The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - Stop Overexplaining

Starting point is 00:00:00 I can't tell you how many times I've seen a confident business professional, an executive, a CEO, a manager, a president of a corporation, and they get on the stand and they look like they are dripped in a million dollars. And as soon as they get into questioning, not question 10, they just unravel. They can't stand being questioned. They can't take the pressure. If you're somebody who's ever been on the stand before has been in a position where you felt like you were even being cross-examine and nothing related to a deposition or anything legal coming up, you need to be pressure-proof. What I'm going to teach you today are some secrets that I use to prepare every single one of my witnesses before they go on the stand. These are things that you have to know whether or not you're in the legal world or just in the everyday world from the boardroom to the living room is what you need to know. How to handle pressure when it matters.

Starting point is 00:00:54 Ready? Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm an admission to make your next conversation, the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tips to improve your communication, I'm going to ask that wherever you are listening, you find the button that says subscribe and click it. And my promise to you in exchange is that if you listen to these episodes, I will make you a better communicator. And when your communication is good, life is much better.

Starting point is 00:01:20 I am also pleased to announce that the next conversation workbook is officially out for pre-sale. You can find a link down in the show notes. There, it's something I'm very excited about. Practical exercises for arguing less and talking more. This podcast is sponsored by, you know it, Cozy Earth. One thing I love about Cozy Earth, especially in this month of love in February, is that it really matters what you go to bed in. There's some people who, like me, you may not wear that.

Starting point is 00:01:50 much. Some people like to wear a pajama set. I gave my mom a set of pajamas from Cozy Earth. They're like made out of this bamboo material and my mom cannot get enough of it. I know she's ordered some and ordered some for her friends. So if you are like me and you like to wear cozy things around the house or even I like hoodies and sweatshirts, Cozy Earth makes some of the best stuff. Premium products, stuff I always stand by and I like to stand by because it feels good. You can go to cozy earth.com slash Jefferson. Use the code Jefferson to get up to 20% off. And now let's keep going. One time I was defending what my client was the president of a corporation.

Starting point is 00:02:27 And they were probably in four different states. And I go up to his office. It's right by the water. He points out to me as soon as I get into his office. Like that's one of his yachts that's there in the marina. Just all the things that he could do to show like, hey, I know what I'm doing. I'm Mr. Big Stuff. Everything he's wearing is like fancy couture, just dribb.

Starting point is 00:02:50 labels. All right? And I was like, okay, I get it. I can see this kind of personality in my, in my mind, and I know what I'm walking into. Sit down with him, and I'll pull out my briefcase, and I'm starting going through files and papers. And he kind of was sitting around like, this is nothing. He's never taken a deposition before, by the way. And so here he is thinking that he's going to just get it, no problem. As I go through the documents, I always do this thing where I put on the personality of the other attorney so that we can kind of role play it. In other words, so give them a taste of what it is. So I'm kind and I'm nice. And then I go into this mode of Mr. Williams, isn't it true that you look at that file that day, yes? And as soon as

Starting point is 00:03:37 he starts a hymn and haw and kind of try and weasel around it, I'll say, Mr. Williams, My question is this, and I get really short and I get, I act like I get bluster and I start to raise my voice and I start to get really down on him. And I mean, it didn't take him any time at all before he was just and he couldn't even get his words out. We weren't even in the deposition. This was day one of prep. Usually I take three days. It doesn't matter how much of an ego you think somebody has. When the pressure is on, if you're not.

Starting point is 00:04:14 you're not ready, everybody will melt. Everybody turns to putty because you're not used to that pressure. When the lights are on and you have the pulse in you and you feel that adrenaline, two things are going to happen. One, you're either going to maintain and soar in it and persevere through it and come out on top or it's just going to crumble you. It's just going to crumble you. We were watching the Olympics last night here and I, and there was a figure skater.

Starting point is 00:04:42 They were doing the couples. where it's a man and woman and they do the routine. And I forget what team it was. It doesn't matter. But they were supposed to do a turn at the same time. And you know that they've done these routines a million times, a million times. And when it was time to come, the guy did the triple axel or wherever and the woman didn't. And it was just because she just, her brain just didn't compute. The pressure, Olympic pressure is a totally different. Now I'm not saying at all. I'm trying to compare what I'm trying to teach the Olympic size pressure of the entire globe watching you. That's not at all what I'm saying. My point is, you don't know what it's like until you know what it's like. And when you're in the hot

Starting point is 00:05:24 seat, no matter what, if it's litigation or you just feel like you're in a workplace where somebody is always pushing on you, you have to be ready for that pressure. And I'm going to teach you these three steps that I go through with every single one of my clients that's going to make sure that you are pressure proof. You ready? Number one, you're you. Number one. Your first word is your breath. You've heard me talk about this many times, and I always talk about it because it is always worth repeating, even for myself. And I talk about it a lot. Before you respond to the question that somebody gives you, take a breath.

Starting point is 00:06:00 All right, not just any kind of breath. I call it a conversational breath. This is based on a physiological sigh. And it is two seconds and through your nose. One more at the top. Then out through your nose, about three to four seconds. All right. Just in that moment, right, you've already re-centered yourself. Probably if you did it with me, you're sensing that your shoulders are starting to drop a little bit and your fingers maybe have

Starting point is 00:06:29 unclinched in your hand or your fist. And you can sense that you're more sharper in your thoughts than you were before you ever started thinking about your breathing. It works for a reason in the physiology of it I'm not going to delve into on this podcast. But But what you need to know is so many times there are people who as soon as they are under pressure, they want to talk fast, fast, fast as fast as they can. When somebody asks them a question, one of the worst things they can do is to try and answer immediately and give all the information at once. That is a recipe for disaster.

Starting point is 00:07:08 Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Notion. I've been using Notion probably for about three to four years. and they have come out with this tool that changes everything, really. It's called the custom agents tool. And what it is is like these AI powered things within notion in this connected workspace that helps your team do things automatically. So rather than having to put in prompts for stuff, it runs already based on schedules and triggers because you know what eats up more time than actual work.

Starting point is 00:07:42 It's all the things around the work. One of the things that I like so much about it is like when I'm done throughout the week, it already takes my key takeaways of things that have done, creates it into a report, and then just delivers it to me without me having to say anything, which is awesome. Notion is an AI-powered connected workspace for teams. Notion brings all your notes, docs, and projects into one space that just works. It's seamless, flexible, powerful, and actually fun to use. And with AI built right in, you spend less time switching between tools and apps

Starting point is 00:08:13 and more time creating great work. And now with Notion's new custom agents, the busy work that used to take hours or never actually happen runs itself. Try custom agents now at notion.com slash Jefferson. That's all lowercase letters, notion.com slash Jefferson. And now let's keep going. If you allow them to ask their question

Starting point is 00:08:35 and then you just pause and you give it five seconds to think, to actually think, about what you're going to say, I promise you it's going to be a million times better. It sounds so simple and you might be thinking Jefferson, I get it. Yeah, I need to breathe. But do you? All right? I talk about it all the time. Originally, when I very first started teaching clients and preparing them, I would tell them, count one Mississippi here in the United States. In other words, if somebody was going to ask you a

Starting point is 00:09:09 question, think in your head, one Mississippi and then answer. It was at least a very early attempt of what I have now come to a first word is your breath, meaning where your first word would be put a breath in its place. Because I have seen countless times these high dollar executives go right into their first immediate answer without even giving it a breath without thinking about it. And then what happens is after they've answered, then it's like they have a moment to think of, okay, what did I, wait, what did I just say? Well, let me answer that differently. Let me and the damage has already been done because they thought that quickness and speed and just bluster was going to carry the day rather than intentionally choosing their words in a calm, confident, controlled

Starting point is 00:09:58 manner. I do not want you to say things that you did not think about, that you didn't think out. And if somebody was to answer you differently because you just calmed the conversation, better things are going to happen. What I tell every one of my clients, probably more than anything, is you control the pace. Nobody can ask you questions faster than you can answer them. Right. You have control over that. So first word is just your breath. You with me? Number two, only answer the question that is asked. Only answer the question that is asked. You might think, yeah, Jefferson, okay, breath, got it, just answer the question. Got it. But do you? I cannot tell,

Starting point is 00:10:44 you how many times I have prepared a witness for three days and it doesn't matter if it is the sweetest grandmother to the highest dollar executive they all suffer from the same thing and that's getting in their head am i not saying enough they think that if i say more i am believed more and that is not the case it's the exact opposite where you say so much that it almost sounds like you don't really know what you're talking about. If you suffer from over-explaining, then you know what I'm talking about. It's where you just have this flood of words that just come right out of you. And then you have this kind of, what's the right word for it?

Starting point is 00:11:39 Like a hangover, like a communication sentence hangover where you go, what did I just say? oh my gosh why did i say that why did i share that much why did i do and you then start beating yourself up all right and then and then you're not focused on the conversation because you were just so focused on giving way more than is needed here's a quick test if i were to ask you right now hey do you know what time it is what's your gut answer let's say i was in a deposition and i need to cross-examine you do you know what time it is if you gave me the time and said oh jefferson it's exactly 1237 people PM, Central Standard Time, I would say that's wrong. I asked, do you know what time it is? Do you know? It's a yes or no question. So you could say, yeah, I know what time it is. See the difference?

Starting point is 00:12:28 Now if I ask you, what time is it? Could you give me the time? Yes. What time is it? That's when you would say, oh, it's 12, 37 or whatever. That's how much you have to be thinking of, am I answering exactly the question that, is asked because if you don't, it's going to go everywhere. Some of my favorite memories when I am defending a witness and especially if it's a sweet woman and they get a question and all of a sudden she may start to go off on a tangent. They say, you know, I don't know, Ms. Washington, did you go to the store that day? And she said, well, you know what? I don't really even know because that day my sister called me and I was even and I'm going, oh boy, here we go. We're going way off on at tangent. Didn't even listen to the question. That happens too with people you think are more

Starting point is 00:13:24 confident. The men and women who think they have it all together. Now this applies equally to both genders, especially in the business setting, they hear questions as statements as insecurity. meaning if I were to ask you, you didn't look at the file that day, did you? They think in their head, I have messed up. I am deficient. I have, it is an attack on my sense of worth in some way. Instead of answering the question, they go, well, I mean, would you be able to do it if you were, and all of a sudden they get really defensive? You might be able to recognize this in every day when you want to say.

Starting point is 00:14:09 snap and go, well, you tell me what it's like, working two jobs, having to do the dishes, having to, and you start kind of, you know what, you should walk in my shoes, that kind of thing. As soon as you get there, that means you've now taken my questions as a sense of a threat to your identity. And right there, you're kind of crumbled under pressure. You're going to forget the whole purpose of being there or why you are even in the hot seat and more, more importantly, how to get out of it. All right. So let's let's talk about how to get. out of it. Number three, the slower you talk, the better things are going to be. Not only am I wanting you to take a breath, not only am I wanting you to only answer the question that is asked.

Starting point is 00:14:53 Number three, short. Short. I just talked about this a minute ago, the problem of over-explaining. If you want to get out of the hot seat, don't give them more to ask. I want to take a quick moment to tell you about butcher box. If you want to feel better, think clear and have more energy. Start with what you're putting in your body. And one thing I have been trying to do what all the research says is that you need to have roughly as much protein intake as you weigh. And that's hard to do, y'all. Hopefully there's some people out there who can certainly relate. Well, one of the things that makes it a lot easier for me is using butcher box because when dinner feels really simple, it makes everything else feel simple too. So butcher box,

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Starting point is 00:16:21 exclusive offer new listeners can get their choice between organic ground beef chicken breast or ground turkey in every box for a year plus $20 off when you go to butcherbox.com slash jefferson That's right, your choice of organic ground beef, chicken breast, or ground turkey in every box for an entire year, plus $20 off your first box and free shipping, as always. That's butcherbox.com slash Jefferson. Don't forget to use our link so that they know that we send you. This is what I typically say. The longer your answer, the more questions you're going to get.

Starting point is 00:16:54 It's like you're giving them a menu of things to pick and choose from. Same thing when you think about that person in your life at work or at home, the longer of an explanation that you give, the more you've just like exposed yourself for them to shoot arrows at it. All right. So only answer the question. Be as short and direct as you can be. Most importantly, think about the end.

Starting point is 00:17:18 If you feel that you're getting caught up in the moment, you need to focus on what's it look like at the end of the conversation. Picture yourself shaking their hand, saying goodbye, or maybe not showing. in their hand and leaving. In other words, you need to remember this is a temporary state. Life is going to continue. There are other things happening. There are people out in the world and you're about to be one of them where they're not on the hot seat. And when you realize that the purpose of where you're at right now has a time and place and is not a constant, the better it is and the easier is for you to get in your head of knowing that you have to be able to stand that

Starting point is 00:17:56 that pressure, that it is temporary. Same thing with any kind of pain, working out exercising. It's same thing of talking under pressure. There are lots of people that you can think of, if you think on a global scale, that deal with a lot of pressure. And it just becomes second nature to them. And it's the same thing for you. When you feel that you are in a tight spot communicating with somebody, keep it short and sweet. That means when you text somebody, keep it to one sentence. That means when you email,

Starting point is 00:18:28 if you can keep it to three sentences. Usually what I say, if you can't explain it in three sentences, you need to rework it. Because if it takes longer, your message is going to simply get lost. A lot of the time, what I will tell clients is

Starting point is 00:18:44 don't do their work for them, meaning don't try and answer the question that you think, they want to ask or you think they're going to ask or where you can kind of see where they're going so you kind of step on their question and start talking no no no that's not what you want all right make them do their work if they have a question they will ask I say this often instead of a waterfall be a well in other words let them draw that information the information that they need don't try and curate say oh this is where you're going well let me give you all the information that I possibly can have

Starting point is 00:19:17 Don't throw the book at somebody. Let them ask specifically where you've had highlighted. That way you can feel yourself way more grounded. Rather than feeling like I have to give you all the information like this is some kind of test or some kind of quiz. It's not that. When times of pressure, it is very surgical of allowing them to ask questions. You're going to be calm and confident using breath, being short, only answering the question that is asked to make sure that at the end of it, you are pressure proof. you are the type of person that they're going to end the conversation going, okay, this is somebody

Starting point is 00:19:53 who knows what they're doing. This is somebody who's in control. This is somebody who's confident. And that's where you want to be. If you've ever had any questions about times that you've been under tension or pressure and you're not sure how to handle it and I haven't covered here, I want you to put it down wherever you're listening and you have a place to leave comments, whether that's my email newsletter, which you can reply to or down on YouTube or wherever you're listening. That way I have a good gauge of saying, okay, I've addressed some of these points. And if this is a big concern, let me address that there because pressure is a topic that surrounds any category, right? And what I'm trying to do here is make sure that when you go into

Starting point is 00:20:31 that high-pressure situation, that high-pressured conversation, that you feel like you have the confidence and the grip on it, that's a good word, the grip on a conversation where you feel like, no, I have a good hold of this. I'm not trying to prove something. I'm not trying to make it sound like I know more than I do. I'm not trying to be somebody. I'm not. I'm not trying to show my insecurity by over-explanning and getting blustered. You are just in the pocket is the best way that I can explain it. You might have heard me use this phrase. I love the idea of just being in the pocket, meaning you're not trying to be too fast and you're not trying to be too slow. You're not rushing, you're not lagging behind. It's like a music metaphor. I drum. Maybe others are listening.

Starting point is 00:21:18 You drum. You're listening to a band. Everybody's just in the in sync in the same groove. Somebody's not rushing or slowing everybody down. You're just exactly right where you need to be. So to sum it up. Number one, your first word is your breath. I want you to slow things down. Two, only answer the question that is asked. Don't try and invent different things. Don't try and assume to know where they're going, only answer the question that is asked. And three, think of the end. Short sentences to the point, direct, think of the end. Meaning if you want to end the conversation with a smile on your face, think about that

Starting point is 00:21:57 smile. If you want to end the conversation, feeling how confident I am, then you need to think of that confidence. Wherever you are, let the end of it be your beginning. And that's how to be pressure proof. As always, you can try that. follow me.

The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - Stop Overexplaining

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