The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - The Fastest Way To Lose An Argument

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

In this episode, I talk about why most arguments don’t actually start with conflict—they start with defensiveness. I share the mindset and communication shifts that have helped me reduce tension in my relationships, stop escalating disagreements, and make people feel heard instead of attacked. If you want fewer fights and better conversations, this episode is for you. Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson  Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 20% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Monarch Money. 50% off your first year at https://monarchmoney.com/jefferson Timeline. Their clinically proven formula is now available at a new, lower price. Mitopure now starts at $79, when you go to https://timeline.com/jefferson  BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The fastest way to lose an argument is to start one. Oh, can I get a witness? Man, I tell you, there's been so many times I have gotten into an argument and realize I did this all to myself. Anybody relate to that? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. I'm throwing it back in the truck where it all began. Here we go. So what I want to share with you today is something that's been on my heart, and that is how to reduce the relational argument.

in your life. Now, hear me. I need you to hear me. This is a disclaimer. In bright letters, all caps, I am no marriage guru, all right? I am married. When I'm about to share with you has come at a great cost because I have done things that have been terrible, all right? I have gotten us into bad positions, bad arguments, bad conflicts, and a lot of the things I'm going to teach you are the ways that I have gotten through it and the way that we, Sierra and I work through things. This is a process. This is growth. So how can I give you some insight here? Number one, when you start a conflict, anytime with a spouse, a friend, a coworker, I want you to question for a second, how does the argument start? When somebody is complaining to you, when they are saying the

thing they don't like, I don't like it when you leave this out or put this here, or the way you wrote that document, or sent that email, or worded this, or did this, okay, whenever they send you something, that's not the argument. That's not somebody starting an argument. The argument starts when you say that's not true that's not what I said but yeah but what about but what about but yeah but like all of those things that's that's where the argument begins right there not when they first have their sign their signal there they put out that signal of communication it is when you respond and get what defensive with that it is what it is when instead of receiving what is being sent, you immediately put up your spam blocker, right?

It's going, nope, as if you have a red button that you goes, I am not dealing with this. I do not accept what you're putting out. Now, I'm not talking about if somebody's being verbally abusive or gaslighting or anything like that. Put that aside. This is just your everyday conflict most of the time that you deal with and how to get better at it. So I want you to have the mindset of arguments do not start from what the other person has said arguments start when you butt up against it when you get defensive you pick up that shield and you go that's not what i said that's not what i did that's not what yeah but what about as soon as you go into that mode of that's not true you know what i did you you are that's the argument and that's how you lose that's how you lose

I want you to have this mindset, okay, this mindset that when you hear somebody, they are not fighting you. They are fighting to be understood by you. They are fighting to be understood by you. And when you find that you have this knee-jerk reaction, which is going to happen. Like, it's not an if things are going to go south. It's when they're going to go south. It's going to happen. Listen to me.

It's going to happen. Whenever it does, I need you to find a path to reduce the length of that pain. So when I find that I'm getting defensive, because I'm going to sometimes have that knee-jerk reaction and go, that's not true. That's not, that's not accurate. That's not what I said. That is creating more pain in the conversation because I'm skipping over what I'm going to talk to you in Section 2 is I'm skipping over the, is I'm skipping over the need by her or by a friend or by anybody to feel heard and understood in that moment. I'm totally skipping right over it and going to what I'm fighting for.

And the quicker I can get to that mindset of they're not fighting me. They're fighting to be understood by this. The faster I can get there, even when I mess up, the faster I can get there, the better it's going to be. So the mindset of they're not fighting you. They're fighting to be understood. How do we do that? Number two, we affirm. We affirm. Let me tell you what I've learned. There are phrases that I'm going to share with you on how to affirm the moment. How do you make them feel heard and understood

and calm everything down? Because what they're hearing, their whole nervous system is going, hey, you're safe here. You're not threatened. You don't have to continue to give all the evidence, all the reasoning, all the justification, and overtalk, over explain, and they go, oh, my gosh, this person gets it. They get it. They understand. Like, I want you to understand. I want you to under to receive this concept for a second. If somebody says something to you and you go, I get it, I really do, I get it. Does it make you feel like they really get it

or they're just trying to like placate you? They're just trying to push it on. They go, ah, I get it. Verbalizing, I get it doesn't do it. They will feel I get it when you use words that actually affirm what they just said. So often I'll have people who go, Jefferson, You know, my spouse said something to me, and I just, I didn't know what to say.

So I just kind of go quiet. And I go, you know exactly what to say, because they just told you. All you need to do is repeat either back to them or tell them that that's okay to feel. Most of the time in relational arguments, I'm talking people you are married to in a relationship with, and work relationships in any kind, okay, that romantic, non-romantic, that they are in many ways just wanting to feel as though you get it. And how we do that is by telling them it's okay to feel that way. So many arguments in my life have been created because I skipped over that fact.

I chose instead to tell somebody how to feel. They go, what do you mean you're concerned about that? And I start arguing with them about why they shouldn't be concerned about that, why they shouldn't be afraid of that, why I think that's a stupid idea for them to be worried about that. How, you know, I think it's dumb that this is, and listen, this has crushed me, all right, because I'm missing it. I'm missing the plot when that happens.

When I go into telling them how they should feel. that never works. When you tell somebody, you need to calm down. Does that ever work? No. It only confirms with them that what they're feeling isn't okay, isn't safe, and what does that do to their nervous system? It just erupts it. Erupts it.

You'll just have a volcano of emotion because you had the chance to put out that fire, and instead you poured gasoline on it. and in the process, you created more of a rupture. You created more distrust. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about timeline. Now, when we talk about aging well, we usually think of things like diet, exercise, sleep. Well, those are all well and good, but what I want us to do is also have to keep looking down at the cellular level. That's right, you know it, the mitochondria. If you remember from school, mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell, well, it's actually a real thing.

And in fact, if you might be aging, I feel like I don't have as much energy. Yeah, that's because mitochondria can actually get old and damaged. And that's why I've been taking modipure from Timeline. It's a small little like tapioca gummy that tastes excellent, actually. You can say you can take up to four. I always take four. That's how good they taste. And what they do, it's one of this clinically proven research that they've been putting into

to help clean out old mitochondria to renew the end. energy that you have. So, Timeline has spent over 15 years researching mitochondrial health, and in human clinical studies, people saw improvements in muscle strength and energy without changing their routine, which is awesome. For me, this is about sting strong, staying sharp, and feeling like myself as I continue to get older. Timeline's clinically proven formula is now available at a new lower price. Mytipure now starts at $79 when you go to timeline.com slash Jefferson. Go to timeline.com slash Jefferson to learn more. Now, let's keep going. So when I say, they've already told you what to say. Here's what I mean by that.

If somebody in your life is making a statement about, hey, you know, I really feel frustrated when you do X, Y, and Z, or maybe they don't even give it a name, they don't even say frustration. They say, I really don't like that you come home. late. You're always home late and you never seem to be on time. Rather than you fighting these, go into the accuracy of the statement, right? That's what we want to do first. We want to go, hold up. Then what's the last time that I've done that? And they go, I wasn't late last night. And they go, yeah, but you were late the night before. And they go, well, that's, okay, well, the week before. And it becomes, what, an accuracy contest. Who has the better memory? Why, Why are you doing that?

Because you're wanting to discount what they're saying. You're going to the facts and the accuracy of what's there. You're missing it. That's not the issue. It's not about the milk. Okay? It is about the feeling underneath. And instead of trying to go, that's not true.

No, I'm not that late. What are you talking about? I'm here all the time. Rather than that, it is pausing and go, I can see how that would be really frustrating. I can see how that would make you feel like I don't want to be here. Yeah, that makes total sense to me. Or I hear that.

That makes sense. Of course you feel that way. I can hear all of that. You see how when I say those statements, the other person is going to drop your shoulders and get it. Because the issue is not that you relate. The issue is it makes them feel something. What is that feeling as though you're not with them? You don't want to be around them.

You're avoiding them. And it's going to feed into this all the fear and insecurity of everything else. Now, my issue is not that I'm late. I've done tons of other things. Believe me, that I've had to start scratching the surface. And I realize, man, I'm just fighting about the milk. I'm just fighting up here. And I'm missing it.

Jefferson, you're missing it. And what is the key to doing that is to simply affirm. So three, I want to give you some. affirmation statements, some affirming phrases that are going to help you like they've helped me. I've already mentioned a few. And these are ones that I want you to imagine and you can come up with any of your own. But what you're doing is the goal is to tell the other person that what they are feeling is okay. What they're thinking is okay.

That it's all right for them, that their emotions are not too much. and you can handle it and you're a safe place. You're a person who can absorb and take and sit with these emotions rather than discounting them and telling them how stupid they are and how they should feel something else that makes you more comfortable with it. Hey, I'm preaching to the choir here too. All right. So what are some affirming phrases?

These are phrases that typically begin with what you hear, right? Or I see. Same with the senses. we talk about in disagreement instead of I disagree I see things differently so it could be as simple as I hear that I hear you easy as that it's not I understand is hear me out distinction not I understand because when you say that you're going everything you feel is everything I feel I get it and they go no you don't you don't understand right that that's it's it's don't ever try to equate what you have felt in your life with somebody is feeling right now I know

know it might be extremely well-intentioned, but it's not going to land nearly as well. Okay, it is best not to say, I understand, unless it is some type of directive or some type of plan that you're putting in place and going, are we all on the same page here? Right now, we're affirming, and that means I hear you, I hear that, that makes sense. I can see why you feel that way. I can see how you feel that way. you hear how I am it's like I'm checkmarking their state of mind

I'm checkmarking their feeling in that moment here's the and there's lots of phrases and I've I feel like I've given you enough to understand here here's what I need you to cue in on so just focus in with me for a second

you're going to get it wrong that's going to happen go back to that phrase whatever affirming phrase makes sense to you. Here's what I'm going to double down on. There's going to be times you don't feel like it. Ooh, there's going to be some times, y'all, you don't feel like it. You just, you're angry, you're frustrated, you're mad about what they did and how dare they mess up my day.

And, you know, it's just like them to bring this up. They're always bringing this up. That's going to happen. You're going to get into these mindset. these modes that are going to, you know, can be destructive when that happens and it will. Because what it's saying is now you're getting flooded, right? You're now you're getting in a bad place and it's going to erupt on your side. When that happens, I need you to go to what I call the minimal viable response, right?

That's a play on words from in tech. They say minimum viable product. Like just get the prototype out. Just you can't be perfect. Don't try to be fancy. We're not looking for the best, the perfect. We're just looking for something. Something.

Because something is better than nothing, right? So I, when I feel like I'm getting flooded in the argument, my go-to phrases, I hear you. That's it. That's just my go-to phrase. You need to have a go-to phrase that you affirm in the argument. In fact, if you use that phrase, most likely, you will not have an argument because you're affirming what they're saying. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Monarch.

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Now, let's keep going. Right now, I know that you're going, well, Jefferson, but they're wrong. You mean, I just have to agree with them? You mean, I have to just go with it and lay down and let them walk over me? No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is there is a time to raise your point. And it's not as soon as they have raised their flag and their complaint. It's not when you get to shut it right down and tell them how wrong they are.

That's not what I said. That's not right. Yeah, but that's not at all. Yeah, but what about, no, we're not going to point the finger right at them again. Instead, we're going to affirm and we're going to say, you know what, if that's how it came across to you, that makes sense why you'd feel that way. Ooh, awesome affirming statement. And they're going to go, thank you, right? Maybe they're going to keep talking.

You affirm again. They might talk a little bit more. You affirm again. you are telling their system, we're good here. This is a safe place. And then you're going to know when it's time, but you're going to ask something. We're going to connect the bridge.

This is a bridge now to what you want to share. And we're going to ask, we're going to say, can I share where I was coming from? Can I share my intention when I did that? Are you open to me telling you how I experienced that? can you hear the difference of me going what are you talking about that's that's not at all what happened versus affirming and saying whenever you're ready i'd like to share my thinking of what's happening my perspective can i share with you my perspective of what i see or what i did or what my

intention was or the thought bounding that and they're going to go yes and then you get to share your perspective and hopefully the other person's going to affirm you if they don't understand it has been argument avoided mischief managed right when you're able to share your perspective in a way that talks from i see you where you're coming from got that instead of telling you your point is wrong i'm going to ask if i can share my perspective rather than just flopping it on to you and saying eat this, I'm going to tell you or ask, I'd like to share where I was coming from when I said that. I'd like to share my perspective or give my perspective or give you another take. Can I give you another way of thinking about that? That is such a better way. I have, in my own life,

diffused many would be arguments by affirming, bridging, and sharing my perspective. But I have to affirm first. And if I mess up, and I will mess up, I find that the quicker I can get to affirming and stopping myself from just put my flag in the ground, drawing the line in the sand, and I can get faster at putting down my sword and my shield, the shorter, those little blips and those arguments that really the big moments just become speed bumps right where you're able to feel it understand it get it and then resolve it and that's that's what we're going for so let me give you some different perspectives we talk about marriage from my own life my own world so that's every

day anything especially if you have kids don't have kids or your boyfriend girlfriend whatever it is and you are dealing with difference of opinion, a firm, bridge to your perspective. If you're at work, okay, and somebody has a different idea about something, rather than telling them their idea is dumb and how you think that it's, you know, they shouldn't all be worried

about that looming whatever coming up, a firm that, you know what, I can see why that, would concern you. I can see, I can hear that that's a really frustrating moment. It sounds like something that's really been bothering you for a while. Affirm that statement. Then bridge, can I give you a different way of looking about that? Can I share with you how I see that? It just is going to pull everything down. Everybody's shoulders start to drop, voices start to lower, and you know what? What could have been an argument just turns it to a conversation. And that's

what we're looking for. a nice, wonderful conversation. I hope you don't mind if I shared that with you today. This was something that was on my heart. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to just say what's up to y'all in the truck. Wherever you're watching, wherever you're listening, if you would, if you find that this content is valuable to you,

I'm going to ask it. Wherever you're listening, please subscribe, press the button that's up, subscribe, it doesn't cost anything. Or like or heart or comment. Any of that stuff helps. It's all good. You see the car seats in the back? No?

I can't, my son has another one. But they're getting big, y'all. People, there's some who are watching this podcast who know that I started with them in car seats. And now we're in booster seats. It's Circle of Life, y'all. We're getting older. This is a podcast that's going to be sponsored by Cozy Earth. I have to tell you, y'all, there is a product that we got from Cozy Earth.

Just hear me out. It's a blanket. And it's called the cuddle blanket. And I was very skeptical about this name. And I was like, who wants to cuddle, you know, under a cuddle blanket? It's not about cuddling with somebody else. It's about cuddling with the blanket itself. It is the softest as, like, weight to it.

We fight over it in our house. And it's huge. But we still, right now it's the talk of our evenings of who gets to use the blanket. So that's for you. I promise. It's worth trying. Don't hate on a blanket. Don't knock it to you try it.

Believe me. Didn't think I'd ever be talking about a blanket on here, but here it is. All right. Gozioreth.com slash Jefferson used to go Jefferson for up to 20% off. Cozyerth.com slash Jefferson used to go Jefferson for up to 20% off. Affirm. Have a mindset. Have a mindset.

They are not fighting you. They're fighting to be heard by you. We're going to use affirming phrases. We're going to have our go-to phrases. And we're going to bridge to our own perspective. And that is going to reduce the relational arguments in your life. If you want to lose an argument, the fastest way to do it is the start one. Be good.