The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - What to Say to a One-Upper

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

You’re excited to share something you’re proud of, and then someone jumps in with, “Oh, that’s nothing—I’ve done [insert bigger, better thing here].” It’s like they can’t help but make it a competition. Every win you share becomes their chance to one-up you. At first, it’s just annoying. But over time, it starts to wear on you. In this episode, I’m sharing 3 simple strategies to deal with one-uppers. You’ll learn how to protect your peace, set boundaries, and stop letting these moments steal your joy. If you found this helpful, be sure to subscribe and leave a 5-star review :) This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. Visit cozyearth.com/jefferson and use my exclusive 40% off code JEFFERSON to give the gift of luxury this holiday season. If you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth from The Jefferson Fisher Podcast! Pre-order my new book, The Next Conversation, today!  Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you decide to share a story and after it's over, your friend turns to you and says, Oh, that's nothing. I got one even better. There's one time and there they go. You've just been one upped. What do you do in that situation and how should you handle it? That's what we're going to be talking about on today's episode. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to please follow this podcast and

if you would leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. I also want to let you know that my new book, The Next Conversation is officially out for pre-order and there in the show notes you will find the links. Now in case you aren't familiar with the term, you're certainly familiar with what it feels like one upping is where you say something and somebody else has to make what they say sound bigger better and more impressive to where if you were to tell me hey, I just ran a 5k I go oh, that's awesome. You know last year when I was running this marathon You know I had or if you say hey I just got a promotion I go oh that's that's wonderful I remember when I got my promotion they gave me this really

great corner suite it's always having to make yourself feel like you are the more the superior person the bigger the better everything to where it shifts focus away from the original speaker to funnel it back towards ourselves and that and that's what happens. It happens to us. It happens to other people. It's a very natural thing to do. So I don't want you to feel like it's only one person does this.

We all do it without thinking of it. It can be little. It can be big. But one upping eventually is just corrosive to relationships because it doesn't open a dialogue for us to be proud of one another. What it does is it dismisses other people. It puts them on an overcast, always overshadow what they're doing. So we're really gonna be careful about it, talk about how to stop it when it's happening to you, what to do, and more importantly to make sure we

don't do it ourselves. Number one, the first time that somebody one-ups you you're going to let them. Let them one-up you. Because the truth is, they weren't really listening to your story to begin with. They were only thinking of what they wanted to share to one-up you while you were talking. You're going to just let them do it because it's also informing you some really important information and it's this this person who's one upping you may not be someone who you need to continue to share things with somebody

who's not gonna really be all that happy for you so you're going to just let them do it because you're going to hear in your mind insecurity that's what it is most of the time when we want up it's because there is a insecurity that says I don't feel like now I'm good enough and now I need to share something to make me sound better and that they feel that I'm also important that I also have value. It's this kind of competition like two kids trying to say who's who has the better art project between them like with my two kids my son and my daughter My son's a little bit older, you know

I my daughter is always trying to compete and so is my son and so we really work to discourage that but it's kind of that same concept of You also want to feel like you're adding value and that you're also important So when somebody's one upping you when you see it as insecurity it takes away Keeps you from getting defensive and takes away that Feeling of taking it personally That I mean this is how could they do that to me? Can't they see that? I'm sharing the story. Oh, they just wanted to Show how good they are always putting me me down. Instead, you flip that mentality

and go, what am I missing here? Ask the question, where is the insecurity? Where's the insecurity? What need are they not getting? Yes, it doesn't matter what they look like. It doesn't matter how much money they have. You and I both know people that have a lot of wealth in life in terms of money and success, but they have little wealth when it comes to intrinsic value within themselves.

They're still unhappy, they're not happy with their home, their friends, their family. Wealth comes and success comes in many different ways. Y'all know this. But when you hear that insecurity and you hear that one upping, that's what I want you to think of. Where is this coming from? And you just respond, well, that's great. That's that's good for you. I'm I'm happy for you and just let it go and know that this is not somebody that you're gonna continue to share things with. That's why number two, I want you to just put your settings to private. When somebody one ups me, I don't try to say another story. So if I say something that's a two and they try

giving a story that's a six, I'm not going to go, oh yeah, well I got one even better than that and go for a nine because now I'm just doing it to them. Now it really is a competition. Instead, just understand I'm not going to share stuff with this person anymore. I'm going to make sure that I'm not going to overshare. I'm not going to share this with this stranger or this worker that I know or even people that are within your own family. Like I have members of my own family that if I share something, doesn't matter what kind of success it is, they will bring up a success of their own that should have been better in some way if life had just been differently and just

have a have a hard time being happy for somebody and you really can't control that that's there's no phrase I can give you that's gonna make somebody else more happier with their life that they can be giving in their praise and giving and and thankfulness of hearing your story and number three if you if you're one up, if you get one up and you're sharing something with someone, it's okay to just let hardly go, let's, that's great. You know, I wasn't trying to compare, I was just wanting to share. It's an easy little phrase. I wasn't trying to compare, I was just trying to share. What it's doing is saying, hey, look, I'll put it on me here. I'll put it on me. I wasn't trying to create a competition. I was just trying to share what it's doing is saying hey look I'm I'll put it on me here

I'll put it on me. I wasn't trying to create a competition. I was just sharing this this little story I'll also be kind of light-hearted sometime ago. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, not all of us can be you I'm just trying to share my little story over here and I let them be the bigger person I let them be the star of the show because I know really that's what they're needing. And if it is something that I need, then it's me who's the one I have to have the accolade. I have to have this feeling that it's really a great way to turn inside and reflective of saying, what am I needing? Why am I sharing this?

Am I sharing this so that they will give me praise? Am I sharing this because I have the insecurity right now? So it's a great way of just taking yourself out of it, detaching in the moment and saying, what am I truly needing and being very selective with who you share good news with. All right, now we're at my favorite part of the podcast and that's where I get to read a question from a follower.

Those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer them and it's a whole lot of fun and meaningful to me. So if you're not part of that newsletter, you can sign up there in the show notes. You'll see the link to sign up for the newsletter. This segment of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth. And it's good name because their stuff really is cozy. I wore it all weekend long.

I like Cozy Earth as a sponsor of this podcast because I use their stuff. Their sheets are on my bed. My wife wears their pajamas, their pajama sets, and I wear most, I usually wear sweat shirts and sweatpants when it's cold on the weekends. It's just, you want to be comfortable, right, when you're when you're home and chilling. So if you're looking for something this holiday season, I would definitely check out Cozy Earth. They're awesome. You can go to Cozy Earth dot com slash Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40 percent off.

All right. This is I'm a pull up my newsletter. This one I already have ready. This is Renee from Maine. I thought that rhyme for a second. It does not. Renee goes, Jefferson, I love your stuff. Thank you so much.

That's very sweet, Renee, thank you. I have a question. I work here in a cubicle setting and we're very close together. I am somebody who I've, let me rephrase that, my friend who I work with has said I am a one-upper. I really try not to be, but do you have any recommendations or tips for making sure that

I am not the one one-upping my friend? I'm really trying not to do that. I also think it's kind of oversharing, but I have a problem with that. Any suggestions would help. Renee, I got you. You're not the only one who does that because it's very natural. It's very, very natural to want to share

and explain things with. You have to remember, all of these tips are contextual. Meaning, if I'm with one of my best friends, we don't care about one-upping because he knows that I love him and he loves me. We're proud for each other and it's never a competition. If it's a co-worker who I vaguely know and we're just co-worker friends kind of thing or somebody who's a colleague, it's a different feeling. I gotta be careful who I share things with because they might

take it competitively. And also sometimes it's just cultural. Like I'll admit, in the legal world, it's very, very common for, let's say, I gave a trial story. I told a story about a trial that I had, and then as a turn you go, oh yeah, well, I got this one time, and then they tell their trial story. And somebody goes, well, the one time I had this client, and they tell something about a deposition. It's very common to one-up and away,

but it's just really who can say the funniest thing or what's a funny unique story that you can share and it's not meant as a Dismissing wanted to overshadow somebody kind of way. So I'm gonna say any of this advice I'm giving you Renee needs to be confined to the context that you're living in. So let's let's assume The best let's assume that everybody's friends and it's a good work environment. If you find that you are one upping people by accident, don't get hard on yourself.

This is what I want you to do. And it's easy, Renee, it's easy. When somebody's sharing a story with you, rather than immediately thinking, oh, I need to relate to them, I need to tell a story. Instead of immediately going, okay, as soon as they finish, I need to give mine so they feel like I'm relating with them

in a way and connecting with them. That's not the way it sounds. It sounds like you're one-upping them. That's where the pain point is. Instead, Renee, this is so easy. All you need to do is ask one question. Just one question. As soon as they finish

their story, ask an easy layup question such as, what was your favorite part? Simple as that. What was your favorite part? Or can you tell me tell me more? Or what else happened? Something to where you just sound like you are engaged just a little bit. If you just add on a little bit, Renee, the other person is going to immediately brighten up, like, oh, you listened, oh, you hear me, oh, you're interested, okay, I'm giving something of value. You do find it funny, you do find it worthwhile

for them to just give a little bit more. My favorite is, what was your favorite part? Because when you do that that it gets them to replay back in their mind and share something maybe an insight that they didn't think of and they're going to go oh I really appreciate that question. I mean if you've seen when celebrities get interviewed right when they when they get that interview question from someone that they weren't expecting what do they go oh that's such a great question. Oh wonderful I really appreciate that. Nobody ever asked me that. It's because I'm they're really taking an interest in them. So it's as

easy as that Renee. When somebody's giving a story instead of immediately sharing your own, just give one little question like what was your favorite part and watch them just light up. And then then they're gonna be much more receptive to you sharing yours or you can even ask do you mind if I share one do you mind if I share something I had a similar story and they're gonna yeah and then once you get their buy-in and they've given you the green flag to start I hope it's a green flag I don't know what they start in races once they say three two one go

then then you'll be able to share your story and then they'll be interested in it doesn't feel like a clash. So you're not doing anything wrong, Renee. It's very common. It happens all the time. It just depends who you're talking to, what the situation is, what the environment's like, but it's gonna, you'll make it all go away, is all you have to do is just ask one little question after it. And that's gonna make you connect with them on a level that feels much more comfortable for them to listen to your side of the fence and hear your story. And I think it's gonna be much better for you. And that way you don't feel like you're trying to compete and over explain or over share.

It's gonna be something that that'll work out much better for you. Okay, thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast. And if you would please leave a review or give a star or a thumbs up or a like, or whatever it is on the platform you're listening to, because it really, really makes a difference for me. Um, if you have any topic suggestions that you have, don't ever hesitate to just put them in the comments.

And I'm the one that looks at them and I always go, oh, that's a great topic or that's a good one. And I keep those. So if you have something, don't be afraid to put it in there. Today we learned all about what do you do when somebody is trying to one up you. Biggest takeaway is that we're not going to take it personally. We're going to see the insecurity in the other person. We might say something like, hey I wasn't trying to compare. I just wanted to share what we had. You're going to find that's going to smooth most things. And to keep yourself from one upping somebody even unintentionally, all you need to do is ask one little question at

the end and they're going to feel like you're engaging and it's going to break away for a much better conversation between the two of you. As always you can try that and follow me.