The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

When tragedy strikes, most of us go silent—not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know what to say. In this episode, I walk you through exactly what to do (and what not to do) when someone you care about is going through grief. From the well-meaning phrases that actually cause harm to the simple actions that show real support, this is a practical, heartfelt guide for one of the hardest moments in life. Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. LMNT. Head to drinkLMNT.com/jefferson to try risk free. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do you say to someone who's grieving? There's been things in my life, and I know things that have happened in your life that when it happens, you don't know how to handle it. You don't know what to say. Something's so sad. There's been a death. There's something happening that's tragic. It's devastating.

And you want to be there with them, but you just don't have the words. You don't know if what you're going to say is going to make it bitter. or is it going to make it worse? That's this episode. This is the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you're listening, I'm going to ask that wherever you're listening, find where it says subscribe, a heart, a like, and it's not a forever thing.

It's telling the platform that you're listening to that this is good content. And my promise to you is to do that, to make you a better communicator. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. If you're like me and you enjoy a good night's rest, I'm going to ask you to consider Cozy Earth. Their sheets are on my bed right now.

They are probably the coolest thing I've ever slept on, and I really have trouble sleeping on anything else. If you're like me and you like comfortable cozy beds and towels and sheets, which I never thought I'd be at that age to do that, but I certainly am now that I really care about it. You need to go to CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off as CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson. used to go Jefferson for 40% off, they offer a 100-night trial period, which you can't really get

any better than that. If you like comfortable sleeps, you need to go check them out.cozyearth.com. This episode's going to be a little bit different because I want to get right to the point. Here in my personal life, there's been a family who has recently lost their daughter and her daughter was eight. I can't imagine what that's like. I've had loss in my life. Loss of a child is very different to me. I can't even, I have a hard time grasping that thought. And maybe listening right now, you can either relate to loss in your own life or you know people close to you that they've recently had loss. And you're at a point where you go, I don't know what to say. How do I, should I text them? Should I call them? I want them to know that I'm thinking about them, but I don't want it

to be surface level. I don't want it to be empty. I don't want to just be like everybody else. And what happens, and it's natural, it's normal, that even people closest to you, when they're going through loss and grief, you just say nothing because you're afraid to say anything at all. Is it going to hurt? Is it going to help? Here's some things that I'm going to teach you about when you're communicating with people during periods of grief and they're going through loss and grief, this is what I want you to do. Number one, I want you to remove the phrase, let me know if. If what you're going to say to them begins with let me know if, stop, erase it. I cannot be any more serious. Do not send it. If I'm going to send you a text, I says, hey, let me know

if I can help. Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if there's anything I can. can do. You know what I've done? I've just relinquished all accountability, responsibility on myself. I've now put it all on you. Hey, let me know if you need any help. I've now given you a chore. That is, hey, on top of all the other things you have going on and the emotional turmoil that you're experiencing, now it's your responsibility to reach out to me should you need anything. So first, you have to now decide when you're going to reach out to me. You now have to decide what kind of help that you need, and you have to decide if it's going to be helpful or not. It's giving you a chore, something else to do.

Hey, if you need something, you call me. And here, my work here is done. I've now communicated with you. If you need anything, let me know. If there's anything that we can do, please tell me. Nobody's going to take you up on that. It's a cop out. That's what it is.

I know it's from a good place. Here's my disclaimer with that. I know it's from a good place. I know that you mean what. I know you're saying this to them because you don't know what else to say. I'm telling you, it's not kind. Scrap it.

If it begins with, let me know if, delete it. Instead, just do the thing you are thinking of doing. Send the help. Be the help. Show up. Mow the yard. Deliver the food.

Run the errand. Whatever it is, just do it. without even asking, I promise you, that is much better, a much better sign of you being in it with them than just saying, let me know if I can help you at all. Let me know if you need anything. Go mow their yard. Go deliver food. Even if they don't eat it, it doesn't matter. It's the symbol of it. Even if that errand, you know what, that's one less thing you can take off their plate, the better. Rather than you say, hey, let me know if you need any help. adds to their plate. Can you see the difference? I know that it comes from a good place.

I want you to get in the habit of removing the let me know if. Let me know if you need anything. Scrap it. I cannot be any more serious. There's nothing worse that when you're in a time of grief and despair and loss and suffering, when it's now your responsibility to reach out because they won't do it. They won't. How can they possibly do it? They don't know which way is up. I can tell you if right now I'm in the same position of some of our friends who just lost their daughter, I would be an absolute nut case. And if I think about it, I'm going to get really upset and I'm going to be in a hard spot because you'd have to lock me up. I can't even imagine it. So scrap the let me know if from the question. Cool. Good. Number two, do not

ask for details, especially when it's fresh. I know that you mean it from a good place. You want to know all the details when you say, oh my gosh, what happened? Oh my goodness. What, what this? What happened? How did they pass away? What did they do this? Did they not know about this? And you're just peppering them with questions. Oh, did they not know this was coming? Did they know this was a pair? When you were just giving them a litany of a quiz, of a questionnaire, you see that in posts on Facebook or Instagram, something happened, and they all want to know what happened, what just, just stop it. Stop it. If it's not, if you're not in the no, then there is a reason. And it's because it's too soon and you're not close enough to it. You will find out when

you're supposed to find out. It is far kinder for you to say, detects them and say, no need to respond, period, thinking about you, period, or praying for you. or sending you my love, or sending a big hug. You hear that that's just, I'm not asking anything from you. To be able to, somebody tell me, hey, no need to respond. I'm letting you know, I'm sending you all the love that I can. You see how you're not adding to their plate? When you're peppering them with questions, you're adding to their plate.

That's the worst thing you can do. Remove that from their plate. No need to respond. No need to text me back. And you know what? They're going to appreciate that because then they'll text you or call you whatever it is, when you are supposed to know, when they're at a place mentally, that they can let you know. So don't be nosy. Don't be trying to get all the facts. Definitely don't try to be

playing the person of, well, didn't they know, or were they prepared, or did somebody not tell them, or any of that stuff that's questioning as if your question could have changed the outcome, right? That only makes it worse. I know it comes from a good place. Don't do it. Before we keep going, a second to tell you about element. Now, one of the first things that I do in the morning before I go for my coffee is I drink a glass of water. Everybody knows you need to be hydrated. But what I put in that water is even more important. Element is nothing more than some sodium, potassium, magnesium, all in the right balance. And it gives me a lot of electrolytes that I put in my water. And it makes me feel great. It helps me feel ready for my day. They have tons of flavors.

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If you don't like it, they'll refund you. No questions asked. Go to drinklmnc.com slash jefferson. Jefferson. Number three, one of the biggest parts of this, and I know it's not going to feel normal, is you cannot turn to positivity, not out of the gate. I'm not going to say it's toxic positivity. I'm just saying any positivity when it sounds like, well, at least they're in a better place. Or, well, all things, you know, just things happen for a reason. Or, you know, I know, I know that they're at least they're not hurting anymore. Things that you mean it well, but to the other

person, it is nails on a chalkboard when you say, well, at least they're in a better place. No, they're not. I want the better places with me right here. Don't say that they need to be somewhere else. That's not something for you to say. That's not something for you to say. sometimes when you mean it so well because you want to be uplifting you want to be positive that's not the time there's a time to be positive and a time not to be and when people are experiencing severe grief and depression and they don't know what to do and they don't want to live and they just want to go crawl in a dark hole that is not the time for you to start spraying sunshine i'm not saying there's never a place for it now's not the time timing is a big

component of this. Cool. Positivity is something that we always have to have it. You know this. If you're listening still right now, you listen to my podcast and you know positivity is something that we always are about. The timing is a big component of that. Instead of spitting positivity, I want you to agree with their pain. When somebody's going through grief rather than spinning positive statements like well at least at least they're in a better place scrap that and agree with their pain that sounds like this is terrible i agree this isn't right nobody should have to go through this agree with their pain that is that again is much kinder because before when you're giving positive statements you're almost forcing them to try and have a positive outlook that's not going to

happen, especially not then. You're only going to get anger from them. Anger is very much tied to grief. And that's a process. That takes a very long time, that any statements of positivity are not going to force. That's not going to do it for them. It's only going to make it worse. But when you agree with their pain, absolutely you can apologize for it. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Apologizing, nothing wrong with that. That's, you're sympathizing with them. You're sympathizing. You're empathizing. That's fine.

Nobody should have to go through this. It's not fair. This is devastating. This is horrible. I hate it. Things that you just, when I say agree with their pain, think in your mind how it must feel, and that's very hard.

What they're going to be thinking, nobody should have to go through this. This is more than I can bear. This is unbearable. That's the kind of stuff that you need to say. agree with their pain do not fight it do not try to get them into a happy mindset it is not the time it's not the time so when somebody's going through grief here's what i want you to do one get rid of let me know if instead just do it do the thing and here's here's a big part of this if you're not

in a position to do it don't pretend that you are i'd say that very kindly, and I say that very earnestly. If you're not in a position to do the thing, don't pretend that you are. They don't send the text. Let me know if I can help when you're really not in a position to help. You live states away. You're not in a position to help. If you were, you'd already be there. So continue to be genuine with what you say. I know it comes from a good place, but you can come across disingenuous to scrap that. Two, don't ask for all the details. Not then. You'll find them out when you're supposed to find them out. Just give that time process. I know it's the unknown, it's anxiety of you want to get that information. Now it's not

the time. Be there with that other person. No need to respond. It's letting you know I'm thinking about you. And three, go back to this part of the inside of realizing there's time for positivity and there's time for not positivity. And when somebody's going through grief, they're grieving because it is a process that is not the time to try to be positive. That's not the time to be positive. Whenever you say, let me know if there's anything I can do. Yeah, you can give my loved one back to me. That's what you can do.

You can't do that. That's what that mind state is. All right? So I want you to go hug somebody. Hug a stranger, I don't care. Go hug your little one. ones, your loved ones, because we're all going through a lot of hurt in a lot of different ways. Cool. All right. As always, you can try that and follow me.