The Jefferson Fisher Podcast - You’ve Been Talking All Wrong in Difficult Conversations

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

In this episode, I’m breaking down the small language habits that secretly make hard conversations harder. Most of us think we’re being clear or kind — but the words we use often fuel defensiveness instead of understanding. I’ll show you how to stop using “you” statements that sound like blame, cut out weak disclaimers that undercut your point, and reframe your message so it lands with strength and respect. Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Pique. Head to https://PiqueLife.com/jefferson for 20% off. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. There are three conversation landmines. I have to make sure you avoid. This episode of the Jefferson Fisher podcast is going to be served to you hot and ready. So we're just going to get

right to it, right to the points. I don't even feel like doing the intro today. That's how I feel about this. Now before I dive into these three tips that you have to have in everyday conversation to avoid conflict, I got to tell you first about cozy earth. Cozy Earth has been a sponsor of this podcast for good reason because I love their stuff. I've used it for months, if not years now, and they're all over my house. So I don't know if you know this, but there is a age in life where all of a sudden you go, man, I really like these towels. Man, I really like these bedsheets. Man, I really like these pants. Like just you go, I didn't even think I'd ever be saying this kind of stuff. Well, that's kind of how it is with my relationship with Cozy Earth. I'm honored

that they're a sponsor of the podcast, but honestly, I just really like their stuff. Cozy Earth is where it's at because everything that they do is top quality. So if you're like me and you like top quality stuff, go to cozyEarth.com slash Jefferson, used to code Jefferson, for 40% off. That's cozyEarth.com slash Jefferson used to go Jefferson for 40% off. And now let's get back to that episode. Three landmines that I want you to avoid in conversations. Why? Because they are adding fuel the conflict. How do we do that? Number one, what I want you to do is to avoid the use statements that we're going to talk about. Two, I want you to not weaken your sentences before they even start, meaning you're going to, we have this tendency to add disclaimers to what we're going to say,

causes conflict. And number three, above all else, using the power of a reframe. And I'm going to show you the secret as how using a reframe leads to better conversations every single time. You ready? Let's go. I'm feeling it. Number one, you know, this, and if you don't know this, it's good that, you know, the power of the first word out of your mouth, we often say the power of, this is one to add, the power of the first word out of your mouth, huge impact, huge. If I were to say you, you need to do this, you need to listen, you know what you should do? You should do, you need to, you always, you never, the you, you, you, you, you, what does it do? It puts you, the other person, in a defensive posture to where

they go, me, me, how about you? And it just sends the missile right back at them. It becomes the ping pong. It becomes the civil war. It becomes this horrible gasoline on a fire that just explodes it out of nowhere. So what's the solution? Rather than beginning with the word you, begin with the word I. I need to feel like I'm being heard. I feel upset when you do this. I feel confused when you do this. I feel hurt, confused, upset, frustrated. Use words that express feeling rather than using that feeling internally to simply say you do X, Y, and Z. So rather than acting on that feeling, you are expressing that feeling. Rather than emoting that feeling within yourself, you are when you claim it you what you control it number two stop using disclaimers before you say anything in your

sentence when you have this way of saying like i don't mean any disrespect but you know i could be wrong about this but by the way nobody who says that thinks that they're ever wrong or you say look i don't mean to be rude i don't mean to be you know impolite here but whenever you say i don't mean to, it doesn't make sense to people. It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't, um, down here in the south, we say g-haw. That doesn't jihad with us. We, we're, uh, we're not going to, that doesn't work. Something's off to the other person when that happens. Why? Because I can tell, that's like me picking up a big club, all right? This is a pin on my hand. It's like me picking up a big club and I'm saying while I'm talking to you saying look I'm not going to

hit you with this club and you're thinking the why are you holding it you see how whenever you use disclaimers and sentences like I don't I don't mean to be rude but I'm already saying it with self-defense I'm saying it in anticipation of self-defense right when somebody goes well listen with all due respect it's the same thing they're not really saying it with respect when they do So what's the cue there? Instead of stepping on that landmine, what I want you to do is say the reverse of it. So instead of, I don't mean to sound disrespectful, what I want you to say is this probably could sound disrespectful or this will probably sound disrespectful. Use probably. Use the probabilities. And what people do is it gives them a chance. And when they hear you, they naturally, oddly enough, think the opposite. So if I were to say, This is probably going to upset you. What do you naturally do? You think of reasons why that's not going to upset you.

Versus me saying, don't be upset about this. And then you start to actually go, oh, no, there should be reasons why I should be upset about this. So instead of, I don't mean to sound rude, this is probably going to sound rude. This is probably going to sound impolite. This is probably going to sound short-sighted. This is probably going to sound insensitive. Whenever you say that the other person then looks for reasons as, to why it is not the thing that you said. So that's the way to handle that. Or, you know, better yet,

you just don't use any of those disclaimers at all. Just use silence, skip it, delete it from your sentences, and say what you want to say. I want to take a second to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast called Peek. That's P-I-Q-U-E. And though that's not the way you might think peak is spelled, nothing about this T is what you might think. And that's for good. This is a packet that tea crystals. So you don't have, there's no steeping, there's no mess. You just rip up the packet, pour it in. I use them all the time when I'm on the go. So maybe I'm not wanting coffee right at that moment, but I also don't want water. So I like tea. And the cool thing about peak is that it's loaded with probiotics and prebiotics to keep your gut healthy. So let's be real.

When your guts off, you're off. So if you feel sluggish, distracted, you're not going to feel sharp. And you're not going to be good in the conversations that you and I both know, we all need to have. now, Peak is giving my listeners 20% off for life, plus a free frother and a little glass speaker that comes with it. It's really cool part of their bundle. It's backed by a 90-day guarantee. So if you don't like it, you got a 90-day guarantee. Go to peaklife.com slash Jefferson. That's P-I-Q-U-E-Life.com slash Jefferson and go check it out. Clear God, clear ahead, clear conversations. Go try out Peak. And now back to the conversation. Number three, the third landmine that I want you to avoid in difficult conflict is the failure to reframe conversation.

Have you ever been in conversation that you feel like it's just in a circle over and over? And you go, God, we just talked about this. We just talked about this. What I like to say about that is if you haven't heard the end of it, then you haven't heard the heart of it. We have this inner fear that I haven't been heard. I'm scratching the surface, but I don't feel like I've hit the root cause. of why I'm feeling this way, and some people are external processors, some people are internal processors. And so a lot of times you see that play out in dynamics and in conversation.

The failure to reframe means that you're going to continue to spin. You're going to continue being the air, you don't know how to lay in the plane. Reframing sounds like this. If we can, I'd rather, rather than saying calm down, I'd rather slow things down. And so, Instead of saying, hey, you need to be quiet, say, can we speak a little bit slower in tone? Can we slow this down a little bit? Or maybe the reframe is, hey, now that I feel like we've talked about how we feel about this,

I'd like for us to talk about what it means to us. What are our next steps? You see how when you kind of package the conversation in the different boxes and letting someone know, all right, I feel like we've emptied this box, the next box is, this, rather than just going about it blindly. It helps to put conversations in different categories. Well, let me rephrase that. It helps to put conversations in topics of themselves. Maybe it's the

problem. Maybe it's the facts. Maybe it's the need for apology and resolution. Maybe it is to understand action steps and where we go from here. Whatever that is, it's like kind of having a meeting in your mind of how you roll it out of. All right, now that we've talked about what happened, I really like to make sure that this doesn't happen again between us. What do you, what are you thinking on how do we avoid this? Help me, help me understand how I can avoid that for you in the future. Use language like we rather than you. That's going to help reframe the conversation. In courtroom, in litigation, what we call that simply just signposting in some sense. and it helps a lot in normal day conversation.

That means when I ask a question of the witness, I'm going to tell them what I just asked them about and then where I'm going. And I'm doing that, not just for the witness, I'm doing it for the jury as well because they're going to also be listening. So I might say, okay, Mr. Williams, now that we've talked about where you are headed that day,

I next slide to discuss what you were doing at that present time. Sound good? You hear how I'm saying, I'm roadmapping in a sense. I'm saying, hey, this is where we've been, this is where we're going. So using that in conversation is a great way of reframing so that you don't feel like you're in that spin cycle because what happens in that spin cycle? Danger. It adds fuel to the fire because you get tired. You feel like you're not being heard and bad things happen. So what did we learn in this little bitty power minute that we had together? Three things to avoid

the landmines. Number one, don't begin with the word you. Number two, get rid of the disclaimers. And three, make sure that you reframe the conversation. If you ever feel like it's starting to drag or if you feel like it's getting to a point that you're going, ah, this is really grinding on me. Whenever you feel that neater in your minds, it goes into the red of going, I can tell I'm getting overwhelmed. That's exactly the time for a reframe. And maybe the reframe is, hey, I can tell that this conversation isn't really going anywhere for us right now. I would love to continue to come to this.

I love to continue this conversation later this afternoon or give us a break in five minutes. Sometimes that's even the reframe, yeah? All right, use your words for good. As always, try that and follow me.