The Joe Rogan Experience - #100 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: April 19, 2011

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

We gots no bells and whistles. We gots no guests. We ain't got shit. This is the 100th episode and it will go to 100 the way it began. With no form, not knowing what the fuck we were doing, sitting in front of a laptop with snow.

The stupid karaoke snow effect. Yeah, I listened to it today actually on the way over here. It's brutal. It's unlistenable. There was times where there was like 15 seconds, 20 seconds of dead air where we're just fucking sitting there like looking at things yeah that wasn't really supposed to be on itunes we should have never let it go on itunes yeah

what it is you know it was just we were just fucking around we just what it would start it was an anthony cumia show well actually i remember a while ago when justin tv came out we used to always be on the road in the green room and And I always tried to set up a video in the green room thing. We did it a few times with Joey Diaz. And then Joey Diaz got pissed and twisted my finger. Remember that? He got mad because he didn't want the camera on anymore. And he grabbed my hand and started twisting my finger.

It was crazy. He got really upset. Well, Joey, I think, Joey has to be funny all the time in his eyes. And when Joey's backstage, if he's just sitting there like, what? What do you want to do? I'm not even hungry. He doesn't want people to see that. He doesn't want people to see the normal, average, everyday Joey.

He just wants Joey when he's on. Right. So yeah, after that incident, I was like, all right, I'm not doing this anymore. And then we tried it again. Joey's a lot more sensitive than you think he is, man. Joey said something to me Remember when I came down When we were headed to the show in Portland

And Joey got mad That was ridiculous That came out of nowhere too It was just me and him sitting there Waiting for you to come down It was really weird The bottom line was I had to take a shit Who's that, me or you?

It's probably me When you have to take a shit Sometimes you don't time it well or you? It's probably you. It's probably me. You know, when you have to take a shit, sometimes you don't time it well. Sometimes, like, you're running out the door, and I'm like, God damn it, I think I've got to go. Let me just see if I can get this out real quick. And it's like, I'm like, God damn it. I do have to take a shit, but I haven't had enough lettuce today.

I hate that, when you have to speed up a shit. That's the worst. That's not cool at all. It's not healthy. The worst is when you you have to speed up a shit. That's the worst. That's not cool at all. It's not healthy. The worst is when you're thinking about not taking a shit and then you do

and you go, God, I can't believe I was just going to walk around for the next couple hours with that inside of me. Yeah.

Or the girlfriend shit where you get a new girlfriend and you can't shit in front of her. I shit in front of everybody. You got to deal with it. You have to? Yeah.

I don't mind if they do it either. It's life. Yeah. But it just kind of sucks. You just meet this girl and you're trying to be all sexy and hot and your bathroom's right next to your bedroom. I'm just going to tell her, listen, It's life. Yeah. But it just kind of sucks. You just meet this girl. You're trying to be all sexy and hot in your bathrooms right next to your bedroom.

I'm just going to tell her, listen, here's the deal. I'm going to go take a stinky shit. I hope you can deal with it. If you're not, you don't get no more of this good dick. Damn. That's what you got to tell her. Let her know. It's a commodity.

You didn't look through my camera, by the way, that I left you. No, I did not. God damn it. That's great. No, I did not. And if I did, I wouldn't. You know me. I did my first, well, not my first well not my first but my

one or first or second uh home movie sex movie oh really and we were just like let's see what it looks like do you like how you look no because it was it was a side profile and i noticed that my gut just kind of sits on her ass when i'm fucking her i've never noticed that before so now i'm like looking at 24-hour fitness and shit like that but i left my rest on her ass like a fanny pack yeah it was crazy and i i left it here though and immediately i saw him like oh my god that video could easily have just gotten out and that could have fucking that's how it happens that is how it happens yeah yeah you fuck around and leave a phone behind exactly yeah yeah jason tebow has this thing with sam tripoli that every time they leave their phone around or somebody gets their phone and it's unlocked it's a pictures of the dicks yeah and or put like black dicks and

stuff like that like i jason likes black dick and last uh last night uh jason's did his mom know and was saying i like black dick and stuff did his mom what do you mean uh she left she was like oh look at these photos i took and so he did his mom's facebook and put like you know wait a minute wait a minute his mom left her phone behind yeah so And so he did his mom's Facebook and put like, you know. Wait a minute, wait a minute. His mom left her phone behind. Yeah. So he took her phone and got on Facebook and put pictures of black dicks? Yeah. Or I don't know if he put black dicks,

but he said something like, I really like black muff or something like that. Whoa, really? Yeah. His mom? Yeah, his mom's pretty sweet, though. She's pretty sweet. She's a lesbian. She just hangs out with the boys type thing.

Yeah, she's pretty cool. His mom's pretty sweet. You sound like Cartman. She's a lesbian. She just hangs out with the boys type thing. His mom's pretty sweet. You sound like Cartman. She's pretty sweet. His mom is pretty sweet. I had one friend that had a mama who was a lesbian growing up, but he never admitted it, man. It took it forever.

It took forever before he came clean. Oh, he knew about it? Everybody knew. His mom was living with this woman with a crew cut with big arms. She would wear Larry the Cable Guy clothes. She would wear sleeveless shirts, sleeveless vests and shit. And she had these big floppy truck driver arms. And she was a dyke.

There was no getting around it. But she was. My friend did not want to come clean, though. Why? Everybody wants to be normal, man. Everybody wants to be normal. You remember Joey Diaz's stories about wanting to be a white kid yeah he's not white that's right well i mean that's kind of ridiculous you hear that bitches that's called a slurp people

go i hate when you make that slurping noise can't you turn your microphone off just fucking deal with it man when i was listening to episode number one in the car that was another thing that the mic sucks so bad there was parts where things were dropping and just blew your speakers out. Like that's pretty annoying. You know, one thing I didn't know is a lot of people, you know, say, why do you use Stitcher? I had no idea. I talked to the president recently and we were talking about the whole incident and stuff like that. The incident.

The RSS incident. We had a beer and, you know, he said a lot of things that I had no idea that Stitcher did. And one thing was that Stitcher normalizes the whole audio. So when there's big loud bursts and stuff like that. Which is what we should be doing. We should be doing. We actually used to do that, but it made the audio too quiet. I don't know.

I'm not an audio engineer, but it didn't work right. Yeah, we need compression. I heard that compression was actually not the way to go, though. A lot of audio engineers that work at radio stations here in L.A. actually told me that that's not the way to go, though. A lot of audio engineers that work at radio stations here in L.A. actually told me that that's not the way to go, is to use software post. But who knows? Post? Yeah, but then you have to edit it.

You have to put it through post before you – Well, I think it's just a plug-in in the program I use, which is Logic, and it automatically just does that. Right, but you have to run it through the program, meaning you can't do it live. Right, right. They're doing it live. Yeah, they're doing it live. By saying there, I'm talking about the Adam Carolla show. I have podcast envy.

I went to his setup. It's so dope. I mean, there's something cool about that you and I are just chilling in my office. We always do it this way. It's either in your office or in my office. That's what we're doing. There's something cool about that, but his setup is pretty fucking sweet. He's doing a radio show.

You actually got one of the same mics that he uses. I guess Mark Maron and him both use. And we tried it out, and it didn't sound as good. Well, ours is a lot louder. But I think a part of that is this show is a little more unstructured, so there's people leaning back and yelling and stuff like that. There's not really any of that going on in Maron's show. There's not really any of that going on in the Car. There's not really any of that going on the Corolla show.

You know, I think for our purposes, these are better. Do you listen to any podcasts besides, you know, or just kind of here and there? I listen to Disinfo. I listen to Psychedelic Salon. Psychedelic Salon is kind of cool because it's a podcast, but really it's a bunch of old audio recordings, like old Terrence McKenna recordings or, you know, stuff like that. So I listen to that stuff. But honestly, I try to listen to the news or I listen to talk radio for two reasons.

One, you know, to see if there's anybody that I agree with. And two, to see if there's anybody that's just completely out to lunch. Like I listen to Patriot on Sirius Satellite Radio. The reason why I listen to it, it's all fucking bananas. It's all these crazy assholes that want to bury gold, and they're ready for the whole thing to come tumbling down. They got their guns ready, and this Obama, what he's trying to do with this air gun. It's those guys.

You don't fall for that shit. That doesn't get in the back of your head. Like, oh my God, you're right. We need to collect gold. No. You don't fall for it. Come on, man. I think if the shit hits the fan,

gold's not what we're going to need. We're going to need bullets and gasoline. That's what I think. Bullets, gasoline, guns, places to stay, somewhere you go where there's no radiation. When the shit hits the fan, there's so many... Human beings have devised so many ways

to fuck each other up that if something ever really chaotic happened at this point in time, where we really went into nuclear warfare, man, the golden can help you, dog. Every time I'm away from LA, this is the reason, one of the things that maybe we should leave LA someday.

Because every time I'm away from LA, like I was out of town this weekend, and when I was away, I was like, now's a good time. If shit was to happen, this would be a good time. Because I'm kind of out of the crowd. I could escape easier, you know, because there's not a whole bunch of traffic in Solvang.

And, like, I think I have, like, a whole suitcase of shit. I have my computers and stuff. I think at a certain point in time, it becomes completely unnecessary to be in such a large group of people. The only benefit of it is that because there's so many people, you're going to get, and especially because it's such a desired area, you get a lot of fascinating people here. Yeah. And if you move to Denver, what are you going to do with the podcast? Fly Freddie Lockhart out on a plane? I don't know.

I think what I could do is there's three comedy clubs in Denver. There's two comedy works and there's one improv. I could talk to the people that are coming in for that. I can interview them. Make it like a radio show kind of comedy works and there's one improv. I can talk to the people that are coming in for that. I can interview them. Make it like a radio show, kind of. Yeah, there's local comics.

There's a strong local comic scene in Denver. So I could always have those guys come on. And we could do Skype, too. I did Ariel Helwani, his MMA show. I did it yesterday.

And I did it through Skype. It's pretty badass, man. How did it sound? It sounds... He sounds great. I used that stupid blue snowball microphone. The only thing that's

kind of fucked though is that you can't hear your own voice. Right. And there's ways to set it up that you could, definitely. You could use these mics as an example.

Yeah, and if I had it set up like this, like if I had it set up like this in Colorado and you had it set up like this in California and we just Skyped it together, we could do a podcast. It would be pretty easy.

But then once I show you how sweet Colorado is, you're going to want to move too. Yeah. But there's not as many of your type of girls out there. Yeah. I know. You'd have to change your standards. Yeah. I don't know.

Hippie is what's mostly there, right? Like people that are working out and hippie Yes, boulders, a lot of that Boulders, hippie, and boulders, people that are in really good shape Right No one wears makeup, no one looks like a whore Yeah Shit

That's kind of a bummer I'm going to have to get the girl pregnant or something There's not a lot of girls like the ones that you're around all the time in California There's not a lot That's very rare for the you're around all the time in California. That's very rare for the whole world. Yeah. Well, that's, you know, I go ups and downs. You know, my dating is not, it's like a stock market graph.

You know, it's like I don't really look for what I date. But what I'm saying is living in Los Angeles is giving you access to these girls. I know. Why leave that? That's worth it. That's worth death. At least you die with a heart on. I mean, you can find hot chicks in Colorado. They're just not going to be quite so needy.

Yeah. It's fucked up. You know, ever since I got in this relationship, I already see my stand-up going away. Just like how it always does. It's like, hey, do you want to have sex and hang out with this hot girl? Or do you want to do stand-up and hang out with four guys that you yeah barely know you got a tricky situation because if you really want to do stand-up you can't just do it during my shows or half-ass right so i'm making myself go tonight but i'm you know i haven't been writing because when i'm you know i'm not writing

as much either yeah you're weak weak you just in. But it's easy to do, man. I did that when I was in high school. Yeah. I used to have a whole joke about it, about how when I was in high school, I played baseball and did all these sports until I started getting laid. And then I was like, whatever with all that other stuff. My parents were like, what about baseball? I'm like, yeah, I found this new thing.

I think I like it more. Right. Once you start having sex, why am I playing baseball? Yeah. That shit's boring. Yeah. I watched, have you, you don't have your first set on tape, do you?

No, no. Do you? Yeah, I watched it the other day. It's awful. It's horrible. What sucks is just, just everything sucks. Do you like the new ones, though?

I like the new ones, definitely. Yeah. It's definitely, like before you could see the nervousness on stage. I mean, this was 2003 or whatever, but it was gross. I can't even fucking imagine. It's hard to watch my sets from last night.

Even if I killed, it's still weird. It's hard. Even if you're killing. But man, if you're not killing, ooh, it's painful. It's so painful. Yeah. You've got to figure out, bro, if you really want to do it. Because if you really not killing, ooh, it's painful. It's so painful. Yeah. Stand-up.

You've got to figure out, bro, if you really want to do it. Because if you really want to do it, there's only one way to do it. You've got to go gangbusters. You've got to put together an act. You've got a rare opportunity, man. You're on the road with me all the time, so you get to do these sets in front of these giant crowds. I guess how I look at stand-up is more as I enjoy doing it kind of like, I like doing it playing baseball.

I like bowling. But I guess I'm not looking at it career-wise. And I don't think I ever want to do it as a career-wise. I think, if anything, it's just a workout for this podcast even. To make you more comfortable. Yeah, just more comfortable thinking of funny ideas and just being creative. Because if I'm not doing this, then I'm painting. If I have to be doing something and now right now it's just, you just have so much in you,

you need to get out. Yeah. Right. Shroom's really nice to reset that though. You need to shroom again soon, man. It's, it's, I shroomed the other day and it's, it wasn't the best one, but it definitely just opens up how you look at everything. It's a reset. Yeah, i do that every time i get in the tank yeah thanks a big reset you need to try that but yeah any any any opportunity that you have to just fucking just step outside of the whole thing and just relax let's take a look at this let's assess this you know from an even position so many times in life, you're just on momentum. Every one step from the next, it's like there's something pushing behind you and you just keep moving. Have you ever forgot to take off a condom after sex?

Ew. No, like sometimes I'll have sex and then when I come and I'll take the condom and throw it away, put a new condom on so I can continue and then not come again, but I forget I have that condom on. You're getting way too personal. I know, you know, when I come and I'll take the condom and throw away, put a new condom on so I can continue and then not come again. But I forget I have that condom on. You're getting way too personal. I know.

I know. I'm trying to clean it up a little bit. But I was shrooming and then I went to go piss. And I'm sitting there going, oh. And I'm like, wait. And you're peeing into the condom? Yeah. I didn't know the condom was on.

And I didn't hear the water. And I'm like, what the fuck? You might be the laziest motherfucker I've ever met in my life. You're so lazy you can't even take your condom off to pee. But you know what's crazy? I can't be bothered. You never know. It's all the way down there.

No, I didn't know it was on there, but it's crazy how much pee comes out so fast, because it was like a full balloon when I looked down. And the first thing you do- How the fuck does it stay on your dick? I don't know. It stayed on pretty- I guess pussy just dried or something. I don't know. But what's crazy, your first thing to do is like holy shit and so i just like kind of like pulled it off

in the weight of the uh pee dropped into the toilet and just start spraying out back out of the toilet and it would piss everywhere it was fucking that doesn't even make sense how does that condom stay on you while you're pissing it did it didn't it didn't fall off what kind of lube did you use? I didn't. The only thing I did use, I think I might have had some flesh lube around. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

So it's just whatever lube was on the condom. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's fucked up. Tight condom. It was a tight condom. That's ridiculous. Did you go over your balls? Huh?

That's another joke a friend of mine, Amir Galan. Fuck, I forget what his fake name was. He used to have a fake name that he used to use on stage. I forgot what his name was. But anyway, he had this joke about, I remember the first time I put on a condom, it was really tight. I got back from the bathroom, the girl was laughing at me. I was like, this is fucking painful.

Why are you laughing? She goes, it doesn't have to go over your balls. Fucking idiot. He had a bunch of great jokes. Here's another one. Yeah, my friend got his girlfriend pregnant. They were having anal sex. You know, the baby looks like shit.

This is so stupid, but... Oh, fuck. Anyway, you're so lazy, you don't take off your clothes. No, I just forgot. I was shrooming having sex. Do you ever feel like an incredibly lazy person, though? but anyway, you're so lazy. You don't take off your car. I just forgot. I was shrooming having sex. Do you ever feel like an incredibly lazy person though? Do you ever like look at some of the shit that you say?

Um, like lazy in general in life. Yeah. Just like, I, I always think I have some kind of like if I, I got my thyroid check, but it was fine. But I always think that I always have had some kind of like,

you know, I'm always feel like I need speed. Like I need something like when I drink so much coffee, it doesn't feel like it does anything. But I always think that I always have had some kind of like, you know, I'm always feel like I need speed. Like I need something. Like when I drink so much coffee, it doesn't feel like it does anything. Do you think you have ADD or something like that? No, I wouldn't say ADD. Or do you want to those fucking buckle up Republican guys?

There is no ADD. When I was a kid, they were just nutty. They were just nutty kids. They're not diseased. No. Stop coddling them. No, I probably think it's because i just don't work out i don't do shit like that that my body's just in fifth gear you know just slow right your

body yeah you need to kick your body in the air but all this humping should be doing something for you yeah shouldn't that be firing up your fucking testosterone banks bang bang bang yeah no yeah sure i don't know no what were we talking about? We were talking about you being lazy as fuck. Yeah, I think it's either exercise or it's probably some kind of deficiency of some kind probably that I need. Well, I know friends that are on that Adderall shit. And they just said, oh, I needed it to concentrate. And okay, I guess. But it's speed.

I can't think you're going gonna last very long on speed yeah you know i don't like what it feels like i'll have a cup of coffee during the podcast and one cup of coffee is fine but if i have two cups of coffee during the podcast after the podcast is over i feel all amped up i feel like i don't feel shitty really i don't feel that at all the only thing like like feel like There's a lot of energy In your system? No it doesn't work But what I do notice Is that I clench

When I Instead of feeling that energy I'll find myself like Really? Clenching my teeth really hard I don't know Out of nowhere? I do it all the time

I noticed on the way home yesterday Because I had two cups of coffee Here yesterday And I noticed I was driving And I'm like Why am I clenching my teeth? Like I don't know what it is Like it's like it's all going to my my jaw dude you've got to be one of the weirdest motherfuckers i've ever met i do it all the time if you if you look back at old u streams

you'll see like this line on my i do this i bite my cheek and are you thinking about anything when you're doing it no i'm just doing it i No, I'm just like clenching. Like you have this energy that you gotta get out. Yeah, in my mouth. You gotta squeeze off around. Yeah. Wow. Maybe you have some like unaddressed energy issues. You know? Maybe if you like started doing something like throwing in the discus or something like really physical.

Right. Maybe you would like feel much better. I've been trying this Xbox dance game on Kinect. It works pretty good. When are they gonna have some sort of a martial arts game where like a robot does certain moves and you can kick it you know I get like moves forward and you can leg kick it it moves you know you punch it doesn't have to do much I think just to be a target I think this connect thing I don't know if you know what connect is it's like that

that webcam thing that they put you put on top of your TV and it'ss your body it works i don't know like i'm not i haven't played that much but the games i've played fucking badass it's like uh where you just hold up your hand like you can do netflix we're streaming through movies going like this with your hand moving it left or right you're streaming through movies and then if you want to pick one you push you pull your hand out and grab it and it's kind of like uh whatever minority report or whatever but but they have games too where you don't have any controllers anymore so how how accurate is it how effective is it you know from what i understand it's not the best but i have never noticed it not being accurate i think it's pretty accurate so i i've heard the so as long as you're not playing

like a first person shooter or something where you'd have to i think it's good enough for that i think it's good enough for that i think? I think it's good enough for that. Wow. I think it's really based on lighting and clothing. And because like the girl I was with was wearing a dress and it couldn't detect her separate legs. So it was kind of fucking up. So she took off her dress and then it worked perfect. Oh, it's a trick. It wanted you to be a whore.

Exactly. That's what it is. That's right. Well, that's what I told her. It's because you have a dress on. There's too much clothes on. God, what are you doing over here? That's crazy. That's crazy. So now if you're using it her. It's because you have a dress on. There's too much clothes on. God, what are you doing over here? That's crazy.

So now, if you're using it as a first-person shooter, how do you pull triggers? See, I don't know. I haven't played a first-person shooter, but what I would imagine, I don't know. That'd be weird. Yeah. I don't know how they're going to do it. We can't talk about that one thing, but there is a crazy first-person shooter that... We can't talk about something?

No, no. Why not? Because I don't think it's known. Somebody tell us this? No. The video that I showed you that Kevin Pereira might have showed us. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah.

That's all incognito. I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. Yeah, because you've got to think of a guy... If you're doing a first-person shooter, you've got to deal with two things. One, how do you simulate movement? How do you go forward? You're running. How do you go on forward? And how does the machine know you're doing a first person shooter you got you got to deal with two things one how do you simulate movement like how do you go forward you know you're running how do you run forward and how does the machine know you're running back yeah but because you're not moving forward though no i think it's something with your hands like because with the dance game it was like you do

like something like that that means forward you go like this and you shake your hand to the right that means you're shooting well ideally what you want is like a giant dome or a ball rather and you be inside that ball like a hamster ball. And that ball, you'd have some sort of a 3D helmet on, like a complete virtual reality helmet on. And then you would be walking around with this ball. You could walk in any direction. It wouldn't feel totally real. You'd kind of be realizing that you're on a ball and then you're stuck in this you know in this thing but that would be i mean other than that how the

fuck else could you simulate movement unless you just did it inside like the virtual reality then it wouldn't even be virtual anymore you'd have to do it inside like uh put a program and then make make a program the exact parameters of say an airplane hangar right and then you have an empty airplane hangar and they walk around inside that hangar. Yeah. It's all wired, and you could do it that way. But then that kind of defeats the whole purpose of virtual reality, right? Yeah.

The idea is that you're supposed to be able to do it wherever you are. Yeah. Would you ever go to Burning Man? No. Why not? Too many hippies. Too many hippies. I learned about hippies when I moved to Boulder.

I like them in theory. Yeah. I like them in theory. I. I like them in theory. I don't like a lot of people that are asking for money all the time. I find that shit to be very annoying. I don't like people playing shitty songs and wanting a dollar. Right. You know, for the most part, they're cool.

But, you know, there's just, there's too much of that hippie movement that wants people to help them, you know, and this is how I feel about that. If I felt like everybody was on the ball and everybody was doing their best and, you know, I'm a generous person. And I think one of the things about being generous is if you have the opportunity to do so, it feels really good to be generous, especially if it doesn't affect you. It's not like you're being generous and it's hurting you, you know? So I think it's, it's important, but in passing, like say you're passing love to the left and there's a big circle of people, man. The real problem is there's a lot of fucking people that never keep passing the love. They take it and then they walk away. You know, there's, there's some people that are always there for you. There's some people and they're doing their best and they're, they's, there's some people that are always there for you. There's some people

and they're doing their best and they're, they're, they're living their life and you're doing your best and you're living your life and you're helping each other. And you, Hey man, can I borrow your truck? I got to move. Fuck yeah, man. Come on over. Dude. Anytime you got my shit, you know, you know, we're friends. You help me. I help you. We're all together, but we all know those, the few people that don't contribute, They always need something and they don't contribute. And my experience, that's my experience with hippies. That's my experience with a lot of people that, you know, are like really into like socialist ideals. A lot of it is because they're fucking lazy, man.

They're fucking lazy and they don't work that hard and they don't do their part and they somehow or another feel like the whole system's unfair, man, which fuck yeah, of course it is. Of course it's unfair. Of course it's corrupt. Of course it's fucked up, but that's not why you're a loser. There's a lot of people that aren't losers. Most people are losers because they're lazy as shit and they want to blame other people for that and they want to blame society and they want to blame, look, society is completely fucked, But guess what? It's not like there's one person that makes it fucked. The whole thing is it's fucked because it's on a foundation of bullshit. It doesn't make any sense. But knowing that you see what it is, make your path, make your path, figure out

something that you can do to feed yourself. Okay. Figure out something you can do to put a roof over your head. If you just figure it out, man. Fucking figure it out. It doesn't mean you have to be a fucking asshole to be successful. It doesn't mean you have to be a part of the system, man. No, just stop asking people for money. Stop being a fucking mooch.

Get your shit together, okay? That's my problem with hippies. My problem with hippies is part of the whole idea of being a hippie is being really nice and being really relaxed. And sometimes life does not call for that sometimes life calls for you got to get off your fucking ass and make something happen man yeah you know that's there's a lot i had a friend who was his what his girlfriend was having a baby this is many many years ago and i had a fucking scream at this guy this guy was unemployed and he he was he was like, you would, he couldn't get his

shit together. He couldn't make something happen. He was trying to be a comedian for a while that didn't work out. And then he was trying to do some other stuff. He's trying to do some radio and a bunch of different, and we had this conversation and I'm like, man, you got to realize you're going to become that fucking guy. You're going to become that unbelievably pathetic guy who can't feed his kids, right? You got to fucking do something, man. You got to make something happen. And you know, it's not, Hey, you know, we really need some food. Do you think you could help us? That's the hippie approach to go to people and you've got to make your own fucking way. You've got to make your own way. And that was my problem with Boulder. And that would

ultimately, I'm sure it'd be my problem with Portland. It's a bit of my problem with San Francisco. And it's not that I'm not a kind person, I'm a very kind person, but I recognize the difference between someone who's in need and someone who's fucking lazy, and there's a lot of people that are just weak, they're weak as shit, man, and they have no philosophy to live their life by, they have no discipline that they've developed over years of trying to accomplish things, to the point where they have this sense of personal sovereignty, they can take care of themselves. And occasionally everybody needs help. But if somebody will help you, if they know that you're the type of person that will help them, and if you know that you're the type of person that does their best, what drives me nuts is when someone wants help. I'm like,

motherfucker, you're not even helping yourself. Like, look what you're doing for yourself. And you want someone else to step in and manage your fucking situation that's ridiculous man that's that's that is the number one problem with the whole idea of everyone together man the real problem is that everyone doesn't do their fucking part man that's the real problem there's a lot of lazy bitches in this world yeah well the reason why i was asking about burning man is i i've often thought the same thing like fuck hippies you know, you know, because I've been there, done that. I hate it. You know, I hated the people, too. The lazy hippies.

There's good hippies. There's great hippies. There's legit hippies. Right. But I hung out with bad hippies. It got bad, you know. It's like everything else. It's like MMA fans.

You know, I have a lot of friends that are MMA fans. I have friends that have graduated from Harvard, friends that are fucking, I know guys who are scientists. The guy who created Beavis and Butthead, Mike Judge, huge MMA fan. I mean, there's a lot of intelligent MMA fans.

Yeah. But then there's a lot of idiots. Yeah. But I was looking at these videos lately because the girl goes every year or whatever. And so, there is some fucking cool shit

going on at Burning Man. I'm sure. And I guess you can rent these big RVs, you know, and that's the way to do it is to have your RV don't live in way to do it. They have your RV. You don't live in a tent or whatever.

They have showers and stuff. But there's this thing called – I don't know if you've ever heard of it. They're called – let's see. What are they called? Hermos – shit. It's zeotropes. Have you ever heard of a zeotrope? Zeotrope.

I'm sorry. Zoetrope. Zoe trope. No. Z-O-E-T-R-O-P-E. What it is, is it's like a carousel type thing, like a merry-go-round, and each kind of, you know, couple feet, there's like a drawing, or there's some kind of sculpture, like a monkey hanging from a vine. And then the next one, like, you know, three feet over, is the same monkey, but it's kind

of changing a little, you know? So when it turns, and you have a flashing light that just flashes at a certain rate, it looks like the monkeys are moving. So it's in the middle of this desert and there's like, they have these statues of like people diving down into the ground that just melt into the ground. They have like these monkey,

uh, that are spinning. Uh, check this out right here. Here's, here's the, here's a monkey one. I don't know if you can see this. Uh, here's a monkey. Oh, that is spinning. Check this out right here. Here's a monkey one. I don't know if you can see this.

Here's a monkey one. Oh, that is badass. And it's fucking trippy. So basically what they've done is animation. Animation, yeah. Just like the old claymation models they used to use for King Kong and shit. Yeah, or like an old flip book

where you draw on a flip book and you flip it through. That's badass, man. I'm down with the artistic end of it. I'm down with the whole idea of it. I'm down with the whole idea of all these artists getting together and doing cool shit. I just think there'd be a lot of stinky people. I just wonder why,

or maybe they have, why doesn't a collection of people like yourself do a comedy show while they're there? Because that is huge. No, I'd rather not perform there. If I was going to go there, I'd just want to hang out, have fun. Well, I mean, you can hang out.

Why don't you perform? Imagine performing once, like a Wood want to hang out, have fun. Well, I mean, you can hang out. Imagine performing once like a Woodstock of comedy, psychedelic comedy. There would be so much mushrooms and so much

everything else going around. Too much fun. I would be too fucked up. I wouldn't want to be talking on stage through a microphone. That's the last thing you want to do

when you're on shrooms. Well, I mean, yeah, you just don't do shrooms that hour and a half, two hours. Yeah, I think if you're there, you just want to experience it. That's what I would want to do. Yeah, I perform enough, man. I perform plenty. You know, I think I, Freddie Soto used to say this back in the day, you know, people used to offer Freddie gigs at like bars and stuff like that.

And he's like, no, thank you. I appreciate it. But I only do comedy clubs, man. That's it. And that was his, he just was like, it's not worth it, man. You go to these bars and everyone's talking and you can't do your act right. You rush it because you're trying to get their attention. And he was totally right. You know, he's totally right. And that's kind of how I am right now. I only do shows. I'll do, you know, here's my show. I'm doing it. I'm at this theater. Come see me. I'm at this comedy club. Come in. That's, and then there's no problems. There's no hassles. It is what it is. But if you're just doing a fucking, like you're at a tent with some speakers

and you're on this stage and all these people are all, they're all fucked out of their minds. You know, why should they pay attention to you? They shouldn't. You would feel illegitimate standing there asking them to. If you knew that everyone in the crowd was on mushrooms, you would have nothing to say. You're like, unless I'm on mushrooms too, what am I going to tell you guys?

I'm not going to tell you shit, man. You're communicating with the alien overlords right now. These beings that have come on asteroids and their spores have infested this earth. You're communicating with them through eating them. What, I'm going to tell you some stupid dick jokes? Yeah, but you're pretty known for being a psychedelic speaker. I mean, you always do the marijuana shows here in town and stuff like that for the same reason to the same kind of people. Yeah, but I think part of being into psychedelics

and understanding psychedelics and have had psychedelic experiences, it sort of negates any idea of you wanting that sort of attention, like doing a show. Like when you're doing a show, the beautiful thing about a show is that people enjoy it and they have a good fucking time. They come see a comedy show,

but that's not what you want to do when you're jazzed out of your head. If you're on psychedelics, you don't want to go see a comedy show. I don't want to see anything structured. I certainly don't want someone on stage forcing their... There's a lot of things you say on stage in a comedy show that's just to get a laugh. That's what it's there for. It's there to spice up the show, to have more fun,

and those things will stand out like fucking wet shits in your underwear. They're just like, oh, what's this? If you're on Mushrooms, every jokey joke that you have will just be like, bleh. Bring Doug Benson some black lights and some body paint.

It might be a good time. Doug Benson would just be hugging girls. Hi, you can have a hug too can we have a hug i've never met anybody who's high more consistently than doug benson yeah every now and then he'll send me a tweet you're high right now aren't you a text message you're high right now aren't you i'm like i know you are motherfucker it's so funny because i never knew that was real like when i first met really when i first met doug i thought the whole marijuana thing was kind of like an act kind of like an andrew dice clay kind of like yeah you know like he was doing i mean he

might have smoked weed but i didn't think he was the the crazy stoner and just after hanging out with him that first night oh fuck yeah immediately he's like every five minutes hey let's go back to your hotel room and smoke someone another joint yeah he those guys like to go deep man there's there's some dudes who go real deep those Those guys involved in the medical marijuana, like normal, those guys go so deep. We were not normal, but the cannabis cup, that was the deepest that I've ever been. There was on Melrose in Hollywood, I was one of the judges,

and it was at a head shop, and they closed the head shop down. They papered up the window so no one could see inside. They put a doorman in the back, locked the front, and then they turned the whole thing into this cannabis cup party. Really fucking bold move, man, because they did this shit in the middle of Hollywood and the place was just filled with weed. I mean, it was unbelievable and no one stopped. They just kept going deeper and deeper and deeper until I left there. I went to get something to eat. I was like, there's no way I can drive home right now. I just kept going deeper and deeper and deeper. I left there. I went to get something to eat. I was like, there's no way I can drive home right now. I just got to hang out for a few hours.

I had to hang out. I mean, most of the time when you're high, driving is not an issue. Because driving is not any more complicated than walking. You know, I mean, as long as you're not smoking indica, as long as you're not smoking some dopey weed, you know, if you're driving and you're high, you know, just be extra careful. Watch what you're doing. It doesn't affect your hand-eye coordination. mean i do jujitsu on weed i i kickbox and weed it's not a problem but but i was so high then i was like no fucking way man there's no way i'm gonna drive this thing and risk not being in control of my senses

i'm gonna have a cup of coffee and have some food and just fucking sit back and read my cell phone for a little bit. Go over my notes. You know, sit down for a bit before I drive home. It was too stupid. Because, like, you get to a certain point when people are like, everybody's handing you cookies. Here's a vaporizer bag.

Hit this. This is a new blunt paper that I developed. Hit that. And everyone's passing joints left to right. It's like a never-ending, like a cyclone of joints getting passed around it was fucking ridiculous but you get to this point where you're not even high anymore it's not like you're high anymore it's like you're not there it's like you're you're in a room and you know the the room has one window and it's a circular window and the room is like four by four wide you can't even move there's not even a toilet it's just you you in that room in that circular window and that circular window is now how you view the rest of the world you're looking out that window going what the

fuck is going on out there because this is crazy i don't even know what's happening out there that's what it's like it's like you're detached from the world you're so high you're detached you know but those things, if anybody ever wanted some sort of argument against the cause, go to one of those cannabis cups, man. The good thing is, man, everybody is friendly as fuck.

I've been to, shit, a hundred medical marijuana shows or parties or parties at the Playboy Mansion. I've never seen so much as an argument. Never seen a raised voice. Never seen a push. Never seen anybody get crazy.

Not even girls. Every time you go out, some girl will be talking shit to some other girl. Everywhere. In Vegas, in LA, anywhere. If you stay around the night long enough and pay attention,

you're going to hear some girl yell at some girl. Right? Yeah, totally. But not in in when in those weed shows those weed shows everybody's just so nice yeah it's just people if people really realize what it could do for you you know so many people like i have a friend who's like super organized and like he's like really ambitious and he's he produces television shows like

a real go-getter very nice guy and but he he's so anal and just fucking wound up about shit. He only wears black. He won't wear anything other than black. Oh, really? His whole, like you open up his wardrobe, it's black shirts and black. Isn't that shit weird when somebody does that? Or they only wear the white t-shirt, like John Caparello. Is that his name?

Does he do that? He only wears a white t-shirt, you know, like every day. That's like his outfit. Yeah. His uniform when he goes to work. Yeah. Does he wear it like when he goes out on dates? Only that white t-shirt? That I don't know. But his outfit yeah it's uniform when he goes to work yeah does he wear it like when he goes out on dates on that white t-shirt that i don't know but there's definitely you ask him on a date see what's up vagina for me well yeah but like like there is

people like that that like only wear certain things like well this dude isn't just in badly in need of a joint i keep telling him i go I go, dude, just trust me, man. Just trust me. Just try a little weed. It'll help you relax. Mike, you're a good guy. You got a lot of good things going on. You just need a little fresh perspective, man. And that's totally true. You had a live proofing the other day on that Podcast

98. It was like, you just need to smoke weed. Immediately after smoking weed, everything was great. You know? Podcast 98, a.k.a. The Disaster. Disaster. Brian Whitaker apparently is very upset with the depictions immediately after smoking weed everything was great you know podcast 98 aka the disaster disaster brian whitaker apparently is very upset with the depictions of him from that podcast tweeting mean things to you yeah he started attacking me on twitter just like today it's like dude all right the the thing i'm saying is i'm trying to make sure that people that are at home can listen to this podcast and understand what's going on

instead of having a million people talking at once there's no attack on you i understand what you're saying so for the people that don't know about that podcast and it's not worth listening to it wasn't a good one but um there was just he just had an issue where he didn't know how to be on a podcast he didn't know that you can't talk while other people are talking right and it wasn't you know he didn't have a chance to prepare he just got thrown into it you know he didn't know that you can't talk while other people are talking. He didn't have a chance to prepare. He just got thrown into it. He didn't even know he was going to be doing it. We've talked about him too much.

Yeah, we have talked about him. He's a good dude. He's just out there doing his thing, and it's hard out there for a pimp. Yeah, but at least it's easier when you work at the improv. You get stage time. Is that your dig? Is that your last dig at him? Because he had a dig at you?

You get a lot of people that hate on you, man. Of course. I've always had that. Ever since I started talking to you, I've been getting haters. Ever since you started talking to me? Yeah. I don't know, man. People don't respect the red band.

Yeah. Because people... Well, whenever you do something, I mean, even you do comedy, people look at it and, God, it looks so easy. I could do that, too. You ain't even funny. I could fucking do that. But then they look at you and they're like, what, does he know how to edit some videos or something? Fucking I can do that too. You ain't even funny. I could fucking do that. But then they look at you and they're like,

what, does he know how to edit some videos or something? Fucking I can do that too. They look at someone who's in a nice spot and they think, what the fuck? Why isn't that me? It's hard to not be jealous, man. There's some ingrained shit. I see with my kids.

It's really interesting. The three-year-old and the one-year-old, sometimes the three-year-old would get upset at the one-year-old. If the one-year-old's getting too much attention, she'll take things from her and stuff. And it's like, it's just nature. Nature wants you, you want to collect all that love. That's why people develop great personalities. They develop great personalities because they realize somewhere along the line, with rewards,

is that when you have a great personality, the reward is people are always nice to you. You get all this nice energy. People want to be around you. That's the reason why great personalities get invented, because people become whores for other people's love. I mean, that's really what it is. I mean, it's a beautiful thing in both ways, but really the root of it all is that people really want positive attention.

So when you see jealousy in little kids, and then you see jealousy in grown adults, you see really petty shit and haters. I love to go on those gossip blogs and just to read. I don't even know who these people are, but someone will be someone from The Bachelor or someone from something. I just like to read the comments.

I don't even know what the fuck the story is about. Half the time I can't pay his baby and his mom and they're in court. Whatever, whatever. What's going on in the comments and i go down the comments and it's just hate yeah it is hate evilness and it's ridiculous because when people the the biggest thing is like if it wasn't for rogan this that this and that i'm like yeah if it wasn't for rogan he saw my work he liked what i did he hired talking about me like i'm not even here i know i know it's but but what is like a company like nbc like jay leno you know, people are mad at Jay like,

if it wasn't for NBC, you would be nobody. You know, it's me getting Joe Singh my work and then hiring me. I got a job. It's really simple. He's an artist. Hello. He's an artist and he was creating things that I thought were very worthwhile. And so I hired him.

It's really simple. It's pretty easy. And, you know, and people that, you know simple. It's pretty easy. And people that, there's a weird dynamic, and people are like, how are you guys friends? You guys are so different. You don't have to be the same

as your fucking friends, man. That's silly. If everyone was the same, then you'd all be running around saying the same shit and cock-blocking each other. Listen to Paula Abdul, Opposites Attract.

Is that what you said? I think. Opposites Attract. I heard Forever You Girl the other day. Forever You Girl. I miss the music on the podcast, Joe. Yeah, I do too, man. We can't do that shit anymore. The Sirius deal is signed, ladies and gentlemen. Is it signed?

Yeah, it's all done. I mean, I haven't written my name on it, but they did. But I'm gonna. So we're gonna have it on Sirius. It'll be 12 episodes. We have to get ready. We have to pull music. If we have music on, we have to check them oh really we're doing like back episodes

yeah we're gonna send them 12 and then we're gonna go live what's your 12 favorite episodes that we've ever done not 12 what's your 5 top 5 that you've ever done top 5

well my number 1 favorite just just for sheer far out factor is always Duncan Duncan's my favorite because Duncan's just so fucking weird

and like when he starts chanting Buddhist mantras and talking to you about the Bhagavad Gita and, you know, and he just, he just gets me going, man, Duncan and I, and he doesn't have these conversations. He says with anybody else either. He's like, he and I, we have just this weird chemistry when we get together. It's all crazy talk. The other day I called him up, called him up yesterday. Cause I said, Hey, we're doing the hundredth podcast today. You you know maybe you want to like walk in like halfway in and sit down with us i was thinking like maybe that would be cool to have like guests come over while we're doing it right and he goes i would love to because i'm he's in the middle of

this show that he's putting together yeah and he goes i did mushrooms last night man i was surrounded by elves i have so much to talk to you about yeah i was scared to fucking eat surrounded he said i was surrounded by elves. He said, I did more mushrooms than I've ever done. I was surrounded by elves. So Duncan's going to be

in the podcast next week. Sweet. And he's going to tell us this whole thing. And you recently went shrooming up in Northern California? Solvang. It's like north of Santa Barbara.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if people just did that? If they had retreats instead of going. I mean, even have these wine tasting retreats. How about right next to the wine tasting retreats, a mushroom retreat? Yeah. Go there.

Everybody's going to be nice to you. It's all soothing sounds. And you're in a comfortable room. And the shaman are all experienced. Everybody who works there is professional. You pay a couple hundred bucks a day or whatever the hell you do. And you just blast off it's pretty amazing how much better wine tastes when it's at the vineyard i don't know why because it's all the same it's bottled you know is it well the ones who offer the tours are they

like really known labels yeah oh yeah these are like the big dogs like these are for wine remember the name i don't remember i don't names. I usually buy wine by the bottle. Like if it's got a cool bottle, I'll buy it. Really? Yeah. There's kinds of wines I like. I like Merlots. I like shit like that.

But I just usually go by the bottle like, oh, that's a crazy cat on that. Yeah. I never used to go. If I was on a date, perhaps, back in the day, I would order a glass of wine or a bottle of wine, but I would never order a glass of wine while I was eating dinner. But now I do all the time. I do all the time. I like a nice, strong red wine with a steak.

It just tastes better. There's this thing, the flavor is all combining. And as I've gotten, like Matt Lichtenberg, my buddy, is a huge wine fanatic he's like he's uh he's a wine geek i mean he has this crazy wine cellar in his home with some insane amount of money worth of wine in it and he's one of those guys that can tell you why a wine is good and what year it's good and you know what what part of the country it comes from and all that kind of shit and when when you're around a guy like that, and they know so much about wine, then you start to sort of appreciate it.

Like, oh, okay, this is some weird tasting art form. It's like they're trying to create this ultimate taste, and it's a very specific taste. And it's a weird thing, like the whole idea of acquired taste. I used to think that was so stupid. Like, why would you acquire a taste for something like caviar? The fucking stuff, you know, it's super expensive, and it really kind of tastes like shit when you first take it.

Why wouldn't you just, okay, it tastes like shit forever, and this is what it is. I don't have to worry about it anymore. But no, people get into it, and then they start getting more and more expensive tastes, and you're getting stuff that's thousands and thousands of dollars, salty fucking stupid fish eggs. Well, wine is kind of like that too.

And they're like the first time you try wine, like when you're like a little kid or something like who the fuck would get into that. But when you really like, like get a nice Pinot Noir and a delicious steak and you're cutting into that steak and then you have a sip of the wine, all the flavors together it takes a while to appreciate it but knowing someone who knows as much about wine as i do i mean he tells

me so much about you know like you know it's all about like how they put it in what kind of barrels they use store it and how they store it how long they store it and how long how long has it been bottled for and it's pretty amazing one of the wineries I went to, they did cheese pairings, which is cool because you think, okay, they're going to mix this cheese with this wine. Yeah, it's going to just taste like cheese and wine. Now, if I still use the word faggot, which I don't, I might throw it at you right there. I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah, I like cheese.

You like cheese? I do too. You like wine, right? I do. It just sounds fruity-tooty. Yeah, it does. You say, oh, I went to a cheese pairing and a wine tasting. Dude, you know how wet that pussy gets when you're going to a wine and cheese tasting?

That's the most ridiculous wet pussy you'll ever see. Because they feel normal for the first time in their life. Like, I'm normal. Brian's a good guy. He's not taking me to see Poison in concert. That's right. He's taking me to a sophisticated wine. I'm not fucking taking you to Motel 6.

Yeah. It's a wine tasting in the middle of Northern California. He's an amazing guy. That's cool.'s taking me To a sophisticated Motel 6 Yeah It's a wine tasting In the middle of Northern California He's an amazing guy That's cool You know what But you went for the fun Of it

You didn't want Oh no no It was more like Hey want to get away Not No internet No work What's it like up there

It's beautiful It's the crazy mountains There's this huge lake At one point I forget the name of it North of Santa Barbara There's this humongous lake Where it's just best fishing I could imagine. Now, are there families up there?

Or is it just couples mostly? I saw families. I saw families. But it was a lot of bed and breakfasts. A lot of nice historic old hotels that you go in. And every room is unique. That's what we stayed at. This place called Peterson at the Inn or the Inn at Peterson.

Is this near Santa Ynez? Yes, yes, right next – Tom Likas used to always rant and rave about that, man. It's amazing. There was ostrich farms where it was just huge fields of ostriches running around. You can go there and get like ostrich eggs and like hang out with ostriches. But they're running around. They look like dinosaurs.

They look like – it's amazing, man. I highly recommend it if you just want to weekend out of L.A. Take the kids, go look like dinosaurs. They look like, it's amazing, man. I highly recommend it. If you just want to weekend out of L.A., take the kids, go to some farms. It's pretty relaxing. Ostriches are creepy as fuck, man. All birds are creepy as fuck. I've been joking around about it in my act a little bit,

about the mass bird deaths that happen, about how birds are really dinosaurs that survived, but they really are. That's the closest relative to the dinosaur is the bird. And an ostrich is a fucking dinosaur. It's a big-ass, weird-looking dinosaur. Yeah. It tastes delicious.

You ever get the ostrich burger? Fuddruckers? Yes. Wow. Strong, right? Find me a Coke. Yeah, I'll buy you a Coke. You got to have it rare, though. Don't be a pussy.

You don't have to worry about Mad Cow with those bitches just get that shit rare fire that fucker up or feel that that raw rare ostrich meat so delicious man yeah it's good stuff would you go camping here in la tent camping shit no camping where i can drive home the only time i go camping is on too far away to drive home and if I have guns on me. Yeah. I'm going hunting with Ricky Schroeder. Are you really? Yeah, we're going.

We're going to this ranch where you can shoot boar and they even have bison at this ranch. And it's like, you pay them for whatever you shoot and then you go out

onto their, they have this giant hunk of property out near Riverside, out near San Diego, that way. And so I'm going. Oh, that's cool, man.

Yeah. I've been wanting to go for a while. I'm supposed to go hunting in October with Randy Couture, with the natural Randy Couture. We're going for a TV show. So before that, I'm going to get some in with Ricky. That guy loves hunting, man. When I talked to him about it, his eyes lit up and everything.

He wants to come back on the podcast. I was going to say, Ricky, Ricky to me was one of my favorites. My favorites were always the out-of-nowhere people, like the Ricky Schroeder or even Kevin Pereira, I think, was one of my favorite ones of all time. Kevin was awesome. Rick has got some interesting stuff going on right now too, man. He just got some serious skin cancer

removed from his face. Are you serious? People walking around outside without sunscreen, man, be fucking careful. If you see some little mark on you, man, people die from weird skin little things when you're out there getting burnt. You don't think it's a big deal. And then you get melanoma. He had a big chunk of his face removed, man. Fuck.

He's got a big scar right on his temple. Do you get checked a lot? Yeah. Well, I'm not at risk because I'm fairly dark-skinned. I get tanned pretty easily. But I don't fuck around in the sun, man. But Rick is pale. He's white like paper.

You've got to be careful as fuck. And he's always out in the sun. He's like Mr. Outdoorsy. He's got this giant piece of property, and he's got property in Colorado. Ricky Schroeder's an interesting guy, man. He's a super outdoorsman character. He's always out there chopping wood and shit and getting things done. He wishes he lives on a farm or something like that. I think growing

up poor or rather growing up super rich and growing up rich and famous from the time as early as he can remember, he was a celebrity and he was rich. So he's always had so much fucking money that I think he likes driving around pickup trucks. He likes like doing like manual labor and shit like that. But when you do that, you got to put your sunscreen on homie yeah especially california out here this fucking heat the sun constantly beating down on you people get cancer you gotta be careful i have a bunch of moles i'm a very moldy motherfucker but uh my mom's had a few cut out and so really yeah so i recently went uh because there's this one that i have on my back that always is like crunchy you know it's like you know it's kind of it's it's like it's that's kind of, it's like, it's not good.

Yeah, it's not good. It's not crunchy. It just feels like different than all the other ones, you know, and sometimes, you know. Imagine if that was your problem. They pull that out and all of a sudden, boy, you get think clear and fucking start going to the gym. Just that mold was like a little vampire just sucking the life out of you. So I went there and she's like, no, that's fine. It's normal.

And I'm like, really? That's, why is why is it no that's just the kind it is or whatever and then she showed me pictures like if it ever looks like this come back what's it you gotta look at annie oakley style look at your back exactly what the fuck's that what is it what is it supposed to look like when it's bad it's like it's like red around it it looks kind of like it when she showed me i was yeah, yeah, that looks bad. You know, not this little mole that's a little flaky or whatever. Yeah. When are they going to fix that?

Moles can kill you. Yeah. Keep a good eye on your mole because it might be a bomb. How are you supposed to see that? I mean, that's. Yeah, especially if you got it in a weird place. Like, what if you died of a mole that was like right near your asshole? Right.

Who looks at their asshole? Yeah. You know? I only look at assholes in hotel rooms. That's like girl's asshole you look at a girl's asshole if you're banging her from behind but do you look at your own in a hotel room yeah because that's the only time where there's good lighting and good mirrors i'll sit on like the counter and just like fucking spread open and go oh look at my butthole really once in a while you should check it out just to look at it i mean when was the last time you looked at your butthole it's been a long time exactly what if you opened it up and there was this big purple thing in it?

I wait for signals from it. If it's sending me signals saying there's something wrong, constant itching, weird noises, then I'll go check it out. Fucking itchy asshole. Have you ever had an itchy asshole? For like a couple days, it was just nonstop. It's a Louis C.K. bit. It's also a Dane Cook bit.

That's weird. How did Dane Cook and Louis C.K. get together again? It's a very common joke. That does happen. We've all had itchy assholes. I was thinking about itchy assholes, and I was like, oh, yeah, that's weird. How did Dane Cook and Louie Seacrest get together again? It's a very common joke. That does happen. We've all had itchy assholes. I was thinking about itchy assholes, and I was like, oh, yeah, that's right. There's like 3,000 jokes about itchy assholes. Yeah, there's quite a few.

I mean, the issue with Dane and Louie, obviously, was that Louie had done it first. But, yeah, butthole jokes are quite common. Butthole jokes are quite common Yeah If you think about a subject And it's an obvious subject for a joke Chances are someone's already done A hundred jokes on it You know when I looked up the other day

I'm writing this chapter in my book And it has to do with porn And so I was talking about The moment that I realized That the internet was taking porn To a whole new level Was the moment, I forget who it was. It might have been Duncan sent me an email and the email heading said home run. And then I opened up the email and it just said, I love people in all capital letters and a link.

So I clicked the link and it opens up. It's Bella Donna on all fours with a baseball bat stuffed in her asshole. I mean, it's stuffed in there. Fat end first, which I didn't even think was possible. And I remember double face palming like the Home Alone kid and going, this bitch is just taking shit to another level. She stuffed a baseball bat. And then I thought about it.

Or is she taking it to another level? And I went and did a Google search. And there's 2,800,000 hits for baseball bat in the ass. Yeah. It's, it's normal. And you know, it's normal shit. No, you know, when she, uh, when she did that, she, uh, used to tweet about, uh, that where she was stretching it out for like a whole week.

Like I got a big anal scene, you know? And so she had like all these butt plugs and she just spent the week getting ready for doing shit like that. You know, she doesn't do porn anymore butt plugs and she just spent the week getting ready for doing shit like that. You know, she doesn't do porn anymore. I heard. I heard she retired. Well, she had that really sad interview. I don't remember what it was for, whether it was Nightline or one of those shows.

But, you know, where they they, you know, they made her feel bad about it. And, you know, and they asked her, you know, what happened to you? How did you become this porn star? And they kind of like go over her past and shit like that. And then at the end, she was like, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. And then they found out afterwards that she had done some more movies after she said that.

It was weird. It was like, you kind of wanted to root for her to get out of it, and then she's still in it. And it's like, you know, fucking not everybody can be a ballet instructor, OK. Some, some, some people are going to be porn stars. And by the time they're that age where they're going to be porn stars, man, the least of their problems is fucking on film. That's the least of their problems is that baseball bat in their ass. That's the least of their problems. The big problem is what,

what have you become that you're letting someone put a baseball bat in your ass? What has happened to you to get you to this point? It's not the bat itself. That's not the real issue. It's who, who, who are you? Like what kind of a strange person are you that you,

you know, you've got your asshole up in the air and there's a giant log in it, a big fucking bat. And then there's 2,800,000 hits of that. Yeah. But then you also think about it. If that only is bad, if you look, if you think it is bad.

You know, like, if I... I don't think that's good for anybody's asshole. If it's like, hey, I could put, yeah, I know, but if like, hey, I could put a baseball bat in my ass, that equals $20,000. Okay. Do you think they get paid that much? Because I don't think they do. No, I don't think they do either. I think it's a couple grand if they're lucky. And I think that might

have been during the heyday. You know, I think nowadays, I don't, you know, those girls were getting like half million dollar vivid deals you remember i remember hanging out with jenna jameson's husband and he was a producer and he was giving me the whole skinny on how much money there is in the porn industry and this dude you know he had all the numbers and i was like that is incredible like there was so much money and then the internet came along the internet just robbed them all sucked it all away and now i mean how the fuck do you make money now doing porn i think i think there's definitely still money there it's more of you just have to do more like i know a lot of these girls they'll do like you know like a spanking video and make 500 then they'll you

know do another video later that day where it's just them masturbating and they get a thousand you know so it's like then you think of it that way it's like all right you just made two thousand dollars today and is it for a website is that what it's yeah most of these are websites you know fetish websites or you know exchanging content i think that the the weirdest thing about knowing all these porn stars i think the saddest thing is not even what how they got into it or that they do it because i don't have a problem with it is that their future because a lot of them don't have it an idea yeah once that they do it because I don't have a problem with it is that their future because a lot of them don't have an idea yeah once that they're like athletes yeah they're like fighters I mean is that where you go to you know like a truck stopper is that really older woman then you're

just like wow she used to be a yeah you know playboy bunny well you know look this this avenue this internet avenue has opened up the door to the point where there's way way way more porn stars than there ever were back in the day. You know, and porn is so much more available. When I was a kid, there was, the way you got porn was magazines. When I was a kid, VHSs came out while I was in high school. I remember we got one. It was like a big deal at our house, you know, and my dad had a couple of, my stepfather

had a couple of porns laying around the house too. And I got to watch those too. And I was like, what the hell is this? To go from it never existed or every now and then you saw a magazine. And the weird thing about those magazines were they had rules. So you'd buy a porn magazine, but there was rules. And one of the rules was the man couldn't have a hard-on. Yeah.

They still have those rules. Really? Yeah, where they can't show insertion in certain magazines. But some magazines they can. Yeah. but back then it was all magazines back then there was no magazines that showed hard-ons right and i think i mean none that you could find and it was like you know you'd ask the guy at the counter if you were bold you know at the bookstore but you didn't really want to ask him like hey how come nobody's dicks hard what's going on here you know you don't really bring it up to him but there was always like these weird poses where they would be in like not just one,

but like 20 different poses. And in each one of them, the girl's like moaning like she's an exe. And the dude doesn't have a heart on. Right. Like in every one of them. It's like, what is the message that they're trying to send you? You know, what is the message that they're trying to send you? Is it that this is just how the universe works

and that women that are way hotter than you could ever possibly imagine will always wind up with gay guys and you're going to be alone by yourself jerking off onto pictures of them? Is that what it is? What is the message? Why can't they have hard-ons? They're naked and they're there. And then the surreality of it all comes into play

because you see all these 20 different scenes. You're like, this bitch is not giving up in every scene she's super enthusiastic she seems non-judgmental this guy can't get it up and she's doing everything for him she's posing she's got her ass up in the air she's lying on her back with her legs spread sucking on her fingers she's letting him pick her up and he's holding her by the ass and his dick's still limp it's still limp and this bitch is just there for him the whole way she's like super some way eventually he's holding her by the ass and his dick still limp. It's still limp. And this bitch is just there for him the whole way. She's like soup. It's some way eventually he's going to get a hard on.

I know it. I just keep posing for him. And so she's in all these weird poses and never loses interest. Never has the, you know, it should be like at least the 18th or 19th pose. She should be like, what the fuck?

Like what's going on? Like, why do you have my legs spread? And you know, you're laying your limp dick on my pelvis, right? You know, like, going on? Like, why do you have my legs spread and, you know, you're laying your limp dick on my pelvis? Right. You know, like a drowning victim just pulled ashore. You know, it's like slop.

I mean, that's what it's like. He's got his limp dick and he's laying it on her pelvis. Like, who is that for? Like, who doesn't want hard dicks? Like, who is there that's like, this is where we draw the line. You want to get all naked and crazy and pretend you're fucking so if you had to look at a dick it was either hard or limp you would pick hard all the time if i had to look at a dick it depends if i'm beating off the last thing you want to do is be beating off to a dude with a limp dick so you

would rather have hard dicks yeah because you can't even imagine that that would feel good. You'd feel like that the guy would be embarrassed and that it feels pointless. And she doesn't feel good because he's not even excited. And so there's a lot of like weird shit going on there. At least if the guy has an erection while he's feeling good, it feels good. And at least she's happy that she can give him an erection. It's a much more positive experience. Is it hotter for you if the dick is black or white? I can't really relate to black dicks. See, I always like black dicks. But I can relate to a black dick

if it's big, but then a little tiny micro white dick. Yeah, I'd rather have hard black dick fucking a girl because for some reason to me that's naughtier

or something like that. That's naughtier, really? Yeah, you take that big black dick. Really? Yeah. Really? So you find yourself saying that as you're doing the stroking motion?

I whisper it. You whisper it. Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. For real? It makes it more naughty to you? Yeah. It just seems like, oh, you're getting fucked for realsies. I remember some girl, for realsies, some girl came to the comedy store one night and she

gave us the rules of being a porn star. I think she was with Ron Jeremy. And she was like, you know, rule number one is don't fuck black guys until they pay you. You can't do it right away. Don't fuck them until they pay you. Rule number two is no anal for a long time. You've got to keep it to yourself.

I'm like, you have strategies on what you hold back when you do porn? Oh, yeah, honey, it's a business. Oh, yeah, honey, it's a business. Wow. Yeah, they strategize when to give up for the black dick. when you do porn? Oh yeah, honey, it's a business. Oh yeah, honey, it's a business. Wow. Yeah. They, they strategize when to give up for the black dick. You can't just right away start fucking black guys.

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, settle into that a little. Like some girls like, like Jenna Jameson never fucked a black guy. Well,

that's a big thing in porn. Once you go black, you're actually considered different. Really? If you did, it's like a weird. So why do girls, why do any girls do black guys?

Just, I mean, for their career, why do they do do any girls Do black guys Just I mean For their career Why do they do that? Maybe I don't know I don't know They're just easy Yeah

They just wanna fuck Black guys I guess Yeah maybe Maybe they don't care Maybe they're there For equal rights I guess but a lot of The porn buyers

Are southern And stuff like that And once you fuck a black guy I don't want that Stupid slut Please There's a disproportionate Amount of all interracial

Porn sold in the deep south Is that it? Yeah I used to do a stupid slut. Please. There's a disproportionate amount of all interracial porn sold in the deep south. Is that it? Yeah. I used to do a whole joke about that. That's right. Yeah. It's a true story. It's a true statistic. A disproportionate amount is sold. And it's not black guys buying that stuff. It's scared white guys going, look at that nigga fucking that white woman.

Oh man, I can't believe what he's doing right now. Oh yeah. Stop looking me in the eyes. Stop. Bitch. Yeah, I think that whole black-white thing eventually is going to go away. I think we're all going to be like one strange shade of gray, you know, one mocha, one something.

Mexican. We're all going to be Mexican. We're all going to be Mexican. Yeah. It's not. The black-white thing can't last. It only lasted back when people couldn't move to other places.

When you were stuck in China and everybody else was in China, well, you fed off the same gene pool and you produced Chinese people. But once the Africans got to Northern Africa and Egypt and things started getting weird and they took over Cairo and then they move into other places and then the Moors hit Sicily and then all these the spaniards come over on boats and fuck

the american indians and then eventually eventually we're going to be a world culture i just don't see how you can keep people from interbreeding for the next millennia i just don't see it happening i think in the next thousand years we're all going to be one shade you know they think that's what happened when neanderthals. Neanderthals got assimilated into the population. They used to think they went extinct. But now they think they sort of went extinct because women wouldn't fuck them. But men would fuck the women.

Human men would fuck Neanderthal women and make babies with them. But Neanderthal men were like, what the fuck? Nothing? Nothing? And they just got on the outs. That would be weird. What would that one final specie look like? Yeah.

Maybe that's the end of the world once you make Jesus. Well, it's probably going to look like aliens. Yeah. You know, I mean, you look at the gray alien, the model alien, this big, big head and, you know, sexless body and, you know, and no muscle tone. And that's probably the next stage. I mean, if you look at monkeys and then you look at us, what is the difference?

Well, our heads aren't, the monkeys have smaller heads, our heads are bigger, our muscles aren't as big, we're softer, we last longer, we have nutrition and information and all that stuff, but physically we're far weaker than the chimps. And then, well, them, they're going to be more weak than us with bigger heads. Their heads are going to be bigger. They're going to be more smooth and less muscular and sinewy because they're not going to need that. They're never going to be in combat.

You're never going to be fighting for their life against other bodies and trying to take down animals to eat them. They're moved way, way, way, way past that shit. other bodies and trying to take down animals to eat them. They're moved way, way, way, way past that shit. That's, I mean, the human-alien connection, you know, for a lot of people, they believe that what their alien image represents, whether it's real or imagined, what it represents is humans from the future. And that the eventual metamorphosis of the human animal, the morphing, the evolving, will ultimately lead to something like that. We look at inherently all our issues. Well, first of all, we have sexual issues. We have emotional issues. We have, you know, anger issues. We have all these things. Well, all the depictions

of the aliens, they've gone completely past all that shit. you eliminate all your sexual issues if you can reproduce, you know, outside of a male-female environment, if you're able to reproduce completely in laboratories or in, you know, petri dishes or whatever the fuck they're doing. You know, if the human animal moves past reproduction in a natural way, I mean, that might be, what if they found out that babies were 100% smarter and they lived twice as long and they were five times more resistant to diseases if you raised them in a test tube,

if everybody raised them outside of the womb in some new machine that someone created? Well, every woman would want that. Why would you want your kid to be stupid? Because you want to carry it around inside you, you selfish cunt? Put the baby in the machine. Right.

And so that's what they would do. And that's inevitable. They're going to eventually come up with something like that. The human body can only do so much. You know, the human body, they're already figuring out artificial parts. They already devise artificial hearts. They've come up with artificial leaves that make photosynthesis. They're going to have artificial wounds.

Artificial electricity, you know. Yeah. Those artificial trees. Yeah. So we're going to be able to make electricity. Yeah. We're going to be artificial wounds. Artificial electricity, you know? Yeah. From those artificial trees. Yeah. So we're going to be able to make electricity. Yeah, we're going to be able to make electricity. The solar power, there's another thing that I got from Transcendent, man,

the Ray Kurzweil documentary that I watched. Fucking awesome shit, man. But he talks about the upcoming advances in solar power. Solar power is going to be the shit, man. It's going to be driving cars, man. They're going to have solar-powered cars over the next 20, 30 years. It's all eventually is moving us towards the cars, man. They're going to have solar powered cars over the next 20, 30 years. It's all eventually is moving us towards the aliens, man. I mean, they really might be

the ideas of, I don't believe, I don't believe they exist or that they don't exist. I don't believe that, you know, people are really seeing flying saucers. And I don't believe that everything that people see is a government spacecraft. It was very possible that it could be something from another dimension or something from another world or something from some even hokey, ridiculous, cliche description from like a 1950s sci-fi movie. I'm not discounting the possibility of that. But I've looked at all these different people, all their stories, and it doesn't jive, man.

It doesn't jive to me. I have an awesome bullshit detector. I'm currently reading this John Mack book. John Mack was actually a professor at Harvard who started doing past life hypnotic regression shit with people, you know, hypnotic regression, not past life, but in their past, like abduction stuff. Because he was dealing with all these

different people that had very, very similar experiences where they were abducted, you know, repeatedly over many times in their life. But I'm looking at the work and I'm reading his stuff and I'm like, God, this is so embarrassing. It's like squirrely work. It's like this guy has, he's gone, he's made a conclusion in his mind already. And what he's doing in his work is not like, he's not exploring all the possibilities. He's kind of like pushing towards this conclusion. And the latest one that I'm reading is like, it's so sloppy because he's telling all these stories about all these people and all their depictions of their experiences. How about you tell me how crazy that person is on a one to ten? Ask me, what do they think about astrology? What do they think about tarot cards? What do they think about crystals or mind reading? What do they think about the Loch Ness Monster?

I want to know a lot of other shit about these people. I don't want to know about what their experience was like. First, when I was eight, I was alone in a cabin. I knew something was there with me. I saw the dark eyes in the corner of the room. Really? Were you on lithium? Were you crazy? Are you crazy at all? Is anyone else in your family crazy? Because there's a lot of crazy motherfuckers out there and they tell some crazy stories. And all you need to know about this whole UFO abduction experience, the one most important point is that it all happens at night.

The one most important point is that it all happens at night. Well, when the fuck are you dreaming? When the fuck do you have the most realistic, bizarre dreams? The other night I had some crazy fucking dream. I was on a dragon. I was reading from these scrolls that the words would light up on fire as you read them. So you could only read it once. I mean, this is bizarre.

Yeah, it's cool ass dream, but it was a fucking dream. All right. It was really obvious to me when I woke up like, wow, what a crazy ass dream. Well, what, what is a dream? Well, what a dream is, is your mind reaches a certain state in REM sleep where rapid eye movement takes place and all sorts of crazy chemicals, psychedelic chemicals start being produced by your body. And they all pass the blood-brain barrier. And you have all these nutty fucking experiences. And you and your cousin Mikey, and you're on sleds, and you're running from Godzilla. Like, what is that? Is that real sleds? Should we investigate whether there's sleds in space?

Whether Godzilla is real? No. No, you should say, when did this happen? Oh, I was sleeping. Oh, you were dreaming, right? Yeah, probably. When were you abducted by happen? Oh, I was sleeping. Oh, you were dreaming, right? Yeah, probably. When were you abducted by aliens? While I was in bed.

Do you think you were dreaming? No, it was so real. Oh, okay. Let's write a book on how real it was. And you've got to say, no, it was so real. Well, a lot of them, the interviews that they do with them are so telling. They're really fascinating. And not necessarily that the people are stupid.

And it's not even necessarily that they're lying. Because a lot of them, I don't think, are lying. I think what a lot of them are is, first of all, people live some boring ass fucking shitty lives. They're boring as fuck. And if something happens and all of a sudden that something gives your life meaning, like, oh my God. fuck. And if something happens and all of a sudden that something gives your life meaning, like, oh my God, instead of it being some sleep paralysis thing where your brain has this endogenous dump of psychedelic chemicals that are natural in the brain anyway, instead of that being the case, like, no, no, no, I have been visited and I have information that I have to give to

the people of the world. Well, you know, if you have a natural psychedelic experience or if you have a real psychedelic experience where if you have a real psychedelic experience where you take a drug and, you know, you're planning it out, either one is going to give you a very similar experience. And that experience is what you're doing is totally wrong. Everybody's fucked up. You need to get your shit together. How about an analysis of yourself, an analysis of life on the planet?

And let's look at this other than the way we're looking at it right now because this obviously isn't working. That's the theme to every mushroom trip, the theme to every acid trip, the theme to every time you eat a pot brownie, you want to reconstruct the whole thing and put it back together again in a way that's rational and that makes sense. You know, and this, this, this, this experience these people are having when they're, the aliens are telling them, well, we need to get your shit together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're high, dude. You're high. You're right. You're tripping. You're seeing things in the closet.

It's that simple. There's no evidence, man. There's no... All these people that are talking, oh, I got a nick on my shin. Look, this is where they pulled out the implant. Get the fuck out of here, crazy. Do you really think that aliens are going to leave little scars on you and they're going to pull them... You pinched yourself, you crazy fuck.

You pinched yourself and made your own scar, you nutty bitch. Not to mention that there's so much technology now that that people probably do kind of like pranky shit you know like i got these like helicopters that look like you know and that you know remote control helicopters and stuff like that and well there's also government stuff yeah so that guy in um philadelphia the other day thank you whoever you are some guy came to the show and handed the manager a book. And the book got to me. And it's all patents on aircrafts that the government has, like U.S. patents for experimental aircrafts. Oh, very cool.

It's fucking nuts, man. They're these crazy-looking Klingon-looking ships and UFO-looking things. What's the book called? That sounds new. It's not a book. Oh, he just gave you. He put it together. Yeah, he put it together. It was pretty dope. What's the book called? That sounds new. It's not a book. Oh, he just gave you. He put it together. Yeah, he put it together.

It was pretty dope. That's pretty sweet. Yeah. And so, you know, I mean, you just look at the things that the government has and has admitted to designing and creating. I mean, this is like a fucking, a giant amount of them, man.

When we were doing Fear Factor, we were out at Edwards Air Force Base, near Edwards Air Force Base. I think it was Edwards. It's out like near, we were in Palmdale, whatever the Air Force Base is out there. It's a big one. And I think it's Edwards. And they were flying stealth bombers. And dude, that is some crazy shit. This was the beginning of the Iraq war. It's like 2002. And they fly those things overhead, dude. You swear to God, you swear to God you're in Star Wars, man. You swear to God, you're like like that is that is some shit from the death star when you watch that thing fly overhead they don't make

much noise and they look like fucking alien spacecrafts it's dope like you look at them like that is a fucking stealth bomber you can't see that thing with radar man that's that's something designed to sneak up on you and fuck you from the sky and you can't even see it coming and it's black like the sky so like you look up you see it coming. And it's black like the sky. So like you look up, you see just blackness and it's black too. You're fucked. Yeah.

You're fucked. Shit's badass. Yeah. It's, you know, it's all designed for killing people. Who do you want on the podcast in the future?

What is your dream people to get on? I know, isn't Adam Carolla coming? Yeah. Adam's coming next week. He's going to be here on the 26th. Adam Carolla will be there. So that,

what is that? Seven days from today? Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, Adam's going to be on the uh 26th adam crow will be there so that what is that seven days from today yeah something like that yeah yeah um but yeah adam's gonna be on you know what man the my dream has already been uh not just reached but surpassed i when we first started doing this when you and i first started doing this in episode one we were just fucking around man we're just sitting in front of the computer and we just thought it'd be fun to have like some little kind of silly show that we would do for people that were on the message board.

That's mostly what it was, and people on Twitter. But now it's become like a radio show. Now it's become this way to tell people about shows that we never had before. It used to be you would go on a radio show and you would hope that some of the people

that were listening were your fans or hope that you could say something funny enough to convince them. On the radio, it's in the morning. You're fucking half awake. It's random people listening. It's random people listening and who knows if you're even going to jive with the DJs. There's a radio station in Houston that apparently is

still mad at me for being on their radio show back in I guess it was like Fear Factor days like 2002 or 2003. And they apparently still talk shit about me. About what? They had me on and I remember they wanted me, and I was probably tired. And if I came off rude, I didn't mean to.

But they wanted me to eat some stuff. First of all, they wanted me to eat some big hamburger they had. And I'm like, no, no, thank you. Like, I kind of like, I watch what I eat. And also in the morning, I have hypothyroidism. So I take a thyroid medication and when i take it i can't eat anything for like an hour and so i was on this radio show and they're trying to get me to eat this stupid thing they made in an easy bake oven i was there

i actually filmed that did you yeah those people are mad at me are you still mad they still talk shit about me like i'm the worst person they've ever had on their show and i didn't even know that i didn't even know they had an issue until i left and apparently they were talking about me when I wasn't there. When I was there, they were nice as pie to me. But then when I left, they started talking like, what a guy was so rude. They had a gag, and I wasn't into their gag. And I didn't go with it.

It was stupid shit. It is stupid. And you know what? They're not comedians, man. And maybe they're not on my vibe, not on my frequency. They're on their own frequency. And they thought it'd be fun. They thought it'd be cool if I played along. But I didn't want to eat their thing and they didn't

adjust. They didn't adjust. So then I'm like, why the fuck am I doing this? And then it's like, look, when you, when you do radio stations, there's a lot of different kinds of radio DJs. Some of them are really cool and easy to do and easy to do their shows and other ones, they want more attention than you. And they're a little squirrely and they don't like the fact that you're on TV and they're on the radio. And they get to be cunty. You know, they get to be weird. And they're looking for something to be wrong with you.

So if you're coming from some fucking television show and you want to eat their stupid Easy Bake Oven thing, you become an asshole. Instead of, if that was me and I had a guest and I'm like, come on, eat the Easy Bake Oven. And he won't do it. Oh, I'd be like, what kind of an idiot am I? Yeah. I'm getting this guy to eat something.

This is all I've planned for this fucking thing. I could be asking him a million interesting questions. We could be talking about all kinds of crazy stuff. But instead, I'm pissed that he won't eat my fucking tuna casserole out of a fucking Easy-Bake oven. So these people apparently are still upset at me. Well, you used to have to deal with those kind of people in the past. Now that doesn't mean anything anymore.

Every show that I do now, I do nothing for. No press. I mean, I did Prestston and steve i called up uh for philly but it was after the shows were already sold out but i did it because i like them because they're cool guys but like when we do these shows now we have our own radio station we have our own our own ability to promote the shows and probably more listeners than ever than compared to that radio station that hates you yeah well that Well, that and it's all 100% your fans. I hate that word.

All 100% people who appreciate your work. Right. So they already are enjoying what you do. They already enjoy your podcast. They're already there for you. They like you. And so they want to come to the shows as opposed to doing a radio show

and trying to get people out there to listen and like you. And that's why people like those people, these mediocre folks in Houston, that's why they have power. Their only power was that they're the ones who get to talk on this radio show. I mean, they have no talent. There's nothing going on there.

They're just talking people. They're just dum-dums, and then they play music. They sort of hijack your attention span for a few minutes while you wait for the next cool song to start playing. And they're just sitting there reading your Wikipedia page most of the time. So, Joe Rogan, I heard that you – That wouldn't even be a problem for me. It's just don't – I just don't know why they're still upset at me because apparently this is some recent interview.

Oh, really? I didn't even know about it. I don't even know who they are. I don't even know where Station is. I don't care. It's there. Look, if it's all these years and you're still upset that I wouldn't eat your thing, that's on you. That's on you, 100%. I didn't do anything to you. I didn you're still upset that I wouldn't eat your thing, that's on you. That's on you. 100%.

I didn't do anything to you. I didn't break your window. I didn't light your bathroom on fire. You know, if I just didn't eat your thing, that's on you. It's the whole world is filled with different kinds of people, man. And if you try to make everybody happy, you will fucking go crazy. I know when I've been a douchebag in my past. I know when I've done things where I could have made this go smoother.

I could have just, this isn't one of those things. This is just stupidity. And I didn't want to deal with stupidity. You're going to Texas soon, aren't you? Like August or something like that? Are you going to go back to? Yeah, I'm going to Houston. I think August. August. I can't wait. That'd be fun. Yeah. I'm doing a September again in Austin too Oh, really? Yeah. That's always a good time. Yeah, and plus, now, it looks like I'm recording the special in June. So if that happens, then I'll have to have all new shit by the time September rolls around. So I've got a lot of work to do. Right.

That's exciting, man. I've been writing a lot lately, man, because I'm trying to finish this book. I've been writing like crazy, man. Writing is so fucking satisfying. It might be one of my favorite things to do. I love the idea that you just sit in front of that computer and these ideas just start dancing in your head. They start dancing. They start arranging themselves on paper.

And then sometimes when an idea will come out and then another idea will follow it and I'll like step back, I step back and look and I'm like, wow, it's this crazy thing that just like happened through me, you know, this crazy idea that, you know, just happened through me. And then it all like puts itself onto paper. And then the next thing you know, there's a hundred pages. Next thing you know, there's 200 pages. It's like, wow, it's such a fascinating process, man. The creative process of actually sitting down and writing. It's amazing, man. it's such a fascinating process, man. The creative process of actually sitting down and writing. It's amazing, man. I tried last night.

I was going to write just for like an hour and then get in the tank. But sometimes every now and then you tap into a vein and you've got to stay there. You can't go anywhere. And I just had one idea that I needed to write down before I went in the tank. And as I was writing that idea down, something about writing, like say if you're thinking about a word, like if you're writing the word experience, it takes longer to write that word

than it is to think of the concept of experience. So it allows you to deeply consider everything that you're saying. And then oftentimes, like when you're writing, I can seem so much smarter writing than I ever could just talking. You think? Yeah.

I mean, you talk very like smart. Yeah, but I'm way smarter writing than I am talking. It's because you can consider everything much more. You know, you get a chance to look at it. You know, you really get to know someone like, and that's another beautiful thing about this podcast. You get to know someone when you're talking to them for a long time. you get to know like how their brain works you know like you could write things out like that's what that always used to drive me crazy about presidential speeches and shit like that that they have people writing them for them that is so fucked up it's just time right because they have to give like a speech like every

fucking day almost can't you just speak from the heart yeah but but there's probably things they have to just touch on they're probably not like writers like this is what you have to say it's more like taking your ideas and making in a speech form because i i mean they literally have to do like probably two or three speeches a day if you look at obama's like really does he do two or three yeah they're always going to colleges or talking here with representatives you know they're always doing speeches if you look at his schedule like there was that one time where they followed him around for a week i forget what program did it and it was just like his schedule was pretty much from when he wake up

uh just going from one place to another giving a speech giving a speech giving a speech either way write your own speeches bitch i think he does actually and one of his uh most famous speeches is one that he wrote, one of the ones when he was running for office. He's a smart guy and he's a very good speech writer. But the whole idea of having a speech written out for you by a bunch of other people is kind of offensive to me. It's like, what the fuck are you doing being the leader if you've got all these people telling you exactly what to say? And you're following all these charts and graphs and this is what the people want and so let's give them this and this is sort of in the middle and we'll lower their expectations

expectations with that and then they'll hit them we'll hit them with this to make them happy it's just it's like so obvious that we're being played you know that's what drives me nuts about speech writing about the idea of it so it's just like they're not even trying to pretend that you know they're not playing you they don't even trying to pretend that, you know, they're not playing you. They're not even trying to pretend that this guy wrote this shit himself. Yeah. You know, he's just up there

reading off a fucking teleprompter and you're just going, yay! And nothing changes. Yeah. I could never do that. I could never do speeches

or anything like that. You could, if you wanted to give speeches on podcasting or speeches on something that you know a lot about. Like, if you want to give speeches

on how to be a good video editor, you could do that. You could easily do, like, a seminar on video editing. You know, if you ever wanted to, like a lot about, like if you want to give speeches on how to be a good video editor, you could do that. You could easily do like a seminar on video editing. You know, if you ever wanted to, like if people were into your internet videos and you could come up with a bunch of bulletin points of things that you need to consider,

like, hey, brevity, you know, you want to make it under 10 minutes. You want this, you want that. You know, this is my best video and this is why. And the good thing about this video is it starts off in one point and then it goes back in time then it brings you forward again you know and then you can you could you know you could easily do something like that anything that you're into man you could teach other people how to do it did you hear that flip video is no more what cisco bought flip video and

they axed him they killed it yeah i always thought for some reason flip video was very successful when a big moneymaker. It seems like everybody's got Flip Video. I see a lot of them. I know Norton had it. When Norton was at Austin, he taped all his sets with that shit. Yeah, they killed it for some reason. Is it so good?

Is it a big deal? Well, I mean, it's just kind of weird that they did that. You would have never found out about that 20 years ago. Yeah. It just would have died. Unless you were reading the technology page of the New York Times, you know? Right. How the fuck would you have ever known? Yeah.

You know, now you get like an email alert from CNN to tell you that Flip Video has been eaten up by Cisco. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Weird. You know who Scott Adams is? The guy who created Dilbert? Uh-huh.

He got busted going online, defending himself under a fake name. Are you serious? Yeah. Is that like the weakest shit ever? How did he get busted? And then, I don't know, he got busted going online defending himself under a fake name are you serious yeah is that like the weakest shit ever how did he get busted i don't know he got busted and then he um he like wrote something about it admitting it and uh it's he this is what he wrote uh according to wise and fair denizens of the internet this is after he's been busted according to the wise and fair denizens of the internet, this is after he's been busted. According to the wise and fair denizens of the internet, this behavior is proof that I am a thin-skinned troll, asshole, dick, fame whore, egomaniac, douche nozzle, misogynist. That list might sound bad to you, but keep in mind that I was starting from a pretty low base, so I think my reputation is trending up.

That's pretty funny. Wow. Yeah. It's in the OC Weekly. If you guys want to read it it's kind of interesting because they're you know they're like wow this so he what he did was he logged online um and he he did uh under the name planned chaos and he pretended to be the only person in the world who doesn't hate him. Because I guess he's been getting in trouble lately. I don't remember what it was. I don't remember what

exactly he said. He said some things that people thought were questionable. And so people were shitting all over him. I met him. He was on an episode of News Radio. Really? Yeah. That goes to show you how old Dilbert is. Dilbert's been around forever, man. I never got into Dilbert, really. It's Yeah. That goes to show you how old Dilbert is. Dilbert's been around forever, man.

I never got into Dilbert, really. It's terrible. Those cartoons are like the lowest expectation ever for humor and for entertainment value. Yeah. It's amazing that they can make so much money. Like, I used to read Doonesbury, and I remember Doonesbury was the smart one, man. It was really smart. The only time

to me it was even remotely interesting was when they had Raoul. Raoul Duke. It was the Hunter S. Thompson character who would come in with guns and start shooting shit up. And it was like Hunter S. Thompson's, they kind of like, he has his character Raoul Duke from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The novel is sort of based on, very loosely on him and his friend Oscar and the crazy shit they did when they were on drugs in Vegas. Right. And this guy from Doonesbury just sort of co-opted that character, sort of stole it,

stole his intellectual property and started using it as characters inside of his Doonesbury comic. I thought that was kind of cool. That was kind of funny that he did that. It was of those were fun but other than that like most of it was like really like nothing it's like the jokes were like whew like you ever read like marmaduke or something like that or beetle bailey how is that shit still even impossible you know bailey's still around yeah i think so i think i i i don't know i don't fuck yeah who would cry if the cartoon section i remember when I was a kid though I used to like the cartoon section

I used to like Farside That was fucking Brilliant shit And then they just Kind of went away I was a Garfield guy Growing up obviously

So Garfield and Farside Were my two Calvin and Hobbes Pretty So you do like cartoons I do But then you get Those ones like

Whatever that fucking Kathy Or Ziggy Oh yeah Fucking There's some that don't Make any sense And you have to wonder How those people Keep their jobs So then you get those ones like whatever that fucking Kathy or Ziggy. Oh, yeah. Fucking. There's some that don't make any sense. And you have to wonder how those people keep their jobs. Is it like some sort of a government job where you can't get fired?

Yeah. Or that Prince Valiant or whatever that one that was like. Prince Valiant. Remember that one? What was that one where it's like all medieval knights and shit? Yeah. I always tried to get into that one, but I could never fucking do it. They're the worst, man.

Yeah. They're the worst. Is there Yeah. They're the worst. Is there anything worse than fucking stupid cartoons? There's no lower standard. Have you ever read a cartoon and laughed? No. Like, holy shit, that's funny. Well, Farsight.

Farsight, definitely. Really? Yeah, Farsight. You never read any of the Farsight? I never got into it, man. I think, like stand-up comics, some cartoons are so bad they turn you off to other cartoons.

Wow. I've talked to people that have been to shitty comedy shows and they're like, nah, I'm not really into live comedy. Like, whoa, you're not into live comedy. Okay, what are you talking about? Have you ever gone to see Louis C.K.?

Okay, go see Louis C.K. and then tell me if you're into live comedy because you might not be into some douchebags at the Chuckle Hut that are telling nonsense jokes, but go to see Chris Rock. Go to see Dave Chappelle. Go to see a real comic. You're going to love comedy, man. Don't get crazy.

You go see Joey Diaz, and if you don't laugh, you don't have a fucking pulse. There's something wrong with you. You're not enjoying that? Joey destroyed all weekend in in philadelphia he's so fun to have around man no one makes me laugh more than that guy he's so fucking fun to have around but as we were saying before he gets wired he gets angry at you yeah i'm just reading these facts that were on dig.com today facts about masturbation and that's going through that that male kangaroos have been known to give themselves blowjobs.

And female porcupines have been witnessed using wooden sticks as dildos. What? Can you imagine watching an animal check off? Wooden sticks? Dinosaurs have dicks, right? Right? Yeah. Can you imagine how big that dick is?

And then like if a dinosaur fucking cummed, like how much cum that would be? If a dinosaur cummed? Are you 12, bro? No, I was just thinking that the other day. If a dinosaur cummed. How big would the load be if a dinosaur cummed? Yeah. And here's another fact.

What? 30% of suicides by males age of 12 through 20 are attributed to auto erotic asphyxiation? No. What is that? On wikipedia man i don't know oh here's a flesh auto erotic asphyxiation yeah from 12 to 20 that's silly that's insane you know here's a fucking interesting statistic that's real 70 of all pornography gets watched during

nine to five hours really yeah 12 of a porno film is watched at a hotel room on average. That makes sense. But 70% being during the internet or downloaded from the internet while you're at work, 9 to 5. How many people are watching this podcast or listening to this podcast at work? A lot. How many people are masturbating while listening to this podcast? Two people right now, and only one's hard. One of them is crying and struggling, trying to make shit happen.

There's too much porn, I think, at this point. It's almost like it's too easy to beat off. It's all out there. It's almost unavoidable. It used to be hard as hell to get some pornography. When I was a kid, we were talking talking about earlier, about magazines, man. You got magazines, man. You had to go to a liquor store and ask for the back shelf.

Nowadays, man, it's so fucking easy to get pornography. Nowadays, you could just specialize on one particular type of pornography. You could be like a weirdo foot guy. You only want foot jobs. Girls jacking guys off with their feet.

And you could fucking stack monitors to the top of your room like a movie screen, 50 feet high. And every one of them has got a different video of a girl jerking a guy off with her feet. And you would die of old age before you watched all of them. There's this shit that I was reading about where guys who go to graveyards after they bury somebody recently. Like the next day after they bury somebody and they dig them up and fuck them. Oh, God. They check the obituaries and find a young teen. Where was this happening?

It was on the internet. I read it. I've heard of people doing it. There was an old Kinison bit. People doing it in a mortician's office, the mortuary. Remember that bit? I could see that happening. Dude, that bit is what got me into Kinison.

Really? I've told this story before, but in the interest of brevity, a girl that I was working with did the bit for me because she was telling me how funny he was. And she was lying on her stomach in the parking lot going, oh, oh, you mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even after you're dead? It never ends. And I remember thinking like, wow, what is this guy like? This guy must be the funniest guy ever. And then I got a hold of his HBO special and I got a chance to see it. That's what, that was probably the one moment when I was 19 years old with that girl on her stomach in the

parking lot telling me that joke. That was one of the few moments in my life where a spark went off in my head like, wow, maybe I should do that. Maybe I should be a fucking comedian. When I was 19, I had no idea what the hell was going to happen in my future. I didn't know what I was going to do. But I was already starting to think

maybe I have to find something. Maybe it's not martial arts. I have to find something else to do. Maybe it was this. This fucking guy's on his stomach pretending to get fucked in the ass like there was nothing like that back then man but i think his joke was based on a true story that was in la some some people got arrested for paying the morticians to spend a few hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses oh god

oh god yeah i think if i was a mortician and I think if you get a hot chick, that there'd be sometimes you're sitting in this basement by yourself. You'd be like, I'm definitely going to touch this video. This video's online. This photo's online of guys fucking dead bodies. I don't think I could fuck it. There's a photo online of a guy with this, I don't know if it's still up. This is years ago.

This was in the late 90 90s early 2000s and it was a whole sequence of photos from start to finish of this woman being on the slab she's clearly dead you know and then you know him uh put putting his penis inside of her i've seen that yeah and it's like whoa dude you know he didn't just take these photos of someone's daughter and someone's sister, someone's wife. He fucked her and took pictures of it and then put it online. You know, it's some fucking crazy shit, man. I wonder how many people who get into,

um, like what the, what the number is, how many people get into being a mortician or being, how many of them are for the sex? Yeah. How many are fucking around with bodies? I'm sure it's very high,

man. I'm never surprised at the things I hear. How many of them are fucking around with bodies? I'm sure it's very high, man. I'm never surprised at the things I hear. And I think if you were into fucking dead bodies, that would be the number one thing to do. How good is the meat in the dead body? Is it solid as a rock? I'm sure it's juicier. You know what I'm saying? I mean, is rigor mortis set in?

Can they fix that? Is there a way that they can have rigor mortis not set in? Like what happens when they embalm them? Don't they pump out all the – what is rigor mortis? What does that come from? That's where the – yeah. Do you know what it comes from? I think that's when you die, the body just stiffens up,

but I don't think it's immediate. You pick up a squirrel off the road. Yeah. I don't think it's immediate. I don't think it's immediate. I think it takes a few hours. Oh. Yeah.

So maybe if you get the person right after they die, they'd be still pliable. Yeah. But don't you like when you die you also you just automatically piss and shit yourself and all that crap just clean them up man if you're gonna fuck a dead body you can't have high standards so that's kind of have to warm them up maybe get some lamps or a heated blanket and let them sit in there for a while or something like that put them in a warm tub not warm enough to cook them oh Oh, God. You know, the cool thing is

that you could just pretty much fucking rip skin if you wanted to fuck that ass really hard. You just fucking start ripping it. You never have to worry about her getting hurt, right? Yeah. That's true. I guess you could think about it that way.

She's a gagger. She's going right through the back of her throat. Something about disrespecting dead bodies it's particularly offensive yeah particularly unsavory you know the idea of disrespecting someone's body their vessel while they're gone you know it's so like it's so inhuman you know there's something about it that's like it's very creepy right yeah one of the creepiest things that i'm eating it. Oh, God. Eating someone's body

after they're dead. Yeah. I was listening to Casey Kasem. They were... He's still around? I don't know if he's still around.

They had him on the radio, though. He might be dead, but they had... They were playing ones from the 1970s. I was in Philly, and Philly has this one

badass radio station. I tweeted it. I don't remember the name of it. It's like W-O-G-L. W-G-O-L. And it was all like one badass song. It would be like Pink Floyd, and then it would be Michael Jackson, and then it would be like Sam Cooke.

I mean, it was like some serious fucking jams, one after the other, and it was at this pool hall that we were playing at. And they played like repeats of like the uh countdown show and i forgot like casey casem with the count wow and he would uh you just pulled that out i don't know first time i've ever done that too that was awesome here we go this this request comes now don't hey scooby come over here casey Kasem with the countdown. I can't even do it. If I heard him, I can do it.

Do you know he was shaggy? Really? Yeah, in Scooby-Doo. Oh, yeah, I did know that. Zonks? Zoinks? But he was... One of the songs, apparently, was about cannibalism.

And I don't know the song, but it was about some people that... It was like the Donner song but it was about some people that it was like the donner party it was about like you know some people that you know the donner party story they were headed to the west coast and they got stuck in the mountains of colorado and they ran out of food and they some people died and they ate the dead bodies to stay alive trey parker made a film about it did he really yeah cannibal the musical what's it cannibal the musical yeah it's his first movie he made in college with matt stone it's fucking brilliant that's really funny because they're from colorado too yeah yeah i fucking love it it's it's a brilliant movie cannibal the musical yeah okay i'll have to check

yeah amazon that shit but casey casem was going off casey casem about this sometimes you have to make decisions and it was like the decision was like we like stopped playing we're like what the fuck is it like you have to make a decision between eating the body or dying yourself and we're like what the fuck wow what what a weird you know top 40 or whatever the fuck it was or you know the song is maybe i mean i think it was a request you know i only like tuned into it halfway while he was saying it. But, you know, it was one of the weird things. This next song deals with cannibalism.

And I was like, what? Like, how many times in history have people had to eat people to stay alive? There's only, like, a few recorded instances, right? There's a soccer team that crashed in a plane crash, and they made that movie about them. Remember? Yeah, what was that, Alive? Yeah, they were spooning that guy's ass out crash, and they made that movie about them. Remember? Yeah, what was that? Alive?

Yeah, they're spooning that guy's ass out. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. The frozen ass meat with a spoon. That was a freaky ass movie, man, when that airplane broke apart. Yeah. Yeah. Tubes made out of metal aren't really meant to fly through the fucking sky.

Yeah. You know what was sticking the other day is what happened to all those Lost people? You notice how all those actors from lost were such a high in their career and now do you see any of them they burnt off you don't want to have anything to do with them jack was pissing me off man i know after a while man he really annoyed the shit out of me man he drove me nuts he was so phoning it in at the end when they were all standing around that tub and someone comes back to life like this motherfucker is just phoning it in, man. That is ridiculous.

He's so mad about that. Yeah, he drove me nuts because he wasn't appreciating his fucking part. He started off that series as a winner. Jack was the fucking hero. He was the man. He was the doctor. He was handsome. All the girls loved him.

And by the end, he was a junkie and a loser. And what they did was, I guarantee you that guy's annoying. I guarantee you that actor is annoying, and they're like, fuck this guy, like, let's start making him a douchebag, and start slowly, like, making him more and more annoying. Yeah. Fuck yeah, they must have done that. Because if he was so cool, everybody else sort of, like, kept their thing, or became more cool as the show went on

you know like the really hot girl with no ass what's her name the really pretty one with the dark hair what the fuck is her name Kate

Kate yeah she sort of became cooler as time went on got her shit together you know raised that girl's baby you know she had like a lot of

good positive attributes John Locke became like mysterious and sort of magical and sort of figured out the world. Jack just became a junkie. Just became a fucking loser, man. He just slowly fell apart.

There's a reason for that. If you saw the last episode, you'd know. Fuck that last episode. It can suck my dick. I ain't fucking with that, man. I can't believe you watch that much. There's some freedom in walking away for it, man. You watch so much of it that you might as well see what happens. There's some freedom in just saying, no, you don't believe you watch that much. There's some freedom in walking away from it, man. Yeah, but you watch so much of it that you might as well see what happens.

There's some freedom in just saying, no, you don't have me anymore. You fucks. You can't own me, bitch. I'm not your whore. I'm not tuning in every week to watch your stupid commercials just so you can trick me with your silly storyline. I don't even watch TV anymore, it seems like. Well, once you start fucking throwing in time travel and shit like they did, now we're in 1970. All right. You don't even watch TV anymore, it seems like. Well, once you start fucking throwing in time travel

and shit like they did, now we're in 1970. Alright. You don't even know what happened. You fucks. You can do anything you want, you fucks. There's a reason why. Yeah. Do you want to know? I can tell you now. Would you like to know? Nope. I don't want to know. You don't want to know the end? I love that you want me to know and that I don't want to know. I love that. There's freedom in that, man.

Alright. He was a girl the whole time. He was a girl? Oh, good. Good. He seemed like a girl. He was a girl the whole time he was a girl oh good good he seemed like a girl he was kate seemed like he was on his period for 10 years fucking twat um anything else before we before we get going there was some questions on the the rogan board that i'm perusing through and some of them we've actually already answered. And some of them, here's like one, what are your thoughts on listeners supporting the podcast financially? It's not necessary. The podcast, as I said, is a great method for me to promote shows and promote all the other stuff that we do. And we get sponsorships. The more you guys listen, the more

we get sponsors. I mean, we just have this fleshlight right now, but that's mostly because we're going to be moving to Sirius very soon. Both, obviously, we will still be live and free on the internet. It's still be on iTunes for free. It's still be available for download on the website for free, but it'll also be on Sirius satellite radio, just so more people can listen to it. And just, you know, I like Sirius. I have it in my car. It's, it's, it's an awesome service. And I think it's just another avenue for us to get heard. And we're not even getting paid for it. The same thing is like Stitcher. I'm for all of those things.

And the more of these things that we do, the more it... I've never had this many people come to my shows. I've never had... I mean, it's obvious that this is a good thing. It's obvious that there's a benefit for me in that and the promotional aspect of it. And there's a benefit in people that they get this free entertainment, man. And it's a benefit for us, too. Over the course of the year or so that we've been doing this, one of the coolest things that really made me appreciate, I was bummed out when I had to come back here from Colorado.

I have this idea of raising my kids in a place where it's a little more calm. There's less people. There's less of the pressures of Hollywood. There's sort of the bullshit materialism of this area, this part of the country. It's a silly part of the country. There's a lot of cool people here, but it's also a very silly part of the country. So I was bummed out, man, when the dog got eaten by the mountain lion and when Mrs. Rogan got pregnant and we had to come back.

To me, it was like, fuck, I was gone. I made it out of this place. I had escaped, and we had to come back. I mean, it was to me, it was like, fuck, I was gone. I made it out of this place. I was, I was, I had escaped and now I'm back again. But what really like made me appreciate this place was this podcast and was having all these cool people come over all the time, having Ari over, having Eddie over, having Joey over, having Bert Kreischer and Russell Peters and Tom Green. I'm like, you know, I sit back and I go, God, this is so much fucking fun. You know, somehow or another, we have like a real, legit national radio show. And not even national, man, worldwide. Because we had a fuckload of podcast fans in Australia.

That's on the other side of the fucking planet. And when I asked them about the podcast, they went nuts. So it's a worldwide sort of a thing, man. And who the fuck knew when we did this that it would be what it is now? Who knew that every week would be in the top five of iTunes? Who the fuck? We had no idea. It was completely by chance. And slowly along the line, it's morphed. And slowly along the line it's morphed and slowly along the line it's evolved and slowly along the line it's become you know like something it's it's it is itself now you know what i mean like now we don't think about how to do it like we came over here like brian came over here today

and we didn't even have to talk about when we talked about just normal shit like we always do but we this is our 100th episode man it's a big deal but we're like but we should do it we were like well we should do it together yeah let's just do you and me for the 100th and then that was the all the thing we had to talk about it's like it is its own thing you know it is it's got its own life to it now and all the people that send me emails man and all the twitter messages and all the the people that i meet in the comedy clubs i appreciate the fuck out of that i think it is one of my biggest accomplishments in my career is this podcast and that message board and both of those things. And the whole internet group of bringing all these cool people together and the positive

energy that I get from all these people at shows and the positive reactions that I get. So many people coming up to me and telling me that this podcast helps them think differently. It changes the way they look at life. It changes the way they view their friends. It changes the way they view how they interact with other people. You know, I couldn't be happier, man. I couldn't be happier that we did this. And this wouldn't have happened if I didn't give in and come back from Colorado.

If I decided to stay in Colorado, we would have never have done this. What about the idea of getting a female sidekick? A female sidekick? A whole? A whole? A little Robin Quivers? Mrs. Rogan's not really down with that.

Oh, did you hear that? He slurped his coffee again. That fuck. Spilling it all over your car. Yeah, if you hear slurping, man, that's me. Blame me. Yeah, you know,

Adam Carolla had a really funny girl on his show. He had Teresa Strasser for a while, and she was really funny, and now he's got this new chick, and a lot funny girl on his show he had theresa strasser for a while and she was really funny and now he's got this new chick and a lot of people on the rogan board didn't like her but i thought she was funny man she made me laugh the crazy thing about that is they he auditioned a few girls like esther little esther went there oh that's how this girl got it yeah and i guess but what's crazy is like if you go to his website and look at all the comments per episode every single one of the uh girls that

he did like all hate like his his audience hates so bad that girl on any girl that's on his show i feel so bad or brody stevens those so the girls and brody who is the new girl uh you know i i think her name's like uh is it jesse or something like that i don't know i'm looking for it i'm to look it right now because I feel rude that we're talking about our own, not bringing her name up. Yeah, that's going to be cool to have Adam Krola on. Yeah, he's going to be on this next week, next Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah. And your formula that you've been working with on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, it's almost done.

It's on its way. Did you read the case study? Yeah. That's pretty interesting. It's on its way. Did you read the case study? That's pretty interesting. Yeah. A lot of people... Look, I've been taking 5-HTP and I've had some pretty powerful results. I feel like it makes sentences form easier. I feel like there's more circulation in my brain or something. I don't know what it is, but 5-HTP has given me a very tangible benefit. There's some other stuff that I took that gave me some good benefits as well. But what we did, what Chris did, with this nootropic formula, it's called like alpha brainwave nootropic formula,

that's what I call it. What we did was take all of the best nootropics, which are nutrients for the brain, and condense them into, I think it's like two pills. And all these people, the case studies, had some really positive experiences with it. I'm excited. It's all legit stuff.

It's all stuff that people have reported actually helps brain function. We're going to combine it into one thing. And I think nutrition and mental nutrition and physical nutrition, all of it, is one of the most underlooked keys to happiness for people. I mean, we have a friend that got on antidepressants and this motherfucker eats Cheetos every night and never works out. And I was like, yo, dude, you know, if you took care of that body, I guarantee you, you would feel a little bit better. I mean, you, you, I mean, I'm not saying you don't have an issue that maybe needs to be corrected chemically.

Cause I'm not, I'm not inside your head, but I know for a fact, my own brain, if I didn't work out, I would not be nearly as happy. I would have all this extra pent up shit. You got to get that out, man. And you got to treat this fucking vehicle good. Give this vehicle vitamins, man. I drink fresh squeezed juices every morning. Every morning when I'm at home, I squeeze.

I get ginger and raw garlic and carrots and celery. And I blend it all together. And you feel so fucking good. You're getting all those raw nutrients in your body. And your body, you know, people that I know, I have a lot of friends who are very, very smart, but they almost think that there's something vain and trivial and foolish about taking care of your body. You know, they smoke cigarettes or they, you know, they, they, they eat shitty food and, you know, and they never exercise. They never take care of themselves. Like, man, you're missing out on a big chunk of life.

It's annoying. It's annoying to have to go to the gym. That's why it's good to learn a martial art or it's good to pick up a sport or racquetball or something where you're forced to move around, where it's fun, it's part of the whole game. But find some way. Find some way to take care of your fucking body.

Find some fucking way, man. Take some fucking vitamins, even if it's just multivitamins and fish oil, even if it's just that. That will make your fucking body. Find some fucking way, man. Take some fucking vitamins. Even if it's just multivitamins and fish oil. Even if it's just that. That will make a fucking difference. And so many people don't, man. So many people just ride it out and they just hope it all is going to fucking stay together. I switched my 5-HTP to Chris's brand, which is called Roll On or Roll Over.

I can't remember which one it is. It's the blue bottle. Yeah. And it's great, too. It's 175 milligrams, I think it was. Do you feel a difference after taking 5-HTP i've been i've been taking it for over a month and that and the resveratrol i think are two of the best things i have to i take i mean i take fish oil in a multi multi vitamin every day but i think those two are the things that i've noticed the biggest from how much do you think cigarettes fuck with you

oh a lot definitely yeah yeah does it bother you though that you're doing that you're poisoning Those two are the things that I've noticed the biggest from. How much do you think cigarettes fuck with you? Oh, a lot. Definitely. Yeah? Yeah. Does it bother you, though, that you're doing that? That you're poisoning yourself with cigarettes? Because I've seen you before, dude.

There's times that I've seen you when you're smoking a lot, where you take on, like, you have a gray quality to your face. It's almost like... Yeah, I say that. I'm serious, man. Yeah. When you quit, your face became pinker. You know what that is? Is that I have a gray beard.

No, it's not what it is. If I i shave it's gray for the first three days no man i mean um i mean like your eyes like around your eyes like you there's something about smoking something about a lot of that cigarette smoke in your system where like your whole system looks like yeah you know it looks like your whole system is being poisoned slowly well it is why don't you fucking quit crazy bitch i will you won't no what makes you say you're gonna quit wait for the first stroke the best part is that what's gonna do it and you're gonna go vegan all my grandfather go completely the your grandfather had a stroke? Yeah, from smoking. Really?

Yeah. Oh, look at you. Living smart. Yeah. It was like 65. Oh, so you feel like you've got a few years. Yeah, okay. Well, isn't there like a point of no return, like where you've done so much damage that you can never heal yourself up?

No, I mean, well, to a point if you get cancer, obviously. But, I mean, there's a chart. I think, like, after a year, you're pretty much back to normal. Really? Your lung capacity and all that stuff. There's actually a thing where, like, if you quit the first week, the first day, the first month. What keeps you from quitting?

I mean, you've taken those nicotine patches. Can't you just jam those? Yeah, I mean, it's just doing it. I mean, seriously, smoking. See, I wish you could tell the addiction I wish I could too because Marin's complaining about it all the time he's always on his Twitter

talking about putting nicotine patches on shit it's always going to be there like that voice in the back of your head even if you quit is still there Joey's in denial

Joey likes to pretend he's not smoking you know me dog I don't need that shit meanwhile every time before a show he's bumming cigarettes off you right?

yeah I always have to buy two packs every time I'm hanging out with him. Helium gave me some cigars. Helium is the shit. I fucking love it there. Yeah. Two Heliums we did this month in Portland and Philly.

Both of them were fucking awesome. For those folks that are interested in the Massey Hall in Toronto show, the only tickets that are left are like single tickets. But, you know, man, if you want to go. Sit in separate seats. Yeah, sit in separate seats or, you know, get people to move or something. Who the you know, man, if you want to go... Sit in separate seats. Yeah, sit in separate seats or, you know, get people to move or something. Who the fuck knows, man? Just go and have fun. It's going to be chaos.

And I'm doing it with Sam Tripoli. But other than that, it's sold out. And for the June 11th, I think it's... What is the date? By the way, Sam Tripoli got a faux hawk going on now. Really? Yeah, he shaved his head. Silly bastard. Sam Tripoli's awesome. And he'll be opening for me in, I said June.

He's so excited about it, too. He's like, I'll never play a bigger show than this ever. He's going crazy. And by the way, San Francisco is May 12th through the May 14th, and that's at Cobb's Comedy Club. Yeah, June 10th is the Vancouver date, and April 29th is the Toronto date. And April 29th, like I said, there's only a few tickets left.

And then the other thing is Cobb's in San Francisco, yeah, is already selling very fast, the 12th through the 14th. Is that a full dev squad? Who's going there? Yeah, probably. Whoever's around. You know, if Joey and Ari can do it. You know how we do it.

It's like Ari's getting a bunch of headline gigs now, which which is very nice yeah ari's headlining all over the place he's doing um doing comedy competitions he's doing or um you know um comedy festivals he just got back from atlanta and he goes uh he goes uh i realized uh something i was like why does this feel so weird and then someone said because you're the most famous comic here he's like oh i'm not comfortable with that and i go you're not comfortable with that because that's responsibility you feel like responsible for like the young pucks you know like is that what it feels like he's like yeah that is what it is like i go you shy away from every responsibility possible right you know even being like the most famous comedian like oh don't look to me i don't know nothing let

me i'm getting out of here and he just runs away that dude should be so much bigger bigger i mean he's gonna be i was talking i was talking to mary carrie when we had her on the podcast and he was she was talking about how she saw you and ari and she's just like is i what's that guy's name ari shafir he was so fucking hilarious i'm like wow you knew his name offhand well we talked to her for like five hours on the plane too but yeah that she did remember his name yeah i mean look it's it's it's tough these days for a comic to get notoriety just for their stand-up. You have to get on something where people see you. There's just so much entertainment value. You have to have a Comedy Central special. You have to have something. And Ari's at a bit of a disadvantage, just like Joey is, in that they're both ruthlessly dirty,

which is really hilarious, but it's hard to clean that shit up for, you know, a seven minute spot at live at Gotham or something like that. You know, it was always hard for me too. When I, when I first started out to clean it up for like a 10 minute set or a seven minute set, seven minutes sets are hard in the first place. Cause it's like just getting a joke out. It's like, fuck, you know, you, when you want to do a set, you want to open up, get their, get their, uh, respect, get some laughs, and then slowly settle into your view of things. But you can't do that in 10 minutes, man. In 10 minutes, you got to slam them with some shit and then just get the fuck out of there. And you know, that, that's something that Ari hasn't done yet. He hasn't really, really knocked one out of the park and then got a half

an hour Comedy Central special and then got an hour's Comedy Central special. And he doesn't do enough updating on his website either. He's, I mean, you know, I was, look, I've had a website since 1998, and there's thousands of blog entries. You know, I mean, I, and I'm a busy guy. You got to write things. You got to give people things like Twitter. Look, I write a lot of shit on Twitter. It's like, hey, the podcast is about to start, or hey, you know, I'm about to do this gig, or hey, you know, come see me here. But a lot of the rest of it is just me writing things that I think are funny and interesting or some link that somebody sent me that's interesting, I'm retweeting it. I want it entertaining.

I want to make sure it's entertaining because it's a part of that whole system of promoting yourself, of getting yourself out there, of being able to work. And Ari hasn't really embraced that. He embraced the Twitter a little bit he writes funny tweets every now and then but he needs to be like real proactive like his website it's not like he's got a wife and kids and a job and an excuse to not be doing all this stuff you know but at least he's doing his podcast on your death squad network and it's the skeptic tank if you're looking for it that's what Ari calls it it's really good and uh I've been on it.

Mayhem Miller's been on it. He had – was Steve on his? No, no, that was on the Nautilus show. But, yeah. Mayhem – they're on their death squads. He's gone on iTunes and subscribed to death squad. It has Ari's. It has Sam Tripoli's podcast. Tom Segura, who was on yesterday.

They're all grouped into one podcast. Yeah, and think about that, man. You would have never thought that you would be doing something like that. Yeah. I mean, how crazy is that? You know what's weird is the whole thing is that when i was in uh middle school you had a or something like a high school freshman in high school you had a shadow of the day job where you picked what you wanted to be when you grew up and you shadowed them for a day right right so i shadowed a radio station because i wanted to be a radio dj and i shadowed the the

morning zoo at wnci 97.9 it. It was the day Buster Douglas won and they had Buster Douglas on the, on the radio station. I think I've talked about this before, but yeah, a long time ago. Yeah. So, but it was crazy. Cause we actually, Buster Douglas knocked out Tyson. Yeah. We were, we were actually in Columbus, Ohio, like when we did your DVD special and we are on that radio show and the guy was still working as a DJ. And I was like, you know what? You were the guy that, when I was a kid, that I hung out with this guy all day. He took me to breakfast, took me to lunch,

and now look at this. It's like I'm an adult and you're still here. That's weird. I'm an adult and you're still here. That's weird. Yeah, no, it's interesting what podcasting has become. Ariel Helwani and I, I did his podcast yesterday and I did it through Skype, which is pretty badass.

I did the video portion of it through Skype and I just used the microphone and listened to the headsets and I'm like, this is crazy. And we're doing it in real time and it sounds awesome. Yeah. You know, it sounded really crystal clear. Sounded great. Yeah. You know, you can, it's a different world, man.

We live in a different world and we got lucky. We snuck in Right on the ground floor You know Totally never expected that I remember all these other people Were doing podcasts at the time Because I did Adam Carolla's podcast

Way before I even moved to Colorado You know I had done it You know And I still hadn't done my own Well it's podcasts in general It's weird how They used to be popular

Like four years ago Like when they first came out And iPods just first came out And they were Or whatever It was huge or for oh no like who were the huge ones back then uh i remember like kevin rose and all those guys uh from tech tv had kevin is he the guy that started dig yeah same guy same guy kevin rose yeah crazy bastard yeah follow him he's got some ideas well now he's not with dig anymore and everyone's pissed because they he pretty much digs supposedly gone to shit since he left.

And everyone's mad at him, I guess. That's what I've heard. Oh, Kevin. I haven't been following him. I like Dig still. I use Dig all the time. I like Dig, yeah. Dig.com, if you've never been, is an excellent portal for interesting stories.

Yeah. There's always, like, I will scroll through the first four or five pages, and every time I do it, you know, there's always something interesting that pops up. That's where I got that Dilbert story and, you know, there's always Charlie Sheen asking for custody of his twins.

Oh, that's the fucking perfect thing to happen right now. That's exactly. At the end of the podcast for this goddamn phone to ring because I never turn it off. Call from Malibu, PA.

Malibu. Malibu, PA. Malibu, please. Malibu, California. Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, for that. That's sort of an inside joke on this podcast, that I'm a retard and I never turn my fucking phone off. The real problem is I'm always usually on the phone right up until the time we start. And there's a bunch of them and they're cordless, so they're all floating around. I never know where the fuck they are I usually just pull the plug out of the wall

I did it yesterday I actually plugged it back in right before the show today because I had to make a call you don't give a fuck and I wouldn't either the point is we've done this for 100 episodes now give me some knuckles we've had a good time

Red Band and I have more than surpassed our expectations. I never had any going into it. I don't think you did either. No. Never thought it would be like this. I thought this was actually going to last a month. I thought you'd get sick of it in a month. And that's the craziest thing about that, that you still do it.

I thought for sure. I'm pretty good at doing things. Once I get started, I'm pretty good at sticking to them. But it's when I realized it was crazy, when I realized weird things was happening, was when I asked the crowd in Boston. I did the Wilbur Theater.

It was packed, sold out. And I go, and Eddie Bravo was there. And I yelled out to Eddie because I had my 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu shirt on. And I was like, 10th Planet in the house? And I yelled out, how many guys had my 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu shirt on. And I was like, 10th Planet in the house. And I yelled out, how many guys listen to the podcast? And they went fucking crazy. It was like 90% of the crowd.

And I was like, whoa, really? Really? And then I realized, and I'm like, somewhere along the line, maybe that's why these crowds have been cooler lately. Like over the last six months, the crowds have gotten noticeably cooler. And they were always cool. They were always cool. There was always a huge percentage of cool people. But there was always people that didn't know what I was up to. And they're just, you know, something to do. They're because of Fear Factor or UFC or

whatever. Yeah. Jamie Kennedy wasn't in town, so they went to see me. You know what I mean? It's like they don't know what they're doing. They're just wandering in there. But now it's completely changed. Like in Philly, the whole crowd, it's all podcast fans. Because they find out about the show long before everybody else. That show was sold out a month before we were ever there. You know? I mean, that's never happened to me before. The best case scenario was like the last time I was in Philly, which was like a year ago. We sold it all out just before I got there.

But this was sold out like way before that. You know? So it's... And you added an extra show. You did more shows. Shut the fuck up. God damn it Who is this again?

Same thing Hang on I don't give a fuck about them That's how I roll Alright ladies and gentlemen At that note I apologize for the phone This won't happen after episode 100

I'm gonna have that shit straightened out I'm gonna fix it We will be back next week As we said Adam Carolla is on on Tuesday, and I think we're probably going to do one either Wednesday or Thursday. I don't know who.

Duncan Trussell is coming on next week, too. And Joey wants to come on next week, too. We should have Duncan and Joey. We haven't had those combo together for a while. That's a good combo. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an awesome 100 episodes. We have enjoyed the fuck out of it. We thank you very much.

Everybody that enjoyed it, we're so happy that you did. And I appreciate all the Twitters. I appreciate all the Facebook messages. I appreciate everything. Thank you very, very much. You guys are the coolest motherfuckers on the planet. Thank you to the Fleshlight for sponsoring the podcast. If you go to joerogan.net, there's a's a flashlight link on the right-hand side. If you click it and enter in the code name Rogan, you would get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

And you can shoot loads, and it feels awesome. All right. That's it, folks. Thank you very much. We'll see you soon. Love you, bitches. See you you guys.