The Joe Rogan Experience - #1000 - Joey Diaz & Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 18, 2017

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now” available on Spotify. Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called "Your Mom's House" on Spotify.

Two, five, four, three, two, yee-haw! We're live, ladies and gentlemen. Thousand episodes. Tom Skora, Joey motherfuckin' Diaz. We're delayed in starting, ladies and gentlemen. We did not have a lighter. That was a real panic set in here. That's embarrassing.

Yeah. I thought some shit was really going to go down. But thank God I am petrified of earthquakes and situations. I don't put slippers on. I sleep with sneakers on. I got a generator. I got a generator. I got a generator, dog.

Do you store water? Water tools. I got two weapons. I got an AR-15. Have you been out here for an earthquake? One of them that didn't scare me, but I was just sitting by the computer and I was looking at the cat bowls. You get high and I was looking at the cats and I was looking at the cat bowls. And all of a sudden, the whole building tipped.

And I saw the cat bowls up in the air spinning and the cats running for their lives. They were acting weird a couple seconds before that and that's why i go why are they so up oh they were acting weird before the year before the year they say yeah they sense it so i started looking at the cat bowls dogs that they're doing that and all sun dog i just saw the cat bowls it's like a cartoon up in the air spinning the earthquake and the whole building shifted i heard the bricks the whole thing i thought about it being at night sleep apnea you got to have a conveyor whatever fucker and they saw they saw like for 600 you get one with everything lights on iron it fucking uh cleans your water it's scary as shit when you shit you panic about what earthquakes are like before you move here.

Yeah. I remember the first week I was here, I was in an apartment in Sherman Oaks, and I was standing at the kitchen counter of this person's apartment on their laptop, sending an email, and I felt a little, and in my head I go, oh, that's the subway. And I kept typing, and then, did you feel that? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, it's crazy, right? That's the earth shaking underneath your feet.

And I was like, oh, and it's like a panic sets in. You're like, oh, my God, I've actually experienced the earth moving now. And then the next step is like when you are, you're like if you're asleep, and then you hear like you feel the dresser, you hear the dresser, you know, or something that's hanging on your wall bumping. You're like, if you're asleep and then you hear like, you feel the dresser, you hear the dresser, you know, or, or something that's hanging on your wall bumping. You're like, the fuck's going on? It takes you that extra beat to figure out that you're going through an earthquake. That extra beat is fucked.

It's fucked. How many have you been through? Nothing big, but like fives, 5.5s, a couple of those. The first one I was in was an aftershock of the Northridge earthquake. I was staying in North Hollywood and I was in this shitty apartment. It was made out of like fucking the same boxes that they used like the ship refrigerators in. Like literally the walls, when the earthquake hit, the walls just went like this.

I mean, like the whole thing was just like a giant was pushing on the house. Scary as fuck, right? Yeah. Well, it's humbling. Yeah. Because you realize like this is nothing. This isn't chewing up the street. this isn't knocking over any houses imagine what it felt like when that big one hit and it hit for 30 seconds for 30 30 seconds is so long to feel the ground moving that's why those

people moved to boulder well that's why i was just going to say that when you have that experience I was just going to say that. Yeah. When you have that experience, there's some people that, because for a few days after Northridge, there was aftershocks. Yeah. And there's people that one day look at their kids and go, I'm not going through this again. I work in Wilshire. Yeah. I work in Wilshire.

Yeah. I have a big building. What if? Yeah. What if I was in that fucking building? What if? So a lot of people just abandon. That's what everybody's waiting for,

an earthquake here because then people leave and they sell their houses for dirt cheap. Like, fuck it, we're out. It does happen. We're out. We're gone.

They don't ever want to experience it again but then I see a guy like my uncle who's lived here since 55 and I've asked him, were you ever scared? And he goes,

you know, you feel them but... Dude, when I first moved here, before I first moved here, i first moved here i was out here for meetings and i i went by a section of the highway i think it was the 10 that it collapsed and they were moving cars around it yeah and uh as we're is this what happened what is this an apartment building that collapsed just northridge earthquake oh this is the northridge one yeah dude that was a serious serious earthquake, man.

Yeah. Like, fucking serious. And when I was driving by this one section of the highway, it collapsed on the lower section. And I remember thinking, that's just shit luck. Like this right here. Yeah, yeah. Like, you could be there, and that is just shit luck. It is, really.

Blam, that thing lands on you, and that's how you go. I'm sorry. I am a hard working individual. I really try to do anything I could to help myself. But when people call me and tell me they want me to go to a meeting in Santa Monica

after like three, unless I'm picking up an envelope, I tell them no. Remember when that kid won the Oscar for Modern Family and he said I was always the guy that went to Ocean Avenue at 5 for those auditions? Yeah. You deserve an Oscar because when you switch from the 10 to the 405, you got to wait on that ramp. Yeah.

That is such first world privilege right there. And if you're fucking high and you're in the middle of that ramp, your mind starts playing. I'm telling you, I've been stuck on that ramp and I've gone never again oh man i want to go through this ramp i don't ever want to be in the middle of that ramp that's not good not good your mind starts playing with you and you remember that those images and you go fuck that okay let me let's plan this right now if the shit hits the fan this thing shakes to the ground yeah where are we going because listen one of the main reasons why i like being in la is because I like you guys. Yeah, so we're going to all go.

I like, for real, like 100%, that was the thing that bothered me the most about Colorado. There was a lot of nice people out there, but I didn't know you guys weren't out there. You were alone. It's a weird feeling to be alone. Well, I see you when we work together, but there's something fun about running into you guys all the time. It makes life better. We do sets at the store, the factory, and wherever we're at.

It's more fun. It makes life more fun. Do we do this podcast? A hundred percent. I would do a group move to Colorado. Fuck yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I love that state.

That's what we do. The group move to Colorado is the right way. You got to remember, guys, it's not our decision in that. It could be you go home and Mrs. Rogan sits you down and goes, I'm not living through this again. That's how. In fact, I packed the bags. I'm going to Colorado without you. I'm going to a hotel.

Some people it affects that way. Oh, yeah. That they go, like, this ends today. With that earthquake you're saying. Oh, yeah. That they go, like, this ends today. Right now. Yeah. With that earthquake you're saying. Yeah, sure. I bet if you feel it, if you feel that motherfucker, the ones that take down highways, if you feel that, you're like, oh my God, this is not even a really big one. Yeah.

Really big ones change the shape of continents. True. True. I mean, that's the real fear. The real fear is there's a giant one, like a 10 or an 11. Part of you, by the way way always feels kind of crazy like when I was growing up in Florida with hurricanes That like after a hurricane you're like are we staying? Yeah, it happens all the time. That's Florida's mentality like

We're just bored up get beer. Yeah. Yeah, but there's something about a hurricane They're like for whatever reason I feel like if you're just in the basement the top blows off the thing and you just fucking strap yourself I'm like a wild ride at Disneyland, but but now they give you these warnings. They're like you're just in the basement the top blows off the thing and you just fucking strap yourself down like a wild ride at disneyland but but now they give you these warnings they're like you're definitely gonna die if you're at the beach and people still are like fuck it yeah oh for sure my friend's mom his mom is like 70 something years old and this big one was coming they're like this time we're not fucking around this is a category five. This is going to absolutely devastate this area. And she was like, absolutely not. I've been here 40 some years.

Nothing ever fucking happens. And he begged her. And she was like, no. And it's like, you know, those reports are always rolling the dice because they'll say it's going to be this bad and then it'll turn or it'll land different. And it turned into like a tropical storm. She was like, see?

But she was the only person that stayed. Everybody else, we would always bail. I don't know if you were ever there for a hurricane. But we would always book it, man. As soon as they were like, this thing is going to land, we're like, no, there's no way. And even driving in those tropical storms was unreal, man. You can't see an inch in front of the car. It's like you're driving through a car wash.

We had a stop once. Were you with me when Eddie did that seminar in Miami when we were working at West Palm? Did you go down with us? No. Eddie is doing a seminar in Miami. We were in West Palm. It's like a half hour away. So we left to go to the seminar, and we were stopped dead on the highway.

You could not see an inch in front of the windshield. It's amazing. It was fucking crazy. It lasted for about 15 minutes, but it was just, like the sky opened up. All the time there. All the time. We don't even know what rain is.

No. We don't even know. And I never knew growing up, Like, in Boston, growing up. Growing up in Boston, I never saw that. Yeah. We saw it rain. We never saw that. Like, that's some next level. I haven't really seen it duplicated since leaving there.

I saw one bad. It's pretty crazy. As a child, I saw one bad rainstorm in Jersey where the clouds got dark. Yeah. It started hailing. Wow. Have you ever lived through hailing? Yeah, I don't know that Do you see videos of what people's cars are just gonna destroy it? Yeah, and there's one one guy had a film of a lake They were watching it and it slowly ramps up

It's like one yeah one two and he's like whoa look at the size of this hail and then all Sundays It's literally being attacked with rocks from space like here watch this look at the size of this hail. And then all of a sudden, it's, fuck! It's literally like we're being attacked with rocks from space. Like, here, watch this. Look at this. Look at this fucking guy's pool. Yeah, there's a gang of these, man. But, like, look at this one. Look at that.

That's rocks. Those are ice rocks. It fucks people's cars up. This is insane. Oh, destroys. Destroys cars. Whenever this happens in Colorado. Look at the fucking water, dude.

A thousand roofers move to Colorado because there's work for two fucking years. Yeah, but you get KO'd. Jesus Christ. Look at it. It's getting worse. This is insane. Dude, you get KO'd.

Okay, especially if you're like a little kid. Oh, definitely. Imagine being a five-year-old out in this. You get fucking pummeled to death. Has anybody ever died from hail? Has to have happened. Seems like it. The first week I moved to L.A. Tom Segura.

The first week I moved to L.A. on a Monday and that Friday was the North Hollywood shootout. Really? I'm not sure if this is the place for me. That was that week? That Monday I came in. I was living with Stan Hope. I went to find a job that Friday

and there was a bunch of traffic and they were like nah, there's a North Hollywood shootout. I didn to find a job that Friday. And there was a bunch of traffic. And they were like, nah, there's a North Hollywood shoot. I didn't know what North Hollywood was. That shootout changed policing nationwide. You know that? That incident changed the way they viewed having weapons, changed their training. They never even contemplated that people would rob a bank with fully automatic machine guns. Do you remember the scenes of the guy coming out with the body armor just fucking black?

And that dude was laying by a car after he was hit, just shooting up at helicopters and shit. That was fucking crazy, man. I remember that national news. That was just like a big fucking deal. You couldn't get on the 101. No, I was in the news radio break room. We were getting ready to film a scene, and we were watching it. Me and Candy Alexander huddled up together going, what in the fuck?

Yeah, man. Everybody came in. Guys, get in here. Get in here. We were all in there watching. Like, what in the fuck? And it changed the way they, what kind of tactics they use and the equipment they give police. Absolutely.

Because they had 38s back then. They still reference it all the time. I did a ride-along two months ago with the Hollywood division. Dude. And a guy was still talking about it. He's like, we have this because of this shootout. And you know, that's a lot of people say, oh man, fucking militarization of the police, man.

And there's a lot of it that's not good. You give people too much power, it's not good. But if some shit happens like that they need that otherwise they're sitting ducks Yeah, you know kind of weapons you get on the streets right now. Oh, dude You know they fuck crazy here the firepower you get on the streets from AR-15s You get some wild shit on the fucking street. All you have to do is this number. It's real quick mathematics for anybody's interested There's 350 million people somewhere around this country.

There's more guns than there are people and they're still making guns. Every day they make guns. There's a gun making industry. It's gigantic. Yeah. They're making all kinds of guns

all over the country. Right now. Every year, like newer, higher tech. They're not getting rid of any guns. No, no.

Like all those guns for toys. Oh, give back your gun and you'll get a toy. Okay. Go fuck yourself. Someone has a factory going on right now. They're cranking out ARs. And one person's like, here you go. Some rusty old.22

for a teddy bear. I'll take you to a fucking handball court that you'd get anything except like a hunting rifle. I can't believe they're playing handball still. That's why they get that. Who's dedicated to handball? Who's like, I'm gonna be the best, bro. When you get out of prison. What do you think you do in prison? You play handball. So when you get out, you claim disability.

You play handball all day, and it's a cover for you that you're half a Momo, but you play handball. But you sell guns that kill. You'll get a gun at a handball court for $50 that shot three people. That gun hasn't missed. A motherfucker shot himself. A motherfucker committed suicide long range with those guns. They don't give a fuck. They got guns that don't miss on the handball courts.

Did you play handball in prison? I played handball like the first two weeks, and it just wasn't for me. I played in Colorado because there was a few guys from the Bronx. So when I went to Summit County, because I was arrested in Boulder, but once you start your state sentence, they were going to send me to Missouri or Texas. I ended up going to Summit County. Summit County is like, we don't really have bars. Yeah.

Oh, no. You could just do what you want here. Yeah. At 9 or 10 o'clock, the guard would go to Pathmark. Not Pathmark, like a supermarket. Yeah. And get us chips and sodas. What? It was like a supermarket, and get us chips and sodas. What?

It was like a fucking daycare. Wow. So you didn't get along? Everyone got along pretty well? Yeah, I hung out with a dude from the Bronx that played handball, and we became friends together. He had been on the run for 12 years, but this guy was brilliant.

He was fucking brilliant. Like, the shit he had done, he had driven the cops. Like, what's that movie Leonardo DiCaprio did? Catch me if you can. He was that guy. Right. And the final thing he did to them was they caught him and he set him up on a drug sting. Like I read the paperwork. It was brilliant. He set him up on a drug sting. He said, I

know where I can go buy 10 kilos of coke. The cops actually gave him $250,000 cash to buy the 10 kilos of coke. He set it up with his friend to have a car behind the house. The car was empty. The house was empty. The cops never even did a background check to see who lived in the house. The house was empty. He went through the front and went out the back and disappeared, traveled for 10 years.

And he came back to the States because his dad died in the arrest Why he took a chance ten years ago? He went to like Aruba and just played shuffleboard handball That's a dark world the world of the expat no South American. Yeah tourist communities. Yeah, that's like that sizable to write Very sizeable all over all over Mexico, there's a lot of people in Brazil. I had a friend whose dad was island hopping all throughout his adolescence just to avoid taxes. Wow.

And then the crazy thing to me is that they came here, like they came back eventually. And I'm like, so is he in trouble? He's like, no. How is he not in trouble? He's like, I don't know. Aren't they going is he in trouble he's like no how is he not in trouble he's like i don't know aren't they gonna catch him he's like no what do you mean man like he's here now like is that whole new identity no okay don't worry about it does he pay taxes he says he no and he's like he doesn't he still doesn't and then my friend was still like you know you don't have to pay taxes oh one of those guys one of those guys. One of those guys. Talk to Wesley Snipes. Yeah, I know.

He goes, Google it. I was like, Google it? You have to pay taxes, man. Google it? You have to pay fucking taxes. When that's your thing? Just look it up, man. God damn it.

Pay your taxes. Of course. That's the worst advice. They will lock you up so quick. They'll fuck you up, of course. And it doesn't matter if you pay them. See, if you owe money to, say, like Exxon, you know, whatever, they'll sue you. You have to pay the money.

You pay the money. You know whatever they'll sue you you have to pay the money you pay the money, but if the IRS If you owe money to the IRS they put you in a fucking cage for sure guardless of if you pay Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's say you know even if you agree to pay it. Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna go in a cage first Yeah, no, if you owe a company money They file a judgment against you and they sell the paper and then you get called at comedy clubs like I used to You know when I first started comedy, I owed so much money. Did you really? I go to a comedy club and the manager would go, you just got a call.

You just got to recall. And I'd go, holy shit, it's HBO. Really? Like collections? In my mind, I would go, it's HBO. Oh, shit. And all of a sudden they would go, Joey, it's the same guy. And I'd pick up the phone, Joey, Discover Card, we never got that payment.

Motherfucker. Wow. They fucking figured out. They have tremendous scams, the people looking for you. Yeah. They have a computer that they'll go on to see what are the numbers that usually call you. And they'll get that number. And when they call you, that number will come up over your caller ID.

They do some illegal shit when they're looking for you. But when you get a judgment from Exxon, seven years you don't pay it, it goes away. The government, that judgment never goes away. That and the student loan. These motherfuckers that tell student loans to suck their dick, oh. Oh, yeah, student loans. That's even more intense than IRS stuff.

Yeah. Well, you know, that's even more intense than irs yeah yeah well you know that's all the government as well right the thing about student loans is it doesn't get erased when you go to bankruptcy yeah it doesn't get so if you file for bankruptcy anything else is gone you know yeah i paid a student loan i thought it was cute i took the last one out the 26 25 the minimum you i've known a couple of people they showed showed up about three years ago, dog, with a big old number. I had to get an attorney to negotiate it down and get off it. The IRS, I didn't pay taxes from 90 to 2001. What?

Dog, I was crazy. I was hiding. I was doing, you know, what was I making? 8,000 a year as a road comic? Yeah, okay. Triple runs. What am I going to file? Yeah.

So I didn't file. I made money one out of the 13 years 11 years and one day i walked in downtown downtown i thought they were going to shoot me in the head i took a number they called my name i went back there i told them i hadn't filed in 11 years they asked me what i did i talked to the lady for a half hour she she goes we don't go back for seven. So you got seven free years. They don't throw you in... Listen, you have to be a dumb

motherfucker for them to throw you in jail. Or you have to be a public figure. They give you every option, Joe. The public figure, you're actually worse off than if you're some just legitimate businessman. But if you're a public figure, I could go down there with my attorney and say, look, I'm going to shoot ten movies in the next three years.

No, they would not let Wesley Snipes do that. Because he gave him such a hard time. At first, he was telling them all this shit that fuck rules

and fuck the United States and black Africa and reprimand. Yeah, he was talking about all that shit and that shit drives them crazy. I don't think

that's what he's talking about. He made a case that he didn't owe them. Yes. He was like, no, I don't owe them. Like my friend. No, you got to go in there humble, and they'll play with you. Once you start talking about Amendment 11, and Thomas Jefferson, and black reparations,

and Chinese yakuzas, they don't give a Frenchman fuck. There's a lot of those people out there that convince people that they don't have to pay taxes, that it's not in the Constitution. It's like they want to believe it, like a conspiracy theory. Well, no, it might be. Here's the thing. I mean, you might have a legal argument, but it doesn't matter. They'll put you in a fucking cage.

Tax evasion is a real law. They're going to take that money and put you in a fucking cage, and you won't make any money. They're going to put that kid from fucking The Solution. What's that? That kid that we met that time. The Solution. The situation. Whatever his fucking name is. Let me get a tissue paper. kid from the solution what's that that kid that we miss solution there's a situation whatever

his name is let me get the tissue paper what's the kid from tarantino that we made yeah yeah yeah he's a nice guy he's a very nice guy very nice guy wait what happened to him he tried to try to he actually didn't just not pay his taxes there was some shenanigans or he pretended he made less than he actually did like that why these p Pete roses and they got Sinbad remember that they were putting him on the front page of the LA Times for years yeah why though Mike the situation is more charges yeah including tax evasion and structuring yeah tax evasion like once you structure it and you're the mastermind of it You're definitely going to the farm

craziest part of the story was to me that for that period that they're Like hitting them up about he made nine million dollars No, I just was amazed that like from the I didn't realize that from I mean I remember that show obviously a huge hit but that's incredible some of money We should really pay attention to this. To his? Not just his, but what they can do. Because you think about what it is. We're just talking about money, right?

And we're talking about some deception on his part where he tried to keep some money. Yeah. Try to make it look like he earned it. You do that with anybody else. Yeah. Say you're in some sort of a deal with Costco and you do some sneaky shit. They can sue you. You'll owe them and you have to pay them.

But there's no threat of jail time. Right. Right? I mean, is there? If you tried to cook the books, would they get you? Yes. Would they put you in jail or would they just try to fine you? Yeah, it's fraud and wire fraud.

They have a lot of different names. He'd probably pay fines, though, I'm guessing, right? Do you think it would be the same kind of scrutiny and attention, though, that he's getting? No, I think it'd be all about paying a lot of money. Let's pretend that Mike Sorrentino, is that his name? Let's pretend that he had some sort of a deal with Chevrolet. And, you know, he was using his name to sell cars. But he was fucking around with some money and cooking the books and a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

To the same tune as what was going on with the IRS. What do you think they would do to him? Would you even be seeing this on TV? No, it would be like a suit. Right, because what they're saying is, this guy tried to fuck the Big Daddy. Right. I mean, that's what they're showing you.

They're showing you that Big Daddy gets mad when you try to fuck him. And in the grand scheme of things, it's a lot of money for an individual to earn, but it's not money that affects Big Daddy. No, but Big Daddy's coming after you. But it's not money that affects Big Daddy. No. But they're sending a message. Big Daddy's coming after you. But here's the strange thing.

Big Daddy is just people. Why do we let anything be Big Daddy? Yeah. We used to think of it, I think, from almost like a primitive perspective, like you have a king or you have a leader of a tribe. Yeah. I think that's how people used to think of it. They used to think of all these organizations, whether it's the FBI or the DEA, as being a part of that.

But they're just a bunch of fucking people. And no person should ever be big daddy to the point where if you have money that's owed to someone else, perhaps, and there's some sort of an argument that you've been deceptive, that they can just swoop down and take all your money. Like, they lock it all up. Like, they go, no, no, no, we're fucking freezing your funds. Like, Exxon doesn't get to do that. Chevy doesn't get to do that. Other corporations don't get to do that.

But Big Daddy has the overall say. If you violate Big Daddy's code, even though Big Daddy, like, you don't even get a receipt from Big Daddy. You give Big Daddy half your money, and Big Daddy just takes it and spends it as they will. Tell them whatever the fuck they want. And you know, and you say, what, you don't think you should pay taxes, you fucking hippie? What are you, a Bernie Sanders supporter? Not even saying that. Not even saying that.

Don't you think Big Daddy should be accountable? If Big Daddy's going to be able to just throw us in a cage because we don't give him ones and zeros, don't you think Big Daddy should be a little bit accountable? They should be way more accountable for their spending. Way more. Way more accountable. Way more.

You shouldn't just, you should be able to check off boxes, too. Yeah. There should be, like, needs. Like, healthcare, check. Like, police department, check. Fire department, check. Things that we all, like, have to pay. Yeah.

And then there should be elective things. A bunch of elective things a bunch of elective shit you know well i think i feel like they should also like our representatives should be way more willing and like actually like mandated to explain in detail and like what they're doing what they're spending on yeah and i feel like a lot of you know house represent congress senate there's just like an air of arrogance about the way that they even handle them. You know what I mean? Yeah, they have power.

Of course. They're a big daddy. They're a big daddy. And like it's, yeah, I mean, it's just like aloofness that they have is like, it's always been upsetting to me. It's fucking gross. No one should be big daddy. True. I mean, the people in Congress should be humble.

And, you know, that's one of the things about Obama. Say what you want about Obama, whether you like his policies. As a human being, that guy conducted himself better than any president ever. The way he spoke, the way he interacted with people, the way he even responded to criticism. You know, I'm not talking about his policies, and you might hate the Affordable Care Act. As good as it's ever been. Yeah. Which is why this Trump thing is in such direct contrast.

When he's yelling the other day at some reporter, and he said, you know, you're fake news. He used that again. I know, man. He said, be quiet, fake news, or something like that. When he was talking about something. You know, we can, like, conflate the two. Like, if you want to talk about policy and effectiveness of an administration and just personal conduct, let's say you take all the politics out of it.

That's what bothers a lot of people to this moment still. If you just even separate politics, which a lot of people are in favor of, just the way he conducts himself. Some people love it. Let's be honest. Very small amount of people love it. But a lot of people are bothered by it. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, you were saying before, there's no debtor's prison. Yeah. There's no debtor's prison. When I first got into comedy, I was getting divorced. I was getting squeezed by an attorney. And as much as I, I never forget the first day I ever miss sending a payment for anything. Like, I'll never forget how shitty I felt. You're terrible, right? Yeah.

That my credit rating and everything I had worth all those years was going down the toilet. And then at that point, I said, if I'm walking on ice, I might as well dance. I mean, I was just buying cars and fucking around. You know what? They couldn't throw me in jail for all that shit. But, one night, Discover closed my account.

And I went home and opened up my drawer on one of those, because when you want Coke, you get, fuck Einstein. You get creative, Jack. I went home and I opened up a drawer and I saw those checks, those three checks that Discover sends you. Yeah. When you first went to get the card. I had a bank account, a bank of Boulder or whatever it was called.

I had my car financed through that. I went in there. They had a 24-hour drive-through i went in there at one o'clock and signed that check over to myself for a thousand i waited for two seconds and also an envelope came out with a hundred with ten hundreds i peeled and did 90 out of that monday at 901 discover called me and said you got an hour to bring that fucking money back or we're going to charge you with fraud. And I was put up against the thing.

I went to the bank. I told them it was a mistake. I didn't know. And one lady said, you know what? I'll take that $1,000. I'll give you the $1,000, but I'm going to put it into your car loan and raise the payments by $25.

For every $1,000, it's $25. And that's the only reason why i didn't go to jail for that thing so they they don't put you in jail for being in debt they put you in jail for deception you know how they get athletes and entertainers you know what their biggest downfall is when they go to comic cons and those autograph signings oh they don't they don't get paid for those or they get paid for those and don't report it? There's two things. There's the people who get $5,000 flat and you take pictures all day.

Then there's the people that get $10 for their T-shirt and $15 for a headshot and a smile. Yeah. Those $15 go in your pocket, bro. You know what I'm saying? And what happens is you have to give a percentage of that $15 to the guy. It's like when you sell merch at a comedy club now. All of a sudden now they want 8% of your merch.

Same thing. Well, that guy reports it, but Pete Rose, I'm just saying, Pete Rose. I have nothing against Pete Rose. He's my dog. Pete Rose, he just puts $15 in his pocket. Or $60, or he took 10 pictures, it's $150.

That's how they come get you on all those autograph things. Right. What's going on here? What's this? It's from an article that somebody's talking about. This article is talking about walking away from Comic-Con with garbage bags full of 20s. This guy said he can make up to

$250,000. What? Shit. Twice he didn't feel a need for representation comic-con with garbage bags full of 20s this guy said he can make up to 250 grand what shit twice a didn't feel a need for representation because he's walking out with a bag full of cash what who is he uh it's like an unnamed person he's a source deeply involved steven arnell who became so enhanced the festival business that he started his own talent agency he's the star of the arrow the show the arrow oh okay comic book show on. Wow. That's a lot of money. Yeah. Fuck. That seems very strange, though.

So Comic-Con, you pay for a booth, and then I think you give them 3% of your overall take. Don't you think that's really bizarre, having people pay to come and meet you? That seems real strange. I think it's weird to charge somebody for a picture and charge somebody to sign. I mean, I guess the signing thing, I understand there's a bit, especially in sports, you know. I can understand if you're selling a book. Or if it's your thing that you're signing. Oh!

Whoa. $500,000 a weekend? Who the fuck gets that? Guy from The Walking Dead, Norman Reedus. What? Oh. Yeah. $200,000 guarantee.

Take pictures? $200,000 guarantee and pocket $500,000 a weekend. I know celebrities who get a flat and the ones that are on their way real low, like if you want Lucio Ball or if you want Happy Days or something like that, they get

piecework. I just changed my mind. I'm all in. I'm doing it next weekend. I'm taking pictures with your mom, your kids i mean no no it's you would never do this joe rogan like the other day a friend of mine called me and he goes i was at my dad's hospital room the other day and it was the funniest thing joe rogan a young joe rogan sitting around a campfire with people he goes i never saw that episode and all of a sudden he pulled out a bag of dicks. And he made everybody eat dicks.

He goes, me and my dad were fucking howling. You know, for some people in 10 years, they're going to come to you and say, can I take a picture for $10? I love Fear Factor. And you're sitting there going, what the fuck are you talking about? Let's take a picture. I understand that. I think it's a bad relationship.

It is. It is. But when they go to Comic-Con, they take their whole savings out. They're ready to go down there. I'm sure. I understand that. And it's a shame. I understand that.

It's a fucking shame, but there's people who do it to make a living. What are you going to do? I don't have any problem with it, and I don't have any problem with people doing it to make a living. No, no. But I was just saying, that's how you get nailed. That's how they nail you. Don't you think, though? I mean, could you see yourself doing that?

I'm too embarrassed. That's what I'm saying. Listen, when I, though? I mean, could you see yourself doing that? I'm too embarrassed. That's what I'm saying. Listen, when I was a coke fiend, I couldn't sell CDs after a show. So what does that tell you? Why couldn't you? I'm just too embarrassed. Oh, wow. That's crazy.

I have a hard time. I'd rather shake your hand and hug you and get the fuck out than you not come up to me because I'm selling a $25 CD. Yeah, that's a funny thing about you, Joey. You know, I've been friends with a lot of guys that had substance abuses. Like I told you about my friend Johnny back in New York. And one thing that you both had in common is that even though you had, like, these issues, there was never a point where I felt like I couldn't trust you with something.

You know? Like, you never would sell anybody out. You would never. You know what I'm saying? You're not a type of person who would do something to hurt somebody else so that you could profit because you were sick and you needed drugs. That was never you. You always had a strong code of ethics.

If not, get out there. You're worth nothing. I was a junkie that had problems. But when Ari started telling people, he was a junkie that had problems. But when Ari started telling people, he's a junkie, but he pays his bills. People were like, what the fuck are you talking about? You were just a guy struggling. And I recognized in you a lot of what I had seen in my friend Johnny.

There's a lot of people that are brilliant people that, for some reason, the fabric of society just doesn't fit them. There's something about getting up in the morning and going to a job and whatever it is about the way they were raised, the experiences that they had, just who they are inherently from birth, whatever the factors are, there's certain people that just can't do the regular thing. And they just need to find this regular thing. And they just need to find this other thing for you is obviously stand up. And once you found that other thing, it became successful, that other thing, that's when your whole thing changed. That's when you were I mean, it was really proof positive. And for sure, you learned a lot of things about life,

you got older, you got wiser, you know, but I think a big part of you becoming more comfortable and more relaxed and becoming who you are today is that you you started becoming successful as a comedian and when you started becoming successful as a comedian like like well 10 years ago things started really ramping up for you a noticeable relaxing of you noticeable change because change. Because you realize, like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. The problem is when this isn't working. And then you think, well, maybe I should go back to selling cars. Or maybe I should get a job in a factory. Maybe I should do something three or four nights a week.

Just bartend, make a little extra money, lighten up the load on the family. When those types of things start fucking with you, and that's when you start doing coke. That's when you start going crazy. That's when you stay up late. That's when you fuck off. That's when you make big mistakes. Like, you're unhappy.

You're upset. You're in the wrong groove. It wasn't the external struggles as much as the internal struggles. Or maybe all of it together combined. This November is going to be 10 years that I haven't done a line of Coke. I still remember being in Cobb's with you the January after the November. And you're like, you haven't done it in 60 days. And I was still, I wasn't sweating it out, but I still wasn't trusting myself.

I thought I could snap at any minute. Some chick with hot tits with a gram of Coke would pull me off. You know? Yeah. But it never. So I'm going up on 10 years. I've never even done Coke, and I'm suspect. Four.

Four. Well, you got to remember, bro. For me, it wasn't about success or selling tickets. For me, it was just doing something with my life. Right. Where I had come from, all I wanted was just to do something with my life. Where I had come from, all I wanted was just to do something with my life. If I could pay rent, feed the cats, smoke pot, and do spots,

that's a lot better than what I used to do. That's a lot better than the life I had. You understand me? Even if I don't go on the road and I'm not Louis C.K. It didn't matter to me. Just that I didn't have to carry a gun or worry about people knocking on my door. I was like Richard Guillenhausen's gentleman. I had nowhere else to go. I got nowhere have to carry a gun or worry about people knocking on my door. I was like Richard Guillenhausen's gentleman. I had nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go.

So I might as well go to the store and do that stupid spot at 1245 and look what happened. You just keep showing up. Yeah, man. That was a big part of it. But another big part of it was getting you on the internet. That was the thing. So people, we got a chance to show people what I already knew, you know? Like, the only way for you back then to get exposure was you had to do something conventional.

It was the only thing that existed. They had to put you in a movie or put you in a TV show. And you got in a few movies, and you got in a few TV shows. But they didn't get to see you as Joey Diaz. No, they didn't get to see you. But they got to see you as some fucking character actor in that mob movie with Robert De Niro. But there's a big difference between that and you like this you. Yeah.

It took the right thing for you to be this you. It took the internet. No, the internet, for Joey, is the best medium ever. Yeah. For sure. It's exploded, man. Well, for you, too. Yeah, it's gone.

For you, too. I have fun on that. Think about you, Tom. I'm having fun on that. Yeah, for sure that yeah yeah i like it i like it you're just as good of an example like you don't have a lot of success outside of the internet no that's true the internet has been your shit man yeah i mean think about it you didn't have like a long-running television series or a series of movies or anything you did no stand-up yeah but you're selling out places that a lot of those guys can't even fuck with yeah that's all the time because of your podcast which is if you haven't seen it it's your podcast with your

wife it's one of my favorite podcasts it's so fucking consistently silly thank it is very so ridiculous yeah and people get silly when they get on it they do yeah and then you know i start like seeing things like oh this is like your mom's house bit I need to send it to Tom yeah yeah you sent me a couple good ones I can't tell a story about taking a shit without 90 people hitting me up the next day telling me that was the most brilliant story in the world we're gonna send it to Tom

any time I tell a shit story I fart myself or something disgusting and two days later sure enough you're playing the fucking YouTube video. That's true. And howling with your wife. I'm howling.

We played Joey telling shit stories for sure. And he told us about when he shit in his backyard and somebody thought a bear had come. I'll never forget. The lady, she would let her dogs out every day at five. And then she would clean up. They were all French poodles. Yeah, yeah. I can see the dogs' asses high up in the air.

They're just reeling back from the shit. Like, what the fuck is a mountain of shit? She went like this. She looked at it. And she was like 58. So she squinted at the shit up against the wall. But here's what's beautiful. I took a shit and I put my back against the wall.

So when I shit, when you shit outside, it's not going to be a decent shit. It's going to be like explosive. So when I got up, it looks like somebody got shot in the head. There was shit all behind me on the wall. So she's sitting there with her little French poodles and her little chihuahuas, and she's looking at the wall like,

what the fuck happened there? And all of a sudden, she actually walks up close to it and squints and looks down on it and looks around and runs in the house. I'm watching all this. I can't breathe. And now I go to the computer because my wife's very decent. I'm sitting there for a half hour. And then my wife comes in and she goes, were you home all day today?

I go, yeah, why? She goes, I just had a conversation with Susan. She wanted to know if you heard anything in the backyard. Because some animal took a shit back there. I went to get sushi. Like, you ever go get sushi and eat a lot of it? And the rice pushes everything out of your ass. And you had plans to go get a weed store.

You want to go to the post office. But I made a detour. I planned to go home, but I left the house key in the house. So I had to climb around the window. That's what happened. Yeah, yeah. So when I pulled myself up, I actually landed with my stomach on the window. And now you're really in that shit.

Which made it push it out more. And I'm fatter than fuck, and my hands are struggling in the window, and my little fat feet are on the other side, and the cats are meowing at me, scratching at me, right? And I'm like, it's me, you fuck. And I, so I ran out, ran down the stairs, and shit outside. Oh, my God. The best was the night I took a shit in Fabian's backyard after a five hour drive from

Colton or some weird town. Didn't he not talk to you after that for a while? Yeah, for a while. I took a shit and then he ran over it with his car and the whole backyard smelled like sewage waste. I go over there the next day. He goes, it smells back here. Let's talk in the house. He goes, I don't know what happened.

And you can see the brown shit. He smushed it with this tire. And a bunch of flies were around. He didn't talk to me for a month after that. Who takes the shit in somebody's backyard? How did he find out it was you? Because I told him the truth. I felt bad.

I lied to the guy. That's hard to clean up, too. You can clean up dog shit. It doesn't even make you gag. But human shit? But bum shit? If you had to clean up some wino shit? If you had to use one of those scrapers? It smells so much stronger, man. We're gross.

When you take a shit, it's okay. It's until you cut it in half. You ever cut a shit in half? When that fucking... When that Reese's peanut butter fume leaks out. Oh my God. He's like, I've done studies. No, no, no, when you go to jail, when you go to jail it's just terrible.

You ever cut a shit in half? When you go to prison, you have to shit like in a tube by people watching TV. Like when you go to county jail, you shit right there. So black guys will be laying there watching TV with their feet up, and all of a sudden they smell a little shit, and they're like, put some water in that hole, motherfucker. Like, they'll just yell it from the other side of the fucking prison. Put some, because that means you took a shit and you're sitting there,

and the shit's permanent. So in prison, as soon as you shit, you got to put water on it. Yeah. But there's some bathrooms that only give you 20 ounces of water a day. So whatever time you flush, it's got to be a good flush. You follow me? I do follow you.

So if you take a piss, sometimes the piss has to stay there until the next day until you take a good, good shit. But when you take a shit in jail, bro,

that's what they'll tell you. Put some water. Put some hole in that motherfucking hole, dog. I can smell that shit right now. I'm trying to watch Oprah. But that's what smells. Once the hole sucks, it's like when you go to Vegas.

They have that sucking action. Well, if you take a shit this big, that's 34 inches, once that sucker thing, it breaks. It looks like two new chucks. Once that breaks, it's over. It's over, yeah. And they put the bathroom right by the door, the front entrance. You can't have nobody come over. Right, right.

That's why I always go downstairs. To take a shit? Yeah, I don't shit in my bathroom in the whole town no more, because it kills the whole room for two hours. We worked at the House of Blues in Vegas, and Joey left an onshore shit. You know what an onshore shit is? What? It's like, he was so fat at the time that he couldn't sit down and like the regular toilet you were like What were you on you 415 he was giant. He was giant

So when he would take a shit he would had have to balance himself Mostly on the very edge of the front because his ass was so big Why didn't shit in the water shit on the deck no? You ain't never seen a shit like that before so you couldn't sit in the water. Wow. He shit on the deck. No. Oh, dude. So it would be sticking out. Oh, sticking out. You ain't never seen a shit like that before. So you couldn't sit in the toilet.

I would sit on the toilet, but I don't like my... He was on the edge. It wasn't that I was fat. I don't like my dick inside the toilet. Right. Somebody's gonna suck your dick

and all of a sudden they're sucking the toilet. I tell my wife, I don't even let my wife pee in public because I want to eat her monkey. I don't want that monkey touching the other fucking thing.

So when I shit in a public bathroom, I hold my balls. Okay. And I shit towards the edge. I don't give a fuck. It's somebody else's bathroom. Right. So you're scooting forward. Why not just hold your balls and sit where you are?

No, no, no, no. Why do you got to move forward? Because if I'm back there, I got crabs one time. And if they're sitting on the toilet, they'll jump from that toilet inward like they're jumping over a mountain. I always thought that people saying they got crabs in the toilet is an excuse. Well, sometimes you can get crabs from anywhere, but why take a chance? But I thought you can only get it from hair. They only clean the hairs.

I don't think they will stay on an actual toilet. I think you're probably definitely right. Yeah, I would feel like that's one of those things like, how'd you get crabs? I took a shit at the gas station that had to be it. That's what I always figured it was. No, so I always hold my nuts on shit. When I shit, it was long, and Red Band put ketchup on it.

Remember? Red Band went in there and put ketchup on it and potato chips. Unfortunately, I think that was a different time. Okay. This has not happened just once. This is a different shit. Yeah. It's been many, many times.

This thing's just like sticking out of the water. So you go in there. There's a smell. You know how when you take an epic shit it's an above water shit it comes out like like the fucking big island of hawaii yeah just rises through the water yeah like i've done that many times where because i eat too much yeah and i'll take these shits that are just like so big they're preposterous but there's a totally different smell to those shits because you're smelling raw shit outside of the water. Right.

I mean, it's gone through the water. Yeah. And it's poking into the water. It's strong. What is it about that that makes you happy? What is it about that horrible smell you're like, oh, there's a good one right here? It doesn't come around that often either.

No, like above water shit? Yeah, man, it's like a comet. You're just like, this doesn't happen all the time. It doesn't come around that often either. No, like above water shit? Yeah, man. It's like a comet. You're just like, this doesn't happen all the time. It's always diarrhea, too. It's never like a super thick log. It's weird when the second wave is diarrhea. Like when you take a good shit and you're proud of yourself.

Yeah. And then you're like, I think I got a little more in there. And it's like rawr. And it's just a fucking. You know what that's from? What? Healthy eating. Healthy eating does that?

Yeah, yeah. If you eat some MCT oil or some coconut oil or some shit... Why does it do that to you? ...loops up your pipes. Oh. It's only because

where I moved to now, I have the office, the back office, and it's connected to a bathroom that's got a door. So I don't live with stink no more. I open the door in the morning. You don't live with stink no more.

I got a backyard. I shit. I smoke the bowl while I'm shitting. You don't shit in the backyard anymore. No, no, no. But my door goes facing to the backyard. I have my own bathroom and the bedroom and I'm running the kids in the hallway. But I got one of the back of your office now.

Yeah, don't put a woman through one of your shits. No, I got my own shower back there. Yeah, leave her alone. I open the back door. Fuck the fart fan. I just open the back door. There's a school behind there. Kids playing.

I'm shitting, smoking dope. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. And it don't smell in there no more. I light a door. There's a school behind there. Kids playing. I'm shitting, smoking dope. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. And it don't smell in there no more. I light a candle. That's beautiful. Beautiful. That's what you need is a bathroom with a door that faces outside. The worst is when you go over a girl's house and you go to use her bathroom and you smell matches.

Oh, yeah. Like, oh, no, she was lighting this motherfucker up. Yeah. And then it just makes you think. That's all you're thinking about. She's, like, burning off fumes, methane. Her sticky bubble, yeah. Like, oh, no, she was lighting this motherfucker up. Yeah. And then it just makes you think. That's all you're thinking about. She's, like, burning off fumes, methane. Her stinky butt hole, yeah. Her stinky butt.

She's panicking about her methane fumes. Do you ever get to a girl's place, and then you feel the gurgles, and you're like, I've got a red one. Not good. Not good. I've had that before. I was dating a girl once, and she had ferocious diarrhea. Ferocious. So she was in. Regularly? Or just so she was in regularly yeah no no one time yeah

and she so she went to the bathroom and she just turned on the shower and she turns on both things on the sink whoa yeah and just she was trying to drown it out just had all i'm like what the fuck is going on i was very young at the time i didn't understand i was super confused what the fuck is going on in there i had i had once in in college where i was at this girl's place and she was just like okay it's game on like go for it right i was like i have to take i could feel that it was a diarrhea shit like an explosive diarrhea shit and i also realized there was no way to do it that that it would just be a black toilet when i was done and that there's no way I could cover it. So you know what I did? What? I went back to my place.

I was like, I'll see you some other time, or whatever. Right. And the next day, her friends were like, you're like the fucking, like, they gave me credit that they thought I was- That you were a good guy? That I was a good guy. They were like, you're awesome. Wow.

And I was like, no, I had to take a crazy shit. Yeah, you know why girls do that? Because they're not getting fucked, and they don't want their friend to get fucked. Right. And so they use reverse psychology on you. You're an amazing guy. I got an amazing guy credit. I hope you wait forever.

That's so cool that you left. Not even when you get married. Tell her when you get married, please love her so much. You tell her you want to have sex after you're married. Never. Because it's not about that. Right. It's about real love.

Yeah. Like twilight love. If I had had bowels that were intact, it would have been a different story that night. Bowels? Bowels. had had bowels that were intact, it would have been a different story that night. Bowels? Bowels. Oh, bowels. Yeah. Yeah, there's a time when you know that it's, and the sensitivity of your inner asshole region is amazing.

It is. It knows. Especially when you go to seep out a fart, right? When you're about to cut a fart, and then all of a sudden alarms start going off. You're like, oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. And you got a clamp shot.

You're like, oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. And you got a clamp shut. You're like, oh, Jesus, what is this? We were having this debate yesterday about why are they sometimes hot? Like, why is it hot? And then why do you know that hot's going to smell bad? Spicy food, bro. But is that what it is solely? I don't know. I remember I was telling you guys that one time my freshman year, I didn't take a shit

for a week and a half. I was addicted to steak. I was American cheese, and a ride of french fries. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen to me. How long is that? Ten days? That's a long time, man. How were you alive?

I played freshman ball, and we were playing Patterson Eastside. That's just a jungle of a school. You've got to be careful when you're going there. And we went there to play the christmas tournament wait what kind of ball are we talking right now oh basketball i hadn't taken this for like 10 days i was backed up something i took acid something my stomach i didn't tell nobody in those days i was really scared of doctors and i wouldn't say to nobody and on the way home we got on the bus

and say shit to nobody. And on the way home, we got on the bus. And while we were waiting there, my stomach started hurting. And I said, Jesus Christ, I don't know if I'm going to shit myself or fart, but let me just take a chance. And I blew this fart, Joe Rogan.

That was so bad. Right? We were on a bus, and people started running. You know the school buses? People started running to the windows, right? To swing on a bus and people started running, you know, the school buses, people started running to the windows, right? To swing down the bus windows.

But here's where it gets better. I farted again and the teachers were going, oh my God, he's changing flavors. But the worst,

but the worst, he's changing flavors. But the worst thing was the cheerleaders were crying. That's how bad it smelled. They were sitting in front of the bus going,

Wait a minute. He's changing flavors. One of the teachers yelled out, Oh my God, he's changing flavors. That's how bad these farts were. That's your next t-shirt. Oh my God, he's changing flavors. The whole bus started.

I'll never forget looking at the cheerleaders and they were like, Oh my God, we've never smelled nothing this before it was fucking god-awful. I wrote a blog about one of Joey's farts once Is that on a plane? Yes? Yeah, I think I read that it's called happy pills And it was I was thinking about I was I was looking at this ad It's like this I was looking at this ad for Antidepressants my god, you know, it, some girl dancing around a field of wheat and shit. You know,

those ads. Yeah. I'm good. I was just thinking about what depresses people and how crazy pills are and how crazy, oh, it's still up there.

You can still find it. Anyway, at the end of this, this is a really, like me, we're both, both of us are barbecued.

I don't know what the fuck, what do we eat? Edibles? Some sort of edibles? It was in the beginning. Lollipops. Yeah. Way in the beginning.

We were crucified. Rogan was asleep. Yeah. He was going in and out. But he wrote on the blog, and I don't even have to look at it. That the fart was strong. He's lucky I farted because it was a lot better than the Antonio Banderas movie he was watching. Something to do with Antonio Banderas movie.

I don't remember what it was. I don't remember what it was. But I do remember the lady behind you. I will never forget hearing her over the earphones. Yeah. I hear, oh, my God. There it is. Over the pounding sound in my iPod, I hear a woman in the row behind us cry out, oh my

God. I look over at Joey and he smiles. There's your fucking happy pill right there. You're right. Antonio Banderas. It says right there. Told you. Oh, what was it?

My iPod is moving. Oh, yeah. Teaching underprivileged youth how to salsa. Oh, that's what I was watching. I was watching a terrible movie. Terrible. We both were. And Joey farted the fart of all farts.

Oh, man. Do you remember, by the way? Where I pushed you off the seat? You ever have those farts on the plane where you actually feel your leg? It's like you're in one of those chairs. When you're in a plane and it's going to go down, what's the button you push to throw you off the plane? Oh, the ejector seat.

That's what it was. It like injected me a little bit. He digs his seatbelt into your waist. Oh, my God. It injected me a little bit. He digs his seatbelt into your waist. Oh, my God. It was terrible. But another time I fought. I used to take the number one bus from Jersey City to North Bergen to the high school. And we were on the bus one morning, kids.

And there was a guy reading a paper. I could live to be 100 and never forget this. Reading the Daily News. And he had a connector of drool from his lift to the Daily News and there was a puddle. He was on heroin. They would go to Jersey City those days and get methadone. So they would take the

bus up north with us. So I'm sitting there. He's passed the fuck out. And the drool is connected to the Daily News and there's gotta be just six inches of puddle. This guy's been passed out for 20 minutes. I point my ass at him. I'm not sitting behind him.

I'm sitting across from him, and I lift up my hips a little bit, and I kept my asshole just pointed at him, that even if it wasn't pointed at him, he would ricochet off the chair and go straight into his mouth. He's sitting there and I let a fart go out. I could live to be 80. He lifted his eyes like this first.

Like he went like this first. And he wiped his mouth. And he's like, man, who the fuck farted? He goes, it smelled like something went up somebody's ass and died. And me and my little buddies were like, what, the seventh grade? Yeah, yeah. We're fucking giggling our asses off.

He's like, I should beat the fuck out of whoever farted on this motherfucker. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jesus, man. Fantastic. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. Fantastic. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. This is why I hate people.

This is why I hate when I read posts. You got to give me a second. This is why I hate. This is the reason why I hate when I read posts from people going, Are you sick and tired of blue comedy? Well, come down to the Stanford Feather on Friday night and listen to intelligent comedy.

They call it thought-provoking comedy. And then I think about how many times I'm 54 years old and at night I got a sleep apnea machine on. And there's a little needle in the sleep apnea machine because the hose punches air into your fucking mouth. So there's an escape needle in the sleep apnea machine because the hose punches air into your fucking mouth. So there's an escape valve that's the size of a needle.

Do you know how many nights I will sit there and be half asleep and I'll need to fart and I'll wake up just to fart to see if I can smell the fucking fart come through that hole. Do you? Yes. If it comes through the hole, it's a tremendous fart. I just wake up my wife. I go, honey, you gotta inhale it. It's that

good. I'm 54 years old. That always makes me laugh, Tom Segura. That's why when people say to me, I love thought-provoking comedy. Dog, if it makes you laugh, it's comedy. It's comedy. Stop with the fucking trying to be smart.

You almost hospitalized me one time from laughing so hard. Like, I don't know if you remember this. I'm serious. I don't even know if I could tell it. It was backstage. It was backstage at his show. We were somewhere, and you were like, how's the wife? I go, good.

And I go, you go, go where is she and I said I said some city in Tennessee maybe not so or Nashville and you go Nashville 96 and you started this story about working the club and you're like I just rift in between shows some crazy shit some chick who was talking chick who was talking, there was eight people, there was 20 people for the first show, Knoxville. It was a comedy zone show.

I half booked it. Knoxville's a great little fucking town. Like a cute little Tennessee town. Is it? It's like hip, it's a football,

you know, like a college town. So I get there on Friday night, Joe Rogan, I'm headlining, I got 38 minutes. I just moved to L.A. and I signed with Creative Management

and they booked those rooms. So they were booking me out as a headliner. I was just dying slow of that. So what they did was they put me in one-nighters that paid like $2.75 a night. They weren't bad. Clark, Tennessee. You know.

And we go to this Knoxville for two nights and I go in there and you know me, dog. I'm fucking crazy. First night I go in there, Friday night. There's 20 people for the first show and there's a girl Joe Rogan. That's a 12 With a guy that's a fool Okay, and it's her birthday, you know meanwhile through it. She just turned 21. It's a birthday Okay What's going on here, you know, cuz once you start hearing noise, you have to react to it as a comic.

And you go, what's going on here? You're 21. I said, you're very beautiful. And then she just went and ran with it and started talking about how her husband pimps her out. He would have fights on. And for 20 bucks, you could fuck her in the back room. 20? The fights were on.

Whatever. I don't know. That on Fridays, he would bring her to the construction truck. Oh, my God. He would bring a truck with her to the construction site and put a mattress in the back.

And at lunchtime, he would let her friends... And she's telling me this. It's like she's talking and people are like... Like, just holding their breaths. Like, what is going on here? This girl is beautiful

and this retard is just pimping it. So in between shows, I go upstairs to do a line or smoke a joint or whatever the fuck I'm doing. When I come back, I see her by herself. And we start talking. What's going on? Oh, my God, I had such a great time. I go, is that stuff true? And she goes, yeah.

I go, show me the monkey. And she took me in the woman's bathroom Pull down her pants the girl had a monkey that was spotless She nearly stunk. I ate it. I fingered her some and then she sucked my dick. That was it I went back to my room. I didn't think nothing of it. I'm like Jesus Christ I scored I go back for the second show there's eight people but by the time I go back for the second show Joe Rogan She's sitting in the back. She's 21 and she's looking at me like this she's up and 10 minutes into my spot said because i was headlining she starts going i sucked the comedian's dick tonight and the husband

was like what are you talking about and she's like i sucked his dick and he came in my mouth he's like what the are you talking about the cops had to hold him back and he's like, I sucked his dick. And he came in my mouth. He's like, what the fuck are you talking about? The cops had to hold him back. And he's like, I want my $40. That's all he wanted. He didn't care that his wife sucked my dick at this comedy bathroom. When the cops came, he kept saying, man, somebody's going to get hurt if I don't have my $40. That's a $40 blowjob. Did you come in her mouth?

Because if I would have come, it would have been like $20. All he cared about was the $40 blowjob. Did you come in her mouth? Because if I would have come, it would have been like $20. All he cared about was the $40, dog. So he told me that backstage at your show. Oh, my God. And I fucking started hyperventilating. $40 for his wife. This is the world of comedy, ladies and gentlemen. This is the world of comedy ladies and gentlemen, this is the world of crazy fucking comedy

You think that's crazy She's crying some of the husband his wife and said, you know, it's not he didn't care He just wanted the $40 for the blowjob. I didn't give it to him. He's got rules. You've got to give him that. He's got like a line in the sand. This is crazy shit. He's got a number. $40. Comedy is a fucking crazy animal.

When you sit at home at night and you think about all the shit we've seen, we've learned a lot. I don't think I ever laughed as hard. Well, that's probably the second time right there. On that road, we've learned a lot of things. You learn a lot of things about human beings. You learn a lot of things about human beings you learn a lot of things about individuals you learned some i remember i did uh american home it's a uh uh armed forces place in idaho it's part of the triple run as soon as i walked in and i had to go meet do a sound check everybody kept looking at me going hi how are you have you met sandy yet and I go no and

they go and then walk away you ever see uh what's the movie with eddie murphy when he with boomerang yeah when he goes to the black chick's house it's 80 and the butler keeps laughing remember the butler would go you have to she wants to see you in the kitchen he would go because she knew he was gonna she was gonna rape him so every time somebody would refer to shirley they go have you met shirley and you go no and they go oh and they'd walk away well shirley whoever the captain of that base was the head of the base she was his wife and if a band came to town or a comedian came to town, she blew. That's it.

That was the rule. And he would sit out there with his fucking military on with all his shit and clap. And she'd be in the back, Zucala Mink, for the whole band. I mean, this is crazy. So I didn't know about this. She came over and started talking to me. And then she started talking, oh, you're Cuban? I dated a Cuban one time.

He had such a big dick. Do you have a big dick? I mean, it was that quick. It was that quick. Like, she started talking to me. And then she started talking, oh, you're Cuban. I dated a Cuban one time. He had such a big dick. Do you have a big dick? I mean, it was that quick. What? It was that quick. Like, she just gets to it. She's like 50. I was maybe like 31.

She was maybe 50. Wow. And she just dropped behind the curtain, took the hammer out, and started suing all of me. I'm sitting there minding my own business. And all of a sudden, somebody comes yelling for her. Shirley, Shirley, Shirley. Now, usually, Shirley would get up and stop sucking your dick. Not Shirley. She moved

her knees like I had knee on belly. You know when somebody puts knee on belly? You're supposed to move this way. That's what she did with her knees. She kept sucking and just kept moving this way. I tried to take it out of her mouth. She wouldn't let it. She's like, no, no, no. Bro, she wouldn't stop till,

I mean, and they're like, Shirley, we're looking for you out here. Man. This is crazy shit. I can't, I'm overstimulated. I feel like I need psychiatric treatment right now. And an IV. Just finish that fucking drink, all right?

Oh my God. Succa la mink is the greatest thing anyone's ever said. That is the best word of all time. Mink God. Succa la mink is the greatest thing anyone's ever said. That is the best word of all time. Minkia juice, succa la mink. Succa la mink. Boy, it's minkia. But when they say succa, they cut it short. What is the word?

What does it mean? Minkia means suck my dick. Minkia in the dialect of Italian. Succa means suck. Right, okay. You know, it's so weird how the more you go. This is Italian, Sicilian. Really?

So the deeper you go down the boot, the more, is it closer to Spain or is it farther from Spain? The closer Italy is from Spain, when people from that area speak Italian, I don't care how fast they're talking, they can't put the wool over me, because I can pick up every four words. Oh, right. So Sicilians say, suca. What's suck in Spanish? Chupa. Chupa. You're in the neighborhood? Right. Succa la mink. When they say, succa la minkia, like,

you know, what are you going to do today? I don't know, I'm going to go out and get my minkia sucked. But succa la mink is just a short. That's your second shirt of this show. Succa la minkia suck. But su cala minkia is just a short. That's your second shirt of this show. Su cala minkia? Sure. And then you got minkia juice. It comes at you however you want it.

Cheers. Cheers. When you hear those Latin languages, like you hear Spanish and you hear Italian, those languages seem like a let's have fun language. You know, everything has got a thing to it. It's got a rhythm. There's a way to talk. It is fun, yeah.

It's fun to listen to. You hear them talk, yeah. Especially not really knowing anything about what they're saying. I can pick up like one out of a hundred words, maybe, right? Yeah. And so I hear them talking and I'm like, well, which one was that? But it's, so for me, it's almost just like hearing the rhythm of them talking. Yeah.

It's like a fun, sort of a smooth, relaxed. Buongiorno, signor professor. Yeah. When I get you an espresso, you know, they talk to you and it's very hard Yeah, all the gestures too. Yeah hand gestures. Yeah, you can always tell when a latin person Like across a room. Yeah, just by their hand gestures and they start, you know, grazie mille grazie mille Like this just hearing there's a lot of plea. Yeah, how long did it take you? How long do you think it takes you for you just to get the, like if you're in France

for a week. Yeah. Like it takes you three days just to get the, like I'm not going to learn French in three days, but it must take you three days to get the jib. I wonder. If you're a new French. Like if they come up to you and ask you what you want from the menu, like after you go to nine restaurants.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. You know, three days. You get you go to nine restaurants. Yeah, yeah, you're right. You know, three days. You get a little something, yeah. Yeah, you get a little something. Especially if you have like a Latin root, though. You know? Like you're comfortable with it. Does it ever bother you when you hear stories about Americans going to like Paris

and like the Parisians thinking the Americans were dicks, the Americans like acting like assholes, the people from Paris. What is that? How did that whole rumor get started? The loud American? Yeah, how did that whole U.S. versus Paris thing? You remember when they wouldn't call things French fries?

They were calling them Freedom Fries. That was Bush era, right? Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah. It was the Freedom Fries. It's always like the French. There's always some weird right-wing punchline about the French. How much interaction do you ever have with it?

At this point, for me, it's inherited. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think it's every country. Remember that episode of Sopranos when they went to Italy? Yeah. And Paulie asked the chef, can I get some red sauce? He's like I want red sauce marinara and the guy looked at the other guy he goes If you think these Germans are classless

You know I'm saying like look at this guy here. Yeah, like they all have Every country must have something towards Yeah, I hear that we're hated across the world But then well a person like you or you traveling you go no pro people are very nice yeah they are nice if you are nice and i think that's universal people are nice if you're nice yeah pretty thoughtful people appreciate it pretty much everywhere people are nice if you're nice you know and and the way you are changes the way they are you know like if you

run into someone and maybe they're a little bit defensive but you're openly friendly a lot of times they'll relax that whereas if you run into someone and they're sort of defensive and you're aggressive with them then it ramps up and the whole thing becomes like some sort of a weird ego disaster. Same person, different person interacting with them, saying the same words. The whole thing about people and the way we talk to each other, there's no one person responsible for an argument. Most of the time it comes from both sides. And how you interact with people,

even if you feel like you did nothing wrong, is a lot of times like a big part of how the conversation started shaping itself. People don't want, everybody wants everything to be black or white, right?

It's either like if you got in an argument with a dude, it's his fault or it's your fault. But it could easily be both. It could easily be like just a mismanaged situation. You might have been coming there because there might have been some fucking problem that they were supposed to fix on your car and they didn't.

And you're in your car headed to the comedy store and you're like, this motherfucker. And the light starts going on again. You're like, God damn it. And you get there You're already a little bit ramped up, and you run into someone and then you're already coming at them at like a six And if you get an interaction with them about like hey, man you think I get in front of you I gotta go somewhere like fuck you man right that could happen Telly does you don't know that's right. You don't know that's why I does, right? You don't know. That's why I've always, at 21, I learned a very important lesson in life.

You don't know what that guy's going through today. No one does, right? It's hard to remember sometimes. Before you give that dirty guy the finger and cut him off, you don't know if his wife just left him, his kid just told him she was a lesbian, you know, this is probably... As long as she's got a girlfriend. He does have a fucking gun in his car. You don't know what somebody's going through.

Right. You have no idea what's on their mind coming up to you. You know, one of the most genius things I ever heard was that the great Carlo Gambino never answered his own door. He always had his wife answer the door. Whoa. he always had his wife answer the door. Because no matter how mad a mobster came over, no matter how, like he just got off the phone with this fucking guy and he won't give me 10 kilos, Carlo's going to resume this.

No matter how mad I came into the house, his wife would stop you, make you sit down and give you an espresso and give you a biscotte and talk to you. So by the time you got into Carlo, you were slowed down. You could think. He was very smart that way. That's beautiful. He did that on purpose.

His wife was like everybody's mom. One of those ladies that you go, ah, hi, how are you? Come in. That's why it's not good for everybody if men get together for long periods of time. And to me, so. That's why it's not good for everybody if men get together for long periods of time. I think that people should, anybody who's involved with customer service should take some type of something to calm people down. Like people who work at an airport.

Right. You know, there's got to be a system how to slow somebody down. That's a brilliant system. Having a wife that's like a very nice person that sits you down. Sl slow somebody down. That's a brilliant system. Having a wife that's like a very nice person that sits you down. Slows you down. It's very calm. Nurturing. Talks to you. And you realize like, listen, this is what's important.

This is kind of friendship here. Like half of the issues that people get into, it's a perspective issue. Right. It's like, especially if you're like a mobster and you think someone's fucking you over and you're like, where's my fucking money? And you sit down. Like, come on. Pers like a mobster and you think someone's fucking you over and you're like, oh, you know, where's my fucking money? And you sit down. Like, come on. Perspective issue.

Yeah. It's most of what it is. It's like, how are you looking at your relationship? Are you trying to fuck this person over? Are you trying to work together in harmony? Yeah. If you're just trying to work together in harmony, how better to work out? We all travel.

We ever have a bad travel day and we get to a hotel and we're fucking furious but that little lady at the counter made us laugh and forget all about what just happened true and she'll even do something that'll change your whole outlook for the day like she'll go oh by the way I knew you were delayed

we told the kitchen to save you spaghetti and meatballs and you're like you bad motherfucker, you. Wow. You know, so that's, I like when that happens. I love when I'm furious and I walk into a hotel and somebody slows me down and talks to me. It's really cool when people have that. That's a gift, by the way.

To actually slow somebody down and be able to touch them and go, hey, man, it's going to be fine. Come here. Let me take you. To detract them. Yeah. If you have a business, you have a customer service representative, someone who meets people at the door, that person has an amazing personality, that shit is worth a lot of money. Oh, yeah.

It's worth a lot of money. You can't coach it. You can't train it. Yeah. Whether it's a guy or a girl. And I've met them on both sides. You know? Yeah.

You meet people that work in a certain place where you look forward to going back to that place to saying hi to that guy. Because that guy's just super cool. You're like, what's up? What's up, man? And, like, you've made, like, a legitimate friendship with this person. And that's possible, too, you know? This idea that we all have to be constantly at odds with each other. And I think even, even like security people like when i see when i'm in a restaurant or a bar or a sporting event

and i see a security guy there's what's that word there's a situation yeah without throwing a punch especially when a person oh a good one yeah especially when a person's drunk listen i can talk to you when you're sober right once you got four cocktails on you, I'm going to talk to you once and my patience level is done. Yeah. You know, it's fucking done. But there's some people who stay calm and they go, we know, man. Yeah. Let's just take a walk over here and talk about it and you fall for it.

Next thing you know, you're out. Right. No matter if your girlfriend's with some other guy, you know, they come rushing into a bar. And there's people who are tremendous at that. That's a great gift. You know, they would come rushing into a bar. And those people were tremendous at that. That's a great gift. You know who could do that shit? Big John McCarthy. Big John McCarthy is the best at, like, separating shit.

When shit goes sideways in the octagon. Isn't he an ex-police officer? Fuck yeah, he is. And he's a giant. Yeah, he's a giant. I mean, he's a big dude. He's a black belt in jujitsu. And when shit gets weird inside the octagon the cop in him comes out yeah like a people if there's some

chaos like some crazy shit he puts a fucking halt to that no more yeah those guys are important man it's important to have people like that no that is a skill. It is. It's a giant skill. And also be a good guy, which he also is. Right. Like, Big John McCarthy's a hell of a human. By the way, formally, congrats on 1,000, man. That's really awesome. Listen. Amazing. Thanks to you guys.

Party started. Thanks to you guys. It's really incredible, man. It's probably more, right? I think it's like 1,043 It's probably more, right? I think it's like 1,043 or something. Probably. Yeah, real ridiculous. There's a bunch of other named ones,

Fight Companions, Fight Breakdowns. I would never, ever dream when you started doing these. Me neither. That they would have the impact that they have. Yeah, let's just keep that shit known, Void. I just remember you, like, fucking saying, like, people want to hear this. I remember him calling me up to the

room and me yelling at Joe one night, going, are you fucking crazy? I'm gonna fuck his home on a Friday night. 13-year-old, just take that shit off! Take that shit off while I'm smoking pot! We were in the green room at the Punchline. No, no, Cobbs. No, this was somewhere else.

Was it? Wait, this is doing a podcast? Me, him, and Red Band. One of the first podcasts we did was off this thing called Justin.TV. Yeah. Justin.TV. And we did it in green rooms. And we did them back when there were cellular modems.

So you'd be streaming. There wasn't a lot of Wi-Fi back then. So we'd be streaming from a cell phone like a lot of wi-fi back then so we'd be streaming from like a cell phone hookup yeah it was terrible like real pixelated stuff but we were like this could be fucking weird to have people like watch us get ready in the green room talking to the camera yeah it'd be bizarre so we decided to do a few of those but joey was like get this fucking thing away from me. But that was a different Joey Diaz back then.

You were still uncomfortable. It was funny, but that was the thing that set you free. That was the thing that let people know who you are. At the beginning, when he was like, hey, weren't you also like, what the fuck are you doing right now? No, no, no. I was like, are you like a bird caller kind of guy or something? I thought it was like one of those weird things you know what I mean, things that people do. And I was like, a bird caller? You know what I mean?

Like, what are you talking about, man? He was very into it. Yeah. And when he did it, he would be on there at night. And I just didn't like it. I didn't know. But then Dane Cook became a megastar with MySpace. Yeah.

And everybody and their mother went on MySpace. But that was before me But they were not they cook day was doing yeah Yeah, they just thought by going on myspace and going I got free tickets tonight Yeah, that that was gonna work Dane cook was communicating with them true and people would see the communication and go wow We could have live interaction But Dane was doing that way before me he was doing that that on MySpace in like 2002 or something like that, right? Wasn't it?

Pretty early on, yeah. But about in 2003, we'll check the lineup. We'll check the old calendars. We did the 4th of July weekend in Irvine. And I'll never forget that I said to you, do you have radio? And you go, I have no radio. I'm a little panicked. And that Thursday when we got down there,

the whole weekend was sold out. And that's when I said, Joe Rogan's on to something with that fucking computer. Like, fuck this shit. Because my philosophy was, do you think Richard Pryor would go home at four in the morning, coked up and get on fucking Facebook?

That was my thing at that time. Do you really fucking think that fucking Richard Pryor's gonna go home and get on MySpace? So I was opposed to it. But once I saw five sold-out shows in Irvine, the old Irvine, when it was known that if you didn't do radio,

nobody's gonna show up there those days. That was it. That was it to me. That was what made me a believer that there's something there. Yeah. It's amazing the range of people that come up to me about your show. You know? Like all types of fucking pilots, fighters.

I've had like amateur fighters, professional fighters. The range of people that are interested in your show. You know what I mean? It's a really wide range of people. It's fascinating. Like it's really reached a lot of people, man. You're freaking me out, man. Why? I was in Burbank the other day, okay? To get a haircut. A week ago. Alright. You know me, dog. I went to jujitsu and had a half hour to kill. So before the haircut, I just smoked a joint.

I was in my car on Magnolia Boulevard up the block from Porto's, which is fucking packed. And I opened up the sunroof and I just started smoking a joint before the haircut. And I put a piece of gum in my mouth and I actually walked to the crosswalk to walk across the street. And there was a lady holding a kid with another one in her thing. And she looked at me, and when she looked at me, I go, fuck, this lady smells me. You know, when you don't have a child, you don't give a fuck about reefer. But when you have a child and you see a mom with a child, you feel kind of fucking sorry, man. I didn't say nothing to her.

She looked at me and she goes, oh, my God. With the kid in her thing and with the stroller, she looked at me and she goes, blue cheese with your, oh, fuck your mother. I loved it. I'm from Buffalo. I looked at her and she just kept walking. But it was like the type of woman that wouldn't say that to me.

With the kid and the pusher She goes blue cheese with wings to go fuck your mother. I love you. I just kept walking. Whoa. Oh my god. Amazing man What what about this? I went to Sacramento and families with kids. It's fucking crazy But the realm of the people why they come up. And TSA, don't forget about TSA. TSA, but the realm of people and the reasons why they come to you. That's what I'm saying. That's what's interesting. That's what's always killed me. Like, I've been around for 20 years, and what made

you come to my show is I told a story about taking a shit in somebody's backyard. I loved it. We laughed like you're like, oh my god yeah that's what you know when somebody comes up to me it's always they came to a show for something different i said on here yeah you know that's really weird it's amazing and uh like you said the contrast it's not just a six foot guy no it's everything stero a guy. It's a mom with a baby and a stroller

I was saying I love that. I have people that so want me to like give you things. It's so annoying They're like because they always start With like trying to flatter me and like trying that they're like, dude, I think you're fucking hilarious. I go. Thanks, man I love your shit. I listen to it all i listen to it on the way to work every day and i'm like oh thanks a lot and they're like yeah man it's so funny like i love this bit and that bit and i'll be like it's very nice of you man thank you very much like and i listen to your podcast and i fucking love it it's so fucking funny i'm like thank you and then they're like hey would you give this to joe that's their their whole thing like did you think because you told me

all those compliments i'm gonna be your messenger and they'll be like no i mean just like if you could give it to them okay sure i get this request every other week what kind of weird shit that's always fucking packages and envelopes yeah i don't open them, man. They go right in the trash. I tell him to send them directly to you. Like the cup. Don't even tell him to do that. He gave me two cups. I gave one to Alberto and I gave the other one to you.

This is a highly ineffective way to communicate with people. Just sending them shit. I, uh... People think that I want to have shit in my car. Like, hey, give this to Tom. Like, I'm going to have this in my fucking car. Bro, I got the newest, latest bong. It's totally different than any other bong.

First of all, you can drop it out of an airplane. It will not break. It's military grade. Bro, this is the bong. The bong to end all bongs. The catastrophe. Apocalypto. You've had this pitch. End of the world bong. Bro, this bong is made out of the same shit that Wolverine's claws are made of.

There's a closet in my office that I slide open. And I cannot tell you, I must have 300 black t-shirts from different- Bands and shit. Bands and shit. Restaurant. I got every, I mean, look at me. I got every protein powder and fuel and energy thing that you could give me.

Look at me. People come to shows and give me, I got more gis than most jiu-jitsu schools. Yeah. That's how many gis are given to me and mailed to me. I have to mail them back. My wife says if I see one more fucking beat, I will throw that shit out. It's just amazing. And you have albums? Because people know I like vinyl. I come home with vinyl every fucking week.

Really? Some of it is fucking atrocious, but some of it is fantastic. I listen to everything. You do? Do you have a hard time chucking out old shit? I feel bad for people. I understand that they've worked for it. And I understand that they went out of their way for it. But if I haven't seen Duncan in six months and I got a Buddhist candle, it goes in the garbage. Like once Duncan moved to New York, I threw all Duncan's shit in the garbage.

I only save mushrooms and MDMA for Ari. People come up to me and give me heavy drugs for Ari. Like, give this to Ari. I will bring it back on the plane for Ari because he's my brother. You know, what they come and get, some guy about a month ago gave me a book about stars. Oh, Jesus.

But when I looked, he was the author. That gets tossed. If they're the author, that gets tossed. Remember when that guy gave me that book and I showed it to you, like, How to Be a Real Man? And he wrote it? Yes. And one of his rules was be 40. How to Be a Real Man.

He was just like the dumbest. We went over it on your podcast yes we did man yeah and that guy for a long time he gave that to like a bunch of us we arrived in hong kong he was like here's this book i wrote and then we look at it it's him on the cover and it's all glossy and he's in it he's like looking off to the side that was when i first did your podcast yeah i think you're right the first time i did it. Yeah. How many years ago was that? That was probably, well, we started it seven years ago, but that was probably five years ago.

God. Yeah. I do get a lot of neat shit, though. Oh, yeah. I do get a lot of neat shit. No, so that's cool. I'm talking about when the pipe that you have at the studio. Who made that thing?

A kid in Cleveland. God damn, that thing is good. I get great books sent to me. I mean Phenomenal money books. I'm reading one right now. This is the creepiest thing Oh the three lives of Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin. Oh that motherfucker traveled with a 14 year old girl, bro Never got charged with statutory rape really just traveled to the world for a year jesus she was just a runaway on the on the tour like crazy talk is that true you know talking about his house and uh in uh where he lived he bought it from alex took it was

alex to crowley's all house a 24-karat warlock he He was like the fucking devil and shit. He lived in his house. And, you know, for some people, it was like a way to sell records. Not for those four. Those four were onto something magical. You know, they were magical. Nine albums.

But this book kind of like, I got to put it down for two days at a time sometimes. Really? Yeah, he's a fucking nut. That's what it's called. The Three Lives. Look at it. The? Yeah, he's a fucking nut. That's what it's called, the three lives. Look at it. The 10 wildest Led Zeppelin legends.

Guys, read this shit. Scroll this shit down, Joe Rogan. He dated a 14-year-old girl. That's fucking crazy, man. The truth, Maddox was amazing, just 14 when she met Paige, though Paige did what he could to keep the relationship hidden.

Whoa, that's true. That's crazy. Wow. That's weird. He was crazy. When they shoved a little, what they shoved, an octopus, a baby shark up a chick's pussy.

That's so weird, man. You could do that back then, right? Like you could do weird shit back then. Yeah. It makes you stop and think. Like, what that is is just the beginning of the information age, right? Newspapers, regularly distributed television shows on the news. All that stuff was only like a few decades old when the 60s and the 70s rolled around.

I mean, you really think about the timeline there. It's really kind of fascinating. Do you ever think about the jump in technology from like, you know, like you know how it cites that there's no Us Weekly there, right? Right. So things kind of advance and now everything's monitored. And now, for instance, you can record a phone call, right, which is like would be a difficult thing to do back

Then or you can have a recorder running on you. Do you ever think about how? That lack you know the privacy goes away, and how to some degree we can't even conceive of it right now, but how? Easy it will be to record everything at some point like how it'll you know we joked like it's in your watch Or it's in your watch or it's in your glasses but it will be like yeah you'll walk out of every conversation and there will be some some form to document it yeah it'd be a total loss there's gonna be there's gonna be some changes i don't necessarily agree i don't i'm not convinced i should say not. I'm not convinced, I should say, not agree. I'm not convinced that they're going to be bad. To do that.

Yeah. I wonder what's gained through this kind of privacy. Now, I'm not talking about privacy like corporations or the government being able to look into your life. I'm talking about we might get to a position as human beings within our lifetime where everybody looks into everything about everybody. Everything. Right. Finances, your day-to-day life. Everything's just revealed.

Sexually. Yeah. Seeing you everywhere you go, no matter what you do. We could get to a position where there's no disconnection from any of us. Where we're all connected to each other. If this keeps going the way it goes, right? So it used to be everybody lived far apart, and you had to ride a horse to get to the friend,

say hi, and talk to him, and hopefully he was still alive when you came back the next day. But there was no communication. Then it got to phone calls. As things have ramped up, and now it's in your phone, and now your phone's in your watch, and now your watch can tell you who's calling you, and you can look at your phone and see the person. Star Trek type shit. Already happening, right?

Yeah. And it's going to get deeper and deeper and deeper. People are streaming, live streaming, live streaming Facebook, no matter what they do all day. There's a slew of people playing video games, live streaming, live streaming Facebook, no matter what they do all day. There's a slew of people playing video games, live streaming. People are tuning in, watching other people play video games. I mean, we're getting like deeper and deeper into this technological rabbit hole where it becomes embedded in your life in a way that was unimaginable before it was introduced. Same thing as cell phones.

Before cell phones were introduced, who would have ever believed if you told them that you were going to get to a point in human history where it is totally common to see people staring at electronic screens while they're all sitting together at a dinner table? That there could be five people sitting around and they're not even talking to each other. They're just staring at this electronic screen

and that screen is compelling. You know it. I know it. I get drawn to it. You get drawn to it. Who knows, man? Might be some crazy news. Let me check Google real quick.

You never know. You never know what weird shit has been happening in the world, and you get sucked into this. This thing is becoming a part of your life in a weird way that nobody anticipated. If it keeps going in the direction that it's going, it's going to get weirder in a weird way that nobody anticipated if it keeps going in the direction that it's going it's going to get weirder in a way we never anticipated before where it's not going to be just as simple as put your phone down and go outside it's going to be your phone's a part of you it's going to happen your phone's almost a part of you now if you have to have it like i am connected to this goddamn thing more than I touch my dog Right total I love my dog, but I touch that thing more than I touch my dog

It's weird you want to pretend it's not a part of me man I could just put it right there so it's right there. It's right there. Don't go anywhere. I got you right here That's basically a part of me. It's basically a part of me how long before I let them open me up Still maybe there's a spot in my armpit. I don't even use this little spot. There's a great short about that. There's a great short film about that. Is there? Yes.

What's it called? I don't remember the name of it, but it ends up under the guy's skin. It's going to happen. It's really good. I wish I knew the name of it. I wish I knew the name of it to stay away from this fucking thing. I charge in a different room at night. The iPad I bought to write, no fucking Facebook, Twitter, or nothing.

That's good. Neil Brennan, tweet that shit. You write on an iPad? I bought an iPad, bro. Do you have, like, one of those little keyboard things you connect to it? I bought the keyboard with the case. You like that? Bro, it's changed my life.

I used to have three hours of just shit time a day that it's not enough to work out. So what do you write in notes? You use a notes program what do you yeah i just write in fucking notes and if i don't like the joke that night i go back and add the tag really you know what's real good have you ever tried evernote no evernote is real good it allows you to use pictures all kinds of different things isn't it black out everything else um no no that's a different thing that's's a write room. But Evernote, if you write things, like the things you want to remember, maybe before sets, you can write them down in Evernote

and then sync them from your iPad to your phone back and forth. It's really good. It's one that I use all the time. I just got this iPad Pro three weeks ago, and it's changed my life. Yeah. That's it. Changed my life. I could give a fuck about Twitter, Facebook, nothing.

When I go to that coffee shop to write, it's just that program. I have everything else in there, but I haven't even programmed. I have the apps in there. I got my fitness plan in there. I got BJJ Training Journal in there, and that's it. That's it. You know what I think about the internet, man? I think about the internet like I think about foods that are sweet.

Like, you can have them as long as you don't have too much. Too much. Don't get crazy. That's how I feel about even going online. I think we're getting to this weird point where we're just relinquishing our consciousness to this machine. Relinquishing our consciousness to this connection that we all enjoy. It's not our consciousness to this machine, relinquishing our consciousness to this connection that we all enjoy. It's not our consciousness.

It's the consciousness we're all sharing about a certain topic. We all have to interject on what we think about Charleville or about Trump or stuff like that. There's days you get on Facebook and Twitter and you're fucking sad. You get sad.

You get sad for people. I make it a habit. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday is no reason to be on the internet. You get sad. Like, you get sad for people. Yeah. Okay, I make it a habit. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday there's no reason to be on the internet. You have a life. You stay away from it? There's no reason. The shows are sold out.

Your family's at home. What are you going to go on there and tell them? This is my cheeseburger? Yeah. I give a fuck. So on the weekends, I don't touch it. I force myself. Don't touch it. For what? You have to have a life, man? Yeah. I give a fuck. So on the weekends, I don't touch it. I force myself. Don't touch it. For what?

You have to have a life, man. Yeah. We are forgetting that there's a life. You ever go to a park and look at these fucking parents looking at their phones? You go to a park with your kids, don't you? Yeah. I don't take my phone out of the car at the park. There's no... Who's gonna call you?

Your manager? Yeah. What are they gonna tell you? What are they gonna tell you? They change the spot at the park. There's no, who's going to call you? Your manager? What are they going to tell you? What are they going to tell you? They change the spot at the store from 1015 to 1030. If you're with your kid and your wife, you don't need your phone. You really don't. Joey, you got to get into floating, man. How come you don't float? Because I smoke pot and I think of this shit on my own.

Yeah, but it's different. That's why. It's not what you think it is. I get it. I get anxieties. Yeah, but it's different. That's why. It's not what you think it is. I get anxieties. Yeah, but I know you'll be fine. Becky works at the place in Pasadena. Uh-huh.

And we've been talking a lot about it. I'm really scared about these little dabs of anxiety that I get from time to time. You'll be fine. Listen, it's good for your health. No, I know it's good for my health, but when I go give blood, like the other day I had to go give blood.

No problem. Wait, does weed make you more anxious or less anxious? It smoothens it out. Okay, so. When it comes to certain things, I have to see a window. Like it's really weird that right now there's not a window in here, but I see that fucking door. Like when I walk up the steps at the original room

and I get anxiety when a comic's on stage, it could be an open mic when I'm next and I start getting this shortness of breath. I have to turn around and look down the stairs at the comedy store just by me knowing that I could get out. If shit goes down, I'm okay. So I don't think a fucking tub's got windows, a floating tank. They seal that thing over your head.

No, they don't seal it. It's just got a door. So that's what I'm a little scared of. It's really easy. I'm not claustrophobic either. I was in a cell. None of that shit bothers me. I just got to see a window.

Yeah. Well, listen, it's real easy. Like, when you lie in it, it's right there. You just lift your hand up, and it's right there. The door's right there. No, we have to. You stand up. You open the door.

It's all in your head. You know, look what happened yesterday in Spain and Barcelona. What a fucking shame. You can't connect terrorist attacks to isolation attacks that quickly. But let me ask you a question, Joe Rogan. I don't even know how that happened. Let me ask you a question, my brother. Okay.

You're an intelligent individual. You're an intelligent individual, Tom Segura. Jamie. Yes. You're not a fucking Phi Beta Kappa, but you know I love you. Jamie might be the smartest guy in the room. I know. I'm justura. Jamie. Yes. You're not a fucking five beta Kappa, but you know Jamie might be the smartest guy in the room. I'm just teasing you Jamie How many people were looking down when they got hit by that car yesterday? That's let's be honest. Well, I could that could 65 people got hit but you know, well, that's you know, people wandering through

We should start paying attention as Americans. You cannot live in that fucking thing no more. We cannot. It's not smart. It's not smart to be walking around staring at it. All fucking day. But sometimes you have to look at it. All day. You know, there's times where, like, someone sends you an address,

and you're meeting people there. Then there's times you catch yourself. You're like, what am I doing right now? What am I doing? I'm surfing. All three of us have children. Do we want our children to grow up on a fucking computer? Do we want them to have life experiences?

Both. They're going to grow up on computers. You're not going to avoid it. No, I want them to grow up on computers, but I don't want that whole lifestyle to be on a computer. I want them to go outside. I want them to get dirty. I want them to have life experiences. The only way you learn about life is sometimes by having a negative something negative happening

So true then these children that are on a computer to the 18, and they send them away, and they fucking fracture Yeah, they fracture. We're it's a different time now for children guys, and we're parents. It's a different time It's way different It's different in a way that I don't think anybody's ever seen before so they don't know what the fuck to do They won't know what the fuck to do. Tom's got a pee ha ha look how slim he is. He looks beautiful beautiful Sex I try to keep it as normal as I can I Try to keep it as normal as I can I never want to forget who the fuck I am Joe Rogan Well you won't and I don't want to forget it for my children and my daughter.

You won't. You know, I don't want them. The other day I was driving home, okay, and I saw a little girl selling lemonade with her mom on the corner. It was 2,000 degrees in Studio City. I pull up to my house. I go inside. I get my daughter and I get my wife.

I go, let's go buy some lemonade from this kid all right my daughter's going to kindergarten next year at a school that's like rated one of the highest schools but it's a public school perch kids go there a bunch of kids go there's no reason to put your kid in these notre dames and all these 25 000 they want 34 000 a year for kindergarten. What? Come on, Joe Rogan. How is your child going to benefit? Come on, we're all intelligent here. $34,000, Monarch, Notre Dame, all those schools in the Valley, they want 30 Gs, 2G registration form

to sign your kid in. Really, Joe Rogan? People want to keep their kids safe. No, it's not safe. You can tell your friends that your kid's at fucking that school. That's what my little bit of that is That's a night. Oh, no Kids attend and you're like Oh my god, and you're kidding them to be a fucking dummy because he's in school with other rich people's fucking kids

Yeah, they're all fucking dummies to you know, they're getting raised by fucking nannies. I Don't want that. I don. I go to the park. How many fucking white kids do you see with Mexican women? Ain't that a fucking shame that all these Mexican women are abducting white kids? That's fucked up. That's why they didn't want Trump to build a wall. Because they have to raise their own fucking kids. That's fucked up.

That's fucked up. That's why these white people didn't want Mexicans to go. Especially in California Who's gonna raise their fucking kids? Oh Jesus Go to a swimming class I go to a swimming class Tuesdays and Thursdays

With my daughter Jump in the fire There's no white parents With their kids Their nannies Are in the fucking YMCA With their kids When your kid grows up

And he's What's his name? Michael Vanapolo Michael Yiannopoulos Yes When he's one of those Fucking motherfuckers. Don't come crying to me.

Don't come crying to me. And let me tell you something. I sucked a pacifier when I was six. I was raised to be a little cocksucker, but I snapped out of it somewhat. Did you know that? When my father died, I was one of those little boys you see with their mom holding onto their leg.

Don't go. I was one of those little fucking faggy kids. Okay? I sucked a pacifier to the age of six. Oh, my God. Okay? I had potential to be one thing. One fucking thing. You understand me?

But my mother would not allow that shit to happen. Latin mothers don't play that shit. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Latin mothers do not allow that shit. I couldn't wear scarves. You know I was allowed to wear a scarf. You wanted to wear a scarf? Like what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Latin mothers do not allow that shit. I couldn't wear scarves. You know I was allowed to wear a scarf. You wanted to wear a scarf?

Like a Snoopy scarf? Like, you know, like... Like I was in a plane. Like I was going to go fly a plane scarf. Or what's it like one of those Randy Couture scarves, which, although I wouldn't wear, I think on him is quite fetching. No, no scarves, no.

You ever see the Randy Couture scarf? No. Yeah, Randy Couture, well what I would call a tactical scarf. Oh, like that. Yeah, yeah. See, that's the kind of scarf that a Navy SEAL would wear. Yeah, PLO style. Randy wears a bunch of those things.

But Randy's such a bad motherfucker, it's almost like he's begging you to try to choke him with that thing. Fuck yeah, man. Like, come try to grab that thing. Yeah, yeah. I just leave a handle laying around my neck. That should be the name of that thing. Yeah. Right here. I just leave a handle laying around my neck. That should be the name of that album right there.

That should be his album cover. Come try to grab the scarf, bitch. Come try to get the scarf, bitch. You know what the thing about Crazy? He's such a nice guy. Oh, Randy's a great guy.

He's such a approachable. Yeah. He'll talk to you about anything. You know what? And his kid, his kid came to my show in Vegas and also has like a a

gym there coolest coolest kid man like uh him and his wife i think both teach there too oh wow nice nice family man his son his son is yeah his son uh i think he was fighting in the world series of fighting which is now now as a new name but, he fought for a bunch of different people, right? Didn't he fight for Strikeforce? And I think he might have fought for Bellator. Ryan Couture, talented fighter. Hey, while we're at it, don't forget to remind you, has fucking Gino given you the CBD roll on yet? Yes.

What do you think? It's amazing. How does that even work? Is that voodoo? Dog, the other night I came home, I couldn't move. Squirted like a cream? You rub it on like spots that are sore? No, shit, my wife moves it on my fucking back.

Really? I get out of the shower, done. It gets in weird spots. Yeah, done. It must have some sort of anti-inflammatory properties or something like that. Do you like that Thai liniment? Anybody ever rub that stuff on you? No, I never know.

Like Thais, like Thai boxers and shit. You got to realize they're always dealing with bones slamming into Like ties, like tie boxers and shit. You gotta realize they're always dealing with bones slamming into their legs. They're all sore and shit. And they rub this like tie liniment. It's weird. It's weird. It's smelly stuff. I don't think it heals them, man, but it makes sure it feels good.

What's the one the Chinese use? Oh, that's a similar one. Tiger balm? No, they have another thing that's called something juice. And when I was a kid, I used to have the iron palm bag. And I would rub that on my hands and do the iron palm technique and shit with that. It's called something. It has a weird smell to it.

What does this stuff do? Like when that stuff like heats your skin up and you're like, oh, God, like icy hot, like that kind of shit. What is that really doing? I have no idea. I think it's just tricking you into thinking. You think so? Yeah. I don't think it really is.

Someone who's a friend of mine who's a doctor described it as a topical analgesic, meaning that it does something to the surface of your skin. But maybe is it psychological that makes you feel like it's healing up, like when you have a muscle soreness or something like that? Yeah. Do you have like a little bit of a wound? Yeah. A little injury?

There's a psychological aspect to that heat stuff. I feel like you think you're getting work done, you know? There's probably a psychological aspect to healing. In general? Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. I don't think it's 100%, but I think you could sway it in a better direction. You know?

I mean, that's got to be what the placebo effect is, right? They tell you they're gonna give you a pill and it's gonna make you feel better. You're like, oh, this is it This is the thing they gave me the game of the pill and you actually do feel better and even show signs of recovery Like immediately corresponding to you taking that pill like your brain is convinced yourself What about that dude you've had on the podcast whose brain is like a fucking healing serum who can walk oh wim hof yeah wim hof oh yeah dude he's i mean he trains people he teaches people how to do it he's as legit as they get he holds the world record for swimming under ice ice yes and by the way he fucked up and couldn't figure out which way to get out because his retinas had frozen over because the water was so cold.

How does he do this? He's an animal. He's a fucking savage, that guy, in the most beautiful sense of the word. He just has incredible breath control. That's a big part of his whole entire philosophy. So the guy's following this rope. Once he's committed to it, by the way, he's just got these little spots along the way where he can get some air. But he lost track.

He couldn't see good anymore because it was so goddamn cold. He couldn't figure out where the exit is. So he went more than the full distance That was his goal in the first place Which was insane all of its insane Fucking a man, I mean That guy's something special he teaches people which is the crazier part even to me that he's he's gotten people Train them to swim in like freezing water. Oh, yeah. Walk through ice. And also fight off a cold. Yes.

Yes. Fuck, man. I use his breathing technique before I go on stage. And when I do, I have better shows. This is what I think. I think you kind of hyper-oxygenate and stimulate your mind. How sophisticated is his breathing technique? Well, it's a lot of what he does that I find beneficial is like, and I've heard this concept in yoga before too, is breathing in, like take a giant breath and letting out, excuse me, letting out about 20%.

And then breathing in again as hard as you can and letting out about 20%. Breathing in as hard as you can and then continue that for like long periods of time. Dude, I do that in the cryo tank where I stand in the cold air. Three minutes goes by like that. There's a giant difference between when I do that and when I don't do that. So you focus on your breathing. It's a little bit of that. There's something about people that are encountering any sort of stimulation.

Where it's real hard to manage the stimulation without letting everything get fucking crazy and haywire yeah and Being able to manage it has a gigantic effect on what the actual results or the actual Experience of being this cold is yeah, because it gets the same goddamn thing But if you can control your breath and control your consciousness And you're doing something that seems to be heating up your body too in a little bit of a way almost like an internal exercise because it's difficult to do because you're taking these big giant breaths of cold air and then you're letting out a little and then you're taking a big giant breath it's almost like you're flexing your lungs yeah and when you do that man i mean it might make it 20

30 percent easier to deal with three minutes. Supposedly. I'm not kidding. One of the Olympics. I don't know what year it is. If you'd like to check, Jane, I don't know, whatever. The Russians beat the fuck out of the Americans. Supposedly, the Americans came out, walking out, you know, the flag.

And the Russians all came out going, And they couldn't figure out what the fuck is wrong with these motherfuckers. That's what they were doing. They warm up their lungs, and they look back to think about what they're about to do, the technique they're about to use,

and to let the blood go to the back. Something fucking weird I read about that was pretty interesting. Whether it's true or not, I don't know. But supposedly, their cardio was so ahead of the United States because they were doing a pre for your lung. Like breathing exercises.

I think it had something to do. Now, is that the guy that also has the record for the deepest drop? I think it's a different guy. That's a different guy. That's a different guy. He's the one that I read about. He's the one that wrote about how you have to prepare for all that stuff. And that it was learned when the Russians came on the Olympics.

It's interesting to focus on your breath. Like, I don't do it much. I do it. I've actually been doing Pilates. And it's way fucking, A, harder than I thought it was going to be. But, B, like, you're thinking about your breath for, like, an hour, basically. You're always working on your breath. There's, it's not, it's not a, um, a secret that like the greatest jujitsu guy of all

time had this crazy breath control. Really? Hicks and Gracie. Yeah. He had, there's a bunch of videos of him. You ever see the documentary Choke? You ever heard of it? Uh, no.

It's an amazing documentary about this guy, Hicks and Gracie, who's almost universally regarded as the greatest jiu-jitsu player of all time. Yeah. And fought a bunch of fights in MMA and strangled everybody he fought. But there's this video where he's doing this yoga warm-up sort of thing that he would do every day. And he does this thing with his stomach that you watch him do this. And he starts warming his stomach up. He's doing this like fire breathing shit. But then he starts sucking his stomach into like the upper corners of his rib cage, like rhythmically in this like almost impossible thing.

Like when you're watching him doing it, like he's warming everything up. And then once he gets it warmed up he starts wiggling the internals Like look at this man who the fuck has that kind of control of your abdominal muscle This guy would do this like every time he trained he did it all the time did it constantly he did this he did yoga Constantly gymnastics he did a type of yoga called Gymnastic a natural which is a brazilian um uh sort of a um a combination of yoga and uh a lot of like movements like rolling and animal

like movements natural movements amazing stuff see if you can find the guy who created that Gymnastica Natural. So you give the guy credit. Because there's a really amazing style working out. Yes. Those guys. Those guys are into gymnastics. There's a couple of Brazilian guys that teach him. That sport is actually so much more badass than it's given credit for.

Jiu-jitsu? No, no. I'm talking about like gymnasts. Oh, gymnasts. For sure. Or even like yoga masters. Oh, yeah, man. Their physical ability is so beyond, I think,

most people's perception of it when they first think about it. Yeah, there he's going. These people are fucking psychos, man. Professor Alvaro Romano is the guy who created Gymnastica Natural. And that was Hickson's thing. And there's videos of him doing it, doing it on the beach. There's a video of Hickson doing it, and you watch the movement, and you go, oh, this is almost like he's having like,

it's almost like shadow fighting with jiu-jitsu because you're being able to put your body in these weird positions over and over and over again and balance yourself and control. It's all about just controlling your body in any weird way that you could possibly encounter a position where you'd have to be strong. Wild shit, because he was way ahead of the curve, man. Everybody back then was doing Mexican supplements and deadlifts and bench pressing and fucking running you know, running over each other in training camp, beating the shit out of each other. And Hickson was just strangling people.

You know, it's really a fascinating thing when you stop and think about it, that this one guy was the best and so far ahead of the curve. And so few people, even people that really got into jiu-jitsu, saw, well, first of all, he had amazing talent his dad was ilio gracie those are two giant factors but also the way he trained and the way he controlled his breath and his own son crone gracie's world champion one of the best grapplers in the world can do all that stuff too he has massive breath control and he'll tell you it's all about your breath like being able to control your breath is a massive part of your anxiety levels.

It's a massive part of how you can deal with stress, how you can calm yourself down. You have control and power over your lungs. What is this dude doing? Oh, this is a weed. He's out there in the jungle. This guy's actually doing it in the jungle. Jacques Array does a lot of that stuff. We all breathe naturally.

If you look at your children, they're breathing the way that we're supposed to breathe. Somewhere when we're 10 or 12, we become a teenager, we go off it. My breathing was complete. I went to seminars. When I went to jiu-jitsu,

when I went to jiu-jitsu, I created so much fear in my mind from being on my back that I would immediately run outside and take my gi off and pee my pants. And most people would quit. Like, I'd just pee a little bit in my shorts. Most people would have quit. I don't like that feeling. So I kept going back, and I wouldn't improve.

I wouldn't improve because of my cardio. Yeah yeah I've been smoking joints for 30 years yeah I'm a fat fuck yeah it was that I had a build like I had to get boss rootin's mouthpiece to build my diaphragm just yeah to suck I had nose therapy all this because of jiu-jitsu that my breathing is legit the boss rootin thing is legit when I hit the bag I used the boss rootin thing yeah I think what they're thing is legit. When I hit the bag, I use the boss rooting thing. Yeah. I think what they're saying is the best way to use it is just use it in exercises. Exercises.

Like use it as an exercise. Push-ups, sit-ups, yeah. Just do a few things with it and just blow some air out with it. Really good. It's really helped me. But that's how much I've learned about. Now I don't have as much anxiety. I breathe it out.

It really fucking. so i've done a lot of reading about it but that guy's article but the guy that dipped the longest his was the most interesting i didn't know about this guy on the fucking ice and shit but it's true man once you now i'm rolling and now i pull guard all the time just to be on my back I want to be fearful yeah so I just could I just look back whenever I have a problem I do a thing called hula hula boo that the Indians did hula where you look hookah hookah Lou or something like that Oh hookah loud hookah loud where you look up and you Center again yeah that's helped me become a better comment

sometimes you're up there talking shit you just center yourself and all these little things I learned because I joined you Jitsu like my breathing I focus on it when I roll now I don't care about hands no more don't care if you choke me I really don't give a fuck I'm horrible anyway I'm just I'm just learning to breathe all over sure yeah you know I'm just learning to breathe all over again. Sure. Yeah. You know, I'm just learning to breathe, you know. You know, I was grabbing you and trying to go for a cross collar and then fucking like doing something completely different for a scissor sweep.

And somebody's like, Joe, you got to exhale, brother. Joey, do you do yoga for jujitsu? Don't they have a class like that down at birth schools? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We do. I go early. What's the name of the actual? The thing is called TacFit,

but I go to yoga with my wife once a week. We just go, she goes four times. I just go with the Tuesday one just to loosen up from 10 to 11. I'm not that good at it. TacFit is our friends. TacFit is our Scott Sonnen and Galazi, which they have.

Galazi, who you have. Galazi, who you did the podcast with me. They're fucking having a tremendous workshop. I can't go. It's that fucking 9 to 5. I can't remember that much shit.

Saturday and Sunday. What are they teaching you? Kettlebells meets club bells with Galazi and how it affects jujitsu and MMA and stuff like that. So,

last week I got to meet Scott Sonnen and, boy, he's fucking great, Joe. He's got a lot of great stuff about club bells. Yes, Jiu-Jitsu and MMA and stuff like that. So last week I got to meet Scott Sonnen. And, boy, he's fucking great, Joe. He's got a lot of great stuff about club bells. Yes, great stuff. I've seen some of his videos and things. Listen, I'm up to the 20 pounds from Aubrey. Yeah.

I started when I first got the club bells from Aubrey. My wrist was hurting with five pounds. I couldn't even do the simple five-pound one. Now I'm taking 20s, holding them, going all the way back, bringing them back, and it's all focused on my back and breathing. That's it. I just do shit to breathe now. I don't give a fuck if I get beat up because that's what was really bothering me

was the breathing, man. You've been getting better at it. Yeah, but now I'm getting better at it, plus the sleep apnea had put a lot of fear. So being on my back and being out of breath the sleep apnea would kick in again You know so never do those shield casts What's that remember the iron Sheik remember the iron Sheik used to hold up those gigantic? Iranian clubs yeah that they would use for wrestling training It's like it was a really strong move for wrestling training.

See if you can find one with the Iron Sheik. Because he was, like, the Iron Sheik, for people who don't know, he was a pro wrestler in the WWE. It was WWF back then. And, you know, he was, before he was that, he was a super successful Iranian amateur wrestler. Like, he was a legit wrestler, like legit wrestling skills and ridiculously strong.

And he's holding these things. I don't know how much these things weigh, but they, it doesn't look like he's faking this because of the slow motion of how he's moving it. They look like heavy objects. I don't know how much they weigh, but this is a really hard workout to do

you know i i can barely do that shit with like 15 pounds and i'm not bullshitting with one hand it's hard it's a weird control thing and you realize like how you're strong in certain areas those are definitely heavy as fuck they're heavy as fuck. You're strong in certain areas. Like, that guy's super jacked. Who is that? I don't know. Precious Paul. He's got beautiful underwear. But it's a very difficult thing because you could be really strong when it comes to, like,

a straight shoulder press. You know, like, you could, like, hoist up, like, 70 pounds. But there's no fucking way in the world you're going to be moving around 70 pounds like that. You just can't do it. Your arm's going to fall off, especially if you have it in the form of a club. You can't even get close. I can do a lot of shit with heavy kettlebells. But when it comes to one of those clubs, I take two hands to move around a 30-pound one.

Right. Which is crazy. If someone says 30 pounds, do you bench press 30 pounds? Bro, that's all we got here? Fucking 30 pounds? Bro. This is all we got here? Fucking 30 pounds? Bro. This is fucked. I can't even get a pump.

Doing something with one of these clubs that's 30 pounds is fucking insane. You have to be so goddamn strong. And that sounds weird. Because it seems like, well, 30 pounds is 30 pounds. But when you start swinging that shit over your head and it's long, and so the leverage is going against you look at him Yeah, I got fucking bulldoze. He was a bulldozer. This is the guy that's on Twitter corner Oh, yeah, everybody's a guy. Oh, yeah. Oh my god. Nazis. I retweeted him the other day about Nazis

I love him. I was on stage with him in Toronto. It's one of my favorite moments as a human call people jabronis Yeah, I called everybody piece of shit. Yeah If I get hated everybody He was a good man though. And he was a stud wrestler but that's the dark secret of not just professional wrestling but of just real high level grappling.

It's like the damage that gets done to a lot of those guys' bodies is almost unfixable and he's all fucked up now. Ric Flair's not in a coma but in like the ice juice like the last four or five days yeah i heard about that and how old is rick flair 60s maybe yeah you know um they pay a price they pay a price to to entertain in that way you know it's very very physically violent just because it's not A real fight Where there's an unplanned outcome

And they're just throwing haymakers at each other Like a real MMA fight Just because it's not that doesn't mean That they're not taking in a lot of damage Every time they get hit with those fucking forearm shivers And dropped a fucking chair on them All that shit is Fucking them up

A lot of them have brain damage too I'm sure there's no studies on it But I'm sure Like all that shit is fucking them up. A lot of them have brain damage, too. A lot of them. I'm sure. I'm sure there's no studies on it, but I'm sure. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure some of them avoided it. You know, some of them fought smart. What is he saying?

What is that boy saying in your song? I thought it was Halloween. What is he saying? Dropping motherfucking bees on him. What is he saying? Ghetto boys? Yeah, yeah. What was that say? Ghetto boys? Yeah, yeah. What was that line?

Come on. Oh, my God. I haven't heard that in so long. What song is that? Oh, it's the Halloween song, right? We've been checking up the place. What's that, Jamie? My mind playing tricks on me. My mind playing tricks on me.

Yeah, that's it. This wasn't no ordinary. Oh, my God. He was about seven feet. Whatever. We triple teamed on him, dropping them motherfucking bees on him. The more I do, whatever. The more I swung, the more blood flew.

Then he disappeared, and then my boys disappeared, too. Wow. That's a classic, man. Oh my God. Bushwick Bill, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Remember the one

Willie D, Scarface? The cover of a ghetto boy CD is Bushwick Bill with his eyes shot out in a fucking, not even this one, it's another one,

in the gurney on the way to the hospital. And it's like, we can't be stopped is the name of the album. He got shot in the eye. It's hilarious the name of the album he got shot in the eye it's hilarious man i think he shot himself in the eye i don't even know what the fuck happened someone shot him in the eye and he's like we can't be stopped and he's in the gurney like look at this oh yeah right damn yeah so he's on the phone he's got one of them bricks he's yeah he's got one

of them brick cell phones from the olden days, from back in the Gordon Gekko days. These guys aren't playing games, man. And so he got shot in the eye. And while that's happening, he's on the phone doing deals. Doing deals. Still doing deals. What was the conversation they had? Like as they were pushing, they said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why don't we take a picture so we can put the sign next to it? Yo, yo, yo. Yo, yo, yo. We got to take a picture here. Let me take this bandage off right quick. My fuck up. Let me take this bandage off right quick. Oh, my God, man.

Yeah. Now, who's the midget? That's Bill. That's Bill. Okay. That's horrible nomenclature, sir. What is it? I don't know.

I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore. Who's the small person? Yes, there you go. Thank you. John Wesley. Now I think differently of you. John Wesley saw him fucking changing the flat once in Houston. Really? And he pulled over to help Bushwick build.

Wow. He goes, how cool was that? I helped Bushwick build. I met Willie D at a show once. He came to a show. Did he? Yeah. He's got one of my favorite quotes all the time.

You gotta let a hoe be a hoe. He's totally right. You gotta let your nuts hang. He really did shoot his eye out. He really did. Oh, yeah, that wasn't a publicity stunt. Look at that. Damn.

That's crazy. Imagine that face walking up to you. They were huge. Like at a store. And just being like, I'm a celebrity. Oh, my God. Fucking eye shot out. They were fucking huge at one time.

Ghetto Boys? For sure. Two Life Crew that you can't be stopped. We can't be stopped as a big fucking album They were huge. No yeah, I still listen to them when I was on the treadmaster Fucking stairmaster things whatever the fuck is rap a lot right doesn't that the Houston Label wasn't that rap a lot. Yeah, they put you on the map for sure. Yeah, Rap-A-Lot. That's exactly what it was. No, the guy that sang Big Bucks.

Fifth Ward. That's right. What happened to that dude with the white dude with the teeth? Oh, Paul Wall? Yeah. I think he's still out there.

I think he still makes teeth for sure. He still makes teeth. Definitely. Does he make grills? Yeah, he still does. He makes grills. He makes grills.

You can get Paul Wall made grills. No, I'm not getting them. We should all get grills. That's a good idea for real. For real. That's a great Christmas. Get some Death Squad grills. Let can get Paul Wall made grills. No, I'm not getting them. We should all get grills. That's a good idea for real. For real. That's a great Christmas. Get some Death Squad grills.

Let's do it, man. Let's fucking do it. Will you do it? Please? Will you please do it? How many teeth? How many teeth are we talking? Let's just get a row, man.

Let's just do it. A full row? Not like one. Like tops or bottoms. Would we go to Paul? Yeah, for sure. Paul Wall. What's up?

Joe Rogan 1000. There you go. What if it cuts your lips? No, it's fine, man. What if it gets hooked up on your wife's pussy? That's cool, too. If it's diamonds, she'll be cool with it. Get a yank in out of there.

How much is it for the denture grills? How much for that one? The denture grills? Let's see that one. What's the cost on that? There you go. Those are the ones you slide right off and on. Look at the fucking diamond grill.

Jesus Christ. What about people that want to be diamond vampires? That's $2,400. Whoa. That's not bad. $2,400 for jewelry in your teeth. Just to let everybody know, you're not playing by any fucking rules. You're definitely not, man.

If you meet a dude and he has a number of gold teeth, like the number of gold teeth he has is a direct proportion as to whether or not he's a pirate. Dude, shoot your next special wearing these motherfuckers. Let people know what time it is, man. I'm serious. J-R-E, and then put the name of the special on the bottom. I need a hype, man. I've been thinking of calling you on this.

I'd love to. Asking you to figure out, like, what's my best strategy. I'm trying to hype out. Is that a word? You know what I would do? As soon as you hit, like, a big you know what I would do as soon as you hit like a big punchline I would go

and that was fucking funny and I'd be like to get them wrapped up even more yeah and then show my girl look at little fucking John I wonder what he makes a year

just showing up and going yeah yeah a lot yeah like 50 grand the fucking I'm sure man

well wasn't that a thing? Little John stays paid. It was like Paris Hilton. It was like one of the biggest things that she had was like those nightclub appearances. She'd go and they'd just pay her a grip of money. Yeah, just to be there. And she would just show up. Hey, everybody, it's Paris Hilton.

When I lived in Orlando, some guy gave her a club. It was called Club Paris. And everyone was supposed to come show up because she was supposed to be there every weekend. Right. She's not going to Orlando every weekend every weekend obviously was that the idea that he had how coked up are you when you could i know i do i don't know if i'm going in business with paris hilton i got an idea i'm gonna give her a club is that cool you see it you see the connection if you're if you're hearing this guy who made that deal i'm sorry I'm just joking around I don't really think you know one day. We're fucking that hot like

When we first going to the Comedy Store sunset When you hit Laurel Canyon, it was bumper to bumper traffic, right? Okay. It was bumping a traffic I remember getting a ticket one time because I cut my spot was up. I just went in the middle lane There was a cop right there fucking waiting for me by the standard. You know, that was when Hilton, and what's the other chick that was getting in trouble? Lindsay Lohan. Yeah. She was getting in a lot of trouble.

They were out every fucking night. That's true. Causing problems. Then Lindsay Lohan went to the griddle before court one day. She went to that place that we went to. That breakfast place. Yeah. Good place.

And that was it after that. The griddle was packed for fucking months after that because they thought Lindsay was going to go in there for breakfast every morning. They had those crazy pancakes, right? They still do. Good pancakes. I mean, but I'm saying that it's like 18 pancakes

and one of them, like, there's your pancake. They fucking kill you there. It's nuts, man. They kill you there. They'll kill you. They kill you. They serve their coffee like 15 years ago they were fresh press oh yeah fresh press they were yeah 15 fucking years ago good stuff yeah friend yeah 15 years ago they had coffee from like hawaii there yeah they were doing a good job there i just don't like waiting on life eggs bro

i'm anti-waiting on life i'm anti-waiting line basically period for restaurant anti-waiting on line basically period for restaurants. I mean, when something kind of reasonable, fine. Obviously, it's like your table, you don't have a table, you have to hang out. But when they're like, this place is awesome, just an hour and a half. Have you ever done Franklin's Barbecue in Austin? No. It comes up every time. I can't do it.

I'm not staying in line. I'm not paying nobody $8 an hour. Get more fucking help in there. And come out and get more fucking waitresses. What's that hamburger place? They do it. They got people out there. I think it's just a place to be cool. Some people sit there for eight bucks an hour

for you. Ari likes that shit. Sitting there, listen, nothing. I don't want to wait for nothing. When I go to breakfast in Hollywood, if I got to go to the doctor, I stop by the griddle first. Is it still nuts there? It's still a little line, but if they give me any drama, there's a bagel place across

the street that's tremendous. I get a nice, clean turkey, Bobby. They make fresh fucking turkey and put it on your bagel, Bobby. I ain't fucking around, Jack. The best wizard job in all of Hollywood is Pink's. That's the worst food I've ever eaten. They are god-damned

wizards. Horrific. I remember coming, like moving here 2002. That's the first thing you do. And you're like, man, I gotta hit that spot. Look at that line. And then you get one of those hot dogs. You went, it's a hot dog. If you're into hot dogs, it's a hot dog. I feel like you actually bite into it and you're like,

this is amazing. And then you take another bite and you're like, no, I just hype myself into thinking. I want it to be amazing. But listen, fuck us. That place is crowded every goddamn night. Every day. It's something smart about cooking. No, it's about cooking outdoors, too.

Having that open window so you walk by and you can see them cooking the hot dogs. I went in there and the buns were pink. The buns were yellow. The chili was god awful. You know what the problem is? The hot dogs were god awful. The real problem for me is always going to be

that I've had real New York hot dogs that snap when you bite them. Snap bread, yeah. You know, there's those type of hot dogs that they were making. The buns were perfect. The buns go so far with burgers, too. Amazing buns.

But there's something about when you snap into one of those and you taste that real fresh, real delicious hot dog taste. Regular bullshit hot dogs, they just don't fly anymore. Like when you go to a Dodger Stadium, those are the worst hot dogs you'll ever have. Adam Carolla's in some sort of a beef with fans about that. Dodger dogs. It's god awful. It's like you're eating oatmeal from American Airlines. You think you're poisoning yourself.

Every time I get the oatmeal from American, I'm like, am I fucking poisoning myself? Those Dodger dogs are so fucking bad, man. They're horrible. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. When I was in the... From junior year... What's that word?

Excoriates? He excoriates? The Dodger dog implores rams to serve better beef. What is that word? Have you ever seen that word? Wow. Whoever you are are word wizard of google my junior year in high school mr hildebrand took us to the fucking sabret place

just to take us take us through a little walk you know because what his job was to do was to every month to show us different career opportunities. And we went to this hot dog thing. I don't like, we had to take a bus down there. Have you ever seen that? No. Okay. So there's four Puerto Ricans and they got brooms and they got yellow suits on and they

got those boots on. Okay. And there's a fucking, you know when you work on a construction site and you throw the sheetrock in the tube and the tube goes down to the first floor into the dumpster? Okay. So there's a tube like that. And then there's four Puerto Ricans

with brooms, and there's six Puerto Ricans with bags of 80-pound and 90-pound salt. This is back in 1980, okay? Okay. You know, 90 pounds. And there's pallets of 90 pounds.

And every once in a while, the light turns red, and this thing, just body parts start falling. Heads, shoulders, eyeballs. You just see it. And then these guys, the other Puerto Ricans, break the bags of salt and put them on this shit that's falling. Like, it's nonstop. Bam.

And these guys sweep that into a fucking hole. And that's how the hot dog gets. But it's everything. It's the leg, the hoof, the arm. You know, what do you think? What happens to a leg when somebody gets into a car accident? Four or five. What do you think happens to the leg? You think they take car accident, four or five? What do you think happens to the leg?

You think they take it home? Fuck no. They call Hormel first. They go, Hormel, we got a black leg for you. It's about 300 pounds. Oh, Jesus Christ. We'll call you back in five minutes. Then they call White Castle.

Listen, we got a deal for you. Then they hang up with him. Could you imagine? And they call Stakehams and they send that leg over. What do you think they're going to do with that big fucking leg that weighs 300 pounds? You think they just put that leg away? Fuck no. That's what you eat.

Could you imagine if they found out that people were grinding up people they found in the morgue and making hot dogs out of them? Oh my God. Imagine if dogs Out of them Oh my god Imagine if that was true Fucking Roy DeMeo Was killing people Oh my god And he had a friend

That had a supermarket That owed him money So at night He'd go kill him In the supermarket And put him in the meat grinder And the next day People would come in

And put their meat What the fuck were you eating What do you think Was left over in there Fuck yeah He ground people up What do you think Was left over in there

Yeah for a couple Of his murders. He had a guy that owned the money for Shylock. He was like, wasn't he draining people? Draining people. Hanging them upside down and draining people. The other guy from the Gambinos owned a chain of supermarkets. Did you know that?

That was a guy from the Gambinos. The other guy from the Gambinos owned owned great web great white auto remember when you're in queens and they have those people that balance your tires and he owned all them well they bought into legit businesses that was a good way to declare income the other guy had the guy that the heavy guy conti or something that guy was a known heroin dealer he was on the board of director of news bombs of a supermarket You want me to tell you what this motherfucker did? They had about 30 supermarkets in the Jersey area. And one day he just called local 202 carpenters and said,

do me a favor, go to every supermarket and add an aisle. So every supermarket had an aisle that whatever they took went directly to the mom. Whoa. So they had 13 supermarkets where like aisle number five wasn't really aisle number five. Nobody knew about aisle number five. So whatever was bought in that aisle, that cash went upstairs for 13 supermarkets on a daily basis. They were just going to a supermarket and add two lanes and go, we don't even, don't worry about those two lanes.

Wow. How fucking bizarre is that shit? Yeah. Just, it's crazy that the FBI and all the people, the various law enforcement organizations figured out a way to crack that and break it down. They cracked it after they made 10 million.

Then they cracked it. You know who lives in Studio City, bro? Who? I just met him at this coffee shop about three months ago, and I talk to him all the time, and I'm about to sick him loose on people. Sick him loose on people. Who? The last godfather in this country was a guy by the name of Joe something.

Big fat guy. He came out and he made everybody shut the... He was fucking genius, Joe. Came out of jail, made everybody shut the social clubs. Everybody had to have a job. Everybody had to have a job. No drugs. Everybody stuck to it. They were doing phenomenal.

He was doing phenomenal, Joe Messina. But somebody was shaking down a restaurant, and he went in there, and they were giving him $20,000 a week for security so they couldn't figure out how to get messino because he wasn't doing anything outside and they got this forensic accountant to go in there and they shut down the mob this guy well this guy retired lives in fucking studio city we were talking to one day he goes for a thousand bucks somebody gives you a hard time you have

the right to go in there and look at their books he goes don't bring none of these fucking white idiots from hollywood bring me because i'll find everything in there plus i'll make them a deal if they don't pay you i call my friends at the fucking irs and i'll have him here within a day looking through your asshole so we're ready to sick motherfuckers. I got one guy I'm ready to sick him on. He keeps telling me, oh, we haven't made any money. Keep it up. Keep it up because I'm going to sick this little

fucking... And this guy's one of those... He's not even Jewish. He's just crazy and white. But for a thousand bucks, he'll go in there. And he was the same guy that brought down thousands of people for the FBI. When they can't figure you out, forensic fucking accounting,

you're done. The math better add up, Jack. Jesus Christ. So anybody who gives you guys a hard time, we don't know. We haven't sold a lot of them. Thousand bucks. And he'll go in there and he's fucking... When you look at him, he's one of those white dudes that did 30 years in the Marines

that he's pretty serious. He goes, i'll rip them fucking open for you oh i'll find every dime and then i'll make them an offer they can't refuse they got three days to give you a check for the un whatever or we contact our buddies in the irs and i'll have me in 24 hours to look in your asshole until they find something. Oof. Is that true? Can you really do that? You can do whatever the fuck you want.

You can call the IRS and go, hey man. Watch, ask, wait till you see the end of the year. Wait till all these people who've been talking shit about Trump.

You think Kathy Griffiths, they're not gonna get harassed and anybody else? You watch. I don't trust Trump when it comes to something like that. I'm not saying he's a bad dude

or anything like that. What I'm saying is Trump's one of those dudes. You really don't want to mess with I Believe that I believe that if people want to put pressure on you they could get you to the IRS I think agencies have been doing it for years. I shouldn't even say Trump What did you guys think of this Charlottesville stuff and his reaction to it? I think it's just a big failure man I mean, what was it. What did you feel like? He fumbled on what I thought was like two levels.

So there's the leadership presidential level, right? Where you go like, this is the office that we look to. And then there's like the person. So I think it's weird how he makes, you know, everything is about him.

And he even started one of those press conferences and it went into like how the economy is doing. So like I think it's hard to view that dude morally as somebody that you're, I don't know, that you would enjoy being around as a person. And then I actually I get what he was trying to do i do too with his uh uh criticizing antifa and stuff like i i you know i get but like it's the lack of savviness is even maybe more like in in not knowing like this is a time where you do this and not that that's also something you're like wow like he just just feels like feels like he's totally unfit for the job, in my opinion. Well, I also feel like when you're the president, the workload must be impossible to imagine before you get in there. And then once you get in there, you're dealing with all these pressures, all these super

important decisions in all these different areas, and then some new shit comes up. I really think, and I'm not even saying this as a critical of like, I don't like him, I really think he is, and only a few other people can experience this, is truly like holy shit with what this job entails. Oh, I think so too. I think it's really like one of those things where he's like, wow, and you can see that he's constantly, like he always refers to the campaign still always will yeah any conversation we'll talk about like I beat those guys and yeah because I think

that's the part that he enjoyed he import enjoyed the competition old days of the campaign and I think like and then you know he's always bringing up like oh the new like but the Dow was setting records for months and months and months but like he'll still you But tweets will be about that or interviews will be about that. He can't not make a conversation, a statement without talking about it. I think there probably is a connection, though, between the Dow being up and him being in office and people thinking that he's friendly to business. I think business markets love it.

There's definitely no doubt about that. But there's also no doubt that unemployment was at record lows and setting records before him. And the Dow has been breaking, has been on an upswing for years now. Isn't that how it always is? Like presidents always come in and take advantage of the upward. Of course. He's not the first guy to fuck with that. But the economy does come in these ebbs and flows.

It does come in ebbs and flows. The market inevitably, at least in the history of it always comes back always comes back you know if you even if you stayed through like Black Monday if you the market still eventually comes back I'm too stupid to understand that I'm too stupid to get the market you know you're not no no I mean I am in the sense that I'm not really interested in pursuing those lines of thought I get that that's different my brain is just like, yeah, this seems like a pot of

shit to me. I gotta get out of here. If I tell you something, guys, you're not gonna believe this. I don't know anything that happened. The stock market's strange. No, no, no. I know some white supremacists that somebody showed up. Oh, Charlottesville. I don't pay attention to them. I had to disconnect myself. I don't watch World...

Let me tell you what happened These guys were doing a crew photo shoot. Yeah, I finished Yeah, what happens is that spray that makes everybody gay that they put on frogs They're now using a J crew like you know like amber crumb Ian Fitch does yeah as you walk in and they hit you with that That gay frog spray. You know I'm talking about no it makes you gay so a bunch of dudes got crazy, tattooed swastikas on themselves, took their shirts off. They're all walking around with citronella candles that they got from a hardware store. That was the stupidest part of it all. They had torches that they were walking down the street with.

Like, come on. You guys are walking around with lawn torches. They're pussies. They didn't even make the Frankenstein ones. Where you get the fucking blanket, dipping in fucking gas, and run and chase Frankenstein. They use those fucking mosquito repellents and shit.

Listen, dog. I'll tell you what. You know what, man? I have so many things on my plate. I had to stop. Watching, yeah. And I'm going to tell you something else. I had to sit my wife down like a man and tell her that CSNBC was not a lot of the house no more My wife is very political and how to cut her off like I can't have it. It does. It gets overwhelming

I can't have the news can be able You know we would go out to dinner and somebody would bring some up and I had a kicker under the table And I feel bad listen. I want to talk about that shit. Yeah You know how you hear that expression more than you know as a kid where people are like never bring up I had a kick around to the table and I feel bad. Listen, I don't want to talk about that shit. There's no reason to talk about that shit no more. You know how you hear that expression more than you know as a kid where people are like, never bring up politics or religion. Or religion. Right?

And as a kid, you're like, I don't understand why that. But this is, I feel like, the age where it becomes the most clear. And at the time where you're like, oh, I told, like, we can actually probably have a good time if no one talks about these. And it always comes out. Guys, you can't see four people talk for five minutes about anything without somebody bringing something up political. Yeah. And you know what? At the end of the week, though, you still got to get up and go to work.

You still got to get up and groceries. You still got to wipe your ass. Yeah. All this knowledge and GOPs and SODs. I grew up in Hudson County, New Jersey, which comes in two to Cook County, Illinois. So I learned about politics in a micro, what's a small one? Micro situation. And it's a horrible thing. I benefited from it. I had no-show jobs. I had to rip down signs. You had no-show jobs?

Yeah. I had a no-show job at Horace Mann School when I was a kid I'm going there once a week and pick up a check and laugh at the old janitors I didn't I never moved the desk now my car mine got me the job got rest of soul, but It's I saw the level and it never interested me like I was like these people fucking pukes The fucking pukes with suits on yeah, know, before you guys were talking about taxpayer money, I want to see the addendum for the 12 fucking idiots that sit there with suits that are old and white and they sit there and ha-ha-ha-ha, you know, 12 hours to make a decision.

That's where our money goes. You know, you don't know about bureaucracy till my mother died. That's when I learned about bureaucracy at 15. That's why I don't like it. Because my mother died, I couldn't even collect Social Security without coming up with 92 sheets of paper. That's a fucking Social Security fucking number.

That's a fucking name. And that's when she died. And that's a death certificate. Give me my fucking money. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's another letter and another meeting, and you paid your taxes.

You paid for this. This is your fucking hard-earned money. That's when you learn that it's all bullshit. This is all bullshit. Our taxes, you know, in four years, your kid's going to come to you and go, Daddy, or your daughter's going to come to you and go, I want to play basketball. You take them down there. Your daughter's going to come to you and go, I want to play basketball.

You take them down there. They charge you $85 to sign up, $32 for the shirt, which really is worth fucking $8 on a fucking in the black market. And then you got to pay the sneakers, which are $100. When I was a kid, though, Texas was low. I went to Union City. I told them I want to play basketball. They put you on a team.

They give you a shirt. And you played every week for free. It didn't cost you anything. Look at the fucking... I don't even know about taxes or anything, Joe. All I know about is when I go buy a plane ticket and I look at those prices and I go, what about the family of two

that isn't doing that well? What about the fucking... If I was really taxed, I have felonies, I can't vote, so I don't even let that thing go on my mind. What about the $50 I got to pay for parking when I go to a UFC event? Yeah.

What about the fucking $184 for a fucking Laker ticket? Or $100 for a fucking baseball ticket? When does it end? That's what I'm concerned about. I don't give a fuck about anything else I want them to bomb fucking Isis now today But everything else for me applies to the American family

Yeah That the American family does not stand a chance in this country no more if your wife works and you have to pay date care What do you bring it home? What are you clearing after daycare? Somebody was telling me for summer camp in Studio City, it's $200 a week. That's $800 a month for the average person. What's the average person

making this fucking country, Joe Rogan? So your taxes are getting used for shit. Our taxes are getting used for shit our taxes are getting used for shit shit because they're not going to where they're supposed to go 800 a month is like what is that like nine thousand that's ninety six hundred a year that's a lot of money but for and the girl was telling me that her son has to volunteer

and help other kids to get that rate studio city and i just was telling me that her son has to volunteer and help other kids to get that rate. It's Julio City. And I just was telling him kindergarten at Monarch is $34,000. What? In the Valley. And, you know, don't even mind the other two, whether Denzel's daughter went to school. Oh, my God. And by the way, we're talking about all this like it's a big deal.

If we were living in Manhattan, that would be a goddamn bargain. That'd be a bargain. A bargain. A bargain. That's what I, when I think about politics, I think about people who are fucking struggling. That have two children and they can't go to a Dodger game. How many fucking baseball games did you go to as a kid? Right. I can't tell you how many I went to as a kid.

Yeah. Yeah. But these families cannot afford a Dodger game bro i'm a fucking savage my uncle loves baseball he's an old man i would go to costco and for 50 i get two tickets two hot dogs two sodas in a parking spot i don't care about the fucking game i take him he's 74 once magic took over the dodgers they don't give you that deal no more you know what it seems like it's like if you have a giant population like we do in L.A. and something like a Dodger ticket or something, even though it's a giant number of people,

it's still a small percentage of this huge population. I guess they just realize, anybody who does this realizes, you just jack it up higher, you're going to get a smaller percentage of people, but there's still enough people. Right, exactly. So they're like, why wouldn't we do that? Let's just do that. Let's just make more. And then you. So they're like, why wouldn't we do that? Right. Let's just do that. Let's just make more.

And then if you, you know how it is when you go to a theater or something like that. Yeah. It's got to be twice that if there's some sort of a baseball game or something like that. Oh, yeah. Or one of those huge stadiums. Think about all the people that have to get paid. All the people that are working there while you're working there.

It's a giant staff of humans that have to keep that thing running smooth. Yeah, but what about the American family that flies and wants to get a thing of water that's $4.50 for a bottle of water? Is that how much they charge you? I thought the water was for... They give you a cup of water. No, a cup of water. What if... And then when you go through TSA, you can't bring the

water through. You can't, but if you can buy water... On the other side. But what if, Joe Rogan, you're just barely getting by, and you have three fucking kids, and it's three dollars of fucking water Yeah, I mean that's the shit that has always concerned me I can break small guy the fucking guy that wants to take the guy that works. He's divorced he pays child support He wants to take his kid to a Dodger game and for him to get a ticket He's gonna say with gangbangers and wear a helmet and a fucking bodyguard fucking suit. Yeah.

And you know you can smoke pot in our Dodger Stadium. Really? There's a little section, supposedly, that you walk to the left and people are sparking over there. Is that true, Jamie? I don't know. Let's just pretend it is. Make it happen.

Just do it, man. If anybody would let it go, it's L.A., right? Yeah. He's got more tolerance for weed than L.A. Yeah, L.A. Did you see that video? I don't know where the fuck it happened. I think it was on the Instagram feed, Clowning the Homie.

I don't know if you know that one. They always have some fun stuff up there. But there's a big, giant white guy. This black cop beats the fuck out of him, tasers him, beats the fuck out of him with a club. And then eventually they tasered him from behind another guy got him He fell banged his head off the ground and the whole time the guy was saying like I am NOT fighting you I'm not fighting you and they just beaten on him with this fucking pole That job and I've said it a million times is not for everybody and it's one of the most difficult

Fucking jobs in the world being a cop. Yep Yeah, and what we're seeing when we're seeing seeing that guy that shot that woman in the alley, this guy getting beat up by this metal pipe. The Baltimore cops planting fucking evidence. Planting drugs. How long you know me, Joe Rogan? 20 years. I did time.

None of you ever, ever, ever, ever heard me say some crazy shit. Crazy shit. But you've never heard me say the word pig. No, never. I have the utmost respect for police officers. It's a small percentage of people. They have a stressful job, but something's going on now. It's not just stressful.

What about two days ago, the nine minutes with the gun to the black couple while he was getting his license, and they kept saying, please put the gun away. And the guy held the gun there and shit like that. This is happening constantly. And then I love when if they shoot a black person, they just get like the black DA to go up there and say, well, we looked at this year, they beat up that black retarded kid downtown.

Eight cops to beat up a black retard. And then the fucking kid died and they said it's the fucking black kid's fault. He's fucking retarded. Eight cops on top of him beating him. But this goes on constantly. And you know what's going to happen and you fucking know He's fucking retarded. Eight cops on top of him beating him. But this goes on constantly. And you know what's gonna happen, and you fucking know what's gonna happen. You know

exactly what's gonna fucking happen. Two or three years from now, all it takes is three angry black guys. Three angry black guys with a surplus to spread the word. It was done with the Black Panthers. It was done for years. Three angry black guys. And they're gonna fucking start going around in cities and saying there's a fire.

And when all these cops show up, they're going to be on rubers and they're going to open up on them. This is going to happen in American cities. It already happened in Dallas. It already happened in Dallas this year. So don't fucking tell me this is going to happen. Three black guys that went to the service, that weapons like I told you unless you're retarded You can't get weapons today. I get I get you whatever the fuck you want and something I get you something an hour an hour I'll get you something to go fight. I believe you so never mind

Assault rifles and shit like that, right? That's all you need is five assault rifles and say that a woman is getting raped at the end of fucking assault rifles and say that a woman is getting raped at the end of fucking uh cherokee street and wait for 20 cops to come and open up on them dogs all head shots head shots and leg shots that's gonna happen eventually because this cannot continue this cannot continue i think most people that become cops have a very difficult time doing it i think for some people it's unmanageable and i think if you think about all the interactions that all the police officers have with all the people all day long, all across the country, the vast majority of it is inconsequential. It's people, traffic violations, little things here and there, but there's going to be a percentage. What is that percentage? Is it

even 1%? I don't know what it is, but if that 1% gets online, we focus on that 1%. So whether it's that guy planting drugs in Baltimore or these guys beating up this giant white guy. The guy was giant. But he wasn't threatening them in any way. He just didn't want these guys like fucking tainting them. Yeah. And I think there's just way too few people that are capable of navigating the wall the waters of that kind of job i think that kind of job is almost it's almost as bad or as difficult rather as uh being in the military

your life is on on the line you're at risk all the time constantly you know people call you a cop apologist if you looked at it like that listen man if the shit goes down someone's breaking into your house you're calling the cops man okay that's what they're here for. And to pretend that you don't need them is you're great. Well, okay. Maybe someday we won't, but right now you need cops for sure. And they need each other. They need cops too. And they know it and they, and they see it more than you do. Cause they're the ones who respond to murders and armed robberies and rapes they're the ones who have to show up and handle car accidents on the highway with i mean how much special training do they have that they get to deal with bodies that are torn apart fuck how

much special training no i know i'm not sure i'm not sure you could even adequately train a person the some people can handle it period but there's some people they see some dark shit and they just don't recover. And then you ask those people to just keep pulling people over. But I also think that they should train the cops a little more. I see a lot of dumb shit in L.A. I don't think they have the money. I agree with you, though. I agree with you.

I see a lot of dumb shit in L.A., bro. You know, times you're on Hollywood Boulevard, bumper to bumper, and you go to see what it is, and it's a fucking cop double part giving a homeless guy a hard time. Pull the cop in you. Pull the car in you, fucking scumbag. Can't you tell it's four o'clock when there's fucking traffic? They don't care. They don't give a fuck.

One day I yelled. One day I yelled from the car, and they looked at me. I yelled. Really, guys? Eight in the morning? Double fucking parked? Really? No fucking genius here.

And there's smoke coming out of his mouth while he's screaming. Oh, you think I'm fucking kidding you? You think I'm fucking kidding you? Yeah, I say shit. Because it's true. Come on, it's common sense. Yeah, of course. You want to give me a ticket?

When we go to court, we'll talk about it. And now we all got phones. Now we all got fucking phones and videos and the whole fucking deal. That's what's very dangerous is these laws against people filming cops while they're doing shit like you can't have that No, is that really a law though? Yes, it is There are several places where it is illegal to film cops while they're doing things Wow find it Federally, it's not I Know for sure the police have tried to tell people what's not but I'm pretty sure my spreading fake news

It's like it's like I know that they pretty sure... Am I spreading fake news? It's like... I know that they can... Let's find out if that's the case. I'm looking, I'm looking. Are there places where it's illegal to film the cops? I know they can tell you, like, if there's a situation going down. I felt like I was lying when I said that. They can tell you that they need a certain, like, a bit of space, but I don't think they

can tell you to stop filming. Hmm, that's interesting. Yeah, it's... No. They tried. They certainly tried. I was on a plane a couple weeks ago to Vegas and there was altercation and there were these fucking smart kids and the cops kept telling them they had to get off and They would take they would shoot in the cops and tell them that it was their right

Here we go Taking photographs and videos of things that are plainly visible in public spaces is the constitutional right and that includes police and other government officials Plainly visible in public spaces is the constitutional right, and that includes police and other government officials carrying out their duties. However, there is a widespread and continuing pattern of law enforcement officers ordering people to stop taking photographs or video in public places and harassing, detaining, and arresting those who fail to comply. The right of citizens to record the police is a critical check and balance. It creates an independent record of what took place in a particular incident. and balance it creates an independent record of what took place in a particular incident okay well that that's so that seems like maybe what I was reading was about people that got arrested for it so the cops were arresting him for it but even though it's not really illegal and they can still arrest you for a lot of things then you go to court and you figure out the arrests so if a cop

arrests you for not listening to him so like if you a cop is arresting someone and you're filming it because he's kicking this guy's ass, and you start filming it and the cop says, if you do not put that camera down, I will arrest you. They can still arrest you. They could say you're obstructing justice or whatever it is. Right. The only reason they would say not to turn the camera off is if he was doing something wrong. So I got you there, right there. It's fucking hard to stay on the right path and not go straight dirty Harry if some guy's trying to kill you

and you're involved in some situation and then you see people filming it too fuck man I wouldn't want to navigate any of the shit that cops have to go through on a daily basis me neither but they also have to they gotta

clean it up a little bit. And when they do something wrong and we watch it on film, they can't tell us that the cop was justified to do something. Of course. I mean, there was a lot of shit going on. I mean, there was 37 murders in Chicago last weekend, wasn't there? Fuck. 39 shootings, 39 murders.

Something crazy like that. I mean, you know, and those places are high level, but there's a lot of times I've seen cops act a little too much for what the situation costs. I grew up in Jersey. When cops come in, they talk to you, they ask you, they separate you, and they determine if this was even worth the fucking angle. Right.

These guys today, they'll come in, even if we do something at the store, they'll come in the store and investigate him for what? What did you do? Go fucking chase somebody. Go chase a fucking bank robber. The day after 9-11, I pulled into fucking 7-11, and a guy had pulled over the line, okay? You know, his car pulled over the line,

so my car was over the line, the guy next to me in all cars. I pulled in. I was six inches over a handicapped thing on the blue line. Yeah. Cop made a U-turn and came and gave me a $458 ticket.

I understood I was wrong, but we just blew up the World Trade Center. Yeah. You ain't got nothing better to do. You ain't got nothing better to do. You know, I see fucking kinky shit all the fucking time I'm not involved in it so it's got nothing to do

with me part of the problem with cops is there's a statistic number that they have to reach right like if they believe there's a certain amount of traffic violations taking place in LA there's a strong influence on those guys to write a certain amount of tickets

whether you call it a quota anymore because I think those things are shunned they say they don't have a quota but they have something there's some severe there's some severe incentive and if you don't meet the numbers that they expect and they in some way shape or form

think you're not addressing some of the crimes that are being committed out there, I'm sure you get a hard time for it. Listen, brother, when I got arrested in 87, that detective, that fucking moron from Boulder who I liked, you know, he got me for four years and he thought he was fucking, you know, like when they locked up Gotti. The Teflon Don. What are you talking about? You could have got me for 22 years if you would have done your homework.

If that cop would have done it just a little bit, I would have done 22 years. You don't know how many times I sat next to him in the preliminary hearing. And I'm like, I hope this dude don't recognize me. I hope he don't recognize me. Because he had come to talk to me about something else. The same fucking cop a year earlier. And he never put it together. And that would have got me more into kidnapping.

So every time I saw this cop, I would sit there. At the end, I would just call him like a big dope. Because he was six foot four with the big chest with the bulletproof. You're a dummy. You walk around like that fucking kid a couple weeks ago that pushed that fucking little Mexican hotdog cart you'll never hear from him again who little Argentinian dude that pushed that little Mexican dude with it with the fruit cart we're talking about we're talking about

see that Jesus Christ Joe Rogan. You watch lions attacking a monkey, but you haven't seen in L.A. a couple weeks ago where some poor little Mexican dude was selling hot dogs on the corner and some fucking little he thought he was one of those dudes with the skinny jeans with a Guns N' Roses shirt. Him and his fat, white, ugly fucking girlfriend went up to the dude and told him to move. You never saw this? They told him to move. Our TV man harasses LA Street food vendor flipping over his car. Oh my god,

Joe Rogan. Huh. Look at this fucking jerk off. With a dog. You can tell he's a fucking pussy. What happened? Watch. He told him to move. Little spick kid turns on his camera. Why does he want to move it?

Why? Because he's fucked. Look, he's a skinny jean guy with that dirty, filthy white animal of a girlfriend. Look at him. So he wants to be a tough guy with his Fidel beard. Watch what happens, though. Whoa. But look what the Mexican did to him.

He fucking threw that red pepper right at his fucking face. Stay the fuck away. Look, this is what the... That's what white people do. We'll call the police. That dude had to pick up and move. Let me tell you what those... You see those carts with the umbrellas? Haven't you noticed a lot more of those carts that have the rainbow umbrella Tom Segura? I've seen a few. You know why? No.

They're the cartel. Really? Remember years ago when you first moved to L.A. there was Star Maps? What's going on here at the rest of it, Jamie? The guy takes off his shirt. Did they get in a fight after this? No, he fucking threw the pepper out of his face. The fucking hot pepper.

Tremendous. The guy just took his shirt off. Yeah. See? Because he threw pepper in his face. But he's still hanging out like right there It's weird because they thought the cops are gonna come people came to help this little Mexican dude But that dude had to leave town with his fat fucking disgusting filthy girlfriend with the tight jeans

Because you know runs those things the cartel. That's why you see so many more What was his but he didn't like it there just didn't want him there because it's like Silver Lake and he's special. Oh, this is in Silver Lake? He thinks he's a white dude with his skinny fucking jeans and his little faggy fucking Fidel beard. You know what I've noticed, man? There's a lot of people that think that it's okay to be aggressive because they're in the right. But did you see him? They're in the right.

He showed up with his dog. Anytime they come with their dog, dog, ain't nothing going to go down. That's a pussy. That dude was a pussy. That poor kid. Let me tell you something. The cartel brings the coke up in fruit. They chop up the fruit.

Then they sell the fruit. They don't make a loss. They have these new umbrellas everywhere. And they have them even across the street from each other. They don't sell drugs. That's where they make the cash drop-offs. I've had people see them all the way from San Diego, all

the way to fucking Reseda. They're all on the main strips, and they're all confused. That's why they're around. Jesus. So the DEA don't catch them. They don't drop off drugs. They just drop off an envelope with a number on it. Number A52. That's Joe Rogan's number. And then some guy comes that day and picks up all the envelopes

and goes right to Encinita, and that's the end of the day. When we first got here, it was Star Maps. Oh, yeah. And what was it? It turned out to be a Spanish prostitution ring. Was it really? Fuck yeah. They were fucking those little Mexican kids up the ass.

They jumped the wall to stretch the muffler out. Oh, Jesus. Some white dude can fuck him in the ass on Hollywood Boulevard. I gotta pee. I'm trying to hold this in. Go ahead. Take your time, but hurry up. You didn't know that, Doug?

No. No, I didn't know that. That's Star Maps? They even made a movie about it. What? Called Star Maps. It really went out there with the title. What's the, wait, they made a movie about it?

Yeah. And this was what you could... Look, I'm not, bro. Look at the tagline down there, if you movie about it? Yeah. Oh, shit. And this was what you could... Look, I'm not... Bro. Look at the tagline down there, if you can read it, Tom. Yeah. Carlos wants to be an actor, but his father, Pepe, wants him to work in the family business. That is male prostitution.

Carlos decides that he will be one of his father's boys until he can. What in the fuck, man? It's called Star Maps. I had no idea. 1997. That's so nuts. No idea. That's for people that don't know.

That's the people that sold maps to celebrity homes, right? That was the whole idea. It would be on Sunset. When I first got here in 98, there was a thousand of those mooks on Sunset. When I first got here in 98, there was a thousand of those mooks on Sunset. Fucking, you know. Yeah, yeah, in Hollywood, right? Yeah.

And they're still out there. They still are, but just less Hoenn is involved with that? Well, no, I don't see the star. I see the star vans. I don't see the star maps. I don't see the fucking. I feel so much better. I was holding that one in. Crazy, man.

It's fucking craziness. And it goes fast. It's fucking craziness. What are you going to do with our lives? You know what I'm saying? What are you going to do with our lives? That's the thing. Where does it all go, man?

A thousand podcasts. A thousand. It's change fucking society You fucking us Does change us for sure? It's so you tap in all the people think all the people you've had on the conversations you've had with those people You know how much of that would you ever have if it wasn't for doing your podcast? You know it changes you it changes the way you think have if it wasn't for doing your podcast? You know, it changes you.

It changes the way you think of things. It changes me for sure. It changed a lot of the way I think of things because I get a chance to sit down with people for hours and hours uninterrupted. No phone calls, no messages, no text messages. And to be able to do that on a regular basis, you get to know people in a way different way. You don't really get a chance to do that with each other that often No to sit down and just have no distractions just you and a friend having a conversation laughing talking shit about things Well, the cool thing is that's the experience people are getting listening to it. Yeah, that's why you know

How much time how many times have we been on the road and we went to a diner afterwards and we were laughing literally until we were in tears, like falling down. We were doing podcasts. It was just nobody listening. Totally true. Crying and laughing. The three of us in some fucking strange Nashville diner somewhere. It totally is what happened today. It's the same thing, man.

Exactly. Same amount of booze. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. No, it's so cool to replicate. It's the same thing, man. Exactly. Same amount of booze. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. No, it's so cool to replicate. Anything left in that joint over there? Yeah, there's definitely.

We got more. Reefer up in the space. Reefer madness. I brought another joint. We'll have another one. Shout out to LA Speedweed. My man, Gino. Gino's the man.

Keeping it strong. Keeping it strong out here. Here we go. You know what they got to do, though? They got to be careful with these fucking things. They give you these. Look at this. It's made out of actual glass.

The thing that the weed comes in, it breaks in your pocket. Oh, that's not good. Yeah, that's not good. This one is superior. It's like when you go to a bathroom at a hotel. Like a fine scene. And they give you glasses in there. There's two glasses by the sink.

Like, what the fuck? Those pretentious weed guys? Yeah. Oh, man. Well, it's clearly an indica. Probably a South American strain. Oh, my God. I micro-dosed the other night.

It might be B.C. It might be B.C. Yeah, so I'm pretty sure pretty sure it's like maybe maybe Seattle maybe Seattle you just know it's Northwest man it's Northwest it's like basically

the good stuff Joey motherfucking DM ladies and gentlemen wow god damn I forgot there's a show tonight

yeah we're gonna forget a lot of shit along the way too yeah i feel like it's 7 p.m right now we talked about some shit earlier that was the funniest shit i've ever said in my life but if anybody asked me like how's the podcast today i would go oh dude joey diaz went on a rant it was the funniest fucking thing i ever heard in my life then he go what is it about i go couldn't tell you couldn't tell you no i also couldn't tell you what the last thing we talked about is yeah whatever that was whatever it is i don't know what it is it's not that important it's not that important but these things change us man i

know your your podcast changing you joey you know it's you it's connecting you with uh those people that like to come out to see you in a way that nothing else has ever had before, you know? No, the biggest thing about the podcast is it keeps me in check. It keeps us in check. Yeah. We got to stick to what we say. Yeah. We got to preach what we talk about.

You know, it keeps us in check, man. Yeah. There's no more, we got somebody watching us now that, you know, so it's pretty fucking interesting to me. It does keep me in check, but it also, it's pretty fucking interesting to me it does keep in check but it also it's it's um ultimately satisfying to you you know to just stay in check you know to like think about what you're doing say say say things that are as accurate as you possibly know be honest about how you know how you're thinking about these things like where you're drawing your conclusions from

totally people don't have a chance to do that that often. They don't have to be accountable for their own thoughts. You know, not to the level of, like, someone who is hosting a podcast or someone who's constantly being reviewed by people. People do hold you accountable, too. They do. They do. They do, and that's what I like about it. They should. If I get to do a periscope in the morning and I I tell people I'm going to go to jujitsu today,

I get 20 tweets that night. How was it? What did you learn? If I go, I didn't go because, oh, you fucking pussy. This is to you guys one more time. Hey, wait a minute. Let me get a little more of that. Listen, bro, let me tell you something.

The doctor told my mother to stop drinking. She stopped drinking, and 11 days later, she was dead. That's why I believe you always got to have a shot of something. You know what I'm saying? I'm not talking about fucking drinking a bottle at night. I'm not a big believer in anecdotal evidence unless it benefits me. So in that case, I'll go with that one. One, two, two, ain't going to kill nobody.

You were saying doctors say do this. Sukalamik. Sukalamik. This is it, brother. Salud. Salud. Cheers, brother. So much fun. Cheers brother Salud Cheers

So much fun Cheers brother Cheers Jamie Bad motherfucker you Good sir When you drink these things Like to us it's nothing I love the white dudes

I love crazy white people Do you? Like I don't like these I love all your criticisms I don't like nice white people They drive me with But what about Charlottesville Kind of crazy white people Like where do you draw the line? I like white people. Do you? I don't like these nice white people. They drive me away. What about Charlottesville kind of crazy white people?

Where do you draw the line? I like white people who bring a bottle of bourbon, but the most important thing is they bring a bag of ice. Because they don't want you fucking with their ice. Okay? Yeah, yeah. When a white dude shows up with a bag of ice, that's a man of class, style, and sophistication. That's the best when they go, no, no, no, no. Don't put it in the freezer. Leave it right there. That means they drop one ice cube in there every 20 minutes, and sophistication. That's the best when they go, no, no, no, no. Don't put it in the freezer.

Leave it right there. That means they drop one ice cube in there every 20 minutes, and they got a time. That's the whole thing is the fucking ice. Yeah. I totally agree, man. If you go over a dude's house, and he's got a walk-in humidor filled with cigars, do you go, huh?

Yeah, Malone. What the fuck are you doing, man? What are you doing with your time? You got a walk a walking humidor? I feel like age matches up with cigars in a way that few things do. Like, an old dude with a cigar is like, I want to hang out with him.

I want to have a drink. I want to hear what he has to say. But like a 22-year-old with a cigar, I'm like, get the fuck out of here, you douchebag. It's like a fedora and a cigar. You're 22. It's like an age. You can't have a leather vest. There's can't have a leather vest where you're like white t-shirt with a leather vest you know who smoked cool smoking he don't look cool smoking a cigar Tony Soprano

oh yeah he'd go oh he'd turn it over you're like I need a fucking cigar you know why I bet James Gandolfini really enjoyed smoking a cigar so he's like actually enjoying the cigar while he's acting like he's enjoying the cigar. I never enjoyed a Joe Rogan. He was a bad motherfucker. That was a dude with a solid ass. I never enjoyed a cigar. He was so good.

You want me to tell you something? That's the first guy I could say that I, like, a couple weeks ago, I went back to my hotel room. The fucking original getaway was on with Steve McQueen, and I forgot, bro. I forgot.

You forget Joe Rogan. Look, I get tears in my eyes. He's in the dumpster with that bitch after the thing tripped him over and she's fucking telling him all. He's like, well, we should just break ways. And she's like, well,

obviously you can't get over me having sex with somebody else that you're a mental midget. And Steve McQueen, bro, he just grabbed her by the hand. And then he goes back to the hotel and he shoots all those fucking rednecks. Oh, we forget

how bad Steve McQueen was. Look at him. Look at this fucking, look at this fucking man of a man that he was. There's my man Salazzo from The Godfather. Watch Steve McQueen with a fucking suit on. This is 1973 dog

he's so smooth this is not the scene you gotta put on the scene is when he beats up Ally McGraw and she thought it was acting

and he just he pretty much smacked the shit out of her she didn't know but he would smack the shit out of her every other day

for some reason or another. He was like John Lynch. Yeah. Watch that scene, bro. Why is that funny, Tom? It's so funny to hear the way Joey talks about it. I don't believe in violence towards women. But if I was married to Yoko Ono, you know

you gotta kick her once a day. Somewhere in the back, in the stomach. Shut the fuck up Now look how beautiful this woman was number one look at the natural beauty on this fucking woman and look at this blonde Savage of a man look at him He's fucking so Steve McQueen gets out of the car And he just starts walking in front of the car does he smack her after this watch he was little faggy head dude beautiful hair right look at him with his black suit on he's furious

fine hair i'd wear my hair like that yes i would me too like that my hair's starting to fall i gotta put grazy glue i figured out that's how you don't want to lose your head put crazy glue in the morning it won't go nowhere now She's getting out of the car. She looks upset. Very emotional. What year is this? 72. I was 9 and I went to see this the first weekend. My mother

goes, what did you go see? Steve McQueen. Are you fucking crazy? Wow. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, dude, he's hitting her for real. She didn't know she was going to get hit. She didn't know. Oh, my God.

Fuck, man. Jesus man When was the last time you saw this You gotta see this shit And if you really wanna to see a beating, you've got to put on the longest yard with Burt Reynolds. In the beginning, when he grabs her by the throat and hits her with a bottle of something. This is...

Burt Reynolds... We watched it here. But this is fucked up because... This is crazy. You know he's really hitting her. Yeah, man. He was going to smack her a few times. But then he wanted her...

It's like when Sean Penn did that close range with whatever. he's really hitting her. Yeah, man. He was going to smack her a few times, but then he wanted her. It's like when Sean Penn did that close range with whatever, and he kept shooting the gun, and finally Sean Penn goes, give me the gun, because you're not reacting the right way.

You're not being scared. So he shot a real gun at Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken talks about it all the time. Look at this fucking savage. Go nose. Off of me fucking savage. Go nose. Off of me.

Oh my God. That's how the movie opens and shit. Jesus Christ. Bitch. Jesus Christ. It's amazing what 40 years has done. Yeah, people used to beat people up. And look at how beautiful she was.

This woman's beautiful. You would never see anything like this. Where the hell do you think you're going? I'm splitting. I'm splitting,. You would never see anything like this. Where the hell do you think you're going? I'm splitting. I'm splitting, man. Look at his body, though. This guy was not juicing. This guy was just fucking nuts.

You all-American son of a bitch. Look at that. This is like a soap opera from Mexico. No, no, no, no, no. Stay out. No, no, no, no. This is a fucking soap opera from Mexico, bro. Totally is.

This is totally. Look at this. So, remember in the 70s, everybody had booze on TV? Everybody. Look at that. Everybody's house had booze. Vete a la mierda. Me soy Burt Reynolds.

Callate ya. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. Wow. So hostile. Oh my god, she bit him. Oh, she threw some shit at him.

This is a Mexican soap opera song. Here we go, Joe Rogan. Here she comes. Jesus, man. Oh. This is the 70s, though. Oh, my God. A fake slap to the face.

Oh, my God. That was a real throw to the ground. That was a real throw. That throw to the ground seems super real. That would hurt your hip. That's a hard floor. They didn't even give her a cushion, man. Like, look at what's going on there.'s a hard floor. They didn't even give her a cushion, man. Like, look at what's going on there.

There was an actress. They didn't even give her a cushion. Yeah. Would you let Burt Reynolds throw you to the ground? No, fuck no. No. Not that year. Dude, getting thrown to the ground hurts.

That shit hurts. Like, she just ricocheted off the ground, 100%. That wasn't a stunt person. Yeah. Do you jerk off to this stuff? What's the matter with you? Weird question. Now, dog, he gets into his car.

Super weird. He starts it up, Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan, you ready for this? He gets in his fucking whatever Lamborghini. He starts it up. And all of a sudden, you hear. Saturday night. Fucking let it skin it.

He showed me this. That's all I remember. Play that part. Oh, my God. Yeah. As soon as that, he gets in his car, starts the car, and that's what's on the rate. Look at what. Here we go.

Burt Reynolds. V8. Oh, yeah. Oh, you knew you were at the right movie. Like a black-eyed dude. Look at that shitbox. That's a Maserati? It's like an Avanti or something.

Oh, that's hilarious. Whoa, the cops. She called the cops. Unlock the door. Whoa. That car is so fast. Oh, my God. Meanwhile, that car handles like total dog shit.

What is it? I don't know, but, I mean, those cars back then, even the best ones, handled like shit. That thing had skinny tires, a fucking caveman suspension. I mean, it probably did drive a lot better than those police cars, though. Police cars are like the worst cars you could drive if you're trying to catch somebody. They have four doors. You want a car that has two doors. That's true.

Sports car. It's got a good balance and something to go around corners quick with. Race cars aren't big, long four doors. That's a lot of extra weight. That's nuts. Yeah, having a police car. But today, they have police cars today. They can make

Mustangs. They turn them into police cars. Yeah, Dodge Charger. Dude, there's some scary cars today when it comes to a car pulling you over. If the cops have that new Dodge Demon. Have you seen that thing? Yeah, that's fucking nuts. 800 horsepower. Zero to 60 in like two seconds.

Really fucking crazy. It's so stupid. I love it they make shit like sure like I love it too. It doesn't work if it's colder than 15 degrees out Dubai has the world's fastest police car a bugatti. Oh my god to buy ballin. It's gone so strong so ballin They're going so strong. I mean if you just respect bond you gotta forget about cultural differences You gotta respect their balling Oh Dubai does it up If you do it up even a little bit I don't give a fuck

Stop making excuses They ball harder than anybody Yeah They have an indoor ski place That you could have in the desert They go skiing indoors Did you have a fight there? Was there a fight there?

No But there was a fight in Abu Dhabi And we did the weigh-ins in Dubai That's cool It was weird man There's so much money there. That was Anderson against Damien Mayer. Yeah.

And Frankie Edgar versus BJ Penn, too. I'm pretty sure that was there, too. Like a few dudes that really have crazy, crazy money. Oh, I think it's off the charts. You know, I don't think we even understand oil money. You know? Yeah. Like what we make, we think we're doing good.

Yeah. These guys, and it's like many generations of having that kind of cash. It's a different level of cash. Different level, yeah. Family wealth. Yeah. It gets passed down. That's where the Gitas is.

Yeah. Old white money. There ain't no stronger gang than that, Jack. They have interior surf places, too, where you can go surfing. It's nuts, man. You ride a surfboard indoors. Is that where the government will give citizens money that just want to do anything? Really?

Yeah, yeah. In Dubai? I thought so. Maybe I have it wrong, but my cousin came here to study English from Peru, so he had a class with a bunch of people from different countries. I thought he said this classmate from Dubai would be like, everybody want to go out on Saturday? Like, it's all good.

And would pick people up in like, you know, limo buses. And he's like, hey, who's paying for this? And he's like, oh, I got it. It ain't shit. Like, don't worry about it. And then was telling them like, he was like, you're just going to pay for this? He's like, look, it's just given to me, man. I got to spend all this shit.

I don't even know what to do. Jesus Christ. And just buying everybody drinks, food, going to Vegas. Like 15 people he's just in class with. Yeah, nobody balls harder than them. Yeah, it's pretty out of control. Everywhere you go, there's Ferraris, Bentleys, Lamborghinis. There's like ridiculous, there's cars that I feel like it would be ridiculous to show up in. Well, how of those Bentley's that they have or one of those Bugatti's rather that they have as a police car for sure

It's insane. Isn't that like two and a half million bucks? Yeah, so much money. I think Floyd Mether has like six Does he really? He has so many. His spending habits are hilarious. I love him. He's got like a whole fleet just in white He's like white is right. I got a bunch of- He's got other colors too though man. Yeah, he does. He's got like a whole fleet just in white. He's like, white is right. I got a bunch of... He's got other colors too, though, man. Yeah, he does. He's got a gang of cars. Oh, man. He owed that money to the IRS.

Why didn't he just give him a few cars? Because he went so deep, so crazy. How much does he owe? Well, it's more than you want to pay. Yeah. It's in the 20 plus million dollar range. That's a lot of money, man. But it's not something that he's been

it's not like deception no it's just neglect to pay and it's also like I think and there is like a truth to this he makes so much money there's probably a point when they're like hey it's time to pay your taxes and you go like alright here's a check for 25

million dollars that's an incredible amount of money and then they go that's true check for $25 million. That's an incredible amount of money. And then they go, that's true, but you owe 50 more. And he's just like, that can't be right. You know it was not good? I've given you $25 million. Yeah, like what? Yeah, like what are you talking about, man?

He's bought over 100 luxury cars from the same dealer and always pays in cash. Hilarious. I love it. He has $15 million worth of cars. Congratulations. But he doesn't drive. I like it. Good. You can sell those. They're worth a lot of money. You can get. I love it. He has 15 million worth of cars. Congratulations. He doesn't drive. I like it. Good.

You can sell those. They're worth a lot of money. You can get that money, too. Yeah. You know, it's just, he's really interesting in the amount of money that he's able to generate. Yeah. You know, he's figured out some pretty incredible shit. He's a great villain, too, man.

Oh, he's brilliant at it. And he's just a brilliant defensive boxer. Oh, skill-wise, off the charts. Off the charts. But I'm saying that guy should get more credit for what he does as a skilled businessman and psychological warrior. He should get a lot more credit for it. Yeah, I think so, too. I think it's arguable that he's enjoying it.

He enjoys playing the villain role and enjoys flashing all the money. And if he is really enjoying it, don't you love that and respect that? Look at that fucking thing. What is that car? That thing looks amazing. That's my new $4.8 million car. $4.8 million? What is it? A CCXR? Is that a Kona Sig? Yeah. How do you say that?

That's a word that I've never said. I can't say it. I love that he starts his post with the amount to remind people. Not my new car. Yeah, my new $4.8 million car. How do you think you say that? Koenigsegg? Koenigsegg?

Koensegg? Koeng? Koeng? Koeng? Koenigsegg? Jesus Christ. Koenigse Ko-ing. Ko-ning. Ko-nig-sek. Jesus Christ. Ko-nig-sek. C-C-X-R-T-R-V-E-T-A. Beautiful.

That's a ridiculous name. Yeah, it's beautiful. Change your name. The car's dope. You're working next Saturday, correct, sir? I think so, yeah. So you're working during this fight? Oh, yeah.

I'm in D.C. Well, both are working during this fight. You're working? I had it already. No. Me too. I already booked way in advance. You're off next Saturday?

No, it's my dad's birthday. I'm going to a big birthday celebration. Are you going to try to avoid finding out what happened and then watching it? No, it depends, man. We haven't. I don't know. I'm going to gauge also his interest in it. I always try to get home before I find out anything or watch it before I find out anything,

and I always fail to do so. You always. I cannot give any temptation. What if I know what happened? I know. What if I always fail to do so. You always fail. I cannot give any temptation. What if I know what happened? I know. What if I know? It's hard, man. I go online.

Let me check real quick. Yeah. Am I worthwhile? What if they tell me it's a five-round boring decision of a title fight? On this one, it's going to be 12 rounds boxing. I know. It's an exciting event. It's one of those you'll remember the excitement to tune in.

So I think we are going to want to watch it. Con conor gregor is a magic person yeah like legitimately like to get this many people so hyped up about this fight yeah it's not just about his performances his fights it's also about like wanting to believe that there's a dude who could pull it all off yeah it's like a magic person. Do you feel like in the lead up to the fight, like as we get closer, your opinion on it has changed at all? Oh yeah, I'm a sucker for a good hype job, dude. That's why I'm a good hype

man. Right, right. Yeah. I'm a sucker for believing all that stupid shit. I thought Jerry Cooney had a chance against Larry Holmes when I was in high school. Yeah. I saw Jerry Cooney knock out Ken Norton. I was like he might have a chance against Larry Holmes when I was in high school. Yeah. I saw Jerry Cooney knock out Ken Norton. I was like, he might have a chance. I'm like, Larry Holmes is good.

Who was the other white dude that was the great white hope that I think fought Larry Holmes in 82? And he wouldn't make eye contact? No, not Shavala. June of 82. In 82. Oh, Gulotta. Was it Gulotta? Is that who you're talking about?

No, Andrew Gulotta. Yeah. No, Jerry Cooney's the guy that, is that the guy you're thinking of? Who is he? That's the guy I was talking about. Is that the guy that fought? Oh, okay, yeah. Jerry Cooney.

Yeah, that's the guy I was talking about. Good looking white dude? Yeah. When I was in high school, I thought Jerry Cooney was going to win. I was thinking about the other dude. Really? Who's the white dude from Bayonne that fought Marlon Ali? Oh, the Bayonne bleeder.

Yeah, Chuck Wepner. Yeah, I guess. He's the guy that they based the movie Rocky on. Because they didn't expect him to survive. And he kept surviving. He kept moving forward. And Chuck Wepner was the guy, I think, that was one of the inspirations for the movie Rocky. Because that guy just kept plodding forward.

And Muhammad Ali beat the shit out of him. But I don't think he stopped him. Damn. Damn. Yeah. Look at that cracker's face, man. Yeah, dude, he got dropped there. Look at that, man. Muhammad Ali in his prime was so magic, man.

What he could do as far as, like, movement, his ability to, like, move in and out and slide around. A lot of people thought he was doomed when he was going to fight Sonny Liston. There is no fucking way. This kid is in so much trouble. All he can do is box around and move and move fast, but Sonny Liston is a murderer, murderous puncher. He beat the fuck out of Floyd Patterson.

The way he would beat those guys, he'd be like, oh Jesus, nobody can stand in front of him. Like very Rumble Johnson-esque. You know, maybe even more so in his power. Yeah. Mama Ali was like, bitch, that is not taking place today. You know, it sucks about not living through an era is you can never fully appreciate it as much as you want to.

You know, like I already know, I've had enough lessons you want to you know like I already know I've had enough lessons about Ali you know but like you're like oh man I really wish I would have lived through it like I already see it now I became conscious of it now because of basketball because people are always always doing this Jordan or LeBron you know argument this hypothetical and like you go back and forth but like you real is the first time I realized there's people arguing who weren't alive during that Jordan craziness. And I'm like, oh, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now.

You have no idea what that was. Like, you can pull up any statistic you want. You have no idea. But you don't feel that. Yeah. And you didn't watch that dude become a fucking Savage like a goddamn You know Spanish conquistador in fucking the NBA where you could not believe what a killer He was like you've never seen that level of competitiveness and how like how that dude could dominate

We've never seen but there's people I realize they're like, oh no I've seen highlights and I'm like no you don't. Like, you don't get how dominant he was. Jordan. Yeah. Jordan. If you saw Jordan dominant, it was the craziest thing ever. The first time I saw Jordan fly from the foul line through the air and slam dunk a ball, I remember thinking, how does a person even do that with their body?

He literally flew through the air and slam-dunked this ball. And I'm not exaggerating where it was like, basically where the foul line was. He fucking went flying. He took like an extra step. Can you do me a favor, Joe River? One favor? Yeah.

Can you put on the top 10 dunks by Julia serving? Ooh. Just one second. Let's do that and then we'll go to Jordan. Well, that'll break it down. Before LeBron, there was Jordan. But before Jordan, there was a guy from Long Island named Julius Erving. And he used to kill one team.

The best dunks of all time were done by him against the Lakers. Here it goes. This is a regular one. Okay, this is nothing. Oh, look at that. Watch this one. One-handed. That's just superb.

That's superb. Watch this. Boom. In. Bam. Over a guy 7'4". And he's 6'6". Here's against...

Look at this. Bam. Okay. Woo! My favorite was Daryl Dawkins. Because he would destroy the backboards. Watch this one here, Joe Rogan. Game over, hooker.

Bro, I used to snort coke with Daryl Dawkins. Damn, look at that. He used to snort coke from the top of the refrigerator. Put this back. Put this back. Run this back, dog. He was going to call my podcast, but he died three weeks later. Oh, no.

Three weeks before. Three weeks before. It was a dream. I went to no no no he did that's against Bill What look at this one I guess I guess oh my god. That was it watch this one. This guy. Oh That's beautiful the elevation man The problem is that's what everybody wants to see you don't want to see all the shit leading up to that. It's like when I watched the Hall of Fame. This was tremendous. I'd hurry up and get mad.

Against the Portland Trailblazers. Look at them against Bill Wharton. Bam! And Bill Wharton kept calling for a foul. Look at him. Bill Wharton, all his shit. Look at him. Look a bitch.

You're going to be this. But I'm slamming right in your fucking face. See? Bill Wharton was calling for a foul. You know what? I feel like if you have a dishonorable claim and a foul, if you're doing something

like those soccer players do sometimes, that's amazing. But look at this one. You should lose points for that. Look at this one, Joe Rogan.

This is the one I bet. I won. I had the sixes in Philly. Look at him! Bam! Against Michael Cooper and shit. Can you imagine being there?

I was there. They gave us free hamburgers. I was down there. Look at him fly. Look at him. They gave us free hamburgers. I was down there. Look at him fly. Look at him. They were getting a point at Philadelphia.

How could I not bet that game? Okay, now go to 10 Greatest Michael Jordan Dunks. Oh, my God. And prepare yourself for a fucking Avatar movie. Get on a toilet. Get on a toilet right now. I was the ball boy for the Nets. And you find that a lot about basketball players.

First of all, do you know basketball players throw away their sneakers after every game? It's crazy. A lot of them do. So he would take the sneakers and sell them. Before eBay, he would take the Nets sneakers and sell them. Look at this crazy shit. Come on, man. That looked like somebody pressed controls and then a body did that.

He has some spectacular air time. Oh, man. Look at this. He just flies in there, man. I wonder what's like the record distance. I know I said from the free throw line, but what's like the record distance that someone's ever dunked from? The top of the key. You know who's way crazier of a dunker, though?

18 feet. It's 15 from the free throw, and it's 18 from the top of the key who's way crazier 18 of a dunker though 18 feet it's 18 it's 15 from the free throw and it's 18 from the top of the key someone maybe 20 julius erving oh my god all the time in the in the things what that now david thompson he's shaking his head jamie's saying no bueno it's about as far as anyone's done the free throw maybe the free throw maybe 15 feet yeah that's still insane that's insane look at this look at this by now it's done like The free throw line. Maybe the free throw line. That's what I was thinking. Maybe 15 feet. That's still insane. That's insane. Look at this.

Look at this shit. Someone by now has done like a foot or two behind it. Now, have you ever seen Vince Carter's dunks? No. Because that dude is 40. Let's enjoy these first.

Yeah, yeah. These are amazing. We'll go to Vince Carter, but let's enjoy these for a moment because these are spectacular. Well, this is, I mean, Jordan was just from another planet.

It's a beautiful thing. There's a lot of times Tom Segura, I mean. Jordan was just from another planet. It's a beautiful thing. It's from another planet. Tom Segura. I'm watching 30 for 30. Yeah. And I want to call Joe Rogan and call him because I know he's not that sport, like the one about Detroit. When they beat him up really bad. Yes.

And he decided to lift weights. Trying to get on that Mexican supplement, son. Yeah. He said, this ain't ever going to happen again. Look at this dunk, man. I see how jacked he was when he was like done. But Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah. He's way more jacked than he is again. Look at this dunk, man. When he was like done. But Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah, he's way more jacked than he is here.

Yeah, because he went and got on. He lifted against the Detroit Pistons. But Joe Rogan, as a basketball enthusiast, and I'll call Don Marrera, there's only one, the greatest dunk of all time, and because he jumped over a motherfucker. Who did that? Vince Carter. Vince Carter? That's what motherfucker. Who did that? Vince Carter. Vince Carter?

That's what I'm talking about. Joe got mad. Clyde Drexler against Louisville 1981. Put it on for Joe. Oh, right, right, right. Clyde Drexler against Louisville 1981. And Louisville was considered the wizards of dunk. And Houston was called five slammer jammer because that's all they did was dunk. There's a few athletes that I feel like even from our era you could bring to today

and they would be super successful. Like Marvin Hagler is one of them. I feel like if you could take— Watch this one, Joe Rogan. I'm serious. Jumps over the guy. Ready? Boom.

No, that's not the one. That's not it. That's just the one that's showing. That's not the one. That's not the one. No. that's not the one no there's a few athletes um that i think you could take today and they would be super successful like for sure julius irving for sure michael jordan for sure for sure magic johnson for sure you know no matter what like you bring them into this era they'll be successful in

almost any era yeah I'll never forget I was at a bar one night put up Vince Carter dude I was at a bar one night and there was a Cuban dude and he was passed out like this Joe Rogan

can you find the video Joey of the dude he jumped over the dude I've never seen it it doesn't look like this and this is look at this shit

what's this this is Vince Carter that guy's like 7'2". It's like that. Yeah, he's 7' tall. Oh my God, that's amazing. He rubbed his nuts on that dude's head. Watch that again.

Watch this. He rubbed his nuts on that dude's head. Oh yeah, it's incredible. He went over that dude's head. This dude still dunks like this. And he's 40. That's insane. That's an athlete.

When we were in high school, he was in high school for a minute close to us. Oh, my God. He jumped over that guy. They would show his high school highlights on local news. They would cover it like an NBA game. Dude, look at how he's rubbing his dick on that guy's ear. Watch. He's fucking his fucking face right now.

He's mind-fucking him directly through the ear oh and then slams that that's insane yeah no he Roy Jones jr. was like that Roy Jones jr. in his prime had some athleticism that didn't even make sense he was able to land a lead left hook instead of a jab where a lot of guys shot in a jab. Roy Jones Jr., he like most of the time led with a lead left hook. Whoa. Jesus. That guy can fly. Dunked his elbow in there. Yeah. Arm and rim dunk. That's the arm and rim dunk, ladies and gentlemen. It's much more difficult

than the regular dunk. I think about... You got to worry about breaking your arm. David Thompson had a 48 jump vertical inch. I think about that. That was 30 years ago. I can't imagine what kind of vertical jumps college players, they had to be up to 60, 55 inches. Those defensive backs, Michael Irvin,

Michael Irvin could jump four feet in the air. Yeah. That's how he became Michael Irvin. He's a freak for sure. The Giants with the blonde hair now. Oh, Odell Beckham, yeah. I see him at Jay Glazer's place. He ain't no bigger than you, dog.

Odell Beckham is not that much bigger than you. Jay Glazer's got a hell of a gym, huh? I saw Stallone was working out there with Chuck Liddell. I was like, what kind of crazy gym do you have? You're going to see that part. Football players, MMA fighters. All day long long training them. What's it called again?

Something, optimum performance. Unbreakable. Unbreakable? Unbreakable. Yeah. The owner is. It's a good move, man. Good move on his part.

Him and the linebacker from Chicago. That's a smart move, you know? Be a part of some sort of a cool strength and conditioning. Wow, look at that jump. Yeah, dog. This is a new brand. Catch with one hand. Well, athletes are always getting better, right?

If you go back to baseball from the 1950s and then go to baseball in 2017, you're seeing better and better athletes. You're seeing people that are just faster, smarter, train better, use better nutrition. They're optimizing themselves the best they can. The question is, like, I wonder, I wonder genetically what's happening. I wonder if people genetically are getting bigger and faster. I wonder if there's a little slight uptick that will one day, maybe 20 years from now, 30 years from now, register in a big way. Because you've got to wonder, with all these people competing in CrossFit

and all this strength and conditioning stuff, people's bodies might start literally thinking they have to work harder again. Right. They have to get stronger and bigger again. People might get bigger. This is my terrible understanding of genetics as applied to- I'm sold on it. Thanks.

Just on that alone. How do you think I should sell this to the public? Period. You just did. I spit in the cup, dog. I'm waiting. I got another three weeks. I spit in the cup to see what I'm related to.

I did it. The DNA test. Ancestry.com. Did you see that thing about all those white racists that found out they had black people in their past? That's hilarious. And then they try to discredit the test. I'm doing it for that reason.

Yeah. I'm doing it. So you know who you can talk shit about? Because if you find out that you have a certain percentage, I could talk shit about Italians. Sure. Because I'm mostly Italian. Yeah.

So most people wouldn't consider it a bad thing. Well, you motherfuckers, the Sicilians got raped by the Moors. Exactly. And then the Sicilians one night on the night of the Vespas in 1600 got up and they cut their dicks off and shoved them in their fucking mouth. That's why you can't talk about rape in front of most Sicilians. Night of the Vespas is an old Sicilian tradition. It goes, that's why those Sicilians are good with knives. Crazy. Now it's like-

Old Sicilians are good with knives. They tell you, keep them at arm's distance. With old Sicilians, don't fuck with them because they got those knives. They're good with those knives and shit. Sicilians don't fuck with them because they got those knives they're good with those knives and shit. It's crazy Cubans my sister's dark skin and then I look at my cousin who's my skin and his sister the singer is dark skin Yeah, so I know there's some African shit in my fucking blood. It's Cuba. Who's um, what's the band's name ex Alfonso? Eki Eki Eki, but is that band the band they're in the ex Alfonso. Is that it? Eki, Eki. What is that band? The band they're in. Is it X Alfonso? Is that it? His name is Eki and her name is Emma.

I've got it on my phone. It's in my... Yeah. So they own... If you ever go to Cuba... His cousins. My cousins own La Factoria. Have a fucking amazing band.

Really? Dude, they're really good. Really good, but they own La Factoria. So... Yeah, here it is. X Alfonso. That's my male cousin.

Give me some Give me some volume On this shit They're really good dude I mean no bullshit I listen to this On my way to the comedy store All the time

I get pumped up Because I don't know What the fuck they're saying So just for me It just feels good It's like Celebratory And I get into my own head

Thinking about my material That's crazy And I get pumped up Listening to this One night You sent me a video You were looking at you were listening to something else

like Italian music. I always do that. Yeah. I always listen to language that I don't understand. So you don't think about the words? Yeah, I don't think

about the words at all. See, this isn't I don't understand what this is. And there's there's ignorance in it but there's also freedom. So the freedom is

that I can hear the beautiful sound of his voice and not have any context to it. No, no, like whatever his messages or anything. And I can have it in the background and a hundred percent concentrate on what I'm trying to do. Yeah. And just enjoy it.

Yeah. And not. I hear you. It's like an instrument. Yeah. Like if you like listening to a shooting star by bad company by Bad Company, Johnny was a schoolboy when he heard his first Beatles song. That's going to change the way you feel. Yeah.

You hear about that if you're writing about a certain thing, you're not going to be able to concentrate on your subject. Sure. Love me do what I think it was. From there it didn't take him long. And when I was in high school, everybody wanted to be that guy. Everybody wanted to be that bright star that burnt out and didn't fade away and everybody's like man we lost johnny i love when he goes i love when he goes don't you know that you are don't you know that you are fucking tremendous

it's a great fucking now he's the male yeah the male. Yeah. Now, look at his sister. If you scroll down, show him his sister. So my whole family's like this, where the male is light-skinned, but my sister is dark-skinned. Yeah. So I just said, fuck it. I got him. And then some other kid sent me paperwork that I was related to some Italian Navy guy called Louis Diaz from 1832. So I said, enough with this shit.

Let me just spit in the cup. Plus, it also tells you where your genetics are and what you might die of. If you might get cancer, if you might have cardiovascular disease, it tells you what you're susceptible for. My family did a family reunion in 2000, and they hired this genealogy expert, and they thought this would be the big culmination onurday to present a family history to everybody in the family it's like 30 40 people there this weekend no no no this was in two in the year 2000 and then that guy started telling

us about this uh our first guy that came over from spain and then where he landed in like 17 20 everyone's like that's pretty cool and then he was just like he was a real piece of oh no yeah and like he killed somebody and he went to he you know went to prison and then he he was stealing from people and when he died he left 60 slaves to this person and everybody was like well let's try let's go have dinner now yeah completely ruined i think what baffles me every time you know what baffles me like there's diaz's or the cuban yeah and then there's the diaz brothers they're the mexican right yeah yeah okay so that means our relatives came from spain one went to an island yeah and the other one went to mexico

true some way or another i look at those diaz brothers And I go I got it this got we're both with all three of us retarded Mm-hmm there's got to be some type of blood that we share because we're not all there Yeah, but there's there's also Diaz in Puerto Rico right yes And that's a different kind of Diaz than the Mexican Diaz to you know it's it's you know It's really interesting once you hear enough Spanish And you hear the difference between like like being friends with you and listening to a lot of Cuban people talk. Yeah. Like Cuban people have like a very certain rhythm.

And then Puerto Ricans have like a different kind of rhythm. And Mexicans have their own rhythm. It totally changes, man. The funny thing about hanging out with Tom is people look at him and he looks like a broski from like Wisconsin or something. They don't realize he speaks fluent spanish so people will talk in spanish in front of you all the time about me sometimes yeah all the time they would never guess what what happens when you drop it on them um it's it depends man like uh sometimes you get a like uh i think you can see the shame wash over

them you know if they say something rude at the end, I'll say, like, have a nice day. You know? Yeah. Or I hope you have a great day the rest of your day. Que lo pase bien. And they're like. And then you see. Oh, no.

Sometimes there's, like, a laugh. Sometimes, you know. I've had to go even. I remember in high school, my cousin came from Peru. And we went into. It was the reverse. We went into a, what is it, GNC? Yeah.

We were, like, 14. 14 and i go in spanish because he's visiting i tell him this place is easy to steal from and then i don't realize that the uh the lady working at the store was spanish yeah oh god so instead of she just let us kind of look around and then and then she started speaking to us in Spanish we thought we were speaking to some crazy code you know like this isn't fucking you know a Farsi that you're gonna run into a lot it was Spanish but it happens all the time man they also I also realized it's probably I don't know if happens to you because I don't look Spanish a lot of times Spanish-speaking people don't want

me to speak Spanish to them why is that if they're here they're they're not appreciating that you're not letting them show you that they can speak English a lot of times. That's interesting because Americans wouldn't give a fuck. If you were over in like Italy and someone started talking English and you had like one of those translators, you're trying to like, yo soy. You're trying to talk to him and he just starts saying, is it no problem? I speak perfect fluent English you're like oh great thank god

let's just talk English here it's different though you'd never be like oh let me struggle sometimes it's somebody that I speak way better Spanish than they speak English really

I still insist on keeping it English that's rough it gives them like with me they look at me for a minute and then once I start going off yeah like those hello como, como esta?

Anybody can say those. It's when they ask me, how's your day going? Like when somebody in Spanish says to me, que esta pasando? I always say, aqui fajao con lo blanco esto, no si, ben compadre. And they look at me. I tell them, I'm here fighting with these fucking white people on a daily. And they look at me and go, okay, he's okay. But the guy at the weed store at Kushmark yeah they used to be a little security guard

and I didn't say nothing to him he never looked at my name he would just look at Joey or something he would go it that good do it all the other hockey the fat Italian and I let him roll for like eight times and one day I said oh yeah you know you know you look at that fat out of the pet or the normal of what for like eight times. And one day I said, Oye, yo nunca te he faltado el pedo a ti, no me lo falta a mi hijo de puta. And his face turned pale. Like he had a gun and everything and he got pale. Cause I said, never disrespect me

and I'll never disrespect you, you son of a bitch. And he just turned pale. A week later he's like, come here, I'm gonna get you discounts on weed up in the valley. Sure, sure. Because I lived in Hollywood at the time. But I would catch people. But it's really weird.

Yeah, some people don't. Some people don't. Some people are cool with it. Dude, you ain't seen somebody kill until you've seen Joey Diaz do half Spanish, half English in Miami at the Improv. I bet. In 2004, 2003, 2004, when that place was crazy. Yeah. That place was crazy.

You know, and I could go off in Spanish. Sure. I could go off really funny in Spanish. People would get crazy. All I imitate is the people that, you know, I grew up around. The Cuban guys I grew up around were very funny. I was telling a friend of mine the other day, I was bartending in high school. I had to quit high school and bartend.

And there was this bookie that hung out there. His name was Arnardo. And he didn't speak no English. And I used to talk to him. He was a Cuban dude built and he had a big, big gut. And one day he was sitting in a chair like this. And my buddy was yoked. And he's telling him about, you're yoked.

And he goes, I gotta go. My friend goes, what are you gonna go home for? He didn't even speak Spanish, Arnardo. He goes, what do I gotta go home for? He goes, and my friend goes, what are you talking about? I'll never forget, Arnardo was sitting in a bar chair that didn't go back. And he just started going, oh, when I go home now,

forget it. And he started making believe like he was jerking off. And he would make the noises, aye. And everybody in this bar is looking at him. His dick ain't out. But he's going, aye, aye. And when he would come, he would pop back in the chair and go, bah, bah, bah, bah. And the whole fucking bar was fucking.

And then he would sit back and go Joey would go like this He'd go He would play out the whole thing Him jerking off Switching hands And then at the end The people you run into

In your daily fucking life If you do that today They'll put you in jail I uh If you do that today If you lean back in a bar And start jerking off into the sky Oh my god

They'll put you in jail That's sexual assault Just to do the impersonation? I'm sure Didn't Jim Morrison get in trouble for that? He pulled his dick out. He pulled his dick out, I think. In Miami?

Yeah, it was in Miami. In Miami, he pulled his dick out. Yeah, famous concert. But I thought that during Mr. Mojo rising, he would make believe he was whacking off and he got arrested. I think our boy, too, got arrested. The comedian.

For doing something on stage, like a sexual something. Which guy? The original guy. Lenny? Yeah, Lenny did. I think he just got arrested for talking. I don't think he ever pulled his dick out. I think that was just Morrison.

I'm not saying pull his dick out. I mean, like, doing the motion. Oh, maybe. That you're jerking off for doing something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he definitely got prosecuted for profanity. What does it say here? Jim Morrison's arrest.

Many of the nearly 12,000 youths said they found the bearded singer's exhibition disgusting, included in the audience were hundreds of unescorted junior and senior high school girls. Morrison appeared to masturbate in full view of the audience, screamed obscenities, and exposed himself. Wow. Interesting. He says to this day morrison's bandmates deny this version of events as guitarist robbie krieger explained to the spinner they were complaining about jim whipping it out on stage which he didn't do 500 photos were entered as evidence in the trial and not one of them showed anything of the sort regardless after rejecting a plea bargain the singer was found guilty of misdemeanor counts of indecent exposure and open profanity and Wow. Interesting.

The clemency board in 2010 voted to pardon the singer. More than 40 years later. Who the fuck knows what happened? If they don't have a picture of his dick out, I thought they had a picture of it. 2010 voted to pardon the singer More than 40 years later um Who the fuck knows what happened if they don't have a picture his dick out I thought they had a picture of it if they don't have a picture his dick out somebody could have yelled His dicks out which is just like yelling fire in a crowded building. He was started hearing thing at the end of LA woman Mr.. Mojo rise yeah right and then at the end he would make believe rising rising Joe rising. Yeah. And then at the end, he would make believe. Rising, rising. Rising.

Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, maybe to them, it looked like masturbation. To him, it looked like he was playing like an air guitar. Yeah. Right? He pretended to jerk off. Yeah, maybe.

You're not allowed to do that back then. Really? That would deny like a good 40% of all of our material. It's a lot of it. If someone told you you can't fake jerk off on stage, you'd be like, ooh, how am I going to make this bit work? There's a couple specials that are gone entirely. Fuck.

That was one of my best ones. Yeah. Shit. You need to stroke it. If they edit out all the stroking it parts, you'd be like, oh, I'm so limited in my game. God damn it. God damn it. I gotta get the fuck out of here.

What the fuck, Joey Diaz? It's only three and a half hours into the show. It's four o'clock. We're gonna get killed with traffic. I gotta pick the baby up. Listen, this is one of my favorite times ever.

Oh my God. I think I'm gonna have to review it to find out what the fuck you said that made me laugh till I literally couldn't breathe. But to everybody that's been on the show, thank you.

Thank you to everybody listening. Thank you. Thanks to all, everybody. From top to bottom, been on the show, thank you. Thank you to everybody listening. Thank you. Thanks to all. Everybody. From top to bottom, I love the fuck out of you people. More to come. Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky is your mom's house. One of the best podcasts on the internet. Of course, Church of What's Happening Now. Lee Syatt, The Flying Jew

and the great Joey Coco Diaz. Available on everywhere. And that's it. Thanks. We'll see you motherfuckers tonight. See you a thousand more. 8 o'clock. Ready to go. In four hours. Stars of death.

Heroin. Jesus Christ. Everything tonight. Woo! All right. We love you guys. Thank you. Love.

I wish there was a show at the hall that we got the gas. Thank you.