The Joe Rogan Experience - #1007 - Ari Shaffir, Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

Joe is joined by Ari Shaffir, Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura to discuss a new challenge.

Have you had him on? Who? Wheeler. Oh no. Oh wait, don't- I had my punch drunk. I had my punch drunk. And we're live.

You can't tell everybody. There's a lot of people that don't know. People get mad when they find out Wheeler's real name. I was like, what? We had a conversation, me and him, and then in the middle he goes, hey, this is Ben talking. He might be going crazy. But I know that guy, too. Yeah.

I know both of them. They're different dudes. They are different dudes. He comes on my podcast as Wheeler. He's different than when he came on the podcast as the other fella. I don't want to say the name. I don't want to say his nom de pur. He's been doing these promos where he does voice over a famous person.

So it's like Garth Brooks talking, and he talks over it. He's like, hey, it's me, Garth, my private jet. I hate regular people, so I fly like this. I love Wheeler's new album. Pull it up. It's so fucking funny. I put it on my Instagram. Tommy, you showed me the video he did.

Hey, it's Garth Brooks here. I want to tell you about my new favorite record. It's called Old Wheeler by Wheeler Walker Jr. I love blasting it here on my private jet. I don't fly commercial anymore. There's always a bunch of dumb crackers who want my autograph, want me to sing low places with them. Fuck them.

I like being by myself, you know. Ain't got enough dick to go around. That's the song I like. You know, I sing that one a lot. Look at my dick. So I'll see you guys later. I'm Garth Brooks. I'm fat. I at my dick. So I'll see you guys later. I'm Garth Brooks.

I'm fat. I'm Garth Brooks. I'm fat. Wait, wait, wait. Look at it. At the bottom it says it's been retweeted by Garth Brooks. Garth Brooks did retweet it. No.

They photoshopped that all the time. No, that's him retweeting from Garth's account. That's right. So it's fake. Yeah. Damn it. I ain't got enough dick to go home with. Damn it. When he makes that motion with his face.

This is a call to Garth Brooks. This is a call to find out how cool you are. You should retweet that. That shit is hilarious. You should definitely retweet that shit. Repost that on Instagram, Garth. That shit's hilarious. And I'm a Garth Brooks fan.

I don't give a fuck what anybody says. I'm not. But that... How dare you? We got friends in low places. If that comes on, you don't get excited? No, man, no. What?

It's all right. It's fine. It's fine. I listen in Bar Jam. I listen to Country Boy Can't Survive. I'll get fired up for that. Okay, that's different. I'll get fired up for that.

That's complete next level. Wait, that's not Garth Brooks. No, I know. I'm making a point there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get excited about that. Yeah, that's a good song. That's a killer song. Fuck, yeah, it is, dude. excited about that. Yeah, that's a good song. That's a killer song.

Fuck, yeah, it is, dude. But when that song comes on, I want to fucking be in a pickup. I want to drink beer. I want to have a dip in. Yeah. I want to shoot somebody. Hank Williams Jr., motherfucker. Yeah.

That song is fantastic. That was Matt Hughes' walkout song. Yeah, that's right. I had a fight for that. Country Boy Can't Survive? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a great song. That's a great walkout song. Yeah, that's right. Which one? Yeah, I had a fight for that. Country Boy Can't Survive? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great song. That's a great walkout song, too.

That might be the best walkout song ever. Oh, no. It's Raining Men. Who did that? Me, if I ever fight. Oh, but you know what? Mickey Galls might be the best. What do you have?

He comes out to a... Oh, Mickey, you're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so fine. You're so finekey you're so fine you're so funny

that might be the best i don't know that's because that one's not taking seriously at all legitimately hilarious that he comes out to that and he's a beautiful man yeah did he wear did he wear weird like different cut like pink stuff like as a making a point someone did right Weird shit, like different cut, like pink stuff, like as a making a point. Someone did, right? A bunch of guys have. But I went to a fight once where some dude came out in a tutu or some shit. What? Yeah, so he was wearing something girly, and everybody was like, he better win this shit.

Tutu. Something like, I don't know, like a skirt or some shit. The Pride days, they did that? They dressed like Lil Bo Peep? Yeah. And they walked up and down the aisle or whatever. Well, there was one dude who fought in K-1 who was a famous cross-dresser in Japan. And he was a bad motherfucker. He wasn't like necessarily a constant cross-dresser. Yeah.

But occasionally he would dress up like a schoolgirl. Yeah, it was cool. Yeah. What is this? This dude beat the fuck out of some people who like underestimated him. Yeah. Because he dressed up like a schoolgirl. See if you can find that story.

I remember it in flashes. He was a K-1. That's ballsy as shit, though. I was like, Japan, they go crazy. Yeah, he did some weird shit where he dressed up like a female anime character or something. I can't really remember entirely how the story went down, but I remember he could

fight, and it was super confusing for people because he's knocking dudes dead and he you know in the part-time he dresses up like a school girl whatever the fuck the outfit is that's the most psycho move you could do UFC fight in a girl outfit just do that I'm gonna fight you yeah like come out with pigtails and shit Just fuck somebody's world up And then lick your lollipop on the way out That's like That would be like That's like

The fucking Brutus the barber beefcake shit Yeah That would be some next level mind game shit Like you're past all the aggression That's nonsense I'm pretending I'm a girl I'm gonna fuck you up and I'm gonna pretend I'm a girl. I'm going to fuck you up, and I'm going to pretend I'm a girl up until the moment I fuck you up.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the polar opposite of what other dudes go for. If you could pull that off, you'd be so relaxed in a fight. Yeah. Because if you could figure out how to act like a girl in front of a dude who's ready to beat the fuck out of you. If they had an out-of-the-closet, queenie gay in the UFC, but was super well-trained,

that'd be the best. That would be the best. It's totally possible. The post-fight interviews would be amazing. Amazing. Yeah. It's completely... Why isn't there that? It's completely possible. Yeah. Completely possible. You're putting a call out to the universe right now for it.

Start training, queens. You just gotta get a super queen. Yeah. You're putting a call out to the universe right now for it. Start training, Queens. Yeah. You just got to get a super queen. Yeah. You know? Some, like, queen who's built like Czech Congo. Yeah. You know? Just there to fuck people up, man.

Just there to smash people and get them to suck their dicks. Oh, shut up. This is the Japanese guy. Yeah. A little bit of people. Umbrella. UFC 94. Oh, no, no. This is, uh, isn't this Ono? Yeah. A little bit of people. Umbrella. UFC 94. Oh, no, no.

This is, isn't this Ono? Yeah. Is this the one you saw, Tom? No. Yeah, it's Gono. Gono, he was in Pride, though. Yeah, yeah. This is the UFC fight where he came in dressed like a girl.

Yeah. Did a choreographed dance? Is this the one? Oh, that's great. Is this the one you're thinking of, R, or are you thinking about the Japanese guy? No, the Japanese one. But this one I remember now. He did a choreographed dance.

I forgot about this completely. Did he win? Jamie, this is a strong pull. Strong selection by young Jamie. He had no luck. He was good, right? Dude, I don't remember this at all. Did he win this fight?

I hope so. You don't even know he's fighting yet. I don't remember who Gono fought. Wait. Well, if you just go further ahead, it was a fan video. It was a fan video. Oh, it's a fan video. Oh. Akihiro Gono fought. Wait. Well, if you just go further ahead, it was a fan video. It's a fan video. Oh, it's a fan video. Oh.

Akihiro Gono. Yeah, he was like, man, I think he was in Shudo. He was definitely a Japanese star. Oh, shit. A lot of those guys, by the time they came

to the United States, they had already been in so many wars. They just weren't the same anymore. Yeah. Like Gomi. Gomi wasn't the same anymore.

Sakurai wasn't the same anymore He's got heels on Yeah Look at this Wow Oh my god It's a good move man Yeah It's a good move

I'd like to be one of the side bitches Yeah I think they're well well trained too Oh yeah I think that's probably his fight team or something Probably Oh trained too oh yeah that's probably his fight team or something probably oh yeah that's what i was saying i guess at the time of that fight a gono that's going on

you know i like this dude It would help you relax. He's biting his lip. Oh, hell yeah. Over here. Oh, yeah. I know that guy. He's like, what? It's probably seriously a good idea.

Hey, man, you got to take your dress off. Hilarious. Take your heels off, too. He fought John Fitch. I do not think he won. I think he got beat down. John Fitch had a super long win streak right around then. Yep.

I think that was before John fought GSP for the title. Yeah. I think he tied the record for most wins, and they hadn't given him a title shot. I'm like, oh, that's ridiculous. Is that who he was fighting on that card? Is it John Fitch? I was looking, and I came across this other entrance. Oh.

Is this him again? I wonder what year this was. other entrants. Oh. Is this him again? Is this him again? I wonder what year this was. Trying to remember

when the UFC brought back the 155 pound title. Because for a long time 170 was the lightest weight you could fight. You got to give this dude credit for his entrances.

There's a lot of thought put into this. He obviously does a lot of work. Mayhem Miller had a great one once. He had like a bunch of dancers behind him

and shit. He had a whole choreographed entrance when he fought in Pride. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, me too. I thought Mayweathers was so ridiculous.

He always had ridiculous entrances. I don't know what was up with his ski mask. His ski mask. What was that? He's stealing money? I don't know. I guess. Anybody who ever questions whether or not Mayhem was a good fighter, because you know

Mayhem had some hard times and getting a little nutty lately. Yeah. fighter because you know mayhem had some hard times and getting a little nutty lately yeah but if you go back to when mayhem fought sakurai no not sakurai sakuraba in uh pride dude he smashed sakuraba smashed him went right through him and submitted him really whoo yeah pull it up jamie see if you can find it it's a very impressive? Mayhem? Yeah. In the UFC or where? No, Pride. In Pride? Did he lose one by disqualification? Boy, I don't remember that.

Did he? I don't know. I didn't see it. It was like on his record. This is his dream. Oh, this was dream. This wasn't Pride. Oh, wow.

That's great. School girls. Outfits and ties and shit. Come on. How do you not love this? This is hilarious. Oh, that's awesome. You know, Mayhem's had some tough times, but he's always been cool to me.

I like that guy. I've always liked him. I like him a lot. I see him. He comes out to my shows when I do Irvine. He's a good man. He's a great guy. I mean, he's got some problems, and he was always an extraordinarily nutty dude.

He did the MTV show for a while. By the way, I ended up binge watching that one day and watching dudes fuck up guys who don't know how to fight. Yeah. Believe me, that was amazing. Dude, you know what? I remember one time when we were in Australia for fights years ago, Rampage was there. And I guess those two are good friends. So I was going from like different areas in like this mini group with Rampage.

And every time somebody wanted a picture with him, they put their arm around his shoulder. And every time he would throw their arm off. And he's like, get your fucking arm off me. And they're like, okay. And then they'd be scared for their picture. Like that. So we're going from... Get your fucking arm off me.

That was Rampage? That was Rampage, yeah. By the way, I let people pinch my nipples in pictures with me. Rampage doesn't plug, dude. So I'm sitting like... So I've witnessed that like 10 times. And then we moved to like some bar somewhere. And it's, you know, there's like...

I don't know if it's like roped off people over here. There's a lot of people in the place. But it's like a small group like this. And Rampage is here. And Mayhem comes up. And I don't know that they know each i don't know their relationship and he immediately grabs him by the throat like man he goes like ah i'm gonna fucking kill you but that for the for a split second i saw like all this just split like violence come into rampage's eyes like he he was about to murder someone and then i saw it disappear he saw him he was like he crazy as my boy but like for a quick second he turned

like just to break him in half and i was like oh that was more terrifying than any fight i'd seen rampage is a beast yeah that's cinder on his shoulders too yeah that head is so cracked too he gets so hard rampage had some epic fights in pride too before he ever even came to the ufc he has the all-time greatest slam knockout ever all-time greatest in the triangle yeah oh in a triangle smashes him down to the ground and what the fuck was the guy's name but he fought very good uh rampage was in a triangle arona ricardo arona stood up he fought the fuck and the guy still had his legs around him he just picked him up and then yeah this is like this here yeah this is the dude went for the triangle but he was elevated

and like watch go find the video so in the video he went for the triangle and rampage elevated like he lifted him up, and the dude held onto the triangle, which you just can't do. You've got to let it go at this point. See, when he's up like that, you've got to let go of the triangle. Oh, my God. And he gets slam KO'd. He's the greatest slam KO ever in the history of sports.

And he had him around. Watch this. Look at this. It's like a pillow. Blam! Dude, that is a ferocious slam. Did he hit him with his head, too? Yeah, it looks like he headbutted his face.

Yep, he did. And he actually got his eyebrow cut. I mean his head, too? Yeah, it looks like he head-butted his face. Yep, he did. And he actually got his eyebrow cut. I mean, this dude was just knocked dead. Wait, so he head-butted him? Watch this. On the way down, watch. Let it go right there. Right.

Ba-broom! Bam! Yeah. I mean, he just got fucking KO'd. This is the worst slam I've ever seen in my life out of all my years of watching fights. God. Yeah, I've never seen in my life out of all my years of watching fights. God. Yeah, I've never seen anything. Never seen anything more brutal.

Man, I would love to see him do that to Burt. Why Burt? Just to see it? Just to see it, yeah. Burt can't take that kind of impact, man. No human can. Arona was never the same. No more tickets, man.

For real. Arona was never the same after that fight. Never. Arona was like a serious contender before that fight Tate slammed me once in that gym that was downtown

they had a little octagon one of that t-shirt companies the tap out place? no the one that Anderson's manager oh yeah yeah yeah Black House yeah

and I was like show me what a slam looks like I'll do a light one I was out for a long time you were? knocked out I mean like I couldn't like move right

oh really? he picked you up? he just he's like that's just a light like yeah you gotta learn how to fall before you do that well i like not to yeah it's you gotta kind of as you're going back you kind of like relax and kind of slap the mat to dissipate some of the energy for the impact ever watch judo guys they roll and as they're rolling back they slap the mat sounds loud as shit Yeah, yeah, it literally helps relieve some of the energy of you hitting the ground. It's also like Relaxing knowing how to roll did it save my ass when I crashed a bike I was doing this scene this Kevin James movie. I haven't ridden a bike since I was a kid I don't know how to ride bikes anymore

Yeah And in this scene me and Kevin James are chasing each other, and I'm whipping him with this antenna or something like that, a flag. And as I'm hitting him with this stick with the flag, I hit the brakes. I hit the front brake. Oh. Because it's my left hand. I go, woo, over the top.

I did it like three times. Dude, I did it like three times. There's a... That's ridiculous. Yeah, it was such a dick movie. And Kevin and I have known each other since we were like super early 20s, so it was like really fun, silly. Oh, your toes are clicked in. Kevin likes shit like that, like where you slip, like you don't get good on the bike.

Anyway, I crashed hardcore. There's like a loop reel. You can see me flying off the bike. Really? It was supposed to have a... It was supposed to be a seam where I crashed. You're just pressing the front brake? Yeah, yeah. If you press the front brake, you're supposed to flying off the bike. Really? It was supposed to have a seam where I crashed. You're just pressing the front brake? Yeah, yeah.

If you press the front brake, you're supposed to brake with the rear. You're not supposed to brake with the front. But I'm holding the handlebar with my left side, and I'm hitting them like this. And I just hit that fucking thing and go over the top. But then you braced yourself for the fall? Yeah, but because I'm used to grappling and rolling around a lot, I was fine. I just wiped out. One time I went all the way over, and I had to catch myself on my hands. I went over the top

I was like, ooh this one might break some shit. So you kept Fucking times man. Yeah, I felt like three times Yeah, well you come right up Oh that was the bad one Joe yeah oh my god your face goes into it yeah wow you come right up oh your face hits the pavement shit man

yeah I'm just smiling already dude there's a couple of them that was only one one of them I went and I flew off to the left

and rolled in this like grass hillside I like wiped hard that was the one they wind up using in the movie because they were gonna yeah instead of having and rolled in this grass hillside. I was wiped hard. That was the one they wanted to abuse in the movie. Because they were going to, yeah, instead of having a stunt guy,

they had a stunt guy in a cushion, and he was going to fly over the handlebars, but I just fucked it up on my own. Poor stunt guy's watching you doing it, going, how am I going to fucking top that? No, the stunt guy was badass, actually. He did this scene with a, he took one of those bikes,

he actually knew how to ride, and he jumped an entire flight of stairs that leads down to the boston common they set up a ramp and this dude comes whipping around the corner those dudes are nuts man my god damn they're crazy you fuck up there you're breaking some shit yeah like you're gonna break they do break shit regularly man their whole bodies are just crushed dude i could have some shit. I was going like three miles an hour or something. Easy. If you're flying, there's another one. See, I'm trying to. Oh, you're really doing that with him? Yeah, I'm really beating him. But that's the one that I didn't crash.

Jesus. That was so tense. Nothing happened. Yeah, nothing happened. What happened? But yeah, man, fuck all that. Those guys are crazy. Yeah, no,, yeah, man, fuck all that. Those guys are crazy. Yeah, no, I don't want any part of that.

Those mountain bike dudes that do those... You ever see those videos they put on a GoPro on their helmet? Yeah. And they freak you the fuck out. They're on the tip of a mountain. I don't like that shit. And there's death to the right and death to the left. That's horrible.

Just a real skinny line. Oh, my God. Why do you get your thrill from that? What the fuck? Oh, dude, just watching it, I get fucking excited. I mean, I'd love to be able to do that shit. Like bombing a hill on a skateboard. You ever done that?

Just going straight down. Just bombing a hill. I've done it recently. Whoa. What? There is a moment where you're like, oh, this is... You can't stop. How do you stop it?

It's called Thrill Hill, right by my house. So I have a stick. I paddleboard my skateboard. No, but it's called Thrill Hill, right by my house. So I have a stick. I paddleboard my skateboard. No, but it's called Thrill Hill. It's what me and the girls call it. How do you slow yourself down? On a skateboard?

Yeah. You jump off it and run. Longboard? No, this is on my shortboard. You're doing it on a regular skateboard? Because I like the wheels better. So I have my stick, and I'm with the girls. We're riding back from a party, and I go, hey, let's bomb Thrill Hill. And they're like, okay.

It's an open street? Yeah, it's right by their school. Dude. It's like back, you know. Yeah, but what if? I'm not going this fast. Yeah, this is a video of me doing it. Alright, how do you slow down, Bert? I don't do this, Joe. How do you slow one of these things down?

These guys do it sideways. They go sideways. What do you do? I jump off and start running. What? Or in this case, What if you're do you do? I jump off and start running. What? Or in this case, I- What if you're going too fast? That's what happened to me. Did you eat shit? I went flying. I was dragging my stick, because I didn't realize how steep it was, because it's not this steep.

Oh, my gosh. Short sleeves. It's still steep enough where- Wait, hold on one second. You know they do this on open roads, like when cars are driving on the roads. This kid is a wizard right here. This kid is a wizard. He's got gloves.

For the people listening, we're watching this guy whiz down this hill, like masterfully on a skateboard. What's his name? He's got blocks on his. What does it say? What does it say? Atlas Trucks. Atlas Trucks, SoCal, downhill, longboarding. Fucking A, this guy's a wizard.

Yeah. That looks awesome, but one of the reasons why it looks awesome- Sean Woolery is his name. Sean Woolery. Powerful Sean Woolery. One of the reasons why it's so awesome is because the consequences of fucking up are so large. There's a split second where you're going-

And by the way, this hill is nothing. And your girls did this? On their bikes. Totally doable. Bikes are totally fine. Except brakes. But on a skateboard, I just assumed I do it on the bike all the time and it's not that aggressive.

And I start going down this hill and I start picking up speed and I realize, oh, I just signed a contract that I can't renegotiate. Oh. I'm going, and I have my stick with me,

so I start dragging my stick. Yeah. And I'm just shredding the stick. And then I'm like, oh my God, I've got to fucking, because by the way, when I do it, I usually go ahead of them and check the cross street to make sure there's no cars. But I'm like oh my god I've got to fucking because by the way when I do it I usually go ahead of them and

check the cross street to make sure there's no cars but I'm like oh fuck I didn't think this through so I jumped off and ran I blew out a flip flop ran out wait you had flip flops on by the way flip flops no shirt what the fuck dude

oh I would have fucking lit myself up oh my god a flip flop you busted one we'd scrape the shit out of you. Oh, I would have fucking lit myself up. Oh my god, a flip-flop. You busted one? I blew out the toe of a flip-flop. But luckily, I have six pairs of this flip-flop because I love them so much. And then you just ran out of it? I ran out of my, blew out. Barefoot?

Yeah, barefoot. And then I was like, ow. And by the way, the rest, obviously, the rest of the trip home, one flip-flop, stick shredded, is obviously all uphill. So I'm just like, fucking, why did I think, you know? But when you're a kid, you do that. I did much steeper as a kid, but it's just

you didn't think it through, man. No. The problem is that the risk is so fucking monumental. The risk is like end of life. Oh! Fuck! Oh! Wait! Oh!

Dude. Wait, look at him trailer. He gets off perfectly. Yeah, that's what you have to do. You have to jump off and run off it. God damn, that was nasty, dude. Dude, when you get out of control like that. Speed wobbles.

Dude, she got wiped. Oh, look at her head. The only thing worse than speed wobbles is whiskey throttle. Like when it comes to speed, you know what whiskey throttle is? No. Whiskey throttle is when you punch it and you get scared and your natural reaction is to hold it punched. Yeah. That's your natural reaction.

I get that. I do that all the time. Yeah. When you want to punch it and break, but you're just like, wait, what am I pressing on? Are you just going faster? Yeah, you're like, why am I stopping? I'm not stopping. I'm going.

We did this. We took snowmobiles into a lake one time, and we had this guy, Nacho, and he was the first guy to do it, and all they're saying is when you turn, lean a certain way, and then you'll go the other way. And so, okay, none of us have done this. They're like, but you've got to keep it fast,

and he punches it on the lake, and Whiskey throttles it all the way across the lake into a fucking tree dislocates his shoulder this is the guy showing you this is the guy i'm taking on a trip of a lifetime oh god on trip flip dislocates his shoulder this is our first activity and he was like i couldn't let go i don't like it's a whiskey throttle it's like a more like a mental you panic yeah it's a panic thrower it's like a mental you panic yeah it's a panic people have done that

with cars too they think they're hitting the gas or the brake rather than hitting the gas like Eddie Griffin in that Ferrari oh he just didn't

know how to drive yeah that was a million dollar car yeah it was like a like a LaFerrari or Enzo I think it was an Enzo took it right out

and smashed it into a wall he smashed it into a wall in a private closed course crazy ass Eddie Griffin did not know how to drive it at all. And the guy that was like, fuck, man. Yeah, it wasn't good.

No. I had speed wobbles in East Timor going down a highway and being on a really bad road for a while. So I got some good road. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm going to crank this. What were you on? Like a mopedoped probably 80 kilometers an hour oh that's pretty fast

yeah yeah and then hitting a bump and another one and then going fuck fuck fuck I'm down I'm down and then I was just like

I don't know how I managed to save it but it was like that lady when you start the heavy wobbles you're out of control you're like

you overcompensate every shift in until you're done yep I have a I think I always think riding motorcycles is so much fucking fun because it really

allows you to feel truly vulnerable. Like, I go in 70 miles per hour on an interstate in a fucking motorcycle. There's no sensation. I mean, there's no comparable sensation. Like, you can stick your head out a window, but it's nothing compared to, like, fucking flying and a car flies by you and you're like

i had to race a thunderstorm home uh in a home but where to where we were staying i had to race a thunderstorm so we get there and lightning starts striking like 10 miles away from us and they're like we should probably go this is coming on quick and so we're flying trying to race a thunderstorm home through uh through crow, I think, Montana. Dude, fucking flying down the- You can open it up there, man. It was pretty- I wish I could ride a motorcycle.

I like that. I would love to do that on Sunday mornings. I think- Yeah, like a Harley. Yeah, a way. Mountain road somewhere where people drive slow. Not here. I don't want to do it here, man.

Lonzo Bowden rides a motorcycle everywhere. He's a bad motherfucker. He is. He's weaving between cars. Like, those guys. He knows how to ride. He knows how to ride. He's had a few of them.

Yeah. Yeah. He used to have one of those Honda VTEC things. I think that's what it was called. I think he has, like, that BMW, like, all-world, all-terrain bike now. Like, the ones that you see people. Really? Yeah. Like, a crazy BMW motorcycle. all-world all-terrain bike now like the ones that you see people really yeah

like a crazy BMW motorcycle they do like the they have a competition like the whatever the top competition is for those guys off-road I think he has that bike he used to have this bike Alonzo's garage Alonzo Bowden wow he's got a bunch of motorcycles no kids ballin keeps keeps it all oh he rides he legit rides like tracks yeah well he had this he's got a bunch of triumphs and shit but he had this thing that might be a few years back that was a yamaha i think it was called a vmax and it was this big giant cruiser thing see if you can find that because this crazy motorcycle that he had it It's like this stupid, powerful, really big. Is it Honda V?

No, not Honda. Yamaha VMAX? I think I know what you're talking about. I think Doc from the Dayton Funny Bone had one. I might be even saying the name wrong. Is that the right name? Bowden? Yeah.

No, that's a lot of Bowden. But I mean, no, no, no. No, the VMAX The VMAX I'm trying to remember What the fucking Motorcycle was It was just

I don't know shit About motorcycles Like if it was a car I'd be able to remember It perfectly Is it Is it a Yamaha? Something like that

It's some Japanese bike But it was a giant cruiser And it had this Enormous engine This fucking thing Was huge It was really wide And Alonzo had one And I was like Whoa Dude bike, but it was a giant cruiser, and it had this enormous engine. This fucking thing was huge. It was really wide, and Alonzo had one.

And I was like, whoa, dude, you're riding some Tron machine. That's a scary twitch muscle in your brain to allow. Like, I know you, what's your car, Tommy, that Porsche thing? Yeah. See if you can find that one. Tom, like, we just got a BMW the other day. No model? 540. Oh, okay. 540 just- a just a BMW the other day. It's just a model 540 okay 540 Not like a 7 series not like a tricked-out one not a sport edition just like a sedan But it's fast as fucking shit

Dude the regular BMW is like a regular 3 series BMW is a better handling sports car than anything of like 30 years ago Yeah, for sure by far Just a regular one without any modifications, stock. Dude, I find myself putting it in sport mode and fucking flying. And you told me, you were like, you have no idea I got from Oxnard to LA in 30 minutes. You can really fly, man. That's it. That's it. That's it.

What is that thing called? Whoa. That thing is so big. It's hard. Does it say? No. You got to find out what the fuck that thing is so big it's hard does it say it's you got to find out what the fuck that thing is called because there's a uh there's an overhead of them that's even more preposterous what do you mean overhead the overhead view the thing is like this wide like i'm not exaggerating

there you go it's like literally wider than my body the side of this motorcycle it's enormous that looks nuts it's crazy it's essentially like this enormous engine on this super wide heavy cruising motorcycle. It just has Stupendous power dude. I drove one of those Indian those Indian judges and I judge Indian Chiefs the big fucking bags and the steering wheels out here Yeah, I was flying through the Talladega National Forest just at the beginning of autumn listening to the Leonard Skinner on my headsets just going, man, where's the whiskey?

A little bit of a buzz from doing that would be perfect. If you could trust everybody to keep their shit together, it would be awesome to ride a motorcycle, but you can't. Is that it? No, that's a Triumph. That's not it. That's not it.

That's not the same bike. You see the pipes are different? That's it. See how it has these massive pipes? See that it? No, that's a Triumph. That's not it. That's not it. That's a Ducati. That's not the same bike. You see the pipes are different? That's it. See how it has these massive pipes? See that thing? That thing is gigantite. It's a huge three-cylinder engine. By the way, those things get fucking hot as shit.

Really? Because you have an engine in between your legs. Oh, yeah. You touch your leg to it, it burns. The first time I rode one, I was like, I think I don't have something unlocked because it's hot as fucking crap. That's the bike. Rocket 3. Is 3 is that it yeah 800 plus pounds super heavy weight the triumph rocket 3 is oh is that it so that's not the same one as the other one or is it no that's different that's

different that's the Honda or Yamaha it says triumph does it the side top right you're right it does all right I'm wrong. There's another one. See if you can Google Honda VMAX. Do you want me to text Alonzo? Yeah, because now I'm looking at it. Yeah, text Alonzo. It looks different. Is that it? Give me an image on that thing.

Oof. Is that it? Yamaha VMAX. I think that's it. That's pretty wild, man. God damn it, I'm so bad at motorcycles. I can just call him real quick. We can find out right now.

I think, yeah, please do call him, because this is getting boring for people just listening and trying to figure out what the... What are the odds that Alonzo has the same number from when I got it? Hi, this is Alonzo. Leave a message and I'll call you. It might be Alonzo Mourning. Sounds like a fair deal, right?

Sounds like a fair deal. Okay, let's go with that. Thanks. Alonzo is the worst voicemail message I've ever heard in my life. Alonzo, it's Bert. I'm with Joe. Joe has a question about the bike you have. Hey, Alonzo, you used to have some crazy, was it a Yamaha VMAX?

Am I correct? Is that the crazy bike you had? You had some crazy, large, touring, super powerful Japanese bike. Or maybe my memory is shit from all the years of marijuana. Call us back. It might have just been his dick. It might have been. Super charged.

You were in the bathroom, you're like, that's a big motorcycle. That's a big motorcycle. Chromed up, spitting fire. I could get into sports car shit and motorcycles. I could. Yeah, I could get into these things for sure. I ride a bicycle around. I don't.

I think I'm wrong. I think I'm conflating this with another bike. I think the other bike was an even crazier bike than this. I think this town is terrifying to ride those in, though. It was some big-ass touring bike. I think I'm remembering it wrong. Everybody who drives one here and rides one here is like, it's just crazy with people,

especially with weed-smoking cars. People are like, they'll just cut you off. They'll fucking... And all they see when they drive by is people doing this shit. Oh, yeah. I constantly see that. Constantly see people staring at their phone. When you're on a bike, you see it more clearly. Oh, dude, you have no idea. You see, like, fucking three things ahead of you

going like, this motherfucker's not looking they're not looking god damn it they're gonna pull out yeah it is it is and i think and i'll say this i'm a very limited motorcycle driver rider obviously but like i think that's what makes it enjoyable because you're truly in the moment you you're forced to live in the moment you don't think about bills or or like yeah or like fucking percentage deals. You're like fucking. And that's why I want one. I want to take it up through the canyons out to Malibu, up Malibu to the Neptune's Nest and then take it home on like a Sunday morning when everyone's asleep. Except the drunks that are just coming home on Adderall, coked up, shit decisions, screaming

at someone on the phone. You're going to feel that clarity 90 days sober, which we've got coming up. Well, let's talk about this, guys. Ari, please crack that. Yeah, sure. Joe, can we make you a cocktail? Yeah, sure. Most certainly.

I would like to hear what you fellows have been thinking. Oh, well, we have a lot of big ideas. I think some of us were speaking big when the text was going up. If you go 90 days without drinking, there's no way. That's a quote. Easy peasy. Easy peasy. You know what you said? When's the longest you've ever days without drinking. Easy peasy. There's no way. That's a quote. Easy peasy. Easy peasy. You know what you said?

When's the longest you've ever gone without drinking? In hours. Well, I did 13 years one time. When was that? What? From 1 to 13. Come on. Comedy.

Probably the longest I've ever done, six months. Six months when? When I met Leanne. Why've ever done six months six months when when I met Leanne why did you go six months um because I wanted to see if I could do it

and uh I did six months and then we were in Italy and it was snowing in Venice and we were having dinner and I said this is fucking stupid I want to

I want to have a cocktail I want to I want to carpe diem I want to be impulsive right now yeah and so I

and Leanne looked at me and she's like you don't have a drinking problem just have some wine and let's go walk around If you want scotch soda what I love scotch there you go here to take this one, all right We nice do you drink it with ice or not? Oh look at you you fucking so Peters. What do you travel? That's it? That's it! No, that's not it. God damn it, I'm an idiot.

It looked... I thought for a second it looked like it. Dude, I might be making up a fucking crazy motorcycle in my head. I don't think I am, though. I think there was some weird cruising motorcycle that Alonzo had. Damn it.

It's driving me fucking nuts. I did six months and then I started drinking again. I think it's good to reset your clock. Six months? You reset your clock? It's like a reset button. That time you did six months, have you ever done anything comparable since?

I can do a 17 day chunk but then the road starts back up. That's the most I can be off the road. On the road, I gotta be dead honest most I can be off the road. It's habitual on the road on the road I gotta be dead honest with you like I remember Tom being like He's joking They're talking about being habitual

So I remember Tom one time I was like yeah I went out with a staff and he's like you drink every night on the road and I was like yeah What do you do and he was like, yeah, I went out with the staff, and he's like, do you drink every night on the road? And I was like, yeah, what do you do? And he was like, I go to bed. Not that? And I was like, wait, how do you do that? Because it is difficult for me to go back to a hotel room on the road and just sit there and be like, my night's done. I'm done thinking.

Yeah, you know what, man? We have like these. I write. I try to write after shows. I write on stage. I feel like you guys are all doing much bigger venues than me, so I'm doing more shows. I do not want to hear myself fucking talk or think of anything. That's a perfect time to chill with your wife.

That's the exact right time for it if you're going to do that. You don't have to. You could just go over some ideas in your head, and it seems like once you get into it, it's fun. That's the thing about writing. There's this weird thing where writing kind of tries to... It's like your brain starts thinking of it as this horrible task. Like you have to clean out a latrine or something. Your brain starts looking at it like, oh my God, I can't believe I have to do this.

But if you could just get past that, once you're actually writing, it's really fun. There's some weird psychological shit going on with resistance to writing. But hold on. How about this argument i've written i argue well no no i mean just this idea i've written my next hour what i'm working on now is finding out so like my majority of writing i do now is how do i connect things that are good that don't have a connection and how do i like uh how do i close a story i'm obsessing with how you end a good story and so like, like, I'm working.

I'm not writing new material for the next hour. I'm writing within this hour. You don't have to write anything. But if you want to write, you should just write. Like, one of the beautiful things about writing is that if you don't have a guideline and you just have an idea and you just let that idea start spilling out of your head, shit will come out that you didn't expect and that shit can become more. But if you don't sit down and do that, then it doesn't happen. You'll have some things that'll happen sometimes. You'll have some things that'll happen with friends.

There's some things that'll happen on stage. There's some things that'll happen with the things that won't happen to the things that happen when you're sitting in front of that computer because that is individual time focused only on the idea. Not thinking about killing with the crowd, not thinking about making sure that the show closes well and ends well, all the bullshit that goes on in your head when you're actually doing a bit or when you're actually performing a set. When you sit there alone with a pad or a computer or whatever the fuck you do to write, or even if you just like to do it in a tape tape recorder you're thinking about all these ideas in a way

that you're not going to do any other way so if you don't do it i mean you can definitely get by on not doing it i went by on not doing it for a long time but there's a big difference in my act between when i do it and when i don't do it. I mean, obviously I write because I have a new hour that I'm taping in February. So I do write. But do you write, like do you sit down? I do not. I wrote a book like that and it was taxing on me. Like when I wrote my book, sitting down every day at the computer and just typing out an

idea, what I do is I get on the treadmill, I have a pad on there, and I will think through a story or I'll think through a joke. Love to see that handwriting. And then I'll, it's horrible to read. And then I'll take those beats and I'll move through a story or I'll think through a joke and then I'll, it's horrible to read, and then I'll take those beats and I'll move them over to my book and then I Well, hey man, any way you're doing it is great. I mean, you don't have to do it in a way

that you have to sit in front of a computer or have to sit in front of a pad. I said if you want to record it, you can just record it by talking into it. I'll never listen to that. Anything you're doing, the idea is just working and thinking about whatever you're doing. And recording it the best way possible. For me, the best way possible seems to be a combination of having my phone right there with the notes feature on, with the voice activated, voice whatever it is, detecting, translating. I have that nearby just in case a real quick one comes into my head.

I got to get it down because my typing is not the best. It's pretty good. Yeah. But I don't want to miss a beat of how I'm saying something. Yeah. So if I say something into a text or maybe if it's like really important to say it with a certain tone, I'll say it into the memo, the voice memo thing. With that tone.

Listen right back when you're done. What's that? You can listen right back when you're done. Listen it right back and then trying to work it into a chunk that you do on stage wow what i do in terms of like getting the the segues or whatever is i try to do the bits in different orders as much as i can and then you know instead of opening with the same thing change what you open with around and then you'll like move to a different bit. And then also start bits halfway through. And then just...

See, I just got a crew to shoot two shows in Denver on Sunday night. So I recorded two different hours in Denver for what I'm working on. And then I'll go through those, and I'll chunk the bits out. And then I already chunk them out in my head. I mean, we all think probably very differently. I think I think more in my head. I think I'm a little more obsessive compulsive and I chew on ideas constantly and then I'll find a way to link them like today on the treadmill I thought I figured out a way to link this joke about my dad with this dream I had because I never liked telling

jokes about a dream I had because it's so such a really did it really happen type thing but it's a funny it is a funny dream. And I was like, and then on the treadmill, I started figuring it out. And then I hop off the treadmill and I write it down on a piece of paper. That's writing, man. You know, I mean, the time you're spending where you're just thinking about something is writing.

Some people do it by walking. I hear a lot of people say they have some of the best ideas. They walk with the voice feature. Yeah, you're on the treadmill. I'm talking about like in the neighborhood. Oh, you know, I do it at like a four. I do it like at a four for like at least 30 minutes and just with that notepad and I just write it down.

Walking for something, I learned it in New York, it would trigger the way I thought. Yeah, it changes your sights when you look at different things. So like a hardware store, it's like it makes your mind wander to something. Yeah, that's why I think they tried to get you to go outside and do it, like go on a hike.

And then when you're doing that, those ideas pop into your head. Walking is great for clarity. It makes you think. I know a lot of people, they'll write physically and then they'll think about what they wrote

when they go on a walk. Right. I had a really good writing session walking through a Target, like just walking up and down the aisles. Just thinking about shit? But you get to see people interact.

Hi, how are you? And you're allowed to mishear things. When I mishear things, those are sometimes the funniest fucking things in the world. Well, let's talk about what your current drinking status is. Because to get in the approach, can you recap what an average week is like? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, first of all, this isn't an intervention. We're all friends, right? No, we're not. We're chatting on the bed. You're not having an intervention for your friends, though. I was very nervous about doing this for that very reason. I was thinking, okay, did I suggest no booze for 90 days because I didn't think you could possibly do it?

You suggested it? Yes. Okay. By the way, I'll read the chat thread text because it is funny, and I will say Ari was the best. Just read it. I want to see how this went down. How did it go down? I know what it was.

I said 90 days, no booze, plus a marathon. As a result of the marathon claim. By the way, marathon. I can do a marathon. Yeah. Well, it was like you thought you were going to be able to do a marathon at a time. You're getting the treadmill once in a

while, you fucking idiot. He thought he could do a marathon in the same time it took us to do a podcast. We had like a three and a half

hour podcast. And he thought he was going to do a marathon. That's Kenyans run that shit. Yes, exactly. Kenyans.

Super skinny dudes who are just ripped to the fucking bone who've been running every day. Flip flops getting off a skateboard. Such a bad idea.

Such a bad idea. It's just such a delusional perspective on physical fitness. Here we go. If you run a five hour marathon, I'd be super impressed. I could do that easy. No way! Dude, no way! You can't run a marathon easy. You can't run a marathon easy. You can't run a marathon easy.

Can I tell you the one thing that... Listen, you might be able to run a marathon. You can't run a marathon easy. You're 250 pounds. Five hours is easy. Okay. You know what he said! I have a scale.

Let's put a bet right now on how much I weigh. I have a scale. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I have a scale. How much do you think you weigh? I know I weigh 222 pounds. These are just numbers. Here's my point.

I say he looks terrible, but not as bad as he looked before. Okay, good. You're not a Ken guy. That's a compliment. No, no, no. You've never run a marathon, correct? I have never run a marathon, but I've never run a marathon. So you can't say I've run a marathon easy, because it's preposterous, right?

Have you ever run when you're not looking at a TV? Like off a treadmill? I haven't done a street run in a really long time. That's so different though. You're talking fake running. You're fake running on a machine that does half the work for you. If the machine comes towards you, you just have to lift your legs up. I can tell you exactly

what would happen in a marathon. You would hit mile... What do you think? Before he starts questioning. Before he breaks something. And right about the halfway point. No way. No, no. I think right around there he would go, you're right. This is a bad idea.

No. By the way, let's double up on this. Double up on it. Let's figure out a drinking bet and then let's figure out a marathon bet. By the way, I just texted with a guy the other day, my buddy Galvin from Cowboy Show, and he's like, if you can run 12 miles, you can definitely run a marathon. No, no, that's not true. That's not true.

That's way longer. No way. By the way, this all started because you guys did this. That's because you can. You can do it. The question is, is it easy? There's not a fucking chance in the world you saying, I could run a marathon easy is an accurate statement. I'd say he can run a marathon.

Give me a mileage in a five-hour marathon. There's no way. What's my mileage? Bert, it's not an accurate statement. It's hard to do. When you're 285 pounds and you're out there running on the street, you can't do it. It's not easy. I am an athletic 220.

Okay. Okay. Listen. I was wondering, you fucking heard that and got so excited. I did. Dude. This all started. See, it's hard to do, man.

It's hard to do. That's why it's called a fucking marathon. Wait, you're not even going to concede that it's hard to do? It's definitely hard to do. So why are you saying that you could do it easy? You mean easy, you mean like for sure. You can definitely run a marathon. That's what you mean by easy, for sure.

Why? Why do you think you can definitely do it? I run every day. There's no way. I run every fucking day. There's no way. You stand in front of your treadmill and the treadmill moves towards you and you lift your legs up. You get off and you stop to write stuff.

It's not running. You're lifting your legs up and it's moving towards you. And the treadmill keeps going while you're off making a fucking Tito's and soda. Oh, you have to do it on fall. And you do what? You do a couple miles, and you run-walk. I do run-walk. That's fine.

I walk a quarter mile. I run three quarters of a mile. A quarter mile? Jesus Christ. I like to get my heart rate up and down. You want to run a fucking marathon? You walk a quarter? I like to get my heart rate up and down.

Walk, run, walk, run, walk. Run's a quarter. But when you run a quarter, you sprint it, right? Run three quarters of a mile, walk a quarter. I like to get my heart rate up and down. Walk, run, walk, run, walk. Run's a quarter. But when you run a quarter, you sprint it, right? Run three quarters of a mile, walk a quarter. He runs five feet, and then he takes breaks and drinks box wine. So this all started. He's running the new aluminum man. He had a box wine thing set up on his treadmill.

No bullshit. He's drinking a box of wine while he's running. Wait, would your approach to the marathon right now be... Just wing it. Good move. No plan? Seems to be a good idea. Everyone's doing it that way.

Maybe I'll Google something online. Dude, you need for your treadmill, you need above you a gerbil feeder so you can drink while you're running. Something with rubber attached to it. This all started because the guy you guys are claiming that is not a runner had a profile written about him on Runner's World. Did you see the photos they used? That doesn't matter.

I saw the photos. They would write a profile on Ari, too. Ari would write a profile about how he hates running. You're better than him. He'll write a whole story about how you are definitely better than him, but I'm still not running. In terms of the average marathon times,

the median average marathon was 420. I can't do 420. That's the finishing time, and that's medium. I couldn't do 420. But dude, these are fucking people that are in really good shape. That's off the take of the Boston Marathon, which is super hard. Hold on one second. You heard me.

People that are in really good shape, that's what I'm saying. Marathon running shape. These people don't weigh 278. There shouldn't be any pause here. There shouldn't be pause here and confusion as to whether or not you're in really good shape. You should get psychiatric help. There's no way in the world you're finishing a marathon. You can't say this, but hold on. You can't say

you're in really good shape. You were attempting to say you're in really good shape because I'll get super confused. I'm going to get my feelings hurt if you say you're in really good shape. Go. I am in good shape. No way. I'm in good get my feelings hurt if you say you're in really good shape I am in good shape you're no way let's just put the parameters down and then just pretend you think I'm not lying

right now I run 5 miles a day on the thing that's moving towards you and you lift your feet up I agree on that and I'll tell you what I'll go out and run 5 in the road and if I notice a big difference, I will say. Seven days a week?

Hey, listen, Bert. No, not seven days a week. I'm not in really good shape. I'm not in really good shape. Five miles? I'm in decent shape, and I work out a lot, like crazy hard. I do ruthless shit, and I wouldn't say, you know why? Because I know actual people that are in really good shape.

Yeah. Okay, that I'm not in really good shape. Okay. Listen, I'm willing to move my- Are you still saying good shape? That's an important thing when you're discussing all these possibilities. Maybe it's just like the- Marathon's being easy.

It's relative. I ran a 5K drunk one time and beat half of the fucking field. What's wrong with Doug Stanhope and Chaley? Me and Matt Fultron, we thought it was a pub crawl. Oh, that's right. You told me about this. But I beat half of the fucking field. Those are the same people that would run a marathon.

We had to stop and take a drink. Yeah, and they came there for a radio station pub crawl. How many of them are actually elite athletes? It wasn't a pub crawl. It was an actual 5K that I thought was a pub crawl. So I drank five beers before it thinking we would be getting buzzed. And it was a fucking 5K. And I beat half the

fucking people can i say something that is three miles it's uh it's over three miles i mean because i'm a runner i know these things when you say you're in good shape yes literally the shape of you is bad yeah that's not a bad shape i'll take away we're all gonna have different versions what we think good shape is well you can't have a low bar when you're talking about reality, okay? You're not allowed a little bar when you talk about things like shape I can't I cannot run I could by the way I can I could run I've can't believe I'm fucking this I just was got off the treadmill this morning I was like maybe I should take a video and show them what I'm running you passed out drunk there, but any granted It's a treadmill. It's not trail

There's no three miles this morning because I was we had to drain a treadmill. It's not trails. I ran three miles this morning because we had to drain our pool. There's no benefit whatsoever to exaggerating fitness levels. I'm being 100% level. But there's an ego issue when people do it. And you just can't do it. You can't say I'm in great shape. There's no fucking way

you're in great shape. It's literally not possible. But you are in good shape for somebody that's in terrible shape. I'll agree not possible. But you are in good shape for somebody that's in terrible shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll agree with that. I'll agree with that. I'll agree with that. And the other thing is, you do stuff.

You're active. You definitely do stuff. Okay, yes. But if we could get you to do those things and not drink, you would be an immeasurably healthier person. 100%. 100%. 100%.

Do you think that that would be something that you would want to do? Who's that guy? Is that Bert in shape? No. They're still... You're in decent shape there. You're pretty fit there. That's 217. You look pretty fit there, man. I'm 222 today. Hey, man, that's like Fedor in his prime. Yeah, but... For real. No, he looks

very fit there. He looks strong, too. I was 217, 215. That's a different... That's 265. That's the roundest of the belly. He looks strong, too. I was 217, 215. That's a different. That's 265. That's the roundest of the belly. That's 384 pounds. That's not. That is too. That's 380 at least.

Come clean. I like how your hair there forms an equator around your belly. Come clean, son. Were you in denial? How often did you dick just flop out? Could you weigh yourself in the doctor or did they have to bring in other scales in order to get all of you? Do you feel badly looking at this picture? Did you Velcro the top of your pants into your pubic hair?

Jesus Christ. How the fuck is your pants staying up? Oh, hey, pull up a picture of Tom, why don't we? Yeah, you can do that, too. Tom never got that big. He got bigger, Joe. You never got a belly like that, bro. You look like you have.

He got bigger because he's 5'9". Yes, he's an under six footer. That's cirrhosis of the liver for sure, right? No, it's only affecting the gut. Is there an over under on you right now? Because I say 54. Wow, how rude. There's no way he'll last until 54.

Tom doesn't look bad there. He looks great. That's not that bad. He does not look good there. Thick beard. He does not look good. He looks better there. No. He looks better on the other one? You don't think so? Maybe it's not good. It does not look good. It looks better there. No. Really? It looks better on the other one?

You don't think so? Maybe it's the beard. But I do think so. Well, if he had a beard there, his head would be twice as large. That's unhealthy. Sweaty. Yeah, but here, how about this? Look at him now. Ooh, slim. How much do you weigh, Tom? 180 pounds. Yeah, I guess like

195. Oh, this is killing me. This is making me regret ever texting you guys that article. You were so proud. I made it in the runner's world, boys. You said you could run a marathon. You said you'd beat me and Tom at a marathon. That's obviously one bet. Wait, wait.

We have to- That's obviously one bet. Wait, let's set up one thing. Because here's the deal. I do run every single day. Not every single day. I probably run five, four times a week. I'm running no less than five miles on a day like today is a little bit of a difference.

Wait, let me ask you something. Shoot. When are you proposing that the marathon take place? Just go from here. That's an important thing. That's an important thing. Should we just put our shirts on and go? That's an important thing to decide.

When are you proposing? A year from Tuesday. A year. Hold on. I am sweating. You're getting nervous. First of all, I need you to back me up a tad bit. We used to run every... I've always conceded...

I've always conceded that you are a great natural runner for a fat guy. You're the two and a half men of human shape. You have good endurance running. You do. Hey, you have a natural... Stride. No.

A natural advantage in this... First of all, is everybody jumping in on this? Is everybody going to compete? No, no, no. This is all pile on Bert. Bert's got to prove he's not a liar. Because you said you could beat us in a marathon. It's a ridiculous thing.

I can definitely beat you, and I can definitely beat Tom. I cannot beat you. I will do something. Okay. I do not know if it would be a marathon. I don't necessarily know. I would have to put a lot of time into running. Would you consider another proposal?

I don't know if I have the resources to do that right now. Yeah. So another idea I had that I pitched to you a little while ago was what if we did a one-day decathlon style event where it's multiple, like you have like seven activities. Different things you have to do. Yes. I will tell you that since I don't want to travel, I bike around a lot. Okay. So if we did a decathlon thing, then no, you would have no chance of still finishing, still even finishing.

Wow. I mean, it must be some sort of like putt-putt was one of the events. And then we'd have something heavy there, so you couldn't do that. And then, I don't know. Oh, maybe, though, you'd dominate if we had some sort of eating contest. No, you know what? No. I'd dominate.

We can do this in Manhattan. I'd dominate if you guys had to do what I did the night before. So we all have to drink. Oh, it's coming back to ego. Someone can't take it on the chin. I'm sweating. You guys were mocking him being 5'9". I wish I was 5'9".

We all have to take it on the chin. This is reality here, motherfuckers. Okay, let's- Wait a minute. You're 326 pounds. 326. You're 5'9". There's two aspects to the bet, though.

The bet is we're coming up with something physical, some type of physical competition, and then how long we're going to go totally sober for. We're saying 90 days, right? I can't do 90 days. Well, not totally sober. We're allowing marijuana. Let's be real. If I'm going to be real about everything, if you guys are going to be real with me, I'll

be with you. Okay. Be real. I cannot do 90 days. I don't want to do 90 days. Thank you. Thank you for quitting before we started and coming off these ridiculous statements.

And whatever we... I don't want to smoke pocket. I think everyone's going to be... Whatever we agree to, you're definitely going to be wearing a scram cam. What's a scram cam? It's a continuous alcohol monitoring bracelet. And everybody else is on honor code,

but Bert has to wear a scram cam. It's for high-risk offenders. It's for high-risk offenders. Everybody else is on honor code, but Bert has to wear a scram cam. Oh, scram cam. It's for high-risk offenders. It's for high-risk offenders. Yeah, multiple DUIs. Can you get one? Of course. You can. Yeah, yeah.

There's got to be some cops that listen that would hook us up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sweating profusely. Oh, my God. And here's the thing. If you fail the alcohol part, the bet is over. There's no more competition. Yeah, you don't.

Because otherwise it has no stakes.. Otherwise, it has no stakes. So it has to be. See, I'd be down to do something, but the problem with running a marathon is I think to do a marathon right without really fucking your body up, you should build towards it. You could probably run a marathon right away. What gives you that idea? Logic and common sense? Why would you do that?

Here's the thing. I'm not averse to a challenge, but I'm not interested in destroying my body. Decathlon over many days. If you're going to do a challenge, but I'm not interested in destroying my body. Decathlon over many days. If you're going to do a marathon, I feel like you should give yourself some time. Look, I run. There's no way you could do a marathon. I ran a 5K. What's a 5K?

5K, yeah. I ran a 5K in Vegas in January. It means 5,000 meters. It was tough, though, right? I've never. Yeah. I didn't run at all. I did zero preparation.

I mean, none. I completed it, but it was way tougher than I thought it was going to be. Oh my God. It's about three miles. I showed up to my fucking Thanksgiving a couple years ago in Cincinnati and agreed to a 10K with no training. Oh my God.

That was unbelievable pain, man. How long did it take you? I have no idea. I was in real pain, man. I started running after it. After they did it. I was like okay. This is not good It's not good that I can't run three miles. Yeah, and not be like how much are you running agony? Well? I won hills yeah, I'm not running flat see that's my argument, too Is that I think that what people are worried about is two things one?

This traditional running shoe we have the big fat heel at the bottom and you land on your heel Yeah, that was all invented by Nike really yeah, you're not supposed to run and land on your heels You're supposed to run and land on the ball your foot Yeah, your foot in the you know the strength of your foot and your calf and all that shit Decelerates your stride. That's how people are designed to run right? That's how everybody's supposed to run But somewhere along the line Nike came up with this fat heel and they changed the way people run now they run like heel first right heel yeah you're just not supposed to do that man you're supposed to run your toe

your feet and the ball your feet so a lot of what i wear is like things like these these things have like zero soul yeah there's just like this thin rubber that would protect you from stepping on hard sticks and shit. That's it. You know? And like by walking in stuff that you're supposed to walk in, your feet get stronger by running in this thing. Do you continuously run like when you're on those hills? Like you just keep going?

Yeah, I run in these Vibram five finger trail shoes. And it's like they're so thin that the other day it was so hot out that my feet got hot. Like I could feel the heat of the ground coming through the sole. It's super thin. Ryan O'Neill runs barefoot. They like Griffith Park and shit. He's a better man than I. I bought a pair of those.

When I saw you had them, I bought a pair. And I thought that would help. And then like the very next week I was on the beach and I was like, you know what? I want to run barefoot. Man, I woke up. My feet were so fucking sore in places I didn't even know I had muscles. Yeah, that's the thing. We don't usually use

our feet correctly because our feet are in these hard sneakers and the hard sneakers act as like a cast and so your muscles in your feet atrophy. They got a class action lawsuit against them, but for anybody who, no, no, no, Vibram five finger shoes did because they

created these thin toe shoes because a bunch of people got injured they said they would protect you from injury but not repetitive stress injury not like you not being conditioned for them injury there's a bunch of injuries that you absolutely can get some people are suing them yeah and you know what their claims were ruled to be either they settled or there was enough ambiguity in what they were claiming. Enough, like, you know. What they were trying to say is that they help you somehow or another from injuries. They could overall in the long run. But you've got to condition yourself to wear those fucking things.

And if you don't, you get fucked. Like, Neil Brennan blew out his plantar fasciitis. Really? He blew out his feet for fucked up for a year wearing those from run a treadmill with those He just wasn't fit for it like you have to do a lot of shit barefoot to build up all those muscles I got that in your feet put a face shadows Yeah, yes walking. Yeah, I'd wake up with my heels would hurt Did somebody had some had to do stretches to like how do you treat it? Do you remember? You sent me to

a rolfer. Oh yeah. Remember I went to a rolfer I had it so bad. That's when I started gaining all my weight. Same thing that happened to Neil happened to me. I blew out my plantar fasciitis and at the time I was probably like, probably exactly what I weigh right now maybe even more but I got to 265 because I could not

I couldn't walk. Because the heel hurt. I went to a rolfer. What's a rolfer? This is a guy. His name's Ricky the rolfer or something. I got him on Hollywood. He's a legit guy. Ricky the rolfer.

I think. And he goes in with his knuckle into the muscle or to the tendon and breaks up the fascia. And I started it. And he goes, just so you know you can yell and i was screaming at the end screaming there was a sign on the on the set on the ceiling that you're looking at that says don't worry go to the light and i was fucking screaming i called you the second i got done because i walked out of that place in flip-flops and went i can fucking walk and i called joe I was on Little Canyon.

I was like, there's two things. I was like, hey, can you tweet about my date in Portland? The Rolfer. I didn't say that, though. Ricky the Rolfer sounds like a name for a character in a Tim and Eric show. It's Don the Rolfer. Don the Rolfer. I like Ricky better.

But that plantar fasciitis, man, was no joke. Dominic Cruz got that when he came back after his surgery. Really? Yeah, tried to go too hard too quick. His feet are all taped up now whenever he fights. That's why I walk that first 15 minutes. I walk one mile to loosen up because something's fucking happening to my butt right now. If you roll your toes in the beginning of the day, too, when you're lying in bed, if foot you just do this yeah times that way then ten times that way each foot I do a hundred push-ups

I'm joking How many chin-ups can you do? Maybe three get the fuck out here. I can't do chin-ups. I can't chin-ups man How can we only do three I when I was going to boot camp or not? No, I'm not a chin-up guy. That's a lot of weight to lift up. A chin-up guy. How many chin-ups can you do?

295 pounds for three is pretty impressive, dude. 15, 18. I love how we buy into the propaganda of buns, but we're honest. I feel like Donald Trump right now. I don't know if I could do any. You're Barack Obama and I'm Donald Trump. Totally. If I could do any, I could do four.

Are you proposing, though, that, what are you proposing with the no alcohol? Yeah, look, that was you guys that started that. I am personally, personally, I thought, I don't mind. I think it's a good, one of the things I liked about the challenge that Tom and I did was that people got into it as well and could do it with us. And they started shaming each other. And that's the one thing that's the feedback that I've gotten from it is from people like, dude, me and my buddy started fat shaming each other, and that's the one thing, the feedback that I've gotten from it is from people like, dude, me and my buddy started fat shaming each other.

Yeah, yeah, that's cool. It's a lot of that. Do you feel like the booze option of taking booze off the table for 90 months, or 90 days, rather? Dude, he just had a mini stroke. He's like, no, no, wait, what? 90 months.

Do you feel the energy just suck out of the room? We're going to do a little eight-year break. You mean? That was like you on the PCH in a motorcycle and you see a guy texting. For you doing that for 90 days is just too daunting. I can't do 90 days. But is it because you appreciate the feeling that being drunk gives you? Is it because you enjoy going on stage drunk?

Nope. I don't drink on stage. I will bring a cocktail on stage with me, but I never perform drunk. Really? Ever. I mean, I have, but I don't. And you can ask anyone that's ever seen me perform. I have a Tito's and soda on stage with me, and I barely touch it.

You drink that for the whole hour? I feel like there's definitely some tweets coming in like, I saw you hammered it. By the way, by the way, by the way. Pictures of him with four shots on stage. Here's one thing that I've absolutely promised I've never done and never will do. I will never drink a fake shot. Oh, yeah. Oh, I've never drank a fake shot.

That's the worst thing. That's the worst thing. I've never drank a fake shot. People do that shit. They do that shit. They're like, so-and-so does this. I was like, no, I'm not going to drink a fake shot. Just don't bring up a fake shot.

I think it came out of necessity for some people, though, right? Some dude did that to me, and I don't remember where it was. And he just looked at me, and I drank. I go, what the fuck was that? I looked at him, and I don't remember where it was. And he just looked at me, and I drank. I go, what the fuck was that? I looked at him, and I go, what was that? And he goes, did you just give me a fake shot? I go, do not do that, sir. I go, you go back there, and you get yourself some Jack Daniels.

Get me a real goddamn shot. What kind of amateur night shit is this? Some people would request that, and they would be like, we're partying here, fuckers. My rule is don't send me shots to stage because I can't not do them. Oh yeah, of course. You can't not do them.

Let's be candid. Yeah, now you can. People, when I go out on the road, for them, that might be their party for the month. And so I get offered so many shots i think it would blow you away like how many fireball how many just vodka shots what would happen if you what would happen if you left the club just like right after the show i

went went back to your room i don't know i don't it's never happened i I tried to do it One time I tried to do it We got lost No and the manager Was like Hey man Fuck that We told everyone That you're going to this bar

It's packed They're waiting for you And I got there And then Tito's Had sent me a snowboard And it was like Yeah my meet and greets Are a little different

Because I don't mind hanging I mean I know we all don't mind But like I don't mind I would much rather Not do a meet and greet And just go to a bar At the end of the night

and just, if you want to come up and tell me that you like the podcast, you love Tommy and, or you think Ari's funnier than Tom, whatever. Like, I like that. I don't mind that. And it is part of what I do. And I, and, and. Can I ask a question? Sure.

Do you think it's weird that alcohol companies are sending you things? Just gifts and. Uh, no, I don't. Did you say a snowboard? Yeah. Tito sent me a snowboard. Do you think you should snowboard while you're drinking that shit? Shouldn't they like be real clear about that on the packaging? I gave it to the, I don't. Did you say a snowboard? Yeah, Tito sent me a snowboard. Do you think you should snowboard while you're drinking that shit? Shouldn't they be real clear about that on the packaging?

Dude, I gave it to the bartenders. Drugski is the best. Don't use what we're sending you if you use what we make. Yeah, exactly. That should be on the note. Yeah, that should be super clear. Otherwise, you should sue. Tito sends me, usually the local reps will send me a gift basket in my room.

Every week? Before I get there. Yeah, I spend every week for a while. Why don't you make some sort of a deal with them? They don't do that. What? I don't know. But you don't drink it because of a deal.

I drink it because I lost that weight when I was drinking Tito's, and I was like, well, fuck it. You switched to vodka. I switched to vodka. It's a dietary supplement. Yeah, it's a dietary supplement. Good move. Strong move for health.

I got told that somewhere overseas. And I was like, I don't know how I've gained weight when I'm so much more active and I'm eating less processed food. And she's like, Changwe, it's beer weight. Yeah. You gotta switch to a fucking gin and tonic or something. Take care of yourself. Wait, wait.

It's also, it's all wheat. We set up that you said definitely not 90 days. Okay. Definitely not 90 days. Okay. I can't. Okay. I'm going to Australia.

You think you can do 30 days sober? Yeah. When? You gotta give me some days. Okay, definitely not 90 days. Okay, I can't. I'm going to Australia. You think you can do 30 days sober? Yeah. When? You gotta give me some time. Okay. I feel like I'm negotiating a hostage. Hold on, let me talk to them.

Yeah. I can't do it because I'm going to Australia and Singapore. My first instinct was there's no way you're doing that in Australia. They'll never let you be sober.

Wait a minute. Why can't we just start it before you go on the trip? Come on, man. When is that trip? Why do you get on this podcast and pretend like you don't know me better than any old man? I just wanted to see that. If you can do 30 days, you're always going to have an excuse why you're not doing it.

So why not just do it starting tomorrow? No, that can't. Okay, well, I lose. I talked to Stan Hope about it because Stan Hope said when I told him about our conversation and he's like, I'll do 30 days. Stan Hope would go in Stanhope's in but you gotta give me a heads up

because I gotta carve it out because Stanhope takes himself away from like risks Stanhope takes he's like I can't and actually he was like really excited about it

I can't because I'm in Singapore on the 9th Perth on the 11th Sydney on the 13th Melbourne on the 14th Sydney on the 8th and Brisbane on the 18th

guys find me in Australia please and Sydney and Melbourne those tickets are moving slower than Tom's were you could you could Hold on, hold on. Sydney on the 18th. Sorry, sorry. And Brisbane on the 18th. Guys, find me in Australia, please. And Sydney and Melbourne, those tickets are moving slower than Tom's were. You couldn't do a night in Singapore, two nights in Singapore on your way from Australia. Also, you're going to be at. But you couldn't do one night without getting drunk and sitting like that? Hey, man.

It's the flights. By the way, I can do. What do you mean? What do you mean? I can do. Right. It's the flights. How are you going to do any flights? How are you going to do any flights? How are you going to do any flights?

Hold on. You're scared. I am willing. I'm willing to do 30 days in October. October 1st to the end of October. Okay. Not Thanksgiving. Halloween.

Halloween. Why that? And I have... Because I have a couple road dates, and I will be very candid with you. Okay. I do need to learn how to fly sober yeah but I can't do it to Australia so that's a good point that's fair I would never do that you pretty much always fly liquored up yeah man but hold on and now I'll tell you this always

you fly a lot wait a minute though oh god the flight to San Francisco we flew to San Francisco. That's an hour flight. That's an hour flight. Dude, let's recap. What? Let's recap. Start it off. Oh, fuck me. You start. What did you have on that flight? I brought a cocktail to your house.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But it was a party. That was a party. That was a party. Can you describe the cup? That's a different. That was a party. I didn't have a show that night. That's a different thing. What?

Can you describe the cup? I think it was a 32-ounce Styrofoam cups. He brought a guy down to the corner. By the way, I've cut back on 32-ounce Totitos and Zotos. And then in the airport and the flight together, it was eight. By the way, hold on. I got to tell you this. Uh-oh.

You know for a fact that when we sat down at the thing and the guy recognized me, he didn't even ask what I wanted. He brought what I drank. And I said one for Tommy. Okay, now listen. And I was also like, what's up, Bert? At the bar. At an airport bar. And every bartender came by to say hi because

I tip well. And by the way, I don't like flying. I had a period of time where they prescribed me on Xanax, and that got away from me. It literally did. Because you get on a plane. So you always go take one. I take one. Like a slippery fish headed downstream.

Yeah. I'd take one in the morning before the flight. I'd take one on the plane. Wow. Yeah. So I was like, I'm no Xanax. It's not healthy. I was like, booze.

So you booze it up on flights home as well as flights there? Oh, yeah. More so on those. Jesus. Yeah. I'm being honest. Please. No, no, no, no.

So this is going to be a tough challenge. So we're down to 60 days is what you're saying you can do. Right? No. I can do October, I think. What's the travel schedule like? Ari's peeing. What?

He's peeing in his kombucha jar. You can't fucking see it, so you just keep going. What? He's peeing in his kombucha jar. I just go on purpose so you can't fucking see it, so you just keep going. He's down here peeing in his kombucha jar. Why? He's too much of an animal to just go to the bathroom. I don't want to miss any of this. You're not going to, there's nothing to miss, man. We're talking shit.

I am. He's already agreed to 55 days. We'll recap you. Don't worry, man. We'll just let everybody know that you're peeing. Now we have to deal with this jug of piss. I don't know, you're nasty. The thing about the difference between a glass of kombucha and a glass of piss is that the

piss smells slightly better. That's true. That is definitely true. If you didn't enjoy the taste of kombucha and you just smelled it for the first time, it's like kimchi. You ever smell kimchi for the first time? You're like, what the fuck is that? And there's the whale jizz in the kombucha.

You're holding your dick like you're in the middle of a piss. Do you need a larger container? Yeah, he's going to switch. Oh, yeah, that's why you're drinking that water? You've got to switch dick? You goddamn animal. Just go to the bathroom. What is wrong with you?

You're going to pee on my floor for sure. You're going to? You're plugging your dick into the hole, creating a constriction effect on the piss hole. It's not the first time I pissed in a bottle, Joe. Obviously I don't need some air pressure. It's not the first time you pissed in a bottle here. You pissed in a bottle the last time you were here. He's an animal. That doesn't sound like me at all.

Bert, where are you flying in October? Everywhere. This is what makes it tricky. But I'm totally I'm totally, I mean I'd love to sculpt it so it didn't make it tricky, but I'm at DC on the 30th of September

You've got a cross country fight. Cross country fight on the 1st would be my 1st of and it would be my 1st in a little while. I have done them recently, but that would be my 1st one on the 1st and then on the 6th A six-hour flight. This is where it gets complicated. That's where you'll fail right there.

Where's the second failure coming? I have Chicago on the 19th to the 21st or 22nd. I can't be right. You can get through. That's not even a flight situation. That's hanging out in Chicago without drinking. Yeah. These are good challenges.

Those are good places to drink, though. Exactly. So many good bars. That's why it's a good drinking. Yeah. These are good challenges. Hold on, hold on. That's a good place to drink, though. Yes, exactly. So many good bars. That's why it's a good challenge. Yeah. I could do it. I'm doing a college the night before, and I'm sure that the reason I got hired is I want to hang out with me at a bar afterwards.

That's fine. I'll just get in a car. No, listen. People, you get hired because you're a funny comedian. Yeah, don't get that. They don't hire you just because they can drink with you. I got hired for a corporate for a lot of money money and i was like that doesn't seem right and i got up there and i started doing the guy goes tell the machine and let's go to a bar and i was like

all right so i told the machine we went to a bar in aspen and i was like fuck it if that's what you guys wanted for that i'll do it wow that's so weird it's a corporate it's a bunch of millionaires from new york who just are like we want that fucking guy. We want that story. Let's fucking party with him. That's hilarious. Yeah. And then this is where it gets. A lot of pressure. Yeah.

I will say that. I think sometimes it grates on you where you're like, hey, man, I do want to go to bed. Do you ever hear Kennison talk about when he became famous and he would go to parties and they would go it's him It's him He goes and they'd lay out a fucking line Like lay out some like crazy line and protein and he would he would snort it and I forget how the bit went But he talked about like his heart was fucking pounding out of his chest He's barely alive, but he didn't want to like let them down. Oh, you know

It's a crazy thing that I get is that people always want to do shots. I don't like shots. But when I go to take a sip of a drink, I will drink my legit first drink when I do stand-up, when I tell the machine story on the second show. On the second show, when I start that, I go, this is cruise control. I'm going to have my cocktail. I'm going to try to catch a buzz in the middle of the story. So I'll murder a double T dozen soda, and that's my first drink.

Also, to be clear, we went from I saw I'll murder a double T dozen soda and that's my first drink. And so uh... Also to be clear, we went from I've never drank during a show to... Double T dozen soda before every show. Murder a fucking drink during every show. During every show. I've already done an hour. I've already done an hour. I'm just telling the machine story. But uh...

But here's the tricky part of this challenge, Ari, is that we're doing the Impractical Jokers cruise on the first. And Sal, when we started doing this, he went online. He reached out to both of us. Yeah, and was like, hey, please don't do this for our cruise. Why? Because there are guys that- Don't get healthy. No, there are guys that bought tickets because they want to party with us.

Yeah. The second part, he was like, no more weed, no more tripping, you know. Sorry, can't this time. So wait a minute. What day is the cruise? On the 1st of November. I see what you're saying. But you're saying October.

Yeah, but we'd have to fly. One more time. My last day of the challenge would be on a fucking plane. You're probably going to spend, I don't know, maybe you're not. But you can celebrate on the cruise. First, but I would be landing on Halloween in New Orleans. Halloween in New Orleans is tough. With Ari Big J.

But that's what makes it a tough challenge. It's a tough challenge. Let's do it. And the Scram Cam, you cannot cheat it. It's going to be buckled to you. The Scram Cam. The Scram Cam. The Scram Cam.

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The Scram Cam.com. The Scram Cam.com. Sometimes bitches be lying. I'm calling Andy Dick in the middle of the night. Hey, yo, how do you find your scram cam results? So on Halloween, when everyone's lit up and you're going to the airport to go to New Orleans into the fucking heart of darkness, you're going to be able to survive. You're not going to just say, it's close enough. Nope. If I got that scram cam, look, let me tell you something about me. I promise you this.

Ooh, long strand, Mickey Mantle DNA. Yeah. I remember that shit. I still got it. I still got it got it dude he's in great shape let's do this i would love to weigh you right now why can't we weigh you right now just pick me up and pick up buns and see if it's heavier and then look over our heads and see what does that mean what does that mean i can tell you what does that mean i'm 22 what he said you're like talking about something completely? Look who's shorter. I can tell you who's heavier. What does that mean? I'm 22. You didn't even respond

to what he said. You're like talking about something completely different. Who's heavier? You say he's heavier than you now? Nah, I think we're probably the same weight.

We're going to your house after this. Yeah, we'll get on your scale. We'll get on your scale. Please put that shit on Periscope. I would love to see it. Periscope the fuck out of that.

I think it's probably similar actually. Instagram live. Do what you gotta do. Go Instagram live, perhaps. Yeah. Yeah. Right now, there's some people right now,

right now super uncomfortable with their own personal weight. Yeah, true. They're screaming at the three of us. You guys are fat shaming, bro. No, no, no. Oh, yeah, we are. You're fat shaming. You guys are fat shaming, bro, and it's disgusting.

Fat shaming changed my life. It changed my life. It changed my life for the better. Can I tell you the greatest thing about this weight loss in the running is just putting on my shoes. Putting on my shoes was so difficult. Jesus Christ.

Are you what? My feet are the same size. It's tight. I should have said tight. Your feet got fat. You gained weight. It must happen. Your feet get fat for sure.

Definitely. I've just put 40 pounds. You know what I've always thought though? For real. People that are giant and then lose all their weight, they must have incredible leg muscles. They do. Dude, what's Daniel Tosh's best friend, Eddie... Gosling?

Eddie Gosling. When we did a voiceover, like a cartoon together or something, and we were in the sound booth together, and Tosh is in the other room, and I go, God, man, Eddie, you've got fucking big calves. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I know. I said, no, you've got really big calves. And he's like, no, I get that a lot. And I go, no, Eddie, you've got to understand, man. And I see Tosh is in the sound booth, and he's laughing hysterically.

I go, what is it? And he goes, he used to be 380 pounds. That's why he's got big calves. And I was like, oh. That's a good Tosh impression, by the way. 380. He used to be 380 impression, by the way. 380. 380 pounds. It would be 380 pounds.

Wow. So, okay. So you must have similar calf muscles then. No, he's not that big. Beautiful legs. He's about 375. Scram. Scram.

Continuous alcohol monitoring. I wonder if you could like, do you think people play like role-playing games with their spouses and they put those on each other? If I catch you drinking, bitch, you're going to suck this dick. That's a great one. I'm not drinking. I don't drink. Get her in shit. Your machine's bullshit.

The machine's reading is always correct. You're a liar. Wait, that doesn't say... You're going to have to suck that dick. That doesn't play role-playing games. Yeah, exactly. It's like, oh, it's so hot. You're a liar. Wait, that doesn't say... You're going to have to suck that dick. That doesn't play role-playing games. Yeah, exactly. It's like, oh, it's so hot. You know what's hot?

Girls who wear those pantyhose with the elastic band around the top. Why is that hot? Why is that hot? Why is it hot with the way your pantyhose are connected? Why is that hot? Yeah. I don't know, but it is. Right?

It doesn't make sense. Why is it hot? A girl wearing garter belt is extra dirty. I like when you find something that you didn't know is dirty and then you see it and you go that's my new that's dirty like you know it's really sexy dirt glasses um turn this on turn this on no i'll get a chick who can't see that good what what's really good? I don't know. I think it's better to end on his.

No. Tell us. What? Like when a girl smells like shit. What do you like, man? I like a chick that barely showers. I hate showering. No, nothing. Come on. No, I... The last porn i saw the last point i saw that

really kind of like registered me in a new way and i was like i was like there's this thing called the dancing bear so what it is is uh what hold on but you got to hear the whole story don't start tearing it apart okay uh it's it's a faux bachelorette party. So they come in with a dancing bear who's dancing around, right? And then he goes back and he comes out and he's got a big dick and he's just... And so he... Does he get caught by accident? No, no, no, no.

So this is what turned me on, though. What? Is he comes out and he's... It's a bachelorette party. But there's like 30 girls. So clearly... It's like really big, right? Yeah. bachelor party so but there's like 30 girls so clearly it's like really big right yeah so

clearly like clearly like uh a couple of them are porn stars that he's gonna fuck because it's a porn right do you think but the rest do you think his dick was taller than tom probably his the rest of them are hired just actresses they're not porn stars they're not gonna pay that much but what turned me on was when he would join in with one of the paid regulars and he's just like he's fucking this girl and this girl's like trying to like act and he puts his finger

in her mouth the look on her face when she went oh I guess I'm in this I was like dad I want something real yeah you would terrify someone

so this was a girl that wasn't supposed to get fucked that got fucked no she didn't get fucked she just was like she just sucked his finger yeah but it was like

she was a regular girl she was a regular she was like like a extra wasn't a point And so all of a sudden but the look on her face and then she started suck his finger and you're going Oh, this is how a real girl does it. Yeah, she's like timid and nervous like Cars right now driving Oh, yeah. To Bert's voice. It's the whole thing I liked about down-blousing.

Down-blousing. I told you about down-blousing. You just pulled down someone's skirt. Those videos were hilarious. They pants people, too. Down-blousing is videos of girls cleaning toilets in a loose-fitting shirt with no bra, and then talking to the camera about inane bullshit like your wife would. But all you're doing is seeing a little bit of nip,

and you're like, oh, there's tigers in these woods. Like your wife would. So it's real. It's fucking real. She's like, hey, we should probably get new trash cans. And you're watching it, but you're seeing nip. In the video, I'm watching, and I'm nodding, going nodding going uh-huh yeah what yeah uh-huh whatever just a hint of titty today today we had to drain our above ground pool and uh that sounds like we're getting a real pool and so leanne and leanne and i were joking around in bed talking about this dream i

had and then she goes uh i'm gonna let's do this now because before it gets hot and she goes i'm gonna go put a bra on and i go or don, and I'll do the whole thing by myself. Just that little fucking side boob action you see. I fucking love that shit. So what'd she do? She kept a bra off. I trained the pool. Wow, look at you.

And then ran three miles. Crazy. Came here. Three miles. Three miles. Have you guys seen those treadmills where you actually do run? There's a treadmill that's band powered. It's called like a woodwork or something.

What's that? You know, you actually do run. Pull up, there's's band powered. It's called like a woodwork or something. I thought you were saying a very same for a doesn't run. I think that's what he's saying. They're non-motorized treadmills. It has wood in it. Use those now. They use them in like legit strength and conditioning centers.

They really take off. Which one was my treadmill? But this has resistance and it's built like a banana. So you're running on this slope. So it's all entirely on the actual motion of you pushing your body. Yeah, that's it. They're pretty badass.

It's very interesting. Because the faster you run, like physically run, the faster it goes. You push it. You don't have to press up. You're not keeping up with it. You're actually pushing it. So it's like a teleprompter. No, no, no, no. When you read a teleprompter, it goes at your pace. So if you

read faster, it goes faster. If you read slower, it goes slower. Well, it's a mechanical thing. The physical action of you running and pushing it because you're on the slope, that's what makes it go fast. You don't have to worry about keeping up with it.

It keeps up with you. And it's all a much more natural stride than keeping up with something that's on a mechanism that's having the belt feed towards you. So this is what it looks like when you're running on these things. See how... Oh, that's Woodway. It says step higher to increase your pace. You're actually pushing it. Step higher to... I will say, in all honesty honesty i know that we joke i will say i've been worried about the idea that running on a

treadmill is not it's just it's making my legs move at that rate well this is opposed to making my legs take me you're sweating it's good it is good but you see how this guy's running how is the ball of his feet is landing it's because he's running on a slight uphill slant And that's like how you're supposed to land on your feet The body is designed to like almost lean forward and you catch yourself on the ball your feet You know how much are running? I don't know when you're running on an uphill slant. You're more likely to do that That's why I like that's of a shit. Are you sure yeah? I think it's not cheap I think they're expensive as shit.

Are you serious? Yeah. I think it's not cheap. What's the name of it? That's the wood weight. Dude, running hills is the shit. And if you live in a place where you can't run hills, I get it. But if you do live in a place that has hills, running hills is the shit, man.

It is fucking amazing for a workout. You run, put a heart rate monitor on, let yourself get jacked up to a certain heart rate. When you get in and take your time, when you get down to 140 beats per minute, start running again. Jack that fucker up again to 190. Go as far as you can. Let it get down to 140. And if you just keep doing that over and over and over again, you develop so much. You just feel better. Your legs move better.

Your feet are stronger. The difference between, like, running, running, if you have the opportunity, we live in a place that has canyons everywhere, man. There's fucking trails everywhere, and they're all steep as shit. Like Runyon is steep as shit. If you can get to Runyon and run up that fucking thing, that's a phenomenal workout, man. Fucking insane.

I will say this, though, and by the way, and I have to say this, I have to give a huge shout-out to Cameroneron haynes because when i really started doing all this is i think was when you met him and i and like trying to get in shape and i hear his fucking mottos and i'm i'm sure he's probably said to himself you know i should and whatever but i hear his mottos uh no one cares work harder like i like i hear that when I run. Sometimes it's inspiration. But I will say that, like, sometimes, and I will say to people like myself, who are not as good of a shape as Cameron Haynes, some mottos could be, no one cares, but don't get injured. Because that is a big problem with running.

Dude, that guy's so tough. If he got injured, he doesn't realize he got injured. Not him. He just keeps going. Not him. But I mean, like mean people who listen to his inspiration. Nobody cares where Carter is. Sometimes I've been like, oh, I should not really try to kill myself because I actually might. You can't measure yourself against that guy.

He runs a marathon a day. Do you think he'd be disappointed that you could not do a marathon? You readily admitted it? I think if Cameron Haynes and I ran for a day, I think he'd definitely say you could do a marathon. Wait, do you know him? No, I don't. I've texted and tweeted. I think he would only be running with you for the first 30 or 40 meters.

No, I wouldn't keep up with him, Joe. It would be this preposterous conversation with you talking to a man who's far in the distance. It's two guys in really good shape. You guys know where the water is? Two great-shaped guys. Two great-shaped guys just running together. Two guys who are in great shape. Cameron's a marathon literally every day.

Go to his... He would love you. He would love you. Can we add that to the back? He would love you. He would love you. We have to figure out a psychological study. That.

That's his feet after running 205 miles. What? I could not. Is that from that one or is that 100 miles? Those are his first 100. Or they fall off. That's his first 100? Yeah. Oh, okay. This is a different one. He's 100 miles or they fall off? That's his first 100? Yeah.

Oh, okay. This is a different one. He's got a bunch of these disgusting feet photographs online. Love it. Of him losing toenails and shit. Fucking love it. So his last year he ran 205 miles and this year he's prepping for something in October that's the first time they're doing it, 238 miles.

Have you ever asked him about the approach that he went from being, let's say, just a guy in shape running to doing the 100 miles? Did he start going, like, I'll start doing marathons and then tack on two in a day? Yeah, well, the first marathon he did was very difficult, for sure. But then he started running them more. And then one time he beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon. He beat Lance Armstrong's time. Oh, run. Lance was running the Boston Marathon. Lancebs arms on a bike run Lance was running the Boston Marathon actually started out as a run this is this is a

real though hey this is a good question was this before after Lance got in trouble I wonder like I really thought that sort of that that's so stupid. He's so fast. He beat him on the bike. I was like, wow. He's one of the Avengers. He's one of the Avengers, bro. You can't even see his legs. He's just a blurb. No, because Lance Armstrong is really good at biking. That's crazy. Is it a bike factor?

Or am I wrong? Can someone please audio grab all of Ari's statements that have not killed me today? Your feet got fatter? That is worth mentioning, that he could beat a biker. Super important. No, he beat him running. And then he started doing crazy ones. Then he did a bunch of 100s.

A bunch of 100s. Last year he did the Bigfoot 200, which is actually 205 miles. What the fuck, man? And it's several thousand feet of elevation, too. You're going up, running through the mountains and shit. Does he take breaks? That's him. Lance Armstrong. Does he walk 300 take breaks? I did that's him

That's not him yeah, it is that's cam when he was all skinny cam was real skinny at one point time I'm sorry, I don't fucking fan of sublime. I guess That's cam many moons ago this thing is, I wonder which incarnation of Lance Armstrong that was. It's 2008, so it would have been right in the middle of Livestrong. That's why he's wearing all that Nike stuff. Oh, that's right. So that's before he got busted. But he was juiced to the gills.

I wonder. He was going for it there. Wow, that's funny. He'd be a roided up Lance Armstrong. Wow, I wonder. I wonder if maybe he's in his off season and he was cycling. Cycling off? Get it?

I wonder if maybe he's in his offseason and he was cycling cycling off I wonder what I wonder what kind of inspiration it was for Cameron to realize Your friend with the camera is around the corner and I see Lance Armstrong on my sights And I can get a picture where I'm passing it Oh, you're gonna do a fat check at the fucking reservoir and you're like I'm gonna pass her fucking ho ho I'm not gonna walk pastor. I'm gonna all right a reservoir. ho, ho. I'm not going to walk past her. I'm going to fucking pound it. A reservoir? Yeah, there's a reservoir I run. In his dreams, he runs outside. Do you think people understand that you were talking about running a reservoir?

Like the fat chick at the reservoir. Everybody's like, what the fuck is he talking about? You knew what the fuck I was talking about. It took me a second, though. I thought you meant having sex with a girl in high school. But wouldn't you think that the people at home that don't live near reservoirs don't know that people run around reservoirs in LA? I didn't know. I didn't think that into it.

LA has so little wildlife. We're like, let's just run around a fucking big pool. Somebody made a giant cement pool. They call it the reservoir. We're all running around it like assholes. Out here in nature. It's a perfect... That and the LA River are the perfect examples of how fake LA is.

Anybody would think it's a real fucking river. That's right. Have you seen it? It's an underpass. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah. About fake LA. Anybody would think it's a real fucking river. Yes, right. I'd heard of it. But have you seen it? You're like, it's an underpass. What are you talking about? No, no, no. It's the LA River.

Like, what? What? No. Have you seen it in a big rainstorm, though, and walked past it and stopped? Yeah, salmon are going uphill. And stopped, and you're like, wow, that's our river. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Thanks, Colorado. We appreciate your water. It's all water runoff, you know? It's so nasty. Did you ever see? Look at that. I saw that. It's all water runoff. It's so nasty. Did you ever see, look at that. I saw that. LA River, full blast. It does get full blast sometimes when we do need that.

Last year, last year got fucking crazy with the amount of water. A lot. Dude, there was so much water. It rained so hard for so many days. They lifted that drought finally last year. It pulled us out of the drought. The one that nobody in LA lifted. Actually, was that early this year?

Yeah, early this year. But here's the thing. You guys know about the Salton Sea? The Salton Sea was a place that they created by opening up the Colorado River and they literally made

a giant inland sea and it was good for a little while. Excuse me. It was good for a little while until the runoff from all these farms, from all this like giant large scale agriculture, all the chemicals and all the pesticides would get in the runoff. And then it got into the water and poisoned everything.

And there's mass fish die offs to the point where before this, they were calling it the inland Riviera, like California's inland Riviera. And Sonny Bono used to go there. And all these people used to party there. And it was like this big resort location. Now there are beaches that there's so many dead fish bones that the white of the beach sand is actually fish skeletons. That's crazy. Millions and millions of fish. Awesome.

There's still fish there and there's still people there because it's an enormous piece of water. Look at that. Those are all dead fish from this one place. So they have these mass die-offs where there's like no oxygen in the water or pollutants in the water. They have giant dead zones. These fish just float up the surface. But there's still people that fish in that water and there's still people that eat those fish. And there's these communities around them. Survivor fish? Dude, there's this people that fish in that water and there's still people that eat those fish and there's these communities around the survivor fish

Do this is amazing documentary on it. I wish I could remember what it's called It's a Val Kilmer movie of called so yeah, but that's all that but the documentaries What's fascinating is they interview the people that live in the surrounding communities? Which are the remnants of what they thought was gonna to be like these people around the resorts dude it's so crazy plagues and pressures of the salt and sea who produced that somebody important produced that too john waters that's right yes this is it narrated by john waters yeah that's the one it's amazing dude it's amazing sonny bono before he died wanted to develop some sort of desalinization like like filtration system. To get it back?

For the Salton Sea to bring it back. Yeah, because he remembers what it was like when he was a kid. Look how beautiful that is. But when that John Waters movie, when John Waters narrates this movie, you get to see the despair that's in the community now. It's really sad. Tom, back on screen. in the community now.

It's really sad. Tom, back on screen. Anyway. What's it called again? Oh, wow. Plagues and Plages of the Salt Lake City. Tom, you could totally look like that guy.

Probably. You could shave the beard. The hair is about the same. By the way, I gotta give a shout out to Tommy. That fucking mayor thing you did, I don't know why that's not a TV show. Oh, thanks, man. That is to Tommy. That fucking mayor thing you did,

I don't know why that's not a TV show. That is so funny. You ever see that? Tom's got a mayor of Cincinnati? Detroit. Where is it? He just did a fucking short film where he's just fucking hilarious. Play this.

Whose is this? It's Tom's. I didn't pay for it. No, no, it was... Can you think of any videos of you doing any... Well, I don't want to get us pulled. No, no, no. No, I can...

You can play it. You sure? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. There's a little... Commissioner Gordon's on his way over? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Batman. Tell me that's not the reason you picked him.

Look, when there's five candidates for police commissioner and one of them's named Gordon, your decision suddenly becomes very easy. Commissioner Gordon? There is a video of you smoking crack. Okay. Not okay. Crackhead wants $100,000. Oh, this crack should be mandatory in schools.

If every kid in Detroit could get crack, we could catch up to the Chinese with this stuff. You've got to get it for every kid. No kid is left behind without crack. You know, Hank, my only regret is that you weren't able to sneak the word crack in a few more times. As king of Detroit, I hereby declare today, crack day. So you were like that guy from Toronto? Oh, yeah, man. Yeah.

Yeah, and then they actually, well, we made this a little while ago, and then they actually did a feature about it, where they straight up just did it on him. Like, very much like this. Oh, really? Yeah. That guy was a character and a half, man. Man, he was wild. Did you ever see when he got coked up and he was talking about fighting people, that

he was like Mike Tyson and he would jump on him and beat their ass? Oh, I've seen it. We watched a lot of his videos. Did you see the one where he did it at town hall? And he's like, no. And it's like a midday press thing. Oh, he was wonderful. And they didn't ask him specifically about this.

He goes, and by the way, I did not tell that lady I'm going to eat her pussy, okay? He goes, I get plenty of that back at home. He goes, I get plenty to eat at home. And then he turns to the camera, and the He's like, I've got plenty to eat at home. Yeah, I've got plenty to eat at home. And then it turns to the camera and the reporter's like, oh, shit. Wait, crank it up.

It's unfortunate I have to take legal action. I don't appreciate people calling Alanna a prostitute. I've never had a prostitute here. I'm very happily married at home. That's very disturbing against my wife. Unfortunately, I have to take legal action against Isaac Ransom at George Pistopolis.

And Mark Toohey, I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing lines at the beer market. That is outright lies. That is not true. You know what? But it hurts my wife when they're calling a friend of mine a prostitute. Alana is not a prostitute. She's a friend, and it

makes me sick how people are saying this. So unfortunately, I have no other choice. I'm the last one to take legal action. I can't put up with it anymore. So I've named the names. Litigation will be starting shortly. I've had enough.

That's why I warned you guys yesterday. Be careful what you wrote. Okay, so that's all I have to say for now. And the next thing I want to call Mayor Britannia in Hamilton and tell him that we're going to have to spank the little tiger cats. Oh, and the last thing was Olivia Gondek. It says that I want to eat her pussy. I've never said that in my life tour.ek. It says that if I wanted to eat her pussy, Olivia Gondek.

I've never said that in my life tour. I would never do that. I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home. Mic drop. That's mic drop. Greatest fucking male interview of all time. Mic drop.

You know, he died and there was no coverage of that. He died. Yeah, I got sad. You don't think so? No, there was. There was. There was. I saw it. Oh, was there really?

I got sad. He came to the store once. For real? He took pictures with everybody. Yeah, he was great drinking. I wish I met him. Yeah, he's fun, dude. He was the mayor of Toronto.

Yeah, man. The biggest city in Canada. Super recently. Yeah. Super recently. He was the mayor of Toronto. The biggest city in Canada. Super recently. He was doing wild shit all the time. I think that and Brexit were two if you look at history, if you go back and look at the reign of Trump,

when Trump became president, and you look at that and Brexit, those two things happening, that opens the door of possibility. Anything almost can happen given the right set of circumstances given people getting cocky someone thinking they're way more appealing than they actually are looking at an alternative someone's charismatic they jump in and they can be crazy yeah let's take a chance with them let's take a chance it's like a small town politician politicians getting big. Yeah. You know? Running shit their own way.

That's the best thing about our current chaos politically. I think people need to understand that this can happen. Do you think about how, I know some of it is just PR stuff, like how 2020 might shape up at least with, it could possibly be celebrities being like, I'm going to do this too. It could easily. Kid Rock. Look, Donald Trump is obviously, he's got a long history of being successful at being a television host. Yeah, self-promoting.

Being a guy who's a great interview on a talk show. There's a long history of knowing how to kind of work the crowd in a certain way. It only makes sense that someone like that eventually get in. What I said, the way I described it, I was like, you had a popularity contest and an actually popular person entered. Yeah. That's the difference. Right.

Like most of these guys are popular for politicians. And here was this guy who was popular, period. Yeah. And he's way better talking than them and way better arguing, way better at being under the gun. Like when those like little hot moments with him and, you know, all those different candidates, he comes up with nicknames for them. Like the whole thing was kind of genius. Like chopped them all down and then made it through.

But now you realize like, hey, probably nobody should be doing that job. It's probably too big of a job for any one human being. You know, and this guy's doing it, and he's doing it because he won a popularity contest. That's crazy. Because then you're going to have The Rock. He's going to do it too. That's what I'm saying. You're not talking about the most qualified people

by any stretch of the imagination. You're talking about the people that people like the most that's willing to be the president. How could The Rock not win? He could win. That's what I'm saying. And could win. And so many non- regular people who can vote that don't will be like, I'm going just to vote for The Rock. I'll vote for him. No way. The Rock would not win.

If you feel like that's ridiculous, Oprah would win. Because people think she's smart. No one thinks, that'd be great. Oh my god, Oprah and The Rock together? Oh shit. Agent, get on that introduction. Shit. Jesus! This is when I wish Gary Coleman was still alive. Hey, how about this?

Can't there be co-presidents? How about we stop this fucking president, vice president? How about you have two co-presidents? We have a new system, The Rock and Oprah. Oh, taking over. The whole solar system will realign. Hmm. Be interesting.

It's not a bad idea. White people would be furious. Yeah. Nah, I don't think white people think the- Two darkies running shit. I don't think the Rock is black. No one thinks the Rock is black. Everyone's not a bad idea. White people would be furious. Yeah. No, I don't think white people think the... Two darkies running shit. I don't think the rock is black. No one thinks the rock is black. Everyone thinks the rock is white.

The rock's white. No, he's Hawaiian, man. No. No, his dad's black. His dad's black. And he's from Hawaii. He's not claimed by blacks. He's claimed by whites.

And he's gigantic. He's barely a regular person. Yeah. You're saying that white people would... He's a gigantic super athlete. White people would... White people love the rock. White people claim the Rock as The Rock.

If you don't love The Rock, you're a twat. Remember when The Rock gave me a shout out? Yeah, he was like... No, it was great about Burt. Burt's super fat. Fuck off. He said he was Team Burt. Let's not make it all about Burt.

No, let's not make it all about Burt. Let's definitely do that. That was great because Burt brought up two-a-days. He was like, two-a-days, fucking high school. And then I go, but you never up two-a-days. He was like, two-a-days, fucking high school. And then I go, but you never did two-a-days. He goes, I know, I played baseball. You choose wisely, Team Burt.

Burt, oh, this is for the bet. Yeah, this is back. Very nice. Back. How'd that turn out? Tom Wood. Tom beat Burt. Weird.

Let's team up. Mickey Mantle shit. You were close, though. You were close. Weird. Let's team up. That Mickey Mantle shit. You were close, though. You were close. I think I did much better than anyone expected. Both of you did. Both of you did. Did you expect to win? No.

At what point did you not expect to win? You had to expect at some point. When I think we were talking on the phone one night. And you were. And I was having a hard time dropping weight. Yeah, because you weren't working out. You were just eating like crazy and drinking. Because you were drinking a lot.

Yeah. These are all factors. Whatever, whatever. Yeah. Plus inside pain as well. Plus food. Yeah, food a lot. So emotions and everything.

I just run a couple extra miles. What was your jam takedown around that? Start Googling. What is the calories of one Wendy's Double Double? Wait, so when? How do I multiply the amount of calories in a Wendy's Double Double by four? If I have one double cheeseburger and run for two hours, we're good. That's a total Bert thought.

You just pulled one out of his brain. I'll just do it. I'll have some celery on top of this. By the way, it should be noted I had pot roast the night before. That's crazy total burnt thought. You just pulled one out of his brain. I'll have some celery on top of this. By the way, you should know that I had pot roast the night before. That's crazy, bro. But I still did good. No, you did good. But when did you not think you were actually...

I was sitting in my bathroom and I was talking on the phone and you were saying something like, you were talking about your diet. And I was like, my diet is just not eat over a thousand calories. Like, I'm not thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Per day, you ate less than a thousand calories? No. No. I sense inquisitivity. No way.

Okay, I'm not a fucking doctor. Whatever I had. But obviously, I lost fucking 40 pounds. In 30 days, I lost 40 pounds, correct? Yes. That's crazy. I did not eat a lot of In 30 days, I lost 40 pounds. Correct? Yes. That's crazy.

I did not eat a lot of calories. I don't know what it was. Super healthy, by the way. It's not. Definitely the way you do it. It was a fucking bet. I'm saying you did it, man. You got under obese

and that was great. Yeah. Congratulations. I was just trying to fucking show my Mickey Mantle gene and win. Yeah. And I fucked up my calories.

I didn't drink a bunch. How much weight did you cut like two days before that time? Like how much did you not drink at all? Well, we both cut water the same days. He was drinking the night before. And eating salty foods.

I didn't cut water technically. I started to do a version 24 hours before. That's great. And then when you had to go in the second day, what happened? That was way harder, man. He didn't have a drop of water the entire next day and then went to a fucking sauna that morning. And I was like. The thing is, the really unhealthy thing that we were doing was we were making it a weight loss thing.

Yeah. Instead of making it a body fat thing. It's true. If we were smart, what we would have done is a dunk tank. Have someone place that does a dunk tank where they check your body composition. Because they can do that electrical one where you hold these cables and you push your hands on them. dunk tank have some place that does a dunk tank where they check your body composition because they can do that electrical one where you hold these cables and you push your your hands on them and it's pretty good they read through your feet too body fat yeah yeah there's a bunch of different

kinds of these things this was the easiest way not that accurate weight loss yeah but the problem with weight loss is both these guys came into this thing like with a fake weight loss because they dehydrated themselves but burt didn't. He ate tons of salty food and drank a lot. No, he definitely dehydrated himself the last day. I came in thirsty as fuck and had a really hard time

not drinking water before I got here. I think Tommy drank nine bottles of water during the entire podcast. During the podcast. No, we kept giving him bottles of water.

Just throwing them down. Like a fighter? Do you remember what the number was? Do you remember what the number was? Do you remember what the number was? I remember we calculated it. It was over a gallon. It was something crazy. Wow, just to get water back in you.

And I didn't pee. I don't know if that was true. Can I just say, you made not obese by.15 of an inch. That's how close it was. That's great. And then by more the next day, where you've got to keep going for it. That's just weighing how tall you are versus how much you weigh. Yeah, that's just BMI.

Which they have since modified once and they want to actually do away with just the stuff. They should modify that. And condoms. Yeah, dude. That actually fooled me for a second. For a second? Oh my god, that's hilarious. I thought that was that guy Izzy whatever from Hawaii.

Fat comedian Bart Crazer. Keep it low and loose. Fat comedian. Keep it low and loose. Fat comedian Bart Kreisler keeping it low and loose after his loss at the weigh-ins. People,

listen, if you're listening to this, Google that. No! Google image search. Fat comedian Bart Kreisler keeping it low and loose

after his loss at the weigh-ins against undisputed water champion Tommy Bunz Segura. Look how you're surrounded by the camera. Oh my God, what a genius Photoshop it is. Jessica Wayans against undisputed water champion Tommy Buns Segura. Look at your surroundings. Oh, my God. What a genius Photoshop it is.

Fried chicken, liquor, donuts, pizza. Two-pack strips. I remember when I took that picture. Oh, my God. That is so funny. I know that face is from a Spike Video Games Award, and I shaved clean, and I saw the photos from the red carpet, and I was like, that's not a good look. That guy's got two nicotine patches on.

That is so funny. That is so funny. And seeing all the booze around, that is a genius Photoshop. That is a great Photoshop. You look so happy with those donuts. You know, that's the thing about the internet. That could be some dude

who has some regular job somewhere, and he's bored, and he's got downtime on his computer That could be some dude who has some regular job somewhere. He's bored. It's brilliant, man. And he's got a downtime on his computer, and he just creates that and throws it up there. Yeah. And there's people out there that, like, it's a secret, but it's not a secret about guys like us, like what we do. There's a lot of guys who could have done what we did. How about how good are some of these guys making posters and, like, you know, drawing?

Dude, my guy that does posters is fucking Brett Brock he is great and he is legit like a very nice dude but man those posters some of them are really good dose Brack that guy he's really great Taylor and Sherman Michael oh and Sherman Paul Grenisse. That dude's awesome. He's made amazing work. The one-by-one podcast guy. Yeah, he's good.

He's amazing. He does great shit. Hilarious stuff. Some of them are really fun. And some of the Photoshop. Just for the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. DrasticFX.

That guy from DrasticFX. He does some awesome shit, too. Did you see the Run DMC one for $1,000? That one was fantastic, man. It was great. Yeah, that was so great. It was great. How fun was that show?

So fun. That show, what Diaz made me laugh harder than any human being has ever made me laugh ever. I felt the same way. We had to look down. I looked up

and Tommy was looking at the floor too. We were both looking at the floor and Joey was just sucking all the oxygen out of the room. He was killing so hard.

I lost track. There was no way to breathe. I lost track of what he was saying at one point because I had to stop listening to him. You're crying so

he's on fire right now. Yeah. I was really excited for that podcast. Dude, it was fun. You ran a marathon. Shut up. It was easy.

Yeah, it was just over three hours. That's it, Brian. I don't have time for you to turn around and start over. Wait, dude. He's in great shape. Can we go back to this real quick? Yeah, it was just over three hours. That's a time for you to turn around and start over. Wait, dude. So can we go back to this real quick?

Yeah, what is this bet? What do you think you can do? For real, what do you think you can do? Now that you're sober for fucking 10 minutes, what do you think you can do? October, we're signing up, right? Yeah. So 30 days. Okay, you want to do 30 days?

31 days. All of October. 31 days. All of October. All of October. Stop it. All of October. All of October. Stop it. October. October.

Let's work through this. From midnight on the first of- West Coast time, wherever you are. What are you, casting a spell? You're going to get into our- Midnight. You're going to get into our- Midnight when the moon is full. Are you going to drink right up to 11.59?

Of course he is. He's going to be passed right up to 11.59? Of course he is. He's going to be passed out drunk at 11.59. When the wolves call through the valley. Midnight. Of course he is. Yeah. Hold on one second. Disappoint your children.

Hang on. How can I make this so that I'm in a challenge where I don't feel like everyone's against me? You know what it's like? It's like the ultimate hold your breath. You have to be more likable. What you're doing is... You're not quitting booze. That's a lot of it.

You're not quitting booze. People root for you to lose. You're holding your breath. People immediately don't like you when they meet you. You're like a guy who's ready to break the world record on holding your breath. You know you're going to breathe again, but it's going to be a long time. Yeah. It's going to be a long time.

But think about how much fun that'll be on November 1st. But you're not thinking, you're not thinking, hey man, maybe I should just stop drinking. Think aboutober 1st at 12 30 a.m when you're like i'm the frickin fuck that give me another drink and you fail instantly think about that how many days is that in two no no that's not even that's uh one day that's 30 minutes there was 30 minutes in my scenario no yeah 30 minutes i assume there are people around the party before five or six days before things start getting really weird scram cam First of all I think your marijuana intake would up tick okay, can I say

It's a little bullshit that you would go to marijuana because all that's doing normally I'd say that's way healthier But I'm saying here that that all that's doing is riding you the gap until you can drink again. By the way, I've got no marijuana. I would like you to face sobriety. Hell, that's interesting. Look, look, look. I don't have a problem not doing marijuana. I would like to take Bert on the road with you and have him bomb so you look like a hero. Is that what you're doing?

If I'm sober, I can totally do much better than if I was hammered. This is some next level 3D chess shit. Good point. Wait a minute. I is some next level 3D chess shit. Good point. Wait a minute. I think you're hilarious when you're drunk. But I'm... You've only seen me sober. You've never seen me drunk on stage.

Oh, wait, no, you're right. You have. You have. Yeah, you definitely have. Yeah, you definitely have. You saw me on stage the first time I was ever high on stage. Dude, we got drunk as fucking at the Ice House. I know.

I forgot about that. I don't drink at the store. You black out about the sets you have on stage because you drink so much holy shit dude the last time we did

oh hey by the way who's in town who's in town Wednesday who's in town Wednesday you guys want to do the ice house I'm leaving for Singapore

I'm not going to be here no no no could have been a good god damn time I would love to do this again that would be a really fun time. Goddamn time. That's how I booked the ice house.

That's cool. That's super organized. So, 31 days. 80 days. No nothing. 80 days? No nothing. You said 80?

Yep, yep. 80 days. Let's already start working. So that's October 1st to December 30th. 40 days of yoga in that time. No. You can't do that. No, I'll tell you.

Joe's negotiating like an agent right now. No, hold on. Hold on one second. I will tell you why I can't do that because I don't want to lose who the fuck I am, which is like, I like to,

I like... Which is obesity. Dude, you need to find... You're under obese. You need to find your truth, bro. You're saying you don't want to lose the party man image. I will not go to that Impractical Joker's Cruise with Big J, Ari, all those comics that I love.

Yeah, and not drink. And not drink. That's just silly. I'm a grown-up. I also make a lot of money, and I don't need to do the bet. But I want to do the bet because I like the idea of the bet. Okay. But I think 30 days.

Okay. Start before. 31 days in October. Start tomorrow. Total sobriety? Total sobriety. I'll do total sobriety until the service crew. I do totally I want 70 can I get some Xanax in there 70 no no no this is a

World police when they you can get extra fucksie yeah, dude shit on the girls chest and shit on him and pissed on him Yeah, they did that so they can cut other things Yeah, I say this you can get doing if you can get are those chalk pills that help you deal with withdrawal chalk No, I don't need to deal with withdrawal. You will when you get the shakes. Why would you not deal with withdrawal? You will when you get the shakes. Chalk?

When you're withdrawing from pills or alcohol. How come? Guys, guys, guys. They have these chalk pills. Chalk? Yeah. What is it? I don't need it.

Coal? Charcoal? Oh, charcoal. Charcoal. I don't need it. I don't need it. To toxins to throw up. Yeah.

But wait a minute. I would say that's allowed because you're not going to get high off that. That's going to save your life because you will die otherwise because you're unequipped to do this. What the fuck are you talking about? Do you remember the article I sent you? You should write a will beforehand. That's a part of it. You should write a will beforehand.

The article we read about you said that it's really not recommended to just quit cold turkey like that. You should start now and get ready. Or you know what? I'm going to write my eulogy with you in mind ahead of time So that way he's in great shape Wait why won't you get withdrawals if you just quit like that because I do it all the time because I'm making man But for like a moment no You you feel like you feel uncomfortable for a day where you're like, hold on, stop.

Yeah, you have to shake. What's the last stretch? What's the last stretch you took? I've been hungover. Five-day stretch. How long ago? I don't know. A couple weeks ago.

No, really? You did five days ago? Yeah, I did. We have a thing in our house called unassisted sleeps. That's when you go to sleep without drugs or alcohol. No weed, no Xanax, no sleeping pill. You have a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ari. I'm being real. I don't want to stop being real.

Yeah, okay. We have a thing called unassisted sleeps. I think that's a great idea. I really do. I think more people need to learn how to relax. Meditate. Just go to bed. You can meditate. You can get a hold of your own thoughts. You can get a hold of your own thoughts.

You can get a hold of your own thoughts, and it's a good practice to do that. And if you just give your own thoughts to pills, I mean, it'll work. Maybe it won't work for everybody. It works for some people. But there's other ways to do it. You can do it with your own mind. You can relax yourself. You can meditate.

Yeah, you can do it without that. I mean, you can do it with that i mean you can do it with that but there's other pathways that a lot of people that try the pills don't try and i wonder how many would be successful i mean some people know some people have like real issues yeah but with some people i think they'd probably be just as if not more successful with meditating relaxing just trying to figure out a way to like consciously dip yourself down into the place where you go to sleep I'd like that. What are you gonna try that? No, I did five days. Yeah, and For unassisted sleeps, this is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking 30 days you owe 15 days

90 90 minute hot yoga classes. That's what I'm thinking No booze and then half the days So if you have one day on, you have one day off. You owe, and if you miss them, then you have to make them up in a row. But you have to do 15 days of hot yoga in a 30-day time period with no booze. I can do that. Why do you want to do the hot yoga? Because I think it would be super beneficial for him.

I think you should do that. And I think we clean him out, and it's fucking insanely difficult insanely difficult to do but he's gonna fail on that and still detox no he said he said 30 days 30 days is cut half the days half of those 30 you have to do a yoga class hot yoga though hot yoga now you can do that I went once I've been I went once and I quit like 40 minutes into an hour and 50 minutes of class. I came back in. I took a five-minute breather. I took a five-minute breather.

I came back in. Because of how hot it was? Because it was hot. I was like, fuck, I'm out of it. I'm out of it. Yeah. But you also couldn't run a marathon. I could.

This is the first. Stop it. Stop it. You're making ridiculous claims. It's Picon Ari time. Oh, shit. The tide has turned. No.

We all know no one would do that. There's no way you would do it. So wait. Yeah. There's no way you could do 15, 90-minute yoga classes in a month? Is that what you're saying? If I can't do it, I don't do them all the time. Oh, marathon.

No, what I'm saying is. I like the Turkish baths. The thing about the yoga classes is, first of all, there's like a real set beginning and a set end. There's no fudging. There's class. Yeah, you have to be there. You have to get it in. And it's super difficult to do.

And I think it's one of the most beneficial mentally. Wait, what if you quit in the middle? You need a five-minute breather. Not good. They tell you. The instructors say, go out and fucking breathe and come back in. That's for the same people that they see those little packets they leave in the shoes

and they say, do not eat. Those fucking retards. But you should not eat! You shouldn't eat, but you should know that you're not going to eat some shit you found

in your shoe. Just so you should know that if you're going to die, you should get out of the fucking yoga class. So I'm saying, you should be able to get out of there.

It's for morons and pussies. I'm sorry. That's how the yoga set up. Jamie, can you look up hot yoga deaths? Let's look up hot yoga rapes. There's a lot more of those. When they die, they die. This is the thing, dude.

You bring a cooler, bring one of those flasks. They have these giant 64-ounce... And you can drink inside? Of course, yeah. In between postures. You do two sets. At the end of two sets, you're allowed to have some water. I would need three classes to take a five-minute breather.

Over that month, I would need three five-minute breathers. But you could take a breather and stay in the room. You could take a breather and stay in the room. You're supposed to breathe. They tell you to breathe. Yes, but you could breathe in the room. Just stay in the room. It's a mental thing. You can get by it. A five-minute break and go back in? Nope. Stay in the room.

You can take a break. I left. I did it. You left. You left. You have to. No, you don't have to. You don't have to true. I've stayed before too. Yeah, I stay all the time You're not allowed to leave it the place that I go were you auditing the class or doing it Cream cones melting like I could do what they have in New York. I could do them. This is a super measurable thing. Okay. It's not like something you could just not train for and then have to do at the very end. This is not something you could run a marathon and kind of like fucking half-ass it up to the time you got to run it.

I'm just going to rely on my mini-metal jeans. This is like a sheer discipline issue. I'm just going to rely on my mini metal jeans. This is like a sheer discipline issue. What's good about this is it's going to cause you to absolutely be in a certain place for 15 days out of 30. You have to make those up. Like if you say you fuck off for the first 10 days, that means you've got to do a lot of days in a row. Wait, would it be safe to do hot yoga four or five days in a row?

100%. Because that's how I plan on doing it. Are you peeing again, bro? Please just go to the goddamn bathroom. No. Get the fuck out of here. Just go to the bathroom. You're so how I plan on doing it. Are you peeing again, bro? Please just go to the goddamn bathroom. Come on. Come on. I'm not leaving. Get the fuck out of here. Just go to the bathroom. You're so nasty, bro.

We'll talk about nothing until you get back. No, you are talking about nothing. We're in the middle talking about the bed. You're freaking me out. We're in the middle talking about the bed. You keep peeing in these kombucha jars. You're so nasty. Just stop.

Get out of here. No, I love it. We're going to talk about nonsensical bullshit. All right, go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom, please. And bring that goddamn kombucha with you, that jug of piss. You're like pulling it off with his desk with your fucking attitude. How dare you?

Are you looking kind of ripped right now? Ever since he got brought from Asia. What? Six pack. That didn't look bad at all. That's very legit. You look, man, you almost look like Bert. You're looking good, like a good athlete, dude.

Dude, you're in great shape. Yeah. In the Bert Christchurch text. Who's that guy? Look at him. That's Mickey Mantle. That's my jeans right there. No, that looks like Ari, you're in great shape. In the bird-christ-your-text. Who's that guy? That's Mickey Mantle. That's my jeans right there. No, that looks like Ari, you fuck.

That doesn't look like you. Ari's got a legit six-pack. He does. He does. He does. When he came back from yoga, or China. Asia.

Same shit. Some shit I never understand and I never want to do. Wait, do you think you can do this challenge? Listen, I like this idea of 15 days of hot yoga. It's hard to do, man. 90-minute classes. And he's going to do a marathon? No, you don't have to do a marathon.

Oh, okay. This would be a different thing. The thing about this is he thinks he can run all the time. He runs all the time. Right. But if you have to do this, this is going to be hard. Running is easy for me because it's in my backyard. This is going to be super good for your body. Here's the time right, but if you have to do this. This is gonna be hard running is easy for me It cuz it's in my backyard This is gonna be super good for your body

And here's the other thing too like if you get in the middle of this and you feel like you can't do it anymore You could relax you just sit down lie down and just catch in your class Yeah, and you guys people do it all the time like advanced people do it all the time if you feel like you've overwhelmed yourself Maybe you try too hard. You know it's fucking hot in there It's 100 104 degrees and you're doing like these really difficult body weight exercises when you're standing on one leg you got one leg kicked back and you got your both arms leaning forward it's fucking difficult to do sure you know and when you're holding yourself in like weird positions wow that's gonna that's a really actually interesting challenge it's a pretty easy not easy, pretty not hard pace, I should say, to do a five-hour marathon.

So it's 11 minutes and 23 seconds per mile. Yeah. It's walking at like a 4.5. Isn't that interesting to look at? That's five minutes, but 11 minutes and 30 seconds per mile, you get it in six hours or five hours. Oh, that's 50K. Oh, 50K. Oh, that's right.

See, I mean, I know that we're all making fun of this, but a five-hour marathon is literally walking at a four or five on a treadmill. No, but continuously. No, it's not. Yeah, by the way, anyone can do it. Yeah, it is. Is it? Yeah.

11 miles an hour isn't walking on a treadmill. It's walking. It's not running. Really? It's not running. Wait, but it's not. It's not a casual walk. No, it's a brisk walk.

It's a brisk walk. By the way. I'll tell you, I saw my father speed walk the Marine Corps Marathon, and he did great for about 20 miles. Okay. And then it bottoms out. I did. I did.

When you did the thousandth episode. I love these kind of things. I love when, like, I watched the Florida State game yesterday. Yeah. And got on the treadmill. The way you watch boxing matches or fights when you work out. I like a big event thing. Like the ending

of Game of Thrones. And you guys were doing that three hour podcast and I literally said I'm going to be running a marathon today. I did not do it. I did not do it

only because I did 12. So a little less than half of a marathon. But I was walking because Joey was so fucking funny I would start laughing.

Like we said, he's changing colors, flavors. Wait, that's great, actually. He's the funniest human being that's ever lived. He is. But I started laughing so hard that I was like, I can't fucking run this. I want to listen to it. I want to be in the moment and just giggle. Good excuse to stop running.

I hear you. And so I ended up doing 12 miles in the three hours. If you ever do do the marathon, I hope there's a hype crew behind you. Go, just quit, Bert. Just quit. It's okay. Maybe we can get the wave. What time do you think you could do it in?

Like what would be a challenging time you think you could still do it in? A marathon? Yeah, I'm asking you. 10 minute miles. 10 minute miles. Tommy Burns has been planning. He's been plotting something. 10 minute miles, which is how long? 10 minute miles. Tommy Bunce has been planning. He's been plotting something. 10 minute miles, which is how long?

10 minute miles. If I could do 10 minute mile, that would be really fucking challenging. By the way, I will say that the one that we just pulled up is still very challenging. It's 422. What's 422? 10 minute mile pace. 422? There's no way.

No way. I're, that's, you're, no way. I mean. I 100% agree. There's no way, man. 100%. Guys, he's in great shape. There's not a chance. There's not a chance.

You won't finish the marathon unless you take about 14 hours. I'm not joking. Taking long, long breaks for meals. I think you could do it in under 14 hours. But I think the over-under should be like high 13s. 13 hours? Do you think? Oh, my God.

Yeah. Walking casually, resting, seeing a movie in there. I also want to know this. Really resting. Do you think you could do this time with no preparation, no training? Just do it tomorrow? The 10-minute miles? We're not doing it tomorrow.

Not tomorrow, but next week. How much distance do you think you could run tomorrow? The 18th? Tomorrow. I have two podcasts. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. How far do you think?

How much distance do you think you could run? How much could you? God, this is the worst. This is the reason I'll never quit drinking, because I love this feeling. Tomorrow. What? Nerves? Nerves?

I start crippling anxiety mortality I'll say us I'll say I'll say it thing a thing I'll say a number and you guys tell me if what are you Harry Potter no we're bartering we're bartering okay easily easily run a 5k easily run a 5k a 5k no no no that's over over over I'm taking on that obviously obviously yeah

I could run a 10k no problem that's 6.2 miles now a question for sure the pre-problems no no problem

I could run not even hard and we're talking about no walking right this is a straight up run oh straight up run I'm asking I got a system

okay okay what's your system? I like to I like- Quitting? Well no. I like to- I like to run and then walk so that's all I've been doing because it's fun for me Yeah, it helps me- Run for a while, walk for a while, yeah sure get it done. I don't know. I don't like this I'm sweating again. I don't fucking like this. Okay, do you think you can do 20- HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET ME WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING?! Do you think you can do 20 miles tomorrow? Because that's 6.2 miles short of a...

I know he can. No, no. For sure not. I'm his new hype man. I know he can. No way. No, I agree with this, Joe. Absolutely not.

No way. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. I know he can.

You don't know. It'll be so anticlimactic. Sun up to sundown. He finds a way. Could I do 20 miles? He finds a way. Could I do 20 miles? He finds a way. 12 hours. That's a long time.

Yeah. Yeah, 12 hours. One running period. That's a pace for a 13 and a half hour marathon. That's exactly what he was talking about. He finds a way. That's over that pace. He finds a way, ladies and gentlemen.

He finds a way. He finds a way. By making it easier. The only problem with tomorrow is I plan on partying at your house. So I like... Son of a bitch. Yeah. Let's go back to Joe's challenge. I like health. I like... Okay. By making it easier. The only problem with tomorrow is I plan on partying at your house. So I like... Son of a bitch. Let's go back to Joe's challenge. I like health. I like... Okay. 30 days.

Word. 31. All of October. All of October. Excuse me. All of October. Midnight to midnight. Midnight. I'm just putting it out there. What happens? What happens? No booze. And let's do this. And nothing else. This might be cheesy, but let's do this and nothing else this might be cheesy but

let's make this communal so I can challenge people go Nate Bargatze no booze, Doug Stanhope no booze and let everyone and have them commit to the ankle bracelet that's not happening they're not going to do that

maybe Stanhope but I don't think if we're going to do a Stanhope one we should find out whether or not you're going to do that. Doug Stanhope will. It's a challenge. I don't think they'll do it. Maybe Stanhope will do it. I don't think, if we're going to do a Stanhope one, we should find out whether or not you're going to die. We should really invest in these charcoal pills. Start with me. Start with me. I'm cool. Wait a minute.

But are you doing all of us? Are you doing the full thing? If they want to join in, they can join in. We should be careful. I'll do no booze, I'll do the yoga, and then keep bringing them out. We should be careful, though. Yeah, of course. But this is one thing that we have to be careful about.

Burt dying. The reality. The sheer reality. What is the volume of alcohol that you consume on a daily basis? Yeah. To be honest. That's a good question. We can quantify that.

So wait, wait. Can I ask you a question? Are you worried about the alcohol business going out of... I'm worried about the hit the economy's going to take. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. That is a concern. Okay, Bert.

Let's go. Will you like that joint again? That's what I was thinking. Yeah. We're going to Tommy's house in Speedos after this, Joe. I wouldn't imagine anything else. My quantity, and I'll be very candid about this, but once again, it's like I want to be honest. I don't talk when I hit this.

You made a fucking joke last time about that ankle bracelet, and I fucking finally got that feeling out of my throat. Interesting. It's not a joke. Anyway. How much booze do you consume? In a day. What's your average day like? Let's be real about this shit.

Pretend there's a flight. Oh, no. Let's not pretend it's a flight. Give it flight days and not flight days. Let's have a regular day. Let's pretend for some strange reason you're home for a month and you're not traveling at all. If I'm home for a month, I'm not drinking.

If I'm home for a month, I would not drink. No drinking. Doing shows. You're doing local shows, comedy store, ice house. If I went to the store and you were like, hey, let's have a drink, I'd have to have a drink. I would be the starter. I was not drinking one night.

There's no way you would come up to me and say, are you drinking? Joe, to have a drink. Oh, it'd be me. I would be the starter of this. I was not drinking one night and we all did a show. There's no way you would come up to me and say, oh, man, are we drinking? Maybe I would. Joe, you want a drink? Are you drinking right, Joe? Joe, you're drinking right, right? We're drinking? Come on. Come on. You're drinking? I'll drink if you're drinking. Sure, okay, if you're drinking, I'll drink. Are we drinking? Boys, are we drinking? We're fucking drinking. Come on. I'm the only one here who's drinking and I'm not yet? Yeah, let's start drinking.

Oh, you're not yet? Let's all drink. Are we the only one here drinking? Guys, you're going to give me anxiety if I'm the only one drinking. Wow, it sounds so familiar. Okay. Fuck, I'm going to give me anxiety if I'm the only one drinking. Wow, that sounds so familiar. Okay. Good. Fuck, I'm going to be really high to see my kids. What's the actual... You'll be fine.

You'll be fine. What's that? What is the actual consumption? Yeah, yeah. What's your average day for real? Just the volume. I'd say the average day, I wouldn't start drinking... Until you woke up?

No, no, no. I don't... Let's hear it. My average day right now is on the road. I have a drink. I brush my teeth. And I will drink. I'll have my first sip of a drink.

The second I step on stage, I'll take a sip. Right. I do not drink that whole drink. And there's a lot of people that have seen me live recently. And they can probably all attest that they're bummed out that I don't murder the drink on the first show. You never drink fake drinks though. Never drink fake drinks. They need to know that. I remember

I'll call him out because I called him about it on my podcast. Who? Atel. When I worked with him in Hawaii, Hawaii, Miami. Where were you? Miami. You didn't even know where the Hawaii was. I am really high. He's like, I was in Mary, England. I was really high. He's like, I was in America, England.

I was in Hawaii. I'm in Hawaii, Miami. Miami and Hawaii. I thought I was having a stroke. How do you confuse those two? Why do you think he didn't have a stroke? Oh my god.

He might have. He might have. And so, uh, Attell didn't do real shot and I was like, cause he was my hero. Yeah. And then this ruined it. And I was like, yeah, he just, I was like, fuck. But he doesn't drink. He stopped drinking.

Yeah. Man, this is in 2004. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't feature for him last week. How do you guys know when he stopped? I remember when he stopped. What year did he stop? Five years ago-ish?

Yeah. Four? No, it's actually when Marin started his podcast. Only because I know that because Marin had him on, and he wasn't drinking, and he was eating Skittles. That's more than that, then. That's like eight years. It's been a while, probably, since I tell.

Yeah, maybe. It's like he's moving, I guess. Yeah. But I think, I don't know what I was talking about I heard Marin is excellent in that new wrestling show on Netflix I've heard a bunch of people that he kills it there's this female glow wrestling thing yeah crazy manager character and he's great apparently he kills it really it's like yeah, it's like the perfect role for him, dude Have you seen those are psyched dude?

I'm terrified. I'm on I'm on episode 3. I'm freaking the fuck out. Did you see the end of Game of Thrones? Yes, yeah, I did. There's too much good shit on you saw when I was a kid We had Starsky and Hutch okay, we had on TV made us dumber and it was like eating cardboard yeah it was horrible the difference between like what people have today on TV it's insane it's been Game of Thrones and Ozark just those two like this is really good dude it's so amazing you watch that first five minutes first ten minutes of Ozarks you're watching the whole season. It's so good, dude. Jason Bateman in that? He's fucking phenomenal.

Oh, it's a serious show? The casting of his wife is brilliant. Phenomenal. Brilliant. What is her name again? Laura Linney. She's amazing. She's amazing. Dude, this fucking show is so good. You get so locked in. You're like, Jesus! It's just one of those shows where you're like,

whoa. The best comedy on streaming, Jesus! Like, it's just one of those shows where you're like, whoa. The best comedy on streaming, no questions asked, Angie Tribeca. What's that? Are you okay? It is. Another stroke. Another stroke. I love it.

You probably said her name wrong. Moahe. Who? Angie Tribeca. Angie Tribeca. My name's Angie. I'm from Tribeca Is everybody's left side

Stingling Quincy Jones Or Angie Jones Rashida Jones Rashida Jones Rashida Jones Ask Jamie He's a prolific user

Rashida Jones Dion Cole Black Twitter That guy And then Andre Vermillion What is this? So it is the naked gun But in a CSI Miami type show

Oh is it comedy? Yeah it's a naked gun so it's it's stuff it's like imagine if you saw a brand new naked gun or airplane it is so fucking funny yeah and I watched it with my kids and we just and they'd never see an airplane so it's that introduction of airplane or naked gun to them so they go for big jokes like the whole time. Yeah, everything's just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. That's hilarious. It's really a great show. That's cool.

How did we get to that? By Bert Pryor. Have you seen Ozarks? Oh, yeah. Okay, Game of Thrones, Ozark, and there's a new season of Narcos that's out, too. Oh, yeah, I got to see that. It's about the Catholic cartel. There's out too oh yeah I gotta see that it's about the Cali cartel

there's more good television I watch Billions right now don't you feel like it's hard for a movie to even work now like when you go to see movies most movies are dumb because they don't have

time to develop you really gotta go for it but then you've seen the same show on Netflix the same show on HBO the level of like wow this looks fucking gorgeous

well they have this opportunity to stretch out these storylines that's the thing you can really develop over these long seasons Game of Thrones this season was a fucking seven hour movie Fucking gorgeous. Well, they have this opportunity to stretch out these storylines This season was a fucking seven-hour movie I watched a pilot episode of Game of Thrones the other day. Just on a lark, I was like, what's this?

I saw the finale and I was so into it. Wait a minute. You started with the finale? No, hold on. What? Hold on one sec. Did you just say that? No, no one's listening to me. This is all the fat in your head.

I watched the whole series beginning to end. Yeah, with everyone else. I watched the finale and I was so wrapped up in what was going on that I went on HBO Go and I clicked the pilot episode. Dude, watch the pilot episode and you will say to yourself, oh shit, I get it. Like all these things that were little plots that, how they got their direwolves.

I didn't know how they got their direwolves. I didn't know that they found a big elk that had been murdered, and they couldn't figure out how it was murdered. And then they went, and they saw that the elk's horn had gone through a direwolf, and direwolves shouldn't be south of the wall, where in Winterfell. And so Jon Snow picked up four direwolves. Cubs. Cubs.

And he said, she just had cubs. You should all have your cubs. They should go to Ned Stark's children. Because he's not, you know, they should go to the Starks. There are four Starks. He gives them all to Direwolf. And then the guy got his dick cut off. He goes, you shouldn't get one.

You're a bastard. This is your best story yet. This is like the machine. You're watching him. You're watching him do that. This is long enough. And then as they leave, they see a fucking runt one.

And they go, you should have this one. You're the bastard. You should have this one. Dude, I feel like that was a book on tape. That was pretty good, actually. That was pretty good. You guys are fucking murdering me. That was pretty good. I was lost in an opium house.

My sub-themed movie. Dude, these guys are asshole. You had me enthralled, man. I was right there with you. I hated the last few minutes you've been alive and talking so much. Oh my God. Stop talking. I fucking hate you. Oh my God. Stop talking. I fucking hate you. I wish you would never feature for me at Laughs Unlimited. And bomb so hard that I had to give them money.

If there is a tape of this bombing, it might be so bad. It was so bad. It's so brutal. When was the one time that you bombed so hard that you broke it down on your podcast? What was that one? That was Winnipeg. By the way, this one's worse. This one actually is worse. Yeah.

Because it's true bombing. This one's worse because no one spoke. Yeah, it's true bombing. So it's just listening to someone monologue in a room of people where everyone's like, hmm. Tommy, back at the time, used to have his hair a little longer and he'd feather it back, right? And so, but he was still balding.

You know, it's the hiding of a balding man. I bring him into the club. I drive up with him. I drive up with him to Sacramento. I say, I vouch for him. This guy's fucking hilarious. You're gonna love him. The manager, Leslie, is like, we had a feature booked. I go, this guy is ten times funnier. Trust me. She goes, he better

be. He goes out and his first joke flies out to nobody. And everyone and this girl leslie walks right up to me she goes he's you said he was gonna be funny and i see sweat forming on his brow bubbling up and then i see his hair collapse to the side and start getting wet tom looks skeptical it was terrible no no he's it was it's worse than he was describing. It's worse. I remember it was 2005. I opened on a rape joke. And it was about Hurricane Katrina.

Hurricane Katrina rape joke? Yeah. Because it was right after Katrina. And they said that people were getting raped in the aftermath. The Metrodome. So I did this thing where I was like... The Metrodome! What is it?

Got it. Superdome. The Metrodome's what sits on a piano. I made some type of joke. Like, hey, they say there's... It was something like, they say people are getting raped in New Orleans in the aftermath. Nothing would turn me on seeing a dead body float by. Some were things like that where I'm making fun of it. aftermath like nothing would turn me on like seeing a dead body float by blah like some some

things like that where i'm like making fun of it but like it wasn't a written joke it was just something that i said and then i insisted on doing it a second time and that's when the that's when the hair falls to the side and catches no like i did it on like i bombed on the i opened with it and i bombed for 25 straight minutes actually 22 because 22. Because when I got off, she goes, why didn't you do 25? And I was like, because I was dying. And I thought, and she was like, I pay you for 25. Oh, my God. And then I opened the second show on the same joke.

Yeah. And I ate equal shit for 25 minutes. Why didn't you do it again? I should say it was sold out. So it was wall to wall packed. Papered. 300. Papered. 300 people. And I was just like soaking wet. It was sold out so it was wall-to-wall packed papered 300 300 people and I was just soaking wet I remember the what was the MC Tommy oh?

Yeah, Tom. Oh fuck. I'm so uh god damn it. Oh Tom McClane Tom And you know you know you're eating shit when you're the feature act and you walk in the green room and the MC's like Oh man you fucking suck Like I've never seen that. He was like, I've never seen anyone eat shit like this in my life. It was so crazy. By the way, this is a testament to Tom. Usually if you brought a comic up and he bombed that hard,

you'd be like, I'll never talk to this guy again. Maybe he shouldn't be doing comedy. Tom talking to me in the green room about his bombing or at the bar after it was me i well i remember we drove home on that ride and i was like oh this is my new best friend yeah that was great i i do i also remember that when we got back to la you go you didn't talk much and i go that's because you were talking do you remember the time you were like you like... I talk about two different memories of an event. Okay. No.

Good. Actually, I think I told you this before, but he saved my ass because I bombed so hard. And think about a straight up 25 minute bomb and then on the late show doing it exactly the same again. No, you guys are wrong. I'll show you. Why did you do it? I think I was convinced that I could make that that stupid Thing funny joke like I was like I want to I want to get it right so I'm gonna do it

I'll show them I can do that right and by the public is thinking the similar thing is Hurricane Harvey right now people all coming together and you're making a fucking brave a dead body I wasn't encouraging. What did you adjust? what did you adjust on the late show yeah probably nothing no no I just thought that was like he just thought if he said it again

they'd get it no no no he didn't sit down with it and go let me try to pick this apart nope I was like

they were dumb what for real yeah yeah yeah it was also 2005 how many years have you been doing comedy it was my third year oh wow

it was my third year damn that's a slippery time, right? Well, and then in the hotel room, I was like, man, this fucking, is this what it's going to be like? I really was fucked up over those two bombings.

That's how I met Stan, though. People quit sometimes. I mean, it was pretty rough. I got, the next day was Saturday, so that was Friday night. Two epic bombings. And then Saturday, the first show's about to start,

and I could see these guys are like eyeballing me like yo man this is like like i'm gonna make a wish kit or something like you got it like not me not me well no but then you came up to me you go can i give you one piece of advice and you drank and then you were like you go uh you go just open with a different joke just do everything else you want to do the same just open with a different joke just do everything else you want to do the same just open with a different joke and i go okay okay okay and then it went it went amazing but here's how shitty it was like that manager leslie the night before was like this is like you really ate dog shit up there twice like i don't think i mean that is terrible. She was like reminding us And that next Saturday was also full and it fucking

It was like an epic show It was like exactly what you'd want after a bombing like that and they had a curtain like this separating the showroom From the bar like not even a wall just a curtain So after like after my set he's on stage. I just open the curtain and I go well like nice recovery right she goes what happened I was back here

I was like you heard that shit you fucking heard that you heard laughs at least one laugh of course man she did the same shit to me the first time I featured there

she criticized me and then I I did a good feature set and she was like I was like what did you think she was like didn't hear it and I was like oh fuck you

you boys sound salty yeah a little salty it was a tough club to do that was I also got a bounce check from them yeah me too

oh really me too shout out to Steve Groves I'll say his name I bobbed once in South Carolina went on a golfing trip with my college friends my high school friends

excuse me we went out there and I did a guest spot at the Coconut something in Charleston and then we were driving like a day later and some girls were like you know because it's a vacation town they were like oh they're screaming at us and somebody's like what are they saying and somebody's like oh there's that guy who bombed last night because i didn't mention it when i got off stage it was like let's go oh you want to you want to hear a good bombing story yeah uh. The Comedy Corner in Atlanta.

I just done stand up one time, and I signed up for the Comedy Corner in Atlanta because my girlfriend lived there. Open mic night? Open mic night. I sign up. Yeah. I show up. It's an all black club.

But I'm unaware of the way open mic night works, so I buy tickets for me and her, and they sit us up front. Oh my God. Two white people. The only two white people in the whole room. First guy comes on stage and starts making fun of me and says, what's your name? I said, it's Bert.

And they go nuts. Oh, we're going to call you Bertie Bert. We'll give you a hood name. It's Bertie Bert. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Bertie Bert's great. And they make fun of me. Every black comic that comes on makes fun of me for fucking ever. Then he gets to the end of the show.

He's like, we got one more comic to come up. Last comic of the evening, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for Burger. Kreitscher. Kreitscher. Kreitscher. Oh, wait, hold on. And then he goes, oh, wait.

Oh, shit, it's Bertie Bert. And the place goes fucking nuts. This is the guy they've been fucking with the whole night. And I get up on stage and I go, you guys ever jack off in a cheeseburger and the guy they liked and were rooting for yeah started sucking oh no and they fucking lit me up on stage like i've never to this day been lit up and i had no comebacks i had no i was like ah dude they fucking went from love to hate in an instant with one joke. How uncomfortable was it with your girlfriend after the show?

Oh, yeah. Dude, down in Buckhead, we beelined out of that motherfucker. But the guys sitting next to her were like, oh, he suck. He suck. What was she telling you? Like, hey, you do suck. Man, she was a good girlfriend except for all the other stuff. But like she was the only one that got me into comedy.

What'd she say? What'd she say? Was she like you were fine? She was a little delusional about like how good you had to be to do it. She was like, yeah, you're great. That was great. You handled it well. You were in a bad situation.

Shout out to Kristen Medock. She was pretty right. That's your second time ever on stage yeah second time on stage at the comedy corner confidence

but no because invite somebody dude when they said oh shit it's Bertie Bert the place went nuts oh you had him yeah

I was the guy that they've been fucking with all night they loved this guy like if it was you today you would just murder that crowd oh my

you ever think about that like getting in a time machine letting these motherfuckers know what's up yeah just boom birdie burt's back oh shit it's birdie burt man i do weigh like 380 pounds he's 379 if he's a nickel he got fat feet. He got fat feet. I saw his fat feet. What are you? He's a size 13, but not really. He's got hobbit foot. He's a size 12 with fat ass feet. Can't run no marathon.

You got some X room in front of your toe because your feet so fat. Why you don't touch my feet? So, are we going to do this back? What do you think you can do? Because we got to wrap this up soon. We got to go do decathlon. If you can do this ridiculous thing, which you probably do what do you think you can do and then afterwards we gotta go to decathlon if you can do this ridiculous thing which you probably can't do okay what by the way i'm going to regret uh this part of my life why because i don't mind that i don't i like i think i would like to challenge myself to the yoga and the and the not drinking but I do want to incorporate it into us. Like, I want it to be, I liked having people to talk shit to on text.

Right. Yeah. Like, and I know that you guys will be like, are you drinking tonight? Or whatever. But like, and we can incorporate people on the outside, but I don't know. I think it should be, I like the decathlon idea. Yeah. I don't have a problem trying to run a marathon.

But I do think, Tom said he didn't like the idea to me personally because he was like, there's just no payoff. Like, it's like, you know. We'll all for sure quit. We'll all for sure quit. No. So then what's the point? It's so anticlimactic.

The weight loss challenge or the non-drinking challenge you can keep up with. Yeah, I don't think you can do that, but normal people could. I'll do it. People without problems. I'll do it. 90 days. No. 90 days. 30 days problems. I'll do it. 90 days. 91 days. 30 days.

91 days. 30 days. 92 days. 75 days. 32 days. 30 days. We're adding days. 32 days.

80 days. Can I just add one thing of clarity? Can I say you can't drink or be drunk during all of October? He's like getting through his veins. Good call, Ari. Yeah. If you're going to be fucking drunk the whole first night because you shouldn't be drinking for Ari Yeah If you're gonna be fucking drunk The whole first night

Because you shouldn't be drinking For six hours Can we ask you this though Seriously For our own peace of mind Like all jokes aside Yes We don't have to worry

About withdrawal symptoms with you No No I'm serious man Have them at your house What Have them at your house You think that we would rest easy I say we don't do this

I say we don't do this Unless you get the charcoal pills And have them at your house Well I don't think that's good enough. I mean, if you're really going through the shakes. Guys, we're fine. Can't believe we're having this conversation. Can we have your doctor sign off on it?

Yeah, 100%. Guys, he can run a marathon easy, and he's in great shape. This should be no problem. I kind of hope I do die now. No, I'm going to be fine. Your actual doctor, not like fucking, I don't know, Craig Shoemaker. No, all bullshit aside, what is the last day you didn't drink? How long ago?

The other night. Wait, we never even got to how much you drink normally. Yeah, how much do you drink normally? Yeah, you still didn't say that. Let's just do this. Let's just do it for- On a regular day. On a regular day, then we'll do a travel day.

I'll just tell you a little story. Tom, this is better than the Game of Thrones one. Okay, but how much do you normally drink, though, for real? Let's just do it. Let's just stop with the stories. Yesterday, we had a half a handle of Tito's and we were going over to our friend's house.

It's a Lord's Day, of course. And I said, we should get a full bottle of Tito's, thinking that there would be more people there that would want Tito's. And she said, I'm being dead serious, if you go through a half a handle of Tito's. And she said, I'm being dead serious. If you go through a half-handled Tito's, you have a legit problem. Who said this? Leanne.

And I still had an inch of Tito's when I came home last night. After the problem. But that's a lot of booze. And after you cleared another handle? No, no, no, no, no. What's a handle? It's the big thing. I drank half of this at the party.

No, it's more than that. A handle is more that with the actual handle yeah that's why they call the handle yeah when's the last time you didn't do that uh a few days ago wait so a few days ago what happened did you drink it all no i didn't drink it all ounces? Did you sleep through the day? Look at that. 30 ounces? So essentially 30 ounces. Stop, stop, stop. So you drank... Dude, you can play music on that. One shot of vodka. I drank a quarter of a handle.

Dude, one shot of vodka is one and a half ounces. So you're basically drinking like 50 ounces? By the way, you're watching me drink right now and I'm buzzed. No, you're drinking 30. And barely anything, by the way. Yep, but I am still buzzed. What do you mean? It's insane.

That's an insane amount of booze you're talking about. If that's real, what that guy's talking about? No, no, don't bullshit him. If you're talking about that jug of Tito's, if he can drink a half of one of those, that's insane.

I said a quarter. I said a quarter. By the way, I can drink a half. He's making a good point. I noted that it's also scotch. A. By the way, I can drink on one second. I can also drink a half. He's making a good point. I think it's going unnoted that it's also scotch. A quarter is 20 shots, man. Or 15 shots. 35 shots in a handle.

There's 35 shots in a handle. Okay. So half of that's 15 shots. I'm drinking seven shots. Seven shots is a lot of booze. Is that right? I'm throwing up on seven shots. I am barfing.

If I have seven shots Over three hours Three hours Sixty shots Or thirty five shots This has been three hours That's what I drank Shots one and a half ounces I'm saying if I drank that much

I'd for sure barf Oh okay Yeah you're right You're actually right Yeah you're all right I feel like I don't want this to get away from anyone What about on a flying day

Okay Yeah Once again Once again I'm being dead serious You guys are my friends yeah we love you legit yeah i'll be honest but let's let's not go fucking overboard yeah but we're gonna make jokes though you can't stop us you make jokes we hear crazy enough but i just want people listening to

remember i like you guys yeah yeah we like you too you guys are like okay here we go we think it's funny that how great okay go ahead so uh we'll just do an average flight is at 7 a.m. Yeah. Bars aren't open. I bring four bottles of Tito, little baby bottles in my bag. But you drink on the way to the airport. How do you get them in your bag? Let me just tell you guys. Okay.

I pack them in the side. You're allowed to travel with up to eight. In your bag that you check? Yeah. In my bag that I carry on. You carry on? You can bring on eight little baby bottles. I'll bring eight to Singapore.

You're allowed eight, so you bring eight. I thought you couldn't bring liquid on a plane. No, no, it's small doses. Yeah, you're totally allowed to. Small things are liquid. Like liquid drinks? Yep, little tiny baby shots the size of your lighter. I'm saying I trust the expert on that.

I fly a lot, John. I believe you. I fly a lot. I believe you. I'm stunned. You think only gels? I thought you couldn I fly a lot. I'm stunned. You think only Joe's? I thought you couldn't bring a drink, a Tito's. I think the thing is that if you walk through with this in a little bit-

They say no way. They say no way. Sealed. It's that he has a small bottle with a small amount of that volume. And sealed. But also an obvious drinking problem. Right. So they must at that point look at him and go, yeah, okay, sure.

Yeah, you need this for your medicine. But he's bringing eight of those little bottles. That's crazy. That's a crazy number. But you put those in your bag, but you've also made a drink before you left the house, right? Nope. We're talking my worst travel day, and this is on the reg on a Sunday when I fly home. No, I want an average day.

Let's start with a bad day, and then we'll work our way back. So you... Bad day. Get to the airport. Yeah. Don't eat anything. Don't eat anything. Yep.

Why not? Because there's nothing healthy to eat at an airport. But you're drinking straight. But I'm still concerned with my food intake. So I won't have like an egg sandwich or like a... All right. Why would you want all that protein? Okay.

I guess it's better than eating it, I guess. Yeah. And so then... So you get to the airport. Yeah. You get through security. Yep. And then what do you do?

I go find a place. I scout the food court for who has styrofoam cups. Because if you have paper cups, the vodka will cut the seam in your drink and it'll collapse on your lap sometimes. So I scout a place for styrofoam cups. Smart. Or plastic cups. McDonalddonald's shout out to mcdonald's go over say hey can i get an orange juice and a big uh 32 ounce cup of ice and then i go into the bathroom or pretend to take a shit i crack four sounds like a proud guy yeah crack the four bottles pour them in the cup pour the orange juice

in take your pants off while you're doing this you got it so then you pour the orange juice in. Do you take your pants off while you're doing this? You got it. So then you pour the orange juice? I do. You don't take a dump while you're doing this. I take the four. Sometimes it's there. Sometimes, yeah. Why avoid a dump if you're in position to take a dump? You're naked.

Sadness. I get so excited when I sit down and it's a warm toilet. How long does it take you to get through that drink? I don't drink it. Wait, so you pour them all in? Pour four in. Sorry? Pour four in. Sorry. Pour four in. Okay. OJ. OJ. Screwdriver.

And then go to the airplane and just wait. Now, for me, personally, my anxiety's cut in half because I know I have a cocktail if I need one. God damn. And then I get on the plane, I sip it, and I pass out. When was the last time you flew? And you generally don't drink those other four? He drank them all. Maybe I do. Maybe I pass out and you generally don't drink those other four he drank them all

maybe I do maybe I do cause I'll no he had eight I thought oh no no I just drink four cause I

because I want four for the flight home for safety for the flight home oh yeah these rituals are like I'm sure

I mean so that's gonna be a really tough part when was the last time you flew sober one year ago wow where'd you fly

Phoenix not a big flight but I talked to your wife about it what I'd noticed Last time you flew sober. One year ago. Wow. One year ago. Where'd you fly? Phoenix. Not a big flight, but I talked to your wife about it. What I'd noticed is if I did a row of unassisted sleeps, and then the night before the flight took a Xanax at like five, then when I woke up, the Xanax was effectively still in my system, and there was no panic. And I flew, I think to Minnesota sober, and back sober, and there was no panic and uh and i flew i flew i think to minnesota sober and back sober and i was like whoa uh and then i did phoenix and then i did the hot wings thing hot wings challenge and i the next night i was like my stomach's fucked i was a panic

what's the panic from i think just that's how my brain works what do you mean like what are you saying things is from doing ecstasy in college what do you center on what do you what do you mean? Like, what are you centered on? Part of me thinks it's from doing ecstasy in college. But what are you centered on? What are you, what are you, is it a fright? Solid. Is it a fright or just overall panic? It's more like a dread. Anxiety, right? Yeah. Of being up in the air?

Dread. Of the fact that I can't get out and that it might explode at any second and I can't stop that. And then I just, like, right now, right, right now you're going to blow up. Right now you're going to blow up. You have that thought a lot? If I'm sober, man, on a flight, I cry sometimes. Like legit cry.

So I have to bring sunglasses on. Dude, I am so ritualistic on airplanes. You have no fucking idea. I have to drink. I have to have a cocktail when I get on the plane. Because if I don't have it, then I start panicking. I can't take a Xanax because sometimes you get delayed and then you're just fucking. How much will you drink on that flight to Singapore, you think?

They'll give you free booze. Those flights aren't super bad. They're not as bad for you? Let me ask you this. Have you ever thought about trying to manage the way your mind thinks about things? Instead of thinking about medicating it, just try to put yourself in a position where you try to manage your paranoia or your thoughts. As they're coming in, just sort of reject them and use some meditation techniques to relax.

But what have you ever done, like meditation-wise? I haven't done TM, and everyone suggested TM. TM? Transcendental Meditation. Transcendental Meditation. That's a weird one, right? A lot of people think that's very cultish. There was a lot of criticism of that, but I know a lot of super successful people use that.

There's a lot of weird articles on meditation. People get weird about other people trying to be enlightened. It's really interesting. People start shitting on people like mindfulness is bullshit. Are you sure it's bullshit? Because it seems like if you're writing Mindfulness is bullshit For you it's probably bullshit Because you're writing a fucking article

On people trying to look at things objectively With clarity And be in the moment instead of Be scattered and cast about By the momentum of their past And all the things happening around them Where it takes them out of control The idea is to try to be in the moment

How could that be bullshit? It can't be. It literally can't be bullshit because you're trying to just be an easier person to deal with, get through life smoother. It makes me like people of faith. I would love to have faith. I say this sometimes on stage. I'd love to have faith. There's great benefits

to religious beliefs as long as they're positive religious beliefs. If you could have a perfect religion, like a religion that didn't have all the contradictions and hypocrisy and crazy shit about like killing people that wear two different types of cloth or any of the weird shit that is in any ancient text that gets translated into modern times if you could create something that gave you like a like a rock solid sensible ethic that was based on like science and the reality is what we know and how vulnerable we really are and how big the universe really is if somebody could like rewrite something where they weren't trying to control

people with it they weren't asking for donations they were just trying to like set out a way to look at the world in a clear framework that's open to all possibilities but allows you to move through this time and space in the most harmonious manner with our fellow brothers and sisters. That's what we're all missing. Because we're too smart for the old stupid shit about people walking on water and coming back from the dead. People are like, look, maybe it's an allegory. Maybe it's a parable.

Maybe it's based on some ancient story that means something different, but we lost it all in the translation. We need something else. Because we're too open-ended. And people get like super uh concerned with uh it not meaning anything ultimately at the end but what it means for sure something is right now if you have good friends if you enjoy your life then it means something for sure for right now there's no denying that like in the moment it means something you can be a nihilist you can be you know you have this fatalistic view of the future but if you look at the moment right now it always means something it always

means something to be enjoying yourself that's all you have you definitely said some things that align with buddhism though yeah that for sure staying there now yeah it's all it's that was all connected together people have had all these ideas for thousands of years where they realize like moments in their life where they got it right you know there's moments in your life where you like ever near-death experience you almost get run over by a buffalo or something like that and you just stand there looking at each other and it all makes sense yeah what matters is like love and friendship and the moment the life that you're experiencing right now well you know this is cool right now yeah like remember that time you didn't drink for

five days that was a long time ago but it's probably the way i remember riding a bike for the first time i yeah by the way no you're not hey can i tell you something once again we're in secret time here uh the last time i didn't drink for long stretch i had this moment of clarity where i went i haven't made a lot of decisions as an adult sober. Like I didn't pick to get into standup sober. I was the number one party animal in the country. I'll just fucking move to New York. Do you believe those rankings?

Do you think there's no one out there that was fucking doing it up the university of Detroit? Better party animal. That was just. up the University of Detroit. That was just awful. And Rolling Stone never got to me, motherfucker. Listen, Marty Burt, Rolling Stone never contacted me.

Am I in Detroit laying a damn? Gin and juice and these motherfuckers into a coma. Up for days. Up for days. There's definitely some maniacs out there. There were guys at my school. Check the math.

Stay in frosty. There was a guy named Colin who lit a bowl one time and was so high he passed out and the bowl landed on his cheek and it burned a half moon in his cheek. What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done where you fell asleep? I can tell you one more. I did it awake. Awake? Sober. Have you ever gone down on a girl and fell asleep on her pussy?

No way. No. You have? I did. Jesus Christ. Oh my gosh. Do you have narcolepsy? No.

Does she have a boring pussy? She had a fantastic. It was wonderful. But I was delivering newspapers. He was flipping through her pussy like it was gone with the way I was different newspapers in the morning at night so I was getting up every morning like five o'clock in the morning and I was working every night and then during the day I would work to I do a bunch of different shit during the day just try

to like just pay my bills I was always tired oh I was always tired I was working for a private investigator. That was like a lot of what I did is drive around this private investigator. Like following people. No, no, no. Yeah, it was a lot of insurance cases and shit like that.

But meanwhile, I was always tired. Like so tired. Yeah. And one time I was going down and I just fucking conked out. What did she do? What did she do? She got so mad.

She got so mad. And I'm like, do you think I wanted to do that? I'm not happy to be that tired. It's not like you're boring. I'm breaking myself. Yeah, you broke down. I'm breaking myself. I'm working out.

I was still kickboxing. I was doing stand-up comedy. I was getting up in the morning. I was delivering newspapers. Somebody falling asleep on your dick. I was working for a private investigator all day. Then I was getting to the gym. Then I was sparring.

Then I was going out and doing stand-up. And after I was doing stand-up, then I'd go over to her house and eat pussy. Sometimes I just blackout. And she was like halfway to coming. She could feel the horizon coming. I was like, wait, what? Oh, come on! She got so mad at me. I was only 21. Or whatever it was. I went down on a girl with gum in my mouth

once. Really? That's a good good move just like gum in there sometimes it happens you gotta put ice in her puss try to get a third peanut butter i fell asleep like uh you know like when like college like after making out but like you're still like cuddling yeah and i i start snoring yeah and she was like fuck this shit like we thought like you knowling. And I start snoring. And she was like, fuck this shit. We thought like, you know. I've had them snore. How much time do we have left? What is this bet?

Yeah, we got to do the bet. We got to do this, man. And you got to tell them to come over. It's definitely sober. Sober for October. But yeah, and I like that. Not drinking. Dude, that's sober. That's dude that's sober that's catchy as fuck

that's catchy as fuck I did not do it on purpose sober for October oh that is great that's perfect I like it that's perfect that's what I just said

I came up with it alright yeah but it sounds it really sounds like a t-shirt yeah sober in October I'm sure it's already been bought

no you guys need to make a t-shirt sober in October sober in October sell it at yourmomshouse.com I would never wear that t-shirt. Sober in October. Sober in October. Sell it at yourmomshouse.com. I would never wear that t-shirt. Since he's the one who didn't come up with it. I'll sell it. Sell your mom's house.

Put it on your podcast. I'm better at it. I'll sell it. Can you have Sober for October, but then an outline of a suit, that picture of Bert with the obese line there, that outline of him. Oh, that's so good. Sober for October. Sell it to Bert, Bert, Bert.

What is this? Sober for October. Oh, there's somebody doing it. Is that a website? There's Sober for October? Sell it to Bert, Bert, Bert. What is this? Sober for October. Oh, there's somebody doing it. Is that a website? There's Sober for October? I'm sure there is. Jesus Christ. How about Ox Sober?

How about Ox Sober? God damn it. These guys are like, good, let's just add to them. Whatever. Raise money for cancer support? No, fuck them. Or get drunk and party. What the fuck's wrong with you?

How about we do Bert Sober in October? No one's got that. Bert Sober in October. No, listen, you can have a we do Burt's Sober in October. No one's got that. No, listen. You can have a t-shirt that says Sober for October. I'm sure they don't have a copyright on that phrase. They're available right now

at momshouse.com. If they have a website and that's what they do, they actually might get it. Go to topsegura.com. You can get those shirts. Of course. That's why they get websites.

No one gets away. I had to buy a bunch of stuff. Did you know that somebody made, not at our prompting, made burntchrysler.com? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Once we just said it, it's already out there.

It's not good either. Someone do not get... Really? Give the guy a little slack. He's probably not a professional. No, no. I mean, it's not good for burnt.

Yeah, the guy did a great job. Old burnt here gets roasted. And they're all fatter than me. I know. You meet yeah i meet them hold on joe they're all fatter than me and and you see their moms and their moms are fucking obese like 400 pounds and they're like yeah you're a fat fuck and you were like at the time you were like i'm the same category as you medically. Medically, yeah. Medically, I was. Did you ever consider the possibility that those people are like tests given to you by the universe to see if you can navigate the waters of stupidity without barely getting wet? You can't get that bad. Just skirt around them with like a keto, like an old Steven Seagal demonstration video.

I wish. Move. Just glide. I don't like confrontation, I just go yeah I'm a fat fuck just glide past no you're better now I think it was I think if we wage you and we will at Tom's you'll be less than you were during the weigh-in

challenge I drank a lot of Tito's and soda you got a okay you got a piss a few times sober in October Bert sober in October we'll get that site Jamie we buy that real quick Bert sober October it's over someone got it so wait wait whoever just bought it send it to me and Tom. You go sober for October. No pills, no anything

except charcoal pills if you need them, which you will. Except for those. And your doctor's note. We need a doctor's note. We need to know a real number, like how many drinks you drink a day. Wait, wait. What's the physical on top of this, though? He's dead. Four shots of

vodka. And then when you land, you get more? How many drinks do you have on a normal day? Today's what? Monday. A normal Monday. Today's not normal. I'll tell you right now.

I'll tell you right now. It's Labor Day. Right. You're going to get drunk. I know that if I smoke weed, my alcohol intake disappears entirely, and I start slowing down. Hence, a three-hour conversation. I've only had that. That's not a lot. That's not a lot. That's not a lot. And a few sips of your scotch, but I start slowing down. Hence, a three-hour conversation. I've only had that. That's not a lot.

That's not a lot. And a few sips of your scotch, but I didn't like it, so I went back to this. Wow. I don't like scotch. It reminds me of medicine. So fucking rude.

And so I know that if I go to Tommy's, I'm going to loosen up, and we're going to throw on Speedos. We're all going to get in the pool. Yeah. And then I wouldn't be shocked if I killed this whole bottle today in one day No, I don't think anyone would be shocked

Shock is not a thing that came up in the comfort zone. So what I'll do is I'll wean my I will wean myself from booze, but we never gave us a number. Yeah. Yeah, how many a day? Oh, yeah, how many drinks a day? How many drinks is that? How many drinks? If you were at a bar, you ordered a single drink. You know how many out. How many drinks is that? I get double Tito's and soda in the tall glass. How many?

What do you mean? Like the number of drinks. That's how many. If you're hanging out at a bar, let's say you're at a bar. Don't play dumb. Double Tito's is two drinks. I'm not playing dumb. I'm not playing dumb.

I'm afraid to be honest. Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. We will make fun of you. Probably get like six. Would definitely be like a very comfortable number. What do you mean?

What do you mean comfortable? Six doubles. Twelve drinks. Six doubles. Six doubles. Twelve drinks. And a bartender's poor. Comfortable number?

You mean like, that's, you know, whatever. That's normal. That's me not lying. And are you hammered at the end of that? Yeah. But by the way, now, if I drink... Wow! Hold on, slow down.

If I drink at, say, where did I just have weed? Wherever I just have weed in Arizona, or Denver, I would have two smoke weed, and then I have two more and I go to bed. Okay. So four. Still a lot. Still a lot. Still a lot. smoke weed yeah and then I have two more and I go to bed okay so four still a lot still a lot still like hey I'm partying tonight

by the way Stanhope if I mean I'll I'm here's the bus trying to be as honest with you guys pushing Stanhope

no oh he's under the bus I'm super honest with you guys I'm being honest but when talking to Stanhope I do this we did this on a podcast yeah and uh and Stanhope and I were super honest with you guys. I'm being honest. But when talking to Stan Hope, I do this. We did this on a podcast.

Yeah. And Stan Hope and I were super honest about our alcohol intake. Yeah. And what did he say? I don't know. I don't remember. We were drunk. I was listening to him.

It was super important. I forgot immediately. Stan Hope. Well, I'll tell you what. One of the most beautiful things that Stan and Hope and I said is people go, oh, yeah, I quit drinking. I like getting a good night's sleep. And I was told, Stan Hope, he's like, isn's like people go, oh, yeah, I quit drinking. So I like getting a good night's sleep. And I was told Stan Hope, he's like, isn't that ridiculous?

I go, yeah, I want to quit drinking so I can use chopsticks in the morning. Like doing, no shit, eating sushi, sashimi in the morning, like at like 11 a.m. After you've had partied hard. Yeah. It's not doable. Yeah, it's a little bit of a struggle, but I definitely say it would be doable. What are you doing with your hands? Trying to operate chopsticks.

I bet it shakes. There's no question you have a problem. But where we're starting now is what the bet's going to be. But let's ask him if he thinks that's a true statement. Is that a true statement? Yeah. Legit right now, right now, we've talked about this a bunch, but I'm pushing myself way too hard than I have the capability to do.

Okay. This is what I think we should do. What I think we should do in all earnestness. It's like we haven't even... We're in September, right? Yeah. What is September? Yeah. Fourth today.

Fourth today? Yeah. Okay. Why don't we give ourselves a week, and we could do this again and sit down and see what you think about whether or not you can wean yourself off slowly or whether you even want to do it. I do, I do.

And by the way, I can. But I really want you to think about it. I think you could either decide to not and just live your life the way you're living, which is obviously very successful. People love to see you party with them. I mean, it's a big part of the fun that you're having.

You're enjoying with your stand-up comedy career. But legitimately, like as friends, when you see someone who's taken in that much alcohol, you start getting nervous. And you start going like, okay, how long can you do that? Like that's tricky that's super dangerous it's not it's not dangerous it really isn't bird it's it's dangerous to have 12 drinks a day hold on but i'm not oh man this is why i don't want to fucking be honest no no no no no you're taking the fun out of it i'm sorry no i'm not taking the fun out of it but i'm saying that if you do this is turning into an intervention this is turning into the sad shit you're talking

about i'm just being honest. I'm being honest about that number. No, but one thing that you have to admit is a fair thing is you do see that, let's say if you're examining, let's say your last week, you realize that that pace could not continue forever. 100%. That's also no one in this room could keep up with you. No one could keep up with you.

I tried once. There's no way. I took two naps last time I met with you. I can't even come close to keeping up with you. We talk about it all the time. Like, how the fuck does he do it? This is the opposite of what I wanted out of this. I think this turns into like people go, oh, shit, he's really got a problem.

No, no, no. But that's what it's turning into. No, I just don't think it's what it is. Listen to me, Joe. I think you're into like people go, oh, shit, he's really got a problem. No, no, no. But that's what it's turning into. No, I just don't think it's like that. Listen to me, Joe. I think you're overreacting. What I'm saying is you could live your life the way you're living it right now, and you're obviously enjoying yourself. Or I don't know if you think you have a problem or if you feel like you have a problem.

And I don't want to make any judgment whatsoever. I literally want you to act the way you feel. Because you could Hunter S. Thompson this thing right into the grave, and a lot of people have done it, and they probably had a better life than people that have lived sober and regretful and deep and melancholy states of mind until their fucking body shuts down. I don't know what's better. I don't know if a short life filled with partying is better

than a long life of meditating and wearing an orange robe. I mean, there's a real good argument that it's not. There's a real good argument that the party life is a better life. But what I think about any type of situation like this is I don't want to change the way you think. I want you to do whatever the fuck you want to do. That's why I said to Ari in the car, I was like, I can't do 90 days. It's not the way my brain operates. It's not the way my brain operates because I-

Do you think though, but I'm sorry to interrupt you, but this is really important. Do you think that it's possible that once you got into it and once you were in 20 days deep and you realize like you can feel better every day- Yeah, I bet you keep going to that point, right? You could. I think the hardest part, Bert, is going to get out of the first 10 to fit i'm not a fucking doctor i don't know what what it's like when people have withdrawal from alcohol but you're 100 right the hardest part 15 days or so right part of sunday morning in the dc airport yeah that'll be the hardest part and by the way by the way

i've i've definitely done this like i've definitely not drank for fucking five days like it's totally doable and i I'm not going to die. That's the other thing. No. Well, we're a little worried about you. You have to admit that the concern for that, I don't think you're going to die, but having the thought like,

hey, my friend who drinks like 80 drinks a day is going to stop drinking. Yeah, you're right. As a friend, you go like, is that a safe thing to do? No, no, no. I honestly, I don't think you got the shakes. I think you'll just drink again. Because there's no way you could do fucking 30 days.

No, no, no. This is what I think. I think that if he can get past a certain number of hours, the longer you can get past this, there's like- Six hours. No, this is really what it's like. Listen, man. This is really what it's like.

It's like gravity. Yeah. It's like when you're closer to the planet Earth, there's a lot more gravity, and you've got to get further and further and further, and once you do, you can be free. Oh, I see what you're saying. You have to get away from the gravity of alcoholism. You are right.

Because you're clearly wrapped up in it. I wouldn't say alcoholism because I don't. But only because when you're real. Let's call it Mooma Jumba Babu. You've got to get away from Mooma Jumba Babu and figure out a way to not need alcohol every day. I don't know what the fuck you want to call it. I think you can do this.

I think you can do this. I think I can do it. But I think it's a good challenge. We're down to 60 days completely. 30 days. 30 days. 31 days. 31 days.

I can say 35 days or bust. Here's the deal. Just keep it rocking in the free world. No, Bert. Okay. If you can do October, we're going to do October. It's sober Berber. We're sober October, November.

Sober Berber, Bert. So are you participating? Are you doing it at the same time? No, he won't do it. I don't have a problem. I enjoy drinking once in a while. That's what alcoholics say. Go ahead.

Keep saying it. Weird. I like getting drunk. But is that how you make it? I'll do it. It'll be unenjoyable for me. It's going to be unenjoyable for me. But listen? I'll do it. It'll be unenjoyable for me. It's going to be unenjoyable for me. Listen, I'll do it.

It's super easy, though. Yeah, I'll do it. I can easily do it. Do you feel like we're picking on you? Because that's what I really wanted to make sure we avoided. It got serious for a second. It got serious for a second. The strongest amount of mocking of you possible without hurting your feelings.

That's what we're going for. First of all, here's my... Look. Fuck. Bert. Jamie, can you get more ice? Everybody loves you. Is there some in here?

I understand that. I understand that, but that's not... Hey, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I can put my t-shirt on. Shut up. We both know that when we did this fast-shaming shit, it got out of control like this. Out of control. It got out of control. Meaning like there was a point where we were like, hey, you know I like you, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. That's what Joe just said. And I've had real moments with every single one of you, and I know you're my friends. I know that you don't talk behind my back. All the shit that bad friends do, I know that. Shut up, Tom. For sure, dude.

But there is a part of me that goes like- Especially if you do something stupid We keep our mouth shut I have talked about you behind your back No one ever talks about you You fucking assholes I don't know what you're talking about You know what man If it gets to the point where we can't mock each other

I just don't want to be here Yeah Sometimes you're the guy being mocked and you're like, hey, everyone likes me, right guys? I'm still fun.

We love you, dude. We love you. We love you. But I, I, I, you're the best,

you're the best, baddest, dropest guy. Shut up. Ah! Oh my God. I, if you stop drinking,

you could lose 15, 20 more pounds. That's the other thing. If you really do this you could lose 15, 20 more pounds. That's the other thing. If you really do this, man, you will really trim down. It's going to be nuts. Actually, it will ruin your brand. Burt will win marathons. He will win marathons.

Who the fuck about that? Because he will weigh 148 pounds. I said you will have your shirt off on stage and you'll have the shivers from being so fucking cold and thin. It's going to be weird. They're not going to be happy when you take your shirt off and you and you'll have the shivers from being so fucking cold and thin. It's going to be weird. They're not going to be happy when you take your shirt off and you've got a six pack. No. He's shredded and you've got lats. And you do this, oh, I've got to stretch my back.

Hit him with that side lat. So my dad lives in Florida, which is down there. 45. So wait, this sounds like, though, it's just a Burt challenge. Is that what I'm saying? No, we should all get in on something. That's one of the reasons why I was saying it's already 3.30. Maybe we should resume this again.

We have to figure this out today or it won't happen. Yeah, resume it. It'll happen. Is the challenge you can do this and then you have to fucking fake this in shape challenge against us? How about if I do this, I get to pick the next challenge. Ew. But you're not going to do America. It was just like...

It was so gross the way you said it. I know. Yeah, dude. I felt my butt getting fingered. You said it like Garth Brooks when he does his social media stuff. Well, I got friends in low place. I like that.

A little whiskey. I like that. I like that. Is it out of brand? No, you can get clean. For me to get like people to help me, back me in during this challenge? Sure, they'll fail. That'll make you fail too. Like nutritionist or something?

No, like getting like Stan. Like Stan Hope said he'd do it. Oh, okay. And Stan Hope's like, I'm in if you're in. That'll make you fail, too. Like nutritionists or something? No, like getting like Stan. Like Stan Hope said he'd do it. Oh, okay. And Stan Hope's like, I'm in if you're in. I'll do it. Okay. That'd be great for everybody. Yeah.

And get Stan Hope in it, too. Okay. Up the stakes. I would do it if you do it. If you want to get some balls, why don't you try to get Ron White? He'll spit in your face. Dude, I thought about that in the shower today. I thought about that.

Ron White will go, what the fuck did you just say to me? Hey, Kami. I'm from Texas. Let me just run away from you. Sober October. November also. Sober October. Bert's Sober October.

Bert's Sober October. And then whoever can join in can join in if they want to. It would be cool to run into guys like we do. What do you think your percentages are? 100%. Do you fail or succeed? 100%. Of course he's going to say that.

First of all, he's in great shape. He can run a marathon easy. That's a ridiculous number. I sense a pattern. What's the number? 100% is ridiculous. There's no way. Almost nothing is that.

Your favorite principal in high school dies, and he says in his will, I want you to drink one more drink for me. All right, let me ask you a question. You're being ridiculous. Let me ask you a question, Ari. What are the odds that you can run one mile? I can run a mile. Oh, okay.

Oh, you're selling bird fare? Good question. Yeah. Right? Wait, what does that mean? 98%. That's a good number. That's a pretty reasonable number.

One mile. It's so easy. 98%. And we're taking natural disasters out of the equation. No, we'll put that in. That's why 98%. Earthquakes, loss of family. Animals. My dad passed away. Yeah, shit like put that in. That's why 98%. Earthquakes, loss of family, animals, my dad passed away.

Shit like that could happen. You gonna drink? I'm just talking about injuries. One mile. You can do one mile for most of the time. But not 100%. You could twist your ankle. Take 20 steps in and then you couldn't do it. It could happen. 98% for me. What? What happened?

I can do it 98%. That's a good number. 98% is a happened? I can do a 98%. Okay. That's a good number. 98 is a good number for like running flat. Now, when you're running hills, like Ari, that trail that you and I went down when we did that podcast together, that's not a 98%. I think about that sometimes. Like if I broke my ankle or something down there, how do I get out of that hill?

Maybe call for help because that's an option. There's no phone service down there. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get a crawl out of there. So I think about a crawl. But I think I can crawl out of there pretty easy for a broken ankle. I think you're going to change your percentage again. I think crawl out of there would be pretty hard. I'll get out of there.

Oh, I'm getting out. Okay, what's your percentage? What's the legit percentage you could do sober for October? Sober for October. Sober for October. Legit percentage. Really think about it. Okay.

Dad dying. Sober for October. I got it. What's about it. Okay. Dad dying. So Bert for October. I got it. What's going on here, Bert? 50-50. Tom, top 50-50. It's a flip of the coin. Oh, wow.

It's a decision away. By the way, I think you're wrong, but I think it's way more realistic than any of the other two numbers you've given. All right. What about Kundalini Yoga? You ever hear of Kundalini Yoga? Kundalini Yoga you supposedly could do a psychedelic experience with. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. If I'm sober. No, no, no. We can't do sober.ini yoga you supposedly could do a psychedelic experience with. Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. If I'm so... No, no, no. We can't do this over. I'm a little bit of a teetotaler. No, this is not what I'm saying. Okay. Doing Kundalini yoga itself...

Gives you a trip? Gives you a trip. Ooh, wow. Okay, I'll try it. And you know Danny, one of Eddie Bravo's black belts? Prokobos. Yeah, Prokobos. Best of the Greeks.

Great motherfucker. But he does it all the time. Really? Yeah, yeah. He's like Greeks. Great motherfucker. But he does it all the time. Really? Yeah, yeah. He's like legit. He's like a yogi. And he says that Kundalini gives you a complete, total psychedelic state. I've never tried it.

Wow. We could all try it together. That would count as one of the hot days? Yeah. What if we do this? What if we get someone to do- Are you writing out terms? Are you going to stick around here?

Are you going to just- I'm not going to stick around here. I'll be in October. You got to go? Where are you going, bitch? Where are you going? Where are you going? You went to fucking Asia for a month with no cell phone. You can't hang around here for sober for October and do Kundalini yoga with us?

I won't be here in October. Let's see if we can get high. Let's see if we can do it. I'll do it. Let's see if we can meet the aliens. Okay. So what I have heard from people that do it, if you do it long enough and correctly, you can have intense, full-blown, hallucinogenic, psychedelic experiences that rival mushrooms

and DMT and all that shit. Wait, long enough you mean enough times in a row or long enough in one time? That's a good question. I have zero experience in it. It's just purely anecdotal. So are we all setting up- But there's too many people that I trust that have done this. That had a good- That have had psychedelic experiences.

Are we all going to do sober and yoga? We can do it. I'm down. I'll do it. I'm down. Hot yoga. Come on. Hold on one second.

Okay, when we say sober, are we talking weed? Because I can get into that place. I can get into that place I can get into that no weed place for a month I don't know do you want to be there? that's a weird place that I'm working it's weird

I can do that I could do on the cruise I could do no weed it's not the cruise Ari you don't have to do oh right right right October

intense cardio intense cardio produces those same sort of weird euphoric feelings it's like and you burn off the weed that's already in your fat

you burn it off a little bit a little bit of that but what intense cardio. And you burn off the weed that's already in your fat. You burn it off. A little bit of that. But what intense cardio does is gives you that after-weed feeling. You know the after-weed feeling when you're super high and the tail end of it, you just feel great? You want to just put weed in the bucket and we'll do weed? Just in case. I'm set.

Okay, we should think about it. We should definitely not do anything rash. We should realize that Ari doesn't love us as much as he loves going to Vietnam and hanging out with people he doesn't even know. 15 days of yoga, Ari? You don't have any dates scheduled. Where are you going? 15 days of yoga, 31 days sober, all of October.

I can't be here for the whole October. What are you going to do? Why not? What else are you going to do? Where are you going? Are you going to go to Thailand again, you fuck? No, I don't know. I'm going to go to Vietnam and make my own rice.

I'm going to live off a backpack and sleep with weirdos. Text them. The fuck, dude? No, no. Text the fam. Who are you texting? Sissues? Yeah, my girls.

Yeah. Problems? Just head over, man. Riders on the storm. Yeah, it's 3.33. This means we're about three hours. We've got to solidify this tonight. We're fine.

We've got to keep going. There's only one way. Sober for October. We could have one more cocktail. I'm just trying to solidify this tonight. We're fine. We've got to keep going. There's only one way. Sober for October. We could have one more cocktail. I'm just trying to think what this means. This means no weed. Okay, on one hand, I don't want to do the not weed. On the other hand, I think if he does sober but also smokes weed,

it's just going to be a stopgap to get him right back to drinking heavily again. It's interesting. Say that again. That if you're allowed to smoke weed, it's just going to propel you into drinking more sooner're allowed to smoke weed you'll just smoke a bunch of weed it's just going to propel you into drinking more

sooner than later like when I've been a heavy pothead I'm like oh there's no weed around but I can just get drunk tonight okay that'll last

me till tomorrow I'll tell you that in all honesty once again I have a problem with teetotaling so if I don't drink I actually won't

do anything because I get a little obsessive compulsive but are you permitting what do you mean by teetotaling what do you mean by that no teetotaling means I don't do anything because I get a little obsessive compulsive. But are you permitting? What do you mean by teetotaling? What do you mean by that? I have no teetotaling means I don't do anything. Right.

Like I become really strict about it. Like I have also because it means it happens if I want. Yeah. And a little bit. If I smoke weed, I'll probably end up wanting a beer. Well, let's let him express himself. What do you mean? Like you have a problem with teetotaling?

I have a problem with teetotaling. It's obsessive compulsive compulsiveness. I get like seven days where I don't drink and I go, fuck, dude, I don't want to drink at all. You mean a problem you have no problem with. You can just hurry on solidly. Not no problem, because the problem becomes the first day of drinking again, I get obsessive about it, and I can't have a drink, because I go, man, you're doing so good.

Don't fucking drink. It's almost the way, you know? Yeah. So like if I smoke, I just won't smoke weed. That's just real. But I don't care if you guys do. You should smoke weed and do yoga. There you go.

That's what you should do. There you go. But you'll say you'll smoke weed and then drink. I mean, I'll say smoke weed just because if I see you guys at the store and you guys have a joint, I'd want to smoke weed with you guys. We should get together and do what the young kids would say, hella bong rips, and then go take some fucking yoga classes. I would do that.

I'd do that. We should film it. I'd do that. Let's do it. We should do it. We'll get Vice to get in on this. I'd do that in a heartbeat. 15 yoga classes in 30 days.

You do it? I'll do it. I'm in. Sober October. 15 yoga classes in 15 days. And you can't go on the road? You can get high as you want. You gotta do them on the road.

You don't do the road. You do on the road. Yeah, 15 yoga classes. 15 days. And you can't go on the road? You can get high as you want. Yeah, you got to do that on the road. You got to do them on the road. You don't do the road. You do it on the road. Yeah, 15 hot yoga classes. Yeah. But you can get high as you want, Kimo Sabe. And they'll follow you to the road, whoever advice or whoever does it. Dude, whatever. Ankle bracelets, vice, whatever you need.

Oh, scram cam. Scram cam. I'm in on the scram cam. That'll hold me accountable. We move into a weird area if we don't trust each other. By the way. We need a scram cam. I agree with you, but I don't trust Bert.

Are you serious? No way. I feel bad about this. There's no way. It'd be too crazy to say, just trust me on this. It'd be too crazy. I know what would drive you after him saying he's in great shape and he can run a marathon easy.

I have no doubts that he'd be 100% unbiased and completely clean. First of all, I've never drank a drink. It would help relieve ideas when they fucking keep their body cams on. I had a glass of red wine with dinner. What's the big deal? Okay, so scramcam.com. The glass was as big as a fishbowl. I'll get a scram cam.

Yeah. I don't want him to wear a scram cam. I do, and I wouldn't allow it. I think it'd be a wonderful opportunity for Bert to come clean. Just come clean with us. You don't need go pee bro. Scram Cam, go enjoy the disgusting after work. I mean not that you're not coming clean but that like you don't like that you're just there's not even a possibility I don't think

there's a possibility that you would lie. I wouldn't lie if I drank. People would not trust you unless you had Scram Cam. No no no that's this is a binary thing this is a one and zero thing this isn't like what Bert's talking about before, sort of like fun and exaggerations. But when you're talking to like one or zero, did you yes or no drink? Yeah, I'd trust you. If I drank, I'd just start drinking again and let you guys know. I don't mind losing the bet. It'd be nice to have scrimp.

I don't need it. I don't need it. Just for me and Tom and the fans, then. The fans probably would appreciate it if you would acquiesce. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Here's my deal. and Tom and the fans, then. The fans probably would appreciate it if you would acquiesce. I'll tell you what. Here's my deal. I'll make it with you guys. If I do in Chicago or somewhere, if I go

on the road and you want to scram cam me for a weekend, you can be a scram cam. Which side of the bed do you sleep on? Do you sleep on your stomach or back? I sleep on my left side. Sober October October. Did you get it? Yeah. Left side. Sober October. October.

Did you get it? Sober October. Did you get it? Yeah, buy it. Buy it. Buy it. Sober October. Yeah, it's soberoctober.com. Sober October.

Sober October. That's a great $12.99. That's amazing. Oh, I like this. Why is the government getting involved? That's amazing. The fucking government gets involved with everything, man. Sober October.

Soberoctober.com. That's great. So do the gets involved with everything, man. Sober October. SoberOctober.com. That's great. So do the fucking 31 days. Scram cam, of course. Yeah, you're doing scram cam. I'll do scram cam if you need me to. I will. I do.

I'd like you to. You pussies are shying away from the yoga part. I want you guys to do 15 hot yoga classes. Hot yoga classes. You can tag on that or I don't know how I do that.

Tom, you have a lot to catch up on. Yeah, what happened? Okay, he's doing Scram Cam. Is he right? He should do Scram Cam? Joe's saying no, but obviously he should. Joe says no. You're the deciding vote. Scram Cam or no Scram Cam? Scram Cam. Thank you. I thought you'd be on the fence. I'll try to. I was playing good cop. Or I played bad cop hard.

Good cop doesn't get fucking crime solved. And then the fucking district attorney just came in, Scram Cam. There was one time I had a T. I was in soda. Scram cam. Oh, and we gotta set up notifications for the three of us

so we'll all get a message if he... Oh, yeah. Be on the scram cam notification. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, hello, hello. Marijuana's acceptable

during this? Like I said, this is some shit that men and women do when they have role-playing games. Like one plays the detective and the wife plays the lonely housewife that can't help drinking martinis and sucking dick. He should wear it before we start and just fucking get hammered. Let's see what the Scram Cam does.

By the way, we should test the Scram Cam. We should test the Scram Cam. Let's get it right now before I leave. Hey, guys, Powerful Jamie coming up with Sober October. Someone sent that to me. I want to take full credit for that. Powerful Jamie. We got the website Sober October.

Sobert? October? No, Sober October. Sober October. No, you're confusing the fuck out of everybody, bro. Bro? I'm going to go. Still, go through TomSagura.com for the shirts, though.

Go through TomSagura.com. Because Tom has nothing to do with it. Don't go to BertBertBert.com. So sober October. Unless you're looking to buy tickets for all Bert's upcoming games. You can get those at BertBertBert.com. Scram cam is tested September 31st. Oh, where are you?

At the DC Improv at that show. You will watch me go for my... September 1st. You might die of alcohol poisoning. You can't be September 31st. That means you can't drunk that night. September 31st. September, the day, the day that I...

When midnight hits. The day the bet starts. He starts when he's already in D.C. No, no, I'm saying, but we're getting the month, October 31st is the last day. No, I said September. September 31st. Okay. To October 1st.

Wait, but what happens to September 31st? You got to stop drinking by noon probably. You got to stop drinking by noon. Oh. You've got to stop drinking by noon. Oh, you don't want to see what I registered that night going into? Sober. Okay. October. Okay.

All right. Yeah, but so if he starts at midnight drunk. That's not sober. I wouldn't call that sober. Good point. That's a good point. I mean, if you had to put it in a category. Ari is 100% right.

You have to stop the 31st of September. He's right. I've got to stop the 30th. The evening of the 30th, I stop drinking. So technically, I have a full day of sobriety. Wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no. There's only 30 days in September. Ari, what I'm saying is I need to stop a full day before October starts. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the 29th. Okay. Right, right. Yeah. So I start, you want me no booze. So that's kind of 31 days. Stop by noon. Stop by noon. Stop by noon or 1 p.m. I don't drink in the day. Great. Then you're no problem want me no booze. So that's kind of 31 days. Stop by noon.

Stop by noon. Stop by noon or 1 p.m. I don't drink in the day. Great, then you're no problem. Then it shouldn't be any problem for you. I have drank in the day. I have drank in the day. Isn't it the day and aren't we drinking?

We started at 12.45 p.m. It's a Bert story. It's the day and we're drinking. You say you don't drink in the day. This episode brought to you by Scram Cam. This episode brought to you by Day Drinking. High risk offenders, it said. This is the craziest thing you've ever said while two red plastic cups are in front of you.

I don't drink in the day. While you drink in the day. Don't you love the hyperbole of me? I speak in hyperbole. I see what you're doing. That's beautiful. I speak like in a campfire. You find your way where you always win.

And that's a really important thing if you want to get by this drowning world of prosperity. All right, so it is 30 days, 31 days, whatever, October. Sober October. So I will enter October sober is what you're saying? Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay.

And then what's the physical part? The 15 yoga sessions? 15 yoga sessions. Hot yoga sessions. Yeah, 15 hot yoga sessions. 90 minutes. 90 minutes. Then bullshit 60-minute classes.

I did it on 15. By the way, I'll be texting both of you, and I don't mind, for that first week, hitting you guys up and finding one that we can all do together, like a team. Yeah, we should. We'll go together. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question about this hot yoga. Yeah.

So you're saying, if it does get too hot, it enters a danger zone, I can just sit on the side, drink a lot of water. Not on the side. You sit on your mat. On your mat. And drink a little water. And drink a lot of water, the side you sit on your mat on your mat like a little water Drink a lot of water, but you don't have to leave safely. You don't have to leave. Don't be a pussy Okay, but come on man in there and you

Are we adding that like if you leave? Yeah, you leave for three minutes. You're a loser. Yeah, if you leave you lose I can't even give me three times wait for four minutes each. Here's the other thing so wait that's decided No, you can't don. Don't be a loser. Not even a few times. I thought it was 15. You can't leave three times? I started doing yoga very seriously

two and a half years ago. I have left class zero times. What are the stakes? Don't be a bitch. That's the only other thing we haven't talked about. Wait, you gotta also say, how much water do I have to bring in there

to do that safely? 64 ounces. We'll talk to you the day of. A gallon. A gallon of water. A bunch before. You know what I do? Honestly, I have one of in there to do that safely? We'll talk to you the day of. A gallon. A gallon of water. You know what I do? Honestly, I have one of those flasks. I think they're called hydro flasks, and it's giant.

That's the first thing I'm just trying to sit in there. It's really fat and wide, like an elephant dick. And I fill it up with ice to the top of small ice cubes, and then I fill it up with water so that the ice has a lot of room for water. It gets to there. And then when I'm in class, that 90 minutes I'm drinking like the ice is cold water every you know five or six poses or something like that you

take a break and have some by the end you have no water left pretty close usually I just have like a little bit of ice I've drank a whole 64 ounce thing in a 90 minute class it's hard to do man but I think it's done 90 minutes this is what I think I think it's one of- 90 minutes, not 60 minutes? It's done in 90 minutes. This is what I think. I think it's a real difficult- I thought the standard was 60 minutes. Henry Yoga said the standard was 60 minutes. That guy's a pussy.

When you can get through it, if you can get through 15 of those in 30 days, I think you can fucking get through a lot of shit. I think you surprised yourself. I think you're totally right, and the amount of discipline you'll need on two fronts is great. But here's the other thing. You're such a cunt. No, no, no. here's the other thing. You're such a cunt. No, no, no.

Here's the other thing. The last one had real stakes. What does that mean? Well, there were stakes, man. You lose your beard. You had somebody welch on a bet.

I did not welch on a bet! You know goddamn well I did not welch on a bet. Hold on, hold on. I have never welched on a bet in my life. All I asked you for was BMI is a measurement of height and weight. I said, okay, you have to height. He's clearly lying about his height. So just fucking measure his height. I'm 6'4", man.

And it turned out he was clearly lying. There was no question he was lying. We all knew that ahead of time. We said he had to fucking measure his height. Oh, and it turned out he's 96 feet tall. Little 6'1". And he was barely above the VMR. I'm not trying to say I'm worse than a bet.

I'm just saying make an accurate measurement. If you make an accurate measurement, I will fucking pay. And then I fucking emailed him. Listen to me, man. I emailed him. I got a very in VMR. You did. I said I'm paying the bet, obviously fucking emailed him. Listen to me, man. I emailed him and I got a ferry in Myanmar. You did. I said I'm paying the bill, obviously.

You did. You did. The Anti-Defamation League is after you right now for enforcing negative stereotypes. You told me I was a Welsh guy when I just asked for a measurement of height. And when they got the measurement, he was clearly like, no apology. No, oh, it turns out I was, it was right to ask for this. How many tweets did you get calling you a Welsh? A lot of them.

I'm a Welsh. Oh, my God. I've done everything. I've got my nipple pierced. I wore a diaper for days. That's true. I'm always not Welsh. Oh, you're voice breaking like Kevin McAllister.

Hold on. All I know is I sent these boys to a basketball game. Yes, you did that on your own. I had nothing to do with that. I was going to fucking play the guitar when you guys were fucking eating pizza. I was never going to well. You went to Asia for four months to get out of a bed. Ari went on a walkabout across Asia.

Where you cannot reach him. There's no fucking human. I still had a guy. I still had a guy. I met a guy in fucking some city somewhere. He was like, so you're going to pay off that bet? Really? Yeah, I was recognized five times in almost four months.

He's probably a good American. He's out there doing his duty. Oh, God. I had so many people. I had so many people shame you. I had so many people shame you. Like, to me. Weren't they enjoyable to get. Oh, God. Trying to slut shame you. I had so many people shame you to me. Weren't they enjoyable to get?

Oh, man. And also on the road after shows, they'd be like, are you ever going to pay for that shit? Dude, I'd be on the road and I'd say something.

Why did you not tell people I emailed you and saying I was going to fucking pay off? I texted you that day before I even left. It's... When's the last text I sent?

Oh, my God. You barely passed. 5.11.7, you barely passed 511 point seven you failed 8.5, but you got it, but it was fun to pile on I'm telling you for real now the first 15 to 20 days. I was out there I was fucking angry at you guys for telling me I was a welsh are like these motherfuckers I got a fucking calm down say I'm a well shot I don't feel like I said you were I tried to stay out

I really don't I tried to stay out of it too but the fans wouldn't have it I like them doing it like when they did it oh I loved it

I remember being somewhere and ooh we good yeah we're good I remember being somewhere and then I was like someone's like

Bert you look skinny and someone goes Tom is fat and I go yeah I go well I go so for those of you who don't know that we had a bet going

and then someone yelled, Ari's a Jew. Let's get paper towels. Maybe I should have told this story later. What, what, Ari's a Jew? Sorry, sorry. That's okay.

You're such a cunt. So listen, Boris, we're going to be fine. That was so great. Thank you. No one liked your fucking story? Yeah, that story bombed as bad as the last one. Oh my God.

It was a check drop story. Did everyone, when you were trying to explain the Game of Thrones, did that bother you at all? No. By the way, I thought it was a very good story. So you should use that to better your life. Did you stop thinking about it? Have you blocked it out, how bad it was? No.

Would that, no, really, for real, Tom, if you told a story like that. Tom, what are you talking about? real Tom if you told a story like that Center stage and told that story was that was that worse than the laugh lounge. How would you feel? Oh, I mean that would be my new worst story ever that would be that would lower the standard What would you feel like about yourself? Would you be like did I have a seizure like what? Yeah wrong? I'd be like I drink too much. I'm super fat. My story sucks. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Boys, we're going to be fine. Everybody's going to be fine. Okay, okay, okay. So if you do these 15 yoga classes. 90 minutes long each. What are the stakes? What are the stakes? There we go. That's what we got to get to.

It started with you saying you you could miss in a marathon. What if we do all these in my new studio? All the yoga classes? Yep, we can get in there. I can't be here for a month in October. We can get in, but you have to. I'll pay you. I'll pay you.

I'll pay you, too. We'll pay you like TV money. Don't pay him. You make a lot of money. I won't pay him. What else are you doing? What are you doing on the road? What do you have to do?

I'm going to see my family in October. What are you talking about seeing your family? They just told me. Just go to that fucking neighborhood with all the Hasidics. What are you doing on the road? What do you have to do? I'm going to see my family in October. What are you talking about seeing your family? They just told you. They'll be back. Just go to that fucking neighborhood with all the Hasidics. Listen, that looks like your family. Just hug random Jews. Find one of those women that looks like their nose is a toe and talk to her.

Just take a walk on a Saturday, you asshole. Find one with thick yarn hanging off their belt. You'll be a kin. Just stay here with us. Where is Antifa when you need them? Stay here with us with us they're always there they're inside all of us I don't know if I can stay here think how much fun it would be why the fuck do you want to go to New York it when it's October I believe it's the You're at their fucking right this Listen to me I will rent you a house you you go on Airbnb. I'll pay for your house rental I'll pay for a rental car. I'll pay for a rental car for the entire month of October I mean, this is a hundred percent free for you. I will. I will give you a food allowance, a daily

food allowance. Ari, you're doing this. Ari, do this. It's not about that. I have a life. I need to start. That's why I'm not going on the road. I'm going to pay you a significant amount of money for every podcast you do with me in that time period. Ooh, I like this. Come on, brother. Let's have some fun. Ari, do it.

I want you to do it. Ari, this is the challenge I'm taking. I want you to be like you not seeing your family for a month. All of us, we're gonna do yoga together 15 times over 30 days. No, Ari, that's not like that. But we can't skimp. That's my whole life there. Your whole life.

I'm gonna skimp for a fucking month. A chick you haven't fucked yet is your whole life, Ari. All you got is pussy on the East Village. Whoa. Whoa. You just called him out. That's all, like, hanging out with Big Jay Lewis. I get it. Sal.

Come on, man. Come on, you're over here with us. Yeah. And all that's taken care of, and you're here. Big Jay Lewis. He's talking about Big Jay Oakerson. He said Big Jay Lewis. Big Jay and Lewis are two different people.

Milwaukee, Miami. Hold on, fuck both you guys. Big Jay Oakerson and Lewis Gomez you didn't say it like it was a different person you were like Big J Louis I said their names in repetition

you just were off pace it's like if someone asked you for your phone number it's 322-4567 there's two spots there two spots fucking there's quarters

on the ground here there's a lot to do man dude stay in here become a tailor listen yeah make shoes. I've been thinking about kidnapping you anyway. Learn how to tell.

Stop cutting your horns. I'm tired of you being on the other side of the planet. I'm tired of you being on the other side of the planet. It's annoying. Stay over here, dude. Hang out with us. Stay over here for October. We'll all be sober.

We'll all go to the yoga classes. We'll get closer and we'll get healthier and we'll run a marathon or something. You've got to stop pretending that the comedy store is the greatest place on the face of the earth. I'm not pretending that. I'm saying I want to be 3,000 miles away from that. That's what I'm saying. Why are you doing that?

Stop pretending it's not the greatest place in the world. Oh, I get it. You gotta be here, bro. All of October, work out some sort of financial arrangement. I'll rent you a Corvette.

Ooh. Ari, do it. Ari, do it. I have no interest in riding around in a Corvette. How about a black one? A sleek new one. Ari.

If you get me a Honda Civic with GPS, that would help. You're going to drive a Corvette like a goddamn American. I don't want a Corvette. It's so tacky. I don't want that. Force him to drive a Corvette. You've never driven one. You'll get past the tacky.

I would get on the highway to do that. It'd be nice, but not every day. It's so gross. No way. No way. I'm not driving one of day. It's so gross. No way. No way. I'm not driving one of those. That's a separate bed of back to fucking. How about that Shelby Mustang?

You can rent, put him in that. Ooh. No, no, no, no, no. How about this? What? What about like. If you get me a 67 Mustang to drive around in for a fucking month. The brakes are terrible.

You'd want a resto mod. It's a lot of complications. What about Like if you're talking about Like a new car A new car What about a BMW M4

What if I gotta go to London For a week Oh yeah So it sits here And that's how life works When you're not here It doesn't drive itself It's not like Herbie the love bug

Right Fuck But I'm saying What if I gotta go to London For a week for press But I think I do That's fine Wait

What are you going for That's fine What are you going to London for Press Yeah I gotta go to Chicago That's week for press, but I think I do. That's fine. Wait. What are you going for? That's fine. What are you going to London for? Press. Yeah, I gotta go to Chicago. That's what I'm doing here. How many days? It would probably be a week.

What are you doing for press in London? What's going on in London? I gotta do a Netflix run of press for fucking London. One in LA, one in New York, one in London. Like, what do you do? You do radio over there or something? A bunch of panel shows and radio and podcasts. No shit.

Do that. You gotta do that. But you gotta be sober. And hey, look, you have stories. You're gonna arrive with stories, man. And you're going to do sets out there as well? Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure.

Oh, okay. Yeah, of course. Do you have a thing scheduled yet or no? Mm-mm. No. Okay. No. So you're in.

You're in. You're in. You're in. So you're in. So how many days is this you're talking about? October. And then go straight from here to the fucking Joker's Cruise. Me and you.

I got to go two days early. This summer I got to meet in New Orleans a couple days early. We're not going to work this out. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to work this out in the next five minutes Me and you. I gotta go two days early. This summer I gotta meet in New Orleans a couple days early. We're not gonna work this out. No, no, no, no, no. I'll buy your flight. We're not gonna work this out in the next five minutes. I'll buy your flight.

Two days before. Nope. Yeah, why not? Two days before. Because I can't miss Halloween. Oh, maybe I can. The kids are used to not having you around, Bert.

Thanks, Ari. Jesus Christ. No, I'm just saying because he's a bad father. Let's do it. Oh, Jesus. I think you misunderstood me. Did you text them yet? I texted them. I haven't been Let's do it. Oh, Jesus. I think he misunderstood me. Did you text him yet?

I texted him. I haven't been replying. Okay, okay, okay. I've got to stop this. No, no, no. Let's finish it off. Four hours. Let's finish it off, though.

We're not going to finish it off, Joe. Let's finish it off, Joe. Okay. We're not going to hastily finish it off. We're not going to hastily finish it off and then correct it. Okay. I think we should talk about this and I'll announce it on a future podcast. No, no, no, no, no.

No, Joe, this is the one. This is the one. Let's talk it out. Okay. Ready? Okay should talk about this and I'll announce it on a future podcast. No, no, no. No, Joe, this is the one. Let's talk it out. Ready? Sober October. Ari October. What's Ari October? Ari's here. I'll lean towards doing it if we can figure it out. What color should the Corvette be? I like black. I like black. Yellow, yellow.

You're being ridiculous. That's personal pain to me. Oh, this makes me excited. These are locked in. How about you drive a yellow Corvette? Oh, this makes me excited. Oh, yellow, yellow? These are locked in. Yellow. Yeah. How about you drive a yellow Corvette? Oh, fuck yeah, Zari. Come on, bro.

If you can get me Tarantino's pussy wagon. Okay, all right. Does he have a pussy wagon? Yeah. The one from Kill Bill. Should we hold hands while we do this? No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

So if we do that, if we do that, if someone doesn't do it, then what happens? Twice in four hours. If someone doesn't do it. Yeah, that's the thing. So then I have to fly home to meet my family for three days and come back and then go to London and whatever, but from here. Face it here. What are the stakes?

It's not money, right? No, how about this? It's sobriety related. How about the loser has to throw a party for the other people in their honor and you have to do ice sculptures and make it crazy and throw a crazy ass party.

I fucking hate you. That's a great idea. Why don't we do that? What kind of ice sculptures? All dicks, right? All dicks and they're all pointed at Bert's mouth

and they're shooting shit at Bert's mouth. That's your option. The ice sculptures are like half-limbed dicks that are dripping down your face. Those are all good suggestions.

It takes longer for them to break off. And they all go into birds mouth Yeah, if you're loving it because if that come out the artist is good enough to show how much you love ice dicks What's your face? What's the measurable variable for for like if everybody gets? Would you drown in ice dick? No? No? for like if everybody gets to it. Would you drown in ice dick?

No, no, no. How do you win or lose though? Yeah, no. So if we all do it, then you do the decathlon, then the loser of that. Oh, okay. So it carries over. That's what we're deciding.

What he said before was, instead of marathon, what Tom said before was, he couldn't do 90 days. But if he did do 90 days, then you could get the honor of challenging us to a marathon, which we'd never... No, no, no. The winner announces the events for the decathlon for who's the best in shape.

That's good. That's good. And the loser of the decathlon pays the winner of the decathlon the party. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So here's what we're Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So here's what we're doing. Okay.

30 days sober in October. 15. 15? 31 days sober in October. Already in October. Yes? Can the loser also have to shower the winner in good words and praise? I would love that.

For a period of at least four minutes? Interesting. Maybe we should do the opposite. Maybe the winners should shower the losers with praise to rebuild their self-esteem after this horrific defeat. We've got to think of things to show that's ultimately

what we're about. We need four or five people to lift Bert up at that point. Because for sure, Bert's going to die off around 13 yoga classes in six or seven days and no booze. So once you fail, can we all just stop at that point? Stop talking to me directly. It's a competition we're all doing.

Who do you think at this table would have the hardest time quitting booze? I think probably Bert. Oh, Bert for sure. Who do you think? Booze? Honestly. Probably Ari. No way.

That's hilarious. Especially in LA. Ari didn't drink for the first 15 years that I knew him. I drink it at New York because it's a New York fucking thing to do. Yeah. That's hilarious. Especially in L.A. Ari didn't drink for the first 15 years that I knew him. I drink in New York because it's a New York fucking thing to do. Yeah. He barely drank in L.A. I'd give him a drink. Can I change my answer?

I'd give him a shot. He'd go. Oh, yeah. I made him drink shots. He was like, disgusted. What's wrong with you? I was like, you gotta be free, Shafir. Free.

So sober from alcohol in October. Yeah. No, who's going to have the hardest time? It's obviously me. It's obviously you. Okay, that's nice. That. No, who's going to have the hardest time? It's obviously me. It's obviously you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's nice. That's beautiful.

Who's going to have the hardest time with the hot yoga? Rogan will have the easiest time. I enjoy yoga. I'll probably have the hardest time because I get claustrophobia. I never do it that much. I never do it 15 days. 15 days. Let's do it.

In 30 days. I never do it. The most I've ever done it ever is I think I did three times a week once. I've done twice a week multiple times. Most of the time I do one time a week. Okay. Let me ask you a question. If I pass out in one and people have to drag me out.

If they drag me out. I'll say it. Will you lose? Come on, man. I love you. You lose if they drag you out of me. I love you. I'm going to say it.

We piss in your mouth and then you don't have a party. You lose. And by the way. If they drag you against your will, they take you out of there a party. I'm going to teet-bag you. You lose. And not to wait. I'm going to teet-bag you. Against your will, they take you out of there? Yeah. Okay, great. I'm getting people to take you out.

Backwards. I'm getting people against your will. Cops. I'll tell them they're black. I'll say, drag them out of here. Listen, all you have to do is when you get to, like, you got to, it's really on Scout's Honor. Yeah.

When you get to an unmanageable state of heat and exhaustion, just lay down. It's called savasana. You lay down flat and just chill out. And then when you feel like you've recovered a little bit, then you get back up. I do the regular yoga. Yeah. Hot yoga's going to be a little bit difficult. Hot yoga's pretty aggressive. And yoga is 60 minutes. Yeah, 90 minutes is better because

it shows between 60 and 90. That's what separates the girls from the women. I'm saying, okay. I'll be the women and the girl here. I think Tom's going to have the hardest time with that yoga. Tom's a power lifter. He's not even like a cardio guy.

You only want three times of the five minute break? Three of the 15. No breaks. No breaks. I'm signing up for the five minute break. That's a huge challenge.

No breaks, pussies. Let it be a little challenging to you guys as well. Health wise? I think that's super challenging Yeah, yeah, I will quit drinking and do the yoga all you guys have to do is not drink Which is not a challenge and then do the yoga, which is a huge I think we might all fail on that then what happens we're not gonna

Not even one time to I'm gonna break Vince that I could do it and I'm the one who does it all the time. I'm saying we should be able to do it. So three five minute breaks. Three times only. I can't believe you can break without leaving the room. I can't believe you're arguing as much as this. Alright, good point.

The harder challenge is me not drinking. No breaks, bitch. No, you'll for sure fail on that. I'm thinking of myself. And then the person who wins that challenge- Picks. Picks and gets to name the decathlon events. We do the decathlon one day?

No, over many days. But what would the decathlon be? Like some sort of a physical event? Yes. Like what kind of shit? It'd be like a one day event. A bike race. A running race.

A high school track meet, basically. So the benefit- Go ahead. Well, we set up- The benefit of choosing- An Olympiata. Is that you, let's say, you know, you're like, well, I'm the best sprinter or whatever,

so we have to do this sprint. I'm the best at this, whatever, pull-ups. You'd be like, do we have to do pull-ups? Like, you name the events so that they, if you win. No, no way. All the events, the winner names all the events, you would just name it all in your favor. Yeah, obviously. Hold on. But that makes sense.

You're like, sucking dicks. Fucking. You dominate. Eating a million fucking nachos. Tom would be like, fart in your mouth. No, no, no, no. It's all physical events.

It's a physical event. We'd all have to have some say. You have more say. How about you have more say? That makes sense. All right, what would you choose? If you had the opportunity to create a gauntlet.

How long are we going to be A gauntlet of different difficult exercises. I got it. A 440. A 100-yard dash. How about 3, 3, 4? So sprinting.

A 440, a 100-yard dash. Is one lap, a quarter mile. A quarter mile and then a 100-yard dash. Okay, there's two running things. Can I break in here and say that's a long distance from a marathon? You fucking... No, no, no, no. But that's where I think I'd excel.

That's where I think I'd excel, you asshole. Fuck. So you still look at his face like, you fucking liar. You 800? His eyes closed. I was so fucking... I'd do an 800.

I'd do an 800. And a sprint? I'd definitely do a mile. All running stuff? All hard stuff? No biking, no swimming, no fucking... Hold on, hold on. I get to pick the fucking marathon. That's why I picked it. But wait a mile. All running stuff? All running stuff? No biking, no swimming, no fucking? Hold on, hold on. I get to pick the fucking marathon.

That's why I picked it. But wait a minute. So you think that you could win one of these things? I could win a number of these things. What things do you think you could win? 100-yard dash? For real? What?

You think you could win that? No way! You're out of your mind! There is no way. Only a twisted ankle. You think, okay, I definitely got Tommy in this. Right. No.

Oh, he just said right. No, I don't think you could. There's no way. I got you in a 100 yard dash. No way. No, no, no. You think so? No.

I think you could beat me in a mile for sure. I don't think you went in a mile. I definitely beat you in a mile. I beat you in an 800. You know that. Where do you win on a sprint? Off the blocks? Yeah, I beat Tommy in a sprint.

100%. Interesting. I don't think so. By the way, this is why the decathlon is going tommy in a sprint 100 i don't think so by the way this is why the decathlon is going to be interesting because we all get to pick our events what we do is everyone who doesn't come in first place i have the opportunity to come in first place because i didn't drink for a whole month and i did the yoga all right do you feel like you could beat him in a sprint for sure no question here's how it should go Of course If you win You should get to pick two events Two events?

Listen We all know he's gonna be wrong Let's say It's five events It's a decathlon I'm just making up If we call it a decathlon

do we have to do 10 if you're going to do a decathlon it has to be 4 track and 6 field events a total of 10 events

competitions include 100 meter sprint 110 meter hurdles 400 meter event 1500 meter event long jump high jump shot

discus throw traveling throw pole vault. We're not doing these. Swimming, biking, running. We meant to cap on in that. Multi-event. That's all we're saying. Four track.

What does that mean? I want to give Tom an advantage. Strongman stuff. Throw a kettlebell over a... Am I involved in this or no? You are definitely involved. Joe, all I want out of this is for me not to drink in October. Me to do yoga

with you. We all hang out. We all have a good time all through October. Hold on. Sorry, go ahead. And then we all... You're gonna beat me in a 100-yard dash? No way. That seems super unlikely. Hold on.

I think it's going to be special bonus points if you beat Rogan in any event. I'm a lot lighter than you, man. In shape? I mean, you're both in great shape. He's got just the fucking hair on his face. I wouldn't be confident to say that I would beat you if you weren't so confident to say you'd beat everybody. I'm like, of course you would be confident. You'd be humble, but you'd be confident. I'm the Japanese guy walking out in pride in a dress.

But you're not. You're Bert Kreischer. Yeah, you're not. You're Bert Kreischer, and I'm 78 pounds lighter than you. You're 78 pounds lighter than me? Yeah, he's at least 250. Yeah, so. I'm not 250.

I'm being nice. You're 350. How much do you weigh now? 271. 222. 222. Yep. When I get up, I take a leak in the morning, and then I weigh myself.

I'm about 195. Wow. Am I the. That's an edge advantage. That's definitely a much lighter body. I do have, like, when it comes to muscle twitch, I got that long strand. Yeah, I bet you do. I would like you to do that run I do with me one it comes to muscle twitch I got that long strand Yeah I bet you do I would like you to do

That run I do with me one day Okay With the hike Yeah that crazy But I run it Tell me when Tell him when man By the way I'd love to do it

I'd love to do it It's fun to do man Because I listened I listened to that On the hike I listened to that on a plane I loved it Yeah

And I was like I know you guys smoked a joint Before the uphill Nope Oh before the uphill yeah Yeah we got down the basin And I was like I would never guys smoked a joint before the uphill nope oh before the uphill yeah yeah we got down the basin and I was like I would never

I would never be able to do that because I would definitely be huffing and puffing up an uphill no honestly man it actually dilates your lungs I do cardio

after I smoke weed all the time I can't do that you can go longer because you lose track of what you're doing you literally can go longer for real?

yeah but you know I think Jamie knows Jamie runs a lot. There's a lot of marathon runners that don't get blazed, but they'll smoke a little bit before they run. They're cool. My thought on all of this is it would be nice if we all did something just like your weight loss challenge did. But I think the weight loss challenge, we might have missed the mark, quite honestly, with the idea that you guys could dehydrate yourself.

Like, it would have been probably better. We didn't miss the mark because I said that's why they have to wear it three straight days. No, but I'm saying, yeah. And two. Because they wouldn't do the cut. But listen, Ari, you're wrong because that's why I have to wear three straight days No, but but I'm saying yeah Because they wouldn't listen are you wrong because it's super bad for your body over That's like insanely bad for your body to be that dehydrated three days in a row, but not drinking is not bad It's not nearly as bad as dehydrating yourself like that Drinking is normal your body is normally processing alcohol if you drink on a normal basis your liver Processes out when you dehydrate yourself like 15 pounds of water or like a yoga class your body's not firing

64 ounces while you're in class jesus you're gonna do great i'm drinking a fucking half a gallon in the middle of the class i do think what if there's a p what if you have to pee hold on what if you have to pee hold on you gotta pee before you go come on you do wait wait i just thought stop hold on the three of us i've peed twice. You do definitely have to pee before you go. Stop. Hold on. The three of us. I've peed twice in this podcast and I want to pee again. You've got to give me a chance to pee. That's ridiculous. I'll never make it.

I'll tell you now, I'll never make it. This is all mental. Why would you not be able to do it if I can do it? Of course you can do it. Bladders are different sizes. That's one reason.

You can do it, man. Hold on. You've got to let me pee. If I run in, out, and come back in in under 50 seconds. You can get 90 seconds. Here's better, better. We're going to do it man hold on you gotta let me pee if i run it out and come back in you can get 90 seconds okay here's better better we're gonna do it we're gonna put plastic down i'm gonna let you pee your pants gotta hang in there if you give me a bottle in a corner where

no one can see it i can do that but a corner like a fucking somewhere like a way like if they had that that the fucking room where you have the shit in this is his escape closet No, come on. You got the P. Oh, that's ridiculous. You can't do an hour and a half without being I might not sometimes I can I really have to do he's heading is bad is pee before you go into class and you'll be so Dehydrated while the class is going on you will be drink water. You won't even have to pee Okay, if I don't have to be sweating it out so bad if we don't be I don't know I can say I'll take somebody With me to show look he's actually peeing. Or you could just hold it in.

Just hold it. You couldn't hold it for an hour and a half? What if your life depended on you holding your piss for an hour and a half? Do tell them how to go three times in an hour and a half. I'm a Jew, man. We pee. Can the three of us get together? Hold on. I'm a Jew, we pee. We Jews have small bladders.

That's a thing Jews have small bladders is that a new stereotype no that is it's not a stereotype it's just a fictional thing oh my god

I'm a Jew we pee I'm just saying I'll try not to pee but like come on guys if I really have to pee what are you gonna do at least you have confidence in yourself I'm not gonna piss on my pants

I'll tell you what there's not a chance in the world that there's a way that I could have to pee so bad that I couldn't hold it in for an hour and a half. I'll tell you what. If I pee before a podcast... I piss my pants at Batman. The first Batman, I piss my pants in the theater.

That's interesting. I'm saying I... Will you vow to pee before every class? I'll vow to pee before every class. And then listen, if you have to get up and pee... But I'll have to drink a lot of water, too. I'm going to drink a lot beforehand. The odds of me not having to pee, now that I think about it, are crazy. Do they have, like, after the first five classes no more peeing there you go

anything to be okay that's fair you gotta find me a safe class where I can piss in the class if you find me a safe class leave our husband while I'm here if you gave me safety a safe space where I can piss in public my god and not to fucking deal with one okay no as, no asparagus, motherfucker. I'll try. Can we please all get together to pick the car for him and set up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we set up being there while it's delivered?

Oh, what it must be like to have no taste. Film that. Yellow Corvette. You can just do anything you want, can't you? No taste. Get the new ones. Get the new ones. The new ones are beautiful.

Okay, well, if you could pick a car that you could drive, like if all of a sudden money became free, like what kind of car would you drive around in? Like a new Camry. Like a new Camry. What? Why would you do that? Just a nice car.

I don't want something gaudy. Is that the car you want to wear? Maybe a 4Runner. Nail urinal? Oh, you pee into that bag? You can pee in your thing, in your bag. Oh, you piss in that thing, and it fills up that bag that's on your leg.

What if Joe buys you $30? We're good. You get a double for fast. The solution has been reached. And now pick up his car that we're going to be buying. So what kind of car, man? Yellow. Just a regular car.

Just a regular car. I don't want something gaudy. I don't like it. No, you don't need gaudy. What about like a BMW? How about a 4Runner? Okay. Oh, someone's got a 4Runner? Okay. Oh, someone's a Viking.

A Toyota 4Runner? It's a simple car. It's nice and off. Can we compromise? Can we compromise? Do you know what a good 4Runner is? A Hummer? If he wants to go to Joshua Tree or something, they don't make him anymore.

Yeah, I can take it with me. Yeah, they're really good off-road cars. And Toyotas are bulletproof. Yeah, they're badass. Those are great. Okay. And I can take a day off if it's a really nice night where I can go out there. Wait, for drinking? Yeah, with the truck. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure. Okay. And I can take a day off if it's like a really nice night where I can go out there. Wait for drinks?

Yeah, with the truck. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure. Okay. Can we look at some other vehicles? But come on. Look what we're doing here.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Yellow. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. The point was that I wouldn't have to fucking. But that shit's not saucy enough, man. That's the talker.

That's the cruiser. Go back down. The talker. Go back down. The talker truck. Wait, JoJo. So can we get it wrapped? Yeah, can we get it wrapped? It says birth, October, October, hot weather. Get it wrapped.

It all legit. Maybe we should get it wrapped. Maybe we should get it wrapped with that. What was that one eat mushrooms T-shirt that you came out with? The crazy cartoon face. Eat mushrooms. Listen, I don't want that either. You have that crazy cartoon face?

I'd have more of an issue saying no to that. I see the value in that. What about I do this? What about I do this? What about like Holocaust research is on the rack? No. Like all around? No, no, no.

That's rude. What about I rent you a car and I put that all over the car? Is that okay? No, not myself. Sober October I can handle. No, how about yourself? How about you? That's pretty great. On the hood? Right there? Let's go with that one. No, no, no. How about this?

I don't have glasses anymore. No name. How about no name? Turn to your left. Look to your left real quick. How about no name? We don't use your name. We just use that image. Only that image on the hood. It's not what I look like anymore.

What about... It doesn't have to be what you look like. It's still you. Burt Reynolds poses sideways naked on each side of the car. No. That's not dangerous enough. Ooh, how about that one? No.

Ooh, that's the one. That's on your hood. Without the Ari the Great. Without the Ari. Without the Ari the Great. Where That's Ari without the are the great Where's oh? Yeah, oh yeah, that's great. That's great one big one on each side I'll be perfect or just one on the how about one on the roof of the car the roof

Yeah, the hood like a firebird a Thunderbird do that way and then branding on the side Oh, are you sure you're calm? How about yeah? Have like booking info about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How about we, instead of, instead of, how about instead of a Corvette, we get you one of these new Camaro ZL1s. That's a badass car. With that paint on the front?

Yes. Yep. What's a Camaro ZL1? What's a Camaro ZL1? Camaro ZL1 is one of the stupidest fucking cars that Americans have ever made. It's amazing. This thing is, it's so preposterous. They just did this like insane record Nürburgring title or time in this thing.

And I didn't take that on Pico. It's a fucking. 650 horsepower. American beast of a vehicle. I am, they're letting me borrow one of these. I'm going to get a six-speed one of these fucking things. For your prom? Yeah, man, for my prom.

They're letting me borrow it so I can talk about it. They're just coming out. It's like a press car, so we're going to review it. I'm going to review it on a podcast. That's an awesome car, man. Dude, that thing is a monster. You get that fucking thing, that picture on the front? Right on that hood scoop.

We put that picture on that hood scoop. With branding on the side doors. What do you say? Branding on the side doors Right on that hood scoop. We put that picture on that hood scoop. With branding on the side doors. What do you say? Branding on the side doors. That's so embarrassing. Are you down with this? Please say yes. I'll lease one of these. I swear to God I will. I mean, I don't care for it. But I see the comedic value in it. I see the comedic value in it.

If you drive it and you realize it's a goddamn 2017 spaceship. Wow. That thing goes 0- 60 in like three seconds. I think it's too cool. And to bring it down a notch on the back, on the tail of the car, it has to say, I'm a comedian. Exclamation point.

Oh, come on. Look at that image right there. Come on. That's horrible. That's horrible. That's what I want it to be. Look at that image. I'm dying yoga.

Come on. Look at that image and look at that hood scoop. And picture that. Look at that hood scoop. Hood scoop. That thing on the hood. That thing in front. How are you going to die in yoga. Come on. Look at that image and look at that hood scoop. And picture that hood scoop. That thing on the hood. That thing in front. How are you going to get painted on that? That's going to be where the fucking sticker gets put down. Yeah, that's where the wrap gets put down.

I like this. Sign off, Ari. Dude, sign off. Sign off. Sign off. It says I'm a funny guy. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?

American men, hot-blooded American males are are furious that you're even balking? Okay, you gotta let me pee. I'll do that if you let me fucking pee. Go pee. Go pee. Go pee. No, not now. Not now. I'm saying this in this fucking hot yoga class. You have to pee again, don't you? Done. Of course I do. I had to 15 minutes ago. Go pee. Go pee.

I will greenlight you peeing in yoga class. Greenlight pee. Go pee. Deciding vote? Go pee. We're gonna hang out. We're gonna figure this out. You discuss whether I can fucking pee. I should be able to pee. That's ridiculous. I can't believe he's concerned about this. You think about this while you're out there.

I don't think we got as far as I thought we were going to. Fuck. I know shit. Right? I mean, we're four and a half hours into this motherfucker. We barely have a handle on how the fuck this is going to go down. I heard handle and thought about Tito's. That's the ZL1.

See, pull up 2017 Camaro ZL1 Nürburgring time. I think they just got some insane Nürburgring time. I think it was faster than the Corvette Z06. That's a crazy car, man. America's doing some nutty shit now, man. They're developing these vehicles. They're just off the charts fast. No, the ZL1 is the most exciting new American car in years right now.

Yeah, for sure. It's a beast. And it's an affordable car comparatively, compared to the kind of performance that the other cars like it. Seven minutes and 23 seconds in the Nurburgring. That's faster than a 911 GT2 RS that's just under a McLaren F1, which is like, how much is that? Like a million bucks? More than a million bucks? More than a million.

And just under the C6 Corvette Z06 and the Dodge Viper ACR. So it's like one second, one second point seven under the Dodge Viper. And the ZR1 is like 719. Is it so fast? It's a crazy, crazy fast car is the point. I mean, the difference between like one second here or there, it's just a lot of that times it's like understanding the course, course conditions, driver error. I mean, you're talking about like really close margins.

So it's a super car, an absolute super car. It's impressive. And I never got into cars, but I think that's like... It's so much fun. I'll drive that. I don't want to drive that. But I'll probably drive it on the open road. And if I die, it's on your heads... It's so much fun. I'll drive that. I do not want to drive that. But I'll probably drive it on the open road, and if I die, it's on your heads. So you're on it.

You're on that. Do you feel like you couldn't control yourself? You gotta let me pee. You just pee, bro. If I'm drinking a bunch of water beforehand and during, it's like you're just telling me I'm gonna lose. The tail of the car has to say, got jokes. But as a compromise.

I can compromise off, I'm a funny guy or I'm a comedian. Funny guy. Funny guy. Funny guy. But this big. A top. How funny guy or comedian. I'm a comedian. Funny guy. Funny guy. Funny guy. But this big. A top. How about do you think I'm funny? No way.

Plus your website. Yes. No. No. No? Okay. How about need a laugh? Need a laugh and then your phone number.

Suck dick for chuckles. Yeah, that's good. Let's do that. We got through a lot on this podcast. I'm super glad we did it. Okay, so then we choose the decathlon. It's three events, three events. The winner gets four.

What is going to be the decathlon? Like physical events? Yeah. Like runs? To find out if anyone is really in fitness. So if everyone completes it. You're so not. You sound like a psychopath.

It's so funny that you're talking like this. Your certainty is so hilarious. That looks like a three chin up arm. Your arm's like my mom after Jazzercise. I love your level of delusion though. It's not delusion, man. It's really great. Okay, what's the reality like?

What color is the sky? How fast are you in reality? It's been yellow this week. You're like the hardest core Trump fan who's like, we're still doing a great job. No problems at all. Are you in great shape? I'm not in great shape apparently. What happened?

Well, I didn't... Well, you can do three chin-ups. I remember saying to you one time, I said something about being famous. You go, bro, you're not famous. And I was like, no, I definitely am. And you're like, no, I said something about being famous. You go, bro, you're not famous. And I was like, no, I definitely am. And you're like, no, I'm not famous. You're definitely not famous. Wait, you're talking to me?

I was talking to Joe, Joe, Joe. And I was like, oh, that was good. It was good leveler of what fame was. So I was like, you get recognized a couple of times, like a day or a day. If you get recognized at all in a week, you're like, oh, that's crazy. Uh, i think the fitness thing i think if i don't drink i feel like i feel much better i feel like we went back in time you're doing another game of thrones thing jesus christ break down that pilot son tell us about the second episode now

Tell us about the second episode now Well once the three eyed raven Took over the boy's body His eyes rolled back deep into his head And Hodor protects him So painful Nefarious beings You guys are assholes In your face buddy

Oh yeah Okay If everyone does the 30-day challenge, then we do a... Decathlon. Winner of that. Why do you want to do a physical contest? I don't care.

You pick it. How about the fucking parties after the 30 days? Parties after the 30 days. And if we all do it, then what? I don't know. We'll travel. Yeah, we shouldn't make this too complicated because we always keep doing them

after Ari realizes that LA is way better than New York and decides it out. Yeah, we shouldn't make this too complicated because we always keep doing them after Ari realizes that LA is way better than New York and decides to stay. Stay, bitch. Deep into November. And you're making it leave the best month in New York. The best. Oh, my God. The bagels.

They're unstoppable. How about, and no. The hot dogs are ripe. The bagels. You go, and no, I'm not kidding on the back of your car. That's what it's going to say. No, I'm not kidding. Yeah.

Just, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. But then like five exclamation points. Okay, I'll take that. I'll take that. I'm not kidding. the back of your car. That's what it's going to say. No, I'm not kidding. Yeah. Just, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. But then like five exclamation points. Okay, I'll take that. I'll take that. I'm not kidding. I'll take that. That's awful, but I'll take that.

I like it. I like it. Can you believe that shit? Okay. I'm not kidding. I like it. I'm not kidding. Big party.

Big party at the end. Wait, wait, wait. But as soon as we leave- Anyone who taps out has to pay for it. We gotta get out of here, man. We're leaving a couple days before- Look at that fucking car oh my god

oh my god they did it just leave it just like that that's perfect hold up aesthetically that gave me a hard on the side should also be

shut your fucking mouth that's a perfect car one of the colors of the the white blue shut it it looks awesome dude it looks great red and pink

that's not pink it's beautiful it's white with pink it's not pink. It's beautiful. It's white with pink. It's not all pink. It's blue with pink. I mean, honestly, I think it should be bright blue or pink or white. How about we give you a full pink wrap and then that's the cover?

No, that's too much. The bright blue. I'll do the bright blue. I like the full pink. No, good call. You wanted to talk some shit about pink. You better be bought. That's intentional. How about we get you a hot pink Camaro for a month?

What? Hot pink Camaro. No, no, no. Come on. Someone's already done that. I'm hacking the fucking way. We should bring up the Amazing Races stuff on the car. No way.

Not today. You should point to a website where people can go and enjoy your previous work. Type in Amazing Races on the website. You know no one's going to Google it. We're at a different age now. It says, I'm the Amazing Racist. How about it's a hot pink Camaro and the back says, I'm not Angeline. It's Angeline.

No way, I'm not doing that. In the car is a wig helmet. Black or white as the wrap. Or we can go red after that. I just think it doesn't go as well. No way, I can't do that. Perfect. No way, I can't do that. Perfect. No way.

I can't do that. Dude, I won't get laid for a fucking month. You will, though. No. No. I bet you get laid more. Ari, I won't either. How about you start wearing an artificial fur coat and just go deep?

How about those yellow glasses that Hunter S. Thompson used to wear all the time? Like aviators with yellow lenses? I love it. How about that? You can do that. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying. Let's go deep, Ari.

Let's take this to the next level. How about you wear like a little fur on your neck? You have to wear a wardrobe to every yoga class. I don't even want to come here. I can't wait for yoga. I can't wait for yoga pants. Yoga's going to be fucking hard to watch Ari. You have to wear yoga pants.

Yoga pants. Oh, I'm definitely wearing yoga pants. Press your cock right up against the side of your legs. Everybody can see. Like, Jesus, Ari. Oh, yeah. I'll take fucking pills beforehand would you? That might actually help your performance

Performing enhancing drug yeah some sort of performance. Yeah, it does. It's like it works To enhance your performance certain athletic events and certain events Like I feel like I said that but somebody told me it was wrong and I forgot. Make sure that that's true. Like, is Viagra banned in the Olympics? I think I might have said it is. Is it really? I think I might have said it is.

No, John Jones didn't bring Viagra. He took fucking 7-Eleven ones. No, it was different. It was that Oklahoma fiend and a bunch of other shit in it. I don't think that's true. I think actually Jeff Nowitzki, the USADA guy, might have explained it to me that it's not true. So the stakes. The stakes, Joe.

What are the stakes for doing it or not doing it? Hold on, guys. Let Jamie explain. Viagra is not currently listed as a banned drug. In USADA? In sports. I don't know about USADA. Sports.

Okay. I'm wrong. So if everyone does it, if we do it, if we don't do it, what are the stakes here? What's going on here? Everyone who doesn't complete the whole challenge has to throw like what's what do we do five grand five grand hold on not not everyone's making no no no money money i thought we're throwing a party yeah throw a party yeah yeah well someone's got to pay for it yeah obviously the person doing it pay for it but like make it nice it's not about the money it's about what you decide to do with it okay you're gonna have

linens and a fucking DJ? Or are you just trying to have a good party? Are you going to have a party that would be super annoying to go to? No. I don't want that. I don't want that. I want to make it fun for everybody else. Okay, what kind of party would that be?

I want Bill Burr there. I want Stan Hope there. That's up to them. Yeah, you can fucking make Bill Burr come to a party. We can't make that a part of the bet. They'll come. All right, you can invite them if you want. It's your party.

Bill's not going to come. Bill would go in a fucking heartbeat. He's them if you want. It's your party. Bill's not going to go. Bill would go in a fucking heartbeat. He's got a kid, man. He's busy. He's got a young baby. Bill would go. Doug would go. He has told me, and I quote, I do not like Bert Kreischer.

I'm quote. You're fucking, you know what? You're such a liar sometimes. That's crazy. I love that. This podcast took a dark turn. We got to go, dude. It's eight hours into this, bitch.

Okay, okay. Okay, so October. So note the cap. I'm not doing any sort of events. Straight sober through October. gotta go, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's eight hours into this, bitch. Okay, okay. Okay, so October. So note the cap. We're not doing any sort of events. Straight sober through October. Sober through October. Yeah. You have to wear a bracelet.

15 days of hot yoga. 15 days of hot yoga. I'll wear a bracelet. We'll figure out this party thing. We should throw a really cool party that we'd want to be at. Yeah. Have some class. If there's somebody that does clearly win, there's obviously some spin that it's...

It's me. You're going to win? 100%. How's that going to happen? Oh, 98%. How's that going to happen? You'll see. Well, what are you going to win?

You're going to be the only one that does it? Well, how would you win if we all do it? I think Ari's going to tap out with the yoga. Probably true. But this is the thing. This is the thing. Just the thought process that would allow you to jump ahead and say, me, I'm going to win.

We don't even know what winning is. That's why this is so ridiculous. Like, if winning, if we both do it, how are you going to beat me? How are you beating me? I think that- You think you're going to, right? So tell me how. We both do it.

How do you win? I'm a Mickey Mantle guy. Does it make any sense? I'm Mickey Mantle. That's adorable. I can't go into this going, I can't go into this going, I'm going to fail. No, but what if we all fail? That was the option.

Why would you say that you're going to win, and how could you win? Why would you be so quick to jump to the idea that you would win without even carefully considering what the other options would be? I believe in winning. I believe in winning. Wow, bro. You're like American. You should be a bald eagle.

I'm a little competitive, and once this challenge starts, dude, I'm fucking committed. You should be a kid rock tattoo. Let me tell you, I will not lose. I will not lose. Wow, that's amazing. Did he say that before? Yes. What happened? He lost. Weird. 0 for 1. We should believe him.

This doesn't make any sense. I'm so confused. I mean, I hear what he's saying and I want to just believe him. What's wrong? I mean, you tell me. Am I gullible? Am I gullible? I don't know. Go run 20 miles.

Hey, man, I feel like he could do a marathon easy. Easy, bro. I feel like he's in great shape. You know what? I go one step further. I think you did a marathon while we were on. Yeah, and I feel like he's quit drinking for many, many days numerous times. Last time on Friday.

Last time on Friday. And I feel like other alcohol is gonna be fuck you Segura and Rogan and Shafir you fucking assholes are ganging up on your friend when he needs you most what he needs you to do is validate all of his exaggerations bullshit stories hyperbole what if we all do it what if we all do it what if we all do it what are the stakes if we all do it? What if we all do it? What if we all do it? What are the stakes if we all do it? Don't we split a party? Or if none of us do it?

We can continue that part. Whoever does it longest, I guess. It should be a trip. It should be a trip. Okay. It should be a trip because that's what

we did last time. I think the party, though, is like, it's different and it has to do with, I mean, it's at the end of the story.

A party's nice. A party's real nice. It is. Invite all our friends, take a night off comedy. That's fun, man. Just do a real party, have an open bar.

Have music. We picked a guest list. That sounds good. Have music. Have music, yeah. Just a fun party man. Just do a real party, have an open bar. Have music. We pick the guest list. Have music. Yeah, just a fun party. Get a cool band that wants to play for us. That sounds fun. Cigars, joints, alcohol. Beautiful. Good time. So we're all agreed. The entire month of October. It's on. It's on.

Sober October. 15 hot yogas. Sober October. You can pee twice. No, no, no. I pee when I have to pee. I'll come right back in. You have two pee sessions for the whole month. No, no, no. 15 days. You're making me lose. I will pee.

I will try not to pee. Don't piss yourself. I will run out, pee, and come right back in. Or provide me a safe scenario where I can pee in the room. Ew. We'll figure it out, Ari. Behind a curtain. So hot yoga, no booze, Sober October is our website.

We've got it. Sober Bert-tober. No, sober. Don't get me wrong. Sober October. You lost it?'ve got it Sober Bert Berttober No Sober Don't get me wrong October I lost it You lost it? Somebody grabbed it

While we were doing it? I was trying to check out And someone got it On another website Hey can you just Send that to us please What? These cunts

You could solicit it How dare you folks No I'm not paying them for that Fuck them No they're not They'll give it to us They'll give it to us They might not

I want it It might be some Person who's like Industrious Oh what a dick. No, no, no, no, no, no. They knew we were buying it. Think the good side. Obviously, if you listen

to the podcast, you know that don't be a cunt. Why would they buy it if they knew? To make sure that no one else got it. Maybe they didn't realize and they'd be like, oh, yeah, my bad, my bad. Here, take a bite. Give me the $12 for it. It doesn't. We don't need to do it. We can do it all through social media. We can do it in another place if we have it. We can do it all through social media. We can do it in another place if we have to. We will document it all through social media.

Okay. We'll do 15 days of hot yoga, 30 days of sobriety. Go to drunkfatbert.com and see if- Don't say it out loud. Just buy it next time, Tom. Drunkfatbert.com. Stop. Stop.

Stop. That's not the fucking website. Jamie, go to two fingers. Go to two fingers. Type quickly. There you go. It's not. That's not the website.

Drunkfatbert. Go to two fingers. Type quickly. There you go. It's not the website. What is it? FatBird.com. Fucking. Bird is fat. DrunkFatBird.org. Get that too. Snook says Bird is fat.org. In case we need to start a fund. DrunkFatBird.org.

Please say it's not already bought. DrunkFatBird. DrunkFatBird.net. But the org would be way better. DrunkFatBird.org would be the best one. DrunkFatBird.tv if we get option for a series. DrunkFatBird would be the best one Drunkfatbert.tv if we get optioned for a series Drunkfatbert.us To show patriotism And to show that he could be

A kid rock tattoo Drunkfatbert. ISIS if you just want to Combat terrorism from within With a little Yoga contest Oh shit What's going on, Jamie?

Good goddamn podcast. Can we say dates? Fuck yeah, dude. Say it away. Okay. I'll be in Los Angeles September 13th doing a storytelling show

in the main room of the Comedy Store. Good God. I'm not going to tell you the lineup. It's going to be great. And then tickets go on sale on Friday.

New whatever pre-sale on Wednesday for Boston, Providence. What are you doing in Boston? Doing the Wilbur for the first time. That's all in January. And I got a storytelling show in Denver at the Comedy Works, also in January. Also on sale now.

The whole tour will be out soon. Wilbur's on my short list for filming my new Netflix special. Really? Wish I said Netflix clearer. Netflix. new Netflix special. Really? Wish I said Netflix clearer. Netflix. My Netflix special. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, the Wilbur is on drunkfatbird.com. Do we have it? Do we have it? We have it. We got it. Woo! Drunkfatbird.com. We got it.

Wow. We're going to build that shit out. Here's a short list for where to do my Netflix special. It's going to be, my short list is Austin at Cap City Comedy Club, Boston, the Wilbur, and I'm thinking a couple other places,

a couple other small places. Those are the two places. I'm leaning more towards Comedy Club, but the Wilbur is like three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other. The Wilbur is like

very deep, or very shallow rather. It's only 300 seats. It's like three floors of 300 seats each. Yeah, it's great. You've never done it? I've done it. Shit. No, I've three floors of 300 seats each. Yeah, it's great. You've never done it? I've done it.

Shit. No, I've done it with Rogan before. Oh, it's fucked, dude. When are you doing the Wilbur? In January. I might go with you. I might go with you just to see what it's like to watch a set there. Whoa.

Feel it again. Because I have to make a decision. Somewhere around January is when I wanted to make the decision of where I want to be. I will say, if you do it at a club, keep me in mind. Okay. I'm doing my special at the Trocadero. Trocadero.

In Philadelphia. Oh, the Trocadero Theater. That place is awesome. It's got a lot of, like, Tom and I had a great conversation when you did the Troc. Yeah.

People said Tom couldn't sell a ticket, and then he sold, what, six? No, I did. I think four or five, something like that. I think five shows at the Troc. Philly's an epic comedy city. It's fucking amazing. It's an epic comedy city, too.

You did five shows at the Troc? I think it was four or five. I don't remember. It was five. Trust me. I know your stories better than you do. Wow. It's impressive, man.

They have helium. It's one of the best clubs in the country. That's a great club. That's another spot. I'm thinking of going there now. That's another spot where you could do a special. Do. They have helium. It's one of the best clubs in the country. That's a great club. That's another spot. I'm thinking of going there now. That's another spot where you could do a special. Do a special at helium. That could be real.

Helium's hard with... I'm doing the Paramount in a couple weeks. The cameras, the amount of seats you have to lose in such a tight space. Do you, though? I've thought about it. With today, with what they can do today with cameras, if you could really put a lot of small cameras up on the wall, mount them on the wall, get all your footage,

and then decide what you pick. And the only reason why you would move from the center shot is if someone gets in front of it. And then you have to really strongly... Yeah, this is my real... If budget is not a problem, you could spend, let's say, $400,000 or $500,000. What? No, hold on, hold on. I'm just going to say it out loud.

Let me be honest. This is my feeling on stand-up on television now as it stands. I feel like when you're watching someone in the audience, you're sitting there and you're watching them, you're seeing them from the waist up, right? Or close to it. At the store, something like that, which is like perfect environment. At the Ice House, same deal. Perfect environment.

That's how you should watch it at home. You should watch it flat on with no edits. The only time I think you should ever show side to side is if you have to edit something or if someone's doing something that's odd. I think it's a little boring. Does it? I think it gets a little boring when I watch stand-up. Doesn't get boring when I watch stand-up.

No, but here's what you do when you watch stand-up. Your eye automatically on its own shifts back and forth. You get to choose what you're seeing. You look over the piano guy. You're not looking straight on at the stage the whole time. As long as what they're saying is funny and it's good and they're locked into it, I think it's the best way to do it.

I don't think that's the best way to do it because you're conscious of the fact they're changing angles. Why does that enhance the bit? I don't think it does. I think we're thought that it does because they do that with everything else, like music videos, rock and roll concerts, anything that people do, they go at it from different angles because it sort of stimulates your mind.

But I don't think, if you went to see a stand-up comic, you go see Joey Diaz in the OR, you're watching him head-on, and it's perfect. Sometimes you're looking at his waist. Sometimes you're looking at his belly. You can do that while you're watching.

You can do that when you're watching him from the waist up. You can do that if you're watching him from where the head of the crowd is to him. What are you arguing that you should have? I think you should have different angles. Someone wants different angles. I'm listening to you. I'm hearing you.

I just paid for this myself. You can do whatever you want. I can tell you, from me going, like, I've been on TV for a while and I know what I'm doing, I still got a plethora of cameras including a jib. Even for something that I'm... You should get something that flies around like a drone.

I was in the comedy works. I couldn't do it. Get a drone, bro. Easy. You need a drone pilot, but you're good. I'm super serious. No. Super serious.

You should get a drone. Super serious. Super serious. Fuck off, you guys. I'll be quiet drone in oh Tommy's

shooting a special in Denver shooting a special in Denver yeah yeah this fucking guy two nights before the Fox Theater

in Oakland and then I go to the Toronto the Sony Center at the end of the month I have a bunch of dates up go to

tomsegura.com oh shit there's only tickets available for Tom's late show in denver there are just a few and i know that because i was just in denver oh okay and i was saying at every show because i got nothing but love in my heart i got thank you denver might be the best place to do comedy in the world it's awesome might be it's right up there there's a certain there's like they're in the mountains,

they're kind of freaks, they're survivals of the people that travel from the old west and there's a bunch of people that move there because weed's legal. Yeah. And the money's flowing like water. It's cool there, man.

It's a weird spot. It's a weird spot. I'm doing the Belco. I think I'm there in November or something like that. That Belco theater, that's awesome too. Denver's the shit, man.

Did I say dates? You did not. Singapore, September 9th. that's awesome too Denver's the shit did I say dates you did not Singapore September 9th still have a solid half of a room to move in Singapore

don't worry it's a walk up market yeah yeah I hear that a lot how many people live in Singapore that are English speaking probably all of them

oh yeah they all speak English in Singapore that's it that's all his dates so I will no no no

that's it on the 11th Sydney on the 13th Melbourne on the 14th Sydney again That's it. That's all his dates. So... That's it. On the 11th, Sydney on the 13th, Melbourne on the 14th, Sydney again on the 16th, and Brisbane on the 19th. I like how you said Brisbane. I like it from there. Melbourne. Brisbane, Melbourne.

Alright, fuckers. Jesus, this was crazy. What a goddamn podcast. October, no booze, lots of yoga. Yeah. DrunkFatBurt.com DrunkFatBurt.com We get Squarespace to hook that up.

Good night, everybody. All right. See you soon. AriTheGreat.com This is going to be a good one. This is going to be fucking suck dick. I wonder if you're going to be able to do it.