The Joe Rogan Experience - #101 - Adam Carolla (Part 1)

Episode Date: April 26, 2011

Joe sits down with Adam Carolla.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Black guy again, man. What the fuck? Keep doing that fake black guy on me, man. That's not cool. Ladies and gentlemen, the godfather of the podcast is here. The man who started it all. The man who, without him, I probably might not have

done this fucking thing. I might not have been so enthusiastic about doing it, but doing his was so much fun, and he was so smart to jump right into that right after his radio station. Adam Carolla, ladies and gentlemen. Great to be here. Great to have you, buddy. It's for real, man. If it wasn't for you, and doing

your podcast, and realizing how you had it so... I mean, now you got it really professional like the last time i was there i was like holy shit it's like stacks of compressors and all this you know and monitors and people hitting video switches and everything i mean you got it like a it's it's a goddamn studio you know uh everyone is at that studio still making fun of me because joe did the podcast a couple of weeks ago and Joe took a tour around the back part of the warehouse and we're up at the front part where the studio is and then Joe came back and he said to me man you got all these compressors and I said really you haven't seen shit yet buddy and I said follow me and we walked to a closet and i opened it up and i turned the turn the light on and there was

a 40 gallon air compressor there and i said that's the granddaddy of them all and he went no i didn't mean air compressors and i was like what other kind of compressor would you be talking about he doesn't even know my my buddy uh started laughing at me and now I'm ridiculed soundly. I stand by my compressor means a compressor to me. You were correct, and that is the original use of compressor, and especially considering that you have an auto garage. That's a rare situation. It was a good-looking compressor I showed you, to be sure, right? Well, listen, I'm as into gadgets as the next fellow,

and I'm very impressed by that large compressor. I mean, that was something you'd expect to see at a gas station a gas station thank you very nice even though now they charge you a fucking quarter 75 cents up the street or whatever i i mean just the whole idea i would love to you know they do that stuff where they go if our founding fathers could see this fuck founding fathers let me get a couple guys from the 50s yeah and just drag them in and go they make you pay for air i should blacken their eye you know what i mean i mean like a guy in the bow tie and it's like oh you know just just take a guy from the 50s and show him a gas station serve yourself uh you clean your own windshield uh you need to pay in advance. That'd be another thing. But they don't trust you. Air, they'll charge for.

I prefer the option to pump my own gas. That's one thing that creeps me out about, like, I think Oregon has it. I know New Jersey has it. Or they don't let you. They don't let you pump your gas. Is that real? Yeah, for real. They don't allow you to.

That is a weird one, isn't it? Very strange. I have done some, I don't know if we were talking about this before, but I was thinking about this sort of gas station. Like I tell people, you know, you can decide where to live. A lot of people base that on like, well, how are the school systems or how, you know, what's going on with the economy or the roads or something. But I say you can base's going on with the economy or the roads or something but i i say you can base your neighborhood on the gas station because there's sort of three levels there are the ones like the ones in my neighborhood where you swipe your credit card and then you have to punch

in your zip code right because of credit card fraud Then there's the slightly nicer neighborhood where you just swipe your credit card, but you don't have to punch in your zip code. And then there's the greatest neighborhoods of all where you just pump your gas, and when you're done, you pay somebody. But they don't need cash up front. I mean, when you travel and you get outside of L.A. and you realize, oh, there's just some guy

who's going to let you pump your gas and then you can pay him. Not everyone's fucking Bonnie and Clyde. All of us are going to jump off, sliding across our hoods, laughing and peeling out. That means you're in a good goddamn neighborhood if they trust you. That's absolutely true. I got credit card frauded. Me too. I got it the other day.

Just a week or so ago. I'm super paranoid now. I'm always at the gas station like trying to pull off the scanner to make sure it's real. Do you know how they do it? Those scanners, when you scan your card at the gas station, they put a scanner over that. So as you're scanning, they're getting your numbers as well. And they also have a little camera that looks like an advertisement for a credit card. There's a lot of applications that has a little camera in there that an advertisement for a credit card application.

It has a little camera in it that reads you typing in your number. So as you type in your area code or your zip code... You got to do that weird back hunch thing. Yeah, you got to put your hand like this. Like you're eating food in prison. I wonder if there's going to be some sort of syndrome that

doctors are going to run into and of syndrome that doctors are going to run into and chiropractors are going to run into called block ATM back, where in the next hundred years, our kids are going to have weird scoliated spines from doing that weird shoulder hunch, punching it. It's really you get it from it's sort of what carpal tunnel tunnel is. The guys who work keyboard jobs all day. This is a weird back hunch to all the people that go to the ATM three times a week and dial in their zip code when they're at the gas station, do the cell phone thing where they're like texting. It's going to be a weird, because it is just weird.

Oh, this is heavy. This may be the weed talking, but we may be dig this just dig this we may be getting taller as a species but we're evening it out by hunching over all the time and rolling our shoulders and protecting whatever serial codes we're punching it's it's weird to me that we still sign things yeah that freaks me out when i scribble something on a piece of paper that makes it valid right like what the really is that that's the dumbest thing we've talked about that how like That freaks me out when I scribble something on a piece of paper that makes it valid. Right. Really? Is that for real anymore? That's the dumbest thing.

We've talked about that. I just type in Brad Pitt or I type in Tom Selleck because it doesn't matter. You write it, yeah. I used to be kind of meticulous about my autograph. I used to write my name out. I should say my signature. Right. But if I autograph something, I'm much more particular than if I sign something.

If I sign something, I'm just writing some fucking motion. You can't tell me that's not right. I'm changing it.'s your mark and you know you you do shows you stay afterward you sign a bunch of shit right I'm sure yeah yeah yeah I do the same thing and it's just it becomes your mark yeah and and I realized it doesn't have to read I always tell people this like if people aren't if you were going to go out and get a fake autograph, it would be Brad Pitt's autograph. It would be Adam Gould's. It wouldn't be me, would it?

So, I mean, who's going to question it? Well, I've seen fake ones of mine sold online. Oh, you have? Yeah, a bunch of them from News Radio, autographed memorabilia. Oh, really? There's fake everyone. Everyone's name is fake on it. I like those guys who once in a while when you fly into JFK, there'll be some fat guy in cargo shorts who's sweating profusely.

He's waiting for you, and he's like, big fan, big fan, big fan. As he's saying big fan, he just keeps swiping. He does 119 pictures of Mia's death on the family. I said, big fan, big fan, big fan. Really? I mean, I got the big part. Definitely the 322 pounds. Do you sign all those, though?

I usually, I'll tell you what happened. I ran into the same dude on the way out as I did on the way in, and I signed about 20 of them on the way out. And then when I was coming in at like 6 a.m., he was waiting for me again. And I was like, all right, I'll give you 10 this time. That's nice of you. You know, I don't know why but a i feel sorry for these guys right i mean come on yeah when's the last time they got a good blow job number one number two all right so that's their job like they get up at five they drive down to jfk they

pay 20 bucks for parking and they wait for adam carolla to come walking up terminal whatever i look at his fuck it it. It's their job. I don't really give a shit. How much money can you make off of the signature? You make pretty decent money. It definitely depends, but I think I saw your ship going for like $25. I know it was just some cheap. $25?

Something like that. I always suspect they just hope on the off chance the plane will crash, then they'll have a stack of the last shit you ever signed. I couldn't see them making much much after that yeah that could work very clever yeah i used to actually uh do that um like when i was a kid i would like i was a huge steve martin fan so i actually wanted his autograph so i would like always go to those uh movie shops where they have like the signed autographs and and the memorabilia and stuff like that.

And always looking for a Steve Martin. Never got one. And then I found out that he doesn't give autographs. He gives out a little business card. And it just says, this is business card. It says that you have met Steve Martin or something like that. And he just carries a pocket of them. I like it when guys are clever, but not that clever.

It's bordering on cute. I, I, one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was me sitting next to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Actually, I had two wildly uncomfortable moments that involved Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. One is he just sat down on my radio show and I was like, you know, you never see any, any guys in their seventies that are, you know, you never see any guys in their 70s that are, you know, over 6'7 or 6'8. And I mean, you know, I'm not trying to bring you down literally, but is there some syndrome? Or have you talked to somebody? Or how does it work? Because you just don't see seven-footers that are 80 years old, but yet you seem like you're in perfect health.

And I don't know how it works. And is there something that I'm not aware of? he's like what are you talking about and I was like you know how you don't see a lot of old guys they're like over six five they seem to go a little earlier in life as a matter of fact the little short Jewish guys the ones that go on forever is there some a connection correlation between the height and the short longevity and he was like i never thought about it and i was like oh shit really and he was like yeah now i am this kind of comfortable like i was like but no but i can't be the first guy to bring this up so he uh he did that to me and then we're this like dodger all-star game or something, celebrity game. And we're sitting next to each other waiting for the real Dodger game to end.

And like, you know, the Tommy was sort of, you know, dug out eating hot wings or something like that's up on the Loge level. And some kid came by and said, could you sign my baseball? And I signed his baseball. And then he handed it to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And he said, could you sign my baseball? And he handed it to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and he said could you sign my baseball and he's like um no and and the kid was like really because it just take a second he's like I I'm not I'm not doing that right now and I'm sitting like right next to him and and the kid comes back for a third like round he's like you know just real quick and he's like no I'm sorry wow and I'm like just fucking sign it just sign it. Just sign it. And then he walks away.

And then his mom shows up like 10 minutes later. And she's like, I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar. But the ball for my son, he's such a huge fan. Do you think you could just take a moment? He's like, sorry, no. And she's like, just a moment. And she's like, no, thank you. And I'm just like, I'm sitting next to him

wanting to crawl out of my urethra and just go under the carpet. You know that thing? Having to pretend like, you know that body language that says I'm not listening? Like we can all know the fake body language. I am listening. But I'm trying to discover the I'm not really listening.

You start leaning a little. Uh-huh. But I'm trying to discover the I'm not really listening. You start leaning a little. And oh, God. And she really asked like three or four times. She's like, sorry, no. And she's like, really? Because we could have signed it in this time it took. No, I'm sorry. No.

She's like, please. I want to go. I'll fucking sign it. I'll eat your pussy. Whatever. Please. Please go away. Take your son somewhere. What'll eat your pussy. Whatever. Please. Please go away.

Take your son somewhere. What a douchebag he is. Yeah. I guess. He was, right? He's dead, right? No. Is he dead? No, he's around.

Is he not dead? No, the point is. Which one's dead? Will Chamberlain's dead? Yeah, Will's dead. The point is, I realize the guy's 7'4". There's not a place.'s it's about height i mean you're spotted you're stopped he gets stopped everywhere he goes i'm not defending the guy

but that guy has probably been bugged for autographs non-stop for 50 years and i bet he's just fucking had an impacted ass full of it i bet bet he has, but he should reconsider the way that... In that case, yes. Especially little kids. Some kid, and you can make their day. It's so easy to make their day. You're going to have to communicate with them. He's right there. And you're sure it was him, right? You're sure it was him, right? It wasn't a guy

that just looked like him? Yeah, it's a 6'4 black guy changed his name from Lew Alcindor to... Is that who he was? Lew Alcindor? Yeah, I was thinking who he was luau cinder yeah i was thinking like i was i was uh joking about this once where i was saying you know cat stevens uh cassius clay luau cinder all really bitching names like no reason to take the muslim name that's true dick trickle should take the muslim name but not maybe even Dick Butkus, but not Cassius Clay, like Cat Stevens.

Like you guys already were blessed with some of the coolest names on the planet. You know how much less pussy you're going to get, Cat Stevens? Going to Islam or whatever the fuck it is. I mean, you're going to cut the pussy spigot off.

Imagine his agent. How did the phone call go with his agent hey marty yeah no i'm not going by cat anymore that's uh that's my slave name no no cat stevens now i'm gonna now i'm gonna be selling my next album is gonna be the best of yusef islam his agent must have just been like are you fucking kidding me? I was fascinated by his whole situation, his transformation, up until I read the fact that he actually supported the fatwa, as it were, or whatever

against the guy who wrote what the fuck is his name? The guy who wrote the book when they went after him? The first guy? Yeah. The Muslim guy? Yeah. Satanic Verses. Yeah. And that guy was named Yuri Geller. I can't think of his name.

Well, you should have got me started. How could I not know his name? I'll spit it out in a second. Hold on, Satanic Versus. Comes out with Duncan Trussell. It's so beautiful how he can do that. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's the problem. Salman Rushdie.

Salman Rushdie. These guys are like, all these guys. He supported it. Yeah, there's the Cat Stevens version and then there's the Teabagger version and it's always like they explain their general look, it's about peace, it's about

pilgrimage, spirituality or whatever and you go like, okay, I'm down. I'm down. I'm down. Then they always do something and you go, alright, now I get it. You're an asshole. He's fucking crazy. Islam is a strange one to convert to. It's like when Glenn Beck became a Mormon. Yeah. You know, and like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You're like a fucking grown man. You're a grown man. You become a Mormon. It's one thing if you're like born a

Mormon, raised a Mormon. I had a joke that I was doing in my act where the reason why Mormons are so anti-gay marriage is because they're afraid of gay people, rightly so, because if someone could talk into being a Mormon, they can probably talk into sucking their dick. It's a matter of how much

alone time they spend with you. Won't you believe, you fuck? It is weird when people discover stuff at age 37. I feel like my brain, like the cement in the sidewalk of my brain was dry to almost any other ideas at that point. Well, you could break that cement open with some mushrooms.

Oh, my God. But. Oh, I have. I'm sure you have. I have, yeah. But the. I had this idea, too, though, speaking of the gays. You'll dig this idea.

Again, this is more just stone talk. But there's this race that's really fun it's called the 24 hours of lemons and it's not 24 hours of lamal it's lemons you take a piece of shit car and you're up against a bunch of other 500 cars and it's a 24-hour race of piece of shit oh nice sounds fun so someone says well how do you know that some guy's not going to spend 10 grand on a car put like a souped up engine in it and all that how how how can you confirm that everyone here hasn't spent more than 500 on their entry it's tough and the guy said here's how we do it we have have a giant bulldozer, just like a rock crusher, just like a backhoe thing, just a cruncher.

And we will go up and down the line to everyone who enters the race, every race, and we'll pick one car and we'll put it in the cruncher. And that sends the message, don't get slick. Because you look too slick or we think you don't want to be the nicest car at that thing. You don't want to spend 10 grand because they'll crunch you. And then I thought, this is how they should do the gay games. Because I thought, how do you know everyone in this game is gay? Maybe there's some straight guy who wants to just gay bash legally, right? So how do they know, like, Brock Lesnar

wouldn't enter the boxing competition and go, yeah, I suck cock, you know? I'd just be in there, just beat the shit out of a bunch of gay guys. So it'd be the greatest thing ever. So I said, they should do it the same way they do the 24 Hours of Lemons. It's just they line up all the guys for the gay games and one guy just walks in front of them

and stops in front of one dude and goes, suck my cock. That would keep this one straight dude away just a one percent chance maybe there'd be a few dudes who would risk it they just fucking sweat out that lottery that's right yeah they got emergency ecstasy in their pocket yeah no no when the guy yeah the emergency ecstasy probably would do it too no because then you'd write about you'd write about the sucked cock, and you'd realize people are going to see this. This is going to make it on YouTube. 1980, you could pull that off. What was your first car?

I thought you were going to say cock. What was your first cock? My first car was a Mazda pickup truck. It's a 79 Mazda long bed. It used to have a bench seat in it, but someone took out the bench seat and put dinette seats in it. So it was like theoretically bucket seats, but they came from someone's living room. So it wasn't awesome. How did you get wrapped up in loving cars?

Did you hang out with Jay Leno too much? I was deprived early on of all things mechanical, and I had a wrenching gene. So the wrenching gene, the wrencher gene, the mechanical gene, it's no different than the musical one. You know, you always, whenever they say, they talk about a drummer,

like, oh, Tommy Lee was banging on pots and pans in the kitchen when he was three so eventually broke down and got him a drum kit and he's never left it since you know so whatever he had that gene you know and some people have a musical gene and some people have it for math and some people have it for conversation or socializing or whatever science whatever there is a mechanical gene. And if you have it, unless somebody gets you that equivalent of a drum kit, you'll just fucking go nuts.

And I always lived in the valley and had shitty parents with no money and lived in crappy apartments. So I was just going nuts. I would go to other kids' houses and use their garages and use their tools. And I never had a garage. So when I got older older I then went nuts with it but I realized I didn't have any money so I had to sort of shut that part of my brain off sort of

like being really really into like you know uh high high-end strippers but working at an Arby's you know like you a certain point you go just go home and beat off like stop banging your head against the wall here it ain ain't going to happen. So I'm working as a carpenter. I don't have any money, so I have to drive a pickup truck. So I'm like, just screw it. And at a certain point, I made money. And then once I made money, I said, it's time to overcompensate.

And that's where I'm at now. Do you have an addiction? I'd say it is. I mean, in the sense that I think about it more than I think about other things you were gonna do the american version of top gear right yeah i did the pilot i did the pilot yeah what happened uh what happened is uh about the worst sort of combination that can happen when you're trying to uh be gainfully employed um did the top gear pilot with all the british guys I was sort of the lead guy. Came out really, really good, really strong. Everyone, I could tell it was good because all

the hardcore blogger guys who are really deep into this world, the Top Gear world, they're international and they're just a bunch of car tech nerd guys who love to get on the computer and say, a bunch of car tech nerd guys who love to get on the computer and talk shit about, you know, they love to say not as good as the one in the UK, but they all showed up at the taping. They did secret taping somewhere. Some of those like 700 people showed up, and they all got back to their computers and went,

oh, it's every bit as good as the UK one. It was for NBC, and it was right at the time that GM and Chrysler and two of the big three, maybe it was Chrysler and GM, were heading to Congress trying to get money from Congress to stay afloat. They were making a big deal about them taking private jets to ask Congress for money. Right, I remember that. And the show Knight Rider 2.0 was tanking completely in the ratings on NBC so they're like no car talk and no car shows and they shelved it

then I got another sitcom development deal with NBC and right at the time that happened it got picked up by the History Channel or Discovery or whatever it's on it got picked up for 13 episodes so they called me and they're like oh good, it got picked up by the History Channel or Discovery, whatever it's on. It got picked up for 13 episodes. So they called me.

They're like, oh, good news. We got picked up. And then I'm like, no, I'm actually doing another pilot for NBC that's a sitcom. So I can't do it. So they went ahead and did that. And guess who's sitcom pilot didn't get picked up. So 0 for 2, essentially. It's like you couldn't fuck it up any more than that.

See, that's one of the beautiful things about the podcast is that it's so difficult to fucking develop a show. It's so difficult. I've tried developing sitcoms. I've had development deals. I've been from the ground floor. I've been brought in during pilots to try to make it better. It's fucking just there's so many people involved and so many opinions and producers and network executives.

And it's so difficult. One of the beautiful things about the podcast is there's no one. I mean, for you, you have a few people that you've hired that figure out your audio stuff and your video stuff, but there's no one to tell you anything. It's just you. Yeah, I know. Beautiful. Well, nothing like this it it is at least it is

the vision of the artist yeah a hundred percent as i've always said what piece of art whether it was a painting or symphony got better because 14 people tried to clusterfuck it you know and by the way whether you're talking about NBC or CBS, five post-menopausal broads who never made a human being laugh in their life get involved creatively. I mean, what goes on during the height? I mean, most of the executives in the world of,

and listen, I'm not speaking as a bitter whoever. They paid me my money. I did my thing. I have no qualms with them. And I'm not coming from an angle of, oh, man, I'd love to kiss their ass and get another bite of the apple. And I'm not coming from an angle of I'm a bitter, jilted sitcom pilot star that didn't get on the air. I'm just coming from an angle of the truth. And these people are not funny.

Now. At all. Not at all. Now, the thing is, is that's okay. Most people aren't funny. Just don't try to direct funny. But my mom doesn't tell me what set to do, you know, before I go out on stage. And so not being funny and being heavily immersed in comedy and funny and

explaining to people how to be funny and what is funny is not going to create a better product and my fantasy and and most these a lot of them are women a lot of them are dudes who don't talk and even have a little bit of a sour dour look to themselves when they go back to their high school reunion in the in like Michigan or wherever they're from, and they say to their buddies who they haven't seen in 30 years, where are you up to? Were you living in California?

What's going on? What are you doing for a living? And they go, I'm the head of comedy programming on NBC or I'm the head of comedy programming on a major network. The people they went to high school with must go, get the fuck out of here. You've never said a fucking funny thing in your life. Are you nuts? You've never, I never heard you fucking say a thing that made another human being smile.

What'd you do, stand up all through college? Like, could you imagine how fucking confusing it would be? Because to a lay person, and remember when you were a lay person you thought well if somebody is the head of comedy whatever this dude must be the funniest cat in the land right i must know funny at least at least and he's gonna be a student gonna be a fat guy named marty go to his office there's crowd show marks, photos from the 30s. Oh, he's gonna love it. He's gonna love it. He's gonna be able to do Bill Cosby bits and

Bob Hope bits and everybody's bit just verbatim just back to you like a savant. Instead of looking at you and going I never heard of Mr. Show. Is that one guy or is that... Who said that to you? I pitched I pitched a pitched a well first off

sometimes you're talking to like 29 year old chicks who right fucking haven't heard of all all in the family yeah with with a clipboard and a confused look on their face and you're like wow right i'm selling something to you for real oh it is just again it's the death of all art which is a bunch of opinions that's it i mean even if even if someone stood next to michelangelo and had a decent opinion it still would have fucked it up to some degree even a helpful opinion well especially comedy because comedy is all about one unique opinion it's all about one person's point of view. When you start getting a bunch of other people intersecting their points of view into your point of view, then it's not yours anymore. Then it becomes some, like what makes someone

funny? Like talking about Top Gear, like Jeremy Clarkson's one of my favorite. I love that guy. And his point of view is always crass and slightly it's it's uniquely his whether he has writers or not you know he does he i'm sure i'm not being a dick but i i met him he came out when i did the podcast and he was i'm sorry did the car and everything's a podcast now when i did top gear and he came as the nicest guy in the world and i was just improvising up a storm and he came right up to me and he said, I could not do what you do. I do not do that. And I said, oh, thanks for the compliment. And he said, no, I mean it.

I have my stuff figured out. I don't know if he has writers. Well, he writes himself. He figures his stuff out and then does it in such a matter-of-fact sort of way that it feels so organic. It doesn't necessarily to me. It feels like it's well-written, but it feels like it's his.

You know what I mean? Well, coming from your trained eye and ear, but I'll bet to the average bloke, it feels very off the cuff. Really? Man, I don't know. It doesn't seem off the cuff at all to me. It seems good. It's very good.

It's because when he's driving and he's having this visceral experience and he starts sliding in a corner and he yells, you know, this thing's smoother than the Queen Mother's rear end. It feels like he's having this experience, you know. Right. Okay. That's why it feels like it to me. And I'm sure it's all canned. But you know there's no teleprompter and it feels like this, again, this experience that's transcending just the voice. You can tell that that guy really fucking loves cars.

When he reviewed the Corvette ZR1, and he's sliding sideways down this road, and he's screaming, Well done, fat man from Kentucky. This is a masterpiece. from Kentucky. This is a masterpiece. And he's just sideways blowing smoke out of the tires, stomping on that 648 horsepower engine. You're hearing the roar. You could tell that guy's really loving that. He was driving one of those that I think was a Callaway or something, you know, had the

turbo on it, probably had 900 horsepower. When I met him down at like El Toro he just was burning out not on camera or anything I was yelling at Steve Coogan who's an English comedian who criticized Jeremy Clarkson said something about Mexico

said that the reason why Mexico doesn't have good people in the Olympics is because all of their people who can run swim or jump have already gotten over the fence. Right. And people are shitting on him. Apparently Steve Coogan was just joking. Apparently he's like a joker and they're friends or something like that.

So sorry, Mr. Coogan. Oh, he wasn't really. Yeah, he wasn't really shitting. I guess it was his sense of humor. I just missed the mark. Comedians making jokes, is that is that you know in terms of society in terms of fixing the ills of society and looking for someone to point a finger at and create some sort of social change comedians telling jokes i had this why is it the top of everyone's list i

mean a newscaster you know politician clergyman there there's clergyman. Go after the bankers. Chief of police. When those guys make an off-color remark, then maybe you should say something about it. But when a comedian says something, don't you already know inherently by his title that it's a joke? I was having this exact conversation last night with Daniel Tosh about comedians going after comedians.

Because, you know, Coogan going after Jeremy Clarkson. And we were talking about David Cross going after Larry the Cable Guy. Which is one of the most confusing things. I like David Cross and I like Larry the Cable Guy. I think Larry the Cable Guy is funny. Is he the greatest comic in the world? Well, that's up to you. For some people, he is.

He's a good joke writer. He's got a good character. I think it's good. There's nothing wrong with it. Absolutely not. And I would never go after one of those guys because it always just seems like sour grapes. Like, all right, you're not selling out Ultradomes. Right.

And thus, you're pissed off about it. And this is what I got accused of when we were attacking Mencia. But I was like, look, man, there's a lot greater than him that are way more successful, and I'm not going after them. It's not a sour grapes issue. It's an artistic issue. When you go after someone who's doing something you don't agree with, who you don't like as material, well, fucking obviously someone does. Are you saying that your sense of humor is the only one that's valid? You know, like you can't enjoy Larry the Cable Guy.

No one can enjoy it. Well, there's he's a racist and he says racist things. And no, he says a lot of things that a guy that was Larry the Cable Guy would fucking say. Right. And it would be funny. Well, I mean, a guy in a flannel T-shirt with cut-off sleeves, talking about Arabs, them Arabs, them Talids. That's what he would say, you know? It's a fucking character.

Well, listen, you know, Andrew Dice Clay did the same thing. Except Andrew kind of became that guy. Right. Andrew, you know, the Dice Clay, Andrew was Andrew Silverstein, and the Dice Man was one of his many characters. He would go up and do John Travolta. His fucking John Travolta is deadly. He would go up and do all these different characters, and the Dice Man just killed so much, it eventually became him.

And then, you know, everywhere he goes, he's wearing weightlifting gloves and leather jackets and shit. Well, I think he's had to read what, what happens is, is that with these careers is, um, Gilligan, you know, a year after Gilligan's Island goes off, the air goes, uh, Bob Denver goes,

uh, fuck this. I'm not wearing that stupid white hat and the red crew neck sweater thing. And the white pants like a bullshit. And then he does about 10 years of this is bullshit. And then he does about five years of soul searching. And then at some point he opens the closet and grabs that hat and says, you know what? I'm going down to open that fucking boat show in Long Beach and walk out of here with nine grand.

And then it starts and then starts to wax nostalgic about it. So I think the dice man put down the pack of cigarettes in the leather vest and said, I'm gonna do some other things, and at a certain point realized, I ain't paying the bills doing this. Do you remember when he had a sitcom? He went clean for a while? He had a sitcom on CBS, and it was called Bless This House or something like that? Wasn't it called that? It was like when

Kiss went unmasked. And it was with the woman from Raging Bull. Yeah! Yeah, what the fuck is her name? Salman Roshki. from Raging Bull. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck is her name? Salman Roshki.

I mean, Sally. What the fuck was her name? Because she was super hot and then she got chubby as fuck. Yeah. She's, uh, Angelo. De Angelo.

No, not De Angelo. Fuck is her name. Kathy Moriarty. Moriarty. She was hot as fuck. Yeah. And then, you know, much like all of us, she fell apart. I saw the Daisy Duke girl.

Catherine Bach. She was the worst ever. It was the saddest thing you will ever see. Her sitting there with her little shorts, but they weren't as short as they used to be. And she's just sitting there, no one talking to her, no one even knowing that she's sitting there. I just walk up and I'm like,

this is Daisy Duke right here. And I'm like'm like oh you're signing autographs she goes 25 dollars i'm like oh no right and i was like can i take a picture and she goes yeah that's ten dollars i'm like no it's with my camera and she goes yeah it's ten dollars but it was the saddest thing ever i'm like no thank you and i just walked away and this little daisy duke just sit in the corner by herself sitting out of folding folding chair. Can I tell you something that's sadder? Moments ago when Joe was like, you know, what's the name of that author? And they put the fatwa on the guy, remember? And wrote satanic verses.

Remember that? What was the name of that guy? And I'm like, yeah, you know that author, remember? He had to hide because they put a hit on him. And Cat Stevens, you know, gave it two thumbs up. And what's the name of that author? I'm like, yeah, I couldn't tell you. But when you're like, I saw Daisy Duke, Catherine

Bach. Fucking sad. Well, when we were kids, she was hot as fuck. I know. It's just sad that that's where my knowledge base is. She's not that old, though. How old is she? She looked probably about 50. So it's just the booze is it it looked just like sadness it was just sadness it's booze or drugs it's it's

amazing how the booze really jacks you those little freckles weren't there as much anymore oh she's done but then you look at like um christy brinkley's still hot as fuck well somehow or another she's keeping it together she's like like 53. I have this fun imaginary game that I like to play when I get stoned, which is a sort of the X. It's like, it's a cross, okay? And let's say

when you were in junior high, let's say you're in the seventh grade, for the sake of argument, and Duke's a hazard is hitting its prime. You're the good old boys. And they're blowing up the outhouse with the crossbow and whatnot. And you're just sitting there and you're seeing an episode that has Catherine Bach and then tight Daisy Dukes. And she does that thing where she leans over the open hood and the steam comes out and everything.

And now there you are, a little peckerwood in new jersey in seventh grade and you're now you're at the bottom of each x you couldn't get further away there's it's not like you stole a bus ticket to la you could fuck katherine bach no way you're a million miles away so true okay but now now you start heading up the legs of the x just a good good old man. Now we move on 10 years. Never made it home. Joe's a stand-up comedian getting started, having a little success, making a little money, grown into his body. He's become sexually charged.

He's 23, 22, 23 years of age. Now Dukes of Hazzard's been off the air, you know. 15 years. Yeah. Been off. Well, no, I'm saying at this point. Yeah, okay. Let's say it's been off 10 years.

Okay. 10 years. But she's still, she's 36, still looking pretty tight, you know, whatever. But Joe's not looking too bad either. And Joe's starting to do a little standup, whatever. At what point, Joe, at what point do you cross her? Like, at a certain point, I mean, when you were in the seventh grade,

you would have sold your fucking soul and killed your stepmom to get one lick of that pussy, right? Right. But now, but now, but if I ask you right, Now she's repulsive. If I ask you this second,

well, then obviously you guys crossed. Yes. What year did you cross? That's repulsive. If I asked you this second, well, then obviously you guys crossed. Yes. What year did you cross? That's my game. And then there's something like, ooh, you haven't crossed Christy Brinkley yet. Or maybe you're meeting. Maybe about nine months away from just hitting right in the middle. No, Christy Brinkley's still above me.

Yeah? Yeah, she's got me. Yeah, she's still hot and she's 53. No, she's like 57. Oh, Jesus. That hot and she's 53. No, she's like 57. Oh, Jesus. That's my point. She's going to be 60, Joe. Well, maybe I crossed her at 57.

But she looks great. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe she doesn't. With TV, you can never really tell. I'll have to ask Christine. We'll see what we can agree to. It'd be an awesome conversation.

Yeah, the Catherine Bach thing, it all depends on how much Catherine Bach took care of herself, whether or not she was still in movies. You know what I mean? There's some women that even though they've kind of deteriorated, they still have a level of respectability. You're doing news radio. She's been off TV for 14 years. You know what I'm saying?

Once Fear Factor happened, I had her. She was mine. She was mine when I was hosting. If I wanted to get Catherine Bach. We had to work out some sort of bracket list. You know what I mean? Where just really you could find all the chicks I wanted to get Catherine. We're going to work out some sort of bracket list, you know what I mean, where just really you could find all the chicks you wanted to fuck when you were in the eighth grade and see when you crossed them.

There's nothing stranger than watching a woman go from being beautiful and having ultimate power. A really super hot chick, a super hot 21-year-old chick, it's almost voodoo. You know, like their body and the way they move and like the way they smell and if they like you and if they're smart too and if you're not sure if you can get them. It's like, god damn. It's almost fucking voodoo. It's ultimate power.

It's super celebrity power. The reason why celebrities get so ridiculously fucked up. Trump's everything. The reason why celebrities get so ridiculously big-headed is because everywhere you go, people are kissing your ass. Everywhere you go, people are, here's free bottle service, here's a limousine for free, please eat at my restaurant,

you're amazing, you've changed my life, and you start thinking you really are the shit. That is an awesome thought, Mr. Rhodes. But girls, from the moment they're little, from the moment they're little, you're so cute, you're so beautiful, and then they're in high school, then it becomes currency. It becomes the

thing that defines them, and then it goes away. And it goes away slowly. It goes away weird, where they start looking like that rough bar girl, you know, like still hot, been in her 30s, but, you know, you can see her in a cigarette, and maybe I get a couple of shots of Jack in you, and let's just go fuck in the woods.

Just some crazy bitch. She's not the 21-year-old girl who's the cheerleader who's impossible to get. Now she's this wild bitch. You feel for her. She's trying to pay her bills. She's been divorced. And then eventually they become monsters. They become this weird thing,

especially if they go down the surgery route. Please, ladies, please, just if they go down the surgery route. Please, ladies, please, just get old. Don't go crazy. Don't fuck with your lips and your neck and all that nutty shit that does not make you look better. It makes you look different. And that different is not a good different. It's a weird monster different. Well, also, you guys are going through, historically, a bad phase.

Well, also, you guys are going through historically a bad phase because your mother didn't have to worry about plastic surgery because it didn't really exist. And your daughter won't really have to worry about it because they'll have perfected it. Even worse, the genetic engineering. Yeah, you're in the experimental phase and it ain't working out. It's sort of like CGI. It's a bad generation because our folks were watching movies that every stunt was an actual stunt just done by a dude who didn't give a shit. And our kids enjoy CGI

that works so effectively you can't tell. We went through a whole phase where we had to watch shitty movies with really bad effects because they were perfecting it on our watch, and we were sitting in the theater. Well, now we're in the theater of plastic surgery, and all you women,

essentially it's the 50-year experimental phase while they're working on it, and you're looking like shit. Yeah, you know, I have to compliment you because Brian Callen said this about you, and it's absolutely the truth. You are the best at taking one scenario, whatever it is, and just going on this fucking rant. Pretty amazing.

And coming to these awesome conclusions, you know? Oh, thanks. You're dead on about it. I love that Brian Callen, by the way. He's awesome. I ran into that guy at a, we're shooting a movie and I just, just do a little bit part and a little bit movie. And Brian came up to me and he said, you know, you may be the best at doing this improv stuff.

And I said, I don't know. And there's probably other guys do, do it better than me. And he said, who? And I said, I don't know. And he said, well well someone's got to be the best and i said i guess they do and he said well then that's you and i was like uh all right exact story in those exact words i walked away i've never fucking felt better in my life i was like it's true man you go on these wild rants but they come to conclusions they're like they

come to great conclusions like i don't know uh how you generate material or if any of this stuff you've already talked about on stage, but seriously, go back and listen to this podcast with a fucking notebook. And there's like three good bits in there. At least. I never listen to anything or go back and revisit anything. Hire someone to do it. Hire one of your folks.

I did that. That's how I wrote the book. I swear to God, I just said, you have to listen to all this stuff and find the stuff out. But it's always sad

because I've tried it a few times and a few times the guys have gone and listened to a couple of shows and then I go, find anything good?

And they're like, not so much. And it's like, oh, you didn't say anything fucking good? You got to get a better guy. Yeah,

you get a better guy, they get a little better crap comb. Get a guy and, they get a little better crap comb. Get a guy and make him get high before he watches you. That's very important. We were talking about this. You know, a lot of people say, oh, you're always talking about pot. Why are you always talking about pot?

Because it's fucking awesome, all right? And it's awesome and it has this terrible reputation, this wrong, incorrect reputation because of fucking Nancy Reagan and Just Say No and Nixon and all the nonsense and propaganda that they force fed you. It is a plant that is here and it has benefits. There is a great benefits for your mind. And to pretend that it doesn't, to me, is ridiculous. We did a few things. We started lumping drugs in under one umbrella.

Absolutely true. Just like you would no sooner do it with, you were just talking about women. Hey, Joe, I would like to set you up with woman. You'd be like, what color's her hair? How tall is she? How old is she? What's her cup size?

Or when someone says you hate women. Yeah, it's not women. Because you think one woman's a cunt. It all just became drugs. And somehow methamphetamine and marijuana just sort of got lumped in under the same umbrella. You do drugs? Fucking such a huge mistake. And then

the other thing that drives me insane about our legal system when they pulled those guys over who went on to rob the North Hollywood Bank over there in Laurel Canyon those crazy motherfuckers who were like, and by the way they

were beaked out of their mind on uppers and that's why and steroids and steroids and everything else but all right they pulled those dudes over in like eagle rock and they popped the trunk of their car masks police scanners um body armor maps um um automatic weapons that were modified illegally i mean semi-automatic weapons that were modified to go full automatic with armor piercing rounds and extended banana clips and stuff they found everything in the trunk of their car that basically said oh these guys are on their way to rob a bank. When they arrested them, they could not get them for attempted bank robbery because the law says, hey, man, we got to catch you robbing a bank.

Just because you're driving around with police scanners and armor-piercing bullets and ski masks doesn't mean you're going to rob a bank. We know practically it means you're going to rob a bank. We know practically it means you're going to rob a bank. But the way our law system, the system works is you have to rob a bank and then we will prosecute you for robbing a bank. And we all agree. All right, that's how it works. And these guys got locked up for a little something, something.

And when they got out, they gave them back a lot of their police scanners and a lot of their shit that was their property. Fine. Then they robbed the bank, and then they had the North Hollywood shootout, which was completely and utterly insane. But the point is this. We could not prosecute them for robbing a bank before they robbed the bank. And how come when you get busted for more than a shoebox full of marijuana or even a coffee can full of marijuana, you get intent to distribute.

They don't have to catch you distributing. Maybe I just like to stock up on weed. That's insane. That's an insane part of the law to me because every other thing works is we need a body for murder and we need a witness for attempted murder. This is the only thing where they go, you were going to do with this pot, even though they never caught you doing anything with it. And again, maybe you like to shop like you shop at Smart and Final or Costco, where you just want a 55-gallon drum of garbanzo beans.

And that's your fucking business. That's how I used to do it before the weed stores came around. I used to buy in bulk because I didn't want to deal with these guys. But before the weed stores came around, I used to buy in bulk because I didn't want to deal with these guys. There was a dude named Jake the Snake that was Eddie Bravo's friend that we used to have to fucking deal with. And we used to buy weed from him. And he was so stupid. And Eddie Bravo's black belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu choked out one of the first guys to ever choke out a Gracie in competition.

And this fucking idiot was like, man, you couldn't do that shit to me. Eddie had to strangle this kid three times on his fucking front lawn. You couldn't do that again. You got lucky. He had to do it again and again and again. I mean, this kid was so stupid, and we were buying weed from him. And so, you know, I would just buy a big pile of it. You never have to deal with that guy. Just go, please shut the fuck up.

Here's the money. Please shut the fuck up. It's just so sad that you can't, as a homeowner and a taxpayer, just plant a pot plant in your backyard. Well, you can. You can now. But, but the problem is federally you can't. You can statewide. As far as the state's concerned, it depends on each county. It has a different law, but you can have a certain amount of plants and a certain amount of pot. You can have up to like a half a pound of pot and up to X amount of plants,

as long as you have a medical recommendation. Or if you have a waiver, you can get even more plants, which I do. I have a waiver because I need extra. Just because I could. My mom had a pot. Do you need a medical recommendation or if you have a waiver you can get even more plants which i do i have a waiver because i need extra i just because i could i could my mom had a waiver i'm like yeah give me that fucking waiver man you don't even use it my mom had a pot plant in her backyard uh when i was uh like in the sixth grade really yeah yeah and i told my buddy uhid, and the next day it was gone. He stole it? Wow. I'm just doing the Hamid math on that one.

Wow, what a douchebag Hamid is. Yeah, I never told my mom. Wow. I guess if she's a big Joe Rogan podcaster, she's going to hear it. Sorry, Mom. Yeah, and the weed thing is, I've said this many times, and I think I said it in my book. Here's the difference between weed and other drugs. I would rather have 1,000 guys that smoked weed live in my neighborhood rather than one tweaker.

Oh, yeah. Just one fucking meth head. Yeah, one meth head, and you see him, and you're like, I think we need to get rid of that guy. You should think about killing him. There's a disease person. I'm watching the show Walking Dead. I just bought the DVD, the set. Pretty fucking badass.

Good zombie show. But there comes a point in the show where people get bit, and they're all sitting around trying to figure out what are we going to do. And some people want to kill the guy, and some people don't. But a meth head is just like a zombie. It's like this guy's infected. I mean, this fucked up he could do anything he'd kill you he could do anything to try to get this shit they have terrible decision making capabilities they're almost like just a high functioning zombie i mean it really is yeah and the idea that i haven't checked recent

statistics but about five years ago this country spent more on pot eradication than it did on meth. And that's utterly insane. It's just insane. It's just a financial thing. It's 100% a financial thing. And there's a huge industry in keeping marijuana illegal. As far as law enforcement, as far as, you know, the people in pharmaceutical companies, they want marijuana to stay illegal. There's a lot of bad fucking cops

out there when it comes to drugs. And one of the things they do, and this is a common thing in the grower community, they rob pot dealers, cops do. And they did it to a friend of mine. A friend of mine was growing and his neighbor turned him in. Well, he was growing legally. So the cops came and they ask him questions and they go over all of his shit. And he goes, okay, you're all right. You're legal. And then a couple weeks later, he gets home invaded. Really? Yeah, by cops.

Wow. By fucking cops. The guy says, freeze, pulls a gun on him, and he goes, freeze. And my friend goes, freeze? What the fuck are you saying? What are you, a fucking cop? And the guy panics and shuts up and it became this crazy fucking situation where he even is pretty sure he knows who the cops are but can't

say anything because he doesn't want the cops coming after him he had a fucking move he had a move because he got robbed by cops what's up with the neighbors that's my big question what's up with the fucking neighbors i've had so many shitball douchebag neighbors who've called the cops over nothing. Got like building departments involved with things like I've never had a cool neighbor. I had no idea that there would be this many ass wipes. where the cops showed up at 9.45 on a Saturday night on New Year's Eve, which meant the guy called them at 9 or, you know, it takes cops a good hour to fucking roll on one of those calls. Somebody called on New Year's Eve at like 8.45 to come to my house.

It wasn't raging or anything. It was just a bunch of people sitting around having a beer. And the fucking cops showed up at 9 45 and the cops the cops walked in and i said you want me to turn the stereo down and they said not if you don't want to and i said even the cops knew hey look if it's 4 a.m and you guys are just fucking cranking uh helter skelter uh as loud as you can well then there's going to be a problem but the cop walked in looked around and just went oh this is bullshit and i realized this one person who was sitting home alone would wanted the 150 people to all go home because he wanted to fucking finish watching

his hannity and combs or whatever the fuck was on at 10 o'clock and it's like what the fuck i've never called the cops in my life. I'll put earplugs in. I'll put a shade on. I'll knock on your door and go, hey, man, this shit's really loud. Is there anyone who can just lower it a little? I mean, if it's really crazy. When I lived in apartments, you know, but I had good neighbors in the mountains.

The mountains, when I was living in Colorado, it was kind of interesting because you kind of have to help each other out up there. You're all alone with mountain lions and bears and shit, and they'd give good advice about what to do if a bear attacks you and shit like that. But they were different up there, man. But they were really far apart from each other. Everybody was a drive.

Everybody was a quarter mile walking distance from each other. Yeah, that helps. Fuck yeah, it helps, man. That's the worst thing about LA. And I'll tell you what, being on your podcast the other day completely reignited my escape from LA scenario. And I've been talking to Mrs. Rogan about it.

And we fucking started looking at houses in Boulder again. We started talking to real estate guys about, the move I think is we're going to probably look to get a summer place and then eventually try to move into the summer place and get the fuck out of here. But the problem is the number, the number of people. When you've got so many people and they're stacked on top of each other and there's one guy next door and his fucking dog is barking. I was over at a friend's house the other day and right next door to her house, these dogs are barking like fucking crazy.

And then behind her, there's some other dogs and they hear these dogs barking. So they come and triangulate the barking. And there's barking from here and barking from there. And everybody's jammed on top of each other and your fucking TV's too loud and your song's loud and everybody's laughing by the pool. There's too much input.

There's too much. No, listen, I agree. Even on a personal level, you ever share a bachelor apartment with a chick or just like a single with a chick? Yeah. It's fucking almost impossible to get along. It's just literal square footage. Yeah. When you're on top of each other, you're fucked.

You have to be so fucking compatible and so cool. You know, when I tried it, I was 21 and the girl was 20 and we were both poor and we're both working. You know, I was trying to be a comedian and she was trying to manage restaurants. We never lived with anybody before. We'd live with our fucking parents and all of a sudden we're living together. It was ridiculous. It was a terrible idea. When me and Catherine Bach were shacked up in 79. But the girl was great before that and I was great

before that. I'm sure she probably thought yeah, like, boy, he's so fun and so much fun to hang out with. I tell everybody, like, whenever they ask about, like, relationship stuff, I just go square footage. Like, when I go, what's your marital advice?

Square footage and two Tevas. Like, just be able to spread it out. Don't, and listen, What's your marital advice? Square footage and two Tevas. That's huge. Be able to spread it out. Yes. You know what else is huge, too? You'll learn to hate anyone you have to live on top of. Do you appreciate when you go on the road? When you go on the road and then you come home? Yeah.

That makes, man, when you're around everybody all the time. He falls around you, around anybody. When you're around them all the time, you just get sick of them. It's boring. The same input is coming in over and over and over again. And you start analyzing that input. That's why people start going, why do you fucking do that thing with your fingernails? Why do you give a shit what I do with my fingernails? Because they see you doing this all the time. If they just met you and they saw

you biting your nail, they go, he's biting his nail. It wouldn't be a big deal. But you live with someone and you see him biting their fucking nail every day. You want to break their fingers off. You're like, what are you doing? crazy asshole i uh when i go on the road though and i come back i'm so thankful like yeah it's like it makes me so much more enthusiastic about everybody plus sleeping on a shitty mattress with a jizz pentagram drawn into it just make you miss your pillow just a little bit you're talking to captain jizz over here to my left this motherfucker throws loads on the walls. He calls it Spider-Man.

When I'm at hotels. Because I can. Because you can't do it at home. It's like a vacation so you throw it everywhere. That's rude. But, well, I guess the question is

because really on the walls. This is one of the reasons why when I go to hotels every time I can I get a sweet. Because I know guys like you are not going to get sweets. So I don't have to look at loads everywhere.

You literally throw it. You don't blow it. He shoots it in his hand and then throws it like Spider-Man. Oh. Maybe I've turned the corner on this activity. I don't know. Now you start to like it. It's great. First I thought you were just beating off into a wall.

Some poor lady from Guatemala is going to clean your loads off of fucking photos. She's not going to see it. There's a picture of a man in a canoe fly fishing, and it's got a load on it. She's got to scrape it off. If you're at a nice hotel where they have black wallpaper, I wouldn't do it against the wall. It's like these crappy hotel walls that you can't see anything. You know what would be sweet retribution is if it was, let's say it was a hot, hot August night, and you're staying at a bad motor lodge, and the air conditioning's on the fritz,

and you're in the south, you're in the deep south, and you blow your load, and you go to do your Spider-Man fling with it, and it hits the ceiling fan, and it comes back into your eye and you get pink eye. And then you have to explain to the doctor that's your own load that gave you the pink eye. I don't think that's enough. I think he deserves more. What?

I think you deserve more. More of a punishment. Right, you deserve to get pregnant. I had payback the other day. Really? Yeah, I don't even want to talk about it. It's fucking disgusting. Let's just say that I came and then somehow it ended on my lip.

Snowballed, kind of. Snowballed? As a joke. She thought it was funny. What? Nothing. You came? I was getting a blowjob.

Came in her mouth. Then she later, she was kissing me and she spits it on my lip. Oh, right. She thought it was funny. Oh. Oh, okay. That's rude i can't even watch the when the guys you know are going at it at the same time like i i i mean i can watch it don't

get me wrong but what i mean is is the other dudes jizz on you i i feel like not enough is made of that in the porn world like they'll both just bust a load on her tits and then they'll both be like slapping their dick on it. It's like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, buddy.

You are comingling loads here. That's bad. But how about when they're doing the double vagina thing and they've got two dicks inside the pussy at the same time? I'm like, at that point in time, you're not even fucking a woman anymore. You're using her vagina as a container so that you can rub dicks.

Right. That's what you're doing. Yeah. You might as well just get a tennis ball can and lube it up and get your buddy to shove his cock in it. Yeah. Fucking pussy feels awesome, bro. I don't even feel your balls against my balls. It's just this pussy that feels so awesome, man.

You know, I think it takes a lot to be a male porn star. I think that's the whole thing. It takes a lot. It takes meth. It takes abuse. It takes a stepfather. I was talking to one guy. It takes a lot of shit.

And I was like, I don't want to say say these names but i was talking to this one guy and he goes uh i was asking have you ever met this other porn star and he goes yeah but you know something's weird about him like why he goes he has his own sewing machine and he always sews his own clothes and i don't know it's something weird and i'm like wait a second what's going on here that's what's weird but that's what's weird is that he has a sewing machine you asshole you like making clothes you know like you know i hear about adam crow all the time adam crow is a fucking carpenter you know adam crow does like his own extensions on his house and shit and you do all kinds of crazy work right yeah nobody ever says the fuck is wrong with the man right what

is he sawing shit no people go wow that's pretty badass guy makes his own cabinets that's pretty fucking cool but you hear a guy makes his own cabinets. That's pretty fucking cool. But you hear, guy makes his own clothes. Like, fuck, you fucking queer. What are you making your own clothes? What, you got rhinestones all over them too? We got shiny shit on your clothes? So you're going to attract some cock?

You know, like, what is that? It's so weird. We all wear clothes. What is wrong with making clothes? I know, the weird part was like having to be like, yeah, that is weird. You have clothes. You have clothes. But if you have a clothing line, then you're cool again, right?

You're back. If you get some multiple clothes. 11-year-old Indonesians to make it for you, then it's hip again. By the way, the Higher Primate Joey Diaz shirts are sold out. They're sold out instantly. Literally within an hour. Really? All of them sold out except for small.

We don't have small fans. Oh. So we need more guidos. More guys wearing small shirts that don't really fit. Right. I got completely obsessed. We're ordering have small fans. So we need more guidos, more guys wearing small shirts that don't really fit. I got completely obsessed. We're ordering new ones immediately. I got completely obsessed with this guy named Louis Wayne. Have you guys heard of who this is?

He's an artist from the late 1800s to early 1900s. And the reason why I got obsessed with him is that he used to spit his jizz at the canvas. He started getting schizophrenia. And so his whole thing is he used to draw cats and he used to drew classic cats for like the new york post or i don't know what some news famous news but he started to draw cats and then he started getting really sick and all his cat pictures started turning into psychedelic dmt art like you know the what's oh i've seen that with alex gray yeah Gray. I've seen those. It's so interesting.

I just got obsessed with this guy. It's very interesting if you go online and look at it. There's a book also called... Well, that's interesting you talk about that. The neurochemistry of the brain is some fascinating shit. I've been experimenting recently with nootropics, different things that stimulate the mind,

like different supplements for the mind. We just started creating one. We've talked about this on the show. And I've got a piece of paper here that has all the information on it. You want me to tell another Kareem Abdul-Jabbar story while you're looking for your nootropics? It doesn't matter. Well, I'll have all the information available. But I started taking it.

But all the people that are taking it, we've compounded all the best nootropics, put it together, and we're going to release it because nobody has like a brain formula like a really solid brain formula but all these people that are taking it they're saying their memory's incredible they're remembering all this weird shit from childhood and apparently if you take it right before you go to bed you have fucking insane dreams i started taking it two days ago you started yeah i should do it i do it when i wake up I guess I should do it when I go to bed. But wait a minute. Is that really a selling point? Because I feel like...

Dreams? Yeah, because when I wake up, the best night's sleep I get is when people go like, what did you dream about? And I'm like, uh... You don't like that? I'm just asleep. Oh, I love your dreams. Crazy dreams, always.

My dreams are never... My dreams are rarely good. Really? I have no dreams of grandeur they're and they're not even horror they're not even horror stories they're just sort of boring like i have these super uh mundane boring dreams about half of them are about high school football except for i can't find my my equipment and i never i never get the game. And the other ones are just sort of shitty jobs where it's like one of my dreams will be like, oh, you have this really shitty job and it sucks and you're bored. And then, oh, there's this hot chick who works at the law firm that you're working at.

And then, but you never fuck her. And it's like nothing ever happens. And then I actually wake up and I go, oh, man, I'm glad. Like, I'm glad to be awake. Like, whereas a lot of people, well, they wake up and they haven't won the Heisman Trophy. And, you know, they're not fucking Lindsay Lohan and they're disappointed. I wake up and go, I'm not working at a Circle K and driving my old Mazda pickup truck. I'm actually relieved.

So I have these dreams that don't set me up. It's a weird... I've never had a dream where I feel good. Like I'm better in my dream than I am in life. That I've done things. You guys need to rent the action movie of dreams. Just get nicotine patches. Rent the action movie of dreams?

This is like renting an action movie for dreams. Take a nicotine patch Put it on right before you go to bed You'll have fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger style dreams I mean just fucking insane Mysteries and action and helicopters Really? A nicotine patch? Yeah because the nicotine

Your nicotine receptors in your head stay awake To suck in the nicotine so your brain's a little bit more Awake than normal when you're dreaming That's why it says on the box don't take it but fuck it says don't take it at night because of that because of that but you have nightmares or dreams it's not nightmares it's fucking awesome shit like fucking elevators nicotine is a confidence inspiring sort of yeah nicotine is a good drug there there should be uh i would lobby the f FDA to put two types of don't take this stickers. There's the one where it says, do not take this with alcohol because your liver will explode. And then there's don't take it with alcohol because you'll supersize it.

Like you essentially put it into six gear. Now the ones where I can wash it down with a couple of beers and feel that much better about myself, I'm all for that. But I don't want my liver to explode. But you guys just have one sticker that says no alcohol, and I want to know which one. Because I'll decide once I get that information. I feel the same way with the don't take at night. Right. Yeah.

I highly recommend it, though. Okay. So what level do you take? I always go with level one. And what it does, I don't do it. What is level one? Level one is your first week of quitting smoking. Oh, so that's super strong.

Yeah. I mean, if you just want to have a good, trippy dream. But I don't smoke, so what would I go with? Just level one. Really? Yeah, fucking. That's eating like a quarter of mushrooms. Really?

Of dreams. Is that strong in dreams? Of dreams. Wow, man. Six hours of feeling like Jean-Claude Van Damme it's awesome tobacco but people don't understand

tobacco in itself or nicotine in itself is not a bad drug in fact it's shown to have some benefits as far as like people's hearts it actually is like

good for your heart the real problem comes with smoking it and the real problem comes with the 599 these government cunts

that have allowed these people to put 599 fucking different additives inside cigarettes most of them designed just to make it more addictive you know if you look at that movie inside job that russell crowe movie which is based on a true story or what is it inside man or whatever it's close yeah whatever it was that's that's what jacks you that's yeah that was a great movie that's what jacks you it's all chemicals i'm just i'm flashing forward here joe i'm flashing forward about 30 years i'm seeing the kids grown out of the house wife's long gone you're you're up now you're in the hills like you're in this you're in the hills of color at this point. Podcasts still going strong.

Strong. This time. Like Art Bell. Several million listeners, mostly in China, but all over the place. And now you're sitting there. Mostly in China. You're sitting there with a full beard, like a full gray beard, and some sort of bizarre marijuana suppository,

like all day slow drip thing that just keeps you at a constant buzz. And you're going off about President Bieber. And you're just up there on your pulpit with a crazy beard. You're wearing like three sets of glasses, like you have the bifocals hanging down. You have the sunglasses up on your head, your cat's on your lap, and you're just waxing crazy poetic old man talk, lashing out against the government. And you're right next to me, motherfucker. That's right.

You're sitting right across the aisle, and you're like, I'm so glad I got out of California. Oh, now building tips. With a pimp scooter. Yeah. That's hilarious, yeah. You ever wonder what the fuck you're going to be like when you be 60 or 70 years old? Do you ever look ahead? Or do you try to live in the moment? I don't look ahead nor do i like live in the moment i i

just sort of am i'm just an atheist who is you know i i have the things that i enjoy i have the people that i enjoy i i do what i do just because that's what i do like i you know i don't really think about things too much. You think about things a lot, though. What do you mean? Well, what I mean is I don't plot the future per se. I just essentially move through it. And I try to do it as efficiently as possible.

And I try to maximize whatever I can maximize and whatever my interests are and financially and that sort of thing. But in general, I'm not a plotter. I'm like, I'm not a down the road or, you know, I have kids, you know, for college goes, screw them. They're on their own. Like they'll be fine. They'll either want to go to college or they won't go to college. They'll either be curious or they won't be curious. Hopefully they'll be fine. They'll either want to go to college or they won't go to college. They'll either be curious or they won't be curious. Hopefully, they'll be curious. And I'll figure out a way to pay for some of it.

But they can pay for some of it, too. I'm not one of those, oh, my God, what's going on next year guys. And I never have been. And I've been willing to walk away from many endeavors just because I figured, well, there's a new adventure around the corner. I don't look forward to it, but I don't fear it either. It's just there as it was for millions of other people. And it is for millions today. Well, you like I said, you were the first guy to jump into this whole podcast thing. And you, you know, you went right at it right away. What was your thinking? Like after your radio show

was done? I know you were real frustrated by your whole experience doing that radio show. Right. And then after it was done, did you just say, let's see where this goes? Because the podcast scene was not anything. I mean, how long have you been doing your podcast now? Oh, almost two and a half years. Yeah. Coming up on two and a half years.

Two and a half years ago, man. Who the fuck had a podcast, you know? Right. Well, I did yours. Shit, I don't remember. It was right after your show had closed. And I remember thinking, wow, maybe I could do this. Maybe this is something.

I was doing too many different things at the time, but I was like, wow, this was so much fun. How cool would it be to just have a place where you could just sit down and shoot the shit with your friends and put that out? Is it going to be real? What was your thinking after your show? Tell us, what was it like? What was the radio show like when it was canceled and you know when the whole station wouldn't become a mexican station or something what happened no became a like britney spears lady gaga top 40 worse 97.1 became a mexican station right um i don't talk i don't know no i still i still think they're i i don't i don't know i know i

still think they're playing top 40 gaga stuff but who you know who cares one or the other both mind numbing one one is mind numbing to people speak spanish it was mind numbing to people that speak english but they're mind fucking numbing music both both sides the the point is, well, what happened is they said to me in a sort of weird mind fuck, they said, hey, listen, we're going to fold the station out. Now, for those who, you know, don't know, I replaced Howard Stern on the West Coast. A guy named Rover did it in the Midwest. And then David Lee Roth did it in New York when the change came about. The David Lee Roth experiment ended super fast, super fast. And the Rover thing ended fairly quickly. And then I was around and I was doing well. We were getting I got bonuses in L.A.

toward the end. And I would always get bonuses in Vegas and Seattle and Portland and stuff like that we were you know we had our ups and downs for sure but it had smoothed out and we were doing well and they and when I say well I don't mean conquering the world I just mean holding our own getting solid ratings and getting getting the occasional bonus for being number one and they flipped the format they for being number one and they flipped the format they just figured out look why are we paying all these guys millions of dollars to talk when we can just play the aforementioned lady gaga and just make the same revenue and it's a business decision like i'm completely cool with it i mean nothing i understand like people are

always like aren't you pissed off fuck no it's their it's their job they paid me i had a contract they paid me out the rest of the year for not doing anything. And it's completely their prerogative. I get pissed off at personal stuff. I get pissed off when somebody does something intentionally. When the super selfish old neighbor next door says, I would rather watch Jeopardy and Peace than have 150 people celebrate the ringing in of the new year. That's a personal bullshit thing. When it's business, it's just business. I understand it.

So they were going to flip it. But they said to me two months before they were going to blow up the whole station, they said, we're going to send you to New York. You're going to the number one market and we want you to take over in New York. So but don't tell anybody. You cannot tell anyone because nobody here knows the radio station's being blown up. And the way radio works is they don't give you two weeks notice. You finish your shift, you walk off the air and the guy says, go get that box with the weird cardboard handles carved into it. You're leaving. And they do it for a reason. They don't want you going back on

the air going, fuck this station. Fuck Jack Silver. Fuck these cocksuckers. These fucking guys, you know, they know it. And most DJs are nuts. And that's what half of them will do. So they told me two months in advance, we're flipping. you're going to New York and we're flipping don't say anything so it was this horrible two months for me where it'd be like it'd be like January and uh my producer would come up to me and go oh the the Wynn Hotel wants us to come back for March Madness and do a special live show at the casino and i'd be like yeah all right and she'd go so you want to set that up and i'd be like ah just hold off on that well they want an answer all right well then fuck it go ahead and do it like but it was like i knew everything was coming to an end and we were talking

about shit to do over the summer and stuff like that and so it was really weird having these conversations right it's like knowing you're going to get divorced and your wife's making vacation plans for the end of the summer and you're going to serve her papers in two weeks it's like time travel and you're like she's going you think acapulco would be awesome or should we go to honolulu and you're like whatever doesn't matter to me and so at the the very end, they said to me, by the way, you're not going to New York, and we are still blowing up the station. And I was like, oh, all right.

So that was the end of that. You were going to go to New York? I didn't know. I had no idea at that point. There are no jobs in radio. There's no way to monetize a podcast i don't know what a podcast is i'm not i don't i'm not doing live shows at that stage of my career i got nothing going on in a pretty big monthly nut and not as big as the one you toss at the wall for the folks

who come into the motel six to enjoy shortly after you vacate your room you sick fuck but it's still a pretty good sized nut right so i'm sitting there wondering what to do and my buddy goes podcast and i was like well how the fuck's that work donnie at the uh warehouse this is podcast and i said how's it work he said you speak your opinion and you and i are the same way we like we like to hear ourselves talk and we have opinions and so i said yeah fuck it and i and out I said, well, how much you think this is going to cost? He said, do you buy two microphones and a laptop? And oh, and then a little bit for bandwidth.

And I said, well, how much? Oh, it's like, I don't know, 500 bucks a month or something. And I was like, oh, I guess I could afford that. Let's try it. And then then it was like nine grand for the first month of bandwidth. And I was like, oh, I guess I could afford that. Let's try it. And then it was like nine grand for the first month of bandwidth. And I was like, holy shit. And so it got down to me spending like 100 grand out of my own pocket just to do it pro bono with the notion that one day it might turn into a business. And that's really the process we're in right now.

Wow. So how did you go about, I mean, you have like this giant staff, this huge, you have a big room, man. And all these employees working and people working video switches. And how did you go about finding all these people and putting everything together? Most of the people would hear the podcast and just go like, hey, man, I'm digging what you're doing. And I'm a whatever student and, you know, work for seven bucks an hour and could i come down there and they just want to be a part of something you know just in a sort of organic kind of way i'm sure you've gotten your offers yeah if i didn't have a podcast in my house that would be much more compelling but the problem

is it's in my house i'm not some fucking weirdo off the internet that's why i met this guy right that's what i'm saying you don't need another jizz flinger in there, fucking. Yeah. So you had no idea when you first started doing it that it would ever become what it is now. You were just trying to figure it out and just do it and see what it became. I never have any ideas about anything

before they are what they are. You know, I just set, I just embark upon the journey. I don't really look that far down the road. I mean, I'm not going to walk off a cliff. I trust that I'm moving in the right direction, but I never have expectations. And, you know, I have notions. Well, you know, let's, it's sort of like this. It's sort of, you know, you know, I probably got it a lot from, from building because building is a process that goes from shitty to good, which is to say the first part of building is, you know, permits and applications and you cut and checks to the

city for nothing and inspectors and plan inspect, you know, plan inspection and all that kind of stuff. And it's nothing. It's just a bunch of money and a bunch of papers. You have nothing. And then you start demoing and digging stuff up and digging footings and grade beams and blah, blah, blah and putting in rebar and waiting for concrete and all that. But still, it's nothing.

There's no shape to it. It's just a hole in the ground, and you're literally dumping money into this hole in the ground. But then at a certain point, the cement dries, and you strip away the forms, and you start to frame. And when you start to frame, you get to actually see the shape of the structure start to unfold before your eyes.

But it's still like it's wide open. It doesn't keep the cold out or the heat in or anything. But you can start to imagine about what it might what it'd be like to put down that hardwood flooring and to see all the cool top-notch viking stoves and you know sub-zeros going into the kitchen and all that well that's the part you look forward to but if you're closing your eyes and picturing your new Viking stove arriving when you're forming your slab, you're going to fuck up your slab. Just focus on the form and know that you'll get to the Viking one day. But for now, you're just forming.

Heavy. That is heavy. That's heavy and correct. I mean, that's being in the moment. You sort of have an idea that it's eventually going to come together. Yes. But right now, you're just framing it. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

But let me just form the best way I can form today. Yeah. I don't really plan things out that much either. I mean, we didn't plan this out. We started this out on a laptop. Literally, we're sitting right in front of one of these, and we had fucking snowflakes coming down on the Ustream broadcast and we fucked around with music and all kinds of different things.

And then eventually we figured out how to do it the way we're doing it now. But it's still evolving. It's still, it's, but for us, it's been the best tool ever for getting people to come into the clubs. And that's one of the things that you've done to sort of monetize it. You started doing live podcasts and then live stand-up. And I remember when we did the improv together, the Irvine Improv, it was one of the first times I think, or the first time you had ever done stand-up

in like fucking 10 plus years and killed. You went out there and killed and you did it like you'd been doing it all along. It was pretty fun. It was pretty fun to watch. Yeah, it always sort of maybe had it in me, it was pretty fun it was pretty fun to watch yeah it always sort of maybe had it in me but i never i never pursued it i remember talking to you when we did love line fucking many many years ago and you were telling me ah stand up the audience i didn't like the audiences i didn't like you know you know i didn't like it i didn't like it and i was like wow that

doesn't make any sense to me because you're funny and you like to rant on things like you just condense that package it put it on stage. I mean, it is what it is. Like, the rush of making 300 people plus, you know, laugh, and when you're killing in front of a large crowd, how could you not enjoy that? It's weird because I get less out of that than I get out of what we're doing right now.

Really? Yeah, because that's an environment, and you get the energy of the environment. But right now there's somebody with earbuds in each ear and they're either walking their dog or they're walking on a treadmill or they're walking their dog on a treadmill, which would be fun. And what we're saying is penetrating deep. And that's more of a party where you're just kind of getting caught up into it versus a serious deep penetration. And I'm really interested in just sort of taking my ideas and inserting them into you more than I am sort of entertaining you, so to speak. You know what I mean?

That's interesting. So why did you start doing stand-up then, just to monetize? I just did it for the money and I, and I did it. And you know, it's funny cause people do that thing where they go, Hey, why'd you do this? Or why'd you do that?

And the answer is for the money, but it doesn't mean I don't dig it. And it doesn't mean especially, you know, cause I've had this, this problem in the past where I said, look, uh,

I'm going out to, you know, Kansas city, Milwaukee. And, look, I'm going out to Kansas City, Milwaukee, and one more place. Wiltern Theater. Oh, Wiltern Theater in May and so on and so forth, and Portland and wherever. And if someone said, hey, you want to come out and do a show for free, the answer would be no. So thus, the answer is I'm doing it for the money.

I mean, sad, but it's true it's not sad now here's the deal it doesn't mean i'm not gonna fucking show up and kick ass as a matter of fact if i was doing it for free i'd just pull up a stool and go charlie sheen on your ass i don't do that i i realize that everyone is there paid 40 $40, $50, $60 for a ticket. We're in a theater and I'm going to fucking burn some calories. I sweat through a T-shirt for you guys telling jokes and trying to amuse you for 90 minutes. So would I rather be home watching my TiVo? Hi.

Yes. Am I doing it for the money? Yes. Am I also doing it because I just have the ability to do it i mean it comes easily to me it's not i'm not trying to sound like a douchebag but it's like a sport you know it's not it's not a grinder for me it's not a well it's because of what you you do on the podcast and i mean you can't say it comes easy to you what i mean you can but i mean the reason why it comes easy to you is because you're doing, it's like someone who does all this power lifting and plyometrics and throws medicine

balls around, and then someone teaches you how to choke somebody, and you're like, wow, jujitsu came pretty easy to me. Well, that's because you're a fucking crazy physical specimen, you fuck. Right. And like with you, what you're doing is you're constantly ranting and constantly piecing together ideas and constantly pointing out things that don't. That's stand up. You're doing stand up.

You're right. And it is a muscle that gets exercised. But either way, when we go do a show, I'm not pacing around in my hotel room, you know, nervous, ducking salvos of jizz at Brian's Rose. Like I'm, it's easy for me when I do it yeah and so you get paid well it comes easily and why the fuck not I've actually been enjoying it in in this weird sort of uh curious case of Benjamin Benjamin Buttons where I've been going backwards. I started off on TV and I'm discovering my stand-up in my

40s, which is insane because everyone else starts off in stand-up and gets away from it. And you've only been doing stand-up for about a year now, right? Yeah. That's about a year. But you've already put together a full hour. 90 minutes. That's amazing. Are you writing this stuff down or these are just rants that you categorize? put together a full hour you know and you're 90 minutes 90 minutes and you're out there crashing

that's amazing well are you writing this stuff down or are you just these are just rants that you categorize i kind of the rants that i categorize and i and i sort of have cues that help me figure out what it is i want to say and then it doesn't come out exactly the same every night right either yeah but yeah it's it's it's i and i sort of mix and match. I guess it'd be like a jam band that had a bunch of songs and changed the set list up on a nightly basis. And maybe they'd never get that good on one song, but yet they could freeform if they had to. And they would never get boring for them because they're constantly mixing the set up. Sort of that with me.

I never do my set the exact same way every time either. I mix things up all the time. I know pretty much before I go on stage what I'm going to get into right away, but I always leave the door open for something else. I always leave the door open. If I get on stage and for whatever reason this thought pops in my head, I'll run with that

and then eventually get to the planned opening. And then once I get the first bit out of the way, it's more important to me to get that one solid chunk. Just get that out tight and smash it. And then once that's out and everyone's laughing, then we're going to go wherever. Then the ball's moving, the momentum's going. Let's go wherever the fuck we want to go. I'm the same way. It's like that first 20 minutes, you just want to be solid.

You want to get everyone on your side and just get that first 20, for me, 20, 25 minutes. And then it's like, all right, we've established this. Now we have some room for lateral movement. I'm really big on that with opening acts, too. I always tell them, when guys open up for me, I say the best thing you can do out there is don't fuck around in the beginning. Don't just try a new bit out when you first get on stage. This is a cold audience, okay? This is, you know, a lot of guys that are on the road, like I take guys on the road with me, they're used to doing sets in Hollywood.

And they're used to going up and doing 10, 15-minute sets when there's a host and a bunch of other people in the show. I'm like, this is a different experience, man. These are people who don't know who you are coming to see me. So they're, they're willing to let you be funny, but you got to go out there and go tight right away. You got to gain their confidence. It's the most important thing. If people don't know who you are, gain their confidence right away. You got to do solid, tight material right up front, Get them laughing and go, all right, this guy's a fucking pro. And then they relax and they settle in. They have a smile on their face and they're looking forward to hearing you. And then you're smooth.

Then smooth sailing. But if you start off chunky and fucked up, then you've got to constantly re-earn their respect. You'll struggle through your entire set. It's like going out on a first date by shoving your cock through the mail slot. Save it for the third date. Let's get the confidence. Save it for when she loves you and she knows you're crazy. Let's get the confidence level up.

There's a video. I watched it online, but it's apparently pulled from YouTube. But I saw it the other night. HBO's Talking Funny. It's Louis C.K., Ricky Gervais, Chris Rock, and Jerry Seinfeld. It's fucking great, man. And I'm pursuing this now. It's one of the reasons why I've always thought that this podcast

in and of itself could be a television show. I was trying to pitch a show based around the podcast, but the show that I was pitching, it was like really produced, and there was all these little segments that we would do every week. And then I thought about it and I'm like, I don't like that. I'm like, I like the idea of a podcast because I like the idea of people sitting around and talking about interesting shit. And it's, it's fun and amusing to watch. And it was proof positive to me watching that talking funny thing. Cause it was just four comics sitting around talking about stand-up and it was fucking great man especially louis ck man he him and chris rock but louis ck especially he's my um my number one inspiration right now that guy is uh i love what

he does i mean stand-up wise material wise my favorite guy is stanhope i think stanhope is to me he, he's fucking fully out there. He really is a wild fuck, getting drunk every night. He lives in Bisbee, Arizona. Doug Stan Hope. When you first said Stan Hope, I thought there's a dude named Stan Hope.

Like Bob Hope's grandson is doing stand-up now? I'm sorry, I'm preaching to the converted. Stan Hope. To the choir. Yeah, Doug Stanhope. Because Stanhope has a fucking house, and the windowsills on the outside of the house are painted lopsided. He's fucking crazy. His house is like bright yellow with green and shit. And he's a nut.

He literally is that guy. He's not an act. He's not faking. He does all his shows in rock clubs. He sells all of his tickets on brownpaperbag.com or whatever the fuck it is brown paper tickets so everything is like all produced in-house everything he does is all him he doesn't go through any other normal channels he has all of his fans they show up and see him all over the world and he goes on these fucking drunken jaeger

bomb rants and they're fucking awesome i mean his stand-up to me, his material to me, as a fan, is my favorite to watch. Joey Diaz is still, I think, the funniest guy, and if I'm going to watch a 10-minute set of anybody on the planet, I would watch Joey Diaz. Because Joey Diaz, when Joey Diaz crushes, when he really fucking slams it home, nobody's funnier than him. But as far as a long set, Stanhope is the man for me. I enjoy his material.

But I really enjoy... I'm sorry, but I really enjoy Louis C.K. I enjoy his material as well. I think he's a brilliant comedian. But I really enjoy his work ethic. I really enjoy his philosophy on stand-up and how he breaks it down. I find it, as a comic, so inspiring

because he throws away his whole act every year. He writes a whole act. He writes a full hour, hour and whatever minutes, films it for whatever, Showtime or HBO, who the fuck wants to buy it. And then he throws it out and starts from scratch. And because of that, because everybody knows that he does that, he's got this massively loyal following. People can't wait to come and see him because they know, hey, we saw Louis last year. You think he's going to be doing the same material? no he's not going to be doing the same material it's going to be all new you know and maybe if you yell out bag of dicks he'll do you know his bag of

dicks joke but for the most part this guy's got 90 new fucking minutes every 12 months you know and to me man that's just i hear shit like that and i get fired up like i want to i want to sit in front of the keyboard i want to start writing you know it makes me like it gets I get fired up. I want to sit in front of the keyboard. I want to start writing. It gets me jazzed up. I get tired, actually. I don't know anyone's stand-up act. I've never seen anyone's stand-up act. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I've never

followed stand-up. Really? I have no interest in it. That's so funny. I'm an idiot. I just watch Hitler in color and then I just watch Ultimate Factories. I'm such a gearhead. I have no interest in comedy.

Why don't Top Gear, why don't they fucking snatch you up? Fire one of those fucking... I'm working on a show for Speed Channel. Fire everyone who's not Adam Ferrara. As we're speaking. But it's weird. I have such a gearhead brain that the second I'm done doing any comedy, my mind shifts to vintage race cars, and I never think about comedy.

That's hilarious. Wow. I don't dislike comedy or anything. I just have no idea what's going on. I don't know any of the comedians. I've never seen their act. That's crazy. Do you worry about parallel thinking, though, because of that? Do you worry about going on this long rant, and then you find out, oh, that's on Patton Oswalt's second CD?

Oh, it happens. It's got to happen. I was just watching SNL a couple of weeks ago, and Zach Galifianakis got up there, and he said something that I'd said on Stern Show and on my radio show 10 years ago. And it was almost the exact joke that i said i don't think he ripped me off that motherfucker blame brody stevens i just if you're gonna if you're gonna name a body spray uh called axe you're gonna you're gonna there's gonna be a joke about it involves the black community and and i just happen to say it on Stern and, you know, when Axe came out. But I don't think that Zach Galifianakis was listening.

It could have very easily been that SNL did it, that those writers did it. There's a huge issue with monologue writers. No, that was definitely, that was his act. I could tell he was doing his stand-up. Really? Well, like, you know, that thing where you go, look, you want to host SNL. I've never hosted SNL, but you want to host SNL,

and you say it to a comedian, and instead of collecting a bunch of jokes from guys who don't really know your voice, you just go, fuck it, I'll do my, I'll do a real familiar

five minutes of my act at the top. I know it. I'm confident with it. And then we'll get into the rest of the show. That's what it felt like. Did you have any desire

to host SNL? no I don't I wish I did but I don't it just seems like something that doesn't have to do with cars or building to me wow that's hilarious

you're that much into it that's all I think about I don't have any desire to host SNL SNL to me is like you gotta eat 99 pounds of shit to find that one juicy steak at the bottom of it.

Right. Oh, there's a juicy 16 ounce T-bone at the bottom of all this shit that I had to eat. I think it's more of a jelly belly, but yeah.

Has Dr. Drew ever talked to you about addiction of cars? Because that is an addiction and you probably spend a lot of money on it. Yeah, but what is the difference between

an addiction and an interest that you get enjoyment out of that's positive? I think when people throw around that word addiction all the time. I can tell you what the definition is. Go ahead. It's continuing in that activity in the face of adversity.

And it's like essentially if your wife says I'm going to leave you, if you keep up with fill in the blank, if your boss says he'm going to leave you, if you keep up with fill in the blank, you know, if your boss says he's going to fire you, if you keep up with the booze drinking or the pill popping or the jizz tossing or whatever, whatever you're doing and you keep doing it and then you lose your job and then you get divorced and then you lose your home. You know, that's addiction. That's addiction. If you can be, and there's such things as functional addicts as well, but the real sort of definition is, is it ruining your quality of life? Like, are you having trouble? Or do you like cars more than you like your job or your wife?

That's a possibility as well. I do think about them more, but I also understand that it makes me work. Right, because you need to fund this habit. I want the car and I want the garage and I want the whatever. So I have to fund the habit. Just like a junkie has to steal stereos. The first person that ever, I was dating a girl in New York, was the first person that ever told me that I had an addiction.

That was pool. I was playing pool 8 to 10 hours a day. Oh really? Yeah, I was playing in tournaments. I got obsessed. Wow. I tore my ACL ligament and I couldn't do Taekwondo. I couldn't kickbox for a while. I had to get reconstructive surgery and the whole deal. And a buddy of mine and I started playing pool and it started out just knocking balls around two retards had played in a bar before. No, I didn't know how to play. And then I met guys that really could play. And when you watch like real pool players, you watch them and you go, Oh, it's about gambling. They're

gambling and there's money on the line. And then it's about tournaments. And then, you know, you get to see pros play. And I just became obsessed with these balls moving around on this cloth and the fact that you have to figure out exactly how hard to hit the ball to make it collide with this other ball. And you got to judge the angle. And it became a massive obsession. And the girl I was dating said, you have to choose. You have to choose between me or pool. And I said, rack them up. I had the same thing with foosball,

but I've been there. I'm not saying it wasn't as bad, but it was seven, eight hours. Foosball does not rule. I love fucking, do you have your own foosball table? I play alone. Play alone?

Play the old, because that's really all you're really battling in life is yourself you know what I mean I love foosball foosball alone what a concept

yeah that's the only addiction that I've ever had where someone well and pool again when I was in Hollywood when I first came to LA I didn't have any friends

so the first thing I started doing was just entering pool tournaments I was like well now I know what I'm going to do on Friday night you know if I don't have

a set somewhere I'm going to go enter a pool tournament. I'm going to find a pool hall to play. And then Sussman pulled me aside and said, I think you're concentrating on pool more than your own career. It was true. I wasn't writing any jokes. I was just fucking practicing running out. I was just going over patterns in my head and watching Acustats tapes

of classic Johnny Archer versus Earl Strickland matches from the early 90s. Right. Dissecting his run out. Plus, it was affecting his comedy because I caught him back in the day and he'd be like, all right, so anyway, this dude's playing a Brunswick with a pretty fast felt and he goes for the bridge. Felt? I don't know.

Everyone's just stuck with felt. Felt revealed yourself. Oh, man, I got to pee, Joe. What the hell time is it? There's a bathroom right there, man. Go in there and take a left. It is 448. You have to bolt?

You do. Yeah, I do. I got to go. I got to try to beat my warehouse in like the next 25 minutes. Okay, well, you know what we're going to do? We're going to pause it, and Brian and I will come out. We'll close it out because we're going to do another half an hour because we usually do about two hours.

But thank you very much for doing the podcast, man. Like I said, if it wasn't for you and doing your podcast, I probably never would have started this thing in the first place. You're one of my favorite dudes to talk to. You're one of my favorite guys to go on your show because you've always got a unique and interesting perspective that I might not have ever

considered. There's not a lot of guys like that out there, man. What Brian Cowan said about you really is true. You truly are the best at going on these crazy rants that lead to conclusions. I'll start rants off, but then 10 minutes into my rant, I'll be like, what the fuck are we even talking about, man? Fire up that vaporizer. But you'll actually come to conclusions on them.

You're a very unique cat, man. The whole thing that you're doing with stand-up and the thing that you're doing with your podcast, it's great stuff, man. Thanks. Thank you very much for being on the show. Thank you. So that's it for Adam Carolla. Adam Carolla's show at the Wiltern is May 21st. May 21st.

Is this a live podcast show or stand-up? No, it's a stand-up show. Yeah. Jimmy's going to join me out there, too. Well, good. I think I'm home, so I'm coming, too. I'm going to join me out there, too. Well, good. I think I'm home, so I'm coming, too. I'm going to be there.

What day is that? That is Saturday, May 21st. And, yeah, L.A. is a bitch, as we'd always talked about. L.A. is a bitch how? Come on out. It's tough to sell tickets in L.A. It's not Seattle or Portland. Do you find that, though,

was it because there's so much shit going on here? What do you think it is? I mean, I'll be... I'll give you the numbers. Like, you know, the Moore Theater. You know, you played the Moore Theater in Seattle that holds, you know. 1,800. 1,800 people. The Wiltern holds 1,800 people or so.

And it's like the Moore sellout on a Sunday night without really burning too many calories. You know, it's like two weeks out we're 1400 tickets sold you know it's gonna go clean as they say it's good we'll turn you know 850 tickets sold you know we got a month to go so it'll probably be okay but it's it's it's tough sledding like you gotta fucking get on it and hit it and work it and go come on people yeah it's going to be a fun night whereas the other shows are like yeah you know running with weights on here right in sand yeah it is there's there's you know it just you know we're we're going to milwaukee and we're going to uh kansas city and we're going to what the hell's the other place uh you got milwaukee friday got kansas city saturday and you have uh let's see uh california sold out yeah 12th uh if they want then go to

adamcrow.com go to adamcrow.com but uh yeah but see for me it's my hometown i'm from la so it sucks because anyone it's like a an irish fighter fighting in the you know in Dublin. And everyone's like, eh, fuck it, we're staying home. Like, it sucks. You know, for me, this is my hometown. And so it's like the Wiltern is the theater that's like, you know, that is my holy shit. I can't believe I'm playing this place. And now I want to fill it up because obviously you play Portland

and it's half full house. That's fine. You don't feel great about it, but that's Portland. You didn't grow up in Portland. I grew up in L.A. Well, L.A. has so many fucking options. That's the problem. I know.

Let's not exercise any of them on the 21st. Don't do that, folks. The 21st, Wiltern Theater. I may be in Boston. I'm doing this Kevin James MMA movie. Kevin James is playing an MMA fighter, and I have to play myself. Well, tell everyone you're going to be there. Listen, if I can make it, I will be there.

That is Saturday the 21st. Thank you very much, brother. Everybody else, stay tuned. The YouTube folks, I'm going to walk Adam out, and we'll be right back.