The Joe Rogan Experience - #1016 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: September 27, 2017

Whitney Cummings is a stand up comedian and actress. She is best known as the creator and star of the NBC sitcom Whitney, as well as the co-creator of the CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls. Her new book "I'm Fine.... and Other Lies" will be released on October 3.

I need fear tactics. This video will not get demonetized. Watch. We're getting demonetized already. What's happening? Are we going? We're live! Oh god, this is so stressful. Why do you need scare tactics? Because it takes me so much, so many threats and so much pain to change my habits.

But you're so self-examinatory. That's not the right word. That's called neurotic. But it's not really. That's a very nice synonym for it. Thank you. See, if you were not getting anything done, I would agree with you. Oh, interesting. It's not paralyzing. Yeah. I do, I come from such a

dysfunctional, not even the word, I feel like that's lost its value. I come from a very sick family and I'm very determined to not be sick. Right. So I'm trying hard to. But you get a lot of shit done. See, I don't, I don't agree with this, like the, the idea of paralyzing. It may like hinder in some way, shape or form or cause obstacles, but you maneuver around

those obstacles. So I don't, I don't agree with you. It's tricky. I mean, how do you, I definitely would say, would identify as self-analytical, but like, do you think that's part of being a good comedian is being able to analyze yourself and your neuroses? Yeah, for sure. If you can't see yourself, it's going to be super hard to get other people to relate to you. Because if there's some obvious blind spots that they see that you're not addressing.

It's my nightmare to not be self-aware and have everybody know something about me that I don't know. I am in constant paranoia. And we know people who don't know themselves and who can't see themselves. And it terrifies me. Well, that's what bothers us about those people. It's not necessarily that those people are that annoying. What it is is we're terrified of seeing that in ourselves. A hundred percent.

Because the antithesis of a comedian is somebody who can't see the truth and can't look in a mirror. And that's my nightmare. Well, I think we all know, and I think anybody knows is trying to do anything, whatever you're trying to do. Are you trying to start a business or write a book or what you just did? Ha. Ha. Is there a word of that in there? Okay, bye.

Whatever you're doing, whatever you're doing, it's going to be, it's going to test you, right? It's going to be difficult. There's no, no one is going to like get through it, you know, all in one incredibly smooth linear process. It's going to be like weird shit you know and all in one incredibly smooth linear process it's going to be like weird shit that happens along the way and when when you see someone who's not doing it correctly in your eyes or not doing it to the best of their abilities or fucking off or being delusional it scares the shit out of you because you're like god damn it that could be me and i could lose a year of everything i've been concentrating on to like deny i i lived in

denial i think for a long time and um i was sort of like sleepwalking through life and kind of like unconscious i think for like a lot of my teens and early 20s due to like some fucked up shit that i saw and lived and it was all survival mechanisms but i just always want to make sure that i've disarmed those and dethawed those and i'm not like just being a puppet of my fear. Right. But I think like to give you more credit than you give yourself, I think that that self examinatory, self-reflecting aspect of it, which seems to you to like this be as constant self-criticism is just almost like a watcher, like a watcher over your thoughts to make sure you keep this fucking thing together.

You crazy bitch. Come on. Here we go. But along the way, look at the things you've accomplished. See, like, I don't think you've been I mean, you haven't been impeded by it as much as you've been aware of it. Yeah, that's the idea. And I definitely think I need to stop. We live in this world of constant feedback. And I guess my thing is like I give myself enough feedback. I don't also need your feedback with the likes and the replies and the trolls and the Reddits and the whatever. So I think that that magnified it a little bit. And I had to do like a little bit of a social media Internet cleansing where I didn't sort of constantly like go down the wormhole of like people trashing and being negative.

That's good just as a matter of resources. You know, 24 hours seems like a lot of time until you start dissecting it into things you actually enjoy doing. And how much time do you actually really have with eating and sleeping and traveling and commuting and eating? Furious hole punching in the wall. Furiously masturbating and crying in the tub yeah what do you uh you know how much time do you really have left you got to be careful with your time yeah no agree i'm pretty um hardcore about protecting my time i used to not be before i got a handle on like my codependence anyone who wanted to go on a fucking hike i was at runyon every morning

ever i was getting coffee and i just like i don't do that shit anymore That's like one of the biggest problems with conspiracy theories One of the biggest problems with people that get involved in conspiracy theories they go Remember what the fuck is this didn't see that coming who was um? Hmm Kevin Costner Kevin Klaus that JFK movie yeah I wrote my seniors honors thesis on the postmodern implications of JFK. Did you really? Yes. What do you think about JFK?

Isn't that weird? I don't have a ton of thoughts on JFK. Like, I'm not an authority on it. The movie is unbelievable, I believe, at the time. It had the most cuts of any movie. And I was obsessed with postmodernism at the time, like Jean Baudrillard. So I was, like, obsessed with him using, using like archive footage and reenacted footage and new footage and old footage and just the way that he told the story was brilliant.

I don't know. I think in terms, you mean JFK's assassination? Yeah. I was actually thinking. The whole subject. I'm, I just in the last couple of days got annoyed at JFK as the president. He was the most telegenic president and the first televised president basically. Right.

He kind of. Well, Eisenhower definitely had been on TV. A bunch of guys had been on TV, but TV was a different thing in 1963 than it was in 53. He was the first like star. Yes. Right. Tan, handsome. He was the first president who was like after him, presidents had to start being handsome

and charismatic. And I was just in some arguments this week where people were like, well, Hillary just wasn't charismatic. And I'm like, who fucking cares? Like, since when is that the number one box that a president has to check?

Not like qualified or like, we want magic people. Yes, we do. We want, we want cult leaders. Well, yeah,

we want someone that comes out of nowhere that also doesn't want to fuck all the time. Correct. Correct. Correct. We want someone that can figure it all out and has all of these key attributes of a leader. But we don't want that leader conqueror mindset. Correct. We want to have our cake and eat it too.

But JFK was the first handsome president. From then on, presidents had to look healthy. I don't want my president looking healthy. I want him looking tired and anemic. I don't want him to have been at Martha's Vineyard getting a tan. Can you imagine a time where we have a president that everyone likes? No. That's crazy.

I mean, I kind of. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, but that's just our tribalism, right? We're not really designed to live in tribes over like 60 people, right? Of course. This is all just madness. Yeah, it's total madness. We're not designed for it.

Yeah, we're bad. It's like. But is it possible that someone can achieve some sort of, I mean, even if you achieve some Martin Luther King Jr. state. Yeah. You know, or you're that level of speaker. And although you were a black guy, you were so obviously super intelligent. Yeah. You know, or you're that level of speaker. And although you were a black guy, you were so obviously super intelligent and so spiritual that even racists had to go, Damn, he's making a lot of good kids.

He's kind of sexy too, right? I love that guy. His fucking way of speaking was so, it was like a song. It was, it was like he had this, this it was almost like a sorry to denigrate Martin Luther King by saying but he had the cadence of like a comedian who was like in the rhythm like he was hypnotic in the way that he spoke oh yeah do not judge a man by the color of his skin but by the content of his character like why like how like where did it and does that come from preachers right is that like preacher yeah it's like musical that was why kinnison was so good kinnison was an amazing preacher right he

was one of those hellfire tent preachers great there's video or at least audio maybe video as well of him doing a tent revival and it's fucking incredible to see that it's just all about the rhythm and the jesus it is but it's also just the electricity which is like you know people are always like how do i do comedy and how do i just stand up do i write jokes it's like yeah you can write jokes you can do this you can do 10 000 hours you can do whatever but like do you can you deliver electricity on demand i don't know how to teach you that you can't teach someone that no. And that's the thing about a guy like Kennison, too. It's like, what he was doing, like, you know, he was talking about the power of the Lord and the power of God and the power of Jesus and say his name and he's stomping around

on stage. And, you know, and then the God, God is alive. And the thing is, he was doing it so good that he was right. He was doing it so good that the people who were watching got a feeling from it. Like, oh my God, I feel the Lord. I feel the Lord. And maybe you and I are too skeptical. Maybe we're fools.

Maybe we're fools because we can't just give in to it. Maybe we're fools that we can't just sit there and watch some guy go off. Maybe we're fools that we don't just speak in tongues, just let it all go. I know. I mean, I'm too much of a fucking control. I'm just a science freak. I'm like, but what about statistics? Yeah, of course. I love the Lord, but are there some metrics to go with that?

Something's happening. Why are they getting so happy? Obviously, he's exciting them. He's inspiring them. He's giving them some sort of almost like mental placebo effect. Yeah. They really do feel like they're. I mean, you really do get dopamine from someone being a leader and taking charge.

So like just entertain the thought that that's what God is. That God is those moments, you know, and they're more and more extreme as we get more and more evolved. But those moments where people sort of figured out and get together and lock on, whatever that energy is. But sometimes they lock on and they decide to kill Jews. Yeah, but they don't. You know, sometimes they get together and like, I have a good idea and it's a bad idea

and they all start locking on. They don't do it unopposed, though. You can use it for evil or you can use it for good, I feel like. Well, definitely the whole biological instinct of humans can go south. It can get western with people. Yeah, real quick. Which is why people should be really terrified of anybody who assumes any sort of position of power,

even the state itself. That's what freaks me out about all these people that want Marxism and socialism. It's like, how much money do you want to give to taxes? You want people to pay 90% taxes. Do you understand that that means someone is getting that money? Do you understand that entity getting that money, the government, is going to want more of it?

They grow. They just keep growing. The only trick about that is like you're so smart and you're like the word understand, it has no place in people trying to feel safe. Like we're just these visceral animals who are just like, am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe? Like our brains are only designed to keep us alive. They're not designed to make us think logically.

And you're not safe. You know, one safe. You're safe right now. We are a trash bag full of blood. Not even. Liv texting and driving. We are about to die every 20 minutes.

They make some good trash bags. Those hefty lawn bags. They do. You can shove sticks in there and shit. We are, I mean, I can't, but every day I'm like, how did I make it through?

How did I survive this day? Why aren't I dead? Everything should kill us. I mean, I think it was in that book Sapiens, just the idea that like, you know, so much of our anxiety comes from the fact that we all know that we're only subconsciously at the top of the food chain. Like we should not be at the top of the food chain. It's only because we developed weapons.

Like we know that at any point, like we deserve, I mean, we deserve our life expectancy to be like 16. But I think developing the weapons is also what led to us getting like this. Here, but we're so vulnerable. But I think all this vulnerable stuff came along with the advent of inventions. Yeah. I think that when we, obviously I'm an idiot, but don't listen to me. But I would think that when we didn't have anything other than what the animals had,

our instincts, claws, and fangs. But we can't sleep outside overnight. I mean, you could. You can. You're actually the only one person I know who could probably live outside. Living outside sucks. Anybody could do it. But it's not good.

Yeah. But we're not designed for elements. We're not anymore. Right. We're so infantilized at this point. I think we're getting closer and closer to those fucking gray aliens that you see in the movies. I think that's what we're going to be.

A giant head, little skinny arms and that's what those things are. I've been thinking about this a lot. That's a hipster. They're in those villas. They're everywhere. They have vintage glasses on

instead of black eyes. They're in Echo Park. There's a fucking great commercial. I don't know what it's for but it's a hipster and Danny Trio and Danny Trio's a bartender, and some

hipster is asking for this custom craft beer that's leather, but not shoes, like a belt. And he's going through all this hit woody, earthy, he's going through all this different, it's really funny. And Danny Trio's staring at him with his no-nonsense face. You know that dude, the tattooed up Mexican dude? Yeah, oh no, I'm aware. Yeah, that guy's awesome. Oh, I know Danny Trejo. It's a fucking hilarious commercial. Well, you know, I mean, I can

finally talk about this, but it took me getting my ear bitten off by a dog to realize how fucking vulnerable we are. Oh yeah. It happened. I didn't, I didn't see it come. It just, my ear was gone. And this is a rescue dog that you had? It was a dog that was at the Carson shelter and was about to be euthanized. I try to grab any dog that's going to be euthanized. He came in. He had been taken from his mother too young. He wasn't neutered. Didn't have spatial intelligence yet.

It wasn't his fault. He didn't attack me. Their mouth is their hands. And when they're taken from their mother too young, they don't learn manners, basically. So I also made the mistake of not establishing myself as the alpha. I was just like felt so sorry for him. And I pitied him instead of doing the right thing. Like all my dogs, I established myself as the alpha.

They're not allowed to lick me. They're not allowed to jump on me. And I let him do that. And I pushed him off me. And it just you don't allow your dogs to lick you or jump on you. I sometimes but I have to end it before they end it. But I generally I generally don't. Wow, that's deep.

It's not ideal. That's deep. Yeah, because every now and then you do need them to really respect you when a car is coming when they get out. And it is a dominant thing to lick you and to jump on you. That's weird. Why? Because I never thought of that like that. Yeah.

But I do have these moments with my puppy. I have a puppy. I guess he's like 10 months old now, maybe 11. Neutered? Not yet, no. And he's just a super sweetheart. Super sweetheart. Golden, right?

Yeah. Yeah, they're just like humans. And sometimes he doesn't want to kiss me. Like sometimes he shies away from kissing me. And then once he kisses me me he realizes it's okay then he kisses me a bunch yeah and uh he's reluctant to climb on top of me except in a submissive position he climbs on top of me and lifts his arms up in the air so i can rub his belly this is very good news so um when you make eye contact with him does he look away a little

bit that's good that's what you want you want it so whenever i have to ascertain whether a dog is dominant or not i look them in the eyes and if they don't look away i have a dominant dog and that's a problem so you have to do all these things you gotta like put them on their back you gotta like hold them down until they exhale um that's a problem you don't you dogs um when they don't have an alpha they're designed to have a leader they love discipline and when they don't it's just it's chaos and most people are not in control of their animals. Yeah, that's interesting. We do a lot of things. Like we make him sit before he comes in the house.

We make him stay with the door wide open. They love that. I'll put his food out. He has to stay. And you walk through a dog. You never walk around a dog. Like if your dog's in front of you, you walk right through him. Just bump him out of the way.

You're going to knee him. You just get him out of the way. Right. Because you're in my house instead of I'm going to walk around you. That's interesting. Because I have two other dogs. I have a Mastiff and I have, he's a sweetie too. Well, they're the sweetest.

This dog, my kids ride him. Like you can ride him. Like he's just like such a big teddy bear. I have a great Dane Pitbull who's like kind of looks like a Mastiff. Well, Johnny Cash is his name and he's what's called a Regency Mastiff. And the Regency Mastiff is half Neapolitan Mastiff and half pit bull. What were they bred for?

Oh, if it has pit bull then for fighting bulls. The guy who bred it was one of, he had dogs that he brought on Fear Factor and they used them as attack dogs and it was fucking hilarious because we used to have people that they would get these Belgian Malinois on people. Those dogs are.

They're ferocious. They're monsters. Yeah. That's what they use. Those are police dogs. Those dogs look at you so different than any other dog. They have like a look of like, just give me the green light, dad. Yes.

And they grab and they shake. Oh. I know someone who they grabbed face, shook his face. Oh God. Yeah. They don't fuck around. But they're smaller. Yeah.

They're a smaller dog. Yeah. They're like a 60, 70 pound dog. Like just a taut ball of wire. Yeah. They don't fuck around. But they're smaller. Yeah. They're a smaller dog. Yeah. They're like a 60, 70 pound dog, like just a taut ball of wire. Yeah. But these Regency Massifs are 140 and they're tanks. Did you ever see that stupid movie, The Hulk, with Eric, with, what's his name, Banna? There are a couple. Eric Banna.

Eric Banna, yeah. I thought, didn't Norton do one also? Yes. Okay. His was better. Okay. But the Banna one, Nick Nolte was, I can't believe we're talking about this two podcasts in a row. Nick Nolte was the dad.

You just talked about this? What? But I forgot to bring up this one crucial part. Yeah. Nick Nolte was Eric Banna's dad, and he injected these dogs with this Hulk serum. So these pit bulls became Hulk pit bulls to attack the Hulk. Oh, Jesus. It was so stupid.

That sounds amazing. But the dog that they used to model the Hulk pit bull was Curly. Curly was my dog's dad. Oh, wow. Royalty. So it's this insane tank of a dog. That's the sweetest dog you've ever seen. That's like the image that they drew for the renderings.

That's like the dog that bit my ear off. It looks exactly like him. Show what the actual dog looked like in the movie. It was like a giant hulked out pit bull. See, I would rescue that dog. That's in the movie. It looks exactly like him. Show what the actual dog looked like in the movie. It was like a giant hulked out pit bull. See, I would rescue that dog. That's it right there. I would let that dog in my bed. I love him.

I think that there is something about it so interesting that you have a couple kind of breeds because I feel like people usually see themselves in a breed and that's their thing. And if yours is massive, but what made you do Golden? I'm a meathead. He looked awesome.

Yeah, that's literally. He looked awesome and he was super sweet. Yeah. Like, this dog, Curly, was the sweetest dog. Well, you know that the dogs that were bred to fight dogs and bulls, they were also selected for the ones that were the kindest to the owners because the dog fighters didn't tolerate dogs that were violent towards people. I've had a bunch of pit bulls.

I know the whole deal behind them. Yeah. And the tragic irony is that they're trained to be weapons, but they're trained to be very emotionally attached to people. They're so attached to you. And babies. The love that those things give you is so intense. So unconditional.

So intense. It's weird. They're like, they're so much more vibrant than a lot of other dogs and the way they love you. It's like so different. And the ones that are rescued, I think also know on some level. Yeah. I had this one.

She wouldn't even let any other dog near me. Like I had to give her all the love. If the other dogs came near her, everybody got snapped at and backed off. Yeah. I had to get all the love to her first. I had a friend. I mean, and they also gravitate towards vulnerable. So when I'm sick, they also gravitate towards vulnerable. So, um, when

I'm sick, they get more protective of me when I had the injury. Like when my ear was ripped off, they were all like, when someone would come in, they'd be like extra flexing on like the gardeners and stuff. Like they, they're really empathic. It's pretty, I've learned so much from training dogs, especially ones with low impulse control. They don't have a lot of impulse control. So you have to teach them impulse control because they're designed not only to fight but also to chase rats and there's a... So to bring it all back,

Johnny Cash and Brutus, my two dogs, Brutus is much smaller. Brutus is an English bulldog Shibu Inu mix. So many flaps. And so when they're both going to enter into the house

to eat, Johnny always knocks Brutus out of the way. Like, bitch, step aside, bitch. Step aside. They have such a clear run how it works. Pecking order. I told you about when I went to that. No, I don't think I did.

The Wolf Sanctuary? Yes, you did. Oh, yeah. Like how, you know, you have to leave them alone and let them have their pecking order. There's the Alpha, the Beta, and the Omega. You've got to just leave them alone. People are like, don't. They're fighting. leave them alone and let them have their pecking order. There's the alpha, the beta and the omega. You got to just leave them alone. Like people like don't they're fighting. Leave them alone.

Let them work it out. You can't interject into nature just because you're uncomfortable with your own mortality. Exactly. And what is I mean, I tell people to leave the dog park all the fucking time. People are so stupid with their dogs and they project their shit onto their dogs and they're codependent with their dogs. And, you know, the way to get pit bulls or to unlock, you know, to get dogs. Yeah. So I'm just sticking my finger in buttholes at the dog park just constantly to get dogs to stop fighting. Yeah.

Because people don't know how to control their dogs. Most people that have those kind of dogs, they don't realize that this is not like getting a lab. You're getting a dangerous animal that loves to fight, loves it. They fight. They'll lock on each other and wag tails. Yeah. And you have to be able to ascertain the difference between when things get real, like the hair on their back and when it's playful. And then the dog feels your fear and then they start to get protective.

That's people don't understand. Like all the time when I'm walking my dogs and someone's like, and they start pulling their dog away. And I'm like, what you're doing is you're feeling fear. Now your dog's going to get aggressive. So you're manifesting this dog fight with your fucking bullshit fear. Like, get your shit together. So frustrating. But for a lot of people, that's where the argument comes in.

Do we really want those kind of pets? I mean, do we really want people to have dangerous dog pets? Do we really want those kind of owners? Yeah, but I mean, it's a super responsibility. And I agree that many people can do it correctly. Yeah. But it is a super responsibility to have a warrior animal. I agree.

And I mean, I do think that for a lot of these animals that are just so unbelievably fast and, you know, designed to do damage that, I mean, the same way we get driver's license for cars, you're operating something that can injure people. Like you should, I don't think people should have big dogs with big teeth without taking I mean, the same way we get driver's license for cars, you're operating something that can injure people. Like, I don't think people should have big dogs with big teeth without taking some kind of test first. I have a friend who runs greyhounds. They have greyhounds. And they have these dogs that they're so fast.

And he's like, these things are so ferocious that they won't even play with other dogs. Like, if they find another dog or a coyote or a poodle, they'll kill it. Yeah. They just immediately kill it. That's a bummer. It is a bummer. And I had a buddy who rescued racing greyhounds. Yeah, because they're the most abused before pit bulls, actually.

Greyhounds. Well, the ones that were there, I mean, they weren't pets at all. They were just existing to race. They were existing as gambling dogs. Yeah. I mean, it's a really common thing. I know. I hate it.

So he would rescue these dogs. He rescued one of them and he couldn't keep it. Really? Because anytime it saw a cat or anything small, it's gone. It's like having a cheetah. Yeah. I mean, you're just having this, you know, thing. So, I mean, if you raise it from a puppy, you can usually, you know. I don't know.

Really? I don't know a ton about greyhounds, but. I don't know. People can raise lions from cubs and they see them on Instagram. They're biting them and hanging out with them. But oddly enough, and this is going to sound weird, lions seem to be calmer than a lot of other animals that we keep as pets. Male lions, for sure.

Right? Male lions are only awake two hours a day and they don't do anything. As long as you feed them. Female lions. And you're nice to them all the time. I think you can connect with them. But all these guys on Instagram, black jaguar, White Tiger, you know, the guy and they're snuggling with fucking panthers. Something, I heard something that they have their scent on them.

They put their urine on them. Like they declaw them. I don't know if they declaw, but even that's not going to help you. If that thing decides to bite you, it's a wrap. There's no way you're going to survive. It's over. Well, remember Tippi Hedren. She, the Hitchcock actress.

Will you pull that, like the Tippi Hedren Shambhala? She, Melanie Griffith grew up with 18 tigers and lions in the home. In LA. In LA. Right outside.

And they did a documentary about it and everyone on the crew got attacked. They got their scalp ripped off. Melanie Griffith had some injury and then Tippi came out later and was like, they are not pets. Do not have them in their house.

It's dangerous. It's a bad idea. But she had 19 of them in Encino. She's like, what the fuck is going on? I wish I was alive in the 70s. People just didn't know how to live yet. Yeah, but or did they? I don't know.

I don't know. But if you raise them from infancy, if they're domest it's just a little different right yeah i'm sure i'm sure it's different but there's still the potential for something going sideways but it's also tricky because it's like and this is like the work i do with like horses and dogs it's like if you get scared and they feel it and if you run food runs runs, right? It's you fuck yourself. It's really like you decide if they attack you or not based on your energy. They're like baby first generation

Viking animals. You know what I mean? It's like if you could get them and raise a bear and then have the bear's cubs and the bear's cubs cubs, maybe many generations in. Have you seen the epigenetic imprinting of they've always been domesticated? Have you seen that guy that swims with the polar bear?

Yes. The fuck is he doing? He's got to keep that thing really well fed. Just gave a fucking Benadryl? Or what's happening? Why is it in a swimming pool? And the best part of that video is the gate is like chicken wire. I'm like, there's a neighbor who's just like in his house who has not left in two years.

I know. Can you imagine your neighbor has a polar bear wrapped up in chicken wire? I mean, what is that? Well, this is some gay shit for sure. Why is he alive? Some gay bear stuff with him and this bear. I'm 100% sure of it. Look at that fence. Look at that

neighbor. That neighbor's like, fuck this shit. That is insane that that's legal. Insane. Where is this? It looks like Cincinnati. Well, there was a guy in Ohio that had his own zoo, and then he shot himself. And before he shot himself, he let all the animals out. When was this? A couple years back. I'm making that TV show.

This fall on NBC. It was a 10-year or so, yeah. So, yeah, it's a real show. He committed suicide. There were lions running down the freeway and crazy shit. So the cops. People had to hide. Didn't that just happen?

Wasn't there like a tiger loose recently or something? Yeah, there have been other ones. But this one. Why did he shoot himself? He just committed suicide? Yeah, he whacked himself. He's just like, I don't want to do this anymore. And he let all his animals go.

Or what, did he just sober up and he's like, fuck, I have six lions. He's like, this is just too weird. I just don't want to do this anymore. And he just ended it, but he let all the animals go first. That is so funny. Yeah, so the cops. Who's this? Oh, this is the guy?

Where is this? Oh, in Ohio. 911 call. I'm pretty sure, and I just saw a wolf. Looks like a jaguar. A wolf or something? This is fucking bedlam. It's amazing.

It's amazing. They had to shoot all the animals. Oh, Jesus. They couldn't capture them. Well, they couldn't let them go. And once they were in a certain area, they had to isolate them before they spread out, so they probably couldn't find them. Oh, God. Jesus. I know. They killed so they probably couldn't find them. Oh, God.

Jesus. I know. They killed them all. What a fucking nightmare. Yeah, it's a nightmare. Isn't it sad? When I see a human die, I'm just like, oh, bummer. When I see animals, I'm like, can't handle it.

Yeah. That's intense. That's a fucking nightmare. Okay, so when your new dog gets neutered, it's going to be a game changer. Yeah, I'm sure. For his energy. Yeah, right now. But he's

sweet yeah he's he's a different kind of goldens are just like lifeguards i mean they're the sweetest dogs they're just so nice the story is about they smell a fire and they get the kid and they open the door and they take it to a shelter and they put it on a plane and they like they change your travel arrangements totally they help you get into college they're on kayak i mean they're just such incredible dogs. He gets a little silly sometimes because he's young. Like sometimes he'll test you with things and won't listen when you tell him to do things. But animals test you because they want to go like, are you the leader?

Are you the leader? Are you the leader? That's what they're doing. I think that's kind of what audiences do as well. You know, we were talking earlier about self-analysis and I am trying to stop with that shit, but it's just hard to turn that off because it's like we get on stage and we're like, do you like me now? Do you like me now?

What about now? We do that for an hour every night, you know? And then I get off stage and I'm like doing it to myself. Do I like me now? Do I like me now? Like, it's just a hard thing to fucking shut off. You know, like how do you negotiate on stage,

like getting feedback and using that validation and then as soon as it's over, not needing it at all? Well, you have like people that love you and a family and shit. You're answering for yourself. People care about you. Well, I think, I think doing things that are more difficult than that is a good way to even that out.

That is an unbelievably salient point. Yeah. I think if you're all, if that's the most difficult thing in your day, it becomes a, it's got extra weight that it doesn't need to have on it. That's fascinating. Yeah. That's fascinating. Is there something more difficult than standup though? Yeah, there is. Everything's more difficult. Yeah. Standup is easy when it's going great. Joey Diaz said that standup is the easiest, hardest thing you'll ever do. Yeah, that's exactly right. It's a perfect way to describe it. Of course, Joey said it perfect. Yeah.

Do you, of course, you know this, but I read something recently about how the reason people hate, are so scared of public speaking, evolutionarily speaking, if you were in that position, public speaking, you speaking to hundreds of people,

that meant that you were exiled from the tribe and you were defending yourself. Whoa. That's what it was. Holy shit. So that you were exiled from the tribe and you were defending yourself. Whoa. That's what it was. Holy shit. So if you were ever like trying to get people to like you, it was saying, please don't kill me. I didn't eat all the meat.

I didn't steal that thing. Please spare me. Please spare me. Oh my God. That makes so much sense. So much sense. So when we're up there on stage, the reason you feel that fear is because it used to be you were begging for forgiveness and not to get speared to death or

stoned to death or whatever. Wow. Yeah, makes a lot of sense. That's crazy because we always associate it with being a leader who's speaking to the tribe. Nope. Wow. Nope. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Holy shit. Yeah, that's what it was in tribal times.

It's the same thing about like there's that article in the Atlantic about how loneliness is now as bad for you as smoking. Because it used to be if you were living alone in an apartment in a pod, that meant you were exiled from the tribe and had no protection from it. So your brain stops producing serotonin and endorphins, and you basically just, like, get depressed

because it's like you feel so unsafe and you feel so much anxiety. We're designed to live together because that meant protections before we had, like, alarm systems and locks and shit. Right. Wow. That totally makes sense as well. And it seems like the more people get advanced socially, like the more we understand each other socially,

the more we understand like that there's all these causes and effects that go on inside of human relationships on both sides that make things go well or go bad. And hopefully over generation after generation of us studying this and paying attention to the way that we behave and talk to each other. Because I think people talk to each other far differently today. We definitely do in media, right? Yeah. And we did in like the 1930s or 40s or 50s. It's like there's a very crude rudimentary form of communication that i think it's richer and weirder and more aware now today and i think it's going to continue

to get better and better and if it does maybe one day we'll get into a more relaxed society place like if we can ensure that more people are nice and friendly and honest and helpful and less people are dangerous and fucked up. But instead of doing that, what we do is the opposite. We put up bigger walls, lock things down more, separate ourselves further, secure our position. I think as a society, and this is total hippie talk, right? But we have to figure out a way to make less people live sucky lives. As soon as you make less people live sucky lives, everything becomes way less dangerous.

Right. But like I was in Guatemala once and I remember looking around and going, what a sucky life. What a sucky life. And then I drive past people. They're sitting around laughing with no teeth in hammocks in a shack. And I'm'm like why are they happier than me and um from what i gather it's because they're together so it's like so much of our communication is non-verbal they say like 80 of our communication is non-verbal and

i'm on here texting texting texting you're seeing the verbal but you're not seeing the non-verbal of like you're safe i'm connected to you we're getting oxytocin for making eye contact and hugging like we're communicating more and more and more but actually reaching each other less and less and less on a chemical or neurochemical level right yeah and you gotta figure the people that are living in a village or some third world country or they're living closer to the land with less electronic stimulation less they're they're what who they are as a person the way they're living their life is is fitting into the world that they live in right right it's like those grooves have already been cut they're smooth and deep and

everything just slides into place yeah everybody's been doing it this way for a long ass time yeah when you start factoring in all the crazy shit that we're after dealing with just with traffic and the sheer number of humans clogged into this intersection just trying to move forward and everybody being frustrated and honking and cutting each other off. And that is so not normal. Apparently our brain doesn't know what a car is. That makes sense. Like our primordial brain, it's just a lion running across the fucking Sahara.

You know, it's just like things coming at you quickly. So we're kind of in fight or flight mode all the time. And the phone is the sun, right? Our brain basically think it's just producing cortisol. It's like we're constantly looking into the sun all day. And then we see just things coming at us in our periphery constantly. And it's depleting and it's putting us in fight or flight mode, which shuts down our frontal lobe, right? Which is like our feeling and decision-making stuff. What is it? I remember reading this, but I don't remember what the answer is. What is it about the disassociative aspect of driving in a car that makes people aggressive to other people, like verbally and giving them the finger and get, Oh, I remember what it is. No, no. I remember what it is. What it is, um, is, uh, they had concluded that you're in a heightened state of not necessarily fear, but reaction time when you're in a car because you realize that you are going 65 miles an hour and everything is happening fast.

You have to be paying attention to everything. And so in this heightened state, you're almost in like a heightened altercation position. You're ready for anything, right? What do we got? What do we got? Fuck you! Yeah, yeah. Like you're ready to go.

This fucking dickhead just cut me off. Like, it's everything so ramped up. But let me ask you a question, because I've been in cars with people who are just like, oh, sorry, and I've been in cars with people who are like, fuck you. And to me, it's like, I feel like kind of every guy turns it into a sport. You can do that if you let it get away from you. Because you're competing, and who's going faster, and that sort of thing. Like, does that happen to you?

Yeah, you can do that if someone's a total dick and you start falling into that. It's always best to think twice. It's always best to just relax and just avoid. Because it's not worth, there's no upside on that sort of

involvement. There's no upside on that altercation. I've never been like, fuck you and been like, that was a good idea. I've never felt proud of that. There's no upside on that altercation. There's nothing there for you. I've never been like, fuck you and been like, that was a good idea. I've never felt proud of that. There's no upside but the downside is gigantic. Actual violence, like you could get shot, you could get stabbed, you could get beat up,

someone could run you over, you could get into some terrible position where you hurt someone and you have to pay for their medical bills and their legal bills and it could be devastating to you. Is there something like... And you could feel terrible about the fact you did it because you did it in the heat of passion

when you weren't even thinking straight. That's so stupid. Guys do dumb shit all the time. Oh, I was... It changes their life. I was in a... Is it called Artesia? That's a place in California.

Yes, I think that's in California. I watched a guy, like two guys tailgating each other, chasing each other. Some guy fucking got out of his car with a baseball bat and like came in and they got in a fight and I was like, I'm going to leave. There's a great video of that. Some guy gets out of his car, pulls a bat out

of his car and smashes this other guy's car. The other guy gets out of the car, grabs him, gets him in a rear naked choke, puts him to sleep, pushes him to the side of the road, gets in his car and drives off. It's amazing. But you know what?

There's no butt there. There's no butt there. So I'm just saying, is that? That's how it's supposed to go. I got in this, and I know I was texting you about that Calcio Storico thing, that thing in Florence. You've got me obsessed with that shit. Is there?

I want to make a documentary. I've been trying for years. You should. I'm obsessed with our need for violence. And if we didn't have violent sports and competitive sports, would we all just constantly be having baseball bats in each other's windshields all the time? Like, we have an inherent need to be violent, right? And do we need to just sort of control? Like, the reason I'm obsessed with Calistos Dorico, which if you don't know, we've talked about it, I think, on the show before, which is like it's bare knuckle boxing football, essentially.

But the month that they do it in Florence, there's virtually no crime because they purge. People purge and they get it out in not healthy ways, but at least in controlled ways. Yeah. You know, like, are we designed to just be like taking baseball bats to each other's windshields? I think what it represents is a very valid release for primal instincts. Yes. And I've been studying it most of my life yeah i mean most of my life i've been paying attention to martial arts studying martial

arts as if i would have to be i'm usually in the woods if i go a whole day and i don't see someone fight right like i see it every day constantly i'm always i watch muay thai fights every day i'll watch a wrestling match. I'll watch a jiu-jitsu match. I'm constantly watching these things. And what I get out of all of it is that what these people are doing, everybody's doing is,

first of all, they're engaging in something incredibly difficult. And when you engage in something incredibly difficult, it's a great way for strong-willed people to find themselves.

And to get testosterone out. There's that, but you're finding validation through incredibly difficult acts. Like, I think I'm special. How do I prove I'm special? I prove I'm special by choking out

other trained killers. Yeah. I'm going to get to a place where I can choke out all the experts. Like, I'm not just choking out regular people. I want to be able

to choke out the experts. And those guys who do that, they find themselves in the most exceptional minds and the most exceptional bodies they all it converges together you cannot have one without the other but it's so recent that we're not choking each other out in the streets all the time i mean like a hundred years or something i mean i was reading our that our eyes evolved to be sunken in because we were getting punched in the

face so much as a species that's why our eyes are sunken in i we were getting punched in the face so much as a species. That's why our eyes are sunken in. I swear to fucking God. Our fists evolved to do this so that we could punch people. Maybe if the UFC keeps going with all the eye pokes, the walls of our eyes will get thicker. I would give up like a little bit of vision to have like poke-proof eyes. Oh, God. I mean, our eyes are made of glass. Yeah, they're so weak.

I mean, we are pathetic. But so it's so recent that we're not just constantly fighting each other and choking each other out in a socially acceptable way. But here's my thing, what I've noticed. And everybody has, look, everybody's a work in progress. You know, I mean, you want to judge someone by an argument that you got with someone 10 years ago. I think that's kind of ridiculous. But we're all capable of weird aggressive behavior and mistakes but the people that i know that are involved in martial arts are uniformly some of the nicest most peaceful friendly they didn't fight

do you think they would be if they don't know i don't know i don't i would hope not it's like but see but it gives them something it gives them a feeling of security and it gives them an understanding of ego because you lose a lot. Yeah, so true. Most guys don't lose a lot of fights because they don't get in a lot of fights. You talk to an average person. I might have been in my whole life like street fights, like three or four ever. Ever. Really?

All my fights I had were in competition. So your thing is you learn how to avoid fights. Definitely. And you don't have the ego that drives you to need to do it. It wasn't my choice. Like I was avoiding fights because I was scared of getting my ass kicked. And then I got into martial arts completely because I was scared to fight people. And I moved around a lot and I didn't really know what I was doing but my point being that this

this desire once you understand you really know how to fight all that shit goes away and you're friendly yes and you don't have the need

to overcompensate or prove anything because you proved it to yourself that you can do it yeah you do there's a little bit of that

it's like as soon as I actually felt like I was funny as a comedian you're talking into your neck sorry some weird shit going on there.

I just want the vibrations to come out. I'm here to tell you that smoking is a terrible thing. Remember there was like 10 comics that used to do that? Yes, I do. In the 90s. Hashtag Craig Shoemaker. I forgot what I was talking about. I forgot what we were talking about too.

Me too. No, I was saying like as soon as I felt like I was actually funny As a comedian on stage I stopped trying to be funny in my real life I didn't need to be I think it's probably pretty similar For guys I think also they get it out of their system And also they don't have this

A lot of male to male interaction Happens just out of fear Like guys want the other guy to back down Because they're fucking terrified They don't want to fight. But when people are not afraid of it, and it's not like a terrifying thing to them, there's more relaxation and less things happen.

Can I ask you a really weird question? Sure. Is it illegal to fight people just in the street? In California. It is not in Washington State. Washington State has something called a mutual combat law where cops will actually stand by and watch people beat the shit out of each other if they agree to. So there's no such thing as like assault? It is Wild West shit. They literally agree.

Washington State? Seattle. In Seattle. What if it's man versus woman? Ooh, I don't think you can do that. Really? No, I don't think you can do that. I? No, I don't think you can do that. I don't think so. And what if you're you?

You can't do that because you're a weapon, right? Well, you can see you can, though. That's not real. Isn't there a thing? That registering yourself as a weapon? No, that's real. Sorry, I've dated some fighters. I had to go to a town hall, register my hands.

I'm a human weapon. My hands are... I've heard that. Why have I heard that? It's not real because people used to always say that. But you can't. If you're you, you're not allowed to fight a human on the street. You go to jail. Well, no. If I hit someone, I'll get, like, an assault charge.

First of all, everybody who hits someone for no reason is going to go to jail. Unless it's self-defense. But if you're Vanderlei Silva, okay, and someone doesn't know it's Vanderlei Silva, and they go and pick a fight with him, and he beats the fuck out of them, he's not going to get in trouble. Really? As long as there's some sort of proof that these guys were starting a fight with him and he beats the fuck out of them. He's not going to get in trouble. Really?

As long as there's some sort of proof that these guys were starting a fight with him. He's defending himself. So if I attack Ronda Rousey at Whole Foods. She flips you in your head. And she breaks my neck with her finger. She can, she, that was self-defense. A hundred percent. Yeah, you don't know.

It's just, it's not our fault that she killed me. Well, not only that, she doesn't know. You might be some crazy black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu who's insane. I look at me. Who just wants to strangle her. Look at me. Yeah. You look like you've been lifting.

But there are, I mean, there's danger in interactions with people if you don't know who they are. But if you're a professional fighter, you can get sued. Well, you could always encounter someone that knows how to fight. Yeah. When you're, when someone touches you or they're arguing with you or they're in your face you have no idea what they're capable of they might be if even if you're a martial artist they might be better than you are you don't know no one ever knows yeah that's interesting this is this crazy idea that somehow or another you have to have your shit together to be a fighter. I've known a lot of fucking crazy people that were insane that were really good at fighting.

Isn't that part of it, though? You have to be lacking a circumspect approach to... George St. Pierre isn't. George St. Pierre is super, like, present and kind and a fun guy to talk to and a sweetheart. Just ultra, ultra competitive. Right, right, right. He's got like adrenaline addiction shit. My point is he's not a mean person.

But there are mean, crazy people that are also really good at fighting. Right, right, right. The idea that only good people are good at fighting is ridiculous. No. So you have to be always careful. What's this?

These hands and feet are registered as deadly weapons in Guam. In Guam you have to do it? So in Guam you can do that? Yeah, I'll show you at the bottom. There's a law about the... Like if you went to Guam... Any registered karate or judo expert who thereafter is charged with having used his art in a physical assault on some other person shall, upon conviction thereof, be deemed guilty of aggravated assault.

Upon conviction, though. That's a... What does that mean? That should be. I agree with that. You mean that you have to have been arrested already? Well, I agree with that. When I take...

This is how I interpret that. That if someone, like, say, Brendan Shaw, decided to pick on some guy who didn't know how to fight, knowing that this guy didn't know how to fight, and Brendan would never do that. He's the nicest guy ever. But beat the shit out of this person, theyhmm, they should be charged with like an extra level of assault because it's not just assault It's almost like assault with a weapon Well, it's like you told me that people come up to him and he'll be like, you know

I used to fight and he's just like don't do this like they did they instigate and sometimes you just have to leave Do you ever have people do that where you just have to like leave? Sometimes people are delusional but I've seen it happen even to Chuck Liddell. I've seen people come up to him when he was in his prime. People are crazy. There's always a certain Well it's like people who come up to, I mean as a comic, people come up to me like, what's up cunt? I'm like, you don't want to do this. Don't do this. Don't do

this. They're like, hey hooker. And I'm like, don't try to be funny. This isn't going to go well for you. Imagine just like practicing that at home. And when I see her tonight, I'm going to look her right in the eyes. I'm going to say, what's up, cunt? The things people say to me are so, like, what do you think my reaction is? Be like, ha, ha.

You think I'm going to like crack up laughing and be like, here's my phone number? Like, what did you. Just drop to your knees. How did you think that was going to go? I don't think they think. I think people also, also like maybe they have an idea what what'll be funny and i think about a total of like 15 seconds before they say it's shocking yeah and my favorite is when someone bores you with like a 15 minute just the longest

vagina monologue of all time something just like terrible and awful they just talk about like traffic and then they're like you can have have that one. And you're just like, oh, can I? Thank you. Did you ever notice like, oh no. I'm good. Are you doing material?

Or like you're talking to someone super boring and they're like, are you going to put me in your act? Like, no, you're fucking bombing. Say something funny

and I'll think about it. No. The worst. Every guy says that on dates. They're like, are you going to put me in your act? Wow, really?

Is that a part of the issue? The guy I'm dating has never seen me do stand up. Oh no. Never. says that on dates. They're like, you're going to put me in your act. Wow, really? Is that a part of the issue? The guy I'm dating has never seen me do stand-up. Oh, no. Never. Keep it that way. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah. How long have you been dating him?

Eight months. Yes. Keep it that way. I think that's, isn't that kind of a life hack? It never goes well. I don't think guys love seeing girls in like an alpha stance yelling about dicks they've sucked in the past. in like an alpha stance yelling about dicks they've sucked in the past.

I like to separate church and state like that. Or do you think that that's delusional that I can? No, I don't think it's delusional at all. You've done it for eight months. You've done it for eight months. Why can't you do it for eight years? Why not? Which is as long as I ever want to be in anything. Yeah, but it seems like it's totally possible.

I mean, if that's what makes you comfortable and he doesn't give a shit You got it. I think comedy is for strangers. I don't think it's for people, you know My friends really can I come see you show? That's not what it's for it's for complete strangers. It's not for people, you know, you just nailed it really So, oh, yeah Like if you're doing stand-up and someone who you know really good is in the front row Like what are the front rows all your family? I can't say that I can't say that I can't say that it's who you know really good is in the front row, like, what if the front row is all your family and they've seen your act twice this week? I can't say that.

I can't say that. I can't say that. It's like, I'm doing these shows in L.A. and I'm like, why am I doing L.A. shows? Because it's going to be all people I know. Everyone's like, can I come? I'm like, you can't, actually. I'm, like, doing a complete, like... You've got to tune in to everybody else.

But it's just like, you're right. You're not even thinking about it. Those are the people that may or may not be an impediment. But they're not going to enhance it. They're not going to be a part of the normal crowd for you. For me, I'm always thinking in the back of my head. Oh, no, I can't say that. I'm going to hurt their feelings. It's like you can't say anything because you can't just be like, oh, because my fucking crazy family. And then they're like, where are we? I'm so what? And everyone's everyone's such a fucking narcissist. Like it's like the worst when you're dating someone or whatever it is.

And you're like going on and on about like this stupid guy. And, it's, like, the worst when you're dating someone or whatever it is, and you're, like, going on and on about, like, and this stupid guy, and they're, like, was that about me? I'm, like, no, I made that up. It's not about anyone. It's my friend told me this. Like, everyone just has to, like, turn your act into a Rorschach test, and everything's about them, and I just, like, can't. Okay, I mean, there's this unspoken shit that's going on in your act.

It's me. What? No, it's not. Okay, just say it. No. You're fucking, you know, this is so ridiculous. I don't have a problem with you doing comedy. Really? When you work out our shit on stage.

It's like, well, it's interesting, because Bill Burr never talks about his wife on stage, or he never talks about, he says that she doesn't like when he talks about him, or when he talks about her. Like, she drew a boundary about it, which I think it makes sense. And I think what you're saying makes sense too,

that it's the, the actual act of doing it. You're doing it for people who don't know you. Like you're trying to do a thing. I, if I was a stripper, I wouldn't want you to come. It,

to me, it's so emotionally revealing and it's about vulnerability. And it's about like, I'm going to talk to you for an hour and then never see you again. That completely makes sense. It is a one night stand. But what about songs? I feel like songs the same way, too.

Like if you know someone really well, like, God damn, like, do you really want someone to sing a song for you? I went to a wedding where it was two brides. It was a lesbian wedding and one of them sung to the other person and I had to get up and walk away. I was so uncomfortable looking in her eyes, singing to her. I was, I was crouched over. I literally was, I was sweating.

I was, I mean, I look like fucking the Joker. My makeup was, I was so uncomfortable. I think singing to me, I would rather blow you making eye contact the entire time than have you sing to me. I'll put a gun in my mouth before I let someone sing a song to me. Awful. Disgusting. What the fuck is that? I don't know. Why is it so?

What is it? What about the human condition? How can we, from a primordial perspective. It's so true. I like just am trying to do. I can't. Why is it so embarrassing? Maybe if you're a good singer This was a good singer too

That actually made it worse Yeah but even if you're a good singer If it's just you And this one person And you're alone in your kitchen And they start looking you in the eye Singing You're like hey hey hey

Hey stop it Cut the shit That is an act of aggression It is Well it really is a very alpha thing to do Oh yeah you have to listen now Cause making eye contact It just makes me, the guitar.

And you're so comfortable, you could look someone in the eye and sing. Got to go. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. Can't do it. Like something really intense, right? Like what would be an intense song you would sing to someone? Like a Sam Smith banger or like.

Right, right, right. Maybe some Elliot Smith where you're thinking about sticking a knife in your heart. It's just, it's just, what is it? Soul stuff. Because we are designed, music releases endorphins, right? When we listen to music. But it's great in a small gathering. Or is it just because we're comedians?

Or a bunch of people are singing together. I think it's just people on top of each other. Is this R. Kelly? Well, he's wearing glasses. He's wearing glasses. It's different. I could do it in sunglasses. It's super bright where he is. I. He's wearing glasses. It's different. I could do it in sunglasses. It's super bright where he is.

I don't fuck with karaoke. I don't fuck with any of that shit. No. I'm not into that. Not interested. I did it once on a radio station. I sang a Kiss song. How did that go?

It was great. Really? Yeah. You're like, I nailed it. We were high as fuck. They had this thing that they did on Alice. It was a radio station in San Francisco. Yeah.

Alice was the, yeah, Sarah No Name were the hosts of the show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that. Remember those guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they have another thing now. Are they doing a podcast or something? Probably.

I mean. Yeah. What do you show, more R. Kelly? She's playing with his dick while he's on stage singing. Oh, there. Kelly She's like playing With his dick While he's on stage Oh there's a girl Behind him Playing with his dick

While he's on stage Singing to fans I don't understand Is that enjoyable Someone just Playing with his dick While he's singing Playing with a dick

That's So this girl Is reaching up Grabbing his dick While he's singing Where's her hand Her hand That's her arm

But that's her dick That's her His balls Isn't it Yeah Oh no This is upsetting. It's beautiful.

Speaking of garbage bags, what are those pants? He's smoking a stogie while he's doing this in front of 50,000 people. Oh, God. Insane. Wait, is that enjoyable? Having someone just towel your dick from behind? I'd have to have it happen. Especially in front of all those people.

I feel like that would be uncomfortable. Depends on how you do it. Some people are really good at playing golf. Other people, this is fucking... You look more like badminton to me. What's going on here?

Same thing? I guess he hands him a towel and they wipe him off but he's got clothes on. Oh, give me some volume on this. I need to hear this. What mental illness does he have? All of them.

He's got the good ones, the bad ones. They cancel each other out. He's doing great. He's just hitting a frequency that you don't... What is she getting out of this? He's amazing. I don't like this.

The Christmas tree is kind of sinister. Come on, this is beautiful. I have to leave. Wiping off my chin. He's singing it. Come on. You got to just let it go, Whitney. You got to let it go.

This is hilarious. This is beautiful. He's singing. Wipe off my tongue. Oh, my God. Yeah. How do you know about this video? This is beautiful.

This isn't just the only time you think that. Keep wiping, baby. By the way, stop having people wipe sweat off you and just take off your fur coat. Stop it. She's got her hand on his dick. This is making me sexist against women. Look at her. Your mother must be very proud.

Listen, she's doing a good job. Everybody's happy. I see a lot of love in the room, and I see one hater. Oh, look at this. Right here? She's grabbing. She hurt his dick. Why would you?

What did she do? Just grabbed it? She grabbed it and crushed his balls. She tried to snatch it and take it home with her. I feel like this took a turn. It's amazing. Pretty amazing. It's amazing that that's totally legal.

Is having your dick grabbed enjoyable? Not like that. She's high-fiving. Bitch, I got that dick. I'm so confused about dicks. I got that dick. She's like, get over here. I'm gonna get it again. What? Is that? Women are letting me down. It's not all women. You can't be on team woman. That's crazy.

I agree. I agree, but I get a little bit where I'm like, meh. You are not on the same team. You're a human being who also happens to be female. I know. People get ridiculous. I know. You can't say women.

It's one crazy person. I agree, but I'm just like, I need everyone to class it up. Everyone needs to just elevate. What about R. Kelly dropping his dick in front of some confused woman? I think he's disgusting. She's probably drunk. Hell, when was that? Was that recent?

Exciting? That video was from December. He's garbage. Recent! He does that, I think, probably every show. First of all, how dare you say he's garbage? He's garbage. He has provided some of the best unintentional comedy in the history of the world. That's our job! I don't like it when musicians take our job.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Have you ever heard real talk? No. What is that, a song? Oh, is this where he talks for like the entire song beautiful moment in the joe rogan experience please don't make eye contact with me even if we get pulled off youtube i don't give a fuck we get pulled off youtube basically every video anyway so we're gonna play this because of copyright claims and then we get demonetized it's hard out there for a pimp. But you got to listen to this. Is this going to make me have an orgasm?

Play it. Play it. We're going to play it. We're going to comment over it. And then if we get pulled, we lose this episode, we'll re-upload it. Take this out. And then this is going to have to go out live. All you internet folks, just have you going to have to take chunks of this and save this part.

Am I going to climax? Don't make eye contact with me, Joe. Don't look at me. But the profanity represents just how real shit gets when you're arguing with your girl and shit. Gets better. Here we go.

You're arguing with your girl because all you do is cheat. But I'm going to do this shit for y'all on YouTube. Hold on, hold on. I got to give me a drink. You got to give me a drink. Take me a shot.

Some Smoggy's about to jump off. Take me a shot. Okay. Smoggy's jumping off here, so. Oh, what is that? I'm just going to be real, man. I'm just going to be real. Sequence. I'm just going to be real. Here we go. We, take me a shot. Okay. Smokey's jumping off here, so. Oh, what is that? I'm just going to be real, man. I'm just going to be real. Sequence.

I'm just going to roll with the theme. We're going to do it. I'm doing this for the fans that I know around the globe. Okay. I love real talk. Real talk. Oh, I wouldn't. Oh.

Oh. Wait a minute. Calm down. I was at a club with who? This is the happiest I've ever seen you, Joe. Get the fuck... Listen to this. Man, you know what?

Is that a landline? Yeah. I'm about to sit up here and argue with you about who's to blame. I'll call no names. Real talk. See, girl. Only thing I'm trying to... Is that a sequined bomber jacket?

Only thing I'm trying to establish. Establish? Meanwhile, he's getting braided It gets better Listen to this Listen Why isn't there any music Well, there are other guys there. Well, tell me this. How the fuck she know I was with them other girls then? When the whole club packed.

Wait a minute. Let me finish what I've got to say. That was kind of a mind bug. That's a pretty shit. Amazing. He is the Martin Luther King of our day. I don't know why you fuck with them old jealous. No man have an ass. Who's anyway?

Real talk. Real talk. All these accusing me of some old bullshit. When I'm just trying to have a good time. Robert, you did this. I am stunned. I am stunned. I am stunned. I am stunned. Why is he looking into the camera? I feel violated.

I feel violated. I ain't gave nobody no damn money, girl. Is you tweaking? Is you tweaking? Is you tweaking? Here it goes. You're always running off at the mouth, telling your girls your motherfucking business. Is this a song or is this a...

They don't sleep with us. Besides, what they eat don't make us shit. Real talk. You call my mama. Is this a real? Is this a real? It gets better. Girl, my mama ain't got a screen.

No calls for me. Real talk. She's calling his mom's house. Fuck me. Girl, fuck you. I don't give a fuck about what you talking about. I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm coming home and getting my shit in the fucking house. You ain't give a fuck about what you talking about. I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm coming home and getting my shit in the fucking pool. This is my favorite part.

What? What? This is it. This bitch I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. Would you try for this? Someone needs to burn your fucking clothes because they are hideously ugly. This isn't real. What's happening? You guys are fighting. This is what men do. Real talk.

Real talk? Real talk. This is real. Don't you get it? Why don't you go fuck one of your funky ass friends? You probably already are. Probably already doing that shit anyway. You need to break up with this girl. This isn't a healthy relationship. Bitch, I wish you would.

Burn my motherfucking clothes. I like, fuck me. Fuck you. What? Those are the best lyrics ever. Great comeback. This is a game changer. This is a game changer. It's a game changer.

You need to know that's out there. That's not real. I mean, that's real. It's real. That's a real song. That's a real song. That's a non-ironic real song. That shit's genius.

I changed my mind. He's an artist. He's an artist. He's a visionary. He's a performance artist. Leave your 20-year-old at his house, but he's a goddamn visionary. That requires an amount of bravery that I'll never understand. No one will.

You have to be that guy. Yelling one side of a conversation and humiliating. I mean, that's what a real fight would sound like. Did you say there was other guys there? Did you say there was other guys there? Were there other guys there? The use of silence in that song is brilliant. It's art.

Art. That is art. I'm feeling so many different emotions simultaneously that I've never felt before. It's repulsive art. It's repulsive art. It's almost like a disgusting punk rock scene. Well, it also made me examine a lot of my own beliefs. Yeah.

Like, I really, I have a lot to think about. You need to know that that's real. There's a dude out there running shit like that. He's got a sex cult now. Oh. Have you heard this? Really? Do tell.

There's been all these stories that R. Kelly, they're accusing him of having some sort of a sex cult. Oh, I think I did hear about this. I tried to join. These girls are separated from their think I did hear about this. I tried to join. I was separated from their families. You try to join. I tried to join. What do you have to do? What's the requirements?

Um, uh, a heroin addiction, a lack of a frontal lobe, no college education. Um, love of our Kelly holder of the towel. Once you hold the towel and you can't be literate, right? But Once you hold a towel. And you can't be literate. Right. But once you hold a towel and grab a snake. A woman said she was under the spell of a master manipulator, R. Kelly. After watching that video, I feel like I would actually like to join this call to ask some questions. If you say that you were under the spell of a master manipulator. But can I ask you a question?

Why do you need to start a sex cult? Why can't you just get a girlfriend? I don't know. Why do you need a cult? You have? Why can't you just get a girlfriend? I don't know. You'd have to talk to R. Kelly. Is the idea to sleep with a lot of people, can't you just, you're already a musician, don't you get to do that anyway? You'd have to talk to R. I do not want to speak for the man. I don't want to.

Because, yeah, because I, you know, anyone who comes back from fuck you with, fuck you is, it's infinity. Fuck me? Girl, fuck you. It's literally infinity. You can't argue with that. Real talk.

It's banging your head against a brick wall. You cannot want to fight with that guy because he just repeats your insults back to you. Yeah, I don't know if he's really running a sex cult, but if he is, why does anybody ever run a cult? Isn't any pop star running a sex cult? Isn't that what being a pop star is? What does it say here? This is Kitty. You gave me your number. He said, always refer to me as Daddy.

Oh, no. That's not good. Whoa. I mean, whatever. We say baby during sex, which has been weird to me. But this is, it does make sense that if that was your kid, though, you'd be freaking the fuck out. Your kid's in R. Kelly's basement. You don't strike me as someone who fights with women.

I'm not into it. I don't like fighting. I don't think it's fun. It's not necessary most of the time, too. That's the point. It's not necessary. I no longer have the need to have those chaotic arguments and stuff. But people disagree all the time.

I've had pretty heated arguments with some of my best friends. Yeah. And sometimes over ridiculous shit. Right. You know, I think it's the same with relationships. Like,

you should never say something in a relationship. Like, people say things in relationships I feel that they would never say to like their best friend. Like, it's very rare.

That's interesting. That you would like say something to your best friend, like a hurtful thing. At least me, the way I think it. I don't want to hurt my best friend's feelings. Or any good friend. If they're acting a fool and it's like, I have to say this uncomfortable thing to protect you from yourself. Because what you're doing is stupid or dangerous.

Yeah. And I feel like most men agree with that. But most men that I've talked to about fights with their wives, a lot of guys have told me that shit can get really ugly and you start like going after the things that you know are going to hurt the other person's feelings. Yeah. It's like, woo. And I was like, do you do that with your friends?

And they were like, no, I don't do that with my friends. I mean, that's the whole point of what a friend is. Like I used to have weird acrimonious things with friends. I'm like, this doesn't make any sense. Like if I'm not fucking you you i'm not fighting with you this like friends should be safe place should be unless you know like i mean i see a lot of friends of mine um going down in a blaze of glory on instagram with their crazy have you ever lost i've lost some friends to instagram like oak trees are falling every day with the just losing their minds with their documenting every last thing yeah and i've done a couple interventions where i'm like hey you're starting

to look crazy and it never goes well trying to help trying to just like hold a mirror up you're starting to look bad shit you got to take your kids off you can't be filming them and saying their name and saying where they live it's just dangerous dangerous, you know? I want someone to tell me. You would tell me if I was going crazy, right? Well, there's definitely a lot of people that get addicted to the idea of posting things and reading the likes. That's exactly right. Getting the feedback. Feedback.

There's some sort of a weird serotonin thing that comes from that. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Definitely. I mean, it's like rats with the fucking whatever, the Skinner box. It's not just like Pavlovian response. Yeah. I was at Instagram the other day they said the average

Instagram user goes to Instagram 35 times a day oh Jesus 35 times a day that's more than once an hour it's nice to know I'm average do you think you go that often no I'm probably close though yeah I go a lot I feel like I'll go five times in a row and then not for like a couple

hours I follow a bunch of like really cool nature ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too. Oh my god. I know. And like travel things and like now I follow doctors and surgeries and zit popping and that kind of shit. Oh, do you follow Dr. Pimple Popper? Yes, of course. She's amazing. Yes, I'm obsessed. I like when they take a

tool and like push down and like comes out. Yeah. Why is that so satisfying? Because as humans we're designed to groom each other because before antibacterial soap and fucking Purell and stuff, like we were, we get endorphins from popping zits and grooming each other. Wow. Yeah.

Does your wife ever try to like pop zits and stuff on you? I don't really get zits. Really? Well, yeah. No, you don't. Yeah. Well, your skin is like kind of amazing. But like ingrown hairs and stuff.

Does she ever want to like get stuff? Oh my God. My boyfriend, I'm constantly like in his... He hates it. He hates it, but he lets me do it because he knows how I'm poor. I tweeze his eyebrows. So what is it? It's like a monkey thing, you think? Yes.

Like a grooming monkey thing? Yes. So when we're watching Dr. Pimple Popper lance these zits and pus, come shoot now. Yeah, we get endorphins. It's like little mini orgasms. She's unapologetic with it too. Yeah, she's a savage. She's not just a doctor.

She actually loves it. I love, I go on planes and go in and I squeeze my, and then stuff comes out of every pore. I love it so much. It's the greatest. Do you ever go on planes and squeeze one off and it hits the mirror? No, I don't have the ones that like are projectile. I wish I did. I remember I had those in high school. They were brutal.

There's something in every one of your fucking little pores. And if you just like squeeze your skin, it'll come out all at the same time. It's like porn. I love it. I live for it. Yeah. In high school, you used to get those volcano zits that like you'd be walking around. There was like this white bubble on the surface of your skin.

I used to have to get cortisone shots for that. I used to get them. Yeah. Like when I got my period, they would like, you'd feel them and they'd like hurt. Yeah. And you like can't even sleep on them. And then you'd have to wait like four weeks for them to surface so i would get a cortisone and right in the time when you're most vulnerable and confused as a teenager yeah your body starts to fuck with

the biological basis for having acne as a teenager it's a hormonal thing some sort of a reaction and there's a bunch of different ways to mitigate it a lot of them are these medications are really heavy they dry your skin out oh i took, oh, I took Accutane. Oh, I took Accutane twice because I had such bad acne. Does it make you crazy or something? I mean, you met me. What do you think? No. I can't blame it on the Accutane.

No, but there was this great, when you take it, you have to take birth control simultaneously. You have to. You have to because it causes birth defects in fetuses. So I'm like, if this causes birth defects, maybe I shouldn't be putting it in my bloodstream. And the side effects are so gnarly. Suicidal. You have to sign these forms saying this could. Oh, sorry.

Draw you to suicide. Like anal bleeding is one of them. Anal bleeding. You're giving that to a 14 year old. My skin started flaking off in like croissant, like pastry sheets. And my lips were like bleeding. It was a nightmare. Your eyes start itching and drying out.

Like this isn't ready for the market. Don't release this product yet. It's not a thing. Now, was it possibly like you took too much of it? No, you're on it for six months and that's just, it varies. Yeah, it dries your skin out or like hair starts falling out. But my skin cleared up. God, that's awful. But my skin cleared up.

God, that's awful. But does it have behavioral effects as well or am I making that up? I mean, yeah, they said it's – here's my thing. It says increases your risk of suicide. Oh, Christ. But when you're a teenager having bad skin, it's like a chicken or an egg thing, you know, because all you want to do is fit in. So I'm always like was it the Accutane or was it the bad skin? I don't know. That's sort of what they're arguing, I guess.

Would you ever let your kids go on Accutane? No. No. I mean, I wonder what natural alternatives there are. Like, I wonder if anything has to do with the amount of probiotics you take. I wonder if anything has to do, like, any of it could be mitigated. Well, it's about oil glands, really. It's genetic.

There's not a ton you can do about it. Yeah, but is that the case? Do the genes express themselves exactly the same way, depending upon environmental stress, the amount of nutrition you take in, the way you clean your skin? I don't know. Can you shrink or grow oil glands based on diet? I don't know,

but it's not uniform, right? There's only a few in certain places. It's variable. I have large oil glands and large pores. But it's not all your pores get infected, right? So... It's variable. I have large oil glands and large pores. Right, but it's not all your pores get infected, right? So some of them do.

Like, why are they getting infected? Yeah, that's a good question. How much of that could be dietary? How much of that could be changed? Like, what if you cut out dairy? Who knows? Huh, yeah, dairy is... There's probably a lot of things

that are causing issues. Yeah, I don't know. From what I gathered, and this could just be all of the dermatologists trying to prescribe me more stuff, but a lot of it is genetic. I'm sure.

But, yeah, diet, I know. But I wonder if it could be mitigated with diet or wonder if maybe poor diet exacerbates it. Yeah. I don't know. Probably. I'm just guessing. But I just would wonder if medication can do something for you. Maybe there's another way to do it to handle it in some sort of a more all-encompassing way.

Because those deep cystic ones, that is just like, oh, that is so... Those are the worst. Yeah, but I think it's probably a hormonal thing. Can you control your hormones with diet? I doubt it. I mean, I'm sure it enhances your body's ability to produce hormones if you eat the right foods. Yeah.

But I wonder, as a child, you're in such a state of flux. And it might actually be. I wonder if there's some biological basis for, like, the Darwinism of having really bad skin and overcoming it, you know? Like, what is the point of that in terms of your pecking order in the tribe of, like, having some kind of stigma and overcoming it? And if you're more of a badass, like. That's interesting. There was a article. I don't miss scientific American or something that that people who had acne are Overperformers in life because they had to overcompensate and overcome adversity the more adversity you overcome right like the more resilient you are and

Yeah, it was just like something about That completely harder. Yeah, isn't that funny how something will come up and it seems completely contradictory Yeah, then you stop and look at it and you go, oh, okay. Yeah. They had to try harder, so they got stronger. But then again, who's tracing the people who had acne who weren't successful? No one's following them and they don't know about them. Right. You know what I mean?

But is there a disproportionate amount of people with acne that succeed? Apparently, it was some study about like a ton of people who say, I was a dork in high school. I had acne. I was a loser. And then they're like CEOs of companies or performers or entertainers. Like Bill Murray. Oh, yeah. You become funny.

You sort of have to develop some kind of personality to fit in because you're so stigmatized. That line of thinking is real similar. It's similarly criticized to the line of thinking that they use in like the movie The Secret. Remember that? I was just talking about The Secret. Yeah. Yeah. The problem with that thing is not that

the law of attraction isn't real. Not that if you don't focus on something and put your energy towards something, you're more likely to achieve it than if you don't focus on those things. Right. But the problem is you're only looking at winners. Right. You're only looking at people. Of course. Yeah. Who focus. No one's following the losers. There's so many of those. If you just

go over 300 million people, it's easy to find a few thousand super winners like those people. You find them and you say, what made you so successful? And they will tell you, you know, I use the power of the law of attraction and I wrote things down and I had a vision board and I went towards. But you also like took all the necessary steps to make that happen. You also were very disciplined and worked hard. But some people don't. And you also thought it through correctly, right?

There's a puzzle in front of you, you solved it. All of a sudden, I'm the CEO of Exxon. All of a sudden, I started Apple. You have to figure that fucking thing out. Just because you made it there doesn't mean you have a valid roadmap that anyone can use and just think positive and think about the future

and make some sort of vision map and it's definitely going to work out. No, you have to do all of vision map, and it's definitely going to work out. No, you have to do all the right things, too, and it's not going to be easy. Most people are going to quit. But the kind of person who goes to buy the secret and makes a vision board is probably the same person who's going to do all the right things. Hopefully. Right.

But there's a lot of people that will try a new thing like that, and they sort of start them out, and then they bail on them. And I used to do that for a long time. Me too. Fuck, I did that for a long time. I would get those Anthony Robbins books on tape, and I would bail on them. And I used to do that for a long time. Me too. Fuck, I did that for a long time. I would get like those Anthony Robbins books on tape and I would listen to them and then I'd bail. Do you remember Zig Ziglar?

Did you ever listen to that guy? He was like one of those. That was a rich one though, right? It was like Dream and Become Rich or some shit. I don't know. Or see How to Influence People. I don't remember. Zig Ziglar.

He was like something positive thinking bullshit. I know. Sounds like an English pop star. But you mean you would start. Wait, so you would start these inspirational things and then stop. I would just fucking bail on it. I just, for whatever reason, I never completely disciplined myself with any sort of self-help program. I would start them out and then I'd bail on them.

Yeah, but it's like everybody has a different, like, I mean, do you feel like your training is kind of that now? Yeah, but I think even then, like, it was just a matter of me just developing as a person and being able to understand the process of disciplining myself better. Because I was never very disciplined when I was younger. I would just get obsessed with things. And I would do them because that's all I wanted to do all the time. Like, it never felt like discipline because it felt like this was something I wanted to do. Well, productivity and cooperation makes dopamine, right? Right.

So I had to learn after the fact how to be disciplined. Right. Like, discipline is doing a bunch of stuff I don't want to do. You strike me as, I mean, one of the most disciplined people. I mean, you're certainly one of the most disciplined people I know. I know more disciplined people than me. Really? Yeah, for sure. Wow. My friend Cameron I know. I know more disciplined people than me. Really? Yeah, for sure.

Wow. My friend Cameron Haynes. I talk about him too much on the podcast. People are thinking we're gay for each other. He's your polar bear. He's the guy who taught me how to bow hunt. And he runs ultra marathons. And he works a full-time job.

And he has a family. Wow. He runs a marathon a day. You can follow him on Instagram. What? Yep. Follow him on Instagram. Where?

Pull up his Instagram story. He lives in Eugene, Oregon, and he runs Mount Pisgah is the mountain. That's crazy. He's a fucking savage. I mean, I think there's something to be said, though. Like, I'm pretty disciplined, but I think my next step is to be like, you know what? Let things be sloppy. Wake up and don't know what you're going to fucking do because I am just so attached to

rigid control. Well, here's the thing, though. As a comic, that fuck-off instinct is a good one. It's good to have because fuck-off is where the ideas come from. I only feel like I can do that on stage. Look at this crazy fucker. He runs a goddamn marathon a day, and I'm not kidding. Is that healthy?

No, for sure. It's definitely not healthy. He doesn't care. He's training for something called the Moab 240, where it's 238 miles of running. At one time? Yup. Is that possible? It takes more than three days. Yeah, it takes more than three days.

He did 205 already. Does he run in sneakers? Yeah, Under Armour. He runs in these things called fat tires. They've got a good amount of cushioning to them. The amount of pounding you're constantly doing. He runs in these things called fat tires. They've got a good amount of cushioning to them. The amount of pounding you're constantly doing. He likes it that way. You're talking

extreme volume of running. I mean, it's just insane. His knees are just... They can't be great. But he's not running on pavement. Sometimes he runs on pavement. Sometimes he runs on the road. He'll run early in the morning near his house. This is the Moab 205 endurance race. How many people do it?

230, 240. Moab 200? I've seen it called the Moab 200. It's four days of running? It says 240. I've heard it called the 240. I think they changed it to the 240. They were calling it the 200. Do you get paid? What is the... It's a good question, but look at the fucking scenery. And look what happens if you slip. But you're looking down.

You're not enjoying the scenery. But look if you fell. Hi. Goodbye. See you're looking down. You're not enjoying this. But look if you fell. Hi. Goodbye. See you. No one. No one is surviving. Obamacare cannot help you, sir. No. There will be no Trumpcare that gets you out of that crevice in between those rocks. Jesus! And this is for

four days. More than three days. And they stop and eat? Yeah, you stop. They get like a snack. But the strongest runners, they keep running. They don't go to sleep. How many runners? I don't know. That's interesting.

I think he said 100 entered the 200, the Bigfoot 200. And he said 45 completed it. I think those are the numbers. I remember 45 completing it. And what is the main element of someone that completes this? Is it mental tenacity? 100%. Is it physical?

It's not physical. It's mental. It's mental tenacity because, first of all, physical is involved. You certainly have to be physically tough to do this. Jesus. But the physical toughness is most of the time dictated by your mental toughness. It's like the Navy SEALs that make it are never the biggest or the strongest, right? It's always like.

You know, David Goggins, that ultra-endurathon runner, Navy SEAL character, who's like a famous ultra-marathon athlete, he always says that people quit at 40%. What? Yeah, most people quit at 40%. 40% of their capability. That's probably the place where you get to go like, I didn't fail, I stopped.

No, you get to go to, I can't do this anymore. I gotta stop, I gotta stop, I gotta stop. And then that's 40% of what you're actually capable of. So where does mental, I mean, it comes from adversity at a young age, right? In overcoming. It can, but there's no recipe for it, right? You could decide that you don't like being a pussy at 18 and just start doing jujitsu and become like one of the hardest trainers in the room.

Escalate who you are and who you become and become some world champion jujitsu person. It's been done a bunch of times by a bunch of different guys. A lot of like world jujitsu champs, they're like kind of nerdy, geeky book type characters. Really? Amazing. Yeah. Crazy. And they become these like nerd assassins.

But you are studying. I mean, it is like you, it's so precise and it's like the same, it's geometry and math. Sure. Kind of just a nerd, right? There's definitely an equation, right? There's definitely some sort of an interactive equation going on. But it's also incredibly physical. So you get away with all the physical anxiety and all the bullshit that most people carry around with them.

You talk to people after training, after class. Everybody's so chilled out. They're so relaxed. Because they just went to war for an hour and a half. Everybody's so chill. And afterwards, they're the funnest guys to hang out with. Go to dinner and laugh and joke around.

And what happens if those people don't do it for a month? They get itchy. Every time you get injured, a lot of guys get injured again because they'll get a surgery and then go in too quick.

Super common. Because they need that fix. You just want to do it. You miss it so bad. How long can you go without doing stand-up before you start doing bits for your wife?

I never do that. She'd never tolerate it. But I could probably go. I mean, I've gone a month. Yeah. But I didn't do that. That's as long as you've gone since you started. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. That was a long time ago. Yeah. I just did it because I moved and I settled into a new place. And I was doing a lot of stuff for the UFC. Yeah. And I was traveling a lot.

And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to just do nothing for a month and settle in. But doing UFC stuff, I get so fascinated by our need for visibility. And how much do I need? And where is this shit coming from? And do I exist if I'm not on camera? Like, I need to work on that thing do we exist when we're not fucking

documenting and because I sort of took some time off of being on TV and stuff and then I started being like do I still exist you know and because I wasn't seen a lot as a kid but it's like doing UFC where you're being heard you're being seen you're valuable people love you you know

is that the same reward center in your brain as performing stand-up? No. No, it's totally different. I'm a representative when I'm doing the UFC. It has almost nothing to do with me. The only thing that has to do with me is me. It is true. Well, you're the aficionado on this stuff.

Honestly, without the fight, without that, what I do is useless. So all I'm doing is trying to use my vocabulary and my creativity and my understanding of what they're doing to best represent it. To honor their hard work. So that's what I feel like that is. So that's so not, I try to keep myself as much as I can out of it. It's not your opinions and your, right. Well, I mean opinions on, and stuff like that. It's not like your creative point of view.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just my perspective on performances and, you know, character and the different interactions between these different people. It's your acumen for understanding the science and stuff, but you're not infusing your incendiary. It's just a very different feeling than being stand-up. Like, when I go to do stand-up, it's like I'm going to go and I'm going to do my act. Like, hey, here we go. What's up? And it's about me interacting with people. Whereas

like, doing the UFC is really just about being a representative. Yeah. And like a scientist. I mean, you're kind of a... More of like an analyst, right? I'm just, I'm trying to, I've seen so many of these things. I'm like, what does this represent? Oh, I know trying to, I've seen so many of these things. I'm like, what does this represent? Oh, I know this code.

This code means left high kick's coming. You know, he's moving this. He's lifting his leg. I see where it's coming. The other guy's dropping his hands. Oh, there it is. And you call it and it's representation. So it's very different than doing standing.

Do you think that athletes will start or have they already started getting elective surgeries when they don't have injuries? There's only a few that I've ever heard of that think that that's willing to do that. And Brody Stevens actually told me that was wrong. One of them was a Tommy John surgery where it apparently makes you able to pitch better. Well, yeah, a lot of those guys I think are getting it. But I thought it was you get it when you need it, when your shoulder's fucked up. Right.

I had read that people were getting an elective and Brody said that was bullshit. Well, didn't RG3 get one knee? He did one knee and then he did the other one. Who's RG3? The guy from, am I saying that right? He's a quarterback. Quarterback, the Redskins guy? Yeah. Didn't he get elective knee surgery just because they can improve your knee?

What? Yeah, when it's not injured. For real? Yeah. I have not heard this at all. He got one knee done because he had two. The running quarterback guy? No. I know nothing about sports. The running quarterback guy. The black guy.

Yeah, the black guy. Oh, the black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fast one. Yeah, yeah, the one that runs with the thing. He's really muscular. The guy, he was on the Redskins, right? I've never heard of someone doing that.

That's crazy. I don't know. I'm just curious if you think that that's going to start to be a, it's off season, I'm just going to get a new wrist because they can make better ones than genetics can. We've talked about that with legs. Like, what if they get to the point where someone breaks a leg and it gets gangrene and they have to remove the leg, but they replace it with a bionic leg and it's like the six million dollar man.

Yeah. What if they get you a leg that you can feel and it works way better than your regular legs? What would you rather do? Would you rather be in a wheelchair? Would you rather be on crutches? Or would you rather have a leg that works way better than your regular legs. What would you rather do? Would you rather be in a wheelchair? Would you rather be on crutches? Or would you rather have a leg that works way better than a regular leg? Well, you definitely take the fucking leg that works way better, right?

So then if you feel it and it feels like a regular leg, what's to stop you from just deciding to just do the other leg too? Why not? How about get your arms done? I'm getting my arms done. I'm getting my neck done. I'm bionic. Yeah, why not?

Come on. Who in the world would carry around like that? For real. Just done. I'm bionic. Yeah, why not? Come on. Wouldn't you else fucking carry around like that? For real. Just carry somebody around with bionic. Every time you send a text message, your phone explodes. I mean, I feel like we might be moving towards this. We now have this, like, where everyone's trying to be a superhuman, super...

Everyone thinks they're a fucking athlete now. Well, I met a guy who didn't have an arm. He lost his arm. I forget what the accident was, but he had a carbon fiber arm with an articulating hand. And it could move from his thinking? Well, I don't think so. I think he's moving it somehow or another

with his nerves in his forearm. I think somehow or another, that's how he's moving it. But I'm not entirely sure. But the idea is that they've had people that they put these sort of electrodes or something to their head and they can have them articulate fingers like people that are paralyzed. These mechanical fingers. It's amazing.

But I've done this thing. I went to this lab where they do these tests and we put this helmet on me. And by thinking about things, you can make a drone fly around by thinking about like when you when you can achieve a certain frequency yeah it communicates wirelessly with this drone through this thing that they put on your head with all these electrodes we can actually i mean you were just talking about it with uh kinnison we can kind of do that i mean he was doing that with words but i mean this is the shit that i do with horses is that you can kind of communicate with them with your minds if you're really having a 50 50 consensual relationship with them because they're prey animals and you can literally just think if your intention is pure enough i mean

this sounds like bullshit the secret whatever but if you think about what you want from them they and you're really present and connected to them they will do it wow it's unbelievable and like it's like really into it really into horses somatic writing because they're prey animals wow they're prey animals so the way that they've evolved if anyone cares that there's this book called zen mind zen horse and talks about the evolution of the prey animal and basically how they can feel fear they can feel intention they can feel where you want to go and if you're training to be the lead mayor of the herd that they look to you and if you basically anticipate something from them,

they will fulfill that anticipation. It's wild. So it's like, we don't use bits. We don't use saddles. And I don't use any sort of leads and I'll be on him. And I'll lead a little bit with my knees. But if I just visualize where I want to go, he'll just go there.

But if I'm disconnected and just came in from traffic and I'm just like bullshit, like thinking about my shit, he's just like not connected to me and won't do anything. It's hard to achieve. You have to get to that flow meditative state. I haven't smoked weed and hung out with my horse before. That's an interesting idea. I've played music and stuff like that.

But maybe I should try that to turn off my amygdala. Yeah, just try a little. Don't get crazy. Just try a little. That's actually a really good idea because when you bring anxiety around a prey animal, they feel it and they just feel fear. And fear is, you know, what they have been designed to avoid. Yeah.

And any sort of companion animal feels the same thing. Yeah. Like dogs, I think dogs know when you're high. Totally. Totally. Yeah. Totally. Totally.

Because they get high with you if you're smoking they can't not well i've had that happen before i had a dog that she got a panic attack oh no she fucking hit underneath the table i was she was high as fuck because we hotboxed her me and joey diaz oh jesus it's in my office yeah we wereong hits in my office with my dog Lucy. There's this guy that the dog that bit my ear off I couldn't find him you know basically

if a dog self-sues that way and was taken from its mother too young it's always going to sort of be a liability and I wasn't going to put him down obviously

so I sent him there's this guy named Stephen Baldwin and he takes dogs who have bitten people. Not like Alec Baldwin's brother? Not like Alec Baldwin's brother.

Oh there's a Stephen. Well, he's Stephan, S-T-E-F-F-E-N. But Stephen Baldwin might also have a dog ranch in which case. It's not Stephen Baldwin? I'd like to go there immediately. There's a Stephen Baldwin? Yeah, there is. Yeah. But I mean the actor. Stephen Baldwin, right? Your guy's Stephan Baldwin. Stephan, yeah.

I said Stephen. I don't know. I think I probably fucked it up. That's amazing. I've learned a lot today. There's two Steven Baldwin's. There's two Hulks. Real talk. Fuck me. Fuck you. There's been three Hulks.

Like good one R. Kelly. Mark Ruffalo. I forgot about that. He's the best. Really? He's the newest Hulk's the best Hulk. He's such an amazing actor. He's pretty amazing.

That guy's badass. He uses hemp treats for his dogs. Good move. Have you ever tried that? Keep your dogs chilly. Chill them out. Keep them chilly. A little bit. I think that's smart Good move. Have you ever tried that? Chill him out. Keep him chilly. A little bit.

I think that's smart. Yeah. If you ever need to pop one. No, but, uh, I've been trimming elk steaks and I have these little scraps, these little scraps and it is the greatest like training aid in the history of dogs. And you just give it to him non-cooked, right? Yeah. Raw.

You can give him one piece. It'll last him three days. You have to feed them for three days. Three days? Yeah. I have a friend who just gives the dog like a slab of raw meat every three days. And they don't feed them the second day? We feed our animals way too much.

Dogs do not need to eat twice a day. We give them this fucking giant bowl. All of our dogs are overweight and overfed. Oh, no. My dog's fat. We're giving them way more food that they need. And it's terrible on their joints and just terrible for them.

So I only feed my dogs as training rewards. Wow. Only as training rewards. They don't get just a big bowl of food. They get marrow bones. They get meat. They get eggs sometimes, but they only get feeding throughout the day.

Wendy Cummings, you're just running shit in your house. You're total alpha the fuck out of these dogs. How many dogs do you have at your house? I have three. Yeah, so you gotta kind of be running shit. You have to. Because they're alone right now, just plodding.

Well, they're in crates. They're always in crates. Ooh, you keep them in crates. Crates, always. Dogs are den animals. They want to be in crates. People are always like, it's mean to put them in crates. No, it's not.

They love it. It's mean to just let them roam around all the time because then they get territorial and they think that they have to control things. My dogs are guests in my home. That's the whole deal. Yeah. They don't get on the couch. They don they have to control things. My dogs are guests in my home. That's the whole deal. They don't get on the couch. They don't get to do anything. That sounds like you're a slave master. Kind of.

You sound like a speciesist to me. Kind of. I mean, I have had my ear ripped off, so I've made some mistakes, but with my dogs, dogs really do well when you dominate them. What kind of food do you feed them? I feed them this place called Luan's Kitchen. It's just quinoa and turkey, quinoa and beef, quinoa and chicken.

And they come in these frozen things. And is it a good thing to give them grain? Does it help them in some way? I don't know. They seem to do really well on it. Yeah. When I give them store-bought food, I sometimes do that buffalo, what's it called? Buffalo, wild buffalo or something.

But they start eating grass and I see in there, they puke and I see in there in their you know because they eat grass to sort of like restore equilibrium because they're too acidic so they'll start eating grass with that that's why they do that yeah so it's some sort of an instinct yeah it's to restore exactly they're not getting enough of certain minerals and vitamins they're not they're it means they're malnourished and they're getting it elsewhere that's when they start eating dirt when they start eating shit they're malnourished. So I give them this stuff and they don't do that. So you got this from watching them just eat grass around the backyard? Basically. After you feed them some sort of commercial dog food?

Yeah, when dogs puke up grass or you see in their poop that they have grass in it, that means that they're having to go other places for nourishment. So have you ever tried to feed them? I know there's a lot of companies that sell like sort of a raw diet for dogs. That's why I'm asking this. They have like these tubes of raw food. I mean, that's kind of, yeah, that I have. That's, I usually only do it for like training, but that's what they're designed to eat.

I mean, they're designed to eat raw, they're wolves, you know, they're just designed to eat raw meat. This dog, like, like I said, he's the sweetest dog of all time. But he can barely keep it together when I have meat. Barely. It's crazy. He's like ready to jump up at me. Because also the meat that we eat is full of antibiotics and chemicals. It's been frozen 50,000 times.

There's no fucking blood in it. You're bringing home this like fresh, real meat with no garbage in it. So he's like, you're awakening his primal. His reactions are incredible. And his reactions are incredible and his reactions are way they're just it's way more extreme i'd be super interested in juxtaposing like store-bought meat and then your elk meat and seeing what he goes i think they would eat either one of them yeah i mean for sure but whatever they got yeah i mean meat is meat i think to a dog i

don't i mean i bet if you gave him time and allowed him to discern and hunger was not an option. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he'd already. He'd probably lean towards the elk. I would think so. He'd probably lean towards the bloody stuff. Yeah.

Certainly more than that towards, than dog food. If you put the elk down next to a bowl of dog food, he would totally ignore the dog food. If you like let the dog loose in a room.

Yeah, dog food's garbage. And one bowl of elk and one bowl of dog food. They would go to the elk a hundred percent of the time. Have you ever read the ingredients in dog food? It's. Yeah, dog food's garbage. And one bowl of elk and one bowl of dog food. They would go to the elk 100% of the time. Have you ever read the ingredients in dog food? It's like sugar, sucralose. You're like, what?

High fructose corn syrup? I mean, it's just like trash. I buy this stuff that has no grain in it, and it's all, a lot of it is wild game. And a lot of it is like lamb and beef. I'm hearing people talk about their dogs eating cancer at five. I'm just like, what are you feeding your dog? It also could be a genetic thing, right? Could it be a fucked up breed?

Environmental. I think dogs are supposed to eat meat. I would think that if you could figure out a way, I've been thinking about that lately, actually hunting for my dog. Getting some food and putting it aside just for the dogs. You should do that. I always do. Whenever I make eggs, I'll make some for the dogs. You should do that.

I always do. Whenever I make eggs, I'll make some for the dogs. Yeah, just grind it up. Make and just see if they behave different, if they feel different. Yeah, sometimes I'll just feed them meat and then eggs. And then a couple days later, I'll just give them marrow. Sometimes I'll just give them marrow bones for the day. What I'm thinking of is that's some of the only mass-produced factory farm food that I still buy.

Dog food? Yeah, it's got to be factory farmed. I mean, they're getting it the cheapest way they could get it, right? If you're buying some sort of dry chicken. It's like feeding your kids Lucky Charms. You know? Yeah, it just gives the dogs meat.

Yeah. And then they sleep more, you know. They probably fart more. It's just probably fart more. A little fucker. Yeah. Does he fart a lot? more. It's just probably fart more. A little fucker. Yeah. Does he fart a lot? Sometimes.

It's not a lot, but when he does, it lets you know. Well, see what actually, have him eat meat and see if he farts less. Because their bodies are working so hard to break it down, they have to release methane gas. That could really be what it is. Yeah. When your dogs are farting, that means something's up. It's like when you're farting a lot, it's just like, what did I eat? Yeah.

What's going on in there? Why is my body working so hard to break this down? Why isn't this digestible? Do you follow any kind of crazy diet? You know, I had eating disorders. Uh-oh. Shocker. Plot twist, I mean, obviously.

So I have to be careful with that shit. How'd you get over them? You know, a lot of things. I, like, went into a 12-step program for codependence, you know, a lot of things. I like went into a 12 step program for codependence, you know, which and I did this like inner child work. It all sounds like very hippie and like ridiculous. But I had to start reparenting myself because I grew up around eating disorders. I saw a lot of it. There wasn't a lot of eating in my house. There was a lot of eating on the go. There was nothing in my fridge. Like it just never occurred to me to take care of myself nutritionally. Um, but eating disorders are a lot about control for the most part. I'm sure you know that. So, um, it was like my life fell out of control when I was a teenager. And that was the one thing I could control is what I ate. Getting thin also got me attention. It got people to like worry about me and fawn over me and that I wanted attention. And I think that coupled with like intense therapy with it and then doing a job where I get my sort of quota of attention in healthy ways, that box is checked.

I no longer need to get attention in unhealthy ways. Does that make any sense? So it was basically an attention thing and also just a bad programming thing. Bad conditioning. Yeah. And you had both of those things sort of. Yes, and I had an adversarial relationship with my body and with food, and it was a very antisocial behavior as well.

Like, I was able to isolate. Like, I, in school, was not very social. I was socially awkward. I was really scared of people. And having, like, fucked up eating, like, you're eating in your car, you're, you know, you can't really go to dinner with people. It's kind of a way that I put a wall up between myself and other people as well. Why does that more common, a female thing, like what, from your perspective, like when you think about like people having like that, that phrase, having an adversarial

relationship with your body, you don't really hear guys say that. Well, because we have an expiration date and you guys kind of don't maybe. And then we also have this sort of, what is it, golden rule or symmetrical need to look fertile to you guys where it's like tiny waist, tiny legs, big hips, big boobs. You know, like I think there's just like a lot more pressure on our bodies because our bodies are why you guys decide to protect us and procreate with us or not. You know, and then there's, of of course the social construction of what's beautiful. Like, you know, eating disorders. I read this amazing book. I can't remember the name of it, but how their, um, eating disorders, uh, in Italy

only started when American television went over there and it's like tearing apart the fabric of their families because food is how they show love and connect with each other. And mothers, you know, make, you know, it starts with breastfeeding and then it's feeding you pasta and this and girls stopped eating pasta and dairy because they started getting eating disorders and it was like tearing apart the fabric of Italian families, which is amazing to think about. But I definitely grew up around a lot of it. I saw women, you know, I think that we all have such a fucked up relationship with, you

know, our children because we tell our kids to do certain things, but we don't do those things. So I heard adults say like, I need to lose weight. I need to lose five pounds, adults who were not fat. And so I internalized sort of, oh, that's the body that I need minus five, you know, like I just saw a lot of fucked up shit. Um, and women that had adversarial relation with the body. So I just like, I didn't know any better. But it seems like a lot of women have it like from the jump, right? I mean, it's not something that I don't even know if you're really aware of your expiration date when you're 16 and 17. You think you're not thinking about your longevity, right? You're thinking about your current state. Yeah, women are objectified at such a young age. You know, my brother is so good. He's got these daughters and they're gorgeous.

And he always tells people, don't tell them they're pretty, tell them they're smart. At such a young age, you're told like, you're so beautiful. You're so pretty. And whereas boys are like, you're so cool. You're so awesome. You're so good at football or whatever. So I think from such an early age, I thought my appearance was the only thing that I had to offer the world. And I just got really obsessed and fastidious about like what it looked like. And I just thought I had to be really skinny at a young age. thought I had to be really skinny at a young age. How you talk to kids like that in that regard is very important. Like instead of saying, you're so good at that, you're supposed to say, see how working hard has paid off this way? Really? Yeah.

You're supposed to say, look, all the times you've gone to class, now you can do this. This is amazing. You've progressed. I also heard it's really good because I had struggled with intense perfectionism and eating disorders are a big part of that because I didn't know I was allowed to have flaws as a kid because my parents, I think, always tried to put on a front that everything was fine when it wasn't. Whereas what they say you're supposed to do with kids is fuck up and then course correct and then they get to see resilience. So you go, hey, I was late to pick you up from school today. I totally miscalculated the time. I'm really sorry.

Instead of being like, oh, there was a line at the bank and things. Or just, you know, like you don't lie to kids. You aren't supposed to pretend things are fine or you're not supposed to pretend you're perfect to be this hero to them. Or if like you're fighting with your spouse, you go like, hey, we kind of got in an argument and I was wrong and now we're fine. You don't say like, no, everything's fine. We were just watching a movie. It was the sound from the TV. You know, you don't lie to them. Right, right, right. And I never never had any of that i just got the message very young that like i had to be perfect and thin and that's the way it translated see that's very

rare that boys get the thin message that's what i'm trying to get to it it's like it's odd that it hits girls you guys the opposite you have to be muscular and strong i mean i recently just learned that men like have body image stuff i just had no idea but it just manifests in different ways Right. It's like you guys have to be like cut you have to be big you have to be you know Yeah, some dick like you guys have all that shit Yeah, some men do have the fat thing like where it really bothers them really folks their guys are eating salads all over the place Yeah, there's a lot of yeah, no question about it I mean, it's just especially like when you're trying to course correct, you know, like you've

got, you decide, okay, I'm going the other way. I am going to fucking, like you look at yourself in the mirror, you get disgusted and you're like, I'm not eating. And you get like dysmorphic. I mean, I see a lot of guys and I'm curious your take on this because you're such a big part of this world of like these guys who are like, I'm paleo, they don't eat anything. And I'm like, this is just, this is still fucking rigid and fucked up. And I see guys with their cricket protein shit.

I dated a guy who just ate dry protein. I'm like, this is a fucking eating disorder. When is it healthy? When does it go into disordered and dysfunctional? Well, it's unnecessary based on the results you get from it. It's like, okay, if you just eat healthy foods and you take, like, say, I mean, depending upon how much training you're doing, you might want to take a protein supplement occasionally, you know, take something that's easily digestible, concentrate on, like, macronutrients, concentrate

on getting most of it from your food, but making sure you balance things out with supplements. Once you do all that, like, why are you eating dry protein, dude? Like, what is this? Just eat some food, get a nice piece of salmon and a salad and it's going to be way better for you than what you're eating. But a lot of it's irrational. I used to have such an irrational fear of fat. Like I would go to a restaurant, order steamed vegetables. If there was oil on it, I would like pat it down. Like it was like insanity. It was, but, but eating disorders are not logical they're completely

they become like a mirage like i used to only eat like dried fruit which is so fucking bad for you and fattening it's just sugar you're eating pure sugar yeah you know it's not logical you know that tastes so good yes but then i would like go to the gym for four hours it's like i wasn't even good at having an eating disorder i was like you, you're not even, I was eating 4,000 calories a day. It's like, what? You're not even good at being anorexic. So it's like, I just,

it becomes so irrational and you just get so illogical and you just have so many blind spots about. Yeah, but don't you think you just know a whole lot more about nutrition now too? Cause like when this is going on, like say, say, say back to like 20 years ago, how many people really knew how to eat correctly?

Everybody was eating whole grain bread, and they thought that was the way to go. But everything, there wasn't this, like, high fructose corn syrup and fucking everything and, like, antibiotics and garbage and everything. If we didn't notice. You're eating real food. There was that. But we didn't understand, like, what your body actually needed. We were trying to go low-fat with everything. Yeah, that's true.

Everybody was trying to go with low-fat yogurt. Yeah. Did you know low-fat milk has sugar in it? That's disgusting. Low-fat milk has sugar in it. They put sugar in it because otherwise it's vile. They put bleach in it, too? Yeah, rat piss.

They just put all sorts. All rat piss. Do you know about Rat Kings? Rat Kings? Oh, yes, I do. I'm obsessed with rat kings right now. That is insane. Insane.

I saw a photo of a bunch of dead ones all tangled together by the tail. Because they just starve to death? Well, is that what a rat king is? A rat king is when they're... It's like when they all get tangled together, right? Yeah, all their tails get tangled, and then they shit, and it all congeals, and they just turn into a mass of rats, and then they starve to death and die. Oh, Jesus.

I know. Now, how do their tails get all tangled up like that? I don't know. It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? I mean, they are pretty, what, sinewy. You've never seen this before, Jamie? I don't know. Yeah.

A rat king. Yeah, there it is right there. So that's one where their tails all get tangled together and they all rot it out and die. But why do they get stuck together? Aren't they like kind of slimy? I guess, if I had to guess, that they spend too much time in a very small area. I would imagine. Is that a squirrel king? The squirrel king.

The squirrels got accidentally intertwined? No. Oh no, that's heartbreaking. What are they going to do? They're going to get eaten by coyotes. Oh, fuck. That's how it goes. Hold on, but that rat king. Does that bother you? Does predation bother you? Like you love animals. I do love animals.

Here's what I'll say. Your deal, because you do it from an angle of like conservation, I think is amazing. Well, I sort of do it from an angle of conservation. And sport. Well, no. Food, mostly. Food's number one. But conservation is a consequence of trying to seek out food that way because the money that's spent goes directly to trying to preserve the habitat where these animals live and to keep things public, to keep all this land.

Like we have millions of acres of land public. Yeah. I know that we need predators in order to, for things to make sense like that, why, you know, wolves being reintroduced into Yellowstone, basically everyone, you know, like like, you call out a couple, and more people, more get to live, right? Not people. But I'm sort of obsessed with that. And also, I mean, just understanding that, like, kind of the, such a big key to, you know, whatever, it sounds ridiculous,

but I don't know why I have shame about, like, giving a shit about the environment. I don't know when being into the environment became, like, you're, like, lame. But it's, like crazy lame but it's like i think it's 240 000 gallons of water for one cow and we only eat 40 of cows normally 40 of its bodies 40 of its body we are so wasteful and the way that you do it which is like you're eating every part of the body and don't you eat it for like months at a time and stuff oh yeah i

think what you're doing for the environment is amazing. Well, I think that's a consequence of just being selfish. And selfish not in a bad way, but I mean the honest word is selfish because my feelings about meat were I really enjoyed eating meat. And I was thinking like, well, let me look at it from a health perspective. And boy, if you look at it objectively, there's a lot of shit that vegans try to point out. But if you look at it objectively, there's almost nothing that shows that eating meat with vegetables is bad for you. Don't they digest at different speeds? Is that true? Does what digest?

Not that that really matters. You're killing me with this mic. I'm sorry. Why am I doing this? I don't know. What's wrong with me? I'm rusty on my podcast. Don't worry about it.

I know because I'm actually trying to talk to you. I keep forgetting we're on a show. It just gets weird. But is it, I mean, because our teeth are sharp. This is proof we're designed to be predators, right? Well, we're more omnivores. We're not predators. Because if we were capable, this is like the argument against us being predators by like

really like argumentative vegans who like they give these speeches about if we were really predators, we would have fangs. We'd be able to eat things raw. You know, we are just opportunists and we are hedonists and we don't need to live like this. And they argue that because our intestines are longer. Yeah, but the argument's not good. Here's why it's not good. We evolved to kill animals and cook them and then chew them up and eat them.

We've been doing that for thousands of years. That's why we look this way and we don't look like chimps who also eat meat. Chimps eat chimps. Right. Who also eat meat. Right. Chimps eat chimps. Bone marrow. They cannibalize. Chimps eat monkeys all the time. Is that true?

Yeah. Chimps eat a lot of monkeys. Jesus. A lot of monkeys. Kill them? They eat them alive. They tear them apart. There's much, much video of chimps, particularly in the Congo, grabbing monkeys out of trees and eating them alive.

What? Just tearing them apart with their hands. Are chimps what ripped that guy's face off? Yes. Yeah. Chimps are the closest to us, of course. Superhumans. Yeah.

They're so close to what we are. They're like one step left or right of the evolutionary chain. Something like 96 to 99% of our DNA. They're like insanely strong. Insanely strong. Like we can't even rationalize. But smaller than gorillas. Way smaller. But as strong as a 500 pound man.

Like a 150 pound chimpanzee is like literally like bigger than a Game of Thrones guy. That's insane. Like just rip you apart. Like you'll never be able to understand the amount of power they can generate with their limbs. My concern is more you know we're designed to eat meat great, great, but the way that

we eat meat is actually killing us in the long term and destroying our planet so much that we're just going to fucking go extinct if we don't just, you know, do it in the kind of way that you do it. Yeah. There's some chimps right there tearing apart a monkey. See the little hands? Holy fuck. Why does that look like a gorilla to me?

No, that's a chimp. That's a straight up chimp. That's a big ass fucking chimp. I that monkey apart i had no idea that they ate meat it's their favorite thing what yeah that's the thing they love more than anything it's just hard to get a monkey but when they get a monkey they don't give a fuck about a banana so what's the difference between chimps and gorillas? Gorillas are vegetarians. Really? 100% vegetarian.

But they're bigger. Yep, huge. They're the biggest primates we know of. They have these giant fangs and that's just for war. You know, that's just one gorilla takes care of like,

you know, a gang of bitches and a gorilla has a tiny little dick like an inch long. Really? Yeah, tiny little dick.

Why? Because penis sizes and testicle sizes are directly proportionate to the amount of promiscuous females in the area. So with chimps, chimps have giant balls because all chimp women are hoes. And these bitches are just slinging that pussy from branch to branch. Isn't that why human dicks evolved to have that little hook at the end to scoop out the competitor's semen? Yeah, that's why the bigger head is more successful because it's like a plunger.

It just gets in there and pulls it out. Does circumcision fuck that up? I wonder. I bet it does. I'm sort of obsessed. I'm sure. I'm sure it would. Yeah.

You're going to hear all about this tonight at the Ice House. Circumcision, I used to have a whole series of bits about it. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's insane. It's one of the last insane rituals that we almost universally... Like, it's crazy that we do this, right? Yeah.

People lose penises every year there are many kids every year that lose their penis due to infection where they never get a dick their entire life because somebody wanted to go through a ritualistic dick skin cutting on a baby just beside the religious argument for it and also the sanitation argument no longer makes sense it's we have purell. We can disinfect baby penises. It's such a stupid argument. It's like in the argument is that there's a direct connection to the amount of people who are uncircumcised who also have HIV in Africa. The way it was explained to me, like, yeah, but the people that are uncircumcised also probably weren't taking care of themselves, weren't in a good family environment where they went through ritualistic things. Who knows what they were exposed to? What kind of intravenous drugs?

What kind of lack of food and nourishment? What kind of diseases did they encounter that crushed their immune system? What part of Africa are they at? What is the prevalence? Have they actually been tested positive for HIV? Or are we dealing with a T cell count issue? Has this been established that these people have AIDS?

Like what? Well, there's also causing it. There's also all this, um, these metrics coming out now that it's emotionally traumatizing, which makes it, which makes it that men, um, can't express their feelings. 80% of the men that are circumcised have a harder time expressing their feelings. It was like something I read. And, uh, yeah, because the only woman that you have ever met gives you to a stranger when you're five days old and cuts your dick off in front of people.

And when you start crying, they just start clapping and taking pictures. Of course, you're going to distrust women. I literally heard this come out of a lady's mouth. I did it to my son because I don't want it to look gross for him. Oh, my God. She's like, I don't want his dick to look gross. You should have called child services. But you're allowed to do it.

That's what's crazy. If circumcision didn't exist. It is insane that it is even legal. Imagine if it didn't exist. Imagine if you were cutting off women's vaginas. There would be riots in the streets. I mean, I've heard some really crazy fucking arguments from people that are super ultra progressive that start going down the rabbit hole with Islam where they don't want to criticize

anything. And someone called it egalitarian gender surgery. The genital mutilation was some sort of egalitarian gender surgery. For men and women? Yeah, women. But women. Women. Oh, my God.

Women, which is. It's gotten too ridiculous. They cut off your clit. It's not the same thing. It's way worse. A lot of porn stars do that for aesthetic reasons. What? Labioplasty.

You know, like in porn. Right, but they don't cut their clit off. Which is the enemy. Yes. You ever see vagina. They cut their clit? You ever see vagina. You want me to draw it?

You ever see vaginas that don't have the chicken gizzard? No. That's a labioplasty. And they do it for aesthetic reasons. Because they have the, they've got that like, you know. Yeah. Mud flaps. Yeah.

They've got the kind of oyster vibe going. But does the clitoris get cut there as well? Yes. Oh, Jesus. Which is like, you guys are watching porn with these girls that are generally mutilated and aren't even having orgasms and you're being lied to. Yeah. Yeah.

So if the vagina doesn't have this on it, you know. If I see one of them, I'm calling the police. They went to one of those strip mall plastic surgeons and got that thing shaved off. I've seen porn where I'm like, where's her labia? What is going on? They're just cutting

them right off. To numb the outside edge of your pussy and remove the meat. Just to give it some sort of attractive pose. And that is what's causing so many problems because you're seeing that fake vagina and then you see a real one and you're like, oh, this is ugly. It's like, no, this is

just what a vagina looks like. It's like the new voluntary female circumcision. But at least... Sorry. Clitoral hood reductionism. Hood? We do need to change the name of that. Look under the hood, everybody. I'd really rather not.

A hoodie. Let's say hoodie. That's at least a little more endearing. But at least it's relatively... Oh, my God. Is it worth it? Look at this. Reviews, costs. Get the fuck out of your pictures.

Stop this. I have friends who have gotten the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, and they said it was more painful than childbirth. Owie. But what they do is they ask you, do you want to go back to 16, 18 or 21? They ask you what age you want to go back to. What if you say 12? Here's my point.

Girls have had different amounts of sex at those ages. So it's like, I want her 21, not my 21. Yeah. What in the fuck kind of question is that? I know. I mean, it's disproportionate though, the amount of people that get circumcisions versus the amount of people that get labia, labia reduction, right? Well, at least labia reduction is somewhat consensual.

I mean, you're choosing to do it. I mean, you probably aren't all there if you're a porn star anyway, but I just think doing it when you're five days old isn't particularly fair. It's so unfair, and it's so crazy that it's the norm. It's more common than not. The norm. Yeah. I think something like 75% of American men?

It's so unnecessary and it doesn't do any good. It's not a good thing. And there's like some numbness too. Do you know guys who are uncircumcised? Yeah, they say it feels way better. When you're uncircumcised. Yeah, exactly. How do you?

You're just talking shit. Might be worse. But it's a thin layer of mucus develops over the head of the dick where it's like protected by the skin and it stays moist in there

and supposedly more sensitive whereas after you've had your foreskin removed it's dried out and it's a numb dick well it also cuts some nerve endings yes

which is actually you know what maybe you guys do need less nerve endings I actually think if all men weren't circumcised nothing would ever get done. It's probably part of the case.

Because you'd be jerking off all day. If everybody could suck their own dick and no one was circumcised, that's the reason why everybody comes just short. Maybe that's why our country has such a prolific GDP, because the men are circumcised. And they can't suck their own dick. If sex felt any better, we'd have a real problem on our hands. Yeah, maybe if you go to a city and it's like super advanced, you know that the dick size is directly proportional to the face, how far the face can get down on most men.

Can anyone suck their own dick? I'm just curious. Oh, yeah. There's a dude online that someone sent me a video of this guy literally fucking his own face. It was so disturbing. He was doing like a shoulder press. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was doing like a shoulder press where it was like his neck was flat on the ground, okay? And then his body was like super flexible and it was up like his back was this. And he was bent over so down that he was literally deep throating his own dick. And then he jizzed in his own mouth, pulled out, like kept jizzing on his own

face and then stuck it back in his mouth again yeah and I saw it and I can't unsee it is he saying somebody sent it to me it was an animated gif and I was like you motherfucker can't believe you dude how about that one that Nick Swartzen sent us the other day you didn fist. Wait, I don't remember. You didn't, you remember that one? I don't think so. This guy, he's that fucking asshole, Nick Swartzen. He sent us.

The stuff Nick sends me is just, is always, I've become desensitized to it. It's a guy carrying a guy. It's like, imagine if he had a backpack but in front of you.

we have a couple shades going with offensive things. I think it's the three of us. The pregnant girl with a gun? No. It's one where a guy literally, it's like his arm is soaped up. There's all white foam

all over his arm. And he's got a guy and he is like literally elbow deep inside this guy's ass. And he's picking him up and putting him down and the guy's just letting the fist. What's the white foam? It could be anything. Who knows? Bear spray? Hold up.

Mr. Clean. Hold on, why? You're playing mace. I fuck with mace as a fucking lube. I'm looking through our chain and it's pretty horrific. Yeah, there's a lot of horrific shit in that email chain. Oh, I see. Oh, wait.

Is this the thing with the... No. The guy's got his... He said... Is it that? It's not that. Yeah, that's it. Oh.

Click on it. Oh, God, I don't know. Look at this. This might be more upsetting than R. Kelly. Real talk! Wait, it's not playing. It's not? No, it's like a still.

No. What is this? No, that's not the one. Oh. I'm sorry. That's the one where a dude's fucking a dude in the butt. That's a still. The one with all of us together is...

He's got... Isn't there a way you can do it? Yeah, there's a way you can go to just the things that have been texted. He gets drunk and it'll just hurt your feelings. I love it. With an animated gif. You're like, hey. I love it. That was a real thing.

It's good. Like quick adrenaline hit. I'm learning a lot on this text chain. You can learn a lot. It's humbling, quite frankly. I'm like, am I supposed to be doing this? Am I supposed to be doing this? Is this what the kids are doing?

I can't. I can't keep up with this stuff. No one can keep up with anything anymore. What does fisting establish? Is that a real thing? Or is that a joke? You're willing to take it to a level sort of like ultra marathon running. You know, like, why are you running 205 miles? You're just taking it endurance and mental strength to a level that

very few people can get to. But fisting is like, not only will I let you fuck my ass, i'll let you ball up your fucking paws and does it feel good to anybody or that's a pathological um thing why do people get their face pierced why why do people have yeah yeah yeah well that's like i i want to be stigmatized and I want to be a part of a tribe. But like getting fisted in private is not about acceptance or maladaptive behavior. That's like fucking horses. It's about taking things to the next level, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a lot of things people do sexually is to try to freak out the partner to let them know that they're on another level. Like I'm on some super freak level. Like put it in my ass, baby. I'm at the point where I'm like, you know, be really kinky missionary. Like that's like the craziest thing you can do these days. Yeah. Let's get crazy. Yeah.

Let's kiss during sex and I'll be on the bottom. But some people know, right? Some people want to do freak shit. And then if someone's going to want to do freaky shit, there's always going to be someone who wants to take it to the next level and show you. No, I'm a super freak. I'm not a regular freak. You can fist me motherfucker and the next thing you know Do you think this is all the people who don't

get to do what you get to do and fight people and do comedy like people that don't get to get those extreme needs met? They might not have ever found a path for them to sort of express themselves through and then they're spiraling out of control with like poor programming they might not have ever found a path for them to sort of express themselves through. And then they're spiraling out of control with like poor programming and shitty relationships with their family and friends that are fucked up.

And all that leads to someone with a fist up your ass. Sign up for an open mic at the comedy store. Or something else. You know, I mean, the thing is like everybody's personality would lend itself to a different kind of pursuit. And it's one of the real problems with some sort of a cookie cutter existence. The idea that you, in any way, shape, or form, would be most happy in a cubicle is patently

insane. Insane. It's insane. I mean, it's literally, oh look, you get to put your Star Wars toys up in the cubicle with you. Show everybody you're kind of a wacky nerd type guy. Is fisting new because we're all in cubicles or has it always been around even when we're fighting each other in the

streets? Well, you gotta think during the Roman Empire somebody fisted somebody, right? Constantly. For sure. They were going so deep they were crazy. They were literally trying to be as hedonistic as possible. I was just at the Coliseum and Amazing, isn't it amazing and i

don't know that much about it but it was funny i was like this is fucking barbaric and the tour guide was like uh nothing is as barbaric as the nfl like these she was like these were like criminals these were people who were gonna die anyway they only did these fights once every couple months if the emperor wasn't into it they didn't do it at all. They were like, you guys routinely have people killing each other on television and you guys cheer. Yeah, sort of. They brought in lions.

Lions, animals. They made animals extinct. Really? Yeah, they made species of animals extinct because they used them in the Coliseum so much. Didn't know that. Yeah, look at that up. I read that just a few days ago. But a lot of what they were doing was actually reenacting wars

because they didn't have newspapers. They were doing reenactments and stuff and people would get injured. How about when they told you they put water in there and had boat fights? Insane. You're like, what? What? Why were you guys more advanced than we are today? They had SeaWorld.

They had a SeaWorld. They had like a show. They have an excellent SeaWorld show. Like a water world show at Universal. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's fucking pretty badass.

What's in it? It's like this choreographed water world scenario. People or animals? Yeah, people. People shooting at each other and shit. What is this? Who? Fighting killed off whole species.

Yeah, the sheer quantity and slaughter in the Coliseum saw the number of lions, jaguars, and tigers plummet across the grove. According to some, Roman hunting absolutely devastated the wildlife of North Africa and the entire Mediterranean region, wiping some species of animals off the map entirely. Amazing. 9,000 animals. The hippo disappeared? In one particularly brutal set of games in which 9,000 animals were slaughtered. The hippo disappeared from the River Nile. And North African, they were fighting elephants?

Yeah, they were using elephants and lions. And some of the lions escaped and tigers had leapt to the front rows where the richest people lived. Or the richest people had their seats. And killed the richest people. And so they had to develop these fence systems all around and they had to raise the whole thing. This guy was like explaining how they had to protect the rich people who sat in the front row. I think that's fucking amazing. Those lions are awesome.

Could you imagine? Eat the rich. I hear they're going to start putting nets up at baseball games. Really? There's going to be nets. People from baseball. A baby got hit by a ball. Oh, God.

A baby got hit? A baby got hit. a ball god a baby got a baby got hit so soon there's gonna be nets in all the fields a baby to a baseball game no is the baby dead i don't know i didn't ask i didn't want to know but there's gonna be it happened in hockey after a girl got hit by a puck and where i'm from but apparently hockey pucks slow down but baseballs like don't as quickly or something. It killed her? Yeah, she died. The girl in Columbus died.

That's why they have nets up all over every hockey arena now. So the pucks aren't flying into the crowd. I thought they had glass. Did you get hit by a puck? No, it used to be a thing to catch a puck when it came into the crowd like a foul ball in baseball. Because they would flip over and whatnot. But they started flying because people got better and hitting faster slap shots, etc. Now there's a net. You almost can't even catch one now. Is it all hockey

arenas? At least NHL. Where did it hit her? I think it hit her in the head. Jesus! She wasn't sitting very super close, but most are good seats now so they're all good seats, etc. Who hit it? A player. Do you get in trouble? I mean, I guess.

Do you get a penalty for that? I feel like just your mom yelling at you. Well, that one guy got. Don't tell mom I killed that lady in the audience. Do you get paid more money because you're so good at hitting? The one guy got an assault charge for hitting the guy with the stick, but that was like player on player. Right, that's different.

And then illegal or within the. But that's an actual assault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On your ticket it says like you're assuming all risk of potential whatever can happen to you at the event. Eating a puck. But yeah, but now all baseball fields are going to have nuts. It's not the worst idea in the world if people died from it.

But the nerfing of the world continues. Or do you just say you can't bring children and babies? Baseball is just different because it's like American pastime. Yeah, I think you should wear a glove and don't bring a baby. That's my take on it. Yeah. You know, and if a ball's coming, you got to be paying attention all the time. Don't leave your kid alone.

You got to be there with the fucking glove. It's a nightmare. Should be able to show that you can catch a 90 mile an hour fastball. I mean, do you think that is that going to kill baseball to have to look through nets? Well, what's happening to all sports is they're nerfing things up, right? And that's the big thing that Donald Trump got criticized for the most was when he said that the not just the thing about the players kneeling, but that they're killing the game with all these safety regulations. Like, wait a minute, man. Safety regulations.

These people are dying. They're changing the rules. They can't read at 35 all of a sudden. They are getting fucked up. But isn't it all the things that are- Someone has to do something. All the things that are supposedly making them safer, the helmets, are actually becoming weapons and the things that they're injuring each other with.

Yes. The people that believe that, and I tend to believe that rugby is a superior sport. Are those no helmets? No helmets. No helmets. No helmets. See, I'm not a fan of either one. Not that I don't.

If I had to choose to watch one, since I don't give a fuck who wins the Super Bowl or I don't watch it, right? Yeah. But if I had to choose to watch, like somebody said, hey, you want to go see a rugby game or a football game? I'm like, I want to go see a rugby game. Yeah. They don't have any helmets or pads on.

Like, that's real. But they're not hitting each other the way that they do in the- You can't. You would die. You would die. You would break your body. You'd break your teammates. Everybody would get fucked up. They hit each other a lot. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. You can't. You would die. You would die. You would break your body. You'd break your teammates. Everybody would get fucked up.

They hit each other a lot. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. It's a rough game. Yeah. But it's a smarter and it's a more realistic game. It's like putting on

this stupid outfit. No offense, guys. But all that shit you're doing, all those, if you're such a badass, why do you have all pads on? Yeah.

Like, what is this? The only reason why you're able to run at each other full clip is because of pads. Right, right, right, right. It's crazy. Take that stupid shit off and you'll get a more honest representation of what's possible when people collide with each other.

Yeah. And you'll have way less head to head. You skill instead of just brute force. Exactly. Do you think there will ever be a day where there is no NFL? I mean, no NFL, yeah. I would hope that the NFL would just go to a more rugby based system. Obviously, look, I'm an idiot. Don't listen to me. That the NFL would just go to a more rugby based system obviously look

I'm an idiot don't listen to me if you're an NFL fan you love you understand the game is relatively safe Compared to the old days I don't know shit about NFL But I know that wearing helmets like if it's the same thing to me about like striking with boxing gloves I think striking should be bare-knuckle. I think we'd be safer I think you'd have fighters would have less brain trauma. Because you would strike less. Yeah, you wouldn't be able to just openly start wailing on someone. You'd shatter your hands.

It's not that easy. So you're more calculated. Much more calculated. There's much more emphasis on accuracy. You couldn't just hit someone as hard as you want to. The thing about having pads on your gloves, it's like if you're going to punch a door, right, like a real

solid wood door, and you just knuckle that door full blast, man, you're going to get fucking hurt. But you can kind of punch a door like this, so you can do that, and it doesn't really hurt. But you can hit someone a bunch of times like that, and it doesn't hurt you if you have bare knuckle.

But if you have pads, if you have pads on your knuckle, you can just fucking slam that table, and it doesn't hurt at all. You're literally not capable of punching full blast with knuckles all the time, especially if you hit like an elbow or you hit a forehead. Guys shatter their hands on people's foreheads. Your forehead is a dome that's good for head-butting. Wow. Like this area right here. That's what it's designed for, yeah. It's so hard to break that.

You're not going to break it with a hand. But if you hit someone right here, it's pretty devastating. This is more flat. Is this softer? No. No, it's more flat. You can get a good impact on it. But if you catch this bridge, like a lot of times people break their hand by catching

this bridge. So what happens is the curve of the head runs into the middle of your hand. That's fucked. And you're, cause you're just trying to tee off. Right. And if you're in a fight and you're just trying to swing as hard as you can, if you hit forehead and the curve of that forehead hits the middle of those fingers, like where the, it's, that's the weakest area. It's almost like bends in between the joints. They snap and they also snap back here. They snap on the top of the hand, particularly the last two knuckles. These aren't really connected to the rest of your arm.

These two knuckles are what you're supposed to concentrate on because they're sort of reinforced by the wrist. But they break, too. Your whole hand breaks. Hands are super fragile. You're making me wonder, the same way Michael Phelps was just born to swim, right? His fucking wingspan, his heart, you know, all that shit. Yeah, really. Are there people whose faces are just born to fight?

Oh, for sure. Wow. Faces were born, for sure, they can take more impact. Wider faces, bigger heads, thicker necks. Wow. For sure they can absorb better. Everybody can get knocked out. Right.

Because the human body is just so flawed, especially if you have, like, some crazy ouster ovarium type character kick you in the head. Anyone can get knocked out because the human body is just so flawed. Especially if you have some crazy ouster, ovarian type character kick you in the head. Anyone can get knocked out. But it's less likely to get knocked out if you're shaped a certain way. And your hands, the shape of your hands makes a giant difference as well. It's like how much impact you can deliver. Do you want bigger

hands? Yes. George Foreman had enormous hands. There's a guy named Francis Ngannou who's one of the top UFC heavyweights. Every time I shake his hands, I just go, ah! Jesus! He's got these fucking hammers, like these giant hammers, and he just knocks people just dead. It's a huge advantage, a structural advantage. It's like the difference between having a ball-peen hammer, a little tiny hammer for nails, and having a sledgehammer.

It literally is a difference. It's just having that extra weight on the end, especially if there's a lot of body mass behind it as well. Just a massive advantage. So would you want there to be no gloves? Hey, look at his hands. The size of this motherfucker's hands. Jesus! Yeah, they're enormous. That doesn't seem fair.

They're enormous. It does not seem fair. Ah, that's Brian Stan, by the way, who was the UFC or the WEC 205-pound champion, okay? He was a UFC fighter, a top UFC fighter at 185 pounds. He's a big boy. He looks deformed. And his hands get dwarfed by Ngannou's hands. His hand looks like a stump.

Yeah. So that is an undeniable physical advantage if you can land that punch. Yeah. And then you want a big face and you want a more domed head. Yeah. There's a lot of shit going on. But my point is that if fights had no pads, we would get a more accurate representation of what the body can really do.

Instead, we're making fighters get more damaged because you're letting people tee off. I don't think you should be able to tape your wrists either. I think that's unfair too. What is taping your wrists? It makes it stiffer so it doesn't buckle as much when you impact something because when you hit something, if your hand goes like that, you can really fuck your wrist up. You really get torn tendons and all kinds of shit.

Is it true that people put cement in their gloves and stuff? They have. Yeah. Margarito did that. Yeah. He was fighting a bunch of different guys and busting them up really bad. And then before his fight with Sugar Shane Mosley, they caught him in the locker room with plaster in the wraps of the gloves. Somebody caught him.

And then they started putting two and two together and realizing when he beat up Miguel Cotto, when he beat up all these different fighters, it was an unusual beating. He was hitting them and it was just having an inordinate effect on them. Hitting people way harder than anybody else was. No one could figure out why. Once they took that patting out of his glove... It's like the Lance Armstrong thing. Win, but don't win too big. But way worse. Because Lance Armstrong

was doing that when everybody else was also doing that. Also, of course. Yeah, yeah. No one else was putting plaster in their hands. But don't win by too much if people are going to start getting suspicious. Well, he wasn't necessarily beating everybody, but he was beating a lot of guys. And the way he was beating them, he was fucking them up. And then when he got to Sugar Shane, they caught him with the

plaster. They took it out, rewrapped his hands, and Sugar Shane beat the fuck out of him. And Sugar Shane knew about it. Everybody knew about it. They were talking about it on the broadcast, and that they were almost not letting him fight, and they let him fight with newly wrapped hands. And Sugar Shane knew about it. Everybody knew about it. They were talking about it on the broadcast and that they were almost not letting him fight. And they let him fight with newly wrapped hands. And Sugar Shane just lit him up like a Christmas tree. Fucked him up.

And then Manny Pacquiao fucked him up, too. Everybody fucked him up after that. And would he get a fine? Why do you get to, I mean, I guess. He should have been probably retired from boxing. They should have said there's no way you could ever fight again. They were just like, we want to see you get killed a couple times. Yeah, I mean, he was never the same guy

and he actually wound up fighting. He had a really badly torn retina to the point where I think they put an artificial retina from one of the beatings that he took. I think to Sugar Shane, it might have been to Pacquiao. It might have been to Pacquiao beat him bad. There's a couple of guys beat the fuck out of him.

But it's just, that guy was putting plaster in his gloves. So I just don't think gloves are the way to go. I mean, if you want to do it for boxing, I get it. Boxing is a completely different sport. And there's an art to catching punches on the gloves. But my thing about MMA in particular is why is it okay to elbow someone in the face? But it's not okay to have gloves that are bare knuckle, that's crazy. You could literally smash someone's head.

What's the difference between this and this? You could smash someone's head with an elbow, like right in their eye socket, and that's totally legal. You could smash their nose to a pulp, that's totally legal. But a shin, you could hit someone so hard with your shin. It's a razor blade, ultimately. Well it's a baseball bat, kick someone in the head with your shin. It's a razor blade, ultimately. Well, it's a baseball bat. Yeah.

Like, kick someone in the head with a shin. It's crazy. There's no padding on it at all. But you have to have padding on your fists? That's crazy. Why is that? It's old. When the UFC first came about, it was bare knuckle. And then in some sort of a concerted effort to turn into a legitimized sport and

be accepted by athletic commissions. Because that's pretty new. Very new. Yeah. In terms of like big time sports, it was started in 1993. That's crazy. Just 20 something years old, 24 years old. So they wanted to make it look like in the beginning, the first fights that I saw in

97, when I first started working for the UFC, there was a lot of bare knuckle fighters. Guys fought with shoes on. They were bare-knuckle. You were allowed to grab people's crotches still. You were allowed to grab their clothes. R. Kelly's? Yeah, not that. A little different.

You were allowed to do a lot of shit. You could pull hair for a long time. Really? Yeah, and then they finally got rid of that. They got rid of grabbing clothes. But you didn't have to have knuckle uh padding on your knuckles back then and the people that were super successful realized you could hit people way harder if you have padding on your knuckles of course so vitor belfort was one of the first

right he was 19 years old and he entered the ufc ufc 12 dolphin alabama in 1997 just beat the fuck out of everybody with gloves on what would it take for them to do a rule that said no gloves anymore? They would just have to listen to me. Yeah. And listen to a lot of other martial arts fans. Some people wouldn't want it because they think you would get cut more, which I think you would. Yeah.

You would get more superficial tissue damage, but I think ultimately you'd get less brain damage. I think... Because you'd get hit less. Yeah, I think you'd get hit less. And especially if you practice correctly, I think you could... I mean, you would still run the risk of getting elbowed and kneed and kicked. And it's not safe by any stretch of the imagination. Do you think it has to get to a point where, because MMA is so young, where fighters are 60 and they're blowing their brains out and doing what NFL players are doing?

I don't think people would have to know. I don't hear about a concussion crisis in MMA that much. But it's real. I mean, any sort of combat sport, you're going to have it. No, I mean, I know it's there, but it's not like in the zeitgeist really at the moment. It isn't yet, but it certainly could be. And it probably certainly will be when some of the veterans get into their 60s and 70s and we start to see them like...

Do you ever see Joe Frazier before he died? Oh, yes. He was on... God, my throat. He was on the O and Anthony's show. And it was so bad. His slurring and his inability to put... Even when Floyd was on Howard, it was like...

Floyd Mayweather? Yeah. I don't think he's showing any signs. Really? He was like stuttering. That's just how he talks. Yeah, maybe it was just 5 a.m. 5 a.m., nervous.

Yeah. Talking Howard Stern. Maybe, yeah. Trying to get it together. Yeah, good point. Count all your money. Brain. Talking Howard Stern. Maybe, yeah. You know, trying to get it together. Yeah, good point. Count all your money. Brain damage or talking Howard. And, you know, probably has zero cum left in his body.

Yeah. Probably was banging all night long, right? For sure. Or too much cum in his mouth. What is this? They have a CTE test, they think, at Boston University. They found a biomarker, they think, that can let people know now, ahead of time. Ahead of time?

But isn't it just you get your bell rung three times and they sort of know that already? No, because it varies upon the person. Some people are way more durable for some reason. Really? Yeah, they don't know why. And it could be also connected to what we were talking about before. The actual shape of the head, the thickness of the muscles of the neck, the ability to keep the head from snapping back too much. How many times it actually happens.

How good you are at avoiding things. Some people get hit and they learn how to roll with stuff and it takes a tremendous amount of the impact off. So you think when MMA fighters are in their 60s and 70s and it's not looking good, they might consider no gloves? I don't think they're going to consider it because I think to the general public, gloves mean safer. Gloves mean sport. But do they want safer? Do fans of MMA want safe? I would say if you're talking about public opinion, you're going to have a lot of the

people that aren't really fans that are also going to weigh in. So if you have public opinion, should they take the gloves off MMA? There's going to be a lot of people out there arguing passionately that have no idea what they're talking about. And they don't understand that gloves mean more dangerous. And they will say, no way. It's already barbaric enough. It's really what we should concentrate on is putting more pads and more safety procedures and stopping fights quicker and looking out for the safety of these athletes. But I think much like how pads in football probably cause more injuries to players than rugby.

I think the same thing should be said about MMA. It's so anathema to your logic of like helmets and pads cause injuries. Yeah, it really does. You think they prevent them. That's the only thing that it does any different. It doesn't, like if I had to choose between fighting someone with MMA gloves and fighting someone bare knuckle, I'd get hand wraps and MMA gloves. I'd be like, yeah, wrap me up.

Wrap me up. You could just tee off off on somebody it's a totally different experience if your hands are fragile a lot of times guys will hit each other with the palms of the hands instead yeah because you don't want to break your hands yeah on top of someone you could smash their face with a palm is this the hardest part of your hand well you can hit things hard with a palm and it doesn't hurt at all right yeah it's a different kind a bone. It's a thick bone and it's used to touching and pushing against things. It's the hardest part of your body. Your elbows? Maybe your knee and your elbow. They're real hard.

You can't really break your elbow. People break shit all the time. They break chunks off the bottoms of their elbows from fighting. A lot of guys have to get... I've had friends that have to get surgery where they have floating bone chunks from elbowing people in the head. You chip off little pieces of your elbow. That's not great.

Get kicked there. Do you feel pain when you get hit when you're fighting? You feel less pain than you probably would in regular life because your adrenaline is through the roof and you're in this heightened situation. But you could definitely tell some shots hurt guys. Shots to the legs. A lot of times when you get like that second or third leg kick in the same spot on the legs from a really good leg kicker it's like a jolt that goes to your whole body it's like what the difference between like a leg

kick and anything else is you're different you're dealing with a giant piece of muscle and there's a lot of nerve endings in there right the outside edge of it is kind of tender especially if you're not a person who's used to getting kicked there and if someone like you know not a person who's used to getting kicked there. And if someone like, you know, like a Maurice Smith or an Ernesto Hoos, like a world champion kickboxer slams a shin into there, it is extraordinarily painful. Because I remember that girl that got her arm bitten off by a shark, Bethany someone. She said that when she heard the sound, she heard it, the crunch, but she felt no pain. In fact, she said it felt blissful,

orgasmic, because so much dopamine goes to the area so that you don't give up. Oh my god. Yeah, so I just was curious if in fight or flight modes in fighting, if you're even feeling this stuff. Yeah, you feel it. You feel some stuff more than others. Or just kick in as soon as the fight's over, you're like, oh fuck, I'm in so much pain.

Well, after a fight, you're in severe pain for sure. Just for days. After your whole body's bruised up. It's been a long time since I've felt that, but I definitely remember after fights. What's the most painful place to be hit? The head for sure. Yeah. The body too, though.

Yeah. Your body can hurt for days afterwards if you get hit with like a left hook to the liver, like a really hard left hook to the body. Is tearing the Achilles heel really the most painful injury you can have? Never done it. It's a bad one, though. But I think injured discs are pretty goddamn bad. Injured discs leave a lot

of people with atrophied arms and your back. Because it pushes on nerves? It pushes on nerves and impinges on the signal. So your muscles literally atrophy and shrink up. And if you don't act on it really quickly, it's a really common thing with men that either lift a lot of weights or do it incorrectly and fuck their back up. But aren't we all sleeping wrong and sitting wrong and just doing everything wrong?

There's definitely sitting wrong. Is that why I'm in the Sibian right now? This thing's awesome. What? Yeah. Is this how I'm always supposed to be sitting? Yep. Because we're sitting wrong.

Yeah. How do you sleep? Are you sleeping wrong? I just sleep. But do you sleep on your side? Yeah. Yeah. Do you put a pillow between your knees?

Sometimes. Yeah? Yeah. Are we all supposed to do that? I don't know. We're also shitting wrong and peeing wrong, right? I shit right. I don't know what you're talking about.

I get a squatty potty. Do you? Yeah, I got one of those things. I feel like you just have a hole in your backyard. No, I don't. Yeah, I have one of those too and people come into my house and they think they're like, does a handicapped person live here? I'm like, just calm down. We're all shitting wrong. Yeah, it's easier to shit that way. Squatty potty stuff. And apparently women, we don't empty our bladders completely

when we use regular toilets and that's why we have to pee all the time. What? Yeah. Because we have to use squatty potties when we pee also. Really? Yeah, we don't empty our bladders completely when we use regular toilets, and that's why we have to pee all the time. What? Yeah. Because we have to use squatty potties when we pee also. Really? Yeah, we don't empty our entire bladders. Toilets are not designed for our uteruses, basically. Uteri? Is it plural? Is it uteri? I don't know. But yeah, that's why women always have to pee.

But you can pee standing up, no problem, right? No. Yeah, it just goes all over the place, but it comes out okay. Yeah, it's a mess. Right, but in the shower, right? I don't do that. You should just pee in the shower only. Seems like it'd be a real clean way to do it. It's a real great way to stay single forever.

Why do you think a guy would have a problem? Like, hey, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go pee in the shower. Would you be down with a woman peeing in the shower if you were in there with her? I don't give a fuck. I dated a lot of guys who pee in the shower. Yeah, I pee in the shower all the time. Is it just like... If I have to pee and I'm in the shower, what were in there with her? I don't give a fuck. I dated a lot of guys who pee in the shower. Yeah, I pee in the shower all the time. Is it just like... If I have to pee and I'm in the shower, what do I give a fuck?

I've had guys pee while I'm in the shower. With that, it's like you're peeing on my foot. A lot of what's on my body is grosser than what's coming out of my dick. That's actually really true. Why are we so grossed out by pee? And snot, too. Is that socially constructed? Like, why is this so disgusting? It's gross. Why? I don't know. Especially when a nine-year-old pulls it out. Is that socially constructed? Like, why is this so disgusting? It's gross. Why? I don't know. But this isn't.

Especially when a nine-year-old pulls it out. I know, right? Why? Eye boogers. Eye boogers are not as gross. This isn't grossing you out. Right. But this is.

Yeah. Why? It's weird. I don't know. What is that? It's a good question. It's conditioning. It's probably conditioning.

Yeah. It doesn't seem like there's a rational reason. If you're scratching your ear, if you're scratching your eye, if you reach it. No problem. When you pick out food. Yeah, no problem. It's fine. But this is gross.

But boogers are gross. Why? But I don't even have any boogers in here. That's a good question. I don't know. Tell me. I really wish I knew. I guess it's like a shame thing from the time you're little.

You got a booger in your nose. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Or Mikey eats his boogers. But it's also like, it's like I have a butthole on my face. Right. Like, why is this as gross? I'm trying to ignore that face butthole.

You dig it in there. Two little buttholes. Getting crumps. But why is it so satisfying when you pick out a giant booger? Oh, that's the best feeling. When you get like a giant winter booger and you're like, whoa, look at this goddamn thing. I started getting my nose waxed. Hollow.

The inside of my... This is what happens in like the second hour of the podcast. I just start admitting things I should never tell anyone. That always happens on the show. No, because you have little hairs and they're just unattractive, so I started waxing them. That's a good move. It hurts like all fuck. I have a trimmer. I stick

a little... But why? Guys having nose hair is fine. Girls having it is disgusting. It gets itchy for me and boogers get stuck in it. I clean it out just so I can blow my nose easier. Yeah, because then you get, yeah, the boogers get all, but we're supposed to have nose hairs. I sneeze more. I just sneezed. If you're running, do you ever run? Yeah, I do.

Okay, when you run, do you do a snot rocket? Do you put a finger on one nostril like that and go and then the other side and go do you ever do that? Not only when I'm running. Why when I'm running? Because it's like a good thing to do in the middle of running. But then you have snot all over your face. Yeah, so that's what I'm asking you. Do I'm running? Because it's like a good thing to do in the middle of running. But then you have smell all over your face.

Yeah. Do you run outside? Yes. Yeah. I'm trying to start running barefoot. Do you run inside? Barefoot? Yeah. Like those socks you sent me? Those socks are ridiculous. So stupid. Here's the thing about those socks and I feel it with those five finger running shoes. Are those known? I don't even know. Yeah, I've heard of them. The steel socks?

Yeah, they're made out of Dyneema. Dyneema is the same stuff they use to make bow strings. Oh, really? Yeah, because it's incredibly strong. I mean, you think about it. A bow, you're pulling back like a really heavy bow can go like 80 pounds of pressure to pull it back. And so you have all this force on this very thin wire. It's like the shoestring.

Thinner even, in fact. That's how strong Dyneema is. So they make these shoes out of Dyneema, and you can run on things. Well, I'm getting into, like, I'm trying to be barefoot outside 30 minutes a day. It's a good move. Does it say Dyneema? No, well, today I did kickboxing, which I always do barefoot. So I got a lot of barefoot moving in.

And I also do it on, like on a fairly soft surface, which is great, because your feet really get to dig in. Your toes push off. Very, very good for you. Because don't we want the electrons from the earth or something? That's it. It's Dyneema, Jamie. Yeah, I got these myself, too.

You did? They felt like just putting on garden gloves on your feet. But can you walk on rocks and stuff and it feels fine? I walked outside in my little parking lot and I was like, nah. I literally felt barefoot. Glass was going to go right through my foot. Oh, it wasn't, right?

I wouldn't have run anywhere. But glass won't go through it. I wasn't going to test it. But it just felt like it. Don't be a pussy, bro. They didn't feel comfortable at all. Yeah, this is supposed to be like sneakers. I didn't buy the advertising.

Write a Yelp review. I mean, I bought it, but yeah. How much were they? Expensive? 80 bucks. Jesus. Bow strings cut all the time, accidentally. Bow strings, it's not invulnerable.

In fact, when I was in Hawaii, I accidentally cut one of my bow strings with the broadhead from the arrow. Just touched it. And I didn't even know it happened. That's not so good. Yeah. It's not good. Is it like fishing wire, kind of or fishing um line well it's some sort of a synthetic line i don't know how exactly they make it i think it's got to be different but

there's a bunch of different kind of fishing line too they have braided fishing line that's like the most uh common stuff that they use today yeah yeah fish fish? Yeah. Yeah, I fish. Where? When you go to Utah? Mostly, no. Mostly saltwater. Fly fishing? Yeah. No, just boat fishing. If I'm in the ocean, it's great to catch fish and then you bring it, like if you're staying at a restaurant. Eat it right away. Or at a hotel. Where are you on mercury? Are we eating mercury?

You could definitely get some mercury in your body if you eat a lot of salmon. Yeah. Or if you eat a lot of tuna, rather. Is it salmon? It's tuna, right? Tuna. And swordfish is bad, too. But they just say don't eat it all the time every day you know but with the amount of heavy metals that are in the ocean you're definitely going to get some i don't know how much of it they're actually testing though yeah like have you ever i've just i get my blood tested and i've never shown i did at one point in time i was eating a lot of sardines and it tested positive for arsenic and the doctor's rice tuna though i don't know tested positive for arsenic. And the doctor.

Is that in rice too now though? I don't know. It was a very tiny amount. And the doctor was like, Hmm, what do you like? Go through your diet. And I,

as soon as I hit sardines, he goes, how often do you eat? I go, I eat like two cans a day. Jesus. What? And he's like,

yeah, that's it. You think he goes, yeah, they live in very polluted areas often. And they're at the bottom. Yeah. A lot of times they,

they collect some of the heavy metals that comes from our pollutants. Do you still eat sardines? Yeah. How often? Not every day, not two cans a day, but I ate a can last night. Why do you have to do them canned? Because you don't. You can eat them fresh for sure.

Yeah. They're just a good source of healthy fats when they're canned because they can them in olive oil. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a good high-fat thing to eat for me do you enjoy the taste of them well um yeah they're not that bad i like them also what is this we were talking about this earlier this whole thing of everything has to taste good like that cave shake that i because

there's this thing where it's like everything has to taste good i'm like no they don't everything tastes good it's fucking terrible for you sometimes things that taste good are great for you you know like a juicy steak well that's true that's a good yeah there's things that taste good or great for you. Like what? Like a juicy steak. Well, that's true. That's a good point. Yeah. There's things that are good for you that taste good. Beets. Beets taste delicious. I'm a big fan of beets. I love beets.

They're super good for you. Yeah. So there's a lot of stuff that tastes good that's good for you. I'm trying to figure out what to eat. I just don't know what to eat. I'm going to start eating whatever you post on Instagram. Don't get another eating disorder. No. Now my eating disorder is I only eat shit that you post.

I bought all those cave shakes. I'm only eating those cave shakes now. Well, I have meat for you. I got elk for you. Really? That sounded wrong. I had to say elk. I have meat for you. Thank you, R. Kelly. Fuck you. Real talk. I got meat for you. Real talk. Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind?

Real talk. Wait, are you a good singer? No. Are you sure? Definitely. 100%. I don't know. I think that your joke singing is actually pretty amazing. It's just R. Kelly. If I wanted to go on tour as R. Kelly, real talk. No, but he's, you know, people that are a real singer, they can

do things with their voice. Like, I can only make noises. It's a muscle ultimately, isn't it? I think it's a sound that you're capable of making, right? There's like impressions. I can do impressions of some people, and I know when I can do them. Are they in your same register? Yeah.

You do a good Sam Kinison impression? Yeah, maybe. I can do that. If I could listen to them in particular, then I could do it. Then you could just kind of get into it. I can do a Mike Tyson. I can do a few of them. But then there's other ones that I hear, and I go, I can't do that one. Apparently, people who are good at impressions are good at singing it's the same part of your brain right really like

you hear something and can replicate it it's about hearing not about replicating or something well it's like singing is a weird thing right because there's mariah carey style singing and then there's amy winehouse singing right and i like both of them you know like it's a very big mariah carey fan yeah i was say, I did not see this coming. I'd say the difference, like Mariah Carey, I wouldn't say she's known for songwriting, whereas Amy Winehouse is a singer. Different artist, but like that fantasy song.

I like that song. I can't believe you just said that. It's a great song. The one with Busta Rhymes on it? Yeah, that one. I can't believe you just said that, me and Mariah go back like one. I can't believe you just said that. Mia Mariah. Go Back Like Babies. I listened to that.

That's like my go-to song. Is it Old Dirty Bastard? Even better. What did I just say? Oh God, I'm so racist. Sorry. Should not have smoked weed today. Conflating black rappers with deep voices. Whoopsies. I'm not even joking.

That's like my go-to song to put me in a good mood. It's a good song. It's a great song. It's a good song. Her voice is awesome. That's so weird. She's got a beautiful voice. It sounds good.

I'm a big fan. Hero makes me cry every time. But I also like Liz Phair's voice, which is all like talking through songs. Yeah, I do love me some Liz Phair. Oh, shit. Oh, DB and Mariah Carey. She's like lost it right kind of lost her mind

listen we all lose it eventually can you place that on the podcast how famous you get if you get that famous good luck do you remember her

in that field of corn with those booty shorts on I mean that was the first song right that was her first big hit

yeah pigtails yeah everybody was like Jesus Louisa's and she was her first big hit. Yeah. Pigtails. Yeah. Everybody was like, Jesus, Louisa. And she was dating some record executive, right? No, she married him. Not Jimmy Ivey. Who was it?

Good move. Tommy Mottola. Tommy Mottola. You just know everything, don't you? He does. How do you know everything? He's a gossip boy. Who was Jennifer Lopez's first husband?

Before Puff Daddy. I don't think they were married. I don't think they were married. Before Antonio. No, Antonio Banderas. Did Ben, what's his name, Ben Affleck, did he dodge the bullet? They didn't get married. They didn't get married. They did some music videos together.

Mark Anthony was his, she was married to him, but I don't know about before. But she was like married to some guy who sued, where are you going? Everybody dodging her. Where are you going? Dodging Jennifer Lopez. Remember when Ben Affleck was in a music video with her? Chris Judd. Chris Judd.

That's right. I heard a story that I hope is true. Give it. Someone told me that they were told by a construction guy that Jennifer Lopez called them and told them to take Ben Affleck's basketball court that he has and move it to her house. And they were like, what? And she was like, I want to surprise him. I want to move his basketball court to my house.

Does she know how asphalt works? She wanted them to literally build a basketball court in her, I'm sure, palatial estate. Yeah. He has an indoor basketball court. She wanted them to recreate it at her place take it board by board and move it to her place now if that is true and it may not be it might just be bullshit that somebody told me it's power move but i loved it i loved it i'm like how that girl like how hard does she squeeze i mean do you know what i'm saying i mean what

what kind of ferocious i'm not sure I know what that means. A dick? Everything. Oh. Everything. Emotionally, sexually, how hard does she pull it in? How much control does she clamp down that she thought it would be a good move to move his entire basketball court? But do guys like it when women throw money around and give gifts like that?

That's stealing your basketball court and putting it in your house. That's a crazy person's move. But to make him happy. How does that make you happy when someone steals your basketball court? Because you get to now play basketball at my house. Isn't that the whole point? Whitney's like, I would do it. I'm thinking of doing it.

My boyfriend has a tennis court. I don't like where it is. I need it to be closer to me. I'm not going to drive down to your fucking bullshit house. Listen, we are together forever. I'm convinced. Are you? Okay. Then let me make this fucking call and move your goddamn tennis court.

I don't see anything wrong with our choice. I think it sounds like an awesome solution to a frustrating problem. I'm not going to drive over to Ogden and Sunset. You come to me. You come to Calabasas. Right. I understand what you're saying. I understand what you're saying.

Well, it's like what you're doing. I feel like they were fighting about it. He's like, I want to go play basketball. And she's like, but I need you here. And he's like, but my basketball court's over there. And she was like, now what, bitch? I respect that. Now what?

What? Fuck you. Fuck you. Your basketball court's right here. We'll talk. We'll fuck you. Yeah, I'm going to go play basketball with my boys. Oh you. Fuck you. Your basketball court's right here. We'll talk. Fuck you. Yeah, I'm going to go play basketball with my boys. Oh, that's interesting.

The basketball court's here. Now what's your excuse? Now where are you going? That's like a let me smell your dick move. Right. They put like a little balcony where she could watch over the basketball game like this. Yeah, at all times. Yeah.

Like some princess in a castle. And I would put all these shaming devices in. Every time you miss a basket, the whole court reverberates with a fart noise. Just to emasculate him as much as possible. That's too much pressure. But if she sat there just cross-heartedly reading a book. This is where I like to read. I like to read to the sound of you guys playing basketball.

No one can talk any crazy shit. I mean, that's like... Dude, dude, dude, listen to me. Do guys like expensive gifts? Don't get married. Just don't do it. How am I going to not do it, bro? She moved the basketball court.

I mean, what the fuck, man? They didn't get married. I'm in. No. So it either didn't work or it didn't happen. Imagine if the story's true, by the way. I don't even know if the story's true. Let's assume it's not true.

But let's just, for fiction, let's create this true story that she did move the basketball court. And here poor Ben is with his few actor buddies that are hanging out with him like, dude, you can't do this. You can't do this. Here's what it is. My nightmare is the guy I'm with going out on a boys night. I'm going to go play basketball with my boys. Ding, ding, ding. If the basketball court's here, I know what boy's night. I'm going to go play basketball with my boys. Ding, ding, ding. If the basketball court's here, I know what you're doing.

I'm in control of your shit. You're not secretly going to Jumbo's clown room. I can control the situation. Do you treat the boy the same way you treat a dog? Like when you look in his eyes? Yeah, I walk through them. I stare at them. I just give them raw meat and marrow bones.

And they're not allowed on the couch. Do you eye fuck them? Like, hey, look at me. No, I'm very beta in my relationships. But something I do wonder is apparently giving is masculine, and I'm always curious if guys like expensive gifts or if they don't. Oh. I don't have an opinion. We're dating.

I'm getting you a watch. Well, you're rich, so I wouldn't. I'd say that's so sweet of you. I mean, no, I'm not, because I buy guys watches. I have no money left. I would say that's very sweet. That's a really nice thing. But are you like... I'd be like, damn, I gotta buy this bitch something now. Yeah. Yeah, I would think that.

Oh, I don't like that. I don't want it to feel like... I don't want it to feel like scorekeeping. Right. But if I get you a... I don't know, fucking another salt lamp. Right. Or whatever. That's not a good one. Strong move. I don't know what that is. It's a salt lamp.

If I get you something fancy or pay for a trip or something, do you like it or do you feel like grossed out? I think ideally. Yeah. And this is a very, this is, it sounds like horseshit, but I'm being honest. I think ideally, especially in a situation where someone like you has a lot of money. I don't have. If you're dating a guy.

Shut the fuck up, bitch. I really don't. You have a lot of money, bitch. I don't. I give it all to dogs you has a lot of money. If you're dating a guy, shut the fuck up, bitch. I really don't. You have a lot of money, bitch. I don't. I give it all to dogs and sick relatives. You're not hurting. You don't have an issue with money, right? It's like the person that you're dating,

if they're successful, likely, they don't have an issue with money either. So if people don't have an issue with money, money should just be like fun coupons. It should be like, what can we do? Can we go do something? Interesting. But what if the other people don't have an issue with money, money should just be like fun coupons. It should be like, what can we do? Can we go do something? Oh, interesting. But what if the other person doesn't have job-rocking money?

Then it becomes weirder. Does it feel patronizing? It could. I mean, it depends on what kind of relationship you have with the person. But it also is like, what is the purpose of this? Is this like a control thing? Or is it just like a let's go have fun thing? Yeah. It depends on the motive a let's go have fun thing? Yeah. We can all have fun together.

Yeah. So like if Ben Affleck was dating Jennifer Lopez, they're both fucking kajillionaires. It doesn't matter. It's fun. It's just like, here's the thing. Here's a car. Here's a whatever. Yeah. Like if Ben orders a private jet, Jennifer doesn't go like, fuck you, bitch.

I'm paying for this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like she doesn't. It's like no one gives it. You can't pay for me. They don't even know.

I don't even know who's paying for what. They don't care. That's probably what it's like, yeah. It's like no one gives it. You can't pay for me. They don't even know. I don't even know who's paying for what. They don't care. That's probably what it's like. Yeah, it's fun coupons. I feel like money is the last frontier of weird. It can be. It's synonymous. It's just so symbolic, I feel like now.

I've had financial arrangements with friends before that go south, and it just gets real weird. If you were dating now, let's say we're in some alternative string theory universe where you were dating, would you pay for everything if you were starting from scratch? If I was starting from scratch with a person? With a new person. For sure, if the person didn't have money. And one of the reasons why I like paying is because

I like to tip a lot. But what if you date someone who has money? Then no, I don't give a fuck. Then you'll split it? Yeah, like my friends. like if i go out my friends but with a woman it's different well it depends i would be more than happy to pay because i don't give a fuck yeah but if they for some reason wanted to pay i wouldn't give a fuck about that either yeah like okay yeah like it's as long as it didn't feel weird but like i've met guys where the guy doesn't make any money and the woman makes a ton of money.

And the woman pays for everything. And that relationship always gets squirrely. It's squirrely. I'm your mother. Squirrely. Squirrel king. But the other way, it can work. If the guy has a ton of money and the woman doesn't, it definitely can work. Yeah, always.

And I don't know why. It's not saying it's impossible. It's alpha, though. It's just not likely. It's not likely that that's going to work for whatever reason. Yeah. I never know if paying makes things weird or if it's masculine. Like Beyonce and Jay-Z, do you think they give a fuck about who pays for something that sells?

If they split the bill, I am the happiest person on the planet. That would be hilarious, right? Like, did you get the salmon? No, I got the salmon. If you could just put this on two carts. Yeah. But I think you're obligated you could just put this on two carts. Yeah. But I think, like, you're obligated at that level of fame to tip ridiculously. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just heard somewhere that 20% is actually not a good tip. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a good tip. Someone, a friend of mine who has a daughter who's a waitress said the waitress was like, that's now not enough. So what is it now?

25? It's never, it's, I don't know. Never enough. I guess so. Give me all your money, fuck. Yeah, like, what is it? I don't like working. It's just, like, 25? I don't know. I guess so. Give me all your money, fuck. Yeah, like what is it? It's just like such a nightmare. 20 is standard.

20 is standard. It's expected. 20 is expected. It used to be 15, right? They used to even charge you that. When did this start? Working at a restaurant. One of the last jobs I had was like, it was a brand new restaurant.

And the rule they were coming up with to decide how much we had to tip out to our coworkers was basing it off of us getting 20% off of every table. Wow. 20% is expected. That's fucked up, man, because then they're screwing you because you know there's going to be a lot of cheap people. Yeah.

I've seen some people leave some fucking horrendous tips. It really bothers me. Honestly, that is my number one pet peeve. It makes me sick. It's just so selfish. Unless you're super broke and you barely pay. And then honestly, you probably shouldn't be going out. Just don't be going out to restaurants.

But yeah. But how are people supposed to know this stuff? Because I thought it was 15%. Go out. Then the servers start getting mad. Like, we shouldn't be going out to eat if you can't afford a 20% tip. Then add 20% to the whole bill. There's a place that i go to a sushi place that puts the tip on the bill always i kind of like that it's not bad i like at hotels it's always like gratuity

included which is like how shitty is your clientele that you have to include yeah gratuity because you don't trust them well it's not necessarily that it's just like that you take it out of the equation yeah it's nice to not have to think about it. That's the worst part at the end of a date when you're like, what's the percentage? It's also weird that those people who are working don't get paid right. They only get paid through tips. People say they rely on your tips. Is that it?

As a waiter, do you only make tips? Yeah. That's fucked up. I had no idea. Why don't you pay them? Why don't they get some kind of lump sum? You can fire them, but you don't have to pay them. Or you pay them? Why don't they get some kind of lump sum? How come you can fire them, but you don't have to pay them? Or you pay them very little?

Do you get insurance? No. Where did you work? In Ohio, which is a right-to-work state. What kind of restaurant? All kinds. I worked at a chain. Do you get health insurance? No. Just tips? Yeah, this is also pre-Obamacare, so I don't know how it actually works now, but I would not have been able to

afford it. I can tell you that. How much money a night in tips? For a guy, it's also different between guys and girls there too. Oh, is that like the one profession where guys get fucked? Yes. It's a woman's game. I've never thought about that. And we kind of came to the conclusion, it might be, not for sure, but it might be that, um, let's say a guy's taking care of the bill. Yeah. He might feel shittier or might be more okay being shittier to a guy than a girl that's taking care of him. Wow. For whatever

reason, lots of things could play into that, but that's kind of where we arrived to. That is fascinating. We were all really servers to the girl I was talking to. Well, a lot of men have weird competition issues with other men. Some guy's bringing your food. You're like, fuck that guy. You give him a shitty tip. Just shittier that way.

And you don't want to be mean to a girl. You don't want to make her cry. That might not happen, but you think it could, and you just make all your decisions based off of that. Yeah. That is so nuts. I never thought about it. Like, being a male waiter,

you're going to make less money than a woman. Probably, unless you're really good at it. It's a sexist profession. But if you're at a really good restaurant, you like a really good male waiter who knows exactly what kind of fucking Dijon sauce is in the preparation.

Then you have to be almost way above and beyond the job knowing way deep being anticipated of everything. How much in tips a night? A hundred bucks maybe

is a good decent night but like out here you'd be expecting to make three or four hundred a night or you wouldn't probably survive. Right but a lot of out here

you want to work at a place that serves alcohol though, right? For sure. For sure. You want to make the cash. Yeah. That's the only way to make money. But I would think that if you were like a waiter, I'm always fascinated when you go to a nice, tiny restaurant and the waiter's obviously from Italy.

Oh, interesting. I wish I could stop coughing. Jesus Christ. Are you okay? Yeah, I just have phlegm. But if the waiter's from Italy, it's more impressive, right? You've got a nice Thai restaurant. Yes, always.

You're like, oh. Do they bring those guys over? How does that work? Do they have some sort of a service? Probably. Do Italian restaurants request the services? Yeah, you're going to want it. I mean, because Italians take service way more seriously than we do.

Everybody who's working as a waiter, I feel like at least certainly out here, is trying to do something else for a living. Right, but it makes your restaurant more legit. Yeah. Like, you don't even know who the fuck's cooking. It could be a straight up white guy in the back. That's true. That doesn't bother you. But as long as it's an Italian person explaining the right, you know, enunciation of the words.

Yeah, you're just enchanted. What's the most fucked up thing you've ever seen in a restaurant? Like, restaurants are just nightmares, right? Not fucked up, but I just remember, because I explained this too, the newer restaurant I worked at that was expecting that 20%. The clientele they were trying to attract was like a white tablecloth kind of thing. Although it was not in that kind of place and was not that kind of restaurant. And one of my first tables I got that was expecting that service, I like cleared the gentleman's plate before his wife, before she was close to being done eating.

I literally got yelled at about that and explained to why you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't take a plate. My boss, he got yelled at by the client and then the next day he was like, hey, just so you know, don't take people's plates until everybody's done. I was like, what?

Yeah. That is just a weird thing. You fucked up, Jamie. But what about like, I hear there's no such thing as Chilean sea bass. That's not a real thing. They just take white fish and they call it a bunch of other shit

so they can charge $30. Well, that's a different thing. Definitely Chilean sea bass. Really? I thought that that was like an invention. Really? Like a restaurant invention. Look up New York Times.

They also say don't eat sushi in Oklahoma City and shit like that. Yeah, but that's not what she's saying. She's saying Chilean sea bass is not a restaurant invention. Look up New York Times. They also say don't eat sushi in Oklahoma City and shit like that. Yeah, but that's not what she's saying. She's saying Chilean sea bass is not a real fish. Like apparently restaurants just take random white fish and call it a bunch of fancy things. But it tastes so similar. Really? Yeah.

Chilean sea bass has a very interesting and unique buttery taste to it. Like don't a lot of restaurants just take garbage fish and put a bunch of salt on it and call it fancy? They definitely found that. They found that people lie about the type of sushi you're eating oftentimes. Fake fish on your plate. Right. But that's Chilean sea bass you just ordered.

It isn't a bass and it probably didn't come from Chile. Oh! Suck a sucka now. This is fishy. Fuck, this is crazy. I know. Chilean sea bass is a fraud. First off, it's not really a bass.

It's a cod. Oh, that makes sense because you know what? It tastes like miso cod. Like miso cod and Chilean sea bass is a fraud. First off, it's not really a bass. It's a cod. Oh, that makes sense because you know what? It tastes like miso cod. Like miso cod and Chilean sea bass. That like falls apart. Buttery, right? Until the late 1970s, the name Chilean sea bass didn't exist. The fish went by the unappetizing name of the Patagonian toothfish.

I'm good. Okay, so it is an actual animal. It's just not a bass. So that makes sense why it's uniform in its flavor. Right. But it's not a bass, it's a cod. That's better. Cod tastes better than bass.

That's why it's interesting because bass doesn't taste good. Most bass are not like the tastiest fish. Really? No. They're like very fishy. Well, largemouth bass are kind of boring to me. That's funny that bluefin tuna used to be cat food. It used to be trash fish.

How crazy is that? That's hilarious. Look, until the 1970s, bluefin tuna was considered a trash fish to be cat food. It used to be trash fish. How crazy is that? That's hilarious. Look, until the 1970s, bluefin tuna was considered a trash fish suitable for cat food. Today, it's one of the most prized fish in the world. That's hilarious. We are such idiots. As the bluefin sushi craze spread from Japan to the United States, overfishing triggered a 95% decline in the fish's population. Holy fuck.

Crazy. 95% since 1970s yeah it's going extinct isn't it oh that's not good 95 i'm not a doctor but wait go up i would say you're sick up a tiny bit uh when seafood buyers found the fish adaptable in terms of taste and texture they rebranded it as chilean sea bass and peddled it as a gourmet fare is that legal to just lie about what you're eating look at what they're saying today much of the fish sold as Chilean sea bass comes from the Antarctic waters, not the Chilean coast. Whoa.

Isn't that like false advertising or like blasphemy or isn't there some law against just lying about food? Look, it's the same thing though. Look, long considered worthless, the Patagonian toothfish can live up to 50 years and grow to seven feet long. But when seafood buyers found the fish adaptable in terms of taste and texture, they rebranded it as Chilean sea bass and peddled it as gourmet fare. Scam.

I'm so disappointed. Real talk. Real talk. That's a lot. Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind? Yeah, you got gotta press your head. My favorite is, bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. Yeah, we all wish someone would burn your clothes, R. Kelly.

They're disgusting. I love it. It's more like, don't you know how many sexual harassment lawsuits I have on my mind? What does R. Kelly have on his mind? Does he have a lot on his plate? I don't think he's remarkably calm. Yeah. How old is R. Kelly?

He's 80. He seems to be gliding through. He's been 35 for 78 years. He seems to be gliding through any forms of controversy relatively unscathed. How much money does he have? Oh, ungodly tums. He's 57? I turned 50 this year. 50. Wow. How much money does he have? Oh, ungodly tums. Fifty-seven? I turned fifty this year.

Fifty. Wow. How much money is he worth? Let's take a guess. Like twenty million. Way more. Hundred million. Yeah. Does he write his own songs or whatever the fuck those are called? Oh, yeah. You think somebody else is writing that shit? Some stone teach. With the other guys there. That's what I thought.

Or what is it? 150 million. What? Boom, shalock, lock, boom. What? That's a low number. Do you think that's true? He's got probably 150 million stored in his fucking basement somewhere. Yeah, that's not from Slumber Network.

From what? Yeah, they... The 90s? He's concerts. He's constantly doing concerts. It's live shows. You're right, you're right, you're right. He sells out giant places.

Every time he sells out a giant place, he can... Will you go to his website, his tour? Hundreds. Hundreds of thousands. Is he constantly touring? I feel like- He tours. He tours a lot when he's not fucking.

Oh, excuse me. Oh, look. Look at that. Go to store events? That's a beautiful photograph. Just one right now. Ontario, California. Oh, Citizens Business Bank Arena.

Arena. Arena, bitch. Arena. You know what I do in Ontario? I. Oh, Citizens Business Bank Arena. Arena, bitch. Arena. You know what I do in Ontario? I do the fucking improv. Me too. That's a nice improv. It's a great improv.

It's a fun one. Citizens Bank Arena. That's like a 20,000 seat motherfucker. How much are tickets? 50 bucks. 50 bucks. Okay. The after party tour.

So no one's mad? No one's mad about, oh, 127 bucks. Damn. Well, we, 127 bucks. Damn. Real talk. Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck me, girl! Fuck you! You know what? Good point. You know what? Never mind. I'll stop yelling. That was a cogent

point. He's, um, he's still raking it in. He does those every now and then. Rakes in the cash. Goes back to his sex slave den. Slangs dick until he falls asleep. So do you have to pay to be to his sex slave den. $150 million. Slangs dick until he falls asleep. So do you have to pay to be in the sex cult?

Yeah, everybody pays. With your integrity and sexual health. Everybody pays. Gotta listen to lyrics. Pays emotionally. Gotta take notes. 50 years old.

$150 million. God damn it. He's sold over 100 million albums. What? It's amazing he's only got $150 million left. What? He's amazing he's only got 150 million left.

What? He's got a dollar an album? That's crazy. You've got to get a new manager. It's actually pretty good, I think. Is it? They save that much? Well, a dollar an album is pretty good.

Yeah. You would just think a guy, that plus concert sales, maybe he's got a lot more money. You know, those fucking people don't know that celebrity network. They're just making guesses. So I was going to say, what is that based on? I've gone to mine and it's not true. I don't think I Don't know how much I literally have no idea Needs you to support her ex R Kelly best Is our Kelly's ex-wife he agreed to a 50 million dollar settlement with his ex-wife

Were they married more than 10 years? They must have been. Whoa. Because in California, you get half after 10 years. He met choreographer blah, blah, blah when she auditioned to be one of his backup dancers in 1994. They married in 96. They had three children. Can't have kids with them.

Before their divorce in 2009. Fucks you. Since then, he has gone on a dick-slinging rampage of epic proportion. slinging rampage of epic proportion. The singer explained the grounds of their divorce in his 2012 autobiography, Solo Coaster, The Diary of Me.

Why don't we have that book? The Diary... Why did you say My Diary? Not The Diary of Me, you egomaniac. It's been a solo coaster. It's been a solo coaster. It's been a solo coaster.

I'm uncomfortable. All those up and downs. But I'm here now. Does he know that you can just say my diary? Solo coaster. Why would he when it looks so awesome? Look at all those microphones pointing at him. What is that book cover?

He's flying. That looks like the cover of the Rosetta Stone. It looks like maybe the greatest book of all time With 189 consumer reviews And four and a half fucking stars That's what I'm seeing I'm seeing success Real talk Do you know that Matthew McConaughey's mother has a book?

It's called I Amaze Myself Are you being serious? Your face I don't want to pick on anybody's mom That was the realest I've ever seen you He's paid out millions in out of court Sexual misconduct settlements Real talk

It gets funnier every time you do it Fuck you Don't you think I got enough Bullshit on my mind Real talk Hey I mean He's finding people that like to live his way Do you think you could start a cult? You kind of have a cult actually Hey, I mean, he's finding people that like to live his way.

Do you think you could start a cult? You kind of have a cult, actually. I think pretty much anybody could start a cult. I know a shitty comedian that's basically started a cult. Yeah, I'll write it down. It's more common than you would think. I think people have... Yeah. Yeah, people have... Yeah. Yeah, that one.

Wow. I think there's a lot of people that want to be led. I think there's a lot of people that, just how some people are born tall. I mean, I had a joke about this. I was trying to explain to my kid something, and I was like, some people have big ears, and some people have little ears. Well, some people have brains that and some people have little ears. Well, some people have brains that are made out of dog shit.

Yeah. And then you find people that are dumber than them that let them have sex with them and then they make kids and those kids are fucked and don't let anybody tell you any different.

What a nightmare. And if you have a really low watt brain and you run into some charismatic figure that you feel... Didn't we just see this happen in November?

Yeah. There's a lot of that. Yeah. I mean, that's what a in November? Yeah. There's a lot of that. That's what a lot of what happened, right? A lot of people who are like, yes! Finally! Finally! You let them know! This is my president! It's your president too, you PTC!

Real talk. There's a lot of monkeys out there. A lot of really dumb people. I just want to be told what to do by someone who's confident in alpha. It's 100% absolutely evident to almost anybody that I know that's honest that there are people out there that are far smarter than them. I have them on my podcast all the time. I talk to astrophysicists and people breaking down the actual fiber of reality. And you try to talk to them and have them explain things to you.

It's abundantly clear that I'm not nearly as smart as them but i talk to a lot of people and i you you tell like somewhere in the conversation like this is all you got to work with yeah like you you we've all met people and it's not even their fault it's just like this is what they have to work with but nobody wants to entertain that idea right so we all want to pretend that we're on the same starting line. But if we're not on the same starting line with dick size and with height and with physical strength and with all the other attributes that people possess, why the fuck would we be on the same with mind power? It doesn't make any sense. It's not.

It's not real. If all of us had the same mind power, we'd be extinct by now. Yeah. We would have all just destroyed each other. we'd be extinct by now. Yeah. We would have all just destroyed each other. For sure,

there's a general sort of range that most of us fall into and you can for sure improve upon that with really good schooling and study and discipline and supportive family

and all the good things that we're all aware of. But there's always going to be these fucking people that are way smarter. There's going to be these Elon Musks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you talk to them, you realize, oh, John Carmack, you're going to talk to them, you realize, oh, John Carmax. You're going to talk to them and you're going to go, we're barely the same thing. We're barely the same thing. You're a supercomputer. So if that's the case, if you're going to meet people like that, and I think

you have and I know I have, for sure, there's people that no matter what you say, you're not going to help them. And if that person, that dumb person runs into an R. Kelly, and he's like, what we're doing right now is communicating with Saturn through love. Saturn. This is a core of Saturn.

See, they don't want you to go there, because if you go there, it'll be all about the bliss. One day we're going to get there. We're going to get there through Earth. We're going to get there through my bedroom. And he's going to fuck you to the center of Saturn. Yeah. Or he's just like, I have $150 million. Yeah, like when he's banging you.

Just sort of like when Kinison was yelling about Jesus and you sort of want to believe and you feel it in your body. Or he's like, I'll feed you dinner if you come to my house. I mean, I think it's really susceptible, vulnerable people. Like who Scientology preys on. How about the comet people that kill themselves because they thought there was a UFO behind the comet, right? Those are real people. Do you Scientology preys on. How about the comet people that kill themselves

because they thought there was a UFO behind the comet? Didn't a bunch of people kill themselves during the eclipse? Ooh, I hope so. I think there was a bunch of people. I mean, that's just like the new Darwinism. It's like the people who acquiesce to cults. It's like, that's just modern day Darwinism. I hope it's not your kids, but I hope all their parents are dead

already. I mean, look, if someone kills themselves during the eclipse, they were going to go somehow. Yeah. By walking into a wall or falling off of a building or something. Yeah, it's not a good choice. Right, not ideal. It's not the way to go. But I think for sure, those people are always going to exist, right?

Those people like the Heaven's Gate cult or... Who have so little to lose and need to believe something that exists bigger than themselves. They need a lie. Their brain doesn't work that good. There's certain people, no matter what you do, you and I both know that their brain doesn't work. Right? It just doesn't work that good. No matter what you do,

you're like, oh, okay, this is, did I spell it wrong? Yes. You don't even know his name. I don't care.

That's how you're just like operating on another level. But there's some people, right? Yeah. That you know for a fact, like they can, there's certain, especially like open-ended pursuits,

like stand-up comedy, it attracts those people, right? Yes. You meet those perpetual open micers who are convinced they have phantom laughs. Did you ever know the guy who, because you were not- Windy City Heat? Is that what you were going to say?

No, but that is one of my favorite documentaries on the planet, or whatever it is, movies on the planet. What is that? It's heartbreaking, but amazing. It's almost as good as that R. Kelly video you showed me in terms of the emotions it evokes but did you ever see the guy at the comedy store who wore a dollhouse

on his head? No, I missed that guy. I think you missed that. He was on the porch of the comedy store or whatever the front patio for like a good year

when you were gone. Dollhouse. Giant dollhouse. Well, that's a way to get people to look at you. The Jesus guy? The Jesus guy's got like a weird in

because he's dressed up as Jesus. Like if the same guy dressed up as Muhammad people are like get the to look at you. The Jesus guy? The Jesus guy's got a weird in because he's dressed up as Jesus. If the same guy dressed up as Muhammad, people are like, get the fuck out of here. I mean, what happens when you're that guy who dresses up as Jesus on Sunset? He's probably listening right now crying. What does that life look like?

What's your life look like, sir? Tweet me. How much money does he have? Google his net worth. You're either a trust fund kid and you're a billionaire oh my god there he is um it's just probably not the smartest way to live but uh the message that he's given when he walks around like that is of one who is a disciple of jesus so you see him he looks like Jesus, he's dressed like Jesus, and you think, eh, guy's probably fine. What if he's Jesus? Whoa. Right?

Is that what's, if, I, this isn't really my belief system, but if Jesus were to come back, were we going to go, huh? He would have to show, first of all, it's going to be in Israel. We'd take pictures and think he was a crazy homeless guy. Those people that are convinced that Jesus, when he returns, is going to return to Israel, so we have to secure the safety of Israel. Yeah, okay. Those really super evangelical Christians. Yeah.

Speaking of cults. They had a vice piece. They had a vice piece where all these people go over to Israel. Yeah. All these Southerners, all these Southerners that are real familiar with the Lord's word. And they go over there and they're literally talking about where Jesus is going to return and he's going to be over here. Okay, sure.

He's going to speak up on high. They voted, I think. I think those people voted. This is the area that's dictated in the Bible where he will return. Real talk. What was that crazy thing called where they go over to Israel and they end up taking off all their clothes and freaking out? Jerusalem syndrome.

What is that? Jerusalem syndrome is like Mark Maron actually wrote a book called Jerusalem Syndrome. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. But yeah, it's people that, it's a relatively common thing that happens. They go to Israel and they think that they're like a messiah and they freak out. They think that they're hearing the word of God, right?

Isn't that, am I reading this wrong? I think I am. Like a lot of people do this? Yeah, like a couple a year. Yeah, and they literally have a name for it. It's called Jerusalem Syndrome. Here we go. What does it say? Here we go.

It says a group of mental phenomena involving the presence of either religiosity-themed obsessive ideas, delusions, or other psychosis-like experiences that are triggered by a visit to the city of Jerusalem. Yeah. Wow. Wow.

It's not endemic to a single religion or denomination. It has affected Jews, Christians, and Muslims of many different backgrounds. But when they go to Jerusalem, that's what's really crazy. Jerusalem squabble poison. Imagine if Jerusalem really is a holy place. I mean, that's the thing. These people all go there. What if?

Only some people can hear the calling. What if we're wrong? We could be wrong. We're arrogant left-wingers. The people who told us about this said that, I feel like they said that most of them were Southerners from the U.S. Of course. They're the dumbest people.

Do you know? But do you know about? I used to listen to you, Joe Rogan. Do you know about the hookworm epidemic in the South? Yes. And that's part of the reason that they were slow is because people in the South all had hookworm. Well, explain that.

This is recent. Will you look this up, please? I listened to, I think it was on How Stuff Works or something, how because of the heat and the way the South is so humid that hookworm was so prevalent, they were finding hookworm in all of their feces and it eats away your brain. And something like 70% of all Southerners had hookworm until like the 40s. Oh, Jesus Christ. Will you look that up and corroborate that so that I'm not just lying?

But so there is a scientific explanation for Southerners being slower. Sorry, Southerners, I love you. Wow. But some of them are super smart, like Jimmy Carter. Well, of course. But like, this is the, you know. And who was it?

Was it Roosevelt who tried to? No, it was Rockefeller. Southerners weren't lazy, just infected with hookworms. It's a story of the post-bellum South as told by parasites. Holy shit. Yeah, it makes your teeth fall out and it eats away at your brain.

God. Stereotypes are almost always the conclusion of lazy science. They're just empirical generalizations that are stripped of their variances and encoded as fact into the collective consciousness of the general population. They're the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. However, sometimes a stereotype reveals a hidden truth that provides an origin to the myth. The trope of the lazy southerner dates back to America's post-Bellum period following the end of the Civil War. No one really knows where it came from, but the image of lethargic, filthy, drawing farmer has pervaded art, literature, and popular culture up until this very moment.

culture up until this very moment. So one argument recently published by Rachel Neuer for PBS Nova Text presents some compelling evidence for the theory that a hookworm epidemic was responsible for the rural stereotype. Holy shit. The germ of laziness due to the exhaustion and mental fogginess it tends to inflict upon its victims. Historical evidence shows that the parasite ravaged the American South throughout the early 20th century as a result of poor sanitation and lack of public health programs among the poor. Holy shit.

By 1905, the parasitologist? That's a job? Can you imagine? I'm a joke-tologist. Charles says, 40% or more, not 60%, I was wrong, of the southern population was infected with hookworms. The parasite thrives in fecal matter and the combination of shoddy waste disposal and the rarity of shoes. Shoes, no shoes, allowed hookworm larvae to enter people's bodies through the webbing between their toes. How fucked.

Once they penetrate the skin, they travel through their host's lungs and into their intestines where they survive on a diet of blood they suck out from the intestinal wall. A female hookworm can lay up to 10,000 eggs in a single day, which gives you an idea of how rampant a localized infestation can become in a very short time. The laziness that is synonymous with hookworm infection is a synonym of iron deficiency anemia due to blood loss. Holy shit. They're getting bled out by worms.

Yes, 40% of people were anemic and had blood loss. The poor malnourished victims of the parasite can cause stunted growth. That's right. Children with hookworms were plagued with attention deficit disorders, lower IQ, and the infected often had strange food cravings for dirt, clay, paper, and chalk. How nuts is that?

Southern states were the nexus of hookworm-friendly climate as the parasite loved the sandy soil that makes the region so fertile. In 1910, 7.5 million Southerners had hookworms. Oh my God. How nuts is that? That's insane. Insane.

40%. Yes, Rockefeller is who donated money to try to combat it. But that's the Illuminati. Isn't he like a... Maybe this is all scam. Maybe they started it. It took 50 years for the worm to be eradicated from the South. 1960 it was eradicated.

Oh my God. Because of the sanitation issues. Look at that. Almost entirely freed from hookworms by 1985. Yeah. That was 20 years ago. That's so recently. It's completely insane.

Yeah. Isn't that nuts? Well, then add that to the fact that half the people in the country have toxoplasmosis. What's that? That's from cat parasites. What? You want to know about that? No.

This is a crazy one. Do I have that? Most people. If you're around, for real, if you're around like farm animals, if you're around cats, comedians, comedians are all feral. If you're around any sort of feral cats, it's a parasite that it only can sexually reproduce inside a cat's gut. So check this out. These rats get it, and it rewires the rats to make them sexually attracted to the smell of cat urine. What? And it erodes their fear of cats. So these rats literally get enlarged in some of them.

Their balls swell up, and their dicks get hard, and they go to find the rats. Or they go to find the cats, rather. When they go to find the rats. And so, or they go to find the cats rather. When they go to find the cats, they get killed. The bacteria gets inside the cat and doesn't seem to have any effect on the cat. But then the cat shit has an effect on women in particular where they tell women, like, see how that rat is like. Not scared. Not scared at all.

The cat. And sometimes they chase cats and like jump at them and shit. It's nuts. See, look. So that cat is going to kill the rat, though. Maybe, but the rat's not afraid. It's running and then stopping. It knows it's being chased, but it's not like, I have to get the fuck out of here. But the bacteria eradicates its fear, so it's...

It's not just its fear. It literally makes them sometimes sexually attracted to the smell of cat urine. it's fear, it literally makes them sometimes sexually attracted to the smell of cat urine. So then this parasite, this toxoplasmosis gets inside the cat's gut. The cats shit it out. And that's why they tell pregnant women to never touch litter boxes. It's extremely important. Whoa. Because it can be deadly to children and cause all sorts of birth defects.

But a crazy amount of people have it. Like maybe as many as 50% of some countries that people have it. I think 50 million people in America have it. I think that was the latest number. See if that's the case. What is the repercussion? How does it manifest itself? Well, it makes men reckless.

We had this guy, Dr. Robert Sapolsky, on the podcast. Yes. And Robert Sapolsky is a fascinating scientist and researcher and he spent a tremendous amount of time studying toxoplasmosis. And one of the things that he talked about how they found

a disproportionate number of motorcycle accidents. Whoa. Where the person who died had toxo. So they would do these tests. One of these doctors told him when we would get a guy

who died from a motorcycle crash, we'd test him for toxo and it was a disproportionate number. And they would do these tests. One of these doctors told him when we would get a guy who died from a motorcycle crash, we'd test him for Toxo, and it was a disproportionate number. And they think Toxo is making people reckless. And there's also a connection in some strange way to soccer teams that are successful. They find a disproportionate number of soccer teams that are successful. The players test positive for Toxo. Because they're reckless in some way, or they're fearless. Yeah. And it may it may in fact even raise testosterone and some males can you it may be right? No, no, no It can't be cured, but you can test yourself for it. Yeah, it's a part of you Yeah, literally, that's a brain. Why isn't this on the front of every magazine? Well, um people like Sapolsky have only been studying and only been aware of it for the last couple of decades.

And, you know, as people have grown up and talked about all the various factors for why people behave the way they behave. This is just recently coming into the realm of understanding. It's not a real, like, well-established fact for many, many, many years. But Sapolsky's done a lot of incredible work on it. And you can, you know, read his lecture or listen to his lectures, rather read them. In fact, some of the shit that he tells you about it. I mean, do we have it? We have it. Probably.

I probably have it. Yeah. I've had a lot of feral cats. I've had a lot of wild cats. Really? Yeah. I'd lived with a wild cat for like seven years. And I had a couple of them when I was growing up that were wild.

They were always living outside, you know. And who knows what the fuck they were getting outside. When I was a kid, my cats were always outside. You know, my cat used to bring home squirrels. I used to see him walk across the street with a squirrel. He killed a squirrel. He had it in his mouth. And the squirrel was almost his size. And he's literally walking across the street with a squirrel's body in between his legs. He's dragging the squirrel across the street to show me that he killed the squirrel. So he was probably out there killing rats and all kinds of things. Are rats smart?

There's a great documentary on Netflix about rats called Rats. What does it say here? Morbid attraction to leopard urine in toxoplasma-infested chimpanzees. Yeah. See that the chimpanzees that are infected by toxo fuck with leopards so they can get killed

because the toxo wants to grow inside the cat's gut. What? That's science fiction. That is Tales from the Crypt. It is. That's where it sexually reproduces.

Inside the gut of cats. It's the only way it's viable. So they stop being afraid so they can, basically they commit suicide. Not just stop being afraid, they're attracted to it. It's drawn to them

like they're destined. So it could be the same reason that like reckless people are attracted to danger. Yeah, like go to the light. Go to the light. That's fucking mind blowing. Yeah. The parasites have some sort of innate intelligence. Could that explain people who are just have a higher tolerance for danger and attraction to danger?

Yeah, that's probably possible. Or addicts or something? Addiction? For sure. There's got to be some kind of relationship. We know so little. Like when we learn shit when we learn shit now it's like i remember i get really bad migraines and i was in cedars getting morphine and i was just like when was this oh i get gnarly migraines whoa you go to cedars and they shoot you up with morphine oh i'm like i had a headache i now yes which by the way i was on the like the watch list uh because

drug addicts go in there and they say, like, I have a migraine. Help me. So I was on a list. They were like, don't give it to her. And they were like, it's this whole thing if you go in too frequently. And I used to get really gnarly migraines. And now I have like a whole system.

You need a Michael Jackson doctor. I do. That hooks you up. Is he available? One of the drip buttons. I feel like he's on Craigslist. That guy's in jail. Oh, is he?

Killed Michael Jackson. You can't just kill the king of pop. No, you can't get away with that. Is he in jail for life? Or is he in R. Kelly's cult now? He's in jail for a wee bit, though. Like a hot minute. He's in jail for a spell. I've had that shit. Is it propofol?

What was it? Was it propofol? Oh, yeah. When I froze my eggs, they gave me that and I was like, I got it. What? He got out on parole? Yeah, in 2013. He's not allowed to practice, though. Sure, he's talking to me tonight. He's got a podcast. He's going to put me under. I'm tired of sleeping shitty.

But I remember asking him. I was... At least Michael Jackson died doing what he loved. Sleeping? I was sleeping. I, one time, was just like, what causes migraines? Like, no, they're like, we don't know. And I was like, what do you mean you don't know? And they were like, there's just a lot we don't know about neurology. I'm like, what causes migraines? Like, no, they're like, we don't know. And I was like, what do you mean you don't know?

And they're like, there's just a lot we don't know about neurology. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, and then I remember another doctor was like, yeah, that's why we call it a practice. We're doing the best we can with what we know. So how often do you have to space it out? Like, how often can you go in there and whack yourself to the moon? I haven't had to do that for like a couple years. But when you go in, they're like, I don't know.

They're like, I think now it's a little bit better. I don't go back to Cedars because they were shitty about my ear surgery. When I had my ear... Reattach your ear? They reattached my ear.

They were, it just did not go particularly well. The doctor was very dismissive to me. So funny. Is this an only in LA thing? They were like, you're gonna need a plastic surgeon. Do you have one that you prefer?

Oh God. I was like, first of all, need a plastic surgeon. Do you have one that you prefer? Oh, God. I was like, first of all, thank you. Second of all, what the fuck? Like, I just have a plastic surgeon. Is that only an LA question? Yeah, I would imagine. Have you ever had to get plastic surgery on an injury? No.

Oh, really? Have you? No. No? You have to get a plastic surgeon if your ear comes off. I know dudes who have had their ears fixed where they had the cauliflower removed. Oh, that's hard to do though, right? Because it's got nerve endings in it.

Well, it's real tricky. They have to fillet your ear. Oh, I'm aware. They peel it back and they have to pull the calcium deposits out of the hard parts of your ear. I had that on my nose. Really? Yeah, and a lot of calcium deposits.

Your nose looks good. Thank you very much. I mean, I would assume it'd be a little more... The inside was pretty fucked up until about 10 years ago. Do you have a thing in there or no? No, but when I had a deviated septum operation, they put these plastic stints in there and opened everything nice

and they cut away the turbinates. They cut away all this tissue. They showed me all the tissue that was removed from my nose. It was fucking crazy. Scar tissue? It was like removed from my nose it was fucking crazy scar tissue it was like uh yeah a lot of scar tissue and a lot of uh when you get blood clots like like the same stuff that happens with uh cauliflower ear what that is is um blood leaking in between the tissue cells and then it stays in there pools up and then it calcifies

and when it calcifies it literally becomes like calcifies, it literally becomes like a rock. And you can get that stuff in your nose, too. And some guys, like, you get calcification in there and it hardens up. And you also get a lot of scar tissue and it closes up the nose windhole. You know, you can't breathe out of your nose. It happens to a lot of guys. A lot of people that do fighting, they talk like, you'll hear them, they almost have like a couple days away of talking. Yeah.

And that's why. It's because they can't breathe out of their nose. Super, super common. But they can't. Did you, but you haven't done your ear. You only did your nose. No. I never had it in my ears.

So I got a little, I got little pieces in my ears. Yeah. But I always wore ear guards. Oh, that's smart. This is important. This helps you hear shit. Like all the stuff, the design of your face is fucking important design of the ear though particularly so like just take your ears this

is what i tell people yeah take your ear and then talk like this and then fold your ears over like that and keep talking la la la la la la la la la la la la la it dulls the sound well yeah now imagine if you have like big rocks. Like literally, like Randy Couture is like a rock. Oh, yeah, because of the way that it's formed. Yeah. Well, mine is all fucked up now,

but you can, I guess, I don't know the case, when you get cauliflower ear surgery, but they can't, anesthetizing your ear actually hurts more than just getting the surgery without anesthesia because they had to put anesthesia in the lacerations. Yo. i guess because

of cartilage it doesn't like spread as well so they did the reattachment surgery without anesthesia it was a fucking nightmare real talk real real as the fuck and he was doing it and he wasn't listening to me you know surgeons can be kind of dismissive anyway because they're like god they think they're god and i was like sir can you please just like give me a heads up of like when you're going to do that? Just would do it without telling me

and I was like freaking out. And I was like not being heard, which was actually like triggering me emotionally. Like I can deal with physical pain. I was getting triggered. I was like,

I just didn't know I'm being heard. He's like totally ignoring me just like doing it. I mean, punching holes into my body like without, I was like,

can I get like an on three or after three? And then the next day my friend called to be like, hey, when can Whitney come get her stitches out? And the nurse was like, oh, the, uh, the surgeon can't talk on the phone. He's deaf. I got a deaf surgeon and they just didn't even tell me. Oh Jesus.

I feel like you need to give someone a heads up on that. You should definitely give a head. How the fuck is he going to know if you're in agony? I had no idea. That's hilarious. I was screaming at him like, sir, can you please like give me a heads up? And he just was deaf. I know a dude who got cauliflower ear and then somehow or another got a staph infection

inside of his ear. And it was so bad, they had to remove his ear and they had to solder it because the infection was so prevalent. It was constantly leaking fluid out of his ear. What's solder mean? They had a fucking, like, you know when they do in the Wild West movies when a guy gets shot, they slap iron to it. Oh, God.

Cauterize it. Cauterize. Yeah, they cauterize the inside. I call it solder. I'm being dramatic. I don't know if I know. They do that with cleft palate. They cauterize the inside.

They cauterize his fucking ear. The smell of cauterizing skin. It's not a... And it didn't work. And they had to do it again. Cartilage is tricky. They had to go in there more than once and cleaned it out.

Shoot antibiotics in there. Because you can't fight with it or wrestle with it because it'll keep popping. Well, he had a staph infection inside of his ear. That's not good. Which is, yeah, super bad. Have you tried these headphones? Bone conduction headphones, good enough yet. I don't know.

What is that? No, I haven't. You're talking about the sound. It made me think of that. They're headphones. You put them on like headphones, but they don't know. No, I haven't. You're talking about the sound. It made me think of that. They're headphones. You put them on like headphones, but they don't go in your ear. They go on your ear.

They vibrate in your jaw. The sound literally is vibrant. There's no sound coming out of them. It's vibrations, which is what sound is. And it vibrates into your head, not through your ear. Where did you learn all this shit? I went to audio engineering school. He's very smart.

Have you heard them? Yeah, at the CES I went to a couple months ago, I tested them out there, but they're coming out again. There's a video going around where people are getting amazed by what it sounds like when you're putting something weird. It's a very weird feeling, because it's literally vibrating really small pulses on your skin. Have you ever done a sound bath before?

What? You've never done a sound bath? What? You would fucking love it. What do you do? Smoke some weed, go to a sound bath. There's one in Pasadena. I just did one in Joshua Tree.

It's like, you'll probably be better. It's this guy that does bowls, but it vibrates your entire body with sound. Whoa. And it's like this hypnotic you i mean i like got paralyzed like i couldn't move my body it's so oh wow i've seen this place it's the way that they dome it and the way that the sound travels like renders you paralyzed it's like this insane out-of-body experience there's one of these places that's really famous that's in palm springs right isn't it out in the desert or something see that white one that's the one i

went to that's in joshua tree oh joshua there's something about josh right? Isn't it out in the desert or something? See that white one? That's the one I went to. That's in Joshua Tree. Oh, Joshua Tree. There's something about Joshua Tree. They say it has the most conductive sound or there's something about the electricity in the earth that makes it particularly powerful. That's the one that I went to. Whoa.

I mean, I did smoke some weed before. And it was good? How high? How high were you? On a scale of one to Snoop Dogg? I was R. Kelly. Wow. I was like a six out of 10 in highness.

I saw a concert there. You saw a concert inside there? This one, actually, that I'm wearing a shirt of. Oh. Jesus Christ. What kind of fucking... The Carlos Gambino's concert. Oh, really?

It was a really special, weird thing. He performed there? Inside there? They had a screen up, and they projected 3D images on the screen, and you couldn't take your cell phones in, so it's really hard to find anything about this, but yeah, it was a really cool experience. Was the sound insane? It was weird sound insane it was weird because it was all and it was different they had to spend some time figuring it out so it sounded good in there

to enjoy it as a concert also if you stand in the middle of the room you hear like um waves just because of the way that there's like a hole in the ceiling and you just like hear this like it's oddly numbing and your skin starts tingling and you just go into this hypnotic state. Wow. I came out of it and I was like, I had no idea if I was here for six hours or 10 minutes. It was wild. You've like no concept of time. Wow.

It was pretty awesome. So it's doing something to you. It's doing something. What's the one in Pasadena? That's the one I want to try. But I'm super into it. Super into it. And I'm super into it. Super into it. And I'm like not like a lay on the ground with strangers type of person.

So those are the bowls that he rubs. Sound bath center. What's the science of it though? Oh, there's one in Eagle Rock. Science is the same science that makes crystals. Really? Dirty feet. See, I don't do, I'm not a crystal.

Are you on the crystal tip? Are you into crystals? No. Crystals happening? I have these salt do, I'm not a crystal. Are you on the crystal tip? Are you into crystals? No. Crystals happening? That's like a light. I have these salt lamps, but they just look cool. Oh, you don't do this because it's like. No, I don't think they do anything.

That one doesn't even have a light bulb in it. Yeah, I know. I have some of these in my house. But that one over there is lit. They say it does something to the room. I have these in my house and I don't even know why. I do have those lights that are sunlight, replicate sunlight and make serotonin happy. Really?

Yeah, I have those in my house. I always wonder if like maybe some of the positive energy in this room is because of that salt lamp. Yeah. You have a very good vibe in here. I'm worried about you getting a new studio. No. Good studio.

I like this energy. It's a very good vibe. But you're replicating this size. Almost exactly the same. That's awesome. Almost exactly the same. That's amazing. TV's a little bigger.

I like that. Yeah. Yes. But the same desk. This desk has- Like I like how- Life. Like intimate it is in here. Yes. That's the way to do it. All right. Whitney, we. This desk has... I like how... Life. Like, intimate it is

in here. Yes. Yes. Alright, Whitney, we've done too much. I know, it's been a minute. We've talked for three and a half hours. I know, we always do this. Crazy. Crazy. Oh, but your book is out. Tell everybody about your book. Oh, I wrote a book. Buy it. Go buy that book, bitch. Yeah. Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

I feel like we need to catch up. That was awesome.