The Joe Rogan Experience - #1023 - Christina P

Episode Date: October 11, 2017

Christina P is a stand-up comedian, and hosts also own podcast with her husband, Tom Segura, called “Your Mom’s House” available on Spotify. Her new special "Mother Inferior" is now available on Netflix.

He's, what is he, 50 now? 55. No, no. Dog! Mommies, put your jeans up high and tight. Christina P. is here! Oh my, I'm so honored that you did that. Oh, I even put it in the Instagram post.

OMG! I can't believe it. I don't even know what it means. It's so silly. You don't. I still don't. I remember being on your show and I was like, what does mommies mean? Why does everybody call you guys jeans? It's silly. It's so silly. You don't. I still don't. I remember being on your show and I was like, what does mommies mean? Why does everybody call you guys jeans?

It's silly. It's just stupid. It really started with like, what's the dumbest thing we could call a show? Your mom's house. And then let's talk about jeans and mommies. And it's dumb. It's all about farts. But it's hilarious.

I know. Your show is a very fun, silly show. You guys obviously have a good time. We have the best time. It is like, it's how Tom and I normally are. And then we just put microphones, which is good.

It's just stupid. Yeah. Farts. And I don't know. I love it. I feel like too. I feel like we, uh,

we serve a demographic like, okay, for instance, I was at the Rite Aid. I was going to go use a toilet. And this guy stalking the shelves goes, Christina P. And I was like, yeah, how do you know? And he's like, shelves goes christina p and i was like yeah how

do you know and he's like i'm a mommy and i was like this is fucking awesome like this is these are the people like the people that are stalking shit and driving the trucks and like sitting in cubicles and these these the podcasting world yeah of humans yeah people that are doing other stuff yeah yeah yeah so they're not like watching a show. Like if you're watching a show for the most part, you're sitting down and watching it. Right. But if you're like listening to a podcast,

you're doing other stuff. Yeah, you're kind of cleaning the house, doing whatever, and you know, laughing and... But you guys put up videos as well. Like how much of your show is video? Like what percentage of your audience? Oh, oh, that's funny.

Video stuff? What do you mean? Who watches the YouTube stuff? Like what's the difference you like the youtube audience versus the audio it's smaller yeah yeah the audio is the hardcores and then isn't that interesting video secondary yeah like a lot of people would have thought no way like video is always going to be seeing it is better because it's an added element yeah but i have a theory it's because our show we play like porno clips and fart sounds and stuff that's not appropriate for the workplace.

Oh, right. So if you've got YouTube on your- Earplugs. Yeah. Your speakers or whatever. Oh. And then it's, oh, fuck me. And then you get fired from your job, dude.

Throwed Zilla. It's better. Yeah. Remember her? Yeah. God damn. I can't believe Tommy met her. I know.

And I was like texting him like, don't forget your family. You have a child with me. Don't forget. Like he would ever, you know. Yeah, I know. Can you imagine? No, I can't. That's the craziest part.

But yeah, it's been a great show. And it's, you know, we have you to thank because you were the one that told us to start it. I tell everybody to start it though. Back in the day. I'm Johnny Appleseed. I'm just teaching you to do a podcast. I've sent it to a hundred people, but luckily 50 of them listened. Yeah.

You know, maybe 30 probably, but some of them are really good. There's some really good podcasts that have come out of my stupid stone suggestions. Are you kidding me? You're the great motivator, the great challenger, the great beginner of fat shaming campaigns and sobriety. That was not me. I can't take credit for that. That fat shaming was all Bert and Tom talking shit to each other.

But then you came up with the idea to have the challenge. Yes, the weight loss contest. Well, we sat down and we tried to figure out what to do. We should have something fun. There's also an issue that's going on. It's going on right now with Ari and it was going on with them where people on the outside think it's serious. And this is probably a good time to address this. People on the outside that think that we're actually mad at Ari or that Ari is actually not good for his word.

These are jokes, folks. We're fucking around. I mean, this is all just... So all you people that take it seriously, don't take anything serious. Unless we say this is serious, don't take it seriously. All that Bird is fat, Tom is fat stuff, we were having a great time with it. They were having fun with it.

And the Ari's and Welcher stuff, that stuff is bullshit. Ari is, for real, one of the most honest guys I've ever met in my life. And for sure, he wasn't excited about paying for those guys to go to fucking Europe for a soccer game. Right. That doesn't mean he wouldn't have honored his bet. But then it got complicated because I paid for the bet and I sent those guys to a basketball

game. What was the game again? Cavs Warriors. Is that a big game? It was, yeah. For sure, at the time. I don't understand. Do you get it?

No. Do I get it? Go to a basketball game? Oh, it's the most boring thing in the world for me. You watch some guys throw a ball around? The best players in the world are on those two teams. Oh, my goodness. I'm sure.

Do they do really good at throwing the ball in the hole? Really, really good at it. Do you like sports at all, though? No. Really? I thought for sure. No. Not football? No, I get so bored. Oh, it bores the like sports at all, though? No. Really? I thought for sure. No. Not football?

No, I get so bored. Oh, it bores the shit out of me, too. And Tom's been trying to explain this shit to me for years, and I'm like, I don't, I don't, okay, they run five seconds, and then the stop, and then comes the show after the show where the four white guys talk about the fucking game they just watched for two more hours. Yeah, what?

And making the stupid jokes. Those fucking white guys that do the fucking game they just watched for two more hours. Yeah, what? And making the stupid jokes. Those fucking white guys that do the fucking commentary. They're the worst. You can't find funnier people. That Skip Bayless, guys, that's his name? Could you imagine being stuck on a plane with that guy right now? He just keeps talking to you with shit breath. Oh, God.

Yeah, I'll do a bad... Probably a nice guy. I shouldn't talk shit. I't talk shit i'm a terrible person i'm sure and they're all you know dogs they're all bad looking dudes yeah well you know what i like terrible boring things though i like i watch i watch professional pool i watch hunting shows like my wife comes home and she looks at our dvr she's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? This is the DVR. Kickboxing, MMA, bow hunting, bow hunting, bow hunting, bow hunting. You know, like real crime stories. That's Tommy.

She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's murder, killing, killing, punching, murder. It's all, like most of it though is hunting. I'm so obsessed with hunting. Like most of like my DVR is like these bow hunting shows. But that's your jam. So that's your hobby. And are you watching it for tips and stuff?

Well, you watch it to figure out what to do in certain situations, which seems ridiculous. Like we just shoot the animal. What the fuck? Get near it, shoot it. It's one of those things on the outside. It looks like very simple, but on the inside, it's very complex. That's how everything. Okay. Like surfing. Oh oh that's super easy no it ain't that's like the hardest fucking thing in the world to learn to do have you ever seen an indoor one no dude they have

these indoor ones they have woman austin bro you get on a surfboard and you you can go on it for like 10 minutes like they say it's an amazing way to get good because you don't have to wait for waves. It's a machine. So there's this huge pool. You get in there with a surfboard and you surf like fucking crazy and you just keep doing it. And you don't have to paddle, paddle, paddle out, turn the fucking board around. Well, it's also, I would imagine you're developing those stabilizer muscles, right?

Like I was talking to guys that have, look at that. Oh, I love it. Isn't that insane? I love this stuff. Like, look, you just surf around and you get used to like balancing. So this would be a good way. I don't like that guy. Just kidding.

Just kidding, buddy. Fuck that guy. I don't like his face. It would be a good way to develop all those weird like that's one of the things that you realize when you start doing yoga is that there's all these

weird muscles that you didn't know that were weak like these weird stabilizer muscles in your feet like the number one thing that bothered me

when I first started doing yoga is my feet my feet would give out before anything I was like this is so weird they would just give out

your ankles you mean no my feet like the heel like the cause you're standing on one foot and you're balancing mean? No, my feet, like the heel, like the, cause you're standing on one foot and you're balancing. So your foot has to kind of like do all this, like, you know, like adjusting. And while that's happening, like my foot's like getting fatigued, like the arch of my foot starts hurting and I have to put it down. Damn. Yeah. That's like, it took me a long time to get past that.

So now were you a huge fan of hot yoga before you came up with this challenge? Yes. Yeah. I've been doing it for a few years now. I've been doing it pretty seriously for two years. I did it on and off for a couple of years before that, but I got real serious about two years and two months ago. I just started doing it every week. Now what's the benefit of the heat? Heat shock proteins. There's a, and this is, hasn't been proven, but there's a study they're doing right now, I think at Harvard, about this. Because it's been proven that sauna, there's a woman that I have on the podcast all the time. She's brilliant. Her name is Dr. Rhonda Patrick.

And she's like one of my favorite people. And she's done a bunch of work on saunas. She's kind of obsessed with cryotherapy, cold shock proteins, and heat shock proteins. And your body has a response to extreme heat and extreme cold by producing these anti-inflammatory cytokines. And when you go into a hot sauna, I think it's four times a week, if you could do it four times a week, it reduces mortality amongst all causes by 40%. No shit.

Stroke, heart attack, cancer, everything. And it's because most of the issues that people have health-wise stem from inflammation. And it's inflammation from sugar, poor diet, but you can mitigate a lot of that inflammation with sauna. And I think yoga mimics the sauna because it is so fucking hot in the room right the room is 105 degrees and Then once you start exercising your body's through the roof I mean I am like a lot of times doing poses and my of my arms straight out and I'm watching Water just pour out of my body under the ground. I don't have a shirt on right

So it's not like it's coming out of a wet shirt. It's just pouring off my body, drip, drip, drip, drip, just squeezing all the water out of my body. And I drink a large 64 ounce bottle of water filled with ice during the entire class. So in that 90 minute class, 64 ounces of water. Yeah. So there's a tremendous amount of stress on your body from that heat and from the poses themselves. And so I would like to see what happens when the results of this study come back. Because I think they're going to show probably a similar effect to the anti-inflammatory markers in the blood that you see from sauna. I did not know that. Yeah, sauna's amazing.

If you can get a sauna near your house. I want one. We were just talking about that this morning, man. They sell them that you can install a small one. The new studio has a sauna. Okay. Dude, you can come on over anytime. Okay, I'll come do your sauna.

That's so crazy. Yeah, I'm on that primal diet. I've been doing it since I- Oh, Mark Sisson's diet? Yeah. For like, I don't know, almost a year now. Amazing. That's the big thing.

She says, my trainer, I take Pilates. She says, it's the inflammation. It's the inflammation. You don't want to be inflamed Now I see I got it from a woman once she told me she's a trainer and she said and She was talking to me about back issues of issues that people have and she was one of the it's gonna sound really weird but one of the best ways that we figured out how to help people with back issues is get them to go on a gluten-free diet and I was like what this this was like a few years back I was having like some neck problems and she was I was like a gluten-free diet why she's like well gluten causes inflammation a lot of people I was like

oh that sounds like some New Age heavy bullshit right so then I started looking into it and then I realized like, oh, there's something to this. And then I'm like, oh, it's not just gluten. It's actually refined carbohydrates and refined sugars and all that stuff. But gluten too. You know, Maynard from Tool. Do you know that dude?

Maynard Keenan? I know, but I know who Tool is. He's awesome. He's a really good dude. But he also has his own vineyard and a restaurant in Osteria. You do one in austria is i didn't know until he told me yeah it's a small restaurant that serves like small plates it's like sort of like tapas that's like a similar italian tapas i don't know but anyway he has um they serve pasta that is heirloom pasta oh and i'm like well what do you mean he's like we use heirloom wheat because the wheat that they used to sell,

like wheat that people used to grow, like way back in the early days, was much more low yield. And so the same thing that people have done to tomatoes and a lot of things by making them more robust, when they did this to wheat, they made a much higher yield wheat. So if you have an acre of wheat, you get much more wheat out of it. But it has much more complex glutens in it. And it's more difficult for your body to process. So one of the things that I noticed when we went to Italy is I was eating pasta over there. And it didn't give me this horrible brick in my stomach feeling.

Right. You feel like you want to die afterwards. Yeah. I'm like, why is it different? And he was explaining. He's like, your body is struggling to process this modern gluten, this modern wheat, but he sells this stuff that's heirloom, just sort of like those ugly tomatoes, those delicious heirloom tomatoes. I love those. Same thing. That's what a tomato used to be like. They used to be this like weird, funky looking, but super delicious, almost like a fruit.

Oh yeah. You know, I don't even eat pasta. I haven't had it in like a year. Like, you know, every now and then I have a nibble, but the thought of eating a bowl of it now it's repulsive, like just that empty, there's no nutrition, right? There's nothing in it. It's just dog shit and it's going to turn to slop on your body, you know? And I don't like it. Yeah. I used to like it. Yeah. I used to love it. It's gross. I eat it every now and then.

I still eat it. I ate it the other day. I made sausage and I put pasta. I bought some of that Italian pasta. Yeah, the real deal. Yeah, the real deal. You get it. I think it's called double zero wheat. Is it the type that they have?

Yeah, that's what it is. And you can get it from Italy. Get it on Amazon.com. Nice. Yeah. Yeah, because I order eggs that are, like, super organic, fancy ones, too. Dude, I gotta give you eggs. Oh, do you have chickens?

Yeah, yeah. I gotta give you eggs. Oh, man. I want chickens. Yeah, I'll give you some fresh eggs. Yeah, I love that. You guys have a nice yard. You should get a little chicken coop.

That's the next. I thought it was Jamie. That was good. No. But, yeah, I want to get chickens. Yeah. Because I like, you know, in Europe, the yolks are nice and bright orange. Yeah.

They shouldn't be yellow. No. It's really nasty, dude. No. That's why you see vegetarian fed chickens. Like, they don't want that. Chickens want bugs and worms and beetles and mice. They're little monsters.

They're nasty. Yeah, they're nasty little figures.'re nasty little nasty shit but it's such a good deal like you give them food you let them roam around your yard they pluck out the grass and they eat bugs and you know and they give you eggs it's like a super sweet deal now do they shit everywhere everywhere you have a dog you have a dog right you got two dogs okay your dog's gonna eat all the chicken shit it's fucking gross marshall goes in the yard and just goes on a chicken shit Easter egg hunt. It's so gross. It's the circle of life, right? You see him just gobbling up chicken turds.

You're like, dude, you're so nasty. He's a nasty dog. Then he wants to run over and kiss you. Yeah, of course. And then does he sleep in your bed, too? No fucking way. No, no, no. Where does the doggy sleep? He sleeps in his dog bed. In your room, No fucking way. No, no, no. Where does the doggy sleep?

He sleeps in his dog bed. Oh, in your room, though? No. No, no, no. Somewhere else in the house. No, he sleeps in my office. Oh, okay. He's got a little dog bed.

He's got a sweet little setup. This is the puppy you just got. Yeah, he's 11 months now. Oh. He's a big boy now. He's full grown. Golden Retrievers, they get to be full grown pretty quick. He's the sweetest dog.

They're awesome. They're such great dogs. They're so loving and they're such good family dogs. Yeah. And he's really smart. You know, like he just, he gets it. You know, like you can talk to him. Come here, buddy.

Like he just comes. He gets it. He's like, the communication with them is very simple, you know? And he's just like always happy. You know, he's just a big sweetie. Yeah. They have a good demeanor, those dogs. Yeah. And he's just like always happy. You know, just a big sweetie. Yeah, they have a good demeanor, those dogs. Yeah.

Yeah. Really peaceful. Can he chill alone or does he need to be with a person? No, he chills alone. He's like, whatever. I can just go, hey, bro, why don't you just go chill out in the backyard? And he goes out in the yard. He goes swimming by himself, which is kind of hilarious.

Like the pool's there. Yeah, I've heard they do that. And he just flies through the air and dives in the water by himself. And then as he's, what's really silly is as he's swimming, he's paddling and he creates these splashes and he tries to bite him. So it's splash. It's like, it's so silly. So silly. I love doggies.

Yeah, they're great. I want a whole, I want like 10 of them. I have these little shit dogs. They're called Brussels Griffon. That's my breed. They look like pugs, but with more fur. And they're just so stupid, and I love them. But they always want to be next to you.

They always want to snuggle. Of course. You're nice. I am, yeah. Yeah, they want to be near nice. You're nice, of course. Why wouldn't they be? I'm very snuggly. I know, I like that shit, man. Why wouldn't you be? People that don't like dogs, like, what don't you like about them? That they're sweet, that they're loving. And they're stoked to see you all the time? There's a weird thing, though know, people that don't like dogs, like, what don't you like about them? That they're sweet, that they're loving.

And they're stoked to see you all the time. There's a weird thing, though, with people that only like dogs and don't like people. Oh, that's too much. Yeah, it's like, your personality probably sucks, man. But the person that's strictly dog, is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather be around dogs than people. No, no, that's fucked up.

That's a therapy problem. You know what the next step is? Horse people. Fuck a horse. I judge horse people. There's horse people in my neighborhood. I judge them. I don't like horses.

Yeah. Fuck them. I don't want to ride them. I don't like them. They smell bad. I mean, they're pretty from a distance. Don't tell that to Whitney. No, I know.

I see her on Instagram. She loves those fucking horses. She loves her horse. What do they love so much about these horses? Whitney's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. She, I know. I see her on Instagram. She loves those fucking horses. She loves her horse. What do they love so much about these horses? Whitney's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. She's very smart.

Like one of the smartest people I've ever met. But she's fucking insane. In a good way. But like, she has so much information. Every time I talk to her, I have to Google something. I'm like, what? What does she know about? Tell me.

Tell me. Tell me. God damn it. She told me about weird violent sports I didn't even know existed. One of the things she was telling me is why people have a fear of public speaking. This is something that she said the last time she was on the podcast. And I said, why? And she's like, because in the past, when you spoke in public, it was because you were trying to make a case for your survival.

Oh, wow. That's interesting. That they were looking at you like you fucked up. And there's a big group of people judging you. I was like, oh. That's interesting. I would think it's fear of alienation from the pack it's the same reason people are afraid of success it's because you don't want to lose your connection to the tribe because it separates you from the tribe well as a comic don't you notice that when people get to be a certain level of

success there's some of them, like some of them, some of them just stay cool and they just hang no matter what. Like Ron White. Ron White is always just hanging out. Yeah, right. And he's about as big as you get. I mean, Ron White has sold out fucking arenas, right? Crazy.

But, you know, you hang with Ron, he's like, hey man, what's going on? You know, you want a drink? Gives you a hug and he's the best, right? But like some people, they get insulated and they get weird and then they lose touch with everybody and then their comedy suffers. Yeah. Well, because you can't be removed from the world to talk about the world. It doesn't really work that way, does it? No. But I think people stay normal. Well, I don't know.

Like, how do you stay normal? You're super successful. I think one of the reasons is because I do a lot of other shit like the yoga. Yeah. I think doing yoga, like it's difficult doing jujitsu, bow hunting. Bow hunting is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's fucking hard. It's super difficult. Super difficult to get accurate.

Super intense pressure on the line when you have to execute a shot on a living creature. And then, you know, just to get obsessed with the whole, the methodology behind it and all the technique and all the, and learning and studying it. And just, I get obsessed with things. So by doing things I suck at like yoga, bow hunting, and jujitsu, you get more humble. You know, I suck less at jujitsu than I do with other things, but I still suck in comparison to people that are really good. That's really interesting. I like that because I started baking. Ah, there you go.

Very domestic. And I suck at it. Yeah. I'm fucking terrible at it. But you have to think. But I have to think and I'm learning and it's for the thrill and the joy of doing it. It's not result oriented and I think that's the difference between hobbies and career, right?

Yeah. There's no, who gives a shit? There's no results that need to happen with you in bow hunting. If they happen, great. If not, whatever. But it's for the enjoyment of the activity versus like results, you know, like, Oh, why should I play the piano? I'm not going to get to Carnegie Hall. Well, I don't care. It's like, you don't have to, who says you have to get to Carnegie Hall? Just enjoy the activity. Yeah. The hobby. Well, and being obsessed with the process of learning. Yeah. Because you're a beginner. Yeah.

As opposed to like if you're some mega celebrity superstar comedian that sells out giant arenas. You're not a beginner, man. I mean, and if that's all you do, if all you do is something you're awesome at and everybody loves you and you go out what's up everybody you know like there's a weird disconnect that happens with people and you see it with certain comics i mean you see a clear progression in their stardom and their act falling apart right what and that is because of the loss of touch with reality and what's normal in the world. Also, you get too fucking comfortable. Right.

Complacency. Yeah. Yeah. And you start believing that you're awesome. Right. You know, you're not the self-critical aspect of, you know, analyzing your act, going over the fine tooth comb. Like when you just did this special, right?

I'm sure you must have spent a lot of time combing. Every word mattered. Every sentenceing. Every word mattered. Every sentence mattered. Every joke mattered. That's why you're really good. That's the whole thing. You have to fucking hate yourself. So much.

So much. Right? So much. It's the worst. I'm so glad you said that. Because, you know, like I said, I told you before we wrote, like, October 9th, I was just some douchebag who sold 200 tickets in Portland. And I'm still that person. But I'm saying, like, October 10th, 108 million people now have access to my stand.

Yeah. It's a bit of a mind fuck. But the good news is I'm still self-loathing enough to be like, you got to grind. Like, I'm still going to go to the comedy store. Sure. Work out this next hour. And it's always the work of it. But you have to fucking hate you can't believe the hype that you're great no well you know bad you know all the various incarnations your act has gone through

and each bit has gone through when someone comes to see you they're like we're gonna go see christina i'm with the mommies and they see you and it's the first time hearing all the material and they love it like oh my god it was fucking amazing you know better cause you know you've gone through it all and you picked it apart and you know I always tell people like I'm not the biggest fan of me I think I can do better

no matter how much I murder of your comedy? and you're like one of the most thoughtful thought provoking funny articulate like you know what it. You're so, and you're like one of the most thoughtful, thought-provoking, funny, articulate, like, you know what I mean? You're really deep and good. I've known myself too well.

Ah, shit. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. You're like, I don't believe, yeah, you can't, you can't. That's what I was talking about. I was talking about, that's so funny, this morning, too, we were walking and I was like, I think that's how you you keep your career is if you you you struggle as though it was the first yeah you know i mean like you don't think you're all

that do stuff that you're sucking at too yeah do the baking do the the hot yoga do pilates pilates is very underrated fucking it kicks my ass i hate it i don't like to exercise but after i had my kid i was like i don't want want to be brittle and hunched over and shitty at 50. I'm looking to 50. And Pilates is like a core thing. It works your whole core. And that's the thing that people don't think about. It's like a hip word to use, like core.

Working my core. What is that? I don't know what that was. But what it really means, what you really got to work is not just your muscles like your thighs or your arms, but work the stuff that keeps you upright. Yeah. All those muscles that stabilize your back, all those muscles that allow you to have good posture. Oh, yeah.

All those muscles that keep your discs from compressing. Yeah. And that's one of the things that yoga does. It stretches you out and Pilates. I got to get back into yoga. Go watch you go with Tommy. Yeah, I'm going to go. Yeah.

Yeah. Because when I had a kid, it fucked up. I got sciatica. Because you know, your body literally splits in half. Your pelvis is two bones, right, that come apart.

And the baby comes out and then it has to heal. So I'm two years postpartum and it's just now kind of coming back. That's crazy. But yeah, dude, it's been like,

it's brutal. I'm sure being 39 or 40 when I had a baby probably wasn't, you know, helpful. Yeah. But that, dude, it's been like, it's brutal. I'm sure being 39 or 40 when I had a baby probably wasn't, you know, helpful. Yeah. But that Pilates, it kicks my, and I'm bad at it too. I suck at Pilates. And I make fun of myself the whole time. I'm like, do I have perfect form?

Am I the best at this you've ever seen? But you still do it. Yeah. You still fucking push yourself. Well, doing things that you suck at, I think, is giant for anyone doing anything. Because I think that if you get to certain levels of proficiency at things, you can get lost in that thing. And I think one of the best ways, especially maybe I'm just looking at it in terms of creative endeavors. Because like stand-up obviously is so dependent upon your ideas.

So dependent upon your ideas, so dependent upon creativity that one of the best ways for me to have other thoughts other than like just my immediate act and doing shows and travel. You know, like that's the worst thing that happens to comics, right? They start doing airplane jokes because they're on airplanes all the time and hotel jokes and they just lose their perspective. Right. Yeah. Do other shit. Live a life. Yeah.

Live a life and do stuff that's fucking hard. Yeah. Have some struggle so that the stand-up struggle doesn't seem that. Stand-up is the easiest fucking part of my day. Right. After doing it for 14 years, yes. After yoga and running and all the different shit I do, the stand-up part is the easiest part. You know, it's so interesting, too. I was thinking about, you know,

I've been doing it for 14 years before I got this first special, and I was, like, thinking about the crazy shit you go through to be a comic, and, like, the horrible positions I put myself in. Like, as a woman, too, it's especially fucked up,

because you're, like, a feature act, and you're staying in, like, motels where the door faces the fucking parking lot. And you're doing some hibachi grill and some weirdo is going to try to pay you with a fur coat instead of money. You're like, who? Like, what kind of sickness was I in in my 20s and 30s where I thought that was OK? You know, you really would only do it when you're young. Like if you wanted to start that right now, it would be such a grind. Like guys like Dean Del Rey, like give it up to that guy.

That guy didn't even start doing stand up to. He was like, I think he was like 46 or some crazy shit like that. Dean's in his 50s. No. Yes. He looks great. Looks great. You know why he looks great?

He looked like shit just a few years ago. He got off sugar completely. Oh, that's right. He was eating candy all day. He had like a real sugar problem and he went to the doctor and the doctor said, hey, bro, you're gonna get fucking diabetes. You are right now pre-diabetic. He's like, see this? Look at your blood. You see they showed him the blood markers. You're on the way. Like you are right now officially pre-diabetic. What do you do? And he said, well, I eat gummy bears and shit. I can't do his voice either.

I'm eating gummy bears, man. He would eat candy all day long. That's crazy. So bad. So bad for you. That sugar is the worst for you. That's the fucking devil right there. That is the devil.

Yeah. But they say your body doesn't really differentiate between fruit and candy. I had a trainer that called it nature's candy. He's like, uh-uh, fruit, nature's candy. Is he a black guy or a country guy? Some guy at Gold's.

He used to live with cowboy boots on. Don't be eating that nature's candy. Here, have yourself a wheat biscuit. He was a miner. Yeah. He was telling me about nature's candy, the evil of it.

That's true. It's just fucking sugar. It's so good. I had mango the other day. So delicious. Nice ripe mango. They make you shit too. Makes me shit. That's like lightning. You know what makes me shit? What? Fucking coffee. Caveman shit. That's like lightning. You know what makes me shit? What? Fucking coffee.

Caveman coffee. This stuff opens up. Woo! Woo! Woo! Caveman coffee. Sometimes I shit. Like the other day I shit and I tell my seven-year-old about it.

I tell her. She's like, Daddy, are you almost done? Because I was playing with her and I had to take this horrible shit. I'd just taken her to a martial arts class and we got home and I go, I'll play with you but first I gotta go potty. And I was in there for like five minutes. She's like, daddy, you almost done? I'm like, look, the shit I took was so huge

I was almost gonna show it to you. I say, the poop, I don't say shit. I don't know why, I'm preparing. You don't curse in front of the. I do occasionally, but here's the problem. When she was three, when my youngest was three, we were skiing, she's been skiing since she was like two. And we took her skiing and we were putting all our stuff back in.

And we had everything stacked up, but we were putting bags away. We were getting ready to leave. And my wife goes, honey, you didn't put your helmet back in, in the bag. And she looks at the helmet, she looks at the bag, and she goes, shit. in the bag she looks at the helmet she looks at the bag she goes shit there's something about a three-year-old three-year-old looking at her bag looking at the helmet and going shit it's great and my wife just goes yeah and we were trying not to laugh to encourage her but yeah it was fucking hilarious because it was a natural like she's like that's what you're supposed to say that That's what daddy says. Shit.

Well, that's the problem is that our son has two comics for parents. Oh, God. The other day he was throwing a tantrum and then he pushes Tom and he hits him. And we were just like, that's ridiculous. You're not even a person yet. I'm fucking hitting you, dad. But then we had to be like,

hey, buddy. How old is he now? Two? Almost. He's 20, 22 months and we're starting that person yet. I'm fucking hitting you, dad. But then we had to be like, oh, no, no, no. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Yeah. How old is he now? Two? Almost. Yeah, he's 20, 22 months. And we're starting that potty training stuff.

So we got to come up with the word. Like you said, poo or. Right. And so we started using dump because we want to be like. Dump's good. Because it would be really funny when he's in school and he's like, I have to take a dump. Yeah.

It's not dirty. It's just funny. So we started with dump, but he can't say it so it's turned to poopoo oh that's an easy one poopoo yeah poopoo yeah it's a trip man you don't want to give your kid a word for shit that they can't say no i that's right so it's got to be poopoo you want to make it mama dada right right very simple now did your my son insists on sitting on my lap while i take a shit sometimes oh jesus christ yeah that's the difference in the way kids treat the girl the mommy and the daddy mommy they cling to you know i mean did you breastfeed or did you pump? I did. Did you do both? Did you pump things?

I did both, man. I did a little formula, breasts. So they're just connected to you. Just like physically, you're the source of nutrients. You're the source of love. You're the source of life. There's so much going on. It's so crazy. What does it feel like? Powerful. It's the best.

As far as being a woman in society, like societally, it's not that great. But I will say that like reproduction stuff, it's fucking awesome. How is it not great societally? Well, okay. I mean, you know, we're still second class citizens, let's be honest. Women are? Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

Yeah. You know, your power is, there's not, I don't really feel uh it's not really you know blah blah it's not really but you don't exist in a corporate world so where do you find but where do you find the deficit well in stand-up definitely really yeah I mean I think it's starting to come around but if you look at like where we're at now it feels a little regressive in terms of where we were in like the 90s with women female con i would say yeah well what do you think the source of that is that's i i cannot i don't know i don't know i think 9-11 changed us made us more conservative in some ways a little more insulated i don't know

i think it's just a lack of quality i think when someone like you comes along for real i i've told you this before. I mean, I saw you at the comedy store like four or five years ago when I ran up to you, like one set that you had. And I go, dude, you're one of the funnest people alive. I can't take it. Thank you. You're very, you know, you're so encouraging of me.

And I always am so thankful. You're the reason I got a special. I was in here years ago. And you're like, you should have an hour. And I was like, oh, yeah, I should have an hour. Maybe I should get a manager and an agent. I wasn't even thinking in terms of being intelligent. What were you thinking?

I was fucking just like, I just want to be good at this. I just want to be good. But that's the right attitude. Ironically, the people that are like, I need a special now. Those people suck, right? The people that are trying to do something that's way out of their reach, like the people that are like, you know, I need to be filling arenas. Like, no, you need a fucking good 10 minutes, you piece of shit.

Like, what are you talking about? Like, those are the crazy people, right? The people that are like really good at promotion but really bad at stand-up. But then, however, there's people who are really talented who don't have enough business savvy. So I think there needs to be some kind of like thing where you start to learn the business and you become responsible for that end of it. And I think I was not taking responsibility.

Well, I think the beautiful thing about stand up is that there is a very, especially today, and there's a difference between today and 10 years ago or 20 years ago because there's more opportunity. And because there's more opportunity, because there's YouTube and there's, you know, social media, there's people that have become very famous just through Twitter and Instagram and social media. So all this new opportunity has opened up more possibilities. So people are less stingy and there's more of a sense of community for whatever reason, particularly in LA.

LA has a very good sense of community. So even if you're not like the most business savvy you could be around a lot of people like myself or like other people that are encouraging and then help yeah and then tell everybody about their friends and like it's one of the cool things about comedy like you'll go to like tom's page if someone else is doing something and it'd be like hey check out you know full trot he's fucking hilarious you know check out ian edwards by the way ian edwards punt he's at the Laughing Skull in Atlanta all this weekend. Hilarious.

One of the best. So fucking funny. I've been trying to figure. He's too fucking laid back. Is that what it is? Oh, yeah. I mean, when he talks, you're like, come on, come on, come on, pick it up, come on. He's like the opposite of me.

He's vegan. He falls asleep constantly. That motherfucker will sit down, and in in five minutes he's out cold. Oh, no. I took pictures of him on the plane the other day because we were flying to Vegas. It's a 40-minute flight. He's out cold. He's got that lack of protein, dude.

It's a lack of vitamins for sure because he doesn't eat well. No. He does eat vegan. Look at him. Out cold. He is eat vegan. Look at him. Alcohol. He is so funny. But he definitely doesn't. He doesn't take any supplements.

He doesn't make sure that he has a complete balanced amino acid profile to his foods. I don't do that either, though. That's a lot of work, Joe. It is a lot of work. But that's how you want to do it if you want to be fucking jacked. He said he would eat elk. Good. He said he would eat elk. Good. He said he would eat it because I killed it.

He knows where it came from. It's not factory farmed. He doesn't have to participate in the whole factory farm system. So I'm going to cook him some meat. I'm going to turn him. Okay. Are you going to put it on Instagram? I would love to see it.

Yeah, I am. I'm going to film that shit. I'm going to have Jamie set up a camera with a tripod. The new studio has a grill. Oh, of course. Yeah. Of course it has a grill. It has big iron yoder pellet grills.

It's fucking amazing. So you're moving on Monday? Next week. We'll be in there next week. It's enormous. It's daddy. It's Daddy's Playhouse. Oh my god.

It's going to be a good time. Can't wait. I'm very excited. That's super cool. So we're going to turn Ian when he gets over there. Okay. Yeah. Why is he... Is it a moral thing? It's a moral thing. It's a health thing. He was eating very poorly. He was eating junk food and just bullshit food. Pizza burgers and stuff and he felt like shit

And he made a decision for his health and then along the way started examining the moral consequences of factory farming and yeah He's just a really smart guy. He is smart guy super smart and just again Atlanta laughing skull this weekend He's one of the funniest guys alive. I just worked with him. And he's so mellow, too. Just the mellowest. I've known Ian for, I want to say, like 25 years. Are you serious? Yeah, we've been friends.

We've been friends since shit. The early 90s. What? Where? When? How? New York. Has he been a comic that long Yeah, he has but what Ian did is Ian is a really good writer And one of the things that happened along the way is he started getting a lot of jobs writing. Yes writing on television shows and That happens to guys or they do that it happened to Fitzsimmons

Who's also one of the best comics alive. And they get distracted by other people's work. And then people don't realize how good they are at stand-up. If you get a chance to see Greg Fitzsimmons, he is one of the fucking best comics alive. And Greg and I started out literally a week apart from each other. Are you serious? Same club. In Boston. He's great.

I love him. He's best. And he's a great human being, too. And he's super funny. He's super funny and super smart and just a sweetheart. He's just a sweetheart. He is. He's best. I just love, and he's a great human being too. And he's super funny. He's super funny and super smart and just a sweetheart. He's just, and just ridiculous. He's so funny.

Uh, that's true about writing for other people. And cause I, I wrote for cartoons for many years and I do feel like it sucks your, your, your juice out of you, your, your voice.

And then I, you know, worked on Chelsea for a minute and wrote on that show. And I was like, I can't, I can't do this. You feel like you're cheating, you know worked on Chelsea for a minute and wrote on that show and I was like I can't I can't do This anyway you feel like you're cheating. You know your own voice Well you're working so much on other people's stuff and then not at all at your own

And then all of a sudden your thing is done and you're behind Yeah, instead of like at the same spot you were when you started you're behind Cuz you don't even know your act anymore. You got to go over your material. You're not really working anymore It's not in your conscious. It's not always there. Was it Louis C.K. that was talking about when he was a writer on some late, was it the Tonight Show or something I want to say? He was a writer on one of the big late night shows. And he got it pretty young too.

And he was like, this is the best job I could ever hope for. And I think I'm going to hate myself if I stay here. Because, you know, I know I want to be a comic. I know somewhere that there's something out there I need to hope for. And I think I'm going to hate myself if I stay here because you know that I know I want to be a comic. I know somewhere that there's something out there I need to be doing. So it's like this gilded cage of, of being a writer. Yeah. Well, it's also being on a sitcom will do that.

Being on a sitcom did that to me for sure. Oh yeah. It felt like you weren't doing your full potential. I was working all day and then, um, I was still doing doing sets at night but I wasn't writing any new material at all. I was just doing the same set over and over again and I started to suck. I started having some hard sets. And one night the writers came to see me

and I went up late at the comedy store and ate a platter of dicks. Just a full, like if someone got married or they bring over the hors d'oeuvres. I ate every dick on the trip. And I just realized, like, I've become a bad comic. Like, I used to be good when I was young, and then I got this show, and then over the course of the four years, five years that I was on the show, I just, my act deteriorated,

and I realized, like, I gotta get back on the horse. I just, my act deteriorated and I realized like I got to get back on the horse. And that, because of that one bombing set, like a year and a half later, something like that, I got my first album that I did on Warner Brothers. Oh, wow. That was like 10 years into comedy. So the whole thing was like a velvet cage, you know, like it's like, oh, this is it. I've made, everything's going to be beautiful now. But it's not because you're not doing your thing you're not doing your thing and it's funny someone

asked me like well what do you want to do christina what do you want to do and i was like i'm kind of fucking doing it like yeah the podcasting world is amazing stand-up's great like i'm i'm doing it could you imagine a show that gives you the kind of freedom that your podcast has never do you know how many fucking dumb meetings we'd have to have with the higher ups about, you can't say jeans, you can't talk about mommies, you can't. Look, we've got a survey and people don't understand what jeans is. You're calling each other jeans. Like, I don't mind if you do it once.

Just don't do it every show. And the mousse soup lady, what's that about? And the thing, and I don't want to fucking, I don't like answering people for stuff yeah i don't like yeah the notes the ridiculous notes he had some douchey unfunny producer that was telling you guys how to do your show oh and that's what that's what it can be yeah all the time oh yeah yeah how many times you can say one thing or yeah it's the worst when you were an actor when you acted on that show would you get lines that you were just like i i can't how do i no i can't no not on news radio because news radio was so good and the writers were so good and the the guy who ran it paul sims the the executive

producer the creator of the show he was a genius and one of the things that was brilliant about him he was he's still alive still a genius one of the things that was brilliant about him. He was he's still alive still genius One of the things is brilliant about him is he let everybody ad-lib Like Dave Foley was like almost like the secret producer that show I loved it It's amazing, but because he was on news radio Right after kids in the hall like he did kids in the hall where he's one of them primary writers He's a really good writer, so he would he would see like you know the thing is If you ever been on a sitcom before you ever work on a sitcom no

One of the things you do you do a run-through, so you do a table read where you go down everybody sits down You go over the lines you find out what's funny everybody laughs The writers will go back to the writing room they tweak stuff a little bit And then you go to the floor and you run it and so what you do in a run- is you'll you'll like you start off okay we're at scene here in the break room blah blah blah and you know maybe it just doesn't work maybe it seems like it worked but it doesn't work and dave would be the guy that goes um andy why don't why don't we try this like vicky why don't you walk in here and andy you walk in at the same time and you guys both say the same thing at the same time and then you know he the same thing at the same time.

And then, you know, he'll like come up with like a whole new scenario to get this point across to move us into the next scene. And he would do that in front of the producers and they would go, love it. Perfect. Let's go with that. And so they'd rewrite the scene and put Dave's lines in. And I swear to God, that might've happened 40% of the time. I, wow.

So if you see that show, like maybe 40 percent of the scenes at least were tweaked by Dave Foley. That's bananas. And did he get the punch up credit? I don't think he got punch up credit, but that was the thing is like everybody was just working to do. But oddly enough, Phil Hartman did zero of that. Phil Hartman was just like stick to the script and kill it. Phil Hartman was just like, stick to the script and kill it. But his character was such a beautiful character to write for. This sort of obtuse, ridiculous guy who was just completely, you know, just didn't get it and was full of himself.

And he was so good at playing that character that they would just nail his character. I mean, he would just go out and smash it. That's crazy. Yeah. I was a little too young when that show came out, and it's good to see it. But Phil Hartman, holy shit, right? Yeah, holy shit. Yeah.

Fuck, crazy. I like Rodney Dangerfield. And did you ever hear that back to school when he got that script? It was kind of a turd. And the story goes that he took it, he rewrote, like he wrote jokes in all the margins and then go and send it back to the studio. And they were like, this is hilarious. Can we make this movie? He's like, yeah, you could pay me whatever, $10,000 a joke and I'll fucking do it that way.

Like, that's awesome, dude. Like, that's how fucking Dave Foley should have been like. I think that's what Kevin Hart does with movies where like he has a negotiation for the movie right they say oh we'll give you

you know X amount of million dollars for the movie and they go but we want you to promote it on your social media we want you to put it on your Twitter

and you're like ho ho ho ho ho yeah that's a different deal yeah like this is all my thing I built that up like if you want that

you gotta give me more money for that that's what's up, Kevin Hart. And then they're like, what? Like, yeah. But if the movie does well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is your motherfucking movie. You're giving me money. So if you want me to promote it on my Instagram

and my social media, like, that's a business. He's built up a promotional business. I love it. Yeah. That guy's a genius when it comes to that shit. Fucking fantastic. Absolutely. Yeah. Fantastic. Why not? Why not? You should be compensated for that. That guy's a genius when it comes to that shit. Fucking fantastic. Absolutely. Yeah. Fantastic. Why not? Why not?

You should be compensated for that. That's your following. Especially him. That's his whole deal. So unbelievable. I mean, most of what he became, he became because it was Comedy Central special and then relentless social media stuff. Really?

Yeah. Massive at it. And obviously he's really funny. Super funny. I mean, if you don't have talent. He's one of the rare guys that has talent and he's really good at promotion. Whereas most of the people that are really, like there's a lot of people that are good at promotion, but they're not talented. Right, you need to have some kind of meat for the bone.

You know who was great at that, though? I mean, the OG gangster of it was Dane Cook. If you think back to, was it even like Friendster? Myspace. Myspace, yeah. He started it. He was Dane Cook. If you think back to, was it even like Friends or MySpace? Yeah. He started it. He was the first dude. He became famous through social media. It's crazy. The first guy ever. Yep. Yeah. That's crazy. But you have to have that in you, I guess. I remember reading a People Magazine article. I was at the dentist and it was a People Magazine

article that said that Dane had 250,000 MySpace followers. And I was like, what? What? I was like, that's insane. It wasn't followers. It was friends. Right? Oh, right. Oh, my God.

I've got so many friends I don't even fucking know. It's weird. And you're like, who knows that many people? You know what's really crazy is that MySpace just evaporated. It did. That's what's really weird. To what, though? Facebook took its place, though? What took,

Facebook took its place, right? Is that what that? But MySpace is still there. Like, Jamie, go to MySpace. Yeah. Let's see what it looks like. MySpace is still there. Look at it, look at it.

Taylor Swift. Oh my God, it is. Ed Sheeran. Watch Miley Cyrus perform on Carpool Karaoke. Oh my God. People love that car karaoke shit. No, people,

not normal people. No one that's healthy. I can can't watch all this shit sucks. Why does everything suck? It doesn't necessarily all suck But a lot of it sucks a lot of it. I mean i'm on the um the apple tv I try to I try to find stuff i'm like what's so fucking stupid The only thing that's interesting about that is that they're actually in a car and they're actually driving. Right. They let him drive? He's driving. How do they film that? They film the GoPros and shit.

Like, this is MySpace. But this is so strange. It's like, who's on this motherfucker? Who's going? Now it's like a news site. Who are the people? See if I'm on it still. There's Liz.

She's a musician. Oh, there's Iggy Azalea. I tried to delete my page a long time ago and they wouldn't let me. It might still be there. You're a lifer. Oh, look at these comedians. I know all of them. These guys are top.

Who the fuck are these people? You don't know. Look at that guy with the hair. Come on. Look at that guy with the hair. I know. I went to see him. I'd be super upset if he didn't shave his head.

Did you take funny comedy pictures ever in the beginning of your career? Oh, the wackiest. Yeah. I took to see him. Oh. I'd be super upset if he didn't shave his head. Did you take funny comedy pictures ever in the beginning of your career? Oh, the wackiest. Yeah. I took the stupidest picture ever. I had a fake mugshot picture with lipstick kisses on my face. I think I tried to put a bra on my head, too, but I'm so dumb. Oh, that's so embarrassing. I had a business card.

Did you ever do that? I never had a business card. I don't think. Oh, God. I don't think I did. And I had a picture of me at four years old, like making a funny face. That's actually cute. Yeah. It's painful.

It's so embarrassing. Do you have a headshot now? Now? Do you? Yeah. I don't have one. I need to get one. Yeah.

People keep saying, hey, will you sign a picture for somebody? I'm like, you have a picture for me? I took one 20 years ago. I don't have any pictures, man. You used to have pictures at the comedy clubs. Coming next week, and you put up a headshot. I don't even have one. What do they put up of you?

I have no idea. They just find some shit online, they print it, and they put it up. But see, that's how I feel now. Like, come on, man, I'm online. Print that shit out. You find it. Yeah, print that shit out, bitch. Yeah, it's all there.

Yeah, you don't need to have my name at the bottom of it. No. Get the fuck out of here. You can write that. Come on. Yeah, right? Take a fucking shit out, bitch. Yeah, it's all there. Yeah, you don't need to have my name at the bottom of it. No. Get the fuck out of there. You can write that. Come on. Yeah, right? Take a fucking Sharpie, dude. The headshot thing was always a big deal in Boston because in Boston, there was like the

old guard. There's these guys that had been around forever that were like the top dogs in the local scene. Those guys were like, if you have a headshot, you probably fucking suck. No one ever worked on their headshot kind of trail yeah like the young guys would all we have like these new fancy headshots the old guys they didn't have anything they would just murder that's like these we need playing at the Kowloon restaurant and just murder no headshot try to find a headshot of them it's fucking faded you gotta pull it out of a window those sitting there from the late 80s.

That's so true. Whoever had their shit together most as an open mic-er was definitely the unfunniest. Well, there was a bunch of good. Do you remember? It probably wasn't around when you were around. But there was a thing called the Comedy USA Industry Guide. No. When I first started out, there was a thing called the Comedy USA Industry Guide.

And they would send it out to all the industry. When I first started out, there was a thing called the Comedy USA Industry Guide, and they would send it out to all the industry. And I was always, like, super in awe of the guys that had a big page. And, like, a lot of it was, like, college acts. Like, a college act back then was, that was the pinnacle. That's what you wanted to be. You wanted to be a college act. Because if you were a college act, you could make, like, $1,000 a college or $2,000 a college.

Like, holy shit. And you would think about, oh, my God, I could do two colleges on a weekend and make $4,000 of college or $2,000 of college. Like, holy shit. And you would think about, oh, my God, I could do two colleges on a weekend and make $4,000. This is insane. And I knew guys who were doing it. I knew guys who were like, man, you should clean your act up so you could do colleges. They would all say that. That was the best. When I started, too, it was you got to work clean.

Otherwise, you're not going to get on The Tonight Show. You're not going to get on the thing. And then the internet happened. And everybody was like, fuck you and you're not going to get on the tonight show you're not going to get on the thing and then the internet happened and everybody was like fuck you and you're clean you know there's different outlets now you don't need to you know there's cable there's this there's that it's not it's just not the same you know what's really gross too the mediocre comic that suppresses the talented guys that are coming up you ever seen those guys that like tell you what to do what not to do Yes, there was this one guy who was the host of like open mic night in Boston at the time and he was aggressively Mediocre his act was horrible But he was like you would you would go on stage and even if you killed even if you had a good set

He would shit on the fact that you had to swear you broke the fuck meter You were up there breaking the fuck meter. Like, what? Like, you know, you can't do that on TV. There's going to be a lot of guys that are on TV and they're going to be on TV and you're going to be back here doing the same jokes, saying the fuck word all the time. Like, what?

And I was like, well, what about, like, the comics I like? Like, Andrew Dice Clay or Sam Kinison. I got news for you, man. You're not Dice Clay. Yeah. Yeah. They love to remind you where you are on the totem pole. Yeah, but I was like, like Andrew Dice Clay or Sam Kinison. I got news for you, man. You're not Dice Clay. Yeah. Yeah. They love to remind you where you are on the totem pole. Yeah, but I was like, well, somebody's Dice Clay.

Like, this is not good advice. No. You know? I remember being told, back to, with comedy, I think right now for female comics, I feel like right now there's a particular dichotomy between, like, the Madonna whore thing. Like, either you're, you know, young and hot and you're talking about, like, sexual stuff or, like, you're me. like right now there's a particular dichotomy between like the madonna whore thing like either you're you know young and hot and you're talking about like sexual stuff or like you're me you're gonna get fucking mom i'm talking about mom stuff uh there's it's very it's different it's not like

you could be just a a person i don't think so right now but but why do you think that because i think you can i think anybody can be a person if you just own it you can it's i don't know if i don't know the marketing i think it's the marketing and if you just own it. You can. I don't know. I don't know. You just don't see it. I think it's the marketing, and I think it's just marketing. See, I just think you're not seeing it. It's not that it can't be done. I think people look at archetypes, right?

They look at something that's already been carved out. Yes. Like Sarah Silverman, she's pretty, and she talks dirty. I can do that. I've seen that. And you see these, you know, Patrice O'Neill used to call them babies. Like, I got a lot of babies in comedy. Like, you know, Dave Attell got a lot of comedy babies.

Right. And Dave Attell had a ton of comedy babies because people would imitate what they saw that was successful. Right. And you saw that thing and you go, oh, I know that. I can do like that. I can talk like Dave. And so there's these people that sort of like imitated his cadence and his rhythm and like some of them Egregiously like some of them you like Jesus Christ. You're like borderline a thief. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

but I think too it's easier for the audience to identify a woman as This is the one I have sex with or this is mommy No, I'm serious and I don't even mean this is like a Whoa is me like like it's just it just I feel is either there's women that you fuck and then there's women that you, that are off limits that are somewhat maternal. At least that's my experience in the comedy world. Uh, hanging out with dudes. It was like the best thing that ever happened to me was hooking up with Tom Segura. Cause it put like a magical lasso of, uh, of your off limits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. I immediately became one of the friends. Yes. Yes. I became a, uh, uh, off limits per I became a person and it was great. Like, uh, and I find that as I get older and become more like less, the fuckability stuff goes down. I really like it. I really like just being a human.

Uh, I wasn't going to fucking go fucking go with this no i know what you're saying but do you think this is all in your own head yeah maybe yeah yeah all reality is right i mean aren't we all living in our own yeah because like a lot of the like these archetypes that everybody sort of claims are inescapable like then you'll see someone that doesn't fit into that at all and you go oh well I didn't see that coming well I'm trying to think of the big female comics and they're usually either one or the other it's either mommy

or very asexual she's neither she's got short hair and she probably eats a ton of pussy right if you had to guess I would love. Does she eat any? Maybe she just gets hers eaten now.

Oh, that's right. She puts her feet up, she gets her toes done, and she just gets her box eaten. That's my idea. I would love to hear her talk about eating pussy. That would be like my favorite thing ever. Yeah.

I wonder if she makes a face. I don't know, dude. When she eats pussy, maybe she'll look like this. You know, she... But she came up with a time... Or maybe she'll go like this. Maybe she's super gross about it. I think she's super gross.

I think it's the people that are super one-way, publicly, maybe privately. Maybe she's a real bitch. I've always thought about that that about comedians, you know The nicey nice ones. Well, I was not just the nicey nice ones But the over-the-top like defenders of women that turned out to be super pervy. Oh, we know a few of those always They get busted. Oh, yeah Like, you know, like there's people that you can trust like, you know, you know where you stand with Joey Diaz. Yes You know, like, there's people that you can trust.

Like, you know where you stand with Joey Diaz. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. I love Joey Diaz. And I trust him because I know that's it. Like, I don't trust male comics that don't talk about their dicks or jerking off or pussy and stuff. Because you're like, what are you, what's the fucking, what are you hiding? Yeah, where's your dark, the shadow self or whatever they say.

If you're not addressing the darkness, the darkness comes out elsewhere right the darkness the darkness comes out of places yeah like i always wonder what jim gaffigan's freak shit is he's so clean i don't know he might be the exception to the role right because he's so nice family guy yeah i think he really likes being a family i don't i don't sense that shit from him but cosby i don't that was a that was a surprise yeah was it though did you did you ever hear the rumors no see i did in show business circles because uh briefly i lived in the actor's world right when i was on news radio and i would hear it i would hear it back then that he would drug people really yes yes yes yeah you would hear it wow it was he would drug people. Really? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, you would hear it. Wow. It was like one of those weird rumors that would go around.

Bill Cosby drugs people. Wow, dude. Dude, it was going on forever. That's why Hannibal talked about it. Nice. When Hannibal talked about it on stage and it all blew up, which is kind of crazy if you know Hannibal, you know, he just happened to be talking about it. And then someone happened to be filming it. And then the rest of the world was like, is that true?

Is that true? Because Bill Cosby is always telling people to not swear. Especially like he was big on telling young black comedians not to swear, not to talk about sex. And he's like, Bill Cosby is always telling that. Well, he's talking about raping people. And everybody's like, what? Is he? What did he say?

Raping. Wait, what? What? But that was like the rumor was always around. Yeah. I thought I didn't, I'd heard some creepy, a little creepiness, but I didn't know, but it was that extent. When someone does something like that to people, like that's one of the, like, that's one of

the creepiest fucking things a human can do to another human. And the idea that this guy who was America's father, right, in a lot of ways, he was our black dad, you know, he was the moral authority. He was your black dad. He was Mr. Huxtable. Yeah. You know, and then the fact that that guy, someone described him as the biggest serial rapist in the history of America.

Like that really might be the case. Because if he really did drug all these people that he said he did, like, how many people have raped more? He might be number one, which is insane to think. It's crazy. It's crazy. And the whole time with their hip-brain and the hop, and the nonsense.

Get all funny. And he's the darkest motherfucker ever. Darkest. Dark. Just drugging them, watching them plaza. That's fucking... And he's got kids. Iest. Dark. Just drugging them, watching them plaster. That's fucking. And he's got kids. I know.

Which is even more fucked up. The crazy part when you have children. He's drugging someone else's baby and sticking his dick in them while they're unconscious. It's so evil. It's evil. Now, what about Harvey Weinstein? Oof. Yeah.

Oof. Oof. And he's one everyone knew about too, apparently. Apparently. Yeah. That's the, that's And he's one everyone knew about too, apparently. Apparently. Yeah. That's the, that's like, that's the cliche, right? The disgusting boss of the studio that wants you to suck his dick in order to get a role. I know.

Right? It's funny because you do think like, well, isn't that kind of why you become like a show business executive? Right. Like to get chicks. Not to rape chicks. Sexual assault is always off the table, but. But did he, did he rape them or did? Now it's coming out that there's there's rape i did last i checked today uh i know he's and he is not a looker like he's definitely looks like the type of guy that

would be the type of guy he is yeah which is what's fucked up suicide threat prompts police response whoa oh we're there, huh? Went to a fight with his daughter this morning and they had to she called the 911. Damn, homie. Because he was going to kill himself? Something, I don't know. Well, he must be so overwhelmed with guilt and fear and remorse and just self-hatred and

you know, he sounds like an addict. Yeah. Yeah, and that he's also probably a power addict you know like he's this guy who's like this gluttonous man like if you look at his physical self right his face is overflowing

on his collar and he's just gluttonous like more food where's the coke pussy money you know it's like there's this gluttonous existence. It's not like a measured, thought out, contemplative, introspective existence where he's just trying to enjoy his time here. Like, wow, how lucky I am that I get to do this and make these amazing movies.

You guys are all great. Like, that's what I expect from like Steven Spielberg. I expect Steven Spielberg to be like this really like introspective, thoughtful guy. I was just enjoying the process of making amazing movies. Right. But he's a creative thing. Harvey's an executive guy, right? He's the guy, the money guy behind everything.

Coke and caviar and suck my dick. You know? It is so nasty. It's so gross. But okay. you know it's like it is so nasty it's so gross but okay now on the other hand on the other hand i was like you know hollywood is such a labyrinth in terms of like getting shit done and getting deals closed and how this does this happen it would kind of be nice to be like you want a netflix special just go fucking suck that guy's dick and then i could be like oh that's all i have to do is suck that guy's yeah come over then I could be like, oh, that's all I have to do is suck that guy's...

Yeah, come over here, you nasty fuck. And then there's your special. Right? Way easier. Would you have to have a conversation with Tommy? Listen, Tommy, this is not sex. Yeah, this is a job. It's work.

Right. And then it's like cut and dry and it's an exchange. You know, I was in law school for two weeks and I remember... Two weeks? Two weeks and I dropped out. In contract law, it's an exchange. You know, I was in law school for two weeks and I remember- Two weeks? Two weeks and I dropped out. In contract law, it's an exchange of something for something else. Right. Seems fucking pretty straightforward.

Well, that's what prostitution is, right? Yeah. Which is one of the weirdest things that massage is legal but prostitution isn't. Isn't that something? It is odd because we do not like genital pleasure. No. We don't like genital pleasure for cash. Like genital pleasure has to be for love.

It has to be love. Right. And it has to be given free. It's the only thing in civilization that we require to be given away for free. Everything else you can exchange money for. It's so interesting. You can exchange money for food. Right.

It's not prostitution if someone cooks for you. Right. Right. That's normal. It's a total normal thing. But it's a very intimate thing. Feeding someone. Yes. Yes. Of course. It's love. normal thing. But it's a very intimate thing. Feeding someone. Yes.

Yes, of course. It's love. You can go to a hair salon. They'll wash your head. Yep. They give you a head massage. It feels so good. That's one thing I miss about having hair.

I rub my head. It's the best feeling in the world. Like a head massage. Or a foot massage. People love foot massages. I know. I bet there's people out there that like foot massages more than they like head. Yeah, for sure.

For sure. For sure. Right? But then you put a camera in front of two people fucking. It's totally legal. And now it's legal. You can pay them. So what's...

We're retarded. Yeah, that makes no sense. We're babies. Yeah. We're grown up babies. But maybe because you can commodify that and that's a capitalistic thing. Maybe it's more commodifiable as a product honestly i think there's two two factors one is the tax factor it's very difficult

to get taxes from people that are prostitutes it's like no no no no no no none of that all right where's that money going give us give us our cut yeah and then the other thing is the sex trafficking, sex slavery aspect, like protecting people that are sex traffickers. Because like, you know, you could have someone that was sold into sex slavery or, you know, in some way bartered their, you know, trip to America and had some sort of a sex slave deal. That's where it gets fucked up. But there's been arguments that what makes that exist in the first place is that prostitution is illegal here. Yes. And if prostitution was legal, it would be that stuff would all go away, much like the

argument is with illegal drugs. Like if you made marijuana legal, you wouldn't have as much of the Mexican drug, you know, illegal trade, which you are seeing you know you are seeing in america of course it's retarded and uh wait but wait but with harvey he was the guy that would give girls the shoulder rubs he would tell them to massage him oh he he would massage them they would massage him he would do according to these girls i don't know if it's true but he would he'd be the guy that i'll be right back and be right back. And he comes back in a bathrobe. He's the bathrobe guy.

That's so fucked up. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. I don't mean to make light of anybody's sexual assault or whatever it was or harassment. Oh, they're working on the roof again. Damn. Wonderful. But here's the thing.

How many women said yes? Probably a fuckload. Yes. That was his move. What we're seeing is his missed pitches. Right. Right? Here's the thing. How many women said yes? Probably a fuckload. That was his move. What we're seeing is his missed pitches. Right. He hit a lot of fucking triples and home runs,

knocked a lot of balls out of the park, but occasionally he was whiffing. Occasionally he was like, I got this one in the back, boys. And she's like, fuck off, you pig. And he's like, oh, come on, just come back to my room. No, no, no. It's like, shit. What happened, Harvey?

I just wasn't connecting. I wasn't connecting. But listen, I got all this. There's a girl who wants to be in the next fucking this movie and Avatar 16. Right. And she's willing to do the thing to get the part. And that's kind of, okay, yeah, then suck that guy's dick and get the part and get your money and get on with it.

How many girls read the story when it broke and could still taste the asparagus caviar flavored cum? Just the cocaine and vodka in his loads. I bet he has like a phlegmy like moan when he cum. I bet he has like a phlegmy moan when he comes. He's the kind of guy that has the white spittle in the corners of his mouth when he talks to you. He's trying to hit on you. He's got a little white spit bubble on his lip. He's nasty.

He's nasty. He's a nasty cat. But that's a gluttonous man. Yeah, he's out of control. It's not attractive. It's definitely not. Oh, my favorite, too, is that he would jerk off into, did you hear this? Into plants, right?

It's just so fucking weird. Oh, he's green. He wants them to exist off of his loads. But that's such a desperate thing. Like, come over here. Can I have it? No? Okay, stay here then.

You know, like, it's so. Maybe he was hoping they would just dive on the grenade. Thank you. Save a soldier thank you but i i'm also like i was thinking too like i've i've seen so many dudes jerking off in public like homeless guys i never got anything for it is it you know good point yeah yeah guys look just come on here's the thing about male sex versus female sex right is the Good point. Yeah. Yeah, guys. Look, just. Come on. Here's the thing about male sex versus female sex, right? Is the accepting part of female sex versus the giving, like trying to take this.

Take it. Yeah. And the other thing is that men. Take it. Literally are constantly building cum. Yeah. While you're alive, your cum is backing up. Yeah.

So, if you're not, like, I used to have this bit in my act that was really based on advice that I used to give friends when they're like, oh, I don't know, my girl wants to get married. I go, listen to me.

Jerk off first, and then think about it. Like, if you're having a hard time with someone, and you don't know what to do, and you're going to see them, jerk off first, and then see them. And then you'll be able to deal with them without any sexual lust you won't be making i see because me as a as a young man this is a real issue with me when i was in my 20s because i was so horny it was like i was a drug addict so i'd be like i would be like

making agreements with myself yeah she's annoying but she's gonna let me have sex with her so listen just let's just change our behavior and mold to what she likes. And then you'll get to fuck her. That's what you need. Like, otherwise you'd just be beaten off. But I remember one time I was supposed to go out with this girl and she was just so preposterously annoying. It was so frustrating. She just was always negative.

And before we went out, before i went to go get her i jerked off and i was sitting there i was going what am i doing like i don't even enjoy her company like she's not compatible with me like i don't if you can if you just like someone as a person and you like having sex with them that's a relationship yes but if you only like having sex with them you have some sort of a weird barter deal and that's a lot of men a lot of men getting and i'm sure a lot of women probably too but i can only speak for men like men get involved in these relationships where you're really just in a relationship so that you have a continuous supply of sex especially when you're young and stupid when you're 20 years old you're basically a monkey you know you're just like a little ape person just trying to fuck and you're just trying to,

well, I love her. She's really cool. And why do you love her? Because she smells good. Because her tits feel good in your mouth. Like what, what is really going on here? Like, do you actually enjoy her company as a human being outside of sex? Doesn't matter. Right. Most of the time you don't. And so if you just jerk off first and then hang out with someone you actually like them, like then you have a real relationship. Like, oh, I really like you. I like you. Yeah, you clear out the pipes, right?

You clear out the testosterone and now you can just think clearly. It's super smart. But I think, I mean, I'm just guessing. I've never been a media mogul, but I would imagine there's a bunch of factors going on. First of all, there's a bunch of people that are constantly kissing his ass and rubbing I saw a picture of him with Renee Zellweger. And Renee Zellweger was like cuddling up with him and she had her hand on him and he had his arm on her.

And there was like some other celebrity to his right. And they were like, yuck, yuck, yucking it up. But he was like pawing her. he had his arm on her. And there was like some other celebrity to his right. And they were like yuck, yuck, yucking it up. But he was like pawing her. He had a hold of her. And I would imagine that there's all these people that recognize that he's this like epicenter of power and success. And you want Harvey Weinstein of Miramax to love you. And you would get close to him. And you have a couple of drinks.

And you're doing coke together. Yeah, look at that. She's got her hand on his leg. And he's got Russell Crowe to his right and Renee Zellweger to his left and she's smiling. They're probably hammered. Everyone's on Xanax. Next thing you know, he's got his dick in her butt. That's crazy,

dude. I'm just imagining that. Bridget Jones, diary number two. Number six. Great great time with me I don't know if that really happened. No, my point is that it's not just that he was predatory. It was also that He lived I'm just guessing okay I'm not an apologist folks, but I would imagine that he lived in this world where he was like royalty He was essentially like the king of this empire, right? So he had all these employees.

It was one of the articles that I read today. I think it was from the Telegraph where this guy was saying that he was at a party or one of his friends was at a party and they were having a conversation with this girl who worked for Harvey and Harvey just said her name from across the room, and her face went pale, and she immediately just ran away from him to run to her. Like, didn't say, excuse me, I'll be right back. Just ran out of fear.

Who knows? That is obviously, it could be interpretation after the fact. It could be exaggeration of what the actual circumstances were to fit a narrative. But you've got to imagine that this guy is just multi, multi-millionaire, just orgiastic, gluttonous, Jabba the Hutt motherfucker. Just getting us dicks sucked and just we're going to be the biggest, the biggest ever. And then there's also these girls he can't get. And he's like close to them, close to them.

And that's the anger, right? Listen, Christine, I think you're the one. You've got his hand on you. Listen, I think you're one of the best. One of the best. Come into my room. Let's talk about this. I've got a proposal.

I've got a proposal. You come up to his room and he's got a bathrobe on. You're like, what? He's like, just give me a massage. My neck is tense. My neck is tense. My neck is tense. You like Coke? What about caviar?

What about Coke and caviar? You ever have Coke and caviar together? That's so gross. He is unbelievably. Him, and I have to say, and I know Hugh Hefner was a big mogul, and he did a lot of cool shit. For me, that would be a tough gig, too. Like, living in the mansion and being one of the girls like i'm over for movie night you know and he's in his pajamas and you know that he butt

sexed them because he don't want to get anyone pregnant so like that's what i read and what is it holly holly madison wrote but i wrote a book is that her fucking name? Dolly Madison's the pastry. Like who the fuck is. He butt sexed them so that they didn't have to worry about birth control. That's correct. And then there's a lot of like he would make the girls make out in front of him and then he would masturbate too. It's also kind of I think is a way of avoiding possible pregnancies. Wow. So he probably developed a strategy over years of like ducking

pregnancies. Wow. That's a weird thing too, right? To like be putting yourself out there as this person with a lot of money who really likes young girls and the young girls go, all I have to do is catch one load. That's all you have to do. At the right time. I've heard stories about

athletes that girls put holes in the condoms or the girls take the condoms out of the trash and squirt them into their pussy. Imagine, how was I born, mommy? Well, it's a lovely story. Your mommy took

a condom, like one of them pastry bags and squirted that fucker in there. Well, your mother fished a filthy condom out of the trash. I threw it in the toilet. I pretended to throw it in the toilet, but I had one saved in my mouth. I spit that one in the toilet and that's why you're alive. Wild.

Wild. But then I heard that the Playboy Mansion, she wrote that it was run down and they had like bunk beds and shit in the rooms and like it's not it wasn't as glamorous as everybody would let to believe I can attest to that because I was there for Fear Factor yeah we did a Fear Factor Playmate edition and I was like huh

this is it? I gotta go see that episode the grotto was they were the people that worked there were very nice. The girls were very nice. But there's like a, there's a thing that you're, you're experiencing where it's like they don't have a whole lot of options. Yeah.

So it's like, it's an option for them to be a part of this. And some of them loved it, for sure. Some of them, it was what they wanted. And for some of them, there's like a sadness to it. It's like, and it's also, some of them, when we did Fear Factor, like some of them, there's like a sadness to it. It's like, and it's also, some of them, when we did Fear Factor,

like some of them were like older playmates. They'd been playmates like 10 years ago or 15 years ago. So they were like pushing 30? Yeah, and maybe even older. And then they're like, what am I going to do soon? Like,

what am I going to do in five years? What am I going to do in 10 years? And then there's not a lot of answers on the horizon. So they'll, you know, go looking for maybe some old rich husband type character or maybe some way out financially. Maybe some business they can start, some clothing line. Everyone's got a hustle and a scam, but they essentially don't really have a career.

They have this sort of opening into this world. And then they would have the mansion parties, right? Which I went to one for the marijuana policy project i hosted this thing this event and it was it was just very weird you know it's like they have bands playing and stuff and you're just walking around and just pot everywhere and everyone's stoned out of their mind it was it was extra surreal because of the pot factor but like you go by like where you had. It was like birds and monkeys and shit. You're like, what the fuck is this place?

Everybody's high as fuck. But it's just... And there was no Playmates for that one. That was weird because that was one of the ones you rent out. And so a lot of these lecherous guys went there. They go to the mansion. They rent it out. Suites?

No, they rent out the use of the mansion. I did not know that. Yeah. Oh, so you can come in the grotto where everyone else comes? Yes. The general public comes there, too. That's kind of nice. You want to jerk off in the grotto.

I don't know if they actually let people in the grotto when I was there. I don't remember. It was quite a long time ago, but I do remember the grotto had this phone from the 1970s. Of course it did. It was this old-ass, fucked-up phone. You've got to think, the upkeep on a place like that is probably super expensive. There's the phone. Look at that old whack ass phone and all the buttons for the lights and shit.

And you know he wasn't going to put money into renovating that shit because he was old. He was like, I'm dying. Who cares? I also think there wasn't money. I don't think that the mansion, I mean, the mansion was like a location that actually made money, right? Because it was like a destination and they would rent it out for stuff. But I don't think the magazine was making money. I think the magazine was really struggling.

Once the internet happened and you can get pornography for free. Yeah. And you can actually see everything. See the whole thing. Yeah. Why buy Playboy? Like, oh, I can see Peely Cat. But you see when they took nudity out for a whole year.

What are you talking about? They did? Yes. Why? Because they were getting crazy. They're like, we're going to be Maxim. Oh, like a lad mag. We're just going to show girls.

Yeah, okay, who cares? Yeah, they did for a little while. The sales tanked. Yeah. They crashed even further. Of course. Maxim's magazine. Did you know on a military base in the British ones

that they let them look at titty mags? Like they can get Maxim magazine and stuff. Is that weird? The American military does not allow you to look at titty mags and stuff. Well, the American military has a very high rate of sexual assault. I don't know if you know that. Yes, I do know that. I've been to the Middle East, Afghanistan,

and a lot of those bases, and I've heard bad stories. It's apparently a giant issue. Yes. That is very suppressed because you're not dealing with law in terms of civilian law. You're dealing with military law.

Right. So, yeah. I don't know what the real numbers are, but I've read quite a few stories about that's a real issue. And if you don't know what the real numbers are, but I've read quite a few stories about that's a real issue. And if you don't give them an outlet, you know, and you have a bunch of people watching their friends' heads get blown up. That's the thing. I mean, your whole reality is out the window when you're at war.

And I'm not excusing anyone for sexual assault, but I'm saying, like, the world that you're living in at home and then you're in Afghanistan and bullets are whizzing by your head. Yeah, dude. Who knows what these kids, they're kids, right? Who knows what the fuck they learned back home? Who knows what their situation is? Who knows if they got into the army

as some sort of a parole deal? Right. That happens with a lot of guys as well. I know guys that had to go in the army or go to jail. Yes, I heard that in the Navy. They take a lot, they used to do those deals a lot. Yeah, they did those deals.

But it's kind of good, though. I mean, when you think about it, I would choose military over prison. Fuck yeah. Like, yeah, good, put me on the boat. I don't know if I'd go to jail. Fuck yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. I think because I was in Kuwait, I think, and they were talking about, you know, guys

coming out of active battle and they're just so whacked out. And I think that's what happens when they assault women and stuff. Who knows? Yeah, it's crazy. You also have PTSD. You also have CTE, which leads to impulsive behavior. What's CTE? I don't even know what that is.

Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy? What's the actual word? Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy? Itcephalopathy? What's the actual word? Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. It's brain damage. Oh, my God. Essentially, it's what football players get, what boxers get, MMA fighters get it, people with head injuries.

And one of the things that is a part of that is that you get impulsive and you do irrational things, thoughtless things, almost like you can't help yourself. things and almost like you can't help yourself and um they they think that it's uh responsible for erratic changes in behavior violent behavior amongst athletes that that have it especially football players you see like some of the like really aggressive fucked up things that football players have done like they they attribute some of it to cte yeah that's terrible we are the nfl in 1962 researchers say the professional bull rider killed himself at CTE. Which came out today. Yeah. So a story going on.

Of course. Of course. You're riding a fucking 2,000 pound monster animal. You have his balls tied up in a knot. Have you ever done like the military stuff in an active war zone? No. It's fucking. I went to Afghanistan a few years ago, like in 07 or something i i can't

do it again i was so it's just so it's so nutty you're right and it's boys it's like 19 year old boys that are uh just getting blown up stepping on ieds like i go visit boys in in hospitals with shrapnel on their faces and and the crazy part is the guys that are injured, they feel bad that they're not out fighting next to their, you know, fighting with their company or whatever. They're, they feel guilty that they're not still out there. And you're like, Oh my God. Have you ever read, uh, Sebastian Younger? You ever read any of his stuff? No. He's got a great book called tribe. And, um, it's a lot of it is about what happens to people in

times of war and what happens to, um, soldiers, the camaraderie that they share together. And that even though it's these harrowing, you know, death-filled moments of their life, that when they look back at it, it was their favorite time of life. Isn't that interesting? Yeah, because people apparently, a lot of people believe this, that people without extreme struggle don't find meaning in life. And that the dull, gray, cubicle life, stuck in traffic, eating fast food, watching TV, going to sleep, that is the torture. That's the torturous existence, not the existence of battle. And the camaraderie that they share when these soldiers are side by side fighting for their lives and defending each other. The camaraderie is incredibly intense. And the emotions are incredibly high.

I would imagine, too, that high stakes. Your life is at stake, dude. And you have to take care of each other. And that's so true. There is nothing more depressing than the gray. The life is at stake, dude. And you have to take care of each other. And that's so true. There is nothing more depressing than the gray. The gray is the worst. The Sisyphean thing, like they push the rock up and then the rock comes. Muzak.

Elevator music. Yeah, that's absolutely true. The drone. The drone of nothing existence. Yeah. I mean, that is what most people sell their time for. You know, they, they sell their eight hours every day plus commuting to the drone time, just droning on. And a lot of

people, a lot of those people are listening to this right now. And one of the things about podcasts that's amazing for, for that is like people get a chance to hear the way other people live and think, and then realize like there is a way out. I am alive. I'm alive and my brain is working and I can think. And even though I'm stuck here because I have to pay my bills, this is not permanent. I need to figure out my exit strategy and I need to start moving on now. And they start doing that. And that's a huge factor in people's futures to hear the fact that other people have been stuck.

I don't know. You've been stuck. You've been stuck i don't know you've been stuck you've been stuck in shit jobs hell yeah i mean i fucking did it i had 22 jobs in four years when i graduated from college yeah i had a fucking philosophy degree and that was you know totally useless and i tried everything before i became a senior comedian but name it dude dog walker parking attendant uh production assistant i worked in a cannery. What's a cannery? A cannery. In Chatsworth, I worked in a cannery.

Like you make canned foods? Like cans, like these cans here. Yeah, like Laverne and Shirley worked at the beer thing or whatever. I worked in a cannery. Very short job. Because I wanted to know what the world was about. I didn't know what the world was about. And I didn't know that I just didn't fit in anywhere. I was a paralegal. I was an immigration paralegal, a corporate paralegal. And at the time, you didn't need to have any kind of like accreditation.

You just had to have an attorney say that you were. And so I just learned. That's it? It was fucking crazy. Yeah. Pre 9-11. So an attorney says, yep, here's your stamp. You can be an immigration paralegal because i i worked long enough not

right now now you need to get a certification yeah i'm a minister you are yeah i'm an ordained minister congratulations thank you that's phenomenal i did it online you did how long did it take five minutes your training yeah there was no training yeah no of course i just like i think i sent i sent in some money i't remember. It was a long time ago. I married some people, though. You did? Yeah, I married these two people that won Fear Factor. It's a really nice couple.

Married them. That's nice of you to do. People ask us to marry them, and we're like, I don't know. I would never do it again. Right? I've had people ask since then. I'm like, nope, I'm one and all. And I think they're still together, so.

That's good. Worked out, bitch. But as an addendum to what you were just saying about that cubicle life, that gray life. And I don't know if this is a function of turning 40 for me. But I've had this thing lately where I'm really acutely aware of my death. I've always been very existential. I've always loved thinking about my death because it frees me to be alive. Right, right. But now I'm 41 and I'm like, I feel like I'm about my death because it frees me to be alive, you know?

But now at 41, I'm 41 and I'm like, I feel like I'm knocking on death's door. Like I get this weird thing of like, it's so short. Like you don't really have a lot of time on this planet. And it's really weighing on me now more, especially now that I have a child. And I'm like, I just want to stay alive to see my son grow up. But then you realize like, how much of your life are you going to fucking piss away doing shit you don't want to do? Working in the fucking cubicle job you don't want to have. Like, you don't get many years.

You don't get many great years, right? When does your body start to really take a shit? Like, 70? When you're 70, you're fucking rough. 70 is a rough thing. Like, you have a lot of bad days, I would imagine. Yeah. I think one of the big keys, and this is very hard for people to imagine that don't enjoy exercise, is exercise is not an option.

It's a necessity. Yeah. It's a necessity for body maintenance. So all these people that go, oh, I don't want to work out. Oh, you know, I'd rather just eat whatever I want and and, you know, roll the dice and it'll be fine. No, it doesn't. You don't just have a heart attack and die. You slowly rot away and then your body gives out.

Yeah. Like it's not a quick and easy process. It's not like you and you, you, the quality of your time is not the same. you and you you the quality of your time is not the same the quality of your time with exercise is far superior than the quality of your time without exercise because you're you're more relaxed your body functions better um you you're you're stronger you can do things you know you don't have to be helped in so many ways like there's a lot of people that can't even open up a jar of pickles you know there's like their body is just not good. It's not working good. You know, that's, you don't want to be that person. I'm not saying you should be a bodybuilder and you should have

a six pack. You don't have to do that, but you should devote a certain amount of time per week for body maintenance and you'll feel better. It'll give you better decision-making abilities. You'll, you'll, you'll, you'll be calmer. You'll be more removed from the stress of the everyday grind because your body is experiencing some stress, some workload. And by doing that and putting out that energy, it frees you. Oh my gosh. Can I just tell you that I've met so many people on the road who come up to me and say, please tell Joe Rogan, thank you, because I lost a hundred pounds because I've been listening to him. I lost 50 pounds. I started exercising because I've been listening to Joe and dah, dah, dah. So just know that people totally listen to you and totally have

changed your life. Uh, it's a lot of responsibility, but, uh, but yeah, I don't fucking like Pilates. I hate it. But to anybody listening that hates it the way I do, then pay somebody, pay somebody who holds you accountable. And then you have to fucking show up. And they make you do it. Just go. Go. Don't even pay somebody.

You know what? And here's the thing with people who don't have any money. If you can listen to this podcast, it means you have a computer. Right? Hopefully. If you have a computer or if you have a phone, if you have a regular iPhone or something like that, you can go on YouTube and you can play a yoga class. There's a ton of them.

Oh, yeah. You don't need to pay. You don't need to pay. I mean, hot yoga I think is better because it's like more strain on your body. But guess what? Regular yoga is fine. It's fucking great for you. Yeah, YouTube.

Yeah. And also for body weight exercises, I tell people that they want to know kettlebell exercises. Like, yeah, if you can afford to have someone teach you how to do it correctly, that's good. But you can learn everything you want to learn on YouTube. That's not amazing. It's incredible. I unclogged our drain one time. From YouTube?

From YouTube. I was like, we didn't have any money and the bathtub was full and fucked up. And I was like, I'm not going to pay some fucking guy to come here and just snake This thing and then that's it and I learned how to do it I went down the hardware store got the thing what to do. I got one of those once I got one of them power snakes Fucking snake the shit out of my I my wash my dogs in the shower and it was just caked up with hair It was ridiculous. I had just like hair pie like I would pull it out of the drain like these big wads especially Brutus my um my Shibu Inu um

English Bulldog mix he's got a lot of hair and when I would wash him in the shower I would pull these hunks and Marshall's the worst though the Golden's the worst you pull these giant chunks you know people's hair clogged everything up. So I just got one of them snakes and shoved it in there. And it follows its way down and cleans it all out. I know. And the water flushes. Don't pump that Drano shit down there, though.

That eats away your pipes, right? Yeah, it's not good. You know what I was thinking? I should have fucking become like a plumber or an electrician while i was doing stand-up in the beginning like as a day job because i when some shit happens in your house and you got to call that asshole and they come out they have all the power the guy who knows how to just fix your plumbing or your electricity it's not a small job it's not easy i'm not saying that but the guy that knows how to do that has all the power in that situation and you're so vulnerable you, when your lights don't work or the thing in the hand.

Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, you have the knowledge or the power to do this. Please help me. So you think you should have become a plumber just to learn it so that you could do it for yourself or to do it as a job? No, as a gig. That should have been my daytime gig. Yeah, but if you do that as a gig, like, that's not an easy gig to get. It's not easy.

You have to have an apprenticeship. You learn how to do it. You get in a union. Oh, yeah, there's a union? There's a lot of shit. Yeah, there's a lot of shit involved. I don't know an apprenticeship. You learn how to do it. You get in a union. Oh, you guys are in a union? There's a lot of shit. Yeah, there's a lot of shit involved. I don't know then. Yeah, and you know what?

It's such a good skill, though. It is, but it's also super long hours. Like, you're working hard. Like, plumbers work, you know? It's the long hours. I was hoping I could make my own hours a bit more. Well, and the good thing about something like that, though, is you would have your nights free. That's what I'm talking about.

But you'd be so tired. Yeah, you need a lazy day job. That's what I'm talking about. But you'd be so tired. Yeah. You need a lazy day job. That's what I found for stand-up. It was the best just to have like a nine to five that I didn't give a shit about. Didn't have to expend too much energy. What was your nine to five job when you first started making it? Or first started working?

Yeah. Well, the best job I ever had was at the Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles. Really? Yeah. It was the fucking funnest job. It was part-time. And I would It was the fucking funnest job. It was part time. And I would like help the Girl Scout cookie drive sale. I would answer phones.

And I was on Chelsea Lately at the same time. So I would go do the round table and then go work at the Girl Scouts like the next day. That's crazy. Yeah. It was fun. It was fun though. It was like an easy paycheck. Did you hear they're going to let girls in the Cub Scouts now?

Yes. That's the new thing. yes no is it vice versa too the cub scouts are gonna join the girl scouts i don't think any boys are gonna sign up for that why how dare you how binary yeah i'm super binary about my son uh oh we're we're so binary in our house we just bought my son a football uh a football book. It's in the shape of a football and explains football to the boy. You should do that and right next to it put a little dress and see which one he chooses. I fucking tell you right now what he chooses. It's so funny now that I have a son and I'm like, the kid likes dirt. He's playing in the trash can right now.

Dinosaurs. All that stuff. Cars. Dirt dirt just muck he's a hundred percent heterosexual well he might not be he might be just like a super bear god that'd be great a muscle bear i'd like that too bear character because if he's tommy's boy he's gonna be hairy as fuck hairy yeah he's gonna be like a wolf oh he's so cute back hair armpit hair imagine if he's a little baby and he starts growing back hair. You're like, oh my God, you're a baby.

What the fuck? Jamie, I want you to Google babies with back hair. There's got to be like some Iranian wrestler baby. Iranian. Some Russian manly little baby with fucking thick back hair. That's hilarious, dude. Like what is the youngest ever child fucking thick back hair. That's hilarious, dude. Like, what is the youngest ever child that had back hair? Okay, there's gotta be

some weird genetic thing like hirsutism. Oh, yes. Yeah, there you go. Okay, there you go. That's a hairy fucking baby. Jesus Christ, is that baby's ass ever clean? That's the hairiest baby ass ever. That's incredible. A baby? That kid's got no shot.

That kid's literally going to look like a werewolf. Okay. Look at that hairy fucking baby. That's insane. That baby's entire back is covered in hair.

That kid's going to be a savage. I bet he's built like Wolverine. He's probably like seven now and just jacked big traps and shit. Giant shoulders

covered with fur. Look at that. Yeah, we took my son to some hippie classes, you know, and they teach, whatever. They say shit like, we're stimulating his frontal lobe right now. I'm like, no, you're not. I don't even know what the fuck you're doing. Yeah, he's playing with it. I'm not a doctor.

Right. He's bouncing balls. It's called bouncing the fucking ball. And then she brings out a box of dolls, and there's girls and boys in the class. And my son is like, no, I ain't interested in that shit. Like he just totally doesn't want it. And then she tells me, you know, we should teach him to like dolls, too, and also be sensitive. I'm like, don't worry about it. Shut up, Poe.

Yeah. First of all, my kid's not interested. He's not going to fight. I'm not going to force him to play. Secondly, he knows how to be gentle. We have dogs in the house. He learns to be, he's not a stupid idiot kid. Like, you know, but the forcing of it, I was like, all right, you know, fucking whatever. Isn't that weird that someone, first of all, the idea that you would know what a child should play with. A two. And you, this person who doesn't even know the kid.

Yeah. Right? And does she have babies of her own? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. You probably should know that too. Yeah.

So this is like theoretical shit that she's trying to apply to a living human in some sort of experimental way and teaching it as dogma. Yes. I know. And it's always the bitches that don't have kids. It's always some weird fucking macrame bitches They smell like patchouli And fucking incense

And they drive Priuses Too many bumper stickers Oh, that's cute They're choking those babies It's a baby spa in Australia Those babies get massages and stuff Oh, that's kind of cool A kid smiling

You know what's really creepy? Baby chiropractors. No. There's a thing? Yeah, they take their babies to chiropractors and the chiropractors adjust them. It's like, yeah, crack their necks. Newborn babies. Not enough money in the world.

Out of their fucking mind. Yeah. I would never do it. It's fucking sick. How do you even find a school for your kid? Chiropractic for your little one. No, get the fuck out of here. It can help with colic, earaches, reflux, asthma, allergies, sleep problems, ADHD, and bedwetting.

Bedwetting. And it makes them psychic. Yeah. They can see the future. They read your mind. Shut the fuck up. It doesn't do any of those things, you fucking assholes. Of course not.

You baby cracking cunts. That is one of the creepiest fucking things. And this is the other thing. To have the best possible start, everything is marketed that if you don't do this for your child, they're going to be developmentally behind every other asshole. Well, I have to tell you, I've known the human race now

for 41 years. I'm not fucking impressed. And I'm not worried that my kid is behind all these assholes because most people aren't really doing much anyways. So I'm not so worried about getting ahead. He's fine. By cracking his neck. Yeah.

He needs his fucking neck cracked. Zero evidence that does anything, by the way. Zero. I don't know about it either. I do know about it, unfortunately. Yeah. I went into it. I had a lady on who's written articles about it.

And? It was all invented by a guy who was a magnetic healer in the 1800s. It's one of those things that's grandfathered in that we like to think of as being a legit source of medicine. They call themselves doctors. They don't go to medical school. There's no medical school. It's like leeching or something. They put leeches on you.

Not that bad. Well, it's just leeches might actually have a medical benefit. But the only thing that seems to help is adjusting lower back for some people, alleviate some pain. But the problem is there's like some psychosomatic shit going on with people. There's like some, you know, placebo effect. Like, does that feel better? Yeah, it kind of does.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it kind of does. Yeah. Like you're looking for it to feel better. Just being touched feels better. Yeah. You know, getting a massage feels better. Mm-hmm.

But there's no like one, like look, if you go to an orthopedic surgeon, you have a tear in your knee, they replace your ACL, that's fucking real. They really fixed you. If someone just takes you and goes, okay, relax, relax, I want you to think about your chakra. I want you to think about this side. Hold on, I'm going to get it. Okay, I got it.

I got it. I got it. You didn't get anything. There's nothing to get. And it's terrifying. It's terrifying to have somebody do that to you. Yeah. I going to get it. Okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. You didn't get anything. There's nothing to get. And it's terrifying. It's terrifying to have somebody do that to you. Yeah. I don't like it.

You know, a girl died last year, some Playboy Playmate character. She got adjusted and she developed some sort of a blood clot and died. Cool. Good. And someone, I talked about that and people that love chiropractors or are chiropractors, they emailed me, you fucking asshole. You're spreading a negative shit about chiropractic. That woman had a medical issue that she did not dissolve.

Just listen to me. If she can get through life and not have a fucking stroke until someone adjusts her neck, how the hell is adjusting your neck good? Yeah. She had a medical issue? What medical issue?

Yeah. She doesn't like getting her neck strangled? Like, what is going on? Did she bleed easy? she hemophiliac like what's causing why why are you doing that there's no evidence that that works it doesn't do anything i don't know i don't know shit about it i don't trust it though i don't let anybody fucking crack me it's crazy how how prominent it is it's everywhere we had a girl tell us when our son was eight weeks old and he was crying uh like around five o'clock every night. It's like it was his witching hour.

Newborns often have the time of day to get cranky. She goes, this is our nanny at the time. She goes, you know, I sense his energy is off. It might be because he's sensing your anxiety. anxiety and well i have a friend that does reiki and she normally charges a hundred dollars an hour but she'll charge you 50 because he's so small oh jesus christ that's when they do this like body thing they go near you the energy it's infuriating have you ever had somebody do reiki you will want to blow your fucking brains out i i had a lady do it to me and i don't know what it does but they hover over you, right?

Over your chakra, whatever the fuck that is. And the whole time I'm like, I'm so angry that this person's doing, yeah. Like, what are you doing? Stop it. Touch me. Cause I want to try it. Cause I had heard about it and I was like, well, is it like a massage? I didn't really know enough. Right. And it's not a massage. It's nothing. Oh, she doing it right here. Oh, Jesus Christ. Reiki treatment session. Please give me some volume so I can understand how she's healing her vagina. She's hovering over her pussy. She's like, this area is hot. I'm sensing warmth. You might have syphilis. Go to a doctor. What's up with your socks? That's a This woman is giving up on life with those socks. Yes, she's shutting it down.

Hold on. Chakras? Oh, fuck off. Oh, she's starting at the third eye. Look at her. She's super healthy. You're not near her eyes, you crazy bitch. No.

It's her third eye Joe I'm sorry That's why it's infuriating It lasts forever Super healthy Look at how she's got a chart on the wall So it's gotta be legit The fucking chart legitimizes it.

I know. It's drawn like a 1960s kung fu diagram. Right. Like, this is where the death touch is. My stupid chart. I had a lady corner me at the comedy store and tell me that she's a Reiki healer. And she made me put my hand out. And I go, what are you going to do?

And she's like, I'm just going to just so you can feel it. And I go, what am I feeling? Yeah, she was just put your hand out and just empty your mind. Okay Done I put my hand and she just hovers her hand over I go. What are you doing? And she's like you're not open This is not gonna work. If you're not open. I'm like, oh, it's not gonna work then cuz you just hover in your hand over me She's like I'm a Reiki healer. I'm like bitch. You're crazy. You're out of your fucking mind. No, she's a shyster. These are hucksters. Yeah. I think they believe. I don't know if they believe. Some

of them, well, I don't want to generalize them into one giant group, but some of them must believe they're doing something. Well, I think you have to believe it's working too. It's placebo effect. Yes, exactly. I mean, look, I've been hypnotized to stop smoking cigarettes, and it's been 11 years. That's different.

But you don't believe that you have to be open to it? Yeah, but hypnosis is legit. And I think that's what I've talked about. I'm going to see if you agree with this. I think that's what stand-up is. I think when you're killing, like, say, if I watch you, if you're on stage and you're killing, and I'm sitting in the back of the room, I'm letting you think for me. I'm, like, caught in your trance, right?

You're, like, I'm not thinking, I don the room, I'm letting you think for me. I'm like caught in your trance, right? You're like, I'm not thinking, I don't know if I agree with her. Eh, maybe she's wrong. Eh, I don't like her dress. I'm sitting there and I'm allowing, if like you're killing and I'm locked into you and I'm really enjoying the show, I'm allowing you to think for me.

And I'm falling into like this trance in sort of a way. And when you're making me laugh, then I have confidence in your thought process that I'll let you take the reins, and I'll just sit back and have a good time. I think there's something to that because I was hypnotized for the first time last year by a friend of mine. His name is Vinny Shorman, and he does a lot of work. He's a hypnotist, but he also does a lot of work with fighters, and he puts them in this state

And it's you're entirely conscious while this is happening But he puts you in this very very relaxed state and you go over things That you would like to work on or go over things that perhaps are bothering you go over things that are bothering you about the past But what it is is about putting you in a state of mind where you can just relax and think and not be overwhelmed by extraneous information or things outside of your control. That's real. That's like as real as meditation, as real as... But this shit, we're going to hover over your vagina and pretend I'm cooking.

Here I am. Do you feel the energy? You're not open, Joe. You're just not open to it. If my hand was a marshmallow, right now I'd flip it. Because I'm roasting over your pussy. She covered her everything. When she got to the vagina, she stayed there for a long time.

She was like, this is the area of your troubles. This is where it all stems. Your pussy heat. The heat coming off your face. This is where it all stems. Your pussy heat. The heat coming off your face. My hands are sweaty. Smell them. That's so stupid. It's just people always want to fight.

Like there's something wrong with me. I have anxiety. I'm living in traffic. I don't like my life. Someone fix me. Fix it. Oh, I'm going to put needles in your head and all over the place. That's a bunch of dog shit, too.

Open up your chakras. Have you done acupuncture? Only once. Well, once, too, and I hated it. I was so angry the whole time. Because it hurts. It fucking hurts. Did it hurt?

For me, it did. Maybe she was doing it wrong. Yeah. I was having migraines like 10 years ago, but it's because I was on this birth control pill that was fucking with me. Oh, no, no, no. It's because you didn't get the needles. You know why?

I wasn't open enough to the needles. You weren't open to Reiki. Oh, I gotta get out. Maybe if you just Reiki'd a fist. Right in there. What? Now, go ahead and make a fist and put it in your own ass. Feel the energy.

Massage your inner colon. I only did it once and it was a doctor. The guy was a chiropractor too. So he had double bullshit going on. He adjusted my neck and then he stuck needles in my head and he was trying to fix my shoulder.

How'd that go? Didn't work. Turned out it was just a slight little muscle pull that i need to get over now what do you think about psychics and mediums bullshit artists yeah yeah i think um i go with i think it is entirely possible that we sense things that we don't have uh an understanding of like sometimes you feel something weird like I was thinking about a friend of mine Yesterday, and I hadn't talked to him in a while, and he emailed me right out of the blue right I don't know if that's coincidence right. I don't know what that is, but the odds of it happening You got to think of how many times do you think about your friend, and they don't email you right right like

Why is it then when you think about them, and they do? you right right like why is it then when you think about them and they do is it just going i don't know but i think there are times where you sense things that you don't have a sense for like there's a feeling that you get where you don't understand and i think we we sense things about each other and maybe there are social cues that we're picking up on maybe they're maybe people give off pheromones when they're upset. Maybe those trigger you because we're like sort of designed to avoid confrontation in certain individuals. But I think this idea that they can look at you and like, your family is from, I sense a farm. Is there a farm?

Is there a farm in your past? No. Plants? Selling plants? Yeah, I had plants. What it is is a potted plant. Sit by plants selling plants yeah i had plants what it is is a potted plant sit by those yes yes there was a potted plant and you were close to a woman yes um who would that be my mother my mother was a woman your mother yes yes i see your mother um i'm trying to picture out her name is there an a A in her name? Yeah. Yeah. Magdalene. Yes.

Magdalene. Dude, I went to see this lady. She knew everything about my mom. A friend of mine went to a chiropractor, not a chiropractor, a psychic, same shit. Same shit, different toilet. He went, dude, chiropractor knew all about my grandmother. I go, yeah. Don't you know about your grandmother? You know about your grandmother, right?

So your chiropractor's telling you shit you already know, or your psychic, rather. Right, right. I keep calling the chiropractor. I know, I was like. Reiki healer knows shit about things that you already know. So they're telling you things you already know. Like, they're not psychic. Right, right, right.

They're manipulating you. They're pulling questions out of you. They're getting answers. They're giving you leading questions. You're answering them in a very naive way. Yeah. And you're giving them the information because they're fucking con artists. Tell this asshole to tell you what your future is.

Tell him to tell you what the lottery number is. How come they never picked the lottery, these fucks? That's right. And Houdini had this thing where didn't he work it out with like his wife or something? There was like a code word so that when he died, he would go from beyond, have the word that they would know. And it never you know happened maybe he didn't like her fuck that bitch i'm out of satisfaction knowing about

ghosts i go by penn and teller i'm friends with penn and love him he just tells me it's a hundred percent horse shit yeah like 100 flat out you know they have that james randy challenge you know that guy's offered a million dollars to anyone that can prove actual psychic powers. No one's taken him up on it. No one's ever. James Randi. It's the James Randi challenge. Not even the, what's the?

The Long Island medium. Yeah. I think she might be a bullshit artist. I, one time, I think I got hosed. I did a show, a podcast, and the lady was, she was good. Because I think, I think what it is, is people can read your unconscious. It's one unconscious mind reading another unconscious mind, I imagine. I feel like your father was an artist.

Am I right? Yes. But that's the thing. They're telling you things that you already know. That's what drives me fucking crazy. Affirming what's already a belief or whatever in you versus new information? What do you think about astrologers? Ah,

that's fucking stupid. Bullshit, right? Yeah. Bullshit. Can I tell you something? Whenever I made a girl and she's like, what's your sign?

And I'm like, Gemini. She's like, I knew it. You're such a Gemini. What's your husband? And I'm like, don't,

please don't. Like, I can't pretend like I, I can't, I can't subscribe to it. You're such a Scorpio. Yeah. God,'t subscribe to it. You're such a Scorpio. God, how can you not believe you're such a Scorpio? That's just not, it's silly.

But you can find traits in people and all sorts of people that match all sorts of different, like I could be a Virgo. I could be a Taurus. Yeah. Oh, you're so stubborn. You gotta be a Taurus. You're such a Pisces that way. You're such a Leo. How could. Oh, you're so stubborn. You've got to be a Taurus. You're such a Pisces that way. Oh, my God.

You're such a Leo. How could you not believe? You're such a Leo. Yeah, because I could read any horoscope, and it would probably apply. What I really wonder about, well, those are bullshit. The real horoscope thing, when you talk to the people that are super into it, they literally want to know what time of the day you were born, what part of the world you were born. Right.

And then they're like, well, you're a Gemini with a cancer rising and you're part cut. Stop. It makes my asshole pucker. Like even hearing it, it's like a million alarm bells are like, dum,

dum, dum, dum. I can't, I can't. I gotta. Yeah. Stan hope you still have a funny bit about it.

I forget how it goes. We have a funny bit about how ridiculous it is. It's just. It's fun. It's fun, but it's silliness. Well, we're searching. People are always searching for meaning. You know, we're always searching for someone who knows something that we don't.

Hidden knowledge. The secrets to the universe. Because there's so much uncertainty that leaves open this possibility that someone has like, I have been gifted. I have a gift. And you're like, yes, great. Tell me everything. I went to a psychic once.

I went to an audition in New York and I was just like, what am I doing with my life? Walking to the train station, I'm like, I'm going to go to a psychic. So I went to the psychic and she's like, you have a brother. No, I don't. A psychic brother. I feel like maybe you have a brother you don't know about. No, I don't. A psychic brother. I feel like maybe you have a brother you don't know about. No. No.

My mom had me when she was 20. I have a sister. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. She made up a bunch of stupid shit. She was talking about, you're not sure what you want to do with your life. I go, no, I know exactly what I want to do. Yeah.

Like, what? This is terrible. You don't know what you're doing. I had a lady just tell me right before I shot my special, a psychic, she goes, I go, what do you see in my future? And I knew that the special was coming. Right. And she didn't even know what I did for a living.

And she goes, I see you as like an interior designer. She's just guessing. Yeah. She goes, you have a real flair for style. I go, i certainly do not this is the last thing i'm good at i'm wearing two different color socks bitch yeah look at me i'm an animal like i don't know what i'm doing you're crazy lady why did you go see her because it was a podcast it was a friend's podcast where they have mediums on and i thought it'll be it'll

be silly it'll be fun and you know i i got i got suckered in that day i think i did i really did i i know if i'm being honest because my mother died two years ago so i was kind of like and and i now that i looking back she did totally lead me down like well your mother was kind of nutty though my mother was mentally ill yeah like legit like she was a borderline personality disorder and then um had schizophrenia too so it was fucking wackadoodles do you have to do like self audits uh you mean aggressive therapy for the last decade yourself before you wreck yourself type shit yeah like do you look into your own brain and go am i wacky 24 7 yeah yeah well not 24 7 anymore uh but i because i was i grew up alone with my mom my

parents split and then i was raised by a crazy person. And so I've had to like relearn how to think and what's, what's the right way to do stuff. And I, like I said, I've been in therapy for a decade, so I've had to learn, you know, like I just had to relearn and it's totally,

you totally can. You know, that's the thing. Like I, and I, that's why I talk, I don't talk about it to be like, Oh,

poor me. I had this thing, but just to let people know if you did grow up kind of wacky you can fucking fix your brain you can reorient you can you can change how you think you doesn't have to stay sick yeah and when you how often you go to therapy every week dude and if i don't like i feel it like i start it's i gotta i have a whole regimen it's the exercise it's the therapy it's eating's sleeping. It's you got to do it all. Otherwise, I mean, you know, I get out of whack. And what do you get out of the therapy? So I believe in psychotherapy, like getting back Freudian. I like to go back to the initial wound, to the root cause.

I like to go back. Look, because what happens is you get wounded way back when, right? The childhood trauma, the thing. And then you grow up and it gets triggered by whatever stuff happens as an adult. Except now you're all fired up and you're all angry and you're so overreactive and you don't know why. Well, it's probably not because of what happened today. It's what happened back here. Yeah. So if you resolve the shit back here, then what happens today becomes a lot clearer. And it works for me.

Yeah, well, that makes sense, right? Don't think about what's going on right now. Think right? Don't think about what's going on right now. Think about why you feel weird about what's going on right now. What is it really? Did my husband really just look at me funny and that's why I'm so furious about this little thing. Or is this something that's mommy, daddy way back here? Yeah.

Cause I think a lot of us live from the past. You live from the past wound. You make all your decisions based on that programming. So if your fucking wires are crossed, you're going to make bad decisions over and over and over. Yeah, and I would imagine that any time spent thinking about your behavior, thinking about the way you think, just examining your own mind, as long as you're really doing it justice, like really being like so many people don't ever think about the way they think. No. They're just caught up in the whirlwind of life, the momentum of their own existence.

And the next thing you know, they're like miserable and 50. Like, what am I doing? Where am I? Where am I? Right. Or it's the divorce and then the remarriage to someone who's going to be better. Right. He's going to fix it. He's going to fix it.

He's going to fix it. He's my soulmate. I'm going to have an affair. I'm going to do that. I'm going to act out here. How's that going to work for you? Yeah. Or I'm going to start doing drugs, alcohol, overeating, whatever, gambling, compulsive.

That'll clear up this stuff, right? The gambling one is the weirdest one to me. Yeah. I've known so many people that are compulsive gamblers, and I see the itch in them. They get that itch. I'm so scared of gambling. You go to Vegas? I don't.

I don't. I don't like it. It's not for me. Do you work there? I have, yeah. Yeah. I work there a lot. I work there like three or four times a year for the UFC.

Yes, yes. And I now spend zero time in casinos. But I used to spend time in casinos because I would stay in a casino and then I would work in a casino. But now I just stay outside of the casino because it's just – I don't enjoy being around that energy. I agree. Because there's this frantic gambler energy where you see these people. You walk by the card tables and they're just looking in there. Like,

whoa, you're like watching people in an opium den. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. It's depravity. It's low energy,

low frequency. There's the lightest synthetic, the air is synthetic. The time stops the, I don't like that. And you know, it's what I figured out too, is that everyone's got the shit, the addictions,

the gambling, the compulsive behaviors, because we're afraid to feel the feeling. You're just afraid of the feeling, the bad feeling. Well, I think it's that, but I think it's also, there is a reward to winning and you're chasing this reward constantly. I don't necessarily know if it's being afraid of the feeling as much as being addicted to the reward. You know, that's the thing. Like I was reading this article that the guy who created likes on Facebook was saying that not only does he not use Facebook now, that he's got a thing set up on his computer where he can't go to Reddit and his phone is set up or he can't download apps. He's like that whole like thing where you go to check to see how many likes you got on a Facebook post you made or something like that. Like that reward system is like entirely,

it's addictive and it triggers this, this thing in people and that it can hijack your mind. I mean, that was like literally like the title of the article is that like, uh, this technology can hijack your mind. Without question. It,

the reward system, right? Like little rats. Ding, ding, ding. I got the cheese. I got the cheese. Like they see those people in front of the slots. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, Like little rats. Ding, ding, ding. I got the cheese. I got the cheese.

Like they see those people in front of the slots. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, feels good. Just droned out. But then when you're in the reward system, you're not thinking about the stuff that's bothering you, right? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Yeah. Everything's great. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Likes? Love me, daddy. Good, good, good. I have to think about that. Gambling is a weird one, man.

Yeah, I don't understand it because you're really self-sabotaging. You know who gambles up a storm? Who? Dice. Really? Oh, yes. I've heard this. Yes.

He's a maniac. Yes. Hundreds of thousands of dollars a night. What? Yes. Maniac. That I did not know. Savage.

Wow. Yeah. Savage gambler. What do you think? What's the motive there? He's mentally ill? He loves it I loved him by the way as a child. Oh, I did too. I think so so funny Yeah, I love being friends with him. I love that. I'm friends with dice. Oh, it's the coolest

I don't know him but talking on the phone. Joseph. Talk to me. I love him. But he loves the thrill of gambling. I don't know. But the thrill, I avoid gambling altogether. I'm far too frugal. But is it the thing of like I can lose everything? There's a little of that. There's the rush of winning, too.

It's not just the notion that you could lose everything. It's the rush of winning. Wow. It's not just the notion that you could lose everything. It's the rush of winning. Wow. Dana White's a giant gambler. He's gambled. He's lost as much as a million dollars in a night. Is he a surfboarder, skipper? President of the UFC.

Oh, sorry. Who am I thinking of? Is he a band? Is he a boy band member? I'm thinking of Sean White. Is he a b-boy? You know what I've been getting into lately? Who? Break fucking love break dancing i love that whole i love that era there's an instagram page yeah called stance elements okay holy shit these guys are on another level

yeah there's this uh young korean kid the shit that he does defies physics. I think they call him Pocket Kim or something like that is his name. He's on that stance elements page. Dude, there's a school you can go to and learn. I don't know. I'm too busy. Come on, Joe. I'm having a hard enough time with English. That's the guy. Yeah, what is his name?

Bobby Pocket. B-Boy Pocket. Okay. Watch this guy. Check this guy check this guy but no you can't believe the shit he can do look at this look at this look at this I know dude seriously what in the fuck what this come on I mean what in the fuck this guy is on such another level than anything I've ever seen before. He's like taking this to some completely new place. So rad, dude.

He was on, I was looking at Tim Ferriss' Instagram page. I like Tim Ferriss. And this was on it. For our work week. Yeah, and this was on it. This guy was on it. And I was like, what in the fuck? And then I started following stance elements on Instagram.

And once I started following on Instagram, I realized like, like oh my god I had no idea this was even happening like there's and it's girls too there's a bunch of girls scroll down and see some of the girls like you see like long there was a girl with long hair with a hat on keep scrolling down just keep scrolling down um there was a girl on like dance floor type situation with long hair and a hat. Keep going. You'll find her. Keep going. No, no, no.

That might be one of them. Yeah, that's one of them. Watch this girl. Oh, shit. There's a bunch of them. Okay. But these girls can do crazy shit, too. They're unbelievable athletes.

Give me some music there, Jamie. But it's a crazy rhythmic gymnastics art form thing. Like, so they do the dance thing where they're standing up and then they get down on the ground. That's so hard, dude. Oh, it's crazy. Could you even imagine doing this shit now? No. But what's really interesting is a lot of these people that get into jiu-jitsu are particularly talented at jiu-jitsu.

Because they have some amazing control over their body. One of our best students from 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu is Gio Martinez and Richie Martinez. He's two brothers. And they're both break dancers. They started out break dancing. And now they're fucking savage jiu-jitsu fighters. And one of the reasons why is because they have this incredible control of their body.

I bet. But I'm fascinated. I go to that every day. I'm like, what's the new freak shit people are doing? Isn't that funny? You find your Instagram jams, right? Oh, I have a lot of jams on Instagram. What's your other jam?

Let's go. Oh, boy. I don't know. I follow a lot of nature pages. Oh, nature? I've got to get into that. See? Yeah, nature is metal is one of my favorite.

Cool. Have you been to nature is metal? Nope, I'm gonna. Horrific fucking animals killing each other. You do like that because you always do post shit like, look at this fucking beast and it's like some crazy animal. Yeah, I've got to tell everybody. Look at that one.

Yeah, dude. These wolves fighting over a deer that they killed. That's bananas. Yeah, they're covered in blood. These wolves fighting over a deer that they killed. That's bananas. Yeah, they're covered in blood. There's one that's going on right now.

It's not visual, but it's a story on my friend Remy Warren. On his Instagram page, they were on an island in Alaska, and they got attacked by a giant grizzly bear. A giant Kodiak brown bear. It was a 1,000-pound bear. Knocked them over. Ran through the camp. One guy was literally riding on the bear's back as it ran down the hill. The bear literally attacked, and there was so many people and everybody scattered in certain directions and nobody

got killed, but they easily could have gotten killed. And it's on his Instagram page. There's that video, but there's also on his Instagram story. If you're using the app and you click on his little icon, it's like one of those where you see like 100 dots in a row. And he broke it. I don't know how he did it. He broke like a long video down into 15-second chunks. You record the whole video and then you've got to take time to put it up on the story. But how do you do one where they seamlessly go into the other where there's no breaks?

Just use the next 15-second part. Oh, God. It's a little bit of a pain in the dick. There might be a better way, but I don't think that there is. But the way he did it is so seamless, it seems like there is a better way. Maybe they're better at it now. Anyway, a thousand pound, huge

Kodiak brown bear charged them because they had killed an elk and they had the elk in camp, they had the meat in camp They had the meat in camp and this bear just Ran over the top of the hill full blast At them knocking people left and right And they said it was only because there were so many of them That they survived and nobody got hurt One guy hit the bear in the face with ski poles

With like trekking poles And the bear scrambled He said literally there was giant Gnashing teeth inches from his face And everyone went Full He said literally there was giant gnashing teeth inches from his face. And everyone went full reptilian. They didn't see it coming. They had bear spray and pistols, but they couldn't get to him in time.

They're like, you think you can handle this? You think you're prepared? Oh, I would have done this. Next time you should do this. He's like, there's no next time. You have no idea how you're going to react when a thousand pound bear runs at you. Hell no. Hell no. Hell no. We had a rat in our house.

And I was terrified of killing it and seeing it dead. But I was excited to put down those traps. The snap traps. I was like, I'm going to fucking kill this thing. Yeah, I wanted to get a night vision camera. Just to make sure. You know, Red Band did that. He captured it on film

like the the rat getting great in the trap it's horrific the thing is screaming i know when the trap gets like i know i know when that motherfucker's shitting all over your house and shitting in your kitchen oh yeah that's all i want is to see you guys are in the hills yeah when you're in the hills you get rats there's no way around it no no you know what's so silly is that that rat thing i mean we eventually caught it because i poisoned the fuck out of our yard i was like oh my god no i loved it it was it felt good to kill it but i think i fucking showed up dead one day my kid was playing right next to it i was like oh my god it's here and it was all stiff and i got to like throw it away and it was good um but it really made me realize maybe this is like whatever tangent but i think i'm becoming more of an atheist

too because you start to realize that it really just is like humans versus the elements like it's just us trying to build a fucking house trying to keep the rodents out trying to keep your shit safe bears from eating you trying to keep your young safe trying bears from eating you, trying to keep your young safe, trying to get them raised. We're just animals, but we've got cars and iPhones and shit. Yeah, but there's definitely a lot of that. Two camera shoot with night vision.

I have this trap too. I have a trap one where it screams. Oh yeah, is it down? I was trying to find it. I don't remember exactly where he had it. He's got it up somewhere on Instagram. I love it. But yeah, he caught them. Good don't remember exactly where he had it. He's got it up somewhere on Instagram. I love it. But yeah, he caught them. Good for him.

This is a good trap. We have this one too. It's an electric one, I believe. But he was hearing them in his walls and shit. Oh. God damn it. Have you ever seen Rats on Netflix? No.

Dude. The movie? Stop what you're doing because I'm about to ruin. There's a documentary, Rats, on Netflix. No, bro. It's fucking amazing. It's so scary. They're nasty as fuck, huh?

They're so nasty, and you realize how many there are. There's so many. Oh, my asshole just tangled. Dude, New York City, overrun. No. They say the weight in humans and the weight in rats might be the same. I'm sorry? Really? The weight of humans and the weight of rats.

There might be as many pounds of rat as there are pounds of people. That's one theory. They don't know. It's just guesswork how many rats there are. But they're convinced there's as many rats as there are people. There's 7 million people in are people. There's 7 million people in New York! There's 7 million rats! But they say it might be as high as the

body mass, like the biomass of rats and the biomass of people. Yeah. See, that's why I knew when I fucking found one... I'm gonna make that up. I don't know. When you find one, there's a bunch. These unfortunate rats were not part of the comb study, were found hung by the Lower East Side resident last summer.

They hung rats? How big they are. Why'd they hang them? Those are horrendous. Why'd they hang them? Just to let all the other rats know? Listen, you cunts. It's my fucking neighborhood.

Let this be a warning. You can't. Have you seen those Cuban rats in Cuba? My husband went there once, and they're called nutria. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have those in the South. They hunt them.

Yeah, good. Apparently, they taste good. No. Yes. Yes, people cook them. Apparently, it's like, God, did Anthony Bourdain have it on his show? No, it was on another show. It was on someone's show. Someone had a show about edible

wild animals that people take for granted. I forget what it was called. He cooked nutria and it was delicious. He made this casserole or something. Was he in Uganda? I think that was in Uganda. No. Are you sure? Yeah, he was in the south. I think in Uganda one time they fed him a rat and he

was like, it's delicious. And you just knew that he was being, it was in a yellow curry sauce. I had squirrel. I hear it's greasy. The way I had it wasn't greasy, but it was good. Yeah. It tasted good. It didn't taste bad.

It didn't taste bad, but it's not good. I mean, you got to think it's eating acorns, you know? It's like. Is that what they eat? Yeah. I mean, it's probably just like rabbits. Like, have you ever eaten rabbit? I like rabbit. Yeah, squirrel's probably acorns. You know, it's like. Is that what they eat? Yeah. I mean, it's probably just like rabbits. Like, have you ever eaten rabbit? I like rabbit.

Yeah. Squirrel's probably the same. I've had a rattlesnake, jambalaya. Really? That's okay. I've had alligator. I like alligator. I'm supposed to go hunt alligators with a buddy of mine.

Those are cool. I'm going to bow hunt for alligator. Fucking dinosaurs, dude. Yeah. You're basically shooting a purse. When I was on road rules back in the 90s, we went to a crocodile farm. dude. Yeah, you're basically shooting a purse. When I was on Road Rules back in the 90s, we went to a crocodile farm.

Whoa. Yeah. You were on Road Rules in the 90s? You didn't know that? No. Really? This whole time?

MTV, Road Rules? Yeah, the red-haired stepchild of the real world, dude. I was in a Winnebago. We went to Australia. How was the red-haired stepchild? Was it the same producers or something?

Same company, Bune and Murray, and the real world was like the flagship awesome show. Right. And then like a fraction, you know, watched The Road Rules. Do you know Matt Kunitz? One of the guys who was the... Do you know Matt?

Yes. He's the guy who was a producer of Fear Factor. Oh, that's right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Matt's a friend of mine. Small world.

I vacation with him. Oh, well, tell him I said holler. I do love Matt Kunitz. He's a great guy. Yeah, there's a lot of good people. I worked with him forever. Yeah. Yeah.

Good people come out here. But anyway, we worked at the Crocodile Farm, and this is back in the day. There I am. Get the fuck out of here. Look at you. And not wearing jeans, by the way. Dude, you're a baby. I know.

You're like a baby. That's crazy. That's you? Yeah, I was like 20. Zoom in on her. Low res, guys. Wow. I'll find a better version. How old were you I was like 20. Zoom in on her. Low res, guys. Wow. I'll find a better version.

How old were you then? Like 20. Wow. Crazy haircut, too. Look at that 90s haircut. Isn't it funny how people get on those shows and they're like, wait, maybe something will happen out of this. How few people things happen for.

It never. You know who Michael Yeo? Do you know Michael Yeo? Yeah, I do. The Yeo Show. He was on the first ever episode of Fear Factor. Really? Yep. for it never you know who like michael uh michael yo do you know michael yo yeah i do he was on the first ever episode of fear factor really yep he's he's really good he's really talented he's a great guy too sweetheart of a guy but he was like one of the rare guys that made it through fear factor oh my god and how many famous how many people do you think came on fear factor being like someone's gonna see me and I'm going to be discovered?

Probably a few, right? But that wasn't the show. It's not American Idol. No. Even American Idol. Think about all the people that were on American Idol. What is the percentage of people that are on America's Got Talent that actually have a career afterwards? Well, who actually did was Melissa Villasenor.

She was on AGT. AGT, as the kids say. Who's Melissa Villasenor? Melissa Villasenor. She's now on Saturday Night Live. Shut the fuck up. She's an amazing impressionist. I mean, this girl was on Instagram every day doing like Gwen Stefani,

Jalee, what's his name, Osmit, whole fucks nut from The Sixth Sense. Jalee, suck my nuts. She would do these obscure things and they were spot on. And she came on Your Mom's House and pretended to be Gloria Estefan and was fantastic. We played the call for Gloria Estefan and she was like, oh my God, this girl is amazing. Wow. So she's on there. So I would say that's for sure. I know Melissa Villasenor's

Terry Fedor guy he has a fucking theater in Vegas But wasn't he always I thought he was successful prior to being on I don't know I mean he won America's Got Talent That's like his credit It says winner of America's Got Talent and they have a theater named after him in Vegas It's bananas the Terry Fedor theater Theater. Season two. Season two. What are they up to? Like season 90 now? Wait, hold on. Who's that season 10 guy?

He's trying to be Terry Fedor. This motherfucker. What's he doing? Paul Zerdin. Who's this motherfucker? British comedian. Yeah, I mean, look, he's got puppets. Like there's not a whole lot of guys with puppets in America.

Like stop and think about that. What are the numbers of people that have like a puppet act that are comics today? Well, we got the big one. What's his nuts? Oh Come on the guy we had the same. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that guy Jeff Dunham Dunham huge huge. He's giant. Yeah, he sells out arenas arenas and in like crazy markets that you wouldn't even She won it good for you Darcy. She won it. Good for you Darcy. She's 12. Yeah.

That's ridiculous. Like it fucking get her off the stage. She doesn't know what she's doing. Fuck nuts. Fuck nuts. What's his name?

Simon. Simon. Simon Cowell. Everyone sucks. I'm such a cunt. Yeah Howie. And then that's Spice.

What's her name? Scary Spice. Yeah. The comedian that did very well. He made it to the finals. His first like thing he did in L.A. I think was on Kill Tony. He was on Kill Tony quite very well, he made it to the finals. His first thing he did in LA, I think, was on Kill Tony.

He was on Kill Tony quite a few times. Who? That's cool. His name's Preacher Lawson. Oh. And he made it all the way to the finals. That's it? High energy comedian, yeah.

That's pretty good. Look at that. Wow. Got a lot of energy. Yeah. He's very muscular. Kind of jacked. As the kids say.

And he's taking a chance wearing tight clothing too hell yeah distracting from his from his stage persona see do you see now that's an interesting we're talking about this

with Brendan Schaub on our show and he doesn't like to dress too attractively like showing off his physique on stage and women I have a similar problem too

I have huge tits and so one of my problems with my special was like how do I fucking cover up these enormous cans so people aren't like look at that tits look at the tits and so one of my problems with my special was like how do i fucking cover up these enormous cans so people aren't like look at that tits on that jokes too but tits yeah please you know i gotta jerk off before i watch the specials

like something about tits well they're your thing. We were talking about this in the beginning. When you're born and your mom goes, here you go. And you're like, these are great. Where can I get more of this? Plus, guys stare at tits with the hope that almost like when you stare up at the sky, every now and then you see a shooting star. If you stare at tits, every now and then one will pop out. Like, whoa, a little nip slip. Does slip does that really happen yeah nip slips are real i've seen nip slips i've seen girls like they bend over to

like fix their shoe and their tit pops out oh my god did you see that like don't worry it's no big deal i looked away as soon as i saw it i'm being respectful so at what age does that like what age does that all calm down and you become like a civilized human oh sorry is that a stupid question what is this

Narnia land nevermind I think when your dick stops working look at Harvey Harvey Weinstein's like 70 years old right how old is he

so disgusting he's getting his rape on he's too old to be that rapey no no no Viagra cocaine yeah see at 60 shit's supposed to kind of 65

i think he farts when he comes this nasty you nasty hot yeah of course he farts when he comes. Look at him. Oh my God. Now here's the question. How does a guy bounce back? This is not bounceable. No? No. So what do you do? Especially in today's culture where there's no hall pass anymore for this shit.

Right. He's just got to go into hiding. Or like Bill Cosby, do the complete deflection. Like, I don't know what these bitches are talking about. He's in total denial. But he's also blind like bill cosby's almost completely blind and so that it's weird when you look at him like it's all cockeyed shit it's like do you it's almost like his body is like rebelling on his reality you know it's fucked up the evil's making him blind i was a fan of his in a big way when i was a little kid of course i remember listening to uh bill cosby himself i mean yeah he's oh his eyes are all fucked up now yeah he has like really aggressive glaucoma go with the one above it my

favorite is the art the folded hands like rudy Look at that picture right there. Come get your pootie. That's the mugshot when he got arrested. It's just so weird. Go from that picture to the one in the upper right where he's smiling. Like, what happened? Like, this was the guy we thought we were getting, right? We thought we were getting Jell-O pudding America. Look at him smiling.

Imagine if you were the girl who this guy raped. Oh, my God. And you had to watch him be like America's sweetheart. And you're like, no, you're a monster. You're taking people's humanity. It's so crazy. Like the Hugh Hefner thing, he's just a freak. Yeah.

You know, they know what they're signing up for. He's not drugging anybody. That's true. And everyone's kind of aware. Yeah. You know, they know what they're signing up for. He's not drugging anybody. That's true. And everyone's kind of aware. Yeah. Hey, guess what? It's creepy. Yeah.

It's not going to be great. But there's an exchange here. You get free rent. Yeah. You know, the pajama thing. Even Harvey's not drugging anybody. I don't know that. We don't know yet. I don't know.

To what extent. I'm just talking shit. Yeah. But for the stories that I'm hearing, he's just like trying. Like, again, he's missing a lot of pitches like over the years right so if 25 women have come forward how many did he just fucking

knock it out of the park inside the mind of Bill Cosby wow what year was that I wish we could really get in there it's just like pills and rape just coming and people are asleep what's the favorite thing yeah how is that you're the favorite too like i need you to be totally dead i don't know um i've heard theories one of the theories that i heard that was kind of interesting

is that when you are that much of a celebrity in a time where there's no repercussions like pre-internet right yeah that your um your thoughts of who you are in comparison to who other people are is that you really literally feel like you're royalty, like you're better than other people. I worked at a casino once, and they told me that this was before Bill Cosby got arrested. This was when the allegations were just before they were even emerging. This was before anything happened. They were talking about how weird he was and that he made the employees all sit down and watch him eat curry. He had to have everybody in that was working there, door people, box office.

They had to sit in the room with him and watch him while he ate. And then he had a security guard tuck him into bed, like literally tuck him into bed at night when he went to sleep. What's with the curry, though? He wanted people to watch him eat. And then watch him take a shit. I don't even think. He's like, come on in here. I mean, you could be generous and say, well, maybe it's like his way of getting over stage fright.

Like he gets over the feeling of people watching him. Like all these people staring at him and then going on stage like it could be an effective strategy Like if you really think about it Hmm, if you have a room full of people that are just staring at you and you just doing normal stuff And then you go on stage. It's like you've kind of relaxed sure do the does that make any sense? I mean also I know now I mean does It does for somebody who would who who would, I just, for me personally, the power move of doing that is such an asshole thing.

Like, Hey, everybody stop what you're doing. Watch me eat curry. It's so absurd. It's like, do you really need that? Is that. That's what the woman who was working there was telling me. That's how she was thinking of it. She's like, he's so weird.

I was like, how so? And then she was just telling me all these stories but in the dressing room they'll be standing around that's a power move though 20 people that's a power that's that's hey do it do what i say yeah tuck me in tuck me in tuck me in i keep climbing bed and you have to like like a little burrito yeah a little burrito. Yeah, a little burrito. Read him the story. That's how I like to go to sleep. Give him his baba. Yeah. Ooh, shut the light out. Now leave. Ooh.

That's so dark. Well, you know, like a lot of these people have like a whole team of handlers, you know? Yes. Open the door for Mr. Cosby, you know,

like Mr. Cosby sits down. You know, you might want to buckle him up. Want to buckle up, Mr. Cosby? Mr. Cosby just sits there. You buckle him up and he just drives. Weird, right? Yeah, I'm not even, like, I don't know.

I can't connect. I don't know. Some people, I think, probably like the idea of royalty, like being royal. It sounds like a jail. It sounds terrible. Yeah. I follow on Instagram Kate kate you know the the new royal oh what's her name kate of it's like kate of berkshire or whatever fucking

princess kate and it's such a kate middleton yeah kate middleton yeah yes and the fantasy and i think in addition to the like thing right, that sort of whatever culture, is the culture of people putting forward their best image all the time. You're not really posting. Yeah. And could you imagine the absolute hell of being that 24-7? I mean, I would hate it so much. But does someone look forward to that? Does someone go, oh, I wish there was me?

Yeah. Some girl is dreaming of being Kate Middleton. It would be amazing. I want to be Kate. Look at her. She's very pretty. Yeah. No, she's fantastic.

She's doing a great job. Do you think he's got a hog on him? No. Tall, skinny guy. Might have a hog. You know, the Brits are not known for...

For hogs? I lived in England for a year. I did not do anything. I didn't touch an English hog, but I had a gay friend that was touching all the hogs. And he was like, I'm not impressed. I'm not impressed.

Hmm. Yeah. Look at this comment. Great-grandfather John committed suicide at age 43. His sister Julia remained a spinster her whole life, I believe. She lived with brother Ebenezer the shipwright. What the fuck kind of comment is that? This guy's leaving a bunch of comments, apparently.

Is this weird? Yeah, just a bunch of stuff. Talking to Hitler. Yeah, look at this. Iran deal? What kind of abstruse, scandalous, and disgraceful gnosis is this? I am not one of the grand and glorious vetted ones privy to the global secrets. Like, oh, this guy's a nut.

This guy's leaving some interesting comments. This is a Kensington Royal Instagram page. How many likes do they have there? 119,000. Conor McGregor shits on you, Royals. He shits on your numbers, too. 2.2 million. Damn.

Spit at that. You know what's a great Instagram is passenger shaming. Have you seen this? What is that? Oh, it's fantastic. It's a flight attendant and she takes photos of people putting their nasty feet up on the seats and on the trays and acting like fools. And then she puts it up and they talk some shit.

It's fantastic. Yeah, see. People, look at this. Look at this. Nasty. Yeah, people are gross. Putting your feet up on the fucking shit. It's fantastic. Yeah, see? People, look at this. Look at this. Nasty. Yeah, people are gross. Ugh, putting your feet up on the fucking thing. Oh, yeah. Do it all. I just had someone do it last week to me.

They put their foot in between the seat. See how that dog is? Their foot was there. So you saw the foot while you were looking down? Yeah. Foot was right there. Did you say anything? No. I just took a picture and put it on Instagram. Yeah, just like that. It is nasty. People are fucking gross. And sometimes their feet will touch you.

Like if someone's hand touches you, no big deal. Yeah. But your fucking stinky feet. You know what my daughter did the other day? The same one that's making me wear this gay bracelet. My daughter made this bracelet for my seven-year-old. She's fucking hilarious. She had a Band-Aid on her finger and she kept it on all day.

And she goes, Dad, smell my finger. I'm like, I don't want to smell your finger. She goes, come on, smell my finger. I go, I don't want to smell your finger. She goes, it smells like roses. And I smell it. It smelled like Joey Diaz's feet. And she's laughing.

She's like, ah, it's disgusting. She thought it was so funny that she got me to smell it that I gave in. After, I go, okay. Oh, Jesus. It's rad. It's a tiny little she got me to smell it that I gave in after I go, okay. Oh, Jesus. It's rad. This tiny little seven-year-old, like, it's just so funny to her. It's so good. It's funny when you're going to see this about your son as he gets older.

They have their own little way of talking and thinking about things and communicating with you and a little calculated way of interfacing with the world. It's so weird. I see it already. I see some manipulation techniques. Does he talk? He's starting to, yeah. Yeah?

Words, words, mumma da da, and he can say certain things. Yeah, it's cute as fuck. I love it. Oh, it's so amazing. I like it. I love it. So strange. You're making people.

It's bananas. It's bananas. And we look at him, and I'm like, we made this dude. Yeah. Like, one weekend in Virginia Beach. Woo, when you were at the Funny Bone. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. We were eating at Ruth's Chris, and then this fucking guy. Do you guys, like, when you see Tommy now with this crazy fitness routine, I mean, he looks fantastic.

I mean, I saw him the other night, and I was like, Jesus Christ, look how fucking great you look. I love it. He lost all that weight from the other night. I was like, Jesus Christ, look how fucking great you look. I love it. He lost all that weight from the weight loss challenge and then just fucking ran with it. He is so much happier now. And I sing the praises of the fat shaming campaign. And I think that shaming is such a wonderful tool to get people to jumpstart whatever it is that they need to accomplish. But people don't want to hear that. No.

But shame is a wonderful... It's not necessarily bad to feel shame. Shame is okay in small doses. It can motivate you. Yeah. Yeah. Some people need to be motivated. Yeah.

And in whatever way they can get. But the thing is, it makes people feel bad and people don't want people to feel bad. Yeah. Well, feeling bad is what makes you change. But some people, when they shame you, they're shaming you because they're just being mean. Any positive consequences that come from that are just inconsequential. They're just lucky. Yeah. You know?

But in this case, I think it was a constructive shame. Well, they were both wanting to lose weight. And Tom and Bert were both shitting on each other equally back and forth. Yeah, so crazy. But what was interesting is fans got really into it and were really mean about it. Yes, and really funny about it. We got many submissions on your mom's house, international submissions of like English teachers in their classrooms, like teaching them how to say Bert is fat in English and they were like speaking Indian or something.

It was really cool. So many videos. in English and they were like speaking Indian or something. It was really cool. So many videos. Tom started doing like local TV stations and talking to them about how fat Bert is. And it would get online and it just got so crazy. Yeah. You know, and then people would go to Bert's show and yell out, Tom's fat.

Yeah. You know, and like Tom's shows, people yell out, why is Bert so fat? I definitely think the Bert is fat campaign took off a lot more I would say that got some heat and I think his podcast Bert's is struggling in comparison to Tom's yours. I think you guys have a much more powerful presence online Yeah, and it's like he fucked with the wrong dude. He did he did fuck with the wrong dude now sober October We are how many 11 days in Yeah, today's the 11th. Yeah, so everybody knows I'm not smoking pot

All right, why because I got shamed into it because I was being a fucking bitch He's like you can't smoke pot like I can it's just that wasn't part of the deal and I thought about it on September 31st I said or whatever it was September. What is it 31 30 30 and I was like fuck this I don't need to smoke pot. I'm gonna or whatever it was. September, what is it? 31? 30? 30. And I was like, fuck this. I was like, I don't need to smoke pot. I'm going to take the whole month off pot, too. So I've taken the whole month off pot. And one of the things that's interesting is my dreams are intense. Really?

I had a dream last night. And maybe it was because I paid attention to all this Harvey Weinstein shit. I had a dream last night that there was some Russian woman who was like married to some Russian dictator dude that was seducing me. And I was terrified. The dude was seducing you or the girl? No, the girl was. Oh, yeah, yeah. The woman was.

She was like some really hot Russian woman, but I was terrified of her because she was like the wife of like some really powerful man. And she was like making me hang out with her and like i didn't fuck her in my dreams but uh like i was like you know basically like being submissive to her you know it was very strange and we were on a boat somehow or another like it was super vivid and we're looking out and i looked out the window another boat was really close to us but it didn't collide with us like oh but it was like super vivid and i was thinking like wow like and um this is last night yeah and i was thinking i didn't have any alpha brain before i went to bed either it wasn't like one of those dreams but it was uh it was really vivid like really and that's one of the things that i'd heard

when people stop smoking pot is that their dreams become very vivid and you remember your dreams now in uh my my therapist will do dream analysis on me. And it's usually people who represent either feelings you have or you don't really dream. You dream in symbolism, right? So the Russian lady could be whoever. It could be your mother, your sister, your wife. I think she represented power to me. Like the feeling of being like, you know, like it's very unusual for a man to feel like they're in a position where a woman has power over them unless it's your boss.

Right. So for me, it was like this feeling of this woman who I couldn't say no to and I was scared of because she was like the she was married to some dictator, you know, and she's like, come into my room. I want you to hang out with me. And she was really beautiful. I was like, oh, okay, yeah,

sure, I'll do whatever. But I was like, really like nervous around her and shit. And you didn't get it on? No, not in the dream. Not unless I forgot that part.

Yeah. I mean, it was really weird. It was like, because I was like, I better do what she says. Like one of those things. And I was thinking like,

man, I wonder if that's what it feels like to be like, like someone who had to deal with someone like harvey weinstein like i was wondering if that's what planted that seed in my head like if i was a young starlet hoping to make it in the business and he was the guy that held you know possible my future in front of me right well also the dreams uh anyway my shrink says that when you do your dream analysis a lot of times it's feelings you can't deal with in waking life. So it's the feeling in the dream.

All right. What do you think they would say? Power, powerlessness. What do you think they would say about this dream? I don't know because I don't know enough about your personal life. It would have to know more about your dynamics like between your wife, whoever else is in your world. Because it always represents other people. You won't ever dream like if you have problems with your mommy or your daddy it's not really you never for instance whenever it's just

so weird but whenever i dream about my father i actually dream about howard stern like i associate the two yeah so howard stern shows up uh they have a similar sense of humor and i grew up on stern and i see stern as like a paternal you know he could be my be my dad. Like in a lot of ways, he's my comedy dad. Like I grew up just worshiping Howard Stern. So whenever I dream about Stern, I know it's like, oh, it's a dad issue. Would you be weirded out if you did a show? I would fucking love it so much. It's my dream.

That's one of my, I don't get geeked out on celebrities. I don't really care. He would be the only one that I'd be nervous. He was the most important thing that I ever did for sure to me in my mind. He was like, uh, like I didn't give a fuck if I was on a tonight show. That didn't mean anything to me.

I was never a tonight show comic. Like my, in my mind, like all those things were like for people who want to do seven clean minutes. And I was a Kenison guy. You know, I liked Kenison. I liked,

I liked dice. I liked, you know, I like Richard Pryor. like i didn't want to be that kind of squeaky clean comic so to me howard stern was like this groundbreaker like he was like the first guy to ever just do an all talk show on regular radio right i mean he used to do songs used to play records but then it became just the stuff in between the records was even better and then it became all that and when i was a kid i mean i had heard like there was some funny shows in boston with back in

the day when they had real djs and shit like that but i had always heard about stern you know and then once i i first started listening to him and it was like he was on in boston as well and i was thinking like that that's the that's the Holy grail. Like that's when you get there, especially then back in the day when he was on like regular radio and everybody was listening. It was like, you know, you'd get like 18 million people listening to his show. Fucking crazy. There's nothing I ever liked that before or since. No. And I used to, I worked in my dad's shop. My dad had a forklift repair shop and I'd have to

fucking work there every summer. and I remember starting at like 12 years old I started listening to Stern he was on like the radio here in LA in the mornings and I would be so bummed when those four hours were over and then I have to listen to whoever fucking dickhead was on after like whatever fake nonsense radio and then like but bongo fiesta came out that was the shit and they had like the, you know, the KKK guy. Yeah. Oh, it was so radical. It was so funny.

Yeah. Remember Private Parts? Of course. I've seen it a million times. Yeah. You know, to me too, he also represented this fight against the suppressive free speech of the right wing people that were in power at the time because the FCC went after him in a huge way.

They were fining his station hundreds of thousands of dollars for doing potty jokes or something like that. And talking about penises. They would attack them and literally fine them hundreds of thousands of dollars. It was a direct assault on free speech. Because it wasn't even words that they were saying. It wasn't even forbidden words. It was topics. They were deciding what people could and couldn't say.

And he was, for all of us who are comics, he was at the front of the line of that shit. I mean, he was the guy that was taking the hits. And in a lot of ways, it boosted him, you know, because everybody was aware that he was like being attacked and people were outraged. But it was, it represented when Bush was in office, when Bush was was the president and we were all kind of freaked out by that This was happening. You know that this this guy who was this really funny guy They were deciding he was a criminal and they were finding his station hundreds of thousands of dollars for what for For making people laugh like so crazy. Yeah, so for me it just represented so much. It was just so It was so crazy. It was just so crazy. It was just, that was the most nervous I've ever been in my life.

The night before I did it. And actually, I did yoga. The night before I did it, I did yoga in my hotel room to calm myself down. And it worked. Yeah? Yeah, I was super calm. Dude, that would be like, I would love to do that. It'll probably happen.

Oh, man. Do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do. What about, what was I going to say? Oh, I fucking forgot now. I don't know. You got mommy brain. Yeah, I got mommy brain.

Mommy brain's a real thing. Yeah, it for sure is. It totally changed. I don't sleep through the night anymore. I wake up all night. You hear things too, right? Like, what? What's going on?

Everything okay? I sense everything, man. My spidey senses are always on as a mother. Imagine. I don't know what's up. Get a little human you made with your own body. It's fucking bananas. I don't know why women act like it's not the biggest deal in the world. It is the craziest thing in the world. What women

act like it's not the biggest deal? I feel like it's very normal for some people. I just feel like we need to be, like, blown away by it constantly, and we're just not blown away by it enough well you know what you don't have a 50 hour a week day job and a dickhead for a husband

you know what I mean yeah I mean for those women like yeah fucking kid's still alive guess I gotta feed it I don't know I mean I think the experience is different depending on what kind of relationship you have with your partner. Yeah, definitely. Partner sounds like you have a gay girlfriend.

My gay partner. Yeah, right? Can't say partner. A guy said that to me about his girlfriend once. Well, you know, me and my partner, we've been living together for a while. I'm like, what? Your partner. Your partner.

That's a homosexual. Yeah. He was calling his wife his partner. Yeah, that's only for gays. That's not for sure. Are you a partner in crime? Are you guys criminals? Are you a business partner?

What the fuck are you talking about? It was just such a weird way of describing it. My partner. Monroe for too close for comfort. She put a strap on on you, bro. Yeah. We were watching As Good As It Gets last night and Greg Kinnear. Was that his name?

I hated that movie. Oh, really? I love it. It made me angry. What part? What made you angry? Because he's a racist. They're going to fix it with a pill.

Oh, right. It was so stupid. It was so fucking stupid. She seemed like this really sweet woman who had a kid and Jack Nicholson was this old cunt and that's as good as it gets. Like, what kind of fucking message is that for people? Like, this is so stupid. I never thought of it that way.

And the writing was so dumb i was like oh you're gonna fix his racism with a pill get the fuck out of here that is so stupid like oh i'm all better now i don't hate spics like fuck off fucking stupid movie i hated that movie like this poor lady she seems so nice like maybe find a nice guy who's sweet to you. I never thought of it that way. She just settles for this old shitty racist creepo who needs to take drugs to make him somewhat normal. Yeah, he

takes drugs to make him not a racist. It's the stupidest idea ever. And he kind of manipulates her by sending the doctor over to care for her child. She has no money. As good as it gets. This money. As good as it gets. This is not as good as it gets. Hang in there, sweetie.

You can get better. You can do a lot better. That was pre-Tinder. Jack Nicholson, though. She couldn't swipe right. She could not swipe, no. There was no swiping back then, bro. You just gotta find some other nice dad, and your kid gets along with their kid, and you have another fucking Brady Bunch type deal.

That's right. You could have done that. This is the story of a man named Brady. What's her name? Alice just died, right? Yeah. Who's alive still? The dad died of AIDS, right?

That was bananas, right? When you found out the dad was actually taken in the keystone. Had no idea. Oh, so anyway, Greg Kinnear's character, his parents disown him because he's gay. Yeah. And last night, Tom was like,

can you believe this shit? This is like, what, 20 years ago? Yeah. That was considered a thing that you would disown your child. Oh, yeah. It probably still is a thing.

Oh, yes, it is. But I'm saying it's way less. It's like Kansas and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. South Dakota, they fucking kill you. Of course. They kill you.

People in South Dakota, fuck you, Rogan. We're normal now. We have the internet. I'm kidding, folks. I'm running out of things to say. I free ball. They bow hunt.

Yeah. The queers. The bow hunting queers? Is that what you guys do? The hunting? Hunt the gays? No, no. The gays aren't edible.

Bow hunting the queers can you imagine I was reading this thing about cannibals about the it's a weird thing to say right I guess you had to dance around you couldn't be like my boyfriend my girlfriend no it's his wife he was calling her his partner

people are so fucked up No, it was his wife. He was calling her his partner. People are so fucked up. Well, I almost think that a guy like that is so programmed by liberal sensibilities that he's like, he wants to put her on equal ground. It's not my wife. I don't own her. She's my partner. We're in this together. Totally drinking the Kool-Aid.

All these bitch-made men. totally drinking the Kool-Aid. All these bitch-made men. There's so many just bitch-made men out there that just wearing slippery shoes and walking around with tight pants on. They can't take a punch. They're just barely getting through life. Let's talk about this.

Barely men. They're barely men. You know what? It's so funny because Tommy yesterday, he goes, you know what, Christina? You're like a 1930s man. Because I'm so... A cigar in a corner of your mouth reading the paper of these fucking faggots.

Well, you know, because I'm a little traditional. I actually am very traditional about this kind of stuff. Look, the truth of it is, the fucking guy wearing the string bracelets and the thumb ring and the ponytail and your chakra alignment and the reiki that's just a fucking thing for him to get laid at the end of the day he's just trying to convince you to fuck him well he's just trying to play the spiritual angle that's right yeah that's his game well this is what i was saying on stage last night you know i did jeremiah watkins show you ever do that show no i have to i hear it so fun stand up on the spot yeah just make up things people yell things out at you but one of the things i was saying we were talking about Watkins show. You ever do that show? No, I have to. I hear it's so fun. Stand up on the spot. Yeah. Just make up things.

People yell things out at you. But one of the things I was saying, we were talking about male feminists. Somehow the subject came up. And I was saying, if you could give any one of those guys a pill that would turn them into that Thor dude, that Chris Helmsworth dude, they would all take it. Thor, the most powerful. 100% of them. Yeah.

And then they would just be themselves. Yeah. They wouldn't have to. I was talking about this tweet that I read that literally made me want to punch my fist through the fucking laptop. This guy said, I'm not calling myself a feminist until women tell me I'm doing feminism correctly. Like, he's just like literally cutting off his dick and offering it on a platter. I don't need this. I'm not about that.

I'm spiritual. Well, and here's the truth. I mean, at least for me, I appreciate when a man is down for the cause. Like, I get that. But it's not sexually, it's not attractive to date a guy that's like a girl. For me, personally. I like men. Sexist.

Totally. A hundred percent. Are you sexist? Yeah, probably. I don't know what I am. It's okay to grow and be sexist. I don't even know. I feel like it's okay for a girl to want traditional gender roles.

It's very suppressive if a guy wants them. That's the thought process. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, because we have the option to be like the stay-at-home mom or the career lady. But if you want like a guy to be a man, that's okay. But if a man, I like a woman who just shuts the fuck up right lets me bang her right right people like what right you're considered yeah the girl can say i like a guy who just grabs me by my hair and fucks my mouth right you're like whoa and you're like whoa she's

so empowered wow there's a lady that she's not slut shamed yeah she could be herself i don't know i don't know i don't know you know what i don't know i think i just all of our issues stem the real issue all of our issues stem from actual sexism actual discrimination if if we didn't have that if we just had people judged by on the merits of their behavior and their character and what they're capable of and we would just look like that's one of the things about the stand-up comedy world. Like maybe audience members, like, I mean, you would be able to tell much more than I would

that they, you know, I definitely think that some guys see a girl go up and they go, oh, fucking, what is she funny, right? That was the whole environment I came up in. For sure. Arms folded. Yeah.

What the fuck is this girl gonna- This girl's gonna be funny, great. How long is she up for? 15 minutes? Maybe I should take a piss yeah 100% go to the bar Yeah, but in the world of comics. It's very egalitarian Yeah, if you kill you're a comic right like nobody none of that nobody in the comedy world looks at Ali Wong as a girl She's amazing. She's just a comic yeah, comic. She happens to be a girl, but she's

just a killer, right? That's how everybody looks at her. There's like a thing, there's like a level of the video game that you get to where you slot into, oh, this is a peer. She's a killer. You know? Yeah, yeah. And that's an interesting thing about the world of comedy.

When you're a killer, people think of you as a killer. It doesn't matter if you have a vagina or a penis, if you're gay, if you're straight, if you're murdering it, you're, you're in that group. Right. It's the great leveler, right? Yeah. It's a very, it's very true. Yeah. Because like nobody can hold your hand for you once you get up there. No, no. And it's, it's a, it's a very ballsy thing to do. And either you, you fail and you fail hard or you succeed and you succeed hard. There's no middle ground. But I definitely think women have a way harder go at it.

Because I think that sexual topics, you either are the slut, like you were saying before, or they're weird. Right. Because if you're just a regular woman and you're talking to these strangers about how you like your asshole licked and you're really embarrassed about it. People are like, what the fuck? You know, and girls will get mad at you. If you're attractive, girls get mad at you because their husband's laughing. Like, I think that's funny. She's gross. She's disgusting.

Yeah. And then politics are almost off level. Forget it. I mean, people get mad at you. They will get mad at you. If you're a Trump supporter and you're a woman and you're on stage and there's a bunch of people in the audience

that are liberals, they'll get mad. Forget it. If you're a liberal on stage and there's Trump supporters in the audience and you start shitting on Trump, they'll get mad at you.

Stick to the jokes. Stop with the politics. Stick to the jokes. Yeah. Well, what I've noticed is that at least, here's my thing. I have hope for the millennials.

I think they're changing how comedy is consumed. The podcasting world, it's millennials, the early adapters. And they grew up watching Sarah Silverman, Lisa Lampanelli, all these motherfucking bad bitches. So now when the millennial comes to a show, that 20-year-old boy doesn't have the same bias that the men who I started in front of had. You know what I mean? It's a given that a woman is a comic now. It's way cooler. It's way different.

But don't you think there's, I'd like to think, I'm not a millennial, but I'd like to think there's less sexism. Yeah. No. It's less accepted. Yeah. I mean, when I started featuring, I literally called the club in the Midwest and I was on Chelsea lately.

I go, okay, can I do your room? Can I headline or even just feature? No feature. Well, you know, Christina, I've already booked two women this year. Whoa. Yeah. The whole year, the whole year, guys. That's all 52 weeks, 50 of them. Yeah. And, uh, and I was like, wow, I'm never going to do your fucking club again. But you know, I heard shit like that the whole time. I already booked two women. Imagine if that was with a guy Oh my god. Imagine if guys it was that hard to get into comedy I already booked two dudes. You only have so many swinging dicks I know but again, you know, but with that feminism shit, and I I try not to look at the

The problems of the world like I try to fucking transcend it like I can't even I used to be so much angrier at feminism and all this shit when I was in my thirties. And then I, now I'm just like, you know what? I don't give a shit. I don't care what society wants me to be or what the fucking rules are. I don't care. Fuck you. Life is too short for me to even worry about what this person thinks or the society is thinking. Well, I think that like what you're seeing, like on college campuses where people are super radical left-wing progressive is And I think you've seen that with young people as well I think people are just trying to work out the world, you know

and sometimes they work out the world by assuming some sort of Behavior pattern and that behavior pattern could be right-wing or it could be left-wing. I mean it could be feminist It could be you know, whatever They could be genderqueer. They'll try that out for a while. I'm going to shave half my head and wear a nose ring and say, fuck cisgendered men. And they're like, people get weird. Yeah, that's true.

And they just assume these patterns and try them out for a while. Almost like dressing punk rock, you know? Yeah, yeah. Start wearing Doc Martens and rolling your jeans up, you know? Oh, I love that time. Yeah. I was really good at that.

Did you do that? That was my lane. I was punk as fuck, dude. Were you were you goth and punk for any weird piercings in the face did you do the nose or the lips no i you know i was too sensible because i knew that i'd have a hole in my face oh you're always sensible i was so controlled yeah i only have one shitty tattoo i got a tramp stamp in the 90s on road rules oh yeah do you think that that control thing was because your mom was nuts yeah yeah my world was out of control so i was like i i have to be responsible i was the one that was responsible from the time i was you know a little little kid i grew up fast that makes sense the parentified child as they say yeah that's

isn't that that's you find that a lot it's interesting it's like i have this dilemma i've talked about this with brian callen and a lot of my friends that are dads it's like all my interesting friends came from fucked up childhoods but i don't want that for my kids no right so what is that like all my favorite people came from fucked up childhoods game Game, recognize game, son. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but it's because your wires or whatever crossed a certain way, same way, similarly. But you don't want to fuck up your kid.

I have the same dilemma. Believe me. I don't want my son. Then again, I'd be super thrilled if my son grew up and was like, I'd love, I'm going to be an accountant. I'm just going to be normal. Would you? Yep.

I don't want him to be in show business. Like this is the, this is craziness. Yeah. This business is not for normal people. Especially the avenue that you've carved. Stand up. Yeah. What do you mean?

You too. Yeah. Yeah. We've carved. Horrible. It's crazy. It's bananas. And I was just, I mean, when I look back on who we started with like 14 years ago and

the attrition rate, I mean, it's no reason. It's just bananas that we can even make a living at this. Like there's no reason I should be, you know what I'm saying? It's crazy. Well, it's one thing that, you know, you start off and you suck and you keep working at it and you suck less and then you start getting laughs and you start doing better and they start working and you keep building and you keep moving as long as you keep moving. And sometimes you'll have some setbacks, like probably you when you were doing Chelsea lately and me when I was doing news radio and you know, and you just, if you can get back on the horse, get back moving.

Yeah. You can pick it up. And next thing you know, you got a motherfucking Netflix special. Oh shit. It's out right now. Oh shit. Right there. Mother inferior. It's available right now. Oh, shit. Right there. Mother Inferior.

Mother Inferior. It's available right now. Thank you. And we'll wrap it up with this. Mother Inferior. Thank you. Available for streaming. Screaming and streaming.

Screaming. Both. Right now. God damn it. Christina Pazitsky, ladies and gentlemen. And make sure you watch and listen to Your Mom's House. Fantastic podcast. Yes.

And let's do this more often. Thank you so much for having me. My pleasure, my friend. Super fun. Thank you. I enjoyed it too. All right, folks. We'll see you soon.

Bye. Bye. OMG, we did it.