The Joe Rogan Experience - #1024 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 12, 2017

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. Check out his book “Life of the Party” on Amazon and his podcast “Bertcast" available on Spotify.

I just do a podcast say I sound like Joe Rogan, but I'm not just totally same voice everything Hello everybody, I'm live here with super Yogi Bert Kreischer newly sober athlete Resting heart rate of 47 47. That's pretty crazy, man I talked to I called my cardiologist right after I talked to you guys am I dying? I literally was like hey Joe Rogan said I'm dying. And he's like, first of all, he's like, I respect Joe Rogan, but please don't listen to him about your blood pressure medicine. But I read somewhere that blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medicine lowers your heart rate. Yes, those are beta blockers.

Yeah. I'm not on that. Oh, okay. Which, by the way, I spiraled out, and I couldn't get my heart rate up as I was spiraling. So I was like, I'm freaking out normally. My pulse would be through the roof. I called my doctor. He's like, no, you're healthy.

He's like, this is what we've been shooting for, is you to stop drinking. So he's like, let's just do what you're doing. He's like, have a good time with it. But yeah, my resting heart rate's low. I've never felt better in my fucking life, to be dead serious with you. How many days in are you? I have no idea. 12 days, right?

We're 12 days in? Today the 12th? I'm one day ahead of that because I quit the day before. I quit the day before because I listened to you guys and all the fucking armchair doctors who were like, Bert, you're going to die. You need to be medically induced into a coma. Well, you were telling us that you were drinking six doubles a day. By the way, I talk

out of my ass when I'm drunk, so I don't know how much I was really drinking, because I was definitely terrified. I was definitely terrified coming into the home stretch of getting sober, because I was like, man, am I going to die? I literally was like, and I talked to

Dr. Drew about it, and I was like, hey, can I die and stuff? And he was like, well, you can have seizures. Drew about it. I was like hey, can I like die and stuff? He was like well you can have seizures like But I I stopped drinking I didn't have withdrawals it just felt good the next day amazing yeah, and so killed Amy Winehouse You know I heard I've googled all this shit, but I think Amy Winehouse was just over the top You've got to be the second you wake up to the second you pass out drinking. Oh. And by the way, on that Australian tour, there were hints of that. Like there was not, I was flying and performing every night and I drink on planes.

I hadn't flown sober at that time. And so there was, but I was, I've always been very measured with my booze. So I wasn't going nuts. Did you feel good when you were doing that? No. How did you feel when you were drinking and flying, and you felt bad? I actually felt really bad. And I think we all tweeted this, but I was like, I was ready for this fucking month.

After that Australian tour, I was definitely ready. That's a great way to go into not drinking is fly to australia do a tour for two weeks and then fly back yeah i was like fucking bring it dude you know what man i don't drink that much but i feel way better too it's weird it's like i would have like maybe a shot before i go on stage some nights but some nights not and then you know maybe someone go you want a beer yeah i'll have a beer and they have one two. And then maybe I'd have a glass of wine with dinner. So, you know, on a regular Friday night, I might have four drinks. And now nothing for 12 days and no pot. I went off the pot, too.

I know. Because Ari was giving me such a hard time. You can't even quit. Can't even quit pot. You're an addict. That's what addicts say. And I was like, all right. I told Tommy, I was like, I'm just going to quit and not tell them.

And then break it at the end of the month. Like, it's easy. The pot's been easy. But the dreams have been different. It is really interesting how when you don't smoke pot, your dreams, like, wrap up. It makes me think, like, what? No, honestly, like, just completely objectively. I mean, like, death can't be good and not be dreaming.

Like, there's probably something happening. I was, my first few days of not drinking, I couldn't get out of lucid dreaming. And I was having intense lucid dreams where I was well aware I was asleep, but I knew that if I could just, I knew, but I knew that I was dreaming. And I was like, don't get out of this. You're having fun. And so, yeah, but dreaming has been intense. By the way, really my favorite thing is just sleeping good. Like I'm waking up at six in the morning and going like.

Feel good. Oh, that and man. And then by the way, and I know that you're like, Bird, are you like a fucking Uber fan of podcasters? There's like a lot of people I have been introduced to through your podcast. And like Brendan Shaw is one of my favorite people. I love that guy. He's awesome. And he gets coffee all the time. favorite people. I love that guy. He's awesome.

And he gets coffee all the time. Now I look at that, that gives me panic. When I see him get a coffee for the past year, I've been like, dude, how the fuck is he doing that? What do you mean?

When I drink, I can't drink coffee cause I start shaking. I get way too blood sugary. really? Yeah. Just regular coffee. I haven't had coffee. I haven't had like a cup of cup of coffee in probably, like, maybe, like, eight months.

Now, what is it about coffee? Do you put something in coffee? No, it's just coffee. Just black coffee? Yeah, because my blood sugar is low from drinking. I didn't sleep well. I have a cup of coffee, and it just would... And then I would be like, how does Brendan take naps in the middle of the day? Like, I couldn't

understand that. Dude, I enjoy getting up and going to Starbucks and getting a coffee more than I ever enjoyed going to a bar. It is, I get up and I feel like I'm part of the community. I like, say hi to people. We landed from that first sober flight I took, and I know that I'm going to sound like a child. When we landed, it was me

and Brendan Walsh was on my flight, and he was like, just randomly? Heh was on my flight and he he and he was like just randomly he randomly was in my flight i'd talk to him through text the night before and i was like dude i'll see you on the plane we got to lax and he was like yeah i'm hitting up sober october with you i'm not gonna drink either and i was like awesome man really yeah i said this and i i've never said this i go hey do you want to get a cup of coffee? And he was like, sure. We both got coffees at like 10 in the morning at the airport. And I was like, oh, I got a whole day ahead of me.

Like, I got coffee and meat? Like, dude, I had the funnest Sunday I've ever had. When I got home that night, I was like, I won't be able to sleep without a cup of coffee. I want a right to sleep. Are you worried that this is, like, right now you're in this really great place, right? Yeah. You're healthy. You're feeling good.

You're sleeping good. But are you thinking that this is just a vacation from your other life, or are you changing your life? My therapist, when this started, he said, do not do this challenge. I think it's a really bad idea. I was like, really? He goes, yeah. What kind of asshole therapist do you have? I've heard this.

Like, Christina was mad at him yesterday. At my therapist? Yeah. Yeah. Who the fuck is this therapist telling him to? I've heard this. Like, Christine was mad at him yesterday. At my therapist? Yeah. Who the fuck is this therapist telling him to? Because she's got a good therapist that she really likes. But I just don't. Maybe your therapist doesn't trust you. No, he said to me at one point, he goes, so how are you feeling?

I said, good. I'm not having like any epiphany. I wish I had an epiphany. But I don't have an epiphany. I'm just enjoying it. I'm really having a good time. I was like don't know if i don't know how i'm gonna get back into drinking and he's like that's why you shouldn't have done this if you want to quit drinking you should have just done it for yourself you shouldn't have done it out of spite for tom

ari and joe yeah but it's not spite it's a fun little challenge like i look i don't want to do 15 fucking yoga classes in a month i'm loving but we. But we're doing it. It's great. But do you really want to have an obligation to have to do three a week? Yeah. Do you do it? Do you really enjoy that? Dude, I can only work in those parameters. I can only work to the extremes.

Like when we said no pot, no booze, I was like, I'm cool because I'm not going to smoke pot if I'm not drinking booze. I'm a teetotaler. Like I take things to an extreme because that's the way I can help compartmentalize things but I think my question was like at the end of this month when November 1st rolls around yeah are you gonna just go get fucked up well obviously yeah I'm gonna be with Ari in New Orleans yeah we're doing the

impractical I'm a cruise November 1st. Oh, wow. With Ari, Big J, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sarah Tiana. We're all going to be on the cruise with the Impractical Jokers. Those Impractical Jokers guys are killing it. Dude, they did the Greek. I saw. 6,000 people.

Fucking insane. Mobbed. And I would love to have sat in the front row where they sat me and shit on their show. But I can't, man. I would love as a comic to be like, I'm better than this. But man, they forget up there and they have such great chemistry and they're showing like inside clips and it's just a multimedia event. Oh, so it's not like stand up.

It's like a bunch of different stuff that they do. Like they show like pranks they play on people. No, they don't show. They show more pictures from like their childhood or like things that, because they've known each other forever. Then when they were younger, they tell stories about them traveling together.

It actually is really a great show. Like imagine if me, you and Ari and Tom did a show at the store and we talked about Sober October. Tom and I would have a bunch of stuff very quickly that we could talk about our hot yoga classes and Ari and all our texts. Like, like one of my favorite things ever is when the eve of sober October, Ari fucking

puts, oh, sorry. Such a cunt. He puts out all our texts privately behind that we haven't been sharing with you on Instagram. And Tom goes, tell me that isn't giving you panic right now. Cause I don't know what I've said. Like we've all been like, Joe's not quitting weed. And then Ari managed, Ari managed this coup d'etat against you for pray for joe ari look i look i know ari gets a lot of shit online and everyone's fucking with ari but i

will tell you this has been exponentially fun because of his involvement because this is right in his little swing zone yeah when when you said you're Yeah. When you said, I'm not quitting weed, Ari then branched off to me and Tom. He's like, gentlemen, get ready for the assault on Joe. And both Tom and I are like, I don't think that's a good idea. And Ari's like, no, it's happening. I want you to get your comments ready. I want them to send in. We're going to workshop each other's comments.

I want you to be the first comments on this video that I post on this thing saying Joe's not taking part of Sober October. So we're all standing up. Tom, I love Tom to death. He's such a cuck. His first draft, I was like, this will not be working. It's too pleasant to Joe. Bert and I will rewrite this for you. Well, Ari has been, I think he's handling this the least.

He's struggling. He's saying, this is harder for me than any of you. And I'm like, I think he's handling this the least like he's he's struggling like he's saying this is harder for me than any of you and i'm like i think he's being serious i think he likes the marijuana for self medication he does and you know he has set his life up and i think if anyone looks at art from the outside in he's setting his life up for him yeah he's got his he's got a nice piece of cake yeah great apartment in does what he wants east village he's got all his piece of cake. Yeah. Great apartment in East Village. He's got all his friends. They all go out every night. Look at him.

He's got, you know, and he's one of the funnest guys if you ever go to New York to just call him up and go, what's the plan for today? And he's like, I don't know. Let's get lost. Let's go find some lobster somewhere. But he's taking it seriously. He got mad the other day when I was fucking with him. And I sent that text saying that I listened to your podcast Ari and it seems you haven't been doing all the poses

but good news is there's still plenty of days in the month to make up for the 15 different hot yoga classes and he took it seriously and got fucking super mad. That struck panic in me. If you had told me hey Bert those ones don't count but you can start over you still have 15 days I would have been like

fuck off. Dude I was only fucking with them and then my second I had to a two-wing attack That was the first level and the second level was like look just go to classes and whatever Things that you didn't do from the other classes you can just redo them on the honor system We don't have to do the whole class Just stand around like I was totally fucking with him, but he took it seriously He's also by himself in this I feel like like he's in New York. Yeah, so like well text messages are weird man It's not it's not a good way to fuck with people cuz you know you look at it Is this motherfucker serious? Yeah, you like you look at it and go no listen

Asshole, we're all professional comedians and you're the rudest one out of all of us He said he hoped you Ralphie. Oh, yeah Context I go I hope you Ralphie to like and he was like no I hope you Ralphie and I was like, oh you want me to die Yeah, what fuck are you? He has been he is the most flame-throwing, burn-the-bridge-down kind of guy. That's awesome. Yeah. He's hilarious. But I think that one of the things that stinks, and I wish this had been part of the bet.

I wish it had stayed in. I wish you had gotten him that yellow Corvette. Yeah. And I wish that he had stayed in LA this entire month and been able to be a part of it. Because there is a communal... Yeah. Like today, you're like, hey, podcast at 1.30. You want to go to yoga at 10.30?

Yeah. And I was like, fuck, I got a meeting at 10. But I would have loved that. Yeah. And I love Tom will text me and go. And it's the fun littleness of this competition is Tom's like, hey, I can only go to 4.30. Are you going to 12.30? And I'm like, yeah.

And then Tom will be like, well, Bert's a no-show. I'm like, asshole. Everyone look at the distilleries, the donut factories. The video was hilarious. Check all the hamburger joints. He is, by the way. Everyone's having fun fucking with each other. But honestly, I think Ari is taking it seriously.

Like all that pray for Joe, Joe's a weed addict, didn't bother me. I thought it was funny. I was laughing. I reposted a lot of it. Oh, that was the biggest. Dude, I went on stage in D.C. that first night, and people were like, we should take a moment of silence. And I was like, yeah, let's take a moment of silence.

Everyone bowed their head, and we prayed for you. It was so much fucking fun. Meanwhile, not smoking weed for 11 days is one of the fucking easiest things I've ever done in my life. It's not hard at all. I just don't smoke pot. It's not like, wow, how will I go on? I've been having some great sets.

Sets have been fun. I've done probably in the 12 nights, I've probably done like eight or nine sets. Those are the most sets I've done no weed ever. Really? Yeah. Like, since I started smoking pot, like, 20 years ago. For real. I did spots at the store the other night, and I had great sets, Stone Sober.

And, you know, what's so funny is I have a lot of apologies to issue on this podcast. Do you? There's a lot of things that I said when we were drinking that I then, uh, did and went, oh, I guess I was a little wrong about that. Like what? Like number one is I don't drink on stage. Like I didn't realize that there's a difference between not drinking on stage and having a drink with you on stage. There's a little bit of a comfort level knowing I can kill this drink and I don't have to deal with this. Like, and that first night, that Saturday night I went on with no booze for both shows. And on that late show, I was like, Oh, I could use a cocktail.

And I definitely drink on stage. Like I was like, I wouldn't mind a cocktail right now. So you were thinking before that you didn't drink on stage? I say, I go, I, and it's the truth is I don't mind performing sober. I enjoy it. But I would say like, if you had said, so do you get drunk on stage? I'd be like, no, never. But I definitely bring drinks on stage with me. Right. Like, if you had a breathalyzer test, like, if being on stage was driving, would you get arrested? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So you drink on stage. Yeah, I definitely drink on stage. That's number one apology issued. Number two is treadmills are not real running. No. I told you.

Dude, you got to come do my course. Do the course I do with me. It's fucking ruthless. Running hills. That's where it's at, man. Dude, let's just say I run on the treadmill all the time, and I can easily run under a 10-minute mile. I go on the road, and my first set of miles

was like 12 minute miles and I was in pain. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, this is not the same. And then I got to a 10 minute mile and I was like, that feels like a fucking sprint.

But you know, you can get, do we show you those treadmills that are like running? They're really expensive. Yeah. I thought about getting one, but,

so what I do now is I'm doing road work. Maybe you can work out some sort of deal with them. Who are they, Jamie go to rogue rogue athletics? the other the guys who made the Reverse hyper machine that we have in the back, and I'm actually It's called true form yeah pull the pull the shit out so we could see what it looks like but this thing is different because

It's that you're actually pushing your own body weight. There's no machine behind it. It's just got friction to it. And it's got like a slope. And you run up on it. And it really is like the closest thing to running. I still think actual running is better. But that is a very close second. According to, wow, $5,000.

They're really expensive. Trueform hit me up. Why is it so expensive? They hit you up? No, I'm saying, hey, Trueform, hit me up. Yeah, hey, $5,000. They're really expensive. Trueform hit me up. Why is it so expensive? They hit you up? No, I'm saying, hey, Trueform, hit me up. Yeah, hey, Trueform, we'll fucking do a free ad. We're doing a free ad for you right now, you fucks. I don't know who can afford that.

That's a lot of money. Well, some people can. I mean, for sure, some people would be willing. If you had to have one piece of equipment in your house and you budgeted and you budgeted it out, 5,000 bucks is probably worth it if you could actually use it and get in great shape with it. But I really feel like the best way to do it is to just go outside. I mean, I think like, especially if you can go somewhere where there's like a dirt trail and like a lake to look at, it makes it more interesting.

It's been, it's been one of the cool things about not drinking and getting out and doing road work is, uh, my wife calls it source energy of like getting out there and going like, oh, it's fucking beautiful. Yeah. Life is really beautiful. Yeah. I go to the park that like where Joe used to live right by this park. I used to go there all the time and see Joey. And I go to this park once every morning we go.

My wife will walk it and I run it. And I'm loving it. So what I'm doing is I'm doing road work probably three times a week, and then twice a week I get on the treadmill just because I'm terrified of injury and then not being able to run. And I'm trying to run five days a week. You worried about like plantar or something? You had that for a while, didn't you?

I have plantar fasciitis, and it's terrifying. That and shin splints are my fears. Where do you get it? Do you get it in the middle of your foot? Like where are you getting that? Like if this is your foot, like, right towards the heel. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and then sometimes it'll happen inside the heel, and you'll feel it.

Like, when your heel touches the ground, it feels like glass. When you first started doing yoga, are you noticing, were you noticing, rather, that your foot was, like, unstable, and that, like, it hurts your feet to try to balance on one foot and do the poses? I did not notice that per se. I did notice that. What I noticed, the one thing that is the reason I will continue doing hot yoga, or yoga in general maybe, but probably hot yoga because I like the sweat,

is my feet are stronger. Yeah. Like a lot stronger. Like I was going to say to Bobby Kelly, I was going to text him and go, hey man, you should start going to hot yoga because he has the same problem with plantar fasciitis that I do. And go, it really has strengthened my feet. And when I run now, I have no pain in my feet.

Yeah, it makes a big difference. Is Bobby still heavy? Yeah, he's going on a diet. I was going to say to Skur, we should fat shame him and get him healthy. Yeah, I'm not that close to them. I can't fuck with them. I can fuck with you guys. People get, you got to know who you can fuck with

and who's going to take it seriously. Like, I feel like I can't fuck with Ari anymore. Like, he takes it seriously. He just needs to get, he needs over the hump of hot yoga. He needs to get high. Yeah. He needs a little weed and a hug. He might need a little weed.

We love you, Ari. Yeah, I love you, Ari. You know that. We're fucking with you. But he took it to heart, I think, like, with all the Ari's a welter shit, when people were getting mad at him and attacking him online. You know, when people find, like, a little sore spot or a little area where they can attack you, they go after you.

Yeah. They don't understand, like, how many people were going after you guys when you were doing Thomas Phat and Bert is Phat. Like, you guys were going after each other for a joke, but people were going after you guys when you were doing Thomas Fat and Bert is Fat? You guys were going after each other for a joke, but people were jumping in for serious. Oh, people say really hateful things. There's a website that some guy has. I guess he believes it's a comedy website,

but it just has really nasty things about me. And then he's like, this website's for savages. Savagery only. And I'm like, hey, man, I'm a professional comedian. I know the funniest people in the world. Those aren't really, like, great jokes. Like, they're really like, Bert's children will die alone. Like, oh, cool, man.

Thanks. Like, that was the one thing was like, I don't know. But also you got to realize that these people, a lot of these people that are throwing in their Molotov cocktails in the party, they don't cocktails in the party. They just want to get a response. They just want to hurt you so that you can respond. That's the one thing that I will say. Ari's been pretty visible on my Instagram comments. He's going right back at people.

Fuck you. I'm not a welter. Fuck you. And a part of me goes, Ari, don't even read them. I don't read the comments anymore. I learned that with the Tom and Bert is fat thing. I stopped reading comments altogether because I was like, oh, they don't. I make my kids.

I go, don't touch my comments. You guys all worked out some sort of a deal, right? Like Ari is going to pay for something. Yeah, he's already. That's the other part is like Ari had. I don't know why he bounced out of Asia. I think he wanted to go on the trip with us, but he'd already planned this trip to Asia. So he's like, I'll take care of you when we get back.

And so I think we're going to the Super Bowl in February or we're going to the NFC Championship in January. And Ari's going to pay for it. Ari's nothing but fluid money. So he's got no dependence. And we've all known that. And part of me

like, I kind of enjoyed the I kind of enjoyed the welch moniker yeah but he didn't but i didn't enjoy being called fucking did you see what tom posted when ralphie died no what do you have you seen it no can you pull up his fucking instagram by the way i didn't enjoy this yeah Yeah. Take a look. What does it say? Oh, Jesus Christ. So has had to hear about the passing of Ralphie May.

His heart was bigger than his stomach. Honestly, I've always been intrigued by comments that were kind of hilarious offstage. What is total sweetheart? Every time I saw him, big hug, Ralphie. And it's a picture of fucking me. Wow. And you're smelling something with your shirt off. I'm smelling a beer.

In your underwear. Drinking Fireball. Where are you? Jack Daniels in Philly at Preston and Steve. You're on a radio show? Yeah, on the other side. Those guys are great. Yeah, they are.

On the other side is M. Night Shyamalan. What are those shorts? They are Shyamalan bathing suit. It's a jean bathing suit. Oh, Jesus. And M. Night Shyamalan was on the show with you? He was on the show, too. What was he like?

He's really cool. Is he? Yeah, he was really cool. Really interesting. That guy knocked it out of the park once. I would argue twice. I would argue a couple times. The fucking signs with Mel Gibson.

Oh, I thought that one sucked. Swing for the fences. The new one wasn't bad. Which one? The one where plants come to kill you? No, Split. That one was rough. Oh, was that good?

Split good? It's a sequel to that Unbreakable. Oh, you know what I like, though? I'll say twice. I like that elevator one. The devil was in the elevator. I didn't see that one either. It was pretty good.

Yeah. But the first one, Sixth Sense, that was fucking great. Dude, me and a black guy sat in the lobby. Just a random black guy. A random black guy who was sitting behind me, and we both realized that he was dead at the same time and we lost our shit and then walked out to the lobby together and started I didn't know this guy. I said this is the coolest

thing about a movie. Me and this guy have nothing in common. He's got dreads, tattoos, and me and him sat in the lobby and broke down the movie. I didn't know him but we were just sharing our realizations together. I was like, wait, wait, wait. Hold on one second. Hold on. And like, both, and I was,

one of my favorite experiences after a movie is like when total strangers get together and they're like, shut up, hold on, wait, what happened? Oh, it was great. Yeah, those movies where people don't know they're dead are weird. Like Beetlejuice. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Remember they died in the river?

The car fell in the river? I don't like movies like Beetlejuice or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The new one? I can't watch anything where there's a little bit of fantasy type thing. Does that make sense? No. I could not watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I was a kid. Oh, the old one? Yeah.

I never saw the new one because I wouldn't watch it. The new one was, I think it was just called Willy Wonka, right? What was the new one called? The Johnny Depp one. When he tied it like this. The way around. It came from a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The first movie was Willy Wonka and then the remake was the one with Johnny Depp is Charlie

and the Chocolate Factory. Yeah. What don't you like about those? I don't know. Like Alice in Wonderland. Anything about, like, I don't know if it's like a bad trip type fantasy. They freak me out, man. Did you see the new Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp and he played the Mad Hatter?

I won't watch it. It's great. Oh, I won't watch it. I enjoyed the shit out of it. It's really fun. Yeah, it's fun. Did you just freak out? Yeah, like there was a Did you just freak out?

Yeah, like there was a movie that really freaked me out. I think it was called Clown about this dad who gets his kid a clown for his birthday and the clown doesn't show up. So he goes down to the basement and he finds a clown outfit and he puts it on and he's the clown for the kid. And then that night he can't get the nose off and it meshes into his body i couldn't oh dude this movie is pretty good that's a good movie fucked me i couldn't watch it i started watching it and i was like no i can't show me a trailer young jamie oh my god are you freaking out yeah this i don't like clowns but did you the Green Inferno he made about the cannibals in South America, I think?

No. It is fucking good. Yeah? It's on Netflix, I think. Fuck, where did I see it? Is it a horror movie? Yeah, yeah, for sure. People dying.

Yeah, it's gruesome. He's really good. He made that hostile movie. He's also in Glorious Bastards. Glorious Bastards. He was badass in that movie. I think he's the bear Jew. Yeah.

You know what I keep hearing is fucking amazing is the new Blade Runner movie, but it's not doing good in the box office, apparently. They had to sign non-disclosures when they went to review it, where they couldn't reveal anything about the movie. All right, give me some volume here. We'll play the trailer here. Oh, this freaks me out. You're going to miss the clown.

There's no clown coming. Who double books a clown? I thought you had a backup. Everything's going to be fine. You're gonna miss the clown. Get it off. It's suffocating. One, two. Daddy? Oh, Jack, sweetie, let's get you to bed. That's not Daddy. I can feel myself changing. Whoa. What happened to my husband?

It's not a costume. It's not a costume? It's the skin of a demon. Skin of a demon? It lured five children into its cave. Whoa. One child, forever more. A winter.

Dude. No matter what I say, don't let me out. Wow. Why don't you get the suit off? Dude. You can't. This looks amazing. The kids aren't all right. The sound is very loud.

Distorted. Whoa. Fuck that. Dude. I'm watching that tonight. Are you kidding me? He's got some really good movies that have come out over the last couple years. What is he famous for? I believe Hostel was

the first one he made. Oh, that motherfucker. I'm not watching this movie then. Clown 2? There was a part 2? He came back? There was Clown 2? Okay. Let's watch the trailer for Clown 2 there was a part 2 he came back Okay, let's watch the trailer for clown 2 Oh is it I don't know look pretty fucking violent get deep in there see what happens. Oh, ha ha ha I have the outfit on Maybe not. Same people.

Same people. This is the 2017 version. Just in time for us to binge. This is what we're going to do in the new studio, Bert. We're going to watch some fucked up movies do like fight companions for fucked up movies. Funny movies. Oh, it's not real? Oh, kill it. Son of a bitch. Fan me.

Man, I can't. Scary movies. I get legit scared. Like, I get to the point where I go, I don't know why I'm, it's like jumping out of an airplane. I go, I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know if I enjoy this. Like, I saw the, when I saw, I remember seeing The Ring in the movie theater, and I was screaming so bad that people were laughing.

Why do you get scared? I don't know. Did you see the new It movie? No. You don't go to see those? I would never. I saw the original It. I was like, Stephen King is probably pretty good.

Thriller. And this clown showed up, and I couldn't stop watching it. But the original one was on TV, wasn't it? Yeah, it was like a miniseries probably pretty good. Thriller. And this clown showed up and I couldn't stop watching it. The original one was on TV, wasn't it? Yeah, it was like a miniseries or something? Yeah. Yeah. That bothered you that much? I don't like clowns.

I'll never put on clown makeup. That'll never happen. Really? I did once. I got mauled by a bull. That was the only time I ever put clown makeup on. Oh, go to Eddie Bravo's Instagram page and check out this new bullfighting thing they're doing. What? They're doing this new bullfighting thing they're doing. What?

They're doing this new bullfighting thing where they don't actually fight the bulls. These are acrobats, and they stand in front of the bull. The bull charges them, and they flip over the fucking bull. Dude, people are taking shit to a totally next level. Watch this. Oh, shut up. Yeah. Nonviolent bullfighting. so they don't kill the bull

and like this is probably first of all it's way more interesting and i don't feel bad watching it i mean i'm gonna feel bad if this guy eventually gets a horn through his asshole which is probably gonna happen but i'm not rooting for the bull like i'm kind of rooting for the bull when I see matadors. Not even kind of. I think bullfighting is completely retarded. I think if you want to shoot a bull and kill it and eat it, I get that

but you should do it humanely and you should do it where you're you know what you're doing you shoot the bull in the head or wherever you're going to shoot it in the heart and get it over with but they stab those things

with these long spears and they poison them. They do a lot of shit. But this is, to me, way more dangerous, way more brave, way more interesting to watch. Yeah. Which addresses a major concern amongst animal rights activists. What does? They said the bulls aren't getting hurt, but I don't... This is nonviolent bullfighting.

Oh, I think we're just watching a loop. That's what it is. So it says, Ole... Well, this is the guy, dp4k.m. I follow him on Instagram. He's a radical anti-factory farming, animal rights activist guy or girl. I don't know if it's a guy or a girl, honestly. I'm just a sexist. But his page,

this person's page, her page, whatever, is just filled with animal rights stuff. It's always animal rights stuff. We went to a bullfight in, I think, in Madrid or Barcelona, me and my buddy Huito when we were 22. We didn't know what it was. We were like, yeah, we gotta go to a bullfight, right?

Man, we were, both of us were like, this is really upsetting. And we were kids. That's like when you'd be like, oh, fuck yeah. But both of us were like, oh, they killed him. Like it really is sad. Well, this guy put up the, I found out about this guy, this animal rights guy, and I followed his page because he put up a picture of a friend of my friend Adam Greentrees

in Hawaii, Australia, because in Australia they hunt feral cats. And this guy was holding up a cat, like a house cat that they shot and killed. And the reason why they do that is because feral house cats in Australia are an invasive species and they are devastating the local ecology. They destroy ground-nesting birds. They kill everything. And there's a large population of them. They actually have a bounty on feral cats in Australia.

See, they've made some terrible mistakes with conservation in Australia. And one of the mistakes they've done, like, over and over again, is introduce invasive species to the continent. See, Australia didn't, the predators in Australia are, they used to have the Tasmanian tiger, they have dingoes, and they have crocodiles, which are just the fucking monsters. They're ruthless. They have, like, serious saltwater crocodiles.

And then, of course, sharks on the outside. But then they introduced a bunch of animals to both Australia and New Zealand to hunt. They introduced fallow deer and stags and a lot of different things. Stags are not mostly in New Zealand. But, and pigs, wild pigs. These fucking things went everywhere.

They were all over the place. They also introduced a bunch of different rabbits and things along those lines. And when they did that, I don't know about rabbits. I forget what it was. But they brought in cats and foxes to deal with some of the other species. But then the cats and the foxes don't just kill the species they want them to

kill. They fucking kill all these other things that had no idea what a cat was. There was no feral cats there. And so now they have a real problem with them. They run the risk. I know this guy who's an animal rights activist. His thought is he's seeing this monster shooting someone's pet, but it's most likely not someone's pet.

It's most likely a feral cat. There's thousands of them, hundreds of thousands of them in Australia, and they're a giant issue. They hire people to kill them because they're devastating all these animals that had no idea what a cat was. So it's a much more complex issue than a lot of these animal rights activists understand. And I was thrown off because Adam Greentree, my buddy, gave me a bow hunting magazine from Australia when I was there visiting him, and I was going through it on the plane. And there's pictures of guys holding up cats that they shot.

And I was like, what in the fuck is wrong with you Australians? But when it's explained to you by someone who lives there, it's not like we hate house cats. These are not house cats. This is like going out and shooting, you know, a bobcat that's been killing all the local grouse you know like if you introduced a cat into the area that wasn't supposed to be there and it was devastating all the other animals so you have one of two options either you just let everything go extinct and don't handle it or you try to clean up the mess that your ancestors sort of started before you like nutria

yeah nutria is a good example yeah yeah it's a very good example those fucking things these giant rat things by the way i i have to i have to take two seconds talk about adam green tree he's like my my new favorite obsession he's awesome he uh you tweeted out you got to watch my buddy on this hunt when we when i was in australia and i was like all my time zones were all fucked up and i was not sleeping. And I got obsessed with that hunt he did. Started in Colorado, ended up in Montana. Yeah. I got obsessed with it and it was so much fun to watch. And then when he got off the hunt, I was like, well, fuck, I guess I'll just wait for the

next hunt. Well, explain what the thing is. He was solo. Solo backpacking. And he was covering, and by the way, I speak big, I'm probably wrong, but he was covering like 15 miles a day on foot easily easy easily and not just a flat walk up mountains because you gotta you gotta glass these things i feel like i know i'm a hunter from watching this video every day he would post it on his insta stories

and and he was looking he'd find elk i think he was hunting elk and he would find elk but it wasn't the one he wanted. And like he'd see this elk and he's like six pointer or six something. And he's like, it's a six point, but it's not the right one. No, they were young. He didn't want to shoot a young animal. He wanted to shoot an old, mature animal.

And then at one point there was a bear tracking him and I'm like... Yeah, not just tracking him, charging him. And he was getting, he was doing an Instagram story of these bears charging him and in one of the Instagram just tracking him charging him and he was getting he was doing an Instagram story of these bears charging him and in one of the Instagram pictures it's him holding up a gun and you see the bear in the background

standing on its hind legs when I posted that his likes or his followers went from the beginning when he started this quest he was at 75,000 followers by the end of this trip he had doubled to over 150

what is he at now? Adam.GreenTree. He just renewed his vows with his beautiful wife, Kim. I feel like I know the guy. You've never met him? I got to introduce you to him. He's going to be here. He's going to be here soon.

What has he got now? Yeah, 162. Is that what it says? Yeah. When we started, when he started this trip, rather, look at those pictures of grizzly bear footprints in the ground. Right next to his footprint. Fucking A. Look how big those goddamn things are. And if you're interested in these Instagram stories, right now, my friend Remy Warren just posted another crazy Instagram story about their time on a Fognac Island in Alaska where they got attacked

by a giant Kodiak bear. They got attacked by a 1,000 pound bear. One of the guys wound up riding the bear on its back. The bear charged them. Everybody scattered. One of the guys hit the bear in the face with trekking poles. One guy got knocked up into the air, wound up on the bear's back as the bear was running down the hill for like two or three steps. He was literally riding this bear's back. Who's this guy? Remy what? Remy Warren.

He's another friend of mine who's one of the, like, there's like, there's a handful of like the best bow hunters in the world. And I'm privileged to know, but Adam's most certainly one of them, so is Remy. My all-time favorite is always going to be Cameron Haynes. Cameron Haynes is starting. That's Remy. He's got some pictures and videos of the hunt that they went on in a Fognac, but they had killed an elk, and that's the elk down there, the one with one antler.

He had broken off one of his antlers fighting. And they were cutting this elk up and packing it out. And then they set it down, and they were just sitting down eating lunch. And they didn't have their guns on them. They were just unprepared. And with no warning, this 1,000-pound pound bear charged them just ran right at them into the camp just decided that he wanted that elk and it was just fucking chaos and everybody scattered and you know thank thankfully everyone was okay but they got as close to death as possible I'm

talking to Remy about it on the phone yesterday he was telling me that literally inches away from his face he was seeing gnashing teeth like inches away dude what in the fuck man what's even like i mean that's that's a great like i i can't i can't wrap my head around just by following adam i couldn't wrap my head around what he was doing the idea that he like flew to montana because he didn't like the hunt in colorado he flew to montana he drove or drove to mont Montana and then he left the car and then just went he got lost. Yeah. Well, he knows where he's going because he has

he uses GPS and he knows how to follow. There's a thing called Onyx Maps. You could, you know, you download the maps to your phone and then you can you can stretch your phone out and he was using a solar pad to charge up his phones. I followed all his gear. The girls went camping. When when I came in Sunday,

this is so silly that this is like how life works. And by the way, I think anyone who's a podcast fan will get this, is I'm following Adam. I'm watching his stories. And he's showing all this packed stuff he's got. And me and the girls are getting ready to go to REI. And I went, oh, I'm going to get some of his shit,

like some of his stuff. Because I know that he's only rocking the best stuff yeah and the girls were getting ready to go camping I'm gonna be home that next weekend by myself so I go and I start

looking at the thing and then I'm watching his stories Leanne's watching me and he's like he does some video of the sun shining and he goes look Kim

it's Cameron Haynes' smile and I get the joke and I start laughing and Leanne says who the fuck are you watching and who the fuck's Cameron Haynes and I'm like oh they're friends of mine I don't even know these dudes but I go there but you know but I follow

them and I know them so I'm giggling well you could be friends with them I just have to introduce you I'd last one night with Adam who doesn't drink doesn't do drugs no he's great I'd be in his camp going first of all we're not bringing any whiskey out of your Adam like we're gonna sit here sober and bears are gonna attack us we're sober right now i go that was one of the things that he was saying

he's like no drug no drink this is what i do well he had um his father had a real problem yeah and so he's averse to it completely i have some friends that have experienced alcoholism like abusive alcoholism from their parents and they have the same feeling they just don't want to have anything to do with it it's they see how it just wrecks people and ruins people and i'll tell you man i don't feel that way because i've enjoyed drinking and i've never really had a terrible thing happen to me because of drinking but being sober over these last 12 days or whatever the fuck it's been and being at comedy clubs every night and seeing sloppy drunks. Like I've seen three or four, like Ridge,

like the other night at the store, some fucking unbelievably drunk guy wanted to have a conversation with me from like two inches away. You know, you know that sloppy drunk close talk type thing. And I'm like, gee, who the fuck,

who does this sober? Zero people. Like this is one of the worst things about alcohol is, like, the people don't understand boundaries or how they come off or what they sound like. Yeah. There's bad things. You're a great drunk, by the way. You know, you're like one of my favorite drunks because you're so used to it.

You manage it well. You're like a black belt in being drunk. So it's like, with all the problems that you've had with your health, with drinking too much, you come off pretty easy. You're a fun guy to be around when you're drinking. You don't have a problem in that sense. Because we all know people that drink and they go dark and they get mean and they get angry. We've seen that. I never have had that.

I think that's also part of the problem is that I'm a good drunk and everyone enjoys me. And I'm a nice guy. I'm a sweet guy. And I think that's the reason even my wife's like, I don't think you have a problem. I don't think I have a problem. But the woman's with me a lot. Yeah. I mean, she wouldn't be the one to know.

But she's like, but health-wise, it's changed my health. I mean, I ran six miles in under an hour the other day. That's great. That's fast for me. That's very good. And it's, and it like, and so health wise, I feel amazing. Yeah. That's 18 miles in three hours.

Yeah. Well, I couldn't keep that pace up. But imagine if you did. Yeah. That's like, that's really fucking good, man. Nine minute and 20 miles. Nine minute and 20 miles. What's a marathon? 26? That's almost a marathon in four hours. Yeah. That's like, that's really fucking good, man. Nine minute and 20 miles. Nine minute and 20 miles. What's a marathon?

26? That's almost a marathon in four hours. Yeah. That's amazing. I'm doing a half marathon. I signed up for a half marathon. This is going to sound silly, but it's just to keep myself on the rails. Like, I don't want to lose the fitness.

I like feeling good. I like feeling strong. See, this was my question initially. It feels like you this is a sprint this is not a change in your lifestyle like I feel like

what I'm worried about is like you're just gonna like this is great I feel great I've never felt better and then woo off the rails I thought there would be

a week of that almost that you're planning but it's almost like you're planning to go off the rails like this is just like I'm gonna keep it together for a month

and then no I talk to Tom and the rails. This is just like, I'm going to keep it together for a month. No, I talk to Tom and Push about this a lot. But I don't want to stop partying. But I don't want partying to be... I think it got out of control in the sense that I'd get on stage and have a cocktail. I drank a soda one time on stage and they they lost their fucking minds because I killed it. Because they just assumed it's whiskey. Right, right, right.

I think I'd like to find a middle ground of where I can go and have a good time. I want to quit drinking on planes. That's number one. That's my thing I'm focused on this month. No booze on planes. And then I wouldn't mind like working out hard like i think i always say i work out but like legit working out is not what i've been doing yeah like when you do a 90 minute hot yoga class you realize what suffering really is 10 minutes into our first class tom tom looked

over to me and he goes well you can't do this and i'm like i'm looking at him i'm like what he goes 10 minutes he kept going 10 minutes then he go 15 minutes at at an hour he goes i'm done i'm done i can't do 30 more minutes and and and then when we go you know when you get on your back and you put your arms out and uh tom just reached over and grabs my hand and holds it tight like a lover and he's like get me the fuck out of here And it's gotten easier and like things that we couldn't do now We can do and it's we've only been to like six classes But we're getting better at it and we're enjoying it more and like everyone knows us because we're the two big fucking bears in there and so

and uh Tom got in trouble for drinking water one time did you drink water during the poses yeah you can't do that you have to wait until both poses are done yeah set one set two he got so fucking pissed he went to go drink water they're like tom not water and he was like and looked around at me like are you fucking kidding me he's he's a guy teaching a class oh yeah of course guys are the ones that tell you no water the girls are like if you'd like to drink water please do it when we're done with the pose oh the idea is that you like you're everyone's working together this is the idea that beak rooms does is that you're all working together and that if you interrupt the work to drink water you're

sending a bad message like you're not in the community, you know, because there's something about those classes. It's like, um, I've done yoga by myself. You know, I have an app on my phone and it'll time out all the poses and stuff like that. I can, I can do it, but I do a lot of working out by myself. I do a lot of lifting and running and everything I do by myself. I know how to motivate myself, but it's so much better to do it in a class. It holds you accountable. Yeah, it holds you accountable, and it's like there's no bullshit.

This is going to be, you're going to fucking hold this pose for 30 seconds, period. This is 30 seconds, you know, and you do it as much as you can, and your fucking feet are shaking. Dude, my favorite one is this one where you go down here and you have to sit here. I love that fucking pose. Why do you love that one? Because I was a catcher.

So it goes right back to my strength. So that one works. I love that fucking pose. I go deep. When she goes down, I go deep. And that and the plane one where you come up. That's a good one.

Tom and I have been talking about doing a calendar. A yoga calendar? A yoga pose calendar. 12 months, me and Tom in different poses together. You'd sell the shit out of that thing. You would sell the shit out of that thing. That's a great idea. Jamie, you would take the photography.

A couple's poses down by the beach. That's not what we're talking about, Jamie. We want to do a Bikram, hot, sweaty, maybe both of us in Speedos Oh yeah And hold our favorite poses How about those jean shorts I'd wear those in a heartbeat

The second we went in the first class we went in Tom goes he sees a guy in a Speedo And he goes how are you not wearing a Speedo He's like this is your whole thing And I was like I don't know My favorite Tommy bond story in yoga our instructor starts telling a story you know like in between poses he's telling a story in like the first 30 minutes of class about his son and him in new york and his son walking and his son

being out of breath and whatnot and then continues on with the poses. Last 30 minutes of class, we are fucking panting. We're on our stomachs, face to the left, hands down by your side. And I hear Tom, in a silent class, I hear Tom go, hey, man. Hey, what happened? And he's just talking loud as shit. It scared the fuck out of me. He goes, what happened with you and your son in New York? Because he didn't finish the story?

And the guy goes, excuse me? Tom goes, you never finished your story, man. I've been Because he didn't finish the story. And the guy goes, excuse me? Tom goes, you never finished your story, man. I've been waiting for this end of this story. And you just kept dragging on. And he keeps talking. And I am shaking next to him going, shut the fuck up, Tom. We're fucking yoga. And does the guy finish the story?

And then the guy goes, that was it. And Tom goes, oh. He just goes. Oh. That was it. And Tom goes, oh. He is so fucking funny. Did you see the video we did with the girl? Oh. Did you see the video we did with the girl, Laura Ackerman? She seemed so cool.

She was so cool. Was she the instructor? Is that what that was? No, she was just a person in class. Oh. The look on our face when we go. But she goes, you're the machine. No, she called me the person in class. Oh the look on our face when when we go the machine is you know She called me the tank

You haven't seen it. I thought she called you the no no no you're the machine No, the here play the video and watch the look on my face when I go we're doing with our friend Are you sure do you know our sphere she doesn't know no no no play the video Jamie? This is the look on my for me and Tom's face when she says she knows Ari we fucking lose our shit Hi yoga class number two down. We fucking lose our shit. High yoga class number two down. We're sitting here with Laura. Laura, how did we do?

Fucking awesome, guys. Good job. Yeah? Thank you. We shocked you when we said we were doing no alcohol, no weed this month, huh? Weed part. I can't get down with that. Oh, you got to pray for Joe. Yeah.

Oh, let's blow our heads and pray for Joe. You ready? One, two, three. Namaste, Joe. Our thoughts and prayers are with you this week in Vegas. We know you'll be using the cannabis. Yeah. Joe's also donating 100% of the proceeds from this show to the Las Vegas fund.

You guys can do it too. Shout out to Joe Rogan on that. Good job, man. Good job, Joe. And Ari. Do you know who Ari Shavir is? Yeah. You do?

Well, I don't know him, but I know him. But you know Ari Shavir? Yeah, and you're the tank. You're the tank! I'm the machine! I'm the machine! And what's he? I don't know you, you can't. This is coming to the best.

This is coming to the best. Alright, we'll see you at class next week. That's fucking hilarious that he said that to the instructor. Oh. Dude, he is so fucking... If you like his stand-up, you would love being his friend because he's so dry. Yeah, he's very dry. And the things he does in that class are... He's not trying to be funny.

He's being Tom. You're not supposed to do that in class, too. Just talking in the middle of class. Oh, God. They do tell some terrible stories, though. Because they have you held hostage. Yeah. Because you're in the middle of yoga, you know?

Ugh. I said one time, the lady goes, Bert, it's the one where you pull your foot up and then you're supposed to kick your foot out. She goes, Bert, grab the bottom of your foot. I go, I can't. I'm fat. And then she goes, there's people fatter than you in this class. I looked at Tom going, because we know who she's talking about.

He, by the way, I have to say this.. I looked at Tom going, because we know who she's talking about. He, by the way, I have to say this. I always shit on Tom's weight. He's actually looking really good. I think this hot yoga is really clicking with him. Oh, yeah. His wife was saying that. He can get much deeper into poses than I can. I have a hard time getting into deep poses. But he really has changed his life. We weigh the exact same, Joe.

Yeah, but he's probably more muscular than you. No. He's got a lot more skin. A lot more skin. Something about him just seems more fit. I don't know what it is, man. Just being real. You're down to like 219 or something crazy? What were you at the weight loss challenge?

What's the lowest you got? 220. Probably 219, 222. Isn't that crazy? You're lighter now, and you're not dehydrating yourself. I took total measurements of my body, because I'm curious to see at the end of the month. Everyone said I look like I'm deflated. You look thin.

My face looks healthier. And so I took measurements of my stomachs, my arms, my legs. And just to see like what the shift was. I was 224 the day I stopped drinking. Well, your face looks different. Like your eyes. Like you used to have the I've been drinking bags. Yeah.

You know, that a lot of people get yeah six one two twenty four chest 47 and are you talking about your dick yeah so you're doing that at the beginning and then when you get to the end you're gonna check yourself again now what are you eating you eating healthy or eating just whatever you want well I'm eating healthy for like two-thirds of the want? Well, I'm eating healthy for like two thirds of the day. I'm eating really healthy and I'm doing this, I saw this on a podcast you did with some girl about

not intermittent fasting, but fasting for 13, 12 hours. Yeah, that's called intermittent fasting. Yeah, I'm doing that. I'm doing intermittent fasting, but by the way. 14 is what I think they recommend. That's really tough. Your last meal is at 5pm. Or just eat at 10pm and then don't eat until noon. My last meal was at 8 p.m. last night.

The last thing I put in my mouth was at 8 p.m. I do 7 and 9. I have dinner at 7. And then I don't eat until 9 in the morning. And when I eat in the morning, I drink butter coffee. Before I work out, I just have coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil. That's what I've been doing. And that's your first, once you have that, that starts your thing.

Yeah, yeah. But I go 14 hours every day without eating. I've been eating a lot of- I shouldn't say every day. Five, six days a week. I try to do 12 hours every day. And then the first thing I do is I drink uh two huge things of water and then that shit immediately like as soon as i have those yeah and uh and then and then and then i'll eat i try to i

eat healthy in the morning i'll eat healthy in the afternoon after hot yoga man i fucking i i cannot say no to a candy bar like i don't know if it's my if my blood sugar's off probably yeah but i'm like i come home and i'm like, I need fucking something sweet. And then I'll eat a really healthy dinner. Yeah, that's probably exactly what it is. Your body's craving glucose. It must be. I had a score bar.

I ate it so quick yesterday. You're burning off so many calories. I mean, I don't know how many calories you burn in 90 minutes. 715, they say. That's it? 715. That sounds about right. Well, it depends on the effort.

You know like if you do it 100% like I can coast through a class or I can do everything at 100% and I've done both and the difference in the way I feel at the end is significantly different. I did one class that was

a mix up. It wasn't Bikram it was hot yoga. And it was it was a Like a little different and that we did all 26 poses But we also did flow in between them. Mmm. Yeah, that was really tough I thought that's the kind you went to I was like, I'm never going to Joe's one because it was like downward dog Cobra warrior one. Yeah warrior one warrior two. Yeah, Warrior One, Warrior Two, Pigeon. I do that on Wednesdays. Do you really?

Yeah, that's my Wednesday class. That's a hard fucking class. It's a very hard class, yeah. And then they add humidity to it. Oh, really? Yeah. How do you do that? I don't know.

They said just, I said, I walked in, I was very confident. I was with my wife's best friend. And I was like, they're like, have you ever done hot yoga? And I said, yeah, I do Bikram. And they're like, we're a little different. I was like, no, I get it. It'll be, but it's the same poses, right? It's like, no, there's some flow in between and we add humidity. So stand by the door, like make sure you're matched by the door. So they must have like a humidifier in the room or something?

I guess. And so I was by the door and it was so much hotter in there that it was like burning my eyes and mouth and they would open the door. when they opened the door I was like, thank God Well, we got a sauna that we're putting in the new studio. It's actually in already. So I can't wait to see this Oh, dude, it's the playhouse. We're gonna have the best playhouse ever. Oh so exciting. It's happening We're set it set to move on Monday. You're gonna move on Monday. Yeah Monday We got to do a podcast me you Tommy and Ari again one more time when we're back partying. Got to get Ari high first. Calm him down.

Bring him back to baseline. Bring him back to happy Ari. I will tell you, I miss, I've never had a real want of marijuana. I'll smoke it, but I've never been a guy that gets high on my own. I miss marijuana. Marijuana's a great thing, but it's also a great thing to just be alive and be yourself and take a month off of everything. I'm enjoying this.

I'm enjoying this 12 months. I have zero cravings. One thing that I miss, I wish there was non-alcoholic wine that tasted the same, because I really do enjoy wine. I like wine with a nice meal. the same because I really do enjoy wine. I like wine with a nice meal. Like, you know, I work hard and when I'm done working, I

like to go to a restaurant and have a nice meal or sit at home maybe cook for myself. Was that you? Yeah, it was mine. Detoxing. They call it the crocodile shakes. Having like a steak and some wine is one of the great

pleasures. That's the only thing I'm missing. I've only wanted booze one day this whole run, and that was at the Rams game. I wanted cold beer so bad. Oh, cold beer. On a hot day, a nice cold beer. Oh, it was a beautiful day. And I was with two buddies and their kid, and they were like,

hey, we're going to go to the Corona little bar area to get a drink i was like okay and i hung out and i was like oh i definitely want a cold beer like and a hot dog and some peanuts and then just oh and then and then that that trade-off you do with your friends hey you're gonna go up and get beers grab me grab me one and then they come back you gotta oh and but in all honesty i I got to be honest with you. I really enjoyed Being the designated driver. I've never done that so like I was like I'll drive everybody. I'm responsible It was really cool to show up and see my kids and be like that stone's over You know what I like I like a cold beer when you're fishing oh Come on right like? Like a Modelo or something? You know, like a Modelo Amber?

Nice fucking freezing cold where you reach into the cooler and the ice is falling off the bottle and you crack that fucker and... Ah. Oh. Or a Heineken. A good cold Heineken sounds... Oh, a Sam Adams sounds amazing right now. A frosty cold Sam Adams lager. Oh, my dick's getting hard.

That would taste so good. I want to be on the water, like, fishing with a cold Sam Adams. What would be the drink if you're sitting on the beach, on a beach bar in like St. Martins, and the sun's getting ready to set, and someone goes, sir, can I get you a drink? What would be your drink right then? Margarita. I'm all about margaritas, bro. It's cold.

It's got the ice. It's got the salt around the rim. Can I get a floater on top? Tequila's always meaning you're partying. If you're drinking tequila, you're partying. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait until I get to start again. I'm going to be with Ari Halloween night at 11 o'clock.

Ari's like, you start at Easter Standard Time, then at 11 o'clock New Orleans, we get to have our first drink. So I cannot fucking wait. You guys are going to be in Halloween? You're going to be in New Orleans? Halloween, we're going to be in the French Quarter. Your kids going to tweak on that? That you're not going to be with your kids on Halloween?

They were a little upset. Fuck them. Do they want orthodontics? Yeah, you want to make money or what? Yeah. You guys have a job? No? Well, Daddy has to work.

Yeah. Get over it. It's just a day, you fucks. Yeah, they were a little upset about Halloween, but we fly into New Orleans. We go out that night. Ari and I have been talking about it, but we fly into New Orleans. We go out that night. Ari and I have been talking about it, but I was like, we'll go to a nice dinner. We'll go out to the French Quarter a little later, see everyone, hang out, be sober, and then come 11 p.m. Coco.

Now, when are you going to do Halloween with your kids at all, or are you just going to write it off? I can't. How long have you gone for? do Halloween with your kids at all? I can't. Or are you just going to write it off? I can't. How long have you gone for? Come back to the...

I think Ari and I are going to a Saints-Bucks game on the 6th, and then me, Sal, Volcano, and Nate Bargatio are doing the Joy Theater the evening of the 6th. Oh, okay. So then you're home after that. I'm home on the 7th. Why don't you dress up like a clown when you get home? Fuck that. My daughter, Isla, loves dressing as a a clown and it creeps me the fuck out.

She buys different wigs on Amazon and has them sent and just throws them on and puts makeup on her face. One day you're going to wake up and she's going to be at the foot of the bed. That would freak me out the worst is someone dressed as a fucking clown in my room. Oh, dude. I don't like that shit. What is it about clowns that freak people out? Is it that you don't know who's really under that makeup?

It's like a weird thing, right? And also, the kind of choices that you have to make in your life where you wind up being a grown person, being a clown. Like, what did you fuck up? Like, what demons are you hiding? What mistakes have you made? John Wayne Gacy really fucked up being a clown. Ooh, he did. Because he was, that was like the one where you're like, oh, there's something sinister underneath there.

Maybe that's where it started. Maybe that's where it all started with people. It had to, right? Didn't that fucker kill like 30-something kids and bury them all in his backyard? Did you ever see what... They did a movie on him. Did you ever see what he would do? He would... Oh, God. What did he call himself?

He had a name for his clown. It wasn't Pennywise. Pennywisewise is from it i was about to say pennywise he would take he would take trick handcuffs and he'd go to he'd bring a guy a kid to his house and say here put these on me and then he'd put them on and then he'd go behind his back and he'd undo it he'd go ha i got out and the kid be like wait how did you do that and he'd be like here i'll show you turn around and then he'd get real handcuffs and handcuff the, and then he'd go behind his back and he'd undo it. And he'd go, ah, I got out. And the kid would be like, wait, how did you do that? And he'd be like, here, I'll show you. Turn around. And then he'd get real handcuffs and handcuff the kid and then fucking kill them.

So he wanted the element of fear and terror, not just killing the kid. He wanted to freak the kid out. He wanted to trick him. Motherfucker. See, I'm two steps ahead of that shit. I am so cautious. I got offered a threesome my last night of drinking in D.C.

What does that have to do with being a baby getting handcuffed by an evil clown? Hear me out. These two girls are like, let's go to strip club. I'm like, cool. They're dating. And we get there. And my spidey sense just shows up. And they're like, you're in an open relationship right

and i was like i was like no not at all and they're like oh well let's get your drink and part of me is like oh they're fucking roofing me like they're gonna rob me like they don't want to fuck me why would who wants to fuck me they're gonna roofie me get me to a hotel room and then fucking take my watch off take my ring take go through my wallet, take my cash out. Yeah. They didn't. Obviously, they didn't. I'm a little oversensitive about shit like that, but they got me a drink.

I'm talking back up to the bar. I go, hey, make me a new drink. And they were like, what? I go, I didn't see this one coming to me. Make me a new drink. I'll pay for both. I don't give a shit. Make me a new drink.

And then I said to the lady, I was like, hey, don't let anyone bring me a drink but you. Just you brings me a drink. She was like, okay. Dude, you're paranoid. I am very paranoid about that shit. Have you ever been roofied? Yeah. Really?

A lot. A lot. How many times have you been roofied? About four times. Really? Yeah. When? Just partying.

I was the party animal in college. And so people would just drop it in your drink for a goof? First time it happened to me, it was a bar. I think it used to be called The First. They tore down The First, but it was a place right next door to The First over on that side of campus. And it happened to me and my beer was fizzing up and I was like, that's odd. I killed it. Next thing you know, I

end up in my roommate's dog bed the next day. And I'm like, what happened? And they're like, yeah, you got fucking you got to slip something because you were out of it. You were talking to the dog and that was the first time. And then it just is how I got slipped acid one time by a guy at a party. He's like, anything you can party? And I was like, yeah, definitely. He's like, all right. And then next thing you know, he's like, Hey man, enjoy the trip. And I was like, Oh, why would you do that? So how did he give it to you? I put it in my drink and then kept drinking.

And I end up in a hotel room in the mirror. And I'm looking in my eye. And in my eye, I can see my reflection of me in my eye. And my buddy, Mike Osborne, I shouldn't say his name. Well, I'm sorry. Too late. He had drank some of my same drink. We were sharing the drink.

It was a big, like, 32-ounce cup. And I'm staring at my eye into my eye. And I'm i don't i don't feel right i really don't feel right and i look at osborne and he's mike and he's sitting in the bathtub he's like these aren't my feet and i was like i was like i was like i think we gotta slip something man he's like he's like you fucked with that one guy this is his lambda chi i said yeah and he goes yeah he was putting acid in your drink he put acid in your drink did i drink off your your drink. Did I drink off your fucking drink? And I was like, ah. But it's happened. It happened one time in Phoenix.

It was about to happen. I thought it was going to happen. This kid was really adamant about me doing a shot with him. And I said to him, I was like, yo, man, you're not roofing me, are you? The kid looked at me dead serious. He goes, hey, man, no offense. What am I doing with this body? I go, what?

And he goes, how am I getting you out of here? You see a wheelbarrow? Like, I was like, oh yeah, good call. Well, he didn't have to carry you out to roof you. He'd just roof you and leave you there. Like the guy who left you in the dog bed. That's the part of it of, you know, it terrifies me of like, you know, I don't smoke joints people give me. I don't really do coke, but people give me coke a lot.

Like, I don't do anyone's drugs that they give me. I'm like, I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to pass. Yeah, I don't smoke weed with people anymore. I had a guy in Cleveland that wanted to do... He looked like a cop, like completely looked like a cop. He was asking me where to get DMT. I was like, what? It was like a fit-looking guy with a crew cut who was like real sketchy And I was like, what? And it was like a fit looking guy with a crew cut who was like real sketchy.

I'm like, what? And he goes, yeah, man, where can I get some DMT? I go, what are you talking about? And I'm like, look at him. He's like, come on, man, you know. And I go, I don't know. Why don't you tell me what you know? I go, what are you talking about, man?

What are you, a cop? And then he looked at me and next thing you know, he's gone. It was real sketchy. And I was like, I can't be getting high with people. I don't know. You don't know people. You never know. You run into someone, and they put anything in your joint.

Who knows? It could be angel dust. And I know a guy that happened, too. He got slipped angel dust in his weed. Fuck that. Yeah. I had a comic. I've had comics.

I'm the go-to. When comics get in trouble on the road, I always get the phone call going, hey, man, I need to run something by you. I'm freaked out. Something happened to me. Has this ever happened to you? Right. And I had a comic call me when I was in D.C. He was like, hey, man, I got slipped something last night.

And I don't, like, I'm still a little sketchy. But I want to just run it by you. I know that this stuff's happened to you. And I talked to him. We talked for about an hour. And then he was like, all right, I got to a little sketchy, but I want to just run it by you. I know that this stuff's happened to you. And I talked to him, we talked for about an hour and he was getting, then he was like, all right, I gotta go to the show. I appreciate it, man. I feel like a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one that's happened to, but yeah, I mean, you're, you're, you know, people can do it if they're, you never know someone's

motivations. I mean, you could, it's nice to believe that almost everybody you meet is great. And most people, you look, you could live your life and never meet one single sick fuck who wants a roof of you. You could be really lucky. Or you could run into one the first night you decide to take drinks from people. That's happened to a lot of people, especially women. I know so many women who have been drugged. Oh.

So many. Girls I've dated, girls who are friends with people I've dated, girls who are dating friends of mine got drugged at a bar. It's so fucking common. Every girl, when she gets a drink from a bar, has to literally keep her eye on the drink. She gets it from the bartender, or if somebody gives it to her, boy, you're already taking a chance. You've already lost the chain of custody, right? Some guy grabs it from the bartender. Who knows what he did before he gives it to her, boy, you're already taking a chance. You've already lost the chain of custody, right? Some guy grabs it from the bartender. Who knows what he did before he gives it to you?

And there's a bunch of twisted fucking men out there, man. Really? There's fucked up people everywhere, but there is a lot of fucked up men. I think we've been talking about this a lot, this Bill Cosby thing, that I think that that was a part of what men did back then. Oh, it was super common. Yeah. Will, uh, uh, Hugh Hefner used to call them panty droppers.

And that this, this is like noted that he like, oh, there was nothing wrong with giving a girl a quaalude. It's a panty dropper. Some girl wrote a book and said that when she first met Hef, he offered her a quaalude. Yeah. But see, here's one thing. Do you want a quaalude? Yes, I do. And you give someone a quaalude and they see here's one thing do you want a quaalude yes i do and give

someone a quaalude and they take it and then they're fucked up it's another thing to give someone a quaalude when they don't know what they're taking that yes and i think he did that a lot and i think that was they used to call it slipping someone a mickey yeah bill cosby yeah and um that's a different animal and there's another thing giving someone something because you want to fuck them and they don't want to fuck you. Like, oh, you don't want to fuck me? Hey, you want a Quaalude? And now you're going to fuck me because now you're like...

You know, it's just something really fucked up about wanting that, you know? I kind of say out loud with all the sexual harassment, all the dirt that's going around, I go, how did I dodge? How did I dodge? Like, is it because i got married younger like but i i just never was into that well you first of all you're not a producer who's holding employment over someone's head and trying to get them to suck your dick yeah there is a big difference between having you know unsavory male behavior that would be difficult to defend because you're trying to get laid versus what you're seeing it what people are furious about rightly so is predatory behavior by a person who's in power affecting someone's employment and career right and there's i was

talking with whitney cummings about this and you know because Whitney obviously she's a female prominent actress comedian you know she's been beautiful and yeah and she knows a lot of these people and she was saying what you're not hearing is how many women sucked his dick and got a big part sucked his dick and made it into a movie yeah got like five like it was a negotiating tactic. Like he, he was just, that's how he dated. I mean, that's how he got laid. It's like straight up predatory shit. And then her friend had a really good point. She was like, what's fucked up about it is not that he did it. She goes, obviously that's fucked up. But what's also fucked up is that that was the culture. That's what those guys did before there was the internet, before

there was any accountability at all in the 70s and the 60s, that is what all those guys did. That's what they did. And a lot of those starlets, you gotta pay to play. And that's what they did. They had to fuck these guys. That's literally how it all went

down. It's crazy. I always thought that whenever I got something, like Elliot Gould and I did a pilot together, and he left his number in my dressing room. He was like, we should go to dinner one night. And I was like, ah, I'm gonna have to fuck him. Is he gay? No, I kept

dodging him. I kept dodging him. He'd call and be like, Bert, it's Elliot. I still would like to take you to a seafood dinner. And I was like, okay. So then we went to seafood dinner down in Venice. It was just dinner. It was really nice. And we talked about art. He's a nice guy.

He's a really sweet guy. Even at the end of the night, I was like, he's not going to try to kiss me or anything? Bert, I'm not really into bears. He was such a sweet guy. And then randomly I saw him like five years later, or maybe more than that, maybe eight years later, and I had Georgia and Isla and I was with Leanne and I was with my My man Leanne's dad we were walking from Baja Fresh by the Screen Actors Guild

We were walking out of Baja Fresh and Elliot saw me and he was like Burt. It's Elliot Hey Elliot and my wife's dad's like, you know Elliot Gould knows like he gave me he Elliot? And my wife's dad's like, you know, Elliot Gould? And I was like, he gave me, he, he, uh, we were in this pilot together and he was playing a blind guy and we were doing pickups. We just couldn't get the line, right? The line was that the girl came in, uh, Liz Vassie came in. She was the bride. We were at the, about to get married and she sees us all drinking. I'm the best man. And she's like, Hey, wait, can I have a beer? and then i'm supposed to go of course that's all i had to say of course but they i wasn't getting the of course right they wanted the of course to really navigate that that me and her were cool like they wanted to make sure that we were cool so i mean the whole network's there cbs is all there it's like 11 30 at night

we've shot the pilot we just need this pickup i did it like 12 times and then elliot is a blind guy behind me. And he leans into my ear and he goes, Bert, how would you say it? And I said, what do you mean? He goes, say it the way you'd say it. Then just stands back up. So she comes in. She goes, hey, can I have a beer?

I go, is a duck's ass watertight? Get over here. And everyone laughs, gets a big laugh. And then the director comes up. He gets right up to my face. He goes, hey, you're fucking me in the fucking ass right now. Do you understand me? You are fucking me in the fucking ass. You will never work again.

And he walks away. Elliot's standing by him and he goes, sorry. You will never work again? Fucking, the poor guy was losing his mind. But still, the, so that's kind of, I mean, it's not the same thing as the sexual harassment, but there's this thing of the power over you. The power to, like, literally hold your career hostage. You will never work again.

Like, that is the, that's always the big threat. I mean, how many people have you heard were blackballed, right? You always hear that. You always hear, like, Brett heard were blackballed, right? You always hear that. You always hear like, Brett Butler was blackballed. Remember? She used to be Grace Under Fire. She used to be on that show. And by the way, let's just talk about the side stories you'd hear about Brett Butler that they'd share

when you were young and you'd go into a meeting. You don't want to turn into Brett Butler. Yeah. Locking yourself up in a tree, throwing oranges at everybody. Yeah. And you're like, what? I can't talk about it. And then you're like, what? I can't talk about it. And then you're like, what the fuck kind of crazy person is Brett Butler? I met Brett Butler doing Good Morning America one time. She was the sweetest person in the world.

Well, she went through some shit, apparently. She's been pretty open about it. And she did Charlie Sheen's newer show, the newer show. And in the newer show, that was part of the premise. She was a bartender. She was kind of alluding to the fact that she had made some gigantic mistakes. And it was kind of like a play to her, like to who she actually was. But she was on that show, Grace Under Fire.

And Chuck Lorre, the same guy that did Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen, was the guy running it. And she threw a drink in his face and said something horrible and nasty. I don't know what she said. I don't want to misquote. But it was something along the lines of, you know, no wonder why your life left you if you write like this. Something along those lines. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Like, people, look, I've seen it. People lose their fucking mind when they go from being no one to like in a short amount of time being the star it's grace under fire with brett butler it's roseanne like roseanne talked about it when she was on the podcast she was saying i lost my fucking mind god i went crazy she's like and she's you know roseanne's the best by the way you ever meet her uh yeah i met her a long time ago she's fucking awesome i love that lady yeah i love her but she ago. Dude, she's fucking awesome. I love that lady. Yeah. I love her.

But she was talking about it. She's like, I went crazy. She goes, you know, all of a sudden I went from being this housewife, you know, having no money, to being the star of this giant sitcom that was like, at the time, when she was on Roseanne, what was it, like four channels? And that was a legit good show. Giant show. John Goodman's her fucking husband. That fucking show was giant.

She was the queen of the world. They're redoing that. I know. And Whitney Cummings is the executive producer. My buddy's producing it. That's amazing. Yeah. He's like, dude, it's so much fucking fun.

I'm sure. I was like, really? He's like, yeah. He talks about the writing staff is like Norm MacDonald. Yeah. Morgan Murphy. Yeah. Like just killers. I was like, really? He's like, yeah. He talks about the writing staff is like Norm MacDonald, Morgan Murphy. Yeah. Like just killers. Killers. Killers. But, you know, but Roseanne is in a

position that you and I will never be in because it's not even possible to be in that position anymore because there's so many more stars now because there's so many more venues, there's so many more channels. Like you were just talking about, we were talking about Impractical Jokokers think about those guys We're giant right now right those guys are on true TV. What the fuck is true TV?

Who's even watching that right doesn't matter they made it through a true TV right? Sebastian's a giant star from what from fucking Showtime who the hell saw that coming right the only since Gallagher Gallagher was the last guy to get giant through Showtime. And now it's Sebastian, right? Top ten comics in the country making money, Sebastian. Spobby. Bank. Yeah. But think about all the different possibilities, all the different YouTube stars, all the different

cable shows, all the different, you know, there's so many Netflix shows, so many stand-up specials. It's a different world now. It's really different. When Roseanne was a a star she was one of maybe 20 stars you know i'm saying now there's 20 000 it's a different world it is and i but i but i think the hubris is still rides with it i know i i know i'm guilty of it at times but you can get carried away and also the pressure of a show rides on your back too that's another thing to take into

consideration you have all these other people that are around you and they all have their own little thing and they're fucking with you and it erodes your own concentration and your own vision and sometimes like, hey, hey, hey, it's my fucking show. It's the Bergkreischer experience. We're going to do it my way. Everybody shut the fuck up. Give me a drink! You know, I mean that's how it all starts. I mean that's, that's

probably what happened with Charlie Sheen, you know, that's probably what happens with a lot of these people. They just get, they get whacked out. And I think also there's a, there's a thing that happens too when you do a bad show. It's a particular type of off-the-rails. When you know you're doing an unsatisfying bad show, and I think that was one of the things that was happening to Charlie Sheen when he was on Two and a bad show. It's a particular type of off the rails. When you know you're doing an unsatisfying bad show. And I think that was one of the things that was happening to Charlie Sheen when he was on Two and a Half Men. Because that was a bad show. And he was a great actor. Platoon.

Wall Street. I mean, go back and look at his catalog of films that he was in. Amazing movies. Charlie Sheen was legit. And then all of a sudden he's delivering these hacky punch lines to a canned laugh machine. Yeah. It's like, and he's just doing blow.

And he's got HIV. And he's just fucking, who knows what he's doing. How did he even get HIV? I mean, he might be the, if he got it through straight sex, he might be the only guy ever. That's what they say. Yeah. Like literally. Who else? You know? ever. That's what they say. Yeah. Like, literally. Who else?

You know? They say Magic Johnson. They say Tommy Morrison. I've heard some things. Everybody I've heard some things. I mean, I think, who knows? Who knows what people are doing? Who knows?

But it ain't a whole lot of guys. It's a tiny little handful. Sam Kinison used to have a bit about it. Really? You know, they say Sam. They say AIDS. AIDS is a communicable disease. H? You know, they say, Sam, they say AIDS. AIDS is a communicable disease. Heterosexuals die of it too.

He goes, name one. Name one fucking guy. Name one. It's not our dance. It's not our dance. It's not our fucking dance. Yeah, it was one of his bits that got him really, really criticized. But then people were like, wait a minute, is he right?

I had some people from the CDC comec come to my show in atlanta one time and we were joking around and uh i said something about what what like why like tell me about diseases tell me like i'm trying i was trying to think of a bit like trying to like pick their brains for something and the guy goes i'll tell you one joke we have i said said, what's that? And he goes, you know what we call a straight guy with AIDS? I said, what? And he goes, a liar. I went, wow. Well, he could be an intravenous drug user. Yeah.

I mean, you could. I had two uncles die from HIV, but I think it was drugs. Well, there's that. And there's also the medication they give the people. That was apparently a giant issue in the 80s and the 90s was that AZT that they were giving them. AZT apparently used to be a chemotherapy medication. And it was killing people quicker than cancer was. So they stopped giving it to cancer patients.

And there was a lot of, like, real confusion when AIDS first came about. You know, there was a lot, like, I remember there was some local story, some story in Boston about some scientist was trying to say that AIDS was a derivative of the herpes virus. Yeah. They didn't know what the fuck it was when it first burst on the scene. And by the way, dude, everybody thought they had it. You know, I'm older than you, but I got my first blood test for HIV in 1993 and I was shitting my pants. I was thinking about every one-night stand on the road, every freaky girl, like, let's do shots next thing you know,

you're raw dogging in some dirty hotel room. I'm like, oh, my God, am I going to die? You start thinking. I was so scared, so scared. And then when it came back clean, I was like, whew. And I was like, I'm only only gonna wear condoms from here on out It's a good clean Bella healthy when you got mine in 95 my first day's test. Oh Oh terrifying and I by the way, I'd only been with two chicks ever

But one of the girls had slept around with a lot of guys Gave me the clap did she yeah only doing two chicks and I got the clap. That's hilarious I'm in the doctor abs. No, I went straight to clap the doctor I've only been with two chicks and I got the clap That's hilarious Should we get crabs? No, I went straight to clap I went into the doctor, she just got back from Russia She slept with my best friend Was one of the guys, she slept with a few I get the clap, it's burning

I go into the doctor And I'm like, I'm having a burning sensation And I'm trying to get in front of this I did a hike in Switzerland And I drank out of a trough So I's probably through that and he was like uh nah did you fuck a cow he goes uh you got the clap have you been fucking around by the way now like I was 22 at the time now I realize this guy was probably just 27 you know he wasn't it wasn't a grown-up right this is the kid yeah and he goes, have you been fucking around?

I said, I just got back from Europe. I hadn't had sex with anybody. He's like, oh, your girlfriend's cheating on you. And I was like, no, I don't think so. Isn't it funny to them it's so obvious and objective? It's like, come on, man. Your girlfriend's cheating. It happens all the time.

No, no, no, no. Not Magdalene. Magdalene, she's a rose. She's beautiful. She's the light of my life. Impossible. He goes, well, let me not Magdalene. Magdalene, she's a rose. She's beautiful. She's the light of my life. I go, impossible, impossible. He goes, well, let me ask you a question. When you go to a bar, do you and your dick split up so he can cover more territory?

I was like, excuse me? He goes, when you go to a bar, when you go to Young's, do you and your dick take off in different territories to cover more surface area and then meet up at the end of the night and go, oh, this is who we fucked? I go, no. And he goes, then your girlfriend's cheating on you. She's a whore, man. Get rid of her.

She's a whore? He said she's a whore? I remember being like, I thought he was a grown up. Now I know he's just a kid. He's just a kid. But he's like, no. And he goes, then your girlfriend's cheating on you. She's a whore, man. Get rid of her. She's a whore? He said she's a whore? I remember being like, I thought he was a grown up. Now I know he's just a kid. He's just a kid. But he's like, yeah. And I was like, that's impossible. He goes, listen, man, I can give you the test.

I can give you the test if you want. Or I can just give you the medication and you can get rid of it. And I was like, oh, give me the test. I'm telling you, she's not. And then he did that. Have you ever had the test where they put the Q-tip in your dick? You've never had that? It is not rough. And then he did that tab you ever had the test where they put the q-tip in your dick You've never had that no

It is not rough one of the most painful things I've ever felt my entire fucking Jesus puts the q-tip how far down down He swabs it he swabs. Oh how deep uh halfway I guess so two inches Well, I mean halfway for me is like five nine He probably probably about an inch He goes in and swabs it and as soon as he told me goes grab on inside the table It's gonna hurt and as soon as he did it. I was like she's a whore I had a girlfriend who went away. She went to spring break and came back with rug burn on her back I had an ex-girlfriend who went away. She went to spring break and came back with rug burn on her back.

On her lower back. I was like, wow. She just came back with some cockamamie story about she was drinking and she rubbed up against a nail. She was drinking and leaning up against a fence. Like, you rubbed up against a nail all over your lower back. What are you, a bear? Just rub, rub. How drunk you'd have to be to scratch up your lower back on a nail? Like, it was the dumbest excuse ever, and I was like, okay.

Oh, that same girl, we went to New Orleans, to Mardi Gras. I was with my buddies, my buddy, my cosport. I was with all my buddies. It was the first time I ever did coke. We're all partying, having a great time. And they're like, bro, you got to make out with some chicks. I go, no, man, I got a girlfriend. I'm not going to.

And they're like, you don't have any beads. I go, I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to cheat on her. And then we run into her and she is covered in fucking beads. Oh, no. And my buddies are like, how do you think she got those? I was like, sometimes they just give them to girls. Oh, sadness.

Thank God for those. Those are good to get out of your system. Dude, get those. I'm so much more grateful for my wife because she's not that type of person. I'm glad I had those. But it's good to lower your expectations, too, because imagine if you married your high school sweetheart, you met when you were 16, you fell in love, she broke your virginity, you broke hers, and then one day when you're 35, you come home and she's getting gorilla fucked by her personal trainer who looks like Emmett Smith he's just stuffing her in the corner of a couch and just fucking hammering it you walk

in the house it smells like pussy like what it smells like pussy and assholes in here like what the fuck is going on and you hear and she's like making a noise you've never heard and you walk in the room right when he's jizzing in her face imagine the heartbreak see now like having gone you know what happened to me there's a girl that I was dating we were like kind of I don't think we were like

we weren't like boyfriend and girlfriend but we were definitely having sex and fooling around. And I think I was 17 at the time and she was 16. And I used to have a paper route where I'd get up in the morning and deliver papers. Yeah. And I would deliver papers every day, 365 days a year. So I was up at four o'clock in the morning on Sunday. Sunday was the big day.

So Saturday night, people are out drinking. They're still out. I'm getting up in the morning and I'm leaving. So it avoided a lot of nonsense in my life. As far as partying when I was younger, I barely partied when I was in high school. Really? Yeah, because I was fighting. I was fighting and I was getting up in the morning and delivering newspapers.

So those two things just knocked out all the booze. It was a few moments, like one or two times at parties, a handful of times maybe I drank and smoked a joint or something. But most of the time, squeaky clean. Just worried about being hungover and getting my ass kicked and training and stuff like that. So yeah, it was a fucked up childhood, but it worked out. But anyway, I get up at 4 o'clock in the morning and go deliver newspapers. I go outside. This girl that I was dating is making out with one of my friends in the front seat of

a car. They're both fucked up right in front of my house because the guy was my friend. He was also friends with my sister and my sister was friends with the girl. And so the two of them were a small town oh yeah newton upper falls we live in a small town just outside of massachusetts of boston and they're making out right in front of my house so i'm like i'm awake sober i'm looking at them they're probably drunk they're in the car grabbing tits and dicks and shit like that and i just slammed my hand on the hood and I went and they both looked at me like and then I got in the car and drove off oh

shut up yeah but it was good it was good I was like good okay cuz I wasn't sure like are we dating we boys boyfriend and girlfriend like I want to be your girlfriend are we gonna do this we're gonna be boyfriend girlfriend who's that kind of thing like are we dating or just fooling around? Who would definitely having sex? But it was like I just not I just stopped having this one girlfriend that I had and I didn't know if I wanted a Girlfriend anymore. It was like a lot of weird shit when you're 17, but it's good to just see that early like okay Yeah, this is good Like it's good to just be devastated like when i was 18 girl that i was dating she moved away

she moved to the other side of the state and i went to visit her and i drove all the way to visit her and when i got there she didn't want to have sex with me i was like what like she was like very manipulative like she she was a very she was it was obviously she's 17 people are weird when they're that age, right? Yeah. But she was just clearly knowing that I wanted it and just deciding not to. And just, it was, but now that's a, that was a super valuable lesson of being like a needy weirdo, you know, because when you're 18, you're so needy and just, you can be annoying. And if one person wants something too much it turns the other person off You know it's like it becomes this weird little thing that you do dude not to segue into a very creepy area

But but I like saying that saying that I've been going through this a little bit My oldest daughter is starting to grow up and she doesn't need us as much as And I mean it goes from being like this little girl that just everything dad let's go on a bike ride dad let's go let's go have a catch in the front yard to like hey george let's go on a bike ride it's like i'm busy how old now 13 yeah that's when it happens hormones man yeah and it's been it's been i think i i naturally tend to that needy guy like of going like and i said to my wife, I said, I'm not handling this properly.

Like, because I want to, I get angry. I go, I go, come on. Like, I called her the other day. I go, after the Rams game, I go, hey, we're going over to the Hayslips. And she was like, she's like 13. And she goes, ah, this is the first I'm hearing of this. And I go, what do you mean? You're my fucking kid.

I will meet you there. She goes, dad dad it's a school night it's an early night we should probably and i go no no no no no like she just wants her distance she wants to be home right like reading a book or well she wants her own personal sovereignty she wants to be able to control her own life right yeah but i was like there's got to be a dad's book out there of like how you deal with your child not wanting to be around you. Like she asked me to, I used to do this thing where I drop them off and then I just yell,

I love you until they couldn't hear me anymore. Like until they were far away. Like I just go, I love you. And he's like, I love you. I love you. And like other kids would be staring at him. She said to me the other day,

she goes, Hey, why do you do that? I was like, I don't know. I don't know. You don't like it. She goes,

I there's kids that don't know me that don't know that it's a joke. And like, it'd be better if you didn't do that. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. You don't like it? She goes, there's kids that don't know me that don't know that it's a joke. It would be better if you didn't do that. And I was like, okay. I've been doing this since she was a little girl. And I was just like, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can see how that was creepy. And I was like, fuck, man.

I don't like. You can't do that when they're 30. I love you! Like, dad, dad, my kids are going to wake up. Yeah. Like dad, dad, my kids are going to wake up. Yeah. Your dad loves you. But there is this needy dude in me that I do feel like it's,

it's part of a breakup. You know, when you go on a breakup and you love someone, they, they're like, I just need my space. Oh yeah. And you'd be like,

but hold on. Wait, does this mean we don't go to the movies anymore or something? And you'd start panicking. Oh yeah. I started having that with my daughter and I said to my wife, I go, just so you know, I'm not processing her independence well. Like, I just, part of me wants her to need me. Of course.

Of course. And she doesn't know that she needs me. She wants, and totally healthy for her to establish herself as her own person and do her own stuff. But man, all I can see is it's just going to get harder. Well, there's one thing to take into consideration that you really can't fix, and that's you're on the road a lot. Yeah. You know, when kids are not around you all the time,

and then when you're there, you're really overbearing. It's like, hey, I'm used to my own space, and now you're fucking with me, and you're yelling I love you at school, and stop. Yeah. Stop. You're ruining my thing. I'm working on my thing, and you're stepping in and fucking it up. Yeah. And it's like, you know, I don't like, you don't think about, I don't think about the

product I put out. I don't think that there's videos of me and Speedos or, you know, I don't think of that stuff, but I'm sure that there's kids in our school that have Googled me and said something or like, I can't imagine what kind of footprint I leave behind that she's got to sweep up and go. And I never thought about that shit before. But now I'm starting to realize it. And I'm like, oh. Like I said at the end of the day, Georgia goes, I want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 5, the last one.

The six, whatever. And I was like, I don't want to watch that. And we start fighting about it. And I just want us to be together as a family. Stone sober, obviously. And I have a, I don't want to watch that. And we start fighting about it. And I just want us to be together as a family. Stone sober, obviously. And I have a moment of fucking honesty. I go, hey, I feel like I fucked things up because I was on the road for seven years. Okay?

I feel like I should have never done Travel Channel. I will always feel that way. I will always feel that regret. But these are the moments that I need in my life where we can all be a family. And if you guys don't want to have it because I was gone for so long, I get it. I get it. But understand that if someone can just give an inch so that we can just hang out and watch this movie,

it would mean a lot to me. Okay? I'm going to the store. I'm going to get fish. I'll be back. And Georgia just pops up and she goes, I'll go to the store with you. And I was like,

I was like, oh, and then Isla's like, well, now I want to go to the store. So we go to the store together. That's a good way to handle it though. That's an honor.

I mean, look, you can't fix the past, right? I can't, man. But you can acknowledge that maybe it wasn't ideal. And that's a great thing, man, to have that kind of honesty because that's a great lesson to your kid. That, you know, like if you have made mistakes, don't pretend you haven't. Don't gloss over it.

Just talk about it. Like talk about your feelings honestly. I mean, I think a lot of us were frustrated by the way we were raised in that regard. Do your parents never, I mean, I don't know anybody ever saying they did anything wrong ever ever yeah you know it was always i never my dad never once said i'm sorry oh they didn't say that then nobody said that back then you kids shut the fuck up and go outside yeah you know that's what you you heard like nobody taught you anything you just you know it's just like what you did parents went to to school, or parents went to work, rather, and you went to school, and then when you got home from school,

there was nobody there. You had a key. You let yourself in the house, and you fucking figured it out, stupid. Yeah. I mean, there's none of that today. You learned how to make one meal and that's what you ate all the time, because that's what you made yourself. Mine was a frog in a hole, where you put the hole in the bread and put an egg

in the middle of the bread bread and then you flip it. You ever had that? No. You ever had that, Jamie? I don't call it that, though. What do you call it? Eye of something or other. Yeah, it's really great.

It's the only thing I knew how to make. You take a cup and you cut the center out of bread and then you crack an egg and you do an egg inside that center and you let it grill and then you flip it over. That was the only thing I knew how to make. I must've eaten hundreds of those. Huh? Yeah. We used to have to cook like one night a week. We'd have to cook.

Really? For the whole family. Yeah. When I was in high school. Yeah. That's where I learned how to cook. Can I tell you, and I don't know if there's, if they're sponsored your podcast, but can I tell you one of the things that keeps my family together is fucking Blue Apron.

I swear to God. Yeah yeah they're a sponsor the fact that the fact that they come in and my kids will eat something different and we cook a meal for four and my daughters will be like what is it tonight what's the blue apron right and we have dinner at least twice a week we get two meals from them a week at least twice a week we do a blue apron well the good thing about it is how easy it is and there's no waste because everything is pre-portioned and yeah the step-by-step photographic instructions makes it super easy it's a great great service it really is they started selling wine they started sending wine out yeah this month fucking this month that's just this month they started saying for me they just started sending me wine

wine's nice isn't it i really do like wine like wine. I like it. I did six months sober when I first started dating Leanne. Yeah, you told me that. You just wanted to be sober? Wanted to be sober, and the first night I drank was in Venice. Venice, Italy? Venice, Italy. Ah. We're there.

Tiny restaurant? Tiny restaurant. We're walking to the restaurant. It starts snowing. Ooh. In Venice, it snows? Two days after New Year the restaurant. It starts snowing. Ooh. Is it like two days after, uh, after New Year's Eve starts snowing.

And I'm like, Oh, this is fucking great. So we go to dinner and now it's dumping. You see it out the window. It's dumping. And Leanne's like, let's just get lost tonight.

And I'm like, Oh yeah. And I go, I need, I want to drink. I want a cocktail. I want a glass of wine. I want to enjoy this.

And I said to her, I go, I really want a glass of wine. She goes, have one. Who gives a fuck? Have one cocktail. I want a glass of wine. I want to enjoy this. And I said to her, I go, I really want a glass of wine. She goes, have one. Who gives a fuck? Have one. So I have a glass of wine, have a cup of glass of wine. We go out and we get lost in the streets of Venice and we're just hopping in bar to bar

having a glass of wine and then walking around. One of the best nights of my fucking life. And I was like, thank you, alcohol. Well, isn't it different though in Italy? Like Italy is really nice in that regard. Like there's, there's just a more relaxed atmosphere, like at restaurants, places that you go, it's like a different feel, you know, there's, we, we are making a mistake with the way we live our lives. You know, I think that the pressure to succeed, the hustle and bustle that people have is not counterbalanced in this country by relaxation and enjoyment

and family time and a nice long meal and appreciating the rest. We don't appreciate the rest. We appreciate a person who sleeps three hours a night and fucking is just hustling all day long, constantly hustling, hustling. There's something to hard work and hustle, but man, I think it should be counterbalanced. And I always feel that when I go to Italy. I mean, we've gone to Italy, my family, two summers in a row. And every time we go there, it's just delicious food and relaxation.

And you're at the beach and sitting at the water and just having a couple of drinks and kicking back. And it's like my whole being just, it feels like all the bullshit just goes away. I don't pay attention to the fucking news. I don't pay attention to shit. I tell my manager, my agent, you can't get a hold of me. I'm gone. I'm gone for seven, eight days, whatever it is. Just leave me alone, whatever it is. Put the fire out.

And I'm just going to be eating pasta and just go to these churches, check out these beautiful places. I mean, I went to the Coliseum one year. The next year we went to some beautiful church in Ravello and you just see all these amazing places where you're just seeing places that are a thousand plus years old and food that's just fucking incredible you're eating sardines that are fresh right out of the water and pasta with squid and oh and the wine and it's just and you're just not thinking about anything but just laughing and relaxing and i think that's

look i'm as go go go as anybody but i'm learning as I get older that you got to also have you got to balance that out And you can't like you can't like have that other shit on reserve while you're while you're relaxing You can't like be checking your phone and checking your Twitter and checking your email constantly You've got to slide that bitch aside. You got to leave it in the room in the safe You got to do something you got it. You got to just not pay attention You got to just somehow or another figure out a way to let go. And it's taken me a while to learn how to do that, man. I was always like, if you're not moving forward, you're falling behind. You know, that's, that's always been my thought process. I have this fucked up, um, like

aggressive, competitive thought process, do more than the next guy. That's how you get ahead. But that's not always the case especially in our business Which is so dependent upon creativity and the mind and I think your mind like you want to you want your mind to be in a good place, you know, I think like if you're in My mind is always in a bit the best place when I have good relationships with my friends and my family That's when my mind's in the best place That's the most important shit to cultivate that is the most important thing. But a lot of times we think the most important thing

is like financial success. The most important thing is this or that. These things, get that in order. You know, oh, we're gonna get a new house or we're gonna get a new thing or this and that. That's all bullshit. Like those things aren't bad to have or to, as a goal, but clearly your base has gotta be, I be, I hate to sound corny, but it's got to be things, matters of the heart.

It's got to be friends and loved ones and family. It's got to be your children and your wife and your mom and the people that you care about. Like, yeah, those people. Like, have good times with those people. Like, happiness. Like, you have to have that if you do not have that all that other stuff is bullshit if you don't have friends that love you and you love them and you like legitimately happy to see them and you have laughs together and fun together then all the money in the world won't mean anything just it

will be zero you will have a zero happiness register you know you will register zero pleasure from any financial success if you know you and your best friends hate each other you know what i mean it's just you can't have that that's not that's not what like you know and a lot of selfish people lose track of that. They don't understand how important the tribe is, how important community is. I didn't. I didn't at all. I didn't understand that at all. Up until this month.

This month? Yeah. Man, I have been at a full fucking pace, at a full clip this entire year. Starting from when we did that weight loss challenge to when you guys that that australian tour i've been at a full fucking pace and i and i had this i had a couple realizations one of them was if i don't talk to joey diaz in like a month then i'm working too hard like because joey's someone yeah and i and and joey's joe i think christina you know christina said the same thing to me when i did their podcast.

She's like, you're working too much. I'm working every fucking week. I feel like I'm very blessed to be in this situation that people want to see me do comedy. So I'm like, fuck, I'm in there every fucking week. And Joey was like, dog, I do two weeks a month. That's it. If I can't spend time with my family and do my fucking podcast, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck?

You know, and he just fucking lights up. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'm working too hard. I'm working way too hard. Yeah, that's my schedule. My schedule is two weeks a month. I've been saying that forever. That's all I want to do.

Two weekends a month. You know, people say, oh, you're going on tour. When do you leave? I'm like, when do I leave? I leave Thursday. I'm back on Monday. Like, what are you talking about? I don't go for very long.

I usually leave Friday morning and I'm back on Sunday. Like, I'm not, this is not, I'm not touring. Like, I'm not going to go somewhere for very long. I usually leave Friday morning, and I'm back on Sunday like I'm not this is not I'm not touring yeah, I'm not gonna go somewhere for 30 days fuck that I can't do that Oh, I'm doing that. I am doing that coming up, but are you I'm gonna do I'm doing two tours this year One's like a legit what the first ones I think starting in June It's the call and sick to work tour, and I think I'm gonna do it two other comics We got a tour bus and we we're going to do some venues. Did you organize it already?

I'm on the process. We're in the process. Why, if you've already decided that two weeks a month is better? Because I don't do what you guys do. So you and Tom tour very differently than I do, because you guys are doing theaters, so you can add shows, and it's a big deal And you're getting a lot more

Bang for your buck I think When you do a theater I'm still doing clubs I think the money's probably You know the money's different You're getting a higher percentage But you gotta be there Fucking Wednesday night

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday Fly home Monday And those just add up into like fucking You don't have to do that You don't have to do that I never did that Sunday, fly home Monday, and those just add up into like fucking... You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. I never did that. I stopped doing Wednesdays in like the 90s.

No, Wednesday, I fly on Wednesday to do press on Thursday. Yeah, I stopped doing that too. But I feel grateful for those places that had me in when I wasn't selling tickets. I know what you're saying. DC, I sold out a month ahead of time, but I go, fucking Elliot's my buddy. He's been supporting me my whole career. I will be there for Thursday morning press with him. That's very nice of you.

That's very nice of you, but it's bad for your health. Very bad for your health. Why don't you call in? Call in when you're on the road. But what I'd like to do is like, I would like to do, go ahead and get with some of my friends, get on a tour bus, and not kill myself with the travel and do you know like straight out 14 dates 10 dates do the tour make some money and then go and be at the store and write right and because that's what you guys do and i i never do the straight tours yeah but the straight tours i just don't

think they're healthy i don't like them they wear you out you're always tired you wake up in the morning like fuck you gotta get to the gym get to the gym get something to eat how many more hours for the show two hours i'm gonna try to to take a nap and you always wind up being worn out and That's the thing that I don't feel happy Like I feel happy when I'm home more, you know like It just I don't like I can't go 30 days I can't do 30 days the most I can do is I only this is because the Travel Channel But I can do two weeks.

I can do two weeks, and at the end of two weeks, I'm like, get me the fuck home. A few years ago, I switched to just Fridays and Saturdays. It was actually quite a while ago. Maybe going on eight or nine years ago. But it was one of the best things I ever did. Because I don't like, I would think about doing Thursday and Sunday, know, you just feel like it's just taking up too much time. I would rather do Friday and Saturday on the road and then come back home. And if I want to do a set Sunday, I'll do a fucking set at the store or the improv or something like that.

Just drive into town, have a good time, get home. I just think there's a balance that you have to have. Like we've all seen those guys that are older and really burnt out you know and they just don't have any energy left for it anymore and they feel like it's a burden yeah instead of a pleasure like when i go on the road now it's a pleasure you know like i'm taking most of this month off i did um the sixth at the Mirage in Vegas. I'm doing all the rest of the shows I do in Hollywood. I'm doing a shitload of shows. I did

two last night. I did Largo, and then I did The Store. The night before, I did The Improv, then I did two sets at The Store, so I'm doing a lot of comedy. But I'm home, and I'm doing this. Being home's been really enjoyable. I go to Chicago in a week, and I'm excited because I'm going to be flying sober. I'm excited for that. I go to Chicago in a week, and I'm excited because I'm going to be flying sober.

I'm excited for that. I'm excited to do a week sober and do some hot yoga in Chicago. Oh, nice. I'm excited for Chicago, but then I go in November. It starts up hard again, and I'm like, I can't cancel because I've already committed to these days. I canceled Austin, and everyone lost their shit. How'd you cancel it? Why'd you cancel it?

Because we were doing this month and it didn't show up in my calendar. And then it did one day. I was like, uh-uh. No, I can't. You canceled it because of the sober month? I canceled it because I was coming off of Australia, D.C. And then I would have gotten six days off and then gone right back on the road. And I'm like, no, man, this is about getting healthy and getting my mind back about me.

And so, by the way, if you need to refund your money, just call the box office at Austin. They'll refund your money. Damn, dude. That's serious. That's a serious choice, right? Yeah. I mean, I talk to Tom almost every day, and I talk to him a lot about this business. And, like, I'm at the place where they're adding, you know, two Sunday shows,

an extra Friday show, an extra Saturday show, another Thursday show. Why don't you do theaters? If you're doing all that, if you have all those shows. I'm doing two theater tours next year. Next year? Yeah. I didn't like the money offer. Oh, I see.

The money offer for me. Do you have a good manager? Yeah. We'll talk later. Yeah. I just left a meeting with her. Yeah, she's great. Allegedly.

But the problem, I didn't like the theater tour offers this year. I mean, I'll be very candid. The money was just shit. Right. And I was like, well, this is the one year I can make money. I can make X amount of dollars at a club by getting 90% of the door and sell $30. You can get some real money. Yeah. Or I can do theaters and it's about prestige for me.

It would be about, oh, I do theaters as opposed to- That never meant jack shit to me. But it does for some comics. I think it's stupid. I think it's ridiculous. I literally had an agent tell me now that you're doing theater So you can't go back to clubs is like years ago when I first started fucking ridiculous Mike What are you talking about stupid? I have to do clubs

Yeah, Mike I do the laughing skull in Atlanta by the way Ian Edwards there this weekend go see Ian Edwards one of the best Comics live fuck. Yeah, I think skull. It's only like 90 seats. That's less than that. I think it's 88 Is it yeah, I know that because I stopped doing it because I couldn't make my money. I did that two years ago, or maybe a year and a half ago. I do everything. I do little places. I do the comedy works in Denver still. Oh.

Yeah. I do those. I think you got to do those. I think you got to do the little spots, man. Utah. I do the ice house constantly. I did Wise Guys in Utah. Yeah, I know you did that.

I remember that. I remember- Do it all the time. I was there when they put those tickets on sale and I think Keith came in he's like uh sold out already I was like what he's like your buddy Joe Rogan just sold out already already just walked away I was like wow I think it's like working out I think you have to have weightlifting but you also have to have yoga you have to have running but you also should do

something else like I think you got to have a balanced approach to stand up. And one of the things is like intimate rooms, like being right in front of people, you know, and then also not sometimes being in a big ass place. Like I'm doing the Belco Theater in Denver. That's like 6,000 people. That's the kind of place that you, you know, you have the big show. It's like you're, it's not intimate, but you, your, your act gets honed in all these other places to this razor sharp edge. And then you go to that place, you just fucking send it home.

Boom! And the roars of like 6,000 people. It's crazy. It's nice to go into a big theater and go, like I'm doing the Wilbur, I think in January or something. Love that place. I think I'm doing the Wilbur I think in January or something. I love that place. I think I'm doing two shows. And I think what I love about that is you go in and for me I can do

the hour I'm working on, the hour I have all the hour that's new. And then when they yell the machine I go, it's a theater. It's called an encore. Of course I'll do it. Thank you for coming to my show. Oh, what about Flying Dildos? Alright guys, there's nothing after me. You want Flying Dildos? Here we go. I always say, hey listen, if you have

babysitters and you need to go home, please leave. You're not going to offend me. I did my show, but these are for people, the hardcore fans. Right. You've got to have a point in time where you've got to stop doing that story though. Why? Because they can see it online. Do you think that at a certain point

in time, Bill Cosby should have stopped doing that Noah's Ark joke? I never saw it, really. Okay. I'll put it backwards. How about Ron White? Okay. Ron White never did.

Tater Salad? Yeah, he doesn't do it. Yeah. Can I tell you something? What? I really want to see him do it. Go watch it online. No, but I want to see Ron White tell it.

I want to see Ron White's new shit. I do, too. But if you said, Ron White's going to do an hour of new material, and by the way, at the end as an encore, he does tater salad. I'd be like, Oh sweet. Somebody yelled out one of my shows recently, Bruce. And I'm like, I can't do it anymore, man. I don't even know how to do that bit. I literally don't know how to do that bit. I'd have to think about it. I have to go over it when I'm done. I'm done. I have to put that shit aside and move on. But I think that story, that story for me, and by the way, I would love to not do the story. I would love, like.

Then stop doing it. No, hold on, though. Ooh. That story for me is such a defining, like, it's the way a lot of people found me. And for a lot of people, it's my nickname. It's everything about me. It's when I go on stage, it's the first thing they're all yelling is they're all yelling the machine.

Yeah, but they just love you, dude. That's a great story. But if you have other great stories, they'll love those too. I do an hour plus of new material every show. But man. You just love doing that. I do not. Okay, then don't do it.

I don't know. That's why I'm looking forward to this theater tour. The Wilbur is great. I'm doing my Netflix special there. Are you serious? Yeah. I'm going to do it there in April. Holla.

First time I did the Wilbur. Coming in, baby. First time I did the Wilbur was a year ago. It was right after the weight loss challenge. Numbers were super slow. Did the weight loss challenge. Sold out the next day. Isn't that crazy?

So I go to the Wilbur and I'm like, is fucking amazing it's a big fucking room i'd never performed in a room that big by myself like sold it myself right so i was like i want to see what it looks like from the top like i want to see like what that so i go up climb up the top of the stairs get at the top i go stick my head out and i forget i'm the person everyone came to see like i like and i cause a fucking nightmare of everyone like holy shit it's you what the fuck are you doing up here and then everyone leaves their seats and i'm like while you're at the show i was at the show the fucking opening acts on stage i just had never done that like i'd always been the guy that was the feature act so i could go in and in the back

and go oh this is beautiful i'd never been the guy right and i fucking caused a shit show on the third floor yeah you can't do that yeah i didn't know that yeah there's 900 people there man yeah you can't do that that's a great club too because it's uh three 300 seat comedy clubs essentially yeah it's three levels and it's like three 300 seat levels so it's like intimate comedy clubs but there's three of them and they're just stacked on top of each other so you just get roars but they're also right there it's not it's like intimate comedy clubs, but there's three of them, and they're just stacked on top of each other. So you just get roars, but they're also right there. It's like one of the most intimate 900-seat venues you'll ever work at. It was one of the best shows of my entire life.

Where I just was like, this is... That's it right there. Bam, son. Fucking love that place. The Wilba. I walked in right to that... The Wilba Theater. That door on the left.

I walked right in that door and walked up like a fucking idiot. There's a bar right up in between those two doors. Yeah. And I just... I was doing that place in the late 80s. Really? Yeah. The Wilbur Theater has two rooms.

It has this room and it has another room that's downstairs. And that room used to be called Duck Soup, which is named after the Marx Brothers movie. It's a hilarious movie. I have never seen it. It's fucking hilarious. I need to see it. It's all, it's all, it's a type of comedy.

I don't know what it's called, but it's like. Slapstick? No, it's not even slapstick. It's like, hey, how about a cigar? And the guy's like, I don't have one. He's like, no, go grab me one down the street, huh? It's like that kind of, I fucking thought the movie was funny as shit. Like a period style comedy.

You get a sense of the way that people thought. Yeah, it's like kitschy almost, like misleading words. Almost like airplane, like, we gotta get this woman to a hospital. Hospital? What is it? Oh, it's a building

with a lot of windows, but that's not important right now. Right, right, right. Like, it's like that kind of comedy. Yeah, like Gabin and Costello. Who's on first?

What's on second? Gabin and Costello. Yeah. Anyway, Duck Soup was an experiment that the owners of the Comedy Connection did.

This was back when they really thought that comedy, like, clean comedy did. This was back when they really thought that comedy, like clean comedy was the future. And they, so they decided to create an upscale comedy club, a very upscale comedy club and serve like really good food and have like super squeaky clean acts perform there only.

It was a disaster. It didn't last. Cause it was like, everybody's like, what the fuck? Like guys like Steve Sweeney and guys like Lenny Clark, who like, you know, they had a lot of dirty jokes. They couldn't do the dirty jokes there.

Like they were trying to like somehow or another, like pure, it, it was a disaster. It was one of the owners of the comedy club had this fucking wacky idea in his head that clean comedy was the future. Really classy, clean comedy. He wanted just squeaky clean comedy. I mean, squeaky clean. No sex jokes. No nothing. It was death.

So they bought this. They set this place up. They spent a shitload of money on construction. They put this thing together. And it was gone within a year. Really? Yeah. And then it became an improv.

And then Bud Friedman took it over as an improv. And I think they were in business with him for a while. I think Bill Blumenreich might have had something to do with it. And then it went under. And then the Comedy Connection opened in Faneuil Hall. So they had a Comedy Connection down the street. That was a great club. At one point in time, dude, they had the Comedy Connection on Warrington Street, which was

like 150 seats. And then they had Nick's Comedy Stop, which is down the street, which is maybe 300 seats. And then they had Nick's Comedy Stop, which is down the street, which is maybe 300 seats. And then they had Nick's Comedy Stop at one point had three rooms. They had the upstairs room. They had a downstairs smaller room. And then they had this disco that's now a gay bar that's at the bottom. And that was something they took over. So they had three shows going consecutively.

So they'd have like Steve Sweeney would go on there. And then he would go down to the small room. And then he would go down to the small room and then he'd go over to the big room and he would do three shows like that. So he would do six sets or nine sets. Wow. Probably six, probably two shows. But six sets of two shows.

You know, two like an eight and a ten, but an eight and a ten in all the rooms. Yeah. Oh wow. So he would do six sets a night and then some of the guys would go over to the connection do a set go over to nicks and do a set and then duck soup opened and so like duck soup was the greedy that was they got greedy yeah and that went under and when that went under bill blumenright who was the genius behind he still owns the world right yeah he's he's a financial wizard he was like what the fuck are you guys

doing because listen let me buy you out and fucking get out of here. Let me take care of this. And so Bill took over the comedy connection at Faneuil Hall and that became like a big success. And then they goes, you know, he just decided, listen, I could fill this fucking place up. This is like 400 seats.

Why don't I just buy the Wilbur? So he bought the Wilbur and now that's like 900 seats. So that's the comedy connection now, and he just brings in big acts. But the problem is that Boston lost its local thing. They lost the local scene. A lot of the older big-time headliners, they got older and older, and people sort of forgot.

And then the open mic night scene, once Patrice left and once Burr left, the guys coming up, there's not as strong. I think there's now Laugh Boston has got a good scene. Last time I was there, they were pretty excited about the scene. They were saying there's a lot of up-and-coming guys coming, and gals, excuse me, and binary, non-binary people. And they've developed a good group of local people that are really doing the right thing, trying to really get good at comedy.

But shit, there was Stitches. There was Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. There was Play It Again Sam's had a show. It was fucking crazy. For a small town, I mean, Boston's not small, but it's not a huge city like Chicago or New York. Yeah, and for this relatively small city you had a fuckload of comedy and Really good comedy. That's what I love about the store is that you could hit three Stages in one night. I do it all the time the trifecta. Yeah, I've done I've done that like three or four times this year

Yeah, I mean I'm due to their regularly. I love Jeremiah's new stanton new material show. Yeah, I've done that like three or four times this year. Yeah, I do two there regularly. I love Jeremiah's new material show. Yeah, that's great. That's where I wrote that joke, the Helen Keller and Frank joke. Oh, yeah? Remember? Some guy just said it on stage. I used to think they were the same person.

And I got on stage and in the back of your head, that better be a fucking pit. And I was like, nah, I'm just an idiot. And then I opened up Flying Dildos with that, and I was like, that's still yeah I love that show yeah it's a fun way an exercise I just did it Tuesday by the way and I just started getting the vibe like it took me a long time to understand the OR like the OR for me was a little bit of an uphill battle the main room's always been it's like it's always a great just a great

perform but like I think I was looking at the OR as like, as like more of like less of a club and more of like a workshop. And I was like, no, no, no, no. You just, this is where you have to be able to sling guns. You've got to be able to change subjects, move in the jet, like to really read a crowd and take their energy and move with it. Like, you know, this sounds silly that I say this this, but in a Rich Voss kind of way. He's someone that could navigate the OR seamlessly because he can read an audience and take the

energy and push it. Well, it's a very intimate room, too. A lot of those guys from New York, they're used to being on top of people because New York clubs are very small, which is really weird, right, because New York is so big. But the space is small. You have a lot of small spaces. You ever do the stand or Stand Up New York? Stand Up New York is so big, but the space is small. You have a lot of small spaces. You ever do the stand or stand-up New York? Stand-up New York is a perfect example.

You could barely move on stage. Or Caroline's. Caroline's is like a fucking plank. It's a table. It's this table. Yeah. This table's bigger than the stage at Caroline's. And when you're there, you're on top of the people,

and they're sitting right in front of you. It's odd. And you get used to like, where are you from, sir? Like, that's why a lot of New York comics talk to the crowd. And,

and they also do like fairly short chunks, right? The bits are smaller. And that's also because their sets are like seven minutes long. Yeah. You know, like I remember coming out here with Bobby Kelly when Bobby, it was with Bobby Kelly.

The first night I did a spot out here and I got on stage and I was like, I remember in my head going, where are the Puerto Ricans? I was like, wait, first night I did a spot out here and I got on stage and I was like I remember in my head going where are the Puerto Ricans I was like wait what am I gonna talk about and I remember Bobby getting up and going both of us were sitting in the back he's like I don't like this fucking clever shit he's fucking joke clever shit be fucking funny and both of us were like yeah how come they can't be funny like yeah both of us were like used to I used to make the analogy working out doing stand-up in New York was like working out in the prison yard. You had a broomstick and cinder blocks and you just wanted to get big enough so you couldn't

get raped in the shower. And then working out in LA was like almost like being in a gold gym. You were sculpted, you looked good, but you couldn't defend yourself in a real room. And so like I looked at it that way and then I was like, oh, if you do the road, you can do a little bit of both. And you can really have fun.

I think the road is where I really learned how to do stand-up. Like doing an hour, that was where I was like, oh, you need to be able to. Well, you also have to do an hour that translates in Kansas City. You could do it in Florida. Make strangers laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Louis C.K. said that. He goes, someone said, why don't you do UCB?

He goes, oh, because they're already going laugh anyway i want the art form is making strangers laugh yeah and you're like yeah you gotta make people that well that's why a lot of people do like to do drop-ins yeah they don't want people coming to see them they like to do a set where people don't have any idea that they're going to be there there's a thought there's definitely there's a thought process to that i did did Largo last night, which is weird. What was that like? They laugh at your setups. It's like the setups, they're fucking dying laughing at the setups. It's so odd.

It's so polite. It's a beautiful space, though. The room's amazing. It's a great setup. Yeah, I mean, it was weird. I did Nerdist Meltdown one time, and I just told a story, like just a story that I was working on

and it murdered so hard and I was like this is a really legit comedy club fan. They love comedy. Yeah. Any little nuance to a joke they're like

they appreciate it. They're like man that was well played. I saw that movie in high school. The alt rooms though the problem with those rooms is that if you just work those rooms and then you try to

do a set in the OR you're fucksville like if you try to go on after Joey Diaz in the OR and all you do is alt rooms and by the way Adam that sick fuck he will throw you on after Joey Diaz if he thinks you do a lot of all rooms you know like I don't want to mention any names but I've seen people just incinerate up there you know cuz you're used to this like really polite set up punchline sort of crowd the Comedy Store You get a lot of this you got a people that are like come on This is the best club in the world huh come on come on. You know you see people that are drunk you get surprising number of hecklers that the the back hallway is always fucking talkative like you have to that's a terrible design like they've been trying to figure out a workaround maybe you could figure

it out i don't know what the fuck to do but that back hallway always has people and they're talking and then even if they're not talking to people off to the side of the parking lot that leaks to the back of the room like you'll see people that are in the back of the the store in the or you see them turning around all the time like what the fuck it's so loud back there i was on stage one time and and clearly uh i'm on stage and i go clearly someone very famous just walked into the hallway yeah because i could hear everyone like oh hey what's up yeah and then i was loud and immediately i i just go i'm whoever i'm planning on bringing up next is not going up. And I get the light and I look over and I go, who's next? I'm dying to know.

And they go, it's Louie. I went, okay, that's what I thought. Yeah, you can tell. It's just a bad setup in that regard. The OR is a bad setup in the sense of that hallway. But it's a great setup in the sense of the size of the space and the intimacy of it. The main room's perfect. Main room's perfect. Perfect. Perfect. I love that you got the great hangout in the sense of the size of the space and the intimacy of it. Yeah. The main room's perfect. Main room's perfect.

Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. I love that you got the great hangout in the back. Oh, it's the best hangout. You can't hear shit. Yeah, me and Santino and Bill Burr and Chris D'Elia last night were fucking howling. Yeah.

Just making each other laugh. Just talking shit and just having a good time. Talking about Nick Cannon's stand-up special. Oops. Sorry. But it was just weird. Got that good that good dick doe have you seen it yes um we're having such a good time just talking just shooting the shit talking about you know clubs on the road and doing it's just it's like you know you get a chance to talk shop you know get silly dude back there look out there's

touchstones in your life where you go these conversations were meaningful yeah i remember a night i was i was just started up doing birth conquer again and you and burr were sitting you were standing and he was sitting in that corner seat where the door opens over to hit you and both you i remember i don't know if what have you go how much money is enough money i went what and you're like and you guys looked at each other you're like i mean how much money like how much money do you need like you're doing the travel channel again yeah and burr's like man nothing but nothing your show sucks like i just do stand-up before you and both of you sat there and you were like you're a good stand-up man i

don't know what you're doing on this tv show just get back to stand-up and i was like only at the comedy store you get that conversation and only with your friends. I remember hearing that going, yeah, what the fuck? You're like, dude, you monetize your podcast, you do the road, and you can hang out here. Is this your show? Are you really happy? It's so important to have friends that will tell you that too because sometimes you don't think you can do it.

You feel like, oh, I have to stay under contract. I have to keep working. But I knew you were on the road for like fucking weeks at a time. I'm like, Bert, you don't want to do this. You're a funny guy. Yeah. And you're not really working on your stand-up that much. Let's be honest.

You'd go on the road. You wouldn't do stand-up for weeks at a time. I'd try to put in a date, like jamming a date in between touring or doing Travel Channel. But the truth was I'd be away from my family and then I'd be a mess. And not only that, it's not enough. No. Like a date doesn't do shit. It's just like you go, wow, I was rusty. That's gonna do you know you need to be you know stand-up comedy is like

running you know you take a month off running you're gonna be out of shape you know you gotta you gotta be fucking constantly going at it it's it's it's a beautiful grind yeah i'm so glad you you decided to bail on that shit too it's the best the best thing I ever... You have two watches on. No, it was one of my Fitbit. Oh. I ran... Doesn't that have the time on it? Four miles. Yeah, but I keep it.

I keep it just to track my... I try to get to 18,000 steps every day. But you want the other watch as well. It was a gift. Oh. This has sentimental value. It's not even... The time isn't even right.

Oh, really? It's like a bracelet. It's a bracelet. You're basically a girl. Yeah. You got a bracelet on. Yeah. Guys wearing bracelets disturbs me.

Like, what are you doing? There was a period where I was wearing a few bracelets. Drives me nuts. Guys with like three bracelets on one wrist. Like, hey, you stop. Especially like Italian guys. Like three gold bracelets. Yeah.

And a pinky ring. But you're not a jewelry guy. No. No. I've been a jewelry guy at times. You're a jewelry guy? Yeah. I've been there. guy at times you're a jewelry guy yeah like what kind of jewelry you ever have a pinky ring uh yeah you ever have a diamond ring uh no i haven't had a diamond ring i've had a plethora of bracelets before though yeah i don't i barely wash my car

oh seriously yeah i wash my corvette that's the only one i wash like in my porsche i wash but the corvette is just it's barely a car the corvette is like an art piece the funny thing about you is how how unextraordinary you believe you are like when i'll tell you that when we tom and i did the first hot yoga we did the hot yoga we got done and we were really fucking floored and the first thing we said was ari's not doing it right there's no way he could do these in a day and the second thing tom said was you know at this point in joe's day it's only like 10 in the morning and he hasn't done kettlebells run or a podcast or sets yet i was like i'm going home and eating candy bar and going to

bed but but like i that's the one thing that's been pushing me through this month is I go, all right, I'm going to go and run now. I'm going to, I'm going to try to do more in a day than I normally do. And, and I think that is only achievable. I mean, it's only achievable with a real true balance of like being sober and healthy

and not just getting off the fucking rails all the time. Yeah. Because if you do go off the rails all the time, your body's just not capable of working hard. And if you're, it, there's, time, your body's just not capable of working hard. And there's steps, right? It's like you can't just start running six miles a day and doing kettlebells and then taking a 90-minute yoga class. You're not going to have the energy.

Your body's not conditioned to do it. But you can work out. You can work up to those things. You could start off with just a light half-mile run. You could start out with do your best in a 90-minute yoga class. You could start out doing all to those things. Like you could start off with just a light half mile run. You could start out with do your best in a 90 minute yoga class. You know, you could start out doing all these different things. And then over time you build up conditioning and strength and health. And you know,

I'm 50 years old, dude. I've never been in better shape in my life. Never been more healthy. I work out all the time. I feel great. I mean, I really do.

And I just always want to tell people that. Like, you can't – obviously, a lot of people have way more time requirements than I do in terms of, like, your day job and stuff like that. But the more effort you put into keeping your body healthy, the better you're going to feel. You're just going to have more energy. Like, I feel good all the time. You know, and I feel better this week or this month, this 12 days in. I really do. I do, too. I love it.

I don't know. I think the first drink's going to be hard for me to take because I feel like I'll be letting myself down. Because, like I said, I get teetotaler. Right. And I guarantee that first drink, I probably do a shot with Ari and then I'm like, I think I'm going to go to bed. Does Ari do shots? He's like a drink. He'll have a glass of whiskey with ice or something like that.

I saw him do shots in Calgary. Oh, yeah. And then we lost him. He didn't used to drink. I know. When I first met him, he didn't drink at all. He would smoke weed, but he didn't drink. He became a drinker when he moved to New York.

Oh, is that really? Yeah. Yeah. I never remember seeing him drink ever. I remember when he lived here, we'd go to the store, do like a podcast or something, and he'd get high, but he would eat candy. I think that was his thing. I was like, I can't imagine candy.

Now I'm like, oh, I fucking love candy. Yeah, well, after a workout, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people actually like candy, like a lot of lifters. A lot of people lift. They like to eat candy after they work out. Yeah, repunish those sugar supply of the muscles. It's controversial. You know, some people don't agree with that. Some people do. It's

dependent upon what kind of diet you have normally. I try to stay away from bread and pasta. That's it. That's awesome. That's a big one. Do that. You'll be healthier. You know, my friend Cameron Haynes is running the Moab tomorrow. He starts the Moab tomorrow.

He starts the Moab 240, which is a 238-mile race. And he's been running a marathon a day for months in preparation for this. And tomorrow he begins a 238- mile race. You could track it at www.moab200.com. M-O-A-B 200.com. And you're going to be able to track his performance and where he's at. And it'll take shit probably. And also UA Outdoor. They'll be posting live video at UA Outdoor.

UA Outdoor, Under Armour Outdoor. I think that's UA Outdoor, the Instagram page, right? Click on that real quick. Yeah. And there it is. It shows all his stuff. He's out there representing Under Armour, running his fucking animal. It's funny. It says, when I first started off running, I struggled with a 5k. Now I'm doing 200 mile races. It's not that I was born with this amazing talent your body gets used to what you ask of it if you don't ask much of it it isn't going to give you much if you don't ask much of it it isn't going to give you and you said it twice for some reason if you ask a lot of it it will give you a lot somebody should tell them that they repeated that sentence he can edit

that edit that shit jesus christ under armor get shit together. He's a fascinating guy, man. He's, you know, whatever the podcast thing has done, it's introduced me to people like him and Adam Greentree who are just, I find, fascinating. Yeah. And, man, some fan made me a table. I picked it up today. I put it on my Instagram. And he just put, like, all the, I guess all the stuff I dig. And one of the things he put on the side was, no one no one cares. Work harder. And I was like, yeah, this cams t-shirt. Yeah.

It's just one of his sayings. And that's, that's real. You know, I posted something on Instagram today that there's levels to this shit. You know, it's what we're talking about. Like I'm, I'm very self-critical, like super hyper self-critical. But one of the reasons why I'm hyper self-critical is I know people who are just real savages who really are doing extraordinary things. And people who are self-congratulatory for no reason drive me fucking insane. Why are you laughing? I'm so self-congratulatory.

Are you? Oh. But you're like half joking. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But I have a very low threshold for reward. I did it. Two sit-ups, time to drink.

And I think that's why I'm doing the half marathon because I was like, I need to start. I want to start testing myself. I want to start saying to myself, let's break two hours in a half marathon. Let's see if we can do that. Right. But you're right. I think I do that with physical stuff because i was an athlete growing up and i just go i can i can always jump back in but when

it comes to stand-up man i am beyond fucking critical i look at some of these people that put out hours and i go like like like i'm not gonna name names but man i there's some people that people have said like i saw someone who I won't say names but they closed their special with street jokes and I was like nah you can't my hey you don't have friends I know her yeah yeah this you should have stayed my friend I would have told you

don't do that shit yeah well she wouldn't have listened but here's the thing man a lot of people they get caught up in that other stuff is one of the things we were talking about like you doing the travel channel imagine if you're doing movies all the time you doing two three movies a year movies You know how that grind is 16 hours a day on set you don't have time to hit the clubs You have time to grind you're not going over your material. You're going over your lines You're taking naps cuz you're fucking tired all the time. Yeah, especially if you're not an athlete

You're not someone who's like really fit and healthy and eating really good foods Your body is worn the fuck out by the time those three, four months of filming are done. And then you have to do press junkets and you have to do that. And then, you know, someone, Netflix, HBO comes along and offers you all this cash to do a special. Can you do it? Yeah. You're not going to say no.

And by the way, your agents, your managers, unless they're fucking top of the food chain, they don't know shit about what it takes to do stand-up because they don't do it You have to have a really good manager who goes listen We really need to manage the time that in the energy the focus you put on your act Because you only get one shot at doing this act You know and I fucked that up before and I think a lot of us have before We've all done sets where we weren't really prepared we weren't really and you don't know what what it takes until you do

it wrong and then you feel the sting of mediocrity and then you realize like oh there's no substitute for running 200 miles you have to fucking run every day there's no substitute there's no substitute for stand-up you have to fucking grind you to grind. You've got to watch your sets. You've got to go through and say, where's the lazy writing? You've got to punch up the good writing. That last hour special I did, I think the one that really helped break me to sell tickets and whatnot, was me looking at it from the travel channel perspective of lazy, just get the work done, get it up. Just get the laughs.

I don't give a fuck. Just get the work done. Get it up. Just get the laughs. I don't give a fuck. And then going and starting hanging out at clubs and going, oh, there's a lot of laziness in this act. And going, I need to really be honest with myself and go, this is hacky. I'm not doing the work in the special.

I think that applies to everybody that does everything. It's not just our creative endeavor of stand-up comedy, but if you're, whatever you're doing, if you're a fucking engineer, if you're a chef, whatever it is, whatever you're doing where you focus on and it gets good, if you focus more on it, it'll get great. I mean, it's just, you have to figure out what's missing in it. Where's the weak spots? Where's the holes? What could be done better? Approach it from a different angle. You know, one of the things that I'll do, and I've been been this is a thing that I've been doing a lot over the last Two years I'll take a bit that I know is killing it's doing well. I'll take that bit. I know it's done So now I look at the same subject with open eyes

But completely fresh eyes and then I try to rewrite it I try to rewrite the bit I got try to write the bit almost as if I don't even know how the other bit goes and I write a new version of it. And sometimes when I write a new version of it, I'll have a whole new take that I can add to the first version. And the only way you do that is if you're not complacent. The only way you're willing to do that is if you fucking hate yourself and you want

to just grind it out all the time. Yeah. And you want to just grind it out all the time. Yeah. This hour I'm working on now, I feel like I've gotten too meticulous with it. Like, I've gotten to the point where I go, every joke needs to have closure. Because I'm really doing more stories. I'm not, like, doing more, like, premise.

I'm doing legit, like, story. That's what you like to do, right? Yeah. Well well you know what and I have to credit Ari on this is I didn't realize I was doing I was doing like material you know like hey have you ever put a vegetable in your chick's ass make sure to use a carrot not a cucumber

cucumbers do a great you know like those kind of like fun boy party stuff right mediocre comedy at best and I think Ari was the first one that was like dude your stories are really good and we started talking about when he was doing started doing uh this is not happening we started talking about stories and i was like i got really into it i was like yeah i'm much better at stories than trying to do what everyone else is doing if i can do my shit and just be me that like i felt like i was people were stealing material from me so i do a premise and i was like

it's it's common ground like uh get pulled over by a cop or you know those it's like stealing material from you you know i'm not getting into this so uh but you get into stuff and you're like and then i was like oh these these stories about me like the machine story taught me so fucking much like i remember i've said this a million times too i I'll say it a million times more. I did this podcast and you were like, that's your store. That's your closer. You need to fucking figure that out.

And I went to Columbus, Ohio that first time. I was there that next weekend. There was a kid in the front row. He's like, you're telling the machine, right? And I was like, no, it's not. And he's like, Rogan said you should tell it. Bert, Bert, we understand. It won't be good.

That's okay. I remember being like, oh, these are the fans I get? Like, okay. But I learned so much out of telling that story about how to write stories and how to do stories. And I think, you know, when people come see my show, they want to have a good time. They don't want to hear my view on fucking feminism. Unless your view on feminism is really funny.

Yeah, unless it's funny. But it's whatever you feel. Yeah. Whatever you feel like saying. So many comics right now are so like, a lot of liberal comics are like,

agenda first, comedy second. And I'm like, I'm not that guy. That's crazy. I'm not going to push that agenda on you. I'm just going to make sure

you have a good time. Tell you the time I got fucked up, I pissed on a table, I fucking robbed a train. Unless whatever your agenda is, it happens to be hilarious.

Like, it's got to be organic, right? and that's you know i mean i don't think you should put yourself in any sort of a box yeah i i feel like i feel like if it if i like it i'll do it yeah but then i did this bit about cat calling that i thought was so fucking good but i was like i was like what are you doing do it if you like it don't worry about it man you. You can't box yourself. Like, I remember one of Tony Hinchcliffe's ex-girlfriends was like, I think Tony should be all dark.

I go, what? I don't like that already. And she goes, I think you should just stick to all dark. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? Why would he do that? How about just be funny all the time? And then I had to talk to him about it. And he's like, oh, she hates my bit about squirting.

Like, she didn't like the fact that he was doing sexual jokes so she was trying to like give him some really shit advice like he should be all dark just be moody and dark shut the fuck up like when you say something in a green room

and you don't know one of the comics then he gets up and leaves and the other comic goes just ah, just so you know, his dad's gay. And you're like, ah, fuck. That was the worst. And you're like, why wouldn't you tell me that in the middle of it? And he's like, I wanted to see where you took it. When you go places, do you get like a crowd in the green room, like weird guys show up? Like, yeah, that's not good.

Yeah. And they always want to like reach into the fucking cooler and grab beers and talk too much. Oh, yeah. Oh. Dude, I have confrontation problems, so I just leave myself. Oh, no. Leave your own green room. I've had that a number of times.

That's the worst, man. When you show up on the road and like the green room becomes like a hangout. Hey, this is my buddy. He's a big fan. And this is his girlfriend. They're going to. Hey, let me ask you a question how do you write your jokes it's happened so much how do you come up with material you know it's funny uh i've been thinking about doing stand-up for a while because a lot of people at work tell me i'm really funny and uh you know i mean i watch you and i go hey maybe i can do it i get the thing i get the most is uh

people in the meet and greet line going ah i, I've got to tell you my machine story. So I'm in. There's 150 people behind you, sir. Oh, I get these long ones. I had these lesbians who wouldn't stop playing with my dick. Nice. I didn't mind it. We were doing the pictures.

As long as they're lesbians, it barely counts. The girl was like, I haven't felt a dick in a while. And we're doing pictures. She used to be a non a non lesbian. Yeah, she's to be a breeder What happened? Why'd you go to the dark side? Did you ask her uh-uh? No, but she got me hard She definitely did Terrible girl. I love that when you find someone who's like who pose powers sexuality is sexuality. Like, there was a girl one time, it's like, hey, can I, like, people always go, hey, can I, girls will go, can I pinch your nipple in the pictures? My shirt's off.

I go, oh, yeah, yeah, whatever. This one girl goes, hey, can I play with your nipple? And I was like, yeah. And she did some sex stuff to my nipple that I literally knocked my wind out of me. I went, oh. And then I was like, hey, can you tell me what you did so I can tell that to my wife? Like, that was fucking amazing. You can slam my nipple in a bank vault

I don't feel shit These things are useless They don't even work I don't feel a god damn thing They're numb They're like an elbow That's what it's like Very similar to an elbow

I don't know man Ball sack I couldn't Like you could pinch my ball sack with pliers. I wouldn't feel it. Hmm. Yeah, the skin's not very sensitive. But it is when they tickle like this, right? When they tickle it.

Mine go right up in me. They suck up? Oh, yeah. Really? Like a Weichi Room Master. Like if someone... That's what they would do. They would suck their balls up into their body so you can kick them in the nuts and

it doesn't even hurt. Really? No. Oh. They thought they did, though, these fucking idiots. But there are a bunch of guys that get kicked in the balls and they somehow or another can endure it. Oh, we did.

We had a bit on a TV show where there was a strap you put. Did you ever see this? No. It looks like a seatbelt, but it goes around your- Like the Conqueror? It goes, no, it's for some Spike show. It goes around your feet and then it rides your inseam. nose for some spike show.

It goes around your feet, and then it rides your inseam. So it looks like a seatbelt, but it's an inch shorter than your inseam. So theoretically, when you kick it, the strap stops the foot before it hits your balls. Okay. So does that make sense? Yes. So imagine if you had really, really strong inseams, and you couldn't get to the balls because the inseam didn't move because it was strapped around your feet. Yeah.

So we get a punter, a professional punter, and the whole gag is if I get it, I'll get kicked in the balls. I don't like where this is going. But I got the strap on. I'm fine, right? Right. So I'm like, all right, I get kicked in the balls. So I'm standing like this, but as he goes to kick, I squat down.

Oh, no. And I then loosen the tension in the thing. Oh, Jesus Christ. And I got kicked in the balls by a pro punter. Oh, my God. Hard as fuck. And I went down. the balls by a pro punter. Oh, my God. Hard as fuck. And I went down. You could lose a ball from that, man.

Very easily. I know a couple guys who have lost a ball. A couple. Yeah. They get kicked in the nuts in sparring, and they lose a nut. I thought I lost a nut once in a tournament. My ball swole up like a fucking golf ball. It was like this, more than a golf ball, I guess.

It was big and red, and it turned purple later. It was awful. Yeah, I really thought, because I had, in the old days, the cups that you would have were like, they were cups that would sit in jock straps. Yeah. And when you would throw a kick, a lot of times the ball would poke out from underneath the cup. So when you got kicked in the nuts, that cup was slamming into your balls. It's not good. Now they have

really good compression shorts and the balls like get reached. Like there's a thing called diamond MMA cups. They suck straight to your body and the outside soft and they cover all your junk and it doesn't go anywhere. You could literally get kicked in the balls with these things on and be okay. Then they have these steel tie cups, which are the most ideal. The most uncomfortable, but the most ideal. Because they tie up through your asshole like a G-string. They fucking crank up back there and they tie them on the top, but it's a steel cup.

Really? Everything is just fucking shoved in there, man. I remember when I was a kid and they just pulled a cup out of the bag by itself and go, throw it in your underwear. Oh, yeah, they do that. And you'd have to raw dog the cup in your underwear. Just sand all over your dick. What a stupid design balls are. Yeah. On the outside.

And everybody knows it. Everybody knows how bad they hurt. There's no thing that hurts other than your eyeballs. Things that hurts like your balls. Everything ball hurts. Other than your eyeballs. Yeah that hurts like your balls. Everything ball hurts, right? Other than your eyeballs. Yeah, has he ever been

poked in the eye hard? Yeah. Horrible, right? Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's your balls, man. I said to someone one time we were about to do

this snowball fight for a professional snowball fight. So they make them with snow, pack them, and they're basically ice rocks.

And it's called Yugi Gassen in Alaska. And so we're about to do it. And the night before I had said to someone, no, you can hit me in the dick. I'd rather be hitting the dick than in the balls. And there was this girl, Lonnie, and she was like, you're telling me you have no feeling in your dick?

I go, no, I feel in my dick. But if you punch me in the dick, like just dick, if you held my dick in my hand and punched me, it wouldn't hurt as bad as if you held my balls in my hand and punched me, it wouldn't hurt as bad as if you held my balls in my hand and punched me. So the next day we're doing this Yuki Gasson and someone throws a snowball right when it starts and it hits me on the head of the dick

and I thought it exploded in my pants. I thought when I, and my hands were cold so I couldn't feel. I was like when I touch this dick, it will be in pieces in my pants. Like a trick cigar. And it hurt. I've never felt a pain.

And then she came up as I'm writhing. She goes, I thought I could punch you in the dick and it wouldn't hurt. I was like, I was wrong. What about animals? Like, animals all have their balls on the outside, but they've never figured it out. Like, I think chimps probably figured it out. I bet when they fight other chimps, they attack the balls. Because I know they do that with people.

When chimps attack people, they rip your dick off. And then bite your fingers off, right? Bite your fingers off and rip your dick off. They pull your eyes out. It's one of the things they do. They know what to attack. They're not trying to kill you. They're trying to maim you.

They're trying to take away what you need and want. They're so fucking ruthless little animals. I did a podcast with Callan the other day. And I go, and I love the way his brain works. And the first thing's out of his mouth. have you ever seen a hairless chimp? I was like, no. And he pulls it up, and I'm like, he's like, the woman was bathing with that thing. Bathing with it.

Sleeping with it. She was having sex with it, most likely. Oh, had to. Yeah, she would just give the chimp Xanax. Yeah, she gave him Xanax and red wine. The one that tore that lady's face off in Connecticut. She was giving him Xanax and red wine? Yeah, look at the muscles on that thing fucking not only that The problem is we look at that and go. Oh, yeah, it's like a bodybuilder. No, no, that's a chimpanzee

Like those muscles are like corded steel They might be the same size as a bodybuilder's muscles But the density of those muscles is off the fucking charts. Look at those fucking arms. Oh, dude. Believe me, I've spent years of my life staring at naked chimps. But that's a chimp with mange. That's what that is.

There's some sort of a disease where his hair falls off where you really see their anatomy. Yeah, it's a stunning difference between them and us. I mean, there's a lot of similarities. But what's really, really interesting is that that is an intelligent animal. I mean, it's an intelligent animal that now uses tools. So much so that anthropologists are now thinking that, or biologists rather. What would it be? What would it be that studies chimps?

Biologists. Zoology? Oh, no no definitely not anyway whoever the fuck studies chimps they have uh i think they've universally concluded that chimpanzees have entered the stone age so they are using tools without being taught so by other chimps um they're using tools independently and they're using tools constantly and they're using all kinds of different tools. And so they think that what's going to happen is eventually they're going to figure out a lot of other stuff and it could take hundreds of thousands of years. But

chimpanzees, literally chimpanzees and monkeys have entered the stone age. I mean, this is from the BBC. They're using rocks and tools and they're cutting things and breaking things open with tools. And he would say it's not the worksmanship that makes them special. If anything, a casual observer might struggle to even identify them as ancient tools. It's not their antiquity that's exceptional either. They're only about the same age as the Egyptian periods. What makes these tools noteworthy is that the hands that held them weren't human. These stone tools were wielded

by chimpanzees, capuchins, and macaques. How do you say that? Macaques? How do you say those monkeys? Macaw. I thought it was macaw. But I thought that's a bird. I don't know.

Anyway, monkeys. The sites where they have been unearthed are the basis of a brand new field of science, primate archaeology. So what they're saying now is, if you think about human beings, right, at one point in the history of human beings, we were far more primitive than we are now, right? If you go back, and if you, one of those people believe in evolution, if you go all the way back, you know, we were some sort of Australopithecus, right?

It's like some sort of a chimpanzee-like humanoid thing. And that we got more and more intelligent for whatever reasons. And over the period of two million years, the human brain size doubled. And they think that hunting played a part of that. Cooking food might have played a part. Now, a bunch of factors played a part in that. Hunting played a part of that. Cooking food might have played a part in that.

A bunch of factors played a part in that. But they think that if chimpanzees keep going the way they're going now, that who knows what the fuck a chimp looks like in a million years. I mean, it's entirely possible that they could grow to be a new type of super intelligent primate. Wow. Yeah. I mean, look, it was us, right? If you believe evolution obviously i do but if you believe scientists the the most studied in the field believe that human beings in this form we've existed in this form for somewhere in the neighborhood of half a million years plus right

i don't know if that's the right number but it I think it varies back and forth. But who knows how many hundreds of thousands of years before that we looked exactly like these motherfuckers. I mean, we've been around relatively recently. I mean, if you look at the history of the human race versus the history of the world, the world's like four and a half billion years old. The humans haven't even been around a million years, I don't think. That's crazy. So that's four and a half thousand million years old for the earth. Humans, less than a million. So we're fucking, we're recent people or recent things that have figured out how to radically change our environment with tools. So now these things have figured out how to radically change our environment with tools. So now these things have figured out how to start using tools on a regular basis. So this is what happened with us millions of years ago, or whatever it was,

and this is what's happening with them. And this is fairly recent. We have now recovered buried stone tools from activity areas of all the stone tool using primates It's gonna be weird man. I still can't understand how they can teach them sign language and talk to them crazy how did like Crazy yeah, you know humans have a very weird relationship with primates, too It's we you know we expect them to be pets you know that's what this crazy lady in

connecticut where a friend got her face ripped off that's what they thought like and the people the guy that got his balls ripped off and his face ripped off and the chimps tore his feet off you remember that guy yeah that guy had a pet chimp and that chimp got too old and when they get old they're incredibly strong and super aggressive and they don't understand the consequences of biting someone's finger off they just decide i'm gonna bite your fucking finger off whatever give me that finger yeah i mean you know and that's what a chimpanzee is i mean they're wired to survive in the jungle you know it is an insanely harsh environment that's a little baby chimp god look at that hand it's a little baby chimp. God, look at that hand. It's a little baby hand. But they're wired to survive in an incredibly harsh environment. And that includes fits of violence and retribution violence.

They're fucking ruthless, man. They gang up on other chimps and they plot out war. They go after tribes of other chimps and kill them. And they target them. They somehow or another figure out a way to communicate how to of other chimps and kill them, and they target them. They somehow or another figure out a way to communicate how to ambush other chimps. There's a lot of video on it, too. It's fucking ruthless, man. It's really harsh shit to watch.

I made a gorilla laugh one time. How? I was at this, I think it's called Monkey Kingdom in Miami. I was at this, I think it's called Monkey Kingdom in Miami. And they had this depressed gorilla because this, I had this circus had him before and they took out his canines. Oh, Jesus. Because they wanted to use him. So they removed his, yeah, they didn't want to.

Waiting people? Yeah, so they took out his canines. But apparently canines in the gorilla kingdom are a sign of, that's like how you can become, like if you you don't have canines then you're just shunned. You'll never get a partner. And so they could never get this one gorilla partner. I forget the Why don't they give him dental implants? Uh, I don't know. They could do that to hockey players. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know why they didn't. Doesn't it seem like they could do that? Yeah. Get him some nice veneers. Yeah, just give him a fucking operation. Put him under. Why not just give him human teeth? Throw a little gas bomb in his cage. He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. Dope him up. So they're like, yeah.

They do it with dogs. He's really depressed. And I think it's called Monkey Kingdom is the name of the place in Miami. They go, he's really depressed. He's just a depressed gorilla. I go, I bet I can make him laugh. And they're like, you definitely aren't going to make a primate laugh and i swear to you i swear and this did not get included on my show i swear to god i started doing an impression of a gorilla i just started going and then slamming my chest

and then i went number one like this and he went and i went shut up i literally lost my mind i was like i just and they're like i can't believe you made him laugh. And I was like that. And then Travel Channel was like, I don't see why that's impertinent to the show. I was like, I just made a fucking gorilla laugh. A depressed one. Yeah. How, what?

Ugh. Ugh. How frustrating was that? Oh, you have no fucking idea. Ugh. I had a show. I have a, I have a clip. This is the frustrating part is I

we did the last season of Birth to Conquer and I did the whole thing everything that we shot it was my thumbprint because we were in between presidents and it was it was I'm very proud of that product and we showed it to them and they're like it's not all brand and so they buried it

what does that mean? it was too blue. It was too rough. It wasn't about like, there was no intro reads. I wouldn't do like, my name's Bert Kreischer and I'm outside Cedar Point,

the home of thrill rides in the middle of Ohio. Like whatever it is. So what did you do instead? I would be like, I would say stuff like, New Jersey is like a fat ass. Like not everyone likes it, but if you're into it, you get it.

Does that make sense? And they were really fun reads, and they were so irreverent that if you saw them, you're not turning off the show. You're like, what the fuck? Right. Fine. Yeah. So I said to them at the very beginning, I said, hey, listen, there's some clips we have

in there that'll definitely go viral. Can you just air them to promote the series? And they're like, listen, can you just, there's some clips we have in there that'll definitely go viral. Can you just air them to promote the series? And they're like, no, we've got this. We know what we're doing. And so they didn't do it. So one of them was this thing, Pterodactyl. It was a ride in Colorado that's fucking amazing. If you go to their web, if you go to Travel Channel's Facebook page and see how many views it's got, I think it'll blow you away.

By the way, they never aired it when the show was about to air. They aired it later on accident. And it's the most viewed thing the network's ever had ever in its history of being alive. When they aired it by accident. By when one girl aired it by accident, didn't know, A, we're trying to part ways with Burt, put it up, and it's got... A swing? Yeah, how many views?

242 million. Yeah. 242 million views? Yeah, it's got 1.3 million shares. 242 million. Yeah. 242 million views? Yeah, it's got 1.3 million shares. 242 million views. Yeah. Let me see that. Oh my

God! I told them. That is insane. I've never even seen something with 242 million views. I said, hey, we got some viral videos, and they were like, nah, we know better than you. Dude, 834,000 likes. They know better than you.

Fucking idiots. And dude, look at the fucking screen picture. It's me falling off a cliff on a chair. Let me see this. Play it. Add a little thing to your thing. Oh my God! Holy crap! So this is all the free fall 100 miles an hour into the canyon on the pterodactyl

How do you free fall? How does it work? You're in this chair, it's strung out to a fulcrum I would love a lot of tips. No, not a little tip like that. I thought you meant advice. I am leaning a lot forward. Let's pray to God. Gary.

What is... I don't understand what's keeping you alive. It's a string. A cable is strung across the canyon. Oh, my God. And that is tied to a string in the middle. This is how you see Colorado. Fuck, dude. By the way, there is one that is ten times funnier than this.

They took me into a spook house. What's a spook house? Please don't say it involves black people. No, it did not involve black people. It's in... I wonder if I... I tried to post it online. Because they used to let me post all the content.

And then once we parted... Once they realized they were ready to part ways with me. So was their idea or your idea? They asked me what I wanted to do the president at the time took me out to lunch said so what do you want to do and I said to my therapist I was like I think I don't want to ride roller coasters I'm done riding roller coasters

I'll do something that is my idea like I'll do something if you want to do something we can do something but I don't want to just be a host for hire. I want to have, I'm focusing on stand-up. I'm focusing on my podcast. I want to do stuff that means something to me. So this is like last year.

This is last, a full year ago. A full year ago, roughly probably today. Whoa. Like, yeah, like it was October. It was before we had done the weight loss challenge. I was the fattest I'd ever been. I had rapper at the Conquer It was about to start airing. So yeah, I think it was October. Wow my special had narrative my specials air in November and

She said what do you want to do? And I said I don't ride roller coasters anymore. She's like, okay, and so then They're fired Bert. Yeah pretty much Wow But my therapist is like don't go in and just ask for a job say what you want and don't don't do anything other than that What did you say you wanted't do anything other than that. What did you say you wanted to do? What was the idea that you wanted to do? A show that I think I'm doing. I'm going to be doing.

You're going to do another show. I'm going to do a show with my buddy, Tony. The guy was telling you about this Run and Roseanne. But I can't tell because the premise is pretty high concept. We'll talk afterwards. Yeah. But we're doing that and then I'm doing scripted, which is what I wanted to do.

Right. But I had already shot this product and there was this one thing at a spook house where it's like... What's a spook house? It's a haunted house. It's in Colorado.

You know the place I'm talking about? I have one pulled up where you're in Ohio, but that's not from Birth to Conqueror. That's from Birth to Conqueror? Yeah. How old do I look in it? It's from 2016.

You got a Joe Rogan shirt on? If you... I swear to God, if you watch the full video of this, it is the funniest thing you've ever seen. I gave it to them and they just clipped it up and tried to make it short. I was like, don't air the fucking whole video because it's me going 25 minutes. The whole video is not 25 minutes, it's like 8 minutes.

But it's me doing like an hour tour through this spook house and I am losing my shit. Why wouldn't they air it? Because. Were they bummed out at you at this point? Yeah. Yeah.

You were leaving? I think they just, they don't like that I'm wearing it. Look how different you look. They don't like that you're wearing my shirt? Yeah, they're like, what? Cunts. Why can't you just wear a black shirt? Fuck off.

Fuck off, Travel Channel. Thank you for wearing that, though. That's awesome. It's just me getting scared. Dude, you were so much bigger. I know.'re a different human. I know that's so crazy Like do you see yourself there and go? Oh my god. I'm unhealthy. It makes me uncomfortable if you go to the very end I'm sweating profusely But like this is I get scared and I just push my system on the coast

oh wow i don't even look like myself yeah you're how many more pounds are you there 260 260 250 so you're 40 plus pounds heavy yeah wow just drinking like crazy dude it's amazing how you've done this you know from january to today you've essentially changed who you are you know yeah but i think i think i probably wouldn't have done it without all of us being a part like it's been fun yeah you know yeah i felt guilty that you guys went through all that shit and i didn't do anything that's one of the reasons why i was willing to pay for like that's where things get fucked up like my intention to pay for your trip to the basketball game was a good intention yeah but it put Ari in a weird place because I kind of stepped in for him and then went, oh, Joe would have stepped in for Ari because

Ari's a welter. Maybe if I didn't do that, you guys would have sorted it out quicker. Didn't mean to do that. When you said that, you're like, no, don't worry. Ari's done it. We've been friends a long time. I got this. I had it on my pocket.

When you said it, it was very like, you didn't sound like you were, I didn't feel like you were throwing Ari under the bus at all. I didn't feel like it, but I think he felt like it a little bit. But I also think there's blood in the water. And when there's blood in the water, those fucking online piranhas, they just find a weakness. I found a spot. And if you show that weakness, oh, it's like leaving out milk for a cat.

That's why you were telling him about the comments. Don't fucking respond to those comments, you know? Don't do that. He did. He, look, I love him to death. But he posted something shitty, real shitty one time. He knows it. And anyone that knows it knows it.

And if they don't know it, they'll never know it. I don't give a fuck. But I watched the comments roll in after that. And he didn't realize what he had posted. And I watched it. He didn't realize it? He didn't realize. It's a long story, and I'm not getting into in after that, and he didn't realize what he had posted. And I watched it, and I was like... He didn't realize it? He didn't realize. It's a long story, and I'm not getting into it.

Okay, okay, okay. Because I love Ari, and I don't want him to have to deal with it. But, like, he didn't realize what he had posted. He thought he was posting something fun. Uh-huh. But it was, like, super serious. And then, dude, I watched these people roll in with comments. Man, Tom and I have said a number of times, dude, write down names.

Don't ever forget the guys that are really horrible human beings on here. Like, don't ever forget. There are some fucking lunatics online. Like, legit fucking lunatics. Of course. Like, when you said you weren't going to smoke weed and we put the Pray for Joe thing out. Dude, this guy wrote to me. He goes, don't ever forget you are nothing without Joe Rogan.

That is our medicine. We need this medicine. And if you're going to deprive us of our medicine, I was like, our? Oh, Jesus Christ. Who the fuck do you think you're, like, deprive us of our medicine? People just, there's a lot of broken people out there, man. A lot. Whoever you are, if you're that guy, look, man, I didn't take my medicine for 12 days and I'm good.

Just relax. I mean, but some people, here's the thing right i used to uh do a joke about this that i did have a medical marijuana card before it was legal yeah you know it was legal only medically but if you didn't get a medical marijuana card like if you went to a doctor and they said no like you should go to a fucking hospital because it's probably something really wrong with you yeah because they were giving them away like candy like anybody get a medical marijuana card and Someone was said to me like well You are throwing it in the face of the people that actually need marijuana for like glaucoma or PTSD or whatever like what you're doing Is skirting the system. I might yeah

Yeah So what I'm still getting weed legally. I'm not hurting'm still getting weed legally. I'm not hurting anybody by getting weed legally, stupid. I'm just promoting the fact that weed's awesome. And then also there's the thing with like, it's fun for just calming you down and giving you a perspective in life. I think weed has made me, and I think there's probably a lot of other factors as well. I don't want to say it's all weed, but weed has made me a nicer person because it's made me more sensitive.

And I think that if there's one thing that we could all use more in this life, everybody gets carried away and everybody's a work in progress and people all say things that they probably shouldn't have or just, you know, you're acting impulsively or you go with the thought that's in your head and you say what's on your mind It doesn't come out right yeah, we've all done that right but marijuana for me highlights all those things and almost ruthlessly Introspective way that makes me a nicer person makes me think about things especially when I'm in the tank man When I get in the tank when I smoke weed I just think about everything

It's like a goddamn seminar on my life. I should do that. I should do that tank. It's gonna be in the new studio. I should do that tank. New studio has a tank. I gotta do the tank before October's up. Okay. It'll be there before then. I wanna try it sober. And then in November, I wanna try it high

one time. Well, it'll be installed in the third week of October. Really? Yeah, Yeah. The tank's coming soon. So as soon as this one from your house, no, no, no, it's a new one. They took the one out of my house crash, by the way, folks, if you're in California, you, the float lab is the greatest float place in the world. And this guy is like a lot of people credit me for, um, making, uh, isolation tanks more popular. I'm very happy that that's the case. But my tank experience increased dramatically when I hooked up with Crash. Because I had a friend who was

working on my tank and he was fixing it. And I had an older tank. It wasn't the best tank, but it was good. And I had a lot of great experiences in it. But he told me about this guy in Veniceice uh that ran this place called the float lab and i said well what's the difference he's like well his stuff is just like super engineered it's like the best stuff like you don't have any of the issues with like the the bladders at the bottom that hold the that you know the hold the water in breaking because he doesn't use waterbed bladders instead Instead, he uses those things they use for ponds, like koi ponds, like a very thick, thick plastic.

Everything, he has air pumped in it so you get fresh oxygen inside the tank. He uses two waterbed heaters, and they work together simultaneously. He has a really excellent digital calibration system for the temperature. He takes it to the next level with everything. He's got an ozone filtration system that kills all the bacteria, kills everything. He uses two gigantic jacuzzi filters that everything gets run through these tiny micron, I forget what the number is, filters. They filter everything out of that water.

And for me, it's like it's only me in the water. everything out of that water and for me it's like it's only me in the water but for public ones it's like critically important that you know you know that you're not going to catch some weird skin disease or something when you get inside these tanks so this guy um i got in touch with him uh got a tank from him he installed it in my basement and then you know i'm just i can't shut the fuck up about things i love yeah and that's part of my problem, because I'm repetitive as fuck, but that's what makes me good at things. I get obsessive in that mindset. I'm just constantly droning on about the same things constantly.

And sometimes that becomes a problem with podcasts. But Crash, that guy, he's the motherfucker behind tanks. If it wasn't for him, the tanks that we have, even the non-Crash tanks, non-Float Lab tanks, all the other tanks in the world, that is the gold standard.

His tanks are the gold standard, and all the other tanks since then, they've elevated in quality substantially because of his contribution. When I first started using a tank, which was like early 2000s, I think I got one in 2003. And I think the first time I got in one was like 2000, I think I got one in 2003. And I think the first time I got in one was like 2000, 2001. And I had one in my basement in 2003. From that time, the fucking whole business has gone like this. Now they're everywhere. Giant tank centers all over the world. There was one in Omaha. I was in Omaha, and this guy was at my show.

He goes, man, I work at a float lab, or I work at a tank place. He's like, we should go. And I was like, let's go now. He was like, let me call the owner. And I got to say this to this at my show. He goes, man, I work at a float lab or I work at a tank place. He's like, we should go. And I was like, let's go now. He was like, let me call the owner. And I got to say this to this owner in Omaha. Guy got off the phone. He's like, we can't go drunk. And I was like, why?

He's like, I think he thinks you're going to pee in it. But yeah, I want to do it bad. Well, you will. You'll do it. I'll have you in like right after it's installed. But so we're getting a new one put in. That's the thing about Crash. He's so crazy.

He's constantly innovating. He's constantly, even if the tank's perfect, he's like, no, no, no. That's the old one, the old version. We've got to get rid of that. We've got to take it out. We've got to upgrade, upgrade everything. He's just nuts with that shit. Wow.

Yeah. He's a mastermind. He's like a real mad scientist genius character when it comes to tanks. Oh, that's I think I could fucking Yeah, I gotta get a tank. You love it, man. I tried to get into TM TM Transcendental Meditation.

Transcendental Meditation. I missed the fucking class. Well, the thing about tanks is you could do all the meditation in tanks, but you have way more disconnection from your body. And I think that's important. It disconnects your mind and your thoughts and your ideas from your physical frame.

Like that's what people are trying to do when they meditate. Like you're trying to sit down in a comfortable spot and just concentrate on your thoughts. And you absolutely can achieve these amazing states of mind in that way. But I feel like those states are elevated Substantially from the tank and everyone I know that disagrees has never done the tank people that have done the tank go Oh, yeah, people that know that meditate and and do the tank as well go. Oh my god. This is a game-changer It's it's just a completely different environment really the people the people that resist that I've talked to a few people that meditate and They're like do you meditate? I'm like yes yes, I do. I meditate in my tank.

And they're like, well, that's not the same thing. I'm like, listen, you fucking hippie. You don't know what you're talking about. I've meditated regular too. I just try it. Have you tried it? No, I haven't. Then shut the fuck up.

Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Because it's a complete naturally occurring psychedelic state. So anybody who's sober, anybody who doesn't want to fuck with drugs, I always tell them, get in that goddamn tank and you'll have a drug experience without any drugs where you don't have to worry about losing your mind, you don't have to worry about addiction, you don't have to

worry about overdosing or getting, you know, someone give you the wrong shit. You can get in that tank and legitimately have a psychedelic experience. Yeah, I gotta try it. You do? Well, the big thing, this is gonna sound, once again, this is gonna sound once again this is gonna sound a lot of my realizations this month are gonna sound very very childish and pedestrian but like

one of my really hard things was going to sleep like i didn't i we call them unassisted sleeps in our house so we go to sleep without drugs or alcohol and i'd had seven this year total i pulled down fucking 13 in a row and and so now the idea of sleep doesn't panic me the way it used to. Like last night I did a podcast with these young ladies, and then I just was like, I'm going to bed now. And I got in bed, and I just closed my eyes. That's crazy. Dude, you're healthy.

I was like, I'm going to bed now. Bert, I'm proud of you. Oh, thanks. I really am. I really am. I really am. This is what you've done is considering your lifestyle and how long you've been doing it that way. It's amazing.

And I know that you, you rise to the challenge of a competition that sort of like motivated you to do it. But not a lot of people would have done it, man. A lot of people would have quit by now. A lot of people would have found some excuses or figured out some way like, oh, it was my friend's birthday. I had to do a shot with him. You know, like there's all sorts of real weird tricks that your mind will play on you to get you

to quit, you know, in a bunch of different ways. But I'm proud of you. You've literally changed your health. You turned your health around in a very short period of time. I appreciate it. Thank you, Joe. I got a lot of those people because a lot of people are doing it with us. I know Will Noonan quit smoking, which is a

big fucking deal. That's a hard one, apparently. Really big. He quit smoking. But it's fun to hear the guys who did fall off. They're like, ah, I was with you until football on Saturday. I'm sorry, brother. And you're like, yeah, I know. I know the feeling. Yeah, I know what it is, too. But you just have to

make a rule, you know, and just try again. You don't, it doesn't have to be sober October. You can do it in November. Yeah. Just, but there's a beautiful thing in having like a set schedule. Tomorrow begins sobriety. I have to do it. I'm going to do it for 30 days.

And if you can do it, look, people prayed for me and now I'm off of marijuana. I'm going right back though. Can't wait. I kind of wish, I think all of us kind of'm going right back though. Can't wait. I kind of wish, I think all of us kind of wish we were all together for that first night. I know. I'm kind of bummed out that you guys are going to be in New Orleans, but we'll come back for another podcast. We'll get Super Jew to get on a plane and come over here and we'll have some fun together.

And by then he'll have already started smoking pot again, so he'll probably be more happy Ari. Oh yeah. Yeah. And we'll be at the new studio too. But yeah, he'll have already started smoking pot again, so he'll probably be more happy, Ari. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And we'll be at the new studio, too. But yeah, we'll do that. We'll all three of us get together and have... We should do...

I don't know if Ari's willing to do yoga after this challenge. I think this challenge might end it for him. You know? Do you think he will? Wait. I love that he calls it a chore. Yeah. I've had to set my alarm because I had a chore today.

Did you listen to his podcast when he was talking about it? I did. I'm a goddamn professional comedian. I'm a Jewish entertainer in New York City. I like to drink and do drugs. This mock anger is so awesome. I was howling, laughing, driving to Zagora's house. I got there.

I go, have you been listening to Ari's podcast he's like the latest one was 35 minutes I go it's 35 minutes of gold for me and you I go I'm not sure if everyone's listening but me and you should listen I think it's meant for us yeah well I'm glad he decided to go with it it's awesome stuff he was the one that said no weed he was the one

he texted me personally he goes personally I don't think you have a problem I love you and if you're gonna do no booze I'm gonna take away the thing He was the one. He texted me personally. He goes, personally, I don't think you have a problem. I love you. And if you're going to do no booze, I'm going to take away the thing I care about, and that's weed. And then he texted that to me, him, and Tom. And then I made that video of me running the thing, and in it, I was like, no weed. And I said it to Tom, and Tom's like, I don't know if Joe knows about no weed yet.

And then you were like, hey, guys, I'm not doing no weed. And then Ari's like, oh, I'll bully him into a corner and see if I can get him to do it. That's hilarious. It wasn't affecting me at all, the bullying. I thought it was hilarious. I thought it was, too. But I was willing to do it because I was like, all right. Well, two things I thought.

One, the optics. It doesn't look good if I'm telling you guys to quit the booze. And then when it comes to the weed, I'm like, no, no, that wasn't a part of the deal. But I'm like, I want people to know that it's not hard to quit weed. It's really easy. And yeah, I know I'm only quitting it for a month, but I'm telling you, it's fucking easy. Like it has literally changed nothing about my life. Like I can do all the same things.

I think marijuana, like anything, can be abused. But I also think it's a valuable tool. And I think as long as you use it as a tool and I think one of the things about this experience I think I'm going to use it more judiciously I'm going to use it less I think

I'm going to be that way with alcohol I want to enjoy it I want it to be part of the party as opposed to it be the thing I want it to be part of the party as opposed to it be the thing. Yeah. Like I want it to like, like, like, uh, like you're the very accurate statement is going out to the patio on the store.

Sometimes you do see something that I was just part of my night was like, do my set go to the patio on the store? Yeah. As opposed to like Burr, I always think Burr uses booze properly. He's like, uh, get done a set and he's like, you want to go have a whiskey? And you go back to that back bar, and you have a whiskey with him, and you talk about something for 30 minutes, not overkill. And he's like, all right, I just made the drive home interesting.

I'm going. Yeah, he's a disciplined guy. He's an interesting guy in that regard. He works really hard. He's very disciplined. But he's also very smart in understanding the trappings, where where things can go wrong yeah he's a wise man he is there's a lot of them out there man you know you just got to find him and cultivate him and we're very lucky very fucking lucky i am i will say me personally i'm very lucky to have the group of friends i have because i go

i look back i remember you telling me a long time ago over a shot of whiskey you don't have to have shitty friends a lot of people like you just be just let them be your friend well you had a few people in your life that were monsters I was not good at uh figuring I remember you were like yours a really good guy with the ice house you're a really good guy and everyone's trying to be your friend just let it happen yeah I'm so protected well you had that one monster in your life and you know once you got rid of him, everything kind of went smoother. And you also realize, oh, other comedians actually want you to succeed. They're not trying to hold you down.

They're not trying to shit on you and literally remove parts of you. They want you to be happy. They want to enhance. Yeah. And then also, you realize that there's beauty in that community of like seeing people succeed and being happy for them. And they're happy for you and you're happy for each other

and everybody can get together and laugh. Yeah. I mean Joey Diaz called me the other night and the fight's on and he goes dog, fuck spots, let's watch a fight. I want to see Muddy Mouse. I saw that. The video of you guys all together and Joey's high as fuck. You know you got to contact Ty. You probably broke the rules by hanging out with Joey.

I definitely thought about that. He's lighting two joints at a time. It's just him. It's just him. He's lighting two joints at a time. Have you seen that video of him, Joey Diaz, talking about his State of the Union address? Talking about making North Korea glow in the dark? Find it.

I think it's on it's on uh we're fucking americans he's wearing a green shirt and i was crying literally tears rolling down my face when i was watching i think it's on the mad flavors world instagram account i know you can find it this is seems like it's pretty show me what show me what you got says october let me see what it looks like yeah that's it he takes the glasses off just play this and we'll go out with this

Bert Kreischer I'm proud of you man we're going to leave you guys with the great and powerful Joey Diaz get up Get up, cocksuckers. It's all over. Listen, we had a rough couple of months. Fucking Katrina's cousin Maria. The other one, Puerto Rico, Houston, fucking Florida.

Listen, it's been tough up to now. The earthquake in Mexico. You know, the White House. Whoever the fuck is going on. But it don't matter. They want to shoot, it's time for us to fucking shoot, cocksuckers. They want to get down and dirty, don't forget who the fuck we are. You understand me?

We're the baddest motherfuckers out there. You send a message to that fucking North Korean, he's going to be sniffing my dick and sucking my asshole. That's the focus. We're going to North Korea in like a year. It's going to be an island. It's going to glow in the dark.

You know why? Because we're Americans, cocksuckers. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Stop with the gun control. They're selling more guns than ever the last three days. Stop with the fucking whining. Stop with the gun control. They're selling more guns than ever the last three days. Stop with the fucking whining. Stop with the Russians on Facebook. I don't give a fuck.

Worry about yourself. Keep your eyes open. And get the fuck off Snapchat and fucking Twitter, cocksucker. Stay black. He is so fucking funny he's the best ever man that's the funniest guy that's ever lived