The Joe Rogan Experience - #1030 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: October 27, 2017

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now” available on Spotify. http://joeydiaz.net

I don't want to be a first adopter. This fucking thing's going to fall apart. Boom joke, dude. Yeah, it's N-Word Live. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Did you really go out and buy one of those iPhones last night? Did you order it?

No, Redman called me and he goes, are you going to get the... Because I asked him a few weeks ago. Called everybody. I went to get the... You know, I don't know anything about computers, so I called Redman. He's my computer guy. So I went to get the iPad, the big one, the nine-inch one. And I asked the lady, because my phone's fucking up already.

She goes, just wait for the eight. So I called Redman about a month ago. He goes, wait. And last night, he called out of the blue and goes, you got to get online at midnight. And I did it. Did you? I did it like an asshole. I just forgot my code.

I got through. I got through the second click. They're like, you're not going to get through second click. Click, boom, order. I ordered the silver, black, bam, bam, bam. And then at the end, I had to get the fucking code for iTunes or Apple. I woke my wife up in the middle of the night and said, get the fuck out of here. So I didn't have the code.

She really did tell me to get the fuck out of here. It's like, are you fucking crazy waking me up at 12.15 for some stupid fucking phone? There's going to be lines around the block at those Apple stores. It's crazy. It's like those sneaker lines when you see those people out to buy sneakers. That's the Supreme lines now. Supreme's got a whole thing with lines. They wait in line for three or four days now.

For what? Almost weekly. For what? I'll show you the shit. You're probably going to freak out when I show you what they're waiting for. Please do. Shovels, bricks, with just the word Supreme written on it. Shovels and bricks?

T-shirts are the main thing. What is Supreme? Exactly. It's a brand. It's a streetwear brand. And people wait in line for bricks? I'll show you. Fucking kids today.

This is what happens when kids don't go outside. They don't play. They don't play sports and they stay at home. They just play video games. It's Nancy Reagan's fault with the Just Say No. These kids smoke dope. They see life for what it is. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna wait in line for an hour for a fucking brick. Look at this.

Supreme Crowbar. They sell a crowbar? Yeah, so the crowbar would just have the name Supreme on it. Okay, who's using that? No one uses it. It's like, it's real. You have to look into the brand

a little bit to understand it, but it's sort of part of the joke almost. They're making parody of the craziness of it all by just throwing their brand name on stuff and people are buying into it. Go back to that other page so supreme with the top 10 non-wearable supreme products jesus christ they have fire extinguishers yeah new chucks but the some of the clothes are cool they have none chucks it's just uh i mean you gotta be really into it and some people are really into it like i said

they wait in line for days a lot of them though are making money off of it because they can buy it for 40 or 50 bucks and flip it for 200 well i don't understand like why is everybody buying this limited limited quantities and whatnot but what is the big deal about supreme i could you have to look into the history of there's some youtube videos you can look up um you sound like eddie bravo gotta look into it hey you have to look it's really hard to explain and i like can't even, it'd take me a half an hour to get into it and I don't want to hijack the show about Supreme right now.

Well, I just, I never, I wasn't aware of this. I thought it was just like a t-shirt. That's where it starts. You saw Josh Martin wears them. He spends a lot of money on them.

He's a fool. Well. He wears those goddamn Yeezys that you wear too. I don't spend that much money on them. I get them for retail. I wouldn't buy them otherwise.

Yeah, Josh Martin is like into every trendy thing. Everything that comes out, he's like way ahead of the curve. That's the Supreme. Target audience. Exactly, exactly. Jesus Christ, Joey. I don't give a fuck.

I didn't know about this. You buy a hammer. It says Supreme on it. The fact they sell nunchucks is hilarious. Supreme nunchucks. Did we wait in line when we were kids for anything? Not for anything. Like last night I was watching something, the real story about the Godfather.

And they showed when they released the Godfather at New York. And there were lines. Yeah, for the movies. For the movies. Yeah, I'm sure I waited in line to go see Star Wars or something. But not three fucking days. No. I never camped out the night before.

No. Not for a hammer. What did they camp out for back then? They camped out for something. Really? I don't know. I feel like the first I ever saw it was iPhones. When the first iPhones were out.

I remember going to the mall and going, what in the fuck am I seeing? And there was a giant line outside the Apple store. And this was like when one of the first iPhones was coming out. And I was like, why are you waiting for a phone? You don't have a phone already? Is this the only way to get the phone? It was all so confusing. But it was a thing where people would wait in line, and then they would look at each other.

And I remember when they were waiting in line for Harry Potter. When Harry Potter was coming out, and people were driving by, and they were yelling out, Dumbledore dies at the end! They were yelling out all these different spoilers. All I typed in was waiting in line for in Google. And the only things that come up are iPhone Supreme and iPhone 8 or gas. Yeah, gas. That's right.

The 70s with the flag. Yeah. Red, green or yellow flag. What was that? There was like in the mid 70s, there was a gas shortage. What was that? There was, like in the mid-70s, there was a gas shortage. So green meant that you got gas if you had an odd number.

Like if your license plate ended in odd. Yellow was even. And then red was shut down, bitch. Oh, yeah, that's right. You remember that? They had the flag, 73 to 75, maybe, something like that. I don't know the exact dates. Then they had a weird line. Studio 54 had a huge line.

But you got picked. Studio 54, the dance club? Yeah, like when Studio 54 was on fire, you showed up and you didn't guarantee to get in. You got picked. Right. The way they do now in Hollywood, like they pick hot chicks. Right. So they pick hot chicks.

What was the thing we were talking about when they won't let a guy in without a chick? There's some formula to go out in clubs in L.A. Yeah, they never would let guys in without chicks. So if you walk into a club with three guys that don't want you, they want the chicks in there first. Yeah. Well, the last thing you want is a sausage fest. Look at all those dudes trying to get in. Look at this.

That was inside. But outside, there'd be a line of people. Oh all those dudes trying to get in. Look at this. That was inside. But outside, there'd be a line of people. Oh, that could be it. No, that's outside. What am I thinking? That's outside. That's outside. Oh, my God.

What a zoo. Just to try to get in. Just to try to get in. What was the big deal about Studio 54? You could snore coke, dance, get your dick sucked, and get your shoes shined all at the same place and be home by six. It was a very, you know what I mean? Everybody went there.

Who was that? Andy Warhol? That's Andy Warhol. Who's the girl? Look at her. She's got a beer bottle in her mouth. Champagne? Champagne, yeah.

It's pretty hot. Fucking Black Sabbath at 54. Look at Mick Jagger's wife dancing with. Andy Warhol. Look at Liza Minnelli behind them. Wow. So it was just like the place to be. It was the place to be.

You could go crazy. How strange. Strange times, huh? But here's the beauty of it. They have a station on Sirius, and it's called Studio 54. You could just put it on on Sunday nights. They do a podcast. And what they do is they interview people that actually used to go there or work there.

And I got to tell you something, Joe. They had a dentist on about a year ago and his wife that it was crazy listening to this interview about what their life was. They were professional dentists making money in New York. They stayed out until 5, 6 every night. Went home, took the kids to school, went back home, took a nap till 1, got up, went to the dental office, worked till 5, went home, took another nap, fed the kids, and at 9 o'clock they'd fucking bring the kids downstairs to their moms

and they'd do it all over again. Five nights a week, over and over. And the lady was saying, not till years later, Liza Minnelli thought I was a publicist. She goes, she didn't know I was a dentist. They just saw you in there. It was all trust funders, you know. That's all the people who can do that type of shit.

Do blow till all hours of the night. You can put it out. They even had an interview about when Bob Hope went to Studio 54. Bob Hope? Bob Hope walked into the studio not knowing what the fuck he was going to, what layer he was going to walk into. He went out to the middle of the floor and started dancing, and these chicks got together and started tying Bob Hope up.

Just tying him around like an Indian. He's just standing there laughing Bob Hope style. Then he's like, is this a fucking joke? They just left him there. They just tied him up and left him there. Tons's like, is this a fucking joke? They just left him there. They just tied him up and left him there. Tons of stories out there like that.

You know, like just, but then it moved on. But you got picked to go in there. How did it move on? Like imagine how weird it must have been

when it finally, the door shut and that was it. The people were, it was their whole life for years. Well, people move on.

You know, clubs get hot, different clubs. I went there one time in 1983, maybe, 84. It was done. It was already done? Yeah, it was done. It was just a bunch of assholes trying to be cool.

Wow. And I found a $100 bill. I was out of money with a bag of blow, no cash, not a dime in my pocket. And I looked down at 4 in the morning it was a hundred dollar bill and that's how i got saved that's how i got home wow that was it that's my studio 54 story it is weird those the nightclub scene the nightclub scene is a very strange scene and one club gets hot and then it dies off and the people that are in that business like try to figure out what makes something hot and what doesn't. You've got to rename places and redo them and reopening and grand reopening

and get people to show up. Like, I remember hearing that they were paying Paris Hilton, like, shit piles of money to just show up at clubs. That's it. The Kardashians, any of those people, they pay a shitload of money. You're there. They take pictures. And your club gets hot. Now, after about a shitload of money. You're there. They take pictures. Your club gets hot.

Now, after about a year, you start taking partners in. Yeah? Sure, because you know it's on the way down. Odds are against you. So after a year, some guy comes in, I love your place. And you're, uh-huh. Go ahead, I'll take half. Give me half.

And that's how you get out of it. Or you do what a lot of people did. They just light the place on fire and start from scratch. A little Jewish lightning and the place starts from scratch. You know, I knew the guy that owned the gay clubs in Houston, like in the 70s. And he was telling me one time, he goes, yeah, once we got our use out of them, you light them on fire. Collect the insurance and then open up another club. That's it.

Jewish lightning. Jesus Christ. It's a weird scene. You know, I mean, people that just look forward to just going out and just drinking and dancing and snorting coke every night, just looking for experience, just something different and wild

that takes them out of their everyday grind and just do it over and over and over again. Over and over and different. Like when I was growing up it was Club Harry. It was big. The rooftop, you paid like 24 bucks to go in at 11 o'clock and you drank all night until 7 and over and different like when i was growing up it was club harry it was big and the rooftop you paid like 24 bucks to go in at 11 o'clock and you drank all night till seven in the morning 24 bucks all you could drink it's shit booze i mean you're not drinking courvoisier and shit right when you're doing blow you're just burning that shit anyway you come out they give you some

sunglasses and that's it if you went in after after 3, it was like 20-something after 11, and then like 17 bucks all you could drink after 3 until 7 in the fucking morning. And people were packed. That's what New York was about back then. It was just people staying out until 7, 6. New York is what, a 4 a.m. last call? When's the last call in New York? I have no idea. Florida, I think it's even later than New York is what? A 4 a.m. last call? When's the last call in New York?

I have no idea. Florida, I think it's even later than New York. Florida, it closes for one hour. Five o'clock in the morning. So let's say you're at the news cafe. Right. And we're bullshitting. We're having a good time.

At five o'clock, they'll come over to you and say, hey, do me a favor. By five o'clock, the bars are going to close. So you can't order beer until six. So we just ordered 25 beers. And you wait until the bar opens at 6, and now you're fucking ready to drink again. It closed for one hour. One hour.

This was back, you know, 20 years ago, 15 years ago in Coventry Grove. What a weird rule. One hour. Remember that place we used to go to? Right down the street from that improv? Yeah, the News Cafe, right? That was a great place. It's a great place.

Great breakfast, great fucking bar. That club went downhill hard, though. Yeah, that club. And that place, well, the whole Coconut Grove area became, the only thing that's still open are the Doolin Pianos, the Pizza Joint, that mall. The Doolin Piano place is still open? Yeah, it's in that little mall there with the movie theater. They always have those right next to Improvs.

Like, they have one in Addison, too, right? Addison, they have one up next to John Lovett's up in Universal. They do? Yeah, they used to. If there's a fucking... What are you pulling up there? Miami has a 24-hour drinking now. Oh, just Miami?

Just in the Miami Entertainment District, it says. Oh, well, that makes sense. It's 4 a.m. Broward County and Key West. Yeah. But a little different everywhere else in Orlando. West Palm well, that makes sense. It's 4 a.m. Broward County and Key West. Yeah. But a little different everywhere else in Orlando. West Palm is where we always worked. We either worked in Miami at the Improv, which is Coconut Grove, or we did West Palm after Joel

opened up that new place, the big giant place. That's a great place. The new place, though, is like a theater. It's like 600 seats. It's fucking huge. I mean, that's a a theater. It's like 600 seats. It's fucking huge. I mean, that's a huge club. It's a great place. And even Fort Lauderdale was a great club.

Inside the casino, which they're redoing over. Oh, yeah? That shut down. Oh, it did? The improv did? That shut down until next year. Yeah, we have no action down there. No kidding.

That was a fun little club. Yeah, it's a fun little club. That's a good size. That one in the Hard Rock is a good size. That's a good size. Last time I was there, there was a couple little club. Yeah, it's a fun little club. That's a good size. That one in the Hard Rock is a good size. That's a good size. Last time I was there, there was a couple next to me that was fucking in the bedroom next to me. And like animals. I mean like fucking animals.

I mean like porno film animals. Like I was lying in bed and I heard, and it was in the afternoon. I was trying to take a nap. And these people were hammering it, just bang, bang, bang. Ah, ah, ah, ah. This guy's just fucking hitting it. I was like, Jesus Christ. That's that fucking Florida Oxycontin dick.

One of those pain relief centers, you take two of those things, you can hit your hammer with a dick ten times. That shit won't go dead. Boss Rootin told a story the other day that I read online on one of those martial arts websites about his addictions to Oxycontin. Yeah, that's a great article. Ooh, scary, scary

shit. Scary shit. Where he was talking about trying to get off of it and how difficult it was. And you're talking about a guy with an iron will will you know and boss rooting imagine the average person who just has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning doesn't have a lot of discipline and they get hooked like that's it that's it you're gone it's fucking amazing that stuff's legal did you watch 60 minutes three weeks ago no that. That was the motherfucker's motherfucker. What was it?

Just about the opioid epidemic and how the DEA stopped prosecuting. The word came from, you know, it's just a nightmare. They're fucking terrible, those things. Listen, those things are terrible. Yeah, there was a whole article recently about the company that sells most of the opiates and the family that's behind that company and how many billions of dollars that they've made off the opiate crisis. Opioid?

Opioid or beard? How do we say it? Opioid. How do we say it wrong? Once that shit grips you, that synthetic heroin, that's what that, right, isn't it? Yeah. Essentially, yeah. It's a bad grip.

Like I said, I took a 16th one night in my living room and I had to lay down and that Right, isn't it? Potentially, yeah. It's a bad grip. Like I said, I took a 16th one night in my living room, and I had to lay down. And that's my whole resume with Oxycontins. And I'm a fucking mule. I can eat 2,000 milligrams of THC and live a 16th of one of those pills. I popped. It was just a little piece, nothing. My blood pressure dropped so fucking much.

I just laid down and went to sleep and I knew my pill career had come to an end. Never even let it start. Really? Never even let it start. Can you believe, brother? In two weeks, it's going to be ten years since I've done that wipeout. I want you to think about that. Wow. Ten years. I want you to really think about it.

I still remember being at Cobb's with you that January and, like, going, it's been two months. I don't know if I could really do this shit. Like, I don't know if I control this feeling. And I controlled it. So you, like, when you quit, what was, like, the first week like? Hell. Hell. First two weeks were hell.

Did you think about going back just like you can't do this? Or did you know you had to make a change I had to make a change I knew that my spine was starting to hurt I knew the spine was starting to hurt. Yeah, I was trying to get jolted Yeah, oh Yes, my four in the morning You know after you do coke oh right at the tip over here a lot of people have done coke get like Parkinson's Yeah, fuck that no no no no once you think that's related well a lot of a lot of old timers that did a lot of coke in the 70s

and then they wound up like some serious neuromuscular muscles absolutely that shocks to your central nervous system there was times i did cocaine that was like electric it was like when you put that thing in your hand or you get electrocuted, you could feel the electric in your body the next day, like that zzz, zzz, zzz in your brain. You could actually see the neurotransmitters are fucking on fire. You could feel that.

I could tell when I would go on stage after doing two or three nights of blow that week. I had no control. I really had no control over my material week i had no control i really had no control over my material i had no control over my delivery that's what i wanted to tell you like you're just the way you communicate is off yeah your mind can't grip it you can't sell the joke the facial doesn't connect with the hand movement or the breathing like, I knew that that was always going to be a danger in the future. Now, you know, I take all that for like a year.

I drank those, what's your buddy's name that makes the neurosurgeon milkshakes? The football player that fucking beat the guy up, Romanowski. Oh, Romanowski. I took all his stuff for like a year just to. Did you? Yeah, the orange drink and stuff. Neuro one, that stuff neuro one that stuff is that helpful yeah it felt good it felt a lot better i do it give your brain some nutrients

some control yeah but 10 years i mean that that uh i had to do a benefit in hoboken and i had gotten high like that whole summer i tried to get off coke i was doing the heroin i was trying to get off the coke and shit and then then that September I ran out of heroin. So I was doing it like maybe once a week. And the whole thing went down in Maryland. I knew I had to stop. And then I had this thing in Hoboken. The whole thing went down in Maryland?

Martinez? When she died? Yeah, she was dying. I went back east that week. And she was dying. I don't know what happened. It was like, you know what? I was trying to get coke on Friday night. I couldn't get it and I It was like, you know what? I was trying to get coke on Friday night. I couldn't get it, and I just took it for what it was. I was trying to get coke on Saturday. I couldn't get it, so fuck it. I took the plane back Sunday.

I couldn't get it here. Something happened. I couldn't get it. And then that Monday, I had a meeting to do a movie, and at the end of the meeting, the guy said, Listen, man, we know about your drug problem. So before you say yes, we want you to think about this because you can't miss a day on this movie.

You cannot be late. If you're late, the whole movie can't shoot because it was a cast. We all shot in one room. It was an AA meeting. So I thought about it. I'll do it. And that was the roughest fucking month ever because I was just going home, and before 8 o'clock would start, I would just go to bed because 8 o'clock was my cocaine time.

That's when my body would start to ache. That's when I couldn't even. You could be telling me the most important thing in your life and I'd be watching you, but I couldn't hear. All my mind was focusing on was getting that blow at 8 o'clock. And then I would figure out how to get the $60. I'm going to go to the ATM machine. I would shoot over to Rock and Roll Rouse. There's that ATM machine in front of Rock and Roll Rouse right there.

And I would take $60 out there. Dog, I would run every red light to get to that ATM machine. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. And then from there, I would just make the U-turn, go to my dealer's house, go home and leave the Coke there. And now I was ready for the night. I was in peace just knowing that the Coke

was at the house. I didn't have to do it. You know, I've never been physically addicted to something in a way where I had a hard time kicking it, but I've had some psychological addictions for sure. And I think that one of the things that I've gotten out of this month of the Sober October thing that Tom, Bert, and Ari and I are doing is that a lot of it is psychological. A lot of it is psychological.

Because just knowing that we can't smoke pot or can't drink all month, you start thinking about, oh, we're at the home stretch, November 1st, we're on the corner. I don't really feel like I need to get high. It's not like I need a drink tomorrow. But it's knowing that I can't do it for the month where it hangs over your head. So that's what's even more impressive that you could kick it. Because it's not just the fact that you have like a physical problem. But you also have this psychological problem. Like the psychological part of it is like it's it's a pattern that you're comfortable with

You got used to that pattern of eight o'clock. You're looking for the coke you go and do it and then you're off It's like you're off even though you're you're in chaos your life's in disarray and you're in the grips of addiction You're comfortable with that feeling you've been there before and you're but for whatever reason when people get used to fucking up and they go Why do I keep fucking up one of the reasons you keep fucking up because you're used to fucking and it's not an uncomfortable feeling in the sense that it's it's you know it it might suck but you know it's the devil you know you know that was nice I didn't want to do it I still did it you understand me I didn't want to do it like I didn't need to do it like I

feel I just want to do it but it didn't need to do it. I didn't feel. I just wanted to do it. But it was just something to do. It was just something to do. Wow. It was just something to do. But what I tell people all the time is you want to have to quit. It just doesn't happen.

I quit at 44. I'm no fucking genius. But it took me two years. It was a two-year struggle, like a personal little struggle. When did you know that you were free? Because you didn't go to AA? No. Or narcotics and all that?

I went to one meeting, an AA meeting. I went in Hollywood, which everything is good until you go to it in Hollywood. Because in Hollywood, you add the dramatic and the actor image to it. If you go to an AA meeting in Jersey, they're in there smoking Camel Reds,

fucking talking from the heart. You go to an AA meeting in Hollywood, you got people with AA tattoos on their arms, hugging each other. You know, it's a fucking jamboree. They're just happy to be in AA. Like it's a new clan that they're in. And then what happens is,

after about two months in this area for some reason, I've noticed, because I have a lot of friends in AA. It's a new clan that they're in. And then what happens is after about two months in this area for some reason, I've noticed because I have a lot of friends in AA, somebody approaches you and says, hi, what's going on? And you're like, I'm struggling. They're like, why have you seen Dr. Bob? They're like, Dr. Bob? I'm just making this name up.

They're like, Dr. Bob? Oh my God. Tell him about Dr. Bob. Tell Joe about Dr. Bob. Oh, Dr. Bob has changed your whole life. So basically, you'll see Dr. Bob. He gives you a bullshit referendum, whatever. Prescription? What you have. Oh, you're bipolar.

Diagnosis, right? You're this. Now they start shooting Adderall at you. Oh, the other shit at you. So you're really not sober. You're really not sober. You see, now after I got clean, I discovered I had a problem. I discovered I was bipolar or Johnny Gubatz or this or that or this.

Now that medication they give you, you know, on top of the opiate epidemic, how bad a fucking Adderall? Adderall is sober. How fucked up is Adderall? We have someone every month that's on Adderall when they're doing the podcast. And you can tell? Yes. They can't shut the fuck up.

They talk at a very fast pace. They're really excited. They've got a little bit too much energy. There's something about them that you just know. And you just like, you could tell. You're like, whoa, whoa, slow down. Sometimes I'll offer them a drink. I mean, I've had people on the podcast where I tried to figure out what the fuck was going on.

And then later on in the podcast, they told me they did Adderall and I was like okay all right now I get it all right now I know where all this tension is crazy chick we knew that used to take two Adderalls and fucking the chicken West Palm or something used to drink oh dude everybody does do you know how many people do it no I'm getting stunned all my like the families that I know like with my kids are friends with their their kids And I get to know these people Fucking these all these like successful Suburban people are doing Adderall all the time. That's how they get through work. That's how they become successful They're always hustling. They're always getting things done and these motherfuckers. They always want the newest shit

They want the newest watch. Oh, is that the newest Hubol? Is that the newest this? Is that the newest that? Oh, he's got the Mercedes AMG. Oh, look, he's got this. And she's bought a house in the Oaks. Oh, you know, look at this.

And she's got a that. And look at that purse. Where'd you get that? I heard that's a Hermes. Oh, you can't get those. All they're doing is like chasing after these things so they can go places and other people will look at this new thing that they have. It's very strange. It's like there's one thing like if you know someone who like collects a certain thing, like they're, you know, we're really into fucking whatever it is.

Old samurai swords or something like that. They love the history of it. That's not what these people are doing. old samurai swords or something like that. They love the history of it. That's not what these people are doing. They're buying things so they could bring places and other people would go, ooh. So they get a feeling, like a feeling of, I guess, a successful feeling.

They get a feeling from other people recognizing that they have the latest thing. Like, oh, where'd you get that jacket? Oh, look at that purse. Oh, look at that chain. How many carrots is that? Ring. Let me see your your ring Oh girlfriend, let me see your ring amazing. It's so cute. Those shoes are so cute Oh my god, so cute and they're just like weird fucking just Pilled up people what weirdo speed it up people that are like chasing after the next object It's a very it's a very

strange and they don't talk about shit i get together with these people you know because we'll have dinners together or our families will get together the kids will play we'll go to a party together and you know a good 20 of these people do not talk about shit all they talk about is objects they talk about this object and that object and how much this is worth and how much real estate's going for here. And that's the whole focus of conversation. It's like an anti-human conversation

because they're not talking about anything human. They're not talking about the community, what they love about life and their experiences as a parent and none of that, man. A lot of them don't even pay attention to their kids. They go and drink and leave the kids outside and the kids are just fucking hitting other kids with sticks and shit and going nutty.

And then when they come out, no, my kid's a good kid. He doesn't do that. And then go back inside and drink more. And it's like crazy. It's really interesting to see. drink more and it's like crazy it's really interesting to see it's like the things that fuel success in a lot of people are in a lot of these folks it's like this this need for material possessions and then pills and this is this is what's going on you didn't come you and i didn't come from the best home conditions available to us you know i mean you mean, you didn't have the fucking Brady Bunch in your house.

I'm not insulting you. No, no, you're right. I'm just saying that you had to deliver papers, and your mother had to work, and Lou, and the whole fucking thing. Do you ever sit there sometimes at one of these fucking parties with these people who have everything? Yeah. Everything we didn't have.

And you're like, my parents were 20 times better than these fucking people as a parent. Yeah. Like, I'm sitting there every day now that I'm a parent. I go to pools. I go to gymnastics. Tonight I got a fucking recital. I mean, I have to do this. Right.

I don't know who the fucking part of my, I am. But I see these people that do this shit, and I'm like, my mother was a fucking bookie. My mother owned a bar, and she was a drunk, and she was a way better parent than these fucking guys. Because she was there. Is that what it is? I think what we're talking about with this pill thing, there's a lot of people that are on antidepressants. There's a lot of people that are on Adderall.

There's a lot of people that are on Xanax. There's a lot of people that are on a lot of weird disassociatives. And these disassociative pills, you see it in how they interact with their children they just they just zone out they're not there even if you're like stressed out about your kid you're interacting with your kid at least the kid knows you're communicating with them the kids probably not happy

that you're stressed out but at least you're there when you're zoned out on pills and staring at the fucking clouds it's just it's just not it's not a good way for human beings to interact with each other where you're hopped up on some weird shit and i think i mean i don't know what the actual numbers are but in the communities that i associate with i would say a good solid half of these fucking people are pilled up a good solid half they're either pilled up on xanax what's really hilarious is i've talked to some of these fucking people are pilled up. A good solid half. They're either pilled up on Xanax. What's really hilarious is I've talked to some of these people, and they're like, I don't know how you smoke pot every day.

I'm like, bitch, you take a Xanax every morning. Every morning you take a Xanax. I know a lady who takes a Xanax every time she gets in her car. She's like, there's too much traffic. Boop. Pops a Xanax. For traffic, they pop a Xanax to go to sleep. They pop a Xanax because they have to fly. Oh, I have to fly. I need a Xanax. For traffic, they pop a Xanax to go to sleep. They pop a Xanax because they have to fly.

Oh, I have to fly. I need a Xanax. I need an edible. Yeah. For those four-hour flights, I just can't sit there no more. Well, those edibles make you think about the universe. I mean, people say, oh, that's an excuse. And I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here.

It's a different thing. It's a different thing, though. When I have mercy in the morning, I don't fucking get high. Like, I don't get high. Like, I have her in the morning before school, and I drive. I try to, because I got to walk into school, so I don't want to reek don't get high like I have her in the morning before school and I drive I try to because I gotta walk into school right on a reek like it they already warned me one time they wanted you smell like I want to pick her up and one of the teachers came on she was a little last Friday you were kicking you were plunging last Friday so I can't embarrass

my daughter so I try that was it that was it once they said it that's funny then the afternoons you know know, I take my chances. I get high. I go to the gymnast class or the swimming or the ballet or whatever the fuck we have to do. And then after that, you know, I'm out with my friends or doing a podcast or doing comedy. So, but I don't have beer in my house, Joe Rogan. You don't really drink. You've never been.

I don't want alcohol in my house. Not that I have a child. I don't want alcohol in my head. I don't want alcohol in my house. Not that I have a child. I don't want alcohol in my house. Well, I'll tell you what. If there was one thing that I could kick that, you know, like this sober October shit, like if I had to choose, like for the rest of my life, no booze or no pot, I would say no booze in a heartbeat. Yeah, but I like a cold Heineken once a month.

Oh, a cold, cold Heineken once a month is fucking delicious. But I get something out of pot. I get like sensitivity. I get community. I get compassion. I get introspective thinking. I start,

I examine myself more. I become more humble. I get something out of it. I get like real benefits out of pot. Like a lot of the benefits that some people would call paranoia or, you know, that people uh they freak out because you know they think the

walls are closing in i love that yeah it's good for you i love that i live in that world i fucking love it i love somebody telling me i'm a loser get it together makes you haven't done dick today get out of fucking you watch tv uh i'll tell you what I'm proud of. I'm very proud of Burt Kreischer. For kicking the booze this month? Very. And listen, this is what people don't know. I hope he stays off of it.

Well. Or at least regulates it. What do you think a rehab is? You put these guys in rehab this month. Pretty much, right? What do you think a rehab is? A rehab is just to let you know where you stand. 60 days of you not doing a certain something makes you know where you stand.

And sometimes you go, you know what, Joe Rogan, I'm not going to smoke pot, but I'm going to have my drink twice a week. That's cool too. Bert has a problem flying. He likes to fucking get twisted. But Bert's what you call a social drinker. It's in fucking Florida. They wake up, they have their little fucking cocktail.

Whatever. Then they take a nap. They go to the beach. You and I don't know that life. I've never lived that life of drinking all day and then taking a nap. Bert's a real soldier, you know. Bert's not fucking around. Bert's not an amateur show. Bert's the real deal. I saw him running a couple

days. I saw him running. I threw my car at him one day. He was running at me and shit with his little thing. I just took the car and just started going at him. And he's like, and all of a sudden he looked at me. He's like, ah, because he's in my neighborhood. So I watched him a lot. I went over there. I tried to get him high.

He wouldn't fold. So I'm really proud of him. He was going to bring drug tests the other day. I'm really proud of him. He was going to bring drug tests the other day. I was on number 13, I think, and they were on number 14. And Ari was going to stop at CVS and pick up those marijuana tests. But he just didn't have the time.

No, I'm very proud of Bert. And all this is going to let you do, look, even you with the reefer now, it's going to let you know that you didn't have to smoke. It's like when I went to prison. The hardest thing about prison wasn't going to prison, you know. It was how am I going to live without my marijuana? Really? How am I going to fucking sleep? I wasn't worried about nothing else in prison except marijuana.

Did you get any in prison? No. You could. Fifty bucks for two joints. Brown weed. I wasn't doing that. But after the first week, you learn about yourself. You learn that you can go without, which is one of the strongest things that can happen to somebody. It's like when you're in love with that girl and you're destroying your life. You quit your job and you drink and you act like an asshole. And then she goes away to Hawaii for two weeks.

After 10 days, you're like, fuck that bitch. When do you think people get divorced? When their wives leave for 10 days. Yeah. Their wife goes back to see the mother, and you're sitting there going, why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?

I'm much happier in this house. I can put her in the back somewhere and not see. You know, that's what happens. When you realize you can do without, that's one of the biggest things in your world that could happen to you. You have no idea. Well, you don't think you could do without in the beginning because you think maybe you could possibly get her back. If you can get her back, everything's going to be good. You got this bad feeling because she's thinking about leaving. You're like, oh no, she's going to leave me.

Maybe I could talk her back in. Maybe I could buy her something. Maybe I could do something. Maybe we could change my ways and I'll bring her back and I'll bring her something. Maybe I could do something. Maybe we could change my ways. And I'll bring her back. And I'll bring her back. And everything's going to be fine. But everything is fine. And if she leaves, you'll just meet somebody else. That's it. Just come on. Relax. It's like when I gave up sodas.

I never thought I could give up a Coke. Are you fucking crazy? Do you like those Zevias? Do you like those things? What Zevia? Jamie, go get him something. What's a Zevia? Zevia.

They're sodas that are flavored with Stevia. People think I'm doing a fucking commercial for these things. They haven't paid me a nickel. I'm not taking any of their money. They're soda, but they're flavored with Stevia. No shit? No sugar at all. Coca-Cola?

They have like raspberry. They have root beers. They have like ones that's like a 7-Up. They have ones that's like a 7-Up. They have one that's like a grapefruit soda. They have a bunch of different ones, man. They're fucking great. I love them. I'm so hooked on water now. I don't give a fuck. Water's great, too. I don't give a fuck anymore.

I drink the shit out of these stupid things, though. Oh, they do have a cola one, right? Yeah. Give them that cream soda. That one's the shit. That right there. Bam. Diet cola. Diet Coke sucks. About a month ago, I was on a plane, and I was a little loopy, and I just said, let me try a Coke. I go, let me get a Coke. I couldn't even finish the little fucking eight-ounce glass.

It was too sweet. Oh, I had some the other day accidentally. It was a late-night drive-thru. I was starving, coming home from the store, and I got a burger. And I asked for a Diet Coke, and they gave me a regular Coke. And I went, oh, this is so good. It was so delicious. Once a month, I'm going to give myself a Coke, an actual Coca-Cola once a month.

And they get the Mexican ones with the real. Yeah. You got to go to like a taco joint for those, right? Yeah, Cactus. Go to Cactus on where you guys usually go right there. They're fucking good. But once you realize, like, you know, I grew up in Jersey. I get a sandwich, I get a bag of chips. Right.

It's not the sandwich that kills you. It's the bag of chips. If I have a turkey with Swiss and avocado, I'm not going to fucking die. It's the fucking 22-ounce bag of chips. All those things, once you give them up, like I had to give them up with Weight Watchers, they were tough. Potatoes were breakfast. That was tough? That was tough. Potatoes were breakfast. That was tough?

That was tough. That fills you up. For me, when switching over to in and out and getting a double-double with the lettuce, with lettuce wrapping on the top of it instead of buns. Gorilla style, whatever that is. It's called protein style? Protein style. That's the way to go.

Because you still enjoy the shit out of it. It tastes amazing. But you're not getting all that bread. It's still fantastic. And it's really not bad for you. I mean, it's just ground beef, cheese, lettuce. I mean, there's nothing

terrible for you there. I just think that, you know, when you spend too much time eating shitty food, your body is going to just feel terrible. But if you can just limit that shitty food to occasionally, then you'll appreciate and enjoy it just for fun. Have a meatball sub.

You know? Yeah, every now and then. You know, cavarettas? You ever go to cavarettas out here? Yeah, a few. Yeah. That fucking place is so good. I get a sausage and pepper sub there every now and then.

With real Italian bread. I mean, it's a fucking thick, outer crust Italian bread. I mean, it's a fucking thick, outer crust Italian bread where you clamp it down and it's hard on the outside but soft on the inside and you bite into that and you feel that real juicy Italian sausage

and that marinara sauce. I got two weeks. I got two weeks. Two weeks? I go home in two weeks. Oh, you're going home in two weeks. I save everything for when I go home. I don't fuck around no more.

I don't eat Chinese food out here no more. I don't do none of that shit out here no more. What about pizza? Do you fuck around with pizza? Why? I got a place by my house. I got to tell you something. If I walk in there with you, you'll drive down.

Really? Yeah, it's that good. Is that good? Don't take the pie to go. No? You got to eat it there? You got to eat it there. You got to eat it crisp. Just sliced. You got to get the slices that are rotating.'t take the pie to go. No? You got to eat it there? You got to eat it there. You got to eat it crisp.

Just sliced. You got to get the slices that are rotating. You bring that pie home, it's like a fucking falafel. Like, you got to bring it home and put it in your oven all over again. That's the secret. Like, you have to put it in your oven all over again. You know what no one does right here? White pizza.

No. Because no one's Catholic. There was a fucking, there was a pizza place in White Plains, New York, down the street from Executive Billiards. I think it was Nicky's, Nicky's Pizzeria. And they had this fucking white cheese slice, this white pizza slice with, and it had like, you could see the olive oil and butter in the pizza and the garlic. And you would bite into it and you'd be like, holy Christ. And you would bite into it, and you'd be like, holy Christ. And the crust of the pizza underneath is just like just the right amount of cooked,

where there was like a little bit of just a slight burn to the crust. And you're biting into it, and you're just feeling the cheese and the dough and all the sauces and the whoo. Oh, with some fucking during Lent when you grow up back then, you go to your friend's house on Friday, and they get like mussels and red sauce. Nicky's, that's some fucking... During Lent, when you grow up back then, you go to your friend's house on Friday and they get, like, mussels and red sauce. Nicky's, that's the place. And white fucking pizza. We'd walk to that place right from Executive Billiards,

right down the street. Fucking phenomenal place. Saw a good street fight there once. And that's what... And here's the other thing that bothers me the most. You know the slices? You know the fucking slices? Yeah.

Is a move. A slice is a thing of a move. Okay? What's a slice of a move? A slice of a move is you mean you're on the fucking move. When I come in to see Joe's Pizza and I go, oh, let me get two cheese to go. And you give them to me and I fold them up. I eat one there.

And you take one with you? And one to go. Go get a slice in Hollywood somewhere. What happens? They take it. They write a receipt. They hang them up. I eat one there. And you take one with you? And one to go. Go get a slice in Hollywood somewhere. What happens? They take it. They write a receipt. They hang it up. And some other guy comes, takes the slice out, puts it in.

You have to wait for 10 minutes. Then they come with a number and they give you the fucking slice. Listen, do it all one shot. Use your dirty hands. It ain't going to kill me. It ain't going to kill me. I don't give a fuck if you scratch your ass. Throw the fuck, the heat from the oven, it'll kill the germs.

You know what I'm saying? Just throw the slicing. Everything's a process. A slice, that's the whole thing. Everything's corporate. Yeah, it's a move. I don't like that shit. I know what you mean. Everything has become corporate. And these places, you're never gonna get that old, small restaurant feel from a place like

this that you'll get from a place like Nicky's Pizzeria. The flavors are different. We've talked about this before. I don't know what it is, and I've heard people say it's the water, but whatever it is. The place down the block from Gotham, that's where I can do Gotham. I'll show you the slice right here. I even took a picture of it.

They got a sausage tromboli in there. That'll make your asshole fall out. You understand? I just took a bite of it. I won't eat a whole stromboli. That's a heart attack at night. That's a delicious meal. What, a stromboli?

Yeah, but that's a heart attack. You know who else got a good stromboli? I heard. Vegas. Vegas? I heard there's a place in Vegas that you got a Stromboli and they have couches in the back. Well, they must have leftover—if we take a nap. Yeah, if we take a nap.

I swear to God. They must have leftover guineas from when the mob ran Vegas, right? You used to go to a place that Eppley used to take you to, the Italian pool place. Oh, yeah, that place went under, unfortunately. Did it? Yeah, it did. That place was sensational. That place went under, unfortunately. Did it? Yeah, it did. That place was fantastic. That was some of the best Italian food in Vegas,

and you would get it at a pool hall. It was so weird. Look how beautiful that slice is. It looks good. Look at the fucking sauces from Boli my niece got. That's like a florist. Yeah, this is a hard attack. Pictures of beautiful flowers.

Oh, no, no, dog. This is Dos Hermanos Cuban restaurant. They've been serving Cuban steak sandwiches since 1960. Wow. That's all they do. That's all they do. Cuban steak sandwiches. Where's that place?

West New York, New Jersey. Wow. That's the place. You took pictures of pizza. Bro, that's beauty. That's Mona Lisa in my world. Look at the stromboli. Look at the counter.

Look at the fucking stromboli. Look at the counter. His phone is filled with pictures of food. Look at the stromboli. Look at the counter. Look at the fucking stromboli. Look at the counter. His phone is filled with pictures of food. Lobster tails. The one from Jersey with the cream in them. This place here, you can't all those Italian fucking cookies. Look at that.

Look at that fucking, what is that? What do you call those? Cannolis, right? Yeah, cannolis. Look at that fucking cannoli. Oh my God. You get more. I don't take pictures of my kids. I take pictures of food. Fuck the kid.

Give me pictures of food. It's all food. It's all pastries. Every time I go to New York, I just take pictures so I can show people here what they're missing. Like, this is what. Doing this yoga thing where I did nine, ten yoga classes in a row, whatever it was. I think it was ten.

I'm hungry all the time because I'm doing 90 minutes of yoga every day. Every single day. Not a day off for nine days or whatever it was. Let's say it was nine. But even if it was nine, I took a day off before that and I did two days in a row. So it's like over the last couple of days or last couple of weeks, it was 11 classes, mostly in a row. And just always hungry, just constantly hungry. Like your body's just craving it.

And so I've been eating all sorts of shit that I never allowed myself to eat. Like late night, like grabbing a burger. I had a Wendy's burger last night coming home from the store not good for you but felt good well you burn right through that i do work out a lot you burn right through that still not the smartest thing to do just not i feel so much better when i don't do that when i just limit myself to that like once a week i feel so much better but i just i i don't I don't necessarily think it's good to do anything nine days in a row I just feel like your body is just like I've got a weird hamstring pull that's going on right now and you just everything feels like a little worn out

you didn't run this month I didn't run but one one day the first week of the month I did I'd lifted weights a couple times here and there but but almost the entire month has been yoga. So far, I went to eight jiu-jitsu's. Eight? You know, when I go on the road, I do elliptical and the weights, and then I do this little fucking kettlebell crawl, little steel back in my

backyard, just to get that hip thing going, so I laid this little thing. Is that Alberto Galazzi stuff? No, I decided, like, somebody told me to crawl and I started crawling like you're in the army like in your backyard and I started crawling. I fucking love it. Just crawl around your yard? Yeah just crawl around pull yourself on your hips and shit do all this shit

on your elbows. I like it so I've been doing that. Well when the gym's installed the gym's going to be installed here in two weeks. You got to come by we'll do a workout. No I want you to teach me the darts and all that stuff. Okay. the darts and all that stuff okay half guard and all that stuff okay great sure that's great that you got this place this is a fucking big place crazy place right but it's this place we're going to do all kinds of stuff here

we're going to um have it set up where people could follow along workouts i'm going to get someone to to like guide us through a workout and like i'll say hey everybody grab a 35 pound kettlebell we're going to go through this like that keith weber guy that i've had on before keith weber i'll get him to come up here and teach that extreme kettlebell extreme cardio workout it's a fucking phenomenal workout that you could do with one 35 pound kettlebell and you'll pick up a 35 pound kettlebell you're like what a fucking workout i'm gonna get with this little weight that does it five minutes in you'll be dying. Guaranteed. 100%. Even if you're in good shape.

It's hard. If you're not used to that workout, it is fucking hard. And by the time the thing's over, my legs are on fire. Just 35 pounds? 35 pounds. And what kind of shit are you doing? Oh, clean presses over and over again. Hot potatoes back and forth.

Renegade rows. You're doing a push-up with one hand on the kettlebell, switch to the other side, push up with the other one, doing them, passing in between your legs. And you're going one after the other, one after the other, windmills, over and over, clean press, snatches. And you're doing these in succession over and over again. Switch to this side, switch to the other side, 10 on this side, 10 on that side. You know, and we're talking about like a 45-minute workout.

We have them. You can buy them all over the places workout. We have them. You can, you could buy them all over the places, but we haven't on it. He's got three of them out, three different workouts. They're fucking crazy DVDs. I mean, this, this guy's, he's a trainer up in Canada and he's just in tremendous shape, but the videos are so good because it's one of the few videos where a lot of these kettlebell workout videos, like people are teaching you proper form, which is all important. You know know it's real important to like learn proper form learn where to keep keep the weight balanced keep your weight in your heels and keep your feet flat

on the ground all the different things that they want you to stress about various individual movements but keith weber's like you better know all that shit because we're just going to take you through a radical workout like ready here we go boom and he's doing it all with you he's doing it on the beach it's awesome pretty crazy shit

the other guy's good too from Alberto he's good too he's got a nice little workout in the mornings oh yeah that kettle jiu jitsu

guy that guy that guy packs up at 530 530 AM I watch it online 530 AM 530 AM

he's got like fucking a stack of people in there and then they go right to jiu jitsuitsu at 6.30. How great will it be to show up? I got to get up at 3 a.m. Yeah, that's hard.

To be ready at 5.30 for that type of shit. Have coffee. I got to have coffee, smoke pot, have a protein shake, ride a little bit. Just so not to think. Get your brain fired up. Yeah, I'll have a heart attack. I just can't get up and go over that. The good thing about doing a workout like that before jiu-jitsu

is that you'll approach jiu-jitsu like light. Is this him, Kettle Jitsu? Yeah, he's got a good program. He's doing hip escapes. He's calling it snake moves while he's holding onto a kettlebell at the same time. That's phenomenal for your core. These rocking chair get-ups. You know what I really like, man?

I do these sit-ups with kettlebells where I put two 55-pound kettlebells or 50-pound kettlebells over my feet. I put my feet through the handles, and then I put two in my hands, and I lay back on my back, and I press them up, and then I sit up with them pressed up. And I do my sit-ups that way. And it just makes your core, your ab muscles just so goddamn strong. I get the 25 you give me.

I don't tie my feet. And what I do is I go back, and then when I go this way, I do like a fucking burpee to get my legs going. Oh, that's great. That one's a little too rough on my back, but I do that. And then stand back up all the way up? No. No.

I just boom, bam, and then go back, and then boom, bam. At least it's like I'm getting onto a table. That's what I'm doing, getting to a table. I wanted the strength and all that shit, and it helped me strengthen my back doing all that stuff. Those are great workouts because it's not like a glamorous thing where it pumps you up, it gives you big, it makes you look jacked, but it's just great for your body.

It's just great for your circulation. I throw the bag in there. Oh, yeah? So to warm up, I open up with the bag. Very lightly, five minutes close distance, then spread out, punches, blah, blah, blah. Just get everything moving. Then push-ups, stretches.

Once you do 20 minutes of that, then I start doing my stretches to really get the muscle warm. Then I go back. Now I start throwing kicks. That kills Uncle Joey. Once I start throwing kicks. That kills Uncle Joey. Once I start throwing the kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, then I crawl. Then I do my cleans. I do all the Alberto Galazzi stuff with a 15-pounder now.

Instead of using the kettlebells for swings, they were in the middle of my back. I use two 15s. I turn my arms, and I go up, boom, catch them. Oh, so you're using the clubs? Yeah, yeah. I got them from Onnit, man. catch them. Oh, so you're using the clubs? Yeah, yeah. I got them from Onnit, man. They hooked me up. So they're fucking great.

Do you ever do Turkish get-ups? I do up to a degree. So I take the 10, the 8, whatever it is, boom, boom, boom. And then I do like a table instead of getting all the way up. Oh, that's good. Yeah, no, no, no. I got palms on my knees. It's all, yeah, no, no. I got palms on my knees. It's all...

Right. Yeah, no, no. I do it. I like all that stuff. Any of that stuff, like when you're lying down on your back and you're pressing something up and even just getting up to your knee,

it's all just about, like, strengthening your core, you know? Do you do anything for your legs? Like, do you do, like, body weight squats for your legs? Squats? The goblets? You don't have to do it with weight, even.

Okay, I do it. I start with nothing, and then I work myself up to a 35 goblet. And then I do. You know what, man? My knees are kind of funky. Yeah, you've always had some knee issues, right? The left one, the right one now is a little funky, so

I stop with the swings. I love cleans with kettlebells. That's my shit. So I like the combination clean, put my hand out and squat. Oh, those are great. And then I do another clean, squat, and I do five on each side. Now, does anybody run you through a program, or do you just come up with this on your own? Whoever I've worked with.

Oh, so they told you stuff. I take the best of what they got. And then you just decide to do whatever you want on your own. Yeah, Alberto is there. My wife got me a bag for Christmas. I got two kettle balls from you. Do you want to join us if we do some sort of a challenge, some next level challenge, some next thing? You want to join in?

Like what kind of thing? I don't know. I don't know. I'm just thinking. This is one of the things that I've realized from doing the 15 yoga classes. I would fucking never do nine yoga classes in a row like that. I would never do nine days in a row unless I said I was fucking never do nine yoga classes in a row like that. I would never do nine days in a row unless I said I was going to do it. But once you say you're going to do

something and you do it, it's not that hard. It just, you just wind up doing it. You know, like you have to do it. Like my alarm goes off at seven. I'm out the door. I get to the class. I do the fucking 90 minute class and then I'm done. And then I go do my shit. And then I know the next day when I'm getting, it doesn't matter if I get home from the store at 1 o'clock in the morning. My alarm's going off at 7. I'm getting up. I'm having a cup of coffee. I go there fasted.

I just have coffee. You work out early? Yeah. See, I don't like getting up and working out. I'm good about 11 to 12. Well, I have an 11 o'clock podcast a lot of times. Like, today's an 11 o'clock podcast. So I'm up.

You know, I already got a 90-minute workout in. I come here, you know, stop at like Whole Foods or something like that, get a coconut milk, eat something good. I got the coconut milk now, and I mix it with the acai vanilla. Jesus Christ, it's delicious. A couple ice cubes. Yeah, I never liked the acai vanilla, but they ran out of chocolate. Yeah, and they started sending it to me,

and I'm like, beggars can't be choosy. Good googly boogly. It's very good. It's very good. You know, the good thing about that hemp force protein is it's very little sugar. That's why I use it in the morning. Two scoops, water, ice.

A couple grams of sugar per serving. That's it. Sometimes coconut milk. Yeah. No, I like it. I like that one. I don't mind doing a challenge. Here's the problem, Joe Rogan.

Here's the problem, what happens that a lot of people don't realize. I go to jiu-jitsu, right? Let's say I go to Alberto's, right? Alberto's has some fucking killers in there. So I'll do the break the guard, pass the guard, right? A couple of those, and then we start rolling. Well, a guy like me, an older guy, starts rolling, and after the second five-minute roll, he's opened up.

He's, oh, I'm open. Like, I call Dolce. I'm like, Dolce, what's my problem, bro? How come I'm not breathing? He goes, you know how many guys go into the octagon and I got to work them out in the back for 45 minutes before because they can't breathe either? It's just, just go with it. So if I do more than those two rolls, it's a law of diminution returns. I really can't walk the next day. It's hard. But you got to build up with it. So if I do more than those two rows, it's a law of diminution returns. I really can't walk the next day.

It's hard. But you've got to build up to it. You've got to build up to it. So that's why I like this other guy in a way because you work. One day you drill. One day you work. I could do weight shit. I like weight shit.

I was thinking of joining your buddy's gym for a really good workout, Terry Norris. Mm-hmm. Terry? If that's the one in Studio City. Terry Norris or Terry Claiborne? Terry Claiborne is the guy

I used to train with who's in Hollywood. No, this is Terry Norris. Terry Norris is the former boxer? Yeah, he's in Burbank. Is he really? Fuck yeah. He has a group on

for like 30 visits for like $22. So he's like teaching people how to box? Yeah. Is he really? Fuck yeah. He has a Groupon for like 30 visits for like $22. So he's like teaching people how to box? Yeah. Terry Norris was a motherfucker. Little corner store. It's up the corner from a famous bodybuilding gym. But it's right there up the corner from, there's a fucking great restaurant there,

breakfast restaurant. And he's right there. How is he like talking and everything? Because they had a thing on him on television he's having some issues i think his his wife is there yeah he has somebody else there but he's there cuz yeah she said that it's interesting because like he's got all these issues but then once he starts hitting the bag right he's brand new he comes back and he looks like terry norris of He's just talking and struggling. You know, he just, I remember seeing him once. I was at a boxing match.

I was actually with Dom Herrera. And Terry Norris was there talking to people. And this was before he had retired, like, officially. And he was talking to somebody. And you could hear the slur. And I was like, whoa. Like, I had no idea. I had no idea it was this bad.

You know, all those guys, those guys that are in wars, like you will run into them one day and you will see it all. You'll see the war in their voice. You'll see it in the slurring and the weird tics and the movements, and you're like, oh, you're looking at a frazzled person. They're, you know, they're shattered. Did Jamie show you the hit from last night? The what?

Didn't you watch the hit from football last night Oh, no Somebody gets smashed rough. Yeah, but you know, what's crazy? This was football ten years ago now They're fucking done like they don't have this hard anymore. No, you can't well how this guy get it so watch this Yeah, the main issue on it it is it's a quarterback play. They do the thing where they're giving up their body. They slide with their legs first. They're not supposed to get hit almost anywhere.

You're maybe supposed to tap them just to let another down. So this guy gives up his legs. Let me see if I can find the video, too. I'm trying to do that while I'm talking. But he gets hit really, really hard. And then when you see it in slow-mo, it kind of makes it a little worse. Because the dude led with his arm. Hits him right in the helmet.

Oh, he goes like this, Jerome. Oh, you see him. You're like, damn. I'm surprised they didn't throw him off. Like, I didn't watch the game. When I got up this morning, it was all over the place. Late hit, late hit. I wonder if one day they're going to be able to figure.

Is this it right here? Yeah. Here he goes. Running. Doom. Oh, Jesus. Why is that guy mad? Because it's a late hit?

They got furious at him. Let me see it again. They're going to show from other angles, and you'll see. Protecting the quarterback is a big deal. That's the guy that hit him. 47. Kiki Alonso, I think, is his name. Kiko. And that's the guy who got hit? Joe Flacco for the Ravens.

Alright, here we go. He's running. He's running. This is the angle that's a little rougher. Well, he was already coming. Like, how's he gonna stop? It's tough. That's the part about the five feet first. They're trained to be, how is he going to stop? It's tough. That's the part about the fight. That's the part. Fly feet first.

They're trained to be like, you're supposed to stop. It's like kicking a fighter when their arms are down kind of thing. It's a rough time. I know they changed the rule recently, but sort of the same kind of thing. So he hit that dude even though the dude was already down. The guy went down on his own accord. Him sliding feet first means he's not supposed to be hitting him like that. He should know better. That's why everyone was mad. That's why his coach is yelling at him right now. means he's not supposed to be hitting him like that. He should know better.

That's why everyone was mad. That's why his coach is yelling at him right now. So he just took a cheap shot at him. Yeah, exactly. And he hit him really hard, knocked him right out of the game. So what happens to that guy? 47. He gets a fine. That dude's racked. He gets suspended for three or four games. He got his bell rung. Yeah, that's a fucked up thing, right? In college football, they're taking him out of the game right away.

He would have been probably thrown directly out of the game, potentially miss more, maybe half the next game. So they give a penalty to the other team? Yeah, so in the NFL right now, it's just a penalty. How many of these football referees are on the take? How many of these guys get busted? That's the big thing about NBA players. I was reading this whole thing about how little NBA players make

and how they're constantly watching all these NBA, or not NBA players, NBA referees make and how they're watching all these players pull up in Bentleys and Rolls Royces and shining with diamonds and gold and jewelry and that these guys just start taking bribes. And that there's one point in time where there's just a shitload of referees in the NFL and the NBA that are just on the take. Really? Yep.

And they'll get bribed by bookies. They'll get bribed by people that are big-time gamblers. And you've got to think, if this guy's only making, I mean, how much does a referee make? It says somewhere anywhere between $150,000 and $500,000 a year. Oh, yeah, they make money. That's a good living. They make money.

But if someone comes to you, if you make $150,000 and someone comes to you and he goes, Joey, I just want you to make this game a little bit more easy for the Dolphins, here's $100,000. Here's how much they make per year, and some players make that per game. Now, pull up bribery in NBA referees or corruption in NBA referees. There's been a bunch of guys that have been busted, right? I don't know about a bunch. I think it's really just the one guy.

Just one? He tried to call out a bunch of other people, but he didn't do it by name. Who? Donahue. Yeah, Tim Donahue. Yeah, I talked to him, that guy. Did you? He's on my podcast.

No shit. What'd he say? He's a degenerate guy. I'm a good guy. He's just a fucking... Listen, you fall into that trap, man. Right. They have so many scams.

He was telling me they got the first class ticket shit, where they give you a first class ticket to travel to the games. There's so much. Just a little bit of this, a little bit of that. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, you know. Well, there's always a lot of that with boxing as well, you know. In college basketball, just last month. Oh, this is tremendous.

There's a huge thing with some coaches and some different programs. And I think it was Adidas might have been. So they were playing. Families were getting paid through the shoe companies to direct players to certain schools. And then they were getting signed by those companies when they made it to the NBA. And in some cases, I think Rick Pitino, who's the coach for Louisville, is taking something like 98% or 95% of the money that was due to the school from Adidas. He was just keeping it all.

What? Yeah. What? No. Yeah yeah is that legal uh yeah i don't know legal is a weird word on that i mean it's in the contract and it was like cash and so adidas is paying him basically yes and that if you go back to the movie blue chips which came out a long time ago it's all being it was it was fictional then, but it's been going on for the last 25 years. So why would they pay him? What does Adidas get out of it?

He's bringing in the most popular players, the most popular recruits from high school and AAU. And so maybe he could bring them to Adidas, and then Adidas could have them wear them in the NBA. They're going to be all over the Final Four, the NCAA tournament. They're going to be on Saturday basketball. They're getting advertised just like NBA players, but they're not getting the money. They're using their names, their highlights.

They're all over SportsCenter. So they essentially would, Adidas would pay him to be an influencer. 100%, yeah. Wow, that's weird. That's a weird role. So he would be the father figure or the coach figure to these young men they look up to him he's a mentor in some ways yeah definitely and he weasels them into the adidas fold and they would they're also one they want that they want to wear adidas stuff yeah they want that the cool

jerseys they're making ohio state right now the team i'm paying attention to for football have some awesome crazy jerseys that nobody's ever going to get that like the lebron james brand of nike is giving them that are going to be showcased all over tv saturday i was reading about um under armor is banking on steph curry's new under armor shoe good luck oh wow jamie so how much they were saying that steph curry who's like one of the best players in the league apparently you know that more than I do, I don't know shit about basketball. Yes, he's really good. They were saying that his new Under Armour shoe, they're putting a lot of money into this idea that his shoe is going to rebound the stock.

So people are making recommendations to buy Under Armour stock now so that when the shoe comes out, everybody gets crazy and buys his shoe and then Under Armour will bounce back. You know what the problem is? Once something has a stink about it, that's kind of it. You know? Is that bad looking? In my opinion and from knowing what I know about sneakers, that's not the shoe that's

going to bring them back. What's wrong with that shoe? Unless a bunch of kids are into it, which I don't know that they would be. It's more about marketing. So you have to get a whole bunch of kids into buying that and then there's going to have to be a couple influencers in the NBA video

game world and the YouTube blogging world that are going to have to make this seem cool to them. What does it say? Does it say Steph Curry on it? Is that an SC? 30 is his number. Oh, it looks like an SC,

doesn't it? I mean... I guess. I wouldn't wear these shoes at all. I have so much fucking money in the sneaker business. You wouldn't wear those shoes.

But you wear those goofy looking Yeezys. I also like... I wouldn't wear these casually. I'm not playing basketball all the time. Do you need a tissue? No, I'm good.

So some people might be wearing these for basketball. There are a lot of kids still playing basketball. If they can get a team into buying them, then you get 15 pairs sold right to a team. You're talking about two totally different worlds, right? You're talking about there's people that buy shoes to wear to play in. Casual.

And then there's people that buy shoes just to hang out in. Correct. But they're doing them, they're buying athletic shoes for casual hang out in. Correct. But they're doing them, they're buying athletic shoes for casual purposes. And the marketing of it is a real weird place because Jordans are

where it all started. Michael Jordan got everybody wearing shoes, you know. Yeah, and Jordans people don't play basketball in Jordans, correct? They do. Or a lot of people don't.

Yeah, they definitely because you look cool when you're wearing those fucking cool Jordans, you know? Oh, so if you wear Jordans playing basketball, like this guy's so fucking crazy, he's playing basketball in Jordans. Or even, yeah, like he's playing basketball in the $1,000 retro Jordans. Wait a minute.

They cost $1,000? Some of them do. No. Oh, wait. Yes. Really? I mean, brand new retail, they're costing about $100 to $200. Actually, not $100, $200 retail.

But the rarity of them, especially depending on the year they came out, if they came out five years ago, some of them cost $1,000, $2,000. Bro, they have the same shit with geese. You know that, right? Really? Like, I wear a $100 gi whenever I get, like, a cheap gi. They got those shoulder roll. What do you call those?

Shoulder roll, yeah. People wait in line for those. Yeah? They even made a Michael Jordan one. They made a guy that don't do jujitsu. They put a gi out, a Michael Jordan gi that they sold in Chicago. I know a guy that buys all those gis. They do the same thing.

Like Lucky Gis? Limited time only, midnight. And they have hundreds of gis. They do not wear them. Really? Because the shoulder rolls, the shoyu rolls, I don't know exactly what. They gain value. I don't fucking know.

I like Datsusaras. Datsusaras got great stuff, yeah. Those are great. That gee is great. That's what I wear. You still wear it? You still wear the Datsusaras? The Datsusaras is nice.

It's real durable, too, because the hemp is just so much more durable than cotton. It's just those things. I mean, geese are pretty goddamn durable as it is. It usually takes a long time for one starts to break, unless you have a single weave, you know, one of those thin, light ones like a summer. I'm a Fuji dude. I'm a Fuji dude. Fuji's great.

I love my Fuji. Fuji's doing all the mats for you. Are they? Yeah. I love Fuji geese. I got the white one, the black one. You could pull them. I'm a gorilla dude. Fuji's great. I love my Fuji. Fuji's doing all the mats for you. Are they? Yeah. I love Fuji geese. I got the white one, the black one. You could pull them. I'm a gorilla in that thing.

But they're light. This is why I knew I wouldn't do well in hot yoga. First of all, I'm not a heat guy. You can tell how I, even humidity, I don't respond well to. When I first started Jiu-Jitsu, that was the biggest problem I had, that I didn't know anything about geese. Right. So I went and know anything about gis. Right. So I went and bought a judo gi. When I hit that heat, that heat level went all the way up.

That took me to a different place. Yeah, those double weave gis, like those things, those are very heavy. But some people like that. They like the double weave. They like the feeling of security, of having that very thick cloth around them. Some people like the golden weave. I like the single weave this i like the summer the fuji fucking yeah thin yeah i want it to feel light i don't want a fucking gi you know look at the size of me if i put a gi on it's 20 pounds well also for me i i've been how about staff a couple times so i always put a rash guard

on anyway even if i wear a gi i still have a rash guard on i. Even if I wear a gi, I still have a rash guard on. I put a rash guard on all the time. I just don't. People get scratched from fingernails all the time. I also carry those defense soap wipes with me everywhere. I got the wipe, the spray. The soap. I got the soap in the shower. Put them on my fucking feet, my nutsack. Do you drink kombucha or anything like that?

Yes, I drink kombucha. That's so good. Getting probiotics. Do you ever have kimchi? You ever eat kimchi? No, that's where I stop. You don't like that? You can't deal with that?

That shit smells fucking disgusting. I love that stuff. Even though I'm Asian, it says I'm Asian in the fucking thing. I buy a fucking jar of that shit, like a 32-ounce jar, and I'll eat most of the jar. What is kimchi? Like a fucking pickle? It's cabbage. It's pickled cabbage.

It's fermented cabbage from Korea. And your farts smell worse than tates. They'll clean the paint off your fucking car. Fucking Christ. No, I like the Campucha juice. I just can't deal with other shit. All that stuff is good for you. I don't do the Greek yogurt either.

I like the regular yogurt. Greek yogurt tastes like ass. I don't like it. I like regular fucking. Fuck that. I tried the vanilla on the plane. I don't like it. I like regular fucking. Fuck that. I tried the vanilla on the plane. I don't like Greek yogurt. No, I like the Dan.

I like all the other ones, you know. Well, over the last few months, I've been shying away from dairy. I'll eat a little cheese every now and then because I like cheese, but I've been trying to eliminate dairy from my diet a little bit just to see. Because I've heard from several people that they've eliminated dairy and they've had good reactions to their body.'ve had like less inflammation and it makes them feel better I'm that shit that said it on that report I'm lactose whatever intolerant yeah yeah I don't drink milk yeah I drink a milkshake once a month you know like if I'm out I'll drink a milkshake

I'll make a banana shake at home or something with a banana and I like my shakes thin so I think uh that's what I'm going to do for November. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do for November. But I think for November, I'm going to go the entire month without eating any bullshit. 100%. The entire month. Just all straight healthy food. No added sugar.

No nothing. No sodas. No crap. I'm just going to see what that feels like. We're going to come up with some new challenge. Because after this month doing this, I feel like this was a very beneficial month for me. Beneficial in that, first of all, my back has never felt better. Doing yoga all these times, it makes your back feel bulletproof.

You just feel like my posture and everything, everything is just it feels so sturdy because yoga especially beak rooms like that 90 minute hot yoga shit so much of it is about your back and your core and like supporting your spine and i think uh you know sitting down a lot doing podcasts even though these chairs are phenomenal these uh capisco ergo depot chairs these things are phenomenal they keep you you know sitting in the right posture and they support you well. It's just not real good to sit down all the time like that. A lot of times your back is compressed. If you don't have good structure and if you don't have good strength around the spine,

like good muscle strength around the spine, you're going to develop all sorts of weird problems and weird issues with your back. going to develop all sorts of weird problems and you know weird weird issues with your back but i think um i've learned a lot this month about like what what kind of exercises you need to do to keep your back strong you know like this yoga shit like doing it as many times as we did it this month i mean i'm not going to do it this many times but i'm definitely going to do it two times a week from now on definitely you know and if you mix it with the weights, a little running, you're good to go, dog. You're good to go. You don't need much.

We're not going to the Olympics. We're not fucking playing professional sports. Just trying to maintain. Keep your fucking whatever going. That's all. It's not a lot. Have you ever done the cryotherapy? The who?

Cryotherapy. The cold shit? Yeah. I work myself up. It's right down the corner from my house. Have you ever done the cryotherapy? The who? Cryotherapy. The cold shit? Yeah. I worked myself up. It's right down the corner from my house. Have you done it? No. I just always forget to go down there.

It's phenomenal. I think I had a lot of problems. You know, I wrote the fucking, whatever, the first four chapters for the book. For your book? Yeah. That's what I did August and September. That's all I did. What are you writing a book about? What got me into comedy.

Why I got into comedy. Just the biography. Yeah? A to Z. And I finally started August 1st. I got the iPod, whatever, the iPad. You're writing it on an iPad? Fuck yeah.

And I write it and I hire the kid and he edits everything for me. Oh yeah? So I had to have four chapters done. I got to tell you something. So do you have a book deal? No, I'm going to try to get one now. I had to have four chapters done. I got to tell you something. So do you have a book deal? No, I'm going to try to get one now. Yeah. I wanted to write it, bro.

I wanted to write it. I didn't want to say it. Every time I had somebody else write it. Joey Diaz is like a Floyd story. You should have seen the last guy I got. Floyd story? A Floyd-thorian, whatever the fuck those people say. I have no fucking Thorian story.

Who's Floyd-thorian? I have no fucking idea. You know these people. You know, writing has gone. Like, when you read Silence of the Lambs, right, it's just plain writing. But sometimes you read these books where the writers go a little too far with their bullshit. You know what I'm saying? Like, it was magnificent or whatever.

It's just too much. It's like you were saying. You ever go to people's houses and they talk and then they say shit for 20 minutes? It's like by Studio City where I live. Go to that coffee shop from time to time. You know what they were saying in there? What? That they're after the Vegas shooter.

The Vegas shooter was Sunday night. Do you know what these idiots were saying in there on Monday? What? That this had to do with women's rights and the abortions. And they just talk. These new breed of Gentiles, they just talk. That's all they do is talk with big words to impress

you. But they don't say shit. They don't say shit. Three or four big words to let you know they're smart and then they didn't say nothing. There's a lot of repeating narratives. Oh yeah, every time the show, the new show I'm gonna do I'm buying one of those little tape recorders

and I'm putting them under these six fucking morons every day. Then at night I'm going to do a show about what they discussed because this is 60% of America with these fucking people talking about. This is the idiots. The shit that comes out of their mouth is amazing. And you sit there and go, no wonder fucking ISIS wants to shoot us. Listen to these fucking dummies. Listen to what's coming out of their mouth. Women's rights?

That's what they were talking about. Well, what was their argument? They were saying that the guy shot everybody. Their argument is everybody trying to be smarter than everybody. It's just six people trying to outwit each other. It's like when you go to those fucking dinner parties you talk about. And by the time they serve the salad, you want to put a gun in your fucking mouth. Why am I even fucking here with these people?

I could have stopped at Burger King and had a better fucking time. That's why I don't go to those dinner parties. Because there's eight people talking. And once politics comes up, you lose me, Joe Rogan. I don't want to hear about it no more. You lose me. You lose me. These new political people talking nonsense, you lose me.

Move forward. Either impeach him, get a new one, or shut the fuck up. I can't. You ever put the news on anymore? Well, it's definitely. First 20 minutes. He didn't send the check. He called her.

What the fuck, man? Just tell me. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? There's got to be something more. There's got to be a seal stuck on a beat somewhere in this fucking country. Something more important than this shit every fucking day. So the politics is over in my world.

Religion, you know, I don't want to, you're not supposed to talk about politics or religion at those fucking things. But this new breed of Gentile, they just talk for the sense of talking to see who's the smartest person in the room. And at the end of the day, they're all a bunch of dumb fucks anyway. There's definitely a lot of people talking just to impress other people. Yeah, that's it. And there's a lot of people saying

a bunch of things that they've read on blogs or read on websites. Everybody wants to have an intelligent conversation and everybody witty. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, man. Leave me the fuck alone.

It's 2017. What would you rather them talk about? Life. Something that makes sense. Something simple that you're not trying to impress me. Talk to me about your kids and what you want for your kids. But don't you think there's a lot more that in Hollywood? Because people are trying.

I think one of the things about Hollywood is that people are always trying out for auditions. They're always going in on auditions. And they always have to be picked and chosen. And they're always trying to position themselves like someone that you would want to hire. And so they manufacture these attitudes based on what they think. They lick their finger. They hold it up. They find out which way the wind's blowing, and that's the way they go.

And they start to sort of construct their personality based on what they think. All the casting agents, all of them, 100% of them are liberal. They're all liberal. Everyone's liberal. Everyone across the board is a Democrat, or the radical ones are Bernie Sanders supporters, and everyone has very clear left-wing views, whether you like it or not.

Not a judgment on it. But these people that go in for auditions and actors, which is most of what you're running into, either actors or screenwriters or someone who's trying to do something in Hollywood, they all want people to know that they're on the right team. And they all want to say all the things that they think need to be said. Where you saw a lot of the hypocrites was in the first few days of this Harvey Weinstein shit. Oh, please. Yeah. Please. Oh, please. Yeah. Please.

This is embarrassing. And you know what, man? At the end of the week, they're all fucking disgustos because they all fucking knew about it. Oh, they all knew about it. They all knew about it for years, and now they all want to raise their fucking head. But you know what, bro? When Harvey was giving them movies, nobody was complaining.

Yeah. Well, I've heard that argument. Nobody was complaining. Nobody was complaining. I've heard that argument. Nobody was complaining. I heard that argument from a girl. She was saying that Harvey Weinstein gave them all careers. I was like, wow, that's a crazy, crazy argument. Two of the chicks thanked him in the Oscars. Now you're going to accuse, listen, leave me the fuck alone.

The ones that really need the smack of the mouth are the guys that came out and said, I got molested once. My dick got touched at a party one time. We live for that shit. We live for somebody to touch our fucking dick. You know what I'm saying? We're not going to go to therapy. We don't say nothing.

Somebody grabs your dick, you just fucking smile and go. What if it's a little gay guy? Whatever. Everybody needs a break from time to time. You know what I'm saying? You never let a gay guy suck your dick with ice cubes in their mouth? No, I haven't. It's a party.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't know. But I had a friend one time let a gay guy suck your dick with ice cubes in their mouth? No, I haven't. It's a party. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't know. But I had a friend one time that he let anybody suck his dick. Anybody? Anybody. Anybody who wanted to suck his dick could suck his yum yum stick. Really?

And one day he was telling me about fucking getting his dick sucked by a gay guy with ice cubes in his mouth. I nearly fucking died. He just let the guy do it? Yeah. He goes, fuck it. It was tremendous. What was the conversation?

He was telling me how his mouth was cold and all this shit And I was fucking dying. I couldn't believe it The guy was sucking his dick Listen, I don't want to know about that I would want to know but you wanted to know about the guy getting his dick sucked by a dude with ice cubes in his Mouth I mean why not when he told me this watching what first of all when he told me this story I was young I had never heard that story before I was like 18 He goes out of the fucking guys suck my dick one time with ice cubes.

One time. But if it was so good, why not keep going? You know, it's tough to find somebody who will suck your dick with ice cubes in their mouth unless you give them the small 50. I think once you put it out there, you put that flag up, people will come. That was the funniest thing with that crazy bitch from Superman. Because she popped up like eight days later. Harvey took his dick out one time and I told him, put that back in your pants.

Crazy chick from Superman. Which one? What's that chick that's crazy? Oh, the one that was hiding in the bushes when they found her. She had no teeth. That one. What the hell's her name? What's her name?

Superman with Christopher Reeve, right? No, the other one. Was it Superman with Christopher Reeve? The early Superman, right? Yeah, it was the one with Dean Cain. Who was the crazy? Oh, Dean Cain. Who was the one in there?

Margot Kidder. Margot Kidder is crazy, right? Yeah, yeah. No, this was the other with Dean Cain. Who was the crazy? Dean Cain. Who was the one in that? Margot Kidder. Margot Kidder is crazy, right? Yeah, yeah. No, this was the other one that came out. You're talking about the one who was in Superman with Dean Cain, the TV show. Yeah, maybe. Was it a really pretty girl's name? Terry Hatcher.

Terry Hatcher. Is that her name? She was on the TV show. You've got to talk into the mic, buddy. She was on the TV show. She was in Desperate Housewives, too, right? Yep, yep, yep. Yeah.

No, it wasn't her. I had an ex-girlfriend of mine get so mad when I was talking about how pretty she was. Missing Superman actress found frightened in the bushes. Yeah, that was in 96. Margot Kidder, yeah, she went crazy. 47-year-old Canadian-born actress, best known. You know what? That's the thing.

Once you hit, like, late 40s and you're one of those actresses and they stop calling and you are already crazy and the pressure builds up. She'd cut off her own hair with a razor blade in an attempt to alter her appearance. A Glendale police sergeant, Rick Young, said. Oh, boy. She was taken to Olive View Medical Center for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation. They could have spared 71 hours and 50 minutes by just bringing her to me. I would have went, yeah,

that bitch is crazy. Now what happened here the other day with Corey Feldman though? I don't know. He apparently got arrested. Did you insult him? Oh, that thing. Yeah, I just made a joke. And people got mad. They got mad but it wasn't them getting mad, It was me getting mad at myself. What was the joke?

He was wearing a really small jacket while he was doing this performance at like a minor league baseball game. And he was doing like this Michael Jackson thing. But the jacket was so small. I go, is that a jacket he was wearing when he was getting diddled when he was a little kid? Okay. And I was like,

why did I joke around that? I was just trying to make Greg laugh. I said something that I was... And then afterwards when I saw it, especially out of context, I was very disappointed in myself. He wants $10 million to fucking expose pedophilia? I saw that. He's out of his mind. I think... I don't think he...

First of all, he never said that Michael Jackson did anything to him. He said Michael Jackson didn't. But he said that there's a lot of pedophilia in Hollywood and he wants to make some sort of a movie on it. Which I'm sure there's a lot of pedophilia in Hollywood, but like this idea that people are trying to kill him, he was saying people are trying to run him over,

isn't that what he was saying? Yeah, yeah. I watched the video for like 10 seconds and I felt bad for him. I think the drugs caught up. Yeah, if they wanted to kill him, he'd be dead. Yeah, two trucks tried to hit him. That's not real. See, this is like weird paranoia shit. Let me tell you something.

If they want to kill you, you're dead. And it's not going to be trucks trying to run you over. It's going to be a guy out of nowhere shoots you in the head and gets in his car and no one's going to know who he is and no one's going to catch him because they're going to hire a professional. Like this idea that someone's going to know who he is and no one's going to catch him because they're going to hire a professional. Like this idea that someone's going to like miss him with a car

and then they're chasing him, running him down. I find that very hard. I mean, it's possible, but I find it very hard to believe. I always think that like if someone is a very powerful man, like I don't know if the Clintons ever whacked anybody, but if they did, they whacked those fucking people. Like that one guy that was the big conspiracy theory about the guy who released all the stuff to WikiLeaks, the DNC guy, Seth Rich.

Yeah. They killed that motherfucker. Whoever did it, whether he was killed because some random person decided to shoot him in the back in the middle of the night and not steal his watch or his phone or his wallet, whether it's that or whether it's what Julian Assange from WikiLeaks said, is that there's consequences to leaking information to WikiLeaks, because that's what they were saying. And people were saying, look, this is another one of the Clinton body count people, and there's giant conspiracy theories about how many people the Clintons have had killed.

I don't know if that's true or not. I have zero information. But I do know when people want you dead. You're dead. You're dead. You're dead. When they're real people, like that are real killers and evil fucks, there's a lot of people that have been killed. Like Putin.

If Putin wants you dead, you get shot on TV in front of everybody and nothing happens. No one goes to jail. No one gets caught. You're just dead. That's the type of people we're talking about. jail no one gets caught you're just dead that's the type of people we're talking about so this you know i just i have a hard time believing that like someone's getting like barely missed by a car that's like some movie shit like they were coming after me but i dived into the bushes at the last minute and now i'm hiding in a motel somewhere and i can't tell you where but if you give me

10 million dollars i want to make a movie you know why i feel bad for cory from when you see that when you see that performance i mean i bet he's a nice kid and stuff you could see hollywood's just fucking made a mockery like they just beat him up dog well he grew up on tv in the movies yeah they beat him up if you grow up in the movies you you know you don't have a childhood who the fuck do you know who at name one that made it through that meat grinder of growing up famous that's not completely fucking crazy. Name one. Name one. Look, Miley Cyrus might have gotten out of it better than any of them.

Like, her new album's really good. She's fucking talented. She's great, bro. You ever see those ones that she's up on the hill in Tennessee with a little band and they're singing outside in the mountains? You ever seen her cover of Jolene? Yeah, Jolene. Jolene, that whole thing. She's great. I've always liked it. She got a little band and they're singing outside in the mountains. You ever seen her cover of Jolene? Yeah, Jolene. Jolene, that whole thing. She's great. I've always

liked her. She got a little crazy. If we played some of that would we get in trouble? Yeah, we played some of it before. Once she started talking about no reefer, fuck her. I used to see her at the weed store all the time with her brother. With her brother at the weed store. She was smoking more than anybody now. She quit, whatever.

Fuck her. Well, she's 20. Yeah, she's 23. She's talking shit. Whatever she is. She's a kid. She's fucking got more money than God. I watch the show. I would watch the show on the road. Hand them on down? Oh, please, yeah. My kids like it. I love that fucking show. I love her on that show. She's tremendous. Yeah,

play some of that. Give me some of that. Something's going on with the internet. With our internet? Yeah, the robbers. Really? Yeah. Give me some of that. Something's going on with the internet. With our internet? Yeah, the robbers. I don't know. Really? Yeah. Well, that's good.

It's not like we paid a shitload of money for it. I probably just figured it out. Have you seen John Wick 2? Yes. It was on the internet. Loved it. Right? We just watched that.

It's entertainment. It's not going to win an Academy Award or nothing like that. Loved it. But if you think about how many hitmen, like that scene in the train station, the chick with the violin, all of a sudden she puts the thing away and she takes the silencer out. Did you see Egan in that? Egan Machado?

Yeah. I watched it twice. I haven't seen Egan. No. Egan's in part two. He plays a cab driver. So the only thing I can think about is the fight he had in the garage with the cab drivers when he was fucking shooting at them and all that shit.

How nasty. Fuck Mighty Mouse's armbar. How about John Wick's armbar? It ends with a shot to the head. It ends with a bullet to the head of his armbar. Who does that? He clamps you, he drops back and he goes bah, he lifts your head with his foot.

Bah, bah, bah, bah. That's the armbar. Fucking Mighty Mouse picking up a guy. Fuck him. Ray. That's the armbar. Fucking Mighty Mouse picking up a guy. Fuck him. Ray Berg. That fucking armbar that he does is tremendous. Ray Borg. Ray Borg, Ray Berg. Hey, you know what?

I'm realizing your computer is having problems with the internet. Mine is not. My computer is not at one. I just switched routers. Routers? It's the Wi-Fi router. Oh, so that was on Wi-Fi and then you went to Ethernet? Is that what you did?

I'm switching back and forth between another router I'm connected to. Oh, I see. So who trains him? Except for reals, Joe Rogan. Well, he's obviously got a Machado jacket on, so they must have been doing some... But I'll tell you what, all the jiu-jitsu moves and the judo was 100% legit. There was no shenanigans, like you see him throw somebody around and you don't believe it. Like even his front kick, that's a legit front kick.

Look, he's doing real shit. You know what else he did that was real? He did a lot. Look, he's doing all this fucking strength and conditioning footwork moving. He's doing all these rolls. Another thing that he did that was super real was he did a lot of tactical firearms drills, like a lot of close-range handgun shit where he was shooting at steel targets that pop up and hiding behind things and turning corners and shooting at targets real quick.

Like legitimately looks like he knows what he's doing. Have you ever had a chat with him? No, never met him. Have you ever met him, talked to him? Never met him. Tremendous. I bet. He eats breakfast at Duke's.

Duke's in Hollywood? Yeah, on the way out, you just go, what's up, dog? And they go, what's happening, man? Have a great day. Yeah, this is the shit that he did. Yeah, no, he's real. There's a whole video of him going through these tactical courses, and you're like, whoa, that's legit.

He's putting in the time, man. He's 53. He fucking looks great for 53. 53. That's crazy. It looks great. It looks fucking great. That's a good Kimura.

Yeah, see, he's rolling. What is he? That's not a black belt, is he? No, he's a white belt. White belt with a black stripe. What they do is they have a facility. You see this facility? Where? They just redid this in Culver City. The Mach with a black stripe. What they do is they have a facility. You see this facility? Where?

They just redid this in Culver City. The Machados do? No. That's Hegan. The company. The 187, whatever the name of that company is. His company? Production company.

Production company. So they have everything there. Like most companies you go to, they have a couch and screens and shit. No. This is what. And I don't think this is the place. They have like a real fucking place where they

do all stunts. Now, is that John over there? Yeah, John Jock is to the right. Wow, John Jock and John. Yeah, there's Hegan. John's there. All the Machados. But all this stuff that he's doing is like super legit. There's Hegan. I mean, he's really he really wanted to learn Jiu Jitsu.

Like he learned real Jiu Jitsu as opposed to just making up some fake moves and shit. No, his armbar with the bullet at the end is fucking beautiful. They're fun movies. They're fun, ridiculous, sort of cartoonish, violent movies. It's really good times. When he goes to Italy, the chick kills herself. I mean, it's fucking crazy. Well, who's the girl, too, that is that sort of androgynous lesbian character who's in a lot of stuff?

Orange is the New Black. Is that who she is? She's very pretty. She's got short hair. She's the hit woman in the movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. She plays the deaf girl. The deaf girl?

Yeah. Doesn't she play the deaf girl? In what movie? In John Wick 2? No, she's the hit person. She's the killer that wanted to kill him. The fuck's her name? Now, she kills herself?

Is that the chick that kills herself? No, she doesn't kill herself. Her. Just show me the fucking IMDB. No, that's not it. What's the... Who's in the movie? Ruby Rose.

Ruby Rose, that one. Yeah, that chick. You know, who's in the movie? Ruby Rose. Ruby Rose, that one. Yeah, that chick. You know, she's a real famous lesbian type character. Oh yeah, she plays the deaf one. That's it. She's deaf? In the movie. I don't remember being deaf.

Remember she goes like this? And she's telling them that she won a nightcap and shit. But I don't remember that at all. Yeah, she speaks sign language in the movie all the time. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's right. movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah Why did I how did I forget that? You should stop smoking weed not go, but that's why

I'm just watching people get shot. I'm not paying attention to the actual plot. It's just a fun stupid. No, I love them both That's the weird. I love him. I like all his fucking movies, man. There's just some people that you watch their movies and don't need to think. Yeah. Well, he's got some classics. I mean, think about the John Wick series.

He's in The Matrix. I mean, this dude has been in some fucking classics and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. That's right. You go back to that. I mean, imagine that that guy started with a really silly comedy and then went from that to be a giant action hero.

And somehow or another still looks good at 53. What's that movie he made with the bank robbers that they fucking rebid? Point Break. That's a good movie, too. Great movie. Patrick Swayze. Fucking good movie too. I want to know what Keanu Reeves does to reduce stress because he looks fucking fantastic.

Yeah, look at him. He's never in trouble. You never hear from him in a bar or drinking or drinking wine or hanging out with nobody or abuse. He don't do dick. He grows his beard out. He walks around looking dirty. When you see him in the daytime, he's just a regular guy.

Like, what is he doing? How does he look so good? He's just a regular guy, man. He has no trouble. I know, but, like, I wonder, like, what he eats. Because someone told me that he actually smokes cigarettes. Someone told me that he actually smokes cigarettes. Like that he's not like particularly like disciplined about his health.

That's incredible. 94 to 2014. How is that even possible? Imagine if you ran into one of his ex-girlfriends. He looks exactly the same. She looks like an old hag. She's like, what the fuck? I mean, that's 20 years of difference, and he looks the same.

Well, he looks like shit in the 2013, though. 2012, 2013 was a rough turn. Fell off the road. Well, that's when he met Hegan, and everything changed. He started doing jiu-jitsu, and his life fucking changed. He's starting a podcast. He called me up to go down there and do it. Hegan is? Yeah.

On what? On some network down there. Should he maybe learn English first or no? Yeah, no, it doesn't matter. They love him anyway. They love his business. Is that him smoking cigarettes? Yeah.

So he does smoke cigarettes. Yeah, yeah. See, that's even crazier. Like, how is he not old as fuck? Like, when people smoke cigarettes, that shit wears you out. Like, the people that I see that smoke cigarettes, they look far older. There he is. Maybe he's one of the...

I don't know. You've seen that meme that people think, there's like pictures they find where he's like, oh, Keanu Reeves from the 1750, whatever, yeah. People are retarded. They photoshopped the shit out of that anyway, right? I watched some crazy shit last night, Joe Raw. I didn't feel good. I couldn't move much.

I lost the remote and I started watching this thing about the story of the reels. Fucking tremendous. The reels? It's called Reel, uh,

Reel News or something. It's 239 on cable. And they had this whole thing out about the Godfather. Fucking interesting as fuck, Jack. What was interesting about it? What's his name?

They wanted to do the movie? The director. He was a hippie in San Francisco. Really? Had a studio up there. What's his name? Francis Ford Coppola. He's a hippie guinea. He ain't a regular guinea. He's a hippie. Long hair. He owns a vineyard. Huh? He owns a vineyard. Yeah. Hippie dude. Had the studio

and they wanted him to do The Godfather and he was like, ah. But he had an assistant called, what's his assistant's name? George Lucas was a young assistant. Really? Yeah, it was his young assistant at the time. That's crazy. And he talked him into it

because he goes that the building they had was running out of money, they had no money to pay the rent. Wow. So they were gonna run out of the rent. So he talked him into doing it because he had to pay the rent. Look at that.

Look at fucking that. George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola he had to pay the rent. Look at that. Look at fucking that, dog. George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola with R2-D2. That's incredible. George Lucas looks like he was like 24 years old there. Young kids, bro. Young kids. Wow. I'll tell you what was a good move that a lot of people were critical of when they sold

Star Wars to Disney, because Disney's taking that shit and run with it. They run with it. I mean, they're making so many more Star Wars movies. They're good fucking movies. They're fun. They're doing Star Wars World at Disneyland, which looks insane. They released a preview video of it the other day. Have you taken your girl to

Disneyland yet? No, she hasn't asked. You just wait. I'm dead. I'll play. You just wait. I'm dead. She asked about a month ago. Tell me when you want to go and we'll all go together. Okay, yeah, yeah. She asked about a month ago. We'll go together.

She just stopped getting car sick, bro. Oh, really? We just got over it. Yeah? That's why I'm not doing New Year's with you and none of that shit because we're going to wait. Does she look out the window? No.

How does she not get car sick? No. What keeps her from getting? We leave early and I don't feed her. We take her out of the house fucking soldier style. Oh, that's good. And we only go one hour. So that's why we went to Huntington Beach.

We go to Santa Barbara. Right. So that's what I'm going to do on those little holidays now. That's good. Just get the fuck out of here. I'm sick and tired of sitting here for Thanksgiving. Yeah. Take it down to Huntington Beach.

I got the nice hotel for kids. You drop them off at eight. They surf. You could have the walk to the fucking beach for them. You drop them off at 8, they surf. You could have the walk to the fucking beach for them. You have to walk on the street and then I'll go up to Montecito with them for New Year's. I love it up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it, bro. Come back from Portland that Friday. I get back that Thursday or that Friday. I'm doing the two shows after Christmas. Get back and I'm taking them up to Montecito to the second. There's nothing to do down here. Nothing to do.

Nothing to do. Have you thought about moving down here? Just waiting. Just waiting? For what? Just waiting for another year. Another year? Where are you thinking of going?

I don't know. It's Colorado or Lexington, Kentucky. Huh. Yeah. There's a lot of Lexington, Kentucky. Huh. Yeah. There's a lot of people here, Joey Diaz. Seems like it's getting worse, too. The thing that freaks me out is the imminent doom. That one day, for sure, the Earth's going to move.

The fucking water pipes are going to break. Fire's going to break out. For sure, we're going to have a disaster. And when we have a disaster, then we're going to realize the real consequences of jamming 20 million people into a small area. That bothers me. When all this was going on this summer, and for two or three weeks you'd watch the news, wouldn't you think of that? Like, we've got to be next. We're sitting here in our cozy fucking warm living room watching Florida underwater, Texas texas underwater you know what what's going to come to us well the fires of northern california were fucking insane hardly anybody

talked about them it's not a ton of people living up there so people did it didn't get the amount of press that it deserved because there was so much going on in texas so much going on in florida so much going on in puerto, but the fucking fires in Northern California were insane and they couldn't do a thing about them. They didn't have fire hydrants in a lot of these places. They didn't have access to water and they were just burning through towns. I think they said hundreds of people are missing and thousands of buildings were burnt to the ground and it barely made the news. Fucking Puerto Rico is still without light. Oh yeah. They're fucked. They're fucked.

And they're not getting any funding. How come they're not getting funding? They've got some. I mean, it's not that they're not getting funding, but they're not getting enough to rebuild to do what they need to do to get their infrastructure back up. People don't understand about Puerto Rico is that you have San Juan and Viejo San Juan.

And after that, what surrounds these cities is what you see on TV is these fucking villages. Yeah. You know? Did you read the New York Times article about Cuba? No. About the hurricane? How good they are with hurricanes?

No. You got to read that article. What they do. They've been practicing this shit since 1950. Well, they have to. They're a fucking island. When I called my sister, my sister was like, it was three days. We got killed. They got killed in Camagüey. Where my dad's from, they got fucking killed They're a fucking island. When I called my sister, my sister was like, it was three days. We got killed.

They got killed in Kamaway, where my dad's from. They got fucking killed. That's still underwater. But they don't fuck around. They have this complete, if you could look it up, a New York Times article, it was fucking huge, about how they handle hurricanes. How do they handle it? Community. They fucking, what's that when they pull you out?

Evacuate? They pull you out? Evacuate. They pull you out right away. I mean, they just, like, you didn't hear about Cuba having any problems. No. They got killed. But they are so used to it. They have such a great system to dealing with it. They only have, there you go.

Hurricane tips from Cuba. Yeah, there you go. Unbelievable. What is that right there? The water hitting? Holy shit. That's a malecón. Look at that.

They got a 1950s car and the water is like fucking 80 feet in the air, smashing waves against the side of the building or the side of the road rather. How cool is that car? It's a pretty badass old car. Just look at that fucking car. How cool is that car? They take those cars and they put like four cylinder diesels in them too. They do all kinds of crazy shit with those cars to keep them running.

Did you watch that show? When they did the 13 episodes of the Cuban cars? No. But I've seen a lot of things on them. Pretty interesting. How they fucking paint them and how they make all that shit. They get like tar and they put the car together. Pretty interesting shit.

There was a guy who bought an island outside of Cuba. I forget what island it was. But it got hit so bad by the hurricane that it completely wiped off everything on the island. This guy, some billionaire character, bought the entire island. And for the first time in over 300 years, it's unpopulated.

There's literally no one living on this island. It went from being this green, lush Ireland to being just a big flat patch of dirt like flattened it just got hit by the full brunt of the storm right after this dude bought it i mean it i don't know how much he spent on it so richard branson's island i don't think so no no i think it was the guy who owns uh john paul mitchell nectar island completely oh no we noticed you John Paul Mitchell. Nectar Island completely. Oh, no, we noticed you use ad blocking. Sir Richard Branson says Nectar Island completely and utterly devastated by Hurricane Irma.

Yeah, I'm sure that island got jacked too. But there was an island that is completely unpopulated for the first time in 300 years. I forget what the island was. But these are just gonna get worse The crazy thing about these hurricanes is they're building up steam out in the ocean Versus in the Gulf like usually they would get to the Gulf and they would build up because the Gulf has warmer water But the water in the ocean is getting so warm That they can island of barbuda. I don't think yeah, that's it. I don't think somebody owns that one. No, someone just bought it.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, some guy just bought the island of Barbuda. Let me ask you something, Barbuda. I think. So you've been thinking about leaving? Yes. Or you're thinking about staying?

No, I think about leaving all the time. Yeah. Your wife been discussing it? You open it up again? Well, when it was getting 109 degrees in fucking October, we were like, what is this going to be like in five years? Like, is this going to keep getting worse? If climate change is real,

it seems to be, if we're getting record temperatures every year, which seems to be happening at least around here, you've got to wonder when that's not sustainable anymore. Do you want to live in Phoenix in August? I don't. You know that Phoenix weather? We've been there before where it's 120 degrees.

That's not dealable to me. You know? We gotta assume that... Robert De Niro vows to rebuild the island of Barbuda after Hurricane Irma strikes. Why? Is it filled with black chicks? The year before, I guess he bought a resort

there or something like that. Jamie's taking it all literal. No, no, no. That's not why. Oh, my God. Did you ever see when they did the fucking benefit for him? They did the tribute to Robert De Niro. No.

And Beyonce got up there with a fucking miniskirt and started dancing. Poor Robert De Niro. Did he go crazy? Oh, my God. You can see him just melting like salad. Look at that dark skin. He loves the sisters. He does.

Can't be mad at him for that. Fucking savage guy he is. It's kind of interesting. Is there another famous guy that's known for loving black chicks as much as De Niro is? No. No? No. He's, like, known for it.

Well, you can crack jokes about it, and everybody knows the joke, right? Like, it's known for it, but nobody really says nothing. It's just De Niro. Right. You's like known for it. Where you crack jokes about it and everybody knows the joke, right? Like it's known for it, but nobody really says none because it's De Niro. Right. You know what I'm saying? Well, I mean, it's not wrong with him. But that's not wrong with him. It's just got a thing. Yeah, that's his flavor.

That's what you like. What the fuck are you going to do? But it's an obvious flavor. It's like, I mean, I can't even think of a single celebrity that's like known for having a predilection for Asian chicks. Name one. Okay. Name another celebrity that's got a thing for black chicks.

It's De Niro. It's like De Niro's the running joke. Wesley Snipes. He's got a thing for Asian chicks? Didn't he? I think. Maybe. Yeah, maybe.

Maybe he's married to one or something. Something, something. Yeah, but not enough where you could tell a joke about it. Like, De Niro is one of those guys where, like, a piece of information has to be so far distributed, so widely distributed that you can crack jokes about it. And everybody knows what you're talking about. Like, that's, like, the De Niro thing. It's gotten to the point where anybody could crack a joke about it.

Did you prefer any particular woman type when you were dating? No, not really. I like white chicks. Yeah? Yeah, I love white chicks. Dirty white chicks. Love them. Love them, love them, love them, love them.

Chinese I like. Why dirty white chicks? Yeah, I love white dirty. I don't know. Just something about it. As a kid, I liked Irish chicks. I grew up in a place where I was surrounded with chicks with freckles and red hair and sweaty tits. I love all that shit.

I don't like dirty feet, but I like white chicks. I like dirty feet. I like white chicks. They say when you're a kid, the things you're surrounded by, the things that you first come in contact with when you become sexually active that that sort of like cements in your brain and a lot of people but i had all those maries and all those genus i can't deal with that marie's and gina's i love italian chicks but there's a there's a they get lisa's genus yeah they want to fight and they want to scream at you and throw yeah i didn't there was something about that that i liked them they were hotter than fuck I love Italian women you know

but I really like white chicks Irish chicks is my shit I don't know what it is I love them I fucking love them but to just like I have a friend that's Jewish that's all he dates is black chicks you know really hef from the Sopranos yes what was the old man when yeah yeah yeah he goes I don't know if you look. She's a little pale for my taste. Yeah. You know, it's just some people. I have a buddy, same thing. Jewish guy. Loves black chicks. Loves sisters. That's all he matters. Married his second black chick. Yeah. Two in a row.

Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that guy. Yeah. No, that's all they call him. And it's funny because you think of like a black, like De Niro. He's an older guy. You know, he was around. I can just imagine the first time De Niro went home and brought a black chick home and his dad's like, what the fuck

is going on here, you know? Well, maybe not his dad, but how about all those fucking people that loved him in those movies? All those Genzos? You know, probably racist. And then loved him in all these and expected him to be with some fucking mafia-looking lady. And he shows up with some super soul sister.

Well, that's why fucking Bronx Tale was so good. He really put that part of his life in there. Like that part with the black chick, you know, that kid that went to jail. That's what Bronx Tale was about, really. I hardly remember that movie. Yeah, it was about Bronx Tale is a good fucking movie. I hated it in the movie theater. Why?

When I went to see it, I didn't like it. And it wasn't for me. But now it was on a couple weeks ago, that scene with the bikers. That's a great fucking scene. And that's a true story. That's a true fucking story. That's an old school Sammy the Bull story. Bunch of bikers went into his bar.

Sammy came back, told him to be cool. No. Clocked the door and said, now you can't leave. And they just beat. You ever seen that? They just beat the fuck out of all those bikers and they get out of there. But that movie was about the kid that was on the Sopranos

that ended up going to prison for murder. What's his... Colosso though. Yeah. Oh, this is hilarious. With the guy with bad luck. His name was Mush. So they put him in the closet. They wouldn't even. I don't want his money touching my money.

He's so bad luck. But that whole thing is about him dating the black chick. And then they go to the Bronx. Remember that street in the Bronx where I used to get nickel bags at whatever avenue. All that shit up there. So it ends in a black neighborhood. So he would have to walk home. And then when they're on the walk home,

his four friends went into the black neighborhood with the car, and they got blown up. You got to watch this movie again. It's a good movie, man. That Chaz Palminteri guy, he did a lot of shit, and then he kind of vanished. He's still around. He's doing this shit in Broadway now.

What's he doing? The Bronx Tale on Broadway. He just took it out to, see, he took it out to Broadway. The new musical. Got in with the gay community. Look at that, De Niro. And who's the guy on the left? That's the gay guy.

We tell a Bronx Tale. Yeah, this is a good movie the left? That's the gay guy. Retell a Bronx tale. Yeah, this is a good movie, man. That's bizarre. Bizarre. Remember, this guy lived with your boys, and they used to go home at night and tell stories every night. So those guys are pissed because they said supposedly he took some of their stories. Frankie Renzulli.

Frankie Renzulli, most of his stories from East Boston actually wound up in this movie. So he did, they kind of, Renzulli was the guy in The Sopranos, right? Yeah, he wrote for The Sopranos. He's written for a lot of things. Yeah. That world of guineas and

mob movies and mob stuff, it's just like, it becomes, it's like an identity in a weird business. It's like an identity that they put on, you know, the connected Italian character identity, you know. And like from The Sopranos on, that became a big selling point in Hollywood. Like it was a niche, you know,

that people got excited about. Like the Italian gangster movie became a excited about. The Italian gangster movie became a big thing. The Italian gangster films became a big thing. There was a whole bunch of guys. I'm sure you went out for auditions and you were around those guys that were in that loop. It's a dumb

loop. It's hilarious. It really is hilarious. They were talking about it last night. The Sopranos killed the Mafia TV show. That's it. You won't see another mob movie again for 10 years. Because it was so good? Yeah, it just covered too many of the base.

You've never seen it again. Every once in a while, I get a script for a mob movie. Hey, why don't you go read for this? I open it up. If I see Gino, Vinny, or Tony, or Angelo, I close the script. Because you're living in a fucking fool's paradise. It's not gonna get made or it's not gonna do nothing You gotta come and that's why they haven't been able to figure out the post soprano world, right? It was too much they got into the Columbus. Yeah, I mean they even got into Columbus Day

That's how brilliant the fucking sopranos were that's how brilliant the fucking Sopranos were they did an episode about Columbus Day when they sent people down there Nick DiPaolo played the cop oh yeah do you remember they did an episode do you remember that Sopranos started off as a comedy yeah oh yeah

Sopranos started off the first episode was over the top comedy where what's her name Edie Falco was outside with an AK-47 because her daughter was trying to sneak out yeah yeah yeah. I mean, she was a cartoon character. I mean, it was ridiculous. And then slowly but surely, it became this really intense, complicated drama. And it wasn't funny at all.

Well, the mother died, and that changed everything. It was the first show that somebody died and changed the course of it. Because it would have been completely different. it would have ended with her being the boss Yeah, it would have been the first time or her but they went back to this last night with the godfather How they had failed twice to make a mob movie Kirk Douglas had done a movie in 67 it didn't do well so when this Mario Puzo was fucking, the book was tremendous. They sent it to, what's his name? They did not want Marlon Brando.

Really? No, they did not. Marlon Brando had been a dud. He had just done fucking that movie where he bought the island. Oh, Island of Dr. Moreau? No, no. The big one, when he first bought the island in 70, 68 or something like that. Oh, when he bought his own island.

Right, but he shot the movie, Bounty, what is it? Treasure. I forget what the name of the movie is. Monte Cristo or something? No, they gave him a bunch of money to go down there and shoot the movie. He fell in love with one of the natives. So he got like the first guy, hey, Jamie, come here, direct the movie. And he started fucking her every day.

So Paramount wanted the footage. When Paramount saw the footage, they saw birds and people running. They go, what happened to our movie? So they kind of like fucking fired Brando from directing it. Mutiny on the bounty. So he was done. He came back to the States like he was persona non grata they didn't want to

talk to him no more you fucked our money you left your wife for this hot chick on an island yeah once he met her he told his wife

to go fuck herself Paramount to go fuck themselves and he just started hanging out with her go full screen with her god damn I get it

holy shit that's legit huh I think he bought The fucking island Joe Roberts Man She's fucking hot That's some serious

Polynesian genes Right there baby So when he came back They didn't want You know they didn't want Michael either What They wanted

They wanted They didn't want Al Pacino You mean For Michael Corleone They wanted Cor What? They wanted... You mean for Michael Corleone? They wanted Robert Redford. Whoa, what? Or

Ryan O'Neal. Oh, that's hilarious. That's who they wanted for Rocky. That's hilarious. Ryan O'Neal. That's who they wanted. From 73 to 75, we need a black actor. How about Ryan O'Neal? We need a boxer. How about Ryan O'Neal. That's what they want. That answer, from 73 to 75, we need a black actor. How about Ryan O'Neal? We need a boxer.

How about Ryan O'Neal? They love Ryan O'Neal's look, so they were going to put him in Rocky. You don't even hear about him anymore. Well, he's 90,000 fucking years old. What is this? His original cast list, like people he had written down for- For what movie? For The Godfather.

Wow. Jimmy Kahn. Wow. Jimmy Khan. Jimmy. So who wrote this list? This is Coppola's list. Coppola's list. Wow. Corey Leone. Marlon Brando underlined Lawrence Leone. He wanted Al Pacino badly.

He just did that movie about the heroin or something. And they didn't want him. The studio didn't want him? No. The studio didn't want him. The studio didn't want him? No, the studio didn't want him. He wanted him, but the studio didn't want him. Wow. So fucking John Saxon was going to play Sonny Corleone. That would have been

terrible. John Saxon from Enter the Dragon? Enter the Dragon, yeah. That guy was a good actor. Yeah. Robert Duvall for Tom Hanks. Look at that list. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah, there's some movies that just, even today, if you try to watch them,

they're phenomenal. This one's one of them. It's phenomenal. This one's one of them. Don't watch the one with the brought back footage, though. Which one's that? The one that HBO released. I don't like Sonny.

You could tell how bad James Caan is as an actor then. Oh, it's brutal. It's brutal. Have you seen the eight-hour one? No. On HBO where they put them all together? No. They put them all together and they put all the pieces back in. Really?

But you got to have a lot of time. Eight hours? Yeah, it's like six hours. Who's got time for that? You break it up into two-hour segments. But it's pretty interesting. It shows you what really happened with the father and him. the father would just torture michael uh how you doing how's that little white girlfriend doing hysterical he would there's a scene in the hospital where he pulls

him over and goes how's that little white piece of ass doing this shit did you tell her and then he like how's those medals one of those people. He's shooting strangers and shit. And then they go into, it opens up with them at the wedding. And they go from the wedding to the hospital to see the guy, the originally called Slavietti. And you got to see that scene. The dude is sitting there and Brando walks in. And he's like, Godfather, hold my hand.

The Reaper's going to come. But if he sees you, he'll be scared. Like, that's how fucking much they love, Godfather, hold my hand. The Reaper's going to come. But if he sees you, he'll be scared. That's how fucking much they love the Godfather. And then he goes, listen, I'm here with my four sons. He ain't going to bother you. I'm here with your sons. I'm here with my sons to pay their respects to you. He ain't going to bother you.

It shows all that shit. The guy that blew up his wife in Sicily, it shows them getting him in Buffalo now. Oh, really? They put that back in? Yeah, he owns a pizza parlor and he gets in the car and they blow him up. They show all that shit. So who cut that stuff out? The studio or the director?

The studio, I think. Because it was too long? Yeah. You know, don't quote me on that. Maybe the studio, maybe the director. But James Caan's scenes are just not too bueno. No? You can see he doesn't.

But Michael's fucking tough. Michael, Salazar, all those dudes. That's when directing was directing. If you've ever done anything bad in your life, if you've ever done anything bad, when you do something bad, you know your ears ring. Your ears ring? Oh, when your adrenaline

is off the charts. When you're hiding in a bush and somebody's coming towards you and you've got to hit him with that stick. You have no idea what happens to you You have no idea Joe Rogan That's why I have always loved the Godfather all those type of movies because when he comes out of the bathroom you hear the train screeching Gee right, but that's what you hear when your heart's pumping, bro gee.

Right. But that's what you hear when your heart's pumping, bro. When your heart's pumping. I'm just talking about hitting somebody in the head with a stick. Right. Never mind having to come out

of a restaurant with a gun and shooting two people. I can't imagine where your heart goes. Wait, do you just get up and shoot people? Your heart beats, that adrenaline's going.

Yeah. You fucking, you don't hear nothing. Like when I used to rob houses or rob drug dealers, I can't hear nothing. Your heart's pounding. houses or rob drug dealers, I can't hear nothing. You just go under, bro. You just go under.

Your heart takes fucking over. I forgot about this. When I was 19, I was an electrician. Did you know that? An Aspen? Yeah, you told me. There was a dude that used to break my balls all the time, say stupid things for me. He would always go, there's two things about you I don't like.

You're Cuban and you're from the East Coast. So I always knew me and this guy were going to have a little fucking problem. I was 19. He was a little older than me. I always knew me and this motherfucker were going to have a problem. And he'd always say little things to me. Go get my tools out of the bag. And I'd always tell him, go get them yourself, bitch. And I was kind of scared of the guy, but I knew me and him were going to battle one day.

And one day he said something to me, and I told him to go fuck himself. And when I came back from lunch, he put a box cutter to my throat. He got me as I was coming in. He threw me against the wall, and he had the box cutter on me. I was bigger than him physically, and I knew I could fuck him up. I was just scared. I was a young kid. I was not in my—I was living in Basalt, Colorado.

You know, I was not on my turf with my friends. But after he put that knife to my throat, I'll never forget that I fucking like, when he stepped away, that thing came into my mind where if you pull your gun out, use it. Like that thing came out that, and I go, I'm going to fucking kill this guy. I'm going to do something bad for this guy. And I had a guy I used to shoot with that taught me how to shoot guns. He was a Vietnam vet. And on the weekends, I would give him money. He'd teach me how to shoot everything, ARs

and fucking AK. He taught, he had every weapon. He was just a Vietnam vet that lived in Aspen. And I finally figured out why they put all those Vietnam vets around Aspen and Colorado. Why? Norad. Yeah? NorAD. Yeah? NORAD, so they could be ready to fucking rock.

I never thought about that. You know, everybody thinks that if we get hit, we're going to hit California and New York. The most strategic place to hit would be NORAD, wouldn't it? Because they control everything out of Colorado and under that fucking mountain. Really? Let's read up about it.

I don't know shit about that. Yeah, like that was years ago. They always said if we were going to hit, we were going to hit Colorado first. So what happened with you and the guy in the box? So me and the guy in the box cut, I kept fucking like, I was scared of this guy, Joe Rogan. I was definitely scared of this guy. But at that time

I wanted to kill my stepfather. So I went to my friend, the guy that was teaching me how to shoot and shit, and I told him about what happened. He goes, well, if you're thinking of shooting your stepfather, why don't you use this guy's practice? What's the difference, if you're thinking of shooting your stepfather, why don't you use this guy's practice? What's the difference? If you're going to go back to New Jersey and stalk your stepfather and shoot him, start with this guy.

Use him as fucking practice, you know what I'm saying? I was a little pussy. I thought about it. But I didn't like that the guy put a knife to my throat. I fucking didn't like that Joe Rogan at all. So I said, I'm going to get this guy. So I was cool to him at work. I let him go to work.

This went on. I figured I'd get him over the holidays. He was a boozer, and he went to this little bar in Carbondale all the time. And I figured I'd get him down there. So I went to Fred. I go, teach me everything I need to do to get this guy down. And he goes, we're going to get you in and out of there as quick as possible. And he's the first guy that ever taught me a hanger. You whip somebody with a fucking hanger, it's all over. You take the

hanger, whip it, tape the other side, and just come out of the dark with a hanger. They don't see nothing. All they see is this. That's all they see. They don't see a fucking hanger. You know what I'm saying? And I'll never forget, I stalked this guy for like fucking a week, man. And I finally fucking caught him. Joe Rogan, you know I couldn't hear for like two days after I hit him with that hanger? So you beat him up with a hanger? I beat him up with a hanger and a fucking fighting stick. A fighting stick? You know those fucking...

Like Filipino Kali sticks? Yeah. I took one of those and I put it in my jacket and I whipped him with the hanger first. And he got out of his car and then when he went down I whipped him in the legs. Dog, I pissed my pants. I had shit in my ass. Fear is a motherfucker. Like even when you're winning

fear is a motherfucker. And I couldn't hear for two days after that. And what happened to the dude? Never came back to work. Really? I went back after the holidays thinking I was going to get arrested that day because I did it well. I had the mask with the holes. I did it perfectly. I threw all

the clothes away down in Glenwood Springs. I got rid of everything. You know me. I had this teacher that taught me everything. He goes, if you're going to have blood on your clothing, D and a sweat, get rid of everything. So I had a bag in the car. I went down Valley and got through my clothes as I went down the 80. You ever go up and down 82? If you go from Glenwood Springs up to

Aspen, that's one of the worst roads in the country. I just threw my clothes out of there. If I was 18, 19, this guy had to be like 31, bro. I could smell the fucking, I was just whipping him at night with that. Then I took the stick out and I hit him in the legs a few times. And then I got close to him and I said, don't tell noise to nobody or I'll fucking come back and beat you again. Because I didn't want him to hear my voice. I went back after the holidays. He never came back to work.

The guy sent somebody down to his house and never came back. But I was so deaf. There's been a couple times that my hearing has been gone because of something bad that i've done and the my heart beating and the adrenaline all you hear is like a beep well most people are just not used to that kind of confrontation you know no I. Neither am I. I just couldn't let him get away with that, that little motherfucker. You never saw him again

after that? Never saw him again. Moved everything. He moved? I was shitting pickles for a couple weeks because I thought he'd come get me. Did he know it was you? I don't know. Really? I don't know. Really? I don't know. I gave him like a three-month window after the knife thing.

I wanted him to forget about it. Like I was going to do it the right way. This is how you do it. Right. You know? Wow. Can I imagine that was you at 19? Like imagine.

Like stop. There's points in your life where you go was that even really me I mean I know it was me because I have the memory of it I know it was my physical body back then but was it really me when I was trying to write the book I would read

like those chapters I would read it two days later and I would have to stop Joe Rogan because it didn't stop like it didn't stop like when I was in high school like we went from robbing a gas station to my buddy losing $60,000

now we had to rob somebody to get the money then I was on a flight to Sarasota, Florida and then the people you know when I was 18 I robbed a jewelry store and I had to go away I got a call one day and the guy goes come back the guy got it all taken care of. The guy got, they didn't arrest you in 60 days

so he filed an insurance report. Now they can't arrest you. You know, like I learned about all those things at a young age. Like, what a scam. So the guy knew I robbed him. And then afterward, a friend of mine told me, he goes, yeah, I bumped into that guy at a Christmas party. He was happy you robbed him. He goes,

he wanted you to rob him. He just didn't want you to come back because then you'd get arrested and have to pay restitution. What can I afford? $5 a week? Right. If he collects the insurance, he gets a big lump sum payment. Plus, he could lie about what was in there. So I was doing him a favor.

No shit. Fucking crazy what you learned, man. What you learned as a fucking young I was fucked up Joe Rowan isn't amazing that you got through it all though that's the really crazy thing you got through it all pretty unscathed no physical cost me a couple years of my life cost me my daughter cost me a couple years of my life that my early daughter when you daughter. When you got arrested. Well, I got arrested for the kidnapping.

Then I had the kid. And then I had my beef with him. You know, I had the beef with him when he called me a spick and I smacked him. And I had two felonies already. They were going to throw me in jail for fucking life. Him being the guy that was dating your ex-wife. Yeah, John was dating my ex-wife. And when you have two felonies, one more, but he couldn't. And the city, thank God for Boulder and liberals.

Thank God for Boulder and liberals. You can't use a racial slur inside the city limits of Boulder. Really? It's illegal? Because at University of Colorado, when that chick called J.J. Flanagan a nigger, and he smacked her, and he got away with it on Monday at court because she called him a nigger. So the same thing happened. Who was that chick? what was that story some white chick was drunk coming out of a fucking pogos one of

those 18 and over bars and she got into an argument with jj flanagan on the corner you know it was very racist jj flanagan was a football player at the time for the university of colorado from do you ever see that from like 9 89 to, they had a lot of problems in Colorado. They were getting called criminals. But what it was, it was just three black guys walking down, you know, fucking Boulder at 11 o'clock at night. Cops pull over. One of them says racism. They get into a fight.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Nobody was angels. That fucking one linebacker they had, Canavis McGee, somebody called him a yam one time. He punched him in the face so hard he broke the guy's eye socket. That guy ended up going to the fucking New York Giants as a linebacker. But that's how bad that

cop problem with the college football players, it was that bad in Boulder at one time. So when I went to court and the guy goes, there's no charges here. Even the cops wouldn't charge me. They wrote me a summons to go to court, but they wouldn't charge me for smacking the fucking dude. Then right after that, I knew, you know what, man?

If I stay here, I'm going to go to jail. That's number one. Number two, I really wanted to do comedy. I really wanted to give comedy a shot. You know, I was like, I got to give comedy a shot here. How old were you? 32 years old. I got on stage the first time, 1991.

So how long is that, 26 years? Right? Yeah. 26 years, so the first time. I dicked around for the first two years, but like by 93, I got really serious about it. So when I went back to be a dad, I was really serious about that. I had a went back to be a dad, I was really serious about that.

I had a good job, but they kept fucking with me. But that one day when he called me a spick and I smacked him, that changed everything. I was like, that's never going to be the same. I saw my little girl crying. She didn't grow up in that. I grew up in that world with people getting smacked. She didn't grow up in that. So I just said, listen, I'm never going to win this fucking war.

This is going to be a war that I'm going to either end up in jail or something good, and I'm going to kill one of these fucks. I might as well give comedy a shot. What did I have to lose? It's just crazy to think that that was your option, and then think about all the shit that you've been through now. Like thinking of yourself back then, you know? that that was your option and then think about all the shit that you've been through now. Like, thinking of yourself

back then, you know? I mean, when you think about today, like your life with your little daughter and your wife and, you know,

doing podcasts and doing all these shows everywhere and then just thinking like holding someone hostage and kidnapping them, robbing a drug dealer with a machine gun.

I mean, just think that was you. It's weird because that's not you. You are you right now. No, no, no, no. But you have these memories of things that you did. I used a weapon like four times to bust into drug dealers' houses.

You know the things that could have happened, man? Oh, yeah, easily. And then the other times I would just rob them just because who I was. I don't give a fuck. What are you going to do to me? I'm just going to rob you. Think about that guy that pulled the knife on you. What if after you beat him, he came back and tried to get you and then escalated and the

next thing you know, he stabbed him or he shot him or easily you could have murdered somebody. I was so confused at that time. You're 19. 19. Everybody's confused at 19, but 19 and been through the shit that you've been through? Not as confused as I was I was really fucking confused

So I was you know from I think till 20 something I wanted to kill my stepdad And that was all That was all that was getting consumed With me like that was my consumption Like the pain I was going Through without my mom the drugs

And killing my stepdad. But why your stepdad? What was it about him? My mom died without a will. My mom didn't leave a will. So he took all the money, all the jewelry. He didn't give me a piece. I didn't collect Social Security.

You know, I didn't get my real father died. My real father was the first Cuban committee man in Union City. All right? And he was doing coke in 1966. And somebody gave him a package, and it was pure heroin. He did a line of that, and he died. They took him to the hospital,

and they never signed the death certificate in Union City, New Jersey. So they forced my mother to take him back to Cuba in 1967. My mom had to take my dad. My dad's buried in Cuba. Wow. But guess what? My dad got an insurance policy,

and the car owner never signed the death certificate. So I never got that prudential insurance. Plus, my mom owned property where Miami Airport is. My mom had that property with two of her drug partners where that fucking thing was, and I didn't get my cut from that so i wanted to kill the guy so for years that was my whole thing you know when i went to colorado and hooked up with fred he taught me how to shoot and how to fucking you know shoot a fucking rifle and measure distance

and all that shit they do on tv that was me what did your stepdad say did you ever talk to him TV that was me what did your stepdad say did you ever talk to him we ended up talking and shit you know what man he was the type of person he was and I wasn't gonna get shit and after a while I accepted it I was like you know what I'm putting too much stock into this fuck this I'm gonna go make my own money do you know what I am like sometimes we get stuck and I'm happy I didn't get no money because I wouldn't have been the person I am today yeah I'm happy I didn't get any money isn't that funny like that's one of the worst things you can do is like win the lottery or get a big inheritance you would think getting a big inheritance would be amazing for you it's one of the worst things that can happen in terms of like

your ambition if you're in the middle of doing something you got some ideas or maybe you don't know what you want to do and you need to find something you're hungry and middle of doing something, you've got some ideas, or maybe you don't know what you want to do, and you need to find something. You're hungry, and all of a sudden you just get a giant chunk of money, and now you're buying things, and your ambition's gone. You don't know what to do. I don't mind giving somebody startup money. You have to give your child some type of startup money. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm talking about winning the lottery. type of startup money.

You know what I'm saying? There's nothing wrong with that. But I'm talking about like winning the lottery. Like people who win the lottery, it's like there's a giant percentage of them that ruin their life. Giant. Like they've done all these studies on people winning the lottery. So what is it? Because I'm giving you a bunch of money.

You didn't earn it. Like I'm giving you a bunch of money. Is that what it is? Yeah, for sure. Like think about you and all the money that you've earned in your life. You've earned it. You do all these shows. You've built up a successful stand-up career.

You built up a successful podcast. You've done a lot of film and TV. You've worked. You've worked, right? You've gathered up and you make a good living now, you know, but this is all from work, right? There's a buildup to it. It makes sense in your head. There's an effort. There's a reward for that effort. There's a buildup to it. It makes sense in your head. There's an effort.

There's a reward for that effort. There's motivation. There's discipline. There's focus. And then there's a payoff for all that. If you just get the payoff with no discipline, no focus, no lessons learned, it's just not a healthy way to exist. It's terrible. That's why rich kids are so fucked up.

Rich kids that grow up with trust funds are all fucked, not all of them, a giant percentage of them are fucked up. I knew a guy who was a rich guy and his parents were fucking billionaires and he grew up with two trust funds. He burned through his first trust fund, fucked that up, and then they had a

backup trust fund for him. He was buying houses and flipping them and losing money and investing in businesses and they all went under. He had buying houses and flipping them and losing money and investing in businesses and they all went under. He had no discipline, no understanding of what money really was and no hunger because he never had a time in his life when he was poor. He never had a time in his life where he was worried about paying the bills. And if you don't have that and you don't have that real motivation, I just don't think you ever really appreciate success. The people I think that appreciate success are the people that worked for it.

You know, what you could remember back when you were poor. Like I've had people say to me, like, why do you do so many jobs? Why do you have so many things you do? Like, why do you keep moving? Why do you do so much? Because I remember being scared. I remember being broke. I remember having no idea where the fuck the money was coming from or what my future was going to be.

And I was always terrified of being a loser. That's that feeling of not succeeding is what motivates you. Knowing that you failed in the past and that there's been many times where, like how many times have you bombed and you get off stage and you're like, I can't do this. I'm not a comedian. I'm fucking terrible. I've got to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life. If you don't go through those things, if you don't have those experiences, if you don't have those moments in your life where you're unsure of the future, you're not going to have the real resolve that it takes to make it, the grit and determination

that it takes to move forward. And if you don't have that, any success that you do have, you're not going to appreciate. Nothing comes easy. And if it does come easy, it's not, you don't have that, any success that you do have, you're not going to appreciate. Nothing comes easy. And if it does come easy, it's not, you don't have it. You don't really have it. Nothing comes easy. It's so funny how I would never stick with Jiu Jitsu

if it wasn't for stand-up. I would have quit Jiu Jitsu after the third time. Because it's so hard. Because I would have thought I wouldn't be able to do it. Yeah. Once you try something, you're like, I can't do this.

You're dead. You're dead. But how fucking scary. How weird is it, you're like, I can't do this. You're dead. You're dead. But how fucking scary. How weird is it that you and I chose a career that basically for the first two years we're not going to get a dime? Not a dime. And no certainty at all. And nobody understands that. Like nobody understands that, that you're not going to get a fucking job at all.

Not only that, there's no pathway. It's like if you want to be a doctor, you go to college, you get a degree, you go to medical school, you do your residency, there's a pathway. The pathway is hard work. It's very difficult to do. Not everyone's going to get through it successfully, but at least

there's a pathway. What the fuck is the pathway for being a successful comedian? Your pathway's different than mine. Mine's different than Duncan's or Ari's. We all have different pathways. We all have different styles. We all have different points of view.

We all have different ways we deliver material. We all have different ways of writing. No one can tell you what to do. When you first got into this, did you think of any success? Honestly. What did you think the outcome was going to be? Because for me, I thought that the outcome was going to be because for me i thought that i was just going to be a rogue comic and if i was an extra in a movie

that would be the best i would get for me like that's the honest truth you know fitzsimmons and i was talking we're talking about this recently because fitzsimmons and i started out exactly at the same time our number one goal was being a professional like getting paid not having a day job that was the goal being able to pay your bills that was my like getting paid, not having a day job. That was the goal, being able to pay your bills. That was my goal. That's it, not having a day job. Yeah.

I didn't care if I made $80,000 or $200,000. No. No, there was no number. No, no, no. There was no like, I want to buy a mansion or I want to buy a Ferrari. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy. I didn't want a day job. And I knew one other thing when I got in that car in June of

95 and I got on 30th street in Boulder and I headed out on Iris there's a gas station there and I probably had when I took my cause that I left on a thing of a triple run you know that right that's where you left Colorado yeah

tell people what triple is I met a girl in Michigan that was nasty hot little dirty stripper. White girl? White girl, Caroline. And then she came to Colorado, threw me a little dose of that monkey, got me all crazy, and then she went to Seattle. I was having so many problems in Denver that it just, there was no, listen, I love my little girl.

I believe that I could have been a good dad. It just wasn't gonna work. It just wasn't gonna work This was gonna got it. This was not gonna end good This and all I kept seeing was that picture Mickey Rourke at the end the fucking angel heart When he's sitting there smoking a cigarette with a razor in his hand blood all over him That's all I kept thinking about I go. You know what? I'm gonna go to Seattle for the summer, hang out with this broad. But in my heart, I knew I wasn't going to come back. I knew I wasn't going to come back so much that I had two licenses.

You know how you lose a license and then one day you find it, and by that time you already got a license? Yeah. I must have had like $69 on me when I left Bolden. I had to get to ogden utah that was my first road gig ever for david tripple ogden utah i think it was like a 10 hour drive maybe longer how long had you been doing stand-up at that point two years so you started in denver i started in 91 and now is 95 but you got

to remember from 91 to 93 that was a part-time comic I sold Valium's you want to buy coke meet me at the broker I'll sell you coke when I'm doing 10 minutes I didn't write I didn't really know anything about comic I just knew I wanted to be a comic I had a business card and I told people I was gonna be a comedian I was just lying but then I did a comic. I had a business card, and I told people I was going to be a comedian. I was just lying. But then I did a stint in New York for nine months in 93, and that's where I really got a hint. I took a stand-up comedy class.

You ready for this? The guy took the stand-up comedy class at New York Comedy Club in 1993. I train with him now at jiu-jitsu. Really? Moved to Boulder. He's a comedy club in 1993 I trained with him now at Jiu Jitsu really move to Boulder He's a comedy writer in town First couple times I went in there. He's my age so we're both old as fuck He's I think he's two years older than he's got white hair and one day. I go. I was he kept calling himself Frank Frank Frank Frank and I'm on top of him. And I go, you're fucking Lee Frank. I took your writing course.

I never forgot. Wow. You realized why you were rolling with him? While I was rolling with him. Then he told me he's friends with you. He opened for you at the Treehouse in Greenery or something. Oh, in Connecticut? Yeah, he worked with you up there.

Oh, wow. Holy shit. So now we're tight. Now if I see him in jujitsu, we talk about comedy. So I took his stand-up, when I took his stand-up comedy class, that's when it hit

because he said something that hit home. He goes, stand-up comedy is how your world collides with the rest of the world, plain and simple. And I took that home

and I thought about it and I'm like, fuck, it makes sense. And then a week later, I went into your old triple N. Remember your old triple N? Where's that? Your old triple N is a fucking dive that used to do an open mic from midnight to four in the morning in like Alcoholville.

Where's Alcoholville? I don't know. Can you look it up for me? It's online, but it's closed. What place is it though? It's in Manhattan. It's not there anymore. You don't know. Can you look it up for me? It's online, but it's closed. What place is it, though? It's in Manhattan. It's not there anymore. You'll see it.

Old Triple N. And they did open mics there. Just people falling asleep. You know, you went in there at 12. I would drive a limo then. So I would get there at a quarter to 12, sign my name up, and the guy would go three hours. I got to come back in three hours, Joe. It's midnight.

So I would take the limo, go to Harlem, buy a package of Coke, maybe buy a refri. And then I would go there and do my last spot for the night. Look. The old Triple N. Wow, look at that place. Look at this place. They had an open mic there? From 12 to 4 in the morning.

Look at that. Wow. That's crazy. So I go in there. 12 p.m. to 4 a the morning. Wow, that's crazy. So I go in there. 12 p.m. to 4 a.m. Holy shit. This is 1993. I got nothing going on.

I'm depressed. I'm driving a limo. I'm snorting coke every night. I'm living in a little cot, and I go in there one night. Who's in there, bro? But John Leguizamo. He's on stage just talking. But when I was sitting there watching him, bro,

I noticed something, that there was eight people in the audience. But in his world, it was Madison Square Garden. Like, he didn't give a fuck, Joe. It's like when you do the comedy store late, and there's six people, and you get off, and people are like, that was great, bro. Sure it was great, because I had made believe I was at the garden yeah if you think about six people at the store you're not gonna be you you can't think about it that way you know when Paul Mooney like when Paul Mooney always intimidated the

shit out of me me too because I always knew that he was a writer for prior and he was like the elder statesman of the Comedy Store back in 94 when I first started there you know I always had this feeling around him like I was always nervous around him you know and when I first started there you know I was this young white guy in my 20s I wasn't very good you know I didn't I didn't get any respect from him you know and then one day he saw me doing a late night spot like one o'clock in the morning and there was only like fucking 15 20 people in the audience but i was just doing my best i was doing i was doing it and and i heard in the back of the room he was laughing he was laughing at my shit and then uh i got off stage and uh he came up to me after the show and he goes he goes you are a real comic he goes you did that show like it was a

packed motherfucking room that's it and he goes and you killed those people he goes you killed those people he goes you are a real motherfucking comic and he walked away and i remember feeling so good like i can't believe paul mooney just gave me a compliment like he told me i was a real comic like i was in and then ever since then give me hugs every time he saw me you know and he's just like you get that pat on the back that you know that thumbs up from someone who you respect that that means the world man that's gigantic that's so huge I mean when when someone does that to you that the just the the wind in your sails you know it just can take you to a totally different place because you got the stamp.

You know, you got a stamp of approval from someone who's real. I'll never forget that. I didn't know the power of the comedy store. Like, I had no idea. I read about it, and I heard about it from you and other people. I did Miami with Mooney. We're at the improv. What year was this?

This has to be, oh, baby, 2003, 2004. And I opened for him. It's a two-man show. It's just me and him at the Miami Improv. And I'm on stage, and I just happened to catch a fucking, I just happened to catch a fucking, I just happen to catch a fucking, you know, the energy thing where you're just killing. Well, you used to crush there because you would do half your punchlines in Spanish. I'm killing it.

I'm killing it. I'm killing it. But I'm being dirty, and I hear the door open. And Paul Mooney, I could see him walking in. And he looks at me, and I'm killing. Like, I'm having a good set. He's killing me. He's looking at me.

And he went out in the hallway, bro. And the door was open, and he kept yelling me and I'm killing like I'm having a good set he's killing me he's looking at me and he went out in the hallway bro and the door was open and he kept yelling to the staff look at him I'm like fuck maybe I'm being too dirty

right maybe he's gonna complain about me how can Paul Mooney complain about me tell me this isn't true right I've known him

from the store for five fucking years tell me he's not out there going I'm too dirty and shit bro when I got out there he hugged me me he's not out there going, I'm too dirty and shit. Bro, when I got out there, he hugged me when he came up. Keep it going one more time for my little brother.

I got off the stage and I go, what happened out here? He goes, he was back there yelling, fuck the fucking improvs. You know who taught him how to be like that? That's Mitchie Shaw, motherfucker. That's the comedy store. He was back there yelling, that's the comedy store. You improvs, you don't develop dick. That's the comedy. You listen to that? That's the comedy store he was back there yelling that's the comedy store you improv you don't develop dick that's the comedy you listen to that that's the comedy store that's what happens when you hang out at the comedy store that's why that little fat motherfucker is killing us because that's a fucking comedy store and that you know you're right that feels

tremendous when fucking he's in your corner it It feels great. Yeah. He was something special. He would own the room, too. Paul Mooney would sit down. It didn't matter what time he went up. It didn't matter how many people in the audience. He would sit down. He had a little tiny bottle of champagne, and he would take his fucking time. He would take his time.

How crazy is that? I learned so much from him. Oh, yeah. How to control a room. How to control, not control a room, meaning like you're a control freak, but how to get everybody to pay attention and lock into your thoughts. Like he didn't try to do a song and a dance for people. No.

Look at me, look at me, look at me. He would just command presence with excellence. His material was excellent. His material was excellent. His delivery was excellent. He was calm and composed. And you just always felt like you were trying too hard. When you would watch him, you're like, I got to figure out a way to do what he's doing. You're right.

That's what he did teach. Yeah. He didn't give a fuck. He didn't give a fuck. But he legitimately didn't give a fuck. And boy, that guy got stole from a lot. A lot. Mencia used to steal all his shit.

Switch out the word nigger, put in the word Mexican. Switch it up about Star Wars and about this and about that. And you would see the difference because Mooney would go on after Mencia too. Like Mencia would go on before him and do his shit. And then Mooney would go on afterward and and do his shit and then mooney would go on afterward he didn't give a fuck just did his shit but he knew it he would be very frustrated by it you know he was uh it was a big influence to a lot of us that got to see and watch him because we all knew his history i mean he was one of the head writers for arguably the greatest comedian of all time.

You know, I mean, he was one of the big guys. Is that how you feel? Yeah, Richard Pryor. You don't think there's... I feel it too, but there's a big argument. About who? People always want to start an argument with the other dude. Who? The one that had all those specials. What's his name?

I can't think of his name. George Carlin? Yeah. I love... I give the nod to Richard Pryor. Oh, not just a nod. To me, it's clear. It's clear as day. This is not a knock on George Carlin, who was a great comedian. He's a great comedian. George Carlin, to me, was more of a

social spokesman. He was a social commentator. And he was a very great comedian as well. He had some funny material for sure. But George Carlin did a special every year. Every year he did a special. And I think, you know, his body of work is certainly larger than anybody else's. And he's certainly one of the all-time greats.

But to me, there was something about Pryor that was just so special and unique and powerful and just resonated, man. I'll never forget listening to his stuff when I was a little kid. Me and my girlfriend in high school, I think I was like 16 and she was 15. And we were in my room listening to Richard Pryor on a cassette and just crying, laughing, sitting on my bed, laughing and laughing. And I'll never forget. I'll never forget going to see him. My parents took me to see live on the Sunset Strip when I was like 14 or 13 or something like that. I'll never forget being in that movie theater, laughing so fucking hard and looking around at people like rocking back and forth on their chairs. And all I remember thinking is, I can't believe this guy's just talking.

Like I'd seen all these amazing movies like, you know, Back to School or Stripes or, you know, name the comedy movies that you've seen all these years. I saw all these comedy movies that were great and funny, but they were never this funny. Like this guy's just talking. I'm like, this has got to be the funniest shit of all time. And he's just talking. And especially when,

yes, this is 82. Okay. So I guess I was 15. So I was 14 or 15. Is that when it came out was 82? Yeah. So I was 15. So watching this as a teenager,

it planted the seed in my head like, holy shit. Like, how is it possible that this guy can do this, that he can just talk? And that talking and just explaining your life experiences could be so hilarious. That's the seed that was planted in my head. I mean, I never thought I was going to be a comedian. I never had any aspirations. You know my friend Dr. Steve, Steve Graham? Yes.

He just called me. We just communicated after a year. He's still one of my best friends to this day and will be to the day I die. Because that guy is the guy who talked me into doing comedy. I was training. That's when I was competing. And I just loved comedy as a thing. I just loved comedy. And I would always make fun of people and do like impressions of people having sex, like our friends, like, like, you know, I would just

try to make everybody laugh. You know, when we're all gathered around the locker room, everybody'd be nervous before sparring or everybody'd be nervous when we're on our way to fights and tournaments and stuff like that. And I would be the guy who made everybody laugh. And he pulled me aside. And he just said, you could be a comedian. Like, you're really funny. He's like, you could really do this. And I said, I remember saying, you think I'm funny because you like me.

I go, other people are going to think I'm an asshole. I say fucked up things. Like, I say fucked up things because I'm around all these savages. You know, I'm around like Leroy Rodriguez. And I had a friend named Major Battle. That was his name. His real name was Major Battle. He was one of J. Kim's black belts.

Larry Jones. All these guys were savages. And they were just fighters, you know. And so I could say fucked up things around them. Because they were used to kicking people in the head and they were used to fighting in tournaments and taking you know taking bus trips to go kick the shit out of people i mean that was what they did that's what everybody did back then so the way i felt about it was like i'm making a group of very crazy people laugh like these are like we're all misfits you know we were all like people

that didn't fit in in a normal world because we were just fighting and i'm like they'll laugh because they're crazy and they're all they're punching people and kicking people and this is a different world i'm like other people are not going to think i'm funny but he talked me into it and so from there i started writing some stuff down. I waited about six months until I turned 21. I went to an open mic. And then after I turned 21, like maybe, what is it, 16 days later, I went on stage. I turned 21 August 11, 1988.

And then August 27th, I went on stage. Wow. Yeah. But that was just a hundred percent someone telling me to do it 100% I always loved it I used to watch evening at the improv and I would always watch stand up on The Tonight Show but I just loved it like the way I like music now you know like I love watching music and listening to music I don't have any talent I don't have any aspirations but I love I just love music to me it's just it does something to me it makes me feel good I'm a fan of it you know I'm a fan of a lot

of shit that I'll never do but stand up it was just one of those things like I just love doing it and I would uh you know it would just be my number one source of release as far as entertainment. It's funny that you say that about words. Because for me, I was listening to the Beatles with my buddy. And he had an older brother that was a junkie. That's how I discovered Richard Pryor. Oh, really? And we were listening to the Beatles like, I want to hold your hand.

And we're like, this is cool. And his brother came and said, what the fuck are you faggots listening to? And we're like, this is cool. And his brother came up and said, what the fuck, you faggots, listening to that? And we're like, we're listening to the Beatles. You know, we were all excited. And he's like, take that shit off. And he took this album cover out with a black dude on it. And all of a sudden he puts it on and I hear this fucking laughter. And I'm like, what the fuck is this shit?

And all of a sudden, coming to the stage, you know, Richard Pryor. And you're like. And after that first side, I was done. Like, once I heard the wino meets Dracula on Is It Something I Said, that's what. That was my. I don't know what I'm. If it's the niggas crazy or wino meets Dracula. I don't know what I'm exactly.

Wino meets Dracula. Is it something I said or the nigga's crazy? Those are the two albums. I don't know which one. When I heard the last cut on it, which is the Wino meets Dracula, I was hooked. I left there. I bought the album. I brought it home.

Then I bought Bicentennial Nigga. And there's a friend of mine, Ray Cannella, who I still talk to. He was a VP of SyFy. And he goes, do you still remember coming to my house in the sixth grade and your mother catching this, listening to his mother? And I wasn't allowed in their house. He goes, don't you remember that shit? We used to have a band.

I used to be a singer in his band in the sixth grade. Really? You had a band in the sixth grade? Oh, yeah. Me, Ray Cannella, Dean LaPrete, and John Bender. What kind of music? The Beatles. Wow.

The Beatles. I want to hold your hand. Help kind of music? The Beatles. Wow. The Beatles. I want to hold your hand, help. I need somebody, help. Wow. Yeah. The niggas crazy. That nigger's crazy. Look at the title.

They put like an asterisk where the I is. It's like, what the fuck is wrong with people? But meanwhile, it says it on the album. Like, they have the picture where you see him on the album, and it says N-I-G-G-E-R. But then they have the actual title for sale. What's the website? This was DustyBrews.com. Oh, that's an LP.

You can get that in vinyl. Oh, yeah. Wow. Look at that face, too. He was young then. Man, he's like in his 30s. God, he was good. Look at that face, too.

He was young then. Man, he was in his 30s. God, he was good. See, to me, this is my version of my evolutionary chart of comedy. I think the guy who started it all off is Lenny Bruce. Me, too. So I have Lenny Bruce posters framed on my wall. I mean, I just feel like I don't enjoy watching him or listening to him as much because I don't think he was as good today. Because I think that the culture was so different back then that it's not it's very difficult for us to to see like the things that he's saying are not groundbreaking today because he already broke that ground.

And then the culture shifted with it. I mean, it's not just him, but a lot of other people, a lot of other authors and politicians, all these different people broke different ground and cultures evolved since then. But I think Richard Pryor took what he did and the honesty that Lenny Bruce exhibited on stage and he brought it to the next level. You know, he took it to a new place. And I think that that happens a lot when people are influenced by other people. I think that's one of the things that's really important, the distinction between being influenced and stealing.

You know, I think we all influence each other. And I know you guys influence me, like Ari and Duncan and you and all of us together. You know, Tom, Bert, we influence each other and that we inspire each other. And that when you see someone do really good stuff, like you want to do more, Burr does it to me, you know, Louis, you see someone doing really with Chappelle, you see really good comedy, you want to do more really good comedy, and everyone's sort of influencing everybody.

and everyone's sort of influencing everybody. So I think that honesty that Lenny Bruce expressed was so unique for the time. That there was no one who had ever done any sort of social commentary in a comedy form the way that Lenny had done. So and then Richard Pryor took it and just blew it out of the water. I mean Richard Pryor was raised in a brothel.

He was raised in a brothel, Joey. He was raised in a whorehouse in Peoria, Illinois. I mean, Richard Pryor was experiencing life in a different way, you know, and all his experiences time shifting from the 60s into the 70s it became this thing that he was at the forefront of and in my opinion he's like the most revolutionary figure in all comedy he is he he was just so different and so unique and so polished you know i remember i was uh i was living with my roommates and I guess it was like 87 or something like that. We had this place in Revere. We were all living together.

Was it Malden? Malden? Where the fuck we were? We were living in, oh, no, it was Lynn. Lynn, Massachusetts, near the beach. And we all watched a Sam Kinison special, which was hilarious. It was really funny. But then we watched Prior after we watched Kinison. And which was hilarious. It was really funny.

But then we watched Pryor after we watched Kinison, and we were like, wow. Like, look how much smoother Pryor is. Like, that's what I remember thinking. And I remember my friend Billy goes, look how much more, like, polished he is. I'm like, that's the word, right? It's like polished.

He's like, yeah, he's like smoother. He was smoother. He just had a different sort of style whereas kinnison was just kinnison was just kickstart and everything and just fucking knocking no this guy you didn't see him coming but lenny what's his name what's the first guy you like lenny bruce i like lenny bruce i don't think his material is outrageous but i like this cadence yeah yeah man you do man. You do it, man. So I told the guy, listen. He's got some jokes that hold up.

Listen, chap. You know, you've got to come back in a little while. See, because he said the word snap. I don't know if you know the word snap. See, snap is a great word because he's got that love. And I like how they shot his specials. I like how they shot him. I like that black and white shit. Somebody just gave me, in one of the towns, gave me him live from Carnegie Hall.

It's got, you know, it's an hour album. After a while, you sit there, you go, should I shoot myself? But there's a couple pieces in there where you see it, man. I read that book, ladies and gentlemen. That's a book that pushed me over. That's a great book. The one about the hotel in New York and how he did jazz music, shooting heroin all day, hanging out with strippers at night.

Putting aluminum foil on the windows. On the windows. Yeah, I have a copy of that, ladies and gentlemen. I love all this shit. I love all this shit. That's what made me become a stand-up. Give me some volume, Jimmy. Yeah.

I'm having a vodka party. That's my vodka party. Swing it up, ball it up. Yeah, baby. No, I really miss her. I don't want some sharp chick that can coat Kerouac and walk with boys. I just want to hear my old lady say, get up and fix the sink. It's still making noise. All alone. All alone. What the fuck is this?

I don't know, Spass. Doug, it's just, this is comedy. Yeah. This is really bad. Well, he was just doing weird shit like that. That's how fucking out he was he has a joke today that still holds up

about gay people he goes dig homosexuals he goes they lock them up in jail for being gay

where they put them in there with a bunch of men who want to have sex with them give us some volume on this will Elizabeth Taylor become Bar Mitzvahed?

No, I promise continuity, I'll behave myself. I'll do all the lines we rehearsed, you know. That's the thing, you know, I have a reputation for being sort of controversial and irreverent and also the semantic bear trap of bad taste. And actually I do have, and I will always be accused of bad taste by the people who eat in restaurant service, you know, that kind of scene to anyone. But you might be interested in how I became offensive. I became offensive I started in school with drinking

and I was really I was like a real depressed kid you know seven, eight years old and I'd really get juiced and get out of my head and so the teacher would really get bugged

you know with me singing and carrying on and calling Columbus a fink and and boosting Aaron Burr and all that. Then smoking. I don't know if you can see. Can you see that from here? I've got like this tattoo here. Let me fix it. Can you see it?

I, uh, see, I smoked Marlboros and I was six years old and it grew up Offend, there's a funny kind of thing It's... There's semantics There are words that offend me Let's see, Governor Farbus Segregation offend me Nighttime television off offend me, nighttime television offends me, some nighttime television.

The shows that exploit homosexuality, narcotics, and prostitution under the guise of helping the societal problem. And the, except like for a few shows, there's one guy on the coast who's got like a nutty sense of humor, you know? His name is Paul Coates, and he found out, dig, like there were kids that eight and nine years old

that were sniffing airplane glue. To get high on, you know? And so I had sort of a fantasy how it happened. The kid is alone in his room, and it's Saturday. The child is played by George McCready. Well, let's see now. I'm all alone in the room, and it's Saturday. Mother's away, and what'll I do that's good and hostile?

Let's see. I'll make an airplane. That's good. I'll make a landing pad. See, it's hard to, like, it's, you you know, I'm saying it doesn't really translate today because we're just this was irreverent and crazy back then. But today we're like, hmm. Very interesting.

Yeah, he was getting it. He was doing it. Well, this thing, it's historic, right? So you're watching this and you're hearing people laugh and you got to put your it's it's impossible to enjoy this without understanding the context of the time that he was doing it like you have to kind of like put yourself at the time where all this was taking place whereas i think prior stuff still translates today you know there's a lot of prior material that you'll watch today and you'll still laugh your ass off stuff of him going back to Africa,

stuff of him shooting his car because his girlfriend's trying to leave, so he shot the car. Like, he's got some bits that are just still to this day. And, you know, he massively influenced Eddie Murphy, massively influenced Chris Rock, who was influenced by Eddie Murphy. You know, I mean, I think he's the cornerstone. I think he's the big cornerstone of stand-up.

I'm happy you said that. I feel the same way. I thought that you were going to, I like George Carlin. I think George Carlin's a great comic, sure. But he wasn't my Richard Pryor. Richard Pryor rang my fucking bell. I love him. For me, it was Pryor and then it was Kinison after Pryor.

I think Kinison for a couple of years was just a monster. Monster. That HBO special is still one of my, the first album with the lighter, what's the name of that? Live from Hell. Yeah, yeah. That's still a fucking tremendous, I mean, and listen, Dice's first special is a fucking tank.

There's some specials that are just, I used to watch, I used to go to that fourth, there used to be a movie rental place on 28th Street in Boulder. It was three floors. It was the biggest video store on the West Coast 20 years ago. They had everything. I rented that Rodney special from them so much. You know what else I rented? The best of BET for Joe Torre.

Joe Torre. Joe Torre was the warm-up then. Before... What? When he had his own... No, no. Because in those days... Yeah, what's-his-name was the host of the show. Before Def Jam. Yeah, who was the host of Def Jam?

Who started it out? Martin Lawrence did it for a while. Joe Torre did it. But they used to have... Joe Torre was Jack back then. Remember that? Jack. He would do sleeveless shirts.

He'd have giant-ass fucking arms. Jacked. He was in that movie with Janet Jacksoness shirts. He'd have giant ass fucking arms. Jack. He was in that movie with Janet Jackson. Yes. With Tupac. That's when he was yoked. With Tupac and fucking Janet Jackson's Mexican boyfriend. See if you can get some pictures or video of Joe Torre hosting Def Jam.

He would wear sleeveless shirts. Nobody ever dressed like that and he was funny he was funny bro I liked that one where's that guy been I just flew with him a couple weeks ago

where was he he still lives here he has his house in St. Louis he's got a house here he's raising his kid and Guy Torre started that Fat Tuesdays right

that was the thing that he did at the family store fucking great guys Guy Torre is fucking amazing there's Joe. See if you can find a picture of him on Def Jam. Doesn't show anything?

Dude, he was jacked. He was jacked. Like, unusually jacked for a comedian. Doesn't show him on stage with sleeveless shirts and shit? That's Martin Lawrence. Look at Martin Lawrence.rence man that guy was my nemesis not not in a bad sense but in that i would have to go on after him all the time the comic store oh my god mitzi shore put me on after him 50 fucking times those were like some of the

50 hardest sets i ever had like doing stand- in the early days. I would just fucking bomb. Just like the Hindenburg. Just go down in flames. It's okay, Jamie. I never really saw him at the store that much. Oh, man, he was so good. I caught him, but it was before your time. This was when I first started.

So I was at the store when I first got passed in 94. So this was like around 94, before you came along and he was on fire Martin Lawrence was on fire and he people forgot how goddamn good he is Because he went crazy and he had all those issues and you know He's wearing a rubber suit and he had a gun he got pulled over and he said he was dehydrated He was on some sort of drugs and they locked him up in a psych ward like there's a lot of nutty shit with him right so people forgot how goddamn good he was when he was in his prime but when he was in his prime yeah there he is in bad boys but that's not the prime that's no the stand-up though was what was up

when i saw him at the comedy store and you, he would wear fucking like leather jumpsuits and shit and just rip that place apart. He was on fire. And he was another one that had a bunch of jokes that people decided were offensive. It's when MTV was getting upset at Dice Clay. Remember when they banned Dice Clay for offensive material? I believe he got caught up in a controversy about offensive material, too. It's like the early days of political correctness. They decided to get pissed at certain jokes.

You know what I was thinking about, bro? The other day I was driving, and I was thinking about news radio. You so crazy. You motherfucking hired, not Horschak, but you hired Epstein to play your brother, Nick DiPaolo. Epstein, Nick DiPaolo, and Brian Callen. Oh, my God. Where did you pull up Epstein from? Well, they hired Epstein, but Nick DiPaolo and Brian Callen, I brought in.

Okay. I thought that you hired Epstein, too. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I didn't meet him until he was on the set. He was a real nice guy, though. Did he pass away? I don't think so.

Yeah, check it. I feel like he did. You know who's really fucking sick, bro? Your buddy. The one guy you introduced me to from that baseball show you were on. The Spanish guy that was on there with you, nice guy. Spanish guy. Yeah, you were on a baseball show.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking Louie Lombardi. Louie Lombardi. Mike Starr. Mike Starr. Who? The Spanish guy that came to visit you at the store a few times. He's sick? Puerto Rican guy.

Yeah. I just donated to his GoFundMe or something. There's a dude from Star Trek. Remember that dude that's in Star Trek all the time? Fucking, what is his name? God damn it. But he was the older pitcher, and I was the young asshole ball player. Was that Betty White?

Yeah, she was in it. Not Betty, was it Betty White? No, the other lady from, what's the cast? Some, god damn it. I don't remember her name other lady from... What's the cast? Some... God damn it. I don't remember her name. See if you can find the cast. Yeah, but you don't want images.

You want actual text. Don't go to images. Sometimes it pops up. Well, see, yeah. There you go. Rosemary. Yeah, Rosemarie. Ben Greenwood.

Mike Starr. Keep going. Scrolling left. Yeah, Ben Greenwood. That guy's in a bunch of movies now. Dan Florek. He was in... Law and Order. Law and Order. But go the other way. That dude... And Allie Wentworth. She was hilarious. She's been in a bunch of shit. Chris Browning. He was on... He's been in a bunch of shit. Chris Browning, he was on Sun's Anarchy recently.

Was he? Mike fucking Stone. Weird, man. What year was that? What year did it say it was? 94. 94. Jesus.

That's when I had to move to California. I was miserable. I was shooting this the first couple weeks? Look at me. I was like 26 there. That's so weird. You know what, man? When it first started out, it was fun.

And then what happened was with TV shows, a lot of times you have these really funny writers. And these guys who wrote it originally were really good. But they had written for Married with children and the simpsons and the network had decided for some reason they weren't strong enough to run the show and that they they were only writers they weren't like a real showrunner so they brought in this guy who was a showrunner he was terrible and i didn't get along with him at all and they were actually close to firing me or him like there was like a real like impasse between the two of us because the guy's writing was dog shit i was crazy back then dude i didn't give a fuck i had zero filter

i never thought i was going to be an actor in the first place i couldn't believe him on the set and so they would try to get me to do stuff and i'll be like what and they would like give me the script like oh we made revisions to the script and i would read i goes this fucking terrible and they would get pissed at me and people be pissed i'm gonna tell me how this is funny explain to me how this is funny and then you know like executives are going you know you're they were talking to my agent this guy you know he's he's very arrogant and you know he's he's causing problems on the set i'm like i'm not causing problems on the set. I'm like, I'm not causing problems on the set. I go, they took the writer's stuff, they rewrote it, and they turned it into dog shit. Show me how it's not.

And I was very close to killing my sitcom career completely just by having no filter. But then they realized it, they read it, and then they came and watched some of the run-throughs, and the network fired him. But it was close. He wanted me out. But I was one of the stars of the show. It was me and that Ben Greenwood guy. And then, I mean, it was an ensemble show, but I played the star player. It was about a baseball team, a fucked-up baseball team.

And I was the guy who was always causing trouble and wrecking his car and going crazy. And so they were having a real problem with me. But it was because these guys that originally wrote it, these guys were genius. They were really, really funny. And they took their words and just butchered it and turned it into some hackneyed, fucked up sitcom. Which is what they usually do. Well, Jim Brewer was in the pilot with me.

Jim Brewer, that was me. I looked like a baby. So weird. So Jim Brewer was in the pilot with me. He played the mascot for the team. Fuck, he was funny, man. And Jim and I were buddies from New York. There's Jim.

That's Jim Brewer. No, Jim Brewer played the pioneer who, I feel like he got in a fight. Jeff Kern and Kevin Martin. Back that up right there where you see the line on the screen? Yeah. Where you see the words like right there. Kevin Kern, rather, and Jeff Martin. Sorry, I fucked their names up. Kevin Kern and jeff martin were the guys who who wrote it and um they were really really nice guys and really funny guys but they were writers you know

and this was something that they'd created and then the network just butchered it and then it wound up getting canceled and then i was ready to move back to new york but i fucked up and i'd already got a lease on an apartment i got an apartment on moore park in studio city or it was actually north hollywood and uh i was like fuck i already got this apartment like what do i do and so i'm like god i gotta stay here because i got a lease and i was like shit i want to move back to new york i hated it out here i hated dealing with actors i'd never been around actors and that thing that we were talking about before where people just like say things that they don't really mean because they think that you're supposed to say those things because there's like a pattern of behavior that you're supposed to. Yeah. Oh, I thought he was amazing in that film.

Yeah. I thought he was excellent. I thought he had a lot to offer. I mean, there was a lot of that kind of nonsense out here where I was used to real people. I mean, for sure I was a flawed person. I mean, for sure I was rough and I said I just didn't have good decorum, like the way I communicated. I was a rough guy. You know, I'd come from fighting and then went right into stand-up.

And this was only a few years later, I'm doing this. You know, I had my last fight in 89. So this is only a few years later i'm doing this you know i had my last fight in 89 so this is 94 i mean this is just a few years after that i was still very sketchy you know so i didn't belong i felt like i didn't belong there i felt like i couldn't be myself everybody was like reading the hollywood reporter and variety on set i'm like the fuck you guys reading this shit for like it's like this it was just the whole thing to me was like this weird play that people were putting on. Where everybody was trying to pretend to be something so that they can get auditions. And I remember going on some auditions and dealing with some of those people.

Casting agents that had all this power over you. And they exhibited it. Like, they exerted it when you were in the room with them. They didn't communicate with you like, you're a person and I'm a person. They communicated with you like, you want something from me. And I don't know if I'm going to give it to you. Let me see what you do. It was just the way they did it.

It was just so shitty. It was gross. It still is fucking gross. Oh, it's gross. I mean, this is the thing that people have. The real problem that people have with this Harvey Weinstein situation is not just that the fact that he was a piece of shit to all these women. It's his position of power that he had over them that he exerted.

He got himself into this position and then used that position to, I mean, according to Whitney, like Whitney Cummings was talking to me about this. She's like, what you're hearing is all the women that said no to him. She's like, that guy fucked a lot of them. Fucked a ton of them. And it was part of the deals that he gave them. They even went after one of the girls he was fucking, that girl from Donnie Brasco. And she did the movie with Gretchen Maul.

Yeah? She did Rounders. Oh, I remember her. The blonde, cute thing. Now, if you watch Donnie Brasco, she's in Donnie Brasco. She ain't got a fucking line in that movie. Not a line.

Really? She's an extra in that movie. She's Sonny Black's girlfriend. But when you see her in fucking whatever, she's got a bunch of lines now. And it was because she was... Fucking Howie. They just went after her a couple weeks ago.

Gretchen Ma got... Who went after her? Just, you know, Angelina Jolie and the troops. Oh, they're all saying that this is the reason why... The non-dick suckers. Listen, they all got to suck a dick eventually. Yeah, she's pretty. Look, I had heard that there was a lot of them that were actually very successful that fucked them.

I mean, this was this guy's thing. It's kind of... I mean, it's fucked up and it's dark, but once that gets going, and once that's what he does, how do you stop that train, other than what they did? They all knew. They all knew. And nobody

opened their fucking mouth, so you could suck my dick. A couple of them opened their mouth. A couple of them didn't. They got swept under the carpet, and that's always going to happen. But I'd rather fucking, you know, the rest of these, like Angeline, the rest of these people. Listen, I'm over it, brother. I don't want to hear this shit no more. It's amazing.

Like, just the bullshit that these people create in their worlds. And you're right. When you go to these casting things and you see these things, you see the fucking bullshit. It pours out of them, man. Well, it's one of the reasons why people in this town are so crazy. It's because they're insecure to begin with, right? The only reason why anybody becomes an actor, like why people want to be famous, not the only reason,

but one of the main reasons why people want to be famous is because at some point in their life they didn't feel valuable. At some point in their life they felt discarded, they felt abused, they felt ignored, and they had this inescapable need for attention, this hole that cannot be filled. And that was the driving force that led them into acting, where they could be on that stage and everyone was looking at them, all eyes on them, while the microphone was on and the words were coming out of their mouth and they were in the play or in the movie or doing standup even. It's a lot of the same stuff that propelled you and I being ignored as a child, you know,

like feeling like you were nothing. And then realizing that when you're on stage, man, then you're something like that person up there with a spotlight on them, that person's shining. That's a something person. I feel like a zero. But that thing that leads you to become an actor or want to become famous is also like it's so fucked up with acting because you have to get chosen. It's not like music or like stand-up. so fucked up with acting because you have to get chosen.

It's not like music or like stand-up where you can – look, in stand-up, all you have to do is you do open mic nights, you get funny, you build up an act, and then people come to see you, you build up a career, and the next thing you know, you become a successful comedian. That's what happened to you. That's what happened to me. But with acting, you have to get chosen. You don't have to work.

Like if you do plays, nobody is ever going to fucking see get chosen. You don't have to work. Like if you do plays, nobody is ever going to fucking see you ever. You're never going to make it out of plays. Nobody's going to see famous play actors. Nobody gives a shit about them. You have to be in movies. You have to be in television. So you have to get chosen. So you have this whole chain of like, maybe I'll pick you, but I'm not sure. Are you the one? And so you have to develop this sort of personality that fits in with what they're looking for. You have to mold your sensibilities and your ideas. There's a lot of people that are in Hollywood

that don't have opinions of their own. What they have is a series of opinions that they've adopted and adapted because they think it's going to lead them to be successful. They heard it at Starboy. You know how many times I go to an audition, I hear this. A lot of people don't like to audition. I like to audition, and I'll tell you why, because I fuck with them.

Because you're funny. I've ripped my pants off. If you watch, what's that show on CBS that's been on forever? I don't fucking know. The Monday Nights. The Big Bang Theory. The one before that. How I Met Your Mother.

I did How I Met Your Mother. I didn't even know you did it. Yeah. If you watch the episode, you're like, Joey, you're an extra. I'm an extra. You know why? Because I went into the audition. I had no underwear on.

And there was this, you see these things that pop out of chairs? Yeah. The side things where you get your arm rest. Right. And there was this, you see these things that pop out of chairs? Yeah. The side things, the armrests. And she goes, get up to read. When I got up to read, the fucking thing got caught in the hole in my pants, and my dick came out. All three women sat there, and I go, did you see the egg roll? And then I lost them for sure. They even told me, they go, you got the job.

As I was walking down the street on Fox, my phone rang. My agent goes, go back. You didn't even read. I didn't even read. And they called my agent and said, we love this guy. I went back. You came up to him because they saw your dick. They saw the Cuban egg roll.

Well, they were probably not used to someone with confidence that didn't give a fuck. You know, I went to an audition one time bro where the guy had i'll never forget this the guy was a white trash guy like this family moved in it was a pilot for abc and this guy uh is one of those guys that uh he had a little circular pool in front of his house and he was he was watering but at the same time he had like a thong on and he's fat he's got jewelry on like one of those guys like long island you know what i'm saying so i'll never forget i get to the audition all these guys are there tony longo got rest his soul all these big italian dudes and i knew they

were going to get the part bro i'm like they're going to get the part i'm not going to get it but i had warm-ups on all right i had warm-up sound with the string, and I had white tighty-whities, and I had a zip-up jacket, and I had to weigh 380. So I walk in, I go, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to take my pants off. Right? I'm taking my fucking sweats off. Dog, I walk in, and what do you think these two ladies say to me?

Hold on one second. We'll be with you in a minute. So they turn around. That's my cue, bitch. I took those sweatpants off. I took the shoes off and my socks, and I walked closer, and I took my shirt off. When they turned back around, all I had was boxer shorts on, like the tiny whities. That's it.

Tits hanging out. Stomach hanging over the underwear. And as soon as they turned around, they were like, oh, my God. They're like, that is terrible. Put your shirt back on. I'm like, I'm not putting on shit, all right? I'm reading this motherfucker how it is. So you were supposed to, like, wave and say good morning.

And they're like, action. And they're like, can't even look at me because I'm completely naked. And they can't even look at me. And I'm making believe I'm flipping burgers. And I look over at them and I go, living like a doctor. That's it. They booked me. When I got to the audition, that was the read.

Living like a doctor. They even gave me my own line. Half of those auditions I went into, they gave me whatever line I said in the audition. Like whatever they said wasn't good enough. I go in there with my own fucking line yeah that's probably why you got it look at Joey he's just sitting there

that's when you were wearing those big daddy shirts yeah look how big I was Jesus Christ you were enormous back then that must have been like what 2000 then right yeah this is 2000 2002 I remember when I met you like right after I met you That must have been like what 2000 then right? Yeah, this is 2000 2002 When I met you like right after I met you I brought you on to the set of news radio But they they were all like, um, who is this guy with the leather jacket on is this guy your friend like I guess Joey

By the way, that's the Ari comes out of your butt. By the way, every time you call me, that's what comes up. Like, call me right now. Call me. Watch this. Hilarious. That's us in the pool in Austin, Texas when we were doing Cap City. You, me, and Ari. We're doing Cap City. You, me, and Ari were doing Cap City.

Oh, Tate was there. Oh, yeah. That's the old days. Do you know how to call? Yeah, no. Just please. This is why you got to get a new phone. Hilarious.

This is why you got to get a new phone because this is what happens. Let's get out of here, Joey. It's 2.15. I don't want you to get stuck in traffic. No, I'm good. I love you guys. Where are you at tonight? At the store?

No, I got a fucking ballet thing. I got a dinner, and I got a trick-or-trunk. What are you doing November 1st? What is November 1st? Wednesday. Next Wednesday, November 1st. You want to do the Ice House? No, I'm doing it Wednesday night.

You're doing what? Podcast. Oh, you do podcasts at night? Move that shit. Can't do them in the daytime. Really? I always end up canceling, and people cancel on me. Do a podcast on Tuesday

or some shit. This week I have to do Sunday and Wednesday. Oh, you have to? Yeah, I'm leaving Thursday. How about Sunday and Tuesday? What do you mean? And do the Ice House on Wednesday. We need to do some shows together. No, because I scheduled this guy for it. He's going to do Wednesday.

Who are you doing? Wheeler! Wheeler Walker? Yeah, he's back. He can only do Wednesdays. Who you doing? Wheeler. Wheeler Walker? Yeah, he's back. He can move around. Yeah, yeah. He's doing some type of tour or something. Oh, yeah, he is. He's killing it out there.

And then the following week, I'm only in town Monday and Tuesday because I got to leave to New York on Wednesday for the fucking festival. So I get back from Omaha Sunday. I'm just doing one podcast Monday. Bam, bam, bam. I love you. Don't forget, bam, bam. I love you.

Don't forget, Omaha, Nebraska next week, bitches. And the week after that, Gotham Comedy Club with Dean Del Rizzi, Ron White, a bunch of us, the New York Comedy Festival. Come on out, bitches. Thank you for having me on. Pleasure seeing you. Anytime, my brother. Where's the pizza roll here? Let's get out of here.

I got to piss real quick. Right out the door. I got to piss real quick. Right out the door. I'm about to bust. See ya. Bye, everybody.