The Joe Rogan Experience - #1039 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: November 14, 2017

Iliza Shlesinger is a comedian, host, and writer. She was the 2008 winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing and went on to host the dating show Excused and also Separation Anxiety on TBS. Her new book "Girl Logic: The Genius and the Absurdity" is available now on Amazon.

Alright, we're gonna go live. In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... So, tell me about your book. Well, it's about feminism. I just want women to feel good. Uh, I got it here. Um, Girl Logic. What is the difference between...

Oh, The Genius and the Absurdity. What's the difference between Girl Logic and Boy Logic? Or do you know? Because I don't know. I can't tell you exactly the way men think. Because I think if I did that, it'd be like slow your roll but this book is about me sort of noticing that women are always called crazy psycho psychopath psycho bitch you know like oh she's insane we always write off women as crazy and women are expected to be so many things to so many people at once and it's these expectations that sort of we have to take into account all of this. And we try to be so many things at once.

And we have to take in so much stimuli to process all this. So our logic is sort of, it's sort of this like circumlocutious way of thinking that seems insane. Slow that word down. What was that? Circumlocutious? Sort of like, you know, like going around in circles, right? How does that work?

Say it again. Circumlocutious. Ooh, big word. around in circles, right? How does that work? Say it again? Circumlocutious. Ooh, big word. Whatever. I like that. I've never heard that before. So it's like, I'd never heard of the mad cow thing you were telling me earlier. And I was like, oh my God, are we on?

As you were talking about it, I was like, please don't make me look stupid. I don't know about elk having crazy brains. But I just, the base, the boilerplate example is, you know, you say to a girl, what do you want to eat? And that's always an argument. It's like this common trope, like my wife could never figure it out. But it has less to do with women wanting to be difficult and more the pressure on just that one decision. If I say pizza, am I doing a diet? Do I have to be in a bathing suit later? Did I go to the gym already? Am I expected to be thin in this society? And we take all of this into account for every micro decision. And it's all about processing how we don't let

everyone, including ourselves down and all the thought that goes into it. Well, now this is you specifically, like obviously you're not speaking for all women, but I actually got the title. I got the rights to it. I polled 10 women. They were like, it's cool. It's sort of just honoring the fact that we get painted with these broad brush strokes. And there's just so much that goes into the littlest things because we have to take into account how other people feel. So it's easy to say, oh, just be yourself. But when you're a woman, other people's perceptions of you can have detrimental effects on your future, on your safety, on your health.

She seems slutty, so she deserved it. She seems like a bitch. I don't want to give her a chance, you know. So our perception versus the way that we are, we're constantly wrestling with these two sort of realities. Yeah. Yeah. I've often wondered, like, if you could, like, I believe that one day they're going to be able to, you know, today we have transgender people, right? We have people who decide to have operations, decide to take hormones. But I think one day they're, they're going to be able to literally turn a person into a woman. With like a woman. With like a shot? Yeah, well not with some sort of treatment. I just feel like it

sounds crazy to say today people say, no, you can't change your chromosomes. Well, today you can't change your chromosomes. But 200 years ago, the idea of sending a video to someone in Australia would be ridiculous. Right? So like what we've been able to do just over a short period of time relatively is pretty staggering.

And if you look at like what they're doing with CRISPR, do you know what CRISPR is? It's gene editing tools that they keep evolving. They've gotten them to the point where they're starting to work on human embryos, non-viable human embryos, and they're changing the expressions of certain genes, just change genes, stopping genes for certain diseases. You all right? Yeah.

I don't like this chair. I knew it was expensive fancy chair but it can drop if you want to close to my heart okay interesting mm-hmm but the idea is that they're going to be able to like make designer people sure right so this this is less this is you know you're a woman obviously with your by genetics and your genitalia but this book is all about the experiences and this is more societal based this is less about what you're born as that was that's what i was gonna say i was like i was saying if if you could like

i've wondered like if that was a possibility if they could reverse it would i want to be a woman for like a week yeah for a week but i mean just. Just to see. Just to play with yourself. Just to stick stuff up there. But I think that we don't know about it. The closest you come to understanding a man or a woman, if you're a man or if you're the opposite sex, I think is living with one. Sure. Or having one. Yeah, having one. Yeah.

That's a big one for me was having daughters and just seeing how they just interact from the time they're one until, you know, they're older. Some of it's biology. Yeah. You know, this whole, you know, when you and I've talked about or someone else, but still the sort of women excluding other women. So this goes back to when we were hunters and gatherers. If you didn't want someone to live, you'd turn your back on them and you wouldn't share information and then you and your offspring will die. Right. So some, and you see this in little girls, like they're mean, they're mean to each other. And as you get older, you know, you're taking in all of this stimuli from society, all the messages, and we have to process these things. And then eventually you get old enough. You're like, fuck it. I'm going to do it my own way. But there's still expectations place. And a lot of them are conflicting like polar opposites like you have to be sexy but also demure outgoing but don't be too pushy and too pushy or outgoing

they're relative depending on who's in your path so and women have to take these things into account because we got to do everything second. We didn't create professional sports or corporations. We're late to the game for everything. So it's a man's world and you do have to take into account those rules and it sucks. But these are all the things that we have to factor in when we're making decisions. And there's always going to be a certain amount of resentment if someone tries to do it a woman's way rather than a man's way. Do you need a tissue?

It's never going to stop running. You have allergies? I don't know. My nose just always runs a little bit. Too coke much? I hate when people do it. So much bum. Your nose is so little.

I don't know how you get coke up there. You'd have coke rocks that would get stuck in your nose holes. They're still stuck up there. That's what keeps it mushy. Like, I've wondered, like like I don't work, right? I don't have a job, a real job. And I haven't had one in a long, long time. So the idea of like having a boss is alien to me and having a female boss is even more alien to me.

Sure. So I was talking to someone who has a woman boss and we were saying that there's an interesting thing that happens where a woman can do the exact same thing and she's a bitch whereas if the guy does it he's stern or he's a hard ass or that's it's it's all this it's a you know as women age they're gross and men are austere or they're regal or they're sexy you know and right and that's those are kind of basic examples you know um and i think we're moving away from that it's more nuanced things i like you really can't identify with workplace issues i talked to some friends of mine they're like i hate that i have to dumb things down

or people explain and in my domain like i work very hard to be the one in charge and men don't speak to me that way because they're opening for me. Right, right, right. There's just, I don't have that hierarchy. Or they're the manager of the club. And you gotta pay me anyway. So, but it doesn't mean that I don't have a sort of sympathy for that and that I don't understand

what it feels like to be discounted. What was the last time you had a job job? Oh my God, a job job. A job job was probably 2005, 2006. So that's relatively recently. Yeah. I mean, 12 years, 15 years ago. Yeah, and I wasn't mentally present that much for it.

It was kind of relaxed, you know. And also, I wasn't trying to get ahead at that job. So 2006, so that being 11 years ago. That's like you're like a base, maybe seven years ago? Maybe 2007. Okay, so 10 years ago, 11 years, whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. You're like a different human, right?

So like, do you remember it very well? Like, what was the job? I was, the last job I had, I was an assistant in the marketing department of a large company that dealt with like blackjack. It was like a blackjack. It was like a new kind of blackjack. Oh, interesting. And so, but this like nice Jewish guy hired me and I was just there to answer the phone

if anyone ever called, make some press kits. Like it was monkey work. And you were obviously doing standup. I was doing standup at night and I would like spend the days sort of like soliciting people if I could get a spot on their show, making flyers. Like I just use it as my own office.

And I didn't have to. Also, the environment. I could wear pajamas to work. No one ever came to our office. So it's barely a regular job. Yeah, there's definitely. I was like, I'm in the workforce now. It's happening.

I think that regular jobs, there's obviously a huge problem with the dynamic that men and women have in regular jobs. But there's a problem with men and men in regular jobs. I don't think that it's normal for people to be working on top of each other, doing something they don't want to do for long stretches of time. I think it's very difficult to be yourself. You have all these restrictions on your language and the way you're allowed to communicate with each other,

and then you're obviously doing something all day that you would rather not be doing. So I have two thoughts on that. One, it's interesting because we have this corporate structure, which is really designed to minimize suing and to minimize issues. But since humans aren't meant to be put in these boxes, I think it perhaps creates more problems. We're too confined. But it's interesting. I open a lot of my snaps on Snapchat.

And you'll always get ones that are like, oh, 449, can't wait for this day to be over. Hate work. Don't want to go into work. It's all about hating your job, which I don't understand because I love my job and I work very hard to have a job that I enjoy. But I don't know if everybody, I talk in my book about, you know, your passion and finding it and whenever you can find it not everybody's meant for greatness not everybody's meant to be happy and some people are dumb and i you know this sounds terrible like i'm designing some master plan but some people need to just go and do the shitty job you're not contributing not everybody is meant like just go this is like some hitler eugenics shit you're pushing here

make my fucking phone oh no because if you think about the majority of people you talk to like some people are not bright and no you don't have the mental Wherewithal to carve out your own happiness, so do you feel like that's a genetic thing or is that an environmental thing? I don't think it's a religious thing. No, I don't know. I don't know. It just takes all kinds, right? It does take all kinds, but I always wonder like Is it what they've experienced in their life? Is it the family environment they grew up in? Is it just their straight, raw genetics? Some people are just dumb.

I know, but what is that? I don't know if it's nature versus nurture. Can you fix that? Well, I will tell you this. I do think it's more nurture than anything. Because I go and I read to kids at this elementary school and they're all Latino. They all speak Spanish. There's not a blonde kid in the group.

And I think it's very easy to write off minorities. You know, they don't speak English. Their parents don't speak English, whatever. And the kids are so fucking smart. And like they're like four years old and they're reading and they're guessing things and they speak two languages. And you get chills because you're like, I don't know if you're going to have the opportunities I had. And that kills me because I can see that you're smart and you want to like take one, which is illegal and like put them in a good school. But I mean, that's just the way of the world, I suppose.

I think it's diet too. I think diet is a huge part of, it plays a huge part in the way a child's mind and body develops i was i read this article i want to say it was in the atlantic but it was about sort of the language surrounding and propaganda surrounding clean eating and how that term shames people who are poor because you're suggesting that their food is dirty which it is to an extent but how clean eating is just for rich people. That's a silly way of describing it. No, it's not. That's not what it means.

It means a lack of preservatives. Right. And bullshit. Right. And that's all in, and Twinkies are affordable and they're filled with garbage. Yeah, but lettuce is affordable too. I mean, it's not expensive to eat clean. No.

In terms of, I mean, it's expensive if you want to go to Whole Foods, but. Well, you have to define, I mean, clean to everyone is different right you know it's a weird term it is and this is just one interesting it was just one take on it i don't know if i totally agree with it but like i did the i started doing the ketogenic diet and my father isn't doing it but he takes these exo ketogens i guess and he's like my mind is sharp I'm focused and I think there was a bit of a power of suggestion but I definitely don't have an energy dip and I feel like my body's burning clean fuel. It's very legit

I mean there's a lot of science behind it there's a podcast that I did pretty recently with a guy named Dom D'Augustino who's a scientist and does a lot of clinical research on the ketogenic diet and he can give you like real raw hard data but there's a there's a big issue with your body burning off carbohydrates especially in particular refined

carbohydrates and then spikes of insulin and then the dips yeah you just feel terrible and you need a nap in the middle of the day i i've been operating that way for so long i'm not saying i'm enlightened now and this will be it forever but i was like yeah you just take a nap president takes a nap people most of europe takes a nap. You take a nap. And I started doing this and I was just on this press tour and I went into it. And this is sometimes just knowing that a change is possible is almost more important than the outcome. I went on to this thing in New York. And every time you do press, it's like you're up at 6 a.m., you're done at 7 p.m. and it's a gauntlet. And I always feel disgusting and tired and bloated.

And this time I was like, I'm just going to do the ketogenic diet throughout. And I never needed a nap. I didn't feel like I outgrew my clothes. Like I felt like a human. And I felt pretty, which is such a weird thing. But, like, there's nothing worse than being bloated as a girl. And it's got to be the diet because you're burning clean fuel and there's no dips. And if you think about

every time you reach for a snack, which is so easy, or a piece of candy in a green room, you're doing that to your body, the spikes, and that's exhausting. And that's why you're napping at four o'clock every day.

Yeah, it's not good for you. And we're not designed to consume food like that. We're just not. All these refined carbohydrates, it's a massive part of the modern diet. It's just, it's really recent. Last few hundred years, humans have had it.

In the last hundred years, it's changed pretty radically. I went to this thing called The Summit, which is kind of like a giant TED Talk. Yeah, I know what it is. I did some stand-up there. You did stand-up at it? Yeah, I just went. How many people did stand-up there? It was just me.

Ben Glebe invited me. Oh, okay. And so I went. What is Ben doing there? He did some stand up before. And so I did it. And then after, you know, it fosters this environment of sort of open mindedness and just talking.

You can just talk to people. And it was the first week of the diet. So I had the keto flu and I had to leave the comedy store one night. I had a second show and I was talking to Steve Simone about cheese and I almost threw up and I was like, I have to leave the comedy store one night. I had a second show, and I was talking to Steve Simone about cheese, and I almost threw up, and I was like, I have to go home. Because my own diet was making me so nauseous, because that's part of it. You get sick at the beginning.

I never got that. I just got tired. Really? I got it to the point where it was fucking with my workouts. My workouts felt flat. But exogenous ketones are the way to kill that. So I was taking those, too. But it's also, you're kind of like, you're reading stuff, and you're kind of sussing out what works for you and trying to find the right balance.

Anyways, but I was not feeling well, but I was talking to everyone about this diet. I was like, this could not be more LA. I'm like, hi, I'm Eliza. I'm on a diet. Check it out. Yeah, on the keto diet too. On the keto diet. That's big LA.

And it's also like an intense thing. Like you're changing everything. So when you say you have a diet, people want to tell you what's wrong with it. And I was like, my favorite part of a diet is people telling me how wrong I am for spending all this money and doing this. And this one guy came up and he's like, I'm a vegan. And I was like, okay. And he starts explaining why he's basically a better person. And I was like, but your shoes are leather.

So fuck you. And I was like, okay. He's like, you're impacting the world in a negative way. I'm like, okay, but do you recycle? He's like, but your shoes are leather. So fuck you. And I was like, okay. He's like, you're impacting the world in a negative way. I'm like, okay, but do you recycle? He's like, no. Like, we all do what we can. And you're not a better person just because you happen to eat only herbs. And maybe you don't drive a Prius.

Like, who knows where you're making your shitty carbon footprint. What is the desire to project that on people? Absolutely. I was like, this, I don't, I'm not telling anyone to do it. I was just saying what I'm doing. I mean, you're not saying you're a better person for that. No. But him saying he's a better person for that.

He didn't say it, but he was acting like it. You know what I'm saying? It's one of the reasons why people do that. It's this moral high ground that they take. That being said. That being said. When I see people eating garbage, I do feel superior. I'm like, I'm not hungry.

When you realize they're doing something bad to their body, It's the way I feel when I see someone smoking cigarettes. Right. I'm like, ah, man. But I'm not going to say something to you. You should walk up to them and start coughing. Okay. Can I tell you? Yes.

I was at Starbucks the other day and I just was running into grabbing an espresso shot because I have one every time I work out. And I go in and there's a girl there. And like we're comics. So a big part of our job is sort of scanning people, identifying what they are, making assumptions. Because we're usually right. So this girl in front of me and she's standing there holding a snack. Because we're usually right.

We're usually right. That's why we're successful. And she's holding her snacks. And I can see that she's kind of weighing her options. Right. One's an apple. Yeah. And I see her grab a banana.

Right. So to me, for the most most part when women do that it is about a dietary thing you're trying to lose weight she looked like she was maybe going to the gym i don't know so just trying to be a good girl to another girl i just because i thought she was making like a sugar-based decision i go you know bananas full of sugar just because i didn't know that i did because someone told that to me because you always think a banana is healthy you put it in a smoothie you put a shake i didn't know it had so much sugar. So I just said it just as a like, hey, girlfriend.

I didn't know this either. And so she and and oh, God, what she says. She looked at me and she said something and she was and then the barista like got a tune. She goes, fruit has a lot of sugar. I go, well, blueberries have a low glycemic index and just bananas have more. I just didn't know. That was it. I was just trying to be cool. I go, well, blueberries have a low glycemic index and just bananas have more. I just didn't know. That was it. I was just trying to be cool. I leave. I'm

walking through the courtyard and I hear this, excuse me, and it's the girl from inside. She goes, did you know dyeing your hair causes cancer? Oh, I'm sorry. That was it. In the place I go, the banana sugar, she goes, but it has potassium. And I go, but we don't really know what potassium does, do we? I mean, we know it's in bananas. Like, I was just trying to be funny.

And I leave and she comes across and goes goes do you know the dye in your hair causes cancer i joke i thought she was fucking with me and i go yeah but there's a lot of potassium in hair dye and she goes you really shouldn't tell people what they should and shouldn't eat you don't know what i'm going through and i was like i do now crazy oh crazy yeah she was that is crazy that is crazy that is crazy girls are crazy? Oh, for sure. Okay. Oh, yeah. Some people are fucking, if you're gonna, like, you're gonna tackle me in a courtyard and tell me to go fuck myself because I just said bananas have shirt. She got, like, so offended.

Well, you are slim and maybe she was not. She was fine. She was fine looking. She was fine. She was fine. Maybe she has a body image thing. Who doesn't? My point is, if you can't suss out that I was just making talk.

Jamie's super comfortable with his body. Yeah, I'm pretty comfortable with mine. All right. But the point is, and I asked everyone, I was like, was I wrong in saying the sugar thing? Well, sometimes you just catch someone, like I've always described it this way, like most people all day long, if you're lucky, people are at like a two or a three out of 10 on the outrage scale. But you might run into someone

who's at a nine. For sure. They might've just got dumped. Their car might be getting repossessed. They might've just got fired. They might've just got yelled at by their mom. There might be like a whole series of things. She might've just been fat shamed.

And then you were behind her with the fucking banana talk. Banana sugar. This bitch. If you're listening, which I doubt it because you don't seem like the kind of person that wants to be enlightened. But if you're listening, this is not a good apology.

Maybe she knows about cancer and hair dye and that's what she wanted to tell you. Well, I'm not going to not be blonde. I'm not going to walk around with like roots just because it causes cancer. Maybe. I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm sorry, banana lady. Banana ladies, you need a hug. Does hair

dye actually cause cancer? I've never read that. What doesn't? Well, living in a city causes cancer, for sure. Oh my god. It's gotta be bad for you. They say that living near a highway, like if you live within a certain distance of a highway, can shave

10 years off your life. I believe that, not just from sm years off your life. I believe that. Not just from smog, but anxiety. I believe Twitter is slowly killing us. I really do. And I have a foil helmet to prove it. The amount of anxiety it causes, I think the bad far outweighs the good. Do you read comments and talk back to people and have conversations?

You and I had a conversation at the improv where you were frantic. That sounds like me. Like a year ago, you were getting into it with someone. God damn it, I wish I could remember what it was about. But you were fucking pissed. And you were frantic and you'd been going at it with all these people and they were pissed at you. Do you remember?

I wonder if it was the Make America Great Again thing that I went through, which was horrible. It was something about racism. Sounds like my run-in with hashtag MAGA. Maybe that's what it was. But we were in the front of the improv, and you were so fucking frantic and angry and frustrated. And I said, let's just don't read that stuff. Just don't engage.

You wouldn't engage with those people in real life. And you're like, you're right. But I have to fucking tell them I say this I can genuinely tell you this I gave it up Um, I had like my own thing I did this interview and some girls got like butthurt over something and it was then that I was like, you know what? I'm done. I'm done reading all of this So I'll skim it once in a while for like like a retweet about something or if someone's posting something but I

if you look at my tweets they're all just sort of self generating there's no responses anymore I've just decided like you're following me for a reason so what I say is what I'm saying and I don't need to backtrack and that's just the stance that I've taken because it really is like screaming into a pillow

like that's all it stance that I've taken because it really is like screaming into a pillow. Like that's all it is. Like with all. And by the way. But don't you find interesting. Do you find interesting things and then tweet them out to people like, hey, look at this cool article I just read. I will retweet people's things if I think someone's brilliant. There's this girl, Jess Dweck, who I can't stop talking about, who has she's like single handedly upending the Trump administration. Like her tweets are so brilliant.

What is her name? Jess Dweck. How do you spell that? I think it's D-W-E-C Trump administration. Like her tweets are so brilliant. What is her name? Jess Dweck. How do you spell that? I think it's D-W-E-C-K. I think I follow. She's just so good. And I just believe in, if something's good, perpetuating it and putting it out there. So I retweet hers.

If somebody says something funny, I retweet it. But I don't answer people. D-W-E-C-K? Just get ready for a boost. Yeah, they're just hot fire. But she does a good job, so I like to retweet it. Oh, V. Dweck. V. Dweck is her name.

She was on a show I did last night. I did a women-only invite show, and she did it. Ooh, women-only. Yeah. Could I go if I wore drag? No. I'm not allowed to nope because i'd be like what if i identify as a woman so people ask that and i was just like you can come

but no one did that oh you can come if you identify if you're a trans woman i'm not going to be the one to tell you what did you just figure it out like five minutes before the show yeah then here's why you can't because it's about a lifetime as a woman so if you were always a man you probably just aren't going through the same things that a woman who's a woman was born a woman is but you can come i'm not going to be the one to say no um what's your stance on transracialism it's okay oh oh sorry no no i didn't get the one yeah like that like uh the rachel dolezal person i don't think it works you can't be another race well how can you be a woman then how can the man be a woman what if you really you're right how can if a man feels like he's a woman why is that different than a man feeling like he's like there was one that i tweeted yesterday a guy who believes

he's filipino he was born i think he's guy who believes he's Filipino. He was born white. I think he's transgender as well. He's got both things going on. You know, I think it's people that just don't like who they are and they feel like a radical shift. There he is. Let me say this. Transracial man born white says he feels Filipino. And by the way, that makes it into USA Today.

Is he a nurse? He's dressed in scrubs. This is where the fucking news has gone. Maybe that's why he feels Filipino. I don't think that's scrubs. It's like tie dye. It looks like scrubs. This is where, and he has purple highlights in his hair.

Can I just say that it seems to be the issue is when white wants to be another color. Everybody has been forced to sort of take on white characteristics. Black girls flatten their hair. Right. Nose jobs. Do you know about Sammy Sosa? Yeah, and getting lighter. Do you know what he looks like now?

Yes, I do. Because. He looks like you. He he looks like now? Yes, I do. Because. He looks like you. He looks just like me. Tiny nose. He doesn't have a tiny nose, but he has like literally your color skin. So my best friend, her wife is Dominican and she posted a picture of it and she was like, this is not a joke.

It's so sad that he feels that he has to do this. Yeah. Holy shit. Just look at that. He's a fat white guy. He looks like the Gerber baby. I mean, I guess he got off the steroids and that's when his body sort of started getting fucked up and doesn't work out anymore.

Nobody. He's big now. Nobody white is outraged when you try to be white. I think people of color get angry when it goes the other way. Right. Because they're like, you don't get to just take on our look as a costume. Right. And I think that's the social issue.

Yeah. No, for sure. But that's, I guess that's my only answer. Right. But what if that's what you really feel like you would be happy? I think do it privately. Do it privately. Wear a Dominican Day Parade costume under your overcoat.

Well, you can get away with some of it, right? Like affectations. Like you can get away with like, if youcoat. Well, you can get away with some of it, right? Like affectations. Like you can get away with like, if you're a rapper, you can sort of talk. Sure. MC Search. I think it's like teetering on that line. Who's MC Search? You don't remember?

Third base. He used to have a TV show and it was horrible. It was a talk show, but he was going to keep it real. Was he white? Yeah, it was so bad that Opie and Anthony used to play clips from MC Search's show. Is that him? Yes, that's him. Is he Jewish?

Because we do this. We love hip hop. Yes. Yeah, that's him from back in the day. I was a big fan of Third Base. I love them as a band. But his show, well, you know what? His show, here's the difference between his show and what his show could be.

Look at that sweater. Yeah. That's awful. But he. Looks like he's being choked out by his own shirt. It looked like he was also wearing makeup and he was also being, I'm sure, produced. Yeah. You got to be yourself.

And you can't be yourself if you're on a fucking network. You just can't. They're not going to let you. They're going to force you into some box. They're going to figure out a way to sell you. Like, this is what you're going to be. You're going to be the this guy. I did a pilot network. You just can't. They're not going to let you. They're going to force you into some box. They're going to figure out a way to sell you. Like, this is what you're going to be. You're going to be the this guy. I did a pilot for.

Look at him. Hey, search. I think it was Oxygen. And they were like, we need you to say things like keep it 100. Ooh, can you say that for me? Keep it 100. I like it. Y'all.

Keep it 100. I was like, this is just. Nobody says that, you stupid fuck. It was a while ago. But this is how dumb they are. Yeah. People write that. They don't fucking say it. No one says keep 100 you dumb cunt who are you who are you and that's

why i don't have a pilot with them but it's always that i always watch tv and the advertising is always one step removed from what's like cool now right because by the time they push it through corporate it's too late it's like yeah what's that like guess what no what's that? Like, guess what? No one's saying it anymore. Right. Remember what's up? Remember that one guy that had that great video where it was like him calling his friends, what's up? His friends were like, what's up?

It was hilarious. That was like the 90s, right? Here's another one that bothers me when people say, I almost threw up in my mouth. You didn't invent it. Stop using it in commercials. Yeah. That's not good. It's bad.

Yeah. There's a bunch of those that they use and they go, ooh, this will connect with the kids. We'll be able to sell more things. Well, the worst is when execs go, we want to make a viral video. I'm like, you can't. It becomes viral. It goes viral.

We'll make a viral video. And then what was the other one? When people, oh, it's bingeable. When I was on Freeform, we want bingeable. We want everyone to binge. I'm like, you don't decide that you're going to binge it. Just because you put all your content out there, you binge things because you decide. It's bingeable.

It's hot. It's now. It's fresh. Oh, God. Oof. How can you be in that industry and keep it real? That's what I want to know. Can you keep it real?

Can you keep it 100? Look at that lady. No. What is she doing? Is she doing the dab? She's dabbing to know. Can you keep it real? Can you keep it 100? Look at that lady. What is she doing? Is she doing the dab? She's dabbing on them. Are you sure she's dabbing or is she just doing Tai Chi in the park?

It definitely says it on her shirt. It definitely says it on a shirt that she doesn't know she's wearing. I didn't realize. She can't read. That lady's blind.

No. She's 150,000 years old. Hashtag keep pounding. We think it's so funny when old people talk as if they were ever young and fucking. Like as if they've never had sex. I know, right?

Like that lady probably at one point in time was a dick connoisseur. Now she's out there in the park not knowing what the fuck she's wearing. She could still be a dick connoisseur in the park. That's probably the best place. Probably. To be sampling dick. It's probably hard to get a good one though. At that age.

It's probably real tough. Because it's all about enthusiasm i feel like dudes are pretty down with old ladies like old dudes yeah oh yeah well that's an issue um a friend of mine one of his buddies worked at a old folks home and said that one of the big issues was these old guys would get viagra. Yeah. And these old ladies, they didn't give a fuck. And a lot of them are on antidepressants. So they're like, la la la, who gives a shit? Like, they're

on Xanax. They're getting STDs. Well, I don't know if it was that. That's something that I heard about. Really? Like, it's rampant because that's happening. That's probably really bad when you're old, right? Oh my god. Because, like, your body doesn't heal so good. No, I mean, syphilis when you're old, right? Oh, my God. Because your body doesn't heal so good. No, I mean, if you- You catch syphilis when you're fucking 98.

Well, herpes is like an attack on your immune system. There it goes. The new erotic frontier, sex in nursing homes. Until recently, nursing homes frowned on sex. Now, increasingly, they smile. Oh, well, that makes sense. Why shouldn't they have fun? Look at this.

smile. Oh, well that makes sense. Why shouldn't they have fun? Look at this. When Aubrey Davidson, age 85, met a special guy at the Hebrew home in Riverdale in the Bronx, New York, they did more than sit next to each other in the dining room. He invited her to his room. They hung a

do not disturb sign on the door. And at breakfast the next morning, they both sported broad smiles. That's terrible writing. It's not good writing. But also calling it, what does the breakfast the next morning they both sported broad smiles terrible writing like that was written like a fourth but also calling it what does the top say the you see the new erotic frontier you're like oh and it's like sex and nursing homes you're like oh there goes the boner well it sounded so hot yeah that's not it's not exciting for me but there's a whole category on you porn for that so yeah old people they. Some people do like

watching old people fuck. You know what I watched the other day? I'm not proud of it, but I will admit to you. I watched an old... Say my special. I watched an old porn star still at it. Stop highlighting. I don't care about this article. Sex always provides exercise. Or this topic. And at the time of life

when many elderly feel cold, sleeping as a pair provides warmth. Okay. Aw, that's cute. Great. Oh, look at this, though. Hold on. Go back. Go back to that.

Relationships make people happier, and the happiness reduces stress and irritability and improves mood, appetite, sleep, sociability, and immune function. So do plants. Read that first sentence. Oh, how dare you. Read the first sentence. It says the Hebrew home. That first one at the bottom.

Oh, the Hebrew home does more than tolerate resident nookie. Who wrote this? The faculty holds, probably someone who works at the Hebrew home. It's propaganda.

The faculty holds regular happy hours, dances, and even organized a dating service for residents. G-date. G for grandparents. I likedate. G for grandparents.

I like it. That's great. Whatever. No one's getting hurt. Yeah. Who cares? And they're enjoying themselves. These people fought for our country.

Some of them probably did. Let them fuck. This is like an age, like there might have been a few draft dodgers from Vietnam in that mix. What about Korea? The forgotten war. Yeah, by the way, neither one of those wars were they really fighting for our country. But no, but they still went. They still went.

But Vietnam was a draft. Vietnam was a horrible thing, but they still went. They still went. Well, it's not their fault. It was a bullshit war. It was a bullshit war. For sure, but it's not their fault. It was the most bullshit war.

The most bullshit war. Well, it was the most bullshit war because it was literally founded on bullshit. Do you know about the Gulf of Tonkin? I know all about the Vietnam War. You know, it was a false flag that got us into Vietnam. It never happened, this Gulf of Tonkin incident. I'll take it a step further. I think the threat of communism is something that we like to do to scare Americans.

And the poor Laotians just got caught in the middle of all of this. I went to Vietnam and they still have, I'm sorry, I went to Cambodia and they still have like active mines because we dropped I think more bombs. I think it was like several million or something. And it's still an active thing. Like people are still losing body parts to this. Sure, farmers.

And we're just like, whoopsie daisy, sorry. And they're not an angry people. I don't know if the threat of communism was perceived as real. Because I think if you look at the rest of the world, like we were obviously in conflict with the Soviet Union. They were worried about China, you know, Marxism and Mao and all the various issues that people had overcome. I think they were worried that communism was going to spread. I think it's just one of those things where once a witch hunt starts yeah you

know like the mccarthyism era that's that's really fucking scary that shit where they were going after people and ruining their lives they'd went to a meeting sure like if you went to a communist meeting i mean we definitely blacklisting people yeah you know and it's it's a fine line because it's like well you're an american so you these rights. And then like who's deciding that line? I wonder if we're kind of getting into that now with what we're able to say online with the whole sexual predator thing, which you want to talk about draining a swamp. Like, it's great what's happening now. But then you're going to get guys who are like, I never did anything. It's like, well, sorry.

Now no one wants to work with you. Well, there's people that are absolutely guilty that are getting caught. Yeah. And then there's people for sure that are going to get accused by people who really just want attention. You're going to have that too, but I think you're going to have way less of that. I think you're going to have less of that because I think the stakes are so high that for you to do that, for you to be the type of person that accuses someone just for your

own personal gain. Right. I feel like it's not going to happen as much just because it's such a serious thing right now. It is such a serious thing, but there's so much weirdness to it. Like George Sakai, a guy says he grabbed his dick in 1981. Hey, dude. You let it go.

Walk that off. Walk it off. I'm sorry. It's also it's not as damaging as it is when a man does it to a young woman. 100%. Thank you for saying that. It isn't. That's so true.

I've been saying this on stage, and I have a bit. I don't want to reveal it here, but there's a big difference between being threatened for your life. Like, if you're dealing with a situation, like, all right, this is not to throw Louis C.K. under the bus,

but someone was saying, like, what's the big deal if someone's masturbating in front of you? This is what I said. They've never had it happen. You're a man.K. under the bus, but someone was saying, like, what's the big deal if someone's masturbating in front of you? This is what I said. They've never had it happen. You're a man, okay, and if a woman was masturbating in front of me, I would not be worried. You're not threatened for your safety. Exactly. I'd be like,

okay, you want to do that? Alright. But if a man is doing it, and they're blocking the door, and it's a man that, look, I was in the green room, not the green room, the bar area, the comedy store. You know that little narrow pathway? And this guy walked by, it was about three months ago, and he was six foot seven, 300

plus pounds. And when he walked by me, I just looked at him, he looked at me, I got physically nervous. Yeah. Physically nervous. Sure. Like I was thinking, okay, if this guy decided he was going to kill me, he just looked at him, he looked at me, I got physically nervous. Yeah. Physically nervous. Sure. Like I was thinking, okay, if this guy decided he was going to kill me, he was going to smash me, there's almost nothing I could do about it.

He's so much bigger than me. That is how almost every woman feels around a large man. This is the thesis for my last special, for Confirmed Kills. You have a thesis? I talk about it, it's at length, how it all goes back to the fact, all of the suppression,

all of your nervousness as a woman, all of it goes back to the fact that men are physically stronger than women. Yes. And my whole joke is if we were stronger, if women were stronger, we wouldn't have waited for the right to vote. Would have been like,

I'm going to the polls, out of the way, Jedediah. So it all goes back to that. And I think for some guys it's hard to grasp what that feels like to feel physically inferior because it's not mental mentally inferior it's not someone's funnier your life is threatened when a guy blocks the door when a guy's in your way when you're in some guy's home and maybe he doesn't want to hear no he can kill you that's all even a guy that's not that much bigger than me is still exponentially stronger than me.

And that's just the way we're designed. It's not every woman. It's not every man. But women live with that fear. So it's so insane. You know, they're like he jerked off in front of them. And at the time, you know, this is a very valid thing. Like at the time, I didn't know it was happening because your brain isn't designed to handle like a famous comedian's masturbating in front of me.

I'll file this away. Well, not only that, how about it comes out of the blue? How about you and I are friends. We've been friends for a long time. If we were in some hotel room somewhere and I said, can I jerk off in front of you? You'd be like, what? You probably would. This is not like a rational request.

Like, hey, do you want to get some food? Hey, let's go to the bar. There's no neurological path to this where it's like, yeah, we'll go to the food bar and get food. You just opened a door and dropped off a cliff. And you're just grabbing onto anything so they giggle, they laugh, because that's a natural reaction. You're like, okay, you can't believe it's happening. A lot of girls, like Allie Reisman just came out, the gymnast. The Olympic doctor was molesting her.

And another girl as well. Yes. And the guy's already in prison for child porn, which is so insane. I think at the time, especially when you're younger, I have good friends who are like, I was basically raped or assaulted. And at the time, you're laughing and going along with it because you don't know. Like your brain is like almost shutting down. You're like, I don't know that it's not okay.

Well, especially if you're really young, right? Sure. I mean, if you're a young kid and you're not exactly sure, you don't have a context for this action. Right. And all of a sudden it's happening. You don't know. You just don't understand.

I almost got scooped up by a child molester once when I was really young. I was like, I guess I was like eight or nine. I was in the library and I was looking at these books and this guy came up to me

and I was looking at, I was always into monster books, like monster movies and this guy came up to me. He's like, you like monster books? And I go, yeah. And he goes,

I've got some monster books in my car. You want to see them? So I go, yeah. And he goes, I've got some monster books in my car. You want to see them? So, okay. Got a monster in my pants. I didn't know any better. I was fucking eight years old or whatever I was. So, I start walking out to his car and the librarian sees him and me and starts screaming. She said, Joseph, you keep away from that man.

He just got out of jail. Oh, my God. And I was crying and I ran to her and the guy ran away. Oof. But I think to myself, like, I had no idea. I didn't know what a child molester was. Sure. I didn't understand.

You don't know. And even if he tried to touch you, you're like, this feels weird. I know I don't like this. It's just such a gray area. And our sexuality. Especially for a doctor, right? For a doctor to like abuse. And you think, oh, maybe he's touching me.

He needs to be doing that. I don't know what went on. But your sexuality, especially as you're younger is so vulnerable like if you want to fuck up a girl's life all you got to do is go over and like grab her boobs as an adult and like that's it just go up and grab some young kid's dick or like touch a woman's vagina yeah and you're fucked like it's such a precious vulnerable thing the fact that any of us get out unscathed is a miracle. I had another one when I was 14. No, 13.

I wasn't in high school yet. So it was like the year before high school. I used to go fishing at this lake, and there was this old dude that used to come by the lake. He was jogging all the time. Me and my buddies would fish there. And he was a former professor. And he'd come by and talk to us. And he was always, like, really smart come by and talk to us. He was always like really smart and

articulate and interesting to talk to. And he would sit with us while we're fishing and talk to us. It was always super friendly. And then he'd drive off or run off. And then one day I went over his house and I didn't think anything of it because I'd been around this guy all the time. And he watched me pee in the bathroom didn't think anything of that either like right grown man watching me pee is like normal and then like maybe a week later he showed up at the pond where we would fish and he was drunk and he told me he loved me and uh i remember thinking like, I don't know. Yeah, okay.

I like you, too. Cool. It's weird because I'm fishing at the time. I was like, what the fuck is this guy going on about? And we were in a weird area of the pond. There was, like, no one around. And it was, like, a lot of trees and bushes and shit. It was sketchy.

And I remember he said this to me. He said something along the lines of, you can't have love without sex. Just out of the blue? Yeah. That's his opening? Yeah. He said he loved me. And he said, you know, there can't be any love without sex.

And I said, what? What the fuck are you talking about? And I had a knife. And I remember I had a knife. And I put my hand in my pocket. I had like a little folding knife. And I held onto it in my pocket. And I told him he had to get away from me.

And I'm leaving. And he told me I was overreacting and I reeled in my line and got out of there. But I was like, this guy wants to do something to me. I'm 13. There's no, I can't do anything. I'm like, maybe I might be able to stab him. Probably not. You know? It's definitely, I think about that because especially as a girl, and I hate to keep saying that but it really does like it does affect us the most and you know you get in these ubers like you're like i'll just get in with this dude right i'll just get in this cab and i hope that he's not gonna snap today you know it's not even a cab it's a guy's actual car right so it's even whatever or just walking or it's basically you're at you know you have to keep you have to be vigilant about it because like if

somebody just decides this is what i'm gonna do and we're all vulnerable to agree some guy decides to take out an ak-47 or drive his car into a group we're all just sitting ducks you know and all the preparation in the world you can't fight a gun with your fist you can't uh outweigh a man with your body mass as a woman yeah it's a real big girl and uh you know i don't know i think about those things and so that's why it's tough when you're walking unless you're a real big girl. And, you know, I don't know. I think about those things. And so that's why it's tough when you're walking and you're a girl and some guys like smile. You're like, I'm just trying to fucking survive.

Forget the smile thing. That's such a bully move because those guys who do that, they're only doing that because they're bigger and stronger than you. Oh, and by the way, smiling causes wrinkles. And then when you have wrinkles, men don't like you. You can't have Botox and you can't even smile?

I don't know about that. But if you, like, the reason why a guy will do that is because he can. Like, a guy's not going to do that to a bigger man. You know what I'm saying? Like, a bigger man walks by, hey, smile. Hey, fuck you. You know what I'm saying? Creep.

You're ordering someone to do something. You're ordering someone. But moreover, I'm just trying to, I'm putting on a face just saying I don't want to be bothered because I'm scared. And I'm trying to get from point A to point B. And you're preying on that vulnerability, thinking that I want that. If I want to see your dick, I'll tell you. If I want to talk to you, I'll look at you. They're not thinking that you want that.

What they're doing is they're realizing that you don't want to have anything to do with them. And by saying that, they have like this power to affect you. Well, what's scary. Why don't you smile? You wouldn't look like such a bitch right and what's scary is then if you don't i don't know what wrath that's going to incur when i say fuck off right i better hope i'm on the other side of the street right uh and what's funny because i and i talk about this in the special so i'm not trying to do a bit this is

such a comic conversation we have this thing where a guy says something doing who's sweetheart and you're like fuck off and you get tough immediately followed by what if he kills me it's always our thought like oh my god please don't don't follow me of course yeah we came out of this show last night this like girls night in show and everybody was feeling great we walk outside and this like dude walks i was like anybody got a lighter you're walking into a group of five girls having a lively conversation you You put yourself in the middle. And I walked away. I go, ew, I'm not doing that. And he, like, started chirping at me.

What's your problem? Who has a lighter? And my fucking dumb friends were like, I think I do, sir. And I'm like, this is not the time to demonstrate how compassionate you are. Fuck, don't give him a lighter. Like, there's no reason to go anywhere else. You're obviously a crazy person. But that's another instance where, or instance rather, where a guy will do that because he's bigger. Because he can get away with it.

A guy's not going to do that to a group of guys. No. You know, I mean, that's the reason why he's doing it. He's doing it because he's this imposing, like he's a big dog walking into a room. And sometimes, you know, for shows, like I have security thereafter. And it's not, you know, I'm not Beyonce. It's not like people are throwing themselves at me. But I've found just having a large man, even if it's a friend of mine, standing next to me,

deters even the beginnings, even the inklings of let me step to her and see what's going to happen. Just having one there. Well, that's got to be a thing with girls that's different. People get obsessed with people. Girls get obsessed with guys. People get obsessed with people. Guys get obsessed with girls. Girls get obsessed with guys. There's a lot of people out there that are unstable and they lock on to someone and they get obsessed with them.

Sure. But if a man gets obsessed with you sexually, that becomes a giant issue. And there is no separation, by the way. You can't just be obsessed with me because you're like, oh, she's brilliant and I'm totally normal. No, they want a relationship with you. I had that happen.

I had a stalker. It was a couple of years ago and I did a show in Michigan. Was it Michigan? Nope. It was University of Delaware. And I was going to Michigan the next day. And I did a college, obviously, and the woman working there, she comes up to me, she goes, hey, there's a guy here.

He says he's your cousin and I was like, I don't have a cousin in Delaware. So she leaves. She comes back. She goes, he says he's a comic from LA and I'm like,

I don't know any comics from Delaware also and then she leaves. She comes back. She goes, he says, I go, stop. Stop coming back to me.

This is obviously like several attempts and now security has to walk me out to the car. So we do that. And so I had it kind of in my mind like somebody did something. So I go to Michigan. And I'm in Michigan. I'm there for a festival the next day. And I mentioned it.

I just kind of mentioned it. I was like, this happened yesterday. And the security guard comes over. And he was like, yeah, there was a guy waiting in the hallway after we cleared it. And when I talked to him, he kind of ran away. And I kind of got his name. I think he like saw his ID for a second. The guy was like trying to get in, but he was creepy enough that security like caught it. So they showed me the surveillance tape. So you see nothing but a grainy face and like a black leather jacket and what they thought his name was. So a couple weeks

later, I was going to play South by Southwest. So I told my manager about it. So she tells security there. My buddy, I'm not going to say his name because he's very shy, is ex-Army Ranger and works for the contracts with the government. And so I told him. So he called the FBI. And they gave him with just the grainy photo and what we thought his name was, and they found who he was, just some nut who, of course, has guns and has a record and lives off his family money somewhere in rural whatever. And I was at South by Southwest. And I felt bad. And this goes to women feeling bad for taking up space.

There were way more famous people there than me. But here I am. I can't pick up my badge. I had to go talk to the police. Like, I had to have an escort everywhere. I'm doing like a bar show. You know, I'm just there to hang out with my friends. And I had to have somebody to all three shows. And I felt embarrassed because I have this police escort and like huge movie stars are there and they don't even have that. And I didn't want anyone to look at me like, who does she think she is? But I was scared. And he had. And so it was

the last show. And I thought I was in the clear and i go and i do my set and one of the cops comes over they were like he showed up and we caught him but had they not been there and they talked to him i guess they put the fear of god in him because they were like she doesn't want to talk to you and he goes oh i don't want to hurt her and i'm thinking yeah but your version of hurt and mine are very different like i need my skin you probably don't think it hurts to take it off of me well but how about you don't want to talk to him period like i don't want to hurt her but i i need to talk to her like you never need to talk to somebody you don't need that and it's texas cops so like they love they get super hard for you in the fucking desert and they

scared him off and i've never had to deal with him but for months at the improv at the store we had this guy's picture up jesus christ and i did nothing you know it's just you decide like he goes she's communicates with me through meditation and kabbalah i was like all right let him in that's like jewish meditation do you do that no i think uh madonna was doing that for a while jewish mysticism wasn't madonna like big which all these people that are like Kabbalists that have studied it forever, she's trying to like hack it. Yeah.

Well, she is Madonna. She gets a velvet rope to the front of the line. That was Janet Jackson's tour, the velvet rope tour. I was? I thought you were making like a 90s pop reference. No, saying like she gets VIP to the Kabbalah center. The red string in the water. What is Kabbalah?

Like what, do you know anything about the? It's the study of Jewish mysticism. Right. So Judaism is actually a very ancient sort of mystical, spiritual religion. And this kind of goes sort of back to its roots. And it's something that you can't, because I've always been interested in it. You can't just pick up a book. Like, it's a lot of studying, a lot of like deep seated dissecting Hebrew numbers.

You know, it's not something you just decide you're going to do, but I don't know much about it other than that. Is it from ancient Hebrew? Ancient before, like it's, yeah, it's, yeah.

Ancient Hebrew is such a weird language. I would love to go. It's like, I love looking at old languages because you're looking at like some weird art form in a way. It was the first forms of communication. Like you're looking at you know ancient hebrew or ancient arabic or aramaic or something like that like just the way those things are structured it's the way the sentences are written out i have this um it's several hundred years old but it's a thai bible and it's on my wall like i have it's lit written on these um palm they they they took like palm wood and flattened it out and painted it so it's

like this really like artistic weird thing that's framed but i just go by it and i look at it i'm like this is like i have no idea what the fuck it says but it's just cool to look at like sure weird way of writing and communicating these people had was also fascinating because like they had the urge that we do to record sure everything people are going to look at ours in a million years and be like why are there all these eggplant emojis like why is everything of eggplant and spurting water yeah why is everyone yellow yeah but they had the same I always they have, I mean, obviously they didn't have the same advancements, but like ancient Greece, like, did they have like, what were young people doing? Like, was it, what was your fun besides vomiting in a vomitorium and wrestling? Right.

Yeah. Well, I would just love to be a fly on the wall back then. I mean, when you're talking about people that had very little understanding of how the universe worked or their rudimentary Understanding of science just to hear the wisest of the wise amongst them try to figure out What makes everything tick talking about how acne is the devil? Yeah. Yeah, we want to talk about how women were treated then That's what's really weird. It's like women have always been treated like shit always It's always been some weird sort of relationship between men and women because we can get away with it.

That's really the bottom line about it all. It's like what's happening today, I think, is that because of the ability to express now, like it's almost like something could happen to you in a bad way and no one could know about it, right? But now everyone can know about it. If you express it. Yeah, if you express it no one could know about it right right but now everyone can know about it if you express it yeah if you express it everyone can know about it everyone can know sure and now everybody's realizing that and there's like a shift well everybody's it's like

when black lives matter really came to the forefront you know and all these white people are like oh my god i didn't realize america was racist and black people are like really because we did so all these women now are like yeah this my God, I didn't realize America was racist. And black people are like, really? Because we did. So all these women now are like, yeah, this shit goes on all the time. And I even think about in comedy, you know, and I went on this like Twitter rant the other day about it. This idea, it's art. Comedy is art. And people feel ownership over it. So you get these like boys clubs, you know, I'm very lucky in that I have, you know, like you get like, it's a group of dudes that run the show and they don't like girls whatever it is or the way a lot of guys make women feel and it's so insane i'm like so because you moved to la a year before me and you

and your friends wrote the same jerk off jokes you somehow think you own this art form that i've always felt a connection to my whole life just because you get your number because no i because i but not only that i mean i don't mean do you get your number because no i because i but not only that i mean i don't mean do you get it like do you understand it but i mean does it happen to me does it happen to you no and the truth is i was able to avoid it because of what i did in my career early on because like winning a show like that makes you you get to headline so i was never i missed respected it's not even that as much as i just was never in the trenches as much because i got to headline which is always the goal like i just had a different path

how much how much how many years were you doing stand-up before you did one last comic standing whoa that's crazy right so for me i'm even more firmly i guess planted in my in my convictions about sympathizing or empathizing with women who didn't have the same advantage or anyone being bullied. But I see it at clubs that we do. And these are my home clubs and I love it. Coming up the last 10 years, I've watched, oh, no, he's a good guy. And this guy systematically, daily harasses women.

And all the guys are like, no, we're cool. We're friends with him. You know, it's like. You've seen that. I've seen that. I'm not going to say names. But there are people who go out of their way to be horrific. And I never see the guys around us.

And these are all, you know, contemporaries. Say anything. Because it's like, no, he's a good guy. He's our friend. And women will DM me. Female comics will send me messages. This is happening to me. He said this to me.

What do I do? And I'm like, all you can do is be kind, work on your jokes. Fuck that guy. He doesn't mean anything. But it is a thing. It does mean something psychologically if you have to go to the club and then you see that guy. And if you see him right before you have a set. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I've had, you know, disagreements. I was nervous. This isn't you. When you and I had the thing about your phone number, I was like, I don't want to run into Joe. I'm so afraid of Joe. And that's someone who's a friend of mine. You know, it's already such a weird thing to go to work. But the girls who are like, oh, yeah, I he told me I wasn't funny. He told me I was a slut. He told me this. He told me I was too X, Y, Z to this. He told me this. He told me I was too XYZ to this. And just as if the guy owns the art form when what breaks my heart is like real comics like you or like Sebastian or like people that I or Mark Maron, like guys that I look up to that I think are so brilliant. They don't have time to sit there and get in the head of some girl who's just trying to make 15 bucks. You know, it's not your M.'s only losers well i always feel that we're all in the same boat together and that if you have a vagina and i have a penis it doesn't we're all comics like

i think they're really i mean that's god it sounds like even to be sincere sounds like such horseshit in this weird day and age because you feel like you're trying to cover up and try i'm not those guys hey i'm not that harvey weinstein guy i'm different you can come with me yeah i'm a sweetie we could sleep on the couch together it wouldn't even bother me you know what i mean but you know what i mean like there's but i think it's very important that all of us um that that work together look i could learn shit from comedy from you i can learn shit from anybody i you. I can learn shit from anybody. I mean, I've seen people do stand-up.

They've seen me do stand-up. They do it different than me. We talk. You've got a different method than I do. There might be something you see. It's always, we're all peers. It's art, and we're peers. But I feel like that with friends, and I feel like that with peers, and I feel like that with friends and I feel like that with peers and I feel like that with anyone.

You've got to be open. And if you're not open, you're going to miss stuff. You're also very secure. And I really do believe that insecurity, whether you're a woman hating another woman, whether you're a dude trying to, like, step to another guy, it all comes from insecurity. So when you're, oh, i run this show with my buddies or you know i've been doing it three years i'm owed the world like you're told that you're that you're owed more right oh conquered show but i should have more it comes from this insecurity of if she gets something that i deserve and it comes from this place of you think you deserve something

um and that was a big thing for me after i did the show the men that i had to tour with were horrific like mental scars indelible marks on my brain, horrific because there was this entitlement, like how dare she take that? You know, how dare you win the show? How dare you not roll over and die? But so I see that and I don't have to deal with it as much. Um, but I, my heart breaks because I wish that these girls five years later could look, could realize realize from a bird's eye view when it's happening, I'm like, but that guy's got nothing. If you really are going to be that mean to a fellow comic, you obviously hate yourself so much.

Yeah, but you don't see that. I wouldn't see that. If somebody hated me, even if they were a loser, when someone hates you, it sucks. No, no, hate yourself. But if someone hates on you because they hate themselves, it still sucks. I had a guy, when I started, was doing these like comedy contests in like orange county which were a total racket but i don't even know the guy i think he was another comic and he was like a middle-aged dad and he would on a weekly basis write me hate email calling me names that i

had never been called in my life i was like like 23 or something. You're a fucking bitch, like just railing on me. And I didn't like someone jerking off in front of me. You don't know how to handle that. I've never even had a woman be that mean to me. And so I took it. I wrote back a couple of times, like, what's your problem? And he was just a crazy person firing off at someone. And a year later, he wrote me an email to be like, I'm in rehab now. I'm so sorry. I've got a wife. I've got kids. So you enter into this art form and into the city with the best of intentions, trying to keep your soul as clean as possible. And you have no control over the crazy that's going to be in your path. You only have control over how you heal from it, I guess. Yeah. And I think every comic is crazy in a certain way sure there's just no way around

if you're funny i've never met a single funny one that wasn't fucking crazy they're all crazy it's just everyone's crazy is a different crazy well here's the other side of it so you get women and and my whole thing is like you should be fired from your job for not being funny not because you didn't like fuck someone right but i think some people take it a step further they're like more for women i'm like no no do the jokes be funny you shouldn't get the gig just because you're a girl you should get a chance and you should have a chance to prove yourself and not have everyone stand in the way but this like more women in comedy write the jokes be fucking funny i will i will fight for you to get that chance but i'm not gonna hire you just because you're a woman.

Yeah, the more women in comedy thing is like I just want humans to be good at it. I want good, funny people. And I think there are more women in comedy now than ever before. But I think there's more people in comedy now than ever before. So saturated. It's so saturated. But I think it's a good thing. There's a lot of competition and there's

a lot of support. Like one of the things that bothers me the most about any sort of weird shit that goes on with comedians, whether it's boy-girl shit or anything else, is that there's a camaraderie that we share that is very unusual in a fairly competitive art form. Competitive in that I don't think it's as competitive anymore. in that I don't think it's as competitive anymore. And what I mean by this is that I don't think that the idea of like getting a sitcom or being the host of the Tonight Show or, you know, these limited number of gigs that are available, I don't think that's where it's at anymore. I think there's more people like you that are doing Netflix specials and me, and we both do podcasts, like that kind of thing, I think is way more open to people. And it's way easier for us

all to be supportive of each other and supportive of each other in the art form of standup. Like what's important in our world is don't steal. Yeah. Don't be an asshole to your fellow comedians, support each other. And I'm going to be there for you if you're there for me. I think there's two things to that. I agree. I think it's also easier to be supportive when someone's undeniable. I think when you're first starting out and when you're kind of in the clubs and you're all kind of fighting for it to figure out what you have. When someone's genuinely funny, man or woman, I'm the first one to be like, yes, love that. Like I visibly fell over Sebastian when I bring him on stage. And I'm sure he like doesn't love it.

But I'm like, he's the best. I'm so excited. And you are. I mean, this sounds like I'm stroking like doesn't love it but I'm like he's the best I'm so excited and and you are I mean this sounds like a like I'm stroking your ego but it's true like you single-handedly I think change the sort of landscape in the way that we consume comedy like you have this massive podcast you guys don't know we're in a studio that is at least two million square feet and there are stuffed animals everywhere like once we were. Not teddy bears. And there's elk horns. And there's an interactive dinosaur exhibit.

Like it's huge. He's like a monster drink fountain. It's crazy. But you know having this podcast. And then people see what's possible. So what's funny is you did this. And you built this sort of podcast empire. And there's other big ones too.

But this is definitely one of the most consumed on the planet so then it sort of opens up this new avenue so then you get all these other comics on new podcast too and not everybody's equipped to do it and there is i think a glory in being one of the originals because you kind of pave the way and also i've fucked up a lot in the beginning and got better at it sure you know i was having a conversation with a good buddy of mine this morning about it and he was asking me about conversations we were just talking about conversations about letting figure there's like an art form to letting people talk in a way that's easy to consume for the people that are listening we are a very good listener and i think a lot of

when i started my podcast i did it so i could work on my listening skills i know you were and that was so nice talk about support and you did not have to do that. And I think, and I don't do a lot of podcasts. I beg to do yours. So it's not like you asked me and I was like, I'm busy, Joe. But I don't do a lot of them because not every comic is a good listener or equipped to do this. Well, we were talking before the show started about some bad interviews you've done. And there's always going to be.

It's like you've got to want to talk to people i like yeah i like talking to people like this is one of the reasons why podcast is a good fit for me is because i'm curious you're very curious ape yeah very curious i like talking to people i want to like when i was saying uh like would i be a woman for a day i want to know how the fuck your brain works i know i know you don't know how mine works and i know i don't woman for a day i want to know how the fuck your brain works i know i know you don't know how mine works and i know i don't know how yours works i'm fascinated and i think that we're trying to figure men and women try to figure out our interactions with each other through trial and error sure and when sexual harassment and sexual assault and stuff like

this what's coming out in the news with harvey weinstein and and others and even the kevin spacey stuff yeah what we're starting to see, the Kevin Spacey stuff is not very applicable to what I'm talking about because it's men doing it to men, but the Harvey Weinstein thing is, it's like here's someone who's not even trying to think about how women think.

No, not only that, he was trying to think, how can I do this the most? He had like a network of people helping him exact that plan. This wasn't like, I'm drunk, touch my dick.

This was my assistant's going to escort you in. I'm going to send spies to try to cover this up later. Like, it's maniacal. Did you ever see that article from 1945 with,

what was that woman's name? I'll send it to you again, Jamie. Oh, yeah, the lady. Maureen O'Hearn. the Irish lady,

the actress that was like, if this is Hollywood. Jamie, I'm going to send it to you again. Put this up on the big screen. You know what? No, I got a better version of it where it's not cut off. Hollywood is probably like, yeah, goodbye. Yeah, this is 1945.

She was complaining that people were trying to fuck her all the time and she couldn't get any work because they said she was cold. She was like, in order to get work, I have to leave my husband, get rid of my kids, and be just fuckable. Here it is. Irish film star Maureen O'Hara, sorry, today charged Hollywood producers and directors of calling her a cold potato without sex appeal. That's an Irish slur. Because she refuses to let them make love to her, says the mere New York correspondent. Can I read it?

Can I read it in her Irish accent? Sure. I'm so upset with it that I'm ready to quit Hollywood, Maureen says. It's gotten so bad I hate to come to work in the morning. I'm a helpless victim of a Hollywood whispering campaign

because I don't let the producer and director kiss me every morning or tell them or let them paw me and have them spread words around town that I'm not a woman, that I'm a cold piece of marble statuary. Statuary?

That's a good word. I guess Hollywood won't consider me as anything except a cold hunk of marble until I divorce my husband, give my baby away, and take my name and photograph on all the newspapers. If that's Hollywood's idea of being a woman, I'm ready to quit now. Isn't that crazy? How good my accent is? Yeah. It's very good.

But 1945- But it's so real. But this is what I've always said about Hollywood and this is one of the real problems with the people that are involved in the business not just in terms of

like the way it's set up but the problems for the person that's doing it that's trying to be an actor or an actress here's the problem you have to get picked

so because you have to get picked you have to go into places like please like me and you're already fucking insecure which is why you're an actress in the first place. The reason why you're an actor in the first place is because you want an exorbitant amount of attention. You probably didn't get it when you were younger.

There's something missing. What about people like Daniel Day-Lewis? Oh, he's a different cat. Or like Christian Bale. There's a few of those freaks out there. There's a few of those freaks. Especially Daniel Day-Lewis. He's like been working the last two years as a cobbler. Yeah, making fucking shoes. He's my favorite.

I love that guy. He's such a weirdo. And then when you watch him in some movies, there will be blood, and you're like, oh, okay, you're not even really acting. You just become new people. Yeah, there is that. He becomes the guy on the set all the time.

He's the guy all day. I don't want to spend that much time outside of my body. I don't either. Yeah. But the problem that I faced when I first came here was I got, first of all, I never wanted to act. I had zero intention to act. I wanted to be a comic.

But then I started getting these development deals. I went on two auditions in my very first, my early days of being an actor. I got both shows. I got this show called Hardball, and then I got News Radio. Those are the first two auditions that I ever went on. I just got lucky. I mean, I got as fucking lucky as a person can get. Yeah.

Part of it was because I didn't want to do acting. There is that. So I wasn't nervous about it. That is a thing. And also, I was coming from fighting. So I was used to like really being nervous. Sure, the stakes were so low for you. Yeah.

So I could go in there like, hey, what's up? How you guys doing? Right. I was fine. Like, is this a kick in the nose? No, then it's fine. Yeah, I'm not going to get a concussion and bleed out of my ears. Right.

But this environment where you're always wanting to get picked, that's why everybody out here is fucking left wing. It's not even that they're really left wing. They have to be. You have to wear a pink pussy hat. You have to say all the things you need to say. You're literally formulating an act. And you bring that act into auditions. You bring that act onto the red carpet.

That's why you're seeing these people like Harvey Weinstein who would donate to the Clinton campaign and do all this, what seemed to be like very left-wing stuff, you know, and he was the darling of left-wing, Miramax, which is like really kind of a progressive studio, people have thought. Meanwhile, it's just a house of sexual assault. I mean, I think you can be a total pervert and have good politics, bad politics. I don't think. But that's not a pervert, right? There's a big difference between what he is and a pervert.

Fine, a total psychopath, predator. And it's interesting, too, because, look, Donald's a fucking he's he's the worst that being said we're going out and we're attacking people there are people like i don't speak to my parents they voted for trump and i'm like cool well when they're dead you can you can rethink that those four years you know and we out actors like he's a republican like what are you doing well some of them revel in it right right? Like James Woods. That guy is hilarious. He's on Twitter all day long fighting with liberals.

Yeah, but he also was not of the best moral ground. Here's something interesting. On my book, there is a Weinstein logo. My book is the last one to be published. Get the fuck out of here. It's on the back. Sorry, it's on the spine. And what I've been likening it to, and I feel like the... Sorry, it's on the spine. Oh my goodness.

And what I've been likening it to, and I feel like the people... Now it's a shit. They got absorbed. Weinstein Books was only two women. It wasn't a huge company. I'd never met him or anything. I liken it to when your grandpa comes back from World War II

and he brings back a plate with a Nazi insignia on it. Because they made their own shit. Nazis had a whole home goods line. And he brings that one thing back. That's what that book is like. Like, cause they had, they made their own shit. Like Nazis had like a whole home goods line. Um, and he brings that one thing back. That's what that book is like. Like one of the last ones with the W.

Now they don't have them anymore. Well, look, before this had happened, anybody would have done a Miramax movie. I mean, he was the guy. I mean,

the fucking movies that they put together, they put together some of the greatest movies of all time. I think it's crazy. I think we're getting to a place now where we're realizing, oh, yeah, for everything, there's an upside down. There's an upside down world. There's, you know, a whole. Stranger things. Yeah.

There's an underbelly to everything. Every business you can think of, there is a seedy, horrible side of it with horrible people. And most of us choose to live in the light and think things are good. Every industry has that and we're just at a place now where like we're kind of shaking it out and people are coming forward but this has always existed and it's rampant in every business don't you think there's also there's like there's systems right And systems of power where someone gets to a position where they have this massive amount of power, almost like royalty. Yeah. And what a guy like Harvey Weinstein was essentially like a royal in some ways, right? Hollywood royalty.

Massive power, right? Massive money. All these people terrified of terrified of this big booming figure almost like a king that would cut your head off right and when you have that kind of power it's such an unrealistic position to be in that i think it's human nature to exploit those unrealistic positions that's why this maureen O'Hara article is fascinating to me because this has always been the case. These unrealistic positions where someone has to get chosen.

There's one person who has a billion dollars and makes 100 movies a year, and people have to be chosen to be the chosen ones to be in those movies. So you have a whole ecosystem. And then you have people that are depending on that ecosystem for their own survival. And nobody, even if they know something, wants to say anything. It's like, well, I didn't know.

Well, you can't be the first one and then get fired and then you're fucked, right? Absolutely. That's what they're thinking. Sure. You don't want to be the first one. That's the other thing. You don't want to be first. Because Rose McGowan was talking about this stuff forever and they're like, whatever, she's crazy. Nobody wants, especially for women, nobody wants to listen to that woman. And historically, you know, like Monica Lewinsky, her life got wrecked. Yeah. And she was a young woman with the most powerful man in the world.

And we love Bill Clinton, and she gets called a whore. You know, so there's a paradigm shift where people are now speaking. And in terms of, like, if you're talking about exalting one position and someone getting chosen that's shifting too people like fuck it i got a cell phone i don't need your movie i have eight billion followers on instagram you know i'll just show my butt i'll just show my butt i'll just make a video about me eating pizza i'm relatable now and so everything is shifting everything's shaking out i don't think this is ever gonna go away because if you're the kind of guy that does that, that's just something you're going to do. I think you're wrong. I think it's going away.

I don't see how. I just don't think you can get away with it anymore. Well, it's for sure going to get watered down. There's always going to be some amount of influence powerful people have that are in a position where they're choosing people. But you're implying that if you are that kind of crazy where you're assaulting women, that you're choosing good over evil. You just do. If you're a predator, you prey on things. Right.

But he couldn't do that when he was 20 and he didn't have any money. And he wasn't the head of a big studio. Nobody might have done it a different way. You think so? He might have done it. So you think this is just who he is? I think sometimes it's who you are. So this whole, I went to rehab. I'm apologizing. I'm going to listen. is just who he is? I think sometimes it's who you are. So this whole, I went to rehab.

I'm apologizing. I'm going to listen. I'm so sorry. It's like, it's who you are. And you can maybe stop, but I do believe that that's, we like to think, oh, I'll just go reflect for a little bit. I love that they have a rehab that they all go to. Give me a fucking break.

For a week. Give me a break. We can fix you. Is it Canyon Ranch? I don't know what it's called. It's not. I think my parents went there. Kevin Spacey's there right now. They go for a break. We can fix you. Is it Canyon Ranch? I don't know what it's called. It's not. Kevin Spacey's there right now. They go for a week.

But I will say, you know, absolute power corrupts absolutely. So Dave Becky gave the whole, wrote a follow-up letter to Louis C.K.'s, which I thought was, it sounded very genuine. And there is something to, you know, we have these levels that you exist on, you know, and you can't be aware. I feel like I'm going to put my foot in my mouth, but you can't be aware of everything that's going on all the time. Some people think he was aware of it, but when you're dealing with these high level deals and you're at a certain dollar amount and you're flying high above everyone else, you genuinely might not know what's going on, but you almost have a responsibility when you are that powerful and someone tells you something about your client to maybe take it seriously.

If I go on a Twitter rant, my manager calls, she's like, you're acting like a maniac. Right. Okay. But let's follow that up then. What does one do? I don't know. So if someone is a Dave Becky and you think that this woman might be telling the truth. And I don't know what Louie said to Dave Becky, but we know that louis told mark maron a lie because mark

maron talked about it on his podcast and he said that he asked him hey man are you jerking off right girls he said no i'm not it's just a rumor it's bullshit he goes why don't you just talk about this rumor and he goes you can't do that because then it'll give it credence which i guess i i kind of understand if it wasn't true. I don't think I have an answer. Yeah, I don't have one either. I definitely don't. I don't want to seem like I'm going one side or the other.

It's disgusting and it's horrible. But there's also, when you hear inklings of rumors, you hear like little things. Everybody always says like when their kid ends up killing a bunch of people, they're like, I didn't know. And as the public, we're like, how could you not know? He exhibited X, Y, and Z. You know, he did all this.

He had a gun in his room. He decapitated rabbits. How could you not know? Maybe sometimes when you're too close to something and you don't want it to be true. Well, what about that Vegas shooter? Oh my God. Like that guy had nothing. He had no criminal background.

No one had any idea. He gave his girlfriend $100,000. She thought he was breaking up with her. She thought he was giving her money. Right. He was just giving her money to get by while he was going to murder 50 fucking people or 58 people and kill himself. Can't apply rationale to an irrational thing. Right.

I don't know. Well, any sort of situation like that. School shooters. Did you see the most armed man in America piece that went out? No. Can you pull this up? There's a guy who's the most armed man. This guy lives in Colorado. His last name is Bernstein, so as a Jew I was like, why are we profiling the one

Jew that's a gun nut? Great. He lives... Most armed man. He has like three million dollars worth of artillery. You gotta watch this. He has several shooting ranges. Holy shit, Bernie. But wait. Is that his name? Bernie? It's Bernie, like Epstein or something. It's terrible.

He's got tanks. He's got tanks. He's got flamethrowers. I want to party with this dude. Yeah, until you go in his house. Nope. 3% of Americans own, according to a recent study, over 50% of guns.

You probably fall into that group. Why do you think so few people have such a large concentration of weapons? You get addicted to them. You know, it gets in your blood. We're driving up my property now, and there's all kinds of warning signs, as you can see. If anybody comes on your property and threatens you with bodily harm, it's legal to shoot them. Colorado law. Sounds like my dad.

This is one of the first signs they see when they drive up... This guy was a registered Democrat, it says. He's got old cars laid out with dolls. Mannequins and fake blood. And bullet holes all over the cars. Remember, you want to party with him. Yeah. You'll see.

I do want to party with him. If you're going to listen... Just not a lot. Just like one night. Should I tell you what happens at the end, or do you want to watch it? Okay you're going to listen just not a lot just like one night should I tell you what happens at the end or do you want to watch it okay what happens he dies

no he talks about they're like so your wife died oh Jesus he killed his wife no look at this

he's got mannequins he's got dolls he has mannequins dressed up in women's clothing he changes their underwear when it gets cold outside oh Mel and this guy is the most heavily armed man in America legally women's clothing. He changes their underwear when it gets cold outside. Oh, Mel. And this guy is the most heavily armed man in

America, legally. You know, we talk about machine guns and hot rods and, you know, stuff I like. I don't really care what you like, because she never says nothing anyway. I'm real nice to him. When it gets cold, you know, in the winter, I even put underwear on. He's got a New York accent. Yeah, he's a Jewish guy from, like, the Bronx or something.

And he lives on a ranch in Colorado that's filled with bullets and guns and mannequins. And he's got his own firewood. His wife died in an explosion. Oh. But the way he describes it, he's like, we were shooting a show, I think it was for A&E, and the last day, they were walking through smoke, and one of the smoke canisters turned into a rocket. It just went through her.

Oh, Jesus. He describes it as if I was describing what I had for lunch. He's like, it went through her and they canceled the show, threw it all away. Not a tear, nothing about the wife.

Jesus Christ. Just more like, yeah, and the show's over. It's a crazy clip. Whoa. That guy's probably waiting for someone to trespass. Like, please, please, please.

He's like putting out like chocolate and money like on a string and he's old too so he's got like not much left you know how much time does he have left what about his girlfriends he's got a girlfriend the mannequins you mean mannequins yeah do you would you want to meet him and interview him oh how about a show on netflix called eliza interview? It's just all comics. Just you. It's all comics. Just me at the store.

Just grabbing whoever walks by. Just you with this guy. You with like preppers. It would just be cut back to me just staring at him with my mouth open. What is all the soldiers in plastic? There's another video on another channel I found. He just loves mannequins. Oh, this guy's so creepy.

Maybe he doesn't like people and this is like how he sort of... There's a lot of house tours. Holy shit. Look at the size of his fucking house. He's got rocket launchers. This guy's... Where's he getting the money

for all this stuff? I think he sells guns too. Oh. To who? I don't know. I'm gonna buy one of his guns. You can't contribute to this. It's too late.

Yeah, he was like, in the last couple weeks We've sold more guns than we have the whole year Well here's the thing If this guy dies Where's all this fucking weaponry going ISIS is gonna swoop in In Colorado

Yeah Colorado is the wrong place to pull out a gun Fucking everybody's armed Everybody's armed and now everyone's high And paranoid He's got samurai swords Jesus Christ Everybody's armed. Yeah. Everybody's armed and now everyone's high. And paranoid. So you got two things. Yeah. He's got samurai swords. Jesus Christ.

What are those, blow darts and shit? This fucking guy. Interesting character. Yeah, there's a lot of people out there like that in Texas. Texas is crazy. I grew up shooting, not all the time, but we would go. My best friend's parents would do these sort of not reenactment shootings, but they would dress up in period costumes, like late 19th century.

And we would go out to the country and they would have these like little fake towns set up. And it was like timed event shootings. And they all had names like Boy Name Sue and they had like their cowboy names. And you'd shoot and you'd win like an antique coin or something. But they would go and mr hewitt had all the rifles and the guns and what would you shoot at uh you'd have it was like targets like they i remember one was like just the sort of outline of like a fake saloon town kind of thing and it's like timed you try to get your targets and we would just drink dr pepper

and watch but because i didn't and i shot a couple times, it doesn't do much for me. It's not my thing. Yeah. But he had a lot of them. I don't even like hunting with them. Do you just, I feel like you are so masculine that you see an elk, you're like, time me, and you just run alongside it, tackle it by the neck, and you just punch it into submission. No, you can't even get close to them.

No. Okay. You have to shoot them. They can't even know you're there. Oh, really, Joe? You can't tackle an elk? Okay, cool. No, you can't even get close to them. No. Okay. You have to shoot them. They can't even know you're there. Oh, really, Joe? You can't tackle an elk? Okay, cool. No, you can't. You might be able to tackle like a calf. Aww.

He's brand new. Baby cow elk. Yeah. Do you want to hear something crazy? Yes. A baby... Something else crazy, you mean. A pony is not a baby horse. It's not? Isn't that crazy? What's a baby horse? A colt. A foal. A foal? What's a colt then?

A horse. Oh, a colt is like a full-grown horse. So a pony is like a type of horse? It's its own kind of horse. Isn't that crazy? See, I always thought a pony, that's right. I should know that. I love telling people that fact. I should know that. A pony is not a baby horse. It registers.

Yeah, you knew it. Yeah Pony is not a baby horse. It registers. Yeah. You knew it. Yeah. What is so... A donkey... What's the difference between a mule and a donkey? They're the same thing. No, one of them is a hybrid. One of them is a hybrid between a horse and a mule.

A donkey is a horse and a... Nope. A mule... I think a mule and a donkey are the same thing. Well, one of them is a hybrid and it's non-viable. I know that. What do you mean non-viable? Meaning hybrids, a lot of hybrids can same thing. Well, one of them is a hybrid and it's non-viable. I know that. What do you mean non-viable? Meaning hybrids, a lot of hybrids can't breed.

Oh, can't mate with itself, right. A mule is produced when you breed a male donkey with a female horse. Okay, that's it. No, it's a mare. It's also an ugly type of shoe. A hinny, meanwhile, is a mule is an ugly kind of shoe? Yeah, for women. It's like a slip-on.

Put that up. It looks like a hoof. What the fuck's a mule shoe? Google mule shoe. By the way, so many of your fans who live in rural areas are like, I can't believe these people don't know. There's fucking idiots. Look at that.

It's just ugly. Not that one. But if you're really hot, you can pull that off. Guys don't give a fuck. But that's a hoof. That does seem like a satanic sort of a thing. Like your part goat. It's not even cloven. The reason why I know this is because we got mule cum

for Fear Factor. It's cheaper to make people drink mule cum because mule cum doesn't really become anything. It's just, it's not good. How did you say that on the show?

Mule emissions? I think we said sperm. Oh my God. I think we said sperm. Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't my idea. That's what got the show canceled, though. I'm one of the few people in show business that has a show canceled because we made people drink cum.

I think the only one. Maybe ever. I feel like there's a lot more than you think. Yeah, there's probably some behind-the-scenes stuff. Yeah, off-camera. There's no way they drank as much. Guarantee that. All right.

One minute. Jerk off this mule. They call it juice on the video on YouTube. Oh, donkey juice. Yeah. Mmm, juice. Interesting. Well.

Yeah. That's it. That's what girls have to go through. Yeah. Well, that was what's interesting. They could choose between cum and urine. You had to drink like a vat of urine and a vat of cum. Yeah. And

a lot of the girls chose the cum over the urine. Because at least it's a similar beast. You've been there before. Oh my god. Yeah. I don't want to watch any of that. This is back in the day. Yeah. Amazing. I love her running eyeliner.

That's how the show got cancelled canceled right there, ladies and gentlemen. Couldn't that kill you? Nah, I think we... Drinking urine? You're fine. No, urine is nothing. Really? Urine is just like...

You can only drink your own urine, I think, eight times. I love that she's got a hangy... It's like doing acid. Doing it more than eight times, you become insane. Is that true? I don't know. Oh. No, it's a fact about drinking.

You can only drink if you're like stranded. You can only drink your urine a certain amount of times before it becomes toxic. Did you read about those two women that got stuck at sea for like five months with their dog? No. Yeah. Did they eat the dog? No, they didn't eat the dog. They had like a year's supply of food on the boat.

But apparently it's falling apart. The story's falling apart. The story's falling apart. And now people don't even believe they were really stranded as long as they were. Like apparently people were suspicious right away because they were too well kept. Yeah. So, and then now their story,

what I've been reading, and I shouldn't really comment on it until I see if you could find out how much it's falling apart. Because I was reading something about how it continues to fall apart. The story continues. Like, they might have just pretended to be at sea for five months.

Because you would eat that dog. You might not if you have a year's supply of food. Sure. Okay, right. You could have those, like, Alex Jones supplies. Those fucking buckets that Jim Baker pushes. Have you ever seen that? Yeah, like the end times thing.

Michael and the woman rescued. Stick with their story. You would say the same thing I did. Okay, well, there's an easy way to fact check this. Like, what port did you leave? Like, who was the last person you saw? Right. I guess they're having some issues.

There's some people that think it's bullshit. They claim daily distress calls were unanswered, and at one point, tiger sharks bumped against the boat. I don't know. Might be real. Well, you can fact check those distress calls, see if tiger sharks live in that area. They do. Okay.

Yeah, that's around Hawaii. That's where they were. Airtight alibi. That's one of the real problems with Hawaii is tiger sharks. Tiger sharks are one of the most aggressive of sharks sharks and they get people all the time. I think second only to bull sharks. What does it say? Indicating? It says they had like an emergency beacon that if they would

have activated it would have alerted this coast guard and it would have been found really fast. But they didn't. But they for some reason didn't. Maybe they didn't know about it. NASA said there was no storms recorded on satellite images that would have I guess supposedly also is what they said caused their disappearance.

Eliza likes to stick up for girls, though. Notice that? I have not read the story. I'm just looking at these. You know what I was honestly thinking? What? No, I was just like of course the two lesbians have like a giant dog. Of course that. I'm assuming. One of them's like 46, one of them's 25, so I think

they're probably lesbians Who knows but like that's such a lesbian Like he's a pit mix but we love him Yeah because like the big disparity in age That's like the difference between like a guy with a yacht And his hot girlfriend Who knows maybe she's her instructor You know what I love most about lesbian couples

What? There's almost always like a male and a female Yeah sometimes Yeah sometimes but a lot of the time lesbian couples is that there's almost always like a male and a female yeah sometimes yeah sometimes well a lot of the time my uh my best friend and her wife said obviously they're married and so your best friend's lesbian my best friend's lesbian you are so diversified um but she we've known each other since we were three and so she is did you know she was a lesbian when she was three no she dated like the quarterback in high school like that's probably ruined her i think she kind of just figured it out i mean he was a

psychopath but um so they're married and they want to have a baby and michelle sorry michelle uh oh shit you gave her name up we're both jewish we're white she's half my body weight she's the tiniest and kind of sickly she has like plantar fasciitis she's got her own issues right so she wants to carry the baby and her wife is american but dominican and like strong she's like but i want to carry the baby i'm like no no no our people have like tasax and and uh and uh like just diseases like passed down it's like a jewish thing it's like a genetic permutation that only like jewish babies get. But the point is Jews have to deal with that. I'm like, her people are giving birth left and right and going back to work the same day.

Don't carry the baby. I'm like trying to encourage her. I'm like, let the other one do it. She's like, no, I just want to go through it. Because she's the, I guess if you had to pick one. She's the boy. But Michelle wants to do it. And I'm like, you're going to get snapped in half.

You're going to shit yourself. And you're going the boy. But Michelle wants to do it and I'm like, you're going to get snapped and you're going to shit yourself and you're going to just be a puddle of Jewish skin and bones. Let the other one do it. Are you going to have babies? I was thinking about that so I'm getting married in May and then I was talking to...

Your boyfriend's a very nice guy. Thank you. Your fiance. He loves you. He loves coming to the store. He's a good dude. He's a good guy and I was just like,

I guess, I was like, we'll get married, we'll go on a honeymoon. I was like, I guess we have a baby. I was happy when you got him. Yeah. So I was like, finally,. He's a good dude. He's a good guy. And I was just like, I guess. I was like, we'll get married. We'll go on a honeymoon. I was like, I guess we have a baby. I was happy when you got him. Yeah. So I was like, finally.

One's going to stick. This one's going to stick. I get rid of him. After you told me the Yale story and that one. That was like three years ago. That was quite a while ago. That was a great story, though. Thank you.

But when you brought him around, I was like, well, I don't want to be too friendly with him. You don't want to warm up. It's like war. Yeah. You know, the new guy might get shot. But then after a couple months, it was like, hey, you're still here. What's up, man?

And then we became more and more friendly. You're like, I don't want to be cool to this guy. She might get rid of him. Now every time I see him, I hug him. Yeah. He loves you. He loves seeing, he loves watching all the comedy. He's a fan of comedy anyway, not in a weird way.

But like he listens to your podcast. I think it's cool for him. And he's super supportive. But I was like, I guess we just have a baby. I guess you do that. You're viable. I don't know. How many more years you got?

I don't know. How many eggs you got left? I'll have to check my stat card. Did you get an x-ray? I only have one. Don't x-ray your eggs. You cook them. I have one big egg. One giant one, like an ostrich egg.

I keep it in the back. Have yourself a little gladiator baby, like some strongman baby. I've always wanted that. Do you think you'll have a boy or a girl? Do you have a feeling? Can I say this? Yes. So I had a nose job when I was 18. And which is why it's so tiny. That's why your nose is so tiny? What'd your nose used to look like?

It had a little bit of a bump. There were worse things. They didn't shrink your nostril holes. No, I always had small nostril holes. Yeah, they can't shrink that down. So you just got rid of the bump. Rid of the bump. It's, I talk about in the book, it's not like a huge revelation. I'm Jewish, like we do this, but he's half Italian, half Jewish, and he's got a big nose.

And I remember looking at it the other day and I was like, our kid had better be fucking brilliant or amazing at sports. Because if a girl has a combination of our noses, it's over for her. So, fingers crossed that she gets someone else's nose. Maybe by the time you guys decide

to have babies, CRISPR will be totally dialed in. They'll be able to get a nice little Christy Brinkley nose out of that. Yeah,

maybe we'll have, it'll be an app at that point. Or if it's a dude, a big nose just gives you like character. Big nose for a dude is fine.

Yeah. And I'm praying because he's very tall. If it's a girl, maybe she's just like a brilliant athlete and then it's a dude, a big nose just gives you character. Big nose for a dude is fine. And I'm praying because he's very tall. If it's a girl, maybe she's just a brilliant athlete and then it's like, who cares? But it's probably not going to happen. Probably just be kind of funny and smart. Who the fuck knows? Who knows? That's the interesting thing about having children that I've found is that they come out of the box with their own little mind, their own little personality.

You just kind of nurture that personality along the way but you know my two youngest daughters could not be different yeah they're so similar to each other well they're they're so dissimilar rather to each other yeah that happens my brother and i are i don't mean i we're he's from the planet zeputar and we just uh i don't know it's just my sister and i yeah yeah it just baby it's there it's a weird combination of like we're talking about nurture and nature and do you but see the thing is about a woman having a baby go on is uh that you especially as a comic it would be much more difficult for you to do the road i think i think i don't know anything about it. I don't know, you know, I know that I work out a lot. And so obviously the more mobile and healthy you are, it's easier. You know, there's a couple months where you can't,

but there's also a couple months of the year where I don't do the road anyway. Like I think I could tailor the schedule around it. And we certainly could because you're successful. Yeah. Because you make enough money to hire help and hire people to help you when you travel. Oh my God. Absolutely. Yeah.

I don't know. But your whole life changed. I think about that a lot. You know, it's at night. It's 10 o'clock. I'm like, let's go grab dinner. Right. You know, you can't.

Can't do that. Do that. So I don't know. I guess that's like the next step. But. You just adjust your life. Yeah. It becomes so much.

It becomes very strange. Like hanging out with your own kids it's it's very odd because the love that you feel for them is so intense and so weird yeah it's like this this warm cuddly love but it's it's also like while you're doing it you're you're you're cuddling with your kid you know talking with them and while you're talking with them for me at least i'm like i can't even believe you're real yeah i can't even believe this is a daughter like i have a daughter and you're in charge of her forever yeah and we're talking yeah and she's like well what do you think about that i'm like no what do you think about that and we're having a little conversation i think it'd be weird that they're thinking at all

you're like you were just a puddle of mush yeah so i don't know but i'm open to i think a big problem in our society is that we expect women like you've got to have this career have this body have this family but why do we do that we do that because it's always been that way but who is we right like this group right but how many people do that how many people do expect you to have all these things i think it's a projection and obviously when you get down to it nobody cares what you actually do, but it's what's put out there as what looks like happiness.

And I even talk about this because I never, I'm not trying to pretend like what I'm saying is something I'm thinking about right now. I've thought about it. I wrote about it.

You do have to do this digging to be like, what does my happiness actually look like? And it might not be the cookie cutter image that is kind of put on all of us. Like I have a very weird job, but if I couldn't do this job, I would be the cookie cutter image that is kind of put on all of us. Like I have a very weird job.

But if I couldn't do this job, I would be the saddest person. Like stand-up comedy gives me the most joy. And that is a huge – I'm in a relationship with that and I have to factor everything sort of around it. Yeah. Until I have a kid and then who knows? Or don't have one. It does change. I mean I hate to say it, but Louis knows? Yeah. Or don't have one. It does change.

I mean, I hate to say it, but Louis C.K. gave me great advice once. Oh, my God. When he came to having a kid, which is very odd. But he said, let it change you. And I don't know Louis very well. I should say this, too, because somebody has given me a hard time about not commenting on it. My thought was like, first of all, I want to gather my thoughts. Absolutely.

And second of all, I don't know him that well. I don't even have his phone number. I've never had a phone call conversation with him. We've exchanged emails maybe three times ever. And he and I have run into each other at clubs and said hi. We've never gone out and hung out together. I'm not good friends with him. So when all this was going down, it's not like I had

information. If Joey Diaz did something fucked up and people wanted me to comment, first of all, I would never say anything bad, no matter what Joey Diaz did. Sorry. That's just the way it is. There's just no way around it. If you knew he raped someone. This is horrible. People are going to grab this soundbite.

I'm so sorry that he did that. But when, you know, I mean, I would never throw him under the bus. You know what I'm saying? I think there's bus throwing and then there's bus throwing. There's a comment after sort of condemning it. And then there's. Of course. Like there was a guy who was in that movie Baby Driver.

Kevin Spacey? No. It was like the fourth eighth lead or something and he went on some show and just went off about Kevin and so everyone

and like it was like it looked like a way to get attention like yeah when I was on set he didn't seem that cool and it was so much in retrospect

Oh but isn't that the guy that's from The Walking Dead the Punisher guy? I don't know Isn't that him? I just saw that Yeah I think it's that guy who's pretty successful he's the new Punisher guy? I don't know. Isn't that him? I just saw that. Yeah. I think it's that guy

who's pretty successful. He's the new Punisher in that Netflix show. It just seemed very like bandwagon jumping when the Louis C.K. thing happened. I can speak from

a perspective of a woman who's seen this kind of stuff. I don't know. I brought him up twice at the store. That's my knowledge of him. But you get these emails from like the New York Times

or like, hey, if you have anything you want to say or if you know any other things. I'm like, I don't. And I don't want to attach myself. I the New York Times or like, hey, if you have anything you want to say or if you know any other things. I'm like, I don't. And I don't want to attach myself. I don't want to be like I didn't want to be part of that story just for the sake of it.

Right. Because then you look like a fame whore. Well, that's also the problem. Like you get caught up in something where you become inexorably connected to this awful event and you didn't do anything. Sure. Yeah. So Joey didn't do anything. Sure. Yeah. So Joey didn't do anything. It was just.

It's like, not Joey. Joey, oddly enough, as crazy as Joey is, he's a very gentle person. He's a giant. He's Puerto Rican. He's Cuban. Sorry. Giant Cuban teddy bear. He is, right?

Because he seems so tough and he loves saying cocksucker but he is just he's like he's just so kind and he's got these eyes like a whale like they're just ancient and big like camel eyelashes he's got these like lovely eye and you can he smiles at you like a toddler i love him he's the best i exchange emails with him maybe once every three or four years we've texted each other maybe ten times ever mm-hmm all only phone calls calls me every couple days what's up cocksucker what are you doing brother what's going on it's you want to talk to you yeah Joey wants to talk to you if I ever ever text him it's cuz I have to send an address to him you know he's got to like put it in his navigation system

that's it he calls you he's lovely yeah he's got to like put it in his navigation system that's it he he calls you he's lovely yeah he's he's a beautiful person yeah it's and and you know he and i were talking about this whole louis ck thing he was like you know he goes you know what's fucking crazy he's like i held somebody at gunpoint he goes i went to jail he goes it goes for armed fucking kidnapping and everybody's like ah ah, you were crazy. But he goes like, this is the kind of thing. This is the kind of thing that sticks because he did it to one of us. Right.

Like if you in our world, like we are all the same. We are all the same thing. I mean, there's going to be some weird penniness and bullshit and there's going to be some prejudices and there's going to be some individuals that are not supportive but overall amongst the good eggs yeah the ones that you and i associate with we are all we all consider each other the same thing because we we understand each other's hearts and we know how hard it is and what it's like and we all know that it's us even though the audience is our friends it's us versus them it's the club versus you know you're trying to do a job and we know exactly what this very weird job entails and we know the way the other person thinks like we have fucked up thoughts yes and it's okay to admit these thoughts to each other and that's a very special bond and you can't just

be like i'm a comic i get it like you have to kind of earn it and there's a respect there and so it's what he did is deplorable and it was with other comics and i feel bad because i feel bad because everybody gets so angry at women they're like why now and i'm like because there's safety in numbers and no one would listen before but people knew they knew some people knew they knew to a degree like i knew to a degree i knew the girls names but I didn't know if it was true. It was a rumor. Right. You don't know and you don't want to be the one that's running out there like with a lit torch and you're wrong.

This is going to sound fucked up, but I'm going to take a chance with it anyway. Have you put yourself like I put myself in Harvey Weinstein's brain? I put myself in Harvey Weinstein's brain. Not really. But I sat down and I tried to think, like, what would this guy, like, how would his brain work? Is he just, like, lost in the throes of the addiction of power and sex and this chase of getting all these superstars to suck his dick, which is apparently what a lot of them did. I mean, I've talked to women that know people in the business and it was like negotiating tactic. He would give them

roles if they did and he always followed up. He always honored his work. I always wondered about that. I always wondered how do you ensure someone gives you the part? I don't know. He had a reputation for doing it. You know the contract thing that he had? Do you know the thing?

His contract with Miramax with the weinstein group oh it was like a sexual harassment like a clause yeah like covering up to but they had it like in tears yeah like one would be worth 250 because they knew fucking crazy because they knew i mean that is if that's not complicit then what is but have you have you tried to put yourself into Louis C.K.'s brain? Yes and no, because I definitely have had this thought. I think when you get to a certain level, and I see there's a certain- He wasn't at that level then. This is the thing.

True, and he did a, and it was a long time ago. Yeah. Let me, fine, forget the level. I've found with a lot of male comics, there's certain like a lot of perverts whatever there's a certain set of blinders like i can do whatever i want there's almost like a lack of accountability you show up drunk or high or fucked up and they're like oh he's so creative it's a certain allowance we give to men and then people when they get famous. Like you can do whatever you want. I pride myself.

I'm always on time. I don't show up anywhere drunk. Like I just take it a little bit more seriously because I know I have to work a little bit harder. Whether being a girl helps or not at times, it just depends on the day. I do think that there's a lack of awareness about other people. And I do think at a certain level there is a mindset of like, I've seen this in lower tiered comics she doesn't matter what I say to you when I call you a bitch or a piece of shit or I harass you you don't matter because you're not gonna make it you're not gonna make it you're not talented you don't matter and I do I've seen this I'm not gonna go

into names I've heard things that other women will confide in me that men say to them I remember starting at the store things that were said to me by men who probably don't remember they said it because there's like a cavalier just I'll just say it

fucking whatever I hurt I want her to hurt fuck you you're a bitch your body's disgusting you don't matter your body's disgusting

that's the weird one right like I hurt so I want her to hurt there's a that's the that's the weird one right like i hurt so i want her to hurt there's a comic at the store all the guys are friends with all of them me i don't know maybe uh he's not there a ton anymore it was definitely he was definitely like a fixture there in the early years when i was there i we were at another comics house for a party i was standing there and he walked up to me. I hadn't said a word. He said something rude to a girlfriend of mine

because he was hitting on her and that didn't go well. And he just looked at me and he went, you better keep working out because your body's not going to look like that forever. And I was like, hi. And the only other thing he ever said to me was like 10 years later he yelled at me because I brought my dog to the store.

Whose body does look like that forever? That's such a stupid thing to say. Stupid and it's so, it's meant for me to be like, why did you say that? We should go fuck. That will help. But does that have, does that work? It must work on the most depraved girls.

And he just picked the wrong one. But it, of course. But. But doesn't, does that work on like the girls with the lowest self-esteem does that ever work it must it must

or they might think it works or you engage and then it turns out oh he's a nice guy I don't know maybe it's like one of those hey you should smile like it never works

but so many assholes do it I think it's more of like I don't know how to talk so you start with that and then the girl's like I was smiling and he's like oh okay

and it's just like an opening right for someone who's not as articulate. An awkward opening from. I was, I'm not going to say the state. So we'll just say it was California, but it wasn't. I was headlining a club. This was years and years and years ago because the club is not that great.

And there was a guy who was opening for me. And it's weird. My power dynamic is different because I'm the headliner. I've never told a guy he has to like sleep with me to get a gig or something like that and i went be hilarious if you did oh my just like licking my puss left and right beat my box um okay i did it once okay so he was the opener and he was like oh can i show you around which as the opener behooves you like to be nice to the headliner.

If I like you, I have plenty of friends that I just take with me because they were cool. So we hung out. We got coffee. He showed me around his shitty city. And then on that Saturday night, I had a friend in town. It was a guy. And I left with him. We all went to a bar.

And I left with the guy that I was friends with. And this comic lost his shit. Started sending me texts like, how could you? I spent all this time with you. Do you know who I am? Like just losing it. And I'm like, and I left.

I was out of the city. I was going somewhere else and he's harassing me. And I contacted a friend of ours. It was a mutual friend. And I was like, you better check your boy. Like, what is his problem? He's like, no, he's a good guy. He's my friend.

Like did nothing to defend me. And this guy's just like spewing this vitriolic garbage at me. I think sober, but you could be right. I don't know. And the other day I was at the improv, and this piece of shit was the host. And I was, like, closing the show out. And I hadn't seen him in years. And I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction or anything.

And I go on, and he bom bombed he died a thousand deaths and I was just sitting there watching and I know that he knew that I was there and he knew what he had done so he felt like shit felt like shit and then he was on stage I'm not I can't tell the rest of it I don't matter but he like left his phone on stage and I made him come back up and get it I was like hey he was calling himself like he had like a cool nickname for himself I called him back and up and get it. I was like, hey. He was calling himself, like, he had, like, a cool nickname for himself. I called him back and he had to, like, come get his phone. And then I fucking wrecked it. But it was more like you thought I was nobody.

You thought you could treat me like that. But why did he think that if he was the opening act? Because he probably thought I didn't deserve it or he's a crazy person or because I was in his city. But I had never seen behavior like that exhibited by someone who was opening for me. But it was just like- So that's just male, female shit. That's like, he was courting you.

He thought that you were- He got mad that I left with someone else. He thought that you and him were hanging out and that you liked him and it was eventually going to lead to him banging the chick one last comic standing. This might have even been before. I don't know how it would have been after. Yeah, I don't know how I'd have been after. And I'm sure that girls...

It had to be if you were headlining, right? It was after, for sure. But I'm sure that girls, like, I've heard, you know, male friends of mine are like, yeah, I fuck all my openers. You know, like, guys do that. I've never had the luxury.

Seems like a bad practice. Seems like a super gross practice, but I think a lot of guys do it. It just doesn't seem smart. I always tell guys to not... Well, I should never say don't fuck other comedians because like Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky, they're great. That worked out. That worked out.

Like Moshe Kasher, Natasha Leggero, that worked out. I think it either works out splendidly or is a nightmare. Right. I don't know. Yeah. Well, one thing would be that the person would understand what you do because very few people do. I think. And I would think as a girl, it's got to be hard when you're the funny one.

Like if you're the funny one and you're dating a guy and maybe that, well, you're, you see, that's the thing is your fiance is so chill. Yeah. Like. He's so funny too. Yeah. But he doesn't need attention. But he doesn't need any attention that's the that's the dynamic there yeah is one of us you know and i don't really seek it out outside of stand-up i'm not well you get it out of the way yeah you get it out of your system and i don't want to be greedy

about it and sometimes you don't know you know you don't know you start dating someone then you realize oh they can't handle this oh they, they're jealous. But it takes a minute. And with comics, it's interesting, you rarely see a super successful female comic with a guy that's middling at the chuckle bucket. Never. Never. Can you think of one? I don't know any of them.

I don't know any headliners that fuck their opening acts. That are girls. No, and I mean... Maybe they do. Maybe I just don't know. It's cool if they do girls. No, and I mean... Maybe they do. Maybe Boston. Maybe I just don't know. It's cool if they do. Is it cool?

You like it? I mean, that's cool. I think that's cool. A little turn of events. Yeah, let them know. Yeah, flip the script. Yeah. Yeah.

What was it like, just to get back to the business of comedy, what was it like headlining after three years? Because I did a little bit of that, but I had a manager who was like a really good when I got my manager when I was about three years in and I headlined a bunch of places where I really did not deserve yeah like he got me a bunch of gigs and I but I didn't have any pressure on me the way you did winning last comic standing I was just sort of just starting out so

you go on this tour right after. A Last Comic Standing tour? Yeah. And you're, I think, oh my God, I couldn't have been doing that much time because there was like four of us. Okay. So I just close it out. How much time you think you're doing?

20? I want to say 15, 20. Right. You know, and so you finish that and it's interesting because you win something like that and it's like, okay, figure it out now. Right. Sink or swim. And some people sink, some people swim after winning that show.

Most sank. Most sank. And I, that being said, some of these guys already had careers. Like John Heffron was Alonzo Bowden. Like they're good. Right. And they were fine and they do fine. But they're so solid, those guys.

Both those guys. I just kind of scrape together what you have. Even on the tour, I don't know if I was always the best one of the night, but people are still there to see you or their favorite ones. You're just coming from this sort of scared, but also you have confidence, but also humble place of like, I hope that I can stretch this. It's enough. And so you have about 45 minutes. At least I did when you were done, when you're ready to headline. And I think that's a lot of the energy that I put toward it was like,

I'm just going to talk really, really fast. That way if you don't laugh, it doesn't matter. You don't know you didn't laugh because I got another joke right here. And that has sort of become a style for now. Now it's not about a fear. It's more of I'm so excited to talk. We did, me and some other comics did this Ray Romano charity event a couple weeks ago, and Mark Maron was on it with me

and we went downstairs to watch Ray to kind of hear what the crowd sounded like and so he was doing well and Mark turns to me, this is the funniest thing ever, and he goes, they're fine. I go, yeah, they're good. He goes, you'll be fine. I go, yeah. He goes, just do what you always do. Steamroll over the crowd, don't wait for applause, do your voices and get

off stage. And I almost cried from laughing. Because it was like, no one ever breaks my balls like that and it's true i do that and that's from that competitive situation like that sort of energy yeah well you have that hard hard ass exterior so i don't think a lot of people take a chance on breaking your balls you know which is a shame because i think it's like the best way to show that you love someone. And it's the best way to know that somebody loves you is if they do that, you can tell the intention, you know? Well, that shield also keeps you from getting harassed by creeps too.

They don't think they can get away with it. Maybe. And that's fine. I think so for sure, right? I mean, I'm sure you've been harassed, but I think if you were more vulnerable, you'd probably been harassed more. Maybe. And that's fine. I think so. For sure, right? I mean, I'm sure you've been harassed. But I think if you were more vulnerable, you'd probably have been harassed more. Maybe. I don't know.

I mean, try not to give people a chance. You know, you're at a meet and greet after. You're seeing your fans. Oh, especially after. I was talking about with other comics. But yeah, after for sure. Oh, with other comics. I think with other comics, you win the show three years in. And then you're at a certain level, kind of a level all by myself.

I didn't have a lot of other women I related to because no one else was out there that I – I didn't know any other women. You're kind of lonely out there. And so I would look up to people like you, and I consider myself a colleague of yours now, but at the time, I was just like, what? How do I – you're so much higher than me you know um and I didn't know you I didn't know any of these guys so it's just I don't know I don't think any of the comics would step to me because they were you're not around comics a lot I don't remember when we met I think I knew we knew each other like it took time I was always at the store but I mean I think it was just I think you were around though in the days that I wasn't

at the store like what what year did you win last comic standing 2008 yeah see I wasn't there then yeah you weren't there yeah but obviously everyone knew who you were it's weird I was talking to like Steve Simone about this like there are people you know your whole career but you may not start talking to them until recently and then it's as if you were always friends. Yeah. So now I consider myself like an upperclassman there. I'm also, I really try to just be kind to the other comics, door guys,

younger comics. I'm always give, and you're like this too. Give someone the time of day. If you're going to be respectful and nice, I have no problem giving it back. Yeah. Well, a lot of those door guys,

like guys who started out as door guys, Duncan and Ari are two of my best friends. They were both door guys. like guys who started out as door guys, Duncan and Ari are two of my best friends. They were both door guys. A lot of people started as door guys. Jessica Wellington is the only girl, and I have her come feature for me. She did my show last night. That's the kind of girl that needs a chance because she is like in a boys club within a boys club. How does that work?

What do you mean? She's a door guy. She's a girl, so it's all dudes. Oh, I get it. And she's at a store at the store um and i was like someone needs to be nice to this girl it's a fucking shitty job that's tough yeah but you're around comedy all the time i mean you're you're at the world series of comedy on a daily basis i mean imagine you're a cover booth person you get a chance to sit there and

watch some of the best shows holy shit dave chappelle just showed up holy fuck and you're a cover booth person and you get a chance to sit there and watch some of the best shows. Holy shit, Dave Chappelle just showed up. Holy fuck. And you're sitting there from that cover booth watching Dave Chappelle. He brings most deaf on stage with him or something like that. I mean, that shit happens there all the time. Oh, my God, he's bringing up Chris Rock. Yeah.

Your fucking head's ready to explode. I mean, there's a reality of working there that doesn't exist anywhere else. You go over to the Laugh Factory, you ain't getting that fucking reality. Cool. UCLA stand-up comic showcase night? Yeah. Cool. That place can burn.

I get very protective. I told you. Wait, you know why I say that, right? You know about this, right? Well, there's a bunch of shit. I could tell you things, too. I'm banned from there. Yeah.

I am banned from the Laugh Factory, a club that I've been a regular at forever. I've told you the story. I won't repeat it if I told it to you. Well, you told it to me, but we don't need to throw the Laugh Factory under the bus. I started going there under the idea that I should support the club because I don't want it to go under. Because I don't want it to go under. That's so sad. Well, I found out they record all

your sets yeah uh i will say that i get you know the store is i always say that the comedy store the or in particular is like an abusive boyfriend like you're like this hurts oh my god and then when you don't go for a while you're like i need you i need it's like stockholm syndrome training it's like doing a set with a giant weight vest on. It's like swinging with two bats. Yeah. But sometimes it's great. Like if you can if you can compete or hang rather in that environment, you go anywhere else.

You'd be killing. It's so true. And, you know, you get comics that kind of get the vibe of the store from a couple years ago when it wasn't the friendliest place. And it has that reputation. But I take great solace in knowing that like my home is an intimidating environment and I love whatever space I've carved out there and I don't take it for granted and I try to respect the shows and respect the audience and you know I'm so proud to be a store comic it's not the kindest of lovers all the time it's not always the most, but I'm very proud of that upbringing

because that store made me the comic that I am, that OR, you know? The main room where it's all Swedish tourists and you're like, you guys not want me to talk? And it just makes you, so you can go anywhere and comic shit on it and I'm like,

you just sound jealous because you can't hang. Who shits on the store? All the time. All the time. Oh, there's all comics? I didn't say that. It's just, or regular comics, you did. All the time. I don't like the store. I didn't say that. It's just, or regular comics, you did.

It's just, they don't like it. They have to be weak. It's because they don't like bombing. But anybody makes fun of something that you're afraid of. Yeah. Well, then there's things to make fun of just because they suck. Bombing there feels so good, though. Like, it's like pushing into a bruise. You're like, yes, I need this.

Oh, wow. Interesting. Well, you got a good attitude about it. I still do the improv. I'm doing the improv tonight I need this. Oh, wow. Interesting. Well, you got a good attitude about it. I still do the improv. I'm doing the improv tonight. Yeah. Improv's cool. The store's got, it's like there's something about it, though. Yeah. There's a grittiness to it, and I'm very proud of it. And the improv's never been anything but lovely to me. It was the

first club I got past that. They're great. It's still a great club. And the comedy union. I wish they'd take that fucking stupid piano off the stage. Oh my god! And they seat people behind it! Behind the fucking piano. I apologize to those people every time. I'm like, someone send them a drink because you can only see my feet. What if you have to do something physical and you're

doing it behind the piano? Wait, so for the one time Owen Benjamin drops in, we have a whole piano? Exactly. That's what I told Owen. I said, you need to bring your own fucking piano. You and Craig Robinson. Bring a keyboard, asshole. Yeah, what the fuck? It's just like one of those old school things that nobody ever got rid of. I think, I mean, there's a lot of things that-

Maybe we could talk them into it. Good luck. That would change the world. We could send the email too. Make the club way better. I know people. I got some email addresses I could send you. We'll have to talk about this offline.

We got to talk about a bunch of things offline. I need to remember all the different people that said fucked up things to you that you don't want to say. I have a name on the tip of my tongue. I'm going to say it the second we turn it off. I can't wait. Let's wrap it up now. So your book.

We can wrap it up now. Eliza Slesser, Girl Logic, available right now. Probably the last Harvey Weinstein approved book ever. Yeah. Right? I wrote you something on the book. Did you? Yeah.

I won't read it then. It's very small. I don't want to be, I don't want to tear up. Please buy my book. I don't want to tear up. Please buy my book. Tear up. Go buy her book, you fucks. And go see her on tour. She's very funny.

And where are you at? Where can people get your tour dates? I'm on tour nonstop. So go to Eliza.com. And we just announced my fourth Netflix special is going to be on the USS Hornet off the coast of San Francisco in the Bay. February 23rd. You're going to do a stand-up special on a boat? On an aircraft carrier.

Holy shit. We announced it today. That's badass. Have you ever done that before? Have you ever performed on an aircraft carrier? I did on the SS Stennis in the Persian Gulf on a USO tour. Holy shit. I stole the idea.

That's a great idea to do a special there. Whoa. Are you going to wear a red, white, and blue bikini? I think I might just wear a white bodysuit or a camo bodysuit. Camo? No, I'm talking. Right? I like that. I like that. I like that. All right. Thank you, Liza.

Thanks, Joe. We'll see you tomorrow, you fucks. Bye! Too tight. Is it off?