The Joe Rogan Experience - #1048 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: December 5, 2017

Doug Stanhope is a stand-up comedian, writer, and TV host, also currently hosting his own podcast, The Doug Stanhope Podcast available on Spotify. His new book This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir" is available today on Amazon.

I got too high. 9, 4, 3, 2, 1. Mr. Hennigan, you were talking in the background. Yeah, Brian Hennigan, he's worried about the link. He's waiting for... Oh, JoeRogan.live. Yeah, I should tweet it, right? I didn't even tweet it.

Tweet it. I'll tweet it while I'm talking to you. Douglas Danhope, the mayor of Bisbee. Wow, you're becoming the mayor of L.A. That should be your thing, man. 300 square miles of studio space. Twitter. I knew when I pulled up.

Well, Uber dropped us at the wrong place, but then we walked a few buildings down, and I saw a pickup truck loading Epsom salt into a side door. I go, yeah, that's flotation tank shit right there. We get the right door. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Going live with Douglas. I only did a flotation tank once for a shoot at your house for the man show. And you had the one in the house and we were doing it for a shoot.

So you can't really sit back and enjoy it. But for that 30 seconds, they shut the door until they go, action. You're like, wow, this is fucking weird. It's fucking weird. It's weird and it never stops being weird. Like even though I've done it, I don't know how many times. Every time I do it, it's fucking weird. It's a very strange feeling and you could shut it off anytime you want.

That's the best part about it. Like I love the fact that I could just get out of it. strange feeling and you could shut it off anytime you want that's the best part about it like i love the fact i could just get out of it like if i if you want to do shrooms or something like that that's a commitment i mean you're in you're in six eight hours you're not you don't know where you're going or who's gonna call or stop by yeah you can't that you you're not shaking that you're just not it's gonna get you i tweeted. Did you get it? Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah, but the tank, you just get out. It's awesome.

Just open the door. It's over. I'm sure there's some kind of upkeep that's necessary that I wouldn't do, and I'd forget, and I'd go on the road, and I'd come back, and there's bushes growing in there. You know what you should do? You should start a tank center in Bisbee. If you ever wanted to. Nobody has money in Bisbee. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

You get like one or two tanks, and you just rent them out all day long. Yeah, again, people have – disability is the biggest form of income there. I bet insurance will pay for it. Maybe I made that up. You should probably check. I think that they'll... Well, I think it's a form of therapy for sure. Still, the point is I'm not good at upkeep.

I know. You don't have to hire somebody. We have kind of an above-ground pool that is just nothing but algae for eight months out of the year. Dude, I moved into a house once in Encino and nobody had lived in it for, I guess, like over a year. And they didn't do anything with the pool. And the pool had become this green pond.

And there was schools of mosquito larvae swimming around in the pool. I was like, what in the fuck is that? Like, you could see them. It was the weirdest thing, man. That's a problem. We're getting rid of the fucking thing. Dude, it was a real problem. Like, I was looking.

I was like, you've got, like, a big stew of life out here. There were so many mosquitoes. It was crazy. There were, like, little schools of fish. I was like, this is madness. All these little things are blood-sucking little vampires. They're going to fly around and find things to bite. And where I live, there's no other body of water for 100 miles other than my above ground pool. Isn't it crazy?

Those little cunts. You can't kill them off. They just find a way to just breed. Like back east, they're way worse. Yeah. They're way worse than they are here. There's something about the weather out here, I guess, that keeps them in check. The worst by far is Alaska that

I've experienced. Have you ever experienced? Holy shit, man. You get out of the car and they just swarm you. Huge. Huge. And super aggressive. And they only live to be like three months old. So when they're going for it, they're just fucking going for it. It's like some wolf shit. It's like survival

of the fittest. It's the weirdest thing ever. They're a different thing. We have. Oh, mosquitoes. Yeah, they're annoying. They get you. You slap them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, this is a swarm. This is hundreds of them in your face, in your eyes, all over your mouth, everywhere, instantly. Yeah, we have no CM. So the pool was cool when we got that house. It's above ground, but it's on a slope. So there's a deck on one side. So it seems like an above ground pool because you're above the pool, but it's still an above ground pool and it's only four feet deep or something. Right.

But once monsoons hit. Look at that. Oh, my God. That's mosquitoes in Alaska. We're looking at what looks like a swarm of birds. That's the worst part about Naked and Afraid If you ever watch that show Is the bugs

I could go a month without eating I'd do that anyway I'm a drunk I get my calories from the mixer Do you have to stay naked? Can you make clothes? I don't know how much they cheat Oh no, they have made clothes

I don't know how much they The producer says Okay, you can make the beaver cloth, but you can't make a full, like, hoodie. They do it with every one of those shows. They'll call those shows reality shows, but there's a certain amount of, like, plotted out ideas. And you can see them take place. Like, you can see, like, the act. You see acting in people. I have a whole chunk in the book that I'm here to promote

see, but about how I I Glued to reality just to find where they're lying. All right, that's obviously fame. I like the name Yeah, I don't know who came up with it. That's beautiful Fuck yeah, dude. You're an author like a legit author how did that happen I don't know but you know like you've written two like legitimate books that's pretty fucking interesting man that's a you're a different kind of person to do that like that's I've always felt like an extra I mean one of the things that I love is you actually wrote this too yeah

you wrote wrote this yeah there's no wrote wrote this. Yeah, there's no guy. There's nothing wrong with those guys, because that's probably the only way you're going to get a Joey Diaz book, right? Right. If a guy's not going to write it, get a guy. Get a guy. Well, Joey Diaz could sit and tell you all his stories. He could tell them, right? And if you have a guy, I could never trust anyone to write so hard so hard i've

talked to so many authors uh or writers or journalists even that they'll hand in a piece and then the editor tweaks it and changes it and and the an editor got fired from the daily news for doing that pretty recently because the guy had attributions in his story, the different studies and shit, where he got the information that was in it, whatever the version. And then he got accused of plagiarism when he has the original document that he sent to the publisher.

Oh, so the editor was the plagiarist. The editor just said, we don't need to tell people about that. They made a weird judgment call and they removed the references. Well, you know, when you do interviews, how often they fuck up what you said. I remember

I was the winner of the Montreal Comedy Festival. There's no winner in 1997. No one wins. Yeah, they don't understand what that means. But yeah, if you read, which I don't on purpose now, you read an interview you did. I didn't say that.

Now you're making me look like a dick. And other comics are going to see this interview. And I didn't say it like that. You're like the only guy that ever won a comedy competition that people don't hate. You know? Because you won San Francisco. But that was after it was done. What do you mean?

It wasn't a big deal anymore. It wasn't a you versus Dane Cook? Yeah, but we were both completely unknown at that point. Right, right. But still, you weren't unknown in the comedy world. But the point is nobody got mad at you for it. The competition itself in the late 70s, 80s was a huge deal. That's when Robin Williams and Ellen DeGeneres.

By the time I did it, it was me and an unknown Dane Cook. Right. I think competitions are fucking weird when it comes to comedy. You're changing what it is. I like the festival idea. Festival's nice. We don't have to make it fucking Star Search

or whatever. America's Got Talent. It's just shows. That's what the country wants. You gotta compete. Battle Royale. But here's the thing. It did introduce a lot of people.

Like when they started doing the stand-up show. What the fuck it is? Last Comic Standing. Yeah, Last Comic Standing was the introduction that a lot of people got to a lot of good comics. You know? I mean, that's how people found out about them. Yeah. But as long as you know going in that this is rigged.

Yeah. Sort of a little bit. When you're doing... I just did Seattle. I played up there while the Seattle competition was going on, and a girl I know was in it, and I had to, no, first of all, play to yourself. The judges are going to be people like fucking Morning Show, Hack, AM Sports Talk, DJ, whoever they can get.

It's not real. Just do your best. If it makes you work, that's why I liked him back in the day, because it made me work. It made brevity important. I have seven minutes. Cut out the dead weight in this joke. Hit your fucking beats.

But I knew that it's bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, man. I'm sure I won because I was way cooler than Dane Cook, and I hung out and drank with the fucking producers. Wait a minute. Why would you say that? I mean, wouldn't you just win because you did a great job?

Really? A funny comic? Human beings aren't. Is it possible? But it's San Francisco. Aren't they a little bit more open-minded and intelligent than the rest of the country? Well, the people that hired the judges, the producer, I forget her name, that I hung out with the whole three weeks. And we'd drink and have fun.

That probably helped, but they appreciated you before that. I was the judge a year or two later. Sweetie, I don't like you being self-deprecating. When James Inman won, I was a judge. You're one of my favorite comedians. It bothers me when you say that. When James Inman won, I was a judge. Any other questions of my favorite comedians. It bothers me when you say that. When James Inman won, I was a judge. Any other questions?

He's still a good comic. James Inman's a funny guy. Yeah, yeah. I say he's funny. But hey, look, my point is, last comic standing, let a lot of people know. Yeah. Alonzo Bowden, you know, Heffron. Ralphie May was the first year he lost to Dat Phan,

which I said on Twitter is what killed him. He couldn't get over the shame even 20 years later. Is Dat Phan still around? I've looked him up. Every here and again you remember Dat Phan and you search to see. Occasionally he'd be playing at a casino. He was a guy that I felt like there was some really unbalanced hatred towards.

It was very odd. When he won last comic standing, people were really mad. There was a certain percentage of comics that were really mad. And let me tell you something. I was there when he had his set and he fucking killed. He fucking killed. Whether or not you like that kind of material or not there was like he got a bunch of hatred which wasn't just he wasn't you know a young guy like wow what

what is it great because eliza won last comic standing when she was like three years in right i think she said did she didn't she say that three or four years in i hope i don't say the wrong years but i mean that's kind of the same thing along the same lines, right? Like, you're getting in, but if you do it, you do it. If you win, you win. You get eight minutes to kill, you can break it up.

And for whatever reason, man, people were so pissed at him because he was kind of fresh to comedy, right? Like, he hadn't been doing it that long. Well, he was ridiculous. He was one of those scientists that you hate. He sat down and he'd graph

the laughs per minute he's getting based on his recordings of his sets. He really did that? Yeah, on Last Comic Standing. He'd have these graphs of laughs. That's interesting. Why do we hate that? I don't know. We were talking about this on a podcast yesterday.

All the people that you were trained to hate we're talking about like Carrot Top in the 90s so you hated Carrot Top as a comedian you kind of had to hate him and then he beat Bill Hicks for some comedy award back when they had comedy awards what's also the prop thing for whatever reason a prop comic is a lesser man right but he's. He's the last guy that's going to interfere with us. No one's flipping a coin between Carrot Top and Joe Rogan. Well, yeah, but I think there's enough to go around, even if they were. I know.

Who gives a shit? It's just weird. But I'm saying, all that hatred. And we were talking about Dennis Leary, who I listened to on Stern, and I really loved the interview, and I liked Dennis Leary, and I realized it was just all that he stole Bill Hicks persona thing that I just hated him for that. And you get old and you go, I don't really give a shit. Yeah. And when do you let it go?

Right? Yeah. When do you let it go? Now. When we're old and go, what the fuck are we doing? let it go when we're old and go yeah what the fuck are we doing silly yeah we were joking around before the show about uh i had to send off an email and you're like he's probably talking to someone on twitter no fuck your mother like imagine being that guy that's just still doing that all the time like god damn man that'll rot you i talked to owen benjamin he's like dude

sometimes i don't sleep i'm like listen to me man you gotta stop doing that because owen will fucking go to war on Twitter all day. And Jamie Kilstein. Jamie Kilstein was on. And he was pretty open about how he would be when he was all social justice warrior-ed out. He would get crazy with his phone and these arguments where he couldn't think of anything but. He was constantly pulling his phone out and checking. And what did they say?

What did they say? Well, fuck them, you fucking cisgender piece of shit or whatever the fuck it would be. You get mad with it. You get obsessed. I just say don't do it, folks. Avoid arguments in real life and on Twitter. Especially when you're arguing down. You might be. You might be like going

to war with someone who's on your own level. Yeah, argue up. There's a couple of recent things where friends of mine are arguing like you know that you look like a fucking open mic or when you when you have these arguments in business with people who are far your underlings yeah well just i mean i just really feel like we should try for meaningful discussion with friendly people and just figure out what the fuck we disagree on. But that's where I get trapped is I'm the guy that when the Jehovah's Witness comes to my door, if I'm in the mood, I'm going to prove them wrong. And the less sense they make, the harder that fucking wood is to knock on.

Dude, that used to be my thing. I'd always want to argue with people, especially if someone had some ridiculous religious belief. I would always argue with them about it. And now I'm like, I don't care. Don't have time. I think it helps a lot of people. I really do. And even if they're nice. I think it helps a lot of people. I really do. And even if they're not right, here's the thing.

If you live like it's true, it is right while you're alive. If you live like it's true. We look at it almost from two dimensions when there's multiple dimensions to the idea of religion. Because even though there was never a time where a guy came back from the dead. There's probably never a time where a guy walked on water. But if you buy the idea of this person and this person's goal for humanity and move towards,

the direction's like moving towards love and compassion and treating each other as equals. I mean, that's like the whole Jesus thing. So even if it never really happened. Yeah, if it's a weird superstition that was the catalyst to make you a decent person. Yeah. I think like all human things, it gets poisoned

along the way. But the idea behind it, even if you don't think it's true, if you treat it like it's true, it is true. Like you really will make a better world. It sounds like super hippie, no, that's twisty wordy shit. Obvious. If you have some mental illness that makes you

believe that you're driving a cadillac you're driving a fucking cadillac but you know how we have laws and we have like certain ways that we behave and we have just like agreements with how we dress and the the words we use the phrases if there was a religion that was all super positive that we just all agreed to adopt just the same way we adopt all the other things that we do in our lives. All the other normal shit we do with like the way we decide to dress or cars we drive, just adopt that

in there too. Like this is just how we behave. We behave as if we are souls in a vessel created by the Great One who knows everything and has a plan for us all and we should be kind to each other and move in the direction of love and harmony. I mean, that's basically what all religions at their best say. Well, then there'd be some cocksucker that says, oh, yeah, that great entity just spoke

to me directly in my bedroom and we're going to have a different sect of this perfect religion. There's a fucking funny show on Netflix about that. The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. She's a woman who's in a sex cult who's in a backyard trapped in a basement for months with some I don't know how many years I think it was supposed to be. It's a really funny

show though. Have you seen it? Is it a show? Yeah, it's a show. It's a sitcom on Netflix. It's called The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I think Tina Fey is one of the creative people behind it. It's a fucking funny show, man. Like, really funny. I am so overdue to get caught up on Netflix binges.

Oh, man. Yeah. It seems like it's been two years of just something I got to do. I need new ones. I need to catch up on old ones. Plug Nathan For You. Have you watched Nathan For You on you on comedy central no what is it is one of the funniest fucking shows ever completely underrated you have to understand

what it is going in it's basically like a bar rescue but a fake uh it's basically a hidden camera show but open hidden camera it's's like a Bar Rescue Kitchen Nightmare. It's Nathan. What's the God damn it? Google it. Nathan something Jewish. Nathan Fielder. Nathan Fielder.

And he's a yes, he does. It's for small business. He he helps small businesses. This guy. He's so uncomfortable to watch. I can't do it justice. You have to watch Nathan for You. So these people with small businesses think it's a real show, and they come on, and he helps them with their problems.

And it's so amazingly layered in watch the one with the uh the guy that has the tv shop that can't compete with best buy and there's so many layers i put it on my phone all right trust you implicitly please watch it and then tweet about it because it's fucking brilliant and i'll just embarrass it by trying to explain it. If there's anything, any problem that I have with Netflix is that sometimes I don't know what I'm looking for. You know,

like there's a lot of shows that turned out like, whoa, this is four seasons of this and you never heard of it. Like maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm that. And it's totally possible because there's always some fucking new musical artist. And I go,

who the fuck is that? And I'll go to their Instagram page. They have 14 million followers. And I'm like, oh, it's me. I'm that old man. I'm that old man who doesn't know jack shit. We had the Uber coming here was this old, probably Armenian guy, probably 60s. Racist.

Triggered. Stop the show. He's listening to what I assume he thinks people want to listen to. And it's all this shit. I couldn't name you a fucking Jay-Z from a, that kind of shit. I don't know any of it. And I'm about to say, hey, you don't have to play this for us. But then I saw him lip syncing to the lyrics and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

I'm like, wow, how out of the loop am I if fucking 60-year-old foreign Uber drivers know all the words to these fucking songs? But you've never been a music guy. No.

You don't like music. No, it's not something to... How's that possible? I mean, I have songs I like. Kimmy, what's a great song? Like, Doug Stanhope hears you, he goes, oh, yeah, sits back. Most of the new songs that I've learned,

I've either heard playing in a store or on a commercial. And I go, ah, that's catchy. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, don't you know that I love you? Yeah. Cha-cha-cha by Jimmy Luxury. Is that real?

Yeah, it's from like 1997. It was on the soundtrack of the movie Go. And then they disappeared. You can't even find where the band is now, but it was on a Corona commercial. And I love it. And I use it as intro music all the time. It pumps me up. There you go.

Sing a song. Whoa, give me some volume. See, I'm just seeing the video on mute. I'm into this song. This is great. He's going to have to have headphones. This is great. Don't you know that I love you?

And I was thinking of you. I like how these gals are dressed like they're 1950s cover girls. What is about that look, right? That cover, you know, pin-up girl. That's what it's called. 1950s pin-up girl type of look. What is it about that? I don't know.

Maybe it makes fat chicks look good. How dare you. Doug Stanhope, do you not realize? It was a different day and age. You can't say that anymore. Those days are done. What's wrong with a fat girl looking good? What's wrong with you? You weightist.

I just found out what ableist means. Do you know what ableist is? Do you know what ableist is? I saw someone write ableist. I'm like, do I really want to go into this one? It's got to be handy capable. Exactly. If you're a person that doesn't have a mental

deficit. You can keep changing the words yeah if you are mocking someone who is like literally stupider low watt gurgler in a high back chair exactly you're you're an ableist if you call people idiots you're an ableist yep what about that's how what about that was my last special I did a whole bit about it. It's called the euphemism treadmill, where you can't say retarded because, but retarded was the clinical term because before that they were called imbeciles and morons. Well, they were called mongoloid idiots. Yeah. And that's what it was for kids with Down syndrome, which is crazy.

And they kept changing it. And then we kept making fun of them with the new name. So they had to change the new name to something else. And then we'd make fun of them with the new name. So they had to change the new name to something else. And then we'd make fun of them with the new name. The punchline to the entire long bit was, you know, if you went straight clinical definition, American Medical Association, and you said, oh, and you made that stick. That's what I'm going to make fun of you for when you slip on a banana peel. Oh, you just exhibited some of the lantoaxial instability usually associated with the trisomy 21 genetic disorder, you fucking stooge. That's not funny. My son was born with the trisomy 21 chromosomal imbalance.

Yeah. There's certain things you can make fun of though right yes white people white people are fair game you can be racist as fuck sure especially if you're a white guy you hate white people like making fun of lawyers they laugh along with you because they own everything yeah lawyers are a good one to make fun of but you can't make fun of jews well yeah jew is just one of those words where it's all in the inflection as to whether or not you fucking Jew. Whoa. Right.

It's all about the Jews. You know, the Jews are people that, well, that's fine. But if you say Jew. Yeah. Like you say, if you say I'm all about Jews, that's okay. Yeah. I'm all about Jews. I just like hanging out with Jews. That's it. Only Jews. People would go, hey, you're in the right town. Like, you'd be okay. Yeah. I'm all about Jews. I just like hanging out with Jews.

That's it. Only Jews. Hey, you're in the right town. You'd be okay. That's all right. People accept that. But if you're like, God, I'm tired of all these Jews.

Unacceptable. Unacceptable. Well, I overdosed on Jews. I was just around nothing but Jews for months. And then I just saw a few too many. I wanted Armenian in my life for a few days. I want to talk to some guy. I never do sets.

If I come to town and I'm hanging in the comedy store, it's to talk to you and drink in the back bar and hang out. Hey, do you want to do a set? No fucking way. Wow. Do I ever want to do a set for normal people? I paid my fucking dues. I made my bones to have a small niche fan base that are unoffendable.

Doug, I got news for you, okay? I hate to do this to you again, but they're here. Like, your fans are here. Your fans are in L.A. They would love it if you did a set there. Like, it's not like they wouldn't go. They're there. Like, you have a lot of fans, you fuckhead.

I don't want to work a— Stop it with this small niche group. That's horse shit. People know you're funny. I'm tired of this. I'm talking about when it's just a mixed bill of fucking scattershot. There's 400 people. I bet 320 of them are your fans. First of all, you know this.

Well, you still do some shit. I saw you. Last time I saw you, you were doing one of those weird shows where people just called out premises Yeah, stand up on the spot and you fucking destroyed it and you told me afterwards None of that was planned you had none of that in your holster all of that was off the top of your head Which is fantastic. I was high as a kite. I barely knew what I was saying. It's but for me to do material I can't do 15 minutes. I don't do 15 minutes.

I don't have one bit that's 15 minutes. Just give me a mental hug. Just come into the embrace of the comedy store. Just stop this. Why would I do it outside of my own comfort zone? Come to us. You are in your comfort zone. Your comfort zone is everywhere.

It's an illusion. If I went up on stage, if I came to town, which I rarely do, on is everywhere. If I went up on stage, if I came to town, which I rarely do, I get to see you and a million people I never see

all in one room. And everybody loves to see you too. But if I went on stage, then I would have this whole anxiety. Well, that sucked. And then I'd be apologizing

for my set. Oh, great set, says Greg Proops or someone. And then you're like, it wasn't good. I forgot this tag and that tag. And I, rather than just hanging out and enjoying myself, for my set oh great set says greg proops or someone and then you're like it wasn't good i forgot this tag and that tag and i rather than just hanging out and enjoying myself so fuck it

fuck it you know here's the thing though and this is i'm gonna say this with all sincerity there's more understanding and camaraderie at the store right now than any place i've ever been at any time and even when we have bad sets, like someone will have a bad set, and like, how was it? Dude, I did not connect with those people. Like someone will say, you know, we'll be talking about what went wrong.

I'd rather do it in Fayetteville, Arkansas than the comedy store in front of my peers. I'd rather eat shit somewhere no one will see it. You talk about it, and you learn something from it. And it's like, it's a weird environment but it fosters new shit it fosters new ideas and taglines and which i was going to say about twitter battles i got so much good material out of fighting these whatever it was at the time myspace twitter facebook before that news, and getting into these

angry, ugly arguments. I'm writing. I'm writing paragraphs in defense of, and guess what? Oh, I have 15 minutes because some stooge annoyed me on a alt.comedy.standup news group, and I spent all night fighting, accidentally wrote a new act. That's actually probably a good use of it. If you could, see you and I are very different in that regard. I would rather just not talk to those people.

But if you did want to go to war, which I used to do, you can get some material out of that for sure because you're forcing yourself to think. Anytime you're forcing yourself to, like I found that the best shit that I ever write, I write completely freeform. Where I write. Like, I found that, like, the best shit that I ever write, I write completely freeform. Where, I don't know, I just, like, I'll just start thinking about any subject and just start writing.

I'm not specifically trying to write jokes. And on the way, I can, like, kind of suck those jokes out of there. Do you do that? It depends on the premise. But the best premises I have, I write like a defense attorney. That's a great way to look at it. And then you can plug in the jokes afterwards. Once the justice has left the courtroom, all rise, then you put in the fist fuck jokes.

Yeah, there's a got, it's super important to have a balance, right? And you got to find out where that balance is, like when you can get away with a premise. You know, you got to stack it just right. Like, just stack it the wrong way, one way, and you look like you're patronizing and you're full of shit. Stack it the wrong way. The other way, you look like you're a sexist or a Republican in secret. Oh, man, do I have notes. The new

current climate. Yeah, I'm sure, right? Imagine working for a television show. I wanted to bring this up. I'm glad we just got to talking about this. Sam Seder got fired yesterday. I missed this, so clue me in. I just saw someone on Twitter saying...

Here's the deal. Sam Seder, who's a heavy left-wing fellow, who was apparently in some sort of a dispute with the alt-right. I don't know what was going on. I think it was about Roy Moore. Like, there's one of those things. And they pulled up a tweet of his and took it out of context from 2009. Yeah, that's what I read.

And the tweet was... I'm going to paraphrase it. I don't want to fuck it up. Actually, Jamie, pull it up so we can find the exact tweet. You know that if you paraphrase it, you're going to sound funnier than he would. It wasn't that funny, Rogan. I don't want to edit your act. If I was going to edit your act, this is how I would say it. Did you find it?

He actually tweeted one minute ago about it. Here's essentially what it is, if you can't find it. You've got to find it, and you've got to find the, because I don't want to fuck this up. I can't tell you how many times I've told Hennigan about, no, this comic, you've got to see, this is a great comic, they do this bit, and I do the bit for him, and he's like, oh, that's funny.

And then he sees them, and he, oh, you do it so much better. That other guy's got too many words he's using too many words that was irish and lilted into retarded distracting you with the middle premise oh that's not funny um but anyway msnbc got a swarm of emails like they these people like attacked attacked, these alt-right fellows attacked and started saying that this guy had tweeted essentially a rape joke and that we would never sponsor you and we're going to

contact your sponsors. This is what he said. You got a thing covering over the It's a picture of it. Don't care if I Don't care R.E. Polanski. But I hope if my daughter is ever raped by an older, truly talented man with a great sense. Oh, but I hope if my daughter is ever raped, it is by an older, truly talented man with a great sense of mise en scene. Mise en scene.

I don't know. What it is, here's part of the problem. He deleted this, which he regrets doing, but it's a part of a series of tweets. All of them that criticize people's support of Roman Polanski, because Roman Polanski had raped kids, but he did really good films. And he was like, do you know how fucking disgusting that is? He was essentially saying, this is a horrific way to look at this. Like this guy raped a baby, right?

He raped like a 13 year old. Yeah. Right. So this was a part of a series of tweets all expressing this. And that was clearly satire. And MSNBC capitulated and they fired him. And I, you know, I don't know him. I know people who do know him, some that like him.

And it's, I just, I don't have a dog in this fight, but that's crazy. That's crazy. If you look at what the joke was and the fact that he deleted it, and then on top of that. Is he apologizing for it? No, he's not. Good. He's good. He's not. What he did was he made a video explaining what the joke was, why he said it, and the fact that it was a part of a series of tweets that he said.

But it doesn't matter. Once that fucking outrage machine. I was just asked if I regret my tweet from 2009. I regret laziness led me to delete it. I would never regret criticizing rape apologists. And I agree with that. Fantastic. I don't know Sam Seder.

I don't either, but I know that he could probably start a podcast and make a decent living and not have to work for someone who's going to fire him. Well, I think he has his own show, Minority Report, right? Isn't that his own show? Is that his own internet show? Plug it. Yeah. And here's the other thing. He had a dispute more than once, I believe, with my good friend Sam Harris.

And he accused Sam Harris of being Islamophobic. Name sounds familiar. Sam Harris is a neuroscientist. Some people don't like that term. He's an author, has a podcast. He's essentially an intellectual. Very, very, very smart guy. One of the smartest guys I ever had on my podcast.

So what was their beef? Sam Harris believes that all ideologies are inherently dangerous, and Islam is very problematic. And many people on the left think that when you criticize Islam, that you are some sort of a racist.'re akin to a racist whereas if you criticize Christianity you're someone who's just not a rube right it gets that weird thing because of brown skin and people's desire to not be perceived as racist so they go way overboard with it and which is what's happening with the me too

thing where you go I see all the benefits of people coming out, and it's putting the fear in fucking everybody. Who did I fuck 20 years ago? Exactly. No, but I just wanted to just, for Sam's sake, like, he's not a racist by any stretch of the imagination. He doesn't like ideologies. He doesn't like something that makes you think that God wants you to kill people. I mean, whether or not you interpret that the way the Christians do. I mean, there's not a lot of people killing people over some shit from the fucking Old Testament.

You know, there's no one out there enacting the rage of God for people wearing two different types of cloth. Right? Because Christians are generally better off. Financially. Yeah, once you get a lot of fucking toys and you dismiss a lot of that, I should kill myself in the name of blank. That's a fucking good point. You know, and I've always wondered if you look at like the Middle East, you're not looking at like rush, lush, tropical forests and beautiful beaches like Brazil, you know, where everybody's happy and they want to play fucking volleyball on the beach and do jujitsu. Everybody's having a party.

No, it's not. saudi princes yeah they still wear the garb but then once they get behind the gold-plated palace doors yeah there's dicks is swinging and fucking champagne flowing but outside it's all just sand right like think about people yeah that have nothing better that's why jesus works in the mid-east i mean Midwest Where you're in Fucking Indiana And you have Fields to plow And it's gonna be Shitty gray

Angry weather And yeah Maybe Jesus is the only thing Getting you through Another year Another harvest And you put a marble On the highway

And it just sits there You thump it It doesn't keep rolling There's no hills bitch There's no hills It's the fucking worst. Indiana is the worst state in the fucking country. But even in Indiana, if they found gold and it became like Qatar or some shit,

they just, you know, they found oil. They found like some crazy new patch of oil. And all of a sudden they started building the world's tallest building there and all the same kind of shit they do in Dubai. I mean, Dubai apparently is insane now now they have indoor surfing things in dubai in the middle of that you get a surfboard and you're indoor surfing you could ski indoors they have indoor skiing in dubai and you're gonna have that here in the compound do you have a name for this uh new uh i can't call it the establishment it's kind of worn yeah Yeah. Plus, I think Anthony Cumia,

Anthony Cumia, who I have to give his props to, he's probably the reason why I started a podcast. It was, first of all, because he was a part of Opie and Anthony, which was the first time I ever thought, like, I really like doing radio,

the way Opie and Anthony did it. It was great. We would come in. You love doing it, too, right? Yeah, but I remember first doing it, going, wow, am I the shitty episode? Because no one really talked a lot. We would come in. You love doing it too, right? Yeah, but I remember first doing it going, wow, am I the shitty episode? Because no one really talked a lot. We just had fun.

I know. It took me a minute to, oh, they just decided to do what they wanted to do with radio. I just thought I was boring because there's no bells and whistles and fake laughs. To this day, I don't think Opie and Anthony got the credit that it deserved. Because I think that they let us, they're the best show. They were the best show ever. They don't exist anymore, unfortunately. But they were the best show ever to go on as a comic.

Do they exist? In their own world, they do. Anthony does. He still has his thing. Opie was recently fired. I don't know what is his status. I don't know if he started his own thing. I don't know if he can.

I don't know if Norton's still doing his thing with Sam Norton is I'm still doing his thing with Sam and Norton does a thing with the UFC too He does UFC uncensored with Matt Sarah, which is hilarious and Norton also does the chip Chipperson podcast He does all that on his own now. Yeah, I've never listened to it But I've I've been tweeted about it enough to know that it's a character. Oh, it's hilarious. It's so uncomfortable It's so good. It's one of my favorite things that he does. It's fucking amazing. Want to see a video of it? Not right now.

No, okay. We're in a live broadcast. I know, but I'll pull it up sometimes. I hated making people listen to 30 seconds of cha-cha-cha. It was good. I liked it. Let people know. A lot of people don't know. There's a lot of shit people don't know.

You know? There's only one way to find out. Someone has to tell you. I find out from commercials. That'll help. That'll work. You know? I know Corona still sucks as a beer, but I like the song that you use. Thank you.

How dare you. Are they a sponsor? I like a Corona with lime. If I'm in some tropical climate and I want a beer, but I don't really want a beer. Yeah, that's a... I want a soda, I don't really want a beer. I want a soda but I want to stay drunk. You know what a Moscow mule is? Yeah, what is that? It's some drink but

there was a surplus of copper at the time so the guy in order to get rid of copper said, oh, you have to drink it out of a copper cup and it was just a big ruse and now copper, it's going to be in a copper cup and I don't know how they did that with Corona and a lime. no you put a lime in this beer yeah that's true right why does it have a lime and every now and then someone sticks a lime in a dose eckies and you're like what

like what is this what is this wow you've become judgmental yeah in your old drinking years yeah i get weird you know i get weird when it comes to drinks. But Corona's not a bad beer. It's just not a strong beer. It's fine. When I'm in a place that's dark, I like to drink real shit. I like to drink like an IPA or a Guinness or a Jack Daniels. That's what I like to drink in a dark, I like a dark wood environment with some shitty neon lights.

This, your studio is a great dark. This is a bar that I would go to. I would go to dark hardwood bar. It's a little bright. I'd be like, it's kind of annoying in this place. If like, if you know, cameras weren't on. Well, if for day drinking, this is no, if you came out of that bright sunlight. Oh yeah. Yeah. This would be came into sunlight. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This would be common. You came into this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Brick. Especially if it's hot outside, which, by the way, it might get hot here any minute now. There is a fucking fire in Ventura, and the winds are insane right now. And the fire through Ventura is just tearing things apart. You've got the alert on my phone in the Uber drive over.

What, what, what, what? Dude. Be careful. Warning, warning. It's bad, wah. Be careful. Warning, warning. It's bad, man. I mean, it is bad. And it scares the shit out of me. You have kids somewhere.

Yes, there's that for sure. But what scares the shit out of me is that in the short term, I think most people are going to get out of there if they prepare and move accordingly. But you've got to realize what this is. This is something that when you get a fire this size, it's burned. Back that up a little bit so you can get the numbers. Just in today, it's burned 45,000 acres, destroyed at least 150 structures, and forced 27,000 people to evacuate.

And they can't stop it. They don't have enough manpower. people to evacuate and they can't stop it they don't have enough manpower when when something is this big and it's this strong and the winds are this fucking crazy you look at how those trees are blowing over sideways and these fucking houses are up in flames i mean it's how do they even have enough water i don't have no idea where i live city hall just burned down the city hall building and just them putting the fire out, everyone's water went out. There was not enough water. You couldn't turn on your taps because they used it all to put out City Hall.

I wonder if there's like a chart where you could see, where you could go back to 9-11 and then post 9-11, how many women got impregnated by firefighters? Like how many? Because remember when firefighters, like after 9-11, remember they were real heroes. Yeah, I know. People have kind of like taken them for granted until they do something

to actually save your house. I used to do that bit about after 9-11, firefighters and cops were getting so much hero pussy. They were launching it like a rotted octopus out of,

out of, what do you call those? Slingshot. Slingshots. Wrhots wrist rocket they'd have to swat them down with tennis rackets i had this whole bit about hero pussy so true right yeah not well then the war came and then all the that was i think the bit was all the troops are getting the hero pussy that 9-11 first responders used to get and now they're just hanging around bars going, remember me? Yeah, man.

Do you know Google has this crazy thing on its phone that I was paying attention to recently where you say something. Like, hello, my name is Doug Stanhope. And then it translates it out loud to someone else, like through your phone. They talk to your phone, and they'll say, you know, me hablo Pedro, I encopané en mi... And they go through the thing. It translates it, and then it changes it in your ear to what English is, the English version of that. Babelfish. What's it called? Babelfish.

No, but that's what it was. Something like it, yeah. That's what it was on the Hitchhiker's Gate to the Galaxy. Oh, okay. So Applefish. Yeah. As a parody of Babelfish. I saw this.

It's a new feature on this phone called the Google Pixel. And I said, I don't think people, and you have to have these Pixel earbuds that do it. Or you can actually do it through the phone, I think, without the earbuds. But I don't think people understand how crazy this is. Like, they're just starting this thing out. Like, it used to be you couldn't really talk to your phone. Now you could do a Google search by just pressing that speaker button. Say, who is Brian Hennigan?

And then it will, in like seconds it'll pull up your Wikipedia who is Doug Stanhope? In seconds. Like what is going to, if they can do this thing right, we're going to have a thing in our ear, like a little earbud, and you're going to be able to talk to people all over the fucking planet. It's going to get

super strange. People that speak Arabic languages, people in South America, It's going to get super strange. People that speak Arabic languages, people in South America, you're going to get a... I still... So many of these technological advances, I think about you and your bits back in the day. Why do they have all these things on the cell phone

that replace what a cell phone is? Yeah, well, the idea was like, why are you making me read? Yeah, text me. It takes me four buttons to make an S. Call me. Just call me. Back then, I would have never thought that text messaging would become popular. There's a bit that you could never do today.

I could only do that bit in 2005. Yeah. When people were starting to send you text messages like, what the fuck is this? You would get it on your phone and you'd go, why don't you just call me, stupid?

Why are you making me reply with my thumb like real slow and awkward? It shows how much you don't really want to talk to your friends. I don't want to have to say, hey, how you been?

What's going on? How's the kids? How's your sister? Yeah. I just need one simple response. I respect Joey Diaz for that. Joey Diaz will not do that with you and i think he's right i'm thinking about it more and more lately i have these weird text message conversations with people i'm like why am i even doing this i need to look at you you need to know i like you like we're friends if we're gonna socialize don't

fucking text me hey how's it going? That's a bar conversation. See me in a bar. I don't want to sit and catch up via text. Hey, how about that one? Been a long time. Hey. How about just hey? Yeah, hey. Fuck is this? What are you, 12? Your kid getting my phone?

Your kid's got my phone number, motherfucker? What's going on? Hey. See me in a bar and then sit down and say hey Are you 12 what? Hey, hi, you can say that to your friend like hey, hey Yeah, yeah, but I we're usually that's the extent of what I have to say anyway Hey, hey high five. Yeah, we're not high five on text, but you probably have an emoji You can't hey on text and you know, you definitely can't do? You can't yo.

You lazy fuck. You want to talk? You ain't got shit to say. Yo. I need affirmation that we're still friends. Just yo. It's kind of part of the business. We're not going to be close friends over a quarter of a century just because of text messaging.

I don't live in your town. You're going to lose brownie points if you just type yo. You're going to have to have, like, yo, are we still having lunch? Yo, are we going to the game? Yeah, I texted you a week ago. Hey, what time are we doing that podcast? Because he's supposed to set up other shit around it, but then I've said in parentheses that I don't want to do.

So I'm glad you didn't get back to me. I'm so glad I helped you. Yes, you did. With my procrastinating. Rogan's podcasts are like nine hours, and we're not going to be able to fit other ones in. It's unfortunate. But what is fortunate is this is not famous.

We're right now, ladies and gentlemen. Joe Rogan stories are in there. Oh, beautiful. It has an index. I do have a lot ofan stories are in there. Oh, beautiful. It has an index. I do have a lot of fucking name drops in there. We had some good times. You know, the story that we were talking about in question, you have to read about in the book,

but it involves Doug Stanhope and I in the desert. The day of the war. I'm sure we've talked about it on podcasts. I know we have. Too many times probably. And then afterwards going to that Lakers game a few days later. Yeah, that was a weird one, right? Yeah.

In the height of 9-11 patriotic fever. I was like, this is nuts. You guys are going crazy. Like you're standing up for a basketball game? I remember when you picked me up at Curson for that game. You had, I don't know, an SUV of some kind. It was probably a Suburban. Was that the one I was pissing out the door?

I think it was a Yukon Denali. Yeah, I had a white Yukon Denali. And you were pissing out the door while we were high on mushrooms, going 65 miles an hour down the highway. Doug's got the door open. And he's like pissing out the door. He probably pissed all over my truck. But this is as the war is kicking off.

That's 2003, I believe. Yeah, we saw the war. We saw the war kick off. Like it was the Super Bowl. Like it was planned. I spell all this out. But you said it. I remember you said it.

You said, oh my God, there's a kickoff. This is how ahead of the curve Joe Rogan was with technology. Because when you picked me up in that, that's the first time I heard GPS say, in 400 feet, take a right onto the 101. And also, you had cell phone video because you videotaped me pissing out your door. That's 2003. That was 2003. You know the best picture I ever took on my cell phone?

This is like affirmed the need to have a camera on you at all times. I was in downtown L.A. and there was this overweight black hooker with a crazy wig on and sunglasses. And she was eating a meatball sub. And I looked over and she goes, hey, baby. And she pulls her tit out and she's got her tit in one hand. And I took a picture of this. See if you can find that. I know it's out there.

I know it's out there. I couldn't. It looks so amazing. I couldn't believe it. And I took it with one of those Motorola flip phones back in 2000. Because we were filming Fear Factor downtown LA. And this lady was walking around with her tit out. I was like, this is hilarious.

She was smiling at me, like laughing. And I took a picture of her with her tit out. And to me, to this day, to this day, now I know why I love technology. Back then, they wouldn't even know that you're taking a picture. Nobody knew anything. Nobody knew anything. To think that just a few years later, the iPhone would come out. 2007, the iPhone comes out.

Now, you can't imagine anybody not having one of your things. If you're around someone and they don't have a smartphone, you look at it like there's some kind of freak. Becker is the only one. Matt Becker, my oldest, best friend from forever, still doesn't have a cell phone. Yeah, my friend Steve doesn't have a phone. His wife fucking hates it. There it is. That's the picture.

That's a real picture. Please take a screenshot of that and save it for me because I keep losing it. Why do you say that's a wig? That makes me so happy. But come on, son. Look at that picture. She's enormous. She's got a meatball sub in her hand.

It's the perfect picture. Jamie, I want you to order up a large HD version of this. Have some scientist convert that. We're going to make a poster out of that. That needs to be on the wall. 100%. At least a meme. I can't put it on YouTube.

If nothing else, a meme. No, don't put it on YouTube. Just so they know. People watch it. But you've got to remind me of this. Get the crew on it. We need that photo on our wall. That's one of my happiest moments.

I swear to God, I went back to work. I was fucking howling and laughing. Because that lady was funny. She looked at me, she went, you want some of this? And she pulls her tit out, and then she smiles and starts laughing at me. All the while, she's eating a meatball sub. That's a great picture. It's a beautiful person.

She's palming that sub like it's a 45 in an Old West shootout. And God help her tit. The way she's got a death grip on that tit. She's got some sort of a cobra choke on it. That's how I have to choke my dick to keep it up when I'm drunk. You get the, almost like you're holding a pool cue.

Like you're making a bridge. You're pinching down on your dick. You fucker, you stay hard. You fight the booze. Fight the booze, Mr. Penis. Yeah, that's a great picture, though. That's an important moment for me. Because I'm like, okay, now I know why I'm into this stuff.

It was so I could capture that picture. I was happy for days. Because I remember looking at it going, that's real. I always see those. You see those crazy pictures online. You're like, who took that? What happened? But I took that. I was there. That was real.

I didn't pay that lady. It just happened to be. I said hi to her. I had my phone out. And she looked at me and pulled her tit out. And I hit the camera button and I got it. It wasn't supposed to happen. That is your sailor kissing the girl in Times Square.

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Hennigan. You're right. Planting the flag at Iwo Jima. Thank you. Thank you. I'll accept that. I feel like it's my magnum opus.

I'm not joking. It might have been the best thing I've ever done. Rogan needs a cocktail. I got ice right here. I don't like that that lady is doing that for a living. I don't. She's not doing it for a living anymore. Probably dead.

But I wish her prosperity and happiness, and I hope she found Jesus the next moment after I took that picture. But you can't fix everybody. Sometimes you just got to let people be crazy. I remember several people that have... Women of a certain age or look where they go, yeah, what else am I gonna do?

I'm gonna suck dicks for a living. I'm gonna go out on the street. And you go, you couldn't. But then you watch like Cops or something where you see a lady like that that's getting caught in a pickup truck sucking some old dude's dick and you go i guess you could you could she could you could so

you could she's empowering to women is what i'm saying it entirely depends with the male on how horny you are because if you're crazy horny i've done some bad things we'll do some terrible things we're monsters bad things bad bad'll do some terrible things. We're monsters. Bad, bad things. Bad, bad animals. It's a bad design. The design where you have to get rid of cum all the time is a terrible design. It would be way better if it was like tears. I do quote you a lot.

It's an old bit of yours that I quote a lot is your post-cum depression. Is that how it goes? Post-nut depression. Yeah. Post-cum-depression, is that how it goes? Post-nut-depression, yeah. That feeling, which is so, I really believed I liked her. Yes. It wasn't until, and as the semen is rifling out of you, you go, oh, I misled her. I know. Oh, my God.

I misled myself. Which, that's where you get scared with the Me Too thing. I know I didn't rape anyone, but how many times might I have led a woman astray with promises of everlasting love and harmony just because I was drunk and wanted to fuck her and then didn't call? I was inappropriate afterwards. I didn't do the, hey, I don't think we're right for each other. And she's stewing about it somewhere and wants to, you can't me too me. Yeah, it definitely can happen like that, right? It's like you got to leave room for all possibilities.

Because I think that to trust everyone that comes forward with a story like you you shouldn't but you should be open-minded about all the points of view like i would i'd hate to see someone get in trouble for something they didn't do because they dated a gal and she hated them and so she made up some stuff. And this has happened before. Oh, absolutely. And people, you've got to be— Let me give you an example. Please do. How many—

We should clarify because this is a touchy subject. No, I— I know you're not a sexist by any stretch of the imagination. Completely in support of the alleged witch hunt because it is making people who are serious abusers, and there's one I fucking want to out, but I don't know. You don't have to, but it's real. No, I'm not going to.

But you know that it's real. And then you know that people in positions of power like that, who have people working under them or dependent upon them in that way, they will prey on them and do weird shit to them. And they've been doing it forever because they can get away with it. And that seems to be like, that seems to be how this town in a lot of ways was designed. It's how the whole porn industry was set up hmm but you have to there's a willingness on both sides hopefully well i

think that there's a lot of girls that will fuck you for a part i don't think it's that see that's not the thing it's not like um again there's a million the me too in cap you encapsulates a lot of different stages of sexual abuse variances oh you know what i always like to think of it i have a sister mother rule especially as i've gotten older like i've thought about this for so long and i feel like you have to treat every, like, you have to look at every situation. Like, what would that be like if I found out that happened to my mother? What would that be like if I found out that happened to my sister? I mean, if you go to children, then it gets really crazy and you get super psychotic because you're protective as well.

Although I'm very protective of my sister you that that you got to almost look at it like that and i don't think we get taught that enough you know i think it takes us a long time of living as an adult to sort of figure out like who's the dick here is it me or is it them or is it am i making bad choices am i arguing with people and getting these weird relationships with people that i really don't belong with in the first place maybe i need to figure out who the fuck i am before I do this. Like there's all these different things that happen in a relationship. And a lot of times along the way, people get into some, you know, some weird spaces in their life, you know, man show the secretary that we had, you weren't around for a lot of it because you were doing Fear Factor

14 hours a day, then Man Show for four hours, then you'd do an hour at the comedy store and you'd sleep for 30 minutes. But I know what you're going to say. I'm just... The amount that we abused her on what we would think is a comedy level

me and Andy, not you. You weren't there. But she would do it back to you guys too yeah yeah but if it was on paper but if she had a change of heart right now and said oh i want to be part of the me too thing and here's my story because i want to be noticed you can't do it to me because i'm not famous fortunately do you think this is one of those, like, swing one way and then swing back and normalize things? Or do you think that this... But I think it might be.

But as time goes on, I wonder if... I just... And this is not saying anything, like, in any way... I don't want to be judgmental. But I have a weird idea that men and women, when they're working together in small boxes for long periods of time,

year on year, that becomes their environment. And that becomes the way they think about the outside world. As it does with us. This is really important because in comedy, the man show,

remember we had to do sexual harassment training for a show that's basically about sexual harassment? But in comedy, yeah, we think that we can get away with all this shit. So I find myself extrapolating that on people that are in a workplace. I don't know what it's like to work in an office where the boss says, hey, you can move up to assistant regional director if you watch me jerk off. I know.

That's a different kind of... It's a different thing, and that's a real problem. It's a real fucking problem. And the man show is the only time I've kind of hit... The corporate world. Cross corners of comedy meets corporate, where, yeah, someone might be... The story I have in here that I couldn't have known when we turned this book in,

Final Draft, that this current climate would exist. So there's a bunch of stories where, do you remember Mandic? What was that? Mandic, he was like an assistant producer, director guy. He was one that we all fucking hated. He was just a ruthless douche and then when we went up to this is the story that's in the book at the bunny ranch and Dennis Hoff tells us both hey you can have one of my girls on

the house carrot top is fucked my girls so-and-so is fucked my girls and rogue is like first of all not only am I married but I wouldn't want to be in that litany of names that you dropped that have other celebrities that have fucked your hookers. He's like, no, no,

I wouldn't drop your name. We played Pretty Women. Remember that? Pretty Woman? For those, the ladies that worked there. Remember that? Oh, that was the gag we did.

Yeah. No, I don't remember anything we did on the man show. It was weird. It bummed me out because like, they were crying and some of them were saying that they wished that that had been the case and that someone would come and rescue them. I was like, God damn it. This isn't funny. Yeah, it took a turn.

Now I remember it now that you say it. Dude, for me, man, I was like, oh, God. it now that you say it dude for me man i was like oh god you almost like i uh i've adopted a lot of dogs in my life you know and uh i've taken on a lot of uh friend projects especially when i was young that enough things have happened to lead me to believe that i have a lot of like uh rescue and parenting type feelings about nurturing people that feel like they're in danger by themselves. And I'm very vulnerable. So when I see something like that, I'm like, oh Christ, you know, I just, you realize, you don't, you don't really realize cause you know, you don't see their lives on a daily

basis, but you realize in that moment, you're like, oh, this isn't funny at all. And you know, there's no way to like, you think things are funny on paper. Like you think, ah, this is going to be funny. We'll show a bunch of prostitutes a video about a lady who was a prostitute. Prostitution going well. Met the perfect guy. Met the perfect guy, and they fell in love. And it worked out.

And so he rescued her. Man dick. I don't remember that. He was an assistant. He was in charge enough that he absolute power corrupts absolutely well he wasn't absolutely powerful but he was absolutely fucking annoying and we didn't like him but we i still have this offer on the table they're wrapping up the shoot the last night they're're picking up all the equipment. I'm talking to Air Force Amy, who's this veteran, hilarious hooker that's been up there. Yeah, she fucking carried me through that whole thing.

We'd just sit and drink at the bar and laugh at everything inappropriate and talk shit. And I go, hey, we get this freebie from Dennis Hoff. I know he's going to have to pay you. So how about I just jerk off in front of you while you dildo yourself. You get paid. We come back to the bar. Yeah, great. She's dildoing herself.

I jerk off. I come out of the room, which is right around the corner from the bar. I'm covered in a t-shirt with my own jizz. All I need to do is wait to find wardrobe. I get a new t-shirt. I own jizz all i need to do is wait to find wardrobe i get a new t-shirt i walk out this guy that we hate is wrapping up he's walking up the stairs as i'm walking down the few stairs to the bar and i go man dick great shoot good hair fucking hug it in and i hug him in

front of all these people at the bar who know i just jerked off all over myself. And I'm smearing it into a beat. This is probably illegal. Yeah. That's a me too. That's a me too. That guy's from the corporate world. I smeared him with jizz to humiliate him. Oh my God.

How fucking wrong could I? It's terrible. I should be completely outed for that. I hope you made this up. It's in the book. But I hope it's fiction. I'm selling a whole book of hashtag me first, not me too. Ah, interesting.

I want to say that this last piece by Mr. Douglas Damo was fiction. Well, I had to change his name, but it was a nickname. Man Dick. Jamie was telling me that Trump's lawyer said that he tweeted for Trump. Trump said something that was fucked up. Trump's lawyer was like, no, no, no. I tweeted that one for him. Oh! Alright, I've been getting a lot

of tweets that say, hey, my lawyer wrote that. And I'm like, I didn't know what it meant. Come on. How fucking funny is that? I have a whole chapter about pulling my dick out. I used to do that all the time. I'd go on stage naked or pull my dick out all the time. I remember those days. The dark days in lore. I was thinner then. You can pull my dick out all the time. I remember those days. The dark days and lore.

I was thinner then. You can pull your dick out today. I just have a different meaning. I gave him a bunch of pictures. Hennigan here, the Scotsman, I pulled out my dick out in front of Bert Kreischer on a podcast two nights ago. He's used to it. I can't remember why. We were so fucked. I've been begging him not to air

it because I don't know what I said. Bert's seen Ari's dick about 100 times. Well, so for the book, I sent a bunch of pictures with Hennigan to pick and choose. And then they took all these dick pics of me in public. And I'm like, you can't have all the picture sections, just my dick. So I had to decide. So this one, I decided on this not having any idea it could be so perfectly timed. The top one is me with my dick out in a

kilt in front of a blind guy at karaoke while he's singing having no idea but the one below it is me starting to pull my dick out in front of louis oh my jerk off in front of the abusers wow dude you're fighting crime i didn't have to block the door. He didn't block the door, folks, by the way. That's not real, apparently. That's like something that gets passed on like an urban myth that juices up the story. I'm saving this for tomorrow. I'm doing Dork Forest with Jackie Cation and Laurie Kilmartin. So I'm saving the bulk of my Laurie Kilmartin, my Louis C. CK for that just because they're ladies

I want their solid opinion but I I have to make this so spacious time wise because I don't want to out the person but I was doing comedy and I was a comedian I knew back in the day

when we were young in another millennium. Just blaming on Ralphie. She said, you're never going to guess what I just did. I just watched Louis C.K. jerk off in the ladies room. And I went, what? She goes, yeah. I said, hey, would you? And she's like, I don't care.

And as we've caught up many, many years later, she goes, yeah, I just did it because it was funny. I really, I did it because it was a story to tell. Right. And I said, are you coming forward? Because afterwards, when she said, when she told me that, I go, you never watched me jerk off. You don't watch me jerk off. I pulled my dick out and put on porn. Did she watch you?

No, she just said, yeah, I don't care, whatever. It's no fun if you don't watch. The way I remember it is that she remembers me saying, if you said, yeah, I don't care, whatever. I'm like, it's no fun if you don't watch. The way I remember it is that she remembers me saying, if you don't like it, don't look. Either way, it was just a goof. I think you have to stand up, too. I think what we should do to normalize this whole Louis C.J. thing. Hang on. The important part of this is when I said, are you going to come out?

She can't because she just did it because it was funny. Right, of course. are you going to come out? She can't because she just did it because it was funny. Right. Of course. And she would almost be put in a place where she would be as it's people like you that made him into a monster. Right. It was just kind of a goof back then. No one cared.

It's only weird. And it was very polite. So when I heard the Louis C.K. stories later on, I just assumed it was like that. He was very polite. Hey, would you watch me jerk off? Well, I had heard from someone else that had talked to someone and gotten like the story from Louis and their version of it through the grapevine. So don't take this as like verbatim was something along the lines of no, it was just he thought it was silly to like pull his dick out and take pictures with them and that i had heard that he was saying that it wasn't he

didn't actually masturbate in front of them that was like one version of it so i was like okay well maybe that was what and then the full story came out and i was like oh okay and then someone had said yeah but he asked them first i I was like, oh, boy. Okay, what are we doing with this? This is another important beat is my story happened before he was in any position of power other than comics looked up to him. He was still writing for comics that might have had some power at best. I don't think it was a power thing necessarily. I don't think so at all.

But if you're a man and you're alone in a room with a woman, and this is my perception of it, it's always a power thing because it's fucking weird because you can kill them. It's different. Like, have you ever been around a UFC athlete, some big giant like Francis Ngannou? This was in a public place

where you go, if this was a Tinder date, this happened in a place where you'd go, I want to meet you in public. So, yeah, it was completely safe. Yeah, but if you're alone in a room with a man, it's like being, and you know that a man has like some sexual urges directed towards you. And you're a woman. It becomes a vulnerable situation. becomes a vulnerable situation and if there's some weird shit where someone if let's just say someone was blocking the door because i had heard that louis didn't block any doors then it becomes

really crazy like what do you do well first of all you're hearing yes yeah well it's also like i think the thing that the people have the hardest time with all of this is you never want to think that it's possible that someone would do something horrible to somebody if you like them. Yeah. Right? Like with all of this, whether it's Kevin Spacey or any of these people, like maybe you like him as an actor. I like that guy. He's great on House of Cards. Wait a minute.

Is he really just terrorizing people and grabbing dicks everywhere? Shit. Yeah, I do that all theizing people and grabbing dicks everywhere? Shit. Yeah, I do that all the time. I do too. I do too. I still grab asses and dicks. Oh, that's not what I do. I think about it that way. At my house. Oh, when you guys joke around? Yeah, we had a party

the other night. I go, who have I not groped inappropriately? Okay, wait. Gil, I haven't done it to you, and I grabbed his dick just to make sure we're all fucking good. You never groped me. I'm, wait. Gil, I haven't done it to you and I grabbed his dick just to make sure we're all fucking good. You never groped me. I'm starting to feel a little left out. I don't think nothing. I don't even think you've ever gone for my butt. I might have ogled it

from afar. I think you might have spanked me once. But the point being, it's like, come on. People have to figure out some way to interface with each other 100% of the time as equal and just work on your own bullshit. But the way you talk to people, like somebody brought this up once that they had an issue with a lot of this stuff is that it's someone in the same business that's in this like position of being like a great artist, like a Kevin Spacey type character or whatever. And then the other person is like a PA or something like that.

And he preys on them. Yeah. And it's his show and they can't get away. And he's like attacking them and they're straight and he's gay. Absolutely understood. I know that. 100%. I think that's some weird, almost like reptilian instinct that humans have.

I can't tell you how many times we've had to because you know my audience mm-hmm Overserved quite a bit of the time and when it's a girl that's alone And you can see the packs of guys. Oh, I'll get you. I'll give you a ride. Where do you live? Exactly. Yeah, all right Let's get her an uber because I know that's gonna go poorly you know what's fucked up about that here's what's really fucked up not only is the woman the like the vulnerable one when it comes to like the possibility of violence right she's also the vulnerable one when it comes to her reputation because like if you and like yeah right if you and and burt

kreischer and five dudes and a girl hops in a car with you and she decides to suck everybody off and then you tell the world and someone leaks her name and they're like, it hurts her. But if you get picked up, if you're hitchhiking and you get picked up by six chicks who decide to blow you and film it and put it on the internet and you're cracking jokes and pitching your book, you're like holding your book while some chick is sucking your dick, you're a king. You're a goddamn king pitching your book. You're like holding your book while some chick is sucking your dick. You're a king.

You're a goddamn king. People will worship you. They'll throw a red carpet down in front of your van as you get out and bow to you as you climb out. It's another huge issue is how we treat women being able to guide their own sexuality. That's a big part of what's going on here. You raise your daughters in a different way than you raise your sons. And that's why it's okay for a teacher to fuck a boy kid. Right.

Exactly. And it is, by the way. I won't even say a word. If I ever have a boy. They should be treated the same. You should raise your kids to know about sex. You know what? If you raised your daughter right.

It's a woman. I should say this. As long as it's a woman. If you raised your daughter with the same openness that you raised your son, she'd know not to fuck a 35-year-old soccer coach when she's 15. Because you were open. You told her, here's the pitfalls of life. This is what it's about.

Guys are going to try to fuck you. You don't. You coddle women. And I believe it's as much a parenting problem as anything else it really is fucking fascinating that you would have no problem if a really hot teacher fucked your 16 year old son for really hot woman teacher like built like pamela anderson back in the baywatch days if somehow ugly teacher no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no yeah you should be a little more discriminating.

But if it was a hot one, you have no problem with it. Some Pamela Anderson-like gal is having sex with your 17-year-old boy, and he's got a six-pack. Yeah! Fuck yeah, Tommy! You're a winner! Yeah! But if you reverse the genders, it's a horrific

offense. Like some handsome man has seduced your beautiful little daughter who's only 17. Fuck that. That guy needs to be in a cage. Weird. That alone is like. This is where I can't extend the argument because I've never been a woman. That's true.

And that's why. I didn't mean to talk to you about that. Saving a lot of this for when I have hosts that can come back. Do you remember when we were going to get married? Yeah, that was the last call I made. I don't know if that's in the book or not. The last call I made when we knew the man show was going to get canceled. I think it is in the book.

That might be in the book. I think it is. The last call I made, they wouldn't tell us it's canceled. They leave you hanging on the vine. But I was at the Atlanta Punchline, and I remember being in the parking lot, and Massachusetts had just passed gay marriage or civil unions. I remember you called me up. I called Zoe Friedman first. Zoe Friedman was—

That's hilarious. You called Zoe before you checked on me. Maybe I called you first but she's the one that counted because she was our go to person at Comedy Central

and I said listen before you cancel us give us one last episode where Joe and I get gay married and it just goes into this montage but it's the opposite

of every marriage cliche where we're fishing together and no one's arguing no one's fighting over the where we're fishing together and no one's arguing. No one's fighting over the remote. We're both happy to be watching the same thing, and it's just a perfect life together. Imagine if people decided to do that. Imagine if they had best friends get married as best friends.

It's nothing sexual. In the contract, zero sexual obligation. It's not sex. It's like we're we're getting married as best friends like for real the bros before hoes marriage just stop and think about how many not you know obviously not the current relationships we're involved in we would never go so far but if you go back to like your 20s just imagine being stuck with some gal when you're both a goddamn wreck right you're both crazy you're both 21 or whatever the fuck you when you're both a goddamn wreck, right? You're both crazy. You're both 21 or whatever the fuck you are.

You're both completely out of your mind. You're basically babies alone in the world. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. Imagine living with that gal for the rest of your life versus your friend from back then. I'm still friends with my buddies from when I was 21. Jimmy Lawless, I talk to that dude all the time. We text each other back and forth all the time.

I've been friends with him since I was 15 or 14. I might have been 14 when I met him. Hey, Doug, I hate your cigarette smoke during the podcast. I like it. Okay, I'll put in an air purifier. And that's the beef. That's our marriage beef. This is our meat. This is something I really did.

I call it the Dice Clay option because every time Dice is here he chain smokes more than you. And Dice just hammers. We got an air cleaner that we would sit right behind him and turn that thing on just to suck out the cigarette smoke. The air purifier is belching sewage by the second hour. It's just brown tar. He's a guy that to this day I still fanboy in front of.

I can't believe I'm friends with Dice Clay. Like, I really can't. Every time I see him, I'm like, what's up, Andrew? But do you feel like you're friends with him? Yeah, I'm friends with him. I've only met him a few times, but I never saw a human side to him. He's always... Well, he's not like Opie and Anthony.

He's in character. You can get there with him. I don't want to. I don't want to see him like that. He's a good guy, man. I don't want to see the emperor with no clothes. No, no, no. His clothes are still on. I don't want to see him like that. He's a good guy, man. I don't want to see the emperor with no clothes. No, no, no. His clothes are still on. I'm telling you. It's alright.

He's just a guy that's like, you know, Dice Clay was gigantic and he got hit with the first wave of comedy haters. People don't remember, when I was 19, it was me and my girlfriend Marta.

And we were parked out in front of my house. And we were listening to a Dice Clay cassette in my car. And we were fucking crying. I mean, tears were coming down my face. I was 19. I think she was 19, too. We were both like, ah, ah, ah. I had never even considered doing stand-up at this point just

i was dying laughing he's the reason i got into stand-up he was a monster he was a monster and he was coming out arenas he was coming off the whole wave of paul reiser oh yes yes there's no backlash yes we already noticed thanks did you ever you ever notice? What? Fuck you. Paul Reiser is amazing on Stranger Things. He's amazing. Don't watch it. You should. It's fucking kids. I hate kids.

Demogorgons. What? Exactly. You don't know? You have no demogorgon knowledge, motherfucker. Talking out your ass. I tried. Jamie, tell them about Stranger Things.

I watched five minutes of the first one, and I'm like, I can't watch kids and fuck. It looked like E.T. and fuck that. It gets better. It gets so good. It's such a good show. How dare you? Sorry.

I don't agree. I tried. I failed. No, I'm going to... Hey, can you see... I hate to use my Scotsman as an errand boy. Is there a Coke in there? I tried to find one, but I don't think so.

There might be some Zevias. There might be a couple cans of Zevia. Go in there, motherfucker. That sounds like it's got fucking something in it. No, it's okay, Brian. He left. I think there's like one can of Zevia.

What is Zevia? It sounds like it has Stevia in it. Fuck that. No way. Can we get some cans of Coca-Cola in the future for Mr. Stanhope? No, I brought whiskey because I assumed you wouldn't have club soda, so I thought if I'm going to have a vodka drink, I'll just drink mimosas. I'm fine.

That's a good move. I'm fine. That's a good move. We can have some God for me. No, no, I don't need it. No, I just assumed everyone has... We're trying to work our way through this whole experience here at this new spot. We're not totally locked in place.

Stevie is the worst. If you want some unhealthy options, I'll have some gluten-heavy pasta here for you as well. I have plenty of mimosa. I was going to change up. I'm not going to. Here's what we'll do. Next time you come here, I will have my non-existent assistant send you an email. A rider?

With like a. A rider? Yeah, like a rider. Like white M&M's. No, no, no. Let's get stevia. Those stevias are good, dude. They're good. I'm telling you. Just give it a chance. No, it's awful. No, no, no. That's not. Fake sugar is fake sugar. Dude, it's not. It's a plant-based sweet. I already poured a mimosa. Son of a bitch. I know. Bingo takes the

stevia all the fucking time. Yeah, but these sodas are good, man. I'm telling you, they're really good. They're not gonna kill you. Every fake sugar leaves such a bad taste in your mouth, and I can't taste anything after 35 years of smoking. It's not fake. It's plant extracts. It's a sweet thing that doesn't jack up your glycemic

index. Alright. It's good for you, bro. I want you to stay alive. Hennigan! Did you send me just so you could talk about me? No, no, no. Hennigan! He's a crafty one. Hennigan's been dealing with subterfuge. It's no fun talking behind your back when we

can do it to your face. Hennigan enjoys... One of the things I enjoy about you is you're a very self-deprecating fellow. Who is? You are. You could take a good joke, a good jab, and you give one back. Yes.

Cheers to that. Thank you. Is that a Scottish thing? It seemed a little bit more fun over there. I would say the Scots are good at being self-deprecating and calling a cunt a cunt. Yeah, and your Billy Connolly, he was like the main guy over there as far as stand-up, and that was his whole thing. He embodied that.

Yeah. Just happy dude. I think there's a big thing in Scottish society, which one of the few good things I'll say about Scottish society is it's kind of egalitarian, and we enjoy knocking people down who think they're better than other people, including yourself. Australians do that shit too.

Yeah. They call it the tall poppy syndrome. And Japan. Yeah. I think it's good, man. Good. I mean, I think that's one of the things we're also dealing with. Ball busting should always be.

Yeah. 100%. And it goes back to your thing about punching up, not down. Occasionally, but here's the thing about this whole punching up, punching down thing. I always bring up Sam Kinison's bit about the Ethiopian kids that were starving to death. It's one of the fucking greatest all-time bits and it's 100% punching down. He's got two, in my opinion,

I mean, if you have a list of the greatest of all-time bits, two of them in my mind are Sam Kinison. And one of them is the Ethiopian kids. He's like, you know, you're sitting at home, you got a dinner, you made it all yourself. You know? You're sitting in front of the TV, feeling good about life. And all of a sudden, this fucking kid, this starving kid, and there's a guy right next to him.

Like, could you please just give a couple dollars a month so this guy can go and say, hey. And you're like, hey, why don't you feed him? You're right next to him. And he goes, how about. I forget. All I remember from that bit is send a moving truck to U-Hauls, move to where

the food is. Yeah, yeah. He goes, we got deserts in America too. We just don't live in them, asshole. Oh, oh.

It was chaos because it was the most punching down bit of all time. Starving children in Ethiopia. I don't think that's punching down.

You're not, you're punching at the people that are selling you this. Sort of. But you're grabbing the little Ethiopian by the head. Come here, motherfucker! Collateral damage. That's sand! You know what's going to happen 100 years from now?

Fucking sand! We've got deserts in America, too! When I say punching down, I was talking about specifically Twitter fights where Christine Levine. Who's that? Mamu. She's a friend of mine.

She opens for me quite often. Is her name Mamu? Is that her nickname? That was her nickname when I met her online. I know so many people based on their screen name back in the day, well before that, where... ICQ? What is it? IQ? She's a... What is that? What is that fucking text? What is it where ICQ what is that IQ

she's a what is that what is that fucking text what is it ICQ I remember that shit I was I was doing the

alt.comedy.standup didn't find the ICQ but there's something freeing about being able to talk to someone you don't know what the fuck

they look like they don't know what the fuck you look like you can just chat with each other online something freeing about that.

Yeah. You know, you like you get to know people just for the information. I just know that you're annoying. It has nothing to do with your sexuality, your race, your religion. I just know you're annoying as a human being. And I'm glad that I judged you for no other reason than you. And some people will trick you. But some people, you meet them online and they turn out to be the exact same thing when you meet them in person, and they're really cool.

I've met some of the funniest people, funny online funny, that when you meet them, biggest social retards. They can't make eye like, can't make eye contact, can't deliver the line. They can write. If they're on the keyboard, they're the funniest person. They just have no social skills. They can't present themselves. Right. This guy's funnier than me.

Oh, wait. In real life, no, he's not. He could never do what we do. But he could write from a keyboard in a dark room. This is a chick that is unbelievably hilarious on Twitter. And I found her recently. What is it? Nacho Sarah?

What is her? Sarah Beatty. Yes. It's Nacho Sarah. Nacho Sarah, right? Her name is Sarah Beatty. I think that's her Twitter handle. Dude, she's fucking hilarious.

Like, I'll go to her like every two, three days. I'll just go and check her Twitter page just to see what ridiculous shit she posts. She's really fucking funny. And I'm like, are you a stand-up? And she's like, well, I tried it once, but, you know. You know who I've become? That's her right there. Nacho Sarah. Oh, see, that's, yeah, this is the

same problem I have with my Twitter crush is Laura Duck. The one-armed girl okay yeah she she made kind of national news or twitter national news because she put on her tinder she's an arms dealer she had just lost her arm laura or lauren duck uh It's Duck Fan is the Twitter account. Duck Fan something. And she, yeah, she get her arm lopped off by a train

and she posts also, it's a smutty shit, but she also posts really funny shit. And I said, I wish when I come to San Diego that you had a set because you're hot, you have one arm,

everything's already in your favor, you're already naturally funny. Yeah, there's some fucking funny people on Twitter. There's some funny people that work at the post office. They just don't get a chance to... The idea that we have figured out a way to monetize the way we look at things is so offensive. It's so offensive. It's so offensive. There's so many people in so many jobs that are just as funny as us, or maybe way more.

My friend Dave Dolan, rest in peace, who was one of my bosses back when I was first starting doing stand-up, he was a private investigator. Funniest person I've ever met in my life, right next to Joey Diaz. He's like right up there. He was hilarious. He was a private investigator. And I worked for him because he got caught in a DUI and needed a driver.

So he put in an add-in for an assistant for a private investigator. And I was looking for a day job while I was doing stand-up at night. I was like, perfect. Assistant for a private investigator. This is like a goddamn comic book. And so I start working for this guy

and he's this crazy irish private investigator wild man i mean he's a fucking wild man he was so funny and he would just tell me stories about nutty shit he did and crazy fucking girls he knew and you know just just i would be in my car crying laughing waiting for this person to like come it would be like 5 o'clock in the morning. Parked, doing surveillance on someone's house. Waiting for them to leave their house. 5 o'clock in the morning. Because someone's doing some sort of insurance scam.

Most of it was insurance. And I would be crying. And I was thinking, I'm trying to be a comic. This guy's 5, 6 years older than me at least. Maybe 9 years older than me. I think I was 21. He was like 30. An eternity. He was like 30. Is it an eternity?

An eternity. He was an animal. I mean, he was so fucking funny. And I was like, I'll never be as funny as him. I just won't never be as funny as him. Like, this is depressing. But I loved working for the guy, and I worked for him for the entire six months, and he needed to have no license after he got arrested for a DUI.

Stayed friends with him until he died. I love that guy. In the book, I talk about Becker and Andy, like two guys that are way funnier than me, and fuck them. They never could put it together on stage. I want to be, as much as they say they're trying to be like you, I'm trying to be like them.

Like, you know, those funny people you know. Yeah, I want to steal that essence because I know how to put it on stage. Right. I'll never be naturally off the cuff as funny as the funniest people I've met, but I can do it on stage and you can't. So fuck you. That's ruthless. I can boil it down. The organization has some sort of writer correspondent.

You know, you should have a policy that sexual harassment is mandatory and everybody works inside the Doug Stanhope information collection organization. Like anybody's trying to help you with creation of your act, idea gathering, what have you. They're all men. It was an unspoken rule up until now. That was kind of the thing. And that's why we were talking about no one's me tooing rock and roll bands. Like they're not pulling Led Zeppelin's library off of iTunes because they fucked a girl with a fish.

But here's my point. When you walk into the backstage area at a rock and roll concert. There's an unwritten rule. Yeah, the roadie tapped you on the shoulder for a reason. And you know what the reason is. I was made to feel uncomfortable. He pulled out his dick out of sweaty leather pants after the show. Underwear or no underwear. And then girls were doing bumps off of it.

No. They were gummers mostly because of the ball sweat. Oh, gummers. I understand there's a difference between that and what happens with fucking Harvey Weinstein. That's a fucking rapist. Yes, 100%. And here's the part of the problem is that what we were talking about earlier, that if you got in a car with seven women and they all fucked you, you're a hero.

that if you got in a car with seven women and they all fucked you, you're a hero. But if a gal gets in the car with seven Jason Momoa's, that guy from the Game of Thrones, that fucking beautiful handsome man, that gigantic handsome man, he's so huge and so beautiful. Like if seven of those were in a car and it was a gal and she's just like,

Ravage me! Ravage! And she's some sort of a damaged thing. We know those girls that celebrate that. No, no, we know the ones that are like, yeah, I fucked that guy. We know a few. Yeah, for sure. That are just like dudes. It should be like that for everybody.

It's a suppression issue. It's the same reason why Catholics feel guilty. It's not a matter of what's wrong or what's right. It's a matter of what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy because other people are going to judge you for it. And then you've got to get to the root of why are these people judging you. For a giant percentage of the men that judge women for their sexual activity, it's 100% out of jealousy. It's 100% out of the idea that this woman would not want to do that with them. And they cast a judgment on her and they decide that her needs are different than a man's needs.

But the bottom line is all these things were established back when it was really difficult to have children. And you had to protect your children, and most of them were going to die. And you were literally concerned about the population of your village. Well, those instincts, they still exist. The problem is that's not a concern anymore. And then this fucking birth control and whatever, 1960 or whatever, that shit came out. When did that come out? When did chicks start being super hoes?

It was early 70s when Roe versus Wade and birth control and all that. Yeah. It should be even, you know, there's got to be some sort of a way to make it even easier than all this. There's got to be a way where you let the natural hormone cycles roll. Well, I think what has happened is porn. I nailed it. Did I nail it? I think I has happened is porn. I nailed it. Did I nail it?

I think I did. 1960. I thought we were going to be in an argument for bringing back villages. Well, it's not a bad idea, man. Here's the thing. I think cities are amazing, but I don't think we're designed for it, and I think we will be ready for it in a couple hundred years. It's going to take some sort of an adaptation to the human psyche

and the way we interact with each other. But I think it's totally doable. If people like us can do it, this is how I've always felt. If the entire world was the four of us in this room, we would be fine. What if we were the only people? What if we were immortal, we didn't have to worry about dying, and it was just the four of us, and just a bunch of food and shit to do? Do you think we would have any problem at all? Yeah, we would miss the fact that we're

any chicks. That would be kind of a bummer. But we would probably have a good time. If we just had unlimited resources roaming around. Which we do. Yeah, well, essentially the world is kind of like that. If this wildfire in Ventura spreads across the world while

this podcast goes on and on and then we walk out and you're like, oh, fucking zombie apocalypse without the zombies. What if the zombies kick in too? A lot of ashes. GMO, Monsanto zombies. You have the grill. You showed us how to use it.

I'm going to have to drink Stevia. I'll get irritated by that. Just do me a favor. Get a little sip. No, no, no. I've done every steamy thing. You're prejudiced. You're racist. Just try it. By the way, I don't know if it's hot in here, but I'm actually sweating from the ears.

And I thought it's because Joe Rogan's bellowing so much, I'm bleeding out of my earphones. Sorry. But it's actually sweat. I'm sweating on your earphones. And whoever sits here next, I hope he's OCD. Are you amped up? Are you a little fired up? I'm trying to be.

Am I too loud? No, no, no. I was giving you shit. I know. I just never know when you're being real. No, no, I am sweating from my earphones and I think that's gross that I'm sweating on your earphones, so I had to say it.

I don't give a fuck, dude. I don't give a fuck about period blood. I don't give a fuck about sweat. None't give a fuck about period blood. I don't give a fuck about sweat I don't know that bothers me. I've never- OCD people do bother me because I am everything I would assume that They find to be a problem. I'm a filthy- I think you should eat meat with dirty hands That's what I think. I think you should eat meat with dirty hands.

If I know someone's OCD, I'm afraid to be around them. Yeah, 100%. It's a problem. I'm uncomfortable. I have a friend who went to look at a house. And they were looking at the house. And it was a nice house. Like, wow, this house is beautiful.

And they got to this one closet. And the closet was filled with Purell. With hand sanitizer. And they went, fuck this. Like, this house is haunted. My friend said, dude, the fucking thing was filled. It was a closet. It was filled from the floor all the way to the top with Purell.

And they were like, nope. Stern and ONA. I don't know if both ONA, but one of them at least. They were all Purell touching everything. If I get a cold and I, all right, I, my, my guttural smoker cough is enough that you're going to not want me here. Yeah. I cough off Mike.

I try to, but I know he's going to hear it and go. Think about how many people you interact with and shake hands with. I think the more people you share your biome with, like Paul Stamets, the mushroom guy, do you know who he is? No. He's a pretty famous mycologist who was on my podcast really recently and had some amazing stories. But one of the things that he said is like, if you come in contact with someone, their

biome interacts with your biome and there's some sort of a residual amount of their DNA that you're taking into your own biome. Like if you meet somebody, you become part of them in some very bizarre way. I was like, what? And so he's like, welcome to my biome. And I was like, this is crazy. Welcome to my nightmare. And he's a scientist, so he's not like just bullshitting.

He's not like some crazy dude who doesn't believe in birds. He's not like some crazy dude who doesn't believe in birds. You told me something on a podcast years ago, and it's one of those things that comes up late at night where I go, I want to call Rogan, but I'm not going to call you at 1130 at night. What was the thing that you said? Listen, call me. Anytime you call me, you want to call me, call me, please. I don't bother you. I love you. Do you see a

quote from you on the back of this book? No. No. I called people that if they said no, we're not friends anyway. If Chris Rock said no, well, I don't know him anyway. He's a nice guy. I know he is. He wrote me a better quote.

But I would love to quote your book, man. Don't ever ask me. I mean, don't ever worry about asking me. I just don't want to put anyone on the spot. You're not putting me on the spot. I love you. You had some... You're one of my favorite people.

If I have a top 20 people that survives and everybody dies, you're in. Like if there was like some sort of an apocalypse and I had to get everybody... Am I going to like the other 19, though? Yeah, we'll work on it. We'll decide. You get like five of your freaks. I got five of mine. Family.

Whoever you know that's still alive. You told me something about over the course of I think 20 years, the amount of cells. You're not even the same person. You're not the same person you were seven years ago. So tell it with your smart way of saying it. Okay. By the way, this is like third hand smart way because I'm clearly a retard. But if you go back to like seven years ago and then today, you literally don't have the same cells in most of your body.

The only thing that doesn't regenerate is the neurons. The neurons do not regenerate. But every cell in your body is different than the cells in your body from seven years ago so when your memories remain and this is part of the problem it's become you become a victim to the momentum of your past behavior and there's nothing you could do about it so if you're kevin spacing you decide six months ago i am not grabbing any more dicks i'm fucking done with this i'm gonna be a better person like you are attached to the momentum of your past behavior. You know,

no matter what. Even if you're not even that guy anymore. Like, seven years later, you wake up. Like, you wake up in the morning. Oh, shit. What did I grab? Grab some dicks? Fuck! Why did I do that? Why did I grab the dick of the PA? God damn it!

Oh, I was so drunk! That's not something you can do. You're stuck with that idea. Like we have to get past that. We have to figure out a way, I think by, they have to take those electric things and fucking change your brain like shock therapy. Then we let you ride. When you don't account for growth and that this is my huge thing if I had a charity that I was behind if I was on dancing with

the stars which I think I might be how's that how are those negotiate yeah working that in don't you kill Doug Stanhope. I had to fucking do a dance scene before, man. It ain't easy. He wants to die by the cha-cha. Innocence Project. Let me get this point out, and then let's go back to Dancing with Joe. Innocence Project, that's my thing. And I've never been locked up when I was innocent.

It's my fear. It's a terrifying fear. It's the entire prison system, the justice system. Prison doesn't work whatsoever. And when you lock someone up at 18 years old for some shit, you grow out of these things. Like you're not accepting that as you age, you rethink things and you're, it's fucked. Well, it's a totally ineffective way to reform people as well. Most prisons, some prisons are trying to be more progressive with their ideas. Scandinavia, Iceland?

Yes, yes. Mostly outside of America. America has a real problem. And one of the real problems is there's not all of it, but a certain amount of the prison... Yes, for profit. And these private prison systems, anytime something's for profit, the system benefits from these laws being

uniform or increasing in their severity. So if you have a way where people can profit... This is the issue that I had with marijuana. You would find out that prison guard unions would be lobbying against marijuana. For jobs. Yes.

I'm like, police unions. I have done so well in, what, are we at, like, hour 45 now? Not stepping on my new bits, because that's all I have. Oh, about that kind of stuff? About all of the things we're talking about. I was talking with Brian Cowan the other day and we were talking about something

and he was like, you know, I've been talking about this in my act. I'm like, of course you have because this is like what's really relevant today.

And I think that all of us have this weird thing like we don't want to step on each other's material. But of course you're going to see some of the same things that I'm seeing. And I want to see

your take on it as much as I want to see my take on it. Oh, I'm just, I'm trying not to do punchlines as, let's keep to the discourse and not go into bits. I have to,

I know what you mean. I know what you, but those bits are good, but you don't want to give them up yet. No, no, and this, honestly, this one bit that goes with the entire rape thing, I have been missing just one ceiling chunk of this bit that sometimes goes 25 minutes

of too long. And I just trying to get the point across and all this current climate, as I keep calling it, has made like, that's what I was missing. Now I have specific examples of this guy versus this guy now it made the entire bit come together and now i'm off the road till march i think now i actually want to go out and do more dates just because this a year and a half i think i've been working on this one stupid bit that happens you know, Chris Rock said that he was working on that I love black people, I hate niggers.

Remember that bit? Oh, fuck yeah. Who doesn't? What white man doesn't? It is, in my estimation, one of the all-time greatest, most significant stand-up comedy bits ever. And when it hit, I remember I was just kind of starting out when that bit was popular, when that bit was on CDs

and people would play it back and you'd see it on television. I was like, oh my God, this is a perfect bit. He had it boiled down. The punchlines were so succinct. It was just bam, bam, bam. And then I read that he had bombed with that bit for months and months before he figured out how to get it to work. I got hate mail from fans. It's not egregious.

Actually, well thought out. Hey, I saw you. I agree with most of what you say. But what you were saying, are you saying? And I'm like, no, that's not what I'm saying. That's what I'm trying to not say. But I'm having such a hard time alliterating this. And everything that's happened in the last month or two has, oh, now I can exactly point out what I'm saying.

Right. And I actually reverse engineered it where I go, oh, I should be starting from where I was ending and then go the other way rather than apologizing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I figured it out right when I get off the road. You fucking assholes. But it doesn't matter. Isn't it always kind of like fucking, it keeps going?

Yeah, yeah. It's done, then a new branch pops out of the tree. And you're like, oh, this is what's going to bear fruit. I was doing these shitty gigs for fucking months. And every night I hated going on stage. And now I want to go on stage, but I don't have a gig. It's not like a... What I found pretty recently, like within the last year, I mean,

is that that is all like some shit that I internalize. And then if I can just like express or respond to that the least amount, like all the weird shit, I know it exists. I have a weird set. It's too long. It's too this, too that. I don't like it. I know it exists.

Don't freak out, but understand what that is. And then you know what that is. It didn't work. Now let's figure out how to fucking never let that happen again because there's a big difference in the swing between the audience having a fucking amazing time or it was really good for 45 minutes and then it sucked for 10. Like, shit. There is no better learning experience that happens for decades than eating shit. Nothing will ever make you come back stronger than actually dying on your ass.

But I'd rather be mediocre at this point. But even mediocre requires eating shit. Dude, I ate shit after Jim Brewer in some weird suburb outside of the city in New York. I ate shit so hard it changed my life. Probably not recently. No, it was like 93?

Maybe 93? And Brewer and I were just starting out. And I was fine. I really shouldn't have been headlining. There's no way I should have been headlining. I had maybe 45 minutes that was mediocre at best. And Brewer and I had a great time all weekend.

Friday, two shows. Everything worked out great. But although, if I'm being honest, I want to say that he had better sets at least two of the three shows. At least two of the three shows. He had better sets, but I had good sets. It wasn't embarrassing. And then the second show, Saturday night,

he made me eat a busload of shit. I bombed. Like, one of the worst bombings ever of my career, ever. Where it was like everything that came out of my mouth was a dry brick. And he destroyed in front of me. I mean, destroyed the program. Like, fucking crumbs were breaking up off of the fucking low-hanging ceiling.

You know those asbestos wallpipes? Actually, I think I coined that. It was like a brick. The words came out of my mouth like a brick through a funnel. That's what it feels like. It feels like you have a mouth full of dirt. I hate shit following and where I can

blame the middle act. Like sometimes they just don't like you. The middle act can take credit, but no. They just hated you. The one I couldn't follow for a week in Miami was Chris Porter. Chris Porter. Chris Porter? You know Chris Porter?

Yeah. Fucking stoner. Fucking thin, curly hair. He's very funny. But Miami Improv at the time, this is probably 2000, and it was an urban room. 60% black.

Well, no, no, because there was a lot of Cuban, too. Oh. So, but, yeah. Maybe five white people that are scared. Sammy Sosa, no, no, because there was a lot of Cuban, too. Oh. So, but, yeah. Maybe five white people that are scared. Sammy Sosa, Cuban, 1993, or Sammy Sosa, Cuban, 2017. Miami. Miami. Okay. Not Fort Lauderdale.

Dark. Not West Palm. Curly hair. Miami. Girls have red toes. The first night, I assumed I'm getting fired, so I just- Go crazy. I took on-

No, no. I assumed I'm getting fired so I just go crazy I took on no no they were throwing fucking empty cigarette packs at me on stage following Chris Porter who knew all the fucking recent hip hoppy things he had all the

current urban trends in his act that he fucking destroyed and I'm up there like kind of new with my anti-authoritarian kind of point of view and fuck vice cops and fuck this and fuck Nash.

And he closed. It was right after. This will probably date it. Because it was when France wouldn't let us fly over their airspace. Fuck France. Yeah. Freedom prize. The point being, years later, I got one of my best bits ever about nationalism out of that.

Because he closed on, fuck France, if we hadn't have saved their ass in two world wars. And I turned that eventually into one of my best bits ever. Because I would go up and follow him going, yes, that's right, Chris Porter. That was the French calling you. Yes, Chris Porter, the Nazis are at our door. Please help us, you. And it turned into that bit I did about nationalism. If we hadn't saved the French, was that us?

Was that us garroting krauts in the trenches in Verdun? Was that you and me? I remember last night we were hammered. I don't remember saving the French. I remember we went through the drive-thru without a car. We did a lot of things, but we didn't save the French. You're talking about other people that did shit, and you're taking credit for it.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to take credit for other people's accomplishments. The same can be said for rooting for the Raiders, right? Yeah, sure. We fucking won, bro! Right. Yeah. It's a very bizarre thing that we love to do, and I think it's all connected to the—

Why does home field advantage work? It's my fucking best idea. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable in that arena for all those other people. It's my best idea that no billy ball kind of people in the professional sports leagues are picking up on. Field a team of

sociopaths. Because home field advantage is one of the biggest things in sports. Home field advantage. If you field a team of sociopaths that don't care about cheers or boos, yeah, there's no home field advantage anymore. Because these are psychopaths that don't care about cheers. They just want to win and kill.

That's not sustainable. You've got to shoot them after a couple of years. As soon as they start wearing diamonds on their watches, you've got to shoot them in the locker room. Like, what happened? What happened? How did he die? Like, Aaron Hernandez, that guy? What is this?

Tinder may be eliminating the home team advantage for NBA players. Tinder, stop hating on the black man! Tinder, I want you to consider the fact that a giant percentage of NBA players are people of color, you racist fucks. They're swooping into these white towns and banging all these white chicks. And you got a problem? Tinder? Homefield advantage?

They'll just make it easier for them. They don't have to go do work. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's what I said. They come to the hotel instead of having to go out to... Tinder, Tinder, Tinder, Tinder. I'm sorry.

I was just doing that for comedy. My God. If I was still a sexual being, man is a sexual being. That's Bernie Mac in Bad Santa. Bernie Mac, man is a sexual being. Hilarious. Stand up. You ever see Bernie Mac live?

No. I saw Bernie Mac live at the Comedy Connection in Boston once. And I was like, holy shit. He was powerful, man. I mean, his material was really funny, but shit, his delivery was like electric. Like, boom, boom. Name a black comedian where you go, his material is great, but his delivery is undersold. Don't say Hannibal Buress.

No, Hannibal's got a good delivery. He's got his thing going on. He's my buddy. Franklin Ajayi? Oh, Franklin Ajayi. Franklin Ajayi. Super low key with his delivery. Hilarious ideas.

I met him at the Green Room. Paul Provenza. I wish that show was still on. Let's do the Green Room with Doug Stanhope. Well, podcasting is basically that. It is that. Yes. But let's get on Showtime for the fuck of it.

Shit. Just so we can call our moms. Showtime. Mommy, I made it. My mom's dead. Yeah, I forgot. I said that right. I was like, man, I feel guilty.

Oh, it's Stanhope. I don't have to feel bad. I'm going to call my grandma. My grandma's dead. I forgot, bro. Fucking Chad Shanky just came back from Thanksgiving. He's like, yeah, I had to go to my grandparents' house. Does he work for you?

Does he know that it's December 5th? What kind of fucking bullshit is this? What does that mean? Thanksgiving? Long time ago, motherfucker. There's work to be done. No. The point of the story was he was talking about being at Thanksgiving at his grandparents' house, who he revered, and then how he brought his kid and his kid's kids to Globe, Arizona, because he's not a family guy. Right.

But then I started doing the math. You have grandchildren and grandparents. That means the kids are going to meet their great great grandparents did you ever meet your great great grandparents no my almost all my last grandparent died when i was 13 both of my grandfathers were dead before i was born my great great grandfather on my you were alive in the same room yeah yeah yeah holy shit yeah i barely remember though i was super young really your great great parent great great grandparents are the people that built the stone that built this town before it was a town and this was all wastewater well

my great great grandfather decided to take his family from it to America in the 19, well, basically during the Depression. Oh, that's right. Your mom's a Guinea. I met her. Yeah. She's full on. Wop. Sorry.

Yeah. She's full on Guinea. And my father was half Italian and half Irish. Everybody was immigrants, though. From my mom's side, 100%. My mother, her mother and her her father both from the old country see we don't realize

because we're living in this weird fucking semi-gentrified Starbucks era of 2017 but just during my parents time

people got on boats and they drifted from Europe across America on these shitty engines and they landed I mean it was like fucking decades after the Titanic sank these crazy fucks they took the

wildest chance ever they floated across the goddamn Atlantic Ocean to look for a better way again got here on coach he fucking flew from Southwest he almost had a middle seat but he finagled his way out of it to an aisle. There's an aisle right by the toilet. I was in boarding group A15 through 30. I mean, this shit just happened. Our families all just got here. Even if you're third generation, that's fucking three generations.

That ain't shit. That's nothing. Fourth generation, fifth, shut the fuck up. My parents have been here since the 1900s. Who? No. That's just, you just got here. Everybody just got here. I live in one of those towns where they love to say, oh, I'm a native.

Like, that makes you better because you never left and decided you wanted to be here as a functioning, free-thinking adult. No, natives are the first people you discount. I was born here. You just moved here. Well, yeah, because I was an adult and I decided I wanted to live here. You just didn't have the courage to leave and come back. Yeah, sons of bitches.

Fuck natives. It's not even that, honestly. Sorry, that was a Bisbee native, not Native Americans. I know what you mean. They don't know where to go. The mean. They don't know where to go. They're drunk. The Bisbee people don't know where to go. You don't have to go anywhere.

Just make the place better. Vegas. Vegas is one of those. Any city that is only alive and thriving because of tourism, but then they take a stand because, I was born here. Vegas doesn't do that, do they? Hawaii does it with white people.

A little bit, but annoying white people. They hate tourists, but if it wasn't for tourists, you're fucking farming pineapples. Are you farming pineapples or are you selling Crocs somewhere in a beach resort? Are you doing massage therapy? Are you doing chakra healing or are you selling Crocs somewhere in a beach resort? Are you doing massage therapy?

Are you doing chakra healing? Or are you farming pineapples? Because without tourists, you're farming pineapples and hoping Captain Cook's descendants come back and offer you some gift. Or you're eating fish that you just caught with a stick and you're trading money in the form of shells on a string. Right. That's okay, too. Like, why is Bitcoin okay, but shells aren't good? How come you can't trade in Avalone?

You just paid me in shells to be here. Yeah, that's what I'm going to give you. Lumps of salt, too. There were little lumps of salt. And chocolate gold coins. In the gift package. Chocolate gold coins. And ketogenic cookies.

And stevia drinks. Stevia drinks. Let's do some ad. Henneken, you okay over there? Let's do some ad copy. I don't have any. I'm fine. God damn it.

What's up? You okay? I'm fine. All right, buddy. Wow. Hey, I want to ask you this. You don't like headphones, bro? Hang on.

Hang on. Joe Rogan? This was just in right before I shut off my phone. The giant... Available now. Oh, yeah. Please order the book. You know what?

Let's take a minute so people can go online and order Doug Stanhope, This Is Not Fame. It's got awful stories that in the current climate, if the publisher read it right now, they'd go, we should probably pull this. No! Because... Yeah, so if you find it, folks, copy it. Everyone else is getting fired for what I'm celebrating having done worse copy it copy it down And make sure these monsters out there don't take it off the internet. I have a reality I have a end the You have the new beautiful space here. Thank endless yards and yards of space

The wolf. You have the giant wolf out there. When you walk in the door, the... Is that a Patrick McGee? Yes. Ha ha! Ghost ride. You know Chaley? Remember when I used to pit my tour manager against your red band?

Yes. Greg Chaley. He's my guy. I love Greg. I love him on your podcast as well. He and his twin brother do that for a living. They have their own Ghost Ride Productions, which is a huge haunt. They make this shit.

Patrick McGee that did Your Wolf works for Greg Chaley's twin brother. That's hilarious. So Ghost Ride Productions. If you want weird shit like that, Joe Rogan, I hope you're a loyal sponsor now of only Ghost Ride Productions. They do all this shit. Chaley does the, he does a haunted house in the front yard in Bisbee. He does haunted front yard and he brings all this shit down every Halloween.

He's so geeked up to do it. It's the only thing in Bisbee. I wanted to be one of these guys when I was a kid. Dude, I was a huge Star Wars fan to the point where I wanted to be like a Rick Baker. I wanted to do that for a living. And Pat McGee was on the podcast. We're both huge fans of An American Werewolf in London.

That's Pat McGee. That's right there. He was on the podcast a few years back. And I found The American Werewolf in London. What it is is it's a replica of the the thing that's in the movie and pat sells it you can order it online and he um he builds it but it's like the real exact scale is like one and a half times the size the real werewolf the werewolf is smaller werewolf was bigger. I just texted when we got here today,

I texted a picture of that to Chaley and he goes, oh, that looks like a, I go, hey, how's this for Halloween 2018? For his haunted yard he does in Bisbee. And he goes, that looks like a Patrick McGee. He's done work for my brother. I go, wow, if you called

that and Joe Rogan, you fucking nailed it. That's amazing. He nailed it. I think I gotta correct myself. I said it's a one and a half times larger. I don't think that's right. I think it's more like 40% larger or something now that I think about it. I think I'm confusing it with something else. But the copy that he makes is definitely larger

so he can work on the finer details. There's like blood on the teeth and the hairs. It's all yak hair around the head and it's all synthetic shit in the back But that's his work But if you look at the blood around the teeth Dude, here's the thing man I get great pleasure every time I come to work

And I look at that werewolf I fucking love it I love it I love looking at that thing I love the fact that I'm a fucking grown up baby You smile a lot more anymore I smile all the time I love it. I love looking at that thing. I love the fact that I'm a fucking grown-up baby. You smile a lot more anymore. I smile all the time.

Yeah. When you were showing us some shit and you just smiled, like, wow, that's a fucking rare smile. You used to be a lot angrier, and I like it. I got out of that. You know what? It's like we were talking about before. It's like, what are you using your energy on? Are you using your energy on being upset at things

and being in this constant sort of, like, momentum of being upset from the past that you never stop? Or do you figure out a way to, like, hit the brakes and go, okay, why are we angry? What are we getting upset at? Why don't we just, like, take all that caveman shit and just go smash some punching bag

and then come back to reality and be really relaxed about it, but do it purposely. Have some sort of intent behind it to eliminate the demons. And I figured out how to do that somewhere along the line. Aging helps. Aging helps a lot. But it's not just that. It's not aging as far as decay.

It's aging as far as information. Right. I was talking about if people figure out a way to make humans live to be 900 years old, would it be fucked up if you had sex with a 50-year-old? Would people be like, you fucking asshole. She doesn't even know any better. She's only 50. She's basically a baby. If you treat them like that until they're 50 and say you're not an adult.

I know you're 12. You can have a baby right now. Nature said you are ready to actually procreate. But we've legislated that you can't be an adult until you're 18. So for the next six years, we're just going to treat you like a baby. That's an unnecessary burden for the boy and the girl. And the lack of explaining you're you're telling them every feeling that you have naturally is wrong we're not going to explain that to you

right because we want to give you a good childhood right you shouldn't have to deal with all these adult well that's what their fucking body's telling them. So you better be honest or all of a sudden your kid's fucking a 38-year-old producer. Well, it's also the problem with looking at children as being different than a person. It's like, no, this is mine. I made them. You are not going to like boys, Michael. You're going to like girls because you're a boy and you're going to carry on the Harris name. Okay?

All right, Dad, I'm sorry. If I could have a kid, I would have a kid just for the long-term practical joke of raising him gay on YouTube and say, I was just trying to, who just had

a kid and I was trying to pitch him this? Probably Brendan Walsh and Brendan Walsh. Brendan Walsh. Like, just go and just act like you're raising your kid gay. And, you know, when you get older, two men meet each other and just say this to a baby. I think you could easily, and this is going to sound fucked up. I think you can easily convince a young kid that sex with males is normal if everyone's doing it. No, no. The idea was you have to still sex shame the kid.

It's only okay to be gay once you're married, after you're 18, but you're gay. Are you gay while you're married to a girl or a guy? The end game is the kid has to eventually when he's 18 come out as straight to his parents. That's a problem if you have really progressive parents. They're like, dude, we got super street cred for you being gay, you piece of shit. Do you think you can be straight but trans?

Do you think you're willing to go there? Let them negotiate. They'll sit down at the table of progressive brownie points. Hmm. We were really happy about you being gay, Michael, and you being straight. Frankly, it's a big bummer to our social system.

It's like, they're gonna think, here's what the word is. You're never gonna work at the law firm. They're gonna think we shamed you out of being gay, and that's simply not the case. We have it so easy, Joe, where we can sit here with white privilege that we have. We're not like Sam Seder.

Comedy privilege, which we have in droves, which is way more, that's way better diamond elite status than just white privilege. We have comedy privilege. It's true. Oh, they're just kidding. No, we're not. But it says comic.

Okay, if you're going to get cunty about it, I was just kidding. And then it's all golden. Well, you're clearly kidding because you're not saying it specifically in a form where you're trying to disseminate information. You're trying to be funny as well. So you'll say extreme things

that don't necessarily represent your actual viewpoint just because you want it to be more hilarious. If Sam Seder were funny all the time, rather than that one tweet, he'd be fine. Sorry Sam, write more. Jesus! It's true. But we have the luxury of having a social circle that is very tolerant. Like, to the N-word degree, tolerant in a green room.

Wait a minute. You can't say nigger word degree. Oh, that was yesterday. That doesn't even make sense. That was like a gratuitous use of the N-word. No, I was saying that in a green room when it's just comics, nigger, retard, cunt, dyke,

fucking everything flies. Yes, and when it doesn't, you get super upset. Like, if someone says, ah, she retard, cunt, dyke, fucking everything flies. Yes. And when it doesn't, you get super upset. Like if someone says, ah, she's a cunt. And someone goes, hey, man, you really shouldn't fucking talk about women like that. No, I'm saying when you say you're a cunt to a feminist comedian in the confines of a green room, everyone's free and clear. At least the green rooms I've been part of. Nobody has a problem with you calling a man a cunt.

Nobody. Not in the UK. I've been part of. Nobody has a problem with you calling a man a cunt. Nobody. Not in the UK. But, I mean, even in America. The guy really is a cunt, right? Sorry, you looked immediately at Hennigan when you said that. No, he's looking at me. He's nodding, and I'm just trying to bring him into the conversation. You mean pull him out of his fucking laptop?

No, a little bit. You know, we're all talking. We're friends. Like, Saddam Hussein was a all talking. We're friends. Like, Saddam Hussein was a cunt. I heard his kids were cunts. His kids? I heard they were cunts.

Those sons? Nobody cares. You could say that. The two. I don't know. He might have had other sons. I don't know if they're cunts, but there were two cunts.

Udi was one of them. And Cushe. Cunts. Yeah. They apparently, like, would find people when they were getting married. They would take the bride, rape her, and then they would feed her to dogs. Wow.

That's a little Caligula. They were off the top evil. Over the top. Whoa. Yeah. I read that and I had to stop reading. I was like, okay, I can't go on with this. That's another thing about aging. Not giving a fuck, but also giving more of a fuck.

When we were kids, we're the same age. We would watch all that Faces of Death shit. Couldn't get enough of it. Now, I don't want to. No, no, I can't watch that shit. Did you try that Stevia? No, I won't do it. I'll drink it.

Of course you will. I like it. I'm looking at it. I'm like, he cracked it. He's never going to drink it. Never going to drink it of course you will I like it I'm looking at it I'm like he cracked it he's never gonna drink it never gonna drink it oh it's so good it makes my dick hard

bingo's all sugar free and she she used to like get a diet coke we're going through a drive through diet coke

wow and they press the little thing on the top to show you which one's diet and which one's regular right check this to make sure cause she knows how much I hate artificial sweeteners.

I don't want to, no, because I don't drink that. The aftertaste never leaves your fucking mouth. Stevia is no different. Splenda. What's this? Sucralose. It's awful. I just can't have sugar, so try this for me.

If you're a thirsty diabetic and you pull up to the Wendy's drive-thru at 1.45 a.m., what percentage of the time do you get a giant vat of sugar? If you're like, I just want extra large Diet Coke, that's it. Okay. Don't. At least one out of a hundred, you're getting a vat of sugar water, right? At least one out of a hundred. I mean, a vat of sugar water. Right? At least one out of a hundred. I mean, I'm assuming it's kind of like your own restaurants.

They don't brew anything other than decaf after eight o'clock. I think the dude who's monitoring that thing is going to slip on a puddle of his own drool and slam his head into the regular Coke. It's going to fill your shit up with something that's going to give you a seizure. That's what I think. I'm going to fill that fucking thing up to the top with very little ice because he doesn't want to be cheap. Oh, this is where I was going.

I fucking had a thing I was going to. Oh. This is about Henneken? Yeah, last year. Uh-huh. A year ago? A little bit over a year ago. End of the World podcast.

Oh, yeah. I don't know if I've seen you once since then. I think we saw each other once. I think you came to the store once. You've been back on here, I think. Maybe. Either way, end of the world podcast. I was not in a good place. Yes, you were not. To say the least. Yeah, but I will tell you one thing that I said to all my friends. I said I admire the fact that you pushed through it and even though you were like a little bit like flustered, you were still gregarious. can't watch the video i'm i'm sure you were in a weird place

tell everybody why and my my gal bingo had just gone into uh possibly terminal she had a seizure fell down smashed her head on the cement life flighted in a coma. She might not make it. If she does make it, it might be worse than not making it at all. And I said, I didn't know how to handle that. Fuck. I didn't know either. But I made the decision since it happened during her 40th birthday party. So all of her friends and family were at the house in Bisbee. It happened.

So she's surrounded by all these people who took a week off to be there for a five-day party. They're there. I can't help her. She's in a coma. Me standing with the family, staring at a half-corpse is not going to help. Bucket, I'm going to do this thing.

This is a big deal. And it was a huge... It's pretty goddamn epic, Douglas. Fucking amazing. We were there when Donald Trump was elected president. And Bill Burr might have had the greatest podcast appearance of all time. You know what it was like? It was like one of them Michael Jordan things that you would watch when you were a kid.

You're like, what the fuck? It's how he... His whole heckler YouTube thing in Philly. Yeah. That's him. And now he one-upped it by doing the End of the World podcast. He was on fire. He was on fire.

I mean, he was on fire to the point where everybody stepped back. Except, who was the gal that had a different? Well, this is where we're going. Sarah Tiana. I don't know her. That was all because of Brian Hennigan. Exactly. This is where we're going.

Yeah. Because I wanted to name drop Olivia Grace. She's hilarious. Fucking funny. Dude, just did a show she was like 17 yeah she's like she said she started when she's 18 now she's 22 she just did a show at my house they were just on tour that's hilarious god damn it i can't remember uh something jewish uh with a first name. Jewy McJuestein? Oh, no. They're on tour. Fuck, I'm sorry, Jewy guy. Jewy, Jewy? They were both funny. They showed up.

Jewy, Jewy, Jewy, Jewy. God damn, look it up. Find it somehow. Jewy, Jewy, Jewy. Olivia Grace's Twitter. She's hilarious. They're on tour. Point being, Olivia Grace.

Yeah, so they come through. They had a night off, and they stayed at the house, and we forced them to do a show. Oh, it sounds like rape. I don't know if that was Thanksgiving or what. You forced them to do a show. Yeah, well, she's going to have to watch me jerk off. In 20 years, doing a show, forcing someone to do a show is going to be the new rape. Eric Friedman. Eric Friedman. Chewy. The first name's not Chewy. Anyway, they went up.

We had Castle Rock Kenny go up and do rap first. We have a little stage in our little fun house where we do our podcast. And we can make it a show like that. And it's always the best audiences. Never has a show failed there. They're always great. They're in your house. Yeah, but the people that come to my house, they couldn't name their favorite comedian because they don't know.

They'd go, Jim Belushi? Is he a comedian still? They don't. They're great. They killed. She fucking crushed. Cool. But she told me, let's get back to End of the World podcast.

I had told Hennigan, yeah, we should probably have some kind of diversity. This is before that night. All rules are changed. Development deal. When we were planning it out, what it should be. That night, I'm fucked. My head is my lady gonna live or die. Why am I here? I shouldn't

have done this. Let's make the best of it. I go in the bathroom in the fucking shower. For some reason, they have a shower. The back of the comedy store. No one's ever used it once. So stupid. I would go back there, and I'd fucking fall apart crying,

and then I'd come back out on stage and try to keep it together. Well, Hennigan is still thinking, we need women on this. It's all white men. So he's just, he has no discretion. He's just getting any woman and forcing her on stage. And you're going,

what the fuck? Why isn't that? I wasn't there. No, you didn't know you, you were saying, why is she? I go, it's probably my fault.

I probably, why is your manager saying we need women? Well, I probably said it, but. Here's the thing that's important. Most of the people that you had on that dais, that stage, whether it's Bill Burr, whether it's Burt Kreischer or Doug or me, Jeffrey showed up with his kid. That was the weirdest part. That was weird. He came on stage with a little kid and we were like, hey man,

you literally can't do this. Legally. Like legally can't do this. I can't say it's okay to do this. We can't talk about the same things that we were going to talk in front of your kid. It's fucking creepy. If you have your kid on stage and Doug wants to talk about anal vibrators and it's the hardest he's ever come

and the gal was drowning and gagging, but it felt so good. He's like, how long does it take before you can resuscitate someone with no brain damage? What if she blacks out from all the comments coming out because of this black vibrator?

Let's get back to this. He couldn't do that in front of his kid. I don't want to... Let me get the point and let's go back to this. Please do. Because Olivia Grace, when she was down in Bisbee, she said she was there that night when Brian Hennigan was scouring the audience for female comics.

Don't throw Brian under the bus. She's very boyish. She has a very short haircut. She's very boyish. And he's like, no, we need female comedians. And he tapped her and he went not you and then moved on. Oh Brian you're a

piece of shit Olivia if I did that a discredit if there was a better story. You should have brought her out Brian she's hilarious. You're fired Anyway. You're fired from the production of the end of the World Part II. Let's do another one.

When do you want to do it? We have to find. I've been looking for it since you said that. Let's do it in January. Let's do it at the Comedy Store in January, and let's just find some random Tuesday. It'd be good to do. Hey, shut the fuck up. Who let this guy talk?

It'd be good if you had something to put it around. Oh, maybe we can bring some women or some blacks. Do you have any people of color we can insert into the podcast? Well, I'm sorry for adopting to America. Oh, listen, you're not adopting to America. You're influencing art.

How dare you? Let's do it on the anniversary of the Amistad. Perhaps we should make this podcast comprised with Shabria Law. Can we comply with Shabria Law? You don't want to be Islamophobic on the podcast. It's 2018.

How about the women wear the burkas It's gonna be on YouTube You don't want to ruin the desert No new ideas in the middle of the desert In 2017 We need equal parts vaginas and penises It doesn't matter how funny they are Come on we gotta avoid criticism

at all costs. I, again, I take credit. I was probably the one who said it. No, it's my fault. I fucked up. I should have talked to everybody beforehand. There was no talking to me. I should have talked to the security guards and said, don't let anybody back here. No one gets on stage unless Doug and I say

yes. Tell Hannigan to shut the fuck up. I know only from hearing secondhand, even though I was there. I knew there was, whatever that girl was, there was a beef. Sarah Tiana? Oh, Morgan Murphy was on it, too. Morgan Murphy's amazing. Fucking, even Mishka Shabali was there. Look, and I like Sarah Tiana, too.

I wasn't there when the issue happened, but she apparently had some issue, and it was a non, it was done in, it was it was a non it was it's done in it it was all not a humorous discussion it was like a sincere discussion how bad it was that donald trump was going to win and how bad it was for women because it was right after the grab them by the pussy video and so or audio so there's a lot of shit going on you know and i wasn't there i'd gone to the other room i did a set in in the OR, and I came back, and everyone was like, oh, man, you missed this crazy blowout between Bill Burr and Sarah Tiana. That's my point is that is not a negative or a deficit if there's huge blown-up conflict on a podcast. People actually – that's not what we planned.

You're right. But people will click on it because they heard at some point there's a big blowout. As long as we can keep Sarah Tiana off Twitter for a couple weeks. I don't know her. I don't remember her. But I mean reading the people that commented on it. Some of the people were particularly fucking mean when they commented on it. I'm like, okay, okay.

Everybody relax. Bingo put out a book. Not a book. It's not a book. It's her first mental institution stay when she was 5150 against her will. Like when she was hardcore crazy before we get together, she wrote like an Anne Frank diary

in the moment of what's going on. And she put that out as a book or her Anne anne frank diary and you know bingo she's a soft touch and i'm like you can't read comments oh yeah you're not strong enough people on the internet there's gonna be someone who's a fucking asshole so just don't go there she does like eventually someone's gonna be a fucking cocksucker and you're not gonna be able to handle it. You're not like us.

I have a hard time. I won't look at fucking YouTube comments. I don't want to know. Yeah. Well, it's just not. Here's the thing. I wish everybody was cool. And there's an absolute reality when you do.

You put out as much content as you or i or a lot of us there's going to be some stuff that you like and stuff that you don't like and there's just going to be styles you like there's certain people that don't like someone someone the other day online i i showed a picture of me and david tell and they were like fuck that guy he's never funny i'm like oh my god okay i'm i'm you, you can exist. I don't think you should die. But I can't talk to you. I just can't. I just don't. I don't. There's no. I got done watching David Tell for 20 minutes of the improv with half a

crowd and I was fucking literally crying. It's me and four or five. You don't want to do comedy again. It was wonderful. It was a break. I got to be an audience member. It was amazing. But somebody out there was like, fuck that guy. Would he say fuck that guy if he's sitting next to me in that room that night man? There's no way there's no way there was only like There might have been 60 people in that room and a tell was destroying

I mean destroying I was like you can't say fuck that guy if you watch that it was so funny No that guy if you watched that. It was so funny. Isn't it often the case that, and I know this definitely with Doug's audience, do you hate headphones? They are hurting my fucking ears. You guys can swap out. He's fucking sweat. But isn't it the case that

there's somebody who's like one of Doug's fans who's like, I'm helping Joe by saying, get rid of that guy. Cause I just want to hear competition. That's the problem with the last comic standings. People go, Oh,

you're a way better than so-and-so. It's not a competition. It should, they do that in your face. Yeah. They'll do it to you. They'll walk right up to you and go, you are so much funnier than that guy.

The guy that you brought out of your own pocket because you thought that this guy should be known to your audience. They act like this opening act was forced upon you. No, I brought him out of my own pocket because I thought you would enjoy him and he needs to be seen. Right. And you're fucking. I like that you do that. You do that like I do that. I think that's super important.

Bring guys like Brendan Walsh out on the road and all these dudes you bring out and tell people about them. But that's a big part about this era as opposed to the old eras is that I think this era is more supportive. There's more opportunities so people don't feel famine.

They don't feel like, only one guy could be the host of the Tonight Show. That's not a thing anymore. No. No. Like, if somebody offered me the Tonight Show, I'd be like, what? What do you want me to do? You want me to go and fucking talk about shit I don't want to talk about? For like, how, what do you think happens if you make more money?

We did Ferguson last night. Ferguson. Craig Ferguson. I thought you meant where the riots took place. No, no. What do you think happens if you make more money? We did Ferguson last night. Ferguson with a riot? I thought you meant where the riots took place. No, no, Craig Ferguson. We did his podcast last night, and I told him, I go, I hated you when I first saw you, because I don't watch late night, but if I was flipping channels and I saw you for a minute with your accent and getting your face into that, like, fisheye lens thing he would do in his monologue. I didn't like you until

I heard you on Stern. All of a sudden, he was a human being for an hour and 20 minutes. He's a guy with good stories and he hated... No one would accept the fact that he did not want to do anything else. They're offering

him other projects he's like no i'm good i'm done well you know hollywood quit that i know it i mean i think that's the greatest thing about his decision making like he's like i don't want to do this anymore and now he does stand up and he just did a netflix special yeah and he's doing a podcast because he goes i gotta do something i want to talk but i don't want to do it by their rules. And no one believes when you don't have... That's kind of half the through line of the book is when you... I want to do what I do, but no one buys that you don't need to be more famous. Right.

I don't... I likened it to eating eggplant. Less famous is better. If I eat a little bit of eggplant and I don't like it, I know I don't want more. Eggplant's delicious. Do you not like eggplant? Oh, with stevia on it. Fuck it. You ever had eggplant parmesan?

One time my mother tried to make it and it was so grotesque that when she's saying, you gotta eat it, and then when she tried it, she goes, alright, give me all your plates, this came out bad. Sorry. Well, maybe that's what it was. Maybe if you went to a me all your plates. This came out bad. Sorry. Well, maybe that's what it was. Maybe if you went to a real Italian restaurant, Yonkers or something like that.

If you don't like a little bit of fame, you know you're not going to like a lot. Yes. So it's not like. Well, I think you like a little bit. Let's be real. A little bit is great. You like a little bit. And I think a little bit is good. I think it's all good as long as the numbers are manageable and you can stay yourself. I think the real problem

is when you go, look, here's the best example. Michael Jackson. There's never been a better example in the world of toxicity due to celebrity status. Like you hit critical levels. You hit some Three Mile Island shit. You hit some Chernobyl shit. It's impossible

to maintain the amount of energy that's coming your way as a normal human being. I mean, you don't have any unique DNA that allows you to deal with the idea that 300 million people know who you are

or more. If you're Michael Jackson, they want to tear your DNA out and put it in a Petri dish and make a fucking clone out of you. And frame it and put it in their man cave. And there's a bunch of people that think that maybe you're molesting kids

and you've got a fucking amusement park in your backyard and you're literally losing your mind. And you tell a guy, hey, man, I can't sleep. I want you to anesthetize me every night in a fucking tube. Just put me in some fucking crazy hyperbaric chamber and pump in the gas. I mean, this guy was off the fucking reservation. There had never been anybody that famous before. He was literally the guy with the candle at the end of the universe going,

oh, my God, I think there's more room. No one's ever been here before. No one's ever been that famous. And what happened? He went crazy. He went completely insane and died young and no and nowhere between 1990 and 2017 does it look like any of what's happened to him is manageable it's like he's running down a hill like tumbling down a hill and he's okay for the first decade maybe

the first two decades but after a while he's just getting chewed the fuck up psychologically physically he keeps getting more plastic surgery. And his psyche. I don't think he was ever very stable psychologically. No. No, I don't think so either. I mean, I don't know. But have you ever seen that documentary on him?

It's fucking amazing. I love that. That documentary is the first time. This is it. This is it. Yeah, it's amazing. It's brilliant. Again, I don't know music.

To watch that, you go, oh, this guy really did know what the fuck he was doing. I just don't get it. He was really brilliant. I just think the songs suck. Well, they suck in terms of what you want to hear right now. Everything requires context, right? Do you remember when I was a kid, and I remember this really clearly because I was in high school and I was living at home, and I was listening to WCOZ in Boston.

No. FNX? No. No, WCOZ. That was right. WCOZ in Boston. It was a radio station in Boston in the 1980s. It was a rock and roll station.

And the guy came on who was a DJ. I wish I could remember. It wasn't Mark Parenteau, who was like the big one. It wasn't Dave Maynard. It was Dave Maynard in the morning. But the guy came on who's a DJ I wish I could remember it wasn't Mark Parenteau who's like the big one Charles Lockman in the morning but the guy came on he played Michael Jackson he played a Michael Jackson song I think it was Beat It and he said look I know

this no he played Billie Jean he goes I know this isn't rock and roll because it's so good I have to play and he played it and he played Billie Jean. There was no Twitter back then. Fucking with this nigger music. Well, not only that, this guy was a real DJ.

He was like one of the last of the real DJs that could literally decide, hey, I just heard this Lou Reed record that you fuckers have to hear from the beginning to the end. I want you to listen from the beginning to the end. So I'm going to play this. You hear Bruce Springsteen when he was like 30. Beginning to the end.

They used to do that. You used to sit there and listen. That doesn't exist anymore. This is one of the problems with money. There's problems with trademarks and the ability to put things on YouTube and whether or not you can get credit for this or put that up or that up. Like a radio station, if it just wanted to appear right now and do like that kind of a thing, it'd probably be almost impossible. Like how many radio stations are there in the world where they would let you just play a whole Bruce Springsteen album from

the beginning to the end? Well, terrestrial radio at this point could probably play child porn, just soundtracks, and no one's listening anymore. Do you still do, like, Goober in the morning when you have to promote a gig? I don't have to do that. I don't, but I miss some people. I miss Kevin and Bean. Johnny Dare in Kansas City. I miss that guy. He's a good guy.

We didn't have to do it, but Johnny Dare and I have enough of a history. So when I went to Kansas City, I got there the night before. I said, all right, if I wake up at 6 a.m., which I did, and we went down just for fun and we took over morning radio. And Johnny Dare, in passing, he's like, he knows my house is all weird, so he's showing me pictures of his house, and he's getting all sorts of fucked up weird kind of

things, and... What's his name? Patrick McGee. Oh. I'm like, ladies and gentlemen. No, I go, yeah, my tour manager, Greg Chaley, does Ghost Ride. He goes, all this shit came from Ghost Ride. I go to the St. Louis...

Yeah, that's the second time now that a morning radio guy like Joe Rogan... Meanwhile, Hennessy's over there reading. Hennessy? Yeah, exactly. I was just checking up on... I was just reading the comments and seeing if we should alter our behaviors. He's not a guest.

I was bringing more diversity. I've got a few African students I would like to have into the studio. For the record, Hennigan is not technically a guest. His name's Hennessy. But when Hennessy is a guest on my podcast, he does the same thing. He'll sit there

like you can't fucking read your laptop while you're a guest you can't do that close that shit bitch i just wanted to look at he's fine he's tweeting i was looking at the uh because i remember noticing this before somebody had edited out the best of bill burr on the podcast election night as a standalone video and it's got 900 000 views just the best of bill burke smashed it he smashed it like it was so perfect for him because he had material fucking held it up it was awesome but it was great to have all those people keep coming in no dude you were great listen you got it you and i've been friends for so long i knew what you were

going through i was like i just don't know what to I just don't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know to joke around with you. But I was trying to bail out of it before the coma. I was saying, I don't think I'm the guy for the job. You're like, fuck you. You're coming to LA. So then when the seizure happened, I go, he's going to think

that her coma is an excuse. I didn't. But I was in a fucked place. How about Marilyn Manson backstage with a golf shirt on or some shit? Oh my God, he showed up like the end of the movie Flight, which is the best

ending to a movie ever. That's the Denzel Washington where he crashes the plane, but he saves the entire crew like Sully. Like lost. But he was fucked up. He was jacked and fucked in the movie. but he saves the entire crew like Sully. Like lost. Like Sully. Right. Like lost. But he was fucked up. He was jacked and fucked in the movie

and at the end he's drunk as shit and John Goodman, his drug dealer, comes in and fixes him with cocaine so he can testify. Whoa. That's really? It's the best ending of a movie ever. I might have to go see that movie.

Watch the beginning and then fast forward through the fluff in the middle and get to the end, and it's one of the best. Manson showed up. Jamie, take notes. Beginning. Avoid the middle. There's an art-hod, art-wad. There's a giant picture in Johnny's house where I'm staring at this.

It looks like Manson. in Johnny's house where I'm staring at this. It looks like Manson. And I, fuck, Manson, as weird and unstable as he is, is the only guy I can think of that would understand where I am right now, why I'm here, how fucked I am, what's going on. And I called him, and he answered his phone, which he never answers his phone, at 5.30 at night, which is morning for him. And I told him what's going on.

He said, I'll be there in 30 minutes. And he showed up with Krispy Kremes and cocaine. And he fixed the whole problem. And then he showed up and he sat backstage. He wouldn't come out on stage. And once where I was beckoning for him to come out, that's when his management people caught wind of the fact that he's about to go out and his handler had to drag him away. But he saved my fucking life that night.

Who are his fucking handlers? Who knows? We need to talk to them. Tell them to relax. They're writing a book right now. Look at me. Relax. Settle down. You're handling a book right now. Look at me. Re-lax. Settle down. You're handling Marilyn motherfucking Manson.

Okay? All right. There you go. It's not Jim Neighbors. Okay? You just let him go. He's one of the few guys that are actually still rock and roll guys. Really doing it.

Oh, my God. What do they want to do? Keep him out of legal trouble? Keep him alive? Get the fuck out of here. You need a secondary version. You need guys who are lawyers who are on Adderall, and they report to the lawyers who are sober. You have two filters.

You have dudes who understand people on coke, because they're basically on some sort of synthetic coke. And then you have they report, like they have to wear police body cameras, and they report to the lawyers who are sober, get drug tested every day. And they go, okay, what exactly is going on? Everybody has a say. They bean count together, and they go, how do we handle this? Well, we handle

this by the fact that we're handling, Marilyn fucking Manson! Let him do it! Let him go! Give him the gun! Give him the rubber gloves! Buy the rubber gloves! Buy the rubber gloves! He's such a sweet dude. Yeah, he's a very nice guy.

I met him a couple of times. He's always been very friendly. Genuinely friendly. Sorry, I turned that on. I was going to show you a picture. I can't wait to tweet this, but I have to wait for the right time. I like the fact that you shut off your phone like a gentleman. Plus I like the fact that your phone makes a starting noise from 2006.

What is that? One of them Samsung Galaxy ones? I used to bust my balls because I was the last guy with a flip phone. So depressing. And you'd have all the new gadgetry. And I was so proud to have a flip phone. But when we started working in the UK, nobody calls. phone but when we started working the UK nobody calls everyone only texts because I guess phone calls cost a fucking thousand pounds a minute or something so I had to actually get a smartphone

but I still long for the flip phone days well Samsung just came out with a new phone that's a hybrid it's a combination of a smartphone and a flip phone and you open it up and you can get an actual keyboard and you talk to people just like a regular flip phone and when you're done you hang it up and the front of the phone is a bezel-less smartphone so the front of the phone as a list yeah like you do text messages you can view the internet and then when you want to open it up and make phone calls it acts like a regular old-school flip phone. People really like it in terms of pressing physical buttons.

Can you watch a movie on your fucking smartphone? I know people that have a Bisbee. They don't have cable. That's why football is popular at my house because no one has TV. So they can't watch it unless they come to my house. But I know people that watch,

they'll just sit and watch an entire movie on a phone. I can't watch it unless they come to my house. But I know people that watch, they'll just sit and watch an entire movie on a phone. Right. I can't watch it on a 32 inch screen. I need a big fucking screen to watch a movie. Yeah, I think 100%. I go, the only time that, there's that phone. The only time is like when you're on a plane or something, you're trapped and all you have is your phone.

Look at that phone, Doug. Look at that screen. So the front of it is like an iPhone. Is it 60 inches? No. That would be an awkward phone call. You can't carry that phone, Doug. Look at that screen. So the front of it is like an iPhone. Is it 60 inches? No. That would be an awkward phone call. You can't carry that around, bro. You don't even understand inches, bro. That's the size of like an iPhone 6 or some shit.

Actually, it looks a little bigger than that, doesn't it, Jamie? How big is it? How big is the screen? I had it on another page. When I had to decide which picture goes in the book and which doesn't because there's too many dick pics, I deleted this and put in the me pulling my dick out in front of Louis C.K., but I can't wait to tweet this.

Let me see that. I have to apologize. I was wrong. You touched it wrong. I didn't touch it. Jesus Christ. He's angry. By the way, this exhaust system gotta ramp this thing up.

Are we out? Are we going towards a... Yeah, I pulled my dick out in front of her, but what about the three or four people in between? Everybody seems okay with it. Yeah, that was back when it was kind of my thing. Sarah Silverman's there. She smiled. I know, that's the point.

Did you ask? Did you ask first? No, no, I was fluffing. You can tell in the picture I was fluffing, but... Are you prepared for shame? I'm ready for it. You might get it. You might have to get this. Is there a place where people can view this, or is it going to exist? No, I was going to tweet it. Hmm, let me talk

to you about this. Alright. Let's wait. Let's wait. I've got some ideas. You said Sarah Silverman. Sarah Silverman is a friend and a wonderful comedian and a colleague. And I think you and I both respect her as equals. I do. I don't think that's what- I didn't want her to get into any trouble because she wrote a, is it okay to love Louis C.K. thing.

Call me first. Well, is it okay to love me? Because here's me with my dick out in front of you. Here's the thing. It might not be anymore. This is why we need to burn that. We need to burn your whole phone. You need to get a modern phone that allows you to take photos and get online.

And then you need to burn that thing because you can't have those pictures. You can't have those pictures floating around. It's important, man. I'm sorry. I was the guy that put it out. This is so sad. Those are developed pictures from a photo mat. I think it's

going to take a little time, but once we get through this, we're going to find some sort of a reasonable agreement where when you can and cannot pull your dick out. Because what we need to do when people are young, boys and girls, install a small like some sort of a sexual

equivalent to a turkey tester or something like uh like a green light you know like like ding like goes off like okay you can pull your dick out now sir like i'm 23 years old i've been going to college but that's more the time you should pull your dick out it's when you're our age that's inappropriate unless they're our age too which you know what there's no 50 year old comics hitting on 50 year old women maybe but what if it's a woman like Christy Brinkley

she's like 63 she's still hot as fuck well then you go oh my god I'm your age so I know who you are unlike young men you're just happy to be there you don't pull your dick out I wish i did this years ago when it was erect how many people would be mad if a woman pulled their vagina out

almost zero right like who would feel threatened that's the real problem the real problem is the physical violence potential and the number of people that have been raped that's the real problem because it was just about weird sex things, like... Well, this is... Which is the bit that I've been working on, is the difference between... Hot as fuck. Take it or leave it. Yo, come on, bitch. Christy Brinkley does not live a human life in perfect lighting with perfect makeup. You don't need that.

With the perfect angle. You just need glasses. Dark ones with... No, at some point she's hunched over like I am with perfect makeup. You don't need that. You just need glasses. Dark ones. At some point she's hunched over like I am with this posture, wearing reading glasses thicker than ours, trying to focus on something on a laptop and that spill belly

is hanging over her cunt because eight kids came out of it. That's when you both put on mascot masks. Like you're the squirrel and she's the raccoon. And you guys just fuck by the firelight. Just get right in front of that goddamn fireplace and go to town. Molly and X is so overrated because it leads to all these problems.

It certainly can. It certainly can lead to a weird, unofficial bond with people. Imagine this. certainly can lead to uh like a weird unofficial bond with people right like like if everybody imagine this if everybody's like hugging people if like committing to hugging people was like as intimate as committing to having sex with people well hugging people is really quick right and no one says oh he hugged too soon he i was i was i was hoping it was going to be a long hug but his hug was done like in seconds like he was a teenager on his first hug like the the man does not have the right to pull out of the hug before the woman wants to end the hug like period we all know this can you hug twice in a night? No.

No, don't do it because the second hug will be unenthusiastic and not representative of your soul, who you are as a spiritual being. You need to only hug once a week.

Once a week with someone you love. porn has changed the game. Porn has ruined fucking and it's continuing to ruin fucking. It's just setting you up for robot fuck dolls. Have you seen that stripper robot that gyrates on the pole?

No. There's a robot that goes on the stripper pole. And it's clearly a robot. You see all the mechanical parts. But it's moving his ass like some beautiful woman with a perfect ass. Okay, okay. We are so close to not being able to tell. I don't know if we understand what exponential increases in technology are.

Look at this. Look at this robot. She's gyrating on this pole. So she's holding this pole. Okay, well, right now you can see her joints and all that stuff, and I know she's not a human, even though she's wearing high-heeled shoes. How many more years do we have before that is fixed? But how often did you need that?

You went to see strippers because you wanted the threat of getting pussy. You didn't need her to spin around a brass pole. If she was just there, vacant, robotic, and ass, a splay, and a kimbo, you'd just fuck her. You wouldn't go, I need you to dance. I need to want it more. All that does is make you want it when you didn't want it to begin with. Oh, I didn't think about fucking until she did all that thing on the brass pole. Now I have a boner.

Now I'm using that as my leader. Do you know what I'm saying? Not particularly. If you weren't thinking about fucking, and then there's a girl dancing around a brass pole, shaking her ass. Oh, now I have a boner. Now I'm thinking about fucking where I would have just talked to you. Well, if a girl's just sitting outside reading a book, not thinking about fucking, and Jason Momoa shows up, and he's in an open shirt. Who is this guy that you fantasize about?

The guy from the Game of Thrones, Conan! Put him on. And he's chopping wood. Travis? Is that his name, Travis? Jamie. Jamie? He's chopping wood with a giant axe, and the girls get all juicy just looking at him, because

he's perfect. That's him. Shut the fuck up. Come on. I was going to say, with a nipple ring, but that was the cursor. Yeah. Come on. It's a handsome man.

He's very friendly, too. No, he's not. I met him at Whole Foods. You say he's not because you're not a woman. By the way, he's about 6'4". No, there's a baseball player. He's a giant person. What's his name?

From the Nationals. The most beautiful man in sports. I always call him Jason... Justin? He's the guy with the big beard from the Nationals. He's a fucking gorgeous Viking, but that guy's a muscle-bound. You're into weird dudes. I'm going to have to say this, Joe.

I'm into dudes that girls like. Worth. Worth with an E. W-E-R-T-H. That guy is fucking gorgeous. Okay, it's not a competition. Yes, it is. It is fucking now.

Why do you have an issue with Jason Momoa? Because we're going to end this podcast with a Twitter. Who do you like? Ladies. Because, you know, we both have 80% male fan bases. More than that. I went on Instagram. I went on Instagram.

Jason Worth. Okay, I'm with you. He's beautiful. That's the one. The one you were just touching. That's the one. Look at his traps. Fucking that guy.

I bet he looks great naked. Do you have naked photos of Jason Worth? I bet he's a dick like a baseball bat. A giant one. Not even one of those ones you give out for free. All you ladies listening, Jason Worth or? Jason Momoa. Battle of the Jasons.

Battle of the Jasons. Listen, it's just a matter of what do you want to do? Do you want to live in a mansion? Or do you want to live on the beach and raise your kids in the sand? Okay, you got to pick your poison. I have no idea. Jason Momoa is like, he came over on a fucking raft. Like he's like some kind of Polynesian god.

He's from Hawaii. It's like six foot four. Hawaii is kind of the most expensive state to live in. Only for white people. He's a refugee? For white people. You're not even paying attention. Do you know how many islands there are in Hawaii, bro?

Five? So racist, bro? Five? So racist. Five? Sorry, is this a bonus question? Do you smell like smoke enough that you're going to get in trouble when you get home? No. How old are your kids now? Seven and nine for the young ones.

I've got a... Daddy smells like cigarette smoke. I've got shirts here that I could change. But it's good that you did this. You changed smoke through this because we realized this system sucks. Yeah, I noticed that earlier on. Whoever is making this system, I've been breathing it. I've definitely got a second-hand nicotine high.

It should be called the Stanhope test. It doesn't work. Stanhope test. No, it didn't. Jason did tell me before you showed up late. Hey, you've got to think like right here. It doesn't work. It's down hope test. No, it didn't. Yeah, we got to call the people that do this and go, hey, you got to think like a bar. Think like a bar. Don't think like your grandma smoking occasionally in the bathroom. We're going to get a little bathroom fan.

I said, did Rogan put this system in specifically for me? And he goes, I think so. Definitely for you and Dice Clay. You too. And Attell. Yeah, Attell. Yeah, he's another one. I can't live without the cigarettes.

We were outside. He just keeps going. I just did five days off. Yeah, Attell. Yeah, he's another one. I can't live without the cigarettes. We were outside. He just keeps going. I just did five days off of him coming into this. Did you really? Quit everything for five days except medicinal drinking. Do a couple shots of whiskey because at this point, can't quit cold turkey. Very dangerous, deadly. I understand.

Now, what was harder? What does it feel like to take five days off of cigarettes? When I do it my way, perfect, fantastic, because no one can come around me. If I don't have to do a phoner or write a thing, write a book. When you write, do you like to smoke? That's the hardest thing of everything. Hinchcliffe says that too doing stand-up writing is that's where it's integral to the process chain smoking tap tap tap smoke tap tap tap smoke whiskey drink

tap tap tap yeah everything else i get over writing was the only... You know when I find sometimes some of my best bits have been me drunk on an airplane? I have the exact opposite where I talk about I get off an airplane drunk and I have stacks of cocktail napkins. I say, if it says Delta on the napkin, this joke sucks. And they're not even jokes. They're pontificating. What about this and that? the napkin, this joke sucks. And they're not even jokes, they're pontificating. What about this and that? Maybe twice in 20 years I've gotten good bits off a drunk

airplane. Twice in 20 years is a good number, though. If you could find one thing where you could do like 300 times and you could get 20 great bits or twice, you know, two great even two. Like, think about how many days you spend trying to write to get two great bits it's uh the amount of bad bits though where i yeah i'm embarrassed

to have the napkin in my pocket like what the fuck does this even have those saved owen smith has a great show he's doing where he has you pull out your old notebooks. Fucking cocksucker! I did it. Brian Hannigan told me, no, no, we're going to make a show out of this. Brian Hannigan, you lazy bitch. You didn't even research whether or not Owen Smith had been doing it for a while. My first notebook where you have to go

and read the shit you wrote in 1990 that you thought was brilliant. Yes. Oh, no! We're trying to sell this as a show! Don't tweet about it. Why does it have to be isolated to one individual? How come you can't do it as well?

See how he just shut the fuck up because he knows he's wrong? Well, no. Actually, Joe just made my point. You weren't listening to him. I don't think there's anything wrong with you going over your notebook, but going into other people's notebooks, then you're sort of... Like, if you decide, like,

hey, I'm Doug Stanhope, and I want to bring out my notebook and tell you how fucking terrible my 1993 jokes were... Oh, Owen Benjamin goes into other people's notebooks? No, Owen Smith. Not Owen Benjamin. Owen Benjamin's upstate New York.

Owen Smith, L.A., hilarious comedian. He goes into yours. I had to bring out my shit. I brought out some shit from 1990. I had some, like, shit. I brought out some shit from 1990. I had some 1991 notebooks. They were terrible. I had orchestrated crowd work. Then you ask the crowd this,

and they're like, yeah, we like fucking girls. It was brutal. It was so scorching. Oh, I want to be on that show. Since I created it, but my creator didn't let me create. Feeding the flowers.

Owen Smith, good on you for doing it first. How long ago did you guys come up with the idea? When everyone else was coming up with other things. I did it about a year ago. A set list in the last three years. Yeah, I did his thing within a year. And he already had it. He'd already been filming it.

I am not... Hey, comedy police that are civilians listening don't have to don't i'm not saying he stole my idea i'm saying that don't defend yourself no it's the who it's the listeners that think they are the comedy police don't talk to dummies just let them be dummies hate it hey i was doing your book Hey, so-and-so was doing your... I saw so-and-so did your bit. He was talking about porn, and you talk about porn. You fucking shut up. Let us police ourselves, please.

I was going to register the bit, but I had to patch the tires for a road trip. You're going so Irish, which is better, because he hates the Irish. I was about to. I was about to. I was about to. Are we closing this podcast because I'm saving a piss? Either I'm going to piss. Let's let it go. And let's slide that book over here.

Oh, hang on. Also, someone's going to do official work. First of all, what's important is diversity. We'd like to have more diversity in this room. Diversity. Diversity. Diversity is what we're looking for. We need more women on the podcast.

Say the tour. Go ahead, say the tour. Doug Stanhope, Australia, April 2018. He's going down under, but does he know that the world is flat and it'll never get there? It's impossible. So is that me heckling myself?

Yeah, you're heckling yourself. Okay, Doug Stanhope, Australia in April. He's going to be in Adelaide, Brisbane, Canberra, Melbourne, Perth, Sydney, and also we'll be... Oh, don't tickle me. When you come to the end of the rainbow,

there'll be a bucket of gold for you, lad. You're so Irish-ing him and it makes him even snappier. Also, we're doing the Far East before that. We're also doing Hong Kong, Singapore, Ho Chi Minh City. Please don't be racist. I can't have this on my podcast. Ho Chi Minh.

God. He's still a guy. I think he's still over there. Yeah. I think he does karaoke or something. I don't know. So, DougSanhope.com? Yeah.

Yeah. Just go there. Buy the book. Here's the book, ladies and gentlemen. I really need the money. This is not fame. One of my all-time favorite humans, Douglas Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Hennigan, you know we love you.

Thank you. We fuck with you because you tolerate it. Uh-huh. You gotta fight back. Oh, yeah. Okay? You can't keep taking this from us. This is not right.

It makes me feel bad. We go after you and we team up on you. And I'm like, please fire back, Mr. Oh, yeah. Okay? You can't keep taking this from us. This is not right. It makes me feel bad. We go after you and we team up on you. And I'm like, please fire back, Mr. Heineken. Somewhere a storm is brewing. Your new nickname is Hennessy, though. Accept it. Accept it. We need to get you a scepter.

Everywhere you go, some Kvasie, perhaps. It's better than Shenanigan or Heineken, which everyone thinks is hilarious. Brian Shenanigans. I like that even better. That's like the verbal equivalent of the Hawaiian shirt. You just gave us two we have to choose from. Brian Shenanigans or Brian Heineken. No, he said his two he hates worse, so now we have to choose from the two he hates.

I like Hennessy because it makes him uncomfortable because it's associated with African Americans. What? So I like that better. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I'm from another land. We don't have that.

Oh, I plead ignorance. I didn't know nothing about your koovasi, eh? Woo-hoo. What? Mad Dog 2020. Purple drank. I thought that was a good dog with bad vision. Drank is past tense.

What's this purple drank? Wait, wait. I happen to like Mickey's, as you know. Do you drink orange soda and eat fried chicken around black people or no? I beg your pardon? He doesn't. He's never around black people. We cloister him.

Is that a word? Doug Stanhope. I got a P. Dude, come. Doug, this is running away. Hey, I apologize. Is it available right now? I told you via text I was going to wear my brown print.

Yeah. And I came in my pajamas. I'm sorry. I came in my. It looks very comfortable. I didn't dress up. I like comfort. This is not fame by Douglas Stanhope.

Forward by Drew Prinsky, MD. Dr. Drew wrote the forward. Yeah. All right. All right. It's a great forward. Was Dr. Phil wrote the foreword. Yeah. All right. All right, all right. And it's a great foreword. Was Dr. Phil busy?

Ha! Mr. Hennessy! Always good to see you, my brother. Thank you very much. Thank you for being here. Always great to be here. You know we love you, right? No.

Okay. And this is a very impressive facility. Thank you, sir. All right, folks. We'll be back tomorrow with the great and powerful Chris Stapleton, one of my favorite musicians. Tomorrow. Oh.

Wow.