The Joe Rogan Experience - #105 - Bryan Callen (Part 1)

Episode Date: May 9, 2011

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

Joe Rogan Experience Brian Callen, my friend Good to be here, good to be here My friend who at one point in time stopped doing stand-up Boy, I remember that The dark days, the dark days of hanging out with actors It was a long time, too. It was about seven years, right?

Oh, those motherfuckers. They got you. They got you with all their stupid silliness. But he's in character. Hold on. They got you. You started wanting to be like them. You wanted to be accepted.

You wanted to be cool. I want to make believe for a living. Yeah, man. I just want to be down. That's it. Before we even get started, ladies and gentlemen, we're at Cobb's Comedy Club this weekend. It's me, Tom Segura, and Sam Tripoli. If you've never seen Tom or Sam, they're both fucking awesome.

Funny dudes. Some of the funniest guys working today, and I have my Cobb's Comedy Club mug here, my 25th anniversary. If you've never been, if you're a San Francisco person, or anywhere in the northwest of, what is it, northwest California? Whatever. Northern California. It's a fucking great club. It's a real

club where they really, Tom, the guy who runs it, really honors the art of stand-up. He really loves it. There's a few clubs like that. You know, there's Wendy in Denver. There's a few all throughout the country where the owner, the person who runs it, really loves stand-up. Yeah.

And that's one of them. It's always great. Yeah. Instead of being this corporate sort of, you know. Fuck yeah. Well, you know what? I've got to tell you. You know, people will complain about the improvs i never i think they're great they are you know what i love because they keep they keep it's clean they

take care of everything it's run really well it's it's pretty cool yeah what do you point at bro what's the matter oh is that me yeah oh i thought it was on um um yeah you know the thing is they guarantee you a good show it's guaranteed they're going to be taking care of the room. They're going to be making sure there's no hecklers. The waitresses will all be well trained. The DJ will all be on point. It's all the same experience. It's just a little bit of different staff.

Different staff in Kentucky. It's like they put emphasis on the fact that if you come here and pay a premium, you're going to laugh your ass off for two hours. They're going to do a good job. They know what the fuck they're doing. And there's a lot of them. But it's one of those good chains. People go, oh, puts out mom and pop clubs.

Does it? Is it really? Has it ever put out one? And even if it does, maybe those mom and pop ones sucked. Right. Well, then can they compete? That's the question. Well, the problem is I do hear that they do this, where they tell you you can't work the other club well i i'm a member i'm they levity represents me right and i love

them they financed my one hour just recently they take so levity is the people but they own but robert harman robert harman owns a lot of money he's a personal friend and i'm going to tell you something right now i'm not saying just because i'm on a podcast that guy's a great guy he's a great guy he loves comedy he's very competitive-wise. I don't mind that, but I think at the end of the day, those guys are, I would have said that they only let you

do the improvs. The fact is, I have a different booking agent now who's fantastic, Justin Edberg over at Super Entertainment. I get to do any club I want,

and he books me out anywhere I want. So if you're with them, You don't have any pressure to only do the improvs? I didn't know that I had, when I was at Gersh, Gersh had some secret deal with the improv. They're always going to have a secret. Exactly. It was really creepy because other clubs would tell me like a few of them would say, Hey, I've been trying to book you forever and I could never

book you. And I'd be like, really? I, you know, I never heard any of this. I never got any of the deals like Nashville. I never did Nashville when I was with Gersh. There's a lot of clubs that they just would ignore me. Yeah, because they have a relationship. They develop and they cherish those relationships because they can get more bang for their buck. It's always going to happen. But what I did is, that's why you separate the powers.

That's why you get a booking agent who's going to make his own money on you in his own way. Isn't it sort of, there's a fucking dance, man, between big business, which you can't have a fucking society like this without a big business. And it extends from comedy clubs into pretty much anything.

Let me give you an example of why that's good and why it's bad. Let's take, for example, have you noticed that when you travel the country, there aren't a lot of restaurants that are locally owned? So you don't see a lot of mom and pop restaurants with character.

A lot of times you go into a place and you've got Hooters. Applebee's. Applebee's. You've got Applebee's. Now, why? Right. What happened? I don't want to eat that kind of food personally.

I don't really like that kind of food. I'd rather have something with character. It's one of the reasons I live, you know, like what I like about New York or even Venice. You're so bohemian. I'm very bohemian. But it's individual expression. And, you know, people come from Venice and they cook their own kind of food. I like that.

I appreciate that, too. There's something about that that's fun. Absolutely. But what's happened, I think, is that we have a very litigious society, as you know, right? So if you open... For people who are stupid, that means people like to sue people. They like to sue you. Sorry for you young kids.

I'm just really... I'm really bombastic. That means I use big words. You'll sling those words around. That's right. Paximation, paximation. Yeah. So is it good?

Is it bad? So if you open a restaurant and somebody gets food poisoning and they sue you, a lot of times you better have really good insurance because keeping up with those medical bills, if two people get, you know, four people get E. coli or whatever it might be and you have a local restaurant, we'll see you later. The reason that a lot of these restaurants take a chance of opening up, it's very hard to make a restaurant work anyway. The reason you open a restaurant if you're P.F. Chang

is you've got deep pockets and you become a corporation. You can withstand any kind of bullshit you deal with when it comes to lawsuits, food poisoning, or whatever. Are they franchises? Are they all protected under the same umbrella financially and legally? Both, actually. The mother corporation will create these subsidiaries so that if they do get sued, they can't actually yeah the mother corporation that will will create these subsidiaries so that if they do get sued they can't come after the mother corporation right

so that's kind of how it works but they got deep pockets financing everything i do appreciate the mom and pop aspect of it but you know also when you're in a town you like to go to best buy and you know if you need a fucking laptop it's a price it's everything has a price you want walmart it brings tvs down to 26 but but you're going to pay a price in some ways. And how is that? One example is Main Street used to spring up organically in the American city, right? You had Main Street and you had a bunch of little shops. And those shops were passed down generation to generation. Everybody knew each other. There's something very charming and wonderful about that. But guess what? That costs money. It is not as efficient as, say, Target on one side, Walmart on the other. But you pay a price in another way, in my opinion. Anonymity, you're surrounded by beige walls, you have no connection to a continuum. You tell me the difference between Kansas City a lot of times

and Columbia, Missouri when you walk down the street. We're becoming a very generic-looking place, and the experience is generic. You want to go shopping? You go to an outdoor mall or an indoor mall, depending on the weather, and you're going to find the same exact stores everywhere you go.

Sure, you can get anything you want, but at what price? It's a little bit like you buy food for texture and not taste, in my opinion. You want real taste in food? It takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of time in the kitchen to prepare. Some people don't care about that. Speaking of a lot of food, I love that show No Reservations. One of my favorite shows. We talk about it on the podcast

all the time. And one of the things he did was he went to New York City and he went to all the really, really old places where they own the building. And it's a family. He went to this Italian owned restaurant slash deli. God, I wish I remembered the name because I have it saved on the DVR. It's so good. That show is the best show on television. Is that Anthony Bourdain?

That's Anthony Bourdain. It's the best show on television. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's consistently excellent. He's on point. I love the way the guy thinks, the way he really loves. He went to South Boston

and did this awesome episode on South Boston. The way he fucking loves a like he went to South Boston to this awesome episode on South Boston. And the way he fucking loves like a town, like a real town, which South Boston is. And he went to these places in New York and this one Italian bakery, or it's like a deli, but not a bakery. It's got everything. It's like all these canned meats and like meats hanging from, like dried meats and cheese hanging from the ceiling and shit. And the guy who's running it had been working there since he was a baby and he was in his eighties. He was old as fuck. His whole family had been there.

You can't buy that kind of stuff. You can't buy it. That, that, that, that is what we're losing in this country. That is exactly what I'm talking about. But the thing is, they, they, the only way they could do this is if one, they're stubborn old Italians, which is, this is a family business. They're not getting rid of the family. Why would we get rid of the family business? Right.

They're doing that, and they own the building. They've owned the building forever. So that's the only reason why these exist. And it's a fascinating thing to watch, and the fucking food looks so good. They had spaghetti with meatballs. Oh, my God. I wanted to go make the spaghetti with meatballs.

I know. I was like, do I have ground beef in the house? Do I have breadcrumbs? What the fuck can I do where I am? You walk into a store like that, and you smell. You smell 80 years of food. It's hard to explain. You know, and if someone lives in Columbus, Ohio, right?

Like where you're from, that's mall city, right? Isn't it? Well, there's definitely a lot of malls, but you also have like a lot of Amish people. So you have like the Amish restaurants and you do have like a different kind. You know the Amish. They can really cook up a pie. They know how to fuck too. That's right.

Like rabbits with beards, ladies and gentlemen. Rabbits with beards. The weirdest thing about the Amish, did you ever see that documentary where they, what's that thing they do called rum skeller or something like that? Yeah. I guess when they graduate from high school, they're allowed to go nutty. They're allowed to go nutty and then one time in their life. Which means they get to dance.

Yeah. They get to dance to rock and roll. They get to party. They go crazy. They go off, they party, they fuck, they go nutty And then they basically hit like Spiritual emptiness Like the full bore, like all at once

Crash out What most of America suffers from every single fucking day Crash out in a meth and cocaine haze And then they go, I'm going back to the church where everyone loves me They're really literally completely Unprepared, if you grow up in the Amish Community and you know it's a very different kind of life. It's very weird. It's also a life that connects you to, to a community and a very strong community with history. And also I think it's really easy.

It's a lot easier in some ways to grow up that way because you're, you're, you're given a, there's your boundaries and the way to behave and the blueprint for how to live your life is laid out for you. A lot of times we grow up in this country with no blueprint. You got to kind of make it up as you go along. But it's a funny blueprint. You must dress like Johnny Cash and not use electricity. What the fuck kind of blueprint is that, man? It's true.

That's a weird blueprint, man. They smell too, man. As a kid. Whoa. Hey, Brian. This is a generalization here, brother. Are we going to be racist against the Amish? This is where I draw the line.

We had field trips to the zoo and to the amusement parks, and they would go by buses. And that's one thing as a child growing up, you were like, who are these weird people dressed weird that smell like shit? Smells like dough and hard work. What the hell is going on here? And they were also busted a lot for having raves and stuff all the time in Columbus. Yeah, like where they would catch a bunch of Amish people in a barn somewhere with a bunch of ecstasy. They're not all this innocent.

Well, that's probably the rumpskiller, or whatever it's called. God, I would have to find the name of that because it's driving me nuts. Rumpskiller. I mean, that's the thing. You can grow up a certain way, but once you put an idea in somebody's head,

hey, this feels really good. It's really rumpspringer. That's what it's called. It's very difficult to stop human nature. And human nature, when you push in one direction, they pull in another. I see it with my daughter. I see it with a three-year-old. It's fascinating watching a little human being develop.

And one of the things, you know, and you have a daughter the same age, you'll know what I'm talking about. Like, you can see where when you tell them not to do things, they want automatically to do it. It's so ingrained. It's not something that you teach a baby. It's already in there. There's a contrarian streak in a human being. It's why any time you see any government experiment in history, in any society, where it's a monarchy, an oligarchy, you know, whether it's a collectivist sort of nature, we're all going to behave this way, and these are the rules.

People rebel. It never really works. It has to. That's a part of what is made a human being a human being. It's encoded into our genetics, unquestionably. And it's the reason why Catholic girls are whores. It's so simple. When I was in high school, all the Catholic girls were sluts. We all knew it. And we would joke about it. She's in Catholic school. Oh, shit. We would go,

fuck, she's in Catholic school? You knew that when you got that bitch alone and stuck a finger in her, she was going to go crazy. She was going to grab your dick like it was a rope hanging over a canyon and she fell out of an airplane and just caught it before sudden death. Like fuckinglvester stallone and cliffhanger she's gonna milk that

dick oh like it's the sweetest elixir i had a girl a girl was telling me about her relationship with the lord she could use oh nice we had an argument which was fun and uh and you had an argument yeah and i quickly realized it was you know she didn't have a whole lot to base this on it was just kind of she had gone through some kind of a crisis and then latched on to the lord i banged her in her car two hours later two hours later in i'm sorry in my car i never forgot that she's like oh i can't believe it uh yeah i know i know i can't believe i'm doing this i can't either but we have a connection we connected that's why all the religious girls are i mean all the whores back in high school now are religious, if you notice. Like, you know, they all have kids.

I used to be so douchey. I have an ultimate confession to make. Whenever the subject of religion would come up, I was that guy. I would be so douchey where I'd be like insulting to you if you believe something silly. I would be not just dismissive but insulting. It's such a stuff because no one's doing anything bad to me, but what it is is that there's something about you, especially when I was young, when I was like 18, I was really considering religion at one point in time. I was very lost. I was going to join the army. Uh, I was doing Taekwondo and I heard the

army had a big, uh, Taekwondo team. There's this kid named Clayton, I think Clayton Barber, the, that might not be his name, but he was a high level Taekwondo guy that fought for the army. And I was like, wow, they pay for him to fight. All he has to do is like they give him some cushy office job and then he gets to train all the time. So I was thinking about that. And I was terrified of religion. I was terrified. Like whenever I'd fight someone and I knew that they were Christian, I would get really nervous. Because they had, they had sort of, they believed and they had a sort of inner strength. I thought, what if they were right? What if there's a God? What if the God's looking out for them?

That's interesting. You know, I really would think that. Like, I remember one time this guy, he was sitting on the sidelines on one knee reading the fucking Bible before we fought. Wow. And I was like, put that book away, you fuck. Put that book away. Like, he was going to use some incantations on me.

Holy Ghost power! I was nervous, man. I got nervous. But you know what that does? I think with the power of any kind of religion or anything, anytime you try to go beyond that which you can measure, I think a lot of belief has to do with less to do with superstition and more to do. It's kind of the same thing.

It has to do with inspiration. So the same way you listen to a piece of music to get you pumped to go do something, I think people can derive the same kind of strength and inspiration from Scripture. Sure. I know they do. I have a good friend, and I'm not going to talk about him, but he's very religious and, you know, a lot of people would be shocked, but he's a pretty strict Catholic and he's a good friend. I just let him do his thing, man. You know, it's on him, you know, that's what, that would keeps him happy. But when I was young, I was so douchey about it. And really it was somehow or another,

it was because I was insecure that A, maybe they were right, or B, when I was really young. But then I started reading religious history and go, oh, wait a minute. Oh, this is craziness. Oh, I didn't know. I'm still fascinated, though. But what fascinates me is I read a whole thing on the origins of Christianity. It's pretty interesting. But I came to sort of the same conclusion.

I went, if you really look at how much Christ actually said, you can put it on a 4x4 card. Not a lot. And then you had all these followers. Paul, for example, whenever you met him and had this conversion on the road to Damascus and wrote all these letters, the question becomes, why, though, did those ideas last 2,000 years and a lot of ideas didn't? That's what always fascinates me. Because we killed the most people. It's that simple.

The Christians killed the most people. It literally is that. Actually, I don't agree with that because you could say the same thing about fascism. Dude, believe me. And the Nazis killed a lot of people. No. Listen, if the Muslims had kicked the ass that the Christians did, we would all be learning that Muhammad was the thing. And we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas.

We'd be celebrating some walk around the big box. No, but I do think that there is a resilience to things like love thy enemy and forgiveness. I know. That is true, Brian. But you have to understand that all of this stuff is rehashed old shit. I don't have to tell you that. And the reason why we are immersed in Christianity is because this epoch, this world that we're living in, we're dealing with a very small amount of time. It seems like an enormous amount of time for us.

But the amount of time that the Christian religion has dominated the earth is not the same amount of time that back when the Romans were dominating shit or the Greeks were dominating shit. They had a couple thousand years on us. We've only been around for a couple hundred years, or this country. And the world, the world of Christianity, it's 2,000 years? But let me ask you a question. How much do you think, how, it seems like human beings always have this sort of need for, to impose their own forms of self-restriction.

Yes. And, you know, and discipline and things like that. I think it's an operating system. Do you think that's a part of our human nature? Do you think that's a natural function of our being? I think it's very simple. I think that we are evolving. We are in an adolescent stage of evolution.

And we are something that's in the middle. We are not quite animal. We know that we are animal. We know we interact with animals. We know we have feelings for animals, but we also know that they're not us. We know we're something different. Even from monkeys, there's a reason why you're allowed to keep monkeys in the zoo, but you can't have a slave. It's because we make some sort of a distinction that we are something different from them. And people say, well, that's stupid. We're not. That's wrong. You know, animals have rights. Honestly, they don't. Here's the deal. If it wasn't for us being so super smart, they'd all have eaten us. It's really that simple. There's some crazy, weird survival thing going on. And the only way to truly be happy is you have to be on whatever team your race is. If you're a dog and you're ratting out all these other dogs, and then the people run around and club the dogs to death

in front of you, you'll be a shitty dog. You'll feel terrible. So you don't get in trouble. Joe Rogan is not talking about racist and white, black, or he's talking about human race here. Yes. I'm talking about, I'm talking about animals over other species. I'm talking about the human race as a whole. We are in some weird thing where we're not quite an animal anymore. We're an animal, but we're self-aware. We need food. We need animal protein. We need vegetable protein. We need water. We need all the things that a regular biological unit needs to keep itself alive. But we also have some weird awareness. So then evolution for you is not just biological. It's not just mathematics and biology. We're also evolving from a consciousness point of view. Sure.

Biologists would argue with you over the semantics, over the word evolution, saying that evolution only pertains to a biological thing, that you don't have evolution of culture. You have advancement of culture, and you have advanced levels of complexity, but it's not technically evolution. But we all know what the word evolution means, and it's a better word for it. I don't mind using it there. I have them think societies and even the world as a whole, it develops their own sort of sense of self-awareness. We are very aware of what the pitfalls of how you fall into things like

genocide. I do think the world is less brutal as a whole today than it was a long time ago. Way more. It's hard for us to understand. I always try to relate this to people when we talk about the, you know, like people like, I've had so many conversations, like, you know, Alex Jones is a good friend of mine, and Alex Jones will tell you

that right now the CIA, the end up, he's so doom and gloom. Yeah. You know, I have some people that I know that I'm friends with that are so, so this is the end of the world.

You've got to look at it this way, bro. The apocalypse is here, but not here. Okay. It's on the earth in certain spots. It always has been. It's just back then when you described the apocalypse and the plague, well, yeah, there was a plague in Northern Africa, but guess where there wasn't a plague? In fucking China. At the same time in China, they were chilling, they were banging, making more Chinese people. They were, you know, they were playing fucking games. At the same time in China, they were chilling, they were banging, making more Chinese people. They were, you know, they were playing fucking games. It's, you have access right now to too much information

for our puny brains. And that's where religion and any sort of a predetermined pattern or behavior that you can follow as an operating system, whether it's being an Amish person or anything, that's why they come in handy

because things so squirrely, things are so crazy. You look, the fucking, the meltdown in Japan and fucking Mississippi's underwater. And you, the fucking tornadoes that go through Alabama and birds are falling from the sky. It never ends. By the way.

If you're looking for shitty things, you can find them all day. And I'll tell you something. For any of the young people that are listening, if you think it's worse today, pick up any piece of literature or history. Just take a look. Like, take a look at Lincoln's life. And you'll find that back then, let's just take Lincoln look like take a look at lincoln's life and you'll find that back then let's just take lincoln's era okay civil war first of all you always lost two or three of your children to all kinds of diseases for example diphtheria when was the last time who

do you know whoever died of whooping cough diphtheria tetanus smallpox these diseases would roll through in epidemics and it wasn't like the flu where you got a cold you died slowly and horribly and it was usually your child under a tent that you couldn't touch so if anybody and tuberculosis tuberculosis when you got consumption which is another word for tuberculosis and it's just any time you read any kind of any piece of literature history from even 50 years ago it it is always a story about somebody, Eugene O'Neill, Nobel Prize winning playwright. His brother got tuberculosis and he had to watch him die. And Long Day's Journey into Night is about that. There was nothing you could do, man.

You know what they do? Go up to the mountains and breathe the air to see if it helps your lungs. Otherwise, you fucking died. And that was one disease of count. Look at polio 60 years ago, 50 years ago, when kids were on iron lungs. And the best case scenario, your child is four, he'll never walk again. That was the best case scenario. But usually you just died because your lungs didn't hold up. And we've invented that. That's that's the fundamental difference. Nobody that's listening right now, I guarantee knows anybody who has even been crippled by something like polio, now, I guarantee, knows anybody who has even been crippled by something like polio, scarred by something like smallpox. So the world in a lot of ways, we're feeding in the 70s, in the 70s, and especially in the 60s, China and India, half the world's population was starving, man.

They couldn't even, they had to import grain. Now India is a huge grain exporter. So because of the Green Revolution, because of what's that guy's name? One man who came up with ways to make grains and things more resistant to drought and things like that. Our advancements, our technological advancements have pushed us so far beyond our biology, it's not even funny. However, you're right. It's so overwhelming and moving so quickly that people feel like since they can't understand it, they have to come up with some kind of a debunking mechanism or something they can understand or at least something they can hold on to. And that's where religion plays a huge part. I don't think religion, I don't think technology is actually ushering in a a another wave and that is a wave of very religious people who have who don't know how to put this technology technological wave into context tissue regeneration all the stuff we talk about it's also that you're

you're able to contact many people you can get groups you can get very selective on the internet too you can choose just to hang out in one or two sort of forums and you can just think the way they think nick nick uh swarson does such a funny joke about that you ever see his joke about this he does a new joke he's like you know back before the internet if you had a fetish man it was just really hard to find like you know a group or just anybody you could get it you'd have to go out to dinner and be like i'll be right back i'm gonna go the bathroom. Unless you want me to piss on your face. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Yeah, yeah, take a chance.

That's hilarious because it's true. It's true. You'd have to feel it out and shit. There's so many weird groups that we're finding out about from doing this podcasting. You have to talk to porn stars. You have to. They hold you down.

It's great. And sometimes you get in conversations. You find out things like cream pies and, you know, and foot jobs and all these different like really creepy things that are just totally standard. They're standard now. You know, it used to be hard to find. When I was 14 years old, we always used to find porn in the woods. And everyone shares this story. By the way, all over the country.

I grew up in Boston. I've talked to friends that grew up in L.A. I've talked to a friend. You found porn in the woods. We all used to find magazines in the woods. And I remember I will remember this. This is the very day that the darkness, the dark side of sexuality was revealed to me. Because normally when you find these magazines, you'd find like Time magazine, you know, and then there would be like a playboy inside of it.

Someone would be naughty. You know what I mean mean like if you would find one over someone's house but if you find them in the woods you know like i never bought a magazine until i was like 20 you always found them over someone's house or you stole it from your dad's bathroom or something but the magazines that you would get from your dad were like penthouse if you were lucky right they go gynecological more they show the pussy not cheese spot and stuff but when i was in the woods you'd find like hustler and cherry and yes screw and it i i've stumbled upon this one magazine it was me and my friends and i'll never forget this because my friend juan my friend juan alvarado he uh he was the first one to talk and we're all

sitting around looking at this magazine and we peel through it page by page for like five minutes and he finally goes dude I think this magazine is all dicks and feet it was the whole magazine was dicks and feet and I remember this because also

it was the first time my friend Josh, who was the next one to speak, it was the first time I ever heard someone say, what the fuck, in a way that I knew they didn't really want an answer. You know, when you say, what the fuck, occasionally you say, what the fuck, like you come home, there's water everywhere.

What the fuck? But sometimes you'll say, what the fuck, where it's like, what the fuck? And you don't really want an answer,'s like it's a what the fuck what the fuck you don't really want an answer man there's no way you can have an answer there's certain times when you say what the fuck where if you were expecting an answer you asked the wrong question you know and this is one of them this this fucking magazine this wet magazine that we found under a log right it's always they're always damp the pages are together, and it was all dicks and feet. It was so weird. It was all white

guys. You could never find a black dick. If you were looking for some black dick back in the day, it was very difficult, right? I didn't see a black dick until the internet came along, and then I was like, wow, they really are bigger. But back then, man, you never saw a black dick. That shit was a rumor, or you wrestled and you saw them in the locker room.

You know? Every now and then, you'd be like, God damn. What the fuck is that? But back then, the porn now? Porn, every girl, you're not worth your salt unless you get fucking gang banged by a couple of black guys. That separates the girls from the women. That separates the pros. That separates the real sluts. The real girls who go in there and there's three fucking giant juiced up football player black dudes with logs in their pants.

And they're going to fuck every hole and you're going to pretend you love it or do love it. Either way. I hope you love it. Go for it. It's good for my masturbation material. I can feel bad and get off at the same time. You can't stop sluts. You just got to be nice to them.

God bless them. I think sluts are, just like every other component in this society, inevitable. You know, and porn stars and comedians and everything. It's almost like this society has a piece in place to counteract every other piece that moves along with it. Well, being a slut in this society comes, if you're hot enough, comes with a certain amount of power and cachet and, by the way, salary. And hate. Forget about that. What about the hate you get

from the other women they know you're you're not playing by their rules oh yeah when you just go back there and fuck them on the first day what it is is they're just tapping into our base evolutionary side the chimp side the chimpanzee in us you know yeah it's just total genetic thing you don't want to be around that girl because you know that girl there's a place for that i mean well it's there i i often think that it's there for the same reason religion's there. All this controlling behavior is because we ultimately have this weird sort of a group goal. And the weird group goal is the progression of technology. The weird group goal is the progression.

And I say that, and people say, well, no, it's not just about technology. It's about social engineering. It's about lifestyle. Yeah, but what's at the front? What's at the front of the's at the front of the line? The front of the line is what's the latest, greatest shit we're inventing. How much does the culture evolve? We still have most of the same fucking stupid laws in place

that were in place in the 60s and 70s. Pot is still illegal, okay? The culture is still wonked out of their mind. The culture is still really fucking weird. But technology is in another place. The evolution of technology is a thousand times faster. Well, you know what it does?

Technology, for example, and porn, for example, it gives you exactly what you want right now in every technicolor detail. And there was an article I read by this, I can't remember her name, this woman.

Slutty McFuckstick? Yes. No, this woman who said that they're finding this interesting phenomenon with teenage boys. And that is that these kids now have access to RedTube and they're finding this interesting phenomenon with teenage boys and that is that these kids are now

have access to RedTube and they're watching porn starting at 10, 9 and they're getting exactly what they want here's the problem when you and I when you and I

saw a naked girl right when we met we didn't have the internet when you saw tits and you saw an ass you were just like holy shit I wasn't worried about lines

I wasn't worried about shaving I was just like look at the just the smell of her I was like she could have a hoof and a horn I'm fucking her I wasn't worried about lines. I wasn't worried about shaving. I was just like, look at the, just the smell of her. I was like, I don't give a fuck. She could have a hoof and a horn. I'm fucking her. I don't care, dude. I'm this far.

Now what they're finding is boys are, they're so used to seeing perfection and exactly what they want that they'll see a girl and they'll be like, ah, she's got a dent there. I don't like that. Fuck it. I'm bored. On to the next. And these kids are going from girl to girl to girl to girl. And girls are having to rise to that occasion and become sluttier and sluttier to hold a boy's interest.

And they've done a lot of really interesting social studies on it. And you know what it's causing? It's causing boredom. It's causing sexual boredom among, this is what their article says. Among the weak. Well, yeah. Everybody else is just getting more butt sex. Or addictions, or weird addictions.

Yeah, they are weird. And sexuality can very well be... Anything where you think about it too much can be an addiction. Because you're chasing a sensation. Yeah, whether it's good or bad. You know, look, I've been addicted to a lot of fucking things in my life. I've never been addicted to a drug, but I've been addicted to a lot of fucking things in my life.

And there was a guy... There was one of the clearest forms of sexual addiction. There was this guy that was in a wheelchair. And he was a nice guy. And he used to play in this pool league that i played in we played this um this weekly tournament and he was always there and he had to play in a wheelchair and he was you know it's fucking hard man it's hard going around in life where you can't move your legs so he started talking to me about prostitutes that he gets a lot of prostitutes i'm like all right yeah it's good this guy gets some

prostitutes probably you know guys got a lot of fucking pent-up sexual pressure, and I hope they don't take advantage of him, right? Then he starts talking, like, about how he gets really upset if their feet aren't perfect. He got, like, really weird. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Here's a guy who's an ugly guy. He's ugly. And he's talking about girls. And he wasn't just talking about prostitutes.

But he doesn't like their feet. Their feet have to be perfect. They have to be perfect. She's not taking care of her feet. I get upset. And I'm like, God damn, dude, you should be so. Their feet have to be perfect. They have to be perfect. She's not taking care of her feet. I get upset. And I'm like, God damn, dude, you should be so happy that someone wants to hug you. What do you give a fuck what color her nails are

and her toes, you know, weirdo? Do you know, according to this one book called The Murder Room, that this guy who's a serial killer profile specializes in sadism, and he was, he's, he, do you know about this? It's really interesting.

The Vedok Society, where they get together, like the third Thursday of every month, all these retired profilers and detectives, and they solve cold cases. And the rule is it's got to be an unjust case where a little girl was killed or something. It can't be a drug dealer was knocked off. Right.

But it's usually to deal with serial killers and people got away with it and they think it's a serial killer. And they've solved a lot of crimes. And he said, he basically wrote the helix on the it's a serial killer and they've solved a lot of crimes and he said and he's he's the he basically wrote the helix on on the evolution of a serial killer that the fbi still uses today on profiling and he said that almost all serial killers start with a fetish wow and once you get into the fetish once you get into you know whatever it might be coming on somebody's

feet and then you want to then you want to want to maybe choke them or whatever, you don't go back. You mentally never go back to being normal. Once you start going down the rabbit hole, some people stop. Some people stop. Some people will stop at – they like to stop at whatever might be shitting on your fucking face. This is extreme fetishes. This is not just like I have a fetish for Asians. Well, no.

It's funny though that they start with it. A lot of them will start with rubbing against strangers in buses. That's a huge... Or on trains. So they'll take trains and they'll just rub up against a stranger. Here's another really creepy one. Sometimes they'll find leather coats cut, like just really finely cut with a razor. That's something called picarism, which is where they like to cut your skin.

That shit is a very common thing. That's where... It's fucking... So is where they like to cut your skin. That shit is a very common thing. That's where it's fucking... So they're cutting you like when you're standing in an elevator or something? Well, they'll fantasize about it, you know, and they practice on coats, but they'll do it in a public place because it's dangerous. It's like, you know, they might get caught. Fucking nutty shit, man. It's more weird

shit where the fucking mind is not wired right. What is that? Is that a social thing? Well, there's a lot of new science to suggest that if you are an evil person let's just say you're a serial killer or you're just a killer what what there's a lot of evidence to suggest that you lack the ability not only with the medigula which is the part of the brain that i guess you know deals with compassion and things but you also may also not have the neuron synapses required to actually fire when somebody's being hurt and it causes a sense of disdain or you feel bad about it. So as we learn more about the brain, it may just be that criminals, for the most part,

are brain damaged, are simply brain damaged. So that raises a really important question. If, then, you can prove that someone has a lesion the size of a pinhead on a certain part of their brain that causes them to lack any kind of compassion and, in fact, causes them not to be able to feel at all. And so they have to do crazy shit just to feel. Just to be alive. Right. So what do you do with that person? Kill them. What does that say? Well, shit just to feel. Just to be alive. Right. So what do you do

with that person? What does that say? Well, you can kill them. You can kill them. But I'm talking about as a society, if you see that they are brain damaged. Now, here's another question. Study them and kill them. Okay. Or how about this? What if you have the means to actually fix that lesion on the brain? Depends on what they've done. It does, right? If they've already done something fucked up, you got to kill them. What if i could prove scientifically that they're 100 normal with all the ability to feel compassion you still got to it's still gotta kill them right yeah you gotta kill them well that's yeah you can't have them walking around if that guy killed your sister no could you imagine if you were walking around and some guy killed your sister he's like hey sorry no you said some shit wrong in my brain but it

does raise it does raise questions we're going to be grappling with at another thing about technology as we learn more about the brain and you find that a lot of criminals have an underdeveloped for example medigula i think that's the word is that what the part of the i don't know no brain let's say let's say medigula because let's make up another word it sounds good it sounds it rhymes with look it up on the internet it sounds like a caligula but the point is is that that's fucking interesting to me it is interesting you're of course. All of a sudden, you're actually brain damaged. So you don't have the ability to feel. You don't even fucking know how to process that.

And you haven't since you were born. Right, but where does that come from? Because a huge percentage of these serial killers, it seems, come from some sort of a torturous childhood. Yes, and then some don't. Huge, huge percentage. Some don't, right? But is that some don't bullshit?

Maybe. Because, you know, like Jeffrey Dahmer's parents claimed that they didn't fuck him. You't, right? But is that some don't bullshit? Maybe. Because, you know, like Jeffrey Dahmer's parents claimed that they didn't fuck him. You know, oh, everything is fine. He's pretty normal. Yo, yo, something happened.

There is no question. I don't buy that. But there's no question, though, that a lot of very evil people, let's take Stalin, actually not a good example, let's take, there are a lot of like,

shitty, really terrible dictators. Right, but isn't it a part, the real problem is finding their history? You don't know. God, who the fuck knows, man? I think that you're definitely wounded sometime in a crucial stage of your development, probably. That seems to be another theory I've heard where people say as you're developing, a lot of times,

if you're developing sexually and mentally at a certain age and you see something really horrific and violent um you will you can associate violence with sexual um release there's all kinds of shit like that or as a way of coping with something you can't even put into context you turn it sexual because it's a defensive mechanism that's the thing with a lot of girls that have been raped a lot of girls who've been molested and raped they turn to porn that's exactly right because they relive the trauma. They call it reliving it. Strange. You would think that it would turn them off.

It does. Some people it does. The mystery is that you see people who go through the worst abuse in the world and they come out of it incredible people who give back to society and they're everybody's hero. And then you see somebody where one thing happens. One thing happens at the right time and they're in and out of rehab for the rest of their life. Look at people who make a shitload of money. A lot of their kids, good looking, tall, they're doing all the thing and they spend their whole life battling a drug problem. Whereas one dude comes up in an orphanage and ends up running a company or whatever it might be.

Yeah, but I think it's all really kind of clear. If you look at it in the progression of their lives, what kind of experiences have they had, how they moved towards solving or getting past that experience, and what can you learn from watching them? I mean, if you really wanted to take the crazy point of view, the crazy point of view is that this world is really your imagination and that everything that takes place in this world is really a lesson for you. You can either learn from it or not. You can see the whole thing as some grand play played out for your amusement. And in every weakness, you can learn. And one of the issues that I have with human beings, and like I said, with religion, I get upset at things that

I'm afraid of seeing in myself. I get upset at weakness in people. I get upset at jealousy. I get upset at all the things that I'm terrified of seeing in myself. And it's almost like that plays out for you. It's like these are all, here's your school. This is your path to enlightenment. Here's the world in front of you. This is a shaky roadmap of enlightenment. You said something that always stuck with me.

I never forgot it. And I wasn't that young a guy when you said it. It was actually kind of recent. It was about five years ago. And there was this situation that I'd been. We were at dinner and I fucking freaked out. My girlfriend and I. And you said to me the next day, you go, dude, you've got to become the star of the movie that you live in.

You can't behave that way because that's not what the star of the movie would do. In other words, you make a choice as to how you behave and who you want to be. And that is a series of choices. You can choose to be someone that you would admire. That's exactly fucking right. And that's not easy to do. It takes responsibility.

It takes saying no to a lot of shit. It does, but it's important. In a way, it is easier. You make your fucking choice. And I think you also know exactly, I always find people who act like they're really confused and they'll ask me advice about how to live their life. And I start looking, I'm like, dude, you know exactly what you're supposed to. Yes, but no, it is very confusing if you haven't made steps already. If you're, if you're one of those people that have never ventured into the deep water and you're afraid to jump in, it's fucking scary.

For a lot of people, any sort of change is terrifying. Any movement where, you know, I'm thinking about leaving this job and pursuing my dreams, that's fucking terrifying for a lot of people. It is terrifying

because a lot of times it doesn't work out, but I just... But they haven't done it. If you've done it a bunch of times, like, hey, I already did this, I already did that, I already tried moving here

and sports make a big... Stand-up? I mean, acting? I was listening to Mark Maron, I think he was talking to Greg Fitzsimmons, somebody sent did this, I already did that, I already tried moving here. Sports, stand-up, I mean, acting. I was listening to Mark Maron, I think he was talking to Greg Fitzsimmons, somebody sent me this clip, where Maron was talking about how if he was upset with anything, it was that his parents never instilled a sense of healthy competition in him. For him, it was always, if he's losing the game, he's throwing the board up in the air, and then the fucking game's over, because he couldn't take it, because it was like was like life or death and that's such an important point man and a healthy form of competition and

and by healthy one of the things is you got to lose i was about to say you got to feel that you learn a lot more a lot of times by losing yeah you learn what you do wrong you get motivated you know i i still to this day do a lot of jujitsu and one of the things about jujitsu is you get tapped man you get tapped all the time. I roll with good guys. I get caught, man. It's just, and when you're getting caught, it's a matter of, do I tap out or does my arm break?

Do I tap out or are you going to fuck my neck up? Right. You know, and this is, but by doing that all the time, you get very humble. Absolutely. And you get used to losing and winning and you realize that you're the, the, the good that you do, whether you do good at jiu-jitsu or any other game, one of the reasons why I'm obsessed with games is because there's a direct correlation in my mind between focusing excellence, like focusing my energy and my concentration on something, and then seeing direct results, and then applying those direct results to the rest of my life.

And with some people, they never have any real competition in their life. And because of that, when anything comes up, anything that's big, anything that does require you to rise to the occasion or deal with a social issue, you fucking lock up, man. You freeze up because it's scary. You know, Michael Jordan,

they always say, he holds the statistic for hitting the most last-minute winning shots. Okay? Guess what? He also holds the statistic for the most losing, missing the most game-minute winning shots. Okay? Guess what? He also holds the statistic for the most losing, missing the most game-winning shots. He's also a notorious gambling addict.

Yeah, but that's in a book called Outliers that I thought was really interesting. Yeah, takes a chance. Yeah. He missed more than he made. Now, he's a legend, and he was the greatest basketball player ever, but that took a lot of fucking missing

and a lot of losing. It took a lot of obsession, too. He's a fascinating subject to me. I follow him very closely. Do you? Yes, very closely. Because I'm obsessed with extreme winners. Yeah.

Because I think there's a madness to it. And I truly believe that in order to be truly great at something, you have to give in to a certain amount of madness. And how much can you manage that madness? I don't know. But guess what? If you want to be that guy flying through the fucking air with your tongue out in front of the baddest motherfucking basketball players in the world and kicking shit on a level that they've never seen before,

Dr. J, suck my dick, stupid. Watch this. Watch this. I'm going to fly through the air. How about that? How about I'm going to do some shit that nobody's ever done? I'm going to hit some fucking layups that's going to have all you white bitches scratching your head. Artie Lang used to say, if Michael Jordan had been on the Titanic, it would not have sunk.

He would have been fucking black. He would have just plugged every hole. I am fascinated by ultra bad motherfuckers, but there's a reality to the, there's a madness to them. To all of them. Every single one of them. And Michael Jordan is an extreme one. He lost at pool once, didn't talk to his teammate for three days.

Yeah, you know, I believe it. I believe he's also got a real, real problem with gambling and any sort of games. And I know that, that thing in myself, when I was younger, I had a real problem with it. I'm much, much better now, but when I was younger, I had a real problem with games and he's got it bad, man, with golf. He's got it bad, dude. He loses and he doesn't even pay. He gets mad at people and doesn't pay. He owed some fucking golf hustler a half a million dollars. And the guy wrote a story. I believe it was Esquire. Was it Esquire or GQ? One of those magazines. And there was a big ass story about Michael Jordan and how he's gambling with Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan wouldn't pay him. And Michael Jordan is just

this ultra bad motherfucker who's obsessed with it. He just has to constantly get new pussy. He has to constantly get with it. He just has to constantly get new pussy. He has to constantly get the latest Ferrari. He has to constantly be playing golf and winning money and gambling on basketball games

and gambling on baseball games and gambling on whatever the fuck he can, man. He's just out there riding it. I think a lot of athletes have so much trouble fucking managing.

How about this? Go to factcheck.com. 60%. 60% of NFL football players leave the league in bankruptcy. Dude, did you see that? There was a thing about all the different basketball players and pro athletes. Because I think on factcheck.com, I believe that's the statistic. We can check it out right now.

60% of, would you say? Of NFL football players are bankrupt. I think it's like a year after they've played football or by the time they retire or something crazy. But you see what Norm MacDonald bet on that pack fight the other day? Oh, well, I know a guy who bet $800,000. Are you serious? How about that? I know a guy who bet $800,000 to win $100,000. I'm so glad I don't have that fucking kind of problem. To win $100,000. That was pretty safe, but yet he didn't fight up to... 60%. There it is. Within five years of retirement.

60% of NFL football players within five years of retirement are bankrupt. Think about that. It's because you're just invincible. You're the biggest, strongest, fastest guy in the world, and you've got to get that juice somehow. You've got to buy shit. You've got to just, you know. Well, there was a thing about pro athletes that have lost all their money, and they're guys who like Latrell Sprewell, guys who like you, big names, big names, and they're broke. They owe millions and millions of dollars, you know? And I have this weird thing where I go on hip hop sites

and I look hip hop sites. One of the things that you see nowadays is how many guys are in bankruptcy, like a half of their gossip, you know, everyone's got their own gossip. You know, you go on like baby websites, Celebrity Baby, it looks like they're fighting, and the baby's turned four, but you go on hip-hop websites, and the gossip is overwhelming. This guy's losing his house. If you're a pro athlete, or you're a hip-hop, the first thing you should do in your entourage

is have fucking three accountants following you everywhere. Just hire, go to New York, find a Jewish or Italian accountant, have them fucking follow you around all the time. Well, you know, I ran Barkley. You know who he was, right? Beat Thomas Hearns, former, I think, super middleweight champion. Bad motherfucker. Barkley's a badass. He turned

homeless. He became homeless. Well, he had a major crack problem. Was it a crack problem? Really? I didn't know that. But what they were saying, what he was saying, rather, was he was hanging out with Eddie Murphy and Michael or hanging out with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. And he's like, I had to fucking keep up. You know, so he was, you know, buying a Mercedes and the best watches.

And then that shit runs dry. And, you know, that's like the most transient of jobs or the most temporary of jobs. And by the way, how much how much money to tell you would know better than I would. If you make if you get a 20 million dollar payday, right. and you're a boxer, how much of that money after taxes and jail? There's a lot. How much do you see? There's a lot. There's a lot that's missing.

A lot. The guy that's making the $20 million thinks I have $20 million, but you don't. You've got about six. First of all, yeah, you've got about six, maybe. You might not even have six. You might have four. That's right. Because you have to pay taxes, okay?

So half's gone. Yep. When you're above $250,000, is it? Or is it $400,000? Whatever the fuck it is. There's a certain level that you're above where you're essentially paying 40-something percent in taxes. Yeah, that's $400,000. Yeah, okay.

So there's that. Then you have managers and agents. So I don't know how it is in boxing, but in comedy, for instance, you and I, we have a manager and an agent. The manager takes 15%. The agent takes 10%. There's 25%. Do you have a business manager? Yes.

So there's 30%. So money's gone. Forget it at publicist, too. I don't have one, but I mean, you know. And then, of course, you have property taxes. There's a lot of things you have to pay, and the bills are high. But the amount of money that you actually get is like 34 cents on a dollar or something silly like that. Something ridiculous.

So these guys spend like they actually have 20 million bucks. But that's part of the fun, man. It's part of the fun is watching someone walking around with giant diamond encrusted chains and crazy fucking watches and then a month later finding out that they lost their house. There's something for you

for your own amusement. Joe Rogan knew a comic who had a huge deal He bought a Rolls Royce Six months later he was living in it Yeah who was that? I don't know but Dolph Davidoff knows I can't remember the guy's name Yeah who was that?

That's why I bought a Ford Edge Ford makes some solid fucking cars now Apparently Chrysler's making a big comeback Because of an Emin&M commercial. An M&M commercial about Detroit. Some slick Detroit commercial that they did for the Super Bowl. I drive a Prius and even my fucking girl makes fun of me. Listen, brother.

You only live this one life. Go get yourself an M3. You got some money. Yeah, I used to have a BMW, right? Yeah, yeah. Get yourself. You want to borrow my car for a couple days? It's great, huh?

Drive around in an M3. You got some money, man. I'm not saying you to borrow my car for a couple days? It's great, huh? Drive a running M3. Get some... You got some money, man. I'm not saying you should just blow it and get crazy, but enjoy it. Don't drive a fucking Prius. You're in the hangover, too, son. Damn right, everybody. Have a fucking solid car.

Oh, by the way, I'll be at the Edmonton Comics trip on Wednesday. Wednesday to fucking Sunday, and I will be bringing the heat. Edmonton, Alberta, Canada is the shit. It is. It's a fun fucking place. They have a lot of fightson, Alberta, Canada is the shit. Fun fucking place. They have a lot of fights up there. They have the MFC. They put on big fights up there. And a couple times I've done comedy shows like right before the fights and the fucking

crowds are great. I love Canadians. They get the comedy. They go with you and they're polite and they're just fucking great. They're so awesome. They have a good sense of humor. How was the air quality when you were filming the hangover too? It filming the hangover, too? It's super bad there, right? That place smells.

I don't mean the Thai people are beautiful, wonderful people. But Bangkok and Thailand. Bangkok, just by the nature of the city. And it smells like garlic soup. It smells like a big. That's good. I was on the top of my hotel. And I was like, well, Bangkok smells a lot like fish and garlic and soup. If you mix that together, some people like it.

That's not my thing. Right. They're great people. The Thais are fucking awesome. How long were you there for? The only country never been colonized, by the way. Really? Yeah.

Thailand is the only country. Well, you can make the argument for Vietnam, but they've gone through so many wars fighting for their independence. They're badass people. But the Thais somehow are always able to compromise and find a way to be just in the middle. Think about Indochina in that area and how fucking incredibly volatile it always been. The Chinese were always invading Vietnam. They were, I mean, that whole part was just, life was always hard. Vietnamese are tough fucking people because their history has been a thousand years of keeping people out of their fucking country.

The French, the Chinese, the Americans, they just never gave up. When you look at fucking Thais, somehow, somehow, they were able to just keep everything real kosher. They just played the road. They were like, hey, America, we're your friends, but not really good friends. Hey, Russia, you guys want to fuck our girls? We got great food, beautiful women. The weather's great. Come on in. It's a wild culture, too, you guys are like, fuck our girls. We got great food, beautiful women. The weather's great. Come on in.

It's a wild culture, too, though. Great beaches. Yeah. And they're tough. The Muay Thai fights in Thailand really are like those old Van Damme movies. Dude, they're badass people, man. Where they're all standing around waving cash in the air and gambling. They're tough.

They're no joke. But they're really good at being communal. I think at the root of Thai culture is this notion of being able to compromise and negotiate. And not spoiling, not taking the fucking chessboard thrown in the air. Just let's keep playing. I lost a little bit, but it's not just a battle. It's a war itself. There is no war.

It's a beautiful way of looking at life. They're not too competitive about shit. They have a king still, right? And you can't shit on the king. Well, the king is the one place. Thailand is an incredibly liberal place. And I did a little reading on the culture and stuff, and it's a very liberal place. But the one thing that they never,

they have no sense of humor about is their king. Really? And the reason is because there's a form of superstition. It's what a lot of people, they're very superstitious about their king. Their king is considered to be a form of superstition. It's what a lot of people, they're very superstitious about their king. Their king is considered to be a semi-deity. And they take that shit seriously. And I was there,

I don't know what the holiday was, but it was a time when you were supposed to give alms to the king. And it was a religious ceremony. And they would walk by and all of them would put their hands together. Even people on the street would walk by this golden shrine

and put their hands together and bow. So it might be one of the last cultures on earth that feels that way. About their king. I mean, you know, like North Korea. North Korea is under a dictatorship that's terrifying. The Tibetans have this notion that the Dalai Lama is the first Rinpoche. Right, yeah, because that's a religious thing. Yeah, but this is also a little bit as well.

I think so, very much so. Wow, does the king do shady shit? No, no, the king, from what I understand, his son is a little bit different. His son has fallen a little bit out of favor with the people. He's a playboy and he's a product of just having a lot of money. Oh, shit. But his dad, his dad is, and by the way, I mean, his son was, you don't hear bad things about his son, but his father was always this sort of sober, staid presence.

And he's just having a good time. Not really. He took it, yeah. But even that kid, they take their role as a symbol very, very seriously. And they know how important and how important a symbol they are to sort of, you know, the notion that we are what you should aspire to, which is, you know, being conservative. Like a lot of things about the Thai women, like people think, well, because there are a lot of like strip clubs and there's a big sex trade there that Thai women are loose. Absolutely not. In fact, in Thai culture, women are, it's not like you just go fuck a lot

of people at all. They're very conservative in their own families and as a group of people. I've talked to a lot of Thai people about that and women who are there, who are working and stuff. She's like, it's a huge misconception, the notion that you can just meet a Thai girl and bang her. So it's just the prostitutes are so prevalent.

Yeah, well, because they make it legal. They don't try to control it. And they zone it. There's a red light district where i spent all my time and uh and uh and and they have numbers and it's and you know you can for 19 you can you can pay the bar fine wherever the fuck it is 60 bucks you can bring them back it's all very cheap but you see these like disgusting fat barnacle-ridden German tourists who are 60 with this 15-year-old farm girl from the north of Thailand or Cambodia or Vietnam. Das ist gut.

And it's not a sinful thing in their culture. No, it's almost like I'm going to help this person. It's like I'm going to give them a massage. Yeah, that's so weird. By the way, I think a huge strength of the Thai people also is the notion that there's a lot of power and strength in giving. There's a lot of power and strength in being subservient

and making you feel welcome and have a good time. Dude, I'm fucking moving to Thailand. Yeah. I'm ready. I'll tell you something. If I was an old single dude who just liked to watch kickboxing, I'd fucking move to Thailand if I didn't have any friends. I heard the air quality is so bad that you can't walk around without one of those masks.

Get one of those dope masks, bro. But you don't have to live in Bangkok. No, you live in Phuket. Nice place. It's in Bali. Is Phuket cool? I thought about going there on vacation. I've never been.

There's Tiger Muay Thai there. I'm like, how cool would it be to go on vacation, just train Muay Thai for like a week? It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Just hang out in Thailand. It's probably some of the best scuba diving in the world. Is it safe for tourists and everything? That's the other thing about Thailand. Even Bangkok? It's incredibly safe It's beautiful. Just hang out in Thailand. It's probably some of the best scuba diving in the world. Is it safe?

Yeah. For tourists and everything? That's the other thing about Thailand. Even Bangkok? It's incredibly safe. Even Bangkok? Bangkok, you know, I mean, it's a huge city. I never once heard anybody tell me you shouldn't walk around. I walked around everywhere.

You can go everywhere. You know, all the, Zach and all, Zach Galifianakis. Clearly they had never seen Mad TV. That's exactly right. I got recognized. I had my feet massaged. That's it. That's it. Then I got joked on. No. Two girls, four men. That's exactly right. I got recognized. I had my feet massaged. That's it. That's it.

Then I got jerked off. Two girls, four bands. Dicks and feet. Dicks and feet. I just brought it back. See, full circle. Does anybody want a coconut water? Yeah.

Thank you, C2O, for sending me some cases. I appreciate it. Oh, you're lucky. All right. But you got what? I love coconut water. Two girls, four... Speaking of Thailand... You went silent just to... He stopped talking. He saw the coconut water. Two girls, four. Speaking of Thailand.

You went silent just to... He stopped talking. He saw the coconut water, he stopped talking. Yeah. Um, yeah. I see two old folks. I know, did you notice that? Coconut water, it is the shit.

He throws up. What was the nature of your stay? You were filming the Hangover 2, and for how long were you there? I was there for almost two weeks. I stayed at the Four Seasons, thank you very much. Oh, shit, damn, son. In a huge suite. Like a playa. When you do a movie like that... Were you by yourself? You didn't fly your family out? No, I was just by Four Seasons. Thank you very much. Oh, shazam, son. Like a playa.

Were you by yourself? You didn't fly your family out? Nah, I was just by myself, man. Two weeks, man. That's a long time. Did it freak you out? Yeah, it's a long time. Yeah, it always freaks me out when I'm away, but I don't really like traveling. I did so much of it as a kid that I just, you know, I've had an opportunity to go to South Africa. Well, you lived in the Middle East. Yep, I did.

This is something I wanted to talk to you about because I wanted to know if you remember the place that you were when you heard the news that the prince was wed. That the prince was wed. I can't believe you just said that

because that was probably the highlight of my life and I was sleeping. I'm kidding. I wasn't. Of course I wasn't. This woman said to me. It happened at two in the morning.

This woman said to me, like, I bet you didn't even watch. You didn't even watch the thing just like I go no I did I didn't I didn't watch no I'm straight and I'm a man that's just the way it is I said this woman actually was my mom I'm trying to figure out who said it to me because you ever you know you know how someone says something you go who the fuck said that because it was like in my mind I was like this older woman why am I talking to her she's at a store oh it's my mom my mom was just here sorry I'd love to be the prince I'll tell you if I was a prince and I was a good-looking guy like he was, I wouldn't be getting fucking married.

Yeah, he's got to. I'd just be a fucking dirty bastard. He's got to do what he's got to do, though, you know. But anyway, my mom said, you didn't watch it, did you? I go, no. And she goes, well, these gay folks that live down the street from us, they had a big party. They had a big party for the prince. I go, really?

How awesome is that? She goes, it was hilarious. She goes, they were talking about her dress and her shoes, and they all got excited. They had like 50 people over the house watching the wedding on TV. They got up early. Wow. I love it. Yeah, because it's live.

I love it. It's a different time. God bless. Yeah, they're fucking so crazy. They're like 10 hours ahead of us or something? At least, right? No, eight. Eight hours ahead of us?

You've been following all this Osama shit. Like, oh, Osama grew weed on his farm. He did. He did grow weed, but that's super common in the Middle East. Did you see the video that they released yesterday, I think? They released all these home videos that they found at the compound. They're suspect, because the CIA

has admitted that they were going to make fake news stories. Yeah, but I don't believe that that's fake at all. Okay, but hold on a second. The CIA has admitted several times that they were going to make fake news stories. This was after 9-11, and they said to throw off the terrorists, they were going to make fake news stories. As soon as they start saying, they're letting everybody know, we're going to lie to you. The depths of their lies is only in your imagination. Who the fuck knows?

I mean, when you see him and he's got like his beard is dyed black and then you see other videos of him and his beard is white, I don't buy that. But hold on a second. This is why I don't buy that. It's because there right now will absolutely be an active campaign to discredit him. If they have murdered him, if they did shoot Osama bin Laden and he was unarmed, they will discredit him. And one of the ways they're going to discredit him is to make him look vain and to make him look like he's a crazy dictator who's living in squalor like he's an insane person. So if you show pictures of his house and his house is all fucked up and disarray and there's blood all over the place and there's just garbage everywhere. And then you show pictures of his beard and it's black.

He looks like a nutty man. Do you see the video of him there just watching TV, though? Yeah, but how do you know that's him? That could be anybody. And he's got a white beard in that video, by the way. For anybody who talks about conspiracy and the idea that this might be a fake story, take a look at how the U.S. government works. Take a look at, for example, how these operations work.

Let me tell you something. When you do a major operation like that, you've got SEAL Team 6. First of all, it's got to go through all kinds of civilian channels right away. And they have to be privy to all kinds of information, not to mention the Security Council and everything else. If you take a look at, and I'm talking about the hundred people at least who have top secret clearance, who all have different agendas and have no interest in glorifying Barack Obama at all, a lot of those people, all of them, I mean, the idea that you could ever

pull off this fake assassination of Osama bin Laden after we've been trying to get him for this long, it wouldn't work even in a Hollywood movie. And when you talk about fake stories, what the CIA was doing with those fake stories was they were leaking them. It's true on Al Jazeera and things like that. But mainly what they would do is they want to get information out of you. And you're a young man who believes in your Iman and you got captured. They'll show you a fake headline of the New York Times and they'll say, look what happened. All your guys have been killed and all of them are singing like canaries. They used all kinds of techniques like that.

There's no doubt that you don't want to trust the CIA, but what's wonderful about our government, and this is just a fact, is anytime you try to keep a secret or come up with a huge conspiracy like this, you're dealing with 16 other people who have a totally different agenda who want nothing more than to expose you. And anytime you have a group of people, whether it's Kissinger and Nixon or whoever, who try to come up with their own agenda to steer foreign policy or my god come up with a way to glorify their president which is what this did for the democrats and and i'll tell you something the republicans are going to have no they can no longer use the notion that obama is weak on terrorism for this upcoming election so i can promise you there were plenty of republicans who would have loved to have taken credit for this you you you you'd have to go through it'd be basically impossible i mean you can't and by the way launching a team like SEAL Team 6,

what was interesting about this was it was so risky for the president. That notion. Here's why, if you're young and you don't vote, this is why, forget the platform you're on, whether you're Republican or Democrat. When you vote for a president, make sure that guy has wisdom. Make sure that guy has an intellect and he has wisdom. And here's why. When you're the president of the United States, you have very little power,

but you also have a great deal of power. And this is how it works. They come to you with six different scenarios. And they say, Mr. President, we have a lot of intelligence to suggest that Osama bin Laden, who's been protected by the ISI and whoever it is in Pakistan, he is living in a compound. Now, we could drop, here was one of the options, we could drop 60,000 pounds worth of bombs on that and create a crater and comb the place for DNA and see if it really was him. Or we can send in a crack commando team like SEAL Team 6 and take this guy out. Why is that risky? Well, here's why. A couple reasons.

You're sending in a team. It is a third of a mile or something crazy or three miles less away from a what what what pakistan's west point is this huge military facility they're going to scramble jets which they did and a whole bunch of other things the minute they start hearing gunshots right right in their quarter and by the way there are a lot of people in the military probably know he's already there anyway so we send on our team if Americans die and we fail at this or us the helicopter stalls which it did you were taking you can say goodbye to your fucking your election so you had all those guys in that war room Hillary Clinton and Gates Hillary wasn't there I see the news headline she was

photoshopped out of the picture it's photoshopped around a couple countries photoshopped her that's funny she's a woman but the bottom line is you see all these people, including Obama, sitting there with incredibly tense faces. And he took the weekend to think about whether or not to move in on that. And that's where the responsibility of a president— So you think that the president really gets that kind of a control? I know he does. How do you know he does? Because I read American history.

You didn't hang up her tune. No, no. I don't read any biography from a president. Do you really think that there's one guy that gets to make the call? He has to. That is how our government works. The commander-in-chief makes the final decision when you give him four or five, six, seven scenarios. And by the way, those scenarios come from the Department of Defense, Pentagon, State Department.

They come from your Secretary of State. They come from your CIA director. So literally, there is no military industrial complex. There's one guy that's got his finger at the button and he's able to push all the switches. That's not what I said. What I said is that there's... He gets to make the call. The military industrial complex has so many competing interests as well. Right.

But it is true that there's a lot of profit in war, but there's also a lot of risk in war. I agree with everything you said. I agree with everything you said about the SEAL Team 6, the baddest motherfuckers in the world. These are the guys that, by the way, if you don't know, being a SEAL is incredibly difficult. And they take the best of the SEALs and 50 fucking percent of them wash out because they can't handle what it takes to be in SEAL Team 6. I mean, I've read the Dick Marchenko books and all that.

Dude, they're on another level of human being. They're different. They're on another level of human being. Boss Rutan was telling me how he trains the SEAL Team 6. And there's a record they had for running up and down this hill. Mark Hominick had it. He ran up and down this hill four times. It was a huge hill.

The SEAL Team's guys, they did it 12 times, and Boss had to stop them because he thought they were going to die. Jesus Christ. They're on another level. They're on another level. Different human beings. Yeah, and they're not going to do—they all have different agendas, but the bottom line is the government has lied about a bunch of stories like this in the past.

Except for— Jessica Lynch is a perfect example. Yes. But the bottom line is the government has lied about a bunch of stories like this in the past. Jessica Lynch is a perfect example. There's a woman that was inside of a fucking hospital, and they pretended there was this crazy gunfight to get her out and rescue her from the Iraqis. And what really turned out was it was just a girl in a hospital, and there was no bullet shot at all. To your point, what you just said, let me piggyback onback on that exactly now it would have been in our interest it would have been very much in our interest to say osama bin london had a machine gun and was shooting at us and you know what happened within within hours as the story started unfolding the truth came out you know what that was a woman was in front of him she charged the guy shot her in the leg and obama i mean osama not armed, yet the guy shot him in the head. Now, let me tell you, that's been a question.

And Bang Si-moon, I think, of the Secretary General of the United Nations came out and said, well, you know, there was no trial. That's a bit barbaric. I don't know if that was who said it. But there was a lot of backlash and said the guy was unarmed. Why the fuck didn't you arrest him instead of shoot him? And by the way, when they shot him, they had a picture. The picture had, the reason they haven't released it is because part of his skull got blown away.

Now what they do, which is really interesting. Why don't they just Photoshop that out? Blur that out and release the picture. Put a kitten on it. Brian style. Here's what they did. Here's what they did. When the SEAL team, how about this guy?

He shoots Osama bin Laden in the head. He takes a picture of it. He faxes. He scans and sends that to the office where they're all there all these people are there they get this picture of Osama bin Laden's face how do you know it's his they put it through a facial recognition scan right away which is about it about as they take the geometric proportions where your nose your eyes it's it's like a fingerprint and they go guess what that's a match that's Osama Bin Laden. Then they take

DNA as well. Then they got the body. And you know how many people saw his body? Probably, literally, a hundred. All the SEAL team guys, all those people on that ship that dressed the body, that read the rights, and then dumped him at sea. Which, according to Islamic law, you've got to bury a body 24 hours after

it's been killed. Yeah, but not supposed to be at sea. Doug Stanley had a great point. But the reason they did it at sea is because no country including saudi arabia where he's from would take that body right because then it would be a martyr and to be a shrine and um doug stanhope had a great point he said how come these uh they identified his body within an hour yet it takes these poor fucking guys that are wrongly accused 30 years to get a dna match a DNA match to get out of prison. It's so true. Doug Stanhope is amazing. It's so true.

It's a perfect point. I mean, what the fuck, man? Is it really that important to kill some guy living in squalor? I mean, is it that much more important than rescuing citizens that are wrongly accused? It's a good question, Joe, because it also raises, this assassination raises a fuckload of questions, one of which is, now that we've gotten the big name, do you have a justification for being in Afghanistan? No, you don't.

You never did in the first place. Listen, man, we're in Afghanistan for minerals and probably heroin. That's what we're in Afghanistan for. The Taliban had dropped heroin production down to minuscule levels. Now the United States is over there and we produce shit. More than 90% of the world's heroin in Afghanistan. More than 90% of the world's

heroin is grown. The world is big. The world is big as fuck. And if 90% of the Viagra was grown in one little village, guess what? We would infiltrate that culture. We would find a way to corrupt them and turn them into terrorism. We would have them attack ships or blow things up, and then we'd use that as an excuse to go in and jack their Viagra. That's what we would do, because that's what we've done forever. That's what we would do.

Viagra was, look, dude, hard dick pills are very fucking valuable, right? If they didn't exist... They would kill tigers and get their paws... In Afghanistan, the number one way that they bribe warlords, because if you don't know, the way Afghanistan is structured today in 2011, the reason why it's an unwinnable country and an unwinnable war is because it's not a country. It's a series of warlords that are all kind of interconnected and they all live in these villages. Always has been. Yeah, always has been.

And it's not going to change. The way they get them to rat on the Taliban is they give them Viagra. That's the number one way. Yes. Wow. Yes. They sit them down.

I didn't know that. Yes. The government sits them down and they say, listen, we'll get you guns. I have guns. Get them out of here. We'll give you women. I have 20 wives.

I can't even fuck them. We can help you there. Dude. That's what it is. You know what? I was there for 11 days and one of the things starts the marines you know what you know what's huge in afghanistan fucking boys no well no yeah right isn't it well well well that's at least what the forum said no it's true

no that's true man i have a friend who went over there he caught a guy fucking a boy they all have satellite dishes they have satellite dishes and satellite dishes bring them porn oh nice porn is fucking huge because we're all humans we all want to fucking bang it's funny there was some you know everyone keeps on all these asama stories are coming out and they're saying like people are saying that osama was a huge video gamer that he used to play guitar hero uh and so it's like all these bullshit stories now are coming out he would have his children yeah we see the one guy who said he was a black belt in judo and he had photos of him. I do want to smoke his weed though. I bet he's got some killer crops.

When Osama bin Laden would listen to the news, he'd have his children stand by the TV and when the music part would come off, come on, they would turn it down

because he didn't want to listen to music. It would corrupt him. That's how fucking crazy he was. What a silly fuck. The crazy thing is that he used to work for us

he used to be down with the CIA when we were training the Mujahideen to fight against the Soviets that motherfucker was down in America he never took a paycheck from the CIA but he did he did himself open a lot of hospitals with his own money and things like that during the Mujahideen

when the Soviets were invading and colonizing, trying to colonize Afghanistan. If you were going to have a story that was going to, I mean, again, you know, the view that the world is a theater played out for your own enjoyment. If you were going to have this story come to any conclusion, this is the best conclusion ever. Okay.

Because if this was a fucking movie, all right, if this was the Hulk and the bad guy just died mysteriously and then they dumped him in sea, they'd go, okay. And you'd buckle up and the credits would roll and you'd go, fucking for sure there's going to be a sequel. For sure. That guy's coming back. They dumped him.

And then they're going to show you how he didn't really die. And then they fucking snuck him out the back and shot some other guy in the head and said it was him. Even the assassination was pretty badass, man. They had to come in there with three helicopters. Sure, if it really happened that way. When you hear about the Jessica Lynch story, you have to wonder, man. You have to wonder how much of this story is true and how much of it is not.

Is it possible that they stormed this fucking compound, there are a bunch of Islamic militants there, there are a bunch of bad guys they were looking for, they cap these motherfuckers, but there's no bin Laden. They say, all right, here's what we do. We know what we're doing here. We're going to take bin Laden. We've had him on ice for five years. And we're going to say we shot him. And we're going to fuck these

guys up. We're going to fuck up their mindset. And they're going to go, he wasn't there. We've been looking for him. He's not. We've been telling them this whole time. Yeah, they're fucking hiding bin Laden. And that's why we need to go to Pakistan with these drones and shoot hellfire missiles out of these drones to the mountainside to fuck all these people up. It's because they've got bin Laden.

Meanwhile, they're like, he's fucking dead. We're telling you bin Laden's been dead forever. I haven't seen him. Have you seen him? I haven't seen him. I think it actually puts the U.S. in a really tough position because now you've got a lot of people asking very tough questions of Pakistan saying you guys didn't know he was there. And Pakistan has been our ally for the most part. They're not really, but they've essentially been our ally

because we need them. A lot of our... Well, they're friends we pay. We pay them to be our friends. But the most dangerous country in the world in a lot of ways is Pakistan. They have 100 nuclear weapons and growing. And they've already given that technology already to Libya, North Korea, and who the fuck else?

One other person. One other group of people. And to this guy, A.Q. Khan, they had complicity with the Pakistani military. And there's no doubt that Pakistan has its own agenda. They're terrified of India. They use... See, here's the thing about foreign policy nobody thinks about. We have our agenda, right?

Well, we're going to go into Afghanistan. The motherfuckers that live there and around there, they go, you guys are going to be gone in 10 years. We've got to deal with what's really going on. So you want us to be mean to the quote-unquote Taliban, like you said. You know who the Taliban is? It's the dude with the biggest fucking guns and the most drugs, okay? That's who's going to be holding the cards after you guys leave. So after your centralized government, that big experiment where you have democracy

in a country that's always been a series of tribes, you're going to tell me, what are you going to do then? We have to deal with that fucking mess. We've got to deal with that lawless area, Waziristan, etc. And that's what's funny. They kind of just wait and let us spend a shitload of money, and then they're like, ah, look, a vacuum. And they just fill it up and it goes back to normal.

That's the fucking tough thing about foreign policy, man. Yeah, it's a very tricky thing, man. It's a very tricky thing to go nation building. It's a game, isn't it? Yeah, well, it's... Nation building is the dumbest idea. It's a resource game. It's so clearly a resource game

because here's our biggest fucking physical threat of safety. You ready? Mexico. It's right next door. You can fucking drive there. Life is worth a nickel. And everyone's selling drugs. It goes back to what you said,

how we started this podcast. You said telling your daughter to do one thing, she does the other. You think you can nation build at the point from the barrel of a gun? You think you can do that? You're going to tell people

how to behave? The minute you come in there and you're a foreigner who doesn't speak their language and you're telling them how to fucking live, what do people people do the minute they do that they go get the out of here and if i can't shoot you i'm just going to keep my mouth shut and when you're gone spend all your money when you're gone i'm going to do whatever i want i'm

going to do what i'm supposed to and we only go places where there's something that's the only place where we go we pretend that there's these big issues it's just like i said about the country of pfizer that produces viag. If there was such a little land that produced Viagra, we would fucking steal from them. We would rob them. Mexico's got tacos and tacos aren't worth that much. I believe that the only thing that has resilience,

the only thing that changes anything in life and the only thing that has resilience is ideas. An idea is very powerful. When an idea takes hold, like the constitution of this country or is ideas. An idea is very powerful. When an idea takes hold, like the constitution of this country or whatever, when an idea takes hold,

if an idea called democracy takes hold, it'll fucking change and bring down military dictatorships. Take a look at fucking all of South America. It was all military dictatorships. 20 years, the notion of democracy, even as messy as it is, took hold. It was an idea that you just couldn't fucking argue with. That's, by the way, what's going on in the Middle East.

This spring awakening with all these young people who could give a shit about Islam, what they really care about is having a better life for themselves and their kids. And they want education and freedom of speech and representative government, which are human fucking rights. You try keeping that. Now that that's out of the box, just try. Good luck to all the qaddafi and all his assholes good luck trying to keep that a lid on that shit you're not going

to do it because because that's caught fire and they've seen how the rest of the world lives they can see it with their computers and their cell phones and you're never going to be able to keep the fucking truth down the two places you can't do it in cuba one the final vestige of that is north korea and those people suffer so horribly, it's sick. But that's the one place in the world that still somehow this tyrannical dictator has the lid on. But there is a, like we were saying, there is an evolution of freedom, isn't there? Right, but it's true that the CIA is without a doubt involved in orchestrating a lot of these revolts. I mean, it's not that these things are happening organically.

Wesley Clark in 2007 talked about the United States plan and all these different foreign countries, and many of them that have dictatorships, including Libya. And he talked about the plans to overthrow Libya, and this was in 2007. It's true, but this spring awakening really actually caught a lot of people on their heels, and especially a lot of Middle East experts. Well, I think all you need to do is push it, and then it goes. Well, you know how it happened?

In Tunisia, a vegetable cart guy got these government officials came, and this is how the whole revolution started. These government guys said, where's your license? He didn't have a fucking license. They threw his scales in the street, and they took his fruit and smashed it. You know what he did? He fucking lit himself on fire whoa and he lit himself on fire in protest and that that proverbial match set off a fire across the middle east and this is the egyptians this is the tunisians and the tunisians brought down a dictator who i believe had been in power for 25 years

he came down his name is his last name Ali. And they brought that motherfucker down. They brought that whole government down because that kid lit himself on fire and it caught fire in Egypt. Take a look at Syria. Take a look at what Bashar al-Assad is trying to do. They're going door to door in Syria right now. They're being brutal because they're fucking awful.

But thousands of people are in the fucking streets. And it's like the French Revolution. History keeps repeating itself. How much of it do you think is orchestrated? How much of this is just natural? That people are tired of being fucked with? And how much do you think is the United States? I think very little has to do with the United States. In fact,

the U.S. doesn't... We can't even get our reporters into Syria. We can't even get reporters... Right. When you hear a guy like Wesley Clark, who's a fucking, what is he, a four-star general running for president, he says that the United States had been plotting this COVID operations. We'd always been. So they must have some influence on it. I think in the sense that we're trying to, well, I mean, the influence we had, for example, in Libya, was that we, along with our NATO allies, said we can't allow the Libyan military

to fly over these rebel strongholds in these towns and just carpet bomb the fuck out of them and shoot them. We've got to create a no-fly zone around these people. So in that sense, we did get militarily involved. It was very controversial. It still is very controversial. But to an extent, I think that democratic countries, starting with Europe, and this was actually led by Europe, they say, what is in our national interest? Is it still in our national interest for Gaddafi or Mubarak in Egypt who'd been there for 30 years? Is it in our national interest for that guy to be in power?

There is a convenience when Mubarak is in power and you say you can make a phone call to mubarak and say hey um you gotta you gotta cooperate with israel uh because it's in our national interest well that's no longer the case it's a different fucking ball game now it's a different ball game you're having to deal with the arab street you're having to deal with the will of the people and uh that's going to be very interesting to see how it plays out. That's what democracy is. Yeah. I feel like, I literally feel like I'm on a political talk show. I'm actually starting to talk that way. So anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, when you read shit like confessions of an economic hitman and you see that we go only into countries that have massive natural resources that we want to stockpile and control,

it makes you very skeptical about motivation. It makes you very skeptical when you see all the money that people spend on war. And I'm not pro-socialist, but I am pro-fixing problems. And I think, I don't believe necessarily in welfare. I don't believe that if you give people money that you're going to somehow or another improve their life because they were broke and now you give them money and now everything's going to be great no because you're going to develop a whole culture that expects to get a check for nothing and then when you have that you have no motivation you have no work ethic you have no

enjoyment and satisfaction you have no productivity but i am for fixing schools i am for trying to develop human beings that are going to contribute. And I think as a society and as a community and as a culture, that's one of the most important things we can do. Yet, we ignore that. We all know this and we ignore that and concentrate on boogeymen on the other side of the fucking planet. Where it's quite obvious that there's this transparent game going on where these boogeymen just so happen to only be where the gas is. They just so happen to only be where the oil is. They just so happen to only be where the heroin is.

I mean, it's not that cut and dry. It's not. But I think also that the other question that it raised is that anytime you have a country with a lot of natural resources, let's just take oil, which is traded openly on the world market and that none of us would go anywhere without oil okay we all need it uh if you look at the history of oil i'm not an expert on the history of oil i did live in saudi arabia for three years but you you you look at the history of oil you look at you know and the middle east which was strategic because of that resource the soviets and the americans were obviously always fighting over who had control of that the the the arabs for the most part created a created something called OPEC and said,

fuck both you guys, we're going to start controlling our own idea. But the idea of pan-Arabism, which is the notion that all the Arabs, that's what Saddam Hussein and Abdul Nasser in Egypt try to do. They try to bring all the Arabs together under one banner. You're never going to do that because people are nationalistic. People go, I'm Libyan first, I'm not Arab. I'm Libyan. I'm Egyptian. And it just never worked. But you look at how there was so much involvement and vying for those resources between two superpowers that, of course, of course shit is going to get crazy.

Of course, when Saddam Hussein makes a huge mistake and invades Kuwait, and we not only come to his rescue, but we use Saudi Arabia, the land of Muhammad, where Islam started, and we're launching planes out of Saudi Arabia to kill other Muslims. For a guy like Osama bin Laden, that was the equivalent of slaughtering pigs in a synagogue. For those guys, they were like, you're out of your fucking mind. slaughtering pigs in a synagogue for those guys they were like you're out of your fucking mind now the imperialists whatever you want to call them are actually killing muslims from from from the original caliphate state when you fucking not and that was one of the things that radicalized him when these are the kinds of things that you're right i mean it there's there's always the cia has an idea they want to do something but when you say we by the way again it's a lot of different

people in a room that come up with an idea. But let's just simplify it and say the CIA or the U.S. government at the time. They say we want this. This is our agenda. One thing that they always talk about is there's always circumstances that unfold that none of us had any fucking idea would happen. It seems to be that's the way life is. You got one plan and everything goes to shit. You know, I mean, you could make the argument, by the way,

that the idea that we killed Osama bin Laden has raised a whole bunch of questions a lot of people don't want to answer from a political point of view. So, you know, this is a... And so it goes. It's a verb. My point was not that why do we go to war. Why don't we spend money on the things that we really need to spend money on?

Why do we spend all this money on war and not spend? We don't spend nearly enough, dude. There's massive school cuts right now. That raises a question. Massive, massive school cuts right now. There's fucking no community centers in these bad neighborhoods. There's no guides. There's no counseling. If you wanted to look at the one huge problem

that we have, it's babies and children growing up and becoming shitty human beings because there's no love, because there's not getting any help. And we're not putting money in that at all. The disproportionate amount of money we put in the military budget and compared to how we treat children in this country and raise kids and work on terrible communities and work on educating and getting people out of bad situations. And you say, oh, well, you know, they got to figure it out on their own. You don't have a fucking clue what kind of a disproportionate life you would be living if you were born in the ghetto. If you've ever been around the projects, if you've ever been around terrible neighborhoods. I never lived in a really bad neighborhood, but I lived in Jamaica Plain in Boston, and

it wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination. And there was a lot of really poor people around me, but we would go into really bad neighborhoods. We would go to buy pot. We would go to do different shit. We would go just because it was dangerous. We were young kids. We were close to bad neighborhoods. There's people living in ways that you can't even wrap your fucking head around.

And there's not much ways out of there. You're there and you grow up. Baltimore is a classic example. How about fucking Detroit where 50% of the people can't read? It's unbelievable. That's a real statistic that just came out. It was actually 47%. 47%. You can't say that that's an even playing field. And you can't say that for the human race, that doesn't need to be addressed and helped. Absolutely. And it's not about getting welfare mothers money so they can keep shitting out kids. It's about helping the fucking kids. The's about helping the fucking

kids. The welfare mother might already be fucked. Her programming might already be jacked. She might already be on some downward addiction spiral. Who knows? But you can help that kid. But you know, one of the things that's always raised with social scientists is they say, there are a lot of cases in this country where you threw a lot of money at a problem. Let's take Head Start as an example. Or just a lot of the money that Bush spent on education, which was a lot of money over the past eight years. Why in the world didn't a lot of test scores in certain segments of society,

they didn't budge and sometimes they went down? You spend all that money, those teachers aren't making shit. You're spending the money the wrong way. The money is being spent too much in this area, not that area. And that's the challenge of a government. That's the challenge of a bureaucracy. You tax, you have a lot of money.

Trying to find out how to spend that money and where to spend that money has always been a big challenge. The proportion of that money is the problem. The proportion is tiny. Compared to the problem, it's tiny. The salaries that teachers get is unlivable. And that is a really important part of being a human being. If you look back on your teachers that you had and how much they influenced you and how much power they have over you, this is the person that stands in front of the class and tells you how the fucking world works.

And when you're a kid, that's a huge responsibility that many times is bestowed on idiots. It's bestowed on idiots, and they took this job because they couldn't get another job, and they're fucking bitter and cunty. By the way, try with the teachers' unions, and then just try firing a teacher who has tenure, because they've been teaching for three years in a lot of districts. Just try now. In high schools, they get tenure like that? It's so hard to fire a teacher.

Yes. Well, there's a documentary for everybody to watched called Waiting for Superman, but forget that. There's an article just now in the New York Times about trying to get, I think it was in the state of Ohio, just trying to get one law passed, one law, one law that makes it harder for a teacher to get tenure or easier to hire a high-quality teacher in place of someone who's not performing. easier to hire a high quality teacher in place of someone who's not performing you are dealing with fucking 65 different interests with a lot of lobbying power starting with the teachers union that also then has a subsidiary called the chicago teachers union that has a subsidiary called the county teachers union and you're dealing with fucking the reality of trying to make a law go

through holy shit man holy shit yeah talk to a senator sometime say hey i want to get a law passed and it's a simple one talk to him and see how long it takes and how many years and how many people you got to pay off and how many people you got to convince that how many lobbyists you have to have on your side yeah because a lot of people go the problem with the law is two things you pass the law it does one thing it puts a whole bunch of people out of business and a whole bunch of other people in business. And any law you pass doesn't go away in this country. And you know why?

Because a whole cottage industry grows up around that law. That's why. Oh, yeah. We've talked about that many times, especially when it comes to drugs. I mean, there's a reason why people are still trying to keep marijuana illegal. Look, folks, we have more than 50% of the people in prison today in this country are in prison for nonviolent drug offenses. And there are a tremendous amount of private prisons in this country.

And we're all paying for it. It's a business. And we have to wrap our heads around the fact that there's some sort of a creepy situation that's happened where there's a lot of money in keeping people in jail. And because of that, make no doubt about it. The prison guard unions and all these, you know, various law enforcement unions, they are not lobbying to keep marijuana, to make marijuana legal. They don't want it at all, because it's a part of their economy. It's a part of their whole situation. This is what happens in life is that, you know, a lot of people have a vested interest. That's why being a politician or a president,

they're all saying when you're a president, you make one decision, you make 50% of the people happy and another 50% of the people out there hate your guts. There's no way to avoid that when you have power. Tenure for a teacher is almost, it has some of the elements of intellectual welfare. Absolutely. That's a great way to put it.

That's a fucking great way to put it. You know what I mean? In that it sounds like a good idea. Like what you're going to do is you're going to make it so you can't get fired. So you are allowed to be free with your ideas and you don't have to worry about the repercussions of your free thinking. And this is going to promote thought.

But the problem with that is when you know that you can't get fired, you become a cunt. And that's just what people do. It's natural. It's just like welfare. I was doing stand-up in, I think it was Kansas City. I talked to a principal who came to my show. I said, give me your take on the education system. He said, the education system is fine.

I said, what do you mean? He goes, education in my school is amazing. But you know what the problem is? Parents. A lot of parents suck. They suck. And a lot of it is this culture that doesn't put a premium on education in a lot of places. The idea that you've got to work your fucking ass off against insurmountable odds for anything.

All that stuff. I mean, you know. Well, kids where we live, there's an even trickier element. There's this fucking weird escape clause where you can become famous for nothing and then you get millions. And so instead of working your ass off for almost nothing after taxes you look at kim kardashian who just fucks somebody and and makes a video of it and then gets a tv show where they follow her around she does nothing to contribute she's not saying anything but yet she's making millions of dollars and good for her you know i'm not hating on her good for her

but to kids that all of a sudden becomes this goal this weird fucking this weird fucking, this weird like claws in the contract. It's this weird little escape clause and a few people find it and they get through the system and all of a sudden, look at this person making millions of dollars. Kim Kardashian made something like $60 million last year. It's fucking nuts. It's like insane. It's crazy money. You know what I mean?

She's in, every time I go to the fucking airport and I throw my keys in the bin, I see her in some Skechers ad with her fat ass sticking out. Yeah. And she's wearing some sneakers. It's supposed to make you fit. It's a great ass, though, by the way. I like her ass. Is it even real?

Yeah, it is. Is it totally real? I believe her breasts are real, by the way. Really? Yes. I think you believe in Santa Claus, too, motherfucker. Listen, I... That bitch is always getting her face carved up.

That is my type. But she's always getting her face carved up. Why would you... I don't think so. Yes, she is. There's been a bunch of photos. She hasn't had any... Kardashian? You're crazy. You haven't seen the photos? No. Why would you? Yes, she is. There's been a bunch of photos. I'm going to go on record as saying she hasn't had any. Kardashian?

You're crazy. You haven't seen the photos? No. Dude, you've got to look online. You made a mistake. Really? Her face all puffy and shit. I'm like, hey.

Looking like a cat woman. I'm not listening. It was like right after she had a procedure done. Come on. Yes, without a doubt, man. How come I had to look in makeup? I worked with her on How I Met Your Mother. What do I give a fuck where you worked?

She looked modern. Listen, pal. We talked. This girl's had How I Met Your Mother. What do I give a fuck where you work? Listen, pal. We talked. This girl's had... I just started lying. This girl has had plastic surgery, without a doubt. And, you know, whatever, man. I mean, if that's your business, your business is staying hot.

I guess what you got to do, what you got to do. She's only like 26, right? She's fine. She's delicious. You like that? Yeah. That's my type. I don't know why.

Huge straights. What are you doing? You looking for the photos here? We'll find them, and I'll show them to you later because this is going to be a pain in the ass. But my point is, and you and I have both talked about this, and I did get out of here for a little while, but moving to somewhere where that's not an influence. Is that even possible anymore, though? Because that influence is sort of, of like all over the country now. I don't know.

That's a good question. I think, though, at the end of the day, you're still going to have a lot of people who hold on to what's important. Because life is basically a kick in the nuts, and it's going to teach you that shit. You know, you still got to compete. You still got to fight gravity. You still got to find fulfillment in accomplishment. And the only way to accomplish something like a black belt in jiu-jitsu is fucking roll all the time for four or five six or seven or ten years if you want a black belt that's what it takes if you want to know that you truly are you know somebody that can tie

somebody in a knot and i'm speaking metaphorically in anything it takes a long fucking time you want to be a good stand-up you want to be you want to make people laugh all over the country i'll see in 10 years minimum yeah if you're so i mean in Yeah, if you're lucky. So, I mean, if you're lucky. In a way, life kind of sorts itself out. So people worry about it. I think it's always been, well, these people are, you know, I mean, I don't know of any story in the world or any leader in the world that didn't complain that his followers, for the most part, were retards

and, you know, he owed to change and get people to understand what's important. That's what every religious leader from Christ on, you know, he owe to change and get people to understand what's important. That's what every religious leader from, from Christ on, you know, from Moses, for God's sake, 5,000 years ago, my people don't know what's important. Here are the fucking commandments, you pagans. You know, it's always been that. It's always been people who are older, always been like you fucking kids are partying too much.

Stop with all the fucking, the drinking, the booze and, and, you know, and, and, and the drugs. Here's what's important. Yeah. And if you don't, you're going to get struck down by lightning. So I'm going to scare the shit out of you for your own good. Right. And ultimately all these things are in place so that we can have this society, so that people can survive, so that people can keep breeding, so

we can continue doing what we're doing. Man's a social animal. Which sort of centers around technology. Yeah, man's a social animal. We've always had a war with nature anyway. That's kind of like what kids do. Well, we're the only animal that has a symbiotic relationship with an artificial life, and that artificial life is technology.

You could say technology is not alive, but we used the word evolution culturally earlier. We used the word evolution for machines. And if you look at simple machines that were around 50, 60 years ago, and you look at the complex machines now with the microchips that are just powering your fucking cell phone and where this is all headed in some sort of a weird direction, we are inexorably connected to this technology. Inexorably? Is that the word?

Inexorably. Inexorably connected to this technology. Which, ladies and gentlemen, we do inevitably. Inexorably. Our society is connected to it. I mean, this is what the Unabomber was terrified about. This is when he took... That's right.

That was his manifesto. Yeah, that was his all about. He said that technology will get to a point where it no longer has a respect for its biological heritage. Yeah, and people can say, it's not a life form, it's not a life form. You're right, you're right. It's not.

There's no blood in it, and there's no tissue, and there's no cells. But what is it? It's something that's growing and evolving. You can say that it's not a life form. But what is a fucking human being? A human being is some sort of a weird biological computer that's riddled with bacteria.

That's what we are. We're also coming up with synthetic DNA. Yeah. We're coming up with actually living... We're coming up with living... We're coming up with man-made bacteria, basically. And, you know, this is one of those conversations that inevitably, whenever we have this sort of conversation on the podcast, on my message board, someone will come up and go this fucking bullshit stone hippie talk. It's always some aggro fuckhead with a poor argument and they get upset about it.

But the bottom line is with all this hippie talk is, you know, everyone's like, why are you thinking about that? Why are you thinking about like, where's it all going? Where's it all going, man? It's going nowhere. Shut up. Go to work. The reality is something is happening. And for whatever reason, we have an instinct to ignore it. It's not hippie talk anyway. By the way, you think it's hippie talk. Take a look at what computer scientists are talking about.

Of course. Computer scientists and scientists in general are talking about evolution in terms of human beings can control and are controlling their own evolution so it's not hippie talk at all in fact it's cold hard scientific talk it is cold hard scientific talk but it's also theoretical yeah it's also stoner talk it's also the kind of things you but that's why weed is so awesome you fuck but it's not just but stoner talk in 20 years you we are going to like it or not have to contend with tech technological advances that are, that are so far beyond what most of us are dealing with today. Biocompatible technology, things that fit into your body that make you remember faster,

keep you awake longer. Replacement parts. All kinds of shit. You're a bionic man, bro. Sure. So, so, so these are realities that are going to affect how you make a living, what you talk about,

what you listen to, what your children are influenced by. So anybody who thinks they can stay out of this debate or even this discussion is kidding themselves, man.

You're kidding yourself. It does have an air of silliness to it. It's got an air of, man, you know, there's something to it when you're considering, you know, there's something to it when you're considering, you know, these really fantastical possibilities and probabilities of the exponential

growth of technology. It does have this sort of silliness to it. I think that's kind of where spiritual conversation comes in with the notion that, yes, we have all these technological advances, but the same old questions that a human being is going to have to answer for himself are still going to exist. Sort of. I wonder if it's there for the same reason why when your dick is hard, you don't even think about putting a condom on, you just stick it in there. Because yeah, just whatever, just get in there. Oh, fuck, I made a kid. It's almost like it's designed that way. And our mass, you know, the huge percentage of the population is not thinking about the eventual upcoming technological singularity. They're just not. And if you bring it up, it's like, oh,

silly. You don't have time. Right, right, right, right. But I wonder if that's there for the same reason. It's the same sort of an instinct that makes the hard dick stick it in without a condom to make sure it happens anyway. It's like this crazy instinct to do, oh, fuck yeah, just, just, don't come inside me. Okay, okay. Oh, shit. You know, it's like, it's almost. It's like this crazy instinct to do, oh, fuck yeah. Don't come inside me. Okay, okay.

Oh, shit. It's almost like it's engineered into us. I think it's the same reason whenever you start talking about if a guy gets up and says, well, climate change and sea levels are rising. You talk to me about that. Talk to me. I go, that's too big to think about and I don't have any way to cool the fucking planet, so I'm going to change the channel

right now. I'm walking away. Right, but when you talk to dopey Republicans about it, they go, let me tell you something about these liberals. These liberals and their climate control. Now, they've been going on and on about the climate control. This is what we know, ladies and gentlemen. We know that the climate has changed since the beginning of time. It's cyclical, okay? Don't get in the way of

big business and big industry, okay? Because there's a reason why the United States of America is doing so well. There's a reason why we need this economy to turn around, and it's not liberals. It's not a goddamn sitting around with tambourines in a circle around a campfire singing Grateful Dead songs. Okay? All right. All right.

We'll be right back. That's good. You know what I mean? And you get into that right-wing rhetoric idea that, you know, like, ah, guys, guys, settle down, hippies. Because you know what it does? It allows things to happen. And it also stops the debate. It allows you to stick your dick in without a condom because you're silly.

The instincts are to fuck things up. The instincts are to make more people. The instincts are to continue the technological progress regardless of what fucking effect it has on the environment. His human history is one. The one constant in human history is that people were never able to see catastrophe as a group. World War I, World War II, famines, the Black Plague. We are not good at predicting major fucking issues and events. Whether it's a tsunami, all due respect to the people in Japan, or anything like that.

We will eventually, though, right? Human beings are not good at doing that. Well, we have technology. We've gotten a lot better. are not good at doing that. Well, we have technology. We have technology that can say, hey, by the way, there's a 20% likelihood that a huge earthquake's about to hit in the next

week. I'm sure we'll get better at doing stuff like that. Yeah, well, it used to be that you didn't know a tornado was coming until it killed you. You had no idea. You had to see it, and you had to go, oh, shit. But in 2011, 300-plus people in Alabama and our country were destroyed. Well, there's nothing they could do. There was nothing they could do about that.

A mile wide tornado or something. Have you ever seen the destruction photos online? I tweeted them. They're insane. Tuscaloosa, Alabama was literally wiped off the map. I've never experienced in any way a nature's force like that. That must be so crazy terrifying. Yeah, and the crazy thing is it happens every year.

There was something like 400 fucking tornadoes this year in this country. But it's like you're in a house and it gets picked up. And you're in the house. Like, you know, when there's a rainstorm and you hear thunder, you're like, let's cuddle up in front of the TV. That's my reality. But here's the thing, I would fucking move.

Have you ever been in a hurricane? No. I've been in a hurricane. But the hurricanes that hit the East Coast, like up in the Boston area, by the time they got up there, eh. Right. Not so much. Right. Not that big a deal.

Right. When you're in the middle, when it starts, when you're in the, whatever they call it, the eye of the storm. That's not the start. The start is the eye is the center when you fuck up and you go, well, it's over. And you step outside. How about those Air Force guys who fly into that shit to test all the kinds of how nutty is that they're in the middle

of a fucking how insane is that well because any other plane comes apart any other plane comes apart they come apart if you're a pilot my dad was a pilot

for 20 years when you're a pilot you fucking worry about thunderstorms if there's thunderstorms that is death you don't go near a thunderstorm man

that's scary shit doesn't matter if you're a 747 or whatever. And these guys just fly right into it. They fly into it. Why don't we make all planes out of the same shit they make those weather planes out of? I think because you can only have two or three passengers in it. So what? I'll pay more.

How awesome would it be if you were in a plane and you knew it couldn't break? Like, this plane is never going to crash. It flies into fucking hurricanes and shit. It's made out of the black box. I heard the craziest. That's a stupid old hack joke. I know. I heard the craziest hippie theory lately.

I read somewhere today that if you have a birthmark, that's where you were murdered in a past life or killed in a past life. Is this from a girl that you're trying to bang? No. No, I read it on somebody's Facebook or something. People go. It's kind of interesting. I would have been stabbed in the back of the head. Only interesting if you have brain damage. Right. People I would have been stabbed in the back of the head. Only interesting if you have brain damage.

Right. That's why you have a mole. A good experiment. What about fucking redheads that are stabbed everywhere? No, no, no. I have a Gorbachev mole. They were shot. Shotguns all over their body. You and I were talking about the thing about the internet is that when you can get facts right away, like fact check,

the thing is, before that, we all just would just start saying shit. all like just would just start saying shit like i just start saying anything like here's what i know and this is the truth meanwhile you do some checking like i did recently i've been going going back over my archives of the shit that i believe and say and i'm like oh that's a big hole there unfortunately the last time you were here there was one there was one about the wikileaks right there's a good wikileaks one. You unfortunately said that. Sorry about that, everybody. WikiLeaks, apparently they did remove names of all the people to protect the people,

except people who are no longer with the CIA or whoever they were with, and they were already exposed. Right. Yeah. The WikiLeaks thing is a very tricky situation, man. They're going after that guy. Yeah, I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I feel because I like transparency, but I don't know.

Do you know out of the 12 BP whistleblowers, all the 12 people that came forward about all the problems in the oil disaster, nine of them are missing, including people murdered, one guy who survived an assassination attempt. It's really kind of freaky, man. It's kind of hard for BP to, I mean, that was a hard thing to cover up. Is it? The whole ocean. Yeah, well, here's a good way freaky, man. It's kind of hard for BP to, I mean, that was a hard thing to cover up. Is it? The whole ocean. Yeah, well, here's a good way to cover it up.

Shoot everybody who knows anything. And it seems like that's actually happening. I need to, this one site that had it, I put it up on my Twitter, and it's getting crushed. I can't get to it anymore. But there's something going on. I don't know if it's true or not. I need to find out about this because it's pretty fucking fascinating.

The BP executives. Yeah, I don't know. I got confused yesterday. I was driving down the alley and there was these three girls walking down the alley. I was like, come on, get the fuck out of the way

so I can drive by. There were 15, 16-year-old girls. All of them just stopped and then flashed me. What? They mooned me. Seriously? They pulled down theirold girls. All of them just stopped and then flashed me. Like pulled down their – What? They mooned me. Seriously?

They pulled down their pants, all three of them in Burbank in the back of an alley. Why'd they do it? In the back of an alley? Yeah, they were fucking – like I have an alley in my neighborhood. There's alleys. And they recognized you or something? No, no, no. I'm just driving and I'm just like – they're walking in front of me.

I'm like, come on. Get the fuck out of here. And suddenly they just all stopped, pulled down their pants, mooned me, and ran away. But for a second I'm just like, yo, my god, it's awful. If there's a broken bitch out there, Brian will find her. Brian will find her like a magnet to little metal particles.

Nate Marquardt was, you know, Nate Marquardt, Joe of course knows him, but he was at my house and he was walking up the stairs. I go, come here, I want to show you something. Come upstairs, because he had just gotten to LA to come see my one hour. And as he was walking upstairs, he was kind of a staid guy. And I was bent over with my ass wide apart. And as he walked up the stairs, he just goes, what?

And I think he went, what the fuck? The same thing he said when he saw dicks and feet. I got pissed. Listen, out of the 12 people in question that were the BP whistleblowers, nine are mysteriously dead, one nearly died in a brutal assassination attempt, one is imprisoned under questionable circumstances, and another has simply disappeared.

I don't believe it. You don't? Yeah, I don't really believe that either. And that guy in the questionable circumstances, what, questionable tax? Hey, Brian, don't talk from the other room, you fucking freak. Go piss. How ridiculous is this guy? don't talk from the other room you fucking freak go piss how ridiculous is this guy trying to scream in the other room so so after that show sir after that happened i was in such shock and i was going to starbucks i was in such shock and so you were in shock because some girls mooned you well i mean that's pretty crazy seeing

three girls buttholes and vaginas that are underage and you're just driving around like minding your own business so i get out of my car and i go inside you actually see their buttholes and vaginas or did they have their legs i remember so their cheeks no i remember at least one of them i saw the like you know like the the whatever the place so i i i'm like thinking about i'm like what the fuck was that all about and i walk in and there's alan alda is that his name from mash just staring at me like this like he knew like he was just like shaking his head you know it was so weird what what are you talking about i don't get it i walked in the starbucks and alan alda was and he was staring he was just staring at me but like right when i walked in i was like holy shit how weird is how high were you i was super high when all this happened ridiculous

conversation ever you should have started off this conversation by saying how high you were because you're like alan aldo staring at me and I was really freaking out. What the fuck kind of a conversation are we having here? What kind of a story is that? It's what happened to me yesterday. You left out the most important part. This is one of the reasons why pot should be illegal.

Now I'm on the other side of the fence. Here's what I don't believe. Here's what I don't believe in. I don't believe in psychics. I don't believe that corporations like BP have anything to do with, like, are able to pull off murder or any of that stuff. Wait a minute. Come on, man.

You're silly. All wars are based on oil. Yeah, and all wars pretty much are... Wow, how loud is that? It wasn't based on oil, necessarily. Why is it so loud? It's extra loud. Why?

Because you left it on all week and it's going to blow the fuck up? No, it's touching something. The war made the oil more expensive in a lot of ways, so I don't know why it's so expensive. Yeah, and they're making more money, those cunts. Yeah, but they're not the ones that, you know, 911. It's fucking moving. It's not how things work. You say that, dude, but how can you say that with any level of certainty?

That's ridiculous. I can say it with a lot of level of certainty. You can't say how corporations are working when there's so many instances of corporations killing people. But they all have different agendas is all I'm saying. If you're a bank, you have a different agenda. When you watch a movie. You're competing against another bank. And there's a movie where someone is trying to make money and something goes wrong and then they hire a hitman.

Fiction. Like Jason Statham. Fiction. Right. Based on what? Based on human fucking nature. We know it's possible. We're not talking about superpowers.

We're talking about someone having someone killed because it would cost them billions and billions of dollars. That's not how a corporation works. You don't think it's possible? It's a boardroom. You've got a bunch of people making decisions. The problem with this BP story is it has all the elements of an internet hoax. Right.

I mean, it's fantastic. It's unresearchable. And I'm trying to research it. And by the way, if you're telling me that all those investigative journalists out there from all those newspapers who are always looking for a story wouldn't be all over that, believe me. They would be all over that. Yeah, maybe. But this is sort of like some kind of shit that you have to be really, really, really, really, really sure about. You're not going to get this published in Time Magazine.

I want you on your podcast to bring a reputable investigative journalist on this show so we can talk about what a news... Yeah. Hello, reputable investigative journalist. I want you to... This is called the volcano. And what's inside here is marijuana vapor. It's way better for your lungs.

Have them come in. Why here? This is legit, bro. We're ranked on iTunes. We're like number two. Are you? Yeah. It's always like number your lungs. Have them come in. Why here? This is legit, bro. We're ranked on iTunes. We're like number two. Are you? Yeah, it's always like number one or number two. Anything you do.

It was number five. Anything Joe Rogan does doesn't surprise me. Joe Rogan can do it all. Oh, you're so sweet. You've always been a winner, my friend. And I love you. I love you, too. But I think it's sweet talking to you.

You are very important. I'm not that high, I'm telling you. Why is it so harsh on the throat? Because I think your thing is too hot. Really? Yeah, I think it's smoking it too much. Sorry about that, coach. Yeah, you might be right.

I'm going to kill it. Volcanoes are very tricky. Some guy just got life in jail for his third weed. Third weed. Is that on camera? I'm never going to be alone for a while. Fourth marijuana conviction gets Slidell, Louisiana man life in prison.

He's a repeat offender and by this repeat offender, the jury found the defendant guilty of attempting to possess and distribute marijuana. The dude was selling weed. And they put him in jail for life. God damn. For life. And he's 35 years old.

Terrible. Like, that's ridiculous. Terrible. It's a tragedy. It's the only way pot kills you. There's two ways. Wait, wait, wait. What was all four times?

The same thing? Yeah, sells weed. All right. That guy probably deserves to be in jail. I think after the second or third time, all right, dude, just fucking start fucking looking at a different job. What, for selling weed?

Dude. Yes. No, the law is unjust. It's unjust. Right. Yeah, but he's not a retard. Yes. He's definitely not the brightest guy in the world.

But what he's doing, he's not hurting anyone. We have too many fucking laws. You don't feel bad for him because it's not you, dude. No. Because it easily could be. Don't be silly. I think any strike, anything type strike thing. If you have four DUIs, I think you deserve to be fucking locked up.

You're right. You're just a fucking retard. If this guy's selling weed. Okay, but Four DUIs are dangerous. You're hurting people. You're scaring people. It doesn't matter. It matters, but it also matters that this guy's been in trouble three times, two times, shouldn't sell weed anymore.

You're right, but you're giving in to the man. You're saying, whatever rules that you make, as illogical as they are, I'm going to fall by them because I don't want to get locked in a cage. What I'm saying is there's no way you should be locking someone in a cage for that. It doesn't make any sense. And if someone does that, they're the criminals. When you have a society, a complex society with a massive amount of access to information, literally you can find the answers to any question instantly on your phone. When you

have a law that's in place that's completely illogical, like marijuana laws, and then you prosecute people for them, and then you lock them in jail, you are the criminal. You are the one who's going against logic and nature with all your fucking silly studies. Ron Paul just owned some motherfucker the other day on the Senate floor. The guy was talking about marijuana. Yeah, because he said he thought heroin should be legal, I think. Yeah. Ron Paul just clowned them about personal use, freedom of use.

And if heroin was legal, do you think we'd all be using heroin? Right, exactly. I mean, it was so on the money, man, about all of it. We need less fucking laws. All you people out there that are involved in this industry of laws and industry of creating jobs that are attached to laws, you're leeches. This is leeching off society. It's a fucking loophole. And if we got rid of that loophole and forced everybody that has some shitbag jobs for locking people up for pot, we would force those people to have more

productive lives because they would have to evolve. You would have to contribute. I think that more than any other time in our country's history, the discussion about legalizing drugs is very much alive. And even politicians like Ron Paul, who have a growing following, are being taken very seriously. It's slowly evolving. Yeah, when they say we should legalize drugs. Not fast enough for logic or my taste. It's not changing enough in my lifetime. It is changing. I mean, the climate here in California especially is really revolutionary. If you drive down the street near my house, there's fucking five weed stores in a one-block area.

It's really, that is incredible. But it's not changing enough. There's still plenty of fucking morons with silly ideas about forcing people into other... There's a reason why the United States is not competing with the rest of the world as far as things we produce. It's because a lot of people aren't producing shit. They're just a part of some weird fucking system. Some weird system. It's a very weird system that doesn't necessarily make any sense. Our financial system doesn't necessarily make sense. We don't really produce anything. You know, Putin said it best

when he was analyzing the United States economy before the crash. He said, I don't understand the American economy. All they seem to be doing is buying and selling each other's houses. And he's right. What the fuck else do we do anymore? We make Mustangs and Camaros and Corvettes

and a couple other things. In comparison. We have a very powerful... Military. No, no, no. Computer industry. Yeah, we do that. Innovation, art. And medical innovation and stuff like that. We have a lot of stuff.

It could be argued, though, that if there were less laws and there were more freedom and there was less people in these fucking bullshit, parasitic government jobs, that those people would be forced to contribute. You're damn right. Maybe they would become cabinet makers. That's a huge, that's a great argument, but you're right. Maybe they'd become authors.

You're right. They would contribute. Look. It is a form of social welfare to have shit jobs that aren't necessary. There was a great article in the Wall Street Journal about how a lot of states, three out of one job are government jobs, not private sector jobs, not manufacturing jobs. When you hear, like, the government created new jobs, and you know what a lot of those jobs are?

Surveyors. Exactly. And weird fucking government positions that are unnecessary. That doesn't build anything. That's not what made this country great. Bureaucrats, and you're absolutely right. And it is a form of social welfare, because if you give someone a job

so they don't have to find their path, it's like I've always said, the greatest thing that ever happened to me when I was 21 years old, I played the lottery once. I won a free ticket. I played it again. I won nothing. And then I was done. I said, I quit. That's it. What if I was 21 and broke and scared and lost and I won the lottery? That would have been the worst curse ever. I would have never found my way in life. And if you get some shitty fucking easy government job that you can't get fired from, and then that becomes your life, well, guess what? You're not going to find your place either, man.

No. You're just going to, it's a form almost of social welfare. It is. We need less, less of everything. I agree. And that's why a guy like Ron Paul is on the fucking money, man. Amen. That bad motherfucker.

I love that guy. Oh, he's the best. And the other guy, Gary Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico, same thing. Stanhope had a great point. He said, I like him. He goes, same sense, less Jesus. But I don't mind. I don't mind Ron Paul's Jesus.

I don't mind any of it. Because the way he talks is the way, in my mind, is America. What my mind is, there's an ideal. He believes in personal freedom and responsibility. Right. And allowing people to make their own choices. And makes the call on what is really going on. And why we're invested in all these different parts of the world and what we're really doing. He's honest about it.

And he's saying this is not what America should be all about. And he says that all the time. This is not what this Constitution was supposed to mean. This is not what our founding fathers wanted. This is supposed to be the best example possible of what you can do with a society. This is 2011. We've learned from the Greeks. We've learned from the Romans. We learned from the Nazis. We learned from everybody. We've got it down, but we don't, we don't. And we don't. And it's transparent how we don't.

It's all there. Every time like Obama recently passed some fucking new law about genetically modified food and it's going to fuck over all these organic farmers, man. And this shit's been going on for a while. Monsanto is involved with a lot of fucking creepy shit, man. And the government is behind all this. There's a good book, though, about that. And we're, again, when you talk about technology, Monsanto and these other companies that do genetic engineering, the only way we're going to feed the growing population is through genetic engineering.

Now, there's a good way to do it. There's a bad way to do it. Obviously, it comes with risks. It also comes with a great deal of promise. But genetic engineering is in all of your future, whether you like it or not. The real problem isn't... You don't have the soil to farm organically and feed all the people in Africa, for example, and et cetera, et cetera.

Right. But isn't the real... I mean, the real problem is sustainability. But the real problem is also that you get to own that. You own a plant. And Monsanto is inherently, they're trying to, first of all, they tried to patent pigs. Do you know that? There's going to be a lot of that, and they're going to figure this out in the courts.

But the bottom line is this. One thing that, one of the promises of genetic engineering is that we will maybe never have to use any pesticides. And if you want to talk about agricultural runoff, that's one of the biggest forms of pollutants in all our waterways. So, for example, if you could come up with a kernel of rice, an apple that requires no spraying because in it, it has genes that are not only incredibly nutritious, but that can ward off any kind of a pest.

That's something that is going to be in our future. It doesn't come with risks. Are there problems? Do I feel weird about taking the gene of a jellyfish and putting it into a strawberry because it actually keeps it from freezing so you can ship it farther? Yes. Yes. This is where Adam Carolla would come in.

What we got here, it's going to be great in about 10 years. Right now, you don't want to get in on the ground floor. You don't want to get in here with all this genetic engineering. You want to wait. And he's, that's what he would do.

Oh, by the way, we told him that you, what you said to him about the improv. He actually repeated it. Yeah. He repeated it to us and said that he was,

it was the happiest he'd ever been. And you made him so happy. And I concurred. I said, you know, I brought it up. I said, Brian Callen said this, and I think he's absolutely right. He's the best at, like, tying together these long rants and making them work.

It's pretty amazing. If I listen to him, I can get him. I could start doing Adam Cole in my act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a, you know, one of those things. Hank. Yeah. Kind of that smarty kind of Norm MacDonald.

He's an interesting guy, man. I really like him. Smart guy. He's very smart, kind of Norm Macdonald. He's an interesting guy, man. I really like him. Smart guy. He's very smart, and he's very smart in a very unique and interesting way. My buddy boxes for that. He's very honest. He's got heavy hands. Really?

Yeah, he's a good boxer. You see the movie, The Hammer? No. It's all about him being a boxer. Well, I know he's, you know. He's fought in the ring. Yeah, he's apparently, he was a boxing trainer for a long time, too. That's how he made a living in Hollywood.

Yeah, he's a good dude, man. I really like that guy a lot. Yeah, he's he's apparently he was a boxing trainer for a long time too that's how he made a living in hollywood yeah he's a good dude man i really like that guy a lot he's a great guy he's a a very unusual thinker and and an unabashed gearhead i love that too you know yeah he loves cars man i i hate when people pretend like i've read on some guy's thing you know he's shitting on someone for being middle-aged and and buying a sports car that it was you know, such a, you know, midlife crisis sort of a thing. And I was like, God, what a silly way to look at that. How come he's not, how come he's not just enjoying a car? You can never make fun of anybody who's a gearhead because it's a passion. It doesn't have to be anything rational or logical about it. It's a passion.

Some people are born with the wrenching gene. With the wrenching gene. I was forced to have the wrenching gene, and I don't like it. I'd rather have somebody else do it. I have the driving gene, but I want someone who knows what the fuck they're doing to fix my shit. You have the driving gene. You've always loved cars. I love cars.

Well, first of all, I'm a technology fanatic. I'm obsessed with it. I've always been obsessed with any new gadget. I remember the first time I saw Pong, I was obsessed with it. I couldn't believe that someone had figured out a way to make this move something on the TV. You were one of the first people I ever met who had email and stuff.

What's this email thing? I had a computer in 94 and I didn't send an email to anybody until like 98. Nobody had fucking email, man. Now I hardly ever talk to any of my friends. Me, Patton Oswalt and I have been going back and forth on Twitter. I'm supposed to call him, but I'm like, God, I actually have to call somebody and make a call.

You can go back and forth. Talk about a funny dude. I love his writing. He's one of my favorite guys as far as taking a premise and just beating the shit out of it and going in all sorts of weird ways with it. He's a really interesting guy. I like him a lot.

He was a writer on MADtv when I first started. Was he really? Yeah, he was part of the original cast. I enjoy his CDs, I think. He's my favorite guy to listen to. I would come in and he'd have sketch ideas on the wall and one was just explosive diarrhea and then the other was feeling kind of rapey.

When we were doing the Man Show, that was one of the most fun things, is to put a bunch of ideas and try to make them. Do you do that? I do that with my writing. Do you do that? See, I have a little board up there. I do that with my act now, and I take a photo of it on my iPhone,

and then when I'm in a hotel room and I want to go over my notes, I just look at the photo. And you can expand it, so I move it it around and it's easier than turning pages. So it's, you know, technology, man. It's making it all easier. But I think writing something down and like putting it up there for you. There's something about creating when you write things down and then put it in like a little box and then stick the box on the wall and then step back and look at it. It's like instead of like being on top of it writing it and being immersed in the words

to sit put it on the wall and step back any really really successful screenplay writer i've ever spoken to does exactly that they never sit down and write really one really wow from alan ball who i talked to who wrote american beauty who i talked to about how he starts his scripts and stuff and he said character but you, but any of those guys, all of them, Todd Phillips, they outline the shit out of it. They see it up on a board,

and I don't know one director or one writer, certainly not one screenplay writer, not one who makes a fortune, who's a successful screenplay writer, a professional who doesn't do that. I just started doing it recently. I've been writing forever. It's the way to do it.

That's why a lot of people write a screenplay, and then they just end up running out of steam, or it just started doing it recently. I've been writing forever. It's the way to do it. That's why a lot of people write a screenplay and then they just end up running out of steam or it just doesn't quite work. There's a real sort of structure and technique to writing. You see even novelists. Novelists will lay it out, man. I mean, John Irving

for his last book took seven years to write that book. Seven. Think about the act of faith that would require. Because it had to be thematic. He created these characters very autobiographical. What was the book? A Year in Mystic River. One Year in Mystic River, I believe it's called.

What is it about? It's very autobiographical about... Sucking cock? No. John Irving is. John Irving is. Excuse me, sir. It took him seven years.

It's always about blowing dudes by the river. Have you ever read Black Cops? Imagine he turns this in. This is his magnus opus. Have you read any of his books? No, never. Oh, dude, I can't believe

you haven't read John Irving. You know what, dude? I kind of stopped reading fiction a long time ago. I started reading some Joe Hill recently. Stephen King's brother. I'm reading it again.

Yeah, I started reading it again because it's fun. And I realized I was reading too much creepy shit. It was almost like what I was talking about. I'm writing a whole bit about it in my act now, about the apocalypse. It's here, but it's not here. You know what I mean?

What I said earlier, the way I phrased it was the first time I ever phrased it that way, that it's here and it's not here. But I'm writing this whole big chunk about that. And so it's forcing me. I'm constantly reading all this nutty fucking shit about the world and I'm like, god damn it, this is not that fun. You can freak out about fucking super massive black holes

and super volcanoes and you can freak out about the shifting of the polar ice caps and it really doesn't make life any more interesting. But if a good werewolf movie comes out, you know, life is fun for like a fucking hour and a half. You know what I'm saying? If you pick up a good Joe Hill of Stephen King's son and he's a, he's a horror writer as well. Yeah. Yeah. He's good, dude. He's good. I got, I read just, I'm almost done with heart shaped box.

A great fucking scary. It's about a guy who is a rock and roll star, like some creepy Marilyn Manson who buys this, uh, dead guy's suit online because it's haunted. It comes with a ghost, and he thinks he's being accused, so he buys this dead guy's suit. I don't want to say any more about the plot because the plot is brilliant, like how it's all established and set up, but it's a fucking page-turner, and it's so much more fun than reading a Michael Rupert book

about the collapse of civilization. You want to smoke and cigarettes in a collapse documentary. Have you ever watched... You want to shit your pants? Watch that collapse documentary have you ever watched you want to shit your pants watch that collapse documentary what is that it's Michael Rupert he's this guy

used to be a former LA cop who busted the CIA selling drugs in LA neighborhoods and went public with it and eventually left the police force and was told

that he was supposed to let these people go when he caught them and he's you know very very vocal about it always worried he's going to get assassinated well that started

this downward spiral of doubt and doom, and now this guy, he's got a whole fucking documentary where he's sitting there smoking cigarettes, talking about how the society, we're going to run out of oil, and society's going to