The Joe Rogan Experience - #1082 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: February 21, 2018

Greg Fitzsimmons is a writer and stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast “FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify. http://www.gregfitzsimmons.com/

Do do do do do do do do Another episode of the Richard Jenny fan club He's he's a guy that I've been telling forever is probably the most underrated stand-up in the history of stand-up I think he's like one of the all-time grades and he's got a body of work because he did a one-hour back before everybody Was doing one-hour specials every year. He was doing that shit back in the 90s Oh, yeah on Showtime Show one. Like when I was just starting out. So I think it was like 89 or 90, somewhere around the way, he had a Showtime special. Yeah. And then he had a bunch of HBO. Plotipus, man. Yep. He had a bunch of

HBO specials. But the last one that he did before he died in 2007, that is his masterpiece. Really? Yeah. It's called steaming pile of me and i was listening to it one night coming home from a club and just laughing out loud in the car and clapping clapping in the car like god damn this guy was good yeah he was so good i mean he was one of those guys that dressed he put on a sharp outfit and pleated pants. You know, really fucking corny, like 90s looking, you know, the collar with no, you know, the rounded priest collar shirts. Well, he was from Bensonhurst. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah.

It's the old school Guinea mentality. Right, right. From Brooklyn. Yeah. And he would give you, I can remember like at least three times he would call me an hour after my set and give me taglines to bits. Wow. Yeah. And they were fucking good. He was almost like on the spectrum with that.

Yeah, totally. He wouldn't look you in the eye. He'd be like looking down and he'd go really fast and talk with his hands. Yeah. And he'd go really fast and talk with his hands. Yeah. And I think he, obviously, if people don't know Richard Jenney, sadly committed suicide in the end. And what was tough for him was that he was that good, and he never really broke through.

He had a sitcom, short-lived sitcom, called Platypus Man that was on, like, one of those UPN channels. Yeah. And after that, it was like he was a guy who used to fill up his book in january you know he was he was on the road 45 weeks a year and you know making you know 100 grand on corporate dates 50 grand on corporate dates yeah with you know 15 of those a year yeah i'm sure he was living well but but he didn't enjoy it. Yeah. And to us, he was a hero. Yeah. Like, I remember seeing him at Eastside Comedy Club in New York, and it was me and Joey Cola

and a couple other guys. I only saw one set, but, God, I forget who the host was, but the host said he did a different hour all four shows no shit and i went what wow i was so humbled because i was like i don't even have i had 20 minutes back then i was like what how did he do that how can he do that right and they were like he's the best yeah he's but it was a weird thing it's like he came along before netflix because if he was around today and people got to see his Netflix special, it's just one of those things that would have caught on. Right.

But in the HBO specials, you were either home when it aired or you weren't. You know, there was no DVRs back then. Yeah. Maybe, maybe set up the VHS tape to record. Maybe. Yeah. I could never figure out how to fucking get that thing to record when I wasn't there oh no I couldn't know the timer you'd end up

recording like days of our lives or something golden girls bunch of old twats being written it was a bunch of old women and the scripts are written by old Jewish guys you know I just saw menopause jokes he's one of the saddest cases to me because I just don't think that I don't know like how many friends he had like in comedy. I know he's really good friends with Chris rock. Yeah. And he worked with Chris a lot. Like he was like a punch up guy for Chris a lot,

but I don't, I don't, you know, I don't know if anybody was there to just be as, I think that's a big thing for us. Cause we're so like, I think comics are some of the weirdest fucking people, but I gravitate towards them.

Like I've always said, if I run into a comic at the airport, I'm like, Oh look, it's one of us. You know, it's just, we're weird.

It's a weird job. We're weird people. We're all crazy. I've never met one of us that isn't crazy. And I think sometimes we need each other to go yeah it's all right you're all right everybody loves you man like yeah going to the comedy store for me is definitely like a therapy session i feel and it's partly it's that you're performing and you're getting the positive feedback and part of it is that you're running into people. And I mean, it could be anybody. It could be an Asian female comic.

It could be a fat, could be Don Barris, like the spectrum of different types. But like you said, there's something that there's a thread that runs through all of it, which is like this, this feeling that like MMA, we're going to get in the ring. We are, we are going to face an audience at some point that night. And there's a charge to that. Like there's a fear. I don't care who the fuck you are. You can deny you're afraid when you go on stage. It's in there somewhere.

We've just gotten so good at dealing with it that it doesn't show. And sometimes we're not even aware of it. And if it's not there, that means you're probably not taking any chances. That's not good. Because then you'll have that dull thing going on stage then you'll bomb and then you'll really have fear yeah when you're doing jokes that you think are killer and they're just eating plates of shit up there because you don't have anything left in you yeah like last night it's just murderers row man i'm walking in and fucking bobby lee's crushing and then chris dElia's crushing, and then I go up and Theo Vaughn's crushing, and then it's fucking Ian Edwards smashing.

That's like, good Lord, what a lineup. Yeah, right. And you're hugging everybody. I'm hugging Dom Barris. I see him. I hug Whitney Cummings. I see her. Everybody's just like, it's just this big camaraderie place.

Yeah, yeah. We're so lucky. Yeah, we survived. You know, and there's so many guys that I came up, you know, we came up with guys

that I would have, I was competitive when I started out and there was guys I had bad blood with and I see those guys now and they're like my brothers because we went through it together.

Yeah. I know, the competitive thing, I've talked about that a lot, like I had to give that up. I had that when I was a kid, when I was like 21 ish, because it was still left over from the martial arts days, martial arts competition. Then I like, I would want people to do bad.

And then I realized that God is so stupid. Like that has zero effect on me. Like when they're up there, if they're doing good, that'll just make me better. It'll just make me work harder. Yeah. But if they do bad, like that's the thing that some comedians do. They will take a terrible comic on the road with them so they can look like a hero. It's a common thing, right?

It's called stacking the deck. Yeah. Like they'll stack the deck. They'll have like just some torturous act for half an hour and then they go up and look like a monster. Yeah. And that's not the way to do it i don't think i think the way to do is the opposite just have a bunch of murderers on in front of you

and have fun with it yeah and everybody have fun yeah i think that you i love i mean there's i don't like going on after delia there's like one or two guys that i just don't like going on after. And, but in general. Why don't you like going on after Deleuze? I just feel like he's so physical and big. And that doesn't really, it shouldn't affect me. But I just feel like when he gets off, the crowd is just like in this mode of like euphoria. And it's kind of like, all right,

I'm going to take it down a couple notches and just talk and i feel like sometimes that's my weakness that i can't adjust to that joey diaz same thing oh it's just like the room is just they got to put their socks back on and you're up there and i and i'm writing dry shit i'm trying to be a little ironic and they're just looking at me like, you're small. You're insignificant. And all your insecurities start coming out sometimes.

And I've beaten that. You come up in New York and you can't be like that because you're going on after Attell and Louis and whoever. And so I came to terms with trying to realizing that you don't ride the wave. You let the wave settle and you start your own wave. And I would make that mistake early on as I'd come up then and I'd jack up my energy and I, and it wasn't me. And then it would falter.

Yeah, that is, that is true. You have to bring the audience to you. Yeah. Yeah. And the one, the best place to learn how to do that is the OR. Right. Because first of all, you only have 15 minutes and there's all these other guys that have 15 minutes too, and they go on these rides. So everybody's going on a new ride. Like, okay, we just got done with Magic Mountain or Space Mountain. Now we're going to go on this ride. It's a small world. Oh, small world's slower. Settle down. It's not as crazy. Where are all the lights? Like, you got to settle in. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a great fucking place for just figuring it out. Yeah. Working on your shit. I'm in this weird place right now with my act where I'm getting ready to film a special. How are you? So I'm hyper examining everything, going over everything with a fine tooth comb. But the problem with that is you go over everything too much and then it starts

getting real blurry. Like, what am I looking at? What is this? And you start landing. I find that I start landing on the punchlines too hard. Instead of talking it out. Instead of like the more I do it, the more I know, alright, this is where they laugh.

And I sort of stick it too much instead of flowing. Yeah. And so when you do the special, it's almost like you got to take a little time off before you do it. Yeah, there's a number of sets you do where you're in the groove and it's tight and everything feels good. And then there's a number that you do too much and everything gets kind of flat. Yeah. You got to find that. Right.

What is that? Right. What if they have that in other things? Like if that's, it must be the case with bands, right? When they tour, they must get so sick of fucking singing the same song over and over and over and over again.

I mean, I saw the Beach Boys recently and they fucking love it. Really? They love being up there. You know, you can see it you can feel it you know i think it goes to another level i think it becomes a communication with the fans with bands that we don't necessarily have the same thing right it's like for them it is a very communal experience that's happening and with us it's more like we're gonna dominate you for an

hour right we're gonna take control of this room. You're going to listen to everything we say. We're going to bring you up, take you down, insult you, bring you back in. You know, crowd work. There's like a whole thing, but it's all being orchestrated by you. Yeah. Yeah, and another thing we were talking about, about traveling to places. Like, the further you go, the harder it is to get there, the more happy they are to see you. Yeah, right. That's an interesting phenomenon. like that the further you go the harder it is to get there the more happy they are yeah right

that's a that's an interesting phenomenon like if you could do it like i was saying that ari and i did a gig in anchorage alaska a few years back it was fucking amazing yeah you get up there in this weird town you know and the coolest fucking people you ever been anchorage no dude crazy we've got up there and uh i'm expecting i going to see people covered in fur, and everything's going to be covered in snow, and they'll be riding dog sleds everywhere and shit. No. They were so normal.

I drove by this group of people holding up signs that said, Honk for diversity. Oh, no shit. Yeah, like they're holding rainbow flags up and shit. Do they have diversity? Yeah. Yeah. No shit. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a real shit. Do they have diversity? Yeah. Yeah. No shit.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, I mean, it's a real city. I mean, it's small. Yeah. How many people do you think live in Anchorage? If you had to guess. 20,000.

I'm going to go with 50. 50 people? Yeah. No, 50,000. 300,000. 300,000. No shit. Wow.

Wow. No shit. That's huge. Yeah,000? No shit. Wow. Wow. Shit, that's huge. That's three times the size of Boulder. That's really big. I was in Juneau. I remember I was in Juneau and there was a Burger King. And I was like, what the fuck is a Burger King doing in the middle of Alaska? And then there were bald eagles going through the dumpster and picking at fucking Big Macs.

I was like, here's a symbol of America right here. That's the first time I've ever seen an eagle live. It was in Alaska. That's a weird animal to look at. I know. It's a weird animal to pick for your bird, too. Like, it's our national animal. Yeah.

A ruthless fucking evil raptor. Yeah. That comes out of the sky out of nowhere and kills. Ugh. Yeah. You know, they say that there was an eagle

at one point in time that they think was preying on early humans. No shit. Yeah. They think that there's been some giant raptors in the past

and they found some old primate bones, some old ancient, you know, ancestors of human beings that had what looked like claw marks on their skulls. Their brains had been picked out of their skull and clawed out. Yeah.

There was an eagle like that in New Zealand. It was called the Haast eagle. It was an enormous eagle in New Zealand, like way bigger than any of the eagles that we have alive today. They think it might have jacked a few people. Wow. Well, Colorado, I'm sure when you lived out there, people, you can't leave your dog outside. No.

My dog got eaten there. Oh, no shit. Yeah. I had a bit about it in my act. No shit. Yeah. My littlest dog. What kind of dog was it?

He was a Pomeranian American Eskimo mix. That's a decent sized dog, right? No, he was real little. Oh. He was like this big. He was like maybe 30 pounds. Tiny little guy. Yeah.

He got jacked. Did you see him get jacked? No, but we saw the cat hanging around the property. We saw the cat in the area. And then there was definitely evidence that something had gone down. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah. It happens all the time one of the things they found in california is because california has a lot of mountain lions that live on the outskirts of cities they purposely hang around the outskirts of cities and come into town at night and eat people's dogs and cats and they found that when they examined the contents they expected it to be way more like rabbits and deer and shit like that. But it was half domestic house cats and dogs. Yeah. Half of their diet. Because they're easy.

Yeah. They're the fatted calf. Well, also, they can just jump over everything. Yeah. I mean, any fence you have. They're over it, grab your dog, and they're so powerful. They could take your dog over the top of the fence. Yeah, right.

Fucking nuts. Shit. Yeah. your dog and they're so powerful they could take your dog over the top of the fence yeah right fucking nuts shit yeah i came home one day and there was a possum in the driveway and the crow you know fucking are they ravens or crows in la those giant black birds that's a good question i don't know what the difference is because i said they were crows and my friends like no those are ravens and uh they're they're big i mean they're a good two feet long yeah and it was on top of a possum and it was fucking picking it apart and the thing was alive the possum was alive what yeah really and so i uh so i tried to scare this this uh blackbird away and he looked at me like i'm not going anywhere i got a fucking possum here and so i got a broom and i like pushed him away he took off yeah he let you get that close you could touch oh yeah he wasn't leaving the possum here. And so I got a broom and I like pushed him away. You hit him? Yeah. He let you

get that close so you could touch him? Oh yeah. He wasn't leaving the possum. Wow. And then he stood like 12 feet away and I got a shoe box and I put the possum in it. But the possums, they hiss at you. They open their mouths and they just go like, ssss. And they got vicious teeth. You got to be really careful with them. But I got it in the shoebox, and I called Animal Services, and they came and got it. Look at you out there saving possums. That's right. I love possums.

Do you? You got a thing for them? Yeah, they're cute as shit. I love them. And they're just so mysterious. You know, they come out at night. Yeah, like where are they hiding in the day? One of them used to sleep, and I had some shrubs on the side of my lawn,

and if you looked inside, you could see them hanging upside down. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, that's right. They hang. Yeah. What a fucked up animal. I know. Have you ever seen a Quattamundi?

Never even heard of it. A Quattamundi is an animal that's in South America, and a friend of mine was telling me he ran into one, or I was listening to his podcast, rather. He ran into one of them in Arizona. And that it looks like a bear fucked a monkey. It looks like a half bear, half monkey. Look at that thing. Oh, shit. Look at that.

How cool is that thing? And it's a climber. Yeah, dude. Well, they're big. They're like 40 pounds. Wow. And they're predatory. And he was making noises.

He was deer hunting, and this thing came running out of the woods. He was trying to call it by making, like, wounded animal sounds, like... And this thing, like... It came running out of the grass, looking at him.

Look at that thing. Look at his fucking teeth. Whoa. What a crazy little animal. Like a wolverine. I didn't even know that existed. I had no at that thing. Look at his fucking teeth. Whoa. What a crazy little animal. Like a wolverine. I didn't even know that existed. I had no idea that thing existed. I mean, it does look like it's

a member of the badger family. When you look at its face. But then it has a tail. Like a big, crazy long tail. But the teeth look like orangutan teeth. The way they curve in sharp. I didn't even know that was a real thing. Apparently, there's a lot of them in South America,

and then in the United States, they are expanding their range in Arizona. Wow. Yeah. The way you spell it is C-O-A-T-I-M-U-N-D-I, Cuatamundi. Isn't that a Spanish-speaking channel? It was actually coming up like that, Cudamundi. Oh, interesting. Yeah, the K.

But people spell it with a C in America. Yeah, I went with your phonetic spelling. I typed it in actually with a Q, and this is what came up was the K-U-A-D-A. Interesting. I think, how is it spelled in that other one? If you scroll down, that one we just looked at? C. I think you spell it with a C.

Yeah, I think that's how you spell it. C-O-A. Yeah. Whatever. It's awesome. And people apparently, the game and fish department in Arizona, they get calls all the time where people are like, there's a monkey running around in the woods. I saw a monkey. Yeah. But it's that thing. If that's Arizona, that could just be a racist calling. that thing that if that's arizona that could just be a racist calling arizona's this weird place yeah arizona is uh incredibly um interesting in its climate right like you've got desert and then you have like some of the craziest forest you have all kinds of weird shit they're like they're incredibly diverse wildlife population in arizona yeah right. Big-ass birds. Big-ass birds and deer and elk and all kinds of weird shit.

Crazy mountain rising. Like you're in the middle of Phoenix and you got those fucking giant cliffs sticking right up in the middle of the city. Great hiking. I did that one time. They have an influx of jaguars now. Oh, there's a quadamunday. Jaguars? Yes, they're moving in from Mexico.

Look at that fucker. This thing says they make good pets, too, apparently. Really? Yeah, it says you can train them. Whoa. Pull those fucking teeth out first. I'm pretty sure we saw one of those in Costa Rica, and my daughters were calling it a kinkachu. They made up a name for it,

but he was just hanging out near this resort in Costa Rica. Yeah. Look at these little fuckers, just chilling. Oh, they got long tongues. So cute. Oh, they're anteaters too, I bet. I bet they fucking eat everything. Yeah.

I mean, it's hard out there. Look at them. Just hopping up there. No fucking way. Oh my God, the guy's petting it. That is crazy. These are wild. Oh, okay, that's a resort.

See, that's kind of like what I experienced in Costa Rica. These things would just come by and hang out. What a cool looking fucking animal. Look at that guy's belly. The nachos in front of him. Yeah.

South America, it's crazy how like if you've gone to South America. Have you ever gone to South America? No. Oh, yeah, Chile. The wildlife there is just incredible. Costa Rica has all these different kinds of monkeys.

Oh, no, we went to Costa Rica. They have howler monkeys and those other little smaller monkeys. Yeah, we had howler monkeys, right? There was like a one, because it's the rainforest, and we had a one-mile, mile like path that went around the house that we were renting and you had these howler monkeys would go right above you yeah scream no fear there was fucking dogs everywhere we had like two dogs that just were they must have come at the house they were just there and you feed them and they follow you everywhere oh wow and then you drive up and there's a the black river i think it's called and it's right on the border of um

nicaragua and uh they've got those caimans you know those little alligators yeah and you take a boat through these like waterways and i mean it is filthy with caiman they're fucking everywhere wow it was so scary we were we were just like paddling through them they have real crocodiles in uh costa rica they have They have real crocodiles in Costa Rica. They have those big ass crocodiles. Oh, do they? Yeah, we went on a tour and they take you on a boat and they take you like pretty close to these things. But I'm freaking the fuck out.

I'm like, if one of my kids falls overboard, they're dead. Right. And you're just on this little boat, you know. And these people are so relaxed about like safety and shit. It's so not Disneyland. It's so not America. What's not america did you go to you go to the middle part like lake arenal with the volcano we went to a couple different spots okay but we went up to the rainforest and did the zip line oh yeah yeah which is a mile long yep

and i'm like who the fuck is checking this yeah who's making sure that this is the the stability of this line is intact right yeah and they had this uh they have this volcano that's in um i forget they well it's late lake arenal is the area and they've got these uh this hot springs and there was like 14 pools that went up a hill and you could you could swim in each one and the bottom was like cold and the top one was so hot it was practically boiling whoa so you could just kind of work your way up into each one and then uh and then this uh you know this woman comes up to me and she goes you want a massage and i was like yeah so we go out to this little like uh it's it's off to the side and there's like a little there's sheets around a bed and and i'm laying there and i'm

like this is fucking great you know and then all of a sudden i hear my mother's voice and she had gotten solicited and she was getting a massage like six inches from me and i'm stark naked getting rubbed by this beautiful costa rican woman and i can hear my mother who doesn't stop talking for the entire massage for the thick bronx accent so how long you been here for? You from here? That's a relaxation crusher. Yes.

You just want to just melt into the rainforest and just get rubbed on. Just look down through that little horseshoe with your face in it and look at those little Costa Rican feet. Those brown, rounded little toes. You and the feet thing. Oh, that's so weird. Massages are fucking weird, man. Yeah. It's weird.

I mean, it's obviously, there's a physical aspect to it. Like, you want your muscles to be manipulated because it's very good for them, and you get loose some kinks and a lot of like weird stuff that's knotted up but there's also the pleasure aspect of it yeah right you know it's pleasurable right like it feels good to have someone touch you oh my god i mean your skin is your biggest organ and they talk about emotionally and psychically what it means to have skin to skin contact and for an hour somebody is devoting their skin to your skin. I mean, think about it.

You have sex with your wife. You're touching for, you know, 15, 20 minutes, one part of you, a little groping, you cry. But to have a sensual touch like that. Yeah, for an hour. Yeah. And also, like, the energy that you must get. Like, when you're a person who's doing that all day, like, you're putting out a lot of energy.

Yeah, right. And you're getting energy from those people. Yeah. Like, some people must feel weird. Yeah, I've talked to masseuse who say that they have to discharge energy after a massage. They do. And these are more like touchy-feely kind of messages. Crazy crystal people. Yeah.

Yeah. The one that she would put crystals in my belly button, and then my arm would be down, and she would hold my arm and tell me to raise my arm to see what the pressure was, and then she could tell by that which herbal remedies I needed for my allergies. Oh, Christ.

Jesus Christ. There's so many of these people out there so fucking crazy right and then it works and you're like what the fuck it worked i i guess you can believe anything how did it work i she gave me allergies it's these herbs because i was like just fucking sneezing non-stop and i stopped sneezing and you know what that that um that what do you homeopath they take like a barrel of distilled water and then they'll put in like a mint leaf and like a couple other herbs and then they just take the bottle and they fill it with that water. And that's homeopathic remedy. Most of them are like that diluted. Yeah, a lot of it's bullshit.

I remember somebody gave me Arnica once. What's that? It's like some little pills. They're little tiny, tiny little, almost like little things that dissolve in your mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. It tastes like sugar. Right.

I go, this is sugar. And someone's like, no, there's sugar in it. I go, well, why is there sugar in it? It's supposed to be medicine. Sugar's not good for you. What the fuck is this? And it was homeopathic. It was some sort of homeopathic remedy.

I'm like, okay, do I have to believe this stuff works for it to work? Is it one of those things? Because that's a real thing. Right. You know? Well, what do you say to people who don't think that vitamins are helpful? Well, that's silly. There's a lot of studies that show that vitamins are healthy. But there's a lot what do you say to people who don't think that vitamins are helpful? Well, that's silly. There's a lot of studies that show that vitamins are healthy.

But there's a lot of studies that say they're not. Yeah. Not really. I mean, too much vitamins, excessive vitamins doesn't make any sense. But the studies that show that vitamins are beneficial, they're pretty specific. They're pretty specific in terms of like, if you get your blood work done, right? For instance. And you are short. A lot of people are short of

vitamin D. Vitamin D is a big one. Vitamin B is also a big one. B, B12. Which is the one you get from the sun? That's D. That's D, right? D3 is a good one too. And that one's good for muscle development. A lot of other functions. There's a lot of shit that vitamins are good for. Fish oil is fantastic. It's very good for muscle development and a lot of other functions. There's a lot of shit that

vitamins are good for. Fish oil is fantastic. It's very good for reducing inflammation. There's a lot of supplements that are 100% legit, but there's a lot of doctors that don't know anything about nutrition. And it'll tell you, all you need is a balanced meal. Right. All you need is a balanced meal. Well, if you had a balanced meal, kind of, yeah. Yeah. If you really made sure that you ate a certain portion of vegetables, green, leafy, dark vegetables that have a lot of vitamins, and

if you made sure that you have the right amount of protein and... Fruit. Yeah. Fruit. Some fruit. You're not a big... You're not a proponent of eating too much fruit, right? Didn't you tell me, like... It's a lot of sugar in it. Like juices. Most juices are too high in sugar. Yeah. If you drink a big glass glass of orange juice your body has a really hard time differentiating that between a big glass of soda or fucking high c or some shit like that it's like if it has 30 grams

of sugar it has 30 grams of sugar and that's what it is it's 30 grams of sugar yeah the fact that it's coming out of an orange that's great but you're not supposed to drink it like that. An orange is supposed to be something you eat. And when you eat it, you get all the fiber, your body breaks it down slower. You're just getting this fucking main line of sugar right into your system. I drink a glass of orange, like if I go and I have breakfast with a big glass of orange juice, I fucking crash hard like an hour later. It's a big old insulin dump. Well, they just dump. I just read yesterday that there's a study now that losing weight is not about

caloric intake. It's all about sugar and processed foods. Crazy. Yeah. They say the amounts don't matter. You can eat way more than you think you can as long as you're eating the right shit. Well, Weight Watchers have completely changed the way they recommend food. Like, eggs

are zero points now. Oh, no shit. Joey Diaz and Brian Redband, Brian Redband's on it, too. He was telling me that eggs are zero points. Wow. Zero. You can eat as many eggs as you want. You can eat five eggs. Yeah. People used to say, well, eggs, cholesterol, well, it's terrible for you.

Fats and all this, nope. Nope. It's fucking great for you. Fats and all this. Nope. Nope. It's fucking great for you. Yeah. Sorry we lied. Forever. I was fucking reading to my kids a little while back. We had a Dr. Seuss book and it had the food pyramid. And I go, this food pyramid is bullshit. Like, what is this?

It's all fucking the bottom of it is all cereal. Yeah. It's all like cereal and bread. That's right. That's like the most important thing. What do you got here? All those zero point foods on the new list. Boneless, skinless chicken breast. Boneless, skinless chicken breast.

Boneless, skinless turkey breast. Ground lean chicken. Ground lean turkey. Thin sliced deli chicken breast. So it's all fish and shellfish. Wow. Yogurt. Does not include smoked or dried fish.

Huh. Why wouldn't it include smoked fish? That seems weird. Canned fish that is packed in water or brined. i.e. canned tuna, tofu, or smoked tofu. These are all like zero. Nonfat, plain, regular, and Greek yogurt. Nonfat ain't good for you. Nonfat anything is nonsense.

Eggs, plain soy yogurt. Fresh frozen and canned beans and lentils that are packed without oil or sugar. Yeah. Beans and lentils are huge. Yeah. If you could just eat all that stuff. Avocado's not on there.

I guess it's got some fat in it. Well, it's got healthy fats, right? Yeah. Avocado's unusual because it has mostly unsaturated fats, but it has saturated fats too. Yeah.

It's really good for you. Avocado's a fucking wonderful food wonderful i'm 155 pounds and but i had a fucking belly just because uh you know i was writing on crashing last year and they would have we'd have like five meals a day muffins being handed out and i put on six pounds and it all was in my belly just Just breads and processed shit and so January 1st I cut out all bread, all pasta, all sugar and I've been working out like five days a week and the belly just

fucking disappeared. You seem like you got some pep in your step. A little bit. A little bit extra, right? Ritalin also helps. Oh, that does it. And a lot of coffee. Do you ever get your hormones checked? No. No? You probably should. See if the testosterone level's there?

Yeah. You know, that's a major factor in depression. No shit. Major factor. Yeah. It's a major factor in people with head injuries. Yeah. People that have come back from war, that have been, you know, like a lot of IEDs, been

around a lot of explosions, been jolted a lot. Football players, of course, boxers, MMA fighters. They lose testosterone as they get older. You get pituitary damage. Your pituitary gland apparently is incredibly sensitive. And some people get it that are jet skiers. They're into jet skiing because just the bam, bam, bam. All that bouncing and head banging.

Right. Head banging is fucking terrible for you. My son plays soccer and he heads these. The goalie will kick the ball all the way down the field and then I'll see him head it and I'll be like, dude, just let it fucking bounce. That's heavy impact. It is.

Soccer players get it a lot. He got a concussion from heading against another guy once. He was out for like three weeks. They collided heads? Yeah god yeah your fucking head is so hard it's like running into another like a rock like a bone yeah someone could beat you to death with a head and you're whipping your head you're whipping your head at the ball so you're like both slamming into each other. Oh. Yeah. Oh. I played hockey my whole life, though, and never had any major. Well, my neck. I chipped a vertebrae in my neck.

That was the only thing that happened. How'd you do that? I was small, but I was a good skater because I grew up near a lake. So we just skated back before global warming. That lake froze at Christmas, and it went until March. We were out there every fucking day after school, all weekend. All we did was play ice hockey. So when I got to high school,

I was the only kid who could really skate backwards well. So the coach was like, you're on defense. I'm like, I'm 115 pounds. So he taught me how to check instead of usually check with your shoulder or your hip. He taught me how to check guys under the chin with the top of my head, which I got good at. And then I did it one time and just click. And I got an x-ray and they're

like, yeah, that's chipped. There's nothing we can do about it. And to this day, my tendons will get caught in my neck on that chip and it'll just lock up. Like once a year, it'll lock up for a couple days on me like the tendons rub against that area it's tendons or ligaments or whatever is right there around your uh vertebrae fucking necks dude yeah terrible there's such a terrible thing to injure you are there good exercises yeah for neck yeah i have a thing called the iron neck have you ever heard of it no oh it's fucking amazing it's there. I'll show it to you after the show. It's a halo. I put it on my head

and then I pump it up with air and the air locks it in place and there's a giant bungee cord that's on the end of it and I pull it back and the bungee cord is a 50 pound resistance but they make it lower. They make like several different weights of bungee cords. You pull it back till it's like fully pulled and then you can adjust

the resistance on the halo itself. And so you do these, like as you got to pull back, you turn like, and then I turn sideways and I do like 10 reps this way. And then I'll do sideways that way. And then I'll turn all the way behind and face the opposite direction and do 10 reps that way.

That's amazing. Yeah. And then you do Stevie wonders where you do like this and you do a bunch of different exercises. Can you imagine getting a girl to suck your dick with that thing on? Like she would wear it? She would wear it. Why would that be good?

Because the cord would be in the way? No, you run the cord between your legs. And then you put your penis in her mouth. Yeah, but your dick is going to rub up against the cord. I don't understand why you want to do that. That's the thing right there. Oh, I see. I got two of those.

I bought one for my house, too. I fucking love it. Wow. I love it. For jujitsu, it's so important. My neck got fucked up in jujitsu. Yeah. Where I was getting numb hands.

I had a bulging disc in my neck. And I think a lot of it came down to my neck, just getting just too much abuse and not being strong enough. Yeah. You know, so, so I love that thing. Yeah. That's why I've never done jujitsu. I've wanted to, but I know my neck would get fucked up immediately. Everything gets fucked up, but it's fun. Yeah. It's awesome. It's like your body's not going to make it. Yeah. It's like, how much abuse do you want to give it before it breaks? Totally. Uh, It's a good question. Yeah. You know? I mean,

Anthony Bourdain, that fucking savage, 58 years old, starts doing jiu-jitsu. Started. Started. No shit. Started. Wow. He's a badass. He's a maniac. Has he been on the show? Yeah, a long time ago. Wow. Yeah, so we always talk about doing it again, but... Yeah. He travels so fucking much,

man. That guy's everywhere i mean literally everywhere i love that show i when i'm on the road it's sometimes cnn will run a marathon in his shows i'll just sit there and watch everyone even when he's in the u.s it's always interesting he finds like he'll find like a pocket of cajun people that have like a you know 78 people in the family and they make this special kind of jambalaya. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's, he found his thing.

Yeah. He really did find his thing. Was he a musician before? What did he do? He's a chef. Oh, he's a chef. Yeah.

He's a chef. And he wrote a book called kitchen confidential. Yeah. And it was a really good book. And then after the book became successful, he started doing a show on the travel channel. Um, I think it might even been been called Kitchen Confidential.

Then did another show that was called No Reservations. And that's where I met him. I met him when he was still doing No Reservations. That's when he did. He did my show back when I used to do it in my house. And then I did his show. I did it recently, too. I did it recently in Montana.

We went pheasant hunting. No shit. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was awesome. Did he ever run in with drugs? He was a serious heroin addict. That's what I thought.

Yeah. But he kicked the heroin and still drinks the smoked pot. Still drinks. I know. That's amazing. Yeah. Well, he's, I mean, he figured out how to do it. Yeah.

But he works out every day. Yeah. He trains every day. I mean, he brings his jiu-jitsu gi with him everywhere he goes. He goes on the road. Like, when we were in Montana, he went to, we were outside of Bozeman, I think. Somewhere outside of Bozeman. So, he found a jiu-jitsu club in Bozeman and met them and just went there and trained with them during the day.

I was like, you're a fucking animal. Oh, shit. He's just addicted to it. He goes to, like like he was in croatia he told me it was in like i forget where it was but some asia type place some serbia it's one of them fucking albania like one of them crazy places and he said he was shitting out bone chips because these guys were just smashing them and i was like dude the fuck are you doing man they were old school carlson gracie top top control guys and they just were fucking crushing him he's like dude i'm shitting bone chips i'm like how are you doing yourself that's

amazing but he's like he's at an age where a lot of people would they would back off they would they would think oh my body's frail i'm gonna ride this off in the sunset he's like fuck you well all exercise is really sub sublimating pain on some level. I mean, even a light jog, you are in pain. And so you don't have to do it. I think you're doing it wrong. Oh, I'm always in pain. Are you really?

I feel like when I jog, I feel like, I feel afraid I'm going to die. And I think when people see me jogging, they think I'm running from something. Like I'm scared. Like that's the panic on my face. What hurts when you run? My back. I think the neck settled into my back. And I have slight scoliosis.

And then my wrists and ankles, for some reason, about a year ago, started to get sore. Like I can't do push-ups anymore. I had to buy those grips that you put on the ground because I can't put my hands flat. What part hurts? The whole wrist. All the ligaments in the wrist hurt. And they hurt.

Is it an overuse thing? Like it hurt from? No, because it's both of them. I don't know what I could have been doing with both of them. Have you tried doing it since you cut bread and everything out of your diet? I think it probably is better. It is i bet it is yeah that's the first thing a therapist told me physical therapist she got not a mental therapist like cut bread out yeah you got mental problems um no a physical therapist told me she was like you'd be surprised

if you cut bread out of your diet just inflammation just inflammation how much your back would feel better and your back would feel better and your neck would feel better. Right. I thought it was 100% horse shit. I was like, oh, this is like hippie chiropractor talk. Good luck. Yeah.

And then I did it. And I was like, oh, like everything feels better. Yeah. You don't realize that like that puffy feeling that you get in your face that I get. I get fat face if I eat too much bread and pasta. You start getting a little gut. But that's also in your joints, man.

That's everywhere. Everything's inflamed. It's all not good. Your body's like, what is this shit? And how do we get rid of this? It's fucking hard on the road not to eat bread, though. It's so hard to find a meal that doesn't have bread in it. Unless you want to eat some salad from Starbucks, some uninspired salad that was made by somebody

with a hairnet that was also making stale fucking, stale tasting muffins. They come out of the oven, they're already stale tasting. I was at a Starbucks recently and there was a plate out with, they put the muffin pieces while you're waiting yeah and so I I eat more than I should you know

you should probably just have one I think is the protocol and I have like three of them and this woman comes up she goes why are you eating my muffin it was hers

yes no and I go I go I'm so sorry I go let me buy you another muffin and and instead of going no i don't worry about she was like yeah so i bought her another muffin and she wasn't really like laughing about it or anything she was yeah that's hilarious yeah you were saying that i was like i

don't know that they do that oh fuck yeah they always do that coffee shops always do that but yeah but why was her muffin chopped up into little pieces that seems weird too Yeah, they always do that. What are you talking about? They don't do that. Coffee shops always do that. But not Starbucks. Yeah. But why was their muffin chopped up into little pieces? That seems weird, too. It was crummy. It was, you know, kind of pulled apart, crummy. Hmm.

Yeah. Okay. Seems weird. Have you ever gone to Cat's Deli in New York? Sure. Remember when they cut the pastrami for you? And the corned beef, and they give you a little piece? Yeah. And you're like, holy shit.

Like, while you're waiting, they chop it up and slide it forward on a plate. Best pastrami in the city. Yeah, we just looked it up the other day. That place started out in the 1800s. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, Largo was a half a block away.

So you stand up there, and I always stop and get a pastrami sandwich. There was a Largo in New York? Oh, no, Luna Lounge it was called. Oh, okay. Yeah. There's no place like that here except Cantor's. Cantor's is all right. I find their pastrami just doesn't have that tenderness that you get.

Second Avenue Deli in New York? Never been, I don't think. That's the best. Really? That in Kansas is the best, yeah. Yeah, I think Cantor's is good. I think it's the best in L.A. I do, too.

I just don't think it's that good. Well, you're just not going to, it's hard to get those immigrants to come all the way across and settle in and be successful out here and have a real spot. Right. But there's a lot of Jewish people out here. You'd think there'd be more. Like Jerry's Deli is good middle of the road.

Yeah. They have good chicken noodle soup. Right. But they don't have, it's like there's a difference between a real Italian restaurant in New York City and an Italian restaurant in Studio City. Yeah, right. They're just fucking different.

Yeah. There's just no getting around it. If you want to survive and you're like, I need it just to survive, you can have linguine with clams at some nice place in Studio City,

but it won't be the same. No. No, that place, was it Carmine's? What's, or Arturo's? It's a place on Mulberry Street that was the oldest

Italian restaurant in Little Italy and it just burned down. Dude, I remember when you lived in Little Italy in a mob-owned building. That's right. Yeah. Tony and Gladys were my landlords.

That's right. And they'd had the apartment. They raised their kids there. Wow. And they were like in their late 70s. And so their son Gregory, who was in construction and lived in Brooklyn now. Air quotes? Construction?

He's in construction. And so he bought them a condo around the corner because it was a six-floor walk-up. Wow. And so you can pull it up on the screen, 142 Mulberry Street. Explain to people that don't know what that means. That means you walk up six flights of stairs. Yeah, like with couches and shit. Yeah, right, right.

Well, all their furniture was there when I got there. They me keep and it was i'm not making this up plastic on the furniture and i found uh i found a an ease a phone eavesdropping thing like where you could record phone calls what in the drawer and um they i used to pay them the rent once a month not by check they They wanted cash. And it was George McDonald lived with me. And we would walk down the street, and Lauren Dombrowski. We'd walk down the street to Spring Street, go to their condo, and we'd give them, if it was $600, we'd give that to Gladys and Tony. Look at it right there.

Yeah, there we go. And they would make cappuccinos and cannolis. Wow. And we'd sit there and talk to them. And then Tony would go in the next room, and we'd give Gladys another $150, because that was her bingo money. And Tony don't need to know about that. Oh, that's right.

That's right. I remember that. What happened to Lauren Dabrowski? She passed away. No. Cancer. Oh, that's right. Yeah, she ended up as a big executive producer at MADtv for like 10 years. Really? Yeah, you know, Bobbi Lee, she ended up as a big executive producer at MADtv for like 10 years. Really?

Yeah, you know, Bobbi Lee, she sponsored a lot of people to get sober. I mean, I know a half a dozen people that she sponsored to get sober. Bobbi Lee is one of them. She was on a comedy team with... Yeah, a couple of broads? I don't remember what their name was. I think it was called a couple of broads. And who was the...

Oh, the other one was... Oh, what was her name? Fuck. Rick Jenkins used to date her. Yes, and she ended up doing a film. She moved out to Hollywood to make it. And about a year and a half later, this softcore porn came out. Hey!

With her in it, and she had the sickest body. Smoking. softcore porn came hey with her in it and she had a sick smoking and that was a VHS tape that got passed around that was greasy covered in DNA yeah but Lauren was a really sweet special person she was great yeah she's a very nice person yeah that's right I forgot that she passed away. I never ran into her. I ran into her once out here a long time ago, like more than 15,

16 years ago. Yeah. There is those comics that are that, like, Colin Quinn is one of them where just they have saved so many comics in trouble. It's amazing. Has he? Oh, yeah yeah he's a great guy yeah he helped uh well tried to help giraldo i shouldn't name people's names if it's program stuff but uh well some people are open about it yeah i think all comics are

becomes a part of your fucking act right right who who gets sober and doesn't start talking about it yeah that's like jesus christ why wouldn't you mind that? I think a lot of comics start in AA rooms. They get up and they qualify, which is when you speak in an AA room and they get laughs. Dave Fitzgerald. Oh, yeah. Remember Dave? Right.

Dave had a fucking one great joke. I remember this one great joke that he had about being in Catholic school and he did something wrong and the priest smacked him in the head and he goes, which is exactly how I think Jesus would handle it. And he just had this method of delivery. He was just a funny guy. He was one of those guys. You saw him on stage, you go, oh, this guy's going to be funny.

Oh, I mean, it's amazing. Some people, the deck is loaded. You walk on stage, he has this gravelly voice and this big square head. Yep. And he just said, yeah, as soon as, with that thick, I think he was from East Boston, that thick accent. And he was a fucking mailman. He was like a real blue collar guy.

And a lifetime of stories. Yeah. And he's a guy who became a fucking mailman. He was like a real blue-collar guy. And a lifetime of stories. Yeah. And he's a guy who became a pro real quick. Yes. I remember, like, being real impressed with him because he was, like, a little bit ahead of me. I was starting out as an open mic-er, and he was maybe a year ahead,

and he was starting to get work. And I'm like, this guy fucking took it seriously. Yeah. Because he was older. I think he was, like, 40 when he was getting to get work. And I'm like, this guy fucking took it seriously. Yeah. Because he was older. I think he was like 40 when he was getting started. And so he had his notebook and he was like really organized with his bits and he had like some philosophy

about like why he would take a pause and why he would rush this part and where he would take that part. And I was like, this guy's putting a lot of thought and effort into this. I remember going down to see Paula Poundstone perform at the Comedy Connection, and he was the feature act.

And he went up and as a feature got a standing ovation. I was like, holy shit. That doesn't happen. No, he was good. He got sick. He got sick and died as well. Yeah, right. And I think there's just a lifetime of drugs and alcohol just caught up to him, unfortunately.

And right when he was, you know, getting his shit together. Right, right. There were so many of those guys. I mean, how many guys did we start out with that were alcoholics or former alcoholics? Yeah. Fucking everybody. All of them. Yeah, and that was the thing about when you were an opener in Boston.

All of them. Yeah, and that was the thing about when you were an opener in Boston, it was like, the criteria Mike McDonald, and having to drive these guys out to wherever. And then you couldn't leave early because you were driving them home. They'd give you a few bucks for gas. And you were happy to do it. You're like, holy shit, I'm going to be in a car with Don. And so one time Nick's Comedy Stop called me up and they're like, you're working in Framingham. You got to drive the feature and the headliner out.

And I go downtown to pick them up in front of Nick's. And I've got a 1976 Volkswagen Rabbit, four cylinder rusted out floorboards and I get down there and it's Mike Sullivan Irwin who weighed about 300 pounds and

John Panette who was about 275 and they saw my car and they both started giggling like school girls. Like, we're going to fucking go to a gig in this car. So we packed them in. And I couldn't get the car going above like 40. So instead of taking the Mass Pike out west of Framingham, I had to take Route 9.

No way. The whole way. You couldn't get it past 40? I couldn't get it past 40 miles an hour. That's hilarious. Like you're carrying lumber on the roof i had fucking 800 pounds of humans in my car i remember mike sullivan i remember when he was mike sullivan they became mike sullivan irvin he's the first guy that i ever met that took

his wife's last name is that why yeah he was a feminist wow he was the first male feminist self-proclaimed male feminist that I ever met. Oh, that's hilarious. Very nice guy. Yeah, sweetheart. Super sweetheart of a guy. And that didn't work. He stopped doing comedy, right?

I think he died. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is a bummer podcast. This is a bummer of a podcast. I think he died as well. And John Panette died as well. Died as well, yeah. Yeah, that's why I'm glad you're doing cardio.

That's right. Well, you know, I'm 51 and my dad died at 51 of a heart attack, so I take that shit seriously. Eating right and exercising. Yeah. I mean, he also smoked three and a half packs a day and was an alcoholic, so it was different circumstances. It is crazy how much of that shit is genetic, you know? Yeah. And I've always admired that you figured out when we were really young.

I mean, when I met you, you quit. And, you know, we were both in our early 20s. Yeah. And you were like, fuck this. Right. I'm not going down that road. And you didn't need anything. You didn't need Alcoholics Anonymous.

You're like, no, I'm not doing it. I did some therapy. That helped. I just needed to realize that once I realized that, and I had gone to Al-Anon because of my dad, adult child of alcoholic meetings, which helped me a phenomenal amount just to realize that it's a disease and that you're powerless to it. And that for me, I was able to apply what i learned in there because i went to a couple aa meetings and in boston it was like guys would get up and they were like and then i blew a guy for a sandwich and i passed out the fucking dump and they you

know it's like i couldn't relate i mean my thing was like i fucked a fat chick you know that was my bottom i had a three-way with a couple of girls who were as fat as John Panette. And so I could, but I read the literature of the 12 steps, and it helped me because it made me realize that when I wanted a drink, something was going on. And to this day, I just have that reaction. I know that I still want to drink all the time, but when I really want to drink, I stop and I go, all right, what's stressing you out? What do you need to deal with? And then I just kind of focus on it. Yeah, there was – when I was a kid, my dad was an architect, and so I worked on a lot of construction sites.

And I met a lot of junkies, a lot of junkies. A lot of people on construction sites are either alcoholics or drug addicts. And there was this one guy that I really liked. He was a funny guy, man. Really funny guy, and he's in a band. His name is Robbie. Funny fucking dude. Loved hanging around with him.

But just couldn't stay off the coke. Wow. Couldn't stay off the coke. And you could totally tell. And he'd be honest about it, too. See how he went off the rails. And we would be honest about it, too. See how he went off the rails. And, you know, we would be working together. He was a carpenter, and I was, you know, like a laborer.

So I was like an apprentice. And so he'd be, you know, talking to me while he was explaining to me how to do things and stuff like that. And he's like, yeah, you know, I'm just fucking tired of this. I'm getting my shit together. The band's getting back together again. We're writing songs and this and that. And then he'd come in Monday looking looking like shit just looking like shit real grumpy didn't want to talk had a headache yeah and you know and he didn't met it you know went off the rails

the saddest thing is that when you first start doing drugs and i don't know about you but i i had a phenomenal time doing cocaine you know i mushrooms and all the stuff I did as a teenager was like, I never got hooked on it. And if you do it, you know, maybe I did coke 50 times without ever getting hooked. It's a blast. That's the best kept secret. But then once you get hooked, you're not even having fun anymore. You're just maintaining. You're just feeding it so you don't crash, you know, with heroin. You're just maintaining. You're just feeding it so you

don't crash. You know, with heroin, you're just trying to avoid withdrawals. You're not even feeling that great anymore. I think with Robbie too, part of the problem was he was very disappointed in himself. Yeah. You know, it was booze too. He would just go off the rails and try to keep it together. You know, it's like, there's a lot of people out there that they have a dream and then the pressure of trying to reach that dream, like his dream is to be in a successful band, right? And the pressure of trying to reach that dream and see it to fruition, it seems unreachable. Yeah.

It seems too far off. And here you are, you're in your 30s and you're working in a construction job and, you know, you fucking work all day in your 30s, and you're working a construction job, and you fucking work all day in Boston in the winter. You're tired as shit when you get home. You don't want to go to band practice. You get home at 6.30, you have dinner, and now it's 7.30. You got to get up.

You got to get up in a few hours. What are you doing? When are you going to bed? You got to get up at 6. Then you go to band practice, and the drummer doesn't show up, so you can't practice or he's 45 minutes late his car breaks down and you're fucking pissed and you're screaming at you Yeah, yeah, yeah, then try to have a relationship on top of that tell that girl You can't go out on Saturday night ever because you're doing gigs And then the gigs suck and you're not making any money and they're like you should get a job the gigs suck

You should get a job. The gigs suck. You should get a job. Yeah. Fuck. And then you're in a band, so girls are throwing themselves at you. You have an affair. She's got some coke. Now it's good.

Now the story turned around. I turned it around. Now it's exciting again. Born to be wild. Sometimes when I work at a casino, there'll always be that band in the lounge just playing like Born to Be Wild and all those songs. And like, you'll see people that are like 57 dancing and you see them and they're dancing

and it's like, they're just reliving the only joy they had in their life, which was like when they were young, dancing to rock. And this band is fucking fucking they're gods to them the the time when you're young when you're having fun is so fleeting yeah then all of a sudden responsibilities stack up and all of a sudden you know you have to pay bills you have obligations you have so much that you have to think about yeah

for so many people there's just there's this period of their life where they look back to whimsically like that was the time when i was free yeah i was young and my dick got hard all the time i could go two or three times. Three times in a night. Shit. You're like a wild man. I can't believe it. And you think anything is possible. I mean, that's really.

Anything can happen. That's the loss of innocence is when you realize at a certain point that you do have to pick a path and stay on it. Oh, yeah. You better. Because you got to pay the bills with it. And, you know, and what's so sad is you see people that work so fucking hard for not a lot of money. And bills just add up. And then they save just enough when they get their vacation twice a year.

They'll go to a cruise and they'll just drink nonstop for a week. And at the end of it, they're just hungover. They blew the excess money they had. And that was it? That's what you worked all year for i had a friend of mine i work in a restaurant and uh one of the guys who worked with saved up his money for eight years went to vegas and blew it in one day god it was the most heartbreaking story this This poor guy, I think he was a dishwasher, and he worked there for eight years.

Set aside, 50 here, 25 there. Set aside for eight fucking years. And I think it was some good amount of money, like $30,000. Shit. Went there with a plan. This is it, baby. I'm good at blackjack, Or whatever the fuck he played. He read a book.

A lot of guys read books. You can win money. You can win money playing blackjack. But you know what's fucked up? When you do, if you get good at it, they ban you. I know. It's crazy. What?

Yeah. The other crazy thing is, in blackjack, there's like multi-deck and there's single deck blackjack and the payout on single deck is less instead of three to two odds you get paid like i forget what it is but you get you get less of a payout when you hit blackjack and the rules are more restrictive about like splitting aces and all that stuff yeah so the implication is with a single deck, you can count cards. That's why they pay you less.

But if you get caught counting cards, you get thrown out of the casino. How the fuck do they catch you counting cards? And isn't it normal that you are using strategy to try to win the game? It's crazy. Like you can't try so hard. Right. That's like if you're playing pool and you aim. I call you aiming. Or when

they don't let you use drugs in sports. Steroids, man, they make you better. They definitely make you better. Fuck yeah. Why should we not have drugs in sports? Well, because they're bad for your body and because you don't want the children to get the wrong message. Cheating and drugs are the only way to win. Yeah. I think there should

be a Supernatural League and a Natural League. I think there should be a Supernatural League and a Natural League. I like it. Yeah, you have a choice. Supernatural League is you just get one of those fucking Russian guys from that Icarus documentary and you just, what do you got, baby? Let's do this shit. And you find out what happens. The problem is, legitimately, if you do go whole hog and take the fucking full steroid route, you're definitely redlining your body. You're doing some shit to your body that your endocrine system is going to shut down. You're putting ungodly stress on all sorts of parts of your body

because the workload that your body is putting out is just superhuman. Yeah. But for those brief shining moments, you can absolutely perform better. Well, and that's what it's about. And as a viewer, I want to see them run faster and hit harder and jump higher.

And, you know, and honestly, they're jocks. This is what they were bred to do. They are the jock class. They did it their whole lives. They dreamed of the shining moment. Let did it their whole lives. They dreamed of the shining moment. Let them have their shining moment. Right, but what about the natural athletes?

What about the Herschel Walkers out there that don't need it? Right. Well, they're in the other league. Well, for them, they're like, well, you shouldn't be a fucking athlete. You know, I need it. Right. Or I don't need it. You need it.

Yeah. But I always wondered about those guys. Like, are they being honest that they don't need it you need it yeah but i always wondered about those guys like are they being honest that they don't take it like herschel walker like deep into his 40s was claiming that he never took anything and uh that he only ate a bowl of soup and a salad a day no shit doesn't make sense oh didn't didn't his mother do the campbell soup commercial I don't know. The thing about Herschel, though, is that he also has multiple personality disorder. Oh, no shit. Yeah, I think he has

stress or trauma-induced. Trauma-induced multiple personality disorder. Wow. So, it's entirely possible that when he says, I only took a bowl of soup and a salad, he's telling the truth. But that's him.

There's like five other people that live inside his brain, and they've been eating steak all day and doing steroids. Right. I don't know. That's fascinating. Yeah, I don't know. What was the trauma? Do you know?

Well, I think he had a really rough childhood. There was a lot of psychological abuse, physical abuse, and then there was football abuse. I think all those things. I mean, there is no way you're getting out of football for free. You're getting fucking hit hard. Yeah. And that's trauma.

So there's trauma, psychological trauma. I don't know. He's talked about it pretty openly, though. But what's interesting is even after all that, he still fought. You know, he fought. A lot of people don't know. He fought in Strike Force. Oh, I didn't know that.

He beat the fuck out of some people, dude. He's a legit martial artist. No shit. Dude, he was in his 40s, like 46 to 48, I believe he fought in Strikeforce. And when I say he was jacked, I mean jacked. Yeah. Full six-pack, shredded, 46 years old, just manhandling lesser athletes and beating the fuck out of them yeah in what jiu-jitsu mma and no shit he fought in strike force strike force was a league that the

ufc wound up purchasing and we took all their fighters and it came over and you know a lot of guys like um gilbert melendez was champ over there um josh th Thompson, like real high level fighters. Luke Rockwell, they all came over from Strikeforce. And Herschel Walker was over there and a lot of people were like super skeptical. Like,

what is this? Some freak show? Herschel Walker's gonna fight? Come on, man. Herschel Walker's an old football player. And then you see him and you're like,

Jesus. Freak athlete. Just a freak of nature. So you think he must have been using steroids at that point? No, it's not. Not must have. Wow. Just a freak of nature. So you think he must have been using steroids at that point? No, it's not must have. No. I mean, you always get suspicious when you see someone who's a freak, but there are real freaks.

Yeah. Like, just, like, John Holmes had a giant dick. It didn't take steroids to have a giant dick. He just had a giant dick. Some girls have enormous tits. Why? I don't know. They just do.

Like, there's no even body. Like, there's no equality in physical construction. And some people just get born with freak body parts. And they just are. There's athletes that are just way better than you will ever be no matter what you do. Yeah. I think Herschel Walker's unquestionably one of those. It's just, how long did he maintain it? I mean, I watched the Olympics. The curling? You know, curling, the thing is it's not much to watch, but I would pay a lot of money to just fucking get high one day and curl.

Really? How much? What's a lot of money? $50? $1,000? I'd pay $1,000 to curl one day. Why? But, I mean, that's for all my friends.

It pays for the whole curling core. Oh, okay, okay. The whole day. Why? But, I mean, that's for all my friends. It pays for the whole curling court. The whole day? Yeah. Oh, okay, okay. The whole day. Everybody would get bored after like 10 minutes. I don't know. Really?

I mean, I love games like that. Like, I love ladder ball, you know, where there's like two sticks and it's got like a ladder that goes between it and it's got a ball with a rope between the two balls and you whip it. Yeah. I can play that for upwards of three or four hours. We have it in the backyard. Three or four hours? Oh, nonstop. I just get, I get so competitive and so obsessed. Horseshoes, bocce ball. Horseshoes are fun. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man. Just get into such a

groove. Like pool, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you and I have played pool for three hours easily. Oh yeah, easily. We could have today if we didn't stop and do the podcast we probably would have kept going. Well son good luck to Sam Ojai today in the soccer playoffs. Third round undefeated this year. Do you like watching soccer?

I love watching it but I love watching my son play. There's few joys in the world like watching my son play soccer. It's crazy, right? You meet a little person. He's out there running around. Yeah, I know.

And you just see, well, because no matter how old your kid gets, you still see them as a little kid. And then when you see them out there on the field with these, and you see the size of the other guys and how aggressive they are, and you're like, holy shit, my little kid is in there holding his own, and he's a physical player. And it's just, and, you know, you get to know the parents and the kids and it's like a whole, it's like being a fan of a sport, but you actually know the players.

Yeah. Yeah. There's something also, I think, that's incredibly important for kids to learn how to compete and also learn what it feels like to lose and that bad feeling. You know, there's a lot of people that grew up and they were never involved in competitive sports. They were never involved in any sort of competitive games and they just don't know what it's like to lose. And I think that's a valuable lesson in life. I think it teaches you a lot about rejection from, you know, the opposite sex or the same sex.

I think it teaches you a lot about not getting the job that you want. rejection from, you know, the opposite sex or the same sex, if you're into that shit. I think it teaches you a lot about not getting the job that you want. I think it teaches you a lot about real competition in the real world. And it gets you used to that weird feeling of competing at a young age. So it becomes normal, you know? Yeah. Well, because I think there's a shame with being competitive these days because everything is so politically correct that you shouldn't be an alpha. You shouldn't be aggressive.

You shouldn't try to beat somebody down. And in sports, it gives you a safe place to realize that that's a part of our makeup. That's a part of your whole psyche is to want to compete. You want to challenge, you know, to be Darwinian. And that there's a place to do it and there's a place to not do compete. You want to challenge, you know, to be Darwinian. And that there's a place to do it and then there's a place to not do it. Yeah. Well, it's easier to find the place to not do it

when you do it. Right. And this is the thing about jujitsu that I always try to explain to people. Jujitsu practitioners are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. And one of the reasons why is they get all that stupid shit out on the mats,

and they're tired all the time too. So they're like, they don't want to start any bullshit. Like, ugh, I don't want to deal. And plus, they don't need their ego stroked. Their ego is getting beaten down and stroked all the time. Get stroked and tapped somebody, beaten down when you get tapped out. And you have to get used to it. In order to get to a certain rank, like say if you get up to like purple belt or brown belt or something like that who knows how many

hundreds of times you've been tapped out yeah and who knows i have no idea how many times i've been tapped out yeah but it's probably thousands no shit how could it not be wow all those years of doing jujitsu 20 years of doing 20 plus years of doing jujitsu and all the times I rolled and all the times I rolled people better than me, I've been fucking choked and armbarred and you just get used to it. It's not fun. You don't enjoy it. But what you do enjoy is that you've experienced something that you didn't have an answer for. And so, you know, there's work to be done.

And that's jujitsu is endless. It's endless. You know, there's a guy who explained this. How was the explanation? It's a brilliant, Halston Gracie explained it to someone who didn't understand jiu-jitsu. And he has got this thick Brazilian accent.

It's, I do this, and then you do that, and then I do this, and then you do that, and then I do this forever. That's jiu-jitsu hmm it's like it's constantly move and defense and counter and defense and attack well I hear people describe it as a chess match it is but chess pieces only move one way it's so dynamic and kinetic and so they're always adding new moves to there's all these new moves that people are constantly learning yeah it's But the thing is, you're using your body.

Right. Your body is what is being attacked, and your body is what you're using to attack. So things give out while you're attacking, and things give out while you're getting attacked. And I think there's not enough jiu-jitsu guys who, I think, if I was going to advise people, one of the things that I would advise is you should have a regular conditioning, strength and conditioning routine, just to strengthen your joints, strengthen your limbs, strengthen your back, yoga. I think strength and conditioning and yoga are almost as important, not as important as jujitsu itself to get good at it, but almost as important to prevent injuries and to allow you to reach your full physical potential.

Yeah. So, I mean, in terms of that being a life lesson, it's I think when you can physicalize something that then becomes like in a workplace, more of a mental thing. You realize that being tapped out in the workplace can mean everybody gets fired on a regular basis. People used to get one job and they would keep it for 30 years. You get a goal watch and a pension. Now, the average job, I don't know what it is, Jamie, what's the average lifespan of a job? Three years? Four years? I think so. I think people tend to bounce around a lot more. And so i think that life people get divorced and they have a they have other successful relationships you know like somebody was

saying with jay like that joke the henny youngman joke take my wife please doesn't make sense anymore because you would have fucking left her you wouldn't be saying take my wife you you know and so so i think that it's a life is filled with more transitions and being able to accept and almost be, like you said, learn from, be empowered and strengthened by a change as opposed to defeated by it. Well, no one gets through life perfect. You just don't. So if you think other people are getting through life perfect and you're fucking up all the time, you feel terrible about it. Yeah. But you got to realize that those fuck ups and those terrible moments those are valuable learning experiences and the people that i know

that the most interesting have failed the hardest they've had these just colossal fuck ups and then they rebuilt themselves and then understand it also gives you like a certain amount of humility and compassion for other people because you know you've realized like hey this is not like no one rides the wave forever yeah you crash you hit the coral you get scratched up you get up i've never surfed i shouldn't use those analogies yeah but you grow from it or you become evil from it yeah well, you definitely can. Yeah, you can definitely become evil from defeat. But I just think I mean, it's a fucked up thing.

I mean, it's a weird thing to say, but I really think we all collectively as a species need to emphasize and learn how to be nicer to each other. Nobody teaches you that. It's rare. They teach you in school be nice.

When you go to offices, there's certain standards of behavior that you're supposed to behave in, but there's not like an emphasis on kindness and just being friendly. And I think that that doesn't diminish competition. You can be friendly and kind to people that you're competing with as hard as you can. That was also a thing that you find in jiu-jitsu. Guys who are just trying to kill each other all the time are, like, really close friends. Yeah.

Really close. And, you know, very competitive. Like, motherfucker, I'm getting you tonight. No, bitch, you're not. You know, like that kind of shit. But friendly. Well, because there's a safety because there's rules. Yes.

And in the workplace, the rules are much more nebulous. And what you do to get ahead, kissing a boss's ass, sabotaging a project, is that part of competitive or is that over the line? Whereas with jiu-jitsu, you'll get called on a foul. Yeah, sabotaging a project. God, imagine working with somebody and they're

sabotaging what you're trying to accomplish. Go to the boss and talking shit behind your back about your project and what you're trying to accomplish. Go to the boss and talking shit behind your back about your project and what you're trying to achieve. That's one of the most soul-sucking things about jobs, the fakeness. The office banter nonsense, fakeness. I just think as a species, just the human race race especially us as Americans because we're so goddamn competitive Kind of learn how to be nicer. I think it starts with manners. I think it starts with I mean as a parent

Manners, they seem trivial, but it creates the Paradigm for nice just thank you. Please hold the door Don't eat till it like don't eat until everybody's served their food. They're all little signals to people that you care about them and respect them. And I think it spills over and it informs your other actions when you have good manners. Right. Look people in the eye.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Be polite. And when people do that to you, you get a good feeling. You know? You know, when someone holds up the door for you or someone says thank you. Like, I said hi to some guy the other day.

I was walking by him in the hallway of a hotel. I go, how you doing, man? And he just stared at me. And immediately I was like, what? I was angry. Yeah. You know? Immediately, like, part of my instinct was like, fuck you, man.

Yeah. And then part of me was like, that poor bastard. And I went with that poor bastard. That's his life. I just said hi. I'm just trying to be nice. But he looked at me almost like I was weak for saying hi to him. I was raised to like, if I see somebody with bags, I help them.

And it makes me feel fucking great. Yeah, it feels good to help people. It really does. And I think I was raised, and that's me feel fucking great. Yeah, it feels good to help people. Yeah. It really does. And I think I was raised, and that's the thing about being raised Catholic, because I was raised very Catholic. Were you raised Catholic? I was raised Catholic to first grade. After first grade, we kind of abandoned it. Yeah.

But even up until then, it gives you a lot of, it's a life of service. Yeah. It's very much about helping people. It's very much, you know, you can say what you want about the Catholics, but, you know, they were in the trenches in a lot of third world countries, nuns, and, you know, they did a lot of good. And I think that rubbed off on me. My parents both always did a lot of charity work.

I do a lot of charity work with my kids, and, you know, that's going to stay with them. I think we throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to religion and even just rigid ideologies. you know, that's going to stay with them. I think we throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to religion, and even just rigid ideologies. I think there's something about religion that can absolutely help some people, and there's aspects of it that are very beneficial. Having that code to live by, you know, even if it's because of the fucking spaghetti monster in the sky, like whatever it is that you believe, but if you really act like that thing is watching over you and that there's codes and tenets that you have to live by, like most of the tenets of Christianity, if you look at them, if you really follow Jesus' rule, which most people don't, but if you really did, you'd

be doing a lot of great work. You'd be helping people. You'd be treating each other as if they were your brothers and sisters. The neediest. I mean, that's who Jesus helped. He helped the beggars in the street and the prostitutes. And, you know, that was some hardcore shit he was doing back then. Yep, yep.

And, yeah, I think it's like the Ten Commandments. You can live by, I don't know, eight of them. Eight of them are pretty good to live by. I'm still going to covet my neighbor's wife. Covet. She's fucking hot. Do you know what that was about, though? It wasn't about that.

What was it? It was about your neighbor's wife. She you know what that was about though it wasn't about that what was it about your neighbor's wife she was possession she was covet like she was a possession of the neighbor like she he owned her right oh that's right yeah and the same thing stood for the commandment if you really read it says do not covet thy neighbor's wife or thy neighbor's slave. Is it slave? Slave. I thought it was donkey. I think it's donkey and slave.

Really? Yep. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Don't try to steal their slave. You can keep slaves.

Just don't want them from your neighbor. It's just so obvious that what they were talking about back then was all wrapped around the way people thought about things then. Yeah. You know? But they knew even then, even thousands of years ago, they knew there's a right way to do things and there's a wrong way to do things. There's when you pick up the people's bags, you feel good. Let's tell kids that. Let's teach people that.

You pick up the bags, you feel good. You hold the door open, you feel good. You help someone, you feel good. You hold the door open, you feel good. You help someone, you feel good. Like, okay, let's, this is obviously, we all want to feel good, right? How do we feel? Like, there's moments in my life where I feel terrible, where I've done something wrong or I've fucked up something or just failed and I just feel terrible. And I always think when I do have that feeling, like, God, I fucking hate this feeling.

Why can't I feel great? Why can't I just feel awesome right now? Well, because it didn't go well. And this is like the psychic reminder. This is that jolt of energy that's letting you know, like, hey, you went on a wrong path. You fucked up. You tanked this. You crashed that.

You did wrong. Like, you're supposed to feel like shit so that you don't do it again. Yeah. But conversely, when something good happens, when you help someone, when someone can't get their bag in the overhead because it's too heavy and you help them and you hand it to them and they smile at you and you smile at them, you walk off the plane, you feel good. You feel good. You got to teach that too. Like you have to remember that and you have to go, why do I feel so good? Oh, I felt so good because I helped that lady. that lady yeah you know i felt so good because i said hi to that guy and that guy

say hi me back and we looked at each other and go you know made some niceties or whatever yeah and that's that's part of the joy of life right is those friendly fun nice interactions with people but when you got your shit in order, it's easier to have those experiences. When you don't, my personal experience, when I don't have my shit in order and I've made mistakes and I fucked something up,

it's very hard for me to enjoy anything. Yeah. I just go through the motions. I just, I feel like, if I have something that I fucked up and then I have that terrible feeling, but I have to hang out with my family and my kids

I just ride it out I just have to ride it out I try to be real friendly and real sweet but I don't feel good inside I feel terrible and I go well this is going to go away with contemplation with understanding it's going to this feeling is going to go away but you got to ride it out you know and I know I can ride it out because I've rid it out wrote it out before yeah but for some people man they don't know what to do there right don't they don't know what that feeling is they feel like this is their life and then that feeling if you don't conquer it you get comfortable with it you get used to it you get used to failing you get used to that terrible feeling and then you start pouring booze on that terrible feeling right or pouring drugs or whatever well it also becomes like uh i was in therapy,

and I remember the therapist told me that we all have a narrative of our lives, and you can choose that narrative. It's that fucking simple. That's basically what behavioral therapy tells you, is that it's all a projection. Everything in your life is a projection. You know, you say,

I have these attributes, I've accomplished these things, or you You say, I have these attributes. I've accomplished these things. Or you can say, I lack these things and I fucked up these things. And you can live your life putting that energy out to people. And it's as simple as just literally sitting down and thinking about how you want to see yourself. And just keep reminding yourself of that and you'll start to live it. I mean, this sounds so fucking hokey and oversimplified. But it's real.

But it's real. Yeah. And part of the downside of religion is that I was raised with a lot of shame and guilt. And so those periods you're talking about where you fucked up and you're feeling bad and you've got to ride it out, you throw shame on top of that, and it extends it, and it makes it more profound, and it's not just about your action and how it might have affected other people.

It's about original sin, heavy original sin shit. Garden of Eden, we're evil, we're dirty, we need to confess, we need to be cleansed. Throw all that on top of a simple mistake and again it makes it complicated yeah man the the sin and the pain and the suffering i mean i only went through one year of catholic school but that one year when i was six years old first grade i was like this is ridiculous yeah these people are crazy. Yeah. I'm not this bad. I just knew, see, my parents got split up when I was five. And then I was really confused. I was like, I can't believe my mom and

dad aren't together anymore. And there was a lot of screaming and hitting and a lot of violence. And it was just, it was good that my mom got out because I learned that when something is terrible, like you don't just stay and get smacked around, you leave. But the bad thing was it just threw my whole life into chaos. And I wanted some order in things. And one of the things that I turned to for order was religion. Even at five, six years old. Like I remember my grandparents or, you know, whoever was taking me

to church, like I got into it. I was like, this is the answer. Like, it's like, what does God want you to do? Because when you're six, like it's not a, I remember thinking of it in this very narrow, confined way. Like I didn't have a broad sense of the world. I had a sense of God as being like the ultimate dad, right? And then, well, the dad that I have has failed. So this ultimate dad, you got to do what he says. And that's how life works good. And that's how you're happy. This very small vocabulary that I had, this narrow view of the world with, you know, five summers of life experience and then i went to catholic school and i was like holy shit is this wrong i was like this is so wrong sister mary josephine that's the only

person i remember from being six years old i don't remember anybody's name but i remember that fucking evil monster of a lady she was horrible and i remember thinking she smelled like death she looked like hell she just looked like like she was just in grief and anger and and just annoyed all the time and was so mean to kids man and i it it fucking knocked it right out of me yeah knocked it all right out of me all my ideas about religion and catholicism and i was done by the time first grade was over i was like there's no way i'm going back i told my parents i'd run away wow i was like there's no fucking way yeah my my parents went to uh catholic schools in the bronx back when they just hit you relentlessly i mean like every infraction they had a rule literally they had

the ruler out and they would just wrap you on the knuckles all the time. And my mother said to me, she realized as she got older, these nuns that were teaching, very often they became nuns because maybe they were lesbians, maybe they hated kids, they didn't want to go down that road. Wow. And so they joined the sisterhood to get away from it, and they stuck them in fucking classrooms with 25 jacked up testosterone ridden kids and it's their worst nightmare that's why they're so miserable we had a kid in the neighborhood that became a priest and he was a nice kid it was in high school but he's gay as fuck everybody knew

he's gay as fuck it was so obvious he was just soft and his his face was soft and he had no interest in women. He was like, well, there's got to be a way. And he went right into the priesthood. We started calling him father by the time he was like 17. I guess he was 18. He was like a year older than us, maybe two years older than me. And I think he had graduated and he was already like going into the priesthood right i don't know what steps you have to take to do it but people started calling him father started calling him father when i was like 16 i think people were doing it but i remember thinking like oh he's gay obviously he's gay and now he's like what are the options in fucking Newton, Massachusetts in 1983? Yeah.

What's he going to do? Yeah. What's he going to do? You know, didn't know where to go. Became a fucking priest. Do you think that priests in a rectory, which Latin derivative rectum. Is it? No.

But do you think they're all fucking, I mean, the priests are mostly gay. They're not getting laid. They've got, what, 23 hours of downtime every day when they're not doing a mass? I want to know what percentage of them are pedophiles and what percentage of them were molested. So became pedophiles. I mean, and people that get upset at this, look, you can't get upset at it. It's like blowing tires on NASCAR. It's real.

Yeah. Okay. Well, tires don't always fail. You're right. They don't always fail, but they fail a lot. A lot of people lose tires. A lot of people crash cars. It's just, there's a giant history of sex offenders that become priests and molest kids.

Like, what are the numbers? Like, is it 10%? And we're just hearing about, I mean, if it was 10% of priests, it's still a lot of people getting molested. Is it 30%? What's the number? It's not zero. Well, what's disturbing isn't just that number, but the number of priests that know about

it that don't say anything. Oh, yeah. Or then they even know about it and they shift them to another church. I mean, the complicity of the church in dealing with this problem, it's a civil case. This is rape. This should be in the courts. Police should be brought to the church and they should be fingerprinted and put in jail. But instead we somehow say, you guys deal with it yourself. Yeah. Yeah. You remember when Ratzinger had to leave, he had to quit, which is very rare. Yeah.

But it was because they wanted to try him for crimes against humanity. Like that guy was a fucking piece of shit. What he did was take priests that were molesting kids and just move them. And he moved this one priest. This is the guy that became Pope, right? Yes. He was in charge. He was a cardinal or whatever the fuck he was yeah whatever the name is where you in germany take these priests and move them to this new spot right and i think it was in arizona or new mexico i forget where it was it was somewhere in the united states i believe he moved this guy he like well send him over there. And the guy wound up raping 100 deaf kids.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, what? You hear about that and you're like, oh my God. Can you imagine your baby, your poor baby you can't hear, and they go to this place and they can't hear anything and this priest is sticking his dick in their ass and in their mouth. They're like, and they're like, this is God? God wants this? God wants this guy to do this to me and if there was a company where the ceo allowed that to happen under his watch never

mind facilitated it if you were the head of the company and it happened you would have to step down oh yeah this guy got elevated to pope crazy well they did it that way for so long i mean there's so many did you ever see hear no evil it's a documentary about it no i can't watch that shit those documentaries are rough man there's just quite a few of them and i usually make it like 45 minutes into them where i'm just crying and i can't handle it yeah it's just and here the thing. Most of those guys who were perpetrators were victims at one point in their life. Of course. 90%, I would say. It's fucking crazy.

What a horrible, horrible system of, you know, not a system, but, you know, a repeating action. Yeah. And that's the thing about the way it spreads. You know, every time somebody's molested they you're cre yeah you're creating other predators yeah yeah oh man so crazy yeah i don't we went we went to a pretty cool church growing up and the the priests were—apparently, I found out later, we're all having affairs with women in town. Really? Yeah.

This one guy, I won't say his name. Say it. Father McDonough. That piece of shit. Well, fuck it. Let him get laid. He's not fucking a kid. Right.

That's better. Way better. That's the whole problem. Who is he banging? People's wives? Yeah. Yeah. You know, like Eucharistic ministers.

You know, the Eucharistic ministers are the people that go to church, but they're so special that they can actually go give communion to people that are homebound. Oh. So they were in the inner circle, and the priest would have a little affair. Oh. So he would go over, like maybe grandma was bedridden. He'd go over, give her the service, then slip it to the daughter. No, no, no, no, no. House call.

Rated R. No, that's not what he did? No, it was like the people that were the ministers, they became close to the priest because they would have to go to him to get the bread blessed, and then they would take it in like a takeout bag, and they would deliver it to the people that were bedridden. Yeah, I mean, those religions become so ingrained in people's behavior patterns. I mean, it becomes a part of the community. You can't be like, ah, fucking quitting the church. Like, what are you talking about, Bobby? We go to church on Sunday. The whole family goes. We get up on Sunday, best on. We go to church. It becomes a part of

not just your life, but the way you socially interact with your friends and your loved ones and get everybody together. It's like it's part of the Sunday bonding. Oh, and your child being christened and getting their first communion these are big like landmark moments in your kids life you know if you think about it like you get your communion around the time that you begin puberty you know they're all based on cycles of nature you know Jesus was born in reality in April but according to the church December 25th which is right at the winter solstice when the North Star... It's like, it's all built into nature.

It's all pagan in its origins. Right. And all the ceremonies that you go through are tied into, you know, rites of passage in people's lives. That's why it's so weird that, like, when they were trying to convert pagans during the Roman days, they're like, well, you know, we do this thing in the winter solstice. It's like, what a coincidence. Jesus was born the same time.

No fucking way. Yeah, come on board. Come on board. And most of the pagan gods and most of the world religions, the Messiah was born during the winter solstice. And many of them died and rose up in the spring, which is what, the vernal equinox?

Right around Easter always lands right around the vernal equinox. Well, you got to think for those people back then, like everything was about the crops rising and gathering food and fertility. That was everything. Yeah. Everything was about whether or not you could make a baby, whether or not you could feed your family. I mean, if the crops went bad, you had a late frost or something like that and things died, you were fucked. Yeah, especially since you had 12 kids.

Oh, no birth control, shoot loads all willy-nilly. Yeah. And it was a sin for a woman to say no. You had to do it. I mean, you look at... Really? Oh, fuck yeah. With the Catholic Church, you can't say no to your husband. Really? No way, a crime it's a sin wow you can go to the priest and complain

about it and the priest to go give up the pussy that's right whoa yeah no no birth control either that's the other thing that's crazy like hey you don't well you got to create christian soldiers that's what that's where these rules came from is that it was about populating with as many of our guys as possible. Yeah. So they didn't want to limit you having kids. Well, there was no birth control at the time. I mean, back when that was all going on. Well, you can pull out and come in a girl's face.

Legally? It's mandatory what you think about like birth control today I think it's great that people have the option for birth control 100% I'm not anti birth control I think it's amazing but it's very weird for a girl to have hormones in her body that are artificially put in there that trick her body into thinking it's pregnant. Yeah.

And they go through this whole cycle of it. And what's really fascinating is women lose their ability to discern certain smells that they get from men, whether or not a man is compatible. Like they've done these studies where they took women on birth control and off birth control and they could smell men's clothes. Like a woman off birth control can smell a man's clothes doesn't know anything about him and can just Can discern whether or not she'd be attracted to him to a certain to a certain degree of success, huh? Yeah, but that's out the window as soon as they're on the pill when they're on the pill

They're just the body's all confused. They're pregnant. They're not thinking about that right and so they lose this sort of weird sense compatibility wow And so they lose this sort of weird sense of compatibility. They start responding only to Axe body spray? Smell dating. What is this? The first mail-ordered dating service. Is that real? Yeah, you mail a shirt in and then they put it on.

That's so weird. I'll take it. I send you a t-shirt. You wear this shirt for three days and three nights without deodorant. You return the shirt to us in a prepaid envelope. We send you swatches of t-shirts worn by a selection of other individuals. You smell the samples and tell us who you like. Someone who smells you like likes the smell of you too.

We facilitate an exchange of contact information. The rest is up to you. Wow. I'll tell you what. The rest is up to you. Wow. I'll tell you what. My wife, I remember like the first date I had with my wife, we rode bikes over the Brooklyn Bridge, and it was a hot summer day, and then we fooled around a little bit. And I remember smelling her and fucking being so aroused.

It was like to this day her smell turns me on. Yeah, people are compatible with each other in smells. It's real. That's legit. It's a very strange thing though, right? Well, look at every fucking animal. Smells. Yeah.

I actually watched this Planet Earth special, and it was about uh i forget which kind of wild cat it was but they go they travel for like hundreds of miles and there's certain rocks that they know to rub their backs up against and leave an odor and the other ones in the territory go to that same rock and they smell it and they rub on it and then they decide who to mate with based on um these like a specific tree or a rock that are like miles away from each other wow wow that's crazy it's really crazy when you think about how an animal has a sense like their sense of smell is like like almost like we don't have a sense of smell. Like they can smell fear

and adrenaline. They can smell all kinds of weird shit. They can smell animals from hundreds of yards away. The wind blows up. They can smell shit that we don't have a goddamn chance of smelling. There's no way. Smelling is so

fucking weird. I was in my car on the 10 freeway the other day and there was a small fire on the west side. I was seven miles away, windows up, and I could smell smoke. And you really think about physically, how the fuck did that scent travel that far

through my car and into my nose? Well, what's crazy is skunks. Yeah, right. They say skunks. Yeah, right. They say skunks give you a sense of how an animal smells because the parts per million of skunk smell that you can pick up is a lot like how a dog could pick up the smell of a robber. Right. When they give a dog a T-shirt, like, there he is, go get him, boy.

Yeah. And they run around like that. Yeah. That's apparently very similar. It's very similar like when you smell a skunk. You could smell smell skunk and you're like, oh, it's over to the right Like you know where it is. It's weird Yeah, you could be on the street You're like, oh you fucking smell that and you go like that to the left you go like that to the right you're like

Oh, it's over this way. Mm-hmm. You can you could smell skunk from blocks away? Yeah blocks I mean imagine a smell that you could smell from blocks away and it comes out of an animal the size of a football. Yeah. That's crazy. All right. It's not a lot of scent. It's a little bit of a spray. Like, if you took a hairspray can and just held it down for two seconds, like, that's what a skunk sprays. Yeah. I got sprayed once. Did you? Yeah. We were in Newport, Rhode Island. We had this house, and it was a converted horse stable. So there was 21 of us living in the house one summer. And there were people literally, there were stables that had cots in them, and people slept in those. And I think there was like three bathrooms in the entire place.

And so there were skunks. There were skunks that lived in the basement of the house and the house just smelled like skunks and then one night i hear this clunking out in the garage it's like clunk clunk and i open the door and i walk out and there's a skunk and he's got his head jammed in a small hellman's mayonnaise jar and he's trying to bang his head on the ground to get it off. Wow. And I felt so bad for the thing that I got,

there was a golf club in the corner, and I got the golf club. Beat it to death. And I went over, and I hit, I hit the glass, trying to break it off. Oh, Jesus.

And the skunk squirted me, and then ran outside, and disappeared. And I don't know if he fucking died or whatever, but that shit stayed on me for days. Yeah, my dog got hit when I was in Boston. He got hit, or she got hit.

It was a girl dog. She got hit and I washed her in tomato juice. You're supposed to use tomato juice. Tomato juice. Didn't work. I mean, it kind of worked, but it didn't really work. She smelled like shit for days. Days. Just forever. I don't know how it even wears off.

You know? Yeah, I guess it's a weird defense mechanism. Yeah, very weird. You know, they got the big stripes, so you associate them with the smell and you stay away. There's a whole article about it. It's an alcohol-thial thing. I was actually reading the part about tomato juice won't work.

Tomato juice won't do it. It's just a strong smell that attempts to cover up the smell of skunk. What you need is a chemical that will change the composition of the thiol group. Fortunately, baking soda and hydrogen peroxide are cheap, mild, and will do the job. Interesting. So baking soda and hydrogen peroxide, they're oxidizing agents, meaning they will attach oxygen atoms to the sulfur atom in the thiol pairing and take away its ability to stink. Wow. Interesting. And water makes it worse, too, apparently.

The chemicals are flammable. So under the right conditions, we could have a little striped flamethrowers running around the woods. Wow. We could have a little striped flamethrowers running around the woods. Wow. Imagine how you take a skunk and you fucking force him to spray and you just hold a lighter up to his asshole. Wow. I think you got a new Marvel character. Yeah, Skunk Man.

Yeah. It's crazy that it's an alcohol-based spray coming out of an animal. Yeah. And it's also like, how the fuck does something evolve to spray shit i know i could have all the different possible things that could have happened through natural selection a skunk is one of the weirder ones yeah is there flowers to do that is there a stink that's spray i think there's flowers that do. I think when they open, they smell. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

I think that is a flower that is a trap for rats. It eats rats. It smells like rotten meat. No shit. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how there's like Venus fly traps? Yeah, right.

There's also one that attracts rodents. Damn. And it opens up and it smells like rotten meat and they fall in it and it just closes up on them and they can't get out. Jesus. Might not close up on them. They might just not be able to climb out of it. It's like a metaphor for marriage. Right after you get tongue. To this day

I love the smell of my wife. But I can't get out. See if you can find that thing of a plant that eats mice. Yeah, there it is. Newly discovered carnivorous jungle plant that gobbles rats whole. Look at that poor fucking rat. That's amazing. I'm fucked, bro.

I'm fucked in here. I can't get out of the fucking... Dude, I'm in a plant fucking plants got me bro deep in the jungle primeval what is it how do you say that name neb nepenthes nepenthes atin barogi with two eyes awaits its furry prey uh it's not a stealthy cat or a poisonous lizard. It's a plant and it eats rats. It's been named after the famous naturalist and TV personality, Sir David Attenborough. Meat-eating pitcher plants. They're pitcher plants discovered by science in the time of, I don't know who Linnaeus

is. A meat-eating plant. Yeah. That's insane. If an unlucky mouse or bird became a meal, it was a rare treat. But this one is a vertebrate specialist. So there are some that eat insects and spiders,

but an unlucky mouse or bird is rare. But these fucking plants, this giant plant, is a specialist in rats. They lure rats with the promise of sweet nectar. But when the rat leans into the plant to drink the saccharine liquid, it slips on the pitcher's waxy interior and gets stuck in its gooey sap.

Once it is trapped, acid-like digestive enzymes break down the still-living rodent. Come on. How the fuck does that happen? To better explain the whole process as well as the life cycle of pitcher plant, there's a video by uh david attenborough the poisonous pitcher plant you could find that the private life of plants plants are so fucking complicated yeah it's so it's so fascinating they just develop like that's one of the real gigantic problems that people have with the deforestation of the rainforest

is there's stuff down there that we haven't even figured out yet. Yeah. So little of it has been explored. Did you see that new thing in Guatemala where they're going through the jungle and they found thousands? They have some new technology where they can see structures. It's like sonar. Yeah. And they found thousands of unknown structures.

Yeah. Like building cities. Right. There used to be a thriving thriving some sort of a thriving community in there yeah and they say that it it proved it disproves a lot of theories about uh where things had developed at what rate they were so far beyond what we thought they were in terms of irrigation and things like that i mean it's so weird because we only live to be 80 90 years old right and in that time you barely have enough time to figure out what the fuck you're doing.

Yeah. Your own life. And you're like, hey, what's that stone wall over there? It's always been here. Like, nobody knows. The ancient ones. The ancient ones made it. And then you die.

And then your grandchildren hear the same story. Oh, the ancient ones, they built that wall. And then someone comes along in like 1990 and goes, hey, who the fuck are the ancient ones? Yeah. Like, let's start doing some digs. Yeah. Thank God for archaeologists and all these people that are out there with toothbrushes and shit. Sitting there in cargo shorts with a fucking toothbrush for days.

For days. Just scraping at things, trying to find little bits of pottery and shit. Did you see the new radio lab that came out last week? No, I did not. Smarty Plants. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's going to freak you out. It's only 30 minutes long.

It's a really easy listen. But there's a couple cool, cool, cool stories. They tell like plants might have memory, for instance. Well, they definitely know that they communicate. They allocate resources to the more needy amongst them. No kidding. Yeah, they have some sort of a symbic relationship with fungi, where the fungi, the mycorrhizal relationship between certain plants and fungus, the plants and the fungus exchange nutrients.

You know, fungus actually breathes air. Did you know that? They breathe air and exhale carbon dioxide like an animal. And then plants breathe carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen. Huh. Fucking madness, man. Yeah. Plants are a life form, and we have this thing in our head that because they don't move,

oh, they must be stupid. But they're in some way communicating with each other in a method that we don't totally understand. Yeah. Which fucks vegans hard. Yeah, right, right. That whole self-righteousness and all the craziness that comes along with being a vegan a method that we don't totally understand, which fucks vegans hard. Yeah, right, right. That whole self-righteousness and all the craziness that comes along with being a vegan and cruelty-free, not to those screaming plants that you can't hear because they scream. I'm a salad!

They fucking scream, man. Yeah, right. They make noise. And they know when they're being eaten. That's one of the weirder things. And they know when they're being eaten. That's one of the weirder things. Yeah.

Like when they, not only do they know when they're being eaten, if you play sounds of a caterpillar eating leaves next to a tree, some trees change the composition, like the taste structure of the way the plants taste to animals. They become, like, what's the word? Unpalatable. They taste disgusting. Wow. They're inedible. So these giraffes starve to death

because upwind, certain giraffes would be eating and then the wind comes down and through either a smell or sound or some method of transportation or transmission that we're not totally aware of,

everything downwind is changing its flavor and it becomes disgusting to the giraffes. Wow. It's fucking nuts, man. That's amazing. They're like, someone's eating us. Fuck it. But what's crazy is it's not just something biting into it. It's the actual sound of it.

The sound of it triggers it. One of the things they talk about is that's how they find water. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've read about that. They hear the sound of water and they talk about is that's how they find water. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've read about that. They hear the sound of water and they grow towards it. Really? What's crazy is they've played recordings of the sound of water and plants grow towards the recordings.

Wow. So what the fuck is going on with those things? So they have auditory canals. Yeah. They said the roots have a very similar hair like follicle like we have in our ear which is how you actually hear you're picking up vibrations on the hairs and that's what their roots are made up of tons and tons of tiny little fiber like hairs that become a root fuck wow it's amazing it's amazing and the difference is if i

eat an animal it's been killed and i'm eating the dead flesh. If you're eating a salad, some of that shit's still alive. Yeah. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it's okay. I mean, here's the thing. Maybe it's all okay. But we have this idea that some life is more important than other life. Intelligent life is more important than non-intelligent life.

Yeah. Right? more important than non-intelligent life yeah right i know they did this whole thing with the olympics about how how many there's like 2 000 dog uh farms in south korea where they breed dogs for eating and you go there and it's like they're just regular fucking dogs a whole variety like you would see in a pet store and you know and we were outraged by it and we've sent out you know there's people that fly over from the States and they adopt one pet. Meanwhile, there's like hundreds of thousands. And you get maybe 50 rich Americans come over and adopt a pet and bring it back and save it.

They feel so good about it. They tell everyone, I rescued her. I know. I rescued her from a Korean factory. They made burgers out of her. Yeah, but that's weird. I mean, for some people, a dog is food. Yeah. Whoa, what some people, a dog is food. Yeah.

Whoa, what is that, Jamie? You know, pigs are like one of the most intelligent animals. What is that? That's a dog farm? Two rows of cages that will be used for dog meat. Oh, my God. Yeah, but meanwhile, if those are chickens, I wouldn't give a fuck. Right.

I'd be like, well, I don't like that they have to live like that but i like chicken so you ever like stop and go you're in the middle eating chicken and you go this is five meals in a row that i've eaten a fucking chicken plus eggs yeah it's crazy how much of those hormones i must have in my body there's a big misconception about that yeah most chickens that you're eating don't have hormones in them hormones are expensive and you don't have to give the chickens hormones. The hormones, the idea is that you give a chicken hormone, that's why they're so big. But no, they're so big through selective breeding. They've essentially, like if you take that girl with giant tits, and you breed her with a guy whose mom has giant tits,

and everybody gets together, and then you have just a giant tit family. That's essentially what they've done with these chickens. They figured out a way to breed these chickens where they have preposterously large breasts. They can't walk sometimes. Yeah. Some of them- They fall forward. They're all fucked up.

Yeah. They're not like a regular- Like the chickens I have in my yard, they run around, they jump up in the air, and they fly a couple of steps. They're normal chickens. So they're flat chested. Yeah. They're like little gymnastics chickens as opposed to stripper chickens.

Right, right. You want to get some stripper chickens with double E fake tits that can crush beer cans. You ever seen those gals? They hold a beer can, they take one of their whoppers, and they just smash that beer can with them. Right. Yeah, you're eating dinner. Why is there glitter on the chicken? Well, she's got a back story.

Why is there a dollar bill inside the chicken yeah so when you think that you're getting hormones from food most likely that's not the case but it's highly likely that especially with beef especially uh corn fed beef you're getting antibiotics because they get sick so you're most likely not getting hormones but there are some hormones in the animal themselves, and there's a certain amount of selective breeding that I'm sure would have more hormones than less, which would encourage the animals to have larger bodies and develop more food. But I think for the most part, the largeness is due to their diet. If you take a cow and you feed it grass,

due to their diet. Like if you take a cow and you feed it grass, it takes much longer for them to reach the size that they would like the cow to reach before they butcher it. But if you feed them corn, they fatten up real quick. And then obviously there's extremes like that Wagyu shit and Kobe beef where you get it's just literally a dying animal. It's just filled with fat. You ever get those things?

Yeah. It's like if Mike Sullivan Irwin was a cow. Sorry, Mike. Rest in peace. God bless you. He's up there. This cow is essentially like they've just given this guy this terrible diet. Yeah.

And they have fat all over their body. And not exercised. And no exercise. They even massage them, I think. I think they do in Japan. That's like part of the deal. They give them beer, and then they massage them. Is there a happy ending?

No, because they're steers. So if they're steers, it means they don't have any balls. You know what a steer is? They take a bull, they cut his balls off, and that's what a steer is. So most of the time when you're buying, like if you buy ground beef, I think, I hope I'm not wrong with this, but I think sometimes ground beef is a cow, like a female, and maybe they stop producing milk or they get to a certain age and they shoot them and then they grind them up.

But if you buy steaks, like USDA Prime T-bone, you get a nice T-bone steak, that's coming from a steer. So that's a cow that cut its balls off and then they fatten them up. Huh. I didn't know that. Ground beef is the cow. Sometimes. I think ground beef sometimes can be steered to like certain cuts.

But I think in some cases, I hope I'm not wrong about this, but I do know that most of the steaks you get, if you buy like a nice ribeye or something like that, you're getting it from a steer. Isn't there also some chemical that's released, they say, when they slaughter beef that they get scared? Adrenaline. And then that you're eating some kind of a chemical sometimes as a result? Well, there is a definite taste that people think happens to an animal when they're scared. when they're scared.

And if you shoot an animal and it's wounded and it's scared and maybe you have to follow up with a second shot or something like that, that animal will not taste as good as an animal that has no idea what hit it. Yeah. That's why there's a guy that I know that's a chef of a very famous San Francisco restaurant, Saison, I think it is. I think that's the name of it. He was on my friend Steve Rinella's podcast. Steve Rinella has a podcast called Meat Eater, and he's a pretty

famous hunter and chef himself. But one of the things that this chef of this, this like one of the very few Michelin blah, blah, blah stars. I don't know how many fucking Michelin stars it has, but it's like very, very highly rated restaurant. He shoots the animals in the head only. Like when he goes hunting, he's hunting and he only shoots them in the head. So he has to have like a close shot with a very accurate rifle, shoots them in the head so they die instantly. They have no idea what happened. Boom, they're dead. No adrenaline dump, nothing.

And then that way, according to him, you get the finest flavor from the food. Wow. Yeah. That's a harder shot, too, because that's the thing that's moving the most on the animal, the head. Could be. I mean, it could just be sitting there eating. Like a lot of times they're eating grass or something like that. I mean, this is, obviously we're talking about wild animals.

You know, it would be really easy to do for a cow or something like that. They would have no idea. They're just sitting there eating. You could set up on a bench with a rifle and just something like that. They would have no idea. They're just sitting there eating. You could set up on a bench with a rifle and just take them out, and they would have no idea. But most of the time with cows, they use that cattle rod on their brain that that guy used in No Country for Old Men. Yeah. Remember that dude would come around with that, and he'd put it on people's heads and patonk. Right.

Yeah, that's how they kill cows. And they're being corralled into the slaughterhouse, and they know what's happening. They know something's not good. Yeah. I don't think they know exactly what it is, but they definitely think they're fucked. Oh, I think if plants can tell that a giraffe is eating from a mile away, I think cows can tell that there's a killing field right in front of them. You know what the worst shit is? Kosher.

Oh, why? The way they do it. I don't know about that they slice their neck and they bleed out and then they hang them up by their ankles no shit flopping around bleeding it's terrible cows terrible cows yeah when you buy kosher beef there's a very specific ritual that has to uh be gone through that has to be gone through, that has to be accomplished in order to proclaim beef kosher. It has to be a very sharp knife. And I believe it all has to be done by a rabbi. See if that's true.

Damn. Yeah. But I've watched it. I've watched it in videos. And it's like, okay, this is terrible. Yeah. But kosher hot dogs are pretty goddamn delicious. They're the best.

They really are. I mean, it's like two different types of food. There's kosher hot dogs and there's shitty hot dogs. I think kosher also, it has to be hormone free. It has to be antibiotics free. And I think they have to be on a specific diet. I think there's like a bunch of things. Well, regular hot dogs, they put the fucking beaks and the feet, everything in there. Assholes, dicks. And I think with kosher, they don't put all that shit in there. Maybe. That would make sense.

I haven't had a good hot dog in a while. Yeah. A good fucking New York City hot dog. Yeah. Oh, it's hard. Some onions on it or some relish. What do you put on your hot dog? I'm a big sauerkraut guy.

Sauerkraut, brown spicy mustard. Oh. Yeah. I love that. Come on. I like Gray's papaya on 6th Avenue. That's a good spot. You get two dogs and the papaya drink for like $3. That's a good spot. Yeah. Yeah. That's an interesting place too. It's like probably hasn't changed much since the beginning of time. No,

as a matter of fact, I know Gray, Sheila Gray is the granddaughter of the guy who started them. And the guy who started them was a famous Broadway producer who'd won Tony Awards for some of the shows that he made. And then he used the money to buy first the one on 6th Avenue, and then he opened up another one up on like 72nd and Broadway. There's another Grey's Papaya. And she's a great acting teacher. I went to her, she's a coach, and I used to go to her classes. And then I went in one time for a private session at her apartment. And when I was coming out, she was like, you got to go.

You got to go. It was like a rush job. I'm like, what the fuck? And I walk out. And Mariah Carey's standing there waiting to come in and get coached. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. Mariah Carey's taking acting lessons.

Yeah. It is always. That's a weird transition, right? Like, it's a normal transition for a comic to become an actor. Yeah. But for a singer. I know. It's like, huh?

Right. Rappers can do it, no problem. Rappers seem to be, they make that transition. Yeah. 12 years now on that show. Tupac did a gang of movies. He's amazing.

Yeah. Biggie never did a movie though, did he? No. Hmm. Interesting. Yeah. He's my favorite. He's my favorite of all time. Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. He's my favorite. He's my favorite of all time. Yeah.

Him and Nas. Only one who is knowledgeable in the laws of slaughtering. I don't know. What is that word? Where's Ari when we need him? Call him up on his flip phone. S-H-E-H-I-T-A-H. Shehita. Shehita,

and proficient in its practice, and who is a believing pious Jew, may act as the slaughterer, Sho-het, in performance of the commandment. It is the prevalent custom that the Sho-het must receive written authorization from a recognized rabbinical you know what you're doing.

The sheteh must be done by means of a swift, smooth cut of a sharp knife whose blade is free of any dent or imperfection. Wow. The shahita, he's probably screaming at us, the shahita, say it right, entails severing the trachea and esophagus in according with the oral tradition, which requires that five improper procedures be avoided lest they invalidate the shahita and render the animal unfit to be eaten. the oral tradition, which requires that five improper procedures be avoided,

lest they invalidate the shahita and render the animal unfit to be eaten. Wow. They're A, hesitation or delay while drawing the knife. If you hesitate, oh, no, no, no. Oh, it's over. Don't eat the cow. Excessive pressure or chopping. You can't eat it. Burrowing the knife between the trachea and the esophagus or under the skin. You can't eat it. Burrowing the knife between the trachea and the esophagus or under the

skin, you can't eat it. D, making the incision outside the specific area, you can't eat it. And E, laceration or tearing of the trachea or esophagus, which would result from an imperfect blade. An animal or fowl that has been improperly slaughtered or, as already noted, that is not slaughtered but dies of itself is considered carrion, nevelah, and unfit for food. God, they're picky. That's so picky. It is forbidden to slaughter the parent with its young on the same day. It's in Leviticus 22-28. Leviticus had some hardcore shit.

Hardcore shit. Yeah. Yeah, that's a hardcore book of the Bible. That's the quote from Pulp Fiction that Sam... I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. From Ezekiel. Is that from Ezekiel? Oh, is that Ezekiel?

Yeah. Oh. It's actually from a few, but... Ezekiel's weird, too. Like, Ezekiel's the one that the UFO dorks always point to, because Ezekiel? Oh. It's actually from a few, but it's my guess. Ezekiel is weird, too. Like, Ezekiel is the one that the UFO dorks always point to, because Ezekiel had some sort of a vision of a wheel within a wheel, like some sort of a vision that they think was some visitor from outer space. Oh, no shit. Yeah. Wow.

I think they were tripping. I think they were just eating mushrooms. That's what I think. Well, yeah. Well, the last book, about the Armageddon, that's fucking trippy. That's some sci-fi shit. Yeah. Bad trip.

Wrote it all down. Well, they say that the—I forget who wrote the book of Revelations, but they say that it occurred at the same time as the Pompeii exploded. Wow. And that he was really just describing what was happening in Italy. When is Pompeii? I want to feel like- I feel like 400 or something. AD.

Yeah. Right? Well, most of the Bible wasn't written until 200 or 300 years after. New Testament. Right? Yeah. But a lot of it was like older stories that they had to pick and choose what to keep. Yeah.

There it goes. 79. Oh, 79. in the summer of 79 August 24th 25th probably visited did you go there when you went to Italy I did not yeah we went it was pretty wild yeah I did not well I was having such a good time in Ravello I just stayed up there and ate pasta and swam yeah is that on the the M uh mafie coast yeah we went to ravella which is up high and then we went to mafie coast which is down low yeah and then we went to capri went to the island oh you did yeah i hear that that boat ride is a little crowded though it's not the best yeah yeah it's just you just deal with it you get to the island you have awesome fish and seafood the food there food there is just so sick.

Yeah. Yeah. I throw all my dietary restrictions out the goddamn window if I go to Italy. Somehow they don't get fat. I mean, you're in Italy and these people are eating pasta and cheese and wine and they just seem to not be fat. They get a little paunch, but that's about it. Yeah. Well, they walk like crazy. Yeah.

Is that. I also think that they're dealing with heirloom wheat. Their wheat is a different kind of wheat. And it's, you know, the wheat that we have today. And someone corrected me on this. I guess I used the wrong term. When I said genetically modified, it has been modified. But it's been modified through traditional agricultural methods of, like, splicing and, you know, however the fuck they did it.

It's not like it was done with a dude in a lab coat yeah but nonetheless the wheat that you get today is very different than the wheat of say 200 years ago the wheat of 200 years ago was a small plant it didn't have a high yield and now when they what they've done through this selective breeding is create this really thick heavy wheat that has a lot of complex glutens. And that's one of the reasons why so many people have gluten sensitivity today. It's just a more complex thing for your body to digest. So if you're eating fucking Wonder Bread and shit, and it's like all that stuff is just

sitting in your gut, like that feeling. That's what it feels like, right? When you have a big fucking bowl of pasta, you feel like there's like, because that's what your feels like right when you have a big fucking bowl of pasta. Yeah, you feel like there's like oh Because that's what your body's doing your body's like trying to compress and digest and what do we got to do with all this stuff? Yeah, it's all this fucking glue this asshole just ate right he just ate paste Not only that but why is it with pasta they give you like it's the size of your head Do I need that much of this shit? There's no other meal. They give you like it's the size of your head do i need that much of this shit there's no other meal they give you that quantity of there used to be a restaurant in santa monica

called il grano and it's it's done now it went it went under but when it first opened it was fucking amazing and callan took me there and uh we ate there and we had squid ink pasta, and they would give you like, it was a multi-course meal, where they'd give you like a plate of this and a plate of that, and every plate was about the size of your fist. Everything was fairly small. That's it right there. Woo!

That shit was good. That's got sea urchin on top of it, which is amazing, but squid ink pasta. Yeah, I love that shit. The stuff that we had had crab. It had Dungeness crab and squid ink pasta. To this I love that shit. The stuff that we had had crab. It had Dungeness crab and squid ink pasta. To this day, I think about it. It's like one of the most delicious things

I've ever eaten in my life, but a small portion. Yeah. Not the size of your fucking head. Right. Yeah. You ever go to Cheesecake Factory and see all the fat people eating double entrees?

You know what's the worst? Bucca di Beppo, or the best, depending on if you want that. You took me there once. I used to work there. Oh, did you? Yeah. In Columbus?

Yeah, a long time, yeah. They give you a goddamn bathtub full of pasta. It's family style, so it's not for one person, but yeah. It's a big misconception. They get crazy, though. They give you a rigatoni with meat sauce and cheese, and you're like, holy shit. Yeah. Who the fuck is eating all this?

Yeah. But if you just want to gorge, you just want to go deep, it's amazing. Yeah. You know? Lasagna. Big fucking tray of lasagna. Panay Al Forno is my favorite thing. Dude.

Pizza on pasta. It's delicious. That was one of my favorite Trump stories. The Trump story about the pizza with little pizzas on top of it. What? Is that real? Did we ever find out that was real? I don't know.

That's what he was eating? One of the stories of one of his mistresses, that's one of the things that she said, is that he ordered a pizza, but for the toppings, he wanted little pizzas on the pizza. I don't know if that's real or not real, but that's just like him. He also got shit for when he was in New York and he was running. He ate a pizza with a knife and a fork, and he got a ton of shit about that. Yeah. Maybe he doesn't like to get his hands dirty.

It's satire. It is satire? Yeah, I mean, it sounded so fake. It sounds so good, though. It's fake. It sounds so good. That is something that someone should make. Pizzas with little pizzas as toppings?

That's real. The Trump part of it was fake. Like him doing it and saying it. But there is really pizzas with little pizzas on top of it? Who makes that? Some restaurant. I don't even want it. I'll show you what it looks like.

I don't want it, but I want to be there when it gets made. Well, what is it that they stuff in the crust of pizzas now? Look at that. It's pizza with little pizzas on top of it. Oh, yeah. Wow. That actually looks delicious. Oh, and it's a bunch of different pizza with little pizzas on top of it. Oh, yeah. Wow. That actually looks delicious. Oh, and it's a bunch of different kinds of little pizzas

on top of it. Huh. I like. Pizza Hut got better. Did it? Not pizza. Domino's. Did it? Domino's used to fucking suck. Really? But now it's like decent pizza. Wow. Paid for by Domino's. When was the last

time you had it? A couple months ago. Damn. Yeah. Wasn't bad. Wasn't bad. Wow. Paid for by Domino's. When was the last time you had it? A couple months ago. Damn. Wasn't bad. Wasn't bad. Damn. Yeah. I mean, I hate to sound like every other New Yorker, but it really is.

It's hard to find pizza out here in L.A. that's decent. It's the water, right? That's what everybody says. I guess so. But has anybody made a real pizza where they took the water from New York and brought it over here? Can you steal water from New York and bring it to a business in L.A.? Can you just, like, open up a fucking faucet and fill up jugs? We need it. We're going dry again.

I love it. We had a drought last year that was so devastating that it was all anybody talked about. And we got, what did we get, a month of rain? And then they just said, okay, all restrictions are off. Yeah. And now, of course, six months later, they're like, oh, we got another drought coming. It's like, how about we just don't take fucking 20-minute showers permanently? Yeah, but they feel good, and you're not going to live forever, so fuck all these people.

Yeah, fuck our kids. Get your water from Portland. Yeah. Just get a pipe. Put a pipe up in Seattle and bring that goddamn water down here. Well, you know, that's what was happening during the drought when, what's the rich town up by Santa Barbara? Montecito? Montecito.

Montecito? Yeah. With Oprah and all these people. Apparently they were bringing in so many tankers full of water to water their grass that it was like damaging the streets of Montecito. And the other citizens were complaining about the tankers that were coming in. So the tankers were all fucking up the roads? Yeah. That's hilarious.

There are some rich fucking people up there, dude. Oh, yeah. There's a house that I saw that was up there for sale for $85 million. No shit. Can you imagine how baller you have to be to spend $85 million on a house? And then pay the taxes and the maintenance on it. Oh, yeah, every month. Yeah.

Yeah. How about your mortgage? What's your mortgage on an $85 million house? Well. I'd say it's like $150,000 a month. Well, a million dollars would cost you about $4,000 a month. Here we go.

Oh, here we go. Santa Barbara. $85 million. Estimated mortgage $343,295 a month. Yeah. That's the house. Look at that fucking house, though. That is crazy.

I mean, who lives there? Jay-Z? Can Jay-Z buy that house? He can buy it. I think they bought one for like $80 or something in Bel Air. Holla. 12 bedrooms, 13 baths. But that, I would feel like if I paid all that money,

I would have to spend time in my house all the time. I wouldn't go anywhere. You would feel like that unless you were worth billions of dollars. Yeah. If you were worth billions of dollars, you wouldn't give a fuck. Look, they have like a horse thing. I wonder if they have a heliport. Oh, for sure.

They probably have like a time machine. They probably have all kinds of crazy shit. Yeah. Nuts crazy shit yeah 1931 wow well there's a lot of that up there you know they built it up there sort of to model Italy there's a lot of Italians that live up there I mean that's why it has an Italian name

and there's a lot of like really legit Italian restaurants yeah it's the same climate dry mountainous on the ocean yeah they grow a lot of wine up there too. Yeah. I was up there, I saw Lucille Ball. She was at a restaurant.

You saw Lucille Ball? Yeah. No shit. Yeah. Oh no, I'm sorry. Carol Burnett. No. When did Lucille Ball die?

She died like a long time ago, right? Yeah, I think before that. Carol Burnett. Carol Burnett's still alive. Yeah. I saw Carol Burnett. She's having her little comeback now. Is she?

Well, they had like the 50th anniversary of her show and so they did a big one hour special on TV that was fucking great. I watched them I Love Lucy's the other day. I watched them on YouTube

and I was like, wow. Or somewhere online. I was like, wow, it's crazy. It's such a time machine. Such a weird show. Yeah. I mean, it was so like,

it was like a play. I feel like there was one camera just shooting them flat the whole time. Yeah. I mean, it was so like, it was like a play. I feel like there was one camera just shooting them flat the whole time. Yeah, yeah. Just wide shots of the whole room. I think about like,

what I think about is like how today sitcoms are all, everybody's young and gorgeous and then you go back to shows like that and you go like,

look at the Mertzes. They were like fucking 57 years old all right back then everybody looked like they were old even when they weren't yeah yeah look at that look at the mertzes yeah wow and he was fucking everybody who was desi arnaz oh yeah how could he not be big star it was actually really sad. She had a booming career, and then she wanted to spend time with him and get him involved.

So they started Desilu Productions, and I think they were the first talent to create their own studio for their show so they could own it. And so he was the executive on the show like she was, and she created this whole world for them to be together. And then he just fucked everybody. That's what they did back then, especially back then. Probably nobody knew what like a star was a new thing.

Right. Right. Like I played this video yesterday. Jamie sent me. I put it on my Instagram of Elvis doing karate. And it's a crazy video and you watch Elvis do this like nonsense karate yeah and he's so obviously pilled out of his mind so obviously high that you're when you're watching it you're thinking we're not playing this on right what when you don't even play the volume but so when you're watching this and Elvis is going through all this you realize like this guy was one of the very first real superstars like there was no road map

how how this guy learned how to behave yeah I mean look at him he's smiling high as a kite now check this out look at this karate the guy's just laying on the ground stomps on his stomach he goes knee to belly that's legit and look at this claws the eyes. The guy's just laying on the ground. He stomps on his stomach. He goes knee to belly. That's legit. And look at this. Claws, the eyes, and the mouth at the same time. And then they're like, okay, you're done? He's like, no, no, no.

Hold on a second, man. I got some other ideas. Hold on. Hold on. Puts his hand up. No. Watch this. Stay close.

Look at that. I got some karate moves. Karate moves. I'm doing all over him. A bunch of karate moves. He does all this crazy karate shit, and then it helps him up. Yeah, I'll help you up. Go ahead. That's hilarious. I got a karate moves. Karate moves. I'm doing all over him. A bunch of karate moves. He does all this crazy karate shit, and then he helps him up. Yeah, I'll help you up. Go ahead.

That's hilarious. I got a red belt. Better than a black belt. Look at this. The guy throws a punch, steps aside. I'm going to step aside and throw a karate kick. Wow. He does disarming things in that video, too, that are pretty funny.

It's a real long video. It's amazing because all my life I had always heard, yeah, Elvis was a black belt under Ed Parker. Because Ed Parker, when I was a kid, was a legitimate karate instructor. Like everybody knew who Ed Parker was. In Los Angeles? Boy, that's a good question. I do not know where he was originally, but I know he had, I believe he had places all over the country. Well, your guy who worked with him, where had places all over the country. Well your guy. Yeah

Work, yeah, did he grow up? He grew up out here? Yeah, he went to but I think Ed Parker had a chain Like do you remember when we were living in Boston? It was Fred Valeri's. Do you remember Fred Valeri's karate studios? They had Fred Valeri self-defense studios. They were everywhere. They were everywhere They were all over the place and what they had basically done is figured out how to teach karate in a digestible form that families could go to. And it just became this big business. But Ed Parker was thought of as super legit. That was one of the guys. There's a few guys.

There's American karate people. There's American martial arts people. There's Dan Inosanto. There was Bob Wall. There was Ed Parker. He was a legit guy. And I always thought that Elvis was legit. Until that video, I'd only

seen a couple of things like him on stage throwing kicks. The punches at the end is the craziest because they're nowhere near the guy's head. I like how his hands are taped up too. Gotta tape your hands up, man. Gotta make sure. This guy's gonna throw a kick. I'm how his hands are taped up, too. Got to tape your hands up, man. You got to make sure. This guy's going to throw a kick.

I'm going to show you. Go ahead. Throw a kick. Try it again. Like he's got a fucking shirt with a collar on underneath his karate gi. Look at that. Look at that. He fucking karate chops him and then walks away.

Walk away, man. Walk away. Elvis Presley. What does it say? Gladiators Project 1974. This guy coming at me like this. I'm going to tell you right now. Just grab your arm.

And that guy, he's like a real karate guy. He's like, this is bullshit. Look, he's clawing at the hands. Oh, he's a head. He's got a head. Ah, yanking. Ah, elbow him there. Man, get him right here.

Hit him in the back. He's like making shit up as he goes along. I'm going to elbow him right in the face. Oh, he's got a gun? Fuck that gun. I'm going to karate you. Wow. But to that guy, I mean, the level of fame that he had achieved was unfathomable.

I mean, no one had any idea what that was. And then Michael Jackson after him. And it was all a fantasy. I mean, you know, marrying, how old was Priscilla, 14? Yeah, she was very young. And just. Hi-ya. Right in the ear, man.

I'm going to chop your ear. I'm going to get behind them, because a lot of people lay behind you when they're attacking you. Get behind them. I'm just elbowing the back. Look out, come on. She went to palm strike to the head, trying to get me with a gun. Good luck. Good luck. I'm just elbowing him in the back. Look out. Come on. She went to palm strike to the head, trying to get me with a gun. Good luck. Good luck.

I'm on pills. He was on pills for a long time. He enjoyed it. He's on pills right now. Yeah, he's loving life. Look at that. Look at this. Come on, man.

He's got a gun, but I don't give a fuck because I got my hand, and he's going to stay put. I'll get my hand right up his head. Come on, peanut butter and banana sandwich. There's no way he didn't accidentally punch those guys in the face constantly. Oh, he probably did, yeah. They're probably mad at him. Yeah? Yeah.

Just kept taking it. Well, that's the thing about, like, karate. There's always been bullshit karate black belts. And they can kind of get away with it because most of the time you don't really spar. And when you do spar, you kind of like take it light. You're like, ah, I could have got you right there. Like, ah. You do a bunch of that stuff.

Like, I always saw a lot of that. You can't. That doesn't happen with jiu-jitsu. Because jiu-jitsu, because you can kind of do it full blast. Like karate, you can, but it's not wise. And you can't do it for very long if you full blast, punch, and kick each other. You'll wind up hurting everybody. Everybody's going to get fucked up, including you.

You would be fighting, like fist fighting all the time. But with jiu-jitsu, because of the fact that you roll, meaning you spar, but that sparring does not involve striking, and you can tap out when you're in a bad position, you can literally go full blast. So you really find out people that are good so there's very very few fake jujitsu black belts but occasionally there are some and they get outed and there's some hilarious videos online of guys getting busted where does steven seagal fall on that line he is a legitimate aikido black belt in fact he was an instructor one of the very first americans to teach at a dojo in japan oh no shit yeah so steven seagal but the martial art is the questionable thing it's the martial art of aikido is and it's really a martial art of Aikido is really a martial art that was created to disarm people with swords.

The idea was that you lost your sword in combat and someone was coming at you with a sword. Last-ditch effort is you had to be able to use someone's momentum against them. You had to be able to use. Some guy comes at you with a sword. You have to be very adept at catching their arm and flipping them over. Here's Seagal. It's very subtle, right? Let's not use this because it's

easy to poke fun at him when he's old, but let's go to that black and white one. See that black and white one down there? If you go back, see that one right there, Steven Seagal? Go to that one. Now there's some footage of him when he was young. Yeah, this is it. Go full screen.

He is legit. He is very legit. And he was young yeah this is it go full screen he's legit he is very legit and he was thin it was a different thing like but the thing is nobody comes at you like this and a fucking ncaa wrestler would shoot a double on him and take him down faster than you can possibly imagine i mean this does not work it's a dance well it Well, it works if someone does know what they're doing or if you have a lot of physical attributes, like Seagal's a huge guy. He's a very big guy. He probably could pull that off on a lot

of people who don't know how to fight. This is what it was about. What Aikido was really about, this is Kendo though, they're using swords which maybe they do use some of that in Aikido but What Aikido was really about, this is Kendo though, they're using swords, which maybe they do use some of that in Aikido, but what Aikido was originally created for, I hope I'm not mistaken, was learning how to disarm, like that. The guy comes at him with a knife and he flips the guy and takes the knife away. He's using the guy's energy against him. That was the original intention of Aikido. But in terms of Japanese martial arts, Aikido was never thought

of as the most effective. Judo is far more effective because Judo involves people grabbing people and flipping them and slamming them on the ground. Like there's a great video of an old Judo master. See if you can find this video. There's this guy. He looks like he's about 8 years old and he weighs about 13 pounds. And he is... You can tell, especially someone who knows martial arts, you can tell when someone's just giving in. The problem with a lot of these demonstrations of Aikido is guys are just giving

in. Like this old dude. Watch this old dude. The old dude on the right-hand side is so much bigger than the other guy. And they're walking the guy around and like, he's really throwing this guy. this is legit like this guy's trying not to get thrown and he doesn't know what to do he trips him to the ground there but this old guy is tiny but he's using perfect leverage and perfect technique yeah and fuck he looks really old in this picture like the guy's

trying to throw him there and he can't pull it off. And he can't pull it off because the older guy has perfect position and perfect, what is the name of this video? Perfect leverage. Look at this. 90 years old judo master is the name of the video online. And I don't know if he was really 90, but he certainly looks like he could be 90.

But this old guy just knows how to, you notice also the back of his heels are always like lifting up. He's moving. This guy's trying to throw him. And he's just, and the guy who's trying to throw him appears to be a black belt. At least he's wearing a black belt. Fucking incredible, man.

It's really amazing. So judo was a much more effective martial art. And judo was actually what was taught to the Brazilians when Count Maeda went to Brazil and taught people in Brazil particularly the Gracies they taught them Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu the Gracies took what was judo at the time and they took the ground attacks of judo and just perfected them and then honed them and changed them and made them more technical and really worked on utilizing leverage and utilizing submissions and they they turned that into brazilian jiu-jitsu so judo is standing as

well as ground yes there's a ground aspect of judo obviously like ronda rousey is probably one of the most famous submission artists in the ufc and her background was in judo she was a judo. Obviously, like Ronda Rousey is probably one of the most famous submission artists in the UFC, and her background was in judo. She was a judo player, and very good at judo. She was a bronze medalist. So when she would get a hold of people, she would just fucking throw them on their ass, and flip them, and toss them, and slam them to the ground. She just had phenomenal

judo, but also a wicked armbar. And that was because the niwaza, the ground attack part of jiu-jitsu uh comes from judo so there you go yeah my father did judo and he taught it to me and my brother and then i remember my brother was bigger than me and he used to flip the fuck out of me and then he did it to me one day and my father grabbed him and flipped him down on the ground it was like this is not good this is this isn't like passing on knowledge. This is just

a violent family out of control. Was your dad drunk? He was six foot two. Six right in his hand. Yeah, cigarette. Fuck. Yeah, Judo's legit. Judo's way more legit than Aikido. It's not that Aikido's not legit. Aikido is

like, it's a lot of pressure points and holding the wrist and arm in different ways. There's some of that, yeah. Most of it is throws and learning how to take an attacker. Like,

if you just charge forward at an Aikido guy and you have your right hand come on, like, cocked and ready and just run at him and throw that punch,

a really good Aikido guy is going to grab that and flip you and slam you on the ground. Right. But, you know, how often does that come up?

Yeah. You know, most, especially today, how often does that come up? Yeah. You know, most, especially today, when people actually know how to fight, it's just a different, it's too limited. Yeah. But there's a lot of martial arts like that. Like, there's certain aspects of karate that are applicable, but there's a lot of it that's really limited, you know, and it's just... If you were going to teach your daughters, like, my daughter's 14, I'd love for her to

get into some martial arts. What would be the most effective self-defense? Jiu-jitsu. Jiu-jitsu. 100%. 100%. Because with jiu-jitsu, first of all, you use a lot of your legs. And a girl has strong legs.

You're carrying your body around all the time with your legs. You can catch a guy in a triangle or an arm bar and break his arm or choke him to sleep with your legs. He can catch a guy in a triangle or an arm bar and break his arm or choke him to sleep with your legs I mean There's a lot of girls that would fuck a lot of guys up on the ground just by using arm bars and leg locks right because an arm bar is your whole body against someone's arm or a Triangle is your whole body particularly your lower body But you're using your upper body to to pull down the head against the guy's neck and arms So you're squishing the neck and the arms together, and then you're pulling down the head.

A girl could absolutely put a guy – a girl could put me to sleep. A girl who's got a good triangle, who's like a legit black belt, and I get caught in her triangle, I will have to tap out, man. Yeah. Fact. You know, legs are strong, man. Yeah. Think about what you do with your legs. You know, you can't – how long can you walk on your hands?

I mean, what's the world record for walking on your hands? It's like an hour? How long? You know, if you walked to Disneyland, I mean, it's fucking, you're hours and hours on your feet. It's nothing. It's no problem at all. All right. What's the world record?

A guy walked on his hands. A woman actually did it 5,000 meters in 8 hours. Damn. She's a savage. 5,000 meters. Shit. What's that in American? 16,400 feet. How many hours? 8. How did she eat?

How do you eat upside down? She didn't eat. She took 8 hours off eating. Fuck. Can't do it? Can't take it out eight hours? I did gymnastics for like six years, and I could walk like a motherfucker. On your hands? I can still walk on my hands. Can you really?

I don't know with the wrist now. Who knows? But like I could literally, I would walk around the house on my hands when I was a kid. It's a cool skill to have. It looks cool. Back flips too. Back. You used to do standing back flips. Look at that. Look back you standing back flip that problem Jesus Christ record for descending 50 stairs Jesus Christ on your hands did it

in 14 seconds or something 14 seconds look at this fucking savage he's got some pads on his hands but he's guards he's walking down those stairs like he's on his hand on his feet look at that that's crazy that those stairs like he's on his feet. Look at that. That's crazy. That's amazing. Wow. That's a serious bounce. He looks Russian.

Oh, he's Asian. They're not regular white people, right? Russians? They're stronger. Fuck yeah. If you think about that part of the world, man, that's a fascinating part of the world. How tough you have to be. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Siberia and shit now when those russians gangs came to new york it was like a whole new world of organized crime yeah like much more hardcore italians you think about like the old gangs like the mafia guys now they seem like kind of soft and cuddly like oh godfather, godfather. It's the godfather. Yeah. But these Russian guys, they'll just fucking cut your Achilles tendon out because you owe them 10 bucks.

Happened to me once. Somebody cut your Achilles tendon? Yeah. No? No. I knew you were faking because you had the hint of a joke in your face,

but part of me was like, really? You would have told me that already. But I just remember seeing these Russian guys. They look hard. They've just been out in the cold their whole lives. Russian women, too. Yeah. Hard.

Beautiful. Yeah. Powerful genetics. Yeah. They lost a shit ton of men in the wars. Right. You know? Yeah, how many Russian soldiers died in World War II? Millions, I would say. Millions. Millions.

Millions starved to death, apparently. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a hard part of the world, man. Not like L.A. Today it was 50 degrees. People were like, oh, my God, it's so cold. I got a winter coat in the car. I went running today, and I ran into my friend, one of my neighbors. She had gloves on and a sock hat and, like, a fucking one of those,

what are those, fucking Patagonia, like, puffy jackets on it? Dude, my daughter, you know, she surfs. She was out 6 in the morning. She was in the ocean this morning surfing. God damn, that's hardcore. Yeah. You raise some hardcore kids, dude. Yeah, she does it year-round.

You're an animal. Yeah. Tougher than me. Both tougher than me. That's amazing. Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah, she's a badass. Well, you're gonna see your son play today, so let's wrap this fucker up and bring it home. Greg Fitzsimmons, you're on the road soon. What are you doing?

Yeah, I got, well, this weekend, Bananas. Oh, shit. Bananas in Hasbro Heights, New Jersey. Oh, that's a good one. Is it? It's my first time. It's a fun place. Yeah, I'm excited about that. And then I got dates coming up.

March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. You want to do it? When is that? The Improv, March 17th. I think I'm out of town. I think I'm in, hold on a second. Yeah, I'm in Orlando. All right, and then we got...

Sorry, I got dates coming up in a little while. Rochester, New York, May 11th through 13th. What's the website? FitzDawg. FitzDawg.com D.C., May 18th through 20th, and Poughkeepsie, June 2nd and 3rd. And FitzDawg Radio, you can get on iTunes. Are you still on Sirius?

Sirius XM, Monday nights. Boom. That's it. That's it. Good night, fuckers. Godspeed. Thank you.