The Joe Rogan Experience - #109 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: May 31, 2011

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

The Joe Rogan Experience. We're married to it. It's like us. It's not perfect. It's obnoxious. It lets you know. There's a lot of shit in there you would change. Who made that song? It got really medley really quick. I think Brian made it, right? Didn't you make it? I actually made it for the old Crackle show that we were doing. Did you just do it in GarageBand?

It's a mix of uh garage band and real instruments and effects and it's amazing you can do that isn't it yeah fuck man it's so easy to do stuff today you're not a trained musician do you play any instruments huh do you play any instruments no nothing you can make that i mean i played instruments my whole life like i played bassoon trumpet uh shut up i swear to fucking god a bassoon i played which one's the bassoon it almost looks like a tube i'd like this big motherfucking crazy thing it's a crazy thing to play i know why did you play that uh because i wanted to play an instrument bad but the problem you hate pussy as well no it was a perfect combination it was it was like i think

you had to do it you had to pick an instrument growing up. And I liked the trumpet, but after a while, it's just, you know. What's the hardest one? I thought the... Trumpet's the coolest one. No, no. Trumpet wasn't that hard. Isn't it weird, though, that we just made that distinction and we both agreed? Like, the bassoon is like, what the fuck kind of stupid instrument is a bassoon?

Meanwhile, the trumpet is like, yeah, that's pretty dope. Like, to learn to play the trumpet, that's cool as shit. People, like, you would stand outside a woman's like window with a trumpet why is that i don't know why isn't that weird yeah that's a weird distinction and it's a one we kind of all agree on i mean i'm sure there's some bassoon aficionados out there but if you had to ask the average person you play a bassoon they're like get the fuck out of here but it's like yeah i play a trumpet damn this is cool jazz guy yeah like who gets laid more trumpet the best trumpeteer or the best bassoonist yeah when i think of trumpets i think of like denzel washington and mo betta blues where i like yeah i remember watching that he's like cleaning

his trumpet and shit i was like this motherfucker loves that thing you know he's toning it up and polishing it and girls want to fuck him he's like i gotta practice baby i gotta practice i'm always practicing it's like it inspired me i practice, baby. I got to practice. I'm always practicing. It inspired me. I thought the trumpet was actually the easiest to learn. Really? Not the easiest to master, probably, but that was easy. The secret to trumpet is just knowing how to blow it. It's like using your mouth going that.

Oh, you mean just learning how to actually play something. Yeah. It is fucking amazing when you see a dude who really knows how to play, though. I saw Dizzy Gillespie when I was a little kid. Really? Yeah, when I was living in San Francisco. Wow. I went to a cool school, man.

Public school in San Francisco in the 70s was pretty badass. Fucking hippie school. Yeah. And they took us all to see Dizzy Gillespie. And he was a crazy one because you're not supposed to go and blow your cheeks out like a fish. That's not like the proper technique. But that's how he did it. And his cheeks were crazy.

They would blow out like a frog. Like he got, I guess he has like really powerful lungs and flexible skin. And because his fucking lungs are so powerful because he's been playing trumpet for so long. When he blows it, when he's dead now, when he would blow out his face it was like yeah it was crazy yeah and i went to see him and i was amazed that this guy can do all this with this make all this noise out of this one little instrument just because he knows it you know he knows like if he pulls it back just this much it'll make that much of a difference and if he hits this key and blows a little extra hard it'll hit that special note that he wants and there's so much variation in the notes you know it's amazing it's an it's an amazing

instrument the bassoon what you think it's son you know it was gross is the bassoon they when you were a poor kid the day they had ones that you can rent from the school kind of like a. And so the bassoon that I had looked like something from the black hole, like one of those old robots or something. It was just this beat up, rusted looking, gross thing. And the spit valve

was rusted. Oh my god. Like the pipe where you open up the spit and you blow out the spit. That was just all rusted. I remember that being so gross that was other people's spit roast. Dude, that's disgusting. You had to get a used bassoon. I didn't play that as long as the trumpet.

I played trumpet probably for two years or so. Yeah, because it's not just the bassoon, right? It's the bassoon. Could you play Reveille right now if you needed to? Yeah, I wouldn't know what I could play. I could play, but I wouldn't know anything to play. You know what I mean? i could play i could i could play but i i wouldn't know anything to play you know what i mean i could blow it and it would sound right you know so you couldn't play revelry what's that revelry what's that it's when they wake up in the morning

i used to be able to play it yeah but could you still remember it now right now no if you have two minutes no it's like i can't even remember spanish i took spanish for four years i don't i remember ola mota uh what's mota what's mota weed weed yeah c you know c tall is alto gordo is fat i know all the things people would call me so you don't know people were talking shit about you in spanish that's what you got good at yeah it was all body parts drugs and just curse words yeah that's what everybody does whenever you had a new kid that came from russia like dude okay how do you say bitch yeah just tell me the keys verde green rojo red so ari uh how was crackers you were in indiana or oh yeah indianapolis indiana it was fun i went skeet shooting it was totally cool what's that

where they shoot the... Yeah, where you got to pull, and this fucking disc flies, and you shoot it with a real shotgun. Yeah. You fucking blow it up. Twice. Is that your first time shooting anything? No, I've shot stuff before. When I was in Israel, we used to go to the rifle range a bunch.

They'd let the tickets out there, but you'd lie on your stomach there. I think it was the first time standing up with a shotgun. But it blows up. It's so cool. You just have to track it and fucking shoot it was it really trippy uh no i wouldn't describe it as trippy at all are you feeling any after effects of the salvia trip that you had recently you know i missed that place have you any afterthoughts what have you do you have any afterthoughts now that you've uh that doesn't stay with you that long because you had it kind of goes away. For the listeners, he had pretty much a breakdown on Salvia

where you started flailing your legs. You started... Yeah, yeah. I thought you were fucking with me. Right. Did you realize, looking back now, do you realize that Sam Tripoli was fucking you by saying shit like, I think he's dead?

Oh, no, I looked at it again. It's just me completely not trusting you. Well, nobody has any idea what the fuck you're talking about. I was waiting for you to join in. This is the most ridiculous conversation ever. See what happens when I let you talk? You were typing away. I don't know where you went.

Well, I was trying to find this thing because I wanted to ask you about, there's a story on CNN today. And I know that, for those who don't know, Ari spent a good deal of his life studying Judaism and the Talmud. Explain your whole situation for people that don't know. I was in Yeshiva in Israel for two years.

I was super religious. It's like this dormitory you spend morning to night studying. You can live around Israel too. You see the country. Most of your day, 9 to 5, it's really like eight to fucking 10 p.m just studying all day long with a break for lunch break for dinner and the services wow yeah but it was super cool super rewarding i was good and then i came home and lost my religion and that's why i'm a comedian and you know how do you go from

that to as extreme as you are now how do you how do you make? What was it? What was it that made you lose your religion? I just really thought about it. I really honestly thought inside, do I believe in God? And it just wasn't there. It just wasn't there. For the first time, I thought about it. And I'm like, I don't, like when I think about, you know, you don't have this core beliefs in your system, you know?

Summer's warm or whatever it is. Like you just believe these things. That's a bad example but it just wasn't in there it's just not in there i don't know if you believe in god or not but it's like you either believe or you don't believe especially when it comes to a leap of faith where it's like there's no yeah i don't think it's a believe or not believe i think it's i don't know you know that's my my answer to all that shit i don't know but but my answer is if it was an argument about anything

else except religion using the same proofs you'd be like what the fuck are you talking about there's no proof for it get fucked it's no well it's people have a weird desire to think that there's an answer to all this yeah it's it's it's and if you like challenge their their their thought that they believe in they'll get so angry they want to fight you and kill you yeah but i thought it's supposed to be a leap of faith. So you've taken that leap. And they're mad if you don't. Yeah.

Or they're mad if you question why they did. But look, believe whatever the fuck you want to believe, folks. We're not telling you. This is why I wanted to bring this up to you. For some people, it helps, man. I know people that need religion. They need God. They need some idea.

They need some community. Some fucking fiber, some path that they can follow, something tangible. And the Bible to them, it does it. I don't know, whatever. Do whatever the fuck you want. If that's what you need, good for you. Some people need Prozac. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it's okay. No worries. But here's the question. I know you studied ancient Hebrew and you studied... Did you study a lot of the Old Testament? Oh, yeah. Well, there's a research group in Canada that, according to

CNN, that has just proved and this is the story that they published, that the Old Testament has been massively mistranslated, and follows three years of research which has uncovered that the actual system for translating ancient Hebrew is, the group discovered that each letter is not a letter at all but a full word and what was

believed to be a word is actually a sentence like a description which supplies the definition of the word so what's the sentence a fucking paragraph i don't know it's a good question i don't understand this this is one of the reasons why i wanted to bring this up to you, because I know you have a lot of knowledge about this shit, about ancient Hebrew. Is what they're saying making any sense to you? What they're saying, basically, is that... I sort of get it.

They used to think, as far as I know, my limited understanding, they used to believe that every letter is also a number. Yeah, they still believe that. They believe that. So there's no numbers in ancient Hebrew, right? Letters and numbers are all the same thing. Yeah, if you want to show there was chai, it's a sign for life, but chai means eight and yod means 10, so it's 18.

So people usually give gifts. The gift of life is the greatest gift, so they give gifts in units of 18. Wow, that's a really badass thing, a language that's like that when you think about it. A language where it's all like numbers and letters are all intertwined. And like words have numerical value to them, right? Yeah, all of them. So it's like you can figure shit out that way. So really any sort of translation of that into something else.

Oh, you're losing something tremendous. Fuck, you must be losing almost all of it, right? Yeah. If you don't know the language, you won't get the meaning without any of that into something else. Oh, you're losing something tremendous. Fuck, you must be losing almost all of it, right? Yeah. If you don't know the language, you won't get the meaning without any of that. So you have to translate it. You have to read a translation. Does what they're saying make any sense to you? It makes sense, but I don't see how that could be.

I mean, they know what a lot of those words are. Do they for sure? They make sense in sentences, yeah. They still exist today in the same word. Abba, you know. So how could they be saying this then? And that sounds like they're full of shit. It sounds like nonsense.

I don't understand it. I'd have to really see what they were talking about exactly. I would think that it's when some shit gets on CNN that they've done some filtering of it and they know that they're right. CNN might not be reporting exactly right or something. I'm just not sure. I don't know what that would mean.

Yeah. Well, and all they have to do is really say a research group in Canada. Look, it's interesting shit. You really say a research group in canada look it's interesting shit you know even if it's not correct it's interesting shit and cnn is in the business of getting people to pay attention to interesting shit yeah you know when i go to cnn.com one of the reasons why it goes because every now and then they'll have some weird ass fucking story like this cnn yeah cnn has some good stories man you know you think of cnn as being like a mainstream uh website for for news and it is but there's you know there's some fucking fascinating shit on there whenever i go

to those sites i just go to the wacky the wacky section there's a wacky section there's always a wacky section let me look for the wacky news it's like man arrests himself after too many bananas you know yeah i used to have a friend that would scour those for jokes yeah whenever i write packets if ever i write packets for like a late night talk show or something right that's all i look for do you really you'll give me a fuck what what story am i gonna do about speaker of the house not coming to the fucking boat today i have nothing to say about any of that stuff anymore yeah i don't want to talk about it But if somebody tried to shoot a cockroach with a speedboat, I want to fucking know.

It's so sad to be in that state of mistrust of the government and just not, and thinking that the system is so completely fucked. You just don't want to, like, stop it. Don't even talk about it to me. Did you hear what the Democrats did on the floor today? Shut up. Shut up, World of Warcraft.

Here's my new deal. Talk to me about your wizards. It's the same shit. When people say all Republicans are just fucking idiots, Midwestern morons. It's ridiculous. It's just so silly to write half the country that they can't have any point at all.

I agree with Republicans on a lot of shit. A lot of shit. A lot of it's just gun control shit. Separation of taste. Yeah. They just have different tastes. If everybody would be like old school conservative republican the way it was supposed to be it would be smaller business smaller or smaller government get the fuck out of our lives you live people live people

alone leave people have personal freedom but somewhere along the line conservative didn't become that you know being a republican wasn't about it wasn't about limited government it's just like all things. They become what is the most profitable? What's the best way to do this? The best way to do this is be completely intertwined with business. So they're fucking robbing the world and bribing us all the time. Well, that's how we do it.

Let's just do it that way. And so that's where it is. You know, so Republican or Democrat or whatever the fuck it is, it's all just some shell game that involves people making absurd amounts of money doing shit that most people wouldn't want them doing. You know? Yeah. So it doesn't matter. Well, offshore drilling and all sorts of creepy fucking shit that goes on. Germany said they want to get rid of nuclear power plants, as is Sweden.

Sweden is powering off their shit too. By 2050, they want to be completely off. They're fucking smart, man. They just have to figure out how to make it, like, renewable. Not how to use those renewable ones, and how to make it, like, store the energy. Dude, it's the scariest thing in the world. The idea that they've created some area that you cannot go to for the next who knows how many fucking thousand years. But that spot, that one spot will fuck you up a thousand years from now.

If you go to that spot. You couldn't eat vegetables for, for like six months or a year. They said there's still some berries 25 years later you still can't eat because they store it in a certain way. Are they researching like a thing to stop that or to fix that? Like a goo that they could spray in the air? You know what I mean? I bet they are. I'm pretty sure they are.

That would be worth some research. It's a pretty elemental problem. What you've done is created nuclear fission or fusion. Which one is it? Sounds good. It's one of those. It's fission or fusion. One of them is a bomb, or one of them is the sun,

and one of them is a nuclear power plant. Somebody reminded me of this on Twitter. Which one's Infanta? When I was joking around, because I always joke around that these guys in Japan have made a sun in the middle of the field, and now they can't shut it off. I mean, it really is kind of what it's like. I mean, I know it's not exactly the same thing, but it is something preposterously powerful that you can't even fucking go near.

And we created it. Why don't we just use that as where to put all the world's garbage? That's not a bad idea. Right? This area sucks. This area sucks, so this area is just going to be A Tetris of nasty shit Fly over and just dump it

That's actually a wonderful idea I like it a lot Or prison cells Now you're pushing it Make it a reality show Watch them morph The latest thing On this Large Hadron Collider situation

is that the Large Hadron Collider, talking about shit that you can never get away from, the Large Hadron Collider has created a gluon quark, a quark gluon plasma, and it's many, many times more dense than a neutron star. This shit is so dense that if you'd have a sugar cube size of it, it's like 40 billion pounds. Okay. So what are they going to do with that?

How do they do that? Yeah, hey. How do they make that? Is that something that is around? They made that on their way to blowing up the fucking world is how they made it. If I was in that hot, loud, hot, drunken ladder, I'd figure out a way to do jousting in it. It's the densest matter available. It's impossible to us, for us to even wrap our heads around

how dense this shit is. What's really crazy about that is it's nothing compared to the density of the original universe, according to the Big Bang Theory. The Big Bang Theory states that the entire universe was smaller than the head of a pin. Somehow or another, just one point of infinite density popped open and it just exploded and created everything i mean it's a very controversial theory there's a bunch of other ones that other people believe in like brains like membranes theories that there's like every universe is like

a membrane sometimes they collide with each other and it's a never-ending cycle and then then there's another there's a bunch of different theories of constant expansion and contraction and that's what the universe does infinitely just constantly expands and contracts forever just like your breath that stuff used to interest me when i was in sixth grade that's when i was super into that when i found out the universe opens and closed and then i just sort of stopped you just got tired i was like all right don't know, there's a lot of shit I don't understand. It doesn't affect you

so you don't think about it day to day. I guess, I just stopped thinking about it. Man, I'm obsessed with all that shit. I'm obsessed with anything nutty like this

that I don't think anybody's paying attention to. Especially this quark-gluon plasma, whatever the fuck it is. That just... If you had your choice, would you have them

shut down the large underground liar so you could look into it further? No, no. I think it's natural. I think what people are doing, I don't want to be anywhere near it, but I think what people are doing is a natural thing. I think that we have a built-in tendency towards accelerating technology.

We cannot stop. We can't help ourselves. We need to know. We need to know what happens when I do this, what happens when I do that. I mean, look what they're doing there. They're spending, there's 10,000 scientists from 100 different countries. They have spent billions and billions of dollars. And none of what they're doing is going to help pull oil out of the ocean or fix our food problem or fix our- What are they trying to do? What are they trying to see? What they're trying to do is create a...

They're trying to create a God particle. There's a theoretical particle called the Higgs Boson particle. And this is a particle that existed milliseconds after the Big Bang. And it's this theoretical particle, if they can prove its existence, it puts a lot of the pieces together of some sort of a unified theory

of what creates the universe, what the universe is made of, what's matter made of. So if they make enough of these particles and put them together... They don't even know if it's real. They're trying to make it. And on their way to ramping up to make it, they're making shit like this quark glue-on, whatever the fuck it is. So what if they make this particle, then what do they get?

Well, if they do, they also get little black holes. That's one of the things they get. This is a real issue that some people are concerned with. Some scientists say you don't have to worry about it because it's just going to disappear because their mass can't exist. They're too small. They don't have enough gravity.

They'll disappear. But, like, fucking how do you know, man? Nobody's ever made a black hole before, shithead. It's all theoretical. You're just out there pressing buttons, and I'm not saying they shouldn't be doing it. Fucking how do you know, man? Nobody's ever made a black hole before, shithead. It's all theoretical. You're just out there pressing buttons, and I'm not saying they shouldn't be doing it. I'm not saying they shouldn't be doing it. Don't get me wrong.

People are like, what are you, stifling science? As if, you know, science, you have to look at it all objectively, man. Science doesn't get a free pass. You have to look at it all objectively. You have to look at what the fuck they're doing. What are they doing? You're smashing atoms together. And you guys are playing with rocks. You guys are crazy, egghead, genius motherfuckers that talk some people into letting you break a fucking hole through this dimension.

That's what you're doing. This is like, you know what this is like? This is like Half-Life. This is like that goddamn video game. You remember that? They blew a hole through another dimension giant crabs came out and portals up i'm picturing you sitting in front of your computer at 3 30 in the morning just going no i can't no no like no get out myself they're crazy people are crazy could you imagine the reviews of the courtyard of the merit across the street from the collider. Cons.

Across the street from the large hidey-on collider. There's nothing anywhere near this. There's a Howard Johnson's across the street. Yeah, it's an IHOP and they're complaining. Free breakfast, but across the street from Black Hole. I wonder what it sounds like when atoms collide at light speed. I bet it sounds like... What if it sounds like gay porn? Yeah, I wonder if it sounds like gay porn yeah i wonder if it sounds

like anything right yeah it's probably just whatever this sound like stick it in no you it won't go away for the rest of our life we have to hear that and my art my thoughts about all of a sudden nobody hears anything for one second right the whole world just skips a beat and then it went to this comes right back yeah. Yeah. Well, my worry about this is not this necessarily. It's about what does this spawn? The atomic weapons that were first created in 1940, whatever, they eventually spawned much smaller, compact, much more dangerous atomic weapons, much more powerful atomic weapons.

What is this going to spawn? They're not going to stop at the Large Hadron Collider. A hundred years from now, they're not going to be sitting around going, well, there's no need to keep fucking around with things. Never ending search for more knowledge. Yeah. Well, the never ending search for more knowledge and fucking with things. Yeah.

Pressing buttons. Seeing what happens. Making God particles. Do you remember the movie Black Hole? No. What was that? It's where it's a Disney movie. It's like the first R-rated Disney movie.

It was about a black hole going into a black hole. Whoa. What happens? What year was this? I'm not going to... 1980... 82? Oh, it must have been awesome.

Oh, it's badass. It must have been awesome. It was a complete ripoff of like... Well, it was not a ripoff, but trying to get on the bandwagon of Star Wars. Oh, science fiction? Yeah. Well, they had robots like R2-D2s, but they had to like paint them and make these big eyes on them and stuff like that. But they're pretty much floating R2-D2s.

It's pretty badass. I would recommend it. Badass for being terrible. Badass, yeah. Do you remember Good? Huh? Do you remember Lighting it? The end, though, I don't want to give it away.

The end? Just give it away. No one's going to get a part end, though. I don't want to give it away. The end. Just give it away. No one's going to get a part of this movie. You don't have to worry about spoilers. The producers will be happy that you didn't mention it. No, no, no. The end is really fucked up, and I would not ruin the end. But the guy that did it.

What? No. It's fucked up. You guys want to see this movie. You guys want to smoke a shitload of weed and see the black hole. I really don't. I really have no. You really will want to.

It's fun. I've got to be in the right mood for something terrible. I really have no... You really will want to. It's fun. I gotta be in the right mood for something terrible. I still gotta get to Toy Story 3. Huh? I still gotta get to Toy Story 3.

But the guy that did Tron, the Neutron remake, he's now redoing Black Hole. Oh, okay. And so it's kind of cool. The Neutron wasn't bad. The Neutron wasn't bad. Really?

It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. I didn't see it. It was pretty fun. I went to re-watch the old one and I was like, oh, I don't have any interest in watching this new thing.

Oh, it's good, especially in 3D. It's not bad. Yeah, 3D was cool. i went to re-watch the old one i was like oh i don't have any interest in watching this new thing oh it's good especially in 3d so bad yeah 3d was cool i saw a priest last night in 3d it was pretty fun yeah pretty fun which one's priest who is this vampire killer dudes oh yeah that looks yeah it's fun it's fun stupid fun yeah i'm gonna get piranha 3d i still haven't seen piranha it's it's like a comic book movie uh you know i want to see the hangover too why americana why yeah they have a thing there where you can get 130 different types It's like a comic book movie. I want to say The Hangover, too. Why? Americana. Why? They have a thing there where you can get 130 different types of sodas. Whoa.

You choose your base, like Fanta, Fanta Light, Sprite Zero, Coke Zero, Coke, Diet Coke. And then on top of that, so you can get orange-flavored, caffeine-free Diet Coke. Whoa. Yeah. It's a mixer. You can get grape, Sprite Zero. Whoa. Yeah, you can get... It's awesome. It's awesome it's awesome oh i set

that for like 15 minutes oh my god the girl i was with was like all right people are waiting i'm like you can let them wait longer i haven't seen everything yet wow wow all right held up the line yeah he would be horrible to be behind i know ari he would dissect every single flavor you get lost in it yep sorry you shouldn't put up that many if you don't expect people to look or how about you let us in early? I asked the lady specifically, can I get in?

I'm high. It's going to take me a long time. And she said, not until 20 minutes before the movie. Have you seen the flashback sodas?

You told her you were high? Yeah. I was like, it's going to take me a really long time to decide what I want. I'm really high. Can I just go in now?

Have you seen the flashback sodas? They've taken like Pepsi and Mountain Dew and you can get, they have the old cans and then they have real cane sugar back going back to the real do you think they should let stone people in movie theaters early so they're like how they like babies on board airplanes early yes deal with because you don't want me stuck a line behind me wheelchairs and babies right yeah with

small children absolutely let them on ford quicker it's an impediment at certain points not a bad idea are you think you over-medicate on marijuana? Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I don't know. What's over-medication? What does that mean? You wake up, the second you wake up, you smoke weed all the way to the second you go to sleep. Oh, I don't do that. You don't think you do that?

No, I don't do that. No, I don't do that. What do you mean you don't think he does that? You're completely saying I do, but I don't. Because you smoke a shitload of weed. Every time I talk to you, you're like, I've already had. Well, I just wondered. No, you don't have to call me a liar.

I'll tell you what I do. I't care i'll admit to anything but i don't i don't wake up and start smoking pot i usually take care of all my errands the way i didn't so i couldn't go to the bank the way you asked him was a tad on the douchey side no no it's true fact that that joey diaz does the same you know he wakes up and smokes weed all day and stuff like that i every time i hang out with ari ari's already completely baked out of his mind and it's like noon and i'm every time i hang out with ari well maybe you say that maybe he knows he's gonna hang out with you he wants to get high if i go to the uh if i go to my podcast i'll just do it like i don't like do it right before i go on right that's a legitimate question though not but you said it do she you shouldn't over medicate no no no later when you you want to explain? Yeah, yeah.

When you said, I mean, you wake up the first thing in the morning, and I was like, no, I don't do that. And you go, okay, you don't think you wake up first thing in the morning and smoke. Yeah, you said it. It's a very clear use of the word think. It's kind of douchey. Well, because. To question the truth of my statement.

That's what I. That's okay. The better way to do it would be to explore. All right, I'm sorry. That came across douchey. It's all right. It's all right. That's not what I was going for.

It's all right, dude. It's all right, I'm sorry that came across douchey. It's all right. That's not what I was going for. It's all right, dude. It's all right, dude. But the important thing is, the real question is, how often are you getting high all day? Like, how many days? I get high every day. Every day? Yeah. Damn.

Shazam. You don't take no days off? If I take a day off, you'll probably hear about it. It's a noteworthy moment. Yeah, well, you know, there's two schools of thought. And then I'm completely fine. Right. You know, unless I get some honey butter like I got last night.

A little bit every day, unless you get like a cookie. Yeah, cookies and all day. Let's have some fun. I went to Six Flags a couple weeks ago or last week with Eric Abrams and Sickler. Yeah. And we all had some of those stuff from NOCC, the banana breads. I keep hearing about these terrifying banana breads. Stay away from those.

Do not take them. On roller coasters, it was so good. I had about three quarters of one. And it was like, oh my God, Jesus. Jesus. Oh my God. I couldn't even imagine being that baked on a roller coaster. It's so great.

Especially Six Flags. Those are hardcore. Those are so extreme. They have one where you strap in and they lift your legs up so you're just flying. Yes. You can only look down into nothingness. What is that one called? X something?

I don't know. X2. They did have an X2. I don't know if that was that one. It might have been. They had X2, the Viper. It was so fun. It's so fun.

Season pass. You have to take everything out of your pockets. You can't have nothing in your pockets. That shit will go flying. This is what I did this time. You get whipped around. I said, fuck it. I'm going it i'm gonna risk my glasses what yeah i had a hoodie on i tied my glasses to the uh to the strings of my hoodie yeah and it's they never fell off though they almost got close but they never but i was like if they fall off fuck it right i gotta hold on i'm gonna die wow so it's like yeah but they never fell off they got close

and then i managed to push them back dude deaths in amusement parks are like whenever you see that final destination movie you know those movies where people are dying it's always like a bunch of different i never saw one of them but i have seen i mean i think they must have done like five of them yeah i always see the fucking preview commercials yeah that's great a train hits somebody a bus flips over on someone. There's not many deaths on roller coasters and stuff like that, really. But there is a lot of getting stuck. And you don't see that much. Have you ever seen the video of the people stuck upside down on a coaster for four hours or something like that?

That's worse than the fucking Final Destination flying off the track. Can you imagine being upside down that long? That would be horrible. And that shit happens all the fucking time. At first it's scary. Are you sure? Yes. At first it's super scary.

That shit's all the time. Because they don't even have to report that. Yeah, there's no one dies on that. It's like safety features worked. No one got hurt. Oh my God, that's terrifying. Sickler was saying somebody lost their cowboy hat on a ride and so jumped the fence to get it.

Oh no. And as he got it, he picked his head up. Decapitated. And obliterated his head. Somebody hit it with a foot. Like it was coming through one of those standing things. Oh, my God. And their foot got shattered.

Oh, my God. And he just died instantly. Oh, my God. It's like, leave your hat. Oh, my God. Don't climb the fence. Those things go like three feet from the ground. Yeah.

It's so hard. Oh, people make some fucking terrible decisions, man. Yeah. Man, people make some terrible goddamn decisions. But yeah, those are good days for edibles. Can you imagine the thought that went through that guy's mind right before that chick's foot went through his mind? Can you imagine how bad it would hurt?

Yeah. Blip death. Do you even see it coming? I don't know. Do you say, oh my God, I can't get out of here oh my god this is too close to the ground yeah if you're looking right at as you as you pick up and then just coming around where yeah it's too late how fast did they go so fast well i know the fastest one was in abu dhabi they just installed it and it was a uh a ferrari themed one because we did we did a ufc

there ferrari world and it's a big, yeah, big, crazy fucking rollercoaster with like, you know, one of them was over a hundred miles an hour. I think that's this one. This one,

this one, maybe this is the fastest one. This is the newest, newest and fastest. There was one of six flags that said that. Yeah. Yeah. This is probably as fast as the one you're talking about.

I think this one is new. This, this, uh, the one in Ferrari world, I think it's like this year. I'm pretty sure it's the fastest one ever. But if somebody hits your head with their foot at 100 miles an hour. Oh, my God.

It's lots of really fast. It would suck for your foot, too, man. Fucking God. Yeah, her leg got shattered because some douche had to pick up his hat. His cowboy hat. Yeah, she just couldn't ask somebody. Hey, my hat's there. Is there any way I can get it? what a crazy story she'll have though you know what freaks me out

is there's like those those traveling amusement parks that are in parking lots where out of nowhere there's like this like roller coaster in the in the parking lot of a costco circus yeah those fake those mexican disney world the store went went to get up mushrooms and went to watch it uh last week the week before. That shit's scary, man. I remember my mom taking me to one of those as a kid, and I'm thinking, Mike, mom, that's like bad parenting. Somebody set that up. You shouldn't have control. You should not be able to choose that for me.

That's murder. Yeah, there was always those down, I guess, like in New Hampshire. I'm trying to figure out where it would go. It would go to one of the beaches, one of the beach towns, and there was like those little fucking carnival things there and just really wonky roller coasters and shit where you like really shouldn't be on it. It's just erector sets.

They're not even real metal. It's just erector sets, tons of erector sets. And they used to have like haunted houses and shit and go into the shitty haunted house. It was terrible. It's like a skeleton with like a light bulb on it yeah you know like someone pops up like yeah yeah you scared me you fuck it's better than doing nothing yeah we'll go there exactly god i wish i could remember exactly what

beach all this shit was on but they were just the one one whack-ass ride after another they were all terrible really it was awful just movements and They were all terrible. It was awful. Just movements. And they were all just waiting to go flying off the tracks and into the stands. And all those people with their fake IDs that worked there would just disappear. All the people that owned it. You know what was really cool that I just thought of is that, I don't know how it was where you guys lived, but in haunted houses back in the day in Columbus, Ohio,

it used to be like, oh, remember that old house in the corner? They're about to tear it down, but they're going to make it a haunted house the last year. And so you go in this house knowing – seeing it every day as a child driving by that one old crazy house and then knowing it's going to get torn down right after this haunted house. It feels like that house is just like even a thousand times more scarier i remember just going through these old houses like looking around going wow this is an old creepy house that needs to be torn down you know that's a cool idea yeah fucking use it what's up with those dudes who do that shit on their on their front lawn on halloween like turn their front lawn it's like a child molester haunted house child molesters like they had. There was one we went trick-or-treating

and they had a maze. This guy had built a maze. I'm like, this is just a rape trap. Yeah, exactly. Built a maze with his front lawn. Have you ever been

down to the Venice Canals before Halloween? No. Oh, they all do up their yards. It's really awesome. Really? That and Christmas lights. The Venice Canals

are supposed to be really nice, but I know two people that live there that got robbed. Really? Yeah. Never heard of them. Their houses got broken into. i could say yeah that i could say it seems like right there yeah it's like you know when you walked on the boardwalk in san diego wherever and you're like oh there i can see into your living room right there's a glass thing yeah this living room that you're here only on weekends in the summer yeah well not only that there's a

lot of um our celebrities and they say you you know, they want everybody to know where they live because they think it's like a hip spot. And then, like, Jesus, stupid, there's not that many houses there. So people just go wandering around. Hey, look at that. That's that chick from that fucking TV show. Let's break in there. Yeah, and they know when you're working. You're working all day.

You've got a 16-hour day job. I'm in Vancouver on set. Yeah. They're like, oh, great. They're like, awesome. We'll rob your house. Thanks for the heads up. I'm going to jerk off on your pillow soon. I'm in Vancouver on set They're like awesome we'll rob your house Thanks for the heads up I'm going to jerk off in your pillow soon

How many people did that? If you knew you were Megan Fox's house I would definitely At least go over to the pillow and just go Would you smell her underwear if it was on the ground? If you said it like that as you pointed to her underwear But I wouldn't think to on my own. You wouldn't think to on your own?

No, I don't think so. Is that something all guys do? Smell girl underwear? I don't. I'm not into it. Pussy, yes. You've done it though. You've done it?

Of course, I've done a lot of things. I'm not proud of it. I've masturbated while I was shitting. Really? Yeah. Never done that. To see if I could. I can.

Scientific theory proven. What? Jason keeps his girlfriend's panties in a Ziploc bag when she goes out of town just to keep the smell so he can pull it out. Weird. And I gave her a good tip, and he was like, thanks a lot for that tip. Before the girl leaves or his girlfriend leaves, Danielle needs to take her underwear and stuff it inside of her, and it's so much better for the smell. Why don't you just go over there and blow him? That's what you want to do. Danielle needs to take her underwear and stuff it inside of her, and it's so much better for the smell. Why don't you just go over there and blow him?

That's what you want to do, giving him tips. Hey, I know you're really fucked up and creepy with underwear. Here's a way to get a little more fucked up and creepy. A little bit more smell. Take him and put him in a zippy. Put him in a little Ziploc bag. Maybe you could take a little paper towel and moisten it. Sort of like you would do if you're carrying home cigars. Yeah, you should do dryer sheets.

Something that really holds the smell. Yeah, holds the smell. Shove that shit up there. And then get fucking wet. That's important because the smell of good pussy is a delicious thing. But the smell of bad pussy is probably the worst smell you can smell. Next to like some horrible chemical shit that's going to kill you. Yeah.

The smell of bad, when you smell a girl that has an yeast infection, that is easily the most, it's worse than shit. It's the worst thing to have to ignore. It's a smell that smells worse than shit. It really does, right? Wouldn't you agree? It's like a worse smell than shit. It's like it's nature's way. Nature's way of telling you, listen, you don't want this kid. It's like trying to scare nature's way, nature's way of telling you, listen,

you don't want this kid. It's like trying to scare you off. Nature's trying to scare you off. The worst is when you look, and you go to grab. What happens with those things? You can get the, first of all,

you get that shit on you. You can get a yeast infection. A man can get one as well. You can get, you can get, I mean, who knows what she's got down there. What happens when a guy gets a yeast infection? I don't know.

It smells, it gets creamy. Dick cheese? Yeah, you get dick cheese. I think that's what dick cheese is. What does that mean? I think it's like some stuff that's not supposed to be there.

Some sort of excretion. It's itchy. An excretion. It's an itchy excretion? Yeah. It comes out of your dick? Could be from all sorts of pores. If you have sex with a girl without a yeast infection.

Yeah, it's like cheeses up on you. It's pretty easy for a girl to get a yeast infection too. You know, like when you see girls like putting chocolate syrup on them and like porn videos and stuff, that's sugar. Sugar makes use that, that gives you a use,

can easily give you a yeast infection. Brian is the king of information on how to fuck up. I like how it was like, uh, so obviously, uh, that's how you got used to it. Well,

you know, when you're doing those scenes, which do come up in everyone's life, lesbians, bags of sugar, whatever, whatever. It's the afternoons. Yeah, it's the stuff. You're the king of that. Thursday. It's a weird thing, man.

Their bodies are like, I mean, all of our bodies, we just don't think about it, are housing all sorts of different healthy and non-healthy, friendly bacteria, unfriendly bacteria, all sorts of different healthy and non-healthy friendly bacteria unfriendly bacteria you know all sorts of shit on your skin and when you have any sort of an imbalance like that some sort of a you know it could be for women it's like could be their diet could be stuff they eat makes them have yeast infections it could be the black shit underneath your fingernail and you just shove it into the girl's pussy and next thing you know she's got wd-40 and poop inside her pussy exactly or you could

have a dog and she's allergic to dogs you start finger banging her and also the inside of her pussy swells up and itches you ate shrimp at fucking red lobster and she's allergic death deathly allergic to red lobster right and your red lobster comes out your dick yeah and it's still potent son tentacle porn i wonder if you like eight mushrooms is there any way that girl can't get a yeast infection then? Yes. It sounds like they're always going to get it no matter what. Keep her legs shut for Jesus Christ. I wonder if you ate mushrooms and a chick blew you, if she could get some of the effect.

Ooh, I wonder. I wonder if you could. Because I know that you drink piss, and the piss actually contains psilocybin. And it actually takes the trip to the next level. That's what the shamans tell you you're supposed to do. When you're full on tripping, when you don't think you can get any higher, you're supposed to drink your piss.

God damn. And when you drink your piss, it's all that psilocybin that's gone through your system and passes through into your urine. Your urine is basically sterile. People worry about drinking it, but it's disgusting in thought.

But in reality, it's really not that big a deal. People drink it all the time and stay alive and they get stuck on boats and shit. You know what I mean? It's either drink your piss and live or don't drink your piss and die of dehydration stupid yeah it's gross

sure it's gross when you're high as fuck and you drink your piss yeah apparently the the mushrooms kick you into like another door you know like you know you went through the brian had a breakthrough uh mushroom trip that we talked about yesterday where he had like seven grams. Wow, really? Seven grams? The world dissolved and he became a part of some other world. What? How much did that cost you? It cost me anything.

Those are the ones you got last minute? Huh? Those are the ones you got last minute? Yes. What kind of an inside conversation is this, boys? We're talking about a very important thing that happened. You know what I was thinking about? I saw the story of Pixar the other day.

Where did you get it? Did you get it from Bob? No. Did you get it from John? What about Timmy? I saw the story of Pixar the other day and he was talking about how creation of CGI is all like triangles. And when I was having that breakthrough on mushrooms the other day, that's what I was looking at my hand that everything was triangles.

And so animation, like a person's face and stuff, it's just tons and tons of triangles. So I'm thinking, wow, what if I broke through and found out that I am a program? And that's what I was seeing, my hand that was triangles. I saw the inner programming of my hand. Well, that's a huge scientific theory, believe it or not, that the world is some sort of a computer recreation, that our reality is not, in fact, reality. It's some sort of an artificial reality that's that's been created no it's not even the matrix is the matrix idea was that we were using

like the human body you know they had to make it dark and disgusting you know the human body had gotten stuck to this machine and it was like you know we were sucking off all the biological computer program yeah sort of yeah but it was also a computer program. Yeah, sort of. Yeah. But it was also sort of like a devious one that was like plotted to keep people down. And the idea is that the whole life that we're living, like there is no real world. Is that everything that you see and encounter is all just a part of your imagination. All of it is. And this world that you live in, this world, the people that you interact with

are all people that you've created. In your mind, in this all-psychic world. And you would say, well, that's bullshit because I have my own world and I have my own Jesus. So you're saying that I can do it? Yes, yes, that's the theory. Theory is you have your own universe too. Of course you'd say that.

And our universes interact with each other. Oh, really? And they can change each other. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of wonky fucking ideas when it comes to what is reality and what is consciousness and what is our place here. Wouldn't it be that if you built that universe in your head

that everyone else is just a part of your head so they don't really exist? They're just telling you? No. Yeah, but I know that too. No. In your world, I'm just saying this, but I don't really have any thoughts about it.

The idea would be that there would be more than one universe. The idea would be that everyone would have their own, well, you could call it a universe. But we all exist on the earth? Yeah, we somehow or another coexist inside each other's universes. And they're almost completely independent of each other. But when they interact with each other, they can change each other back and forth. It sounds like total ridiculous hippie talk, but if you look at scientific interpretations of what some sort of a computer program of life would be and how detailed it could get, well, with the exponential increase in technology, it can get absolutely unrecognizable.

exponential increase in technology can get absolutely unrecognizable the computer simulation one day will in un in it will be impossible to stop it from being as real as real life impossible so to say that we are absolutely not in that when we know what human beings are capable of we already talked about this quark gluon thing where they're you know this insanely dense matter yeah we know star trek that's possible yeah we just think it looks everything's real and you have people fighting you and that's possible yeah all that shit's possible well this we this might not be real it's it's possible that i mean it sounds completely ridiculous and i'm absolutely agreeing with anyone right now who's going this is fucking total stoner talk yes it is yes it is but it's also possible it's possible that reality is some sort

of a computer simulation okay so then what when i came out yeah that's a big question when i came out of being sick and puking and going through this phases of just being just this like body was ill like out of nowhere i just became better like like and i remember laying in bed yeah we talked about this yesterday yeah i remember laying in bed going Yeah, we talked about this yesterday. Yeah, I remember laying in bed going, you know what? I think I just died back there in some other world. And in some other world, you are just going, oh, my God, you're dead. And this is a whole different. I froze up, and I was reset.

My program was reset. It might be. Because I felt like, wait a second, why do I feel 100% right now? And just a couple minutes ago, I was. Because you barked. And to the person out there, to the skeptic, to the cynic, the people out there, go, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is what you're doing. You're jacking your brain up

with chemicals, and your five senses are being overloaded for our limited understanding of this reality and whatever the fuck else is possible out there. Just relax on that. I know what you're saying. I'm with you 100%.

Of course, you're taking drugs and some wacky shit happens when you take the drugs and you think it's real. Ho, ho, hippie. What is death? What is life? What is the energy that takes us here?

It takes us into another place. It's the same thing as liquor where it's like you just barfed and you feel better. What is mushrooms? It's something on this planet. But it's what makes you think that that's what's interesting to worry about.

Well, I know. Whatever. What I'm saying here is what everyone's worrying about is what sounds ridiculous. But what they're not worrying about is how ridiculous are mushrooms in the first place? I mean, you're talking about, oh, it can't possibly be that you're reacting to a higher consciousness. It's just chemicals in the right. Listen, how crazy is it there's a fucking little plant that you can eat that can fuck your mind up so deep? How crazy is it there's this little thing that's like that?

That's cool. That you can take it and it can take you to a cartoon world of impossible images. That's its defense mechanism as a plant. Is that what it is? Yeah. Just like a jalapeno pepper. But why? It makes you want to eat it.

It makes us want to eat it. But the deers that it originally encountered, it told them, like, don't because it'll fuck you up. Is that true? Just like a jalapeno pepper. Yeah, just like that. Well, I know that's true with hot peppers. But did you know that the Amanita muscaria is like the number one food for caribou? They love it.

Oh, really? Yeah, that crazy red and white snowman-looking Santa Claus mushroom. Yeah. That's the one that they believe that, yeah, it's the Amanita mushroom. That's the one from the sacred mushroom in the cross, and that's the one that looks like Santa Claus. They love that shit. The reindeer are famous for it. Really?

They just keep eating it? Yeah, that's how the whole shaman Santa Claus. They love that shit. The reindeer are famous for it. Really? They just keep eating it? Yeah, that's how the whole shaman Santa Claus myth happened with reindeer. That's how reindeer got in the mix. Oh, cool. See, the whole idea, and if you haven't heard this, it's a crazy theory. I don't know how much of it makes sense. But the idea is that this mushroom represents Santa Claus. And at Santa Claus, when you see this Santa Claus,

and you see him, and he's like bringing you packages under the Christmas tree. Well, those packages, those bright, shiny packages, what those packages are is those mushrooms have a micro-risal relationship with that tree, with pine trees. They grow under these fucking pine trees. And they grow under them in the forest forest and people collect them. And that Santa Claus was a shaman. And the reason why they hung red stockings in front of the fire, well, those aren't stockings.

Those are red mushrooms. Those mushrooms are red and white. They're all red and white. Yeah, they are the colors of Santa Claus. And that's how they dry them out. They would hang them in front of the fireplace.

That's how they preserve them. And that's also why they hang them on trees. You hang them on trees to dry them out. Yeah, it's what you make of your reality. As you're tripping out, those drapes become a waterfall or something.

What's the poisonous one? I thought the poisonous one was the red. The Amanita Mascara is a little bit poisonous. Yeah, I thought that was the one to stay away from. Well, when I say poisonous, what I say is it's an LD50 rate that you have to worry about. You have to worry about toxicity. There's some that look like psychedelic mushrooms, but they're really toxic.

You've got to be really careful. I think this is one. Yeah, yeah. There's some that will fuck you up, man. But it's all in what kills us doesn't kill other things, and what kills other things doesn't kill us. You know, like sheep. Sheep can't eat DMT.

If sheep eat DMT, they fucking fall down to the ground. Their little legs stick up and they have seizures and they die. Like dogs and chocolate. Yeah, if they eat grass that has a high DMT content, they're fucked. Wow. Yeah. Weird. Look at us.

We have it in our brains. We can smoke it and trip out and we're relatively fine. Dogs can't eat chocolate. You know what I'm saying? So when they do tests on other animals, that's one of the things you have to consider. Like, man, we vary so much. Yeah, absolutely. This would be a good time to promote Shroom Fest.

Oh, yeah. So tell me about this Shroom Fest thing. I'm organizing an international mushroom festival. Ah, where are you going to do it? June 18th, 19th, and 20th. All over the world, Joe. Wherever people are. So everyone's just going to get on webcams?

Or are you just going to do it? No, we're all just doing shrooms together. I think Brian's got a good addition. Yeah, if people want to, what's it called? Webcam that shit. just going to get on webcams or are you just going to do it? No, we're all just doing shrooms together. I think Brian's got a good addition. If people want to tape stuff, take pictures, webcam, absolutely. Get involved. Be a community. Yeah, webcam it up, man.

Webcam it up. Yeah, do that. You definitely want people webcamming. Take pictures, take stories. On Twitter, we're going to have hashtag shroomfest. Shroomfest. So anything goes down with your plans, hashtag that so we can all look. We can all sort of be together with it So how do you avoid getting arrested? Well you know just like every time you do illegal drugs

Yeah but this one you make it very vocal How do I avoid getting arrested? June 18, 19, 20 Mr. Shafir you want to step out of the house please? This is the door, it's over here I know it looks like a giant gaping vagina with teeth This is the door I would not be partaking in shroom fest.

Why? No, I just did it. What if when you do shrooms, I might do it more than once. What if when you do shrooms, you enter into some sort of a zone, or if it wasn't shrooms, maybe some other drug,

where there was a zone that you could enter where everyone was in the same hallucination? A lot of people say that. All the people that are high who are out there shrooming all over the world,

you all meet in some giant world of Warcraft. That would be cool. That all over the world. When I'm on mushrooms at a music festival? Giant world of Warcraft. That would be cool. That would be very cool. When I'm on shrooms, I was at a music festival in Ottawa when I was on shrooms. And as I was leaving, as the whole crowd was leaving, I could tell who else was on some sort of hallucinogen. Really?

In your head. Really. Oh, absolutely in my head. Everyone's on just antidepressants. Obama, he's on it. I could tell. No, I can tell. You're in the vibe. No, it's Le it. I can tell. I can tell you're in the vibe.

No, it's Levitra. He leaves me smiling. I smile. Levitra. Nothing scares me more than those Abilify commercials. Nothing scares me more than Ari on Salvia.

Those Abilify commercials are commercials where your regular antidepressants don't work. So you take this one. What does that one do? And this one can make you suicidal. It can make you homicidal. can make you a fucking uh a menace but it's for don't queue that shit up

brian it's for um people who uh who are regular shit ain't working for them yeah does it that's like people barely hanging on a lot of uh a lot of antidepressants make you suicidal what the fuck be real careful and start you in slow doses. What a crazy catch-22 that is. Yeah, it's side effect. They're like, so if you feel more than normal, tell me immediately. You want to talk about Arianne Salvia? Yeah, we can talk about it eventually.

We're talking about Shroomfest, man. So, yeah, I'm trying to get everyone to fucking do it. To join in. Tons of people at the converse are doing it. Tons of people. I might do it a couple times. I might be in Vegas on the 18th. Are you just going to sit in your house and do it all? No, no, no. So explain to me Shroomfest. What is the

concept behind it and what are you trying to do? Let's all fucking do it together. Let's all do it together. Make an excuse just to do some shrooms. They're awesome. Everyone should experience them. Here's the reason. Just for the sake of the thing. How many freakouts do you think you're going to cause worldwide? Plenty. When I was planning it i was deciding um when should we do this and i thought monday would be the best day because let's stay away from the squares they'll be at work right get involved

with so many people were asking me they're like but i want to i want to do it but i can't take off a day of work yeah man what your your problem is you're only going to get the the uh societal outcasts so i added sat Saturday and Sunday. Oh, nice. So Saturday, Sunday, and Monday? Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I waited until high school was over so kids didn't have to worry about schools and finals. Wow.

So somebody's going to do something bad and they can blame you, though, when all this happens. No, you've got to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. It seems like that's not a good idea to promote a day of... Well, if I say,

everybody come out for a July 4th barbecue and somebody dies on the way there, it's the same way. It's like be careful. Be careful. Yeah, you shouldn't do it in drive. Nobody should drive on mushrooms. Absolutely not.

If that's the point you're making, good point. Yeah, don't do anything reckless at all. But have some fun. Organize a party. Go to a beach. Go to a barbecue. Go to a music festival. Here's the worst things that we could do with our time.

You're talking about portobello mushrooms too. No, I'm talking about psychedelic mushrooms. Make no bones about it. I'm're talking about portobello mushrooms too. No, I'm talking about psychedelic mushrooms. Make no beans bones about it. I'm clearly talking about illegal mushrooms but I'm still saying let's all do it.

Start looking now. Find your shrooms. Ask a waiter. Ask whoever your stoner friends don't know how to get it. If your waiter has more than one tattoo

Yeah, ask him. Ask him. That's a good source. Yeah. Especially if he's getting good tattoos. If they don't have it they'll tell you where to get it. If you tip well.

Yeah. Well, where would you go? Would you go to a bar? Ask a waiter at a bar? That's the best move, right? I would say like a Houston's. Houston's? A Houston's?

Just because my roommate used to work there and he was like, yeah, we all had weed. I would say Guitar Center. That would be a good idea, too. You know? You have to convince them that you're not a cop. Right. Because it's very weird. Like, do you have any mushrooms that were illegal for me to purchase from you, sir?

There was another woman who was a cop who coerced some guys into getting her drugs, and then they arrested the guys for drugs. Really? Yeah, the guy was saying that he could get it. It was somewhere near San Diego. I forget where it was. And I bring this up because yesterday we were talking about that ridiculous case where the woman went to high school, not just one woman, but a bunch of different people went to high

school and pretended to be high school students. And there were cops, undercover cops. They busted all these people for weed. Wow. You didn't hear about this? No. Damn. That's fucking rude, man.

That's when you're just being the man. What are you doing? Why are you hurting those people so far more to come fuck but my my point is like when you when you ask someone like say if you're talking to um a child and you're an adult right this woman has got to be like at least 19 to be a cop right yeah and she's talking to some kids. How much smarter are you than them? When you're 19 and they're 15, you're so much fucking smarter than them, man. You could

talk them into doing all kinds of shit. That's why there's statutory rape laws. Yeah. Because you can talk them into it. Dude, you barely talk normal as it is. You got a mouthful of fucking food. That's why there's statutory rape laws. It's so crummy, too. What are you eating? A cookie.

I have a basketball game tonight. Oh. I played with a cookie the other day. Nice. Oh, a pot cookie. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. It just says it like we're just supposed to know.

But I played basketball at the park with all my comic friends. Right. I shot lights out. I took a Jolly Rancher like two hours before. Oh, yeah. And I was on fire. I've never played that good, ever. Not in high school.

Never been that good. It gives you a certain sensitivity. Everything slowed down. The ball came at you. You're like, okay, I'm going to catch that. Should I pass it on? Should I work for a shot? Well, here it comes. I should grab it now.

You should try a pool on it. You tried pool on that? No, I just did my first poker tournament. Dude, you can play the fuck out of some pool when you're high. You feel where the ball is going. I've played pool high. I've just never on an edible, I don't think. Yeah, the edible is the way to go.

Regular high is good, but there's something. What the edible does to me is it tunes the whole body in. Whereas pot, when you smoke it, it goes blast right to your head, and you're high as fuck, but your body is in tune the way it is with an edible. An edible does something where the whole thing hits the same frequency. You get a control over your body, a feeling over your body. That's why sex is so good.

Right, Brian? Edible. It's like hot squared. Yeah. It's crazy shit. I think in these Jolly Ranchers lately, it's like doing Vicodin immediately. Really? Wait, what does that mean?

Just like super body numbness. So you just don't lie there? Really? Or do you just not feel anything? Everything feels numb. But Vicodins just make me stupid as fuck. I can't take those things. Yeah, that part of the Vicodin, it doesn't do that. Doesn't do that?

No, it's just more of like a body part of the Vicodin. Man, that's all I associate with Vicodins. I got Vicodins after my first ACL operation. The first one I did, they did what's called a patella tendon graft. And what that is, is they take the patella tendon is a what that is is they take the patella tendon is a really big fat thick tendon and what they do is they take uh they drill a hole and they cut the

bone out they cut a section of the bone out and slice the tendon and then cut a section of the bone out where it connects in your shin and then they open you up like a fish and they screw it into the bottom with a screw and they screw it into the bottom with a screw, and they screw it into the top of the screw. Sounds fun. And it sets and eventually becomes really strong like it is now. But the fucking pain of these screws that they put in the bone of your shin is hard to describe, man. It's Frankenstein. It's fucking hard to describe.

Wow. And I was lying on the couch. I had my second one done with a cadaver, and it was way easier. It was nowhere near the pain. But I would get off the couch, and it would be like lava. Like someone took a pitchfork and just dipped it in hot lava. Just burning? Just shoving it into your asshole.

That's how bad it hurt. It was fucking intense. And so they gave me some Vicodin. Every time I'd get up off the couch, it was really temporary. It would only last like maybe 30 seconds or a minute. But the fucking pain was, I never felt anything like that.

I'd had broken bones. I'd been sick. I've had a lot of like real bad moments. Don't tell me you refused the Vicodin. I fucking got rid of them. Got rid of them after one day. Because I took it, and I was sitting on the couch, and I was so fucked up.

I was so dumb. I was so dull. My mouth was open, and I was watching MTV. And I remember thinking, I will never do these again. I don't give a fuck about the pain. I don't ever want to feel like this. I just felt stupid as fuck. And I don't know, fuck about the pain. I don't ever want to feel like this. I just felt stupid as fuck. And I don't know, man, maybe

it's just me, because the dudes at the pool hall loved them. They bought those shits off me with the quickness. Can I have those? Yeah, man. Before I even fucking offered, my friend Jeff was like, hey, bud, you got some Vicodin? You trying to get rid of those things, bud? How'd you even

fucking hear, you vultures? They knew. They're like, yeah, this stuff sucks. I just didn't like how they constipated me. They give you constipation, too? Yeah. Really? How many times have you guys done these things?

No, I took it for my knee surgery. I had to take it for like a week or two. Yeah? And I didn't get the crazy stupid stuff, but I did get constipation. You had a meniscus. Uh-huh. Meniscus. I was getting a bone crack.

Oh, you had a bone crack. Yeah. Ooh,iscus meniscus bone crack not the oh you had a bone crack yeah oh had the bone crack it's all i don't know did you get like heel hooked or something did someone catch you in something i don't i honestly think it was kettlebells kettlebells the next time i did kettlebells after i came back from pt from physical therapy i could feel a tweak really i was like that i should this is what it was i thought it might have been before because i was like it was around the same time as I did some of those. They really add to your power. Your problem was you went for this long period of time where you weren't in shape.

And then all of a sudden you threw yourself into jujitsu class. It was after like a year though. It wasn't right away or anything. You were getting some breakdowns. It's hard. And you don't eat that good. No. That good? No, I don't eat that good. No. That good?

No, I don't eat good at all. We talked about that. I'm like, if you really want to do this, you have to take vitamins and you have to eat well. I'm really trying to get my candy intake to where I want it. Where's it at right now? Well, I'm suffering greatly in the jujy fruit category. Jujy fruit?

Uh-huh. All the sort of jujys? I never was a fan of anything other than chocolate. What? I don't try other things. Oh. You get bored with it. Live your life, man.

Get out there. I try them. You know, I try to go crazy, get a little Sour Patch Kids. And? Melon rings. I have some chocolate. Melon rings are good, too. Melon rings.

Melon rings? Gummy melon rings? Hmm. Not really a melon rings fan. Squirty gummy bears, peanut. Brian's trying to have the same voice in the same conversation when he's 80. Oh, squirty gummy bears. Yeah, melon slices.

They're all going to think he's a pedophile. He's like, listen, I just never grew up. I'm the same guy. Tell us about 9-11. Well, these terrorists are B-nose. That was back when you can get Twizzlers at the corner store. The gas station get Twizzlers at the corner store Go to the gas station Get Twizzlers before they made them illegal

One day Twizzlers Stop paying Why would you think you should be able to eat those They do nothing but bad for you Government come in, bitches, you know your shit's poisonous Shut everything down The Twizzler factory Someone has to come to the absolute conclusion that that's what's happening with

cigarettes. There's no other fucking way cigarettes would still be legal. They're paying the government to keep cigarettes legal. There's just no way around it. If there's one thing that's killing 350 to 400,000 people every year. Americans? Worldwide? Americans. Wrap your head around that. 300,000 Americans every year?

300,000 Americans plus every year. Dead from cigarettes. A tenth of 1% of the country. Well, look, they were going to die eventually. One out of every 1,000 people dies. Every year. Wow. That's a lot.

Yeah, that should totally be illegal They should give you like a year Every six and a half minutes We can Every six and a half minutes I'm pulling this out of my ass So we'll just Google it

It's every six and a half minutes Somebody dies Really? In America or the world? I don't know You don't know Every six and a half minutes I'd say in the world

Cigarette smoke I don't know You're just We're just guessing Why? Why even say? Because I can't imagine the commercial going. Listen to this.

It's even crazier. It's even crazier. Worldwide, tobacco deaths are more than 5 million per year. Wow. Whoa. Now, how many of those are counting somebody? Here we go. The most recent statistics.

America, 2011. 443,000 U u.s deaths attributed but it's only been it's only been five months no each year they're saying each year 404 sorry i didn't read the full full sentence to you what is it each year an estimated 443 000 people die prematurely from smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke. And another 8.6 million live with a serious illness caused by smoking. Wow. Oh, yeah. They have people like that.

They don't die, but they have a tracheotomy. Dude, that is some... Not just tracheotomy. How about people who have iron lungs? How about people that are slowly dying? Iron lungs? Is that still around? Fuck yeah, it is.

People still have iron lungs? It's like a... You see them at the airport, man. They're carrying around... There's some people that have iron lungs. Yeah. The thing where they force you to breathe in and out? Fuck yeah, it is. People still have iron lungs? It's like a... You see them at the airport, man. They're carrying around... There's some people that have iron lungs, yeah. The thing where it forces you to breathe in and out? I'm sure that exists still. Whoa.

But how about the people that are connected to those tanks? Yeah. They bring them everywhere. Things in their nostrils. And you know what it is, man. I saw a guy like that at the gun range. He had that thing in his scooter, in the back, next to his rifle, who was also in the back. Well, for some people, I shouldn't say you know who it is,

because for some people, I'm sure they have to use that because of an actual disease they didn't get from smoking. But it's amazing, man. Yeah, they shouldn't make that illegal. Those numbers are really scary. The numbers are, the trippy thing about them is that it's never discussed. You know, they'll talk about 3,000 people

that died during 9-11, and no one's saying that that's not a big deal. It is a big deal, and it's a horrible thing. But 443,000 people are rotting to death, choking on their own fluid that's building up in their rotten lungs. They drown. They drown in their own fluid. They literally can't get oxygen into their lungs anymore.

They fill up with fluid, and they die a horrible death. They have to strap them down. That's a thousand people a day. Yeah. That's more than a thousand people a day. Mm-hmm. Criminy. Yeah.

That's a lot. Yeah, that should totally be illegal. They should give you some time. That's so scary. Six months. Six months to a year. Yeah. We're like, it's going to happen here.

No, six months. I don't think it should be illegal. I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want, man. Well, the secondhand smoke makes me makes me yes that they should do what they're doing in terms of like not not in public that's scary with it when you have uh you know a spouse or children and you know you're smoking in your apartment that's a lot of people are doing that and those kids are getting sick yeah that's a scary thing do you know it's against

the law now in california to drive in a car with anyone under the age of 18. Really? Even if it's your own kids. And smoke, cigarettes. Yep. Oh, and smoke. Yeah, and smoke. Yeah, I was like, what are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? Why are you taking your kids to school?

That's ridiculous. You're like, really? You can't drive kids? There's only one way to keep kids from fucking. We have to keep them at home. Don't let them drive. Don't drive them around. They just fuck.

But that's one thing i do remember as a kid my my friend's mom always driving us to the bowling alley every weekend because we were in bowling leagues and smoking the whole way there with the windows open and as a kid i remember going this is disgusting and i told my mom the other day about it meanwhile here you are smoking yeah that's exactly probably one of the reasons why that or my grandfather always smoking you know it's everyone smoked around me as a kid that's definitely that's definitely not why the reason why is because you put a cigarette in your mouth and you light it and you smoke it no but that's why you're smoking cigarettes but the reason i ever got to the point where i would do that is

because i grew up with all everyone around me smoking that's possible but i grew up around people smoking my mom smoked when i was a little kid. She quit. I think she quit when I was like 10, something like that. I would have tried a cigarette eventually if they were completely legal. Really? When I was born, if they were legal, I would have eventually found one and tried it. We all tried them together when I was like 15. My sister stuck with it for a long time, man.

She kept smoking for years. She quit now, but it's not time, man. She kept smoking for years. She quit now, but... Fuck, it's not easy, man. You know, everybody, Brian will tell you, Joey will tell you, you can tell everybody. You know, you can all, you guys are both,

you're currently addicted and you were, you know, you're recovering. So the debate whether she was six months or a year is still open. It's just amazing. Let's say a year.

It's amazing that the government can somehow or another allow this. That they can pretend they're looking out for our interests. You know, stop fucking high school kids from selling weed. Get some people, pay our own tax dollars, or have some chick play 21 Jump Street, you know,

and go in and get some weed off some kids. They didn't even uncover anything other than weed. That's crazy. You know what that makes me? That makes me happy about our new generation. The kids coming up, yeah, they got arrested for weed, but look, what are they doing? Yeah. They're just smoking some weed and trying to bang some cop.

That's right. Exactly. I want to get laid. I had these people in central Washington in my show that had no teeth and their smiles. Whoa. So I was like, is that a meth situation? And he goes, he holds up his drink. He goes, seven years sober, man.

And I was like, fuck yeah. I was like, wait, you're holding up a a beer but you know what he said to me he goes you don't think there's a difference between a fucking drink at a comedy club and meth and i was like you're absolutely right and i apologize there's a complete difference how funny is that man yeah how funny is that yeah and i was like you're not even sober i'm like of course you are hey you need to take her advice from that uh little esther chick she says a lot of cool shit on twitter revise advice here's what little esther just said on twitter everyone that's in a relationship is delusional little esther stop move away from the fucking keyboard right this is getting too transparent i'm starting to feel ill There's a new breed of people

who love taking shit public. They love throwing shit out there. That's just silliness. Just so the person who has offended them will know they're talking about them. There's a little of that. That's a little of it, I'm sure, in that statement.

That's the kind of thing you say when you're 21 and you think you really have an answer. That's the saddest thing about life. You get older, you get more questions. Yeah, you realize, but you accept that there are no answers to a lot of things. You're just able to accept that. That's a tough fucking sell, man. That one moment where you have to give in and accept that there are no fucking answers.

I mean, we all know that that's what turns people to religion. You were much more religious than I was when I was a kid, but I was very religious for a little while. When my parents were breaking up when I was five, before I went to Catholic school and they cured me, they cured me in Catholic school. Cured your religion? Fucking cunt nun. This evil woman.

This woman was, she was just rot. Rot? That's what she was. She was just a sister man at Josephine. She was just rot. She was a rotten person. Everything was bad about her. She started yelling at me the first day of fucking school.

God, why? She was just evil, man. She was just an evil bitch. She's dead now, you think? How old was she then? Yeah, she was old as fuck. She was old as fuck when I was like six. But I remember thinking, like, while I was getting through school,

well, you know, every day I lived in terror. It was just fucking so mean. But while I was getting through school, well, you know, every day I lived in terror. It was just fucking so mean. But while I was getting through school, I remember thinking, well, now I have to like figure out what the fuck is going on. Cause clearly it's not religion. Cause I thought when I went to church, when I was a little kid, when I was like three and four and five, you know, church to me was like, my whole life was falling apart. My parents were getting divorced. I didn't know what was going on. My dad was super violent and I was just starting to realize that he beat my mom up for no reason. So to me, there has to be God. There has to be something. When I would go to church with my grandparents or whoever took me, I would say, well, this is beautiful. Everybody here is

being nice and God be with you. And they're all saying nice nice things and they're telling you if you do the right thing, you go to heaven and all the sins on earth disappear and dissolve. But this cunt was so evil. And she was connected to this. I was like, wow. She was like the shittiest salesperson for a religion of all time. Yeah, they don't get the right spokesman.

But that's one of the cool things about being Catholic. The religion is so ridiculous. Very few people completely agree with it. It's so over-the-top stupid and ridiculous. And, I mean, there was a story last week about one of the head guys in the Pope's whole thing about pedophilia got arrested for pedophilia.

This motherfucker got arrested for... He was trying to get Moroccans to deliver him young boys, and he was telling them to get them from kids who had troubled childhoods. And what was his position? All this shit was on – He was in charge of the pedophilia of – to make sure that the priest didn't do it. Like he was the guy that the pope put in charge of making sure that doesn't happen. He was there.

What's the branch of the cops that investigates their own? I don't know. I've watched enough TV shows. Peter protectors? No. Here's the story. A priest in the archdiocese of a top advisor to Pope Benedict the 16th

was arrested Friday on pedophilia and drug charges. And they have all the papers of this dude asking for, they have like emails and shit of him asking for boys and wanting them from backgrounds where they

didn't have a family and they're all fucked up. How ridiculous is it the guy that was in charge to make sure that didn't happen? This is his, this is one of the things he wrote. I do not want 16-year-old boys but younger. 14-year-olds are okay. Look for needy boys who have family issues.

He was trading cocaine for boys and that the Vatican knew about the problem for decades. Listen, man, they're all creepy. That's the worst part. I understand. If a priest does something, that's not the whole organization's fault. Dude, they've been doing this shit forever, man, they're all creepy. That's the worst part. I understand. If a priest does something, that's not the whole organization's fault. Dude, they've been doing this shit forever, man. They've been doing this shit forever. Yeah, they back it up.

If you don't make it disappear, if you don't arrest them, you're backing it up. This pope, when he was a bishop, this one that's currently in now, they have all sorts of paperwork showing that he was shielding child molesters. He was moving them. He was moving them from one place to another and trying to get them to avoid prosecution. It's amazing. It's amazing that anybody would take any of this shit seriously,

that they can still do this and they can still have meetings with Obama and everyone can still pretend this is some insane... The representatives of evil and you're going to tell me, yeah, it's a fucking cult of kid fuckers. That's what it is. Why is this not like on the front page of CNN? Why is that?

The only article about this was from some, you know, translated from some Italian newspaper. You know, like, why aren't they collecting all these facts and like really talking about this on mainstream news? I think some of it might be also people are just tired.

It's the same story for the last 15, 20 years. It was in the New York Times. It's pretty mainstream. No, they just translate the articles when I was saying it. Is there actually anybody really talking about this other than translations from Italian newspapers? I don't know, but there's been other stories about these in the New York Times as well. It's not like people are

avoiding all these pedophile issues. And there was also, like, in every mainstream story, or every mainstream news source, there was some big meeting that they had recently to deal with priests and sexual charges. And that was all public, too. A certain amount of it has to be public because it's such a known issue.

If you out there go to Catholic churches, you're going to an organization that condones this behavior. So just know that when you show up for church tomorrow or Sunday. Absolutely. You're joining an organization that condones this behavior. So just know that when you show up for church tomorrow. Or on Sunday. Yeah, what the fuck? Absolutely. You're joining an organization that condones that behavior. Yeah, what the fuck? What are you doing?

It's amazing, but you really are. Yeah. They're like, oh, I'm associated now with child molesters in my organization that are making the rules for me, but I'm not leaving this organization. Based on fairy tales. Yeah, well, based on who the fuck knows what the original thing was. Even if you believe in Jesus, you clearly know these people are, yeah, just go to an

informational church or something. Yeah. Well, they're not acting in Jesus's name when they're fucking your kid's mouth. It's that simple. Yeah. No, clearly not. That's right. It's amazing how many people can get away with.

There was a, um, uh, Bill Maher had a clip that somebody put up online from his show that made a really good point. And he was talking about how many people call themselves Christians, but don't follow any of the rules of Christianity. I just want to say it. Like he was talking about the Osama bin Laden thing. Like Jesus was like the most nonviolent guy ever. And he was the guy who said, turn your other cheek, do not be evil to your enemies, but treat them with love. And meanwhile, the Christians...

Going to kill Muslims with guns and horses on boats. Yeah, and it was really funny because Obama, they asked Obama about people that would... What's the controversy about the death of Osama bin Laden? And he was like, anybody that thinks there's anything wrong with getting rid of that guy

needs to have their brain checked. Yeah. Needs to have their head checked. Like, this is a guy who pretends to be a Christian. This was like Bill Maher's point. And that's such a good point. You know, because it's like the most neglected aspect of Christianity. It's like, you're not supposed to hate.

Yeah. You're not supposed to be angry at people. You're supposed to be all turn your other cheek. But not just love your enemy. Not just love your fellow name. What is it? Man. Take your enemy, the guy you hate, and not just forgive him, but love him.

Well, really, it's awesome advice. Why didn't they capture that guy? Jesus? No. Osama Bin Laden? they should definitely try to capture Jesus I don't think it's real I mean I don't know if it's real it might be real

they might have done exactly what they said and they might have killed Osama Bin Laden at that moment but you know there was a lot of reports like way back to 2002 that that guy was dead and they were always saying that he was very sick you know they were always saying that that guy had bad kidneys and he needed dialysis on a regular basis. I don't think they take the chance of him possibly being out there to say – like unless they know, they've seen his body, there's no way –

let the president go on and say, I assure you he's dead. It might come up that he's not. Yeah, but if he was already dead a long time ago that's what they believe what people believe is that this is this is some sort of a publicity ploy to keep Obama in office look Obama is like this this ingenious device that the Republicans have created my get it get a guy run for the Democratic Party make him black and make him do everything a Republican would do yay and everybody loves him And he's fucking you and you're clapping. Yay! He's the black president! Yay!

Meanwhile, he's fucking Bush plus. He's doing everything that Bush did plus. He's doing exactly the same shit. My problem with the theory that he just did this to win an election that's coming up is like, well, if they're going to do that, the timing is not right. Wait six to eight months. Well, maybe it is, though.

Maybe it is. because maybe this is what sets the ball in motion maybe they have like political experts that have actually studied like tides of the cult of personality and how many times how many months does it take maybe like all this shit with kim kardashian and all this this is this is us all the government has done is create these famous people for no reason just so so you can see, like, chart the tides of how much time does it take for people to get pissed off at you? And how much time does it take for you to recover from that? You know, when everybody was pissed off at Obama, how much time does it take for him to recover and be a bad motherfucker again? Well, he's got to kill bin Laden now.

And then it needs like nine months for it to fester in the American psyche. And this is like step one of a bunch of other things that will set in place. So this is the perfect time to do it? Yeah, they're wagging the dog. That's ridiculous. Step one, they kill Osama bin Laden. That's awesome. Now step two, they're going to thwart some nuclear attack.

They'll stop that, look like badasses. Serial, become a republic. Step three, yeah. And then they move into step three and then they announce all these new jobs because the government will hire like 2 million census workers. The government created 2 million new jobs. Meanwhile,

just a bunch of people knocking on your door, annoying you, asking you what peanut butter you use. You know, so you put it on a fucking census. That's why the only thing

that could have beat Obama would be something like a lesbian, armless lesbian. Armless lesbian. Nobody wants an armless woman. I think a lot of Republicans are like,

I don't want to run against Obama. Armless black lesbian. I'm not doing it. You think so? I'll do it in four years. I'm not running against Obama. I think a lot of people would be good to run against Obama. I'm not doing it. I'm pulling out. I'll do it in four years. I'm not running against Obama. I think a lot of people would be good to run against Obama if they, like, Ron Paul did. You know, Ron Paul and that other guy from New Mexico, the former Gary Johnson.

Yeah, in what way? Well, first of all, both of those guys are, you know, they're Republicans. I'm pretty sure Gary Johnson is, but I know that. What do you mean, Ron Paul? What does that verb mean? Ron Pauling it? Well, Ron Paul is all about smaller government and is all about getting us out of these wars

and is all about being, you know, honest about what's happening with the American people and upholding the Constitution and freedom of personal use of drugs and doing whatever the fuck you need to do. I think we need a new constitution made by people that we can relate to. That would help.

But then there would be a question of who would be the ones that would draft this fucking thing and how much would the government have a say in it? You know, because when they come up with things like the Patriot Act, you can't think that they're looking out for your best interests. So we can't let them come up with a new constitution.

So who the fuck, I mean, the system right now is so corrupt. You can't say, hey, you guys are all corrupt and fucked up. Will you please fix this? Write out some new shit. It's a good point. The people in charge would have to be. So who would it have to be? It would have to be scholars.

It would have to be the people. Well, they've shown time and time again that a lot of these guys, especially when it comes to economics, that are professors at universities, they're not only shit, they're whores. All these guys, especially the professors in economics that are detailed in that movie, The Inside Job. They just take whatever money they can. Oh, my God. These guys are getting paid left and right by all these different –

these professors in economics get paid to sign off on these different trusts and different funds and sign off on these different ideas and work for major corporations in the future, and they get these huge, cushy fucking jobs and make millions and millions of dollars. So they say all these things that are complementary towards certain styles of the market, and they teach certain things that would encourage the same sort of system that they have set up or had set up for a long time until this recent economic collapse. And they endorse it.

And they say, oh, this is rock solid and this is everything's fine. And it turns out if you follow the paper trail, these motherfuckers are, all of them eventually wind up getting cushy jobs. It's all, it's a real sneaky, snaky situation. My friend says anytime you see an economist on Good Morning America or anything or whatever, talking about Meet the Press, talking about whatever, they're selling a book. Yeah. They're selling some book. They're selling some book. They're selling something. So they need to say something

that's incendiary enough that they can get on those shows to sell more books. Right. Look at Ann Coulter. She's a fucking professional troll. She's professional at it. She goes on, she says a bunch. She's the vulture-ish looking. She's pretty if you're drunk. Oh, she's the thinner one with the straight hair?

Yeah, you might hate fuck her. If you were in San Diego and you were drunk and she was at a bar, I think you're funny and you're a dirty Jew and I want to suck your dirty Jew cock. If she touched my dick on the way by to the bathroom, gently by it, I'd be like, oh, it's on. That's what she would do? No, if she did, then I would definitely...

Let's get out of here. Really? Would you call her again afterwards or would you feel gross? If it was actually Ann Coulter, would you start banging her? Not just someone who looked like that. Would you start bringing her around the store? Dude, no. She's really cool, man. A lot of that shit is just her public image.

She's playing a character. She's playing a character. She is, though. She is. She's very smart, and she says a lot of incendiary shit, and it's funny. She called Bob Edwards a faggot. Whoa, no way. Is it Bob Edwards? She called somebody a faggot? Yeah, she called

John Edwards a faggot. What? And she still got a job? Yeah, man. She's white. She's a Republican. It's all good. She said on air? It was really funny. Jimmy Norton had a good joke. And, you know, like, I wonder why she thought that. Maybe she saw him more than twice

what do you mean okay he looks like a faggot all right when i made her say that i wonder i guess she saw him more than twice i don't know what that guy looks like but i love that the phrasing of that that's enough to like yeah you start assessing him what the fuck's going on with this guy oh yeah oh he's good he's the guy that his wife was dying of fucking cancer. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that guy. Having a baby with some other chick. Yeah.

I wonder, man, back before, we're just getting sort of to see now how many dudes were rocking it like that. All of them. Why wouldn't they? I think that was just a part of the way it was done. I mean, when you go back to the Kennedys, it's sort of like everyone knew. You remember when we were kids, we were growing up, we kind of all knew that Kennedy fucked Marilyn Monroe, right? Sort of knew, but didn't say anything.

Yeah. Well, it was sort of like one of those things. It was just like, we would just say, oh, this is a different time. Yeah. I think back when they had no accountability, they could just get away with shit like that. A lot of politicians are in the position to get laid. They do it.

You've seen a movie. You see some cop fucking a hooker. You're like, oh, that's normal. But then you actually see a police officer. You're like, no way. But why not? That's who's doing it. Regular people are doing these corrupt things. You would think, no, not them. Sluts too. You come across a slut in a

nice long dress or something. No, she wouldn't be like that. Yeah, sluts get regular jobs. Yeah, they're all around us. That's why women are terrified when their husbands go to the office. There's always that one crazy bitch that'll suck your dick in a stock room. And who's going to resist that? Yeah, I mean, you might live your whole life and never meet one.

Or you might work for the right office and this girl's crazy and she shows you a picture of her pussy on her cell phone and you're like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you showing me that for? And the next thing you know, what? You sure seem flirty. Oh, judge the million you later. You know who's the best at picking those girls?

Who? Joe Diaz. He can spot them a mile away. There she is right there, that dirty freak. I can see it. I can see it in her eyes, Joe Rogan. I'm putting Ajak on my dick. He had the crazy stories yesterday, man,

about trying to pass drug tests by putting various substances over his dick and then covering it with his foreskin. And tying it into a knot. Dropped into. That was just a joke. So then it would all drop into the piss cup while he was pissing

and it would taint the result. So he has two weeks. Yeah. He would add chlorine. He added chlorine he had a drain stuff he put in there oh my god he said he was putting drano under the under his horse like put a rubber band around it and burn some extra people i don't know yeah like the whole the whole thing i was i i was trying to picture in my head and made no sense it was like does he

put it in there and then tie it in a knot at the end with his skin. He really did that. He was just joking. Yeah, but how else does he attach it to his... Apparently, he said he has a big foreskin. His foreskin's very long, so he just stuffs it up there and let it sit there. And then he peels it back. That makes no sense. I don't have a dick like his. I can't explain it.

I feel like you have to tie a rubber band around it to cinch that area. Well, I think normally when it's soft, it's covered over like an anteater. So when it gets hard, then yeah,, some stuff, whatever you got in there. First, the chlorine was like crumples. It was like chlorine crumples from one of those things that you drop into a pool to chlorinate the pool. Something like that, like a disc or something. He shaved it, and then he put that stuff under his dick. My one-year-old nephew just had to go under the knife for a second time uh to do his circumcision and we had talked about this before and what happened

is the first time they did the circumcision it didn't take it started to grow back together or do something i don't understand what they were talking about so they had to put uh my nephew under and uh do plastic surgery cut off more and and blah, blah, blah. And my biggest thing, I was just like, wait a second. This is a high-tech hospital. Why is this happening? How is this happening? Why couldn't you just... I told my mom to get the oldest Jew and give him $100,

and that would probably be better than a high-tech hospital. Give your kid herpes, and they'll suck your kid's dick. Do you know that that's how they do it? They cut it off, and then they suck on it. Who sucks on it? The moil. Sucks on the dick yes you don't know that that the ancient hasidic practice of they when they believe it's hasidic

they when they uh the guy was what's the guy's name that cuts your dick moil the moil when they it's supposed to suck it that's how they're supposed to like stop the blood oh the ones i've seen just they use towels yeah they suck it too, though, dude. The traditional way is to suck it. There was a whole story because a baby died of herpes because a guy had herpes on his mouth. He had a cold sore on his mouth. He does the traditional way, and he sucks the little kid's dick. It sounds like I'm talking crazy.

It's crazy. But it's the real thing. I've seen a lot of traditional. Spell moil. Spell moil. M-O-Y-L-E? M-O-Y-E-L. M-O-Y-E-L.

It's a Hebrew word, so it could be M-O-I-E-L. It's M-o-y-l-e m-o-y-e-l m-o-y-e-l words so it's could be m-o-i-e-l it's m-o-y-e-l i guess there's a lot of traditional i guess there's i've never seen that before i guess there's this new practice now this new way to do circumcisions that the hospitals have been doing and the fail rate is so much higher but i guess it's it's more sensitivity for the kid and all that it's super safer but the the crazy thing is is my always double up the doctors say to each other's doctors it's an art like it's it's it's a guessing game you have to be so good at it and it's just experience all they do is just that yeah and there's a there's a video of a guy explaining why the moil has to suck a boy's penis after circumcision. So if you go to, look up on online,

on YouTube, go to YouTube and write in, Rabbi explains the importance of sucking. I'd love to hear this. Explains the importance of sucking

a boy's penis. See, I didn't make this shit up, man. I would love to hear this. This is some ridiculous nonsense. How do you find this? Me? Start with shark attacks. I was looking at you.

It all starts with shark attacks. Get in an argument with... Yeah, get in an argument with the wife, hide in the office. Yeah. Shit gets dark. Shark bites boys. Here's a little look.

Oil. In your idea, Here's the halacha. In Yeredeah, that's the second section. A little loud. It's a little loud. Four sections of halacha called the shulchan aruch, the set table. In chapter 266,

halacha 3, 4, 5, and 6, he describes how the circumcision is to be done. He says after the cutting, the mohel does what is called mitzitzah. And mitzitzah means to suck, and it means doing so with his mouth. And one could say, well, why can't you use a tube? Well, you could, technically, but that's not the custom as to how it was done. Now, why is it that way? Well, you could say that in the olden days you didn't have tubes.

Now you can have tubes, so why not? The answer as I thought about it is that it's not as effective because the tube does not seal as well. It's not as pliable. And furthermore, it's not as quick and it's not as close. You have to have a quick suction action. You have to have more pliability. And also, there's a theory. Some people feel that it is.

Some people feel that it's not. That the saliva of a human being has some antiseptic qualities. And it's actually brought in the... I've never heard of antiseptic qualities. This is making up... No, that guy's making up reasons why he thinks it should be still the sucking. He's not saying that's the law.

He's saying that's what he would... It has elements of cleaning of antiseptic qualities. Okay, kill him. That sick fuck sucking little baby's dicks. Yeah, that's not right. But this is the tradition, correct? No.

No, I've never heard of this either. That might have been what they did. What he said was that he was reading out of a passage of a book that said that that was what you're supposed to do. No, he said he reads out of the passage and this is the passage and then he then interprets what he thinks that should mean. No, no, no. He was pretty clear.

He said it says to suck. Yeah, but he says you can use a device. Because why not a device? Well, maybe it's not as good. He didn't say with the mouth. He said you can use a device. You can use something else. But he goes it's tradition not to.

Right, but it's... He's interpreting it right there on that video. But didn't it say in the scripture to suck it with the mouth? No, he said to suck. And that means then with the mouth? No. He said to suck, and that means then with the mouth. Huh. He clearly says it. It just says suck.

Okay. I don't want to listen to it again to figure it out. But I don't think I've ever seen the music toop either. I've never seen that either. How wonky is it that you're cutting babies' dicks and sucking on them? I've never heard that before. What a ridiculous thing it is. And people say, like, if you have a boy, would you circumcise your kid?

No. Why would I? Oh, his dick's going to look ugly. Like, what are you doing staring at people's dicks? By the time someone gets your dick, okay, look, what's the difference? There's a little skin that's going to throw you off? Good. Get out of here.

You're crazy. They say it's cleaner, right? It's cleaner. We do it because of the commandment. Joe, you know most people are circumcised. You know that, right? It's because there's reasons for that. My nephew had so much skin.

It's because there's reasons for that? My nephew had so much skin that there would be no way to clean his dick unless he pulled it. How do you know about your nephew's foreskin, son? Because me and my mom had a conversation about it. We actually talked about my nephew's penis for a half hour. Then we started talking about my penis. And my mom said that the doctor that did my dick used to always brag to her about how good he was at circumcision. He was like an artist.

And then so my mom goes, he did a good job, right? All right, what are you doing? I'm sorry. You can hear that. My mom actually goes, he did a good job, right? Does it look good? And my mom, I go, mom, are you really asking me if my penis why don't you just whip it out it was over the phone it was on the phone but i guess that's say did you say you made it you want some i think it's it really

is there's reasons why a lot of people should have it like some people have way too much skin that's a cute thought i definitely have heard but that. But it's not. There's no medical reasons. They say, oh, it prevents AIDS. Shut up. I have heard it prevents AIDS. It's a sanitary issue. Yeah, I've heard sanitary. Get out of here. It's natural.

You're supposed to have a foreskin over your dick. It's some weird custom we do. We cut it off. I'm supposed to have tonsils, too. Shit's ridiculous. Yeah, you are supposed to have tonsils. The only time you take them out is when they break, bro. You don't take your tonsils out if they're working awesome.

Your foreskin's working fine. You compared your foreskin to a tonsil? How about your appendix, bro? You don't fucking need that, bro When it bursts you take it out, there's no reason to cut your fucking healthy They used to always be fine, but it's like tonsils were fine too in the old days people died. They died. Yeah, it wasn't fine It was a big difference Thousand years ago has nothing to do with what we know now about anything. Well, I wonder why they started it in the first place.

What do you think made them start cutting dicks? I know why Jews do it. It's just a commandment. But I don't know why non-Jews do it. But you know why Jews do it, but you don't know why they started doing it. Whose idea was it? How did that stick?

I don't think it's just because everyone does it. I think there's actually health reasons to do it. what my mom is explaining because i i said the same thing i'm like why why even do it it didn't take the conversation that would be interesting if it was five years ago but with the world of google which is just look it up health benefits of circumcision here we go that's a good point yeah but because i asked i told my mom it's like leave the poor kid alone if it didn't take the first time, don't do it. She goes, no, the doctor says you want to do this. Get it one way or the other. Yeah, he's going to have a terribly scarred up dick.

I guess I could take off too little and too much. It's like you have a doctor that's pretty much going, hey, you're going to have a great sex life or you're going to hate your life. Isn't that weird? This is one of those divided issues in that we're going to find two completely different schools of thought on this. But see, if it was divided, it wouldn't be like 90% or 80% or whatever it is that the

people in the United States are circumcised. Yeah, I think it probably still would be because people do what they've always done. If the tradition for a long time, over a few lifetimes, is circumcision, it's really difficult to break that off when people start having children and the grandmother starts asking, you know, are you going to, you know,

take the baby and give him a circumcised one? Aren't like diamonds and wedding rings the new thing? The new thing? Yeah. What do you mean?

Wasn't that just like a hundred years ago? Really? Something like that. Was that diamonds and wedding rings or like you're supposed to spend a lot of money

or something? I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised man. And now it's like everyone has to do it just because it's like become accepted. Let's see complications. Let's read complications. Complications ranging in from 0.6 to 55% have been cited.

Wait, having it or not having it? Yeah, complications in having it. Okay. More specific estimates have included 2 to 10% and 0.2 to 0.6%. Okay. Circumcision is a higher complication. These are completely different numbers. This is Wikipedia. This is just wonky. Anyway, according to the American Medical Association, blood loss and infection are the most common complications,

but most bleeding is minor, can be stopped by applying pressure. are the most common complications, but most bleeding is minor, can be stopped by applying pressure. A survey of circumcision complications by Kaplan in 1983 revealed that the rate of bleeding complications was shown between 0.1% and 35%. I think it's more now is what the doctor was saying because of this new way that they do it. Higher rate of complications? It's higher complications.

I heard that a lot more people are having problems with circumcisions than they used to. And it's because it's like, I guess it's easier for the doctor, where in the past it used to be you go to like, somebody that does it as a living, like a Jew, you know, whatever those guys are called. That's all about the...

Yeah, but that guy, that's all he does all day long. Like, he's like an artist for penis circumcisions. Now they go to these doctors where they're fresh out of college, and this could be their second time doing it ever. You know what I mean? And the kid's kicking. They do it while the kid's awake, right?

Yeah, so they made it. I think what I believe is they made a procedure that was easier. You can't put the kid under, right? You have to do it while the kid's awake. Not the first time. They dip their pinky in wine and let the kid suck on it. That's just to get them drunk. Yeah, that's what he's saying.

Yeah, that's what he's saying. I was getting serious. They actually do that to get them drunk. That's crazy's what he said. Yeah. Before you touch his penis. That's what he said. I was getting serious. They actually do that to get them drunk. That's crazy. Your joke is what they actually do. That is crazy that they did that, though. And then they also will play with his dick a little bit. Get some wine to a fucking baby.

Jesus Christ. Before I suck the kid's penis after cutting it off, I like to get him drunk. Yeah, with all the fun. You might rival the Christians soon. Right. For weird pedophilia shit Who was the first I want to know what the fucking origin of circumcision was

I want to know what the fuck Where it came from We should get a penis doctor in here I wonder if they know I wonder if there's some ancient cave art It's in the pyramid It's good pretty dick When Jews said to circumcise your children

I don't think that was The new thing Like circumcision Was probably already out Yeah What caused it What to do What the fuck caused it

Sexually transmitted diseases Yeah it wasn't around A thousand years ago Wasn't it A thousand years Oh maybe the clap Stuff like that I think shit

Has always been around man It's gotta been around You know Al Capone died of syphilis. Yeah, but that wasn't... It ran Lincoln at Krabs. Yeah, but what was that? It ran Lincoln at Krabs.

That was the 1930s? Was Al Capone? Yeah, that was 80 years ago. Okay, come on, man. This shit was around before that. It's been around. I bet it's been around a long time. AIDS wasn't around.

50 years ago. Right. Maybe. I mean, I'm regressing again. Yeah, who knows? They're saying that it might help prevent HIV infection. I could see that totally. More skin open area.

Women have a way higher rate of catching HIV than men. 200 to 1. Really? Women are 200 times more likely to get HIV from a man than vice versa. Damn, son. Because of all that open, woundy-looking area. They can get all funky in there with yeast infections. And they have to carry the children.

So not circumcising a child might make him way more likely to get AIDS. Yeah. So that's a risk we're taking that way. Complications include having to clean it out. You know, like fucking fungus. Do you have to? Joey Diaz says there's no problems i'm not going to dust off of it he hasn't seen it in fucking five years he doesn't know

his heart's strong seen it in five years yeah well he sees it when he stands in front of the mirror i'm sure he gives it a look over with his reading glasses on and you know another question i asked my mom is like, why is my doctor talking to you about how good he is at cutting penises? Is that like some kind of hit, like he's hitting on my mom? It's a very good question. I'm really good at circumcision. You know why?

It's because all my life I've had such a pretty dick. I just want to show you what's up. Do you think about your mom hooking up with other dudes? I asked my mom once. Oh, your mom's single. No, she's married. But she was single for a while when I was from third grade to, I don't know, seventh grade or sixth grade. She dated a guy that owned a houseboat for a while named Denny.

And he used to take you on the boat? Take me on the boat with his little hound dog. That's so weird when your mom was dating guys. on the boat with his little hound dog that's so weird when your mom was dating guys and yet the worst one was is that my mom used to date this guy that was a pilot and he just got his license and like he used to have this one of those little small propeller planes like three-seater like and we used to fly back and forth from like different go-to-go places and i just remember going on like like six hour journeys in this plane as a kid, terrified out of my mind. You know, while they're like flirting in the front,

I'm in the back trying to read Garfield. He would take you up in a little baby plane for six hours? Yeah, we would go on trips. Like go from like Ohio to like fucking West Virginia. There's some dudes that rocket like that. They have like a little propeller plane and they just fly through the fucking sky. Get out of here. How fast can those jammies go?

I don't know. It's not like a jet fast, but is it like 150 miles an hour fast? Like a Cessna. How fast is a Cessna? I wonder if you can get a sense of how fast you're going when you have no... It was scary as fuck. And I remember going through a storm once. We went through a storm once.

And I remember thinking it was like airplanes. That was one of my favorite movies as a kid, was the airplane. And I remember thinking that the whole time. It's just like that movie Airplane. It reminds me of that episode of Silver Spoons where they all go down in a propeller plane through a storm and they crash on a desert island. I don't remember that one. Ricky's got a bag of Skittles or M&Ms. I don't remember now, but he had to share with everybody.

Wow. A Cessna 406 can travel up to the speed of 283 miles an hour. Wow. That's a lot more than I thought. Yeah, it is. This was like a barnstorming plane though. I think a Cessna is a jet, right? Isn't it? It's like a

fucking propeller plane, right? This was like one propeller in the front kind of plane, and this was a scary plane. Like somebody had to pull it down? Push the plane off? This is like, how the fuck, why am I in this plane? Maybe that's a dope-ass Cessna. You know, because I've heard something about 150 or 200 miles an hour that sounds that sounds pretty fast but either

way that's pretty cool that you could do that and have that kind of freedom getting your own plane and fly to another state yeah it's pretty badass pretty cool avoid everything avoid traffic avoid everything just land there was a um stephen king, and I read the book first, and then I got the movie. I think it was one of his short stories, but it was called Night Flyer. And it was about a dude who was a newspaper reporter. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember that book. It was terribly good.

I think I've read a book of short stories. The movie is terribly, awfully great. Yeah. It's just one of those, it's bad, but it's good. It's one of those movies where I'm happy if it's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm flipping through the channel's board and then it comes on. I'm like, oh shit, this is good. Let me get some popcorn.

Anyway, in this story, this guy, he had a Cessna and he would fly into these little airports and there was a vampire that was doing the same thing. The vampire was flying in. The vampire had an airplane. And would, like, jack people at airports and shit. Really? Yeah. They had, like, little tiny airports.

It was kind of cool. Yeah. It was kind of cool and shitty at the same time. It wasn't, you know, anything to be proud of. But it was fun. It was fun to watch. All of his stuff works better with stories, really. Yeah, way better.

When you start making it a physical reality like oh it's hard salem's lot pulled it off that was terrible i didn't think it was terrible you were young maybe it was terrible i haven't seen it there were random characters just popped up out of nowhere saying really important information but like who is that i enjoyed the out of it when i was a little kid when that guy was dancing in front of the window maximum overdrive i think maybe he just stephen King's never really gotten probably a really good screenwriter and director behind him.

His stories are so fantastical, if there's a word. You know, his stories are so much better in the imagination. You know, some of them like, you know, like the Tommyknockers. Did you ever see the movie, the Tommyknockers?

Never saw the movie. I saw Carrie. I don't even remember it. It was, I might not have even seen that one. But like Knockers? Never saw the movie. I saw Carrie. I don't even remember it. I might not have even seen that one. There was a bunch of them that I've seen. I don't know if I saw the Tommy Knockers. I seem to remember it was a made-for-TV special.

Carrie is really good. But the book is great. The book is really interesting, man. Pet Sematary, the movie's like, eh, it's alright. It's okay. It's not bad. It's kind of interesting. First I want to play with Mrs. Johnson, then I play with Mommy, and now I want to play with you. I want to play with you, Daddy. Whoa.

I like Maximum Overdrive. But the book is the shit, man. Pet Sematary, the book is fascinating. Stephen King is so good at pulling at raw emotions, like these people that wanted their daughter back, so they buried her. The whole thing about it's like the desperation. that wanted their daughter back, so they buried her. The whole thing about it is their desperation.

Then they had the cat that came back that was acting all fucked up and weird. Yeah, that was creepy. Those fucking movies. The movies can never fuck with those books because you'd be alone in your room and you didn't want to stop reading. You would keep going and going. I would read them when I was on the train, when I was living in Newton. I'd take the train into taekwondo in boston i didn't want to get off the train man i'd get on a good one and i'd be like fuck i can't believe my stop is here

already yeah christine wasn't christine him that was one of my favorites christine and i like the car ones for some reason christine was awesome was the car one yeah oh and maximum overdrive i never read that one maximum overdrive was the truck one Yeah Oh and Maximum Overdrive I never read that one Maximum Overdrive Was the truck one Where the trucks Came to life The one had the green goblin In the front of it It was badass

I just remember The green goblin I thought that was Is there any one guy That's responsible For more badass Fucking stories Than Stephen King

He's got a lot He's very very He writes a lot He's so prolific Remember that old Saturday Night Live sketch Where he was doing an interview And the whole time

He was doing an interview It might have been Dana Carvey. It was one of those time periods. And he's just typing away. Just typing away on his computer. He's like, yeah, I'm writing a new book about whatever. And he's like, how do you get your whatever? He's like, ah, you know, I go to the supermarket. He just keeps typing. And then all of a sudden he just stops.

And the guy goes, what's the matter? He goes, I just got writer's block. Oh, gone. And then he just goes right back to typing. That was funny. No one's got less writer's block than that guy. He just forces himself to work and work every day. I mean, he was working after he recovered from his horrible car accident. If you don't know the story, some

guy was talking to his dog in his car and not paying attention. He clipped Stephen King and was walking on the side of the road. Nailed him, dude. Sent him flying. Broke every fucking bone in his body. His hips, his legs, his femurs, his arms, his ribs. He's just fucked for like the longest time. So it took him forever to recover from that.

And as he's recovering, they set up a fucking desk for him and gave him a fucking computer. And he was typing away. He started working again. You know Ralphie told a story at my story show about how he got into a car accident and the same thing happened? Really? Broke all the bones in his body. They told him're gonna walk again when was this when he was i think

in high school really yeah and then uh he was like a jock and then he said he was talking about it he's like he just got real solemn he goes you know and then i gained some weight from there and just kind of spiraled wow how shit happens in life huh yeah it was really good because really everyone was just listening hard wow yeah yeah ralphie's got that thing where you don't talk about it when you're around him but you know he's morbidly obese yeah he makes jokes about it yeah but i still don't really talk about it with him yeah i don't either it's like there's a few of those dudes it's like you don't know what to say to him there's nothing you can say. You got your own

personal journey you're on, man. Yeah. And you're not in a good spot. You got to figure it out. You got to somehow or another turn that boat. Or you don't. Some people don't.

Or don't. You don't beat everything in your life. Yeah. And you know, for some people it's so fucking difficult to lose weight.

Some people just have it made. They can eat all day and they don't have any problems at all. It's hard. But other people, man. Like Brian,rian you fucking struggle man like you eat like a cheeseburger and all of a sudden you gain like five pounds like it doesn't even make sense a cheeseburger doesn't even weigh five pounds right somehow or another like you gain more weight than

you eat yeah it's it's all because my metabolism i i like today i haven't had one thing today and it's 5 30 you know i haven't ate one thing today and it's 5.30. You know, I haven't eaten one thing today except coffee. Well, that's not good for your metabolism either. That's terrible for metabolism. That's what I'm saying. My metabolism is fucked up. So I eat a hamburger. No, you're supposed to eat.

Lots of small meals. Oh, I know. The way you're supposed to do it. I know. That's what I'm saying. That's why I suck at it. Not eating habits. You did it for a while, man.

You got down. You lost like some stupid amount of weight. Crazy. How much? 60? 60 to 70. You did it over You lost some stupid amount of weight. Crazy. How much was it? 60? 60 to 70. You did it over the course of five months, right? Well, the majority of it was three months.

And then 10 to 15 pounds. Wow. How much have you gained back? I got down to 165. Right now, I'm 185. Okay, so 20 pounds back. Not terrible. But 165, you were done, or you were still losing weight?

165 is like the max That's what you want to be No I thought I looked like I had AIDS So I was like fuck this Oh yeah That's what you look like stupid Yeah I don't like the AIDS man

It's just your face You just get used to that round face Yeah it's like whenever I shave a goatee If I have a goatee for like a year And I shave it It's like whoa What happened to my lips Yeah when I shave my face

I'm amazed at how small my head looks When I grow a beard my head looks like it's 10 times bigger this fucking black mass in my face and i feel like i have this big fat stupid face my face feels fat and stupid and then i shave it i'm like oh it's my head my face is under there yeah i just shaved it for that very reason i was just like god i look fucking old and fat right now and i shaved it and i got id'd for fucking buying nyquil the other day at fucking cbs you always get id'd for buying never had that problem well they're supposed to you get id'd no matter how

old you are so that they know who's buying it oh yeah you can't it's not because you're carding you bro he carded you for nyquil bro no that's not what they're doing man they're they're doing that because you're you know you're supposed to get registered you're supposed to register when you buy anything they can turn into meth wow that's crazy yeah i love those moments in life where you're convinced it was like i guess i look really young and just have that convinced this is a fact this guy and then you'll find another fact you're like oh just because of that i heard some girl in vegas go oh my, I still get carded all the time. And I swear to God,

she looked like she was 45 years old. It was like, some people just want to believe that. I get carded all the time. No one wants to ever admit like, damn, my shit is so flippin' great. I thought they took the chemical out of NyQuil that you can make meth with.

Yes. They took the chemical out of most things that you can make meth with. But you can still do it. We can still make the chemical out of most things that you can make meth with. But you can still do it. We can still make a certain amount of things. Really? Cetaminophen and there's certain things that are very desirable. In there.

But codeine used to be in NyQuil. That was a different thing. It's not the meth stuff. The lady said, because when I asked her I was like, are you seriously IDing me for NyQuil? She goes, well, it's because CVS's policy is to try to get kids not to get addicted to cough syrup at a young age. And that's why they have to do it. Well, there's that too.

And she said that they ID anyone under the age of 18. Oh, so she did ID you for your age. Yes. Wow. But what kind of shit are you getting? Are you getting prescription shit? No, I was just getting NyQuil the other day. Cough NyQuil.

But NyQuil doesn't have codeine in it. So if I sent a 16-year-old boy in to get NyQuil, they wouldn't sell it to him? Right. This is a new thing? For CVS. Well, I wouldn't know because I've never gone to it. I thought they were just... When I say NyQuil, I don't buy the drink.

I get the pills, the NyQuil pills. DayQuil, NyQuil. That can't be legal for them to track who you are. But I've seen the other stuff. Yeah, I've seen it too, but when they stopped having codeine in it, I stopped buying it. I had it once. Wasn't it fun? I was sick, dude.

I was on news radio, and I had the day off, luckily, and I was sick, and I took codeine, the codeine NyQuil, and I sat in front of my fucking TV, watching TV, going, I feel so awesome. I was so high. Codeine is a very different kind of high. It's a very like happy, silly, relaxed, like my pillow felt great. That sounds cool.

My covers felt great. Oh, NyQuil with codeine was the shit. How much would you have to drink to get that? I drank whatever that said to drink. It said like a capful. At Benji's, he had a July 5th party last year and we had his grandmother's cough medicine

and some kids were doing it was it the real shit with codeine it was like the real crazy stuff well the real shit with codeine and it's hard to get

but you used to be able to get it at a corner store I know a comic who used to be addicted to it I think it's just over the counter I think you can still get it if you just talk to

like a pharmacist at the CVS I don't think with codeine bro I don't think so I don't know if it's the same stuff bro you can still get the liquid NyQuil yes you can still get liquid NyQuil and it'll still fuck you up but it won't fuck you up I don't think with codeine bro I don't think so I don't know if it's the same stuff bro I think

You can still get the liquid NyQuil Yes You can still get liquid NyQuil And it'll still fuck you up But it won't fuck you up as well I think the NyQuil Listen We were talking shit

And we just googled it We're just quoting facts We're guessing We've been doing this all day It's probably like 60 to 100% Yeah probably 100% And then maybe But yeah you know

When I was a kid I didn't even do the NyQuil For a while What I started off with doing is the NoDos because it was like speed and so I'd buy a shit load of NoDos

remember those NoDos yeah I took those for college just stay up do papers 20 of those motherfuckers Vibrant

I was always scared of that shit yeah Vibrant you would never do 20 because one of those things you take it man you're committed to that yeah

you know if you're for the next fucking 3 hours yeah that was my first my first drug a lot of people used to do that before football or basketball games to get up you know Yeah. Yeah. You know, if you're for the next fucking three hours. Yeah. That was my first drug. A lot of people used to do that before football or basketball games to get up, you know. So I'd take one of those pills, caffeine pills, whatever they're called.

Yeah. Now you've got that five-hour energy drink. Now you've got that. Yeah. Which, by the way, I finally read the bottle. It says half a bottle for moderate awakeness. I'd probably take the whole thing and be up for like nine hours. Yeah, now I just take like a third.

Really? It's always enough for me. I don't drink coffee like you do. Yeah, you don't drink any caffeine. You used to, but then you got the headaches once, right?

And you bailed on it? No, I never drank coffee. I switched from Cokes to Sprites. Just my taste changed one day and then the withdrawal gave me humongous headaches.

It was withdrawal. So then I was like, I don't want to have to go through withdrawal if I change my tastes. I agree, but coffee's awesome. It was withdrawal. So then I was like, I don't want to have to go through withdrawal if I change my tastes. I agree, but coffee's awesome. It is awesome. You guys are addicts.

Tate Fletcher said it best. He said, it's like a warm hug. That's what coffee's like. Sounds like an error. It's like a warm hug. Tate, he's right. Coffee's delicious. I love it.

I love it when I write. It's comforting. Like I write something and then I take a little sip. Here's my little reward for writing. Even as a kid, I liked coffee ice cream. I loved the taste of coffee. I do too.

Well, the shit I buy is from Hawaii. I buy that Kona coffee. It's so delicious, man. They're bad motherfuckers. It's weird how there's spots in the world where they just have it down. They can just grow one thing. Awesome. And then Kona on the big island of Hawaii, they make the best tasting coffee, man.

It's so good. It's like cigars from Cuba. There's like Balto Viejo. I forget the name of the place. And the climate is perfect for the way the land looks. It's a small area. The area where they can grow the best cigars in Cuba is very small. But that fucking soil, there's something about that shit.

The way the sun hits it every day. Whatever it is, man. The right spot on the planet. The right amount of dead plants have rotted in there over the millions of years. And it's just the perfect soil. And that makes the best tobacco. Yeah, and they've been growing them there for years and years. Like, they can make a real good cigar when they take the seeds from Cuba and they bring them to Nicaragua or Dominican Republic.

They can still make a pretty kick-ass cigar. But there's just something, a little extra kick. If you know cigars, there's a little extra kick about those Cubans. How many arrow peppers do you get in from Mexico or hotter?

Really? How many arrow peppers have you grown up here? How much hotter? I can taste them. Really? Yeah. Yeah, you fucked up.

We never went to that chili place where the dude died. I always thought I would go. Fuck, we fucked up, man. There was a place in Encino called Chili My Soul. That's where I was. Dude, encino called chili my soul and dude i went there with my boy tom hershko and david hurwitz from fear factor and uh it was a guy who

was just a chili fanatic and he was hard core like you couldn't believe that a guy had a store and he was selling chili this hot because he would have a bunch of different levels but there was level i didn't even try 10 i tried level level 9. And that was good. Oh my God. Wow. It was that, what's that called? Called capiscopum? What is that stuff called?

Capsaicin. Capsaicin. Yeah. I've only seen it written. I've never said the word, but that stuff, he had that stuff in it and it had the ghost pepper. Yeah, the Indian ghost pepper. Yes.

That's what it's called, the ghost pepper. Yeah. He had one of those, got one, man. Yes, he had the extract of Ghost Pepper in some of his shit. Yeah, I saw that at a hot sauce place in Austin. But it was at a place that served hot sauce bottles. The Scoville units are off the charts. So I didn't even have the super crazy death shit. I had one notch below that.

I put one scoop into my mouth. My tongue went numb. I started hiccuping completely uncontrollably. Tears were flowing down my face. Snot was pouring down my nose. Now you can see how that's a defense mechanism. Yeah. Oh my god.

You would never try that again if you accidentally were like, maybe I'll try this berry. You would never try that berry again. But he told me that he would get dudes that would come in from Tibet, especially. Like, people had heard about it. Like, Tibetan dudes apparently have insane tolerance for hot foods. And they would come in and take his death shit

and pour more death sauce, more capsaicin, capsaicin? Pour that shit on his chili. And he couldn't believe they could eat it. He would sit there watching them, and these guys would just love it. They were sweating and loving it. Loving it. It's like, I guess, different people in different climates develop some sort of a different tolerance.

40 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM

00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM 00RDM He died in a closed He was a big guy He ate a lot of his own chili

They used to have it too at that place The Griddle They used to have his chilies They used to sell them there That's how I found out the guy died Because I said hey you guys don't have those chilies anymore And they go oh the guy died I'm like oh no

Such a bummer man See that's when those people die Like when Macho Man Randy Savage died It's like it's too bad. But he wasn't in my world anymore. He wasn't assisting me. Or Michael Jackson, he's not making any good music anymore. But when a guy like that dies, you have a loss now.

Yeah, well, he was a real chilly connoisseur. I would have loved to have seen him on that Anthony Bourdain show. The No Reservation show. He would have definitely had to have visited that guy if the guy stayed alive. But anyway, his chilies were the shit, man. He had like all these different flavors, and they were just, all of them would just, you'd be sweating. And he had like these hardcore dudes that would go there. Like he had like recommendations and all these articles written about his place

all over the wall. It was just because it was, the chili was so hardcore that you, you know, like all the crazy people would be like, dude, we found the spot. If you're really insane into that hot food, some people can just throw it down. I love it. I do too. I do too,

but I don't think I can take as much as you can take. My dad was way more than me. Really? Yeah. It's also,

it's a stupid thing people somehow make it like, oh, I'm tough, I can do this. You're not tough, you just like that stuff better. It's a manly thing,

how much you can take. That's what I told you. The same thing. People in Australia are making fun of me because I wasn't drinking so much. Like, oh, you have no tolerance. I was like, light up a joint, and I will take this whole country on. Let's do this. You want to talk about manhood?

Let's fucking do this. That's totally unfair because they don't have real pot there. No, they don't. I mean, they do, but they don't. They think they do. They think their pot's awesome. Yeah. You're like, that's cute. You mean, they do, but they don't. They think they do. They think their pot's awesome. Yeah. You're like, that's cute.

You want to like rub their head. Sweet. Yeah. Sweet with your little 15% THC. Joey Diaz brought some shit over yesterday. It was 34% THC. The Matt's?

Is that what he brought? Matt's OG Kush. That's ridiculous. That shit can change the world. Okay. If we get enough people to try Matt's og kush it could change the fucking world for the whole ride too it takes you for the whole ride and when you're

done you have some things to think about yeah and you have to like oh i need a nap now yeah and you got some things to think about there might be somebody you want to call up and apologize for some shit that happened in the seventh grade yeah just alex moore yesterday had this stuff he grows this og kush from the same clone as the guy who grows this store and he the little buds are too small

they boil it down and make honey butter out of it have you guys ever seen that oh my god they sift it through butane let the butane until it melts

into like paste let the butane burn off because it just evaporates in the air and then it's just this like paste and it's so brutally high oh my god

it's crazy I'm so scared just listening to you talk about that i know fuck that i think he said half grams go for like 60 people don't even know that have never eaten it they really don't know they don't they are people especially squares or people really straight they don't know that experience how terrible when we joke around about it like when joey pulled out that cookie yesterday, I got scared. That looks scary. I got that taste in my mouth after eating mushrooms right before you start tripping.

First of all, there's a smell that certain really powerful edibles have. There's a smell. On the airline to Australia? Those are from the same place he gets them from. Oh. No, there's nothing on the airline to Australia. You didn't do that.

There's no way you would do something that ridiculous. Nobody caught me. It's just a story. It's just a story. It's fiction, folks. Anyway, yeah, there's a smell. You opened up that cart, and I was like, we're going to jail. I didn't expect it to smell like that.

Oh, my God, it didn't smell. I didn't expect. Especially in that tube, that plane. Oh, my God. When you broke that Tupperware seal, and that hit me, I was like, I was thinking, I was thinking, I hope things ran through my mind. Mugshot, mugshot, stamping the hand, stamping the hand, fingerprints, cuffs, jail door shut, phone call to lawyer.

Shit. How much? Motherfucker. I could be here for how long? God damn it, Ari. Slapping Ari. I thought of like flashes. I had like a slideshow.

Prison cell. You ever have a friend who curses in public and you see all these kids behind you and he just forgot where he was? He's like, shut up! That was that feeling. The same thing. Put that away! Dude, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, oh my God.

First of all, you just brought so much. There was no way you could eat it all. No. It was for the trip. But we were too deep in, too. There was only a couple hours to land i'm like i can't do this now the last thing you want to do is be baked to the gills and then go through foreign country customs i chucked them i didn't take them in yeah dude

well i show up for planes high but i don't bring anything on me but when we were in australia i i ate a cookie right before we left for the airport so So by the time we got for the airport, I'm giving this lady my passport, and she's telling me that it doesn't look anything like me. And you're believing her? She's just some dumb. No, she's just a dumb, dumb cunt. My face is way more melted. She was just dumb.

I was like, it was one of those things where you're talking to somebody, and you're like, I can't believe I'm forced to have a conversation with you, and you're in some sort of position of power. I go, that's me. She goes, it doesn't look anything like you. I go, what are you talking about? I go, that's me believe I'm forced to have a conversation with you. And you're in some sort of position of power. I go, that's me. She goes, it doesn't look anything like you. I go, what are you talking about? I go, that's me. I'm smiling in that picture.

Like, see? That's me. I got a big smile. She shakes her head. Are you shaking your head because this isn't me? What are you saying? I got it ambivalent. I'm like, this is ridiculous.

She wasn't going to let you in? Dude, she was questioning me. I was like, oh my god, lady. I've been here for three days. I work for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. I'm going. this is ridiculous. She wasn't going to let you in? Dude, she was questioning me. I was like, oh my God, lady. I've been here for three days. I work for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. I'm going. Oh, wow. The fuck.

Oh, wow. Crazy Australian broad. They're all crazy up there. Oh, they are. But at least, you know, they let you in. In Canada, they're like, no, you cut a fart in high school. Go home. That's all it takes, really.

Oh my God. You did anything fucked up. Even if what you did was like exonerate, you were exonerated from, you're still getting pulled into a room. Eddie Bravo can't go to Canada without getting pulled into a room because he got a gun charge that was illegal. He had a gun on him. He was legal. He was working for a check cashing company, carrying around a ton of cash with him. He got pulled over for a traffic violation and he informed the officer, I have a loaded gun in the car. He said, thank you, step out. Why do you need this? They handcuff him, they put him in the car. I work for a cash cashing company. I have to carry

a gun. I carry large amounts of cash. They check up at the store. Okay, you're all set. Here's your gun. Free to go. But it's still on his record. So every time we go to Canada, he gets pulled over into a fucking room and they grill him. That's nuts. Yeah, they don't fuck around in canada son what are you doing he went brian's in another place today brian's strange brian today brian why won't you do shrimp for us why won't you be a part of it i'm honestly i i just ate there's no reason i need to reset my body before i go back and yeah it's good to take time off, bro.

You learned something. You had a crazy trip. And everybody who says that you don't learn anything, and it's just like, fuck you. I'm so tired of that argument, man. It's online all the time. Like, you don't learn anything. You're just throwing your brain.

You definitely haven't done it. Here's what I think. I don't feel that there's a connection to a higher power or anything like that, but I learned stuff about myself and what would make me happy. I see myself and my place in the world clearly. Right. And the more that I could hold on to and take back with me, the better it is for me. Well, the idea is that that is the higher power. The higher power is realization.

The higher power is understanding. The higher power is a stage of enlightenment that you can achieve while under the spell of the mushroom that you don't normally have oh that is the higher it's not god it's a higher amount of power you keep going deeper and deeper it connects you more and more to the truth and more and more to the love and that what you're getting out of it by getting a fresh perspective on yourself and dissolving your ego and you know you feel this connection of love and everything what it's supposed to be is you connecting to the gaia to mother, to the true love of the universe. And then coming back to reality and have something to sort of learn from.

And have something to sort of like, you know, look at your life. I mean, that is the idea of the higher power. I remember sitting in my car and thinking, there's no reason I don't tell people, like other comedians would say, that I like something they do. Just show my support. Instead of keeping it quiet and only saying, ah, this is messed up. Just tell them. I remember writing a letter to Chris Fair fairbanks saying you have a really interesting delivery style and it's cool that it works like that it's like technically that's awesome that's

cool he just said thank you i really appreciate that and that's that's like why wouldn't i be doing that why would i be holding myself back from doing that shit i know for so long yeah i love when um like i mean i it's you're not supposed to say it but i love when i get emails from like comics that I respect, and they say they saw something. It's like, Stan Hope will send me some email, and he saw something that I did and loved it. I'm like, ah.

It's a nice feeling. And I do it all the time. The other day really had me going. I do that all the time, especially in person. I love to do that in person. You see a guy light up, and you tell him, like, God damn, that bit you did was awesome. Especially not telling him right after they get off. You're telling him, like,

I remember that, by the way. I'll see you after that, but I want to tell you. That too. Well, even when they, I mean, whenever you tell them, it doesn't matter. Just tell them. Yeah, man, you know, it's all hippie bullshit. Everybody, you know,

Hey, man, fucking hippie bullshit. Spreading all that love, you queers. Go suck each other's dicks. See, that was totally his bad. If you talk that way, if you have that, like, why are you so unhappy? Don't be unhappy Because a lot of dudes are insecure

They're insecure And they're struggling And they don't have what they want And when you're in a state Where you don't have what you want And you haven't achieved what you want You're in this constant state of unease And when you see people who are at ease

There's a tendency A natural tendency That I've experienced myself To shit on those people to shit on those people. To shit on those people and go, oh, this fucking asshole. What, you think because you got some money, you're better than me? That's what you're thinking. Yeah.

Like, oh, yeah, well, you're a fucking materialist. Yeah, great. Like, you're real deep. Yeah. There's important things in life other than your career, your life. And they want to say this just because they're in a position of unease. Yeah, they want to hold you back. It's like hating the Kardashians. Yeah. It's hard to

like anything, man. A lot of people have a hard time liking things. They have a hard time enjoying things because they don't like themselves. Even if you're not into it or whatever, you can like lots of stuff. You can be like, that was awesome. Some pitcher can be terrible, but you can throw one good pitch during a game, get lit for 14 runs, but one fucking beautiful pitch, you can appreciate that one pitch.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm saying you can see the positives in everything. Yes. You don't have to hate everything. Just because they're more successful, you don't have to hate them. I deal with a lot of these message boards, especially for mixed martial arts and the disrespect that these guys show to fighters that are doing the most dangerous and most fucked up job in the world, the riskiest job outside of being a soldier or a cop or a fire person, someone who actually risked their life,

the next riskiest job is probably being a mixed martial arts fighter. There's very little chance you're going to have a good future. There's a real high chance you're going to get badly, badly injured. You may never make a lot of money. Yeah, you're going to have a good future. There's a real high chance you're going to get badly, badly injured. And you may never make a lot of money. Yeah, you're going to have knee reconstructions. Everybody has broken hands. There's always shit that's going to go wrong. And if you do it right, you can get glory,

and you can get to a great financial place. But it's risky as fuck. And I think that people owe, the people who are fans, owe those people who are out there doing it and trying it, you owe them your respect. Some level of respect. When you see somebody super running, a lot of times it's like... Well, you know, you say he didn't have a good style.

You say he didn't fight well. It wasn't a good fight. But to call him like a fag and all this, these things that they say on these forums, that people, they get so fucking insulting of fighters and shit all over all their performances. It's like, man, guys cancel each other out. Like, people were shitting all over Tiago Alves.

Like, Tiago was like, shit, couldn't pull the trigger. Rick Story's a beast, man. That kid's a gorilla. That kid jumped all over Tiago, kneed the fuck out of his legs, didn't give him any inches, any room. Instead of saying, Tiago sucks. They're like, how good is that? Rick Story, fight. And it was like, oh, Story's a saying, Tiago sucks, say, how good is that Rick Story fight?

Yeah, and it was like, oh, Story's a blank, and he just holds on, so he's putting me to sleep. You're crazy. They're balancing themselves out, because both guys are awesome as fuck. They're canceling each other out, rather, because Tiago Alves is awesome. He's a bad motherfucker. And this Rick Story's a bad motherfucker, too. And when you put the two of them together, sometimes it takes a long time for for something to happen because they're defending and canceling each other out and they're throwing bombs at each other and both of them are cover up well covering up well you know it's it's

they're well matched when they're well matched it makes for a really difficult fight for one guy to get the upper hand yeah so people get so so disrespectful and so unappreciative of the efforts of what these fucking guys go through. We can't even wrap our heads around what they have to do. They dedicate like six, eight weeks of their life minimum to these fucking – Training all day long. Training all day. Yeah. Every fucking day.

When I see the training videos, I'm like, ugh, I never want to do any of that, let alone every day. It's brutal. And those people probably are 11 years old. You know, it's like internet hate. You get these people and you're like, oh, we forget. That guy's probably... You know what's a lot sadder? Some of them are in their 40s.

They're still just a bunch of mean cunts talking shit about Machida or whatever. Whenever somebody says something like that online, it's like, I wish... Well, I think people are learning how to navigate online. I think there's more negativity than ever online, but I think that's because there's more people online than ever. There's places where you can find where you can minimize your negativity, like your Twitter account. You can easily minimize the negativity on your Twitter page.

Like blocking people that constantly do that? I very rarely will argue with anyone on Twitter. When you say something cunty, when am I going to defend myself? I just block you or I retweet what you said so that everybody else knows what kind of a cunt you are. I love when people shit on me. I just, when you say something cunty, when I'm going to defend myself, I just block you or I retweet what you said so that everybody else knows what kind of a cunt you are. I love when people shit on me. And then I block you.

If they say something where they're just questioning something I thought, then that's okay. Just say it nicely. But when you're like, you fucking idiot moron. Yeah.

It's like, shut up. I know. There's so many idiots out there. I heard this thing on NPR today on the way over here. They were talking about, this guy wrote some book about how the way you act online

will bleed into your real life. Oh, for sure. So if you're constantly going, you fucking loser, idiot, kill yourself, this video is terrible, fuck you. Like you take that with you to work the next day and you're more negative, not all of it, but some level you're way more negative with your coworkers and stuff and your friends. Totally makes sense. You know, you can't just get away with that. There's this energy connected to all that negativity you're pumping out and it's going to come back around. Again,

it sounds like hippie bullshit, but it's proven to be reality over and over again. When they're 60, they look like they're 35. Okay? Really? They have great lives.

They have stress-free lives. Go be a hippie. It's not the worst thing in the world. New challenge for you, Ari. What are you talking about? Every time you see a flower, you have to smell it. Every time I see a flower,

that's going to be so hard. I have to pull over and stuff. Why would you... Or rose. No. I I have to pull over that's ridiculous why would you a rose no I still have to pull over what if you fucking there's florists

in every corner in LA I've been doing it for like the last couple months yeah and it's so embarrassing the other day some dude was like skateboarding

and I'm like oh fuck I'm walking by this rose I have to stop and smell this flower but there's this kid skateboarding coming towards me

you should stop and smell it I did if you want to smell that flower I did why are you forcing yourself to do it whether you like it or not? Because it's good.

It's good? It smells great. It's good to tell yourself not to be embarrassed about the skateboarder. Just go ahead and smell it if you want to smell it. It smells good. Brian, I'm bringing you to a doctor. I'm convinced there's something really wrong with you. Major psychological damage.

Major damage. You're like a, I don't know. There's something up there. You don't see anything awesome about stopping and smelling a flower. Every now and then, but don't let it fucking hold you up and be late for work and make you miss your flight. I love it. There's so many flowers I have to keep pulling over.

No, I'm saying when you're walking. If you walk by one, smell one. But it's great. I've been doing it for a while and I love it now. It fucking smells good shit. So Ari, you had a freak out when you were at Brian's place. Yeah, here's another thing. Because of thatri you had a a freak out when you were at uh brian's place yeah oh here's another thing because i did have a freak out i would say if you're going to do psychedelics make sure you're around people that you trust people that uh will help you um don't

want to put yourself in a bad environment good advice don't do it live on a podcast when you're jammed into a room with five other people probably either. Maybe. Yeah. So the idea was you guys were going to do it on a podcast live. You were going to do Salvia, which is still legal, right? Is it legal in California still? Yes, it's legal. So we weren't doing anything wrong, folks.

So you decided to do – isn't that crazy that Salvia is legal, by the way? Anyway, so you're doing Salvia. You're doing it live on the air, and then you have a little spaz out. Yeah. Well, the problem is, here's the deal. And I will say this. I can't stress enough. Really, you need to trust your friends.

Because I would watch Brian fuck with everybody else that was doing it. She'll fart spray on their face and tell the girl she had her boobs out and make her feel self-conscious. And it's like, Brian, don't. Stop doing that. They're fucked up. Like acid and mushrooms and salvia, they don't need anybody's help to work. They will work on their own chemically. So every time he started pulling at me, I knew he was fucking with me in some way. But in my weird world where I barely had a grasp on reality, where I'm like, no, no, if you pull me over there, that's where I'll die.

And I know you're not trying to pull me over there, but I'm going to drown to death for the sake of your little game. What? Yeah, because you don't know where you are. I'm in a different planet where the rules of physics, gravity and the time and meanwhile brian is pulling you through and i think he's fucking with all right first let's let's let's rewind here we had two other people do it on this podcast which is the naughty shark podcast and the first person was see hang and again i did not fuck with either of these people while they were doing yes you did no after it after it was done and they came out of it we kind of fucked around while they were doing it. Yes, you did. No, after it was done and they came out of it,

we kind of fucked around, but they were back in the consciousness. No, you shoved that fart spray flashlight into his face. He shoved it into your face while you were under, too. No, all right, that's another thing. I didn't see that. If you watched the video, it was behind his back and it was only for the cameras.

It wasn't for Ari. Yeah, but I kept hearing you say stuff like, hey, this time say this. So now I'm always like, are you guys fucking with me or is my reality changing? If I see – let's say I did see that drapes becoming waterfall. I want to know something's fucking with me. I want to know that's probably not the case. Well, if you're now watching this video, you realize I wasn't fucking with you at all. No, you were.

You were putting psychedelic looks on the screen behind me. All right, the screen behind you was behind you, so you couldn't even see it. I could turn this far and see it. with you at all. No, you were. You were putting psychedelic looks on the screen behind me. All right, the screen behind you was behind you, so you couldn't even see it. I could turn this far and see it. But you didn't. But you were trying to do the same thing to Allison. I saw you fucking...

It's okay. Here's what I've come to terms with. All right, what I was doing was not fucking with you. It was for the video viewers of the show. The TV was behind you. You couldn't even see the TV. Yeah.

Okay. Do you think that he could have possibly misconstrued what you were doing? When I took acid at UFC, before I even started tripping... He couldn't see what I was doing. Hold on, listen. Before I even started tripping,

there's certain types of people, and that's okay. It's just who you are, will like to do things like this, which you did. You go... And I'm like, Brian, I know I'm not tripping yet.

And you keep trying. And it's like, I get it. It's annoying. Because soon I will try. I don't talk. Brian, you got to let him talk.

Because soon I will interrupt. I know exactly what he's talking about. But you can't interrupt because this is not, Brian, this is not a podcast. There's a million people listening. All right,

continue. I don't want anyone to do that because soon I will be tripping. And I want to know, oh, that's me tripping. I want to trust that I'm losing my reality now

and not someone's fucking with me and making me think. we made psycho patty think she was on something she didn't think she was on anything we made her think she was tripping or whatever it was we didn't fuck with her trip okay all right this is what i told you last time you said this when we did uh when you're what you're talking about where i was talking like this all right this is two people having fun out at a UFC and you did acid it's not me fucking with you when I go are you feeling it it's me just joking around with you as a friend would do if we weren't even on acid right right I'm not sitting here going I'm going to fucking ruin this trip oh you you are so

attached to you haven't done anything wrong do you understand how this is coming off? And you're attached to how you think I did. Bro, I'm not saying you did. I have not said you did once. But I'm saying you are so attached to that you are so defending it. You can't say, yeah, maybe I shouldn't have been saying that if it was annoying to you while you were trying to trip out on acid.

Maybe it was annoying. I didn't mean to be. But you're not listing what happened. I know what happened. When Allison was under and you kept saying to be But you're not listening To what happened I know what happened When Allison was When Allison was under And you kept And you kept saying

Oh you had your boobs out You said it a few times Allison wasn't under You know that right She never went under I know she didn't Because she was sitting there Talking to us the whole time

Okay so she faked it No When you're in Salvia You either go under Or you're feeling Fucking crazy Right Ari went to a different world That's what Allison didn't do So wait a minute I don't get what you're in salvia, you either go under or you're feeling fucking crazy, right? Yeah.

Ari went to a different world. That's what Allison didn't do. So wait a minute. I don't get what you're defending. So she was going fucking crazy and you're telling her her tits were out, so that's okay? No, no. We're all sitting there talking to her back and forth. She was making sense.

She was not out of her mind. And we were talking about... She later said she was still tripping out balls. No. At that time. Just because... We talked about it. You can talk good when you're fucked up on psychedelics and still be fucked up though she knew where she was is what i'm saying she did not fall

so did c i was like i'm gonna barf and i was like no you're not gonna barf and i was like it's a triple i was like i wouldn't sit right there if i were you but i was freaking out i felt like i was gonna barf and i was toppling over but i was still and he was telling you you're not gonna barf move he was telling you you're not gonna get barf who got you a trash can who is doing all this stuff to you but you still think i attacked you somehow when you did your salvia yeah and beforehand too i see you fucking with people it's okay and then and then when we did acid one time you thought i was fucking with you just because i was like hey are you feeling funny i had to fully tell that was me fucking with you but i had to

fully tell you at some point like brian had to fully tell you at some point. Why do you always think I'm fucking with you? You like to do that. Why is that in your head? Wait, wait, wait, Brian. Do you not understand that maybe the way you play around, even though I know you're just playing around, it might not be fun for other people.

Yes, but what I'm saying is what he's talking about when he was doing Acid, we were walking at a UFC. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You are explaining the reason why you did things. And you are saying that you did it just as a friend. And you are completely discounting his experience with what you were doing. And that what you were doing was annoying to him.

His responses. You're saying that you were doing it all from a good place, a place of a friend, a place of playing around, so he shouldn't be upset. But what he's saying is, your actions are directly making him feel like shit, and you're not coming to grips with that. See what you're saying? But your officer didn't hear what his response was.

Hey, I'm not tripping. And I was like, oh no, we're just fucking around. We're walking to the bathroom. He wasn't... We're not sitting here making voices to Ari that's sitting there going, wow, I'm fucked around. We're walking to the bathroom. He wasn't, we're not sitting here making voices to Ari that's sitting there going, wow, I'm fucked up. We're walking to the bathroom at a UFC.

I understand, Brian. I know. All I'm saying is do you understand that what he said, what he said, what Brian, you have a real hard time

with other people not agreeing with you on something. I get what he's saying. I gave you a bunch of different examples of you fucking with people. All right, what's another one?

Brian, you don't feel bad for your actions, man. You don't feel bad for making someone annoyed. Joe, you're making me feel bad about something that didn't exist. We're walking to the bathroom, both, and he's not tripping. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about that. I'm making you feel bad about defending it relentlessly. The action itself was no

big deal. And I'm saying it's not a big deal. It is a big deal to him. He said that you annoyed him, you annoyed him, and then when he was tripping you were annoying him more that's the game i get it but i get it all right was that the only thing i did that night yes right i know later in the night i had to tell you like brian later night what did i do okay later in the night i had so something where i tell you brian seriously i need your help right now i can't have you fucking with me i need you to be protective of me instead of fucking i know but i wasn't doing anything when you said that you just said that when we were sitting there at the ufc do you remember that we're on

our way out yeah we're towards the outside yes but i wasn't doing anything when you said that you were just telling me to not fuck with you yeah right because you were talking weird before no i wasn't okay anyway see hong when you put the spark spray in his face he wasn't all right i did he was we found out later that he was huh we found out later that every time he gave somebody three minutes, they were still super bummed. Now, you couldn't have known. That's fine. We all thought they were fine. But you were fucking with him. That's what you like to do. You put that fart spray in people's faces.

Did I put it in his face or did he open it up? I don't remember. You just shoved it right in his face. There was no second layer to it at all. Or did I open it up and see it? You just opened it up and shoved it in his face. He didn't even touch it. There was no smell of it. I don't remember that.

Okay. It's all on there. But with Ari, with that whole thing that last time when I was talking funny and stuff like that, that was not me fucking with you. And I know you said that at the time, but that really upset me because what we were doing, we were just walking to go to the bathroom and we were conversating. And I just said. We were sitting in our seats.

There was one time we were sitting in our seats and you were like. No, we were walking to the bathroom. I was conversating. And I would go, and I just said, we were sitting in our seats. There was one time we were sitting in our seats and you were like, oh, no, we were walking to the bathroom. I'm not doing anything. I was like,

Brian, stop it, please. And you go, I'm not doing anything. I'm like, Brian, all right,

I was just joking. Yeah, but it's like, it was kind of ruining my trip. But Ari, you weren't tripping yet. Remember? I know,

but you want to know what's really going on. You know, but I know, if I saw you sitting there tripping and it wasn't just 10 minutes after you took acid, I wouldn't do that.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. It wasn't me attacking you. I understand that, but you did do it and it didn't annoy him. And when you're losing your grasp on reality, you don't want to trickster. So I will never talk in a weird voice anytime you do any kind of trouble. You're so defensive, man. This is a bad conversation. You're not being attacked right now. understand what you're attacking like rss feeds

right now dude you're not you're not being attacked right now you're acting silly okay no one's attacking you all right my point to the people out there was do not do i would not do mushrooms with someone who you might think would mess with you in any way look no one's saying that what you did do didn't come from a place of fun and friendship and that you weren't trying to fuck with him but if someone does not want you to do that while you're doing place of fun and friendship and that you weren't trying to fuck with him. But if someone does not want you to do that while you're doing it and you do it and it bothers them and it freaks them out, whatever you

did to him, I saw you grabbing him, I saw the video when he was fucked up and you were holding on to him and talking to him and I saw you pull out the flashlight and I know you were just joking around but can you not see that even though you're doing this as a friend and just playing around for the video, for him while he's tripping out, that might not be comfortable. That's what I'm saying.

You saw the video and you're still thinking I did something wrong in that video. Dude, what is wrong with you? I'm not saying you did something wrong. I'm saying you were playing around and he might not have enjoyed it. Is that okay? Is that okay that you do things and other people don't enjoy them? Can they not enjoy some things you do? You do like to disagree with people so i remember somebody once you like you have a lot in the video i was the one that telling everyone to shut up for saying don't talk about

death in the video i was still fucking with them it didn't discount all the other shit you did in the video ari tried to stand up and i was the one that jumped to the ground to try to hold him so he wouldn't hurt himself that And that's absolutely great. And thank you for that. And then you started swinging and flailing and kicking. And instead, while everyone was just watching, I was trying to protect your legs and hands from not punching windows and breaking things all around you. Was I not right?

I was in this place where I was coming out from another world where the laws of physics did not apply to me. And I thought I was in grave danger. And here's this trickster who's grabbing me who doesn't understand because he's not been in my world. Right. The laws of physics do not apply to me. And I thought I was in grave danger and here's this trickster who's grabbing me who doesn't understand because he's not been in my world.

I know. I'm not saying what you thought. I'm saying that Joe's saying that I did all this stuff to you but I'm the one that... I didn't say you did

anything wrong. You're not even listening to what I said. I didn't say you did anything wrong. I said what you did you did out of a place of friendship

and playing around and doing it for a video show and you didn't do anything wrong. But sometimes things that you do that are not wrong still annoy people and out of as a general courtesy you don't do those things because other people don't like you to do them to them it's that it's that simple it's not that you did anything wrong it's just some people don't like you doing some shit while they're in another fucking dimension those jokes it's like it's the obvious

jokes like what's wrong it's like all right i joke is like, watch out. It's like, alright, I get it. Best case scenario, you get a smile. Worst case scenario, you've ruined this trip, which is not the most egregious crime in the world. So now you're saying I ruined your trip? You take the chance to. That trip was ruined because of you. Because of my lack of trust with you. The Salvia trip. But, oh, anyone else, I do.

Still had a great time. What you saw there was not a bad time. So your bad trip was all my fault. Just the last part. I was trying to get you specifically, Brian Redman, off of me because you were going to play a trick on me and put me into a really dangerous position that you weren't aware of. This is me having almost no grasp on reality.

Well, you know, obviously it's very unfortunate. But in that state, it was like, I don't want the trickster fucking with me right now. It's very unfortunate that you had these feelings. It's very unfortunate that you had these feelings. It's very unfortunate that Brian feels attacked here. But I think that, first of all, the idea of doing this fucking crazy psychedelic drug on a podcast with a bunch of comedians, it's ridiculous. You can't get upset at Brian because here you are on a fucking—the idea of what you're doing is silly beyond belief. And guess who didn't do it?

Yeah. Because I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't put myself in that situation. Okay, but what I'm saying, you keep thinking that I'm attacking you. I don't think you did anything wrong. I watched what you did. I don't think you did anything wrong. But you have to accept the fact that even though you didn't do anything wrong, you shouldn't

do it if it freaks somebody out. If it's fucking with someone's head, and you know they're telling you to get the fuck off them, maybe you should get the fuck off them. You gotta leave them alone. I know you weren't doing it. The idea was ridiculous. You should have never done it. But why not, right? But I'm saying it's not the perfect way to do Salvia, and you're gonna get upset at some shit, because Salvia

is such a mind-blowing, incredible reality-dissolving experience, and if people are fucking with you and joking around with you, and there's a camera on you, and the fucking internet world is watching, it's going to suck anyway, man. It's going to be fucked up. I don't mind the internet world watching. And I don't mind.

And I still was. Seriously, what you saw, if you see that video, that was a great trip. I had a really good time. When I was in another place, I was there for months and years. We're going to take you and we're going to put you in my fucking cage out in the garage where you can't hurt yourself. And then we're going to salve you the fuck up and push you in that thing and lock it down and then we're gonna videotape you so you can flail around and just you know gonna run in a heavy bag and i'll be handcuffed underwater in joe's pool yeah he'll be doing a david blaine with one of those chinese surgical

masks on it just bugs me that all right because i really didn't fuck with you and i didn't fuck with you you're fucking with everybody that that last thing the ufc i purposely did not fuck on you okay i thought you were crazy i think you were fucking with people but i think you were doing it for the right reasons you're doing it to be funny to yeah making a funny show going on of you not talking right and just making those jokes it's like that's your that joke comes from a place of wouldn't this be funny if i'm messing with you and see hang and allison i i can't speak for them but i bet you asking both of them if i fuck with them or ruin their trip in any way they would say absolutely not okay see hong doesn't remember you shoving that thing in his face that's fine but i saw

you shove a fart spray thing in somebody's face while they were out and i'm like oh that might happen to me when i'm out if this guy who likes doing that is around yeah it's all well and good i can't say it clearer than that. You didn't do anything wrong. Brian, you didn't do anything wrong. You're doing a lot of this stuff for the sense of entertainment. Please do not fuck with people's trips out there. Let them have their trips. Yes, but if you're going to have a

fucking trip on a comedy podcast with a bunch of comedians and they're all laughing and giggling, guess what? It's going to be wonky. It's going to go nutty and I don't think you can blame the comedians for fucking with you. And especially when an ongoing gag is our flesh, light, wine,

and cheese prank. Okay. That said, Brian, you fucking lock up and you feel like you're attacked. That doesn't make people's brains

say okay. You lock up and you don't ever consider the possibility that maybe you could have done something to annoy him. I will tell you this. It doesn't have to be logical

if you annoy somebody. Sometimes you just annoy somebody you don't mean to. There was a time at Sal's once where somebody, some girl, it might be Shay, it might be somebody, she was like, oh you got a lot of layers on. You're like, I don't have any layers, it's like three layers. And I'm like, Brian, it's not a bad thing

if you have layers on. And you're like, oh yeah, okay, yeah, I have a few. But it was like, no one's attacking you. You don't have to like deny instantly. Look, I like to wear layers. I know, so it's fine. And this layer right here, look how thin this is. I know.

Feel how this is not considered a layer. I'm getting you checked for ovaries tonight, boy. I'm calling in the witch doctor. Actually, I had a question for you because I stopped doing sway milk recently because of all the estrogen and stuff like that. Good move. You start to feel like a man again? Does almond milk have the same problems?

No. I drink that every day. Goat milk. That's how I make that. Goat milk's real good. It's easy to adjust. It's very easy to adjust. It's really good for babies. Babies love it. Goat milk. That's how I make that. Goat milk's real good. It's easy to digest. It's very easy to digest. It's really good for babies.

Babies love it. The almond milk is delicious. I use that for my shakes every day. But don't get the shit that's flavored because it's just sugar milk. You get like a vanilla. There's nothing healthy about that. Absolutely. You can make your own almond milk.

I know some dudes who make their own shit. It's supposed to be much more delicious, but it's a huge fucking pain in the ass. Is soy milk good for you? Yes. It's not bad for much more delicious, but it's a huge fucking pain in the ass. Is soy milk good for you? Yes. It's not bad for you, but you can get... Soy is a tricky thing, man. And especially if you follow genetically modified food, and soy

a lot of times is genetically modified. I wasn't trying to attack you. Subject just changed. That one time when you said I was trying to move voices, I knew I wasn't fucking with you because I knew you weren't tripping it. I know, but it's like that's – That was me just going, hey, you're about to do acid.

Are you excited? That's all good, Brian. That's all good, Brian. It doesn't help anybody when they're tripping. It's all good, Brian. But I didn't mean to attack you at all. The correct answer sometimes is sorry, I was fucking around. I thought it was funny at the time.

Instead of like defending to the death what you said. My only thought was if I want to do – to do your great guy, but under these circumstances it's not perfect. I just love that Sam and everyone else was like, he looks dead. And they're saying all these horrible things and I was the one guy that told them to stop. Does it really matter what other people did?

If there's something that you did that annoys him, how come you didn't stop him? If there's something that you did that annoys him, you have to take responsibility for that. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, man. We've discussed this to death. Brian Reichel. Perhaps will be joining us

in Vegas. I'm going to throw him on stage, this motherfucker. He needs to go up there. At the huge place? Yeah. Ari Shaffir is going to be there July 1st. I believe Benson's going to stop in and do a guest set, too. Oh, nice. July 1st. I believe Benson is going to stop in and do a guest set, too. Oh, nice. So July 1st, that's in Vegas.

June 25th, I'm with Coco Canary, Joey Diaz, the Captain Razor. What does he put on his dick? Drano on the dick? Drano. Ajax. Captain Rano. Ajax on his cock. Drano.

Drano dick. Anyway, Carnegie Music Hall, Saturday, June 25th. Wow. And that's in Pittsburgh. Oh. No, it's not the New York one. It's a big deal. That's such a humongous difference.

I was like, I didn't hear about it. You're playing Carnegie Hall? I know. How many people fit in Carnegie Music Hall in New York? I don't know. I can't fill that thing. But I think, didn't fucking Charlie Sheen fill that thing? I don't know.

I need a scandal. Yeah. I don't want it I need a scandal. Yeah. I don't want it. Anyway, Carnegie Music Hall in Philadelphia, which is the day before the UFC. And then there's another one, like I said, July 1st. It'll be me and Ari and Joey Diaz and most likely Doug Benson. That place was great. That place is the best place we played in Vegas.

Yeah, we got it down. Of all the years, that was the best place. We did a lot of gigs at House of Blues. And House of Blues, the people that worked there are really cool as fuck. But the venue is too wonky. And Court's Palms Room was fine. It's okay. But that place was the best.

That Mandalay Bay Theater is fucking perfect. It's like 1,800 or so people. And it's fucking packed in there. And we did it a few months ago, and we're going to do it again. Perfectly the way to sit a theater show for comedy. So listen, I think we went through a little bit of a hissy fit today. Had a little bit of a cat fight. Well, you guys can all watch it

too. It's Naughty Show number 23 on Death Squad. We're not. Naughty Show number 23. Thanks for helping us out here, Joe. Death Squad. Subscribe to Death Squad. Yeah, so Ari's podcast is The Skeptic Tank. It's on the Death Squad. Yeah. It's part of Naughty, though. There's a bunch of other ones that are really good there. The Naughty Show and Tom and his wife have Your Mom's House. so check that out it's a death squad on itunes

and we'll be back again tomorrow uh same bad time same bad channel with uh duncan motherfucking trussell it's a full death squad week i'll be so what are you guys gonna kiss and make up you guys gonna kiss and make up i'm out of brian long right okay that's why i never even brought it up to him are you in la jollaolla? I'm in La Jolla this week. Comedy store in La Jolla, Friday and Saturday night. Who are you with? Me and Steve Simone are going down there and Jason Lucas. Nice, nice.

Excellent combination. And that comedy store, if you've never been there, comedy store in La Jolla is the shit. But jump on it, bitches, because it's going to sell out quick. That place is packed all the time. All right, that's it. We'll see you guys tomorrow with Duncan. Oh, Freshlight.

And thanks to the Fleshlight, if you go to joerogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight in the corner and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. Shoot your loads at a discount. Do you want one of those? No. You sure?

You're scared. Yeah, and you'll use it every day until you bleed to death. It's the cleaning it. I don't think that's a good idea to have around my place. It's easy. What? Okay. Good night. Bye. I love you guys.