The Joe Rogan Experience - #1096 - Todd Glass

Episode Date: March 27, 2018

Todd Glass is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcast called “The Todd Glass Show” available on Spotify. His latest special "Act Happy" is available now on Netflix.

With insulated walls put in five four three two one someone's got a new Netflix special So you do have a new Netflix special. I do. I don't want this to be like an interview. No, but I like it. I'm actually proud of it. You know, it's like I'm still proud of it. You know, usually a certain amount of time will go by where I'm like, oh.

Like by the time I'm even now I've gotten it better on the road. Because, you know, the day after you shoot it, you go out on the road. And you're a murderer. And you have a little fun with it. Yeah, yeah. And that's when you go, oh. And then you go, oh. But the day after you shoot it you go out on the road And you're a murderer and you have a little fun with it Yeah, that's when you go, and then you go I but I'm still proud of it. It was my favorite thing I've it the guy did Jeff Roe is the guy who and Scott Moran, but just everything I wanted they did it Perfect that's awesome the look the way you do it I did it at the Lyric but and the Lyric is great, but there's no doubt. Is the Lyric in L.A.?

The Lyric is in L.A. It's like at Melrose and La Brea. Oh. Pretty. But they sort of used it as a shell. And it's already a pretty cool club. But, you know, the biggest compliment I got, someone said, you know what's weird about your special? I want to go there, and it doesn't exist.

Oh. What it looked like. Right, right. Like, where is that? They had good set people. It just looked like a cool jazz club in New York City that was maybe, but it wasn't small because it was an after. You know, sometimes it's small, but it's shitty. That's the look and it's cool.

It's sort of a, what's the word? Kitchy? Yeah, I don't know what that word is. It's charming and that's the look they want. I didn't want that. Not that I think that's bad, but because some people know what that word is. Yeah, it's charming. And that's the look they want. I didn't want that. Not that I think that's bad, but because some people have done that really well, and it's a cool way to see a comedian just in a cool little raw space.

But I want it small, but like it's a jazz club in New York City, but it's like $150 to get in, and it holds 100 people. It's like that type of thing. Run like a theater. Well, you helped design one of my all-time favorite clubs, Helium in Philly. You helped design one of my all-time favorite clubs helium and philly you helped design that place didn't you well when mark mark uh he acne lewis lee said you know todd's from philly he'll probably love to give you advice right so when it was just a warehouse like

cement and i met him down there and he's, I'm thinking of opening up a club. And, you know, I told him a lot of stuff. I wrote. I made like, well, email, you know, like six pages of, you know, here's very detailed things. And you know what? He listened to a lot of it. Like I give him credit. You know?

That's awesome. It's a great fucking club. Like there's something about those intimate spaces. One of the things I've noticed when I take people on the road with me is that guys who have never worked at theater, it takes a few tries to get, they go, oh, okay, this is a whole different thing. There's so many people here. You've got to kind of project out to them. It's like a different thing. You don't feel them the way you feel them in the OR on like a different thing. It's not, you don't feel them the way you feel them in the OR.

Right. On like a Wednesday night, right? Or Comedy Works in Denver, where they're on top of you. You feel the people there more, right? Yeah, and then you learn it pretty quick, though. Yeah. You know? Do you ever do the belly room at the store?

I've done it a few times, and of course, it's... I love little rooms. Yeah. Like, I love... Well, when I used to do Tempe, you always did that side room on purpose. They were trying to get you to do the big place. Well, the side place, you know, not to get too... But you get it. Yeah, the side place was...

I was jealous. I remember I came over. I was in the other... The regular one, which is great. I was having a good time. It is. But when Joey and I went next door and watched you, I was in the regular one, which is great. I was having a good time. It is. But when Joey and I went next door and watched you, I was like, this room's better.

This is a better room. Well, even in D.C., which I think is a good example, D.C. has a 60-seat room. And whenever I'm in there, I go. I give it. I had a two-piece band playing. They put black tablecloths on all the tables. The lights are gelled blue. So now people are turning the corner into this thick blue room with two guys with black suits playing jazz as they're being seated and eating. So now I don't feel like it's an afterthought.

What you just said, and I'll take it as a compliment, the other comedian that's in the main room there, which is an awesome room. Yeah. But you look into the little room and you're like, it looks like something's going on and that's how I want it to look no it makes sense yeah no it does make sense it's a it's more of a hang right there a big show and your style so loose on stage like lends itself to intimacy you know lends itself to those nice compact spots yeah do you do the ever do the ice house, the annex room?

I mean, not forever, but yeah, I know what you mean right away. That one's the craziest. The ice house is about as deep as this room. It goes side to side a little bit. I think the whole room, that annex only gets, what is it, like 70 people? Maybe 70 people. And all the chairs are like facing the audience. See, that says, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You're sitting here. You're going to say goodbye to your friend for a little while. Yeah, this shit, oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're sitting here. You're going to say goodbye to your friend for a little while. Yeah, this shit. Yeah, right. Like some of the improvs. And then the people are watching the show like this, and they have to kind of turn and look past the person next to them. They're trying to feed you food, too.

Like you're working in a half restaurant. The thing about, I will say this about a good club, most of the food's been served, or I couldn't do what I'm about to tell you that I've done. So the club has to at least be good at going, no, we get the food out. We have food we can get out. But by the time the show started, we try to have the whole room serviced. So in the event, and like Helium does that.

But so I started making this announcement, and I would tell people, because I do my own pre-show announcement. It has to do with what you said about when they're sitting sideways. Right. And I would just go real calm. Other than that, folks, hey, now's a good time to turn your chair around. You're always going to have to annoy someone to the right or left of you. But now's the time to do it. And once all the chairs are facing the stage, we'll get this thing started.

Play a little house music. And then you know what? They wouldn't do it. But another 30 seconds, I'd go, so we're just waiting for all those chairs to get turned around, and then we'll get it started. So it looks like we're close to showtime. And the second time, boom, boom, boom, boom boom boom boom boom boom every chair in the room They're like, oh, they're nuts. But you know, I get it It's a pain in the ass and if I was in the audience, I wouldn't want to turn my chair around

But guess what once someone made me do it you'd enjoy the show better and they do We got you know this if you ever do those use those yonder bags You know those bags are to make you putonder bags, you know what those bags are? They make people put their cell phone in a bag. Yeah, Denver has them. Yeah, Denver uses them for all their shows now. I started using them for all my shows. So a company comes in and just does it for you?

Yeah, you hire them. They come in, and then when they put the phone in the bag, they still hold onto their phone. They can leave the room if they get a phone call. Like, you have a kid or something like that, and someone's watching the kid, you can always get out of the room and make a call. But you can't call people when you're in the room. I was having people calling people and talking on the phone. You could see them talking on the phone while the show's going on. People around them would be getting pissed off. Someone on Twitter commented on it. Everyone's got their phones up.

I know. I've done it too. I'm totally a hypocrite when I saw honey honey with Gary Clark he performed in this little tiny room in downtown LA was a midnight show on like a Tuesday and I filmed it and I put it on my Instagram so I know I'm a hypocrite but that was a rare occasion and it wasn't a comedy show I what it's like a comedy show you have to pay attention to what the fuck's going on if you if you're filming it you're definitely not paying full attention It wasn't a comedy show. It's like a comedy show, you have to pay attention to what the fuck's going on. If you're filming it, you're definitely not paying full attention. It's just not.

You're going to miss some stuff. It's just not the same thing. When you're filming shit, like everybody is just, and even if you're not, you're checking this and checking texts. And boy, we got a real addiction problem in this country. These are new things. These are new objects. addiction problem in this country these are new things well there are new objects I realized because I'm not delusional that the amount of it I can put most of it to rest with a pre-show announcement where I'm at in my career but I get it as you get to different levels there's different intensity so I

don't I get it but um the I I changed my pre-show announcement when I went to see Brian Regan. The person next to me, they were texting. I couldn't hear them. Matter of fact, they even had their light down. So you think, well, what could bother me? And it did. And it didn't matter if it was right or wrong.

I know what it was. I wanted the person next to me to be loving him as much as I was loving him. And the fact that I saw him on their phone all night, even they weren't making a peep, it started to bother the fuck out of me. I was getting angry. And then I went, I'm going to do the same thing at my show. I go, don't turn your thing all the way down. I go, I know what you think.

And you pull it out near your knee. I go, seriously, if you pull your phone out after this announcement, you look like a dick. I go, and other than that, we're glad you're here. And you know what? You just have to pink that announcement a little longer. But it works. I'm worried about people. I really are.

This is a really new thing. The more I'm thinking about it, the more, like, looking at your phone constantly is really only 10 years old. Right? Like 2008-ish. The iPhone came around 2009, right? Before that, people were a little texty. Some people were more texty than others. They really got into text messages.

But once that iPhone came out, and once people started doing a bunch of stuff and apps and stuff on your phone, it changed the whole game. You know, I don't know with this topic. If I'm like, I could be way off or I could be off kilt. But the way I come to my conclusion about, like, you know, it is a weird thing. And even me, I could acknowledge it. Otherwise, if I don't acknowledge it, then you're never going to tell someone the opposing side if they don't think you get what I... Yeah, you see it.

But it just seems like in the past, now this could be different, with no snarkiness at all, this could be a different thing. Every time they think there's one of these things, like TV, radio, it just seems like we get past it. Oh, I think we'll get past it. You know what I mean? I didn't think the world was going to explode.

No. I'm worried about certain – I'm not worried about the human race, but I'm worried about the lives of certain people, if that makes sense. Because it's like saying, like, are you worried that crack's going to destroy the human race no i'm not worried that crack is going to destroy but i do think it can destroy the lives of some people and i feel right the same way about this right like the texting like it's not just that it's it's like being plugged into electronics to the point where that's where you're getting most of your stimuli from. You're getting artificial stimuli. My concern, and this is a real concern, is that we're getting really into that and that we're going to let it take the next step, which is some sort of an implant.

I feel like this is like we're in a movie. We're in a movie about a person that becomes a machine, and we're watching this rationalization process as we slowly get more and more ingrained and interconnected with technology will definitely in our lifetime have somebody 100% I try like what you were just addressing like we said before like I I catch myself and I really try like if I had to give myself a grade on how much I've improved on, like, turning the phone off. Yeah.

Like, loving it for what's great about it. I give myself maybe a C-. But it means I've made some strides in, like, turning it off. You're not an F. Not an F. Not from far. Matter of fact, I remember a week ago, I was going to the Grove. And I went, I'm not meeting anybody.

And I left my phone in the car. Ooh, strong move. That's a strong move. Now, what sucked is I had two ideas. Leaving the phone in the car. Ooh, strong move. That's a strong move. Now, what sucked is I had two ideas. Leaving the phone in the car is like, whew. I had two ideas, and I was high, and I didn't want to write them down. I went, ah, shit, that's the thing about leaving your phone in the car. Take a picture or show someone a picture.

It doesn't have to always be. But anyway, I try. Never walking through a line. That actually could encourage you to write. You know, you could just use... I hate writing. But I mean, you can only use your phone when you have a note or an idea. That's the only time you could use it.

So you make like a loophole. Like, I'm pretending that I don't even have this phone unless I need to make a note. You know what? I could put it on airplane mode. You could put it on airplane mode. You could put it on airplane mode. And still have it for the other stuff. Although it weighs my pants down, oddly enough. That's true.

Good conversation, right? It does do that. It does. It's weird. I pull my pants up all night. They jam in your pockets and shit. That's why I like fanny packs. People just mock me relentlessly.

Can I tell you something? There's no way. I say it all the time. When I go, especially if I have my Altoids, and then I have a pipe, and then I go, what the fuck? You're a pipe guy? I still do for some reason. You're old school. It's old school.

What else? What do you do? You like jazz clubs? You like pipes? What do you do? What is your typical way to smoke? Mostly joints or vape pens. You know, it's the rolling of the joint that I...

Oh, I have a question for you. Okay. And I think you might know the answer. I smoke, I'm not going to like, you know, blame you if something happens. I know I switched conversation completely, but you might have the answer. I have two things I want to ask you a question about.

Did I interrupt? No, no, no. Not at all. I smoke now seven nights a week. Wow. So I'll have like a joint, I would say if i had to put it in joint size maybe a joint per night so it's not that it's a tremendous amount not just at night not that i'm saying i i want a prize for that just for me it works better at night but i say i quit smoking and i did i quit smoking i used to smoke around a pack and a half a month is this is bad

pack and a half a month is pretty it wasn bad? Pack and a half a month is pretty... It wasn't horrendous, but I quit because I had a... Couple a day. Yeah. Yeah. Is this smoking seven nights with just a joint as bad as when I smoke cigarettes? No, it's not. It's not the same thing.

It's not even close? No, no. It's not even close. There's no evidence that marijuana smoke causes cancer. What you can do is get respiratory irritation. You can, like, it can fuck with your voice. What about tar? You can avoid all that stuff is what I was going to

say with a vaporizer. I know. Vaporizer's the way to go. But it is a different high, oddly enough. Vaporizer seems like a little bit more clean in some weird way. Like, when I get high with a vaporizer, I'm always like, whoa i get high with a vaporizer i'm always like whoa this is like a it's almost as if this is gonna sound so crazy there's something that's there's something that

has to do with the fire interacting with the plant that connects you to nature there's like something about a lit joint just you take it in, and you just, I feel natural. When I vaporize, I feel alien. When I vaporize, I feel like, what this is, is like, let's extract all of what it is to be a living thing and get to the molecules. What's the molecule? What temperature do I heat those bitches up where I can shove them right in your bloodstream? That's what the vaporizer sees. The vaporizer's like, hang on, Hannah.

Like, whoo! Like, it's just, you're not connected the same way. It's connected a different way. They're both amazing. That's what most people probably agree. I agree with you. Most people do, I think. They'll be like, yeah, I know.

It's a different thing. Even a joint, I don't roll joints because I'm lazy. But whenever someone has a joint and they put it i go this is when i this just happens so yeah i get i get a little higher i like the smoke joints they it's a it feels like it's real clear what's happening you know there's a lot of these vape pens you got to press them five times then hold them and you're sucking it in you don't know what's in that oil, man. Who's making that stuff? Who's making that shit?

They yell at you when you can't do it. Just press it twice. All right, it doesn't work as easy as you think. Jesus Christ with the press it twice. I got one more thing. Do you ever fuck around with spray? Jumbo spray? You ever fuck around with jumbo?

Do you know what jumbo is? You put it in the water? No, super organic, really high-end edibles and spray. And this fucking spray will put you on the moon. Wow, do you have any? Of course I do. Wow, but I have to drive. I have someone hanging with me today, John Brand Wagner. Yeah.

Give him a shout-out. I give him a shout-out, you piece of shit. This is the 1,000 milligram. Like, if you drank the whole bottle, it's 1,000 milligram. That's too much to have, of course. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't have a half a spray. Oh, yeah. So, do you think I'm safe to do it right now?

It's always fun to experiment. Yeah, just a little spray. Especially because you're saying to do it. You know why it's more comfortable? Why? Because if something happens to me, and I can't... You blame me?

Let's just don't blame you. Let's do it afterwards. Unless you want to do it now. I'm like the worst crack dealer ever. You can do it afterwards Unless you want to do it now I'm like the worst crack dealer ever You can do it now I mean it's who Everybody wants to do it Just get it a taste

Let me have a little I'll have one And then I want to I do have a question You know you might have an answer What did you have A half a spray I had one spray

Good enough Okay Alright we're in Wow Here's the other question You think why am I asking you this But I think you might have an answer good enough. Okay. All right, we're in. Wow. Here's the other question. You think, why am I asking you this? But I think you might have an answer. So, but I'm being totally honest.

I am exhausted from dealing with, like, it's like, not like it's a big deal, but it's like the first time you, whether, you can admit major things in your life, like, oh, I have a drinking problem, but they can be stupid little things, you know? Mine is eating. Like, I am exhausted from doing it the wrong way and everything comes back to me for self-control so when people want to tell me about a diet i

don't it's not portions i know what portions are i just i want to eat more so it's all down to how do i fucking get self-control i have zero i mean if i'm not going to call it zero self-control then i don't know what the hell i'm going to call it but it's very hard for me you're very hard on yourself i think you have self-control todd i think you're a wonderful man but you're you're hilarious and one of the reasons why you're hilarious is because you're so you're free you're impulsive and that sort of that it's very difficult for that to lend itself to dietary discipline it's like i want to eat it fuck it i want to eat it i just fucking eat it right that's you but it's also part of what makes you such a hilarious comic it's like you have these impulses well it makes me feel better yeah you

don't want split the difference at least with what you're saying you don't want discomfort and you want to have fun it's like it's right there that when i want to eat that food fuck it right just had a thought of me like picture me at the at the uh canter shoving Have fun. It's like it's right there. I want to eat that food. Fuck it. Right? I just had a thought of me like, picture me at the canter shoving cheesecake in my mouth. And my friends are like looking at me like, Todd. And I go, Joe Rogan said that because I'm creative that I should eat whatever I want. He said it. And you can go listen to his podcast.

He said that I should eat. He told Joe Rogan, and you can go listen. He said, clear out the mini bar before you get in your hotel bed. Even if you're not really hungry. Because I'm creative. So I don't have control over this. Joe Rogan! There's also a problem. There's another problem with discipline.

This is a problem with discipline in comedy. I think that hit me already. Yeah, for sure. No, that's probably just the weed hit you. it takes a little while for the spray to get you usually a few more minutes than that um i forget my point what's my point about um the self-control oh that when you really discipline people in comedy they don't go well together that much either because if you're too driven and too discipliny that's almost always dicky it'll you know what i mean

you know what i'm saying like you'd be too disciplined too rigid too determined and and and too like too enthusiastic about success you gety. Let me ask you this. Yeah. This thought could be wrong. I'm okay with thinking something and then maybe finding out. But whenever a comedian, and I bet there's funny ones out there, definitely, because over the years I remember them. I can't think of which ones, but they definitely exist.

They are funny. They are funny. But they've never smoked, drank. Can you be a good comedian if you haven't done those things i think you'd be a good comedian if you're a man you could be a good comedian if you're a woman you could be a good comedian if you're gay or trans you just you're a good comedian if you're a good comedian is that why do i ask that because i should be embarrassed to ask that there's a lot of people that are really good that don't do shit.

And never. Yeah, they don't have a desire to. You know, it's just everybody's brain works different. And some people like the idea of losing control with a substance is not fun. They don't like that feeling. But they can keep their shit together. You know, I know a lot of people that don't drink, they don't do anything, but they keep their shit together.

And maybe that's better. For them, they feel like it is. I don't know. Right. You know, as I asked that, you gave me the answer that, you know, to go, you're right, you're right. But, like, I asked, it means that I had a question about that. And I think I've talked about this in the past. And once I was like, somebody was saying, well, maybe what if you're not experimenting?

But, no, there's a billion ways to do those things that you use pot to do without the pot, obviously. Can you edit that out? I use yoga for that, too, man. I love going to a hot yoga class. It's fucking hard. And it's like a drug. Like, you get a lot of thinking done in there, man. I love going to a hot yoga class. It's fucking hard. And it's like a drug. Like you get a lot of thinking done in there, man. When you're just holding these poses and there's no, no music,

no nothing. Just everybody in the class breathing is a 90 minute class. There's some sort of psychedelic effect there. There's some sort of cleansing of the mind. And I think that's one of the things that we overlook when it comes to mental health. Your brain needs to be cleaned out. You can't just stagnate and think on thoughts. Your physical body can clean your brain out a little bit, can get rid of some of the stress and tension. And you can see things clearer. Like those terms, stress reduction, tension relief, what does that mean? It means the way you fucking think, okay?

You're doing something to your body that radically alters the way you think okay you're doing something to your body that radically alters the way you're going to think about things and everybody's supposed to do it and one of the problems in society is that you don't do it but you have these instincts that are built into your body from thousands of years of what the the you know the what people asked of their bodies 20 30 30 generations ago. We're all those same people. So if we don't deal with what our body, just some physical activity, you've just got to get the blood flowing.

If you don't, you're like an overflowing battery or something. I, as far as the stopping thing, think I have a great idea for people to do to get a smidgen of what it's like to stop if you go okay i won't meditate or i won't do this i get it i get it but this i if you do it i promise whoever does it that's listening will go you'll get a little taste of it and it all happens naturally but it started by accident but then i we started realizing it's about stopping so like one night it was about like probably 10 years ago after dinner or before dinner, I had some hot washcloths. And I was like, oh, just like at a Chinese restaurant, joking around. But we all did it.

And then we realized, wow, that really stopped us. The heat, putting it on your face. So now I make it, I have a ritual that I do. I have it all figured out. I get like, the less people, the better. Because the hot washcloth has a short shelf life. It has to be so scorching hot when you hand it to people. So by the time they get it to their face, you know, you can't take warm. So I use the tea kettle, pour it all over like six of them. And here's the rule. The radio goes off. Sometimes you think, I'll leave

it on. I don't feel like walking over and turning off. Nope. Even if it's jazz off. And I ask everybody, check the pulse of the room. If everyone, if you take yours off and you're ready to start talking, but you see, oh, three people still have it on their face. And I go, I'll break it. But just once the hot, once you get the hot washcloth in your hands, I go, it's going to be hot. You're going to want to go, oh, it's hot. It's way too hot. It's hotter than you think it is. So just get ready. I give everybody one. They put it on their face. No one even has to tell them to take a deep breath.

You naturally do after like a second because you need to. So you go, then you let it out. And then I go, wow. And then you literally, spiritually, you shut down. And then you wipe your hands. Literally take some of the dirt off your hands from the day. And we always think, holy shit. Resetting yourself. That's a simple way to get a taste yeah of and we always make the joke we're like oh we're we just going to eat and then we're

going to go throughout the whole day and then oh put our food okay blah yeah i don't know of course stop you got us and that hot washcloth it's like fuck yeah i think your brain has requirements for those things those kind of things i think so things those kind of moments are really good for your just good for your outlook, a reset I think that's like the same feeling that maybe a primitive man would get when he would like walk up to the edge of a cliff

and see like some crazy view and see nature and birds flying around the sun you know hey yeah I'm getting chased by leopards every day but look this is fucking amazing like a renewed enthusiasm about life about life itself and the simplest things obviously yeah i have a theory i don't give myself any credit when i have these talks when things are going well like it's good it helps you know like but if i can be in a

tense moment and get out of it, then I'll be proud of myself. Yeah, that's the thing about all that motivational speaking stuff, right? It's like the guy who's doing all the motivational speaking, if he's pulling up in a Rolls Royce and he lives in a big mansion, it's like, yeah, you're enthusiastic. Look, everything's going great. How are you if someone takes all this stuff away?

Then it becomes, can you be stoic? Can you be at peace when you're broke and you're by yourself in some one-bedroom apartment somewhere? Can you do it all over again? Get back to the suburbs. Could you imagine if someone told you dan cook was the first one ever heard talk about this so give him credit for that uh he said i would not never want to try to do stand up again i don't think i could do it like that it is so hard to do that i would never want to start and do it again did you ever think like what it would be like if you had to start

again like right now you don, you have zero jokes, you've never done stand-up, but somehow or another you have this vague memory of the grind that it takes to become an actual professional. I think I'd do it in a hard... I think definitely. Definitely, right? Definitely. But that's because

you already know, right? You already know you could do it. It would be a totally different thing. It's actually a stupid question. Now that I think about it, fuck Dane Cook. Just kidding. Just kidding, Dane.

Don't get upset. But I'm saying, if you think about it, that doesn't even make any sense because, of course, you would know that you could make it, so it would be way easier, even if you just started,

oh, I can't believe I'm 21 again doing stand-up. This is ridiculous. Are you 21 again, or you are? You'd have to start from scratch. I'd just do it to get younger. But then once you made the decision, unless you live in some bizarro world where you're allowed to live two lives, you would never even have memory, right?

You'd be 21. That's what I'd do. All I'd have to do is just say yes, and I'd be 21 again. It's a stupid fucking question. Maybe maybe maybe you have it a little off maybe he'd be like no i said this and that i don't think he thought it through you said something a minute ago and i that's when i should write shit down was it about the food thing no No, no, no. What were you just talking about before the food thing? We were talking about discipline, like hard asses. And then we got to how difficult it would be to start over doing, I think, anything.

If you said that to a brain surgeon, you want to start from scratch, start from right after you graduate high school. You want to take it from day one, freshman year of college. Just think about getting through no fuck that did you ever think of like i know two things i would have done like before when did you start stand-up eight uh excuse me i was 21 did you is there a job you when you were in high school did you think you thought you knew what you wanted to do maybe for a living not really my my number one option was teaching taekwondo which i

already was doing that's what i was doing oh so you were already yeah but i didn't i didn't want to fight anymore and i didn't think that um i didn't think that there would be like a real future in me teaching i didn't really like teaching everybody i only liked teaching people that were super enthusiastic because i was i was young at the time like when i first started teaching on my own i was 19. i was teaching at boston university i had my own school for you were 21. i was 19. wow yeah and in boston yeah in boston yeah i taught i taught a fail A class, like they can get credit for it. And I would say, all you have to do is just show up and you get an A. Just try. Just try and you get an A. It has nothing to do with your physical performance because

the idea that everybody's starting on the same page is ridiculous. Some of these people have like serious athletic backgrounds. Some of these people never worked out a day in their life and they thought it'd be fun to try something new. So the idea of like grading them against each other, I said, I you guys all an a and are you and and are you are you their age are you allowed to do that yeah as a teacher like they would the worst thing you do is fire me and i didn't care because it only paid like 200 bucks a month or something it wasn't expensive it wasn't a valuable thing but it was a prestigious thing it's like i'm teaching at a university and i'm 19

did most people get the a everybody got an a no I mean did anybody not show up all the times I taught I taught for a couple years one or two people just didn't show up you know they're always gonna have that yeah one or two people just say fuck they fuck off but I just made it fun you know I was their age and so we just we did a lot of cool shit and kick pads and I taught them how to turn their hip into stuff and how to you know how to get power things you can see them it's a there's something very enthusiastic about someone regardless of what their physical ability is getting a little bit better and seeing it you know even if they start from nothing and then you see just yes yes you're getting it you're getting it and then see them beam like this that that to me was what I was into what I wasn't into is

people that needed to be motivated they just didn't they couldn't they would they just half-assed things they weren't enthusiastic they were distracted maybe they were talking too much like you could do all that stuff another time but if you want to get good at this there's only one way you have to be really interested in getting good at it you got to be really focused on all the things you're doing right or wrong. Whenever I see a comedian, like you go back a year to a club, you saw a comedian, he's a newer comedian.

If he has been going up at least twice a week, and it's 52 weeks later, it's fun to see that type of improvement. And you're like, wow, like, yeah, maybe I've gone up what, 300 times since you've been here. But you can tell if they haven't. Do you have any friends that you knew when you were a professional and they were open micers?

Oh, you mean? Like they're professionals now. Oh, yeah. You were a full-blown professional. You met them when they were an open micer. Matter of fact, it leads me to a little plug. Oh, you want a plug? It does look like you set me up for it.

But Blake Wexler is a comedian. He's a professional comedian now. And he met me when he was like 15 or 16 at Helium. And he was wearing a Conestoga shirt. That's where I went to high school. So of course you're like, you know, and he said he's a new comedian. So right away, went to your high school and he's doing stand-up comedy.

He was with his dad. We talked. I go, hey, if you want to come back with your friend Saturday, I said, here's my number. I'll put you on the guest list. And then, you know, a year goes by. I was in Philly. I called him. I said, hey, Blake, you know, thanks for whatever it was. It would be a message.

Hey, I got your friends on the guest list for Thursday. And then there's these messages. Then we became good friends. So he told me I saved every one of your messages about a year ago. I've had people say that before, but then they go, oh erased or when they you know oh i got my computer and i lost them he came over about a year ago with uh like 50 messages and so we put them on a cd and put them on itunes and it's uh uh 12 years of messages from todd glass to blake wexler simple name but the reason i think it's really pure in which is a weird way to maybe say it,

but it's just from me to him. Now, there was probably three or four at the end where I knew they'd probably end up on there. But I mentioned it. I go, now this whole thing is fucking ruined because I know you're making that CD. So now I'm aware of it. But most of them, I never thought they'd end up on a CD. So it's just me talking to Blake. And it sort of tells our friendship.

You see the friendship grow. But they're so very funny to hear them years later. That's a cool thing to watch someone like that become a pro, right? And just see them when they're first starting out. And that first year or so, who the fuck knows what's going to happen? You decide, I want to try stand-up. And then you start going to open mic nights. first starting out and that first year or so who the fuck knows what's gonna happen you know you decide i want to try stand up and then you start going to open mic nights that first year who knows what's gonna happen i mean you might eat it a couple of times and dad be like all right this

is just too painful fuck this and what other job is that painful when you when you fuck up i know i couldn't even i couldn't even think about getting a weekend like because you did the MC I was on Wednesday and then sometimes you would Host that was like a thing you got to host the open mic night and then do Thursday best of Philly but getting a weekend I remember one sitting around with my friend. He was do you think you'll get a weekend ever? I'm like, I don't know like I don't know why I didn't think I get a weekend I mean, I was home but that's what you think when you're first starting out, right? Like, oh, no.

Some door guy told me I'd get, he goes, you're going to get a weekend. Wow. You know what I thought? He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. I thought, because I'm not going to be so stupid to think, oh, Tony knows I'm going to get a weekend. But he probably did know. He was around comedy a lot. He probably knew something, you know.

Yeah. Yeah, he's going to be, he'll get a weekend, you know. I got a weekend, all right. Yeah, man, when you're talking to an open mic-er, it's like you're talking to someone who's going to make a journey. If you had 100 open mic-ers, what are the odds that they become professional? They make it to being a working stand-up. I'm guessing I

want to guess it's one Oh out of a hundred well it's when you say it that way it is a bigger number but if you take an isolated area like Philadelphia or whatever city and you have any of these you know when you go into a town sometimes I'll know like some of the newer comedians they they hang out a lot sometimes they work at the club because they're new. But there's a group of them. And out of that group, whatever city it is, I always think somebody's going to. Maybe two even.

Maybe three. It's usually one or two at each level. But there's always a hundred guys. Right? Like, I started out with Fitzsimmons. Maybe I'm just meeting the cream of the crop. Well, you definitely are if it's in L.A., right? No, no, I'm talking about when you're on the road. Even in Philly or New York.

Oh, when they come in, you mean? Like Bloomington has a scene, and you think, a lot of those people, two years later, like, wow, look how good they're doing. And they're in New York now. So in a small group. But yeah, probably on all the comedians in every city that are doing it right now, I guess it's a lot lower. Yeah, what I'm saying is from the person who makes it on stage the first time, every week at the comedy store you're dealing with how many, what are they? I get it now. 16 people in a night?

Probably more. 20 people on an open mic night because they do three minutes each? Let's just say they get up 20 people a night. How many of those people are going to become professionals it's might be one out of a hundred it might be yeah on that on that because yeah and then how many people some people go up once yeah you know open mics are crazy i i encourage anyone if you're not even into doing stand-up just to go watch an open mic night and see the mania and the madness and what some of it is just someone who you you what you're seeing is potential right or no potential you're seeing one of those

two things either you see someone where you go that person is fucking never going to be a stand-up comedian there's no way there's just no way you know like there's no way. There's just no way. You know? Like, there's no way. And then you're saying, huh, maybe. Oh, yeah. She was funny. Oh, yeah. Sometimes when you say the first one,

where you go, no way. It's not even, they did a bad, it's not ever based on, we're basing it on something, it's still a guess, but we're basing it

on something pretty fair. It's not like their joke didn't go over and we're going, oh, no. Sometimes it's the vanilla-ness of the personality might not lend itself to be. Well, it's just sometimes their joke didn't go over and we're going, oh, no. Sometimes it's the vanilliness of the personality might not lend itself to be. Well, it's just sometimes their brain's broken, too.

Some people just, their brain's not working right. And they can kind of get by in regular life, kind of. But you see them express themselves like, I'm going to prepare something and bring it to the stage. And then people go, what in the fuck is going on in your head sir there's those people and you're just not this is not going to happen maybe might be perfect for music they might be perfect for being in the front of a punk band or something this is you know certain people like i think it might be one out of a hundred like if you bomb on stage with a song it it's got to be pretty bad, too. Right?

But you have, like, the others. Yeah. Obviously, the people that have, just so nobody thinks we're being babies here, the people that have physical risks, that's a way worse thing, right? First responders, police officers, things along those lines. Oh, even in sports, I always say, I could never do it. Because in a comedy show, and often it happens, everybody can win in one night. If you're on the road and you're with two other comedians

or three or whatever, there's so many nights where everybody wins. You do great. But in the sports, I'm always thinking, the pressure, and I'm not even into sports. I don't give a shit about sports, but when I watch a game, I get a stomach ache for the other team. I'm like, I can't take it. You know what? Some of comedy comedy is a sport you know why it's because like you're attacking

things that aren't there right like you're going after stupid laws and dumb shit that happened and like you you're literally by using your words and the way you're describing things literally having a little battle with something that's not even there. I call them verbal. I hope I say it right. Verbal shit. What's it when you're in prison? What do they do? Shivs, right?

Isn't it shivs? We're so white. Shank. Shank. It's a shank. A verbal shank. But don't you shiv them? You shiv them with your shank?

We'll be back. So you shiv, okay, sometimes when a comedian has just a turn, a phrase that would fucking, I always go, oh, he shivved him with his words. Like he just, a verbal shiv. I think that was correct. I think it's correct. It's fun to watch. Yeah.

It is. When somebody knows how to do it good. Yeah, it's, that's what roast battle was all about. Roast battle is essentially a sport. They would fucking mock each other, mock each other's lives in jokes and be really mean. And some of it was like, oh, Jesus. They would talk about their looks like, oh, my God. Some of them, it's painful.

I went and enjoyed it. I saw it up because it's almost a parody of a roast battle. I saw it at the comedy store in the little room and it was crazy. But when I'm watching i'm like i'm too sensitive i would i it would crush me it would just fucking crush me i don't want to know the jokes that they would make and of course yeah some people don't care but to watch other people um it was it was it was exhilarating it's a great joke writing exercise it is unfortunately some people are really good at that and then but when it to their act, they don't explore as much.

So think about if you're writing about someone. My point is that there's some people that I've seen that are really good at that roast battle. I've seen a lot of people do it. But then you see their set, their actual stand-up set, and it's missing a spark. There was a spark that you had when you were in combat with this other person because you knew they were going to be firing at you, so you were firing at them, and it was all in fun, but it was also a chance to flex your comedic writing skills.

Well, then when you're on stage and it's just you, then where's the juice? Are you upset? Are you excited? Are you just pretending it's not a big deal that you're on stage with a microphone in front of you? Because that's a real problem, too. Are you pretending it's not weird that your voice is amplified? Everything you're saying should motivate someone. It's just a great way to say it. Why are you pretending it's not cool? You don't have to jump up and down, but come on, what's going on here? Where are you? Why are you pretending you're not fully aware that people are standing in front of you,

hanging on your every word? There was a comedian like that in, I won't even say the city, but they had a roast battle. There were people from the history, like Napoleon. And it was great. That sounds awesome. Because it was also, that's why. And it was great. That sounds awesome. Because it was also, that's why I said it was a writing sample, because if you were writing jokes, you could also make statements, political statements, and go back.

No one gets hurt because you're making fun of Hitler. Right. But you still had to write great jokes. And one guy that did it, he was amazing. Like, what the? And I just thought, oh, he should know that he should be writing. Because his stand-up is exactly what you just said and it wasn't it was but the i was like oh this i hope he knows like oh that's your strong point the thing is the stand-up like when when you're doing something like that you have a little bit more freedom it's more open-ended but in the

stand-up right people are paying to see you and you you're supposed to be getting laughs right and when you're not getting laughs there's this feeling of disappointment in the audience and when you're doing new stuff man this is this is a distinct possibility there's going to be no fucking laughs in the spot where you wanted there to be laughs you're like yikes i thought that was a way funnier idea or maybe i just fucked up the way i said it or maybe i just have to stretch it out and figure out where the good spots are and then start hacking it up and editing it. But this is going to be a real problem with bombing. You have to be comfortable with saying a joke that's just not that good. And some people just aren't.

So they get to that spot and they go, fuck that. Let's do some tried and true. Boom. Let's hit them with some proven stuff. Boom. I know you got me nervous one night at the comedy store. I did? Yeah. You were like, just everybody,

you were right. You were like, okay, all new stuff, everybody new. Oh, that was just, yeah. And then I was like, oh shit. Oh, because we were supposed to. That was the show. Or something where, and I was like, I was up on stage. I'm like, oh shit, maybe he's never seen this one. I'll do it. This is, well, that wasn't a stand-up on the spot show that was Nick Youssef show right his new new

stuff show I think it was that I forget what it was but uh that show you're supposed to only work on new shit you suppose it wouldn't work like a weird rule when Youssef and I came up with it we were like it can't be any older than six weeks old any bit that you have to do self police but any bit older than six weeks old you got you got I have to self-police, but any bit older than six weeks old, you got to... I don't remember exactly, because I wouldn't have fought that. That's a good move, right?

Six weeks? Six weeks is like, you got some time. Yeah, six weeks, you're saying it's fresh enough. Yeah, it's new enough, but it's also like, you should have worked it out a little bit. Oh, yeah. You should be confident with that. That's more than fair. More than fair, right?

That's more than fair. It might even be four weeks. Four weeks might be the real... You should pull it back a little, if you ask me. Pull it back a little. Three? Three weeks? Maybe.

Wow, three was dangerous. I mean, that means you've said it five, six times. What more do you want? Sometimes there's a bit that works real good and then doesn't. You ever see those bits? They just die. You're like, this one's going to be a quarterback. Sometimes I never know, either.

If I videotape myself, maybe I'd learn. Do you record yourself audio? I don't, and I'm so embarrassed because I know how good it is to do it. I did it five or six times in my whole career. And it did so much good that you would think, because I'm lazy. You know what you were just saying about you go to a joke and it's just dead, which is like, I started doing this thing thing and it really helps me get out of those moments. So I'll just, I'll hit the punchline, nothing. So whatever, I'll go black. And then it

was, well, I'll make up a punchline. It was blue. But you know what? Then I realized instantly, see, here's what I just did. Sometimes in comedy, ladies and gentlemen, you get to an end of a joke and it's not the crowd's fault because you're great, but it just doesn't land. And it's uncomfortable for them. They feel bad for you. So what I did when I hit that period about 30 seconds ago, I'd just been talking nonstop ever since. And now we're here, and everybody's happy. That's perfect.

That's a perfect dismount. I do it for like 15 seconds, and then they figure out. I always say, are they going to figure out? I go, so about 15 seconds ago, I hit a punchline. It wasn't your fault. And now I'm here. Everybody's great. And then the whole, like a whole new premise, whole new premise launches.

Those like, that's like, Jesus Christ. It's like building a house. You're planting a seed, and then you're watering the ground and then the tree comes out you gotta wait for it to grow and then cut it oh you're talking about a whole not not a start a whole new premise like weird out there premises or premises you've never discussed before things you never thought of before you go into a whole new way of thinking about stuff it's so much fun isn't it fuck yeah it's awesome it really is i still get like it really is just and the and the and um you know with the recorder like on the phone that's changed that's because i don't like writing stuff down i could say that's changed my life

did you do do the um text uh speech to text yes where you just talk into it and write your notes for you that's amazing and it's every one of my i can just put jokes on there but if i you know the recorder oh that recorder man that just cleaned my head up yeah the recorder's giant it's a big deal yeah man anything where you can catch those slippery thoughts like i think neil brennan said it best i think he called his notebook he's like this is like a net where i catch ideas and i was like oh that is a great way of looking at it that is a great way of looking at it because some ideas to just go away like they're so profound they're so profound but then a couple hours later like what the fuck was i thinking that always used to get me where i'd have this amazing idea what i thought was an amazing idea and then i go ah that's such a good idea i'll

remember it in the morning and i go to to sleep. And I still pull that shit. I've never remembered it. Never. I still pull that. I go, what are you doing? If my phone, if I didn't have my charger now, I finally got a cord and it's next to the bed. So I always have a cord to plug in my phone. But never.

Why do I? And not half the time. Never. And I still have the, I go out. No, because that's a good idea. Never. Hedberg had a joke about that too lazy yeah about being too lazy to get up to get a pen to write something down

so i just convinced myself it wasn't that funny in the first place but what's great is that that was a bit he did on stage and it would kill yeah i mean i didn't do it well i don't remember the way you got the phrasing you got phrasing. You know the used to? I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. So last night we were saying, I used to do Mitch Hedberg's. I used to do

drugs I still do, but I used to too. I mean, I still do, but I used to too. Okay, let me back up for a second. So I do Mitch doing Rodney Dangerfield. I do Rodney if he did Mitch. I'll be like, I'll tell you the other day, guys, I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. That's actually pretty good.

So you do any Mitch Hedberg joke as Rodney, and it's, you know. And it's kills. I'll tell you the other day, I guessed if I wanted a banana. I said, no, I want a regular one later, so all right. You know what I'm going to do, right? So I do the used to. I hope this goes somewhere. So I did the, I'll tell you, I used to do drugs.

So my friend asked me if I still do that. I go, I used to do the Mitch Hedberg. I still do drugs, but I used to do. I still do, but I used to do. There's something in there. It's amazing that you kept it all together. I did for that one. There's someone who used to, used to do. do, but I used to, too. There's something in there. It's amazing that you kept it all together through that. I did for that one.

There's so many used to, to used to, too. But it makes sense. It makes sense. But you nailed it. You dismounted. I shouldn't try. Feet flat on the ground.

It's a solid dismount. There's no stumble. No, it was good. It was very good. Thank you. It was very good. Thank you. Mitch, he's like, to me,

one of the more amazing comedians ever because what he would do was complete non-sequiturs. He would go from one non-sequitur to another non-sequitur. He's like to me one of the more amazing comedians ever because what he would do was Complete non sequiturs who would go from one non sequitur to another non sequitur nothing connected together Other than here. Here's some other shit. I thought up, you know, here's another shit I wrote down and and even though not through probably a good idea for everyone to know that does one-liners That there's still it has to be an essence of you in them like

even though his jokes didn't segue together like they seem you're still you knew who he was by his jokes obviously like the oh he had a you know he definitely had they're not just individual jokes just glued all together no they were all so silly too so right exactly that's the thing about i've always said like the best way to describe him he's like one of my favorite silly comedians i know it's funny a lot of people you don't hear always a complimentary of course about me but silly and that's what i realized later after he died like how silly he was silly so silly so that was who he was very silly so that that's what you know about him you know he was the type of comedian he would get into his rhythm like i would listen to him a lot of times on the way to the airport because uh i was you know because that traffic on the way to the airport is annoying.

He just wanted to just chill out and giggle. So I'd put on some Mitch Hedberg and just be fucking giggling. And when you're just smiling, when you're not, when he's in between punchlines, you just have a big smile on your face. Because he would put on this silly vibe, and you would get caught up in it because it was really fun and then he had such great writing too and playful it was yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and rodney oh i think and rodney had a lot of that too you know rodney's seriously

seriously underrated comedian and his style there was a great article about it recently didn't we talk about this on the podcast that rodney there was an article that was written recently about rodney i forget who wrote it like esquire one of those things but they were talking about how long it took him to become a good comedian that it wasn't until he was like in his 50s that he figured it out and it's like talking about him boiling down his act and talking about how cutting all the fat out of his act if you go back and listen to his early performances and you could see it was more meandering and then it was more stand-upy yeah i realized that a few years ago when you listen to the old ones and he would like in other words a

joke could be it was still rodney but it would be like this is more of a joke a comedian would tell not really one line it'd be like right you know more of a joke a comedian would tell, not really one line. It'd be like, you know, you're getting old when your family tells you, when their family talks in front of you. Hey, put Pops in the garage. We got people coming over. Pop just sits there and drools. But that was more like a piece. And I forgot about that Rodney.

And then there's a lot of, you know, just there's short little stories, but they're not. And then all of a sudden, I saw him. Remember Bob Nelson? Yes. Bob Nelson opened for him. And then I got to meet Rodney backstage through Bob. And you know what it is when you think you know something? It applies with everything. Sexism, you think you know what it is, but you really don't. There's still a lot more to learn. Of course course I knew what timing was before I saw Rodney. I could tell you I was a comedian for 10 years at that point. But I know what timing is. But then when you saw Rodney, I went, oh, fuck, that's timing. I knew what it was, but I just got a doctorate in what it was.

I just saw it delivered like the best of the best of the best. And I go, now. I mean, it was just crazy with every turn and every. And then just when you think, how can he take you anywhere? And then the band kicks in. And then he starts like, you know, doing betting music. Oh, this the other day and my wife. And then the band bumped.

They got bigger and bigger. Then he started singing this song because everybody sang them. But Rodney did it in his own way. He starts going, you know, something about to dream whatever the song is and then he he does about 10 seconds of it and then he goes what the am i singing for you know it's like i'm watching him i'm going oh my god to you they're just a band but uh he goes i know to this band to you they're just a band but to me they're a bunch of fucking idiots and then the band has they're taught because they're all you know musicians from that city obviously they're taught you know so they he goes no they'll tell you what they are they're not and then they all stand up and they go we're fucking idiots

i got to see rodney when i was 19 when when I was working as a security guard at Great Woods. Great Woods is a concert place in Mansfield, Massachusetts, and Rodney was there in the bathrobe era. Did you see bathrobe Rodney? Oh, he went out on stage in a bathrobe? Naked, with a bathrobe on. I thought the improv he would show up, but you're saying he was doing this? In arenas. This place is big.

Great Woods is like 12,000 people. Isn't that great in a way, though? He was a fucking maniac. He was a fucking maniac. He was amazing. He was so free. He was hanging backstage, and apparently his cock is enormous. His cock and balls were just hanging out.

He didn't give a fuck. He's just got this bathrobe on, and he's got his legs crossed, and his fucking sack is hanging down. And the security guards would be like, what the fuck, dude? I didn't see that. I only saw him. It's like a Bigfoot sighting. And I met him later in life, but to me, in 1990,

I hadn't even thought about doing stand-up yet, but I was such a huge fan of it. He walked from, you know, like, you're looking down the hallway to where his dressing room is, and he walked from one room to another. It was like a Bigfoot sighting. Like, I only saw him for a second, but I saw Rodney. It's like that. You know, I said seeing Rodney was like, it's not like seeing, like if you saw Paul McCartney. Yeah, you'd freak out. But seeing Rodney was like getting to see if you saw Fred Flintstone.

You can't see Fred Flintstone. He's a cartoon. Rodney is so larger than life that it was overwhelming. You weren't just going, taking in someone that was a celebrity and you see it on TV. There he is. And there he is. There he is like three feet from you. And you'd be like, fuck, that's Rodney.

What is that between his legs? No, shut up. It's balls. It's kind of being covered by something. Is that real? Yeah. Oh, that's his balls. That's his sack or his dick or both.

He's an animal. Bob Nelson would have great stories about like, and they were so specific and you knew Rodney said them. And it was just so, a couple came up to him after their wedding, and they go, do you know this one? No. And they go, Rodney, because he was trying to gamble, you know, Rodney, we just got married, what do you think? And he goes, you both could have done better. What?

What do you think? You both could have done better, huh? That's a well-disguised insult. I'm telling you. That's a beautiful joke. Those people won't know that it was an insult until they get in their car. Wait a second. That means he says we're both ugly.

It's canceling out. That's playing ping pong in their head. You're both good. Who's that an insult to? That wife goes, it's an insult to you. I think it's both of us, you moron. Yeah. That's when you find out who the boss in the relationship is.

Joke like that. Why? Who has to take? It's me. Who's taking the hit? Yeah. Who feels bad about this one? Maybe you both be honest and just admit you're both maybe not that great.

That's a weird thing when someone feels like they're too good looking for the other person in the relationship. And could they be wrong? Yeah. They could be wrong. I mean, there are people that like different things. You know, there's people like different looks. Some guys like big girls. You know, who knows?

People like different shit. But if you think they don't like you as much as you'd like them. Can I tell you what you do to prevent that? What do you do? I hope I'm answering. I hope I'm. Is that. Because, you know, when people tell stories, I'd be like, and everything was great.

I think this is addressing what you're saying. Everything was great. And then it's just he or he or she or she or she, whatever the relationship is, somebody else goes, and they wanted to end it. Everything was great. Well, look, because what do you want them to do? Wait. I'm not saying there's not rules and feelings and how you present it. But I think most of the time everything is great.

And then you realize one day you wake up. And I've had it to me. I must have been on the other end of this. And they just don't want to be in it. But they stay in it because that doesn't mean they don't not care about you. So they stay in it and it gets bad. You see it coming. So I always say, I always let someone know, let them know you're not crazy.

They learn that by what you tell about past stories. And I once said this to someone. It was very early on. But I said, I have a feeling. I practiced it in my head. And I was glad I did it. And I was like 23 to someone. It was very early on, but I said, I have a feeling. I practiced it in my head, and I was glad I did it. And I was like 23 or 24 at the time. I said, I have a feeling that I like you more than you like me. And I said, it's okay.

I go, let me say this because I don't want this to be the day where I threw you off. If I'm wrong, I really like you. So if I just read it wrong, that's great. But I don't want this to be the day where I threw you off. If I'm wrong, I really like you. So if I just read it wrong, that's great. But, but, but, I don't think that's it. I go, I won't, of course I'll be sad, but I won't hate you. I won't be, I'll be okay.

And then he was like, you're right. Because I said it in a way that I could, that he would be comfortable to say, you know what? I put a little bit of choke, a little bit of like, but I was okay. And I want to know that. So that's my answer to your question. You don't want to be delusional.

I don't want to be delusional. I felt it. And I asked, and I asked the fact that I put that preface in there. Look, I need to let you know this, not to make you feel bad, but I do like you. Because I don't want to find out 10 years later, I thought you were giving me walking papers. So I had to be clear with my feelings but mainly let that person know and that way i didn't end up in a relationship for another year where i knew the other person might how could that go bad what i did there's no way that could go bad no especially if you're

hanging out with adults right you know when i was a kid i think one of the things that took me a long time to get past was it was always thought that if you talked about your feelings and your emotions, that that was weak. That was a weakness. It's not something you did with your friends. And it's not something you wanted to do with a girl. You didn't want to talk about your emotions. You didn't want to talk about how you actually felt about things. You wanted to play it stoic.

You wanted to Charles Bronson your way through life. You you know that's a lot of guys tried to do yeah and um that not understand like we don't one of the big problems with people because you don't really know who you like until you're around them for a while you really don't and then sometimes you're like oh i'm not into this person this is i'm so bored i can't have any more of these conversations i can't do this i can't do i'm panicking i gotta get out and then but everything was perfect everything was going amazing no no no you thought everything was going amazing it doesn't mean everything was going amazing i mean you didn't even check in right or the other way but no that could be bored as fuck with dudes it's

well no of course it's the same thing that's why i always say that like i'm i'm comfortable having the only reason i get nervous having relationship discussions when somebody's going too heavy on women are crazy i'm like if that was any truth to that you look at same-sex couples if if if it was true hey by there's a lot of women that think men are crazy. If that was true, if there's any truth to that, it's people. There's people that are evolved and there's people that have a level head on their shoulders. Because if there was any truth that one sex was crazier, there's a science to disproving that. Then in lesbian relationships, you'd go, hey, how's your relationship? And they'd go, well, of course we argue a teeny bit here and there, but no, no, we're both women, so we're getting along great. No what we got rid of the problem and in male-male

Relationships the it's the same problems. It's not like you go. Oh, yeah, we don't have the crazy women So when it's two guys date and everything's great. No same exact problem. So it's not the sex It's people does that mean you're a hundred percent correct? You could not be more correct and There's a real problem. We got to really avoid this shit. There's people that'll say things like, you know, women are all dumb bitches or men are all shit. And that that's nonsense. This, these gender based generalizations are so stupid. There's nice people that are women. There's nice people that are men. It's just, there's plenty of them. You can't have a few

bad relationships and turn on other people and every person has the same gender and also like take a good look at yourself because if you really you know there's there's some people out there that do generalize like that like look at who look at your shit thinking that you're just diarrhea spraying out into the world that's it you I mean, that's really what it is. Whether you're a sexist against women or a sexist against men, you have such a piss-poor way of looking at things. Everybody knows you're wrong. Everybody knows you're wrong. You think that, I mean, whatever it is, any generalization, whether it's a racist generalization, sexist, homophobic, it's all the same.

Everybody who's listening knows what it is. You know what it is when someone makes a generalization. Like, no, you're not looking at it right. You don't know nice people that are black. You don't know any nice people that are black. That's ridiculous. Like, who the fuck are you? Like, how can you make this judgment

when I've met so many? Like, you're not meeting enough people, or they meet you and they go, oh, this guy's a fucking asshole, so they avoid you, so everybody's got this thing that they're spreading about you yeah that's why younger people tend to you know just by being around i wish there was a place you could go if you couldn't afford college because i don't think it's the education at college that you probably learn the most from it's the being forced to be around other people you go oh i'd rather hang out with that group that i hated because we have the same taste in music and you learn it because you're

forced to live together right but i wish it wouldn't be cool if there was like where can you go if you're like well i don't afford college but i want to put my kids around all well some parents wouldn't want to do it but kids could do i just want to be around every type of person but you don't know to do that college that's the thing about college and i didn't go to college i didn't even graduate high school but isn't that true that that's the thing about college. And I didn't go to college. I didn't even graduate high school. But isn't that true that that's where a lot of growing does with young kids when they're forced to be around other people? Look, some kids, they're living with really suppressive parents. And the only way they even know who the fuck they are is if they could sleep in their own bed, open their own door with their own key, go into their own room, lie down, and then just be alone. alone be away from these other fucking people that are constantly giving you these rules that you have to follow and have these lofty expectations for your success and like fucking christ you don't

even know what you want to do and they want you to do something that's going to pay a lot of money we're spending a lot of money to send you to school todd we want to make sure that you're productive productive todd no drinking no gallivanting, just in there, work, work, work. And meanwhile, you just finally get a chance to listen to some music that you never heard before and hang out with some people from some part of the country you've never been. Maybe you smoke weed with them. You hang out, and you're 18, 19 years old, and you're just figuring out the world together. You figure out a lot of stuff.

Yeah, and you're free of the fucking parents. That's a big part of it and you're free of the fucking parents that's a big part of it man free of the parents and every generation every generation is more aware of how fucking stupid the previous generation was like there was some grandpappy days back on the fucking farm when they would you know they would talk about their grandparents and their grandparents were wiser than them you know that's not the case anymore the people today are more informed than any human beings that have ever lived ever. By the way, you might have just said the only thing that I agree with when it comes to – because I always say, look, of course there's things we should go back and get,

but mostly tomorrow is the better day. But I go, when there's something in the past that, oh, that's a struggle, oh, we should go back to that and learn that. I'm not just saying – but very rarely does someone get me. Mostly I always go, no, and I look at it for another. But that is something, but it explains everything that's going on right now. The two kids, well, I always say kids are getting smarter than their parents. Way smarter.

And it makes me want to be like a progressive bully. Like, I try to say, I called, I said that about you once, Mark Maron, not that word, but I go, I need people that are like, I think I might have said a bully, but on the right side of history, so it was a compliment. Thank you. And what I meant is a big guy that's like, yeah, fucking, but that's what I said. A progressive bully.

But you still, when I say it as a character, you still, you know, look, you still, you have clean thoughts and you've changed your views on things. But when I say it, I want to be so mean. I want to be so fucking mean the other way. I know what you mean. Dice clay, but just anybody.

You don't want gay marriage? Die already! Go home and die! Ow! Why can't people live? Drop dead! I hope you're a baby! Just the most vicious things, but all about people that won't, like, you know, all about.

Yeah, no, there's definitely some merit in that. Just people realize how fucking stupid it is because you're mocking it so relentlessly, and everybody's cheering along. And then someone who might be entertaining those thoughts is going to listen to it. There's a guy on Sam Harris' podcast this week, Waking Up With Sam Harris. His name is Christian Piccolini, and he used to be a white male supremacist, and he got recruited when he was like 14 years old

and was in it for like, I think he said eight years or something like that, and just was talking to Sam Harris about these horrific decisions that he had made in this group that he had got connected to, and they were committing violent crimes against black people and like all this the crazy shit that he was talking about and then you listen to him now as this guy in his 40s is like super rational and very intelligent and well-read and it's like saying like look i just got caught up in this ideology

i went down this road and i just other people were doing the thinking for me and we were all doing it for each other. It became this horrific group think that he got swept up in. I think that's happening with progressive people too. I think there's a, this, this, this need to be right and to shout down each other and,

and ruthlessly mock each other. Like that has to be used like nuclear weapons. Only in the case of severe issues where another country is about to develop a nuclear weapon and they're going to go after you first. Or they've already done it and you have to disarm their nukes. Got to be nicer to each other when it comes to talking about these ideas, because every time someone from the left attacks relentlessly and ruthlessly and viciously someone from the right because of their ideas, you just start a back and forth. You're not looking at it

in a way like there's got to be some way to communicate your ideas in a friendly way. You know what I do now? And believe me, I'm guilty of this. And when I even, from when I did my Netflix special to now, the way I do four jokes are like, I changed it. Because that whole thing, look, Todd, do you want to take people with you? Right, right. Because someone said, I don't want to be Tucker Carlson to the other side. So flippant and so fucking snarky that, so I go, okay, that's maybe what I am.

I don't see it when I agree with the person. So if I see someone that's snarky, but i go okay that's maybe what i am i don't see it when i agree with the person so if i see someone that's snarky but it says everything i agree but i go so i do want to sometimes bring people so change the way you say going a little softer remember you're trying to bring somebody with you and bring them over but right but sometimes i want to split the difference and i could be wrong because sometimes i think when i'm screaming at the top of my lungs and i literally have to take a break on the podcast, you know, about something. Maybe that gives, and it's about a transgender issue, something I'm not going through, but I'm able to scream it so someone that's going through it goes,

God damn it, Halsey's so close. Or when I can yell about a women's issue, so like, God damn it, scream at the top of my lungs because they say scream about what you're not because you can get angrier. Maybe I give someone their dignity back. Maybe sometimes screaming into the canyon is okay, but not to another person's face right right into the canyon of podcasting or yeah yeah yeah but when it comes but but then you have to decide because the podcast

is always a canyon i think it's also you have the ability so someone is going to attack you maybe the only way they have the ability is to do it in a Twitter post or a blog post. I mean, they're all people with their own opinions too, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's why you got to look at things. Yeah, you always... Yeah.

That's why I said I... That's why I'm very aware of that now. There's just way too much stupid fighting. There's debate over issues about real things. Like right now, what's going on with this... what do they call it, walk for our lives? March for our lives. Yeah, go ahead. Let me just real quick.

I have a few times, and there's even one post I want to take down because it's a woman that's heckling me. And it turned into a sexist words flying back and forth. And I want to take it down. If I could post why I'm taking it down. Because I think when somebody's, even when your fans are defending you, I like when someone corrects their fans. No, no, don't defend me with those words. Right.

You know, don't. So you're talking about before about when the verbiage is, you know. So always try to go in. I think you're responsible. If they're flying things back and forth and you're on a Twitter, if somebody's saying something, go in and say no. say no you know the word you don't have to start throwing around these words it's nothing even to do with the topic they're just that's the way they express themselves well it's like the way people disagree about things can change like the way they

communicate their disagreement can change how it gets resolved you know and but what always happens is if you go hard they go hard back and i And I think we're dealing with that back and forth in this country. And what I was going to say is about this walk for our, march for our lives, march for our lives, is that what I'm seeing that's very confusing to me is from people who are gun supporters, like the NRA supporters, who, and some of them have even mocked these kids for getting attention by going to these marches and stuff like that. And they're saying that nobody would have heard of you or nobody know who you are. Like, this is a ridiculous way to look at it.

They it's very defensive because they're feeling like someone's coming after their guns. So they're they're going on the attack in some ways. That's just really not recommended. Like the way they're doing there they're literally known mark they're mocking what the what the reason would be for these kids to be on TV that got shot at these kids that got shot at and they're fucking 16 years old and and they're going to be on TV, and someone's mocking, no one would know who you were

if it wasn't for this thing. Like, yeah, of course, but they went through that fucking thing. They're the few kids that have gone through this thing in the country that are standing on the public stage and saying, look at us, you've got to do something, you can't have the same

shit happen over and over and over again. And maybe they don't have the most complicated solution, but they're right, and they're forcing people to talk, and if anybody should be forcing people to talk, it's the kids that were

around their friends that got shot, who realize their fucking parents are working all day and they come home tired and no one's going to fix nothing. No one has the time. And the politicians are all in bed with the NRA and all these different organizations as if they're on the left and everybody's beholden to their special interest groups. So these kids are seeing all this shit and they know nothing's going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. More kids are going to get shot. More kids are going to get shot.

More kids are going to get shot. And then what do the NRA people do? They mock these kids. That's crazy. At what point doesn't someone pull you aside and go, I picture, I don't believe in violence, obviously, in relationships, but in the old movies when somebody would have to. Stop. Backhand, right? That's the best.

Just stop. Full disdain for any retaliation You said I'm trying to hit someone with the best part You know you hit someone the back your hand is the back your hand is generally more sensitive It's like it's it hurts I give you hit someone the back hand you can hurt your hand I got a lot of guys who've broken their hands in a fight Because they hit someone with a spinning back fist with the back of their hand. It's not protected

So that's just letting someone know I'm back fist with the back of their hand. It's not protected. So that's just letting someone know, I'm so dismissive of you. And by the way, since we were just saying how to be more peaceful, what I'm saying is when somebody, it doesn't even mean, we're not, I'm not saying don't have a conversation and don't disagree. Of course I'm not. We're saying the person that wants to shake you and stop you is once you start making fun of these kids. Someone even that agrees with you that there shouldn't be any isn't there someone on that side they can go

stop and i guess there are but when uh when they say you know you should learn see rick rick uh rick uh what's his name rick uh the the guy who said if they the kids should instead of looking for someone else to solve their problems, they should learn CPR. Rick Santorum. Yeah. That doesn't even make sense. He actually said that. That doesn't even make sense. Doctors were tweeting it brilliantly.

So you're saying John Lennon would be alive if Yoko Ono knew CPR? Is that what you're saying, Rick? Yeah, you just got to use CPR to repair that blown out liver. And they explain that to him. But then, you know, you talk about combating kids. I thought that was a great way. Just some really clean tweets from doctors, breaking it down very cleanly. This would not,

doesn't even make any sense. Rick Santorum is a Republican. Uh-huh. So there you go. But if I could just stop, just one thing I really feel like is really important to this. I think both the people on the right and the people on the left have way more in common than they have apart. And I think that a lot of the battle that people on the left have is they've chosen to be on the left, the same people on the right. They've chosen to be on the right. So anything that happens on the left, they completely disagree with.

They immediately go, oh, that's a left-wing liberal idea. And they just have these little back and forths with each other that are completely unnecessary. I think the majority of people just want everybody to get along, not have crime. You think Bernie Sanders maybe could have done that? Not could he have won, but what would have happened if he got— Maybe, but the problem with Bernie is the same reason why he let those Black Lives people take his mic and start screaming into the thing like, Hey, buddy, can't do that. You're running for fucking president, and you're showing right here that people can just storm the stage and take the microphone from you.

Like, you should say, I would love to have a dialogue with you. Let's do it publicly. Let's schedule it now. We'll come back. We'll get a large group of people, and I'll speak with you on Let's do it publicly. Let's schedule it now. We'll come back. We'll get a large group of people and I'll speak with you on this stage if you represent this very important political movement.

But here's what you can't do. You can't disrespect this campaign speech because you're literally stopping people from ever voting for me if I let you do it. Because that's the fact. People watched him do that and they go, you can't let kids just take over your show. You can't. You're the guy who's supposed to be running the country go you can't let kids just take over your show you can't you're the guy who's supposed to be running the country you can't even run this fucking thing

you got this one thing you're standing on the stage in front of 300 people three of them just took your mic congratulations you don't have leadership ability what about right there what about other than that that's a big part that's big that's that's not good that's not good good But you know what in the moment he made an error doesn't mean that's who he is Part of the problem is when people are judging you by these moments that you have right and it doesn't define him He might have done that and go well, you know, I was just trying to be nice I didn't expect that I thought security was gonna get them out of there, but they didn't you know They didn't did what they wound up on the stage with him screaming I thought maybe he i didn't i'd seen him do when he did those type of things a few times you want to see the video you want to see it it's kind of interesting i thought

it was his way of saying look i get it what it must feel like to not be able to be heard and it's not my fault that no one's ever listened to you so far but what do we have to do and then maybe he feels they go up and they just, a sane person would lead. It would lead a sane person when you ignore that long to just grab a mic. And maybe he goes, I have to be a part of letting this person spill out a little. Yeah, but the problem is then who doesn't spill out? Everybody can spill out. Everybody can jump up for their own cause, whether it's white power or fucking Jews lives matter, whatever it is.

You can just decide that you have a group now, and your group may very well be valid. But you can just decide now you're just going to yell out whenever there's some sort of a political speech, and then it'll be your chance to talk. You're just going to take the mic and make it all about you? Yeah, there's got to be some civility. There are a lot of things we need to be concerned with. We need to be concerned with war.

We need to be concerned with poverty, education, health care, all these different things. But you can't just represent each one of these very, very important groups and jump on stage everywhere and start yelling. Do you know what I thought? Does that make sense? Yes. I should be just done with this. No, why?

It's because this subject is like, it gets so exhausting. I know. Let me add one more thing. No, because I, by the way, you know, you have these theories in your head, and then sometimes somebody will respond and blow it out of you, just on your own mark. I never thought about that. But I had this theory.

It was a weird way that I thought about it. Well, two things. One, kids do. I'm stealing from the act a teeny bit but just because it's a you know a stat i use in the right kids do if there was a yelp review young adults have an amazing yelp review for being on the right side who they who they root for who they i think music well you're dealing with some left-wing democratic out here kids like what you ever talked to some kids from alabama well i I'm talking about the masses of kids

that march. The ones that march. The ones that get involved. If you go back and look at Kent State. I'm sure we could pull up 50. So with that said, I'm not saying we shouldn't doubt them. If I had a gun to my head

and someone said, if we had a crystal ball are they making the right choice about Bernie Sanders these kids and I go oh let me ask I gotta talk about that for fun I gotta watch a campaign I gotta watch a debate I can't how's he gonna handle public policy how's he gonna I can't just ask they go we're gonna shoot you in your head

I go kids overwhelmingly kids like him yeah he's gonna do the right thing and I think if there was a crystal ball here's my theory but i don't know i've never said this i think out loud that maybe 50 years from now just like we're learning about history they would talk about him in the way that you know this guy came into office picture kids and they're telling them why maybe 2022 started to be these good times and there's and then they're talking about history and they were well guy came in the office

And he really didn't know anything about the he didn't really know about he was he was not you know He didn't know about war he didn't know about no and no one thought he could really do it But he was one thing that you wouldn't think would answer our economical problems You can be a nice-hearted person, but that's not gonna answer your economical problems But it ended up doing that because he did truly treat everybody kind. And it ended up that when people started to be treated fairly, the world worked better with less depressed people. I'm not saying everybody, but we torture people. We had someone in power that was overwhelmingly kind.

And people felt the wrath of that almost very quickly. Maybe we go. And then you know what? No one ever thought this. Then some of the economical problems worked themselves out. Now, that is based on no... Science. No math.

Well, yeah, I'm acknowledging that, but that was in my head. See, the economy is apparently a very complicated thing that can be interpreted many ways. Like, there are many people right now that would tell you the economy has never been better. Stock market's booming. Black people are more employed today than ever in history. And these are like the MAGA people, right? They'll jump on that. And other people will tell you, no, we're sitting on a bunch of huge bubbles, a commercial real estate bubble and credit bubble and all this different shit that could go down at any moment. There's all sorts of problems. We're getting automated cars soon.

It's going to put thousands of people out of jobs, if not millions. It's hard to figure out who the fuck's right. It's hard. When you talk about a dummy like you or myself and trying to prognosticate like what would make people successful and what would make people not what i i don't know about the economic part but what i do know is as long as you have a person who's kind but also firm like a person who's kind but you also you're not worried about them if something happens with China or Russia. Like, we live in a crazy world. We live in a world where there's really basically three superpowers,

but one motherfucker of a superpower, and that's us. But we're run by a guy who used to host Celebrity Apprentice. Okay? Like, it's gotten super squirrely. It's super squirrely. And there's all these other people that are other superpowers that are going, hmm, what's going on over there? That place don't look so fucking healthy. That place looks a little fucked up right now.

And this is like they're expelling Russian diplomats and all this crazy shit's going down. And Putin just won another election. And we're watching this thing go down between the top three superpowers, and one of them is run by a maniac. Maybe two of them are, but one of them is run by a guy we know is a maniac, and we put him in there, and a lot of people are still going along with it, and they like it. So I – oh, I got a question for you. Okay. With no – not like snarky or anything, because I was trying to think, like, you know, like, there's more things you said we have in common than there's got to be some commonalities. Freedom.

Freedom's number one. What would be one that you could like? Because I always think, like, anything I can defend Trump on, even if it's stupid, I go out of my way to defend it. One time someone, it doesn't matter what it was. There were two times. And I did. I went, no, that's, he didn't do anything. But what's something positive about Trump or a bill they want to pass or something they want to do that you think, I'm okay with that? What are some of those things?

Are there any? As far as bills? No. Something you can be positive. Meet in the middle. I haven't seen anything that made me very excited. I've seen more things that made me very nervous. The offshore drilling. That made me very excited i've seen more things that made me very nervous the offshore drilling that makes me very nervous obviously those things break sometimes we've had a few of them in our lifetimes um the alaska one that was a big one i remember that it happened

right when i was in high school or no i was uh right when i was starting to do stand-up that's what it was like literally right around then the Valdez had crashed and leaked all that oil and just destroyed this delicate ecosystem with millions of gallons of oil or whatever it was. How many thousands of gallons or whatever the fuck it was. They're going to have more

offshore drilling. That scares the shit out of me. They're getting rid of certain public parks and shrinking them and opening up these drilling, these these areas for drilling and natural resources that make people very nervous that in doing this, they could be damaging rivers and that these delicate ecosystems where people go and hike and camp through and they're going to close these down. That's the real concern. The real concern is that people are going to somehow or another, we're going to suffer so that some companies can profit incredibly off of natural resources that are on public land. That's a big fear because that's some shit that is really unusual about this country and some shit that Teddy Roosevelt saw way, way in advance.

He saw the benefit of doing this, of having these massive national parks. Can I have a hit of pot? Yeah, sure. I'll just summon those that grab one of those. What about positive, I was asking? Because you're saying find a commonality. But that's the number one negative.

All this social stuff, I mean, I feel like the most hilarious thing is that Kim Jong-un actually wants to talk to him. It's like, this guy's so crazy. Maybe I'll just talk to him. I mean, like, nobody else wanted to have meetings with that guy, right? He's wanted to talk to a president for the longest time. They wouldn't talk to him. Right, because they don't want to give him that photo opportunity at the very least.

That's hilarious. They're worried about their Facebook page. Sure. Would we witness that if they talked? Fuck yeah, we would witness it. And Trump would tower over them. It would be so creepy. Trump's a big guy.

And you see what happens when – have you ever seen pictures of him with Dennis Rodman? Did you ever see pictures of Kim Jong-un? I'm good dude Kim Jong Un is a huge basketball fan apparently and loves Dennis Rodman so Dennis Rodman goes to North Korea Dennis Rodman if Trump was smart

I know Trump hired Omarosa Trump should definitely hire Dennis Rodman fucking 100% say Dennis Rodman please would you be my emissary? Look at that. Look at how big Dennis Rodman is. That's a large fellow. And he's not even big compared to, like, a really big guy, right?

Like LeBron? He's pretty big. What's his name? King Jong what? Kim Jong Un. I still can't say it. See, get a picture of Kim Jong Un with Dennis Rodman. What if he were, like, you think it would be bad if he wore, like, foot-high platforms?

There they are together. But he denied it. Yeah, he probably would. And he had long pants trying to cover them. Well, he's Korean. Well, he's North Korean. There's some Korean folks that are pretty big. I remember when I was a kid, the kid who won the heavyweight national title was named Jimmy Kim.

He was a big Korean kid. Big heavyweight kid. He was really good. Six foot five? Yes. I don't know how big Kim Jong-un is, but I bet he looks tiny compared to Dennis Rodman. Two foot three. I just looked it up on my phone.

Wow. That was quick. I think it would be a weird meeting, but it might actually be okay. It might be good. This people got a, something's got to break over there. Like what they're doing is just insane. The way they keep those people essentially hostage. There's no food.

The people that have escaped have had horrible fucking parasites in their body. See, I feel bad. I don't know. A couple guys escaped and got shot at on the border. Fascinating footage. So you're saying they keep them hostage. A couple guys escaped and got shot at on the border. Fascinating footage. So you're saying they keep them hostage. Who are you talking about? The people of North Korea. They're essentially held hostage. I mean, they're trapped by dear leader.

You know what they have to do? When the dad died, these people were all weeping in the street, and they had to weep outwardly, loudly, as long as they could do it. And if you stopped weeping early, you'd be punished. And people who they felt weren't weeping enough got six months in jail. It's a crazy place. And everyone turns on everyone. Everyone rats everyone else out on everything they do.

You're supposed to meet together. You go in front of these people and you rat each other out for all the different things you do. Michael Malice has a great book about it. Is it called Dear Reader? Is that the name of his book? Dear Leader or Dear Reader? Why do I feel like it's Dear Reader? He's a funny guy, Michael Malice, but knows a lot about North Korea.

Do you ever hear something and you're like, I should know that? Yeah, I should know it too. That's one of the beautiful things about this podcast is just being able to talk to someone. It is Dear Reader. Being able to talk to people

on this podcast and get a little quick three-hour crash course in what the fuck's going on in North Korea. So Michael was amazing for that. And you know who else was great for that?

Henry Rollins was. Henry Rollins went over there as a fucking tourist. Wandered around over there. That guy's an animal. That guy goes everywhere. And he just went over to, what was the,

was there a purpose? Henry Rollins just picks a spot on the map. You should listen to his podcast he did with Ari Shafir. That's the one that really got me. I mean, I changed my, the way I look at Henry.

I always, I always liked his music. I always liked his spoken word way I look at Henry. I always liked his music. I always liked his spoken word stuff and his acting stuff. And this is his attitude, just a no bullshit sort of a guy. He's got a little saying that he put on the back wall of one of the clubs that I worked, one of the theaters that I worked, about the people that work there. You know, you're the lucky one, so you should be very thankful that these people who work way harder than you make way less money than you.

And I'm like, that's a guy that's like looking at it the right way. So he takes us, he takes a fucking spot, points it down on the map and he's like, okay, let's try Bahrain. And he just fucking travels to Bahrain, you know, he'll go to the middle of Africa, go to Cameroon. He just travels there He doesn't know anybody there He buys water when he gets there brings his fucking camera and some clothes and a laptop And he takes pictures and then he writes he doesn't do any shows or anything fucking animal dude

He's crazy. No shows you shows anymore doesn't do shows anymore. He does spoken word performances. He doesn't do any music anymore He says i'm done i don't want to do it anymore and just writes books and just writes a lot of articles writes articles for like a bunch of different publications but i mean he's super prolific and i really enjoy his writing his writing is is it's like it's crisp it's energetic it's uh like he writes like the way he talks and the way he behaves. Like he appreciates your attention span. You know, he's enthusiastic about what he's talking about, and he's got some shit to say. Bam.

Well, it sounds like something. I'm not a good reader, but I could get it on books on tape because just hearing it directly. Yeah, because I get, I like when someone speaks to me very specifically. Yeah. I get lost very easily. Me too. What did I have to say about Rollins?

He went to North Korea too. He's an animal. The guy went everywhere. How long will he go somewhere like that? A couple weeks. Whatever the fuck he wants. He's Henry Rollins. And he has money, so he can stay in a nice hotel.

Do whatever he wants. There's no nice hotels. There's places where there is no nice hotels. Really? There's no nice hotels. You're not living in a lap of luxury in cameroon it's like you know you take what they got and you know you just hang with the people you'd be like the locals you know meet some cool people hang out with them that's that's the reality the guy was just um you know feeling his travel oats and really got into it.

And now it's like a, uh, it's recreation. It's not just recreation, you know, it's, it's a recreation, but it's also like a life perspective,

altering burst that you give yourself. You know, you go to Pakistan, you're wandering through the streets of Karachi in Pakistan. You're like, what? How did I do this? This is crazy.

And then he's got to actually survive. He's got to get out of those places. Man, I don't know if I could. I mean, I know after you go through something like that, your spirituality, your evolve. And that part I admire. But then doing it, I just just I don't want to be in like you have to be uncomfortable and hot and oh yeah oh yeah you know what I mean you gotta be uncomfortable you for sure I mean he's gone everywhere but yeah I'll just watch the documentary

there's something about going to those places though though, right? Oh, of course. Even the few places I've gone. Do you ever go camping? Uh-huh. When was the last time? When I was two. Maybe. No, no, no. About a year ago. Did you? About a year ago. Where'd you guys go? Went to, oh, I shot a pilot. That sounds so, called Camping with Todd.

Oh, really? And we went, we shot it up. It was me, Zach Galvinakis, and John Dornetti Pepitone. Oh, man, that sounds awesome. Close to letting it we shot it up. It was me, Zach Galvanakis, and John Dornetti Pepitone. Oh man, that sounds awesome. And we were pretty close to letting it happen. It happened. You know what's weird? We didn't end up... we shot the pilot, even a bad pilot, but that's the premise. I really did think, and I don't ever think this, but once in a while I do, I'll just be honest with my thought. I'll be like, I think this is gonna sell. Because it's just camping with Todd. It's like, you're around fire, people

are comfortable. They talk. You have a musical performance. Who was playing the guitar? That was John Doerr, but he was just being silly. Okay. As long as he's only being silly. I will not tolerate some real live singing by a fire.

And then at the end, we did. We had someone come out with a trumpet and a guitar, and they did a real so kumbaya, so public domain. And then we tried to sell it and you know, no one was really interested. So it's okay, you know No, you know What is that thing that people do where they like hire someone to play acoustic guitar and sing songs in a restaurant? They like walk over to a table. Have you ever seen that? Oh like a mariachi or not even a mariachi Oh just a guy with a guitar. I was at a restaurant the other day, and this woman, she had an amazing voice.

She was singing that Dolly Parton song, Jolene. And she just out of nowhere. I went to the bathroom, came back, this lady singing a song. I didn't even know what happened here. Magicians used to do that? Oh, that was the worst, dude. That's the worst. Wait, who did that?

It would interrupt a conversation. You'd be in the middle of a conversation. I'd like you to pick a card. What? Fuck, man. Come on. I'm not interested. Thank you. But if you say thank you, you're the dick. I just came here to order food. I don't want to do tricks.

Even though I love close-up magic. I really do. To me, it's the only magic there is. But yeah, if you're in the middle of a conversation, you feel horrible. You really do feel horrible. Magic and meat, if that's the only magic there is. But yeah, if you're in the middle of a conversation, you really do feel horrible. Unless it says magic and meat, if that's the name of your place. It's magic and meat. And everybody knows that you're going to eat

and that a magician is going to come over and come to the table and do his stuff in front of you. That is totally cool. I'm not against that. But if you're in the middle of a conversation and the magician comes over and all of a sudden wants you to pick a card, like, come on, man. We have some shit we have to talk about.

Just because we're in a public place doesn't mean you can join in. Like, we're supposed to be sitting. We're paying. We're paying here. And then you can either be a magician or, some people would say, conversation stopper. Yes. You got to go, what do you put on your card? Yeah.

And then it's not even his fault. It's just the job. That's his job. What is he going to do? Like, that's what they hired him for. Hey, you want to work for us? Sure, I need a job. Okay, you're going to be a magician.

You're going to walk around the tables and do magic in front of people. Okay? It's not his fault. Right. That's why I air. It's the restaurant's fault. That's why I always air on, even though i was interrupting the conversation i just i get it so i'm pretty polite and i uh and try to enjoy it and it's usually pretty short but yeah

i'm always wishing yeah we're just into this intense conversation yeah it depends on how high you are right if you're high you let the guy talk but if you had a cup of coffee like hey dude i can't what if you give him 500 if you need if own or manage a restaurant, you need a close-up magician. Who the fuck is that? Oh, you need. And it's all capitals. Listen, it's only happened to me twice ever, and it wasn't the worst thing in the world. I just feel like unless it's in the name of your restaurant, you probably shouldn't do that.

It's not like something that happens a lot. You know there's a magician listening. like magicians i love working at the comedy magic club i used to back in the day before i used to book my own show there when i would do a show uh i would work with a magician always it was always like one comic a magician and then maybe one other comic i think that's how they did it they do it a bunch of different oh yeah in emosa beach yeah that place is amazing that place is they did it. They do it a bunch of different ways. Oh yeah, in Hermosa Beach. Yeah, that place is amazing. That place is amazing. That place is also like a museum of comedy.

Inside with all the, they have like Popeye's outfit that Robin Williams wore. It's framed on the wall. And those signatures in that wall, in the green room. It's a crazy array of signatures on a wall from the last 35 years. Or 40 maybe. That's crazy. That's a long time the last 35 years. Or 40, maybe. Yeah.

That's crazy. That's a long time to be someone. And be such a nice guy, too. I think that's the second oldest comedy club in the world right now. I think the Ice House is number one, and Comedy and Magic is just slightly younger in terms of a club. And then where do you go after that? The Comedy Works in Denver? Pretty close.

For olders? How old is the Comedy Works in Denver? It can only be like 23 years old or something. I thought it was like 30. Is it? You might be right. Yeah, didn't Roseanne start there? Maybe Roseanne started there. In Detroit, his name is in the title.

But still, we're in the 80s, right? I mean, there used to be some places. The Ice House is from the 60 60s the ice house started. Oh, no. No, I'm sorry I didn't mean older. I just meant we're next on the list. Where do you go to? Yeah, these places are not yeah, but I mean there's like a there's a few the old old old places that are still around Those are like historical places Like the Comedy Store is the most historical but there's a lot of historical places helium is historical now because how long has helium been around for 13 years yeah that's a spot where universally people talk about that place I feel like acne acne in Minneapolis is laughing skull in Atlanta that place is off I have the charts

intimate 90 people maybe you done it yeah yeah fuck the curtain that goes amazing you know that's a good example of a room you're going down a hallway you're at a restaurant picture everybody everyone has to go to a club for the first time you go it's in the back of a restaurant you go down a hallway then all of a sudden even though it's a simple room there's a there's a sound booth there's lights the curtain shuts the lights go down and then when i think every second you're in a club like that where they have production you're like oh this is something you know like the audience that might not know what to expect now they know it's going to be good sometimes even before the show starts just the way the place conduct itself and then the house lights go out

It's like a big deal. So I love that that room is great spot a lot of fun in that room It's another one of those really intimate places. I don't even think that's a hundred people right 80 80 people. Is that what it is? Mm-hmm amazing Yeah, those spots man. I counted I have a clicker because I'm gonna do it. Oh, you know, no, no I don't know One of those guys. Didn't that happen? Someone did that on stage, made everybody call out a number at a club somewhere. Oh, because probably to see if there was more than they said. Exactly.

He was working on some sort of a door deal, and he thought there was more people in the room than the club owner told him. So he had the audience individually count out a number. What? Like, we're going to start from this table over here. We're going to move to the left. Just, you're number one. Ready, sir? Go.

Number one, two, three, four, five, six. And people would just, I can't wait to say my number. They'd just be sitting there, 36. That proves that people just, some people want to yell out. That was fun for them. No one, how many people were going, all right, we don't need to do this. They do, but I think it was like a 350-seat room. Wow.

Yeah. Maybe he didn't have the material. Maybe. It's totally possible. Totally possible. But whatever it is, that's how he found out. He went through the whole room. And he got past the number that this guy said there were,

and then there was, like, still 50 more fucking people. I wonder if that's true. Oh, I think it's true. I think it's true. I think the waitstaff is what told me about it, and I think they were very enthusiastic with their descriptions. Oh, wow. So you think he caught them, like a club owner trying to hide how many?

Could be. The good clubs that have been around forever, i've had almost perfect experiences like the clubs that they're all pretty decent so i forget sometimes what some of the shy steer ones yeah because you hear stories about people on the road like manipulating the money and stuff but you do hear that that can happen with some clubs i think some club owners develop a very animostic animosity. Is that word animostic? That's not even a word. It isn't.

I know what you're going to say, though. Right when it came out of my mouth, right as it was going out, I was like, is that a real word? Animosity. I don't think you can use that as an adjective. No, you can't. Exactly. Towards comedy. But they develop this animosity between each other.

The club owners don't want to book you. You get mad at the club owners. Then when you make it, you're like, fuck that guy. I want more money. Tell him, fuck him. And there's this weird thing that happens. They knew you when you sucked. And then as you're coming up, they don't want to pay you more.

And you're like, but I make more now. I'm a headliner. And you get into this weird sort of thing with each other you know i think that that that poisons the well for a lot of like comedian club owner relationships but we need them so bad like you and i are not opening up a comedy club this is not going to happen right we need the improv we need these clubs you need the ha ha in north hollywood we need them like they like we all have to work together like it should be We need the improv. We need these clubs. You need the ha-ha in North Hollywood. We need them. We all have to work together.

We should all figure out a way to be nice to each other. We need each other. We're not going to do that. That's why I try, and not only do I try, I do it too. As much as I complain about when they do it wrong, I always spend twice as much time giving clubs a do-it-great, a shout-outs, throw in love their way. There's a lot to it, right?

They're so important. And you know what? When I go to, I thought the mic was coming at me. When I go to a place like. The spray's starting to hit. Oh, Jamie, how dare you? When I go to a place. That's the first.

Like Portland, the helium in portland philadelphia but where there's a manager or and uh they run the place look i know they're stressed out but they're good at hiding it yeah yeah they're professional always and i thought i couldn't do that i'd be frantic but always like hey sorry no how you do and i think you know i try to i try to go wow that that you know give a club like that, you know, when that exists, I go, I don't even know how they do it. Like, it's so good. I don't know if I could do it like that. And then this guy's like, do you remember Tom Sawyer from San Francisco?

I know of him, yeah. You never worked for him? I don't think so. Really? You never worked at the old Cobbs? No. The little Cobbs? At once.

Did you work at Big Cobbs? No. I had opened up for I did some shows they're like through you know like a festival never through the club yeah well I just I don't want to beat on it too much we're just so fucking lucky that we have places to do it you know it's just a weird relationship that comics and when it gets I know when it gets volatile yeah because both part both parties have some work to do it's's really, if they were in therapy, you both got some things you can fix.

And as long as, because it is true, it's like I'm not unaware of what you're saying because it's just comedians for every club owner that maybe ripped somebody off, which of course they exist. There's also that comedian that thinks everybody's ripping them off and nobody is. Right. There's both. There's both. Yeah.

Well, it's just that when you're not getting booked, it's real easy to develop that sort of animosity between you and a club. There's just, if you're not, you can't work and you think that other guys are not as good as you and they're getting work and you get frustrated and you're young and dumb already, you know, you can have that sort of weird, complicated relationship. It's just one of those weird things the club owners and artists have always there's always been disputes right i mean way back into the day where they that dude jumped off the fucking roof of the hotel next to the comedy store yeah that

was that was out of protest between the comedians uh protesting against the club right they walked out there was a strike there was an la comedy strike because no one was getting any money and these clubs were smashing it and we weren't getting any of the money like there's always been that and that still goes on today like ucb ucb doesn't pay people they don't have to they're doing great i mean until someone forces them they could keep doing whatever the fuck they want to do there there is there's also that there. There's also some good blood out there, too. Sure. But, yeah, with good clubs.

There's a lot of good little communities, too, where guys put together a comedy night somewhere. Yeah, and some do a great job at that. I'm always in awe of that. When you go to a comedy night and someone did it, you're like, they took a bar you know just every little thing is right sure people get some people really know how to produce a show yeah for sure it's always fun to walk into that and they just found a good spot too there was a good spot that i worked at only once and it was in encino it was really weird it was i'm telling you i mean it was a five minute walk from my house. It's when I lived in Encino. I lived off of White Oak.

And I could just walk down there and go to this weird comedy club. I never worked there. The entire time I lived there, I never worked there. I did one set there and I was like, what is this place? This place is weird. What club? I don't remember the name of it. But it was a bar in the front and you'd

go past the bar to this back room, and it was like all people that I had never seen do stand-up. I'd never seen them at the store, never saw them at the lap factory, never saw them at the improv. It seemed like they had either just started or they were crazy. Maybe it was the night that I was there, but I was like, this place is nuts. And how long ago is this? More than 20 years. Yeah. This was like this place is nuts and how long ago is this more than 20 years yeah this is

like 95 i think yeah it was weird it's weird little comedy like there's this whole uh another world yeah this world's out there man just like and if you go like into orange county and into san diego san diego's got its own fucking scene. Right, right. You know? Santa Barbara had this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Santa Barbara. Yeah, all these different places. Santa Barbara I don't think has that comedy club anymore.

I heard that comedy. See if Santa Barbara has a comedy club. That thing once a month they do. I did it about, it might have been like six months ago. San Francisco has a scene. They got a scene. Seattle's got a scene. There's some scenes out there.

There's some comedy scenes. It's just like how many of them are really thriving. It takes a lot of club owners, man. That's the thing is what I'm saying to these people that don't get along so good with club owners. If they're not doing it, we're not going to. Comedy Hideaway in Santa It says closed right now. Hours, does it mean closed forever? No, it's 1 p.m. on Wednesday.

Okay. Although he'll do random shows like... 1 p.m.? He still does. He still has shows. It's just always under comedy hideaway, and that's where you find out, oh, he's doing it there, he's doing it there.

Oh, okay. Oh, I get it. So it's a hideaway. So it's like a gig like oh he goes to different spots oh okay so sometimes he'll be in the same spot for the weekend sometimes it's bounces around oh okay i know i'm his manager i'm telling the kid he's got to be more specific with his social media marketing come on yeah i don't know man it's like that but what makes a scene is a club owner. Like Wendy. Wendy from the Comedy Works in Denver.

She makes the scene. That's the club owner. She's the one who puts her finances at risk. She's the one who manages it. She runs two clubs. And in those two clubs that she runs currently, she created the Denver scene. Mitzi created the L.A. scene at the store, I mean, Mitzi's guidance, her, like, her, what she tolerated, what she enforced, and what she preferred, and who she gave enthusiasm to. She, like, shaped.

She shaped so many comics, man. You know, so there's a few of those club owners that are, like, super, super special. Like, really, really important people. They just, they create an environment where shit pops out of. I know. important people they just they create an environment where shit pops out of i know i say it's the closest thing like presenting knowing how to present something especially when it's comedy i'm in awe of whenever somebody you know do you ever think you would do that i mean you've designed them do you ever think you would i don't think i'd want to own a club because i get it

comedians can be a nightmare to deal with some of them are just crazy. Yeah. Some of them, you just can't do it. I get it. You know what? The other reason, I was close once maybe, but because let's say there's somebody I like as a comedian, but maybe they trash a hotel. I don't need to know that and then be mad at them. Oh, what happened?

How come you don't talk to blah, blah, blah anymore? Because I make my club in Philadelphia real nice. And then he went in and he, you know, they tore the curtain down. And I don't want to not like him for that. So let me not own a club and deal with anybody I know on a business level. That's a good point. That's a very good point. People do it and it's hard, but they'd empathize with what I'm saying more than anything.

So it also says we're not delusional when we complain about clubs because it says, yeah, we get it. There's some, when they do it right, yeah, we get it. There's some. Right. There's some. When they do it right, there's some comedians that shit on it. Right. They ruin a condo that they're trying to make nice. I get it. But overwhelmingly, it's probably, no, it's trying to be fair.

No, you are trying to be fair. There's just a certain amount of people that are nuts. They're going to fuck places up. They're going to ruin things. They don't give a shit. Or own a club or whatever they do. Ruin the relationship that the club has with some other business. You know, it's just, you know, comedians are crazy.

Here's me on the phone. What? He shit? For what? And that's not even normal. That's not even normal is a good one. Yeah. I mean, I know he's crazy's crazy and then somebody that I well you you know He said he wanted to pay for the steam cleaning. Well. I don't know we'll get new carpet

Yeah, it's diarrhea man What he sprayed diarrhea before I love it You know why because that's to me if you're saying the wrong thing So it sounds like just you're shitting diarrhea all over everybody. But that's not even your fault with a lot of people. A lot of people, it's like they don't probably realize what they're doing. They're doing it and they think they're right, but they're just looking at it from their own personal selfish perspective

because they're excited about what they're saying and because they're engaged in a contest. It's not just that they're talking saying and because they're engaged in a contest it's not just that they're talking about stuff they're engaged in a contest they're trying to win that's where the diarrhea comes out they're just throwing it at you and get in your face it's like oh this is this a contest and they'll suck you in suck you into it see that's what i think one of the big things is wrong with people today. And it's been wrong of me in the past. You get into these conflicts for no fucking reason. It's not worth it.

There's no fun in that. It's stupid. If you want to get in conflicts, you should be doing difficult shit with your life. There's a lot of different difficult things to do. Don't get in arguments with people. Have you done it in the past ever? Arguments with people over nothing? Yeah, sure fuck you is that in the car window you know no fuck you fuck you you feel like such a loser after you get out of there like what did i even

say yeah we've all done that somebody cuts you off or someone's on their phone they almost slam into you and you freak out and they give you the bird and you're like fuck you yeah for sure and now almost zero almost zero almost zero most of the time i'm pretty cool i just but it's a matter of always thinking about it it's a matter of always recognizing like these are just stupid impulses don't just follow any childish impulse like some 13 year old who's got his first boner like use your fucking brain don't yell just use your brain i always still i just more than anything because it's usually not even involving me when i still witness the finger out the window fuck you i always go who from a calm place who are you and you know what i've seen it a civil person that probably is about to sit down at a restaurant, and probably a relatively nice guy, but that's, if you're 40 years old or 20 or whatever age,

the younger, the more understandable. But when you see, let's go with a 40-year-old, putting his finger out the window, fuck, I go, who are you? Where are you going? How can you be of the most value to your children's lives if that's the way you express yourself? Don't tell me, oh, I'll do that, but I'm a good. No, that's the way you express yourself don't tell me oh i'll do that but i'm a good no that's got to leak into everything you do you're putting your hand out the window uh 40 fuck you i'm like who the what who are you who are you you should treat everybody

in the other car as if they're a giant friendly linebacker, don't ever say I'll fuck you up. Don't ever say I'll kick your ass. Treat them with, like, some people have a little bit of fear of them. Don't want to be mad at you. Lay back. That's how you should treat everybody. If we all just did that,

we'd all get along great. You know, you don't look at some giant ass. I go to this gym. These NFL players go there. And it's hilarious, man. I'm like, excuse me. Pardon me. Woo-hoo.

I'm like ducking under dudes' elbows and shit trying to get to the weight stacks. They're enormous people. I mean, some of these guys are like 6'4", 300-plus pounds, just enormous, enormous fucking people. Just show a little. Have a little respect. If those guys were in cars all around you, you wouldn't be yelling, fuck you, pull over, pull over, pussy, pull over. You wouldn't do that because these guys will smash you.

They're not even the same thing as you. The reason that it makes me laugh, that behavior, is because it's not always a maniac in real life, but they should see their behavior as maniac-like. Because it is. It's like... Do you know where it comes from? What? Do you know where it comes from?

Just not being able to express yourself? No, no. When you're in a car, you're worried. Your senses are ramped up. Like, if 10 is, like, full awareness, you're at, like, 6 or 7, where in normal life you're, like, at 1. Like, you're already, like, kind of wrapped up because everything's moving fast around you and trying to stay calm

and someone's doing something or you and trying to stay calm. And someone's doing something or trying to get in your lane. Oh, you fucking piece of shit. You're ramped up already. Right. That's why when you're late for something, even me, and I'm a pretty civil person and I try to stop it. But if I'm super late and nervous, I will say to the person doing the most mundane thing, what the fuck are you doing? Exactly.

Exactly. Go. Go, pussy. Go. I will say this. Go into traffic. Zero out the window. Zero.

That's good. I'm talking about this is in the kit. But even in the contents of your own car, you should be proud of your behavior. But at least I know well enough when I'm doing that, that's gotta be for me. And I should work on that too. I had a dude scream at me and take his shirt off to show me his tattoos. That's just sad. And then, and then he called me a rich piece of shit.

I was not rich at the time, but I did have a white suburban And I guess white suburban made you think, I mean, I wasn't famous at the time. He didn't know who the fuck I was. But I don't remember what it was about, but I remember the dude took his shirt off to show me his tattoos, and I started pointing at him laughing. I'm like, ah!

I go, did you take your shirt off to show me your tattoos so that I'll think you're a tough guy? Is that what you just did? I'm like, that is hilarious. And so I'm yelling this at him, and he's getting more and more red in the face, and I'm like that is hilarious and so i'm yelling this at him and he's getting more and more red in the face and i go that's hilarious you took he goes i'll fucking kick your fucking

ass you fucking faggot you rich piece of shit i'm like rich piece of shit wow bye and i just i just drove at least i was thinking at least i'm driving this big ass truck if like he slams into me he's gonna get fucked up. This thing's huge. Nobody is ever ready to be called out because he knows why he took his shirt off. He's so stupid. He thought I'd be scared of him because he's got tattoos everywhere. Meanwhile, as soon as he took his shirt off, I was convinced I could fuck him up. I was like, this dude doesn't work out.

There's no way he knows anything. There's no way. I mean, he was just like a Guy, you know, it wasn't like a scary guy But he had tattoos everywhere like all over his neck and shit and they weren't even good. I like tattoos It was just such a stupid thing but I mean I bet if I knew that guy in real life and we were just Together in a fucking office building and like he worked in one office and I worked in another. I'd be like, what's up, man?

What's going on? Everything cool? We've been friendly as shit. It's just this weird thing when you're on the highway and everybody's ramped up. Everybody's nervous. You don't even realize you're nervous, even if you're calm and you're good.

You're always ready to do this. You're always ready. Somebody's like, oh, she's hit the brakes. Oh, look at that. It's a fucking thing in the road. Oh, shit. You're always ready for that. You have to be ready for that.

That's why when I go to my house to Silver Lake, some people want to get on the highway. And I go, I don't want to get on the highway. First of all, it always ends up being about the same time. But even if it's five minutes longer, on surface streets, on a highway, I feel like I'm getting too out there in this highway world. I just want to go somewhere where I'm not on the highway. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I do know.

Because on the side road, I can handle it. Right. But on the highway, I just get stressed out a little more. So I'm like, if it's 10 minutes longer, I don't care. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. It's chilling. It's more relaxed.

It's chill. I'll take Pico. You're stopping, slow down. No one's driving that fast. I'll take Pico from Center City to my house Yeah, I like to be half an hour. I like going over Laurel Canyon, you know when you go into Hollywood It's like it's more chill. It's kind of cool get that cool drive down that winding road down That winding road down is excellent man. It reminds you you're in LA. Yeah, and I always think I like these

Bad motherfuckers that live right there on the road. Who do you have to be to be so confident in people that you buy a house right there on Laurel Canyon, around one of those corners, where someone could easily miscalculate and slam right into your car and slam into your house? You know those streets? Laurel in particular, there's a lot of jockeying for position on Laurel. I saw a guy the other day take a chance move and dump into the left lane to oncoming traffic to pass a guy on Laurel. And I was like, whoa, that is a, like, you're committing to being a cocksucker. Like, you're going down this, there's no way you know if someone's coming. You don't have enough time.

And if they're coming up the hill, like, you're coming down the hill, the same kind of asshole-ishness, we got a real problem here. Like you're going into the left lane. But that's right next to your house. What? These people, their houses are right there, man. Like you could like reach out and smack their mailman in the ass as they're driving by. It's crazy. Crazy.

I always think that, like, on the highway, when there's an apartment building so close to the highway, that you could forget something and go, honey, I'm pulling around in the overpass. Come over to the window and throw me my shoes. Like an episode of The Honeymooners or some shit, right? Yeah. Catch! Yeah. They have a string.

Maybe they run from the, I don't know. Whenever I look at a science fiction movie about, like, the future, nine remember district nine great fucking movie man um but one of the things about these like super uber congested cities you look at them and you go okay is that coming is that like going to be everywhere are we going to be really living in this sort of weird dystopian future i mean new york city is in the perfect spot right because it's not quite dystopian but it's definitely exceptional like those views that you get like a buddy of mine had an apartment in brooklyn on the water facing the city which i think is even i don't know if it's better than being in the city but it's pretty fucking stunning and i just was in his living room going holy shit man this is crazy like this view is

great it's beautiful like stunning but if that keeps going right then it becomes this monolithic huge favela like you know some crazy like completely stuffed with people and chickens and dogs running around and i mean like all these future dystopia movies they're all everything's all it's not like everything's amazing in the future we have these huge super populated cities and everything's perfect no it's all like way more crime way more craziness oh stressed well it's just thinking I think people are improving and you think people are improving we both do we think life's improving

does that mean you're kidding no no no but I'm saying there is a problem with the numbers the actual raw numbers of us like if you go back just a few decades the amount of people was like 5 billion less I mean it's not that long. I mean,

if you, I think you go back to like the eighties, what is, what we've done this before. And I know I've always forget. And I probably should remember, but what was world population in 1985? That's when I got out of high school. I want to say it was less than 3 billion. That's what I want to say. No, I'm wrong. 5 billion, a was less than 3 billion. That's what I want to say. No, I'm wrong? 5 billion? A little less. A little less than 5 billion?

Okay. I feel a little bit better. Anyway, during that time, from 1985 to 2018, it's now, is it 7 billion or has it hit 8? Because the world population was real close to 8. 7. 7? Fuck, man. That's a lot of people.

But you know what? That's gaining more than two billion people in just a few decades. So you keep doing that. You do that a few decades more. Does it accelerate? You must, because there's two billion more people having people. So it's got to accelerate exponentially. Every problem you list, I feel like I connect it right back to old people.

Like the population, we just live in a society that, oh, you have kids, have kids. No one goes, hey, well, learn about yourself. And when you really know what your patients are, then if you start, you'll see at a certain time, you might be. No, no one, just that type of you have to have kids. Okay, that's older people, you know, that put that thought out there. The energy problem, if like kids were if we were just leading kids lead we'd have electric cars already you know they like they already had that information back then and we just the real problem with electric cars are the batteries well i mean

even like oh that's true but what about that out what about just um i mean elon musk is pretty much at the top of the heap when it comes to figuring out electric car technology. I don't think there's anybody that's ever had it nailed down like him before. There's a few different car companies that make really good electric cars. Fisker makes a really good one. But the technology is reliant upon those batteries.

This is not something we could have had 30 years ago. What about solar power? Solar power is absolutely viable, and especially in California, where it's never raining. It's been raining out here for a few days, and especially in California, where it's never raining. I mean, it's been raining out here for a few days, and everybody's like, it's amazing. It's like we're living in Seattle. Everything's all green and shit, but it's sunny most of the time, and we could just be collecting energy for that.

There's political issues with that. There's like you'd have to get the infrastructure ready. You could sell back to the grid. There's that. People do do that there's a lot of like difficulty though apparently uh brian callen went through that when he got his house solar powered and he said is it really a lot of red tape and he goes and it seems like they're trying to discourage you from doing it and make it difficult for you to do it for you

to switch over to electric they because he had his installed and hooked up for months before it uh it got switched on with the grid. It was like a real issue. And then even more so, I think, if you want to go off grid. So you can use solar power and have no connection to the grid. That's a slippery slope. And in some places, I don't know if you can do that. I think some places might actually prevent you from doing that, which is really weird.

They can prevent you. You will only use our logs. No one else's logs should be in your hearth. Our logs! Basically, that's what they're saying. That is what they're saying. Because that's not the tone they say it with. You can't say, hey man, I don't need your

power anymore, but thanks. No, you will be on our grid. How do you think they would sell that? Just guessing. How do they make that make sense? They would have to have some regulations. We don't know shit about your solar. We don't know if it's dangerous. We don't know what you're up to.

I mean, they can sell it in any way they want if they're doing it in order to save their constituents money or to do the bidding of whatever special interest group is lobbying for them to do it. I mean, that's why they do those things. They don't do those things because they make sense. They don't do those things because they're logical. Hey, don't get that free power. Let me make it confusing to get that free power. Make it real hard for you to turn on.

I'm just going to stretch it out a few months. You've got to keep paying me for a few months. If they can just do that with a million customers, you have three million more months of billable hours if they wanted to do it that way. If they just made it a policy to act slower. I don't know how it works, man. But I know how money works. I bet there's

truth to what you're saying. There has to be. There's so much money involved. And they don't make power companies because they're altruistic, beautiful people who want everybody to watch TV. They do because they want that cash, baby. You know, that's why they're going to drill holes right next to the river. Come on. That's where all the good stuff is. Fuck the salmon.

They're just going to get in there and just start drilling. They don't give a fuck, man. People who just want money don't give a fuck. This is what's the problem with guys like Trump. This is what the problem with the guys like he brings in. There's so many. Like, the number one thing is not making money. The number one thing is sustainability.

That's the number one thing. Living off the earth. That's the number one thing. Can we live off this earth? Okay, good. Number two thing, we got to be safe. Okay, how can we be safe? Well, first of all, we got to be safe okay how can we be safe well first of all

we need to be able to talk so freedom of speech is hugely fucking important when it comes to being safe you need to be able to say things without fear of repercussion you need to be able to communicate 100 honestly amongst each other and so we can figure out how you really feel tell me how you really feel about this then i can understand you i don't really understand you yet because you're hiding how you really feel about partial about life parts of life that's where freedom of speech is so goddamn important just one aspect of it being important being able to protest about stuff all that shit you have to pee so what you wrote no no who just did that somebody just did that

the other day and handed me a note I I have to pee. How long have we gone? Oh, it was Pat Miletic, yeah. It's 1.30. What did we start at? Like 11.15. So you do the math. I'm too stupid for that. Yeah, I was already.

Just me too. That's what we were talking about. That's why you eat the food that you shouldn't be eating. Same reason. You got that fuck it gene. Fuck it. After midnight. Yeah, it yeah it's hard oh i do it sometimes i came home the other day from the ice house saturday night and i cooked a steak at one in the morning i got the cast iron skillet out and i put some butter down and i had steak and kimchi while i watched tv at one o'clock in the morning or whatever the fuck it was.

And it was delicious, right? It was amazing. It was amazing. I'm lucky that I, the reason I want to stop is not because I get sick. I really have an iron stomach if there's such a thing. That's good. But it's just, you know, it still makes me feel a little bit, like I don't get sick, but you feel a little heavy in the morning. Dude, I took two whole days, yesterday and the day before, where I ate bullshit.

Yesterday, I ate egg rolls. The day before, I had a big bowl of pasta, and I had a cupcake. I just decided, fuck it. It's Sunday or Monday or whatever it was, Sunday and Monday. Let's just have some fun. So for two days, I just ate whatever the fuck I wanted. I just decided I want to do that. i had the worst farts of my career i mean of my career of farting these were the these were the bombs to end all bombs my body's just not designed to do that

anymore it just doesn't want to do that anymore because I've been eating so clean, so regularly, that just a couple of days of pasta and bullshit and egg rolls and my body was like, fuck you. I felt lethargic. I was like, I just want to sit down all the time. My workout sucked. It was hard to push myself. I was like, wow, like this is not good. Like eating bullshit. Just this is what most people are doing.

Most people are doing all day. They're eating candy bars and bullshit. Me? And they're not getting any nutrients. You? I mean, I... You eat candy bars? Well, here's what...

I mean, I'll... I eat very bad. Why? You should eat good. I know. You're a smart guy. I know. Why don't you approach it like

you're taking in the artwork of these people who cook food for you or learn how to cook yourself. Here's the problem. Oh. Is that I, during the day, I eat great. I juice every day. Like kale, carrots, celery, ginger,

beets, every single day. So you don't eat terrible? Well, no, that's just because my only thing I can do to say okay well I have the shitty diet I can at least say to my body I think I think of myself as my body going thank you for giving us some good stuff we wish you wouldn't need that other shit but thanks for something that's every day I juice but then it gets bad late at night I mean if it's but that's good though so you're not all bad you have a lot of good habits like you're very aware that you need nutrients.

When you do do that stuff and juice, one of the things that they say, we should probably look this up right now because I'm obviously not a nutrition expert. But I'm pretty sure they say that vitamins are absorbed better when you have them with some healthy fat. So I think they recommend coconut oil. them with some healthy fat. So I think they recommend coconut oil. If you have some coconut oil with vegetables, when you drink vegetable juice, it actually can enhance the absorption of some of the vitamins. Wow, that's good to know. Yeah. So some people mix it in or mix MCT oil, medium chain triglyceride oil. Fat-soluble vitamins. You won't get enough vitamin D from drinking vegetable juice. It's found mainly in fatty fish, cheese, mushrooms, egg yolks, beef beef liver and fortified foods you need vitamin d that's a

yeah i that's different they're saying this that's they're just saying that uh vitamin d is very difficult to get if you're vegan that's all i'm saying i do eat food too but i like some the thing is like i at night i'm so hungry so it's like i'll go to the vaughn's i'll be like well listen i'm gonna want candy no matter what. Right. And I had dinner at like 5.30. This is like now at 9. So I don't really need dinner.

I eat dinner. So I go, well, if I'm going to get dinner, I'm going to want candy. A second dinner, whatever you want to call it. A second dinner. Nine o'clock. A treat. So I know this is bad, but the last few weeks I'll be there and I'll be like, you know what? I'm going to eat.

I'm going to want candy. I'll just there and I'll be like you know what I'm gonna eat I'm gonna want candy I'll just get candy and then I'm proud of myself because I did like you didn't need food and candy get food or candy and when I get candy

I get candy it's not like you getting like a jumbo Snickers bar what are you doing I told someone that helps out at the podcast

when they're at the Vaughn's to get me a candy bar they brought me back a candy bar a little I'm like are you shit what kind

oh Reese's Cups I said get some Reese's C What kind? Oh, Reese's Cups, I said. Get some Reese's Cups. They brought back two Reese's Cups in a pack. Oh, little ones? Yeah, I go, when I say Reese's Cups, I mean a bag. Like, I had this fantasy. Now the fantasy that I had of eating Reese's Cups non-stop for five, ten minutes is now

gone. Love, love Reese's Cups. Do you like the double? The big't. Love, love Reese's Cups. Do you like the double? The big ones. Yeah, the big thick ones. And I like to have them with ice cream. Oh, I've done that many times. All kinds of ice cream.

Chocolate ice cream. Fuck it, I'll have it with strawberry. I don't give a shit. You know, I know. But what would we say no to? Bro, I'm crazy. I know what I would rather have, but you take a double Reese's Cup, put it in the microwave for literally 10 seconds, and then get the vanilla ice cream and just smash it on top. It's absurd. Absurd.

There's something about ice cream and some cakes, like a warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream. Woo! Holy shit. Chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream. Oh, my goodness. A good warm chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream. Oh, my goodness. A good warm chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream. Apple pie, though, with cinnamon and vanilla ice cream. Holy shit, Todd Glass.

Holy shit. Holy shit, that's good. The French apple pie with vanilla ice cream. Apple pie is American, motherfucker. I don't know where you get this French shit from. Here's what McDonald's should do. Do they even have apples in France? Speaking of apple pie,

McDonald's should do this. Take a clear glass that you can see, right? Picture the commercial. They'll shoot it right. Then put the apple pie in there. Apple pie in a glass. And then fill it with vanilla ice cream and put some caramel sauce and go, call it their apple pie a la mode. And put a spoon and you get the apple pie in there. Apple pie in a glass. And then fill it with vanilla ice cream and put some caramel sauce and go,

call it their apple pie a la mode. And put a spoon and you get the apple pie, the vanilla ice cream, a little bit, little bit of sauce at the top too.

You shouldn't be telling them this on the show. You should go to them with a proposal. The Todd Glass apple pie a la mode. It's a great idea. And they have all the stuff

there to need it. You could be their spokesperson in the commercial. This is my idea. I think it's amazing. Just do it way look look look you get the look on the side there's the apple pie and the ice cream and some caramel sauce on the top dig in it's apple pie a la mode that's a great idea i mean that's a good idea especially if you could figure out how to nuke only the apple pie well they could so they have to put it together no the apple pie is already hot it's in there they'd have to put it together. No, the apple pie is already hot. So they drop it in.

They drop it in hot. And then drop the ice cream on top. Drop the ice cream on top. That's genius. It takes a couple seconds to make, right? You don't just grab it. You've got to drop one in there. It's very easy to make.

Yeah, bang, bang. It's their, yeah, right? That's a great idea. I know. That's a really good, that's the best idea I've ever heard on this podcast. Thank you. Oh, they have it.

This isn't McDonald's. I used to work at a restaurant that made this exact dessert the way you're describing it. In a glass? Yeah, in the exact order. I'm not saying the idea is, I'm saying it's that they have all the ingredients to do it. They have those glasses, they have apple pie, they should just serve it because I bet it would be

a big seller. Those apple pies are not bad either. Those McDonald's apple pies, when you want one, those are not bad. those mcdonald's when you want one those are not bad no what's that two for a dollar is that what they are yeah wow that's pretty good here's my bad i call it junk it's junk it's food but it's junk yeah but not candy junk food right so i like to get the biggest mcdonald's hamburger there is like whatever it is that i can get on the menu i look okay can i get that with nothing on it just a plain burger no cheese no nothing okay then i get an egg mcmuffin you can either do two things one you could take all the ingredients that I can get on the menu. I look, okay, can I get that with nothing on it? Just a plain burger, no cheese, no nothing. Okay. Then I get an egg McMuffin.

You can either do two things. One, you could take all the ingredients off the egg McMuffin and put it in the hamburger. So you have a hamburger with an egg, a piece of ham. It's so good. Or take the hamburger, put it, and let the egg McMuffin be the bread. But it's pretty good. That sounds pretty goddamn good.

That sounds like you're doing God's work. You're figuring out some stuff that they can't figure out. They figured out some impressive things. They figured out how to make a fucking juicy, delicious pancake that's the top of a McMuffin. Those McGriddles, that is one of my all-time favorite cheap foods. A goddamn McGriddle. Those are fucking delicious.

They want to talk about, like, the good feeling in your mouth for a buck, like how much bang you get for your buck if you're hungry with the cheese and the egg. Holy shit. Here's my point, how much I agree with you. Now, we're not saying the ingredients or anything. If you took that McGriddle,

I say this with a lot of foods. I'm just using this as an example because you just said that actual item. But I say this with a lot of foods. I'm just using this as an example because you just said that actual item. But I say this with a lot of things. Put it on a – take that McGriddle. Put it on a chopping block at a French restaurant. And then all you do is put that McGriddle on the chopping block and then maybe put some syrup all over it.

Deliver it to a table. No one's going to go, it's good, but it's not like it's for food. No, they're going to go, shut the fuck up. Yeah, exactly. You know what I say that? About Papa John's cinnamon things they do. You know where they take the bread, they put the, it's not only they put the butter on it, but then the vanilla glaze all over it.

They put it in the oven. If you were anywhere, they go, oh, at about six in the morning, they put the fresh cinnamon tarts out, you know? And then you took a Papa John's, put it on. No one would eat it and go, it's good, it's sugary, it's doing the job. They'd go, what? What if you had a McGriddle with ice cream on it?

Wow. Ice cream in between. Like in between the layers, you put the McGriddle down with the sausage. It'd be absurd. It'd be fucking amazing. Oh, sausage? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't think of the sausage. Sausage McGriddle. I just thought the bread and the syrup and stuff. No, the whole sausage. I mean, that would... Let's see. I don't know. What do you think?

Let's see. You could definitely do it. I've always loved Hawaiian pizza, the pineapple and ham together. Yeah, me too. Some people... You know what? I'll argue social issues because I think there's a good side of it. But some people, I'm okay to let go and people go,

I can't believe someone would like pineapple on pizza. Okay. Right. I'm not, I can't believe you like the pixies. Jesus. Is this okay? You know what I really love? I'm a pineapple.

Pineapple and anchovy. I know it sounds disgusting. It tastes amazing. It's one of my all-time favorite pizzas. It might be my all-time. Mine's pineapple and sliced sausage. What are you watching, Jamie? This is a McGriddle being rolled into those rolled ice cream things that's popular right now.

It's almost what you just described, but not quite, and it looks actually kind of gross. So they froze it and then turned it into those things? Yeah, have you seen those? And they chopped it up and flattened it out? It's like barely food. It's barely food. That's so weird. What is it?

Oh, wow. So it's not the inside of the McGriddle. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just the outside. As it starts over here again. And they turned it into this thing. Does McDonald's do it? Yeah, well, that makes sense if it's the inside of the McGriddle because it's all, I mean,

the outside rather, because it's all just that doughy shit anyway. Also, they poured the batter on it and then shot. Oh, it is everything. Yeah, yeah. It's the meat too. Oh, that's crazy. How weird, man. It might be good, but I don't know.

It might be good. Look, it's probably an interesting way to eat. It's no different than what you're doing when you're masticating it. That's what you're doing. You're making that out of it. It's just making that already. It's just maybe you don't want to see it. I found out this past weekend that ground beef was invented by the Mongols.

Ground meat. I went to see the Genghis Khan exhibit at the Reagan Library. Fuck living back then, dude. You think it would be hard to start over as an open mic comic? Imagine starting off in a Mongol camp. Wait, why was ground beef invented? They invented ground beef, apparently. Mongols invented the Mongol Empire is either indirectly responsible, directly responsible,

or they invented like a shitload of things. And what year would that be? What year would it be? I think that was like the 1200s that they existed, that they first came to be. What, just before that they just ate steak? No, I mean, look, they all. Whatever you call it. I think they probably just, yeah, they just probably like cooked meat and just ate the meat.

And then someone figured out Well, you could take tough cuts because they would eat, you know, whatever the fuck they could take a tough cut and grind it up You can cook it and eat it easier. So figure that out. You don't eat meat, right? I ate a lot of meat Oh you do. Yeah. Why do you think I wouldn't eat meat? I don't know this, you know Maybe it's bad for you. You one of those guys. Well, no, no, no. I would say free. I would just say I listen to, always am open to listen to new things to sway my opinion,

but I like the stance of, I heard someone talking about at least free range. Now, I know the opposing view on that too, but I just thought, you know, if you're thinking, I get it that there is a food chain. This is what I heard this person speaking. I'm not saying it, but it made sense to get it, that there is a food chain. This is what I heard this person speaking.

I'm not saying it. But it made sense to me. No, there is a food chain, and we don't have to torture animals, of course. But there is this. But, you know, untortured animals, then I would be like, if I was going to eat meat, I do eat meat. But I wish I did it that way. I'd be proud of myself if I committed. When I hear someone that does that, I'm like, oh, I have admiration for that.

Would you ever consider killing an animal that you were going to eat? Would you ever consider like raising a cow and killing it? I couldn't. But I don't. What about hunting? Do you think you could hunt? No. No?

No. Could you? Oh, you've hunted. I do. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm not, I'm not, I just couldn't hunt. I'm not proper. You just don't want it.

Yeah. It's not something you're interested in. I'd be too scared. Listen, there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. It's like. I shot a guy in the face once at camp. Oops.

You shot a man in Reno? I shot a man in Reno. Remember, when he's singing that song, he was in prison, which I'd like that he went back and performed there. They don't have to be lost. Yeah.

And then he goes, I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. And they all go, whoo! I go, well, let's not glorify them.

Yeah. I know. What if Johnny Cash said that? All right, listen, I'm here. Guys, guys,

guys. I'm bummed out about it. Yeah. I'm bummed out about it. Yeah, I'm bummed out. I'm singing it. It's not good. Didn't someone just do a stand-up special inside a prison? Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross did, but another comic did.

A black comic. You know the. Yeah, yeah. Ali Sadiq. John Barry Wagner. Is that it? Yeah. How do you say, is that how you say his name?

I think so. Pull, see. Wow. I like the background you have behind you more than the background behind me. Yeah. You look at the screens. What's it called? I think I do have to go to the bathroom. It's bigger than these bars.

Oh, nice. You got to use the bathroom? Yeah. Go ahead. Don't worry about it. Sorry. You're not going to say anything? No, we could bars. Oh, nice. You got to use the bathroom. Go ahead. Don't worry about it. It's all right. You're not going to say anything. No, we could wrap this up, too.

We've already been on it. Yeah, I was going to ask you about this while you go to the bathroom, if that's okay. Okay. This Mongol eating meat thing. I just pulled up this article from the New York Times. It said that horse meat being tenderized under their saddle is a myth. I don't know if that's the same way it was described. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tenderized under their saddle? Yeah, it said that it was. Steak tartare was horse meat dish that originated from the horse-eating Mongols of Central Asia who swept across the eastern central Europe 800 years ago. The most common tales of the tartar, the tater, how would you say that? Tater, tartar? Tater tots. T-A-T-A-R.

Horsemen would put a slice of horse meat beneath their saddle in the morning and retrieve it, tenderized by the pounding, to eat raw for dinner. They supposedly left their raw meat-eating habit behind, and according to one version of the story, it was carried by the German sailors to Hamburg, where the taste for ground beef began, begat both hamburgers and steak tartare. Huh. That's interesting. Is that where Neil Hamburger, is that where Hamburger came from? That guy that goes Hamburger? I'm just kidding. Go ahead.

Use the bathroom. It's cool. Is that okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Cool. I wanted to ask about that because that's interesting. I wonder if the Reagan Library has old information in their exhibit.

It says it's been passed around as a myth from since like 1924. Yeah, but you can't just say that if you're running a museum you should probably know that that's not true unless they they figured out chopped meat and this is not the same thing right maybe it's not maybe originally it was but i would feel like if someone wanted to do that that would be a way to tenderize meat yeah well i mean i with the the same restaurant i was describing that I worked at before was a Mongolian barbecue grill where we'd cook with swords, literal metal swords on a flat top.

And it was supposed to be representing the shields that the Mongols would cook on back in the 8-hunt, whatever. They were just shredding meat. That's the only way you could do it. So they were shredding beef. I don't know if it's ground, but, like, definitely shredded. So it's almost the same thing. Yeah, when we cooked in the field with Rinella for the first time,

when we shot a deer, he pounded it flat. He took a chunk of the back strap and then put it in between. I forget what he put it in between, but pounded it flat before he cooked it to tenderize it and break it down a little bit. I just watched a video of a guy pounding an aluminum foil roll and making a knife out of it. It's fucking badass. of a guy pounding an aluminum foil roll and making a knife out of it.

It's fucking badass. Like a knife, like a shiv or a shank? Watching it. I know you like to watch knife making things. Yeah. It's just like it. It's a 10 minute video of him literally taking the whole roll. Pull it up.

I want to see that. That's crazy. Some dude made a knife out of an aluminum foil roll. That's when you really want to fuck somebody up. But you're trapped in a restaurant. Hey, I have a question. Go ahead. He probably should go for the claws.

Look at this. Look at this guy. He's going to hammer down this aluminum foil until he can turn into a knife. He did it all in the kitchen, too. He just uses a regular old stove, gas stove. Did he just hammer it down and then fold it? Is that what he did? No, he leaves it here. I'll just kind of skip ahead so you can see. It is a good idea

for bad, unless you were trying to use that to build your kids a fort. Then you're a nice person. You bake a hammer. Whoa, he turned it into metal that he could saw. This is crazy. Holy shit. He spent a lot of time sharpening it down this is crazy whoa this is nuts so he turned it into a real piece of aluminum oh yeah yeah and then wow that is

fucking bananas and he sharpened it yeah that is crazy wow gave it a handle oh my god and then put it at the end puts it in a package and shows chopping stuff. I mean, it must be so weak, though. I don't know. It's aluminum. Oh, he sells it? It probably might rust easily. Why would you want to buy it?

Why would you care? I want to buy it just because I'm an asshole. I want to buy an aluminum foil knife. I need it. I need it. You know, every time people come over to the house, you go, this knife is made out of aluminum foil. I have a video I want you to watch. He made a knife out of pasta?

He's just showing that he can do it. Knives out of pasta? Oh, that's great. What about the story that Chris Ryan told about the guy who made a knife out of shit? And it was a frozen shit knife to kill one of his dogs because he was like a sled dogger and he was starving to death. Wow. Yeah. Was that true or did he carve his way out of an ice hole with a shit shovel?

It's one of those. A frozen shit shovel. You're the only guy that comes with notes. You know what? I only have, I wrote, can I plug some dates? Yeah, for sure. Definitely. Okay, so I'll get through this real quick.

Tell people about your special first. Is that what it's called? I have an hour special on Netflix. It's called Act Happy. I wanted to call it Suck My Pigeon Dick, but I was the only one that was raising my hand for that. I wish I was there. I would have backed you up. It's a joke in the act.

Right, and who the hell would have not forgotten? I know, right? Right? Suck My Pigeon Dick? That's hilarious. Can I tell you something? The last time I wanted, two times, and I don't tell any stories like, you know, oh, this person. No, no.

These two things I think, and I think I would have learned my lesson because my book I wanted to call, I wanted to call my book, All I Ever Wanted to Do Was Meet a Nice Girl with a Terminal Disease. And then other stupid things I said to keep the closet door shut. I would add that as a subtitle even though I hated the word closet. That's how I tried to sell it to him because I hate closet and anything to do with any words

of that, of this, and out. So I go, okay, if I can call it all I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl. The first title was with cancer. All I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl with cancer and other other

thing other stupid things I said to keep the closet door shut because there's a story in there about me literally me and my friend you know so it does make sense and it's not mean it's not insulting cancer I think that still should have been the title of the book the problem is people are gonna see it and go oh he's just a mean guy that wants girls to die. That's the boiled down dumb version of it before they look into it. Isn't that funny? You didn't even consider that? I didn't even consider that. So they're right.

Well, you're wishing... How about terminal disease? No, you're right. It brings up a dumb guy writing a book. I want to suck my dick and then die of cancer! You know what? I'm stubborn in certain ways, but in other I want to suck my dick and then die of cancer. Oh! You know what?

Yeah. You know what? I'm stubborn in certain ways, but in other ways, all you got to do is cleanly explain something to me. Oh, yeah. They're right. I don't want to call it that. I never thought about that, for the wrong audience to see it on a shelf somewhere. I think we should all be able to change our opinions about things. I try hard to work on that. I do do too. I think it's a big thing about

being a person. Be able to look at things and not think that you are those ideas. You're a person. You're not those ideas. Just because you thought of it and you subscribed to it and you believed in it at one point in time, don't let it define you. It's just an idea. And if it's wrong,

be honest about it and say, this is why I thought it was real. And people will respect that because they'll know that when you're talking, you're saying what's really on your mind, whether you're right or whether you're wrong. You might be incorrect, but if you are incorrect, you're going to let them know you're incorrect. And you know what? The way to look at that, I think, and I remind myself every time I talk about this stuff to say, how many of the things are you doing because they're right or you just think time equals validity? Because there probably are some things that you should have been doing for the last 40 years. So let's not go issue by issue. Here's a wider scope for someone to put themselves under fair judgment.

If you're 45 years old and you haven't had – I'm just throwing out numbers. I'm okay to up or down the number, but you'll get the gist of what I'm saying. If you're 45 years old, and what are we talking about? I got high, but if you remind me, I'll go right back. I'm not exactly sure where you were going with it. Oh, shit. Marijuana. It's that goddamn spray.

Marijuana. I don't even fuck her. Nothing. Jamie, what was he talking about? Oh, no. No. We'll figure it out. Don't worry about it.

I want to do so. And then I have to plug these dates, and I want to remember that. Well, we were talking about people being nicer to each other. We're talking about your comedy special, being able to change your opinions on things. And I think it's very important to be able to just change your opinion and that you are not your ideas. Just because you believe something doesn't mean you should be locked into it. Oh, oh, I remember.

Okay. A good way to judge yourself is to go, if you're 45 years old and you haven't maybe in the last so many years changed your view on something, how about we start with that? We won't even take issue at hand. Well, what does that say? There's no way that you shouldn't be changing something. You definitely should. Right.

So if it's not, it doesn't have to be everything. But we'd say in a 10-year period, were there two things that you were adamant about? Maybe in two areas. Not everything. Sometimes you're right because you're right. But if you can honestly, not just outwardly to be right in an argument go yeah i changed my opinion but go inward no one's around be honest with yourself and then you might be able to go in the dark of your own asking yourself go fuck i guess i really haven't yeah and then be aware of it and then there starts

your change we'll be back right after this joe rogan's our guest. He'll be at the... For sure. Get these. And folks, let me just say to you, if you're in a place where Todd Glass is performing, he's one of the best stand-up comics working in America today. A very funny guy. And I do it right. I get the two-piece. Even when you're being sat, there's a two-piece. It's all right the minute

you get in there. Okay. Jazz Texas. I'm going to go to a jazz club. It's not even a comedy club. They reached out. So in April 22nd and 23rd. Where's that? It's in San Antonio. Ah. Jazz Texas. Bam. I liked it. Plus, if shit gets crazy, you're real close to Mexico.

Right. Just make a mad run across the border. You're right there. How far is it from San Antonio to Texas? I don't know. I think they could shoot each other. Did I say to Texas? I meant Mexico.

Yeah. Did I say Texas when I was telling him, too? No, the first time you said it right. Okay. If you're that close to Mexico, like, what's the closest city we have? Is it Laredo? El Paso. El Paso? El Paso's the Is it Laredo? El Paso. El Paso?

El Paso's the closest? I've been to El Paso. I heard El Paso, like bullets have hit buildings. Like the buildings in El Paso, bullets from the drug war have hit. What is that, Juarez? Is Juarez right next to El Paso? Juarez is a particularly dangerous place. I don't need to go there.

But hey, don't go there. Go see Todd Glass. Todd, where are you performing next? Okay. That's why I'm trying to do it fast. I always feel guilty about plugs. No, don't. Well, where's your website?

Todd Glass Comedy at Gmail. You don't even know what it is? Well, I think it's that. Probably Todd Glass Comedy. No, Todd Glass at Gmail. Todd Glass? No, not your email address. Your website address.

Oh, Todd. I'm not thinking very clearly right now. No worries. ToddGlass.com or something. ToddGlass.com. Maybe that's what it should say. Okay, that's what it is. Okay.

Then I'll be at the Blue Room. Blue Room in, I hate reading. The Blue Room in Springfield, Missouri. And that's the 7th through the 9th of june two more uh that's right blue room i like the pictures uh royal comedy theater in uh hopkins missouri it's uh it's the royal comedy theater this is this place is one i love it and then then it's in Hopkins. Am I saying that right? Missouri? Minnesota. Minnesota. Minnesota. Minnesota. He's going to

punch me in the face. June 21st through the 24th. And then you're at the Stir Crazy Comedy Club in Arizona. Glendale, Arizona. Come on down. Sunset Boulevard in Glendale, Arizona. Thank you. Stir Crazy in Arizona. That just now, what I just did, no lie, my heartbeat

is exhausting. Yeah, because you're funny. You don't want to do that. And also, reading it was so difficult. So hard. How do people do it? You were reading pretty good off the TV. I don't know how I did it. I was in a trance. Alright, brother. Well, that was very fun.

That was great. That was so much fun. That was very fun. ToddGlass.com. Go see him. And Netflix special out right now, Suck My Pigeon Dick. Right? Yes. Yes.

Act happy. Act happy. Don't look for Suck My Pigeon Dick. Maybe Netflix will give in. The cave. Bye. Wow.