The Joe Rogan Experience - #11 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: March 9, 2010

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

Record. Start. Broadcast. Live. Are we on the air? Yes. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm trying to figure out how we're on the air. There we go, bitches. What is this? Week 10 or some shit? How many weeks have we been doing this? It's 11. Mute your left. It's so funny because after going through all the old podcasts,

every beginning of every single podcast, I'm like, mute your laptop. You think I would know that from tuning into Art Bell. You know the Art Bell show? Yeah, we saw that. Please turn off your radio. Right. Yeah, we saw that. On ONA too.

People always call out. They get that feedback. Well, they're listening to themselves. So it's like a nonsense conversation. They want to hear themselves on the radio. They're so excited. They're like, just be in the moment. Record it with my cell phone.

Turn up that radio. Fortunately, this is very different. But yeah, I guess we want to hear ourselves broadcast. So we've got a show this weekend at the Tempe Improv. Almost sold out. Yeah, Saturday night sold out already. There's only a few tickets left for the late show. Friday night is on its way and once we get in and do press on Thursday. So if you want to come in and you want to see the show, buy us those two sandwiches, hurry!

Tempe's always fun. Because Ari Shaffir's in dead punch. And they let us drink now too. Dead punch is a pool term. Yeah, I remember. It took me a second. stroke that's a hanger cool terminology in the zone you guys keep doing this to each other's no it just started by itself I'm using on both ears you think I got it on both things I got it on this you stream window too and Brian is redoing my website and in doing so, his fucking master genius self,

he's put the Ustream actually on JoeRogan.net so if you go to the web page, there's a little corner link that says live webcam so you can see it right from there. It's going to get better. It's going to get better.

And it's on iTunes now too. You can find the official Joe Rogan podcast or is it just the Joe Rogan podcast? It's called The Joe Rogan Podcast. And it's on iTunes. Yeah. So you can get that shit.

Or if you have Zoom, you can go to your website and download the MP3s. Yeah, if you're one of those Zoom dudes who just hates Apple so much, you had to get one of the goofiest fucking devices ever. Unless it does anything better, there's no need for another one. What's Zoom? It's the Microsoft version of the iPod. And the people that prefer it, you can tell they're like super Windows heads. Really?

People that just love Windows. Because that's mad denial. Especially the old Zoom. Do you remember ever using that where it's like a fake spin wheel? It pushed it down. It was awful. It clicked up and down. It was retarded.

I guess the new one's not bad. I guess they probably couldn't use the technology, right? Didn't you say that Apple is suing people for the technology in their iPhone? Yeah, Android devices and Sprint devices, they're all fucked right now because they own, or Apple owns, like 20 of the patents that all these new cell phones are using. That's why you have a phone like the Android or the Droid, you're like, wow, it has pinch-to-zoom just like the iPhone.

Well, yeah, Apple owns all these patents, so Android might be hurting. Android, even Palm, might be hurting because their new phones are all really just pretty much stealing all of Apple's shit. Wow, that would be nuts. The only one that's not in trouble right now, I guess, is the new Windows 7 phone.

Why? They don't use the patents? They were really smart not to use the patents? They haven't. They were really smart not to use any patents. They have their own shitload of patents. You know, the problem is pinch to zoom. There's no better way to do it. There really isn't. No.

It's the shit. It's awesome. I'm sure there could be a way that you can make circle to zoom. You know? And it's square to half. It's the same. Circle? Come on, man. You want to be able to pinch it.

Yeah, but what if you wanted to zoom one part? You could just put a little circle around it. Not good, no. Zoom that. No. No? No, I want to do this. Yeah, but if I told you that five years ago, I was like, no, you could go like this.

Yeah, but once I know that I can do that, it's like when you have water in your ear and the water gets out of your ear, you're like, oh, now I can hear it. You accepted the way your ear was working when the water was in there. You're just like, I'm okay with it. Yeah, I can deal with this. But the people that still aren't on the internet they're like nah i'll just make dude mail's fine there's a fucking awesome documentary on vbstv about this dude who lives in the arctic yeah he's one of the last people that's allowed to live in the arctic and he lives like way the fuck up in the northeast part of alaska like there's no one within like hundreds of miles of him.

He doesn't have a car. He gets electricity from a generator. And he fucking shoots all his own meat, kills all his own rabbits, kills all his own caribou, has to protect his cabin, little tiny ass cabin, like the size of like a bedroom, has to protect his

cabin from wolves. Like, it's fun. Really? for bears, rather. Bears come to the cabin because he hangs his meat outside because it's never cold. They don't have a refrigerator. They don't have anything. So he hangs his fucking meat outside, and bears occasionally will come into the camp and smell it.

So he's got this dog that he leaves out that's supposed to protect the cabin and bark. So then he comes out, has to chase the bear down with a fucking shotgun, and he's doing this in the nighttime. It's night, and he can't see, and he's chasing down this fucking bear and shooting at it, it is nuts, like this guy is living in the extreme, I mean, as close, I mean, that's sort of civilized, but god damn. He can get to civilization, I guess.

Yeah, I mean, he's got a television, he's got a generator, he can get electricity, he can get to civilization, I guess. Yeah, I mean... But he's not in it. He's got a television. He's got a generator. He can get electricity. He watches DVDs that he gets shipped to him. He still has not seen even an image of the 9-11 towers falling. Really? No. He heard about it on the radio. Thought it was crazy.

But he lives up there, just him and his fucking wife, man. It's nuts. How hot is his wife? Not. She's not. Russell Peters is watching us right now. Russell Peters up in this bitch. Russell Peters is the man? She's not. Russell Peters is watching us right now. Russell Peters? Russell Peters is the man.

He's one of the nicest guys ever. How nice is Russell Peters? But he's Indian. And you have to deal with that. You can't just let it go. It's there. We're all thinking about it. No, no, no.

What? So rude. He's faking that, ladies and gentlemen. Did you see the other day Russell was hanging out with somebody cool? I forget the old hip hop rap guy from the 80's that's like

it takes two Biz Markie no something like that he was just like tweeting out he was hanging out with him the other day

like DJ quit no DJ Easy Rock I forget but I was like man that's so awesome someone in the Twitterverse knows

what is the answer to that question ladies and gentlemen you know bitches Rob Bass that's so awesome. Someone in the Twitterverse knows. What is the answer to that question, ladies and gentlemen? You know, bitches. Rob Bass, that's right! Rob Bass. Rob Bass. Yeah, he even says it in the song.

F.D. Maybe it wasn't Rob Bass. F.D. the head. Now I'm screwed, because I don't even know if that doesn't sound right. Fucking savage. Oh. What happened? It doesn't sound like the right guy. No?

Well, it doesn't matter. Who cares? We're just talking about how rough it is. Do you remember Third Bass, that old record? Third Bass? Yeah, the white guy. Yeah, what happened to those guys? I don't know. I love them. I had two albums. well it doesn't matter who cares we're just talking about how rough it is do you remember third base that old record third base yeah the white guy yeah what happened

to those guys I don't know I love them I had two albums gas face they have two albums yeah gas face

that was the DJ what the fuck is his name the white dude he was good prime minister Pete Nice that was one right Pete Nice and who was the other one

and um Gersh I don't know fuck who was his name dj google no i i'm mr pete nice and fuck come on folks rob base rob base i think it was no no no no bases the other dude yes this is and now i'm just confused we're way too didn't. Didn't he the one that had the MTV show? Which one had the MTV show? That's a good question. Was that Pete Nice or was that this dude? Yeah.

The next white rapper. No, the next white rapper. This guy just wrote DJ Boom Boom. You're just making shit up, bro. DJ Boom Boom. They know DJ Boom Boom. It's not DJ Boom Boom. I'll know the answer when I hear it.

It's DJ Sniffles, man. DJ Sniffles. No, man, that's a lie. It's DJ Sniffles. Who are the third bass is the band. Yeah. And there DJ Sniffles, man. No, man. That's a lie. It's DJ Sniffles. Who are the... Third base is the band. Yeah. And there was the white guy

with glasses. They're both white. But the big guy. Right. Prime Minister Pete and Ice and so-and-so. What was the... Anyway, the other guy.

Who the fuck is it? It's not DJ Easy Rock, you fuck. No. DJ Richie Rich. No. MC Search. MC Search!

Ozzy Trock. You're the fucking man. Yeah, Russell just told us. Oh, MC Search. Isn't that Ozzy Trot. You're the fucking man. Yeah, Russell just told us. MC Search. He just put it up today. Isn't that amazing how your brain just blows up like immediately?

Why, what's it said? Why is it so hard to remember things? I don't know. The dumb information, it's like, but then once that information,

it's weird when a memory gets awakened. When you didn't think the memory was in your head at all and then someone brings it up and all of a sudden it like like, re-blooms, comes back to life. Like, someone talks about some shit.

As you fully know it. Yeah, some shit that happened, like, when you were a kid, and you're like, oh, yeah. What the fuck? I forgot about that. And then all of a sudden, boom. And what's weird is when that happens, that opens up a lot of these little memories

that just because you remembered that one thing, then you'll start remembering, like, oh, and I remember used to listen to that guy at the grocery store. Bishop Desmond Tutu gets the gas face. I don't know how much. I don't know how much. That was in there.

MC Search was good, man. I liked that guy's flow. But it seemed like people would pick on him because he was white. And then he became a producer instead of a rapper, which I think was a huge mistake. Because I think as a rapper, he was really badass. was fucking good like i i used to love his stuff but i felt like he was almost sort of like doing it but sort of apologizing at the same time he stopped he

stopped doing it that guy should have never stopped rapping that guy was fucking good the idea that he went on to produce some records i'm sure he produced some good a lot of people do that though too yeah they move out they stop liking to perform I can appreciate that but I think with him that guy was really fucking good I really really used to enjoy his shit I'm gonna legally down both those albums tonight I'm gonna download them for fuck I'm gonna pay I'm gonna go to iTunes I'm gonna fuck new gorillas album came out today yeah did you say you didn't like it I I don't like the single. That first single is not that great. Yeah.

All I know is that one song that they did. You've heard a couple? I know, but I mean if I had to like identify one. Anyway. MC Search, please come back.

Yeah. That's what we're trying to say. MC Search. Come on, man. It ain't too late. Just fucking dust off that hat and fucking let's do this, son. Come on, man. It ain't too late. Just fucking dust off that hat and fucking let's do this, son.

Just step up and spit. Look at that song. I like rap music, man. I mean, I joke about it in my act, but I really do, man. It's fun. I love that, you know,

that they're talking shit. I like listening to people talk shit. I love that Nas song. It's like hip-hop is dead. Oh, yeah. Come on. That's my landing.

No, that's a great one, too. I like that one. Nas is a great writer, but hip-hop is dead. Oh yeah. When I go backwards. That's my landing. No, that's a great one too. Nas is a great writer. But hip hop is dead. That's my landing music. I rotate between three songs. Hip hop is dead, Tori Amos, Crucify, and Voodoo Child.

Question. What do you mean by landing music? When I land, as soon as I fucking land, when I touch down, coming to a new city, or even coming to any city. Okay, follow up question. Why do the stewardesses even coming to any city. Okay, follow-up question. Why do the stewardesses let you have your earphones on during landing? First class, they let you fuck around. Yeah, but I knew it. That's totally true. I always leave them on. They never bother me when I'm in first class.

But on the back, like, take it off. Yeah, they're Nazis in the back. You can't totally get away with it, but you can kind of play dumb. Like, what? Oh, okay, take it off. I mean, I never don't take it off. When they tell me to take it off, I take it off. You have to tell me. I'm not going to take it off on my own. And if you're sleeping, they'll never wake you up.

I will fake sleep. They're like shaking out. I'll make sure that my seat is up. Can't fuck with me for that. But, you know, I'm going to do this shit right here. And she'll just let me go. Please. I'm nice. So no one's going to crash because of my fucking head. Why do they make it turn off?

Because of radio waves? No. It's not a radio wave. It's not. It's just a big dick. I mean, they want you to turn off everything. They want you to turn off Game Boys. They say turn off your laptop too, but it's on.

I don't know what you want to tell me. It's closed. It's on. It's nonsense. It's all nonsense. The idea is some sort of electrical interference, but I think really the good idea to it is that it forces people to comply

and that's the same thing with putting the seat up. Everybody thinks it's ridiculous and I used to think it was ridiculous to force people

to put their seat up but now I think it's important because you've got to get them to fucking listen to you. It's very important. If they do get

into a tough, they don't want you to lean back or something? You're fucked. If you're going to get hurt, you're going to get hurt.

Anything that's going to hurt you is not going to hurt you any less because you're fucked. I don't know. You know, if you're going to get hurt, you're going to get hurt. You know, anything that's going to hurt you is not going to hurt you any less because you're like this than you are like this. I mean, you're going to get jacked. I guess, maybe. No, I can't see how even in the most furious turbulence

it would make a difference. I think you're fucked either way. If you're fucked, you're fucked. You're in a goddamn metal tube flying through the air. You know? I think the good thing about it is that they get you to comply.

And I think, I don't want anybody to tell me what to do. And you don't want anybody to tell you what to do. But let's be honest. We're not going to do anything fucking crazy. There's a lot of people out there that need to be told what to do. I get out of my seat. Somebody didn't tell me to. During the landing, I'm like, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to fucking fly all over the place. Yeah, I think people, there's a certain amount of people, you know, there's just too many of us. We need very clearly established rules, even if they're ridiculous. Even if it's just like, it sounds like I'm all like a conservative. It does. I'm not, I'm just an expert in retards. You know, I just know there's just so many fucking dummies out there. It's very important to have a certain amount of order to the world you know because even though you don't want that order you've worked really hard

to put yourself into a position where you don't have to have that order you know i mean look at the life you chose you went from like a very obvious you know uh you know like a regular normal person's life to being this crazy fucking comedian where you know you make your living talking shit on stage and you know you sleep till noon and I mean that right that right there is most people would never be able to figure out a way that's just too tricky it's too fucked up you know like most dumb people would never be able to figure out a way to slip through some weird path to make a career going by the way I've you're watching at work right now, we're not talking about you. No.

Yeah. Let me see. Well, you know, nobody really wants to work unless you love what you're doing. And then it's not work anymore. Yeah. And that's really the secret to life. And then everybody loves something else, man. I mean, there's a reason why there's lawyers.

There's a reason why there's a lot of dudes who love being fucking dentists, man. There's a lot of dudes who love being carpenters. Everybody's got their own thing, whatever the fuck it is. As long as you find it, then it's not really work, you know? And until then, it's going to suck.

I still get surprised sometimes on the road. I'm like, here's your check. You're like, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I know. It's like, because we do it so often for free, you know, especially in LA.

How often do you do sets for free? Always. Yeah. That's when I start, whenever people ask me, like, hey, do you so often for free, you know, especially in L.A. How many, how often do you do sets for free? Always. Yeah. That's when I start, whenever people ask me, like, hey, do you want to, like, feature for the third show or something or whatever, I'm always like, I've said no before, and then it's like, yeah, let me, can I do a guest spot? You know, once I get there. So it's like, you just put me on the lineup.

Yeah. Pay me 50 bucks. Yeah, once you're there, and you hear the laughter, you just want to go up. Yeah. There was, it was, we were in Australia. The, the, the flight fucks you up, man, because it's like a 16-hour flight. Yeah, time zones have a crazy difference, too.

Yeah, and it's like 19 hours ahead, so it's like literally you're the next day. You don't know. So I was like really delusional. Like, I didn't know. But as soon as I got to the club and I saw the people, whoo,

it's like you get that, it just sparks it up, you know? It's crazy. It's like, man, we're going to do a fucking show. We're going to have some fun. You know, it's like you just fire, it just sparks it up, you know? It's crazy. It's like, man, we're going to do a fucking show. We're going to have some fun. You know, it's like you just fire up. You just get what, I mean, people, man, I wish people in their regular jobs could feel

what we feel when you're killing, you know? I can't usually sleep for a couple hours afterwards, too. Man, you're wired. Even if I'm like dead tired before I go on. It's like. Wired afterwards. Especially when you got a new bit. Yeah.

If you have a new bit and the new bit is killing, then it just takes everything up to the next level. You know? It's crazy. Comedy is so much fucking fun. You seen House in Wonderland yet? No.

I've heard very mixed reviews. Me too. I am going to watch it at Universal CityWalk on Mushrooms when we get back from Tempe, Arizona. That sounds like the worst idea ever.

It's going to be so good there in 3D IMAX. Dude, have you not had a bad time? This is. That sounds like the worst idea ever. It's going to be so good there in 3D, IMAX. Dude, have you not had a bad trip before? No. That's why. Jesus. That's going to be

your first bad trip. Well, here's what I think about bad trips. And I think for sure you could definitely take too much of anything and have a bad trip no matter what

your state of mind is. Right. You know, I've had bad trips on pot. I've never had bad trips on anything else of mind is. I've had bad trips on pot. I've never had bad trips on anything else but pot. But I've had bad trips eating pot. I think it's the state of mind. I think it's how you approach it.

I think it's where you're at when you take it. If you're in a good place, if you're a happy person. To a point. I mean, last time I did shrooms, I started shitting and having diarrhea. And no, that changes everything because you think you're dying. Food poisoning mushrooms. You need somebody to get into an accident across the street from you think you're dying food poisoning mushrooms you need somebody to get into an accident across the street from you

are you doing that psychedelia show next time sure if I can April 18th if you haven't seen it or heard about it Ari Shafir is doing if you live in LA he's doing this psychedelic show when was the last date

last date was in February. You got some clips on your website, right? Yeah, don't look at it yet. I gotta make them

better. Well, so the idea of the show is most comedians that we know, at least the most funny ones,

have had a few psychedelic experiences and a lot of them had really funny stories to go with them and so they're all talking about it in front of a crowd. It should be kind of cool. Yeah funny stories to go with them. And so, they're all talking about it, you know,

in front of a crowd. It should be kind of cool. Yeah, they're just fun stories. My only problem is anything interesting I've ever learned, I've already told.

I don't know. Like a hundred fucking times. Right. You know? I mean, I always get asked. That's why we have to do a new drug experience for you.

Uh-oh. Peyote and Tempe this weekend. That's the place to do it, right? Right. We'll find some coyote spirits in us and shit. Peyote and Tempe this weekend. That's the place to do it, right? We'll find some coyote spirits in us and shit. Peyote. Yeah, some guy, Dylan Birdie, told a peyote story. Peyote's supposed to be incredible. Synthetic peyote.

My friend Matt was in New York and he took it and he said he could hear people talking in a building across the street. Way over there. He said there was a glass window and he goes, I can hear them talking. Meanwhile, it's probably just like a cell phone going off. straight way over there he said there's a glass window and he goes i can hear them talking meanwhile it's probably just like a cell phone going off i mean i think i think there's there's there's weight ways we can perceive things other than the standard way when i'm drunk i can hear

things further away but like i can center it like in a bar where i can normally hear nothing i can sit on one person talking really yeah i don't know why when you're drunk yeah but people around me it's all like but then i just see them and I hear what they're saying so you think it's you like your liver I don't know what I think your liver is what makes wheat so fucked up when you eat it that's when it produces that shit it's called 11 hydroxy metabolite apparently it's it's um it produces that shit. It's called 11-hydroxymetabolite. Apparently it's present in smoking it, when you smoke it it's present, but it's not like at psychoactive levels. But when you eat it, it's processed by your body and it produces this fucking insane chemical that's like four times more psychoactive than THC. That's why

when you eat pot, it's so like, whoa. Remember those brownies or cookies that somebody gave us in Chicago? Holy shit. Even fucking Joey Diaz freaked out on them. Joey Diaz said he had a mild heart attack. That was the first time? Well, no, it wasn't. But it was the first time I realized. We're all still high the next day, and you wake up, you're just kind of like shuffling your feet.

It feels sort of weird, like you're still tired until it hits you. But you're too high to think it out, so you're just kind of like shuffling your feet feel sort of weird like you're still tired yeah until it hits you but you're not hot you're too high to like think it out so you're like i was so hot i re-evaluated my entire life that night i really did i made some life-changing decisions that night i was so fucking gone i literally i mean it was very very similar to taking mushrooms very similar just just as intense and just going to a different place it was like wow this is strong and you know how i knew it was really really really strong is when i laid in the bed and i closed my eyes and the fucking hallucinations were insane it was all yeah it was all these like these cartoon characters fucking each other and and becoming different things and fucking each other and becoming different things and fucking each other and becoming different things it was fucking each other and becoming different things.

And fucking each other and becoming different things. It was insane. And they were like, the cartoon characters were like a glowing, almost like a neon. They had like a glowing neon quality to them. Like they looked like someone drew them, but then there was like a glowing neon like center to them. It was fucking insane. It went on for like a half an hour.

I was like, holy shit. This is just from eating weed. Last time I ate mushrooms, when I was getting sick and stuff, then I resorted to bed. And it was weird because it went into like stages of like, first I was shaking really fast. Then I went into like a sweaty. And then I got into like a thing that felt like I was going inside out or something. And it was like seven things, but it was in a cycle. Like it kept on doing it. Like I'm like, all right, next is coming to shake, right?

Oh yeah. Here comes the shake and stuff like that. And then I was like, oh wait, it's like seasons of the earth, man. How many did you go through? Probably about 150 of those things. And each one. Yeah. I mean, that's how bad my last mushroom trip was.

And it was like, it was sick mixed with thinking I was some kind of season how much did you take about an eighth or half an eighth 75% of an eighth or something like that Wow what is an eighth how many how many it's like it's usually people do half and maybe later I'd say three point five four six or something right they say the real big dose is like 5 5 grams 5 grams

see you talk to some people and they're just like no dude you gotta smoke 7 joints kind of people a lot of people

think to get the most out of pot the way to really do it right is to not smoke pot for a long time and then blow it the fuck out

just get high as a kite and then you have i haven't smoked the last couple days and i'm just gone yeah but have you heard of people a couple days you stoner we're talking about like taking a month off i was like i haven't smoked in at least 28 hours have you ever talked to those guys that like i don't trip on one hit of ass that trip on 10 man you know there are definitely some dudes well i don't know man but don't you think that we all have different chemical structures yeah but it's like they're all there I bet you they didn't

even try the one dose thing they're just no I like to have five pizzas man have you ever met a dude who just can't drink I knew especially back in Boston I knew a lot of guys that they would drink and then all I mean one drink and they were gone yeah they just didn't exist right a sudden, I mean, one drink and they were gone. Yeah. They just didn't exist. Right. A girl I went out with once, one drink, she would go one drink in and then all of a sudden she'd be throwing glasses and yelling shit and swearing at people.

Yeah, she's the same way to somebody who can completely handle it. It was nuts. It was nuts. I mean, it was one fucking drink and she would be gone. One? One drink. It was like she was allergic to alcohol or something it was something weird and she was completely crazy there was one girl I knew that a Jewish girl she's friends on Facebook she might

be watching so I won't say her name but first time she smoked weed I'm fucking religion man huh oh she's Jewish because I want you guys to at least have a chance to find out who she is. Just tell me. He's going to be going to a crime scene. He's giving clues. It's a hilarious story. Okay, so it's just a hint. Alright, so she smoked weed at my house. She's like, I'm not good with weed, whatever. She smoked one bong hit.

She stood up, ran full speed into my bathroom, hit the bathtub, and just flew in the bathtub and smashed her face in the bathtub and i'm like what she think did she think god she just was like i just had to run oh my god that was like one hit that we did i'm like holy shit there's something weird in her whatever dna that snapped immediately you know we also don't realize how strong this fucking weed is. Right.

This is Ohio shit weed, that's it. Really? Yeah, this is in Ohio. Damn. Wow. She just had that reaction. Maybe she's just a freak.

How bad was Ohio's weed compared to California's weed? Oh, it was Mexican brick weed where it's compressed where at least you're like, I don't have much weed left but that one brick you're just like pulling out tons and tons of shit.

That was a long time ago, right? Yeah. Maybe it's gotten better. In Ohio? It probably got cut up in California. Yeah, I'm sure out tons of shit that was a long time ago right maybe it's gotten better in Ohio probably got it from California yeah I'm sure it's better

I was also a broker back then so it's probably always existed it's you know the people that get arrested for like drugs why is it they're always speeding you know what the fuck is that

you have a life sentence in your car why don't you just slow down they're always doing something stupid like they're always talking on the phone without using a headset

and they get pulled over for that and all of a sudden the cop's like why do I smell weed? And then you pop the trunk and he's got a fucking giant brick of weed in the back. Or you're parked on the side of the road with your door open and a girl is sitting on your lap. And you're like, okay, why do you have a gun in the backseat of your car? Why are you so nervous? Why are you sweating? What is it about these fucking trucks

that get busted and they have like a hundred million dollars worth of weed in them? You know, like giant fucking semis. Like how crazy is that? That's like a gamble. Let's take a chance. Fuck it. How many do you think of those get through?

Dude, I bet a lot. They must get through. I bet 90% of them get through. They busted one of them in Arizona because the guy had a UPS truck. It was a UPS truck. Stolen? No, it wasn't real. It was a forged, a a UPS truck. It was a UPS truck. Stolen? No, it wasn't real. It was a forged, a fake UPS truck. They made a UPS truck with fake numbers. Wow. They just

took the numbers from one of the other UPS trucks, they wrote it down, they recreated a fucking UPS truck. Brilliant. Yeah, brilliant. And why did they get the door open? Because the cops ran the fucking number that was on it. They were speeding or doing something. The cops ran the number that was on it and it turns out it was the wrong truck. They're like, no, we're in Michigan. It didn't match. For whatever reason. So they decided to pull him over. So they pulled this guy over and he's got a giant fucking truckload of weed. I mean, they just decided to pretend that they were delivering. We're for UPS. They figured nobody would check it. They probably got away with it a fuckload of times. And

then one guy just got a little careless and started driving fast and he got busted. You always get complacent. You get away with it a few times, you get totally normal. And you feel like, I'm not going to get caught.

Yeah. You know? I mean, that's what, and that becomes part of the thrill of it too, I think, for people,

there's a lot of people that are addicted to crime and they think that crime, like selling weed or doing anything illegal where you, you know, you don't really even pay taxes on it there's a fucking a wild outlaw thrill to that shit you know some people love living like that but those motherfuckers you can't be around them

they're gonna blow up like that shit is not gonna last like you're you're not you're not playing by society's rules when you're running around selling drugs i like to get drugs and i think it's awesome that you're doing that but i don't want to be around you because if you're the around selling drugs, I like to get drugs, and I think it's awesome that you're doing that. But I don't want to be around you, because if you're the guy who's making his life off of selling, you know, if you're making your life off selling cocaine, like, you might be fucking crazy. Yeah. You know, you might just be a reckless, wild motherfucker. That's a dangerous thing. I mean, how many people get rich and retire off of cocaine?

I don't know any. None went to our synagogue. There's a few there's a few that you hear about in cocaine cowboys really Griselda she's still alive cocaine kind of boys too she got out like retired kind out of the ship there to Bogota she killed like 200 people oh really yeah she made hundreds of millions of dollars she was like the to kill 200 people yeah yeah an overdose sir like directly responsible for like kill 200 people? Oh, yeah, yeah. In overdoses or like... Directly responsible for like 200 people dying.

Off her coke? Brian, what are you doing? Somebody asked what I was drinking. I was putting it up because it was quick. Oh. Weirdos. It's good. It tastes like beer almost.

Oh, that's kombucha. I thought it was beer. Yeah. That would be weird. Micro-broof. No, I guess it's not weird. No, it wouldn't really be that weird. Anyway, this Griselda chick stole a lot. They took pictures of her in Bogota, Colombia. So she got out of jail. Micro-brief. No, I guess it's not weird. No, it wouldn't really be that weird. Anyway, this Griselda chick stole a lot.

They took pictures of her in Bogota, Colombia. So she got out of jail. They deported her. And now she's fucking running around Colombia. Man. And she's rich as fuck. She's like incredibly, incredibly rich and ruthless. Cocaine Cowboys is fucking incredible.

I never saw it. Oh my God, you have to watch it. It's one of the greatest documentaries ever. And then Cocaine Cowboys 2 is even better. Cocaine Cowboys 2 is just fucking nuts, man. I mean, it tells you, it just shows you how nutty Miami was in the 1980s when cocaine was coming through there. I mean, it just changed the fucking face of the city. That city was built on cocaine.

The cops, there were so many corrupt cops that one year the entire graduating group in the police academy, the entire graduating group, all of them either wound up dead or locked up in jail. Really? Yep.

All of them. I hate Miami so much. Oh my God. It's so crazy and that's why I'm so crazy. It's one of my least favorite cities. It's the coke.

It's a cocaine flavored city. There's a lot of cool people in Miami, man. I had a show there recently. I did the Lincoln Theater. It was fucking awesome, man. It was really awesome. Everybody was super cool. The show was nice.

But fuck, man. That improv. That improv's the worst improv. The worst comedy club I've ever been to. Ever. That Miami improv made me stop going to Miami. Yeah. It was so bad.

They would just yell out shit. Nobody gave a fuck. It was just like... 30 tables just screaming at... We're talking. You shut up. What? A giant room full of cokeheads.

I mean, just a room full of cokeheads. We're not even lying about this. Like, if we had 200 people in the crowd, how many people do you think were cokeheads? If we had how many? 200. I'd say 80. I'd say 80 were on coke. 80 were on coke. Yeah another 40 doesn't have any on them. That's not bullshit and the 40 that didn't have it on them they might get shitty because they're coming down. Yeah. I mean really it was

fucking crazy. That place was crazy. And Cuban Cuban coked up. And that place is one of the one places where I've never heard a headliner get more sabotaged When they decided to put Kevin mania after Joey Diaz you're talking Cuban and coke head That's what I mean. Oh, yeah The audience is Cuban right the audience does does you know coke and Joey it has like an hour of coke material He could go on and on the best is watching him and the way he says it's so funny so you'll say you kind of giggle like oh that sounds funny and then you'll see somebody just die laughing you're like oh you know about this shit he says shit that

i don't even know because i've never done coke but it's funny just two times a lady on a thursday you know you know i'm like i don't know but if he if he does that to a room full of cokeheads, oh my God, Joey used to destroy that place. He used to level that motherfucker. He was on stage once, and he was spitting, and sweat was flying off of him, and he was telling jokes about him being in one window. They're both on coke, him and his cat,

and he's in one window, and the cat's in the other one, and they're fucking looking out for police. I don't think I've ever laughed any harder. I don't think I've ever laughed any harder. And Joey, so Joey's leveling these audiences with this kind of material, and Kevin Meaney went up after him, and Kevin Meaney, this was before Kevin Meaney came out of the closet, so Kevin Meaney was doing like, he used to do We Are The World, like We Are the World tribute thing, like a whole song that was like his closing bit. But this was like decades after that We Are the World.

Nobody remembered that anymore. And these 20-year-old people in the audience had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. And this is after Joey goes up. They're like, shut up. Yeah, and they're animals. And this is after Joey goes up, and Joey's just leveling the place.

I mean, it hurts you to watch. It hurt you to watch. That's one of the worst, like, scheduling of comics ever. They do that all the time. Like, especially, like... Why, just to punish him? No. People, like...

He's not smart. If a comic wants too much money, sometimes they'll do that. You know, like... Or some people don't think a guy's that good. Like, some club owners are really fucking stupid. Oh, they'll be like, oh, Joey Diaz, he's just fine. What I heard was, the one who I heard got fucked with the most was Mitch Hedberg. Mitch Hedberg got fucked with a bunch of times

where they would put on these singing black guys before him, and these guys would destroy with really dumb hack shit. And then Mitch Hedberg would go up with this really weird, unique act that on paper isn't even funny. He's got some really great stuff. An interesting way of delivering. But it's very much you have to set it up correctly. You can't

have some guy going up singing and dancing and having the whole audience clap along. And then Hedberg, who just basically stands there and you know, double G hotel. You know, like, he's got, like, all these weird jokes that are, like, they're just so, you know, so uniquely him.

But you've got to set it up right, you know. And that's a part of comedy. Like, people go, oh, that guy can't follow that guy. It doesn't mean that that guy's not good. It means that their acts aren't compatible. A lot of people don't have a harder time following the other people. But those people will have a harder time following people that I don't have, you know, no problem following.

It's just certain styles. There's a lot. I mean, if a guy's like really super cerebral and really wordy and doesn't swear and is really, you know, and you go up and you want to talk about getting your dick sucked, you know, people are like, whoa, what the fuck? Yeah. Even when Brett Ernst for some reason and Capanera were killing, I would always do well. I don't know why. Yeah. When other people are killing, then I have Capanera were killing, I would always do well. I don't know why.

Yeah. When other people are killing, then I have trouble. And it's like, I don't... Yeah. It's their styles. Yeah. Joey used to have... His jinx used to be A.J. Jamal.

Really? You remember how good A.J. was? Yeah, he was great. Oh, he was amazing. He had incredible timing. A.J. Jamal was such a pro, man. He just... His timing was just so perfect.

You could hear the same jokes ten times in a row and he still would and for whatever reason i think that just got inside joey's head because joey wasn't that kind of a guy he wasn't like a technician like aj jamal just had that perfect timing yeah and it just the way he would do it like you would just be recovering from the last joke and then the next one would hit you but it would hit you the right time like why are you still appreciating that joke and then another one hits you and he just would hit you with these waves and jelly was just a you know sort of like a stream of consciousness guy he would just go up he had a couple ideas of some jokes he would talk about but he wanted to just fuck around he wanted to like

find find the material on stage I think it bothered him that this guy was like so so like yeah rigid and they used to bother me a lot too when i if a guy was like a really strong act it was really strong and well done it would make me insecure i would say fuck what is mine that good i mean i'm not doing what he's doing i have trouble following somebody does real real well with crowd work then it's like because then that's my my pull-out move is to do some power but then it's like wow because then that's my pull-out move, is to do some crowd work, but then it's like, wow, he just did it already, he did it better than you, so now my one cheat move is fucking taken away from me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that crowd move is a good move if you get in a, if you got a position

to go to it, you know, like you used to have, I don't want to say the joke, but, you know, there's one that you do where, you know, you talk to a chick in the audience and it always just, it just, blam, you know, you, I always audience and it's just, bam! I always wait for it. When you start talking about that and then I go, here it comes. If you're ever in a tricky situation, you bust that one up. That's just a guaranteed crack in the face. Those are nice.

It's really no different than any other kind of joke. You're recreating the moment. You're saying it all like you're thinking it right there and then. But a lot of it is shit you've said many, many times before. You just gotta keep it

as organic as possible. Yeah, I like doing it with Crowley too because it sets my mouth and my cadence to be like, this is me real talk

and like, what's up, so nice jacket, I like that shit. Yeah, that's smart, yeah. And then if my jokes

sound, and then I went to the store, you'll never guess what it sounds like. It sounds gross. Yeah, it does. When does it ever sound

grosser than when you're in a tiny little audience? Yeah. When you're in a tiny audience, like three people, you see all the problems with your material. Tiny audiences are really good to do. Because when you perform in front of three people, it's so uncomfortable that you're making this person talk to you. The illusion of a crowd is just gone. It's just like, what are we doing? I performed for two

ones two people at danger fields in new york city and uh it was one of the it's the weirdest feeling but you may it makes you snip out the fat in your jokes it makes you get to the point quicker you you respect their attention span more because it's more ridiculous for you to require them to listen to you but you also can't pretend like you're doing a pause that might be set in there theatrically in a good way yeah i can't even do it now it's not even a bad thing i just this seems really fucking weird fucking fake you find out what the fake shit is you can do a pause if you're really thinking that way right you know if you're like you know if there's a moment you're at where you're like what the fuck like what is it really what is that there

is a real moment there's a real opportunity for a moment there, but it has to be real. I think very often we write stuff and we write it and we say it in a way we just know it's going to kill.

You know, and it's not necessarily the way you would say it in front of a small group of people. It's good to clean your act up with that shit. It's good to do shows

where people aren't impressed too. Like, that's why it's good to do those improv shows, like those Wednesday night shows. They don't know you're going to be there. They don't know you're going to be there.

They're not your fans. They don't come to see you. They come to see any kind of comedy. And they just saw 10 guys that have been on television. That guy from Comedy Juice just wrote me yesterday. And he was like, Hey, Ari, we'd love to have you come back. And I did it before. And I was like, Oh, cool. I did it once. And the guy who booked it left.

So I've been looking to see if he'll get in contact with you. And he was like, yeah, anytime you want. Next week, the week after, the week after that. And I was like, how about the week after that? This is Ari. And he goes, oh,

now how about April? And I'm like, you thought it was Aries Spears, didn't you? And he was like, yeah, I did. I think it auto-completed on whatever. And I was like, it's fine, man.

That happens. It's not the first time. That is hilarious. You know, the webcam's on, guys. Oh. Look at it. Don't fucking shout, guys. Oh. Look at it. Don't fucking shout, man. Tell me a little story.

We don't have to stare at people. You guys have my manager call. You know, the guy that no one else knows ever. Except you two. I thought that was a good story, man. I'm fucking baked. He wanted to go to Comedy Juice. Comedy Juice is...

It all related, man. Comedy Juice is the local show. Wednesday nights. Wednesday nights at the Improv. Really good show. And there's always like, you know, famous people. Louis C.K. will stop by. Mark Marrow will stop by.

All these good guys will stop by. So it's a good place to perform. But it's good to do like little tiny shitholes too, right? It's good to do like bars and dives. You know what's great is that little room next to the Improv. You know, there's the big Improv. But there's that little tiny ass room. That's where we're doing the What's It Called show.

The what show? The Psychedelic show. No, no, no. I mean in Tempe. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. You know that one? Yeah. That was the shit. Did you go up in there? No, I've never been up there. Just watched. Just watched. Todd Glass goes and just does that room. You know? It's a fucking sweet room, man. Yeah. I mean, it's one of the sweetest rooms in the country.

It's connected to one of the biggest rooms in the country. The whole thing's, it's like a comedy complex. It's amazing that Tempe has so much comedy, you know? It's also the biggest improv to begin with. Is it? Oh, Chicago might be bigger now. It's like that San Jose. Oh, San Jose, San Jose, yeah.

You guys are both crazy. Listen to me. West Palm is bigger than all. Oh, they redid it now, right? West Palm is huge. It's like 700 people. It's fucking insane. You walk in there, and you're like, what? Like, it's so big. What does San Jose have? Let's see, people. It's fucking insane. You walk in and you're like, what?

It's so big. What does San Jose have? Let's see, like 500 maybe? 450. 480, something like that. This place is 700 people, something like that. At least 650. But apparently, it's hard to fucking fill, man. Bruce Bruce and Gabriel Iglesias every other week. Yeah.

Did you guys see that Cubs-Muncia fight on his Twitter the other day he had with some guy that was making fun of him or something let that poor fuck go what happened it's just

it's very crazy how this guy got to him pretty what did he say to him the guy just started shitting on him I own you

I bet you spend more time on me than any other comedians you actually like I own you I'm the punisher anytime you try to publicly show somebody up online you're like you're not. I own you. I'm the punisher. Any time you try to publicly show

somebody up online, you're like, you're not showing them up. You're just, it's just, both of you guys are just idiots. You can't ever

hear a response. I did that before. You feel like an idiot afterwards. Why did I waste my time doing this? Like, there's sometimes

when you read something, someone will say something douchey, and you're like, I can just crush this idiot right now. And then I was like, what am I doing?

Like, why am I answering? Like, I could just crush this idiot right now. And then I was like, what am I doing? Why am I entering into... Like, people are just drawing into some silly fight. Like, why do you care? I saw someone on Twitter talk about that, and they said to Marin, and they said, it's like the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded. Yeah, that's like a picture of that. You know what would be really funny?

Inspirational pictures. It would be really funny if somebody filmed somebody have, like, this online war with somebody, and just have them going back You know what would be really funny? Inspirational pictures. What would be really funny is to film somebody film somebody have like this online war with somebody and just have them going back and forth and it became so dangerous

and you go to fight them and it's like a four year old. Well that's all it is usually. Like who are they? Well me, I was a kid who was 20. That kid from Ohio. Remember?

We brought him to the show. He turned out to be just a kid fucking around. I mean he was a nice guy. Imagine if the kid I even talked to him on the Jimmy Fallon. You can't tell tone, too. This guy, he and I had a MySpace battle. It was really ridiculous.

It got put on some websites. He and I went back and forth, even in the emails. He said, all right, you win. He said, if I ever meet you I would be happy to shake your hand I said I'd shake your hand too dude it's all just fun right

and he goes yeah he goes well it's nice talking to you it ended like okay you know I mean it was like really weird

it was like you know sometimes you talk shit to people and you don't really mean what you're saying but it's like you've entered into like a little contest

like you want to talk stupid you want to say some dumb shit well I'm going to say some dumb shit to you it's the only way you can show somebody up too the best of people that think just insulting your mother will do the trick. Oh, come on.

Like, I fucked your mom three times this week. Ha-ha, boom, pwned. But for comics and for us, that's a fun exercise sometimes. That's the problem. It's like when people know that you do this, like, they get mad at you. Like, what an asshole. You know, he's calling this guy a loser. Maybe you're a fucking loser.

We think you're a fucking badass because you're on TV. But, no, I'm just practicing dealing with douchebags. It's like they're like online hecklers It's like the same thing as a heckler in an audience. It's really the same thing. He's breaking them down for a comic That's fun sometimes. Yeah We should I don't do it online. I don't do it online anymore. I used to it's just so stupid It's like you're you're you're deciding to get upset and to enter into this little competition with someone who you don't know who chooses to interact with you that way. That's the way they choose to interact with you. They choose to attack you.

And you're just going to submit to that and start going back and forth? And that's ridiculous. They win right away. This is part of being in the public eye. Part of being an entertainer you're going to get people that want to hate you yeah normal as soon as I start soon as you get back at all you're like maybe I'll show them up you won't no matter what you do energy that's what it is it's a waste of energy

unless you can do it and you're just having fun and it's good natured and you know and you do it just for shits and giggles as long as it's good natured but if you're really getting upset. And you're really trying to hurt their feelings. My rule is too. If you just want to show them that they're in their ways. You never will. They'll never see it.

They'll think that they showed you up. You don't think you showed them. Some people. It's so rare for like a reflective moment. You're like you know what. Yeah but you never know man. You might be able to with no aggression. Like you might be able to show someone.

Like just in a very calm way. It's just very hard. It's very hard for them to accept it. But the occasional person will accept it. Occasional person who's just confused.

A lot of people, man, the reason why they lash out is because really they just want someone to love them. No one loves them. You know, and this is a lot of fucking humans

out there, man. There's a lot of people that they live these terrible fucking lives. I don't know who it was. I think it was some fucking famous guy. Ralph, was it Emerson? I don't remember

who it was. This quote. Oh, fuck. What was it? God damn it. I'm too high. Taylor got into a, somebody yelled at him in the supermarket parking lot because he was going in the wrong way. Somebody goes,

you know, I got into an accident once that way. And he goes, yeah, I bet you got into an accident when somebody was going the right way.

Like, what does that mean? It doesn't prove anything. God damn it, I forgot the quote. What was it? What was it about? I don't remember.

Too much weed. Alright, Tempe, Arizona, this weekend. Hey, Mike, you're going to the chat and there's been a lot of good questions. What are the questions? Like, uh... Give us one, Brian. Send it out loud.

Stop talking about comedy. That's not a question, really. I don't know how far you got in school. Listen, nobody can tell us what to talk about. What are the other questions? More of a question form. Dude, you know about stand-up comedy. Listen, you don't have to watch it, folks.

Because you're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. You're going to watch it. What are the other questions? More of a question form. Dude, enough about stand-up comedy.

Listen, you don't have to watch it, folks, if you're not enjoying it. You just fucking do your own thing. I gave up on the Oscars when In the Bedroom

lost to that fucking terrible mind or whatever, the split personality guy. Right, the Hurt Locker won more than Avatar and that just hurts my soul because I know, Joe, you like the Hurt Locker won more than Avatar and that just hurts

my soul because I know Joe you like the Hurt Locker but I just it hurts me why because the special effects

didn't win the prizes it was just a boring ass fucking movie and I just can't understand why everyone thinks it's like the next awesome thing

what I understand is why people care if the movie they like or don't like wins some fucking award well because then there's a movie like Avatar that's just

like something brand new like I've never seen this before. I've never experienced anything like this before. Brian, did you get Avatar depression when you found out it wasn't real?

No, but there's a whole thing with that. People miss that role because it's like a form of depression. I think you got Avatar depression. No, no, no.

I've only seen it once, mister. You saw it three times. I've seen it once. Three times? Three times? Loved it. I'm just saying. You and I saw it together, right? Yeah. I've seen it once. I saw it three times. Three times? Loved it. I'm just saying. You and I saw it together, right?

Yeah. I love the story. It's fun, man. It was a fun-ass movie. It was like a goddamn comic book. Like, go in and see a comic book. My thing's really funny. Everybody's like, oh, man.

It's just like the Pocahontas. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I don't care. I like stories that wrap up nice and neat. Whenever people said the shit story, I was like, no, no, you're right, when they pointed out details. But yeah, that took me out of it a little bit, but whatever, it's fine.

I think the reason I care is because it seems like, okay, you saw the same movie I saw, and yet you think that was enough to be amazing to win the best award. So it's weird, because I think I'm on a wavelength with people's intelligence and how they're thinking, and that just blows it out of the water. There was a million movies better than Hurt Locker, I think I'm on a wavelength with people's intelligence and how they're thinking. It's not intelligence. And that just blows it out of the water. There was a million movies better than Hurt Locker, I think. I liked the Hurt Locker, man.

I thought it was pretty good. Best movie of the year? You know what I didn't like? No, no. I thought it was a unique movie. I thought it was... I don't... I think probably because of the fact

that we're in this middle of this unpopular war and it was very controversial films. They made a point. It was actually art. They made a point. I think so. Pointless war.

Yeah. But pointless you know but you know it's not resolution that's one of the reasons why it got extra special treatment I mean I think if this was done well who knows

it could be done during a year where there's no war we reflect on how we don't have war anymore yeah they've been war movies all the time but

I thought it was pretty good man I really liked it I watched it granted while being held captive on a plane you know I couldn't go anywhere I was You know, I couldn't go anywhere. I was in my seat. I couldn't go anywhere.

And so I enjoyed it. I was actually looking forward to it because I heard a lot of people said good things about it. I thought it was pretty good. It was interesting. I didn't know too much about it, so that was good. I didn't know any spoilers. It captivated me the whole way. That movie took place four years ago.

All right? The scene of that movie. But yet at the beginning of it, he's playing Xbox 360. Fucking fun fact right there. You are such a creep. You are such a god damn creep. I read that last night. Oh, you fucking cat.

My first commercial, I did with that guy, Jeremy Renner. Knocked out my cord. What's that? The store that was in my first commercial. Oh, really? Well, that's interesting, man.

So did you read about this online or did you figure it out yourself? Easter egg? No, the Xbox 360. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Well, that's interesting, man. So did you read about this online or did you figure it out yourself? What? Easter egg? No, the Xbox 360. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a movie nerd like that. I like reading mistakes

that people do. Did you say it was the date? You read it or you knew? I read it. I read it. Did it say the date of the movie? I guess so, yeah. It was on Kotaku

or something like that yesterday. I thought it was great. Did you see it? It was great. You thought it was great, too? Uh-huh. Yeah. What the fuck, Art?

So you guys didn't sit there and go, wow, I just watched one really slow mission. Yes, there was great. Did you see it? It was great. You thought it was great too? Yeah. What the fuck, Art? So you guys didn't sit there and go, wow, I just watched one really slow mission. Yes, there was that. I would have liked a little more crazy action. Yeah, but you never knew what the fuck was happening. It wouldn't be exciting if you saw it two times. But the first time, you did not fucking know that guy was not going to blow up.

And it was very scary. There was a part in the beginning of the movie when that guy blows up. Spoilers. There's a lot of shit that's happening see i never felt the the tension attention when you i understand what you're saying i understand what you're saying you know attention no it didn't work next to them we're getting jacked i understand what you're saying there were a couple times we did feel attention but but a lot of it was slow it was

fucking slow i understand that the tension hurts i guess what didn't work they failed on the tension for me i guess well in your eyes i wasn't stoned they succeeded you don't have to be i wasn't either maybe i was too sober i wasn't i was totally sober i was in bed going oh my god i mean i was at the movie theater yeah yeah yeah movie theater i didn't see anything that's maybe that's the problem man getting the shit copy it was a blu-ray cop Rick I mean it was at the IMAX theater in 3d the fuck Brian what are you great at the RI a busted down your doors and took you out of here yeah you don't have anything no just no everything gigs about that man do you think we're getting really close to the point where you can just

download shit and put it directly on your TV in super high quality in real time we're there but I mean like I've heard about it

people doing it easily with Mac minis and stuff like that I know people how are they going to make money with movies I don't fucking care

people are still going to the movies right sure I don't care it'd be nice if everyone else does except me people still

go to the movies yeah it's a nice experience too 3D was there any copies of Avatar online anywhere

yeah but a lot of people still went to see that that's the whole thing I mean there's movies that you will download like stupid comedies and you're just like

I'm not paying to see that I'll fucking download that dude Sony has a new TV coming out that's a 3D TV that I tried out at the mall

it comes out this summer right dude it's fucking crazy right you put goggles on they have a battery Sony has a new TV coming out that's a 3D TV that I tried out at the mall. It comes out this summer. Right. Dude, it's fucking crazy. Right. You put goggles on, they have a battery, you press a button

and these guys are playing soccer and the ball is just flying at your face. Oh, it's just goggles? Yeah. It's not a TV. The TV's wacky. My TV does that right now.

If you don't have the goggles on, you look at it, you're like, where the fuck is that? Oh, so you look at it through the camera. My TV does that right now. It's capable.

Samsung, you hook up a computer to it and it renders anything in 3D into the good 3D, just like that. So when Navidot comes out on 3D, you can do that too? Yeah, yeah. If I wanted to, but I'm not going to buy those goggles and shit like that. So how much programming is it? If you watch The Office, is that coming in 3D? That's a good question.

I don't know. That would be crazy. I don't think the 3D is going to catch on. They have to have the program, right? Why not? Because you know how many people, you might think it's cool, but you know how many people are like, you know what, I'm going to buy a whole new TV just so I can have this 3D. Right.

No, no, no. Especially after they just made us all buy new ones anyway. Look, HDTV took a long time. Blu-rays barely still kept holding on. That's true. That's true. Because regular TV still looks pretty fucking badass. And people go, how much better is it really?

You really need to pay $35 instead of $20? No. In this economy, you pay $20 and you get the regular one you know you give a shit and honestly 3d to me man I like even when I go to the IMAX movie theaters I'm still kind of like you know what I don't know if I like this yet you know like it's kind of cool but you need to just go ahead and suck some cock I just go do it just go run it's just Francisco it's there it's getting better and better on to wherever the hardest cock you think it's San Francisco. It's getting better and better. Run to wherever the hardest cock you think is going to be waiting. It's getting better and better and better, but you still feel like you're looking through something.

It still hasn't gotten to the point where I'm like, I'm in a 3D world. I completely disagree. I go to that movie theater, and it doesn't feel perfect, but I put those glasses on, and I watch those dudes in Avatar floating inside that room. I was like, holy shit, this is awesome. That movie is an event. It's not just a movie. It's not just you go in and watch a bunch of shit happen. The thing that's great about Avatar, it's like a goddamn

comic book ride. It's like a ride, like a super ride at Universal CityWalk. That's one of the things I said about it. Like the acting is kind of clunky. All right. Sigourney Weaver sounds like she's like nailing it in a bunch of times. She gave it up. Yeah, she gave it the fuck up. Like, come on, guys. Are we serious here? Where's my cigarette? It's like, whoa.

It seemed like the kind of acting that you see in those rides at Universal CityWalk. Like, right before you go on the ride, they make you watch some Back to the Future clip where they explain what happened. We're in a bad situation, guys. We've got to get through the tunnel quickly before the nuclear bomb explodes. There's not much time. Please, in an orderly fashion, hurry up and get into your chair. My popcorn!

Yeah, exactly. Okay, but tell me it wasn't lame when they said, when all the other armies came out to fight them, and people were like, oh, we got all the other armies to come out. And you're like, what? Where were they the whole time? I never even heard about them. They're right over there! What?

Why didn't you just get them earlier? Yeah, like, what are you guys doing? In order for it to really work, all these places that bought their HD cameras now have to buy 3D cameras. Like, all these shows have to be filmed a different way. Right, but that's going to happen,

Brian, because they used to have to do black and white. That's what they did. They did black and white, they went from black and white to color, they went from color to HD. They're going to go. Why wouldn't it have happened already? Because it's all technology that's advancing. 3D has been huge. I bet before it's 3D, I bet before it's 3D, they're going to skip to the next technology.

It's never been that interesting. During the black and white early color years of television, when you first saw 3D, you probably thought, this is a breakthrough. You're talking to someone who saw jaws 3d right theater yeah you guys should have boring it's still sweet when that shark comes at you like it's so dumb but back then you also thought video games were like this that were like amazing right well that's why things improve and technology advances that's why 3d is highly come into its own. I just think that 3D would have been popular in the past. Right, it wasn't good.

There's no way you guys are going to settle this. It's much better. It's the opposite. I think eventually it's the future. For sure. Movies are way more exciting when they're in 3D. Way more interesting. It's more layered.

I heard Alice in Wonderland is the shit. I heard the visuals are incredible. That's wrong. Did you read the article on Engadget? No. This guy totally puts a detailed review of why it sucks in 3D. It makes so much sense. Really?

The director used layers in the movie in certain ways to give an effect of depth. Right. And then 3D comes in there and changes what he was doing, and it supposedly just does not work as often. Oh, really? Yeah. So it would be cooler if you saw it in 2D. Yeah, exactly.

That's what he said. He said it wasn't filmed for 3D. And that's what I'm saying. All these things... But Avatar was. Avatar was filmed for 3D. No way. No way Tim Burton does not know his film

is being filmed for 3D. No, no, no. Dude, he did not film it for a 3D movie. That's what I'm trying to say. Avatar was filmed in the regard So his movie, they filmed it as a 2D movie and they encoded it for three right That's what I'm saying all these shit would have to be filmed in 3d and

It's gonna take a lot of people to go really do we want to spend this whole movie being a 3d movie? No, like Jaws 3d they had to go back. You're crazy. Listen to me dummy They're gonna do it for every single gigantic explosive action movie. It would make sense. It's going to make it much more exciting. It would make sense. It's going to be way cooler. Every monster movie. Don't they make way more in 2D than in 3D?

Don't they what? Don't they make way more in 2D than in 3D in ticket sales? Oh, no, because you can do both at the same time. Yes, they do. And a ton more. Yeah, but you do both at the same time. Because it's theater. And also the 3D hypes up the sales for the 2D.

They had to re-release Jaws 3 in non-3D because it didn't do so because it was fucking terrible that fucking thing came out it was like

there's only like one effect too it was like it was so dumb it was like one effect the shark coming at you it was like such a stupid ass movie

you're like we're not in the ocean we get it I just think the 3D's gonna be fail that's my bet you what? I think 3D's gonna to be fail. That's my bet. Your what?

I think 3D is going to be fail. And what do you think it's going to be? What are you going to skip to then? What's next? Flying? Like more better than that. Like kind of like projection hologram in your house type shit. Dude, I think that's coming too. I think you're right.

But I think until that does come, this is pretty fucking sick. You know what I think is going to come more? You know what I think is going to come more? Where wall, like paper LCD technology, where what I think is going to come more? You know what I think is going to come more where wall, like paper LCD technology where this whole wall is going to be like computer, large size,

this screen, Google, you know, call mom on this screen. Do you think it'll ever get to a point where everything is controlled by your voice

or do you think that's just... Absolutely. Really? But what about if you don't want to talk? What if it's late at night and you don't have work?

Mic off, password on. It's like real. Mic on, password XXX. But you would have another interface like keyboard or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just go up to the wall and go, keyboard.

Will keyboards always be here or do you think the voice recognition will get so good that it'll be irrelevant? I think eventually it will get so good. Do you use voice technology at all? Do you ever use that stuff? I used it briefly on my Android and it was amazing. It was way better than I've ever used it ever. Really?

It was perfect. That's what I keep hearing about that, because it's okay with some things. It's okay with BlackBerry. Like BlackBerry, you can say, like, call Brian, and it'll call you. You know, it's pretty good about that. Which number? Cell. Right.

Calling. Yeah, it's bad in my car. In your car, it works well. Yeah. It's bad in my car. In your car it works well. Yeah. It's bad in my car. I have the Ford Edge. Ford doesn't work that good? Yeah, and it's like, call Joe.

What number? Calling? Calling Sally. Calling grandmother. Calling mom. Yeah, sometimes it's completely off. But I think that's also the noise of the road. That's why I like, instead of the, you know, when you're doing it in a car, it's a speaker phone. It's like talking, it's not crisp. So what

I always do is I always do it straight from the phone. You're talking right into that little tiny mic. It's pretty direct. Seems pretty accurate. Enough. You know, it beats like having to press buttons. I don't want to press buttons when I'm driving. It's all gone through the Bluetooth. That's one of the coolest things ever. You know, that you can have, you can drive in your car and talk to people on the phone with both hands on the steering wheel.

That's just nuts. Did you hear about this company overseas is releasing the first jet pack that you can buy. There's going to be about 500 of them being made. Oh my God. And they're going for about 70,000 each. Whoa.

So I don't have to go above 30 feet, but I'm going to 200. Fuck it. They last 30 minutes, I believe. 30 minutes? God, that's each. Whoa. So I don't have to go above 30 feet, but I'm going to 200. Fuck it. They last 30 minutes, I believe. 30 minutes? God, that's awesome.

Yeah. That's a long time. 30 minutes, you'd be bored already. You'd have to set your alarm. Fuck that. Toyota can't even get their shit together.

What if you have a jet pack and you only go five feet off the ground? Just keep fucking whipping around. But what if it freaks out and goes 500 feet in the ground and you're stuck up in the air?

You'd have to have some sort of parachute, right? You'd have to be able to cut the jet pack off too because it would be extra weight. Imagine if you dropped it on someone's fucking head. No, you wouldn't be able to cut it off. It wouldn't let you. It wouldn't let you? Yeah, because you're doing that. I'll pick a knife, motherfucker. I planned out. Did you see how many Toyotas were recalled in Japan?

Did you hear one last night in San Diego? Did you hear about it? What? The guy couldn't stop. And the police cop got to the side of him and was like, using his P. I was like, hit the power button. And the guy kept on hitting the power button. It wouldn't work. He was standing on the brake, he said, just like full black. You should go in and do something.

Why didn't he put his chance? I don't understand it. But I think it has something to do where it just won't let you do anything. And then the cop had to get in front of him, I guess. So, you know, to kind of break his car. I'm guessing. That's what happens when you're thinking about a standard clutch. You can always put it in yourself.

Slow it down that way. If you have a standard, even a manual transmission, you can always put it into zero. Into neutral. And the emergency brake doesn't work? Yeah, I don't get how it... Well, maybe the computer wouldn't let the transmission switch gears. And no emergency brake? Emergency brake doesn't really...

This was on a Prius. Emergency brake is really a parking brake. Parking brake, you're right. You know, it's fucking... But you would have to definitely put that on. Oh, fuck yeah, you would have to try. He was standing on his brake, too. George Lucas says that he's found things that are wrong with the Prius,

and he says there's a software issue that he can duplicate. Yeah. He said he can do the same error. Let's not deny it, though. Listen, George... Not George Lucas. George Lucas. Wozniak. Yeah. They still deny it, though. They still deny it, though. Listen, George, not George Lucas, George Lucas, Wozniak,

what's his name? Steve Wozniak. Steve Wozniak, George Lucas. I'm just like, what? Fat old rich guys, I lump them all together.

How does he know? Kenny Rogers. Kenny Rogers is How funny is that? Anyway, Steve Wozniak, who's one of the super geniuses who founded Apple, he has a Prius,

and he said that there's an issue with the accelerator and he can replicate it. He can do a specific number of things. You hit the blinker, do this, do that, and it'll happen. He said he can do it safely and he shows them how to do it. He says, this is a software issue. That's what's so scary about these fucking computer-controlled cars, man.

Computers crash. There's some beauty in an an old Mustang. You know? You turn the fucking key, the ignition fires up. Boom! The fucking tack is there. The speedometer is there. Vroom! Vroom! You smell the fucking gasoline. You know what I'm saying? There's no nothing helping you out, stupid.

You got drum brakes. Okay, those brakes suck dick. They're terrible. They don't slow you down. They barely work, you know like they barely work you know you got you know 350 375 fucking american horsepower from a high torque v8 a nasty sound of exhaust you just drive stick shift four on the floor everything that got more advanced the more advanced it gets the more you're taking chances. When you go to fucking software, that shit just breaks on you.

My braces used to go so bad when I was in high school and didn't have money to fix them. It would be an adventure to stop it. From 30 miles an hour, you're like, oh, please, please, no, no. And just eventually, right in front of the car in front of you, you stop. You're like, oh, God. All right, good. It's amazing when you were allowed to drive when you were young how fucking dumb you were. And you can still drive. Driving age should be 30.

A destroyer, a giant machine that could kill people. And you're 16 and you're allowed to fucking hammer around in it. It's so crazy. Yeah, it's amazing that we're all alive. God, I got in a ton of accidents when I was young. I drove like a retard. These cars could not do what I wanted them to do. I was hitting trees and shit. I mean, when I was 16, I was just way too wild to get a driver's license.

There's no way that should have been legal. I should have been riding the bus, getting my shit together for at least another two years. By the time I was 18, I had mellowed out and gotten used to the fact that I was driving around. Then I was safe. Between 16 and 18, that shit should have been terrible. Yeah, there's no way. Yeah, drive as fast as you possibly can for like 30 yards. Yeah, retard.

And then screeching the... Yeah, just no reason. Cutting people off. Running reds. Yeah, it's scary shit, man. It's scary shit. All the different automated things that are going on today. So many different things are automated. What scares the shit out of me is these drones that they use overseas.

in Pakistan, but there's like, you know, Taliban that are in Pakistan. So we want to fuck them up. So we send these robots in space. I mean, this is like fucking, this is really like science fiction. We send these flying robots that we remotely control from a base somewhere. These dudes are literally using Xbox controllers because these kids are so used to playing Xbox. They know those computers so well. they just program the software to control the drones to use that same device. So they've got a fucking Xbox controller, and they're controlling these drones. Yeah, what if your controller goes out? Well, anything can happen. Anything can happen.

It just drops over somebody's house? Yeah. Well, people have died. A bunch of people have died. A lot of civilian casualties. Really? A lot. Yeah.

These drones, I mean, they're very effective, but shit, man, you're launching missiles from the sky. You know, who the fuck knows? American civilians? No. Oh, Ari. No. Ari. These Afghanistan people, they're getting jacked left and right.

I mean, in Pakistan as well. It's a scary thing, man. They fire something called Hellfire missiles. Imagine that. That's what they named them, Hellfire. Jesus Christ. You know, not like Freedom Missiles. Imagine that. That's what they named them. Hellfire. Jesus Christ. You know, not like Freedom Maker or something like that. Just pure death.

Yeah. Death with a bad afterlife. Yeah, not like the strong arm of peace. Coming from below to claim you. Motherfucker. Hellfire? That doesn't make you feel good. The whole idea of the whole war is so crazy.

What's really crazy is that the CIA had the president of Afghanistan's brother on his fucking payroll. Really? Yeah, and this guy is like deep in the poppy business. The CIA was paying him. It was just recently revealed. The CIA has been paying him for a long time. He was on the CIA fucking payroll. He's the brother of the president in Afghanistan, and he's in the poppy business. I mean, the whole thing is crazy.

That's 90-something percent of the world's heroin all comes from Afghanistan. 90-something percent. Galen fucking T, some evil motherfucker in some high lofty position. I don't want to name the the organization because who the fuck knows who's really bringing it in i mean if it isn't even has a name those guys are profiting off that make money off it distributors for sure it's been proven many many times you know there's a plane that the cia had we talked about this before on the show well this plane had crashed in mexico with tons of cocaine in it. And it was a jet

that had been to Guantanamo Bay twice. It was a CIA jet. This fucking jet had been to Guantanamo Bay on two separate occasions, and this fucking thing was flying cocaine into the United States and crashed in Mexico. Four tons of coke, man. So many

different stories. If you want to look at any of this stuff online, look up that plane that crashed. Then look up the story of Barry Seals. Barry Seals was a guy who was a drug runner. He would fly drugs in from South America to the United States and drop them off in Mena, Arkansas in a little plane. And he would drop a parachute. Well, these two kids saw the drop off one day and they caught the kids because they didn't want the kids telling they killed them and their parents found out that

it was a murder because the the cops had said that they found these kids on the train tracks apparently they placed their bodies and they said oh they they got stoned and they laid out on the train tracks and the uh parents did autopsies had had autopsies done. They found knife wounds. The kids had been stabbed. So they stabbed these kids and killed them, and then they laid them on the tracks. And so then it became this gigantic investigation, who was flying, blah, blah, blah.

They get a hold of this guy, Barry Seals, and Barry Seals totally spills the beans. Tells the whole story, all the different shit that he did. He's ready to testify, goes to court, and they fucking assassinate him, literally on his way to court. So this dude's on his way to court. He's ready to testify. Goes to court and they fucking assassinate him literally on his way to court.

So this dude's on his way to court. He's got George Bush's phone number in his pocket at the time. And he gets murdered in his car on the way to talk about it. And this is a guy that was an employee of the CIA. And there's not just those. There's a bunch of them. Michael Rupert is a guy who wrote a book about it. He was an LAPD detective.

Something in LAPD. I don't know what he was. But he busted the CIA selling drugs. And he was told to back off the case. And he's like, this is fucking insane. And he's written books about it. He's got this website fromthewilderness.com, I believe it is. It's all detailing all the different corruption. And they're doing it right in front of everybody's fucking face. That's the crazy thing. I mean, think about how much goddamn cocaine is in this country. It's not all coming in because of retarded criminals.

Because most people that are smuggling cocaine... Those are huge organizations, is that what you're saying? Yeah, it's the government. The government has something to do with it, for sure. Someone in some aspect. Why wouldn't they? If these people want to do drugs, what the

fuck let's who's making money off the drugs they probably feel like look the bad guy's gonna make money off the drugs anyway let's just cut them out we'll take the money fuck it drugs are gonna be out there no matter what you do and it's all like a nice little cycle because the more people get arrested for those drugs the more the these prison private prison companies and companies that own these gigantic prisons the more they're happy because more people are in their prisons and the more people that are in private prisons the more profit they make so they support all the shit so they actually support drugs being illegal they want them to be illegal they push for it it's fucking crazy the whole the whole big package is fucking crazy and the idea that the government is behind it all that there's evidence of it

just makes the whole thing mind-blowing it's just so so nuts. The fact that the DEA, you know, is like in cahoots with the CIA and they all, it's all like a big game at the very top. It's all horseshit. It's all just profit and money. How much fucking money must they even make in? There must be so much money in drugs. Who gets the money? I don't know. That's the good question, right? That's the good question. How many people are involved and where does it go? I don't know. That's the good question, right? That's the good question. How many people are involved? And where does it go? I mean, if the CIA, if someone in the CIA, someone in the organization really is selling drugs, is it just every now and then a rogue

agent goes fucking nutty and cuts some deal with some fucking drug smuggler killer? Or is it all the time? Do you think it's all the time? That's how it gets in the country. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I mean, how many times has it happened though? I mean, how much cocaine do we have already here?

How long does cocaine last? You know, if you bring in a whole gigantic ship full of it, where would you keep it? How long does it take to get it on the street?

Someone's bringing it in. It's not these morons. It's not. They'd be getting busted left and right. People that are so crazy that they're willing to do something that insane

like smuggle a million dollars worth of cocaine into the country, those people are crazy. Those people get busted doing shit. That's not like a rational person. I think they option that part out. Like they hire somebody to transport.

The more people you hire, the more people are going to kill you. Yeah. The more people you hire, the worse your idea is. Because the more people that can get busted and wear a wire and put you in jail, it's very dangerous. The smart move to do, if you're doing something like that that is to hire as few people as possible. Take your own ship over somewhere. You'll do it. Might be the way to do it.

You might have to bring your own ship. No way some cartel guy transports the shit. No, those guys don't do it. They hire other guys to do it. That's why they always live in these fucking gigantic compounds with 15 dogs and 80 guns. You know? Fucking nuts, man. Imagine that life. In Mexico, they're going crazy.

The Mexican drug war is just off the fucking chain. When we talked to Victor about it, you know, the dude, Victor Davila, he just got out. Our guy from the UFC who does Spanish commentary, he does my job. He just got out of Juarez. He was living in Juarez. Gold! That's what he says every time he's in a knockout.

Does he? He says gold? Gold! No, he doesn't. No, he says gold oh all right so mean i should have let that go that was my biggest regret you're not telling everyone now you know victor says this that's hilarious because i thought he did i was like wow imagine he did that was his thing because michael chavello the guy who does the k1 commentary he goes the big kibosh he screams out the big kibosh when a guy gets cracked

yeah that's funny yeah he's awesome he's hilarious more hooks than a pirate convention he says like crazy shit

he's been mounted more times than Jenna Hayes really yeah he says that oh yeah they don't fuck with him

they let him just do whatever he wants no they want it the people love it I think he's hilarious that'd be fun to make this he's my favorite guy to listen to it's on pino yeah he's a super dude too man we hung out with him in uh in canada somewhere yeah in canada and edmonton and then uh we hung out with him and his uh girlfriend again in australia super cool dude couldn't be nicer he's australian that's right. More hooks than a pirate convention!

That's my favorite one. More a pirate convention! My name is Mon. I'm from Somalia. A pirate convention. How come we don't hear about the fucking Somalian pirates anymore? It's like they got cancelled. We got bored of it. Did those two people ever escape?

Huh? Did those two people ever escape? Oh, the English couple's still fucked. Oh, really? Yeah, they still got those bitches locked up. They kidnapped them. They want millions. They know these guys are worth millions.

Who knows what they're doing to them, too. They're probably fucking them. They've been... They were surprisingly good about... Once you pay the money, they give you everything back safely. Yeah, but what are they doing right now while these people aren't coughing up the money?

I bet they're fucking them. They might. Why not? Why wouldn't they fuck them? These pretty white people, silky smooth white skin, worth billions. These guys are like super, super rich, right? I don't want to hurt their investment. Are they?

Or are they just like regular folks? I don't know. They're not the people that... Were they the people that were kidnapped on the yacht? Yeah. Like the guy and the girl and they were like real travelers. On their own yacht? Yeah.

Yeah. That's so scary. Another ship's turning about. We are in... Hello there! In 2010. This is the internet, so we're going to find out, because I think that's fucking interesting. Because that's one of the things about traveling is that it gets fucking nerve-wracking thinking

about what is safe and what is not in all these other places. Different laws. Different countries don't have our laws. Yeah. Yeah. When I was in Brazil, that scared the shit out of me. Brazil. Brazil was

very much like Sao Paulo. There was a feeling in the air like, you know, you gotta watch where you go. You know? Most of the people were very nice, very friendly. A lot of beautiful houses. A lot of nice neighborhoods. But it was also like the Arab show could you go to the market and it's in Jerusalem and you've walked into the airport people like don't Wow someone from the Navy witnessed it

kidnapped British yachtsman oh he's a yachtsman Wow who's this passing ship hello there what do you want what no oh my god yeah oh my god these people she's pasty white now she's just somebody else's look she's pasty white these are their pasty white rich english people oh my god they must have fucked traveling around the ocean and all really good so these fucking people went these guys are nuts they went from turkey through af Africa down through Saudi Arabia to Somalia. I'll put the link up

That's so far off though. on my Twitter. I'll put the link up. Pirates versus ninjas. Who would you choose? Go. Ninja. What about pirates

or assholes? I mean You're actually thinking about this longer than Yeah, where is it? On the ocean or? Never mind. You lost. I'm sorry. Ninja just always the immediate answer but why how are they gonna take the ocean they don't have both ninjas just why it's better

because when you're a ninja you know for sure you can kick that pirates ass yeah no one's they should make a movie where it's like a ninja who's also a pirate you're fucking 12 yeah do they have that yet they probably they should you are a 12 year old boy son like he takes off his mask and he has like a little eye patch under his mask and there's like a squished parrot like okay these people have not paid yet the pirates believe these people are wealthy that's what it And there's like a squished parrot. Like, what? I'm squished. Okay, these people have not paid yet. The pirates believe these people are wealthy.

That's what it is. They're not wealthy. All they have, they put into their yacht. All their money, they put into their yacht. Wow. These guys are fucked. Wow, this is scary shit, man. They went nutty, man. These people sailed all the way down to Africa.

That's the dream. To fucking Somalia. With the Suez Canal. They went to Mumbai. They went across the ocean to India. And then they went all the way back towards Tanzania. And that's where they got jacked. This is the dream of sailing around the world.

Retiring and sailing around the world. My parents did that, you know. My parents went to the Florida Keys. And they lived in the Bahamas for a while. But it's nerve-wracking, man. You're living on a fucking boat out in the water. And when the storms come, your fucking house is literally flopping back and forth. And it might go under.

Other houses are going to crash into it. My dad had to get up in the middle of the night and go out in the middle of horrible, rough waters. Climb on other people's boats and secure their anchors because they didn't secure their anchor correctly and their boats were drifting. They had to worry about their boats slamming into each other. Slamming, really? Yeah, it's dangerous shit.

They had a little sailboat. They lived on a little sailboat for a couple of years. Pretty nutty shit, man. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is as you go to all these other places, you realize, like, god damn, we're lucky it's safe here. Trying to say is you go to all these other places, you realize, like, God damn, we're lucky it's safe here. Trying to say take flights. Human beings are,

we are only as civilized as our circumstances. And I learned that when we were in San Francisco and we thought the building was on fire. I was really thinking, like, how am I going to do this? When we're evacuating, there was 15 flights of stairs and people were going down the stairs

in single file and people were panicking and they were asking questions. They were stopping the line and they were going really slow and they were shitting their pants. And while this was all happening, you could look down through the spirals and see the smoke coming up from the bottom. And I was ready to jump. I was ready to just start climbing down. I was ready to just start, fuck you. I'm just going to start climbing. People are panicking and they're not going fast enough. They're like freaking out and they're everyone's and every floor they're merging and you start thinking like this is how someone could die you can die like this you can get stuck in a fucking fire man this is scary shit very very scary shit yeah that that

that really freaked me out and i now i hate going i used to like to be at the top floor for some reason like as high as i can get on like when i go to a hotel but now i'm like no no you have like second floor because of that yeah you know that that was one of the worst times in my life that's the only time ever i thought i would for sure was going to die like i thought i didn't think i was going to die but i thought we were in a very very bad situation here i was very thankful when we got out and everything was okay and it turned out it wasn't really a fire, that the smoke was actually the fire extinguishers because these assholes got drunk at like 4.30 in the morning

and just started spraying. Did you fart? No, he was saying that it was him that sprayed this shit. It probably was. How dare you? How dare you? But it was the whole fucking room. The whole floor was covered in this smoke,

and the fire alarms went off, I guess, because they activated the thing. So it was no real fire, but goddamn, it was scary as fuck. It could have very easily have been a fire. It's terrifying shit. Yeah. That energy could just overcome you, you know? That's why those old-ass buildings, they're not safe, man.

Single-fire staircases oh that was awful they could suck it 12 floors going into 15. yeah 15 was floors going into one staircase i think there was other ones but they were like hidden staircases there were so many people that were walking so slow they were panicking they had just woken up and they were delirious and they were unhealthy and they weren't athletic they weren't like people who like can move well so here they get up and some people need a long ass fucking time to get going like they're in their 60s and 70s and all of a sudden you put them on a staircase like oh my god i'm gonna die because this guy can't walk like you gotta walk faster buddy you gotta walk there's

there's a gap in front of you motherfucker you know when you normally there's a gap on the stairs it doesn't mean shit but when you see smoke on the second floor and there's like you know 10 feet between you and the next guy you're like dude you gotta move man what are you doing to my cat he's attacking Brian he's playing

you're playing with it he has to put his sleeve over his hand or she scratches it up you can't play you can't rub her belly she likes to bite I gotta pay him

our sphere will be right back ladies and gentlemen and now we're gonna go to your emails and calls and we're gonna do calls to your emails and calls. Where are you going? When are we going to do the Skype thing, man?

Right now. Oh, now we're on Skype. No, don't do it right now. I don't want to answer any calls. Talk to Johnny Depp live. Who's Johnny Depp? Pirate. Oh.

I thought we were ninjas, bro. We are. Ari likes the pirates. Hello. This guy says that's why I bring a collection of sheets, just in case I need to tie them together and dip. Dude, don't think I wasn't thinking about it. And the lower I got, the more I was thinking,

okay, maybe I could jump out from here and live. Maybe I could jump out from here and live. Maybe I could jump out from here and live. You start thinking crazy shit. You do. You know, your survival instincts, you really become an animal. You become an organism that's trying to survive. You know, you don't really think about anything else. That's why this end of the world shit's crazy, like when the zombies come and shit,

because I'm going to be like the first one to eat the hot, you know, somebody in our group. We got to eat her! Why do you think that? I don't know, I'm just kidding. I think, you know what somebody in our group we gotta hear why do you think that I don't know I'm just kidding but I think you know zombies we've talked about this before I think this whole idea of reincarnating people after they're dead you know like the whole cryogenics thing where they're taking people in the freezing on like they do with Walt Disney I think if there are really zombies that's a zombie yeah a zombie is when a person dies their soul goes the next stage of existence, their energy, their essence.

And you just reanimate their flesh. And that flesh needs to stay alive, but it doesn't think at all. It's like that. So it's just moving on instincts. It's like trying to eat things in front of it. Trying to bite your arm and eat it because it's hungry. Remember that old experiment with the dog where they brought dogs back to life? Did you ever see that?

Is that the Russian film? Yes. What is that? Oh, you've got to look that up on Google. They have like this head of a dog. and they hook it up to these chemicals, and the dog just starts coming back to life. Like, starts licking his lips. What was it?

Russian? Russian experiment. Russian scientist? Yeah, scientist, dog, dead, vagina, black vagina. Black vagina. A Russian scientist kept a dead dog's severed head alive. Dude, that is one of the creepiest videos I ever saw. Black for John. A Russian scientist kept a dead dog's severed head alive. Dude, that is one of the creepiest

videos I ever saw. And that's probably something like, that's a zombie dog right there. That's a zombie dog. They kept it alive with electrical stimulation?

Yeah. Now imagine if they made a thing that they could just put a collar around its neck to do the same thing. Like it digs into the right thing

and can control it. Well, I think for sure one of the things that people hear is the video, wow, that sure, you know, one of the things that there was people, here's the video. Wow, that's the dog. Oh my God. Zombie dog.

Oh my God. Is there a video? Yeah, I'm going to put it on Twitter first so we can all watch together. Hold me close, Tony Danza That's hilarious

This is Jimmy Kimmel It is hilarious You guys ever watch him? You know what was the best thing That thing that he did With Leno When he came out as Leno And did his whole show

As Leno Dude That thing was great things very good did you tweet it that's it yeah cartoon that's real explaining how he does it so I was feeding the dog This is just some mad scientist shit. They're trying to figure out what makes flesh and tissue alive. And this dog, they're feeding blood to this dog's head while this fucking dog's head is severed. I mean, this is, they're explaining it in a cartoon form, but then watch. Here it is.

Look at that yes look at that look at that freaky that's the same they kept that dog's head alive for hours so it's moving around it's reacting when he tickles its nose Wow can't bark it's got no force box it's got no lungs man yeah nothing it's insane citric acid he's taking citric acid out can you imagine doing that to like your old pet because you wanted to make it feel like it's still oh my god licking it that is insane the dog's head is

completely removed from its body and it's licking its nose. The guy covered its nose with citric acid. Wow, that's so cute. It's a cute dog. He's licking his nose. Why do they have to chop his fucking head off? So do they... Just to figure out that he can do it? Oh, look at this.

He's blinking. Oh my god, they poured light on him. Oh, don't do that! Oh no, sound, sound. They picked up a hammer. It was scary. They were gonna smash his face. Yeah, do you know...

It was not the ground, I know. Brian, didn't you bring the camera? I did. I did. They picked up a hammer. It was scary. They were going to smash his face. Yeah, do you not know? It was not the ground. I know. Brian, didn't you watch a video? He just hit the ground with a hammer.

Did you watch a video? Oh, he's reacting to noise. Look at that. He's trying to get away from the hammer noise. Oh, my God. That's so crazy. Now, did they cut his head off and then put a right on that machine?

Yeah. So he didn't really ever die. They just chopped his fucking head off. They didn't bring him back to life. No. Actually, I don't know exactly how long it was, but this crazy guy did a bunch of these kinds of experiments. Fuck, that's so scary.

Very interesting shit. A guy who's willing to do something that dark, I mean, I understand it's all for the name of science and all that stuff, but a guy who's willing to take an animal and completely disregard its suffering just to find out what you can do to it, that guy will do that to people. Right. That's what I think.

I think. I mean, maybe not, but. What about lab rats? Where's the line? Yeah. Where's the line? I mean, why not take people that suck? Why not take, there was a guy who recently got arrested.

I don't want to be in charge of choosing that. Yeah. He's being sentenced right now. He was on a dating game back in the 70s and this chick turned him down. And I'll find that too. Yeah. The chick turned him down. I'll find that too. The chick turned him down and after the chick turned him down because the chick didn't want to go out with him. Well, it turned out, before he was even on the show in 1968,

he'd already raped a child. He raped a 12-year-old girl and they didn't know about it. So he gets on the show. He wins. The girl doesn't want to date him. The girl doesn't want to date him. And he goes on a fucking killing spree. Does he kill her? No, he doesn't kill her.

But he kills a child. He kills, I think, four people. Took one teenage girl out into the woods, sodomized her, and smashed her fucking head with a rock.

I mean, he did some horrible, horrible shit. He's an evil, evil fuck. And, I mean, that guy, let's do, cut his fucking head off. You i'm saying you guys kill four

people rapes and sodomize the chick kills with a rock let's cut his head off why are we kidding this dog didn't do shit you know that guy is the one batch number one will fucking kill you that's what it is this is the guy this is him in court right now whoa he got way older well this is 1978 bro but he uh went on a fucking killing spree. He raped her with a claw hammer. They were all repeatedly, all of them were repeatedly strangled and then resuscitated during their deaths

to prolong their agony. Oh, really? He woke them up again. He's just hot. Evil, evil fuck. Yeah, she was hot and smart. She smartened up. Even in 1978, she knew.

The other dudes who were on the show with him, they said that he was so creepy, they were like, they didn't even realize but they were leaning away from him. Really?

Yeah. And they said that in the locker room, like it was, in the dressing room, the green room, it wasn't like all jokes, like, hey,

we're on this crazy TV show, it's like, I'm gonna win, you fucking piece of shit. It's my fucking show. Like, he was like, aggressive with them and like crazy.

Like, this guy's fucking creepy. Turns out he's a serial killer. You know, that guy. We should experiment on that motherfucker, right? I right and that's the guy we should be killing not a goddamn dog right archie yeah yeah maybe i want to sit and study and ask me questions i know right yeah he's actually on defense too oh even better yeah i wonder how they caught him i don't know the whole story i don don't know how they got, look at him, man. What a creepy fuck, man. There's people that enjoy,

they truly enjoy hurting other people. You know, they're broken. Their wires are just completely crossed and they actually enjoy it, man. It's fucked up, but.

Talking about Manson and how he tried out for the monkeys. Did he really? Yeah. And like, if he had gotten it, would he still have gone crazy?

My friend was like, yes, he just would have been a crazy monkey. Well, it would have been way more crazy because what if he became

one of the monkeys and he got fucking famous and then had incredible power? I mean, the power he had over chicks, he was three feet tall and a fucking ex-con. He was all over Hollywood

because he always had hot chicks around him. So everyone in Hollywood invited him over. Don't think dudes don't do that to guys. Sharon Tate, that's Plansky's place.

There's always guys that are like, in Vegas especially, that party, they'll say, hey, we've got a always guys that are like, in Vegas especially, that party. They'll say, hey, we've got a lot of hot chicks with us. Come on down with us. And they're always trying to talk to UFC guys and fighters. Why are you telling guys you have a lot of hot chicks with you?

If you have a lot of hot chicks with you, are you just a really super cool guy who wants to make everybody happy? Or are you just trying to make friends with everybody and this is the bait you're throwing out there? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. It's weird. That's right. That's some Manson-style shit. The problem is

always like I have a lot of hot chicks and they're like, what am I going to do with that? Scary shit. I'm going to meet them.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Are they prostitutes that are willing to have sex with me or something? Otherwise, like, what do you, I don't understand.

Do you want to talk about your Last Comic Standing thing? I went on Last Comic Standing yesterday. You allowed to?

I auditioned for it. What do you mean? Are you allowed to talk about it? Oh, you mean by rules of like NBC? Yeah, like did you sign something? I don't know,

I signed a lot of stuff. I have no idea, I'm sure you're allowed. And then I get there, and they said this year they wanted to do, what's it called, more respectable judges,

because they were afraid of Ant, that level of comic, where they were like, you know, people, the comics don't really want to do it. So they got Gargiareldo and Andy Kindler, the writer's book. And then at the last minute,

I found out 20 minutes before I got there, it went on, that my ex-girlfriend Natasha was one of the judges. Now, this is not just an ex-girlfriend, but there's a big-ass story to it. And one of them is that Ari, at one point in time, was quite upset with her. And Ari?

Yes. Oh oh the water? Yeah She left me for some guy on MattTV and then she started hanging around my safety spot, my clubhouse and making it uncomfortable for me and then she started dating my friend

and then she was hanging around the clubhouse again and I threw water in her face. So not the best judge. Right. Not the one I want to be up in front of. And I was like, oh, really? And then they started grilling me about it. Like right before I go on camera asking these questions.

Right before? Yeah, right before. And I'm like, I don't know if she's answering this. Did you think about bailing? What? Absolutely thought about it. But I love uncomfortable situations so much. I even said that to the people.

I was like, ugh. You do. If I could wash this it would be better I think we all do from working at the store it's just so awkward I love it so much that I'm willing to put myself through it just for the awkwardness well you know how when we were doing the store

all those years we'd have those crazy late night shows like I think there's something about those late night shows that like you know like there's times when we did gigs together where like if I did a gig with like Tripoli or me and Brent Ernst and Mike Young

did a show once in Hollywood, Florida and everybody killed and one of the things that Brent Ernst said when he killed, like right after he was bringing me up,

he goes, comedy store motherfucker, you know, and it was like, like joking around like we're a gang. It's a clubhouse, it's a gang.

Yeah, yeah. It's a mentality. It's like, you know you're working in a shith like we're a gang it's a clubhouse it's a gang yeah it's a mentality it's like you know you're working in a shithole you've been in some dark situations yeah

the comedy store if you don't know the way it has always been in LA it used to be that the criminals ran the insane people ran the asylum

but now it's more it's managed and it kind of sucks now because still the door guys are all wannabe comics everyone's a comic they're outside

smoking and drinking when there's some five hecklers in there yelling at you, eventually someone will get them. The place is entirely black. Everything's black. The walls are black. The floor is so dirty. The coloring is black. The building, the whole building is black.

It's a black building. And it's just dark, man. And it used to be a nightclub where Bugsy Siegel owned it in the 1930s and shit called Ciro's. And it was like a mob joint where dudes were killed there. So it's got this weird fucking feel to it. I mean, for sure they chopped people up and threw them in the fucking freezer in that place. Yeah, they had this, what's it called, the window where they said that those were the only people who looked down.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis used to watch the opening acts from their green room. Their green room has a window. And we can still use it today. You go up there and you watch the main room. They said that where they point out for the bouncers get him out and get him out

so they wouldn't have to go and make a hubbub in the room they would just drag him out they said to kill him for a lot of reasons but it's just it's an amazing club

there's three comedy rooms in it there's an upstairs little tiny one called the belly room there's an original room that's like 200 seats right about 200

and then there's a main room that's like 400 seats and the fucking club is just so sick man so much fun shit an original room that's like 200 seats, right, about 200? And then there's a main room that's like 400 seats. And the fucking club is just so sick, man. So much fun shit has happened in that club. It's a great development room. Yeah, that's it.

It's the best place to write material. It's less about, like, I don't know, just doing your stuff. People are so not impressed with you there.

Yeah. You don't showcase there ever. No, never. You'll eat it. It's very possible to eat it at the store. Dia said, never tape at the kind to make a tape once again, bro.

Never make a tape at the store. You can never tell what's going to happen. You never tell. We've been in so many situations where people are screaming things at each other, fights on stage. Ari's pulled his cock out at least ten times that I know of. If I would be willing to bet money that he's pulled his dick out ten times on that stage that I saw. That you saw.

Yeah. He used to pull his balls out all the time and just do a set like that. I generally just said. Just pull his balls out. This is when I wanted to fuck with Dirty Steven, so I put my balls, he hated anything homosexual, so I pulled my balls out and left a long t-shirt over them because I was going to bring them on. And I had them out before the entire set.

And there were a couple times where I'd raise my hand like this. And people would see it. And they'd just go up a little bit, so I had to be conscious of doing my set with my hands down the whole time. And then when when he got out because we were doing this thing called cocking or i would come behind you and just put my balls in your arm or something just somewhere on your body we never do it to girls because that's creepy that's illegal yeah i think it's illegal to do it to dudes too but if you call the cops you're a bitch yeah but brody was like don't you ever do that to me I'm like I'm gonna cop you and so once

I went to shake his hand I had to get off and I just pulled it in and he was like and it fucking melted for 15 minutes he planned it out yeah

well that's what we did regular people man with regular jobs cannot appreciate that there's something very fun in being juvenile and you know

everybody wants to get all mature and everybody wants to I guess that's all well and good wants to, you know. I guess. That's all well and good. That's fine. But the bottom line is, you're, this is a temporary life.

You're, this is temporary. Taking yourself or anything seriously seems dumb to me. It seems like you should be having as much fun as possible. Even the silly,

stupid shit. Even farting on each other. I don't care. It could be a hundred years from now. Farting on people is still going to be funny. When Joey Diaz comes over and farts on you and then waves his hand

in front of his ass it's always funny, it's always disgusting it gets warmer, that's how close it is the only time it makes you angry you'd have to be so fucked up in your life you'd have to be in a terrible place but any normal time in life when he does that it's hilarious

see if he did it to him on a date oh I can see him doing that let me do this any normal time in life and it doesn't so Larry we did to him a date if you can't watch it ok I'll talk and we do this yes you can miller talking to what are you doing here you eating dinner hey hello miss very nice to meet you I don't know how I feel about the fire damn I think that put down your fucking

spaghetti and smoke it oh that's nice to meet you I'm sorry about that one. Yo, dog. You got a lighter? I'll give it right back. You can definitely do that. He's stolen more lighters from me. I should have lighters with fucking homing beacons. Put a little beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

He used to always talk about me going to 7-Eleven and shit. Steal. Just steal. You got to take him to something. And he does it at the airport. He does it at the airport. He does it at the airport. And he's like, just don't steal at the airport.

It's like a federal place. We're catching a flight. If you get held by 30 minutes, we're gonna miss it. Like, don't. Does he still do it? Dude, he just, he does it all the time.

He does it all the time. Tic Tacs. Remember when we went to McDonald's and it was one of those places where you grab like a quarter pounder, you grab your fries, and you go to the cashier, and you go,

I got a quarter pounder of fries. He's just like, quarter pounder here, quarter pounder here, some french fries in my shirt. Get out of here. Remember the time I stole that pounder here, quarter pounder here, some french fries in my shirt. Get out of here. Do you remember the time I stole that food? Dude, you just gave them up.

Huh? You just gave them up on the internet. I'm talking about Dunkin' Shreds. Ryan and I were waiting for food once, and I forgot to wait in line. And then somebody kept ordering, yelling out, taquitos, taquitos, and nobody picked them up. So I just said, fuck it. Oh, that's right. You did it.

That's right. I forgot. You guys are killing me, man. Wow, that was scary we ate so fast i got caught for shoplifting was when cds first came out and i was like 12 or 13 or something and i wanted a cd so bad i had a cd player for my birthday but had one cd it was the ghostbuster 2 soundtrack so i was like i need a new cd this soundtrack sucks and so i went to the store with my friend and we uh i stole three cds and got caught it was so embarrassing because the cds were paulo abdul uh mc hammer and something else like van halen or something like that but

then his family our both of our families had to come we had to oh getting caught shoplifting i got caught i got caught shoplifting shoplifting i got caught i got caught shoplifting shoplifting i got caught shoplifting when i was about 13 i stole a candy bar and uh we were about to leave and go to the movies and as i'm walking out of this store this guy came up and grabbed my arm really i hate to hear me too i fucking went to a panty goes what'd you put in your pocket i go what what is this why you got a candy bar in your pocket like i totally didn't even need to do it i just want to see if i could do it i had done it a couple of times i'd stolen like gum or something like that and i just kept doing it you know when you're a kid you do you just do it i think i was 13 i was like 12 i think

but the thing is you would have gotten away with you would have trouble with your parents no i was 13 because i was living in boston yeah my parents terrible yeah my parents found out about it i don't think i don't think they even told my parents they just told me get the fuck out of there there's no candy bar they didn't give a shit it, I don't think. I don't think they even told my parents. They just told me to get the fuck out of there. It was only a candy bar. They didn't give a shit. They were like, we could hold you. We could bring you to jail. And I just said, look, I'm sorry.

I don't know why I did it. I'm stupid. I'm sorry. I apologize. And I said, I got away. I told the truth. I said, I got away with it before. And for whatever reason, I thought I could get away with it.

And they go, get the fuck out of here. Don't ever come. I can't fucking catch you doing this. I'm going to put you in fucking jail. Big mustache. Big fucking fat head. He got in my face. And I was like, yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm glad I got caught. Because jail. Big mustache, big fucking fat head he got in my face. And I was like, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm glad I got caught because if I didn't, I'd probably. I was so addicted to it because it was when Nintendo came out also. You were stealing games? Yeah. Service merchandise.

Stealing games? Service merchandise. They didn't know about video games. They just put them on the shelf. So me and my friend were like, ooh, ooh, ooh. Like put 10 in our pants. And then we would bury it outside of the store and get it back later because we didn't want to come home and have all these video games in high school got busted stealing like

a thousand dollars worth of shit she got in like some real trouble wow last time i was with my mom and i saw these pair of sunglasses i thought were cool and i put in my pocket as i'm walking out the door i'm like what am i if this thing goes off right now right i'm fuck what am i doing and i was like 17 right it was like enough where i'm like they'll just thing goes off right now, I'm fucked. What am I doing? And I was like 17. It was like enough where I'm like, they'll just charge me. I'm not cute. Yeah, it's scary shit. My girlfriend at the time, I think she was 15 when she got caught.

But she just wanted nice clothes. Everybody had nice clothes. She was also raised without her dad. I think when people are raised without their dad, they're very unbalanced. You know, more subject to do crazy shit. Her mom worked all day. You know, her mom didn't have enough money to take care of her. She couldn't like put her in like a really nice daycare. So you grow up, you know, single parent or single, single parent, single child, you grow up a little crazy. You know, she just thought she could get away with it. She thought she was smart. She was pretty smart. She thought she could get away with it.

It's either because she was raised with no dad or raised with too much dad. Yeah, I was no dad. She wasn't like that. Come here, God. She wasn't fucked up like that. She was just a little crazy. You ever look back on chicks that you knew when you were in high school and say, what if I got her pregnant?

What if I had a fucking kid with her? What if I was still connected to her? What if I was pregnant and didn't have money is what the real answer is well can you imagine though not having money is one thing that does suck but being young and not having money and trying to figure out how to raise a child you're still trying to figure out yourself

you'd make the best of your life you would definitely make the best of your life it's so hard not to project on those people we're like oh your life sucks but it's not that bad they're fine I would hate to fuck it up. We're like, oh, your life sucks, but it's not that bad. They're fine. I would hate to fuck it up. I would hate to fuck up. You know,

to raise a kid when you're like a kid yourself, man, you could do some irreparable damage to that fucking kid. You could teach them something, some really terrible

behavior patterns. They could model them after you. I mean, think about how dumb you were when you were 18. Now imagine you were black, you had AIDS, and you're fat. Yeah, you live in another country. How about you just... Like Precious. That's what they mean, P about how dumb you were when you were 18. Yeah. Now imagine you were black, you had AIDS, and you're fat.

Yeah, you live in another country. How about you just... Like Precious. That's what you mean, Precious. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I can imagine. How about you're born in the Congo? How about that?

How about you're one of those dudes that fucking still fishes by hanging a net over a fucking moving river from a tree? They hang with their feet from fucking trees and scoop nets into the water. Dude, it's nuts because the river is raging. And if they're not even wearing safety vests, if they fall in that water, they might be fucked. There's some video of these guys living in the Congo that are catching fish by doing that. It is wild to see, man. They are living right now the way the fucking Na'vi lived in Avatar. No bullshit, except they don't fly in dragons.

They're not really great. Yeah, it's not cool. All the uncool are really bad. When they come at you, it doesn't seem that interesting. They're killing things with spears and bows and arrows and, you know, they're fishing It's not cool. All the uncool are really cool. When they come at you, it doesn't seem that much of a thing. They're killing things with spears and bows and arrows. They're fishing with nets while they're hanging from fucking trees. It's loco. It's crazy shit, man.

These guys are living in 2010. They don't have shit. They don't have lights. They don't have electricity. They don't have anything. They have no lighters. They don't have shit. Occasionally, you see one of them will be wearing like Western underwear.

Like somebody got them some fucking underwear. Or one of them will be wearing a t-shirt or some shit. You know, like from The Gap. And you're like, wow, this is crazy. And here they are living in these straw huts in the middle of the fucking jungle. Surrounded by monsters, you know. That is a scary, scary life, man. And that could easily have been us.

You know? You didn't have to be born where you were born. I didn't have to be born where I'm born. You could totally fuck and all of a sudden we know any different though yeah you find no any different but goddamn how lucky are we I mean yeah you would be probably okay I mean people there's a lot of everything I look and I think I've done they look down on our lifestyle I'm like look at them then I don't know if they could have been born here and I can't stand it how to cut lucky yeah this good wasn't right they're proud to live in shitty towns I mean. Yeah, there's people that are proud. They're proud to live in those shitty towns.

I mean, there's a lot of people that are proud to live in Pittsburgh. You know what I'm saying? For real. You know, you talk to people that fucking love Pittsburgh. I'll be here until I die. Fucking Pittsburgh is the only town for me. I'm a bird. Dude, you need to go to Australia.

Because let me tell you something, man. Everyone's friendly. The women are gorgeous. Everyone's cool as fuck. Everyone's super, super relaxed. Every third place Joe Ogun goes to visit he says it's the greatest place. I always have this instinct to get out of

LA. I came so close. I was gone. Look at me. That's when I thought it was over. They dragged me back in. They fucking got me back. The wife got knocked up and the mountain lion ate the dog. Snow came. The accident on the hills

it's just too much I got crazy I tried to move her right to the mountains that was the big fuck I should have moved her to Boulder take over territory set up a base there I got this fucking very strong desire

to have a base very far away from the majority of civilization I have these crazy and it's not far away from the majority of civilization like i have these crazy and it's not crazy thoughts of like the end of the world it's just like i just want no one around you even do that here it's like any reason you have to be in la is 45 minutes away yeah well here you know in light traffic yeah have you always been like that or yeah is that something that knit up recently no i've always been like that when i've moved further and further away from the hives from the moment I moved to L.A.

When I first moved to L.A., I had an apartment in North Hollywood. Then I rented a house in Encino. And then I kept going further and further out. And my next move, man, I'm going to stay in California. Balloon. But I think I'm going to get a place in Big Bear.

I want to go get a place up in the mountains. Ever? Yeah, maybe I should buy his place. There you go. I wonder if she wants to sell it. I wonder if she'll sell it. I wonder if Lynn even uses it. You don't want that junk of spirits. What the fuck? There's junky spirits in that fucking house, top sucker. What are you trying to do? Worshipping Satan, Joe Rogan? Junkies spirits. Maybe you're right. Maybe that's, you know what I would like to get? Just a little cabin. Just somewhere where I can just go and just hear nothing. That's what I love the most

about living on that mountain. I mean, you went to that place that I lived at. When you are out that window, when we're on the porch, and you listen, you don't hear a fucking thing. It's you hear the silence.

It's like a very specific sound of its own. I heard in the redwoods, because the canopy's so high above the ground, there's no real birds and there's no real insects there um because the stuff i don't know how it falls out so there's just nothing going on so it really is just silence occasionally you hear a squirrel you know you

see one but generally it's just like nothing's happening i gotta go back to that suck no man it's supposed to be like miles and miles around i went when i was a kid and we drove our car through that one tree yeah i want to do that. That's how douchey people are. This fucking tree's been around for like a million years. This gigantic fucking tree that's as big as this room. So what do they do? They carve a big hole in the center of it so people can drive their cars through the fucking tree. This is like a novelty goof.

Like they carved out the tree like a goddamn tunnel. Well, that's where the road was, right? Was that a knocker tree down? Oh, they made it. That's where the road was. right? Is that enough to put the tree down? Oh, they made it. That's where the road was. They didn't have to do that.

I mean, it seems like more humane to kill the tree than to use it. Humane. It's a fucking tree. I know. What if trees can feel

when they just can't communicate? That's a very valid argument. We don't know. We know that there's, I don't know if this has been scientifically

validated, but there's been all sorts of studies that prove that trees feel something, like there's an all sorts of studies that prove that trees feel something. There's an electrical impulse when you snip them. I will tell you this. There was an episode of Mama's Family in which the goofball son

hears a study that says a cauliflower can feel pain. Broccoli does not have that same problem. Maybe that was where all the work was done. That's not real. But who the fuck knows, man? Who knows if it doesn't hurt their feelings when you eat them? Who knows?

It's not a good enough reason to do or not to do anything. You could argue that video game characters could probably feel... Maybe if they're playing us. When you play Quake, maybe you're fucking somebody up in another dimension. Right. That video game,

how do you know that has feelings as much as a fucking cabbage? You know, that's just... It starts getting ridiculous. If you have lips, then who cares? You know? You have to have lips. Well, some people say

they won't eat anything that has a face. Really? Yeah. Yeah, there's like people who will eat... They'll eat things like... They'll eat like clams and they'll eat like some shellfish. They won't eat anything with a face.

What is that thing? Speaking of faces? It's an ass cheek, but it's got someone's mouth there. Not mine, though. It's some girl's. Brian just comes up with weird... It's weird. If you see those little weird-ass banners, we're talking about the thing that's on my website. It's on joerogan.net.

Any of those weird banners, it's all Brian's. You know, I like to throw in a lot of subliminal porn into it because it works. Yeah, I think that was... Because you're like, what the fuck is of subliminal porn into it because it works. Yeah, I think that was... Because you're like, what the fuck is this? And it makes you look at the poster. You can see some pussy lips down there by the end. Yeah.

It makes you look at the poster. Where a lot of times if it's just you with a microphone, it's like, okay, yeah, whatever. Right, you're right. You just... No, I love them, man. But I think if you just brighten the contrast in there, people would be even more excited. Where the end is. I feel like I could see something there. Yeah. Isn't it funny

that that's exciting, to almost see some tits or some pussy, but you can see just raw ass, dick and ass on the internet. Video. Yeah. That's why I can't live in a mountain, man, because if there's like end of the world shit happens, I need to be around pussy just in case I have to need it.

I got disgusted by porn last night. It's not even an end of i have to be i got disgusted by porn last night it's not even an end of the world thing you got disgusted it was like it was like overload it was just too much too too many days in a row it's where i was like yeah oh that's why are they doing this sometimes i overload the road on the road sometimes like it's too much porn i just i see it as like mating animals either that or this way where i just feel empathy for the women how about when you beat off and like only a dribble comes out because that's all you got left? Wow.

Like a three day or four day? Because you beat off like three times in a day. Yeah. And you think you're doing it because you're like trying to get some sleep. Like in the morning, like sometimes I wake up and I've got up too early. I'm like, I can sleep in. I need my sleep. Let me just jerk off real quick.

So I'll jerk off and then I'm like getting ready to go to the gym. I'm like having a little horny before I go to the gym. Maybe I should just jerk off. And So I'll jerk off and then I'm like getting ready to go to the gym. I'm a little horny. Before I go to the gym, maybe I should jerk off. Then I'll jerk off and then I'll go and do the show. Then I'll go do the show, do stand-up. Before you go to the show? For Jiu-Jitsu? Sometimes. I don't want to get hard on you.

I always watch before Jiu-Jitsu. Very conscientious. Listen, everybody jerks off and then goes to Jiu-Jitsu. Everybody that goes to Jiu-Jjitsu jerks off and then goes there it's just a matter of how long ago was that was it a month ago was it a year ago and if they like to wipe it or they go with it still that's true you never know man you never know you can't trust people trust no one but then i'll go get home from the gig i'll do a gig i'll be m mired, and then I'll get some sleep. So I'll beat off and I'll get some sleep. What about the times out of nowhere?

Oh! I was talking to Ari about this. He's a sprayer. When he jerks off, it just blows up. That happens to me once in a while and it surprises the fuck out of me. TMI! Why does it do that? Do you hold down the tip like a garden hose

and try to spray it? That's probably something like that. That's probably the way I do it. I don't know. Maybe he's just got a lot of fucking oomph behind his loads. I don't know. It's because your loads kind of sputter. No, but you know what?

It's whenever I get like a hand job or something. So it's not me. Oh, so it's a girl doing it. Or me if I'm doing it for whatever. It's like let me just fucking beat off. Or if she does it, it just fucking flies. Let's be honest about something. What is better?

What is better what is better getting a great load a great load shooting a great load or taking a great shit I would go with a great load a great load but not by much man not by much

sometimes you need to here's what you need to add to the question a great load or a great shit with the sandwich after here's the question you need to add you need to even it great load or a great shit. Is that a request? Why so much after? Here's the question.

You need to add. You need to even it up. Because how many times have you shot a load and then you realize, oh my God, now I have to talk to this crazy bitch that I just shot a load with and she's asking me dumb questions. You're trying to get the fuck out of there and you're tired and you realize you've got to drive an hour to get home. It doesn't matter. And she wants you to stay over and you're like, I can't.

I have to feed the dogs. Like any kind of craziness that goes on, you're like, oh can't, I have to feed the dogs. Like any kind of craziness that goes on, you're like, oh my God, what am I doing with my life? Whereas when you take a shit, there's none of that.

I think here's the deal. And that's just a load in your shit. I think you've just had sex a lot more than Brian and I. So you're just a little more interested in it than we are. We're like,

yeah, whatever. But we're like, what? Sex? It's like once a year. Every now and then I enjoy a good shit. I really appreciate

the morning ones. Sometimes you wake up and you're like, oh, Jesus. You get to the toilet. It's just like, because I eat a lot of salads. You know, my shit goes quick. So it's like, oh. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah.

See, my shit's always involved investigating and identifying. What? You go and look at your poop? Well, that's because, okay, Brian, you have to tell the truth. I was kidding. Brian has blood in his poop. What? No. What look at your poop? Well, that's because... Okay, Brian, you have to tell the plot. I was kidding. Brian has blood in his poop. What? No.

I get that once in a while. That's all right. Somebody was going to talk about that. No, I'm just... I made that up. I made that up. No. All right.

Once I had a hemorrhoid, and I had to get a... I already talked about that. Internal hemorrhoid. Yeah, internal hemorrhoid. Yeah, you did talk about that. I already talked about that. I believe. So that's why I have to investigate.

I get polluted poops sometimes. I just like it would bleed. So that's why I have to investigate. I get a bloated poos sometimes. I just like it. Whoa. What? It's just interesting to me. I find out when I go to a wife, I'm like, oh, was that a wetter shit? I was like, oh, no, it's super wet.

Did I ever tell a story about... I just like it. It doesn't hurt, though. Did I ever tell a story about when I first started wearing a cup in jiu-jitsu? I didn't used to wear a cup. Oh, yeah. And I had to start wearing a cup

because I was rolling with Einstein, and he was trying to pass my guard. And he slammed his knee right into my dick. Like, not even really. The shin hit my balls, but the knee hit the dick. But that pass, I'm surprised I didn't have it a lot more. Brian, why are you covering your head? Because I hate this story.

Oh, okay. Sorry. But think about it from here. He slammed it in my dick. It hurt so much. It was so fucking painful. But so I wait until I feel better. You know, I take a couple of minutes to in my dick. It hurt so much. It was so fucking painful. So I wait until I feel better. I take a couple of minutes to catch my breath.

And then we start rolling again. And I didn't think anything of it. Until I get changed. I go in the locker room. And I go to take my gi pants off. And I go to take my underwear off. Or my jock strap off. And it's filled with blood.

Filled with blood. Blood is leaking out of the tip of my dick. And I'm like, oh my god i broke my dick so then i go into the bathroom and pee so i go to pee and blood is just coming right out of the tip of my dick blood and urine so then i started thinking about it okay i got a problem i gotta do something now i got i got a problem i might have to get my dick fixed i'm like holy shit and then i thought about it i'm like okay but wait a minute if this was my nose if blood was coming out of my nose would i do anything about it no i And then I thought about it. I'm like, okay, but wait a minute. If this was my nose, if blood was coming out of my nose, would I do anything about it?

No, I wouldn't do shit about it. I would just let it heal. Okay, let's just let your dick heal and see how it goes. So I get home that night and I say, well, I don't know, man. Maybe I should go to the fucking doctor. Okay, if my dick can get hard, I'm not going to go to the doctor. So I jerked off. I jerked off and I shot a bloody load.

Was it pink? No, it was like a chicken egg that has the embryo in it. You know what I'm talking about? You get a chicken egg and the embryo's in it. It's like a little bloody. That's what it's like. That's in the Philippines.

That's a... Yeah, Balut. Now Balut is like an actual embryo, like a big-ass one. Much more close to... Kosher, if you get one drop of blood in what you get all the time, in an egg,

throw it out. Can't use it. So that you see them crack eggs separately and put them in the hole. No, it makes sense. You don't know what the fuck happened. get all the time in the egg throw it out can't use it so you see them crack eggs separately you got to get no it makes sense you don't know what the

fuck happened that thing's bleeding in there and that blood is just sitting well that means it's human life it has to be

killed differently not human life chicken life yeah well not only that it's probably smart for like health reasons that blood is just

sitting in that egg I think an egg can keep probably better than blood can you know who knows if the blood I mean that's just speculation

but anyway bottom line is I jerked off to see if my dick was okay. And I... No, it didn't feel that good. It wasn't like the best jerk-off session I've ever had. But then the next day, I peed blood a couple more times. I peed blood just a little bit less

every time for like three days. And then I stopped. There was no more blood. I said, I think it's okay. I think think it would only take one day and I would have freaked out when I came well it didn't hurt that's why I didn't google it at all no no thank god well I was thinking I was what I was worried about was it was gonna break you know I was like my dick isn't gonna work anymore yeah you know I'm in my I impotent. We have to cut it off. Ew. Imagine if you got gangrene, if it rotted, and you had to

hack your dick off. Oh, they have to rebuild one. They have to take a chunk out of meat out of your forearm. I saw that online. A dude had his dick rebuilt.

Or maybe it was like a woman who had a dick rebuilt to become a man. That could be. Or a fake dick. Oh, that's so crazy. Wouldn't you be concerned

at all at the time, and I'm not joking, that the doctor would be like, if you hadn't gotten hard so fast, would it be okay? But the fact that it broke that seal or something, you weren't worried about that? I was thinking that maybe my loads would purify whatever injury I had in there. My soldiers would go to work on it, patch it up. I thought urine would do that.

I think urine is supposed to heal things. So if you pee and you have a little wound inside your dick, it's probably good to piss out blood. It probably cleans it out. You're sterile. Yeah, urine's sterile. It's good for you. I bet it probably does.

But that was a close call. So from then on, I wear a cup. So no blood in my shit, but some bloody loads and some bloody pee-pee. Let's get cocked off to the white and red. Yeah, it was beautiful. Beautiful. I'm so glad I don't do shit. Let's get conscious of the white and red. Yeah, it's beautiful. Beautiful. What?

You're so glad what? I don't do shit that involves having to wear a cup so people won't hit my nuts so I don't pee blood. Yeah, well.

I never wore one. I never won one. Jiu-Jitsu, you should wear one, dude. I'll get an extra one on you too. He likes the runners. I never even wore it,

I swear. That sounds fishy. Yeah. I don't. Why does it smell like Bengay? No, no, no, no. I've tried it on, dude. Why is there smell like Bengay? No, no,

no, no. I've tried it on, dude. Why does it smear it with fucking Dave's Insanity Sauce and it won't even

kick in until you start sweating? Can you imagine? Oh my God, your dick would be on fire. I pissed once after I had a burrito

with Dave's Insanity Sauce and I just, I don't know, I must have got some residue on my finger and I touched the head of my dick and it was like, it was melting. Like a Mexican blowjob.

It was, what? Yeah. It's like that for all of us. Did I tell you about the sunflower seed peppers? Sunflower seed peppers? When I was in Israel, they had these huge sunflower seeds that were like that big. And so people would always take them from me when I sat at my desk. So I wanted to punish the people who didn't ask.

Oh, so you put peppers. So I spent all day and I crushed up habanero peppers, took the seeds out and put one seed inside each sunflower seed. Oh my God. And then if people...

I would leave that in front so people ask, I'd be like, no, no, here's the normal ones. But if they wouldn't, they'd just fucking get it. Most people can't stand the heat. But did not wash off my hands,

peed, and just had to shower with my pants around my ankles. And like, it just started, I was like, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. It's like this, it's like... Yeah. And you're like, what's happening? You put soap on it. You put oh oh oh oh it's like this it's like yeah and you're like

what's happening you put soap on it water how about dudes to get their dick tattooed yeah what the fuck man how much must that hurt ah the sensitive area hasn't built up any tolerance Jesus Christ maybe it feels really good it feels awesome getting your dick tattooed yeah maybe it's just like hard sex. But probably not. Harder! Brian wants to get fucked. That's what he's trying to say.

Brian wants to... I wonder if anybody's tattooed a dick and had him cum on them while they were tattooing. Oh my God. Can you imagine? Who cares if that happened? Right when you put the dragon wings on the balls,

he just squirts all over you. They definitely have gotten hard before during tattoos. That's definitely happened. Not even on purpose. Not even on purpose. It could just be incidental. Especially like really crazy, freaky, gay bondage type dudes.

Has Bravo been on that tattoo show yet? Yeah. I don't know if it's aired. No, that's what I mean. It's definitely. Yeah, is it aired? I don't know. I mean, I think they filmed the whole season in advance.

And he just did it a couple months ago. It's a good ass tattoo, man. That chick, she's a really good artist. Eddie Bravo got his grandmother tattooed on his chest yeah incredible artwork man I fucking love those tattoos I don't have any of them but I love those portraits yeah it'd be creepy I mean it is creepy creepy like oh my god well unless it's unless it means something you like for Eddie his grandmother was like the person who really cared about him when he was a kid right Some dude that went to high school with you.

That would be nuts! Imagine if you went to high school with a kid and then all of a sudden you run into him and he's got you tattooed on his arm. He'd be like,

listen man, it's ironic, we just picked you out of the yearbook at random, don't be weird about it. You ever see that crazy bitch that's got

I'm gonna kill you Ray Romano tattooed on her back? No! Yeah. Does she hate Ray Romano? No, she just did it because Everybody Loves Raymond

was out. Oh. Did she get that tattooed tattooed as a tramp stamp it says I'm gonna kill you Ray Romano

and so she's taking pictures out people are oh yeah it's on the internet how crazy is that bitch I mean if that bitch ever

has kids the kids can never take her seriously they're like mom listen to me you dumbass I'm gonna kill you Ray Romano

on your fucking back who's Ray Romano there was a popular sitcom. Bad decisions, you dumb bitch. That might have been your best impression, Brian. Hey, it's Kermit the Frog.

No, it's Ray Romano. He's hilarious. That guy, I started working with him way, way back in the early 90s. We did Jimmy's Comedy Alley. I think it was in Queens, somewhere in New York, I think it was in Queens, and he was the headliner and I was the middle. I got to see him when he was at his peak. He was a really, really good stand-up man. When he came back to it, he was good, too.

Yeah. It was interesting. Well, he's always good. He's just got great delivery, you know? He's just a, and he's a super nice guy. Was he super clean back then? Yeah, he's always been kind of clean.

You know? I mean, not completely clean. Like, he did a bit on Kevin and Bean's show last year. Yeah. The April Foolishness.

Hilarious bit. About, uh, if guys could blow ourselves, we would have to wear, like, a dog collar. It was really funny.

Get more into it? No, so you couldn't, so you keep your husband from blowing himself. You would have to put out, like, one of those dog collars.

Oh, girls would have to. It was very funny, man. It was a really good bit. Did I make, like, Bob or something? No, no you couldn't keep your husband from blowing himself? You would have to put out one of those hot dogs? Oh, girls would have to. It was very funny, man. It was a really good bit. Did I make fun of it or something? No, no, no. It was very funny. And he had a bunch of good stuff.

Even stuff about his son pooping. You think it's his innocent joke, but it's really well-worded and great timing and a really good economy of words. He's a really good craftsman you know with his material that's why his show was so funny that guy

I met him you know years and years ago did you steal his job I did I didn't steal somebody else stole it I know

luckily somebody else stole it I stole it from that guy who the guy on the pilot stole it yes he got it and then they

they didn't want him for the actual show and then they hired me that's what happened so I didn't I didn't feel bad there was already a guy before me

I just took it from him but Ray was a friend, you know, so it was weird to run into him, you know. But then all of a sudden he got his show,

which was like a hundred times more successful than most radio. And it was perfect because he controlled the whole thing. And when we were hanging out when he first got the show,

it was me and him and Kevin, Kevin James, we were all eating dinner at Jerry's Deli and Ray was like obsessed. He was like, um, maybe if I have the guy

come in like this and just kept going. He was like obsessed. That's his own and Ray was like obsessed with it. Maybe if I have the guy come in like this and just kept going. He was like obsessed. That's his own show? Yeah, just putting it together perfectly. You know, he was really like trying to construct

it in his head. You know, he was obsessed with it. It wasn't any good luck at all with him. I heard with him that he had taped this HBO special

back when it really meant something and they were holding it for like a year, year and a half where they're like, no, we're not ready to release it because we want to they were holding it for like a year year and a half where they're like no we're not ready to release it

because we want to do this and he's like come on I'm broke I need some money please people will see it right

well that's always a concern that's always a concern when you have a special and you film it you don't own it and this is back before the internet

you know you could really get crazy and go you know I'm going to fucking release this on the internet you guys can suck my dick if you're really that crazy you know if they caught you I'm going to fucking release this on the internet. You guys can suck my dick if you're really that crazy. You know, if they caught you though, you'd be fucked.

If they caught you and they could prove that you took away the profits for your own thing. Like, they pulled my shit from YouTube. My own shit. Yeah. I've had that. Yeah. That's nuts. When your own bits get pulled off your own YouTube page.

Brian gave me the advice. He has a copyright. He heard the HBO set. He said, don't say HBO. Because they'll do searches for that. Ah, that's very smart. Of Brian. That's right.

Yeah, do you put that up online, your HBO set? Some of it. Are they going to do more of those, the down and dirties? No. No more? No.

They didn't like it? I don't think they got ratings or something. They didn't promote it very well either. Yeah, not really. HBO does not really handle comedy that well. It's just they decide to promote it. Yeah, which they decide to promote.

But too often, it seems like they're just trying to put things that are different. That new one is all sober comedy. That's a new series with Boss and Norton. Oh, really? All sober people. The good thing about that is a lot of the guys that are sober are sober for a reason. Oh, right. Yeah, absolutely.

So they've got some great stories. Oh, no, it ain't church sobriety. This is like, I fucked up my life sobriety. There's a lot of dudes like that. There was a lot of dudes that were doing the clean Christians comedy. Christian tour, yeah. Making bank loads. Oh, my God.

And they would do like arenas. Yeah. They would do arenas, like big church arenas in the south, like giant fucking places. And just terrible, terrible hat need comedy. And he came in and he said,

ma'am, that's not my hat. Seriously though. It's all for him. It's all for the grace. Just really like, you know, and this is a big push for that

with a lot of people. Like they want the lowest standard possible. You're going to submit, you're going to broadcast the lowest possible standard. And there's so many people that want to hear that, whether it's in country music or it's Sarah Palin talking. They want no difference between you and them. You are just as smart as them. You don't talk down.

In fact, you talk them up and make them out to be much more than they really are. And that's like a big push. And if you're religious, it's for the grace of God or whatever. They get into it. It's like, cool. It's so crazy. Yeah. It's so spooky that we've gotten.

Our culture has made things so easy for idiots to survive. It's so, I mean, most of what. There's so many people that do so many different things that are so useless. And they're going to be replaced by robots. He said on the Simpsons Ned Flair is what they watch a comedy concert

and he goes that was the worst Christian rock concert I've ever seen he goes to take a sentence it's Chris Rock and he goes

so many F words that's hilarious oh that's hilarious the worst Christian rock show ever that's hilarious yeah I just think it's so easy to be a retard these days

because there's so many other people that you join with. Did you ever see the video? I think the guy was a comic who interviewed these people waiting to see Sarah Palin at a book signing. There was like a whole

fucking giant line of people and it's like three degrees outside. They're freezing their ass off and they're waiting for hours to come in and meet Sarah Palin. And so this dude goes and interviews them and asks them questions. What do you like about Ms. Palin's policies?

It's all the same nonsense. Nobody has a clue. But in all fairness, I've seen the same thing with Obama. You know, when they interview people that they're related to Obama, they just know he's black and he's talking really good

and he's good. Who did the thing? I think it was Baba Booey or Stuttering John or something. It might have been Stern or it might have been Leno. It might have been someone else completely. But they went downtown and asked about, what do you think about Obama? What do you think of his running mate, Sarah Palin? People are like, oh, I think she's great.

I think she's great. Are you a Democrat or a Republican? They're like, Republican. And they're like, what about Joe Biden? It's been like that forever. I watched that gonzo that Dr. Hunter S. Thompson back in the 1970s

when he was riding fear and loathing on the campaign trail. It was the same thing. They were asking all these different people, like, who are you voting for? And no one had a fucking clue. Yeah, why? No, not that guy. No, not that guy. Who the fuck are you voting for? And that guy's vote counts just as much as a scholar. Yeah, they're like, who the fuck are you voting for? And that guy's vote counts, just as much as a scholar.

Yeah, they're like, Obama, so he wants to go to war with Iraq more. How do you feel about that? Well, I'm for it. Do you think that Obama has any say, or do you think it's all horseshit? What do you think literally happens when you win? Do you think that you've been briefed before you ever win, and said this is what's going to happen, you're going to be given an agenda, you're going to be asked to follow a certain protocol.

You will consult with these people before any decision, before any press conference. It will be reviewed. I think there's some of that, but I think they're also just met with checks and balances. It's way harder to get things done than you think. You have to make allegiances and you have to give certain things in order to get all. Definitely. There's definitely a lot of that. If you want to just get something done, it's not to make allegiances, and you have to give certain things in order to get, like, all... Definitely. You know? Definitely. There's definitely a lot of that.

There's definitely a lot of politics. And if you want to just get something done, it's not that easy. No. No, it's not. But, okay, but what's with, like, him saying that he wants... Was it all bullshit? That he didn't want to have troops over there? And then all of a sudden he pulls them out of Iraq and sends them off to Afghanistan?

What does that all do? Well, because I think he realized, like, oh, I can't just pull them out. That creates a vacuum of power that'll be, you know, terrible. Right. What I wanted to do, now I know more, and I can't do pull them out that creates a vacuum of power that'll be you know terrible and right what i wanted to do now i know more and i can't is that what it does you know what i think what they've got to do at some point in time they've got to have some math if they really want to to get people to like the united states and other countries there has to be some massive goodwill operation where we go to these impoverished countries these places that have been wrecked by war by devastation by all these different things that are going on

and we have to help the fuck out of them because if we don't do that then other people are gonna look at us and go what what is why would we look up to the United States just because it used to be just because it's a biggest superpower because they have the most missiles you know why would we give a fuck about them and if the people at the very top aren't the most generous, then the whole system below you seems unfair and people get fucking pissed off. There's something in the Old Testament where it's the light unto the nations. Yes.

Lead by example of what you want them to do. Sure. If you're in that position, if you're in the position to be generous, if you're in the position to help, if you're in the position... We're just ganking shit. That's the problem. We want the oil. Fuck you. Give us that natural gas. Suck it. Where're just ganking shit. That's the problem. We want the oil. Fuck you.

Give us that natural gas. Suck it. You know, where's those poppy seeds? Where's the heroin grown? Right here? Shut the fuck up and sit down. We're bringing in guns and tanks and fucking jets and we're going to have spaceships that fly around you by remote control and shoot missiles into canyons and shit.

Dude, you ever watch those videos online? They have videos of them launching missiles from like helicopters and shit at these people that are walking with donkeys. I mean, it's fucking nuts, man. Should they be walking there? They're walking. You see them, like, walking up the hill. Like, we've got the target. Shall we engage?

And you see it, like, in this, like, in the red. Do they have arms in the donkey's cage or something? Who knows? Who the fuck knows what they're doing? I mean, you know, it could have been somebody who said the wrong thing to some fucking general. Who knows? I don't know what they did. I mean, I'm, it could have been somebody who said the wrong thing to some fucking general. Who knows? I don't know what they did. I mean, I'm just

watching a video. It could be that they're, you know, some high-level operatives and they're moving through their secret cave hideouts and who the fuck knows.

John Heffron's watching. Powerful John Heffron. That was the... I got something else to say. Also, the comedy club at Skyline Comedy in Wisconsin. Confident acting class.

What are you saying? Skyline Comedy Club is watching and they were like, come to Appleton, Wisconsin. Where's John class. What are you saying? Skyline Comedy Club is watching and they were like come to Appleton, Wisconsin. Where's John Heffron playing next? Where is John Heffron

playing next? I've only been to Wisconsin once and went to some crazy summer festival that they have. Really? Yeah, it was awesome.

It was outside and a tent. Thousands of people. Was it awesome outside? Yeah, it was a really great crowd but it was like a lot of people

with babies and shit and I'm saying oh, it was nasty shit. I this nasty i'm like i'm sorry folks babies don't bother me nearly as much yeah there was kids too man there was everybody and i was i did all my because there was a lot of young people in the front like it was a majority it was like hundreds and hundreds of young people and then behind them there was like a mixed bag but the people that were sitting were all like you know your average comedy club audience there was like a mixed bag. But the people that were sitting were all like, you know, your average comedy club audience. There was just a bunch of people outside. And the people were standing up and walking around. And it's in a big, giant tent.

It was so strange. Yeah. But I only did it once because I was too dirty. They would not have me back. John Heffron's in Atlanta. Where's he at? Punchline? Punchline.

Powerful John Heffron. Very, very funny guy. Funnier every time I see him. Go see him. John Heffron's great, very funny guy. Funnier every time I see him. Go see him. John Heffron's great. He should come to Arizona. Well, I think John Heffron will tell you that he would love to come to Arizona if the improv comes

with the shekels. You know what I'm saying? You gotta come with the shekels for my man John Heffron. So what do you think about Lil Wayne? Lil Wayne went to jail. It's about time. You think so? Just another one. Ari, Little Wayne, he is crazy tattooed up.

Have you seen how much he's tattooed up? His whole body's done. Yeah, we've got to put that online for people who haven't seen it because it's fucking bizarre. Like, it's so crazy. Like, it's hard to believe that this dude has this many tattoos. I mean, like, his whole body's fucking tattooed. Oh. Ready to wrap it up.

Shut the fuck up. We're looking for Lil Wayne tattoos. We need some coffee, son. I got so much shit to do. What do you have to do? I have to go to Macy's. Okay. Sounds hard.

What are you going to do there? Right away, I would never trade lives with you. Right off the bat, that just sounds so horrible that there's no way I wish I'd have found my worst enemy. Okay, got to go to Macy's. Got to go to Macy's. Yeah.

It's hard to find a new one. Oh, here's a good one. Here's a good new one. God damn, this dude's got a lot of tattoos. Look at this shit. Oh my God. That's incredible. Cash money? Yeah. Nice. This is incredible. He's in a position where it really just doesn't matter. He's not going to get man that's nuts

mmm it's crazy man dude just went off and tattooed his whole body that's like a big dude all at once no I don't know man soldier boy seems to have that soldier boy dude did the same thing tattooedtooed his face, tattooed his hands, tattooed his chest, his whole arms. I mean, he just went nutty. If you're Googling Soulja Boy, you can't find it. You're spelling it wrong. Yeah, it's like a brother, Soulja, S-O-U-L-J-A, holla. Also Google Soulja Boy ice cream kitty.

Ice cream kitty. Yeah. Powerful, Shafir. Shafir, you've got to unblock me from your Twitter. Don't be rude. I can't even follow you. You find that rude. You guys both fucking bug me too much.

We don't want to bug you. You know we can still read it, right? What? You know we can still read it. You can do whatever you want. You just have to go make a search for it. I promise I won't bug you anymore. No, it still lets you just go to your...

We can go to the website and see. That's not true. No, it is. Oh, you go to the website, yeah. It doesn't come up in your stream. No, not on this. Not on TweetDeck. But we can always go to your page

and see what you're up to. Yeah. Come on, man, put us back in. But you can't fuck with me when I complain about wanting to commit suicide. I won't. I won't fuck with you

about anything anymore. Right. You don't really want to commit suicide. You just want to be happier. Right? Wouldn't you rather if you had the two options? Right. Well, that's like saying you don't really want to commit suicide. You just want to be happier. Right? Wouldn't you rather if you had the two options? Right. Well, that's like saying you don't really want to throw a touchdown pass.

You just want to win. However I get there is fine. It's not like that. I don't know if it's like that. It's not like that at all. Look at this. Life's a gamble. That's what Lil Wayne has to say about it.

His whole body is like a fortune cookie. He's got little fortune cookie sayings all over his body. Wow, it's so weird. That's like really fucking, really bad tattoos, man. It's weird. That's a real trend, that guys are getting these really bad tattoos. It's like prison tattoos. But the crazy thing is, you know, he calls himself a gangster and all this crazy shit, but he goes to jail, and the first thing he did was go into protective custody. Oh, because they're afraid of...

How do you do that? You just apply? That's a good question, man. I think you just say, you know... Does it have that in the plea ahead of time? Like, you can't put him in general population? You can't say, my client is, you know, a very wealthy man who, you know, a lot of people

could get a name off beating him up and he's not a very big man and he's concerned for safety. One of my favorite things is when idiots like us try to walk through the law and what we would say

to the judge in order to get things done when we're only going up old, long episodes that we're sort of guessing. Yeah, old episodes of the Fall Guide. I think what you would have to do

is tell the judges, Your Honor. I don't even know what to call them. Do you remember when TV shows had you convinced that you could tell, like if a cop was like, like an undercover cop,

you'd say, Are you a cop? And they'd have to tell you the truth. Truth what? Yeah, I'm a cop. You got me. You got off this time, lefty. But next time, you're not.

Are you? Yeah, they would never answer that right. You guys me. You got off this time, lefty. But next time you're not. Are you? Yeah, they were never going to answer that right. You guys are never going to trick me. Like, what? They would never do that. They don't have to tell you they're cops. That's ridiculous. You're doing something illegal.

A cop can let you do that illegal shit. They can do illegal shit with you. They can do fucking cocaine with you to arrest you for cocaine. How about that? That's legal. They can get away with it. How nutty is that? Because if they go undercover, they're going to have to do drugs for cocaine. How about that? That's legal. They can get away with it. How nutty is that? Because if they go undercover,

they're going to have to do drugs with you. If you're doing drugs and you want to be a part of some motorcycle gang and the motorcycle gang is doing drugs, you've got to do drugs with them. There's no way you're not going to be able to. But yeah, on TV, they're always like, I don't want to just dump it off the side

with the one special episode where they had to do it. Yes, exactly. They throw it. They fake it. Oh, amazing stuff. Give you an antidote pill. This will immediately nullify the cocaine. So as soon as you take it, make your way into the bathroom.

You almost got a new drug. Great for job interviews. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you hear about that all the time with DEA agents. The DEA agents get addicted to drugs because they have to do them with these fucking people to get in with them. And then also, I think, they just see that fucking lifestyle and they become crazy. They see how many people are getting away with it.

I think if you were in the position to really be investigating drugs in this country you would see there's so much drugs coming in it's like an unstoppable force and you would start wondering what are we putting our resources towards? Why isn't this shit legal where they can tax it and make money off of it? Why can't they just go after the illegal people? It's just like prohibition. When prohibition happened in the 30s all that that shit did, or in the 20s, it was like, what was it then, like 1933 or something like that?

All it did was just made people that were more dangerous sell it. Made people that weren't afraid to break the law. It just made organized crime stronger. It kept it out of a lot of people's hands. It must have. Do you think so? Yes, it must have. I don't know, man.

I think it made people angry about getting busted with it and selling it, but I think people want to get drunk. I know, but aren't going to break the law or really risk it, you know? There's a lot of people who are like, oh, I guess we can't have it anymore.

I mean, did you ever research it or are you just speculating? I'm just speculating, completely. But if they made cigarettes illegal, completely illegal, there's a lot of people who would stop smoking. I wonder if it would be like

Catholic schoolgirls and being whores. Right. Because not all whores, though. They're not all whores. There's a lot of people who would stop smoking. I wonder if it would be like Catholic school girls and being whores. Right. They're not all whores though. They're not all whores. There's a disproportionate amount. Let me tell you something. Growing up around a lot of Catholic school girls

it was common knowledge amongst my friends that Catholic school girls go the fuck off. That's crazy. Because religious Jewish school? No. No, they're not.

Well, I think Catholicism is so ridiculous that I think even like look, when you're dealing with a religion where a gigantic percentage of the men who are in power are fucking little kids. Another one got caught. They said he was gay.

Another anti-gay rights Oh no, that was Roy Ashburn. Yeah, that was the guy who was behind Proposition 8. He got caught. He admitted he was gay. But that guy's not a priest. He's not fucking kids. He's just gay. You're like, they're all the same. Faggots, fucking pedophiles. You lump this guy

in with a pedophile priest. But that religion is so ridiculous that there's a giant percentage of the men who are pushing this religion are also fucking horrible pedophiles that ruin people's lives. If you know anybody that's Catholic, if you grew up in a Catholic community, you know a bunch of people that have been molested.

Everybody knows somebody. I know two people that got hit on by priests. I know my friend Tony, he had a fight off a priest and my friend John had a fight off a priest. They get attacked. These priests fucking drool on them and breathe on them and pull their dicks. And my friend Bo.

Another dude. I know three dudes. I know three dudes that got attacked. they're all Catholic. I know a girl who got money from a settlement. Dude, there's so many settlements. If you stop and look,

do you know New Mexico has some crazy ass fucking law, or they used to at one point in time, where you could, if you had sex with a girl, like a man could not

have sex with a girl like his normal age, like the age of consent was like 18, but if a man had sex with a boy, the age of consent was like 13. But if a man had sex with a boy, the age of consent was like 13.

Really? It's fucking crazy. And the reason why supposedly this was enacted is that the Catholic Church put pressure on them to keep this in place so they could fucking

ship all their crazy sweet boy ass to New Mexico. I don't know if this is true. This is all speculation. This is all on the internet. But I do know

that the fact, no, that's speculation. The fact is that the age of consent for male to boy was 13. That's fucking nuts, man. Same sex males was like 13. Whereas opposite sex, like boys and girls,

what's really crazy now is this sexting thing, man. Where kids are going to jail for child pornography because they're taking pictures of their pussy. They really, they came down at some point

with like a no tolerance. I don't care if you made it, you can't have it on your hard drive, no one can have it. And with those laws, like we can't make an exception for anyone.

They're attacking sluts for sending pictures of their pussy to guys. They're attacking girls for being silly. It's basically the same thing. Well, they said this. I'll show you mine.

We all played that when we were kids. But then the problem is then it gets out to fucking pedophiles and makes them go crazy. That's why they said they don't want anyone to have it. I've talked about this. I'll show you yours, I'll show you mine. We all played that when we were kids. But then the problem is then it gets out to fucking pedophiles and makes them go crazy. That's why they said they don't want anyone

to have it. I've talked about this twice by the way. Really? So we're talking about it again. The point is, send us some sweet pictures

of your 13-year-old bush. Right. This is important shit. It's a fascinating goddamn story. It's important to talk about. Why? Shut the fuck up.

Don't cut the juicy conversation. It's fascinating shit, man. The idea that you can put kids in jail because they take pictures of their pussy. You know, the dude sends a picture of his dick to some girl in school and now he's locked in a cage. You know, that's silly. People throughout time, there's a charge in whipping your dick out. If you cover someone's dick up, they're going to want to whip it out. You know, we all live naked and free.

You know, you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. But then people would start fucking way earlier. Yeah. Right? If we all lived naked and free, you wouldn't be able to trust anybody everywhere. Someone would actually

fuck by accident. It would have to happen. I wonder how much suppression, you know, we really have by walking around naked. Like, how much different we'd be

if we walked around naked. You know, by walking around all clothed up, I wonder how much more different our behavior is. I will tell you this. This is a comparison is that

so any sort of nudity is like a novelty when I was showing up in a guillotine when I wouldn't touch women you know when I would touch them

even on the arm or something it was like an electric sort of feel way more sexual so I think covering up and stopping yourself makes you more sexual

so that if you're completely unclothed you'd be way calmer makes it more urgent when I first came to LA and I first acted in a sitcom, I didn't like being here. I didn't like this. The whole sitcom situation was really bad. There's a lot of negative energy in the set, a lot of fighting going on between the network and the producers and the writers. And I'd broken up with my girlfriend and I moved out here

and we were still talking on the phone, but I didn't know anybody here. I was out here for a few weeks. I didn't talk to anybody. I didn't hang out with anybody. And then this chick, we were laughing about something. She gave me a hug on the set. And she gave me a hug, and it was the best feeling in the world. It wasn't like a regular hug. She hit me with this hug, and I was like, it was like I needed it. She gave me a glass of water.

Like, ugh. And it was just a hug, man. She was just being nice, and she gave me a nice hug, and rubbed my back, and I was like, wow, she was just being nice and she gave me a nice hug and rubbed my back and I was like wow that felt so good I just felt you need that shit human contact

yeah if you go like a few weeks or a month without touching anybody that guy that we were talking about earlier that lives in the Arctic he went I think

8 months at one point by himself just up there hunting and he said it was way too much he said he went crazy that guy's just living wild man you gotta see

that's on VBS TV I think his name is Heimo Heimo's Arctic Refuge just look up actually sending one crazy. That guy's just living wild, man. You've got to see this on VBS TV. I think his name is Heimo. Heimo's Arctic Refuge. Just look up ArcticVBS.tv. It's fucking incredible, man. Like, one of the most incredible documentaries ever. You stop and think about it.

Like, this guy's chosen to live like that in this day and age, whereas we think if we had to live like that, it would be hell. Like, Brian, how do you think you would feel if, like, all of a sudden civilization dropped off, there was no power, and you had to fucking light fires with wood and kill animals

to stay alive, and it was fucking freezing cold out and you were in animal skins and shit? It would be awful. That's why I couldn't live on top of a mountain. I couldn't be like that, because if that shit did happen, I don't want to be on top of a mountain doing it all by myself. I want to be around civilization. But what if know, around civilization.

But what if you're around civilization and there's no food, no one's growing anything, there's a lot of mooches and chaos. That's when you want to be somewhere

self-sustaining, right? Yeah, but I mean, it's, I think it's, like, I mean, my family grew up on farms, so, you know, to me it's just like,

wow, what, you just plant some food, you know, everything, by the time the food runs out, you know, by the time the food

runs out, we'll have tomatoes, we'll have, you know. You have to have a serious out, we'll have tomatoes. We'll have, you know. You have to have a serious work ethic to run a farm. So you can't stock off in three weeks. I didn't know anything about farms until I started working for the UFC. And then you start talking to guys who are farmers. Yeah, guys who are real farmers.

You know, talk to like Matt Hughes and all these guys. When they do like in-depth reports on these guys and their life. You know, Tommy Spears is another one. Like they offered him a fight recently and uh... he couldn't take the fight because he was in the middle of harvest well it's like that's real shit you know guys they're they're out there they're fucking working man they're working all day everyday and it's brutal it's hard work

there's like a mentality that a lot of these guys love the work there's something something very satisfying something, something that goes back to our days when we first discovered agriculture. It's like a visceral human reaction. You feel rewarded for having produced all this food. There's a fable that... So much juice shit. There's a fable that God, because he loves his children,

gave us a plentiful cattle and crops without us having to work for it at all. And the man went crazy and started warring on his shelf. So then he took that power away and then you had to actually toil the soil and then people were way calmer. Brian, what are you doing? Why are you unplugging?

I gotta take off. Yeah, I gotta take off too. Okay, don't just unplug. Is the show still going on? Oh no, it's not doing anything. I'm not having a bad day. What are you doing, son? Calm down, Joe. I don't even know what we were just talking about. I'm not having batteries. What are we doing, son? Calm down, Joe.

I don't even know what we were just talking about. I don't know either. What were we just talking about, Brian? Farms and... Yeah, I think that's why hunting... This guy, Kaimo, I think that's his name, that lived in the Arctic, that's why he was talking about

how satisfying it is to be a hunter and gatherer. You know, that he thinks that that's where civilization fell apart. That man is most happy when he's out there providing for himself he says he loves it he loves living up there just hunting and fishing and getting his food that way

it makes him happy it's like fuck it go for it maybe there's something to it though maybe if you did it too it would be like ultra stimulating

maybe I mean I think first of all I think it's one of everybody's different situations he loves it other people wouldn't but he's doing like

natural exercise every day every day he's hiking and he's shooting caribou and he's dragging the caribou back, and he's cutting the meat, and he's hanging it up. He's not lazy in front of his computer all day long. No, he's got a laptop, but he's not online. It's fucking incredible, man. It's really, what a wild way to live your life.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's it, right? Yeah. This is a long-ass one. Two and a half hours, bitches. That's how we roll we are going to be at the Tempe Improv this Thursday

Friday Saturday jump on it Saturday night is basically sold out there's only like 20 tickets left this morning

the second show is 20 tickets left the first show is sold out and so it's going to go quick thank you very much everybody

we appreciate you tuning in every week you can get it on iTunes now if you go to iTunes the Joe Rogan podcast is up and you can download all the ones that we had before.

It's all thanks to that man. Thank you to that man. Thank you to Brian. Brian put it all together. He designed my new web class. He's the motherfucker, ladies and gentlemen. Powerful, super genius computer wizard. That's it, folks. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next week. Holla. Later.