The Joe Rogan Experience - #111 - Al Madrigal

Episode Date: June 6, 2011

Joe sits down with Al Madrigal.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Al Magico, my friend. Thank you very much for joining us. Sure. It's good to see you, buddy, as always. And you came here with great news. As you pulled up, you said that you're a correspondent now on The Daily Show. Yeah, that happened. And actually, I did my first piece, I think, like two weeks ago.

That's awesome, dude. And it was one of the most incredible things because you want to be on that show that and part of something you really like i mean it's like you at the ufc this is something you enjoy and so you're a part of it it's like now i'm i'm on um i go both ways on the daily show in one way i love it i think it's a great show i love it's so smart you know some of his uh those the breakdowns that he does and stories and news they're just so brilliant and he's so good at it now and so comfortable at it now he's my favorite talk show host by by yeah it's him and jimmy kimmel my two favorites yeah but he's so john stewart's so fucking smooth and he's so

good it's like that show is like you know it's like, you know, it's like, to me, it's like way better than being on Saturday Night Live. And in terms of like, him being loose and having a good time. Yeah. That's it.

People tell you, always tell you that with stand-up, have a good time. Right. And it's just really, that's an important part of it. I've done,

I did his show once and it was really cool. I think at least once, but I did it once when Fear Factor was coming out and it was, he was really funny. He's just, uh, he's, he's so fucking smooth and good at it. You know, that to be on that show is like, God, that you just nailed an honor. Yeah. And I'm not, it really, and one of the coolest things, it's like in considering the past comics they've had on and comic actors, Rob Riggle, Eddie Holmes, Corddry, you go on and the people that they've had on and comic actors Rob Riggle Eddie Holmes Corddry you go on

and the people that they have on now and you know just going to Louis Black and Wyatt Sinek and just Larry Wilmore so here are all

these comics and it does an incredible amount for your career and I'm still at the point with stand up it's not a lot of people know me

because I haven't been on anything that's really stuck you know a friend of mine went to see you a few years ago my buddy David Hurwitz who's one of the producers of Fear Factor and I haven't been on anything that's really stuck. You know, a friend of mine went to see you a few years ago, my buddy David Hurwitz, who's one of the producers of Fear Factor, and he didn't know you. He went to see, there was a bunch of people, some sort of a benefit.

I don't remember who the comics were, but it was you, it was years back. You went up, and I remember he called me up, and he goes, God, I forget this fucking guy's name, but he was so good. He goes, he was doing all this shit about his kids. I go, Al Magical? He goes, yes! Yes! Oh, that's cool. Yeah. name but he was so good he goes he was doing all this shit about his kids i go al magical he goes yes yes yeah so he was he and this was you know this was years ago you're one of those guys to me that your your talent and like your your ability and how funny you are on stage it people haven't caught up to it yet you're you're you're fucking hilarious dude you're

really really funny i really appreciate that because it that because I chose to take on doing longer stories, you know, and that's what I really enjoy doing. Yeah. But it takes a while to, as you know, with the bigger chunk. Like one-liners that come in,

but the bigger chunk. It's hard to keep people on the hook. And then to say goodbye to them because you don't want to do them anymore and you're always hoping that another story comes up. And it's like, oh, I hope some shit happens to me quick your stuff is so fun man it's really good it's really good solid stand-up that's why i'm like you know you where you are in the public eye it's uh your talent far exceeds that i think and i think a show like this is just gonna let

people see your stuff yeah it already comes come see Al live, okay? Because, goddammit, TV sets... TV sets are like a commercial. It's a commercial for the live show. The live show is the real deal. Sure, and I do tend to... I've been sort of snapping

on people a little bit, but I interact. In the audience? Yeah. I can't. Well, just, like, for example, the other day at the... You know, and I insist

on being a glutton for punishment and going to the store, and there's this black girl on her phone. Oh no. And I address it right away. She's not even looking up. And I say, hey, how you doing?

She refuses to get off it. So I'm talking to her the whole time, but she's going to make a point and be stubborn. Oh my God. And I'm going to be stubborn at the same time and I'm not going to let her off the hook. So it's me like, and I can't help but address it. So I think when you get in a live show is, yeah, that loose atmosphere where, I mean, and you've had me at a couple of these Sal's shows. That message to that woman's phone was, by the way, this is your doctor.

You have breast cancer, and your child's on fire. Yeah, yeah. No, they try to say that a lot of times. Sometimes when you catch somebody on the phone, they'll go, well, I don't have a sitter and I have my kids, so. And they try to make you feel bad and make some shit up

about those fake kids that they have. Even if you do have kids, you should know you're being annoying to other people. Yeah, go outside. I have no problem with people going outside. I got in a big beef in South by Southwest because some asshole had his iPad 2 out the day after it came out.

So he's sort of showing everybody, I got an iPad 2, and check it out. Is he filming you? Front row. No, he's not filming. He's tweeting. We found out that he was tweeting to 32 people in the front row.

And I go, dude, put away your iPad. Everybody knows you got an iPad. It's nice. I go, if you're a reporter or a journalist and you're on an iPhone or iPad in the back, you're in the front row and i go dude put away your ipad everybody knows you got ipad it's nice i go if you're a reporter or journalist and you're on an iphone or ipad in the back you're in the front row there shouldn't be this disconnect between audience you know audience you're at a live show quit look me in the face you know right and don't i hate it when i'm at the laugh factory and people look in the fucking monitors that are on the side and now there's this guy with this ipad too and so i had to be i told him i was gonna put my foot through it now i was gonna put my foot through his face because he got shitty with me you have temper i forgot about that you

have a huge temper you want you wanted to hurt this person physically uh yeah a little bit i mean i was trying then i tried to bring it around. What if he was crazy, man? He was crazy. He did jump up. He did jump up. Really? I feel like I'm in a good position. I don't know if I would have fought at that point, but I love the vantage point of a comedian. Being up high? They'd have to go down low, and then immediately. You would get the first shot off, yeah.

Yeah. But if he was a big, crazy guy, you said he was big? No, he was a little foreigner. A little foreigner? Yeah. Strutting around his big crazy guy, you said he was big? No, he was a little foreigner. A little foreigner? Yeah. Strutting around his fucking iPad. That's what it was. A little foreigner says Al Madrigal.

Yeah. Oh, I... You get lumped into the Latino comedy thing. You did for a little while, right? No, no. Still, I mean... Still? I'm getting a lot of those shows and the opportunities that...

Because I feel like it's like with Greg Giraldo, who I loved as a comic, and I thought he was just incredible. But he was a comic, and I thought he was just incredible. But he was a comic, period. Just a comic. Yeah. That's why I didn't even know I was a Latino comic until I fucking moved to L.A. They do all those Chocolate Sundays shows. They used to have me do the Guido.

I did the Guido show a few times at the comedy store. But it's like, man, I don't want to be on the show with these fucking guys just because we share some patch of dirt where our grandparents fucked. I just think comic first. And then I think those guys, also a lot of Latino comics, you end up doing those same Latino shows over and over and over again. And then when you finally get put in a situation that they're ill-prepared to handle regular people that aren't specifically Latino. I'm so glad that there's a lot of different styles, though. I'm glad that there's black comedy. I'm glad there's Latino comedy.

I'm glad because it's very interesting seeing what different cultures and different sections of society, what they laugh at, what they think is funny, and when they cross over and when they don't. Because there's a lot of really funny white comics that go up in black rooms and eat dicks. Yeah. And it's just a different fucking thing. First of all, they don't want...

It's very hard to pull out of a hole in a black audience. Once you go into that hole, the boos start coming and the get off, get off. If you're not prepared for that, if you haven't done a lot of black shows, if you bomb at one of those shows, it's not good. It's like the Apollo thing.

It's like everybody grew up watching the Apollo. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then they're at stand-up, and they're waiting for the guy with the clown and the cane to come out because this guy's horrible. So they're not shy about going, oh, my God. Isn't it weird that a whole group of people will collectively decide to be haters?

That's the most ridiculous thing ever. You're all booing and hissing, get off, get off. And they'll attack. They want dudes to fail. They want dudes to fail. It's part of the fun. I don't know what Wesley Snipes movie I was watching. It wasn't New Jack City.

It was something like, he was a drug dealer and he was going to court. I think it was Robin Givens. Somebody need to look this up. He goes, Robin Givens, he goes, I just want to hang out with you, baby. I want to go to the Apollo and boo the comedian.

You know, that's what we'll do. And so that was his pickup line. He goes, we'll do fun things. Go to the Apollo, boo the comedian. Yeah.

Yeah, the comedy store, it was a fun place for us all because there's no one watching that place, you know, and it's good and it's bad. It's good in that you're forced to deal with this

chaotic world that is that place, this unpoliced comedy club. I think Don Paris, at one point I heard the stories about him having chicks on stage. It's like, he's got naked women on stage. Yeah, I've seen that. And then there's no manager at that point. Or the manager, he's drinking an hour ago.

Nobody gives a fuck, or didn't, at one point in time in that place. There was one time when Joey Diaz took his pants down, and the original room has a curtain behind it. Did I tell this story before? There was a girl named Judy Cinciotti. Oops, shouldn't have said her name. Damn. She was on stage, and Joey was behind her.

And every time she would hit her punchline joey would open up the curtain and show his balls and the fucking place she was killing and she was on stage like so confident all of a sudden you could see her like light up like it was the best set she's ever had she was just fucking nailing every joke the audience was going crazy because joey's balls are sticking out of the curtain that's what i always loved it you can go through the back bar and sneak up behind into those curtains yeah you could you could go there's a total back way to get on stage there because you know the old days they didn't go on stage through the room like we do they would

go on stage through the back door yeah that was you know that was like a serious nightclub that zeroes nightclub sure what an awful feeling though finding out it was joey diaz's balls and not your comedy though can you imagine that that's a gut feeling well sort of yeah but together it was really funny you know like if her joke was a four you know joey diaz has brought it up to a nine his balls all of a sudden it was like one of the best jokes ever yeah i don't know if i'm i don't know if you are we allowed to talk about what joey diaz just got i don't know if I'm, I don't know if you heard, are we allowed to talk about what Joey Diaz just got? I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about this. What is it?

Joey Diaz just got a role for a kid's show, like a live action kid's show. And I don't want to go too much into it because I'm not allowed to know if I'm allowed to say it. But I was thinking, what if he becomes like this huge celebrity in the kid world? So now he's like at the airport going, what the fuck I got?

And he sees like a little kid come up, what's, Oh, Hey, dragons and ponies. Can you imagine him having to act like a shift gears shift gears immediately he's gotta watch out to signing autographs for eight-year-olds wow the idea just makes me laugh thinking about that though he's great you know what's awesome i can remember i'm not sure how much time he spends around your kid, but he was great.

I ran into him on a lot when we were both filming a TV show. My son was two, maybe, at the time. And he goes, come here, Lorenzo. Uncle Joey's got to take care of you. Come on. My son looked up at him and he goes, this guy's hilarious. He looked at him and went right to him. Yeah.

And Joey was holding him. And it was one of the cutest things. Oh, you like Uncle Joey? Like that. My son was playing with him. Yeah. And Joey was holding him and it was like one of the cutest things. Oh, you like Uncle Joey? Like, yeah, my son's playing with him and just, it was like, oh my God, he's great with kids

and he's perfect for a kid's show. He's got nine cats, man. Joey has nine cats. How many are you allowed to have? That's a good question. Right?

He lives in an apartment. That's what you shouldn't have mentioned. Yeah, because he'd get busted. Did he move to a house or is he still in an apartment? No, he's in an apartment and I think he got two more cats or something what yeah he got 11 now i think so wow that is nuts man that is nuts and also i was just talking

to these guys i'm allergic that's like my worst nightmare like i die yeah that's crazy you know you you telling me that you had to take an allergy medication before you came to my house. Yeah. I only have two. And you have two. And then we shave them. And then I... We take them to a groomer so it gets less hair in the hair. And the last time I was here, I didn't take an allergy medication, and it wasn't actually even that bad.

But 11 cats for certain. God damn. And I think it's a one... Is it two bedroom? Two bedroom? I think it's two bedroom, yeah. You know how everyone's allergic to cats, right? Like every single person in the world is allergic to cats it's just different uh levels

it's the dander but uh here's a whoa whoa everyone's allergic everybody you sure you're saying allergic like as an allergic reaction to everyone if you take a scoop of a cat dander no matter who it is if you somehow collected cat dander and a big scoop or you put it in your eye or something like that you would have an allergic reaction to it. Really? Yeah. But you know those little hair balls once in a while that will fall off a cat when it hasn't been shaved recently?

I had one on my pillow and I slept on it. And I'm not allergic to cats to any extent, really. But I had that and I slept on it right in my eye. My eye swelled up for two days. It looked like I got punched in the eye over the weekend. And it's just now coming down. I don't know if it still looks like it. Is that when you decided you better call in a professional?

Yeah, exactly. I called in a professional. I'm trying to find this cat dander thing online and see if that's true. But it'd just be nasty anyway. It would give you, if it got in your eye, you don't necessarily think you can call that an allergic reaction. There's definitely different degrees to it. There's a lot of things in your eye. Yeah, almost everything would fuck your eye. I don't necessarily think you can call that an allergic reaction. There's definitely different degrees.

There's a lot of things in your eye. Yeah, almost everything would fuck your eye up. But isn't allergic like it gets in your skin and you have a reaction like immediately?

I can't breathe. I mean, that's my whole thing is that my throat swells up and my eyes start to really water and, you know, I'm screwed. My whole body starts

to get any welts. We had a real issue once on Fear Factor. One of the very few we did where we found out that if you're allergic to shellfish, you're also allergic to roaches. Oh, shit. Yeah, and we fed these people, these giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches.

And one dude, his throat started closing up. Oh, shit. And it got really scary. Can you imagine if that was the wrong person? You could have easily killed somebody. Well, they monitor them. They have medics, and they also – I don't know how that could have slipped by, though. I think it's like you have to know.

You have to find out. What is the latest on that? You were on Perez Hilton yesterday or today or something like that. Perez Hilton said something nice. I appreciate it. Yeah, that was great. Thanks, dude. Yeah, Fear Factor is going to come back.

It's going to come back for 10 episodes. I don't know if I'm doing it. And on the Chill Network is that? No, no. It's going to be on NBC. No way. I heard that they're'm doing it. And on the Chill Network is that? No, no. It's going to be on NBC. No way. I heard that they're thinking about getting rid of the bee stunts, though. No, no, no.

That's not true? If they do it, I'm sure they're going to do it the way we did it. It's all the same team. It's Kunitz and Dave Hurwitz and Rupert Thompson, the director. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing. So the reruns were doing so well that what they did. They just got it down to a science. Rupert is a badass director and

Kunitz is an awesome producer. They've been doing those shows like Dog Eat Dog and he does all those wipe out and they have those shows down to a science. They wouldn't fuck with it. What they would do with Fear Factor is just make the stunts cooler looking now that there's HD.

I mean, you can do some shit with cameras that we could never do back then. You would have to do that show, though. Fear Factor 2, a lot of people, I think, is you. I think that's what made the show. Well, that's very flattering, but sort of just had fun with it and helped it along. It would have been crazy whether I was there or not.

If somebody else was there that was fun, it would have been their kind of crazy. Yeah, but you can always speculate what shows would be like without their original hosts, it's like you know it's also and they'll probably get somebody that looks kind of like you like enrico galasius or whatever mario lopez is what we always said yeah mario lopez yeah totally yeah well he's one of those dudes who can host anything yeah handsome bastard um i don't know i don't know if i'm gonna do it i i'll tell you what though i i if you had don't know if i'm gonna do it i uh i'll

tell you what though i i if you had asked me after fear factor was over like what i thought i would have been like god i'm done i want to do other shit but having a few years off of it and then all this talk about doing it i'm like wow that might be kind of fucking crazy that might be crazy to just do still a few episodes i think it's i i love this show now near the end i got kind of tired of it, but now I crave it again. I'll see it on TV and I'll re-watch it and it's like watching it for the first time.

I think it's fun. Yeah, I think it could be huge. Yeah, I think so. I think it's, and I think, you know. A lot has happened with you as well. I mean, you've gone off and done other things that has attracted us a lot. I mean, you probably have a lot more people

coming to the show and you'll bring a lot to it as well. It's not just that the show is iconic. It's like, you know, I think you've done a lot. I mean, you probably have a lot more people coming to the show, and you'll bring a lot to it as well. It's not just that the show is iconic. It's like, you know, I think you've done a lot of shit since then that would have a new audience looking at the show. Yeah, maybe. But, you know, with the show, the difference in the show and anything else that I do is that everyone can watch it.

One of the appeals of the show was that it's ridiculous, you know, for an adult. It's a ridiculous show. You know, you watch it and go, this is fucking ridiculous. Well, it's ridiculous to little kids, too. It's a ridiculous show. You watch it and go, this is fucking ridiculous. Well, it's ridiculous to little kids, too. It's fun to them, too. So it's fun for old people. You can watch it with your whole family.

That's what Wipeout is. My kids love themselves watching it. Yeah, that's Cunits. A overweight lady. Do it for the podcast. The second you do that for the podcast, the podcast would blow the fuck up. Maybe we'd get too much scrutiny. Maybe that's the issue because i'm under scrutiny right now for the my use of the word cunty yes it's called cunty gate 2011 that's so nice putting a y on anything really

i thought it was sweet i thought it was sweet although i look at the word as if it's like the word bitchy and i realize from the reaction of all these different people that other people do not share my opinion. Dude, we have a kid visit from England. He dropped it, I mean, seriously, 20 times. Yeah, they won't stop over there. And then by you throwing the Y on it, that's like saying somebody's a monster. Yeah. Well, it's like her writing is what I was describing, that her writing is cunty.

But I said she. I said she's all kinds of cunty. I meant what is representative of her. All I know of, that her writing is cunty. But I said she. I said she's all kinds of cunty. I meant what is representative of her. All I know of her is her writing. She is a human being. She might be a very nice person. She might just be misguided in this type of style of insulting writing that she does. But it's bitchy, and I don't like it.

And I should have used the word bitchy because that's what I meant. But I wrote the word cunty, and everybody said, oh, you're calling her a cunt. I'm like, that's not what I did. But it kind of is. But it's not. You know what I mean? To my circle of friends and the way the people that I hang out with, we throw cunty around like a beach ball, right? I mean, we're always using the word cunty.

Molesty? It's like to me. I wouldn't never say that. But I don't think that's cute. She's molested. It doesn't make molesting any cuter. I'm sure she's called worse things than bed. Well, she...

Look. Look, the whole thing. What she's doing is negative, but what I did was negative, too. There's probably a better way of handling it. It's a message board, by the way, too. Yeah, it wasn't like I did an interview. I just wrote something on a message board,

and the only reason why I wrote it is because this one guy, I think he calls himself the Skywalker, who's on this mixedmartialarts.com message board, had this very eloquent way of describing what was wrong with this woman and her style of writing. And it was just bingo. And so I wrote, boom.

And the whole thing was all about an interview that Quentin Rampage Jr. did. Is he a junior? Did I just make that up? Jackson. Why did I say junior? Because I was watching Roy Jones all day today. I was like, what the fuck? Where'd that come from? Quentin Jackson. Quentin Rampage Jackson. Not fucking junior. God damn it.

Eventually, it's going to happen. Diminish my point considerably. Probably not by choice. Anyway, Rampage is doing an interview with this woman, and he jokes around about motorboating her, like getting his head between her tits, and I didn't even see it. It's fun. I'm sure it's ridiculous.

We probably should watch it to see how ridiculous it is. But what I was responding to was just this woman and her writing. It wasn't really. But I could have done it a better way. Calling someone cunty is not the... You know, sometimes I get lazy, dude, when I respond to something. I just want to...

That's chicks all kinds of cunty. I don't think I'm going to have to explain myself. I don't think... You know, I just feel like I'm just posting something on a message board where we're all just hanging around. It's like a virtual street corner. When you do post something on a message board,

you expect it. I mean, who's... How many people are really looking at this stuff? Well, there's mixedmartialarts.com. It's a very popular message board. But then for you to take it out of the message board and then use it against you in other media outlets. Not just use it, but call for me to be fired, call for me to be suspended, call for me to be fined. How many people? I don't know. And I did apologize. Before any of this shit hit the fan, I actually, when a few people started getting upset at me, I actually apologized for the use of the word cunty because I said, you know what? It's probably something from my stand-up comedian same apology that, listen, man, you're putting some negative shit out there.

There's a reason I'm responding to you like this. I'm responding to you like this because I've read disrespectful things that she's written to fighters. She wrote this disrespectful thing to Tim Sylvia after he lost. And that kind of shit really pisses me off. That snarky, rude, you know, that style of insulting journalism. I don't like it. It's much easier to say.

And I don't think it has a place in mixed martial arts because mixed martial arts is a crazy fucking sport. And in this sport, a person literally risks their health. They get out there, they train, it becomes the focal point of six to eight weeks of their fucking life. And then they get out there and in front of everybody in, you know, these little shorts, they, they go out and they throw their fucking bones at each other. And to win is the most incredible thing ever. And to lose is the most devastating thing imaginable. It's like to lose is like the death of a dog. That's what it's like. It's like that kind of pain. It's like this unstoppable pain, emotional pain. So a

lot of these guys, these guys guys get they get their ass kicked Maybe they didn't train so hard. Maybe it didn't go so well, but then they have to read some disrespectful bullshit by someone who's never fucking competed by someone who's never put their ass on the line by someone who's never Thrown their body into a cage for everyone else's entertainment. I think if you make fun of that, and you mock them, fuck you. You know, fuck you. You're not getting it. There's a way to say that someone's doing something wrong. There's a way to say this guy, here's the bottom line. He's very talented, but he needs to get in shape. He's fat. Let's be realistic about it. There's that, which is just, you're making an assessment of someone's ability and what they need to change and what

they're doing wrong with their diet or their but when you just get snarky and shitty and insulting that shit drives me fucking crazy it just drives me nuts because only douchebags do that and they only do it because no one's ever told them that they're being douchebags you know so i feel like it causes more negative energy to let shit like that slide than it does to bring up and i make these judgment calls and i just call someone cunty i really probably shouldn't do it and i did apologize to her because like i said i don't i don't mean it the way they're perceiving it i mean cunty like i can be cunty too we can all be cunty cunty's just like internet talk is so different that's five years in five years the president will be saying cunty, too. We can all be cunty. Internet talk is so different.

In five years, the president will be saying cunty in a speech. You know, it's just cunty is nothing. Only if you run for president. Fuck, maybe after Sarah Palin, the standards are going to get so low. President Red Band 2024. Look at that dude from New York that accidentally tweeted out a picture of his cock. Did you see that shit? I mean, we're going to have presidents saying cunty on the fucking TV.

This is ridiculous. Well, it's going to get to a point with the transparency of the world right now that one of two things is going to have to happen. Either people are going to actually have to actually become real nice people, or no one's going to be president. I mean, you're going to be able to see into a person's very fucking soul eventually. You're going to be president. I mean, if you're going to be able to see into a person's very fucking soul, eventually, you know, you're,

you're going to know everything about them. Yeah. It's like, as we get closer and closer to each other with Twitter and Facebook and FaceTime, and we're getting closer and closer to each other and it's going to eventually reach some fucking crazy point where we're all sharing each other's minds.

And when that happens, you know, we find out what creeps we all are, you know, who the fuck what creeps we all are. You know, who the fuck is going to be president then? Who the fuck is going to be president then? Yeah, no one's going to want it. Think about the shit that Kennedy got away with, right?

Everybody knows that Kennedy was banging Marilyn Monroe and he was this womanizer and his family came from moonshine running. I mean, they had like this crazy fucked up past. They basically had an organized crime past. They were whiskey runners. That's where they made their money. They made their money during the prohibition. So if that was today, could you imagine? Could you imagine some womanizer whose family was in organized crime?

Could you imagine for a second that a guy like Kennedy would have a brief chance at being the president? And meanwhile, he was probably one of our best presidents ever, right? I mean, as far—everybody loves to romanticize him because he died, but God, he made some brilliant speeches, man. One of my friends was talking about it the other day. It's like, do you really think the CIA hasn't learned how to turn on somebody's camera on their MacBook Pro? Well, look at that. They knew how to turn on somebody's camera on their MacBook Pro. Well, look at that.

They knew how to do a lot of shit. Look at that hacking group that did the PS3, the LuzSec guys or whatever they're called. They've been hacking into all these websites lately. If you follow their Twitter, it's kind of scary how awesome these, I mean, how talented these guys are. They are fucking with the fbi they're they fucking hacked nintendo the other day and they love nintendo so much that they didn't want to do anything so they just said you know hey we love you too much to do anything really here's how we got in okay how do you not respect that yeah i'm not saying i'm pro hacker

on entirely but i respect the fuck out of that move yeah but what's with what did you fuck with nintendo they make awesome shit keep them in business no but that's crazy and then the apple today announced all this cloud-based shit which is scaring me to death because now what they're pretty much saying is everything like you're laid all your photos you're all your music all your documents the last time you save something on your computer you can do it on one computer and then go to another computer and have the exact same shit on your computer and it's all based on the cloud wireless data system. What if you accidentally lose your laptop

and somebody gets to turn it on and sees all your documents, your photos, your videos? We're going to see some fucking crazy shit coming up now. I mean, if Apple was smart smart they would have some kind of window that's on your computer that shows how far away each one of your devices is at all times they have that i was using that the other day on your ipad you can get you can lock everything and you can track everything yeah you track but have it be a part of the operating system or have some kind of security issues like that built in so just in case if you don't realize your iPad's in Mexico right now

that you could see it kind of like a graph. You know what I mean? Some kind of meter or something. Duncan Trussell was telling me about this yesterday, about this guy has my PC or this guy has my laptop. Do you know about that at all? It's like this guy has my laptop, and there's software that you can put on anything,

either PC or Mac mac where somebody steals your shit and then they go on to log on go to the internet your camera comes on and they take a picture yeah there's a whole website about this guy that lost his camera and it shows like like it's a whole storybook of like this indian guy or something like that and he's like never wearing shirts and stuff well didn't some girl lost her she lost her cell phone and she had a bunch of naked pictures on it and the guy texted those naked pictures to everyone in her contacts. Did you hear about that? Yeah, this was really recently.

This was really recently. Some girl, I think it was a droid phone. I don't remember. Don't sue me, droid people. What a dick. What an asshole that did that. There's a life-ruiner. You know what those hackers should have done is fucking hacked MTV

and stopped that whole movie award shit. Did you watch that? That's bullshit nowadays. What are you talking about? MTV just had movie awards. Every single movie was Twilight. Best kiss. Best actor.

Best comedy. It's pretty much bullshit. Listen to this motherfucker watching MTV. Surprised it's for little girls. Yeah. How old are you, son? No, but I do like movies. Okay, Brian, listen.

The Oprah movie club would be completely different than the Joe Rogan movie club. You know what I'm saying? Shit that I would love, she would hate. Shit that she would love, I would hate. It's all 14-year-olds. Yeah, bro, you're talking about MTV. Oh, I absolutely agree.

This is such bullshit. You know, we need to get hackers down there we should nuke them the aliens should come in and invade trust me like I didn't even know it was on I just turned it on and watch

it but it's just pretty ridiculous last night I went to the after party for that MTV movie you went to the after party yeah sweet how much of case sex did you have

quite a bit that's for me and Duncan. The best part about that is you struggle through the word a little. How much gay sex? It was like, is he slipping there? Is he going to fall through? That was awesome. No, it was me and my wife.

And our boyfriends. I got to see Brody talking to A-Rod. That was exciting. Oh, really? He must have been in his glory. Yeah, it was wonderful. He was really happy. Did you see me talking to A-Rod. That was exciting. Oh, really? He must have been in his glory. Yeah, it was wonderful. He was really happy. Did you see me talking to A-Rod? So he knows me. And then Ren Azizi was here.

So we were all, you know, but it was funny seeing all this. See any celebrities? Any gossip? Yeah, we saw those Twilight people who were at the party. And we left pretty early. It was weird. The one Twilight guy, Edward, or I don't even't know his real name i just know his character's name but he uh kind of went off on reese witherspoon in a weird creepy way he like said something about how he was in her when he was

a kid he was in a movie with her and she was directly responsible for getting his part cut from the movie while giving her an award for like best chick of the year award or something like what so he kind of like called her out on being an ass. Really? Weren't they in a movie together, though? And then seven years later, they were in a movie. But he's like, she doesn't know about this. That's so silly, because what if he sucked?

What do you mean she's directly responsible? If you were really good? He's probably just trying to be funny. Really? Because they just went together or something. Oh, maybe it's an inside joke. Who knows? Or it was just one of the bad writing that was done

for somebody who writes all the in-betweens, you know, and for the movie awards. That's a gig where somebody has to write every actor's thing. Some people do like to be victims, though. God damn it, I've talked to so many guys. I went out for that. I got fucked over by the casting director.

Like, what? You've got to dwell on the negative shit. Some dudes will tell you, no, I got in this fucking casting director. He just know like you gotta dwell on the negative shit some dudes will tell you no i got in this fucking casting director yeah just never really liked me just really it wasn't my type the other guy totally kisses her ass so i get fucked like whoa no those are the same people are just making external causes for everything bad that happens to him it's never your fault it's always the casting it's always my you know the car or train you know they always have some sort of person or

thing to blame yeah those guys are brutal those guys are so brutal to have conversations with you don't realize that they're that guy until it starts and then you're stuck you know like oh jesus like what do i say do i disagree with him what do i say come on man you know own up to yourself stop being annoying it's never you with my i do the opposite it's always me like that's what my dad would go into school would yell at us if we ever got in trouble at school or there was a problem it was definitely our fault and the teacher is right 100 of the time and that was it and it was that was the line that's what i was sort of raised with is like yeah it's probably me

that's better yeah that's that's better well don't better it's like any Sebastian I was watching Sebastian the other night he goes talking about going to Pinkberry and then he goes in and he goes he does a sample he goes if I got the wrong fucking ice cream I fucked up like that's me

I'm gonna fucking sample green tea he has a great bit all of his bits I fucking just get everything on my fucking sandwich I'm gonna fucking sample green tea he has a great bit and everything all of his bits are just like I fucking just get everything on my fucking sandwich if I don't like it

I throw it out the window what the fuck I wanted more pickle like fuck you take the allotted amount he's so fantastic he's yeah have you had him on the show

no oh yeah he's hilarious it's like all of it you know all of his bits but anyway but it's back to that it's like you don't blame other people and have you people are so fucking nitpicky and it

gets us back to this whole cunty thing yeah um because people love to snipe and also for a critic or any reviewer it's much easier to be a critic and say something bad be negative those things write themselves it's also people really enjoy being in a conflict where they don't have any stake. It's almost like a grand distraction that we have with a lot of gossip. People get really deep into other people's lives and other people's fuck-ups.

And what it seems to me is like, I think it's a basic human nature that we have where our real life is very uncomfortable very uncomfortable to focus on especially if we're not happy with it so we spend a lot of time focusing on other people's lives and a lot of time and it actually becomes like there's a there's a whole industry behind it you know like the tmz style industry or there's like mma has like similar sites that do stories like this and make this a big deal and try to get everybody involved in it it's like they love like controversy they love like they love like the the you know shit disturber yeah shit disturber yeah but but it is but i support them because it is an interesting

thing to watch it is i like watching reality tv i like watching the mob wives i like watching the real housewives of new jersey I know what they're doing. I know that they're showing me crazy shit and locking me into this nothing. But, you know, if I like it, I like it. She works for GeoCity Sports? Or Yahoo Sports, right? I don't care. I don't care where she works.

Yeah, she works for one of those places. It's not even about her. Does that exist? He's just being silly. GeoCity Sports, remember that? one of those places. It's not even about her. Does that exist? He's just being silly. GeoCityCityWarrior, remember that? He's being silly. The whole thing behind it all is people not recognizing someone's intent. People making this hot-button word such a big issue.

And people getting so politically correct. God, it's so weird. Everybody wants everybody in trouble for saying the wrong thing. Yeah. Which is like, can't we just be nice to each other and just don't be cunty? Can't we just do that? Instead of worrying about the word cunty and someone saying it. Or words.

Offending everybody with any words. Yeah. Instead of that, how about just stop being cunty? Can we just, then there'll be no need for the word cunty. If nobody was being cunty, no men, no women, just get it together. It's getting there, though, don't you think? I just heard a Tapatio,

I think it was, commercial or something like that on the way here. Don't be cunty. This old lady is like, I put that shit on everything. But they beeped out shit, but it was like, I put that shit on everything. But it was like was like oh that's so close yeah

I know right it is so close I always wanted to have that as a website R-rated commercials where you could go to my website and I would do

like fucking Lever 2000 like you smell like shit and it's just you know just really nice and candid fucking commercials

where it was just swearing well I think eventually the world will be accessing the internet on televisions, on radios, on car radios. So you will be able to have those commercials. I mean, look, we do a commercial for The Fleshlight at the beginning and the end of every show. And it's, I mean, that is, it's a commercial, you know? I mean, we can say whatever we want. Go fuck it, shoot loads in it, it's awesome.

I mean, that can say whatever we want. Go fuck it. Shoot loads in it. It's awesome. I mean, that is the R-rated commercial. And it's on the internet. And because it's on the internet, nobody can tell me. You know, you can't tell me it's offensive. Eventually, everything will be the internet. These little regulatory bodies that are hanging in there now, they're not going to be able to hold this fucking thing together. Stick your fingers in the dam that is the internet. Good luck, fucko.

You got no goddamn chance. They can't even keep this fucking Sony PlayStation shit in line. These motherfuckers, there's little geniuses out there, and they can find their way through anything connected online, anything that's got a network. They can find a hole and creep in and send a picture of some guy pulling apart his asshole and make that your desktop. Okay?

And if you don't think they can, you're silly. You're a silly person. There's some crazy motherfuckers out there. No, no. I mean, I remember early days of the computer. Somebody sent me an email, and I accidentally opened it up. You know, I had an Earthlink account. I accidentally opened it up.

Yeah, I had one of those. And hairy vagina. Just plaguing my computer at work. Oh, no. The hairiest vagina. That was a thing. That was a thing. It was a virus?

It was a virus. It was a well-known virus, the hairy vagina virus. That's so funny. And just hit space, more hairy vagina. Thought you got rid of it. It let you get rid of it. And then you restarted your computer, hairy vagina again. That's what it did.

So you would, like, what if you, like, reinstalled Windows? That's what you had to do you had to just take everything and shut it down because of Harry Vagina do you remember that program I think I sent it to you Joe once

my favorite program I used to have this on my website was like this program you would like send to your friend like hey check this out and you open it up

and it doesn't do anything and you're like what the fuck was that about or it showed like a picture and then every time you type though it goes I like to suck big dick I like to suck and you couldn't stop it like the only way to stop it was like to hit the escape button yeah but what i did is i put that on my website once i

got all these people pissed off at me emailing me like i like to suck big cock i like to suck and i'm like oh shit i need to tell them how to turn it off you put it so you put this virus on the internet no it was something that people passed around before. People didn't think of it as a virus. People thought it was a prank. But I forgot. So then I got worried. And then I put it on my website. Oh, you know, hit escape

to do it. But for a while, I got all these messages all saying the same thing. Yeah, you should have warned people of that, Tom. Here's a great prank. You can use on other people. You just chose to use it on all your friends. We banned a lot of people from the message board for putting up those links. But when you click on one, it opens up like a hundred. Remember those?

It doesn't really work anymore. I don't think those work anymore. Because everybody clicks, bop, and block the pop-up browser or whatever the pop-up windows. Still. It's like we're just barely hanging on. It's all coming together into one big soup, man. I don't know. Hide your wife.

Hide your kids. Don't trust that cloud shit. Don't trust what? The cloud shit? I don't think trusting the cloud shit's the way to go. Well, you know, it seems a little tricky. I use it for writing so that, you know, like sometimes I'll update something on my laptop,

so I save it. But I also want to make sure that I save it on the cloud so that I don't want to lose the chapter. So then when I go back to it at home, I do it that way sometimes. I'm not using the cloud at all. I do use MobileMe, which I like. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

That's the cloud. Yeah, that's iDisk. Oh, yeah, I'm using it. That's dead. Did you hear about that? It's dead? Yeah, they killed it. They killed MobileMe?

Yeah, the cloud is the new version of MobileMe, and now it's free. And so MobileMe for current subscribers is going to last until 2012, but it's just going to turn into the cloud. Dude, Skynet's going live. We're fucked. Yeah. Dude, did you hear they created Dude? Dude? Dude?

Bro. It's just a preemptive strike against people in the message board. Say dude another time, man. They've created an artificial brain. A real artificial brain that exhibits 12 seconds of short-term memory. Isn't that awesome? It's fucking nuts, man. And think, that 12 seconds is just like old school battery life.

So I got the biodiesel car. Yeah. Yeah. Al pulls up in this fucking ancient car like he's in a goddamn Charles Bronson movie from the 70s. That's right. No, I have a regular car

and then I have this hobby car and I'm trying to fix it up and I bought it from some old lady in Florida and I actually bought it on eBay and had it sent out. Wow. And it's great.

I love it. It's an old Mercedes station wagon. Yeah, it's 1985. The last year, they do a 1-2-3 series. And then if you research any of these cars, they're the most reliable cars ever made. I think it was the Volvo 240 and this car are really just incredibly reliable. Anybody who knows these diesel engines,

I think Dodge has this great diesel engine that they use. And Mercedes had these 1-2-3 series. And you can go and get them biodiesel converted. So when all the shit hits the fan and people are fighting at the gas stations, I'll be a member of this lockbox co-op that can make their own shit. And I can go in and I can... Are you preparing for the apocalypse? Yeah, me and the family then put our handguns, shotguns in our car,

and all of our water, and we drive away and go kill each other. There's this guy in LA that, I don't know if you, what's that shit that they can take that chemical from water? Fluoride from water? No, no, no. For cars, it's...

Oh, there's a bunch of hydrogen. Hydrogen. There's hydrogen fuel. Mercedes is doing those, and then Mercedes is doing natural gas. Toyota's doing them also. They're all coming out in 2012 or something like that. But there's this guy in LA that will put a kit in your car now.

If you get 30 gallons, whatever, or 30 miles a gallon, it will take it up to 45. Weren't we all on that? Really? And so it just supplements it with hydrogen? It makes it a hydrogen hybrid? Yeah, I think it makes it a hybrid. Oh, that motherfucker's going gonna blow sky high one day you're gonna be speeding home on the 405 and that shit's gonna blow up behind you see your car flying over other cars before you realize what happened i'm

thinking about trading my new car or my i'm not new but yeah car and just because i get 15 miles a gallon yeah you got a big suv but it's nice if you get in an accident. It's not nice if it causes an accident, though. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, man. That's why this thing outside is a tank. It's made with, you know, all steel. So explain to me where you're going to get your biodiesel.

For folks that don't know, you can make biodiesel with what kind of food? Well, you go on. You obviously need crops, right? No, it's just all grease. It can't be made with vegetable be made you can do it with cooking oil yeah and there's different grades of it our buddy tony from columbus had a car that he had running i think it was an old mercedes as well there's different percentages of it and so you go like b20 b99 99 20 and then you can look on and there's all these groups where you can search for biodiesel and a map comes up and there's one over in Sun Valley I think

called uh I forget that and then there's one in Echo Park that just reopened their membership wow so you pay for I'm paying I can so how are they I'm not doing I'm not running what are they doing to make I'm not in the manufacturing process but I know that they use they can use vegetable oil and convert it to diesel and it burns this sort of clean diesel. So not only is it for the atmosphere, it's better. It burns clean? Yeah, it burns clean.

That's all the TDIs, cars that are coming out with Volkswagen and burn, Mercedes and Volkswagen are burning clean diesel. And so. What does that mean though by clean diesel? Yeah. Yeah. I believe that yeah because when my car when i kick back and i'm running regular diesel i mean a smoke cloud shoots out behind me i'm not sure if you've ever been stuck behind a diesel car but any like bus that's running diesel that's where you see black smoke going in the atmosphere with clean diesel

it doesn't emit that at all there's no you know's not as toxic. I'm not sure how they're making them. And I'm probably a little bit over my head on that. So is this an engine issue or a fuel issue? Is it like fuel in the same engine? Yeah, same diesel fuel is they're putting it through these newer engines. Newer diesel engines are emitting sort of a clean thing. Okay, so it's an engine thing. It's not like your car, the old one. I have the 85.

So this is the old style. And the new ones are burning clean. That's what you're saying? 2011 is all CDI with clean diesel. So they figured out how to do it just by adjusting something in the engine? Yeah, I'm sure they're doing it. They can't do that with gasoline?

That's crazy. Well, there's natural gas cars that are now coming out. You mentioned the hydrogen. I mean, anybody buying a car that wants to buy a new car i think now because you have a lot of the cars you know and um you know get your v12 on now that's how i look at it it's like people don't want to get a car with a lot of gas buy a challenger

now because when it's semi-affordable because you're not going to be able to do that five years from now they're not going to be an extinct thing and gas costs are just going to be ridiculous so you are you a proponent of peak oil do you believe that but i don't even know you don't know what peak oil is peak oil is the theory that there's a certain amount of oil a finite amount and that once you hit it you hit like the uh the peak of the production process until the well starts giving out. As the well starts giving out, you see diminishing returns. That's bullshit, I think.

I don't know about that, dude. There's an unlimited supply of oil? I mean, you think there is? I don't think there is. No. Oh, yeah. By saying that's bullshit, what are you saying? I don't believe that there's a peak, or I don't believe that...

That documentary, it's been so long since I've seen it. Oh, I know what you're talking about. You're talking about Collapse. Yeah, Collapse. Yeah, well, Collapse is a very extreme take on things. I don't know what that is. It's his take. It's this guy, Michael Rupert, who is a guy who is a cop,

and he allegedly caught some CIA agents dealing drugs in the ghetto, arrested them, tried to prosecute them. He was told to drop the case, and so he was appalled by it, and he went public with it. There was some big meeting, and he's in the back of the room, and he testifies and says that he was a cop, and that he was a cop in Los Angeles, and that he personally witnessed the CIA selling drugs,

and that it's been something they've done forever, and everybody gets screams and goes crazy. So this guy has been, from that moment on, he's been this sort of beacon of truth to a lot of people. And he wrote a book about peak oil a few years ago that I started to read. I started to read, but I couldn't get into it. It was so goddamn doom and gloom. And then I watched his documentary, and that's Collapse.

And it's the same thing. It's a lot of doom and gloom. And Brian had a real good point. He's not being honest about what's happening. He's only talking about things that fit into his little version of the world falling apart. Especially when you were talking about him lying about cell phones. There's more cell phone towers, and they're better than ever, and they're constantly upgrading them.

They're upgrading everyone to 4G as well. Yeah, I don't even remember. That was so long ago. That was the one red flag for you. You were like, this is stupid. This guy's saying that cell phones are shutting off, and the companies are going under. This is nonsense.

That's totally bullshit. It's not true at all. There's a crazy amount of towers. The Comedy Store just got a tower the other day, finally. Really? Comedy Store has a cell phone now? Well, no. I mean, you know how the...

I don't know if you've been to the Comedy Store. It was always the worst. Yeah, Dead Zone. Now, I had five bars the whole time. That's a soul-sucking apocalypse. That's why. That place, all the fucking bad hoodoo in the air in that joint.

Yeah. Just sucking those cell phone signals away. Yeah, and you've got to think about the amount of data that's why that place all the fucking bad hoodoo in the air in that joint yeah just sucking those cell phone signals away yeah and you got to think about the amount of data that's now like especially with these 4g towers how much data is now it's a cloud now we're on the cloud too you know that's how much data is that going to shit though is this 4g shit the stuff that's going to kill the bees off finally for good no it's just cause uh autism that's all it does is this killing bees do Do you believe that? Have you looked into that? I know, Dad. We have a lot of bees in our backyard.

And my son came in the other day and goes, Dad, I caught a bee. Then I'm saying, all right, let's be careful with it. There's like five left. I am more... Bring it to the conservatory. I think twice before smacking one. Do you believe that? Do you think that cell phone signals are killing bees?

I don't know what's killing bees, but something's killing bees. There's a couple articles right away. When I look at, when I looked up, cell phone signals killing bees, the first two things are saying cell phone signals not killing bees. Yeah. I mean, it's all that shit. It's just headlines. It's scare tactics. It's one person with a theory

and then people jumping on that theory. Sure, but is there a good possibility that in 20 years there'll be no bees or oil left? Maybe. I mean, yeah, there's a good chance. 20 years from now? Possibly. And then the cloud will take over and everything.

You know, why wouldn't cell phones kill gnats first? Okay, this is saying... Or fleas. This article's saying they don't kill bees, but they fuck up their life. Why wouldn't it fuck up fleas then? Why wouldn't it up well maybe it does maybe it does we just don't know well bees are super complicated i mean i talked to uh you guys about this i said this story on the podcast once of a a thing that we did on fear factor where we covered people in bees covered them head to toe

with bees and then um we um we had this like guy who had this huge hive with him. And he carries these things around with him. He's a professional beekeeper. And his bees all were met in the middle of the sky by another local group of bees. Gang. Yeah. And they had to talk it out through the air. And everybody had to back off. We had to stop the stunt. They removed the bees off this person's body and this cloud of bees and it was fucking surreal man and what was surreal about it was first of all as high as fuck high as fuck so high back then whoo that one that one because it was like quite a while before the

uh stunt was about to start yeah so it was a lot of time um this uh This cloud of bees was like an alien horde. It's like these two groups of aliens. And the reason we're not completely freaked out by them is that they're only that big. But bees are fucking fascinating, man. And if bees were enormous, they would be like... The worst monster movie ever would be Giant Bees.

Sure. No, they're scary looking we have you know because again of the kids we have all these magnifying glasses in the backyard where my insect thing you catch an insect and then you immediately screw down you get to look at it under a microscope i'm finding these grubs and beetles in our backyard and if there is alien life on earth it they just decided to be small and genius like that and they're down there and we don't know how they're fucking communicating because this shit was so weird i've never seen have you seen a grub up close it's disgusting it was a big praying mantis the other day in the bushes and i was hanging out with this thing trying to check it

out was i just you know wanted to like look at and move around and everything and when i was looking i'm like this is such a strange little fucking animal like it's life just like you know it's we're alive and it's alive but god damn could it be more removed from a person this green armor on its body and this is its fucking hands as jacking things yeah even stranger to me the horse oh yeah just so bizarre yeah very strange how bizarre are they i've never been a horse guy i've never i grew up in the city my entire life so i've never been around a bunch of fucking horses so i don't even know that but whenever i walk up to him like how is this this is okay like look at this is unbelievable like the teeth on them.

And they're like, give them one an apple. You know, like somebody's been around them their entire life. They're probably laughing at this because, you know, they have a horse as a pet. Yeah. But I don't even. I mean, do you have a lot of neighbors with horses? Yeah, I have neighbors with horses. My neighbors have baby horses.

This one lady lives down the street, loves horses. You don't even have a baby horse? No, my neighbors. I live in a question district. And my neighbors got those little baby horses. Oh, yeah? And they walk them around like dogs. You know, so the horse thing is a weird thing, but people get this very strange connection with their horse.

I mean, they ride that thing around. But it's a different sort of, horses are not that smart. They're not? No, not really. Horses were like the cell phones of the 1800s. It's like when you're riding them, it's like you're connected to this animal. This animal is taking you around. It's very intimate.

And for women, I think it always feels like it's sexual. Yeah, they like it. It is. Every girl I ask, I always ask that question to girls, and they all say, it feels good, yes. Yeah, it feels good to ride that thing on your pussy. Line it up right. Yeah. This lady who lives up the street, she looks like she just gets off on that horse every day.

Their boots collect their juice. And then they give up on one of the sure signs. A lot of those horse ladies give up on looking good for men. They just give the fuck up. Flannel shirts, cowboy boots. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if you want to do this. I'm going to just go ride my horse and get an orgasm.

That's what they do. Come on, fella. Let's go down a cobblestone road. Bang! They always have really rough skin, those horse girls. I don't know. Let's go down a cobblestone road. Bang. They always have really rough skin, those horse girls. I don't know. Like their face looks a lot of sun damage.

It's their flesh. Yeah, a lot of sun. A lot of sun damage. And they have strong hands from holding on to that fucking bridle while they come. Dirty feet. And they're all a little cunty. A little cunty. If there's anything that came out of this, I talked about this on Twitter that's good, is that I think more people are going to use the word cunty.

Cunty is a fun word. It's not that bad. And you can be cunty. You can be cunty and recover, okay? And if I was at Denny's, let's say you had a problem with a waitress, and she comes over and says, can I speak to the manager, please?

And that's what you would choose to say. You'd say, sir, thanks for coming over. I just wanted you to know that I feel like your waitress when she took our order she's a little bit cunty and he'd say I'm sorry about that we'd known she was cunty

and this is her last warning for cuntiness cunty is trending right now on Twitter isn't it yes that's awesome

I've been using it as a hashtag I went to a hash bar in LA the other day. It was the closest thing to feeling like you're in Amsterdam. Like you actually. That exists? Yeah.

The front part was where you bought the weed. And then the back was a bar with a stage. And they had a comedy show. Let's not say the name of this before you go any further. Let's not say the name? Yeah. Let's not say the name. That's cool.

But the thing. I did comedy there that night. And it was packed. And I thought that would be like the most ideal situation no no that's that's an awful idea after two hours of smoking hash their audience is pretty much fucking gone like i i was like it was so weird dude it was like even the people i came with they were just fucking gone and i'm like you don't even know what anyone's talking about right now yes that'd be a situation where I would yell out again. Hey, you!

Pipe, away from the mouth. Come on, pay attention. I did my rape joke and immediately everyone who was raped in the audience overthought. And I brought them back to their bad place. Maybe your rape joke isn't the best example. That's something that you have to think about. Yeah, I didn't think about that. The hash jokes are more poop and fart jokes in the future for me. Really? example is that something that you have to think about yeah i didn't think about that like the hash

jokes are more poop and fart jokes in the future for me if i ever do that if i ever are you uh yeah when you get really high especially if you get really high on edibles or hash or anything super strong you really start to think about things that you're doing that are negative you start to think about things that you're doing that affect people in a negative way and that you don't have to do them. But sometimes you just get addicted to doing them. It's easy to do them. You get used to doing it.

You get cunty. Yeah. That's what it is. I can't believe that's a problem. It is a problem. I'll tell you anything with the why. It seems cute. Dude, there's people calling for me

to get suspended and all sorts of stuff. But really, I mean, when you look in the scope of the internet, somebody else told me something great about, because I stopped, I will not Google myself, just because it's a waste of my time. And so I'm not, I don't look at anything.

And there was a while when I did, and it just makes you feel bad. But there's always people saying negative shit. So these people that are calling for you to be fired or suspended all right there's always going to be a handful of people that dwell in the negative like this woman did in the first place but look up your most favorite thing on the internet i mean like eddie murphy delirious you know ice cream man or something that you know is good there's 232 people dislike it. Of course. So look up your most favorite thing on YouTube and look how many people dislike it. Listen, man, everyone's not going to like the same thing.

We have to accept that. It's not a matter of not liking something. It's a matter of cuntiness. There's a lot of things that I don't like, and I'm not mean about them. I'm not shitty to somebody. I just don't like it. It's not my of cuntiness. Yeah. There's a lot of things that I don't like, and I'm not mean about them. Sure, you just don't like it. I'm not shitty to somebody. I just don't like it.

It's not my thing, man. It's like I do acknowledge that there's different types of comedians that I don't necessarily want to be. So there's all types of comics. I know that people appreciate them. Like we were just talking about at the opening of the show, there's people that are just church comics. Sure. Those guys. And they fulfill a need.

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that at all. Black comics, Mexican comics, whatever it is, that's fantastic because there's people that really like that specific brand and there's so much of it

that is going to niche out and there's going to be different types. But that being said, you know, it's like you can't dwell in the negativity of it all and get caught up in all of this. I mean, there's certain people who just love to fucking snipe, snipe, snipe, snipe. Yeah, some people just love to, they just do this all day online.

I mean, there's internet flames for a lot of people is one of the ways they get out aggression. You know, some people have like really boring ass fucking crappy jobs, but they're in front of a computer all day. And so they just get online on message boards during the day and just get cunty, just get cuntastic left and right. That sounds really nice, actually. That sounds, yeah. Cuntastic is better. Cuntastic.

We can do better, folks. I know I can do better, too. I'm saying all of us together. Our podcast, mine and yours were both on the BBC the other day. Did you see that? No, what was it?

This guy was talking about how easy nowadays is to take your iPhone and put in your car and having it connected to your stereo. And he was talking and he was like showing the stitcher app and he was like, Oh, and then there's a stitcher app. And he went and he loaded up death squad as the,er app. And he was like, oh, and then there's the Stitcher app. And he went and he loaded up Death Squad as the sample. And it's just so, now I'm thinking, wow, do they know? That's like a Hitler cat on BBC.

Yay. The Hitler cat with suicide bomber shit on him. Your cat has, when are we going to make a t-shirt of that? Let's make a t-shirt of that cat. Yeah, I need to. I've been, Duncan has my stylist, so I need to just clean it up a little. Okay, yeah, let's make a t-shirt of that. Let's make a t-shirt of that, Kat. Yeah, I need to. I've been... Duncan has my stylist, so I need to just clean it up a little. Okay. Yeah, let's make a t-shirt of that.

Sweet. I'll wear one of those. But yeah, so that was on the BBC. Well, that obviously must be somebody who listens to the podcast, so whoever you are, thank you. That's awesome. That's badass. That's pretty fucking...

That's pretty sweet. But you have a podcast now, too. You just got in... Really? Maz. Oh, that's awesome. So we're just doing all... It's me, Maz, Jabrani, and Chris Spencer. We just actually had to put our first episode up today.z oh that's awesome so we're just doing all it's me maz jabrani and

chris spencer we just actually had to put our first episode up today oh that's awesome we're gonna do it on a weekly basis we're gonna try to do it on what's it called minivan men we don't we don't minivan men minivan men okay minivan men.com nobody owns a minivan but anyway it's just all dad stuff like i said right so it's a dad yeah it's all you know my wife i want a van so bad you want a van dude that's so funny you said that i was just talking to mrs rogan about maybe getting a custom van are you serious yeah i remember when you were a kid the family wagon yeah like you know like because it's tough to get like a lot of seats in a car you know unless you go minivan but minivans are whack but if you get a van like a lot of seats in a car you know unless you go minivan but minivans are whack but if you

get a van like a real van and inside of it you make it cool have you seen them lately or i put the badass nowadays yeah they're really awesome there was it was like you know a late night in vegas i'm watching television when i should be asleep and it was uh there was a commercial years ago for some guy did custom vans and inside they they would show all this crazy shit that he's got inside. It sparked that interest, but I never looked at it again. Have you seen a sports mobile, that van? What's that? Type in sports mobile, take a look at this.

No, what is it? I just remember as a kid, my friend's parents always had the really nice vans with just high deluxe chairs. Oh, my God, this is amazing. Look at that badass. Look at this. Whoa. Oh, my God god It's fucking huge

I think this might have been One that Check that out Like what I saw So you can trick those out Any way you want That's incredible And people just love it

These are huge But that's more End of the world shit too Yeah that's some Apocalyptic shit It's a 3D TV God damn So you can trick them out

Like oh wow You can trick that out Any way you want Look at the inside Of this thing man Let me look Oh yeah Yeah

It's got a fucking kitchen See I don't need a kitchen I just want a big water bed In the back of my You know like We're gonna Look at that Yeah these are crazy

These are awesome Imagine having a water bed In the back of your van And a TV So that's all Brand new trick down Like you can Wow

So getting back to that man With all this biodiesel talk, are you one of those end of the world guys? No, not really. I just... I'm not. I just really want to... Be safe. Well, and also, you know, it's economics.

It's like I want... Right. If gas gets crazy, which it has, like, you know... It's amazing how they went and had that conversation with all of the oil companies and said they're going to stop getting gas subsidies. And then the prices went down a lot. Did you notice that?

We were up about $4.50. Right. And then they had the talk with them saying, we're going to get rid of your subsidies. And then the prices went down. Like, just lay off us. We'll keep it around here. Do you believe that they manipulate the oil and gas prices in accordance with world events and elections and stuff like that i really think they do and i think it's like it's six people and what they do is they just all

sort of hover you know around the same price so if somebody starts bringing their prices up everybody will just follow suit but isn't it directly based i'm just totally just playing devil's advocate here isn't it directly based on production, though? No. I don't think it is. What is it supposed to be? It's supposed to be? I think so.

I think it's all about reserve. What is it? How is it? I think it's based on whatever they think they can get away with. Yeah, I think so, too. I need to read an article on this before I talk further. Well, I don't think you'll ever find the exact truth as to what the problem is. Yeah, well, you're right.

You're dead right. But I remember when Bush was leaving office. That's what the problem is. Yeah, well, you're right. You're dead right. But I remember when Bush was leaving office. Remember how high the gas got? It got fucking bad. Where I know people who were like, who didn't want to leave the house because they needed to be able to get to work and home two days in a row

before they ran out of gas. I remember there was no traffic. They didn't have any money. There was no traffic for a long time. Gas prices were really high. Yeah. Because I got to drive from Eagle Rock. I had to just drive to Glendale.

And so I got on this stretch of the 134 where it was packed all the time. Right. And I would take it the same time every single morning. And I could know when school was in and school was out. And I could really regulate that shit. And I remember getting on when gas prices were high. And I just flowed. I didn't have to get in a carpool lane or anything because that's how few people were driving.

What do you think? It was 20% down? If you had to guess, 10% down? You've got to say a number of less people. Oh, no. I think it was 30%, 40% down. Wow. Yeah, because it would just completely clog up in the same area at the same time every single morning.

And I remember hearing them discuss it at the time as well. It's like gas prices really went down. It's amazing. Well, you know, my real issue with the end of the world is that whenever anybody starts talking about what could happen, the real issue to me is gasoline, especially in Los Angeles, because we are totally unsustainable. This is like the mass of people all in one area absolutely completely

depend on their ability to move around and bring things in. I mean, there's 20 million people in LA and no one's growing anything other than weed. Oh, actually, and that's where I hippie out as well a little bit because Bill Burr came over the house and he was cracking up a lot. He's like, you ready for

the end of the world here? That's good, Bill Burr. Growing all kinds of shit. It's like, you ready for the end of the world here? That's good, Bill Burr. Growing all kinds of shit. Everybody's going to be trying to, you know, fighting people off with a shotgun. That's good.

That's good. That's good. Shoot everybody. Get away from my fucking apricots, asshole. Fuck you and your RSS feeds. RSS got me on BBC.

So, um. Oh, anyway, so I grow, I have guava, apricot. My wife just made apricot. Oh, look, man, I'm not saying that you I have guava, apricot. My wife just made, Oh, look,

man, I'm not saying that you can't grow your own stuff, but I'm just saying like, I do like that idea as well. It's smart. I have a bunch of shit going. Yeah. And I've got,

you know, tomatoes and my wife just for the hell of it. We're playing, you know, little house in the Prairie over there and Eagle Rock and she's canning shit. And it's, that's awesome. Yeah.

You know, you can have chickens and shit too. Chickens are really easy to have. Yeah. Goat goat if you want to kill a goat yeah kill a couple goats you also should switch to solar power if any place is a good place for solar power it's here i want to switch to that eventually it's so they should have that as a law here why you should totally it's difficult it's difficult we had it in in colorado on this cabin this cabin that we had and it's there's issues with that solar first of all those batteries are finite they have to be swapped out i don't think they can last forever and you know it's like you got to have like real cloud free days over and

over and over to charge it in la it probably would be a problem that you should probably get but does it even go to a battery does it even go to i thought it just went from solar collector to back into the grid. Like you're paying for selling it. Well, that's assuming that the grid is going to be operable, right? We're talking about some end-of-the-world shit if you're going to have solar power. I think it goes. I don't know if it could really. I mean, yeah, you can sell back power.

I know a guy with a windmill who sells back power. He lives in Oregon. But, I mean, if the grid goes, you have to think, well, now you're reliant totally on solar power, right? So it has to go to some sort of a battery backup. And that's what happened at this cabin. The cabin that we had in Colorado, it was all solar powered. And it went to some sort of a battery backup sort of a thing. So it stores the electricity that it gets from the sun.

My only problem with being the only house with solar power, let's say it all goes to shit. It's fucking zombies. You're going to see the lights. They're going to fucking know that you're the guy. There will be fires everywhere. Fires and lights. Listen, man, that whole zombie thing is very possible. It's a funny thing that it's such a theme over and over again in movies.

Walking Dead is a great show. Yeah, it's a great show. I just got into it. I actually only watched the first episode, but it was fucking badass. It's incredible. And I've been looking for time to catch the second one, but I've been busy. It's a good show. I just got into it. I actually only watched the first episode, but it was fucking badass. It's incredible. And I've been looking for time to catch the second one, but I've been busy. It's a good show. It's great.

But, you know, that's sort of a thing that we get infected by some sort of a horrible parasite or some sort of a, you know, like a rabies sort of a thing. A rabies for people. That's fucking real possible, man. How is that not possible? Oh, no. With any epidemic, I totally buy into that as well. 28 Days Later?

I'd easily be the first guy dead. You ever see that? 28 days later? Yeah, the same thing. Or any of the Resident Evil movies. I'm a big fan of Resident Evil. I had an idea for a show that I thought was funny, but no one wanted to do it. I pitched it as a cartoon. It was a prequel to Resident Evil. You know how they're all in the hive? They're underground? Yeah. And they start there. It's like these guys, I got a great job opportunity. Okay.

It's in a hive. So everybody knows what's going to happen. And these guys are just living their little mundane lives in the hive like that. There's a gym. I think we should do it. Like talking to his friend, even to moving five miles underground or whatever it is. And we know they're all going to die. Just think of the zombie outbreak as being like herpes.

And just imagine that. All these people with herpes being zombies. Yeah, could be, right? You're right. If zombies was a disease that you catch, just like herpes is a disease that you catch. Yeah. But it would be way worse because zombies eat people, so there would be no one left. That 28 Days Later, to me, was one of the scariest horror movies and most realistic ever.

When that chick hacked up her friend with the machete when he got bitten and he tried to say he was okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. And she hacked him up with the fucking machete. Do you remember that shit, dude? Yo, that was real. That was real shit. That was a scene in a movie where that, where a real rare, where there was no Hollywood bullshit, where someone had to make a split second life or death decision.

I mean, there was no romantic, I hate to do this to you, do it go ahead do it no no it was extreme denial and extreme violence the guys like no I'm okay okay and she fucking hacks him to death with that machete damn that's how scary those fucking zombies were yeah they're that scary but now you know it was coming so she hacks them to death with a fucking machete and she'd be hanging around with them, palling them.

That was her boy. They fought zombies together. Every zombie movie has that you gotta kill somebody you care about moment. Yeah, you're right. Every single one. You got it.

It's standard. But I'm saying in terms of zombies, have you thought about anything? That is the movie. Well, just, I mean, you have a secure...

Have I really thought about zombies? No, not zombies, but I'm talking about people getting in. Next time someone says they don't want to get high, I'm going to listen to them. It's true, I'm the worst. So, I'm talking about people getting. Yeah, I get security, but yeah, let's not talk about all that. I just, for me, in the tiny, you know, I have a little place in Eagle Rock where. Where's Eagle Rock? That is just. So, if someone wants to stalk you, you know, I have a little place in Eagle Rock where.

Where's Eagle Rock? That is just. So if someone wants to stalk you, what's the best way to go about it? Yeah, easy to do. All you got to do is go to. No, I am right before the Rose Bowl, right? We're in Pasadena. Right.

Right before you get there, northeast LA. All right. Anyway, so I think about fortifying my joint. Like, I want it to be tight. Like, I lock all my fence so my dog can't get out and nothing really can get in. Are you in an area where there's a lot of population? I'm not familiar with that area. Yeah, I have a lot of population.

I'm decent about it. It's nice. Yeah, Jordy lives down. Or you, I think. I lived. Marin lives not too far away. Okay, yeah, I did his podcast in this place. So he's about two miles away. That's a unique neighborhood.

Maria Bamford. He lives a little bit more south of me, over on the hill, and it's a little more country up there. Is that... You said country? Where it's Mexican country. Country. Is that what you meant?

Yeah. Mexican country, but you just said country? Country. It's a little more... Because he's in the hills, and there's a lot of open space. Not like you have, but for LA, yeah. Oh, I see what you're saying. It's a little's a little more rural um empty lots and stuff like that in my neighborhood every single lot has a house on it yeah every single one and we're all packed next to each other i love the

it's an interesting area though there's a lot of cool people that live in that area you know that whole area it's like so many creative types are in that area. Yeah, Maria Bamford is right next to where my kids go to play. So it's a bonus stalking zone. Yeah, you get three comics for the stalking price of one. Kind of hippie. A little bit, yeah. Yeah, man, I think it's really important to live near trees and shit. I think you've got to have at least some of that in your life.

I don't know how people live in a full city, like full Manhattan. I mean, unless you live near the park and you can go to the park all the time for me that would kind of freak me out i like seeing trees i don't like being jammed in on top of people in box on box stacked on top of each other to me that just freaks me out well there's some but also i agree and i like all that like i have all the fruit trees and everything, and I like having all the gardening space, and I have all the shit I grow. But I do like the life of a bohemian in a penthouse, in a cool Tribeca fucking big-ass flat.

Right, I see what you're saying. So there is the appeal on both sides. I think you can mix it up. So you can go when you can vacation or whatever. You have that city lifestyle. There is something about the intellectual New York, the intelligent New York. Like there's a group of people that live in New York that really wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world. And, you know, some of them are a little snooty about it.

But it's because they're proud of being in an extremely unusual city. Sure. I mean, there's no city in America like New York. There's a few that are close. Youngstown. It's like if you live in New York, the only place you could really live where it would feel like a city, you've got like a couple of choices.

You've got Chicago, maybe part of San Francisco, but it's still not really going to be New York. New York is one mass of it. It's so intimidating to people when you go there, and I feel like when you attain a certain amount of wealth when you're in a badass penthouse with your cocktail and a tuxedo and your fucking hot wife is on your arm you feel like i run this shit you ever really took over like i don't say that happened to me i'm in the 1300 square foot house but i'm saying to somebody

like jay-z standing with fucking beyonce on his arm they looking out into the city, and he's got to be thinking, fucking, I can run the world, or some shit like that, where he feels so in command, because it is on top of him. King of the hill. It's such a doggy, yeah, exactly. A buddy of mine's dad is really rich,

and we went to his house once, and he's got this fucking badass apartment in New York City with this sick view. It's so ridiculous. This guy's got loads of cash. I don't know how rich he is, but he's rich. And I'm walking through his living room, and his living room is just like one giant building to the left

and one to the right. And he's looking at this spectacular man-created artwork. His view, it was stunning it was like you know i appreciate the view of the mountains to me that's my favorite view but everybody's got their own favorite view but that view that that new york city in the heart of everything view is pretty fucking spectacular if you could afford an apartment on one of those buildings dude i was blown away just walking around this guy's place but it was like seven million dollars this apartment i'm just saying it'd be nice you can do both you can appreciate both and then go like to all those guys probably go to montana

i bet it's cheap i bet seven million is cheap too because he got it in the fucking 50s or something you know i mean i don't really know how i mean i don't think this guy's tried to sell it but i mean some of those like crazy donald trump ones that they have. Didn't they sell one recently in New York? It was the most expensive real estate transaction ever. Oh, it was a penthouse on top of penthouse. Yeah, it was like a whole house. It was like 60 million bucks or something fucking stupid like that. There's a few of those Bernie Madoff-style setups in New York

that you don't realize. It's kind of quiet. It's kind of weird too, right? Because people can just walk by and just touch your house. On a regular basis, people are walking by and touching your house. But inside, you've got this fucking insane

40,000 square foot mansion with all... Private elevators. Butlers and a full staff. They have staffs and shit in san francisco one of my friend's dads had the car elevator where you drive it in to you so you drive in this badass building in russian hill and then you pull your car in your car gets in an elevator with you in it dude then an earthquake happens and you fucking get stuck in this tunnel and your family's crushed underneath.

That's like some Terminator type. Not a Terminator. What's his name? Batman. What was the fucking, what was the Punisher? The Punisher. Punisher had that?

It seems like he would have that sort of a setup. Punisher had that. It was like, drive his car, elevator, go to the top floor, he's got like a

rifle range setup. Robert Urich in Vegas, he used to drive his car into his garage and then hop out. How many movies were there of dudes that were like badass rebel guys who lived in

lofts? Yeah. They all lived in this weird, like, sort of an industrial, no-comfort area. You know, it's all just, I'm just here for business, not for pleasure. You know, right? This amazing piece of waterfront real estate, do I have a dock?

Cleaning guns blade. He's got a warehouse on a pier. Right. Exactly. And remote control curtains. Yeah. Yeah. Who's funding this?

I wonder if there really are dudes out there that are rocking it as like some sort of a Badass. Yeah, I mean, some sort of a vigilante character. I just watched The Mechanic, and that was a good one. Did you like the new one? Yeah, I liked it. I just liked the idea. I never watched that outic and that was a good one. Did you like the new one? Yeah, I liked it. I just liked the idea. I never watched that

out of respect. Respect for Charles Bronson. I just wear the hat. It's Jason Chatham. Say to him what the fuck his name is. Get out of here you fucking Momo.

Joey Diaz wore his hat of the new movie out of respect for the old movie but he won't watch the new movie. He goes to his I love somebody

going to their living room and hitting a thing and having the secret panel open up. Yeah. He's got one of those? Yeah, because that's how he plans out his shit. And it'd be like, if you have it, you're...

Right. Okay, okay. I thought you were talking about Joey Diaz. Oh, that'd be awesome. What? Oh, you're talking about the Punisher. I got a secret panel. It's behind the bookshelf.

Isn't it a funny thing? Those guys, they all had warehouses with a motorcycle up there, you're talking about The Punisher. I got a secret panel. Isn't it a funny thing, those guys? They all had warehouses with a motorcycle up there. And a dummy where they would practice throwing knives at it and shit. Who automated all this stuff? I got dragged to the Star Wars concert at the Hollywood Bowl. What is that? Because Joey was telling me something about it, that it was like $300 a ticket.

Yeah, I don't know. My girlfriend's a huge Star Trek nerd. Star Trek or Star Wars? Star Wars nerd. I'm sorry. Star Wars nerd. And she's like, she wanted to go, but I think it was sold out. But she's been checking.

And the other day, they released some tickets. What is it? It's the original guy that did all the music for Star Wars. He's there in the voice of C-3PO, narrates this whole journey through the Star Wars universe, using all the music from Star Wars. He's there and the voice of C-3PO narrates this whole journey through the Star Wars universe using all the music from Star Wars. There's lasers. A journey through the Star Wars universe? It's kind of like watching a wrap-up of all the Star Wars movies live with the whole orchestra. They have this huge HD screen and these lasers that are coming out of everywhere. It's trippy.

What are you seeing on the stage? Are you seeing them act things out? HD screen and these lasers that are coming out of everywhere. I mean, it's trippy. It's really like... What are you seeing on the stage? Are you seeing them act things out? No, the stage is the orchestra. Stage is the orchestra. Then you got this guy that played C-3PO walking around going, Now let's go into Star Wars. Blah, blah, blah.

And then they'll show parts from the movie, and then the orchestra plays... The crowd cheer. ...towards the music. It's kind of like you're watching clips of the movie and then the orchestra plays uh the crowd cheer towards the music you know like it's kind of like you're watching clips of the movie while a real orchestra is going through like playing the soundtrack to star wars while there's a laser show and while i don't know all this crap's going on so you're watching the movie at the same time not the whole movie just like parts of it like you know they took the music from you you know like isn't it like

That would be just like parts of it. They took the music from C-3PO. And isn't it like $300 a ticket? I don't think so. I think we got $70 a ticket. And so we're thinking... You're high up. Yeah. Wow.

We're thinking we're super high up, right? But we took emergency ecstasy in our pocket just in case if we weren't. We get in. We're fucking front row of the fucking Hollywood Bowl. $70 ticket. What? C-3PO is sitting right in front of me as close as me and you are to here just doing the whole narration like walking and then coming back

and sitting down right in front of me so we're we both look at you're like all right we're doing this we went deep but that was amazing if you can check it out if you're a star star wars fan and if it's in your city fucking check that shit shit out. So basically we were saying you enjoyed it because you were on drugs. Yeah, for half of it I was. No, but it was pretty sweet. Would you have enjoyed that if you weren't on drugs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a Star Wars fan, but if I was a hardcore Star Wars fan,

I would have jizzed all over the place. Joey Diaz told me he couldn't find any tickets other than $300 tickets. Yeah, I don't think it was $300. He goes, I might even pay $100 with three bills. Most of the tickets were $14. He's a big Star Wars fan. I don't think it was $300. He goes, I might even pay $100 with three bills. Most of the tickets were $14. He's a big Star Wars fan? I don't know.

I just think he was probably looking for something to do that day. He was probably cookied up to the gills. I think he was looking at something else. He eats those

goddamn cookies all day, man. He's not fucking around these days. Every time I see him, he's chewing on one of those pot cookies. Yeah. He must have

an insane tolerance. You can never trust him. Don't ever trust him with a dos those pot cookies. Yeah. He must have an insane tolerance. You can never trust him. Don't ever trust him with a dosage. Never. No. No, no, no, no, no. I did a live podcast where he gave me some, and I fucking, it was halfway through it, I had to excuse myself, because I became a mess.

I couldn't do anything. Was it the banana bread? Yeah. It was the last junk. Al Magical, you ever fuck up with banana bread? No, I haven't had any of the banana bread. Is that the stuff that's really packed in there? It's what everyone's scared of. Yeah. Everyone's scared up with banana bread? No, I haven't had any banana bread. Is that the stuff that's really packed in there? It's what everyone's scared of.

Everyone's scared of the banana bread. Yeah. But definitely do the Jolly Ranchers. Do you ever have edibles? Oh, yeah. When I go to the Niner games sometimes, they have tailgating. They have a bunch of this stuff out. Because one of the guys that goes to the tailgate owns one of the bakeries up in Northern California.

Man, how do those guys not worry constantly about it getting ripped off? It happened. They all busted into, they think it was employees, busted into a place. He's got Doberman Pinterest in there now, but they busted in, took everything, and it had to be an inside job, and then he went and camera-ed it up the whole place, and

put in extra security and dogs. So it was one of his employees, you think? One of his employees came in and took everything, yeah. Does he know which one? No, I mean, they had cameras, but he knew exactly how to take them all out. So the persons might still be working there. I mean, they had a couple of disgruntled people,

and he bought it from another guy. There's something about things that are illegal, man, that just, you can't have a smooth operation. It's like even though marijuana is helpful and beautiful and should be legal and is legal according to state law, even though there are medical patients that are legally growing it under state law, the federal government can still come in and raid you at any time. And because of that, the only the people that are willing to get into that, like a lot of them, a good percentage of them, they're a little wild. You know, it's, it's tricky. Yep.

You know, I mean, there's a lot of money to be made there. Is this your new, I got a card now, 35 bucks for a doctor. They have a card now. Is that the new thing? Yeah. So they give you weed cards. And I purposely squinted my eye and made myself look as stoned as possible.

In case you get pulled over. It's not a driver's license, stupid. But the doctor, or the doctor, quote unquote. It gets you out of a ticket though also. Oh yeah,

the doctor, quote unquote, was very cool, but this time they actually tested my blood pressure where they put the thing in there and then they checked my heart

and stuff like that, which was a little bit more intense than normal. But the funny thing is she didn't write any numbers down dude you should honestly you shouldn't say that that it was more intense than normal because you're kind of giving up the whole thing so federally is listening in do they because there's certain shit they're supposed to do like check your heart rate and your blood pressure i mean it's literally it's supposed to be according to state law a legit medical visit do those all the same? Is it like a driver's license?

Yeah, except different pictures. Listen to this motherfucker. But what's great is, it's great they let you do it. Like, if you come with a person, like me and my girlfriend did it together, and then we're like, asked her, what do you need it for? And she goes, PMS. And she's like, okay. Yeah, I mean, there's a, you know, in other states, though, it's tight.

Like in Jersey, they're trying to make it real tight. They really, Arizona, they want it to be really tight. They want it to be like AIDS, you know, wasting though, it's tight. Like in Jersey, they're trying to make it real tight. In Arizona, they want it to be really tight. They want it to be like AIDS, wasting disease, stuff like that. Or cramps. Severe arthritis. But that's the beauty of it. And what I said is, and it's completely true, I like using marijuana instead of using pills. I don't want to take Tylenol if I have a headache.

I don't want to take this if I have this. I could just take a plant. People die from Tylenol. People have a headache. I don't want to take this if I have this. I could just take a plant. People die from Tylenol. People don't die from weed. There's no logical argument against weed in 2011. It's so silly. The strongest one that anyone can come up with is the gateway one.

That's just a silly thing. They're not related. I think the gateway is much more dangerous if you're not honest about pot because if you were honest about pot if the government and the law enforcement and teachers and everyone was honest and said listen

if you're going to do a drug, do a drug that's not going to hurt you or kill you there's a few that are not going to hurt you, the natural ones marijuana, it's not going to kill you if you want to try something, try that but you have to be very careful of very addictive drugs. Opiates. You've got to be very careful of synthetic ones like methamphetamine. They're very, very addictive.

Those people are scary. Yeah. So just be honest about it, man. Be honest with kids. Stop fucking playing this game that everything is all in the same group. Because when you say that, and then kids smoke pot and have a fucking fantastic time and enjoy the shit out of some food and laugh their ass off at a movie and hug and say, man, I love you. It's so much fun hanging with you. I'll see you tomorrow at school, dude.

They had the best fucking time. Why? Because they were high. Okay? You know? They're 19, 20 years old. Who the fuck? Leave them alone.

Leave them alone. It should be legal. It should be legal. It should be legal. You can't get some high school kid who's experienced something like that or college kid who's experienced something like that and then tell him that it's wrong. You can't tell him that it's bad because you run the risk of everything

that you are saying that is valid is going to be discounted because he's going to know you're full of shit about this whole weed thing. Well, this guy's got this crazy, stupid, radical opinion about weed. It's not based in facts or studies or any results that I've ever seen in my fucking life. So why should I listen to him when it comes to heroin? Why should I listen to him when it comes to meth? That's the real gateway. The gateway is not marijuana. It's bullshit. The gateway is keeping people from reality. If you just told kids what the fuck pot does to you, you know, all this nonsense about withdrawal symptoms and all this fucking silliness that you hear from people who've never smoked in a day in their life.

If some patient tells you he's going through withdrawals from weed, he's a fucking pussy. You weak bitch. You can't even fucking recover from weed. You know, just get up. You lazy fuck and take an aerobics class. All right. Go to yoga. Do something. Go fishing. You fuckhead. Do something. You're not addicted to pot. Stupid. Maybe you are. I don't really know. I'm not really a doctor. I'm just talking shit. Maybe you're the one. You're the only one. The one guy with massive withdrawals. it's fucking i thought you were funny i'm here shaking because i haven't had weed in 20 minutes there is some

weird things with some people though like like people who are in alcoholics anonymous where they feel like they have to quit weed also yes you know it's like what why don't you quit red bull too why are you lumping no i think there's people that are compulsive about taking it. There's got to be marijuana. I have a friend who was sober for 20 years. When we were kids, we both started out doing stand-up around the same time as well. He was drinking. He realized that he couldn't drink anymore, so he quit drinking.

Then 20 years later, he started smoking pot. He's so happy. So happy about it. Like, yeah, it's fucking And he's so happy. So happy about it. Like, yeah, it's fucking great. I don't feel like I need it. It's not like I feel like I fuck up my life with it. But I'm like, that's a crazy risk to take. But a lot of people, like, you know, we have some friends that are friends of Bill's, you know, that are in the Alcoholics Anonymous program. And they know.

It's like you can't, you know. Tate can't take marijuana. Tate can't do anything. Tate says the same thing he doesn't want to smoke pot he said he would love to but he thinks if he did he would just start doing

everything else he used to do and just go fucking crazy and Teep I think you know I've known him for a long time he's one of the first people I met when I was down and I came down to LA

and I think that just seeing him with you know his act I think is better it's amazing I act, I think, is better. It's amazing. And the fact that he's not a regular at the comedy store is insane. Oh, that's ridiculous.

Well, we get him up at Sal's every time we can. But yeah, he's a smart guy. Teba's a smart, funny guy. And he's been around a long time. It's nice to see him get his shit together. Yeah, there's certain people that... Look, marijuana, to me, is not fun if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. If I have a lot of issues in my life, if there's some unresolved

things in my life and I smoke pot, I don't enjoy it because all I get is this bad feeling of, you know, that I'm not doing what I should be doing. I'm not on a positive frequency, that I'm not avoiding drama and creating as much as I can and always moving in the positive direction. Like if, if I have a, if I don't follow all the right paths in my life and go with my, my good instincts and then I get high, I feel terrible. Yeah. Just, I just feel awful. And I think a lot of people, they, what they do is they medicate themselves and they they they revel in that feeling awful they revel in that just the just extreme extreme procrastination where they never get anything done they just jerk off and and especially comics you know they don't

clean their house ever yeah they don't do shit they sit in front of the computer and play with themselves and and watch. For people that... Really? A lot of people out there listening to probably this that just smoke pot and do just waste away and just say... Those are my people. Hey, yeah. I'm just saying, if you really do accomplish something, like you go to the gym and you

get a bunch of other shit done and you feel really accomplished for your day and then you smoke pot, the feeling there is you feel like even the feeling of accomplishing something and really having a great day where you get a bunch of shit done, unmatched. Yeah, the feeling you've earned it. It's a very important thing, man. You have to have discipline. There's a yin and a yang to human beings. If you're completely, totally impulsive, you're not going to be as happy as if you have impulses mixed in

with taking care of your responsibilities. That's why I was thrilled with that book, and I found out you liked it as well, and you were handing it out to people. The War of Art? Yep. It says things the best. The thing is just getting shit done. Yeah, getting shit done, doing the work, and, you know... Then do whatever you want. Yeah, and then enjoying things, you know, and then realizing that there's something that's keeping you from working. And it's called resistance. And it's all your ego.

And it's all, you know, it's all the procrastination that every artist faces. I was talking to a guy recently that just, he wrote a book on pool cues. I hung out with him this weekend. He's one of Max Eberle's buddy. And he wrote the big blue book of pool cues. It's like really like labor intensive. It's like marking all these different, like pool cues. It's really labor intensive. Marking all these different... Pool cues are collected as a form of art.

And there's some guys who are considered masters in these pool cues. And this guy took photos and created this book of all these pool cues. And he's like, the hardest part about it was sitting down and doing the work. It's the hardest part about it. And it's the hardest part for everybody. Yeah, forcing yourself to get in there and write. It's like I keep making these um i just had an office built you know in my garage's detached garage where i can write and sit down really and i knew in the back of my mind

okay if i was procrastinating by saying okay if i don't build that space then i have a space to write you know i was just putting shit off and i would force myself to go to a coffee bean up and and i was getting distracted up there. And I think, and I'm that asshole on a lot laptop and a fucking coffee bean. I wouldn't write, especially with headphones on, right?

Like an idiot. Could you imagine if you had these headphones on, on your laptop? I saw somebody bring their full on desktop. I haven't used those big noise canceling headphones. And before I just sat there because I would always go to what's it called la canada or away from my house because i knew no one was there and i wasn't gonna see anybody i ever knew yeah i'm just i was that asshole on the laptop and i was fine with it because i was never

going to be self-conscious about anybody running into me because i know no one over there right but it was still a waste of time for me to go up there and i put it off and put it off now i built this office and i'm getting in there and writing i feel fantastic about myself because i'm really doing if i can write four to six hours a day that's a fantastic wow fucking day for writing yeah yeah i um i don't do well after four hours i uh i write in these big crazy energetic bursts and then as it gets towards the end of the burst, I always kind of know when the ride is over. And it's usually around four hours.

I've had some longer, more disciplined days where I'll sit down for six or eight. But I feel like I write my best shit in these four-hour runs. And then I always write my best shit when I write one draft of it. And then I'll come back and I won't do anything but read the second draft for like an hour just go back over it yeah and wait for the part of it wait for the weed to kick in the rewriting choo-choo and then do you find yourself

when you're in your best form when you're writing where you don't even know where the fuck the words are coming from yeah just flying that's what it says like all that muse stuff it's like the muses come in and all of a sudden you just sort of put pen to paper and make sure you're going to write and make the French press thing for coffee and go out there and just start attacking it and put the pen in your hand and stuff will come and it's just amazing. Yeah, and a lot of people think

that, you know, this is a topic of discussion on my message board that is sort of like some spiritual airy fairy bullshit thinking the idea of the muse and it's really just your imagination. Your is just a you know a product of the synapses firing in your brain and you know your your memories and all the knowledge and you know information you've acquired all throughout your life and the calculations you're making with that information due to your own personal circumstance and boom you create something and it's the same as as you're sitting

down and writing it all you do is sort of recounting everything that you've learned and making some rational calculations. Organization of it, yeah. Yeah, organization of it. And boom, you're calling that the muse. You're calling that creativity. But I think what it represents to me at least is there's a mind of no mind. There's a Zen thing that you're always trying to find in martial arts

and that is moving without even thinking about what you're doing. You train yourself to the point where the movements become so second nature. It's like tying your shoe. You know, when you tie your shoe, you don't think, okay, I'm going to loop this under there and do this. And then you just bang. And you remember when you were a little kid and I'm noticing it now because my three-year-old, and I'm sure you have kids, my three-year-old is just learning how to tie her shoes. And it's crazy to try to teach her. To her, it's like this massive puzzle to be able to tie your shoes and put this through that, and then what happens?

And then you make a loop, and how do you hold on to the loop while you wrap it around? But to you right now, with martial arts boom with martial arts it has to be that way as well you know you you have to be able to utilize techniques in a manner where you are there's no way you could think about it you're moving so fast so much that it's just instinct it's basketball it's football you slip that punch and before you even know it the right hand has landed you didn't even know you threw it. It's all just zen. Well, I think with writing, there's a zen to writing.

And that's what we're tapping into. I mean, you can call it the muse, and it may very well be that there's some sort of antenna and we're tuning into it all. Or it may very well be that there's a state of mind where you don't feel responsible for things, and that state of mind is when you're at your most creative. Well, that zone of the practice professional. Yeah. Like, that's what it is. It's like, you're so good most creative. Well, that zone of the practice professional. Yeah.

Like, that's what it is. It's like, you're so good at this that you're just instinctually going to it. Acting? Yes. I mean, as like that, when you're really doing a good job as an actor and you're so in the character or anything.

And then as stand-ups, I don't know if you've done a fair amount of acting. Well, even, you know, with Fear Factor, that was a job where I really sort of fell into sort of a practice method for dealing with everything. Because I was constantly dealing with people involved in competition. Constantly dealing with all these different little social things that were going on on the set. You know, constantly dealing with monitoring their little stunt and making sure they're doing it correctly and not running out of time. And doing that became a real, like I would go and punch in.

You know what I'm saying? Like I knew this is something. It's not as simple as just standing around talking. It was like a management position. Like I had to go manage this thing. There you go. There's a real art to that shit, man. To everything.

Yeah. To everything. To baking. That guy. When you become a, there's a, some fucking bakery at the, one of the coffee places,

it's not a Starbucks, one of the alternative ones in LAX. They got this chocolate croissant that is so fucking badass. Au Bon Pain. Is that what it is? Yeah. Is it Au Bon Pain? Are you sure? I think so. I don't know if it is. fucking badass obon pan is that what it is is it obon pan are you sure i think so i don't know if it is i don't think it is i think it's one of those generic ones it's a name that i've never heard the name before it's not obon pan it's a different one it's like some

other one but it's in la anyway the fucking chocolate croissant whoever makes this chocolate croissant is an artist they're a zen master they got just the right amount of butter. The chocolate is just the right amount of chewy and the right amount of mushy. And it's the pastry is so delicious and moist. Dude, I mean, it's a rockin' chocolate croissant. And the difference between that and some crappy ass chocolate croissant that's just been sitting around on the shelf at Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah. It's like everything else, man. There's a way to do everything with that sort of a zen, finding the right frequency motion.

Really caring about it and doing it right and spending the time on it and practicing it and then it comes back instinctually. I don't know if I ever told you a story, but we put my son, who's now eight years old, put him in jujitsu when he was four and a half and they were calling him the natural oh wow because they put him out there and they said at four and a half let's just see what he does and they put him up against this

five-year-old and then immediately my son got on his back right away and they like the brazilian guys around place goes he took the buck he's the natural he's the natural. He's the natural. We didn't tell him anything. That's hilarious. And then he took it back. And then, of course, then my son had his. He did it for a while and he liked it a lot because there was always a kid that he matched up with. But then some highway patrolman's kid who was older, like the kid that was my son's age, dropped out. So then my son always had to match up with this kid that was a year and a half older than him.

And it just was super intense and beat the shit out of him. And he got lost interest. That's unfortunate. And for the little kid too, the other little kid, you're supposed to teach kids like that, that it's better to relax when you're better than someone instead of just running through them. Work on stuff that you're not that good at.

Let the guy mount you. Let the guy take you back. Like it's hard to, there's two different philosophies when it comes to jiu-jitsu one of them is the sink or swim philosophy that a lot of guys use and you know we've used it i've used it it's that you know what man if you can't handle getting tapped you know you don't belong here in the first place so i'm just going to use you as a grappling dummy and so you know the idea is to take some guy who's just starting out as a blue belt and, and just tap him left and right. But I think the way better way to do it, for me at least,

the way it's always helped me, is whenever I roll with someone and I think that I'm way stronger than them or I'm way better than them, I put myself in a little bit of a deficit, and I'll let them get on top of me. I'll try to work for my guard. I'll try to let them take my back. When I'm doing it smart, because that's how you learn. And that kid, someone should pull that kid aside and say, listen. Oh, they tried to, yeah. Did they try to?

Really? They wouldn't listen? They wouldn't listen. He'd get too tired of it. Well, he's a little kid, man. I might not have listened when I was 80. No, we had another little kid that was, he got it, and would let Lorenzo practice on him all day.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah, it was great. Well, you know, drilling is really important for kids too, and that's something that doesn't get done a lot in jiu-jitsu, but gets done a lot in wrestling. In wrestling, you'll have a big percentage of your practice before you ever get to live sparring. A big percentage of your practice is going through different moves,

going through different arm drags, going through different takedowns, and you drill in wrestling way more than a lot of people drill in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Because wrestling in America has been more of an organized sport than jiu-jitsu has. Jiu-jitsu classes, like a lot of them, they'll show you a couple techniques, and then everybody will roll for the remainder of the class. So a lot of little kids, I think that's one thing that's missing. But the thing is that the rolling part is so much fun. You don't want to waste all that time doing the boring stuff of learning the moves.

Like you learn a couple moves and everybody's like, come on, let's just spar, let's just spar. Because it's fun. It's natural chimpanzee fun. For kids too, for a young boy especially, it's like one of the best things to know. Oh, we love to do it. I mean, that's his big thing. When I come home from a road trip or when I've gone out and do stand-up comedy, he can't get enough of his first request.

What do you want to do? And he goes, let's wrestle. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got to get him back in. Get him back involved. I think instinctually also he remembers some of the stuff. He was in it for a pretty significant amount of time.

And then he did. Well, before we leave, man, I'll talk to you. I'll find some place for him. Eddie should have like a fourth planet. Oh, for little kids? Yeah. It's not a bad idea. Yeah, it's hard, man.

Teaching children's classes is difficult. I used to watch John Jock Machado teach. He used to have, I think he brought it back recently, but he had a children's class for a long time before he discontinued it. And it's just hard, man. It's hard to get them to pay attention. It's half of it is babysitting, you know, especially when they're like five and six.

They're nutty. They're running around screaming and kicking things, and then it distracts the other kids, and you're trying to get everybody's attention to teach them to move. Kicking each other. Yeah. Constantly poking at each other. And kids get sad when they lose.

When they get tapped out, they cry, and, you know, it's like, ugh. Yeah. You know, I've seen kids get really upset when they got tapped out in training. You know, and then other kids were laughing and giggling about it, and those kids, like, did better. And I've seen kids get really upset when they got tapped out in training. And then other kids were laughing and giggling about it. And those kids did better. But it's such a good thing to learn as a young boy to deal with other kids fucking with them too. To have some confidence.

It's going to be my security when the end of the world comes. Did you teach them how to shoot guns yet? Yeah. No, no gun in the house. No gun in the house? Are you going to teach your daughter how to shoot a gun right away? I think it's a good idea to know how to shoot guns yet? Yeah. No, no gun in the house. No gun in the house? Are you going to teach your daughter how to shoot a gun right away? I think it's a good idea to know how to shoot a gun. Yeah. This is what I think.

I don't think everybody should have access to a gun, but I think you should never be in a situation where a gun may save your life, but you don't know how to fucking use it. You look at it and you're like, how does it work? And then you're dead. If you leave a gun around with me, I know how to use it. I'm no marksman, but I know what the fuck is going on.

And I think you should know what the fuck is going on too. I think you should know when the safety's on. I think you should know when there's one in the chamber. I think you should know how to fucking shoot something. You should know how to do it.

I think it's better to have it and not to need it. Look, I would hope that the singularity comes first and that what happens is we all realize that we're all this one crazy consciousness, that's somehow or another connected through this new science and this new technology. And that, you know, we should treat each other better, because we actually do suffer when others suffer, and we do gain when others gain, and that

we all together collectively can work together for a much more perfect version of the future and for reality and for, for life and for human beings. That's very, very possible that that's what's going to happen to us. Or the shit could hit the fan. Either one could happen. The thing is, my first scenario, the beautiful one, has never taken place before. As far as we know, we've always known that there's some potential untapped for human behavior. And we've looked at it as Valhalla.

We've looked at it as heaven. We've looked at it as the idea that at one point in time, the great ones had it right. That maybe there's some place in another dimension where everybody has it right. We know that there's something that could be done better than what we're doing. We know that there are times when we interact with each other where it's just absolutely beautiful and perfect. And human beings, if we were all like friends when we interact with each other where it's just absolutely beautiful and perfect and human beings. If we were all like friends when we're having our best moment together, the life would just be one awesome fucking collaboration. Sure.

And then there's the other times when you probably should know how to bust a cap. Yes. You got to know how to fuck somebody up. But you also have to realize that there's a lot of nature involved in this whole thing and that there seems to be some sort of a race. And the race is between people getting stupider and society and civilization getting more and more ridiculous and more and more out of control and hyper-technology at the same time.

People getting smarter. Yeah, people are getting much smarter, but there's also way more dumb people too. Or we just know about it. Well, dude, how about the Detroit statistic is the one that kills me. In Detroit right now, 47% of the population is functionally illiterate. 47% of the population in a major city in the United States of America. That's fucking terrifying.

Scary. Because those people are only as smart as the people they know how about that how about they get all their information from the people around them so they've lost everything that everyone else has learned they've lost everything that's helped everyone who can read books

they don't have any connection with that they have to get all their information from I Heards they have to someone say I heard this I heard they're going to do that. I heard they're going to do this. 47% need that. 47%. Could you imagine if you could go back in time to a time when there was no internet and no one knew, and you would try to communicate with people and tell them how ridiculous this is, that one day we're going to have things written down in books and you're going to be able to access knowledge. And then you're going to be able to go online and ask questions.

They'll look at you like you're out of your fucking mind. Like, what are you even saying? Well, there's people living like that in 2011. That's amazing. That's a funny sketch. 47%, dude. When is that going to end? How do you stop that?

How do you even fix that? Thursday. What does it feel like to be a teacher in Detroit? No, just a teacher in general. I mean, you're just overwhelmed. My wife is a teacher, and there's kids that have such horrible home situations. She was in an interview that you can't,

like a parent-teacher night, when my wife was teaching first grade I would go and help out and go to a classroom And that's another thing when we first met my wife was teaching at a homeless kids school So that shit who doesn't turn up every day. They have no consistency as Americans we go to school in the middle of the boat, I mean Every other so many other nations

are going to have more school days than we are. So we're disadvantaged anyway. So then you take a kid and you put him in a motel or wherever he's living, and you take some horrible home life, and like a Detroit situation where parents are doing drugs, you know, or whatever is happening,

and then you try to send somebody to school, you're just fucked. You have no ability, and these kids aren't getting meals straight every day. And they're taking away chocolate and strawberry milk in schools too. Why is that? I don't know. They just announced that the other day.

That's the least you can do. When politicians come on and they do, there are cutbacks in saying that we're going to cut school lunches and stuff like that. So many kids relying on that lunch for their main meal every single day yeah and then like i was saying when we had parent teacher conference like in a rich school everybody shows up everyone's super involved these we had nobody show up we have five parents out of the 25 kids that she had five parents showed up as it's ridiculous you can't win so now we're all screwed because now we're gonna have generations and generations of kids that have just horrible education.

As a parent, doesn't that really hurt your feelings? What, dad? When you see kids that are abandoned like that. Oh, my God. It makes me cry. There was a documentary on the Motel Kids of Orange County. You look that up. Motel Kids of Orange County.

I don't want to watch it. No, you don't want to watch it. But I stumbled across it. And I saw this little kid in a dumpster trying to get toys out of it. Then he just sat in the dumpster at one point and started playing with these toys. Having a son,

you can't help but empathize with that little kid or what his situation is. It's like if you're not human. It's so horrible, man. It makes me so sad. It makes me so sad. There's nothing to me like watching a kid who's fucked, who's got no dad, who's got no mom,

who's got no one who's worth anything in their life, or some kid whose parents are yelling at them. I've seen that a lot, too. I try to do as much as I can. I started volunteering through the L.A. Education Partnership just recently, and I just went out to speak to a high school class at Sun Valley High School. It's all Latino kids living in this.

It's not the best neighborhood up there. And just tell them, because my mom used to clean houses for $6 an hour and then bought this company. And it's not like I'm doing any motivational speaking or anything like that. I'm just saying, hey, my mom cleaned houses for $6 an hour. I have my own job now.

And I'm here during the day wearing shorts. Right. Because I work hard. There's a way to get out. There's a way out of here. Yeah. And you work really hard and stuff like that. So, I mean, people can do that, and businessmen and people that are successful should go show these kids,

especially if you came out of a rough situation. Say, hey, just so you know, came from the exact same spot you're in. And on some point, I was like, I used to be that kid with the hoodie up in the back not paying attention. How you doing?

I used to be you and say like that. And now, there's anger in the back. Do you ever feel angry that when you were a kid that no one ever gave you the option of stand-up comedian?

Does it ever annoy you when you look back and you were a class clown or anything like that? That's why I was sort of a quiet class clown and I think about that all the time because that's why i went out to these kids and it's like hey you guys there's a lot of other jobs like i write jokes i get paid a lot from uh and you know i just got this other gig that's my dream gig and it's all because it but hard work

is through everything so um we had career day at our school i remember we had bob sarlott who's a comedian you know he played his Lettermans. And he was one of Letterman's buddies and he went to my high school, so he played those. But I still didn't put two and two together that there was comedy writing. You can pay a fortune being a comedy writer.

Really? You mean for sitcoms and stuff? For sitcoms, stuff like that. I mean, showrunner and stuff like that. No one, in terms of the writing jobs that sort of exist, and the ability to be creative and a joke writer, like my buddy Joe Bartnik

writes roast jokes for people and stuff like that. And he writes dirty jokes. Do you know Joe? Don't you know Joe Bartnik? I think so, yeah. And he makes

a good amount of money. It's very hard to do that though. Yeah. That's difficult. But there are... I mean, even being a showrunner, I mean, god damn, that's hard to do.

Jobs could be funny. I don't think any Mexican kids know that showrunner exists. Is a possibility. Because there are... I mean, even being a showrunner, I mean, god damn, that's hard to do. Jobs could be funny. I don't think any Mexican kids know that showrunner exists. Is a possibility. Because there are very few. Nobody's dad was that. That's one of the cool things, obviously, about Hollywood, though, is that you can get a position as a PA on a set

and see the whole thing, like how it all works. And guys do. Yeah, people intern, and they get PA pa positions and then they slowly move up the ladder you know that was one of the cool things about fear factor seeing guys that were basically in the beginning they were like pa low-level producers executive producers yeah yeah yeah that's it yeah there's a there's a ladder of you know success that you can climb

out here you know it's not necessarily even dependent on. Same thing with everything is what we were talking about is the guy works their ass off, though. Yes. Yeah, and is in the fucking zone. Yep. With everything, man. It all can be traced back to that. Yes.

Effort. Effort, intensity, and focus. It's like that's the main things about life. Get your fucking mind right. Put your effort, your intensity, and your focus into some sort of a positive direction. Yeah. But goddamn, that's hard to manage.

That's like, you know, we are all born with this super complicated fucking computer and not a manual to be seen anywhere. And so the only way we know how to use this super fucking complicated computer is talk to these other people that are using the computer and function on the very minimal built-in software that it has to be afraid of dogs and shit like that. Yeah. Look out for snakes. You know what I mean? I mean, the knowledge that's built in is like so minimal. It's like the bare bones. But it is very helpful to have that guy who's five years ahead of you, ten years ahead of you.

Fuck yeah. The mentor. Like, not enough people are doing that anymore where they're really... Even that. He might be five years ahead of you and a fucking idiot. And leading you down the same stupid road that he went down. Sure. Bad mentor.

Yeah. Yeah. That's another thing. But I'm saying. So many of us. That's the real problem. It's so likely. Yeah.

You got to trust the right person. Yeah. So the advice and who to look up to and shit like that is very important. Well, I think that's the number one problem that a lot of people have in life. And I have had it at one point in time in my life is that you get stuck in some sort of situation where you don't relate to anybody in your world you don't relate to anybody at your job you don't relate to anybody you know that you're friends with still from high school you just feel real disconnected from them and you don't know anybody that thinks the way you do it's fucking before the internet man some guys

would live quiet lives of of despair and desperation is that a fucking quote that someone said about most men i forget there's an author that said most men live quiet lives of desperation. And that is so fucking true. Well, I think that's why I was so relieved when I met all my fellow comics.

Yes. Because I'm like, hey, these are my guys. Dude, I love all these guys. If I'm ever out somewhere having dinner and I run into you,

you know, I'm so happy. That happened in Vegas. Yeah. I walked up and I was like, hey, and I saw you and Eddie. Yeah, yeah. It's like you run into people that are – no one else is like that. Running into a comic, to another comic is like,

here's someone who's the only people I know that are going to get me 100%. The only people that I know that I'm 100% honest with and that is 100% honest with me. I can trust comics. In Vegas, my friend Mickey Joseph started doing this thing where they were meeting, all comics were meeting over at the Hooters Casino Friday nights late. So if you were working Vegas,

then all the comedians from all the shows all over Vegas the word got out and you would go meet at Hooters and they had you know Bud Light deal and some wings up there

what time is the show? what time would they do that? they do it late night so it'll be 1130 are they still doing it? yeah I think they do it every Friday every Friday

every Friday and comedy fans you can go and whoever wants to go like people then they have a deal on Bud Lights. Well, I'm doing Vegas, doing the Mandalay Bay Theater with Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir, and I think Doug Benson's going to stop in, too, and do a set.

And that's June, what is it, 18th or something? I thought it was July 2nd. July 1st. July 1st. What's June 18th? I don't even know where the fuck I'm going every week, man. Vancouver? How much do you know your...

No. Vancouver's the ninth. I might be going to Montreal, and then I might be going on tour with Tosh. I've got to figure out that. Oh, nice. And then, for a little bit, I think he's going to split it up,

and then I start work on that show. I got an NBC show picked up. Oh. And then I start work on that show. I start work. I got an NBC show picked up. Oh, really? Yeah. What's that all about? Free Agents with Hank Azaria.

Oh, wow. It's me and Natasha Leggero because I love her. And it's just like being able to see her at work every day. It's me, her, Hank Azaria, his comedian Mo Mandel. And what network is this for? NBC, 830 Wednesdays. Wow, dude. That's sweet. Maybe we'll be seeing each other at functions.

Yeah, like I said, I don't know what's happening with the Fear Factor thing. I don't know if I'm going to wind up doing it. July 1st is the date that we're at Vegas. So maybe afterwards we'll go to this Hooters thing. It depends on who's in town. Well, and also, yeah, you can see cool people. All comedians are happy running into you on the road. You don't have to.

They'd be thrilled if you went by and you just stopped by for a second and said hello to some people. But anyway, it's nice to see fellow comics and it's like yeah two soldiers passing on the battlefield yep two two familiars head none yeah it's like very few people will understand what a weird life it is you know what a weird dance we would go through you know and and we go through it together you know that's one of the more fascinating things about comedy is that you get to watch a guy in the beginning and then watch him develop and grow over the years. And I saw you for the first time in San Francisco.

Was it like 2000? I think so. Yeah? I know exactly when it was. It was your very first year of Fear Factor when you were in the first season. Was it really? What was that?

2001, I think. I don't remember. And then we worked a bunch. Yeah, and then you brought Eddie up the next time. Yeah. And that was the old Cobbs. Yep. That was Cobbs by the water, and it was this tiny-ass, it was 150 seats or something like

that. Yeah, great little space. It was amazing. It was so fun. It's like doing those clubs where it's almost underground a little bit, where it's like DC improv is like that, where it's underground. It's just how it should be. Comedy works in Denver is like that

where you go under and it's a nice little space. Yeah, that place is gorgeous. Perfect. But even that is bigger than this San Francisco thing. Oh, it was tiny, yeah. San Francisco was...

200 people tops. I don't think it was... Was it even that many, man? Yeah, that's Heath Packham in there. Really? He got 200 people in that room? 200 people tops. And then he matched me up with you a bunch of times.

But you're right. I'm such a different comic than I was then. Well, you were funny back then. Oh, thanks. You have a lot of stuff to figure out. Yeah, I still do, dude. I still do. I learn a lot.

I'm still slapping it all together and pulling it apart and looking at it sideways. You're never done. You're never done. You're never done with comedy, man. I went and opened up with completely new. I thought, I'm going to put some stuff away. Just this last week, I go and I'm going to do 100% new from the very beginning. Right. Brutal.

You know, I probably should start with one that I know works and works. I feel like. And then let them build confidence. And then I'll launch into the new one. It'll probably go better. And sure enough, yeah. Always a better idea to start with one that you know is good. Well, especially when the audience doesn't know what to expect.

Yeah. You know, they might not have ever seen you before. No, no one has. And that's the other thing about the daily show and this TV show is like, oh, now people are going to actually be coming out for me. Yeah. And it'll be good. Sure.

And Twitter, too. Al Magical. M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L. Last time Sure, and Twitter too. Al Magical. M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L. Last time I was on the show. Al Magical. Yeah, my Twitter, and you did that. It's going to blow up. It really did.

Good. What's your new show about? The new show is Hank Azaria and his actress Catherine Han are just recently separated, divorced. Her husband died, and he got divorced after 15 years, and then they start hooking up in the office,

so they're free agents. And I'm, you know, a guy at work. Have you ever had any problems working with actors? A little bit. I've been in some pretty difficult situations. You know what I think is, I can sum them all up without, I've been pretty bad about naming names on some of these actors,

so they come back and bite me in the ass, they, all these guys, they make so much fucking money. Cause you know how much money these, I mean, per week, an actor that's been on TV for a long time has got a quote that just goes,

skyrocket. So when you start on acting, maybe let's see, you get paid $20,000 a week, which seems like just an incredible amount. But that quote as you get more and more into your seasons or you get job after job after job builds and builds and builds so here you have these spoiled brats that have had people catering into them constantly i've got joe rogan joe rogan is going to be coming this way okay i've got joe and their head you know on headsets yeah there's

food everywhere and everything's catered and your makeup is getting done somebody's going are you good joe are you good you know can i get you anything we got some pizzas coming in they treat you like a god gotta treat like a god constantly so there's people like a charlie sheen or anything like that on the highest level are getting treated incredibly well all the time and then they lose you know take for granted the fact that I was making in one week what my dad was making in a year and a half at one point. And if you haven't lived real life prior to going into all of this shit, I think you lose that perspective. So you end up working with some real fucking assholes who are mean to the makeup lady and say, this soup is shit. And are going around complaining about it. In his defense, I don't think Charlie Sheen was ever like that.

I think Charlie Sheen was a nice guy to a lot of people. Oh, I just use him as a name of the people that are making an incredible amount of money. Oh, okay. And also, you know, his quote was what? He's making $2 million an episode. Yeah. And that's more than people make in a lifetime. Well, he was obviously, he's obviously got some problems.

Yeah. What I'm saying is at the highest level of TV work, you make an incredible amount of money. Incredible amount of money. And even along the way, most people, you know, they're just one person in an ensemble cast. They make ridiculous amounts of money compared to the average person. Lottery shit. Like, you're so excited. But if you haven't, like, with all the TV stuff, yeah, you end up working with people that lose sight of that.

Well, psychologically, I think that thing that you were talking about, having everyone kissing your ass, it's just, you get confused and you start thinking that somehow or another you deserve that. I am great. It's strange to watch from the outside as well. You know, I just did this Kevin James movie where Kevin James plays an MMA fighter called Here Comes the Boom. And I'm on the set with man, Kevin's a great guy.

He's got a, he's very down to earth. Like he's not, he doesn't have any, what are you doing? Is that your phone? It's not mine. Somebody's. Anyway, he's very down to earth. He doesn't have any like problems with wanting to be the man. You know, he's like super friendly to everybody, just there to work, get things done.

But everybody like when he's around, man, they're like, the king is here, the king is here. You know, like craft service people, people around the set. This is the guy. Here he comes, here he comes, here he comes. Hi, Kevin. Hi, Kevin. Hey, Kevin.

So my brother, I think I was telling you, and people act weird around you. Yeah. And that's what it is. Yeah. And then they start thinking that they deserve that. Yeah. That's one of the things that I loved about doing Fear Factor

was that I didn't have to do any work with actors anymore. I was like, oh, great. Let me do this fucking thing by myself. Yeah. And not that it wasn't an incredibly talented group of people doing news radio, but even that. All the other personalities that can be difficult and people that, again, do take it for

that's the only explanation i have for anybody acting shitty is just they're just taking it for granted they're not they're forgetting yeah they're delusional or they're crazy which is a lot of people to get into in the first place i was reading uh how many people are bipolar there's some sort of a number online of people that are bipolar so So I just started looking up bipolar on Google. I did some Google bipolar search and found all these fucking famous people that are bipolar. Who? Oh, I don't even want to name names. Okay.

But it's just like, what exactly does that mean? You know, and how fucked up are you? You know, what's going on out here? And I think as far as like Hollywood and like the need to have that kind of incredible amount of attention, to need to be under a spotlight, to need to be, you know, worshipped everywhere you go.

There's a, there's, what is that, you know? It's another hilarious thing that Duncan said last night. And I was like, he goes, why are we making excuses for everybody who's just an asshole?

He goes, oh, he has Asperger's. He's Bud Kohler. No, that guy's a fucking asshole. Like it it was just now we're trying to create a condition to make it okay for that guy to be asked well you know he's bipolar right yeah well i think it's a real thing though no it probably is it's a funny joke yeah it's a very funny it's a funny joke but you know like asperger's and autism and everything that's that's a funny i mean, that's real shit. What is Asperger's? I have a friend, his son has autism, and it's really hard. It's incredibly hard.

Like you see that, like you know, you know, the stuff that he has to deal with, it's just he talks about it, and it's just hard to wrap your head around how much more difficult it is than having a regular kid, you know, or a kid that doesn't have any issues. It's, I wonder what it is, though, man. When you see these kids kids and there's a bunch of them online of different examples of children who have some incredible ability as well as being autistic. Like there's a boy, we've talked about him before, who can look out the window of a plane

as he's driving over a city and then he draws the city in scale, perfect. Really? Yeah, it's amazing. And he's got autism. And there's all sorts of other kids that, you know, have autism and they also are amazing at something. You know, I mean, there's a bunch. So people are trying to figure out what the fuck that is. You know, I mean, I wonder if that is eventually what human beings are going to be like. I wonder if the autistic super genius mind that allows that little child to draw that image, looking out the window at a city, maybe that is a hint of what the future human is going to be capable of is in comparison to us in comparison to the monkeys

that were our ancestors, you know, our ape ancestors that were flipping over cow turds looking for worms to eat their mind and compared to the capabilities of our mind, is just like us compared to that autistic kid. I mean, it's like it could be that what we're seeing is this one weird thing happens in this child's mind and all the other stuff gets fucked up and frazzled because one side is like so much more powerful and one area has like so much more ability than the rest of the mind that it's just not quite ready yet that it's like some some early versions of this new future incredible superhuman that we're we're eventually becoming yeah it's difficult to see anybody with autism because there's all different you know uh levels sure and some of them are just completely in trouble that's another

thing where i you're talking about seeing a kid that was in the dumpster or anything like that. It doesn't really tell because some parent having to deal with a kid with autism or any severe handicap in any sort of way just makes you hard. Yeah, it does because I also feel for the parent too. And the kid, you know, is just completely sweet, but just it's tough and it must be difficult to see. Also, I mean, and I'm just assuming, and I've never talked to anybody about it, but it's got to be hard to see you holding hands with your daughter and me playing with my son wrestling.

And then when their kid, there's a kid that walks around our block, and he came up, me and my son were playing catch in the front, playing football. And this kid went up to the ball, and ball and i go hey you want to catch the ball and the dad said yeah he can't he can't hear you man um and the dad was walking like 10 paces behind his kid and i go you want to try it you know and i gave him the ball and then he just sort of dropped it and walked away and my son goes dad what's going you know and i had to explain that but it's like i watched this guy walking 10 paces behind this kid with his backpack just sucking it up and dealing with it and it was just fucking brutal like and here i am i'm going go deep okay blue 42 all right cut at

the car i want you to take a left and he's you know and i'm hitting my son and my son's putting his hands up in the air and celebrating and you hear this guy's talking and he'll never have any of that. Wow. And I feel horrible about that shit. I don't know what it is, but I was always a pretty big softie before, but the kids really ruined everything.

Well, I was always a big softie for kids just because I remember being a kid and being fucked up and confused. So when I see kids that are fucked up today, it kills me. And having kids yourself just totally takes that to another level. And you have this little human being that you're responsible for raising and talking to and kind of going through life with. It all takes everything to another level.

No, and it's helped me sort of make better choices as well. I always think about what I would tell them. You know, and if you're having too many drinks, getting in the car and shit like that, it's like, what would you tell your kid? You know, it's like, if they had a camera looking in, maybe you should start with that. Imagine your future child is going to be able to see everything. Are you ever going to have kids, Brian? You thought about it at all i mean

why do you want to ruin the world well my whole thing with the kids is i can barely support myself you know so i don't think i need to bring a kid into that not right now but i'm saying at some point in your life yeah yeah you never thought you were going to because i remember we talked about this because i always had kids when we met. Many years ago, yeah. Well, when I first met you, your thing that you were always talking about was that you felt like you had a team. Yeah. Your team, which I kind of understand that. But my issue was always, especially then, I was always worried about having to be responsible for somebody else. I was always worried about having to take care of somebody else and having to succeed because I need to keep them.

Yeah, be responsible for it. Yeah, I mean, especially 15 years ago or whatever, it was very, very much like that. In my mind, that having a child was the ultimate parachute that would pull you back. There was no way you would escape it. There's no way I would be able to do what I wanted to do if I had a child was the ultimate, like, parachute that would pull you back. Like, there was no way you would escape it. You know, there's no way I'd be able to do what I wanted to do if I had a child. That's very true.

It's much harder. Like, I go to do some of these sets, you know, and I'm fucking exhausted. Like, I really am. Like, in terms of handicapping me, I am severely handicapped. It requires a lot of time, but what you get out of it is you become such a different human being. What I said when I called someone cunty, it would have been way worse 10 years ago. Jesus Christ. I would have said something horrible.

Oh, yeah. I would have been so much different in my... I look at everybody now. I swear to God, and I've talked about this before, but it is true. I look at everybody as a baby that grew up. Everybody. When I run into people, when I watch that crazy lady who killed her kid in Florida, no matter who I look at on television, when I meet people in real life, because I've seen babies become little people, and then those little people start talking to you and having conversations to you, and you see their personality blossom. Whenever I see somebody, whether they're kind or whether they're douchebags, I always think, what was this person like when they were a baby?

Changed my whole way of assessing human beings. Instead of assessing them as this guy that I'm meeting that's super douchey and 30, and he's squeezing my hand when he's shaking it he keeps touching my neck and come on stop being weird and instead of seeing that i'm like look at this poor baby that grew up with some fucked up dad who was probably ultra douchey and his mom probably used to scream at him and you know they probably smoked when he was in the womb. And then I'm seeing him now and he's just a bundle of nerves and insecurities and bullshit. I don't see people anymore. I see people, but I see a process.

It's weird. I mean, I see the, I literally, I start going back. I see someone, I meet him. This is Bob. Bob, this is Joe Rogan. Hi, Bob, nice to meet you. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

What happened to Bob? Why is he what happened to Bob why is he wearing that shirt why is he touching my neck guys like to touch you especially like some guys are like into UFC they want to fucking grab you oh really fill you up yeah I've always been that's when I sometimes guys hey I heard you've been grappled to get an overhook on me I'm like hey settle down yeah why are we wrestling it's weird yeah I don't know for the most part

people are super nice you know it's one of the things about the MMA crowd you would think there's way more douchebags than there are the douchebags

kind of get outed and there's some there's some peripheral ones that venture in and out of the business but as far as like a lot of the people you run into

pretty fucking cool like as far as like there's the sheer numbers have you ever have I ever taken you to a ufcl i went to that one in vegas was me and tebow remember when oh that's right down and uh that's right who went it was me and uh what's um ari no i went was joey that shouldain? No, no, no. Either way, who fought? Do you remember? No, it was for the UFC, the TV show where they had... The ultimate fight of the finals?

I think so. You went to one of those? I saw the scarecrow guy knocked out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pablo Garza. Pablo Garza was bad. Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. That one dude broke his hand, right?

He just flying triangled somebody in... Dude, that was amazing. ...in Montreal. He's a beast, that kid. I like that guy a lot. What was the fight over the weekend that some guy broke his hand? Did I read that correctly? After the second round, he broke his hand and he had to stop the fight?

No, you're talking about boxing. Christy Martin. Christy Martin, that old woman that used to box back in the day when Mike Tyson was fighting. She would fight on the undercard. Remember that? The coal miner's daughter? Well, she's an old lady now. She still fights?

She just started fighting again. And her husband tried to kill her last year. He shot her and stabbed her. I remember that. Okay? So, I mean, this bitch recovered from that bitch. I shouldn't say this. This fine lady.

Cunt. This cunt. When I say bitch, I say it with all due respect. It's just the way I talk. Well, that's when you get shot. It's just the way I talk. When you get shot and stabbed and you come back from it, you are a bitch. A mother bitch.

She's a tough bitch. Tough bitch. That's what you say. Anyway, she was lighting this girl up and she dropped the girl and then she hit her with a combination and broke her hand. You could see her wince. And she hit her with it again and then turned and screamed and they pulled her glove off and her hand was just mouth-froaring.

It was horrible looking. It was shattered. I mean, it was so bad she couldn't possibly go on. That's crazy. Uriah Faber broke both his fucking hands in the second round of a five-round war that he had with Mike Brown.

Broke both his fucking hands. So for five rounds, he's trying to grapple and punch with crunchy bones. They're like snapping and moving inside of his hand. And he's got to elbow the dude because he can't punch him anymore. You know, the whole fucking...

But meanwhile, he never quit. I mean, he hung in there for five fucking rounds. Yeah, there's... He broke his hand in his last fight too. He had to go through surgery. Court McGowan broke his hand. Oh, I was saying Court McGowan the comic. This is what I was thinking too.

But there's a fighter named Court McCown? Jesus Christ, yeah. He won the Ultimate Fighter. What is his last name? Hold on. UFC just announced today that they have a new

Xbox channel where you can bet against your friends on it and you can gamble on the UFC channel and watch replays and kind of like fantasy baseball, I think,

but mixed with UFC. It's just a matter of time. Yeah, of course, that's going to be popular. Dude, I've got this guy confused with somebody else. You know Court. I'm going to Google it. That's who I ended up going with. Court McGee.

Court McGee. Jesus Christ. Anytime you get a McG, growing up in Boston, or in so many mix, so many McGivory, McGyver, and McGiver, they all blur. Jesus Christ. Anytime you get a McG. Mc. Growing up in Boston. And a court. So many Mcs. So many McGivory, McGyver, and McGiver. They all blur. They blur together. Yeah, what is it about the name court?

Because there's a court McCoy. Well, Colt McCoy is the quarterback. There's a quarterback that's a. The court and Mc goes together for some odd reason. Anyway, we sat and we watched. And that was one of the first times I had ever seen anything UFC. And then T was down on the floor, dressed up.

That was funny. Was dressed up as what? He was just dressed up. He had his nice studs on. Oh, studly? Yeah, on his side. He was on the floor. Look at him, like a manager.

He was texting me. He's like, Rampage is behind me. That's how good these seats are. Yeah, that's one of the coolest things about having the gig at the UFC is being able to get people those seats. It's fun, man. Being there live and watching it live is a very strange thing, isn't it? It's so...

People who haven't seen a live fight, you can get commentary where you can listen. You can get a little radio and you plug it in your ear. And you can listen to the commentary while the fight's going on. A lot of people like that. But there's something about hearing the impact in real life as opposed to through speakers.

But you only get that if you sit close. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why those... But even if you're not that far away, you're like first tier, first tier at Mandalay Bay, which is not on the floor. It's way better.

First tier is actually better because you can like you look down you have a better view you've got a better vantage point but you want to hear the impact now what about any smack talk

like what goes on it's tough to hear it's tough for me to hear while I'm right there I like Nick Diaz he can he can smack talk and you can hear what he's saying

Nick Diaz once he was fighting Robbie Lawler. And Robbie Lawler was the huge favorite going into this fight. Robbie Lawler was knocking people out. He's a beast. He's still, to this day, he's a beast. So Nick Diaz gets into the cage and just starts going, Stockton, motherfucker. Stockton.

He's like talking 209 and Stockton. And he's pacing back and forth. He goes, Stockton, motherfucker. And he was dead serious. He was dead serious. And you could see Robbie Lawler was like, what? You know and Stockton and he's pacing back and forth. He goes, Stockton, motherfucker. And he was dead serious. He was dead serious. And you could see Robbie Lawler was like, what? You know about Stockton?

No. Okay, Stockton is near Modesto, California and it's a fucking place where that's actually from the joke that I have where I got chased over a fence and I ran to my car with my jacket over my head. Stockton, motherfucker. 209.

Wouldn't it be the same like, Burbank, you man. No. Stockton. If somebody looked at me and said, Stockton 209 wouldn't be the same like Burbank you man Stockton when somebody if somebody looked at me and said Stockton

I'd go okay Stockton all right you win whatever you want Calabasas

yeah Calabasas Stockton Thousand Oaks maybe yeah it's got there's a lot

of crime I think it leads also America maybe foreclosed homes you know it's not a good area it's like me. There's a lot of crime. I think it leads also America, maybe foreclosed homes. It's not a good area. It's the second highest crime rate in California, right after

Oakland. Oakland's the highest and then Stockton is number two. And it leads the country, or it leads the state rather, in home repossessions. It's tough action, man. So when he said, when Nick least the state, rather, in home repossessions. It's tough action, man. Yeah. So when he said, when Nick Diaz says, Stockton, there's something behind that.

There's something behind that. Yeah. He's being very serious. So that's what he was saying. He was just repeating that over and over again? Yeah, and then when he fights guys, he calls them bitch all the time. What bitch? What bitch?

You want this bitch? Pow! Like, he'll hit guys and talk shit to them. He was talking shit to Robbie Lawler the whole time they fought. He was talking shit to him. And Robbie Lawler didn't talk shit back. I thought he would. You know?

But I think that guy really flusters a lot of people with his shit talking. You know? Like when he was fighting Frank Shamrock, Frank Shamrock said it best. He was like, I can't, like he was doing it

and I can't believe he's doing it while he's doing it. Like, is this guy really talking this much shit to me? Because nobody talks shit to anybody. That guy's like, what? Nobody talks shit to me, and this guy's talking shit to me? He's a fascinating cat, man, because he does fucking triathlons. He's really into doing high endurance shit, and he gets super baked

and then rides his bike and swims and runs. His endurance is ridiculous. He's got Ironman triathlon endurance. That's one of the reasons why he fucks guys up. He just puts a pace on them that they can't keep up with him. It's just like he's running with them. He just makes them run at his pace, and then before you know it, they're wilting,

and he's beating the fuck out of them. He does that to everybody, man. He did it to Paul Daly. He's going to fight Nick Diaz now. Or excuse me, he's going to fight George St. Pierre now. They're going to fight in October. I'm sure he'll talk shit to him. He's going to talk mad shit. It's going to fight Nick Diaz now. Or excuse me, he's going to fight George St. Pierre now. They're going to fight in October. I'm sure he'll talk shit. He's going to talk mad shit. It's going to be awesome.

And George is such a polite guy that it's going to be such an interesting contrast in styles. He's going to kill him. GSP is going to kill him? Yes. You think so? Fuck yes. I don't think that's even a that's an easy one. Oh, you can't say that.

You don't know what you're talking about. Listen, when was the last time you saw Nick Diaz fight? I haven't seen it lately. Okay, so you got to shut the fuck up. That's ridiculous. That's just my opinion. You're giving some crazy expert talk. I'm going to bet on it on Xbox. How much do you want to bet?

20 bucks. I bet that it's a good fight. That's what I bet. I don't want to pick a winner, but I think it's going to be a good fight. It's all about whether or not Nick can work off of his back. Because I don't think George is going to want to stand up with Nick. Nick's got some serious fucking hands and he puts himself in danger to land shots.

And he does some stuff that is just really atypical of guys trying to play it safe and guys that are like champions. Like a lot of times guys get to a certain point and they fight to win, but when they can win and coast and not put themselves in danger, they will sometimes.

This is GSP you're talking about. Well, GSP's done that. You're not listening to me. Oh, no, no. GSP does that. GSP does that. Nick Diaz does not do that. You're listening to me.

I thought you were. No, when Nick Diaz just fought his last fight, he fought a serious fucking dangerous striker, this guy Paul Daly. And Paul Daly does not have a good jiu-jitsu game. Paul Daly, his defense is okay. It's pretty good. But his stand-up is wicked. Nick Diaz went after him only with stand-up. Didn't even try to submit him. Didn't try to take him down. Just banged it out with him and dragged him into deep water and then knocked him out. And it was incredible. And the way he did it was a way that George would never do it. He threw himself into the fire. He even got clipped and knocked down. He's not supposed to be striking with this guy. This guy is one of the best strikers in the sport.

And he struck with him. He hung in there with him, and he beat him down. And he's a beast, man. You cannot count out Nick Diaz. So don't say that. I'll say what I want. You're being silly, though. I'm just trying to build up the fight.

Are you really? That's what you're doing? You're working for the company now? You're the anti-hype guy? You're being silly, though. I'm just trying to build up the fight. Are you really? That's what you're doing? You're working for the company now? Yeah. You're the anti-hype guy? You're the behind-the-scenes hype? I don't like it when people say, this guy's going to win or that guy's going to win. You know why I don't like it?

Because you don't know, man. You know, the only reason I say that is, man, GSP, there's only a couple guys that I just would never bet against. Because, I mean, the only thing that would ever ruin GSP, in my opinion, would be a woman. It's a good call. Look, GSP's a fucking beast. GSP is an amazing fighter, and he's very smart.

And he's got great wrestling. You know, the key to GSP's success is that he's always able to take guys down if he wants him to. His wrestling is fucking solid as shit. And because of that, because he's able to dictate where the fight goes, he's always got this advantage of being able to make the call. You know, very few guys can stop him from taking them down. And he's so hard to take down himself. Fight geek talk.

No, it's all right. I just saw it when I said my first one. I was extremely impressed. When I went out to Vegas, it was incredible. Well, Georges St-Pierre is a perfect example of why this sport is so atypical. Because as Nick Diaz is the shit talker and Nick Diaz is the guy, Georges St-Pierre is one of the best pound for pound fighters on the planet. And he couldn't be a nicer guy.

He's so friendly and so humble and so down to earth and so genuine. He's like a really nice guy and he's very intelligent. You know, it's, it's very unusual. If I was going to have a man crush, I might have to have it with him. He's a handsome bastard. He's a fucking superhero. So if you had to sleep with one UFC fighter, it would be GSP? No, it would be a smaller guy who couldn't be the top.

I would want to dictate when the butt fucking happens. I'll get some bantam weight with a shitty work ethic. I don't know, GSP's being my boyfriend. You know, I'll take some ladyboy Thailand dude. Decent leg kicks. Nice little Asian boy. Nothing that's going to really fucking hurt you. You got to be careful.

But, you know, he's such a contrast in style. Most of these guys, if you think of champions, you think of champion fighters, you think of real rough, like Mike Tyson type characters. You know, when Mike Tyson was the champion like he was everybody's worst nightmare this kid from this terrible ghetto home that will punch you in a street fight that'll rape you if you're alone in a hotel with him you know he's a fucking savage should just go after you and he might be one of the very best heavyweight fighters in

history when he was in his prime I mean he didn't get, I mean, he didn't get to fight Joe Louis. He didn't get to fight Muhammad Ali when they were in their prime. But goddamn, how exciting would that have been? How exciting would have been Tyson, the Tyson that fought Spinks, that Tyson in his prime was just a destroyer going against a guy like Muhammad Ali? And people say, oh, Muhammad Ali would have killed him. Who the fuck knows? You don't know. You don't know. Do they simulate that stuff just like they simulate football games? Yes, but did it with rocky marciano and muhammad ali and they had

rocky marciano knocking muhammad ali out and muhammad ali was like whoever knocked me out how is this 185 pound man gonna knock me out whoever knocked me out before so they had this this silly computer thing that did this they have video games that do it but meanwhile muhammad ali was like a legit heavyweight too like Like the Rocky Marciano era, people were really small. Rocky Marciano was smaller than me. You know,

he might have been like a little taller. He was like 5'10", but he weighed 183, 185 pounds. You see basketball footage and it's a peach basket and guys are passing it around

like white guys. And I want to say he's actually bigger than me because he was like lean and fit for 185 pounds, whatever the fuck he was. But when you think of a heavyweight, you don't think of anyone even remotely close to what I weigh. You think of a guy like Lennox Lewis. That's a fucking heavyweight today. And Rocky Marciano wasn't that kind of a heavyweight.

He was a small guy. He just was this super fucking strong Italian peasant genes that could just fucking smash you and just tough. Just take shots and come at you. You know, it's incredible, like, the sport of boxing, how it's evolved over the years. And you see, like, the guys that, you know, like, were in the olden days where they would, like, fight with, like, little tiny ass gloves. You ever watch those, like, Jack Dempsey fights on YouTube and shit? They basically had speed bag gloves. These little tiny knuckle pads.

And they would just beat the fuck out of each other. And sometimes they would have like 20 round fights and shit. A strip of lead maybe in there. Yeah, every now and then. Well, guys get busted for that today still even. Oh, really? Margarito got busted. He got suspended for a whole year.

Heavy gloves. He had plaster inside of his gloves. What he did was somehow or another put plaster in his hand wraps and as his hands sweat and it gets water in there

it packs tight and hard. And he denies that he knew that it was in there but other people say he must have. But either way he fucked a lot of people up

before he had that and then once he had that in all of a sudden he lost all that punching power that he was stopping everybody with, which is really scary to think about, the fact that this guy might have fought

more than one fight through his career with loaded gloves. Sure. He's got fucking rocks in his gloves. Rocks, just plastered. It's a hard sport, Rocky. It's a hard sport. It's a hard sport to watch those old-time guys now when they try to talk.

I was talking to my pal Brian Diamond. He's one of the producers of Spike TV. He was talking about they had an Ali special, all the different men who had faced Ali in his prime, and that they had to show subtitles for a lot of these guys because it's very difficult to understand what they're saying.

There was a guy that showed up at the improv when I was there, and they explained to me that, I guess he had snuck in the showroom, but somebody explained to me that this guy was the top athlete in his day, and he got in a car accident. So he got this big scholarship. Ken Norton? No. He never became pro, but he was going to be the shit baseball player.

And got in a head-on car accident. Some boosters took him out from the college that he was going to be the shit baseball player. And got in a head-on car accident. And some boosters took him out from the college that he was going to go to. And head-on collision and brain damage. So now this big motherfucker comes in, sits right in the front row. They said they didn't know how he snuck in. No one was going to move him. And just looked at me. And just all he could say was was that's what she said.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And just kept doing that over and over again. Where was this? At the improv, Hollywood Improv. Oh my God. So I'm looking down, I'm like, there's no winning. Did you know who he was? No, somebody explained to me even before he snuck in the showroom

that that's who this guy is. So this guy was going to be the best baseball player, biggest hitter just of all time. How long ago was this crash? I have no idea. He was older at this point. He's like 45 years old when I saw him. So then he sneaks in the showroom and sits right in the front row. And they already explained who he was.

So I knew he was mentally handicapped because he'd been in this accident. But, you know, he was just a poor guy. He was 6'6", or whatever. and the same thing with the boxers when you see a boxer who can't really talk and their brain is just mush it's another thing softy i tell you i feel for all these emotional as i'm getting older you know i was never i was never a football fan growing up so i didn't really pay attention to it that much. But as I get older, I watch football on TV every now and then. I watch some of these fucking collisions that these guys get hit and

knocked unconscious and taken off the field. I love it. I'm a huge NFL fan. I've grown up with it my entire life. I love NFL football. The strike is killing me. Anybody who could ever say that MMA is more violent than football, they're out of their fucking mind. It's more personal.

It's more personal because you're naked and you're kicking each other and sweating on top of each other. It's more primal. But there's nothing like a 300-pound super athlete running and colliding with someone at full speed. It's fucking crazy to watch, man. There was a real sports with Brian Gumbel that had a football player on that just,

and he had a suction thing in his mouth and his wife had to suck because he couldn't even clear out his own fucking saliva from all the impact that he's had over the years. Well, they had a bunch of guys that have Lou Gehrig's disease. There was a bunch of football players that have come up with it, and it's apparently super common for severe, severe head trauma. And that's one of the things they're finding out about all these football players. Guys who are young, guys who have only been playing pro ball for a couple years,

they die and then they do autopsies on them. And I'm like, this poor guy was fucked. He was already probably in stages of dementia. And they're 28 years old 30 years old and there's nothing they can do about it other than completely stopping the game and reassessing it and changing the rules they're gonna install some sort of uh devices in dudes headgear and their their helmets that's gonna gauge their impacts and so when they find out like what levels of you know impact are tolerable and at what time.

But, man, if they start doing CAT scans on dudes while they're... Yeah, you're getting jacked up. I wonder if they start doing CAT scans how many guys in pro football would turn up to have brain damage. A lot? Probably, man. It's a hard way to make a living. People will talk about how, you know, man, it's great, the life of an athlete. They're so lucky.

God damn, you know how hard it must be to be a professional football player in the NFL at the top of the league with all those super fucking athletes? Yeah. Especially those guys who are on the practice squad who can't even make the team in the first place and they're still getting hit and making $30,000 a year.

Dude. Or any semi-pro shit or anything like that? Could you imagine if you had to compete against Ray Lewis? Could you imagine if you saw Ray Lewis chasing after you? Could you fucking imagine the terror that you would feel if you're running with that ball and Ray Lewis is fucking moving at you? I always think about it all the time. If I got hiked the ball and I had a professional offensive line in front of me,

how far I could actually make it. Could I gain a yard? Could I gain a yard? One yard? No. I don't think you would get a step off. I don't think you'd get a step off. I think you have to be a super athlete to just.

I'd get the ball and I couldn't even run to the outside because someone would be on me in a second. Depends on how good the defense is and how well they block, I guess. Like I said, I'm not an expert in football, but I would think that these guys are so fucking fast. One yard. Yeah, all I wanted was one yard. I don't think I could make it at all.

I get tackled in the backfield every fucking time. Did you play any sports growing up? No, I wanted to. I was telling a story the other night. It's a new story that I'm telling, but I wanted to play sports so bad, and I got cut. I was sort of good in everything, but not good enough to make the teams. What did you try to play?

In my high school, I tried to play football, and I should have gone back. I think it was a mistake that I didn't make the football team because I thought I was good, and I was tall enough and big enough to make the football team, certainly. So I think there was a clerical error, and I just never went and fought it. Yeah, I know. To this day. Basketball, I was good enough to make a B team or something like that,

but not good enough to make the team. And then baseball, nothing, so I ended up doing track. When you went to college, did you keep anything up in college? No. I didn't do anything in college. I was just the worst. I really wanted to be involved in activities,. I didn't do anything in college. I was just the worst. I really wanted to be involved in activities,

but I didn't do anything. I really didn't do anything, especially in college. What was your major? What did you want to do? I wanted to be a business major. I was going to go into advertising. I ended up graduating

with human resources because that's what my parents' family business was. I told you I used to fire people, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I had the job of the hatchet man. So I knew I was going to do that. And so I went to school for HR and knowing that I was going to go into my parents' family business, which was firing people. And what made you get into stand-up? I hated firing people. So I really, yeah, I really did. And so I was volunteering with the Big Brothers and Big Sisters

and I was trying to do all this stuff to balance out the fact that I was firing single moms during the day. And then everyone always told me I should do standup. And I was watching like short attention span theater and all this comedy central stuff. And the a list, you remember that or stand up, stand up with Wally Collins,

all these shows that would go. Wow. And I was like, I gotta do that. That's what I want to do. And I gave a speech. I was a salutatorian in my high school class. And I ended up, I killed.

So at 18 or 17, I knew that this was my thing. But it just took me 10 years. I started really late. I started when I was 28. Wow. So that's another thing that I was telling those kids that I went to speak to. It was like the choice of me to do my own thing and work for myself was hands down the best choice I've ever made in my entire life.

Like, without a doubt. Like, the chance to go away. Because I had some of my parents, you know, offer me that company. I was going to get offered a Range Rover, $500,000 a year, something like that. Really? They were going to give you a car? Oh, a car and a house. The whole thing.

Really? Yeah. They, you know, this is a bigger company. We had a car? Oh, a car and a house, the whole thing. Really? Yeah. This is a bigger company. We had a lot of employees, 2,500, 30,000 employees. So they were offering you all this stuff. And I walked away from it because when things started going well, I just sort of said, you know, I've got to do this stand-up. How long had you been doing stand-up then?

Well, I got a gig. Let's say I went to Montreal and I got cast in my own TV show. So it was easy for me to go. How many years had you been doing stand-up by then? Four years. Four years? So this was year 32? What's that?

You did it from 28 to 32 and that's when you quit? 28 to 32, yeah. Nice. Yeah, man. Changes. Changes and risks. You got to take them. Did you have kids at this time?

Lorenzo was one. That's scary. Yeah. So then I came down to LA. It pretty much was sort of written off. It's like, okay, you're That's scary. Yeah. So then I came down to L.A. I mean, it pretty much was sort of written off. It's like, okay, you're not getting anything. Wow. Yeah.

How risky does that feel when you have a child and you take this move away from this guaranteed, really high-paying job? Yeah, that's the other thing is that you're always, for a while I was second-guessing it, thinking, oh my God, I had this guaranteed income, and now with any bit of stand-up or television work, you don't know if your show is going to get picked up. You don't know what's going to happen.

Right. So you don't know where you get money. It's like this feast or famine thing that goes along with being an actor or any artist. It's like, oh, I'm going to get paid a lot of money or the paydays are going to start to come. But in the meantime, when you have a child, you're constantly thinking, oh my God, I've got to provide for those people. It's the same thing that scared the you know, the responsibility of it all. It's like, I can't fuck up. Right.

I can't go. You don't have the luxury. Yeah, I don't know. There's no fucking up for me. Yeah. So, yeah, that was a lot of pressure, you know, and so. Do you ever find like that's creatively stifling or do you find that it's inspiring? There are a lot of outside things for me to do.

Like, I have a lot of shit that for me to do like i have a lot of shit that i need to get done like i gotta maintain my house that's another thing it's like i'm working on stuff around the house on a regular basis and i can't i don't you know i'm lucky enough and to make a little bit of money where i can have some people come in and help me with some things but for the most part in terms like i'm doing a lot of the day all the day-to-day maintenance you know where i'm know, maintaining my yard. So your wife works? No, my wife doesn't do that.

She doesn't work. She doesn't. She takes care of the kids. So you just do what you're saying. You have a bunch of shit to do. It's not like you have a wide-open day. Not a wide-open day. That's everybody that owns a house, right?

Yeah, I think it is. I mean, that's one thing you find out when you have a house. There's fucking always something going wrong. There's always something going wrong. Especially if it's on a new house. Even if it's a new house, shit breaks. Things break. Constantly managing your house.

So there's life's maintenance shit Especially if it's on a new, even if it's a new house, shit breaks, things break. Constantly managing your, so there's life's maintenance shit that always clutters up What I meant, what I meant is the responsibility of having children. Do you find that inspiring or do you find that sometimes that stifles inspiration

because it's so, you know, it's a lot of pressure as well. I haven't let it affect me either way. I've just been just as inspired, you know, because I get, you know,

like you said, a big, when I create something and it works, the rush I get from that is so great that I mean, like you said, a big, when I create something and it works, the rush I get from that is so great. I mean, kids are not like I'd be doing this. And even if I had the kids, I'm not extra motivated. Doesn't give you any extra pressure.

No. That's great. You have a healthy attitude about it, so you don't have to worry about it over consuming you or worrying you. We're cool. I really made it clear. And you said all the great stuff that happens from kids. We go to the park and shit like that.

I'm out in front saying Blue 42 and shit like that. I love football so much that I always dreamed that I would be playing catch with some kid. I love that shit. I want to spend more time. That's why I'm so grateful for all this TV stuff that's happening because I get to stay home. I hate being home. I I get to stay home. Yeah. I hate being, I miss Memorial Day weekend camping. My wife calls me up and she's driving up to El Capitan.

That was in, it's in Santa Barbara. It's this campground. And she goes, the kids are watching. You're never going to believe this, but guess what the kids are watching in the DVD player. And they're watching Jim Gaffigan, Beyond the Pale. My four-year-old and an eight-year-old. Instead of any Disney movie Gaffigan, Beyond the Pale. My four-year-old and an eight-year-old, instead of any Disney movie, they're watching Beyond the Pale, Gaffigan. They love Hot Pocket, but my son tells my wife he's going to do the talent show. Wow. And he's going to do Hot Pockets.

That's hilarious. And my wife goes, I don't know what you should be more pissed about, the fact that he's stealing other people's material or that it's not yours. Thank God. But that's like, I can't believe I'm not there watching. And he ended up not doing it and checking out because everyone was singing songs. It's like, now I'm going to go up and tell them hot pocket jokes. No one's eating a fucking hot pocket. So anyway, I missed that. And I was away working at DC Improv.

It's hard. And you feel bad. Got to make that monthly nut, son. Yeah. But we're lucky to be doing it that way, man. It's the greatest job in the world. I wouldn't like to do anything. If anybody ever said you have to choose one of the things you do,

I've been very fortunate that I've been able to do a lot of different things, been able to act and host shit like Fear Factor and the UFC. But if somebody said you can only do one, you have to get rid of the other ones, it's not even a question. Stand up. Yeah, for sure. Without a doubt. Without a doubt, right?

Yep, easy. It's not even a quick, I mean, it's not even, there's no alternative. No, I control everything with stand-up. Not only that, it's so fucking fun, and it's so fun to watch. Like, to this day, I still love watching it. Yeah, no, I just think it so i i've gotten to a point also where i'm very comfortable i think was i telling you this the difference uh right was when i was talking about how being comfortable on stage i started walking up there was a turning point

where i started judging the audience rather than letting them judge me and that's how i knew i was really like i'd walk up and go are these people good? I got because I know I can do this but how are these fuckers? And then I look People say that there's no bad audiences

like fucking Bill Cosby used to say that there's only bad comedians like you need to go Fast Eddie's in Huntington Yeah in Long Island I looked at everybody

You need to work in some shitholes dude I said that the other night I looked at everybody and I go hey I just want to make it clear that I've been doing this for a while and um you guys have a certain responsibility here you're like a teacher yeah i was like teachers golden high school kids i know because they were all sitting there slunched over with their arms crossed just looking at me like they

were gonna judge me i go no you guys are thinking you're gonna fucking judge me right now but it's the other way around i don't think you guys are thinking you're going to fucking judge me right now, but it's the other way around. I don't think you guys are very good. Where can people see if they want to check you out? What's your website? Is it almagical.com? Almagical.com. I also am doing something with this, my album that I just put out.

It's let people pay whatever they want. Just because I'd rather people have it. The minimum is five bucks, but still I kick those people that I'm about to send them my hour from that I just recorded in D.C. because they bought the previous album. So I'll just keep sending them shit. So you do it all through iTunes?

No, I just do it on my website. I didn't go with the record company. You PayPal or something? Yeah, just PayPal. Oh, that's cool. So you can sort of put in any dollar amount you want, minimum five,

and I figure that's a bargain. So that's how you release your CD? Just my own self, yeah. Dude, that's pretty fucking cool. You cut out the middleman. So if somebody wants to buy that, they go to almagical.com. Album.

Yeah. Just click on the album. Just click on the album. And then the new podcast I'm doing with Maz Jobrani, that's Minivan Men. And we just had our first episode. And it's on iTunes?

Not yet. Not yet. You gotta get it on. That's how new it is. Like, that's weird. I mean, we just.

And where can they, is they go to minivanmen.com? Or, yeah, I'll put a link up on my website. We're gonna crash your server, son. Yeah, really? They're coming in right to minivanmen.com? Or yeah, I'll put a link up on my website. We're going to crash your server, son. Yeah,

really? They're coming in right now. Do it. Shut it down. Download the shit out of that thing. That'd be awesome. Where can anybody see you next? When's your next gig?

Probably, I haven't called in for spots, but I'm going to be in LA for a long time. And then I think I might be going to the Montreal Comedy Festival. Oh, so this summer. So you'd be around doing your TV show stuff until then. Yeah.

So you do a lot of sets at the Improv or the Comedy Store? I mix it up. Now I mix it up quite a bit. So Improv, Laugh Factory, Comedy Store, all of them. This Thursday night, the Vogue Theater in Vancouver, I think the only thing that's left is single tickets. But it's me and Tom Segura and a possible guest star that I cannot mention because he's under contract with something else.

And then June 25th, we're at the Carnegie Music Hall in Pittsburgh. It's not the same Carnegie Hall. Is that Tom as well? It's Carnegie Hall in Pittsburgh, bro. No, that one is Joey Diaz is coming after me. What the fuck, cocksucker? I got to bring Joey to Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is perfect for Joey Diaz.

And then the Mandalay Bay Theater is July 1st. And that's it. Bitches. We have Cliffy B tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. At 10 a.m. we're going to be live at a very special early edition podcast. I'm going to get up and have breakfast on your side of town. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to get up real early because that traffic is a motherfucker.

What time do you get to leave? Well, I'm going to take the back roads to get to him, but yeah, man, LA, anytime you've got to go somewhere, LA, around 9 o'clock

to 10 o'clock, it's just parking lot city. So, you know, it's the real problem, but it's also the real thing that's great about LA. There's so much here. There's so many

different stores, so many different people, so many different influences, so much different stuff. But because of that, there's so many fucking humans that whenever you want to get anywhere and it's a, you know what I'm talking about, bitches, I'm just dragging shit out. That's it for today.

So, yeah, I was about to do that. So tomorrow, Cliffy B from Epic Games, Brian Posehn is going to do it. And I got to call Kevin Smith's people back too. We're going to work that out as well. And I'll let you guys know on Twitter when that will be taking place. He's got some per diem plus one, plus one per, I don't know, some podcast that he does, him and his wife. And so it's going to be me, him, and his wife. Oh, Kevin Smith?

Yeah, so I'm fired up about doing that. And so that's it. That's all the deal. Contigate. Just use the word with love only from now on that's what i was thinking we were talking about the homeless kids and uh the kids that go into school and all this stuff then we were talking about the autistic kids and all this stuff to right and athletes that were all fucked up to just sum everything up and then when you start i started thinking about okay we

started talking about cunty right like With all this other shit going on, it's ridiculous. Yeah, it is ridiculous. That you would even be concerned with such a thing. Yeah. You'd be ashamed of yourself. Well, it's just the grand distraction of it all. Al Madrigal's just dropped wisdoms on you bitches.

Wisdoms? Yeah, there you go. That's it. We're going to start complaining about that next. Smart as fuck. All right. Well, that's it for this week. Thank you to the Fleshlight. Go to joerogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan and you will get 15% off

the number one adult sex toy for men. And I'll give you one, Al Madrigal, if you're allowed to take one home. No. No? Just take it and give it to me. Don't be scared of running crazy. Al Madrigal's afraid that he shoots one loader in that thing. He's just going to run amok through the land.

Become a fucking barbarian. Give up all his responsibilities. Don't you worry. I mean, when your daughter turns five. I have a five-year-old now. I can't. No more shooting loads into plastic toys. I have a 1,300 square foot house.

Where do you keep that? Every space is accounted for. Oh, you got to get a safe, son. It's a question of getting safe. Now I'm going to save. We'll talk about this shit off the air. Love you, bitches. We'll see you tomorrow. Thank you very much for everything. Bye. Oh, you got to get a safe, son. It's a question of getting safe. Now I'm going to save. We'll talk about this shit off the air. Love you, bitches. We'll see you tomorrow.

Thank you very much for everything. Bye. I love you guys.