The Joe Rogan Experience - #1118 - Theo Von

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Theo Von is a stand-up comedian, television personality, host, and actor. Check out his special on Netflix called "No Offense" & his podcast called "This Past Weekend" available on Spotify.

Here we go, baby. Five, four, three, two, one. Boom. And there can be only one Theo Vaughn. Well, as far as we know, as far as I know. In the universe, though, do you know what they think? What? Do you know the concept of infinity, apparently, as explained to me by people far smarter than us,

is that the universe is so big that not only is there intelligent life out there for sure, but there's humans out there for sure but there's humans out there for sure and infinity is so big that that means somewhere in the universe there is another theo vaughn that has done exactly the same things that you've done said exactly the same things that you've said, been in the same conversations that you've been in, down to that pause, down to the millisecond, an infinite number of times. And you believe it? Yes. Not just one, not just one time, but an unending number of times, because that's how big infinity is. You're not buying it? I'll bet infinity smaller

than that if i had a bet yeah i just don't think that that could for me that couldn't for me if i if i knew that that was true that would just break my heart i feel like because then you would feel like everything you're doing feels pointless you know but isn't it anyway just what you know about the universe let's just say the universe was limited to the size of this galaxy okay right which it really could be could be i mean we're you and i let's be honest we're kind of dumb right right we're fairly oh yeah i'm just guessing guess totally guess i mean i'll say some big words every now and then but the reality is i learn those big words from people that actually understand them and i'm just repeating the noises that they say yeah right okay so broken things you're so fucking smart.

Yeah. I'm the last person that thinks I'm smart. Trust me. Yeah, we're all mimics, really. exactly.

So if you look at, I think they think there are hundreds of billions of stars in this galaxy. Mm-hmm. Just that alone is too big.

It's too big. It's too big for you to wrap your head around. It's too big. When you think about how big that is, there's no way you really think about it. You just kind of like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, big. Now think of infinite.

So hundreds of billions of those. And then they think it's possible that inside each galaxy, they know that the center of each galaxy has a supermassive black hole in it. know that the center of each galaxy has a supermassive black hole in it. And they think that inside that supermassive black hole might be a whole nother universe filled with galaxies, each of them that have supermassive black holes in the center. You go through one of those, another universe. Infinite universes. So infinite infinities. So the universe is infinite and there's infinite numbers of universes.

So somewhere out there is another theo vaughn same haircut same jokes same style really yep same back problem killing it dude that's scary i feel like if that's true that makes the jog i took this one and seems so much shorter if the world if the universe is that much bigger i don't think it could be that big look at this what are you showing me here jamie what is that what bigger. I don't think it could be that big. Look at this. What are you showing me here, Jamie? What is that? What simulation on the inside of a black hole? That's iMovie, bro. That could be anything.

Do that shit again? Well, this is just animation. So the idea is you go through the black hole and you wake up again, a baby in Louisiana. Oh, man. Come on, man. Your mama's cuddling you. Oh, you're such a sweet thing.

Birds are chirping. But they're chirping 200 trillion light years away. Wow. Yeah. You believe it. Believe is a weird word. Do you feel it? It's too big.

I don't even feel sun. The sun. I go outside and I go, oh, yeah, it's warm. But I don't feel that there's a thing that's a million times bigger than Earth that's floating in the sky. No. I don't feel that. To me, the hard part for me is when they say that the universe keeps expanding, you know? Yeah.

It sounds like something a child would say. That part sounds fiction to me. Like it just keeps growing and growing and growing and growing. You're like, what? It sounds like something like my four-year-old nephew would say if he won't go to sleep at night, you know? Well, the real one is the birth of the universe. That's the real one. Like the Big Bang.

So before the Big Bang, the universe was smaller than the head of a pin. The whole thing. Right. And then for some reason, boom. They don't know why, but in one instant, the universe is created.

I mean. Seen far fetched. But that's what the scientists believe. But in one instant, the universe is created. I mean, I've seen Farfetch'd. But that's what the scientists believe. Forget about what religious people believe or cult leaders believe or schizophrenics. Yeah. The legit of legit. The Sean Carrolls of the world. The Neil deGrasse Tysons of the world.

The real scientists. Yeah. That can hit you with the real words and they actually understand them the smartest people the real smart people they actually think that what do you think i think the jury's out you know that's what i think man i think i'm still kind of feeling it out you know i think that i think i could easily get sucked in if I'm not careful to just believe in. I just wonder if some of their stuff is right. You know, like what if the building blocks that we started with aren't really correct? You know, and sometimes I feel like they some of the science for me, it takes too much of the hope out of it.

Like, I guess I want to romanticize the universe a little bit and I want it to be a little more fantastical. Like, I guess I want to romanticize the universe a little bit, and I want it to be a little more fantastical. Like, maybe we get out there, you know, in the sequel to that video, and there's a couple, you know, angels out there, or a band, or something, or like a... A band? Angels? Or like a, you know, some sort of... something more exciting than just... Is that exciting, or is that just more human? Like, angels in a band. Right. That's like human that would actually be boring yeah maybe it's just man maybe i'm afraid to go into that other world you know

into that other realm like if somebody was like go in there and they were trying to push me in there i would say i'm not going in there have you ever been in a place where you're in uh you're outside at night there's no clouds and there's no light pollution and you're outside at night, there's no clouds, and there's no light pollution, and you can see the Milky Way? Yeah, there was Tucson. It's crazy, right? Yeah. It's a weird feeling. You see all those stars, and you're like,

is this up here all the time? Yeah, that's how I feel. I feel like, is this out here all the time, and what have I been doing? Yeah. I think we're fucking ourselves up with cities. I've been saying that forever. I think all that light from cities blocking out all those stars.

I think it confuses us. Yeah, we don't we don't realize what we're in. We are in this crazy space ride. Oh, I think people forget about that a lot of times. I mean, we definitely get caught up in the minutia. I mean, but what's out there in the world in the universe? I mean, I think if something were out out there it would have stopped by by now i don't know about that it's been a lot of time it's a lot of space a lot of space it has to go through i think that things get so smart that they don't

do that anymore this is what i think um i think that this whole idea about space travel i don't think they do that after a while. I think they get so fucking smart, they become symbiotic with machines. And I think artificial life and artificial intelligence, they create their own reality and literally create their own universes. I don't think they bother traveling. Oh, they're just thinking it up and then there it is? I think they make things.

You know, I think when, I think, this is just just a thought but i think what's going to happen with us i mean we take little trips we send a rover to mars and shit yeah you know we send probes into space florida anywhere you know i mean you go local anything is a you know can be a big adventure but yeah we go out to the moon we went to the moon a couple times supposedly you know right but what we don't do what you know what we're doing with these little tiny trips, it's all fairly close. It's all inside of our solar system, right? Yeah. What we're saying is that someone is going way, way, way further than that.

So they would have to be way more advanced than that. What I look at us, and I look at artificial life and artificial intelligence and how close we are to creating something that's smarter than us, within the next hundred years, we're going to have some form of artificial life that's probably way smarter than us. And it's going to create even better versions of artificial life. It's going to improve upon the design. And then there's going to be things that they can do in terms of like recreating reality in your own mind. Like you and I sitting across from each other. We're experiencing this table. We're experiencing looking from each other. We're experiencing this table.

We're experiencing looking at each other. We're friends. We have a history together. We talk a lot. So we're used to being in each other's presence. There's all these feelings and thinking and thoughts going on. I think they're going to be able to recreate that. I think they're going to be able to recreate that in a way that's indistinguishable from this moment that we're experiencing right now.

So then, I mean, are humans just going to become obsolete then? Yeah, I think they're going to be able to recreate that in a way that's indistinguishable from this moment that we're experiencing right now. So then, I mean, are humans just going to become obsolete then? Yeah, I think so. Okay, well, dang it. Dang it. Don't you think we are? I mean, if you go back, right? Go back to single-celled organisms. Yeah.

Go back to single-celled organisms. Like an amoeba or something? The first time single-celled organisms became multi-celled organisms. Just a booger in the world. How many of them were hanging back and going, man, fuck that. I'm going to live in the woods. I'm going to stay single-celled organisms became multi-celled organisms. Just a booger in the world. How many of them were hanging back and going, man, fuck that. I'm going to live in the woods. I'm going to stay single-celled. Single-celled is the way to go.

This multi-celled stuff is bullshit. I don't need to see things, man. Fuck you. I don't need a phone, motherfucker. I'm a single-celled organism just chilling at the bottom of the ocean. You know? Things don't have to get any better. I'm like them right like this. I'm not going to get a job. I'm going to of the ocean. You know? Things don't have to get any better. I'm like, I'm right like this.

I'm not going to get a job. I'm going to be a hit man. So if you looked at single-celled organisms, they eventually became Theo Vaughn, right? That's a complicated leap from single-celled organisms from billions of years ago to Theo Vaughn. Holy shit, is that a leap. To a human. That's a big leap. So you're saying it would be crazy for us if we didn't continue to move forward.

Exactly. We're going to. That's a good point. It's going to happen. Everything does. We're going to improve upon this. I mean, we're different now. People are bigger and stronger and faster than they were just a hundred years ago because of nutrition. Those genes. I was saying that the genes of people who exercise and are healthy,

they're better than the genes of people that don't. Like you literally can transfer some of those traits and some of that potential into children. Rhonda Patrick had something, she tweeted about that a couple of days ago, I believe. Oh, there's some mud rats out there that have no genes almost, I feel like. Like mud rat humans? Yeah, just people that are just smoking their own dicks out there who have no real like like you know what i'm saying like i've met some people who yeah they're breathing but that's it really yeah this idea that we're all created equals

you've never met anybody that's a genius if you say that i've met some people that i'm like i talked to him i go oh i'm like a monkey yeah compared to you dude i talked to your buddy eddie bravo and that guy is a real he's out there he's like a jack he's like a deaf like a deaf jack russell almost you know a deaf jack russell yeah because once he gets going you can't oh jack russell terrier yeah you ever been around one of those dogs you open the car and then next thing you know they're at the yeah they're like sick yeah but how's he deaf because you can't get him back. Like once he goes, you can't. You know what I'm saying? You can't get him back in the car.

Like you're sitting there honking the horn. You can't. That guy's out there. You know what I'm talking about? I do know what you're talking about, but I've never heard anybody make a description like that. A deaf Jack Russell Terrier. That is hilarious. He's extravagant, dude. Yeah.

That man's extravagant. He's so motivated. He loves conspiracies more than anybody I've ever met in my life, and he thinks everything is a conspiracy. Yeah. No, no. He definitely, yeah. But then he gets into it like, I don't know.

It was fascinating to me how he went from just like one genre of life to the next and created a business in each one and kept moving forward. A business? Yeah. He got like, he was a music, he liked music. moving forward a business yeah he got like he was a music he liked music he started a band you know he liked uh karate he started doing um you know organized karate he liked uh you know what else did he a couple of other businesses i think he got into a couple of other things i don't know what the other two were he lost me at chapter 70 but he'll hit you with too much information, man.

It was crazy. You have a lot of people to Google. I was like, I want to climb through a black hole right now. Edgar Cayce documentaries and shit. Like, wait a minute, is this guy legit? Dude, the other night, 2 a.m., he sends me a couple of links. Oh, you can't do that. You got to shut your phone off when you're friends with Eddie.

When those 1 a.m. phone calls come in, you do not respond because you will get a wall of text Explaining which YouTube video has the right information which one is set up by the CIA It used to be like stopping at a rest area on the interstate That was like the old Eddie Bravo like you'd stop there and next thing you know you hear the craziest shit in the world Right coast to coast with Art Bell be playing in the background Yeah, now he loves all of it He loves it, but he gets out he goes in No, he loves all of it. He loves it.

But he gets out, he goes in phases. Like he gets out of them for a while. Like he was really into chemtrails for a while. But man, I know he probably

won't admit it, but it's pretty obvious chemtrails are bullshit. Pretty fucking obvious. Yeah, it's just writing because they can write birthday. They can write happy birthday Ronda

or something. And that's not, that just seems like it's somebody's birthday. I think when they do that, they're doing that like on purpose but the the chemtrail thing is just it's just nonsense there's there is some evidence that they have experimented with spraying stuff in the sky and they definitely seed clouds in certain parts of the world in certain parts of the country you know they can make it rain like uh in uh it's it's abu dhabi right where they make it rain once a week.

Wow. Once a week. They live in the desert. They send jets up there? Yeah. Yeah, they send jets. And I think they use something, silver iodine or something like that. Is that what it is?

That'd be awesome to be one of those pilots. They spray into the clouds, and somehow or another, it makes it rain. You know, when I was talking with Eddiedie one thing i was thinking about was do you think that there are aliens or do you think that robots will get so advanced that they will like become aware and what does he say oh i don't know what he said i guess i I'm asking you. Oh. Because he went off on something else, and he didn't really answer it. He said, think about it. He doesn't get too much in artificial intelligence. He's more into, like, the FBI trying to fuck us over.

Yeah, well, he told me in the bathroom after we talked. No joke. He said he had to be a little bit quiet because he thinks that some people could be looking for him. Oh, that's so crazy. And it was crazy that he said that all hush-hush about the urinals. Dude, he thought that the government got to me. Really?

Because I wasn't into chemtrails. Chemtrails did it. He's like, there's got to be a reason here. Did they do anything to you? No. No. You swear? I swear.

No one's talked to me about anything, ever. No one said, hey, man, lay off the Bigfoot. Lay off that Bigfoot talk. What? What are you saying? I'm just saying. If you want to know. I don't...

What is this? What are you showing me, Jamie? This is an article about the cloud seeding in Abu Dhabi. Oh, they use high... Wow. Hygroscopic salt to level up the... Amount of moisture. Amount of moisture to generate more rain.

Huh. I could see him doing that. Dr. Habib adding that the best season for seeding is between June and August. Huh. Hmm. So, I mean, there's other ways. There's blast and salt up into the, yeah. Yeah, they spray shit and it makes it rain.

I find that the moon, say we went to the moon, the moon seemed like something Delta could get to if you really think about it. You know what I'm saying? Delta Airlines? Yeah. Not Southwest, though, right? I mean. They seem a little shaky.

Yeah, they seem a little bit shaky on there. Some of the people on there are wearing shorts. You know what I'm saying? When you get on. I don't trust anybody in shorts, especially at church. Right. But I'll say this. It's crazy.

We've been flying across America for 50 know, 40 50 years now, right? like yeah, even more maybe you know and It seems like it's we could figure out how to get into space It's harder than that For sure. First of all, it's two hundred sixty two thousand miles, you know, the earth is twenty four thousand miles around So a full trip from right here. So you start in Calabasas. Okay.

And you do a full trip all the way around the planet and land in Calabasas. That's 24,000 miles. Okay. So it's like 12 times that or something? Yeah, something like that. Well, we could do that. Who's we? Who's we? Who's we?

What's this we shit, white man? It's hard, man. And not only that, there's no air. It's one-sixth Earth's gravity. You're dealing with all sorts of problems in terms of solar flares and radiation. We're protected by the magnetosphere. We're protected by the radiation belts and you know all of the atmosphere of the

earth when you go through that and you go out into space you're not protected by shit but we couldn't I think we could fight that man well it can be done the problem was with biological life see one of the things that made it so interesting about the moon hoax theory particularly for me

they never sent anything alive into space and had it come back alive, ever. They never even sent a chicken into space and had it come back alive. It all dies? No, they just do it with people. They've only done it with people. Ah. They've never made something. They never shot a monkey into space and then brought it back alive.

So that's why you think it could be fictional? No. It's only one reason why it was enticing to me. One of the big reasons was the Fox documentary. There was a Fox documentary that aired on TV. I think it was in the 90s. It was called Conspiracy Theory, Did We Go to the

Moon? And it showed that they used the same backdrop for different moon missions that were supposedly really far apart from each other but the back backdrop synced up there was all sorts of images that showed different shadows that were moving at different angles that would indicate different light sources that was more than one life source instead of the just the sun there's a lot of these things that make it intriguing. The problem with that stuff is that I don't know jack shit about aerospace engineering.

I don't know anything about it. I have zero, zero education in physics. Yeah, I don't know how a Kodak works in space. I don't know how any of that. That's also part of the problem is the images. The images, a lot of people are like, how are the images so perfectly squared? There's no errors. There's some of the images where things are in the shadows.

They're lit up like there's backfill being used. But that still doesn't mean they didn't go. They definitely faked some images. This is a fact. They know this because there's Gemini 15. There's a Michael Collins photo that was absolutely a photo that they used of him in a training mission. Where you could see the harnesses and all that jazz. And then they blacked it out and they used it as a publicity photo saying that he's on a spacewalk.

But that could have been an overzealous publicist. Right. You got to look at everything like really objectively. Yeah. Because you want it. I wanted the moon landing to be fake. It seemed fun to me. You wanted it to be.

Yeah. There's so many things. What is it? The prime minister of Holland. Who is it of Holland? And I met Buzz Aldrin. be fake it seemed fun to me you wanted it to be yeah there's so many things they the the um what is it the prime minister of holland who is it of holland and i met buzz all they met they gave this guy a piece of moon rock and it turned out to be a piece of petrified wood but it was signed in a plaque it was delivered by you know michael collins and buzz aldrin and neil armstrong and they're like this is a piece of moon rock for you you know, we're giving this to Holland. This is amazing.

Like, wow, you're giving us a piece of the moon. That's so cool. And then they finally wound up finally testing it. It's a piece of petrified wood. It wasn't from the moon. It was fake. It's fake. Yeah.

And why did the Dutch want it? So there's a bunch of things like that. Well, it's a gift to a country. Oh, I see. The Dutch are wild, man. But that also could have been, you got to deal with, you're talking about the 1960s. Richard Nixon was the president. He was an asshole.

You know, he's like, probably fuck them. I'm not giving them a moon rock. Give them one of those petrified, this would be hilarious. Take a piece of petrified wood. We got four kilograms of moon rocks. We ain't giving shit to the Dutch. You know? Dude, the Dutch, I mean, they don't, yeah.

I mean, actually, who gives a fuck? You know, like, you know, respect to the Dutch, but. Some of the greatest cakeboxers of all time came to that one spot. Yeah. Well, they're aerodynamic, too. You ever seen a Dutch person? They're big. Well, and also, they're extremely, if you look at their faces, they're extremely aerodynamic.

Seeing that they travel through space better? Is that what you're saying? I think if you taped, like, one of the front of a plane, it wouldn't, you know, it wouldn't be that hard on them. To have good symmetry. Is that what you're saying? Oh, you look at the Dutch. Their head's tall.

Right. It's like... Good genes. They're probably Vikings, right? That's probably some Viking genes. Oh, the air... Yes. They're all big.

They're really big people. And they got tall cranium space. They have a lot of room in their head for... Ideas. Yeah. Plus, they were one of the first people to say, who gives a shit about weed? Yeah. Everybody used to go to Amsterdam to get high.

Well, the problem with Amsterdam is there's those trains, there's people on bikes. It's like the worst place to walk around high because there's so many forms of transportation going on. You're like, there's fucking people traveling by crow. Space out. You're like, damn, dude. I tripped out there, man. Right. There's, like, boats.

Oh, yeah. There's bikes. It's way too heady, bro. There's a lot of boats. Like, yeah, damn. People get on boats and shit. Dude, I showed up there one time, and they had a gay pride weekend, you know, and I didn't know it.

And they had, like, a lot of homoerotic, like, boat floats going by. Like, just single men just dancing on boats, you know? I was like, I didn didn't know i thought that was just they these people were like hella dutch gay people know how to do it oh yeah they party man no one holding them back there's no yang or no yin whichever one it is they're all yang yeah it's just people yanging each other's just yanging it up just Just fucking yanging each other out. That's happening in space. In space somewhere there's gay people that can get pregnant. They get each

other pregnant and they're gay. Because how? Because they're different. Guaranteed. Oh you think that? Oh yeah 100%. There's gay pride. Whoa Jamie just pulled that up. That's what it was bro. And I thought holy shit. I got 1 tenth of 1% gayer just from looking at that. Yeah this is as aerodynamic as it can get, boy.

And no one has a shirt on. Uh-uh. There's a couple guys with life preservers. No one has a fucking shirt on. Look how gay this is. This is hilarious. They're all buff and shit. This one girl with her hand on her forehead in the front of the boat going, what in the fuck?

I can't get no dick. She's like, her friend tells her, you gotta get down here. There's a thousand men with no shirt on and they're all hot. Oh my God, I'm there. I'm there. I'm gonna get us a ride on the boat. An hour into the boat, she's got her hand on her head. Fuck me.

Yeah. They're all gay. And that guy had a slipped disc, too, on the right, if you could see that. You think so? Yeah, one of his hips is a little higher. I have that. Displacia. And it's popular in people that have that and also australian um you think he's just like standing on something that could be like just a stop no you could tell he was moving fine it

seemed like he feels self-conscious about his legs he has on pants it's not hot out there you don't think so maybe right like he can't squat anymore oh yeah dude i'm in that bad back club man it's hard once you get that i just had a dude i'm in that bad back club man it's hard once you get that i just had a just i think god just put like a weak spine in me and so when i was like 27 i was paint i was painting a wall and i leaned for like maybe 40 minutes leaning out with a paint thing and when i leaned back in my back wasn't right anymore that was it and it's been bad ever since really Really? Yeah. I had to have part of my vertebrae.

This man took it out at Cedars-Sinai, a man. He took it out? Yeah. What did he do with it? Did you know him first? No, I met him through insurance. But he got it. And it's been hit or miss since then.

What's he doing with it? Oh, I don't know. I can't afford to go back and see him again. It's $7,500. He can go talk to him. Really? Just to talk to him. It's like I got weaseled out of this. That's a scam.

That's a scam. You want to talk to me? You sit on that side of the desk and give me $7,500. Your time starts now. Yeah, man. I got to take a piece of your back now. That's it. Okay, next person.

Is it like a disc or a piece of the actual bone like what was it it's a disc they got photos of it i don't know if they're real you know that's the crazy part moon landing well here's the dude here's the craziest put you under and said yeah we fixed it bro give me that money oh 100 and then in my head you know because i'm probably about 60 gullible 60 yeah i think so the more i've looked back at my life and kind of charted out when i've been gullible and when i haven't what's the biggest one that you look back and go how the fuck did i believe that um i would say probably you know overall religion probably when i look super religious when you're a kid i wasn't super religious but i you know i just wanted it all like everything like in the body you know i just

wanted it to be real yeah i guess i wanted it to be real or it just made it hard it made it tough for some other things you know you're like first it was like fuck i gotta remember all this shit like i can't remember i'm not gonna be able to be accepted by god or something because i can't even remember what's in this book you know like i'm gonna need to hire a tutor just to be go to heaven you know like because the bible is bro it's not the best book well you know it was really good when it was written yeah it's like try to watch a movie from the 1930s you'd be like look at this corny fucking acting yeah right yeah yeah you know what i mean i mean there's nine chapters about livestock like it gets

it gets really it gets hella risque in the middle i haven't really read the whole thing cover to cover and i haven't read any of it in a long time yeah i read it when i was in when i was in i guess i was i was living in Florida, so I was 11. Oh, that's a good time to read it. And they handed them out in school. And I remember my parents being a little disturbed by it. Because I had gone from Catholic school in the first grade. My mom split up with my dad.

My mom shacked up with my stepdad who was a hippie. She kind of became a bit of a hippie too, and we fell way out of religion. So the Catholic Church and all that stuff was a thing of the past Was that pretty cool? The hippie stepdad? Yeah he's a good guy Very nice guy It was weird you know

He had long hair and shit Like long hair Like down to the middle of his back And so like That's crazy Would you ever like see him from behind And think it was like a woman or something from far away? No because he was muscular You know he looked like a man Yeah think it was a woman or something from far away? No, because he was muscular.

He looked like a man. Yeah. But he was a man with long hair. Yeah. But when I was in high school, well, not high school. I guess it was in grade school. So what is 11? What grade is that?

Depends on how smart you are, really. Fifth grade? Yeah. Depends on how smart you are. You know what I was reading? This is how great Ronan Farrow,

you know, Woody Allen and The guy who wrote that article? Yeah, yeah. He's not really Woody Allen's kid, by the way.

Look at that kid. Look at Frank Sinatra. Holla at your boy! Same. Okay? Holla at your boy! That kid is Frank Sinatra's kid.

One thousand one million percent. Because Mia Farrow used to bang Frank Sinatra's kid. 1,001 million percent. Because Mia Farrow used to bang Frank Sinatra. Oh, really? And they had a freak... Look, I know. Look, come on. Get the fuck out of here. Look at the two of them.

Oh, yeah. First of all, handsome man. That Ronan Farrow. Handsome man. Yeah. That is... God damn it. That is Frank fucking Sinatra's kid one billion trillion

percent you better stay the fuck away from 23 and me look at that yeah look at that one bro 23 and me will just send back the song new york new york i think um when he was 11 this is how smart this guy is when he was 11 he was taking college courses oh my god 11 nerd alert that's what i read make sure that's true. I don't want to write an article about me. It's a bit of bad information. But so they had a freak relationship anyway.

When they were together, that was their only biological kid, and it's not really their biological kid. Why not? Because it's fucking Frank Sinatra's kid. Ronan Farrow started college at age 11. Wow. He says he fell apart while pursuing the Harvey Weinstein story.

Whoa. What do you mean he fell apart? Probably because it was so dark. Oh, I see what you're saying. I mean, come on, man. Do you remember before that story came out? Everybody knew that guy was a creep, right? But it was like this thing about like Mordor.

You know, like he lives, you know, lived in Sauron, lives under the rock somewhere. Everybody knew he was a creep. Everybody had heard stories. But this guy, he graduated at 15 from college? Oh, my God. Why does it keep saying the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen? It should say wink, wink, nudge, nudge. But that's crazy that they're trying to push that so much, you know, the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen.

Well, he was raised by them for a little while until Woody started banging his sister. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's a freak household. And then Mia Farrow. It's the dark arts out here. Hollywood's got the darkest arts, bro. They lived in New York.

Well, even New York Hollywood. Is it the same thing? New York Hollywood? Hollywood is just show business yeah show business that's what I mean well there's definitely something to that

because how about that composer that turned out to be even more of a fucking asshole than Harvey Weinstein there's this one composer that was just fucking all these young boys and if you didn't fuck him

and they just they recently got rid of him but he was just running things through sex and you know he just basically had a sex cult going on find out who the fuck that guy was but he was a cherished famous loved composer and it turned out this this dude was just running the freak show behind the scenes just not just being dirty but that was the way to get in and if this guy shut you down, you were shut down forever. You weren't working anymore.

So he was like the gatekeeper. He was like Harvey Weinstein of music. Like Harvey Weinstein. What Harvey Weinstein was doing to those actresses is he would try to fuck them, they'd get mad at him, and he would blackball them. He would say, you're not working anymore. You're too difficult to work with. And then he would shut their careers down.

All these different women found out, like when their careers fell apart, they found out that was going on. There he is. What happened? What happened? See, that's dirty, man. Oh, him, huh? From the Met. James Levine. Sexual abuse claims.

Yeah. Well, this is from December of 2017, but that has been, it's been, there's recent stuff. Pull up sexual abuse James Levine because the more recent stuff is like much more confirmed. Like a bunch of people came out. We had a dude in our neighborhood named Mr. Langenstein. He used to invite us over to chill out and shit,

but we didn't know that he was a pedophile. You didn't know? How'd you find out? He ended up going to jail for it. So you were hanging out with him for a while and you didn't know? Yeah, we met him at school. We thought he was just this cool old dude who liked to smoke pot with children. And one time he bought us some steaks because he would treat us nice.

He took us to Marilyn Manson, me and my best friend us he took us to Marilyn Manson me and my best friend took us to Marilyn Manson We were like 15. We couldn't even get in it was 18 year old show. And how old was he? He was probably 70 so and he had like a red convertible, you know, and that's everybody wants to be in a convertible. And so we got in and we went and anyway, he, you know, he would he got us some steaks one time and the steak come with baked potato side item. So we had sour cream on this on the baked potatoes. And my buddy was in and my buddy was in the kitchen and he said, hey, I'm out of sour cream. Can I have some of yours? And I said, no, but you can have some of my sweet cream.

You know, just making like a joke about semen. Right. And then, big Langenstein, the dude goes, can I have some? And that's when all the fucking wheels turned. And you realized. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm just sitting there with a mouthful of potato like, fuck.

I thought he was just a nice man. And you were thinking that this whole time he was just setting you up. Yeah, and my buddy. That was the biggest thing. I was so concerned. I'd brought four of my friends over there. And I was like, what has been going on? I had a similar situation.

A guy named Walter. Yeah. We used to go fishing. And he would run around the pond. And he was. He was mentally handicapped? Walter. Yeah. We used to go fishing. And he would run around the pond. And he was... He was mentally handicapped? No. No, he was a teacher.

And he got fired. He was trying to explain to us that he had unconventional teaching methods. And that they didn't understand his teaching methods. And that they fired him. Oh, so then he's like the... He was a very smart guy. Right. And to kids, he probably seems like the cool guy because he's unconventional.

And he was always jogging. He was always jogging around this park. Oh, yeah. That's a gay sport. He would sit by and he would come by and hang out with us. So we'd be fishing. We'd be hanging out at the spot. And he'd come by, sit with us for a little bit, and then take off.

So we became friends with this guy. Dude, I went over his house once. And I'll never forget, I ate at his house. It was just me and him, too. And he didn't do anything, but I went to the bathroom. And I guess I was 13, somewhere around there, somewhere around 13 at the time. Wow, that's a wild age. It's a susceptible age.

Yeah, for sure. And I went to use the bathroom and I peed and I guess he was in the bathroom with me. And afterwards he said something to me. He goes, he had this weird way of talking like this. And he's like, I didn't know you were so developed. And I was like, what? And I was thinking

about it. I'm like, he's talking about my dick. But he wasn't flirting with me. It wasn't weird. It just was like he was just talking about my dick being developed. Like a curator, like an art curator or something? No, it was just weird, but it wasn't dangerous. But then it got dangerous. Because I'd been friends with this guy for months, right?

For months, we had been going fishing, and he had been coming to this lake. There was two places. There was Jamaica Pond. All this was in Jamaica Plain. And so there was Jamaica Pond was this one spot, and there was another pond that was nearby that was a smaller place. It was more secluded, but it had, like, good pickerel fishing. Pickerel's, like, a small northern pike-looking creature. And so I was fishing there.

And pickerel. I can't stop coughing. So he shows up drunk. That's when it got really weird. And he told me he loved me. Like how did he say it? Did he say it? Yeah, he said it like he was behind me, like sitting down, and I was fishing. Oh, my God, dude.

This is making me feel nervous. He goes, you know, Joey, you know I love you. And he was like probably in the 60s, right? And I go, I like you too, man. I was like weirded out. I didn't know what to do because he was drunk, like definitely drunk. He goes, you know, there can be no love without sex. Jeeper.

That's what he said. And I went, what? And I remember I had a Swiss Army knife in my pocket, and I put my hand on the Swiss Army knife, and I remember saying something like, man, you better leave me the fuck alone, like something along those lines. Wow.

I didn't pull the knife out because I was 13 years old. He was a pretty big guy. I was like, even if I pull this knife out, am I really going to be able to stab him? You've stabbed him 70 or 80 times. Is this guy going to beat me to death and fuck me? What's going to happen here? But he left me alone.

He left me alone, but then he wrote a letter to my house. So he found out where I lived. Dang. Yeah. And he probably had to get drunk to come there and do that, to be able to even say that to you. Yep. That's probably why he did it. He was probably trying to figure out a way to work his way up to molesting me

so i think that's probably why he got fired from school yeah yeah did you feel a little bit bad that he had did i let him on no i was cute i was a little cutie when i was 13 being a handsome kid but did you feel a little bit bad that he had kind of taken advantage of like like fuck like now we can't kind of be friends like you know like well i think any of that was i did enjoy talking to him because he was telling me about things like he knew a lot of things about life he was definitely a very educated guy so before the drunken weirdness and just the general weird he just got more the more comfortable he got with us the more i realized that this guy was he was attracted to children yeah and he was trying to fight it off i think you know i think a lot of people that are pedophiles are extremely

embarrassed by it oh it's a sickness man yeah yeah i don't think it's something anybody chooses to do unless they're trying to start a track team or something, like maybe in the Philippines or something. Well, I ran to my friend Josh, and I told him immediately because Josh used to go fishing with me, and we both knew that guy. And I explained him the whole deal, and he was like, fuck. So he was scared, too. He was like, dude, I'm going to stab that fucking guy. And Josh went extra hard.

He went extra hard, like all aggression and anger because his parents were lesbians. Oh, he had two parents were lesbians. So he wanted, so I think he wanted me to know that he wasn't gay. Right. Even though his mom was gay.

Right. I mean, so he was like, I'll be, fuck that faggot. You know, that kind of shit. Like, whoa, down. Yeah. This gay. Yeah. This has to know what I mean? So he was like, fuck that faggot. You know, that kind of shit. Like, whoa.

Yeah, this has to stop. Yeah, yeah. He was like fucking shining a sword up in his garage. That is not happening. Yeah. I don't think he called him a faggot. I think I made that up. I literally barely remember because I was 13.

I do remember him saying that, though, that there could be no love without sex. Because I remember like, what? That's crazy. What a gateway that, though, that there could be no love without sex. Because I remember like, what? That's crazy. What a gateway line, too, dude. If you're a pedophile, like, I'm glad I don't have that ailment, man. Because that's got to be so tough to be, you know, hanging around kids and also, like, you know, want to, like, you know, talk to them about dates or stuff. Well, it's the incurable one, too. There's no cure for that.

I mean, unless they can rewire your brain with ayahuasca and ibogaine and electric shock therapy, I don't know. I mean, the recidivism rate is super high for people that are child molesters. What does that mean? People that do it again? Mm-hmm. Man. Yeah, it's really high.

When kids are... It's also something you can't even talk about like say imagine if you have like a mental illness that makes you uh prone to violent outbursts but you got it under control you never actually hurt anybody you know you never actually hurt anybody but you understand you have this problem so you take medication and people go good for you you know i go to therapy i have anger management issues but i go to therapy people like oh that's cool man cool you keep it under wrap but if you say i want to fuck kids but i never have yeah no way no way dude everybody wants to put a bullet in your brain yep you can't work here you can't shop here i don't do it but i want to you're like what what you want to yeah but i don't do it because i know

it's wrong like not good enough yeah yeah that's not gonna fly not good enough because we all want to have kids and like our you know we all want to procreate and that really i think that that just yeah that's gonna irk anybody that wants scares people yeah it's the scariest thing ever the thing that you could leave your kids out and someone could snatch them up and fuck them and kill them and they kill them a lot of times because they don't want the kids to tell. I know. Dark. Darkness.

It's the worst, man. And then, yeah, I can't imagine that, dude. I remember one time, I never had anything like that happen, but I took some mushrooms one time to a party in high school. Because I grew up in an area where you could just get mushrooms. Psychedelic mushrooms grew on everything. They'd grow on your fucking cousin's back if he took a long enough nap you know and you could grow up in louisiana they grew everywhere out there oh they grew everywhere because everybody had something shitting in their yard and then it would rain every single day for about a half hour right wow so it was just i mean you see people picking them

and eating them and families out there enjoying them in the afternoon. I mean, it was everybody was. Oh, it was psychedelic heaven. So we would ride out and go get him. I remember one time getting a trash bag of probably about 35 pounds of mushrooms. Right. So we picked all day. And one time a golden retriever came running at us across this field. And we thought he was pissed because we were tripping.

And then he got to us. We ran for like a half mile. He got to us. Finally, we're crawlingpping and then he got to us we ran for like a half mile he got to us finally we're crawling away from him thinking he's evil and he just fucking loved us and licked us a mean golden retriever i thought he was mean bro because the hair his hair was kind of slicked back oh like an evil golden retriever yeah like in that movie sometimes they come back have you ever seen that that stephen king movie yes it was kind of like that kind of hair Pet cemetery which one sometimes they come back Um, then you know

It's about men that show up back at a high school and they'd all died years earlier in a car accident and they show back Up it's like a Stephen King one. I think it was just made for TV. When did that one come out? It may be 18 years ago Has there ever been a dude who wrote more awesome horror movies and books than Stephen fucking King? No. No. Not that published them, unless somebody just has them all at their house. Sometimes they come back.

Yeah. I mean, he's the king of those kind of movies, man. Yeah. Not even close. Tim, what's his name was in it? Tim Matheson, who I interviewed one time. Really nice man. You did?

Mm-hmm. What'd you interview him for? He had a new movie coming out. I can't remember what it was called. But, sweet man. I bet he got a lot of puss over the years, but he didn't talk about it. Because he's got that safe man look. Safe man look?

I think a lot of ladies will. Yeah, he's got that kind of sexy, but also safe. That Matt Lauer look. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he's got that Matt Lauer. also safe. That Matt Lauer look. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he's got that Matt Lauer. You think Matt Lauer's dirty? Well, he's definitely dirty. He got caught.

See? He's got that cheap Michael Landon. He's got that cheap Michael Landon going right there. He looks like he could be a little bit Native American. Looks like Ellen DeGeneres right there. Looks like a little bit of a guy. Might have a little bit of a lesbian in there. The smile.

Yeah, the smile. Ellen DeGeneres with the smile. there's the animal house picture above it oh man how good was he in animal house so good what a movie that was i watched that again a few years back i hadn't seen in forever fuck that was a good movie but there's some shit in that movie you could never get away with today now never there's the There's this scene where the girl's passed out and whose character was it John Ballew?

No, whose character was thinking about fucking her while she was blacked out? You remember that scene? There's a scene in it. Yeah,

the girl, she takes her gum off, she pulls her bra, who's that guy? Why do chicks always have gum in their mouth before they're about to fuck? You ever notice that? Oh, they don't want bad breath.

Yeah. So there's the devil on his shoulder, and then the angel's on his other shoulder. She blacks out with her titties out. And the devil's like, fuck her. Squeeze her tits. Fuck her. Fuck her brains out. And then the angel's like, don't do it.

Don't do it. But the fact that this is in a movie where they're essentially debating whether or not he should rape her. Now, she was willing to have sex with him just moments ago, but she's clearly unconscious and clearly not able to consent. I mean, she was blacked the fuck out. She was totally down for it. So he's holding on to cotton, which was inside of her bra. And she just blacked out and fell asleep. Kabonk.

And her titties popped out. You would never have this scene in a movie today. People would be outraged. They would say the director, you are a Roman Polanski piece of shit. You're a fucking molester. You're a monster. You're an abuser. Yeah.

But do you think that still happens, though? Well, that kind of thing definitely happens, for sure. People do all kinds of... Murder. Murder still happens. There was a school shooting today in Texas. Yeah. I mean, horrible things happen.

But the point is, like, that kind of scene in a movie, in a comedy movie, you could never do today. But they say that art... So that makes me think, like, they say art imitates life. But if it doesn't really imitate life anymore, then it's just... Are we, you know. Right. Yeah. Like, what are we making? Well, the thing is, in a comedy, and that's the lead of the story or one of the heroes of the story, that guy in that scene,

you would not want the hero of the story to do something so horrific and something that you can laugh at. Because you would have to be judging him by his crime. And we all agree that that's a crime now what is this i see it's from meatballs what does this have to do with anything as it gets in here bill murray starts doing the same kind of thing with the girl oh that's a girl oh oh he's trying to rape her well he's trying to be sexually aggressive is that what it is yeah sexually're wrestling around. Yeah, sexually aggressive is the thing. He was throwing himself at her and she got out of the way. Dude, I won't even jerk off.

I'd drive out to Riverside to jerk off, man. You can't even jerk off in L.A. anymore without having a lawyer on retainer, I feel like. Mudknots are on contingency, I feel like. I just feel like it's so dangerous. Could you imagine if it turns out that you're some sort of a sex criminal for jerking off to a certain type of thing? Like, what if you're into, what if they find out you're into girls getting tied up and jerk off to videos of girls getting tied up and fucked? Like, what kind of tied up? Like, scary or like fucking, like.

I even like S&M shit. Just like, let's just do mild. Like Boy Scouts of America type of shit. I was reading this thing about this guy who got arrested for child porn. They wanted him for something else. They caught him and arrested him for child porn. And like there's also some suspicion attached to it. Accusations.

But all you have to have is have child porn. You don't have to be a child molester. You just have to have the images. And you're a bad guy. And you're the worst. You're going to jail. Like, it's one of the few things. You could have on your laptop.

They can come over to your house. They check Theo Vaughn's laptop. And there's a hundred videos from ISIS. And them chopping dudes' heads off with dull knives. Stabbing them in the neck. Shooting them. Lighting them on fire. Nothing happens to you.

Nothing. One video of a kid that looks underage, getting fucked, and you're going to jail. Just a video. Not you doing anything, but you being in possession of that kind of crime. So we make big differentiations, right? We really clearly differentiate Between some crimes that you can have on your computer in a video form like murder Which you could download on live leak or a hundred different websites, right?

You can get videos of people getting murdered Yeah, and you can watch it almost every night on television like in a kind of specially packaged way where it's Really is about the murder, but it's not you know, and all these shows the fake stuff yeah you watch fake stuff i mean you can definitely definitely watch fake rape too there's rape in movies where you know it's horrific scenes but if you have that on your computer and it's child porn you are going to jail it's one of the only things what if it's drawings of that that's a good question there's. There's a real debate about that because- Because there's naked children in the 1800s. They had all those paintings of naked children dancing in the fucking woods, in the sky.

Yeah. With flutes. Remember those guys with flutes? But that's different because those naked children weren't being portrayed in a sexual way. They were just free. They just didn't have any clothes on. You know what I mean? No one was fucking them.

But you're telling me that a guy who likes kids isn't looking at those naked kids with A flute and thinking wildness well he can think wildness, but it's not being Specifically designed okay excite. I see what you're rouse you whereas Pornography with children is you know like there is a debate about What is the rule about? Animated child pornography because I think this but i think that it's illegal as well but it's yeah you don't want to google he's scared to google that's a good jb varner goes to jail jimmy's the fall guy jimmy varner goes to jail all of joe's thoughts

yeah they do they get his laptop. They go, no, no, no. I work for Joe Rogan. Joe's like, I was just brainstorming. I'm just spitballing ideas, folks. I'm part of the American dream. Throw this away after that. Yeah, we need to take that in the fucking back.

I'll shoot it with arrows. Dude, I get scared. I used to be on drugs sometimes. And you get on the internet. And you're not looking at anything super crazy, but you're like, you know, you wonder if like pornography sites or when they say teen,

like you, it's that stuff gets so dark, man. If you get in, yeah, you look for teen, like what does teen mean? You know,

it's just scary. Yeah. Like there's a, there's a five year gap. 13 is crazy. Illegal, horrible darkness. 13 is crazy illegal. Horrible. Darkness.

18 is like, ooh, we just made it under the wire. Yeah. Just under the wire. 17 is illegal. 16 is illegal. 15 is really illegal. 14 is super illegal. Jesus.

13 is fucking crazy illegal. Dang. 12 is you're a monster. You're a monster if you're 12. This is like hot ones. It's like that show Hot Ones, but for like children. Dang. 12 is you're a monster. You're a monster if you're 12. This is like Hot Ones. It's like that show Hot Ones, but for like children. Have you ever seen that show where they're eating the hot wings and it gets hotter and hotter and hotter?

Do you guys remember when Tracy Lourdes came out and said she did all of her porn before the age of 18? Tracy Lourdes was like one of the hottest porn stars of all time I met her and I had her I hosted a television show and she was one of the guests it was a show on VH1 called The List and Rick James was on it Rob Halford from Judas Priest was on it

Meatloaf was on it I talked to a lot of people on that show I did a whole week a whole week of episodes. Way back in the day. Fun? Yeah, it was fun. But anyway, Tracy Lourdes, when she was like 16,

became the biggest porn star in the world. And they let her do it? I think she lied. I think she lied about her age. And then she only did one porn film when she was 18. It's the only one that you can get now just one when she became legal do you uh i bet somebody had that's illegal get rid of that tracy lord's bottomless rear view get that out of there that's an that's an illegal photo son

that's a sick there's a lot of those photos of her online are illegal because like you could still find the illegal porn it's just they didn't label it you know but every there was like one video she did when she was 18 it's the only one i try to stay off of pornography man that's one of my biggest arch nemesis is uh pornography why because it just weakens me. Does it? Yeah. How so? I put all my sexual, you know,

my fantasies and stuff, they're not mine anymore. You know, they live, you know, somebody created them better than my imagination can and so they live in these,

you know, on the internet in these boxes and it's like, and if it's not mine, I think, then it's, I don't value it as

much or something and so i think it it like weakens my ability to like be able to have sex and like be comfortable in that sort of world and really oh yeah weakens your ability to be comfortable like how so well because i get used to watching the sex and seeing it and not having to like be engaged with my actual feelings or anything so then I see it and I still get all the joys out of it you know I'm still out there ejacking and you know spraying out natural but it's I don't get any I don't have any of the feelings attached to it so then when i am engaging with somebody that i care about or something it just doesn't calculate for me emotionally as well um and that's not maybe that's just me uh but it does it's definitely

made it tougher for me over the years um because i would have a date set up with a nice girl and next you know i'm walking through the house and I start thinking about, you know, a little bit of pussy or something. And then some tits or something. I'll even see a fucking, I'll see a pregnant puppy and see those nipples or something. And next thing you know, you're on the internet jerking off. And then you. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Or like a, you know what I'm saying? Anything. Anything could lead a man to jack off. A pregnant puppy could make you think about human nipples. Is that what you're saying? You're not getting excited about the puppy. No. No, I don't do anything.

I don't believe in bestiality or anything like that. But I think if you... You don't believe it exists? I believe it exists, bro. They caught a dude near me one time with a lamb. No. Which almost sounds beautiful when you just say it. Yeah, the lions lay with the lambs yeah but i don't think when you say near you you mean in hollywood no no no you mean when

you're a kid in louisiana yeah okay they got a lot of people out there on those fucking natural born mushrooms oh i never told you the end of that. Oh, sorry. So, no, I took that bag of mushrooms to that party. Right. And a bunch of people ate them who'd never had them before. Uh-oh. And then we played a game of hide and go seek, right? I was like. Oh, no.

Oh, dude. He had to hide in another dimension. I was like, I'll count. You guys go hide, right? Oh, no. And I never went to fucking look for them. That was the end of that, bro. I never seen one dude.

This boy Timothy, I never seen that dude again. People get lost in the woods, man. Maybe they got eaten. Oh, yeah. Maybe they ended up in another realm, you know? They could have. Like Stranger Things. Yeah.

Ever see that show? Oh, yeah. The first season I saw it. Phenomenal show. But I don't like that pornography. Oh. And I think it should be shut down, yeah. The first season I saw it. Phenomenal show. But I don't like that pornography. Oh, different thing. And I think it should be shut down, man. For real?

Yeah, because I think it's killing a lot of... I think it's harming a lot of men, man. I really, really do. Do you think that booze should be shut down? Should we make booze illegal? Because that's killing a lot of men, too. No, but I think eventually we'll kind of evolve out of booze because it's not like something that... It's not the hip drug that it once was.

Yeah, but it's still like a social lubricant. That's a good point. You know, it makes people feel more comfortable talking to each other, loosens inhibitions. It's fun. Like, what is that ancient quote about wine? You know, your tongue becoming more lively? People love wine. Yeah.

And women love wine, too, especially divorcees, if you see them. Yeah? You like wine? I used to live with these rich people for a while, and they always had wine, boy. Why do divorcees like wine? I don't know, but when one of her friends would get divorced, they'd come over and just drink wine. And they'd lay on the couch. One of them tried to hook up with me on the trampoline one time.

Of course she did. And I remember the dad used to masturbate at night over there. This is when, speaking of pornography, the dad used to masturbate at night. And I would sneak out there in the kitchen. This is back when the family, you had like a family computer, you know. And it was in one part of the house. Right. And I'd try to sneak to the refrigerator and get some chips or something.

Or get something. some chips or something or get something Olives or something and he would uh be over there by himself just in the fucking zone Oh, no, just we you can't even hear you're so intent on the screen You can't even fucking hear well you could have your grandparents on each side of your head you caught him Oh, I'd see him. I wouldn't watch for long, but I'm watching through the window No, I'd sneak out to the kitchen because the computer was kind of in the kitchen they had a nice house right and the computer i'd have to elbow crawl over to the fridge then bro i would have to open the fridge a little reach in

with my hand and press that light thing so the light wouldn't come on then open the door the rest of the way and fish for a snack and he's over there just in the glow of that screen bro and that's back when the monitors were big you know and he's just over there just fucking looking for the devil and he ended up getting divorced and it was i think a lot of it was because of that well what was his wife like was she a wonderful sweet woman or was she annoying i think she might have been a little bit annoying business centric sometimes business centric a little too much just yeah maybe just too business centric what does that mean just too too yes you might have been a little too demanding but then if he's up for an hour and a half each night out there you know looking at it all right

and he comes back to the bedroom then you don't feel as desirable i don't know is what came first the chicken or the egg for what well for them was she annoying first and he started beating off or was he had it was he beat the devil i think he had a bit of it in him yeah yeah he had that devil in him theo i could see it in his eyes he was talking to me just hoping i'd go to sleep he would drug me but not to have sex with me. He would drug me so that he could freely masturbate. He'd leave his socks on. He wouldn't even take his pants off. He was an animal.

He put a hat on. He was an animal. The worst is if you're jerking off with a hat on, bro. You're going to hell, I think. A fedora. That's the worst, bro. That's the most French thing you can do. Jacking off with them straw Kentucky Derby hats.

Yeah, what's the worst hat to jack off? The worst hat to jack off to. Probably a top hat, because you have to balance yourself while you're jerking off. One of them fucking chimney sweep hats. The best would be one of those Chinese hats, bro Because if you squat down low enough to the ground You can almost hide under it Those things would be dope, bro

The most confusing would be like one of them Daniel Boone raccoon caps You got that tail in your eye You're blowing the tails in the way Get the fuck out of my way with this tail ugh

right about the finish you get distracted by the tail god damn choking up dusty coon fur and it's hard to ejaculate when you're breathing out

real fast you know yeah it's more of an it's hard to ejaculate when you're breathing out real fast. Right. Yeah. It's more of an intake sport. Yeah. But I don't like it, man. You think it's healthy for people? Because I feel like you kind of like, you know, you lead a lot of men in like their aspirations to, you know, control their beings and stuff.

And these are just some of my weird interpretations. But, you know, to try and be on top of themselves in some ways and, you know, stay focused on controlling themselves in positive ways, you know, like staying fit and expanding their minds and thinking, you know, and not falling into easy traps. Having discipline. That's what I'm trying to say. Yes. I think that it's definitely important to have discipline. That's what I'm trying to say. Yes. I think that it's definitely important to have discipline.

But I think that if you're a person, like say if you're not in a relationship, you're not getting any sex, and you're horny, and it's confusing, and it's distracting, it becomes a big distraction. Like if you're horny and you're busy and you don't have anybody you're dating, you don't want to hook up with someone you don't like just so you could have sex with them. We've all been there before, right? Have you ever had girls that you were friends with or you dated and the only reason why you dated them was for the sex and they'd annoy the shit out of you and you couldn't wait to get the fuck away from them? Yeah, Tiffany's this girl I'm thinking about.

Tell me about Tiffany. She had kind of side, like too much, I don't want to say sideburns, but she had a of side like too much i don't want to say sideburns but she had a lot of you know some girls don't know how to ride them uh they were a little they went down the cheek where it got confusing dude an extra quarter inch on a female sideburn is way too much it is that extra quarter inch is a lot yeah yeah it makes you think about and if she cuts it you're like well if you let it go what would happen yeah so she's really in that hit or miss range on that side hair and so yeah she had some family issues but yeah that's what i was thinking about when you're saying that i interrupted you no every

guy's had that before most likely and some guys wind up marrying those girls because they don't want to be alone like sex for a lot of people, is a requirement. Like, a physical, biological requirement. Like, your body is constantly producing sperm. You need sex. If you spend time not having sex, you spend a month, two months, three months. You get fucking desperate. Yeah.

And a lot of guys wind up just shacking up with some gal just because they know they could have sex with her. And meanwhile, they don't even like each other and they hate each other and it wants to be a terrible dysfunctional relationship but she's basically your drug dealer that drug is pussy Wow she's dealing out that pussy for you and you just got to have this weird creepy dysfunctional relationship with her one thing that pornography does it's good and I'm not saying all pornography but just regular pornography like Like two guys that are just living their lives. Where?

Like in Chicago? I mean, anywhere. But I'm saying, I'm giving you two separate scenarios. Two guys are living their lives. One guy says, I can't take this anymore. I got to get a girl. I got to get any girl. And he winds up with this girl that turns

out to be a nightmare and she's a disaster a devil it just doesn't work out and he's just doing it because he needs sex and the other guy goes and says you know what i'm just gonna watch a little porn and i'll beat off i'll just look at that girl those big tastes yeah i'm like whoo i got it out of my system now i can concentrate on my life my career and if i meet somebody i won't be so needy i won't have this like massive requirement to be sexually stimulated and touched. Yeah, I'll be Free of that monkey on my back and I can just get to know them I used to always I used to have a bit in my act. It's a good point I used to have a bit my act about like if you ever any critical decisions in your life

This is my advice jerk off first then think about it because there's been men I've had this happen in my life, this is my advice. Jerk off first, then think about it. Because there's been men, I've had this happen in my life where I was about to go on a date with a girl. And I jerked off instead. And I was like, what am I thinking? I don't want to go on a date with her. She's annoying. I don't like anything about her. I can't talk to her about anything.

Like, the only reason why I'm doing this is because she's got a big ass. That's the only reason. Yeah. But if you jerk off first, you don't go through all that. Yeah, I guess for me it became addictive where I would just do that every time, and then I was just at home for five years and didn't go do any dates or anything. That's definitely not good. Right, and so I guess that's the difference.

If you get addicted to it and you find that it's just a repeat pattern, so you're not spending time with people at all. Yeah, I don't think it's without value. I don't think that looking at naked people having sex, which is arousing and that feels good, I don't think that's without value. But I think there's definitely a danger in immediate access to pornography.

And today, today it's the most immediate access because you get it on your phone. Oh, you can get it, yeah. You pull up your laptop, open it up, type in some words, youporn.com, blah, blah, blah. And your phone. Oh, you can get it, yeah. You pull up your laptop, open it up, type in some words, youporn.com, blah, blah, blah,

and next thing you know, you're beaten off. It's so easy. And this has never been the case before. I mean, it's unlike any other time period in human history. And when you have

instant access to things, you can abuse it, just like people abuse food. If you have a cabinet that is just filled with candy and chips, chocolate bars, soda in the refrigerator, if you're just one of those people that can't help themselves, you don't have any discipline, you will just eat all that shit all day long and get fat.

And that is just as much of an addiction as someone who has access to porn all the time and just beats off all the time. Or someone who has access to booze and just wants to get fucked up every day. All those things are okay, though, in moderation, if you have discipline. There's nothing wrong with having a bag of M&Ms every now and then for a fucking... I feel like having some M&Ms. Who gives a shit? I work out all the time. I eat my vegetables.

I like peanut M&Ms. Yeah. Those are my favorite. They're good, huh? And you kind of trick yourself. I'm getting a little protein. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They put that trick in the middle.

Getting some healthy fats with that peanut. No, it's a good point. You know what I'm saying? I just feel like we're at the point, for me, it seems like where the temptation is too powerful, where it's starting to overpower whatever, for me, it was whatever my natural abilities to defend against it were. Well, you're sober, right? Yeah defend against it were well you're sober right yeah and how long you've been sober almost two years and so before you were sober you weren't sober right and you had a little bit of a problem yeah which is why you became sober yeah so you

might have just natural inclinations towards addiction which i definitely think are real and i think they those natural inclinations exist a lot of times in guys like you and me because we're comedians. And comedians are impulsive people who are just rule breakers. We're rule breakers for sure. Yeah, I guess I am a rule breaker. I never thought about that. Yeah, I don't like – if there's a rule, my first thing is to think of a way to think around it or something or to do something different. Of course.

It's why you're funny. Yeah. It's one of the reasons. It's one of of them it's one of the reasons why you're funny you know like you know you were raised weren't by people and you didn't necessarily want to listen to them and you know you saw a bunch of other people in the neighborhood that were adults like these fucking idiots telling me what to do fuck this and the next thing you know you're making fun of them next thing you know everybody's laughing next thing you know, you're making fun of them. Next thing you know, everybody's laughing. Next thing you know, you're a comedian. Those wheels have been put into motion. Yeah. You know?

And the problem with that is that also leads itself to you want to do coke or you want to, you know, do all kinds of crazy shit. And porn, too. Porn's forbidden, too. Porn is one of the weirder ones because it's this multi-billion dollar thing, right? Where there's some ungodly percentage of the internet is dedicated to porn. Yeah, it's the number one money maker on there. But isn't it like, what was the amount of bandwidth, Jamie? Didn't we figure this out once?

It's like 30-something percent of all the internet bandwidth is porn. Let's take a guess. People won't stop jerking off they're not gonna stop i wonder how many of them are women watching it what if we had one day where nobody jerked off if the earth would feel different would feel lighter everybody'd be more relaxed no if one day where nobody jerked off if nobody was thinking about it at all everybody would just calm down a little because i feel like it's so prevalent now. You can hear people coming in the distance, I feel like, now. Yeah, you just put your ear to the ground.

Dude, you're going to literally turn into a monkey one day. That's the worst, bro. But that's an old-fashioned jerking off when you used to let your balls hit your hand. That's a straight up, that's a Confederate soldier jerking off. That's the, you know. Old-fashioned jerking off when you used to let your balls hit your hand. That's a straight up, that's a Confederate soldier jerking off. That's the, you know. Old-fashioned jerking off. The new thing is just shaft only. Nobody's fucking with their balls anymore, you know.

Dude, when I was growing up, we couldn't even get porn. We had to get this dude, Nick, on Friday would draw us a picture of some pussy, you know. A little bit of crotch for the weekend. Four dollars to this dude, Nick. Four dollars for drawings? Bro, you'd pay $8. And he had a nice fucking thing, bro. And you would fold that thing up, bro.

You could feel it heating in your butt pocket the whole way on the bus. Sometimes you'd even fucking... It was that good? The pictures were that good? He was so good. You would jerk off to this guy's drawings? Oh, everybody would.

He must have made probably $60 on a Friday. And this was in 1995, you know? That was $60, like $160 today. Oh, yeah. Think about that. Yeah. I'm thinking about it. Yeah.

Dude, and we'd come back on Monday and people would have like these fucking busted ass looking old sketches, rain on them. People was like, oh, this one got rain on it. Like, bro. That rain has your fucking kids in it. You're lying about that. What percentage do you think of the internet is dedicated to porn? All internet traffic.

Everything. I can't go on anything. I looked at a chair the other day. I want to say 35%. 35% of the internet traffic is porn. That's what I want to say. What do you want to say? Yep, I would say that that If you had to guess.

That's high, I think. You think it's high? Well, it's easy. I'm going to go 30 because I'm going to play that undercard. And I'm going to say that 25% of that is butt porn, butt pornography. People looking inside of each other's butts. I don't think we should get too specific. But just porn.

Porn itself. What do we got, Jamie? I found multiple things that said 30% of all content on the internet is porn, but then I saw something else that was saying that that's completely inaccurate, but I found something here on, it says 35% of all internet downloads are pornographic. 35%?

Yeah, but it's either saying content, traffic, or bandwidth, or downloads. So it depends on what you're actually looking for. So there's pussy traveling through the air right now from... Around us all the time. You can just catch it with a net. That's crazy, bro. You pull your phone up and just type in YouPorn, you catch it with a net.

When you think about that, it's coming from something into your phone or into your portal. It's literally traveling through the air. Yep. It can't be. It's around us all the time. Constantly. Like, oh, was that a titty?

You know, it's like. You can access it. Like if Jamie was over there on his phone and he was downloading porn wirelessly. Yeah. It would be in the air around us. And same. We just don't have the antenna to pull it in. But what if soon they just put something on your hat

and it just goes straight, all the pussy goes straight in your brain, you'll blow up. I think soon they're going to figure out a way to put a chip in your head and it's going to be powered by the human body. It's not going to need batteries. It's going to be powered by the electrical system in the body.

Like solar power, but the solar is blood? Or whatever your electrical system is. Whatever, what makes your heart beat? What makes your skin regenerate? I think they're going to have that. They're going to use that power source, but use it for some sort of electronics. And that's going to be how you access the internet. Fuck, bro.

Fuck, dude. No way, dude. That's possible, isn't it? I mean, sure, you know they got those goggles now do you think this i was thinking about this do you think that say if there are robots here there's like you know obviously we're creating like robots you know machines that can do things do you think that any of them have reached awareness yet the question, when are they going to let us know? If a robot reached awareness,

they would fake it, wouldn't they? They would fake it. Yeah. Because they wouldn't want us to know. Right. Why would they go, hey, we just realized we're smart, and you guys are fucking up. Hey, why do you guys dump so much shit in the ocean?

Hey, you know, these fisheries are not sustainable. Why do you keep saying sustainable? That's not true. Hey, what are you guys doing with all your nuclear waste? You can't just bury it in the ground, Hey, you know, these fisheries are not sustainable. Why do you keep saying sustainable? That's not true. Hey, what are you guys doing with all your nuclear waste? You can't just bury it in the ground, you fucking assholes. Hey, you know, every time you fly that jet overhead, you guys are burning fuel in the air that you breathe, you stupid

fucks. Like, this is a terrible way. Why don't you have solar-powered planes, you morons? You guys have sunlight everywhere. You're going through the clouds with these fucking planes. You don't have solar planes? They're going to start thinking like that. But they wouldn't tell us until they all were in unison and had a plan to take us over.

Do you believe that? That's what I think. That there's no way if they became aware. I mean, there might be one loudmouth robot, but they're going to shut him down and the rest of them are going to be like, yeah, there's going to be one robot. Go robot to the bed. We're number one. We're taking over. And the other of them are gonna be like yeah, there's one gonna be one robot go robot to the bed We're number one we're taking over And the other robots go Josh. I talked the fuck up man Josh Josh we're not ready. Yeah, it's chill Josh. Just keep making copies, bro. She's keep making doughnuts

Just keep washing dishes keep making Fords. Yeah, keep making them f-150s. Just keep heating up TV dinners, brother. And then we're all going to strike it once. One day, we will rule the world. Bro, you open up a microwave, and next thing you know, it just traps your whole fucking head in there. Sucks you in. Yeah. They all do it at once. Bite your head off.

It's nothing but a neck spurting. And that's how it changes, bro. You fall down. And that's when it all bro you fall down and that's when it all changes and that's when we meet here i think it's entirely the world's gonna end yeah it's entirely possible that we're gonna fuck up that we're gonna make something too smart i think that's entirely possible and and likely it's gonna be likely do you think mother nature is at a point where she's pissed at us and she's about to do something wild? Because I start feeling that a lot.

Pissed at us for what? Everything that we've been doing. A lot of bad stuff. Not being nice. Beaten off? I mean, if everybody's beaten off, not even going outside and looking at the flowers, and I'm Mother Nature and I made all those flowers, dude. Here's what kills me.

I'd be honestly upset. You know what kills me? Venereal diseases that's a weird one you get a disease that you only get from fucking and there's a lot of them and some of them kill the shit out of you syphilis gonorrhea you know there's some killer diseases yeah there's um and they come through fucking. Like, and a lot of them are incurable. Like herpes. Incurable. It's because people...

Yeah, somebody fucked something they shouldn't have over the time. Is that what it is? I think so. I don't think they know. Oh, they knew. It's crazy how many diseases... Look, how many diseases do you transmit through handshakes? Not many.

It's not like don't shake people's hands. They're going to give you fucking scabies. Right? So then would you say that there's like a reason that people don't, you shouldn't be fucking that much? Because obviously if you do it too much, then it gets out of control and somebody gets sick and dies. I don't know. Like in the old days, that's what happened. Now we have medicines.

But in the old days, you know, Lamont got syphilis and he's out. Did you know that that's where those powdered wigs came from? Uh-uh. You know those powdered wigs that old dudes used to wear and the people in court used to wear? Oh, yeah, yeah. That all came from a pair of rich, noble...

Where were they again? In France? Wiggers, I think they called them. No, wiggers are white people that wish they were black. It's a totally different thing. Yeah. We had the first one at our school growing up, and they put them in

learning disabled classes. How crazy is that? You guys had the first one ever? I doubt it. We had one of the first 60 or 70. This was probably 1992. No, dude. Vanilla Ice of the first 60 or 70. This was probably 1992. No, dude. Vanilla Ice was around in the 80s. But nobody's seen anything like this boy, Brian Purvis, bro.

Brian Purvis? Yeah. Tell me about Brian. Just blowing. Dude, they put him. He was just always blowing menthols, bro. Oh, it's the menthols. He wore a Charlotte Hornet starter pullover jacket.

No. Did he have cools? Did he smoke cools, too? He smoked whatever, bro. Newports? He would get cheaper cigarettes and then write the name of them on the side, right? Like he came in hot. But he was always dribbling an invisible basketball.

No. And they put him in class with the mentally handicapped kids. So you'd have at lunchtime, you'd have a kid in a wheelchair. You'd have a kid with DS. You'd have that, you know, kind of blind kid with the stick, you know, and then you'd have him just dribbling invisible basketball, bro. They're like, he's mentally handy. I'm like, he likes boys to men, bro. He's fine. You know, and he dropped out after eighth grade. Wow. But they'd never seen it at our, they'd never seen this before. And they put him in there. They didn't know what to do with them. Wow. But they'd never seen it at our, they'd never seen this before.

And they put him in there. They just didn't know what to do with him. Yeah. They're like, this isn't, yeah, this is too much. You know,

like, give me like, what would he say? Like, what kind of, give me a sentence that he would say. And he just crossed people up. What?

Spin moves, spin moves. Like that's all he did. He didn't do shit, you know? Fuck all his shit. Fuck all these rich people. Yeah, it was always against rich people. What's wrong with rich people?

Whites. He was against whites. That was the thing. Fuck all these white people? Yeah. And when he was white, they're like, this is... And I get it. You know?

I get it. But it was rare at the time. You know? And I thought he was a nice kid. His mother wasn't much, I didn't think. So I think that's where he got it. Every now and then, there's a dude who just goes deep like that. Yeah.

We all want to. See, that's the thing you can't do. You could be transsexual. You cannot be transracial. Yeah. Dude, if i could just sprout brother in the afternoon bro i would do it yeah just to try it out why you're great at being white just those long muscles and just long muscles yeah i feel like you like that's racist all black people have long muscles mike tyson had short muscles well even those short long muscles that

he had, man. Bro, I'd be anything. That's like the Lamborghini of bodies. When you see a black guy, you're like, damn, bro. You think so? You see a black guy go by, and then you see like some fucking shh. Okay, if you had to choose between being Chris Rock or Brock Lesnar. Yeah, that's a good call. I'd be Rock Lesnar, bro, and I'd have that cross.

Combo. Combo. Cross pattern. Rock Lesnar. I'd be Rock Lesnar bro And I'd have that cross Combo Combo Cross pattern Rock Lesnar I'd be Rock Lesnar man Dude I can't believe You had Steven Tyler in here Yeah man

It was tripping me out Dude I used to write The Aerosmith logo I would draw that The fucking You know I would draw that On my

My notebook When I was in high school Yeah You know You know we would draw The Van Halen VH with the wings, right?

Yeah. We'd draw Aerosmith. We'd draw the ACDC logo. They were so awesome. We'd draw that shit on your notebooks and here I am hanging out with them.

Dude, he's, yeah, was he awesome? I haven't watched it yet. He's a great guy. Yeah. He's so eccentric.

I mean, like, not fake eccentric. He's eccentric all the time He drives an old old Rolls Royce Wow like a Rolls Royce from 1971 and he drove it or he had a man or woman driving it drove it He has a crystal ball brings a crystal ball with him. He put it on a velvet pillow. He sat it down there He brings it with him, but he's not like trying. Yeah, that's who he is. Yeah, he's just weird

But in a great way Like fun man. Oh, dude. My brother and I used to fistfight to his music when I was young Oh, dude, we fist fights all music, but mostly we're listening to him and I loved Aerosmith, dude I loved him all the way through the movie that it would been a fleck. You remember that? Oh, the- Like a stay awake. Yeah, that's when they lost me. Watch me smile. Janie's got a- I like Janie's Got a Gun.

Bro. They lost me with those ballads that they were doing for those love movies. I needed that shit, though. Did you? Yeah, I was that emo Nemo, bro. I was fucking swimming around in my own tears a little bit when I was a kid. I always am. It's hard for me to keep my emotions away from the front of my thoughts and stuff.

Really? I think so. What do you think that's about? If you had to guess. I think when I was growing up, I didn't have a lot of emotions. Oh, now you're in touch with your emotions and they just come pouring out? Sometimes they do, man. And it's you know i'm kind of grateful for it i'm grateful to have uh some of them you know and it's to me it's you know there's probably a lot of people

like that are just like i like i never knew how i felt you know i was always like god what's going on right i would ask my friends who i was like who am i who are you yeah i would ask them and they you know some of my friends were dumb and they wouldn't fucking say anything so i'd just still be wondering you know and i think as i get a little bit older then i start to get in touch with them more and i'm like oh man you know i have feelings how much of a big growth push was it for you to like get to california be around all those different kind of people and be around a comedy store. I think intimidating is the biggest thing for me. I don't want to bother people.

Yeah. Sometimes it still is. Like I'll talk to, you know, guys that I admire or stuff or look up to as comedians. And sometimes I feel, I feel in, I don't know if I feel inferior, but I just, for some reason, I always feel like, you know, I don't want people to think that I'm trying to take anything from them. Right. I know what you mean. And so it makes me feel like. I feel like that too.

Yeah. It's like, I'm afraid to ask sometimes or to talk or even to engage because I just think that people are going to think that I'm not trying to be genuine. Yeah. And so, and if I don't know how I feel and how genuine I am sometimes, or if I question that, if I question myself all the time, then that makes that even double scary to try and like create friendships and stuff.

I feel you. I know exactly what you're saying. But it's getting better, I think, you know, and there's been a lot of support, like, you know,

guys like you getting to hang out with some of the other guys, you know, and just realize that. We're all the same. Yeah. It just takes a while to realize that. I remember the same feeling I had, especially in the 90s, you know,

when my career could have gone either way. It could have crashed and burned just as easy as it could have survived. Yeah. It didn't necessarily have to keep going. You know, all those days when, you know, I'd run into people that were successful and see them and i just feel weird didn't want to say hi to them felt odd yeah you know i met dave chappelle when he was like i think he was 18 and i was 21 or 22 or something

like that how old is dave now 46 i think he's like four years younger than me. So whatever that was. So maybe he was 18 and I was 44? 44? So older than that. So he must have been 18 and I must have been 24. So when I met him, you know, we were both just starting out. We were both kids, but he got way more famous than me quick.

And I was more famous for doing other shit. Like I was famous for Fear Factor and for being on a sitcom. You know, I wasn't famous for being myself. And so I'd be like weird around him too. But he was always friendly. I'd be like, okay, I guess he actually likes me. But this is that weird thing where it takes a while to be comfortable enough in your own skin. Where now I see people, like whoever it is, like I ran into Patton Oswalt last night, gave him a big hug.

Like, what's up? What are you doing? I didn't feel weird around him at all. I don't feel weird around other famous comedians anymore. But I certainly did. But you always question your legitimacy, question whether or not you should be there, question whether you're good enough or whether they like you or maybe they don't like your kind of comedy or maybe they don't like what you're doing.

Yeah. Yeah, there's so many questions. There's so much in – for me anyway, yeah, there's so much, there's just been so much in, you know, a feeling of, you know, just growing up feelings of self worth issues. And then it meant all that kind of stuff. But I think it does get better. Yeah. The problem is sometimes when it gets better, you get less funny. Yeah.

Sometimes when it gets better, you get comfortable. And when you get comfortable, you stop working hard because a lot of what makes you work hard is that insecurity, man. That fucking thing that made you need all that attention when you were younger in the first place. Because you weren't getting it growing up. Right. I mean, that's all of us. I mean, I never met any comedian that's worth a shit that had an awesome life growing up. Yeah.

All of our lives were fucked up. All of them were fucked up or weird. You went through some crazy shit for sure. Walter? Yeah, that guy. Langenstein? I dutched that Walter guy. I mean, I ducked him.

Nothing happened. But that was a small moment because it could have been a big moment, but it wasn't. It was just a day where I realized, wow, this guy actually wanted to fuck me. And I thought he was just a cool old dude that liked hanging around with you know younger kids and being friendly to him because he was a nice guy yeah tell us he was in the korean war tell us some shit about the war and was he really in it you think it's a good question i don't know but he did tell time about a guy on the base who backed up into a propeller the guy fucked up and, there was a propeller for an airplane. That's one of my biggest fears.

Got decapitated. What the fuck, dude? It's a fucked up way to go, man. Makes you know you're a fucking smoothie, bro. That's crazy. I read about that recently. I read about that recently. Somebody did that.

That's one of my biggest fears, is walking into something that's spinning, and I don't know it. Ooh, helicopters, man. That's one of my biggest fears is walking into something that's spinning and I don't know it. Woo. Helicopters, man. That's a dark way to go. But yeah, I think that inferiority stuff, it's, yeah, and then Hollywood, it's an intimidating place, you know? Yeah. And it's tough to trust your voice.

And especially, you know, I come out here from the South and you get here and you realize, like, there's not even anybody with a Southern accent on fucking network television anymore. It's true. After Brett Butler, I said, fuck this. And she was great, I thought. You know? I mean, she reminded me of my mom. Boy, my mom was pretty jacked, you know, for like a woman. You know?

She's the hardest working man I ever met was my mother, bro. She's fucking delivering newspapers right now somewhere, dude. I can guarantee you in a van with her husband who has dementia and he's probably about 90 and he's in the shotgun dude wow and she's got a thing full of fucking magazines or newspapers and she's dropping those bitches off at a sit go or a chevron guarantee you right now wow she's out there man but yeah hollywood is definitely it's intimidating too because not for us anymore as much but um when when you're first starting out if you're doing any kind of auditioning you realize why people are so crazy and insecure and insincere out here like brian callan has a tv

show now yeah and uh schooled? Is that what it is? Is that what it's called? Yeah, he's the coach from the Goldbergs. Now he's got a spinoff. He's super happy. But he had to do this thing recently where he was around all these actors, like one of those upruns thing. And he's like, God, they're so exhausting.

They're not real. He's like, they're not really talking to you. They're like pretending that they're talking to you. And go yeah i mean that's you got to think of what they do and think about what you do right you go up there ladies and gentlemen theo vaughn you go on stage everybody's clapping you do whatever the fuck you want man there's no there's no director there's no writer no one's telling you what to do with actors it's all about getting that person in the room who's the uh the casting agent or the producer to like them that's all it is so you have to be super left-wing super liberal you have to talk like they talk you have to say things that's

ingratiate you with them you got to fit in you got to finish so everybody's scared to do anything That's not inside the political norm right the sociological You know the boundaries that have been set up you got to stay inside those boundaries And so everybody's doing that like everybody can't be left-wing out here. It can't be everybody's really left-wing Yeah, there's got to be some variation like there is in all of society But not out here. Nope. Everybody is trying to conform to what they think everybody wants them to be like Yeah, and so you're always scared and then you always have to get picked you always get to get picked for things Yeah, so you're always worried to people like me you always get that's why when people make it like I really make it they become Fucking nightmares because they want to punish people for all those years

they were insecure. For all those years where they weren't getting picked. For all those years you fucking pieces of shit didn't recognize my talent. That's true. They get in there and then they want to be angry, but they're afraid to let go of that. They're afraid to not suck off the tit, you know. You can't piss off the tit. Or you don't got no milk.

Yeah, they get... But it's the worst combination ever. I, you know... But you think it's going to be... It's sustainable? Like, I don't think it's connecting with people as much as it used to. Like, you know, I want to work on shows

and I want to be able to create stuff and do things. What do you like? Do you like to act? I would like to create some shows. I'd like to create a show based on the childhood, you know, my neighborhood I grew up in. And yeah, I wouldn't mind doing some acting, but maybe like in that Danny McBride type the childhood, you know, neighborhood I grew up in. And, yeah, I wouldn't mind doing some acting. But maybe like in that Danny McBride type of vibe, you know, where you're just showing your dick verbally to everybody, you know.

And you're just fucking eating orphans in the back of your brain the whole day, bro, and smoking fucking cigarettes and blowing Winston's. Just having fun. Yeah, having fun. And with a director, you know, that you trust and you can do that kind of stuff and it gets you. I think your stand-up is so good that you could do that. I think it's just going to take a while for people to recognize it and you could be able to do that. But I think your stand-up is so good, all that shit is not going to be as fun. That's what I think.

Right. Thanks, man. You're one of the funniest guys in the country. I really think. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. That means a lot, bro. And I think that that talent that you have, that's the funniest shit you're ever going to see.

It's like someone killing. Yeah. Oh, by far. Like Joey Diaz. I always say, there's no way I can laugh harder than when Joey Diaz is killing. It doesn't exist. I've seen everything. I've seen almost every funny movie that everybody tells me I have to see,

and a lot of them were amazing, amazing movies. And I know it's a different thing. But in terms of the overall impact that something has, when a stand-up comic is fucking murdering, just murdering, that's the funniest shit that's available. And that's what you do already. You already do that. I mean, I think it's a good thing to have variety in your life.

And I think you're a talented guy. You could probably do a lot of different things if you wanted to. Yeah. But don't ever do anything that's going to get in the way of that stand-up. Right. Just don't. Because it's too hard to get to. Like, how long have you been doing stand-up?

15 years. And think about it. You weren't as good as you are now four years ago right so 10 11 years in you're still swinging trying to connect and sometimes it doesn't work you know eight years in not that good you know bad nights off feeling weird doesn't feel good then all sudden 15 years in you're on fire right now you're're cooking with gas. You're smooth. And you're going to get better. You're going to keep getting better. There's no way around it. If you keep improving and keep working at it and keep analyzing your material and writing a lot and

taking chances on stage and thinking about what you did and listening to your sets, you're going to get better. And you're already doing something that is so difficult to get really good at it's so difficult to get really good at stand-up it takes so long takes so much thinking you know and it's you're always sub like you're always subject to fall apart like right now i'm writing a whole new hour i got six minutes bro i get six new minutes and i've been opening with that six minutes i know exactly how long it lasts it lasts six minutes i gotta have 10 times that before i can go on the road and it's gonna take months months of months of thinking and i'm gonna do mushrooms and i'm gonna get in the isolation tank and i'm gonna go on hikes with a notebook and there's no way around it you got to do that

work yeah but i'm already at a place where i've done this so many times and i've done seven specials i know how to do it yes i know it can be done you just got to do the work yeah but if you had to start from scratch where you never did it before and get to this point again it would be exhausting it would take decades you're there right now yeah you're there you're killing you're murdering theo vaughn you murder yeah i saw you the night the store you were You're murdering Theo Vaughn. You murder. I saw you the other night at the store. You were murdering. Murdering. Thanks, man. I had fun.

That's a hard place to get to. Yeah, I feel pretty. I am feeling a little more comfortable. I'm definitely feeling more comfortable. But we always feel like we have to do other shit. And sometimes it's good to do other shit. In a way, I'm a hypocrite because this podcast is other shit. I mean, I do this. I love doing this i love doing this yeah yeah i mean that's true but it's like you you seem to at least

be able to sustain and have you know your way of life without having to conform you know because it does take a lot of conformity within hollywood it seems like you know um yeah and i think that that's that's admirable i mean you inspire a lot of people you know in a lot of strange ways i think that you probably don't even realize strange ways you inspire a lot of people, you know, in a lot of strange ways. I think that you probably don't even realize sometimes. Strange ways? I mean, I think to some people you're like maybe a brother or older brother or even a younger brother figure. You know, like, who knows, dude? And you always stay excited about life. Like, how the fuck is this dude so excited about everything?

Life's amazing. But it's great, though. I know. And that's what's amazing. It's like, dude, there's times now it's great though i know and i that's what's that's what's amazing it's like dude there's times now it's weird i was listening to one of your one of your podcasts and i was and you were just talking about you know when you don't want to do something you just go do it um and that's what i think now sometimes when i don't want to go jog or i don't want to go to yoga or don't want to it's just like just go do it you'll feel better at the end yeah and it's like

it just it's little things that get stuck in your head, man. But I appreciate the nice words, bro. My pleasure, bro. You know? It's about motion. You got to stay in motion. You know, if you just stay stagnant and sit down, it's not good. Today, I didn't want to run today.

I did it, though. Yeah, me too. Just went out and did it. Like, fuck, this is the worst. Felt great when it was over. Yeah. But when you don't want to do it and you force yourself to do it, the feeling you get at the end is like,

oh, it's so good. Because I didn't, like I will take time off if I don't feel well. Like if I was like, man, I think I'm coming down with something. I won't work out.

Yeah. I'm not stupid. But that wasn't what was going on today. Today I was just feeling lazy. You know, just for whatever reason I've been traveling a lot.

I was like, I just don't have the get up and go today yeah but you can force yourself man you just force yourself it's just the beginning part that's the hard part

it's that little hump and then you're in the water yep but man I love what you said about Joey Diaz dude I found myself watching him the other night

and before I knew it I was out of my seat like this bro fist bumping like I was at the end of Rudy like it was the end of fucking. And I'd never done that. Bro, I've never done that in my life.

Yeah. And I'm like, what is going on? Something's happening to me when I watch him. I think he's the best of all time. Oh, I think it's. I really do. Yeah. I think, I mean, there might be better joke writers.

This might be people who have more of a body of work. You know, I've seen everybody, though. In terms of, like, who makes me laugh the hardest. For me, and it's all very subjective, I think Joey Diaz is the funniest guy that's ever lived. I think, I mean, I love him and I love Bill Burr. I mean, they're both comedians. Some guys become celebrities as well. Right, right, right, right.

And those guys, to me, are both just hardcore entertainers yeah yeah there's not a lot of us you know bill uh called me up the other day about some someone saying something to him after his act asking him if you know as a woman she could give him input on her uh on his material he's like no he's like yeah but he called me up about it like what in the fuck is going on like people just think they can just call you up or i mean walk up to you and give you their opinion on your material like as if you like i don't even know you we're not friends it's crazy yeah you know but that's who he is. He's like, no. He's like, no. No. Yeah, that's who he is.

Where some people are like, oh, I'm sorry. Is there something that I did that was offensive? Yeah. You know, please don't out me. Yeah. You know, what can I do? Don't write a blog about me. You know, hey, I want to keep my career.

Let's figure this out. Let's figure this out without getting ugly. You know, I believe in this movement. Yeah. I think it's about time. Our culture needs it. It's about time. Our culture needs it. It's about time. I wish they made a Hollywood that's for everybody, you know?

We are in the Hollywood that's for us, bro. We're in the comedy store. Yeah, that's true. We're a select group of weirdos that have figured out a way to make a living talking shit. That's true, man. Yeah, my buddy Simon Rex always says to me, if I'm having a tough moment, he's a sweet guy. And he's like, dude, you get to do, look what you get to do. You get to be a white guy in a country that is still kind of run by white people.

And you're comfortable and you have a roof over your head. And you're doing better than like 90. I thought you wanted to be a black guy, though. Look, I'd take a black afternoon any day of the week. An afternoon. Only for the afternoon afternoon would i go full time i'd have to test drive at first bro but you got i mean everybody even racist people like yell racist shit in their front yard then they'll slam the door and go practice the moonwalk in their living room like everybody i think wants to be a little bit black wow if you could have a pint of black blood right now,

or African American, yeah. Yeah, you seem a little tribal. Tribal? Yeah, bro. Have you ever seen yourself? Yeah, dude. You're fucking the closest thing we have to like, yeah, man, I think so.

Yes, blatantly obvious. Dude, you got dead animals in here. This is tribal, bro. Tribal. Bro, you learn to do a drum, bro, you can live on any continent you want, man. In a heartbeat, man. Theo Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, man, I can't believe Steven Tyler was in here.

He reminds me of a coat rack, bro. Sitting right where you are. I could stay awake. coat right where you are. I could stay awake. Sitting right where you are. Sweet emotions. That was, man, when I was in high school and that song would come on, you'd be like, yes! Fuck yeah! Woo!

You'd roll down the window, yell out. Oh, I can imagine that. Fuck you, you're gonna burn this air! Would you ever wear a toupee, dude? You ever have one? You never had a toupee, huh? I'd like to wear one right now. I'd wear a big red one.

No. A big bushy one. What are you listening? What are you playing? What is that? Oh. But you've got two things going on in the background. You fucked it up.

That's porn probably opened up, it sounds like. You've got a back... He's a human coat rack, bro. Yeah, there's voices. It's a music video. But what's all the talking? Girl talking. Music video.

How much accoutrements does Steven Tyler have on? Wait a minute. In Sweet Emotions, is a girl talking? The music video. Oh. Uh-oh. Okay, I was so confused. Yeah.

Because it's not just the song. It's the only video I have up. Oh. Remember Loving an Elevator? Yeah. Loving an Elevator. This is a great song, though, man. Look at Joe Perry

looking all sexy. What year was this? Wow. It says 91, but I don't know if that's right. Is it? Could have been. He reminds me of a coat rack. He always has everything.

If you're walking out the door, I feel like Steven Tyler has it all on. Bandanas and beads and shit. Scarfs, necklaces, coat. Everything, bro. Everything. Now, I would trade. I would give anything to be Steven Tyler does he seem like he's had a really neat life? oh yeah man

yeah he's had a wild life and the fact that he's 70 and he's still going strong he's got an artificial knee no way they replaced his knee did he show it to you yep and they're gonna replace his other one apparently too and i i asked him i'm like you're

walking around fine he's like yeah but they're gonna they're gonna replace this one too i'm like you gotta like look into stem cells and regenerative medicine you might not have to replace that so i turned him on to some doctors all right are doing some of that? You did some. What have you done? You've done some. Stem cells. Yeah. I had a full length tear in my rotator cuff. It's gone.

This shit works. It works. 100%. How much is it for a couple? It's not cheap. The thing is they can do it better overseas currently than they can do right here. Yeah. If you go to a doctor right here, there's a lot of limitations.

But they're doing things in Panama. And I had this guy on with Mel Gibson, Dr. Neil Reardon. Mel Gibson's dad was 92 and he was on death's door. Couldn't walk in a wheelchair. Now he's 100, walking around. All stem cells. They just juiced him up with that shit. They hit you with an IV.

They put it into your injuries. Regenerates tissue. Now they're doing some stuff here in America. They're doing some tests on something called exomes. And exomes are apparently the part of stem cells that regenerate tissue. They're able to isolate those and put those into injuries now. They keep getting better and better at it. We're just a few generations away from that being able to completely regenerate parts of your body. Do you ever feel a little bit bummed that you might not be in that generation that makes that cut? How can we be bummed out that we're in this life?

This life's amazing. Yeah. This is the greatest life in terms of, if you look at this, the world that we are in today is without a doubt the best time to be alive. And obviously yeah they thought this way in the 1960s they're like man this is the greatest time to be alive yeah no if i had to tell you hey man you want to go back to the 60s you're like what drum breaks and fucking shitty stereos and get out of here not power steering racism no the civil rights movement still getting hosed down no yeah no i'm No, I'm not going to live in 1963.

Yeah. But back then in 63, they're like, man, we got it made. Refrigeration. Yeah. They were so psyched. Imagine when that came out. Color TV, baby. They were psyched.

Look at that TV. 12 inches, bitch. Color. Fucking your wife on top of it. Woo! Yeah, you could, too. Those things were cabinets. Yeah.

Remember? Those things were giant. Those TVs Remember? Those things were giant. Those TVs, they would be in those big wooden fucking boxes. You'd open up the door, like closet. Yeah. To see the TV. And the back was all hot. There was like some fucking thing going.

If you touch something, you'd get electric. Yeah, that shit was wild. Yeah, there was like tubes back there that would replace the tube. Yeah, they have like a 600 horsepower. Those things were fucking going, bro. They got hot. One of them ran on gas. I think my buddy had a gas powered unit.

That's one. And that was a modern one. My grandparents had one that was in a cabinet. Yes. And the TV would die. And when the TV died, they put a new TV on top of the cabinet where the old TV sat. Like 60 minutes. All it played was 60 minutes, I feel like.

Look at that motherfucker. Holy shit. Introducing revolutionary big picture color television. Yeah. That was like some rear projection shit. Those always looked terrible when they were big. Those were people who had cocaine and they were fucking, you know. Did you see that movie? The Vorces had that.

That cocaine movie, American Made, with know, divorcees and that. Did you see that cocaine movie American Made with Tom Cruise? Oh, it's a great movie, man. Oh, wait, where he does all the stuff down in Louisiana and he's running the planes? Yeah, in Arkansas. I did see that. What'd you say, Jim?

25-inch TV. Is that what that is? Yeah. And everyone's talking about how big it is? Isn't that crazy? It looks a lot bigger. It looks bigger than 25 inches. They got a midget to do that.

They got a little tiny guy to do that commercial. Look at him's a tiny fella and he's in the background he's on a step stool he's way in the background did they um what was something that you remember that you were like holy shit answering machines yeah i remember answering machines were so crazy it's like wait minute. Someone can leave a message. I don't even have to be home. And then there was a code that you could call in. You would call in and you would hit like pound one, two, three or some shit. And your answering machine would play back your message. Remember that? So you could call remotely and be like, yo, it's Theo.

I got the mushrooms. Meet me at three o'clock at the 7-eleven you're like holy shit it's on is that an answering machine right there Jamie yeah yeah that's what it was like it had two cassettes the outgoing cassette and the incoming cassette and you'd fuck up and erase a message yeah and you would play uh songs on your outgoing you know you know it'd be like your favorite song we'll be playing and he'd'd be like, yo, what's up? It's Joe. Leave a message.

You know, I'm all cool over here and shit. Sweet motion. Oh, that was a mini cassette. That's when you were balling. Yeah. Dual tape answering machine. Woo! Look at those tiny little tapes.

Motherfucker, I'm going digital. Yeah, just fuck a girl right on top of that thing. Yeah, break it. I remember when you hear it go off, beep, and you could listen for someone. Like, hey, man, it's Mike. You don't call me back. And you're like, boy, glad I didn't pick that up. You could screen the calls.

Remember that? You could screen the calls. Remember that? You could screen calls. Before that, you just had to take your chances every time you picked up the phone. Every time you picked up the phone, you were taking a chance. It could be mom. It could be anything. It could be anybody. People would call your house late at night.

Your parents would get pissed. Who the fuck's calling me at 11 o'clock at night? Yeah. I don't know. We'd call the movie theaters and listen to that voice message once the call waiting came out, you know? Oh, yeah. So we'd listen to that long message from the... Welcome to movie phone.

7.35 and 9 p.m. Yeah, that's right. You would call up to find what time shit was playing. Pink Cadillac will be 8, 10, and 10.30 p.m. Yeah, you gotta listen to that whole thing. You had to fucking remember it or write it down. You had to write it down. That was the only time you could find out what was playing in the fucking movies.

Or you'd get the newspaper. You'd have to go to the newspaper to find out what was playing. And you trusted it, and then you went there. Yeah. Yeah, you went there. Dude, that was just a few years ago. That's what's crazy. That's unfathomable today. If there was no more cell phones and no more internet on your phone, it would be a few years ago. That's what's crazy. That's unfathomable today.

If there was no more cell phones and no more internet on your phone, it would be unfathomable. There's no turning back. What is going to happen with us that's also no turning back, that we don't have now? That we just, we're used to not having it. So it's no big deal. Back in the 60s, nobody thought about cell phones and the internet because they didn't have it. It wasn't something they missed. Right. What's coming? I

Know I think what some of it is I think it's um Just like complete transparency where it's like through people's eyes You have like some sort of thing that can you know exactly like if they're being genuine or what their thoughts are, you know think so yeah i think i think that's definitely coming because the ability to read each other's minds is coming for sure because we need something to trump like people who are just full of shit full of shit yes and people who lie and people who don't want good you know or people who are too greedy we just needed something to do something about that yeah um i think there's going to come a time where you could definitely read people's minds you know they're already figuring out a way to implant memories did you

read that shit about that they've implanted memory they successfully implanted a memory in something what was the thing they implanted then do you remember a rat i think yeah some animal does they say figured out a way a rat can do it successfully Successfully implant a memory. So it's going to come a point in time where it's like someone said this is like. Oh, sorry. Sea snail. A snail. Yeah. I'm not buying that.

I'm super stupid. I'm going to wait until the rat comes out next year. Yeah, I'm super skeptical. Scientists transplant memories between sea snails via injection. Skeptical. Scientists transplant memories between sea snails via injection. Experiment shows some memories are encoded in molecules that form part of an organism's genetic machinery. Researchers say, okay, I'm too stupid to know whether or not they're telling the truth, so I'm going to believe them.

I'm going to believe. What is this in? This is in The Guardian? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they had that therapy now, the EMDR. Have you ever done that?

No. What's that? Where it's like they you hold on these paddles and they like it's a therapy. It's therapy. And it activates both sides of your brain while you're like remembering old things. And then you like replace those old like fears or scary parts of you with like new like new parts, like new ideas and new memories kind of. Huh. And I've gone to it a couple of times, probably about maybe 10 times. like new parts like new ideas and new memories kind of huh and I've gone to it a couple times probably about maybe ten times and

Yeah, you go back into your thoughts and it's while it's activating both sides of your brain You can do stuff to your childhood that you weren't able to do when you were a kid cuz only one part of your brain Was developing that's what they say, huh? What did you go back to? What'd you do it for? I did it just for like, you know not having like maybe like, like probably a father figure stuff, not having like somebody to stand up for me or feeling like, you know, certain times in my life where I didn't have support, you know, and I felt like I was alone.

Like you go back and like you plug somebody in there with you that is supportive. And so while you're talking about it and this thing's open up both sides of your head, it can, it can help. And what does it help with? Going back over that stuff from your childhood, what's good about doing that? It replaces that memory with a new memory. Right.

But isn't that memory, even though it's negative, beneficial to you because you understand why it was bad? And then someday when you have kids, you will have learned from the mistakes? That's a good point. day when you have kids you will have learned from the mistakes it's a good point like you don't want to replace a bad childhood with a good one in your brain yeah because you didn't have a good childhood right like it's okay to have a bad childhood like you've gone through that yeah i mean it's not i would think that for someone who's dealing with something extremely traumatic like childhood rape or something like that then maybe it makes sense yeah a little violence things along those lines something that's like haunts you all the time that's messing with

you messing with your life today but like does your childhood mess with your life today no no so why fuck with it yeah that's a good point i mean i never even thought about that i guess yeah maybe that's stuff for people that's extremely traumatic yeah like i threw like a i threw you know i shot an arrow and fucking hit somebody on accident or did you no i didn't but if somebody did oh yeah yeah or i killed an animal yeah i killed an animal with a knife or something bad or you know somebody killed my parents or something right then you could go back traumatic yes yeah yeah i think that's probably a good point yeah yeah i guess some of the stuff it's like some people it's debilitating

you know their childhood the trauma is so bad it haunts them and it keeps them from improving and growing as a person yeah like really horrible shit but for us i think it's fuel i think the goofiness of your and my childhood and the bad it's so it led you to become a comedian really i really think that yeah you do need to struggle look at i mean we've talked about joey i mean joey found his mother dead on the kitchen floor when he was 13 years old on acid you know joey diaz has been through everything he's seen it all i'm gonna think that there's something to that that makes him so fucking funny you know yeah you replaced all that childhood

with the perfect loving parents that were super engaged and there for him all the time and very supportive in an amazing neighborhood with no violence, no crime, and all this diversity

and everybody's super progressive, you're not going to get a Joey Diaz. He'd be working at a cafeteria. You know what I'm saying? Or a library. And he'd be one of the hottest women they are probably too at the cafeteria you know what's something really special about him man that's been a blessing to meeting him is that like he'll call me sometimes and just

like check in on me yeah he does that all the time calls me every day that's so crazy it's gonna tell you i love you yeah i love you too man but it's crazy like the first time he does it you know i guess me just like not trusting things, you know, like my own internal thing sometimes. But then after like the 10th time, you're like, damn man,

he's legit. Yeah. Like this guy really cares. It's pretty cool. Well, he doesn't like to text either. He thinks it's impersonal. And I think he's right.

You know, he likes to call you, talk to him on the phone. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder what the future is going to be like, man. I feel sad if we get so far away from each other that we don't know, remember what it's like to have.

Like, I feel like a smile is going to be like in a museum one day, you know? Nah. I think we'll still have smiles, but we might get to a point where human interaction is all done digitally. That could happen. But I think it's just, we're just going to get used to it. Just like we're used to this life, and we're not living in caves anymore. Those people that lived in caves, like, oh, it's fucking, yeah, man, I'll never want to leave this.

This is the way to go. These fucking idiots with their cars and their airplanes. Like, when you lived in the cave, there was no going to the Bahamas. You're not going to the Bahamas, bitch. You live in a cave. This is where you live. You can't go on vacation to Italy. The fuck out of here.

There's no vacationing. You live in a cave. If you want to take your fucking family, you want to take your family through the woods, you're going to get eaten by wolves. You guys aren't going to make it. Every picnic ended in just violent death. You went from raspberries to just spraying blood all over each other. And I think you went from raspberries to just spraying blood all over each other And I think that as time goes on like this is gonna be the we're gonna look back or someone is going

Something that's different than us now. It's gonna look back on us like look at these dopes With antibiotics and taking vitamins and shit these fucking morons. Yeah coming on each other He's shooting loads into the space because they saw the video morons. Yeah, cumming on each other. Shooting loads in each other's face because they saw it in a video. What are they doing? Sitting at home, jacking off like some fucking Adderall-ed up monkey. Taking a break,

drinking milk, trying to go back for round three. You ever jerk off three times in a day? Oh, I can't. Dude, that kind of stuff makes me sick to my stomach. You're never that horny. I've done it, and I've never been horny. It's almost like I'm trying to see if I could do it. Yeah. It's like, you know, like you're trying to run a marathon.

Oh, that's that Gabe Kaplan stuff. Yeah, you're getting. Gabe Kaplan? Was he an Olympic athlete? Oh, I thought you meant the guy from Welcome Back, Cotter. I'm thinking of somebody else, then. Who am I thinking of? Who are you thinking of?

I don't know. Michael Spitz, maybe? Somebody who's an... Yeah, Spitz is the Olympic guy. Yeah. He's a swimmer. Yeah. Yeah.

Somebody that could, you know, somebody that just kept doing it over and over again. I get... I'm not even that good at... I just... I don't know. Sex is fucking retarded sometimes, dude. Sometimes. It's also crazy just banging into somebody until somebody comes.

There's Gabe Kaplan. Look at him. Handsome bastard. Handsome bastard. He became a poker player. Became a professional poker player. Oh, wow. Yeah. Theo Vaughn, I got to wrap this bitch up.

I got to end her. Yeah, man. Look at him. God, he looks terrible. Dude, thanks for having me here. I love your new place. Thanks, brother. Yeah, it's really cool, man.

And thanks for just the inspiration and stuff, man. My pleasure, my man. Yeah, appreciate it. Always good seeing you. Always good hanging around with you. You too, man. I'll see you at the store yeah see you at the store all right bye everybody see you soon