The Joe Rogan Experience - #1134 - Kyle Dunnigan

Episode Date: June 22, 2018

Kyle Dunnigan is a writer, actor and comedian. Check out his hilarious Instagram page: https://www.instagram.com/kyledunnigan1/

four three two one kyle donigan ladies and gentlemen that's right baby uh headphones or no headphones oh sure headphones grab them right there be a goddamn professional sir yeah baby

yeah that uh where'd you get that yeah baby yeah yeah well i just noticed she like she answers herself she's like i want to say she or she yeah yeah i'm very politically correct yeah but she'll be like that. I'm very politically correct.

Yeah. But she'll be like, yeah, so I went and I bought some Jimmy Choo's, yeah, yeah, and I called my sister,

yeah. So she's like, I think she spends a lot of time alone maybe and she's answering herself. What is going on with her voice? Because she didn't have

that voice when she was Bruce. It's a different voice. Is it? I thought it was like pretty similar. It's like, what's different? It's a little higher or something? It's like numb. Like her face? I thought it was pretty similar. It's like, what's different? It's a little higher or something?

It's like numb. Like her face is numb. Oh, her face. Like a shower, a hard time moving her face. Yeah, baby. Yeah, yeah. Well, bro, I thought she was, did you see her show, I Am Kate? No.

She did like a reality show. Yeah. Which bombed. I mean, how much of a boring person do you have to be when, I mean, how interesting is like an ex-Olympic athlete turns into a woman and you're so boring, still no one wants to see that show? Yeah, she needed a better producer.

It seems like you could put her in interesting situations. That show could go on forever. She was boring. Like I watched it. I tried to watch it. It was boring. God, I feel like there's's i just feel like they've missed the formula like that is a fascinating situation someone who waits until they're 60 years old and then becomes a man yeah how could that show not do well how could it i think what happened was she wasn't open about

what her transition it wasn't about that oh she didn't really talk about you know she's interesting she doesn't believe in gay marriage that that's when i like i was on her side and they're like yeah she's a you know why not support her i mean what how she said well i'm kind of a traditionalist yeah i'm a traditional girl show yeah ellen is a very maybe one of the wittiest people you know very witty and she went like this well how she was completely lost for words yeah because it's it makes no sense it's well ellen held her feet to the fire and their big feet she she she burned feet. I held my 17 Jimmy Choo's to the fire, baby. Yeah, baby.

She's got to order those custom, right? Oh, yeah. There's no way around it. Sure. For her to be against any group that she knows what it feels like to be shunned. Yeah. Unbelievable. It's just crazy.

She's just decided that she's a woman yeah a republican woman ew lesbians gross but she's a lesbian now yeah but now i date men baby does she or she's dating a trans jesus so confused what exhausted what is happening imagine if you were a man okay and then you became a woman and you dated a woman who became a man. What in the fuck is happening? You're like one of those yin yangs spinning through space. Yeah. And then you're like, gay marriage is gross.

Like, I'm going to judge that. They need to cut her brain open and figure out what's, what's going on. There's a lot of confusion and a lot of wanting to fit in and a lot of, you know, it just doesn't make any sense. And I really like people going through that. And I don't want to, you know, hurt anyone's feelings. I really just think she's, she's kind of an asshole. Oh, this is her girlfriend.

Oh. So the girlfriend used to be a boy too yes fascinating that is wow here's the wait a minute girlfriend used to be a boy that's what she used to look like oh christ the world is so strange and then she's like i just she's not a great person i mean she killed that lady with her car and then said nothing. That was the weirdest thing. Did you see the footage? No. It looks completely like her fault.

She bumped into this lady who was stopped, and the lady went across traffic and died. Yeah. And no one talked about it. I was putting on my Lancome in the mirror, didn't share. Is that what she said? No. I think she was looking at her phone. Yeah.

I don't want to see this. Uh-oh. I'm going to feel bad. Yeah. Some poor lady died. And no one gives a fuck because the story is not that. The story is she's a woman now. She's always been a woman.

She's always been a woman. I mean, it was good timing for her because people ignored that and sort of went. Well, it's crazy timing. That was bruce. Yeah. That video that and sort of went. Well, it's crazy timing. That was Bruch. Yeah. That video that you did of that. When did you start doing these videos? I'll tell you.

I was having midlife crisis panic, waking up at three in the morning. Really? I was writing for this show. This was last year. And it was a great job. Everyone was really nice. And something in my subconscious felt like i i don't know like i had to get out and i i quit the job and i was like

i'm just gonna make videos on instagram like what a what a great business move let me lose my health insurance and make videos for free on instagram dude you have the funniest page on instagram well thank you i haven't seen them all but of all the ones i've seen without a doubt you have the funniest page oh thank you very very much i mean i i went because of you from like 20 000 i've now like 240 something that's awesome because of you and uh you know and tom segura and well they're also like pumped it up it's just how good they are, man. It's viral. Once people watch a few of those. Dude, the one that you did where she was describing the different utensils that she uses to get herself off with.

The weed whacker. Oh, my God. Dude. Yeah. I'm close. Come on, girls. Ask my girls to help me out. Gotta finish.

When did you start doing the face swap thing? Are you using an Instagram filter? Yeah, there's an app. There's a face swap app you can download. And there's one for the Trump. I was doing Trump at first, and I don't look anything like him. So this was like a way to do a character and have that kind of... That Trump says

Stormy Daniels once. Terrific. Stormy. How'd you get my number? Okay. The other one that made me cry was Kim Kardashian and Trump when Kim couldn't figure out how to open up the door.

Just buzzer it. Wait for the buzzer. There's the weird buzzing noise. Yeah, that's when you push it. Those are take so long. I don't think anyone spends as much time making videos for Instagram. It's Kim K. I'm at the side door. Okay, I'll push you in.

The door is closed. Yeah, you gotta push it. It's locked. Yeah, wait until I buzz you. Okay, push it. Why didn't you open it? There was a weird buzzing noise. Yeah, that means open the door.

It's locked. You have to wait until I buzz you. Jesus Christ. Go. But I just got here. No, go in the door. But I can't go in the door. It's a solid.

Holy shit. No offense, but this would have been a lot funnier if I was in it. Yeah, baby. So that's what I do with my time. I'm a grown man. Yeah, you're an actual with my time. I'm a grown man. Yeah, you're an actual full grown man. I'm an old grown man. I'm a man boy.

So you really just decided to start doing these full time? It wasn't even like a brave decision or anything. I really couldn't sleep. I was having panic attacks. I think I saw my future and it was like, I'm going to be a writer and writing for people for the rest of my life. You know, you get addicted to the money and the insurance and all that.

It happens in so many comics. It happens like I, and I heard about it and I didn't see it coming. And it just, I suddenly woke up last summer. I'm like, I have to stop or I'll do this forever. There are a few friends of mine who are really,

really funny comics and they can't work because they spent so many years doing sitcoms as a writer or doing sketch shows as a writer that they don't have a following. They don't have a following in the road, but they're world-class comedians. Yeah. Do you know Owen Smith? Yeah. He's fucking hilarious.

Nobody knows who he is. I'm like, dude, you're one of the 20 best comics in the world. Yeah. And it's crazy. It doesn't make any sense. He's fucking hilarious. Nobody knows who he is. I'm like, dude, you're one of the 20 best comics in the world. Yeah. And it's crazy. It doesn't make any sense. And a super nice guy, too. He's a great guy. Ian Edwards, same shit.

I mean, more people know Ian now than before, but God. Yeah, it's a trap. It just drives me nuts. It's a fucking trap. You have only so much creative energy. Yeah. And if you're giving it to someone else, you're done. It's not just that.

You're tired all day. You're stuck in an an office and then you have to go on the road like if you want to be a comic you have to do sets multiple times a week and you got to go on the road it's just the way it is there's no way around it yeah there's no other way to do it if you get into your 50s and you're not famous you don't have a decent following like you're you're fucked you're screwed you're fucked yeah you're fucked unless you're ron white like ron white got famous in his late 40s he was living in mexico in his 40s oh really like done and then jeff foxworthy contacted him and they started doing that blue collar comedy tour boom now he's got a private jet balling out of control yeah big fat house in beverly hills Woo! Sweet. Woo!

Woo! Rodney Dangerfield, too. Yeah. Well, he quit. He was like 50. He quit doing stand-up. Was selling aluminum siding. Oh, that's right. And then came back.

But the entire time he was away, he was writing. Which is really crazy. So he came back with a fuckload of material. And also came back with a sharper style like came back more edited more precise yeah you know and that's that's where it changed i feel like i can't believe how old i got like you don't notice it if anyone's listening they're like in their 20s you know you i'm 40 i just turned 47 i'm 50 yeah. You're a little further along than me career wise. So I'm not,

I'm not as worried about you. You don't wake up with night terrors, do you? But you did, huh? Yeah, I really did. When there's certain moments like,

you know, you don't think about being old, but like, like when you put the, your date of birth in online to buy something that, that scroll, I'm scrolling forever your life going by you're born in 70 71 yeah it's a good year for cars you're the pig last good year

for cars is that true yeah what about a tesla what do you hate no no no i mean muscle cars like american muscle cars yeah like the 1960s to 1971. 1971 was essentially the last good year for cars. Yeah. We like muscle. Me and Joe are like both ripped. Both ripped to shit. But you know, those classic American cars, there was a few years where they were unbelievably

cool. And then after like 71, they fell apart. So you just, you caught it at the perfect time. That's, I mean, that's what I'm known for. Being born right at the end of muscle cars.

71 Barracuda. That was probably the last. You're a big car guy, huh? I love cars. Yeah. I do too, but I drive a Honda Civic because that's what I can afford.

Well, I had a Honda Civic once too. Yeah? Yeah. They're great. They start up every time you need them to. Well, I had a Honda Civic once too. Yeah? Yeah. They're great. They start up every time you need them to. I've had it for 15 years. They're the fucking shit, those cars. Every time you put that key in,

there's no confusion. There's no problem. There's no worry. No anticipation. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. I treat it like crap too. It doesn't matter. Those things are bulletproof. They last forever. I love Toyotas. I have a Lexus. I love those things. They never fuck up. I'm on the waiting list for the Lexus. No, I love Toyotas. I have a Lexus. I love those things. They never fuck up. I'm on the waiting list for the Lexus. No, I'm sorry.

Tesla. Oh, which one? The three? The new, the cheaper one. The three, yeah. Three. Yeah. But it's still suspiciously expensive. Do you see what's going on with Tesla and the former employee?

Some employee was sabotaging code and leaking information. And now the employee is saying that, you know, trying to say something about Elon Musk. There was waste that he was a whistleblower. He's not saying he's a saboteur. He's a whistleblower. But they were saying he's a disgruntled employee because he owed money. It's become this gigantic thing. And Elon Musk is suing this guy. guy stealing code and then giving it like selling it

no i don't know the exact specifics of it but uh he did something he did something bad i don't know we hate that guy we don't like him well that car is, it's like it's 35 grand. But if you want tires, it's 45. Oh, is it one of those deals? You can get it up to 75 grand, right? Yeah, if you want a Tesla, you know. I just need, I need money. I'm thinking of starting like a fund so I can get a Tesla. You know, people have like charity, like GoFundMe.

You should have a Patreon where you just commit to doing one of those videos every x amount of days i'm hearing about that i gotta get into the business side of things but well that's the problem is creative people rarely are business minded i'm spending like four dollars a month on just phone calls i'm not making to like at&t and stuff i need to like yeah get, my business side in order. What do you mean? You know, like you keep, you'll get a subscription to something you don't use anymore. And then you don't,

you can't figure out how to cancel it. Like, Oh, that's happening in my life. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's what they, that's what they want.

Yeah. They're good at that. I want to make it difficult for you to quit. Yeah. Like they'll go, Hey, have these vitamins. You have one month free.

And then before you get the vitamins, you have to cancel in order to stop the next month from being charged. You see what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. I'm up on my petard right now. Let's move on. Sorry. No, it's okay.

Talking about my- I get it. Yeah, so when you do these videos, how many hours do you think are involved? Like the Kanye one. The most recent one, which is fucking hilarious. Thank you. I've gotten quicker at them, but it still takes an inordinate amount of time.

Yeah, I would imagine. Probably because I get the idea and I'll write something quick, and then I'll sleep on it, and then I'll work on it a little more. Try to edit it down because you want to make it pretty tight. With online, people don't want a minute of fluff or anything. No, you've got to go quick. Yeah, and the actual process of getting them to talk, I'll take the person who talks the most, like if it's Caitlin,

and I'll film that, and I'll have the whole script written out. So as I film it, in my mouth, I'll talk the other words so the timing is kind of close enough. And then I'll send that video to myself to my airdrop it to my laptop and turn it really low and then i'll do the next character and have that playing so i can have that synced up right and i pair those and do the next person like that whoa got a lot of time in my hands yeah but i'm only 47 so so what was the thought process when you quit you just couldn't do it like you had to you had to get out yeah i i just um something was like uh panicking it just

was i think seeing my life and going i i want to at least try to be like a performer is why what i wanted to do i can't even read very well. Being a writer to me is, it's not as fun. I mean, if I didn't have the experience before, I don't think I'd feel this way. It's just, I got a taste. I had some stuff that I did that I really enjoyed. It just, I think I just saw the trappings of it. Well, some people are really good writers, and that's what they want to do.

That's all they want to do. They don't want to perform. But the problem with being a good performer is sometimes you can help other people out. Like, hey, maybe if you just tighten this up here. Maybe if you just explain this a little better, it would work better. And you start writing. The next thing you know, you're like, hey, would you work on my show? Sure.

And you're there in the office, and you've got a cork board, and you you, you start writing. The next thing you know, you're like, Hey, would you work on my show? Sure. Yeah. And you're there in the office and you're got a cork board and you're putting index cards up and you're like, Oh my God. Yeah. And then you get that check every week and you're like, Oh, that's a nice check.

Sweet. And I, I'm really thankful for those jobs and they were, they're really, um, great. And they, I can,

you know, I have a house and stuff, but, uh, yeah, this is like last power drive, I think. Really? Just fuck it?

If this doesn't work out with Instagram. I mean, just this, though. I'm really excited because now I can do little theaters. The draw directly from Instagram has enabled me to get out of clubs and stuff. So it worked. And I feel the audience. I just did shows in san francisco and it's such a difference when the audience knows what you do and who you are yeah instead of like

having to you know take them through this well you might be one of the only guys that's done it that way though through characters in little short one minute videos yeah because i really i started off with that but then there was no money in sketch really you know and so i got into stand-up because i needed to make money and so i never felt stand-up was what i did the best but now i feel like i'm getting a little better at stand-up and i'm actually enjoying it more now but the characters and impressions is when you do shows do you ever play videos do you play play videos? I did a show. I have a show at Largo that I do every couple months, and I did show videos.

It was the owner's idea, and that was really fun. It's a great idea. Yeah. Especially if you make some videos specific to the show. That's exactly. I didn't do that, but watching it, I was like, that's what I should do. Like have Trump be like, next up,

this guy's terrific. Believe me, or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have him host. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, have Caitlyn Jenner's take

on different things. Yeah, baby. And just, you know, Caitlyn's tips. Caitlyn's tips. I did a thing where she, I brought her out like in between as she's working on her one person show was just the idea I had. So like, I put that greatest love and went, had the audience surfed. It was really fun.

Yeah. I mean, you, you could do easily like some sort of a multimedia presentation type thing yeah that seems like it would be a really great idea yeah I'm trying to put together something because to do like some kind of special yeah oh fuck yeah yeah just sandwich bits in between you know like dudes do some stand-up and go you know and you know like you know i wonder i wonder what stormy daniels would do or you know just yeah you could anything i mean any weird way that you decide to yeah transition where'd you get the story daniel's voice is it sound anything like i have no idea how she talks i just thought she was like this

oh can't wait to get your cock in my mouth again. When she's calling Trump up. She actually sounds nothing like that. I'm sure. Yeah. But it doesn't matter. But she seems like she talks like this. I'm stormy.

Oh my God. There was one that you did that looked like your face. Jared Kushner? Was that it? He looks a little bit like me he's like um but all of them are face swap none of them are you i do a character craig that's like oh that guy with the glasses yeah like ma'am yeah chicken mat that's my real mom probably know that really yeah oh that's hilarious she's a good actress the first

take she didn't know what i was doing and that was like real and honest but after that like i told she knew she was like acting she's really good very good oh yeah it seems like you're annoying the shit out of your mom yeah it's very funny yeah so when you decided to do this there's no i mean unless you're a hot chick selling whatever, what do they sell? Sunglasses or some shit? Tea. Makeup.

Tea. Detox. Skinny tea. Detox tea. Skinny tea. Yeah. Unless you're, I've never made a fucking penny off of Instagram. I mean.

Neither have I. You haven't either? Well, I've actually just ticket sales I have, I guess. Right, right, right. Yeah. But yeah, I haven't monetized or I haven't been thinking about that i just kind of i feel good if people like it just makes me feel like i have some purpose or something yeah i feel like i've done something and um building if i could build an audience and come to my shows i'll be really happy about that so you were doing mostly clubs before and now

you're moving into theaters is that what's going on yeah this is all over the last few months from instagram that's incredible it is so it worked you're a success story well i mean it's working it's working yeah that's fucking great it's really exciting and thank you again i mean you're my personal santa claus dude my fucking whole family so sick of watching your videos. My wife got angry the other day. She was in the toilet. I was like, just watch.

I opened the door. I go, just watch this. Watch this one. Watch this one. Because it was the Kanye West one. I was crying. She's like, what the fuck are you laughing at? And I was like, watch this.

Just watch this. Yeah. Kanye West, my worst impression. Dude, it was great. I auto-tuned it. Shut the fuck up. It was amazing. It was amazing. When Caitlyn's like, shut the fuck up, Kim. He's a genius. Shut the fuck up. It was amazing. It was amazing.

When Caitlin's like, shut the fuck up, Kim. He's a genius. Shut the fuck up, Kim. She's a genius at work. Yeah, Kim. The other one, the other one about the baby dying in her womb. She's preggers. Yeah, I'm pregnant too.

Babies can breathe in their womb. Yeah, shoving them up my new vag Dad, do you have a womb? Oh shit, let me go crap this out She's probably dead But then they go immediately to the lipstick It's just so perfect Because like, Instagram It's almost like you have

Optimized Instagram better than anybody. You really have nailed it. You've nailed it for comedy. Because everybody else, like mine included, if you go to my Instagram, you have to fucking dig to find out I'm a comedian. And you got to go looking around. There's a lot of, you know, you can find anything there. All kinds of, I just, I take a picture.

I find a picture. I think it's cool. I put it up there. There's no rhyme or reason. Yeah. Yours is like a show. Like your Instagram picture. I think it's cool. I put it up there. There's no rhyme or reason. Yours is like a show. Your Instagram page, Kyle Dunnigan 1. You got to go to Kyle Dunnigan 1. There was a Kyle Dunnigan.

He's gotten all my Gmail accounts. He grabbed everything. Son of a bitch. And I asked my nephew, because over Christmas, I'm like, I'm just going to do Instagram videos and see what happens. And I was like, what should I do different? And he's like, you should take the one out that's stupid yeah the kids ones are yeah it's stupid why'd you go change it now though how about the real I should I don't that's the thing marketing is not my thing though I am Kyle Dunn again

that's another one that's another one people do that Kyle Dunn in comedy would have been fine that's a good one but it's a lot of words. A lot of letters. Yeah. I think Instagram is just like in my wheelhouse. I like to edit. I like to do quick stuff. No, it's perfect. But your channel, your page is like a channel.

Unlike most people's Instagram pages. Yeah, I treat it like a show. Yeah, it is like a show. It's almost like you should have a regular Instagram. Nah, you shouldn't even. You just keep doing what you're doing. You don't have as much time. I make those long-form videos now for Instagram TV.

You can go up to an hour. Oh, yeah, that's right. But I think what he's doing is perfect. Instagram TV? Yeah, it's a new thing. It just came out. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I just got a panic attack. Thinking about doing Caitlin for an hour. Yeah. 45 more minutes, everybody. got a panic attack. Thinking about doing an hour of Caitlin for an hour. 45 more minutes, everybody. Oh, shit. I just spilled coffee all over the studio. It's okay.

You're not going to be on the camera. I do it all the time. No laptops are anywhere near. I killed a bunch of laptops, man. That's another thing about Mac that pisses me off.

Guess what? Lenovo, you spill on it, nothing happens. Nothing. They make them waterproof. They make them dust resistant. They make them mil-spec. You can spill on them. You can throw a glass of water on the keyboard.

Not a goddamn thing happens. You put one on Apple, they just tell you, nope, nope you're gonna need a new one. Need a new one Don't blow on it. We need a lot more napkins. It's okay If you sneeze on it It'll it'll blow out Sons of bitches want to go grab some napkins. Hey grab a couple of those kill cliffs those lime ones I'm very uncoordinated. Dude, you're not.

I do this all the time. I'm pretty coordinated, and I fucking spill coffee in here all the time. You know, your microphones are in front of you, you start moving your hands. Yeah. I'm Italian, so I move my hands a lot when I talk. I got a lot of fucking this. Oh. I'm doing a lot of moving with my hands.

What is your background? Mostly Italian, one quarter Irish. I'm the same thing. Shut the fuck hands What is your background? Mostly Italian One quarter Irish I'm the same thing Shut the fuck up Irish Italian people are cool That's crazy man Did you do 23andMe? I did that

No but I'm doing it right now And I'm doing a bit about it Because I'm secretly hoping That someone in my past Had sex with a black person I have I'm hoping 2.7 African

Percent? Really? Nice But I think it's Northern African I'll take it I'll take it. I'll take it and I'm going to run with it. It'll open up a whole new realm of material. Yeah, right.

Just bring your 23andMe and make it giant. I'm going to start shitting on white people. It's so hard to be a white guy. That's the hardest thing to be. It's a white male. Because you have no one to blame. That's true. It's your fault. But it's also the easiest thing to be As a white male Because you have no one to blame You know It's always That's true

It's your fault But it's also the easiest thing to be Of course I'm just kidding It's both No I know you're kidding You don't have to say you're kidding You're a fucking comedian

How dare you You're still cleaning You don't have to clean anymore man I'm still cleaning Listen The thing is The more coffee that's on this table The better it looks

It's gonna smell good Yeah This thing's weathered This is a weathered table Here give me that I'll chuck that, the better it looks. It's going to smell good. Yeah, this thing's weathered. This is a weathered table. Here, give me that. I'll chuck that in the garbage. All right, thanks. This coffee has character, or this table, rather.

Character. High maintenance. No, you're fine, dude. So you've got to have some measure of satisfaction that this moment that you had. See, I love stories like that, because you had this moment where you're like, I i love stories like that because you have this moment where you're like i can't i gotta do something i can't do this anymore and then you did and it worked yeah i i'm really i'm sleeping a lot better and you know i had you know been in

this business for a long time and there's been been so many. I could talk for nine hours about the disappointments, but I still feel lucky that I was able to make a living or whatever. But there's some luck involved. I mean, it was lucky you came across it. And I mean, I've had so many. I wish I knew who told me about you. I wish I could remember. It might have been Tom. Tom.

Yeah, Tom. It probably was Tom. He was pretty. It was a comic. Pretty sure it was a comic. It might have been Tom. He was the first one to repost one of mine, I think. Maybe that's what it was.

I did this show. Oh, I won't go into it. What? I have so many disaster stories. I thought I was like, get ready for the rocket ship, Kyle. You better go mansion shopping because things are about to take off. And just always something. I did this Jamie Foxx sketch show pilot.

And to get a part on a network show, it's a lot of auditions. You climb a mountain to get the role. And I was feeling like this was my last shot and everything. And I got there and we couldn't, we weren't allowed to write for ourselves. What? Because of WGA rules or something. And you know, you have a character,

no one else can really write for it. And the people that were writing, two of them just got out of prison and they were not comedy writers. Like Jamie Foxx, he has a huge career. He didn't really, I think he just was like, let me give my friends this because I got all this other stuff going on.

He just didn't give a fuck. He didn't need it. No, he would show up like once a week. No. Yeah. Really? Yeah, he's busy. And he'd come in with glasses, like shade.

And we'd go and we'd read the script. And there'd be no ending or seemingly point. And then I remember one time he threw the script in the air. He was like, fuck the script. Do you. You do you. And he walked out. And the executives were like, no, you can't do the script.

It was like that. It was like you climb this mountain. There's an Arby's at the top. Just like you think that there's going to be. These writers called me into their office once. And they were like, you think that there's gonna be, these writers called me into their office once and they were like, yeah,

we have this idea for these guys who never wrote a sketch before and they were like, this idea, like, you're Jimmy Bond,

you know James Bond? You're Jimmy Bond, all right? And you're in an airplane, right? And like, take it, take it.

And the next guy would be like, yeah, and you order like a soda, like a Coca-Cola or a Sprite or like a, any point they're gonna go mountain dew a mountain dew or a diet coke and i'm like uh-huh and then that was it and then i i just was sitting there in dead silence like what and then we had like the show which came out very mediocre what was this

sketch show when was this sketch show? What was it called? It was called In Da Flow. It got changed to like something else. And it just became like, it was Afion Crockett's show. I was like a cast member or whatever. And then at the end, you know, Fox pays all this millions of dollars

and Afion's going, all Fox cares about is their wallets. But we showed them, not realizing we had to wait for a pickup, and I'm just standing on stage thinking this is my last shot to have anything because I was already like 40, and I just was like...

Then we go to the wrap party, and the whole thing was just... Oh, what happened at the wrap party? Me and Eric Andre is on too. Oh, okay. And so we just were like, what's happening? And we go late to the wrap party and we walk into this nice restaurant and Jamie Foxx is

standing up and there's a whole big table and he's going down, what's your favorite animal? What's your favorite animal? Everyone's like, goose. I mean a rabbit. Like everyone's just like scared. And he goes, what's your second favorite animal? What's your second favorite animal what's your second favorite animal

oh my god and everyone's just terrified what the fuck yeah and then I go and then he goes he goes

the first animal is who you think you are the second animal is who you really are I told Tom Cruise that and he said

it was awesome anyway it's Instagram yeah I have I'm gonna write a book one day just called humiliated a long career of ground balls i've had so many like where i really was going shopping for houses had to stop really like several like i had this pizza hut campaign which was like get ready to like open up several bank accounts and it was like the big new yorker pizza and you know there's an explosion of flavors as we're shooting nine this is a campaign of videos 9-11 happened as as we're

shooting the explosion and it was like it was just the wrong vibe to be like hey new york a big explosion of flavors this whole thing and so they canceled the whole thing they played like i don't know if like a month they played a few and then they like dropped it but it was like you know it was i shot four i got paid like pretty well but but we're gonna do six more it was gonna be like one of those flow from you're gonna be i was the pizza hut guy of subway yeah for pizza yeah that you were gonna be the verizon can you hear me now guy because that's what i was waiting for i don't trust that guy anymore no i don't he switched over where's he at now sprint that's not cool yeah i don't hear you as well my my mother walked into a pizza hut

once while this campaign was happening, and she just pointed at me. She goes, my son's pizza hut. And I had to tell him, I'm actually not pizza hut. Anyway, so I feel lucky, but uh but you found the thing like look dude your fucking videos make me howl they're really really funny like that's you you for whatever it is the way your mind works it works best for these face swap videos which which is fucked up man because it didn't exist yeah so like when?

Was it like two years? How long ago? How many years ago? Three years ago? I remember the first person I ever saw use it was Chris D'Elia. D'Elia was, he did some video where he was Rick from The Walking Dead. Yeah. And he put it on his Instagram page.

I was like, wow. I'm like, obviously I can tell something's going on. But that's amazing how close that is. Yeah, I was excited right away because I knew the impressions that I do, I don't look like most of them. Dude, your Trump is fucking phenomenal. And when you do it with that wacky face, the one face that you picked for the face swap is so perfect. Yeah. Because it looks like he's out of control. It looks like he's like, oh, Jesus. Good God, what's happening here?

It's fucking amazing, man. What are four years up? It's amazing. Did you see what's going on today? Tom Arnold, who hates Trump, has a new show on Vice where he's just running around trying to find incriminating video and audio on Trump. The whole show is him on a quest to find incriminating and humiliating video and audio on Trump. And he was with Michael Cohen today.

What? Yes. How could he? Michael Cohen is apparently going to work with Tom Arnold on this show. Is the FBI okay with that? I have no idea. They were together in this photo. I mean, Tom Arnold could be just bullshitting.

Yeah. Well, I'm T-voing that. Yeah. That's coming out. T-voing. You're still T-voing. I'm an old man. Who T-voes anymore?

Why don't you just get out the VCR? Do you know how to work the clock? I know. I had things come out of my mouth where it shows my age. What is this, Jamie? Is this it? This is a video on his Twitter. This is the Miss Universe tape.

There's another tape. We're talking about 16-year-old girls in their underwear here, okay? The N-word tape? Celebrity apprentice. Then Trump denies any involvement with prostitutes. Don't worry. Tom Arnold is on it. And I'm Tom Arnold.

The hunt for the Trump tapes with Tom Arnold is on it. And I'm Tom Arnold. The Hunt for the Trump Tapes with Tom Arnold. I mean, no one's going to care no matter what he, it's not going to have an effect probably. Yeah, listen, fuck John Gotti. Trump is a Teflon Don. You see that movie they're saying they scammed Rotten Tomatoes with that movie? It's supposed to be the greatest bad movie of all time. Well, it got a zero from critics and an 80 from the audience.

And like 90% was from like their company or some fake things. Look at that. This is his correction on the Michael Cohen thing. When was that taken? Oh, is it a correction? Some sort of correction. He didn't say me and him were teaming up to take down Donald Trump. Michael has enough Trump on his plate.

I'm the crazy person who said me and Michael Cohen were teaming up to take down Trump Trump. Michael has enough Trump on his plate. I'm the crazy person who said me and Michael Cohen were teaming up to take down Trump, of course. I meant it. Michael doesn't get paid by Vice. Okay. Thank you, Tom, for correcting the record. Okay. Thanks, Tom.

Thanks for clearing that up, Tom. If I was Tom Arnold, I'd be nervous as fuck. Why? I don't want to get killed. Oh. No. Impossible? Impossible.

You think? You can't kill Tom Arnold. What if Putin did it for a favor? Putin might be able to do it. Put some poison in him. What if he just decides, I don't like what you're doing with Trump. I don't like what you've done. This is not a good Russian accent.

Would you consider doing a Putin on your page? Ooh, I will. Yes, that's a good idea. It's a great idea. What is the Russian accent? Is this Russian accent? Is this good? It's not bad.

Just listen to him talk a few times, and you'd get it. I'm Putin. Is this good? And then have a bunch of really harsh Russian prostitutes with water flying all over the place, squirting. Oh, yeah. Piss all over me, you whore. All right. See you next week.

Yeah. I mean, that's not a bad idea for a sketch. Is there a pee tape or is that a rumor? Do we not know? I don't know. I don't think it's supposed to be real. I think it's supposed to be fake. It sounds fake.

It just sounds like something someone would just make up, like not even well planned out. What percentage of people like to be peed on? It's got to be below 1%. That's still a lot. It's 300 million people. That means 3 million people like to get peed on it's got to be below one percent that's still a lot there's 300 million people that means three million people like to get peed on that's just in this country alone that's a lot of cleanup you know what i mean i don't even think it's one percent but even if it's one tenth of one percent it's 300 000 people like i love a chocolate sundae but if you smeared

it all over the place and after i had to clean it up, I'd probably be like, Yeah, I'm not into that. What are you into? What's the freakiest thing you're into? I'm surprisingly tame. I'm not into anything freaky. I've never even done, like, whipped cream or anything. Hot chocolate. What about when a girl

asks you to, like, choke her a little? How do you feel about that? That's a scary request. i'm not into that i'm not um i had a girl that i used to date who uh wanted me to rape her she told me to rape her that's that's tough and problem was she was fucking hot and i was like i do not want to get interested in doing this like the the worst thing would be. You really liked it. Yeah, because I was in my 20s. What if I just had a connection?

I got into like only girls that want you to like force them to do shit. That's very true. When you were young and you're forming your sexuality, whatever you first got your, like when I first danced with a girl and i noticed her hips were wide i i got like a boner it was like an eighth grade because it was like this is she's different and it linked and for years till i was like in my early 30s i could not dance with a girl without getting hard on i was at a wedding once and i asked this girl to dance. Like I never do this, but she was like alone and she was hot.

And I get on the dance floor. My mother's there and I got like a boner and I don't know this girl at all. And I had to tell her, cause you know, you know, like your wedding pants are not keeping things at bay. And so full pitched. And I, she probably already knew. So I was like, I'm sorry. Can you help me off the floor?

And I had to. How humiliating is this? I had to ask this girl to shimmer me off the floor away from my mother. Did she think it was funny? Yeah. She had a good, luckily, good sense of humor about it. But it was humiliating. Well, I shouldn't say she should be flattered.

But a girl with a good sense of humor would be flattered. She invited me to her Halloween party after that, which is a good sign. But that went bad. I got all dressed up as the universe. Like I really worked. Yeah, I had like a whole black outfit. I glued like planets to my body with Velcro. Yeah.

Grown man. And then I go to her house on time which I didn't realize you don't go to parties on time I just got into LA and then I went and I went to hug her I knocked over the skeleton

on the wall and then her dog ran up and like bit Venus off my leg and took off and now I'm just in the room and no one's dressed up

people are coming and they're like have a bandana it's like I'm a pirate no one's really dressed up except for me so I was a pariah and then no one talked to me except but the at the end this guy because all our friends were like frat guys he goes can i ask you a question and i was like yeah

like oh someone's talking to me he goes you a faggot no yeah no really yeah i was like no i mean this all started with me getting a boner with this girl. But anyway, I got to go. Jesus Christ. What a dick. Yeah, he was kind of a dick. Was he a dick before that? Yeah, they were all kind of like. Jockey.

Jockey, and they were drunk. And I think I seemed like a target because I had the universe on my body. Seemed like an easy target. Yeah, but that's a severe weakness unless you were doing something i mean they why wouldn't they think that was funny like what are you doing man what's with the outfit and then you start talking you start laughing everybody has a good time yeah we would have a good time yeah he went right are you a faggot yeah yeah you know that's funny though the boner thing yeah because there was a girl that I dated

When I was in high school And she was into rubbing her feet on me And I had a foot thing For a long time afterwards Because of it Where was she rubbing her feet on you? My back, my back son I figured that

I meant like, were you at your house, were you at school? Yeah, whatever, she would just rub her feet on my legs And put her feet on, were you at your house? Were you at school? Yeah, whatever. She would just rub her feet on my legs and put her feet on my dick. Is that your girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. I used to go to this math class, 1030. Ugly teacher, but her smell, boner every time.

And I knew. I was like, oh, I got to go get a boner in this class. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. But that is a real thing about like getting connected to like a particular like thing. Like whether it's choking someone or any of that.

The girl wanted me to rape her also would grab my hand and put it on the back of her head. Like get me to force her head down. She was crazy. She was just really into it. But it took a while for her to warm up. It's almost like when we first started fooling around, she was like, hmm, when do I tell

this motherfucker what I like? Yeah. Not yet. Not yet. She wasn't into it. Not yet. The beginning was normal. And then one day she wanted to wrestle.

Okay. Yeah. She's like, I want to wrestle you. The gateway drug. I was like, what? She's like, I want to wrestle you. I bet I'll kick your ass. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Like, what are you doing? And then you just beat her up. It was so weird. You lost immediately. I didn't beat her up, but I was trying to figure out what we're doing while we're doing it. And she turned it sexual. Oh, yeah. She got into it.

Yeah, I think like Louis C.K., I remember his show, one of the first episodes, he had a show where an older girl asked him to jerk off in front of her. And I was always like, I bet that actually happened. And that got linked up. You can't really decide what links up your sexuality and what it is that turns you on. It could have. I have no information, but that's my guess. People are into weird shit, man.

They're into weird shit. I think the weirdest is the smelling the shoes. Oh! Marla Maples, Trump's ex, put a camera in her bedroom, in her closet, because she kept one shoe. And it was some friend would come in, they caught him just like, just coming in and stealing, sniffing her shoes. Jesus Christ.

How does that get linked up? Ugh. Anyway. Yeah, there's a lot of that stuff, right? Like stealing underwear, stealing shoes. Guys are weird. The thing is, men get picked on because we're pervs, and that's true. But if we weren't pervs, this species wouldn't be here.

Let me tell you why. Because we were down to like 70,000 people. If we didn't have this super perv gene to go through the snow get some pussy i think it's less than 70 000 people they were saying that after one of the super volcanoes it might have gotten down to just a few thousand yeah well there's a there's a definite what is it sumatra is that where it was indonesia some some super volcano 70,000 years ago killed off almost everybody. Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah, we got down to an extremely low number.

I think they estimate it's somewhere between like two and maybe like 10,000 people. Yeah, you need people who like to fuck a lot, that are real pervy to jump that up. Well, you know, Brett Weinstein, who is a, he was a professor. Excuse you. Sorry. I don't know what's going on with me. I smoked weed before the show. I'm not going to lie to you people.

He was explaining with his wife, who's also a biologist, that there's two different things that men are attracted to they're attracted to a beautiful woman but they're attracted to a hot woman like a hot woman doesn't necessarily have to be beautiful but what she does is offer an opportunity for like very quick sex like you could just have sex with her you don't have to court her like a girl with a short skirt and her tits are popping out and she's wearing a lot of makeup that what that signals is that there's an opportunity for you to spread your genes and you have no responsibility you wouldn't have to take care of it you wouldn't have to you wouldn't have to spend a lot of time with her court her that she was she's the type of person that allows you to just fuck her you can move on and spread your genes elsewhere that makes sense

yeah that there's a like an evolutionary reason for that being a stimulating thing for men like for men like this idea of like these loose women like loose women are very attracted very attractive to us for that reason it's not just that like oh yeah if i can get some not deal with all these bitches in their pot no it's literally an evolutionary trait that we have adapted to the disease thing knocks it back a little bit for me yeah I'll go like oh that might be a disease there I have an anecdote

anecdote and antidote for because I I don't feel like there's any woman who could no matter how hot like come and and and uh take me away or like force me to like, what am I trying to say? I don't know.

Seduce me. What? Here it is. You don't think a woman could seduce you? No. If I don't want her to, I have an anecdote. Antidote.

Antidote. I have an antidote. Okay. And it's, I've been developing it over years and people can, listening can take this. If you like,

let's say you fell for somebody and she didn't like like and she dumped you and you're still pining over her right you put her you first you like think about like the blood moving through her body and her and her skeleton and you put her on the toilet you think about like she's making bio i know it's gross but that's you think about her as this animal and you think about her on the toilet and you whenever she pops up think about her on the toilet, and whenever she pops up, you put her on the toilet. You're welcome. That doesn't work with me.

It will. I won't care. No? No. No, if I think she's hot. What if she's really struggling on the toilet? I struggle on the toilet. I'm not judgmental.

I eat a lot, man. I take some horrific shits. But think about The Bachelorette or something. They're fantasized. A lot of times early on there's this fantasy. And you're married. Yes. So there's intimacy and you get past all that. But that early on fantasy, feeling in the blanks as a perfect person, you usually leave that out.

It never bothered me. I don't give a fuck about periods what about thinking about their skeleton anything does that kind of go oh yeah skeleton yeah if you just imagine there's a skeleton underneath this woman that i'm like pining over she's just like all right maybe this doesn't work it doesn't work on me it works for me i'm telling you man if I think someone's hot I think they're hot

I don't care if they just took a diarrhea shit how about this I imagine they have bad breath I'll be like I bet she has bad breath I tell her oh you're Aussie

I just say listen I'd say something really nice you're super hot and I'm gonna tell you something compliment sandwich you start with a nice thing and then then you go out against yourself. You go, sometimes I get bad breath, because I'm a person.

Everybody gets bad breath. But when I get bad breath, I want someone to tell me. Absolutely. I do not want to be wandering around grossing everybody out. And they're like, hey, hey, good to talk to you, Joe. As soon as they turn their head. Yeah. Tell me.

I don't know. I'll take a Listerine strip, i'll chew gum or whatever the fuck some people go ahead so i would tell her but some people have an a like here's an example i was with this girl and i could not take the breath couldn't take it that bad and then i said hey let's brush our teeth it was it was either it was either you gotta go I can't do this Or I've gotta figure out how to brush our teeth So I thought I made a fun game So she brushed her teeth

Reluctantly Oh my god, reluctantly? She's like, I hate brushing my teeth Clearly But it didn't fix it at all It was coming from her gut You know what that happens With a lot of girls who are bulimic or even even anorexic they they gird they regurgitate

your body's all fucked up yeah your body's like super confused yeah i used to date a girl puked i didn't know it until like like deep into the relationship yeah they did it a couple months and then i found out she was saying like if she eats too much she'll force herself to throw up and I was like what it's easy to hide oh yeah that is I know I mean I knew it existed but I didn't know anybody who had it and that's a disturbing thing like you ate you're hungry so you eat and you're like what have I done yeah yeah shove things in your mouth and force it to come up again like oh, oh, God. Did you guys talk about it or did that sort of end the relationship and you moved away? No, no, no.

She brought it up. And I said, this was the fucked up thing was she wasn't in any way overweight. Like, she was beautiful. She had a great body. It was just like a weird, she was an actress. she just it was just like a weird she was an actress you know and i think that that the pressure of that gig is just so crazy yeah it's just first of all you take someone who most of the time the reason why we want to become an actor is because they didn't get enough attention that's a lot of what causes it especially if you have like this weird sort of non-specific desire for fame.

It's not like you, you're a really good character actress, you know, you're a fade done away or something like that. You just really good. You love the craft of creating a character. No, there's a lot of them that just want to be famous.

And why, why is that? It's usually there's something fucked up from childhood. Usually somebody wasn't paying attention to them parents split up something went wrong right yeah so you take this person that's super insecure and has this exorbitant need for attention and then you put them through this audition process the audition process is the craziest thing ever it devastates people's self-esteem because you just get rejected all the time Rejected all the time Yeah you're not selling a t-shirt that no one wants

You're selling yourself Dude I used to date this girl When I first moved to LA And when she would go on auditions If she would get rejected She would want to fuck like a wild animal It's like she wanted something To just like

She wanted to just fucking scream too she wanted she was it was like the stress of it all was so crazy she wanted validation she wanted to blow off steam yeah it was just the the stress of it all it's so unhealthy and the people that go into that are some of the most the least most, the least, it's the least advisable career path for them. Yeah. To be healthy. Yeah.

It attracts the wrong people. Yeah. It's just a fucked up situation. You have these people judging you. Like, come on in, Kyle. Yeah,

I can't. Tell me, tell us about yourself. I have a lot of trouble auditioning. Tell me what your favorite animal is. Yeah. What's your second favorite? That's who you are. I told that Tom Cruise. You're a lot of trouble auditioning. Tell me what your favorite animal is. What's your second favorite? That's who you are.

You're a goat. You told Tom Cruise he loved it? Oh, cool. That's great. Wow, Tom Cruise. I went on an audition once and this girl told me, she asked me where I was from and I said I was from New Jersey. She goes, I'm from New York. She goes, well, I'm actually from New Jersey, but I don't tell people that. I go from New York she goes well I'm actually from

New Jersey but I don't tell people that I go why she goes well it's cool to say you're from New York I go that's ridiculous that doesn't make any sense at all I go why would you lie I go and then you just told me and she goes are you ready to audition

I'm like okay so she's like giving me like this sour look. And I had to sing. Wait, the auditioner told you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she had this sour look on her face. And I had to sing a line from a Bruce Springsteen song to her in the audition. It was so humiliating.

What were you auditioning for? To be in his band? Some terrible movie. Some terrible movie. It was a scene in the movie where there's a guy and a girl and, you know, I'm telling the girl how much I love her and I'm singing like fucking Born to Run or something like that.

I don't even remember. I think everyone would love to hear a little bit right now. The day we walked down the street of a runaway American dream. I don't remember. I don't even remember what song it was. And you didn't get it? No, no, no. not only did I not get it but

this is very very important moment for me I left and I that's when I realized I was like this whole process

for me at least is broken like I'm not good at this yeah this is not I'm not good at pretending to be someone

like everybody who goes in there they they go into these auditions and there was these people who were like, air quotes, working actors, right? They do a little, you know, I was on Just Shoot Me for a scene. You know, I had a nice episode on this. You know those people, they're like hopping around. Those people, they develop this real slick way of talking.

And they don't say nice to meet you because they might already met you so they say good to see you good to see you Kyle I good to see you actually oh it's cuz I keep remembering you know Dunbar's number you know a certain number of people you can keep in your head but this this this way of doing I was recognizing it the way they would talk everyone was like super left-wing super progressive No one explored ideas. You just adopted whatever everybody else was going with and ran with oh, yes I agree Hillary is so much more qualified every people just people just say shit like that

It was just it was really strange. They were like real obvious Democrat lean they weren't thinking it through. They just adopted this mindset. And they were just sneaking their way through this system. They were like exploiting little personality holes in the system. And they would become friends with casting agents. And one of the casting agents was a woman. I knew this one casting agent who was friends with a friend of mine. And she was kind of gross.

I'm just being nice. I'm being kind by saying kind of and uh she fucked all these actor guys and she would oh i want to know who this is i can't tell you she she she's a nice lady she just looked she's she was basically doing what a lot she was doing the casting couch in reverse right but she was like aggressive sexually aggressive with guys yeah and one of my friends she's super sexually aggressive with one of my friends. Is it Henrietta Weinstein? I can't tell you.

Well, she was casting quite a few different shows. Yeah. And she knew how to get these exploit people, these guys that were saying, good to see you. Those guys, she would fuck those guys. Yeah. Because that was the way they could play it. You know, that's the way they get closer.

She's like, is it good to see this? Yeah. I wonder how her seduction went. I don't know what it was. It's brutal, though. Auditioning is- It's horrible. I'm terrible.

I booked one. I've gotten like sketch shows, but I've only booked one show where it was like a script it was a sitcom I booked like a guest starring thing and I went in

and I'm a terrible reader and for the read through they do a read through with the network like I don't know a couple days before they shoot

and they gave me like oh you have eight new lines whatever and I can I read like a third grader I'm a very poor so I the big table read through and i stammered through the whole thing i got fired so the only show i booked really off a typical

audition reading a script i was fired from jesus christ i mean so many wasted hours memorizing paying acting coaches none of it worked out for me why because i get really nervous i feel very judged i feel very uncomfortable i'm a terrible reader so i end up like having to memorize it and then most of my time is like trying to remember it's just basically i get too nervous yeah did you ever try to like see a hypnotist or anything like that or come up with? No, but that probably would have been a good idea

because it was a mental. Yeah. Like shut down. Like, you know, some people just react. You can't help how you react, but it's like,

if you can imagine, if you're afraid of bees, for example, it's like go in an audition with a bunch of bees flying around you. Your body's reacting in like a fear way. Right.

It's really hard to grab your facilities to act or whatever you're doing. It's impossible. Yeah. Yeah, no, I get it. I mean, especially if you think like, this, God, this could be it. This is the big moment.

Always. It's like one of the worst ways for you to behave or to perform rather in something that's like really important especially with an acting situation where you're supposed to pretend to be in love or to pretend to be you know happy and whatever the fuck it is like you're all you're thinking is don't fuck this up don't don't fuck this up and that's like the overlying mantra to all your thoughts doing it do this correct is not the great mindset where you're going to do a good performance i like um uh i just fell out of my head whatever i was about

to say was going to be hilarious it was the best part of the show oh it's going to be great yeah it's the but this is one of the reasons why so many people are so crazy out here it's they come here crazy and then the system gets them crazier and then you also realize that unless you're doing something like what you're doing or you're just doing your own thing on instagram someone has to pick you to work you have to get picked which is just nuts like as comics all we have to do is just go to an open mic night practice you know, come up with some jokes, do well, you come back, do well, you come back, you just keep grinding. A couple years down the road, you're starting to get a gig here and a gig there.

Yeah, I'm opening up for this guy. And yeah, I got a gig emceeing at this place. And then a couple years after that, I'm middling. And then a couple years, like there's an actual thing you can do. If you're good, you can make a living. I can't imagine just being an actor. Forget it. They go crazy, dude. I have friends that are just

actors. They go crazy. They all go crazy. By the time they're in their 40s, they're out of their fucking mind. And women, oh, they feel like they have this little tiny ass hourglass and it's just running out of sand every day. Yeah.

And like you said, it's, you know, a lot of times you're not starting with the most secure people. No, almost never. Almost never. I got on stage because I was in so much pain. Like I literally like was pushed. I was in college. I had like no friends. I'm really painting a pretty picture of myself today.

But I wanted attention. That really was the first impulse. Yeah. Yeah. But sometimes that leads to the funniest shit and the funniest people. There's that pressure one way that throws you in another direction. That bad feeling when you're just trying to escape that bad feeling, the energy and the another direction. That bad feeling, when you're just trying to escape that bad feeling,

the energy and the desire to escape that bad feeling is so intense that it creates a good feeling. And after a while, though, it flips, too. Like, now I, you know, sometimes I don't want to be looked at. You know, I think if I got into a bad spot, I'd want to go on stage again, but sometimes, do you ever feel like that? that like you just don't feel like being like looked at you don't feel like

like that's not what happens with you sometimes i don't feel like going on stage yeah no definitely yeah i i one of the things that i've been doing lately is for a long time i never i hardly took any time off but after i did my special i just filmed a special in april i took a month off i didn't do any stand up for a month yeah at least like three weeks right like three maybe it might have been four weeks but i was like i'm not doing shit yeah i went I went to Hawaii. I fucking hung out. I did podcasts. I didn't do any stand-up. And it felt great.

It felt great that I would leave here and I'd be done. Yeah. I wouldn't have another gig to go to at night. Yeah. You know, there wasn't this, like, overwhelming thing looming in the background. Yeah. But after a while, you know, I realized, all right, gotta get back on the horse. Yeah.

I'm enjoying more now. Go ahead. What's that? What were you saying? I interrupted you. You were gonna join more now? What? He's like,

what? I, I'm enjoying standup now. Like, cause I feel like this Instagram gave me a little confidence to bring that into my standup. Cause before,

I, I just kind of was, I I think scared trying to do what people said and there was this thing where like you got to make it a sitcom you got to be talk about your family I had managers who were like don't do the guitar don't do this do talk about your family and get oh they were trying to get you to make something that could be turned into a sitcom yeah so they could take it away from you once your ex-girlfriend says you're a shitty boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like today. Yeah.

It's a new thing. That's what they're doing now. That's the new thing. That's the new thing. Yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of that. There was a lot of they were trying to get people to basically put together an audition for a sitcom. Your act is essentially like Tim Allen or Roseanne

or whoever it was, Brett Butler. They put you, you know. And some people have the confidence not to listen. I remember Zach Galifianakis was one of the guys who like didn't want to be on a sitcom. And I was like, I didn't believe him because I'm like, that's what we all have. That's what we're all doing, right?

But he had like a sense of himself. I got like out into the world without really having confidence in myself, like to make a decision to do something. I really felt like I needed someone to tell me that. There's this experiment. I'm going to explain myself real quick. Where they did this in the 70s. They'd rattle a rattle in front of a baby. And the mom would do this and the baby would like it.

And they'd have them keep rattling it. And the baby would start to push it away. They'd have them keep rattling rattling it and the baby would start to push it away they have them keep rattling it and the baby would start crying all babies go through this exact thing then after the crying they have them keep rattling it which is like something they would never do now at the last phase the baby is numb out and start drooling jesus and that's how i live came into the world but i feel like i'm waking up now a little bit. That's fucking dark that they did that to a baby.

Only in the 70s would they do that experiment. How many people did they fuck up in the 70s? I know, the brown-eyed, blue-eyed experiment. Remember that? This, they told a classroom of kids, blue-eyed people are smarter and better. Brown-eyed people are to kids. What? So then, blue-eyed people are smarter and better. Brown-eyed people are to kids. What?

So then the blue-eyed people started, you know, doing better work, behaving better. The brown-eyed kids started misbehaving. Then they switched it. They're like, we were wrong. The brown-eyed kids are the ones who are smarter and better. And the whole thing switched. So did they do it as a psychological experiment? Yeah, just to see like- Just to fuck with kids?

Just to really fuck them up. Well, yeah. If you tell kids that they're shit, they feel like feel like they're shit yeah you don't really need to do that experiment yeah don't do that yeah they do the opposite of that i know that yeah we're talking now about like the effects on kids with the trump thing and the border it's uh so dark it's so what what the fuck was Melania wearing? That jacket that says, I don't care, do you? Do you think I care?

What does it say? I don't care, do you think I do? Or some shit? I don't care, do you? Is that what it is? What in the fuck is going on in that house? I think she's losing her marbles. First of all, do you think she had any idea when she married

that billionaire dude in 2005 she thought she was just getting hooked up yeah she's like look i'm gonna have a kid with this guy it's gonna be great i don't have to work anymore yeah all these fucking nude modeling gigs that i was doing and you know learn how to speak a little bit of english whatever yeah you know go shopping all the time fuck yeah i'm in bad and be good boy don't be a bad boy yeah boom i'm in and then 10 years later she's the fucking vice i mean she's the first lady president basically well she's more popular than the vice president oh yeah fuck knows who pence is yeah i don't know a goddamn thing about that guy he scares me a little bit well he might be the president one day there's a lot of jesus stuff going on a lot of jesus a lot more than ever pence sessions huckabee a lot of jesus yeah

chris pratt's being praised because he said people should pray which is a legitimate thing to say i mean like just whatever prayer is mindfulness meditation feeling good you know just being thankful you know you don't have to attach it necessarily to any ideology or religion it's still a good idea to think that way but people are going yes we got a christian as an actor the guy from fucking guardians of the galaxy is one of us whoa and like the idea that no atheist can be president. No atheists. And no single guys. Yeah. Better have a family, bitch.

Otherwise, what are you going to do? You're going to fuck everybody and launch bombs just to see what happens? That's exactly what would happen. That is what would happen. I mean, do you think that it's possible to have a single guy or gal as a president? I do not. I do think that it's possible to have a single guy or gal as a president? I do not.

I do not think it's possible. It's got a stigma. People would get weirded out by you. How old are you? You're 49. You don't even have any kids, you fucking weirdo. You don't have a wife. Even a guy who's married with no kids, I think people would be like, he's not like us.

Because you could be married with kids and I could be single and I don't feel weirded by you. I don't feel like this fucking weirdo. What's he doing? I'm married with kids. Cause that's a normal path, but it's not a normal path

to be like a 55 year old guy with no wife, no kids, never been married. Yeah. No desire to. Because, like, when you're, it seems like you're more stable if you have a whole family. Oh, for sure.

But you have something, you have some skin in the game. You know, you care about your kids. That's true, too. You don't want to, like, blow up the world. It's like that Sting song, if the Russians love their children, too. You know, we want. Can we hear a bit of that, Joe? No, let's not. I'll sing it for this audition

but then i'll walk out of here humiliated i i auditioned for snoopy on broadway you want to talk about humiliating i don't have a good voice but they wanted a comedian or something so i somehow got this audition the song was like sup sup supper time sup sup supper literally i went my friend john, John Bush, comedian. No, really funny guy. He went in before me and I walked in. I know his name.

Felt like a bomb went off and I walked out in a huff. I'm like, well, what happened? He was like, nah. And I went in there

and they were just dead silent and I did like a whole dance like sup, sup, supper time to people just staring at me and I left and I was like,

what happened in there? He goes, I thought a guy said that my audition was cute and I was going to leave but then I walked back in and I tapped on his I was like, what happened in there? He goes, oh, the guy said that my audition was cute and I was going to leave. But then I walked back in. I tapped on his table and I said,

you know what? You're an asshole. And then he left. And then I walked in. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like, hi. You're an asshole because you said it was cute?

Yeah. Why is everybody so defensive? Well, yeah. You're supposed to be Snoopy, bro. Yeah. Snoopy's not mad. Is this Bush character, is he always like that he's he's hilarious yeah like he just doesn't like doesn't give a fuck he lives in iowa now iowa yeah what's he doing there he's got a nice little life got a family

and a house that's like corporate stuff mostly now oh it's corporate gigs yeah that's weird that's a weird world that world of corporate gigs where the guys they give up mainstream but they can do those corporate gigs that pay really well yeah but nobody knows about them nobody knows they're alive yeah they just they just do these corporate gigs yeah and you can make some money doing that but they're like a lot of times like they're in the afternoon people are eating food oh And then you're staying at some Best Western somewhere. Kansas City,

staring at the wall. What they do to comedians, they go, we'll get a comedian. When the environment, I'm sure you've had gigs like that where you're just at a place, like why did they think

that's what's good for a comedian to come here? Terrible. You've done colleges, right? Oh, yeah. The kids run it. They're like these 17-year-old kids. I went to one and they had, right? Oh, yeah. The kids run it. They're like these seven-year-old kids.

I went to one and they had a poster of me but they didn't put the date or the time on it. Guess how many people showed up? A million. A million people.

That's amazing. It's great. How'd you do? I did fantastic. I asked if I, one time I was at Amherst. Oh no. It was a giant field.

There was one guy in a red hooded sweatshirt in the center of the field sitting Indian style. And I said, I don't, I don't, we don't have to do this, right? And she goes, no, just go out there. People hear you. We'll start coming out. Oh my God. One guy. One guy.

Amherst is a tricky place. That's the People's Republic of Amherst. It's like if you took Boulder and you moved it to Western Massachusetts, that's Amherst. Super, super, super progressive and liberal. I did not know that. Well, they don't like comedy. That's for sure. We'll be right back.

It's too bad most people don't know that impression nobody knows if i was just dead not anymore that's johnny carson yeah back in the day that is you know i think of when i think of johnny carson's a fucked up thing to think of but he died smoking like some ungodly amount of paul mauls he just kept pumping on these paul mauls just smoked him constantly and his gut had become distended like he was pregnant and it was just he was just rotten with cancer like his whole body was just fucked up yeah and apparently like when he died like as he was as he was dying he's like last days he's like these goddamn cigarettes oh yeah I did hear that and cigarettes it's all I

think of when I think of Johnny Carson. I think of him poisoning himself with these things that he can't keep from his face. He just can't. He's got to keep doing it and his body is rotting and he goes from being

like America's favorite all-time talk show host. He was the fucking man. Yeah. I mean, he was the man. Yeah. He goes from that to just quitting. Just stopping.

Just stopping doing it. And then it becomes this weird thing. He becomes this weird guy. Recluse. Recluse. Yeah. What happens there? How does one go from being the Tonight Show host to just being a recluse?

Yeah. He never tried to do anything else, right? No. I like what Letterman's doing. He never tried to do anything else, right? No. I like what Letterman's doing. He's doing those things on Netflix now. I haven't seen them. I haven't either, but I like that he's doing them. Yeah.

I'm worried about him. I worried he would be one of those guys, you know, because he kind of vanished. Yeah. Grew his crazy beard. I'm going to do that. Crazy beard? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Man, that's cool with you guys. Do you think these guys, they just get to the point where they're like, I can't to do that. Crazy beard? Yeah. Yeah? Okay. Man, that's cool with you guys. Do you think these guys, they just get to the point where they're like, I can't do this anymore. There's just too much people, too much pressure, too much everything. It's a lot of pressure. Every day to do a show takes a certain personality. It's a different kind of thing, right? Exhausting, I'm sure.

And you're doing stand-up that's never been tried. No. And it can't be great. It's terrible. It takes a long time to get an act together. Yeah. That's really good. So did you hear what happened today in the news?

Today? That was good about Carson. He would make kind of fun out about how bad he was doing. Yes. Yes. Well, Jay Leno was the best at it, I really feel. And that's why they extended his monologue. Right.

He wasn't good he was a workhorse so every sunday you go to the hermosa beach club yeah i did i was on that show and uh i filmed something and he brought me into the office and uh he didn't want to air it and he goes i just i don't want to get any letters because like i did that Craig character and he just felt it was too like um retarded or something yeah he played it safe he played it safe when people swung at him he never swung back

yeah just roll with the punches yeah would you do a talk show no I'm doing one right now with Kyle Dunnigan he's my guest Kyle Dunnigan ladies and gentlemen Kyle Dunnigan won on with Kyle Dunnigan. He's my guest. Kyle Dunnigan, ladies and gentlemen. Kyle Dunnigan 1 on Instagram. Kyle Dunnigan 1, the worst name on Instagram. Why would I do that?

It doesn't seem like a good way to talk to people. It doesn't seem like it's fun. It seems like it's too much pressure. It seems like there's too many people. It seems like the conversations become fake because you have five minutes until you cut to commercial and they come over with cards and the executive wants to talk to you and the producers want to get in your ear. And we just feel like it just needs a little levity.

You just need a little levity. So we're going to bring the jester out. Oh, I'm tired of the jester. I don't like the jester. And then the jester comes out with his little, and everybody goes, the jester's here. And the fucking crowd starts clapping. The audience, they get that sign that says cheer, applause, applause. I've seen too many of them.

I just, I think it's a dead medium. I don't like it. I'm not recommending it. I mean, you have it. People should see it. You should have studio tours. Joe's got the pool table here. You have to put the VR on.

We got the VR goggles now. We got HTC Vive. I don't know what that is. VR goggles. Virtual reality. Oh, I could have figured that out if I tried. You put on these goggles and you box people. Oh, yeah.

You have this big dude in front of you throwing punches. And when it hits you, the screen goes white. Oh, really? You get popped. Yeah, it's great. It's fun. There's a bunch of them. There's archery games.

There's one with a lightsaber where things come at you. You got to slice them. They're flying through the air. And when you're chopping them up. That's cool. And you're doing it to music. It's fucking amazing. And deprivation tank you got here.

I do. I have that too. Joe, you want to tell them how we did on pool today? We did really good. It was a fun game. How many balls did I get in two games that we played? You made one ball. I did get, yeah, I got one in.

You made one. Got it in. That's not bad. It went right where you wanted it to go. You aimed, you shot, you fired, it went in. That was really emasculating, those two games. It shouldn't be. Two things.

One, that table, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to freak you out. It's crooked. No, very tiny pockets. The pockets are much smaller than a normal table a normal table has five and a half inch pockets that table has four inch pockets they're actually slightly under four yeah so they're really small so it's hard to get a ball in okay and i play on it every day it wasn't hard for you to get the ball i just want to say that i told you i play on it every day. It wasn't hard for you to get the ball. I just want to say that. I told you I play on it every day. I really do. Every day after we're done, that's how I unwind. We do the podcast. It's over, and I go knock some balls around.

Is that your best game? Pool? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not good at any games. That's the only game I'm good at. Really? Yeah, I'm terrible at video games. I can play Quake.

I'm pretty good at Quake. Okay. And archery you're good at? I'm good at archery, but that's not a game, man. Not a game to me, man. Serious, bro. Yeah. Archery is very different than all of them because archery is like, it's very much like a meditation. It requires so much concentration and so many things have to be in line that as you're thinking of all those different things, it cleans your mind in some weird way. Very meditative. You ever read Zen and the Art of Archery? No.

Really good book. Interesting book. It's funny because my friend John Dudley read it and recommended it to me. And he's like, and he's a world-class archer. Like he just got back from Europe where they flew him out to coach various international teams. He's like a real world-class coach and archer himself. And he said, he's like, it's interesting. He's like, this book is really good, but I have a feeling that the guy who wrote it wasn't really that good at archery.

I'm like, oh, that's fascinating. It's like the guy, he goes, I feel like he was kind of there, but not quite. And I'm like, that's interesting coming from a guy who's a real master. Like he recognizes some, some errors in his thinking or the way he describes things or his approach. Really interesting. By the way, you never have to ask me again, did you read that book? I did not read any books. I haven't read a book in a long time. Thank God. Someone's honest about that. I mean, you could say, did you hear this book? Sometimes I'll get an audio book downloaded. Oh, I love audio books. I read one book for every seven or eight audio books I listen to.

Yeah. I read one, maybe. And I don't even read most. I don't even read. Sometimes I'll start off reading it, and then I'll go, this is too much work. I'm just going to listen to it in my car. And I just listen to it. I don't, it is too much work. I'm just going to listen to it in my car. I just listened to it. I don't, it's like, there's a lot of dead time. There's a lot of time that's not being used. And that time is when I'm driving and I'm always driving here. I'm driving to the

gym or I'm driving to the comedy store. I'm driving to the airport. I fill that up with books on tape. Do you do do self help books? no, mostly like right now I'm reading I'm reading the Tipping Point which is a Malcolm Gladwell book and I'm also reading Sapiens which is, who wrote Sapiens? I heard someone read the Tipping Point book to me

Tipping Point is great it's really great, really interesting it is but also felt like who is it? Yuval Noah Harari oh okay that's great too It's really great, really interesting. It is, but also felt like... Who is it? Yuval Noah Harari. Oh, okay, that's great too. And also The Talent Code,

just another book I'm in the middle of. I feel like the tipping point... Great book, this book, Sapiens. Fucking fantastic. Sapiens. A brief history of humankind. Very enlightening. Oh.

Yeah. That tipping point, I feel like it could have been three sentences long. Yeah, it was it was a little you know there's a i get it after a while like i get it i get it yeah a bunch of things collide together and anything can happen and the next thing you know hush puppies are really popular my tipping point was joe rogan like played my instagram videos that crazy yeah that's the only tipping point. That makes me very happy.

I love doing that. I am, you know, I will always, I will, if you need, between me and you, if you need me to murder someone,

you need some favor. I'm good, dude. I'm good. But I'm going to contact you on behalf of Donald Trump to deal with Tom Arnold. Oh yeah.

You really are worried about his life, aren't you? I think Tom Arnold's going to kill Tom Arnold before, I think you might be right i don't know what that might be sober now take that back when people do kill themselves

you gotta go okay um how how many times did this person think about this like yeah how how many times did they get close and they didn't want i don't have that in me you know i don't know why whatever whatever it is maybe it's because i take care of myself maybe it's genetic maybe it's because i live a happy life basically luck i don't either luck too yeah i think luck is a big i think it's a big factor um i have a friend who killed himself and his brother had killed himself before that and everybody loved him and it was just stunning to everybody everybody's, what the fuck? I didn't know him that well, but I knew him well enough to really like him.

He was a really, really good guy. Yeah, I mean, people get down. You have to be in so much pain to do that. I don't know what it is. So, you know, a guy like Tom Arnold, who knows? He might have tasted the barrel a couple of times and be like, you know what? I'm just going to fuck it. That wouldn't shock me. He's got a lot of energy.

Does he? Tom? From what I've seen, yeah. What have you seen? I played like this game once with him. It was like a big house game, a bunch of people. And it was, he'd just run around and tag things. I never quite figured it out.

But, man, he was sweating like a pig and running around. This guy's in a drop dead of a heart attack. Yeah. I like that show idea, though. I'm going to check it out. His show? It's not out yet, right? I don't think so.

I think, is Vice, what's going on with Vice? Somebody tell me that Vice is going away. It's not going away. The changes are happening. Like what? They hired a new CEO or VP or something, so all the programming will probably be changed for the fall. Well, it's weird that it's a whole channel. It's like it's a whole channel.

Vice has a channel. I couldn't find it. It saved my life. Yeah, there's too many goddamn channels. There's so much content. There's like 600 plus channels. You know what's hilarious i watch a lot of hunting shows and the outdoors shows they're all like a lot of like really christiany people like a lot of these hunting outdoors type hunting with christ yeah

just like uh just want to thank you lord for this opportunity to take down this ram like there's a lot of that but what's funny is that on direct tv they're only like two or three channels removed from hardcore porn so it's like you go through the lineup you go in the you get into the 500s and it's hardcore porn hardcore porn like daddies and stepdaughters and big cocks and small holes. And then right after that, it's like the great outdoors. With Jesus and friends. Yeah, yeah. Little landmines. Blessed.

Blessed with Mike the Hunter. I'm blessed. I'm out here blessed. This great world and this great country. Blessed. I'll tell you. And they have like the, yeah, they have the Scientology channel now. I've heard about that. They have a channel? Yeah. I think it's up there nice 500s nice nice i did radio once i'll never forget this i did this radio show in denver

and uh just morning radio before a gig like you know you do you promote the gig hey joe rogan's gonna be at the comedy works in denver here this weekend and then in the middle of the thing they go it's time for our Pledge of Allegiance, ladies and gentlemen. And so I'm sitting there like going, what is happening? So there's two, they put their fucking hand on their heart and they go, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which is, and they get into it like full earnestness.

And we're looking at each other, me and I think Ari or Duncan was with me, and we were like, what in the fuck is happening here? Did you go along? Did you play along? Well, I would if it was like a game or something like that. And, you know, stand for the flag. Okay, I'll do that. I'm not going to make anybody feel bad. That's not what it was.

It was a radio show. You're in the middle of the radio show, and you do a Pledge of Allegiance. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Did you stay still? I don't remember what I did. I remember being high as fuck, though. So it made it extra weird. Because whenever I would do those radio shows, we would just meet downstairs.

Because, you know, you've got to be at them at 6 o'clock in the morning. You're exhausted. And you don't necessarily really want to do it but we would meet downstairs and get barbecued and so then it was an adventure it was like everything was free the wind was scaring me i was like oh where's the car that's taking us we get in the car and then we talked to the people and it was always like all right to the driver okay, who's the biggest dickhead you've ever had to drive? Cause there's always like one story about comedians that hated being there. And it was always,

I would, he would hear a bunch of them, but like disgruntled, angry people. And one of them was always Richard Jenny. There was always a Richard Jenny. It was always grumpy. Yeah.

Richard Jenny. Cause he never wanted to be that guy. He never wanted to be the road. He wanted to be that guy who put together the act that got him the Jerry Seinfeld sitcom. Right. And meanwhile, he was one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time. I saw him a bunch of times when I was coming up

and a bunch of times in clubs, and he was a fucking killer. Like one of the most unheralded and unappreciated underappreciated stand-ups of all time he's like one of my all-time favorites but he but it was bumming me out I would hear that he was miserable he didn't want to talk to anybody yeah it's all bummed out I was like oh I heard he's like the guy on his death his girlfriend was making pancakes and he he blew his face off he was still alive he like did it it went wrong oh jesus christ

not to bring the room down jesus so he went under the chin yeah i guess it's that happens like more often than you just take the face fuck taking the face jesus christ we'll be right back that's another one another guy who killed himself crazy that you know it's so common it's so common it's hard to be a person we're the first species that knows we're gonna die very aware of our like impending death that right there you need to medicate that species if you looked at like a chart of like the evolution of monkeys you go okay this first level of primate we got to help them out right they're dealing with so they're gonna get very religious which is good but some of them we got to medicate this group yeah they can't handle it on their own well we used to die young so it was like you wouldn't think about killing yourself because you only live to be 30 right and

now we have so much more time on our hands we don't have to work all day to get a meal and then collapse we're sitting around and we could think about this

fuck you see yourself getting older every day I know it's happening it's happening I love it

you love aging I love it what's your favorite part the pain or the I like the pain I like tired that's tough I got some bursitis that's pretty sweet nice I do

like though I do feel more comfortable I'm feeling less anxious yeah in some ways more another I guess I'm pretty even though well you're more aware of things but then you're also gonna be more aware of your impending demise. We don't live long enough. Like, we need to live 500 years. I've thought about that. First 100 years to fix, like, your childhood stuff that happened. Can you imagine, though, if you did live 500 years, would you be dating, like, a 100-year-old? You'd be like, these fucking 100-year-olds don't know shit.

I'm sure, yeah. She's hot, but she doesn't know shit. They haven't been around. Do you imagine if you were 500 years old and you were dating a 30-year-old? People would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You couldn't do it. But why not? She's a grown-ass woman.

She's 30 years old. That's a grown-ass woman. Right. Like a 30-year-old could date a 50-year-old, could date a 60-year-old, and you're like, he better be rich. A 70-year-old, like, something better be going be going on yeah i don't feel like we mature after 25 men myself i don't know but don't you think though that there is a certain requirement of a lack of maturity to be funny to be like like some of the shit that you did

in those videos, a grown up would not do. You would not do. You know? Like, oh, did you hit that retarded kid? When you have Caitlin,

like, Caitlin driving with a clean record now because Bruce killed that fucking lady. Yeah, baby. I mean, which is,

I wonder if that's the case. I don't know what's happening with that case, but the video doesn't look great. I mean, it's, I wonder if that's the case. I don't know what's happening with that case, but the video doesn't look great. I mean, it's an accident, obviously, but. No, it's horrible. That family must be like, to have that happen, to then lose their loved one,

and then to see her just like completely. Traipsing around. Just hero of the year and all that. Oh, it's been a woman. It's been a hard. It's my turn now, baby. There's a show called Lost in Transition, which I recommend highly. It's people transitioning.

And it's a lot of old people in their 50s and stuff. Wow. Well, that's what's weird about it. It's like there's a lot of it is people that have kind of given up on sex. They don't even want to have sex anymore. Yeah. Which is one of the things that Caitlin said. Yeah.

Sex is kind of like it doesn't matter right right but then why why snippety snip i don't know but the they say that they become like teenagers when they do transition there's like a period where they're feeling this like how teenage feels like coming into their own finally but they're older men you know and it had this period and caitlin they kind of got caught it on that show a little bit it's like you're kind of like a new person i guess you feel like that and it's time i feel like this is you remember when we read about george washington having wooden teeth yeah you read about that is that not true yeah i'm sure he did i mean that's the best they

had but i think you hear about that if you heard about a guy today that had wooden teeth You'd be like what the fuck get that guy to a dentist the fuck is he do they have implants? I give him real teeth. Yes, crazy. I feel like there is going to be a time maybe not in our lifetimes, but maybe shortly after where You know they use crisper or some gene editing material something like that where they can actually turn you into a woman. Oh Well, I mean once you go through puberty. No. No, no, no.

If they can alter your genes. Look, what they can do now, mostly what they're doing now is they're doing work with embryos, and they're planning on altering people from the jump, like from the time they're born. But as that technology gets better and more effective, they're going to be able to utilize it on regular people. And they've actually started introducing certain genes into people that didn't have them before

in order to fix certain ailments or alterations in genes to try to combat certain life-threatening diseases. All these things are on the table. And I think it's just a matter of time before they come up with the technology that allows someone to completely alter their actual sex. I have things I'd alter about myself. What would you change?

First, I'd be hot as fuck. Would you be hot in a nobody-likes-you way? Yeah. Like Thor. Like Thor. Thor, like Thor, yeah. I was on a plane, he came in. Could you be hot in like a nobody likes you way? Yeah. Or like hot. Like Thor. Thor. Like Thor, yeah. I was on a plane.

He came in. He had this big Thor hair, and he whipped it back. Whoa. And all of them were like. I was with my girlfriend at the time, and I saw her look at me and look at him. She couldn't take it. Yeah. There's nothing you can do.

That recalibrates what you see as good looking. When you see actual, because his wife was there, and she's this model. Because when you see her face every year, you're like, I see as good looking when you see actual because his wife was there and she's this model because you see her face every year you're like i'm all right looking yeah but when you see actual gorgeous people i i was staring at them for like 20 minutes real creepy like nice and then i went to the bathroom and i must recalibrated i look like a monster as soon as you looked at yourself yeah i was just like nothing symmetrical there's lettuce on my hair looked like lettuce anyway i yeah i i would um not change any personality i wouldn't make myself a better person you wouldn't i would just make myself gorgeous because that's all that matters to me joe would you all i care about would you be built like the rock i'd be ripped as shit right i mean i'm pretty huge right what kind of a giant hog would you have on you i'd have to take i'd probably

like 10 inch hog take four inches off my hog right now when you put it when you put it on the table and you hear it yeah i had a nice like like uh what was that tommy who's the guy pushing the boat horn with his cock? Tommy Lee? Oh, yeah. I get a genetically engineered Tommy Lee cock. Nice. I actually don't care about that. No?

I mean, I think if I had something mutated, but... Right. There seems like a zone. As long as you're in that zone, it doesn't matter. Yeah, you don't want to be micropenis. You don't want to be too big that it's... Yeah. You don't want to be micro penis. You don't want to be too big that it's. Yeah. You don't want to hurt people. Yeah.

I hate having a 12 inch cock because I have to, I can only get the tip in. I get it. It sucks. Especially if you're the tip. It's like a beer can. Yeah. Big old fat boy. We're on one of those 500 channels right now.

Yeah. This is how it starts yeah there's uh there's quite a lot of those channels still it's like don't these people know about the internet like why are you paying 29.99 for this yeah whatever you're paying how is that not dead yet it's probably kids their parents aren't looking and they just rack it up or guys who just uh want 4k in the big screen have enough has enough time gone by where we've noticed the effect of online porn uh well for sure with pubicare oh pubicare vanished that's true yeah i've a bit my act about it it's like the best sign of porn's influence in our culture is the absence of pubic hair. Like if you had a time machine

and you can get scientists from the future and they're studying the time period between 1990 and 2018, the most confusing thing would be what happened to the pubic hair

because there's no historical record. Nobody discussed it. Interesting. They just started hacking off their pubes. How do you feel about the bald situation?

It's normal. It doesn't bother me anymore. But when I was a kid, I mean, when I was young, nobody did anything. Girls would, it was chaos down there. It was a disaster.

It was like you would touch their, like when you were going down on a girl or you were fooling around, you put your hand down her pants and you feel it outside the underwear. There was like an afro in there. You had like a covering over like the forest buffer yeah it's like somebody threw like jackson five haircut somebody threw a parachute over tree tops and you just touch it

yeah i mean i was an adult when i realized like i i thought it was just like a barbie doll like i didn't really know that there was so much going on until... There was a funny moment when I was in high school. There was this girl that I was dating at the time. It was actually right after high school. And she had this guy that she... We had fooled around a bunch of times. Fooled around, don't fool around for a few months,

fooled around, that kind of thing. And she had some boyfriend that she was dating for a while. And this boyfriend apparently got her to shave her pussy And she When we were fooling around She's like I can't I can't I go what's the matter

She goes I can't show you I go you can't show me what And she was like He made me shave I go he made you shave She goes I don't want I don't want you to see

It's so embarrassing I go I don't give a shit I go So you don't have any hair down there I was like But it was weird It was the first time I'd ever seen him in a shaved have any hair down there. I was like, but it was weird. That's the first time I'd ever seen him in a shaved box.

Weird when you see one. I was like, whoa, look at all this. First time. It was like my beard. Yeah. Right? It was like this. I shaved like three days ago.

So it was like that. Yeah. It was like it was coming back. Yeah, yeah. But it was coming back and she was Italian. So it was just chaos. It was coming back. Like, you know, it was the whole, and she was Italian, so it was just chaos. It was coming back. It was the whole fucking...

Women really do. They have to wax that all the time. They have to do everything. They have to shave their feet. They have to shave their legs. They have to shave everything. Everything that's got hair on it. Me Too hasn't hit that area.

Well, that's not what it is. Me Too is about sexual harassment and assault. It's not supposed to be about grooming choices man maybe maybe me too is the wrong me too should i hate shave my legs me too your idea of what me too is it's so ridiculous i haven't been reading up on me too that's not what it is you just don't read like what is what is Me Too? Anything they're upset at? Feminism. Oh. Yeah, I think they touched on it. I should have said feminism. Well, they went with the armpits. They tried to keep the armpits.

Like, girls were, like, keeping the armpits with it. You have to be super extreme and not shave the legs. Yeah. And to let your ass hair just grow wild, you just have to be a reckless person. Yeah. You have to be just careless. You don't care. You're a renegade.

You're an outsider. Yeah. Crazy have to be just careless. You don't care. You're a renegade. You're an outsider. Yeah. Crazy jungle asshole hair. Definitely better to be a man in terms of grooming issues. Oh, 100%. Yeah. You just have to be clean. If your wife said, I'm not shaving anymore, would you have the talk?

Would you say, yeah, it's okay, whatever you want? I would have to figure out a way to get her to play with wax or something like that and just rip it all off there. Like a wax? Lasers. Yeah. Play a game with laser tag and pew, pew, pew. Why do you just keep hitting my pussy?

Can you imagine if they had, like, that's how they get rid of it, right? There's laser hair removal. But imagine if there was like a gun, you could just drive down the street and shoot people's hair off. You'll be pure Think that's a song like those eyebrows pew pew pew Seems very dangerous although shooting a laser beam. That's how you get LASIK surgery Which sounds insane to me is that how they do it so some of it is they do with a scalpel an actual scalpel Oh, I thought they just burned your eyeball the way some of them But I think some of them they do.

I think there's two different ways to do it. I think sometimes they do it with an actual scalpel, like a blade. And I don't know if they think that that's more precise. I don't know what the fuck. The only thing I heard about laser beams before LASIK surgery was don't look at a fucking laser beam. Yeah. That's the whole thing. Well, here it goes.

Laser pointer burns hole in young boy's eye. Oh, God damn it. It's a story going around. It's a nine-year-old in Greece. That's an actual hole burned into his eyeball. What the fuck? From staring at one of those crazy lasers. Might be one of the new ones that are coming out that like...

I know, remember they went crazy in the 90s. Everyone was buying red pointer lasers. Yeah. There's a new version of them that are really high powered. Oh my God. I think you can light stuff on fire if you're pointing

at it long enough. People have lit bongs on fire with them. What? I don't know if it's these crazy ones that this same kid used but there is a new

high level. People are making YouTube videos with them. What the fuck do you do with his eye now? Does he just have a hole in it forever? It says decrease vision.

So he just has a hole in his vision forever. Yeah, I guess. He's alright. Doctors found a large macular hole in the retina of his left eye. The child reported playing with a green laser pointer repeatedly gazing into the laser beam. They're right. Because of the large size of the hole,

the doctors decided on a conservative approach rather than surgery. Fuck. Why are you fucking your eyeballs up when you're a little kid? Because some asshole parent wants to just play with their phone and let that kid shoot laser beams into their eyeball. Play with his laser beams. Who's watching the kid? How did he get the laser?

Did he have a job? Did he go to the store and buy it? What the fuck are you doing with your kid? You got kids? Yeah. That scares me. You got to make sure that they know they're safe yeah you do well you're 47 if you want to do it you got to do it soon no i got i got like 30 years oh to figure this out well trump had it one when he was 60

okay baron he had one he was like 60 right yeah so you got time i go back and forth i i don't hear good reviews about like they never it's never like a clean do it it's great it's always gym get ready it's gonna change your life you gotta get ready for do you have a steady gal no sleep uh yeah how long year and a half oh that's good yeah does she want them yeah how old is she? She'll be 28 in August. Nice. Young. I know, it's young. It's a good move.

She pursued me, just to get that out there. Keep talking, keep talking. How did it go? How did it go down on channel 592? I feel like such, I'm sweating. Well, if she wants to have kids, she's still young and fertile. You could probably shoot a live one in there and make a person. Is that the technical term?

Yeah. Shoot a live one. If you go to a doctor, that's how you describe it. Yeah, yeah. Hey, when you go in there, Kyle, shoot a live round in there. All right. Like this. Thanks, Doc.

Make sure you keep her legs up in the air. You want to make sure it oozes. Get it oozed down there. If she rides on top, your swimmers might not make it up the canal, if you know what I'm saying. Is that a true thing, you got to lay them back? I don't know. It makes sense.

I mean, I'd like to have kids. I would someday. Someday. You don't have someday. When you're 47, you really don't have someday when you're 47 you really don't have some day because one of the things about um autism is a lot of it is connected to the age of the father yeah it's not just the age of the mother it's the age of the father i feel like i've been in a coma you know disease where you fall asleep for 20 years and you wake up that's how i feel why i

don't know i don't know where those years went I feel like I woke up recently and I'm like, what? Well, how am I? What am I doing? Now? Do you think this is because you weren't doing what you wanted to do? Cause you were just doing a bunch of other shit and the years just kept

piling up. Maybe. I mean, do you feel, I guess maybe kids, you can track your life a little easier. Maybe it's cause I didn't have kids. It sort of seems like one chunk that went by fast the kids you can mark years with your kids well the reality

of being a person is if we really do live to be 80 90 100 if you're fucking really lucky that if you have a hundred dollars it goes quick you buy a sandwich you buy some a drink you get some chips then you go to the movies and then you don't have enough for dinner you know

it's like a dollar here a dollar there a year is not that long it's 365 days it happens so quick and next thing you know it's two years

and then it's five years and then 10 years later and then 30 years later and then then yeah oh you gotta get your hip replaced huh whoa what are you gonna do you're saying i gotta get my my my shit in order that's that's what you're telling me right here you're giving me i think you've already done that you're getting your shit in order right i mean i think i think what you did with starting this instagram page like deciding that you can't keep this gig anymore is very brave and

smart i you realized it i appreciate that i don't feel like it's brave i feel like i it was like that fear and not being able to sleep and i was forced that's how it feels well it's probably whatever the fuck it is your body the fate of the universe, whatever it is, just telling you, like, you can't do this anymore. You can't. And you just listen to it. Some people don't ever listen, man. They just start medicating themselves.

Yeah. And they just drone out. They take SSRIs, and they just show up, and they just get, everything becomes like a dull medium. Mm-hmm. And they just keep doing it over and over and over again. Yeah. I am glad.

I feel right now really thankful. And just to have being able to do shows. Yeah. People coming out. It's just, you know, for years it was like up and down all over the place. And now I feel like I do have some kind of following that I can directly contact. No, you definitely do. And it's going to keep growing.

I mean, you keep putting out the videos like you're putting out. It's going to keep growing. There's no way around it. It's great. Look, we have so many different avenues now that didn't exist before. And one of the things that I think is really cool about today versus when I started, I started in 88, is that there's not like a competitiveness with comedians. Instead, there's like a hyper-supportiveness. Everybody's quick to tell

you about people who are really good. Everybody wants everybody to know. There's no famine anymore because i think before when there was only one tonight show or one letterman and there was a sitcom and everybody was scrambling for you want to get thursday night at eight o'clock on nbc that's where the friend spot is like everybody wanted to get in the right spot and you know there's not that anymore that's an interesting point i didn't thought of that yeah now it's like everybody has a youtube channel or a twitter page or an instagram thing or a podcast they're all doing their own thing and instead of being competitive with other comedians everybody's like everybody has everybody on their shows like

like all these guys that are top podcasters we all do everybody's show yeah i'm always doing either joey does my show or i'll do his show or i'll do tom's show or he'll do my show or i'll do duncan show or he'll do my it's like constant back and forth and everybody's supportive yeah it's because it's it doesn't hurt anybody it just helps yeah yeah and the more like if i if i tell people you got to check out kyle dunn's Instagram page, they're going to go and they're going to say, he's right. Ah, this is hilarious. So it's good for everybody.

It's good for me because they know that I'm not going to bullshit them. And it's good for anybody else too. And it's also good because it's good for me because I want you to do really great because I want more of those funny videos to watch. It's like, it's good for everybody. I feel like giving you cash. Luckily. Just keep taking dives and pool.

What is that? Oh, yeah. It's a real dive. I was trying really hard. It's a hard game. It's been a while since I played. That's my... Yeah, it's one of those games.

You're not supposed to take time off of that Fucking stupid game That's a game that you Have to play every day Alright well We'll play again Play in a year Okay Practice a little

Practice up Maybe after the show You'll play better Because you'll be thinking About what you did wrong No I definitely Yeah Was rusty there

Do you have like An ultimate goal What you want to do With pool With stand up My pool goal With your career Now was rusty there. Do you have like an ultimate goal? What you want to do with pool with standup? My pool goal career now, now that you got momentum, I would,

I mean, I'd love to just build the audience, um, and just do, uh, bigger venues. Uh, so I don't have to travel so much.

I'd like to just have like a life and be able to do like weekend gigs and then come back yeah yeah and have enough money to be comfortable yeah those thursday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday weeks that a lot of people do whoo people don't realize you're alone for 23 hours then you have too much attention for an hour then you're alone for 23 hours you're too it just yeah if you're not you don don't have the right like mindset to go out and do stuff and go to the gym. If you're like a,

you hermit, you're in real trouble mentally. And a lot of people do. I think that's what Richard Jenny did. Yeah. You know,

a lot of people do wind up hermiting. Yeah. I always make sure that I exercise and always make sure I do something, go out, do something.

It makes a giant difference. Yeah. You just feel way better. Yeah. I feel like a person. I need a routine. Without having a boss or a job, I need a routine to stay. When you go on the road, do you bring somebody with you, like an opening act?

I can't really afford it at this point. That's another thing. When you get a bigger audience, you can bring friends. Right now, I just jog there. Yeah. Right now I just, I jog there. I ride my bike there by myself. Do you have a basket where you put all your stuff? Front back, little ding, ding. I started bringing people on the road a long time ago because I had a couple of gigs that I did and the local guys were so terrible.

And it was, it made it so much more excruciating. Oh, absolutely. Because you've got to sit through. The thing about watching someone who just has no idea what the fuck they're doing. It's brutal. And after it's over, you're convinced nothing's funny. There's nothing funny. Yeah, you hate stand-up as a genre.

You're like, it can't be funny. Nothing can be funny. This isn't funny. Nothing's funny. Yeah. It's not funny. I had a great middle guy luckily in the last thing i did oh that's great yeah where were you um the american comedy oh san

diego yes great gig great that's a nice audience it's a fun little area too right yeah oh yeah area yeah a lot of drunks awesome yeah yeah if you're looking for gals perhaps a little liquored up that's your That's for you. It's a good place for you. I love San Diego, period. Yeah. I could live down there. I think it's voted the number one city to live in.

It's a fucking great place, because it's like a city, but it's not too big. It has a little bit of traffic, but it's not crazy. Perfect weather. Perfect. Beach, if you want it. Yeah, and it has everything. It's got restaurants. People are cool.

Also, the military's there. It's never going to get attacked. Well. Maybe it is. I mean, Pearl Harbor. That's right. Great cocaine. You can get great cocaine there.

Where are you getting it? From Phil? I saw what I hear. Oh, Phil. That guy's an asshole. I got to try psychedelics because I've never done them. But you smoke pot. Smoke pot. I eat never done them. But you smoke pot. Smoke pot.

I eat it at night. Helps me sleep. Do you ever try those sprays, like jumbo breath sprays? No, marijuana sprays. I wish I knew. I would have brought some for you. It's the way to go. Are you going to get free sprays now because you mentioned it?

No, I buy them. Do you ever do that i would do that like boy i love you know reebok sneakers and then hope they send me how it's easier to just buy them people send you stuff they do too much stuff i know i don't want it's like the you know you probably want them just to send that to like a homeless person or something well i just don't want them to send it to me. Yeah. You know, we can work out a thing where you give it to me and then don't worry about

it. And then you'll just have like fucking Kanye wear it. One of your bits. Yeah. 400 like monster drink cases. He's holding it just inconspicuously as he talks. Oh, that's what I could do.

Monetize product placement. I I could do. Monetize. Product placement. I'm not going to monetize. I'd like to keep it. I mean, we're joking, but like. Have Caitlin just drinking monster drinks. These are fantastic. They give me so much energy.

Ever since they chopped my nads off, I've been kind of slow. What I wouldn't chop off is this. I wonder if that does happen. That happened to my dog. I got him fixed and he became very listless. Oh, really? He was like, what's the point? Oh, no.

What's the point, man? How old's your dog? Well, he was, at the time, he was five. When I got his... When I got his... Yeah. Got him a little snippy. I got a tiny dog, which isn't a great look for a man. What kind of dog? Love it.

It's a pug-chihuahua mix. Aw. The way I talk to my dog is inexcusable. It's offensive to me as a man. I don't tell myself. I don't give my permission. My dog was licking her paws, And this just came out of me. I went, are you licking your stinkies?

Stinkies? Are you licking? That came out. I'm a grown man. I just, I didn't give my, I didn't say like, oh, let me ask her if she's licking her stinkies. I just. But why stinkies? I don't know. It wasn't even stinkies.

It was like tinkies. I was like, you licking your tinkies? Have you called them tinkies before? No, it just came out of me. But then I was like, maybe this is me, you know, because I'm alone with my dog. Like, maybe I talk like this. Like, maybe this is my truth. I have a dog that's about to die.

I'm sorry. I have one of my dogs is 13. He's a mastiff, and it's really bad. He can't walk anymore. It takes, like, for him to come in to eat it takes several minutes several minutes of him walking you know five six yards it's like we adopt these terminally ill children because you get attached to them like your kids and you wouldn't adopt a kid who's gonna die at 14 well i have him and i have another dog who's also very old, who's a Shibu Inu English Bulldog mix.

He's a little bit better, but he's not going to make it very much longer either. Bulldogs don't have long legs. He's got real problems walking as well. But then I have Marshall, who's a year and six months, and he's a golden retriever. He's the total opposite. He just fucking leaps into the pool, and he runs around the pool in circles and he goes running with me in the hills and he's a fucking just a ball of energy and love and happiness and you just get to see him at this stage and i'm like damn one day marshall's gonna be 13 i'm gonna

see marshall like these dogs you know it's gonna it's gonna be a just a giant struggle it's harsh it's really hard i mean it's fucking hard man i don't know why you know what's like to have kids but i feel like very i get really attached to my dogs yeah yeah it's that times a million with kids it's it's that times a million one of the things that changed with me is uh the way i look at people because i always considered people just you know i meet you you're 47. I just think, well, Kyle's 47. That's what he is.

But I didn't know you when you were two, you know? And now when I meet people and I meet people like I meet some old asshole, I'm like that old dickhead, he used to be a little baby. Oh. He was a baby. Yeah. And he became this old dickhead. Like how did this happen? Like what went wrong?

And I'm so much more compassionate. I'm so much more, I care about people so much more. And I care about, I give them more of a break. I give people way more of a break. Yeah. And I notice this is something that I don't see as much in single guys who don't have children. Yeah. You don't, you know, like there's something about it that the world is dog eat dog.

You're competing for your career. You're competing for love interests. You're competing for this and that. And everybody's like, fuck that guy and fuck him. And everybody's trying to get, nobody's, nobody looks at people and go, oh, that could have been my son. Yeah. That's, that's have been my son. Yeah. That's a little baby that became this weirdo 28-year-old man.

That's one thing I hear about having kids that is very attractive to me, that it does shift your perspective. Massively. It gives this whole new view on life. Changed who I am. Changed who I am and it just, and permanently.

You scare me about that autistic thing though really well it's real you know there's a correlation it's a correlation between older men and higher instances of autism you got the percentages you got some statistics oh it's right here for you great no I mean look a lot of people do it and they're fine. And it's going to help for sure that your gal's young. She's not even 30. Yeah. Yeah. Shoot a live one down there.

Yeah, baby. One right down the old tube. Right. Just get to two years. Get to two years. You guys have been together a year and a half? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Make it to two years. Almost. Well, yeah. Year and a half. When you hit two, remove the goalie. Oh. And start shooting pucks. Almost. Well, yeah. When you hit two, remove the goalie. Oh. And start shooting pucks. Bam, bam, bam from the free throw line.

Woo. Yeah, it seems like an important life experience to have. It is. And it's not for everybody. And one of the things that used to drive me crazy when I was single is people would say, you know, you have to have kids. You don't have kids. You're not living a normal life.

That's crazy. That's so stupid. That is such a, like the idea that you can't be a complete human being unless you recreate. Recreate. Recreate. What's the word I'm looking for? Reproduce. How come that word wouldn't come out? It's not that far off though. Recreate. Recreate. What's the word I'm looking for? Reproduce. How come that word wouldn't come out?

It's not that far off, though. Recreate another me. But why wasn't reproduce like right there? I was having trouble with anecdote. Don't worry about it. Yeah, antidote, anecdote. But those are super close. But you can be a fucking completely fulfilled person and never get married and never have a kid you just

have to have good friends and enjoy what you do there's nothing wrong with that so i used to drive me crazy yeah it's a little what what i just remember being a kid and like my uncle like wasn't married or had kids and i was always like huh what's up with him smart what's up with that guy he's partying seems uh he's going the bill maher route do you people was that getting me into bill maher do you have a bill maher do you people yeah i do that's right you do i saw you did you one of those people who thinks you're one of those people you're not okay okay you don't you're wrong you people there's no god okay and if you think there is it's very like i know everything i kind of do agree with a lot of what he says yeah he's smart guy that shows a

weird show everybody talking over each other five people on a panel it's like whatever it is four whatever the fuck so many people do you see the Ben Affleck one yes with Sam Harris Sam's a friend of mine I love Sam too that was hilarious I think Ben Affleck was roided up oh cause of Batman that's right he had that energy

well he also was like kinda red and thick like his neck was thick like listen when you're 40 whatever the fuck age he is and you want to pack on that kind of muscles there's only one way you gotta fucking take that plunger yeah that's what i think i think he was juiced up and i think he just was hyper aggressive virtue signaling and really didn't even know what the fuck he was talking about and clearly picked the wrong guy oh my god i would never argue with sam harris i think about it i think like the fact that he can't be president really pisses me off like why can't i want a guy

who's smarter than me well he could be president i don't think he can being an atheist maybe not yeah it's like why i get I don't get this whole thing of like, I want to vote for this guy. I can relate to him. He's like me. I don't want a guy like me. Right.

It's like wanting a babysitter. Like, I want a babysitter. I want someone who's... Superior. Exactly. Smarter. I mean, he's very meditative, Sam,

and calm. I firmly believe no one should be president. I think there should be a council. Oh wise people I love that idea. Yeah, like the Jedi Council fucking eight people or something Just really really smart people that have you know have good and I think they should all have had to do mushrooms all of them I think I don't know about that all have to do psychedelic experiences All of them should be high can not not do mushrooms while they're on the job,

but have in the past where they understand there's more to life than this thing. That's part of the platform. The person needs to be like, I did try mushrooms. Didn't just try. And they've got your vote. No, you gotta go deep.

You gotta take the heroic dose. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I love that idea. A little think tank. Yeah, eight people. Super wise people. I don't really think the mushroom thing is necessary.

But considerate, wise, objective people that care and have a deep sense of responsibility to sort of guide our country in the best way possible, rather than for their own interests. Exactly. I put Neil deGrasse Tyson on this board, too. Well, he'll be great for some sort of a role as a science educator in the government anyways. What's great about Neil is he's one of the first guys in our lifetime that made science fun, Made astrophysics interesting.

He's so enthusiastic. He's a great guy. I fucking love that guy. If we have, if aliens, like, we gotta send one guy to aliens. Oh, he's a guy. 100%. We send Neil deGrasse Tyson. Well, he's also, even though, like, he'll be talking to someone who is, you know, just

doesn't really understand what he's saying he's not a leadest exactly yeah the way he argues he's caring about yeah yeah he's a master at it he's a really likable guy but he is like that all the time like he's like that when the camera's off he's just a great guy and one quality has it rarely does someone who's like really smart have is he's a big laugher. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a perfect human. He's a fun guy.

You know, he used to be a wrestler. Talk about mushrooms. Huh? He used to be a wrestler. Really? Yeah, he wrestled in high school. He was jacked. Oh, yeah, he was kind of built like that.

I think he wrestled in college, too. He was jacked. Like, fucking jacked. Yeah, he's an all-around uh quality human yes sam harris to the way he argues just stays calm well he doesn't argue about things he doesn't understand either you know like if sam has a conversation and uh say like he's having a conversation with someone about whatever the fuck it is some some discipline that's outside of his realm yeah and then you know he'll he'll ask questions like he doesn't have he's not he's

not a know-it-all that's how you learn yeah people forget but if he's talking to you about something and he's arguing it's because he understands what he's talking about that's that's a rare quality man there's so many people that want to argue about shit that they really don't even understand you know and i don't think there's anything wrong with discussing things that you really don't understand to try to understand them especially if you're doing it in a casual conversation or even a podcast but there's a lot of fucking people that argue shit and they're just trying to win you know they're just trying to score points yeah they're not really Right. You get a lot of that, right? I do it a lot. But I'm more aware of it watching people who don't do it.

You learn. Well, it's a normal thing. You get caught up in your idea and then you want your idea to be right. Yeah. And then you kind of like chase down all the evidence that would show that your idea is right. You see this all the time when someone gets accused of something and we don't know exactly what happened. You see the groups of people

that automatically want to think that person is guilty and automatically have a preconceived idea of what went down and how it went down, regardless of what the other person said. They only want to look at it one way. It just gets real weird with people. It's harder now with all the information information you have to be you have to be a little more um you know what hashtag fake news hashtag hashtag i'll come back i'll get smarter and come back what kind of smart you're

gonna get book smart i'm gonna get sam harris neil degrasse tyson smart if i gave you a pill and the pill would make you super smart but but you wouldn't be funny anymore, would you take it? Would I be happy? That's a good question. It's the same. No one can decide whether or not you're going to be happy but you. What am I going to do? That's up to you, Kyle Dunnigan.

I don't think I'd take it. Would you stay stupid and funny? I never said, hey, you know I'm stupid. Half retarded and funny like you are now. I did get very little oxygen when I was born. Why?

I was purple and they were like, this one might come out a little goofy and we have to wait and see if he starts talking. And then I started talking and they're like,

oh, he's all right. Really? But I have a theory that like I was born a genius, got a little retarded and now I'm like kind of normal.

It's just a theory but a retarded genius came up with it. Might not be a bad theory. I mean, what a roll of the dice, whether you're born super smart or not. It's a roll of the dice. Oh, everything is. You know, there's some people that just have better brains.

Yeah. There's some people that are just really good at math. Like I used to have a friend, my friend Johnny, you could just yell out math problems to him. Yeah. You know, like five times five minus six divided by seven multiplied by 100 divided by three, and he would go 16.

Yeah. And you'd be like, what the fuck? And like someone would be sitting next to him with a calculator, and they would like try to keep up. He could do it as fast as someone could type it in with a calculator. Yeah. It was bizarre.

And useless talent. Useless talent. of calculators asshole you weren't born 200 years ago batteries are everywhere so this is a shortage of batteries we need you yeah it's a calculator on my phone bro my phone is a calculator not to bring up sam harris again but that whole like um you know free will book, you know, that kind of. That's a mind fuck. It really is. Because your mind doesn't want to believe that.

Like, it's just not a, it's like not believing in heaven. Like, you want to believe it. It's hard to, it's just hard. But there's definitely so much luck involved in who your parents were, how you were raised. Life experiences, for sure. involved in who your parents were how you were raised life experiences for sure you know whether or not you've ever been attacked assaulted robbed whether you've been an accident or you got gravely injured there's so many variables that are just fortunate just luck yeah there's so many it'd be just

someone dance with you yeah whatever yeah Yeah, there's so many things that you just fucking luck. Well, look, we're all lucky we're here. We weren't born in the jungle of Guatemala somewhere. Absolutely. Yeah, we're just lucky. I mean, you won a huge, won a trillion lottery to be born. Yeah. And then to be born in the US at this time where we have air conditioning and GPS.

Jesus. Why don't we revere science more? If there's a God, he's saying, I'm rewarding you every time you listen to science. Yeah. at this time where we have air conditioning and GPS. Why don't we revere science more? If there's a God, he's saying, I'm rewarding you every time you listen to science. Yeah. And yet, so much of religion is against science. I don't know.

Look, I don't know. Well, because science is saying, hey, nobody comes back from the dead after three days. Hey, people can't really walk on water. Hey, why did he turn water into wine? Why didn't he just make wine? He's fucking magic. I never thought of that.

Stop with the magic trick, bro. We're trying to get fucked up just making some wine. Hey, I'm tired of wine. You got any whiskey in that? In those magic robes? Yeah, the miracles were sort of like... Stupid. They're fucking public tricks. His miracles are horrible.

You know what was the best? There was a thing back in the 80s called the Power Team for Jesus. And what they were was these dudes that would do like feats of strength for Jesus. Like they would fucking break bricks with their head. They would rip phone books in half. They would lift up heavy weights and do it for Jesus. Wow. Like Jesus gave them the power to do it for jesus wow like jesus gave him the power yeah yeah but it was also like hey dude jesus is he's magic he's got magic like he's not going to be impressed by you breaking a board with your extra thick skull you

fucking idiot wow look at one of my children down there have you never heard of them no i dude i used to watch them all the time they were on like this religious channel and i used to watch the power team for jesus going what in the fuck is this that's amazing it was so have you found anything on it i found a lot there's guys find a good a good one those guys are the third street promenade there is this is the power team for genius jesus yeah see whoa they break bricks. Yes, for Jesus. I broke this brick for the Lord. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and steroids for sure. There go the devil. Yes. Ah. Yeah. I used my head. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, look, he axe kicked it. Whoa. Whoa. It seems a little too easy to break those. They're really making a mess for Jesus. Ooh, he drops an elbow down. Oh, I'm going to blow up this balloon for Jesus. They blow it up until it explodes.

That's why they have to wear goggles on. It's like a hot water balloon. Yeah, it's a bladder. This trick is not great. Oh, wax your right in the face. This is so stupid. Here comes the boom. Oh, he ripped a phone the face. This is so stupid. The song Boom. Here comes the boom. Oh, he ripped a phone book.

What's that? What's that? I thought it was P.O.D. That's saliva. P.O.D. is a Christian rock band. P.O.D. P.O.D. Yeah, payable on death.

What's the goal here? They're Christian rock, yeah. That's like, they have some great fucking songs. They definitely do. Yeah. Here comes the boom. Yeah, it's Rooks ripping phone books in half for Jesus

look at this he's bending a bar for Jesus and by the way this is this is a newer power team this is not the original power team power team 2.0 well the older guys are dead from steroids 1990 they're all with Jesus now

is this a 1991 yeah this is the guy Brad Tuttle look at his look at the fucking mullet bro oh yeah and shaved armpits by the way notice that

right that guy's got shaved armpits yeah Jesus loves that look at the pants those puffy pants those gym pants hold on what's he saying

big bad bar I was walking in all my friends were inside and the door shut behind me where's your armpit hair, bro? I saw the world what it really had to offer me You know what it was a big fat zero. I got in my car I drove home with my wife we got inside our apartment. My wife went and sat on the couch I paced back and forth in the living room People were pro wrestling is a little too heady.

Pro wrestling without the other guy. Yeah. It's for people who think pro wrestling is too complicated. I don't get what they're saying in pro wrestling. There's too many people, too many moving pieces. It hurts my brain. I like this. Yeah, that was a huge crowd. Dude, that's like 20 plus thousand people.

That place is giant. I'm in the wrong business. Yeah, look, they lift things up for the Lord. Oh, what happened to the mullet, bro? Got rid of the mullet. What the fuck, dude? Is he going to jump, bro? Looks bigger, too.

He did more roids and got rid of the mullet. His head grew. His forehead's larger. Multiple guys there, too. Multiple people. Are they going to throw him into a pit or something? This is crazy. I wonder if he has the same speech

or if he gives a different one every time. Different guy. That's the same guy, bro. The mullet guy's right behind him. No. Yeah, he's got the chains on. They're the same human. Yeah, they're the same guy.

It's a clone. Tag team partner, I think. Maybe they're twins. They're tag team partners? Oh. Ladies and gentlemen, the more you committed to God, the more you'll be committed

to each other. You'll never understand commitment. The first time I ever saw them was on Jerry Springer or something. Oh, maybe. Maybe they had a smash people. Jesus. On Jerry Springer.

Sometimes they had to find out who's the baby mama. Oh, that's Maury. Maury was who's the baby daddy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He's the baby daddy. Yeah. Yeah. Has anybody contacted you from them? The Kardashians? Yeah. No.

No. What would you do if they slid into your dms you saw a dm and it was kanye you see the blue check mark you're like oh jesus christ i would snap a photo and i'm tired i'm tired of caitlin too he oh you'd be on my side record a fat beat yeah i would love that would you obviously yeah no, I feel like, would they be mad? I don't think they'd be mad. It's so ridiculous. Whenever I do a comedy special, one of the things that I do is I have a moment of panic

after I'm done. Oh, the calls. I smoke pot and I get super paranoid and I go, oh, I shouldn't have done that bit. Oh, yeah. That bit's so mean. And the last one was my Caitlyn Jenner bit. I, by the way, love that bit. When I saw this, how you know it's a good bit. I was like,

Oh, I wish I thought of that. You know, you're, Oh yeah, that's the angle. But it was, well, I,

I came, I had to think for so long how to do that. And the, the way to do it was just to shit on myself first. And then also have a lot of truth in it about how, like, I've never been happier, but I'm,

I've never been more of a bitch. I live in a house filled with girls there's all women in my house i don't i have zero say in like yeah where things go or what color things are it's all it's easier to to just let them run i want them to be happy and i don't need my masculine energy everywhere and that's also one of the nice place things about this place yeah this place is clearly like a big this is a bro it's a bro house bro it's a fucking bro warehouse but um so i've i felt like oh that's the thing because they're turning me softer for sure like women living with all these women i've changed the way i communicate and think and behave i'm turning into a bitch i'm like i've never been more of a bitch in my life. And so the idea was like,

if my, my manhood was a mountain of marbles, I'm like every day they take two. It's like, what's the big deal? You have so many marbles. God, dad,

why do you care? Why do you even care? And then I'm, I'm like, I'm seeing where this is going. And then I, then I said, okay,

this is what it is. That's where the bit is. The bit is I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner. Yeah. And then I'm like okay, this is what it is. That's where the bit is. The bit is, I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner. Yeah. And then I'm like, everybody's like, he's always been a woman. Like, maybe, maybe, or maybe if you live with crazy bitches long enough, you fucking become one. And Kanye, you don't like what you're saying. I don't like what I'm saying.

He's going crazy. He's clearly going crazy. You live with crazy people. I don't know. I don't like what I'm saying. He's going crazy. He's clearly going crazy. You live with crazy people.

It's entire. So that bit was one of the ones where after I released it, I'm like, oh, that poor girl. She doesn't need me to be pretending that she got seduced by demons in the middle of the night while she's sleeping. Uh-huh. But it was so fun to do. It was also a fucked up bit to do because in order to do it I literally had to think like a demon I got with I would think like I was trying to seduce her like I was like I was like whispering her ear like a demon like

We would like you better wow there's no effect on the one of us You can just do that. Yeah. That's really hard. I can't. I can't be one of you. I was born a man. You see the old like. Nonsense. You see the old like footage of the old Kardashian shows.

And Bruce will come in like, you girls and your makeup. And like walk in like pissed off. Apparently he was cross-dressing that whole time. Yeah. Since he was younger-dressing that whole time yeah since he was younger you know what the there's a theory by one of the guys who was in the olympics with him that uh you know they had everybody was roided up back then everybody i mean they just gave everybody steroids and one of the things that happens to men when they take large doses of steroids is that your testosterone shuts down. Your body just shuts down. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

And there's a real, there's a depression period. There's a lot of weird things that happen to men. One of the other things that happens is your body starts producing way more estrogen. You get something called bitch tits. Oh. Ever see that? I got those. No, it's different.

It's called gyynomastica. And gynomastica comes from introducing too much exogenous testosterone into your system. Your body starts producing estrogen to sort of balance it out. And in that process, you grow tits. Literally. Yeah. So what this person from the, I don't remember if they named the person who it was, but they were saying that all of this happened right when Bruce got off steroids, like right after the Olympics.

Like he saw this transition taking place where he was just baffled and confused. Well, I heard that when he was a kid, he used to steal his mom's or his sister's clothes or something like that. I heard, I don't know. Maybe. That makes more sense.

That makes more sense. I mean, I don't like these issues. You feel tortured and that must be awful. I mean, I don't like that he's, she's like, you feel tortured and that like must be awful. I really like, really feel comfortable like making, I don't make fun of like her genitalia or something, but like, she's really a ridiculous person. Like besides the, forgetting the transgender thing, like she's really funny. Well, how about the fucking kill the lady and never bring it up? Just that alone.

Yeah, that is. kill the lady and never bring it up just that alone yeah that is uh i mean all the conversations afterwards all the interviews afterwards it wasn't this existential crisis of having accidentally killed someone and being at this point in your life where you're like oh my god i don't have much time to live and i just sent some woman to her grave because i wasn't paying attention at the wheel of my escalade that never got brought up yeah i don't i don't know like what she felt behind closed doors but it didn't seem like it slowed her down at all. I think I'd take a month off

and be like, I gotta not be out in public and I feel horrible and I'm gonna take care of this family somehow. She's at Sephora trying on different eye shades. I don't know why we care. She wasn't even famous. Did you know that? Press doesn't talk about that. Who cares?

You're so good at that impression you could do her on stage and you don't even need like the face swap like people would just start laughing like they know what you're doing when i did at largo i got fully dressed up and i put like glasses on and stuff because i felt like and i was back and Zach did they introduce you as Caitlyn Jenner? yeah yeah no I came out as like it was a big risk and Zach Galifianakis was backstage

I'm like I don't know where this is going to go and he was like I've dressed up as a woman and I'll just say this it's a longer fall when it fails which is true

like if you get all dressed up and you bomb it's like darkness it scared me darkness scared me. Darkness. Darkness falls. Darkness falls.

It's lucky that she's ridiculous enough that you could point things out. Like this is one of the things that people always say about, you know, when people are clamoring about what a great person Hillary Clinton was. I'm like, do you know that she didn't endorse gay marriage until 2013? She was against gay marriage. I didn't know that't endorse gay marriage until 2013? She was against gay marriage. I didn't know that. Against gay marriage until 2013. She's a fucking ridiculous person.

There's hundreds of videos of her lying. You hear what she said and you hear what the truth is. The Comey investigation with the FBI found, the deleted emails. Benghazi. Benghazi. She's just not an honest person. Maybe that's part of the job I don't know but that

if you bring that up to people they have less of an argument well with Caitlyn you bring up the fact that she's against gay marriage and people go wait what no are you serious like yeah yeah yeah here I'm gonna play you something and then you play her saying well I'm a traditional girl like yeah

it really is so mind blowing that it went over And then you play her saying, well, I'm a traditional girl. Yeah. It really is so mind-blowing that it went over. You almost can't. I can't really wrap my head around. That's got to be a joke. I can't believe. But people don't seem to care that much. They seem to be like letting that slide. They don't see how fucking ridiculous that is.

Very hypocritical. Just crazy. It's crazy is what it is it's like mentally unstable there's there's bad processing going on absolutely i mean there's no sense or empathy to put that on this it's crazy right there it's crazy first of all the thing about gay marriage to me has always been who gives a fuck right are we pretending that they don't love each other like what are we doing are we pretending that it's immoral okay well it's a moral thing then we have a real argument right like what is morality if it's not two people that

love each other you have a problem with the fact that they're they're both boys they've done scientific studies that have shown that there's different they have a different pattern to the way their brain thinks yeah i mean they can show the difference in the way especially like with trans kids yeah and trans people they're they're showing with fmris and all these different ways of measuring like their brains appear to work more like a woman's brain than they do like a man's brain like there's there's something going on right. It's not as simple as delusions. Yeah. And then with gay people, there's clearly something going on where they're attracted only to the same sex.

It's like a biological issue. Yeah. And this issue is, it exists. So to pretend that they're supposed to ignore that for your benefit. Right. Todd, you know Todd Glass? Sure. He brought up a great, insightful thing. Because he lived. Right. Todd, you know Todd Glass? Sure.

He brought up a great, insightful thing. Because he lived a lot, people didn't know he was gay, so he heard guys talking or people who were like, you know, homophobic or whatever. And his point of view was like, he thinks a lot of this is from people imagine the act and they're grossed out and it really bothers them. And he was saying, do you want to imagine your sister giving a blow job no it's disgusting but you want her to feel loved and you want her to have that happiness and that's all he was like asking for i thought that

was a insightful thing i think a lot of times too it's just lack of exposure to gay people when you're young in particular, you know, like having them be accepted by your family and other people. And like, if you're around, when I was a kid, I got really lucky. I lived in San Francisco from the time I was seven to 11 and we were around a lot of gay people.

My next door neighbors were gay and they would get naked with my aunt and they would play the bongos. They would smoke pot, play the bongos because it was San Franciscoisco in the 70s yeah so to me gay people were just like it was a normal thing it was just this guy's gay this guy's black this guy's old this guy you know it's just a person just different kind of person and then i moved to florida when we were when i was 11 we moved to florida we moved to Gainesville. You basically moved to a different country. I moved to planet stupid.

And these people that I live, I had my friend, his name was Candy, Candido. And he was a Cuban kid. And his dad was fucking super homophobic. And so I remember I went over his house once after school to play. And his dad was like,

I can't believe these fucking faggots want to get married. this shit and he's throwing the newspaper down on the table and i remember i was i was 11 right and i was like what's wrong with this fucking dummy like why does he care like why is this bothering him at all it didn't even make sense to me yeah there there's a with a lot of people real rage underneath it all I think they're scared of being gay and I don't want anybody to think they're gay

yeah they just it's just just putting it off and it may be like the act disgusts them but all sex

is disgusting I mean all of it you're doing it wrong oh I am yeah talk to me after the show after the show give me some pointers

something was off maybe that's why you haven't had a kid yet yeah I've been trying for 30 years I've been trying for 30 years. I've been trying. Put it in the butt like you're supposed to. What? No. Huh? No.

Don't do that. How long have we been talking? I feel like I've been talking for... Two hours and 40 minutes. Somewhere around there. You want to wrap it up? I'm a gabber, huh? No, we always do this. What is a normal length of a show? Probably around that. Really? Yeah it up? I'm a gabber, huh? No, we always do this. Oh. What is a normal length of a show? Probably around that.

Really? Yeah. You do this twice a week? This week, four times. Wow. You're banking a few. No. They go live.

We're streaming live. Okay. And then afterwards, we'll put it up on iTunes, and it'll upload to YouTube in a little bit. You got a whole thing going. Yeah. But I have too many guests' requests. Yeah. It's like there's almost too going. Yeah. But I have too many guests requests. It's like there's almost too many. And I love doing it.

So I just do a bunch of them. Who's your favorite guest? Don't, besides me, besides- Kyle Dunnigan. Who's second? Kyle Dunnigan. Oh, wow. This is great.

I don't have one. I'm so lucky. I've had so many great guests. I really don't have a favorite. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Yeah, I just covered Sam Harris. I'm so lucky. I've had so many great guests. I really don't have a favorite. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Yeah, I just covered Sam Harris through. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So I have pretty good guests. Yeah, yeah. The problem is your impression has replaced her real voice. In my mind, if I see her on TV, I'm like, yeah, well. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I got my shy 17 chimichurri.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm not sure what sheichurri. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure what she sounds like anymore. It might be different. So, um, do you have mapped out future ones that you're working on right now? I have a couple.

I actually have like a song I just recorded. I can play a second. Cause I heard that she hits from the ladies teas. No, I don't, I don't even want to research it because i don't want it to not be true but that's what i heard so i wrote a song about her hitting from the ladies tees do you have a internet because my phone is broken i need internet to i could i could do a

world premiere right now okay like uh jamie can look something up well no it's in my email oh you need our wi-fi password i'll type it in yeah our Wi-Fi password? I'll type it in for you. Here, give it to Jamie. Sorry. We'll type it in there. Yeah. What's wrong? Your phone's just...

It died. But it's working. No, it doesn't do phone calls. Oh. I got Wi-Fi, but that's it. And it dies sometimes for no reason. I went to the AT&T store before this. I've got to go to the Apple store.

There's some major problem. This isn't interesting, but anyway. There's a power cord next to you, too. I went to the 18T store before this. I've got to go to the Apple store. That's a major problem. This isn't interesting, but anyway. There's a power cord next to you too. I had my phone break. My phone broke in Hawaii because I just dropped it too many times. It started making random phone calls.

I could open the contact screen and start calling people and I'd hang up. That's terrifying. I'd call somebody else. I'd hang up. Well, lucky there's no one in my contact

that I don't like, but when it did that, I had to, and then it totally stopped, where it wouldn't let me punch in my code to unlock it. It was just fucked. Wouldn't recognize my face. It was like, fuck you. It was dead. So I ordered one, and I had to get it shipped, and I was in Lanai, which is a really small island. So it takes a few days to get like an iPhone there. It took three days.

Yeah. But it was a beautiful three days. Best three days of your life. Three days with no phone. Yeah. Just chilling. Yesterday I could not like. What's so funny?

There's an article I just found where he, I'm sorry, she was talking about. Should I hit for the men's team? Let's vote on it. Let's vote on it. She said. Craig T. Nelson's comment. I played golf with you for 30 years before caitlin nelson said i know how you hit so it wasn't prejudice he said he wouldn't allow her he wouldn't allow her to hit from the men i think if you're on a wheaties box you can't he as an athlete you can't for her part jenner

said she'd hit from either box depending on how the group voted. And women's T won. Oh, and don't worry, she dominated everyone on the links. Both sexes. Sure she did. She's a fucking Olympic gold medalist. I know. Even though she's 70 years old and a woman now. Well, she went through puberty as a man.

She got the man muscles and the man skeleton. It's all withered away. The skeleton's still there, but the muscles are gone. This is the world premiere. I won't play the whole thing. Play it, baby. What, I just put on this? Yeah.

Edmund Jenner. You hear that? I'm going to shoot the video probably next week. Nice. West Coast. West Coast. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. video point next week. Nice. West Coast. West Coast, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah What is the ladies see closer? I don't play golf. Oh yeah. They're 20, 30 yards closer. Oh, this is They're 20, 30 yards closer. Oh. This is driving the cart. Let's end with that. Kyle Dunnigan, you're a funny motherfucker, man.

You're the best. I'm glad you listened to that terrible feeling that you had in the middle of the night. I am too. I'm really glad. You got more songs playing? No, I don't know what's going on. My phone's exploding Kyle Dunnigan won on Instagram

Do you have a Twitter? Kyle Dunnigan Twitter Oh you got Kyle Dunnigan on Twitter I got the right one for Twitter But I don't really Who's that Kyle Dunnigan on Instagram? He's like in the Midwest

Buy it from him Reach out For real I can't change Once you get verified You can't change Yes you can get verified, you can't change. Yes, you can. Oh, really?

Yeah. We'll talk afterwards. Okay. Yeah. I'll let you know. Thank you. There's people you can call. Swipe.

Right? My man. Sweet. Thank you. All right, buddy. And everybody else, go check out his Instagram page. It's the best. Bye.