The Joe Rogan Experience - #1143 - Candice Thompson

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

Candice Thompson is a comedian, writer, and actor. Check out her podcast called "The Struggle w/ Candice Thompson" available on Spotify and on her website here: http://www.candicethompsoncomedy.com/the-struggle-podcast

do do do four three two one and we're live candace hi guys hi oh my god we're live oh my god what were you saying about hereditary that's supposed to be a terrifying movie right that's what they said that's what they said they meaning the media and uh like huffington post i think i i so that's why i went because i i'm not scared by anything like in the movies. So I'm constantly in pursuit of a actual scary movie. So I went thinking, Oh, this might be the one.

It was not. Damn. You're that hard that no movies get you. I can't remember the last time I was scared, but I think poltergeist when I was a kid. And that's why I'm scared of clowns. Nothing as an adult though. No,

I'm trying to think of the last time I was really scared. Well. See? Yeah. See? They don't make. Well, they're fun. I like them.

That's how I feel. I like, and I also like thinking that something might get me. I like the suspense in that, but it never does. I always get, it's very anticlimactic for me. You like thinking that something might get you scared. And it doesn't. And it doesn't. Jamie, when was the last time you were scared in a movie?

Jump scares, or that's like cheap. Cheap scares. That doesn't count? No. It doesn't count. I don't go see scary movies at the theater. So you're always at home. So you know.

The Strangers. That one bothered me a little bit. see scary movies at the theater so so you're always at home so you know yeah yeah the strangers that one bothered me a little bit i was just checking the weather no i was just holding on to it like you're waiting for something to come in i was just sending out my instagram story oh your instagram story um but you know the strangers did you see that one no that one was with live tyler did they have like masks on yes they were outside the house trying to kill people yeah that one rocked me a little a little but not yeah it's something about the dark right you ever mind fuck yourself and you you think that there's like someone outside like you think you hear something you open your door you listen that actually has happened to me

i had a peeping Tom. Ooh. I had a real guy outside of my window. Did you know him? I didn't see him. I only heard him. Oh. My window was cracked and he started whispering to me through my window. Whoa.

I have a joke about it now because it was the only way I could deal with it without, you know, getting too paranoid about it. So I wrote a joke about it. But I did. I did. But every time time i tell people they're like that's terrifying and i'm like yeah that is terrifying but at the same time it's like it's kind of flattering kind of flattering he went out of his way to whisper all the windows he could have gone to he came to mine you know so but yeah did you ever see what the guy looked like i didn't but my neighbors so he came one night and i heard him he started whispering to me he was like can i

i'll just tell you what he said okay it was terrifying I was watching also let me give the setup I was watching Mulholland Drive have you seen are you a David Lynch that's what I had on um I'm a David Lynch fan and I had that I was probably like three o'clock in the morning and uh I sleep with my window open because my place does not have AC what What? I know. What? What do you live in, Montana? Yes. I just drove in for this today. The fuck? How could you live in LA?

It's city. My place is old and I think what happened was that it was built before AC was even invented. So the windows are even old school. So I can't even put like a portable, they crank open and the windows crank open like that.

So you can't even, I'd have to probably like get the manager to replace the window installments before I could even put an air conditioning in. How do you survive this summer? I don't know. I just leave during the day and then at night, I have fans. Jesus woman. No, I know.

It's awful. Or I just spend the night at a friend's place. That's the move. That is the move. I'll be here now. Now I know the address. Because it's so chilly. It's nice in here, right?

This is perfect. It's got its own thermostat. This room does. This is amazing. I hate you. No, you don't. We're friends. How dare you try to make me feel bad?

Don't feel bad for your accomplishments. No, this is what I want. I want that pink Himalayan salt light right there. You can have that one. I can take that? Yeah, you can take that. We got an extra one. What do you mean? We got an extra one. Who just has random pink Himalayan salt light right there. You could have that one. I could take that? Yeah, you could take that. We got an extra one. What do you mean? We got an extra one. Who just has random pink Himalayan salt rocks?

Joe Rogan. You have a stuffed werewolf outside in a float tank. Whatever. I don't think it's stuffed. It's not stuffed? It would have to be like a real thing and then you kill it. That is what it is, right? That wasn't real? No. Imagine if it was. I guess a polar bear is scarier than that. If anybody were to have an actual werewolf, it would be you.

Can I finish my peeping Tom story now? Yes. I'm sorry. Please keep. So I heard him outside. Was it hot out? It was the summertime. I think it was probably like July.

This was I think like two years ago. Yeah. It wasn't awful. It wasn't like it is like now because this is I think like two years ago yeah it wasn't it wasn't awful it wasn't like it is like now um because this is kind of new I don't think LA has ever been this hot in like the beginning of July so that's the end of days um so anyway I was in my bed watching Mulholland Drive and I had been like in and out of like falling asleep and then all of a sudden I heard like a outside of my window but I thought at first, I thought it was the movie.

Because I was like, David Lynch is a weird dude. Maybe this is like a director's choice to creep people out, to put murmuring in the background. I did. I thought that at first, so I ignored it.

And then probably 20 minutes later, I was like, something's telling, my gut was like, that's not the movie. So I hit mute, and all of a sudden I heard, come on baby, rub that's not the movie. So I hit mute. And all of a sudden I heard, come on, baby, rob that sweet pussy.

Wow. So you're on the first floor? I'm on the first floor of my duplex. That's a problem anyway, right? It is. Well, you know, anyone that's on the first floor, your upstairs neighbors are problematic because it sounds like they wear horseshoes and they're bowling all the time. So yeah, the whole thing, living on the first floor is not a good idea.

But we have bars on most of the windows. So that's not an issue. I wasn't scared he was going to come in because the window's open, but then there's bars in front of it. So I wasn't terrified about that. But as soon as that happened, what was funny was that Ian Edwards,

you know Ian Edwards. I do, very well. Very funny comic. Working with him tonight. Do I have at the store? No. The Ice House. The Ice House. OK.

Yeah. No. He was staying with me at the time because he had just sold his place in Reseda, which isn't far from here. And then he was in our extra room at the apartment. So I was like, Ian, I think there's somebody outside. Can you like... You went to get Ian to go?

Who? That was all I had. What are you saying about Ian? You don't think he could protect me? He's Jamaican. He's crazy. I love Ian with all my heart. But he's a vegan and he weighs 18 pounds.

He weighs less than me. Yeah. I'm careful when I hug him. I hug you. I hug you more firmly than I hug Ian. I'm trying to get him to eat meat. He told me he'll eat some of my elk meat. No, he said he will. Yeah.

He just won't. He said he will. I don't believe him. You don't believe him? No. You think he's lying? Yeah, I think he's just doing that to appease me. No, no.

He's asked me several times. To try elk. Yeah, he wants me to cook elk for him and he'll eat it because he'll know it's a hunted animal. Oh. Because he's a vegan. Yeah, yeah. He doesn cook elk for him and he'll eat it because he'll know it's a hunted animal. You know, because he's a vegan, he doesn't want to eat anything that was killed like from a factory farm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't eat meat either.

Like I do occasionally. I'll have fish. When Ian and I fly, every time we fly together, I take a picture of him five minutes into the flight because he's always like this. Out cold. Five minutes in. I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? It's first thing in the morning. We're supposed to be up. Like you just woke up. How are you going back to sleep? He's always so tired. out cold five minutes in i'm like dude what the fuck man it's first thing in the morning we're

supposed to be up like you just woke up how are you going back to sleep he's always so tired and i do i go dude you gotta get blood work done it's your fucking diet i know it is you can do that vegan diet right but you got to be very disciplined you have to yeah you have to take all sorts of different supplements right and you have to use uh. You have to take algae. And even that's not the best source of B12. It's not as bioavailable as animal sources. You know, all the fat-soluble vitamins. It's just a nightmare. You've got to really be on the ball.

Yeah, he's not. He's not. No. Ian, I don't know if Ian's on the ball. He was just on my podcast the other day. And he talked. It's called The Struggle. The Struggle. The Struggle. Is that about life in L.A.? Yeah. With no A.C.? was just on my podcast the other day and he uh talked it's called the struggle and the struggle

the struggle so is that about life in la yeah well just yes that's an ongoing that that and my dating struggle or the ongoing dating dating and uh not having air conditioning and you had a nice fellow with you at the comic store the other night he seemed like a good guy he has since departed yes launched him it was very brief yeah well you seem like a nice guy. He has since been- Departed? Yes. Launched him? It was very brief. Yeah. Well, he seemed like a nice fellow. I thought so, too.

It's not that he's not nice. He just lives a lifestyle that I just can't, that we're not compatible. We'll still be friends, I think. I think we can get to the point where we'll be friends. Because we were friends first. So I think we can maintain that if I can't, you know. The struggle. Everything's a struggle.

It's real. The struggle is real. It is. That's why I have people on. And we just talk about stuff that everyone's struggling with something and multiple things usually. Well, I find this is just a rationalization, but I'm good at those. I find that women, when they're in the prime of their life, not like 20, but as an actual grown woman with a career, and if they're smart and independent, they have a really hard time finding the right man.

Absolutely. Yeah. It's my life. If you're a dingbat and you'll morph into whatever lifestyle your new boyfriend chooses, then you can be okay. Yeah, because you don't know who you are. But it's hard for a girl to find. First of all, it's hard for a girl who's strong and smart to find a guy who's not intimidated by that. Preach, Rogan, preach.

It is. I know. Who are you talking to? You. This is my life. I know. And I know so many women who are in my situation so many who are just like women educated know what they want independent have money and just like don't need a

man but just want one right but the dudes can't handle it well well it's hard it's hard both ways it's hard finding quality human beings to spend time with. Absolutely. Especially in LA. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever it is. It's hard. It's hard finding the right, I mean, yeah, especially in LA, especially in our line of work. We're in the attention business. We get attention professionally, right? And make people laugh. That's the business. It's a fucking tricky business. I don't know what you're talking about. But listen, you have one of the healthiest attitudes. You really do. I always say this about you.

Whenever we're at the store, you have the grind spots. You get those grind spots at the store. I do. You get those 12 o'clock spots, 11.30. Those are the grind spots. That show's been on for three and a half hours by the time you get on. That's rough, but you always

have a positive attitude. Thank you. Always happy, always smiling. Everybody's always happy to see you. People are never like, oh, it's that Candace.

I feel like some people do, but those are the haters. I don't know who they are. I don't associate with those people. Yeah. But all my friends are always happy to see you.

You're very happy. I am very happy. It's my parents love me. Ah, there it is. Well, that's, you're fucked then. You're never am very happy it's my parents love me ah there it is well that's yeah you're fucked then you're never gonna make it in this town that's what i talk about i talk about that all the time i say if my parents had been just a little bit more abusive you know i could have had five sitcoms by now if my dad had just pulled a joe jackson at least just once or twice yeah r.i.p joe jackson he just passed away well r.i.p joe jackson we were just

reading about him. People have been sending me these things that Dr. Conrad Murray says that Michael Jackson was chemically castrated. Oh, yeah. I heard about that. Yeah. I said that a long time ago that I thought he was a castrato. Is that the word for being castrated? A castrato is something that they used to do to young boys to get them to sing opera better. You ever heard of this before? I wonder if Aaron Neville has. I don't think so.

I think he's just doing a falsetto. When you hear him talk, he talks like a man. Michael Jackson also talks like this too, by the way. That was fake though. Did you hear? Speaking of this Conrad Murray, his voice was like this. Conrad Murray has a recording on his phone that he just played.

There was some documentary I just watched. And it was Michael Jackson's last words. Like on his deathbed. Here's his deep voice. See? See? Get open the door. See? Get the fuck out of here.

That sounds like a girl. It does not. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. Not this. Okay, listen. When that is his deep voice,

that sounds like he's got a cold. Sounds like my eight-year-old when she has a cold. No one said it was deep, but it's not. This is what... And why do all of them talk like that? Why does Janet talk like this? And Latoya? Because they all got beaten by their dad. But what does that mean?

They were scared. So now they all have this... Stay low-key. So they have to talk like chipmunks? If you read the stories, the chemical castrato... Oh, yeah, yeah. Hear this.

Play her a sound of a real castrato because there's only one recording from the early 1900s. It was like some of the last of the castratos because they don't do that anymore. I hope not. But they used to do it. It was very common.

People would give their children to the opera. Awful. Will they get us kicked off YouTube? Jamie's gotta do some finagling. We get kicked off YouTube all the time for shit. Yeah. If we play things that are other people's copyrights.

Yeah. This is a boy? This is a boy. Yeah. This is what, that's what he used to look like. I mean, you know, he was castrated, so he had no hormones. His body did not produce testosterone. And so this is a grown adult male singing like this. Why wouldn't they just let the women sing it? No, because it's a different thing.

It's a different sound. Like, the women sound beautiful and they sound like women, but there's a sound that a castrato has. And that's a Michael Jackson sound. The sound is an extremely feminine man. Look, it's real. You see Tito and all the other Jacksons. They don't sound nothing. Jermaine.

No one looks or sounds anything. No, he was definitely the standout. So you think they did this to him when he was a kid? This is what Conrad Murray says. Look, it makes sense. If you look at his body, he didn't have any muscle tone. He was very slender. He looked like he had no testosterone.

He sounded like a girl. He sang like a girl. Yeah. Tell him that it's human nature. Why, why? Actually, it's not bad. Think about that. Think about that voice. Who the fuck sings like that? It's a man. Why? It actually is not bad. Think about that. Think about that voice.

Who the fuck sings like that to a man? No, you're right. And I always thought he, I never pictured him like for, took him for a sexual person at all.

Like when people were like, they said he was touching little boys. I never believed that. I always felt he was asexual. I didn't get any type of sexual, any chemistry

or any type of tension at all from him. Did you check him out with like a detector yeah i have a with a device i have a gate you know the gator i have the actual see what kind of vibes this dude i bought mine on amazon yeah i think um it's entirely possible that's true because i i thought about that we we talked about that for years i was like dude i'm telling you i heard those castratos i know about that i guarantee you joe jackson knew about that for years. I was like, dude, I'm telling you, I heard those castratos. I know about that. I guarantee you Joe Jackson knew about that, too.

I bet they did that to that kid. That's awful. Turns out they did. They used chemical castration. I heard that that had happened, but I always thought it was like, for some reason, I thought it was when he was an adult. I thought it was like a personal choice that he made. Ooh. Whoa.

No, I think the idea was his dad was trying to preserve his voice. I didn't know that so wait a chemical castration is that does that mean but with what like it's a good question is it something that you take that doesn't like shrivel up your balls but like something that just makes you in like in like you don't have the ability to produce testosterone anymore well let's find out here it says allegations are jo Joe had Michael receive hormone injection when he was 12 years old in an effort to cure his acne and prevent his voice from deepening. An allegation Murray previously made in his 2016 self-published book, This Is It, The Secret Life of Dr. Conrad Murray and Michael Jackson. Hmm.

Yeah. Jackson. Hmm. Yeah. He said Joe was physically abusive to him and his siblings while growing up but never mentioned undergoing any sort of hormonal treatments. But this is what Conrad Murray says. I just don't know. I mean Who do you believe? It's hard. They both sound like crazy people. The reason why I believe it is because

of the way he sounded. Right. It just makes sense. And his dad was just a ruthless prick. He was known as being a horrible person. Yeah. But why would he only do that to one of his sons? Because he was the only one that was young enough to do it to. If you look at the Jackson 5, when they were taken off, like, oh, baby, give me one more chance.

He was five, six years old. Everybody else was grown. It was too late. Yeah. They were all deep. They were already grown men. And this was the voice abc i mean he was so fucking cute too they try to keep that going forever that's what i think that's unfortunate it's scary well he's he's a cautionary tale you know and i think there's a level of fame that you get to where you just fucked up yeah you got too fucking famous yeah but isn't it isn't it also like that a certain type of person only wants that

level of fame right like have you ever thought about like people who get to like for example like donald trump level because it doesn't just apply to like the entertainment industry, but like CEOs who these multi-billion dollar, own these multi-billion dollar corporations. Like it takes a certain type of person to even want that type of clout, you know? Right. And I don't know. I think that there's something in that as well. I don't know. I think there's a pursuit involved in all these things where you start off just chasing

money and you start out and then you get involved in a game and it's all about numbers it's all about putting scores up you know and i think as those scores continue to pile on you continue to get more excited about your progress and you want to keep going further if someone makes a million dollars a year they don't go that's good that's good enough no they go i want two million yeah they make two million i want a mansion they get a mansion i want a jet they They get a mansion. I want a jet. They get a jet. I want a fucking island.

I have always wondered, like, when is it enough for people? Because, like, I'm the type of person. I don't think I would be like that. Like, if I had $25 million and somebody was like, you have to do this to get another $25 million, depending upon what it is, if it was something that I didn't believe in or something that wasn't aligned with my morals, I'd be like, I already have $25 million. Yeah, I don't need it that bad.

Well, yeah, I mean, that's different, though. You're saying, like, if something was not aligned with your morals. But if you had $25 million and you had an opportunity to make $30 million. Well, yeah. Just to work a couple extra hours a week, Candice. No big deal. Is that all it takes? Yeah, maybe just a few.

Oh, well, that's fine. Five extra hours a week, an extra hour a day, and we could ramp you up to $30 million a year. Well, I would do that. Yeah, you would do that. I would do that. And then they go, listen, Candice, we can get you really close to $75 million a year, but you're going to have to work 12 hours a day.

I'm sorry, I can't. But people will come up to you and go, Candice- 12 hours, I can't. Candice, I know what you're saying. I to work 12 hours a day. I'm sorry, I can't. But people will come up to you and go, Candice, I know what you're saying. I know you think it's hard, but listen, we've got some Adderall and we've got some massage therapists that'll be on staff. And if we do this for a few years,

you retire comfortably. For the rest of your life, you live in Ibiza. You fucking chill out in a hammock. I don't know. It never happens. That's the thing. That Ibiza thing never happens. The hammock, you never get in a hammock.

You just keep making money. But see, for me, it would come. The only reason I'm working is so I can stop working. Oh. Really? Yes. What you gonna hit? What number? I would be fine with... I'm gonna go with

$200 million. That's all you need? Wow. You're low maintenance. Jesus Christ. How much is it to buy an island? Depends on where it is. If it's where hurricanes hit all the time, bet you get it cheap.

I get it for 75. Somebody, Richard Branson bought one last year and right after he bought it, it got destroyed. Literally to the point where there are no living humans for the first time in 300 years

on this island. Oh no. He didn't do research? Well, it just got unlucky. He just bought it and right after he bought it, literally the epicenter of the hurricane washed over it and just flattened the entire island. I don't mean, if you're listening

to this, Richard Branson, I don't mean to laugh at you. Yeah, pull up that story. Branson's Island. Last time we talked about it, it's Necker Yeah, pull up that story. Branson's Island. What was the last time you talked about it? It's Necker Island, the one that he's owned for a while.

It's going to be reopened in a couple months. Oh, so they redid it? Yeah, it's back to normal. Necker? Necker. I don't like the way that's said.

It's too close. It's like niggardly. You know that word? It means selfish, right? Isn't it like selfish and stingy? People are saying don't use that word anymore

because it sounds too much like that other word. Well, it does, but it's not the same word. Isn't it like selfish and stingy? People are saying don't use that word anymore because it sounds too much like that other word. Well, it does, but it's not the same word. I know it's not, but it's tricky. It is tricky. You have to pronounce every letter. Yes. Negardly. Negardly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a problem. You know, it's weird when words are okay sometimes, like pussycat. Yeah. Right? You have to have another.

Yeah. But pussyfart. Right you gotta say right not change the game it's not the same you can't say that on daytime talk that is weird though right you can say pussycat yeah but if you say pussy one two three cat yeah that's like hey i don't like what you did there unless you you named your cat Pussy. Ooh, yeah, I guess. Octopussy, remember that? That was a big deal. Everybody's like, what is this? No, I remember seeing that.

This is what I think was when we lived in New York. It was a movie, right? Yes. Yeah. 007. Yeah, seeing it like I was a kid and I remember seeing it like, and I was like, oh, that's a bad word. It is a bad word.

Yeah, I wasn't allowed to say it. What were they doing? That was like a, they's a bad word. It is a bad word. Yeah, I wasn't allowed to say it. What were they doing? That was like a, they got a loophole in there. Yeah. Yeah. There's some words that are like that. Well, how about a dude named Dick?

Yeah, I don't know any. Or Dick Cheney. If anyone deserves that name. Yeah, perfect. Like, I don't know anyone. I don't think, I think that's like one of those older school ones. Like, I feel like no one goes by,

if your name is Richard, you go by Richard or Rich now. I don't think anybody's like, yeah, call me Dick. You know what the weirdest one is? Jack. Like if you're John, your nickname's Jack. Wait, no one's name is just Jack? Yeah.

My nephew's name's Jack. Well, who? But John, if you use John. They just call me Jack? The nickname is Jack. I never knew that. Like John Kennedy, they used to call him Jack Kennedy. Oh, yeah, I did know that then. Yeah. His you use John. They just call me Jack. The nickname is Jack. I never knew that. Like John Kennedy. They used to call him Jack Kennedy.

Oh, yeah. I did know that then. Yeah. His name was John. That's so weird. It's the same amount of letters, isn't it? Isn't it? It's so stupid.

That doesn't make any sense. Are there any ones like that for girls? Well, there's, uh, no. No. Not that I can think of of i can't think of one right there's not just name him jack it's a completely different name it's a totally different name it sounds different yeah yeah can we talk about since we're on the on the nickname thing so you know we're not allowed to say tranny anymore right you just said it i know

because i don't i personally don't find anything wrong with the word. And now someone could very well say, well, you're not transgender, Candace. You're not bothered by it. You know, yes, it doesn't affect you. But I I don't know anyone that really used it in a derogatory way. You know, you know, it was just a word that we said to refer to this type of person. But to me, it sounds adorable. Like to me, it's just the nickname for transgender to say tranny. It's like Jennifer, you call somebody Jenny. Well, there's a lot of policing of language as of late and it's ramped up because the internet, because people can complain more.

Yeah. But I think the problem is that it's not, you're not putting any respect on that name. Is that what it is? It's a respect? It sounds like it's a... Remember when Birdman went to visit Charlemagne? Put some respect on my name. Is that what it is? It's a respect? It sounds like it's Remember when Birdman went to visit Charlemagne? Put some respect on my name. It's respect. Respect.

Put some respect on my name. Did you see that? Did you see that interview? I didn't see that one. It came in apparently Charlemagne had been talking some shit about Birdman. So Birdman came in with a giant crew. And he's like, put some respect on my name. And then he got up and left. And then he slept. That's all he said. That was the whole conversation. And Charlemagne's going, put some respect on my name. And then he got up and left. And then he slept. That's all he said. That was the whole conversation.

And Charloé's going, okay, all right. I love beefs. Here it is. You want to watch? Yeah, yes, please. It's going to play it. Yeah. He's got stars all over his head.

Look crazy. Look that guy's got. Nigga, when my name come up, respect it. Respect. Stop playing with my fucking name. All drill, y'all. Stop playing with my name. I ain't going to Respect. Stop playing with my fucking name. All drill, y'all. Stop playing with my name. I ain't going to say it no more.

Hilarious. And that was it. That's it. Put some respect on my name. I love beefs, man. Were you following the Drake and Pusha T rap theme? I tried to not. Why?

I tried to avoid it. Because Jamie brings these up. He comes in. Did you hear about what's happening with Drake? Turns out Drake has a kid with a porn star. Yeah. Yeah. I get it all from Jamie.

Jamie's the gossip news. He's the TMZ of this studio. It gives me so much life. Why do you love that? Just because I love hurt feelings, man. I love. I do. I do.

When it's like celebrities. Oh, like they can get their feelings hurt. Of course. Fuck love. I do. I do. When it's like celebrities. Oh, like they can get their feelings hurt. Of course. Fuck them. They can. Fuck them. Because all they're doing is bragging and talking about all the money they have. So it's like they.

What if they're not braggy? What if they're like. What rapper is not braggy? Rapper. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Like rap beefs. Yeah.

Yeah. So if there was a beat between like Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson, would you like that? I mean, that also would be entertaining. That would also be entertaining. I'm not going to lie. I would like to see one of them cry. I'm here for it.

Why do you like hurt feelings? Because we're all human. We all get our feelings hurt. Okay. And it's nice to bring, you know, humble people sometimes. Like, oh. Do you think if you're happier in your own life, you wouldn't like hurt feelings as much? You just talked about me being a very happy person.

Happier? I'm not saying you're totally 100% fulfilled. You were saying earlier that you can't find a good man. That doesn't mean I'm not fulfilled. Maybe my vagina is. But the rest of me, spiritually and emotionally. You're happy even without. So you're so happy.

I'm a very happy person. I've been single most of my life. I believe it. What's that supposed to mean? That you're happy. Oh. I believe you've been single most of your life. I've always said that you're happy.

You have. We just got done. You have. How many years have I known you? You've been nothing but friendly. Yeah, no. I mean, what's to be mad about? Yeah.

I'm just a grateful person. I wake up every morning and I'm like, I'm just happy to be living this life. It's a great life. It is a great life. I mean, if you can make a living as a stand-up comedian. Yeah. It's about as good as it gets. It is.

Well, yeah, if that's what you want. But even people who, you know, who don't do stand-up want to kind of be stand-ups. They want to do comedy. You think so? A lot of people do. A lot of DJs do. Radio DJs. They all secretly want to be comics. They think they're hilarious. There's a lot of themjs do radio djs they all secretly want to be comics they think they're

hilarious there's a lot of them to do they secretly absolutely that you come in and do morning radio and they're like it's like the closest thing to it i think right yeah because what i'm trying to think of another profession which is like stand-up comedy where you can like tell jokes and people listen to you in the mass in the masses you know but i think yeah probably a radio dj is the closest thing to that some radio djs that are dicks you know some of them they get kind of ego-y i think that's what really what it is they also want to keep you on your heels because they know that you could do their job but they can't do your job like you could just be a radio dj that shit isn't hard yeah we're kind of doing it now yeah we are doing it now. You host a podcast.

Yeah. You know how to do it. Yeah. You can easily take over some fucking radio show. Yeah. Tell that dude to go on. Put some music breaks in there. Tell that dude to go on your spot.

11 45 in the fucking OR after Joey Diaz. Bitch, good luck. Good fucking luck. Yeah. That's the, I, I find like with dudes just in general

because it is mostly dudes. I don't find women like competing with me to be funny most of the time that aren't comics but like even dudes who aren't comedians like if I go on a date with them or we're dating it's like they always try to like one up me. They try to one up you even though they know you're a comic? Yeah.

You know dudes they always want to just be the funny ones. Even if they're not comics. they want to be the funny one. And it's like, you don't have to be. And if you're dating me, I don't need that. It's always good to have a dude that can make me laugh, but I don't expect that. But could you deal with a dude that's not funny at all? No, no, no.

No, no, no. He doesn't. No, I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor. No, no, no. I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor no no no i don't want a dude who has no sense of humor at all but i would like a dude who could like who can riff with me but also not intimidated by me and doesn't feel like he'd be funnier than that's gonna be your problem forever what that well then i guess i'll just be single forever forever get a robot boyfriend they're talking about making robot girlfriends. I'm going to get a sex robot boyfriend.

Get a robot boyfriend. Yeah, if they can open jars. Go to Candace's house. It'll be good. The fucking Hulk answers the door. Every time his eyes move, you hear, I'm like, what the fuck, Candace? What are you up to?

Well, Ian couldn't save me. The Hulk will. He fucks me and then he stays outside, looks out for peeping Toms. And he stands guard outside my window. Hulk, protect you. I don't know. I wonder how many women are going to get that.

Because I know guys are going to get that. A hundred percent. Did you see Ex Machina? I've loved it. Fucking great movie. I loved it. Loved it. It's one of my favorite movies ever.

Yeah, no. I watch it every minute I can. Yeah, I've watched that movie at least three times. Yeah. But that scene, like when that guy had those girls, they were his girlfriends. You know, like the Japanese lady was dancing with them. Yeah, that was my favorite scene. Yeah.

That is 100% going to happen. There's no way that's not going to happen. Of course it's going to happen. 100%. Y'all don't want to talk to women. Why do you lump me in with all those other dudes not you not you i mean you're look at you you're talking to a woman right now yep i'm i just realized i'm i saw uh because you know i be watching the podcast and so you had a another

black candace on not too long ago candace owens. I'm the one that's not in the sunken place. Sunken place? What's the sunken place? Did you see Get Out? Have you not seen Get Out? Oh, I haven't seen that yet. Yet? What are you waiting for?

It's not in theaters anymore. I know. Well, most movies I don't watch in the theaters. Most movies. Well, yeah, you're a celebrity. You can't go. No, I go to the movies. Do you?

Yes. Then why did you say you just can't? You said you can't go to the movies? I can't go to all of them. Oh. I don't have time. Well, that was a really good one. You should't go. No, I go to the movies. Do you? Yes. Then why did you say you just can't? You said you can't go to the movies? I can't go to all of them. I don't have time. That was a really good one. You should have gone. If I go to one movie a month, it's a lot. So I miss a lot of movies.

Okay. I go to little kids movies. I have kids. I go to see The Incredibles. Do you see The Incredibles? Not yet. It's really good. I heard.

It's really good. It's better than the first one. Is it? Yeah, it's really good. I wanted to see that the other night, but I got talked into going to see, I call it Black Purge. What's Black Purge? It's called the first purge. You saw, did you see the original purge?

Yes. Well, now there's a black one. There is? And it's supposed to be the first purge. Then it tells the origin of how the purge system started in America and it's with black people mmm I didn't enjoy it I didn't enjoy it for many reasons there was acting problems I felt in it there was acting problems I I don't know the names of the people that i felt the acting

bothered me but i i didn't enjoy that and the story i just felt like it's one of those ones where it's like the premise is really good but it's just not executed well like the idea of like oh shit i want to see that and then you go see it it was a very it was a letdown so uh candace owens is in the dark place is that what you said sunken place how so what do you mean how so she's a black chick who's like caping for trump caping yeah what is caping like rooting for on his team oh i've never heard that term yeah supporting yeah yeah so i can't i mean by nature i don't understand that and she's a woman she's a black woman you don't understand it no i don't what is there to understand like someone you're a womanizer who has been also accused of rape on numerous occasions also been you know has a history of

racism from his family like his father his father used to in his apartments used to deny uh renting apartments to brown and black people so like that he was raised with that so like and you know calling mexicans rapists, like I can't. There's no explanation for supporting. Yeah, I think as a black woman.

She found the niche. She did. I think that's exactly what it is. I think that, I don't even think necessarily she believes what she says.

Like I think that she was like, oh, this is a way for me to get famous because there are how many black, she's,

you know, she is, she's like the brand new Omarosa. She's like, she's like new Omarosa. I had Omarosa was on Fear Factor back in the day. She was? She's like the brand new Omarosa. She's like new Omarosa. I had Omarosa was on Fear Factor back in the day.

She was? She's crazy. She accused me of being drunk. On the show? Yeah, I was talking to her. Well, she didn't make any sense. And so I was saying, I don't understand what you're saying. She goes, Joe, are you drunk? And I go, no.

She goes, I smell liquor on your breath. I go, no, you don't. I'm not drunk. I was high as fuck, but I wasn't drunk. That's so bizarre. Yeah, no. I think she just was you don't. I'm not drunk. I was high as fuck, but I wasn't drunk. That's so bizarre. Yeah, no. I think she just was like Omarosa's out of the picture.

I'm a step up. You think so? She could be. Honestly, have we ever seen Tommy Lahren and her in the same room? Because I think she could be Tommy Lahren in blackface.

Wow. That's how I feel. That's rough. I mean, it's accurate. I think she needs more than blackface. You need to change your nose a little bit.

There's more. Do something with your hair. change your nose a little bit. There's more. Do something with your hair. It could have been a wig. There's a couple of those girls that are interchangeable. There's Lauren Southern and Tommy Lahren. I always get them confused. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.

I honestly don't even know what Lauren looks like. They look similar, though? Blonde hair? They're both cute, blonde conservatives. There's a market for that. Of course there is, because that's not the norm. Anything that's outside the norm is going to stick out and you're going to be like, oh, this is trendy now. Like this is what our party now is represented by.

And they're expecting that they're going to attract that younger demographic, the millennials. And it is working somewhat. Well, it's definitely getting there some attention I know it's it's hard to tell what someone really believes and what they want you to believe right it's hard to tell like global warming doesn't exist wow that one see what that is to me when she said that that's indicative of someone who's trying to follow a line. Like there's a line that you're supposed to follow if you are a hardcore Republican supporter. And it's like industry is good.

Big business is good. Regulation is bad. Right. You know, and then the big one is global warming is a hoax. Or at least global warming is something that's greatly exaggerated by these environmentalists in order to fund Al Gore's blah blah blah. You go down these lines where everybody on the left believes one thing

and everybody on the left. There's certain things where you have to believe if you're on the right and certain things you have to believe if you're on the left. Even if it makes you sound batshit crazy. Like denying facts. There's a few of those. Statistics. If you're right wing, you have to be pro-life pretty much right very few right wing people that are pro-abortion which is why isn't that what happened with rights right isn't that what happened with tommy larren though like didn't she lose she lost some contract she had it may have been with fox i don't remember

but because she came out as saying she was pro-choice yeah so yeah that was the and she suffered yeah it's interesting it's interesting when it happens like you're not allowed to have varying opinions or you know, you know, it's like an almost cult-like It's very cult-like. It's it's definitely a tribe. I mean, that's that's what happens. I haven't watched that my wife's obsessed It's oh, yeah. There's a new episode that comes out today. I gotta watch it But now it's one episode and I was like, this is just too fucked up it's too real and in hell it's too real you see the parallels like the the kids getting separated from their moms and it's just like this is literally happening right now it's terrifying yeah that to me is one of the darker moments of this this era this uh the knowledge that thousands of kids get separated from their parents as they cross the board they're like what

what the fuck are we doing? And I don't, there's no excuses. A lot of people, there's a video that I made. It was just a rant on the podcast about it with my friend Duncan. You know Duncan Trussell. We've met only a couple times, but I don't know him very well. But everyone loves him. So we did this rant, or I did this rant about it, and it got made into a video.

And then all these people are like, you know, you don't understand the real issue on the border. If the real issue on the border is separating parents from their kids, that's not the real issue, you fucking idiot. Right. It's supposed to be keeping criminals out. You think that lady and her baby are criminals? Are criminals. And it's just, you imagine, I mean, people can't imagine what it'd be like to live in Mexico right next to the United States. It's right there. You're right there. You just walk over there and get a job you're right there and meanwhile over here you're fucked to a better life right over here your cousin got killed by the

cartel for looking at somebody wrong at a taco stand you know and then you just and nobody nobody ever goes to jail for it do you know how many fucking politicians they killed in mexico this year you know the the number somebody was just telling telling me. Yeah, it's more than 100 this year. Politicians murdered in Mexico. That's the go-to place if you're going to murder somebody, right? Like, it's right there. Oh, yeah. Take them over there.

And they never investigate anything. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. Here, what's the number, Jamie? 132. 132 politicians killed this year. 132? Yep.

How do we know this? Mexico goes to the polls this weekend 132 politicians have been killed since campaigning began fuck that is crazy record violence that's like this is all because of us this is all because of the drug war if we just made drugs legal there would be none of this going on yeah this is this is worse than when Pablo Escobar was out. Well, Pablo Escobar, it's a very similar situation. It's all fueled by drug money. All of this is drug money.

I mean, when you make drugs illegal, only criminals are selling drugs, and there's massive amounts of money because people love that cocaine. They do. They do. Have you ever tried cocaine? Never. Never? Me neither. Never.

I've tried. Good for you. Yeah, no, I won't. That's one I won't try. Like, I prefer, like, I've done shrooms and weed. And that's it. How often do you do shrooms?

Not often. How often do you do weed? I don't even, like, the only weed that I have is given to me. Like, you know, when I'll do, like, when I'll judge roast battle.

And they pay you in weed. They're like, here's a bag of weed. And then it takes me like years to go through it that's how that's how infrequently like i'll smoke when i'm with like friends but i'm not i don't drink by myself and i don't like when i go home like i've had a bottle of liquor a vodka that's been in my freezer over a year now what you're trying to say is you're healthy i'm very healthy yeah i'm very healthy when you smoke weed you ever get paranoid? This one time I did an edible. I ate too much.

So you know Jamar Neighbors? Sure. Very funny comic. He gave me an edible one time. And this was before anybody could just walk into a dispensary. Because now you just have to show your ID and you can get anything from the dispensary. But this is when you had to have a card. So he went in and got it for me. And it was this lemon bar that said award winning on it. And me being the weed novice, I was

like, Oh, this is going to be award winning because of the taste, right? It's like probably I was like, this is like a Paula Deen recipe. And so I ate like half of it. And I was by myself. And I woke up, I was laying down and I was in my bed. And I sat it and I was by myself and I woke up, I was laying down and I was in my bed and I sat up and I said, am I talking to myself? I'm not talking to myself. Oh my God. I am talking to myself.

I'm not talking to myself. I am. And I was saying this out loud. I had to check. I went on my phone to get on Twitter to see the, make sure the world was still happening. Cause I was like, I felt like I was in some weird twilight zone.

Yeah, it was awful. So I got on there and then I made I forced myself to go to sleep because I was like I can't be awake like this so I forced myself to go to sleep I woke up the next morning I was still high for like five more hours it was awful yeah I gave my friend an edible and he called me up a day later he said I'm still high. A day later. If you don't know what you're doing with it, because I had a conversation with someone else the other day and they were like, I ate four Rice Krispie treats. And I was like, why would you eat four of them? He called the cops.

He called the cops and then checked himself. He went to a hospital because he thought he was dying. Do you ever see the one where it was a 911 call? The cops took weed from these people, they pulled them over, and then the cops used the weed to make pot brownies, and then they ate the pot brownies? No. And they called 911 on themselves? Hilarious.

They called for an ambulance, they said they were dying, please send help, time's moving very slowly. But what's hilarious is, it's a fucking 911 call from a cop. From a cop. From a cop. And the cop is calling to get an ambulance because he's saying the time is moving slowly. And they stole the weed from these fucking kids that they pulled over. The whole thing is just, it's brilliant. It's so funny.

Oh, drugs, man. It's one of my all-time favorite 911 calls because it's just so stupid. It's on YouTube? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll have to look it up. Yeah. You're like, can you please send help? Time's moving so stupid. It's on YouTube? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, can you please send help? Time's moving very slowly.

Want to play it? I was looking up an article about it. The cop had to he resigned before he got in trouble for A, taking the weed and B, using it. So he quit. Yeah, that's probably a good move. I mean, you're kind of, at that point, you kind of have to.

Yeah, he called 911 and we're talking about on a podcast years later everybody's heard that yeah I didn't you never that fucking I guarantee the video has probably been played a million times easily more than a million do you have a Jamie yeah I just I found this shorter version okay listen this poor fuck just Just think about this. To save... I think we're dead. Look at that lady laughing. See, pot is something that even when you're having an overdose, people laugh at you.

Because nobody dies. No one ever dies. And she's on the news. Those are the stiffest fucking people on the planet. You ever meet a real newscaster in real life? Once. They walk around like this. Once.

They walk around like robots. Like. They walk around like robots. Like robots? Yeah, they're like, hello, how are you? Oh, that's great. That's wonderful. They're always scared to say something wrong. It's interesting, like, because we're all kind of in the, you know, that's considered entertainment.

You know, they're on television. They're in front of a camera. They're not entertainers. They're just readers. Is that what it is? It's like people who don't have enough personality? They have zero personality. They're not entertainers. They're just readers. Is that what it is? It's like people who don't have enough personality? They have zero personality. That's the whole thing.

If you have any personality, they'll kick you off the air. Yeah. The only thing you can have is you could be one of those weather girls with a big ass. There's a few of those. I did note...

They got fat boobs, too. It's not just the asses. I noticed that. That was the first thing when I moved out to L.A. That was one of the first things I noticed with the la weather people or the weather women i would i was like they are hot hot as fuck have this back in cincinnati yeah yeah high heels yeah short skirts yeah talking about tornadoes and shit sticking their ass out pointing to weather patterns yeah there's one i think it's south america there's one famous lady she's like a

famous weathercast she's like one of the hottest women on the planet tiny little waist giant ass big tits she probably wears a waist trainer mate what are you hating on her yeah because i hate waist trainers bobby lee bought me one bobby lee bought you a waist trainer he took you know he takes me on the road with him sometimes and one time time we were in a CVS and I jokingly picked it up and I was like, Bobby, buy me this. And he did. And it was like $13. But no, I still have it. I never tried it.

But they're terrifying. They're corsets. I've read articles that you say you're not supposed to wear these things because it binds. It's bad for your organs, right? It moves your organs around. The Kardashians wear them. Do they? Yeah.

So that's why I'm like, I'm not going to be happy and promote that for women, hurting ourselves to look good. Good for you. Yeah. What's a weird look, too? I'd rather have a thick waist than have a kidney in my neck. Like a thick old- Yeah.

Just- Like a farm worker waist. Yeah. Well, not- Okay. Someone who can pick things up. Calm down. Someone who carries hay. I do have a- I'm like an athletic build, so I don't have a tiny waist. Yeah. Well, not. Okay. Someone who can pick things up. Calm down. Someone who carries hay.

I do have a, I'm like an athletic build, so I don't have a tiny waist. Does that bother you? No, it doesn't bother me. I like my body. You should. Is it good? You look great. You look great.

Thanks. Jesus. This is a conversation I never get into with guys. I like my body. I'm like, dude, you look good. Tell me you like my body, Joe. Say it, bro. I look good, bro. Is my body joe bro i look good bro is it okay am i okay i got a good kind of a thick waist though don't i do i i'm allowed to

say i have a thick waist you're not allowed to say it i can say it you can't say it like you can have thick thighs and a thick ass but even so, we can say that. And we know that men, some men or a lot of men like it. But being called thick never makes us feel good about ourselves. Even if we know that men like it, it still makes it. In the back of our head, we're like, does he mean I'm fat? What's all this we shit? There's guaranteed there's girls out there that like being thick. Yeah, of course.

Or being called thick. Of course. Of course. But you're saying we. But a lot of women. we but a lot of women because i know i've had conversations with other women that have been like oh look i used to be when i was in high school i was probably 20 25 pounds heavier than what i am right now what were you eating other lots of carbs lots of carbs lots i didn't know how to eat properly because so there was a whole low fat craze you remember this yes when snack wells was popping you remember that and they they were like no no fat high fat is bad so they started doing low fat everything but then they replaced the fat with sugar so it would taste palatable

you know because if you take the fat out the flavor is going so like how do we get the flavor back so they put a bunch of sugar and stuff so you're eating like thinking oh it's low fat i would come home and eat like a bag of like low fat pretzels think like a bag of those snyders of hanover that's a bag a big one of those big ones and be like why am i gaining weight because i didn't know i thought low fat meant oh i would it's low fat yeah no fat there's so much of that there's so many of those lowfat items that are just way worse for you. Yeah. I don't even think that's a thing. Now it's gluten-free.

Gluten-free is what's popular. Gluten-free and what's the other thing? I can't think. There's another thing that's kind of trending right now, but it's not just gluten. Ketogenic diets? Is that what you're talking about? No. I don't know what I're talking about? No.

I don't know what I'm thinking about. I literally had a brain fart. But there is something else. Maybe paleo. A trendy, a new trendy thing? Yeah, but it's all like nobody knows what the repercussions of any of these things are. Like paleo might be good for temporary, but in the long term, we don't know the damage it's going to be doing. Well, paleo is real simple. It's not going to do any damage.

Paleo is just real food. Paleo just means no grain and no rice. That's all it means. It's just no preservatives, no artificial flavors, no artificial colors, just meat, chicken, fish, vegetables. Meat, chicken, fish, vegetables, there's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to worry about that being a trend. This is going to be the low-fat trend. That's a normal thing

For people to eat You said fruits too They can do fruits Yeah Okay yeah That's fine Paleo can eat fruits Look there's people

That eat carnivore diet This is the more Most recent one Where they only eat meat No That's it No No?

No that's not good How do you know? That's not good I have a friend With pretty severe Autoimmune disease Yeah And it's gone

Because of eating Only carnivore diet. His daughter had her hip replaced and her ankle replaced. She has terrible arthritis with carnivore diet gone. Some people have a really adverse reaction to carbohydrates. But no fruits and vegetables? Nope. Nope.

He's not eating anything. And he's a professor. Yeah. Brilliant guy. What's his cholesterol look like? That's the thing. thing see people say things like that like you just said that that's not where cholesterol comes from dietary cholesterol doesn't have any impact on blood lipids it doesn't have any impact on your blood cholesterol this is where

cholesterol is bad when you have cholesterol and high carbohydrates because when your body is burning a lot of carbohydrates your body is in fat storing mode So if you eat a bunch of fat and carbohydrates, that's gonna get fat as fuck right But if you do just that if you eat just the fat fat then your body loses weight believe it or not You actually get slim. Yeah, no, I know about that part, but I didn't know the cholesterol part Yeah, you're not if you are this is one of the important thing for people if you are on a high fat low carb diet you cannot eat large amounts of carbohydrates because if you do it's just going to go right to fat because your your body just is not your body's confused what's going to burn the carbohydrates and it's going to take all the fat you take in and just store it

so you're just going to get fat as fuck. Well, with all this body positivity, how do you know that's not what I want? That you what? I want to get fat. Do you think so? So I can be body positive. Body positive. Is that what that is? It's just embrace the fatness. It's literally just being like, if you're fat, love your body. And that's fine. Like, you can be fat

and love your body. But it's also promoting, you know, unhealthy behaviors, I think also. And we need to distinguish between the two. Well, we want to give people a free pass by saying be body positive.

Yeah. You know, don't fat shame. Right. Like, leave people be. I have a black belt in fat shaming.

Are you good at it? I'm kidding. No, you do taekwondo? Yeah. I do fat shaming. Wow. Go to a dojo.

Look at this slob. Fat, stinky armpits it used to be easy to fat shame now people are super upset about it yeah no i know i'm not sure he's right i'm really not well it's not right but all i mean you shouldn't make fun of somebody for the way they look you know i don't think that's you shouldn't right but but we shouldn't be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. That too. And also, like Tom Segura said, that like people making fun of his weight is the reason why he lost weight. He's like fat shaming was very effective on me.

Yeah. He lost the weight because people were fat shaming him. Yeah. A lot of behaviors. A lot of behaviors are because you felt shame. And we're in a society where like there is no shame anymore. There's no shame anymore there's no shame with anything i know i know people that are like proud of their alcoholism yeah i've heard people

bragging about duis what i'm not kidding you're hanging around the wrong people they're not my friends okay i just have heard it so do you think that's an escape clause like they're just like they're giving themselves an out? Like, I love being an alcoholic. Fuck it. Yeah. I think to them it's because of we're accepting everything now that it's just like it's a it's just fun behavior. Like I'm fun when I'm drunk.

And it's just and that's fine. You can be fun. But also, you know, there's Ubers. Take a lift. Why are you driving? That's the problem. Yeah. Especially today.

There's no excuse for that, especially in Hollywood. I mean, that fucking Comedy Store parking lot, you can't get out of it because it's always jammed up with Lyfts and Ubers. Yep. Which is great, but also it is annoying. It's annoying. It's annoying. But it's great that people are choosing to have somebody drive them around.

Right. But still, the whole thing about Ubers is like, how much background check are they doing on those freaks? Yeah, no. I'm positive. around right still the whole thing about ubers is like how much background check are they doing on those freaks yeah no i'm i'm positive i've gotten in a lyft driver who's or uber driver because i don't i don't i used to do uber and then but they suck so i started doing lyft but yeah i'm sure i got an uber at one point where somebody was drunker than i was maybe let me get this yeah they're not checking them right no not at, not at all. Not at all. I just, I don't know.

I feel like being, because you don't drink at all, do you? I drink. You do drink? Yeah. Okay. I just feel like I have such a non-addictive personality, and I feel that most people are addicted to things. And that's why it's also tough for me, like, dating also. It's because I know that a lot of people that I have, you know, been on dates with or whatever,

it's like, oh, this lifestyle is not conducive to what I'm trying to do. So we just don't click in that way. Because you find you go on dates with guys who are getting fucked up a lot? Yeah, like a lot. A lot. A lot. Like every weekend? Woo!

Weekend. Nights. Yeah. Week nights. Yeah. Any day. Is it Tuesday? Woo! Why am. Weekend. Nights. Yeah. Weeknights. Yeah. Any day. Is it Tuesday? Why am I not drunk yet?

Right. Yeah. So yeah, I actually, the last app that I got on was like, it's called Meet Mindful. Because I wanted to like find people who were. Some yoga dude. Yeah. Somebody who is just more present and maybe likes themselves a little bit more so they don't have to get drunk all the time to be with themselves.

How'd that work out? Well, they were like, you got to pay $30 a month. And I was like, maybe I'm not looking for love right now. I paid before for like eHarmony. That's what I paid for that one. I paid almost $200 for that one. How would that work out? Terribly.

And that's why I'm hesitant to pay again because I got nothing. I got literally nothing from that. So I'm like, I Terribly. And that's why I'm hesitant to pay again because I got nothing. I got literally nothing from that. So I'm like, I feel like... That doesn't make any sense. I thought Ian Harmon, you like instantly find the love of your dreams and then you sit down with them on a couch and they do a video with you. I knew that as soon as I met Candace, she was the one.

I was on there for over a year. What? I called customer service and complained. What'd you say? Where's my dick? dick yeah where my dick at you promised me dick by month three or I get a refund you know I called and I said I would like a refund she was like why and I said these dudes are like fours like all of them and below they were just all of them were like the worst looking people I had ever seen. And she was like,

we have so many messages that you haven't responded to. I said, did you not hear my first complaint? Like, I'm not going to respond to any of these dudes. They were terrible looking and not just, not just like physically, but just like the photo,

like terrifying looking like serial killers. Like, don't know. Like pictures of just a forehead you don't even want to take a picture properly the dating app world's gotta be fucking weird you're so lucky

I know several people that are in the dating app world tell me about it they're swiping right all the time it's awful which one do you swipe right if you like them do you say swipe right you racist mother? Do you say swipe white? Right. You racist mother. How dare you.

I tried to swipe black, but there wasn't an option. There was a phase where I was swiping white. It didn't work out? No. I've dated a couple of white dudes in my life. Barely. Barely? Yeah.

One of them I think was gay. Another one was a pathological liar. I've dated two gay dudes, I think, was gay. Another one was a pathological liar. I've dated two gay dudes, I think. So out of your study group, white people are gay and pathological liars? Yes. And that's it. There's nothing else. Or the two are not mutually exclusive.

You could be gay and a pathological liar. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure it's possible. Yeah. You can have that combination. Joe, set me up with one of your friends. Okay'll try to find somebody for you serious yeah i'll try to find somebody really yeah yeah why are we saying it like not a not a like mma person oh you don't want to well how come i don't think i could handle that why not it's a lot of muscles you don't like muscles not that much okay like do you want? You want to do the work

once a week? Uh, maybe. Twice? Maybe twice? Maybe twice. Maybe twice, but it doesn't go crazy?

It does not go crazy. No one who gets up in the morning and runs early. I mean, they could do that. Psychos. I'll be meditating

while he's running. So that's fine. That'll work out. Yeah. Yeah, but I just don't want someone who like, might be on steroids.

Oh. Might be. Might be. Might be. Okay. I'll keep it in mind. It's gotta be hard. Like when you fill out one of them eHarmony things what do you have to write? You write what your occupation is. So much. What you're looking for. What do you write what you're looking for? Do you ever write I'm just looking for dick? No.

Do you write I'm looking for a meaningful relationship with the person of my dreams? Women already have to swat the dicks away without writing i'm looking for dick swat is dicks you walk outside and it's hey get out of here dicks no so yeah no you can't write that and if i wanted that i'd be on tinder you know oh it's tinder to move if you just want some dick you're so lucky you don't know about any of this. Tinder is the dick app. So if you just want some dick, Tinder's the way to go. And even Bumble is kind of turning into that. Do you think that...

I don't know what Bumble is. Is that a new one? Not new anymore. A newer one is Coffee Meets Bagel. I was on that one for a minute. I was reading this thing that said that there's a spread... This made me angry. It said, is Tinder and Grindr, are they responsible in any way for the spread of STDs from their apps?

Of course. No, they're not. Of course they are. They don't owe a goddamn thing to those horny freaks sticking their dicks in the... Absolutely. Like, they're not... They shouldn't be sued. Like, that's ridiculous.

But have they... Should they take responsibility? Take responsibility, no. But I guarantee that more people are hooking up because of these things. Right. These apps. Right. And doing it unsafely.

So what? That's not any skin off their back. No, I know. No, I know. I'm just. But it's a weird time where people are getting in trouble for things that other people are doing. Yeah, absolutely. Like you want people to be responsible.

No one's taking personal responsibility for their own mistakes. Like, yeah, put a condom on. What are you talking about? What are you doing? Yeah yeah i've heard stories about like gay dudes man they are so trifling look my friend a gay dude was telling me about what the behavior in gay uh in gay uh gyms how like they have in the shower there's a signal so that if you if you want somebody to come up in there and just ram you, send it home.

Yeah. You leave the curtain partially open. And that's kind of like a signal to be like, okay, if you want to come up in here and get some, you can. And I was talking to a friend. I was like,

what if you didn't know that rule and you accidentally leave the curtain open just because you didn't close it properly. Jesus. And all of a sudden some dude. Well, every time I've been in gyms around gay people, I used to belong to Gold's Gym on Cole. It's in West Hollywood. And that's where we used to film news radio

right down the street from there. Oh, yeah. So that was the gym that I worked at. It's a gay disco. That gym is a goddamn gay disco. And when I would go there, not that there's anything a goddamn gay disco and when i would go there not that's anything wrong with that but when i would go there it was you get that feeling that a girl gets all the time you're terrified well yeah that's like all these eyes on me someone trying to fuck you

i feel unsafe right now yeah it's a different feel like girls hitting on you is like if you want you can come over here guys hitting on you is like, if you want, I'll come over there. It's a different feeling. You sounded like Michael Jackson right there. Did I? Michael Jackson when he's not using his falsetto voice? But it's an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that guys want to fuck you. Like, I couldn't imagine being a girl just trying to navigate my way through dudes.

It's terrifying. Swatting dicks away. Swatting them. Swatting them. Yeah, I know. Crack. Having peeping Toms at your windows. It's a scary world out there so your neighbor when they found that guy was he hot no i still don't know what if he's hot and he said i'm sorry he's gonna be at my window hey girl

i'm sorry i came home from the club i was little drunk. I've always had this thing for you. I can't believe I was whispering. Hit your pussy. It's disrespectful. I apologize. What if he says it like that? Would you like me to take you out for drinks and just, we'll make up to you. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Well, you know, you put it like that. Who am I to turn down? Here's my eHarmony profile. I don't know. The terrifying part is that I don't know who it was. And that. Who am I to turn down? Here's my eHarmony profile. I don't know. The terrifying part is that I don't know who it was. And it could have been, it could be someone I know. And even the way my neighbors described him was that it actually, the way they described him did describe someone that I know and consider a friend.

Oh. But then when I showed my neighbor the picture of the person I was talking about, they were like, no, I don't think that's him. But still now in the back of my head, I'm like, what if it was? So now my friendship with this person has been a little strained because of it. So I'm like, I don't trust you. Whoa. I know. It's weird.

That is weird. That's the life of a girl. Women have to worry about shit that guys don't have to worry about. I know. So many things. Yeah. There are no girls outside your window whispering good well they are but it's because you dated them before and you wronged them and

you cheated on them or did something and now she's stalking you or you found out they're crazy and they know where you live now yeah yeah i love um i'm i'm very interested in all of like like relationship behavior and like crimes of passion. I like all of it. I'm very into it. Like those A&E shows? Yeah, A&E or like Snapped on Oxygen. Have you ever seen that?

When people snap? Yes. Mostly women. It's mostly women. Sometimes it's the men. Of course, it's Oxygen. It is Oxygen. That's the women's channel, right?

Absolutely. Yeah, that lifetime. Why is Oxygen a women's channel? I don't know. Oxygen is like air. We need that. Yeah, right? Absolutely. Yeah, that lifetime. Why is oxygen a women's channel? I don't know. Oxygen is like air. We need that. Yeah, so everybody needs that. I don't know.

But yeah, we were, I was watching Snaps. I watch it, not so much anymore, but it's been on for a long time. But every episode is like a different couple and the woman is just like, can't put up with the shit anymore. Like her dude's cheating on her or like taking her money or abusing her or whatever and then she snaps and she kills him. Well, you always there's always a spoiler alert

for every show. You know where it's going to go. She just couldn't take it anymore. It's in the title. Gee, I wonder when she's going to snap. And then finally, Wendy snapped. That's my only thing.

I don't want to be a victim of a crime of passion. Just don't, you know, just break up with me. You don't have to kill me. Yeah. I hear you. That's a reasonable request. What's the craziest thing? What's the craziest thing a girlfriend has ever done to you?

Have you gotten your car keyed before? No. No. I've been pretty good at navigating those waters. I've got pretty good crazy radar. Oh, yeah? The problem is when they're really hot. When they're really hot and they're also crazy, like, damn, this might be worth the risk. That's usually what happens.

I don't know if you've seen this. It was on a it was a YouTube clip and the guy drew a chart and it was like a chart of crazy to hotness. Yeah. And it's like all the hot chicks are always crazy. And so you have to basically tells you in what range you have to find the normal woman. My friend Tony Zara has it best. He said that there's erotic and neurotic, and they cross over. Like a Venn diagram?

They hit this cross. They're two interchangeable things. Completely closely related. Psychotic, neurotic, and erotic and erotic all together and if you get the really erotic women they're almost always psychotic or or neurotic or crazy there's just something wrong yeah yeah red flags the really fun ones yeah they're just the ones that really want to rock your world they're yeah they're crazy i've've heard that. And so if you're wondering, I'm very normal. Boring and slick.

In case you're wondering. Again, my parents loved me. There you go. Which means I don't do anal. That's a good point. That is a weird thing, right? If your parents love you too much, you might not be as ambitious. I mean, that is true. Like, if your parents love you too much you might not be as ambitious i mean that is true like i wish i told i like i think i'm definitely ambitious like i'm definitely you know i've been doing this for like like 10 years now and it's like i have come so far so

it's like yeah no i definitely have goals and i'm achieving them but it's also i'm also not like uh what we talked about earlier like the the ceos these corporations, like I don't have that kind of drive. Like I just want to do what I love and make good money doing it. You've been doing standup for 10 years. Yeah. Where'd you start? Here. At the store?

Not store, but like in LA. I started, uh, the first place I got up, you know, doing open mics and stuff, but I didn't want to go to the store at first.

Cause I was like, I don't want to go there if I'm not funny yet. Right. Cause then who knows gonna see me and they're I'm like, oh, she's not funny. When did you get past the store? Like December of 2014. So almost 2015. Oh, so that was right when I came back.

Yes, it was right when you came back because that was right. I was the first me and Earl Skakel were the first people that Adam passed when he got promoted to that position. Wow. Yeah. Because, yeah, I don't know if Tommy was ever going to pass because yeah i don't know if tommy was ever going to pass me i don't know tommy i know so so when yeah when i came back i got to see like the whole new crop there was a whole new crop of people in the seven years that i was gone was it seven years yeah i was gone for seven years i thought thought I'd be gone forever.

If Tom Hiddink had fired and Adam didn't take over, I would have still been gone. Which is, that was the dumbest thing. The dumbest decision. For me, it was a good decision. It was good. It was healthy to get away from the store for a little bit. Sort of changed my comedy, made it a little less evil. It was cathartic for you that place yeah that place is so harsh

but haven't you noticed that the energy has changed since adam has taken over it's a completely different place it's a different place without tommy it's a different place just because of the vibe of the comedy store is now um also fortified by the internet it's like people who love the place because it's this iconic historical landmark. It's like the Mecca of comedy. Yeah. I mean, it really is the Mecca. It's the best club in the country.

Now it's the real Mecca. Yeah. Like when I was a kid, when I was first starting out, I had heard about the comedy store, you know, because Sam Kinison started out there and Richard Pryor was always there. And I, like that was the place I needed to go to the comedy store. Yeah. When I came out here, I was already on a sitcom and I didn't get past the store I was a non-paid regular so I was able to go on at the end of the shows when I first got here when I got past as a paid regular it was like

the happiest moment of my life I was like holy shit I'm a paid regular at the comedy store like that to me was bigger than being on a television show no I know I'm here but regular at the comedy store. Like that to me was bigger than being on a television show. No, I know. I'm here. But back then, the comedy store was a ghost town. Yeah. It was deserted. There was no one there. You'd go on a Friday night, there'd be 30 people in the audience.

It was just gross. And there was a lot of boat acts still floating around. Yeah, yeah. It's like something happened between, in the Kinison age,? Kennesan Age was like 84 to 87, 88. And in that time, that guy was just running rampant and destroying. And he was a maniac. And he was the top of the world. And then he dropped off and then he died.

And then when he died, that place was a ghost town. So I came along right after he died. I came along in 94. And there was no one there. So it came along right after he died. I came along in 94 and there was no one there. So it went from being this jam packed. I always hear like all these celebrities come to see Kinnison do spots late at night. I'd be like, whoa, that must have been nuts. Yeah, John Belushi would be there and Jack Nicholson and all these different people.

And then you go there. I don't know if it was John Belushi. He was probably dead by then. When did John Belushi die? He died in 82? Yeah, he died earlier than that. I shouldn't have said John Belushi. I might have made that up.

But I know Jack Nicholson and a bunch of other celebrities who go to see Kenison. And I remember thinking, man, nobody famous comes here now. This place is a shithole. It's like there's nobody there. But it's different now. Now it's hopping. It's amazing now. No, it's every show sold out. Every show. Every show. It's like there's nobody there. But it's different now. Now it's hopping. It's amazing now. No, it's every show sold out.

Every show. Every show. It's nuts. Last night was crazy. Yeah, no. I was thinking that the other day. It was like, what a time for me to be a regular at the store. It just happened at the perfect time.

Because I know so many people that were door guys back when. And I've heard stories. Bobby would tell me stories from when he used to work there and like Freddie Lockhart when they were like door guys and I'm like wow that place would sound so shitty like what they were getting paid they're getting paid like 25 for the day yeah and I was like I can't even eat off that awful yeah I met Bobby who's a door guy at the La Jolla store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I met Bobby, it was like 1994 or some shit like that.

We went to a strip club and he almost got killed. What? I mean, that sounds about right. At first, I'm like, what? He was hitting on some girl and apparently she was dating some Mexican gangbanger. This guy who had long black hair

and tattoos on his face in the 90s. In the 90s, he had tattoos on his face. It wasn't even popular back then. And then the guy, he was looking over at me and they're talking to his friends. I go, we are getting the fuck out of here. I think Jimmy Schubert was with me. It was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby Lee.

I go, we're getting the fuck out of here. And Bobby's like, those guys aren't going to do shit. I go, I will fucking leave you. I go, you don't have any idea what danger is. I go, those guys are going to do something. And you can fight. I wasn't worried about fighting. I was worried about getting shot.

I was like, this is... They were going to murder. I'm like, this is a bad scene, dude. We got to get out of here now. And Bobby's like, those guys aren't going to do shit. I'm like, who is this guy? You were the smallest person here. Well, he was, you know, 21 years old or whatever the fuck he was.

He was out of his mind. He was a child. I mean, he's still childlike in many ways, but yes. In all ways. Name one way he's a man. I tell his girlfriend all the time, I was like, you're the most patient woman in the world to deal with him. Yeah, that's an odd couple.

It's a very odd couple. It seems to work, though. They've been together for a while. It's a very odd couple. It seems to work, though. They've been together for a while. Oh, they love each other. It's insane. And they met on Tinder. Kapow. Yeah.

It worked. I know two people. I said it worked and you went. Because I know two people that it worked for. Them and also I know a couple I was getting married this weekend who met on Tinder. Well, there you go. Maybe it's just you. That's four people.

Maybe it's just you. Maybe you need to give Tinder a second chance. I know for sure it is me because I refuse to settle. I know for sure it is me. How do you think using your vision board and all of your manifesting, how can you just Put some dick on my vision board. How can you get someone in your life that you need in your life? How can you do this?

I honestly, honestly, honestly, Rogan. Honestly, Joe Rogan. Honestly. Every time I think of your name I think of Tyrone I smoke rocks I think that was my first I mean I knew you from Fear Factor but I also that was a huge you know for for me before I even knew I'd be doing stand-up I'm watching this Chappelle show and I just remember, it makes me laugh so much. My feet are strong. That was a great character. I, like, have tried to do crack impressions, like crackhead

impressions for jokes before. And I can't because every time I try to do an original crackhead impression, like, just from my own inspiration and from watching other real crackheads, I can't do it. Because the default crackhead impression like just from my own you know inspiration and from watching like other like real crackheads I can't do it because the default crackhead is now Tyrone

Biggums and it just and I'm like I can't do it because I can't do Tyrone Biggums on stage there's certain people that create characters that forever they're iconic yeah that's the crackhead for the rest of time yeah ow For the rest of time. For the rest of time. Yeah. Ow! Ow!

Isn't it amazing that that show was only two seasons? That's what's amazing. Blows my... And that it was 15 years ago. Wow. And even more amazing that he just said, fuck it, and left. And left. Yeah. Sorry.

Gotta go. Yeah. I mean, I get it, though. I and left. And left. Yeah. Sorry. Gotta go. Yeah. I mean, I get it, though. I get it. I totally get it. I was on Comedy Central at the time, and I saw the management and how it was working there. It was chaos.

Whenever you tell people that aren't funny, that are executives, tell them to manage funny, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. They have no idea. Let Dave Chappelle be Dave Chappelle. Trust me, he's going to make the most funny. Let him and Neil Brennan figure out what they're doing and just get out of the way. Get out of the way and put ads on it.

Yeah, and you saw the success of what had happened with what they did with that control. Yeah, you know, they tried to do a bunch of shit with him. First of all, they tried to get him to change his language, stop using the N-word. They wanted him to stop using it because they would get more ads. Yeah.

It was all about people not comfortable with advertising with certain kind of sketches. Right. So they wanted to maximize their profits. So tone down the show a little, maximize their profits, and Dave was like, I see where this is going.

Yeah, yeah. He was complete control. He just quit. Yeah. Imagine the executives when, I see where this is going. Yeah, yeah. He was complete control. He just quit. Yeah. Imagine the executives when they found out he was really quitting. They were like, what? He's just joshing. Yeah, they're probably like, what?

He's just bluffing. Yeah, he doesn't like the way you guys are shaping the show. So he's going to quit, and he's in Africa now. Bye. Click. But we were just going to make $180 million. But we were just going to make $180 million. But we were just going to make $180 million. No, Dave just quit.

Oh, you guys blew it. You know, people don't remember, but for a while, Dave was doing shows and he wasn't getting paid. He wouldn't do shows where he got paid. He would show up in the park. He showed up in Seattle. It was like a big deal. He put up a speaker. He put up his own PA system and started

doing standup in the park and a crowd gathered around. Of course. And that's what he would do. He would just show up places and start doing standup. That's crazy. That's what he did. You know, when I met Dave, I met Dave, he's like, I was 21. He was like 18, something like that. Or maybe, maybe I was a little older. I was like 24 and he was 18. And he was, um, he would do live, he would do shows outside. Like we would do a gig. We did a gig in Montreal. And then after we did the gig in Montreal, we came downstairs outside of Club Soda and he just started doing standup on the street. He goes, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, gather around. I got some shit to tell you. And then he would start doing stand-up on the street. And he learned it from Charlie Burnett.

Charlie Burnett, who was like an old-school New York character who did a lot of street comedy. Didn't we have a video of Charlie Burnett? There's one online. Yeah, this is what he would do. Charlie Burnett would do yeah like this is what he would do Charlie Barnett would do comedy like this like he got these giant crowds and would walk around like a park and get everybody

gather around and he was such a showman that people would just sit and wait and he would do stand up here it is in Washington Square Park that's insane

I mean look at this crowd we're in the village I love the village we got a nice mixed crowd I mean look what we this crowd. We're in the village. I love the village. We got a nice mixed crowd. I mean, look what we got. We got white folks. We got black folks. We got Puerto Ricans.

Puerto Ricans. Puerto Ricans. We got a lot of fucking Puerto Ricans. But I'm not going to fuck with the Puerto Ricans! We got a lot of fucking Puerto Ricans! But I'm not going to fuck with the Puerto Ricans, man, because y'all born with knives. Y'all cut me up and I won't even know what you're saying. He would do this. This is how he would do his stand-up.

He would yell it out in the park. I got a chance to see him a couple... He died of AIDS. Oh. Like somewhere, I think it was in the early 90s he died. But I got to see him that's when people were dying of AIDS back when AIDS would kill you

now AIDS is like the flu yeah it's like everybody got it don't whine if you got AIDS my uncle's got leukemia they don't even have medication for that bro but Charlie Burnett influenced Dave and Dave would do that kind of stand-up.

You know, Dave would just do stand-up in front of a club. He would just, and people would just gather around and watch him. And I remember thinking, like, wow, that's not really me. I could never do that. But, man, that kind of detachment to be able to just be free in front of a crowd like that. Yep. That's powerful. And, you know, we've performed in all different types

of really terrible places. You know, when you're coming up and you're just doing open mics in bars and like coffee shops or whatever. And I still, to this day, roll my eyes when it's an outdoor venue because it's just like, because, you know, there's nothing to...

Trap the sound. So like the laughs just get lost. Yeah. They just disappear into the ether. That happens with arenas too. And you do stand up in an arena. Not that I've performed in an arena. It's on my vision board though.

Is it? Yeah. Of course it is. Right next to the dick. What's on your vision board that's weird besides dick? That's weird? You got anything crazy in your vision board? You got a private jet on your vision board?

Is that crazy? Do you have one? It's actually not on my vision board, but I do visualize it. Do you? I do visualize it. How do you visualize it? Do you visualize you strolling with a tiny bag with a dog in it? And you got like a cigarette holder and giant glasses.

Cigarette holder to people just like like Hunter S. Thompson like Zsa Zsa Gabor stroll on with high heel stilettos and a tight skirt like oh oh where's my seat where's my seat it's wherever the fuck I want it to be bitch this is my plane

let my dog shit on the floor it's my plane motherfucker no my private jet is gonna be much more basic than that. I just want a plane where I can fart freely and not have to worry about other people. One time I held a fart from Cincinnati to Los Angeles. That's very polite of you. I know. Thank you.

Especially on a plane. A lot of people are sneaky on planes. I know. But I was like, I can't do this to anybody. Good for you. Thank you. I'm a very considerate person. But if it was your plane?

Let them loose. But what if it was your plane and you had a stewardess? Still let it loose? Flight attendants. Oh. What's the difference? Because you can't. They change it to flight attendant because they have male flight attendants.

Because you can't call a male stewardess. Do they really have male flight attendants? Haven't you seen them all the time. Are they really male? Well, I mean, yes. They're gay, but they're men. They're more feminine than me, but yes, they're still men. I went to the dentist today

and I had to fill out one of them. I'm going to the dentist on Friday. OMG, we're so alike. I had to fill out this form and on the form it said sex. It said male or female i was like where's the other yeah where's other bitch where's uh where's uh kins where's other kins other kins yeah you don't know about other kins no i don't know what that is oh there's people that think they're a fox they identify with foxes like i'm like an elf kin no people think they're fairies i'm a wood elf

no i'm other kin people think that there's something there's supposed to be something else they're like a person but really they're an animal that's trapped in a person's body no they're just crazy are they here we go this lady when people ask me how does it feel to be a cat i'm like how does it feel to be a cat? I'm like, how does it feel to be a human? Oh, that's rational. Whoever your dad is, hey, dude who's her dad, fuck you. Look what you did to the world, you asshole. You let this girl loose and think she's a cat. Yeah, no, that's when you have a, that's definitely a mental issue.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. For sure. Like Rachel Dolezal. Yeah, she's one of my favorites. Did you watch her documentary? Oh, I'm obsessed with her. I couldn't.

It was boring, right? Was it just me? I didn't watch it. I wanted to watch it. It was just boring. It was sad. She's going crazy. She owes money.

She's in debt. She's got kids. I feel bad for the kids. Yeah. But who is this dude that she's with? Who is this dude that she just had a baby

not that long ago? Some guy who likes pussy. See, y'all just get on my nerves. We're all the same? Yes. How are we all the same? Because you'll just have

sex with anything. Well, if it's anything or nothing. That dude could have got it from somewhere else. Could he have really? If he fucked her?

Could he have really? Did he have the pick of the litter? Did he really? I know dudes who are unattractive, poor, sleeping on someone else's couch and they're still getting vagina. So, yes. Wow. They must be good talkers. Yeah.

Women don't have standards anymore. You do. I do. Because my parents loved me. How many times? That's going to be the name of my first special. I actually know the name of my first special. I'm a very busy man.

It should be a book. This book will not be that good because my parents loved me. This special ain't going to be funny because my parents loved me. Just finish everything because my parents loved me. But you are very funny. So that doesn't work. But you know what you're not? What?

You're not crazy, like ambitious But you know what you're not? What? You know what you're not? You're not crazy, like ambitious to the point where you're willing to step, walk off people's backs. I'm not a sociopath. Cut people. Because my parents loved me. That's where that comes from. You know, that narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy comes from some type of neglect

or abuse in childhood. Yes, I agree. And this industry attracts a lot of that. Oh, yeah. People are attention starved and they just want fame. So you have the people who – there's two types of people in this industry. You got the people who really just love the craft of it. They really are great actors or great comics writers. And then you have the kind that just want to be famous, who don't give a crap about, you know, what it takes to actually, you know, hone that skill and become the best at that.

They just want. And some of them pretend to be the other thing. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, it's crazy people everywhere. Yeah.

Some of them like pretend to be comics, like they pretend to be interested in the craft of comedy. I know. And you know what? When it gets really weird, when they become famous and then you see. It happens all the time. Yeah. You see that they don't, this is an actor.

They were acting like they were a comedian. They're not really a comic. Yeah. Yeah. But then we let them get stage time. Well, it's not we.

You and I don't have anything to do with anybody getting stage time. Yeah. No, I know. But it's frustrating. So why did you get into it? I have, I believe my pain when I was a kid was just feeling like I didn't fit in.

Like out there when you were telling me, you're not black. Like that was my pain because I am black. And so I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere. Well, you are at, you are a certain percentage African American. Both of my parents are black. And they are. So someone was white. Well, yeah, no, somewhere along the line. But there's mixes.

There's black Native American and there's white. But yeah, if you saw my family, you'd be like, there's no white people in this family. If you saw my family, you'd be like, somebody somewhere along the line fucked a chimp. A chimp? Somebody fucked a chimp. Why? Somebody when they shouldn't have. You know, I think this is what I think about my family.

There's bestiality in your... Just Italians in general. I feel like, you know how people evolve from apes? I don't believe that. You don't believe that? I think somewhere along the line, somebody went back when they shouldn't have. Somebody went back. Hilarious.

They were like, well, you know, it wasn't so bad when we was fucking these apes over here. Just get one last shot at that monkey. She wasn't talking back to me. She never burned my meatloaf. I gave her a banana. That's all she wanted. She would let me stick stuff wherever I wanted to stick stuff.

She was warm to cuddle with in the winter months. Yeah. Well, everyone's African. Every single human, if you trace them all the way back. Absolutely. That 23andMe shit, I just did it.

You know? What'd they say? I don't know. I'm waiting. I have to wait a couple more weeks. I'm very excited. You sound scared. Nah.

What could it be? I'm mostly, I'm supposed to be mostly Italian, and I have like a quarter Irish in me. That's what it's supposed to be. That sounds about right. Let's see if anybody was sneaking around in my DNA. If maybe a German got in the mix or an African or a Moroccan or who knows, you know? Who knows who got in the mix back in the day? Hilarious.

You know, I'm too, I don't think I'm going to do one of those. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. If I find out I'm whiter than I am, I'll just think I am. I'll just walk into traffic. Well, you're pretty, your skin's lighter than mine. No, I know. But so what? Like, man. Okay, don't get defensive. Jesus, Candace. I'm just. into traffic. Your skin's lighter than mine. No, I know, but so what? Okay, don't get defensive.

Jesus, Candace. Settle down. It's crazy because you have like, me and my sister, we're from the same parents, but she had a completely different childhood than me because no one ever questioned. She never got her hair pulled

by like darker skinned black girls, whereas I did. Why did she not get her hair pulled? She's darker than me and her hair is kinkier so just she just came out different she came out brown so yeah so we had to complete so that's where that's where my pain came from like i felt like i didn't fit in right you know so you felt like so your comedy is so sort of like you had like a personality that was kind of compensating for not fitting in. Yeah, I started being funny because I felt like that could distract people from, you know, like I want them to like me and accept me. So the one thing that everyone can agree on is that we like jokes and we like laughing.

So I became like a class clown and just would. I was like, oh, people like me now and I don't have to worry about them wondering what I am and trying to put me in a box. It's like I'm the funny one. That's all that matters. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. But my pain is not like, you know,

it's a mild pain. It's a mild pain. That's exactly how I describe it. Because a lot of comics are like, Oh, molested by my father or somebody. And it's like, Oh,

that's awful. I'm sorry to hear that. But that makes sense. But yeah, people always come to me and they're like, you don't have, you're not addicted to anything. Like,

you don't have any vices and you weren't like touched by an uncle. So, like, why are you funny? And I was like, well, that's that was that's why I got funny. So it was mild. You when you first got on stage, were you working? What were you doing for a living? Yes. First got on stage.

I did have a day job at that time. I was working. Oh, my God. I had I did have a day job. Um, at that time I was working. Oh my God. I had, I've had a few jobs. At one point I was working at Sylvan learning center. And at one point I was working at, you're doing tutoring. I was a center director for,

uh, at Sylvan learning center at one point. So I was in charge of the, that facility just for like where I was in Glendale. And I was also in Santa Clarita. Yeah. But I wasn't, I was an assistant at the assistant director at the Glendale and I was a

full on center director at Santa Clarita. But then after that, I also worked at a nail salon. I worked at a Vietnamese nail salon for a minute at the front desk. Yeah. I worked in Toluca Lake, Lake at a place called Oasis Nail Spa. Shout out to my,

all my Vietnamese nail technicians who still work there. They were very nice. It's right next to Bob's Big Boy. I used to work there. I actually met a lot of people working there because it's by the studio. So like George Lopez would come in there. George Lopez gets his nails did? His whole, well, when he was still married, him and his wife and his daughter would come in.

And they would all get it done? George would get his nails done? I think he would would drop them off i think that's what it was yeah but you know who did come in and get his nails done david allen greer with his his wife at the time they have since split as well that's a bad luck salon huh everyone that comes in there is very get divorced showbiz i don't think it has to do with a salon or a restaurant it's just of course it's the hardest being in a. You've managed to make it work. It works. You can make it work. You can.

I think it just takes like, but also I think it's- Depends on the type of people you are too. Yeah. 100%. Are your parents still together? My stepfather and my mother are still together. They've been together since I was a little kid. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah. So it's a successful relationship. Yeah. But it's one that started when I was five. That's wow okay yeah so it's a successful relationship yeah but it's one that started when I was five that's commitment but it works yeah they're they're very friendly I mean they're very happy with each other very friendly to each other so I grew up around that yeah they they had a healthy relationship I saw a terrible relationship with my mother and my father

terrible very briefly violent oh wow dangerous not good then left that and then when we moved in um with my my mother's parents we lived there for a while and then we got an apartment um after my mom had you know escaped from my dad and then um when my mom met my stepdad it was a totally different relationship he's a hippie and he was like this really nice guy he's into crystals and stuff no just he was just he was relationship. He's a hippie. And he was like this really nice guy. He's into crystals and stuff. No, just,

he was just, he was, you know, he's an architect and he was just a different kind of guy. Smoked pot, had long hair. Yeah. Just different kind of person.

Do you ever wonder about like how you would have, like what your personality would be like now if your mom had stayed with your dad like longer? Oh yeah. Yeah. That wouldn't have been good. I would have, I would have been good i would have i would have been a dangerous person yeah yeah for sure i i care you know i have a i mean i don't have a tendency towards violence because i'm not a violent person in terms of like actual my actual actions but i understand it right like it's there it's always there i just don't let it out of the

box and that's why i got into fighting. And that's why martial arts. Yeah. Oh, God, that changed my life. Like having, I think for every boy, especially every boy that grew up. I mean, obviously, situations could have been way worse than mine. Mine wasn't the worst. Nobody beat me. It wasn't terrible in terms of like, I didn't get abused.

But I saw it. And I saw a lot of, I saw plenty of violence. So it's like, I knew it was a thing. And if I grew up around it, it would eventually start to affect me and I would have been a part of it for sure. And the problem is you mirror that, you know, like the guys who grew up with dads who beat their mom are way more likely to beat their wives or their girlfriends or you know absolutely or maybe the opposite maybe just hate it so much because you've seen it that you would never allow it but right but um i think for young men like having some sort of event something martial arts especially because you could actually get out the violence where you purge it from your

system you don't have to think about it anymore that's giant is it really because i have no idea what it's like to be a man you know i i don't i i think i do have a decent amount of testosterone for a woman because i was a tomboy when i was a little girl and i was never into like dresses and like stuff like that when I was younger. I never like envisioned like getting married and having this huge wedding. Those weren't my fantasies when I was a kid. You know, whenever it was Halloween,

I would dress up as a boy. I would be like Count Dracula. My sister would be a princess and I'd be like the Hulk. So I've always been kind of like, I've always gravitated towards a more masculine even doing stand-up is a very masculine thing to do and maybe that's why I attract gay dudes too but anyway that's neither here nor there so is it like hard like are you guys constantly fighting the urge

to be violent because I don't know no not constantly this is how I look at it this is kind of a weird way of looking at it but this this is the way I look at it. I think that every man, every man who has a functional endocrine system, who has testosterone, has been involved in sports, who is fairly athletic, there's violence in your head so if your head was a house okay there's a room there's a violence room okay and you can open up that door if that door gets open crazy shit can happen most of the time that door is closed but the more fucked up things that happen in your life the more your house gets rocked the more your foundation gets fucked up the more your joists start to creak and move left and right and things are off center and off plumb, then that door opens way easier. That door is leaking.

That door is like there's gaps. Like, you know, the framing is not so good. The hinges, right. Yeah, the hinges are loose. Right. And so for someone who's been around a lot of violence, like people who grew up in terrible neighborhoods, been involved in gang violence, that kind of shit, that door is always ready to pop open.

It's just always ready to open. Whereas someone who grew up, like my friend Todd, one of the nicest guys, super sweet guy. I couldn't imagine him beating anybody up because he just was loved, like maybe even too much. Like it's all love. So his door is locked up tight. He would need to get the key from his mom if he was going to get in there. Whereas I have other friends, but if you brush up against that door too much yeah like joey diaz joey diaz if you if you knock on that door when he's asleep if i fucking punch you in the face it's just like

there's violence ready to go it's i mean and he doesn't do much but if it happens if the wrong thing happens that door comes swinging open we don't teach kids how to deal with their emotions properly and I just did you see the Mr. Rogers documentary no there's only so many things you can see

well you could take your kids to see this I'm in the middle of watching that wild wild country oh I've already seen that. How good is that shit? I love cults. I love cults. Yeah. No.

Are all cults sex cults? Of course. If there's a dude involved. What the fuck's the point in having a cult if you don't get some pussy? I don't think my cult would be a sex cult. Because you're a girl. Yeah, no, I know. What would your cult be?

When was the last time a girl ran a cult, by way you might be the first well that no well the chick who was she was kind of running that the rajneesh puram on her own that bitch is lost okay yeah i guess so yes but she was running stuff while she was there because that dude never left his room yeah but sheila was only in power because of homeboy what What was his name? Osho? How do you say his name? That's what he was called after. Whatever his name is. Without him, he had to look. You gotta have that look. You gotta have the look of the holy man.

You gotta have the crazy beard. Yeah, and the dead eyes. And you have to drive around in Bentleys and Rolls Royces. That's what was crazy. 22 Rolls Royces? How many of was crazy. You have 22 Rolls Royces? How many of these cars, these luxurious cars do you need? Why do you need 22 of the same? That's like you have piss poor choices.

Yeah, no, I don't understand that at all. What about trying a Mercedes? What'd you say? Try a Mercedes. You know, you got a Rolls Royce. Get something different. It's very suspicious. Yeah.

And my question is like, do these people, when you're going into a cult, do they know it's a cult? Or do they think it's literally like a legit religious organization that they're just joining? They think it's a legit movement. You know, like, what is a cult, right? Because Christianity is often, by scholars, referred to as a cult. Yeah. You know, like, there's certain documentaries on Christianity that refer to it as the cult of Christianity. Like, what a cult is is a group of people that follow an ideology.

They follow a certain way and pattern of being. So these people are doing that exact same thing. Until someone from like the fucking FBI starts calling it a cult, like you don't, it's just an organization. You don't really, they're not self-aware of what it is.

I think a red flag would be as if like, because you know, as if your leader is fucking you know like that that to me is a red flag because if you look if you look at religious organizations in general like the one thing that's frowned upon and like all of them is like too much sex or any sex really any type of like promiscuity so like and that's a i think across the board with religions just in general none of them are like this is good they're like you should have sex to procreate and like that's it yeah with

the person that you're married to but with that then when they're like this group sex like i think i think we might be in the cult you know that's a huge red flag yeah as soon as the dude starts fucking everybody's wife yeah you're like wait a. How come he gets to fuck my wife? Well, he's got a direct line to Jesus, bro. Like, oh, okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't trust that. That is the thing, though.

But that's the thing with men. Like men, when they get into power, anytime a man runs a giant organization, has all these followers, and he gets to stand onto a stage out in this grassy field filled with people who are bowing to him. That guy's going to get his dick sucked. Absolutely. He's like, he's got beads on, and everybody's like, oh, show. Oh, show. Yes, come for a ride in my Rolls Royce.

Women throwing their panties at him. You can drive Rolls Royce number 17. Come on for a ride. So do you trust like Joel Osteen? Osteen? Trust him in what way? Trust him and then like, do you think he's like a man of his word?

I lent him $1,000. You tell me he's not trusting. No, I'm just kidding. I was like, oh shit. No, I wouldn't lend that guy any money. That guy's rich as fuck. Right. I was like, was this,

he had a Kickstarter? Well, he is absolutely an evangelist. Because he's in that celebrity level. He's an evangelist. He's on TV.

He's a shyster. They're all shysters. Just that's what they are. He dresses real nice. He talks about Jesus and he gets people excited and they give him their money. Yeah.

They give him their money. That's what he wants and he's got fucking millions of it. You think he's getting panties thrown at him? Didn't he just get divorced? Did he? Did he get divorced? Google that.

He's probably getting some serious God-loving pussy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if he's got a direct line, he's like, Jesus said. So blasphemous. Tell me what Job said. I'll tell you what Job said, baby. Get over here.

Yeah. Is that blasphemous? No. It's like he's a leader. You know what I mean? Here's. If it's. As long as it's obvious.

Like is a con bad if it's real obvious? To his followers, he's not a con though. To us, it's like, duh. But like you were talking about with the cults. When you're though to us it's like duh yeah but like you were talking about with the cults when you're in it it's like i don't think they can see it but like jim baker like people that follow jim baker yeah he's still around selling food for people that scare the world's gonna end he sells buckets of food but tammy faye died right she died she died tammy faye long-sufferingering Tammy Faye she she died from Diet Coke Diet Coke did her in are you serious that's what they think she drank too much drank it all day well that's

that stuff's addictive it is addictive there's something there there they've been studies that have proven that there's a whatever that artificial sweetener is that they put in there yeah they it's a it causes you yeah you know what else is addictive jesus jesus and jim baker's dick both those things are addictive it's jim baker was like a perfect example though if you're so fucking stupid you buy into that guy's shit yeah i don't remember to lose all of it i don't remember his i remember them i remember growing up and watching like sketches on like mad tv or whatever where they would be making fun of yes yeah do you remember robertilden? He's the guy that had his hair slicked back. He's another late night guy.

He would talk in tongues. He'd be on TV. The Lord is moving me to speech. He would speak in tongues. This is one thing he said. I was listening to it. I started fucking crying laughing. He said, every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye.

No, he didn't say that. Every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye. Like that kind of shit. That laugh. That shit should totally be legal. If you're so stupid, you're like, Oh, thee Satan, I smite thee. And you pull out your checkbook. I smite you, Satan.

You are fixing to get a shiner. There he is. Look at him. He's got to speak in tongues here. I don't remember this guy. Hilarious. He's hilarious. I'm the devil.

I shouldn't have said that. Satan gave me this mess. Satan. It's a lie of the devil. I shouldn't have said that. Satan gave me this message. Satan. It's a lie of the devil. I shouldn't have said that. What is that? That's just him. He speaks in like tongues.

Is he really old looking now? Was that him? Is that him there? Tom's such a cruel bitch. Even Robert Tilden went down with all his money. But he's still alive, huh? Probably. What? What are you woofing? He's still alive, huh? Probably. What?

What are you woofing? He's old as fuck now? Oh, Jesus. Is that what he looked like? That's him? That can't be the same guy. That's not him. It is him.

Jesus. That wasn't even that long ago. Wasn't that like- What happened? The 90s from when that video- Boy. All that whiskey and pussy and coke. Look at him.

He looks- Just doing coke for Jesus. No, no, no, no. They're like, we done. We wrapped. We wrapped. Gold underwear. Woo.

He looks so untrustworthy. Jumps in a private jet. 15 hookers in there waiting for him. As soon as he touches down, they shoot the hookers. You know too much. Stop it. Did they remix it? Yeah, it's a remix of him speaking in tongues.

I miss remix. Why aren't they remixing stuff anymore? I know, right? Remember that dude? Remember like the bedroom intruder? Yes, I was just going to say. Yeah, the rape and everybody. They're not doing that anymore.

I met that guy. I met that guy. He came to a UFC. Shut up. He got paid, right? Didn't he get paid? They made like a million dollars off that song. Yeah, he made some money. Yeah, he made some money.

Yeah. He made some money and Dana White brought him to a UFC. Is this because he was gay, right? And then went to church and said he wasn't gay anymore. Yeah, he was ashamed of being gay. It was very sad because he was saying that, you know, he was ashamed of being gay and that, you know, the church was going to, they were going to pray the gay away. It's one of them deals.

So that's, that to me makes me so sad. It does. It's, there's nothing wrong with being gay. No. And this, this idea that you could change someone from being gay is so fucking stupid. It's like, just be gay, man. Just be gay. You're gay.

It's all right. It's okay. You just need better people around you to tell you you're okay. To tell you that they love you. Yeah. And that it's okay to be gay. And just find other gay people. And you're like, oh, you're like me.

We're good. Yeah. Yeah, you're good. You're fine. You guys are going to be fine. Yeah. All you need to do is move to Atlanta. Or anywhere else where there's gay people.

L.A. L.A. And find a gay scene. They'd still be in the closet out here, too. There's a lot of people in the closet out here. And I don't get it. There's people in show business that I know they're in the closet. I'm like, man, get out of that

goddamn closet. You have a new fan base. A whole new fan base. And then when you meet guys like Todd Glass, who did get out of the closet, who's so much happier now. He's like, it's just a giant burden relieved off my back. Like, yeah. Just be yourself, man.

And, you know, plus,'s the stigma is so it's bad for everybody. It's bad for gay people. It's bad for straight people because it's even bad for people who are homophobes because they don't realize how many people are really gay. Right. And if they did, they would probably be like, oh, maybe this is normal. Yeah. Like it is normal.

Yes. Yeah. It's the beginning of time. It's no different than having blue eyes or black hair or whatever the fuck it is. Animals are gay. Yes. Trust me, my dog's gay as fuck. Really?

Yeah, he licks my other dog's dick. Every time my, poor Marshall, every, I'm throwing him under the bus. Maybe Marshall's into it. You don't know. Well, Johnny Cash, my mastiff, when he, he'll take a leak and Marshall come over and lick his dick right after he takes a leak. I'm like, Marshall, get the fuck away from his dick, man. Stop doing that, dude.

So depressing. Gets right up in there instantly. He loves it. How many dogs do you have? Three. Three? Two of them are on death's door, though. They're very, very old.

They're ready to go. Would you recommend getting a dog? I love dogs. I love them, too. I've never not had dogs it's just a lot of work I know I've had dogs

since I had enough money to have dogs the moment when I moved to LA and I had a sitcom I'm like okay I can pay my rent I'm getting a dog

yeah I love dogs I just want to make sure that I be able to have like I don't want to have to burden somebody when I go out of town well they have dog sitter places

they have places where you can go that are really good right they'll even train your dog while they have them. I want one so bad. Get a dog, girl.

I want one. You look like you'd have a dog. You look like you'd have a good dog. You told me I had, first of all, when I came here, you said, I look like I have a kid.

No, I thought you had a kid. You know why I said it? I think somebody brought it up. Somebody said, Candace has a child. I think someone said, it was probably some girl who hated on you.

Probably. Throwing you under the bus. Probably. She's like, Candace has a child. I think someone said it. It was probably some girl hated on you. Probably. Throwing you under the bus. Probably. She's like, Candace has a kid at home. And so. Like it's something I should be ashamed of. I don't even know where I got it from. But somebody brought it up.

Like keep it in a dog cage. That's why I asked you. I don't know. Do you have a kid? I think you would be very good at taking care of a dog what kind of dog would you get i like really small or really big like and but my my place that i have i have a nice size place but i still would like to have property when i have if i have a big dog so i would probably want a smaller one just for the sake of you know size right i don't it's limited

so i really um i really do like uh pugs Are you friends with Whitney Cummings? I'm not friends with her. We've met, but I can't say we're friends. Talk to her about dogs. She's got a shitload of them. That bitch has a horse. What? Yeah, she's got a horse.

Well, wait. What do you mean she has that? She owns a horse. No, I get the horse part. But you said she has dogs. She would give me a dog? No. I can take one of hers? She's very smart. but you said she has dogs like she would give me a dog no she could talk look she's I go to her

I can take one of hers she's very smart and I go to her talk to her about dog questions she gives me dog advice oh okay I see what you're saying like how to deal with dogs

like you know what she said she goes she goes first of all she talks to you like this she goes first of all I'm in charge of my house she goes I don't walk around my dogs I walk through them

she goes like I'm the alpha she goes they don't get to get on top of me they don't climb on top of me. They don't kiss my face. She goes, I'm in control. That's what I want.

Yeah. I don't want dogs in my bed. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to have that. Yeah, no, but I know so many people think I'm weird because I wouldn't want my dog in my bed. Here's Whitney's dogs. Aw.

Yeah, here she loves pits. Yeah, she does. Pits are great. Look how cute those dogs are. That's adorable. Look at the one with the bow tie. Adorable. Adorable.

That's a cute little tiny one too what is that little one what is that bulldog aww little bulldog yeah I like I like bulldogs

I like French bulldogs um but I'm also one of those ones that like those like little tiny ones that probably annoy you I like Yorkies no I like little dogs too

do you I like Yorkies I like um I like Pomeranians I i like yorkies i like um i like pomeranians i just like dogs in general yeah the only dogs i feel bad for are those bulldogs with those fat faces they can't walk and they can't breathe pugs are like that too they have really they have nasal problems but they're so cute what the fuck did you do this yeah they look like i punched in the face but they're so cute it's depressing It's from all the breeding, right?

Isn't that how they've got like, yeah. Well, they've made them that way on purpose because they want their face to be flattened out. So they've bred for that characteristic. Yeah. Get a dog, get a man, Candace. No, I'm not getting both. No? So if you get a man, then you get rid of the dog?

That is more realistic for me than getting a man. Well, if you get a dog and then you have a man, you go, well, this is one too many things. I've got to kill this dog. Ew, I would kill the man first. 100%. Damn. That's dark. All right, Candice, we're going to wrap this up.

Yeah, yeah. Anything else to say to the people? Their first introduction to you? On my first introduction? I think this went well. I think it went very well. We're getting to know one On my first introduction? I think this went well. I think it went very well. We're getting to know one another. We talked about doing this for a while.

I'm glad we finally did it. We did make it happen. Now you're going to come and do my podcast. For sure. And Candice, when are you at the Comedy Store? When are you on the tour? Where can people go see you do stand-up? Just go to CandiceThompsonComedy.com.

I post all my dates. I'm going to do JFL this year in Montreal. Just for laughs. If anyone's going to be in Canada. Woo! I believe on the 26th of July. 26th, 27th, 28th of July. Are you doing the gala? The gala?

Oh, no. I don't think I am. That's the TV thing that they do? The giant? Yeah, no. It's very big in Montreal. Yeah, no. I don't think I'm doing that.

Je parle français un peu. All right. Candice. It was fun. CandiceThompsonCom't think I'm doing that. Je parle français un peu. All right. Candice. So yeah, CandiceThompsonComedy.com and JokesByCandice on Twitter and Instagram. All right. Candice, thank you. We did it.

Yay. Yay. Thanks, Rogan. My pleasure.