The Joe Rogan Experience - #1144 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

Doug Stanhope is a stand-up comedian, writer, and TV host, also currently hosting his own podcast, The Doug Stanhope Podcast available on Spotify. His book This Is Not Fame: A “From What I Re-Memoir” is available on Amazon.

Boom, we're live. Here we go. Douglas Stanhope smoking cigarettes. I swore that, you know what, I'm going to smoke outside this time. Last time I stunk this place up so badly. It wasn't bad at all. No, afterwards, because you kept saying, no, I get this whole system now. It's not like the old place. It's definitely dissipating. I see the smoke getting sucked away.

But I remember at the end last time yeah that didn't work as good as i thought it was gonna you really reeked this place up well it's not perfect you know you're always getting cigarettes you know douglas where do you get that sugar-free fucking creamer yeah sugar-free that can't be good for you well i now i going to put a splash of whiskey in it just to hopefully kill the aspartame taste. Kill the effects? Fuck it. By the way, I occasionally say this on stage, even when there's no joke, but when I'm just angry about it. Stevia is an artificial sweetener.

And it's a big scam where there's no artificial sweeteners because you hate getting that fucking aspartame taste. Right. But then they have stevia in it because it's natural and it still tastes like shit. So you're thinking, oh, good, it's no artificial sweeteners. That means it's not, oh, it still tastes like shit, but it's natural shit. Have you ever had Zevia soda?

No, but I'm assuming it's Stevia. Yeah, but they nailed it. They figured it out. They really did. It's good. It's not Dr. Pepper. I'm skeptical. You should be.

You've been burned before. It's not Coca-Cola, but because it tastes lighter. I like it a lot, though. It's good. I don't think we have any here, do we? We're out. We should get some. But that's one of the Stevia ones that's good.

There's different Stevia, too. Like this stuff's Stevia right here. I just generally don't drink things that have sugar or need sugar like unsweetened iced tea is fantastic uh or if it's just juice like like with vodka i put you know i use vodka soda with just a tiny splash of either grapefruit or so there's almost no sugar in it anyway. I don't drink fucking Coca-Cola. I'll put a splash in a whiskey, but tiny. Where if I get fucking hammered on whiskey, I probably drank four ounces of Coke. So it's health benefits.

I just avoid sugar. It fucks up your whiskey. How's things in Bisbee? Are you the mayor yet? No, we're trying to find someone to run. I would be the worst. It would be like doing a cruise ship

comedy where, you know, the worst thing about a cruise ship would be if you sucked and then you have to be in the buffet line with everyone who saw you suck in the whole week you're around people who saw you suck that would be the mayor of bisbee where half the town hates you for because you're not supporting whatever stupid fucking and you have to see them at safeway does your town have a split is there like a conservative

side of your town and a liberal side of your town? Yeah, that's what makes it work. Oh. But it's not usually your usual dynamic of conservative and liberal. It's not we hate queers. Right. It's the plastic bag ban. Well, you can't tell us we can't have plastic bags but they're bad for the

environment well i don't care because i'm used to getting a plastic bag and yeah they that kind of they split over just minutiae and silly shit that bothers you in a small town and it's hilarious 5 000 jesus christ that's so little yeah that's That's amazing. Yeah, it's really good. Do they leave you alone, or do people still bother you? Do people show up at your house all the time? Oh, yeah, but not people that live there. Oh, just people from out of town. I mean, I have my friends that come by.

I know who you are. Yeah. That's weird, too, right? They know they can go to Bisbee, and they can meet Doug Stambo. Like, this is the move. Yeah, there's no more of that, like, an open door football. We don't even do football parties anymore. You gave it up?

Yeah. Is that too weird? Too many people, just even locals. I just end up hosting the whole time and never watching football. Yeah, that's the problem, right? And fucking clean up. and fucking clean up. You know,

you have 15 people over and no one's throwing away their fucking beer cans and shit. So yeah, there's a lot of dishes. Or they'd, you know, worse, they'd bring food. Everyone would bring food after a while, but then they'd leave the pan.

So you have to scrub a fucking casserole pan and then try to remember who brought it so you can get it back. That's small town living. Is that cave still for sale? Yes, it is. You still interested? Yeah, if everything goes wrong, that's where I'm going.

God, I found another house that's even better because it's right at the end of the runway of the Bisbee Municipal Airport. So if you had your own little four-seater Cessna, fucking Bill Byrne, his helicopter. It had four airplane hangar parking spaces. So you could fly in, park right in the house. And it was like 2,900 square feet. They were asking like 400 for it. square feet. They were asking like $400 for it. And it had, indoors it had

its own giant airplane hangar that goes right up to a bar where you could make a stage in there and do full shows. That's the one. Ah. So it's right at the airport? Yeah. But what if you hear other people

in the middle of the night smuggling drugs? Dude, that's a fucking nice house. That is the runway. Oh, wait, no, that's the highway. The runway is to the... Go to the next picture, Jamie? Look at these fucking houses. Nice.

Look at this place. Bingo's dad, they flip houses, his parents. So they came down and they went through it. It's fucking gorgeous. This is only 400 grand. You could get it for less. Wow. It's been a four 99.

Yeah. It's beautiful. Dad was saying you could probably get it for three 75. The only problem is it's County and not city. So it's got like septic and shit. I'm the worst homeowner ever. I can't do anything. And you start putting that like septic and shit. I'm the worst homeowner ever. I can't do anything. And you start putting that like septic on me.

I had a septic in one of my old houses and the pump broke. And then first the toilet bowl started back up. And then the tub started filling up with piss and shit. Fun times. It's like all of a sudden we're in the bathroom downstairs and the tub starts filling up. I'm like, what in the fuck is going on? And what it was. Was this Colorado?

No. When I was in the hills, I had a house and the septic tank was slightly above the house. So you had a pump to get to the septic tank. So you'd pump the waste into the tank. It's not a good idea. Like, ideally, they always want the tank to be below, so it's like a natural flow. So the pump broke, so the tank started backing up into the house.

Fun times. That's, yeah, that's the things that I went, I couldn't do it. If I did, if I had the money, I would just buy that as, all right, this is our studio. We don't live there. Guests can stay here. We'll make this into a place like this. That's a great idea.

Yeah, it would be. Get a fucking airplane, Douglas. Can you fly? No, but I know a pilot. Ooh, better. Better than flying. He actually has a real gig now. He would come down. He was a fan.

And he would fly into Bisbee from Tucson just to get his hours. Oh, wow. To get his commercial license. And he came to not a Super Bowl party. The last special I taped, he came down, flew down with a bunch of his friends. We taped it in Bisbee, my last special. And so the next morning he flew back over the house and he had put Stan and Hope under each wing. And he buzzed our house. It was very cool.

That's awesome. But now he's a commercial guy for SkyWest, the Delta partner. And he actually picked me up at the airport when i flew flew back from hawaii so he was learning how to fly and now all of a sudden he's a professional yeah and that's how you you know he had to build up hours so he'd take these you know how many hours do you get before you you get to fly a jumbo jet i didn't ask him a lot of questions other than hey can you fly me to LA if I needed to? You want to talk about underappreciated people?

The people that know how to pilot the planes. 1,500 hours? That's it? And they make dick for money. I know. You ever read those stories where in New York, where they have these single rooms with eight bunk beds.

It's all pilots living in there? Yeah, when they have to lay over because they can't afford. What is this, Jamie? $1,500 for Maine and $250 for... $1,500 for hours? Only $250 for commercial, so I think that's non-transporting people maybe. $250 hours of flight time. That doesn't seem like a lot.

Yeah. Remember how bad you drived when you were 20? How bad did you drive when you were 20? Pretty good. It's terrible. I remember driving piece of shit cars with no worries. Like, now, just to go to the store, I'd go, we're not going to make it. We're not going to make it in this car.

I used to buy a lot of shitty cars to deliver newspapers in. So I'd buy a car for like 300 bucks, just beat it into the ground and get rid of it. I would do that when I lived on the road and doing like triple gigs where I'd have to drive 11 hours from Arizona to southern Wyoming. And hope the car makes it. And you can see the ground through the passenger side. Floor is rusted out. You can actually see pavement. And you drive those cars forever until they died

and then hitchhike to the next town and hope you know a comic there that can get you to the city for the gig. Could you have ever imagined when you were 21 or however old you were when you first started doing the road that one day you would look back on those horrible nights with, like, nostalgia? I knew it then. I knew it was nostalgic then.

I didn't. I was shamed. I didn't think it was... I just was like, I'm a loser. I wasn't enjoying it at all. I think there's probably a big difference between doing it on the East Coast in Boston and congestion rather than the great wide open of Montana and Idaho. The shows are probably bleaker, though.

We had shows, you would do a lot of road gigs, but they were good gigs. The boom of the late 80s, I started in 88, and I started doing gigs on the road, like hell gigs on the road in probably like 89. And there was a lot of gigs back then that were really good you would go somewhere there'd be 300 people it'd be a great crowd you know 150 people in a bar everybody's there they love comedy night like some of them were really good but it's just the the never knowing if you're gonna make enough money to pay the bills and the stress of being poor yeah i didn't have a lot of bills living out of my car well that's a way there's a lot if you're going to make enough money to pay the bills and the stress of being poor.

Yeah, I didn't have a lot of bills living out of my car. Well, that's a way to do it. There's a lot of downtime and a lot of questionable choices in ladies just because you needed a place to stay for four days before El Paso. Dangerous gigolo days. The gigolo days of Doug Stanhope. Yeah. dangerous gigolo days the gigolo days of doug stanhope yeah you try the travel on the road thing is so such a you get a view of the country that if you really stop and think about it like how many different places you've been and your your understanding of america like you've been everywhere you've been all the all the different spots get a chance okay this is how they rock it

over here all right this is how they do it in Okay, this is how they rock it over here. All right, this is how they do it in Detroit. This is how they are in New Orleans. It's different. Oh, Connecticut's a little different. And then you put it all together and you get America. But if you're just like a dude who just like parks it in Columbus, Ohio, and fucking that's that. And all you know is CNN and TMZ. Fuck.

This is what the country's coming to. These fucking libs. These fucking libs. These fucking libs with their fucking new rules. Yeah, it's... When you're out amongst people, no one really gives a fuck. No one gives a fuck. It's bar chatter at best, but you never run into people that are actually affected. Unless you're looking for it.

Yeah. Most of the looking for it. Yeah. Most of the time it's a non-issue. But it's the most pressing issue because it can shift the country one way or another. That's what's weird about it. But no one gives a fuck about things that actually affect them locally. The thing that sets that guy off to bitch about Trump or bitch about Hillary

is he forgot to move his car on street sweeping day, but he never goes down to petition city council about hey, this is fucked up. The stop sign was obscured, your honor. And I wouldn't have run the stop sign, but there's a fucking branch in front of it and you need to cut that down and I get

a ticket and I can't afford the ticket and it's the economy fucking trump or whatever like they just bring it to the highest level well one of the things that i've realized by talking to people that really understand how things work like economics like i talked to peter schiff yesterday the economist he wanted to add him on my podcast really interesting guy no no i never had, I didn't have him on. You never had him on? No, I didn't. He's a fun guy. You could talk to him. He's never drunk in Bisbee.

He would get drunk. Yeah, no, he's a really smart guy. I mean, he's a very successful guy, but he's right there. He's right there. When you talk to him, the first time we did a show, we got drunk. We decided to have a couple of drinks and lighten up, because he was doing this Fox News, CNN thing they do, where they have these five-minute panels. We just have to rattle off statistics you have to tell

the people the problem was in economics the problem is like he's a wizard that shit we had to calm him down like dude we're here for a long time and so let's get a drink let's get a drink had a little jack daniels then he loosened up but he set up a video uh that said um uh i'm the one percent ask me uh ask me anything. Is that what he said? Something like that? Something like that. So he went to Occupy Wall Street and set up a thing that's just talking to people about economics.

Like, no, no, no, this is how you think it works. This is how it really works. This is what I realized. Talking to people like that, there's no fucking way you could be on the ball with all this stuff. With Congress and the Senate and all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes and lobbyists you would have to be fully

immersed in it you'd have to be fully immersed in it and then fully immersed in the stock market to have any kind of an argument one way or another and most people are just having these half-assed half-cocked shitty thought-out arguments about almost everything they talk about, including me. I mean, including me, especially on this podcast many, many times. But this is something that we, it's standard. There's too much shit to know.

There's too much fucking, when it comes to, like, politics, like you pretend you understand politics, like how long have they been trying to unravel this Russia thing? Like a year? I've tuned out completely. I know I don't know, and I don't care enough to try to learn. I got to a place. I went through a period of, you know, back in our conspiracy theory days. I learned a little bit, but anything that's – I really don't know how government works.

It's so hard to know. It's so hard to know. It's so hard to know. But I mean, just elementary school fucking, you know, I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill. I still don't even know what that fucking meant. I'm going to stop talking about shit I don't know. And you're probably paying attention to it more than most people. I was for a minute. Yeah.

Well, most people, the president or anybody just represents what they like. Like, I like a nice guy. Oh, I like a no-bullshit guy. Okay. And then you just find whoever best fits that mold and you support them. It's a class president.

Who's the most popular? It's fascinating, though. Yeah, I think if uh uh trump was any republican that wasn't a fucking asshole but stood for the same principles there would be no outrage they hate his personality first which i'm not against you yeah, he's a fucking loser, but he's the one you created. We were just talking about, and I mentioned it on stage here and again, that Trump makes me happy sometimes in that he's a product of everything. Like, what's that? Le'Veon Ball, that fucking basketball dad. Oh, yeah.

Le'Veon Ball, that fucking basketball dad. Oh, yeah. He's famous just because he's a fucking asshole, and he knows, hey, if I keep being a fucking asshole, the more I'm going to get noticed. And Ann Coulter, who just says, or Tom Likas, or The Nuge, we were just talking about. You had The Nuge on. Yeah.

People say outrageous things just to get attention. I'm here to tell you. And you feed the trolls and then all of a sudden you elect the troll so fuck you it's all you people that watch tmz and fucking buy a tabloid because fucking so-and-so said something outrageous again but it's a natural instinct to do that you know i was telling you before the show ted nugent is a nice guy he's like a really nice guy god do you remember trolling his message board from your message board? You trolled his message board and you were giving instructions on how

other people should troll his message board. They were so like, they were MAGA before MAGA was MAGA. They were Make America Great. I had a bit about it in my act about not needing the draft. He'd just show up at Ted Nugent concerts and scoop them up in nets. And it was something along the lines that they're going to take away NASCAR. And I forget the bit, but it was. Do you even have a message board?

No, it's over. Do they even exist? Because your message board would troll, and I got on board with the trolling Ted Nugent's message board, and I would pass him aggressively. I would backhand insult him by going, hey, we got to band together and get the Nuge back on the airwaves. It's no fair.

and get the Nuge back on the airwaves. It's no fair. All these Rage Against the Machine wannabes are getting all the airplay, and when I call to request a true rock and roll legend like Ted Nugent, they laugh me off the phone. And it's no fair that all these guys are selling out arenas and Ted Nugent is stuck at some state fair playing beside

a Tilt-A-Whirl and an Andy Gump. To a handful of people. So I'm pro-rooting people to get Nugent more notice but at the same time shit him. He's playing 35 people at the fucking Arkansas State Fair

it's no I need to answer you by the way I play to a lot more than 35 people that was the early days of people understanding message boards I understand how they worked

that's right I'm glad he never brought that up understanding message boards. I don't understand how they worked. That's right. I'm glad he never brought that up. I wouldn't have been able to defend it. I would have said, yeah, well, that's Doug. What are you going to do? He's my friend. Sorry, dude.

I think what we're talking about before is that a lot of people are nice people. This is their act. Their act is say outrageous things, get people to pay attention to them, and then it becomes... It's such a lousy trick, though. I just feel like it's so fucking lazy. Well, I think it's not all that. It's like they believe that and they also like i believe ted believes most of what he's saying but i think he also says things in an outrageous manner because

that's part of his showbiz style like he's the motor city madman you know he's he's uh he's a wild motherfucker that's going to tell you like it is and he believes a lot of what he says and he makes sense about many things but then he goes you know he goes haywire what's time but when you're with him you're like oh you're a nice guy like he's a genuinely nice guy and as much as he says crazy shit he's got his you know he believes he's supporting the intelligent side of the message that you should be able to have guns if you're a responsible law abiding person and part of me is like yeah you should be yeah but maybe you know maybe the problem is just like we were talking about people running for president you don't really get the nuanced stance of who a person is from these campaign ads or debates or anything you just get you get this

image this flash thing when if you got to know almost everybody's all right if you get to know them. I'm saying he has no reason to have his opinion. Like he has to be a dick just to keep himself like Kilroy in the public eye. Right, he's got to kind of say outrageous things. Alex Jones is a guy who maybe now he believes more than he should about his own bullshit but he created that he created his own

art form and made himself Ted Nugent is a guy who had two shitty songs in 1977 dude how dare you Stranglehold is not a shitty song I'm desperate to stay in the spotlight he's like a Kathy Griffin clawing his look look at me, please notice me.

I'm still relevant, right? But they go to him for opinions, man. I mean, there's a reason why, like, anytime there's a gun control debate, they go to Ted Nugent. Because he's going to say the outrageous thing. Not just that, he's good at it, man. It's easy to write him off like that. The problem is, like like when he debates people about Gun control he knows to actual statistics and the actual statistics are confusing

Because you find out that this at a gun violence deaths a giant chunk of them are suicide And then there's gang violence is the other ones and then it gets down to actual gun violence and then the numbers there They're there. They're weird They're not what you would want them to be you want it to be cut and dry like people are using guns and crimes of passion and school shootings and that's why there's guns you need to take them off the table but man a lot of what we attribute to deaths are suicides it's fucking dark how many people pull the trigger you know and a lot of uh gun violence is. And then there's, we were talking about Chicago, how crazy Chicago is.

What was the number again? 1,000, what was it? I don't know, because I had another stat that I was waiting to pull up that day that was crazier to me. And from like 1970, roughly, to about 89, the murders in New York City was almost triple that. It was like 2,245 was the highest it was. Oh, yeah, in the 70s, New York was crazy. Yeah, it was like average, 800, 900, yeah in the 70s new york was crazy yeah yeah there's like average right eight nine hundred i think in chicago is what it is but there was one year

there was 1500 in a year right yeah i think so yeah there's one particularly high and it was it's way more than die in afghanistan way more than die in iraq you know it's in chicago and this is like for whatever reason it's it barely gets our attention you know guys like him are important for getting that message out even if he does it in this fucked up way like we need to look at like what this thing is like we definitely have a gun problem in this country but i don't know i don't i don't think either side is right about what it is i think we have a fucking human problem the fact that humans are just running around shooting people is the problem.

It's not the fact that we're smart enough to figure out guns. Well, every time me and Chad Shank get drunk and have one of these conversations late into the night, it always boils down to overpopulation. There's too many people. Whatever the issue is, somehow we can always

boil it down to, yeah, but there's too many fucking people the issue is somehow we can always boil it down to yeah but there's too many fucking people well for sure it's we don't value people when the numbers are so high you're supposed to you value your close-knit group of friends right that's the romantic thing when there's 20 million people and you can't get anywhere like LA. You don't value people as much. Yeah, I did a bit about that. You love a kitten and if you get a pet kitten and you come home every night, oh, Mr. Bimbles, you make me so happy.

But if you came back to that same bachelor apartment of 300 square feet and there were 800 kittens in there, you couldn't kill kittens quick enough. Get my golf shoes. I'm stomping kittens. These fucking things suck.

And that's true. People are the same. They're just like currency. Yeah, well, that's why what you've done is a wise move by moving to a town of 5,000. That's very manageable. I fucking love it. I love knowing my neighbors.

Yeah, it's very manageable, too. Like what you've chosen to do is smart. I don't think big cities are manageable. I think people just put their blinders on and they just get weird. They just get weird. And some people say, well, I get energy from the city. I'm like, I totally get that. You go to New York City, I totally get it.

You walk around, there's a buzz. There's so many people, it's a buzz. Oh, it's dreadful to me. Yeah, but I get a buzz oh it's dreadful to me yeah but i don't i just i get a buzz of anger and murder it doesn't bother me that much but it does overwhelm me i i'm very claustrophobic and the more i age the more things it just gets worse well it's also such in direct contrast to the way you live you know but i i've always yeah hey i just going out to smoke a cigarette and you can't like you're afraid you're gonna burn someone because you've sublet your personal space and

people are walking that close to you you try to get in a door jam just so you don't burn a fucking pedestrian with your cigarette there's no way out of like there's no way of thinning that out either unless they make it so outrageously expensive that literally half the people can't. They are trying. I mean, that's the crazy thing is so many people want to be there. And there's so many people there that they could just keep jacking the rents up and jacking the real estate payments up. What I was saying about Ted Nugent and you were saying about uh tom likus and a lot of these other people it's we it's it it's real easy to write somebody off you know it's real easy to write

people off i'm trying to do less of that because like i'm trying to get to a point like when do you let someone when do you like when do, when do you decide? Who did you have on recently? Someone's like, yeah, I don't like him anymore because now he has so-and-so on his podcast. You had someone that just some random person was going, eh. For everybody, there's a person like that. For some people, it's a hardcore lefty. It was someone, I know they didn't even listen to the fucking show.

Jordan Peterson, was it him? Is he like a fucking Nazi guy or something? Or like an alt-righter? No, sometimes people think he is, but it probably wasn't him. It was probably someone more controversial like Ben Shapiro or Steven Crowder or one of those guys. But none of them are Nazis. And Jordan Peterson is much more of a centrist than anything. He's not right.

He's like more of a – you know what a classic liberal is? The idea of treating people as the individual instead of collective, instead of a group, instead of identifying with a group of whatever, no matter what it is. Treat people as individuals. And he's a big proponent of personal responsibility and treating people as individuals. And because of that, and because of some of the things he said about they're trying to enforce pronouns for transgender people, like ones that they made up,

like a bunch of them. There was a bill that was a human rights violation thing, because they have that human rights council in Canada. And he was arguing this is a slippery slope. You can't compel people to use made-up words. You can't just decide that you're going to make up a bunch of gender pronouns and then get people to say it. And who makes them up?

There's like 78 of them, apparently, that Facebook accepts. Like there's Z-H-I-R, Z-I-R-E. There's like, they just make them up. Like anybody can make them up. What do you want? This? Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Yeah. And so because it's controversial, because people said, oh, you're picking on trans people. And he's like, no, I'm not. No, I fully support your right to be a trans person i just don't want to use these bloody made-up words is what he was saying and he felt like this is a slippery slope to controlling people's behavior and it starts like this and they shame you into thinking their way and there's a group think part of it involved so because of that he got so lumped into um this alt-right idea that, he's the guy who hates transgender people.

It's just like we were talking about people running for president. You don't really get to see who the real person is. You get to see this surface, oh, he's the no-nonsense guy. I'll take him. That's what they do with him. I go, he's the guy who hates transgender folks. He doesn't at all. If you really wanted to, like, you would never know a candidate's true intentions if they were a good candidate. If they were a crafty politician, I would go out and say whatever the fuck.

If it worked for Trump, I'll do it better. And I'll say shit like that. And then I'll just be lying. Right. I'm going to deport everyone. It's Holocaust three, whatever they want to hear. And then you go in and go, I'm just kidding. And then you do the right thing.

Yeah. I was kind of hoping Trump would. I think you could manipulate his ego to a point where you could get him to do your bidding just by saying, oh, you're getting good numbers by doing this. And the left hates this. So, yeah, you should legalize marijuana. And he wouldn't need logic. He'd just need to have his ego fed, and he'd do all the right things. I think that's what he's holding in his back pocket, to legalize marijuana. I think as we get closer to the election,

I think he makes marijuana federally legal. And I think if he does that, the stoners just fucking raise their arms in the air And they go fuck it I'm going with Trump Do you just know how much that will change the world Just that And they still won't vote Yeah they still won't vote

I know a lot of people complained they didn't vote I don't think I voted I know I was No I did You should be able to vote online Should be able to vote online Should be very simple Should be a thing you fill out with your social security card

Number You use a face ID thing from a fucking laptop You can do it on your phone You can call an 800 number like American Idol You can only that's you know i think it'd be nice if you you knew for sure and it's most people have a laptop with a camera on it or a web camera somewhere they're not hard you get a usb web camera they're cheap they're pretty cheap now and you just do that and you fucking vote that way that wouldn't be hard to do.

They'd be able to come up with software that could read your face, know if it's you. A lot of laptops even have fingerprint sensors now. You could fucking vote online. They don't want you to. They want it as difficult and confusing as possible. They want to keep it this convoluted mess. You're going to take time off of work. They want you to just go like this all the time like what is this what are we doing they don't want like smooth sailing

everything sorted out everybody doing well no they want like you were saying how your town works because you got left and right they want it they want a little just a little yeah you get debate you got people wearing sidearms at Safeway just because they can. You're in Arizona. Yeah. So you get that kind of redneck element. But it's not a Trump versus Hillary. And obviously in that small town, there's no Black Lives Matter rallies.

But people still go out and protest for you know red for ed for you know the teacher thing and see that sidearm thing can work in a limited amount of people you know if you're walking around midtown manhattan and bumping into people everywhere you got a gun right here that shit's not gonna work you know if you're if you're a guy who's in arizona you're just worried about some you know wild drug smugglers coming across the border and shooting up your city yeah you got to worry about that don't you you're like right there yeah but they keep going it's the old carlin bit where he's like people bitching about they're gonna build a prison in our community and like if they escape they're not going to be hanging around. They're going to keep going. That is true, because you're only like seven

miles. I'm sure I did that a huge injustice. I'm sure I'm misquoting Carlin, but something to that effect. But yeah, you see undocumented aliens getting busted, but there's no fucking drug war shit going on. They'll confiscate weed

out of a false bottom fake gas tank at the checkpoint i know guys who have been camping on the border camping near the border on the u.s side and had run-ins with people who were uh coming across they said it got some of them got real sketchy because that's basically they're coming across like constantly all the time and you just if you're there like these guys were on a deer hunting trip and uh they just said they were just running into people all the time they were looking for water they were looking it's yeah people leave water out you know where they they come across uh wow and like every other house in our neighborhood has uh humanitarian aid is never

a crime because you're not supposed to fucking leave water out in the desert in case someone's dying you're not supposed to they tell you not to i i don't know exactly what the law is but there's placards just like every election is vote for mayor joe and vote for Bill for City Council. This humanitarian aid is never a crime. And I don't know what the law was or what exactly, but... That's some dark shit when you tell people don't give them water. Have you seen that video of Border Patrol people fucking just going out and dumping out water that people have left in the desert

and laughing about it. Like, fuck you. Yeah, they're just... Did you see the Border Patrol agent that ran over the guy? That was a video that just came out last week. No, I didn't see that at all. One of the reservations, one of the Indian reservations, on one of the Border Patrol roads,

a guy was filming and the car is coming right at me. He's coming right at me. And then it fucking hits him and then turns around and he got it all on tape. The guy that he actually hit drove off. Jesus Christ. There's some fucking assholes. A lot of people, assholes gravitate. Just like child molesters gravitate towards preschool teacher and priest.

Fucking assholes gravitate towards cop and border... Anywhere they can... Oh, look at this. Boom. Is that him standing up? And now laying down after the border patrol fucking runs over him. That is crazy. That is crazy.

after the border patrol fucking runs over him. That is crazy. That is crazy. I can't, like, I have a hard time. I'll get into going down wormholes of, you know, bad cops and fucking bad border patrol. You get hit like that, I mean, you're making a decision to shatter a person's body probably forever.

You're hitting someone that hard with a truck? That guy's got probably, everything's probably broken. Yeah, and it's on a dirt road where it's like he did it on purpose. There's no other excuse. No, he did it on purpose. Well, yeah, I have too much hate in my life where i go sometimes i just have to ignore shit just wake up in the morning and i get on newser and i click on fucking cop throws a guy through a play class window kind of shit and yeah you know beatings and shit and yeah you know beatings and i you know i've said this a hundred times but it's worth repeating i don't think most people are qualified to be cops i think it's a really fucking hard job

and i think the pressure of it fucks people up even if they did go into that job if they gravitate towards it because they were bullies which i'm sure a certain percentage do certain for i think for most of them it's just a good job and they think they can pull it off. I met a lot of cops that are good guys. But I think the pressure of that job and being shot at all the time and worrying every time you pull somebody over, you're going to get shot. And everybody's seen those videos of people pulling people over and they pull out a gun and kill the cop.

There's one that's haunting man the guy pulls over this vietnam vet and he starts he starts screaming for the guy to get back in the car the guy pulls out a rifle and the guy just starts shooting at him and he gets hit and he's screaming just almost stop it stop it stop it and the guy just keeps shooting the cop while all this is happening and the guy's like screaming for his life while this guy's just gunning him down like man tell me these cops haven't seen this they're all fucked up and it's it becomes almost like a game and the game is i'm trying to score on you it's like you're doing uh you're playing one-on-one basketball or you're doing jujitsu or something you're trying to score on somebody and the score on them is i think you're up to something no good let me see

spread your legs let me check your body what's going on the car what do you got what's this what's that you're trying and if you get it oh we got it score if you don't get it fuck swinging a miss and so you go looking for things to be wrong and that person becomes the enemy just like you push people on a fucking football field or on the other team that's what you're doing to the people that you're supposed to be protecting and serving. They become the enemy. They become the thing that you're trying to score on. And it's just stupid monkey games start playing around in people's heads. And I think almost nobody's qualified for that. I know a very few, like big John McCarthy, the UFC referee, he was a cop, fucking greatest guy you ever want to meet, the nicest guy ever. But he's also a big

giant dude who's not intimidated by people and he has a good way of calming people down relaxing people but he's very sensible like very normal and he's a cop his whole life he's cop for many many years it's just a fucking impossible job man every day you're dealing with crime every day you're dealing with murder you deal with people beating their wives you deal with kids that get hit by cars you're dealing with just the most horrible shit. And we can boil this down to too many people because I live in a town where I know the cops. Same cop came to two Super Bowl parties in consecutive years the night before when we had a big pre-party on the Saturday night

and came for noise complaints two years in a row the first time he walked in Christine Levine was on stage doing her act and you can hear everything in my neighborhood just speaking and when she's on a microphone doing a bit about my after three kids my pussy looks like it it swallowed a dog that chewed its way out. And I know every fucking neighbor is at least 30 houses that can hear this over their TV. That's hilarious. And the cops, but that cop came twice. And then I'd see him at Safeway and we'd friendly. And when Bingo and I had our brief breakup breakup that cop came to my house i'm sitting

in the fun house and i see a cop walking and i'm like oh that's fucking janice officer bob friendly and he came and he goes hey uh i know it's none of my business but i i heard you going through a tough time and i just wanted to see if you're okay i'm like that is fucking cool and now he he comes over all the time. And wow. Yeah, that is. Yeah. That's the benefit of the 5,000 person town.

When you know everybody. Yeah. There's definitely, that's not a homeless guy. That's brokey. We have, but everyone knows our homeless will work for food guy by name. Do you think that you appreciate that more because you travel so much, because you get to go back to that.

And this is home and home is this quiet, cool place filled with artists and farmers and just weirdos and shit. But you're always like now you're in Dublin. Now you're in London. Now you're in San Francisco. Now you're in, you know, you're always moving around so much that you get a beautiful taste of everything. And then this is like the quiet home. Also, I rarely go out. I go to Safeway every day, even if I don't need anything.

It's my thing. I wake up, and I go to Safeway, and I find what's good discount meat. I love a bargain in the discount meats. And other than that, I don't go out. I don't go to bars. I have a bar in my house. The people I know, they come over to my house and we hang out there yeah no you've got an interesting setup man whenever i listen to your podcast i'm like this is such a fascinating setup

but i mean life the same as the comedy store which when i come back i love it and i see a thousand people all in one night that I've known over the years. But I don't hate anyone. Right. Where you hear all the, oh, that fucking, I hate that fucking cunt. She thinks she's funny and she's not funny. Like I would, yeah, I would be, if I lived there, if I was a regular like everyone else at the comedy store, yeah, then I'd have my beefs and I'd be political. There's very few beefs there these days it's interesting but i'm just saying like snipey back talk right you know talk

shit behind your back thing i'd get into that again like now i'm really happy to see everyone i don't care if they suck i don't watch their acts anyway but that's what bisbee's like and i keep it that way where i don't go out i don't get involved in their fucking petty squabbles and everyone's backstabby shit. Because even when I am there for a long time, I don't leave the house. I don't go out. So I don't have to take sides. I'm a very fucking neutral country. I know what you're saying about avoiding conflict.

But honestly, the comedy store these days is almost conflict-free. It's weird. It's so much weirder than it's ever been there before. It's like this super, super supportive community. It's very different. I'll just say comedy in general in LA. Well, anywhere. New York.

I should be headlining that place, and they won't give me this. I don't have to deal with that. Yeah. And that's how I keep bisbee where i go out rarely a lot of people don't believe i live there like they think i just have a house there that i show up to and say i live in that would be funny it would be funny if you only dress like this on the show and then you uh immediately the show's over, oh, I can't wait to get dressed for my golf tee off in an hour.

And then you put on a polo shirt and a fat Rolex and some nice slippers. I have ridiculous suits and pajamas. That's it. That's it? I don't have a pair of jeans. When did you become ridiculous suit guy? What year did you just give in to the ridiculous suit? When I got my first really good one. The one I wore, I forget what special it was.

I've done this occasionally throughout the years and I used to wear a Santa hat for a while. And then we'd dress up in just fucking dumb shit sometimes just because I was bored like Muslim prayer robes on stage. And where were you getting these ridiculous suits? Well, I got this. My neighbor Evelyn found this great old plaid vintage 70s sport coat, and I just happened to find a pair of yellow pants that matched it perfectly. So then I'd start really looking for when I could put a whole suit together, and I'm like, all right.

And then I realized white shoes go with everything. So white loafers. So then I just, that's all we do when we're driving on the road. The only interests I have are we hit all the thrift stores in the town and try to find good sushi, and that's it. I'll go to a fucking museum. So you look for wacky clothes to try on. Yeah, you don't know who's closing.

Now I have a closet. That's why I do these eBay yard sales every couple years, and I sell all the suits I'm tired of because my closet is fucking buckling. Wow. What a weird thing to collect. Get on the mailing list. You've been doing this as long as I have.

You get a cool poster, a tour poster, and you go, I like that. But as the years go on, you're just building up clutter in your crawl space. And you can only have so many pictures of yourself around. Fans will send me artwork, like, you know, portraits they did of me. And I'm like, what am I going to put up? More pictures of me in my house?

Like, company comes over and it's just some fucking museum of you. That's why you got to buy the house near the landing strip. Just turn to the Doug Stanhope Resort. Well, I sell the shit. I do eBay yard sales. And yeah, a fan would like that in their house.

I don't need a picture of me. You'd like a tour poster. That's a good move. So yeah, get on the mailing list at DougStanhope.com because we're doing another one in August. So what do you do? You do them personally? Like, are you out there auctioning stuff off? No, we just put it all on

eBay and call it the Doug Stanoe eBay yard sale and people bid on stuff and uh nice yeah and it's a you don't want to throw this stuff away you can't give it to the thrift store no one wants it there so you're wearing a bunch of different people's clothes that have lived different weird lives you know think about how many like the kind of clothes that you're buying you're buying like guys who were getting pussy in the 70s. That's the kind of clothes. I used to do a bit about that,

and I don't know if I ever recorded that, but about wearing this polyester under hot lights. You can only imagine how bad fucking had to smell in the 70s. Someone was dancing all night at the studio 54 and oh you know doing blow and then sweating and then fucking in a bathroom with all their pubes on and yeah and no deodorant what was deodorant like back then it was terrible right guard aerosol that's what i grew up with remember when everybody thought there was going to be a giant hole in the ozone layer from hairspray yeah like hairspray going to be a giant hole in the ozone layer from

hairspray? Yeah. Like hairspray is going to put a hole in the ozone layer. And like, apparently there's a big hole above Australia. Australia has it bad. Like there's all those skin cancer. You do sunburn. Different, right?

Very rapidly in Australia. Yeah. I think there's a hole over there. Did they ever really prove that was from hairspray? Look at that. There it is. Right over Australia. There's a goddamn hole.

The image of the largest Antarctic ozone hole ever recorded over the South Pole, September 2006. Layers of the atmosphere not to scale. The Earth's ozone layer is mainly found on the lower portion of the stratosphere from approximately 20 to 30 kilometers. Ozone depletion. So there's a hole.

Yeah, and if the whole world was underneath that hole we'd have some fucking real problems you play australia yeah yeah i've been i haven't been in a while though last time i did uh melbourne had a great time or how did they make you say it melbourne melbourne um i like sydney dunn sydney there too. The nice people. I like them. Yeah. Yeah, that's my favorite. And I did Hobart, Tasmania, which is weird. Wow, Tasmania. I read that.

I just did a couple weeks there in April. And I read it's called The Fatal Shore. And it's like this 700-page history of Australia, and it's fucking brutal. Oh, it's crazy. It's absolutely brutal. From the time they started shipping the prisoners there for nothing, and they're in shackles and dying, pestilence. laughing and shackles and dying of pestilence. They're in, you know, in halls. They sit in boats for months waiting to be shipped to a camp.

It's just brutal after brutal. And then a flogging until the skin fell off his back. And then, and then you do an interview where they're going, oh, people need comedy in these times because they're worse than ever. I go, have you read your fucking history? Trump is not the fucking worst thing ever. When you look at your own fucking history. They did some dark shit to the Aborigines, too. Oh, yeah.

One of the things they did, they took Aborigine kids away from their parents. They tried to raise them with white families. They did it in like the 1950s, I think. They were telling me about it when I was there. And it was one of them jaw-dropper conversations where people were talking. You're like, what? Like they stole people's babies and raised them as white kids. Because they didn't think the Aborigines knew what they were doing.

So they just said, you don't know how to raise that kid. Give me that kid. It's kind of like the foster system. Well, they took them it's not like the foster system the idea would be that someone would either have to go to jail or someone would be murdered or you're an unfit parent and that's sometimes right i guess that does happen right if someone's a drug addict or a criminal they'll take your kid away and put it in foster care. But this is just taking your kid away because you're an Aborigine. Which, if their society thinks that's a bad way, what's wrong with a drug addict? I know drug addicts that can do a lot of stuff functionally.

Some of them, yeah. There's levels to that. There's levels to drug addict. You know what's weird about the Aborigines? They have hundreds of languages. They speak different languages. Like you'll be in what they call a mob. They call themselves mobs.

Like a tribe, it's a mob. And you'll have a mob, but there'll be another mob that's 30 kilometers away, and they speak a totally different language. You don't know what the fuck they're saying. And then there's another one over there, and most of it's not even written down. And there's hundreds and hundreds of them. And they're all over. I mean, it's an amazing, strange culture.

Like the culture of the Aborigines in Australia. My friend Adam, Adam Greentree, he runs a mining company in Australia. And he works with a lot of the Aborigine people. He gets them jobs and gets to understand their culture and talk to them he's told me some just insane shit about how these people have lived and they've been there forever you know they've been there for a long time all living in these little tribes these little mobs it's crazy yeah they would have no structures when they first showed up yeah over there the aborigines were basically packs and

they would you know basically cut and burn or you know they'd you know hunt as much as they could in an area and they didn't have houses they had no like they just move on yeah yeah and they were living you know like essentially like how native amer Americans were maybe in the 1400s, the 1500s, probably even more simply. Right. I mean, I wonder. Well, that's why they wouldn't fuck with New Zealand, because the Maori, however you pronounce that, the Maori people, they were fucking badasses, and they were somewhat fortified. I retained so little.

I read the book, and two days later, I have like three facts that I probably have two of them wrong, but they were terrified of the fucking... Everybody's scared of the Maoris. Everybody's scared of them. Just New Zealand people are very fierce. They're fierce people it's just it's crazy to think that those two places particular australia was a prison

colony essentially for you for england i mean that's that's how they treated it it was it was fucking slavery is what it was it was was white slavery because the whole idea was to make these prisoners build this into a country. Meanwhile, the crazy thing is the weather is way better than England. I know. Only fucking England would use the beautiful place as a fucking penal colony. Yeah. I can't wait to get back to fucking Shropshire ham by the sea where it's fucking 48 degrees

and gloomy and shitty. Gloomy and everybody's just sour and dour. Meanwhile, you're in the Gold Coast of Australia, jumping into the water, having a martini on the beach. The weather's perfect. Yeah, but same token, back then, there

was no fucking plumbing and it was hard to find clean water to drink. That's true. Everything kills you. Everything kills you, including jellyfish. That's what's the most fucked up. Goddamn jellyfish kill you. Jellyfish. Saltwater crocodiles.

Oh, they're everywhere. They just captured one in Australia. I saw that. They've been looking for it forever. Fucking huge. 15 feet long. 1 just captured one in Australia. I saw that. They've been looking for it forever. Fucking huge. 15 feet long. 1,300 and something pounds. They're always catching sharks.

There's sharks all over the place. The outside water is just surrounded with great whites. Sharks, saltwater crocodiles. Spiders that'll kill you. Spiders, brown snakes. Bugs that'll kill you. All these different things. But the people are cool as fuck.

They're like some of my favorite people. Racist as fuck, too, though. Look at that. Are they really? Yeah, I would say, yeah, you're a bunch of fucking racists and they cheer. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa.

Look at the size of that crocodile they captured. What in the fuck, man? It's 60 years old? How many people have that thing eaten that thing's eating at least oh there's shoes in that belly oh yeah oh a friend of mine uh filmed this show it's called uncharted and uh his name is jim shocky and he's this uh professional hunter from canada they hired him to go to africa to shoot these crocodiles that were killing all these people that lived in this village. While they were there, someone got snatched and taken by a crocodile. And like, so you're seeing everyone in the village is missing an arm or they have a chunk

taken out of their head or a chunk taken out of their thigh. You're like, this is nuts. Like these people are always in fear of getting eaten. Everywhere they go, they're free of getting eaten by these enormous Nile crocodiles. You know, 13, 14 feet long, just grabbing people and pulling them underwater. I really want to go to the Outback. They have a train.

They have two trains. One's called the Gan that goes from Adelaide all the way up to Darwin. And then they have another that goes all the way from Perth to Sydney. And I really want to just do a train trip, because in the middle there's like Coober Pedy is a mining town where most of the town is underground because it gets that hot.

It's 120 degrees, so they built the town underground. Jesus. Yeah, I want to go see some weird shit. Sydney is fucking Vancouver. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, it want to go see some weird shit. Sydney is fucking Vancouver. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, it's not the weird shit. And you could drive for hours and hours and not see nothing in Australia. A lot of these guys, they get those snorkels on their cars,

and it's not for going underwater. It's just because of the amount of dirt you have to drive through. Oh, yeah, the utes. Yeah, you want to have a snorkel high above your car so that you're getting cleaner air. Yeah. They all have extended gas tanks. They get these giant gas tanks put on

because they know they're going to be driving for 15, 16 hours without seeing a gas station. Yeah. Fuck, man. That's why I thought the train. Yeah. No, it's a weird place, man. Australia is one of the last weird places.

There's 20 million people in the entire country, and it's the same size as the contiguous United States. Yeah, of dirt. It's all dirt, and there's only 20 million people. Less than live in L.A. Live in this one huge country. I love it. It's like a small town but a country yeah you know like the same proportions yeah and it's all darwin is the only one i want to go to that's

north and really tropical why do you want to go to that one it just sounds like a weird place to go i want to go to the galapagos that's where darwin did all of his research the galapagos. That's where Darwin did all of his research. The Galapagos Islands are some of his research. He's compiling his theories on evolution. It's apparently some crazy tropical island that they're trying so hard to keep it from being

touched and influenced by people. But every time people go over there, you have to clean off their shoes. Yeah, it's like the don't step off the track.

What's the fucking go back in time, the butterfly effect? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, people are, I mean, everywhere we, but isn't that how life got spread all across the world? I mean, I know we shouldn't do it on purpose and foolishly, but, I mean, a lot of how life got spread is just things, picking things up and carrying them in their shit and dropping them off there.

Guns, germs, and steel. Yeah. I mean, that's really how everything gets spread. We're just doing it on a larger scale because we use planes and boats. Like Hawaii. Everything on Hawaii is something somebody brought over. Everything. Like there's like some birds that used to live there and some bugs.

You know? And everything else is all the different wildlife, all the animals. They've just been brought over there. everything like there's like some birds that used to live there and some bugs you know and everything else all the different wildlife all the animals they've just been brought over there it's nothing worse than going to hawaii and hearing white people bitch about the tourists white people that live there yeah oh yeah that's funny and how this the tourism is destroying the ecosystem and like who the fuck are you? Yeah. That's silly. And what would you do without the tourists?

Yeah. You should understand. You think Roseanne's going to actually fucking make money off a macadamia nut farm? You think she's going to be out selling fucking nuts somewhere? Oh, she never, yeah, she never, I think I told you, she called me again and goes, I'm ready to do Rogan. We've been going back and forth. All right.

Well, now she says she's going to do her own podcast. Yeah, she's, we're going to do it. It's just going to take time. You know, I told, this is what I told her. She said, like, she contacted me the other day. She says, I'm ready to do it whenever you are. I said, you just tell me when and we'll do it. And then we're trying to figure out.

Well, I'm in Salt Lake City at my mother's mother's house yeah there was a little bit of that and then you know she's just trying to figure out when's the right time but she said she wants to do her own youtube channel and she's she's upset at everybody and and i felt like you know she's there's a lot of merit in what she's saying you know i really do think she got fucked over. I really do think she made a joke about a woman that she didn't know was black. And a woman who's, I think she's only one-eighth black, right? Is that what she is? Oh, yeah, I saw the picture, and I went, oh, I get it now. Yeah, she does now.

I talked to her on the phone afterwards where she goes, she was asking me for advice, and she said, I really fucked up, and I honestly didn't think she was black. And then she goes, did you ever do Ambien? I go, that's exactly why I stopped doing Ambien. And I'm sure that's why she tweeted that, where I'm like, just talk about this on Rogan, because Rogan spends time. You can explain stuff.

Stop fucking tweeting. Yeah. And that tweet where she goes, oh, I did take an Ambien. Well, yeah, you drink on Ambien and you're fucked. I can tell you a million stories of normal on a flight, he took an Ambien and had a couple of bourbons and then just started going fucking batch. It has no recollection of it. And I've done stuff that was like minor where I just had a very lucid business conversation with Hannigan after I'd taken an Ambien on my like a light night of drinking for me, which six or seven beers. an Ambien on my, like a light night of drinking for me, which six or seven beers.

And I went to bed and then I get, got up 15 minutes later and went out and had this very lucid business conversation that I don't remember at all. And I brought it up to him the next day, something we were going to talk about. He goes, we talked about this last night. I go, no, he's like, yes, you came out. I go, no, I went to bed. He goes, yes, but you came out shortly after. You seemed very, like, completely normal. Wow.

Kevin James, he made dinner. He went downstairs, made his own dinner, cooked it, ate it, went back to bed, got up in the morning and was like, who the fuck cooked? And then they're like, you did. He's like, no, I didn't. He was like, no, yeah, you did. Look, got up in the morning and was like, who the fuck cooked? And then they're like, you did. He's like, no, I didn't. He was like, no, yeah, you did. Look, hey, you threw this away.

Like, you cooked this. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Renee's brother, you remember my ex Renee, her brother and his buddy took some ambience, had minor amounts of cocktails, woke up on a lawn in a neighborhood they didn't know where they were. Jesus. And that's where it was that one lucid business conversation where you go, that could have been me driving my car into someone's front fucking porch. Yeah. So, yeah, I swore it off.

My mom said that she took it and no booze, just took the Ambien and wound up drawing on a bathroom carpet, you know, on those little bathroom rugs, just drawing on it with like lipstick and nail polish. Doesn't have any recollection of doing it. Just drawing on it like a little kid would, where they pull out the nail polish, just start. It's a weird thing. It's called a hypnotic. That's what they call call that that category of drugs the other thing with rosanna is like she well she's got serious mental illness and she's

on a bunch of different medications well she's got legit multiple personality disorder she's talked about it and i don't think they call it multiple personality disorder anymore i think they have a new name for it, but It's just a no really good rebranding fucking mental illnesses like come on man. It's like this is what it is It is multiple personality disorder She has a bunch of different people and you know if you talk to people that have been around her and see her switch from Personality to personality you realize like oh, and you, a lot of this also came from head trauma. She's one of several

comedians that became a different person because of head trauma. I think she was hit by a car as well. Sam Kinison, same thing, hit by a car. I think she was in a car accident. I don't know if it was child molestation or... Yeah, it was that too.

Disassociative identity disorder. That's what they're calling it now. And she also can't fucking tell the difference between Twitter and a green room. Because if every single comic was recorded, the dark shit that we say in green rooms, because we're comics and we say the worst possible thing. Especially to make each other laugh. Yeah, exactly. Because you go to the darkest areas and you say all the wrong words and you're you're you say the most racist thing to your black comic friend and he says the fucking worst thing to you about your fucking your ugly fucking teeth or your fat or your fucking yeah stupid and if she walked into the green room

and said that about that lady we would be laughing right we would be laughing especially if we didn't think we wouldn't know who she was right we wouldn't know and then i didn't know and if she was saying something racist you'd look at the picture and go i don't get it i had no understanding of who that woman was i never had heard of her before until roseanne got fired and i was like who is this lady you know she's saying she's in a muslim brotherhood and and then rosanna said that she thought she was jewish i was like okay if you like i didn't think she was black i thought she was jewish and then i looked at the picture i go all right well yeah the fucking that's a that's not a cut and dry one if you read two years of Roseanne's tweets

that would not be the one that stood out she just says fucking insane stuff that makes no sense all the time what did she say that Susan Rice she said was a great big a big ape

with no a man she's a man with giant swinging ape balls this was like five years ago and then five years later they give her that sitcom and can't believe she's acting crazy that's

I completely fault ABC seeing a fucking cash cow that no they thought they could handle her. Hey, we can make a lot of money by giving a toddler a pistol. Well, you know what else she said? She felt like she was being removed. But he has to promise not to.

What? She felt like she was being removed from the creative process, too. There was a bunch of things going on even before this. And that this was like one of the final steps. But that they were, she was having a hard time with the whole process and she was definitely having a hard time with being overworked. She's like, I'm an episode about the Illuminati and Zionism.

What? Maybe we should get you out of the writer's room. Well, no, it wouldn't be a bad idea to do an episode about her thinking that everything is the Illuminati. I mean, that's fucking gold comedy there.

There's so much there. I had explained to her chemtrails like, thinking that everything is the Illuminati. I mean, that's fucking gold comedy there. There's so much there. I had to explain it to her chemtrails. But the thing is, different than anybody that I've ever talked to about these kind of wacky conspiracy theories, when I explained to her how those clouds are made, she went, oh, okay. She just let it go. Like, most of them don't fucking let it go.

If you tell them that, well, you see those planes, they're spraying overhead, and you go, no, no, no no it's the heat of the engine the condensation in the atmosphere It's actually creating a cloud It's just the water vapor and then it mixes with the heat of this engine and makes clouds That's all it is Roseanne just goes okay like just let it go like everybody else is like bullshit, man There's fucking documents. There's papers the CIA's admitted it It's one of the hardest things in the world when you get a stupid conspiracy theory in your head it one of the

hardest things in the world is to just go that might be bullshit it might be bullshit what's your uh what's your latest favorite conspiracy theory because i i've dropped off the map the favorite one that i believe in yeah or man i don't have a good one that i believe in are there new ones that people always there's always new ones everything everything's a goddamn conspiracy this is like constantly everything that everybody does what's a good one jamie what's a good recent conspiracy theory the russia stuff but i can't but i can't make fucking heads or tails this russia shit i every time i read the mueller documents i'm reading what's been reported and who's getting indicted and i'm like this is too much yeah i i this is too much you know early he just asked for

a hundred blank indictments yesterday mueller did yeah oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. A hundred? Yeah. What if they arrest Trump? Are they allowed to arrest him? That's part of what the whole thing with the judge is going on right now. Dude. The Supreme Court judge.

Well, somebody was explaining the relationship that the judge has, the judge who stepped down has to Trump. His son is Trump's banker from Deutsche Bank. Jesus. It's too much to pay attention to. Occasionally I'll look and, okay, Trump and Kim Jong-il and Dennis Rodman are... Partying together in Ibiza. Yeah. In Singapore.

Oh, the newest one is the new fake Melania Trump. They think it's a new body double. That Melania is not going on these trips anymore. That's true. I know that one. If we called Alex Jones, he'd yell at us about it. Is it true? What does it say?

Two hours ago, this article got published. Okay. Eerie new pictures of Melania Trump reignite conspiracy theory she's using a body double. Okay, what are the pictures? This is supposed to be her in 2017. Okay. What website is this, by the way?

I don't know. I like how you go, I don't know. You're not even going to check. I just went to the first one that was just posted. Well, what are the pictures down low? That's ones that are supposed to look weird. I think if you scroll lower... I think we have an answer

to why Melania is missing so much lately. Look closely. Yeah, it doesn't look like her. That's only in this, I mean, that does not look like her. Only in this presidency would this be something that we would think about. Only. This is the only, we're like, man, that does not look like her. Only in this presidency would this be something that we would think about.

Only. This is the only, we're like, man, that ain't even his wife. These are the goddamn body double. Like, what are they going to do if Melania leaves him? He's going to get a double. He's going to get a body double. He's just going to give her money to stay in Manhattan. He could just go, I hooked up with this chick on Tinder.

And like, what's going to happen? At what point are people going to stop being completely befuddled that he said something stupid? Stormy Daniels got arrested yesterday. Yeah, that's some bullshit. Sue's touching an undercover cop. Was it she was touching an undercover cop or she allowed the undercover cop to touch her? I believe that. But what I read from her attorney last night on Twitter is that this is the same show or whatever,

a performance she's been doing all over the country. It's like it's what she does. They knew that she was going to do it. So it was almost a setup or something. Yeah, she wasn't blowing a guy in the fucking champagne room or something. Yeah, she wasn't blowing a guy in the fucking champagne room or something. When you read the law, it said the law was that you can't touch someone in an adult establishment unless it's a family member. That's the fucking law.

Whoa. So if you walked over to Jamie and rubbed his back, you'd go to jail? Unless we're related. We haven't done a 23 and me yet. An employee who regularly appears nude or semi-nude at a sexually oriented business is prohibited from touching patrons except for family members. Huh. So, uh... Yeah, that's...

The charges were already dismissed. Oh, there it goes. The charges were dismissed according to court documents. So it almost makes more news that she was arrested. I wonder if it was like a rogue cop who's like a fucking Trump fan. Who's like, fuck this bitch. I'm just going to fucking do it for Donald. Yeah.

Yeah. It could have been. That's like, that's not a well thought, well oiled plan by the White House. well-oiled plan by the white house that's a that's a plan by one fucking yahoo with a with a three different maga hats at home you know on the fucking show fucking thorn in his shoe yeah this bitch she thinks she's gonna take down potus that's my favorite when they call him potus you know like they like if potus did thisOTUS did this, like, it's Trump. It's Trump. We've got to stop.

Yeah, that's one syllable. Not only that, it's like, this is what got us here in the first place. Daniels removed what? Okay, in probation affidavit attained by CNN, detectives who were at the Sirens Gentleman's Club said they observed Daniels remove her top and force Patron's face into her chest. Force. Yeah, well, she's a monster. Hey, I wasn't here for this.

Yeah, it's not like she did that to a trained killer with a gun. She did it to a cop. It's not like even a regular guy. It's a guy who makes his living stopping crime. Stopping fun. He's a vice cop. But he can't even stop a tit plunge like he she forced him in there there was nothing he could do about it was basically rape there's nothing he could do he couldn't go hey stop another me too when officers witnessed those activities three detective approachedives approached the stage. Daniels allegedly made her way towards the two detectives, leaned over, and grabbed their faces.

She shoved each of their faces between her breasts, court documents said. Come on. They locked her up for that. Smacked the officer's face with her breasts. They, they, I can't believe that. She fondled a third officer's buttocks and breasts, according to the document, and then forced the officer's head between her breasts and smacked the officer's face with her breasts. Can you imagine arresting somebody for that?

You fucking lazy civil servant leech. You leech. You leech. There's money that could have gone to schools. There's money that could have gone to fixed streets. Money could have gone to all sorts of good things in the community. But you leeched it, you fucking snail. Just creeped

over, got that lady to touch you and arrested her. Well, I did get $6,000 bail. Yeah, but the charges have already dismissed. Doesn't she get that money back? Yeah, I think so. It's ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous. That's the thing we were saying. But mean but this is cops some of them are awesome some of them are awesome and

just get a certain small percentage of them that ruin it for everybody it doesn't even have to be one percent but if one percent of cops is out there shooting kids i mean it's less than that because it's it's less than it's not even every day, right? A cop doing something fucked up is usually like once a week. Think of the fucking millions of interactions these cops have with people. I mean, every day something's going

wrong all over the country. Someone's pulling someone over that has a gun. Someone's pulling someone over that has an expired license or stolen property or they're just constantly dealing with people it's amazing i think as little as they do there's an argument in hey the cop should live in the community he's policing yes yes yeah the most certainly yes otherwise you're an outsider right i mean that was uh how they used to be like the cops if you

were in uh you know in new jersey in the 1970s the cop that was patrolling your neighborhood lived in the neighborhood you probably all knew him by name yeah i mean officer bob friendly my cop friend in bisbee told me a story about where he had to do a welfare check in a house and he's you know they force entry and he's yelling, police, we're just here to do a welfare check. Hello. Some older guy that could have been fucking dead. And he's expecting to to find a corpse when no one's answering. And he gets up the staircase and he gets halfway around. And this guy with half dementia holding a fucking.45 on him

and he has to make that split-second decision to draw his gun and shoot and he just ducked the other way. Hey, we're just here to make sure you're okay. And he was like that close to taking a fucking bullet in the head just trying to make sure a neighbor isn't dead. Okay, I understand where it's you're getting some fucking hairy predicaments yeah where if he shot this fucking old guy oh could you imagine shoot an old guy in his house because he thinks he's protecting his

house from burglars and you're just there to check to see if he's all right, and you wind up shooting him in the head. And, you know, there's just the amount of days in a year and the amount of interaction they're going to have with violence. It's just too much for most people's brains, almost everybody's brain. It's almost like being on the front lines for 20 years, especially if you're in Detroit or south side of Chicago or somewhere in a terrible neighborhood where they're dealing with crime all the time, Camden, something like that. The thin blue line where officers protect their own fucking bad apples. Yeah, you only need to see one fucking wormhole run of YouTube bad cop videos.

Well, there's people that are protecting those cops. So yeah, you gotta fucking give up your weak links. What is the documentary, Jamie? The 7-5? Is that what it is? Is that what it's called? For sure? 75th Precinct? Have you ever seen that? Michael Dowd

has a documentary about crooked cops in New York. Holy shit, is it good. Yeah, that was New York. Holy shit, is it good. Yeah, that was really good. Holy shit, is it good. And you realize how crazy it got. They were just running things, selling drugs and planning to do hits on people. Like, whoa.

Is it really? Fuck, that's a good documentary. Nick DiPaolo turned me on to that. That's a good goddamn documentary. I thought they only did stand-up comedy on Netflix now. They have a lot of goddamn documentaries. Have you seen the Wild Wild

Country? No, I haven't seen that. I just got back on Netflix. I've been out of the country for four months, basically, but I just watched Evil Genius about the pizza bomber.

It's a four-parter. It's really good. It didn't need to be four parts. Every documentary you watch could have been a third shorter. The guy with the neck bomb and his fucking head blows off, they send him into a bank. And they still don't really know if he was involved or he wasn't involved.

But it's a really good documentary. Yeah, there's a ton of them now. What's the Wild Wild Western? Wild Wild Country is about a sex cult that took over a town in Oregon in the 1980s. Oh, yeah. I was looking for that. That's the one I was looking for. But I know it was the Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh.

Yeah. And I'm like, I don't like to search Bhagwan. I wouldn't even know how to spell that. I wouldn't even know how to spell that enough for Google to correct it. Did you know about this whole thing before the documentary series came out? I knew about it. I never heard about it. But not in depth. And I've heard it's a fucking brilliant documentary, but I didn't

know the name. I'm amazed I just said Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh. That is pretty amazing. I just call him Osho, which is what they call him later, right? But it's... I didn't know it happened.

I had never heard that this was a thing, that there was a whole town that had gotten taken over by this wacky cult. I never heard a peep about it. So when this documentary series came out, this was all like, what? When was this? I remember when it was happening. Do you? Yeah, that's how I remember the name, but I didn't know the details.

I didn't know the criminal element of it. I just, it was like the Reverend something moon. Yeah, something moon. Yeah, the moonies. Yeah. I just remember it existed. I don't know anything about. Wasn't that Steve Hassan guy, the guy that's the uh cult expert isn't that what he was in

wasn't he in the moonies when he wound up leaving was that what it was they found him when he was in college and recruited him there's a guy who's a uh he's an anti-cult educator and uh he was in one he got roped into one when he was in college well he's a he's Jewish unification church which is that moonies huh what does it say it says Annie founded X moon Inc so that might be yeah I think it was the moonies I think the unification church is sung on Moon's church. See if that's true. Is it? Yeah. So he was roped up with them when he was in college, and he got rescued.

Who rescued him? Someone's family member or something like that? I forget the whole story. I wonder if Alex Jones ever does that. Hey, look that up. Is that true? No, it's not. All right.

No. I don't think he does. You can't believe that fake news. I just can't believe I never heard about that whole story until it went down or until the documentary series went down. I never heard that story. I just, it's almost like I was living in an alternative universe. Like, how did I slip this? They took over a whole town.

And this is when I was a grown adult this was in the late 80s like how the fuck did i not know about this well this is what fucking scientology did with clear water basically did they well i don't know if they took over the town but they close yeah close but this these people took over i can't believe these mormons in salt lake how did i not hear about this when you see it you realize the scope of it when you see the old home movies you realize like oh like they they they made a whole town they took this whole they had this ranch and they said they couldn't have the ranch they couldn't turn it into this town they couldn't develop on it the way they wanted to because they were recognizing that these people were becoming like, you know, it's a giant cult that was next door.

And all these people were moving in. And so they said, oh, really? Okay, we'll just start buying the houses in this town and knock on everybody's door and go, how much do you sell your house for? It's a tiny little house or tiny little town. So just like a Bisbee type place. They started buying everybody's house. And then they started shipping in homeless people. They shipped in homeless people and took care of them so the homeless people would vote.

Dude, the whole thing is they let anybody join. Just get on a bus. You can join. And they drove them out there to Utah. And then they created like thousands and thousands of people. Oregon. Thousands and thousands of people. And they took these people and they made them a part of the community and they used them for voting and they took over this town.

It's fucking crazy, man. When you're watching it, you're just like, how is this not mainstream news? How is this not like Jonestown Massacre? It seems almost more impressive. Less people died. Well, I don't know the dark element of that. That's what I don't remember. I know they did some fucked up things.

Yeah, I don't want to give it away. You gotta watch it. Yeah, don't give it away because I don't want to watch it. It's fucking amazing. And what's amazing is they got so much footage. You could see what these guys were like, like carrying machine guns. They took over the police force. They call it the peace force, but they're all got fucking semi-automatic rifles and shit.

It's like Warren Jeffs in what's it? Is it Colorado City? I think that's Utah. Arizona-Utah border. Yeah, he's a Mormon Jeffs in, what's it? Yeah. Is it Colorado City? I think that's Utah. It's the Arizona-Utah border. Yeah, he's a Mormon, right? He's the radical polygamist. He's in prison now, but he's still running things from prison, and the family's still somewhat...

What did they get him on? They get him on polygamy? Yeah, child. He had a fucking, like, a 16-year-old wife. One of his wives. Yeah, child rape. Oof. He had a fucking 16-year-old wife. One of his wives. Yeah, child rape. Oof.

There's a good documentary about that. It's a false prophet something prophet. Oof. Do you know that that's the whole reason why Mitt Romney's family's from Mexico? Did you know that? No. Mitt Romney's family moved to Mexico back when they made polygamy illegal in Utah. Oh.

Yeah. What is this? An exclusive look inside the compound warns Jeff shared with 79 sister wives. He was hashtag ballin'. 79. Homeboy had 79 wives. And they're all ugly as fuck. That's how you got a role. The hot bitches

are not going to stay. No, I think there was a hot one. That got out. She's in the documentary. Yeah, the Mitt Romney clan, they moved to Mexico

when they started putting all these restrictions on them. In the United States, like no polygamy, no this, no that. So was this parents? Super, the United States. Like, no polygamy, no this, no that. So was this parents? Super Mormons.

But were they polygamists? Well, they were in the ones that left and went to Mexico. Whether they were still polygamists when they were his parents, I don't know. But when they initially established that sect, they moved to Mexico specifically to avoid the laws of the United States. And there's several of them. There's more than one family there and they have to fight off the cartel. There was a vice piece on it. Fucking

crazy, man. These people, they're armed to the tits, wandering around their compound. They got fucking barbed wire fences everywhere and they're worried about the cartel coming in. And they get kidnapped and they have to pay ransom and everybody knows they have money it's fucking crazy man that's mitt romney's parents polygamists versus the cartel

yeah um i forget the name of the vice piece uh just meet mitt romney's mexican mormon family drug cartels versus. Mormons. It's a seven part series. Oh, that's what it's called. It's fucking wild. They go over to Mexico and hang out with these people. You go to Mexico and they have this enormous Mormon community

in Mexico. Fortified. Someone was telling me about you have some viral piece snapping on immigration and anyone who will take away their baby from their parents. Yeah, it was just me and Duncan talking on a podcast about how crazy it is that people are like, oh, should have broke the law. Should have broke the law.

Something about trying to get rid of the fucking any if if you if you believe that's okay don't follow me don't listen to me well i said you're not on the team like the team of humans like if we're going to act as a country you know the thought is we're going to act as a country we've got to all think we're going to help each other we're going to support each other we're going to look for the values of community from these team members that are on this team together but if someone's like shouldn't have broke the law oh she's losing her kid shouldn't have broke the law like how the fuck you're gonna let someone like that on the team like this is yeah the way it was described to me last night was that you were telling a lot

of your fan base to fuck off and i don't know if you're getting what i'm getting is a lot of fucking mega you know fucking nazi type shitheads like who also like you yeah yeah and i i said it on stage last night that the same way people can be uh offended at a buzzword without hearing the whole bit because you said cunt or retard or something that they just completely tune out and walk out without hearing the the context of the whole piece of material the same way people can become attracted to you because you said you know faggot jew right right right right Without hearing the context of the bit. And I'm having to force people, like, I don't want you as a fan.

I have enough fans. I have my little niche base and you can go away. And like the libertarians, I have to distance myself from them because that was always a split of you know civil libertarians and you know uh you know legalize you know drugs and that versus snake handling homeschooling christian types that don't want the government involved in them raising freak kids right right right but now it's like it seems like all the good parts are now just anti-Trump. Like we have to vote Democrat. And the bad parts of the libertarians are the whole now.

I'm not a fucking – I lean libertarian, not the party, but the ethic. I lean that way. But I'm not calling myself a libertarian anymore because it's a bunch of fucking nazis not all of them but i'm saying a lot of people have it's it's become yeah like the good parts have left hmm well i think there's just a problem with groups whenever you have groups you're going to have the fringe and when you have the fringe whether it's the fringe stupid or the fringe radical right or the fringe radical left, they sort of define the group and they taint it.

And if you have a group that anybody can join, like do you have libertarian ideas? Yes, I do. I support a lot of libertarian philosophy. Good. Become a libertarian. You'll be with us. You know Dave Smith at all from Legion of Skanks?

My mayor. Oh, different guy. Dave Smith from New York, comic from New York, so legitimate libertarian. I think I just did a podcast with him. I'm sure you did. Did you do the Skanks in Legion of Skanks? Yeah, but I think it was without Big J. I don't know.

Okay. I was promoting my book, so I was doing like 18 things in a day and drinking the whole time. I'm a little loose on the details. Yeah, I know those kind of podcasts. I think there's that's a legitimate concern.

Like this podcast where I go, you know what? I'm not going to fucking smoke in his studio this time and I'm not going to drink. It's working. But the smoke thing's working. It's not bad at all in here right it's pretty good it's way better than it would be if there was no no fan thing what the fuck were we just talking about david smith oh but libertarians yeah but the problem is just being in groups man you know like identifying as a right wing. Identifying as a left wing.

So many people that identify just to grab those ideas. And usually one issue. Immigration. I'm against it so I'm right wing. Rest of your day. Abortion. If you're pro-choice, you

have to be left wing. There's the right wing people that go pro-choice, they get attacked. That's one of those weird things where I think racism will stop them overturning Roe versus Wade. Racism will? Yeah, they're against abortions, but not for all these Mexicans having all these kids. That might be the only way, right? I was on Frankie Boyle's show and I was saying that that's the only way that Trump would overturn gun control, put in gun control laws is because school shootings are the only time

he's not on CNN. It takes like 30 people to die on a schoolyard before CNN stops talking about him for a minute. Steals his airtime. We're going to ban these assault rifles because I'm not getting air time they're talking about these dead kids get me back on TV even if they had a story about a school shooting they would have Russia scrolling across the bottom

the scrolling across the bottom is like the ultimate insult to your attention span it's like I know you can't pay attention to just what's on the screen stupid so I want to give you some extra data how about the stock market I'll leave it for you up here you know how much money you're losing constantly. And then follow this ticker tape of sadness and despair below you.

You in the stocks? No. I mean, I have a business manager, and some of it's invested in some different things, but I don't pay attention to it. I get some stocks where a friend of mine talked me into, i i get it like every couple months my stock broker calls doug it's steve via four i want to make some moves and like last time i actually wrote down he'll just start spewing this jargon where i put him on speakerphone in the van when we're on the road so everyone can hear his he just go, do you fist pump?

Are you on top of a desk like Wolf of Wall Street fist pumping as you're selling me this bullshit? Because I have no idea what you're talking about. But it's fun. I get stalks. Initially, it was in everything terrible, like Philip Morris and Kraft and big goes like, can I have, can the craft be my, I love Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Could that be my stock? I go, yeah, you can look it up at the USA today to see if it went up or down. Yeah. That's tobacco money. I mean, you smoke cigarettes. You should be allowed to invest in tobacco. But yeah, they're into a lot of other shit, too. Oh, sure. I don't know if I own that anymore. I had Pfizer stock.

That's a good one, too. Yeah, Viagra, crab macaroni and cheese, and fucking cigarettes. Sure. Just the stock market itself. Just trying to pay attention to that, too, on top of all the other shit you're supposed to be paying attention to. You're supposed to be paying attention to stocks and bonds and up and down.

Yeah, I stopped paying attention because I'd get these calls where he's moving it into this and I don't know. And then I have to fucking look up if it's up or down. Well, if you're working on your act, and if you're going to do your podcast, you're working on your act, you're getting ready to go on the road, you're going over your material, how much fucking time do you have to pay attention to the stock market and really know what you're investing in and really doing the research on the companies?

Oh, I don't. Of course. No. It's crazy. I get reports, and I see if this number is higher than this number. There's just no fucking time, Douglas. There's no time. You know what?

For you, there's no time. Because you do a lot of shit and you're very ambitious to an almost pathological extent. Where I have all the fucking time in the world and I'm always riddled with anxiety. Like I can't, I do nothing, but I can't enjoy it. It's not like I'm relaxed.

Like there's something I should be doing all the time to where I'm, I'm paralyzed in bed because I don't know what it is I should be doing. I know there's something. Well, I think if you do more things, that feeling goes away. Like if you do things that you're like really tuned into, things that are like require your attention, then the anxiety of not doing things goes away. Then it just becomes a matter. But then you're doing things.

Yeah. I want to enjoy doing nothing. Like I told you, after this week, by the time this airs, it'll be Monday, and I will be retired. And I do this as often as I can. Every few years, I quit comedy in my mind, where I just, I have

nothing on the books. I have no dates booked. Now I don't have an act. I have used this act in every fucking English-speaking place that I've done. You know, all of the U.S., and now I've used this act in every fucking English-speaking place that I've done. All of the U.S. And now I've done everything international. I've done fucking expats in Vietnam have heard this fucking act.

And I have to start from scratch. And that's, we talked about this. You're starting a new hour. Yeah, it's ruthless. It's a ruthless process. So I want to have that moment mentally where I can do anything in the world right now. I could just, I could fuck off. I could write another book or I could, but I have no commitment.

Yeah. And just having that. And I still won't enjoy it because I'll just sit there anxiety fueled going, I should do something. Well, we're always looking for a break. We're always looking for that moment of relaxation, the moment of just, ah. But sometimes your brain is wired. For me, that means having nothing.

I don't want to have a gig booked a fucking year from now. But when you do that, do you feel good? You've done it a few times. Do you feel good? I can make it a few months it's i i'm not i'm not a person who needs to be on stage right i i can not do that but i have to do something no i drink too much because i have no reason not to hey sure mimosas at 11 well that's not gonna stop well you've written two books now yeah um do you write books during those periods

or do you just write them during normal times i wrote those two books because i agreed to and cashed the check first then you have to write the book i'm not a guy who does things on spec hey this is a great idea for a tv show Let me write it up and shop it around. No. I get to check first or I sign the contract first or I agree to do the gig first and then go, fuck, I'm going to have to have a new hour before I do that tour. And then I start writing. But again, I have minimal needs.

My shit's paid for and I don't have kids. I'm not in a pickle like you. No, you've done it really well as far as how to manage your time. Manage your time and manage your freedom. You got it in a good place. You've been very smart with money too. You didn't do anything stupid and get drawn out.

Yeah. Live low. Yeah, just live smart. Buy thrift store clothes. Live in a small town. It's a good way to do it, man. I think what I seek that I don't have right now is the balance between the

large numbers of people, the pressure, and then more downtime. I feel like I don't have right now is the balance between the large numbers of people, the pressure, and then more downtime. I feel like I don't have enough downtime. And then I just think as a person is paying attention to the way my brain works, I'm like, this is not that healthy. I'm doing too many things. I should have less things to do. It was so much fun to watch you at that, what's it, the show

you did, Stand Up Off the Top of Your Head. Oh, Stand Up on the Spot. Stand Up on the Spot. And you're like, yeah, it's really fun. Come on up. And I saw you do that the last time I was in town and it was fucking brilliant. I go,

that was just, you were just riffing that? That's not, because you were talking about, yeah, I only have like 10 minutes. Like I'm trying to write a new act and I only have like 10 minutes of good material. And then I watched you do 10 minutes off the fucking top of your head that was brilliant. But it was really funny to see you in that back bar going,

yeah, but I gotta be fucked up to do it. Hammer and drinks. You kind of have to be. I've done that show sober. You want to be super high and at least two drinks in. That's what you want. You want to be lit. You don't want to be too lit because then you'll go down a dumb path that doesn't really work.

You want to be lit enough that you're lubed. Yeah. Yeah, you're lubed, but you're still moving good. You still go, oh, okay, here's what's wrong with that. Whom? And then you go right into it. Just start talking and wait for the funny words to come out. Don't pause.

Yeah, don't think about it too much. Don't think, just start talking. Just exercise those weird improvisational muscles, you know? But it doesn't always work. My last one was not good. I did one like a month and a half ago or two months ago. When was the last one? It wasn't good. I got nothing out of it. Sometimes

you just get nothing. Do you record? Yeah, always. You'll get these gems out of that show where you're like, oh, jeez, this is my next five minutes. I've got it. It's right there. I know where this goes. This is going to go to that and that'll go to this and I can tie it all together. Boom. I know where this goes. This is going to go to that and that'll go to this and I can tie it all together.

Boom. And you'll I record. But to get to that gem, if I just did, you know, an hour and 40 minutes hammered and I there was three things usually. Well, Bingo used to be on the road with me and she would sit in the back with a yellow legal pad and she knows my act. So if I come up with something new, she'll write that down. And the next day in the van go, Oh, you said this, you said this.

I'm like, Oh fuck, that's great. And you don't have to listen to yourself and cringe for fucking 90 minutes. Dude, here's the thing. Listening to yourself and cringing is good for the act. Oh,

I know. It's the best thing. Yeah. It's the best thing you can do. And, but at the same time, I hate myself so much that it's disheartening where can do and but at the same time i hate myself so much that it's disheartening where i go is that what i sound like i shouldn't do this i fucking suck

ah familiarity breeds contempt and when it's yourself too if you're going to be worth a fuck you're going to be hypercritical of yourself it's just a fact. You're watching or listening to yourself and you're just like, oh, shut the fuck up. It's the worst. I heckle myself alone listening to myself and Dropbox and I'm like, just get to the fucking point. Yelling at myself.

What do you record with? Do you record with your phone? Chaley records. Does it use an MP3 player or something like that? It's a little unit that if we're on the road and we just bring two mics to podcast on that little thing. Oh, like a Zoom? Yeah. Yeah, the Zoom.

Yeah, that'll be better. I think it's that. I do it on my phone just so I have them there all the time, and then I listen to them on my way home. I have a ritual. I listen to the set on the way home, unless I don't have to. Like, if I do a set and I'm like, that was just textbook. That was just by the book.

Autopilot. Yeah. But if there was some new bit or one of those stand-up on the spot shows, I listen to it all the way home. And then once I get home, then I'll break out the laptop. Then I'll start writing. I'm like, all right, I got the spark going. Let's see what the fuck comes out of this.

And I just feel like a lot of it is just throwing shit against the wall until something sticks. And if you're not out there throwing shit, it's not going to stick. Yeah. But while you're doing it, you're like, I can't believe I'm throwing all this shit. But then swap. A lot of times when you get so bored with a bit you know, like any special, I probably have three five all right this you know i have to do these three bits but then you're tired of them and then i just start fucking around with it yeah just to make it interesting for me and that's a lot of the times where you find oh this this

works yeah sometimes works better right yeah sometimes you'll find i mean comedy is one of those weird things you have to do it in front of people you can you can write and you can get seeds but you got to plant those seeds in the dirt of the crowd there's no there's only way it's the only way yeah i can cut occasionally i'll come up with a bit and it's done when i come up with it like i know i know the premise i have the setup i got the punch line boom and it's done when i come up with it like i know i know the premise i have the setup i got the punch line boom and it's done and you can bring it to the stage and it never changes but that's like one out of a hundred bits yeah maybe right yeah this was my first show in the states since march i started in southeast asia and then australia and then canada and then Australia and then Canada and then the UK. And I go, I know a lot of these tags are going to fucking work if I ever get back to

the States. Yeah. Like this is, this is not getting what it should get, but it's also, and there was other bits. Last night was my first show in the States where I'm really excited to see it.

Usually it's the opposite where I go, I don't know if any of this is going to work in fucking Europe. Right, right. Now it's like, I can't wait to see what works, like what people will get offended at that they're never, they don't give a fuck in Australia. Right. It's never too brutal there. But with the seismic shift in the political and social landscape now. It really has been seismic, right?

Yeah. Yeah. But my audience is pretty much immune to that. Yeah. Where, hey, you can't talk about this anymore. I can. Well, it reinforces your audience. It reinforces your relationship with the audience because they know, oh, well, Doug will give us the real deal.

He'll give us real comedy. People are scared to do real comedy right now. Real comedy requires, occasionally, it requires offense. You've got to offend people. I don't have a sponsor or a network that can sanction me. They will fire you for anything now it's the weirdest time ever for getting fired people are getting fired for things that don't make any sense i'm not popular enough to get protested or have people try to you know lean on the venue yeah yeah i think it

will be good for me well jamie is, is it you that said that Kanye West, that people are calling the area, the time we live in cancel culture? This is cancel culture. And everybody is just looking at cancel things. Cancel Roseanne Barr. Cancel that bitch. I was talking to you about, at the same time, I have to watch how I phrase things because i don't

want that fucking nazi element right and i'm right i'm yeah talking in hyperbole yeah they're not nazis but a lot of people that are fuckheads i don't want that group i am am not anti-Me Too by any means, although I do make jokes about it, and I have rape material, and I have... It's almost like the fucking Me Too movement has pushed the fucking MAGA people into my court.

Like, hey, fucking move them over here. That's funny. Yeah. It's a funny time. It's a time of great communication, for good or for bad, and probably for both. But there's more communication going on right now than pretty much ever. Any time that I could ever remember. than pretty much ever, any time that I could ever remember.

I'm furrowing my brow at what you mean by communication, because I think there's a lot of disinformation. I'm not saying spectacular lines of thinking that lead to transformative shifts in culture. But is it just yapping? More people are yapping in comments. They're yapping on Twitter. They're yapping in comments. They're yapping on Twitter. They're yapping on Facebook. They're yapping on Instagram.

There's more yapping. There's more blogs and yapping and video yapping. There's more communication. There's a lot of opinions. Yeah, that's what I mean. My Twitter feed where you go, hey, you used to write jokes on here. I know. Well, Ari put a whole thing about all these comedians like saying things

that aren't even remotely funny about issues it's uh and how how uninformed are a lot of those opinions like i if you questioned a lot of these comics like three levels below the surface how much do you really know about this issue that you're speaking about? Because I remember when I was vaguely, not even political, but I was really like into the libertarian thing. And I was open about it. Listen, everything I know on that subject is the bit that i did if you question that's just surface knowledge enough to make it funny and then i move on i'm not home studying this shit

afterwards like i know enough to make a salient point which i i can stand behind but if if you had me on a panel talking about it, all I know is the bit. That was the extent of my knowledge with a fist fuck joke at the end. Yeah. Again, it's too much shit to know. There's no way you could know most of the issues that are pressing today. There's no way. If you have an actual job and an actual life and friends and shit you like to do, there's no way.

So we've got a bunch of people that are arguing about shit that they're not even barely informed about. And my brain is beaten to a pulp. Again, I read a book. Two days later, I remember if I liked it or not. And I might remember one fact from that that I can turn into a bit. Right. And then... Yeah.

What do you think your brain is occupying? Like, how do you think it's operating? Do you think your brain is operating at 50% of what it was when you were 21? 75%? I care about a lot less. Right. So I...

So how much of it is that? Well, I mean, a lot less. Right. So how much of it is that? Well, I mean, a lot of it is fucking alcohol and age. Yeah. Where I blame the alcohol probably as much as I should. But I know people that are my age that they can't remember a fucking thing and they don't drink. Well, I think too many things happen to people in their lives, too. I think it's impossible to remember everything. You know, they have that thing where you can only keep a certain amount of people in your brain.

It's called Dunbar's number. A certain amount of people, like in your tribe, like 150 people. You can keep intimate relationships with 150 people in your brain. I bet that's the case with life experiences, too. I bet that's the case with information. I bet that's the case with life experiences too. I bet that's the case with information. I bet that's the case with, I think you only have a certain amount of database space in your brain. And I think some people really exercise it and expand the capacity and get it pretty

impressive, but there's still only room for a certain amount of shit. There's just, if you're really paying attention to some things, the other things you're kind of half-assed. It's just the way of being a person. We're not designed for a perfect output in every single category of things that we do. We're designed to pay a lot of attention to some things, and as long as food and shelter is taken care of, we kind of barely pay attention to other things.

That's what we do mostly. But today, the chatter, the yapping back and forth and people wanting to be right i mean i watched i watched battles like twitter battles all day long sometimes just watch these people go back and forth everybody just trying to be right that's never happened before there was never this much because people are doing this mostly probably while they're at work right they're supposed to be doing other shit. Like, oh, yeah, well, I'll show you, you fucking piece of shit. You fucking Nazi.

You know, and they're just typing shit and going back and forth with each other when they're not getting anything done. I'll have someone like that. It's an old bit about nationalism. But because of the current climate, people tweet that clip a lot. And then because my name is in, then they start an intellectual Twitter war, which is the worst. When people are using big words and fucking lots of facts and excerpts from Smartfuck magazine in a Twitter battle. It's one thing. Yeah, fuck your mother.

And my team's better than your team and that shit but when they're having these inter intellectual discourses about you know whatever you know fucking climate change or you know nationalism or immigration but they keep me in the fucking thing because it started with a youtube clip so name, my handle is in there, and they don't take me out of the fucking thing, so I'm involved in these long threads between two assholes who are trying to outsmart each other.

You're doing this on Twitter. You can't have a legitimate argument. That's what I told Roseanne. Don't fucking try to tweet your way out of this. Right. If you're going to tweet at all, just keep tweeting crazy shit until it puts the tweet in question into this fog of war. If I was like a fucking cleaner.

Yeah, that's the way to do it. I would have flown to her house. If I was Ray Donovan, I would have flown to her fucking house and i would say keep here's more ambient here's more fucking malt liquor you just keep tweeting crazy shit until it's completely fucking snowed over until that's the least of your problems that's that's so true i think most of the people that are tweeting all day are either don't have a job and they're just addicted to twitter or they're at work and they're just fucking off and they're supposed to be working and so this is way more engaging to them because they're already stuck in this office so they're making sport out of like going after people or getting at people or communicating with people they're making sport out of it it's it's flexing their

intellectual muscles because they're you know trying to find a good argument to your point that makes you look fucking stupid they're doing it in 280 words it's fucking i i mean we've all done it oh yeah i love i love twitter trolling you know but when it's stupid just like fucking with people well you were trolling way back in the day when you were trolling board and but you were trolling um child molesters oh yeah yeah the an aol instant messenger those days. Yeah. Yeah, that's the book I made a best of, you know, into a book. Because, honestly, that was the funniest shit I've ever written.

What year was this? That was the late 90s. Yeah. When I did The Aristocrats. And they go, you just make up the joke however you want it. I just took, like, I took verbatim stuff I did baiting pedophiles. Right. I just used the shit I was doing fucking with them.

I almost forgot about your baiting. It was like you had a website, right? It wasn't a website. They had a website. They had a website. And they had stopped doing it because they got bored with it. So it was like fucking Huckleberry finn painting the fence where oh hey we'll get you to i asked him hey can i do this and submit them to your site i don't know

how we had that much fucking time i would spend 14 hour days just trying to get a fucking full because you get one that went halfway through and the guy bails out because he figures out you're fucking with him and it's not printable. How did I have that much time? I remember spending 12 hours on free poker sites, playing poker and then trolling the people because you can chat while you play poker and then fucking with people and just being an asshole. How did I have 14 fucking hours? Because you didn't have a job. Because you didn't have a job. I still don't have a job.

And I still have probably that much free time. But now I'm successful. So I feel like I have to keep doing something productive. Well, you're also wiser. You realize how much time you actually invested into that versus what you got out of it. How many different pedophiles did you try to contact for one of them started talking about well you have to wait for them to contact you right the point because you have your profile set up i'm a

13 year old girl like hot uh talk with older men oh you wrote you wrote that? Yeah, however you set it up. I mean, it's written cleverly, so you're not getting other fucking 13-year-old kids talking to you. But just the amount of time fucking off and having fun with it. There was a funny story that I heard about a DEA, undercover DEA agent, who moved in to try to arrest another undercover DEA agent and they were playing each other back and forth against each other and they didn't know that

both of them were cops the entire time. You fucking assholes. Just wasting money. Just wasting money investigating each other. So fucking stupid. Both sides undercover. Like what the fuck man if if trump started talking about

that if you really wanted to keep people around if you really wanted to get people on the side i think what he would do is start making drugs legal and start saying listen folks there's a reason why there's a problem in mexico and when you talk to real economists and real advisors you were talking about that on stage last night. Yeah. Yeah. The real problem is the drug war. Make drugs legal. I was thinking about that, but... Well, first, meth is a fucking... It's just such a fucking horrible drug.

Ruthless. They make a lot of that in Mexico as well. Yeah. It's a ruthless drug. It's a ruthless drug. But I think part of the reason why it's so fucked up is because all of it is illegal. I mean, that's a big part of why it's so fucked up is because it's not regulated. It's not measured. It's the doses are not, it doesn't say on the box what'll kill you. You know, you can go and buy this old camp whiskey

at any corner store, right? You just go in there and buy it. Drink that whole thing. Drink that whole thing if you weigh 100 pounds. You're dead. You're dead. We all know that. I was thinking about that. If I did run for mayor, I'd have a, like, they have the gun exchange programs.

You have a meth exchange? Yeah, meth for mushrooms. Ooh, that's a great exchange. Yeah, give them good drugs. They're doing this because it's cheap and available. Well, get them on good drugs. That's actually a really good way to approach the subject. It wasn't one of the things that Hunter S. Thompson said

when he was running for sheriff of Pitkin County. He said, any drug worth taking shall never be sold, and we'll put stocks in the middle of the city to lock up dishonest drug dealers. It's like drugs should be free. We're going to arrest drug dealers. I think if we made everything legal, we'd have real problems for sure for quite a long period of time. The question is whether or not you have enough resources to parent your kids to keep those problems from happening to your family. Whether or not you have enough self-control to keep yourself from being one of those problems when drugs become legal and accessible. But then once it's settled down, from there forward, we'd be moving in a way healthier place.

And you essentially take all of the money out of the cartel. They're not making any money anymore. And then they're not going to be this murderous gang. It's going to take a while for things to dissipate. But look not making any money anymore. And then they're not going to be this murderous gang. It's going to take a while for things to dissipate, but look what they did to Colombia. I mean, Colombia used to be fucking crazy, and now you can go there and it's supposed to be really nice.

You go to Bogota, it's supposed to be a really nice place. It's safe. I want to go to South America, and I can't, I mean, yeah, South America is the only continent I haven't been to. Antarctica doesn't count. But there's nothing, I've never found a place that looks like I want to go there. Argentina looks badass.

Really? Yeah. Argentina's near the glacier. It's fucking beautiful down there. Yeah. I know Rhodes talks highly about it, but he's Argentinian. Is he? Some of his, he's got family down there.

Yeah. Look, there's some fucking beautiful spots, beautiful spots in this country, in this world. But South America, the weirdest thing is how much jungle it is. You look at how much of Bolivia and Brazil, how much of it is actual jungle. You're like, holy shit. No wonder why there's people down there. But almost every one of them has some kind of fucking rebel army shit going on and kidnapping.

There's nothing that seems safe. Like Costa Rica. You know you're probably not going to have a lot of issues. Right, right, right. But everything I've looked up is... I was on the beach in Costa Rica with my kid, and some dude offered me Coke. I was walking, holding hands with a five-year-old, and dude was offering me Coke. I'm like, hey, not right now, brother.

Not right now. It's just like, I just get you whatever you want, you want gringo you know you come down here to party you know i know you don't live here motherfucker you come here for a good time where'd you go um i don't remember man it was a couple of years ago but uh we we drove to a couple of different places in costa rica where did you fly into san jose or liberia uh liberia all right and then we went to uh the rainforest did the zip lining dude i heard a horrible thing i think it was yeah it's just the honeymoon couple in roatan yeah they crashed into each other and killed the guy and put the girl in a coma they crashed into each other on a zip line yeah so

the one of them gets stuck. Yeah. And the other guy's coming down. It's like a fat kid in a fucking water slide gets stuck in the tube, and then the next one comes down and smashes into him. You're going so fast, too, man. You're going so fast. You're on that zipline. You're flying.

I did that once, just to say I did something the first time I went to Costa Rica. Yeah. That's enough. After that, I'm happy, fat on a boogie board. Yeah, I did it once, too, and I kept thinking, when do they check this wire? This wire's a mile long. How are they checking this wire? It's not a strong work ethic in Costa Rica, either.

No. Those dudes who work there there who are just climbing up and hitching people onto those things, they're a little too comfortable with the edge. Those people are just a little too comfortable with hanging off of trees and clipping ropes onto wires and shooting you down. They're a little too casual, a little too casual about that endeavor. Yeah, one of the scariest things I've ever done A little too casual. A little too casual about that endeavor. Yeah.

One of the scariest things I've ever done is the cab ride from Jaco to San Jose in the capital. And they're fucking speeding around what should be like 15 mile an hour curves. And there's an ox in a cart in the fucking middle of the road. And you just say, head on collision coming down so one of the things that i used to always be fascinated by bourdain's show was his willingness to continue to go to these places where you had to take these trucks down these dirt roads you look out the window and you see a sheer cliff and up ahead there's a fucking landslide now they got to bring in a tractor to move the rocks away from the

landslide like oh god damn it vietnam where you you're in a the cab from the airport and there's just a sea like a sturges of vietnamese people they're all on this the sea of motorcycles and scooters and you're literally moving in your seat. They're going to hit it. And somehow it works like Cirque du Soleil. It looks like they're going to crash, but they don't crash.

Like those birds in the sky that move together. Like how do they figure that out? How do all of them get together? Look at all these people. Yeah. This is insanity. Look at all these people. Yeah. This is insanity. That is just straight insanity. There's no street lights or anything. There's nothing there.

Cars are just driving through. Have you ever been to Mexico City? That might be the view from where I was staying. I was staying in the hotel where they have the iconic picture of the last helicopter, CIA helicopter, taking off from the roof of the hotel and people are climbing to be the last person on. That was the hotel we were at. Whoa. Where that helicopter was landing is now a rooftop bar. Wow. And that was the hotel

we did the gig in. Vietnam's supposed to be awesome. No? If you're adventurous, if you're Tom Rhodes, I'm sure it's fantastic. If you're me, when you're terrified to go out of the hotel, no. No, not at all. That rooftop bar is great.

Bourdain loved it. It was like one of his favorite places to go. He loved Vietnam. No, that at all. That rooftop bar is great. Bourdain loved it. It was like one of his favorite places to go. He loved Vietnam. No, that's where he had, ate with the president. Yeah. Obama. That's right. Who I still call the president.

The president. He's my president. He was my president. Did you see when NBC wrote out about Oprah? Here's to our president. It was an amazing speech by our president. NBC put it on their Twitter page. And then someone came along and went, what the fuck are you doing?

I love when people say, when you complain about something and they go, yeah, well, Obama did the same thing and no one said it. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. And that's not the point. Still sucks. Yeah, he sucks too. When you make a point about an issue that it's a left or right thing, where you're actually defending a person or, like, no, this is fucked up and wrong.

Well, Obama did it. Well, that's still fucked up and wrong. Yeah. I never, I like, I think Obama's a really fucking cool guy as a personality, but I'm sure every, yeah, Bill Clinton did horrible fucking things

and, you know, like increased sentencing for fucking drug stuff and what, yeah, but he was a good personality and I don't give a fuck. I don't, imagine being a guy or a girl that's supposed to be paying attention to every single issue that's going on in this country and making decisions about all of it and doing it all investigating every single issue perfectly getting all the the right advice from all the advisors carefully considering

each and every step the fuck out of here. There's no way they can. There's no way the president really knows what's going on with all the different problems in this country. There's no fucking way. No. Impossible. If we just became a cool country like Norway, you you know close all the bases

around the world don't be world police we're just gonna be a fun country like fucking Iceland right I just bring all the troops back and no more

you know what go ahead with we're disarming you guys I think shit would calm down I think the world

would calm down as long as we kept our guns shit would calm down. I think the world would calm down. As long as we kept our guns. As long as we keep our weapons and keep the same amount of people in the military. Bring them back home, make them exercise here. The problem is as soon as any one superpower drifts away, they leave a vacuum and another superpower will try to rise up

that's the big fear that's what the big military proponents fear is that if we're not strong someone else will become stronger and then we'll be weak we'll be attacked and that it does happen other places in the world and we can't be so naive as to think it'll never happen again so give it a shot and if it doesn't work out, fuck it. And I don't know how you can take any president seriously. Now, as we're aging and put time in perspective, four years

is nothing. So I'm going to make a deal with you and four years later, it's going to be another asshole who goes, nah, never mind. Scrap that. I think a dictator's not a bad thing as long as he's a good one. Yeah, you have a benevolent dictator.

That's what you want, like a monk. No, I dictate we all have a good time. Fucking 15-hour work week. Well, here's the real question. The United States was founded because people had decided they didn't like the way things were running in Europe. They didn't like monarchies.

They didn't like being under the rule of a king or a queen. They wanted to do it by elected officials. They wanted to have a representative democracy or a representative democratic republic. They wanted to figure out something new. So they came over here and did it. What would be the resistance? What if, say like everybody tried to do what they did up in uh oregon and start a new country somewhere and people like fuck this we're

gonna go to this spot look global warming is clearing off some nice swatches of land in antarctica we're just gonna move up there it's fucking beautiful and green just fuck it we're done we're done and then uh over there we're going to barely have an army. And just have a bunch of dudes on the lookout with guns. Make sure we don't get robbed. And that's it. Healthcare. Yeah, we'll pay for that. Education. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll pay

for education. Do whatever you want to do. And everyone's going to have 19 fucking kids and ruin it. Damn. That's the problem, right? Overpopulation. But how long would it take to overpopulate Greenland? What they were trying to do... I looked into Greenland as a weird place to go visit. Iceland is

fantastic. It's just a little dull. That's the problem with all these... The best place to live is Norway and Scandinavia and Iceland. But there is a... It's Iceland, but everyone's nice. It's like going to fucking northern Minnesota and everyone's nice and there's no excitement. There's no-

Right. A buddy of mine that's just said that about Montana said he was living in Bozeman and I said, you didn't love Bozeman? He's like, it's all a bunch of boring white people that just thought they're really into bikes. Yeah. Really into biking and being people that just, they're really into bikes. Yeah. They're really into biking and being fit. Yeah, they have great calves.

That's what he said. Great calves and tans. Boring white people. But I mean, that's one of the good things about what you do is that you could be in your town and then you can go other places. Yeah. But you always have that town

versus if you get stuck like we're talking about people that are just living in columbus ohio their whole life not to pick on columbus but you know st louis whatever name a city versus someone who travels around all over the place the same can be said about someone who lives in la if you grow up here and you think this is the world. This crazy congested slab of humans piled on top of each other. No, the rest of the world. There's some spots where you can go to where there's hardly anybody.

You ever been to Idaho? You do Boise. Oh, I lived in Idaho. Did you? Yeah, I lived in a town of 400 people for a while when I was 22. No shit. Yeah, a little cabin on the south fork of the Payette River about 55 miles north of Boise.

There's some lakes up there where you go, I shouldn't even be allowed to be here. Like, this is too pretty. Like, this seems like you should have to pay to be here

or this should be restricted access or something. Like, it's fucking gorgeous up there. I was 22 and my wife left me i moved to boise just because it sounded funny and i was doing that fraud telemarketing so i could do it anywhere there's a phone right i'm in business and then uh after we moved to boise

and immediately my wife left me for my best friend we all moved out there together and then my other buddy that moved with us couldn't handle the stress. So he went back to Vegas. So I moved all my shit to Boise. And within two weeks, I'm alone. So I moved up to this fucking, I bought a cabin for sale by owner. I didn't get a loan. I was like, I'm just going to give you, what do you call it?

I just signed a contract and I'll pay you. I didn't go through a bank. Owner financed. Owner financed. And a little cabin, two bars in town, and you were either a long branch guy or you're the dirty shame guy. And I was a dirty shame saloon guy. And I would drive back and forth because in a small town, they open around noon, but not necessarily at noon. And how old were you then?

22. That's hilarious. There's no fucking chicks there. So you were. I would drive back and forth in front of the bar until Jolene showed up to open. So if it's 1215, I've been just driving back and forth waiting for her to open. And I lasted like six months, and then I had to ditch out on the fucking owner financing. And you were there by yourself?

Yeah. At one point, my buddy that moved back to Vegas came up, and he was there for a couple months. But we'd get on the phone just enough to you know pay our bar tab in fact my bar tab i i traded out like furniture when i when i bailed six months later i traded jolene like my furniture in the cabin for my bar tab and yeah it's fucking crazy so you could set your own hours when you're doing the scam telemarketing stuff you just did did it whenever you wanted to? Yeah. And you clocked in? No, I was doing it out of my cabin.

Just pick up the phone. I had leads I stole from Vegas. And what did you do? How did that work? You call up businesses, and you had the pitch, and you won one of these awards and you're you just have to buy this many you know pens like ad cop ad specs advertising specialties this mug with hey joe uh you won a big award and i'm gonna all you have to do is make a small purchase of these mugs with your business name on them the joe rogan podcast and you're guaranteed to win this big award that's worth way more it's just wow so

it's just a total scam yeah wow but cleverly phrased so to stay in that gray area of legal oh right where like i knew a dude who had a really interesting scam he had a scam where they were making, it was a company that would allow you to fix your credit. So they would give you a line of credit. And you would buy things and then pay off the credit and it would boost your credit back. So if you had fucked up credit, it was allowing you to fix your credit. But the catch was, the only things you could buy with their credit card was things from their catalog. I owe my soul to the company store. You know those things?

So they had these catalogs. I don't know that scam, but I'm seeing where it's going. Catalogs filled with stuff. But say if something cost, you know, whatever it was, a toenail clip, or if it cost like $3 at the grocery store. There it's $25. was a toenail clipper if it costs like three dollars at the grocery store there is 25 so if you want to buy it you're you're giving them a giant chunk of profit so they would ship these terrible little items and it would really actually boost these people's credit it actually did work where so it was enough but it was a total scam so you're the only shit they can buy with your

credit cards is stuff from your catalog, and everything's marked up through the fucking roof. And this dude made millions on that. Made millions. That's what ad specs were. The products, like when I was working for a company originally, we would have the black matte pen with the gold metal Florentine trim and five lines of your ad copy on it. And we'd be selling these fucking 25 cent pens for like $4 a piece.

So it was, but the scam that I was just getting into when I started doing comedy and then bailed out and went full time in comedy comedy was the uh the invention ones like the george foreman oh like the grill yeah do you have an invention tell and it's a fucking it's just such a great scam because ego's involved and it's good you know everyone thinks they should be on shark tank those kind of people and you go i can't say but i think what you have here and then and then it's a multi-level where invent help there it is submit your invention idea to companies i'm not saying invent help is a scam i'm saying scams of that do you have an invention and then there's a step one is we're going to do a like a patent uh uh research to see and this is going to cost you this but honestly phil i think you're on to something i can't say that this is a

million dollar idea but i know when i have a feeling it's the way you say it and you could just like it would be so easy and i was just starting to do the way you say it and you could just like, it would be so easy. And I was just starting to do that. Did you feel awful when you get off the phone? No, I didn't feel awful till years later. Well, I never did get into that fully where I was just starting to do that out of my

house, out of my apartment in Vegasgas when i like i'm going full-time in comedy so i but the other scams no i never felt bad because you where they say oh they're ripping off old people no we were ripping off young greedy fucking people that think they're gonna fucking get something for nothing and uh yeah you know how was the invention thing work like what if someone did have a good invention i don't know i never got that far into it i was just starting where i go fuck this i i don't have time i'm doing comedy i gotta i i got an offer i moved to phoenix and i

i got a job as a house mc like like six six months yeah about six months after I started. Fell in love with a girl in Phoenix, moved down there, got a job as a house emcee. I was getting a free hotel room. The club was a days in, I think it was. So I got a free hotel, so I had a place to live, and I could do comedy five nights a week. Wow. Talked to a gay chef, loved loved me and would give me free food you do shows in bisbee now i i have other people come to bisbee i filmed my last it's a throwaway special but i just did it like as an experiment in the fun house so basically this room, but maybe not quite this big.

It's an 18 by 20 box with a bar built and a little tiny stage in the corner. And I filmed, it's Pop-Off Vodka Presents an evening with Doug Stanhope. And we're selling it on VHS. I don't know if we're sold out, but the only physical copies are VHS. Really?

Yeah. You can get it on Vimeo. It's digital. But I took about an hour's worth of material. I think there's only 20 minutes on the VHS. Just the bit about Pop-Off Vodka Presents, where we tried to get sponsorship with Pop-Off, because it's fucking low-grade shitty vodka, and I thought that would be a funny sponsor, and Brian reached out, and through channels, they said Popoff wouldn't touch Doug Stanoop with a 10-foot pole. That's what they said?

So I have this giant 20-minute fucking bit about it, and I'm like, I'm going to be sponsored by Popoff Vodka against their will, and I'm going to fucking make a special called Pop-Off Vodka Presents. And I'm going to keep doing it until they give me a cease and desist. But I took an hour of material that got cut out of other specials where I go, I really like that bit. I just had to cut it down to an hour. I'm going to put this out as the Pop-Off Vodka Presents. That's hilarious.

Do they know? Haven't gotten a cease and desist. We sell t-shirts. Pop-Up Vodka presents. Yeah, fuck yeah. You got a special. You're going to tell me you're a fucking rotgut fucking hobo tranquilizer fucking liquid. Hobo tranquilizer.

Hobo is always the best word to use. I think in the bit, I think I say hoboplasma. Hoboplasma it is. It was a bit that I, yeah. But I want to experiment more with that. And we've had a bunch of comics, like Olivia Grace, who opened last night. She came down there like bisbee for road comics going to la you know i'm going to do gigs in austin it's kind of on

the way so we've had a bunch of comics down and get drunk and go hey let's fucking do a show because you have 15 people in that room it's tiny enough that that's a real audience and we've never had a bad show there like it just it and i so yeah i want to film stuff i want to start experimenting with doing like just putting out singles like my bits are fucking like you have bits that are fucking 17 minutes yeah i don't i don't i'm not like hedberg i don't have one-liners. So I can take a 16-minute bit and just sell that as a single. 99 cents on iTunes or I don't know how that side of... It's not a bad idea. There's a lot of people that do their podcasts with subscription.

Like Nick DiPaolo just released his new podcast and he's doing a subscription service. We have to pay to listen to it you can't do it that's one of the things when i retire is figure out shit like patreon i've heard about and you can do this and yeah you just get people to give you money yeah that's nice they just give you money give me money they just give you money like i really support you on patreon like there's a lot of people that do that they just do stuff like please support my patreon oh please give me money yeah i don't really like working i like just talking in front of this youtube camera so if you like me talking please support my patreon but when everyone talks about their new hour i'm doing usually an hour and a half now

and i'm not doing you know five different bits that i really like that i just got bored with but i still haven't recorded right so i could put out a chunk of those like leftovers yeah no one's buying a fucking dvd anymore they're getting everything digital that's true so yeah why not just hey this is a great 20 minutes i'm tired of it let's put it out yeah it's not a bad idea i mean you could do youtube red too or you you know you do it through subscriptions there's a bunch of different ways to do it now it's uh there's more options every day too it's it's it's becoming interesting i don't know amazon releases a lot of stuff now too yeah they're releasing a lot of stand-up.

It's really kind of amazing that there's only one YouTube. That's what's really amazing. I mean, Vimeo does exist, and it is good. But in terms of when people think of one platform where you get videos on, you really only think of YouTube. Yeah, and monetizing. I don't know how any of that works and jamie could tell you it's not that complicated yeah a lot of people do it we're gonna have to fucking start doing video for our podcast yeah how come you don't like doing that? I just hate being on camera. Like here, you have it subtle enough.

I remember your old studio where I'm looking at my face on a giant TV. I remember tripping that bad, bad day. Yeah, we shouldn't have done that way. That way was dumb because we realized somewhere along the line that when they were up on that screen, we would look at ourselves on that screen. It would make you think about it. And then somewhere along the line, I they were up on that screen like we would look at ourselves on that screen it would make you think about it and then somewhere along the line i said let's stop doing this this just doesn't but even if it's just a couple of gopros yeah it's weird so it's an added unnecessary element you're thinking about i don't think about that camera or that camera no yeah yeah but god i remember the first time I did your podcast

and we were sitting on a couch. So we're side by side, so it's awkward to look. Yeah, and it was uncomfortable. Couches are uncomfortable to sit and talk, like sit up and talk, like you're sinking into them. It's just after a while your back starts bothering you. You want to look across at someone. Yeah, it's going to be nine years in December.

Yeah, look at you. Crazy. Yeah, that couch was in Ari's house for a while. Oh, you still have the make me hard sign. Yeah. That was offensive. Too offensive for Comedy central yeah though are you're doing so your fun house is like you have an extra house so you have like your main house

where you live in and then you have the fun house that has a bar and then we have a guest house and you bought a couple houses in town too right yeah yeah we got a few. You're becoming your own Oregon cult. Just slowly buy up the town. Start renting it out to people that you like. That's the Free State Project. Remember that? The whole libertarian movement to try to

get everyone to move to one state. And that way we can all vote. Because we get 1% of the vote nationally, but if we all lived in one state, then we could. Yeah. Then they pick New Hampshire. I'm not going to fucking New Hampshire. Fuck you.

It's just too hard to get laid up there. It's too fucking cold. It's too cold. I haven't seen winter in many years. I remember Fitzsimmons got kicked out of a gig up there. And they had told him not to drive at night because there's so many moose on the road. But they kicked him out of the gig for swearing. They fired him.

When he got there, they had his bags packed when he got off stage, and they said, you're fired. Get out because you're supposed to be there for the weekend. And they made him drive home. I'm guessing this is a long time ago. Oh, yeah. We were both starting out. Fucking Fitzsimmons is a hothead. Oh, he's a hothead. I never

saw that in him. Oh yeah, he's Irish. He's always been a hothead, as long as I've known him. I did his podcast a few years ago, and he almost came to fisticuffs with a fucking parking attendant, like fuck you, you want to fucking like Really? Yeah. And his face just fucking beat red. He was fuck you. You want to fucking like. Really? Yeah.

In his face, just fucking beat red. He was going to beat the fuck out of the guy. Just ignored me. He was so angry. Like, I'm just waiting there to do his podcast and he just blows by me like I'm a problem too. Like, fuck. Just enraged.

That's hilarious. Psycho. Yeah. And then we get on the podcast and he's fine. He's a professional. Yeah. I fucking love Fitzsimmons. I do too.

We started out together, like within a week apart from each other. Oh, no shit. Yeah, we were buddies and we were raw open micers. We used to steal jokes from each other. Like we didn't really have enough material to do like a half an hour. So like he would do some of my shit, I'd do some of his shit. And he would tell me, Oh yeah, that blowjob bit worked great.

And fucking some shithole in the middle of nowhere. Like when you, when we first, we were like a year in, we were both about a year in when we started getting paid gigs. Yeah. But when you're a year in, you've really don't have 25 minutes.

You ain't got shit. My first, my first, right before I moved to Phoenix, my first paid road gig was in Flagstaff for Sandy Hackett. And I was co-headlining with a ventriloquist who'd never worked a comedy club. He only worked his county fair circuits. And I remember he was so weird.

It was an old historic hotel that we were staying in that they put us up in, the gig is in. And he moved to a different hotel because this was an old historic hotel that we were staying in that they put us up in. The gig is in. And he moved to a different hotel because this was so old. He thought it was a fire hazard. And he said one time he played a cruise ship and someone threw his dummy overboard. And he can't go through that again if he lost his dummy in a fire. So he paid probably as much as he was making for the gig to get his own hotel that was a decent hotel and uh i i remember i i think i only had to do like 30 or 35 minutes and i was stretching to get 27 with everything i had and i remember stealing some jokes from one of the vegas open

micers where I lived. They'd go back and say, oh, hey, I used some of your material because I had to fill time. And then I find out later that was stolen material. And they look at you sideways. Oh, yeah, okay. And it was like really dumb shit. Don't do it again, okay? Yeah, those road gigs back then.

I mean, you didn't realize it at the time, but all of it builds up to be this giant education in how to do stand-up. And the foundation of those road gigs is irreplaceable. Yeah. All my favorite comics, they started out doing the road. You know, everybody, Joey, you, I mean, Ari, Duncan. I don't know if anyone has done this as a gimmick. I know this is a town of gimmick shows. My First Notebook, has anyone done that?

Dude, yeah, Owen Benjamin. I mean, not Owen Benjamin, Owen Smith. Owen Smith has a show that he does online where I brought him some notebooks from like 92, 91 and 92. Terrible material. Terrible. And we read over some of the jokes and I even had like forced setups and forced like audience interaction. I had fake audience interaction where I'd ask them a question. And pretend to hear an answer.

Oh, it was awful. It was awful. I'm like, am I right, ladies? Like, I had that written in. Is this on stage? We did it in the back bar of the comedy store. And we were going over the notebook just laughing. Oh, all right.

But I have quite a few. But I think that's a fun stage show. You have to go up and do the act. Right, right. is you have to go up and do your fucking do the act right right well the thing is i don't i didn't have the act like clearly right now all my notebooks you have to perform material from the first notebook well back then if i wrote a hundred things down and one of them was halfway worth talking about it was amazing because I didn't know what I was doing. My first notebook, I have written out my four minutes or whatever it was,

including, hi, my name is Doug Stanhope, is written out. Well, if you want to practice correctly, I know guys who used to practice in front of the mirror. They would just stand in front of the mirror. They would just stand in front of the mirror and do their act. Hey, am I right or am I wrong? What do we do here? I don't know if I ever did that, but I was certainly the guy pacing in the back alley,

saying it out loud, and with the hand gestures and everything. Yeah, just going over it in your head. I know a guy who used to do his act. Saying it your head. I know a guy who used to do his act. Saying it. Yeah. I know a guy who used to do his act on camera. He'd do it alone in a room, like in a bedroom, set up a camera, and do his act to the camera,

and then go back and watch it and analyze it. Oh, you get those emails. Hey, I'm doing comedy now. Tell me what you think. And you click on the link, and it's a YouTube of them in their basement just talking to a camera by themselves. Like with the eyes of that YouTube shooter lady. Just creepy, reading you off their material. Imagine having to do it again.

It's one of the things that Dane Cook said once. The one thing that I can never imagine doing in life is starting over as a stand-up from the beginning again. I have an idea, but I don't want to air it. But it's something that I want to do in my retirement years. But it's not quite that. But when comics ask you, like, the amount of emails, what advice do you have? How do I start out? Well, I don't know.

I haven't started in 28 years. They just want to interact with you. They're just trying to find a way to interact with you. If they wanted to figure out how to start out, they're not going to be able to ask you. They've got to go to open mic nights you ask the guy that's where if you haven't done open mic go to an open mic and ask an open micer what do i do and if you're an open micer that wants to get work as an mc then ask an mc what he did yeah ask the guy just above you because he knows i don't know how the fuck do you think i know like what the dorfmans look for in a fuck right but uh yeah i mean if you want to be a theoretical mathematician

you don't go to some guy who's teaching at harvard and say hey man uh how do i get started you know i haven't gone to elementary school yet, but I'm thinking about it people that want advice, there's no way you can give them advice anyway, you would have to see them a whole bunch of times, and even then you'd have to be like, hmm, what are you trying to do?

where are you trying to go? and then watch them more watch them try to get better, I mean the best advice you could ever give them is do it listen, record write down what sucks about it write down what worked well do it again right right perform suck rewrite repeat and you're gonna say that is a five word response yeah that's right perform suck rewrite repeat just keep doing it you have to keep doing it it's something that you just don't you're not going to be great. Anybody who thinks they're going to be amazing at this,

like right off the bat, you're like, oh, you can't. It's not possible. And if you're asking me, I might think you suck. Yeah. And if I say, well, you suck, well, other people might think you're funny, so don't listen to me. That was the best, my refrain, Joey Scazzola was a guy that was just a little above me and i was giving advice to a kid that was just below me when i was at a you

know just above open mic or and joey pulled me aside he goes don't give these kids advice because all you're ever doing is telling them how to be like you. Yeah, that's true. That is true. I would have fucking told Dane Cook, yeah, you're never going to be good at this. Well, I'm not your audience. Yeah. Well, comedy is always going to suffer from that because there's no categories. You know? I mean, it's not like blues or disco, you know, jazz, rock and roll.

It's just comedy. And there's different kinds of comedy, different ways of doing it, but there's no categories. They used to bill me as X-rated just because there wasn't a category, but they wanted to warn people. Yeah. Well, I had those signs that I still have on all my shows to this day. It says, warning,e rogan show contains the strongest material content imaginable because i got tired of people complaining i said tell them that it contains like the most fucked up things imaginable so if they read that and they go in

they couldn't be like wow i couldn't imagine that, it says the most mature thing imaginable. I remember playing Zanies in Chicago and having a really hard week of walkouts and angry people, even though they billed it as adult or X-rated. Yeah, there's my... There you are. I post that. All my shows.

I've had that since 1990. Oh, shit, that's why you were just in Tucson I didn't go Tucson's fucking great First of all, how cool does the desert look out there? Looks fake Like all those The guy was driving us

Told us that there were cactuses that have GPS in them Because people are stealing cactuses So they steal cactuses They put GPS in the cactuses And then arrest people at their house With a fucking cactus that they put GPS in the cactus, and then they arrest people at their house with a fucking cactus that they stole from the desert. Did you drive back after that gig?

We went to Phoenix. We drove to Phoenix. You told me you were doing that. That's why I didn't come up. Yeah. Originally, I was going to do other gigs that week, but too many things got moved around. I wound up flying into Boise the next day.

When you travel to Asia, how many different places do you go where it's all expats? It's all expats. That's the first time I've done one of those Tom Rhodes tours where it's Hong Kong, Singapore. We did Shanghai, Ho Chi Minh City, Tokyo. Tokyo. Tokyo is fascinating, huh? It seems like a whole different world. You landed in an alien world where the language is all different,

the people look like us, but a little different, real polite. Yeah, didn't venture out much. But yeah, it's pretty weird. But everyone's friendly. Singapore is fucking amazing. It's like that movie Elysium. Oh, really? It's absolutely safe, beautiful, no crime.

Super wealthy, right? Very wealthy. Like more than New York City. Like more wealthy. Like more than New York City? Like more expensive to live in than New York City? Don't know. I know it's very expensive. I was doing a, they were paying for all these five-star hotels and shit

where I probably took a bath on the guarantee. If I paid my own way, I could have done it way cheaper. But it's super wealthy like Hong Kong is all fucking international banker fucks that's high dollar and Singapore are the people

that pay them so it wasn't the expats I was expecting so when you're there how big are the places you're doing? It was like 600-ish. Mostly people from the United States? Oh, wow.

Well, not necessarily the States. Somewhere, England, Australia, Canada. And there's just a lot of people that move there for work? Well, Hong Kong and Singapore, again, a lot of international banker, fucking tight suits, lots of blow, probably. Skinny jeans and blow. Wolf of Wall Street fucks. Want to see my new car?

Come on. Vietnam, Bangkok, a little seedier. How many different places did you do in Asia? That was it. Bangkok, Thailand, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Shanghai. I think I'm missing a couple. Tokyo. Yeah, but it was so quick quick so you're doing a different

country every day so every day is another fucking visa you know customs and border just crush you and your immune system though the constant traveling when i'm traveling every day i can only do that a few days in a row. After a while, I'm like, what? Because I don't get any sleep. I don't sleep well when I'm getting up in the morning. You've got to get up early for the flight. Then you try to take a nap. You barely sleep.

You sleep a few hours that night. You've got to get up in the morning again. You're doing a show, so you're wired after the show. Then you're like two, three days in. You're exhausted. Yeah, it was pretty brutal. Yeah. I think the way to do it is to just spread it out over long periods of time so that you do a gig and then you hang out in a city for like a few days, chill out, see what's there, then move on to the next place.

I liked, all right, let's get it out of the way because those days off, I go, ah. Right. Oh, look at the temple. Let's party. Hey, look at the Buddha. Let's drink. This guy with a Buddha. I'm a lot healthier when I have a lot of gigs in a row because then I stay sober until it's showtime.

You tried quitting cigarettes for a while. Yeah. How long did you do it for? How long did you do it for? The longest was a year in 2008 really i did six weeks of a couple years ago and then got a book deal and went all right that's the one thing i can't fuck i cannot write and not smoke really yeah that's the hardest thing to do quitting like eventually okay yeah i can go i can drink and not smoke i can go out and

i can do interviews on the phone that's usually where oh you got to do interviews i'm chain smoking but writing like book writing now it's just constant hinchcliffe had a real problem with that he hinchcliffe he would write we write for roast and things like that always be smoking cigarettes he always associated cigarettes with that, always be smoking cigarettes. Yeah. He always associated cigarettes with writing but he quit smoking cigarettes and it took him a while.

So there was a cranky period, took a while to like get over the hump. Got one of those vape pens. Yeah. Yeah, Bingo uses those. That's what I was gonna,

I said I'm gonna bring your vape pen to Rogan's because I don't want to smoke and ruin his fucking studio again. I think we're fine. Yeah. Seems to Rogan's because I don't want to smoke and ruin his fucking studio again. I think we're fine. It seems to be working. Good.

I mean, I can smell it, but I mean, there's not like thick in the air. The fan works. Does it have filters, Jamie? Do we have to clean filters? Do we know anything? After today. After today, motherfucker. Douglas, it's already 2 o'clock.

All right. We did three hours. Really? Yeah. That doesn't even make sense. Time flies by. Anything to tell these fine people? I have nothing to promote. This airs on my first day of retirement. The retirement of Doug Stanhope, which will be...

We're going to take a ten-day train trip going nowhere but on the train. Nice. I mean, we'd go to Chicago, Tucson to Chicago to Portland down to L.A. and back to Tucson. Just have some fun. Hanging around on a train. Beautiful. Yeah. I love it. Love fucking moving.

Yeah, man. I mean, you don't have to do anything. You can do whatever the fuck you want. That's the American dream. The American dream is not just success. It's also freedom, right? Freedom to do whatever. You can do whatever the fuck you want. That's the American dream. The American dream is not just success. It's also freedom. Freedom to not be trapped. To be wise enough to not be trapped by your bills or your

previous commitments. Bang it out. Make enough money. Stockpile your finances and go, okay, we're good. It's just fucking chill. Live cheap. Discount meat. Lesson to you all America live like Doug Stanhope or don't

is that it yeah that's it goodnight everybody thanks bye that was fucking three hours