The Joe Rogan Experience - #1146 - Jeff Garlin

Episode Date: July 25, 2018

Jeff Garlin is a comedian, actor, producer, director, and writer.

3, 2, 1. Hello, Jeffrey. Hello, Joe. How you doing, man? I'm young and handsome. You are young and handsome. Yes, we all are, if we're not dead. I don't know what that means. It's all good.

I'm all jet-lagged. Yeah. It's cracking. How are you? I'm a big bowl of wonderful. A big bowl? A big bowl. A fucking huge bowl of wonderful. You're aggressive with that statement. I am. I am. Don't doubt me with wonderfulness. I don't doubt you. Yeah. Good to see you, man. Good to see you, too. What's

the latest? What is the latest? About to start another season of the Goldbergs, another season of Curb after that. Do you enjoy working with the fabulous Brian Callen? I love working with Brian Callen. He makes me laugh all the time. He's here later. He's going to be here at 2 o'clock. Oh, so then I'll see him. Or 3, yeah.

Oh, maybe not. But anyhow, point being is I dig Brian Callen very much. He likes you, too. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool, man. What's the latest with the stand-up career? I see you around the store a lot. At the store, on occasion.

I don't do the store that much anymore because I've stopped doing showcase spots for the most part. I just do, I have a regular show every Friday night at the Improv in the lab. And I do, you know an hour hour in ten minutes and then occasionally I do flappers which is a horrible name yet in Burbank but a little club but a great room a great room yeah and I do there on occasion on Sunday nights so I do an hour going out of the house for 15-20 minutes not worth my time does it do you when you do like an hour set do you plan your sets out or do you have like some material that you'd like to be working on and

is that why you like the freedom of having an hour so you can just kind of fuck around i have no preparation whatsoever except i may think oh i'll talk about that tonight but i have no preparation i may bring up a story i've told before, but I have no idea. Literally when I step on stage, I have no idea what I'm going to talk about. What does help me, what I've done for quite a while now, is I come up to a different song every time I come up. And then I just talk about that song, the story of the making of that song, who sang that song, what that

song means to me, and that will usually lead me to something. That's all I need. Yeah, the reason why I ask is you have a very unusual style. Yes. I've seen you a bunch of times at the store. You're very loose. Yeah, very loose. But it's a great thing because you have the confidence to do that.

Yes. A lot of people have to be super rigid in their preparation. Without a doubt, yes. Say things, set up punchline in the correct order every every night i'm only confident in the fact that i'm funny i am not confident in any other fact in terms of going on stage that's the most important it is the most important and so i go up with the knowledge that no matter what goes down i am funny and will be funny boom good night that's it good night, and are you doing the road at all? Hardly ever when I do the road

It's I did London in December that a couple weeks of shows a couple weeks. Yeah a couple weeks at a theater there What did you go to a theater? It's a small cool theater. That's like 500 seats or something. I don't even know I don't even pay attention. How's that I've done like I've done that. I've done Leicester Square. I've done a couple different places. Yeah, Leicester Square is good. Yeah, I just, I'll go to London. I go to New York on occasion and perform. I use, I've played everywhere.

I've played everywhere from Indianapolis to Seattle to Miami. Like, and all points in between, you know? Tucson, you know, um, Tucson, uh, you know, Phoenix. I mean, like all over, I've done it. I'm, I'm 56 years old. I've got two TV shows. I develop a bunch of other stuff.

I'm passionate about my standup. I get enough. I don't have to earn a living by going on the road, which I have had to in the past. So I stay home and do my stand-up when I can, which is every Friday for sure. It's very nice, and I've worked towards that. That's a beautiful thing to work towards, because the thing that does get you is that travel. Oh, you know, the thing that no one understands is the only joy that you can possibly get when you travel is the moment when you're on stage. And if that's troublesome or not fun, it's a drag.

It's depressing. But those moments on stage, if they're great, it's all worth it. Yeah. No, it's the thing. Also, when you go on the road, if you have to do morning radio, you have to do those kinds of things. Well, that's the thing. It screws up your time, you know, what time you go to bed. Because I like to set, I don't worry as much on a consistent basis what time I wake up

because that'll be automatic. I try consistently to go to bed at the same time every night. I try consistently to go to bed at the same time every night. It's a different approach that a psychiatrist told me, and it has worked wonders for me. A psychiatrist told you? Yeah. Because everyone always focuses on waking up the same time every day. Right.

He said, focus on going to bed at the same time every night, and that'll be more productive for you. And I do that with a sort of a half-hour bump to fall asleep, to maybe read for a minute, whatever. But I'm in bed usually by 10. I've never gone to a psychiatrist, but one of the shows that I was on, I was like the only person on the set that didn't go to a psychiatrist. I'm like, maybe I'm fucked up no by the way if you're functioning in the world that's great congratulations i have sometimes trouble functioning in the world how's that and and and a well it's like i find going on stage, I'm fearless. And I don't even like leaving my house. I prefer to stay home. I love napping. Oh, do I love napping. If I could smoke some indica and take a nap every day,

I do transcendental meditation. I do all the chill things at home and I leave to work. I don't like going to parties. I like a good dinner party because that means I can have an actual conversation with someone. Right. But I was just at a party the other night, a goodbye party for a friend of mine. It was at Jeff Ross' house and I had the worst time. I lasted 20 minutes. The only people

I could talk to were comedians. Who else would be at Jeff Ross' party but comedians? Well, some people with man buns in a hot tub. It was very unsettling and wrong. I wanted nothing to do with it. I said my goodbyes to my friend, and she's moving to Japan. Oh, wow.

So I said my goodbyes. I was out of respect to her that I went, but out of respect to myself, I didn't stay long. Man buns in a hot tub is never a good combination. Right, you see a man bun in a hot tub, you go, I don't belong here. It's over. I don't belong here. Yeah, you don't belong there. Yeah.

That can't be done. No, it's bad. When did that start happening? When did the man bun start? Man buns, to me, like in a big way, a couple years ago. It was like Samurais, and then there was a big drop-off for a long time. Samurais, and then a big drop-off. That's exactly it.

I don't get it. I mean, why grow your hair long if you're going to wear a man bun? I think they like the idea. Either grow your hair long and dig it. Yeah, the idea. It's ridiculous. I was at a gas station in Studio City, and I was seconds away from talking to this dude. And I was seconds away from talking to this dude.

He had a man bun that looked like a bird's nest with a waterfall on the outside. And I just went, why? I just wanted to ask him. I go, I'm being totally friendly. I want to make this a conversation. Why? Explain. I don't get it.

I feel like what it is is like they're letting you know that this is me when I'm out, but when I'm at home and I'm feeling sexy, I just undo that. And let it down. I don't know what it is. I just relax and I unravel. It's a big boulder wrong. It's a big boulder wrong. And no, you're not sexy. Let it go down.

I'm feeling sexy. You're douchey. What's the longest your hair's ever been? Mine? I had like a Jufro type festival happening when I was younger, like longer, curlier, but not like shoulder length. Right. No.

It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It's weird that hair grows that long only on your head. That's what's weird. It's like hair knows better on your arm. And you're grown like Robert Plant's head cool hair. Like, go for it. Don't man bun it.

Go for it. I'm all for long hair. Rockers have different rules. I saw a guy last night in a band, a bass player. Big man bun. Big ball of wrong. You know what I'm uncomfortable with? A CEO haircut in a rock band.

Oh. What are you doing with that fucking buttoned down conservative haircut? See, I dig that. Playing a band. I think playing against type is a big ball of delightful. Nah. Not into it. Joe, we differ on this one. We differ on this one.

Yes. We do. I think a group of men, like I thought David Bowie's band Tin Machine, I didn't really dig their music, but I love the look of all them wearing the suits with the close cropped hair. Well, Bowie's so odd and so undeniably creative that he was allowed to get away with anything he wanted. Well, he's allowed to do anything he wants.

But truthfully, if you have any sort of confidence, you can. Except the man bun. There it is right here. Yeah, there it is. The history of David Bowie's. Yeah, but that dude should have cut his hair short, the one with the long hair. Maybe. But he's kind of John Travolta and Pulp Fiction-ish.

He cut it short there he is the pressure from the other three guys got to be too much he got tired of buying shampoo and all that bullshit yeah yeah yeah the upkeep is ridiculous it's outrageous yeah dudes who condition their hair and they have to leave it in for 10 minutes oh that's a big bowl of come on man come on bro yeah but for something there's some reason why it is okay in a band, but it's not okay for a comic. Like a comic with long Led Zeppelin hair. Because you know what happens when a comic does that? Their whole act becomes about it.

And it's like, dude, that's just boring. Do you remember Jackson Perdue? I do remember Jackson Perdue. Crazy long hair. Yeah. Like a band guy. Yeah. A lot of material about his hair. He Yeah, a lot of material about his hair.

He did have a lot of material about his hair. I know. I used to, when I was younger, I went for the obvious. I did a lot of material about having a big head. Now it's of no interest to me. You couldn't also do the Robert Plant shirt thing either. I have a Robert Plant shirt. Not his. You never like let it open down to your crotch.

I think it's called nurses do it better or nurses. Someone nursing on it's powder blue. He wore it on one of the Zeppelin tours in the early 70s. And I saw it for sale on Amazon. And I bought one. It doesn't give off the same vibe. Yeah, it's different with different people, right? Yeah, but I always, one of my non sequiturs to tell people all the time is you love the nursing industry i just said if

you're like you know what you love you love the nursing industry i've said that to nurses and what do they say people just chuckle they don't know how to make you know it's a non-sequitur he's weird yeah it's a non-sequitur they don't know you know non-sequiturs throw people yeah nervous laughter there's a certain things there's certain looks that came and went and people tried to bring back. Like, do you remember a few years back they were trying to bring back bell bottoms? No. Yes. That's how much of a failure it was.

Bill Murray was actually photographed a couple of days ago at a golf course with some fabulous bell bottoms on it. Oh, see, that's delightful. Yeah. Because it's so wrong that it's beautiful and perfect. They're crazy, too. Look at the picture. Look at them. Oh, see, that's a big bull.

He's so fun, that dude. He's wonderful. He is just so fun. Look at him. He lives in South Carolina or something. Yeah, well, I think it's because of his kids. Is that what it is? Yeah, I think it was a family thing.

Oh. He's a... That's a beautiful shot. He was on Bourdain's show, and Bourdain interviewed him in his small town where he lives, and it's like, wow, look at this guy, just kind of hanging out, being normal. No girlfriend, no wife, just being himself now. But you don't know that he doesn't have a girlfriend, or... He was talking about it.

Oh, he was talking about it? Yeah. I don't think he was talking about it on that show. He was talking about it in an interview. Yeah. He just doesn't want to do it anymore. He's like, leave me alone. Yeah, leave me alone.

Stop. Delightful. That's why I like staying home. It's nice. As a matter of fact, at the end of my shows, I always thank the audience for actually leaving their homes to come see me because I know what an effort that is. And I'm so appreciative of it. So you're just a homebody type character. Yeah.

Is this always been your thing? Well, you know, it's like my life is extraordinary, so I want to live an ordinary, as ordinary a life as I can. That makes sense. You know, just calm. It doesn't have to be ordinary. Down, you know, chilling, man. Yeah, you need that, right?

Yeah. With the chaos of performing and shows. Like tonight I'm going to an opening of a movie. My friend wrote it. Yeah, prepare yourself for it. Like, oh, here we go. No, no, I'll be cool with it. Like if I know I'm doing it and why I'm doing it, I do it.

You know, but the movie sucks, I'll leave. Whose party? Jeff Ross's. Well, you know, I'd go to a dinner party if he had one again. I'm done, though, with the Jeff Ross parties. Jeff Ross has a lot of parties. I know. I love Jeff Ross.

I do, too. But I am not going to any more of his parties. Tell him. I'll go by myself to his house. Grab him. Put two hands on his shoulders. Tell him you love him. By the way, I will.

As long as next time I see him, I'm going to talk to him about the man bun in the pool. Like, who are you friends with that has a man bun? He's a producer, bro. Yeah. He's helping me with a project. Yeah. Well, he didn't look like a producer. Grab the shoulders. Go, I love you. I can't come to your fucking pool parties anymore, bro.

Well, it wasn't even a pool party. That was a thing. Somebody went, I'm going to bring my suit and my man bun and get in the pool. And he got in the pool with two other people. I didn't really notice that there was man bun. That's unfortunate. If it's not a pool party and you decide to get in the pool, that's always awkward as fuck. Well, I just didn't belong.

Yeah. You got to be like a really comfortable person to take off your clothes when everybody else has theirs on. By the way, I'm pro-naked. Good for you. I'm pro-naked. Good for you. I'm pro-naked. Me too. I mean, for me. I'm all comfortable.

Well, you're fit. The fact that I'm pro-naked. I feel like you're angry at me. No. By the way, I saw your little festival here. You're really, your passions are comedy and fitness. That's one thing. Yeah, that's one thing I'm into.

Cars. Yeah, well, I'm just- American Werewolf in London. Yeah. Is that what the thing in the middle is? Yes, it is. Yeah, I recognize that. I'm into. Cars. Yeah, well, I'm just- American Werewolf in London. Yeah, that's- Is that what the thing in the middle is? Yes, it is. Yeah, I recognize that. You did good.

Yeah. I love that movie. But that's when he was in Trafalgar Square. Yes. Yeah, I know. I remember that moment. It was scary. I'm not happy unless I'm exercising.

I've tried both ways. I'm not happy unless I'm napping. So we both have our ways about us. Yeah. Well, everybody's body's different. By the way, but I do exercise. I eat well. I eat gluten-free.

I eat dairy-free. And I eat sugar-free. That's awesome. That's a good combination. Yeah, and I aspire to be more of a vegetarian, but I'm not obsessed with it. Do you read books on nutrition? I have read many books on nutrition.

Yes, some that Brian Callen even recommended to me. Really? Which ones? I couldn't think of the name. Oh, I probably have them on my phone. You really want to know. Brian Callen's a big recommender of books. Yeah, Kindle.

Hold on. I'll tell you what he recommended. And they were good. I learned. You know, every one of those kind of books, even if they're not well written or whatever, I learn something from i pick up i read uh a ton that's what i do when i'm at home i read a lot i listen to albums and i read music and i play guitar say albums do you have like a record player i have a record player

and i have a thousand albums okay wow i'm one of those guys thousand albums probably about a thousand holy shit yeah I enjoy it. Do you have like a room that you go to? I'm going to. I'm moving into a new house, which will have a specific room that I will go into to strictly play guitar and listen to Analog. Whoa. Which is an album.

Yeah. Do you know Henry Rollins at all? I do know Henry Rollins. We're not great friends, but I do know him. He's an acquaintance of mine. He's a fascinating guy. He's a fascinating guy he's a fascinating guy good man very good that dude very inspirational guy too inspires me i dig him i i did an interview with him at largo i dig him big time he's got these crazy quarter million dollar speakers in his house yeah like there's his speaker room

million dollar speakers in his house. They're like, there's his speaker room. Look at this. This is the room. So he has all these albums and those gigantic things. By the way, the dude on the right, I think, is Robert Hilburn, who was the critic for the LA Times. That's how much I dig music. I think that's Robert Hilburn.

I'm pretty sure. So Henry gets it. Henry, who obviously became famous as a musician. He wrote the great Johnny Cash book that came out a few years ago. Because I see you dig Johnny Cash by the pictures on the wall. I love Johnny Cash. I had a dog named Johnny Cash. Just died recently, unfortunately.

My granddaughter's name is Johnny Cash. Those speakers are fucking crazy. Look at these speakers he's got. Yeah, I just got new speakers and they were like $8,000 for a pair, and I thought I was nuts. Look at the size of that shit. That's ridiculous. $200,000, it says. That's like 2001 A Space Oddity-looking speakers.

I want to go over his house, but I don't want to ask. I don't want to be like, Henry, come on, bro. Let me come over your house. I don't want to be that weird guy that he avoids. I'm looking for the books, because I know I downloaded them. I didn't want to own them. But how many people do you think own those speakers? I mean, I think you have to be-

But first off, you have to be wealthy. Yes. Or that's where you want to put your money. Click on that yellow one that you just- What's that? Oh, that's the same speaker except in yellow. Oh, okay. Those are a big ball of rum because they look like plumbing supplies.

Do they? They don't look good. I don't think they look good. Oh, I think they look good. I think they look futuristic. Again- They must sound amazing. Oh, here we good. I don't think they look good. Oh, I think they look good. I think they look futuristic. Again, oh, here we go. Why We Get Fat. Oh, is that Cowan?

I can't remember the guy's name. Why We Get Fat and The 4-Hour Body. Oh, yeah. Okay, Tim Ferriss' book. Yeah, Tim Ferriss. And I learned stuff from both. So I learned stuff about nutrition and stuff. And at my most, I was 320. Whoa. And I'm stuff about nutrition and stuff. And I'm in my, at my

most, I was three 20 and I'm currently in the two forties and I'm making the transition now to hopefully low two thirties, somewhere in the two twenties and then building up muscle and I'll never be fit like you. And I'm not, I'm not, I'm not saying that to insult myself in terms of like, you know, but this is a passion of yours. It's not a passion of mine. I just want to live life at a higher level and a better level. You just want to feel good. I want to feel great.

Yeah. And I already do. So if I can improve on this, delightful. The big thing is cutting carbohydrates. Most people eat far too much bread, far too much pasta. For me, that's where the gluten and the sugar came from. And the dairy, and I feel good with my body not having those things. I react positively.

So anything else is okay for me. What kind of exercise do you do? I do Pilates. Pilates is fucking hard. Really hard. Yeah, I have a great Pilates teacher It's great I do

I swim I work with a trainer I play tennis Playing tennis Tomorrow morning Today's Wednesday Yeah tomorrow morning I'll be playing with my tennis teacher

I play golf Which is not that physical However Like I was at the store Buying stuff the other day You know at the golf store And he wanted

The guy Very nice guy Helping me Wanted to sell me something that I don't have to bend over to get the ball. I go, I think that bending over and, as a matter of fact, stretching my hamstrings, really I don't know the benefit I'd get from golf if I didn't at least bend. He's telling you not to bend? Well, they have these things so people don't have to bend. Well, that's for people with really bad backs. No, no, no. It's for lazy people.

That's what I think a lot of people. So for me, it's a matter of pride to bend. Well, because if you have a bad back, you probably can't swing either, right? You can't swing, yeah. Because it's a lot of your back. But I do a lot of different things. I love sports. I used to play, when I was younger, I played baseball and football.

Do you ever play golf or tennis, rather, with Callan? Because he's a tennis freak. No, I should actually. By the way, I just started again. I haven't played tennis since I was a kid. I'm actually going to talk to him about that. Hopefully we can play some. The thing about tennis, though, is it's a lot of going left and right and left and right

and putting weird strains and pressures on your knees. Yeah, it's great for your... But it's great for bone mass. Oh, okay. It's good for it. Bone mass. That makes sense. Yeah. As you're pushing, yeah. Pushing off. That's good for it. Bone mass. That makes sense. Yeah.

You're pushing. You're pushing, yeah. Pushing off. No, I dig it. And by the way, I'm not going to play competitive with him. I'm going to hit with him. Right. Because he could probably beat me.

He also weighs about 70 pounds less than me. Yes. So he can move better. He's spry. And he's been playing. He's very spry. He takes his physical fitness very seriously. He does.

And I'll tell you about it. Oh, yeah. Listen, I know. Yeah. He gets very serious about half-assing everything. He gets very serious. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying?

Like, he's never going to get, he's never going to, like, commit to being, like, a professional tennis player. Right. But he'll get pretty serious about kind of getting into tennis. You know what I'm talking about? Well, that works. Whatever. Sure.

Who needs the stress? Yeah. No, I'm saying it's like a good balance. Yeah. I get obsessed about things. He gets obsessed about kind of getting into things. But then doesn't go, like, we started out doing jiu-jitsu together. He's not barren by follow through.

Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. You are a follow through fucking mother fucking follow through. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. You are a follow through fucking mother fucking follow through. All first let's do is a walk around here and go, or look at you. You're a fucking specimen, you fucker. You're a specimen. Just trying to stay sane, Jeff.

That's right. Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? You're married. Yep. Yeah. Your wife must appreciate that. What?

The physicalness? Well, you're a good man, but looking over and going, my husband's not a fat piece of shit. He's a fit motherfucker, and I'm going to fuck his brains out tonight. Does she ever say that? No. Not around me, at least. Well, she should.

Maybe I should start bugging the house. You should. Find out what she says when I'm not there. When you're not there, I bet you that's what she says to her friends. Are you married? I can't answer. Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't want to pressure you don't pressure me that's like I can't I can't talk about that right now yeah that's probably good transitions healthy yeah I like it yeah things

are in flux they're fluxing I'm in a flux festival it It's not bad. Yeah. No, it's bad. There's no winning. Oh. There's no winning. I love my wife, but I don't want to go home. And I love being alone, but being alone blows. So there's no winning. There's no winning.

I'm a sad young man. But I'm really happy. Because I'm functioning at a high level. I'm rising up. You know what I mean? I'm facing at a high level. I'm rising. I'm rising up. You know what I mean? I'm facing adversity head on. Yes. But my wife is a lovely woman.

Lovely woman. That's one of the things about going on the road. You appreciate people when you come back. Oh, my God. Yeah. When you're with them every day. But do they appreciate you? Good night, everybody.

Yeah. If you're there with them every day staring at each other. I mean, I don't care who it is. It could be your best friend on the planet. Too much time with somebody except for rare exceptions. Right. Wow, is that bad. Yeah, it could be terrible.

Yeah. It could be terrible. Yeah. Almost everybody. Yeah. Yeah. People, you know, you need to be around variety in terms of like different styles of communication. Yeah, most definitely.

And by the way, I don't stay home because I'm not like staying home because I want to avoid experiences. I like experiences and I'll go have an experience. But when I when I deem that experience like Jeff party, not good for me, I leave. But if I'm having an experience that's new and I'm digging it, I'll stay. That makes sense. Yeah. Well, you know what you like. That's a healthy thing.

I'm 56 years old, man. Yeah. I know. You're a man. I'm a man. Yeah. I am a man. You're a man.

I'm Jeff Garland. You're an actualized man. I'm an actualized. I'm aspiring to grow all the time that's what that's my thing to be a wise man i aspire my goal is to be a wise man and i'll never reach it not that i'd be stupid but i'm saying it's always evolving i have a friend and many many years ago was at her house and she had the sign that said enlightenment is possible in this lifetime. I saw that and I went, whoa. Wow, that's deep.

Levels of it and putting you at a higher place than you are, I agree with. But true enlightenment, I'm not cynical. I have more of a critical eye. There you go. Right. That's possible. I'm not cynical. I've never seen it. I've not seen it, but it's like I'm not going to deem it impossible because then who am i and that's like me saying there's no god

that's like me saying i'll tell you who killed kennedy i don't know right and it's also what exactly is enlightenment and by whose standard definition right well so maybe if you have a very low standard for enlightenment yeah and you reach whatever that level is, you go, I did it in my lifetime. Look at me. Like, if you are smoking indica, listening to great music, and having fantastic sex after a great meal, and then someone says, no, no, no, you're just supposed to meditate and just sit in a room and be mindful. Hey, how about fuck you? How about a big bowl of fuck you yeah i by the way can we make that happen for me that i smoke some indica listen to some music

have some great sex after a great meal how do i arrange that this it can be done i guess it can be done garland it should be done yeah that's what tony says to me you're jeff garland tony who hinchcliffe yeah yeah he's right yeah well i Well, I tend to be confident in my comedic skills. Well, you should be. Yeah. You're a funny guy. Yeah, but outside of that, I'm not lacking in confidence. But leaving my house is, like I said, quite the effort.

But that's what I'm saying is, like, by whose definition is enlightenment? Because, like, say if you wanted to go to a concert or you wanted to go to a great movie, would an enlightened person enjoy a great movie? I would think my version of an enlightened person would in fact enjoy a great movie. I've been enlightened at a concert. I saw James Brown when he first got out of prison and I found that performance that he gave

was the most enlightened performance I'd ever seen. Was this when he was in the car chase? Was that that prison? Yeah, it was the last prison. He shot at cops because— I believe so, yeah. That one was someone else used his bathroom, right? Isn't that what happened?

Someone took his shit? I actually don't know. I know that he got in trouble with the cops. But maybe it was taxes. I don't know. I know that he got in trouble with the cops. But maybe it was taxes. I don't know. That's a big difference. Someone using his toilet. But the point being is that he had gotten out of prison.

It's just the idea that James Brown was in prison. I think, maybe I'm remembering this incorrectly, but I think someone used his toilet and then he got mad at that person and shot at something. Like either shot at the wall or something. I don't remember that story, but I assume that you're looking it up right now. Yeah, he's looking it up. Okay, so we'll find out. I feel like he was in a high-speed chase. They shot his tires out.

I don't remember it this way. I remember something in a car, though. Maybe. I'm pretty sure they shot his tires out and he was driving around on the rims. He had to have been doing a lot of blow or something to make him that agitated. You know what I mean? No normal human. Then again, we're talking about James Brown.

Is that agitated? I mean, who gets that agitated? He was fucking phenomenal when he was young. Two-state chase that went up to 85 miles an hour involved 14 cars. He said he didn't stop because he feared for his life, though. I'm trying to see why it started, and I don't see that. I feel like that's what started. He fired off a gun because someone used his toilet.

By the way, a two-state chase. I'm guessing he lived near the border. He probably lived in one of those wacky states. He lived in Georgia. Oh, okay. Well, maybe it was like Georgia, Florida. Yeah, it could be. Right?

They're close to each other. Georgia, Florida line. Isn't that a band? It is, right? Doesn't Wheeler Walker make fun of them? Yeah, it just says he failed a beta pullover. That's all it is? That's what it says.

But I'm pretty sure that's why they were pulling him over. I think they were going after him. I might be wrong about that. Maybe I'm confusing him with, okay, Chuck Berry was the one who was filming people going to the bathroom, right? I think. He liked to pee on ladies, I'm pretty sure. Interesting. I'm pretty sure.

Interesting. Generally, when I enjoy James Brown's music, I'm not thinking about his car. I'm thinking about his other side, you know. Just to say that, your story. Oh, really? Yeah. What does it say? Oh, here it goes.

Carrying a deadly weapon at a public gathering in an attempt to flee Paris, driving under the influence of drugs. Okay. He reportedly stormed into the insurance company next to his office, waving a shotgun and complaining that strangers were using his bathroom. As Time reported, that's it. He drove on the rims for six miles. There you go. Are you kidding me? Years later, this episode would frame the 2014 Brown biopic Get On Up.

I'm guessing that I saw him after this. Uh-huh. Because it was right after that. It would be late 80s early 90s Jesus Christ he did six years yeah he was in there for a while six fucking years how about just sober him up he was on PCP they they gave him a year for each mile he drove on rumors of a PCP habit had already surfaced by the time his erratic behavior came to a head in September.

Wow. PCP is a tricky one, huh? He sang in the prison choir. I bet he did. Shit, imagine you go to jail for stealing a car and your fucking celly is James Brown. Hey, buddy. What do you want to do? Yeah, that's

something. That's a hell of a story. Yeah, help him write some songs you know get on up yeah did you ever see um when he opened up for um the muhammad ali fight with george foreman in the documentary holy shit was that incredible that was incredible yeah incredible yeah he had so much power there was something about him man he would get on stage it was just power give you an idea how much power prince wished for that power fuck yeah well prince had it but he had a different way different way but prince looked up to that power like that didn't no james brown was ridiculous i can't sing and i looked up to it yeah i don't have any musical talent it just tells you

what a waste elvis was because elvis had that power and he didn't use it. He had it early on and then He could never dance like James Brown though or if he did he never showed it. Oh no no but it would be different. It's a different kind of power. If he just took and harnessed what he had. Yeah here it is. Look at this. Look at his

dress too. Look at the way he's dressed. Look at the fucking pants and the shirt. Look at his god damn's dressed. Look at the fucking pants and the shirt. Look at his goddamn dropping down doing splits. I know. He was not human. And by the way he's not even really flexible enough to do a full split and yet he's still dropping down on stage.

Do you know he was wearing a turtleneck that night and I said to him cut that baby out. I said let's leave a little bit. Let's put your initials on there. I think that that was done in advance. Look at the girls he's hanging around with. Yeah, I know.

Probably fucked all of them, too. He's James Brown. Woo! Yeah, look at his giant-ass band. I don't envy those people. You know when you see people with bands touring? All those people, all those working pieces have to fall into place? Yep.

Look at all that, though. Yeah. But goddamn, what a performance. What a performer. When I saw him, it blew my mind. It literally blew my mind. Well, what's interesting, too, is that Prince, who died of painkillers, he died from fentanyl. Yeah.

He blew his hips out dancing. That was the thing. And that apparently is a very common thing. My friend Maynard, Maynard Keenan from Tool Keenan from tool lead singer tool he just recently had his hip replaced and um he was doing he's he's big into jiu-jitsu loves jiu-jitsu and he was having a really hard time doing certain things so went to a doctor to see what's going on with his hip and they're like dude your hip is gone son like it's just And now is he functioning at a high level? Yeah, he's fine. The hip replacement

is one of the most unusual ones in terms of its ability to restore you back to a fairly normal state other than running. That's why being a comedian is delightful. We don't have to do any of that shit. There's no, get on up! And by the way, when you see

someone moving around like that on stage, I will bet you every penny I have, they're not funny. Callan moves a lot on stage. He's very funny. He doesn't move like... Sometimes he throws kicks. So upstairs in the... Belly room?

No, the improv upstairs. Okay. You know that green room thing? Okay. There's a monitor on stage with a thing and i will turn to whoever i'm with i go funny not funny because i i can watch and tell how whether the comedy is coming to them or whether they're pushing it and most of the move around people are pushing it but jim carrey was a move around guy he was always really funny But move around in a different sort of way.

There's exceptions. Well, there's exceptions to all stuff, like all things. But in this sort of way, I'm talking about when someone just stands there and talks and then they're doing some sort of movement, it's not good. Jim Carrey, there was a purpose. Brian, it's part of who he is. That's not what I'm talking about. It's part of who he is. Yeah.

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people that just oversell shit by physicalizing what should be just funny the way you say it, not even what you're saying, the way you say it. Tom Segura calls it dance moves. It is dance moves. Good night. Tom Segura's right. Tom Segura's funny. He's a genius.

I used to call it English, putting English on a cue ball. Yeah, spin. Yes. It's English. Cue balls spin around. Totally unnecessary. But dance moves is better. Dance moves is better.

So I've adopted dance moves now. Dance moves is better. And that's what I'm talking about. So Jim Carrey and Brian Callen do not have dance moves. Right. They just are funny and they also move. Yeah, there's a reason for their moving. But I don't know of any.

But dance moves, oh, come on, man. And you know what's so funny? Years ago, I remember any time I saw someone miming having sex, you know, pumping air, I would just go, not funny. No. It was just like, it was a sign of like. But what if there's a bit where you have to mime pumping air? There's got to be a bit.

Pumping air? Yeah. You mean like screwing pumping? Yeah, some bits. But who doesn't know what that looks like? Why do you need to pump? Maybe there be a bit. Pumping air? Yeah. You mean like screwing pumping? Yeah, some bits. But who doesn't know what that looks like? Why do you need to pump? Maybe there's a reason. There's got to be a something.

Unless like you're imitating someone having a heart attack pumping. Right. Or, you know, if the content is about your physicality, that's not dancing. Right, right, right. Dancing is when you put like English, like when you're doing this to accentuate what you're saying. It's like, screw that. We don't need that. Well, do you ever go to open mic nights?

I used to do them up until recently. Really? I would just show up and say, can I go up and do 10? And what was really fun was when the person who had them didn't know who I was. Oh, that's great. And then I watched as other people explained. And it was cool because I didn't have an attitude, you know. Right.

And I would do my sets. And the audiences at open mic nights are terrible. A lot of times, yeah. Yeah, they're there to see their friends or they're tired or whatever. Or they've been beaten down by totally unfunny shit. Totally unfunny shit over and over and over again. So yes, up until about four or five years ago, I

used to go to open mic nights. What's fascinating about open mic nights is you're watching people try to figure out how to be funny. Like you're watching people like, if you go to the store tonight and you go there, it's going to be a packed house. It's all Chrisris d'alia and

fucking andrew santino and ali wong it's all killers you know and you're seeing high level comedy over and over again and so you get you into that vibe and like oh this is a great place to be but if you go to an open mic night you're seeing this like primordial ooze you're seeing single celled organisms things that you really shouldn't be seeing. Sometimes. You know, because I explain to people, get as much stage time when you start, get as much stage time as you can without people seeing you. That's good too.

That's very good advice. But you need to go on stage over and over and over again. But don't go on stage at any popular places. Go on stage at the suckiest, because you only learn from when you suck. That's a big part of it, for sure. That's one of the reasons why I really admired Charlie Murphy, because Charlie Murphy was essentially a famous open mic-er when he started. When he started, he had never done stand-up comedy, ever, and then he was just a really

funny actor who was the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time, who got on the Chappelle Show and then started doing stand-up. And Charlie would just fucking do it, just go and do it. And he had some rough sets, too, when he was famous, like really famous. By the way, you think when I did those things that I didn't eat it plenty of times? Oh, open mic nights? Yeah. Everybody eats it there. But what I had was I was in control of myself.

Yes. And it didn't fall apart. Right. Which, if you're an amateur, would fall apart. Yes. But it doesn't mean I did well. Well, of course. As a matter of fact, I remember one time Dice came into the store.

This is probably four or five years ago, maybe five years ago. And he came up to me. He goes, I'll go up after you. It was very respectful, very nice. And I said, no, I really want to follow you. I want to see what that's like. I've never followed you. Please go up there and go for broke.

Go for fucking broke. How long are you doing? He goes, well, maybe a half hour. I go, great. Go up there for a half hour. I got nowhere to be. I'm going to watch you. And I want you just to fucking hold nothing back.

And then I went up after him. You know how I did? Fine. Didn't do good. Didn't do bad. Did fine because I knew how to handle myself, my professionalism. Yes. The craft of what I know won out.

Yeah. But there's no following that with what I do, which is totally different, and having the audience go, oh, this takes it to a whole new place. No. Did you ever listen to The Day the Laughter Died? Rick Rubin's album with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking phenomenal.

Yeah, great album. It's just eating shit for two hours. Two hours, I know. He showed up at Dangerfields, for people who don't know, it's literally, I will never forget, I was just starting out. I think he did this, look this up when that was. I want to say it was like 1989, 1990. No, it was after that.

It was fairly early. It was fairly early because I was very young in my career. It might have been then. Because I was still living in Boston. No, no, it might have been then because- 89. still living in Boston. No, no, it might have been then because I was thinking about me living here now. But it came out the first time

I lived here. Well, I was living in Boston and I was just starting out and there was a great comedian named Mike Donovan who to this day is one of the funniest guys I've ever seen in my life. And Mike Donovan was laughing to the point where he couldn't breathe at Dice doing this set while he was doing fucking stadiums. I mean, Dice was doing enormous Nassau Coliseum.

What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! Yeah. 20,000 people. Yeah. He was the biggest comedian of all time. Yeah. And he just decides to show up at Dangerfield in New York City randomly, like on Monday

and a Tuesday night. Doesn't tell anybody he's going to be there. I mean, there's 13, 20 people in the crowd. He records two different sets and he has no material. I mean, fucking none. He's making things up as he goes along and people are getting angry at him and they're walking out and he did a bit about richard nixon about how he eats ass and when he eats ass he does it like richard nixon he was like oh i love this fat fucking ass he was doing this richard

nixon impression of eating ass and for whatever reason mike dunvan thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen in his life he was wheezing like couldn't breathe talking about Dice doing this impression and I was like wow this is like comedy for comedians but for the people that were in the audience like a guy got up he goes you're about as funny as a glass of milk the guy said that to him and then left that's one of the best things on the album these people from like Kansas, you're about as funny as a glass of milk walking off and dice shitting on them. But to have the mindset to be

at not just the top of his game, but literally the top of stand-up ever. No one before him had ever sold out Madison Square Garden multiple nights in a row the way he did. I mean, guys have done it since then.

You know, Dane and Louie and there's been a bunch of guys, Aziz. But no one did it like he did then. He was the first ever to do that. And to do that and then to record these fucking awful sets and then put it out, we're going to fucking put it out. I guarantee that was Rick Rubin's idea. You think so? Without a doubt.

But you know Dice. Dice is like that. I know Dice and I know Rick Rubin. I bet it was both of their ideas. Well, maybe he didn't fight Rick Rubin. I'll have to ask Rick Rubin next time I see him. Yeah, ask him. I never asked him that.

But that sounds to me like Rick Rubin going, let's do this. Interesting. Yeah. But it was to me like Rick Rubin going, let's do this. Interesting. Yeah. But it was such a crazy, bold move. I remember thinking at the time, because I was terrible in 1989 when it came out. I was just confused. How does one do that? One is so confident that they release something that sucks.

Because when I was 19, it was me and my girlfriend, Marta. Me and Marta were sitting in my car, and I had a cassette player, and we were listening to Dice. It was just called Dice. And crying, laughing, crying, laughing. It was before I'd ever done stand-up. And I remember thinking, wow, this guy is fucking something. Like the amount of power that he had on stage and these roars from the

crowd and we're sitting in my car laughing our asses off to the seat this cassette wasn't even cd um that a couple years later he decides i'm just gonna put out something that sucks the day the comedy died the day the laughter died. And he's got like one of them fucking paper boy hats on, on the cover. No, it's black. It's a bold man. The cover's black. And there's a little picture of him on there. Is that what it is?

Yeah, a small picture, I think. Or maybe it's a big picture of him. There it is right there. I don't remember. Oh, no, it's a big picture. We should get a, oh yeah, but it is small in comparison to the actual CD. Yeah. See if we can get, Jamie, let's get a framed copy of that

and put it on the wall somewhere. Was it released as an album? I don't know. Let's get the image. I guarantee there's vinyl. Guarantee. Yeah, let's get, find it, see if we can buy it in vinyl. Look on eBay right now for the day that.

They did it again. He did it again? Yeah, three years later. It They did it again. He did it again? Yeah, three years later. He did the same thing? It's a part two, yeah. I've seen him do that at the store. I've seen him go up late night at the store. I'm like, look at you.

Look at you over there. And just start talking shit to people. Like mean dice is my favorite. Why does he wear weightlifting gloves whenever he goes anywhere? He doesn't like touching people's hands. Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And Big Jay Oakerson wears weightlifting gloves in homage. To Dice? Yeah. That's hilarious. I didn't know that. Yeah.

That's great. Yeah, I was trying to get the two of them together on a podcast, but scheduling-wise it never really worked out. I'm shaking Dice's hand. Different photo on the vinyl. Oh. It's available for 400 bucks on Amazon. Oh, buy that shit. No, no. Buy that shit. We're going to frame it. 400 bucks. I'll go to Dice's hand. Different photo on the vinyl. Oh. It's available for 400 bucks on Amazon. Oh, buy that shit.

No, no. Buy that shit. We're going to frame it. 400 bucks. I'll go to Dice. He might not have it. Yeah, I guarantee he's got it. Hey.

Yeah. You pay for lunch. I'll give you the album. Have you ever seen his Instagram? Ever go to Dice's Instagram? No. It's hilarious. It's just so random.

It's like an older, rich, famous guy who does whatever the fuck he wants. I'm supposed to have had coffee or lunch with him a million times. I never have. It's one of those things. Well, no, it just never happened. Yeah. Yeah, his Instagram is him with a Gold's Gym t-shirt on with crazy sunglasses, and he'll do these little little sketches but they're so random

and weird like him talking to a girl like maybe we should do something later and the girl's like okay like click on this play this this is like his this is his whole thing you like skateboarding i was thinking about it yeah maybe we should do that. It's going to be a good time. Can you cook dinner for me? Why don't you stay out of this one? He doesn't even know how to use the phone. What's your name?

Nicole. What? Nicole. Nicole. All right, I'll call you. I've got to go take care of something. All right. Oh, it's the end of it.

Afterwards, he goes, he's got another one, a follow-up, where he gets mad at himself for not doing anything about it. Like, go to the next video. That's not it. There's another, there, play this one. What a beautiful night, huh? Beautiful. That's it.

It's Eleanor. What a beautiful night, huh? That's what's... She's a comedian, right? Eleanor Kerrigan, yeah. They're so random. The videos are... I guess the text in that video was like,

I should have done something. What's wrong with me? Yeah. But this is him. Why did I leave? I'm so dumb. But they're so random. It's like, what is he doing?

He's just being nice. He used to do that at the store. He used to have comics do these little sketches. Okay, you're going to run through the door there, and you're going to knock him over, and you're going to go, what the fuck? Okay, go. And the guy would do it. He'd run into the door and knock the other guy over, and you're gonna go what the fuck okay go and the guy would do it he'd run into the door and knock the other guy over and go what the fuck yo perfect do it again and he would just he would just film this with like vhs tape you know like an old school

one really and then he would edit it together himself but he did nothing with it and this was like dice was giant just fucking top of the world giant. And this is what he's doing to amuse himself. But I love the fact that the comics would just do it. Oh, Jesus Christ. You're just so happy Dice is talking to you. He's the reason why I started doing the road. I would just do the store all the time.

I was constantly at the store. One time we're in the back. He goes, hey, you're funny. You know, you should do the road. I go, yeah. He goes, yeah. He goes, you don't want to rely on these fucking assholes for money. He goes, you can fucking do whatever you want. Go do the road i go yeah he goes yeah he goes you don't want to rely on these fucking assholes for money he goes you could fucking do whatever you want go do the road i was like yeah why don't i do the road because i was just doing tv shows and then you know do you

doing tv shows you're kind of trapped in this this is how you make your living you got to kind of always be acting and always be going on auditions i was like yeah i was because i wasn't making you don't make real money at the store. You make like $15 a set or whatever you make. I've spent one year I never collected a check, and then they never had them again. At the store? Yeah, I'm guessing with the number of sets I did,

probably about $2,500, $5,000. Probably donated. Donated back to the club. Yeah, donated back to the club. It's not donated to any charity on behalf of the store. Yeah, no, not a charity. You donate to the charity of the store. Yeah.

I don't care. I don't care either. Yeah. It's a good donation. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a place that's a fascinating place. Really, I was gone for seven years, and I've been back for four now. And it is just a—

I love the original room. Oh, it's incredible. That's the room that's got it going. Well, I left all three. I don't. They're all different. The belly room's okay, and the main room— By the way, the main room performing in the main room does not bother me.

I hate the green room. Really? I hate it. Why? The cocaine piano in the middle of the room room, performing in the main room, does not bother me. I hate the green room. Really? I hate it. Why? The cocaine piano in the middle of the room. It's the best piano. Yeah. The fake piano.

But the point being is most of those people I don't want to see. Oh, hanging around back there? Yeah. They just irritate me. I know what you mean. There's just such a negative vibe. Really? I think that there's a lot of comedians that play there that are a big bowl of dead weight.

Whoa. Yeah. Wow. I don't have any names. There's a lot that are joyful and great, and I dig, and I like watching. And my favorite thing to do is laugh at my fellow comedians. But on the flip side, some people just, man, their presence just depresses me. Wow.

Interesting. Yeah. I don't feel that. Okay. Maybe do an impression of me. Wow, interesting. Yeah. I don't feel that. Okay. Maybe do an impression of me. No! Just mime it. Mime what they're doing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, but some really, I think, yeah. Because, you know, the thing when I started in comedy, which is 82, working through, comedians really were a group that stuck together. You don't think that's the case now? No. I think that-

Wow, that's interesting. I think for the past, I think it started changing in late 90s, 2000s, to where it was every man for himself. And a lot of people, it wasn't like you're part of this fraternity. It was like, fuck you fuck you i'm gonna do this you know my thing with competition is i go do your thing if the audience digs you more great if i'm auditioning and you're auditioning go beat me in the room i don't give a crap but there's such a competitiveness and i know that's part of why Eddie doesn't do spots. Eddie Murphy?

Eddie Murphy. Because when I work with him, I would say, why don't you go? He'd say the looks that I get and the vibe that I get from comics, it's not pleasant. And I go, I knew exactly what he was talking about. That's so weird. I have the exact opposite feeling about comedy now and about particularly the store like the store and like the camaraderie of that place. I don't, I don't get it.

By the way, I dig a lot of people there, but the people who I dig know I dig them. Right. And I, and the other ones who I don't dig don't know anything. It's not like I spend time being negative. Yeah. But there's lots of guys and gals that are great, but also plenty of them that like, please step away. I was having a conversation about this with a friend of mine recently who was living for

a while in a place that he hated. And he was saying that if you're in a place where everyone's negative, you really kind of forget that people can be positive. Without a doubt. Yeah. So why should I leave the comedy store? And at least half of the times I play they're leaving their driving home feeling like not positive.

That's so weird. By the way, I sometimes now arrange it. The only set that I do at the comedy store now is I sometimes will close the 7 o'clock original room show. Because there's no one after me so if I'm five minutes long, no one's giving

a crap. And they've already seen the whole show. And I can do that, zip in, do it, and get the hell out. I'll do a benefit in the main room, like I did watch Tony's show. Right. Kill Tony. Kill Tony, yeah. We've got to bring you into the fold, Jeff Garland. Bring what into the fold?

Bring you into the fold of the nice people. By the way, I know the nice people. We have nice conversations with them, but the other people are always there hovering. The hoverers. I don't like a good – I don't like a hoverer. No. Hoverers. Stop hovering.

That is brutal when you're having a good conversation. By the way, if you're not into a groove – if your groove is not about making people laugh – like like I don't care whether you're political, social, how you do your comedy. But if your ultimate goal isn't to bring joy into people's lives, what's the purpose? If it's not about the laughs and joy. And so I find here's the thing I don't dig. A lot of ego running around the store when I'm there. And most of the people I don't like have the biggest egos. Do you think that they're threatened by you because you're a very accomplished guy?

So maybe that's why you're getting that weird vibe from people? I've been told that before, but if I thought that, that would be weird. So I don't pay attention to that. Well, that's because you're a pretty humble guy. You know, there's a great line. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do know this line from the program, which is, what you think of me is none of my business, which I love. That's a great perspective. Great perspective. So what they think of me is none of my business. I just know what they're putting out there. That's all. Yeah. I think sometimes people

will look at you and go, well, here's a guy who's been on some of the all-time greatest television shows ever. You know, you're a guy that's got a massive, like, your resume, your accomplishments as a comic and performer is very enviable. So maybe perhaps they see you and they're like, this guy's in. But I look at myself as a generous guy on every level. I like being generous and I like helping comics, sticking my hand out, doing what I can to help. So I don't feel that I put anything that they should be fearful of out. No, but I think it's their own issue. I mean, I remember when I was starting out, I would get real uncomfortable when I was around really famous people.

I'd be like, wow, this feels weird to be around this guy in real life. I get that. That can be. But when you and I had met, you've always been very friendly, easy to talk to. I like to be a warm, thoughtful person who most of the time prefers to stay at home. But if I'm going to go out, if I'm going to go to the farmer's market, if I'm going to go to the comedy store, I'm prepared to talk to people, take pictures of people, be warm to people, engage with people.

Because if I don't want that, I stay home. Right. And so if I'm in a negative, bad mood, I really will go do my set and get out. But that doesn't happen very often. But I'll stay home. Yeah, that's why you need that down time right you gotta be able to recharge gotta be able to recharge I used to not allow myself that I used to work so hard

I was reading this article yesterday about Tom Cruise about Tom Cruise's life being very strange Jesus Christ Jeff Garland what is going on with your phone what is that ringer? It's a theme to A Man and a Woman. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Do-do-do-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I don't even know what A Man and a Woman is. It's a French movie. Jesus Christ. But hold on a second here. How am I supposed to know that? I actually sing that with Jeff, who plays piano in the original. Jeff Richard. Not Jeff

Richard. Jeff Scott. He and I, he'll start, I'll look at him and I'll go, I'm not singing tonight. And the audience most of the time goes, oh, as if I'm known for singing, which I make fun of them. But then in the middle of the show, I'll just look at him and go,

Jean said, Jean said, and I sing. And then when I'm done, I tell the audience that I'm in a very accomplished French gibberish, which is what it is. But yeah, it's a great song. So do you have custom ringtones for when different people call you? No, I just have a theme. That's the one?

And generally my ringer's off, which it's off now. Last thing I was listening to was Buddy Guy. The blues is alive and well. Buddy Guy's newest album. He's, I think, about to turn 82. I'm going to go to Chicago for his birthday. He just put out a new album and he's 82? And it's a badass album. Of course it is.

Oh, he rips it, the whole album. Of course he does. He's amazing. But that inspires me to still... By the way, everything about aging is about relevancy. How are you contributing? Right. Like George Carlin. No one cared that George Carlin was 75 or whatever he was.

Doesn't matter. He's relevant. He's contributing. That's what I aspire to. Relevancy. To contribute to mankind, to my art, to everything. mankind to my art to everything so i'll never be like you know if someone says who's that old dude and i'm not doing anything based on what i'm aspiring to do that's their issue right right you know because i will be to my best ability relevant that's an interesting perspective

because it's really true but it's something that people don't think about you know it's like like rock stars in particular like no one looks at mickger and go, why is that guy still doing it? Because when you watch him do it, you're like, oh, Jesus, he's still doing it. He's still doing it. He's like, button your lips. Yes, watching him live is ridiculous. And by the way, he really moves, no kidding around, like at the oldest 30. No, he moves phenomenal.

It's ridiculous. He's 71. 70-something, still shooting loads in the into hot models he had a baby recently that's my stage name by the way yeah yeah is it that's my band how do you have that stage name that's my band's name i didn't license it though so i'll give it back to you i put my apologies bruce springsteen's another one springsteen's in his 60s by the way i saw that show i saw that show yeah and i that show. Yeah? And I, my jaw was on the floor. I could not believe that show. His Broadway show? His Broadway show. It was

one of the greatest things I've ever seen. 74? He turns tomorrow. Yeah, 75 tomorrow. Jesus Christ. And he works out, I believe, twice a day, every day. Does he really? He does yoga and he trains with weights and all. See if you could find mick

jagger shirtless uh as an old man yeah but i mean like recent right well now go to tools go to tools to the right and and then go to uh yeah time yeah there we go i know yeah say right recent Yeah, time. Yeah, there we go. That's the old picture. I know. Say, write recent. See if you can find a recent one. There's a lot of pictures of him with his clothes off. Jesus Christ, Mick. Put a fucking shirt on. Huh?

What are you, a hot model? Yeah, he's an interesting man. But that's why I say to you, there's always exceptions. Yeah, far right. What do you got there? Is that him? That's a model. Oh, that's not Mick Jagger you, there's always exceptions. There, far right. What do you got there? Is that him? That's a model. Oh, that's not Mick Jagger, you son of a bitch.

That's him at 40 with the beard. I know that for sure. So that's the oldest one I've seen. Okay. Well, either way, the guy is a crazy. No, he's ridiculous. But his movements are what's amazing. His voice, I think, is still amazing.

And the way he moves, it's so fluid. It's so beautiful. He does a lot of yoga, I think, is still amazing. And the way he moves. Yes. It's so fluid. It's so beautiful. He does a lot of yoga, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Google his workout, Mick Jagger's workout, because he's incredibly disciplined, apparently. And then look up Barnaby Jones reunion.

Oh. Just out of curiosity. Is that coming? Look at him. Look at that. Right there. Takes up yoga at 73. There you go. Oh, is that what he did? Yeah. Oh at that. Right there. Takes up yoga at 73. There you go.

Oh, is that what he did? Yeah. Oh, it takes up aerial yoga. I guess you're doing it on the ground. Didn't work for him enough anymore. Yeah, not enough. He needed to take it to a new level. That's just ridiculous.

Yeah. Incredible. Mick Jagat diet and exercise program. Live long, stay young. What if he only eats peppers? Pfft. I was just in Thailand, and when you go to the bathroom, right by the toilet, they literally have one of those garden hoses that you would wash a car with.

They don't even play with bidets. Because with those peppers, when you're eating that Thai food, like this kind of splatter that you're creating, they're like, let's just be honest. Toiletpaper is not good enough. You're going to need to hose down some. Wouldn't it be funny if there's a guy waiting outside the bathroom to explain that to you? You just walk out and he says to you, you're probably a little confused, but toiletpaper is not good. They're not explaining nothing there. There's something I put up on my Instagram today about a sign that I saw that said,

please don't pee on the floor. And I'm like, how many people have to pee on the floor before you put a sign up that says, please don't pee on the floor? And by the way, if you're a person who pees on the floor, are you really going to go, oh, I was going to, but now I'm not at all. I'm stopping the floor peeing. Exactly. It's like, please don't rape.

By the way, the truth is about floor peeing, pee ends up on the floor. Some does. Yeah, some does. For dudes. Yeah, for dudes. Another thing I read that's very honest that I read that I agree with, some guy said because of smartphones, I pee sitting down much more than I would like to admit. Oh.

That's a fact. We did an episode about that on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah, because you sit down and you're like, well, I'll just take a shit and if it doesn't come out, I'll just pee and I'll read my phone. Yeah, I guess. Just read stuff. Yeah. You guess. No, look, people with their phones, that's a whole thing.

You got a problem with phones? As a tool, no, I do not. But as a avoiding being in the present, do yeah they're addictive they're addictive they're very addictive and by the way i gotta be honest i don't remember the last show where somebody didn't pull out their phone the last show like when people are texting people are someone is even if it's one person right i can't even remember somebody not doing that and that's the ultimate that's so disrespectful.

Well, one of the things I did before my last Netflix special that I filmed in April was I went on tour for three months where you had to use those cell phone bags. Oh, you did those? Those yonder bags. Yeah. They're a giant fucking pain in the ass. By the way, I play a lot at Largo. Uh-huh. And I would just make an announcement,

and then if someone does, you kick them out. No, I mean, some people just feel like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I've got to just answer this text. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I've just got to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm a big fan. I'm going to take a picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but my response is, yeah, yeah, but I'll see you later.

Yeah, there's an issue. But what I was going to say is that it's a big pain in the ass, those yonder bags, but the show was like 10% better. Because no one had their phone, and you'd sit there and you would actually be connected to the show. But people are like, yeah, but what if I got a fucking plan later? What if I got this? What if I got a text coming in? What's that character's name?

I don't have one. You don't have a name for the character? Doug. Oh, okay. No, but that's Stan Hope. Toby. Okay, Toby. This is Toby. what if i got a call coming in yeah hey i gotta leave the show to answer the phone toby which of your pirates caribbean movie is your favorite oh all

of them a fucking huge johnny depp fan um one of the reasons why i did that because um because chappelle was telling me how much he enjoys it and uh Hannibal Hannibal Buress was telling me how much he enjoys using those bags too but another reason was this woman complained that um when she went to my new year show that some girl behind her made two separate phone calls and was saying happy new year to people during the show during the show she's like this stupid fucking bitch was making phone calls while the show was going on. By the way, I've been behind, in front of, next to that person. That's a crazy thing to do to me. You're at a performance, a live performance, and you're calling people and talking to them or even answering the phone and talking on the phone.

But I think if you have signs with a stern language saying you'll be. It's like peeing on the floor, bro. No, but I got to be honest with you. I really respect my audience, and I really think that that would eliminate the handful of people that would be douchey. Because I play at Largo a lot, and at Largo they make the announcement, and I have never seen anyone during my show put out their song. Largo is exceptional. That's an exceptional place. Yeah, but you can create an exceptional vibe in your audience by respecting them.

I certainly agree. It's like when I go someplace and they want to put a stamp on my hands, I just go, no, no, no, no. No. There'll be no stamps on my hands. And you know what the doorman usually says? What? Okay. Really?

Yeah. I they do not let, I don't really drink alcohol. So, but, so, but like if I go to the bar and order a drink, the guy's going to look for my stamp. Point being is, fuck all that. I got to have respect for people. What if you go to like a musical festival and they want to put a wristband on you? It's like also when you go to the bathroom and they

have the sinks. I don't mind the sinks where it senses your hand, even though it doesn't always do it. But, man, those ones where you push down and you get 10 seconds, that's so disrespectful. It's wrong. Wrong? Wrong. Really?

Wrong to mankind. You know what bothers me? What's that? When you wave your hand at a thing and it gives you a tiny little strip of paper. Yeah. A little stingy-ass piece of paper to dry your hand with. Wave it a second time. Give me a real fucking piece of paper, bitch. A little stingy ass piece of paper to dry your hand with. Yeah, you wave it a second time. Give me a real fucking piece of paper, bitch.

You know what's great? Those powerful new blow ones. No, those are no good. I dig them. There was an article that I tweeted about those things. What is it? The problem is there's like shit dust in the air from people and all the bacteria. Wait, by the way, let me ask you the premise of the shit dust thing there.

So you're saying people take a dump, wash their ass, wait. Yes. And then don't go to the sink to wash their hands. They just go straight for the dryer thing because it's fun and let's spread the shit around. The thing is, when you hit that dryer, the dust from that, the wind, it kicks up. This is science. Okay, enjoy it. The scientists.

Enjoy it. There's too much for me to think about. Too much for me to think about. Listen, man, stop. It kicks up. This is science. Okay, enjoy it. This is scientists. Enjoy it. There's too much for me to think about. Too much for me to think about. Listen, man, I did no research. I just posted an article that I read that said that those things are super unhygienic. And then somebody goes, hey, if Joe posted it, it must be true because he did his research. Could be very clickbaity, right? They could have just got you.

Yes, yeah. Some bullshit. Some bullshit. Yeah. Some guy named Bob who's a doctor. I'm telling you, there's shit in the air. That's my character of Bob who's an angry doctor. There's shit in the air.

Am I right, Toby? Shit dust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on the phone. I didn't have time. I didn't have time to wash my hands. Hand dryer, suck in fecal bacteria and blow it all over your hands. Study fine.

See? Bro. All right, there you go. Enjoy. So I will not be using that anymore. I will use the blow dryer and when i touch the thing to have the towel come down i know that that's very clean yes no no no that's not but at least it's not but there's no let's just say let's just put this way

there's no winning it's no winning you gotta take a dump in public there's no winning well there's also the issue of like becoming some OCD person who's fucking completely crazy, squirts Perel all over their body everywhere they go because they're afraid of everything they touch. And then they don't build up immunity. I have a giant issue with that. I've worked with many people who, in auditions, won't shake an actor's hand because they've got, and that's not, well. Are you friends with Howie?

Yes, I know that Howie doesn't touch. He doesn't even bang knuckles anymore. He was banging knuckles for a while. He won't even do knuckles anymore. He's gotten worse. That's his business. He's a good man. He's a very good man.

I really like that guy a lot. Yeah, I do too. But I want to hug him. I want to go, come here, motherfucker. Give me a hug. Give me a kiss right on the lips. You want to make out with him? Yeah, that's so funny. I want to go, come here, motherfucker. Give me a hug. Give me a kiss right on the lips. You want to make out with him? That's so funny.

No! I just imagined him running to the emergency room. He's such a nice man. He's a good man. He's a very good guy but I want him to get over that because I think it's insane.

It's not going to happen. Why not? You think people haven't worked with him on it? It doesn't make any sense. You have to want to change, Joe. Ooh, look at you. You sound like your own psychiatrist.

If you don't want to change, you're not going to change. That's true. And that's with addiction, with anything. If you don't want to do it, nobody... By the way, when it comes to addiction or behavior like Howie's, logic does not enter the room. You're right, yeah. You can present your logical cases to all those different types of people. Doesn't matter.

They got to want to. Yeah. Well, he goes so far as that he puts down a trail of paper towels in his hotel room so that he never has to stand on the carpet. See, I did not know this. I don't want to know this. I don't want to think about Howie in hotels. Sorry.

I want him to be happy in hotels. Well, I'm sure he's happy once he steps on that paper towel. You know what's special I loved as a kid? What? Howie from Maui. Oh, yeah. It was hilarious. He told me, I told him this the other night. he steps on that paper towel. You know what special I loved as a kid? What? Howie from Maui. Oh, yeah. It was hilarious. He told me, I told him this the other night.

He goes, that was shit. I go, no, no, I laughed really hard at that special. Well, it's because he's very funny that he's self-critical. Every funny person I've ever known thinks their sex sucks. I find the best response is just thank you. Yeah, that's a good response. Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thank you. And then if I feel that way. Look, when people come up to me and they go you're my favorite character on curb your enthusiasm what i could really do is look them in the angle really really the guy who does all the exposition larry david's not your favorite i think you're wrong by the way every blue moon when somebody says that to me i can tell that they mean, but all of them wouldn't know the difference because I say thank you to all of them. No one needs to hear that shit. People do say stupid shit that they don't really mean just because they want you to respond to them.

Yeah. They want to tell you you're the best. Well, fame is weird. Yeah. I learned that when I was at a—this is 100% true—and I had this moment where fame became clear to me. I found myself waiting at valet parking with tony danza and it wasn't like we were even looking at each other or we had an awkward moment together i really wanted to say hello and not because i'm a big tony danza fan or any reason it was just the

fame factor wanted me to talk to tony danza of course not even like hey tony i'm jeff garland right just hey t Tony Danza. Oh, you know, hey. Right. And so I thought, ah, this is fucked up. Shut up. I didn't say anything. He seems very approachable.

He seems like a very nice fella. But that is not, yeah. When I was a young man, I always wished that I was as nice as Tony Danza. Because when I used to see Tony Danza on Taxi and all those shows, I'm like, he always seems so friendly like why can't I be nice and friendly wouldn't it be weird if as you got into show business you found out he was a prick

but the truth is I've never heard I've never heard a bad thing ever said about him there was a fist fight with him at the comedy store one night oh really yeah yeah yeah long long time ago I want to say like it was before my time and I started there in 94. So someone said something stupid to him somewhere back in the day.

And Tony Danza was a professional boxer. Boxer, yeah, yeah. Like a really good boxer. He actually took a pro fight in between tapings of Taxi Driver. Of Taxi, yeah. Of Taxi, rather. When he was first season, in between first and second season, he was off for a few months. He's like, fuck, I'll have a fight.

And then he's like, what am I doing? I'm a fucking actor now. Yeah, he is. But somebody got mouthy with him. Well, you know, by the way, when you see someone like that get into a fight, you know whoever approached him really. There have been times where I felt like it's just not worth it.

Yeah. Oh, for sure. Because you lose. Well, that's the other reaction, right? You lose. I don't care if someone calls you a Nazi, a kike, any bad word. Just move along. That's the other reaction, right?

Like there's some people that would come up to you, Jeff Garland, hey, how are you? They'll be like, oh, you fucking think you're all funny because you're on Curb Your Enthusiasm? I've gotten that maybe once every two, three years. But you're really continuing the character. Which is this? Same guy? Was that Toby? No, it's not Toby.

Toby's brother is an asshole. Yeah, Jimbo. He's on meth. Jimbo's on meth. So sad. No, but I just avoid, you know, I don't get into it. You know, what you think of me is none of my business. That includes fame.

So people come up and say things. Thank you. That's the right thing to say. And then you want to say to them sometimes, and you know this one, could you move along? Because they just stay there. They just stay there. And it's really awkward. There was a dude at the comedy school who scared the hell out of me because he told me how much I meant to him.

And then he didn't leave and then he was telling me personal things about him that were not I'm not going to repeat them because I don't want to you know let him know I'm talking to him but he started telling me things like oh wow you're really a scary individual and I want I never have said the words move along but I actually moved along into an area he couldn't enter. I don't remember if it was behind the rope, you know, by the cars or in the bar, you know, something to get away. And he still tried, you know. It was scary.

Yeah, people get crazy. You know, what bothers me sometimes is you'll be in the middle of a serious conversation with someone. They're telling you something like really intimate and someone will go, hey, man, hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, but Tony's just telling me he's suicidal. I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone who's ready to jump in front of a bus and you don't give a fuck.

No, it's a big bowl of wrong. Because really, just be respectful and kind. Anyone who comes up to me as respectful and kind, I'm kind to. Anyone who comes up to me as an asshole, I'm kind to. I don't think they notice that they're being an asshole. They just don't know what to do. They are. to me as an asshole i'm kind i don't think they notice that they're being an asshole they just don't know because they are either you're an asshole you're not either you're enlightened or you're not but there's also you have a couple of drinks and you don't know what to say you just feel what's the number one rule with someone who's

who's drunk too much but telling them that they're drunk that's good too you know saying hey man you drunk yeah hey man i don't really I don't really talk to drunk people. I'm not drunk! Oh, always? It's the only go-to. Yeah. There's no other go-to in that situation. I can drive.

Yeah, I can do it, yeah. And so, because whatever it does, it really plows into your ego. Yeah. And so, I just make the quickest connection and get out. Yeah, that's a good move. Yeah. It's tricky good move. Yeah. It's tricky. But I'm appreciative.

When people come up to me, I'm appreciative. And I treat them the way if someone I dug, especially a comedian, if I told them I dug them, I'd treat the people the way. And the warmer and the more interesting the person is, the more I give them of myself. How does Larry David handle it? He's not bad. Yeah? Yeah. I'm a big fan.

Oh, thank you. You know, how about that? That's a good impression. Yeah, thanks. I've seen him go through because it was – I saw him become famous. You know, he was on Fridays. He created Seinfeld, but that still wasn't the fame that he has now. So I saw him through Curb Your Enthusiasm become truly iconic.

So he's had trouble figuring out how to – people want to take a picture. People, you know, how do I do it? And it's always changing. He's never an asshole. It's truly one of the greatest comedy shows of all time. Well, thank you. A hundred percent. And I have to say the new season we're about to film in October, the storyline may be my favorite.

And it's really subtle and fun. It's like one of those things like, oh, it's like I think people watching it will feel that they're living a fantasy. And after the first one airs, I'm happy to come back and talk about it. You know what I mean? Because that premise of where we're going is delightful. I love how HBO gives him sort of carte blanche. They're like, you know, take a couple years off. Do whatever the fuck you want.

Yeah. It's pretty great. Yeah. Well, for Larry, it's not about the money. Of course. It's about, can I do another good show? Right. And that makes us different than most shows in history.

Yeah. can I do another good show? And that makes us different than most shows in history. Yeah. And he only wants to do good work and enjoy himself. Otherwise, there's no reason. Yeah. And HBO is smart that way.

They're genius. I mean, look, think about the show Sopranos, fucking Game of Thrones. They know how to let a show just be a show from what I understand they give a lot of notes on their pilots but once you become a series they kind of leave you alone that's amazing

whereas when you're doing a network show or from other pay sources I've heard that the notes never stop and comedy is the easiest thing to ruin with notes drama can survive notes From other pay sources, I've heard that the notes never stop. Well, when I was on news radio— And comedy is the easiest thing to ruin with notes. Drama can survive notes. Comedy cannot. Because it's like the—you know, doing comedy is like, you know, the dominoes.

And if you take one of those and just move it a little to the left or the right, you're screwing up the whole thing. That's a very good point. When I was on news radio, we weren't successful. And that is when you get the notes. We were, my friend Lou Morton, who is one of the writers, he would wear a shirt every Monday after the ratings would come in with a number on it. He would take a white t-shirt and write it. And one day he came in, the number said 88.

I go, fuck, dude, really? He goes, yeah, we're 88th. I'm like, fuck. I was like, goddamn, I'm going to save money. damn that was out for three years right five five years yeah so the point being is that was an immensely successful show barely barely barely made if you stay on the air that's pretty great no no no for sure i mean it's definitely better than being canceled but the point being is that we were never a hit so we always got notes we're constantly getting notes like we need a gay neighbor we need a black guy we need a we need a this we need to

that we need a love interest we need a fucking watch that show by the way the gay neighbor and the black guy if that was the name of the show i'd be in that's probably a good name of a sitcom next to a gay neighbor and it's the problems there's a lot of sitcoms and i don't want to name names but i watch them and i know they're very very very successful and i watch them and i'm stunned i don't understand it it's like they're speaking a different language i don't get it either i don't i don't but i don't watch comedy man i think it's middle america i think there's there's something going on with tired people no you know what it is here's something going on with tired people. No, you know what it is? Here's something that I noticed. This is something that's recent, too.

That audiences now respond to what they think is supposed to be funny. Like real comedy fans dug news radio. Like people who dug comedy, I think dug news radio. People who did comedy did curb. Do we have other kind of fans too? Yes. But I find that comedy fans really do get comedy. Right.

But everybody likes to say they like comedy or they watch comedy, and they may not have any sense of humor. So I find there was a show. I'll give you an example. And this one was like this specific, and I don't care if I'm slamming it. It was the something and the girl in the apartment B or the bitch in something B. It was lead actress, very talented. But I watched the show and the rhythms were, this is what comedy is. It wasn't funny.

It didn't have a natural vibe to it. It had no reason for me to keep watching it. But it was done in a style that other shows have done since where this is how comedy is done. This is the way we spin a line or do a situation. And I don't know why, but it always involves a lot of that putting the spin on the ball, or what do you say, dancing in English. It has a lot to do with that.

Because even if you watch a lot of Nickelodeon shows or Disney shows, they tend to do that. They put the spin on it. It's never funny enough just to have... Here's the thing about comedy, TV comedy, I think for the most part you're supposed to be enthralled with the situation right situation so the situation

lucy got into a situation yes and you laughed at lucy dealing with the situation i really i bet in the entire time lucy ran on the ran on the air that there might have been 12 great jokes that she said in the situation. You're laughing on how she deals with the situation. It's a very good point. And you look at any great comedy, and that's what it is. It's Larry David dealing with a situation.

Yes. And by the way, one thing Larry and I are very proud about with Curb Your Enthusiasm, if one of us says something funny to the other one because we improvise, we laugh. So these shows you see, people say these lines written by writers and then the audience laughs if it's on stage, but yet the actors don't laugh at one another. That's wrong. Right, it doesn't make any sense.

So on a lot of levels, it's just not right. And then there are shows now that I've watched for maybe five minutes where I cannot believe how terrible they are. And yet they're successful. Hugely successful. Hugely successful. Don't get it. Yeah. When you guys do a show, you don't really have like a full script in terms of the exact. No, we have a very tight outline.

We have seven pages written. Outline. Larry has written the story. Right. And in that story, maybe a half dozen things are like, he says this or she says that. Because you have to move the story a little bit. Yes, for story purposes, not because it's a great joke. Right.

And then I play it every time differently. Unless I'm told by the director or i'm one of the producers we have a meeting of like we need to get this across this is not coming across and i'll make an adjustment right but in general i try and do it different every single take that is so crazy and how many takes we do well if it's larry and i just us he and i alone in the scene it we can we can have a scene done in less than an hour. But if there's a bunch of other people, it could be three hours. Wow.

And the idea is just like, this is what needs to take place. We have to figure out how to get across the fact that the refrigerator's broken and we're going to have to go buy ice. And who's going to buy the ice? I don't want to drive to buy the ice. Right. And then you're all just talking. It's more in-depth than that. The story is really there.

But yes, how we approach it, and sometimes that can change things. But that's one of the reasons why the show is so good, because it seems so organic when you guys are talking. It is. Well, that's what I get out of it. We don't rehearse. That's amazing, too. Zero rehearsal.

The Goldbergs, we don't even do a lot of rehearsing, but I have to stick to the script. If I want to improvise on the Goldbergs, I have to let the producers know, not to get permission, to let them know this take, I'm going to do something different. And I have to let my fellow actors know. That's interesting. Is it hard for you to adjust to go from two different styles? I don't know that it's difficult, but I find the Curb Your Enthusiasm way more enjoyable. Oh, I'm sure. But I'm really proud. The Goldbergs is the number one show on TV

that families watch together. So I'm very proud of that, and I get why people dig it. It's not my style, but when I watch it occasionally, I don't watch it very often, I get why people dig it. I'm not confused by the show. You know what I mean? Like these other shows we're talking about, I'll be confused as to why they're successful, why they're on the air. But other ones I watch, like I watch Modern Family, I get why people dig it.

It makes total sense to me. So it's much more enjoyable doing the curb thing. It's edgier and all that. But I still dig the Goldbergs. And I also dig the crew. And I dig the people I work with. And I dig the writers. So it's a very positive, wonderful experience.

And I'm lucky. I'm on one of the most popular network comedies. And I'm on the most popular alternative comedy. How did you get to be so lucky? By the way, I'm on one of the most popular network comedies, and I'm on the most popular alternative comedy. How did you get to be so lucky? By the way, I'm grateful. I keep on getting told in therapy, don't say lucky so much. Why does he tell you that? Because grateful.

Because I do have something to do with it, but not from an ego standpoint. Like, I've worked hard. I've done this. I've done that. So I'm just incredibly grateful you're lucky too i i think i'm lucky too by the way what have i told you i'm not kidding that dude has taught me so much that might be the only thing i disagree with him on yeah he doesn't know shit no lucky is good you know roger dolt roger doltry uh always said be

lucky and it's because that means no matter how great you are no matter how much you have to do No, Roger Daltrey always said, be lucky. And it's because that means no matter how great you are, no matter how much you have to do with this or that, if you look at it that you're lucky, being, by the way, being humble is a big bullet to humble. The combination of being confident and being humble, you can't beat that. But being aware that, you know, you could be born in Ethiopia. You could have been born in the middle of nowhere. Yeah.

Could have been fucked. I'm not big on ego. Ego screws me. And by the way, I was ignorant enough at one time to think I could eliminate my ego. You can't. You just got to recognize it when it pops up. Recognize it and keep it under control. Well, just say, hey, man, don't need you.

Thank you. You know, sometimes I get asked to do something. And as I'm thinking about it, well, am I saying yes to this out of an ego move? I've definitely done that before. Yeah. I think that's one of the main reasons why I exercise so much is to try to keep my body in balance. Not in terms of the way it looks, but so it doesn't get in the way. By the way, if your body's in balance, then that helps your mind. Oh, yeah. mind oh yeah that helps your soul oh for sure not it's not a vanity thing man no that's

but it is too i definitely like looking good well but it's also but that i think that's more of a uh respecting yourself that's that's a self-respect thing to me there's definitely that but i think um how do you actually dig it which is weird why is it weird because that's not something that self-respecting to me. There's definitely that. But I think having your body is not- You actually dig it, which is weird. Why is it weird? Because that's not something that people, most people generally love. They hate going to the gym, but they go. You feel at your best when you're exercising. That is amazing. That is awesome. I wish I could have that for a week. Just let me borrow it for a week. I'd always rather nap than do anything. I don't mind napping. I'd rather do stand-up.

I like over-napping. Sex over-napping. Sometimes eating. Not as much anymore. It's not a big thing for me anymore. So I'd say sex and stand-up and spending time with my boys. That takes precedence over it. My boys are 18 and 22. I'm madly in love

with them. And so that takes precedence. I'd rather be with them than nap. By the way, when they were little, taking a nap with them, I was in heaven. Because I knew they were good and they'd be laying against me. Good night, nurse.

Yeah, that's the pleasure of having children. I don't know, like having these people that you love more than you could ever have imagined loving someone. By the way, that's the thing. When someone's having a kid, they're about to have a kid, whether it's a woman or a man, I don't say to them,

oh, you know, because you can't explain it. It's truly a thing that you can't explain. And you only sound like an idiot when you try going, well, here's what it is. No, you can't tell me. It's going to be unique to me. And it's so much bigger than I ever could have imagined. It's a different thing than you could ever imagine. Like you become a different person too.

There's an actual switch that seems to go off and a change of course. Wait, let me just say something. Because you know people and I know people where for whatever reason that switch doesn't go off and they still stay the most important person in their own lives. That's weird. It's weird and it throws me and that's somebody I do not want to be friends with. No, it's a people that are bad parents that don't like their kids. It's a very unfortunate thing. It's a big bowl of wrong.

It's such a, it's so sad. It's painful. I think there's certain, I mean, there, I, there has to be levels of sociopaths, right? There's levels. I think there is. I mean, that's just me. I don't know anything about that topic, but you see people, people with sociopaths, right? There's levels of it. I think there is. I mean, that's just me. I don't know anything about that topic. There must be.

You see people with sociopathic behavior, and you just go, oh, okay. Well, it's also the business that we're in, too. It draws them. Well, for sure. I used to do a joke about it, that the problem with actors is that they have this big hole in their soul

that they need to fill up with other people's attention. And I would say, not me. I'm different. That's why I'm up here with a microphone. Right. Well, by the way, comedians are completely different for the most part than actors. Well, you get checked all the time. By the way, you also know that to be a great actor, you can be dumb as a rock.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And crazy. It's the only art form. Excuse me. I had a little hiccup something. Something happened. It's the only art form. Excuse me. I had a little hiccup something. Something happened. It's the only art form.

And I know plenty of really intelligent actors, but I know some that are so talented. And if I could never have a conversation with them, I'd be thrilled. Oh, it'd be amazing. Because they're just so dumb. Yeah. But when the time comes and they said they can become that person, they can fall into that role and there's something wrong wrong with them what they could do like Wayne Fetterman has a bit about it you know bless you for just mentioning Wayne

Fetterman I love him so much I did a pilot with him way way back in the day yeah he's just a good guy he's so funny he's a rock man but and I've known him since I'm 20 years old I met when I first started doing comedy we're from I'm from Chicago but I started comedy I'd moved to Florida with my family South Florida and we're from the same little town in Florida called Plantation Florida outside of Fort Lauderdale we did

a pilot together 20 years ago 1998 I think it was I think that was his last he might be right but I love him so much he had a bit that he was doing on stage once about actors and uh i grabbed him off stage i go dude you put it you said it like the way you said it you said it the right because like also he's free right because you know he's he doesn't have notoriety he's not worried about running into these people that he talks shit about on stage so he can be free. And he was like, it's not normal to be able to cry on cue.

He's like, yeah, you can cry on cue. Yeah, because you're fucking broken. There's something wrong with you. By the way, that's another change in the world of stand-up. The number of people who, and this started from the comedy boom, when people were getting sitcoms. Actors saw this, and they went, oh, if I do

stand-up, I'll be discovered. And so that's brought a lot of people that aren't truly comedians to comedy. Which, and I can spot them. There was a dude. You can spot him. Oh my can spot them. There was a dude. You can spot him.

Oh my God, yes. There was a dude at the Laugh Factory who was actually funny and he was actually good. And he said, if I don't have a sitcom, I'm quitting

by next year. And he didn't and he quit. Wow. I don't remember his name. Otherwise, I'd tell you off there. I'll talk to you about it.

That's unfortunate. No, so, but the point being is, is that if you're really a comedian, it is so part of your DNA. It is so part of who, you know, it's like, it's not who I am. No comedians. It's part of who we are on a deep, deep level, the passion and caring that comedians truly have for comedy. And that's why I look at other comedians as my brothers and sisters. So if you're dealing with ego, if you're dealing with, you're an actor, you're trying to get famous. If you're dealing with the competition, I got no part of you. When you look at me and you go, Jeff Garlin has no choice,

but to be a comedian then you're thinking on the same wavelength as me because I have no choice I have to be a comedian yeah some people get very very resentful of those actors like well I don't get resentful of them and I there's plenty of room and I remember some famous actors trying stand up you know and nothing wrong with trying in the 80s like I, like, I remember, what's her name? She was, Shawn Young? Is that her name? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she was coming into the improv. And I remember. She was doing stand-up? But hers was full of shit. So I was like, I was the only one there who didn't help her. Everyone bent over backwards. But she wasn't sincere, and she did it for five minutes. But they liked being around a famous woman who's beautiful.

Yeah. You know, but the point being is that- People forgot about her. Anyone can do whatever they want, but do me a favor. If you're going down that path, don't screw me with your negative shit. She's an interesting case. I read a whole article about her and fame and her struggles with it, and people forget she was in

the original blade runner she was a phenomenal actress and so beautiful stunning stunning but so good too i mean just so able to absorb the role probably was a very intelligent woman and there were flaws in her life and flaws in being an actress and by the way, being in the public eye is not, especially now with social media, is the opposite of a walk in the park. I am not entitled to any privacy. I am not entitled to any alone moments when I'm walking in a park. I'm not. And that saves me to look at it that way, that I'm not entitled to it.

Because if I want to be alone, I'm going to stay in my living room. Right. I'm going to sit in my backyard and look up at the trees and the breeze. Man, I can't see the breeze, but I can feel the breeze. But the point being is the world of any privacy for you in the public eye, gone. And you know, when I'm at like a restaurant or the airport and the TMZ, people come with their microphones, I don't say a word. Why help them sell that crap? And then they turn off the mic, and they know this at this point now.

And I'm very friendly. How are you guys doing? What's going on? And I know some of them. But I don't have the right to walk through the airport without them in my face. That's part of the thing. The only thing that you ever get out of those is you say something stupid and people get mad at you.

Right. Like Anthony Bourdain. The only thing you get out of that is saying something stupid and people get mad at you. There's no winning. There's no time where you're going to say something to TMZ and people are going to watch it and go, that was so damn insightful. Well, it's possible.

It's certainly possible you can, but a lot of times it's out of the spot. That is Baron Von Longshot. That is such a long shot. It is a long shot. Specifically TMZ. Yeah, Bourdain got a shitload of death threats when he was at the airport and they said, if you were going to cook dinner for Trump and Kim Jong-un, what would you serve? And he said, hemlock.

You know, just a joke. He's a funny guy. He said something funny. No, but see, that's the thing. There's no winning. Yeah, there's no winning. Because, by the way, he could say that at a dinner party. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And if someone's offended, then they're a tool. Right. By the way, he could say that in a room full of 11 Republicans. Yes. And they will laugh. Yeah, but you're opening yourself

but when you say the whole world that's right so i don't say anything you know you can ask me comments about things that go on in the world and i know i'll have an answer that will not get me in trouble that's the case today with comedy right it's like you're opening yourself up to the world you're not just opening yourself up but i never when i went on stage was ever in fear of going down a path where i would say something that was wildly inappropriate not while not inappropriate from the standpoint of taking a risk but just because my sense of humor doesn't go the way to use certain words like Like, I don't use that word. Right.

Not because I'm scared of anything. But so people who do that and do that, it's like- Like Michael Richards. Michael Richards. Yeah. That's the worst example. By the way, you know when he walked off stage, and I think it might have been Tom Papa who was standing in the corner, he went up to him and went, ah, weird crowd.

Having no idea that his life was over as he knew it. Because, by the way, I remember being furious because certain people that came down to them on the news, like the next day or two, were people who I had heard say worse things in their stand-up.

And they were talking shit? They were talking stuff. It's like when someone's swimming in a river of shit, you don't throw shit on them. I agree. Let them swim in their shit. Have a good time. You chose to get in the shit pool, you know, but I'm not going to throw shit in there. It's loaded with shit. That's how I felt with Roseanne, you know, when this Roseanne thing went down.

By the way, do you need to say anything else except she really needs some sort of help and support? Yes. Not like, oh, she's a Nazi or she's a horrible person. No, no, no. She needs help. And that's the whole thing. Why do I need this? When Harvey Weinstein or any of these fuckers come out, I don't have a Twitter account because I also know, just like TMZ, how long till I say something that pisses somebody off.

But there are people, and I'm not saying their names, I don't want to get into a thing, who will come out and go, gentlemen, that's not the way to behave. Or, you know what I mean? Like, really, do I need to say rape is bad? Do I need to say calling a successful, accomplished black woman something bad is bad? No. You don't need my comment. All these people on Twitter think their comment's necessary.

Oh, I need to add into this. I need to be part of this dialogue. No. Well, it's virtue signaling. It's letting everybody know that I'm on the right side of this. I'm on the right side. It's a bunch of crap. I want people to assume that I'm making the right side of this. I'm on the right side. It's a bunch of crap. I want people to assume that I'm making the right choice.

I want people to assume, because they're not going to hear what my choice is. There was a guy who was a journalist who was angry, and he was saying that the lack of blowback from other comedians about Louis C.K., that they weren't screaming at how horrible this is, speaks volumes. What speaks volumes? You don't know what you're talking about. That's what speaks volumes about this dude. He doesn't know what he's talking about. By the way, should anyone disrespect a woman? To my knowledge, never.

Should anyone be sexually forward in a room in an inappropriate way? No. Do I need to say that? Do I need to come out and say this is wrong? No! I'm telling you this and say this is wrong? No. But I'm telling you this is within five days of the thing. I know. Five days of it coming out of him admitting that he did it.

The whole thing was crazy. This guy was accusing all these other comedians of being pieces of shit because they are not. Wrong. They're not adamantly. You don't need my opinion of something. Condemnation. wrong they're not you don't need you don't need my opinion condemnation of something if someone's swimming in a river of shit i do not need to throw shit in that river it's like what are your requirements as a person when something happens if there's a mass shooting do i need to stand up

and say that that was a bad thing right no no it's obvious that was a bad thing i don't know why do i need to comment on everything that happens i need to comment and if that's the case is there an action i can do to help right or is it just commenting which does nothing nothing nothing oh really you're letting us know that's what i'm saying these certain individuals and i'm thinking of two in particular who i know and like both of them no three of them three of them actually one i don't know as well. No, but I'll tell you afterwards. Always in these situations, say the obvious. Like, who wouldn't believe that? And I get furious. Especially one of them's a great old friend of mine, and it's just a comment every time, and it's like... Yeah, I have a friend that does the same thing, who's an accomplished stand-up. And it's always – how do I word this without giving this guy away? It's always about anything that has anything to do with women.

Like he's always standing up for women. But meanwhile, I know this guy lives in hell. I know he lives in hell. Like his marriage is shit. He like literally hides. Like he's in hell. He's in hell. His wife's a monster.

It's amazing though. By the way,. His wife's a monster. It's amazing, though. By the way, isn't it amazing, though? It is. It's just like almost like he's hoping when the divorce comes down the line, which is definitely going to come, at least he'll have established himself as a really good guy. I will have irreverent conversations with my friends, drinking coffee, hanging out. Sometimes I even talk too loud in a coffee shop. he's talking shit you're having fun but but i will i'm not by the way here's another one you know the worst possible things you could ever hear

comedians at a funeral especially the comedian dies what comedians are saying to one another it is stuff that would be unforgiven. Unforgiven, but it's just the way we deal with grief in those situations. Well, it's also the inappropriate thing at that time is very funny to someone like you or I. Very, very funny. I was sitting right next to Dave Foley, and we went to the Emmys, and Phil Hartman had just been murdered, and he was nominated for an Emmy, and he lost to this guy from Frasier. And Dave looks over at me and he goes,

what the fuck does a guy have to do to win? That's great. And we're like crying, sad, we're drinking, and we're just so bummed out at his death. And then Dave says that. And he says it with like a total straight face, what the fuck does a guy have to do to win? And I'm like, ah!

That's really funny. It was in the moment. But we say the most inappropriate things in tragic moments to make each other laugh to make yours laugh but i'm not going to say them on my twitter no i'm not going to say them to other people by the way anytime i have ever tried something sort of inside with someone not on the inside in terms of comedy, it has been a disaster every time. I'm telling you, I've done it even privately, like at a party or something.

Or worse, what about with your kids, friends, parents? By the way, the biggest fights with my wife, I look back over the years, are when we either went to the principal, we went to have the meeting, we went to the open house. Something I said. I never left there unscathed. The only one that she couldn't get that mad at me for was I convinced our tour of a school that the building was haunted. That was the only time where she went,

that was kind of funny, but you freaked everybody out, including the school officials, so. Yeah, inappropriate. You're inappropriate, Jeff Garlin. I am a big ball of inappropriate. You have to be. But it's sort of how we get through life.

We, meaning comedians. And the thing is, we're wired alike. We are, we share wired alike. We are. We share. I'm not going to say DNA. Yes. But we share something. We're a brotherhood and sisterhood.

We're together. So I remember coming off stage. This is like a classic one. Coming off stage at Caroline's doing a benefit. And they're not coming off stage. Waiting to go on stage. Colin's on stage. Colin Quinn.

And he's fucking eating it. And I'm thinking this crowd sucks. Fuck them. But I'm going to go do my best. Colin's on stage, Colin Quinn, and he's fucking eating it. And I'm thinking this crowd sucks. Fuck them. But I'm going to go do my best. It's a benefit. Some guy comes up to me and he says, I can't wait till you go up. I go, thanks. He goes, this guy, I can't. I go, just know you're talking about my brother. My brother is standing up there doing that. You're not complimenting me if you're fucking with my brother. That's what I told him because it's the truth. We are together.

We experienced something, but that's what I'm saying. There's a uniqueness and a specialness and not everybody is part of that. Everybody is an actor trying not, I mean, a lot of people are actors. A lot of people are in it because their ego, their singing voice maybe wasn't good enough. Like I'm just saying, it's like, and and by the way the people that i have problems with

almost never are true comedians yeah to where it's the brother you know like like we're really when we're together you know it's almost never it's always ego people and it's always people that are doing it for the wrong reasons and by the way it's not me sitting in judgment it's always ego people and it's always people that are doing it for the wrong reasons and by the way it's not me sitting in judgment it's me getting what they give me and by the way i don't have conflicts with them i let them you know that's something i learned a long time ago that's ego to put my shit on them right right but i drive home feeling sad yeah so i avoid doing i've learned to not have conflicts took took a while before when i would disagree with something i'd be like fuck you but that fuck you doesn't get anywhere it's like the same thing as like when something happens and you complain

about it on twitter but you're not changing let's talk about change did you read about that girl from sweden it's from sweden maybe who got on the airplane with the guy who was being sent to Afghanistan. I did read that this morning. I have never been more... The guy was being deported and she wouldn't sit down. She knew when he gets back, he's going to die. He's going to be murdered, this guy. That was her attitude. What is this stuff? Because I only read

the headline of it. I didn't read the whole story. So she's on the plane, specifically bought a ticket knowing that he's being deported. So she did it on purpose. She's an activist. She's an activist. But I don't know what she's done in the past. All I know is she refused to sit down.

And at a certain point, there was a soccer team on the flight, stood up with her. There were other people who said, we back you. But there were also a lot of pieces of shit. Sit down. You're making us late. Someone's going to die. And look at her putting herself on the line. And then she was a she and the guy who was being deported were finally escorted off the plane.

Because she did her research. And her research told her that the captain can have them both taken off the plane and take off anytime he wants. So the story was that he was being deported because of ICE? Is that what it was? See, I only read the one story. See if you can find it, Jamie. But they were deporting him, and then he was going to get sent back to Afghanistan where he was going to be killed.

Yes. We live in a weird time when it comes to this. We live in a weird time. There was a story I was reading about some woman who was devastated because her daughter-in-law was being deported and she was a Trump supporter and her daughter-in-law has been in

the United States her whole life and being deported and couldn't believe it. Came over here as an infant, that kind of thing. When you're an illegal alien, no one gives a fuck if you've been here for 30 years, you've only been alive for 32. They don't get it. You get sent back.

And that's a disgrace. It really is a disgrace. No, it's a horrible thing. People are like, well, why don't you fucking try to get your citizenship? But seeing this young girl, young girl, believing so strongly that she bought a ticket, got on the plane, and then wouldn't sit down. But what happens now, though? What if the guy still gets sent back and he still gets killed? But she still—

She did something. She did something. And maybe he won't. Yeah. You don't know. But that's more than just her putting on her Twitter account. This is not right, people being deported. This is someone actually doing something.

Yeah, it's hard to do. Doing something that doesn't injure somebody else. And it inconveniences people, but nothing more than that. What if you had a layover, though? You had a big gig. What if I had a layover? Yeah, it was a huge gig. I'm on her side.

Oh, come on, man. I know that from the get-go. What if you had a sold-out crowd? No, I don't care. Filming a Netflix special are you going to film a special? I am next spring after I'm done with the Goldbergs and Curb

I'm going to do a Netflix special so a year from now essentially somewhere in the range summer so when you do that will you change your approach will you have an outline like you do on Curb and like roughly know what you're going to talk about? I have stories and things I've been telling on stage that have been coming out of me.

So I will tell all those, but I'm doing three different locations here in L.A. and three different shows. So you're going to film it here? I'm filming it here. Three shows. I'm're going to film it here? I'm filming it here, three shows. I'm not doing a big theater. I mean, I've played big theaters, but that doesn't help me for a special. That's just the typical come out to the big applause,

do my shtick, good night, everybody. Right, right. No, I'm going to actually, Tom, Papa's going to actually direct this. Oh, beautiful. It was his idea. He's going to follow me around during the day and then how my day comes into my show that night. Beautiful.

Yeah. I love it. But I'll have some prepared. But between three shows, I should get enough. And, you know, hopefully it'll be an interesting thing. That's what I aspire to do. Make something worthwhile and interesting as opposed to filling my ego. I don't care. Can we do this again sometime? My friend, I am honored. It's too long in coming.

And I'm thrilled to have been here. People ask me, I'm like, you know, I don't really know Joe. I go, but the first chance I get, which was the other night when I saw you, where it was like, oh, hey, can I do the thing I really want to? And you're like, yeah, sure. You know, it was so simple. But people have said to me all the time, go on the show. And I'm like, yeah, I will, you know. But being busy like yourself, it's not like that opportune or I have a list. Call Joe, you know.

Right. We did it. We did. It worked. And I will again anytime you want. Let's do it. Yes. It worked.

It was an honor. This was great. I had a ball. I enjoyed it. Yeah, thank you, man. Jeff I will again anytime you want. Let's do it. Yes. It worked. It was an honor. This was great. I had a ball. I enjoyed it. Yeah, thank you, man. Jeff Garland, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, brother. Thank you.