The Joe Rogan Experience - #1160 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 23, 2018

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. His new special "Secret Time" premieres on August 24 only on Netflix.

Fuck yes. Dude, I love the video that Tommy made. Oh, Tommy's... The fucking animation. You gotta go check out Tommy's animation. That motherfucker. Where is it at now? Where can you get it?

We're live? We're live. We're live. Where can you get that animation? On Todd Guarantee on Tom's Instagram. Is it available? Dude, he paid for that. I know he did.

He paid for that. It's amazing. He showed it to me last night at the Ice House. It's fucking amazing. Whoever did that is for that. It's amazing. He showed it to me last night at the Ice House. It's fucking amazing. So whoever did that is really talented. It's very funny stuff. His fans are the most creative fans ever. Dude, he's got fans in Indonesia who teach English to children, and all they do is teach

them how to say bird is fat. And jeans. And jeans. Say jeans. Jeans. High and tight. And jeans. Say jeans. Jeans. High and tight. Oh, so strange. He's got a really weird niche.

Like him and his wife together on that podcast. It's a weird, like silly show. We should, the six of us should go out to eat one night because watching the two of them interact is there. It's just inside jokes between the two of them. Always. And it's so much fun to be. They really are one of the funnest couples that i've ever befriended in my life

it's weird that it works so good it's like every comedian couple when they're two comedians you're like how long it's like a bomb like you're just standing next to like i gotta get out of here before this thing blows yeah but with them it's like it just works. It's so funny, too, because he's known me probably 15 years. And the other day we're hanging out. This is just me and him bullshitting. He goes, he's got two kids. Their house, you can tell they have two brand new kids. Ellis is running around like a lunatic with a balloon running into walls.

That kid's a wrecking ball. The other one's an infant. And he looks at me and goes, I can't believe you did this with no money. I just had kids like fuck it it'll work out wow yeah that's true right how old were you when you first started having kids 32 i think my daughter's 14 um and how long into comedy were you then oh like i started at 26 so eight years wow maybe yeah eight years probably years. Someone could do the math better than me. Yeah, so it's six years, and that is not a good time as a comedian.

Six years in is rough. I was featuring. Georgia was born on a Tuesday, and we induced labor so that I could go feature for Dave Attell on Thursday. Oh, my God. And I was so excited to work with David Tell. I was almost as excited to work with David Tell as to have a kid. Where were you working? Miami.

I worked that stretch. That was a terrible place to work. Yeah, no shit. Dude, I was just in Miami. I was in Miami a few months ago, and I did that cell phone bag thing because I did it before I filmed my Netflix special. Yeah. I did it for a while where they'd have to put their phones in the bag,

and then I stopped doing it. It's complicated. It's annoying. Especially when you're doing two shows. It's a giant space in between shows. But never have I seen a crowd. Because to use your phone, you've got to get out of the arena and then come back.

Everybody was just constantly going out. They were constantly getting up. I mean, it was like I was doing stand-up, not in front of people sitting down, but in front of people in a constant state of moving, sitting down, and getting up. That's fucking insane. They were just constantly moving. Like, no place I've ever been. They have zero attention span.

I've always said if you want to starve to death open up a bookstore in miami these motherfuckers they just do coke and fuck each other and party not everybody i know i'm generalizing if you're like bro i read billy corbin loves fucking miami so bro i so i started headlining miami is one of the first clubs that let me headline because I had handled the room. Of course, they just like take a white guy, anyone. Dude, I had the most crazy experiences I've ever had there. One night, it's me and two other comics. I'm headlining, right?

It's Sunday night. And I say to the manager, I said, it seems pretty rowdy. Are they heckling her? And then he's like, yeah, it's pretty bad. There's gangbangers in the front row I was like can we escort them out maybe and he goes I think they have weapons I'm not comfortable with that I was like so what are we gonna do

and he's like I don't know tried lightly I guess feature act goes up this is a 100% swear on my children true story feature act goes up they destroy him he comes back thinning hair matted sweaty to his head and he's like it's not good So I go out and I do an old day of a tell trick

It's it's I mean it's a comedy trick But I watched Dave do it where he would ask the audience a question that he had the joke for so he'd ask them to set Up hey, what's the best way to please your wife? You know and then he had the joke What's the best way to give a world sex to your chick and And the guy's like, and then the guy would tell his joke. And then obviously you have the better jokes. You wrote it. You're like, oh, no, what you do is you put your lips around her entirely and go, oh.

And so I do that with these gangbangers for like 40, 35 minutes. And it's killing. The whole crowd's like, finally, we're all having fun. I look off to the left. And all of a sudden, one of them, a darker guy named Ray, gets up on stage. And he's like, yeah, on stage. There's no stopping this. With you.

With me. He's like, there's a real motherfucker right here. There's a real motherfucker. You know what real motherfucker's getting the 305? Pulls his pants down and shows his dick. And it is massive. Massive and dark. And everyone's silent.

And I'm like, okay, Ray, thank you very much. He's like, show your shit,. And I'm like, okay, Ray. Thank you very much. He's like, show your shit, son. I'm like, not now. Show your shit, son. Show your shit, son. I was like, not going to happen now. Not going to happen now.

I go, you know, you might want to leave. I'm sure they're calling the cops. And he's like, go looking out. And he leaves, right? So, I'm like, I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say. I'm to say i'm like oh i'm like how do i follow that all of a sudden lighter skin dude face tattoo dreadlock stands up real slow and i'm like oh my god please save another dick gets on stage and just goes there's a real motherfucker you know

what real motherfuckers get in the 405 305 pulls his pants down and he has an equally almost like lighter two-tone dick like a purple ring around the like, and the place is going bananas. They're like, oh my god! Oh my god! I go, listen brother. They're definitely called the cops now. You definitely want to go catch up with Ray and get a ride home. Thank you so much for the

you know, and he's like, good looking out, good looking out. He gets off stage, right? Joe, I swear on my children's lives. I swear on my children's lives. I believe you, man. I worked there.

They're with a hairless albino. Girl or guy? Guy. And I go, so funny, man. The only dick I ever wanted to see was yours. And the audience is quiet. He slowly stands up. And everyone's like, no, please don't have me.

And gets on stage. Drops his pants and it is huge no hair it looks like a lighthouse just i just dropped the mic i go that's my show and i just walk off stage nice it was the that that club was fucking insane insane insane you know what happened they started giving out free tickets yeah and it just went off the charts like no one was paying and it was all just like young kids. And I remember I had a joke once where I said something about, I think, Oscar de la Hoya. It was like a joke about boxing, about like, you know, taking a left hook from Oscar de la Hoya.

And someone yells out, fuck him, fucking Fernando Vargas. And then someone goes, fuck him, Julio Cesar Chavez. And they just start fucking debating about what. I'm like, guys, this is a joke. It has nothing to do with boxing even. What the fuck? But it turned into this gigantic argument over which Latino boxer is better. Oh.

Craziness. I've never been to a club that was more out of control. And I saw it get out of control. Because when I first started working there, it was fine. Yeah. It was fine. And then somewhere along the line, it just went to chaos. They started doing just rowdier and rowdier acts.

They're getting more and more young kids. And then sometimes you would go there and the whole audience would be like 18. Oh, yeah. And not everyone spoke English. That was another real problem in that club. Dude, you never saw anybody kill. Like, you see Diaz do Spanglish in front of those fucking people. Oh, my.

Because he came up in that club. Well, he was always there. I think him and Ricky Cruz, all those guys had all worked that club and just were, I bet, Joey. Murder. I worked with Joey there a ton of times. But Joey and I, we knew how to work together. It worked. And from doing

the Comedy Storm so much, I'm just used to chaos. You get used to chaos. I like chaos. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun sometimes. As long as you're not filming a special. If it's just a show, it's just a show and it's chaos, it's fun. That was my first taping in Philly. Oh, my God.

Philly's a wild-ass place, too, in a different way. I called Tommy. He goes, that's why we taped two, brother. Have good luck on the next one. Yeah. Yeah. I tape four now. I do four now.

Dude, that is genius. It's a way to do it. I really should do six. Chappelle did nine. Just the way to go. It seems like it's not, but the thing is, like, you want to make it the most like a regular show. But the ironic thing is most of what I use, I use from the first show because I'm so loose because I know I have four shows. It's like it's different.

I know I have four shows. It's like, it's different. It's, it's, it's when you're, when you're filming one show, like I always remember seeing Bill Hicks Relentless, which is the one he did in, in the UK. It's a big theater in the UK and it's like a giant production. He comes out to like a Jimi Hendrix song and there's fire behind him and all this shit. And you could feel the tension. Like he's got tension because he's got one shot at this. And he did a great job, but it was stiff.

It's just stiff. And like I was dating this girl at the time. She's very smart. And I watched it with her and she's like, he's interesting, but this is not funny. And the way she said that, I was like, wow. To me, I was a giant Bill Hicks fan. I was hurt.

I wanted to argue with her, but I was like, I can't argue with her because she's kind of right. I didn't laugh. I was such a fan that watching him was important to me. I wanted to watch it because I felt like he was a very important figure in comedy, even though Ari Shaffir shits on him relentlessly But I was when I was watching him He's an animal but when I was watching him I was thinking she's right

It's not really making me laugh at all. Yeah, but I know the materials well thought out and it's very good But um, it's just that I recognized it's like that one show thing you it. It's like that one show thing. You're filming one show. You got one shot at it. See, I think because I come from a, like a baseball sports background, I like having pressure on me.

I love that feeling of you got one shot. So in Philly we did two and the first one, it rained, the generator went out and we had to hold the audience in the rain for an hour and a half. Oh Jesus. They lost their buzz, right? They're soaking wet.

They finally come into the show. They're in the show. They're trying to catch a buzz again, and it was a bad show. Like, legit, I didn't even do well. Like, I remember telling my buddy Tony, who produced it, I go, oh, I've had bad shows where, like, when you're moving, you accidentally stand on the mic, and you go to move, and then the mic moves away from your mouth and I did it I fucking did it

you willed it into existence I told my wife who was there I go if I flub a word like just write it down so I can pick it up clean in the second one she walked into the green room all my agents all my managers producers with a notepad and goes I don't even know where to start so I get so I go I got one more shot.

I got one shot. And in my head, I have that high school Bert Kreischer, like, you said you like pressure. Let's go, motherfucker. You got one show. I'm getting chills talking about it, going, let's go. You're not fucking up one word. You're having the show of your fucking life. My buddy Tony Hernandez, who produced it, comes over and he goes, let's get a coffee.

Back in high school, he'd have been like, bum a coke. But he's like, let's get a coffee and back in high school he'd been like bum a coke but he's like let's get a coffee we're grown-ups had a coffee went on and Joe I swear to God on the best show of my life the best show of my life to the point where I was like I even I fucked around a little bit on stage and I just kept it in the special I was like and I think if i did nine they'd be sloppy if i do two and i go fuck i got one shot i gotta i gotta get this tonight i see what you're saying i feel like you really go this is important to me i mean i'd love to do four i think yeah i think you do as many as you want honestly you know it's just a matter of like that that pressure of that second show if the first show i I think that's what,

I mean, I was talking about this with Chuck Palahniuk yesterday. Did I say his name right? Yeah, for sure. Palahniuk. Palahniuk. Palahniuk.

Palahniuk. Like terrible moments on stage. I think like the best thing ever for your act, like eating shit, eating shit's the best thing ever for your act. Cause then you, you recover from that. And you're like're like oh i don't want to feel that again ever that's a bad feeling too it's the worst and you you bounce back you you figure out how to how to tighten everything up you figure out how to just even a bad moment a joke that doesn't work you

know like but jokes that don't work i've got some new stuff man that is just not that good i've got some new stuff that's just just not that good i've got some new stuff that's just like it's it's it's in its infant stage where it's just like wobbling around every now and then i'll catch it i'll catch it perfect and and it's like because i've only been doing some of them for like two or three shows you know so they're like wobbly that i don't know where i'm going with them and i'm trying to figure it out on stage and fuck around with them that's like the whole purpose of doing all these shows. In town, especially. But those haunt you in the ride home.

You're like... That's why I'm grateful I work at the store. Oh, yeah. Right before I did my special, my closing bit I do on the special, the closing bit, I sat with you for a fucking hour in the back room because I took it up in the main room following like D'Elia and I just said, here we go. And I, man, that club can really let you know where the silence is. Yeah.

And you go, all right. And then you're like, oh, I've been lazy. I've been performing to fans who will give you the benefit of the doubt. Who love you. Yeah. Yeah. And they want you to succeed. But when you do a Netflix special, you need it to be to put strangers need to like it.

That's the old Louis quote that I used to hang my hat on. They were like, why don't you work at UCB? And he goes, anyone can make them laugh. He was like, I'm famous. If I go in, that's like making your friends laugh. That's why I do the road. The art form is to make strangers laugh. And I was like, yeah, it is to make strangers laugh. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, it is to make strangers laugh.

Yeah. Well, it's also you don't want a delusional perspective. And one thing that does happen to some – like Stanhope lives by it. Like he's like, why would I go and do someone else's audience? He goes, it took me 25 years to make my own audience. I'm like, okay. I get it. Yeah.

But I really feel like to develop material to really do it right you got to do it in front of just regular people people that aren't necessarily there to see you and the beautiful thing about the store is if there's 15 people in the lineup or 20 people in the lineup whatever it is how many are there to see you 10 30 20 like you know maybe they're there to see you and delia andlia and also, you know, Tom and also Christina. Like, they're just comedy fans. They're not Burt Kreischer fans. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's giant. That's giant. Because those guys that, like, develop, like, that – I've seen a few people that develop an audience and that's all their audience. And they just get real complacent, real lazy. That's the – I mean, I say lightly because there's some internet comics, meaning like YouTube people that do comedy now. And some are good. Some are good and some are developing.

I don't know. I was just saying that to be polite. But that one guy got booed offstage in Montreal because he's been performing to fans. Oh, well, here's the other thing about that guy. That guy goes up on a show where there's all these other comedians on, and then at the end of his set says that comedy shouldn't be about preaching. It should be about making people laugh, right? It shouldn't be about ethics or morals or values.

Sexuality or race. Sexuality or race. Or sexuality or race. It should be about making people laugh. People pay to forget about that stuff. Bitch, you are on stage not making people laugh. That is what you're doing. Yeah. You silly fuck.

It is one of the silliest things I've ever seen in my life. It's like this is – and he's essentially a beginning comic. Open mic, he's maybe been doing stand-up three years. So he does like videos, and the videos are very popular. And they're funny. Yeah. If you're from the South, they're really funny. Just, unless someone's doing your shit, unless they're stealing or stealing from somebody else,

just do your fucking act. Unless something happened before you that's so egregious and ridiculous that you feel like you have to address it when you go on stage because it's just sitting in the room and to just try to do. Ever notice when you pick up your phone, if you just try to do that and everybody's like, what the fuck? You're not going to address what just happened? Sometimes you have to address what just happened. Sometimes someone will go on before you and just eat so much shit that you have to say something. You have to say something. You have to. Yeah. Like sometimes someone will go on before you and just eat so much shit that you have to

say something. You have to say something. Yeah. You have to. Yeah. But what that guy did was ridiculous. To tell someone what comedy is and what isn't, I'd said, I had read an article about that this, I'm assuming she's a gay woman, wrote about like trashing Hannah Gadsby and going,

hey, we're gay and we're doing standup comedy. We're not, we're not just preaching. We're doing standup comedy, talking about our trauma and it's working. You just don't see us. So don't write us off and say comedy's dead because you don't see us. I don't think Hannah Gadsby saying comedy's dead. I think journalists are saying comedy's dead and I think we're all buying into it because

these people were writing these articles. They're not even in comedy. They're just comedy fans or fans of her. And what I think she did, and I've only seen part of it. I saw the whole thing. I'll tell you right now. She has one joke I like a lot. Whatever she did is fine.

Here's the thing. It's her artwork. This is what she's doing. It's fine. Like it's, it's, if people enjoy it, that's great. But the problem with comedy is that comedy is one category. It's fine. Like it's it's if people enjoy it, that's great. But the problem with comedy is that comedy is one category It's just comedy but comedy could be Cat Stevens. It could be Guns N' Roses It could be the Ghetto Boys. You know I'm saying? Yeah, it's like when you go to see music. There's very distinct genres There's no there's just comedy comedy is just comedy

There's no, there's just comedy. Comedy is just comedy. Like you could go see a folk singer and what they're doing on stage, like really slow and quiet is music. But then you go to see fucking Led Zeppelin and you go, okay, well that's music too. How the fuck is that music too? You know, how, how is Motley Crue the same kind of thing as Cat Power? How is that? How are they, how are they the same?

kind of thing as cat power. How is that? How are they the same? Well, they are both music. Just like we do comedy, and she's doing a version of comedy. Some of it is really funny, and some of it is her just talking about stuff in a very serious way. That's fine. Yeah.

We're not against each other. This is what's crazy. Everybody's like, this is deconstructing comedy, and comedy's dead now. What are you talking about? That's crazy. Well. No she's doing what she's doing if you enjoy it, and that's what you want to see more of go see that Yeah, that's what she does. That's great She's a great joke about unicorns that I I giggle about once a week, and I'll tell her jokes It's not on Netflix you can see it and when I was growing up. I knew more facts about unicorns than I did lesbians She goes look there are more facts about unicorns than I did lesbians.

She goes, there are no facts about unicorns. I was just like, that's a good fucking joke. That is a good joke. Yeah, I mean, that's her experience, right? She's a lesbian. It's hard out there for a pimp. It is. I get it.

I think people create unnecessary and artificial adversaries. I really do. And I think this is one of the ones that's going on right now in comedy. And I see it all the time with this Nanette thing. It's like, stop. Stop with the art. I mean, I fall into it, too. I buy into it, too, and I read some of these articles. Like, comedy's not dead.

What the fuck are you talking about? It doesn't make any sense. You read the article and you start thinking she said it. Exactly. You're like, oh, she's telling us I can't do comedy anymore? She didn't say it.

She just did something and someone interpreted it that way. And if she says she can't do comedy anymore, that's fine too. Yeah. She could just do, like now she's famous, right?

She could just do one woman specials or one person specials or one entity specials. How are we framing it now? I wouldn't even say it, Joe. You wouldn't say the gender? I wouldn't even. I would be like, she does a thing. Gender's off subject.

You can't. It's off limits. Gender. Can you imagine that? Remember when you were a kid? If somebody came up to you, one day you're going to have to ask someone whether they're a boy or a girl and it's gonna be very delicate and you're gonna have to ask them what their preferred pronouns are you'd be like what yeah yeah yeah it's coming it's real soon like in 10-15 years and then everyone's gonna be uh there's gonna be a lot of ambiguity and ambiguity

that's a weird word ambiguity how often you say that word i'll say ambiguous but how often you say ambiguity? I'd never have said it. That's a weird one. I stay away from a lot of big words. Especially after coffee. Ambiguity. Yeah, but nobody would have ever anticipated that there would be debate about gender.

Oh, my daughters were outside of one of the progressive bathrooms, where it's not metal, it's just a bathroom. And my daughters saw her first dick that way. Just pushed open the door because it's no man or woman. And then she's like, ah. And I was like, what is the matter? She goes, I just saw a man's penis. I was like. Why didn't the guy lock the door?

Sometimes you don't. I've done it. You walk in and you're not thinking. And you just don't lock the door. So was it at any sex bathroom? Or was it at any gender bathroom? was it a any gender bathroom i don't know they have i don't fucking know you know i was in a restroom once uh a restaurant once and i was waiting for the bathroom it's a long fucking wait man and uh finally the door opens and a chick comes out the men's room yeah and she looked at me

like like yeah i was in the i was in the men's room like what if i was in the men's room yeah and she looked at me like like yeah i was in the i was in the men's room like what if i was in the women's room taking a shit what if you were in there i've done that a big steamer i did that coming off of a plane from uh atlanta you went to the women's room ireland to atlanta boozing on the flight there's a while ago headsets in hoodie on about to take a shit i'm like it's creeping out my pants. And I walk into the bathroom. Start shitting. Headset's still in.

Listening to music. Start sweating a little bit because it's hot in there. Take the hoodie off. Take the headsets out. And I hear women's voices. And I'm like, oh my god. I'm shitting in the woman's bathroom. I did that at the comedy store once.

I took a leak in the women's room. I didn't realize it when they put those new bathrooms in the side hallway. Yeah. Because for a while, it was like a men and women's bathroom. And then they opened up the men's room. I didn't realize it when they put those new bathrooms in the side hallway. Yeah. Because for a while, it was like a men and women's bathroom, and then they opened up the men's bathroom over there. And I walked in,

and there was girls in there. I'm like, yay. Oh, it's crazy. We're all in here together. Bye. Isn't it funny that you can be next to people? Here's what's odd about it, right?

There's something implied because genitals are involved, right? You could be standing next to those same people in an elevator. It would be fine. Like, hi, how you guys doing? Everything's fine. But if you stand next to these same people in a bathroom, you're like, oh no. Oh no. Private parts. Naughty parts.

Poopy peepee. Yeah. There's something dirty about even if everyone is just washing their hands close to each other in the sink it's like everyone's creeped out i can't wait to get the fuck out of here the tension's so thick that's in a bathroom it's weird it's crazy that you can't just shit and piss in front of people no you can't you can't see we grew up where you can shit in front of dudes like we used to shit in front of dudes like if if like i'm still kind of like this but like if me and you were talking i'm like hey, hey, come in and I got to take a shit.

I would have shat and you would have stood there and I would have finished telling you my story. I bet Joey Diaz is that kind of guy, too. Oh, Joey's taking horrible shits in front of me. Yeah, I saw Ari do it online. Do you remember that Jew clam video? Yeah, I was there. Oh, my God. I remember seeing that.

I was on the road in a green room and I saw someone's like have you seen Artie's asshole? And I was like I have not yeah, he had a hemorrhoid problem and that's to put it mildly He still has that word problem does he still do when we were we when when we were in Atlanta He was like how much blood should come be in a toilet after you go to the bathroom a lot and Can you imagine Tom's face? You know's so dry he's like none how much blood oh don't put that up don't put that up don't put that up don't put up I was just telling Jamie back like before you got here how important those videos were. All the videos you shot with Red Band and Ari and Joey, the Joey Karate video, all the stuff you guys used to put online. That's so important to where you are today in my opinion. What do you mean?

Man, I found that stuff. When YouTube started blowing up, that stuff was in such heavy rotation for comics. Like you'd look for comics and you were recognizable because of Fear Factor and News Radio. But I got to those videos and I probably watched every single one of the videos you guys shot as did all of us. Tom did, all of us, just because it was like, it was the content we could find. That's what we're talking about with Twitch is like, get on Twitch now and start uploading content because one day someone will see it and go oh, I know that guy and

And I really believe that you guys were so ahead of that curve where people like I'm not I don't even know how to upload A video yeah, you guys had edited great content heckler and Columbus Ari dealing with a heckler in DC the Feminist arguing with you that guy you, that guy, you choking that guy out at the store. Like, those were videos where you're like, I'd watch them four or five times. There was a lot of those. But you know what was really good about it was Red Band's editing.

He just doesn't like to do that, though. It's too time consuming and he's too lazy. He just doesn't like to do videos. But he's really talented. Like, his video editing skills, like that Mencia video, that was part of why that video was so popular because it's a long ass video but his editing skills were so good what was the music he played

I forget the music was perfect yeah it was the whole thing was you know it's he's a really good editor he really he's really talented at it but it's so time consuming it drives him nuts that he'd rather just fuck around and do podcasts and have a good time but when he was doing it like

when we were going on the road together and he was filming a lot of stuff and splicing things together we'd make a video every couple months or something like that it was really fun it was it was an interesting experiment you know just just just to fuck around i got into when i got into vlogging i mean jamie was like right there when I started vlogging. So we were both found Casey Neistat, I think at the same time. And I got really into vlogging and I loved it, man. I don't, I think I maybe did like 40 episodes

and it was just fun. But then I started realizing it was in cannibalizing my life to a point where I wasn't living an authentic life at all. Right. And I wasn't writing any material. I was just shooting everything. Everything was shot. Like if I saw you, I'd be like, I wouldn't be like, oh, all. Right. And I wasn't writing any material. I was just shooting everything. Everything was shot. Like if I saw you, I'd be like, I wouldn't be like, oh, cool.

I get to hang out with Joe. I'd be like, oh, hey guys, I'm with Joe. You know? And I was like, that's, um. That is the trap that the people fall into. You know? I mean, if you look at some people's Instagram stories, you're like, what are you doing, man?

You have a million dots. Your Instagram is like little tiny dots, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Like your whole day, your whole day, you have just a phone in front of you. What do you just have like constant battery chargers and you're just constantly charging up your phone and filming video. This is crazy. I do it. This is the way I look at Instagram. I do it. I'll do those stories aggressively. If I'm running the triathlon, running a marathon, doing a big event. And I, and that's, I mean, not to tip the hat or whatever or tell you guys my business plan but that's what i do like i i like to do big things and then that's how my stories

and then i'll fuck around on the weekend and i'll put up maybe like three stories a day five stories a day and i'll show you my life a little bit but for the most part i like i try to i try to distance myself from it for two reasons number one it fucks with my eyesight. If I'm on my phone a lot, my eyes are fucked. And number two, it does cannibalize your life. But what I want to do, I think the next level of this business is honestly going backwards and doing what you and Red Band were doing with those videos, but getting yourself out of it and having a guy like Red Band, who that's his job. It's hard, though. See, the thing is with a guy like red band who that's his job it's hard

though see the thing is with a guy like red band it's that job is very hard to do like you have to get something like brian is uniquely talented at that you know i think that's like his greatest talent he's really good at making videos but he like i said he doesn't like to do it and a lot of people don't like to do it because it's time consuming so you could just take stuff and just you know cut it and pace it but he did more than that he had special effects and music and you know what he was doing was he was figuring out a way to make sometimes mundane situations interesting and interesting situations way more interesting yeah it's hard to do so like for you to like say you know you want to get you like you'd have to find a guy like you'd almost like you have to get Brian to start doing it again, I

I'm definitely we Jamie and I were talking about this I will my next step is doing what you're doing on a much smaller level like getting an area getting a space Doing my podcast and my solo podcast out of there, but then Creating content. What is your solo podcast? You have a solo ones? Yeah, I do a solo podcast out of there, but then creating content. What is your solo podcast? Do you have a solo one as well? Yeah, I do a solo podcast. Just talk to yourself? No, it's called Open Tabs.

So I go throughout on the weekend, like when I'm normally killing time looking on the internet, and I just leave all those tabs open on Safari, and then I go in and I just go through and close them and tell you what they are and show you the video I was watching. It's a lot of videos of you and all my friends. Because I watch all my friends do shit. Like if Bill Burr kills it on some interview, I show that.

Or if you like a lot of, I mean, a lot of them are like the interviews you have with these guys like David Atiyah and Cam Haynes. Cam Haynes is like all those really inspirational guys, I'll pull up videos of them. And then all of all sudden I'll get obsessed with flash floods and fucking flash floods are scary dude there's this guy no joke like I think I'm a good

comic this guy's better at what he does but he tracks flash floods and he's like he's like on camera like okay I'm in this valley see this cloud over there it's raining over there it should be to us in 15 minutes all All right? We're going to stay with it. And this guy finds a plot of land where the flash flood will run and he can chase it and almost follow it, follow it, hop up on the bank, and then cut a corner and get in front of it again.

This guy's so good at fucking following flash floods. There's this girl. This is what I find on the internet because I get online. There's this girl, Kimmy Warner. Okay? This girl is the best. I'm obsessed with spearfishing right now. Spearfishing?

Never done it in my life. Obsessed with spear. I watch spearfishing videos, Joe, maybe eight hours a day. What? Dude, like, when I'm in bed, and you know when you're killing time, Kimmy Warner, pull up Kimmy Werner This woman is fucking amazing This is a picture of her swimming with a great white shark Dude I've got a spear fishing woman coming on next week

Who? Valentin Thomas I don't know her I'm googling the fuck out of her Google Valentin Thomas She's coming on next week She was a lawyer who quit her gig And became like a very active And active on social media spearfisher.

Oh, she's beautiful. Where is she out of? The Keys? She's in Florida somewhere, I believe. On the west coast of Florida is a big spearfishing community shooting a lot of hog head groupers. By the way, this is the way I talk about something I've never fucking done. We should do it. I'm in.

I'm in. Let's do it. I want to go spearfishing. Apparently it's like hunting underwater. Dude, and see now are you ready for this? This is what is wrong with me is that I've watched so much spearfishing I'm going to talk about it intimately. The thing about shooting out on the west coast of Florida

is they use a lot of Hawaiian slings, alright? Very different than the average spearfishing. What's a Hawaiian sling? I'm glad you asked, Joe. It's just got two rubber bands and you just go and then yeah it's like a rubber band with a pointy stick but like when kimmy werner goes she's got like string like she'll shoot a tuna and it'll take off and she'll hold on and ride with it oh jesus yeah it's ride the tuna i think it's just based on the depths of where you hunt. So when you hunt over on the West Coast, and now I'm talking out of my ass. Do not listen to anything I say, anybody.

But it's a lot of shallower chutes. It's like 30 feet, a lot of reef chutes. Out in Hawaii, Kimi Warner goes down to like 100 feet and chills. Whoa. And just chills. 100 feet is deep. 100 feet. Me and you would be good in the Bahamas.

Yeah. Bahamas. I could do Bahamas. Six feet. Yeah, that's what I'm looking at. Just over your head. Where you can still sand? Get down to nine if you're getting crazy. Get down to nine.

You can push off the bottom and pop back up again. Bro, I'm obsessed with spearfishing. Really? It's such a cool way to live your life. Aubrey's done a bunch of it. I would love to try it. It looks like fun. She invited me. Valentin invited me to go next week, but I don't have the time. cool way to live your life Aubrey's done a bunch of it yeah I would I would love to try it it looks like fun she invited me Valentin invited me to go next week but I don't have the time she's gonna

go to San Diego they're gonna go tuna spearfishing really see that in San Diego those those uh the Pacific Ocean spearfishing is a I think is a little bit of a sport sport like because you got to really know how to hold your breath for a long time it's different i think so i think only because of depths like everything's pretty shallow out on the west coast and the east coast or on the east coast everything's pretty shallow every like all the keys you're you're doing like 15 feet 15 20 feet tops but uh but on the west coast everything is a tad bit deeper huh at least from what i've been watching with Kimmy Werner. Go to Kimmy Werner and there's a video of her, no shit,

hanging out at 100 feet just with a spear, just waiting. Yeah, she's got four and a half minutes to kill. Why not? Four and a half minutes, she's holding her breath. She can hold her breath.

Oh, so she's free diving. No tanks. No tanks. Oh, Christ. All free diving. In like, in like camouflage, camouflage shit.

Not afraid of sharks. Love sharks. Well, you know what a hex suit is? You ever heard of a hex suit? Uh-uh. They got this suit called H-E-C-S. It's like a suit that there's some, it's based on something, I think it's called the Faraday cage. And what it does is it hides your electrical signal. And one of the things about fish is that fish, apparently they read your electrical signal.

Like, you can take a, there's certain machines that, like, you could hover your hand over them, and it'll register that an electrical signal is coming off of your body. But then when you put this hex suit on, you run your hand over the same exact machine, it shows nothing. Really? Yeah. So this suit is something that it's very controversial in the hunting community because some people don't believe it really works because there's no real clear absolute studies that it works on animals, but there are clear studies that it shields your body's electrical signal. But it works pretty unequivocally on fish on fish it's crazy you gotta pull up hex suit hecs suit video fish so you basically roll into the water like predator you put yeah you put gloves on you put a suit on and they can't see you like they for whatever reason you

can get right up to them it's fucking weird man but yeah you get right up to fish right up to like corals they get right up to coral reefs see now here's the thing i don't know how much of this would happen exactly the same way if this guy wasn't wearing this suit because i don't really i don't really have that information yeah but i do know that people that spearfish and people that like are involved with uh you know underwater diving and shit They swear by these things they say it absolutely works, and they had it on shark week, too They were using it on shark week There's something about those suits. Yeah, I don't yeah, Ari and I were I was gonna go out to

The Great Barrier Reef with Ari if Tom was going out there at the same time We're all three gonna go dive to the Great Barrier Reef with Ari. If Tom was going out there at the same time, we're all three going to go dive at the Great Barrier Reef. Whoa. Do a liveaboard. Ari and I actually have been talking back and forth about finding a place to do a liveaboard. A liveaboard? Yeah, like a boat. You stay for like four days. You do two dives a day.

Damn. Yeah. Wow. That's an adventure. Ari's all about living life. And if I can fold that into my family and let my wife understand that once a quarter I got to do something crazy. And then my wife's like, ah, she's cool with it. We talked to, what's the ultra marathon runner that you had on? Courtney DeWalter?

Nope. Zach Bitter. Zach Bitter. Zach Bitter, me, and Ari were going to find an international marathon to do together. Like find an international really badass. 26 mile. Regular marathon. Not like one of those ultras.

That's breaking down your liver where you piss diet coke. Man. Let me tell you something. I've always had respect for like I've always had respect for Cam. Never anything shy of that. But when you run a marathon, the respect you have for Cam Haynes and guys like David Goggins,

it enters a new stratosphere. Yeah, I can only imagine. You're like, whoa. Like when David Goggins says, embrace the hate, embrace the suck, just decide not to quit. That's where my brain, when I went to that marathon, I was like, decide not to quit. And at 22 miles, both my calves just seized up. My quads went into my legs. And the woman in front of me shit her pants.

And I was like. You washed her shit her pants? I washed her shit her pants. A grown woman, like an executive, shit her pants. Went down one leg and up her ass. Whoa. And I went. Did she stop?

Nope. She kept going. Gangster. How bad did it smell? That's when I started running past her. I was like, fuck this bitch. I was like, please let her be an exec from FX or something. Be like, oh, hey.

That would be hilarious. But those guys, like when I watch Cam's videos now of him running in the afternoon and running, he's doing a marathon a day. The speed he's running and the way he's talking as he's running is inspirational beyond measure. From a guy like me where I go, I want to get there. Like, I want to get, like, he's fucking, I can't, I mean, I can't put it into words. Yeah, he's an animal. And he works a full-time job.

That's what blows me away. Are you not drinking? No. For how long? I just haven't been. For how long? Not, I mean for how long not i mean i will but on stage uh no i mean i'll take a drink with me at the end of the night like when i tell the machine story on the second show i'll have that drink that's it yeah what's going on nothing man

cleaning it up no i'm just i don't know i don't know growing up no i know i still party but like yeah like if i saw you at the store tonight i still party and smoke and but i just i don't know. I don't know. Growing up? No, I still party, but if I saw you at the store tonight, I still party and smoke. But I just, I don't know. This is what sucks about being me, is people go, what's going on? Are you sick? Is something going on? You're like, no, I'm also regular. Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah, you know, I did the triathlonathlon and I didn't drink leading up to it. And I did it and I felt really good. I just felt really good. And I thought, and you know, you know, when you have friends that I'm 45. And so you start saying, seeing friends that that lifestyle starts to affect in different ways.

And you go, okay, I want, I don't ever want to quit drinking. I don't ever want to quit smoking weed. I don't ever want to go with Ari and run a marathon and then not do mushrooms with them in Buenos ways. And you go, okay, I don't ever want to quit drinking. I don't ever want to quit smoking weed. I don't ever want to go with Ari and run a marathon and then not do mushrooms with him in Buenos Aires. I want that to be a part of my life. But I can't have that if I'm going at the pace I'm going at. Like I can't have both. Well, you started to rely on your body a lot more.

Like what you're doing with all this running and what was that one that you did where you had to do all the obstacle courses and shit? Spartan race. Spartan race. Doing a triathlon. You're relying on your body. Yeah. Like part of your recreation now is relying on your endurance.

And when you're doing that and you're drinking at the same time, you're just shooting yourself in the foot. Yeah. I mean, I still, like I said, like we did the Spartan race and right after you sit up in the stands everyone has some beers yeah a couple beers yeah yeah maybe a hit of a vape pen and then you just go home you get a good night's sleep but you're right i think for me training for the triathlon was just i couldn't do both i just was not be able to do both and then when i got done i just you know i think a lot of like i was thinking about last night i didn't drink i didn't drink last night obviously and um and i was like i was in the shower today i had a really hard time sleeping last night i was up all night i've just been doing a lot of press and so i think you empty

your serotonin because you're giving everyone everything yeah and i was like and i was up all night with like a little bit of panic attacks and And I definitely would have drank last night. When you get a panic attack, what does that mean? What happens? For me, you kind of get blinders on. And for me personally, I will start saying the same phrase over and over in my head again. Where I can't get it out. Like what? Like, uh...

Like... Um... Right? Like my brain will go, Satellite of love, um, right. Like, uh, like my brain will go satellite of love, satellite of love, satellite of love, satellite. And then I'll start going like last night I had a phrase going through my head and I was like, fuck, is the alarm on? Is the alarm on? And I get up and I go check the alarm and then I get in bed and I go, I should make

sure all the doors are locked. And then I go check all the doors and then I get up and I go did I lock the man cave I gotta get up and I lock the man cave now normally that's where I will start like if I have a few drinks that does not happen you know what's weird what Jamie was talking about this too it's at night

yeah at night when you get weirded out it's like when you're getting ready to shut off it's like can I shut the body off yet is everything cool I think meditation might help me It's like when you're getting ready to shut off. It's like can I shut the body off yet is everything cool I Think meditation might help me because I can't just I can't shut my brain off and then I'm like and then I go a tank For your man cave. I was to take up all of my man cave It's like an office right it's like half of this probably you fit a tank in there

It would be really big in my man cave. It'll be really big in there. They can stuff it in there. You don't have to get one that big. They'll have a, they have a smaller one. Um, they have like one that's like, uh,

six by seven or four by seven, four by seven. See, I, I would rather probably, I'd rather sauna. I love sauna. I love those infrared saunas.

I love those. Sauna's great too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking about it this morning in the shower and I was like, you know what, man? The Sober October we did was so helpful because I learned how to cope and go to bed with nothing. Yeah.

And like with nothing. No NyQuil, no nothing. It was super helpful. And then I learned little tricks like drinking on planes. I still may have a few drinks before I get on a plane or a couple drinks on the plane. But the difference is, if it's an early morning flight, I don't need a drink to get on the plane. I don't need it.

Right. For where, of ways I just said, I just got to do it. You know? It was helpful for me too. You know what's really interesting is it made me realize what's happening to your dreams when you're smoking pot all the time. Because as soon as you stop smoking pot and then your dreams become super vivid, like really vivid, like excruciatingly vivid and strange and bizarre, you're like, oh, what

am I doing to myself with the weed all the time? Yeah. Like that's probably not good for my dreams. I want those dreams. The vivid ones? The crazy ones. You should take AlphaBrain. Dude, I told you. Before you go to bed? I for my dreams. I want those dreams. The vivid ones? The crazy ones. You should take Alpha Brain. Dude, I told you.

Before you go to bed? I took it out and my wife made me stop. Because I was a lunatic on Alpha Brain. Because I could feel it really immediately. If you take it before, like, I take a double dose. So, like, if I'm, like, these packets, you're supposed to take one packet. I would take two of these packets with some water before I go to bed. go to bed and then you know like maybe an hour before you go to bed and with no pot and alpha brain you will have lucid intense fucking dreams like they're intense

they're in they're durable like you realize you're a dream and they they don't wake up like they're they get lucid and you're in the middle of them. You know, the way I describe lucid dreams, lucid dreams are like a delicate bubble that a kid would blow, and you can kind of almost catch it on your hand, and then pop, it pops. These were like basketballs. They weren't popping.

I could be in the middle of a dream like, oh, I'm in a dream. Okay, now we're in a dream. Let's just keep going. And it wouldn't knock me out of the dream by recognizing that i was in a dream which ordinarily would immediately do it ordinarily i'd be like oh my god i'm dreaming well i'm waking up yeah and then you just wake up i could keep myself in that lucid dream state for a long time i lucid dream naturally and i i have fucking in I have I've been sold a consent a show to Comedy Central based on my dreams I have insane dreams you should

try do you know what paracetam is you've heard that stuff it's another nootropic it's a real potent one of the interesting things about nootropics is there's a ton of them there's a lot of different ones one of them they found recently is creatine they found the creatine boosts your mental performance. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Creatine's got a lot of benefits, man.

Because you think about it, right? Creatine makes your body retain more water as well, right? It's one of the things people don't like about it. It kind of gives you like a chubby face. Like you get a little bloated on it. But what that's doing is you're just retaining more water, right? But if you have more water, it also makes you stronger. Like it's proven like over time taking creatine as a supplement, it's very effective.

It really does make you stronger. It makes you bigger. So you got to think like all that is like all this tissue and all this water. It's like it's probably just everything's healthier right and probably the flow of everything's healthier too the conductivity of it all obviously i'm not a scientist but i would think that all that makes sense like your like your brain works terrible when it's dehydrated like have you ever been dehydrated and try to think yeah it's your brain is so weak it's incredible how much dehydration affects the way your brain performs but on the other side it should be that if you're really well hydrated your brain would

probably work better and they only make sense it's amazing how important water is oh fuck man everything i got this nutritionist when I started doing the triathlon. Like, Men's Health covered it. Like, they're doing a documentary on it. What are they doing with you? The whole triathlon. They hit me up, and they're like, man, this guy, Connor Reed, really cool guy. He's like, he's just a fan of what we do.

And he's like, man, I love Sober October. I love you and Tommy's Bets. You know, like, and there's a lot of people as bizarre as this sounds, whatever we decided to do with these competitions that got inspired and lost a ton of weight. Yeah, I've seen a lot of that. It's awesome. It's been amazing,

man. It has been. And like, guys hit me up and they're like, I'm running my first marathon. I'm running my first Spartan race. Me and my buddies are doing it when you're in Columbus. Can you come hang out with us? And it really is, I know Tom and I've talked about it a lot. It just definitely was not our intention. Like we just wanted to,

we were fucking around. And then when we all did sober October there, do their people that come up, came up to me at the triathlon with this guy, Willie Nelson's his name. And he's like, he's like, bro,

he's like, Holy shit. The machine. I didn't fucking sober October with you guys. I was like, for real. He's like, dude,

no booze, no drugs. Can you fucking believe it? And I'm like, yeah, I I'm right like, holy shit, the machine. I did fucking Sober October with you guys. I was like, for real? He's like, dude, no booze, no drugs. Can you fucking believe it? And I'm like, yeah, I'm right. Like, we shared the same month. I'm doing it again. I'll do it again. I'm going to do it every October. I'm just going to make it a thing.

Yeah. We should do something else, too. Like, right now, it's almost September. Yeah. Is it like the 20th or something? What is it? 23rd? That's not a lot of time. We basically have a month to figure it out. Like, you mean add another thing inside sober october yeah i mean we could be sober

and we could do the yoga classes we could do it again not getting tom to do those fucking yoga classes again man those are amazing for you that that that was also amazing i did nine in a row i did nine days in a row just to whack it out yeah Yeah. And when I did that, I was like, it's amazing. Like, if you just know that you have to do it, you just do it. Yeah. But if you don't know you have to do it, you find all sorts of reasons to not do it. Like, I'll just go lift weights. Yeah, I'll just go for a run.

Yeah, I'll just go do this. But if, like, I have to get seven more of these fucking things in in the next 14 days. I'll just do them right now. Yeah. You know what's cool about them? This sounds silly, but now I have hot yoga in my utility belt worth of workouts. Sometimes I'll come off the road and I'll be like, God, man, maybe I booze that weekend. I'll be like, Monday I'm doing a hot yoga. And I'll go do a hot yoga and and i know how the

poses i don't have i'm not embarrassed i know i've got the mat like doing your first hot yoga is embarrassing a little bit but when you go back in it you do it again and you just pour sweat you're like shit i'm coming back tomorrow and then you of course you don't but it's it's courageous when you see uh people going to those classes that are like really obese and they just take that risk of being almost naked in front of all these people you got shorts on and shit and some lady just did it the other day her first class and i was like that lady took a obviously she's not physically fit she's not that active this is probably like super nerve-wracking for her to do she took a ballsy chance it's a it's tough to do it's tough to do anything it's tough to you know it's tough to fucking take a you know a kettlebell class it's

tough you go in there it's weird you get weirded out when i started when i started the training and i had to go to a pool and swim and get in a speedo now i wear speedos all the time but for real to wear one? Like, for real? Yeah, for real, for real. Why do you have to wear one? Is it that much better than shorts? Oh, my God. The drag is like, you glide like a fucking dolphin.

Really? You ever jack off with too much lotion and you're like, I don't even feel it. I need to dry some of this off. Wow. That's a bad example. Interesting. It's super specific to me. I swam in the ocean recently. Wow. That's a bad example. Interesting. It's super specific to me.

I swam in the ocean recently. I was in Italy last week, and I was swimming in the ocean. I was realizing, wow, it's so much easier to swim in the ocean. Oh, yeah, salt water. You float. Yeah. It's so – it's like way easier. Yeah.

It's not a little easier. It's like way easier. Open water swimming in salt water in like the Malibu triathlons coming up, that one's – it's tough. It's a half-mile swim, but you're in a wetsuit and you're buoyant and you're in salt water. You're also swimming near great white sharks. Yeah. I'm doing Malibu in a year. Great white sharks.

They're everywhere around Malibu. Yeah, but when you're in a pack like that. Oh, well, what's the odds that you get bitten? Just get into the center. Yeah. Get into the center. And that's where they go, right through the middle. Yeah, just fucking shoot up. That movie, The Meg, is supposed to be one of the worst movies of all time.

For real? Have you seen that movie? They say it's doing great at the box office. Of course it is. Everyone's an idiot. It's supposed to be so bad. It's a big shark that just fucking nobody saw before. Oh, here it is. It's doing as good as Crazy Rich

Asians. Oh, Crazy Rich Asians. Killing it. Oh, good. Is it? It's killing it. Yeah. I want to see that. I hear it's hilarious. I want to see it. The Meg. What's it got? 91% like this movie. 47% Rotten Tomatoes. 6.2 on IMDB.

That's not bad. Like, what is the worst received movie recently? There's been some really, really bad ones, right? Oh, I got this. I could come up with this. Because there was one that came out recently and everyone trashed it. Well, I'm not going to say. That Gotti movie, didn't it get like zero? Oh, the Gotti movie. Thated it. Well, I'm not going to say. No.

That Gotti movie, didn't it get like zero? Oh, the Gotti movie. That's it. Yeah, the Gotti movie. He's writing it down. Let's see here. It's a movie I liked and everyone trashed. Oh.

Yeah. Gotta leave that one alone. Burn that paper. Yeah. Gotta leave that one alone. Burn that paper. Yeah. What are you gonna do? It's fucking... That's a business I don't want to get into. I don't ever want to do that.

I see Tom doing it now. He's doing some movies. I'm like, yeah, good luck. You know, it's nice to see him blowing up, but that movie thing is a trap you get on those sets for 16 hours a day and everyone's depressed everyone's tired and everyone's on antidepressants fucking everyone everyone oh my god you're been on movie set you talk to actors about what they're on well you

know my my well putrin wasn't doing it for me so I got on Lexapro and I'm on Zoloft and I really find it just it's really for me, so I got on Lexapro. And I'm on Zoloft, and I really find it just, it's really balancing me out. And I started taking this, and I started taking that. And Xanax a little here, a little there. Like, whoa. Everyone is on something. Dude, fuck that. You go to Columbia for eight weeks, and you live in Columbia.

I know Mark Wahlberg did that mile 22. He just lived in Columbia for eight weeks. Fuck that. I'd much rather just do standup. Yeah. I wouldn't mind doing, I'm not even joking. I would, my dream, now my dream's doing what I'm doing right now. Like I like to expand that.

If I could do my own thing and expand that, that's my goal. But if you said part of the business, easily like a news radio, like an ensemble cast. That was hard too, man. I would love a multi-cam. Well, it's fun if everybody gets along, but you got to rely on all those other people to keep their shit together and, you know, it goes sideways. Yeah. And then on top of that, sometimes the scripts don't work.

And sometimes when the show's not doing well, then you have executives that the sometimes the scripts don't work and sometimes when the show's not doing well then you have executives that chime in i honestly think that like what you're doing with like something's burning yeah like that kind of shit that's way better man like you're the thing you're doing with all things comedy like the like it's cooking show yeah that kind of fun shit where there's no real bosses is way better for a guy like you or a guy like me. I agree. Podcasts, same kind of thing. You're never going to be able to be really authentically yourself with all these executives

and producers and network notes and all that shit. They don't know what the fuck they're doing, man, that they just don't. Occasionally you'll get good advice, but when something gets through with that, that sort of system and becomes a hit It's almost by luck. It's almost like wow. What are the odds?

It's like a salmon making its way up a river like it's why would it go upriver? The fuck are you doing? This is a terrible way to go you gotta jump over a waterfall. That is so stupid makes no sense It's so dumb. Yeah, but the one that makes it and spawns, like, look, this is our system. It works. Like, okay, I guess this is it. But it's almost like that. It's like you're doing something that's, like, so counterintuitive. You're doing something creative, and you're being judged and ordered around by people

who have zero creativity. They're not funny. Yeah. If they were funny, they'd be comedians. They're not funny. But yet they're telling you what to do. And then you have to think about their notes, and you've got to bring in the gay roommate

and the fucking black neighbor and the hot chick down the street that everybody wants to fuck and everyone's, like, tripping over. Yeah. It's like, no thanks, man. When we went and did that first Something's Burning, it's me, Bill, and Tom, and I walked on set and I said I'm super difficult to work with just want everyone

to know that uh don't anyone stop me don't anyone do anything I'll let you know when we start and I'll let you know when we're done and they're like okay I said just cover everything don't ever ask me to stop and do anything just cover everything that. That's a problem. When they go, stop. We're going to rewind. Say that again. What? Yep. No, get a camera on me and stay out of the picture. Just leave me alone.

Yep. They don't understand that every time you break that momentum, now I'm thinking about you and I'm thinking about that camera and I have to reset again. Yeah. And we did it. We did me and Tom and Bill did that first one. Just one take. I think both Tom and Bill did that first one, just one take. I think both Tom and Bill were like, I got 45 minutes.

I was like, perfect. We got it all. They got up. I think they aired almost all of it. And then everyone loved it. And then Dillian and Bobby Lee came in. Same thing. I was like, no one say a thing.

Dude, the best ones, Schaub and Brian Callen, to me, are my favorite. Because you see Brandon Schaub in a... He is so fucking funny in that cut. He's a very funny dude. He is so fucking funny in that. What did you guys cook? Oh my God, Joe. We cooked crab, but we had to kill them on air. And you have to kill them in a humane way.

What? Yeah, in order to do it, you have to kill them in a humane way. What do you mean, in order to do it? In order to kill a crab, legally, especially on YouTube, you've got to kill it in a humane way. What? Yeah. So it's got to be within six seconds.

Dude, I shot an elk with a bow and arrow on YouTube. You can watch an elk get shot through the heart with a bow and arrow. Don't even. You have to be careful with a crab. All I know is that the one note we got was. He didn't even have senses. Well, Brian Callen took care of all the killing. Did he?

He was so fucking funny. How'd he kill it? As you start by lifting up their dick and putting it... Whoa, they have a dick? I think so. I think that's what it is. And you jam it in. You jam it in?

What is it? The knife. Oh, well, what the fuck? How about you bring that up? Yeah. Lift up their dick and you jam it in. I'm thinking you're jamming their dick in. Where are you putting it?

No, you take the knife. You lay the crab on its back. You fuck them to death, bro. You lift up the dick. You pop the knife in. And then you've got to hit the other side of it within like six seconds. And that's a humane death for the crab. Otherwise, they're suffering.

So I show that to Brendan. And Brendan's like, no, bro. I'm definitely not fucking doing this. And Brian just goes, I'll do it. that to Brendan and Brendan's like no bro I'm definitely not fucking doing this and Brian just goes I'll do it and literally like the Barbara Seville goes through and kills 20 fucking crabs like this

I made them cioppino and neither of them thought they'd like it and they loved it what's cioppino that's like a soup yeah it's like a here watch Brian watch fucking Brian he's definitely fucking dead he's cut in half well wait a minute

why is that humane? Like, what a weird thing. Like, you have to kill them humanely as opposed to boiling them alive. Is that the idea? Yes, I guess. I'm not really certain. You're not supposed to boil them alive?

But, like, with lobsters, they always boil them alive. Yeah. And they'll tell you you're supposed to boil them alive. But I'm always like, well, what do you mean supposed to? Like, says who?

Like, what happens if you don't boil them alive? Like, what magic doesn't do you mean supposed to like says who like what happens if you don't boil them alive like what magic doesn't you know what magic leaves their body where they don't taste as good if you don't boil them alive yeah i don't know about that how come you can't just cut their fucking head off and then they're dead and then you throw them in the boiling water like what is what's happening here why do they need to be kept alive that's a well well you want them to be fresh right yeah? Yeah. There's a big difference in seafood. Seafood and freshness, that's huge. You don't see dry-aged seafood.

If you get a piece of beef from a restaurant, like a steak, a lot of times it's aged because the bacteria on the meat actually starts to break it down and it makes it more tender and it actually gives it a lot of that mold that they cut off of it. You ever see dry-aged beef before they slice it up? No. Oh, ready? Okay, show him. Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a guy that I follow on Instagram that was doing something insane. insane like I think they had like a 200 day dry aged beef which is just like even hearing about that you're like what in the hell you know that's what it looks like yes that's what dry aged beef look like it looks like it's rotten like rotten meat and you lose some of the meat I mean it's really wasteful in a way because the outside edge that black shit shit, they cut all that off. So you're losing. Yeah.

See if you can find a video, Jamie, of trimming, just Google trimming dry aged beef and look up YouTube. Were you the guy that turned me on to the guy that had his own fridge and was doing it in his own fridge in his garage? Oh, yeah. I know a bunch of guys who do that. Yeah. It's like I think he was doing it with elk, dry aging elk maybe. Yeah. Yeah. I know quite a few guys do that. So this is dry aged meat. So look at that. Oh, yeah, I know a bunch of guys who do that. It's like, I think he was doing it with elk, dry-aging elk, maybe. Yeah, I know quite a few guys do that. So this is dry-aged meat.

So look at that. Oh, wow. He takes the outside. Look, it looks rotten, man. And he takes the outside, and you cut into it, and then I guess he's going to cut all the fat off, and he's going to turn it into steaks. And what is he going to do with all that fat? That's interesting.

He's throwing it in the garbage. So this fat... When is he throwing that away? It seems like he's throwing that fat away. So he keeps a lot of the fat on and the fat on top

is dry aged. So he's not losing any beef on top. He's just losing the sides. Well, yeah, you're losing the outside edges in this particular cut. But on some steaks, you know, it depends on how long he's dry-aging it, too. Like when some people go really ham with that shit, they'll, you know, like I said, they'll dry-age for hundreds of days. There's a lot of experimental stuff they're doing now where I'm going to find this dude on Instagram.

Do you do that with elk? No, I don't. No. I got to get you and Cam on Something's Burning. Yeah, we'll do it. I would love that. Cam can't cook though. You know, Dudley can. Dudley can cook his ass off. I'm the cook. I'll cook for you guys. Yeah, you know, do you know how to cook? Yeah, I know how to reverse sear.

But have you ever fucked around with wild game? I'll give for you guys. Yeah, do you know how to cook? Yeah, I know how to reverse sear. But have you ever fucked around with wild game? I'll give you some today. And you could fuck around with it. And then if you get it right, we'll figure out a way to do it. I'll give you some recipes and stuff. But it's not that difficult. But it's more tricky than beef. Beef is hard to fuck up, especially fatty beef because there's so much moisture.

Whereas elk, you're basically eating a bodybuilder. You're eating an athlete. And it's just a richer, darker meat and has very little fat in it. But if you do it right, it's fantastic. Have you had it before? I've had your ground elk. That's good, but that's hard. The right way to do it is to do an elk steak.

I've got to fucking set up that goddamn grill out here, but we don't know how to have proper ventilation. I've got one of those Yoder pellet grills in the back there, but we don't know how to get the proper ventilation. We might need to get some sort of a permit. Put like a vent like they would do with a kitchen. God damn it, I can't find this guy's. Is it this one?

No, Rare Gourmet Meats. Ooh, what does he got going on? Bunch of stuff. See if you find like, just Google, try 500-day dry aged beef on YouTube. Holy shit. Yeah. These guys don't fuck around. Can I tell you one of the coolest things you turned me on to?

What? Fucking Adam Green Tree. Oh, he's an animal. Dude, his Insta stories, like, I get bummed when I skip them. And when he's on one of those epic hunts. Yeah, no, he does not fuck around, dude. That guy, he goes out by himself. By himself.

Months at a time. Extreme age stake. What does it say in there? 420 days? Yeah, this one's 400 on this one. Oh, go to 400. Let's see what that looks like. It probably looks terrible when they start cutting it up.

See, back it up a little bit so oh my god i just saw this online the other day like i saw i saw this and i didn't click on it so they it's real weird man i mean you're basically letting it rot and you're relying on the bacteria to not completely flourish like you have to have a certain temperature i think they keep it somewhere around like 40 degrees or something like that and it's dry like look at that it looks terrible that looks like a rotten piece of meat you're supposed to he's gonna eat that yeah they're gonna eat the shit out of it look at that that is so weird dude that's so weird it doesn't even look red anymore. I mean, it's white. And I think that's Wagyu.

How do you say it? Wagyu. Wagyu. What's the other word for that? There's another word. Oh, Kobe. Yeah. Is he eating it all?

Keep it going. Sorry, I threw one. So he's going to sear it, I guess. Yeah. And then throw some thyme. Oh, and then he's going to sous vide., I guess. Yeah. And then throw some thyme. Oh, and then he's going to sous vide. Have you ever sous vide? I have.

It takes forever to sous vide eggs. Does it? Like an hour. Really? For soft-boiled eggs. Yeah, I love soft-boiled eggs. Sous vide is interesting, man, because you could have something and cook it, like, say, at 125 degrees, which is, which is where you want your steak to be,

and you could have it in there for hours. What you do is you take your steaks, and you've got to vacuum seal them, sous vide them, and then you can just let them sit. You're not going to overcook them and then sear them. Sear them in some butter and garlic. Yeah, or with a blowtorch. I do a blowtorch sometimes. Wow.

Yeah. They have sous vide torches. Look at that. That guy's got the butter and the thyme. Oh, sweet baby. Oh, Jesus. What are you doing here, you fuck? Look at him with his camera.

Slicing it open. That's 400-day dry-aged meat. Look at him. He's having a mouthgasm. Oh. Foodies are such dorks. They just get so into it. They just get so into it, man.

When you go travel, when you go to like thailand and stuff do you get foodie and go in and try to find something dangerous and crazy or do you just pretty much stay i didn't eat bugs but i ate some really hot food yeah yeah no bugs they try to serve me bugs i'm like bitch i hosted fear factor for six years get that shit out of my face wrong guy yeah i'm just not interested in your bugs not, it doesn't gross me out at all. Nothing grosses me out. Eating bugs or anything. Throw up. I remember your wife threw up

in her car one time. Either I came over there and you were cleaning out your wife's car. I said, what are you doing? You were like, my wife threw up all over her car. One of those green drinks. And I was like, if you bring up like Sura brought up throwing up the other day. Just brought up throwing up and I was like like if you bring up like Sura in brought up throwing up the other day

just brought up throwing up and I started gagging on his podcast yeah I'm immune I saw so many people throw up I've seen hundreds of people throw up right in front of me and I had to talk to them while they were puking and this is a learned skill because when I first started doing a show I would gag when I would see other people do it. I'd be like, bleh. Yeah. But then after a while, it just went away. That part of me is dead.

It's dead. So when my wife threw up in her car, I was like, I'll clean it. I don't give a fuck. That's fine. I was just cleaning it. I cannot do that. I can't even. When my kids throw up, I'm like, I'm sorry.

You're on your own. I clean up all the puke. If my kids puke, I am the designated puke cleaner. Oh. 100% of the time. 100% of the time. I clean up all the puke. If my kids puke, I am the designated puke cleaner. Oh. 100% of the time. 100% of the time. Someone throws up in the bed or somewhere else, I clean it up.

Dude, I came back from Utah one time, and I was firing hot, and I had a crazy weekend, and I just wasn't feeling right. And we went and ate a big dinner, and I don't feel good. I'm in bed. I'm in a robe. I'm in a Yankees robe. And I get up, and I'm like, I'm not feeling good. And I go i go into the bathroom and i go to shit but i start throwing up before i can shit and i sit in the robe and i shit in the robe and throw up on my lap and my wife's a thug she went we got this

let's get you in the shower i'll take care of it wow that's a good woman right there yeah that's a good woman right there yeah man um i like literally unless i'm out of town my wife does not clean up puke she would tell me that the kid puked and i clean it up really yeah because she'll start throwing up and i won't at all does she she takes care of the chickens though um yeah sometimes you know um we have a guy that we hire to that will take care of the chicken sometimes, like, especially when we're not there. Yeah. He'll, he'll handle certain things.

Like you have to, chickens are a little bit of effort. You know, you got to clean up the cage. You got to collect the eggs every day. We had some squirrels stealing eggs. We had a real issue with that. I got a squirrel that I have to hose out of our chicken coop. Yeah. Well, Marshall took care of that.

Marshall fucks up squirrels, dude. Marshall is the sweetest dog of all time, unless you're a squirrel. Then he's the devil. I mean, I've never seen a dog so determined to kill a squirrel. It's crazy. He goes out now, and he looks for them. He runs to the chicken coop, and then he circles the chicken coop,

looking to see where these motherfuckers are getting at, see if anybody's around there see if anybody's slipping but i was on the road my wife sent me a picture of marshall with a squirrel in his mouth and she's so happy because she doesn't like squirrels because squirrels are fucking up all the um they steal all the chicken food yeah i like i like squirrels i think they're cute so So for me, I'm like, so what? They steal the chicken food. Make more chicken food. But then they start stealing the eggs. And I was like, oh, you bitches are pushing it. You can't steal my food.

That's my food. You can't steal the eggs. Let me find this fucker. Our chickens are family members. Yeah, they are, right? Yeah. I came home when it was like, you remember when it was like 120 and all the trees were dying? Yeah.

And I walked in and Leanne had the chickens in the house. She's like, they can't be out there. It's too fucking hot. Yeah, but they do. They have to be out there. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's all happy.

This is ingrained in his DNA. Oh, 100%. And his mouth is soft. So he doesn't like, he's like, I want to bring it back to you fully intact so that you can't, so that if you need this. Is that blood on his chest? Yeah. Yeah, that's blood.

Yeah, well, he brings things to you always because he's a retriever. So he has a little box of stuffed toys that he has in the house. And he's the only dog that I've ever had that doesn't mangle every toy you give him. Because I've had pit bulls and mastiffs. And you give them a toy and they just start tearing them apart. He just carries them around. He carries them around and he brings to you. So when I see him in the morning, I'm like

good morning, sir. Good morning. And he's wagging his tail happy and the first thing he does is run over to his pile of toys, grabs one and comes over with it. Brings you a present. Yeah, well he has it in his mouth. He's a retriever. If you see retrievers running, a lot of times they're he has it in his mouth. He always he's a retriever. Like if you see retrievers running a lot of times they're carrying their leash in their

mouth as they're running. They love to hold on to things in their mouth. Weird. Does he dive in underwater? Oh, he fucking swims like a motherfucker dude. Dude. That dog is always in the water. He just, he will dive from the deep end of the, like if the kids are playing in the pool, he, and I'll let him out the

door, he runs to the pool stands on the edge kids are playing in the pool, and I'll let him out the door, he runs to the pool, stands on the edge, and then leaps into the water and splashes. How? He fucking loves it. Does he dive underwater though? A little bit. That's what we used to have. I used to have a black lab, and you could throw one of those rings underwater, and she

dives to the bottom, grab it, and pull it up. Oh, he doesn't do that. Oh, I guarantee you he will. I guarantee you he will. I bet he would if I taught him how to do it, but he swims like crazy. It's instinctual with those fucking dogs. My bull mastiff, I cannot get her in the pool. Really?

She looks at me like you're trying to pitch anal sex to your wife. She's like, come on. For real? We both know how this is going to go. No one's going to be happy. Yeah, Johnny Cash. And people always ask me to have pictures of my other dogs. They're actually both passed away now.

I had to put them both down. Both your Bullmastiffs? No, the Bullmastiff and the English Bulldog Shibuino mix. They were both 13 years old, and Johnny couldn't walk anymore. It was really rough. The last few days of his life, I would try to bring him in for dinner. And when I would try to bring him in, he literally couldn't make it. It was a small yard where he was at.

We're talking about, like, you know, 15 yards. He couldn't make it 15 yards to the house. He would like take a couple steps and his body would shake and he'd take a couple of steps and he was just sleeping all day. And he was also having a really hard time shitting and he would occasionally shit in the house. Like he couldn't hold his bowels and he couldn't go outside when he wanted to. Like you'd see him trying, but his body was so old. For a mastiff, 13 years old is crazy old. Like, a lot of them die at, like, 8 or 9, and he was 13.

And he was a sweet, sweet dog up until the end, but he just, he was, you know, he was suffering. It was hard. It's hard when you know them when they're a puppy. And then 10 years later, you're kind of the same. And they're not, man. They're gone. I think about that with Marshall because he's only a year and a half.

And he's so full of life. And he's so fun. He's so silly and playful and happy. I'm like, man, there's going to be a day where Marshall's this old, old, old dog. And I'm going to have to put him down too. You know, it was depressing. And the other one, Brutus, the Shibu Ino English Bulldog mix, he was better than Johnny for a long time. Still, I've known for the last two years that they didn't have much time left.

You know, they were both struggling hard. But Brutus took a real hard turn over the last few months where he wouldn't even come in. Like, I'd try to get him to come in. I'm like, come on, buddy, you want to eat? I'd try to put a little food in front of his face. And he would try to stand up and his legs would be shaking. And it's just so hard, man. It's so hard watching them fade away.

And then also watching them suffer. The last days where you have to decide where me and my wife had to have conversations. Like, look, we have to do something. One day we're going to come home and there's going to be a dead dog. And it's not like they're having a good time. This is a horrible, suffering, slow demise. Did you have someone come to the house or did you take them? Yeah.

It was rough, dude. It was rough. Yeah, Priscilla's seven. And, I mean, I got her when I first started doing this podcast. How big is she? 140. Yeah, that's a big dog, man. She's had five knee surgeries. Oh, my God, dude. And I mean I got her when I first started doing this podcast How big is she? 140 Yeah that's a big dog She's had five knee surgeries

Oh my god dude Yeah That's fucking expensive too Oh you have no idea I do have an idea I bet you do Yeah I had a female pit bull That had two ACL reconstructions

She had both of her back legs done Yeah She blew one out I got it fixed She blew the other one out. I had to get that fixed too. And with a dog, they shave the bone down. They don't like reconstruct it where they add like another ligament.

They shave the bone down so it doesn't – so it like sits on it differently, so it locks in place, so it doesn't pop off and go like out of socket or whatever the fuck it is. But, yeah, it's fucking like 10 grand a pop, right? I mean, I'm not going to tell everyone how much because they would stop liking me in a minute. They'd be like, what kind of fucking Hollywood idiot are you? You just kill a dog like that. But she got one ACL and then we fixed it. Then while this one's healing and it's turning good, the other ACL goesl and then we fixed it then the uh then while this one's healing it's

turning good the other acl goes out so we fix that one we're like all right we're done and then as this one's healing this one goes out again and they're like and that's when they're like do you want to put it down and i'm like no man i i'm fucking it was like five grand a pop i think and then and then it's it even adds up more because then they're like we should keep her here while this while she's healing to do it and then feed her it even adds up more because then they're like we should keep her here while this while she's Healing to do it and then I need her diamonds. Yeah, and then they realize as they're doing this one That something's wrong with her kneecap and then they realize she's got you know It's over breeding in her breath in her breed that her kneecaps are bad. So they fix this one this one

Replace both her kneecaps and then one more goes out and they're like, all right Replace both their kneecaps And then one more goes out And they're like Alright But man That dog is The greatest Fucking dog

Mastiffs are amazing They're some of my favorite dogs ever They're so chill Dude The sweetest dog Like gets up in bed with you In the morning And just puts her face

Right up on you And just does one of those Big cow breaths Like And you're like Oh I'm here. They're so relaxed too. They're just a different kind of dog.

Very relaxed. And I feel comfortable when I go on the road, I feel comfortable knowing there's a 140 pound animal that would give its life for my daughters. It's one of the, one of our dogs sleeps on one of our daughter's beds. One of our dogs sleeps, Priscilla sleeps in George's bed. And I go, I'm good. No one's coming in anywhere. No one's breaking in anything.

Yeah. I got a buddy who was a German Shepherd, a police dog. And it's one of those dogs that he has to be with all the time and train all the time. Yeah. But this dog, it's a disturbing thing to have because you basically have an assassin that lives with you that's just waiting for orders, just waiting. Yeah.

My buddy's got a German Shepherd that he hasn't quite figured out yet. Oh. You can't work a full-time job and just leave that thing alone in the yard. You just can't. They're intense dogs. They're intense. And they're smart as fuck. You can't work a full-time job and just leave that thing alone in the yard. You just can't. They're intense dogs. They're intense.

And they're smart as fuck. So in a weird way, it's like dealing with a complicated chick. You're like, I know you have daddy issues, but I can't really figure them out. And I'm not spending a lot of time with you. You can't fix them. You could train a dog. Try training a woman. Fuck. Get out of here.

You can't. If you meet someone, I don't hear a woman or a man. You meet someone who's completely fucking crazy, you got to get out of there. You training a woman. Fuck. Get out of here. You can't, if you meet someone, I don't hear a woman or a man. You meet someone who's completely fucking crazy. You got to get out of there. You got to go. You can't just, I want to fix him. We know a lot of people that try to fix them. Like Brian Cowan, when I first met him, I was always trying to fix these crazy girls.

And I was like, dude, you got to save yourself. You got to save yourself, man. You can't fix someone. You can't. I remember the day I decided I would never fix a chick again. It was a one-night stand, and I came in like 15 seconds. And I told her, I said, hey, I came. And then I was about to say, give me a second.

Let me reboot, and we'll go back at it. But she was on top of me. She goes, are you fucking kidding me? And she punched the wall. She goes, you got to learn how to fuck. You need wall. She goes, you got to learn how to fuck. You need to read a book or get online and learn how to fuck. And I gently rolled out of bed and I was like, I think you need to go home. I was like, this isn't happening anymore.

And then she was like, excuse me? And I was like, listen, I'm not your boyfriend and I'm not your fucking husband. And what I just saw, I'm not going to be able to help. And she was like, and then you can see it in her eyes. Like, I got to get'm not gonna be able to help and she was like and then you can see in her eyes like I gotta get on a train and go to Brooklyn she was like yeah and they started getting pissed by the way I'm in my kitchen now in New York condom still on I go to the I'm this is how it tapped out I go grab a beer out of the refrigerator still naked condom on start drinking a beer my roommate Weechel walks out he's like what the fuck I go I got it handled don't worry about it walk her to the fucking door walk her to the door this might be

the most beautiful moment of my walk her to the door and she's like are you fucking serious are you fucking like in my face and she goes you're pathetic you're fucking like tries to humiliate me and I go listen I fucked you and came I. And she looks at me and goes like this and goes like this, goes like this. And I flinch so fucking hard. I go, and we both start laughing. She started laughing, too. Oh, we both start laughing immediately, and then she just smiles and goes, it's 4 in the fucking morning in my apartment building,

and she goes, Bert Kreischer can't fuck, and starts banging on doors. I'm like, alright, this is over. Take the charge. What a good catch. Keep her number? Follow her on Facebook? Occasionally check in and see where she's in jail? Oh no.

You want to hear a really great story? So before I fucked her one night I jacked off in front of her. not in a louis way but like we both masturbate oh poor louis we both masturbated in front of each other in my apartment i think we're doing coke and like candles lit and glass of wine and she's like i just want to like it was cool it's playful and fun and we get done and she's like hey just so you know you can't tell anyone about this.

And I was like, no, because she knew a bunch of comics in New York. I go, I won't tell Sol. I won't tell Sol. She's like, promise? I go, I swear to God, so the next day.

Do you tell everyone? Nope. So the next day, I'm walking to the Boston Comedy Club and Rich Boss is out smoking a cigarette. I go, what's up? And he goes, heard you have jacked off

in front of Jennifer last night. I was like, what? And he goes, me too. She needed off in front of Jennifer last night. Oh, no. I was like, what? And he goes, me too. She needed a ride home from Brooklyn one time. Fucking boss. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. God, those were the days.

Those were the days. If you could go back to one point in your stand-up career, for one year, you've got to live one year in your stand-up career. You can't pick right now where you are right now but you got to go back to one point when one year every day you show up and it's either like the store 97 when you're meeting ari and everyone and you and duncan duncan's living on your couch or what i don't know what year that was but around then or you go to the part where it's that i mean probably one of the more interesting parts is like when you get banned from the store from them and see a shit and you're like literally like, fuck it.

Like, I'm a man on a mission. Fuck. Like, that's one of the more interesting parts in your story, in your life, in my opinion, is when everyone fucking backed out on you and you were like, no, I don't go out like that, motherfuckers. And you just start fucking building. What year would you pick? I would pick the early days. I'd pick like when I was just starting to get work In Boston? Yeah it was like a middle act

I'd pick those days doing weird shitty road gigs you know early 20s careless no responsibilities no worries nothing. Didn't even have a credit card had nothing yeah those were the good days in a lot of ways it's not that today's not awesome today's way better

for sure but what was good about those days is that there's so there's so much wild and freeness there's so much you know like i remember one time I did this gig in Maine. And then after the gig, I met this girl. We had a couple drinks. We're hanging out. We're both like the same age. I think I was probably 22, 23. She's probably somewhere around the same age, 22, 23.

And we're just young, and it's the summertime. And we hung out, and we wind up banging in my car i had like a honda cord and one and we didn't even go in the back seat because there was really barely a back seat right we like folded down the front seat flat and then the windows rolled down we're just sitting there hanging out and laughing and i remember having this unique moment where I realized like, this is not going to be my life forever. I'm never I'm not going to be 22 years old, with like $100 in the bank, not knowing what I'm doing, not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what the future holds, but yet, okay with it. Like, you can only be okay with that for a certain amount of years. When you're 45 and you have $100 in the bank and you don't know what you're doing, your career is not really established, you don't really have a clear path, that's scary.

That's dangerous. It feels like you're a loser. You feel pathetic. You feel like you haven't done what you need to do. There's a certain amount of discipline that you haven't taken part in, and because of that, your life is chaotic. Whereas when you're 22 and that's happening, it's like that Bob Seger song. You know, like, what was that Bob Seger song? Ramblin' Ramblin' Man?

No. I don't remember which one. You know, he's got a lot of songs about it. Night Moves? Maybe it's like a rock. Maybe it's Night Moves. But the idea that you're recognizing that this is a unique moment in your youth, that it's all, like, who knows what's going to happen.

I mean, you might die in a car accident tomorrow. Who knows? You might never make it as a comedian. You might take a job somewhere, and you might always have regret. But right now you're having fun. Right now you're basically just a couple of years out of high school. And, you know, you did a comedy gig. And now you're meeting some pretty girl.

And you guys are laughing. And you're hanging out. And you're having a good time. And it's summer. And the windows roll down. And the air is warm. And it's just there's something. It was something amazing about it those days were

fascinating men and greg and i fit simmons and i did a shit ton of gigs together we we worked together a lot back in those days because we started out within a week of each other we were open micers at the exact same time and we did a ton of gigs together yeah we basically we traveled all over the place together we did a lot of gigs in Rhode Island and all over the place all the Massachusetts hell gigs we did all those things together and what we we still do this day we'll look back and laugh at those days hey uh Jamie um Gerard Carmichael is at the wrong spot tell Jeff to get on the ball. Those days were, they're just real unique in that you really have no idea. You have no idea. You have no idea what the fuck the future holds.

It's a completely different experience. Your life is a completely different experience than it will ever be ever again. And I remember that. I remember that moment. I don't know why it's that one night with one girl that I never talked to again. And I just, I remember that. I remember that moment. I don't know why it's that one night with one girl that I never talked to again, you know? Yeah. Because back then you'd have to call someone. They'd have to be home. Like in 1990, they had to be home. Yeah. You call them on the phone. If they weren't home, you're like, well, I guess they're not home. You know, it's like, it wasn't, it wasn't wasn't like today you know you could text someone or you

can email them or nope you had to call them at their house there's a few of those a few of those that i remember yeah you know i thought yeah those the the idea that you didn't have phones like i remember i remember road trips with tom and we just would talk for fucking hours right hours we talked a whole we talked we drove to sacramento one would talk for fucking hours. We talked a whole... We drove to Sacramento one time, talked for five hours there, ten hours you spend with a human being. No one's on their phone. Yeah. There's something

real about that, right? I think we're definitely missing something. We're definitely missing something with these phones. But then we're gaining something too. We're gaining a lot more information. I'll tell you what my kids haven't lit anyone on fire like we did that when we were kids with no phones we lit a kid on fire one time just because we were bored yeah yeah yeah i don't know man there's good and bad it's

like it balances out i guess but if you had to go back to any time in your comedy career when would you go when i just just, right when I first started headlining. Like right when, like that first time I just had kids, they were young, I was making $1,300 a week on the road, and I was so passionate about stand-up. I was kind of pretty

hacky, I bet, but like, I just would give everything, every night. You do six shows, Thursday through Sundayay and i'd fly in early for press and i get excited to do press and i come in and i just be like and i had my notebook with me all the time and i was like i just every idea was like a brand new field like you felt like you were really just it was not like you just discovered the internet and every page had so much to offer and then and then i think i got into when I got oddly enough when I got into travel channel stuff

I kind of just kind of it kind of took a second back seat and I and I was headlining I was like yeah yeah I can do this confidently and I think I'm there now like right now I feel like I'm back to this place where I go like I'm just writing so fucking much where I'm like oh god like everything like I feel like everything. That's the thing that happens when you have to do a special every couple of years when you're filming. The one thing that definitely happens is you're forced into this creativity. You're forced to. Whereas we're both aware of those people that don't write and they sit around for a long

time with the same material and then it goes year after year after year. And then it gets staler and staler and flatter. Or the kind of people that write the exact same joke next year. Their hours, the same hours, just they say it differently. Like that was, for me, I took this hour so fucking seriously. I took it, like I was saying to someone the other day, I did 150 sets. I performed that hour 150 times before I did it on Netflix or before I did it in the truck. I did it 150 times.

I did the math. I went, wow, man, I like, and I rearranged it. Like that working an hour and figuring out where to place stuff and figuring out why, where stuff should go. I'm obsessive about that. Where'd you film? In the Trocadero. Oh, nice. Two shows. It was fucking, it that. Where'd you film? In the Trocadero. Oh, nice.

Two shows. It was fucking, it was, I mean, the second show was a dream. That's a great spot. I lowered the stage so that I'm in the audience. I put a half moon in there so it wasn't just a little plank. No smoke machine. I'd seen everyone had smoke machines. I didn't want a smoke machine.

And I think it really paid off. This sounds silly and you won't notice this when you watch a special, because that place is so old there's little particles of dust everywhere and you can almost see them in the back it looks like it's like little stars in the back i love it i love particles of dust really yeah it looks badass it looks fucking badass what is your writing process like do you write stuff out on paper do you write it on a computer? How do you do it? I write, I don't sit and long hand anything anymore because it just, it, I ended up losing so much. I just, it just doesn't help. So what I do is if I see something or if something happens, it's usually something happens to me. And then I go, Oh, that's the bit. And I'll write it in my phone and I'll just put it in my phone

or I'll write, and I'll also write it in my book because I bring my book with me on stage and I'll go to my book and I'll see the one word thing. And I, and you know, I say I tell stories and I'll also write it in my book because I bring my book with me on stage and I'll go to my book and I'll see the one word thing and I say I tell stories and I know I'm known for telling like 12 minute stories but like most of my stories are a little tighter now and what I'm writing is a little tighter so I kind of work it out on stage mostly but I record every set

I then go through the recordings writing a lot on stage and I'll write down like fuck'm like, fuck, that's funny. Even stupid, silly lines. And so that's the part where I... And then once I get it like that, then I just... Then I record it again,

and I find the parts where the silence is, or where I'm lazy, where I go, oh, I need something. I can't just go, suck my dick! And that's the punchline. But yeah, I record it, I write it, but I don't longhand write it. It just doesn't work for me. So when you say you write it, how are you writing it? Are you just writing bullet points?

Yeah, so I'll write bullet points. I'm trying to think of the – okay, so the joke – my best joke I'm telling right now, without a doubt, is about – it's kind of about you. But it's not about you at all. But the opening thing was just some, and the only part I'll tell you is, I went into a Starbucks and I thought I was getting recognized. And a young black kid behind the counter came up to me. He's like, dude, like, oh my God. And I'm like, yeah.

And he's like, I'm a huge fan of Joe Rogan's. I was like, oh. And so then, so then me and him had an interaction, and I made him laugh. And I went, oh, that was funny. So then the next day, I came back and I made him laugh again, and I went, oh, I know where this is. So then I write it out, and I figure it out. And then the next – that other interaction was so big, I realized, oh, I needed three of those. So then I'll punch it out but I and I and I find

the things that make it rhythmic and the things like for me things that catch an audience is like I go and then he fell down and then when he the moment said something he gets up leans up like it's almost the rhythm of the way to say it for me before along with the joke that makes definitely the case like if someone's a really good storyteller, there's a whole thing going on. There's a physical thing going on. There's a rhythm thing going on. Stan Hope is really good at rhythm. When jokes he says, it's easier for me to talk about Stan Hope than about myself.

But when he's talking about ISIS and how they recruit people, and it's identical to how he recruits people. And he goes, ISIS, I'm working this corner. That phrasing, a good phrase for me. Burr does it amazingly. Burr does it amazingly. What does he say he does that's similar to ISIS? He was watching a video. This is on his special, so I'm not putting any jokes out.

This is on his special. He talks about how ISIS goes online and finds pathetic young men who can't get laid and have drinking and drug problems. And then they bring them in and they show them a good time and they get them drunk. And he's like, that's how I recruit people. And the line is so great. He's like, ISIS, I'm working this corner. It's such a great old Barker's technique. He's got the weirdest fucking life ever.

I mean, he's basically got a little cult going on in Arizona. He wants to do Sober October. What? Come on. Is he going to take the yoga classes? Yeah. We should make him. We should rent a house for him in LA so we give him incentive to come here.

I've been trying to get him to move back here forever. I'm like, what are you doing with your little cult down there? Come on, man. Come hang out at the store. Because he hung out at the store a couple nights. He's like, this place is incredible. It's amazing. I go, it's amazing.

I go, this is Valhalla. This is the craziest. In terms of what I've experienced, this is the craziest era of stand-up ever. And the store is the epicenter. I'm like, you should be here all the time. He's like, I don't know. I go, what do you mean you don't know? You're Doug fucking Stanhope.

Get in here, man. I go, just get an apartment near here. It would be great if he was here for all October. God, we could just talk him into staying. I'm like, why don't you get a place here and there? You're a wealthy man of leisure. Do whatever you want. I called him up one night. It's like 5 o'clock at night. And I was like, bullshit. And I

go, what you up to? And this is why I love Doug. He goes, I'm having grapefruit and vodka, having a cigarette, trying to think of some goofs. I go, what? He goes, I'm trying to rework knock-knock jokes. I'm trying to rework knock-knock jokes. I'm trying to make knock-knock jokes present. Like, let me roll one by you. And he tells me his version of a knock-knock joke. And it's so fucking funny. And I go, Doug, how old are you?

He's like, oh, 49, 50. And you're just sitting in your pajamas writing goofs. And he goes, that's our life. I was like, fuck yes. Yeah, that's his life. My daughters will see me doing it where I'm like, we're out to dinner and something will happen and I'll just be like, like mouthing to myself and I'm working the bit. Yeah.

And they're like, are you writing a joke right now? And I'm like, yeah, sorry. I get up and run. I get out of the room. Oh, for real? I'll be right back. Be right back. Be right back.

Oh, really? It leaves me alone. Yeah. No, I. I have an idea. If I have an idea and anybody gets in there, the idea will escape. It'll slip away. Like, if I have an idea, especially kids, like young kids, they just start talking.

Like, they just start, and then they demand your attention. And, like, you have to... To capture a bit, you have to have silence. Like, you can't have people talking at you, or you'll consider what they're saying. Like, oh, really? Yeah. And then what was I just thinking of? Shit.

It'll go away. Yeah. So I treat those things like they're gold. Like if I have an idea and it's a real idea, like a real idea where I get excited, I'm like, oh shit. I run. I get up. I get up off the table.

Right back. Right back. Got to go. Got an idea. And, you know, people were not into that and don't get creativity and don't write or don't do stand-up it'll weird them out oh yeah and you have to come back and apologize like sorry i just had an idea and i had to capture it in the moment i just have to write it down oh i'll show it to him on my phone like look i had to write oh i'm a daydreamer i literally i literally

will sit and just talk in the middle of dinner with my family and just talk something out just be like so you can hold it while you're talking to them about other shit oh i don't know i've I literally will sit in the middle of dinner with my family and just talk something out. So you can hold it while you're talking to them about other shit? Oh, I don't know. I tap everyone out. I tap everyone out. I tell my Uber drivers, hey, man, I'm not crazy. I'm a comic.

And I just sit and I'll work a bit out like this. Like, I got high as fuck the other night. I got high as fuck the other night. This is before the triathlon because I wasn't smoking pot up and or no no it's before the triathlon i walked in and uh i walked in the house i was way too high i was coming back from the store i guess and uh i walk in the kitchen and my bull mastiff is putting away the silverware what yeah she's got elbow on the counter putting away the silverware putting away the silverware that's what i said and she looks at me like are you gonna fucking help and then i realized oh she's eating a cake on the counter but i was so high and then a dog was eating a cake on the counter like just up on the with hand stabilizing and just going oh and i

started laughing so hard that my brain thought it was silverware that I was like, oh, I walked right out to the man cave and Joe, I must've stood there for an hour trying to write that bit. Like just going, I don't know. Did you take the cake away from the dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a coffee cake. It was a coffee cake.

We were fine. Actually, I went up and helped her eat it a little bit. She looked at me and she's like, we're doing this together. I was like, yeah, we're running a train, bitch. And so, but I went into the man cave and I just was talking to my wife came back and I'm, I'm standing in the man cave just going like just hands moving like and then i was like oh i walked in she's doing like my wife's like or what's are you going to bed and i was like i'm sorry i'm in the middle of a bit she's like all right and just left yeah i'll

jump up in the middle of the night yeah if i have a bit that's in my head and i'm in bed, I've said to myself before, I'll remember that. And I never do. Never fucking remember it. Never. Never. Occasionally, one out of a hundred times, I'll be like taking a leak and I'll go, oh, yeah. And then I'll remember it. Yeah. Those jokes are slippery.

Like Neil Brennan said it best. He said that he thinks of his notebook as like a net for catching ideas. I'm like, ooh, I like that. Yeah. And it's a good way of looking at it. He said that he thinks of his notebook as like a net for catching ideas. I'm like, ooh, I like that. Yeah. And it's a good way of looking at it. You got to have something on you at all times because something happens all the time. Yeah.

Where you're like. Well, the phone is the best, man. Dude. I don't know if you use the dictation feature. No. You ever do that? I won't ever listen to it. No, no, no. With notes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just talk and it'll voice to text. notes oh yeah yeah yeah just talk and it'll it'll uh voice to text uh on the plane last night uh or wherever i was yesterday night i was trying to type in white supremacist and it came up white supreme hoodie and i thought oh that's funny that you'd try to like i don't i wanted i ordered a white supremacist hoodie on accident like and so then you just i just there's nothing to it right now but i wrote it and i go all right well we got that in the pocket yeah i got them all you never know wipe the fuck up i just heard someone say that you ever have i have hundreds of them that never did anything so i'll go over through them like sometimes if i'm stale i'll just go scrolling

through them i go what do i got here what do i got here what do i got here oh yeah i never tried that and one of those i never tried i I tried last night at the Ice House. And there's something there. There's something there. It's not good yet. But it's a seed. There's something there. And you've got to water those seeds.

And you've got to take chances with them. And you've got to know how many of those dud seeds you can plant in a set while people are sitting there paying attention. You've got to give them real bits, too. Bro. But you've got to also have like last night anybody came to the show hope you had a good time but i had a four at least four solid duds in there i'm just trying i don't know where i'm going with them and then i go places i'm like jesus what are you even saying like why it's so extreme that's i i will go at the end of

my so like i'll work everything that's working. Right now I got about 52 new minutes. Damn, that was quick. From when? From when I shot my special. How many months ago? Shot it in February. Wow. Yeah. I got 52 minutes now that I am. Why are they spending that much

time before they show it? I don't know. That's a long ass time shot in February March April May June August six months I guess that's right yeah Eliza's a little shorter but not much but just like a month maybe we shot ours on the same day and so like that's great though you already have 50 minutes I just I'm back like I'm I'm just in it I like it I'm where'm where I'm at. I mean, it's also my thing It's like the only thing I got that's what's making me money. So yeah, that's where my eggs are

I just it's so much better than working for the Travel Channel. You have no fucking I remember when you were doing it I was telling you like Bert you're a funny guy, man You you could be making a living doing comedy and not not having these bosses and be on roller coasters every weekend. And biting your tongue. Remember I used to smoke weed in here and you guys have to move the cameras? You have to hide the weed. I don't remember that. God, that was so crazy. But that's what happens with one of those gigs.

Yeah. Howie Mandel went on stage at the Laugh Factory once and he was talking about how scared he was that he could say something on stage and someone could tell his bosses, because he does a family show, and that he could say something on stage and someone could tell his bosses, because he does a family show, and that he could get fired. And I was like, wow. Like, you're a comic. Like, he's Howie Mandel. Dude, when I was just coming up, just starting, he already had specials.

And they were really funny. He was really fucking funny back then man dude how he back in the day some of his early cds really hilarious shit but and he's still funny yeah i mean still a funny guy he's always going to be a funny guy but when i was watching him say that i was like that is the craziest thing i've ever heard he's worried about getting fired for saying something on stage like saying fuck in his act or talking about something in his act that someone deems too inappropriate for a family show.

And he can lose this gig. Like America's Got Talent. What is he on? America's Got Talent? Is that what he's on? The Wall or something? Can you imagine wanting that gig? Dude, I can't.

I can't. I travel channel. I mean, I'm not. Travel channel came back very recently and asked me if I'd come back. And they're like, tell us whatever you want to do. And part of me was like, I think I'm doing it. Like, I have a Netflix special. I have my podcast.

I have a solo podcast. I've got Something's Burning. You're always on the road doing stand-up. Yeah, I love writing. I mean, I'm writing faster and better now than I've ever written. And this special, I mean, the best compliment I've ever gotten is Tom watched it and was like, I had tears in my eyes. And it's you. It's not, this is you.

It's who you are. And I was like, man, fucking, I wish you worked for the New York fucking Times. Like, that is the greatest comment. But, yeah, like, what am I going to to – I mean I talked to Jamie about it after. I was like I don't mind shooting content, making free content, putting it out on my own watch. Like going to swim with orcas in Norway and me shooting it and doing it. Or me and you going spearfishing in Miami and covering it and shoot it and editing it so that it's badass music. And I don't even care if it's monetized, but it's something that people watch and are like, fuck, that's badass.

I don't mind doing any of that. But to do something with someone else giving me notes and telling me how I should behave. Well, not only that, the Travel Channel is super conservative, right? Well, they got bought by Discovery, so they're loosening up a lot. Oh, weren't they owned by some Christian network or something like that? The previous owners were Scripps and they were very faith-based. Faith-based. And so like, you know, I think

that's... Chick-fil-A. They're owned by Chick-fil-A. Fuck, man. So yeah, it's nice to know that you go, like you say something fucked up on stage and your only repercussion is the one chick that's like, that was fucked up. And you're like, yeah, I know. I took a chance.

Yeah, I rolled the dice, guys. I didn't even know what I was saying before I said it. No, it's beautiful to see you working so hard and getting things done, and also doing that with your running and the marathons and the Spartan race shit. You're fucking doing shit, man. You're getting after it. It's great, man.

It's great to see. It's great to see. You know, it's great to see you put together this special and work so hard at it. You know, it's great. I mean, we're in a real cool time right now. Like, everybody's kind of killing it. I think so. I look at what everyone's doing, and they're all doing it on their own pace. Yeah, it's awesome.

Like, you look at Ari, and he's, like, texting me and Big J and Sal, and he's like, Yo, you guys want to go skiing and do a show to pay for it and then we're all like yeah he's like all right these are the dates yeah just so you know we will be watching the Super Bowl together yeah no he's killing it in his own way you know everybody's killing it in their own way it's really fascinating it's it's it's interesting you know it's it's true autonomy it's what you know it's like you know when we all started doing this podcast with you and showing up at your house the little things you would see we'd be like like i remember tom was saying something about

remember sitting on that couch yeah he's still on the couch you just be backing it and you'd be like sunk in and high as terrible terrible couch for doing podcasts. Oh, God. That was Ari's couch at his house. For real? For a long time. Yeah, I gave it to him. Yeah, after I got it out of my podcast studio, I had it shipped over to Ari, and then he used it as his couch,

and then I think he sold it online. Really? Sold it online, right? On eBay, I think, yeah. There's parts of that old podcast I missed. Do you remember your landline would ring all the time? All the time, yeah. I love that.

How about my kids when they were real little? When they were like two, they'd be screaming in the background like someone would stub their toe. Yeah. And they'd be crying. You would hear it in the background. That was a fun fucking time, man. I had a lot of people come to my house, though, and it was weird.

It was cool when Bourdain was over or Jim Jeffries is over, but every now and then I'd have someone over. I'd be like, I don't even know if I like this guy in my house. Some fucking weirdo who I brought on the podcast and now they've been to my house. It was too intimate. That's why my podcast is still at my house. And we're talking about Tom's doing it. And he's like, I can't just have these people in my house.

Right. And so I want to get a studio. What's Tom going to do? I don't want to tell everyone Tom's doing it. And he's like, you know, I can't just have these people in my house. Right. And so I want to get a studio. What's Tom going to do? I mean, I don't want to tell everyone Tom's business, but I think he's probably pretty open. But he's going to, like, he's going out. He's going big. He's going to do what you're doing on probably a smaller level. He wants to start shooting stuff and making, like, his own branded content that's just Tom Segura.

His sense of humor, him and Push. Do their podcast out of there. Do her podcast out of there, make shows. What we should do is we should get another space and build it up just like this space and have one that's got like four studios in it. And a bunch of us can use them and you just pay a certain amount of rent per month.

Man, that's where I'm at. I look at, and Jamie and I talked for a little bit before you got here, but like, you know, men's health covered this, but I shot the whole fucking thing. Like shot all of it I shot the Spartan race and edited it and it's fun for me like I shot the whole thing I just went around and set up a camera go do the event grab the camera set up the camera do the thing give a camera to Mike Bertolino do the thing and I did that with the marathon covered the whole fucking thing on my phone

it's like if I could get myself a junior fucking editor bro I'll put out content every day throw out the bat signal put it on your Instagram just say you know I think I just threw it out you definitely just did but you really want to make sure they're not crazy

that's the hard part cause you get some dude integrated into your life and they turn out to be insane Cause uh Didn't David Spade His guy He had an assistant His assistant tasered him

In the middle of the fucking night Someone threw a phone At their assistant Who did that Someone else did David Spade That was a girl Threw a phone at their assistant

That guy got broken To David Spade's house And tasered him In the middle of the fucking night How bad must he be to work for for real i mean it has to be i'm not saying that it was justified i'm not saying that oh but come on man something something had to be fucked up do you know for a fact that when they were doing the break i do i love davis bay i'm not sh you know for a fact that when they were doing the break...

I love David Spade. I'm not shitting on him, but you know when they were doing the breakdown, the police officers were talking to David Spade. They're like... You did nothing, huh? Like, how many... Does he pick up your laundry? Yeah.

How long has he been working for you? How many coffees do you drink a day? Yeah. What was it that you said? I love that that's your takeaway. How rough... Dude, I got to wrap this up, unfortunately, because I got Gerard here.

I found that cartoon. Oh, yeah, let's wrap it up with this. Listen, Bert Kreischer, Secret Time, this Friday. Is it Thursday night at midnight? Thursday night at midnight, August 24th. Thursday night, midnight viewing party. That's tonight, you fucks. So tonight at midnight, it airs.

Secret Time on Netflix. Ready to, you fucks. So tonight at midnight, it airs Secret Time on Netflix. Ready to blow the fuck up. I'm in Irvine this weekend. I'll start next weekend. But yeah, check out Secret Time. Thank you, Joe. Love you, brother. Thank you. Bert Kreischer, here we go. Fucking Tom. This is so funny.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is so funny. I'm about to pass out that's actually probably better than anything they're gonna come up with how much money does he have that he's making his own trailers for months he's balling

balling bitches thanks brother that was awesome that was really