The Joe Rogan Experience - #1177 - Sober October 2

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

Joe is joined by Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura to discuss the challenge for Sober October 2.

five four three two one dude it seemed like we just did this it does feel like pretty recent how was it a year ago i don't know i don't know it's already october i'm scared let's just fucking spark up a joint what no it's fat blunts one of them backwoods smell one of these backwoods these are so good just smell backwoods. These are so good. Just smell it. Just smell it. Whoa. Yeah. You know, everyone was commenting on your blunt rolling technique after the Elon Musk thing. Oh, I don't roll them.

I know. They were like, I knew that. And they were like, oh, what is he? He can barely roll a blunt. I was like, it's professionally rolled. It's a pretty good blunt. You can't read those comments. That does smell good, man. That smells so good.

They taste good, too. Those are phenomenal. I'm a, man. That smells so good. They taste good, too. Those are phenomenal. I'm a blunt man. I know it's probably bad for your lungs, but there's something about the tobacco gets you a little high up, and then the marijuana sort of like spreads you out, and it puts you in like a new dimension. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm going to get blitzkrieged after Halloween, kids. Oh, yeah.

Imagine how high you'll get, too, after 30 days off. I remember last year. Last year, I did comedy. I had no idea what I was talking about. While I was on stage, I was like, oh, my God, there's 400 people in this room. I don't even know what I'm saying. I almost thought of bringing in all my marijuana and booze in here like in the Old West when you had to turn in your guns and just dump them on the table

because I have so much marijuana it's ridiculous. I know, it's crazy. We got a stack of whiskey over there and then we got another cabinet full in the back. You could get fucked up hard here in this place. We're going to get ripped on the first.

Remember when we did the podcast on the day back? Those were fun shit. shit those are so much more fun when he's high Scary and grumpy when he's sober. He's such a grouchy dog He gets like legit angry like he could joke around about anything when he's high when he smokes weed But then when he's not smoking weed you like wait wait wait. Are you fucking serious? It's upset. Do you remember when you texted the three? Is's like Ari, I don't think you're doing the right classes Do you remember the meltdown? I said I think you're gonna have to do them again

Obviously I'm fucking joking around You called me a liar! Say I'm a liar! Say I'm a liar to my face! Didn't he call? I love you! He called you right? He called you upset. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was upset. I don't remember if we texted or called, but I go, Ari, I love you. I'm just joking. I'm sure you do. One thing about Ari is, this is one thing that you could say after all the welching

talking, all the nonsense. Ari has rock solid ethics. Yeah, yeah. Rock solid. Yes, he does. Like, if Ari says he's going to do something, he does it. Like, so if I'm fucking with him and saying, I don't think you're doing it. Yeah.

Like, I don't really mean it. Right, right. You're just kind of, you're poking at him. Right. So if you're out there, Ari, and you hear this, I'm only fucking around. I know you're doing it. He came. But I'm not talking to you for the next 31 days.

It's too dangerous. He came to our class For that last one He was like This is so much easier Than my class I can't believe you questioned How hard my class was The one we did in Encino?

Yes He was like This is so easy Compared to what I've been doing In New York Look it's all easy If you go easy I guess

It's all how you do it If you do hot yoga And you go 100% Every pose It's fucking hard as shit It doesn't matter Who's teaching It's hard

There's this guy That I go to yoga with Is it vodka? No it's water 100% I pose. It's fucking hard as shit. It doesn't matter who's teaching. Yeah, it's hard. There's this guy that I go to yoga with. Yeah, for sure. No, it's water. 100%. I have a drinking problem, legit drinking. He needs water. Okay. There's this guy that I go to yoga with who is, he's, it seems like he just doesn't ever

go 100%. He's sort of just kind of like, you know how you put your arms above your head? He always does this. He's never doing this where he's fully stretched out, extended, his palms connected. When you do that, it's hard. And if you just kind of half-ass every pose and do this, yeah, you can get through a 90-minute class. You're not doing the same thing as other people.

If you go to a group training class somewhere, you can see people and there's like that 63-year-old lady who's like doing it with you. She's half-assing underneath. She's on her knees. She's like, this is hard. Talking at a normal rate. You're like, you're not doing it. I got in trouble with my CrossFit class

because I was just getting pissed. I was throwing up every day. I was throwing up every single day. I was also drinking a coffee right before it started. So I was throwing up coffee every single day. And one day I just snapped. I go, hey, the black guy's not doing his burpees. The black guy.

That's what they said, Joe. That's what they said. They go, hey, man, we don't talk like that. He's got a name. I go, I don't know it, but I'm pointing to him. He's not doing his burpees. Why do you care? And then the joke I made out of it was, hey, Wendell, the gay guy says I can't call you the black guy, but you're not doing your fucking burpees.

I'm the gay guy. I can't call you the black guy, but you're not doing your fucking burpees. I'm the gay guy. I might go back to CrossFit. I like the idea that we're doing this in a general heart rate sense because you can sprinkle it in. I want to go to a spin class. You definitely can. And by the way, that is how, if you want to get a real bump in those points, it's about a bump in heart rate, sustained accelerated heart rate.

So a spin class is going to get you a bunch. You know what I mean? It's not like Joe, I don't know if you know this, he's like a way better athlete than you, but it doesn't mean that. Actually, we put a pin in that. It doesn't mean that he'll automatically beat us because he's in better physical condition. You can actually beat him if you're going to push it

all the time. What is it in your brain that makes you do that? Because we just looked at your MEPs and you burned a thousand calories. Is there some sort of... I talked to Pat McAfee one time. He said it's about explosivity. It's about rape and murder. My head's filled with it. Stopping rapists and stopping murderers

and killing child molesters. That's what I think about. Killing bad people. When you work out? Yeah. That's what I do when I get tired. If I get tired, I think about saving someone I care about. I think about stopping someone who's trying to murder someone I love.

That's what I think about. I love your face. I'm not kidding. Bert's face. I think about my second wife. I think about protecting people I care about. Didn't you tell me one time, if it's hard, you'll go pretend like someone's trying to kill me? Yeah.

Yeah. So you're like pretending. Yeah. I don't have words for that. That's what you got to do. Because that's, look, if you think about worst case scenario you're tired and someone's trying to kill someone you care about and you don't have enough energy to stop them but do you think you learned that switch in like uh taekwondo or not taekwondo uh yeah i learned it from martial

arts for sure yeah yeah for sure yeah yeah because that's the scariest place you could ever be like the scariest place you could be is life and death so like just putting yourself and oh i just want to lose weight okay good yeah that's good but that's not you're not going to save yourself like you got you got to put yourself in like animalistic fury that's how you got you got to put yourself you got to put yourself in this state of just 100% effort. I was pegged at like 180, 177 beats per minute for the last 35 minutes. That's really great. You've got to do it. See, that David Goggins guy got in my head with just embrace the suck.

I can get there. Like doing the marathon, I just go, this there where I go and just like, like doing the marathon. I just go, this is where I'm going to be for the next five and a half hours. This is where I'm at. And this is what I'm doing. And I can,

I can wrap my head around that. I don't know if I can wrap my head around, like, I don't know the explosivity of it and going like, I'm going to save my family and then getting, but that might not work for you, but there still could be a different tactic that works for you. You know what I mean?

Like, no, no, no. I meant, even like that going that fucking hard to where your body is completely giving out there's part of me that goes hey man what are we doing here you know like you know when i'm working out i go that's really fucking hard well you got you definitely have to protect your health right like the last you want to be doing this and having a heart attack that's that's always my fear is i go easy buddy yeah easy buddy's a good

way to look at it yeah but i've been doing that kind of working out forever that's how i work out yeah that's you've always go crazy yeah i go crazy don't you ever think have you ever thought about someone who like really disrespected you right before you lift you know i mean like right before i said that's all that happens online you can't read that shit it's open up my comments you don't ever i've gone to like a moment you know where you're like i wish i would have cracked that dude in the face and then right before right before it's set no i have not and i know i'm definitely know what i want i know who i'm thinking about i'm gonna try it all right don't say any names yeah what does he rhyme with in order to like just really get yourself into that place you know you don't have to think about something that's terrifying and negative but to me that's

like that's the ultimate position that where you're gonna need energy this is so silly that when the best shape i've ever been in is when I met my wife. I was 186 pounds. Damn. Yeah, dude, I look You must be shredded. Jamie, type in Skinny Burt. I've seen those pictures. Yeah, yeah. You almost had a six pack. Almost. Three pack. And I had like side muscle. Yeah, a little oblique. I'm going for that

this month. I'm really going hard. You can do it. I'm going hard this month. I said to Jamie, I made a deal with myself. Every day I'm going to do 50 air squats and 50 push-ups. I was going to do 100. Look at that! Look at Skinny Bert. Damn, dude. I was joke-pot posing. But you were a fucking stud. That was when I was

in spin class. Look how skinny your face is. Your face was super skinny after last year's Sober October. That photo that you posted that you sent to us. Look at my skinny face. I'm going back. I'm going hard this month. I really am. And I'm going to,

because I'm going to enjoy it. Last month, I think, last time I did it was out of spite. I wanted to prove to everyone I could stop drinking. This month, I'm going into it having not drank probably a third as much as last year.

I mean, meaning like, I've drank three quarters as much. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. And so, but when I was in spin class, we had Bob from The Biggest Loser was our spin class teacher at Crunch. Really? Yeah, yeah. Isn't that crazy? Mm-hmm. And so um, but when I was in spin class, we had Bob from the biggest loser was our spin class Teacher crunch. This is back. Yeah. Yeah, and the crazy man's Bob the coach from the biggest loser

Contestant coach. He was amazing his inspiration was so connect key connected to me so quickly one time It's right before Thanksgiving and I'm looking good I'm gonna go to a wedding my buddy's wedding and I'm on on the bike and he goes alright everyone out of the saddles We're gonna be out of saddles for two minutes and I'm like fuck. I've got to go to a wedding, my buddy's wedding. And I'm on the bike. And he goes, all right, everyone out of the saddles. We're going to be out of the saddles for two minutes. And I'm like, fuck this. And then he says, you're going home. I felt like he was talking to me. He goes, you're going home for Thanksgiving.

You're going to see all the people in high school, all the people that didn't want to have sex with you. Do you want them to want to have sex with you this weekend? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, then stay out of that fucking saddle. Stay out of that saddle and earn your Thanksgiving dinner and go out to bars the night before and say, I won't fuck you. I'm better than you. And I'm just going, I want them to fuck me.

I want them to fuck me. I think of that Bob. Bob went hard in the paint. Dude, that connected with me so hard. That vanity of like, I want people to want me. Isn't that funny, man? That like motivated so many comedians. Oh.

You know, just being a loser in high school and I'll show you guys. I'll show you. There's people that take them, that takes them straight to their deathbed too. Oh, yeah. They're still like, yeah, fucking Sarah. Fucking Bundy.

Seventh grade. This is for her. Yeah. My motivation is, I think I'm getting to the bottom of it, is I want people to like me people love you I know

but I think it's I do that in an unhealthy way you have a Netflix special thank you Joe it's pretty good too speaking of which thank you you for real

you two you two liking my special is the best compliments I've gotten you worked hard at it you can tell thank you very much everyone it's secret time

it's streaming right now but Joe Rogan's special drops tomorrow tonight tonight at midnight midnight I saw that dude that trailer Thank you very much. Everyone, it's secret time. It's streaming right now, but Joe Rogan's special drops tomorrow? Tonight. Tonight at midnight. Midnight. Yeah.

I saw that. Dude, that trailer's one of the best trailers I've seen for a special in a long time. I worked hard at it. I hope people like it. Some people are going to hate it, but that's normal. That is normal. I worked at it as hard as anything I've ever worked on ever, for sure. This hour. Yeah.

Yeah. I fucking went hard on this one. It's a good feeling to get done with something and go, I did the best I could do. I did the best I could do, for sure this hour yeah yeah i fucking went hard on this one no i get feeling to go to get done with something i did the best i could do i did the best i could do for sure 100 i couldn't have done any better because if i did any more the only thing that you could say is like maybe a little more time like maybe a month or two more time on some of the bits like but you never know when that is you know it's like there's a there's a there's a sort of like a period where they're developing and then they mature and then they're solid. And then you never know.

Like, are they done? Or is there like one more tagline that I'm missing here? Because, you know, it's always the case. You film and then right after you're done, you have a brand new tagline that makes the bit. Always. It's always like the next Saturday. You're like, you motherfucker. The next week I wrote that, did that special.

The next week I'm in. I'm in Michigan doing some theater and I have that Alexa bit about fucking Alexa talking back. I talk to Alexa like I talk to women. Whatever the bit is. And the next week I write the bit. I always say it's a fleshlight attachment for Alexa

so I can shut her up the way I want to. And fuck, I'm like, god damn it, where the fuck was that? God damn it. Your mind doesn't open up all the way until it doesn't have any pressure. So it's like the pressure's gone, and then you're like, oh, I could take it here, I could take it there, and you're like, I wish I could think like this before I record. But you can't. It just doesn't happen.

You know what's interesting is that we've talked about this, that after the special's over, you're like, I don't have any material, and I don't have anything to think about. So terrifying. But you always find it like over time and then before you know i'm like wow i got a new hour yeah it happens it happens and it happens quicker the more you've done it yeah yeah because you know you can do it that's one of the sad things about these guys like i was talking to a guy the other day like how long you've been doing comedy and he's like seven years i go how much time do you have he's like 20 minutes i go that's fucking ruthlessly unacceptable it's terrible i go you you're lazy like you've been doing comedy for seven years you have 20 minutes and out of those 20 minutes 10

you should throw away right that's crazy but that's what happens but they're not doing it enough you're not doing it enough they don't get enough sets and this you know it's hard you're doing open mics and when you're doing open mics everyone sucks when you're doing open mics, everyone sucks. So you look like a hero if you have anything that's remotely humorous. But then you try the remotely humorous stuff and you do it at the Ice House. And people are like, huh. You go on between you and you. And you do this bullshit that you're used to doing an open mic night.

And people are just not having it. That's why real sets are so different. Oh, yeah. If you don't get in front of real crowds, and it's not entirely up to you, obviously when you're starting out, it's hard to get in front of real crowds. What do you mean real crowds?

Like a real show, a professional audience. Oh, like not just open mic? Yeah. Those bringer shows and open mic shows. That's why it's invaluable, even if you give somebody an opportunity to come on your show for them, like an up-and-comer, because they don't normally have real audiences to perform in front of.

Yeah, it's giant for them. It's a wake-up call. Oh, yeah. Then they're like, holy shit, this is a real show. Yeah. People have expectations and they pay money. Absolutely. When you go to one of those open mic nights, people are just drunk and everyone's terrible, so you're just laughing at basically anything.

Yeah. Yeah. You can laugh. Someone can kill by how bad they are. Yeah. For sure. are just drunk and everyone's terrible so you're just laughing at basically anything yeah yeah someone can kill but how bad they are yeah people are just like slamming the table almost career out of that yeah peter chen he was a guy who was so bad um i chris mcguire was auditioning uh for mitzi and uh peter mitzi thought it was funny because mitzi. And Mitzi thought it was funny because Mitzi was so hilarious. She thought it was funny that one of the worst comics in LA,

don't pull his picture up, was hosting the open mic night. Really? Yeah, she thought it was funny. But I knew that Maguire was going to have to audition for Mitzi. So I said, fuck that. So I called up the store.

I said, I'm hosting. I said, I'll host the open mic night. So I said, fuck that. So I called up the store. I said, I'm hosting. I said, I'll host the open mic night. So I came down and hosted the open mic night just to keep him from hosting it. That's great. So you did that as a save for your buddy. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I knew he was going to, you know, there would be too much to address. And you have three minutes. There'd be too much, too much chaos to address. I hosted a show as a favor one time and ended up snapping on a lady in the audience and ruined the show. They were like, thanks. Why did you? Dude, because it was a showcase for Montreal. And I arrived at the show before it, right?

So there's like a 7 o'clock thing and then the 9 o'clock showcase. And they asked me to host it. thing and then the nine o'clock showcase and they asked me to to host it and the and a lady at the seven o'clock show at the earlier show is in like the front row just yelling out drunk and she's older and she's like yeah like tagging every comics thing commenting on it and i'm like oh and i'm just like so irritated i'm like well at least you know this show's almost over so the show ends you know people leave we're getting ready to start a second show i look she's staying in her seat and i was like you got to be kidding me so second show starts and i'm already you're primed you know like if you watch something that that gets you agitated and then you're like overreacting yeah

you're overreacting because you're like you're primed for it so like i started and it was like i said like my first joke and she said i go you fucking cunt shut up right and then and no one knows you have a history no no no no so it just looks like you literally for no reason oh yeah dude people in the audience like don't talk to her like that and i'm like you don't know what she's doing. And then it just went. And then I'm like, give it up for this guy who wants to go to Montreal. It was terrible.

It was terrible. Oh, no. But then she ended up leaving. Her friend came back in. And while I'm on stage, she goes, did you call her a cunt in the show? And I go, yeah. She goes, that's my friend. And I go, well, then you're a cunt like in the show and i go yeah she goes that's my friend and i go well then you're a cunt too and then she leaves and her son comes back her son comes back looking for me

he's like can i talk to you for a second and i was like all right and he looks serious too and he was like did you call my mom a cunt and i go which one is she and he goes this lady over here so i go outside and i talked to basically the lady who was the friend so i go she goes what is going on what i go your friend has been disrupting yelling out people drunk belligerent she goes you you call her this you call me that and i right, well, I'm sorry I called you that, but I'm not sorry I called your friend that. She is what she is. And she's like, you can be a nice person.

I see it in you. She got you with love. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, I go, get your friend out of here. No one wants her here, okay? And she was like, okay. And then her son was like, thank you. That was very disrespectful to my mother.

And I was like, okay, man, we're good. I got to go back and host this disaster that I created. Yeah. It was such a train wreck. Well, some people just think that if you're saying something they disagree with, they don't think that they need to just like wait it out. They think they can stop you in the middle. Yeah.

And the problem for me in particular, a lot of my bits start off one way like they look like they're going to be way more outrageous than they are and then i turn them around sure but when i'm starting it off and then you you just attack like like you're fucking up the bit like you don't even understand what i'm doing it's the whole thing about freedom of speech in a weird way i had a joke about pedophilia and i just started it and the woman this woman who was a fan of mine and everything she just goes no stop and then now it looks like i'm pro pedophilia i haven't gotten to the fucking punchline it just looks like i'm into fucking kids and because now i'm not allowed to finish it no those people shouldn't be you know allowed at shows because they're not even letting they're not even letting the art form take place.

Yeah, you can't. You crafted something. You're like, let it play out. You can't do that. I mean, they should just kick you out. You're fucking up the whole experience for the whole crowd. Because a guy like Brian Holtzman would literally never be able to perform if the audience is filled with people like that. So people like you and I who enjoy him, we would never be able to see him. Because his whole act is filled with people like that so people like you and i who enjoy him we would never be able to see him because his whole act is saying outrageous shit like that

that absolutely he doesn't really mean right but the funny thing is the twists and the turns right getting you to laugh at the other funny thing is is that he's supposed to act like he does mean it yes like that's what's funny it's like that people are like always like you know they get super upset about this thing and it's like he said this and like yeah but don't you get that yeah it's the performance i used to have this joke about the second coming project do you know what the second coming project is when they first started fucking around with genes and cloning they um there was a group of radical Christians that had this idea.

I think it might have been bullshit eventually, but what their idea was, they were going to take some genetic material from the Shroud of Turin, and they were going to clone Jesus. And so my bit was, what if you clone Jesus and it doesn't come out good? Like,

you know, they had to do Dolly the sheep like 30 times until they got it right. Like what if, what if you, what if you clone Jesus and he comes back handicapped? And I had this whole fucked up thing about them following around this handicapped Jesus. Instead of turning water into wine,

it turns like dog shit into cookies. And so this fucking lady, this lady goes, next subject! And she's sitting in the front row. So I did the bit to her. I just looked her in the eyes and I kept doing it.

By the power of Christ, I compel you. And I was doing, it was a horrible bit, you know, it's like, we're talking like 1998 or some shit like that. So it was clunky anyway. But, uh, she's literally saying next subject. Oh yeah.

Which is, I'm never going to, never going to listen to you. Like what? No way. That's like when you tell someone shut the fuck up. Yeah. Why would they shut the fuck up? That doesn't work. You want them to shut the fuck up, but you have no understanding of the power of persuasion or the fact that other people aren't you.

You're not in control of other people. So if you tell someone, shut the fuck up, that doesn't work. This is just a poor way of you don't understand human beings. You haven't thought this through. You just know what you want, your selfish little head, and so you say it to them. This is how most arguments and most fights get started because people don't take into consideration at all

the fact that they're communicating with another human being, has their own set of emotions, their own life, their own problems, their own ego. It's true. There's surefire way at any comedy show to hear more of the same topic. It's going to be like, next. Yeah, next subject. Yeah.

Fuck you. It's on the internet. Yeah. And that's what I almost, sometimes I preface it where I go, hey, you got, like, if you don't like what I'm about to say, because I have a couple things now that are a little, I think, too far. I go, just come talk to me after the show. Don't even do that. Just don't interrupt things. I've had people change

my mind on bit. Like, I had a bit that worked on my podcast very well, and then I tried it in a club, and this black chick came up to me, and she's like, it's a really fucked up joke. And I was like, really? Real super racist or something? Was it super, super racist? Like the black guy at CrossFit racist?

I think it might've been worse. Really? I don't know. I don't know. It didn't bother me, but the black chick in DC was like,

I love the show, all of it. I just think, how many years ago is this? This is a year ago. And I was like, and part of me is like,

is it a bit that's in the special then? No, no, no, no, no, no,

no. Never made it? No. And so I couldn't, and it's almost the special then? No. No, no, no, no, no. Never made it? No. And so I couldn't. And it's almost like I wanted to tell it, but I had to figure it out to work it out. But I didn't want to have to deal with all the fucking steps. Yeah. All the steps.

And I was like, I'm not going to die on that hill. I don't really talk about race much in my act. So I'm like, I don't really, I'm not going to die on that hill for that bit. You know what you got to do with a bit like that? that you gotta look at it as if you're someone trying to deconstruct it like you're someone who's trying to attack that bit see for me a bit works best the very first time I do it and then and then every every work in bit I do around that to like take it apart and figure out another way to approach it that's where i start fucking it up really it's like the first time i say it i go let's hope we can find that again that's i'm the polar opposite oh no occasionally i'll say something good the first

time but most of the time when i say something it seems like a sprout or a seed and then i'm like maybe okay i gotta but do you how much time do you spend listening to recordings? A lot. A lot now. After that last special, I did it obsessively. And then I got into it. I got into recording. And now what I do is I will bid out. If I don't have video, I like to have video because I think the video aspect really lets me know why things are. Like I have this bit where I do my eyes a little different.

And it was killing. And I saw it on video. And I went, oh, I got to make sure to do that. a little different and it was killing and I saw it on video and oh I gotta make sure to do that but um for me it's that it's almost like I'm always trying to chase to get back to that first time I told it

right that feeling yeah I like to clip it out and then put chunks of like alright here's where the Starbucks bit is here's this is and then look at the different ones and go oh why did that work better than this one but um but I'm also I've gotten really into editing videos and stuff so it's a lot easier for me than it was when I first started. Now I'm just like, oh, real quick, sync up audio,

because I'll do audio and video, different tracks, sync them up, and then just clip them out, put them in folders. Audio and video, what do you mean? I got a little nerdy about it. I take an H4-6. What is that? An audio recorder. It's a Zoom recorder, Zoom H4-6, and then I? An audio recorder. It's a Zoom recorder.

Zoom H4-6. And then I'll take my camera, put it in the back if I can. Or I'll have the club run video. But I like to sync up clean audio and clean video. That way if I do have something fun, like Hannibal got on stage with me the other night. And I was like, oh, cool. I got all this shit that I could definitely put online. I'm going to want to do that to Hannibal.

I'd have to run it by him first. But I got real clean audio of it. Oh, that's interesting. So you are doing it through the soundboard? No, I do it through... The H4-6 is like the best. And I have basically a surround sound mic on that. Which one's it called again? H4-6. It's bigger. H4-6

Zoom? Zoom H4-6. Right? Am I right on that? Or is it just the H6? Oh, it's the H6. It's the H6. H6. The other one's the H4-N. And it's Zoom H4-6. Right? Am I right on that? Or is it just the H6? Oh, it's the H6. It's the H6. H6. The other one's the H4N. And it's Zoom? Zoom H6. O-O-M. Yeah. Audio recorder? And how big is that thing? It's about the size of this box.

Like a fucking taser. But they make a Zoom Yeah, it looks like a taser. Yeah. They make a Zoom that's smaller that I take with me now that fits in my pocket. It's like the size of a lighter that's really great. Yeah? Pull that up. Let my pocket. It's like the size of a lighter that's really great. Yeah, pull that up. Let me see what that looks like. Pull up all the Zoom.

What I like about doing it on my phone, though, is that I have them always with me all the time. Yeah, it's great. And then I sync it up in my car on the way to the gig. That's what I did the other night, too. Listen on the way there. New stuff. Fucking helps. Giant.

On the way out, you go like that. Because I like the puzzle-solving aspect of putting together sets. You know what I mean? When you go like, man, why does this – when I do it fourth, it kills. But if I do it fifth, it's garbage. You know? You try to figure out, well, maybe this needs to be punched up. Maybe this should move here.

I like doing that. I like figuring that out. Yeah, and there's always those mystery punchlines that you didn't think were going to be a punchline and it crushes. Sure. You're like, what the fuck is, what are you laughing at? I don't get it. Like, what happened there? Dude, the time that you guys were in the back of the room and I said, I used to think Anne

Frank and Helen Keller were the same person. And I didn't think that was funny at all. And you're like, please tell me that's a bit. And I was like, no. That was at Stand Up On The Spot. Stand Up On The Spot. Stand Up On The Spot's the most useful fucking thing ever. Super.

Okay, so which one is it? I've got the H6, I've got the H4N, and then the H1N is the one I got that I take with me. The H6 is the larger one that's like a taser

looking thing. And then which is the one you take with you? The tiny one? And that's really little? Yeah. What's the comparison in the sound

between the H1N and the H6? Big jump in my opinion. Yeah? Yeah. It should be the same. Jamie? It should be the same. Jamie? It should be the same.

How so? It should be the same microphones. The H6 is just going to allow you to do six tracks. That's what the 6 is. It allows you to do six inputs. This is probably just one track, or maybe it's two, because it's left and right. That's why it's two microphones. Oh, interesting.

That one's a great mic. I take that with me, and it shows you how much time you have. microphones. Oh, interesting. That one's a great mic. I take that with me and it shows you how much time you have. You put a 64 gigabyte mini SD card in and you get like 118 hours of recording. How's the battery? I go through batteries

pretty quick, but if you use lithium batteries, it's not that bad. So if you do a mini SD card, you could take that mini SD card and put it, if you have a phone like, I just got an Android phone i got this uh galaxy note 9 and it has uh it takes up to one terabyte of storage holy shit look how pretty yeah look at the stars is that new yeah and it takes an sd card yeah shut the fuck up yeah it takes an sd card it

takes up to one terabyte of storage um it's fucking phenomenal yeah it's great it's phenomenal they used to be that they were like way inferior to iphones it's not the case anymore in fact i think like look how big that screen is look how pretty yeah that's great look how pretty look how pretty who makes that uh samsung that's the um the the fingerprint reader is fucking instant, and it has a pen where you can write on the lock screen. So on the lock screen, you can take notes and write on the screen. I haven't written in my joke book in forever, I feel like. Look at that. Whoa.

You write on the lock screen. Yeah, you sure can. And then you save those To your notes Yeah That's really cool And then this also works As a remote control So if you're playing music

If you're playing music On this thing While you're playing music This will start And stop your music It's fucking phenomenal Are you just gonna Stomp out your iPhone right now?

I don't know man I'm trying to figure out What to do I've always had that Do you have both numbers Go to that same phone? No But the other thing About the new iPhone that Jamie was telling me is that you can have two different phone numbers.

Were you telling me that? No, Brian was. You could have two different phone numbers on the new iPhone. On the new one. Yeah. It takes like a second card. So say like if you have a business line and a home line. Great.

And then you take that SIM card out for the business line or you disable the business line and you're like fuck you and then you don't get business calls so say like if you have a phone that only like your best friends your wife yeah have and then the next is like agents and other bullshit yeah but uh or you just set up a whole decoy number for like people you don't want to have your number that's's good. Yeah. But you can also do something like that with... What is that thing? There's a Google Voice, right? Doesn't Google Voice have some shit like that? Yeah, you can have a separate...

You can have that rerouted to your phone number and have a business line kind of thing. Look at this. This thing... It works as a remote control. So check this out. I'll crank it up. You can take pictures with it too, right?

Yeah. What? So you're using that pen? Watch. Bang. See that? I'll press it. Yeah.

Box kind of patsy. Yeah. Come on. How about it? How many of those pens did you get? Like 10? No, it sticks right in here. Watch. Look. It fits in there. Yeah. Come on. How about it? How many of those pens do you get? Like 10? No, it sticks right in here. Look.

It fits in there. Bang. That's perfect. And it charges. It's Bluetooth. Nice. Syncs up to your phone. Maybe I'll get one of those as a burner phone.

Well, it's $1,000. You wouldn't really want it as a burner phone. It's kind of a primary phone. Yeah. I'm leaning towards it as my main phone. I really am. I mean, I'm going to see. burner phone it's kind of a primary phone yeah i'm leaning towards it as my main phone i really am i mean i'm gonna see the thing about the walled garden of iphones is you just get used to that ecosystem yeah right now my my zone is all on my iphone this thing is still sweaty touch it if you want to touch it yeah i want to do my sweat yeah i want to drink something see if i can get that

murdered sweat inside me you just gotta think like that. Just gotta think that someone's coming after someone you love. So wait, let's talk about, so for the month... That's me! He's gonna think about himself. Fuck! He's gotta think of that. He's gotta think of rage. I think of killing coyotes with my bare hands.

I think of all kinds of crazy shit. I'll tell you what, I'm not even bugging around. I'm going to find my inner voice that speaks to me when I need that explosivity. I'm just going to find your dark place. That's easy access for me, man. Doesn't take much. Someone said that.

Someone said, why is it so difficult for Tom for Sober October? He should take time off of thinking about murdering baristas. If you guys don't know, him and his wife have been doing this thing where you guys had like, if you murdered somebody, would you turn me into the cops? Yeah. I was blown away by her answer. She was like, 100%. I was like, are you murdered somebody, would you turn me into the cops? Yeah. She said she would. She was like a hundred percent.

And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? She goes, well, was it an accident? I'm like, no, I just told you that I killed somebody and I got the body in the trunk and no one knows. She's like,

you're a psycho. I don't know what you're going to do. You're going to kill me next. I'm like, why would I kill you next? She's like, but why'd you kill this guy? I'm like,

cause he pissed me off. It's like, it's, you know, I killed somebody that I got. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm sorry. That lady a? I'm like, because he pissed me off. It's like, you know, I killed somebody. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm sorry. You fucked up just like you called that lady a cunt.

Right. So like got out of hand. Shouldn't have to go to jail forever. You're my fucking ace, right? You're not going to turn me in. She's like, oh no, you're unpredictable. She's your ride or die. That's what I thought.

Don't worry. I'm your ride or die. You call me if you kill someone. I've got the shovel ready. Yeah. I'm taking it to the next level. If you come over with a body in the trunk and you go, I've got a body in the trunk. I get the shovel and you come out and the body starts to get up out of the trunk, I'll hit him with the shovel and make sure he's dead.

That's what's up, dude. Yeah. That was a close call. Where are we going? Where are we going to go? Drop that body. Oh, do you know how much fun we'd have figuring out a place to go bury a body? Yeah, it'd be pretty great.

Yeah. I could take you guys places. Guys trip. See, this is a conversation I wanted with her. Yeah. Why wouldn't she do this? I don't know, man. She's like, I got babies now.

I fucking, like, all right, whatever. Yeah. Anyways, I was just telling her, she's like, why did you kill the guy? I was like, all right, let's just hypothetically say. Why does that matter? We talked about that on the ride to the desert. Maybe the guy called you a cunt, so I had to kill him. I killed the guy, called him a cunt.

I told her he fucked up my coffee order. I called her a cunt. You called her a cunt. Yeah, that's definitely excusable. She said if it's somebody like hurt the family or something, she was like, then it's 100% fine. Oh, okay. She goes, but if you're like laying in wait, just like premeditated, hanging out, like

stalking people. She goes, dad, I got to turn you in on it. I'm like, I still think that's bullshit. Like, you're my wife. Why the fuck are you ratting on me? My wife would do the killing for me. That I believe. Like if someone broke into our house, no questions asked.

I already know. Your wife would gun somebody down. I'd give her the gun and go. Your wife, you think you'd tell her? Yeah. But she'd be like, all right, you got to go handle this. She'd be like, I knew it was coming. Matter of time.

Yeah. All right, guys. We've been prepping for this. As long as you're nice to the kids. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, man. What's crazy is that long as you're nice to the kids. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, man. What's crazy is that used to be super normal to kill people.

You mean like in human history? Oh, yeah. 200 years ago. Yeah. Super normal. We had a president that killed somebody. Oh, yeah. In a duel.

Yeah. Can you imagine how normal, though, where it would be like, it wouldn't even be worth bringing up that you killed somebody that day? Right. I mean, if you go back far enough, it's like, yeah, people are just stabbed and there's battles on. Do you think they had their Me Too movement of going like, hey, we gotta stop killing people, man?

Yeah. When did people just totally stop killing people? I don't know. There had to be a movement where people were like, guys, my dad was murdered and no one cares. And your dad was murdered. He's like, yeah,

that kind of hurt me too. He's like, yeah, this fucking sucks, man. Is it like the Dark Ages like coming out of that? Oh, no, no, no. Dark Ages is where

you had no free will. When I watch, when that Game of Thrones, when they cut his dick off in Game of Thrones, it clicked with the part of me where I went, helplessness.

The idea that you can't go, this isn't fair, you're not allowed to do that. That helplessness, it gave me a panic attack. Think about that when you're on the treadmill, son. Them cutting my dick off. There you go. Cutting anybody's dick off. Just think of that feeling. Just think of those kind of people out there.

Like helplessness. Right, and if you're tired, you can't get away. When they bound, I watched the Marco Polo thing. And when they bound that little girl's feet. Is that the Netflix? Yeah, it was great. I didn't watch that. I watched like one or two episodes.

It seemed okay. It was great. Was it good? Well, yeah. Well, I like history. I like anything history. That's why I like that guy we used to have on, Dan. Dan Carlin?

Dude, I love history. And so Marco Polo really knew Genghis Khan, apparently. Yeah. And so. I think he knew Genghis Khan's son. I think it's Kublai Khan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Yeah, it Genghis Khan apparently. Yeah. And so – I think he knew Genghis Khan's son. I think it's Kublai Khan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.

Yeah, it's Kublai Khan. Yeah. I like his frame on a stickler for details though. Well, the Khans, you know, the reign was a long time. I mean they – during Genghis Khan's lifetime, they estimated that he killed and his people killed 10% of the world's population. God. They killed so many people, they changed the carbon footprint of the world. They literally changed how many people were burning things.

They literally changed it in core samples. Like when you do a core sample on the earth, the carbon footprint of human beings is less while he was alive because he killed one out of ten human beings that lived. So he was eco it was eco-friendly for what he did. Yes. He's very green. Holy shit. That's a weird thing that Dan Carlin goes over in his Wrath of the Khan series which is like one of the greatest history series of all time. I can't recommend it enough.

It's a life changer. I wish I could go back to the day I found it. Yeah. And you and it was like seven part series or whatever and I'd play it laying in bed fall asleep wake up and have to go find out where I left off. So good. And I was like seven part series or whatever. And I'd play it, lay in bed, fall asleep, wake up, and I have to go find out where I left off. So good. And I'd have dreams of being a con. I remember having a dream of learning how to shoot a pigeon in the air.

Yeah. Where you had to wait for all four hoofs off the ground. Yeah. I had a dream because I was listening to it sleeping. Dude, I had the most fuck. I'm sorry. Keep going. No, go ahead.

I had the most active. What is it when you dream in your wake? Lucid. I had the most active. What is it when you dream and you're awake? Lucid. I had the most lucid fucking dream last night. Yeah? The most lucid dream. I walked into this closet and I was on all fours and I go, I'm not awake. I think I'm dreaming.

And I went, I am dreaming. I said, interesting. And I sat crisscross applesauce. I said, I want a beautiful woman to walk in the closet. And a beautiful woman walked in the closet. And I went, I think I'm going to go down on her. And I was like, yeah, this is a dream. There's no cheating.

My wife's in Vietnam. Let's go down on her. I started going down on her. And I was like, where's this leading? I think I'm going to fuck her. I said, I should fuck her. And then I was like, oh, yeah, we're fucking her. And then I woke up.

I'm like, goddammit, I wanted to stay back in it. You should have went right to fucking all that You get stuck in your throat What were you saying about the Dan Carlin thing? The Genghis Khan? I don't remember. Sorry. It's okay.

You're going to access your rage from one of those moments. Yeah, access your rage thinking about how you couldn't fuck her and you sucked her dick. There's a lot of rage there. That's super upsetting. I get that. I mean, I used to do little tricks like that to get myself to work out harder. That's why I have those in my head. That was like when I, you know, I just used to always feel like if the worst case scenario happened and you needed energy, like how tired are you really?

Are you really tired? Are you tired? Like, oh, I'm tired. I just need to stop. Or are you tired? Like, I can't survive right now. Or are you tired like someone I love dearly is in trouble and I can't help them. How tired are you?

Yeah, that's different levels of tired for sure. Yeah, I'm going to put those things up every day, motherfucker. You're going to see those images of these workouts every day. And I'm doing two a day. You're doing two workouts a day? Two a day like that. Yeah, me too. I already did mine today.

I walked three miles. I'm going to do. On that bullshit fucking treadmill that we were talking about. Andy Stump's treadmill? You don't like that? Dude, it just is not enjoyable. Because it's hard. It's hard as fuck.

Yeah, but that's the whole idea behind it. It's a difficult treadmill. We are going for a point total, right? That's what we're doing? That's the move, right? Well, I mean, there was two like what are the other things the initial thought i had was like last year we had a it was 15 90 minute hot yoga classes right so the idea was i'm gonna do those two okay well the idea for that was that it was difficult but attainable right and you had to be disciplined to do it so now you're gonna do two workouts a day

yep and 15 men yeah i'm gonna count the yoga as one as one okay okay workouts a day but and then another hardcore i'm doing the 15 hot yoga classes on top of all the other shit um what is this number the one oh one thousand five that's your calories burned oh really that's what i said when you walked in i've never once burned 1,000 calories in a workout. That's a lot of fucking calories. Before I take that pledge. Yeah, it is a lot. What's a normal workout burn?

I mean, if you're doing an intense one. Oh. I mean, here, I'll show you. I got a bunch of them locked in here. It says 98% of my heart rate max. It's going to adjust. It's going to adjust. Yeah, because it's 175.

Yeah, it's going to adjust. Because I'm an old fuck. It just thinks my heart rate doesn't go that high anymore. Doesn't know I'm on the juice. The number starts, it says like it's 220 minus your age is your max heart rate. Okay. Zone or something like that. Well, that's not real.

So, yeah, the older you are, the lower your max is. Well, it's broken. Yeah. This shit don't work, right? I should be dead. I think this is where it should be. I don't think that's like the older you are, the lower your max is. Well, it's broken. The shit don't work right. I should be dead. I think that's just where it should be. I don't think that's like the max you're at. All right.

I did a workout a couple days ago, 63 minutes, 72% effort throughout, 864 calories burned. That's a lot. 864. Yeah. That's a good workout. Yeah. And then this one. That was 62-minute workout.

Is that what you said? Yeah. This is a 93-minute workout. I burned 1,300 calories. Is this real? Yeah. You could do that. You could do that.

But you'd have to go hog, whole hog. This was kickboxing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You did a 90-minute kickboxing workout? Well, no. We did kickboxing for part of it. So you've got a trainer now?

Yeah. Oh, look at you, Mr. Tommy Moneybags. Couple of Netflix specials, sell out a few theaters. You know what trainer now? Yeah. Oh, look at you, Mr. Tommy Moneybags. A couple of Netflix specials, sell out a few theaters. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's not saying he's doing more than selling out theaters. His pre-sale sold out everything. Selling out everything, huh?

When you're moving into arenas, fella. Hey, speaking of arenas, how was Toronto? Fucking insane. What is it like when you're doing 10,000 people? 10,600 people at the Scotiabank Arena. It was the Air Canada Center. What is it like when you're doing 10,000 people? 10,600 people at the Scotia Bank Arena. It was the Air Canada Center. The UFC's back there in December. Isn't that crazy that you're going to be like,

oh, one time I was here alone talking. It's ridiculous. And then you see it filled for events like that. I mean, that's where the fucking Raptors play. It's so ridiculous. It doesn't seem real. But I got to say, The show felt like as intimate As a set at the store

Really? I'm not bullshitting Yeah Yeah Yeah it was fucking nuts For real? Yeah yeah yeah It was fucking easy peasy

It was fun I mean it was literally like any other set I was nervous that I wasn't nervous Yeah I was nervous that I was I mean I did a lot of sets leading up to it. Like when I did – you know, I constantly do sets, but I did like – I did four sets Thursday night. Really?

Yeah. I did the Ice House Wednesday, so I did an hour plus of the Ice House. I did three sets on Tuesday night. Yeah, I mean, I think that's the key is you just got to do so many. You got to be sharp for it. Yeah, you have to just do so many that you're just like working out. You can't have any doubt. You got to be just in shape.

I just sent you a video. This shows you how ridiculous the crowd looked. But you're also getting used to arenas because you've done a few now. It's weird. This is your fourth arena? Fourth, yeah, maybe fifth. I did... Columbus?

Vancouver. I did Columbus. I did Kansas City. Kansas City was weird because it was outside. That was weird. That's like an amphitheater, right? Yeah, crazy. Yeah, I saw that.

This was the biggest one. This one was bananas. You're wild, man. Amphitheater. Yeah crazy. Yeah, so this was the biggest one. This one was bananas Yeah, I'm stressing 12 Tom and I are doing tours at the exact same time next year and I'm stressing doing theaters Twelve twelve hundred in the theater going like fuck it. How do you like it gets normal man after a while? But scoot scoot ahead just a couple of seconds and you can see it when I get on stage like watch when they turn the lights on this is what's really strange when you get to look out

over the entire audience oh my gosh that's fucking ridiculous that's crazy that's madness that's wild man and there's an upper deck that doesn't seem real and it just happened That is, that's wild, man. Dude, that, and there's an upper deck.

That, it doesn't seem real and it just happened. And you, you did this and the same night Bird did the Forum. Yeah. 20,000. No, the Forum's not 20,000. The Forum's 9,000. The Western Forum? The Great Western Forum. I don't know what it is.

The thing online said it was 20,000 people. I think they're wrong because Dean Del Rey said it was 9,000. Okay. I think they just made a mistake. But it's huge. Either way. It's huge. So I was thinking last night, and I know that you're not like this.

I know you're a little bit like this, but to compare different times of comedy, right? And compare people. I know you don't like comparing people, but has there ever been a time in comedy where this many acts were selling arenas, this many acts were selling theaters, and this many acts were selling out clubs? I don't think so. Well, Burr's sold out Madison Square Garden, which is way bigger than that. Madison Square Garden, I think, is 18,000. That's true.

How about this? Sebastian is ready to sell four. He's already sold out three. They opened up a fourth show at Madison Square Garden. Just stop and think about that. That's almost 80,000 people. That's crazy. Yeah. That's like a fucking

NFL game stadium. Has there ever been at this time, just look at theater comics, just legit selling multiple theater shows. Eliza, D'Elia, you can name any of you. You go down the list. Aziz.

There's so many comics selling. Theaters. Theaters that I don't think there's ever been a time. No. There's never been a time like this. Never. There's never been a time when this many comics are selling out multiple thousand seat places. And then there's the big, first of all, there's Kevin Hart, who's the biggest of the big.

He sells out 50,000. Cat Williams is actually a lot bigger than he is. Cat Williams? Oh, yeah. I watched it on The Breakfast Club. I thought you were drunk. I'm joking. I'm joking.

You didn't see Cat Williams just slam him? I don't pay attention to that shit. That was pretty fun. I like Cat. I like Cat, too. I like Cat, too, but he's eccentric at best. No, Kevin is the biggest monster. Kevin's the biggest.

He's the biggest monster. He can sell 50,000. He sold 50 the biggest monster. So he's like 50. He can sell 50,000. He sold 50,000 in Philadelphia when he did his special. Yeah. There's only one of him. But you know who's real close to him that people forget about is Larry the Cable Guy. Because Larry the Cable Guy was selling out football stadiums because Josh Wolfe was opening for him.

And Josh Wolfe took a picture and showed it to me. And he goes, dude, this was me on stage opening up for Larry the Cable Guy. And you're like. Yeah. Yeah. But people don't think about. First of all, Larry the Cable Guy is like the most humble. Yeah.

Plus he's doing that in like the heartland. So people will just dismiss it because it's not like an L.A. show or New York show. So those two guys. I think Kevin Hart is numero uno. He's number one. Yeah. And then there's Chappelle could basically do anything. He sells out Massacre Garden.

Chappelle could sell 50. He sold out the fucking forum. Not the forum. The Hollywood Bowl. Hollywood Bowl. Yeah. Yeah, that's huge. What is that, 20,000?

I don't know. That's like 20,000. He has amphitheater offers, like left and right. And then they'll probably be like, yeah, you do a show. It's like you'll get like 700,000. He'll be like, I'm going to do the belly room. And then he just goes and does that. He doesn't give a fuck.

Because he likes it. He likes the intimate shows. Well, he's also, I hate to use a term like this, but he's a legitimate artist. Yeah. He's just trying to do better work, do better comedy, and always evolve it. He's one of the rare guys that can do a special and then the next week he'll have a new hour. Yeah. And somehow or another it works. It just comes out of him. I know. I mean, he's just supremely dedicated guys that could do a special and then the next week we'll have a new hour yeah and somehow it just comes out of works i know i mean he's just it's supremely dedicated you know

yeah so there's him there's chris rock can still sell out pretty big places if louis came back i think he could sell out giant places giant burr sells out everywhere he wants to burr could sell out um he sold out boston, which is like 18,000. Yeah. Wells Fargo Center in Philly. How big is that? 15,000. Yeah.

That's crazy. Yeah, he could sell out all those places. It's really hard to put in perspective, and I think you guys can understand this, but I mean, you were selling out clubs, what, like 17 years ago, were you just doing clubs? Yeah, for sure. But when you were selling out clubs, when you were selling out just clubs, that's an achievement in this business.

I mean, to sell out weekends and ad shows is a legit achievement. Definitely. It's so undermined when you go in and you do San Jose or you do whatever and you sell out everything and then go, oh my God, like, holy shit. Like, there's so, the possibilities are endless. Yeah.

Well, it's the internet. That's what it is. It's people. And then there's like this network of comics now that everybody knows about. You know, if you know about Bill, you know about Joey Diaz, you know about you, you know about you.

It's like there's this thing going on now where everyone's sort of connected. Yeah. That's never existed before. And going on now where everyone's sort of connected. Yeah. That's never existed before. And then a lot of these people, not Sebastian, he's one of the rare ones that doesn't, but most of these people have podcasts. Kevin Hart doesn't, obviously, but Kevin Hart has major movies. Sebastian actually does one.

He does a podcast? Yeah, with Pete Correale. With Pete Correale, yeah. I didn't even know. But I don't think he can get to it weekly, but they definitely put it out. It's on SiriusXM. I think he'd do it specifically for SiriusXM right now. Just does it whenever he can get to it weekly, but they definitely put it out. It's on SiriusXM. I think he'd do it specifically for SiriusXM right now. Just does it whenever he can get to it.

I think so. I think so. I think it's – you've probably – you've been in this the longest out of the three of us, but have you ever known a time in comedy when comics were more friendly? No. It seems like everyone's on the same team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a completely different thing.

I've talked about this before. It's because I really believe it's because the internet and also because there's no um things we're fighting for anymore like tonight show spots or stupid shit like that or sitcom auditions but in the past it was like there was three channels and there was the tonight show and the letterman show and everybody wanted to host the tonight show but jay leno was hosting in forever or johnny carson before him right and there was this competition between comics where they were just cutthroat and there's not that anymore now instead like radio shows right radio shows always shit on the other radio shows always they always the other morning shows in town they shit on them it was all shitting on everybody fuck them them. Howard Stern was notorious for it.

Yeah. We do the opposite. They'd start wars for ratings. Yeah, but we do the opposite. We all have successful podcasts, but we all have each other on our podcast. We're all super friendly about it. We all promote each other's specials. We all hang out together.

There's a camaraderie amongst comedians now. It used to be like there might be some camaraderie amongst comedians now it used to be like there might be some camaraderie amongst a couple but it would always go bad you know and then there was never like a bunch of real headliners hanging out together like they are now yeah yeah i mean even the simplest things like dalia does something funny and i'll just put her i'll talk about it on my open tabs and get like half a million views. Yeah. And then you just go like, I mean, D'Alias might be one of my favorite people to watch these days because I just watch his Instagram and go, what's he doing today?

He's ridiculous. I can totally talk about it on my open tabs and just share it with everyone and just go, oh, great, Brennan Schaub. Dude, it's been funny shit. Did you guys see Dean Del Rey sing? Yeah, I saw it because you posted it. Put that up. Okay, so I put that on my Instagram.

This is another good example. I put that on my Instagram and it's got like 700,000 views. He can really sing. Fuck yeah, he can. Like, he can really sing. Like, what? Like, wait a minute. I didn't know you could do that.

Yeah. It's got... Yeah. 670,000. 670,000. Look at him go. Look how happy he looks. Dean's living his best life, man. Look at him go. Look how happy he looks. Dean's living his best life, man. Look at him.

Yeah. I told him, I go, send me the whole fucking video, man. I go, you're a fucking murderer, man. Yeah. That's incredible. He's an inspiration, man. He did Conan the night I did Conan. And he was so excited.

And it was so amazing to see Burr showed up. Everyone was in the back of the room and he came off he's like that's my first late night and i think dean's 50 yeah you gotta respect it dude he started stand up like 46 or something like that yeah it's very it's not it's not common it's not common to stick with it and keep getting better at it it was so so cool to be on the end of Conan with him, Marin, me, Marin and Dean, just three comics and that's booking. Like there's no celebrity.

It's just three comics. And Dean's the only one that did stand up. It was just like, Oh fuck. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I saw. Someone said it was,

it felt like the green room with the main room of the comedy store. Yeah. And Burr's living. Let me tell you something. I, Burr, Bill Burr is living his best fucking life right now. He does these, when he does the garden or when he does the forum, they come in with the goddamn comedy jam and set up a thing and they do a full concert to an empty venue

before the show. Yeah. They just do it for themselves. Yeah. That's awesome. That's awesome. They just want to play the forum. Bill told me he played from 2 to 6.30.

Really? Yeah. Just played all day. He said I was exhausted. He goes, I was worried I was too tired to do this30. Really? Yeah. Just played all day. He said I was exhausted. He was, I was worried I was too tired to do this show. Hilarious.

But that's how much fun he's having doing it. Dude, what would you do if you did like, would you set up a football game and play football? Yeah,

what would you do? Man, I mean, I would watch one. I would just invite people to come watch a game. That'd be fun. he's fucking

flying helicopters. Yeah, yeah. Playing drums. I mean, yeah. fucking flying helicopters. Yeah, yeah. Playing drums. I mean, yeah. Yeah, no. No, this is an interesting time. But this is also, it shows you that because of all this camaraderie

and that everybody's doing really well, it shows you that that's possible, that the old way of looking at things is the wrong way. Yeah. That's a selfish, famine-thinking way. It the the old way of looking at things is the wrong way yeah that's a selfish famine thinking way it's the wrong way i would hire a dj to bring me out to an event like that though if i was doing an arena really i would call it do that he does that i think chapelle does that i would call like russell brought out uh mc shan out on uh he always brings out on stage to all his white audience and he freestyled these are the breaks no and all his white audience, and he freestyled, these are the breaks.

And all the white people just sat there staring at Russell. And Russell got up and was like, are you fucking kidding me? He brings old school legends everywhere. Well, he'll do a gig, and then after a gig, he'll go to a club and DJ. Yeah, he will. He can actually DJ, too. Like real DJ. He can really DJ.

With records and scratching and all that stuff. He knows his shit, man. He gets mad at those electronic music guys who call themselves DJs. He's like, that's not a DJ. He can really DJ. With records and scratching and all that stuff. He knows his shit, man. Yeah. Yeah. He gets mad at those electronic music guys who call themselves DJs. Oh, yeah. That's not a DJ. Yeah, no. That's not a DJ. He goes back.

Like, you've got to be able to get vinyl, dig through the crates. Yeah. Flip it around. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, he knows his stuff, man. He really does. Well, he's another one that sells out.

He's at that other place, that place that I was at in November. Really? Yeah, he's at the Scotiabank Arena. Oh, yeah. He's done that. Yeah. Bunch,otia bank oh yeah he's done that yeah bunch man that's his hometown selling out giant places there's so much of that going on it's like his seventh time doing that too oh yeah at least it's overwhelming man it really is and i i you know what it is i had a guy say to me one time and i think this is what it is i had a guy coming up to me at west Palm. I was doing a New Year's Eve drunk as fuck. Both of us probably. And he,

we're both shirtless. I'm doing the meet and greet. And he goes, uh, he goes, I need to talk to you for like two minutes. And the already did. I think you wanted to fuck you.

No, I get this a lot. I get, I get a lot. That's where I go. I'm good. Thanks. I don't,

I'm Johnny meet and greet. And so I go, uh, they're like, sir, you gotta move along. I'll give him two minutes. And he's like, he's like, dude, I'm a fan. Do you know what that means? I was like, Hey. And he goes, no're like, sir, you gotta move along. I go, give him two minutes. And he's like, dude,

I'm a fan. Do you know what that means? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, no, no, no, no. You're not listening to me. When you do well, I get happy. He's like, it makes me happy to see good things happen to you. I will always be a fan. I'll always support you. And as soon as he said that, I thought, it sounds super silly, but before I met you, I was a

fan. Like, when the Carlos stuff went down, I got behind your back. And I was like, I'm a fan. When the Carlos stuff went down, I got behind your back, and I was like, I'm a fan of Joe's. I like what he's doing. He's standing up for me. And in a weird way, being a fan of something is so fucking fun when you become a fan. And I think what podcasts have done is allowed you to become intimate

with your fans, and they support you in a way like people go out and they see a video of Dean singing, they go, oh yeah, I'm happy. Like we're all happy for him. When you do 10,000 seats, I think there are people going, fuck yeah, man, my guy's winning. Does that make sense? Yeah. No, I know what you're saying. Yeah.

I think it's cool. And we're fans of each other too. That's big too. That also people realize like, hey, like you could be a fan of someone. It doesn't mean that somehow or another you're like a lesser person. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I'm sure Bill Burr is a fan of someone it doesn't mean that somehow or another you're like a lesser person you know what i mean yeah like i'm sure bill burr is a fan of chapelle i'm sure chapelle's a fan of chris rock like people are fans of other people's art oh totally whereas i think in the past that wasn't the case it was not it was about separate camps yeah it was like i'm in this if you're on that

side which is so dumb so dumb because you can also it's like You know you can like you can like one type of music the most but still enjoy other music Don't think that when the internet opened up all these possibilities. That's when it happened. Probably seems like it to me Yeah, I think it was podcasting. Yes, but like podcasting I guess yeah, that is the internet I'm sorry. I was thinking of YouTube for some reason. But can you imagine Dice and Kinison? They hated each other. They hated each other. That was the way it worked.

That was the bullet hole at the store, the Belly Room store. That's because Sam Kinison brought a gun and shot the fucking sign to let Dice know that he was going to fucking shoot him. He didn't just pull out a gun. He pulled out a gun and shot a fucking sign. That's really crazy. Yeah. They just fixed it a few years ago. I was mad when they fixed it yeah they should have left why would you fix that

yeah that's really crazy though yeah god i gotta start doing that to you burt just shooting a gun pulling guns out where's burt's name shoot it and shoot the sign yeah but i think those guys were doing coke too and we smoke pot that's just way different that might be the key ingredient to this whole thing you smoke pot you want to hug people you do coke you like you want to fight bro i'll fuck you up i'll hold you down i'll fuck your mouth i'll fuck your mother i'll fuck your mother's mother i'll dig up her mother and fuck her bones and then i'll start a business yeah it's um it's also there was everyone was scratching and clawing there wasn't a lot of opportunities yeah there's all i think it's also there was everyone was scratching and clawing. There wasn't a lot of opportunities.

Yeah. I think it's the pot, too, though. I think it's like guys like Diaz and Ari and you and me, like there's a different sensibility. There's like a more generous sensibility. I think so. I mean, I think it's everything. For me, I'm big on generosity and I'm big on support. I think you have to do that with people around you.

It does become contagious, too. Yeah. When you have it done to you, you want to do it for other people, for sure. Yeah. It's giant. Yeah. Help out opening acts. Help out other comics.

As you rise up, they'll do the same. They'll do the same for the other guys. And you see them doing that for they'll start taking guys with them on the road right around yeah look man who do we like more than comics and where what do you who do you want to hang out with more than comedians you know and like they're we're the most fun for us to hang out with what we could say ridiculous shit and then we'll laugh at it we won't like well i don't know why you said that tom you shouldn't have called that lady a cunt especially not a friend and then you know I think you owe her son an apology I mean if I was her son I would have clocked you yeah yeah it's like the people wouldn't think

it's funny of course if you were working at Xerox and you said all that people would you know they bring your liability we gotta let you go it's true I know when those are the worst people that to to get stuck at a dinner with or something. You're like, oh, shit. Yeah. You just got to torture them. Yeah, it's the worst. Yeah.

I used to feel terrible when I was around those people. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me. Yeah, of course. Real stuck up, super conservative people. I would just think, oh, there's something wrong with me. Why do I think this way? Why do I always want to say the inappropriate thing? Yeah.

It's like a muscle twitch. You go, just see how far you can make it happen. Of course. You start talking. I can be an aviation in a foot race. You heard me. Put your money where your mouth is, asshole. Oh, my God.

And then you just see eyes widen and they're like, okay. And you're like, dude, we're not at a seminar right now. Right. And that's what's bullshit about seminars. Yeah. I mean, can you imagine if you were in the world of business? See, I really think this is one of the reasons why so many people are so fucked up and so depressed. And having your behavior limited into this very narrow and rigid parameters all day long and your livelihood and your success of your family and whether or not you can send your kids to a good school, all that depended upon whether or not you're willing to play the rules.

Yeah. You have to wear an outfit with a suit and a tie because if you don't, you might be unpredictable. And you show up with that T-shirt on. He's got a football shirt on at work. What the fuck? Is he drunk? What, is he crazy? Yeah. He's doing drugs. And you show up with that T-shirt on. He's got a football shirt on at work. What the fuck? Is he drunk? What, is he crazy? He's doing drugs? It's true.

You know what I mean? I've never let a joint around people that don't just light joints around people. Yeah, Elon Musk. Oh, yeah. Hey, Steckler, I crashed Tesla's stock by $9 billion. That's some stupid shit. So crazy. Yeah, but not really.

It bounced right back. It bounced back, but yeah. But it's that world. Like, the guy can't. First of all, we were drinking whiskey, okay? No one has a problem with that, which is way more of a hard drug, way more of a crazy drug than a little puff of a joint. We were drinking whiskey.

No one cared. We drank whiskey for three hours. No one cared. Smoked a little joint. I don't even think he inhaled. Didn't look like it. Didn't look like it. He just took a little puff. He looked like a ninth grader. He didn't know what to cared. Smoked a little joint. I don't even think he inhaled. Didn't look like it. Didn't look like it. He looked like a ninth grader. He didn't know what to do. He took a little puff. You know?

New kid at school. Just meets everyone. Oh, I do it too. Not bad. Yeah, fascinating. That is crazy. Another layer of it, you did it in California. Exactly. Totally legal. Totally legal.

Yeah. Yeah, it's no different than having that glass of whiskey. You know California said you could fly with it now? What? LAX said you could have an ounce of weed with you on an airplane. Really? They said we don't know what the fuck's going to happen when you land somewhere, but you can go through LAX with an ounce of weed.

I'm sorry. By the way, I looked up private suite after I talked to you. Oh. Super expensive. So expensive. So expensive. Stupid expensive. How did you know about it? Sam Harris.

He told me about it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, I like people. I don't mind going to the airport and saying hi to people. That thing is like $7,000 a flight. It's pretty. It was round trip, yeah. No.

No. I think it was $3,000. No, yeah. Well, the membership, I thought the membership was it. And they're like, membership gets you the prices. So you pay 4,500 to be a member and then 2,700 for a domestic flight per flight for like your own entrance, uh, you know,

whatever your own meals, your own check-in, your own, uh, TSA. Yeah. You get a little room. I think it,

I think it sounded cool for like like a family vacation or something you know if you're chris pratt it's definitely makes sense yeah yeah if you're some a-list actor type person who can't go anywhere yeah if you're tom cruise but he said but those guys they have to fly private they do they own their own planes yeah most of them you know they get there's a some article online about john travolta's yacht pull up john travolta's yacht it Pull up John Travolta's yacht. It's probably got. I bet if you went over that fucking thing with a black light, it would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Just be fucking splatters. Jesus. Just got a new yacht everywhere. Yeah, apparently. Well, the cabin boys place really is lighting up. Cabin boy place got five new yacht? Everywhere. Yeah, apparently. Well, the Cabin Boy's place really is lighting up. Cabin Boy's place got five locks on the door. He's got bolts on the inside and outside. All the deckhands are really worn out here.

He's got very weird latex outfits for them to wear. Yeah, it's the money that that fucking guy must have. God. He's got his own jet and he has his own jet jet. He has a 747. He has a 747? Yes. And he has a runway in his house.

He has multiple planes. Look at that. Full story behind Travolta's private jet fleet. Look at that. He's got his arm out the window. Do you think he flies with the window open? That's a fucking commercial plane. Yeah.

And the back room is just, it's all like a slip and slide with baby oil. That's all it is. Look at that. Look how many he has, it says. He's got multiple Gulfstreams. You know, he flew for Qantas as a commercial pilot. He did? Yes. Like on- They actually let him fly. for Qantas as a commercial pilot. He did? Yes.

Like on... They actually let him fly. He's that good of a pilot. Wow. That I think he has some sort of commercial standing with Qantas. He has a military jet. Just in case someone calls him a homo. Flies over and fucking guns him down.

That's really crazy. He's mad at him asking to get a handjob at a massage. That's his yacht? Yeah. That's his yacht. I didn mad at him Asking to get a handjob At a massage See if you That's his yacht Yeah That's his yacht Christ I didn't see any stories About it but it's

Hashtag baller Holy shit Yeah That is balling That's a crazy yacht man I mean that's like A hundred million dollar yacht Right there

Where did he make All his money I mean how much money Did he make from like Pulp fiction He had that one great movie about being a Russian spy or teaching his fort you know like his like

wealth like his wealth wealth wasn't he kind of depleted when Pulp Fiction was like around 93 and then that made him so famous and hot again that he was just he was a 20 million dollar movie guy for for while that was lasting

face off yeah all those movies face off so he's but he's doing terrible movies now yeah

is he yeah he did that Gotti movie it's supposed to be we should probably have a fight companion for Gotti I heard it was really bad I've heard it so bad

I'm in we should do we should do November rolls around we can get drunk again yeah yeah let's get hammered and watch this Gotti movie it's supposed to be a wretched sack of shit let's do it i'm in let's do it yeah yeah yeah we'll do that because we've been meaning to do

that what was the other terrible movie we're meaning to do that with i have it on it's called roar the movie about oh that's right that's right there was a movie where a guy who is a lion trainer actually made a movie with lions and a bunch of people that were making the thing. Oh, play the clip. Let's hear the clip. Do you have the wrong music playing? This is a scene slash trailer from God, it's a... Wait a minute, they're playing this music in there? from God he'd said.

Wait a minute. They're playing this music in there? The music is really the Sting song? That's how it was. A piece of shit movie this is. The trailer sucks. Look at this. This is like an acting class. Good.

Let it play out. Oh, will YouTube yank us for the audio? Look at him. There's a look he just did. Look at his face. Look at the truth. He looks so fake. Okay, kill it.

Kill it. I can't do this. This is so bad. I almost feel like you can't even do a mobster anymore. It's like it feels like a joke to play. You could do it, but it would have to be like, you have to bring James Gandolfini back to life. Like if James Gandolfini was alive today, he could do a Sopranos movie. Yeah, sure.

Because you believed it. Right. It's got to be authentic. Yeah, you'd believe it. It's got to be authentic. Yeah, you'd believe it. But he... You've got to be... It's got to be... I mean, Scorsese could probably do it again.

Like, it's just... There's just a bunch of people that are going to do it. He's got a new one coming. When he's playing young God, he just looks like a grown-up Danny Zuko. Hey, apparently Danny and the Greasers... I'll tell you what, man. T-Birds. After the Sopranos came on the air, everybody wanted to be Italian.

It was one of those gross moments in time where all these Italians were empowered, and they were all talking like goombas, and they all wanted to fucking get together and have pasta. A little fucking pasta together. Come on. They ramped it up. They take mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mo together. Come on. They like ramped it up. They take mozzarella. Mozzarella.

Mozzarella. Let's start doing the hand gestures like the guys. There's a lot of that going on. And, you know, as a person who's legitimately Italian, it was disgusting to me. It's like, you fucking apes. Like, what are you doing? You know? Yeah.

Yeah, you see it. Yeah, they ramped it up, you know? And then like Greek people are like, I'm Italian. Start pretending that they're... People would pretend. For sure. There was a time where there were so many auditions for so many fucking movies that was all about Italian.

All Italian, too. What is this? Life on the Line? A Powerline guy? Really? Come on. By the way, we should... This is probably worse

for sure. What the fuck? How about Urban Cowboy? This is the premise of Urban Cowboy. Urban Cowboy works on the line. We'll have a devil feature.

I thought that... It'll be a three hour night. We'll play Gotti and we'll play Life on the Line. We'll sing. We'll have people sync it up. This is what we'll do Life on the Line. We'll have people sync it up.

This is what we'll do. Mark those two. Mark those two movies. And so we'll get those on the Netflix. And after Sober October's over, we'll get fucking hammered. We'll bring a five-gallon jug of Tito's in here. And we'll play two movies. I love it.

I love it. I rented a Bruce Willis one to laugh at. I was like, this is going to be a piece of shit. And it didn't get bad until like 25 minutes were left. That was actually, this is a pretty good movie. What movie was this? I think it's called Death Wish, which I think it's a remake. Death Wish?

Bruce Willis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was actually really well done until like third act. Really? And then it like fell apart. But I'm watching it like this is going to be a piece of shit. And 30 minutes in, I'm like, it's a good fucking movie. It was like that with the snowman.

Did you see the snowman? Yeah, yeah. What was the snowman? Death Wish, Bruce Willis. It's better than I thought. Yeah. That movie got delayed for some reason. Why did it get delayed?

Because of mass shootings or something? Oh, boy. I think so. Mm. Yeah. Something along those lines. 6.4 at IMDB.

I mean, the trailer makes it seem like real dog shit. Yeah, but you're talking to me, a guy, I enjoyed Hudson Hawk.

I was a big Hudson Hawk was good. I enjoyed it. Marlboro Man. What was it I enjoyed it. Marlboro Man. What was it? Harley and the Marlboro Man. 8% of Rotten Tomatoes. Dude, the snowman ends.

What is it? Spoiler alert. The snowman ends. It's this guy. Don't spoil it. Dude, it's so ridiculous. It's so fucking ridiculous. What's it about?

It's about a serial killer who is leaving snowmans as hints. And he's cutting off body parts and then arranging them in the snow. Michael Fassbender is an alcoholic cop who is trying to solve it. Who's Michael Fassbender? That guy. Is he the guy from Alien? He's a great actor.

From Prometheus? I don't know. Is he the robot from Prometheus? It takes place abroad, right? Doesn't it? Yeah, it takes place. But man, I don't want to talk negatively, but Val Kilmer's performance is so disturbing that it pulls you out of the movie immediately.

Is he terrible in it? No, it's when he's going through the throat stuff. Dude. And they dubbed his voice. In what? In this? They had him dub his voice. So they took out his voice because he couldn't understand him, I guess.

And then they dubbed his voice. I mean, it's so bad that it throws you out and you're like you definitely should have just not had him in the movie Yeah, let him get healthy. I think he's doing better now. Hopefully no, I think he is I think he's gonna remission You know, I'll tell you what man. He fucking stole this show and Wyatt Earp Remember that Val Kilmer. Yeah, I'm your Huckleberry. Remember that shit? You name all the movies. Heat, The Doors. Yeah.

He was murderous. He was a monster. Murderous. Val Kilmer is a motherfucker of an actor. True genius. See if you can get that scene with Val Kilmer

as Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday in Wyatt Earp. The funniest piece of shit he made was The Saint. Did you see The Saint? I saw The Saint and I liked The Saint and I liked The Saint, and I liked The Saint, and I liked The Saint.

That was a superhero movie, right? No, it was like a spy. Like, I play. I get in disguise. Here, crank this up. Oh, my God. Oh, this is the very end. Okay, the audio will be pulled up.

This is a great fucking scene. This is a great scene. Just, the thing about this scene is you believe it. You just believe it. When that dude realizes it's the wrong guy. I didn't understand this scene until recently. People can't hear this on the YouTube? No?

Okay, so then we can talk? Yeah. I didn't understand that he's... This is him... The reason the guy... I didn't understand why the guy was scared. It's because Doc Holliday wants to die in a gunfight. Yeah, because he's dying. Yeah, he wants to be shot.

But also, he was killing everybody. Doc Holliday was a gunfight. Yeah, because he's dying. Yeah, he wants to be shot. But also, he was killing everybody. Doc Holliday was a fucking monster. And this guy was a wannabe badass. And he realized that Doc Holliday was going to fuck him up.

I've never seen this. You never saw this? Are you serious? I don't like westerns. I hate horses. You hate horses? I do. Why do you hate horses?

I don't know. I've just never liked them. Hey, this isn't about fucking horses, Tom. I don't like this time. I don't like westerns. I hate horses. You hate horses? I do. Why do you hate horses? I don't know. I've just never liked them. Hey, this isn't about fucking horses, Tom. I don't like this time. I don't like the aesthetic. Wait, you're lying. I swear to you, I don't like their hats. I'm serious. I don't like any of it. Are you shitting me? No. This is one of the best movies ever. Not interested. Because occasionally they

get on a horse? And I don't like their hats. Yeah. Can you look lower? It still bothers me. I like the mustaches. because occasionally they get on a horse and I don't like their hats yeah can you look lower and that still bothers me I like the mustaches look how sweaty yes yeah I got close they are to each other you think people really stood that close to each other and had gunfights oh yeah Oh, yeah. Dun-dun-dun. I wouldn't mind doing a gunfight with you, Tom.

Oh, shit. Come on. He wants them to shoot him now. Wow. It doesn't seem as good second time around. Maybe in the context of the entire movie. I love these mustaches. They all look like alt comics now. Kurt Russell was weird in the movie. That guy must make hand-batched ice cream.

Wait a minute. Are alt comics real anymore? I felt like that just evaporated. Yeah. Is that real? I think it's still real. Nah, they're still real. One of my favorite things, watching alt comics go up in the main room.

Yeah, you see it. You know, they kind of get walk-in shell-shocked they already know that it's not that their crowd you could see i didn't realize what that was until you just said it yeah i've seen it before and i've always been like ah is this your first time here and then you can see in their eyes and you're like oh you're gonna love it this is the greatest room in the world. Yeah. Man, that's so funny. Yeah.

They get more aggressive. You can tell it's like unnatural. They get aggressive about being progressive. What's up, motherfuckers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aggressively progressive. Yeah, I remember when Alt was like thought of as if you were Alt, you were like soft and progressive and sensitive and kind. Now alt is right.

Like alt-right. You think of alt, you think of alt-right. Oh, yeah. Like that's all you hear about now is like alt-right, which is like assholes. You think of racism. You think of xenophobia. Like that word alt got sort of hijacked. That's true.

Yeah. I didn't even think about that, but it does. You say alt, most people's mind will definitely go alt-right. Yeah, over the last few years. Right, but in the context in the world of comedy, it actually, oddly, usually implies somebody who's probably far to the left. Yeah, but only with us, I think. Right, only within comedy.

With audiences, I don't think they even know that expression anymore. That's probably true. I feel like alt universally, publicly, has sort of been hijacked by alt-right, or at least the definition of it has been hijacked by alt-right people. That's true. That is true. Right? I guess I don't – yeah, I guess so. I assume there's got to be an alt-left, right?

Well, I think there was, but I think the problem is once you say alt, now everybody just thinks right. See, I would automatically – Yeah, but the term alt-left sounds made up. Yeah. But what are they alternative to the right of? It's the idea that it's young right. So, okay, but assholes. So the right, if you think of conservative you would think of like Lindsey Graham

You think of like people that are probably racist, but they keep it under wraps Slippery shoes and Lindsey Graham was a chick until this week I thought it was a six million dollar woman. Well, he's got that southern accent that you can't tell if it's gay or not. It's the same thing. I'll do the clown. This is the biggest in my food hole. Yeah. This is weird watching these Kavanaugh hearings.

The whole thing is so strange. You've got to keep your head down if you do not agree with the... I just tweeted that can you imagine defending your high school yearbook that's all i tweeted i saw that and it was a fucking shit show i saw that yeah and i was like i was like i'm fucking out yeah you can't people can't recognize that you're not in support of this guy you're not in support of anything like but it's it's a real thing and i'm not gonna sit

there and virtue signal simply so that people know oh i'm on your team i'm just i'm just a fucking comedian you're just making an observation really yeah can you imagine defending your six your high school yearbook do you guys remember you remember hicks's bit about clarence thomas no no i'm sure i've heard it hicks had a bit about clarence thomas when they were they were trying to bring him into Supreme Court. Oh, man, I wish I could remember exactly how the bit went, but it was a great bit.

But it was about his porn collection. You know, like Mr. Hicks. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Familiar at all with Clam Lappas, Volume 1 through 9. All of them? That's what it says. All of them?

Yeah. It was just like this funny bit, but like, you know, examining. That was funny, by the way. Lindsey Graham, do you see, like, after he left, where they decided, they voted on that they're going to, well, they voted it's going to move to the floor, but they decided, like, you know, we'll try to do this extra week of the FBI investigation. And then he goes, somebody's going to have to explain this to Trump. I guess that'll be me.

Like to the press. Basically, that is a not so subtle way of being like, dumb, dumb doesn't get it. Did you see what Trump said to one of the fucking reporters today? No. One of the female reporters said, he pointed to a woman and he said, go ahead. And he goes, she's speechless. She can't believe I called on her. And she goes, well, I didn't think he goes, yeah, you don't think, yeah, I get that. I'm sorry. And she goes, I'm sorry, sir. Like, listen to this. Listen to this.

Listen to this. You never do. Listen to this. Listen to this. He can't help himself. He's crazy. Yeah. She's shocked that I picked her. It's like in a state of shock i'm not thinking that's okay i know you're not thinking you never do i'm sorry no go ahead what whoa that's our president that's such a crazy thing to say to someone yeah no i know you're not thinking you never do she must be someone that's written really negative things about him he knows you know he's got that hit list and everything is this That piece of shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

The whole thing's madness. He keeps a record here. They have records of anyone who's slided him, anyone who's written anything bad, said anything. For sure, man. See, I'm not confrontational. I don't like confrontation. So there's part of me that goes, like I always thought, I wish Kim Jong-un would be a fan so I could go over and party with him For a week

What? I don't know man What the fuck is wrong with you? What? You don't think that way? No You don't think that way? Yeah

Luth dictator's back Just fucking Fucking party with him bro Yeah You wanna party with him? I would Really? Yeah

Yeah Like Fidel Castro Would've been cool It would be crazy too If you went over there Partied with him And then Just like on a whim?

No, like the next morning when you're like, I had the best time. He's like, send him to a labor camp. Fuck this guy. Send him to a labor camp. Yeah, fuck you. You want to lose some weight? How about I give you one grain of rice a day? Oh, man.

That would be funny. And you drink piss. My piss. That's it. You want to stay hydrated? Here's a jug of piss. I guess I'm the only one that thinks that way. Yeah. No one wants to go party with him.

Are you serious? Ruthless dictator. You get offered a private gig. They're like, hey man, it's in Pyongyang. We're going to fly you private. Are we getting paid before? I kind of need a little bit up front, I think. Maybe a deposit? We're going to fly you private. It's going paid before? I kind of need a little bit up front, I think. Maybe a deposit? We're going to fly you private. It's going to be really amazing.

A million dollars. Super private. You know what flying private's like? Sitting down. So awesome. Just sitting down. Why would that be amazing? You're sitting.

Yeah. It's not like you're flying private. People are rubbing your feet and sucking your dick. No, but I think you're... Eating your ice cream. It's the best ice cream ever. There's amazing movies playing. The music is fucking full 3D surround sound. Of course, you could make all

those things happen if you want. Yeah, if you want to fly private. Dan Belzerian probably does that when he flies private. It's the draw for flying private. Obviously, I can't afford it. I mean, I guess I afford it. I just wouldn't make any money on the road. But is that you get done and you go home. You get done and you go road. But is that you get done and you go home. You get done and you get on a plane and you fly home.

Or you just wait 20 minutes and you save $30,000. Not 20 minutes. Wouldn't it be nice to get on a plane? You fly private, you fucking cuck. I've done it. Are you calling him a cuck? Yeah. Why are you calling him a cuck?

I have no idea. He's just insulting. How does that make him a cuck? You fly private, though. I don't fly private. You have flown private. For like a couple of times. But it was never like because I was like, I just got to get home. It was just, you know, instead of doing crazy transpo to get to a gig, yeah, for a short

flight, though. I don't do it like on a regular basis. Called him out. He just called him out for flying private. I saw that. Because I never thought about it. And then he was like, wouldn't that be nice? And I was like, yeah, it would. You know what's one of the grossest celebrity things ever is the posing in front of the

private jet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it doesn't, you know what? Comedians don't do that, though. Yes, they do. Oh, I guess they do. Yeah, yeah. Black ones.

But I'm saying like our friends. Well, not our friends. No, I know. I know. I know a few that suck that do it. Yeah, I've seen. Are you looking at me? No.

I'm looking at you because you know who I'm talking about. I mean, there's only a few that do it. It's just a weird thing. It's like you're saying. But Bert would definitely pose in front of it shirtless. You know he would. Okay, okay. That's different.

What if we were all on a private jet flying somewhere and we posted that's different would that be okay yeah because that's like a gig in aspen to celebrate after sober october's over we decided to book a gig together and we all was shirtless hammered on the runway looking ripped because we're gonna lose shit loads of weight this month sure sure and we all pose that's fine right let's do this i'm really excited now how much how what's the most amount of points you've gotten in a month in a month yeah And we all pose? That's fine, right? Let's do this. I'm really excited now. What's the most amount of points you've gotten in a month? In a month?

Yeah. I think it was just under 4,500, I think. 4,500 is a lot. Yeah. The most I've seen somebody do was 7,000. 7,000? Yeah. 7,000. Whoa, that's crazy.

Yeah. But that's like you're really, really going after it all the time, you know? Probably all 30 days. That's more than twice of what I did for 15 days, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's crazy. That's a lot of work.

Oh, here's the thing we didn't discuss, though. What's the bet? What are the stakes? What are we doing? Right, right. What are we doing? What happens if you win? What happens if you lose?

First of all, it's just us because Ari isn't even in this bet. He actually goes will it gauge my long walks in New York? We couldn't stop giggling because we just pictured Ari shirtless in New York with a chest strap on. You get five points, you fuck. I don't think he's going to be able to. Sandhope called me and said he wanted to do it.

Well, he's not going to do this, though. Yeah, he's not going to do this. And he's also not going to. He's like sober October-ish. I can't go off everything or I'll have a stroke. Well, it's not that he can't go off everything. He just can't go off it immediately. He's actually going to a doctor this week, and he's going to get himself checked out,

which is a rare thing. Stanhope, I don't know if you know this, Stanhope has sort of a policy to not go to the doctor. And when it breaks, he dies. Yeah. That's his idea. His idea, he doesn't want MRIs, doesn't want diagnoses, doesn't want recommendations, doesn't want, you know, prescriptions. But he is going this week. He's going to go this week to get himself checked out to make sure that he can go. So I think, I mean, as much as Stan Hope is sort of a fatalist and he loves being this lovable drunk,

it can't feel good to just always be drunk. It just can't feel good. I know he's taken time off before. I know he's taken time off before smoking as well. I know he quit smoking for quite a while at one point in time. I think he would like to be healthier. I mean, I know he would. He would have more energy.

I think it would make his comedy better. I really do. Not that his comedy is not amazing. It is. But I just think he'd have more energy. Yeah. You know? Energy is a big thing.

So I think, and I also think he's just something to do and connects him to us. He's out there in fucking bumfuck Bisbee, Arizonabee Arizona yeah with a bunch of dorks yeah I like I like partying out there there's fun as fuck you like partying anywhere yeah you do I do party in North Korea you fuck yeah yeah the invites out there yeah I hope to God someone just put this in front of them encrypted email thank you they go Kim, and then I want you to watch a machine story. And then he watches the machine and he goes, ah, let's make another one. Let's make new stories. I've had moments where people go, we could get you into some trouble.

And I get fucking scared. I was with a group in Tanzania that were like, we're going to go kidnap a baby elephant if you're into it. God damn, dude. Kidnap a baby elephant. Yeah, another tribe had kidnapped this elephant from a sanctuary they're gonna kidnap it back and the messiah was going in to kidnap it back and i was like part you put a part of me is like if you get a little bit of a buzz i'm in but that was just that sounds like a good way to die yeah yeah yeah good instagram video so yeah yeah it's all about

the insta stories the um how do you have the time to do those Insta stories? Because doesn't that interfere with actual life? How often are you present in real life when you're doing... I look at your dots on your Insta story and I'm like, Jesus, there's like 70 dots. No, I don't ever put that many. I'll probably put up 10 a day. Is that your thing? Yeah.

What's that? Is that mine or yours? Yours. Might be mine. Why is it beeping? Do I take it off of this? No, having it hanging like that. But sometimes it'll just do it anyways.

But yeah, it's fine like that. Will this beep when I'm working out? If it beeps, one beep means it's on. That three beep means off. I shut all the beeps off on the app so I could use it in yoga class. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I don't want it beeping. Of course. You know? Yeah. You know you can wet those sensors, right? Yeah. I don't want it beeping. Of course. You know? Yeah. You know you can wet those sensors, right? If you want it to get a good reading to start. It worked out. Yeah, great.

It was good. I look at Insta stories. I look at Instagram as part of business. Is that me? It beeped again. Fucking thing's annoying. You look at it as part of business. I look at it as part of my business.

And so I go, I am very present in life. I don't Inst's the story everything but like in moments like when the rat runs into our house I definitely lens the story that and I always have my phone on me. It's in my pocket I like how you're like, I'm very present and then right before we start you're like I'm terrible at this at home I was dude. I'm not a good parent. I'm taking care of my kids by myself My wife somewhere traveling abroad. Look at all these dots, bro. That ain't 10 dots.

Look at this. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I can see eight dots. Yeah. Looks like more. I sent Isla to school with a bag of rice. But it's only 1 p.m. and you have eight dots already. Well, there's some from last night and yesterday.

It's 24 hours. Okay. And you have eight dots already. Well, there's some from last night and yesterday. It's 24 hours. Okay. But yeah, I'm parenting by myself. I can't do.

I'm not good at it. It's a good chance to bond with your kids. It is. Or they realize exactly how out of touch you are with their lives. Well, I'm not one for giving parental advice, but what I would say to do is abandon all other things you do while you're doing it. So think of yourself as like a mom, like a house mom. Instead of trying to squeeze it in with all the other shit you do, you won't be good at it if you do that. If my wife goes somewhere and I have to just take care of my kids, I don't do anything else. I schedule nothing.

Nothing else. If I do a podcast, I have to do it during the day while the kids are at school. And then once they're – I don't go to – I don't do shows that night. I don't do shit. I just hang out with them. Yeah. And we do shit. Make sure I do – like I take them to a pottery class or we'll go to, you know,

like fucking Dojo Boom, one of those bouncy places. They have trampolines and shit. Just do stuff with them. I do that. But leave your phone off. Leave your phone off. Your kids are there. Unless you want your wife to contact you, maybe that.

But don't look at your Twitter. Just hang out with them. You have to have rules in your head. My kids are a lot older than your kids, though. Yeah, but still, you want to interact with them. It doesn't matter how old they are. I know, but your kids are still young. Mine are like 14 and 12.

Yeah, but don't you hang out with them and do stuff with them? Last night we watched Deadpool. Cool. We're going out to dinner tonight. Perfect. Yeah, but just the actual getting up. I was telling Tom I got up at 545 to make them breakfast, and my oldest daughter had already pulled the trash out, it by the door back door for me to take out

Was literally gave me a speech and was like just so you know You need to be ready to go at 545 like you can't just get up at 545 and kind of like Slow roll into the morning time of school She they've got to be she gotta be a school at 8. I think but it's she's lecturing you That's what I said. And Leanne was loving it. Leanne called. She's like, yeah, you've got to get going.

You can't just get up and be regular Bert. You're daddy on duty. I made the mistake of saying I was going to make pancakes. Everyone was like, you don't have time to make pancakes. And I was like, guys, if I'm going to make pancakes, I'm making pancakes. I've got the batter stirred, and they're like, we need something else. We're already hungry. We've got to go. And so, yeah, we need something else. We're already hungry. We gotta go. And so, yeah, we're on a schedule. Leanne's a

gangster with that shit. I just, when you fold me into her life, my brain doesn't work like that. Right, right. Yeah, I get that. But it's like, when you're just hanging out with them, just them, it's, you gotta realize this, I mean, it's for everyone that has kids. You only have a few

of these years. You know? You only have a few of these years. You know? You only have a few. And then next thing you know, they're adults. And it happens quick. Yeah. So 14, it happened overnight. You know, I have friends that don't have good relationships with their kids.

And it's weird. It's weird to see. That sucks. It sucks. It sucks. You know? It sucks. It's weird to see kids that are resentful, angry at you.

You got that coming for sure. Yeah, for sure, right? Yeah. Is that coming? No, teenagers are just tough, man. It is tough. Well, first of all, being a teenager is fucking tough. You got to remind them over and over again, you're dealing with a torrential downpour of hormones that you just don't know what to do with. You remember what that was like?

Yeah, yeah. You're so confused all the time. Totally confused. Your body's in fucking disarray. And probably for you, it's probably exacerbated by them being this generation and knowing that you're racist. You know what I mean? Don't start that shit. And always drunk.

So fucking annoying. You're always drunk and racist. And then the CrossFit people are picketing outside your house. So what are our stakes? That's what we haven't worked out. Okay, so the most you've ever gotten is, so what did I get today? 200 or something like that? What did I get? 211.

Yeah. So 211. That's a normal workout for you, right? Yeah, I think 200 is a good, strong workout, yes. A good, normal workout. So if you get 200... Well, if I did 200 twice a day... Jesus, man. How many

days a week you plan on doing that? I'm going hard, son. I'm trying to kill Bert. I'm in for the challenge. That Mickey Mantle gene, I want you to say that Mickey Mantle gene's real. Oh, shit. You've yet to acknowledge it. But you just heard what he's doing.

I know, and I understand that. I have the accessibility to get there. I'm up for the challenge. But you're planning on, Joe, you're planning on essentially planning on 400 points a day? And you want it six days a week, let's say? Yeah, at least.

I might try seven days a week. So how about that? I think if I do different things. That's true. That's the key to it. 8,000 points. I want to try for 8,000. The only thing is I have a hunting trip that's going to take me away for six days. I have a cruise that's going to take me away for five.

Cruise. But when I'm doing the hunting trip. Stay sober. I know. I have no idea. I think Bobby Kelly's going. But when I'm doing the hunting trip, like I'll send this to you, Jamie. You see what a typical day in the mountains is.

That's some of the most brutal workouts i've ever done because you're hiking at altitude and when you're at altitude man it's fucking i did 12 miles a day 31 000 steps shit 116 floors at 8,100 feet. Well, just so you know, if you wore it. That's a typical day in the mountains hunting. If you wore it, by the way, for that, it would come out to some crazy number. How many steps did you say? That's 31,000 steps. 12 miles. 12 miles in the mountains.

But the thing is the elevation. You're going up and down hills and stepping over logs and you're always always breathing heavy i mean it's it's rough are you gonna wear it for that fuck yeah okay yeah jesus christ okay fuck i guess i'm running another marathon i mean that's working out you know how many times I have to run around that goddamn cruise ship? Yeah. All right, so 120,000 points a year, a month, would be you doing two a day. No, you can't get that many points. What?

There's no way. What are you talking about? We're talking 8,000 at the most. He said 4,500 was his best month, and that's crazy. That was out like probably 22 or 23 days and doing you know something like yeah 200 plus points each time that's amazing okay so 8,000 is no yeah that's crazy okay your best months 4,000 no my the without like being in a competition I've hit 43 4400 let's say okay okay joe immediately would get 6 000 if you just did what you did today every day of this month close to it if i did it every

day every day but that was just the morning workout i'm doing two days we're all doing two days i get this we're back in high school here we go i have to someone call the fucking rock so he's getting nervous I know we're going to have stakes on this This makes me more excited than anything It's good Whatever it is, we should all come in even And just make Ari pay for everything

I love it He's never going to catch up to us And big shout out, we've said it before But he really did come through on that bet He did I'm saying when he took us to the game He bought crazy tickets Shout out, I mean, we've said it before, but he really did come through on that bet. He did. I'm saying when he took us to the game, he bought crazy tickets, and I thought they were much less. He gave us a first-class experience. Nice.

And we should make him do it again. Yeah, like what would be the stakes? Well, it's got to be something that we can all participate in. Floyd Mayweather, Manny Pacquiao, too. That's a great one. Front row. We're talking about... Look at that. Yeah. By the way, say whatever you want about me being

on my phone the entire time. I have the best fucking video from that of the last, them scoring a touchdown. Yeah, it's great. I videotaped that touchdown and then cut to Tom and Ari. Ah, nice. Yeah, no, it's great. I videotaped that touchdown and then cut to Tom and Ari. Ah, nice. Yeah, no, it's great. That was a really fun fucking weekend.

That was. Dude. Look how big that place is. That's where Larry the Cable Guy performs. Oh, my God. Fucking nuts. He does. He performs in places like that.

That's how big his audiences are. When's Floyd Mayweather Pacquiao? I don't know. I think it's in December. Is it in December? Yeah, I think tentatively, yeah. Would you guys even want to see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would definitely go to that. Oh, my God, yeah. Okay. It might be in Japan, though. What? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, I'm fucking so into this.

It might be. They haven't booked it yet, so I don't know. There's just talk that it might be there. Wow. Guys, let's go to that. Seriously. In Japan? Damn.

That sounds crazy. But also, that's like asking Ari to cough up 100 grand. Yeah, we're not flying coach, Ari. No way. Not flying coach across the ocean. Hey, you lost the bet. There's no way he could win, right? So someone has to win.

Someone has to win. But more importantly, one person is going to lose. Oh, yeah. So if you beat me and I beat you, that don't mean shit because we're all beating Ari. Right. It's like a skins game. But you know he's going to be like, I'm not doing the fucking points. Maybe.

Maybe he's listening to this right now and he's stewing. Should we call him? It's true. He's getting angry. And he's sober, which might make him stew even more. Right. He's like, fuck you. I'm going to win.

I'm going to fucking win. What if Ari goes crazy and just fucking goes whole hog every day? He could. Six hours a day, takes spin classes and CrossFit classes, and wears it during jiu-jitsu. Floyd Mayweather, his plan to come back in Tokyo before his rematch with Manny Pacquiao. Oh.

Ooh. This was a couple weeks ago, so. Oh, so he wants a tune-up fight. Huh. That might not be real. Yeah, it might not be. Yeah, I'm, you know. Would you go to that?

Would you go to the fight, though? Yes. It'd be an interesting fight. I mean, they're both past their prime. But it'd still be a fun event, too. Yeah. I mean, Manny Pacquiao just knocked out Lucas Matisse, and Floyd hasn't fought in a year since he beat Conor McGregor.

But that's not a real boxing. I mean, it's a boxing match, but it's not a boxing match at an elite level. Like if he was boxing Terrence Crawford or someone who's like at the very top now, he's not in that kind of like zone right now. But he's still the best ever. If not the one of a handful of the greatest boxers in the history of the world ever. You know, no question. What we should do is tier the winnings.

First place pays for nothing. Whole weekend. I like this idea. Second place pays for their tickets, whatever's least expensive. Pays for their ticket and nothing else. Third place pays for all hotels.

Or tier it off so that the last place just pays the most out but he's not dropping plays for all hotels. Or something like that. Tear it off so that the last place just pays the most out, but he's not dropping 20 grand. Right, so let's say the last place person has to cover flights, but they can use their miles. See, the problem is Ari's bets are like, no, no, no, the loser has to wear a beard of my pubes. Yeah, and he's got to clean his face with my cum.

You guys scared me? All of his fucking, all of his suggestions. So psychotic. We have to drink all of our piss? And Leanne saw that over my shoulder and she goes, no, no, we're not drinking everyone's piss. He said like, you gotta be a panhandler for six

hours on the corner. I was like, I'm into that already. Yeah, he wanted us to do really ridiculous shit, like walk down the street naked. The tears of paying for it, so it's a good idea. Right, so one person doesn't take the whole beating. First place pays nothing all weekend. But that's true. The first place should be, I don't cover shit.

The first place should get like a belt. We should make a belt. Sure. Sober October belt. A real one? Like a real, real one? Yeah, like a WWE belt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sober October. Oh, let's do that. Yeah, we need a Sober October belt. Champ. Who's the champ? Yeah. Jamie, this is a project. I need you to look up where you would get a pro wrestling belt.

And not no knockoff shit. No, no. Nice one. Brass. Oh, my God. I just found my inner voice when I work out. That fucking belt. Oh, my God.

I'm in. Inner voice. I'm fucking so excited. Inner voice. So you're going to start doing two a days? I might be doing three days. Whoa. Look at him.

Look at him. He's serious. He's excited now. Dude. Oh, I found my inner fucking... Now tell him he he ain't shit and there's no way he'll win. This will fire him up even more. I know. Tell me I can't run a marathon.

You definitely ran a marathon. But there's no way you'll win this, though. There's no way you'll win this. Wow, Tommy's got reverse psychology. Look, he got a Pepsi belt. Who the fuck wants a Pepsi belt? I know a guy. He's diabetic.

So what should we have on the uh is that me up on the right there i think it's uh it is you oh no sorry the bearded gentleman belt okay so we found a company that makes belts what is the name of this company pro and belts.com nice okay so we need uh some sort of a logo. We need like Sober October is definitely the name of it. The Sober October belt. The undisputed Sober October champ. And we like diamonds, man.

Oh, yeah. What should we have on it? It should be our faces engraved in it. Should it be like the no smoking sign, no boo sign? Yeah, yeah, yeah. no pills on the side? No needles. You mean on the sides? Airwood needles, piles of coke. And then a guy trying to suck his own dick

and we'll just tell everyone it's yoga? Yeah, so we'll have to come up with how long does it take to make one of these belts? Hopefully less than a month. Let's find out. Whoever Pro-Am belts, if you're listening, three to four weeks. Oh, perfect. We better get on it.

We gotta get on it. This is gonna be so much fucking fun. So if we finish the design by the end of this week, we might be able to have it at the end of the month. You might be holding up that belt. Hold up that belt. How's that feel? Feels great, man.

Tommy, you definitely will not be holding up the belt. I'll definitely be. See them here, Joe. No way. Wow. There's no does that feel? It feels great, man. Tommy, you definitely will not be holding up the belt. I'll definitely be. It's either me or Joe. No way. There's no way. Flights, lodging, tickets. He's just missing you. There's no way.

He had $4,500 in a month. You've never worked out with him. I've worked out with him. What happens? Oh, he gives up. Did we ever work out together? No. We've done hotel pre-show.

That's right. We worked out before. We did. Actually, when we were in Phoenix, we we went to uh like a mma gym oh that's right yeah that's right we did we worked out yeah i tom and i used to go to uh barry's boot camp together what happened i i don't mind throwing up if i work out like i like and then it seems like you enjoy it i do because i i know that i've done it as hard as I can do it. Hmm. I get it. I've thrown up before.

A girl came into my green room this weekend and threw up. She thought she was looking for the bathroom and just fucking threw up in my green room. That's your kind of crowd. And I went, and I started throwing up. I started throwing up. By the way, your promo you showed me, it's going to bring in more vomiters, just so you know. I cut a promo. I'm doing, it'll be dropping next Monday.

We're announcing my tour next week. But I cut a promo. It's all you hurling? No, no, no. It's just what it's like being at one of my shows. Yeah. And it's fucking chaos. It's chaos.

Yeah. Well, your shows are chaos. Yeah. You're not doing just a comedy show. You've got like a whole party experience happening. Well, yeah. I mean, stand up. It's stand up straight. Stand up.

A lot of times I do a meet and greet. People get to talk and hang out. I think as a fan I like that so I do that and then a lot of times at the end of the night and a lot of times I go I'll be at the bar next door and everyone goes to the bar. Those are fucking crazy. Do you think you can do that when the

crowds get to like 3,000, 4,000? Of course not. i don't know i actually had a real lucid conversation about what meet and greets are going to look like on this theater tour because i don't want to get rid of the meet and greets it means it as silly as it sounds but i think it means something for them to hang out it does and i don't want to charge like 100 bucks for a meet and greet but i definitely can't do 1200 people. Like I did when I did the Wilbur, I told everyone to go meet me at the bar next door and it was fucking chaos. I mean, it was like, like literally elbow to assholes.

Yeah. And I just was not, I didn't get to hang out with anyone. I was just taking pictures over and over and over again. Right. Right. So I want to try to figure out some workaround for a meet and greet for this theater tour because dude, when I go to Scandinavia, I want to meet podcast fans. You know one thing that annoys me?

Those pictures where people have stacks of pictures they want you to sign and they sell them. Oh, yeah, yeah. That does not take a picture with me. No. That's not, will you sign this for my friend? That's not, will you sign this for me? That's like you're asking me to work. Yeah.

And they're fucking shameless. And they come out with the one. Like, hey you go oh yeah and then the the six behind it come to the side and they're like and this and this and this and this it's not some guy the other day had 30 yeah whoa yeah they they're running near the airport and there's like six dudes and they have stacks yeah like hey man you're you're showing up and you want me to work this is what you're doing you want me to stop what i'm doing and you think it's all it's only five minutes of your time yeah that's true but you're not really a fan you're just a guy trying to get me to work for sure this is you sign them no i signed one i say i'll sign one i'll sign one they get mad like some guy got mad in

philly remember that dude got upset he's like do you know why you're famous you're fans and i was like you're not a fan you just told me you're not a fan. He told me. He literally told me. He's like, you don't even sell well. He goes, you sell for like $7. I go, I don't give a fuck what they sell for. My autograph sells for. You don't even sell well.

I go, I sell. I said, don't show up at the airport and harass me then. I'll sign one. Do you do a meet and greet? You used to do a meet and greet today. I used to do, I'll still do that. But I used to do meet and greets at the Chicago Theater for 3,700 people.

I would wait and take photos with everybody for hours and hours. That's cool as fuck, I think. But you can't do it anymore. People got too crazy. As the podcast got crazier and crazier, people got crazy, and they would hold onto your arm and want to tell you how you changed their life and want to tell you long stories. I'm like, look, there's 500 people behind you waiting i can't give you 15 minutes here yeah i can't give you five minutes i just it just got too strange and it just got too many people wanting to get

on the podcast like you got to get me on i'm gonna tell you my story about beating drug addiction like i'm sure it's a great story i can't't get you on. Stop. This is not how this works. There's just too much of that. If it was just, hi, I want to take a picture. I had a good time. Great. But it's not that. Then it's all these agenda-driven people that want to do things, and they want you to do

things for them. They think there's too many people that have been on the podcast that are just regular folks, and then they get on the podcast and now people know about them and so a lot of people think like hey if i just got on the podcast that would make my career totally you know whether they're a singer or they have a book or this it just gets too annoying yeah just it's just it's too overwhelming but the meet and greet is actually like it's like part of your brand i feel like. Seriously. Yeah, it definitely is.

Like when we did that theater run with Sal Vacano and Nate and all those guys. Yeah. No, I'm just moving. Oh, yeah. None of the guys wanted to do a meet and greet. And there was like a thousand people waiting outside the theater. And I thought, I just thought, but that's different because that's who I am. the theater and I thought I just thought but that's different because that's who I am like if I go see a band I am I am like super compelled to go talk to them and tell them how great I

thought they were I don't part of that is who I am and so I went out and did pictures with everyone waiting in the alley at the Chicago theater and I was like and then but when someone goes dude you have no idea I love the podcast I love Tommy I love the weight loss I beat you know I love that interaction I remember one time I'm I was in Scotland and I was like I love the weight loss I love that interaction I remember one time I was in Scotland and I was like I just hit it out hey does any fans want to go have a beer with me and these three guys showed up and it was right when Bobcat was on your podcast

and we just bullshitted about Bobcat's appearance we'd all listen to it but I don't know what I'd like to maybe charge only to like weed out the people that don't want to yeah but see there's the problem. I'm not, that's,

I'm philosophically opposed to making people pay for pictures and making people pay to hang out with you. I just, I don't think it's right, but there should be a way to like, just, yeah, but there's not in the herd.

Here's the thing. Unless you charge money or pick people. So like, there's a company now that does that. They do these VIP things and, and someone brought it up to me and like, you can make this. I'm like, I now that does that. They do these VIP things. And someone brought it up to me. And they're like, you can make this money. I'm like, I'm not doing it.

And they go, but you can make some money. Stop. I'm not doing it. I used to do it for free forever. I stopped doing it because too many people got too weird. But I'm not going to charge people. I'm just not going to do it. But I know a lot of fucking people that do.

A lot of people. And they make a lot of money doing it. You used to do it, right? What, the meet and greet? Yeah. Yeah, I used to also feel like, you know, honestly, like, I like meeting people. I meet people on the street. I meet them when I walk out of the back of the venue.

There's people there. I always meet people. But I just don't, I don't, I'm not that good at the meet and greet. I'm just not that comfortable with it. I don't like it that much. It's definitely not, I mean, not being shitty, but it's not you. You're not like I'm not very social. There's also people that, there's people that are demanding

and they're like, oh, you don't love your fans because you don't want to do this extra thing for me. No, no, no. Here's the arrangement. The arrangement is I work hard on my act. I do a lot of sets. I prepare, take the show very seriously. I come to town. I try to do a kick of sets. I prepare, take the show very seriously. I come to town.

I try to do a kick-ass show. That's the arrangement. Thank you. Good night. Our deal's done. Now, if you think that you have to tell me some fucking life story for 20 minutes or I'm not your friend, like, no. That's not it. This is not the arrangement.

This is not. Like, you're demanding too much. And you're also not aware of how many other people would want to do the same thing. Yeah. It would be impossible. It's untenable. You can't do it. There's too many humans. I would say that for me, anybody who wants to wait outside that door, I'll meet anybody.

Dude, you fucked up, son. Shouldn't have said that. That was a mistake. They're not going to wait. They're coming right now. They're getting ready. They're camping. They have a little trailer out there right now.

Tom and I are so – it's amazing that we're friends because we're so very different men. There was once a comment on his Instagram that made me laugh so hard compared to my comments. It was, hey, Tom, I'm really sorry for looking at you at the airport. No, he said, I'm sorry I said hi to you. Oh, yeah, sorry I said hi to you at the airport. No, he said, I'm sorry I said hi to you. Oh yeah, sorry I said hi to you at the airport. But it's just Tom's face, just like he's not needy. That's what it is. And so when

some guy said hi, Tom went, hi. And then the guys didn't know what to say and walked away. He came up, I still remember it. I was at the Atlanta airport. He's a barista that you might want to murder. He came over as I was about to take the escalator at Hartsfield Jackson And he goes hey I'm a big fan

I go oh hey man And it was like a quick thing He was like big fan I go thanks a lot I appreciate it Got on the escalator never thought twice And then he wrote I'm sorry that I bothered you At the airport I was like you didn't bother me at all That's just someone who's trying to get a reaction from you

He's not really sorry. Yeah. And also, there was nothing to be sorry for, you know? I'm the exact opposite. But he was like... He just wants to keep it going. Right. Hey, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. Can I hang out with you? Right. What's your dick taste like? But Bert, yeah, no one would ever apologize. Dude, I was at the hotel. The Bella tour was going on this weekend in San Jose. And so it was all fucking fighters, right?

I ran into Big John McCarthy in the elevator. What a great guy. He's a great guy. Dude, he's like, I knew who he was, but I didn't want to like, I was afraid and I was just working out. And he was like, hi, just get done working out. I was like, yeah, I wouldn't want to bother him. He goes, we have a mutual friend.

And I was like, does he know who I am? He was like, Joe Rogan. And I went, I know exactly who the fuck you are. And then, but. I just saw that big cock. It's a big fella. No, no, John, it's a different guy. I'm sure John has a big dick too.

Musashi's got a fucking hammer. When did you see Musashi's dick? In the fucking sauna. You saw his dick? Dude, it was, it's legit. Of course. He called me about it. He called you about Mus saw his dick? Dude, it was legit. Of course. He called me about it. He called you about Musashi's dick?

I didn't see the fight because the fight's on some new streaming thing called DAZN. It's called DAZN. They have a whole commercial about how dumb the name is with Michael Buffer. They have a commercial about how dumb... How do you spell it?

D-A-Z-N. The Zone? And it's about... He's joking about... I know what I'm saying. It's called The Zone. Yeah, that's what it's called. But it's not Zone.

There's no O. Amen. You can't change how people pronounce things phonetically. That's stupid. Someone probably made it and they got stuck. Well, Musashi just beat the shit out of Rory McDonald, stopped him in the second round. I didn't even get a chance to see it because I thought it was going to be on TV. And so I went to check my Bellator on my DVR and it wasn't even there.

Did he beat him with his dick? Beat the shit out of him with his dick. He could have. I don't know how that guy cut weight with that fucking hog on his dick. Hammered him with his cock. Wow. I want to see that footage now. How big?

10 inches? I'll tell you what, it's bigger than this. No. That fatter than a water bottle? Bro. I'll tell you right now. See, at a certain point in time, your dick becomes a liability when it's as fat as a water bottle. For sure.

I don't know how he brought that into the ring with him. Like, every girl, I mean, he's probably unsatisfied. Totally. All the time. As soon as they pull it out, they're like, hold on a second. They're like, get out of here. Out! And he's like, he weighs 172.

He was weighing 172 that day because I got on the scale after he did. No, no, he weighs more than that. He fights at 185. He cuts weight to get to 185. He used to be a light heavyweight champion. So he used to be fighting at 205. Maybe I looked at the scale after he did. No, no, he weighs more than that. He fights at 185. He cuts weight to get to 185. He used to be a light heavyweight champion. So he used to be fighting at 205. Maybe I looked at the thing wrong. Maybe I looked at the scale wrong.

And I think the scale was off because it said, I'm going to say, now that I say that. Did it say you weighed 195? It said I weighed 230 something. If Gegard could make 172, he would destroy everyone in the welterweight division. He's a murderer. Is that how you say his name? He's big. Gegard Mousasi.. He would destroy everyone in the welterweight division. He's a murderer. Is that how you say his name? He's big. Gegard Mousasi.

I thought it was Gerald. I'm dyslexic. Maybe he's talking about a different person. Nope, I'm dyslexic. So when I read things, I don't see it right away. No, Mousasi's a monster, man. He's one of the big losses for the UFC. Because in my opinion, he's one of the top two or three 185 pounders in the world at the UFC.

He had beaten Chris Weidman, and then he goes over and fights in Bellator now. But apparently they just came up with some large cash. They're trying to get big names over there. Dude, Bellator, I don't know anything about UFCs, don't hammer me about that, but like dude, Bellator is really cool just

being down there. It was like Chael Sonnen, Rampage Jackson, like 50 Cent was there. It was like aael Sonnen, Rampage Jackson, 50 Cent was there. It was really like if you're a passerby fan of MMA, then you're like, oh, shut the fuck up. They're doing really good fights. They have big talent there now. They have Michael Chandler, who's one of the top lightweights in the world. Rory McDonald is one of the best, if not the best, welterweight in the world.

He's definitely top two or three. He's beaten Tyron Woodley, who's the UFC champion, who I one of the best if not the best welterweight in the world he's definitely like top two or three he's beaten Tyron Woodley who's the UFC champion who I think is the best Rory they snagged over then right? they snagged him Vanderlei Silva is that? yeah but Vanderlei is way past his prime and so is Rampage

they're doing the Legends Tour and Rampage just knocked out Vanderlei but Vanderlei doesn't look good anymore they should let him get on the juice let him juice it up Legends Tour and Rampage just knocked out Vanderlei. But Vanderlei doesn't look good anymore. Let him get on the juice. Let him juice it up. But, you know, they're doing a great job. They're doing a great job. They're promoting these fights well.

They're putting on... In the welterweight division, they have Douglas Lima, who's one of the best in the world. They have Paul Daly, who can knock out any living human being. They have Lorenz Larkin. 50 Cent was given away a cash prize. Jesus Trejo got into the steam room with 50 Cent.

What does it say? To award Bellator, what does it say? Well to wait grand prize winner, a million dollar cash prize. Didn't he just go bankrupt? 50? Yeah. Wow. He sold this part of a deal he had with the Get the Strap brand, which I guess he owned and sold,

and part of that money is going into this. A million dollars goes to give the person a million-dollar cash prize. So the welterweight Grand Prixs, they had Koroshkov just fought Lima. Those two guys are excellent, too. Koroshkov is another top-ten guy in the world, I think, and he's fighting for Bellator, too. Lima beat him. Lima and Rory

had a great fight. Rory beat Lima by decision. So there's Rory, Douglas Lima, Paul Daly, and still, to this day, Paul Daly can knock out anyone. He's so fucking dangerous a puncher. All he has to do is connect. He's got a left hand that's just a nuclear missile.

And he just knocked out Lorenz Larkin, who's also a top welterweight. There's so many good fighters over there now. There's so many good fighters in general. Yeah, yeah, yeah. MMA is coming up right now. I mean, there's the top talent. This fucking fight this weekend between McGregor and Khabib Nurmagomedov is going to be crazy.

That is a crazy fight. That's Vegas, right? Yep. That is a fucking crazy fight. You calling that? Yep. I don't know what the fuck's going to be crazy. That is a crazy fight. That's Vegas, right? Yep. That is a fucking crazy fight. You calling that? Yep. I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. Are you excited?

Yeah. How cool is that? I wish I wasn't going on this cruise. I would totally hit you up for tickets. Yeah, man. I'm super excited. Speaking of which, on this bet, do you think you can get us free tickets so we can take that out of the cash prizes?

To what? To go where? I'll get you free tickets so we can take that out of the cash prizes? To what? To go where? I'll get you free tickets for the UFC, for sure. Do you think we could leverage you to get us tickets to a boxing match? Yeah, for sure. We can get some tickets. As opposed to putting that on, because that may make the prize horrendous. Right, if it's a primo fight.

Right, right. So maybe I'll get the tickets for the fight. I'll use leverage to get the tickets. And then we'll make a big deal that we're going to go. And then we'll get like suites at some hotel somewhere. Lodging. And the loser has to pay for like some extravagant meal and crazy booze. Flights, right?

Someone's got to do flights. Hold on. We got flights and lodging are going to be on the bet. And then. Private. Private jet to Vegas. That's the way to do it. Wait, are we going to Vegas?

Yeah. If it's a... I want to go to Tokyo for some fucking stupid fight. Yeah, let's go private jet. Let's go private jet into Vegas. Because he's talking about fighting this guy that's not Manny Pacquiao in Tokyo. He's not talking about fighting Manny Pacquiao. If he fights Manny Pacquiao, he's going to fight him in Vegas.

That's where the real money is. Bert, you're going to end up spending a lot of money. Should we get matching suits? Do you think you're going to lose? No, I'm not going to lose. There's no way. Do you think you're going to win the whole thing?

Do you think you're going to come in? Is it your fantasy that you come in at the end and you win the whole thing? Cinderella story. You should work out with me once. Okay. Kill those fantasies.

Kill them all. Kill them dead. I want to know what you think you're going to get. Dude, I've got a page of numbers right here. Okay, what do you think? What do you think is going to happen? I don to know I want to know what you think you're going to get Dude I've got a page of numbers right here What do you think is going to happen I almost want to unfriend you now so that you can't see my track You should see mine

Yours is scaring me I know what I have to do now when I go home tonight So wait let me understand What do you think you're going to get I want to know What do you think you're going to get Because you're good at calling your shots. Well, Tom has already achieved more in a day than my first workout.

You've already achieved 230, you said, was the most you've done in a day? The most I've ever done in a day is 380. 380 in a day? Is that a two a day? Yeah. Wow. Actually, I'm sorry. It's more than that.

380 in one workout. But that was like. But that was. How did more than that. 380 in one workout. But that was like... Whoa! But that was... How did you do that? Seven miles, and I did mostly uphill. And then I went around, and so it was like a hike, run, right? So sustained heart rate for a long period of time.

Oh, you guys are fucked then when I wear this elk hunting. Yeah. You guys will never... I'll get 500 in a day. No, I'm going to have to have side action. Oh, you'll do more than that. You want side action? You guys can get side action going on like top workout.

Side pieces? Right. Right, right, right. Oh, and most single day. Most single day. On that day. So you could do, let's say, a hike like that, a run. And then go back and go like, oh, I want to get another 100 points.

I'm going to go on this. How long was this battery go for? A long time. Yeah? Fully charged. Can you work for a week? Yeah. Really?

Yeah, I didn't charge mine for a second time until after I had it for over seven months. Oh, okay, for all skeptical people, this is not a sponsor. We don't know anybody that works at this company, and we talked about it in text messages. I said, we should do this punk rock. people this is not a sponsor no we don't know anybody that works at this company and i don't want we we talked about it in text messages i said we should do this punk rock i don't want to we shouldn't do this we shouldn't have a company sponsoring us no we're just this is a good metric system it's a good product we're going to use it because of that and i don't want it i don't want

them to sponsor us so this is this is non-sponsored this is just and if it's a piece of shit we're going to get to say it's a piece of shit. Just so, because people are like, yeah, he fucking went corporate. I like these side acts. Bert right now is like, I kind of wish you'd do a sponsor. No, I'll try. Kim Jong-un's willing to sponsor. Fly me out. I'll do a big show.

Pyongyang is a nice place. You know I'd do it for real if they hit me up and then I'd get destroyed. Would you really, though? Probably. But why would you want to do that? Why would you want to go to a- I don't know.

It's about the stories. I like crazy stuff like that. It's definitely a good story. It's definitely on brand. Most single day workout gets a new suit. Okay. That's good. And all three of us have to buy them a new suit.

Oh, Ari just texted. What'd he say? How do I register this thing? All right. Ari's in. We got a fucking Patsy. That means he's good. And all three of us have to buy them a new suit. Ari just texted. What'd he say? How do I register this thing? All right, Ari's in. We got a fucking patsy. That means he's in. He's in, man. Wow, Ari's in.

Okay, most single day gets a suit. How is Ari going to compete? But he doesn't exercise. Oh, you know what's so great? Most single day gets a suit, and we're going to be in the best shape of our lives. So we'll get a skinny suit that we'll never be able to wear again.

Yeah, we should, right? He has to email them for a facility code. Yeah, it's easy. They'll send it right away. You're right. We should wear suits to the gig. Yeah. Oh, I've never even had a suit.

All right. Yeah. Well, you know what we'll do? I'll contact David August. They're the guys who make my suits. Yes. You have suits? Yeah.

I know David August. Yeah, they make awesome suits. He sure does. Handmade. It's got like a little bit of flex to it, so if you're built like a troll like me, you can move around in these things. There's a flex around their belly? Yes, everything. What's that, Jamie? Tom's got a suit guy. You got a suit guy? Yeah, but David August is...

Yeah, he makes Conor McGregor suits. Wait, have you ever seen the video of when Tom got his fat suit? He looks like a king of comedy. Tom went to Asia with Chad. Chad Daniels and Pete Lee. And they went and got suits made. Well, Ari does that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a documentary called I Need You to Kill that I'm in. It's really good. It's on Amazon Prime. And there's a scene in the documentary where we go and we get suits made. And, yeah, I go with Chad, and it's really, really fun, man. I mean, yeah, I went to the same district that Ari got his made in. And that guy, Danny, I went to Danny. The names are really – they're like, did you get yours at Joe's or Danny's?

Like that's the designers there, but they do a great job, man. First place pays for nothing. Second place, most single day gets a brand new suit. Should we do third place pays lodging, fourth place pays for flights and we fly private? I like it. I like that. Man, Ari's going to have to pay for a flight. You're going to pay lodging.

Yeah, right. There's no way. What second place has got to pay for something? What second place pays for? Yeah, second place has got to pay for it. Whatever the second. Dinner. One big, no way.

I don't know. Lodging might be more than dinner. Yeah, big dinner. I would say big dinner. Big dinner. We could ball the fuck out on that. Yeah, we could go crazy at dinner. Bottles of wine for a thousand bucks.

Do you realize if I'm in? A whole hog. Oh my God. Now I'm getting panicked because I know that I'm going to be wanting to drink at a dinner. I told you about the I'm in... Oh my God. Now I'm getting panicked because I know that I'm going to be wanting to drink at a dinner. I told you about the dinner I went to Ralphie with.

Ralphie Mae? Me and Ralphie went to dinner with our families. This is one of my favorite stories. We've been partying all weekend. This is Hawaii. No, this is Bahamas. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah. But you got to set it up that at the time, you're like Middling or just entry-level act. Yeah, I was a feature act. How many years ago is this? This is Leanna nice first trip away from Georgia So it's from our daughter ten years plus it's got to be at least ten ten eleven years And I can actually find it if you can it's all my video because I posted a video at that time So it's probably 2007 maybe before travel and Ralphie So what happened? And Ralphie's killing it.

It was the week before I started Birth to Conquer. I was 37 years old. Oh, okay. 36 years old at the time. Ralphie's killing it. Ralphie's balling. Yeah. I'm headlining some, maybe for like $1,500, $2,000 I'm headlining,

but I'm still featuring at the time. Okay. And so maybe I'd done Jameson Comedy Tour. So I had a little bit of money but no money to speak of so we go to the do this gig for Paul and Young Ron and the first night there

we go out to eat and it's a huge dinner and I'm like how much do I owe? and Ralph's like oh player you know I got that Bert Kreiser

don't worry about it you and Leanne have a great weekend I said no I gotta pay for something no player don't even reach for your while when you're

Ralphie May so we go out that night everyone goes drinking we have a great time the next night we go out to eat everyone goes out to eat Ralphie May. So we go out that night. Everyone goes drinking. We have a great time. The next night we go out to eat. Everyone goes out to eat. Ralphie, once again, I go to pay for it.

And he goes, oh, playboy, you know your money's no good around me. Just come on. Just have a good time. We go do a show. Have an amazing fucking show. We go out drinking again. Ralphie picks up everything. The last night there, we go to sushi at Nobu.

And Leanne says, you can't let Ralphie pay. You got to pick up the bill. And I went, okay. So I go over to the lady before. I'm going to screw up numbers. I'll tell you that right now. But I go over to the lady before the bill comes. And I go, hey, the big guy's not paying.

Here's my credit card. And she's like, okay. So we eat and I drink. And we eat and I drink. And Rafi's getting like boats, right? Boats. like they're just like you know where they play i mean they brought out 50 pieces hushi yeah they're like cool eating dolphins and so and i am doing sake bomb after sake bomb and the lady comes with a

check and it's like two thousand dollars i did not have two thousand dollars and i did not i didn't have enough money to for the tip like i didn't i was like why did and I did not, I didn't have enough money for the tip. Like I didn't, I was like. Why'd you think you could pay? I didn't know what the bill would be. I don't, I've never paid attention to that stuff. I didn't know what. I just.

Do you ever eat out? No, but I didn't, I wasn't paying attention to what the bill would be. I thought it would be 500 bucks, 600. I didn't know how expensive sushi at Nobu was that everything's through the roof. She puts the check in front of me and and I open it up, and I see it, and I immediately freeze. And Leanne goes, how much is it? And just instinctually I go, fuck you, that's how much it is.

And she goes, and Ralphie fucking, fucking, oh, shit, Bert Kreischer. You fuck now. You should have let me pay, Bert Kreischer. Then I go, Ralphie goes, don't worry, player. We go out and win it back. So I go to our bank machine and I pull out $1,000. And I go over and I put it on black. Hits red.

I'm down $3,000 within a matter of minutes. Wesley Snipes lied to you. Leanne won't speak to me. It's probably one of our biggest fights we've ever been in. We're fighting in the lobby and I'm hammered she's mad because you bet the extra money

no because I said fuck you that's how much it is don't ever talk to me like that you're my partner we're team I go I didn't know what to say in the moment

it was more money than we had that was like at the time that was like probably three weeks on the road for me of course it's crazy you fucked up son

and then you gambled away a thousand like a week. Fucking God. It's that Mickey Mantle gene. Yeah. That's not a Mickey Mantle gene. I'm joking. I'm joking.

That's Lou Gehrig's disease. It's preposterous. My favorite part of that story is just like, you know, that you got shamed. You know, that's what I love about it. What makes you feel good about that? It's just that it's my friend doing something stupid. I gotta run, actually. I do, sorry.

So we haven't worked this out, right? I know. We kind of have to bring Ari in on this, right? Because he can't have no say. He couldn't be here today. Call him right now. Call him right now. Okay, call him up.

Let's see if he answers. So let's figure out second place.. So what's we all call at the same time who that's a he's I know he's answering Let me see Stingy Do you get him trying good What Did you get him? You trying? Go ahead. What? What? Can I do this fucking stupid thing? Hello?

Hey, you're on speaker with Joe and Tom. We can all hear you. And we're doing Joe's podcast. I give no consent to this. You do not have consent to use my voice to any of this. Hey, we're talking about the bet. Here's what we're thinking, right? So with these MyZone fitness trackers, Joe did 200 today.

He plans on doing two a day. So we're thinking the person who gets the most, most calories, most points burnt in a week, doesn't have to pay for anything out of this challenge, okay? That's Joe he's running away from. Everything. That's Joe. Murder. My agent's now calling shit.

No, so the bet is we're going to go see if... Running away from. We're fighting. We're going to a fight in Las Vegas, okay? Joe thinks he can get... Hang up on your fucking agent. I don't have to. Don't be scared.

I don't know how to... There we go. Here we go. First place will have to pay for nothing. Second place would have to pay for, we're thinking, maybe one meal. Third place will have to pay for lodging. Just let me fucking finish. Third place will pay for lodging. Fourth place will pay for... When you say let me finish, I don't

know any of the things you're talking about. I don't know the terms you're talking about, so you're giving me all the details of something I don't know any of the things you're talking about. I don't know the terms you're talking about. So you're giving me all the details of something I don't understand. Good point. So what I would suggest you're doing is telling me what you're talking about and then giving me the details. The person with the most fitness points for the month will get in first place. The person with the second most fitness points will get in second place,

and so on. Now, there's a side bet going on. Wait, wait, wait. And the prize is going to a big fight. A big boxing match. A big boxing match in Las Vegas. There you go. Yes. First place, the person with the most fitness points for the month

will not have to pay for one thing. Second place... No. What about a pubic hair beard? I'm down with all those. What's the money in fucking road gigs for? Come on.

See, I knew he would turn this into humiliation. We all come on the loser's face, though. That's part of it. That I understand is part of it. And he has to drink a goblet of our piss. Combined piss. And I'm eating asparagus. Wait, so Ari, are you in?

Is he in? Are you in on the bet? I can't imagine his thing, but I don't know what weekend this is. I don't know if I have this whatever weekend you're talking about free. We haven't figured out the weekend. We have to figure out the weekend. It's gotta be a weekend everyone can go. Yeah, we'll figure out the weekend. It's an event. It's a boxing match.

I hate boxing. Oh, tell him this. Yeah, but we're gonna be high as fuck. It'll be fun. And tell him this. There's a belt involved. I hate boxing. Oh, tell him this. Yeah, but we're going to be high as fuck. It'll be fun. And tell him this. There's a belt involved. Oh, yeah, the winner gets a belt. We're getting a belt made. Like a championship belt.

Sober October belt. And you're going to have to defend it every year. We're having it made. And it's going to have pills on it with a line through it, heroin on it with a line through it. The guy's sucking his own dick. We're in a boxing match. Why don't we do something we all want to do? Well, we were going to go to see Floyd Mayweather

rematch Manny Pacquiao. We don't have to do it, though. But it'd be fun. Will it take place nine years ago when everyone wanted to see it? It would be fun to be in Vegas with like a gentleman. Yeah, we're all together. Yeah, we don't have to work. We're just all there to hang out.

We're going to smoke cigars like a fucking gentleman. When is that happening? I think it takes place sometime in December, but they haven't made the date. They haven't made the date yet. You're in, right? I'm gone all December. You're gone all December? Where are you going?

European? Yeah, Europe and Israel. What if we go to a good Bellator event? Where I don't have to work. You want to go see an MMA event? Why don't you take off and we go see a UFC in the middle of the stands

and we'll get high there. We'll do a bunch of heroin in the stands. I can't take off one. Okay, I'll tell you one thing. We can do one that I don't have to do because I only do the big ones. I don't do the ESPN ones. Some of the ESPN ones are going to be really big. I could be in the audience

for that. Yeah, let's do that. We could do that. Now we don't have to worry about tickets. The fourth place has to play for the flight and we're flying private. I said jet. Yeah, but just to Vegas. It's not a lot.

If it's a Vegas event, though, I'm probably going to work it. I'm going to be honest with you. Okay, so it's just to fucking New York. It's not that much. Yeah, Toronto. We'll have to figure out where it is so we'll take care of that Ari I sent you an email if you email the email I just sent you a text message if you email that address they'll send you a facility code right away yeah yeah it'll

come it'll come just just so send send an to support at, I sent you all the details. Just say I need a facility code. Did you buy yours on Amazon? Yeah. Me too. Yeah. They didn't send me a facility code. Are you in for a tiered financial bet for a UFC event where Joe doesn't have to work?

I like the humiliation. Humiliation is so much better than money. Okay, you know what? Let's find a sweet little spot of humiliation in this for last place. Okay. Last place has got, there's a punishment involved.

You gotta drink piss. Everybody's piss. Shot the piss? No, no, no. No, goblet. Goblet? Now I know why you guys are fucking friends. Tom and I are like...

No, straight from the tap. Like a Yeti tumbler. They just keep it warm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, we're not... We'll use a JRE tumbler and we'll write the piss champion on it. This one right here, we'll keep it. We'll always keep it on this table so we'll know that the person drank the other people's piss.

I'll be like fucking Forrest Gump this month. Listen, man. Why don't you guys just come on my back? I hosted Fear Factor. I'll drink a gallon of piss right in front of your mom. You're not going to have to be the one drinking piss. It's either Tom or Ari. I'm worried about my friends.

Yeah, sure. Ari, he doesn't believe that you could ever possibly win this. There's no way Bert will even come in fucking third. There's no way. What do you think of this, Ari? Rogan, you'll win it. For sure, you'll win it. You're going two a day.

I mean, you're an animal. But what about Bert's Mickey Mantle gene? That would help him. Bert, you're on the road a lot or no? Yeah. I'm on a cruise next week. Oh, that's good. You can run on the boat.

I'm trying to get Bert to die trying to keep up with me. I'm going to do four days. I'm doing four days. Yeah. Good luck. Yeah, you're doing four days. Okay, there's four fucking snickers to a pack. Listen, here's the important thing.

Let's do something we can all get behind. What is... All right, UFC, here's the important thing. Let's do something we can all get behind. What is... Alright, UFC, we'll all go see. The only problem with that is we've got to find time for our schedule. That's fine. We can do that, though. We'll figure that out. And then we'll add, we will come up with a,

and maybe this will be fun, a very tasteful, yet meaningful punishment for last place. Well, tasteful, you're out of Ari's wheelhouse when you say tasteful. He wants it to be humiliating. Put a frozen hot dog up your asshole. That's what he's talking about.

Yeah. It could be thought. Thought is too slippery. You break off, you get stuck. I'm real busy up until the end of April. Wow. From November until the end of April, I really don't have any weeks open. Well, we could certainly do something at the end of April.

We could figure it out. Look, we'll figure that part of it out. But you're in, right? You're in on the bet. Yeah. Okay. That's what we need to know. Wait, what's the bet?

Wait, what's the bet? What's the bet? The bet is first place pays for nothing, second place pays for a meal, third place pays for a lodging, and fourth place pays for a private jet. Private jet? What the fuck is wrong with you guys? You're in. You're in, right?

You're in. What's wrong? Well, I'm not even a living living here. That's humiliating. Where am I going to pick you guys up? But that's part of what's humiliating. You've got to pay so much money. Just don't come in fourth.

Yeah, don't come in fourth. Enjoy those long walks in the East Village. Yeah, those will definitely make you win. No, I don't want to fly the jet. What are you talking about? Shut up. Just hang up on me. This is something really interesting to bet on.

How about a helicopter? This is money related. Cruise ship? Winnebago across the country. Why does it got to be money related? It's just so dumb. It's just like, I don't know, you just write a check and it doesn't do anything. It makes you feel terrible.

Yeah, but we're all like, the whole thing is that we're having fun together doing it. It's not supposed to be like really. Ari wants you to suffer. He wants you to drink his piss. And wear his pubes on your face. He wants you to drink his piss. And wear his pubes on your face. You got to get the names of the three winners tattooed on your left, on your right hand.

On the inside palm of your right hand. Not into that. Yeah. But I do like the belt. I do like the fact that we have to defend the belt. I like the belt. Or a trophy. A moving trophy every year. I like the belt. Or do like the fact that we have to defend the belt. I like the belt. We have a moving trophy every year. I like the belt.

That way the person who has the belt, whoever wins, they get to keep it in their house and make videos in front of the belt. Albert is very motivated. Do you have any idea? I'm going to fucking murder this. All the social media points he can get, stand in front of that belt, letting everybody know. I got my belt. And Tom will finally have a belt that fits him. So keep going, Ari.

Oh! So this has nothing to do with, so it's not about how many calories you burn. It's just about these weird points that this thing makes. Which is basically related to effort. It's like effort points. Yeah. It's a good system.

Yeah. You're in, correct, Ari? I don't have any interest in going out to Vegas to get a private jet to then go to Vegas with you guys. Okay. What do you want to do? What do you think it should be? Some sort of humiliating thing

or the rest of it. I would probably meet you guys in Vegas. I wouldn't go to LA.A. to then go to Vegas. Tommy Bunz has to leave. We'll sort this out. But for sure there will be a belt involved. For sure. No, like the begging. The begging for the money.

On three hours. We're not really interested. That's boring to us. Ari, how about this? Can you agree on this tiered structure if we find an event that you are comfortable and really excited about? An event to go to? Yeah, an event to go to.

It doesn't have to be... I mean, I think UFC would be fun for... I've never seen a UFC fight. But a tiered structure of punishment, meaning for the bottom three, a humiliation for number four, belt for the winner, single day, by the way, single day calorie

burn, the person with the most points for one single day, that person gets a brand new suit that all people have to pay for. Brand new what? Suit? Suit, yeah. Oh, I got some Hong Kong to make it. No, we're going to get David August to do it. Who? Only the guy who makes

suits for Conor McGregor and me. Ooh. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, okay. The guy who made suits for Mouth said Tom. Really? So he only makes smalls? Did he really?

Are you just joking? He's been around for like 70 years. No, I don't think he did. Wow. That would trump it. We'll get the guy who makes suits for Putin. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we'll know Kim Jong-un's guy by the end of this.

Yeah, I like a suit we can make for this event. But honestly, it's just going to be anticlimactic if we can't go on this until probably May, at least. Yeah, but that'll be fine because we'll have a belt. Yeah. The winner will get to parade around. Yeah, I that'll be fine because we'll have a belt. Yeah. The winner will get to parade around. Yeah, I like the suit. Bert's already got the belt sitting on his shelf. He's planning on doing his little Instagram stories in front of the belt.

I can't wait. I mean, I'm for sure losing this. I don't know, Ari. Listen, man, you got a lot of resolve. I saw how you manned up For the fucking yoga challenge You might man up By the way

I'm doing the yoga challenge Two I'm doing both things Do you burn stuff During yoga During hot yoga Yeah Yeah for sure

I'm gonna do 15 hot yoga classes As well Wow I'm going hard I'm trying to kill Bert I'm going hard I'm trying to match Joe I want Bert

To try Probably Five years Yeah the last time you worked out Was probably when we did Jiu Jitsu together I'm going hard. I'm trying to kill Bert. I'm going hard. I'm trying to match Joe. I want Bert to try... Yeah, the last time you worked out was probably when we did jiu-jitsu together. I want Bert to fall apart. I want Joe to recognize the Mickey Mantle gene. That's bullshit. Listen, I want Bert to recognize the Mickey Mantle gene. That's bullshit. Listen, I want Bert to fall apart. You finished the marathon.

You should have already recognized it. Yeah, I recognize that. I want him to fall apart trying to keep up, though. Yeah, well, how's Mickey Mantle doing now? He's not good. He's not good. I just did all my pre-sober October measurements. Not good, Ari.

What do you weigh right now? 246. Not the actual Mickey Mantle. He's dead. That guy's dead. 246. Chest, 48. Bell good, Ari. What do you weigh right now? 246. He's dead. That guy's dead. 246, chest 48, belly 44, waist 40, or belly, no,

belly 48, waist 44, and then calves and biceps are 16, 18. What were you at the end of the weight loss challenge? Uh, 225, 222 maybe? Wow. I was 216 at the end of Sober October last year. Wow. Yeah, I'm going back. I'm getting back. I'm telling you, right now I have Wow. I was 216 at the end of Sober October last year. Wow. Yeah, I'm going back.

I'm getting back. I'm getting back. I'm telling you, right now I have motivation. I want that belt. I want that belt. And I'm not going to pay for anything. And I want to see the look on your face when you look at some of my numbers and you're like, what the fuck is he doing? He's cheating.

He's cheating. He's putting it on his dog. Good luck with that. This is my wheelhouse, motherfucker. No luck with that. This is my wheelhouse, motherfucker. No, I know. This is my wheelhouse. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm so excited. This is not my wheelhouse. Oh, I'm so excited. Dude, I'm going to have a hard time just thinking. I want to see if I can get 500 a day. I want to see if I can hit 500 a day every day. I'm just going to do different things every day and I'm going to power fuck I'm going to wear it while I fuck

I'm going to be this is the tortoise and the hare I'm just going to try to tortoise my way through this month 100 minutes at 100% maximum heart rate is 400 points is that right?

is that how it is? Okay. Is that how it works? Is it four points a minute? I don't know, but I had the shit pegged. I was at 97% for a half an hour. Jesus. I'm going to get none of that.

You are. Just do it. I'll try, but they sell me something to facility code. All they just say is they got the thing. Just go fucking crazy, Ari. Tiered punishment, one event we all can agree on. Correct, Ari? Single day, most points.

Suit, and we can add humiliation per, like, meaning, like, if we come up with something during the month that we all think is hilarious, text it to each other, we put it out on social media, and we hold ourselves to that, too. Yeah, this is what we'll do. You guys don't think it's going to be Anthony Climactic to do this bet and then have nine months later? No. No, because there'll be a belt. If Burt wins, we'll never hear the end of it.

That belt will be on the shelf in front of every fucking Instagram video he makes. Yeah. He'll be like, hey, you guys might know me. I'm Burt Kreischer, Sober October champion, or like I like to call it, Sober October. That's going to be his – my motivation is all murder and death, and his motivation is all just going to be like Instagram stories. Bert, why are you scared of begging for money? I'm not.

I'd be amazing at that, Ari. I remember I barked at the Boston Comedy Club. That's my wheelhouse is talking to strangers. You know that. It's true. So why will you not do it? I would do it in a heartbeat. I would do that for a video.

I just do it for... I don't care about begging for money. I don't think he finds it enticing. Oh, right. Yeah, I'll find it probably dead enticing. I get it. Okay. We'll figure it out.

We'll figure the tiered structure. We'll make it so that second place doesn't play as much as third place. It doesn't play as much as fourth place. Is there any way we can beat Joe Rogan? How would that be possible? I'm definitely going for that. By the way, Joe just made eye contact with me, and I averted my eyes. He looked at me like, are you being fucking serious? I'm so excited

about this. Joe's gonna laugh. I really believe he's gonna laugh. Probably two of us, maybe three. He's gonna double our points. I might take the whole month off comedy. I might

work out day and night. I might just want to see what my body can do. I might just go really crazy. We'll see what happens. I got a lot of machines here, too. I'm the only one of us that has a full gym. Yeah. Yeah, I got shit.

I heard shit, though. You can come over here anytime you like, fella. Are you talking to Ari or me? You can, too. Yeah? Yeah, you can use my gym. Fuck yeah. I don't know how to use half those

machines. I'll show you how. I'll work out with you. We can work out together. I was actually thinking of taking my treadmill and dropping it off here. It'd actually be fun to work out together. We can make videos. Yeah. Let's do it. Alright, let's do a workout then. You got like a butter churner that you can use. Ah, butter churner. We're gonna get, either way,

when it's over, we're getting fucked up. So, are going to be around at all Anytime in November, Ari? November 5th, he said Yeah, November 6th we can do that 5th or 6th, he said I think 5th works for everyone I'm there 4th, 5th, 6th I think

But yeah, whatever that day looks like Which one works for everybody? 5th, I think we all texted It's either the 5th or the 6th I think 5th works better for Tommy Okay, that works for everybody? Fifth. I think we all texted. It's either the fifth or the sixth. I think fifth works better for Tommy. Okay, that works for me, man. The fifth is perfect. Fifth or the sixth. Either one. Oh, no, the sixth, I've got to show I have to do the sixth at night at five o'clock.

There's a television show I've got to do, but I can do the fifth or the seventh. I think the fifth works better for Tommy. The fifth works better. All right, we'll do the fifth. So the fifth will get fucking plowed. We're going to bring in a, I'm going to get a kegerator. Ooh. Yeah. We'll get kegs, Tito's.

What do you need, Ari, for the fifth? We'll get it in advance. You like whiskey, right? Yeah, I love whiskey. Pappy Van Winkle. What's your favorite bourbon? Text me your favorite bourbon. We'll get a fucking case of it.

Uber drivers. That's good. Wait, no. Who can't do the fifth? Tom can't do the fifth. No, Tom can. He can. The fifth works better for everyone.

The fifth is everybody. So, Sober October, the fifth will be the celebration day. And then the day where hopefully... No, Tom flies back on the fifth. Yeah, so when he flies back, we'll get him fucked up as soon as he lands. Yeah. Oh, okay. That works.

This is going to be awesome. That works. All right, I've got to plug this in. I still haven't emailed it, but I'm sure they will. I'm going to go charge mine right now and then go put in another workout. They'll email you immediately. And if you need... All they did was they got the message and that was it.

No, did you send it to the support, the email that I just sent and the text message? Yeah, that's what was on the thing. Well, they'll send it to you quickly. They're going to hear about this. First of quickly. They're going to hear about this. First of all, they're going to hear about this, so they're probably going to email you quicker. But if you have any ideas about the design of the belt, feel free to chime in there, too,

because we've got to order that soon because it takes like three to four weeks. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. I think it would be cool to have each of our faces as one of the side things with our thing that is hardest. Like you have a joint in your mouth. I have a Tito's

in my face. Ari has a dick in his mouth. And Tom has a piece of cake. We'll figure it out. Alright, Ari. We'll figure it out. Alright, guys. Love you. Bye. Nice. We'll figure it out. All right, Ari. We'll figure it out. All right, guys. All right. Love you. Bye.

Love you. Bye. Have fun with you guys, guys. Nice. Crazy fun. I'm so fucking excited for this. It's going to be fun. Dude, I need these things in my life for some reason. I can't motivate unless I have a goal.

It's serious motivation. You know what else? I was a little skeptical when I first thought about this, but then in using the app, while you're using the app, it's showing you your actual numbers while you're doing it. And when you're in the middle of it, you're seeing the actual numbers take place. Really? Yeah. Did you accept my friend request?

I didn't know if I got it. I have no notifications on. I just requested you and Tom. Okay. I'll go in there and look for it. Should we accept other people? No. No?

Just the three of us? Four of us? Do you want to live your life like that? I don't know. and look for it. Should we accept other people? No. No? Just the three of us? Four of us? Do you really want to live your life like that? I don't know. Yeah, kind of. This is going to be fun, man. This is going to be really fun. This is going to be a good one.

I wonder how much weight we're going to lose. I'm like 197, 198 right now. I think I'm going to get down below 190. Do body measurements. Because I think that's... I did chest across the nipples, belly across the belly button and then biceps calves and thighs i'll tell you all my exact measurements right now i think i just think i was accurate my blood pressure today was my doctor's calling about my blood pressure today to figure out jesus well no because when i do sober october it goes so

low is that bad uh no it's good but i on medication. He wants to kind of watch my medication. What are you on? Losartan and Loraz. There's another thing. Jesus. Why are you on that shit? Because I have high blood pressure. 129 over 95 was it today.

But is that a natural thing that you have high blood pressure, or is it because of drinking? I think it's probably lifestyle-induced. I think it's from being overweight and probably from drinking, but it's not bad. Yeah, but they got you on pills? Yeah. That's not good.

Yeah, but it's better than a stroke. Like, I think me being proactive and seeing a cardiologist these past five years has been the best thing that ever happened to me. Right. Because I'm— There are significant side effects to a lot of those things. Really? Yeah, you've got to look into that stuff. I'd like to get off the pills altogether. I would love it if you did.

I'd like to get down. I would like to, I mean, we talked about it jokingly, but I'd like to get below 205. You can do it. And keep it there. Listen, man, when you got to 220, or you got to 216, you said, at the end of October? What's to stop you from losing 11 more pounds? You can do that. I mean, think about what fighters do how about my friend cam haines when he was getting down to run 240 miles

He wanted to get down to 169 or below so you know what he did he ate 2,000 calories burned off three Just kept doing it every day. So anytime people say they can't lose weight I go Oh, you can you just got to be willing to do with the people that actually lose weight do it's you're hungry all the time losing weight's hard and i i don't have what how i lose weight is not the healthy way you crash i go fuck it let's drop calories below a thousand right and then try to burn you can't do that because we actually discussed this on a podcast very recently the problem is your metabolism crashes as well, and your body goes into this famine mode, and it wants to protect calories. So anything you do eat, you gain back much quicker,

and then it's far more difficult for you to lose again because your body has a mechanism in place to protect yourself. Because your body thinks it's, you know, we have to hold on to these calories. It slows you down. We were talking, like, one of the guys lane norton who's a uh he was involved in bodybuilding and he was saying that his blinking was slower he was blinking slower because his you know he's shredding getting down to like low body weight yeah his metabolism crashed so hard that he was literally blinking and thinking slower and thinking is for

you for a comic it's terrible to be thinking slower and thinking is for you for a comic's terrible to be thinking slower when you're on stage that's the last thing you want you know if you just work out like a fucking maniac and eat healthy just cut out the sugar and the fat and all the bullshit your body will slim down i'm just gonna go clean i had a nutritionist talk me through how to eat what they say they say? Well, here's the thing. I always had a problem. She was like, you need to eat before you work out. You need a little bit of oatmeal.

You need some energy for your workout. You don't necessarily. I fast cardio all the time. Well, that's why I've been doing the 16-hour fast. She might be old school. There's a lot of people that are, look, nutrition and the science behind athletic performance has changed so much over the last five ten years it's not you know just talking to some random nutritionist might not be the best

person to talk to they might not be i don't i don't want to say because i don't know her yeah but she might not be on the ball she i i just i feel like i had so much information especially when you listen to this podcast you get so much information zach bitter's like you listen to this podcast, you get so much information. Zach Bitter's like, you got to go fatty meats. And then you hear Jordan Peterson's daughter saying that. And then you go, oh, no. That's a very specific situation. She has severe autoimmune issues. Severe.

And she's most likely, according to other nutritionists that I've talked to, she's probably got some gut bacteria issue that she needs to get her gut biome sorted out. It's all so above my pay grade, quite honestly. I mean, I get interested in this stuff and I talk about it. There's some things that I can say with a certain amount of certainty, but not really what you should and shouldn't do in terms of each individual person and their diet. I would say, if I was you, what I would get down to is I would say definitely start eating a lot of vegetables. That's pretty much universal.

Everybody agrees, except these crazy carnivore people. But I think their situation is like either an elimination diet or a calorie-restricted diet, which is not really the best for performance, I don't think, for the kind of shit you're trying to do. Yeah. I think broccoli, kale, spinach, all that stuff sauteed, all that stuff's fantastic for you. Then on top of that, I mean, obviously I eat red meat.

I'm a big fan of red meat. I think you should eat just like very nutrient dense meat. And I think you should take multivitamins just to cover all your bases. You know, there's a bunch of like really good green supplements that you can add to water or little packets you can take. Do you count your calories? No. So you just eat until you're full? Yeah. Really? Yeah. How many calories do you think you eat a day? I really don't know. If you had to guess, elk is pretty lean. Yeah, it's pretty lean. And it looks like you're eating maybe eight ounces of elk? I probably eat a pound of that a day for sure, at least.

Yeah. I mean, you shoot one, you have 400 pounds of meat. I have some for you if you want. I definitely do. I got a bunch of sausage. Elk sausage is sensational. Really? You'll love it.

You'll love it. I got a ton of it, man. I'm definitely up for that, yeah. Okay. I got a bunch in the back. Okay. I got these freezer bags, too, you can take it home with. I would say just cut out the sugar and the bread and the pasta.

And if you just do that, you'll lose a ton of weight. You'll lose a ton of weight just doing that. I mean, this one's going to be fucking awesome. Yeah, man, just vegetables. Just eat a, you know, get yourself a fucking big bowl of broccolini and cook it with butter and olive oil and put garlic salt on it. It's healthy. It feels good when you eat it. Your body responds well to it.

Only good nutrients, man. And just realize you're going to have to get a lot of rest and you're going to have to drink a shit ton of water because you're going to have to be keeping up with some terrifying numbers. Terrifying. We're going hard this month, Bert. I'm ready. 31 days, man. 31 days man 31 days yeah the end man

oh i'm gonna fucking look amazing jacked and shredded you're gonna be like skinny bert like from that photo i maybe i'll maybe i'll do trt dude if you win do you know how you should do trt would you ever get your hormones test tested you should get them tested just to find out where you're at. It'll help everything. It helps your immune system. It helps your energy levels. Really?

It helps your concentration. Yeah, it's literally a cognitive enhancing. So you just have a place you can get TRT done? Yeah, well, you got to do it. Look at that picture. Yeah, that's my 40th birthday. Damn. That was on my 40th birthday.

Look at that slender face. See, right there, you are like five pounds from being shredded. If you were right there and you lost five pounds, you'd have a six-pack. I did that. At the cusp. I lost that weight in 19 days. Wow. See, the problem is when you do that, the yo-yo, you're crap. Why is

the picture of me shirtless right under Bert's picture shirtless? Let me see. That's me when I was like 26. Oh my god. That's me on I was like 26. Oh my god. That's me on news radio. Maybe I was 27. Look at you. Sexy bitch. So

the problem is losing the weight when you crash. The problem with the crash is, see, if you lose the weight over the month because you're just burning it off like a madman, but you're eating a lot, your body's not going to be in famine mode. Your body's just going to be more efficient. It's going to need more calories. And you definitely should lift weights.

That's one thing you should do over this month. And lifting weights will also add to this. My plan is lifting weights, kickboxing, running hills, yoga, and then various cardio machines from the Versa climber to the rower to the echo bike. I'm going to rotate them all so I can keep doing all of them. Yeah. So I can do different ones. I got the rower in my house.

I got the assault air fitness trainer. Don't deny yourself any food though. Just fucking pound food. Yeah. Pound food all the time because you're just going to be, you're going to be so hungry. All right. Just pound food all the time because you're just going to be so hungry. All right.

And I think, yeah, if I do two a days and just go, I know what I got to get a day. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Just keep going. Yeah. This is going to be fucking great. It's going to be great for all of us.

I was thinking about that today when I was working out. I was like, wow, when you're looking at the numbers on that thing, it's very motivational. It's funny. Before, when I was in college, I ran and what was really fun, they used to have these runner's journals, is to get done your run and write them in. Like tracking your fitness, tracking your workout,

it's really fun to look at numbers and stack up. It's almost like it feels like some, almost like a hoarder's vibe or like an OCD vibe. Yeah, it's really fun to look at numbers and stack up it's almost like it feels like almost like a hoarder's vibe or like an OCD vibe yeah it's definitely better when it's on this app than it is if you just know you worked out when Fitbit first

came out I used to get I had to get to 12,000 steps every day and I would land from a flight get up to my hotel room, open a bottle of wine and just start dancing it's fucking weird as fuck like if someone came and complained they would think I was on meth yeah it's it feels good it feels good to set goals I'm at but I always tell people like one of the best ways to get things done is to write things down it is it's such a huge motivating

factor like you have a list of shit that you have to do today and check those bitches off. And then at the end of the day, you feel good. Like you go to bed, you feel good. I checked off all those things on my list. I'm better now. I feel better than I was before. Yeah. My wife's a big list maker.

Huge. When you make a list, it really does organize your day. Like when I was shooting, I was shooting the promo thing for my tour next week. And I shot it this weekend in San Jose and I was like I had all these different things I needed to do my wife's like make a fucking list and I went oh yeah

so I wrote down all the shots I needed that I felt like I didn't get the night before and then just banged it out and I was like wow that was fucking easy as shit yeah it's so much better than like trying to remember what else do I need to do and then like half-assing it. You know what you did that's very impressive? You came up with a new hour pretty fucking quick.

Like how long did it take you to come up with a new hour? I came up with it, I don't know, maybe like February, March, April, May, June. Six months? What did you do to ramp up your writing? Super aware. So my biggest thing for me, which I think held me back, and I've talked about this a lot, maybe a lot, but when you were in production brain, you didn't have room for comedy brain. Like when I was making a TV show, I never didn't have the room for comedy.

And so I might be obsessed with a bolster. There might be something wrong with me. But when I'm in comedy brain, and which is I'm when I'm doing a special it's focused on only that material like only that material But when I got done the special I just went up and was like here It's the most enjoyable time of my life is like everything was a bit just walking around I was looking for things and just being inspired by the littlest thing even to this day But it's part of the reason I like to go over to New York and do podcasts and fuck around. I was on Anthony Cumia's podcast.

I came up with two bits in the moment that I was like, dude, those are great. Those are going in. It's just a new environment, a new feeling. Your brain's firing. And not denying myself the opportunity of a bit. Because a bit is silly or goofy or hacky, in my head I go, that's okay. Let's keep working that. Right.

And so, um, I have right now, I have like 55 minutes that I'm, that I feel is really solid, but the goal now, so like we were talking to Tom was talking about untangling it. It's like weaving it in so that one bit follows the other one.

So right now I'm playing with these bits, putting them in different places, trying to figure out what could follow what bit. That's the funnest part also. Right. And then once I do that and once I know what I'm doing my next special, that's when it almost becomes less fun for me.

It's like I don't want to go to the store because I don't want to write new bits. But like in the salad days when you're just all writing, I love that shit. Just going up on stage and going in LA and be like, I bought, I bought a gun, and just feeling the energy and being like, oh, I'm in it. I don't know where this is going. I could lose them. Right, right, right. I'm not even joking.

I went and bought a gun because I thought it might be a good bit. I went and said. Did you say that on stage? No. But that should be part of the bit. Are you serious? Yeah. Fuck yeah.

I'm fucking done. I bought a gun because I thought it would be a good bit. I was driving down Burbank and I was like all this gun talk and I was like, I don't have any gun material. I was like, I should buy a gun. You should have a real gun nut on your podcast to talk to you about guns. I should. You know, we should get, get on a Colean Noir.

I did that guy. I followed that guy on YouTube. He was on my podcast. He's a good guy. Yeah. Yeah. He's great. great happens to be black Fucking I'm gonna I'm gonna be like the progressive guy that makes it seem like there's something wrong that you're pointing it out

Yes, he happens to be an African American. No, but in that culture you have to bring it up in that culture That is so interesting that they it's almost like the I feel I like when he had Mr. Mike on magic Mike not magic Mike Magic Mike. Killer Mike? Killer Mike on. Yeah. It was really cool to hear their- Mr. Mike, Magic Mike. It was cool to hear their perspective. Not white guy Mike.

It was cool to hear their perspective on it, you know, because culturally you always see it come from the NRA, come from this like white redneck theme. No, he's, well, you know, he makes real good points. I mean, wasn't he a lawyer? He was a lawyer, right? I'm pretty sure he was a lawyer. I think he was, yeah. But he makes really good points in terms of, like, personal safety and responsibility.

The thing about, like, people equate NRA with mass shootings and all kinds of other crazy shit, which is not really totally fair because no NRA member has ever committed a mass shooting. You know, whenever something happens, they think, oh, this is all because these people want other people to have access to these kind of guns. The real connection, as always, in ad nauseum, I've talked about this too much, is psychotropic drugs. Those people are almost all on some sort of psych medicine. All of them.

Yeah. Is it causation or correlation? That's the problem. Is the psychotropic drugs causing them to do this, or are they on psychotropic drugs because they're crazy and they shouldn't have a gun anyway and it should be more difficult? I'm 100% in belief that you should test people and that there should be some sort of standards in terms of mental health,

in terms of whether or not you've committed assault, like those kind of things, whether or not you have a history of mental health, in terms of whether or not you've committed assault, whether or not, like those kind of things, whether or not you have a history of mental illness, whether or not you have a history of lashing out or violent outbursts. Yeah, those kind of people shouldn't have guns. The kind of people that think everybody should have access to a gun, I think that's a little irresponsible. But the kind of people that think no one should have a gun,

I think that's irresponsible too. It's crazy talk. I mean, it's not going to happen in our country. No, not in this one. No. But you should have him on, man. Or there's other gun nuts I could turn you on to. My friend Justin's a legit gun nut. I don't know if you ever met him. Justin Collett. He's been on my

podcast before. He's a legit giant. He's like seven feet tall. But he's a real gun nut. He lives in Vegas. He has so many guns, he doesn't know how many guns he has. Oh, no, no. I'm thinking of the fighter Frank Mir is a real gun nut. He lives in Vegas. He has so many guns, he doesn't know how many guns he has. How many guns do you have? Oh, no, no. I'm thinking of the fighter.

Frank Mir is a big gun guy. He's a giant gun guy. Yeah. Frank Mir is strapped everywhere he goes. He's got like one in his ankle, one up his ass. Frank Mir is a really interesting guy. Smart dude. He did my part.

There's something about cage fighters where they're very direct, and they say what they mean, and they mean what they say. Tate was the first person that I ever ran into that was like that. He texted me, and I didn't text back, and he texted again, and then he texted, Hey, man, I'm starting to get feelings about this. Text me back. And then I was like, well, yeah, Frank Mir said he came came to my podcast and we had a cigar while we were doing the podcast. And he just, it's like I'm such in, maybe I'm such in this weird bullshit Hollywood world where people don't mean what they say that I'm used to that. And he goes, that was a really great cigar.

We should do this. We should have another one. I was like, okay. And he's like, well, what are you doing at like eight tonight? And I was like, I'm here. And he's like, I'm going to go do a podcast and we'll have another cigar. And I was like, okay, sure. I didn't think I'd ever see him again. He showed back up at 755. He was like, I'm here. And he was like, I'm going to go do a podcast and we'll have another cigar. And I was like, oh, okay, yeah, sure. I didn't think I'd ever see him again.

He showed back up at 7.55. He was like, you ready for that cigar? And we went in my backyard and we smoked another cigar and just talked. And I was like, he fucking. Isn't that funny? This being sincere is an oddity. Yeah. It's the world of acting.

That's what it is. You know, around these, the world of auditions and actors and producers. This is a strange land we live in, man. This right here. This shit happens in other places, but it just is very prevalent here. Yeah. Where people just aren't genuine and they're not honest. But this is like people just lick their finger and stick it out in the wind and try to figure out which way the wind's blowing, and that's the way they go.

Because everybody just wants everybody to like them out here because everyone's auditioning for things it's just such a strange place man i saw my buddy eddie is a like a man you know cuban from florida he'll fist fight his fuck's chair you know just a regular guy an actual man actual man he came out the first time he came out there was comic, I won't say his name, who was holding court at the Hollywood Improv, and he was making fun of me as the joke. Everyone was laughing, and I was laughing. And my buddy Eddie just kind of looked sideways, and we got in the car, and he goes, why'd you let that happen?

I go, well, he's super famous. I mean, you know, it's like, whatever. He goes, nah, man. No, he's smaller than you. Why don't you just fucking knock him out? And I go, that's not how it works out here. He goes, nah, man. No, he's smaller than you. Why don't you just fucking knock him out? And I go, that's not how it works out here. He goes, yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.

It does. Let him say that shit to me. That's how it works. I go, no, Eddie, you got to understand. He's smaller than you. Why don't you just knock him out? And he was like, dude, I don't like that disrespectful shit. I was like, well, no, it's different out here, Eddie.

He goes, no, it's not. It's different because you're letting it be different. Well, it depends on how close you are with the guy. Because if you're really close with the guy and he's saying funny things and you think they're funny and you're laughing sincerely, like we bust on each other all the time. Yeah. But it's not disrespectful. It's just hilarious. It's just I think everyone knows that we're all close friends and it's our language.

But there are people who are not your close friends who are like, look at Bert over there with blah, blah, blah, and then they'll start fucking with you, and it gets a little slippery and gross. Especially, it's narcissism. It's guys who think they'll alpha you. Yeah. And it's funny. I definitely have changed from that. And it's funny. I definitely have changed from that.

When you're young and you're hungry in this business and you want to succeed, you don't want to tell a famous guy that might be able to give you work, hey, man, don't talk to me like that because then you almost blackball yourself. Right. Well, you've had some bad experiences. We don't need to mention any names. But you've had some bad experiences with a particular comedian that was like that where we've talked about it. There's mentally ill people that are in this business, too. There's that. that where you know we've talked about it yeah there's there's mental mentally ill people that are in this business too you know there's that it's tough I said yeah I feel like I feel like sometimes I draw them in yeah I talked to Stan

because you're so nice yeah and I and I and I I'll say this about myself I'm very creative and I like to fuck around I like to you know and I think some people see that as a weakness I I'm there's someone that i'm told you privately that stole from me that was a friend separate and it i man that fucking makes me angry because i go i remember when it happened and i'd already dealt with something else that was similar to that i remember i was at my wife's lake house when someone texted me and said hey man did you give that joke to that person and i was like no oh man it pulled this fucking thing in my in my id that was like i remember thinking did you think i'm weak do you think i won't say anything do you think do you think that you can do that to me right and and i didn't say anything i didn't

say anything because i learned the first time around that it really almost like all these these women that come out about sexual assault, it doesn't benefit you to come out and say that someone stole a joke from you. You just. Did you just equate stealing a joke? I know, I know. But no, but it's coming. It's that coming forward thing. Right.

Where you like, when you look at these women and say there's no benefit and go, people go, oh, bitches lie. I go, no, they don't. There's not a lot of benefit to go and say you've been raped because now you've got a fucking, that's what you're defined as and and you and you've got to defend yourself from something you didn't do to yourself and so when you get stolen from them obviously that is a stretch of an equivalation but to come out and defend yourself people do start attacking you go why would you even say anything dude you're just you're just jealous well you have to put

yourself out on a limb if you're talking about someone taking something like a joke from you too because you have you have to hope that people side with you so like say if some famous person steals something from you you have to hope when you come out that that they're not that a bunch of people are going to jump on his side and attacked you which is totally possible yeah and if they do then you're fucked then you're out on a limb dude i went through i went through and I screen grabbed Everything that was proof unequivocally Screen grabbed everything fuck them. Hmm. Yeah, I got everything. Yeah Oh, you know, I'll never do anything with it

But you know what man the good lesson is now that person you could write off forever. It's like What was it was it wouldn't goodfellas? What was it? What was the movie? You got off light. For $20 or $200, whatever it is, now that person never has to talk to you again. Yeah. You're good.

Yeah. Sometimes when someone does something like that, you're like, okay, now I can write you off. And write them off in a very interesting way as a comic. To know, oh, you never had it, you never will. You don't got what I have. I can make more of that shit. That's what I do for a living.

Oh, my God. So when you really don't have any material and you don't know how to write, you don't know how to write new material. Oh, shut the fuck up. So that's what you can't do? Oh, suck a dick. There's two different types of mindsets. The type of mindset where someone steals someone else's ideas and tries to pass them off as their own is kind of the opposite mindset to someone who's creative.

Because when you're creative, you're thinking about a bit. You're not thinking about yourself and how the bit is going to work for you and how it's going to kill when you get out there. But when you're stealing, say if you have a bit about lollipops and I go, oh, I wish that was my bit. I'm going to steal that lollipop bit. That bit's going to kill.

And then I do that lollipop bit and it crushes. And I go, oh, I feel so good when I do that lollipop bit. They get addicted to it. That's one of the things about people that get called out for bits and they say, oh, I'm not going to do it anymore. And then I heard he did that bit at the Laugh Factory. You hear it because they get addicted to it. That's one of the things about people that get called out for bits and they say, oh, I'm not going to do it anymore. And then I heard he did that bit at the Laugh Factory. Because they get addicted to the reaction that bit gets.

See, you're addicted to coming up with new stuff. And I am and the people that try to be creative. What you're trying to do is you're, you're trying to like summon these ideas out of the ether. You're trying to pull them out of the air. And then once you have them like, okay, I got it in a bottle. I got it in a bottle. Okay.

Now I got to add things to it. I'm going to bring it alive. I got a fucking Frankenstein and it's alive. Yeah. And then one day, months and months later, you trot that bit out of the improv and it fucking crushes. And that is one of the most amazing feelings. Yeah.

Like someone like Sam Tripoli or Bill Burr come up and go, dude, I love that new bit. And just go. Like it's working. I got it. It's popping. We all love that about each other too. I love when someone's got a new bit. And I go, is that new?

What is that bit? You're like, oh, dude. I know this hour that comes out tonight at midnight i remember watching you run it in the or at its infancy probably like eight months ago right when i was getting ready in february when i was getting ready to tape my special i saw you doing yours and i was like oh shit is this your new material and you're like yeah i'm getting ready to film in you know a couple months and i was like oh like dude that's the greatest feeling when you sit as a comic in the back and you watch your friends just fucking murder.

It inspires you. With shit you haven't heard. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's the best. Yeah. But people that steal will never get that. They will never get it.

They're missing that. It's sad. It's a sad thing because they're always going to have to live this weird lie. You know? The weird lie of creativity. because creativity is so slippery, and you can't be thinking about yourself. That's not what it's about. It's the opposite about that. It's all about the idea. It's all about how it gets to the people. It's all about how it works. Like, you have to, like, take yourself literally out of the equation, but the people still,

it's all about them. It's all about them getting a good feeling doing someone else's bit. And I really think that there's this weird balance to the world. And I think when you do that, I think it takes away from your ability to do the other thing. It takes away from your ability to be creative. I would almost argue I'm the exact opposite. When a bit gets up and running and murderous, I almost feel like I'm lying to the audience. Like I'm cheating going like – You know it works.

You've been doing it too long. I have a hard time doing sets at the store when I got my hour ready. I go, what am I going there for? I'm stealing a spot from someone who can use it and I'm just going up with shit that works? Like, oh, come on, Bert. Yeah, but you're giving the audience a good time and you're keeping everything sharp that's the other thing like once a bit is done it's you can't just leave it alone because like if I had to today go up and do my Bruce Jenner bit I wouldn't be able to do it I

don't know how to do it I haven't done it in two years I literally wouldn't be able to do it it's one of my best bits ever and I wouldn't I wouldn't know where to start I would have to go back listen to it and then I would have to go do it a bunch of times to get it polished again. It's really fun, though, when someone calls out a joke that you haven't told in years, and you're like, I did it this past week. I do an hour 25-minute show, hour 20 show, where I do my new hour, and then at the end, whatever bits I want to hear, I'll tell. That's nice. And it's a two-man show, so I have someone do 15 minutes and i do the rest and that way i feel like people definitely want to hear flying dildos or the machine or and someone called out a mexican kid in the elevator and i was like

whoa i haven't done that since like my first special do you remember how to do it i didn't and but i started doing it and i was like and i was and i just kind of it's your muscle memory goes back in and then you're like and you're so much better of a comedian now that the things that you would have never said back then you didn't know how to do it you just start adding ad libs in and it just kills and you're like shit man i had a guy come on stage once he asked me to do a bit i go i don't remember how to do a bit he goes i do i go get up here bitch so i brought him up on stage and I had him kind of do the bit. I go, yeah, I remember that part.

Okay, okay. I saw some guy on Instagram. He was doing my machine bit as a joke. He's an open mic, or maybe his 10th time on stage or whatever. And his friends, I guess, were fans. And he was like, when I was 22, I got involved with the russian machine or with the russian mafia here's how it happened and they all started laughing he goes i'm just kidding i ain't doing that shit but it made me giggle because he missed he misspoke it's not the way i say it i i got i got in a scuffle with the russian mafia

and i heard something and it made me giggle that's hilarious yeah yeah it's weird how people interpret you're like when you do something and then people really like it and they take it and they make a clip about it or something or they add something to it or they the one of the weirder things has been the animated shit that people do yeah you know see just like you go you we were talking about this the other day that when you're in this room and you're doing this podcast it it just seems like you and me are talking. And that's one of the reasons why it works, or you and me and whoever else is here. But for the people that hear it, the actual numbers that you're dealing with, you're dealing with millions of people. That doesn't seem to register in your head.

with millions of people like that doesn't seem to register in your head and then you'll see these clips and you'll see like these memes and you'll see like these videos and you see like these animated shorts and you see people do impressions of you and you're like wait what what the fuck is that like it takes and then you see people get tattoos of your face on their ass or something like that like on your calf they get you smiling your beard on your on their calf and you're like what the fuck the machine it'll do like i saw a dude who had that russian t-shirt tattooed on his body the one that you made with the machine with the russian language with you like looking off into space i was like whoa it's fucking insane it's weird that's insane especially like i mean dude when i when i saw that

joe rogan meets rojo again i was just you said the guy's a wizard whoever did that shit i had gotten done a show in oxnard and my kids were in the other room my wife there's a new one out with you you know i just reposted it where bert stops talking shit that made me that made me giggle so hard i could not and i just gotten high and i was in a room by myself my family's in another room and i i was like dude i wish i hope this guy knows how much joy he just gave me like whatever i was thinking about you know like my set or whatever i'm dying fucking laughing i was like dude thank you man well it's the amount of effort that it takes to listen to so much audio that you can have a conversation play back and forth between a dude and his self.

You know how many videos that guy must have had to listen to and how much editing he had to do to do that? Dude, I don't want to fanboy out, but I'm a huge fan. And it cuts to you. I was pissing myself. I literally hit pause. You know when you get excited, and you're like, I think you had sent it to me, maybe.

Maybe. Maybe Tommy had sent it to me, and it was too late, but I wanted to text everyone and go, I want everyone to see this. And then when it cut, by the way, I'm already giggling, because I'm, you know. And then when it cuts to me as the mangy chimp, I'm fucking howling.

I am howling, and I'm excited. Did you see a hairless chimp? Like, oh, jeez, look at the balls on that thing. He'll rip your dick off. He'll rip your dick off. Yeah. No. That fucking.

And then when he just did the new one. I got to go pick up my daughter. When he just did the new one of me drinking. Jeez, it's already 2.35. Yeah. This room's a time warp. It really is. It is.

It's a time warp. When the fuck do you ever sit down and talk to somebody for three hours it's the best it's the best thing about these podcasts is that you literally sit and catch up and break balls and giggle come up with brilliant challenges dude it's changed me it's changed me as a person my my ability to communicate is so much i'm just so much better at it than i was nine years ago when i first started doing this you really are there i mean i i can say this as a fan. I think anyone who listens, I've been listening to the podcast.

I always listen to the podcast. You've changed immeasurably in almost the most renaissance way. It's like you have conversations with people I wouldn't know what the fuck they even do. But there's still hints of exactly who you are. You're very measured in what you say and how you put out your ideas. You listen. You're willing to change. I remember when you stopped saying faggot.

I remember when you were like, you know what? I think I'm going to stop saying that in conversation. I remember I was like, oh, that's a good idea. Maybe I should stop too. We were in the old death squad east or west, was it? Oh, in Pasadena? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, the problem is it's a fun thing to say and you don't mean it in a homophobic way. It still is fun to say. I still let it slip out every now and then. It aged like a fine wine. It's a fun thing to say. But the problem is the way it makes other people feel is not fun. Language should be about intent. It should be about you're conveying your intent through a sound.

Yeah. But the problem is it's not working correctly. Like if someone is hearing it on the other end and it's making them angry and you're like, but no, I'm silly. I'm being silly about it. I'm a silly faggot. They're like, no, no, no, you can't. Like, okay, well, it's not.

This is an ineffective use of sound to convey my thoughts. Yeah. And is it worth it to piss people off? You know is it worth it like look what happened with Tommy and the word retard which he's not calling anyone that It's not the the bit is about forbidden language And he literally all he said in that bit was that you're not allowed to use that word anymore. And in saying that, there was massive protests. There was all these people freaking out because they don't even want you to utter the sound.

It's a real problem because that kind of thinking is nonsense. Like to say that it can't be used ever, that you can't admit that it's a word, like you cannot say it. You cannot utter it. That it's abracadabra. That it's a magic word. Yeah. You can't even bring it up in conversation to understand that we are changing. So this word, whatever the word is, that you can't say it anymore. Remember they were trying to get rid of bossy? Do you remember bossy?

No. Yeah. They were trying to say that bossy is a sexist word. You shouldn't use bossy. They abandoned it. But it's that point is that they'll try to find something to be offended by, and they'll try to put whatever that word is into this forbidden category. And then you can have so many words in that category that it's going to be crazy.

And then you have noises that you can't make. I think the real thing that's going to change, and I really think this is going to happen, is we're going to figure out a way to bypass language. There's going to be a way to directly convey information to people without language. And it's going to happen through some sort of technology. And Elon Musk was talking about it on the podcast. There's something called neural link that he's working on. That's some sort of really revolutionary way to increase bandwidth between you and ideas and how ideas get to your head. It's going to be something that you wear. And I think that's going to be like step one.

And then you're going to be able to do that from person to person. And I think, you know, all this, we're so invasive now with social media, like it's so, and cell phones and electronics, everything is in your life and people are getting closer and closer to each other. And one of the side effects of that is that people now realize they can hurt you, so they can attack you easier, and they can tear things down. They can light things on fire because they can.

Not necessarily because it's a wise thing or it's a measured thing or it's a really well-thought-out thing. They're doing it just because it's a new thing that they can use. Like you gave a chimp an ak-47 and they just start shooting up the jungle i mean literally that is what a lot of people are doing with social media but i think that is just a stage and that eventually we're going to bypass language i really i really think that yeah i think it's going to be like emojis and we to communicate through like a form of hieroglyphics almost.

This is a conversation I need to have on November 5th when I'm high. We're going to be baked. Baked, drunk, fucked up. November 5th. I can't fucking wait. Let's wrap this up. So we kind of have a parameter. We'll figure it out as we go along.

I've got it written all right here. I'll take a picture and leave it here. All right. But this is awesome. This is awesome. It's going to be awesome. The belt's going to be the shit because we're going to have that belt every year. I can't fucking wait.

We're going to get a deluxe belt too. Fat leather, brass, beautiful. All right. Your special tonight at midnight. Yeah, midnight tonight. It's called Strange Times. It's fucking amazing. That's where we're living.

I saw the material at the store. Thanks, brother. I'm so excited for you, I'm excited too nervous too bye everybody