The Joe Rogan Experience - #1179 - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: October 3, 2018

Nikki Glaser is an American stand-up comedian, podcast host, and television host. She is currently hosting "You Up with Nikki Glaser" available on Spotify.

Go see a boxing match. He doesn't even want that to be the one. Three, two, one. We live? Are we live? Yeah, we were just talking about Silver October and Ari Shaffir and the speculation that he may be, in fact, running some shenanigans. We do not know.

It seems to be shenanigans at play here. He went too strong the first day. I don't believe that you could sustain that amount of heart rate for that long. It's interesting to look at his graph because he was at 80 plus percent of his max heart rate for more than an hour and 20 minutes. Look, he might just be trying to kill himself. He's got a strong will. Does he? Yes.

I know he's shifty and honest. How can he's shifty and honest like the thing is he's shifty and honest that's because he'll eventually come out with this is what i did and of course i did that you guys knew i was doing it the whole time that's what he'll say that's a good impression of ari yeah thank you oh come on yeah of course of course i was gonna do that. So, yeah. But he is shifty and on, like, he... He's a prankster. He's a prankster. He's definitely going to do some weird stuff to get ahead in this. But he also knows he's going to lose, too. Do you know what he did in Legion of Skanks?

No. Oh, God. He shit in a box and brought it onto the stage. And he had it, like, sealed up. And then opened it in front of everybody. And apparently the smell was, like, so horrendous, people were bailing out of the room and gagging and throwing up. It's like a public health hazard.

You're not supposed to have shit, human shit, in public. He's so weird. He's the best. Love him. In the Legion of Skanks, they've seen everything. For them to be running out of the room. Yeah, they've done everything and seen everything, and Ari still freaked them out.

I can't believe that I just now heard that story. That should be like a headline, that someone shit in a box and brought it into a room where the live podcast was taking place. It was a small room, too. I mean, it was like a room with like 100 people in it. I love someone who's not scared to talk about shit and deal with shit yeah no Ari's not

scared of that I mean look the fact that he entered into this contest at all and he doesn't work out at all for ten years and then he's like there's a fitness contest and the loser has to do something we haven't totally determined what the loser has to do Ari wants us to like drink each other's piss

he wants to drink your piss that's what loser has to do. Ari wants us to drink each other's piss. He wants to drink your piss. That's what Ari wants to do. He can't think he's going to win. He's going to lose. He might not lose. Right now, Tom Segura is in the bottom. Tom Segura is at the bottom. I think Tom is going to try.

I mean, you're obviously set to win this thing, but I think Tom's going to sneak up. He's playing it down. You looked at his wrist yesterday. You go, what's a thousand something? Oh, that's nothing. Just the calories he burned that day. A thousand. Tom's sneaky.

Yeah, a lot of people feel like that. I really think he's going to do something on this. He's going to be the one to beat. You've got to realize though, Burt ran a marathon. He did run a marathon. I know. This is fun, I have to say. Because I don't... Any one of you could pull ahead.

But you're the... I mean, can we talk about what you did yesterday? Yeah, I worked out for three hours and 20 minutes. I'm trying to double everyone. Yeah. I'm trying to break Bert's will. That's what I'm really trying to do. Because he talks all this Mickey Mantle jean shit.

I'm like, motherfucker, I'm crazy. You don't understand. I will work out twice a day like that. I will try to give you a fucking heart attack, you fat fuck. I would love to see it. You will, too. You'll kill him. You could kill him.

I just don't know if he's going to. I don't know how long he's going to keep it up. Because, like, Bert's very competitive up to a point. Like, with the weight loss challenge Tom stayed steady and Tom won in the end and one big Bert tried he tried to sprint towards the end right but it's too little too late and Tom was talking shit the entire time like I know what you're gonna do you're gonna fuck off until the very end then you're gonna try to catch up but it's gonna be too late and he was right yep Bert I don'turt, I don't know if Burt's will can be broken.

Has it been broken before? Well, it's not his will. It's the discipline aspect. See, when you're dealing with an entire month, you have 31 days of having to get after it. So how often do you get after it normally? See that's the thing. Yeah. The difference between me and Bert is I work out

almost every day already. So for me, it's just like those days off don't exist anymore. So what I've decided to do on my days off is just do shit that I wouldn't normally do. So I'll do the elliptical machine for two hours or I'll do something else. I'll just do something else. But the whole time I'm

thinking, I'm going to break Bert. I'm going to break Bert. I'm going to break Bert. Fuck your Mickey Mantle jeans. Yeah, you guys were talking about who you think about when you're really trying to get past that point where you're either kickboxing or even on an elliptical. Sometimes you've got to get angry. Yeah. And you think of Bert. Right now you're thinking about Bert.

Right now I'm thinking of Bert. I'm thinking of breaking Bert. Breaking his will. I don't understand. You guys are all addicts in different ways. For sure. And this is so interesting to watch because you're right. You already work out a lot.

You're an extremely healthy guy, but you're now going to take it. I can see the excitement on all of you to take this to just an excruciating level because it gets obsessive and it gets fun like you can work but that's the thing i'm excited to talk to you at the beginning of this when you're still pumped up about it and it's like you get a high from working out for three and a half hours a day 17 days from now i'm gonna be a beaten man yeah you are and you're gonna get a surge at the end when it gets close again. But 17 days, you're right. That's not going to be a fun day for you. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Who knows? You know, did you ever see there's a really interesting documentary with Eddie Izzard and Eddie Izzard, who's not a guy in really good. Did you see it?

I didn't see it, but I know what he's done. I love that guy. He's so impressive. He's amazing. What he did was he ran around Europe. He did a marathon a day with no training. I mean, no training. He wasn't in shape. He was overweight. His feet weren't prepared. His feet got destroyed. And I watched this in the beginning. I watched this. I was like, how is he going to do this? And then towards the end, I was like, wow, this guy is a force of will, just sheer will. I mean, his lifestyle is not that he's exercising consistently and this is just, he's just going to do a little

bit more and really push himself hard. No. No exercise. Yeah. Just like, I don't think he exercised at all. Or if he did, it was just, he just had a normal body. You know, he didn't have a body of someone who's used to... I know, you look at him, you go, a marathon a day out of this guy?

Anyone could do that. But it's so mental. Mental, yeah. And I think a lot of comedians have that. Maybe I'm just doing the thing what comedians do of patting themselves on the back for being more interesting than other people. Like we do all the time. Like we're so much more broken and we have such more willpower. But I think that there's,

I get obsessed with exercise too and I really get into it and I kind of, I remember Louis C.K. doing some interview where he said that he runs five miles a day because on that fourth mile

when he doesn't want to do the fifth, he thinks about like a day where he'll be on set and want to just call it a day and not push through and it's like how it all relates. Or you'll be in the middle of an hour set and you'll be tired and you just, everything can relate to being on set or in the middle of a set and that run five miles a day, making

yourself do that means you can get through anything. And so I run a lot and I have, I think of it the same way. It's just endurance to perform for an hour every night. Like that's insane that we do that well if you have more energy you definitely can put out more during a show so if you are in better shape you'll have more cardio you won't get exhausted you'll be able to put out more energy you'll be more vibrant more robust you know you you really kind of i mean in some ways if you're doing like an hour a night, especially if you're doing two shows a night, right,

you owe it to yourself to have an energy reserve. Yeah. It's just that I just think that running so monotonous and there's so many times where you could go, I could just not do this. I could just start walking and who cares? But something about pushing yourself through a run when you could give up, it always,

you never regret it, I'll say that. Yeah. You never regret keeping running when you could just walk. It's like a moving meditation in a lot of ways. Yes. You're forcing your mind to take control of your body and you're forcing your mind to ignore all of the aches and pains and all the desire to quit.

That's what people say that run marathons. You know, that you just have to, like my friend John Joseph says it best. He said, you got to tell your, your mind has to tell your body who the fuck the boss is. God, it is. I just did Dancing with the Stars. Holy shit. I just got eliminated last week. That's a lot of work it was

so physically exhausting for it was a month of my life every day four hours a day dancing and i've never danced before and um but it was i didn't realize how mental it it all really is in the end like athletics it's so mental i didn't realize it because i've never been an athlete my whole life but before i got into this competition i was like reading all the books about like well i am where i am physically that's not going to change so i better figure out a way to mentally overcome some stuff and i was able to but man it is it's all that yeah i feel like a lot of times and it broke me in many ways mentally and physically. But it was, I mean, it was my sober October for sure.

It was my you working out every single day and giving it, trying to beat Bert. It's definitely not easy. There's nothing. I did a bunch of dancing lessons for a movie that I was in called Zookeeper with Kevin James. Yeah. Way back in the day. And I had to learn how to dance. And then I had to learn how to dance with Leslie Bibb, you know, from Talladega Nights.

She was my ex-girlfriend that I was trying to win back from Kevin in the movie. So I had to learn how to, like, there was a scene where we dance in this ballroom. And, you know, you realize how difficult it is. Like, for hours we're practicing these moves and it's fucking monotonous. And here's the thing, I don't give a fuck about dancing. So it's something I had to force myself to do

that I didn't really want to do. It's not that I don't give a fuck about, dancing's fun if you just do whatever you want, but when you're doing this very specific pattern to certain music and you did, ugh, yeah. I, oh yes, this is the scene kevin james rosario oh my gosh look at you yeah we had to practice this shit over and over again for weeks and weeks what was that you yeah it was good it was exhausting there was a lot to it

It was good. It was exhausting. There was a lot to it. It was so stupid. It was so stupid. It's so hard. Dancing is so hard. And just like you, I, wow, that's good.

I don't, I don't care about it. I don't, it's not something, when I want to be good at something, I will give everything to be good at it. And here's the other thing. If you have a natural ability to begin with, if someone goes, you've got a knack for this. You go, oh, well, I'm good. I'm going to keep trying. When I walked into this, I've never, no one's ever been like, you've got rhythm, girl. No one's ever, no one's ever given me even the slightest nudge towards any kind of playing, you know, having any musical ability or having any dance ability.

If anything, I've been shamed my whole life. And then they asked me to do this literally my whole life. I've never danced at weddings. I don't dance at concerts because I just know that I'm going to be made fun of in some way. And obviously no one's even thinking about me. But in my head, it's my most insecure thing to do. I would rather have sex on TV. A hundred percent.

Really? Than do Dancing with the Stars. If there was a... Fucking with the stars? Sign me up, Joe. I'm serious. This was my biggest fear, but you can't turn down these things when they're offered to you. I feel like, especially if there's something that scares you that much as this did, I was

like, what do I have to lose? I'm not going gonna die doing this what's the worst that could happen is i'm voted off first and they say really mean the judges say mean things about my dancing style they like simon from yeah are they mean really they got mean to me they got really mean to me you're fucking super serious listen i got eliminated less than like a week ago from the show that i gave everything to and i and i went in saying i'm a terrible dancer i don't know what i'm doing and i did a whole dance and i didn't mess up joe like i and i got very injured the day before i couldn't even move i couldn't get out of bed i had to have help because I tore something in my back and I overcame it mentally. I talked

myself out of having an injury mentally. I meditated my way out of it, which I've done with several different injuries in my life of just like, I gotta be better. I have to dance on live TV tonight and I couldn't move. I couldn't brush my hair because my arm was hurting so bad that morning. So I just started

saying to myself, you're strong, you're prepared, and this is easy. You're strong, you're prepared, this is easy. And I said it 3,000 times out loud in the makeup chair all day, walking around, slowly going from this kind of injury, walking like in the morning to, okay, I'm strong, I'm prepared, this is easy. And then at the end of the day, I danced on live TV and I cured myself mentally. It was insane. Dude. But they were so mean to me.

Especially Len Goodman, the British old cranky judge. Who's the British guy? Why are the British guys always assholes? It was really hurtful and I took it in stride, but he called me awkward. I just wanted to walk away from the show not being like a white girl dancing meme you know like I just didn't want people to be like oh white girls can't

dance because I know I can't dance and I just didn't want to be made fun of and he made fun of me he was like you look awkward because at the end of it I just go I can dance like it was just me being funny because I obviously can't but I was like I just completed a dance that if you watch, it's not that terrible. I was very injured that morning.

I was proud of myself. And he goes, you were awkward and you can't dance. You can't dance. And then he said other things that I just, I kind of blacked out during it because I was so sad. And I was just holding on to Tom Bergeron for dear life. And then I got eliminated first. to Tom Bergeron for Dear Life. And then I got eliminated first.

So it's so funny to me because I took on this challenge being like, the worst that could happen is that I get eliminated first, which I surely won't do because I can't be that bad. I'll be better than... Somebody.

Somebody. Right. 13 people. And I wasn't. I was the worst. My worst fear did happen. I got made fun of on TV. I got eliminated first. And you know did happen. I got made fun of on TV.

I got eliminated first. And, you know, like being on a reality show, like have you done a reality show where it's like and the next to the first the first contestant eliminated from the show. And then there's and there's a spotlight on you. And I'm staring at the stage like just a slat in the stage. I'm just staring there being like they're going to say Nikki and Gleb. They're going to say Nikki and Gub. They're going to say Nikki and glub. And they, Nikki and glub. And it was just like, I'm on a reality show right now getting eliminated. It was so surreal and it sucked.

And it sucked. And I'm still obviously very much feeling it. And I loved the show. I wanted to like keep going. I wanted to do different dances. I like was ready to really, because I just learned how to learn how to dance. So I had to learn how to learn how to, because I'd never danced before in my life. Never learned the margarita.

I took myself out of any kind of dancing that was offered to me in school because I was just like, I'm a bad dancer. I don't want anyone to make fun of me. I'll never dance. And I sign up for the show. I learn a dance. I nail it as much as I can nail something. I was very proud of myself. And then I get eliminated.

And it really, obviously, I'm like, still, I'm just. Has anybody ever done it two years in a row? I would love to do it. I was almost, no. Why don't you start taking dancing lessons? I would love to. Why don't you do that and then come back next year and shove it up

that British guy's ass? I don't think they'd want me back. I bet they would. I bet they have a hard time getting people to do that show. Why did they let me go so soon then, Joe?

Because it didn't feel like it was because of my dancing. It felt, you know, when you get eliminated from one of these shows that you just go,

oh, they don't, someone at the top doesn't like me. There's something else involved here. It's not America. That might be your own head, though. Yeah. That might be your own head. It's probably just, but out of 13 people, they liked me the least. Well, maybe, just being honest, you had the worst performance.

Isn't that possible? I mean, you don't dance. I did not. If I was on with you, I probably would have had the worst performance. Isn't that possible? I mean, you don't dance. I did not. If I was on with you, I probably would have had the worst performance. I don't fucking dance. Right. Right? So it's like, think about your base that you're coming from.

You're not a person who dances. Right. This is a totally new thing for you. But if now you have this in your head and you decide to take dancing lessons and you do it on a regular basis, just once, twice a week for a year, you could be fucking amazing by the time next year rolls around. God.

I really, I gotta see if they allow people to enter a second time. I guarantee you they will. But look, it's fucking hard to get people to do that show. A lot of people say no. A lot of people. It's a massive commitment. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, a lot of people don't have the courage or the time or the interest i did last comic standing twice and got the same place so this isn't looking good for me that was that was a different host to the same host it was a different host different judges because the first time i did it i was in college and i like there was no reason for me to even get as far as i got but last comic standing let's be honest, it was rigged. Did you ever host or do it? Yeah, you hosted.

I was, no, I was one of the judges. Okay. And there was a real issue with one season, not with mine, but with Brett Butler, Drew Carey, and a couple other people. They protested because the person they voted for did not make it through because the producers decided that they knew better. And because they wanted the television show to be more interesting. So they wanted someone more controversial or whatever it was. So it was this huge deal where they're like, wait a minute, why are we here as judges if you're not even counting our vote?

Like this is all a puppet show. Like what's happening here and then there was also conflict because one of the guys who was a producer was also a manager of some of the people that were on the show and people like what the fuck you know there was a lot of issues there was a lot of issues with that show yeah but i think that's every reality yeah but it's a contest. There's rules. I would tell people that wanted to be on Fear Factor. They would say, hey, man, can you get me on Fear Factor? I'd say, stop right now.

There's very specific rules about game shows. I can't even talk to you. If you want to be on the show, I can't say, hey, man, I'm going to get you on the show because I like you and I'm going to help you. I can't do that. Yeah, there's laws. If you want to be on the show because I like you and I'm going to help you. I can't do that. Yeah, there's laws. If you want to be on the show, don't talk to me. Right.

Because if I have to go to court, like, do you remember that show, Quiz Show? Yeah, the movie was based upon that controversy. Because it was a fraudulent show. Because during that show, they decided this one guy who was winning, they decided it was a great thing to have him keep winning. And so they rigged the show. winning, they decided it was a great thing to have them keep winning, and so they rigged the show. And because of that, there's actual federal laws about how you organize and run game shows. There's real laws behind this kind of stuff.

So now that's why I think I can't go back. I don't think that's the case. I love this idea. I would like to tell ABC I am interested in coming back. They're going to hear this, and I guarantee you, you can go back. I am interested in coming back and they're going to hear this. And I guarantee you, you can go back. I would love to go back. I had the best time. I just want to be a dancer now. I stopped doing comedy

because I just wanted to focus solely on dancing. And I started doing comedy towards the end because you do something four hours a day that you're terrible at. You want to go do something you're good at just to get your ego back in place because I was beaten down four hours a day of just i'm terrible and i was able to get to a place where i could kind of have my my teacher gleb savchenko is one of the best dancers in the world he would just say like i've never he's been a teacher teaching dance since he

was 14 years old and he was like i've never met someone who is so bad. I've never met someone who's, I go, I'm special needs dancing. If this were a, I would be on the short bus for dancers. I just don't have whatever it takes, but I worked hard enough that I was able to learn a very difficult dance.

Let me stop you there. It's not that you don't have what it takes. You've never exercised it. Yes. You know how to move. You're not ambulatory. I see you walking around. I don't have what it takes. You've never exercised it. Yes. You know how to move. You're not ambulatory. I see you walking around. I don't mean to say that I'm disabled in any way,

but whatever some people are born with that gives them a natural rhythm and ability to dance, I don't. I think there's very little of that, and a lot of it is just a bunch of dancing. You're right. I just haven't danced at all. Yeah. I mean, think about it.

I mean, if you never played basketball and you went and played basketball, you're like, God damn it. I'm terrible. I thought I was going to kick ass. Yeah. You know, that's like a lot of people feel like that about fighting. Like a lot of people think if I ever fought, I'd fuck people up. Like you.

Yeah. Good luck. You think that good luck. That's the thing is I wanted, I kept saying down the barrel of the camera, I'm like, if you're watching at home being like, why can't this girl do this? Because it would be like clapping that I couldn't get or walking and clapping together. And I could just picture people at home watching me struggle and be like, I could do that. Like I say to the computer when I watch this stuff.

But I'm like, until you do it, you don't know how hard this is. It look, everyone assumes that they can do it just like stand up but here's the difference with stand up is like i had people just like you did throughout your childhood and growing up being like you're funny you've got like no one's ever been like you should dance like no do you know what i mean like we have a natural knack at what we do that's kept us that made us even try it in the first place, right? Right. Like, who was the first person that you remember being like, you're funny?

Well, there's, like, one guy in specific that I'm still very good friends with. His name's Steve Graham. He's an ophthalmologist, actually. And when we were friends, I was 15, and he was probably in his late 20s. And we were training together. We were doing martial arts together. And he was just, I would just do impressions of our friends. And he was like, you should be a comedian.

And I was like, get the fuck out of here. There's no way, man. I was like, look, I say fucked up things that you think are funny because you're fucked up too. I'm like, regular people are going to think I'm an asshole. Like I just wanted to make people laugh that were around me. I didn't, you know, and then I started going, uh, I went to an open mic night and then I realized like, Oh, there's like a whole, this is like martial arts. Like there's a whole process of learning.

Like I didn't think of it that way. I thought people were just really good. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, like, Hey, it's Jerry Seinfeld. Like when I was in high school, yeah. When I was in high, senior year in high school, hey, it's Jerry Seinfeld. And he just gets up and talks. Yeah. When I was a senior in high school, this girl I was dating, we went to see Jerry Seinfeld

at the Paradise. It was this big club in Boston. And I remember sitting there thinking, like, this guy is incredible. He's just talking. And all these people are laughing. Like, this is amazing. What a crazy ability to do that. You know?

And just, wow, blew me away. And then a couple years later, I was doing it. Yeah. It's weird. It is. I would love to see a picture of you in that crowd that night, never having been on stage with a mic, and then look at you now.

It's just so crazy, those moments of, like, in your life where you were at a Jerryerry seinfeld show going whoa i could never do that joe rogan that's so nuts it was weird and now you're like you and jerry seinfeld to me are like one in the same like that's the same so that's that's cool but that what i'm saying is that you need these people in your early on you need to be i would never have done stand-up comedy had someone not like, you should be a comedian. I was desperate for anyone to give me any kind of direction. Right.

And then some one person says that one ophthalmologist says it and then it becomes your career. And that's why I'm always I always try to just tell when I see people like something in someone, I try to say that because you don't know if you're the one person that's going to get them to go do it. I do that, too. I've tried to talk like 100 people into being comed someone. I try to say that because you don't know if you're the one person that's going to get them to go do it. I do that too. I've tried to talk like a hundred people into being comedians. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I've always tried to tell friends that I have that are funny. I'm like, you should just try it. Just go up in an open mic night and give it a shot. I always just say, do it. If you want to do it, do it now because you're going to do it eventually and you're going to regret not doing it sooner. You might not do it. There was this nurse that used to work at this doctor's office that I go to.

She was fucking hilarious. And I was always telling her, listen to me. You should fucking do comedy. You really should try it. And she never did it. I went there for years. And she thought about doing it. She said, I'm going to come to an open mic night. I go, tell me when you're going. I'll go. I'll go. I'll meet you there. I'll help you. I'll introduce you to the whole process i'll show you how it works i'll show you there's a sign up people go up listen she's not meant to do it well it's like you can lead what's that expression you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink yep yeah it's like i know but just i think you have to be fucked up to want that kind of rejection and humiliation that we got in the early days.

Like the early days to like people see you now. You go up in the main room. Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki Glaser. Clap, clap, laugh. Thank you. Good night. Seems like fun. Hey, that seems like a great gig.

But see you when you're an open mic-er and you're around all those fucking psychopaths that are signing up for open mics. They're all smelly and creepy. Stanford and Sons in Kansas City. That's where I started, dude. Oh, my God. I heard Craig just died recently. I know.

I know. We used to call him Beetlejuice because he'd talk to you like this. Hey, Nicky. Nicky, you want to really work here? Come sit on Craig's lap, Uncle Craigie. Yep. That takes me right back, dude. Yeah.

You started there. That was a fun gig. It was a fun gig. I used to love that place. Classic road gig. Just seedy. Didn't know if you were going to get paid the full amount. Good shows, too.

Rowdy, drunk. Kansas City's a fun place. It was a fun place. I was just there a couple weeks ago, and I did some crazy outdoor place. Some outdoor amphitheater. It was awesome. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it was really weird.

It's not always great. I didn't even know it was outdoor until we got there. One of those gigs where you're like, I didn't read any of the emails about this. I didn't pay attention to anything. It was me and Santino. And Santino was like, I think this is outside. I was like, get the fuck out of here. It's not outside.

Oh, it's outside. That was strange. Yeah, it started in Kansas City. But it just, I've been relating it recently. I'm like working on a bit about encouraging people early on. Because I do look at the people that told me you should be a comedian right before I tried it. Because I was going to be an actress. And then then I was like I'm not really good at this and I'm not I don't care enough to get good at it like I see what it takes to be great at being an actress and I was

just like I don't want to do that right but then someone was like you're funny you should try stand-up and then that that was like oh I care enough about this to go through the worst of it and get good. But I have been exploring recently on stage blowjobs. I've been talking through and I think it's the same thing because I'm not great at them. I've never been like, wow, you're the best at this. And I've never been a girl

who's like, I love giving blowjobs. And I've always heard girls, there's some girls that say that, like, I love sucking dick. And I've always been like... Do they some girls that say that like I love sucking dick and I've always been like do they say that to you or do they say that to guys they say it just out there and I've always called bullshit on it because I just think it's like

you're just serving a guy and there's no way that you can enjoy it like it's not that comfortable of a thing but maybe you get some what's the compersion where you enjoy someone else's pleasure yes so maybe it's that. But now I realize that the difference between me and those girls is that those

girls, the first time they gave a blowjob, I guarantee, or one of the first times, the guy was like, you're amazing at this. You're really good at this. Because when a girl is told, or anyone is told early on, the first time they do something, they're like, you have a natural talent at this.

You go, I do. And then you do it again and again because you're like, I'm good at this. This is my thing. And then you get good at it and you're like, it's my thing. But no one ever said that to me about blowjobs early on. It was always just kind of like a means to an end. And I feel like if someone would have just been like lied to me. So I ask guys now like just lie to every girl. a means to an end and i feel like if someone would have just been like lied to me so i am

i ask guys now like just lie to every girl if you get a blowjob and it's like mediocre just be like you're the best at this ever like this is the best blowjob i've ever received because she will be so it'll make her feel good what's it gonna hurt that she thinks she's the best at this thing that she's not that great at but she'll do it a lot because she'll be like i'm great at this and this guy thinks i'm the greatest at it so she'll do it a lot and then'll be like, I'm great at this. And this guy thinks I'm the greatest at it. So she'll do it a lot. And then by doing a lot, she'll get better. And then everyone wins. Yeah, maybe.

Or she could just suck a lot of dicks and people will lie to her. And then her self-esteem gets shattered if she runs into the one dude and said, Who the fuck told you you're good at this? It's just like, everybody told me I was great. No, no, you're not good at this at all. It's all teeth and you're always choking. This is crazy. But maybe even a girl that is really good at them can meet a guy that's like your tail.

Because everyone likes different styles. So I think that you run that risk regardless. Maybe some guys just like really bad blowjobs, right? Like some guys like blowjobs from someone who seems like they've never done it before. That way they don't feel like they're the 90th in line oh that's a really good point joe like you could be into a blowjob that's kind of apprehensive and like what am i doing because that how does this like a virginal type situation yeah she's putting on an act she's got pigtails on i just school girl outfit what am i doing wait what do you teach what do you do with this? Are you sure? Oh my god, my friend recently, because we've talked a lot, me and my

friend have talked a lot about how we just are insecure that we're bad at blowjobs and we've taken classes at Babeland or all these things. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They give out classes on how to get blowjobs. Who's teaching the classes? Girls or guys? I think it was like a gay

guy and a woman together. A gay guy. That's what I was thinking. A gay guy should know how to suck a dick because he has one. I've read everything. I've watched tutorials. It's just not getting through to me. I haven't.

And I'm not bad at them. I don't think I'm bad at them, but I think I always was apprehensive because I think the first thing I heard about blowjobs was that the first complaint I would hear around me was too much teeth. And I've always had like really big teeth. And so I'm like, I have big teeth. They're not abnormal. But I always just was like, I had buck teeth as a kid. So I was, people always called me like a beaver. I was like, my teeth are going to get in the way of this.

So I immediately, that was my biggest issue. And then you learn that like's easy to work around. And then, so anyway, but my friend said that she learned this new trick where when she's hooking up, she'll do a role play of like, will you teach me how to do a blow job? But she's actually wanting them to teach her. And so it's a hot thing where like she gets to role play, but she honestly doesn't know. And then the guy tells her exactly what to do. And then if she messes up, it's part of the character as opposed to her being bad at blowjobs. So that's my next thing I'm going to try, I think.

So the guy's invested in the project. Yeah. And if you mess up, that's part of your character. You're just being good at the role play. It's not because you're innately bad at blowjobs. But then when you break up, you're like, listen, asshole, I sucked a hundred dicks before you. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was trying to make you feel better, you fucking loser.

By the way, they were all bigger than yours. All of them. Exactly. Yeah. It's, um, yeah, I don't know. I have a lot of thoughts about sex, obviously. Well, your act is very much like that. It is, but it's...

And I hate being pegged, no pun intended, as like a sex comic, but like... Because I just did this ABC show, Dancing with the Stars, and the whole time I'm trying to be on my very best behavior because I want to play the game. I don't want to be

the sex girl. You don't want to get kicked off in the first episode. Yeah. I don't want to offend children watching at home. That's not my... I'm never talking about sex so people go, ooh, she's... You do nightclub comedy. You're there for adults. Well, I'm just talking about what I want to talk about. Right. Obviously. We all know that.

But I think sometimes people are like, you're the sex comic. It's like, I just think that's the most interesting topic right now. That's why I'm talking about it. Yeah. That becomes a problem, right? You get labeled. Yeah. It sucks. Because I have ambition beyond being a comedian who talks about sex.

But already I've brought it there with you because it is my wheelhouse. I'm most comfortable talking about it. It's fun to talk about. I have a lot of opinions about it. I was trying to behave myself so much on Dancing with the Stars because I don't want to be labeled as that but and I also was

like didn't have sex I was 21 Really? Yeah I was not and then I didn't because I was all through high school I was just like scared of guys I don't know why I was just scared of intimacy scared of boys couldn't didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 and even then it was like one shot deal and then i didn't do it for years and then i got

an eating disorder which like pushed men away because i looked like a skeleton and then as soon as i was able then i i had sex but it was years and years until i started like drinking i couldn't have sex and then i quit drinking and i couldn't have sex. And then I quit drinking and I couldn't have sex again. Think about how many people have gotten laid because of booze. Everyone. It's stunning. Joe. Do you remember when there was this ridiculous time just a few years ago where they were trying to push this narrative that if you

have sex with someone who's been drinking, that you're a rapist. Even if you're drinking too. This is this like weird third wave feminist nonsense where they were adults. Two grown adults have a couple of drinks. You're not supposed to do that because they can't consent because they're drinking. And so people were literally calling people and accusing people of rape because they had sex with each other while they were both drunk.

No. Well, it was a real weird time. And they've abandoned it because it's so preposterous, and the pushback was so hard. But you're responsible for yourself every other time when you're drunk. If you're driving, you're responsible. If you get in a fight, you're responsible. You're responsible during all those things.

But somehow or another, if you and a person are exchanging pleasure, then you are not responsible for your actions, and you can't consent to that because you've been drinking. And then it becomes rape. And it's only, really only rape in the case of the guy. It's never rape, like a girl raped a guy because the guy was drunk. Right. Even though I know stories of where that's happened, where a guy wakes up from a blackout and a girl is...

Sucking his dick. Yeah. Yeah. And that's... And he's like, hey, do I know you? If it was the other way around, that's rape. Ra dick. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, and he's like, Hey, do I know you? If it was the other way around, that's right. Right.

Yeah. Um, yeah, I, but obviously it's not the same. No. And no one would be having sex if we didn't, if we didn't have alcohol,

like so few people, so few people. It'd be like 30% of the people having sex. Dude, think about casual. That's my whole point right now is like, I can't have, I'm like single. I can't even have casual sex because I'm sober. So how long have you been sober?

It'll be seven years in December from alcohol. Whoa. Yeah. And before then I was hooking up a left and right. It was so fun. I was blacking out just to have sex because I was scared of intimacy. I'm realizing all of this now. You're going through therapy the whole deal? You're doing all that jazz?

Yeah, I go through therapy. I work on myself constantly. I meditate. I do all the things and I don't know if I'm any... I am better for it, but I realize that I'm not having sex and it's not fun. I'm hooking up with ex-boyfriends which, you know, that's

because there's no pressure there of like, this is new. And am I going to catch feelings? It's like they've already been had or they'll bubble up again. You just get to scratch an itch. Yes. Yes. But having like new sex casually, like I just can't, I can't even imagine doing that. But I had so much when I drank because it just makes everything easier.

And I used to just... And I ask the crowd sometimes, I'm like, have you guys ever... Who here has had sex for the first time with someone where both of you were stone cold sober? First time sex. Literally two people raised their hand in the main room of the comic store.

Porn stars. Exactly. You're so right. No one. Let's sing at home right now, wherever you are. Have you ever had sex for the first time with someone where you're both sober? It doesn't happen in our society. Well, alcohol gets abused, for sure. But it also gets used.

Used correctly. There's good things to alcohol. I think it's a technology that alleviates a lot of your inhibitions and it makes people feel better. I miss it for that reason. Are you an addict? I mean, is it possible that you could drink a little bit? I'd be fine drinking a little bit. I know I would.

That's the first thing you say before you wake up in the gutter. Exactly. You know, I just like, I know how I am with weed and I have to, I start out and I go, I'll just get high as a treat. Right. You know, after a set. And then I go, it'd be fun to be high for this set. And then it's like, it'd be fun to be high when I wake up in the morning. And so it always snowballs into I'm high all day.

And then I have to go, okay, sober October, and I quit for a month, and then I build it back up again. Is that what you're doing right now with weed? Like, you say you're sober. So you're sober with alcohol, but you smoke a little weed? But I smoke a little weed, and I've gone years in this seven years of not smoking weed. But I'm back on it. I quit for Dancing with the Stars because my short-term memory was shit, and you can't learn dance steps when you're high.

Right. I thought it might, like, help me. No. But no. I think if you already knew it, if you had it locked in your memory, then it would be good

because you would like feel it more. Yes. But it was terrible for me. So I quit for three weeks and the second I got eliminated, I started again and have,

so it's been a week of me smoking weed again and it's already like, it's, you know, the snowball effect is in play. But weed does not derail my work ethic. It makes me work out more. It makes me think in a different creative way. And it eventually impedes me when it starts to interfere with, like, my voice if I start getting, like, hoarse more because I'm doing radio every morning.

Does it make you hoarse? Yeah, because I just, like, Iarse more, because I'm doing radio every morning, and then I'm... Does it make you hoarse? Yeah, because I just, like, inhale. I don't know how to inhale or something. I just... Why don't you use edibles? I do, but those aren't... I like to, like, I like to feel it in my lungs and feel it immediately.

If there was an immediate edible, I'd do it. What about vaporizers? I like those, too, but, again, those fuck up my voice too. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Yeah. But with alcohol, I will say I just could see it snowballing into a point where I would quit again. But I miss drinking a lot for the sex thing, for the dancing thing. Just dancing to music in general, like, is more fun.

Right. If you're drunk. Yeah. Just life. Like, first two drinks. Like, life is pretty great. Yeah. For a couple of drinks.

You feel good. But sending text messages I don't want to send. Right. I don't want to talk to guys I don't want to talk to in the morning. All of that anxiety. The hangover. That's what I'm avoiding is the hangover. And with weed, I don't have a hangover.

Yeah. Do you get hangovers? From weed? No. No. But from booze? Sure. And does it make you want to quit and question everything?

I mean, how do you keep your drinking in check? I've never had a problem with drinking. It's never been like, God, I need a drink. I've never been like that. Sober October was the first time I did absolutely nothing for a whole month. I didn't smoke a joint. I didn't do mushrooms. I didn't, nothing.

Right. Wasn't that hard. What was interesting about it was the dreams. First of all, because the dreams come hard and fast when you're off the weed. And they, because apparently I talked to this guy, Dr. Matthew Walker, who's a dream specialist. And he was on the podcast discussing the importance of sleep, sleep specialist, I should say. But he was saying that marijuana, it impedes certain aspects of REM sleep, which is when you do all your dreaming. So when you get off the marijuana, your brain apparently makes up for lost time and hits you with some crazy fucking dream, talking frogs and fucking unicorns and roller coasters

that go straight to heaven and like fucking bananas dreams. Did you have that? Are you having that? Oh my God. Well, the thing is this time for Sober October, I was way tapered off by the time this rolled around. Like I smoked a little pot in

Toronto on Saturday, but I mean a little. Like I took like one or two hits. I had a drink, maybe two drinks. I think I had one drink when I went on stage and then I had a couple glasses of wine after the show we went out to this restaurant after the show but yeah it was the eat this was an easy one because I was kind of right but

I think I slowed down after last year I think doing that sober October thing made me realize like hmm there's like there's like some, there's some, I'm of that school that, right, unfortunately, that all my favorite comics did drugs. All of them. Yeah. Hicks, Kinison, Pryor, everyone did drugs. They were all, I mean, Pryor was coke. I've never touched coke, but Kinison was coke, too.

But Hicks was more psychedelics and i mean he did coke and alcohol and a lot of stuff before but there was there was oh they were all like these wild fucks like ron white is a good friend of mine always drunk and there's like this part of that life that you know there's so it's so attractive because it's just like this wild, carefree, rebellious, figured out tomorrow life. And that's the life of the comic. But I realized like after last year's Sober October that there's a lot of that stuff you could do if you're sober. Like, and it's, I think, as I said, you can abuse alcohol, but you can also use it.

You know, you can use it. You can have a couple of drinks and feel good and you enjoy the moment more. You know, there's, there's something, there's something to it, but it's really a matter of your own personality and discipline. It's like how much and how much of an addict are you? Like what, how much, what is it? What holes are missing in your brain that get filled up with that booze and that, like, once you take the booze away, there's, like, this gaping chasm that you need to fill. You know, what is that?

And you've got to figure out who you are because I know some people that can't have anything. They have one drink and then they're off to the races and they're doing meth. Yeah, that's not me, but it's – I just... I would get blackout drunk a lot. And, like, after a couple beers.

Were you less secure then than you are now? Yeah, way less secure. But I think being sober has helped me become more secure, but... Because you're forced to be in the moment. Yeah. I just... I worry about my depression too like with adding booze onto depression which i feel like i have a good handle of right now i

just don't want to lose it because i think that like i don't know obviously alcohol is depressant and so i think that and and the people that i i i get really, really depressed and like in a dangerous way where I'm like, I got to watch it. Like I got to be vigilant about meditating every day to keep my depression at bay. So what do you think that is? Do you think that's a genetic thing? Do you think it runs in your family? I think it must run in my family. I think we have stuff that I haven't even like found out.

Like there's some suspicious deaths in my family that i'm like was that suicide yeah you know where i'm like i think it's describe how it feels like what is your depression feeling it feels like it honestly i i get suicidal thoughts not like i should i should kill. It's like kill yourself. It would be fun to kill yourself. It would be fun. Literally soothing. It soothes me to think about killing myself when I'm in my worst depressive stages.

And I compare it to like sniffles when you're getting a cold. Like I have a little thought I'll go, oh, shoot yourself in the head. Like it literally comes into my head like a sniffle where you're like oh god i'm getting sick again okay i gotta meditate now and then it'll and then i'll be fine like literally it's like that and what is what's before the shoot yourself nothing nothing and that's the that's the problem is like it just is. You know, it can be it can be it maybe it's circumstantial a little bit. Like maybe I'm feeling lonely that day or I didn't get a thing that I wanted or I. But I really do think it's like the weather like I just can't even describe it. I remember Sarah Silverman talking about her depression.

Like it's like just a cloud comes over you and you're just like, oh, well, here it comes. And that's kind of how it feels. And I totally have it under control when I'm meditating every day. I don't get a single one of those thoughts. But if I skip a day, if I don't do TM one day, those thoughts, they come in.

And then if I... If you get into a real bad spot, those thoughts start. And I've never even so much as made an attempt or even planned to make an attempt. Like it's never gotten to that even close to that for me. But I realize that these are the same kind of thoughts that people that end up doing this start with. Like there's some kind of like I I'm people who love me and care about me get so upset when I talk about this but I think that more people struggle with these thoughts than talk about so I I'm eager to share it because I

don't think I'm ever gonna kill myself and I don't think that that's but I think that like a lot of people I'm at risk and I don't think that people talk about that enough that because I do have these thoughts and I go it's not even like I go what can I do talk about that enough. Because I do have these thoughts. And it's not even like I go, what can I do to make myself feel better? Oh, I could kill myself. It literally is like kill yourself. It's like a little voice or something. And I've struggled with mental illness before.

I mean, I had anorexia where it was like, don't eat. And you're like, where's that? Who's that? But it's a voice. Did you have don't eat because you thought you were overweight or don't eat because you thought you'd be more attractive if you looked like a rail? I mean, it starts. Was it vague? Was the direction vague or was it just like an obsession?

It was. It started out like, you know, high school. I should be skinny. Everyone should be skinny. I admire. I like wanted to be famous someday. And I looked at my like I Idolized everyone in the magazines the whole classic thing of like looking literally in magazines I mean I want to look like that

I hate myself pinching my sides being like if I'm not like that then I'm worthless having a mom who constantly hated her body Was skinnier than me and constantly said she was fat and things like that like where you just you have things modeled for you so I grew up thinking skinny equals more lovable. And then I lost weight just because my senior year I lost weight because a boy liked me that I liked who I liked back. And I was like very nervous about it. Like, you know, when you just get nervous, you can't you don't eat that day. And I had a date with this guy. It was my first date ever.

And I just that day I didn't eat because I was just nervous. And then the next day it showed up on me because someone goes, you look great. What's going on? And I was like, oh, I just didn't eat yesterday. Like, I can do that again. So it's basically the same thing as saying you're really funny. You've got a talent for that. You're open to suggestion.

I'm really good. You could join a cult. Dude, I know. I'm scared of it. The thing is, I am open to suggestion. But the thing is, I am good at losing weight. I can stick to a diet, and I can black and white things. I can say, I'm not drinking for seven. I can quit things.

I can quit eating. And I have good willpower. And I learned that, oh, for the first time, I could do this. And so I just stopped eating. And then learned that like, oh, for the first time, like I could do this. And so I just stopped eating. And then for a while you get like super hot. Like I was very popular for a couple weeks. And then for a hot second, I was hot for a second. And then I got so scary skinny.

And then I couldn't stop. You were just like, I go, well, I don't. Everyone's like, hey, you looked great like a week ago. Like right now it's like kind of of concern. And I'm like, well, I don't know what to do because if I eat I'll just get fat again and so I just this is all I know now and then it becomes if you eat you're weak and then it becomes obsessive compulsive and then it's not even about being thin anymore because you look in the mirror and I would look in the mirror and go like you're disgusting like I looked like I I look like

holocaust pictures like that's how bad I. Do you have photos of yourself from back then? Yeah. Do you keep to make sure that you don't ever get back to that spot again? I won't ever get back to that spot again because I'm too vain to do that now. And I know like when I see it coming, it's the same way of like pot. When I see it starting to interfere with my life, I go, okay, you need to stop drinking smoking pot. And when I see myself get too skinny now, I'm like, okay, you need to stop working out.

You're like chaos, but you kind of have a handle on it no I totally have a handle on it I won't ever be anorexic or die of depression like all these things or drink yourself to death no I won't like I'll go a different way but like those things aren't going to get me because they almost got me before I mean anorexia

I should have died I was going to die from it and I planned on dying from it you planned on dying from it you planned on dying from it yeah because joe i was starving it sucks to be starving on doing that yeah because i wanted to die i was like some it was a slow suicide uh 18 jesus 18 19 20 21 i was like i i stopped weighing myself because it was so dangerous to get attached to a number. But the last time I remember weighing myself, I was 98 pounds. That was when I was like admitted to a psych ward when I was 18.

And how tall are you? I'm 5'9". And what do you weigh now? I'm 135 now and I'm skinny now. So yeah, you're not heavy by any stretch of the imagination. So you were 35 pounds lighter than this plus yeah yeah more that's crazy i was so thin i was so like that's crazy everywhere i went people would point and whisper and talk it was one of those things where it was like you know you've seen girls out and about like there's a lady that

used to go to my yoga class that was terrifying yeah she was so scary she looked like i mean she was a small person too she was only like 5'1 or 5'2 and she looked like she probably weighed 80 pounds yeah it was awful it's and that's the way people and i see girls like that now and i i do the same thing that people used to say to me, which is like, just eat a sandwich, bitch. Like, what are you doing? You can't. I know you can't say that, but I don't even relate to the person I was when I wasn't eating. Because the only way I can say is like, I could not eat. I could not do.

It was almost like if you were to like, protein shake. It was like drinking poison. Like, I'm going to die if I drink this. It was that hard to eat. So how did you get out of it? First of all, I was admitted to a hospital because I was going away to school. I lost all this weight in a couple

months. It went away quickly for me and it got scary fast. The school called my parents. My parents were in denial because they didn't want to believe that their daughter was dying. They were concerned, but I was lying to them about oh i'm going out to eat i'm not going to be here for dinner tonight just lying lying lying i went

to the doctor to get a physical because i was going away to school in the fall this was july i went to go get a physical and my pulse i have like a low pulse anyway like what is it brady cardi it's i have i think it's 37 to 42 resting you have an issue what is it called brady it's called bradycardia it's just like a low resting pulse rate i don't know exercise no i exercise a lot but even when i don't exercise a lot i still just have a low do you do a lot of cardio i do a lot of cardio now yeah but i really like this like elite athlete resting heart rate it's like lance armstrong i'm really proud of it, but I do nothing to support it. I run every day, but not enough to boast that.

But it saved my life because I didn't know I had a low pulse rate. But when I went in for this thing, this physical, the doctor clearly could see I was anorexic because they looked at me and weighed me. But they didn't have any kind of data to keep me until they took my pulse. And they were like, if you leave, you're going to die, and you're going to be a liability to us because we know, so you can't leave.

A 5150 or whatever it is where you're committed to a psych ward. So I went in for a checkup, was taken on a golf cart to the other side of the hospital where I was checked into a psych ward. Whoa. And my mom's like, no, she's not. And they're like, yes, she is. And so I was admitted there and I had to stay there for a couple weeks, I think. And then I lied to get out of it because I ate just enough to get out.

And then I went to school. I convinced my parents I was okay to go away to school, which I wasn't. Nearly died there just starving myself and exercising too much. But that is how I got out of it was that. So I wanted to die because I was hungry all the time. Being hungry sucks. And I couldn't eat. I didn't know how to eat.

I didn't even know how to begin to eat. So I was like every night I would just pray that I wouldn't wake up because I would go to bed freezing cold because you have no fat. So you're cold. You have to wake up. I was going to school in Colorado. I was ill prepared for the weather. And also I had no fat on my body. It was an awful existence.

And then I did stand up comedy for the first time because. As an anorexic? Yeah, because when I went to school my freshman year, I was so crazy looking. Like I was, I was like a, I was like the nightmare before Christmas. Jack. Yeah. That is what I looked like.

I was, I look at pictures. I'm like, how did you have friends, bitch? But I did because I became really funny because I wanted people to go look over here. Don't look at me. So I just,

I was a shy kid in high school when I was not anorexic. But then when I needed to make friends, because I went to school alone, I was like, oh, I'll just develop this really over-the-top personality so people don't notice that I'm so thin. So that's when I became funny. Really funny. You know, I was always like dormantly funny. But that's when I became like outwardly funny. People started telling me I should be a comedian my freshman year. I tried it.

I did it one time. And then I was like, oh, I have started telling me I should be a comedian my freshman year. I tried it. I did it one time. And then I was like, oh, I have a reason to live now. Like I have a purpose. And that sounds so stupid, like cliche to say like, oh, it gave me, comedy gave me a reason to live. But it really did because I didn't know what the, I was like, if I'm going to, what am I going to become a teacher? I don't care. I'm not passionate about that. But this, I was like, okay.

So then I was like, I got, I have to gain some weight if I'm going to now have a career. So then I started, I found a therapist. I was like, I got I have to gain some weight if I'm going to now have a career. So then I started I found a therapist. I was like, I got to beat this. I started reading books. I found a therapist and I found this one therapist who told me the thing that really broke through, which was like. When you have anorexia, everyone's like, just eat something. Why don't you eat something? And you feel very in control of it and you feel like you're the one to blame for it because you're the one that's choosing not to eat. And you're the one that's

choosing to exercise. And, and, um, and so I felt all this shame about like, why can't I cure myself? Why am I giving myself this thing that's ruining my life? And then this therapist was like, think of it as like cancer. Like you got, you got sick, like something invaded your life and there is a demon inside you telling you don't eat. And it's not you. It's not you. So don't listen to that voice. And then as soon as I was able to like disassociate my illness from like it's my choice, it's my doing, I'm not eating.

And I was like able to see it as like the exorcist. Like that little girl has like a demon inside her that's like don't eat, bitch. Don't eat. If you eat, you're weak. As soon as I was's like, don't eat, bitch. Don't eat if you eat your week. As soon as I was able to go shut up voice, then I was able to eat again. It was like one nugget of one way of perceiving my illness that was able for me to crack it. And then it took many years to like, and I still struggle with, you know, control issues over food. But I'll never be anorexic again. But yeah, it was that.

It was a mixture of comedy and also therapy that got me out of it. They say that with alcoholics, too, that that's one of the reasons why alcoholics, when they talk about it, they talk about it like it's a disease. And people who aren't alcoholics who are judgmental go, it's not a fucking disease. Cancer is a disease. Leukemia is a disease. You're just weak. But if they treat it like it's a disease, then you can cure it. But if you treat it like you're weak, then you just shit on yourself.

Like, oh, I'm weak. I just want another drink. Like, what is it about me? Why do I need this booze? And there's this weird cycle, this loop that goes on in your brain. You know, like I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink.

Damn it. I drank. I'm never going to drink again. Fuck. I'm drinking again. And then these people that just get completely out of control. One of the ways that helps them is to treat it like it's disease. Yeah.

I think it's, I think it was just a real, a way that I'd never, I had seen so many doctors, but until that one guy told me to think of it, and literally did the thing where he put a chair in the corner of the room and was like, talk to your disease, tell it what it's done to your life. And I go, this is stupid, I'm not doing this.

Fuck you for everything! It took me 30 seconds until I was sobbing, screaming at this empty chair. But it worked. Have you ever talked about this on stage? I was sobbing, screaming at this empty chair. But it, I mean, it worked. Have you ever talked about this on stage? No, it's so weird because I'm still, I feel like I'm still too in it or I don't know. I don't know.

I want to be able to someday. And when I am able to, it'll be like a real huge moment in my career in life. But even me being able to talk about it on podcasts like this or in platforms like this is new to me still. And I've done it before, but I just feel like I still suffer with so many of these things

that I'm like, oh, it's so weird to talk about it. I like to have a little bit more distance. Even though it's been, I'm 34 now and I had an erection when I was 18. I'm like it's still too new but sometimes things it's 16 years seems like a long time i know but it goes by quick happens very quick it's yeah i just like to have i don't know i don't know what it is i just still, I think I'm still so angry about it.

And still, there's still pieces of it that I'm like, how did I get this? And how did I have to save myself instead of someone else coming in and saving me? And why didn't someone intervene before? They can't, though, can they? I mean, now you know. It's kind of, it's very hard for someone to convince someone you need to stop drinking or you need to get your shit together or you need to do this or you need to do that. You need to hit your own bottom. I know.

But, you know, I feel like, yeah, you just – there's still just things about it that are really painful to me and I think that it when I am dealing with something like that on stage I think the pain still shows and I can't be funny with it yet because I'm still so angry I think I'm still just like angry about it because I also feel like I'm still a victim to um body dysmorphia like crazy like that's my new thing where like I'll just see something in the mirror then I'm like well yesterday you felt the opposite like what I'll go from something in the mirror that I'm like, well, yesterday you felt the opposite. Like I'll go from in a 24-hour time frame from being like you're fat. I'll like look in the mirror and be like you're fat. And then the next day I'll be like you're too thin.

And I'm like, well, those two things can't be possible within 24 hours of themselves. So you're crazy. Right. So I mean I'm still dealing with stuff like that. And I want to be on the other side of it and be able to tell girls like you're beautiful and your body doesn't matter and it's what's up here that counts but i don't know i'm not there yet so i don't know how to to to really talk about it well i don't think i don't think there's one way you know i think everybody's got their own weird thing that's causing them to have issues, whether it's to be an alcoholic or to be addicted to whatever you're addicted to.

There's no one. You have to figure out the person and then figure out how this disease or whatever it is, a sort of interface with that person. And what is it that happened to you that made this thing attractive, where it fits into your slots and distracts you from all the things that are freaking you the fuck out about your existence? Yeah. I mean, it is a coping mechanism.

It was so simple that like, oh, when people are anorexic, you tell them this. And then they go, oh, okay. I mean, if there was like a protocol that you could just establish right away, oh, you just got to take these steps and then you'll be fixed. It doesn't work. And they might work for some people. You know what really doesn't help? You know, it doesn't help that it's so prevalent.

Like there's so many people that have issues. And the other way, too. There's people that are bodybuilders that are crazy that can't get big enough. It's the same thing. It is the same thing. Or girls with giant fake boobs that they think they need triple F boobs.

The way people see themselves versus the way other people see them is very strange. You know what I've been watching? The show Botched. Have you ever watched that show?, you know what I've been watching the show botched. Have you ever watched that show? Yeah. I've watched that show. Holy shit.

I mean, that's the same. They don't, they don't, they don't know what they're seeing. They don't see what we're seeing at all. It's crazy. There's this poor lady who was on the other day who,

uh, is getting, uh, she's getting her nose fixed because she had so many surgeries that her nose collapsed and it was just like, Oh Christ. You know? And they, getting her nose fixed because she had so many surgeries that her nose collapsed. And it was just like, oh Christ. And they had to take a chunk out of her rib and they

rebuilt her nose up. It came out great at the end, obviously, which is why they put it on television. But she ain't done. Unless you don't fix inside. You don't think she's done? No way is that bitch done. No way is she done.

Unless you're fixing what's up here that's making you look at yourself in the mirror and go, I'm ugly. And that's what I'm in a mad dash to do, Joe. To fix yourself? Well, just, no. Yeah, to get to love myself enough through therapy, meditation,

just to love myself on the inside enough that I don't, because as I age, as you age, especially in this business, things aren't as good for what, as you age as a woman, things get shittier. Like, you become less valuable to society based on the fact that you're aging. It's just the way. In this business. In this business and in life. Like, I remember the first time, I I remember once I was hanging out in high school with my girlfriends.

And I remember this girl's mom always used to just kind of say things that she envied our youth a lot. And when you're young, you're just like, OK, old lady, what do you know? Just get out of here. What do you do? You're saying these sad things and then just walking out of the room silently. But she would say these things. And one day, the one thing she said really got to me, she was like, you girls are all so young and thin

and beautiful. You know, I remember the last time a man held the door for me. And then she just left the room. And I'm like, oh, there's a day that that just stops? Wow, that's ridiculous. I hold the door for old ladies all the time. That's stupid.

But I think she meant the last time a man who wanted to fuck her. And you know when that's in the air, when there's a door being held for you by a guy who's like, well, I can fuck you. But why is that gender specific? I mean, that's with men as with women. Men too. My dad recently said to me, he was like, women don't even look at me anymore. My dad's like an attractive guy. And he's like, I'm like invisible to women.

And I could see like a sadness in it. And I don't want to, I know that that's, that will happen eventually because that is just the way things go. Once in a while, a guy might be, I'm into older ladies and I'd like to bang her. And I will love that guy so much. And I know those guys are out there. And I hear from those guys a lot when I talk about this stuff. But those guys are sick, just like you were when you were 18 pounds.

I hope they never fix that sickness. Please share it with the world. We need it. Because the old ladies are so needy. Oh, my God. Thank you, son. Thank you. Whatever that is, don't fix that.

We need those guys. don't fix that we need those guys but i i just know that that's that's on the horizon that attention from men and women and just society will start to wane and you'll become more invisible physically to other people and i just hope at that point i don't give a fuck and then i like myself enough and so that's what i'm i'm like running at that trying to like like myself enough on the inside which i really have gotten so far ahead of what i thought i could ever do in terms of loving myself and working on myself and getting sober and all the things but i still feel like it's not enough like i'm still i still deal with insecurities and i'm like god damn it i'm aging and this is this i'm supposed to not feel this i'm supposed to not care that I'm aging as much.

I don't want to be one of these women that's like hates aging. I just don't want to be it. And I'm kind of, well, you have to be very careful in your fear of aging. I don't think about it. Really? No,

I don't tell you don't because you'd seem ageless. Like honestly, someone just said your age. And I was like, I don't even think of Joe as having an age. I honestly don't. Like, you seem like an ageless person to me, and that's because you don't give a shit. And you don't think of it.

I mean, this is going to sound ridiculous, but you have to realize that the entire, your life from birth to death is a blink of an eye. your life from birth to death is a blink of an eye. It is a very short period of time in terms of the entire, the life of the planet, the life of the human race, the life of the universe. It is a blink of an eye. And for you to be, wear blinders and concentrate on one tiny little window of sexual viability. It's preposterous.

It's ridiculous. Because your whole existence is insane. It's so bizarre. Looking at people is bizarre. Like, how the fuck do your eyes work? You're looking through your eyes, and light is refracted through your lenses, and you're corny, and you're seeing things. And I know that if I reach, I can grab this can, and it's right there.

I mean, all of that is bizarre. And so to concentrate on this one thing, when will people stop wanting to stick their dick into me? Like, it's crazy. I hate that I even like. But it's a crazy, it's a perspective issue. Right. Yeah. And I think the wider you get away from that, and one of the best ways to do that is psychedelic drugs.

Psychedelic drugs are one of the very best ways to broaden your perspective because the experience is so titanically alien and so giant and connects you to the entire universe itself that when you come back down to Earth, it seems so preposterous. And then you see this dance that everybody's involved in, you know, with putting on fake butts and fucking getting your lips done and all the chaos that people are doing just to try to attract more sexual attention and knowing that this is such a short period of time. One of the things that freaks me out is what I call monster face. It's when women get their face pulled back so far that their mouth looks like it's bigger because they've been doing this. And so it looks like they can just open their mouth up like venom and fucking get

your whole head in there and chop your fucking head off. It's a sickness. It's so funny because yeah, when you get that stuff done, you end up looking like other people who have had it done. So you get a certain type of face. We all know the face you're describing. Monster face.

Like a deep sea monster, a deep sea fish. Yeah, and then they shoot things into their cheeks to make their cheeks puff up because it eliminates some of the wrinkles, but then it looks like you've been beaten up. Then you just... You literally look like you got fucking stung with a swarm of bees.

It's crazy. And how is that better? Well, it doesn't... It also doesn't work because there's a thing called the Fibonacci sequence. And when you look at a person's face, there's a golden ratio of the nose to the eyes, the chin. And as soon as you fuck with anything, as soon as you switch one of those up, like lips, you're like, hey. Like if you look at, say, like Serena Williams, her lips match her face.

And there's a natural order to that. If you look at Ari Shaffir, his nose matches his chin, matches his face. There's a ratio that it fits in. And when you get a nose job, and you're supposed to have a big nose, people look at you like, what the fuck is going on? If you have a Persian face, a big, robust

Persian face, but you have this little fucking pixie Irish nose, people are like, what the fuck is going on with her face? This is crazy. But Joe, there are so many people that have worked on that you, like we all know bad plastic

surgery, but there's some that's so good and we think of these people as being born that way. Oh, for sure. Like Kylie Jenner. Yes. Yes. That's a perfect one. I mean, girls always bring her up. What about her? What about her? She was a monster. She was a monster. Now she's gorgeous. Yeah, okay.

I mean, there's some stuff that works. But you're so right. Like, I want to talk to you about psychedelics because when did you first do them? When I was 30. When you were 30. Actually, I think I was a little younger. No. Yeah, yeah.

When I was 30, I started smoking pot. And then psychedelics came after that. When I was 30, I started smoking pot and then psychedelics came after that. And did you, I mean, obviously that, that was before the time when people thought psychedelics were a way to like heal yourself. Like, I feel like this is kind of like a new movement that psychedelics are the answer. If you were around the right people back then, you would get that information. Were you around the right people? Is that how you got introduced to them?

Yeah. Yeah. information. Were you around the right people? Is that how you got introduced to them? Yeah, yeah. I was around a lot of, I, because of the fact that I was a comedian and then also because of the fact that, you know, I was relatively famous back then. Not, not famous, famous, but like I was, I was on television. I had done some things. So people would want to turn you on to things. And I would go to parties or meet people. And they would say, hey, man, have you ever done mushrooms? And hey, man, have you ever heard of DMT? And then there's a few different things that would happen. And you would be around these people who had gone to jail for it or that were like real psychedelic heads. And once I was around a few of those i

realized like well there's a whole nother world out there and then i discovered timothy leary and john lilly and the the flotation tank became a giant part of my life and then um you know terence mckenna and dennis mckenna and all the the various psychedelic wizards that are out there that have been sort of expressing that there's a whole world out there that you're not seeing. It's like we're living life inside this very strange tent, this very thin membrane tent. And if you just unzip that tent and step out, the entire wilderness of the universe exists. But most people live their life inside this very thin wall tent. And they think that that tent sort of defines the actual universe itself when it's so small and so limited.

Is there a chance that you open that tent and you don't like what you see and now you've fucked your whole life up? Because I think that's most people's apprehension about sure doing that like specifically can you not come back yes well sid barrett you know there's been a lot of people that were um i mean i have friends that know friends that well the issue is with you know psychosis and people that have uh schizophrenia people that have like legitimate mental that have legitimate mental health issues. And the argument is correlation or causation, right? And the argument is, do psychedelic drugs cause mental illness? Or do a certain amount of people already have mental illness?

And I think it's much more likely that the percentage of people that are schizophrenic remains static. Because if you look at it, the number of people who smoke marijuana who are also schizophrenic mirrors the number of people who are schizophrenic, period. So it's not that marijuana causes schizophrenia. It's one out of 100 or whatever the number is. They just have this issue. And for those people, it's critical that they avoid psychedelic drugs, that they avoid marijuana and probably even alcohol or maybe a bunch of other psychotropic drugs as well because you've got an imbalance, just like someone who has a liver disease has an imbalance, just like someone who has a lung disorder can't breathe well,

someone who has cystic fibrosis or someone who has any number of diseases you got to kind of think of it that way yeah there's an ailment of the mind and so if you add this unknown element to that ailment like five grams of dried mushrooms like whoa who the fuck knows what could happen you might never come back and then there's the question the other part of your question is is it possible you could open that tent and not like what you see and fuck up your life? Yes. Yes. Even if you don't have schizophrenia or a mental disorder, you might have a view of the world that's untenable with the experience that you have under the influence of psychedelics.

But that might mean that your view of the world is bullshit. psychedelics, but that might mean that your view of the world is bullshit. And you've been living your life with this fucking Norman Rockwell nonsense floating around your head because you've been so influenced by media, by songs and by television shows and by, you know, I want to live like the kids on Friends. They don't even live like that. Look at them. They're all fucked up now, you know, for the most part. Jennifer Aniston seems to be not aging.

Yeah, that's... That bitch is insane. That's my girl. I want to be around her. I want to find out what she's doing. What kind of cream are you using? Oh, it's not cream. It's lasers. Whatever the fuck she's doing, it's amazing. She's 150 years old. She looks like she's 12. It's incredible. You would feel bad

if you had sex with her like you're having sex with an 18-year-old. She looks amazing. She literally has an age. She really does. Matthew Perry looks like he's been to hell and back. Like that motherfucker went headfirst into a sandstorm, and he got his face ripped off. Like he's been just doing meth every day and smoking cigarettes, one lighting the other from the time he's awake until the time he goes to sleep.

Oh my God. He looks like total dog shit. And she looks fucking amazing. I know. They worked together. They were both young together. Could they not have shared some skin care? How the fuck?

How the fuck? I mean, that is like a perfect example. It is a perfect example. But even she can't keep it together, right? She's on like some new marriage and i got divorced and it's like there's this chaos to this business and this i know what you were talking about like the look i've talked about this many times in the podcast that this business is nuts because it takes people that are insecure already and then puts them in a

position where they have to get chosen for things so you have to audition and people have to decide whether they like you. Next, Nikki. Okay, Nikki. So what happened to your Comedy Central show? You had a Comedy Central show that didn't work out? It just, you know, it was an internal thing. It wasn't any, it was a good show. And you were on Dancing with the Stars

for a hot minute. Yeah, again, that was just like, there were just... But that guy was really mean to you. What was that all about? Well, I think he, I reminded him of a granddaughter who hadn't called him in a while. There's a lot of British judges

that are such assholes. I don't even know. Anyway. You're right. So, you're reading for Amy, and Amy is an anorexic stand-up comedian who likes to drink and black out. So, right up your alley.

So here we go. And so, and then you do it and you go, okay, well, thanks a lot, Nikki. Good job. Okay. And so you'll call me. Oh. Yeah. No, you'll kind of just watch the show that you're auditioning for and see someone else

in the role. And that's how you'll know. And you scream. So you leave and then you walk out feeling like 100% dog shit. Like you're from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes is just dog shit. And like we do this stuff and you got people commenting on it and tweeting at you and saying mean things. It's like, you're right. It's like, I'm in this business because I'm insecure and I want strangers to love me.

And then I don't even accept the love that they give. I don't care about the tweets that are nice. I reject those, and I think you're crazy. And then I think— Just pay attention to the assholes. Yeah! Which I don't read comments or anything. I've been really good about like self-care of like that's not ever going to bring me

joy is going through the comments of a YouTube video. But still mean things get through. And yeah, you're right. Like I, I'm a really strong person to be where I am in this business and have gotten as far as I've got. But it breaks me at times still. It's a tough business. And I'm scared, but I'm so excited to do psychedelics.

Are you kidding me? Yeah. How excited? Well, I want to do it with a shaman, if you're available. But I want to do it in a really controlled way because I do think it's the next frontier for me in terms of... Because I'm done with therapy, talk therapy. I'm like, this is too slow of a process. Have you ever done any psychedelics?

I did mushrooms once, but it was not a good experience because it was a bad setting. A very small amount. Not enough to really have a good trip. Even though it was a small amount, it was still a bad experience? It was just bad because I was hanging out with two people, a couple that got into a fight while I was with them. And they kicked me out onto the street in New York City. Oh my God. While they were on mushrooms?

They got in a fight on mushrooms? Yeah. It just got kind of tense hanging out with them. We were supposed to just like us three chill on their roof and like look at the skyline and just have a nice night. But then his girlfriend got sick. They were in a weird kind of bickering thing. I was like, I'm going to go. I left.

I had been arrested the night before for smoking weed on the street. So I'd spent six hours in a holding cell the night before, but I had planned to do mushrooms the day after. And the guy was like, you should still do them. We'll celebrate you getting out of jail. And I was like, okay. So I did mushrooms. I was broke.

I had just been arrested. I, um, and I was on the street and I remember I called my parents cause I was broke. I had just been arrested. Oh, my God. And I was on the street. And I remember I called my parents because I just felt like the way that smoking weed is portrayed in movies where it's like, whoa, things coming at you. Like, you know, that's the way I felt on mushrooms. Like, I don't know if that's the normal way, but, like, I felt like everyone was just, like, in my face. I called my mom and I go, mom, I'm on mushrooms right now. I'm on the Upper East Side.

I'm just trying to get to my friend Mike's house. And she goes, who do you think you're talking to? You don't call your mom and say you're on mushrooms. Like she was like for once in her life she had boundaries. And she goes, talk to your father. And so then I talked to my dad and I was like, I'm on mushrooms and I don't know. And he kind of talked me down. But I just went home and chugged a bottle of wine because I was like I want to be I want to feel something else other than this because I felt

too much I felt a lot of love and that scared me but this was before I quit drinking I felt a lot of love and that scared you yeah I was like calling my friends being like I love you like in a way that I had never felt before and I was like I don't like this feeling chug chug chug I don't know why did you not well maybe it was because you were alone I think it was I was like, I don't like this feeling. Chug, chug, chug. I don't know. Maybe it was because you were alone. I was going through a lot of things. I think I was bulimic at that time too.

This was not a good time in my life to be doing psychedelics. Now, I think I've read enough about them and I'm like, you know, there are soldiers that have PTSD that go through talk therapy for years and have minimal amounts of progress. And then they do one thing of DMT and they're like, I'm good. Like there's something there.

I can't wait for whatever that is. I want to do ayahuasca. I want to do DMT. I want to open up those doors. MDMA is great for soldiers, too. MAPS is doing some really serious trials right now with MDMA-assisted therapy. So they're taking people with PTSD, whether it's soldiers, victims of violence, and they're taking them through MDMA assisted therapy and they're having some pretty dramatic results.

I think it is like the next big, I'm so excited about it for certain people and myself. Like I just. Have you done MDMA? Have you done ecstasy? No. No? I only did it once and the rebound the next day was horrific for me. That was one of the worst hangovers I've ever had.

Like it wasn't just a hangover. It was a, I was, I felt really stupid. Like I couldn't read. Like I was trying to read a magazine the next day. I couldn't read. And then I had to perform that night and I kind of ate shit on stage. And, um, but I'll never forget the lessons from the experience. It was really powerful. Like, uh, it really illuminated how really illuminated how much insecurity hinders you and inhibits your ability to communicate with people and flavors how you interact with people and how much of, you know, my own aggression and the way I would interact with people was basically just me being scared. Like what? I want to know what Joe Rogan was before psychedelics.

What are the things that you socially, the hurdles that you've overcome? What were you like? What were the things that you're like, oh my God, I can't believe I was like that. I'm dying to know this. Well, you know, when I was young, I was super insecure. My parents split up when I was really young and then we moved around a lot. So I didn't have like a base of friends. And then I found martial arts when I was really young and then we moved around a lot. So I didn't have like a base of friends. And then I found martial arts when I was a young teenager. And what martial arts did was it gave me something that I finally felt like I wasn't a loser at. It was like the

first thing that I ever did where I was like, oh, I'm good at something. I can be really good at something. And I got good at it really quickly because I was obsessed. I was completely addicted and I was training every day. And it became my identity. So my identity was that I was really good at martial arts. And so to be really good at martial arts, especially in competition, you have to be, you have to be very aggressive. You have to be ruthless and you have to be, there's, there's like, you have to be ruthless and you have to be there's there's like you have to embrace um this sort of the there's there's an undeniable violence in kicking someone in the head i mean it's very violent like martial arts competition is extremely violent and you have to be able to embrace that and the embracing of that and the terror and the fear of it all just – it shaped my developmental period.

So like when I was 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, that was my whole life. That was all I did until I started doing stand-up comedy. So my entire formative period was based on violence. It was all – I violence it was it was all it was all i mean it was it was martial arts it was very controlled well i wasn't like a a bad person who was like beating people up or anything like that but my i was ready to go all the time like it was all it was always any at around any corner there might be something the next person might say the wrong thing and you might realize you're going to have to fight them or whatever, whatever it was. And that took a long time to let go.

That took a long time to like shake off. Were you easily angered? Would you get into fights? No, I didn't really get it. I was smart. Like I will avoid fights. But you were tense. You were anxious constantly.

Well, my personality developed through violence. I mean, really. Developed through martial arts competition. From the time I was 15 to the time I was 21, I traveled the entire country. All I did was fight in tournaments. I fought all the time. I fought, like, I don't know how many times. Did you have girlfriends?

Like, I mean, you were upset. You were like an Olympic athlete. You were an elite athlete at 15. Did you, what was your social life like? I wasn't elite at 15, but by the time I was 17, I was, when I was 18, I won the state championship. Well, but to get to that point at 18, you were practicing like an elite athlete. It wasn't good. Yeah, I was going to say.

It had to have just been. Yeah, it was awkward and weird, you know? What were you like with girls and stuff early on? Did you do okay? Yeah, I did all right. I mean, you know, high school. I had girlfriends in high school. And then there was a dry period after high school for sure.

And then once I started doing stand-up comedy, then it was easy. Then it was a wet period. Then it was crazy. Then it's like, whoa. I know. It's like. That is nuts. But yeah, my life was all about competing and being in the gym.

So there wasn't like a lot of time to meet people. No. You know, it was all very strange. But there's this getting over that hurdle of that bizarre childhood. Was there a moment, though, when you came out of a trip or was there like a nugget that you took where you were like, oh, this is bullshit? Was there a certain trip that you looked to

and you're like, I emerged a different person? Every single one of them. Really? Every single one of them highlighted unnecessary tension, highlighted, you know, like... What was the last one? What did you learn in the last trip you had? The last one I What did you learn in the last trip you had? The last one I

had was basically it was almost a reaffirmation more than anything it was like oh I remember this like I hadn't done it in about a year and a half to two years and then we all

we did DMT three or four times we did like a trip and then we went back in and went back in again i can't remember it's three or four times but it was it it just made me realize like oh yeah okay this this is just the the world that you're living in is like a thin veneer over this gigantic, impossible realm of souls and of love and expectation and understanding and information. And that that's what the universe is made of. And that you're sort of trapped in this very strange, rudimentary, tactile existence where you can pick things up and put them on scales

and you can measure things with a ruler, but the rest of the universe is not made of that stuff. The rest of the universe is made out of ideas. The rest of the universe is made out of thoughts and there's dimensions that you can't travel to with your feet and with a car and with a plane. There's portals that you go through, and these portals are chemical portals,

and your brain literally is wired for these. Not only that, your brain produces dimethyltryptamine, which is the most potent of all psychedelics. It's literally made by the human body, and it's everywhere. It's in all sorts of plants, thousands of plants. It's in every animal. It's like all these different creatures create it and they have it. I mean, it's actually made by your third eye.

They're pretty sure. You know, there's a group out of New Mexico called the Cottonwood Research Foundation. And they're doing these tests on all sorts of tests to find out the source of DMT. And they've isolated it in the pineal gland of rats. And this is the first time they've ever shown it in a live rat that it exists in the pineal gland. The pineal gland is literally your third eye. Like that thing from Eastern mysticism, like this right here, this little eye right here. And a reptile, it actually has a retina and a lens.

It's an eyeball and this is the in the the egyptians would call it the seed of the soul and this one spot in your head is producing the most potent psychedelic chemical known to man as well as it's produced by your liver and your lungs like your body's a psychedelic chemical factory and this one psychedelic chemical they believe and there's been some recent research. There was a recent paper that was put out that showed that they think that during periods of extreme stress, like with periods if your body is convinced that you might be dying or that there's something happening, that you may be releasing this psychedelic chemical. So it might be the portal to the afterlife. releasing this psychedelic chemical. So it might be the portal to the afterlife. Like it might be the way that carries your consciousness through to the next dimension when your body passes. Whoa. And it leaks when you're in distress because it feels like it's getting ready to

dump it. Yeah. Your body's like, this might be it. This might be it. Here we go. Let's, they think that's the source of near death experiences. When people have these phenomenal, loving experiences where they cross over to the other side, then they come back. And they think that this – and the way people describe it, that's another issue with psychedelic drugs. It's impossible to describe. So when you describe it, it's so crude. The way I've described it is I say it's – you enter into another dimension filled with complex geometric patterns that are made out of love and understanding that's what it's but it's but still that's a bunch of words it's like a nonsense thing to describe but when you you talk to these people

that have had near-death experiences they all feel relieved in some sort of a strange way they all feel like or a lot of them do I should say that, that when it does happen, if it does happen, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Like there's a thing that happens and then you go to this other place where there's no shoes, there's no tables, there's no electricity. Like your aunt's house. But it's made out of whatever the fuck the world's made out of. It's made out of whatever the universe actually has below the wiring. Like you lift up the circuit board and you're like, Whoa, you peer behind the green curtain. So at this point for you, when you, when you did it the last time, it was almost like a

tune up of like, Oh yeah, I remember now I've seen this before and I needed to be reminded. But then how does that, sorry if I'm asking questions that you've probably already answered, but like, how does the next week of your life after a trip of this, how does your decision making change? That's up to you, right? That's up to you. That's up to everyone. With everyone, it's different. I mean, for me, it was like a big deep breath and it was like, oh, it's going to be okay.

The last time I did a real serious psychedelic trip i've done a little bit of acid a little bit of mushrooms but the last time a serious one was right before i filmed triggered and uh it's just um it just it just lets you know like um you know just just do your best try to be nice and this is nonsense this whole thing is nonsense you know don't concentrate on the fact that in 20 years No one's gonna want to fuck you or you know that your your tits are gonna fall off or just you're alive right now You're you are existing right now in the one of the craziest experiences that the world has ever known Being a human being in 2018 in the United States of America. I mean, this is a fucking bizarre pathway you're on.

All of us, every single person listening to this, if you can listen to this podcast, you are in the rarest moment in human history. You are literally at the cusp, the very peak of this insane merging of technology, of information, of understanding, of expression, all the stuff that you see. Abundance. All the stuff that we're seeing going on right now socially, whether it's the Me Too movement or whether it is, you know, social justice warriors and people who are woke and crying out racism. all this bubbling up of our culture is all this recognition of this ability to communicate, this radical new ability to express your ideas that is being done by some people that are irresponsible, some people that are very responsible, but everyone gets a shot.

And it's just like YouTube comments. It's fucking chaos. It's so chaos. Our culture is YouTube comments. Our culture is YouTube comments. The world is YouTube comments. Our interaction is this unique ability where anybody can express themselves. And some people have larger signals like you or like Ari Shaffir or like, you know, fill in the blank. Anybody who has a podcast, they have a larger signal.

And, you know, you have a YouTube video that's a larger signal. You have a Comedy Central show that's a larger signal. But everyone has a podcast, they have a larger signal. And you have a YouTube video, that's a larger signal. You have a Comedy Central show, that's a larger signal. But everyone has a signal. And everyone's fighting for relevance. And everyone's fighting for attention and acceptance. And they're fighting for their own significance. They just want to exist. And they're yelling out.

And sometimes they're yelling out like a baby. And sometimes they're yelling out like a wise person on the mountain who has some new information and it's all happening at the same time and it's all just and and we're sorting it out like in some things don't stick like this whole if you're having sex and you're drinking you're a rapist like that didn't stick but some of them do stick some of them you can't say retard anymore that one's sticking right like and people are realizing there's certain things that you can do and certain things you can't do certain Certain things we accept, certain things we can't accept anymore. And we're figuring it out. And we're figuring it out in real time, at a radical pace that's never existed before in human history, where something that was acceptable just 10, 15 years ago is completely unacceptable now. There's never been a time like that before.

Never been a time in the entire world since people started talking. There's never been a time like that before. Never been a time in the entire world since people started talking. There's never been a time where change is taking place at such a radical pace. And you're a part of it. And I'm a part of it. And everyone who's listening to this is a part of it. We're all together in this. And no one knows where the fuck it's going. I love that you're saying that the reason all this is happening right now

is because we are now we're just communicating at a more rapid pace that's all it boils down to you're absolutely right that's the whole thing it's a communication revolution yeah

yeah and so if someone says you know you know hey you said it doesn't make sense like yeah yeah for sure no one's gonna get it right

no one's gonna get it right all the time like no one just no I'm not an oracle. I'm a fucking human. I was born in New Jersey. No one's getting this right.

But you are being held to that standard. We all are now. You say something. There's good to that, too. The good is you realize you're responsible. If you make a mistake or you say something incorrect or you say something mean, you were just trying to be funny, it came out bad. The blowback lets you know this is how people feel about that. And it's disproportionate because your signal is disproportionate.

Your ability to express yourself is disproportionate. Yes. So the blowback is going to be disproportionate as well. So it feels awful. But that's just an affirmation, just letting you know, okay, this is not what – and sometimes people are completely wrong about, like, you know, white girls can't wear hoop earrings. It's cultural appropriation.

There's bad signals out there. There's a lot of bad signals, you know, where you're racist if you wear a kimono. There's a lot of really dumb, bad signals. But there's also a lot of exchange, and it'll all work itself out. We just have to be really careful we don't lynch a lot of people along the way. Like that we don't get convinced that our ideas are 100% the way things should be. And that we listen to all these various ideas, whether it's ideas about trans people or gay people or women or men or anybody.

You know, like it's like it's super important now that people think before they act and that they think before they cast judgment that we have to communicate because there's things are fucking flying at us like fish coming down a river and you're trying to catch them with your hands. And there's just too many of them. Do you, I mean, you're broadcasting every single day for hours. Do you say things sometimes that come back? I mean, I know you say things that come back to haunt you.

You said this and that was wrong that you said that. And this is why you're wrong. Do you, do you ever catch yourself and go, oh yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Definitely. All the time. What do you do with that? Like that's my, whoops, I made a mistake. I misspoke. Right. I'm not this. I was. Yeah. I Definitely. All the time. What do you do with that? Like that's my. You go, whoops. Whoops. I made a mistake. I misspoke.

Right. I'm not this. I was. Yeah. I'm not an oracle. If you keep talking, people go, oh, I get it. Nikki's just a person. That says dumb things sometimes.

Yeah. Well, you don't mean to say dumb things, but you're like being a human being is just a flawed exercise. Yeah. Like we're super flawed and we're working with language, which is like a really awkward way to express intent. You know, it's awkward.

There's just, sometimes the right... It is. Yeah, sometimes the right word's not there for you and you use a lot of likes and ums. So it's like, like,

like, and people are like, like what? And people are listening, they're on the fucking stair climber and they go, you shut the fuck up. You talk too much. You complain too much. And you know, their signal are like, like what? And people are listening. They're on the fucking stair climber. And they go, you shut the fuck up. You talk too much.

You complain too much. And, you know, their signal, like they're mad that they don't have a signal. So they're fucking screaming at you for your flawed signal. You have a responsibility. You know, there's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. There is. Yeah, I mean, and I have a radio show every day that I do.

And I podcast. And even sitting here here now I'm like oh what am I going to regret saying and I've just gotten to a point where it's like I will apologize if I say something stupid and wrong and it offends someone and I really feel bad about it but like I have to just lead from a place of like I at this point in my life I know I'm a good person I don't think I'm

a secret psychopath which I think a lot of us are always like am I a bad person deep down? Do you ever have that feeling? Did you used to have that feeling? Oh, yeah. Where you're like, people are going to figure out that I'm a fucking psychopath. You know what? I used to really wish that I was like Tony Danza.

Because Tony Danza was always smiling and he was always nice to people. I was like, I want to kill everybody. And Tony Danza was like, oh, so nice and smiley. I just want to fucking smash people. And Tony Danza just seems like such a nice guy. Like, God, I wish I was like Tony Danza. I used to think that when I was like 19 years old. I totally relate to that.

I see people and I go, why can't I just be like her? Why can't I just be smiley and friendly? And say funny, nice things that don't offend anyone. But also everyone likes what you say., nice things that don't offend anyone. Always have the right thing to say. But also everyone likes what you say and it still gets people jazzed up, but you're not offending anyone. It doesn't feel good to offend people. And I say things all the time that do. And I'm not going to stop because I just, I can't.

But you're offending people, but also making a large amount laugh. I know. See, the problem is if you have 100 people in the room and 10 of them get offended, 90 of them are fucking slapping the table and laughing their ass off. You got to accept that. Yeah. That's just part of the game. I know.

That's part of the game you and I play. We play a strange game. We're in one of the weirdest businesses ever. We're in the business of talking shit. We're shit talkers. I love it. I love it. I love talking shit.

It's the greatest job. And I can't stop like do you get in do you get in trouble talking shit like do you feel because i feel like sometimes when i talk shit about people it's obviously i'm just i'm talking about myself and i'm i'm just projecting like oh she's you know and i'm really talking shit backstage where i don't think that anyone will ever tell this to anyone. Right. It's supposed to be not a good thing to do is talk shit. That's not healthy for you. It depends on what.

But I love it. It's fun. It's a hobby. It's fun. You're making fun of things. Yes. But look, you're making fun of things and it makes sense. If you're talking shit and it doesn't make any sense, then no one wants to talk shit with you.

But if you go to Nikki and Nikki says some hilarious shit that's, oh, you're so true. It's all right. That's fun. And when you both hate someone together and you get to send each other their snap screenshots of their Instagram and be like, look how sad this bitch is. When really I'm just seeing myself in her. Sometimes. You're seeing oftentimes what you absolutely hope you never are.

Yes. But that you fear that you are. Yes. And you think you might be. So it's me hating a tiny piece of myself that I'm trying so hard to keep at bay of being that transparent or sad. Yeah. You're hating human behavior that's flawed. That's what you're hating.

Yeah, because I don't want to be flawed and I secretly feel I'm flawed because I am flawed because we all are. Yeah, because I don't want to be flawed and I secretly feel I'm flawed because I am flawed because we all are. But it's part of it. It's also a way to reinforce that you're never going to do that again by talking shit about people that are doing ridiculous things. Hold yourself accountable because then you can't talk shit if you do it. So it keeps you in check. That's a really good point. So it's good to do. Yeah.

There's some group text messages that I'm a part of. I know what you mean. Oh, my God. Where you only talk about one person in them. We only go to that mass text to talk shit about that one person. Oh, have you ever talked, have you ever sent a text to someone that you were talking shit, like shit about to the person?

No, but it happened. There are stories of people sending like this one girl the other day told me like in a makeup chair, she was like, oh, I once sent someone a text about someone at work that we are currently working with that was like, blah, blah, blah is a fat piece of shit today. Can't believe she would wear that dress. Like that's specific. And she sent it to the person. And she was working with her and had to work with her the rest of the day. It happens all the time.

It happens all the time. It happens all the time. Just slipped up, sent it to the wrong person. I'm just telling you, Joe, be careful. Because we're all capable of when you write that name, when you're writing a name in a text, it's so easy to just, that person is probably in your phone, too, to send it to them.

Yeah, it's totally possible. But yeah, I love talking shit. I think that is a thing comics have in common. And you know what I accept? Also, we like making fun of things. Is that I'm getting shit talked about me. Because it has to happen. If I'm talking this much shit, people are talking shit about me, and I accept it, and it's fine.

I don't want to ever know. I hate when people go, oh, you know what someone was talking about you. I go, why would you tell me that? Right. Be nice. If you overhear something, keep that in that thing. Well, unless that person's like a really good friend and then you find out that they're backstabbing you you want to know

that yeah yeah you want yeah you want to know that they're saying things to a guy you're dating oh yeah oh if or that oh god that's the dirtiest of dirty when you find out for a guy when you find out that a friend of yours is talking shit about you to a girl you're dating, you're like, whoa. Oh, and that happens a lot because guys, I've had that happen to me with guys where it's like, watch out for this guy. I'm like, aren't you best friends? That's a dirty man. That's a bad person. Yeah.

Yeah. Me and my friends, we have a very strict policy of what we call jihadding which means like if you're around a girl that the guy likes you blow him up to her you say oh he's the best guy's awesome i love that guy as long as he is and if he's not you shouldn't be friends with him anyway but as long as he is you let him know like you know fill in the blank mike is just a fucking phenomenal guy he's he's such a good dude all the time. He loves you too. Says great things about you. I'm already into this guy that you're talking about in this example. I'm like, who is this? I'm like, dude, when I was around, whatever,

Shelly, I was like, boom, blew you up. That's what we call it. We call it jihadding. My friend Eddie Bravo came up with that term because I would do that. He goes, dude, you totally jihaded me for that girl. Yes. That's what we do. You just blow you up. Let everybody know. Guy's awesome.

He's the best. Yep. I do that a lot. It feels good, too. It feels the opposite of talking shit. If you're not lying, yeah. It makes up for it. As long as you're not lying.

As long as you're not lying. I love that. Yeah. But it's hard. You know, the petty instinct is to talk shit. That's the petty instinct. And some people deserve it. And some people don't.

You know, there's different motivations, right? Like sometimes you're talking shit because you're really jealous of someone. You're jealous of their effort, their work ethic, their success, the way they look. Fill in the blank. You're jealous of something about them. That's generally for me what it is at the root of it, if I'm going to be honest. I recently got busted talking shit about someone. And I told, and she, it got back to me from another friend.

And I wrote the girl and I go, I'm just jealous of you. You're cool. And you're who I want to be. And I want to be friends with you. And you didn't seem to want to be friends with me. So I decided I hated you and that you weren't to be trusted. And I told people that. And it wasn't true. It completely wasn't true. I was I hated you and that you weren't to be trusted and I told people that and it wasn't true. It completely

wasn't true. I was threatened by you and you're hot and I don't like that you exist in the same business as me and it makes me jealous. And what did she say? And she said I totally get that and I at first she goes at first she just thumbs down my apology which I love and then I was like we're gonna be

good. But I love a good, I love apologizing. I love like admitting then I was like, we're going to be good. But I, I love a good, I love apologizing. I love like admitting when I've been jealous or petty and I will continue to do so. But if I'm caught like, yeah, I'm just, I can be so, I,

I, it got back to me that I said about this girl that she shouldn't be trusted. And I go, I don't even know why I would say that about her. I have no evidence to back that up equals. I was just petty and jealous in that moment. So I wrote her and was like, dude, I don't know what was going through my mind that week, but yeah,

I did say that about you. It's a standard instinct. It's a standard emotion. It's so common. And as a woman in this business, I support women so much, but I'm aware of every woman

who is doing the same thing I'm doing. I'm aware who are the up-and-comers, and I take them under my wing, and I build them up, but I'm aware. There's a part of me that's like... What was that big, crazy, deep breath? That was me seeing a headline of them on Deadline.

That they're doing good? Yeah. That they have a new show? I know that it's good for all of us. What if they have a new show and it's in the slot that your show was in? You know what it is? I literally have to unfollow girls sometimes who I'm friends with, who are comedians, who are my peers and who I respect and think they're funny. I have to unfollow them if I see that they're just like, I'm working a lot right now.

And they're putting it out there that they're like really busy with work. And I just got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. I have to unfollow them. Why? Because I start to feel sad about myself. And I would rather just remove that from my feed. And then it's a really awkward follow when I know, or they message me on one of those things, and they see I'm not following them, because it's like, we all know we follow each other.

They know. And sometimes I'll just tell them, I unfollowed you because you make me feel sad about my own career. Yeah, but you've got to get over that. It's easier to just take them out of my feed. Yeah, but that's a weird one. I am working to get over it. You should wrestle with that. I am. Yeah, but you gotta get over that. It's easier to just take them out of my feed. Yeah, but that's a weird one. I am working to get over it. You should wrestle with that. I am.

Yeah, you should just use it as inspiration. Use them as fuel to work harder. Yeah, I do, but I would also like to not see their tour date schedule. That's so crazy. It's crazy. You gotta let that one go. That's not a good one to accept. I don't think. You gotta let that one go. That's not a good one to accept. I don't think.

You know what? I'm probably gonna unfollow all you guys with your workouts and your calorie counts that you post. People got mad because I posted them a couple times. But I didn't even post the big one. I didn't. That's triggering as fuck to people who are like, you know, hate their bodies and stuff. It can be very triggering.

When I see girls that are like, I just ran a marathon. I'm like, unfollow. I can't have you in my life bragging about this shit. Listen, I go to the gym too and I don't tweet about it. I want to. God damn, I want to. I just burned so many calories but I don't tweet about it because

I don't want to trigger people and I don't want to be what I am so jealous of. But I should brag about it. And I also like that some people are like, look at what I just did at the gym. Fuck you. I worked today. Yeah. And they're proud of themselves, but I can't. See, I get inspired.

Okay. Like, you know who I go to all the time for inspiration? The Rock. Yeah. That motherfucker never stops. He never stops. okay like you know who i go to like all the time for inspiration the rock yeah that motherfucker never stops he never stops i mean i don't want to do what he's doing i don't want to do these movies i don't want to do what he's doing but that i fucking admire the shit out of that guy's work ethic that guy will fly to tokyo it'll be four o'clock in the morning he sets up an elliptical

machine starts going after it that's what he does and that doesn't make that doesn't put you in a place of like i'm'm never, I can't do that. But the thing is, Joe Rogan, you can do that. Look at that. Look at all his food. And he gets to do that because he said Oh, God. He landed in London midnight, ordered sushi like a motherfucker. Go to his

Instagram with all the workout ones. You are the rock, Joe. You are the rock. You do these workouts all the time. But that's how you get that. I know. Look at that shirt. That's what I'm saying, rock.

That's you, Joe. You tell them. Get after it. I got a text today from David Goggins. And I told David Goggins I'm trying to beat everyone by double. He's like, fuck yeah! Kill it! Like 100 capital, 100 exclamation points.

That's what I'm saying. Look at that dude. Focused! I see that. I want to go work out right now. Are you insecure about anything right now in your life? Well, people are always insecure. You're a human being.

Yeah, I want to know. I mean, it's not something that's like, well, I'm always insecure about anything right now in your life? Well, people are always insecure. You're a human being. Yeah, I want to know. I mean, it's not something that's like, well, I'm always insecure about my act. I'm always working on it. Okay. You know, I'm always like trying to pick it apart and look at it like someone who hates it. Yeah. I'm always trying to like, hmm, where's the flaws?

You know, I'm always trying to like. I heard you talking about that the other day of like now that you've done your special and it's out and like watching it now, you come up new tags oh god always always but that's so because you're always growing and learning and getting better and and i think comedy is like a living thing it's like it's alive you keep watering and it keeps growing you know and sometimes you have to trim things to make it better just like a bush you know you trim a little here trim a little there it gets fuller you know there's but then also it grows and gets bigger.

But then you've got to release it at a certain point in time. My schedule seems to be two years. It seems to be I develop a full solid hour in a year and then I hammer that motherfucker like a samurai sword

for the next eight months and then I film it and then four months later it airs and then I start from scratch. Is that Kardashian bit in the new special that's in the last one that's in the last one that's in triggered that one was so I've seen you that your stuff is but how do you write like do you do you literally write right or I write right yeah I'll show you how right I use um one of the things that I use I've been using over the last couple of years,

I always write like in Microsoft Word and shit like that, but I use this program called Scrivener that I really like. And the reason why I really like it, especially when I'm doing new stuff, is the way it's set up. Like if you, what is this? Oh, wait. I know the bit that is in the new one that I love.

Which one? That you've just done, the women inventing things. Oh. Oh my wait. I know the bit that is in the new one that I love. That you've just done. The women inventing things. Oh, my God. That bit. I saw that grow. That was a devastating bit. Because the first time I saw it, it was like already like one of those bits where you as a comedian, you watch and you just go, what am I doing?

One of those, you know, we've all we've all been in the back of the room going, what am I doing if that's what's happening? And then that was like early stages of that bit. And then it became something so much more. I haven't seen your special yet. I'm excited to see where it landed. But that's an incredible bit. Thank you. But where does that start for you?

Here. So this is with this Scrivener. If you see here, like all on this, this is all my new stuff. So these are all the categories. And I click on each category. And when I go to each category, I have all the material that I've written out about each category. All I just saw in caps was, it's not cool to kick robots. That's already such a funny line.

Do you know what that's about? PETA. PETA released a statement because Boston Dynamics has created these robots that are self-balancing. So they have like a gyroscope in them. So these scientists were kicking these robots, these four-legged robots. And PETA released a statement saying that it's not cool to kick robots. No, they didn't. And I'm like, yes, they did.

I'm like, you fucking weak pussies. This is going to be problem number one when the robots take over. Do this. No one's going to be kicking them. They're going to open up the door. Like, you know, robots are alive, and they're sentient, and you can't kick them. You know, they're going to eat your family, you fuck. And at the same point in time, you know, they're coming up with these, you know, more and more advanced artificial intelligence.

So this is how I write. Okay. So this is how I write. Okay. So this is essentially stage two. So stage one is I do everything in Microsoft Word. So this is in Microsoft Word. All of these are – And it's just like you just loose thoughts. You're not really editing as you go.

Exactly. So like this – which one is this? This one is – This is a lot yeah right you gotta write this is how i think yeah i think i think you got to do two things you got to ad lib you got to do it on stage you got to work things out on stage but i think you're foolish to not write as well because i think there's so much to be gained by sitting in front of a computer working on your act that's one step another step

is you have to review your act you have to listen to it or watch it preferably watch it like i learned a lot watching the editing when i was editing the special and i had a snip i decided i wanted it to be an hour and my set was like an hour and 17 minutes so i said let me just cut just i just wanted to just fucking boom just just one hour, boom, and done. So I cut a couple of bits out. But when I did that, I was like watching the video. I was like, you know what? I should really videotape everything.

I should watch a video because it's so much more immersive than just audio. You only get so much out of audio. I kind of know my expressions and all the different things that I'm doing. But when I see them, I go, oh, it's better if I move like this, or it's better if I pause there. It's better if I raise my eyebrows. It's better if I look concerned.

You don't realize how much of comedy is the physical thing until you do watch it. You're so right. And you're right about writing it down. Anytime I've had to do a transcript because I don't write anything down longhand, but when I've had to do a transcript, because I don't write anything down longhand, but when I've had to do a transcript for a Tonight Show or like Just for Laughs festival and see it, then you start writing new tags and you're like, all this took was for me to write it out.

But then what do you do for Microsoft Word? Then you take it to... Then I take it to that Scrivener. And then what do you do there? I take the stuff from Microsoft Word and then I trim it down. And when I trim it down, I put it in Scrivener. And when I trim it down and put it in Scrivener, what I'm essentially doing is saying, okay, this is ready to play. And then.

What does Scrivener do? Oh, shit. I left my fucking notebook in the hotel room. God damn it. Oh, damn. Someone's going to freak out. So then from there, I write things out on an actual notebook. And the actual notebook is basically just to get my set list in order and to make sure I highlight all the different tags.

So there's three stages. There's the Microsoft Word stage, which is basically just free form, free association, writing things down. There's no structure to it. Sometimes it comes out like a bit. Sometimes it's just nonsense that never goes anywhere. You needed to get out anyway so you could get to other stuff. Yeah. Like purging.

Well, I don't know if you need it, but it's like there's a road to get onto. And as you're on that road, all of a sudden you're like, oh, look, I found a bag of gold. And you don't find that bag of gold if you stay home. You've got to walk. You've got to get out there. And that's what the writing does. What the writing does is it allows you to pick up these little bags of gold along the way. And then I take these little bags of gold and I pile them up

and then I throw them into the fortress. And the fortress is like Scrivener. So then I can move those bits around. What does Scrivener do? Why is that different than Microsoft Word? Well, the reason why it's different is because it's set up in columns, right? So you see how and it's also has cork boards see Jamie's got it up on the big screen so in the court boards see how it's set up right here like

Each one of these things if you go to the left side here each one of these categories I can move and I can change. I can have that bit in the beginning. Oh, this is awesome. And then once I'm in the bit, I can also go to this and that sets me up with a cork board. So I can have like I could set up little note like little set list. Well, like that, like up there, little notepad things. So I could write down these on these index cards like, don't forget this, or this is important here, or this tagline is huge.

Try switching this around. And it's just this constant. But are you already like this? Are you already this kind of an organized person? Have you always been this way? No. Or did you get? No, this is a discipline thing.

I want to get like that. If you can teach yourself to be like that, because i just feel like some people are made that way this is not me no no i'm not like this at all this is but i look at your backpack you just brought out and every pocket has a thing and a pen as a place i just cleaned it up no you're like that no no if you caught that three days ago those fucking wires are coming out. What's your car like? Chaos. Really? You got a messy car? Really?

Yeah. Oh, that makes me and so many people listening feel so good right now. I clean it up a lot, but a lot of times- What's your house like? I mean, I know you probably have people come in and clean, but if you're in a hotel room over the weekend and don't have a maid service, what are we looking at? Chaos. Everything's spread out all over the place.

Socks. Your suitcase isn't neat. No, I throw that bitch. I throw it. I love doing this. It hits the ground. Yeah. But when I'm in a room, like a hotel room, it's basically like battle camp.

I'm ready to roll. I don't care what it looks like. I'm here. I want a clear path to the shower. I have a desk. As soon as I get into the hotel room, I set the computer down on the desk. I plug it in, get connected to the Wi-Fi.

It depends on how long I'm there for, what I'm going to do. Then I get to work. If I'm there, I'm there to work. I set everything up. You don't spend time folding shirts and socks and put different things in compartments. You're not. I don't fold shit. And put different things in compartments.

You're not. I don't fold shit. I also buy these shirts. There's a company that I work with called Mizzen and Main. And they make these shirts that are like super flexy. I don't know if you've ever seen me wear these shirts on stage. I wore it on my last special. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.

And I wore it on this special. They're like pajamas. You pull on them and they have a flex to them. So they don't feel like anything and they never get wrinkly oh so i could roll that bitch up in a ball throw it into that suitcase and then pull it out and wear it and you would never know efficient yeah but it's just they're the best to wear because when you're on stage they don't feel like anything they feel like you're wearing nothing what is this again mizzen and main is the name of the company do they make women's stuff that's a good question i do not know find out so i wear them and i wear these jeans that have like flex to them so the jeans are like pajamas too like

the jeans they're literally like sweatpants like you pull them they snap so they don't get wrinkly either and what's your like like your skin care regimen? Do you spend a lot of time on that stuff? Like before you go to bed are you washing your face? Are you applying oils and creams? I mean I wash my face. Yeah. But you don't spend a lot of time, you don't waste a lot of time

doing stuff that doesn't you're very utilitarian but like not I'm not getting Botox. If that's you mean I'm a man. No, I don't think I definitely don't think you'd like, look like your best self.

Like I'm saying, like you literally seem ageless to me. I don't understand you. Like, but I, it is interesting to me because I would have thought you were very meticulous with like organization and wasted a lot of time organizing things. And I like that you don't. No,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's Kate. I think you have to have both. There has to be, look, if you're a comic, right, if you're good, especially, I think there's a certain amount of you that has to be impulsive.

It has to be reckless and impulsive and you have to be like one move away from ruining your life all the time. But you have to keep it under control. It's like you have a wolf and you have it behind like this flimsy chain link fence that you just like, I'm going to wire this fucking shot and I'm going to go to work and I hope the wolf doesn't get out. That's literally what it's got to be like, but then you also have to have discipline. And I think those two counterbalance each other.

And one of the things that's helped my act tremendously over the last few years, I think Triggered was my best special ever, and I think this one is better than that. I think Strange Times is better than Triggered. And one of the things that over the last three or four years that I've really concentrated on is this process, the process of organizing and being very meticulous about how I structure my material and then doing a lot of sets too.

You've got to do that and then fuck around and go on stage drunk i like to go on stage high i like to fuck around because those are workout sets and in in those moments of chaos sometimes a thing will come out that wasn't there before it just pops out of nowhere and that motherfucker might be my that might be my bruce jenner bit that might be my closing bit and those. That might be my closing bit. And those bits are, they're rare. They're strange. They're ethereal.

They come out of the sky. You don't know where they're from and you have to nurture that. And that comes from chaos. And that come, that's not necessarily a discipline thing. So the creativity and the madness has to sort of they have to share space with the discipline they have to they have to go back and forth with each other so we've always thought like like people have always thought of comedians as being like sad people or drunks or messy people or not disciplined don't have their shit together but why i don't think that's the case like i'm always going to

be fucked up right okay so how about i be fucked up but i also keep it together you know so i always have these thoughts you know like i still have crazy thoughts like what like what's your what are you why are you fucked up like what are you what's your fucked up thoughts well i probably definitely have brain damage yeah probably definitely have like some sort of head trauma induced damage i don't know what's going sort of head trauma induced damage i don't know what's going on what has that manifest itself i don't know do you get anxious sure sometimes yeah you have moments where you're like not totally like that but also i work out so much that i drain all that shit out of my system and you meditate right yes i spent a lot of time doing float tank too i have a float tank right here that helps a lot um but i think that if i did slow down and you

know people like oh you fucking work out so much because you're afraid you're crazy yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah what are you saying saying something i literally when i'm running i'm like you're running i'm forest gumping right now i could when i'm going through the worst times in my life i could just run forever and that's what when you see old men running and you're like what are you why are you running from you're running from something every when you work out that much you're running from something and i'll admit to it it's a good it's a great coping it's better than drinking for me well it but it works that's the thing it does yeah like if you are crazy and you do like if you're a comedian and if you're a comedian, guess what?

You're fucking crazy if you're a good one. I never met a good one that's not crazy. I mean, everybody's got their own crazy. Like Howie Mandel's crazy is he can't touch people. You know, he's got to put paper towels on the ground every time he walks. Like when he goes to a hotel room, you know what he does? He lays out paper towels a pathway to his bathroom to the bed. And he won't touch people's hands.

He's a severe germaphobe. Super nice guy. One of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. That's his crazy. His crazy is different than your crazy. Your crazy is different than my crazy. My crazy is different than Chris D'Elia's crazy. Everybody's crazy.

I know. We're all crazy. Everyone's so crazy. You have to be to be good. You have to be. You have to embrace that. Yeah. There's no way else you're coming up with the kind of fucked up shit that you and I say on stage.

That you say in front of a bunch of people. And then you hit it with a tagline and you take it to another place. There's no way you're normal. There's no way. It's not possible. But are we more crazy than the average person? No. That's the thing. We're just more person? No. That's the thing.

We're just more aware of it. Everyone's fucking crazy. I bet less crazy than the average person because we're free to express ourselves. The average person has to live this fucking bizarre contained life where you show up the same place every day, do something you don't want to do every day with a bunch of people you probably don't even like. And you're all backstabby and weird with each other. And you're just doing it for a paycheck, you know, and you're spending the majority of your time here on this heavenly body hurling through infinity doing something you don't want to do.

You don't like. Yeah, that's more crazy. What you and I are doing, at least we're doing something we love. Yeah. And then that feeling that you get. I mean, I've seen you crush, right? You go on stage in the main room and you fucking crush. And you say, thank you, good night.

And everybody goes, wah. That feeling of making all those people happy. They went out. They got babysitters. They got together. They dressed up. They went to dinner, they got to the comedy store, they ordered drinks, they sat down there and you fulfilled their

expectations. You gave them what they wanted to see. And I've seen you do it. And that feeling that you get when that happens, it's indescribable. It's a drug. For sure. You made 300 people happy. You made them all laugh. I i mean there's nothing like it on

earth for us i mean don't you see people that never get to kill and you go oh you poor bitch never get to kill you just go through your life as a doctor you never get to kill you never kill how do you yeah i mean honestly i wanted to die I was like on a path to like, I'll probably just kill myself someday if I don't find a purpose. And then killing gave me a purpose. Yeah. Killing on stage. Killing on stage was like, okay, now I have a reason to live.

That's like fucked up. It's fucked up. It's so fucked up. But it keeps me going and I get to continue to do it. It's fucked up. And sometimes it's a struggle to do. And that makes it more exciting. But don't you like the art of comedy? Like, didn't you like it before you ever did it?

Hell yes. Right. It's the greatest. It's such a get. Yeah. I mean, but it just never seemed like an option to me. Like, I didn't even, like, look at stand-ups like, oh, that's something I could ever do. I don't think anybody does until you do it.

There's some people that are like, what I grew up, all I did was I memorized comedy and I performed it for my class and I memorized people stand up I it was never even something I paid attention to until people were like you should do it and then I paid attention to it and I could do routines and Conan and everything but stand up I was I was never really aware of what were you what was your exposure to it early on well when I was about I think I was 13 or 14 my parents took me to it early on well when I was about I think I was 13 or 14 my parents took me to see Live on the Sunset Strip yeah

it was in the movie theater and it was Richard Pryor and it was absolutely the first time I'd ever seen anything like that oh so you had cool parents oh yeah hippies and that moment when I was in that audience watching that and dying laughing and

looking around i remember i really really distinctly remember looking not just looking at the screen but looking at all the people that were just like slapping the chair and moving around and holding their chest and thinking how insane is it that this guy can do this, that this guy can just talk? And just through talking, he's making me laugh way harder than any movie I'd ever seen in my life. And I think that movie came out, I think Live at the Sunset Show came out around the same time as Stripes, which is like one of my all-time favorite comedies. But I remember thinking, why isn't Stripes as funny as that guy talking? How insane is this thing that this guy can do where he's just talking?

Stripes, I'm watching all this stuff play out and there's tanks and, you know, but he's funnier than that. And I remember thinking he's funnier than any movie that I've ever seen. Even a Richard Pryor movie. A Richard Pryor movie, A Richard Pryor movie. Oh, wow. They're never as funny as him talking. Him talking is way funnier. It's the funniest thing.

It's the funniest thing. A comic killing. I remember my friend Steve Scharippa, he said something about, he went to see something about Mary. Yeah. And Steve Scharippa's this fucking old school Italian guy. He was on The Sopranos

Yeah, he he said he goes it was as good as someone killing That's what he said. He was as good as a comic killing. That's how funny that movie is. I was like wow What a crazy statement. It's as good as a comic killing like it's universally accepted that if you go to see you know It would fill in the blank Dave Chappelle whoever it is It's killing Bill Burr when they're on stage smashing that that's probably the see, you know, fill in the blank, Dave Chappelle, whoever it is that's killing, Bill Burr, when they're on stage smashing, that that's probably the funniest thing you could ever experience. So the art form itself is, to me, like, it's the craziest, most dynamic art form. It's that we stand up there with a microphone and talk into it, and that's all we have.

Yeah. There are times where I'm on stage and I'm like, how are you doing this? You have that moment that other people say to you all the time. It's like, how do you just, you know, musicians say it. They're like, I have a guitar and I get to sing and I rely on all these things. You just have to talk. And there's no other option for us. It's like that's all we've ever done.

But it is a wild thing that we do. It is, but musicians have their own wildness. I mean, could you imagine? Oh, God, no. Yeah. No, because I have no skill. I don't have it either, but I admire the shit out of it. One of the reasons why I admire it is because I don't have it.

Yes. I have friends that are musicians. I go to see them live, and it's so fulfilling to me because I have't have it. Yes. Like I watch, like I have friends that are musicians. I go to see them live and it's, it's so fulfilling to me because I have no talent. So like when I, when I watched them do it, I was like, this is amazing that they can do this. I can't do that.

That's incredible. Like when I, when I go to see Cirque du Soleil, I get the same feeling. Wow. Yes. Doing dancing with the stars. I'm just like watching these dancers.

Like how did you just do like that? That took me months to learn and you just taught it to this girl in three minutes for her to fill in for me to do the camera block. It was just like... I couldn't... That is the thing of the wonder of... I don't even know what that's like to do. But of course...

Do you play any instrument? Do you have any musical ability? None. Zero. Seems like you would. Nope. I know. Doesn't it suck? Nope. You don't want it? It's good. I don't want to learn anything. I do too much shit. Doesn't it suck? Nope. You don't want it?

No, it's good. I don't want to learn anything. I do too much shit already. Yeah, you really do. I don't want to. You don't need it. I'm trying to manage my time. I have to manage my obsessions. But I think that what you're seeing, whether it's in music or going to see a great comic or anything,

what you're seeing is these portals for expression. And the more they concentrate on that portal for expression, whether it's dancing or whether it's musicians or even someone making a film, the more they concentrate on those portals of expression, the better the message and the better the impact it's going to be for the people that are enjoying it, the people that watch it.

And I think Paul Mooney told me that a long time ago when I was a young comic coming up and he was like the old sage at the comedy store. He goes, if you really want to get good at comedy, you want to go up and kill? He goes, you should go get entertained. Go get entertained. I go, really? He goes, yeah. He goes, you know what I do? I go to see some music. I go to see a movie. I get entertained. I get entertained and I want to entertain. I was like, oh, that makes sense. Like you go see someone kick ass, right? When, you know, you go see someone sing and it's fucking amazing. And you're like, God, that portal for expression, like they've honed whatever message that's

going to go through that portal and it reaches you. whatever message that's going to go through that portal and it reaches you, it's the result of hundreds if not thousands of hours of twisting and turning and hammering and sculpting and massaging and sanding. And then you get to see it in this finished form. You're like, ah. It's inspiring. Fuck yeah. Do you go see a lot of music and movies?

I see as much as I can, yeah. I do it on purpose. I try to be entertained on purpose. You were saying that to me just now. It's like I need to work harder at doing, like it sounds stupid, but I need to go enjoy myself and be entertained more. You're absolutely right,

because every time I do, I walk away from it, and I go and be a better comedian. Yeah, I think, well, Mooney, like I said, he told me that in the 90s. That's sage. And he's such a wise man. And when he told me that, I think, well, Mooney, like I said, he told me that in the 90s. That's sage. And he's such a wise man. And when he told me that, I remember thinking, like,

God, that fucking totally, completely makes sense. And I think we don't do enough of that. And also, I think if you just do only comedy and you're around comedy all the time, you can get too wrapped up in it. You get too in your own head, and it takes away a little bit of your ability to be free yeah i i don't i don't seek out comedy i see enough of it but movies and i went to a musical last week i forced myself to go just watch people be great at that and it was i left feeling good it's good to do it's hard to do though like to watch a movie i feel accomplished at the end of

it like i read a book. Yeah. That's where I've gotten to now. It depends on if it's a good movie. If you see something that's like ex machina, it's like one of my favorite movies of all time. But I remember seeing that movie and getting out of there going, God damn it, I want to make something like that. Yeah. Something that when I leave, I go, fuck, that was good. God damn, they nailed it. Yeah.

You know, like when something comes together like that, they nailed it yeah you know like when when something comes together like that i think it gives you just a little bit of juice music definitely does that to me yes like a good like i'll play like if i there's a song that really cracks with me i'll play that motherfucker on repeat in the background while i write i'll just i'll just that one song just over and over again and all and the song sort of like fades into the background and and just gives you energy Yeah, you know it's that once you hear it like two or three times like the words don't mean anything anymore And then it just becomes like this fucking this is like Power supply have you done the goddamn comedy jam and like no no interest

Bill was trying to get me to sing the other day He's like you should do it cuz do it. Because him and Dean Del Rey, what they do is they go to a venue. Like, he played the Forum last week. Yeah. So they get there at 2 o'clock, set up the drums and the guitar and the amps, and then they play to no audience. They jammed all day. He played from 2 to 6.30.

That is so fun. Yeah, they're playing. They're having fun. And then you go on later that night and, you know, you're just free. Yeah, I rented a karaoke room for my birthday. And I just sang Taylor Swift songs the whole time and had my friends held captive. They didn't even, they got to sing one or two songs. But we only had it for an hour because I had to go do sets that night.

And I just sang, I just performed Taylor Swift to them because I want to be Taylor Swift. And it was so fun. I was like, I should do this more often by myself. Just to sing to a track and pretend I'm a pop star for an hour. Just have fun. That's so, that is such, that's so cool that they did that. Yeah. I think just having fun is important.

Just doing things that are fun, you know. Yeah. You get, like you, I think you could definitely get too distracted when you're not concentrating on what you should be doing but i also think you get too focused where you lose track of what it is like what is this what do i do for fun anymore i've had to ask myself that and i'm currently asking myself that and like what do you have a hobby no i mean running but does that count something i love it every day it's something then it's then it's a hobby? No, I mean running, but does that count? Something. I love it every day.

It's something. Yeah, then it's a hobby. Sure. Why wouldn't it count? Because it's a thing that people are like, oh, it's a chore. Working out is to them. Some people look at it as a chore. Yeah, it isn't anymore to me.

Meditation might be a hobby, but that's more of a practice. It's like brushing my teeth, so I wouldn't say brushing my teeth is a hobby but that's more of a practice that i like it's like brushing my teeth so i wouldn't say brushing my teeth is a hobby um no and i need more but you've always had hobbies has you've always like martial arts did that turn into a hobby for you as soon as you started doing comedy or did you have to like kind of get back into it no it's never stopped it's always been it's just it's almost like a big part of my philosophy like who i am yeah it's never stopped because you know i started working for the ufc in 1997 that's when i started doing post-fight

interviews and i was still very involved in martial arts then that's when i was just starting to learn jiu-jitsu uh so i was involved in a new martial art for me. And then I've never stopped. I've always done something. And I've never stopped paying attention to it or studying it or learning new moves or paying attention to the new trends or watching fights, especially things that I don't necessarily practice as much. I'm interested in that, like watching different things that people do.

What's the last hobby you picked up? Bow hunting. And you're like, you love it. Obsessed. Really? To me, it's going to sound ridiculous, but it's a spiritual way to achieve your food, to get meat. And spiritual sounds ridiculous to people. like, oh, you're shooting an arrow at an animal.

You have to be so finely tuned with your senses and your skills and your abilities. And there's so much consequence on the line if you fuck up. And then the pressure is so immense that to me, it's almost cleansing in its intensity. so immense that to me it's almost cleansing in its intensity and that uh i think doing difficult things makes doing other difficult things uh better not easier but you get better at it you get you you understand i think if you put yourself in a situation this happens to certain comedians um they get really good they get really famous and then they only perform for their crowd, and they get soft. Yes, all the time.

I think we've all seen them. They start to suck. They start to, their comedy gets soft, and they become like, almost like someone doing an impression of them. They lose their edge. And I think one of the ways to keep your edge is to always be scared.

So always do something that scares the shit out of you. Always do something that's nerve-wracking. Always do something that's difficult, whether it's a martial art or it's learning to dance or learning an instrument or something hard. Like what Bill Burr does, he flies helicopters, he plays the drums. I think things like that, I think those are critical. I think you need different – and it almost should be thought of as like a protocol, like cross training, that you're not just going to do your discipline, but you're also going to be involved in other disciplines that they add to what you're doing. Yeah, I think that's what you're hitting on exactly why I said yes to dancing with the Stars, which dancing is the thing that I know that I'm worst at, was because it's like that's the scariest thing to me.

And if I do that, then I can do so many other things that I'm also scared of that I'm not as scared of as dancing. It's really weird, but I talk a lot about sex. I want to do weird sex things in my life that I haven't done. I want to go to sex clubs. I want to have threesomes my life that I haven't done. I want to go to sex clubs. I want to have threesomes. I'm pretty vanilla, even though- You want to go to a sex club?

Oh, yeah. The problem with a sex club is the other people in the sex club, they're also there. Yeah, no, that's not the problem for me. You're part of fucking weirdos jizzing on your feet and shit. No, they're not. It's all very consensual, and it's all very- I just want to- You studied it.

I know enough going it like I'm ready for it now because I did Dancing with the Stars. I'm like oh I could go have a threesome. So you're ready to go to have a threesome? 100% and I was not before because I always wanted to say I've done a threesome. I've always wanted that experience to talk about. It seems like an interesting thing. But do you want to do a threesome with two dudes or

do you want to do a threesome with a girl and a guy? Both. I mean I would prefer for my own like I would like more dudes than women because I'm just not, like, dying. What if the dudes started making out in front of you? You'd be like, check, please. No, it has to be about me. Yeah, I have to be, like, they have to be mostly into me.

But I can, I don't mind a little bit of gayness going on. I think we're all, like, very fluid or whatever, but. Good luck with that thought. I think we're all very fluid or whatever. Good luck with that thought. I am totally... If a guy is kind of gay but is enough into me, I'm fine with it. Really? Yeah.

If you've sexed some dicks in your life, I could date you. What an open-minded woman. I don't care. Aren't I cool? How many dicks? If you're bisexual, if you're equal dicks to pussies, I don't care. As long as you're very into my pussy while it's in front of you. Is that rare, though?

That seems rare. It seems like most girls would be skeeved out. I think that is rare. No, I think it's rare. But I think it shouldn't be. I think that, um... Well, why shouldn't it be? Because...

Shouldn't you like whatever you like? Like, if you're just in a totally straight man, there's nothing wrong with that. As long as you're not homophobic No, I bisexual a phobic to the point where you judge them and you hate them, but you shouldn't like you have to like them Well, okay. Here's I don't think that I don't think that Liking dick makes you like pussy any less if you also if you're bisexual It's not like you have an amount of liking other people's body parts to give out, and you're giving half of that to dicks and half of that to pussies.

I think you can like them both equally and be as excited by them in front of you. I've never met anybody like that. I've met bisexual men who like them equally. I had a joke about bisexual people that I don't really totally believe, but it was just a good joke. Yeah. That I kind of believe. That I believe in gay women. And I believe in bisexual women. But I think there's two types of gay men. I don't necessarily believe in bisexual men. I think there's gay men and then there's really gullible straight dudes who get talked into blowing crafty gay guys.

I think that those things do exist. There's definitely some gullible straight dudes. But I do think there are really bisexual men. That's just a joke. Of course that's just a joke. But I think you're right. Those do exist. Fuck yeah they exist.

Very gullible straight men who will live with that secret and walk around. They're called John Travolta's massage therapists. Allegedly. Allegedly. Just a joke, John. I'm sure you're a good guy. No, but I think, yeah, I'm into, I don't, I think that if, I'm not like, I don't look at women and go like, I want to fuck her.

But if a girl was like super into me, I could totally date someone and fall in love with someone and be in a romantic sexual relationship with a girl that would be just as gratifying as with a man. But she would have to be into me. I think that's the thing. I'm into men that aren't necessarily... Would she have to look a certain way, too? Because there's certain lesbians, they have a look. She has to have a dude energy.

Like a Tom Arnold energy? A Tom Arnold energy! You know, like, kind of gals. One woman is looking for a woman who has a Tom Arnold energy. They wear like down vests when it's just a little too warm out for that vest. Yeah, I kind of like those women. Because they're just like, I just like a woman who just. Lumberjackie.

I like to be pursued. So any kind of energy you give me, like where you're like, I want you and I'm coming after you and I'm not going to really take no for an answer. Not in a rapey way. We all know. But like, I do like an energy of like. But like a thick woman with a big neck. No, I like a feminine looking.

I like any type of woman, but I think it's an energy. But yeah, like I've met women. Like a Ruby Rose type character. I mean, that's everyone's like, yeah, that would be nice. That's what everyone wants? No, I mean, Jennifer Aniston is my favorite. If she's like, I know what's wrong with me. This is why I can't settle down with a dude.

Oh, God. I want a woman. Like Nikki Glaser. Would you be into that? Yes! For real? Yes! If she was into me. If she was like, I'm going to try this out, then no. But if she was like, I want this girl

and I'm going to come after her, oh yeah. Have you had a lesbian relationship before? No, not even close. Not even close. I made out with most girls. I made out with all my girlfriends before I ever kissed a guy because I was so scared of boys that the first time I got drunk, I made out with all of my girlfriends because we wanted to kiss boys, but we didn't have boys around who liked us.

That's hilarious. That's the difference between girls and boys. Guys don't ever do that. Oh, they just don't talk about it, Joe. Really? Oh, they do that. Do they? They get drunk and make out with each other?

I think so. How many guys? If you had like 10 guys in a room, how many guys do you think have made out with their buddies? I'm not kidding you. I think four out of 10 guys have done some gay stuff early on before they had a chance to do it with women. Men who identify as straight. You are dealing with a severely impaired sample size. Like whatever semi-homo energy you're attracting.

These are all Travolta masseuses. Poor John Travolta. It's just a joke, John. It's just a joke, John. I don't think that's the number. I mean, I think it's probably like, what's the standard accepted number of homosexuals in a population? Is it 1 out of 100?

1 out of 10. Is that real? I think it's like 10%. There would be so many more. Just stop and think about that, right? There's 20 million people in Los Angeles. You think 1 out of 10? I think there's 200,000.

Wait, no, that would be like wait 20 million people one that's so that's two million people okay um that is a lot of gay it's a lot of homos you can still say homo you can definitely still say homo still say homo ah you fucking homos enjoy it while you can dangerous saying fucking homos it's like oh well then it's there's an aggression to it you beautiful homos then you can say, hey, what do you imply? Oh, well, then there's an aggression to it. You beautiful homos. Then he can say, all right, he respects us. What are the numbers? What is this? What do we got?

Numbers of gays broken down by... Yeah, but how many closeted gays? Yeah, that's the thing. See, the problem is I know so many closeted gay guys, and there's several stages to that. There's closeted gays that are out to their friends, which I have friends that are closeted gay that are out to their friends,

but they're in the business, and so they're closeted. Right. But then there's closeted even to their friends, which I have friends that are closeted gay that are out to their friends, but they're in the business and so they're closeted. But then there's closeted even to their friends. I have one friend in particular. You know who you are, motherfucker. No, sorry. Or to themselves. Okay, it says 6% of women or 5% of women 5.1% of

women and 3.9% of men that are identifying. So then let's round up a little men. Yeah. That are identifying. So then let's round up a little bit. Yeah. How much will we round up? I gotta round up at least a percentage. More. So we're dealing

with about... 5%. I think 5%. If you're rounding up 5%, then we're looking at 10%, Joe. No, it's 3... Oh, what do you mean? So 5% of women identify and 3.9% of men. So, if you're rounding up... If you're doubling that, which you're saying rounding up 5%, or you're rounding up

5% of the percent. Up 2%. What? We're both sucking it, man. I know. It's been clearly established. I think... If they're saying it's 3%, I think it's probably 5%. Okay. Oh, I see what you're saying. You're rounding up 1%. Yes. Okay, then that's what I'm saying, too. I think it's probably 5%. Okay. Oh, I see what you're saying. You're rounding up 1%.

Yes. Okay. Then that's what I'm saying too. I think it's about. Yeah. And probably maybe even more because it's just such a stigma. Whenever there's a stigma to something, there's always going to be a bunch of people that are just in denial of it and just they're sad that they are and there's a lot of that.

There was a guy that I used to know and he was a comic and he used to have the most ruthlessly homophobic material. It was awful. It was awful. Like he used to do like he used to God, he used to do these really mean, nasty jokes about gay guys. And then I moved out here to L.A. and then somebody said, hey, did you hear that guy's gay? I went, what? He goes, yeah, he finally came out. I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

And then I go back home, went back to Boston and then all of a sudden he's like a big old queen. It's like he just, he was just keeping it in, the poor bastard. I think that that's, it happens all the time the guys when guys have acts where i watch on stage and they're just they hate women so much that's that's not so much hating gay people but hating women in a way that they're like a lot of guys that um i have i have a lot i used to hate my vagina a lot because i would hear guys talk about like beef curtains or fucking Arby's five for five dollars like and I have like one of those vaginas right so I have like more I have like uh like not

like it's not like hanging down to my knees but like I have a I don't have a pussy you see in porn like I don't have like a perfect little designer vag and I used to be really insecure about it because I used to hear guys say like too many lips down there it's gross and I think that a lot of guys that have that kind of mentality about pussies and say that they're gay and I would be disgusted with pussy too. I would have that like

looks like a roast beef. I would act that way too if I were a gay man that if I had to do something that I didn't really want to be doing by nature. So that's where I think that comes from sometimes. Could be. So when I see a guy on stage just say like really disgusting things about women and just hate women, I'm just like gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Could be.

Do you remember like, I mean, well, I was going to say bring up that. What is his name? Ted. We talked about him the other day on the podcast. I used to have a whole bit about him from 2009, that month. Bundy. No, no. He was the famous preacher.

Ted Haggard. Ted Haggard. Oh, yeah. Ted Haggard, who was just fucking rabidly anti-gay. Turned out he was smoking meth and having gay sex with gay prostitutes. And then they outed him on CNN. The gay prostitute was smoking meth and having gay sex with gay prostitutes. And then they outed him on CNN. The gay prostitute was like, I sucked your dick and we smoked crack together.

And he was like, oh. But that's what it is. It's like these guys, they hate what they are. And there's so many of these anti-gay politicians that turn out to be gay. I know. There's so many of them. It's almost like go the other way because you are just telling us who you are. This has happened too many times.

They don't know. I think the thing about people that are living a lie is that they're always living in that lie. And they can't see truth because they're spouting. I think if you lie all the time, like you're always not expressing yourself in an honest way, you get super confused and you don't know what it is. It's like comics who steal jokes can't write jokes. You ever notice that? Yes. There's no comics that steal jokes that write amazing jokes.

That also write amazing jokes and also steal. They don't do both. They don't do both. You do one or the other. Right. Yeah. Because to be living in that lie, like, oh, yeah, I thought of that. Yeah, it's my joke.

You're constantly justifying it and living in your head like that. Those comics, when they get outed and they're forced to write their own material, they fucking suck. They suck like a joke, like an open mic-er or something, like someone who doesn't know how to do comedy. And they could have been doing comedy for 10, 15 years. But you'll see their material

and compare it to the jokes they stole. And you're like, wow. You're so right. To live a lie that bad, to steal material, you can't be actually a creative genius person in another way. What's a totally different kind of thinking? You're different.

You're not a comedian. You're a thief. You're a magician. You're doing something. You're doing an, you're not a comedian you're a thief you're you're a magician you're doing something you're doing an you're an actor you're a liar yeah you're just a liar it's not the same thing so the opposite oh it's so interesting to take that away from them and then they we've seen it yeah we don't have to mention any names yeah we've seen it and when you see it it's super obvious and they get terrible as they get older as they get further along in their career instead of getting better they get way worse that's so weird when you're like we've all been

accused of stealing material because there's one tweet that someone did and it's like well that's a similar thought and it's like well it's a parallel thought idiot there's always parallel thought if i was a joke thief when i've been accused of stealing a lot it's like why would so then all of my stuff is stolen because why would I do that? Why would I take that one? Do I really need that that badly that I would steal it

and then all this other stuff is original? Then all of my stuff is probably stolen. Right. And that's one of the weird things you do find out when you find out

that someone's a thief. Then someone starts going through their material and comparing it to all these other comedians. You go, holy shit. Like, look at all this. Oh my God. And then look at that that's a bit from mad tv oh that's a cosby bit oh my god and then you see like most of their thoughts they've somehow or another pilfered from

someone else and just sort of repackaged and that's a different kind of talent i'm almost like okay i respect that you were able to have that ruse going for that long that's's a different kind of talent. I'm almost like, okay, I respect that you were able to have that ruse going for that long. That's like a different kind of, you're just a. Can you imagine that? Oh, just being that much of a. And then just waiting for someone to pull out that YouTube clip. And just, but they must not. I don't think they think about, they can't possibly think about that.

I mean, when I used to shoplift, I was worried about getting caught. You were shoplifted? Caught, yeah. Oh, yeah. How much did you shoplift? Like, not a lot. Was this while you were anorexic? Big time.

Oh, I was addicted to it. Were you shoplifting to keep yourself from thinking about the fact that you were really skinny? I was shoplifting to stop from thinking about how I was hungry or that I hated myself. It was just a high I would get like getting things and I would steal things that I didn't want that I didn't like that I would never wear that I just for the rush because I could yeah and I always knew I would get caught and I knew that I had to get caught to quit but I wanted to keep going as long as I could and then I got caught and I never shoplifted again after getting caught but like I

remember getting caught and being like I knew I needed to get caught thank you like I'll never do it again and she was like I'm fucking tired of this shit and screaming at me she was like a couple years older than me was an urban outfitters in Lawrence Kansas I was on a break from work and I just went over to do some light shoplifting wow

and I got caught on the way out the like the beeper went off it was so embarrassing because she went through my bag and she goes, really, this shirt? This is disgusting. She was judging and she was like cooler than me.

It was so humiliating on every level. I was wearing my uniform from the restaurant job where I worked next door and it was the Urban Outfitters that was like the only cool place to shop in my college town

and she was like, you're banned for three years. I'm like, that's the rest of college. So I'd have to go in in disguises to actually purchase things because I was banned. But I never shopped again. What kind of disguises did you wear?

I would just like wear sunglasses and like a scarf. Fat suit? Like Eddie Murphy when he put on the fat suit. Shallow Al. The nutty professor. Yeah, but being someone who stole things, I knew that I would get caught. And I wanted to get caught because it's a terrible life.

Do you think these people want to get caught? No. No, I think they just want to kill. They get addicted to killing. One of the things that happens when someone gets caught stealing stealing we're just talking about this the other day um was that when someone gets caught stealing and then you call them on they say i won't do that again and then you hear hey you hear he just did that your bit at the laugh factor like that motherfucker he said he would stop doing it but these people aren't they get addicted to killing yeah addicted to it can you imagine being

having that taken away from you? Like, that's what I keep thinking about with comedians that have had to not go on stage anymore because something happens. Obviously, the Me Too stuff that's happened. I like, there's a part of me that's like, what if someone said I couldn't go on stage for a year? Like, I was banned. Right.

Like Michael Richards? Well, yeah. Banned forever. He's basically banned forever. I wouldn't, I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't do stand-up at night and like I'm not jerking off in front of people so like I'm not at risk of losing that right now but like I don't think he thought he was at risk of losing that he did think that did you do you think like it was just a matter of time I mean I know that maybe towards the end when everything was kind of blowing up around him with other men that he was maybe worried about it.

But like, do you think he went years of like, I hope this doesn't come back? Probably. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, because it's a, you know, that's a weird one. That's a, because that's one that you like, how do you describe that? I mean, how do you, how do you defend that? Like, you really can't.

It's just a weird one. It's not the worst one. Why not just say, I'm into jerking off in front of women. I don't know why it's my thing. I'm sorry. You should have just listened to Jim Norton. Jim Norton should have acted as his attorney. He should have done a press conference and Jim Norton should have been his attorney.

They would have fucking cleared that thing up in a heartbeat. Yeah, Jim Norton should have opened it up. Jim Norton would have said, I jerk off in front fucking cleared that thing up in a heartbeat. Yeah, Jim Norton would have said, Jim Norton would have said, well, I jerk off in front of women as well, but a lot of times they have dicks. And that's what I'm into. And like, I mean, yeah, Norton is so free

because he talks about like his, how he's into trannies and like that's his thing. You're not allowed to say tranny anymore, by the way. Oh, that's right. But he can still say it because he's into trannies and like that's his thing and you're not allowed to say tranny anymore by the way. Oh, that's right. That's right. But he can still say it because he's into them.

He says it and no one even calls him out on it. They just let it slide. He really does like transgender women. Because he does so much for the community. Yeah, I know.

He really does. I think he's talked about liking having people shit on him. Yep. Like he puts down a tarp before women come over sometimes. Yeah, he likes having women

piss in his mouth. I remember reading his books like early on in college and being like, I can't believe this man talking so openly about this, but thank God for him. There's nothing,

he's not worried about anything coming back to haunt him. No, he's so brave because of the fact that he's so ruthlessly honest like that and loved for it. Yeah. Monster rain,

him talking about blowing another kid underneath a porch as a kid. That was, I mean, people now talk openly about being molested or having weird sexual experiences with boys early on. And it's more of like an okay thing when Jim Norton was doing it back in 2002,

no one talked about that shit and was, and joked about it and was beloved by ONA fans. I mean, he he was someone that early on I was like, I this is different to me and I love it. And I want to be on the other side of this where I can talk about all this stuff, too, and not. Oh, that's interesting. Because there's so much freedom in being able to be like, yeah, I blew a kid under a porch

when I was a kid. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with I was a kid. There's freedom in being yourself. Being yourself. Being honest. Yeah. And you find that when you are yourself, as long as you're not hurting anybody. Yeah.

When you are yourself, you find people actually love you for it. Yes. Yeah. And they love the fact that you can be so brave that you can talk about all the different things that you love that other people might be scared of admitting. Yes. Yeah. Because like that, like his love of transgender women.

Like think of that, like if that came out about someone who was trying to hide that, it would be devastating to them. But to him, it's just like he'll just talk about it openly and laugh about it. Yeah. And it's not a point of contention at all. It's not, you know, it's not something he's ashamed of. It's just who he is. I know.

Him and there's several other people, though. But I remember Sarah Silverman hearing her talk about being a bedwetter. And that was my biggest shame for so long. And then I was just like, oh, OK, well, then it's OK. It took us one cool woman to say she did something embarrassing. And I was like, okay, it's acceptable now. Now I can talk about it. And so that's why I talk about, like, I like anal sex.

I don't think that it's a cool thing. I'm not saying that, like, I'm not trying to put that out there as, like, aren't I naughty and don't you want to fuck me? Like, that's not my intention with it, even though people will put that on me sometimes. But it's because you should try it it feels good and I want to like put it out there to women like it's it actually like I wanted just more people to experience it and not be scared of it and it is gross and it is scary and it is weird but like I talk openly about it because I hope that if you are a girl that's into it, you're not ashamed of being into it. Or if you're a guy that's into it, you're not ashamed of being into it.

You should have the speech to two gay guys you're going to have a threesome with. Honestly, I will. Listen. Do you think you would be excited about a dude butt fucking a dude who's fucking you? Like have you got some sort of human centipede thing going? No, because I don't think he could focus on me if he was being penetrated himself. And it would be more about taking it from me. Like, Nikki, you're the best, I think.

Yeah, exactly. That's the face I don't want to see. This experience is so amazing. I think it's because of you. It might be the dick in my ass. I'm not sure. No, I couldn't stand that. I would need more focus on me.

If he wasn't concentrating on you. Yeah. If he's like, you, you, him. Yeah. You, you, him. You, you, him. You, you, him. Two thrusts, one back. Yeah, that wouldn't do it for me.

They'd have to both be concentrating on you. Yeah, both focused on me. I need to be the focal point if I'm going to be in one of these things, which I think you can arrange that. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck arranging what people are going to focus on. Oh, that's a good point.

But that's the thing that I was fearing of doing a threesome is like, what if I get in it and like, what if I have to go down on a girl and like I'm doing it and I'm like. She smells like fish. Yeah. Like it's bad pussy or something. Or it's like what I. Bad pussy. What's bad pussy? I don't know.

But what if it is? What if I just don't like pussy? Right. Very possible. When I did Dancing with the Stars, I really came out of it being like, I'm ready to eat some pussy now. Because I faced my fear of dancing in front of millions of people, which is like the scariest thing I've ever done on live TV. Anything could go wrong. And now I'm like, what's.

What's next? Why am I so scared of a threesome? Because I think my thing about a threesome is I'm going to get into it and I'm going to be like, I don't want to be here and that I'll still have to go through with it. But like, no, I won't. I'll just go, um, you know what? I like, I changed my mind, which I do all the time now with hookups.

I think that as a woman, we are so conditioned to think that men have to come at the end of it. There's the thing called blue balls and like, and that if you've, if you've made out with a guy and gotten alone with a guy and you've decided to hook up with a guy and you're like, I'm getting naked with a guy. You have to go through the whole thing until he orgasms. Like that is what,

that is what we are sold. Because men put that pressure on you. It's not men. It's women. It's magazines. It's TV. Magazines tell you you have to make them come? Well,

like 5,000 ways to blow his mind and to do this with a feather. You know, that kind of shit. How do they keep coming up with those lists? I mean, how many goddamn Cosmo episodes? How many issues have been made? I mean, it's the same thing with workouts. The last ab workout you'll ever need. Well, then you better not tell me another one

because you just said this is the last one I'll need, even though you'll say that next year, too. There's endless things, but my new thing is now, I used to be so scared of hooking up with guys because I was like, if I agree to kiss a guy alone in a room, then I'm probably agreeing to have sex with him.

I don't even want to put myself in that scenario, so I just didn't even kiss boys. See, that's something that a man doesn't have to fear, right? If a man is alone with a woman and he's making out with her in a room, he doesn't think like, oh, my God, I have to satisfy her or she's going to be mad at me. Yeah. And it's not even about like it is exactly what you're saying, because I want to backtrack and say it's not about like he's going to force me to have sex with him. It's like he's going to be upset. He's going to be mad or disappointed in me.

He's just going to like he's just going to be mad. And I don't want a guy to be mad at him. It's like, he's going to be upset. He's going to be mad or disappointed in me. He's just going to like, he's just going to be mad. And I don't want a guy to be mad at me. Right. And so I always, you don't want a bad, an unpleasant experience

for the other person. Exactly. You just don't, you just want to be nice. Right. And accommodating. And, and that's what I felt,

always felt like if, if I, if I make out with a guy, I have so many times in my life been making out with a guy and been said in my head, like, what's the least I can do to make this guy come? The least. The least. What can I do that is going to make me feel the least bad about myself?

Or like something I, what do I want to, what can I do to make, how can this guy get off and I can leave feeling good about myself and like I didn't Do something I didn't want to do which a lot of times you do something you don't want to do, right? It has happened to me and do I call rape on it? Do I look back on that guy and go he raped me? No, do you think that the solution I was into it? Do you think the solution to that is wait way longer before you get intimate with someone like get to know them really well? No, I think the solution is educating women and telling them that it's okay if a guy doesn't come.

And it is okay the second you're like, I'm not really feeling this. That's the case for sure. But I mean, personally for you, to not be in that situation, like know a guy really well before you're intimate with him. Because isn't that part of the problem is a lot of times people get intimate with someone, especially if alcohol is involved. You get intimate with someone before you know them. And then you may be in the situation and you're like this is not what i wanted and now i feel gross and i want to get out of here i think yeah that's part of it and to

not i think it really is though as a woman just being able to be say make the situation uncomfortable by being like i'm done here here. I'm so sorry. I'm not going to come. So neither are you. And maybe we'll do this again sometime. I've done that recently. You sound like the lady who's in charge of the audition. Thank you, Nikki.

I really have reached that point with myself, though. We'll be in touch. I did that to someone recently where I was literally hooking up with them and I was like I don't just I think this is it this is gonna be like and it was but here's my thing is like more I hate being this

woman that but if I'm gonna get anything across to your listeners I because it's I sound like a hack 80s female comic right now but like more for play like I never thought I'd be a woman 80s female comic right now, but more foreplay. I never thought I'd be a woman that says that. I could always be convinced to have sex with you.

If I'm willing to make out with you, then I am somewhere in the realm of things. And I'm not giving this to every woman, but for me, I am willing to take a good dicking from you. You have that opportunity. If I'm making out with you. The door is open. Yes. Convince me. Right. Turn me on. Don't just try to stick your dick in me right after making out. That's not going to be the way

to fuck me. Some guys I think panic and go. So many guys do that. I'm going in there right now. Quick. I know. Before she says no. Why? I don't know. They're panickers. But before she says no, no. You have all this time to get me to say yes. Some people are panickers. Just, we need to bring back dry humping.

Dry humping. It is so hot. High school style. Get to the point where I'm so revved up that I'm like, I need it. Like, girls are, I want, because you know what it feels like to get fingered when you're not turned on? It feels like the way, it feels when a girl, when a girl grabs your dick and you're not hard. You know that feeling where you're like, oh, no, no, no, too early.

Don't do it yet. Like, let me just get. That's the way it feels when a guy goes to finger you and you're not wet. You're like, I could get there, but now I'm not going to because now I'm insecure that I'm not wet. And now, like, I just want to cut this thing. So don't touch us there until we're like, us there until we take your hand and do it. And if you get us there, which you will by doing all the other stuff, dry humping, over the pants stuff, feeling our tits, kissing, kissing,

get us revved up and we will beg you to fuck us. You should give a seminar. I should! This is like, I feel like you're on stage in front of a large audience telling people how to do this. I really, I want to give like sex TED Talks because I think that I could get men and women to have more sex and enjoy it more. Because I've just given this stuff so much thought, but I really hate being the girl to say more. You talk about it on stage? Yeah, I do. I talk about this a girl to say more about it on stage. Yeah,

I do. I talk about this a lot. I'm just starting to get into this area. This is, I'm, it seems like it's ripe for material, man. It's,

it's just true. And, and I'm, I'm also telling guys in the audience who I might fuck. Like, I'm hoping that there's a guy in the back of the room that I'm like into, you know, I've done that before where there's like a guy I'm crushing on and I know he's in the room and I'm like into. You know, I've done that before where there's like a guy I'm crushing on and I know he's

in the room and I'm like, here's the handbook. Just like do some over the pants fingering. Over the pants fingering. Jeans, tight jeans, over the pants. Use the seam on where you're the, the, the, that little notch. That's a, that's a clit thing. All right. I'm sorry, Joe. Thanks,

Nikki. Thanks for being here. I appreciate it. We just did three hours. Sorry to end it like that. Oh, no. It's fine to end it that way. We can keep going if you like just to settle it down. No, we don't need to. I can

get off on a high point. That was good. It's good to get off there. I don't need any foreplay on the back end. Okay. So I don't need to rev down. Okay. Nikki Glaser, everybody. Oh, tell everybody where they can find you on Instagram.

Where can they send these dick pics that are coming your way? Oh, God, please don't send any dick pics. I don't want any dick pics. They're coming. I'm on Instagram, Nikki Glaser. Twitter, Nikki Glaser. I have a SiriusXM show every single morning, Monday through Thursday. Where do you do that from?

From New York in the Sirius building. I live in New York City generally. Oh, do you? Yeah, yeah. I see you out here so often though. I'm here all the time. But yeah, it's every morning from 10 to 12 Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, SiriusXM, Channel 95.

So you have to get up and be there every morning at 10 a.m.? Yeah. I know. That's like a job. It is a job. You like it? I love it. Cool. It's really fun. Yeah, I love it. This was fun. Really? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Thank you for having me. I asked you to be on it. I just confronted you backstage and I was scared, but you're awesome

and I really appreciate you having me. Thank you. You're awesome too. It was a really fun talk. It was fun talking to you. Nikki Glaser, everybody.