The Joe Rogan Experience - #1190 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now” Available on Spotify. He will be featured on the Netflix Stand Up Series "The Degenerates" premiering on October 30.

three two what the fuck are you saying joey deas i said that once you're clean for 29 days without smoking reefer that's it why go back what yeah i like it no if i fucking stayed clean from reefer for 29 days i'd go i'd let my lungs fucking heal from the abuse I've inflicted on them the last 30 fucking years. What about edibles? What about spray? First of all, first of all, I haven't had an edible since like, I broke it in Boston

September 29th. So out of respect for Sober October, I didn't do an edible. I haven't done edibles. Something was wrong with my stomach. So I figured out I was lacto-tolerant. Lactose figured out I was lactose intolerant. Lactose intolerant. Lactose intolerant.

I fucking eat mozzarella cheese or milk, and I'm farting up. You know, it's a nightmare. So I had to cut that out of my diet. No mozzarella cheese. Light on the American cheese now. No Swiss, no more. No Cuban sandwiches. Really?

It's fucking crazy. And then I had to cut out the edibles that give me a weird feeling. no more no Cuban sandwiches. Really? It's fucking crazy. And then I had to cut out the edibles that give me a weird feeling. Like what? It had just gone somewhere else. And I didn't like the hunger issues. Oh, the munchies. The hunger issues after 11 o'clock were just monstrous.

Like here I am working hard to lose weight. I'd stick to it, and then I'd go home. I'd start with an apple, another apple, a banana, another banana. Then you got to bust out the salami sandwich with the fucking, you know, it was just getting bad. I could not control it. Could not. Uncontrollable. The hunger from edibles every minute after 11 o'clock for me was uncontrollable.

Well, you get blitzkrieg. You don't just get like a little fucked up. No, and it starts early. It was starting early, 2 in the afternoon, then pop another 2 at fucking 6. Do you like vaporizing? No. No, just smoking. If you're worried about your lungs...

I take vapors at a hotel to get the party started in the morning. While I'm having coffee in my hotel room, writing my notes for the thoughts of the day. Because I don't wake up with hunger. See, that was my problem all those years. I would need to one. If you want to be a fat fuck, don't eat to one when you wake up. Because then you got to make up for it the rest of the day.

So now I have to force myself to eat. What do you mean? Because a lot of you guys like the intermittent fasting. I can't live with that. What do you mean? My shit goes up and down, my blood pressure, my blood sugar. So I could never intermittent fast. But in the old days, I'd be coked up and I'd wake up speedy still.

Right. So I wouldn't eat breakfast. But I'd start eating at 1 or 2 o'clock and would not stop until fucking 2 in the morning. You saw me. Yeah. I'd be eating those pink dot sandwiches like they were nothing. Two meatball sandwiches at 12 o'clock because I wouldn't eat breakfast. I forced myself to eat, you know, for years we were eating every six hours.

You're supposed to eat a smaller portion. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's what people were thinking. I got to eat breakfast. And I can eat two egg yolks, a piece of wheat toast, and fruit, and I'm good. Like for Sobhrak Tov, I gave up bacon. I only eat two pieces of bacon. It's five points on Weight Watchers.

That's all I'm allowed. But at least I'm allowed two pieces of bacon. Two pieces of bacon is all you really need. That's all you need. Anything more than two pieces of bacon. Let me tell you something. You're getting greedy. When I was 4'18", between you and I, my wife, who's from the South, would make the whole

packet of Oscar Mayer center cut bacon. The whole pack. Every morning. That was my breakfast. You would eat the whole packet? The whole package. every morning. That was my breakfast. You would eat the whole packet? The whole package with three eggs, a half a loaf

of Wonder Bread and butter and a 16 ounce Coke to boot. A Coke on top of it? Oh yeah, I could drink two Cokes for breakfast. Remember, I grew up on the East Coast and I caught a bad habit early on. After my mother died, I caught that. I wouldn't eat at home. I would leave

and eat at the deli. Remember when fucking cream cheese and jelly on a roll was big? Oh, yeah. You know what that does to your system? Terrible. Cream cheese and jelly for breakfast. Sugar. I used to open up with cream cheese and jelly on a poppy seed roll with a 16-ounce Coke for breakfast for years.

And I was in shape. That's the thing. You know, you can't live... Remember that? Nobody eats cream, cheese, and jelly for breakfast on a roll no more. Cream, cheese, and jelly. No, because people know better now. In Jersey, in those diners, they got those bran muffins.

You go in there, you get those bran muffins. They put them on the grill with butter on them. Googly moogly. Those are good. Oh, my goodness. You just chop. Now, I go to Young M. Donuts, I get a bran muffin with raisins in it. And it's got no butter or nothing, but they cut them in half on the East Coast.

Those East Coast breakfasts were horrible. Now, how long have you been doing this Weight Watchers thing now? Since December 9th. So almost a year. Yeah, but I've been on it 11 months now- year. Yeah. 11 months now? Yeah. 11 months-ish. That's pretty good. 30 pounds. That's nice. That's a good weight

over that amount of time because it's gradual. And the only week I miss my fitness goals, I have to have 72 points of activity. And I only missed it one time I had the flu. What's a point of activity? What do you get? So if I go to Muay Thai at 9 And I only missed it one time I had the flu. What's a point of activity? What do you get?

So if I go to Muay Thai at 9, I only really, it's an hour class, but I only put 30 minutes down in Muay Thai training. If we do circuit training with a ball and ropes and shit, then I put whatever the amount. If it's eight stations at 30 seconds a station. Do you wear a heart rate monitor or anything? No, no, no, no. I don't want to hear.

Listen, I don't want to hear. I don't want to see. You know what? When I had that fucking ear infection, I used to have to work out with earplugs on. And I'd get high and go throw sidekicks for Jesus.

You don't know what life is. So when you had the ear infection, the earplugs kept your equilibrium in balance? No, it would keep sweat from going in my ear. You don't know what life is when you're working out. You can hear your heartbeat. That's trippy shit.

You know, Everlast has a ticker. He's got an artificial valve, and he puts the microphone up to his chest. You hear... No, I don't want to hear that shit. Like 60 Minutes? Like the beginning of 60 Minutes? Exactly.

Fuck you. It's trippy, man. He's had it in there for, what did he say, like 18 years, I think? Yeah, he had a heart attack a long-ass time ago. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. He had a bad valve.

Yeah, but if I was clean of off-wheat for 29 days, I might as well go for it for at least a year. Yeah, let's wrap back around to that. Why? And then make a comeback. I enjoy marijuana. Just make a comeback just to see what it would be like. I'll tell you one thing that did happen last year when we did Sober October and I took a month off.

When I started back again, I'd get nervous. I'd get real nervous. I'd get scared to do it and I'd go on stage. I'd feel real strange. Yeah. Somebody once told me, a great woman once told me that if you think getting high in life is weird, wait till you stop

getting high. And it's a different fucking adventure. And she's true in a lot of aspects. I called you one October 2nd, one night. I got home from the comedy store. You know when you get home from the original room, dog. Especially when you go. It was one of those nights when I went in there and I was rocked by a ball.

especially when you go, it was one of those nights when I went in there and I was rockin' by a bar. I just touched gloves and I measured and I just started going to the body for 15 minutes. I remember driving up Laurel Canyon going, what am I gonna do with myself? And I went home, it was like October 2nd, it was 11.30 and I started smoking reefer

to calm down a little bit. And I went down, I started with Sign of the Times by Prince and I just left it on autoplay and it just took me into a prince fucking cave and i ended up on beautiful ones when he starts singing do you want him and i called you up i'm like this is why i can't do sober october yeah because i get so high at night to come down off the stage. When you get off stage, you need something. And since I don't drink, I'm scared to come up that hill drinking. I have to smoke reefer to come down at night.

And music, that's the only thing that calms me down at night. Do you write at night after your sets? I write about what happens. Yeah, I try to write how lucky I am that I'm still performing at the store at 55. I write about that I ate a bag of dicks but i'll get them tomorrow night you know like whatever whatever just is flowing through my head while i have music on i'm drinking a water and i'm just i'll go on the back and fucking toke a fucking 22 hits off a pipe and i love listening to music at night that's my hobby it's a thing to like when you get out of the store it's a thing

to sit yourself down and make yourself work and write you know because you're like i'm done i did it got a good set in i'm good but that's the best time to write i think everything's popping well i'll go home and make corrections maybe i said that fuck too early or maybe i said that and i shouldn't have said it but uh no I won't try to write at night. I'm gone at night. I like to try, unless something's really funny. Because you're tired or? I think my brain is shot at night.

Is it because you already did your stand-up, you got ramped up? Did the stand-up, played with the fucking kid, you know, did a podcast, talked to people all day about shit that doesn't matter. I like to get up. I play with Mercy. I talk to my wife. I'll do a protein shake. I'll drop Mercy off.

I'll go home, and then I go to the coffee shop. And for 30 minutes, I'll call my peeps in Jersey, check in, and then I'll get eggs at the coffee shop baking. Once my breakfast is gone, I write my thought page down for the day. Then I take my iPad out, and I either write a chapter in the book, I try to write towards the book,

and while I'm writing the book... The book? You're writing a book right now? I'm trying, I'm trying. How long have you been doing this? 22 fucking years, Joe Rogan. 22 fucking years, you know. But I forced myself. And with the iPad, you know, there's a whole thing on, there's a whole writing thing.

So I could just turn that chapter off and go to another document and click on to post Netflix material. And then I got a thing that we're working on, Immigrant Mentality. So I think about that, I go to that. So now that's all great. I think just doing that exercise every day is good for me. I don't need to write comedy every day. I'd rather just go down to the store, throw something out there,

and fucking get excited. And like I told you, I'm not going anywhere else no more in Los Angeles. I'm going back to the store. No improv spots? Especially after I shot the Netflix special and everything. It all came to me after that,

that 10 years, and especially after she died. You know how people, you ever go to like an acting class and people refer to Stanislavski and all this shit? 10 years from now, people are going to be referring

to the Mitzi Shaw technique. There was something that every kind of, I was talking to Duncan about it, I talked to Ari about it. I know she said something to us at one point that we were like, wow, something. I remember I was telling this on my podcast that there was a time she didn't like you doing that in the cold bit in the main room.

Yeah, she hated it. She wouldn't let me do it in the main room yeah in the original how fucking crazy is that that's to show you her genius in a way like she was like joe you could light yourself on fire in the original room i don't give a fuck but in the main room you can't do that because you're killing my room like the comics afterward just could not follow it. Like they could just not follow it. That lesson right there. The bit was about... It was brilliant,

but it... Think about it. There's no good versions of that bit anywhere. This one version that I did that's up on you, it's terrible. It's a terrible version. There's no solid versions of that bit. But that bit was right when that guy died jay howard marshall he died and it was all about him getting anna nicole smith to do shit

to him before he died but father she's trying to take your money i don't give a fuck i want to get my balls licked or something like that crazy bit but mincy didn't like it too because she didn't like bits that were making fun of old people. Because, you know, her health was deteriorating, too. There was a couple of bits that she didn't like. This fucking picture of him. He's a million years old, and she's hot as the sun, and she's sitting on his lap. Look at him.

Look at the smile on his face, dog. Yeah, oh, man. I loved him. I loved that, man. I loved him. I loved that whole scene. I loved what it was. I loved it because it was so blatant. You know, it was just so blatant. But she didn't like that bit.

She didn't like the Hugh Hefner bit either. She didn't like that bit. When Hugh Hefner told those girls, look at him. She's kissing him. Oh, my Jesus Christ. He's in a wheelchair while she's marrying him. I mean, it was a damn classic. That scene of him and her getting married.

She's so young and so hot, and he's so old and wrecked and rich as fuck in a wheelchair. It's such a classic scenario. It was so good. You called her a Kentucky Fried Hooker. Yes. good. You called her a Kentucky Fried Hooker. Yes. I had him call her a Kentucky Fried Hooker. Right, right. If she wanted that money, she had to keep doing shit.

And then that shit. He's calling, Father, he's going. It's time. And he wakes up and he's like, it's time to lick my balls. It's time. Yeah, man. I just love the fact that that guy was that wealthy and yet still. I mean, I guess when you're that wealthy and that old.

What was he worth at that time? More than a billion dollars. Yeah, he was a billionaire. He was an oil magnate. Right? Wasn't he? I don't think she got the money, though. I think the kids fought her.

100 million? What? That's peanuts. It got her, Doug. Anna Colesman's daughter is now the fourth richest woman in the U.S. Daughter-in-law. It's what? Oh.

I don't know. No, it says 37 billion, though. That's the Koch brothers. Oh, Koch brothers. Oh, I see. I see. He was 69th on the list. Oh, but fourth richest woman.

Do you know out of the richest women in the world, Google the richest women in the world, like where they got their money from? It's rough. It's rough out there, guys. They ain't fucking starting businesses. They're marrying dummies. Really? Yes.

It's almost all of it is divorce. Almost all of it's divorce money. Feminists do not want to hear this, but there was one woman who was the richest woman ever from a startup company. Elizabeth, what

was her name? From Theranos? What was her name? Elizabeth something? Not Smith. What was it? holmes elizabeth holmes she had a ran a company called theranos she started herself dropped out of college to start this company and it was a total fraud it was all fraudulent she's going to jail forever she was worth 34 billion dollars at one point it was a blood testing company and what it was was they just take a prick of your blood instead of taking a bunch of your blood, or you get your blood drawn.

Her thing was like, let's just be able to take a prick of the blood, just a little tiny prick, like you go to a store, get a prick of your blood, and they're going to be able to do a battery test on you and find out what's going on. Problem was, it didn't fucking work. And they falsified all sorts of data, and they lied to investors and all sorts of shit. This lady, she used to dress like Steve Jobs. She wore a black turtleneck and everything. And I saw her speak once. Here it goes.

Elizabeth Holmes indicted on fraud. Oh, they got you with the fucking pop-up ad. New York Times. There she is. She's going to jail. She's fucked. Oh, I was. But she was at one point in time the richest self-made person in the world,

the richest self-made woman in the world. She was worth billions of dollars. The shit people do. I watched a thing they had down at Crazy Eddie. Do you remember Crazy Eddie? Yeah, Crazy Eddie. His prices are insane. Did you know what Crazy Eddie did? Well, tell everybody

who Crazy Eddie was. Crazy Eddie was a guy that had stores in all five boroughs of New York. Wholesale outlets. TVs. Stereos, TVs and everything like that. I saw, I was watching MSNBC, Greed. They have a series called Greed. There he is.

Let me hear this motherfucker. TVs, VCR, stereo systems Telephones Telephone answering machines Anything and everything In home entertainment And let the home appliances do Remember

We are not undersold We will not be undersold We cannot be undersold And we mean it Santa knows That the best meals in town Are at Crazy Eddie's During Crazy Eddie's

Christmas blowout blitz See Crazy Eddie now His prices are Insane He's wearing a Santa Claus outfit. He's going fucking crazy with fake snow in the background. He fucking, like, just, like, he, like, made it out of the park. Didn't he go to Israel?

He went to Israel to hide, to flee. But the most brilliant thing he did was he took either, don't fucking, you know, check fact me on this. He took it either his nephew, his son-in-law, somebody that he was related to through blood, put him through college so he could get a job at the IRS so they

could figure out how to rob from the IRS. This is how fucking insane this guy was. I'm watching this die and how they got Crazy Eddie. Oh, my God. Right. Crazy Eddie fled after he started just buying boxes.

You know how you, remember years ago you'd be driving in New York and there was some guy selling stereo speakers. Yeah. And then you'd take them home and it was two bricks. Yep. Well, he did the same thing to investors. He took boxes, filled them up with bricks, and just stocked them in a warehouse, and then he went public.

So he got everybody to come down and look at all his inventory and all these fact checkers. They're checking boxes with bricks in them. Whoa. And he had, I mean, five fucking warehouses all around. They were all fake, and he got all this money. He fled to Israel.

And he fled for a while, but they knew he was a pussy hound. Right? So they got him like Escobar style. They got him like, you know, on the phone, like I'm going to the store. Something crazy. And what they did was they put a blonde on the side of the road with a miniskirt. And they knew eventually he would drive by and stop. No.

And he stopped. That's how they nailed him. What is the, did you Google the richest women in the world, where they got their money from? Crazy Eddie, hold on. His prices are insane. He's a bad motherfucker, though. Paramus, Syosset, Queens, Long Island, come down. And he had commercials. He was the first one that pushed the commercial barrier.

Yeah, he made fun commercials. It was Imus and him. Like, Imus had the pimp with a bunch of his hoes that would go, did you hear what my man said this morning? Oh, really? Yeah, and he had a bunch of those. Crazy Eddie had the best one. He had Frankenstein, Dracula, and the

Wolfman peeing at the men's urinal. I missed the Imus thing, because I came in like, I remember I found out about Imus because Howard Stern was talking shit about him. And I was like, who is this Imus guy? Imus was around when I was a kid. Yeah, it was way, I got

in way late. Imus was already, Imus was around when I was a kid. Yeah, it was way, I got in way late. Imus was already, Imus was the fucking king of New York when I was eight, nine. Imus would come on in the morning and talk shit. When I saw him, he was wearing like a turquoise, one of those weird ties, those bolo ties that like cowboys wear and he had a fucking cowboy hat on and his whole Studio was done like well like the West it was real weird. Yeah, he got weird at the end He put it was really he's wearing cowboy boots and shit. It's like are you a rancher? Yeah, you're doing a fucking am radio show from New York City like poor. I miss got fucked up No, Panem. I mean he was on for a while. Remember he said nappy-headed hoes? And they're like, cut!

That's it. That was it. He called people nappy-headed hoes. Well, he tried to compete with Stern, right? That's what it was. It wasn't a something at the end. It was definitely some of that. Something of that. You know, he was trying to be outrageous even before Stern, I believe. It just wasn't at the same level.

Stern's outrageousness was nationwide. IMS was really like an East Coast thing. People knew about him in New York. I never heard about him in New York or in Boston, but I had heard about Stern. We all knew about Stern, but nobody really knew about it. It never made it there. And then when I came to New York, it was at the end when Stern was already the king,

and Imus was just sort of like this guy that he hated. And I was like, who is this I man? Like, who is this Imus guy? And then they had a TV show for a while. And then during the TV show, you'd see him in the studio and it was, you know, no disrespect, but it was really fucking boring. It was boring.

Like there was no life to them. Like their opinions weren't that interesting. It was him. And then there was another guy there that looked like he was just waiting for the fucking no life to them. Their opinions weren't that interesting. It was him and then there was another guy there that looked like he was just waiting for the fucking buzzer to ring. He's waiting to go home. Then there was a woman that was with him. There was no life in the room. If you watched the Stern show, there would be

midgets shooting bottle rockets out of their assholes and porn stars riding dildos. It was chaos. There was plastic all over the ground because the girls would be squirting. It was just madness. Not that that's good or bados and it was chaos there was plastic all over the grounds girls would be squirting it was just madness like no one had ever done not that that's good or bad but it was it was exciting like you're driving to work in the morning you're hearing some girl freaking out because she's riding on some that sibian thing he'd make girls ride on and like that it was madness so

like that that like you had never heard anything like that on the radio before. So then you would hear about Imus. And Imus was like, well, what do we got here this morning? Oh, this is a happy-headed host. You're like, what? Yeah, he tried to just be at the end. It was just in comparison. It was so dead.

It was like it was dry. Kennison on Stern was great. Oh, God, he was amazing. Fucking Flava Flav, the one time on Stern. I mean, there's so many great Sterns. Artie was so great back then. Artie was the best back then, man. Artie was fucking amazing.

If you listen to an old Artie one, when he had just gotten off the subway, he just shot heroin. God knows where. He'd had sunglasses on. Yeah, he'd fall asleep. That shit was fucking insane. And he said that they encouraged him, but man, what are you going to do when a guy's like that? Are you going to help him? The problem with people that are that fucked up is the only thing that ever helps them is themselves.

The only thing. It's like they have to hit rock bottom and then they have to decide they're going to do something about it. But when you do get a lot of love for being fucked up, that is kind of a problem. Because you do start to think, this is my thing. My thing is being a fucked up guy. People love me when I'm fucked up. This is what I do. And you can fall into that.

Belushi had the same problem. Yep. The other guy got arrested. So I had the same problem There's a niche you fall into. I remember there's a pizza parlor when I was a kid. His name was Nick the Greek Fucking tremendous pizza, even though he was Greek like we let it slide He put the Sicilian by the window and there was the flies would land on it It was like the airport for the flies they were laying we would break his balls neck But I'm in my one and an equate one night fucked up to the gills with vomit all over my shirt And every time he'd see me call me fucking Balushi That's blue. She almost died. It was and he would have four years

He called me fucking Balushi and there was another kid who had a beard and he called him ayatollah kumani like he had nicknames for us but that's a weird it bothered me after a while he would call me balushi and when balushi died it really started bothering me like am i next he would call me balushi to my face look who it is fucking balushi whoa i was fucked up i went in there one night on a quaalude and opened up the red pepper and threw it at him Whoa. nick jewelry and he would look at me and he'd go speak how much do you think that's worth because jewelry was 800 an ounce at that time gold and i would bring him jewelry he would look at it and then take it give me money and put it in one of his pockets from his apron so two days later i'd go in there and go nick let me use your bathroom and i go in there and stick my hand in the apron

and take the jewelry back and then a week later i go in there and stick my hand in the apron and take the jewelry back. And then a week later, I'd go back to him. Nick, how much for the ring? And he'd look at me. And he was racist as fuck. Like, he would either call me Belushi or Spick to my face like it didn't matter. There was a kid. You know, this is on Kennedy Boulevard. This is a big boulevard.

And there was a kid that would come in there. And I'm still dear friends with him. That his family had money. And he would go in there and buy a slice of pizza. But he would cross the street because the iced tea across the street was a dime cheaper. Remember when iced tea came in those fucking cardboard and milk cardboards? Yeah. He would always cross the street.

So Nick would be having a conversation. I was like, what's going on? And all of a sudden he'd go, what's? And we'd go, he went across the street to get the ice cream. He would fucking flip out. He'd run from behind the counter, run onto Kennedy Boulevard. Hundreds of people would be out there. And he'd yell at the kid, Tony, you fucking Jew.

You fuck you fucking Jew. The kid wasn't Jewish. He was Italian. He was just cheap and shit like that. That's it. Ten cents. You've got to be pretty cheap to run across the street for ten cents. It was 45 cents for the iced tea, but at Hashway's it was 35 cents.

And he would run across the street. Then the Hashway's deli was great because the mother was losing her hair. So every time you got a sandwich, you get a little piece of hair in your food. So you wouldn't get hair. You'd go, Ms a sandwich, you get a little piece of hair in your food. So you wouldn't get hair, you'd go, Ms. Hash, you didn't get any of your hair today. Everything had a little piece of hair in it, the macaroni salad, and you ate it. Who gave a fuck?

It was tremendous. She made the best roast beef on rye in the world. But every, no, in fact, the whole family, her and her son were losing their hair. And I learned from her son, like her son was losing his hair but he couldn't control his emotions about it he went to everything Joe

he did the fucking stitches he would spray paint his hair he was one of those guys the hat like he tried but the hair just kept falling out he had the male pattern we were kids but the mom had it too. The mom had it.

Maybe it was something in the house. I don't know what it was. Fucking nuclear testing. And the dad had it and the brother had it and fucking everything you got there had a little piece of hair on it, dog. Whatever you got always had hair. If you didn't get hair, you were like beat. You're like, Ms. Hash, what's up? No hair today.

Did you say it to her face? Oh, we used to torture her all the time. We loved Mrs. Hash, what's up? No hair today. Did you say it to her face? Oh, we used to torture her all the time. Oh, no. We love Mrs. Hash. There's something about a dude losing his hair, it's fucking devastating. But a woman losing her hair, way more devastating. There's something about a woman, women losing their hair, it kills them. Really?

Oh, it's so sad. Yeah. I've seen women lose their hair. It's awful. You know, they get alopecia you know alopecia is weird like you could lose your eyebrows you know people lose their eyebrows they lose like sometimes shit just starts falling off i had there's a singer there's a popular singer in a band and he's got alopecia and i just saw it they busted him out 30 years later you didn't know

that was a wig even then and i knew about him growing up that he would just lose his hair you know from time to time some guys lose their eyelashes they lose everything that's fucked up it's crazy yeah and i'm getting older like my hairline is receding but my eyeline is getting bushier your eyebrows eyebrows get some crazy eyebrows bro they're getting bushier as shit yeah sometimes i'm driving at night And there's something in my vision And I gotta go home And I gotta fucking

Chop an eyebrow It's like a satellite I go I ask my wife Don't you see this shit Yeah old guys It's like old Scottish guys Old Irish guys

Scottish guys They got fucking Caterpillars growing Out of their eyebrows I got no hair on my legs I got minimal hair On my shoulders I got no hair on my legs. I got minimal hair on my shoulders. I got no hair on my back.

I'm one of those guys. Yeah, you don't have any hair on your arms, anything either. Nothing, nothing. I got hair that grows out of my ears. This time, that's just a Q-tip in my ear, and I can hear the hair twisting in my fucking ear. You know what that's like?

My eyebrows, bro, get bushy as fuck. I got to bring scissors with me on the road to trim my... Because in your mirror at home, you don't got to bring scissors with me on the road to trim my nose. In your mirror at home, you don't see this shit. You get on the road with light in the hotel room, and you're like, look at this fucking hair growing out of my nose. Did you find out about the women with the investments?

Yeah, I was waiting to. Oh, good. From Newsweek in July. Okay, what does it say? It's like right here. Upper echelons of money and power, blah, blah, blah. According to Forbes, the world's 15 wealthiest people are men. Women only make up 10% of the top 100.

Separate wealthiest women in the world. Most of their money comes from their male relatives or husbands. Yeah. The top 10 wealthiest men made their fortunes themselves. Now, who are the top 10 wealthiest women that their fortunes themselves now who are the top 10 wealthiest women that didn't get it from divorce Oprah's gotta be up there the first self made woman on the list

is wow I don't know how to say this woman's name Z-H-O-U that's one word Q-U-N-F-E-I Zou Kunfi who was born to a poor family in China, dropped out of school at 16. She went on to found an enormously successful technology company. But if you put men back into the equation, she's only 198th richest person in the world.

No matter how you feel about the concept of few people hoarding enormous wealth, the notion that women can only access money and power through their families or husbands seems medieval at best. Yet we see it occur at the very top of many professions outside of the business world. Yeah, it's

most people. Can you read the next stuff? Yeah, a recent high-profile example is Hillary Clinton. During her presidential campaign, the first female major party nominee, she campaigned on a ticket of empowerment. Yet, although she is accomplished in her own right, she entered politics as the wife of Bill Clinton and has undoubtedly benefited from his prestige and connections. Yeah, well, that's true, but she also was a lawyer. I thought it was about money. I didn't mean for you to read that.

She was a lawyer and, you know, she was a senator. Now Oprah's up there as the world's richest woman, period, like that. I've made it on their own. That's a weird thing because they're saying – I'm not a big fan of Hillary Clinton, but by saying – she definitely entered because she was, you know, she was married to him, but she was a lawyer. I mean, she's an accomplished person. She's educated, accomplished. She was a senator.

I don't think that makes sense. I hate when people say to me, you know what? You're at the right place at the right time, bitch. And you jumped. And you jumped. Yeah. You jumped, bitch. So that's the problem.

I'm not mad at nobody. You can't say she got into problems. Yeah. You jumped, bitch. So that's the problem. I'm not mad at nobody. You can't say she got into it. Yeah, she may be a little help or push here or call here, but she jumped. There's a great book I'm reading right now. It's called Outliers by Malcolm McDowell. It's fucking great. And it's all about what makes people successful and why they were successful. And there are a lot of factors, man.

There's a lot of factors in when you were born. Like a lot of it, he goes on about hockey players, about professional hockey players, that almost all of them were born at a certain time so that they were at the end of the age cutoff. So like say if you're between 10 and 11 when you go into, what is that, fifth grade? If you're one of the oldest kids, you have a way better chance of being successful at hockey because your body is more mature than whether you're one of the youngest kids that goes into sixth grade. So whether you're fifth grade or sixth grade, like what year you were born is a big factor.

is a big factor. So the kids that were born later, so that they're older, rather, the kids that are older when they enter into the fifth grade or sixth grade, they're across the board unanimously. All the top-level professionals were all older kids in younger grades. So that they're playing against smaller kids. They get more time. They're better.

So they get more coaching. They get more time. They're better, so they get more coaching. They get more hours playing. There's a lot of factors. There's a lot of factors in, like, one of the things about Bill Gates, there's a whole great chapter on Bill Gates and about when Bill Gates was young, the school that he went to had a computer class that allowed him to do coding, and then he got into the University of Washington.

They would let him get into their computer room from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. They had this open block. So him and his friends would sneak into that place at 3 o'clock in the morning. So all these different factors that lead to someone being super successful, it's not just that you work hard. It's sometimes you get these weird advantages in life. There's a bunch of things. Like for sure, hard work plays a factor.

If you don't do nothing, you just sit around and woe is me and cry and think the world's fucked. You're not going anywhere. But the people that make it to the very top, the Bill Gates, the Steve Jobs, they have a bunch of things going for them. It's not just hard work. It's also circumstance, fortune, where they are, who's around them, who encourages them.

There's a bunch. What time they were born and what age they were when certain things happened in the world. There's a bunch of factors. But for all those chicks, it's just marrying the right dude. Getting divorced. Getting paid.

I know a lady who just got paid from a divorce and she's just shooting shit into her face and banging 20-year-olds now. It's hilarious. She's in her late 40s banging 20-year-old dudes. It's hilarious. She's in her late 40s, banging 20-year-old dudes. How rough must that push be?

It's funny, man. To cut that check. For the guy? Yeah, that's rough. I've known guys. I knew a guy who cut a check for somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 million.

Yeah, to his ex. I know a guy who cuts a check for $30 grand a month, G. $30 grand a month. Oh, I know a couple guys who pay that. And that was not beside the half million up front. Oh, yeah. The house. Yep.

Two cars. He just walked away. I know a guy who's paying close to to that and he hasn't even seen his wife He's been married to a new woman a different woman for 14 years At least yeah 14 years and he was only married to that lady for 12 and he still cut her checks and no kids He's got kids with a new woman. The old woman, no kids. Still cutting her fat checks. Tries to bring it to court.

Try to reduce the amount of money. She fights him tooth and nail. You son of a bitch, you left me. He left her 14 fucking years ago, man. They were only together for 12 years. It's like she doesn't want to work. He fucked her so hard she can't work anymore. It's crazy.

If it was a man, if the situation was reversed and a guy was dating a girl and they were dating for 12 years and she's like, I'm tired of this. I'm going to go fuck some new dude. And the guy took her to court, got money from her and wanted money still 14 years later. What kind of a fucking man would that be?

Like, get a job. Go do something with your life. You are a human being. You met another human being. You spent some time with them. They don't want to be with you anymore. It's over. Like, there's no children to take care of.

What do you tell the judge that you want your lifestyle, right? The lifestyle that you were accustomed to. I want to maintain my lifestyle, judge. I like to buy nice purses. I like to walk my little dog. I like to put him in a little purse. Now, in California, there's different factors also. You have to be with that person for 10 years or something, right?

There's little factors. There's a couple by the ways. There's factors, and they change depending upon the laws, and they change depending upon how much money you make. My friend was pretty wealthy He did well, but the guy who I know that had to pay 50 million dollars. He's real successful obviously That I mean you got to make a lot of money to give your wife 50 million But he still had to give her 50 million. I see the kid listen. I see the kid point zero, baby I see that I see the child support point and I see a little bit of help.

There's the list. Here's the unique one. Oh, Madonna's divorce from Guy Ritchie estimated $76 to $92 million. She had to give him? I mean, she's the first woman listed first on this list. Damn. She had to give him $76 million? Way to go, Guy Ritchie.

I'd like to have him back here. Now I know how you buy those suits, motherfucker. Now what's his name? Pace, the singer from Bush. Look at this. Michael Jordan's divorce from Juanita Jordan, 168 million. Mel Gibson's divorce in 2006 after 26 years. 425 million.

God damn. Stop scrolling. look at this jesus christ steve winn's divorce 2020 1 billion oh my goodness oh my goodness steve winn. Rupert Murdoch's divorce in 1999 after 31 years of marriage, $1.7 billion. Neil Diamond, $150. Harrison Ford, $118 million. Whoa, Harrison Ford had to give up the cheddar. Steven Spielberg, $100 million. I remember that one. That girl was an actress, and she fucking vanished.

Kevin Costner, 80 million. James Cameron, Linda Hamilton, 50 million. Michael Douglas. Paul McCarthy. That's the chick that was missing the leg, right? Heather Mills. Yeah, that's a dark one, man. That's a dark one, man.

That woman was mean. She was nasty, man. Yeah, there's a lot of them. Mick Jagger. $15 million, $25 million. He got off light. Bro, Mick Jagger. Because remember, he fucking married in Jamaica and it was like a Puerto Rican priest on his

day off. So he knew it going in because Mick Jagger ain't giving you dick. I think that was Jerry Hall. I think that was Jerry Hall. Who's that? His wife number two. Who's this one? That's Bianca Jagger. The first one. The first one. The first one he had to pay. The second one he's like, listen, we're gonna

work around this one. Oh yeah, he don't fuck around. That guy, before he was in the Stones, Jamie, what's the school he went to? Don't make me say something wrong. He went to the School of Wales or something for business. He's all about the cheddar.

For the last 15 years, he's just been impregnating women all over the country and cutting them a check and saying, you know. London's School of Economics. No, no, no. Listen, when it comes to, bro, when it comes to there's stories that you

hear that you're like no he didn't like no he did not what a drag it is getting old do you ever see any of his rehearsal things do you ever see any of his videos do you follow him at all I follow him

do you see any of the videos that he does of him working out in the afternoons at 72 years old? Oh, he works out hard, man. Like him dancing still like Michael Jackson. Works out twice a day. That guy does not fuck around. No.

And I still remember one particular story where he got to Boulder. They played the Boulder Buffalo where the college plays. And he walked in and he goes, what's wrong with those seats? And they were like, well, Mr. Jagger, they're behind the stage. Bitch, you better get to sell them. Because I ain't taking the stage until those motherfuckers are sold out. He sold the tickets behind the stage? Mick Jagger's brutal. They could pay for my ass.

They could pay for my ass. Mick Jagger's brutal, bro. He's brutal. And that was back before they had those giant screens. There was no giant TV screens. This is 88? They didn't have those giant screens back then. This is brutal, bro. He's brutal. And that was back before they had those giant screens. There was no giant TV screens. This is 88th? They didn't have those giant screens back then. This is 88, 87.

They don't give a fuck. They didn't have those big LCDs where you could see them. Like, if you go see, like, say, Drake, and he's at a theater and around, and, like, you see his butt. Right. Like, you're going to see his face on giant screens all around you. You'll see it, you know? gonna see his face on giant screens all around you you'll see it you know if you you go to see like a real popular person and they're a lot of people playing in the round you know mick jagger's an interesting guy i don't think he's like very tight watches his giedas tight you know he's just

like how much time does he have left though i? I mean, he's like 76, right? No, 72 maybe. 72? Bro. 75? Yeah, yeah. He's like 75. How much time do you got left? If he keeps...

If you're lucky, everything goes great. You got 25 years. But those last 25 are rough. Not with what he's got. Because he could just lay there all day, have young girls massage him. He's Mick Jagger, dog. They could just blow on his little nutsack and sing fucking...

He's probably getting blood transfusions every day. Yeah, no, he takes good care. He's the backbone of the organization. Look at him. He's the backbone of the organization. And just to think that Keith Richards is still alive and ticking, and there's people out there doing CrossFit.

And didn't Keith Richards write a book where he's kind of shitty about Mick Jagger? He just told, you know... They kind of talk shit about each other, right? That's how they sell books, dog. Yeah, I know. That's how they sell... Mick Jagger probably called him and said,

do this to this man. Tell the truth. Fuck it. Give me 10%. And when I watch those little rehearsal tapes look at look at his fingers look at those fingers we're looking at uh keith richard keith richard's fingers his every knuckle is swollen to the point it's like double the size he looks like he's got megaton diaz's hands he's like like a jujitsu guy you ever got megaton diaz's hands he's like a like a jujitsu guy you ever

seen megaton diaz's hands yeah they're big fucking mackenzie dern's dad the girl who wrote the made that video yeah making fun of you it's hilarious you like that yeah after you but her dad megaton diaz jujitsu legend all his life he's done the gi guys who do the gi all the time they develop real bad arthritis in their hands and their joints swell up like crazy see if you find megaton diaz's hands that's not a good picture that's but there's there's some pictures of his his knuckles they're they're they're crazy they're all fucked up and twisted like yeah these tell a little bit there there you go zoom in on his knuckles i didn didn't know he was Mackenzie Dern's dad. Yeah.

Her dad is a fucking legend. Look, zoom in on his hands. That's as much as I could go. Oh, that's as much as it goes. But you see how fucking flamed out those knuckles are? Guys have done the gi their whole life, and they're always grabbing and holding on to that gi. They get that.

Yeah, that's okay. We get the point. But that's what Keith Richards' fingers look like. Like he's secretly doing jiu-jitsu on the slide. But that's 40 years of playing the guitar. Look at those fucking fingers, man. That is crazy. That's guitar playing.

40 years, 50 years. Meanwhile, he looks just as good as Mick Jagger. He's doing blow every day, eating cockroaches, smoking cigarettes. I don't think he looks as good as Mick Jagger. Look, they look great. I don't think he looks just as good as Mick Jagger. He's doing blow every day, eating cockroaches, smoking cigarettes. I don't think he looks as good as Mick Jagger. Look, they look great. I don't think he looks as good. I think Mick Jagger looks fucking sensational. But he doesn't in the face.

If you look at the two of them in the face, make that picture bigger, Jimmy. Look at them in the face. Mick Jagger looks older. But that's just, it's hard to tell because Keith Richards is smiling. I would love to see Mick Jagger still pull 21-year-olds out of the audience. I bet they feel so weird when he fucks them. It must feel so weird. If I was a girl, I was 20 years old, I would fuck Mick Jagger just for the story.

But when he climbs on top of you and you smell death, you smell it coming out of his pores. He's not. he's just old he's a bad just bad cells you smell misfiring cells all over the place 70 year old people didn't look like that 70 year old people were not going on the road they weren't dancing like that weren't touring like that that's something that you have to, and this is a new thing. You have to, you know what? Well, it's a new thing. All these bands, first of all, all these bands that are going out. I mean, there's six.

Ozzy, how about somebody called me the other day and they're like, hey, man, I'm thinking of doing something New Year's Eve downtown. You know I hate New Year's Eve. Right. And I hate downtown even more. Fucking Ozzy Osbourne's doing the forum. New Year's Eve. Ozzy Osbourne. The Western Forum? The only forum

I fucking know in LA. In Englewood? Yeah, with Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson. Oh. And I'm sitting there going 70 years old and he's doing New Year's Eve at the fucking forum. Probably got to. He's probably got to.

His wife probably tells him. Fuck out of the house. Go. Make my knee. Make my knee. New Year's Eve at the forum, Joe. They connect his ankles together with rubber bands so he can't make big steps. Ever see how he walks?

Is that true or are you just goofing around me? You trying to pull a Mickey on me? Remember when Mickey made fucking Rocky? Tie your legs together. Tie your legs together. It's the same problem Rocky had. Rocky Manziano had. His legs were

too wide. Tell me you saw the trailer for Creed. For Creed. The first one was good. Did you watch it? I told you. Tell me you saw the trailer for Creed. The first one was good. Did you watch it? I told you. I called you and said, watch it. It's not an Academy Award winner. No.

That's a decent movie. You know, man, for years, I don't know. I don't know how I felt about Sylvester Stallone. I'm a fan. I just didn't. Then I went to your house that time, and your wife was goofing on you, and she's like, I think he's in love with Sylvester Stallone. I always say Sylvester Stallone's a canary in a coal mine.

You're like, look at him. You had a picture of his phone when he was 65. Jacked. He was just jacked. Yeah. Yeah, I like all that shit and stuff. And then I was on a plane, and I said, let me watch this Creed. And I had tears in my eyes.

Aw. Because I'm like, this guy has got no respect for years. Like, you look at him now. People goofed on him and shit. Dog, he wrote two or three. He had his whole back done? Look at that. Wow, look at that.

Like, zooming on his back. Wow, I didn't know he had his whole back done. That's crazy. Like, this guy wrote a fucking two or three franchises. Yeah. Like, this guy started, like, the other day they had some things about facts about a guy. Like, he was fucking broke. He had to sell his dog.

He had to do all this shit for him to make Rocky. Yeah, look at that picture right there. Yeah, look at this guy. Jacked. 71. Jacked. 71. Jacked. Fucking jacked. When I saw that commercial for the first one with Creed, I was like, I'm not watching this shit.

And then, AMC lately, every Sunday or something, they throw a Rocky on, and you say, what the fuck? I got 10 minutes before world news tonight. And you start watching it, and you see the brilliance of what this man has done. It's brilliant. It's just completely brilliant.

Whether it's cheesy with three, when he gets beat up, and Apollo Creed takes him to the ghetto, and makes them look at brothers, and they teach him how brothers. Look how big Dolph Lundgren is. Oh, and now. And then Creed, that kid, by the way, is a badass motherfucker. Michael Johnson. Oh. And then Black Panther. Michael B.

And then Black Panther. Jesus Christ. Him and the other guy are fucking superb. But this now. And you look at it and you're like, me and you at the store behind it, you would say to me, really, Joe Diaz? He's gonna fight the Russian, son. I could've

wrote that idea on a fucking... It's still huge. It's still coming out Thanksgiving Day. This guy is coming out. It's gonna be huge! It's gonna be huge! I'll be there front and center at one o'clock. What's crazy is that franchise started in the 70s

70s He made Rocky 1 in the 70s I remember I watched it when I was a little kid I drank raw eggs And I ran around the block Like I just listened to a David Goggins Fucking motivational speech I just uh I read about this

When they first started shooting this He told them to hit him for real, and he put him in the ICU for nine days. Dolph Lundgren. He said to try to knock him out. What? Why would he do that? I don't know. Dolph Lundgren was a legit Kyokushin karate champion.

Dolph Lundgren's a bad motherfucker, like legitimate bad motherfucker. He did a bunch of those crazy action movies, and he played the Punisher and all that stuff. But that guy was a legit karate champion. He's a bad motherfucker, Dolph Lundgren. I would not want that guy hitting me. So what's this one called? Lundgren put me in the hospital during Rocky IV. Why would he let him hit him?

Well, you know who else knocked him? Antonio Tarver knocked Sylvester Stallone out when he was doing that movie where he was still boxing. Remember? Just a few years ago, he was in his fucking 60s, and he was boxing in one of those movies. He fought Antonio Tarver, Magic Man Tarver, who was a heavyweight champion, light heavyweight champion, knocked out Roy Jones Jr. Remember when he stood in front of Roy Jones? Roy Jones goes, got any excuses tonight, Roy? And then he knocked him out.

Antonio Tarver's a bad motherfucker. And apparently when they were doing scenes in a movie, he clipped him and KO'd him. Here's the quick story. He said for the first 45 seconds he tried to really knock him out. He hit him so hard his chest started to swell, his heart started to swell, his blood pressure went up. Had to go back on an emergency jet to America. He was in ICU for five days.

Whoa. And the insurance company would not pay out. Now I'm in intensive care for five days with nuns walking around. Insurance company would not pay out after they saw the footage of the incident. Once they did, they wrote the check. He hit my heart so hard it banged against my ribs and started to swell. And that usually happens in car accidents. So I was hit by a truck.

That is ridiculous. Sloan also talks about why he hated Lundgren from the get-go. They're friends now. Probably because he's a big, handsome fellow from fucking Norway or where the hell he's from. Where's he from? Dolph Lundgren with that name. Sweden, I think. He's from some lab.

Yeah, he's like Gustafsson's cousin. Yeah. He's like Alistair Gustafsson's cousin or something. Yeah, Sweden. Sweden. He's a legit bad motherfucker, though. I didn't know that he was a Kyokushin guy. Yes.

I didn't even know he was a- He was a karate champion. Yeah. I think he was a national champion. Kyokushin's no joke, man. Those fucking guys, that's a hard style. Very hard style. That's GSP also.

Masayama. Isn't it? Yeah. Isn't that GSP style also? Yep. Kyokushin? I think Masayama's Kyokushin. I'm pretty sure.

They're really hard-hitting motherfuckers. It's a very hard style. The punches, yep. Kyokushin? I think Masayama's Kyokushin, pretty sure. They're really hard-hitting motherfuckers. It's a very hard style. The punches, yeah. Leg kicks, a lot of wheel kicks. What they do in the tournaments, Kyokushin tournaments, they'd punch to the body, full blast, but kick to the legs, the head, the body, and they'd stand right in front of each other

and beat the fuck out of each other. It's horrific. It's kind of the opposite of... Taekwondo was a lot of kicks and punches only to the body too, but Kyokushin they threw leg kicks

in there and there wasn't a lot of footwork with most of those guys. Most of those guys stood in front of each other and battered each other. But a lot of Kyokushin guys went on to be really successful in kickboxing. In fact, a lot of Kyokushin guys went on to be really successful in kickboxing. In fact, a lot of the Holland influence in kickboxing came from a Kyokushin background. Like, they started out with Kyokushin and kickboxing, and then they learned Thai techniques as well.

But a lot of those guys had an influence of Kyokushin karate. Very big in Europe. It's crazy. When I first started in martial arts, the big thing was the sweep. Sweep the leg. In the early 70s, everybody swept. You fake two high kicks, and even if it was a spinning back kick,

the third one was a sweep, and that motherfucker was gone. I used to go to all those karate tournaments, and that was my shit. I'd throw two high spinning back kicks at you. I didn't even want them to hit. Sweeps are legit. And nobody sweeps anymore.

Nobody sweeps. Oh, they still do in MMA. In Muay Thai, it's big. A little bit. A little bit in MMA, but not as much as I'd expect. A good sweep with a good fucking leg, if you set him up, a good old-fashioned sweep. I mean, what's his name? Has that little sweep the leg, push your back, you know, your boy here. Jon Jones?

No, the other guy. Jon Jones has it too. Yeah. All those wrestlers have that little. Gaston Bolaños does that shit a lot. Yeah, all that little sweep. I like that little sweep. But I'm talking about from the fighter's position to just come into you with a sweep and throw your legs out from under you.

It takes a bunch of fake, so I'm here with you. It's basically off, like, ba-ba-ba, and instead of the elbow coming around, your leg comes around and sweeps that guy off his feet. He lands on his back, and you attack with your left. There's still some guys that are really good at sweeps. The thing about MMA is just there's so many different things going on. But in Muay Thai, sweeps are huge in Muay Thai. It's a big part of the sport.

That's why I got Gaston Balanos, who fights in Bellator. He's so high level in Muay Thai. Now he's getting into MMA. He's fucking guys up. Not just with sweeps, spinning elbows, all sorts of shit. His level of Muay Thai.

Muay Thai involves a lot of grappling, a lot of weird stuff. I remember listening to Kenny Florian one time, and he goes that Muay Thai even has a couple aspects from jiu-jitsu in it, I guess, not jiu-jitsu, but something else. Greco-Roman. Greco-Roman when you grab behind it. They're always clinching.

There's a lot of clinch work, and those guys develop really strong cores and necks. They grab each other by the back of the neck, and they're moving each other around, sweeping each other all the time. There's so much involved in framing with your forearms and sweeping the legs out and twisting and changing angles. It's a great—when you learn the other aspects of wrestling, when you learn takedowns and control,

and then when you learn jiu-jitsu and all these other, like having that background from the clinch from Muay Thai is so gigantic because so many different things open up from there. Elbows open up from there. Knees to the body open up from there. You wrestled in high school, G? I wrestled one year in high school. Why didn't you wrestle all four? Because I was still

doing Taekwondo at the time, and I had to figure out what was more, you know, what was more important to me. I couldn't do both. It was just too exhausting. I didn't like that wrestling shit. Mr. Tabachino, he used to have that fucking weight room down to like 190. They were

doing Hatha Yoga before Hatha Yoga was invented. That room stunk and it was hotter than death in there. I was always thinking there was asbestos coming off the ceiling too. I was like, what is covering these pipes? No one's checked these pipes. I'm like, I don't want cancer. What is happening in this wrestling room?

All those fucking schools had asbestos in it. We breathed asbestos. I ate paint chips in kindergarten. All the water had lead. If it didn't have lead, you'd be like, what? I went to the park yesterday with my daughter. And there was a lady next to me. And she asked me where I was from.

And she goes, her father was from Brooklyn. And we started talking. And she had a beautiful little two-year-old. And the two-year-old got caught on one of the monkey bars. And the father had to go over and help her. And she goes, I remember going up to my father's neighbor and seeing his play yard. There were nothing like these.

And I go, I still remember coming from Cuba and doing that, you know, the monkey bars. But then you get so good that you put your legs up and you hang by your knees. And one day, bro, I didn't hang right, and I landed on that concrete. There was no rubber in those days. It was just straight up concrete.

Half the first grade, I fucking twitched. I twitched half the first grade. I landed right on my fucking neck. I never got on a monkey bar again. Monkey bars break a lot of kids. I don't fuck around with monkey bars at all, Doug. I broke my arm in a monkey bar. My daughter broke her arm in a monkey bar.

Another kid in my daughter's class broke her arm in a monkey bar. How do you break your arm in a monkey bar. My daughter broke her arm in a monkey bar. Yeah. Another kid in my daughter's class broke her arm in a monkey bar. How do you break your arm in a monkey bar? Fall down. Try to catch yourself. Post your arm. Snap. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

It's real common. Monkey bars are fucking dangerous because you don't have the hand strength yet. You're six years old. So you're grabbing a hold of bars and you're swinging. You just don't really have the dexterity, the hand strength. And it slips six years old. So you're grabbing a hold of bars and you're swinging. You just don't really have the dexterity of the hand strength. And it slips and you fall back and you post and snap.

You gotta see my daughter on that monkey bar. She does it until her hands bleed, dog. She gets little blisters. The mother's gotta put band-aid on. Your daughter's fierce. She's a fierce little girl. Yeah, I like that about her. She's fierce.

I take it to her. I put a lot of time into that shit. It's really weird because of the Kavanaugh situation and the Harvey Weinstein situation. You're a dad. I'm a dad. It's different in how you got to raise your daughter now. This has affected me in a way. The Kavanaugh thing was pissing me off for a few weeks.

Now this has affected me in a way the Cavanaugh thing was pissing me off for a few weeks Because I don't like the idea that They could come back to you for something you did in high school that that's just not right in my world Unless I fucked you in the ass in high school and covered your mouth. I didn't do nothing You know I think that was the thing he did do though He did cover covered him out or whatever, but who knows what really happened nobody knows and nobody knows nobody knows so it was 36 years ago yeah i know for a fact i've known you for 20 and i've seen you sweeten up over the years we all change you're not the same joe rogan i met 20 years ago i'm definitely not the same guy i was in high school that's for sure come on dog please but he was But he was a guy that was hanging around with a bunch of drunk jocks.

And we all remember drunk jocks. Yeah. You know. And that environment, that sort of environment of being around a bunch of drunk guys who are constantly one-upping each other, that's a sketchy fucking environment. And that's frat houses. Well, the Yale thing scared me. That's when I thought, you know, those guys, they're rich boy kids, dog.

You know what happens when they get a little bit of money. Everything's been covered up all their lives. Everything's been covered up all their lives, you know. When I was a kid, I knew this girl. They used to call her Mindy Head. And on Friday nights, they'd get in the car and they'd drive her to, like, fucking Connecticut and tell her she had to suck all their dicks to get home. God knows who that poor girl is today.

Last time I saw her was 1993 getting coke in a building in Harlem. And she's like, you got to save me. I'm with some guy in a car. He doesn't want to leave me alone. I'm like, listen, bitch, I'm walking to my car. I never saw you before in my life. I swear to God, I bumped into her in a cop house on 181st Street 10 years after high school. I'm in the fucking fourth floor with some Dominicans.

I'm walking down the stairs, and there's Mindy Head. And she's like, what are you doing here? The same thing you're fucking doing here, obviously. What's fucked up is for some people, their experiences in high school define them. I just watched that uh stephen king movie it the the most recent one with the clown yeah pretty fucking good but one of the things that i was thinking when i was watching it was like how fucking mean kids are in school to each other i get you kind of forget about that and then you watch one of those movies about people

being mean to people. And you're like, oh, yeah, I remember going around to get away from a guy that was picking on me. That was fucking with me. And you would be scared of running into him at the bus stop. And scared of seeing him after school. And that's why I got into martial arts in the first place. I got tired of being scared. Scared of people.

I was in martial arts when I was still fucking scared. I was scared too afterwards. The funniest thing about the movie it was that they fuck with clowns. So two months later, a bunch of clowns got together and went on strike. They went downtown and they had a parade. When? Not a parade. What do you call it when people get together and they fucking have signs?

This is recently? This is right after that movie was released. In 2017. Whenever that movie was released, a month later, two months later, a bunch of clowns in the California area got together downtown and picketed Stephen King because they were losing work as clowns. Oh, Christ. Because they had lost a bunch of clowns, got canceled. They lost all their clown season work or some shit i read the book a long time which one it i remember i was like man how are they gonna make a movie out of

this and they made a movie out of it way back in the day with john boy from the waltons remember the dude with the mole on his face he had a ponytail in it i watched it the other night on tv just flipping through the channels it was on and was after, a couple days after I'd seen the most recent version of it. It was hilariously bad. It was so stupid. But it was John Boy with the Waltons. It might have been, how many versions of that It movie did they make? Was it just two?

The first one, was the first one with Tim, the guy from the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well, that was who the clown was. Yeah, it was so stupid. It wasn't scary at all. I mean, not even remotely. But the new one was pretty fucking scary. Well, Stephen King, dog, is a fucking crazy motherfucker. We both read on writing.

Yeah, it's a great book. And we both, did you see him on Sons of Anarchy ever? No. They contacted him, like, we want you to be on Sons of Anarchy. He's like, listen, the only way I'll be on Sons of Anarchy is if I can ride my motorcycle. They had to go back and forth, like, we don't need you. What did I just tell you? If I go on Sons of Anarchy, I got to ride my motorcycle.

So he played a creepy guy that makes you disappear after they kill you. Really? Like, he comes in and measures you. Like, you're on the floor dead, and he walk in, measure you, and tell you what he needs. I need a rope. I need some gasoline. I need a car.

I also need a selection of 70s classic rock. And then you disappear. When you come back, there's nothing there. And they walk him out. He tells you what you want, how much, $800. You pay him the $800. If you only have six, he'll look around the room. He'll just take like a statue.

And he'll just walk out of your house, ties a statue on the motorcycle. Look at him. He was classic on Sons of Anarchy. You know, the crazy thing about him was his battle coming back from getting hit by that guy in a car. He was walking. I think it was in Maine, right? He was walking and some guy wasn't paying attention and fucking hit him in his car

and just destroyed his body. Like, just destroyed his body. I mean, he was fucked up for a long, long time. On a motorcycle? Yeah. Shattered his... No, no, he was walking. He was just walking. And he got hit by a guy in a van.

When I read that, I think you turned me on to it. When I read that chapter on Carrie, how he had written half a Carrie and threw it away, and his wife found it and made him finish it, and it was about a girl with a period or something crazy. I was in shock. Great book. Carrie is a great book. Carrie and Cujo are my favorite Stephen King books.

Cujo, to this day, I have it. I look at it and I respect it. It's like cocaine. I don't even open that book. I just look at it and touch it from time to time and I go, ooh, I don't know if I want to get into that thing. You know what was a great book? The movie version of it was Pet Sematary. Pet Sematary is a book.

There's some things about books. I hate the cliche that books are better. Oh, the book's better. But what is interesting about books is there are certain things that you shouldn't really see. You should only imagine. They work out better in your i mean you're in your imagination like there's something much creepier about them in your imagination and pet cemetery you write about something creepy you've done like whenever i have a hard time sleeping or something like that

something's going on with me so instead of sitting in bed and having what's called insomnia i get up and i write it up when you read that back it's like when I write about something I did as a kid, whether it's robbing Freddy at Putnam Field. When I was a kid, I used to rob this gas station every eight weeks. And, you know, like when I was in West Palm Beach, a kid showed up. A kid showed up from high school when I was in West Palm Beach, and he goes, I will have something. And he goes, this is a map you drew of us.

We're about to rob a gas station in 1981. He still had the map of me with stick men. We would rob this gas station every six to eight weeks. Stick men coming from the left. I'll come in from the north. I don't even know what the fuck the point I'm trying to make was. I forgot it somewhere along the line. Write about things that you did that were creepy.

Even when I write about that and you read them, it's different. I for fuck you. Reading is fucking phenomenal. To build imagination. That's why when you read Silence of the Lambs and you watch the movie, you got to get everybody in that room and give them a big hug because they kept it honest. They kept it real. When you read William Blakely's The Exorcist,

and then The Exorcist has been on for the last two weeks on AMC, and I've been watching bits and pieces of it, and I can't applaud it more. You know who's fucking great in that movie? The priest. That's Jackie Gleason's son-in-law. Is it really? Yes.

Who's Jason whatever's father. Jason whatever? Who's that? He was in Sleepers with Brad Pitt, De Niro. He played the newspaper reporter. That's his fucking father. But Damien Karras plays the priest. That's Jackie Gleeson's son-in-law.

He married Jackie Gleeson's daughter. And it's funny because last week I was in my office typing, and my wife called. She goes, I'm going to be home in 20 minutes with the baby. So I don't know what you're doing. I go, all right. So I went out to the living room, and I turned the TV on just to be out there because I don't know if she's going to want to watch cartoons or whatever.

And I saw The Exorcist, and I turned it on. And, dog, it came on when the priest comes to the door, which if I ever bump into that director, I will take his dick out and suck it because that's what real directing is. He scared you without showing you anything. Remember, when the priest comes to the door, all you see is an image from the priest

and you don't see what his face looks like and it scares you but when he walks in he takes this motherfucker and the guy says to him can i get you something how was your trip can i get you something and he goes do you want some coffee and he goes no let's do this and this guy's a psychiatrist you have to watch it again this guy's a psychiatrist not only is he a priest and he starts dropping psycho. And the priest looks at him and goes, knock it off. The devil is cunning.

He'll attack you psychological like nobody else. Do not listen to him. And he just breaks it down. And then the guy says to him, do you want to know the three levels of manifestation? And he looks at him and he goes, no. There's only one. Satan is saint. Dog, it's just right there.

You're like, so my daughter walks in. While it's on? The five-year-old walks in and she sits on my lap and she's a Bible beater. I don't know if you know this, but Mercy's a Bible beater. She loves anything with God and, you know, I got a little fucking thing she gave me with Jesus, a fish. Yeah, Mercy, my daughter's a Bible beater. She loves anything with God and, you know, I got a little fucking thing she gave me with

Jesus, a fish. Yeah, Mercy, my daughter, is a Bible beater. Even though she goes to fucking public school, she'll come home and tell me they didn't talk about God today. So she's watching this whole manifestation of these two priests talking about God is powerful,

God's gonna kill Satan, da-da-da-da-da-da, and all of a sudden, they walk into the room, and she's sitting up, and she's like, and my daughter caught. It took her like 30 seconds to just look at me, and she just ran out

of the room. Like, she doesn't know who Satan is. Nothing. She just ran out of the room. This is one of the scariest movies, one of the finest movies. She elevates herself, comes down. So they do the first thing, they walk out. And what about when they walk back in and he's a doctor, so he's checking her heart. And she turns into the mother in the hospital and starts saying, dear me, why you do this to me? And the priest told him, don't listen to him, that the devil's cunning.

You know, and all of a sudden, what about when he comes in and he goes, father, how about sparing five cents for an all-out boy? Because the devil's talking. I mean, bro, you have to watch it. And while all this is going on, you have to remember that there's a murder going on. on. You have to remember that there's a murder going on because the first night when she came down, before the devil came in, some guy was talking shit. A Nazi

was talking shit. A Jewish guy was talking shit about a Nazi or something. And she comes down and pees and says, you're going to die, motherfucker. She doesn't say you're going to die up there to an astronaut, wasn't it? Wasn't he an astronaut? He was something downstairs. Didn't she say something like that?

You're gonna die up there? No, no. He was downstairs. They were in the living room and they were singing like a... But didn't she... She was talking to a guy who was an astronaut and she said, you're gonna die up there. I'm not sure. I thought she just said, you're gonna die. And then she peed the carpet. Yeah. And then... It was a dinner party. And then a couple nights later, they found the guy on the

bottom of the stairs, but it couldn't have been a girl because they twisted his neck all the way around. So it had to be a man. And that's why you have to watch that movie when the cop comes to talk to the mother, who's a famous actress. The last time I watched it was like five or six years ago. It's first one's a deep, dark. Great movie. That girl got fucked up doing that movie, you know.

Bro, listen. How can they make a 12-year-old girl stick across my pussy? Yeah. I mean, let's talk about the truth now. She stuck across my pussy, took it out, grabbed her mother by the ears, put her and said, suck it, eat me, lick me. Yeah. All right.

And then picked her up and smacks her and throws her across the fucking room. She says, your mother sucks cocks in hell. That's what she told the one priest. I saw that in a movie theater. Shame on them. Like, if I could sue the Union City Cinema today, I would sue them. Because they didn't check my ID. They didn't give a fuck.

They took my $2 and let me through. They threw me to the fucking wolves. But I also saw... What is her name again? Linda Blair. Linda Blair. She showed up 20 years later. She started hanging out with Rick James.

Oh, man. She showed up 20 years later with Rick James. I wonder what Linda Blair is doing today. But I hope they paid her a lot of money because she never really recovered from that. She never really worked after that. It's tough to get work after you put a cross on your pussy i mean that's ginger lynn it's tough to get a commercial for fucking that's the next yeah well it's also people never forget you were that person like it's very difficult for people to have a changed perception

when she walks down the stairs yeah backwards What about when her head spins around in front of the priest? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's just too out there for a movie. They could never. They think of remaking that every once in a while, and they look at each other. Look at it. Jesus Christ. That was a creepy fucking movie.

And you got to realize that back then, there was nothing like this before this movie. This movie was so extreme. Like, there had been horror movies before, but it was like Frankenstein or Dracula. They were kind of scary, but they weren't bloody. There was nothing like this movie. This movie was so over the top. And people, a lot of people at the time are like this the movie represented something it represented a changing of boundaries that people

these young kids these people today like what the fuck are they doing what kind of movies are they making what is this i remember being i remember being in catholic, and they were just pissed. They were telling us not to go see it. We weren't allowed to go see it. Bro, I was right there when the movie got released, and I had to see it. Of course. As soon as they tell you you can't see it, you're going to see it. It blew my fucking... That's where I saw Rocky, where everybody was on their feet yelling for Rocky.

This is when America was different. Everybody was yelling, Rocky. And I also saw The Longest Yard there, the original. And this was a movie theater that was basically Irish, Italian, and Cuban. But they talked. They yelled at the screen. You know, they threw things at the screen. And when The Fucking Longest Yard, when Burt Reynolds was coming back,

the whole place was on their feet. This is a great movie theater. And they let you in. They played the last movie at 1130. You know how many times I saw Into the Dragon in there? The late movie. My mother would let me walk up there because it was on 48th Street. And my mother's bar was on 29th

Street and she'd go go and I saw everything there Fist of Fury the Outlaw Josie Wales all those fucking movies I saw there and even they played I just go there as a Spanish kid and watch it and learn the language and loved it They had limitations in what they could do with special effects. And so because of that, you had to accomplish much more, even with American Werewolf in London, right? The original. The original. What year was that, mate?

I want to say 81, if I'm going to guess. What year was it? Was it 81? The special effects even though they were groundbreaking for the time, like when he's lying down on the floor and his body's stretching out he's like ahhh

and he's turning into the wolf like that shit when his face is stretching out I mean those are groundbreaking special effects no one had ever seen anything like that this I enjoyed this I enjoyed, This I enjoyed. It's watching a movie now and 30% of it, 40% of it

is CGI. It drives me fucking crazy. That shit drives me crazy. Which one? Underworld. With Kevin Costner. No, no, no. That was with the hot girl. The vampire and the lichens versus the vampire. Kate Beckinsale? Oh, Jesus Christ, she's tremendous.

She's tremendous. She's tremendous. She's so hot. She's just tremendous. I fell in love with her with the movie when she got caught with heroin with Claire Danes at the jail in Thailand. Oh, yeah. That's how long I've been in love with her. What movie was that? I go deep with her and Claire Danes. Kate Beckinsale,

something they both fell in love with the same guy and he put heroin on him and he put him in a prison so I was flipping through the channels while I was broke down palace when I was doing that I'm doing this fucking fitness channel this fitness challenge with Ari and Bert

and Tom and I'm just watching anything I can on TV while I'm on the elliptical machine or the rower or whatever the fuck I'm doing and I was watching one of the underworld movies and I realized there's like ten of them I mean how many fucking underworld world movies has there been oh there's more than that how many is she been all of them she's the main star they're so stupid the fucking one that I saw. I mean, it was like deep in. She has a daughter now.

There's five of them. I don't know which one I saw. I think I saw the first two. Yeah, I think the one I was watching was. That was out of control for me. That was it. I think I was watching Blood Wars. It was so dumb.

But anyway, the CGI, the werewolves are so corny they show you too much it looks fake and the thing about an american werewolf in london is they showed you little quick snippets of the thing before it would kill people and it was just enough like look at that they look so stupid it just looks fake like cgi just does not look and that was something that pat mcgee the guy who made that the werewolf out there in the lobby it's what he had told me he's like when you see your your brain can tell that's not real like even if it looks really good your brain can tell it's not real he's like what your brain like if your brain sees special effects like makeup like that kind of stuff like like a face that's been done

with like prosthetics and teeth and fangs your brain says oh that's a real thing that's the thing that's right in front of you yeah look these werewolves are so corny when they're running looks fake their shadows look fake but pull up scene from american werewolf in London like the actual werewolf they had very quick scenes you didn't see much of the werewolf it was like very fast like you see it running through the streets of London you see it snapping at things

like in that one that's in the beginning when they first got jacked by the wolf Jesus yeah like this give me some volume by the wall. Jesus. Yeah, like this. Give me some volume. Here, put the headphones on. Back it up for a second.

Back it up. So they're running. You really scared me, you shithead. You gonna help me up or what? Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you?

Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you?

Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? Jack.

He didn't see much. Well, here's the problem. Why are you smiling, Jimmy? It's corny. It's 1981, bro. I know. I remember seeing it when I was a kid. Here's the problem, Joe Rogan smiling, Jamie? It's corny. It's 1981, bro. I know. I remember seeing it when I was a kid. Here's the problem, Joe Rogan.

You said it best a couple minutes ago. The thing that pisses me off the most is in today's, the whole movie business. I grew up on the movies. I'm a fucking immigrant kid. I love movies. Remember when they have Tony Montana in the fucking detention thing and he goes, how'd you learn how to speak Spanish and English? Yeah. Because I watched the movie circle and learn how to speak Spanish, English? Yeah.

Because I watched a movie circle. Bro, Cubans, anybody. Felipe Esparza told me that. Everybody. I learned from watching TV. Everybody. Everybody. So you watch TV.

The problem that happens somewhere between 85, maybe 87 and today is the disconnect of the director. And you're asking me, Joey, what's the disconnect of the director. And you're asking me, Joey, what's the disconnect of the director? The imagination. I just watched something on Scarface. I almost called you because it was so interesting

about the dilemmas they had with Scarface when they gave it an X rating. Scarface came out. Pacino said that at the release, at the party of Scarface. He just sank. People were getting up and leaving 20 at a bunch. They took Joan Collins aside,

and they said to Jones Collins, what did you think of the movie? And she goes, I left after, no, she goes, I think 100 fucks is enough fucks for a person's lifetime. Like they were so, but they showed. That's enough for a person's lifetime. I left after a half.

They counted how many fucks he said and all this stuff, but that's not my point. The point is that when they, the guy that directed it had to go in front of a board it's a big difference about me showing teens are going through your arm then you seeing it and then seeing your face and you bleep you follow me yeah yeah the right that's why they had to go to that. That was better. Yes. You know, they had the X rating. You know, that's a beautiful story.

It's supposed to be me, you, and him, and he's supposed to make the decision. The director brought violent specialists, psychiatrists. He brought in 100 witnesses. They were there all fucking day to prove his point, to take it from an X-rated movie to an R-rated movie. When you watch Once Upon a Time in the West, Sergio Leone was the king of the directors because he gave you the decision to decide. Are you with me? He gave it to you. When Charles Bronson gets off the train, the beginning of Once Upon a Time in America.

And there's three dudes waiting, and the train goes by, and all of a sudden it stops. And all of a sudden you hear a harmonica. And you hear Charles Bronson going, and they look up, and they see Charles Bronson. But they're not looking. It's not focusing on Charles Bronson. Sergio Leone's fucking with you. He keeps showing you this fucking thing that keeps going, like, take me back, Sergio Leone. Let me watch this gunfight.

He gave you imagination. Directors gave you imagination. They gave you a split second to decide what was going to happen. Now I know the story before it happens. The director was something special. That's why Sergio Leone, those guys, those spaghetti westerns were genius. Because they gave you, are you with me? Yeah, yeah.

You gave me a second to split the side. Yeah, you had to think about it. What's going on? You gave me a second to split the side. Yeah, you had to think about it. What's going on? That scene, I could have put it in his arm or showed Pacino's face. Well, you remember High Plains Drifter? Tremendous.

Is that the one where he's a ghost and he comes back and paints it? No, paint that. No, no, no. Is that High Plains Drifter? Am I getting the wrong name one? I mean, I'm thinking about the one where he comes back as a ghost. Right, that's the one. Yeah. High Plains. Hang him high. I don't know if it was hang him high. one? I'm thinking about the one where he comes back as a ghost. Right, that's the one.

Hang him high. I don't know if it was hang him high. What's the one where he has a shield underneath and he knows they only shoot for the heart and they keep shooting at him and he falls down and they shoot at him and he falls down and he shoots at him and he falls down. I don't remember. Jamie, Google

Clint Eastwood comes back as a ghost. It is High Plains Shifter. It just isn't in the description. and then he falls down. I don't remember. Jamie, Google Clint Eastwood comes back as a ghost. Yeah, go ahead. High Plains Shifter. It is High Plains Shifter. There you go. It just isn't in the description. It's amazing. Yeah.

Part ghost story, part Revenge West. The thing about that movie is like you don't realize, it's like they don't spell it out for the dummies that he's a ghost. Is it like Sixth Sense then? No. Okay. Like you have to figure it out at the end of the movie. If I remember correctly, it's been a long time since I saw it,

but at the end of the film, they sort of lay it out in the beginning. The beginning they show, God, I might be wrong here. I feel like at the beginning of the movie is them beating him and killing him. They whip him. And at the end of the movie, you kind of realize it's him coming and at the end of the movie you kind of realize it's him coming back towards the end of the movie but it's not like specifically spelled out like there was a curse and he came back to hunt this town and kill everyone it wasn't that cornball so if you go back to like the older movies you go back to like you know know, like a Frankenstein or a Dracula type film.

They spelled things out. Like they treated you like you were a dumbass and they spelled things out. And then they eventually stopped doing that. And they put mystery and imagination in films. And then somewhere along the line, at least with like modern blockbusters if i had to guess i would say part of the problem is there's so much money involved in these movies if you're going to make a film and you know it's some gigantic thing with special effects and the studio is dumping hundreds of millions of dollars into it they want to return on their money. I saw people discussing that.

I think Johnny Depp was just kind of kicked off, isn't the right word, but he's not going to be in the next Pirates movie, I guess. And they were discussing in the comments section, the last one was the worst one of the lot. And they spent $330 million on the budget, but it made $800 million. And some people are saying that's a failure.

Yeah, for them it's a failure. Making $500 million is not good. Well, Johnny's off the rails right now. He shaved his head. Johnny Depp. He looks like he weighs 35 pounds. He shaved his head. He's fallen out of his jeans.

Whenever you get two tattoos of a woman you've only been married to for six months, these are all bad signs. Joe Rogan, this is a very rough town to live. Ego is a motherfucker. People blowing smoke up your ass is a motherfucker. Sure. I mean, this guy's spending half a million dollars a month on wines. Yeah.

You know, I don't know exactly. Don't quote me on that, but I know that when the account i read the account said 30 they said that he was spending 30 000 and he goes it was a lot more than he was joking around about it was a lot more than that like look at these pictures of him now stay humble or be humbled he's wearing a shirt dude you're 55 years old why the fuck would you wear that shirt well who's walking around meanwhile i got I got a Derek Lewis, my balls was hot shirt on. But, look,

these like fucking inspirational quotes you expect to see on some stripper's Instagram page. You're not supposed to be wearing those when you're Johnny Depp. Okay? This is outrageous, Johnny Depp. Why are you wearing that on a shirt? And I heard that this last movie he did, Mucho Programless.

Mucho what? Programless. A lot of problems. A lot of problems. What was the movie? The Tupac movie. Yeah, but it's on shelves, right? They're not putting it out.

Is he the cop? Is it on shelves? Yeah, they're not putting it out. No. Or at least for right now, it's not coming out. Is he a cop? Yeah, he plays the cop that broke a, if you, I forget the name. That's a good book. Yeah? The whatever. I have he plays the cop that broke a, if you, I forget the, that's a good book. Yeah?

The whatever, I have it at the house. He plays the cop, and I heard that there was a lot of little, and the word got out. That's it. Well, you know, Johnny Depp at one point in time, when he had done that movie Dead Man, do you remember Dead Man? No. Interesting movie. It was a weird black and white movie about a guy who was riding a fucking train across the West.

He was talking in an interview about how he wants to do interesting projects. He goes, I'll never be Blockbuster Boy. Then he became Blockbuster Boy. But he's badass in Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, look. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. Phenomenal. Phenomenal.

Phenomenal. He's really good. The chick is good. I love him. He's a great actor. They cutomenal. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. He's really good. The chick is good. I love him. He's a great actor. They cut him loose. He made a ton of money for them. They did five fucking movies.

But you know, he's boys with Stanhope. Right. And essentially, Johnny Depp, these fucking motherfuckers with their, everybody thinks you're going to spend money on their website. Guess what? We're not. We're not paying to read your their website guess what we're not we're not paying to read your fucking website we're not johnny depp what does it say and biggie tupac movie

abruptly pulled from release force widder green it too looks like yeah like a month before it's supposed to come out they just pulled it well it must suck they don't pull it if it's awesome but the point is you know stanhope's boys with him and he's like he said that once he did those pirates movies he couldn't go anywhere it was over he can't go to restaurants he can't go anywhere he just can't go anywhere he he hit that upper echelon of fame where it's almost there's no turning back when you know you get like Michael Jackson type frame you just get crazy you your world is just it's no one can relate to you what were they giving him per movie he was making like 30 million a movie with back-end and everything I bet he was making more than more than that right yeah that's he's got like 18 houses boat yeah he's got 14 houses you

know I remember when I was in Colorado someone said he had a ranch out there I 18 houses, a boat that cost $30,000. Yeah, he's got 14 houses. You know. I remember when I was in Colorado, someone said he had a ranch out there. I go, does he ever go there? He goes, no. No. Just has a ranch. What about when I house sat for the guy that owned TGIF Fridays? He was on the board of directors.

Did you? Yeah, when I lived on 435 Farway Road in Snowmass Village, Colorado. I house sat. And the guy, the two years I was there, he came a week and a half. He came for three days, and his daughters came for three days. They spent $2,000 on booze. They all got drunk, and they left two days later. And I was talking to the daughter, and she's like, yeah, this is, my dad's got houses.

All over the place. He had three in Colorado alone, like Cresta Butte, Snowmass Village, and he had a house on the other side to ski over there because he liked two different types of powder. Jesus Christ. Yeah, no, no, no. Well, it's that world when people get that famous, when they get that rich, when they get that to the point where they live in some sort of weird la-la land. He had a brand new Jeep delivered every year. And part of my agreement was I had to drive it like 50 miles a month to keep, make sure. Because when he came to town,

he didn't want no problems with none of his houses. Right. So he had a different fucking house sitter at every... Did he do a background check on you? No, listen to me. I fucking grandfathered into the house because my buddy from Jersey had it, and his girlfriend came out to visit, and he knocked her up.

But the guy was difficult to get a hold of because he was in England and whatnot. So my friend just said to me, just move and don't say dick. And when he comes in, he'll see it's you and tell him I had to leave and shit. Keep my deposit. So I stayed there for like two months and he came and he's like, who the fuck are you? And I told him what had happened and that we couldn't get a hold of him because he was in England. And he asked me for a couple names. I had already lived in Snowmass for about a year.

I left and then came back. So I had a couple nice references from him. He gave me the thing and then left. And I was not allowed in his home. So part of the deal was I had an apartment over the garage. I could use his car, and it was 18 hours a month of either shoveling snow or 18 hours a month of work. So it was essentially shoveling snow in the winter

and mowing the lawn in the summer. He would give me little assignments like paint the wall or whatever. I would do keep the trim up and shit, but it was zero rent. I think he paid me $800 a month, and I got to get a day job and ski and shit like that. I have to tell you, I was a volunteer fireman. You were a volunteer fireman? Because, all right, so cocaine was $1,800 an ounce at the time in Snowmass.

My buddy said he'd get it to me for 800 in Jersey. So I would go back and forth, and I was making all this dough on it. The people found out. The guy that they blew up, they put a pipe bomb in this guy's car, and they blew him up. His name was Steven Grabo. He left a big gap in this fucking drug place. So I was going to— Did they kill him?

Oh, yeah, they killed this poor bastard. In Colorado? In Aspen, 36 kill this poor bastard. In Colorado? In Aspen, 36 days before he was to stand trial. They could never get him for cocaine. He was making $6 million every six weeks. I spoke about this. $6 million every six weeks? Every six weeks in 1984.

They arrested him the first time in 83. They brought him to Denver. They found $9 million altogether cash. Then in 84 was when he went. Every night he'd work out. He was a good-looking dude that kept in shape. He had 20 different cars. And every night he'd give the guy at the door $5 to start the car.

The night the guy took the night off, he started his own car. They put a pipe bomb in his car and blew him up. He lived. He made it all the way to the car. The night the guy took the night off, he started his own car. They put a pipe bomb in his car and blew him up. He lived. He made it all the way to the hospital, but something went so deep up his ass that he just bled to death. So it left this gap. So this guy approached him, and then he's like, man, these people are mad at you they want to do business with you you're cutting them out so i had to talk to them and they said listen for you to buy we never do a face-to-face so they have an aspen club and they have a place called the sea of the aspen club is still you know in those days these places were a thousand a month to walk in and i knew a

girl that used to go to the Aspen Club, and she used to tell me she used to take showers right next to Barbie Benton. Remember Barbie Benton? And then Barbie Benton had a beautiful bush. She would tell me every night, Barbie Benton's got a beautiful fucking bush. It's perfect. So there's the Aspen Club and the Snowmass Club.

Snowmass Club has golfing, you know, condos around the thing. It was like $900 a month to be a member. I couldn't have been a member, so the only way I could become a member was by being a volunteer fireman, and they'd give you admission. So for 90 days, I had to train, go up two flights, just hang on a ladder, carry a rope. But basically, it was putting out. When tourists come, they don't know how to fucking turn on a fireplace,

so they clean out the shards and they put them in and then these people would put them in a dumpster so 10 out of 10, all you're doing is dumpster fires, that's all you're doing but you got access to the Snowmass Club so basically it was walking to the Snowmass Club

give the girl the $10,000 put on your gym clothes work out and by the time you got back to your locker the coke was in the locker it was all in they were all in everybody was involved everybody was involved so the girl that worked us that she was getting a piece whoever knew all you had to do is hi how you doing joey yeah okay wow and then later on i go in the locker the coke would be that i get like a half, eight ounces. I was no dealer and I'd take it home.

But then I started getting coked up. And every time there was a fire, I went to like two fires. And there were both dumpsters and there's 16 idiots with a whole fire hose. I'm like, is this necessary? They even gave me like a little fire truck, like a little Toyota truck with like a bell on it to go to the fires. That's like the third fire stopped showing up. For two months, they go, where are you? Zero to base, where are you?

Listen, I'm just letting it go. Get my dick sucked. You want me to go put out a fire in a dumpster? Go fuck yourself. They came over and took the dumpster. And then I went to work for this other dude. There was three Dicks. The guy I worked for was Dick Self, Dick Kelly, and Dick Doon was the mayor.

So I had a buddy who used to go, you're surrounded by Dick. Dick, Dick, Dick. So Dick Kelly had one of those snow companies. And they wanted me to go. And I don't know what they called Joe Rogan, so straighten me out. It's a high-low that shovels snow. What's a high-low? A high-low in a warehouse.

Oh, okay, like a little small truck that pushes snow around. So he was another poor bastard that made a mistake and hired me that winter. And I had to be there at 4 in the morning. 4 in the morning, I'm on my second gram of blow. He'd be in front of my house beeping. I was telling him to go fuck himself. I'm not working tonight. He came and took his truck. I was on a roll

up there. I was on a fucking roll. Guys who plowed snow. Guys who had snow trucks. When it would snow out, man, you weren't getting any sleep. There was a bunch of guys that I knew. In Colorado also? No, in Boston. Oh, in Boston. Yeah, that's a business. It's a business in the wintertime.

You know, as soon as you hear snow, those people start fucking getting happy. And people would look out their window with their coffee, making sure you're out there with the truck up the driveway, pushing snow around. My buddy Jimmy, that was one of his side businesses.

He was an electrician in the side business. He had a plow on his pickup truck. He would just fucking plow people out, do people's driveways. You know, I went home this year, March 20th. I went home to Jersey. I had to do a show one night in Nyack. And me and Ari hooked up in in the city we had an edible we walked around the city in the snow and just started to snow you know and by the time i got

up the next morning it snowed like a foot i'd never seen anything like that like when i was a kid in jersey if it snowed that was there like that stayed for four days there was no school stacked up on the side of the road. Stacked up on the sidewalk. Dirty snow. Bro, my town won't let a fucking ounce of snow land. Not an inch. Really? They're fucking tremendous.

That night, the roads were clean. The East Coast. I'll never forget how, when I left Jersey in 83, like, if it snowed. Like, let's say if it snowed. And I had to take the bus up here, I would just call you and say, Joe, it's snowing, you'd expect me at 11. And, you know, everything was late.

Whenever it snowed in Jersey, here's this big metropolitan area, New York City, and it snowed in a crippled city. They didn't know how to handle it. Newspapers wouldn't come. People would get pissed off at the New York Post. I remember moving to Snowmass and getting a job at Aspen

Electric. And that meant I had to get on a bus in Snowmass, go to the bottom of the hill transfer, and shoot the bus to Snowmass. I did this, and I remember the first time I woke up one day. You know, in Colorado, you wake up one morning, there's 12 inches, it's just another day. Just another day. You know, in Colorado, you wake up one morning, there's 12 inches, it's just another day.

Just another day. And I remember in 1983, they couldn't fucking clean up New York. But I'll never forget that morning, waking up in Aspen like at 630 in snow mass and going, they're not going to expect me until about 10. And I walked in there at 10, and people are like, where the fuck have you been? And I'm like, it snowed out. The buses are running late.

They go, everybody else here came on a bus, and they all got here on time. They fucking busted me right out. Like, Colorado was that far ahead of the game. Well, they're just so used to it. They were so, but like, here I was living in this big metropolitan city that four inches crippled. In Colorado, did they throw down salt? They throw down something, yes. They throw down something because when you wash your car in Colorado,

they push to do the underwater carrots, the prevention, because rust travels fast in Colorado. In Boston, too, that salt they put on the road. The salt puts on them. You'd buy old cars, and in the fenders, you know, in the back of the fenders, like in the corner, that's where the salt would pile up, and you'd always have rust there. You'd always have, like, these big pockets of rust in the corner. Is that from when you bought a muscle car?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's why California cars, everybody just wanted a rust-free California car. If you were buying a muscle car, like an older, you know, hot rod, you'd find a rust-free California car. If you were buying a muscle car, like an older hot rod, you'd find a rust-free California car. Oh, California. Salt. The big thing with salt, destroy cars. Destroy the frame.

Destroy everything. That's salt. Get up in there and just sit there and just rot away the metal. You've got to take the metal, buff it out, edge it out, and then you would have to spray Rust-Oleum on it. Because I would see the guys in Colorado, how they would fix the cars. And they would take a missing bumper, cut it strategically, weld it in, and then you buff that in, you colored, you buffed, you kept putting primer on it,

and that's how they got the rust out of all those cars in Colorado. I forgot about Jersey. A lot of body work, man. A lot of East Coast cars had a tremendous amount of body work. If you wanted a constant job fixing cars, body work was always good. Not just because of accidents, but also just because of rust work. Now, is the rust a product of the humidity also on the East Coast? Because Colorado wasn't that humid, and I see a little bit of rust from that.

Yeah, Colorado, you're getting it from moisture. You're getting it from salt. I'm sure if they salt the roads. But the East Coast, you're definitely getting more. There's a variety of factors that cause cars to rust out, older cars. But if you can find an old, rust-free car,

that's what everybody wants. You find a 1968 Camaro that's rust-free car. Now that is like, that's what everybody wants. You know, you find a 1968 Camaro that's rust-free, like whoa. You know, it's a beautiful thing about Corvettes, they didn't rust. They were made out of fiberglass. So you get an old Corvette, most of the bodies were pretty good

if it wasn't cracked, wasn't damaged because they didn't rust. I remember cutting myself on one of those fiberglass Corvettes one time. My leg or something, I ran past them. This is the 70s, right? They had them in the 70s? Yeah, the 70s.

My 65's fiberglass. My 65 Corvette, that thing's fiberglass. Why did they fiberglass them? To make it lighter? Lighter, right. Because they could make cooler shapes? If you look at a 1965 Corvette, the shape is fantastic.

Let me look at it. Pull up mine. I think I have an idea how it looks like. It looks like a Sportster. That's the one, the 65. The fenders have curves to them. Everything has curves. It's such a curvy car. And if you had to do that all

by banging out metal, and there's mine. Look at the fucking and if you had to do that all by banging out metal and there's mine like look at the fucking humps and the curves in that thing just the fenders alone like there's so much that's when i had my gross old wheels i got rid of those stupid wheels but the the the shape of those things man i mean i, they could do that with metal, but there's so many complicated curves to it. Just the curve of the door to the fender, the back fender. You're a fan of the car. How does this car compare as a drive? That's not a real...

I mean, if you drove a regular 1965 corvette they're sloppy their suspension sloppy the brakes are dog shit this one here that thing's not a regular that thing's what's called a resto mod so what that is is a 1965 corvette but it has a 2007 corvette engine in it that's supercharged and then it has an entirely Modern suspension Everything is modern Coilovers, modern brakes Big ass Corvette brakes

Big fucking fat wide tires With sticky rubber on them That thing doesn't handle anything Like an old car That thing handles like a new car As much as you can get a car like that to handle like a new car How much do you drive it? I drive that fucker all the time. I take it to

the store all the time. You ever see me take that thing to the store? You should go for a ride with me. It's so fun. I don't think I'd fit in one of those fucking things. They were made for more people. You'd fit. In a 65, they're for fucking things, you know. No, no, no, you'd fit in that thing. Remember when Tony Soprano

tried to get in Johnny Sex? What's the Italian car line? Lamborghini? Oh, did he have Ferrari or Lamborghini? Ferrari or something. Maserati? Maserati. I don't remember.

Yeah. And he couldn't fit in it? He couldn't fit in it and shit. They didn't make those for skinny Italians. That fucking... Yeah, but those, you know, when you're making a car out of fiberglass. You know, it's pretty weird, just to go back to that lady that quit high school when she was 16, that she was one of the most wealthiest people in the world.

The Chinese lady? Yeah, whatever her name was, we pronounced it wrong. It's so weird how much stock we put into high school. How much stock is really in high school? Like right now you have children. I don't know about high school. How much stock is really in high school? Like, right now you have children. I don't know about high school. Like, I don't know.

I don't know about high school still, and I don't know. I've met so many people who have quit high school that have done better with their lives. I thought when I quit high school I was done. I was fucking done. That was one of the worst points of my

life. I remember I was going to get a tattoo. I wanted to get like an Ozzy Osbourne has Ozzy on his fingers. I was going to get Coco on both fingers. C-O-C-O. And I remember walking up there that day and going, you know what, bro? So wait a second. I'm going to get an

Ozzy or Coco tattoo on my fingers and I'm going to quit high school? Like, what am I going to be my chances of really doing anything? Like, I already quit high school and I'm going to put tattoos on my fingers? I'm never going to do anything with my life. That's why I chickened out from tattoos, you know.

Because you're afraid you're going to be a loser? In 1982, a tattoo was not a work of art. A tattoo was you went to jail. Yeah. You killed somebody. See? But he had that in 69.

He's had that in 69. He was cooler than fuck. He was Ozzy Osbourne. I wasn't no Ozzy Osbourne. Right. I was just some fucking drugged out criminal. Yeah. But I knew that if I quit high school and put COCO, I was doomed for life.

Like on both hands, I was going to be doomed. This is a true story, bro. I remember still walking to the tattoo place. It was in Cliffside Park. And how much weight they put on high school. And like I quit high school my junior year. Was I good at it? Yes, I was very good at it yes i was very good at it i was very good at school i just had to quit school because of necessity uh i had no parents you know

how to quit fucking high school you know and it's so weird how many people over the years i've read and the only reason why i got my ged let me tell you something i refused to get my ged because if i would have failed my ged i, I would have killed myself. Like if you quit high school and then fail your GED, you're really doomed for life. I didn't even want to know about the GED thing. But when I got arrested, you got to have a GED because you get an extra point to your sentence thing. Like this is a variable that adds to you not going to prison for that long. So if you get arrested and you don't have a GED and you're not working at the time of your arrest,

this all counts towards your sentencing guidelines. So the only reason why I took that GED fucking thing, because I was petrified of taking a Joe Rogan. Because once you fail your GED, there ain't no coming back. So I got a tattoo on my fingers. I fucking quit high school and I fucking failed the first GED thing. I would have died. I studied hard

for my GED. I bought the fucking thing. I took a night class with a bunch of people who didn't speak English. I studied hard. I passed my GED with flying colors. But it's so weird how they put such a stress on it when I was growing up. And I know tons of kids that sophomore year said, my father owns a fucking mechanic garage or we have a fruit company

or my father's in the stock market and he's getting me a job. And I know these kids today and they're doing fine. I just saw one in West Palm Beach that he was one of the first guys to quit school and i was like worried about him like how the fuck do you quit school he's doing fine he's rich as fucking well quitting an education like getting quitting learning is what's real scary quitting school the problem with school is school like standardized education right the education that they would like you to get is you go through school, you get out of high school, you go to a good college, you get a degree, and then you go to graduate school, and then you're a real success.

But there's a lot of people that did that, that there was no job for them. They have graduate degrees, and they're not doing well, and it's not a guarantee and especially in this weird fucking economy the problem with a guy like you or a problem with a guy like me is that we're never gonna have regular jobs it was never gonna work we're too fucked up for whatever reason we're both fucked up for different reasons bro i quit every fucking job every job i've never had a job four days i was like why am i i could sell an eight ball make 50 bucks i gotta say yeah i gotta wash dishes like i wash dishes for four

months but nobody recognized that you had the potential to be an entertainer nobody ever says like you could be an entertainer you're a funny entertaining guy nobody ever brings that up as a viable job option meanwhile it's obviously a giant job option. All of our friends that are like you or I, that are comics, they were all fuck-ups in high school. They all barely made it through whatever job they had. They hated every second of it, and they all thought they were losers. That's one thing we all have in common. We were all worried that we were going to be a loser.

But no one, none of us had someone who said, hey, Joey, you're fucking funny, man. You could be a comic. Try being a comic. Go to an open mic night. Give it a shot. You know how much comics make a weekend? A comic headline at a club in the weekend, Mike, made $1,500. You'd be like, what? $1,500 for telling jokes? Like, yeah, $1,500. And you'd be like, that is crazy. And you'd talk about what regular people were making, busting their ass all week. You could just show up on a Friday,

do two shows on a Friday, two shows on a Saturday, one show on Sunday, and you'd make $1,500. You'd get home, and a lot of times it was cash. You would be like, how do I do this job? Well, you've got to start off as an open mic night. You got to become an apprentice. It's so weird how I could look you in the face and tell you something. I knew my freshman year in high school.

You ready? Yeah. I knew one thing for sure. What? I did not want a day job. No job. Me too. No, no, no.

I didn't say that. I wanted a job. But not a job where you sit in an office. No, no. There was no day job in my future. I was either going to be a bartender, a waiter. I was going to work in a warehouse. There was a company, White Rose and Seacaucus.

It was a frozen warehouse where you just got lobster tails and shit and you had to wear like bundled up. They paid you $22 an hour. Yeah. They gave you $1,000 every 90 days to buy clothing. Like I was set to do that. I had no problem with working 9 to 6. I knew one thing about my life, that I was not taking a day job

because the people I grew up around, my mother did not have a day job. My mother went, opened the bar at 9, set the bar up, beer, boom. And by 10.30, she was in Harlem picking up this, going to a Met game, eating Chinese food. She didn't go back till 7 o'clock at night. Then she worked till 3. I had no problem with working. My first big job was bartending from 5 to 1 in Manhattan.

I just knew that my days were mine. I liked that. I wanted to be opposite everybody else. I wanted you to leave the fucking house when I walked in. I'm going to make my own eggs. I'm going to smoke a joint. I'm going to watch TV for an hour, sleep till 2, get up, lift weights. That's what I want.

I did not want a day job. That I didn't know. Some people want the opposite. Some people's personalities, they want to go somewhere where someone tells them what I want. I did not want a day job. That I didn't know. Some people want the opposite. Some people's personalities, they want to go somewhere where someone tells them what to do. They want to sit in a very safe, structured environment and do boring shit. There's a company in my town named APA, Anthony Imperatore. When I was a kid, APA fed everybody.

The deal was you went down there, 1982, let's say. It was $17 1750 an hour. So you shaped. Did you ever shape? What's that mean? Shape is you just go down there, and they look at you like Marlon Brando, and on the waterfront, you stand there like a fucking moron, and they come up to you.

We need six people tonight. You, you look pretty strong. You, and there's 30 people against the wall. They call it shape? Shape-up work. You got to go sign up at the hall. So if you're a longshoreman, all that shit, if you don't have work, you go do shape-up work. So you just go down there and wait for your badge number to be called,

and then they give you work. So I used to work at APA as a shape guy. So you go down to APA, right, and the first night Joe Rogan picks me, he sees I'm a fucking mule I'm a mule like you ain't gonna break me the shift started at 7 and it went till 6

but sometimes at 6 a load of fucking Volkswagen engines came in and here you are with another fucking gorilla picking up Volkswagen engines so what I used to do was you couldn't work more than six days a month or they had to put you in the union. So I would work APA, white truck, whatever. There

was three different companies that you could shape for. So what you did was to get into the union was once I found out Joe was cool and Joe knew I worked, I threw Joe a yardstick. I found out Joe was cool and Joe knew I worked. I threw Joe a yardstick. I threw you $100, so I have guarantee two days a week work, which is still $18 an hour plus overtime. So I did shape-up work. And then if you completed like 12, if they made a mistake and they gave you 12 days in a month, now they had to hire you full-time.

And your life changed forever. APA, that guy Imperatore, you know what he owns now? The fucking ferry. Like the ferry that goes back to New Jersey, back and forth from Jersey to New York City. That's Imperatore. He didn't stop growing. But when we were kids, his facility, he took such care of his employees. his facility, he took such care of his employees. His gym, when the New York Nets went from Long Island to New Jersey, that's where they practiced the first year. That's how good

in the 70s his gym was. Like if you loaded trucks, you were allowed to use that gym. He already had shit that nobody had. He had fiberglass backboards. He had water weights. He had shit that nobody had, like, at that time. Wow. But my point being that that was what I had in high school, that I could do shape-up work, and I could still make a living, and eventually somebody was going to hire me.

I was going to work like a fucking mule, but I'd still be making, you know, $1,500 a week when you're in 1980, which wasn't bad. That's a lot of money back then. Which wasn't bad. Those are the guys that buy the boats and they go to Atlantic City and they wear white shoes on the weekends. They make more than everybody else. Because you'd made great money down there. So you shape.

You could also do that as a longshoreman. You go down to Newark and stay there, and then after 15 days, they pick you up in the union. They'll charge you $5,000 for a book, which means that you get $5,000 to get into the union, but you got benefits the rest of your life, an insurance and a pension. Yeah, and you realized that you weren't going to work in a cubicle. I did not. I knew that, but I liked that night loading shit. You don't know how many nights I walked home at Route 3 with no money.

How many days after loading a truck all night, walking home on Route 3 because I didn't have enough money for the bus. I just had enough money for breakfast, and I would walk up and get breakfast at a diner, and I'd go wherever I was sleeping and fucking go to sleep. I didn't know anything. Comedy didn't come into my radar until a month before I went to prison. A month before I got locked up.

A month before I got arrested for the crime. Never mind prison. There was a salesman they hired and we did not get along, me and him as car salesmen. He was American Indian. A piece of him was American Indian. And he even had that Charles Bronson look in his eyes. And one day, me and him got into a beef over a customer. He said the customers was his and it was mine. And me and him banged it up face to face, and they had to break us up.

But about a week later, I was on the point. That means you're outside waiting for a customer to try to get a customer on point. And he came out, and he goes, Man, listen, I don't know what happened between us. His name was Brent. I'll never forget that man. If I was 25, he was about 40-something, 44, 45.

And I had a fucking, you know, I was doing drugs, and I had the tough guy mentality, and I banked you. And I would never raise my hand to somebody old. I don't know why I went after him that day. But he came up to me, put out his hand, and he goes, listen, man, I don't know nothing about nothing. But he goes, you know what I was doing for the last 20 years, right? And I go, no, I don't know nothing about nothing. But he goes, you know what I was doing for the last 20 years, right? And I go, no, I don't know anything about it.

He goes, I was the entertainment coordinator for a casino in Las Vegas. And he goes, I don't know, man. You make me fucking laugh. And I remember shaking his hand going, thank you. Get the fuck away from me. I make you laugh. What are you, stupid? And he was telling me how I had a career in comedy,

and I was listening to him. He said, you should really give it a try. I'm like, you're fucking crazy, stand-up comedy. I like Freddie Prinze. I like David Brenner. I love Richard Pryor, but I'm a fucking criminal. I can't do this shit. Then I got arrested, and then when I came out,

I didn't think about it, and then when I fucking came out for reals, there was a guy that lives in Pismo Beach now. And he used to talk to me about it. He goes, you ever consider this stand-up comedy? And I would go, come on, dog. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm a drug addict.

Fucking stand-up comedy. I didn't know stand-up comedy was about work. I thought that Joe Rogan just called the comedy store and said, have a camera there in 10 minutes. I'm going to be down and you tape an hour. I didn't know that you had to work 18 months to get an hour of material. If you're lucky, you're good. That's what I thought.

That's how fucking off I was. I just thought that when I saw John Leguizamo, that he just went down there. That he just went down there and did an hour. That's what I thought for all that time. I have weird perceptions of it. But, you know, the thing about it is that it's a possibility. And no one ever says that it's a possibility. It's not an easy possibility.

But it's an option. But being a fucking physician is not an easy possibility either. But if you tell someone you want to be a doctor doctor they don't look at you like you're crazy the amount of work is probably pretty similar there's a lot of work involved in being a doctor but it's a path that's been taken by many people it's clearly established you go through school you go through medical school you go through your residency there's all these different steps that you have to take that everybody's really aware of. With a stand-up comedy career, no one who's, other than the people that have done it, no one knows what it is. You and I both know that in order to be, you know, say a physicist,

you have to go through a certain amount of education. We, you know, if you had, oh, Tim's son, he's really smart. He wants to work for, you know, SpaceX, wants to build rocket ships. Like, oh, Tim's son, he's really smart. He wants to work for SpaceX, wants to build rocket ships. Like, oh, okay, that's a possibility. You can do that. You're really smart. You go to school. You get a good education. You follow through.

You eventually, there's a path there. With comedy, like no one knows that path other than people like you or I, people that have actually done that path and make a living doing it. We know it. But for everybody on the outside, it's like, what is is that and sometimes you need someone to come along and tell you like the guy who you were working with for me it was my friend steve dr steve graham he was my friend when i was you know he was telling me this when i was like 19 you know he's like you're really funny like you should be a comedian i was like i'm funny to you

i'm like other people are gonna think i'm an asshole that's all i was thinking was that i i just i wasn't big on public speaking what got me into public speaking honestly what helped me was teaching when i was teaching martial arts i had to teach in front of all these people though i'd never spoken in front of groups of people but I was really good at the time at teaching classes I'd learn from you know my instructor and there's a way to do it I was very enthusiastic obviously it was my life so I was very intense about doing it and I got used to speaking publicly in front of these large groups of people but it was because I was speaking about something that I was good at. And then I would teach at Boston University. And when I would go there and teach the classes, I'd start off the classes. I basically said to them, listen, you take this class,

try hard, you're going to get an A. It's pass, fail, A. It actually counts for your GPA. So this is an easy A. I don't want you to be fucking Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan. You don't have to do that. I just want you to try. If you come here and try, you get an A. That simple. And so I became friends with a lot of the kids because they were like my age. Some of them were even older than me. And I was teaching them. So that

was how I got into public speaking. When was the first time, I want you to think before you even answer, besides stand-up comedy, were you ever, ever, ever on a stage before that? No. Improv troupe in grammar school, a play in high school, a play in grammar school? In college, I took, no, I didn't do any, I don't think I ever did anything. Maybe if I did, I don't remember.

But in college, I took a course on public speaking. It was like some sort of, um, it was some sort of course where we would do like little play. It was terrible. The teacher was terrible. She was just short, little lazy lady. She was so lazy. Like the way she would give classes was says it was continuing education program at UMass. She was just terrible. And there was the people in the class where it was very loosely organized. she didn't explain the lessons very well and you know we had to put together some little play I remember it was me and this girl and this guy we put together we made some little funny play we wrote

it together it was around the same. I was probably thinking about doing stand-up I was probably 19 or 20 at the time. I never was I always shunned from all that stuff I was always embarrassed and My six when I got thrown out of Catholic school in the sixth grade I had this guy mr. Lovito And on Fridays you had a choice to fucking go be part of the ecology club or hang out in the class. I don't know what made me. I was in love with Frankie Valli. All right. And my eyes adored you. So he would make me every Friday,

go up to the front of the class and put my eyes adored you on a record player. And I'd sing it like not lip sync it. I'd really sing it because I really had a good voice growing up. I was in a band as a singer. Were you? You were in a band? Yeah, in the sixth grade. You've done that fucking rock and roll show. What is that?

Josh Atomire's show? Yeah, it was fun as fuck. What is that show called? Goddamn Comedy Jam. You've done that? Yeah. What'd you sing? Killing in the Name of Love. Oh, that's right? Goddamn Comedy Jam. Goddamn Comedy Jam, yeah. You've done that? Yeah. What'd you sing? Killing in the Name of Love. Oh, that's right. You did it recently.

Worst anxiety ever. Did you? Oh, my God. Singing and doing comedy is two different fucking worlds. Did you have to learn the song and practice it? Yeah. They wanted me to go to a rehearsal, but I couldn't go to a rehearsal that day. So you had no rehearsal?

No rehearsal. I knew the song. There that day. So you had no rehearsal? No rehearsal. I knew the song, you know. There you go. Play this. Where is this being held at? This is at, this one was a couple years ago. This is like a year and a half ago. I love music.

I'm just... I love all this shit. I just can't... I love music. Whatever happened to Rage Against the Machine? What are they doing these days? They all want a different... Right now, today, they're in that band with Be Real. Be Real?

Be Real's in the band with them, Public Enemy. What? They're all in Renegades. It's a super band. Oh, it's a fucking tremendous super band. What band is this? How do I not know about this? Yeah, something of, please don't, come on, don't embarrass me now.

I can't. Yeah, Sons of Rage or Somethings of Rage, and it's Tom Morello, the singer from Public Enemy, Be Real. Chuck D? Chuck D. Wow. Is Flava Flavin' it? I don't think so.

I think they told Flavor Flav that you can't. Is he still married to Stallone's ex-wife? No. Stallone's ex-wife just had a baby with someone. Prophets of Rage is what it's called. Prophets of Rage. Who's in the band? It's a couple of guys from Rage, Public Enemy, Cypress Hill.

Yeah, Stallone's ex-wife had a baby. She was 185 years old. Yeah. How the fuck did she have a baby? She had the last egg. They found the last egg that was tucked up in a quarter. The fallopian tubes. Listen, man. Mick Jagger's singing at 75.

I guarantee you women have eggs a little longer now. I wonder. You just gotta dig a little deeper. You gotta dig deep, deep, deep in that little monkey. Janet Jackson had one at 50. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, they're in there. You just need a guy to give you a stabbing to generate everything at the same time. A guy's got to be holding back a lot of loads. Just keep those loads for weeks. No jerking off. No nothing. No wet dreams for weeks. And then just release the hounds.

After 48, as a woman after 48 from what I've read, 46, 47, your chances of a child having autism are very high. There's a lot of chances of a lot of little things going wrong. Chances are with a male as well, you know. Really? Yeah? Over 50? Yeah, with men, there's a bunch of factors, but one of the factors is also the age of the father. That's why you see more autistic kids these days than before is people are putting off having children and having careers later,

and there's complications. It's one of the theories as to why there's more autistic kids. Another theory is that there's not more autistic kids which is we're just better at diagnosing what the issue is with children than we used to be before i say we very loosely obviously brigitte nielsen look at that so she had her first kid this is her fifth she had her first kid when she was young and vibrant, and the fifth kid when she's basically a monster. God bless her. God bless her.

God fucking bless her. 55, healthy baby. Good for her. I don't know. My little girl was born. I kept looking at her eyes to see it. Her age was 55? Yeah.

That's incredible. I kept looking at my daughter's eyes and she was stoned. Because God knows how much THC was in my reefer when I shot that load of death. When I shot that stoner load. It's kind of funny, man, when you just think about the window of time that you have to get pregnant and impregnate someone. If you're running into someone and you haven't seen them in 10, 15 years and you see them and you're like, whoa. Okay.

Time. Time is real. It wears on people. You don't think about it when you see people day in, day out. I see you all the time. You look the same to me. But if you don't see someone for 10, 15 years,

you're like, oh. Wait until you look at a picture of yourself. You go to a hotel room. When you go to a hotel room that mirror don't lie the mirror at your house is a bullsh**t artist that hides curves and hairs in your nose you go to a hall of vegas and you walk past the mirror and you're like what the happened there yeah the ages are you watching i watch a tape of myself or something. I'm like, wow, man, I'm getting old. You become a monster.

Last week I fucking took a red-eye to Cleveland. I get to Cleveland. It was the only direct flight. Now everything's fucking crazy. Two direct flights a day to Cleveland. Everybody's got a flight, but it takes you 19 hours. Right. So my choices were to leave at 11 in the morning and leave a day earlier, which ain't happening, or take a red-eye that night.

I took the red-eye, and we landed at 6 in the morning, which is 3 L.A. time, which I'm never up past fucking 1230 anymore. And I took a thing to the hotel, me and George Perez. You know, and for a couple minutes, I was a little, like, look at my fucking life. I'm 55, and I'm fucking taking a red-eye to do Cleveland. And when I got into the hotel room, I sat down, I sat at my computer, I'm like, how fucking lucky am I? I'm still doing spots at the fucking store. I'm still going out and doing weekends.

I never dreamt of this past 48. And I'm 55 and headlining, having a great time and laughing my fucking balls off. We forget for a moment of time. What happened was the car didn't show. And I didn't even get pissed off. I just said, George, let's hop in the car. We walked 50 yards. There was a cab.

And that was the end of that. You know what I'm saying? I don't even know why I told you that. I'm just thinking about it. Well, you know, it's perception. You know, I mean, you know, if you showed Bridget Nielsen a photo of her today when she was 20 and said, you're going to look like this in five minutes, she'd probably freak out. She'd probably be terrified.

But now that she's 55, she's like, eh, that's what I look like. We all become J. Howard Marshall and Nicole Smith's fucking husband. We all, we're going to go, so much time. I mean, you don't stay beautiful forever. There's going to be an amount of time where your body just stops working right and your tissue starts to hang off your face, and it is what it is. And it's perception. A lot of it is perception.

You broke it down for me with your old Romero, your jeans. You look somebody like, what's the girl we've discussed a thousand times? She was married to Richard Gere with the beauty mark. You said you saw her somewhere, and she was still fucking beautiful. What's her name? Who was married to Richard Gere? Cindy Crawford. She's still beautiful. Was's her name? Who was married to Richard Gere? Cindy Crawford. Was it you that saw her?

And said, you got to be kidding me. I ran into her six months ago. Fucking beautiful. There's two girls in my high school that are on Facebook. They have not aged a year. And they both spit out kids. It's also how you take care of yourself. It's the alcohol.

Yes. And whether or not you're happy. The happiness, the alcohol. Yeah. The tobacco. Tobacco is a big one. Tobacco is a big one. Listen, man, I was thinking about this, how it's so weird that once every two years, I don't know what, Joe Rogan, I hate being this person sometimes.

I hate being this person. I like to have something going wrong. Like I still have that bug inside of me. Self-sabotage. Yeah. Still sabotage. Every once in a while, I go up to the comedy store and I see everybody drinking. And I see everybody doing everything else.

And here I am with a fucking water like an asshole. I don't smoke at night when I drive because I can't see at night. You know what I'm saying? So I can't smoke. I can't get high. Sometimes I drive because I can't see at night. You know what I'm saying? So I can't smoke. I can't get high. Sometimes I go in the back and I get high. So every once in a while I go to a Red Band or somebody, give me a fucking cigarette. And I smoke five fucking cigarettes and I'll smoke for a week.

Do you know that, Joe Rogan? I'll pack a cigarette at 8 o'clock at night and smoke like a fiend and throw them out of the car on the way up the hill. Do you know how bad i feel the next day you could see how bad fucking cigarettes are for you and number two is alcohol you know you could see when you say this like how many cigarettes will you smoke like in one night yeah 12 really and i'll throw the other eight away in the garbage. Wow. And then the other day. That's a lot. That's a lot, because I'm a savage. When was the last time you did this?

About two months ago. Really? Yeah. And you don't worry it's going to get you again? No, no, no, no. All that shit is bullshit to me. Why do you think I said that shit to you last week about the Ambien? I wasn't fucking around with you trying to be cute.

I do everything. I'm be cute. I do everything. I'm sober, but I do everything. I'm sober right now, but I do everything. I don't do coke. I don't do heroin. I don't do Oxycontins. Right. But on the road, people give you shit.

And sometimes I put it in my pocket. On the road, people give you shit? Oh, people give me shit all the time. You take the shit people give you? All the time, dude. I just took some acid fucking, somebody gave me blotter acid, and I put it in the battery thing. I have like a shaver, and I took the blotter acid and put it in the battery thing. So it became like battery acid, and I called Lee, and I told Lee it was Wolfman Jack acid.

He didn't know who Wolfman Jack was. Wolfman Jack. There's a guy remember that guy that went on an episode radio guy he went on an episode of the honeymoon of the odd couple one time and felix wanted some music published and it was horrible so oscar was a friend of wolfman jackson he goes up man let me give it the wolfman jack maybe he'll like it and they're both outside the studio away from Wolfman Jack. And Wolfman Jack comes out with two freaks.

He's got a weird look on his face. He's like, man, I dig noises. I dig yells in the night. But he goes, this, I haven't been this depressed in a long time. He goes, this was just bad. Now, if you don't mind, he goes, I got to come down off this battery acid I was drinking last night. So I've never forgotten that line as a kid. That Wolfman Jack.

Look at him. Is he still alive? No. There's a lot of videos. I didn't see his. See if he's still alive. No, he died in 1995. Wow.

That was a long time ago. Oh, yeah. He was born in 38. Jesus Christ. Play that black and white video in the lower right-hand corner. This one? Yeah. Let me hear that.

Give me some volume. Wolfman Jack. Is this going to get us kicked off YouTube? Yeah, it could. Wolfman Jack at WNBC. Air check from August 1973. air check from august 1973 his first night at 66 w end by nbc new york first air check first night wow how weird.

Give me a little, speed that up a little bit. It should come in in a second. Boy, they had a lot of fucking theatrics back then. Before the guy even talks. Several minutes into the recording. What the fuck? Maybe it got better as it went along? No. No, it was a different world back then.

All you had to do was have a big personality, be loud and crazy, and people got used to listening to a certain person on the radio. Radio personalities were a different thing, man. You would become accustomed to listening to someone's voice, and that was the person you wanted to hear. I remember a certain radio DJ, Charles Laquadera, on the big mattress in WBCN in Boston. I'd listen to it every morning. I'd listen to it when I was delivering newspapers.

He was the morning guy. And, like, every place would have a morning guy. And there's still a few of them out there. There's still a few morning guys out there. But, man, they're cutting those guys back. They're cutting those folks back. They're whittling away their budget, taking away their money. They have to do personal appearance at Wild Wings and shit like that

and fucking shoot T-shirts out of a cannon and all that nonsense. It's a dying, dying institution. The radio world is a dying world. It's weird. It used to be everybody had a car radio. You listened to the radio. Drove around. What do we got on the radio?

Oh, it's tune in. What's the good local stations? You'd find them. Listen to some good radio. That shit's gone now, man. It's gone. It's gone. It's crazy.

It's gone. I was never like a talk radio guy. I can't lie to you like a talk. People listen to that talk sports and people call in, fuck you. They love it. The Yankees should have beat one last night. It was a ref job. That shit drives me fucking crazy. By the way,

congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. They were fucking tough. Tough. I don't watch baseball throughout the year I don't have time but the Cuban, when September comes I love the art form, Jeroen it's a beautiful

by the way, not only did I get left back and I got a GED I'm the only Cuban that couldn't play baseball I'm possibly the only Cuban that was the worst baseball player in the fucking world even my mother stopped going to the games I can't, I can't you just embarrassed the shit out of me I was terrible Possibly the only Cuban that was the worst baseball player in the fucking world. Even my mother stopped going to the games. I can't.

I can't. You just embarrassed the shit out of me. I was terrible. But during the playoffs, I watched that shit religiously. Yeah. I talked to my uncle, and he fills me in. My uncle's tremendous. My uncle fucking knows. He's 80.

He's been watching. He knows. So I'll get on the phone with him during the playoffs and he'll be watching. And I'll talk to him. He's ratting me off in Spanish. Look at the way he throws the ball. Look at his finger.

It's a different art. And Boston was just too tough this year. Joe Rogan had thieves. A baseball player with thieves. It's tough to play against them. That's why me and your old partner at the UFC with Tite Goldberg and they had thieves. A baseball player with thieves. It's tough to play against them. What do you mean, thieves? That's why me and your old partner at the UFC with Tite Goldberg were both Cincinnati Red fans.

What do you mean by thieves? People who steal bases. Oh. People who steal bases. I love thieves because they don't let the pitcher get into a rhythm. They get into the pitcher's head and they start dwingling their arms. And now the pitcher's got to keep looking at his shoulder. And if you ever get a chance

to watch an old Cincinnati Red ball park, a good game, if I find one, I'll send it to you. And you watch what the pitcher... You know how when the coach comes out and he takes the ball from the guy and the guy walks off and they call a reliever with the Cincinnati Reds?

The coach would come out and the pitcher would go, take this fucking ball. I never want to pitch again. Because Cincinnati was the king of bunting, getting on first, and then playing with your head. And then they would steal second. Then they would hit a single. The Cincinnati Reds won all those years with Pete Rose.

Pete Rose wasn't a home run hitter. Pete Rose was a hitter. That means every time he came up to bat, you're years, were Pete Rose. Pete Rose wasn't a home run hitter. Pete Rose was a hitter. That means every time he came up to bat, you're going to have a problem. And him and Concepcion and Morgan and all those people, they were just single hitters. Those were the worst. At least with a home run, I know where I stand.

But these motherfuckers that clobber you with singles and doubles, that's a different game. And then I'm stealing from you to really get down. Like, I'm stealing second and stealing third. That's Sparky Anderson, that movie. I know you never watched it, but that's what it was about. The movie with Brad Pitt. He did it about baseball.

Yeah, I never saw that. That's a great movie because he explains to you that it's on base percentage. All that other shit is bullshit. They're like, yeah, but this guy walks a lot. Did he get on base? That's what it's all about. Yeah. And Boston played that same game.

They're thieves. They steal. It was heart attack baseball. You couldn't watch it. If you bet the last five games, God bless you. God bless you. It's heart attack. I got back to my room in

Cleveland. 2.30 in the morning, they were still playing. 2.30 in the morning, I went to bed. The Dodger game was still on. It's tremendous. This is the time of the year. I love playoff baseball. When it starts in April, I don't know nothing. I don't watch none of that shit.

None of that shit. I played baseball when I was a kid. Terrible. I stopped doing it when I got into martial arts. I found out about Taekwondo because I was waiting for a Red Sox game, waiting for the tee to get home. And there was a big-ass line to get to the tee because Fenway Park would let out. And walking back from Fenway Park to the train station, I saw the Taekwondo school. And I went up there, and there was this guy named John Lee.

He was a national heavyweight champion, light heavyweight champion at the time. And he was about to go to the World Cup. And he was up there kicking the shit out of the heavy bag. I'd never seen anything like it in my life. Hearing the sounds of it, I was walking up the stairs. I hear a whomp, kachink, whomp, kachink. And the whomp was him kicking the bag and the kaching was the chain as the bag would go flying through the air and slam against the chain i was like

that is the craziest fucking sound and i walked in there and there's this guy who's just you know at the peak of his physical power he was just at his very best and he was training for a world tournament. And just watching him do that was so terrifying, thinking, like, if someone kicked me like that, like, what it would do to my body. And that's how I got into martial arts. Because I wasn't in the team sports, man. That's one of the reasons why I got into wrestling. At least wrestling, it's me against that guy. I hated team sports.

I hated the fact that we were losers because little Billy dropped the ball. And I didn't play for the team either. They would tell me, all right, Rogan, go try to get a single. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I swung. I either got a home run or I struck out every fucking time I was at bat. Because I got a home run once, and I was like, Oh, that is so much better than getting a single. You can suck dick for the rest of your life for singles. I don't give a fuck

about a single. I felt bad if I got on base and I got a single cause I connected once. And that ball went, I could hit pretty hard. Not ball went fucking flying and it went into the stands. And I was like, Oh, this is what it's about. It's about doing that. It's the only thing that's any good about this stupid fucking, that and catching balls. So many cracks went out there and you catch it. That's pretty fun. I could never even hit a ball.

Like, I never hit a ball in my life. I used to bunt the strikeout. I'm making an excuse. Like, I was just terrible at baseball. I just had no nothing for it. When I went to Miami, I used to go to Red Berries baseball camp in the summers.

Just for a week. It was a week camp that you went to. Basketball was my shit. Basketball I loved. Real good. Real fucking good. Really? Real good. Went to five star basketball camp with Harvey Garfinkel. Do you play anymore?

You ever fuck around? My shoulders are so bad. No, my shoulders over the years. I can't do a jump shot. But you're doing jujitsu. Yeah, but I can't. You can't get me an Americana. You can't.

I tell people, don't Americana me. You can Kimura me. They're that bad? Yeah. Really? I have to go for physical therapy pretty soon. You can Kimora me. They're that bad? Yeah. Really? I have to go for physical therapy pretty soon. Do you ever get them MRI'd? I should, but by the, you know, listen, you got to pick your battles in today's insurance world.

So they're to the point where I could lift, I could go to kickboxing, you know, I could hold a microphone, I'm fine. Right. I'm fine for right now. My left, my right knee is fucked up. That's going to have to do something soon. What's wrong with it? It never fixed. I think when I was doing physical therapy, I re-heard it after the surgery.

What kind of surgery did you get? Meniscus? Meniscus, arthritis, that whole thing. So I'll go back in there again and let it all cleaned up no i love basketball but i also love martial arts growing up i love the whole thing of going to doing forms and practicing and they can do some fucking tremendous shit with stem cells right now joey they could fix all your problems i bet you think my shoulders yep yeah yeah my shoulders fixed they fixed it how flexible are you let me see you grab your hands and do that shit

where you go all the way back and you do all that shit. Oh, yeah, I can do everything. Grab them and go over and you do that shit. What do you mean? Like, there's people who could grab them at my kickboxing place and go all the way over. Grab them and go all the way over? What do you mean?

Yeah, like they do something fucking different. Oh, you're saying, like, do this and go all the way over. They couldn't believe. Grab them and go all the way over? What do you mean? Yeah, like they do something fucking different. Oh, you're saying like do this and go all the way back? Oh, no, no, no. I know what they do. They take the broom and they go that way all the way back. Yeah, I can do that. I'm done. You know what else is real good for you? Hanging. Just hanging. Just grab a hold of the bar,

chin-up bar, and just hang from it. Super good for your shoulders. Stretches them out. Releases impingements. It's good for the joint. Okay. Just go out there to my little gym area out here. Just stretch out. No, listen.

I never got the President's Award either because I couldn't do a pull-up. You don't have to do a pull-up. You understand me? Pull-ups are great for jiu-jitsu, though. You still, to this day, can't do one? No? Never do a pull-up. Even when I was 180, lifting weights.

Really? With strength guys. You couldn't do a pull-up when you were 180? That doesn't even make any sense. I don't know what the fuck it was. When I moved to Snowmass Village, my roommate was from Brown, and he had another brother, and they had another friend. And they had trained under this guy named ira wolf where i grew

up ira wolf went to the olympics to be a trainer and these except for one guy two of these guys are still alive and these guys did not believe in traditional lifting they believed in slow motion heavy lifting 10 count on the way down and a 10 count on the way up. A lot of guys still believe in that. And the strength doubles. Your strength doubles. The strength is so slow motion. You know who's really into that? Einstein. Eddie's black belt, Scott Epstein.

He's really into slow-mo training. He's always into that. Slow-motion lifting. These guys were really fucking into it. And today, the one guy we were talking a while ago, he has no injuries. All that.

They switched me. When I was doing behind the necks, in front of the necks, they're like, you're wasting your time. Just do squats, cleans. What's the other one they do that gets your fucking traps ginormous? Cleans and presses? Just the first one. do that gets your fucking traps ginormous? You just get one 30-foot.

Cleans and presses? Just the first one. Cleans. Don't even press it. Just the first clean. Don't even press it. Right. All that shit I like.

Oh, cleans are tremendous. Yeah, I love all that shit. In fact, I went back to a straight bar. I've been using a straight bar again lately. Yeah, I like the straight bar. I've been squatting. You were doing kettlebell classes for a while too, right? Weren't you?

Yeah, but the kettlebell, see, the problem with the kettlebell is that if you read that guy's book or anything about Pavlov, he says that the kettlebells, I don't even know if that's his name. Pavel. Pavel Tatsulini. It's supposed to be like a 20 to 18, 15 minute workout, kettlebells. Yeah. A 20 to 18, 15-minute workout, kettlebells.

Yeah. What they do is the new CrossFit community has taken kettlebells, and you're just hurting people. Kettlebells are done for you to feel good and to enhance a different workout. Like when I do kettlebells, thank God for on it, I combine it with a club workout. Alberto Crane taught me how to do swings with club bats where you turn the insides of your wrist so everything turns. So, yeah, I burn a lot of fascia on my shoulder because I do it that way.

So when I do a kettleball workout, I incorporate it with the bats from on it, and I do it like a circuit training. There's a straight one, all this. And even with that, even, because I, before I went to physical therapy, I wanted to try the club bats, because they have all the weight on the end, and it helps pull that shoulder all

the way the fuck down. Like, for me to do anything, I gotta stretch my shoulder before and after really deep. I gotta go against the wall, I go underneath. Remember the guy I brought on, Alberto Gazzini? Galini? Galini? Galazzi. I do a lot of his little warm-ups. Yeah, he's got great workouts. Even right now

on it's got that Kettlebell 6. Kettlebell 6 where it's a transformation. They got some great stuff on it. The guy sent it to me at the beginning. They call it something else instead of warm-up. They call it something else. His name is not Josh Wolfe.

John Wolfe? John Wolfe. John Wolfe, good. He's fantastic. Fantastic. The thing about clubs is that they're not that heavy, but they're odd. So, like, you're holding on to the end of it, but the weight is at the other end. And it's this long thing, so it's very awkward.

And you could get a really good workout with 15 pounds. I mean, you really can. That's all I use, 15 and 10. I got a five from on it to break my wrist. You get a five and you really can really break the fascia on your wrist with the five to have an exercise that you go over and twist. We got a full set of them out here if you ever want to use them. Tremendous, tremendous, tremendous.

So that's what I was doing wrong. The kettlebell class, why am I swinging the gorilla? Why am I swinging the fucking gorilla? Why are you swinging the gorilla? I don't know. And then you turned me on to Steve Maxwell's 35 pounds. So now I do 35 and 44 pounds. I love Steve Maxwell's stuff.

So I keep Steve Maxwell. And then you were the one I called you at the last dilemma. And you were like, well, let's do it. So now I do three, three, and three, and I'm out of there. Oh, yeah. I do three Turkish get-ups, three fucking sets of cleans, and three swings. Just do it a few days a week. Yeah.

Listen, if I'm on the road, most hotels now have kettlebells. Really? Most hotels are starting to come around. I go to a hotel, I check, and I go up, I roll a joint. I go downstairs, I smoke, and on the way back, I check by the gym. If I see kettlebells, I'm very happy. But I keep it to that. Three, three, and three.

Because over 50, it should just be three days a week. It takes a lot for you to recuperate. Well, it's also that you can get in more reps over the week. That's really what you want. If you do a lot of reps in one day, the problem is you're destroyed afterwards. But if you do the same amount of reps over the course of five days, just do shorter workouts and do many of them, you don't ever get destroyed. Your body's fine. You do all the other things you do too.

And I think you become more consistent with it. You don't get worried about getting destroyed. I do two kickboxing Muay Thai conditionings, two jiu-jitsu. You know what get worried about getting destroyed. I do two, two, and two. I do two kickboxing and Muay Thai conditionings. Two jiu-jitsu. You know what my jiu-jitsu incorporates? My jiu-jitsu incorporates the class,

doing the technique in three five-minute rows. After that, I get up and walk away because anything after that is defeating, I'm defeating the purpose. Right.

I hit the Novotor bed twice a week, especially on Sundays. The what? The Novotor bed. What is that? The Novotor bed is the week, especially on Sundays. The what? The Novotor bed. What is that? The Novotor bed is the one I told you about the last time. I think they sent you some information because we were discussing it last time.

It's the red light therapy. Oh, okay. I get the Novotor bed twice a week. Are you saying it right? Novotor, yes. Novotor? Bed, look it up. Okay.

I get the Novotor bed twice a week, especially on Sundays to take all the oxidation out. That thing right there? Yes. Thinner, fitter, healthier, happier. And then I go into cryotherapy two or three times a week. So what I did was I shortened my workout and I could do it more often. Me going to a jiu-jitsu class and fighting Eddie to the death does nothing for me. Yeah. I'm not going to improve jiu-jitsu clash and fighting Eddie to the death does nothing for me. I'm not going to

improve. And I'm not going to do that because I'm not going to be able to roll for three or four more days now. Yeah, that's the thing is recovery. I really went online and read after 50. And number one, you got to go for, you got to over 50 strength. Strength. Oh

gosh. Yeah, you have to. Because that sarcopenia will fucking kill you and that's when you start getting hunchy and we all become our grandfather. And when you do stand-up, it's you just gotta be stronger. So I went back. I meet these guys twice a week

and we pack it on. I don't even know what you put on there because it gives me anxiety. And we open up with a squat to really get the system into a fucking frenzy. There's no jumping jacks. There's no bench. We open up with. You warm up first?

I do a little warm up, and the first two sets, I see the fucking devil. It's on a stopwatch. There's no sets. It's on a stopwatch. What do you mean? So he'll go four hours, four minutes, go. So four minutes of squatting? Of squatting.

Four straight minutes? Three minutes, three minutes of squatting. That's a lot of time, squatting. But it's 10 seconds up, 10 seconds back. The last two, I'm fucking, I'm seeing the devil. I'm thinking about getting a heart attack, the whole thing. And then right from there, I go to a pull-down machine. Right from there, I go to a back twister.

It's really weird how he does it, but I'm out of there in 22 minutes. That's a good workout. I mean, 22 minutes. Physical strain, lifting some weights, getting that bone density, tightening up all the muscle groups. And the Malook stick works. That's

the most important thing. I don't end up on NBC doing commercials for ED commercials. You don't want ED, you gotta get the Malook stick works. That's the most important thing. I don't end up on NBC doing commercials for ED commercials. You don't want ED, you got to get the Malook stick. And that's from lifting weights? Bro, since day one. I don't care what anybody tells you. Give me an old guy that's lifting a little lightweight three days a week. He's doing it for his Malook stick.

All that shit they sell. What is it? GNC with Frank Thomas. Hi. And it's good for his Malook stick. All that shit they sell. What is it? GNC with Frank Thomas. Hi. And it's good for your lady, too. That shit don't work. Those Frank Thomas are a bunch of thirsty white people hanging out with him. Oh, those commercials are the worst.

We've played those commercials 30 times. Hey, Frank. How are you? I'm fine. He's got his ladies going. I wish you would do that, Mike. Yeah. Frank's so sexy.

Meanwhile, Frank's a fat fuck. You know what I'm saying? He's a little overweight. He's a little overweight and shit. I'm doing this. That GN Frank's a fat fuck. You know what I'm saying? He's a little overweight. I'm doing this. That GNC shit don't work. You want to keep the malook stick up? Oatmeal? They did a study on this.

I did a study. I did an independent study to see what works the most. Oatmeal with coconut milk in that motherfucker and some deadlifts and some squats. You'll be stabbing people till you're 90. For sure, those things elevate testosterone and increase your hormone levels. That's for sure.

Deadlifts and squats are the kings of exercise. Those are so important because they work your whole chain. They work everything. Dolce loves the fucking deadlift. Dolce, me and him. Everybody does. After I read his book,

that's when I really, I went to the Y one day and I started light. I got a coach the first time to go over the basics with me. And then like three weeks later, I thought I was Mike Dolce, and I went in there and did a set of five deadlifts, bro. I could feel it in my central nervous system. Like it really does hit your central, like you just feel like this fucking weird feeling. Your body realizes, oh, Jesus, this crazy fuck is it needs us to lift weights it needs us to carry heavy things all the time

so your body just gets stronger and there's only one way to get stronger your body's got to increase testosterone it's got to rebuild all that tissue that you're breaking down what place are you in right now brother you're in first place in this contest if i wasn't in first place I'd jump off a fucking building. How's Ari? Number two? I'm disturbed that they thought they were going to win. I'm ahead by like 2,000 points.

I'll tell you right now. What are the rankings there right now? I mean, obviously, out of all these guys, I'm the one who's been working out all the time. I'm obviously, I've been working out my whole life. So I have 10,139. Ari's in second place with 8,299. Yeah. Tommy Bunz in third place.

Tommy has just recently banged out another 100. So he's 8,259. And Bert is strong in last place. Strong. Talking all kinds of mad shit. And he's more than 2,000 points behind me, that slob. And I haven't even worked out today. And when I work out today, they're all going to quit.

I'm going today, even though I'm 2,000 points ahead, I'm going to go for six hours. Today is a day of death. I've gotten as many as 1,000 points in a day. No one has even gotten close to that. You just got to fucking keep going. The thing is when you're exhausted, you go, I can't do this anymore. Yes, you can. Joe Rogan, what do you do for six hours?

You do it for another 20 minutes. I do a variety of different things. Break it down for Uncle Joey. I run the hills with the dog for a good hour. I do about two miles in the hills with the dog. So he's exhausted. Otherwise, he's a puppy. He's two years old.

He's a pain in the ass if he's not worn out. So I wear his little ass out. So we run for two miles, which is in the hills. These are pretty fucking steep hills. It turns out to be about 40 minutes-ish, 45 minutes, close to an hour. Get back, stretch out a little, and then I decide what else I want to do. Yesterday it was kickboxing, so I hit the bag for another hour and a half. I turned on some old fights in the gym and just fucking went to town.

Put on the ringside timer, so it's giving me rounds, and the ringside timer gives me 30 seconds too. So I go 30 seconds hard, 30 seconds not so hard, 30 seconds hard, 30 seconds not so hard, one minute break, drink some water. No, no, no. No shin guards? No shin guards, no. You should really kick the shit out of that fucking bag hard.

Like that? Oh my God. I'm fucking my shins up. I went to kickboxing class and I fucked up one of my fungi toes. It just blew up. It just blew up and blood started coming out of it. I went home later on and said, what the fuck? I did nothing.

My toenails are cut. If you slam your shin into a bag for an hour and a half, a full blast, some tissue is going to break down. Something is going to break down. Right now, everything is sore. My ankles are sore. My knees are sore. My lower back is sore.

I went whole ham yesterday. But, you know, that wasn't a big day for me. Yesterday was like 430-something points. That's a big day for some guys. The most I've ever worked out is I did 6 1⁄2 hours, and I got 1,000 points. I did 5 1⁄2 hours. half hours and I got a thousand points. I did five and a half hours. I got 900 points.

And then I did another hour just to sort of like at the end of the day, just to loosen everything up, but just hit the bag for an hour. Just, I just, because Bert was talking so much shit. I was like, this is like,

Oh, where am I going to put the belt? Everything Joe does. I'm going to double. Like, okay. Okay. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see.

He went hiking with Ari and was quitting while he was hiking. Hiking is walking! It's walking! These guys are walking and they're getting tired and he's talking about beating me in a fitness contest. It's outrageous. Plus, he's enormously

overweight. The one who's the real issue is Ari. Ari's a sneaky fuck. Ari might try to pull it out. Even though he's 2,000 points behind, he might try to murder himself over the next two days, get to 2,000 points, and then put another 1,000 in to beat me on the third day. He literally

might try to do that. But I'm not going to let him. Not going to let him. We're here. We're here. We're queer. They're fighting for second place. Good luck, boys. I let them get close up until a while ago, up until about a week and a half ago, and then I just turned it on.

I'm like, okay, here we go. I had a plan. My plan was to get, you know, first of all, I was not doing this much cardio before. So we're 29 days in. Is today the 30th? What is today? The 29th? 29th. 29. 29 days in. I've taken four days off.

I took three days off because I went to Vegas with my family when I went with the UFC. I said, we're going to go on Thursday, Wednesday until Sunday. I'm not going to work out. I'm just going to have a good time. Relax. See if these guys catch up. So they caught up to me, and that's when Burt posted, Wednesday until Sunday. I'm not going to work out. I'm just going to have a good time, relax, see if these guys catch up. So they caught up to me, and that's when Bert posted, oh, Rogan's in last place. I really hadn't even worked out.

And so I said, okay, I'm done with that. Now it's time to kick it into full gear. And then when I kicked it into full gear, I'm steady every day, three hours a day, three and a half hours a day, four hours a day sometimes. Sometimes two and a half hours in the morning, two and a half hours at night. Just 600 points a day, 700 points a day, 800 points a day, whatever I got to do just to stay way ahead. And my goal was so the last few days to be so far ahead that they're fucked

and they're all just scratching and clawing for second place. What's the stuff this year? You don't get anything. I wanted the loser to have to drink a goblet of everybody else's piss. That's what I wanted. Because I wanted Bert to drink piss. I feel like Bert has to lose this.

I don't see how Tom's going to... Tom was sick. He was sick as a dog on antibiotics for like five days. Came back in one day and he ran 13 motherfucking miles for 600 points. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Ran around the neighborhood 13 fucking miles.

The dude ran for three and a half hours. Just ran. Doesn't want to lose. And doesn't want to lose to Bert. Even if he only comes in third place, as long as he's not Burt, as long as he beats Burt, that's where everybody's at

because Burt talks so much shit. Everybody just wants to make sure that Burt loses. He's got the DiMaggio gene. Oh, he's got the Mickey Mantle gene. Mickey Mantle gene. He thinks he can just half-ass his way through something that's an actual competition because he's just,

look, he can push himself, but there's a big difference between pushing yourself and pushing yourself for a whole month. That's where he's falling apart. And he's been talking so much shit that we're all laughing at him. So yesterday, we're all, everybody was going out. Was it today? This was a couple hours of yesterday.

I'm out here jogging. Look at his tits bouncing. What did he say? He's sandbagging? He said Ari and Tom are sandbagging. Hi'm out here jogging. Look at his tits bouncing. What did he say? He's sandbagging? He said Ari and Tom are sandbagging. I have my headsets in. Sorry if I sound super aggressive. I still love them, but man.

Sandbaggers, bro. Sandbaggers. What does that mean? What's a sandbagger? He said Ari held on to his stats for like a week before he turned him in. He did. He said Tom was lying about being sick. No, no, no, no.

Ari held on to his stats, and he's allowed to do that. Look, we're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to. The manly thing to do is to put it all on the table and make everybody try to fucking keep up. That's the manly thing to do. But Ari is obviously a sneaky fuck, right? And he obviously is also the one who worked out the least out of all of us. So he, at one point in time, stored up 1,000 points and had them on his device

and then released them, and Bert went fucking crazy. You fuck! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Because Bert thought he was ahead of Ari, and then all of a sudden Ari shot ahead of him. That's how it works. This is a competition. It's a fight for last right now, right? Between them.

Yes. It's a fight for last, and Burt's going to lose that fight. He's going to be last. Tom's going to work out today. Tom's going to pay. Tom, I told you, Tom got 600 fucking points yesterday. Oh, they're fighting. They're fighting in a group text.

Let me see what's going on here. Oh, my God, it's long. It's very long. Oh, boy, there's a lot. There's God, it's long. It's very long. Oh boy, there's a lot. There's a lot of fighting. Bert's very angry. Very, very, very angry. He's very angry because

he realizes he's going to come in last. Because he was saying yesterday, here's what's hilarious. He goes, he goes, and you're barely winning. I go, Bert, I'm ahead of you.

Yesterday was 2,300 points. I go, do you have any idea what the fuck you would be saying if you were ahead by 2,300 points? And he goes, I'd be respectful, and I'd be... Like, you fucking liar, man. You'd make a t-shirt about it, probably. You fucking liar. Look, this is a rigged game. If I don't get hurt, it's a rigged game.

That's just what it is. Now, anybody drink? Anybody smoke? Anybody got caught drinking the smoke and nothing? Don't you think that Bert's drinking? Didn't you say you looked at you funny? All right. Let me tell you the fucking story.

And you tell me what you think, okay? Because this was the fucked up day. My feelings were even hurt. Every Wednesday I go to pizza after karate with Mercy. We go eat pizza and we're sitting there. It's the neighborhood pizza joint. We're sitting there and I look at my wife and I go, isn't that Burt? And it's a dude walking through the neighborhood looking just like Burt with a hat on.

I put my pizza down and go out, and I go, hey, cocksucker, I see that you're drinking because it looked like he had a six-pack or whatever holding it. And he turned around, waved at me, and kept walking. This is Burt Kreischer, right? This is Burt Kreischer. This is a guy that, you know, I figured he'd come back and talk to me. So the next day, Lee tells me.

I tell Lee that. I go, yeah, I saw Bert today and yelled at him. He didn't come on and talk to me. Lee puts down, Lee tells me that Bert put down a tweet that one of his fans yelled at him. Yeah, he saw someone. He didn't know who it was. And he didn't know who it was. And he kept walking.

He knew who the fuck it, dog, if I yell at you, you'll know it's fucking me. If I say cocksucker at the end of the speech, you know it's me. Look what else Burt does. First of all, Burt knows he's behind a staggering amount. He put in the most bitch-ass workout today. He got, what is this, 149 points? That is not enough. He worked out for an hour and 50 minutes. He got 149 points? That is not enough. He worked out for an hour and 50 minutes.

He got 149 points. Because look at the end. See the end, all those grays? Maybe it stayed on or something. No, no. He kept his strap on. He worked out. It says an hour and 40 minutes.

He worked out for 40 minutes, and he kept his strap on for an hour. Trying to get some extra. Yeah, because he's dying. So his heart's elevated. So he gets some points for having an hour. Trying to get some extra. Yeah, because he's dying. So his heart's elevated. So he gets some points for having an elevated heart. But look at this. All this gray shit at the end. See, folks?

See all this? I can barely see it. You can't? I can see it. Here, let me do something here. I'll show people here. All this nonsense. Well, it's not going to work.

people here. All this nonsense. It's not going to work. You get for 80% of your heart rate, you get yellow. For 90% of your max heart rate, you get red. I tried to go all red the first day.

I'm like, I'm just going to kill them. I'm just going to sprint for half an hour and just make these guys catch up. There's no way they'd catch up. Then Ari, in his fucking ingenious and devious ways, found out that you get just as many points for 80% as you get for 90%. We figured so that they avoid lawsuits. So we said, okay.

So it seems like the sweet spot is in 80%. So just stick to 80%. So you can do that, or you can be like Burt, and Burt barely gets to 70%, mostly stays in the 60% range, which is gray. And then 80%, which is, well, 60% is like there's 50, 60, and 70. And 70 is green. No. Yeah. 70 is green.

And then blue is 60. So he's mostly blue. 60% of his mass heart rate. Which, by the way, I might be at right now. Because I'm getting angry. So if you got mad, you'd be in the blue. And you get two points a minute for the blue. You get four points a minute for the yellow.

There it goes. See, 60% to 70%, you get blue. Burt is almost all gray and blue. And if you look at this fucking slobbery workout he's got, look at all that shit. It's 60% and lower most of his workout. So that means most of the workout that he did for an hour and 49 minutes is him with a fucking thing on just sitting around. It's an hour and 30 minutes. So most of it is him with the thing on just sitting there being fat.

That's all it is. Now let me ask you this. What is this called? Because I like to go on this. It's called MyZone Fitness Tracker. This is the thing. And you put it on your chest? Yes.

Once I snap this in, it'll start measuring my heart rate, and I'm going to put it on when I get out of here. I'm going to start working out. These are the three days of death. Today's Monday. Tomorrow's Tuesday. And Wednesday, we go crazy, Joey Diaz. Wednesday, I work out to 11.59.

And then at 11.59, I pop that off, and I walk away. At 11.59. And then at 1159, I pop that off and I walk away. At 1159. And then I go have a glass of wine because it hits midnight. No weight qualifications on this? Not that nobody's going to lose weight. No, there's no losing weight.

I probably fucking gained weight. I haven't lost any weight. I've eaten everything that moves. I've put in zero dietary restrictions. I ate a whole carrot cake the other day. The amount of calories that I'm burning everything that moves. I've put in zero dietary restrictions. I ate a whole carrot cake the other day. The amount of calories that I'm burning is fucking insane. I'll give you, for instance, on a day, like a good calorie day, in terms of how much.

Yesterday, one workout, 2,214 calories. One workout. Three hours, 25 minutes. And then the day before that, 1,94 calories. One workout. Three hours, 25 minutes. And then the day before that, 1,930 calories. The day before that, there was two workouts. One was 1,876 calories. One was 2,210 calories. I mean, it's an insane amount of calories.

One workout I had was 4,900 calories. And what's that entail? Like when you get your heart up to 80, is that the running or the lifting? I can't just do one thing. I go crazy. Right, okay. I'll get bored. All right.

So I lift, but the lift doesn't give me much. Lift is like blue and green. That's all you ever get from lifting is blue and green. And that's swings or? It's all you ever get from lifting. And that's swings or? Chin-ups, presses, cleans and presses, windmills, clean press squats, renegade rows. All kettlebells.

All kettlebells, yeah. So the lifting doesn't give you much. Doesn't give you much. How would jiu-jitsu fare? Jiu-jitsu would probably be pretty good, but this thing would get in the way. Right, right. If anybody mounted you, it would crack. This thing would crack. If you lost this, oh, my God, it would be death.

Like, I could break this with my finger. I'm pretty sure I could break this. It feels like it's getting in. Muay Thai burns a lot. Yes. That's the number one. I did an hour and a half of hitting that bag yesterday. You know, because I have the gym at home.

Right. So I went fucking hog on the – I put fights on. Once I put fights on, I get fired up. You just start fucking wailing on that bag and keeping the party going. But, see, if I got cocky right now, these fucks could catch me. Especially Ari, because he's probably going to sandbag some more and hide his numbers. Because he just wants to beat Burt. Because he got super pissed at Tom.

He's like, what the fuck, Tom? Because Tom put up all those points yesterday. 600 points in a day is a lot of points. But like I said, the dude ran. Like, I'll tell you what he did. He ran 13 fucking miles in his neighborhood. And this is after being sick. But he's feeling it today.

Yeah, today he gets 145 points. That's not good. You're today he gets 145 points. That's not good. You're not going to win with that. See, they're not trying to win. They're trying to beat Burt. I know that Burt went to crowd therapy. I know that one day he was at U.S. crowd therapy because I went over there and they're like,

Burt just left here. So I knew he was doing something, but I know he hasn't been going consistently. Burt doesn't do anything consistently, but he doesn't watch his diet either. That's the problem with Bert. He's not watching his diet. He's not eating well. Bert's not an eater.

It's the booze, dog. Yeah. That sugar's a motherfucker. It is. That shit turns into sugar at night. Beers will kill you. You know what else kills you? Acai bowls.

Yeah. People think that they're fucking healthy. There's a ton of shit that fucking kills you. Sugar and acai that kills you yeah just stick to an apple and a banana i try you know i love acai bowls though they make them at my house with chia seeds and juju but i'll tell you berries when i'm in the middle of like these brutal workouts i'll drink a whole soda in the middle of a workout i drank a cream soda yesterday in the middle of a workout i needed sugar i needed it how do you know you need it because i felt like i needed it i was fucking i'm burning up so many calories and i'm my my blood sugar is crashing so hard i'm eating fruit i mean i when i the one day that i worked out uh where i did five and a half hours i was eating boxes of animal crackers i was eating

everything i could what i do is what you told me to do. When I get home from Thai or lifting, and I make a protein shake, I swear to God, I take Hershey's syrup. You told me just to put a little bit. And I just go, tick.

A little sugar's not bad after a workout. A second of it. And with the Mexican chocolate, it works perfect. It tastes like fucking, you know. So I do that with the protein drinks. But I try to avoid sugar. Nothing no more. Yeah, you definitely should avoid sugar.

But see, what's happening with these workouts is you're dealing with an extreme loss of electrolytes, an extreme loss of glucose. I mean I'm putting salt in all my water. I'm drinking a bunch of these Nalgene. You know what a Nalgene bottle is? Like with a twist top, it's a thick, heavy plastic 32-ounce bottle of water. I'm drinking three and four of those in a workout. In those, I'm putting electrolytes, and then I'm putting sprinkles of Himalayan salt. So I'm putting like a little, like a half a teaspoon of Himalayan salt in each one of them, shaking it up.

Because I am losing insane amounts of water. I sweat so hard, I set off the fucking alarm. I set off my fire alarm in my gym from sweat, from my steam. The whole room was like a shower from me steaming. And I put it up on Instagram. This is the kind of workout I'm doing. I mean, I'm pushing hard. Because they're not making it easy.

These guys are actually doing it. There's so much steam in this room from my workout that I set off the fucking fire alarm. That's legit. Those puddles on the ground, that's not from me pissing my pants. That's all sweat. So I'm sweating so much.

Yeah, you need to put the salt in. Because I'm staying in the 80, 80% of your max heart rate range for hours. I'm staying there for hours so my thought was there's no way they can do that they're not going to do that there's no way they're not going to do that for five hours they're just not so like if i did one day like that i felt like one day where i did i got 935 points in one workout and then another 100 points afterwards i'm like one day where I got 935 points in one workout and then another 100 points afterwards. I'm like, one day like that will separate me from the pack. Just one day. Just put fear in there.

I'm going to ask you something. Fear in there. Let me just ask you something. Just to be fair to everybody here. What about some of the stuff you do? Doesn't that kind of... You mean like testosterone? Yeah.

100% helps. I told them too. Well, then you can't. This is a... I told them this is a fucking... You should have made them shoot shit, all those motherfuckers.

I gave them my doctor's information. I told them what they should do. Look, I'm also at least eight years older than all of them. All of them, right. How old are you? 41.

41. I'm 51. Yeah. I'm older than all of them. Yeah, but the testosterone. It helps. I gotta get you side on this one. Oh, yeah, you should.

I'm failing all those tests. Yeah, testosterone replacement therapy, hormone replacement therapy. I started doing all that when I was 40. So that's their age. Yeah, it makes a big difference. Makes a big difference. Fuck yeah. Look, listen, everybody.

Everybody listen to this. There's a stigma attached to that in a lot of people. Like, you know, where do you get your testosterone from? I get it from my balls. All that matters is that you have it in your system. If you don't have it in your system, you're not going to feel as good. It's real simple. If you're fine with not feeling as good, good. Go ahead. Stick with that. But if you're not fine with it, this is 2018. Hormone replacement therapy exists for a reason. And that reason is it makes you feel way better. It makes your body work way better.

You can avoid a host of ailments and conditions that are related to your body breaking down due to age with hormone replacement therapy. The key to doing it though is to do it correctly. You're supposed to go to a doctor that's going to test your blood levels, test your nutrient levels, and adjust your diet first. The first thing that happens is they want to find out how much you're sleeping, how stressed out you are, what are you eating, how much water are you drinking, are you getting the proper amount of protein and vegetables, are you eating correctly, let's get you off of the sugar, let's get you off the booze, let's get you off cigarettes or whatever else

is before they do anything. So they put you that, this is a many, many month process that I went through where they get you off all these different things and you make these adjustments. And then they start adding a little stuff, add a little bit of growth hormone, add a little bit of testosterone. First it was cream and then it became injections. Takes a little bit of time to figure out what works best. And then you get to a point where you have the hormone levels of a healthy young man.

You don't want to elevate. You don't want to be higher than that. That's when you run into problems. You don't want to be in some crazy Vitor Belfort when he got popped from Nevada and he was like some superhuman levels. What was the guy from Denver that was 80% over? Remember on a Sunday night against, he was supposed to fight Rumble Johnson. What's the guy from Denver?

The Christian. Nice guy. Nate Marquardt. Nate Marquardt level. Yeah. Really high in Pittsburgh that night. That's right. Yeah.

It was Pittsburgh. He was in danger. He was like, it was dangerous to his health, the levels. But he says that was his doctor. His doctor fucked him. The whole idea, well well there's a difference between first of all there's a big difference between someone who's competing in mixed martial arts obviously you have to worry about your opponent getting hurt because of the fact that

you're enhanced and these are young guys that are doing this when nate was doing this he was like 30 years old right when you're talking about just general health and wellness, testosterone replacement therapy, hormone replacement therapy, there's a reason why a lot of older guys, especially guys who can afford it, they have money, they're doing it, it makes you feel better. It just does. And if you don't want to do it, that's fine. There's ways of elevating your testosterone natural.

They just don't work as well. Whether it's deadlifts or running hills, doing sprints, they work a little bit better. It works a little bit better than nothing. Squats are very good. Yeah. They're good. But not enough for what you're saying.

No. There's going to be a difference. There's going to be a difference. They can raise them through acupuncture. I know that she's, I've discussed raising levels of testosterone through acupuncture. I would like to see studies on that. The problem is it's really painful. Acupuncture is painful?

For that process, it's in your feet. Yeah. I'd like to see studies on that. I don't know if that's really been proven. If that was really proven, there's ways to raise it. The chick I was with for years told me different case studies that she had been involved in. Yeah. And she told me a guy came in once that found the younger girlfriend.

His wife passed, and they found the younger girlfriend. And he couldn't keep up? And he couldn't keep up, so he came in to see her, and she did a bunch of stuff and put him on a T. And he came back a week later and said, turn that shit off because my dick will not shut down. But she told me, she goes, I could raise your testosterone levels, but it has to be needling through your feet. And you're going to find that a little bit uncomfortable.

And I was like, leave it alone then. I don't want to fucking walk around. All this stuff that we're talking about, whether it's hormone replacement therapy or squats or deadlifts, all these things will help. Hormone replacement therapy helps the most. The most. The thing about this kind of a competition that we're doing, though, we're not doing anything that you need massive amounts of testosterone. No, this is something. What this is about is willpower.

Willpower for a month, 30 days. That's all this is about. But a lot of it is discipline and willpower. And if I have any advantage, it's that I have a gym in my house and I have a gym in my studio. And I run with my dog almost every day in the hills. And I've been doing that for years. I've been taking that dog running since he was six months old.

He runs in the hills with me all the time. You fall in love with running. I love it. You know why I love it, Joey? Here's a big thing. Because it makes me feel better in terms of my mental state. I'm happier when I run all the time. This whole month, I feel great, and I don't just feel great because I'm not smoking pot.

Maybe that's help. Maybe that's good in some way. Maybe it's good to not smoke as much pot, even though I enjoy it. Maybe it's not good to smoke as much as I do. You're going to smoke Thursday morning? I don't know. No. Thursday I'm flying to New York.

I probably won't smoke. I mean, I might smoke a little over the weekend. I'm going to play some pool with my boy Tommy Jr. down in New York. But the thing that really helps, because I'm doing insane amounts of exercise, hours and hours of exercise a day, you don't give a fuck about normal bullshit. Like all the chatter, all the negative chatter in your head, that shit goes away. It doesn't exist.

I don't care. I'm super calm. No anxiety. Anxiety goes away. I think, I'm not a depressed person. I don't suffer from depression. But I had Tyson Fury on the podcast. Yeah, last week. I haven't listened yet. Amazing.

Amazing. He's a fucking he's a brave man. The way he opened up about this. I read the comments and whatnot. Yeah, but the way he opened up about his suicidal thoughts and depression. I think all that stuff. It helps. It doesn't just help. It helps fucking tremendous.

If I found a drug, if a doctor put me on medication, I was like, Doc, I'm fine. I'm happy. Everything's good. The doc's like, I would just like you to just try this for a while and tell me how it makes you feel. Just put me on something. And I had to take a pill a day. And I felt as good as I feel right now sitting in front of you. I would be like, wow, you were right.

I feel better. This exists. But it only gets to you through discipline. And no, but you can't give someone something that forces them to work out. Almost every fucking day I worked out this month, I didn't want to do it. Almost every day. The only thing that kept me doing it is burt going i'm gonna double what joe does all that that got me angry that got my competitive juices stirred and just

the idea that these guys i've been working out my whole life these guys barely work out like they're gonna beat me in some sort of fitness competition that involves willpower i'm like that's not going to happen i'm going to put in more time than you. I'm just going to. But all that aside, when I did do it, just doing it, I feel fucking fantastic. Well, remember the tapes you made of me in House of Blues where you were concerned? I was like, I don't want to live no more and all that. I wasn't working out.

Yeah. Now I do something four days a week minimum. Since I've been on Weight Watchers I didn't hit the plateau one week because I was on antibiotics. I got a rash on my leg and so when I lifted I felt a little weird but I still did everything else. It's hard to exercise on antibiotics.

I felt it lifting. When I was doing the squats I had to stop. I had to stop. In fact I went off the anti. I was like I can't had to stop. So, in fact, I went off the ant. I was like, I can't live like this. There's very few things that will kill your system like antibiotics. No, no, I couldn't do it. And that's a real wake-up call for people that don't understand the benefits of probiotics.

Because probiotics, like taking acidophilus or eating kimchi or eating anything that's going to help your microbiome, it's so beneficial to your well-being, to the way you feel, the way your health is, your vitality. All that stuff is connected. I like yogurt. Yogurt's fucking great for you. I love yogurt. Greek yogurt?

I eat yogurt a lot. I don't like the Greek as much as the other one. I get the low point one. I'm a kimchi guy. I eat that shit almost every day. I love that shit juice, but you got to watch the sugar in that. What juice is that? Oh, kombucha?

Yeah, you do have to watch the sugar. You got to watch the sugar in that. I got a two-point kombucha for eight ounces. That's not bad. No, it's not bad. That's not bad at all. It's very beneficial, though. Very beneficial.

Kombucha is fucking amazing. It's really good at avoiding sicknesses. But with this exercise, the amount of exercise that I'm doing, I'll drink bottles of that shit. I don't worry about nothing. There's a lot of benefit in that to me, just to be able to eat whatever the fuck I want. I mean, I've been eating everything in front of me, man, this whole month. I mean, I've doubled how much food I eat. Just eating like a fucking – it's crazy how much I eat.

I got to watch everything, Jerome. I get it. I don't touch meat at the six. What I'm doing is not sustainable. I do salmon at night. Salmon's good. I do a lot of chicken breast. My meat intake has cut just to a third.

I don't agree with you on the meat intake anymore, especially at night. I don't fuck with that shit at night no more. If I eat meat, it's maybe three times a week. Don't get me wrong. I still crave a fucking steak, but if I take my wife out on a date for the steak, the first thing I do is cut it in half.

And I save it for the next day for breakfast or something. Nothing wrong with that. I try to eat meat early in my day. Let it digest by the time the end of the day. Yeah, I don't like it at night no more. No more. No more. It's funny, the day we were talking,

when your mother was visiting, and you and I were talking about Italians that they can't eat pasta after they're 50, that they lose their mind. You know, as you get older, you lose things. You just can't eat them. And I've had, I think Sebastian told me that gravy bothers him,

and my buddy in Jersey was hysterical. He's like, I can't even walk past a pizza place no more. Well, it's also. Don't whap to your feet. The feet gout. They get gout. Yeah, you can get that. You get gout from sauce, from the acidity in the sauce.

People get it from wine, you know. It used to be called like emperor's disease. Because people would just sit around and drink wine when they were rich like it's like it was a rich person's disease way back in the day is wine bad no wine's no wine's not bad it's good for you everything's bad in excess excess you know i mean sugar's terrible in excess you have you know like the rock eats like a fucking a plate of cookies one day a week nothing wrong with that nothing wrong with a day where you fuck off, have a cheat meal. There's nothing wrong with that.

As long as the majority of your diet is healthy. The majority of your diet should consist of leafy green vegetables, healthy fats, healthy meat, you know, grass-fed beef is my favorite. Fuck you, pussies. Egg whites? You need yolks. They're good. I you, pussies. Egg whites? You need yolks. They're good. I eat yolks like a motherfucker.

One of our sponsors, what was the egg sponsor? I forget the sponsor, but they sell actual cage-free eggs. People say cage-free, but they're all fucking jammed in together. They might as well be in a cage. Vital Farms. Spell it. Vital Farms. V-I-T-A-L, but they're all fucking jammed in together. They might as well be in a cage. What is it? Vital Farms. Spell it? Vital Farms.

V-I-T-A-L, right? Vital Farms. And the eggs that they have are fucking dark orange yolk. That robust yolk. They taste better. They taste better. That's because those chickens... See that shit? That's what a fucking egg is supposed to look like.

You still got the chickens? Yep. Are they still giving you great eggs also? Man, they haven't been giving me eggs lately. I've been getting like a couple eggs a day at the moment. This is a company that sponsors you? Yeah. Oh, I'm going to go there.

My chickens are getting old, man. That's the problem. They'll send you eggs to your house? Yeah. Well, I don't know. I think I've seen it in the store. I recognize that packaging. I think they're just selling them in the store.

Yeah. But, you know, they have services that will deliver stuff from stores to your house now. How crazy is that? Cubans eat eggs, fried eggs on white rice. It's good. Jesus Christ. Eggs are fantastic. And then they break the yolk on the fried rice.

I love it. On white rice. I love it. And then the other Cuban thing is white rice with a steak on top. I love it. With two eggs on top of that. And you're supposed to bring it. Yes.

You know what they call it? Eggs on horseback. Where, what, how are you? Oh. Where, what, how are you? Eggs on horseback. I like it. That's disgusting, Joe Rogan.

What are you talking about? It sounds amazing. Oh, my God. When that yolk breaks over the steak, I can't have that. No. What are you saying? And especially over white rice. I'm hungry right now.

Jesus Christ. I eat steak and eggs all the time. I love steak have that. No. What are you saying? And especially over white rice. I'm hungry right now. Oh, Jesus Christ. I eat steak and eggs all the time. I love steak and eggs, but again, I got to watch the fucking once a week. Yeah. Once every 10 days. I can't eat fucking pancakes. No. The hearty pancakes, I can have one from Denny's.

Pancakes is just a bunch of bread. It's just bread. But they have the hearty oats ones with a little bit of zero-calorie maple syrup. Well, you know what you can get? There's a company called No Foods, K-N-O-W Foods, and they make waffles that are like, I don't know what they use, almond flour or something like that. They taste good, low-carb, very low-sugar. They fucking taste fantastic, and they have a zero sugar syrup that tastes

fucking great i'll put melted butter on those motherfuckers and that zero sugar syrup and eat the shit out of those waffles fucking they taste good zero sugar syrup is good that's good and you eat it you don't feel bad it tastes good it tastes really fucking and when it's, you don't feel bad. It tastes good. It tastes really fucking good. And when it's over, you don't feel like a fucking, like you got hit with an insulin dart. You don't feel like that feeling that you get when you eat like real waffles with real sugar. See, I never got to enjoy that shit as a kid. The end, you're like, oh. An hour later, you barely can walk. Not with these.

You eat these fucking things and you feel fantastic. Joey Diaz, your Netflix special. It's out tomorrow, right? Tomorrow. Jesus Christ. I put up a thing that our boy Michael Klein made for One by One Podcast. Yeah. I can't do a lot of degenerate things, but there's a lot of things I won't do.

You can't play a man's stand up in front of him. It's a matter of truth. I have no fucking problems looking at myself. I like the clip. The clip looks good. front of him. It's a matter of choice. I have no fucking problems looking at myself. But I like the clip. The clip looks good. Yeah. It's funny. It's funny.

I'm very thankful to Netflix for giving me the half-hour. I just feel at times like I didn't do really well on the show. I felt like... You're hard on yourself. You're an artist. No, but I felt like, And not to try to be cute It's funny like when you see Rhonda get kicked And she was sitting there for the first three minutes

She was upset about the kick But you're also upset about The training, you see all the holes in your training Where you've made mistakes Little mistakes you've made Even two weeks ago when Conor went down For a couple minutes he was just sitting there He's not thinking about the $30 million he made.

There's nobody. You're thinking about the mistakes that got you there, you know. And it was weird that I didn't think I did that well on a Netflix special. Because personally I wanted to do better, you know. But ever since that, you can't. Ever since Utah, July, June 30th, I've been on a different level as a stand-up comic. I went back to the Mitzi Shaw technique.

I don't give a fuck. I'm 55. If you don't like me, I don't give a fuck. If I offend you, I really don't give a fuck. This is who I am, and that's it. I've been having some tremendous sets in the original movie. That's the benefit of doing these things. Because I don't give a fuck no more.

The benefit of doing these specials is you grow. You abandon all the material, and then you're forced to regroup, and you're forced to look at the material and look at your set, see what you don't like. Some people never do that, Joey, and they never grow because of that. But the growth I've had since June 4th, I feel like Dustin Poirier and Max Holloway together. Like, I see it.

Like, in the original room now, I'm back to rare form. Like, I finally had a watch. It just got in my head. I had a watch couple. I had some Red Fox specials. I watched a couple of any Bruce specials. I went back to my favorite. I got all the vinyl from Richard Pryor.

I went back and listened to it. I came to the conclusion that what was I giving a fuck about? I can't give a fuck about audiences. This is who the fuck I am. I'm going to unleash the wrath of fucking God on you. And when we come out of here, we'll see what the fuck it is. You know, the worst thing i did was a week before jim norton says something that kind of bothered me once and then i understood

after he said it he said he didn't watch people's specials me i like watching comedy specials i love watching them but a week before my special did the worst thing in the world. I watched John Mulaney's special, who's a great writer. Who's a great writer. I'm not a great writer. Everything with me is my energy. So I wanted to be John Mulaney. And that's what I felt. Looking back now, now I got it all out of the way. I know exactly who the fuck I am. And you're in trouble. I'm taking you into murky waters now. Every show. And I'm going to say something to offend you

because that's who I am. I got to talk this dirty shit. You know, I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks anymore. But every once in a while, my wife calls it,

Joey, you're having a white moment. You're not white, you're Cuban. Knock the fuck off. Like, I get headshots. My wife's like,

here he goes again. Getting a white moment. I don't even, do you have head. Knock the fuck off. Like, I get headshots. My wife's like, here he goes again. Get no white moment. I don't even have, do you have headshots? No, no. I don't have headshots. I haven't had headshots in decades. No, you don't need them no more. What do we give a fuck about headshots? You know who the fuck we are? Just a picture of me offline. Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

You look so old and I don't give a fuck. Just use it. Thank you very much for having me. Thank you, brother. And it's always a pleasure. Will I see you this week? Yeah. Yeah, I'll be around this week. You coming? Well, actually, no, you know, because I've got some shit to do before I leave for New York.

I'm not going to be around. But I'll be around after that. Okay. November 1st. I love you. I'm going to tear. I love you, too, man. Thank you very much for having me.

My pleasure, brother. Always great to see you. Always. So tonight it airs at midnight. Does it? L at midnight LA time Yours is the 30th So tonight you can check it out Live on Netflix

Shout out to Netflix Thank you very much Love you Perfect.