The Joe Rogan Experience - #1195 - Christina P

Episode Date: November 6, 2018

Christina P is a stand-up comedian and hosts a podcast with her husband, Tom Segura, called “Your Mom’s House” available on Spotify. She's also on the new Netflix Original Stand Up series "The Degenerates" streaming now.

Aren't they making James Bond a woman? I think they are making James Bond a woman. I hope it's a black woman who's queer. That's the only way for justice to be served. And non-binary. Yes, but what does that mean? Her gender can switch throughout the film, depending on where she is. Oh, that's non-binary?

Gender flux? Gender fluid. I thought that was gender fluid. Gender fluid, sorry. What's your pronoun today? Gender fluid. I thought that was gender fluid. Gender fluid. Sorry. Yeah. What's your pronoun today? Zer. I've always wanted to have a Z in there. Yeah.

Zs are cool. Yeah. Zorro. Zoros. Zer. I feel like your highness. Oh, that's good. That's a good one.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, your highness can be a guy or a girl. Whoa. Whoa, that's good. Yeah, your highness can be a guy or a girl. Whoa. Whoa, it's gender neutral. Your highness. Now, if you said, I'm a princess, I would go, okay, well, you're gendering yourself. That's true. That's true, and I refuse to do that.

I have two little boys, and we force them to be gender neutral. They don't play with rocks and stuff. I was watching a show on that, a legit show on that from Cambridge. This couple was raising their kid gender neutral. They don't play with rocks and stuff. I was watching a show on that, a legit show on that, from Cambridge. This couple was raising their kid gender neutral. They have two kids, and they were both wearing whatever. They were wearing weird clothes. It didn't necessarily look like they were wearing boys' clothes or girls' clothes, and they didn't call them girls or boys.

They let them play with anything they wanted, and they didn't call them boys. What did they say? It was fucking weird. It was just some poor guy who's stuck with some crazy bitch. Exactly. And she's, you know, and he was probably trying really hard to be like progressive and like figure out a what, you know, how do we not gender our children? And yeah.

And it's interesting you do that voice because they all do up speak at the end they do to be enlightened well it's the only way to show you're progressive because if you notice conservative people just don't talk like that no you need to stop the caravan before it gets to the wall donald trump is our savior because he's like the one who really appreciates like American values. You never hear that. It's only, it's a super liberal calling. It is.

It is. Oh, but back to this non-binary. We did a clip on your mom's house. There was a couple somewhere in the Netherlands and they had a three-year-old Zimzer child and another. Zimzer. Two Zimzers. And every day they would had a three-year-old Zimzer child and another two Zimzers and and every day they would ask the three-year-old what gender do you feel like today and I'm like yeah talk about the pressure and I'm like I have a almost three-year-old I'm pretty

sure he doesn't know he doesn't think in terms of yeah he, he's like, I don't know. I'm whatever. But to put the pressure, like, what are you today? What are you feeling? Yeah. My eight year old loves to play with things like race cars. And she used to love to play with trucks. And she used to love to play. She's a girl. She's a, yeah.

She, she, she loves to play with superheroes and things like that. Some of them are very – but then again, she loves pink and she likes getting her nails done and she likes looking pretty. And there's some cool shit that boys like that girls like too. She's pretty aggressive. She takes MMA classes and she throws boys around. She gets super hyped up when she has to wrestle with boys. I love it. It's crazy to watch, a little psycho, aggressive eight-year-old.

But she's also really sweet, the sweetest kid to everybody. Just gets real competitive with that kind of stuff. Yeah, they say that that's the magic age, eight, nine in girls, where they're very confident. It's like the end of the confidence era. And then puberty strikes and the hormones take over and the pressure. Yeah. To be sexy.

So Pippi Longstocking, that cool ass character who was doing that shit. Remember Pippi Longstocking beating up cops? She had like a treasure trove. So she was a millionaire on her own. Her dad was a pirate. Really? Hell yeah, dude. Remember those old Pippi Longstockings?

I don't remember Pippi Longstockings very much. I remember the name. I don't remember the narrative. Oh, she was great. And it was subtitled poorly. And her lips didn't match up with what she was saying. It was on Channel 5 in L.A. every Sunday afternoon. Where is it from originally?

Sweden, I believe. Astrid Lindgren wrote these books about her daughter, who was that age. Eight years old is the magic age. There she is, the original one. Pippi Longstocking. And she said,

girls are kind of smelly, kind of awkward, and that's before puberty robs you of your, you know. Wow. Now, fuck this new school. I'm talking the old 70s bitch there she goes she's got a monkey hey she had a monkey i know you love monkeys i do love monkeys

she had a monkey a scarf yeah dude she was badass she beat the shit out of people wow uh but yeah i think i play with uh boy stuff too because dad, I was raised by a single dad somewhat. So he gave me like a BMX dirt bike and I would ride it in the LA River, you know. And then I like dolls too. And that's what makes a female comic. So you might have. Yeah, there's always something fucked up. Because none of us are normal.

That's a fact. Find one that is. I never met one who's normal my husband i'm sorry mr pijitsky do you love it garth brooks is doing that have you seen that it's hilarious it's fucking hilarious yeah what is that it's i think it's somebody people don't know what we're talking about okay so garth brooks who's infinitely talented yeah i'm not saying the guy's not talented he's a mega mega mega star yeah is he started doing social media and it's as fucking strange as can be it's so strange yeah he doesn't quite know how to do it. I think someone's telling him, like, hey, just be personable, be fun.

He just seems so weird, and Tom is, like, constantly on it. Oh, yeah. We make fun of him relentlessly when we're at his house. It is nonstop. Because he'll be like, hey, everybody, it's me, Garth. We're at Studio G, and he has a thing called Studio G. For Garth. For Garth.

Garth. Garth. We're at Studio G, and he has a thing called Studio G. For Garth. For Garth. Garth. Garth. Look, it's Studio G. Inside, Studio G. Hey, y'all. I'm selling cassette tapes. Cassette tapes. Wow.

Look at his audience, though. He's doing some fucking giant-ass places. Holy shit. He really is. And so he does these posts where he's like, it's Trisha's birthday. That's his wife. Everybody send her pictures of your favorite cupcakes. Cupcakes.

Hashtag fun. Hashtag Mr. Yearwood. Hashtag you're it. Yeah, I saw that. Him doing the hashtag was rough. Like, what the fuck, Garth? Yeah. Your mom's house is a fun show i when i whenever i want just silly i tune into you guys thank you because you rarely deviate from silly

you guys are just just goofing off on shit all the time it's always completely preposterous and this new guy that you guys have been following the try it out guy what the fuck? Can we play him? Yes, we can play him. Try it out. Man, I'm so glad you said that. This guy's real? This is a real guy?

A thousand percent real. Oh my God. A thousand percent. And by the way, we loved you on Your Mom's House. You fit right in. Thank you. And I hope you come back. I would love to.

I'll do it anytime. Please. Well, we're all in the neighborhood. Yeah, I know, right? We're all close by. Yeah, it's only about farts and dicks and guys who don't know how to ask for a lady's affection properly. Well, you also find people online that are just the most preposterous people. So this is the guy.

Give me some volume on this guy. This guy. I think this is the right clip. Yeah. I hope it's not edited. He's looking for love. There's also on, if you type in, try it out. I'm looking for hardcore guys to come to my shows.

I know. I know. I know. I see. So play this guy. If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at $23.95, if you want to move in, you can move in. But you got to fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man.

Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or you're a thug, you want to come, move in. A friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you get a lease and a key. Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. I'm home, man. You see me, you want to come over today

and try it out? Try it out, man. If you're in my building, try it out. You want to fuck a piss and try it out? Try it out, man. If you're my building, try it out. If you want to fucking piss on me, try it out. Seriously, probably the only way to fuck, man. I'm looking for hardcore guys that mean it, want to do it, and I want to deliver it. I'm a hot white trash. Come dump, let's fuck. I'm a hot white trash.

Come dump, let's fuck. Oh, my God. You got to see them folks just listening. You got to see this guy The fucking sincerity in his eyes When he's saying these things He needs to get laid Watching your face

Watch the tried out guy Was probably my favorite thing in life What did I do? It was like a look of like Like it made you sad Did it? Did it make you Do you feel like it made you sad?

Yeah How'd you feel inside feel like it made you sad yeah how'd you feel i didn't feel sad it's weird that i look sad maybe i'm maybe i'm hiding that i'm sad to myself maybe yeah i'm hiding it from myself but this guy really needs it and he really puts it out there try it out you want to piss on Try it out. I'm a white trash cum dump. Like, whoa, buddy. Yeah, anybody. Men from jail. Black guys.

There's animation. There's an animated version of it. Yeah, so it started a flurry of animated try it out guys. And then people started to submit their own takesies. There's Tommy doing try it out. Try it out. That's so stupid. That's so stupid. That's so stupid.

Give me some volume. I don't care. I need to be fucked a lot. Free food. Free rent. That's a deal, man. You're a thug. You want to come move in?

A friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. Home me now. You see me? You want to come over today and try it out?

Rewind it just a little bit, Jamie. He goes, piss on me. Piss on me. Beat me. Home me now. What's that? What's that? Home me now.

What do you think he's saying? It's a good question. One more time. Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. Home me now. You see me? Come on, what that is? out what do you think he's saying good question one more time at least in the key fuck me piss on you beat me a whole man out you see me like come on what that is what is he saying we have to go through that like this is a pruder film well what do you what do you hear a man out it doesn't seem like a word to me. Ho-man-ow. Ho-man-ow?

Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. Ho-man-ow. Right? Ho-man-ow. What does that mean? Ho-a-man-out is one potential... Oh, maybe. Let me hear that again.

Maybe that's it. It's in a key. Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. Home in now. Could be anything. Home in now. Maybe it's another language.

Home in now. If we were like working for the government and we're trying to decipher like a tape, like we have to find out where the kidnappers are being held. Home in now. We have to like strip the audio. I hear a train in the distance. Right. We'd be audio experts in a room somewhere.

We've got it. We've got it. Whole man out. Whole man out. Whole man out. It's either. Whole man out. Whole man out.

He's a prostitute. It could be, or it could be, I'm home. I'm home here now. Because he gives out his address. He goes, I'm at 2395. And we cut it out. We cut it out. Fuck me.

Piss on me. Beat me. Hold me in now. It could be anything. Hold me in now. Hold me in now. Anyway, huge debate in the Mom's House community. There's no final answer on that.

You'd have to talk to him. Have you reached out to him? We've tried, yeah. Where is he? There's a few, your mom's house stars, I believe in, um,

Oh my gosh. Maybe on the East coast somewhere. I forget. Sorry. I don't sleep very much. Yeah. Um, we've reached out to him.

Baby brain. Yeah. I'm three months deep in the game, bro. I'm going crazy. Him and King ass ripper won't respond. And we've reached out with offers of money. Really?

Not that he won't do it. And it's so weird. It's always the ones we want the most that never quite. King Ass Ripper would be just farting in your room, though. Farting. Oh, yeah. Would you want that? I'd like to talk to him.

I'd like to know. He would just start farting in the room. That's what he does, right? He just farts all the time. Yeah. But I'm curious, what's the drive? He's clearly not driven by sex because that's really repellent to women or yeah but maybe maybe like for him it's a turn on to fart yeah like even though it's like probably disgusting to women maybe for him it's a turn on

to be disgusting ah the repulsion thing so she's like oh my god you're so nasty and then she's yeah there's like some boys who were spanked for shitting their pants and stuff when they were young they developed this weird thing about shit and they like being naughty and they even connect like sexually being naughty with shit and farts and things like that yeah right the fetish that's they's they say that's how the fetish starts right Chris Ryan was trying to explain it to me one day Dr. Chris Ryan from sex at dawn the book and he was saying that there's an imprinting stage in young men's lives Where like they like even a young man? That's not gay like say during this imprinting stage when they're very young, if they get their dick sucked by a guy and they orgasm, they could potentially get turned on by guys sucking their dick even if they're not gay.

Because it's imprinted on them at a very early age. Like by them getting molested at an early age, it fucks with their sexual, like what in their mind is considered sexual pleasure. Yeah. I can see that the wires get crossed early and maybe you're attracted and repulsed at the same time to a man. And then you're like, I don't know if I'm gay or I kind of want to do this, but I don't want to do this. You were molested, but yet you're also turned on. You were molested, but yet you're also turned on. Yeah.

Shame, a lot of shame, I'm sure, attached to that, too. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And a lot of anger. You know, what's really strange is when you go back through history, how often men were having sex with young boys. I know. The Greeks loved to do that. Romans. Yes.

Greeks. Oh, the Greeks loved to do that. Romans. Yes. Greeks. Many, many different ancient civilizations thought it was normal for men to have young boys as, you know, as sex partners. Yeah. Crazy.

Fucking strange. Yeah. And then the Christians, right? And the Christians come along and they're like, wait a minute. We'll show you how to do this. We've got to do this only with priests. Then you've got to move them around. Only the elite gets to rape children.

Yeah, it's interesting. It is crazy. To this day, my most shocked that I ever am when people get upset at me is when I shit on Catholicism. Is when I shit on child molesting. Are we pretending that this shit isn't happening constantly? Right. I mean, if they were anything else, like say it was the NBA. If the NBA was traveling around just fucking kids.

They're playing basketball. Right. Yeah, but they're fucking kids. That's interesting. Like who would say, yeah, but man, they're playing good basketball. Right. They're fucking dunking. Right. They lay up.

Good show. Three pointers from the outside. They are playing some serious basketball. They're fucking dunking. They lay up three pointers from the outside. They are playing some serious basketball. And sometimes they fuck some kids. All I typed in was Catholic priest. There's three different stories in three different spots. Buffalo. A day ago.

How do you say that? Diocese. A new list of priests accused of sexual abuse. It's fucked up. Catholic priests react to clergy sex abuse meeting with bishop malone catholic priests removed from ministry in oklahoma this is just one day's worth and then there was that thing in philadelphia that was just last month where was it a thousand different kids had been molested by these priests right yeah thousand different children in Pennsylvania.

Like, what in the fuck, folks? But why are they protected from law? Like, I know, because in the church, you said they move them around, right? Yeah. The archdiocese or whoever goes, yeah, that guy's a pedophile. Let's just move him

to a different thing. They're protected because people believe in God. They're protected because people believe in Christianity. Yeah, and they don't, they don't want to attack priests because they feel like that's an attack on the church.

And they feel like there's going to be blowback politically. And they're worried about it because people have this need for church. And they're terrified if someone comes along and says, hey, we're going to do, like, the international community is going to do a full-scale investigation into the Catholic Church. And we're going to lock people up. That's the reason why the Vatican is its own country. Yeah. You know, the Vatican, you have to have a full-scale investigation into the Catholic Church, and we're going to lock people up. That's the reason why the Vatican is its own country. The Vatican, you have to have a fucking passport. It's an actual country. Right, it's a separate entity.

It's a little tiny-ass place filled with kid fuckers. If you looked at the per capita kid fuckers of people in the Vatican, you'd be like, oh my God, it's a nation of kid fuckers. It's so fucked up and they're untouchable and they're untouchable well for now you know

eventually people are going to realize how irrelevant a lot of these ancient fucking cults actually are they are cults whether you believe

in God or not those are cults they're ancient cults whether you believe in the scripture or not the Catholic church is clearly a cult and it's a cult that I was a part of.

I mean, I went to Catholic school. My family was Catholic. Yeah, me too. I've been around it my whole life. Nobody ever molested me in the church, but I got lucky. I know I got lucky. I know people that got molested. I have friends that told me stories about being chased by priests and I have friends

that told me stories about a guy that they knew that got molested like damn he got him he got him like they knew about this priest and he got one of their friends oh my god and this is just all across the country and the numbers that went to justice so small so small in comparison to the actual acts it's it's really crazy that people would get upset at you saying this like Like it's, it's crazy. Right. Like, let me defend my pedophile priests. Like, I love this guy. Like, why are we still invested in this? And you know what happened ever since I had kids too, I, I kind of see the world a lot differently. You know, when I, before I had children, I was like,

sure, you know, God could exist. I'm spiritual. And now I'm like, I just got to defend my children from the fucking evil and insanity of this world and its jungle law. And like, I don't know. I'm not spiritual really anymore. Well, people can go bad for sure. There's something about people that when it goes wrong, you know, for whatever reason,

people can go bad. They can go bad serial killer style. They can go bad rapist style. I mean, how many guys are out there dropping pills into girls' drinks? Still, still, still a hundred, a hundred percent. It's happening all across the country, all across the world, all the time. There's just fucking disgusting human beings. There's bad people out there and there's people that got fucked over and they want to pay people back. They're upset. They're upset that they got a shit deal

and they want other people to suffer. Yeah, it's traumatized people, right? Doing all this shit. Traumatized people. There's definitely some of that. Yeah, but that makes me also too, like, I always laugh at the anti-bullying stuff. i'm not pro-bullying

clearly but it's such a misguided effort to try to completely eradicate the world of bullet we're gonna stop like no you're not dude because you have to stop stupid if you're gonna stop the bullying because stupid people have kids they don't raise the kids well those kids are angry because they have stupid parents and they're being abused at home. And then they hit your kid. And so what you can do is teach your kid, you know, to not be a victim and to fucking kick a guy in the nuts. But now we don't teach that to children. Yeah.

To defend yourself. And then your kid would be the problem. Right. You'd have to show a reason to express violence. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah. There's a time for violence.

And that time is when you're defending yourself because someone is fucking with you and if you don't do something, they're going to do something to you. There's times when no one's there to save you. That's real. And if you don't teach your kids that they're going to be real confused if that moment does arise, they're going to look around for someone to save them and there's no one there. Exactly. And that's very unfortunate.

No one wants it. You know, no one wants that to be the case. Fuck no one there. Exactly. And that's very unfortunate and no one wants it. No one wants that to be the case. Fuck no. But it is the case. It's reality. If you just surround a bunch of bad people and you hope that nothing goes wrong, that's not an effective way to prepare yourself for what could happen. That's the thing about having kids, right?

You start thinking of the world as being like this danger-ridden place. It becomes a different world. It's a fucking cesspool. Yeah. And especially with the internet, now you can see exactly who's crazy. Before you were like,

I don't know, people are generally okay. And then you see the fucking try it out guy and you're like, oh my God. Kiss on me, beat on me, try it out. Bring your friends. They can my God. Piss on me, beat on me, try it out.

Bring your friends. They can live here too. You got a thug? He's like, you're asking for thugs to fuck him and piss on him. But you get a lease and a key. Yeah, but he also wants them to beat him. Beat me up, piss on me, beat me up.

That's the problem. How much of that do I have to do? Do I have to fuck you or can I just go over and kick your ass? You take anything at this point. Imagine. He would take it. There's a guy you can go over his house and just fuck him up. There is.

$23.95. Yeah, but once you punch him a couple times, he's going to go, fuck me in the ass. I'm like, no. No, I'm just going to beat you up. I'm just here for the beating, not the fucking. I'm just here to fuck you up. Have you ever, I mean, not at that level, but. I mean, not at that level, but Tommy and I were talking about like, because lately on your mom's house, we've been featuring desperate dudes who are like making videos like this to try to court a lady or a gentleman, but maybe kind of misguided.

Like not. Yeah. Like try it out. Come piss or whatever. Whatever. I'm fucking horny. Like we know you're horny, bro. You can't just come out and say, I'm really horny. Come on. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Try it out. Come piss. Whatever. Whatever. I'm fucking horny. Like, we know you're horny, bro. You can't just come out and say, I'm really horny.

Come on, fuck. Yeah. Maybe with other dudes, yeah. But a woman's not going to respond. Yeah, women. That's why Playgirl didn't really work. No, fuck. We don't want to look at dicks.

That Playgirl was for dudes, right? Yeah, fucking course. It was for gay guys. Of course. What were those dating services like in the 80s where you'd pass? I mean, it was like a joke on MADtv or SNL where you'd pass tapes and you'd make a video dating profile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did that ever work? Or was it only creepy guys, too? This I don't know. Yeah, people that needed dating services back in the 80s, those people were losers. You know? Yes. I mean, those people were losers. You know? Yes. I mean, most people just found somebody, okay? In a bar.

You just go somewhere like a normal fucking person. You meet people, you fucking weirdo. But nowadays, it's way more common because of like Tinder and normal folks do it. Chris Rock was talking about being on dating apps. Chris Rock's on dating apps. He does it? Well, I think he has a girlfriend now. But for a while, yeah, he was on dating apps. And Rock's on dating apps. He does it? Oh, my God. Well, I think he has a girlfriend now. But for a while, yeah, he was on dating apps.

And someone was like, why would you do that? You're Chris Rock. He goes, because I'm Chris Rock. Right. He was joking around about it. He's like, that's a great way to meet him. Now they know who I am. Bam.

That's right. And there's like celebrity ones, right? Like you just. Yes. Just exclusive to celebrities. Yeah. There's some celebrity one where you just date and gold diggers. Yeah.

Just girls want to get famous. Future reality stars, future housewives of Beverly Hills. Those fucking crazy bitches. So my mother, her second husband, they met on a dating ad in the back of like an Indian newspaper. My mother liked Indian guys. Indian like? Like from Punjab. My mother liked Indian guys. Indian like? Like from Punjab.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost answered you in Hungarian. Yes. And so she put an ad. She's into Indian guys? Loved Indian men. So her thing was she believed that Indian men were more educated overall.

She liked them. I liked them tall, dark, and handsome. She was a Hungarian lady. And she just thought that they had more more money and and more smarts so money my leg money and she wanted to be wifed up and taken care of so she put an ad in the back of the indian newspaper she said buck some european woman looking for was it wealthy you know indian guy for marriage dude we got a bag of letters like a bag from every indian dude in the la county and he sent a picture of himself in an armani suit this is like 1989 with his mercedes and the old school cell phones like

that big ass one nice and she was like that's the one They're married one month later. That's my boy. That's my boy. That's my boo right there. He's got that fucking cell phone. Yeah. Got that brick from the Wall Street movie. Yes, bro. That's good. I remember Michael Douglas walking around with that brick on the beach like, damn, he's bawling so hard.

He's talking to people. He didn't give a fuck about his cell phone bill. He's just talking to people on that beach. Yeah. Did you have one of those remember in your car the old school i had one that was in the car it was connected to the car it was like permanently in the car it was on the floor it was bolted in and then i would i could make a phone call from they didn't even had speakerphone i could talk while i was driving

speakerphone 1988 honda crx okay that's a little tiny thing there's michael douglas i didn't have 1988 Honda CRX Okay There's Michael Douglas I didn't have one of those That was too baller for me I think mine I could take out And put in a suitcase too if I remember correctly Yeah that's pretty dope Maybe not maybe another one Maybe I got another one afterwards

Dude my dad had a Jag In the 80's And he had like a tiny TV put in on the radio. They had tiny little square televisions, black and white, and I could watch cartoons on the way to school. And I was like, this is in the future. We're all going to have TVs in our cars. Dude, my kids zone the fuck out when they get in my car because my Lexus has these things in the back seat where there's like a little iPad on the back screen.

They can watch a screen. It's like a 10-inch screen on the back headrest. So they watch movies. For kids, like those rear entertainment systems, if you have a long trip, like say you've got to drive to San Francisco, that's three movies. Oh, yeah. That's all that is. That's great.

That's three movies. What do you guys want to watch now? Are you guys hungry? Who has to pee? We got to pee? We got to pee to San Francisco. That's three movies. Oh yeah. That's all that is. That's three movies. What do you guys want to watch now? Are you guys hungry? Who has to pee? We got to pee? Pull over. There's no fighting. They're just watching movies. Otherwise it would be, she's touching me with her feet. Stop it. Stop touching me. I can't wait for all that. Yeah, it's great. I can't wait. It's fascinating. They're, they're, you know, and then you see like other people's really shitty handiwork in terms of the way they're raising their kids. Like, oh my goodness. Tell me about it because I have a three-year-old and a three-month-old. So I'm just now in the kind of the preschool and I see other parents and I'm like.

This is what you got to be careful of. You got to be careful of the parents that like to go to parties and they leave their kid outside with other kids and they go inside and drink and they don't watch their kid at all. And it's usually boys. People have boys and the boys usually wind up hitting kids. And what's going on is that kid is not getting any fucking attention and not getting any parental guidance and they're just loose and wild. And I've had this incident happen more than once, but one of them egregiously, where this kid hit both of my kids and one of them more than once.

And the parents are still inside drinking. Hell no. Pulling hair. Hell no. And they're little. They're like six. And they're like, yo, man, you got to watch your kid. He's aggressive.

Oh, he's a good kid. He's always a good kid. You don't even know you're in here drunk. Your kid's out there jumping around in a fucking trampoline, beating kids in the head, stepping on their hair. Literally, the kid was like a little aggressive kid. Called another kid a loser and pushed him. Call him a loser. What kid calls someone a loser?

Someone who gets called a loser at home. Yes. Well, someone's calling someone a loser in front of that kid. Six-year-old calling people losers. And every now and then i see the parents i'm like jesus christ i just gotta get the fuck away from them i had to have a conversation with the dad and he's trying to tell me his kid's a good kid i'm like okay your kid's a good kid i tell him your kid pushed a kid and called him a loser that didn't happen oh it didn't

happen okay all right man i don't know what to do but other than what i want to do which is freak out yeah i want to freak out which is freak out. Yeah. I want to freak out and start yelling at you, you fucking asshole, you drunk piece of shit. Yeah. In here, you're not even paying attention to your kid. You got a bad kid. You got a kid that you haven't been paying attention to. These are older people, and they had a kid late in life.

Here they are, barely paying attention. One kid, not really into it. Let the kid just roam. Just let him roam. Yeah, that ain't cool. Especially, yeah. You got a lot of that. You got to reign that shit in.

You know what else you're going to get? You're going to get kids that have cell phones at like six years old. Yeah, I've heard this. And then these little fucking sluts send your boys titty pics. And then my boy is accountable if he sends it to another kid. Yep. It's child pornography. Those dirty little sluts. Now how am I

going to stop these hoes? I've got to stop the boys. Well, you're definitely going to stop the boys from sending pictures. Tell them about the law and definitely tell them no pictures of your dick. Don't do it. I don't even know who's doing it as an adult sending your dick to a fucking I don't know who's not. I know, but that's the thing.

There's only one way to find out. Because how long have you been with your lady now? Long enough to not send her any dick not. I know, but that's the thing. There's only one way to find out. Because how long have you been with your lady now? Quite a long enough to not send her any dick pictures. I've never. If I send her dicks, it's other people's. Like, what do you think of that? Do you get sent dick pics? No.

No. No, me neither. Except from Tom. Tom will send me one every now and then. Or Red Band or Segura. Yeah. Yeah. I think that that is one of the most misguided things ever.

Like the random dick pic that guys that don't even know a girl will send. Well, that's the thing too is like it goes back to what women don't want. Like I'm pretty sure we're not like sweet cock. Like get over here. But then also like if a girl just sends you a picture of her pussy, like whoa. How many people is she sending that picture to? Like, that picture. If you could, like, go to her phone and if there's, like, a record of how many times that picture's been sent.

A girl sends pussy pictures. She's sending them to everybody. She's just scattershot. Just shooting them out into the cosmos. Just bang, bang, bang. Someone's going to be into it. Shumchick, that's the thing. He does it because it's worked.

Sure. Somebody's going to be like, oh, yeah, that's the one. There's so many thirsty girl pages of girls sticking their butts out, girls in underwear. There's so many of those pages, like thirst traps. But there's not that many for guys. There's a few guy bodybuilder type thirst traps. I've got some.

Yeah? I'll show you after. Show me right now. Well, they're people. They're real people. Oh, real humans. Yeah. But are they thirst traps like dudes looking for dick or dudes looking for girls?

The ones I've seen, there's, there's a, yeah, okay. We'll do it off mic. There's a few choice ones. Good for you for being kind. Yeah. And not outing these losers. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my favorite, okay, my favorite trap, though, is the girl that puts it out there.

And then when the guys are like, nice tits. Have some respect. Right. And then they get mad. Like, don't just look at me for my tits you know and have some respect right and then they get mad like don't just look at me for my tits like well bro you know you kind of didn't is not the reaction you were kind of looking for is like yeah you put your boobs out there i mean i don't do that because i don't want people to write that stuff you know yeah it's kind of not on my agenda yeah well they want a very specific reaction what but you don't necessarily, you're not entitled

to a specific reaction. You're entitled to nothing. You get reactions. You're entitled to nothing. I like this distinction. You put photos of your tits, your ass on the internet. You're not entitled to anything. You're not entitled to respect.

You're not entitled to anything. No. And I want to give away your bit, but you discussed Megyn Kelly. You can give it away it's already out right okay i just didn't know some people haven't watched it yet which is a fan it's an amazing special but uh yeah but she's on a news channel yeah not dressed like a news person wearing a vagina curtain yes yeah you know i have a friend who i didn't know this until after the special came out she came up to me and said that she used to work with Megyn Kelly at Fox News she used to like be one of her assistants and she was like she would tell the the wardrobe people to make the dresses shorter

no she's like that's too long make that dress shorter wow well she knew that she but she was cute she knew what she was doing yeah I wish I could buzzer. Yeah. Salad and a buzzer. I wish I could. I wish I could. She was so hot back then. I mean, she's still a beautiful woman. But goddamn, during like 10, 15 years ago, she was a fucking smoke show. Mm-hmm. Woo! Look, man, she's a gorgeous woman, and I don't hate on women for being pretty.

And I don't hate on them for fucking using it either. Yeah. I don't hate on Arnold Schwarzenegger for being a bodybuilder. No, but it's, yeah, but you know, depending on how you present yourself, that's kind of what you're going to get. Yeah, like you're not entitled to any specific reaction. You're going to get reactions and people are entitled. Look, as long as they're not like threatening you or, you know, physically doing anything to you.

What they're doing is reacting to what you're putting out. They don't have any obligation to react a way that you would like. No, no, not at all. Look, tits and ass. I like to jizz in those ass tits and all your mouth.

I'm a person. Yeah. Okay. Not right now. Well, right now you're a picture on my phone that i'm jerking off to like what's wrong with you you don't you don't yeah i get you know i just i just i yeah i guess i never i never led with that good i just but not

because i'm a but i'm not listen i'm just as thirsty as is that bitch what in a sense like you know we're strippers too. Comedians are fucking strippers. Like, we want the attention, but I don't want it for this. I'd prefer to get it for my mind or whatever. You know, whatever it is I'd prefer to get it from. Well, it's a difference, right? It's the stripper thing comes from, for sure, a variety of different places.

There's definitely women that are strippers that are doing it just because they're pretty and it's a good way to make a lot of money. It's a great way to make a lot of money fast, from what I understand. Nothing wrong with it. Yeah. Nothing wrong with it. But there's also ones that are doing it because they have an exorbitant need for attention. Yeah.

An extraordinary need for sexual attention. And a lot of them have been molested. Yeah. And that's more the case with porn stars, apparently. There was some crazy study on porn stars where they were going over, you know, they did like a random survey and went to them and asked them how many of them have been molested. And it was like 9 out of 10. It was like some some crazy number it's like when you when you're watching people fuck on camera and you know a lot of people watch it i mean i would i would imagine the vast majority of males

specifically watch porn watch some kind of porn and you're you're essentially watching the product of either a completely sexually liberated woman who likes doing that, which is possible. Sure. Allegedly. Something like Dr. Drew doesn't believe it's possible at all. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

I've heard this argument, the empowerment. I read a book even from a woman who said, yes, it's from an empowerment angle. She'd gotten into an Ivy League school and wanted to pay for it. It definitely exists in the world. However, in my experience and estimation, I would say it's likely molested.

I mean, it's possible, right? It's possible. It's not probable. So if you're a woman out there that's a sexually liberated person who enjoys doing porn and you don't have any molestations in your past, you're getting upset right now. I can hear the tweets right now. We acknowledge that you exist. I'm not trying to diminish your perspective, but it's just, it's an odd thing that that leads to all this sex. And then it's also an odd thing when you look at the sheer volume of people fucking,

like for a living, it's a lot of porn a lot of porn and i have to say it can't be that lucrative anymore because of the internet well i used to have a joke about it where i was like i need to bring it back and figure out how to do it correctly because i kind of abandoned it but the premise was who's seen all the porn like why are they making new porn is there anybody who's like i've run out of porn like what are you guys doing you fucking you sucking yeah everybody's fucking and sucking like if you are you just looking to beat off or are you like wasting your whole life like like super specific scenes no i want doggy style and i want to be able to see her feet okay the back of her feet i want her toes in a certain position

like take a break take a week off bro but apparently there is a need for it because they're making it and people are consuming this really these niche lanes right well i think it has to do with the fact that people are always ramping up and like if you if you give person a car that has 150 horsepower they want a car that is 200 horsepower and then next year that car better be faster. And the year after that, it better break better. And the year after that, and they were constantly trying to get that new charge. Like the iPhones, too.

And so if it's just regular sex, okay, wow, I can't believe I'm watching this. Regular sex. Well, I'd like to see it in HD. Okay. Why don't you come in her face? Okay. Stick it in her ass and then come in her face. Whoa.

Now we're getting crazy. And this is where it all goes. Like ass to mouth and gagging oh i hate the gagging all that crazy shit comes from people like watching so much porn that just regular stuff's not doing it anymore they want to they want a girl to be smacked they want snot to come out of her mouth and tears to come out of her eyes they want all that stuff that's what they want and this. I don't fucking get it, but it's this psychological trait that people have, this ramping up. The bigger, better deal. Constantly wanting something more extreme. Look at violent movies today.

Joey and I were talking about The Exorcist the other day, which is an extremely violent, heard that discussion. Terrifying movie for the time, but today it would be so boring. Yeah, wasn't he talking about the girl, Linda Blair, who played, and he was like, that chick's fucked up now, dog. There's no way. He was thinking, crucifix, it's in your pussy and you're normal now. Yeah, that was great. God, he always has the best take on

shit, right? He's true, though. Yeah, you're right, actually. But it is true. I think Linda Blair was kind of fucked up from that admittedly of course i mean she was like 12 years old doing that movie ramming a cross in her pussy of course i mean don't me jesus fuck me jesus fuck me yes it traumatized me and it was blood i know sound i know and the puking of the green shit. And you forget how slow that movie is. Watch it now and the pacing of it.

You're like, holy, let's get to something. Because now it's, I don't even watch this shit now, scary movies. But it's way more, did you see the new Halloween? No, I didn't, but I heard it's good. Who saw it? Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe loved it. Yeah?

He said it was awesome. He said she's a badass. And Jamie Lee Curtis is preparing for when he returns. She lives in a compound. Fuck yeah. She's got fucking guns and shit, and she's locked and loaded, ready to fuck up Michael Myers if he comes out of the grave again. I love it. Like that Terminator chick.

Remember when she was working out waiting for him? I forget the names of everybody. Yeah. Linda Hamilton. Linda Hamilton. I have a millennial babysitter who works for us and i was like hey did you did you know that jamie lee curtis was a hermaphrodite and she goes it's intersex now and i was like oh oh yeah but uh but is that true

about jamie lee curtis my gynecologist says it is true A gynecologist might be a piece of shit. Allegedly. Imagine if she actually knew. It's like, yeah, tell everybody. Go tell everybody. I saw it. It's a guy. And he says, yeah, that she in fact was.

And they cut off the peener. But she was so hot when she was young. She was hot. Gorgeous. Hot woman. Statuesque. Gorgeous woman. Big old titties.

Big old meat hangers. Big old real titties. The problem with the real titties is when you have a couple of kids and you breastfeed, then they turn into sloppy hangers, which is what I got. I got to do something about it later on. What are you going to do? Are you going to fill them up? I'm not going to fill them up. I'm going to get them lifted and just put in the same place they were and maybe reduced even.

Reduced. Yeah. I don't like big old titties. It's no fun when you really have them. I had an ex who had big old titties. She was born with them and they were so bad. But when I met her, she had already had a breast reduction. She still had pretty big old titties.

But she just was, you know, she had like double Fs just naturally. Those are big yeah but they were also like it was so annoying because it's all guys would see these big giant tits coming their way yeah poor girl yeah she said she had back problems too oh yeah i do a lot of pilates to strengthen the back to keep my tits up. Keep them tit hangers strong. Yeah, you got to keep them up. Got to keep the frame that holds the tits. That's right. Keep all that frame locked up and in place.

There's nothing like that for dudes, right? When a kid's too big. No dudes are out there getting dick reductions. That's true. You know what dudes do get, though? What's that? Here's the thing, man. I've been fucking, I got a pro, I turned on TV once just a couple months ago and just stumbled

upon this show called Botched. Yes, I like this. This is on the E! Channel. Yes. Yeah, this is fantastic. Is it on the E! Channel? I'm pretty sure, yeah. Bravo, maybe?

Maybe, yeah, one of these, you know. What is it on? Seems more Bravo because it's super gay. I know, I love it, though. There's a lot of, there's this one guy who was on, who was helping the guy that got like surgery. And the guy who was helping the guy

who got surgery, one guy was getting surgery because he got his pec replaced. He had like a pec problem. That seems crazy to me. Well, he was actually, he had like some sort of an accident where he lost his pec. Of course. And so they gave him a pec implant. Now I'm the asshole. Which seemed pretty normal.

He looked better. He was pretty happy. But the guy who he was working with, I don't know what relationship they had in the scene, whether this guy was the doctor or what it was. This guy was like a plastic man. His forehead was locked down. It wasn't going nowhere. It was Botoxed to the oblivion.

He had cheek shots and his facial fillers. His eyebrows had been done. He had fake tan. He had, yeah, that's him. There you go. That's the guy. Definitely heterosexual. Well, whatever he is, he has all these implants.

He has implants in his chest and implants in his biceps. And he was doing all that, like, to look good. But he was joking around about how even though he has all these implants, he's still not strong. So he couldn't do a chin-up. I'm like, this is so crazy. Like, this person is, this is, but he was the one that was helping the other guy through plastic surgery. He was helping the other guy? The surgery. He was helping the other guy? The other guy who had a problem with his pec implant.

The other guy came out normal. He just had a pec problem and then filled it in and then it looked like, oh yeah, look at the guy. He's got two pecs now. Oh boy. That's so sad. That show is insane. You see these people that get this sort of, what's that word for it? Body dysmorphia.

Yes, body dysmorphia. Bodybuilders get it. Anorexics get it. Girls who have double F tits and they want them bigger and bigger and bigger. With the face in LA. I've done Botox twice in my life. I'm always reluctant to go back just because like, who am I fooling? I'm 42 years old. It's okay. I'm not. What is it doing to you? What is it? So they paralyze. They put botulism in your face, which is why I'm also reluctant because you know that shit's not been studied, really. I mean, come on. How do we know what's going to happen?

So I got a wrinkle here. So they'll put it here and they freeze the muscle. It paralyzes it. So you can't make, you can't scowl. Yeah, I got a scowl line. See that scowl line? That have a scowl line that's a that's my what the fuck is going online i got the same one god damn it uh so it paralyzes it so you can't do the the gesture that creates the wrinkle so it's more of a preemptive measure so you should start doing early is what they say right but what about being a comic and making facial expressions

that's the problem so when you're on stage you end up getting migraines because you can't because is what they say. Right, but what about being a comic and making facial expressions? That's the problem. So when you're on stage, you end up getting migraines because you can't. Because you can't move your eyebrows. Yeah. You're like, I'm surprised, I swear. I swear I'm stunned.

Look, I'm going to make my eyes wider. You want to see a show. There's a show on Netflix where people go to Thailand for cheap plastic surgery. Oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Have you been to Thailand?

Never. Have you? It's awesome. Yeah. It just went this summer. Took the whole family. Where did you go? Chiang Mai.

Where's that? It is Northern Thailand. It's really close to where those kids got trapped in the cave. Yeah. We got there right after they got rescued. So it was happy times. Oh, that's good. It's dope, though.

The people are so friendly and the food was amazing. That's what I hear. We took cooking classes. We hung out with elephants at an elephant sanctuary. That was pretty badass. I saw that on your Instagram. Yeah, elephants are sweet. They are.

They're so kind. You get super nervous around them when you're first around them because they're so goddamn big. But then afterwards you realize they're just gentle giants. They're so sweet. And these animals at this one place that we went to, it's a rehabilitation place. So they would take animals that had been to the circus and they'd been harmed or mistreated. And they'd bring them back and they even released them into the wild. Wow, that's cool.

Yeah, because they wandered around with them in the woods. We took them for this long hike where you ride them all through the woods. It was a couple miles. They just stop and eat things. You don't have to worry about feeding them. They're fucking pretty confident that they know what to eat. They just grab leaves and start shoving them in their mouth. They're drunk.

Then they shit and piss, and you can't believe the volume. You hear the logs hit the ground. You're like, what is happening? And then you look down, they're shitting, and you're like, oh, my God. It's just bushels of shit. Boom, boom, boom. Oh, they're ginormous. Boom. Boom.

Clumps. Heavy, just giant clumps of broken down vegetable matter. Right. They're herbivores, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. That's all they eat. Yep. They're herbivores. Yeah. That's all they eat. They're so sweet though.

They like come up to you, rub their head and they like, you actually kind of bond with them because you feed them sugar cane. Like when you get to know them, you wash them. The first thing they have you do is you wash them and you feed them. So you were, I think we fed them first and washed them. And we have these like just big piles of sugar cane. And you hand them these pieces of sugar cane. They just chew it and crunch it and swallow it.

And they take it from you, like, real gentle. It's a fucking 2,000-plus pound animal, whatever the hell it is. It's probably bigger than that. And they're so kind. Just, like, real easy. They walk around you. They don't try to knock you over. They're just real relaxed. They help you. They don't try to knock you over. They're just real relaxed.

They help you get up if you want to ride them. They lift their arm up so you can step on their arm, and then you climb onto their back. Are you going to get a pet elephant? No. But they're interesting animals. They really are. They're really sweet. And this area that we're at, they actually have elephants that live in Thailand.

They actually live in the wild. There's not that many of them, but they've introduced, I think they said seven new ones to the wild from this sanctuary. So it's pretty badass. But it was interesting to get to see them where they're free roaming. They roam all around that area. They're not in pens. They're not captive. They're basically just freely roaming.

And then they feed them and take care of them. And they know the food's going to be there. And then they just eventually get them to the point where they can be free again. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, it's pretty badass. But the people are so friendly. So nice. I see this on that show.

Because they're always smiling and they bow to you. And they're super happy. They're really friendly. You run into that all throughout the country. People are super friendly like that. Yeah. Don't elephants gestate for like years? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a long time. Two years or something? Three years? Something long like that, yeah. God, we sucky to be pregnant for that long. I know, right? Oh, my God. I killed myself.

How about getting fucked by another elephant? Dude, could you? I've never seen it. Have I seen an elephant dick? I don't think so. Does it come out of a sheath i'm sure right yeah like that head and the alien with whitley striver not whitley striver uh sigourney weaver whitley striper is uh-uh whitley striper is the guy who was behind he wrote he's an author. The whole story is really suspect. He wrote that movie, what was the movie he wrote? He wrote one of those alien movies, one of the alien abduction movies, and he wrote it

that it was based on his own life, that it actually happened. The problem was, he was already this fiction novelist who's writing these wild stories, and he decided to say, this this one's real and it got all sorts of traction but you know it's all like being abducted in the middle of the night and taken out of his bed by aliens and brought to ships

and scientific experiments like that kind of stuff cool yeah you believe in it you think there's aliens doing that kind of stuff I don't think they care about your butt. No. The weirdest thing is that they have to go up your butt always. It's always a homoerotic sort of fantasy, an anal fantasy with the alien.

Why does it always turn sexual? I think because if you're paralyzed, the number one fear is that someone's going to put something up your butt while you're out. All the time. Yeah. I don't do butt stuff for that reason. I'm like, I don't need to know. Come on. years that someone's going to put something up your butt while you're out all the time i i yeah i don't i don't do butt stuff for that reason i'm like i don't need to know the other thing is um i think uh come on with that the other thing is i think they worry people worry about being impregnated or having their baby taken from them oh yeah by the aliens that's a common theme too i'd be afraid of that.

Have you been to Roswell, New Mexico? No, I have not. I went there for some TV show I worked on like a decade ago. And they claim that's where the aliens live. Is that Area 51? That's where the crash happened in 1947. There's like a museum you can go to and see it. I don't, you know, whatever. I bought a T-shirt.

It was great. Yeah, the whole story is super suspect. The story of what happened. It's like, uh, there was some wreckage that they found and they flew the wreckage in two separate planes to write Patterson air force base. And Truman actually met them there. Uh, like whatever the fuck did crash, it was of enough importance that Truman flew out and they flew it in two separate planes in case one of the planes went down. This is the folklore. And then the next day they had this press conference, and they're like, oh, we made a mistake.

It was just a balloon. And then, you know, my joke that I used to do was like, well, what about the aliens? Those are Mexicans. They got drunk. They mistook the balloon for a pinata yeah everyone's fine yeah that's hilarious but the the whole story behind it the problem was it got put in the roswell daily record that the military has recovered a crashed flying disc and then everybody went fucking bananas so no no one really knows what actually happened obviously no did you ever hear why they picked right pat because it's in the middle of ohio Everybody went fucking bananas. So no one really knows what actually happened, obviously.

No. Did you ever hear why they picked Wright-Patt? Because it's in the middle of Ohio. I don't know. And Roswell is pretty far. I think it's just a big Air Force base. Isn't that Wright-Patterson Air Force Base where Hangar 18 was? Yeah, I guess. Is that where that was?

It's outside of Dayton. But Hangar 18 was another famous thing in UFO folklore. UFO folklore, there was like this supposed Hangar 18. Find out where that is. Hangar 18 was supposed to be this place where they stored all of the crashed wreckage

from various UFOs over the last few decades because apparently there's been numerous crashed UFOs from alien planets. Is that it right, Pat? There's a website about it, yeah. As long as there's a website about it.

Is it a Squarespace website? No, it's Weebly. Promo code, Jerry. No, it's, what was the ones? GeoCities, remember those? Old school. Yeah, with the animated little GIFs. No, it's a What was the ones? Geocities, remember those? Oh yeah Yeah, with the animated little gifs

Old school Now, what about the moon landing? Did you see the movie? Ryan Gosling? No, I did not I heard it was good though, I heard it was really good Did you love it? Loved it Wasn't there a controversy like they didn't put the American flag down? It was something You mean the MTV flag?

I It was so cool, right yeah i miss mtv i do too i miss music videos it was there was something he brought his daughter's necklace up he has his young daughter i don't want to give it all away but the lorish he put his daughter's necklace there and i don't know was it based on real life that yes loosely that's what they're saying it's it's probable that that happened. The flag thing, I don't even remember. Yeah, there was some sort of controversy that they didn't plant the U.S. flag.

And people were upset. And they were saying that in this climate, they just thought it wouldn't be a good idea to express nationalism or something. I remember reading some cockamamie reason why they didn't have the flag. Interesting. They actually had the flag, you fuck. If you believe in the moon landing, you believe it happened, and you want to show me a movie of it, you got to show the flag. They put it in the ground. It's a big part of the program.

Here's our flag. It's in the fucking dirt on the moon. Yep. That's it. That's right. It's there. And now he also peed brown on the way up on the four-day journey. And I heard you just peed brown.

I peed a little brown. It was more like amber colored. That's more like iced tea colored. So scary. Well, I was a little worried about there's something called rhabdomyosis that when you do CrossFit or actually a couple of fighters have died from it. I actually just found out about that this weekend. That fighters who had been overtrained going into fights

and then exerted themselves to extreme during the fight and then died afterwards. A couple of them turned out to have had rhabdomyelosis, which is your muscle tissue breaks down, your liver crashes, or your kidneys crash, rather. I didn't have that. I was just dehydrated. Oh, okay, good, because that was pretty gnarly uh i was sweating at a rate that i couldn't possibly keep

up with just trying to rehydrate normally you guys and the sober fucking october man it went crazy right no i know what was it like like being the wife of a person who was involved in this i hate it so much i hate that you guys do this shit you know what we're doing next year uh yeah and i heard you guys talking about it because i caught that part of the show surfing yep we're fucking rad we're gonna stay on a board longer like who stays on the board for the most amount of time in the month i love this challenge because i love surfing i learned to do it in my 20s. I'm terrible at it. But that's like, it's so incredibly

difficult. Have you surfed? No, not at all and I'm not going to. I'm not even going to touch it until October and this is the rule. None of us can practice. We can't practice. Okay. Yeah. We got to wait till October and then do it. I will say the ocean's very cold in October. Perfect. That's the one.

Weed out those pussies. Are you going to get a special suit? I'm sure they're. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get a special suit. Yeah. I'm going to get one with fucking. It's going to have Kevlar in it so the sharks can't eat me.

Oh, that's another thing, dude. Oh, damn. I'm not getting aided. I'm not getting aided by no big fish. So this is a tentative. I love it. This is a tentative this is a tentative challenge but i have to say this last one your husband tommy buns is the one that came up with the fitness challenge yeah and it was only

like the last couple days before october like we hadn't really decided on what we're going to do in fact we were even thinking about repeating our 15 yoga class thing like we kind of settled into that i was like okay i can do 15 yoga classes and we kind of decided that that's what we're going to do. And then I know where your husband goes. Hey, I've been doing this fitness thing. I wear this app. Maybe we could just see who gets the most points for a month.

I'm like, okay. I didn't think anything of it. You weren't excited about that idea? I thought it would be fun, like whatever. It would be fun. Sure. But I didn't think it would be a psycho battle to the death. Well. That it became really quick. I'll tell you what was as a spouse.

The sobriety part's not too difficult for Tommy. Yeah. It's the time away from the family. It's like he would go and be like, bye. I'm going to go hike for six hours. Yeah. And we live near hills. And I'm like, there's fucking rattlesnakes and cougars.

And you better be back before sundown, dude. Yeah. You know? Very nice. Yeah. And then he near hills. And I'm like, there's fucking rattlesnakes and cougars. And you better be back before sundown, dude. Yeah. You know? Very nice. Yeah. And then he got sick. So he was doing it on antibiotics, which was crazy. I didn't want him to be doing that shit when he was sick.

He ran 13 miles on antibiotics. Crazy. That is bananas. I know. That is so hard to do. I know. But we were, like, talking about it at breakfast. And he was like, well, Joe's going to be first.

There's no question. So it was more about who's going to be first. There's no question. So it was more about who's going to be second and third. Ari was trying to take that first place spot. No way. He was doing all sorts of sneaky tricks. He was trying to bank up his points and try to pretend that he wasn't a threat. He really was. Sneaky.

Oh, he's super sneaky. Yeah. He came close. He was the closest to me and he was he was the most sneaky he's definitely the most sneaky what do you mean like what's his how is he sneaky like he would say things to me like you should just work out normal and see if you beat us i mean if you just try to beat us it'd be too easy like hmm like yeah why don't i do that ari like such a jerk yeah i decided early on that i was gonna beat him but i decided that at first i was like this is so stupid who gives a shit about this

competition i'm ruining my life for this thing i could not live with myself if burt won that was a big part of the problem would that really have happened though could have happened out of all you guys you never know If we fucked off. Yeah. See, no one fucked off. Everybody went hard, even Bert. Yeah. Well, Bert's wife is probably used to him being gone.

All this time abandoning the family. She's like, whatever. He's just not here anymore. I did a lot of my working out at home, you know, because I have a gym in my house. Great. Yeah. So it wasn't't they knew where to find me so your wife and your kids were like they would come in and make fun of me well are you

still doing this like my eight-year-old especially she thinks it's hilarious yeah she's like you better win you better win oh she'd walk away like that was so funny she's a little comedian man i love it she's a funny little fucker i love love it. She really is. You got to raise them sassy, girls. Yeah. You can't raise them. The princess shit's horrible. You're a princess. Like, oh, no.

Don't raise girls to think they're princesses because they're always waiting to be rescued for shit, you know? Not only that, like, that means you're a part of a monarchy and you're oppressing all those peasants. Look at you. Right. Like, this whole, I talked to a friend once who was like, this is back in like the nineties.

And he was, he was very pro black, black guy. Who's very pro. And he said one of the most ridiculous things any person's ever said. He was talking about black people today. He goes, black people got to understand back in the day we were Kings.

And I go, you will, you couldn't be all Kings I go listen listen Do you understand how Kings work? There's one person and that person Dominates all these other people with power and the way they do it is through threat and military and I kill people Who oppress them like you don't want to be a king man their dicks you don't yeah It's one of the most terrible things to be is a king. You don't even get elected into office.

True. You're just a king. You have ultimate power. You abuse the shit out of it. True. You weren't all kings. You can't say we were kings. No.

God damn, that's a stupid thing to say. Well, yeah, because God ordains the king, right? If you watch those, Henry, I love those historical things. Versailles, I watched that on Netflix. Do you ever watch Vikings? I started to. Yeah, is it good? It's fucking good.

All right. Yeah, it's surprisingly good. Give it four episodes. Okay. Because right around episode four, it really kicks in. Okay. So one of our friends had told us, so I watched the first episode, and this show is kind of clunky.

Yeah. And then episode two comes around, but by the time episode four rolls around, you're like, oh, shit. I like all that stuff oh it's good yeah you could just get executed back then for not the king didn't like the way you looked at him fuck him up and that would get cat people scared and that's how you keep power i mean absolutely that's what putin's doing yeah that's what they do in north korea you know yeah or the king could just be like, you're going to be my new hoe. Do you know about that Khashoggi guy? No.

The journalist that got assassinated? No. Do you know about this? No. No, I've been in a bubble. A journalist got assassinated by the Saudis. He went to the embassy in Istanbul because his wife, he went to a Turkish embassy because his wife was Turkish and he was

trying to get married to her. And the Saudis had sent 15 hit men to meet him there. They strangled him and dismembered him with bone saws and carry him out in suitcases. And they brought in a guy who was a forensics expert. He was one of the 15 people people so they brought in someone who would know how to manipulate the data and the turkish apparently they said that they have all they have video and audio evidence that he was murdered there but they can't release it because then it'll show the people how they spy on them oh my god that's so crazy This is today in 2018 They killed a journalist They didn't like what he was saying

That's Saudi though I did a military gig in Saudi Arabia Right before I 2007 And I actually had two passports When I went to go do this military tour And I didn't know why And we get to Riyadh

And they go give them this passport, the second one that we gave you, which was completely blank and just had my personal information. I know. And we go in there and they go, oh, it's Thursday. It's chop, chop Thursday. It's a public execution day. Do you guys want to go see it? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. Like on the one hand, kind of curious on the one hand. No, we couldn't do it because somebody, On the one hand, kind of curious. On the one hand, no. We couldn't do it because somebody, some guy had put a bomb up his butt and blown up a prince or something.

So we couldn't go. But yeah, public executions. They want you to see, you know, to keep people in line. And it's terrifying. I don't know. Women can drive now, I hear. It's kind of neat. But if they fuck a guy, they'll get stoned to death in front

of everybody sure yeah sure they behead people they do all kinds of crazy shit to journalists yeah you know they lock bloggers up for life people have disrespected the crown it's crazy shit yeah yeah women can't even you can't go to the mall unless a male family member accompanies you. 2018. Yeah. Yikes. Fuck. And try getting out of there. You know? Right.

We were talking about this, how crazy it is that it's so easy to come here from some countries, like Cuba. All you have to do is get on a raft. You make it to Miami, they're like, you're in, bro. It's all you have to do to survive the ride. They don't send you back to Cuba, ever. That's true, huh? We don't.

What about that alien Gonzalez? Didn't he get sent back eventually? That was his parents wanted him back, right? Remember? They had a gun. They fucking had machine guns. The kid was in the closet. Like, what the fuck?

Why did they send him home? There were some circumstances to that. Yeah, dad was, was it dad in the old country and mom in this country? And there was a custody. Someone wanted him back. Yeah. Some nonsense. Something like that. But for the most part, they don't deport you. When you make it from

Miami, or to Miami rather, from Cuba, you're good, bro. Thank God. Crazy though, right? It is crazy. All you have to do is get on a raft. And survive. 90 miles. That's it? That's it. How long would that that take could take a long ass time if you're doing a mile an hour take you 90 minutes

right that's not a mile an hour take you 90 hours rather oh 90 yeah 90 hours okay yeah okay that's a mile an hour yeah which is like how fast do you pedal? If you're paddling. How fast do you paddle? As fast as I can. Can you paddle a mile an hour? I have no idea. That's a good question, right? Yeah.

Depends on whether or not you're going with the tide, against the tide. Dude, and then the sun goes down, it's cold as shit. I mean. Sharks. You've seen Moana. Do-do. Do-do. Sharks. Sure.

Fresh water. What are you drinking on your journey shit you're gonna you're gonna try to keep it together drink as much as you can before and then you gotta drink your piss yeah yeah yeah you can once it separates right you let it sit drink it just drink it right fresh out yeah you what you do is you lie on your back and you bring your ass to yourself. You grab your hands behind your ass. Bring it to yourself. Stop it. Piss right in your mouth. Don't want to lose any of it.

It's precious moisture. In and out. In and out. You ever watch that TV show? Is it Navy Seals Who Can Survive? You know, one guy goes to the beach. One guy has to go to the mountains or some shit. I love that stuff.

I did see that. I've seen a lot of those shows. I like survivor that was one of them yeah i'd like to learn how to survive i wouldn't be good at it would you do naked and afraid no no that's the stupidest one that's the stupidest fucking show why would you want to be naked you don't need to be no yeah have ants in your butthole well there's something about that that's like, okay, this is, they've taken it as far as you can take it. Yeah. Like, okay, we're going to have people survive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Survivor Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, but have people that do that don't know what they're doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good idea. And fuck it, man. Let's make them naked.

Yeah. Like, okay. Jesus, you don't care about people at all. At all. Why would you even do that show? Great things. Now you get people and one of them is hot and the other one's fat and disgusting. Yeah.

And then you have them naked together. Well, I like to watch, I used to like Survivor when they put the fat people on the island and then they get real skinny by the end of the show. That was kind of cool. Right? Weight loss show. That is legit. You get on a fucking island with nothing to eat, you will lose weight.

Yeah. Yeah. If you're fat, you actually have an advantage yeah wait to lose that's right you're really skinny and you can't i remember one time someone killed something like a rabbit or something everybody freaked out people were so mad meanwhile they could be serving them chicken out of a bucket no one would say a word right that's so stupid oh my god he killed that rabbit with a knife well what are you supposed to eat? Yeah.

You don't want him to do that? What do you want, that rabbit to live forever and become an angel? What the fuck is wrong with you? Rabbits live two years. My kids had a pet rabbit. You know what's the worst? Gerbils. Hamsters. Hamsters.

They live for two years. We had one that lived for three. It was a miracle. Amazing. The last 12 months were incredible. It was an extra year. They didn't give a fuck about that thing. It's like they

say they want a hamster. Like, oh, we want a hamster. We want a hamster. Okay, let's get a hamster. We're going to play with it all the time. We promise. Okay. Okay. They get it. They pick it up a couple times. I'm like, fuck this little rat. They have cats and dogs. Which are real pets.

Real pets. Everything else is bullshit pet. Yeah, it's a bullshit pet. You can't really play with it. You can't snuggle with a hamster. You can't teach it to do anything. Yeah. The worst, I think, is birds.

Why would you have a fucking bird? Little cunty ass dinosaur. They don't give a fuck about you. They shit all over your house if you let them out One thing we did do is we raised a hummingbird We brought it back to health And then released it We found a hummingbird

It was a baby hummingbird that had fallen out of the nest And it was really tiny And so we took it in And we didn't know how long it was going to live I'm like man this thing might die on us Like what do we do? And then we had to Google what they eat, and basically they eat sugar water.

Yeah. Yeah, so we basically put sugar and mixed it in with water and put it in his or her little box. Don't you gender that, Hummingbird. Yeah, I'm going to call it a zur, and zur box, and they box, and we fed them, and they, they, them pronouns. Healthy diet, sugar water.

Could you imagine? And we kept it for a month and then eventually it got to a point where it was kind of hopping around inside the box and it seemed to be healthy and would let us hold it and everything. It was really crazy, like totally attached to us. And then we let it go and flew away. Like it was fucked up in the beginning. It couldn't move his wings right. really crazy. Totally attached to us. And then we let it go. It flew away. It was fucked up in the beginning. It couldn't move its wings right. We didn't know what to do. Whether it was wounded to the point

we're going to have to take it and get it fixed somewhere. We didn't know. Damn. But it lived. Sorry, how long did you have it? About a month. They're so crazy. I have a feeder outside the kitchen window and I love to watch them. I get so excited when they come.

It's like- Strange bird. Makes my day. They go so fast. How do they go so fast? Those little tiny wings too. Their wings are so small. That's what's odd.

Like every bird has like a wingspan, but their wingspan is like half the size of a normal bird's wingspan. And they just go a million miles an hour. And they go left and right and up and down, and they just... Their ability to change direction is so strange, and hover, like they just hover perfectly in the air, and then dart off and then come back and hover. Yeah. It's a very unusual design.

Yeah, right? They're so tiny, but I guess that's why they have to move so fast, because the wings are so tiny. You ever seen one get fucked up by a praying mantis? No. That's the darkest shit. Praying mantis will hide underneath a bird feeder and just sit there. Just sit

there like this and wait. And you're like, how? That praying mantis can't fuck up that bird. It's smaller than the bird. Oh, yes they can. You never seen it? No, I'd love to see it. We'll put it up. Yeah, praying mantises regularly kill hummingbirds.

I did not know. They climb up to the nest. They climb up to the feeder. Sinister. And they just sit and wait. Because they look like sticks. And they blend in with the color of the tree they're on. Because they camouflage their color.

Here, watch this. Look at this motherfucker. Look at him. Look at him just hanging out there, totally frozen. And these birds don't have any idea what's going on. It seems like he's kind of, oh, that's a wrap, son. No. Isn't that crazy?

No, and the hummingbird is so much faster than him. It doesn't matter. It only has to be fast for a second. Fuck. It only has to clamp down those jaws. Oh, they're so pretty. Oh, the person's saving it. That's cool.

The person saved it. Well, that person's an asshole. You're right, because that's the order of things. Oh, giggle. But he kind of gave away his punch. He's really telegraphing his moves. I know. You're supposed to get out of there.

You see this shit happening? Just get out of there, you stupid ass bird. We have an owl in our backyard. And one of the coolest things is when the sun goes down, we sit in the backyard and we watch that fucker come out of the big tree that it lives in, dude. You ever seen an owl come out to hunt? It's huge, yeah. Just whoosh, whoosh. And it just swoops through the backyard.

And you're like, that's going like, dude, he's out. He's going to catch some shit tonight. Some rabbits are going to die. Put your dogs away. They keep the rat population down, too. Yeah, we got lots of those because we have fruit trees. So the fucking rats. Look at this praying mantis jacking this hummingbird.

They regularly eat hummingbirds. But the thing is, if you look at the size of the hummingbird and the size of the praying mantis, you would go, there's no way. Where's it going to eat it? There's not even enough room in its body. That's a good point. And the beak, it's so hard. They don't give a fuck. Praying mantises are just, we are so lucky they're little.

If they were big, like German shepherds, we would be fucked. They would just eat us. We're lucky dogs are as dopey as they are you know when you're specially talking about how dumb they're afraid of your judgment yeah they could eat us your dog's big enough he's a golden retriever

he's not eating anybody but if his brain were more as a predator if he was a rat that big and he was a ferocious rat and I was in the subway and I saw him, I would be so scared. Dude, we got rats. Do you have rats in your...

Oh, we definitely get rats. Yeah. I hate them so much. I have a guy that comes, my rat guy, puts down all the fucking traps. We had one get into an AC unit in one of our the guest bedroom and it stunk like shit yeah we had one too it died in the wall ah and we started having all these flies ah that came in through the room we were trying to figure out how's this fly getting in here oh I realized there's something dead in the wall because it

was stinking yeah and we had to just wait for it to rot away oh yeah why I guess what's the alternative you You punch through the wall. Had to go through the wall. Fuck that. You don't want to do that. Yeah, it was the only alternative. Rat died in the wall, son. So nasty.

You ever caught one with a trap? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love it. Caught a lot of them. Yeah. What kind of trap do you use? The kind that hurt. Snappers?

Old school? Old school. Yeah, snappers are the best, actually. You know what I fucked up story? I was in Encino, and I was renting this house for a while, and I killed a rat. It was a big boy. Big. Big, fat boy.

And I was like, Jesus, look at that thing. And I was like, ah, I'm going to go to bed in the morning. I'll clean it up. I went to bed. I came back in the morning. He was eaten. The only thing that was left is his tail. They ate the entire rat.

Rats are full-on cannibals. I didn't know that. The other rats will eat the dead guy. 100%. Instantly. Savage, savage. They ate him down to the tail. Mother fuck.

There was nothing left. Down to the tail. Even rats won't eat a rat's tail. That shit's nasty. That's so gross. We should serve rat's tails on Fear Factor. Even rats won't eat it. They're like, nah, I'm good, bro.

I'm good. I'll stick with garbage and assholes. They're so nasty. They eat everything. The guts. They eat the head. They eat everything. They just chewed through the rat head.

There was like almost nothing left. Yeah, they were eating bones. There was almost nothing left. Rats are... It was so disturbing. Yeah, there's a rat eating another rat. Look at that. Cannibal rats filmed eating fellow rodents.

Yeah, they eat the shit out of each other. They have no problem with that. And once they're in your house, you're screwed. Once you see those droppings, now you're fucked. You got to find out how they're getting into the house. You got to cock it up or whatever with that shit. Oh, it worst man yeah well weasels always get in it's one of the reasons why it's good to have coyotes around it's one of the reasons why it's good to have owls all those things hawks all those things keep the rat population down so if people run around killing

hawks and owls and and you know there was also a problem with people that leave out poison. Because they leave out poison for the rats. And the rats eat the poison. And then the owls eat the rats. And they get poisoned. They die. Oh, dear. Yeah, it's an issue.

That's no good. We have coyotes, too. They come out in broad daylight. Yeah, you got to be careful of those little fuckers around your kids. Oh, yes. And around small little dogs, too. We have little shitty dogs that can eat, too. Yep. Kids, too. Oh, yes, and around small little dogs, too. We have little shitty dogs we can eat, too. Yep.

Kids, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they'll bite your fucking kids. Yeah, I mean, if no one's around, you know, if you leave a kid in the yard, three-year-old kid, I'm just going to, Mommy has to take a shit, be right back. I do that all the time. Come back out to a half-eaten kid.

I take my kid with me to take a shit. I put him on my lap when I shit. You have to. Of course. I'm not going to let my kid be alone. No way shit. I put him on my lap when I shit. You have to. Of course. I'm not going to let my kid be alone. No way. Three-year-olds get into everything. Especially with fucking animals.

Animals out there. Oof. That's dark. Mm-hmm. That's the weird thing. Like, those coyotes are really, they're predators that are wandering. You know, we had a big issue with them because we have chickens, and they started killing some of our chickens. But then we realized we're targeted.

Like our yard is targeted by these little tiny wolves. It's very strange. It's little wild creatures that are sneaky and smart. And they can jump over walls, too. Forget it, man. They jump over walls like nothing, like a six-foot fence. They bounce to the top of the fence, then bounce over it like it's not even there. Don't give a fuck.

They're elegant. I know. The way they move. It's really kind of beautiful to watch. They look like just dogs Like I'll see them in the neighborhood. Oh shit. That's a coyote do like at first You're like excited someone's dog and then you just see them kind of skulking. They just Do you I like looking at him, but then I know what they're capable of and you're like get the fuck out of here Yeah, they will eat your dog for sure. Definitely. They eat a lot of dogs. I had a friend, she had her dog eating right in front of her.

She had a little Maltese, lived out in Westlake Village in the broad daylight. She was just standing in the backyard with a little Maltese and a coyote just came and snatched it up right in front of her and just went away with it. And you're like, there goes my dog. Broad daylight. Wow. We got two little shits. I don't let them run around in the yard. Did you're like, there goes my dog. Broad daylight. Wow. We got two little shits. I don't let them run around in the yard. Did she freak out?

Yeah, of course. She was devastated. She was traumatized. Love that dog. Maltese is essentially a lab dog. You're not training that thing to do much else other than sleep with you and love you. So it's a member of the family.

Yeah. So sad. It's like a fucking coyote snatches it up. It's crazy. It's hard out there for a coyote, though. They got to eat. You catch that little fat dog slipping. Yeah.

This stupid cunty dog getting fed by these people. That's right. But they won't fuck with Marshall, right? Like, he's too big. He's too big. Yeah, he's too big. Maybe two of them could try to take him down. They might.

Yeah. I mean, if they felt like he wasn't going to do anything about it, they felt like he was submissive or they felt like they could just get a hold of him. Who knows? They've definitely killed dogs as big as him before. Mountain lions love them. They would love a dog that size. For sure.

It's a lot of food. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think coyotes sense that submissiveness? I don't know i think um you know i used to have a much bigger dog but he died he uh he was a mastiff he was 13 years old we just we just put him to sleep a few months ago sorry it was bad at the end we probably should have done it earlier because at the end he literally couldn't walk into the house to eat like he was in the yard and when i'd try to call him in for dinner he he couldn't walk like it was awful he would struggle

to stand up and he would take like a half a step and pause another half a step and pause and his legs were shaken i mean he was he was a beautiful dog, like so sweet. Like Mastiffs are so kind, like so calm. It was so hard watching him struggle, you know, because he was like breathing heavy and his mouth was open. He was like, ha, ha, ha. And he'd take a step and he'd be in agony. And he was just so old. For a Mastiff, 13 is so old.

Right, because the bigger dogs, they don't live as long. They live like eight, nine years old. For him to be 13, the vet was pretty shocked. They're like, wow, this dog is old for a mastiff. They're big. Bert's got one of those, right? Yeah, he's got one. Priscilla.

Yeah. They're fucking big. They guard vampires. Do they? Mm-hmm. They protect you from vampires? No. Or they guard for the vampires?

In the Anne Rice books, they're always guarding vampires. They guard the vampires while they sleep. Oh, that's right. Those books were fucking good. You know, Anne Rice went wacky and became a Christian at the end of it. I know. I've heard this. I saw her on a flight once, and then I Googled her, and she's writing Christian stuff.

And she also wrote a bunch of S&M books under a pseudonym. It's all about spanking. A lot of spanking. It's very odd. Yes, yes. I had to read all of them. Okay, let me ask you this. What is it about women and vampires?

Oh, sure sure what's that i'll tell you it's the same uh well it's it's control and power and i think similar to 50 shades of gray which i tried giving that a read too and i was like nah that's kind of stupid you're too smart for that i don't know i i i like dumb shit believe me You don't like shit that dumb, though. I tried. I really tried. That's some dumb shit. I try to see what the deal is. I always try to see why people are drawn to stuff.

I think it's a power thing. So the vampire comes and takes control of you, and you're totally submissive. And somewhere, I think, in the female whatever DNA in our makeup, to have someone totally care for you and give your power to them, I think is part of that. Freedom, it's also a metaphor for sexual liberation. So maybe in a time when women couldn't be sexually free, the vampire is a metaphor for loss of control and sexual desire and stuff. I don't know.

That's my theory. Same with the shades of gray. Mostly it was right like housewives kind of a repressed it's a repressed sexual thing yeah because it wasn't that risque he was like a billionaire guy who liked to he liked to spit in their mouth and shit and do that kind of stuff i don't remember that part i don't i just know she had a 500 orgasms the first time she ever had sex with him. That's how it goes. Yeah. I know that is right.

Spit on. Go ahead. Try it out. Spit on me. Piss on me. Be me. Cum on me. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. What was that word? The fake word that he said? I'm homey and yeah. Homey and yeah. Her pen name wrote a book in 1985 called Exit to Eden. That was one of the sadomasochist books that was turned into a movie. Do you remember this movie?

No. Starring Dan Aykroyd? No. Dan Aykroyd did it? Oh, I do with Rosie O'Donnell. That's right. But it was a comedy, right? Yeah, that's not... Was it supposed to be a comedy? It was based off the story, so I think Gary Marshall might have turned it into a comedy.

Oh, that's hilarious. That's hilarious. That is bizarre. Did you know that she played a slow person? Yes. Yes. Sorry. Have you discussed this already? No, I haven't. But Sean Penn has also played a slow

person. But no one has quite done it the way Ben Stiller did. Did you see that people were getting mad because some football player won a simple jack? Sean White, the snowboarder. Oh, that's right. But not just him. There's a couple other people that won a simple jack

for Halloween. And they were getting like, you can't go a simple jack anymore. You can't be a simple person. Huh. Like, dumb characters are now out the window. You can't be that anymore what happened

what's going on with us I don't know some weird new rules are like popping up out of nowhere like wait what but wasn't Simple Jack a parody of

the thing like it was it's a joke on a joke to play Simple Jack it's not that he's actually portraying a realistic portrayal of right

right Simple Jack was a character yeah yeah even in the movie Simple Jack was a character in a movie. It wasn't like an actual person. Right. Yeah. Right, it's a joke.

See, there it is. Once upon a time, there was a retard. Wow. Is that what it said in the movie? Yeah, it's a fake movie, though. Wow. I like the long lines. See, that's not that long ago and here's the thing that movie

also that's all from tropic thunder that movie is also the last time anyone's allowed to wear blackface yes yes that's it that's right that's it it's over now that's right like if robert downey jr tried to wear blackface in tropic thunder 2 imagine just imagine the blowback oh boy all the hurt feelings what happened christina what happened you're asking me this i'm confused this enormous question of what happened yeah i'm hoping you have a fresh take on it i'll tell you want to know what i think it is really yes okay i think since donald trump became the leader and I think some people are so triggered by daddy. Right. Daddy's a little narcissistic at times. Daddy's not very socially conscious at times. And I think that's affected because if you say anything kind of insensitive, then it's in a line with that regime.

You know what I mean? Even though you're maybe I don't identify with everything Trump stands for, I like inappropriate humor. Yeah. Doesn't mean I align with him. But I think because he doesn't give any sensitivity to these groups that are marginalized, it makes the marginalized people upset. I also think that people have realized that you can get people in trouble by pointing out the fact they're insensitive.

And you can come down on them hard. And when you do, they move. Things happen. There's like a reaction. Yeah. This is happening. What's interesting is the impulse to destroy. Yes.

It started with shaming. Fire them. Yes. Take away their income. Yeah. Make them lose their house. Disappear. Yes. Louis C.K. banished. Gone. It's not just, it started with shaming. Fire them. Yes. Take away their income. Take, yeah. Make them lose their house. Disappear. Yes.

Louis C.K. banished. Gone. Go away forever. Right. I'm not ready for you to come back yet. Right. Redemption. And how, when is redemption allowed?

How soon? Has he repented enough? Do we feel like he's earned that? There's all kinds of stuff. Yeah. And then who's accused? What are the grounds for accusation? Yes.

What's enough? What's enough evidence? Just somebody saying something. It's good enough. Believe all women. Which I believe, obviously. I mean, who the fuck, you know. But then again, yeah, there are people who are lying, who do say things that are true.

Yeah. But that believe all women thing, like, what about Casey Anthony? Believe her? Right. You know? What about Tanya harding believe her no right you saw the movie didn't you see the movie it's so funny there's a lot of them you shouldn't believe yeah yeah they're people on yeah exactly you never met a liar with a vagina that's outrageous they have vaginas too liars is a whole separate breed. They're non-gender specific. That's right. Oh, that's interesting.

They're non-binary. They are not binary. Liars are just liars. You know, it's like, yeah. I mean, it's not like murderers, you know, murderers are predominantly male. This is true. Yeah. This is fucking true.

What's up with that? Testosterone. Yeah. Yeah. And is fucking true. What's up with that? Testosterone. Yeah. Yeah. A long history of killing people. It's only been within the last couple hundred years you get in trouble for it. Testosterone. That's true.

Actually, yes, that's true, right? It used to be not that big a deal to kill people. No. You know? They killed each other. Right. People had duels. I mean, there was a president that had a duel.

Which one? I forget. Which one? Jackson. One of the presidents had a fucking duel while he was in office. That's pretty rad. Yeah. But I think you guys kill because you can physically.

Like right now, you could reach across this table and snap my neck because you're way bigger than me and way stronger than me. I could poison you. But men kill each other, too. They kill each other when each other are the same size. Yeah. They kill people that are bigger than them they you know there's a lot of it's a history of people killing people

people getting they're in the way they're a problem they're always they're starting all sorts of shit they won't let you sleep and you're like god damn it i want to just stab this motherfucker and that's that's how men handle things or have handled things. Or sociopaths, right? Yes. The sociopathic ones. Yes. But I think particularly when it's more common, it becomes a cultural sort of artifact. Like murder and violence becomes a part of life. Like if you lived in ancient Rome, for instance, and you got to the Colosseum and you watched people get chopped up with swords and eaten by lions,

and most people were, a lot of murder taking place out in the streets and very few people got caught for anything. Like, what kind of, I mean, you'd have to be like right there to catch someone doing something to actually catch them. That's true, yeah.

No fingerprints, no DNA, no understanding of anything. I mean, who the fuck knows who killed anybody? And people were just getting away with it left and right. What is this? Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. Burr was the sitting vice president at the time. He fought the vice president?

Aaron Burr was, yeah. Alexander Hamilton was the former secretary of the treasury, I believe, at the time. And they were political rivals. Whoa. Political rivals and they had a time. And they were political rivals. Whoa. Political rivals and they had a duel. Yeah. And who won? Burr.

Burr won? Yeah. And how did he win? Mortally wounded. Shot him. Killed him? Yeah. Damn.

It was a bunch of artist renderings of whatever it looked like. I don't know how many people were there. Isn't that crazy? They would stand like 10 paces. They would walk away from each other and then shoot each other. Yeah, but see, does that seem like a fair thing? It's just really who's quicker on the draw. It's not really who's stronger or more like an elegant fighter.

I don't know. You judge fights all the time. Well, they wanted to kill each other. That's the thing. It's like, so let's figure out a way where we can kill each other or try to kill each other, and we make an agreement on how it works. It's really stupid. Yeah, right?

Yeah, it's really stupid. Like, you shouldn't tell someone that you want to kill. The idea was, like, to make it so that either guy had a fair chance. It's fair killing. Right. Do you know that some states, like particularly Washington State, have mutually agreed combat laws? No. Yeah.

So like if you and Jamie just decided to fuck each other up, I think it might have to be girl on girl or boy on boy. But if Jamie just said to me, like, dude, I'm tired of your bullshit. I want to fuck you up. And I'd be like, I want to fuck you up too. And we just decided and agreed cops will stand by and let them beat the shit out of each other i kind of respect that some this is some old west type shit about that well i will say knowing what i know about males it's kind of the way at least growing up and the time i did that's how guys sorted shit out right yeah some guy was giving you some static you put him in his

place and then the beef is over right yeah but you don't want to have to do that the problem with that kind of shit is what if that guy can kick your ass and he's giving you some static, you put him in his place and then the beef is over, right? Yeah, but you don't want to have to do that. The problem with that kind of shit is what if that guy can kick your ass and he's giving you some static? What, are you going to let him beat you up now? That's true. You know? You don't want to have to fight someone or even have to know how to fight or have to

be in a position where you might get fucked up by a guy just because he likes to talk a lot. God damn, this guy's talking me into some sort of a beef and he doesn't mind if he gets his brains punched in he's already stupid yeah being a man's terrible what's better being a man or being a woman well I will say in terms of power being a dude listen white guys rule everything it's gonna be that way for a minute longer until these fucking old supreme court guys kick it you know what i mean do you think that's gonna change

everything well here's i think i think whoever controls the money and the power first the government and then you get the power you get the power yes it's actually true right uh that's real power you know what i'm saying who controls industry and who controls the government so until that changes do you think those supreme court guys and gals get together and go to one of them eyes wide shut parties yes yes yes what is that the bohemian grove like that kind of shit illuminatiuminati, the Bilderberg group. Yeah. Yeah. I started to watch a documentary on the Freemasons on Netflix. Most boring fucking thing I ever saw, I had to tap out after five minutes. Yeah.

Because it's like a legit organization where a bunch of nerds get together and do rituals. Yeah, they're real nerdy. Yeah, it's not even exciting. I met a Freemason in Houston. He was trying to tell me all about it. I fell asleep. Yeah. What are you still talking about?

Yeah. What? Are you still talking? Although we have a handshake, and you're like, dude, what's- We have a secret pyramid. Yeah. Are you still talking? Although we have a handshake and you're like... We have a secret pyramid. Inside that pyramid is an eye and that eye represents the eye of Horace. Yeah. Where's the witchcraft?

Let's get weird, man. But you know about that public execution stuff you were talking about earlier? Yeah. There's that book by Foucault. you know the old french philosopher he talked about the scaffold scenes and whether or not they worked as deterrent uh for people committing crimes so now we don't have public execution but we do shit behind closed doors right we don't hang

somebody but we quietly give somebody a lethal injection and it's all very civilized right to kill somebody but i wonder which works better. Is the public deterrent thing of like, hey dude, you steal some shit? Because look at Saudi Arabia. They'll cut your fucking hand off if you, you know, steal.

Yeah. I don't know. I wonder if the public versus the private punishment, if that ever really works on weirdos. Yeah. Would it stop men from murdering? I mean, I think people that do it get caught up in what they would call crimes of passion,

right? I don't like that. They get caught up in this moment and they just can't help themselves and they want to kill someone more than they want to be free. They just want to kill us motherfuckers want to be free they just want to kill us motherfuckers they deal with that law shit later right now i got a rock and that dude's got a head i need to connect this rock to that guy's fucking head what's this last public hanging in kentucky in 1936 jesus look how many people showed up that's. See, humans like that stuff.

We like to see it. They love it. Look at those guys climbing up on trees and shit in the background. Look at that. I got a good look. Can't see from back here. There's one other one, too. This was in France, 1939.

It's a guillotine on the street, basically. And you know what? The guillotine, it wasn't a clean cut the first time, and they'd have to do it a few times. Oh, really? Uh-huh. Not always a good. They had to. You always hoped for a sharp blade.

Oh, man. Yeah. That's the last public execution in France? Yeah, that's what it says, yeah. What year was that? 1939. Whoa. That's like recent.

39? Whoa. Was there a video of this? It says he was a German criminal. I don Whoa. That's like recent. 39? Whoa. Was there a video of this? It says he was a German criminal. I don't think there's any video. Cut his head off. Wow, that's crazy. What did he say?

Don't they have the box standing there? Two peoples ago, Joe, was your thing. Yeah. Yeah, the United States was founded three peoples ago. That's true. That's crazy. That's what's hard to really understand how much cultural evolution has taken place

just during our lifetime. It's hard to imagine. It's hard to imagine. What year were you born? 76. Could you imagine if you had a time machine and you can go back to 1976 and just wander around the streets

and see what people were like. You're like, oh my God, you guys are children. You don't know shit. You have no internet. You barely read. I know. What do you do? Sorry.

What's that? There's a video of that? It's not a really good video, but. Let's see it. Look at all these people. Gather around. Gather around. Fixing to drop the hammer.

Oh, here it is. Oh, get him in there. Get in there, bitch. It's a German. Ready? And chunk. Oh. On one take.

Good job. Oh, do that again. Show that again. Yeah, I know, right? Get him in there. And boom. That is a crazy way to kill someone. Yes.

Leave it to the French. Well, it's efficient. I think that's why. Yeah. Yes, this is what we do. It's a machine. We do not do it with our hands. We do it with the machine.

Yeah. Wow. Well, back to your statement, I often find myself, because I'm 42 years old, and I do find myself being like, the world has changed completely since I was a kid growing up in the 80s and in the 90s. Especially in the last decade, even just from the time I started doing stand-up and the audiences and how you have to adjust kind of how you're doing comedy to how it's received. Yeah. I mean, just even this thing. Phones. This isived. Yeah. I mean, just even this thing. Phones. This is bananas.

Yeah. I have a computer right here and I can watch movies. I can Google anything I want. Yeah. I can find my way home. Remember when you had to like remember how to get home? How about when it tells you you're 22 minutes from home? I'm like, bitch, you don't know where I live.

Yeah. How do you know I was going there? It tells you where you stop every night. I know. You're like, no, that ain't my home. That's my side piece of this house. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, what if your husband looked at you, hey, why does it say you're only 15 minutes from home?

We live a half an hour from here. I know. Because that's that side dick. That side dick 15 minutes away. Right.

I mean, cheating now, you've got to be, you've got to have a burner, right? I mean, because your wife could just fucking. I think if you, cheating now, you've got to be, you've got to have a burner, right? I mean, because your wife could just fucking. I think if you're cheating today,

you're just, you're a reckless, reckless individual. If you're using your phone. Yeah. If you're using your phone and cheating, Ooh, reckless person.

Crazy talk. Ooh, reckless person. Yeah. But if you got a burner phone, people are like, what's up with that Kmart phone oh your wife's gonna find that you get that fucking cvs flip phone you got oh and by the way i heard you guys talking about me uh not being ride or die with sagura yeah well you're gonna turn him in i'll turn him in a hot second that crime of passion yeah no no no here's my

problem i i would uh i'd be ride or die when it came to premeditated under the condition of Second, that crime of passion. Yeah, no, no, no. Here's my problem. Okay. I'd be ride or die when it came to premeditated under the condition of somebody's threatening my family. But let's say he goes to Starbucks and the barista gets his order wrong, which is the scenario we discussed. And then he snaps and kills the barista. That's the shit I'm talking about where I'm like, oh, this person's crazy. Like you've turned a corner mentally. Well, how about the guy fuck up the order good point yeah I mean what if you said sugar free and it clearly has sugar in it right right right or non-fat yeah it gives you a whole fat half cap how much anxiety do you get when you go to Starbucks and the barista makes someone else's order before yours that ordered after you do you know i mean like they call that person's name i get so fucking

angry i drink coffee yeah oh just coffee drip yeah give me a grande coffee please which roast the dark one whatever just give me fucking coffee that's what i get i get a cup of coffee i put some cream in it and i'm good you don't do spice? I don't fuck with any of that stuff. Yeah. But my wife does drink vanilla lattes that are sugar free with heavy cream. Heavy cream instead of milk. That's interesting. Pretty goddamn good.

And they're sugar free. Oh, that's nice. Those are goddamn good. Those are good. But they're not coffee. It's like a drink. You're drinking a drink. It's like a milkshake. Yeah, a lot of calories. Yeah. A lot of calories. It's good before you work out. We drank one of those. I drank one of those this morning before I hit the hills. Is she on the same diet you are? She was on keto for a while. Now she got off of that, but she might get back on it again. We were here last night. I went running today and I was hobbling because we were drunk bench pressing last night. And while drunk bench pressing, I pulled a muscle in my leg.

Of course you did. Like they're like, how many times do you think you can press 225? I'm like, a lot. Give me that, you pussies. Like we were so drunk we're so drunk and i bench pressed 225 pounds like 11 times and on the 11th time i felt something go on my leg i was like what is this but i ignored it seemed fine i was walking around everything was fine but then running today was not fine as soon as i was running as soon as i got on the hills and then i was pushing it i was like oh i fucked something up in my leg. Drunk bench pressing. You're so crazy.

You're back to exercising already. Oh, I was exercising two days afterwards. Yeah, but not as much. I mean, I ran the hills today. That was kind of hard. But now I'm fucked. I really am limping. I got to figure out what this is.

Well, plus on hills, it's uneven terrain and there's rocks and shit, right? It can't be good for your knees and no it's that's not a problem my knees were they were sore for my knees were a little sore my feet were sore my ankles were sore because there's a lot of pounding a lot of running yes and uh that's i take my dog that's his like that's how he stays chill that's right if he if he runs with me a couple miles a day he's so chill he's just relaxed if he doesn't me a couple miles a day, he's so chill. He's just relaxed. If he doesn't, he's like, what are we doing, man? We can't just sit around this fucking house.

We got to do something. That's what Cesar Millan says. You got to tire him out. Calm, submissive energies. Yeah. Is that what he says? Calm, submissive energy. And if they work out, then they're chill and you can tell them what to do.

Yeah. No, that's definitely true. Yeah, for sure. Especially, my dog's pretty young. He's only, he'll turn two next month. Oh, thank you. So he's basically a pup still.

So cute. Super sweet. Yeah, he's a gorgeous dog. He's a sweetie. He's the sweetest of sweeties. He's a really good dog. You know, I was listening to Ari

talk some shit on the, your wrap-up show, whatever, from Sober October and it's so funny when he's like well these two are obese he's like I just eat normal which is so true I like he eats what is fucking Ari is he on the keto normal no he's normal he was fat at one point in time no yeah he had a sugar problem he was eating candy like all the time and then he realized he

had a candy problem Ari's very smart he recognizes he has problems and he fixes them and that's something that uh fat Bert doesn't do that's why Ari's better than Bert Ari he did change his life I mean like I we kind of started at the same time in comedy I didn't really know him know him until much later but yeah I remember him being kind of a fuck-up and then he like turned his shit around and yep yeah amazing well he um he he did a lot of different things sorry no disrespect no he's successful now so he's he's also doing it his way like really truly doing it his way like he doesn't he's got no one that tells him what to do and then he's going to keep it that way he doesn't have any expensive taste at all he wears normal clothes he doesn't even own a fucking watch you know you know he's like why would i have a watch i can see the

time it's on my phone it's how you when was the last time you're somewhere where you couldn't find the time yeah on his flip phone phone doesn't even have like a nice phone he doesn't want one because he realizes he gets addicted to social media he gets addicted to like googling things and tweeting and all that shit you just can't do it you can't handle it you just have

I get it but you just have to have discipline I agree yeah for me I can you know I don't have a problem not looking at my phone for hours of time i think you got to just decide that that's how you live you don't just live checking your phone constantly because so you and i grew up in a time where we didn't compulsively check our phones and now i've had to learn to give a shit about it like what email came in yeah uh but imagine our children

who are this is just an i was listening to you talk to elon musk about how this is like an extension technology will just grow into a human being right like well my daughter's friends my 10 year old daughter's friend uh all of them have phones except for like two or three of them 10 yeah what are they doing at ten? Is it social media? This one girl, my wife always jokes, she goes, when you see her, she'll have a phone in her hand. She always has a phone in her hand.

She never puts that fucking phone down. She stares at that phone while she's talking to her friends. She's playing with things. She goes, this is why I don't want our kids to have phones. And then we meet her at Starbucks. She's looking at her phone. Oh, hi. It's like a scene in a movie.

She's like, hi, how are you? And she's looking at her phone. Oh, hi. It's like a scene in a movie. She's like, hi, how are you? She's looking at her phone, checking things. Like they're texting each other back and forth constantly at 10. They're manipulating each other. Like one of them will say something to get the other one's goat and then she'll go radio silent on her. Like, oh, you little cunt. You learn how to do that at 10? Oh, girls.

They're fucking with each other at 10. Dude, that's normal though. That girl evil shit, you learn to call. You do that stuff early. But with this this it's even more insidious you can't have a group of three girls because one's gonna be out all the time it's just what girls do it's evil why is that why girls do that well what's the evolutionary biology solution like what is the the the cause the root right one is your ally one is your enemy well i don't know you're gonna fuck her husband because you want that new dick and you want those

sperm for the eggs so i want to fuck that other my friend's husband no no i think it's a threat the other bitches are a threat right yeah other bitches are a threat yeah but they're a threat because they want to fuck your husband yeah yeah yeah So you got to like figure out a way to manipulate them. Yeah. Yeah. Keep them nervous. Keep those hoes in check. That's right.

Make them, make them fuck up. So you keep one clip, one hoe close to you and you trust. You keep the other bitches out. That's right. Damn. Now I'm talking. Yeah. Psychology.

It's fascinating. But with men too, you know, there's guys that will fuck your wife. You know know there's guys that will fuck your wife you know there's guys that will move on them say yeah you know look i don't want to be that guy but you deserve better than dom just a bad guy oh my god i've had friends in the past do that to your lady yeah yeah and then i they'd go straight to me and tell me, go to the guy. I'd go, I guess we're not friends, huh? I thought we were friends. You fucking weasel. Damn.

Dude, listen, I'm friends with her too. Fuck you. There's certain guys that are like that. There's certain guys that just like, I had a friend when I was growing up who always wanted to fuck the girlfriends of other guys. And then if those guys broke up with the girl, he would immediately fuck them. I'm like, dude, he's your friend. He was like, oh, she's fucking, she's free.

She's free now. Free market. What are those called? Are those hyenas where they prey on the carcass? What animal preys on the carcass? Scavengers. They're scavengers. They're waiting.

They're just waiting for that breakup. That guy is always around. And he's the guy you're friends with for a while, for like a few years. And he acts cool. And then the minute you break up. Yeah, he moves in. Yeah, dude. He's the shoulder you cry on.

It took me a few years to learn that guy. I'm like, oh, shit. You're not my friend, dude. How about the ones that are supposed to be your friend? That's, yeah. And they're playing like they're your friend. But really, they're just waiting for a moment to slip it in. Yeah, yeah, you're not my friend, dude. How about the ones that are supposed to be your friend? That's, yeah. And they're playing like they're your friend, but really they're just waiting for a moment to slip it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be a time when she's vulnerable.

Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a time. I always, it shows if there's a guy and a girl together and I'm like, oh, are you on a date? No, he's just my friend. I'm like, oh, bitch. No. He wants to fuck you. He does, but some girls know it and they just keep that guy around because he'll drive them to the mall,

and he'll fucking take them to dinner. But he just went out with Mike. He's a sweetie. Meanwhile, Mike is just beating off his finger up his ass, thinking about you. Poor Mike. With his finger in his ass, double. Yeah, yeah. Now he's fucking winning it.

Two of them are grabbing the balls like a bowling ball. One's in the asshole. he's angry and he's coming shit fuck shit men are so nasty y'all are so damn nasty angry that it's not working out fucking shit

and then she texts him after he comes he's looking at her like no we're not friends not friends this is terrible I can't wait to shut it down though shut it down After he comes, he's looking at us like, no, we're not friends. Not friends. That's terrible. I can't wait to shut it down, though, you know. Shut it down. I can't wait to hit menopause.

Just shut it all up. Let me tell you how much work it is. Like, especially when you hit your 40s. I got to do Pilates twice a week. I got to eat the fucking Primal. I'm on the Primal diet. So I don't eat anything. Primal Blueprint.

Yes. Mark Sisson's diet. Yeah. He's a sponsor of this show oh yeah yes okay he's been on the podcast for a couple times yes i uh great guy i tried to i was trying to i have like baby brain i was trying to listen to the vegan doctor versus that's a good one yeah chris crusher yeah yeah i just i have to listen in pieces because it's pretty intricate you know it's very intense yeah yeah. Yeah. But, like, anyway. The point being, I can't wait to shut it the fuck down.

Really? Yeah, and just wear, like, culottes and Birkenstocks. Are you going to wear Crocs ever? Fuck yeah, I'm going to wear Crocs. Really? With socks or no socks? Socks because my feet get real sweaty, you know? Yeah.

And then I'm going to get real short haircut just above the ears. Like Nanette? Yeah. sweaty you know yeah and then i'm gonna get real short haircut like just above the ears the nanette yes yeah or like that ashley rose what's her name amber rose oh she's so pretty though no the other one amber rose is the hot one yeah but then the other one ruby rose i don't know that one she's the one who played the hit man in the John Wick movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah. John Wick 2. I like those movies a lot, man.

I love John Wick movies. Yeah, fuck with no man's dog. Can't kill a man's dog. Yeah, dude. He's going to kill everybody you know. Yeah, I respect that. Cute little puppy. Yeah.

Beat it to death. Yeah. Yeah, her. Oh, she's gorgeous. Yeah, she and I have the same acting teacher. Do you? I've seen her. Do you have an acting teacher?

I have a coach that I go to before auditions. Yeah. Oh, that's a good move. Yeah. I'm not great at it. But at this point, like with the... I'm terrible at it. You?

What are you talking about? I'm not good at acting. You're fantastic. Hello. When have you ever seen me acting? News, radio. That shit's easy. That's sitcom acting.

That's all I want to do, but that's all I want to do. Sitcom acting's very easy. Give me the tutorial on sitcom acting. Just do it. Just pretend you're that person. The end. Wait a minute. There's no method?

You don't have to walk around in character for days? No. Memorize what you're supposed to say. Pretend to be that person. Do it a bunch of times so you know how to do it the right way. And then go in and don't be nervous. That's the thing is not choking. That's a big part of it.

A big part of auditions is ready, go. And you got to be normal. You got to be normal in that, especially if it's like a calm scene or a weird scene or a love scene or something like that. It's all these assholes staring at you with fucking notepads and stacks of other people's bios and headshots. And, you know, the whole thing is bizarre. It's the worst.

It's so different than actual acting, too, because it's like you're doing it in this weird environment. There's a conference table. The person who's reading with you is probably like i did one and it was the person who read with me was so insultingly bad at it that i was i was i was really frustrated it was like some uh pa and he was like i just don't know if this is what was supposed to happen with us i was like come on man if you're gonna fucking just say the words so i can respond to this, I can't get, what the fuck is wrong? This is what I want to say. If you were talking to me like that, I'd be like, what is wrong

with you? Why can't you talk? Are you on drugs? Did you get hit in the head? Did a coconut fall out of a tree and almost kill you? Ah, Joe. See, this is why you're so successful. This is why. Why? Well, because in a world of bullshit

You know what I mean? You gotta keep it 100 I don't think the world is I don't think there's a world of bullshit I think there's a lot of bullshit But I think there's more reality today Than I think we've ever experienced ever before But what there is is a bunch of people that are scared

That's what it is They're scared of getting called out or they're scared of getting fired. The fired one's a big one. They'll take away your income. Shit. Now I've got to find another job after I talked about blackface. God damn it. Poor Megan Kelly. Poor Megan. Oh my gosh. It's over.

And she was loving it. Was it Fox she worked at before? Yeah. Where she could say all kinds of crazy shit. Oh yeah, they don't care about blackface at Fox. They're like, yeah, why can't you? Yeah. Give her a raise for that one. Yeah. You should be able to have a bone in your nose.

And then she goes over to, was it NBC? Yeah. Why would you go there? You know that's not for you, dude. Apparently, they did not like her from the jump. The inside word is that she was not a nice person. They did not like her to be around. They were looking for a reason to get rid of her.

That's the word. That's the inside word. But don't you hate that when you hear that someone's not nice and they're making millions of dollars? That's true. But who's saying she's not nice? How about someone who's annoying to her? Maybe she's not nice because you're annoying. She's out there trying to educate people about blackface.

You motherfuckers are trying to shut her game down there trying to educate people about blackface you motherfuckers trying to shut her game down educate people about blackface listen it's just color yeah what's the big deal now didn't she say that santa claus isn't black too yes yeah it's awesome yeah that was a part of the extended megan kelly bit that i had to edit down i had a guy in the office who was working with her i was like have you worked with megan kelly after like about a year you're not doing any work all day long all you're thinking of is someone gets to fuck her why can't it be me like if you're in the cubicle right there and you're running down you time you time your trips to the coffee machine when you see her walking not yet not yet go like megan just want to let you know,

Santa Claus is definitely white. Like, you'd say things to get her to like you more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, how horrible. That's a lot of guys. A lot of guys working in offices. Oh.

But you're not supposed to hit on your coworkers now. Isn't that considered a microaggression or toxic masculinity? Some of those things. But then what if you love her? What if she loves you? Oh, my God oh my god so scary if it works out what if her husband is a jerk you'll take care of her

kids oh my god no way i can't even imagine i mean i've been with tommy for so long like being with oh my god this is what i think i think when people work together if you work together for eight hours a day you are spending as much if not more time with that person that you work with every day than you do with your spouse absolutely and you're only home like look if you're home in the morning how much do you get to see your your wife or your your husband fucking an hour two hours in the morning at most you get up you run into the shower excuse me brush your teeth you want to eat breakfast let's eat breakfast what do you got going on today then we're playing basketball with mike and then for eight hours eight hours of the day you're with some other people you don't spend eight hours flat with anybody other than the

people that you work with you get home it's what 7 what, 7.30, 8 o'clock, you watch TV, you have dinner. By the time it's 10, you're asleep. That's three hours. You got like three hours with that person. There were eight hours with this guy who was trying to fuck him. I know, and you're right, you're right, because I worked at a company. This guy, he ended up marrying his assistant. Oh, shit.

But he did that thing where like, this is my work life That's what they start by doing they break you down slowly and they're like this my work wife. This is my work husband Hahaha, it's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke When does the fart happen after that was come oh that was oh, sorry Yeah, cuzy always like i held in a fart that whole time we were doing it are you proud of me that's his latest thing and i'm like yeah babe it's real romantic um but they're they're married now actually but that's how he courted her and she was way out of his league she was a hot 20 something gorgeous girl

married now they have you have how many kids? I don't remember. So what happened? How did he get her? He broke her. So she was dating some guy that wouldn't call her. It was kind of like dipping out on her and stuff. So he'd be like, I'm here for you.

Let's go out after work. Let's go get some drinks, right? I'm your friend. I'm the guy that's going to show up for you every day. Dump that guy. I'm here. I'm here. So he was saying, even though he's just saying he's a work husband, he's saying

I could be your real husband. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And to her. She gave up. Yeah. That's what she wanted though. She wanted to be wifed up. Wifed up. Yeah. A lot of girls want to be wifed up. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Why would you work? It's the best. I'm an idiot.

I'm not going on the road. You want to make a living? Apply your craft. Fuck'm an idiot. I'm not going on the road. Yeah, we want to make a living. Career aspirations. Apply your craft. Fuck out of here. Yeah, right? It's really sad when guys wife up. I know a guy that's wifed up. You mean, oh, when the woman takes care of the man? She got all the money.

She got all the money. But you don't think that's awesome? Like, to stay home? He looks miserable. Because he doesn't have any's awesome, like to stay home? He looks miserable. Because he doesn't have any say. He doesn't have any income. She's got all the money. So who has the money has the power in the relationship. Yeah, and she didn't even earn the money. The money came from the family.

Fantastic. And they're involved, too. They're always around. Oh, no, that's not good. He's a weak, weak, weak soul. That's a dark place for a man to be. No sovereignty. No control of your existence.

No real financial decision-making ability because you don't bring in any money. You're scaring me right now. I'm feeling it. There's guys that they settle for that. Well, you know, let's be egalitarian. This is getting horrible. Everything's fine. There's no reason for everybody to work.

I mean, why should I work? You know, Wilma makes all the money. Now you think that relationship can't ever work, that dynamic? Does it make sense to you? Why would it work? It's like, yeah, I mean, maybe the alligator and the cat can be friends. Of course that shit ain't going to work. It's just not going to work.

It will work if it's not a real man and the woman likes that scenario. And if the guy's just like this spineless little cheese head. I think you're, and it's totally on PC. Yeah. And I think you're right because I think he's got to be kind of a beta male. He's the guy who likes his balls busted a little bit maybe. Yeah. Maybe he likes his nuts squished.

Or he's just scared. He's just scared. Yeah. You know? Look, it's, if you're in a relationship with someone and that someone is a woman and she makes far more money than you. And you just decide to let her pay all the bills. That is a squirrely proposition. It may work.

It's entirely possible. You might find the perfect woman and the perfect man where their personalities gel together. Neither one of them gives a fuck about money. And yet the guy's still a man and the woman's still a woman. It's just that she makes all the money. And, you know, he kind of like does the dishes and takes it in the ass. She pegs him. She puts on a strap on.

She pisses in his face. That's how he gets money for food. Piss on her, beats her. Try it out. Try it out. Try it out. Equality. She does whatever she wants.

She smacks him. He can't leave. You think that's what's going on yeah i think so they have no power well let's see what about oprah and stedman but stedman makes a living too like he what does stedman do stedman is like one of those pirate beards that you glue on at a party and everybody knows it's not a real beard he's not even a good beard? I didn't even... You know what never really occurred to me? I don't know.

I just... They've been together forever. But could you picture Oprah eating pussy? Yes, a thousand percent. But I think Gail, for her, isn't so much a lover as a mom. I don't even know who Gail is. That's her best friend, Gail King. I'm not aware.

Where the fuck you been? I'm out of the loop. Come on now. I'm out of the loop. Come on now. I'm out of the loop. Come on now, Gail's her BFF. That's the one they think that she's- So they're just friends? No.

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. It's possible that's not the case. Yeah. It's possible. But they know, I don't want to assume. Oh, she looks good.

They're Oprah skinny. That was skinny Oprah. Mm-hmm. For all them snickers. Who knows? That's one thing. Stedman's just steady. He doesn't go nowhere.

Doesn't he make a good living, though? Doesn't he have a job? That's the thing. I think Stedman does have stuff going. Yeah, I think he's like a, I want to say he's a lawyer or something like that. I Googled him. It said American educator, so I don't know. Well, here's the thing.

A teacher or something. educator so i don't know well here's the thing teacher or something wouldn't you say that when someone regardless of a male female has nothing else in life going you know i'm saying when they have no drive no focus no no goal yeah that in and of itself is a bad thing it's a bad thing regardless of being the man of gender yeah yeah yeah people with no hobbies like you don't you don't enjoy doing anything like even if it's just like reading you don't you don't like doing i do too but you don't like to do anything you don't like to do anything yeah like you don't do anything what do you do watch tv and eat that's a lot of comedians though oh yeah but at least they tell jokes that's true when they're not telling jokes, they watch TV and eat.

Yeah. Yeah. I used to do that a lot. We're a fucking weird group of people. Got that. I mean, if you really stop and think about how odd our group is, I'll have a little of that. Okay. I don't want you to drink alone.

There you go. Plus, I probably should have a little alcohol after all the alcohol I did yesterday. You've written 11 self-help books. Who? Stedman? About how to marry rich hoes. How to cope when your wife is way more successful. How to get some rich pussy.

I know. You know, as feminist as I am, because obviously I'm down for the cause. What is the cause? Well, equality. Right. The choice to have choice to do what the fuck you want to equality. Right. To have choice to do what the fuck you want to do. You want to stay home and raise your kids? Stay home and raise your kids. You want to go have a job? Go have a fucking job.

I agree with that as well. Yeah. Maybe I'm a feminist and I don't know it. Yeah, I think you are, actually. How weird. I think you are. Where'd you get the ice? This whole fucking time? It's been right here. God damn it. Come on, this is a high class operation. What the fuck? Do I put my fingers in there? Yeah, get in there. Okay. I trust you.

I don't know. Oh, gosh. But here's the deal. You know, my mother was a European lady. And as a female comic, I'm an alpha in the streets. But I'm kind of a beta in the sheets. You know what I'm saying? I like to take care of my

husband I think that's why Tommy and I work out because I like to you know I bake fucking rice crispy treats I have shit I food in the house I'm kind of a tradition wife well you're powerful but you're also still a woman and there's nothing wrong with like that if that's how you like to be the idea that there's something wrong with that because you're supposed to be even with him so you're supposed to be treating each other not like your traditional male versus female role even if that's what you like that becomes a problem because it's like a pressure problem that women will put on other women to behave in a different way because they don't want to reinforce traditional gender roles oh right yeah sure sure even if that role feels right to you you need to do like it.

I like it. I like taking care of my kids. Yeah, but there's some dirty cunts out there. They'll tell you that's bad. The dirty cunts. Those angry bitches. Yes, that's true. No, you're right.

I've had some people say stuff to me about it, and I'm like, well, it makes me happy. And if that's all that matters, and it's my choice to do that stuff, I'm not saying I do it every night. A hundred percent. Yeah. Whatever makes you happy, as long as you're not hurting anybody, that's all that matters. And the idea that there's something wrong with you doing that, like it's just fucking stupid. Yeah. It really is.

It's just stupid. And it's silly. What are you talking about? You had that guy. There's a lot of that though. Of what? A lot of that stupidness out there. People telling people the way they should and shouldn't live. Yeah.

You know, like, you don't have much time, man. No. I mean, you and I are halfway done, basically. I'm almost dead. When you think about it, when you turn 40, you're like, oh, this is it, dude. Yeah. How much time you got left? Hopefully another 30 years of good living, I'm saying, before you really start to break down.

Yeah, if you're lucky, until shit starts falling apart. The wheels start coming off. Yes. And people are worried about dumb shit, like whether or not this woman works or she should have a career. She should do this. She should do that. She's happy. She likes eating cheese and getting her toes done.

Leave her alone. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. I think that is a middle-aged revelation, though. You go like, oh, there's only so much time left. I don't give a fuck about all this. Like, I'm going to do me, bro. The guy that I know that's stuck, the wife makes all the money,

you could see it in his face, though. Like, you just see the quiet anxiety. It's like a lion at the zoo where they're kind of broken. Yeah. And they're like, you know that they're a hunter inside, but you take that instinct away and they get the meat thrown at them and they're just like sadly kind of. Just eat that meat off the tray. It's like a vegan cat, right?

Like a weak. A frail. Did you bother looking it up? I did. Did you bother looking up vegan cats? I did. And they're all skinny and shit like they're all laying down a lot of them are fat as fuck because all they eat is carbs i know that's the problem laying down fucking bloated kidney failure i know eyes are gray and dull

that can be the problem with the vegan diet, right? Is you're eating macaroni and cheese and stuff. Oh, yeah. If you go wrong. That's why the healthy people call it plant-based. Because they want it to be plant-based, not just pasta all the time. Yes. Yeah.

Yes. But you have to eat a lot, from what I understand, of that plant-based protein. A lot of it. Yeah. Well, in terms of protein, there's some foods that are pretty rich in protein. The real problem is bioavailability. It's not just that there's protein in it. It's like how much of that protein is absorbed in comparison to like a similar amount of beef protein. It's not as easily absorbed. You can definitely do it though. You could definitely

live a vegan life and be healthy. You just have to really watch your P's and Q's. You've got to really mind what you eat. You have to take B12 supplements. You have to make sure that you're getting the correct amount of essential fatty acids. But you can do it. It can be done. But it's not as effective. It's not as easy, I should say, as just eating meat and vegetables. You eat meat and vegetables.

You've got your bases covered. But if you just decide you're just going to be vegan, like, oh boy, you got to make sure you have quinoa or hemp protein. And there's like certain plants that have some amount of protein, but they don't have a complete amino acid profile. It's tricky, you know, but the people who want, the people who live it, they live that vegan life. Boy, they want you to think that that's the only way to go. If you don't, you don't live that way, you're going to be sick and you're going to be unhealthy and my favorite thing is when one of those motherfuckers jump ship they've been they've been singing the praises of vegan this and vegan that i had a friend who lasted six months he lasted six months and during that time he was telling me well the ethical thing to do you know i felt like

i was a hypocrite if i didn't eat vegan and then he ate vegan he started getting sick as fuck he got his blood lipids back his body's falling apart i was like bitch you need some meat you need some meat yeah now he eats meat like crazy it's hilarious six months later yeah it's yeah i ran into him at a steakhouse happy as shit right like i'm on it dude just eat meat like fuck listen that that diet is just a lot of work you can do it you can do it if you decide it can be done but i have a friend who is actually a doctor who was in a motorcycle accident, got really badly banged up. And he was vegan at the time. And his wife made him eat a hamburger. She's like, just do me a favor.

I just want you to eat some meat. Like he wasn't recovering. He was like really struggling to get over these injuries. He ate a cheeseburger and he said, literally, I was so overwhelmed with energy. I wanted to jump out of bed. He goes, I never was vegan again. He goes, after that one juicy cheeseburger. He goes, I ate it.

I felt so good. And the protein, like my body was like crying out for it. And like a McDonald's. Is that what you said? I think it was a good one. I think it was a real cheeseburger. Like a real. Okay.

So McDonald's is like prison meat. A restaurant style cheeseburger. Juicy fat boy. Oh, it's so good,'t it i know when i'm pregnant but uh but what i found interesting when those guys were on talking about it is because i like to eat salami i do like the processed shit and he was like the processed meats are the no no that's what's going to give you butt cancer unless you get a ton of vegetables to offset the damage right in your colon nitrites yeah so i try to get the nitrite free whole food

shit yeah is that cool yeah you can i mean there's there's organically grow organically created charcuterie how do you say it charcuterie i just learned this word charcuterie charcuterie charcuterie it's basically salami mortadella that kind of of stuff. But there's companies that make it organically. It just doesn't last very long. It doesn't have any preservatives in it. That's really what you want. But that's what gives you the butt cancer. I'm sure.

The real problem with all these assumptions is that these are correlations mostly based on people filling out questionnaires. That was fascinating, yes. And how much do you recall of what you ate yesterday accurately? That's what's really interesting. Not that good. That's part of the problem. And people tend to make themselves look like they eat better than they actually do. They kind of lie.

They feel bad about being a fucking glutton and a slob. Yeah. I'll ask my trainer that because the lady I do Pilates with, she put me on this primal diet and that's why i lost baby weight the first time and i was like how many of your clients just stay fucking fat for years and then you ask them what they eat and they just lie to you she's like oh it's a lot of people like they don't really have an awareness you know what i mean like you

think you're doing one thing but the reality reality is completely different. It's hard for women when they get real big. Your body wants to keep on that fucking weight. It does. Your body does not want to let that go. It's easier for a man to lose weight, definitely. I really believe that. Well, you're more muscular. Your body has more caloric requirements because there's all this muscle, burn up, fat.

And then if you do lift weights, which everybody who wants to get lean, I always recommend you got to lift some weights. Because if you lift weights, your body is burning more fat because it's adding more muscle. So it's burning more calories. If you eat the same amount of food, but you just lift weights, you're going to lose body fat. And the reason is because your body's going to build up muscle tissue and that muscle tissue is going to have a caloric requirement. And those calories, if you eat the exact same amount of calories, but now you're eating all this food but lifting weights, your body is going to get leaner. As long as you're consistent.

You stay consistent and continue lifting weights. You can eat like a fat ass and still. I didn't say that. But I'm saying if you are on a diet, like a sustainable diet, like you eat a normal amount of food, but you lift weights. Lifting weights is a great way to lose weight. It's a great way to lose body fat. You won't necessarily lose weight because you'll put on muscle mass, but your body will burn off more fat, particularly if you're a guy, because it's easier to put

on weight, muscle weight. Fucking A, man. This fucking, this thing that we did this month One thing that it did teach me is Boy you can do a lot more than you think you can I bet A lot more I bet

Tom loves it The challenge aspect of it Yeah He loves to push himself Is it the sadist where you hurt yourself Or the masochist Yes Masochist you hurt yourself

Sadist you hurt other people Oh oh So the masochist in him I don't know he loves to challenge himself and do these things with you guys i think it gives him a big charge yeah he's a i'm i was a sadist when i was trying to hurt bert i was trying to get bert to try to keep up with me so he would die oh bird everybody wanted to make sure that bert came in last that That's what everybody was super concerned with. Super concerned with Bert going, well, I didn't come in last. Mission accomplished.

He came in last. When he was starting to pull, where am I going to put the belt? Where am I going to put the belt on my shelf? I was like, you're never getting that belt. Oh, Bert. I'm going to take you on a road through hell. You're not getting that belt, motherfucker. So how did he go wrong?

He just wasn't consistent? Well, there's a lot of things for sure. He is overweight, which makes it far more difficult to keep up that amount of cardio because your joints are going to hurt and you're running. Yeah. I mean, he's real heavy. I mean, I think he lost some weight during the program, but he was 246, something like that when he did it.

And he got down to 216 for the weight loss challenge. Right. I remember that was really fun. 219? 219. Tommy did 216. So that's a significant amount of weight. We're talking about a good solid 20 plus pounds, 30 pounds of weight that he put on. That's a lot of weight.

That's fat. It's just 30 steaks of fat. I know. When you look at what a pound of fat is, because I've had to lose weight from the second pregnancy, I've gotten more efficient at it because I learned how to do it. But I'd say I have another 20 to go to where I'm comfortable. But God damn, man, that's a lot. One pound?

Yeah. You lift up one of your kettlebells. What is it, 10 pounds? Those are 35 pounds. The little chimp ones, those are 35 pounds. Yeah. That's what Bert had to lose. He's carrying that 35-pound kettlebell everywhere he goes.

That's a tremendous strain on your knees. Yeah. But it's also his body's just not used to exercise. And he has to take high blood pressure medication, which I guarantee makes you weak. That stuff fucks with you. I mean, he's taking something that's lowering his blood pressure.

What else is it doing? It's not just lowering your blood pressure. Was it using angels to do that? Was it using pixie dust to make sure you're super healthy and you don't have a stroke? Who knows what the fuck that stuff's doing to you And that's from like cholesterol

and his blood causing that From being fat and lazy and drinking from drinking Look, I love Bird to death, but he needs to hear this. You've got to stop drinking every night. You can't drink every night.

You can't do that. That's a lot. That's too much. You look at Tom. Tom lost all that weight in the weight loss challenge and kept it off. Oh, yeah. Kept it off. Oh, yes.

Bert didn't keep it off. Well, what's the difference? Well, Bert ran a marathon. Well, Bert does those tough mudder races. Bert runs all the time. How come Bert isn't skinny? Because Bert's drinking a fucking case of vodka every night. Well, calorically, well, how much is a glass?

I mean, okay, a glass of vodka, a glass of wine. What is that? 300 calories, let's say, a glass of wine. Is it? Yeah, I'm on there. So you drink... Probably. Let's say you drink... 30 of those. Or two glasses a night, or a bottle of wine a night. Jesus Christ. Bert drank a whole box of wine.

What do you mean? When? In one of those wine boxes? Yes, yes. Drank a whole box of wine. When he was here? At night. Oh, no. He was talking to us about it. Remember we talked about it? You drank a box? That's a lot. How many glasses are in that?

Yeah. There's got to be like 20 glasses in that. Yeah, so what is that? Like a milkshake and a cheeseburger? Double cheeseburger? Five liters. Five liters. He drank five liters of wine.

He could have a small one, I guess. Fuck, he did. Why would he have a small one? We could have a big one. Five. Oh, and it's like shit. Shit wine. Oh, dude.

Yeah, sugary. Yeah. This is the best. Boxed wine. That's gnarly. It's not even the good shit, dude. Yeah. Well, I'm hoping that through this, everybody kind of keeps up a certain amount of fitness

because it seems like we kind of... Boxed wine, so much class, so few calories. I doubt that. Why is this one a few calories? Is it a spurt? They're talking about that specific type of wine, Franzia. Is that a low-calorie wine? Well, there's that skinny brand.

Skinny wine? Yeah, that one of the housewives created. Worst wine. 10 grams. White wine. Rhyne has 110 calories, 5 grams of sugar. Shiraz Red, 110 calories, 10 grams of sugar, just for a 5-ounce serving. So that's a small glass of wine.

A regular-sized glass of wine, right? That's not that bad. 110 calories. So if you can keep yourself to one glass of wine, that's not bad. That's not biggie. No. Yeah.

But if you're doing the whole bottle. Yeah, that's not good. If you're drinking a case of it, if they're backing up one of those oil trucks to your house and you're just sucking on that dick of death because all that wine dick juice is just coming down your fat face. Well, especially as a woman.

If I do Pilates, that's what, like 300 calories. That's all? Yeah. For an hour. Jesus. I know. And then you can drink that shit up and, you know what I mean? One of the workouts that we did, you know, because I decided about, I don't know, I guess

like close to two weeks out that I was going to start really pressuring these guys and just doing workouts to like five hour workouts, like doing shit that's just insane. I was like, let's see where we're going. Let's see how far we go. One workout I did, I burned 4,700 calories. That's bananas. It was crazy. I was eating boxes of graham crackers or animal crackers. I ate a whole box of animal crackers. I ate apples. I drank a cream soda. Sugar, sugar.

I just wanted sugar while I was doing it. I was like, I'm so taxed out. Yeah. But I'm going to keep going. I'm like, I need some sugar. Damn. So I just ate these animal crackers and drank soda. Yeah.

Got right back on. Yeah, dude. Puppet master. I just back on. Yeah, dude. The puppet master. I just kept thinking about Bert getting tired. How's he going to surf, man? So wait, where are you guys going to do this? I guess we would have to do it in Malibu or Santa Monica or wherever you could surf. or like Santa Monica or wherever you could surf.

And we would have to figure out a way that the app registers how much time you're standing on the board. So like it would have to be how much time you're actually surfing, not just, you know, well, I found a trick. I'll just get on my belly and I'll paddle around. No, no, no. It has to be standing, standing on the surfboard. We have to figure out a way. Did you say there was some sort of an app or something?

Yeah, the app. There has to be. I was trying to figure out what it's tracking. It's tracking the board's movement, I think. So if you're doing side-to-side stuff, it knows that you're probably up. Does it know if you're lying on your stomach just paddling like a slob? I don't think it would tell you that. Can I tell you how hard that shit is though it's

hard tell you what the hardest at least from when i learned how to surf a decade ago the hardest part is paddling out on that fucking board you're i mean you're going against the current right against the waves bang bang bang turn that board around you finally see the wave coming and then you got to paddle paddle paddle and then the pop-up so right you're on your belly and you got to pop up from your belly to standing right like this dude like you got to paddle, paddle, paddle, and then the pop-up. So, right, you're on your belly, and you got to pop up from your belly to standing. Like this, dude, like you got to go fast. I don't know, for me that was, and the board's heavy. At least if you're learning on a banana board, like one of those big ones,

you're probably not going to start on like the one that fucking, what's his name was in here? Shane Dorian. Yeah, dude, you're not. Kelly Slater. You're not doing those boards. Right, you can't. No, you're going to learn on a big clunky banana board yeah it's probably heavy as fuck and then if that thing hits you

on the head because you're dead yeah yeah see i don't want to kill anybody that's the thing i was i was legit worried this year like when my uh at the at the end of the the thing when when i was doing like several uh five thousand point or five point days, I was doing, I did like three or four in a row, 500 point days, which is like three and a half hours of exercise. It was a lot of work. It's so much. So it was crazy. But I was like, there comes a point where your body starts failing.

Like, I don't want anybody to die, like legit die. Like this is a real issue. Like you can, you can have organ failure if you just decide to push too hard and we were getting really psycho about it yeah like if i was if i would see somebody posting like big numbers we'd get real anxiety even on your head you'd see like tom tom ran 13 miles when he was on the antibiotics and everybody freaked out. And Ari was like, what the fuck, Tom? Like angry at him because he posted like 600 points in one workout. What the fuck?

Well, I was concerned with Bert at the 11th hour pulling some crazy shit. Now, October 31st was Halloween. So Tom was like, oh, he's with his kids. He's trick-or-treating. He's not going to go do some crazy. What could he do, though? He was so far behind. How far behind was he the last day?

I don't know the numbers. He was pretty far behind Tom. Like, I think 700 points behind Tom. Oh. He was, like, more than 1,000 behind Ari. Oh. Way more than 1,000, which you can. I got in a day once. You can get 1,000, which you can, I got in a day once.

You can get 1,000 in a day, but you have to almost kill yourself. You got to knock on heaven's door. It's so horrible, you guys. It's the worst. And watching my spouse go through it, I'm like, oh, stop. Well, here's the thing. When we started doing it, no one thought we were going to do this. No one thought we were going to try to kill each other like this.

We were just joking around about it. And I thought, like my first couple workouts, like an hour, hour and a half, 200 points. But then Ari figured out that you could watch a movie and be on the elliptical machine. And he got 479 points one day and wrecked his body. He could barely walk the next day. But the fact that he did that, and I went, oh.

And then I realized, like, we talked about this. You get the same amount of points for 80% of your max heart rate as you do for 90. So I kept trying to go as hard as I can, thinking that you would get more points. But you don't get more points for that. There's no payoff for that. So you slow and steady kind of wins the race, right? Yeah. Which is not how I work out. So I was and steady kind of wins the race, right? Yeah.

Which is, that's not how I work out. So I was like, shit, what am I going to do? So time on the board. Okay. Like when you're actually surfing. Yeah, so it would be time standing on the board over a month. It's fucking hard, dude. Fucking hard.

It's so hard. That should be hard. And none of us know how to surf at all. Who's going to teach you? Are you going to do like a class? Like a Corky Carroll thing? Yeah, we'll go. And Bert was like, well, I'll get Kelly Slater to do it. Hey, Kelly's busy.

And you don't need a world champion teaching you, you fuck. You need like a regular surf instructor. What are you, like some prodigy that needs to be coached by the best? Get the fuck out of here. I know, like Kelly Slater is just dying to tutor. Kelly's my friend, you piece of shit. Right. First of all.

This really talented dude. I'm closer to Shane. I'm pretty close with Shane. Shane and I have been on a bunch of hunting trips together now. But I wouldn't go to him. He's busy. He's super busy. It's like if you said, I want to learn how to kickbox.

I'm like, I don't have the time to teach you how to fight. I'm not doing that, man. Go find a coach. That's what they do for a living. Yeah, there's a bunch of schools you can go to. Yeah. I actually wanted to rent a house by the beach next summer and just devote it to learning how to surf again. Really?

Really get good at it. I love the ocean. I love it. Damn, rent a house by the beach. You're super dedicated. I want just to wake really get good at it. I love the ocean. I love it. Damn, rent a house by the beach. Like you're super dedicated. I want just to wake up and go do it. Wow. That'd be rad, right?

That's a bucket list thing before I get too fucking old to do. Well, it is something that you can do no matter how old you are. Yeah. I mean, you can just ride waves. One of the things that Shane was talking about that was really kind of interesting,

he's like, everybody has the same amount of fun. If you suck at surfing or if you're really good at it it's still fun yeah i was like oh yeah you know what else you told me about kooks do you know what a kook is kook slams on instagram no there's like douchebags that wipe out kooks are people who don't know what they're doing yeah yeah yeah yeah there's an Instagram account called Kook Slams. Oh, it's all Kooks. And it's all surfing. But people suck at it?

Yeah. It's great. Guess what? Bert, Tom, and Ari are all going to be on Kook Slams with me next year. We're all going to be on that because we're going to fuck up. But the other thing is like finding a spot where you're allowed to surf, where you can get in there where you don't know what you're doing and you don't get in anybody's way. Right. I don't want to fuck up anybody's experience right because according to

all the surf movies and stuff they got turfs bro like you can't just roll up on the dudes that are in malibu i don't want anybody getting mad at me you gotta find because you know like i see them i go to watch them you know where that mastros is and in malibu they there's a there's a little thing where all the surfers go, and that's like one area. And then there's Redondo. You go down there, and there's that area. Yeah, we'd have to learn surf etiquette for sure. Yeah.

We'd have to learn that. But if they listen to the JRE, maybe they'll be cool. Maybe. Yeah, but maybe they'll be like, hey, dickhead, you're going to get more people out here surfing. Fuck this up for us. You know, people have said that to me about bow hunting. Really? Yeah.

They're like, you're getting more people out into the woods. You know, that's annoying. They were joking around about it. I go, are you serious? He goes, well, it's good because then we'll have more people hunting, but it's bad because I honestly see more people hunting. And I really think it's because of you and because of Cameron Haynes and Steve Rinella and John Dudley and all these hunters that are interesting, cool people, that more people are trying it.

I believe that. Yeah. I believe it. I think so, too. It's like when Taco Bell used a chihuahua for its ass. I swear to God. All these fucking douchebags were buying chihuahuas for their kids for Christmas, and then they'd throw them into the pounds or whatever because they couldn't take care of them. Do you know that happens every time there's a talking dog movie?

Yes, I do know that. And then that popular breed, everyone gets it and they don't like the breed. And the dumb parents are like, okay, okay, stop talking. Okay. Mommy, I'm a chihuahua. I'm a chihuahua. The chihuahua talks about chalupas. Meanwhile, a chihuahua, for the most part, from the ones I've known, the temperament,

they're very nervous, high-strung, high-energy dogs, very skittish, not the ideal fucking family pet. Well, if your bones were made out of toothpicks and you're around a bunch of fucking clumsy kids, kids are always stepping on chihuahuas and you were around a bunch of fucking clumsy kids, kids are always stepping on chihuahuas and breaking their legs. Yes, of course. It happens all the time. See a chihuahua at a cast.

Of course. A little fat kid eating his candy, not looking. Stomps on this poor dog's leg and snaps it like a twig. Yeah. Fuck. Imagine ogres around you, giant, huge, enormous ogres eating candy. Terrifying. Or Dalmatians.

Like every time 101 Dalmatians comes out, every fuckface buys their kid a Dalmatian for Christmas. And then aren't they stupid? Don't their brains grow bigger than the skull or something. Oh, yeah, they ooze out of the head, right? Yeah. You got to scoop it. It comes out the ear. You got to scoop the brains.

Otherwise, they got too much brains. They had headaches. You got to kill them. You got to scoop the brains out. Weren't they like fire people dogs? Yeah. Yeah. Why is it Dalmatian?

Why were they connected to fire trucks and shit? No fucking idea. Yeah. You think you'd have like a smart dog, like a German Shepherd, highly trainable? I don't know that Dalmatians are dumb. Are they dumb? I've heard they're dumb as shit. Oh, really? Well, I was, yeah.

German Shepherds are super smart. Yes. No, that's a highly trainable dog. They're also like, they're sizing you up. Like when a German Shepherd looks at you, he's like figuring out what's going on here. Yeah, dude. What are you all about? Are you a pussy?

Yes. How about if I show my teeth? What are you going to do? Yeah. What, are you scared of me? Oh, look at you. You smell like fear. Yes.

Oh, faggot. Yeah. Like a comedy audience, dude. If a German Shepherd could talk, they would say some creepy shit to you. Yeah. Like a comedy audience, dude. If a German shepherd could talk, they would say some creepy shit to you. They would. Yeah. They would be like, what would happen if I bit you?

What would you do? Yeah. Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? Dalmatians and horses are very compatible. Oh, so the dogs were easily trained to run in front of the engines to help clear a path and guide the horses and the firefighters to fires quickly. They're still chosen by many firefighters as pets in honor of their heroism in the past. Oh, so they're fucking heroic dogs. That's cool.

You asshole. Calling them stupid. I'm the worst. I'm the worst human being ever. I'm always the person like, oh, they're crippled. Okay, great. Yeah, they're fucking stupid. Fuck. That brain the worst human being ever. I'm always the person like, oh, they're crippled. Okay, great. Yeah, they're fucking stupid.

Fuck. That brain come out of their ears. Yeah. They're all dumb and shit. Worst person. They're deaf? Why are Dalmatians- They're a genetic predisposition for deafness. It's a serious problem for Dalmatians.

Only about 70% of them have normal hearing. Whoa. Deafness was not recognized by early breeders, so the breed was thought to be unintelligent. Wow. That's interesting. They're cute as shit, though. Crazy. Those little spots and shit.

Yeah. I feel like if you're going to have a dog like a German Shepherd, you've got to be around that fucking dog all the time. I was just going to say that. They need work. You've got to put in the time for those the time. I was just going to say that. They need work. You got to put in the time for those dogs. Yeah, they're working dogs. Because if you don't, my dad got one from the pound when I was a kid, and he didn't put in the time. And that dog tore everything apart and was just bored out of its mind.

You can't take a smart fucking dog and just throw it in the backyard. Yeah. That's when they get, they jump out and they, you know. Of course, you go crazy. Xscape, yes. Xs yeah escape let a motherfucking know can't hold me in with your bullshit ass fence that's right or the rottweiler too that's a good one that's a smart dog too they're mean dogs too they're good at being mean yeah or the rock wilder. Yeah, rock wilder. A rock wilder. Escape.

The rock wilders. Yeah, my rock wilder escaped. I remember one time when I adopted our first dog and there was a guy next to me and he was getting a rock wilder and I remember the lady behind the counter saying, well sir, you know that these dogs are highly intelligent and they require hours and hours of training.

You're going to do that, right? And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. It's like, you know he's not going to fucking. This guy's not going to. He's going to parade it around the neighborhood with a fucking dumb chain around its neck. And that's it. That's it for that dog.

Leave it in the yard. Yeah. Dog's going to go nuts. They go nuts. Dogs need fucking exercise. They need going to go nuts. They go nuts. Dogs need fucking exercise. They need stuff to do. Like my dog becomes a different person or a different thing, rather, when I take him running. A different person.

He gets so excited. When he runs, he's like he runs. He's got a big giant smile on his face. He runs around. He's like, yes. He runs the hills and he comes back. Everything cool? Okay, I'll see you in a minute.

He takes off again. But then when the end of the day comes, an hour and a half later, when we're done running, he's like, he's just chilled the fuck out. He could barely jump in the truck. He puts his paws up. He wants me to help him sometimes. If we do a mile, he jumps in easy. We we do two miles it gets a little sketchy two miles in the hills too long the hills make two miles a long way yeah it's a hard time get

back in that truck he's like come on dude pick me up you know you can pick me up i'll put my paws up here you know what's next oh and do you do you co-sleep with him no no, no, no, no. He's crate trained or what do you do? No, he just sleeps outside. He sleeps outside of the door of the house. I mean, not outside, outside. Outside the door of the bedroom. Oh, okay. But in the hallway or whatever.

He doesn't like beds. He's weird. I got him a bunch of dog beds. He just throws his toys in that and sleeps on the ground. Well, I actually had a dog trainer tell me that the dogs don't need the beds, that that's a human thing to us. He goes, yeah, but look at dogs. They'll lay on the floor. Right.

They don't give a fuck about the bed. That's you and your thing. Well, it's definitely true with my dog. Yeah. He just doesn't use them. I had beds in three different spots in the house, and he would never choose them. I'd be like, come on, buddy. Lie down.

And he'd be like, what are we doing? And I'm like, come on buddy, here's your bed, here's your bed. And he'd step on the bed and he's like, what is this stupid thing? And they would climb off the bed and lie down. Just lie down right on the wood floor. I was like, okay. It's like that documentary about that guy that got out of North Korea and the camp and then they gave him an apartment and they gave him a bed and he was like, no thanks. And he would just sleep on the floor.

Really? Yeah. There was some documentary i forget but he was in a camp in north korea and they finally they got him to seoul and they're like here's your iphone here's the subway here's your apartment with all this cool shit and he was like i'm good and he just would lay on the floor and sleep because he was so used to being in prison essentially which is interesting how the human mind right when you're yeah traumatized in that way of thinking you don't even see what you have the human mind is so adaptable right yes there's so many different ways to be a person so many

different ways to live i know um i was listening to a thing about trauma and, you know, Vietnam war events and how all that shit works when you've gone through a trauma. The rest of your life you're living in the past. That's what that is, right? You get locked in that one thing. Yeah, just locked in the horrific memories. Yeah. That's not just the case for people that have gone through war. It's also the case for people that have grown up in really bad neighborhoods.

Yeah. PTSD from the hood. For sure. PTSD from violence that they saw at home, domestic violence. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was listening to a podcast about microaggressions.

The Social Justice Warrior podcast? Well, initially I didn't know it was. Like I stumbled into one apparently. Because I just was interested. I'm like, what the fuck is, what is a micro, like what is this? You know, I'm going to learn about it. And she was like, I'm a therapist and I treat people with microaggressions. You know, there's like a million little paper cuts over time.

And I was like, okay, well, what's that? And she's like, you know, if you're like an Asian woman and people are like, they fetishize you. And they're like, they hit on you, let's say, because you're an Asian woman. That's a microaggression. So a lifetime of those little things. Wait a minute. You need, it's trauma and you need trauma counseling they hit on you because you're asian right like you know there's

dudes out there that are just strictly into asian girls or whatever let's say for instance and you're an asian woman and a guy comes on to you and it's traumatic because you're like oh it's fucking pervert is you know just wants to wash his feet and shit right let's say a woman okay right i'm in a meeting just me and a guy interrupts me and i want to talk that's a microaggression and i've suffered the trauma of that and i need to be in what if the guy interrupts a guy is that still a microaggression i think i didn is. I didn't get that far, man. I don't know. Yeah, it could be like a gay microaggression. Right?

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Hmm. But that's a form of trauma. Yeah, there's a bunch of them. You know, compliments, holding doors open for someone could be a microaggression. Because you're saying that the woman can't open the door by herself. Even just simple politeness

becomes chivalry is a microaggression. Right. And again, that's a form of trauma that needs counseling. Well, there's just a bunch of weak bitches out there that can't handle regular life. So they want everything all nerfed up.

They want all the language nerfed they want everything all nerfed up. They want all the language. Nerfed up. The language nerfed up. All behavior nerfed up. And then we're also encouraging people that just can't let things roll off their back, which is very dangerous. The more people don't get offended, the better off we are. You know who fucking handled something absolutely spectacularly? who fucking handled something absolutely spectacularly that navy seal who was a politician who um the guy from saturday night live pete uh the one dating ariana grande was pete davison

they broke up after i heard several tattoos i heard pete was talking about him on saturday night live and he said he looked like a villain in a porno film. And then he joked around. He goes, yeah, I guess you shouldn't joke around about it because he lost his eye in war or whatever. He's laughing the whole time. It's like, wow. There's one thing about joking around about the guy

looking like a villain in a porno film, but joking around saying he lost his eye in war, like whatever, I'm like, man, that is surprising that SNL let that go. And they did it because the guy's right wing, which is really fascinating. Like their bias towards the left and against the right is so, it's so obvious. It's so crazy. I mean, that they didn't think that it would be a problem to make fun of a war veteran who lost his eye in combat because the man in front of him was blown up by an IED.

It tore his face apart and ruined one of his eyes. And he handled it so well. He said that he he said something about he works hard not to offend and even harder to not be offended. That's cool. Yeah. But he also said that he really didn't think it was a good idea to make jokes about someone who, I'm paraphrasing, someone who was disfigured in combat. Right.

Which that seems to be a pretty fair line. Yeah. I don't think that's unreasonable. No, it's not unreasonable. And I think he handled it as good as you can handle it when you're on television, national television. They're laughing and joking about you having one eye. Yeah. And meanwhile, you lost your eye in the service of the country.

Right. It's an incredibly dangerous thing that only the people who have done it really truly understand. And here's this young kid with bleached hair laughing. Right. And you only having one eye. And he's doing it on a national comedy show. And people are laughing along with him because you're a Republican. Right.

And that's the interesting point is because he is a Republican, it's kind of okay. Yeah. To shit on that person. That's why it's okay. It's fucking weird. Wow. That's weird. Yeah.

Yeah. Well. Yeah. But the guy handled it well. And they probably actually probably won him the election. That's probably how that shit goes. People are going to find out about it. You make fun of the guy because you think it's funny and then you're giving him all this press. Then he handles it well.

And then people are like, oh, the guy's a Navy SEAL? Oh, well, I like what he says. Listen to him talk. Seems like a good guy. Next thing you know, he wins. I know. So valiant. I kind of wish McCain had a better... Better rap?

Yeah. Oh, he fucked up with that Sarah Palin shit. She was a ding dong. That was preposterous. Yeah, really. Hey, man, and I would love to see a woman in the White House. Just not that one. Just not, yeah.

Yeah, no. Not that one. She was a real ding dong. I'd take 10 Hillary Clintons before I'd take one. And I don't want Hillary Clinton to win. I think she's ridiculously awful, too. I think a lot of people really disliked Hillary. Really disliked her.

They should. Yeah. She got a shitload of money from banks. She's completely full of shit. She didn't like gay marriage until 2013. She didn't agree with gay marriage until 2013. She didn't agree with gay marriage until 2013. Like, what are you, a dinosaur?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you even care? Because she's not real. She didn't care. She just was doing what she thought would support her position politically. She was leaning right when Obama was leaning more left. And she was

trying to center herself as a, or position herself as a wiser choice for people who were unhappy with the choices on the right, but really unhappy with Obama. And then she was a better option. She's more sensible. She's a little more hawkish, a little more prone to go to war, a little more pro-military or at least military action. But meanwhile, just a puppet of banks and just those people make shit piles of money from speeches. And there's major problems with the Clinton Foundation. It's not even around anymore. They shut it down. Oh, I didn't know that.

I didn't even know that. It's a dark, dark, dark legion. Meanwhile, she's doing all this Me Too talk. Her husband's a goddamn predator. Yeah. He's been a predator forever. That, I think, for women, at least for me, I was like, are you going to stay with this bro?

Come on. Monica Lewinsky thing. She said that Monica Lewinsky was a grown woman and it wasn't an abuse of power. Get the fuck out of here. How old is Monica? She was 20. He was the president. Yeah, 20 is, you're a kid.

He was the president. There was no more powerful person on earth. If that's not an abuse of power, what is an abuse of power? You're banging someone who works for you and you run the world? I know, dude. I know, and I get it. If I were 20 and he was around, I'd be like, I don't know if I can do this. I'm going to suck that old guy's dick.

I'm going to suck this old guy's dick. I don't know. It's still operating. What's still operating? The Clinton Foundation? But didn't they shut down part of it? Look down Clinton Foundation shuts down or cease operations. Look that up.

Because there was some article that I read about it. I think for me, the whole stand by your man thing, no matter what, is just so antiquated. Oh, you're just going back to this Tommy Bunn stuff. Ready to turn him in for killing a barista. It came from a satirical site. Oh, it did? Yeah. Really?

So it didn't shut down at all? Nothing. I'm a loser. They got me. According to a loser. They got me. According to factcheck.org. Hmm. Google story, though. See if there's a Google Clinton Foundation. These baseless claims are made up by a self-described satirical website.

Oh. So they didn't reduce operations or anything? There's another thing that says from 2017 they shut down the clinton global initiative but but that was the thing it was right after the election which is 2016 that's what i read that after the election after it was all over i don't know either way i mean the the clinton foundation is super sketch one of the reasons it's super sketch is a lot of people that donate. There's just a lot of weird shit going on with donators and then them doing speeches for these huge organizations like banks getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for some boring ass speech, which is essentially a bribe.

Right, right, right. That's all that is. Those people aren't pumped to see her talk. But why do you think any of these people are legit? I mean, are any of them? Obama's done a lot of it, too. He's done a lot of those paid speeches where they get hundreds of thousands of dollars

to talk. But I guess, I mean, look, I don't want to fucking get into it, but isn't that why people love Trumpy? Because he's outside of the whole system, theoretically. That's probably the part that... Oh, here it goes. What does it say? End of an era. The Clinton Global Initiative shuts down. Oh, there you go.

End of an error. End of an error. Not an era. E-R-R-O-R. Get it? When they asked him, there was an interview where they asked him about Monica Lewinsky,

like, do you owe her an apology? He's like, well, anybody who thinks that I got out of that clean is crazy. You know, that cost me millions of dollars. I left the White House

in debt and all this. Like, that's not what anybody asked you, you fucking sociopath. They asked you, do you think she deserves an apology? Because he never spoke to her.

Of course. And meanwhile, she was, what, one of the first people to be publicly shamed for something of this nature. This is a huge scandal. And this is back before, you know, the 24-hour news cycle, really. Yeah, that shit stuck forever. It was in the news forever. This poor woman's life was over.

Done. To this day, done. Monica Lewinsky, synonymous with dick sucker. That's it. Isn't that fucked up? Claude, you said it, not me. Oh shit, here we go. Now I'm going to get in trouble. But I'm empathetic. I have sympathy for her though. This poor girl

makes one mistake as a 20 year old and now her whole life is this scandal. Do you remember there was a town hall thing that did on HBO many years later where she was talking to a group of people about the president and about the whole situation? And in the middle, like, you know, people would ask questions and talk to her. And one guy goes, you know, it just seems to me like you're just milking this for attention. Like, why are you even still talking about this? And she was like, uh. And he was like why are you even still talking about this okay but and she was like uh and he was like why are you still talking about this if this is so

horrific like why why do you keep bringing this up like what do you what does she want to do who imagine what is she supposed to do but imagine being that person who was 20 years old so essentially you're a kid and then the whole world knows you suck the president's dick. So everywhere you go, people are like, oh, you suck the president's dick. It's horrible. She said that it sticks like tar. That was her description, that the shame sticks to you like tar. I believe it.

And what about Marilyn Monroe? Was she sucking Kennedy? Everybody's dick. Everybody's dick. Both Kennedys. Right. Robert and Bobby, Bobby and Jack. But there was no evidence Everybody's dick. Both Kennedys. Right. Robert and Bobby. Bobby and Jack.

But there was no evidence, I guess. There was no dress. There was no... Why was that not a big deal? Well, the world was a different place back then. It didn't even have DNA. Oh, right, right. And then she, air quotes, died.

Right. They killed that bitch. You think so? 100%. 100%. Really? Apparently she was all yappity-yap-yap, and she was getting older, and nobody wanted to bang her anymore.

Like, we're not going to do the right thing here, right? They just decided to... Yeah, she wanted to tell everybody. First I fucked Jack. Oh, I bet. She was mentally ill. Then I fucked Bobby. Was she?

Yeah. Well, at least from what I've heard, read, maybe bipolar. She came from a lot of trauma, severely abused as a child. Oh, yeah. We got the orphanage, I think. Oh, really? Yeah. Making shit up?

No. No, she was a pretty bad childhood. Man. From what I know. Well, makes sense. Actress. Yeah. Comedian. exorbitant need for attention comedians at least write their own stuff

right yeah actors like comedians with no punch lines right but here's okay but crazier because they always have to get auditioned for stuff all Oh, and a nightmare. However, here's what I do admire about actors. I feel like they're more in touch with their feelings than we are. Like, that's accessing feeling. Like, I'm talking real actors and shit. Yeah. At least me. I don't like feeling-y things too much.

Feeling-y? You know what I'm saying? My asshole gets very itchy when... No, I'm talking about feelings. Yeah, my asshole, it gets very itchy when. No, I'm talking about feelings. Yeah. Like, I don't want to do that. Right.

So I admire that. When you can access feelings and show people feelings and stuff, I guess. Yeah, that makes sense. Right? Yeah, I guess. But I think they're fake feelings. I think this is the feelings they think they should have. So they just start crying.

I should be sad here. I'm going to cry. I can't believe this. I think they should have, so they just start crying. I should be sad here. I'm gonna cry. I can't believe this. I think they're sociopaths for the most part. I think the vast majority of actors. What do you think about the actors when they're making a movie and they have to stay in character the whole time? Oh, those are the biggest sociopaths. But the best actors, too.

You know? Those guys are the best. I saw the like the those guys are the best yeah I saw the documentary The Man on the Moon about Jim Carrey doing uh what's the guy's

fucking name you know Andy Kaufman yeah they say Andy Kaufman oh Andy Kaufman Kaufman Kaufman

and apparently you know he stayed in character the whole time and so he would annoy the shit out of people the whole time

and throw tantrums and stuff and i was like well that sounds fucking terrible yeah yeah just how about just act bro people have like other actors have broken that down and made fun of people who do that and like i love jim carrey i think he's so talented and so funny. But I would be really annoyed. That would be annoying if you had to work with him for six months and you just be a Kaufman every day. I'm the annoying asshole. And then do things like hold up production. And you know what I mean? Those are union people.

These are dudes that are up at like four in the morning putting sets up and lighting. And that guy's got to wait for you because you're in your trailer pretending to be somebody else. You know what I'm saying? He would hold up production. That, to me, is disrespectful. Is that what he really did? That's what this documentary was about. I was trying to remember.

I don't know if he officially said it in it, but I think he wanted that whole part, because they were filming it, to be part of the movie too. They decided to not do that and make the movie the movie. Oh, okay. So he wanted it included in there. But also I was going to say, Jerry Lawler was really mad at him because that was not the relationship.

According to him, that was not the relationship they had. It was all a ruse. It was like a wrestling type deal. Right, they had worked it all out. Yeah, but that's not how Jim Carrey was acting. He was just being a dickhead to him over and over and over again, pissing him off. Oh, that's unfortunate.

Well, even not specific to this one person. I just, that seems absurd to me, to pretend to be someone. But if you do it and it works and that makes an awesome movie, I don't, yeah. I mean, like, one of them Daniel Day-Lewis characters, he does that shit and he's the best. Yeah. His movies are all pretty good you know i mean yeah there's a few that i haven't seen but most of them that i've seen are pretty goddamn killer it's pretty rad he's crazy though i mean you gotta leave him alone let him do that stupid

thing where he pretends to be lincoln holy shit did you try to watch that one yeah i tried we talked about it yesterday i was like jesus this is terrible oh i couldn't do it everything that white people like and they give fucking awards to like these white bummer movies i can't do it i can't watch the movie about the guy with fucking aids i can't watch the movie about like yeah i can't what about musicals get the fuck out of here fuck your mother fuck your life with a musical can i tell you the one i don't want to see the most yes and i'm in a lot of hate over yes yes because i found out it was rap did you know that it's fucking rap what do you mean it's rap the music of hamilton it's rap music so it's not even tradition listen to jim wait a minute it's white people doing rap music yes Yes. I can't do this. No. I refuse to see that shit.

I was in Manhattan last weekend, and we were passing by Broadway, and all these old, dead white people were stumbling out of this theater, pretending they just enjoyed what nonsense they just saw. Pretty Woman the Musical, and all these fucking rubes are standing there. Oh, so good the way she sang about sucking his dick when she was a prostitute

he was a rich guy Hamilton the story of tonight it's just a song play now let's play you want to play me some of it give me some song is this white people

or black people probably both cultural appropriation that's what I think microaggression Is this white people or black people? Probably both. Cultural appropriation, that's what I think. Microaggression. Is this supposed to be good? Yeah. Okay, kill it. See, just that hurt me.

That's so terrible. I think they are a murderous assault in your attention span. See, just that hurt me. Me too. So terrible. I think they are a murderous assault on your attention span. That's what I think. That's a very good... I've been to two musicals. No, I've been to more. I've been to more because I went to The Book of Mormon, which is, I guess, technically a musical. But awesome.

You like this? The Book of Mormon. It's the South Park guys. It's genius. It's really, really, really funny. But that doesn't count because it's the South Park guys. Yeah, yeah. It's really good.

But I also went to see Chicago because a friend of mine was in it. It was death. It was death. It was death. We all got together in the fucking, like there was the intermission and we all got together in the um in the fucking like there was the you know the the intermission and we all got a drink during the intermission and i got three drinks during the intermission i was just throwing them down and i was like i can't believe i have to sit through more of this shit and i'm like and i can't believe you guys are sitting here pretending that you like

it i go fuck all of you and then they started laughing and breaking down because it was our friend i go she's great she's so so talented. I go, this is death. This is just a slow chip away. He had it coming. The fucking worst, dude. I get people like it. Don't get mad at me if you like something that I don't like. Don't get mad.

Don't get mad. You're allowed to like whatever you like and I'm allowed. Look, you're talking to a person who watches professional pool. I watch it on YouTube. I watch it live. I'll go to see a match live. I will, you know, I'm a fucking dummy. All right?

Don't listen to me. I like dumber shit. But if you have, like, a world championship pool match that's right next to a musical, yeah. No, dude. Musicals are terrible. No right next to a musical yeah no dude musicals are terrible no dude let's talk the worst musicals i don't know the worst i've only seen three i saw cats that's the one i was that's what i'm saying anything andrew lloyd weber school that's cats dude oh what did he how did he do that how did he sneak that unentertaining piece of shit through american people's faces for years for For years and years and years.

People were like, here, my cat. For years. For years. No, I know. I saw it in the 80s as a kid. I saw it when I was 19 years old. A girl that I was dating took me. Oh, shit.

Yes. She took me to see it. Like, we were going to pretend. We were both 19. We were going to pretend we were grownups. We went to see a musical. When it was halfway over, I couldn't believe that it was only halfway over.

I was like, you mean this is halfway done? This is the intermission? She's like, yeah, it's the intermission. I go, do you want to get the fuck out of here? She goes, yeah, I guess we can. I was like, do you like this? She goes, no. I was hoping it was going to get better. I go, how could it get better, though? How could it get better? What are they going to do? Is it all of a sudden going to be a movie?

Is it all of a sudden we're going to see aliens and fucking laser beams? Well, that's the thing. You've got to stay tuned, because then they go into the spaceship and they go to the grand cat in the sky. The grand wizard of the cats comes down. Do they? Yeah, man. But they don't talk, right? Yeah, no. The grand wizard comes down. He talks? Yeah.

I forget what the... You missed the good part. I think he talks. He's like what's the good part that's the what i think he talks he's like meow meow meow meow i don't even remember if they sing in words but i remember them crawling around i was like what in the fuck is this yeah the fossey oh god how painful that's the thing i can't access as an entertainer. That like dorky, theater-y. Yes. The feet like.

Yes, the theater-y thing. Right, right. It's so embarrassing. Something that Greg Proops would really be into. No disrespect, Greg. Oh, no. He's so smart. He's very smart.

God damn it. Okay, what other. Okay, there's more Andrew Lloyd Webber. There's like the roller skating one. I don't know any other one. I don't know any other one. I said Jesus Christ Superstar. That one's not terrible.

Is that Jesus Christ Superstar? Where you are? Up your butt. I don't know. They did it on TV last year, too, and John Legend won an Emmy for it. Wow. He's going to get an EGOT. Okay.

There's a thing that's gross. Go ahead. Awards for it. Wow. He's going to get an EGOT. Okay. There's a thing that's gross. Go ahead. Awards for art. I agree. Yeah, it's a trick. I agree. It's just a dirty trick to pump up whatever fucking thing it is.

I agree. Whatever movie, whatever television show. Yes. And I don't understand why people want to watch these things. I think it would be a nightmare to go to one.

Yeah. You know, I hope my husband wins one if he ever wants to for acting or whatever. I don't think he gives a fuck. Yeah, I don't think he gives a fuck either. But I would hate to have to sit through that horse shit for six, seven hours in a gown and like clapping for nonsense.

I've gone to the Emmys. I went to the Emmys right after Phil Hartman died because he was up for an Emmy. So we all went. And he didn't win. And when he didn't win, the guy from Frasier won. And when he didn't win, Dave Foley turns to me and goes, what the fuck does he have to do to win?

Right. He's right. This is his last shot. He's dead. Still didn't give it to him, those cunts. Well, because what group of cunts decides who wins the cunt awards? I don't know. They're looking for a gay guy.

Just like in the Outrage Olympics. That's like you got serious fucking score. You got like a built-in score. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah. If a guy plays a gay guy that's your built in score

like Milk. Yeah I like that movie. Was it good? I liked it. Could it win an Oscar? Did it win an Oscar? I don't fucking know. Should win an Oscar.

He's playing a gay guy. You know what it shouldn't? Because that's why yeah. You know when you never win an Oscar? What? Play a slow guy. Nobody's going to give you

an Oscar for that shit. No one's going to give you not now. You can't even do it anymore. Not today. They'll get mad that you didn What? Play a slow guy. No one's going to give you an Oscar for that shit. No one's going to give you, not now. You can't even do it anymore. Not today. They'll get mad that you didn't hire an actual slow guy. Right? Don't you think? A thousand percent.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, how big- That was the problem with Jeffrey Tambor when he was on that tranny show. Right. The problem was he wasn't an actual transgender person. Right, and they got mad at him. Mm-hmm.

Right. Yeah. Right. I Am Sam Awards? What the fuck is this? That's what they were making fun of in Simple Jack. Oh. Oh, I thought it was a type of awards.

No, no, no. That he won. I Am Sam Awards. He got a nominee for the best actor. I'm like, no, bro. Did he win? I am Sam Awards. He got a nominee for the best actor, and I'm like, no, bro. Did he win? I thought he did. I thought he did. No, it says nominee.

Yeah, I know, but I thought he did. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, maybe he could in 2002. 2002. In 2002, you could play someone. Dude, the fuck he won back then. Yeah, well, you were saying that they got mad at The Rock because he played an amputee

in a movie. He's not really an amputee. Stop. The skyscraper, yeah. Stop. Stop got mad at The Rock because he played an amputee in a movie. He's not really an amputee. Stop. The skyscraper. Yeah. Stop. Stop. It's The Rock.

They love being outraged. They do, yes. Love it. Yes, they do. Because they're giving a voice now, a platform on social media. And people pay attention to it. That's the biggest problem. Yeah.

That's actually the problem, paying attention to it. Corporations and what have you don't pay attention yes which is why podcasts are so great yeah because you could do whatever the fuck you want and you don't have a boss you don't everybody telling you to you could never have the try it out guy there he is no try it out guy would never fly try it out guy you could never if you had a radio show and you tried to play that, they'd pull you aside and go, Tom, Christina, this is not what we do here at WKRP in Cincinnati.

Baby, you never wonder. Yeah. I love that show. That was a good show. Tell me about your time on a sitcom, please. It was good because it was a job. It was money, and I a job. It was money.

And I'd never worked before. I'd never acted before. It was fascinating. Did you ever take a class or anything? I took a couple classes when I got a development deal. I had to take some acting classes. And I had a mean acting lady that was trying to be my mom if I ever got a mom. And she was telling me that I was going to have her cast as my mom.

I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fuck? Yeah. One thing she said to me once, she's trying to mind fuck me. It was really weird. She was like, I'm worried. I'm worried you're going to go out there and you're going to fail. I go, why are you worried about that?

What are you talking about? Yeah. She's like, because you don't seem invested in this material. I go, this sitcom that never went because it fucking sucks that we're reading? No, it's not that I'm not invested. It's just terrible. If you want me to pretend that it's good, you want me to act it up like it's good? I'm like, what kind of conversation are we having here? And she was like, well, you might get a script like this.

I go, well, let's hope I don't. Either way, I'm a fucking comedian, okay? I'm doing this for money. They, they, they offer me some money. I'm going to tell her that drives them crazy when they find out that you're a comedian and that you don't even give a shit about acting. I'm like, yeah, they're going to give me some acting gigs. I'll take it. And she's like, when she would, it was real weird, man. Like really weird. The acting world, the coaching world is so weird, but it's weird because the people that are acting coaches,

almost all of them are failed actors. They just didn't make it. Otherwise, if they made it, they wouldn't be teaching. They'd be out there doing it. They don't want to teach it for the most part. Some of them do. So I did a few, but it was gross. As soon as I didn't have to do it anymore, I stopped doing it.

The classes or the shows? Oh yeah, the classes are terrible. Then I did a terrible sitcom do it anymore. I stopped doing it. The classes or the shows? Oh, yeah. The classes are terrible. Yeah. Then I did a terrible sitcom for six episodes called Hardball on Fox. It was a baseball sitcom. That got canceled. And then I got a development deal, and then I got cast on NewsRadio. Next thing you know.

Man. It's so crazy. I'd gone on two auditions ever. One was for the Hardball show. One was for NewsRadio. Crazy. It was the only two auditions I had ever been on for sitcoms. Yeah.

Crazy. It was bizarre. Yeah. Was it at least, I mean, you were working with what, Andy Dick was on that show? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Candy Alexander, Stephen Root, Dave Foley, Maura Tierney. Oh, I love Dave Foley.

Phil Hartman. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it was awesome. The cast was amazing. Yeah. no it was awesome the cast was amazing yeah that that was like in terms of uh sitcoms it was like best case scenario for a sitcom yeah like in terms of like the the writing in terms of like the situation where you're i mean i was on there with phil fucking hartman you know i was like 26 years

old i'm 27 maybe and i'm working with phil hartman i'm like i can't believe I'm next to this guy like I'm seeing you on TV and movies and all sudden we're in the same room and we're doing a scene together this is so we and then become his friend it was so strange mm-hmm that is surreal it was so surreal for someone with zero intent on ever acting then all sudden I'm acting you know and what I'm like okay I guess I'm acting, you know, and I'm like, okay, I guess I'm acting. Like that was, that was part of it though, was one of the reasons why I was successful at auditions and stuff like that, because I've never planned on being an actor. Yeah.

You didn't care as so much. It wasn't my world. It wasn't everything to me. Yeah. It was like, well, this would be cool. So I'm going to make some money here. Yeah. You know, that was the whole thing.

It's like, I didn't want to worry about bills. Like, well, I can make more money doing that. How much can I make? And I would literally ask, like whenever something would come up, how much does this pay? How much can I get if I do this thing? That's all I was thinking of. How funny. Meanwhile, with standup, I'm sure you were doing what, you know, $300 weeks for how many

years just to, just to do it. Just to, well, I was, yeah, but you get worried about money coming in, right? Of course. Because if you don't get booked for a couple weeks, you don't have any money. It's like, shit, I didn't save any money. I had like $1,000 in the bank or something. Oh, my gosh. You know?

So if anything went wrong, I was fucked. So coming out here and doing sitcoms. But the thing about sitcoms is it's really hard in the beginning like the early days of news radio were hard long ass hours it was hard trying to figure out the direction of the show there was a lot of rewrites there was a lot of work it was a lot of a lot of long days on the set but then once it got going like like season three, four, five, boy, it was easy, real easy. Like you'd come in, you'd rehearse for a couple hours, go home. We were down to sometimes three days a week.

Yeah. Yeah, one day a week of table read, one day blocking, one day shooting. Bam. Yeah, we did that a few times. Fantastic. Yeah, three, four days. Four days was common. Very rarely would we do five whole days that's fucking great and then fear factor what was the work schedule like for that

one three days a week but constant we did you know one year 34 episodes i think maybe 36 that's a ton oh we just shit it out it's like while america was eating we were shitting shitting on that plate which which they should though because that show was so clean right you find contestants you set up the game it was very easy it was very easy to do initially but then the second version of it when it came back in 2011 or something like that, that version was a real problem because that version they were ramping it up. The stunts were way more difficult, way more dangerous. I was freaking out at a couple of them.

I was like, this is getting rough. Like bungee jumps off of fucking helicopters in the middle of a canyon. God, dude. You know, launching people on these bungee jumps. It was some crazy shit. I think the eating stuff always got to me. People eating the bugs, I was always like, how much money did you win on that show?

I can't remember. You could win, well, there was a couple of shows where people won a million dollars. Damn. But even when you win a million dollars, you don't really win a million dollars you win a million dollars before the government comes in steals everything right yeah plus is there something for winning it on a game show like do you have some more taken out because it's a winning or something i don't know it's a lot

like uh if someone won 50 000 which was a normal week, they would really take home $34,000. Damn. The government doesn't eat any animal dicks. Damn. They don't jump off any buildings. And they just steal $16,000 from you. I remember the animal dicks now. That was my favorite. We did that in Griffith Park.

Eating animal dicks in the park, dude? Served up some animal dicks. That was fucking crazy what a crazy show thinking back the liability on that fucking thing what's really crazy is it all happened post September 11 like right afterwards that's when it aired

and it was a preposterous show like from the jump and I always thought it was going to be cancelled and it was a giant hit it was a giant hit huge show like immediately it was going to be canceled and it was a giant hit. It was a giant hit. Huge show. And immediately it was a hit. I was like, this is so stupid.

This show is so stupid. And the reason why I got the gig was because I made fun of it. Everybody else was trying to be spooky. They were like, fear is fear, a factor for you. And I came into this meeting. I was for you. And I came into this meeting. I was high as fuck. I came into this meeting and they were telling me what they wanted to do.

One of the casting directors got Jeff from NBC, hooked up the meeting. He thought I would be a good fit for it because I was, you know, I'd just been on NBC for news radio. And I came into this meeting. I was like, what are you going to do? I'm like, you're going to stick dogs on people. I'm like, this is like a bit in an act this is like a bit of like where it goes terribly wrong you're gonna make people eat animal dicks you're gonna sick dogs on people you're gonna throw people off buildings i'm like this is this is like the running man right it's

idiocracy yeah it's yeah it was before idiocracy was even a movie i was like this is this is the most insane idea for a television show i've ever heard this is going to be canceled immediately and i'm going to have all this material about remember when i used to host fear factor meanwhile 160 fucking episodes later we did 148 episodes, and then we did another, I think we did six or seven, but only six aired because one of them was the one when they had a drink cum. No shit. Yeah. What are you talking about? A jug of cum.

Who made it? A donkey. They're like from Joe Rogan. Yeah, my own cum. It took me a year to fill up everyone's stein. Are you fucking kidding me? own cum. Took me a year to fill up everyone's stein. Are you fucking kidding me? Donkey cum. Yeah, they put a cattle prod up a donkey's asshole.

And they would cum like... They'd zap them. Zap them in the old testes and they'd just shoot buckets. Yeah, and they played horseshoes. So they played horseshoes and you could never win. Even if you made a ringer and you like made the you would have to drink one ounce but if you fucked up you were drinking like 10 11 12 ounces these are jugs jugs yeah so what happened was oh i remember yeah i remember this

what happened was um the uh tmz folks got a hold of the fucking they got a hold of the pictures of these people drinking cum early and then it became this giant fear that like people like what like what there's no way this is real like this is a joke right no it turns out they really did make them drink cum yeah look at you they chug down. Yeah, I encourage those girls. One of them had a drink piss, and the other one had a drink cum. This was a real TV show. It was insane. Look at these guys are drinking cum.

Look how much cum they're drinking. A jug of cum. It's like a Stein. Yeah, and he just choked it down. His brother is right next to him, his twin brother, helping him choke down cum. How much money? Not enough. $34,000? Whatever they win, helping him choke down cum. How much money? Not enough. 34 grand?

Whatever they win, it's not enough. Even if they won a billion dollars. Even if Warren Buffett sucks their dick. And then, like, immediately you get to throw up, and these poor girls are jumping in. Here's what's interesting. Girls chose the cum over the urine. Well, duh. I mean, yeah, we're cum drinkers.

You learn to do this shit when you're 15, man. She's been training her whole life for this moment. So hard. So hard to imagine that that was a real show. I know. Looking back now? Yeah. But at the time, everybody watched this.

It was normal. Well, this was the one that killed it. Yeah. That episode killed it. Damn. And now Ludacris took it over. Ludacris. Damn, homie.

But Ludacris is doing like a... Like, whoa, whoa. Is it Fear Factor? If you leave your house without your phone? Like... Right. Like, what do they do? They don't do anything.

Yeah, right. Is it still on? Are they doing season two now? There's definitely no Donkey Kong. I figured something would be uploaded recently. Maybe it was a hit. Maybe I don't know Lola

they came to me though before this I'm like bitch there's not enough money you don't have enough money to go you would never host it again really it's over it's over I did it yeah you did done that shit I'm so not interested well but i'm glad i did do it it was it was great for the time i mean that was a huge thing and

i mean it's good it was good because it was money that's what it was good for it was good because i didn't have to worry about money yeah and then when you have to worry about money like you don't worry about your choices comedically like i didn't't worry like, oh, if I say something, then they're going to cancel me or fire me from the show. And then I can't do it anymore. I didn't. That wasn't that wasn't my concern at all. My concern was like, OK, now I have enough money so I don't have to worry about not having money. And I already make money doing stand up.

So now I put some money away. So now you're free. Now I can do whatever. Yeah. You're free to create whatever the fuck you want. Just free to do stand-up and free to do it however I want with no worries about Tonight Show sets or any of that fucking nonsense. Yeah.

So wait, so when you were doing Fear Factor, was there a thing where you couldn't kind of do your stand-up the way you wanted to? Oh, yeah. Before that, yeah, and there was some concern with, they had talked to me once about drugs. They talked too much about drugs. Like one of the producers pulled me aside and was like, you know, you're doing these interviews,

you're talking about like these are illegal drugs. I go, yeah, you should do them. You should do DMT. It's good for you. Right, and a lot of people do. Yeah, there are also sacraments that have existed throughout history You should do them. You should do DMT. It's good for you. Right. And a lot of people do DMT. Yeah. There are also sacraments that have existed throughout history. Right.

That people have been using in religious ceremonies to become one with the creator. Right. Stop. You want to fire me? Go ahead and fire me. Go call Mario Lopez. He's ready. What a career that guy's had on that stuff, huh? There you go.

Yeah, he's great at it, though. How about Adam Carolla? He could have taken over Fear Factor. Yeah, actually. He would have had no problems. Yeah, he's great at it, though. How about Adam Carolla? He could have taken over Fear Factor. Yeah, actually. He would have had no problems. Yeah, he would have liked that. Yeah. But now look at your, to quote Adam Carolla, your pirate ship, right?

Adam Carolla calls it a pirate ship? Doesn't he call that podcasting? Is that what he calls it? His podcast, a pirate ship? He's a pirate ship. You're out in the middle of nowhere doing your thing. You've got your signal. Oh, yeah.

No one's regulating this shit. Oh, because it's like pirate's like pirate radio yeah well he was one of the first ones to do it i mean i remember doing his show thinking wow this guy's got a setup because he had this place and he had like a booth and there was guys working behind the booth and you know you had like real ad copy and a desk right i was like this this looks so professional. Yeah. Yeah. And he would do like ad reads, just like a radio show. Wow. But then that's how Tom and I would look at you and be like, fuck, did you see Joe's setup? This guy's got like cameras and he's got like a producer and we got to fucking do all that, man.

You guys have that now. Ergonomic chairs and shit. You got to get some ergonomic chairs. We have these, dude. You got those? Of course. The Kapiscos. Yeah.

What's that company, Fully, that sent it to us? I think it's called Fully. These are the best ergonomic chairs by far. I've tried every one of them. This Kapisco, these things are the shit. They're so good. They never hurt your back. When you sit in them, there's something about the way they designed it where your posture is just.

Posture's good. Good. Looks better when you're on camera because you're not hunched over. Yeah, you're not like slumped. Yeah. You can't slump in these things. Yeah. They figured it out.

They did, dude. Fucking nailed it, right, Jamie? Nailed it, bro. Nailed it. So, your Netflix special. Yes, sir. We should probably talk about that before we end this. Oh, yeah.

Because that's what we're here for. I forgot about that. You got your second Netflix special. Yeah, I did a half hour because I was building my first hour is Mother Inferior. It's on the service now. You can see that on Netflix. And I was building my second hour, and I was talking about Me Too all the time. And I found myself just obsessed with talking shit about all these motherfuckers who are getting, you know, whatever, pulled left and right for me too.

So I'm like, by the time my next hour comes out, it's all going to be irrelevant. I just want to put it out there now. So they offered me a half hour and I was five months pregnant or something like that. So you only have a couple months to throw something together. Right.

And that's it, man. I went to Vegas, pregnant as fuck. It was like 120 degrees, Joey Diaz. Wow. And me in the desert with these crazy fucks in Fremont. A lot of women are doing specials pregnant. Yeah, it was so stupid. Natasha, Ali Wong.

Yeah, I know. I throw out a joke to Ali in the beginning. Do you? Yeah, she's kind of the OG of all that shit. OG of pregnant stand-up. She is, dude. Well, really, she is the OG of pregnant stand-up. Because if you think about it, before that, nobody ever did a special where they were pregnant.

And now a bunch of chicks are doing it. Well, yeah. And I think what happened was we are all of the age where we're more established in our careers. And it's the time where it's last call for all of us older bitches to have babies. You know what I mean? Right, right. Now's the time. Yeah.

So, yeah, it's all kind of the timing of it. But it's also like there's something cool about filming it while you're actually pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. It's, uh, well, right. Cause the assumption is you should be laying at home eating bonbons and you know, my second pregnancy, I did Pilates up until about two weeks before I delivered and I was eating well and really doing it right the

second time because I fucked up my first pregnancy. I was eating Carl's Jr. twice a week, getting those extra onion rings, eating in the parking lot and shit. I gained like, oh my God, I gained like 60 pounds. 60? Yeah, it was bad. I was real fucked up after that one. How long does it take you to lose that weight? A year. It took me a year because I didn't know how to lose weight and I didn't know how to exercise until I found this woman I'm with now, my trainer. Oh, that's cool. So she helps me, yeah. Put me on the primal diet.

But anyway, yeah, so I talk a lot of shit about the Me Too. I wanted to just get it out there. And it's on Netflix now. I'm number six after Mr. Joey Diaz. Okay. Dang. Yeah, number six. That's cool, though, that you've got two out right now, too. Oh, it's so fun. Okay. Dang. Yeah, number six. That's cool, though, that you've got two out right now, too.

Oh, it's so fun. That's nice. It's so special. It's such a good time for stand-up. It's such a golden age, and I'm so excited to be where I am in my career, to ride this wave, to be at the comedy store now amongst legends, amongst you and Burr and, you know, my

husband and all these great people. It's fucking great. Well, it's very rare that a comedy couple has two people that are really good. Right. You guys are one of the very few. It's usually one that stands out and one that's like, what is she going to do when he divorces her? When we talk about that Tom's second wife, what's she going to be like? Yeah, what is she going to be like?

She's going to be a Dalmatian wife. She's going to be a Hooters bitches. She's going to be fucking 20 years old, not a lot of ideas, not very mouthy, not like me. No, keep it shut. Yeah. Just carry his water. Yeah, dude. She's fit.

Looks good. Give him back rubs. Yeah, tight. Take him to the gym. She's going to be a trainer. Of course she's going to be a trainer, dude. Hard body. Yeah. She's going to be a trainer. Of course she's going to be a trainer. Hard body, just cuter than me. Right, right, right.

But no bullshit, you are one of my favorite comedians. Oh, stop it. No. I don't say that because I look up to you. No, you really are. You're really good. You're so sweet. You're really good.

And it's very odd that two really good people are not just married but actually get along together and are both really funny and work together on a hilarious podcast. I mean, you guys have a very unusual relationship. I know. The thought was never date a comedian. Like that's what every comedian always said. Don't ever date a comedian. I know. It just doesn't ever work out.

I know. But with you guys, it works. Moshe and Natasha, that seems to work too. Yes. Yeah. I think, but I can't speak for them. I don't know. It's probably because Moshe's a little bitch and Natasha just runs things.

Right? If you had a guess. Just kidding. I love both of them. I ain't saying shit. I love both of them. I don't know them. I can't say.

I don't know, but they seem sweet. They're great. I'm just kidding. I'll tell you what though. Moshe's a smart motherfucker. They both are them. I don't know them. I can't say. I don't know. But they seem sweet. They're great. I'm just kidding. I'll tell you what, though. Moshe's a smart motherfucker. They both are brilliant. They're brilliant. I think my husband is one of the funniest human beings on the planet and was always supportive.

And we started at the same time. And there was something in being an open miker. We were in the trenches together from day one. something in being an open mic or we were in the trenches together from day one and we never did that shit where i opened for my husband because that's also a trap for women for female comics because then you're just your husband's opener you never establish your own thing that can happen yeah that's happened for people that we know but the people that we know when it happens for the opening act's always terrible the wife that always opens for the see that's the difference between well it's you guys, it works.

Like I said, Moshe and Natasha, those two are very funny. They're both really smart. That works. Yes. Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. And Bonnie, yes. Those two are really funny. That works.

Yes. And then who else? I don't know. That's it. I think that's it. That's it. Very rare, yeah. But I think he's very supportive of me, and this is not politically correct either, but I think that there's a hierarchy.

He's way more famous than me, and that's fine, and that's good. Do you know, it doesn't— That doesn't fuck with you at all? No. Do you ever think about killing him in his sleep? No. Just putting a pill over his mouth? No.

Funny fuck. No. I'm still your jokes. But I think that can be a problem if the other person has an issue with that. Sure. I'm Mr. Yearwood. Right. That horse shit, yeah.

That shit? That shit? That shit? Right. Yeah. Right. And I've seen other couples where one is more famous and the other one doesn't accept it. And that fucks with them for.

Yeah. I'm happy where I'm at. Put it that way. That's awesome. All I ever wanted was to sell enough tickets to tell jokes to people who knew who I was when I showed up. And I'm there. And that's all I've ever wanted.

It's just not to be doing like the dinner. Quite honestly, that is all anything ever. That's all it ever is. Yeah. It just gets bigger in terms of the numbers.. That's all it ever is. Yeah. It just gets bigger in terms of the numbers. But that's all it ever is. When you get to that, that's the best. Like, if you get to that at a comedy club or you get to that where you're doing a giant-ass arena, it kind of feels the same.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're at fucking arena, which is crazy to have watched you go through. I mean, I don't know. It's weird. You don't get diarrhea no no no no the last arena that i did was the biggest one the this uh it used to be the air canada center now it's called the scotia bank arena and in canada that fuck the ufc is there next month that place is giant and when i did that one it was bananas like i'm standing out there looking at all these people like this is fucking insane. But once the show started rolling, it was like a regular show.

Right. You don't look at all of that. It was just fun. It was just fun. But it was fun. And so is a club. Yes. If you go to the Funny Bone, you know, that's just, you know, go to Columbus Funny Bone.

Just as fun. Yeah. Punchline in Sacramento. I agree. Yes, I agree. And there's something fun. Yeah. Punchline in Sacramento. I agree. Yes, I agree. And there's something, I love clubs. I love small rooms.

I will say something too about my husband, which is amazing, is that it never gets to him. Like he never sweats himself. Right. Like he sold out the fucking Wiltern.

This is a year ago. And I got to open for him, which I sold him due. And I was like, Tommy, I grew up in LA. So selling out the Wiltern to me is like, you just- You're a band.

Yeah, dude. Like I grew up going to shows there. I'm like, Tommy, you sold out the fucking Wiltern. And he literally was like, yeah, it's cool. Anyways, what's for dinner? Like it doesn't even phase him. Yeah. No, he understands traps and he doesn't allow his brain to go on any mental traps.

Hell no. Whereas like Bert Kreiss should be making a video. I can't believe it. traps and he doesn't allow his brain to go on any mental traps hell no whereas like burke should be making a video i can't believe it we sold out the wilton this is amazing what's the trap there joe uh the ego just the you to the the most important thing is being in the state of mind that you could be in to do great comedy and that that is not a congratulatory state of mind that is the opposite no that's so interesting yeah because i i sold out cobs like a like a while right and i was like oh my god like i can't i can't believe these people are here to see me now like oh the pressure because i'm finally you you know, moving the tickets and this and that. And I was like, I don't don't even think like that.

Yeah. Get into your self-loathing because that's where you're funnier. Right. Mm hmm. You know what I mean? Like, don't think about. Yeah. Get into whatever state of mind that it takes for you to do your art best.

That's what you're doing. You want to go out there and rock that crowd. That's exactly. That's all it is. And whatever you need to do to do that, but you definitely don't need to be self-congratulatory. That's like, that's the worst instinct.

No, because I've done stand up for people who didn't give a shit for years and who would sit in the front row with their arms crossed and who the fuck is this bitch? Yeah. Fuck you bit. And like, that's why you do it.

Right. And also those moments are fucking critical. You know, like that's why I feel bad for people that are famous to try stand up as a famous person. Like Jesus, that's a hard thing to do. Oh yeah. Like I'd watch people do it that have like Charlie Murphy. He, that guy, I mean, I love that guy to death. But one of the things that I respected about him more than anything was that he literally was an open miker while he was famous.

I mean, he was just starting out doing stand-up while he was on the Chappelle Show. He'd been an actor all these years. So for him, he realized, hey, I'll host a show and bring up these comedians and I'll tell a story or two because this is a good way to make some money. And then he realized, wow, there's a lot of money on here for me. I need to just do some stand-up. He started writing stand-up. And he and I went on the road when he had been doing stand-up for two years. And we co-headlined together.

That's bananas. It was bananas. Two years is like nothing. And already famous as fuck. And famous for being one of the most famous comedians of all time's brother. Which is a huger deficit. Yeah. Yes. Giant. And he had a huger deficit. Yeah. Yes.

Giant. And he had a joke about it. And he's like, does it bother you that people know you from the Dave Chappelle show? They're always saying that. He goes, no, motherfucker. He goes, for years. He goes, does it bother you people yell out Charlie Murphy? Charlie Murphy.

He goes, no, motherfucker. Because for years, I was just Eddie Murphy's brother. Right. And he would joke around about it on stage. That's very self-aware. Charlie Murphy Charlie Murphy and he goes no motherfuckers for years I was just Eddie Murphy's brother right he would joke around about it on stage you know that's very self aware

he was great he was such a good dude yeah imagine the courage to start stand up at that point fuck that it's so much harder

and to go on the road like immediately I know he was on the road like immediately I know even like Brendan Scha shawb who i love so much the courage to start stand up and to grab it out and do it the right way you're like

dude that's so good but at least brendan came through podcasting which is a lot of shit talking yeah like ad-libbing and getting laughs you know you're getting laughs with comedians and he had a lot of comedians telling him that he was funny you know and then he tried it just dipped his toe in there and then just ran with it yeah it's amazing he's about to do a showtime special he's filming a showtime special in january okay brandon yeah okay mr sharp two years in bananas he kills he fucking kills people like how good is he i am telling you that motherfucker works hard he's funny he's naturally funny he's a great guy and he kills yes he really does yes he does it's ridiculous it is ridiculous i tell a lot of comedians i go see that's what happens when you got an athlete's mindset yes like an athlete's determination and discipline and you apply it to an art form like

he makes himself work i go you fuckers you just like get high and go to carney's and get fucking chili dogs right because i think that's the assumption as a stand-up comedian people are like you just lay around and jack your dick all day you don't do work you're like well those of us that actually want to produce hours that are worth a shit we treat this as a job dude you have to especially once you start pounding out stuff like tommy does when he's doing one then he does another one two years later does another one two years later burr does that i do it that way now i love you guys that's the way to do it the only way to do and you have to be writing all the fucking time you have to be performing all the fucking time there's no other way i know i loved watching you work out the the megan megan kelly that's her name sorry megan

megan that sounds weird megan you know sometimes you see like a word yes is that how that word is yes about can i just tell you what you know el torito my whole life i was going to el torito and then one day you're like oh fuck that's like the little bull dude that means the little bull el torito yeah that's stupid you know you're fucking dumb, Reina. But watching you work that stuff out is so exciting. I love your last special because you say so many risky things, which 10 years ago, not that risky in terms of the climate. And now, like, I was like, where's he going to do with this shit, dude? You just got to navigate the waters just more effectively and more carefully and then just set things up better.

And your writing has to be better, I think, for me, especially with the subjects that I cover. But I also felt like this was my most controversial special. Absolutely. Well, the title, Strange Times, great. Yeah. I felt like it was the most controversial because I felt like I needed to be, I needed to touch on the things that seemed to be dangerous to touch on. Yes. Ari said it best.

He's like, stand up is dangerous again. Yeah. This is a fun time for stand up because it's actually dangerous. I agree. This is why I wanted my Me Too shit to get out there first. I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm not here. I'm not to say the other female comics aren't talking about it.

I don't know because I literally go to, I do the early show at the store. I'm home in bed by fucking 930, dude, because I got babies. So I don't know what everyone else is doing. I get it. But I want to put, I want it out there. I have that impulsive need to like just fucking walk the line and let's see it. Let's stir some shit up. Beautiful.

Yeah. Stir some shit up. All right. Let's do it. Let's wrap this fucker up. Christina! Thank you for everything. Appreciate you. Thank you for having me. It's shit up. All right. Let's do it. Let's wrap this fucker up. Christina. Thank you for everything. Appreciate you.

Thank you for having me. It's always awesome having you on. Tell everybody your Instagram is Christina P. The Christina P. At Christina P on Twitter. The Degenerates. I'm after Joey Diaz. On Netflix.

It's on Netflix. And Mother Inferior. Right now. And Mother Inferior on Netflix. And I'm touring. The Ride or Die tour, bros. Ride or Die, bitch. Starts in January

Check it out That's it Show's over Thank you so much