The Joe Rogan Experience - #1205 - Jake "The Snake" Roberts & Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: November 20, 2018

Jake "The Snake" Roberts is an actor and semi-retired professional wrestler. Check out the documentary "The Resurrection of Jake The Snake" streaming now. Tony Hinchcliffe is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor. He hosts his own podcast called “Kill Tony” with Redban available on Spotify under "Deathsquad."

here we go three two one and we're live Tony Hinchcliffe hello Jake the fucking snake I can't believe it man what do you know Joe you never heard that before have you I've heard a couple times I've heard hey Joe I heard you shot your old lady down yeah as well there you go I gotta tell you man I watched your documentary last night, and it's fantastic. I appreciate it. It is. If that thing doesn't bring tears to your eye, you need to go to a doctor. Yeah, you're not human, man.

No doubt. Dallas is a fucking saint. He really is. Hard-headed. Without it, I'd never made it. Yeah. Because us junkies, we like to lie a lot, you know, and alcoholics do too. But it was a tough, tough road, man.

And he guided me through it. He's amazing. He never gave up. And I can never thank him enough for what he's done for me and giving me a lot of life back. Not only my life, but my family. I've got my kids back. They're all digging me now. I'm a great grandfather.

Probably the best grandfather ever. You know, I'm just saying because it's true. I mean, I'll fix anybody up, man. The detailing of your recovery, though, and him taking you in to, what does he call his house, that house, the accountability house? Accountability crib, yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's a special guy it really is you gotta understand i mean no man in his right mind would bring one much less two drunks into their home you know you got to expect tragedy you know there's going to be something come bad out of

this and uh he was able to hold us together man i mean there were a couple of brief moments that got kind of escalated and got kind of stupid but um he wouldn't give up man well i got to know dallas when he came on the podcast and one one thing that you get about him is this guy he he's not just about himself like he is really about helping people out he gets a buzz yeah off helping people yeah and which which to me is just so amazing. And I've picked that up off of him. I search people out now in a crowd that are having a hard time walking or you see something going on or they're overweight. And you're like, man, you know, I'm so-and-so. And it gets me in using the name Jake the Snake.

I can talk to him. Hey, you ever thought about trying some some ddp yoga man because it works yeah and if you've never done it ddp yoga is without a doubt the number one thing out there for getting healthy man and um it makes your body healthy makes your mind healthy you know and uh for him to be out there he's just a soldier soldier. Yeah, he really is. He pushes all day long, man. Here's a guy that could be handling it a totally different way, but he still

picks up a phone and calls somebody and thanks them for buying the program. Who the hell does that? Right, who does that? He does it because he wants to know. The next thing you know, he's been on a 25-minute phone call, and they're sending him photos of the before picture, and then he wants them to look at him in the after picture six months from now. The stories, he's got a million of them, success stories.

We played a video when he was in of a gentleman who was— The paratrooper? Yeah, a guy who could barely walk. I mean, he had done a bunch of paratroop missions, you know, parachuting out of planes and landing on his knees. His knees are destroyed. Legs are destroyed. Back's destroyed. Everything's fucked up.

He starts out, barely can stand, barely can walk. Two canes. Yeah. Two canes. By the end of the video, this guy's running. Yeah, man. He's running. He's doing full yoga poses.

Yeah. And it's these incremental steps, steps incremental steps but he kept getting better kept getting better kept getting better and that is it's so symbolic of like your journey in life if you just decide to give up and decide to just fuck the world i'm just gonna just eat and drink myself into oblivion you have been there you can talk about this say they're a long time man but then you turn it around. But that's, I fucking love that. I love stories like that.

But it's a one in a million shot, man, unless you have a Diamond Dallas Page in your corner. Right. Because it wasn't only about Dallas helping me. It was the whole crew. Right. See, Dallas, you know, he came up with the idea, him and Steve, you as a business manager, whatever. And they said, look, you know, we're going to bring you back through this. We want to film the whole thing. I'm like, I don't know about that because I got burnt bad in a film here a while back.

They just cut me a new one, man. They lied to me. Anyway, it happens. We're going to film this whole thing. And at the end of it, if we put it together and you don't like it, it'll never go out. Really? You're going to film this whole thing, and at the end of it, if we put it together and you don't like it, it'll never go out. Really. You're going to give me that right. You're going to invest this money and this time.

Because I stayed there for three and a half years. Because it took me that long to get clean. That's amazing. You know, I couldn't go in for six months. I've done that. I couldn't go in for four months. I've done that. Hell, the time I went in for four months, man, I go across the stage and get my diploma, so to speak, from finishing this course, being in rehab for four months.

I go out the other side and pick up a pay phone and call my dealer. He meets me outside the damn door, man, with a big rock, you know, and a stem. Thank you. I made it. But that's the insanity of the disease. The disease will let you sit in a place for three or four months and. Thank you. I made it. But that's the insanity of the disease. The disease will let you sit in a place for three or four months and not touch you. Won't even come knocking on your door

because it knows right now you're locked in. You're going to do this. But it's over there doing push-ups in the corner, man, waiting on your ass. As soon as you get away from these idiots over here, they're teaching you bad habits, Jake. I'm going to get you where you need to be and that was the thing of being there for that long period of time what was the feeling

like when you did slip up because you slipped up a couple of times four or five times i did yeah it was horrible i wanted to die because not only did i feel like i let myself down, but I let him down. And that really sucked. Because here's a guy that's opened up his wallet and said, you come live with me. Don't worry about your damn bills. I'll take care of them. Excuse me?

Oh, I'm damn sure in now. Hang on. You don't have to talk twice to me about this, Scrabble. Yeah, I'm moving in with you, brother. If you're going to pay all my bills, man, will I get healthy? But I never even thought it was going to take three years wow but see he would take you know like if he had to go do a con or go do some music you know go to go to a movie or something he had people that worked for ddp yoga specifically garrett and a young kid named uh dylan who i i really got the kid messed up, you know,

because he had to share a room with me. I don't wear clothes, okay? And I guess it looked kind of freaky. Here's this old wrestler that I've idolized for years, and I'm seeing his junk, all gray hair and everything. His junk is horrible. You're seeing the snake and the bag. I accidentally bent over picking something up right there by his bed.

I had no idea my asshole was in his mouth. But yeah, Dylan, he lived through some horrible things, and Garrett did too. But Dallas always made sure I was taken care of. You know, whatever he had to do, the first thing he had to do was take care of Jake. And he put me first. I didn't expect that. Who would? had to do was take care of jake and he put me first i didn't expect that well the solidarity and the the camaraderie that you guys all have and razor ramon as well when you guys were all

in that house together like the experiences that you guys shared working together and then still in life you know you guys have a bond that's very very it's it's very hard for most people they can't get it yeah you know it's like it's like guys that are you know in the service together man there's something that becomes they become brothers in one man you know and with dallas you know the thing about him was he's never went down that addiction that addiction road you know he used to run nightclubs but he never became an alcoholic he's a freak freak. Okay. Piss on him. Screw him.

He got a better card than I did. Okay. I get that. But I like my cards now, man. My cards now are awesome. My life is so good to go from hell. That's where I was at, man. You have no idea what it's like to wake up and be angry that you woke up because you didn't want to you want you

wanted to be over and there's been so many years that were like that for me that i wouldn't go out shopping unless it was 3 a.m because i didn't want anybody to see me because i'd gotten to the point that i hated myself so much that i'm begging god to die when i would hear another wrestler who died i'd get angry at God and curse him for not taking me instead. When Piper died, we were just talking about Roddy before the show started. Man, I was so pissed off that he got to go before I did.

And that's just wrong, man. I mean, even when I tried to OD a couple of times, really tried, I took 100 volume. Jesus Christ. 110 milligram volume. Woke up, and all I took 100 Valium. Jesus Christ. 110 milligram Valium. Woke up, and all I've done is puke on myself.

And I said, what a fucking loser you are. You can't even die right. You're a piece of shit. What kind of mind says that? It's a mind that's given up, man. The torture that people put themselves through

being an addict. People get, they have the wrong idea about this shit, man. They think, yeah, they're getting fucked up, man. They're happy. No, we're not. No, we're not happy.

We're not enjoying getting high. I quit enjoying getting high 30 years ago. But the problem was I couldn't live without it. I mean, I would feel like my heart was going to burst. I couldn't breathe. I was scared to burst. I couldn't breathe. I was scared to go anywhere. It was horrible. Was it everything or anything?

What was pulling you? What drug or what alcohol? Yeah, was it booze? Was it pills? For me, it was more. More of everything. I'm lucky I didn't get into heroin. I probably wouldn't have beat that one.

But yeah, I would because this is what I'm meant to be doing right now. But to go through 25, 30 years of doing cocaine. That's amazing. I thank Vince McMahon for affording me my addiction. Because without it, I'd be in prison somewhere. Because I would have killed somebody for my drug. No, without a doubt, I would have knifed him, whatever, man. That guy's got an eight ball, what's this?

Done. Life meant nothing to me, man. And he gets to a point where you put yourself in such a dark hole, there is no light. None at all. And it takes somebody that's special. You couldn't have sent me to rehab right then. Wouldn't have worked. I'd have been out in minutes.

Even when Dallas offered me to pay the whole trip and you'll move in with me, I'm going to feed you the best damn food on the planet. We're going to get you healthy. We're going to get the bullshit out of your system. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to feed you the best damn food on the planet. We're going to get you healthy. We're going to get the bullshit out of your system. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to last about a week. Because I knew me, and I'm like, dude, if I make it a week, I'm going to be doing good. Because at the time, I couldn't do 24 hours without doing cocaine.

Wow. If you wanted me to get up out of bed, bring me some cocaine. Wow. That's where I was at. wanted me to get up out of bed, bring me some cocaine. Wow. That's where I was at. Because life was too ugly to want to go out there.

When did it start? Did it start when your pro wrestling career started or was it going on before then? No. The cocaine and alcohol, alcohol was always there. I mean, I started drinking when I was 11 or 12. there. I mean, I started drinking when I was 11 or 12. Whoa. My grandfather was an alcoholic, drug addict slash drug addict, because it started with an oil field accident. He got his legs crushed, and he refused to have his legs cut off, so he stayed in the hospital for 18 months. Well, back in the 1920s, the way that they fixed you was let it heal, then re-break it. That's what they did. They didn't put bars and metal in there to straighten it out.

They'd let it heal, then they'd re-break it a different way. And they kept him on morphine for a year and a half. Well, at the end of a year and a half, they patted him on the back and said, see ya. He had a little itch going out there didn't he yeah could you walk after that he could walk so it worked but it took to a point but you're hooked up on morphine which back then it wasn't like today you can get on any corner right he went to alcohol i remember in the 60s, which is 40 years later, they not trusting him to come to the doctor's office. Well, they didn't trust him to take the pill. The pill being, oh my God, what's it called? Keep you from drinking.

Antabuse. You know, if you take an antabuse pill, you're not going to drink a lot. Except he did. I mean, I've drank on Antabuse when it's been like two days since I'd had the pill. And I'd have a drink. Brother, you have no idea how scary that shit is. Because immediately you start throwing up. And you start pissing and shitting your pants.

It happens that quick. And then you have to start with the sweats and all this and you'll wind up on the floor doing the heebie-jeebies man that's how strong and abuse is well they didn't even trust him to take the pill they said no no you take a taxi to the doctor's office and we'll give you a shot because we know you're not going to take that pill so he'd do that every morning Then he'd go outside and get in the same taxi. And because we lived in a dry county, he would take that same taxi over to the next county

and get a fifth of whiskey. Drink it before he got home. Now the rest of his day spent shitting and puking. Wow. But yet tomorrow he's going to do the same thing oh my god that's the hell you know i was doing the doing you're doing the coke and stuff man i'm hating myself the whole time i do it i'm not getting high anymore and i can't put it down i can't turn away from it because there's hope in that. What's the hope for?

No more pain. So just that it numbs you. No more shame. That's what it numbs me from is the shame. You know, shame is something you put on yourself. You know, you can't shame me, man. I have to do it myself. But, man, it was there, man.

And because I went through some ugly shit as a kid, being sexually molested, my sister being molested too, and then my sister kidnapped and murdered, and we got all these things thrown in there, and I was hating myself because I didn't protect my sister better. You know, life happens.

What do you do with it? That's one of the things that Dallas preaches, you know, life happens. What do you do with it? That's one of the things that Dallas preaches, you know. It's about, you got all this stuff out there, man. It's going to come at you. It's what you do with it that counts. You know, you don't deflect it. No, you bring it to you. You chew it up, you spit it out, you sit through the bullshit, and you go on.

That's something I couldn't do. Because things got personal with me. And I would lock down. I'd shut up. Because that's how I handle things. I just didn't talk about it. When you've been sexually molested, there is no good moment, man.

And that screwed my head up. And it still messes with my head. I desperately, desperately good moment man and that screwed my head up and it still messes with my head i desperately desperately want to have a relationship with a woman you know a true relationship finally it's 63 because i did have relationships before but i was constantly sabotaging them because I didn't trust women. Because the last one, she raped me and beat me and threatened me and told her my dad killed me because my dad was 7 foot and weighed 425 pounds. So he could get the job done. But I just wanted my dad to be proud of me. So all these things are factoring in.

I'm keeping quiet while the wife beats me and has me do her and then beats me afterwards. Dude, sex ain't sex if you're doing it like that. That's called rape. And that shit screws your head up for life. Now, what do you do with it? Well, as a kid, I hid that shit, man. I stuffed it away. I didn't talk about that.

Are you kidding me? I remember the first time talking about it to a high school buddy of mine. He says, you're so fucking lucky, man. Your stepmother's so fucking hot. She was hot. She's 22 years old. Because my father's a child molester, for Christ's sake. Of course she was hot. But it wasn't hot to me because that's my mom.

No. And then the beatings afterwards afterwards that fucking confuses you you got all this going man so you start looking for a way out and for me as a kid my grandfather would get drunk and forget where he hit his liquor because he had to hide it from her grandmother because she knew what he was she dealt had dealt with it for 50 years. So every time she found a bottle on the farm, she'd break it and that's it. So he'd hide it in the chicken house, different places. Well, me and my buddies from across the street would go out and find it.

We'd drink it at 12 years old, 11 years old. Then we got smart and started selling it to the other neighborhood kids to make a buck. That was my beginning with drinking, man. And, you know, as time goes on, man, you start smoking weed and the pills. What else is next? Because I'm still not forgetting. I'm still remembering this shit.

And you go out and you try to have a good time with people, and then you realize something's different than you. Because drugs that put you to sleep wake me up. You know? Downers wake me up. Like how so? I get wired. Really?

You give me five Percocet, brother, I'll drink a case of beer and dance all night for you. Really? Go out and have three or four wrestling matches. Let's go to the— If I take— Let's play it. When I mess my neck up in 89, when I'll give you the guitar,

when I wanted to go to the gym, my regimen was to wake up, go downstairs, start the coffee maker, take 10 milligram percocet, throw them in myimen was to wake up, go downstairs, start the coffee maker, take 10 milligram Percocet, throw them in my mouth, chew them up, and wash them down with coffee, then hit the gym. Jesus. I loved it. Because I was on fire, man. Plus, the Percocet made me a little gnarly. Made me want to punch shit.

Really? So you get a good workout in there, couldn't you? From Percocets? Yeah. That's how screwed up my wiring is. Wow. That is so... Made me want to punch shit. Really? So you get a good workout in there, couldn't you? From Percocets? Yeah. That's how screwed up my wiring is. That is so. You talk to any drug and they'll tell you their wiring is fucked.

Yeah. Things that make you go to sleep wake me up. Things that wake you up put me to sleep. So the pain of pro wrestling, which is probably one of the most brutal professions that a person can embark in. And think about all the days that you were on the road, all the many, many matches. All that physical pain probably justified the drugs even more. I didn't even care. You didn't care.

About the pain? I felt no pain when I wrestled. None. Afterwards, no? I was wrestling a guy in Louisiana, Ernie the Cat Lad. You remember him? Played for the AFL, San Diego Chargers. He's in the Hall of Fame football and wrestling. He was 6'9", 350, badass son of a bitch, man.

Back then, they had chop blocks, and he had like 15 knee surgeries, and that was into his career. But we were wrestling, and my bone came out of my arm. Compound fracture. And he goes, kid, your arm. I'm like, yeah, I see it.

It's gone. And he's like, what? Get away from me. And I'm trying to get to him, and he starts puking on me. I'm like, motherfucker, you're puking on me. Your arm, man, your arm is fucking bone, dude. I'm like, hey, don't hurt.

Come on, let's finish the match. Fuck you, I'm getting out of the ring. Man, he can puke up a bunch of shit, man. Oh, man, six foot nine. You finish off your opponent by having him yeah yeah it was nasty smelling shit too man but i was fine i got back in the locker room no i was sitting there and i was i was saying this is a strange thing i blow on the bone oh it feels cold when i blow on that bone you know wow whoa 15 minutes later I'm in the shower Holy fuck

Holy fuck Then you felt it The adrenaline's gone Right You've been in the ring And you know what that's like The adrenaline's going Nothing hurts

It feels good in fact Yeah but I would've thought That you would look at the bone And go ooh I gotta handle this No Now did you wrestle fucked up? No You wrestled straight?

No I was straight pretty much You know I might have been Going through withdrawals at the time you wrestle fucked up no you wrestled straight no i've straight pretty much you know i've been going through uh withdrawals at the time but uh no i didn't drink or any of that shit before before match and i didn't like it but i did it that way because it's my duty and uh my thing is another wrestler to take care of my opponent. I noticed that after, if I have like a fun set or something like that, doing stand-up comedy, that I like to have, like if I tried something new and it went extra good,

I like to have an extra drink or two that night. Would it be like that for you in wrestling? Would you get more messed up if it was like Madison Square Garden? No, not really. No, I just did it until I went to sleep. Right. Because sleep was such a premium back then. Back in my day, we were wrestling seven days a week.

Seven days a week. Well, except for Saturday and Sunday. Then we wrestled twice on Saturday, twice on Sunday. Jesus. Like you might do the L.A. Coliseum at 2 o'clock and then get in a rental car and drive to San Diego so you can do a 7 o'clock. Wow.

The next day you might be in Omaha at 2 o'clock and you'd be in Des Moines at 7 o'clock. You're driving all this in between. You fly, you drive. Well, with me it made it even worse because I got to drag that fucking snake everywhere. 80-pound box of shit. Right. Be like trying to carry this around with a bad back over there.

Hey, folks out there, pray for him, man. He's over there hooping and moving back there. He's making fun of young Jamie as a minor in frat. It's very difficult to talk about injuries when you're around Jake the Snake. I don't want to bring it up. Tony threw me under the bus. He told me before when I first got here, he's like, I pulled my back the other day, but I don't want to mention it in front of Jake the Snake. I didn't want to bring it up. Tony threw me under the bus. He told me before when I first got here, he's like,

I pulled my back the other day, but I don't want to mention it in front of Jake the Snake because it's embarrassing. It should be embarrassing. It should be. You know what he did? He tore his man,

he tore his mangina. Oh, my. You know, he sneezed and tore his mangina. It was a horrible sneeze. Jamie's a good man. I will not stand here while you disparage him so.

It's obvious though, isn't it? Now, the snake, was the snake a problem when you would get on planes and shit? Fuck yeah, it was a problem 24-7. Would you keep it secret or would they let you on the plane with it? I never said anything to anybody. You just brought it? No, I just put it in a trunk. Then I put a blanket around the bag and then locked the trunk.

Did you carry it on or would you check it? No wow that poor fucking snake yeah no shit that snake's like why is it so cold in here well because you're 40 000 feet off the ground you dumb fucker goddamn noise yeah well the snake man the thing is you laugh about it it's like wait a minute i gotta trade the snake out after 10 days? Yeah, they can't take it. I'm like, really? So a fucking snake can't live through the fucking scheduling. But yet I'm asked to do 90 fucking days straight.

So you had different snakes? Yeah, yeah, about every 10 days, which used to really be funny because people would say, did you bring Damien? I'm like, if you notice that Damien some weeks is five foot shorter than the other Damien, it's not shrinkage honey yeah so your seven days a week would go on for the whole year yeah yeah god damn they just worked you yeah we I wrestled steamboat 93 days straight and about 90 60 in, I had to call my wife and get her to come take me around because I'd gotten dumbed out to the point that I couldn't think. So I'd get to the airport. I know that they want tickets, but I have no idea where they're at, and I can't read anymore.

I'd look at stuff to read, but it just wouldn't work. So I just had a big fucking wad of— Is it from exhaustion? Exhaustion. Wow. Exhaustion. You just get so beat up, man. Your body's hurting so bad.

People say steroids. Man, we were taking steroids just to try to get healthy. Yeah. To heal. Right. That's what the shit was invented for. For recovery. Yeah.

They invented it in World War II. I believe is what the story was, for the prisoners of war. Because they didn't want the American soldiers to come home looking like they did. So they put them on slow fucking boats and fed them for three months. And guys put on 30, 40 pounds. They say there would have been another war if they'd have brought those troops home, coming from concentration camps for the Germans or the Japanese and we'd have seen them the way they were

and of course now that you can see some of those old films of the way the Jews looked for them they were being slaughtered and everything and just bag of bones was it that they didn't want to bring those troops home so they invented steroids and started popping everybody with that shit.

Wow. And bring them back. But we did it really just to try to heal. Was it hard to get them? Yeah, right. Did they help you get them? No. You had to get them on your own.

They can't say they helped me, but I will tell you this. Okay, you said enough already. What they would do is we would get booked in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Now, when somebody told me this story first, I'm like, this is an old wives' tale. Because shit like that don't really happen. You get to downtown Hers down in town Hershey you go the locker room and all of a sudden somebody said they need to see you in locker room three what the fuck did I do then I'd go in there and there's this doctor there

and he's got suitcases over here boxes here suitcases here boxes there what do you need kid excuse me what do you need up down what wow what do you get oh halcyon those are good i'll take how many can i get as many as i want 300. got it right here wow steroids yeah absolutely what do you got i'll take that i'll take that and i'll take that you know it was a grocery shopping and uh I'll take that, and I'll take that, and I'll take that. It was grocery shopping. And it used to be funny because the guys would all, Hey, Jake, you going to carry my shit for me?

Who would be going to Canada? I'm like, Sure. It's going to cost you a percentage of your shit. Give me 10% of what you got. I'll carry it across the border for you. Jesus Christ. So you just rolled the dice. I got eight or ten guys.

I'm getting all their shit. Where am I hiding it? In the snake bag for crying out loud. Wow, of course. You put that in the bottom of the snake bag. No one's fucking with that bag. And you get over there and they go, we need to check the bag. Go right ahead, brother, but I'm going to tell you right now. I'm moving back. What are you moving back for? Because that motherfucker's pissed.

He hasn't eaten in three weeks. And he's a little alarming. Whoa. If he does bite you, well, when he does bite you, because he's going to bite you, try to hold still. Hold still? Yeah, because if you jerk, it's going to rip your flesh. Oh, geez. Which is true. Right. They tell you if a snake bites you, whatever you do, don't jerk away. Excuse me, sir,

your Rottweiler's chewing on my asshole. Would you please kindly remove him? No, you jerk and you fight to get away. You use different kinds of snakes too, though, right? Yeah, I use pythons and cobras. When you use the cobra, did they defang them? Yeah, damn it. They had them.

They de-venomized them. They didn't defang them. So they had the fangs? They don't have fangs. Oh. Cobras don't have fangs. Oh. Cobras? Cobras don't have fangs. They have teeth.

Oh, really? Yeah. It really sucks. So they bite you no matter what. They just didn't have any venom. It's like chewing a, you know, have you ever fished and caught a catfish or something? You feel the spiny mouth? Right.

That's what their bite felt like. But it doesn't matter what it feel like. It's what it looks like like and there's a cobra there and the viewers don't know that at all especially when you're a little boy watching it i mean the saturday morning that you sicked it on macho man randy savage affected an entire generation nut i've ever got i oh there's no doubt mean, it affected me so deeply as a kid. To this day, if I'm ever laying around

with a girl and I'm having a little problem in the wood ski department, you know, it happens at 63. Ah, you put that on. You know, and I put the video on

and instantly I'm kicking her ass, man. Really? Oh, brother. That hits you hard. Damn straight, man. Why? Holy shit.

Watch it right there. I mean, that was, this was literally the ultimate bad guy putting a snake on a good guy i mean look at the look on that kid's face in the corner that's the best part looks like somebody just shoved a finger up his ass or something that kid is ready to have a goddamn heart attack i bet you have a heart rate monitor on him he's like 180 beats per minute. I had a conversation with one of my good friends, Pete. You know, Pete, when he saw this. You have a good friend.

That's the first great question I want to ask. But check out. This is the kind of quality friend I have. When he saw this. He is. When he saw this as a kid, all on the same day that I saw it, he ran away from home. It freaked him out so badly. When you put this snake on kid, all on the same day that I saw it, he ran away from home. It freaked him out so badly.

When you put this snake on Macho Man's arm, he packed it. He didn't even have anywhere to go. He ended up coming home later that night after it got cold. Poor kid. He packed a bag and just left. How old was he? Oh, geez. I mean, I got to probably, probably, probably, I would guess, you know, 11, 12, something like that. 300 kids were raped that day because Jake, right? Okay. Oh, geez. I mean, I got it. Probably, probably, probably, I would guess, you know, 11, 12, something like that.

300 kids were raped that day because Jake, right? Okay. Oh, no. Let me tell you the real story on this whole fucking thing. Yeah, I'd love that. Yeah. You want to hear this joke? Yes.

All right. Here's how it really went down. Woo. All right. I've been waiting 30 years for this. I'm done with the python because that motherfucker, to tell you the truth, is killing me. You know, weighed 100 pounds and then he would bite me and then it would be 30, 40 stitches. That was 30-something stitches

there on that snake. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. You got the vein. What was really weird is the snake actually committed suicide that night. Look at that shit. It's cool, isn't it? And Macho Man just handles it. Look at that thing. He got a better bite.

He's a tough motherfucker. I reached down there and went, Mach, you're doing a great job, kid. He's like, fuck you. Look at that thing sinking its fucking teeth into him. And then at the end, a little stream of blood comes through, and that was the final. There we go.

Oh, my God. See, I'm trying to get him loose. I couldn't get him loose. Oh, my God. I struggled to get him off. Oh, the blood. Finally, I had to pry his mouth open to get him loose. I couldn't get him loose. Oh, my God. I struggled to get him off. Oh, the blood. Finally, I had to pry his mouth open to get him off.

And by the way, this is on a Saturday morning. So it's this. You flip the channel. It's little old school cartoons that weren't even entertaining. You know what I mean? And then there's this chaos on another channel. And it's so obviously real. Oh, yeah. It's so obviously real.

See, Piper's terrified of snakes. Well, if he wasn't before. Piper pulled a gun on me one time over a snake, man. Really? Yeah, yeah. What happened? I snuck up behind him with a snake, and he fucking heard me. He says, Jake.

I went, yeah. He goes, I know what you're fucking doing. He dove and got his fucking pistol and pulled it around. Motherfucker, I'll kill you. I'm like, okay, Roddy, I get it. I get it. I get it. The guy was shaking, man.

Here's the story. Here's the story. I'm in the locker room behaving myself. Not minding a soul. In fact, I believe I was cleaning the washcloth blackboards off and I was making it nice for everybody.

Macho walks in. He's like, all right, brother. We're going to do it tonight, I guess. It's the story fucking going around. We're going to get down and do it. Yeah, dude, sounds great. He's like, we got to think your little business first. I'm like, what?

About the snake. Yeah. Has he been fixed or not? Fixed? You mean poisonous? He goes, yeah, that might be the fucking problem. I'm like, Randy, of course he's been fixed. He goes, maybe he has and maybe he hasn't.

Stranger things have happened in the WWE. Stranger things have happened in the WWE. Somebody wants the Macho Man's Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship title. It's just you and him. He's got a poisonous snake on him. The fucking rest is history. Macho's dead. Snake's the champ. I'm like, dude, are you fucking?

Cheek, I'm just telling you this. He has to bite you. Now. Wow. I'm just telling you this. He has to bite you now. Wow. I'm like, what? He goes, if not, we got to go at it right now, me and you. And he's up in my fucking face with his fist. I'm like, fuck, man, what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't play no fucking games, Jake.

Get the fucking snake out. So I got the snake out man I'm like you fucking psychotic motherfucker I'm like any special place you wanted to bite me like my dick he's like anywhere's good how about the leg I'm like fine

so I got the cobra out and I pulled my pant leg up shimmied him a little bit and stuck my leg up there and he fucking bit me you know three four seconds let's go up shimmy him a little bit and stuck my leg up there and he fucking bit me you know three four seconds let's go much is like no don't take no elixir don't take no antidote you know just look you sit there I want to see the poison go through your body finally after a great macho man fucking kidding me man and finally after about 10 minutes he's like i guess you're gonna be okay well i'm sorry i

didn't make you happy you know i could have died if i'd known you want me to die i'd die you know he's like okay but tonight brother do me a fever once the snake lets go of me me a fever. Once the snake lets go of me, bring him back. I may want you to hook him back up again, because I want this idea to fucking make us both some fucking big money. Yeah, can you dig it? Dig it. All right, we're out of here.

Wow. I've said it like this. Motherfucker, you wait. I was pissed, man. Because it's one thing to get bit in the heat of a moment. Right. But to sit there and fucking cold, have to hike your fucking pant legs up and let a fucking snake chew on you to make a motherfucker happy. Come on, give me a break, bro.

Right. We're asking a lot. If all those people were there, it probably would feel less. Yeah, it wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't have felt anything. Right. But to sit there in the locker room cold. Really?

No bloods pumping. I remember during the match. We did the match. Boom, boom, cold. Really? No bloods pumping. I remember during the match, we did the match, and boom, boom, boom, comes time. Tie him in the ropes, get the snake out. Okay, let's make sure he's a little unhappy. So I turn my back to Macho Man. He doesn't see me. And I fucking paintbrushed the hell out of this fucking snake.

I pounded that motherfucker. When I hit him that second time his fucking mouth flew open brother and he's looking for anything to fucking bite just ah you know and i just went whoa and took him to macho man and boom he latched on and he's chewing he's chewing macho doing a great job he's like fuck you well randy you look so believable oh god damn you know i'm fucking nuts. What did they do to the snake?

Remove the poison glands? They removed the venom sacs, yeah. So there's no venom in its body at all? No, damn it. They replaced it with fucking stuff they use for bullying plants, man. Saline? Silicone. Oh. Yeah, saline tonic.

Better do. So they just cut them out? It's just like an operation or something like an operation they cut them out and fill them with silicone man so they can't regrow them oh wow wow so they can't otherwise they would regrow them yeah what a creepy fucking animal huh frightening especially as a kid and that did shoot you guys up a big level. It did. Oh, yeah. I couldn't imagine. What year is this? What are we talking about? Oh, 91. Wow. Yeah, it fucking rocked the world, bro. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, for a little kid to watch a real snake, an actual cobra. I couldn't get laid for months, man. Really? Yeah. Look at the fucking snakes in your room. You're not fucking lying to me. Oh, come on, baby. Wow.

Please, baby. Oh, fuck. And you really did have the snake in your room. Yeah, of course he was. Wow. Please, baby. Motherfucker. And you really did have the snake in your room. Of course he was in the room. In the bathtub. Usually in the bathtub playing in the water.

Oh, wow. Which now, you know when it's like four o'clock in the morning for a fucking drunk junkie to walk in the bathroom. Now, I'm paranoid

as a motherfucker anyway because I'm fucking running on shit. And now I got to look down on a 15-foot snake that's fucking got his mouth open looking at my fucking little dick. Are you serious?

I'm not pissing. What do you mean I got to take a shit? Nah, not anymore. So I go in the other room. I piss in a fucking bottle. Oops, I missed. What the fuck?

Just piss in the floor. Wow. Yeah. Don't walk in my room barefooted. Squish, squish. What did you feed it? I didn't. You didn't?

He's only out there for 10 days. So how often do they eat? Once every six weeks or so. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. So really, the action and the flying and everything, they'd only live for 10 days? Yeah, they had to get them off the road and let them heal because a snake's lungs go the

entire length of their body. And they're very tiny. So they get pneumonia really easy. Of course, being in minus 40 doesn't help either. But they do get pneumonia real easy. Would you have to get a new snake? Was that your responsibility? We had a guy in Stamford, Connecticut.

He was Charles Manson revisited. This guy was a freak. Stamford, Connecticut's was a freak. Brother. Stanford, Connecticut's a weird place. Okay. He had a farm in town, Connecticut. What? And they did not know that he had over a thousand snakes in that farm, in that building.

And about 150 of them were poisonous. Oh, Jesus. Because he was collecting venom for different pharmaceutical companies. But I remember one time having to get a snake from him, and he flew it to Omaha. And, you know, he'd been working with me for a couple of years. He said, Albert, man, I'm going to take care of you tonight, brother. He goes, what is it, Jake? I'm like, I'm going to take you to the strip joint.

He's like, it's not necessary. I'm like, I know it's not necessary, man, but hey, brother, let me take you out until we get there, man. He's just kind of like sitting there and his head down towards the table

looking at his beard and he hadn't drank much of it. I'm like, I'll get this motherfucker going, you know? So I said,

dude, you pick her out. If she'll take a price, I'll pay for it. In other words, I'm going to buy him some pussy. He goes,

no, Jake, I'm just going to dig my snakes, man. Whoa. Excuse me? I just want to go back to the room and play with my snakes, man. That's kind of all I like to do. Okay, I'm going to change rooms. I'm going to do a different floor.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. He was a real freakazoid, man. Just in the snakes. Is he still alive? Yeah, he is. He was in Florida when that bad hurricane hit down there, and he was working at a gator farm and poisonous snake venom collection point.

And they had like 800 snakes down there, right? So the hurricane hits and just fucking levels the place. Well, I'm calling for days trying to get a hold of him, see if he's all right. And I finally get a hold of him, see if he's all right. And I finally get a hold of him. I'm like, dude, why are you so fucking happy? He goes, I'm having the best time of my life, man. This is fucking like,

God's made this especially for me. I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, I get to find all those snakes. I'm like, you get to find them. Let me think. You're going to dig through all that shit. Sorry. All that shit and lift up stuff and stick your hand down in holes

and shit to find these poisonous snakes yeah it's cool isn't it i'm like fuck you alfred you're fucked up man what is it with florida and snakes hi that is from connecticut man whatever i know but he went to florida it's like it draws him there like a magnet. He was in Connecticut, man, and they asked him to go do a thing for the boys club. You know, introduce him to snakes and blah, blah, blah. It would be great, you know, for the 8 to 12-year-olds. So he gets in there and he's talking to them about this Mexican rattler. Now, the first thing you know about snakes is this. They can be poisonous.

And a poisonous snake's children, what happens there? They're not healthy. They will hurt you. They can kill you. Yes, that's right. So that's why you should always keep your... Oh, my God. Hold on.

Okay, look. He's accidentally bit me. You know, I've been bitten now, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Somebody call 911. I'm just going to explain to you what I'm feeling right now. So if you ever get bitten, you'll know what you're going to expect to feel after you've been bitten. Was he fucking with these kids? No, no.

He's fucking biting. He's been bitten, man. Yeah, he's fucked. And he knows that he's fucked. Because here's the thing about Mexican rattlesnakes. Not many of those in Connecticut. So you don't have any anti-venom, do you? Oh, Jesus.

No, they got to fly it in from fucking Atlanta or wherever. So by the time they get that shit up, they're like, man, he's fucked up. And they wound up having to cut all the meat off one of his bones on his finger. So he got like this gnarly. So he had necropsy, right? Yeah. Yeah. I've seen a video or a website, rather, detailing this kid who got bit in the arm.

And then they had to get him somewhere to safety. But it took hours. They had a med vacuum and a helicopter. His whole arm rotted away down to the bone. So they had to take meat from his legs. Skin it off. Yeah. And put, you know, they had to do skin grafts all over.

I think he went through like 16 operations. Jesus. It was awful. They had to stitch them all together, like pull the meat of his arm together and stitch it all together. I mean, it was a giant 10 to 12 inch patch of his arm was gone. Yeah, it fucks you up. Plus, the really cool looking thing that it does is uh causes all the small capillaries in your eyes to burst oh jesus so your eyes are like blood red except they're bumpy uh you know like he would

close his eyes and i'd run my finger over his eyelid and he'd just feel all these little bumps and crevices and god damn that's weird how long did it take for him to recover he's in the hospital for a couple weeks man he was in a he had to put him in a coma for like six days oh jesus christ that's so cool that's so cool is he does he have a tolerance to regular venom because i know a lot of those guys building a tolerance to different ones yeah they make themselves get bit yeah cobra i think he's pretty much clean on that this guy sounds like he's gonna end up being a super villain of some kind just he could be man because i swear to god he is charles manson wow he looks like charles manson he looks weird like and when he smiles it's like dude that is not healthy you know he's you know oh fuck man wow he's a true well imagine what this guy would

be like without snakes thank god snakes exist well you know the uh steamboat you know come up with the komodo dragon thing you know to combat the snake back in the day. So, of course, that's who Albert was, the guy with the Komodo dragons. So he had some pot that he was growing up in the mountains, and he took one of the dragons with him to get it out in the sunlight. So they put it in this fucking station wagon and they go up in the mountains and they had to walk to their place where they got the stuff growing so they close the car door up

and leave the window down about that much and take off. Come back, windows busted. Oh, Jesus. There's these horrible teeth marks on all of it where this fucking Komodo dragon has been chewing his way out of this shit. He was in a wooden cage.

He chewed his way out of the wooden cage. But he got out, man, took off. And I guess it was about two months later, man, I was like in Indianapolis and waking up and listening to the news. And ESPN's on. They're like, what was thought to be a prehistoric monster was found running across the backyard of Miss Gibbett's house. Chasing her poor little poodle. When we get back, see our monster. Wow. They come back, and I'm sitting there going, what the fuck?

Thought to be prehistoric? I've got to see this shit. And the fucking thing comes back up. That's fucking Albert's fucking thing, man. It's the thing that escaped two months later yeah it gained like 35 pounds oh jesus probably everybody's dogs and cats in the neighborhood man probably a couple of kids too who knows such a ruthless animal you know those things are so ruthless that the little baby komodo dragons smear shit on themselves so that the

grown-ups don't eat them so that their parents don't eat them they roll around in shit so that the grown-ups don't eat them, so that their parents don't eat them. They roll around in shit so that their parents don't eat them. Because when Komodo dragons are eating intestines, they shake the shit out of intestines. They don't like to eat shit. As weird as that is. See, that's just bad attitude. I thought I had a problem with cocaine. Can you imagine that? They eat their fucking kids so the kids know this so they they somehow or another like no to smear themselves and shit i'd learn

pretty quick yeah you see your sister get chewed up yeah right you see them avoid shit but eat your sister you're like that shit is salvation wow some good shit it had gained 30 pounds that's fucking crazy yeah let it lose in florida they won't even notice fuck no no everything else they got down yeah yeah that uh florida everglades is so covered with pythons man so so bad that they're eating alligators they did this study they found that they they couldn't find any raccoons they couldn't find any swamp rabbits or marsh hares i guess guess they called them. The pythons. Everything got killed by pythons.

So then the pythons moved on to alligators. Yeah. Alligators. They don't fuck around, man. I've got a picture of an anaconda swallowing an 800-pound horse. What? It's got the head and the front legs already chewed up inside his mouth. Where's this picture? You know. I need it.

I'll get to you. I need that picture. It's fucking gross as shit, man. See if you can find that. Jamie will find it. The horse's body is like this big with his back. He probably can't pull it up. Oh. Jamie, he's coming at you hard. I bet in all your years

you never thought Jake the Snake would be roasting you live on the internet. Believe that. About a perceived back injury. And nailing a pull it up reference. Yeah, he got you, bro. I'm not just a short face and a pretty dick. Short dick and a pretty face, that's it. Did you ever loathe the day that you came up with the gimmick of having snakes?

Oh, God, yeah. I would imagine. Life from day one. It was such a pain in the ass to see everybody else just traveling solo. Here's the thing. I come up with this idea like in 1975. Wow. Because I was listening to Monday Night Football, and they were talking about Kenny Staper.

Remember him? Played for the Raiders. I remember the name. Left-hand quarterback, man. Sling it, and boy, he could sling it, man. And he also liked to party, man,

so I dug him, man. You know what I'm saying? He's like, this motherfucker's cool, brother. I mean, on Super Bowl Eve, he took all the linemen with him

out to the bars. They didn't show up until 4.30 in the morning. Super Bowl Eve. Now, yeah, here's the thing. Did the coach keep them from playing? I don't think so.

But he did tell them, you better fucking win. Yeah. That's all that was his name told him. You better fucking win. Because if you don't, tomorrow's your last fucking day. Oh, yeah. And Staber took them out there and they won the game. Was he in the Snakes?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, but I loved the Kenny Staber, the snake thing. Oh, here it is. A hippo, actually. A hippo. That's a fucking hippo.

It ate a hippo. Jesus Christ. Oh, well. It's got to be a baby hippo. I don't know. It doesn't look like it's too fucking small. Yeah, but hippos are huge.

Baby hippos are probably big as your dick. A lot of look like it's too fucking small. Yeah, but hippos are huge. Baby hippos are probably big as your dick. By the way, here we go. Whoa. Which is pretty amazing because they can't gurgitate. Somebody had to pull that shit out. That's insane. I was riding down the road listening to Monday Night Football.

Fuck, that'd be too much, man, if a fucking wrestler, you know, smoking some weed. I carry a snake around and fuck with the other wrestlers. I'm drinking and more and more and more. And the next day I woke up and I'm like, that fucking idea I had last night about carrying a fucking snake. What the fuck was I thinking? I'm terrified of snakes because I'm terrified of snakes. But how do you connect that to the football player? Because he was Kenny the Snake Stabler.

Oh. They call him the Snake. Oh. He was just badass, man. I wanted to be the Snake, too, so. And you were already Jake Roberts? No, I wasn't even Jake Roberts then. And then I looked for a name with Snake.

Blake the Snake. No, no, no. Blake? Yeah, you know. Blake the Snake. Blake? Jake is a bad ass name. Boo! Fuck that guy. Jake is a bad ass name. That was a Jimmy moment.

Blake is like a guy with a golf shirt on. Or Flaky. Flaky Snakey. He's got a 40 foot putt. Here's Blake the Snake. Blake has a bad back. Oh no.

Not even Blake would have a bad back. He's got a bigger mangina than that. Oh, no. But, you know, I was like, what the fuck was I thinking? Because I'm terrified of snakes. I'll never do that fucking gimmick. Fuck that.

But I did go and said, okay, I've got to think of a name. Jake, the snake that works. Jay. Jay. Wait, wait. Why am I thinking that? And at the time, The TV program was Dallas Who's the bad guy

J.R. Ah J.R. Jake The snake Wow And I came up with Robertson How'd you get a snake

Well After years of Throwing it up there Occasionally And getting are you fucking serious wrestling is not a fucking circus the fuck it ain't right excuse me bill watch fat fuck you know thieving bastard but this is before vince this is before you're in the wwf yeah yeah so what organization was this with this This was Mid-South. And they just fucking, you know,

under no certain terms will you ever, you know. Wait a minute. You don't want me to carry a snake, but the guy I'm wrestling has got a fucking hockey mask on. And every night he fucking headbutts me with it and you have me carve my fucking forehead open so he can bleed everywhere. But it's not a circus. I get that.

Totally. You betcha. You know, so so blow out the window then i went to fucking new york and that's when vince hit me with the uh you're gonna be wearing a purple or lime green spandex which i said ain't no fucking faggot i'm not wearing that what year is this uh 85 86 people forget how long long Vince has been in the game. Oh, hell yeah. He bought that guy out.

The guy is Bill Watts, mid-sell. He just went to every territory and just said, I'll give you this amount of money. I'm just taking your everything. For the goodness of my heart, I'm giving this to you because I'm taking all your television. Yeah. Crazy. All the people, it was all split up into territories,

so everybody had their own business. And three or four states might be another one territory. You know what's really crazy about Vince is how fucking jacked he is. What is he, like 75? How old is he? 64, 65? No, no, no. He's older than that.

Oh, really? He was on the cover of Men's Fitness with chains around his neck. Yeah, real recently. Yeah. Jacked. There's something about growth hormone that just continues to work. I think there's a lot more going on than just growth hormone.

Oh, I'm sure there is. Stacked with this, stacked with that. Corn cobia. Look at this. This is him. 73. I mean, what in the fuck is that? How is that a 73-year-old man living the traps? That's the billionaire tunk.

That is insane. The fuck? How jacked his back is. 73 years old. He's built like Brock Lesnar. That is insane. He's the man. Imagine seeing this when you were a kid.

This is what grandpa looks like. Yeah. You'd be like, what the fuck is going on with grandpa? No wonder grandma fucked daddy. Yeah. That is insane. 73 years old. There is nobody on this planet that works as hard as he does but there's no other way it's possible i mean the guy is he's he's everywhere and that one the one video where he runs to the ring and

is on his way and dives into it and slams his thigh into the side of the ring, blows his fucking quad off the bone, and then still plays it out and does it sitting down. The guy must have been in unbelievable agony. He can't even stand up, and he's just sitting there, sitting on his butt, and everybody has to improvise, but this guy's sitting on his ass because he blew his quads off of his bone. Watch this shit. Look at this. I mean, this is fucking crazy. I did his quads off of his bone. Watch this shit. Look at this.

I mean, this is fucking crazy. I did the same thing and tore his knee. Look at this. He dives in. Bam! Slams it. Look at it. His leg gives out.

Yeah, he's done. At that point, your adrenaline, all you're thinking is get the fuck up. That's all you're thinking. But it's crazy that he's just sitting there. Yeah. He's angry. The funniest part of this is this is the final moment of the Royal Rumble. This is a huge, long buildup

and it's controversial because they both went over the top and landed. So there's this tie. So all the refs are trying to figure out what's going on. So it makes it even funnier that Vince is just sitting there.

With his legs stretched out. Yeah. Look how big Bautista was then. Jesus Christ. He's so much bigger than he is now in Guardians of the Galaxy. You forget how big he was. I think he might have been on Best Big Man's protein Christ. He's so much bigger than he is now in Guardians of the Galaxy. You forget how big he was. I think he might have been on Best Big Man's protein diet.

There's no way. That's all natural, bro. That's vegan. That's it. Vegan. That's beans and stuff. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Jack had the beans. Stock. It's incredible. I mean, just the fact that that guy was able to do that. I got to bring this up because we were watching this in the green room right before we got in. David Arquette is wrestling? Yeah. Did you know this?

Yeah, David Arquette's- Covered in blood? Yeah. Got a light bulb smashed in his head? Cuts all over his face? Which beats a fucking two by four. By the way, a light bulb is much easier than a two by four. What is the worst shit you ever got hit with?

A guitar. A guitar? Oh, that's honky tonk, right? Yeah, it was a real guitar. That's really surprising to me because it always appeared like the Honky Tonk's guitar was just an exploding. They all were after that. What is this? WCW World Heavyweight Champion, David Arquette.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He was their champion for a while. What? Yeah, yeah. What? Yeah, that's what that movie did. What?

It was a highly controversial moment. Heavyweight champion? How much does he weigh? 140. That doesn't make any sense. 140 hard. He is definitely built way bigger. He's way thicker than he's ever been before.

Because when they showed him on TMZ, he was running around. He looked jacked. He's got diva size now. He's like a diva. He's got diva He's got diva size now Divas He's like a diva Ah Yeah he's got a vagina See if you can find the video The TMZ video Cause it's kinda Fucking hilarious

It is really It just goes to show you What happens though man You know It's a lust That you get for it You know wrestling I mean

I hated wrestling Growing up Hated it Cause your dad did it Yeah cause my dad did it And he was never home So I blamed wrestling for him never being home. Bottom line was, he didn't give a fuck about kids, except those he could rape. Look at that.

He got hit in the head. Oh, Jesus Christ. That guy stabbed him in the fucking head with a fluorescent light bulb that he just shattered. By the way, you can get that dust in your eyes, the glass dust. But look how big he is. Yeah, he's huge. Our kid was never that big before. He's looking more like an Eddie Guerrero right there, you know?

Kind of hilarious. Look how jacked he is. The cool thing about David doing this is that he just got sober a few years ago, and he's doing this to keep life exciting for him. You know what I mean? Is that why he's doing it, or it just doesn't have any movie roles coming in now he's he's okay he's how do you know he's okay what are you his agent well i i he went no but he's a wrestling agent you suck he's fucking jack dude i mean i'm very impressed with his physique our cat got into

executive producing a bunch of stuff like he's one of the executive producers of, like, Cougar Town. Oh, that was with his ex-wife. Yeah. All these massive shows. Oh, man, he runs back in and gets stomped. I like that.

But you see where he just fucking pushes back for the guys. He goes, no, I'm going to lay down here. I'm not going to fucking get hit again. Oh, and then he just

hit him with a chair that had broken glass on it. This is some high-level production for 50 people in the room. Yeah, exactly. It's all family, though. The blood and everything. Jesus Christ.

Hunks of glass in the ring is brilliant. Yeah, that is crazy. Now, that's... Then he leaves the fucking ring like it was wrong. He's pissed. You can tell he's pissed.

It didn't go the way he wanted it to. Yeah. Do you think he's pissed? Yeah, he was pissed. Do you think they planned that out? Somebody fucked him somewhere in there. He got fucked. You's pissed? Yeah, he was pissed Do you think they planned that out? Somebody fucked him somewhere in there He got fucked

You think so? Yeah Because you see him going for the guy Then the guy just took him over Yeah And then started and got back on him He wasn't expecting that He thought he was going up

Oh And then you see him Then you see him just fucking get up And just fucking storm out of the fucking ring Why didn't you stay and kick his fucking ass? Because obviously you can't. See, he's trying to get to him, but the guy won't fucking let him. Now watch.

Guy takes him over, and he's on top of him. He's hooking him for the one, two, three. He got the one, two, three, see? He did not want that to fucking happen. Now watch this. Just gets up. Fuck it, I'm going home. Yeah, straight out.

That's interesting because you see this from the eyes of a professional wrestler. I see this from the eyes of a layman in the crowd and I don't see that. That's fascinating. You see a double cross.

Oh yeah, that's a double cross, no doubt. Somebody got fucked there because that's why he got the quick one, two, three count on him. Yeah. You know, he didn't expect that.

David Arquette sitting back knowing that Jake the Snake is doing commentary on his match. I love it. David, get a day job. Whoa! And send your sister over a year. Outrageous. Listen, he just needs practice. He's a young buck.

I mean, didn't Dallas, didn't Dallas started when he was 36? 36, yeah, I started when he was 36. Imagine that. And the crazy part is you were one of his original mentors and i'm the guy that said i'll fucking teach you because everybody else said you're too fucking old yeah specifically rick flair uh rick flair told him dallas you've been a manager you do this well you do that well but you're 36 get a grip on you know you're too fucking old to start and when dallas told me that i'm like fuck it man if it's your is it really your dream he says my fucking dream man i want it fuck it i'll teach him and that's when i started

i moved in with him and then we had the infamous snake incident in his house what was the infamous snake incident i I got busy with a girlfriend and forgot what I was doing upstairs. I was washing the snake off and went back downstairs to check on her

and she caught me by surprise and raped me and it was horrible but it was great so I stayed and then I went oh my god

I forgot the snake upstairs. So I ran back upstairs realized it had been two and a half hours and Dallas was just coming out of his bedroom and he's like what the fuck you been in the shower the whole time? I'm like upstairs. So I ran back upstairs, realized it had been two and a half hours. And Dallas was just coming out of his bedroom. He's like, what

the fuck? You've been in the shower the whole time? I'm like, yeah, man, I just thought, yeah, I'm sweaty.

Look at me. I hadn't been in the shower yet, man. The snake was in there. So I said, I'll get my shit

right out. He goes, why didn't you leave the shower in Dallas? I was washing some soap out, man.

Fuck, get a grip, man. Leave me alone. So I go in there, fucking snake. Oh, my God, I can't find get a grip, man. Leave me alone. So I go in there, I'm fucking, I'm a fucking snake. Oh my God, I can't find the fucking snake.

He's not in here. Oh my God. Which kind of snake was this? Was it a cobra? It was a cobra, yeah. Oh, Jesus. They had three, they had three cats.

Oh no. Yeah, that's what I thought too. Oh no. So I started looking for it. Then I had to fess up the Dallas what was going on. Like, dude, dude, dude, dude. You got to find that motherfucker. My wife will be home in 20 minutes.

I'm like, what? Holy shit. I'll fight any man, but fucking woman, hell no. They will fuck you up. I run from women. They fuck you up, man. They'll wait till you're asleep and shit. Fucking come fuck you up again.

Because we have dicks. We think, you know, they love me because I'm a dick or whatever. And you give them an in because they're going, I want to hear you so much. And then you fall asleep. Axe murder, axe murder. Here we go. I've been married three times. Your experience is very different than mine.

Well, I've had three successful marriages. Nobody died. I did 13 years With my first wife 13 years With my second wife Four months With my third So I'm getting better

A lot better But it sounds like You're talking about prison I did 13 years Whenever someone says About marriage I did 13 years That's like Sam Kennison

In 86 That goes back to My experience Right You know My experience is Unfortunate Because what I've been through I let a woman get this close to me. We're about to get started getting real, which is what I really want.

But then I got to push you back. Right. Can't handle it. I can't handle it. I want to get back to this, but I want to find out what happened to the cats. Okay. Well, long story short, I couldn't find them. For how long?

As long as I was there. How much? Well, right before she got home, I thought I would do the man thing and get in my car and run. That's what I did. That is what you did? Fucking right. Wow. Brother, I had a slick fucking 84 Corvette

that I knew would not look good with high heels going up and down it. Right. Because that bitch, that wonderful lady, she was a wonderful,

wonderful woman. She was going to fuck you up. She was going to fuck everybody up. Right. And if I'm not sleeping with you,

you're not going to talk shit like that to me. Right. You know? That's true. I'll listen to it if I'm sleeping with you. But that was it. I had to leave. I. You know? That's true. I'll listen to it if I'm sleeping with you. But that was it.

I had to leave. I came back two days later in my defense. Two days later. Okay. And when I got there, I see all these workmen carrying sheets of...

Sheetrock. Sheetrock. I'm like, what the fuck? And then Dallas had told me they were going to do some remodeling downstairs. And I'm like, oh, they're working on my fucking room, right?

That's so cool, man. He's like, dude, you got 15 minutes to pack your shit and go. What? You got to get out. One little snake and I've got to go. That's really bullshit, Dallas. And yeah, they couldn't find the snake either so they wound up calling some people professionals and the only way they found it was by tearing out

several walls and they finally found it one of the walls what did it do climb an event it got in the vent wherever i don't know and got into the wall and what the fuck and they had to follow it through the house how did they find it by it through the house. How did they find it? By running out of walls. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so they were quite upset. I believe so. I had my kitchen worked on once.

And after they sealed the drywall in the back, I heard, meow, meow. Snake is inside. No, my fucking cat. So my cat, Spaz. I was like, Spaz. I was like, Spaz. She's like, meow. That's where it got the name. I'm like, oh, shit.

I'm like, she's in the fucking wall. So I had to go get a hammer. And I had to claw open the wall and then pull her out, covered in fucking dust. That's when they hit the music. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That's a sweet cat. I've had that cat for 19 years. Wow.

Yeah. Let me tell you what happened. Here I am in Australia. This is like 1993 or 4. And there's a Japanese superstar named Thunder Juice and Liger. I mean, just top of the top, brother. So he's on tour with us. No problem.

But the first night he's in, we'd already been there two nights. And these people come in. These Japs come in. And they start fucking yakety-yakety in Japanese to this other guy, and they're English, transferred, and boom, boom. Bottom line is,

he will not stay in the same fucking dressing room as Jake. He's terrified of snakes. Dude, I'm not gonna get it on him. No, doesn't matter. He doesn't even think he should be here because of Jake. Okay. Fuck him. Let him go wherever he wants be here because of Jake. Okay.

Fuck him. Let him go wherever he wants. I don't give a shit. I told you I wouldn't get it on you. If my word's not good enough, fuck off. So he goes and gets another dressing room on the other side of this coliseum. It's a giant coliseum, man. A long way across there.

He wrestles. Goes in the shower. Comes out from the shower. He's drying off. He looks up in the mirror. And in the mirror, he can see a cobra has come up out of the toilet. And he's looking around the room. And the rest of him is still in the toilet.

And then he goes back down. He screams. He runs across the fucking building nude which got everybody's attention the police get involved he comes down to jake where's your fucking snake i'm like i really can't find it so he'd gotten out of my locker room and went into the toilet and took off and come up in that toilet over there. Jesus Christ. He got on a fucking airplane that night and went the fuck home. Imagine the snake sensed that he was scared of them.

Sure he did. And then went and found the place where there was the most fear. You're the one. Yeah. I wonder if that, I mean, it only makes sense, right? Oh, yeah, They can sense your fear They would go after prey animals Prey animals are terrified of them

They probably have a sense of fear Through the fucking toilet Can you imagine that? I still have horror stories And bad memories of sitting on a toilet And a snake just biting me in the balls And the ass I had those fucking dreams come to me Because I had those snakes all those fucking years, man.

Well, especially after that, knowing that they can travel that way. Oh, they can. How'd you get the snake back? I didn't. I left him over there in fucking Australia. I couldn't get him back. Sorry. Now he's taking over the country.

Jesus Christ, where's that fucking snake yeah it's in melbourne that's where i left him how long do those things live a long time like how long 30 years 30 years so it's probably still alive in the toilets of that auditorium looking around and eating ass man can you imagine some poor woman sitting down in the toilet? Oh, wait a minute. That's not right. Wow. Wow.

He'll snake up the asterisk. Climbed in the fucking toilet and went to the one guy that was terrified of him. Yeah. Unbelievable. You remember when we did the Andre thing, right? Andre was supposed to be afraid of the snake. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he faints and fakes a heart attack

and he's laying there and poor Bobby Heenan. Bobby Heenan's over there checking and pounding on his chest because he's supposed to act like he's had a heart attack.

And somebody goes, give him out the mouth, Bobby. And Bobby's like, are you fucking kidding me? That fucking giant, that fucking giant breath that you had, man, from drinking.

Giant breath. Brother, I love the giant to death, man. I mean, when I first got into wrestling, I was a referee in like 1974 or so. And they came to me and they said, look, you're not refereeing tomorrow night, but we want you to drive Andre around. Why? So you were a referee before you were a pro wrestler? Right, right.

Which is actually the best way to start. Because you get a feel of it? You get a feel of it. You learn how to feel people. And you learn how to judge people. You learn how to read people. You know, in the crowd, you can read them. But I got the take care of Andre thing.

They gave me a van. Said Andre will sit in the back. Got him a beanbag chair. Just take him to the building he'll do his thing give him a ride back to the hotel cool 70 miles no problem 80 miles whatever

so we get through with the show and he's like beer okay he talks he walks so I stop and get him beer I'm like I'm going to get a six pack my damn self there Andre and he goes two cases it's an 85 mile trip I'm like, I'm going to get a six-pack my damn self there, Andre. He goes, two cases.

It's an 85-mile trip. Yeah, two cases. I'm like, fuck. Two cases? I guess he wants some for his room, right? So we get back in the van. We start driving. I don't know about you guys, man.

Back even when I drank, until I get into that first third or fourth hour, I got to piss. Like every time I have a beer, I got to piss. I don't really buy beer. I just rent it. You know, I rent it. Then I go get rid of it.

But so after, you know, 30 miles, I pull a Andre. Sorry, I got to piss. You know, I get out of the piss, get back in the van.

You don't know anything. Yeah. Okay. Take it easy. I hear the pop tops. He's fucking with me. He's fucking with me. We get a little closer. I hear the pop tops. Pop, pop, pop. He's fucking with me. He's fucking with me. We get a little closer.

I got to piss again. Finally get there. Gets out of his house. I'll get your beer. He goes, finished. What? He drank 48 beers. Yeah, right.

Fuck off. Fuck off, you big goof. You know, he leaves. I get in there. First the first thing I do, I'm checking with my hand, make sure I'm not putting my hand in piss, because I figure this motherfucker never got out to piss. He drank two cases of beer and did not have to piss.

I don't care if you out-drink me, but damn it, how can you do that? I mean, I felt so inadequate. You know? This guy drank 48 beers and didn't piss. How can you do that? I mean, I felt so inadequate. This guy drank 48 beers and didn't piss. 48 beers and 80 miles. Yeah. That's insane. That was nothing.

Bro, his hand would cover that beer up. That's how big his hands were. Just an amazing athlete and an amazing man. And to be in the ring with him was, he was unbelievable. When Hulk Hogan hoisted him up in the air, look at that photo of him with a regular sized can of beer. That is insane. Doesn't even look real. That doesn't look real.

That's a 12 ounce. Yeah. Yeah, that's a 12 ounce beer and it just vanishes inside his head. See if you can find that video of when Hulk Hogan picks him up over his head. Slams him, yeah. That was fucking insane. How much did he weigh? 550.

550 pounds. Now, 550 pounds just hoisting over your head with a bar, with an Olympic bar, is impressive. But to do it with dead weight with a man? Well, the thing about it is it wouldn't happen unless Andre wanted you to. Right. Of course. Because he's going to boost himself of course i mean yeah i remember in being in the ring one night and he just slammed me i'm like yeah you're fucking but this is insane like look at this this is insane but if you look where

andre's hands are you'll see he helps that he helps him pull him still he had me pick him up and slam him one night and he's like slam me i him. I'm like, no fucking way. I thought he was kidding. He's like, no, yes, sir. And I went under, and all of a sudden, he's here. And I'm like, holy fuck, I've got him. Still insane. He would use that athletic energy for that. And then my legs just started to fucking buckle. Yeah, you got to drop them fast.

Hogan's 300 pounds there. At least, right? Look how big the giant is. And jacked. But Hogan was fucking jacked oh yeah you know i met him later in life but i'd met him earlier too i ran into him on the street once and i couldn't believe how fucking big he was and the second time i saw him he was shorter because he had so many back surgeries that his discs had been fused and he's still a giant human being but

he wasn't as big he's not six eight no more no more. Yeah. He's about 6'4. Isn't that crazy? Piper told me when I was friends with Piper, he told me that when Hogan did that slam on Andre, just like he could feel it just going all the way up. Is that true? I can only imagine. I clotheslined Andre one night, and I came in and did him hard because Andre wanted you to hit him hard. Which I used to say, that's the most frustrating thing in the world right there and what's that i'm like you're trying to kill

a motherfucker and he don't even know it yeah so here i am hitting him as hard as i could and he didn't know that so when he'd reach out and just i mean he used to hit me and i'd be falling right that's a lot of energy me falling he'd reach out and grab me by my hair and just zing pulled me right my fucking feet and just ripped a fucking see look here I hear you two are look at that look at that I don't wait 260 there Wow that's so crazy that's you yeah that is so crazy look how fucking big he was he was so good he did a horrible thing to me one night in the ring, man.

He knocked me down, and I'm on my back, and he stands on my hair, and then reached down and grabbed my arms and pulled. He just ripped my fucking hair out. Wow. Did you guys plan shit out like that, or did he just improvise that in the moment?

We went out there and played. He liked me, and I liked him. Andre will test you, and. He liked me and I liked him. Andre will test you. And if you don't man up to him, he'll fucking eat you. Oh, good man. Did you get to see the documentary

that they made on him on HBO? Talking about Savage? No, Andre. Yeah, no, no. No, I didn't see it. It's really great. You'd really love it. I don't want to.

Yeah. His is hurt too much. Yeah. It made me cry, so. Yeah. It made me cry. Yeah, it makes me cry to know what that man went through. What did he go through? Just people pointing and laughing. Right.

And pain. His pain was unbelievable. Yeah. Because of wrestling. No, because of the growth. Growth. Yeah. His body.

Continued to grow. Continued to grow. You know, let's think about what a day is. Well, a bed don't fit too well. Right. Let's talk about hotels and bathrooms. Oh, yeah. Where's he going to shit?

Right. Where does he shit? In the bathtub. No. Yeah. That's the only place he could shit. Yeah. There's no toilet going to take his ass.

Didn't he just got to squish it in the water? He just got to... No, he just fucking turned the shower on, man, and let it dissolve it. Jesus. How would you like to do hot yoga in that bathroom with that shower spraying down? God damn, he took a shit in the bathtub. Airplanes, cars. Yeah.

Well, his home was a giant house. So did he have his house set up? It fit for him, yeah. Wow. Well, his home was a giant house. So did he have his house set up? It fit for him, yeah. Wow. That's another thing where Piper told me a great story about how everybody would always,

he would just get so harassed out in public. And they were out drinking one night after shows, and they were in some college town, like we'll say Madison, Wisconsin, or something like that. And they're having some drinks at a bar, and Piper was like, these kids, these frat boys, they noticed a few tables away and someone, an empty beer can hits Andre in the back of the head. It hits the ground.

Andre looks around, they're hanging out. A couple minutes later, another empty beer can hits Andre. He growls a little bit harder. And then a third beer can comes and Andre stands up. It hits him in his head a little bit harder. And then a third beer can comes, and Andre stands up. It hits him in his head.

Andre stands up. It takes him a while to get out of the booth or whatever, wherever they're at. And these guys get up, and they start running, and Andre chases them. But when he gets out of the bar, they are in their car about to pull away, and Andre literally goes under the car

that's out front of the bar and flips it over. There's a cop a half a block away who pulls up and arrests them for fucking with Andre the Giant after he flips their car with them in it. Those guys mess with me. They do beer cat.

We were wrestling in Montreal. It was his birthday. He could do a back flip standing on the top rope and do a flip. I remember we were wrestling in Montreal. It was his birthday. Wow, look at that picture. He could do a backflip standing on the top rope and do a flip. Really? And land on his feet when he first started. But I'm wrestling him, and we had this little thing we'd do where he'd get me in the corner, and he'd just still let weight into me,

which was pretty easy to register. And then I would slide down, and then he would grab each side of the rope and do the ass drop. Of course, he's got these ropes. Well, that night he went to do it, and his hand slipped. So all of a sudden, his ass lands right here.

And just, you know, I heard fucking vertebrae. And I'm like, can I breathe? I just want to know if I can breathe, because I couldn't at the moment. I was like, screaming. And I turned over on my side thinking, oh, my God, how bad is it? I figured my sternum was broke, whatever. Yeah. And he sits on me, and I'm laying there, oh, my God, oh, my God, trying to catch my breath,

trying to let everything come back in because I'd seen the lights coming at first, so I was going to pass out. And then I hear Andre laughing. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And I hear the referee say, Andre, why are you laughing? He goes, I'm farting. And I'm like, what? And I could feel my fucking shoulder just vibrate.

Like, blah. And he's farting. You know how long a giant can fart? How long? About 40 seconds. He's like. Wow. But it was a steady flow.

It wasn't. 48 years worth of farts. Man, he got up. I had like a wine stain on my shoulder. It was a birthmark. Look at that. Yeah. Amazing, amazing guy, man.

But I used to think to myself, the fans really don't like me. Because they're putting me out there and the fans are cheering me on to charge into that fucking big giant. You want me to get killed, don't you? Yeah. Your fans are vicious. Why are y'all doing this to me? Don't cheer me. Tell me I'm a stupid fucker and to get out of the ring.

For the giant eats you. There's no fun in that. Was that hard to always be a great bad guy or did you sort of relish in that? Yeah. Yeah. Being a good guy is so boring. Right. Because people expect you to be nice.

They expect you to do this. Right. They expect you to pitch it with the baby. But as a bad guy, you can do anything and it's okay yeah you know i mean and then you get to see how far you can take people you know i mean some people freak this kind of bugs people freaks them out a little bit uh thinking about starting a riot but that's when you know you've done your job right when you can get people to step out of their comfort zone and come into the ring after you,

now you've done the job. Did you have that happen all the time? Oh, yeah. How many times? Oh, probably 30, 40 times. 30, 40 times people charged the ring trying to get you. Well, it got bad a couple of times. One time, the worst one being in Dallas, Texas,

which is like 60 miles from my hometown. What started it? I was wrestling Sting, and the guy stood up about nine rows back, reached inside of his jacket, pulled out a nine millimeter, and got three shots off before they got him. What?

Yeah. I'd already dived underneath the ring. Sting being the baby face is stupid, yeah. He's in the ring, whoo, you know, fuck you, Sting. I'm not coming back, bitch. You know, this guy got three shells off at me.

I remember going to the back thinking to myself, Jake, you fucking got him right there. You take him that far. You're making people do shit they would not normally do. Did they get the guy? They got him. But here's what. They brought him to the back and they're like,

Jake, do you want to press charges? I'm like, press charges? No, just reload the motherfucker and put back and they're like, Jake, do you want to press charges? I'm like, press charges? No, just reload the motherfucker and put him back out there. What the fuck do you think? Of course I want to press charges, man. He put three holes in the building of the old fucking sportatorium there in Dallas, man. Was he shooting at you or was he just shooting at the ceiling? At me.

Yeah. Really? He hated my ass. I had a woman, 75 years old old cut me with a box cutter. What? Yeah. The first time she'd ever been to watch wrestling. What? What did you do to start that?

She had been at home with her grandkids and they were watching me wrestle. And they were like, oh, granny, look at so-and-so. Jake Roberts, he's so bad. Somebody needs to wash his damn mouth out and spank his ass is what that man needs. Somebody should have straightened him out earlier in his life. And they're like, oh, Granny, shut up.

You wouldn't have done anything. You'd run from him, too. I would not run from that man. And they basically challenged the grandmother, not knowing it. She's a little off. Next time I come to town, she gets a fucking ticket. She's going to show those grandkids she's not afraid of me.

I came down the aisle. I got security around me. And all of a sudden my security's gone. This is fucking great. And I turn to see what they're doing. There's this old woman that's down. And they're all over. And I'm i'm thinking what she had

a fucking heart attack man what's going on hey guys what's going jake she fucking cut you man i'm like oh you're full of shit look at your arm holy shit i fucking kicked that bitch right in the face man i went down trying to cross face her you know how bad did she cut you about 30 stitches jesus christ box cutter he just didn't realize it you don't feel the box cutter you're so sharp yeah so i get to the back with her and i hear the story you know what what actually happened and i just looked at her and i think can i hug you you want to hug me? I'm like, yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.

Come here. And I hugged her. And I started crying. And she started crying. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Was that wife number two or three? I would have taken her. That's why it only lasted four months.

She died. She died, yeah. She ran out of blades. Yeah, there you go. There you go. What the fuck, man? Wow. You're a better man than me.

Well, you did kick her, though. I did kick her. It was a good, solid kick. Yeah. I got a nice fucking false teeth, jiggle teeth. Jesus Christ. You guys still have all your teeth? Yeah.

Yeah, I have more. How many root canals? One. Really? Yeah. How long did you fight? Not that long. I wore mouthpieces.

What, 15 minutes? 20 minutes? No. How long did you fight? Not that long. I wore mouthpieces. What, 15 minutes, 20 minutes? No, I move a lot. There's a big difference in the amount of punishment that you would take pro wrestling. Okay. And the amount of punishment you take sparring or fighting. I had like 16, 17 root canals. Jesus Christ, man.

You know, the shots. As you get older, the teeth deteriorate. Yeah. And those root canals, that tooth just winds up turning into dust, basically. Yeah. And they start breaking off in pieces and stuff. And, man, this probably didn't help in my spiral down either, man, that I couldn't go eat, you know. I had to check and see what I was going to eat and make sure i just put new polygrip

in and you start eating a steak with polygrip and boom it breaks loose and next thing you know your fucking mouth's bleeding because it broke loose and right you having to go to the bathroom you know it makes a date so nice you know there's nothing that says love by chewing on your girlfriend's box and your teeth fall out on her belly button, you know? It just turns them on, you know? No, but teeth are just not meant to be hit. It sucks, man, you know? Yeah. You never wore a mouthpiece, though, right?

No, you can't do it in wrestling. You swallowed it. Yeah, that's the difference. But, you know, I got real fortunate that some people out of Dallas, and they got one in Vegas also, G4, it's called. They

said, look dude, we see you're having problems. We see you doing your talking. And I talk like this. Because my teeth are constantly coming loose. And it didn't matter how many times I got new ones. They still sucked.

So these people at G4, man, they finally came to us and said, look, we're going to fix you. I'm like, yeah, right. So they told me implants. Well, I didn't know a whole lot about that shit. You know, and they come back to me and they said, I need a Dallas. And Dr. Golpa was his name and put 11 implants in. And it was pretty bad, man. I had a bad day.

It's hard to medicate me and put me out because I raised those levels too high. So during while I was out and they were pulling teeth, getting ready to put the things in to screw into. Evidently, during all that process, I just stood up and started pissing on the doctor and pissing on everybody in the room and chasing them and a complete fucking idiot. Was this why you were sober? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I sobered up, but see, they had to give me so much shit to put me out that I keep moving this bullshit going, hey, fuck you, doc, and I'm fucking getting my dick and fucking trying. But this is, I'm saying this is like

during your sobriety period. Yes, yes, yes. So this is recently. A year and a half ago, yeah. Jesus Christ. They did this for my teeth, man.

You imagine being locked in a small room with Jake the Snake, he pulls his dick out and starts pissing on you and you think you got him medicated?

He's got bars in his teeth and you try to give him some fake teeth yeah what was even nicer was the next day they didn't even

hold it against me aww that's sweet I know I woke up the next morning I don't remember them taking me to the hotel and putting me in bed or any of that

man I didn't know what the vaseline on my ass was for but anyway I'm just kidding but I woke up the next morning I'm like

whose fucking clothes are these cause they basically undressed me there and got the piss all off of me I'm just kidding. But I woke up the next morning. I'm like, whose fucking clothes are these? Because they basically undressed me there and got the piss all off of me and put new clothes on me. I'm like, what the fuck's going on? Did they have to buy clothes for you? Or was there a giant person in the room? Yeah, they're at the place, and they dressed me. Wow.

I came back the next morning. I haven't been there for five hours the day before and they set me down and said this won't take but about 15 minutes i'm like yeah all right and they come in there here's your new teeth put them up and screwed them in man i could bite a bumper on a car no shit no it's amazing what they can do now right it's so unbelievable if anybody out there is having an issue with their teeth, man, get them fixed.

But get them fixed the right way. Don't fuck around with getting partial plates and all that bullshit. Go ahead and bite the bullet. It's expensive.

No doubt it's expensive. But it changed my whole life, man. That and the guy that did my hair. You know what I mean? Bada bing. I wanted hair.

You know, because Jake the Snake has hair. Well, Jake the Snake at the end of the line didn't have no fucking hair. It was all gone. And some people in Atlanta where I was living, Paramount Plastic Surgery and stuff, they said, look, we'll give you a head of hair, man. You know why? Well, you're Jake of hair man you know why well you're jake the snake man we love you and that's like 30 40 grand man i know you love me but you're gonna do that really and that's one of the things in the movie you know you the people come up with money

for my shoulder oh my god i cry so hard at that part of that movie when they when you guys are expecting like oh i'm hoping that we raised a little something. 7,000 in a night. No, it was just 17,000 in a 24 hour span, which more than paid for my, I almost had enough to get a tit job. Which I was going to have them put on my back.

That way you'd have something to play with too. What did you have to get done to your shoulder? Was it a labrum tear? No, it was bone spurs. Bone spurs. So you had to it a labrum tear? No, it was bone spurs. Bone spurs. So you had to go in there and scope it? I had three bone spurs, and one of the spurs was over two inches long. Good Lord. And here's the great news.

I think I've got it back. You've got a spur back? I can move my arm, and I can feel that fucking thing in there go across the muscle. Oh, God. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? You sure? Yeah. Did you get an mri

not yet but i might just be biceps tendon i hope so torn off but what i'm getting at here and it's like the number of people that reached out to me and did shit for me that didn't have to people i didn't even know and uh it just blows me away. Well, just think about how many people you touched over your entire career and how many people ran away from home. Yeah. The macho man got bit. And it's crazy because back then, everybody's like, this is the scariest guy.

We hate this guy. Boo this guy. And then it's like years later, they realize, whoa, that guy moved me. It's like originally everybody was afraid of you or hated you, but it's like it's all in retrospect when they realize, holy shit, this guy, I can help this guy. He earned it from me. He deserves it.

This guy changed my life, blah, blah, blah, blah. The scene in the movie when it's unexpected and the guys are in the ring and they play the music and you start walking out with the bag and the snake in it. Yeah. That's pretty incredible. It was a horror.

After all the shit that you had been through with your sobriety. I had all the shit that I'd stirred up while I was a drunk. Yeah. You know,

because, I mean, it amazes me how many people have forgiven me for the things that I said or did when I was under the influence, man?

Because let me tell you something. There is nothing more vile than a drunk, addicted, hating motherfucker like I was. And I did not mind going after Vince or anybody else. I hated life, so I wanted to hate you too. I don't give a fuck if you hate me. Guess know guess what I hate me more than you can hate me I don't know what a loser you are. You can't even hate me much You know it that's what amazed me people helping me is like All those years that I used to cringe when somebody said hey, would you hold my baby? I'm like

You don't want me to hold your baby. You don't know what the fuck I am. Don't make me do that. Because it would hurt me inside to pull that kid in and smile and lie. I'm not a good liar when it comes to shit like that. I just, it's like Vince it comes to shit like that. It's like Vince wanted me to do a commercial one time, a just say no campaign. Dude.

That's hilarious. You're going to have me fucking do this? To me, it's not funny, Vince. Right. It's not. Right. Because I know what it's like not to be able to say no. There's no worse feeling in the world, man.

Here you got something on this hand that's going to kill you. Or you got life over here and there's green pastures and all this happy, happy, happy. And you're going to have a good relationship with a woman if you just fucking. I'm going to take the poisonous tree. You know what's ironic is that your movie, your film, your story, and who you are right now is one of the best just say no commercials I could ever do. Yeah, maybe. For real. Because you can't just say no.

No, no. That's the most ridiculous bullshit ever said. Yeah, when you show that in the film, that you want to say no. I mean, this is one of the more powerful things about that film is not just that you want to say no i mean this is what one of the more powerful things about that film is not just that you succeeded but that you tried and failed several times until you succeeded and you detailed all of it all the warts and all every single step of the way we didn't uh it's a very brave movie man it really is cut shit out no no you didn't. That was tough. But now I'm getting to do the right thing. And for me, I'm doing this comedy thing.

Now, it's not really comedy. I just go out and tell road stories and shit. You know, like a couple of stories I told you. Like Roddy used to do, right? Yeah, with Macho. I just told you about Macho. I do the same stuff in buildings. But I've wrestled for 36 years.

So I've got about 10 shows to do and I'm still on the first one going all around with it and I've been doing it for two and a half years now but now I'm enjoying it so much not because I'm making people laugh because I'm getting

to connect with people that are needing help people come to the show I tell hey, give me the Iggy, man. Afterwards, we'll go find a place and talk. And some of the stories I have, man, make my story sound like a fucking walk in the park, man. I mean, some of the horror stories I've heard, what people are going through and suffering through, and their story, their pain and their anger.

My shit looks weak compared to what these people... And I'm getting to hear this and I'm getting to help them find the way. And then I get to hear the stories of the success stories. Hey, man, I didn't start getting clean until I heard about you starting to get clean

and I started to try. And hey, guess what, Jake? I got two years in now or I got four years in now. Those are great. But the best is the letter from the six-year-old that says, You helped my daddy. My daddy loves you, and I love you too because my daddy lives with me now. Wow.

Oh, fuck me, man. Wow. You know? Wow. You can't buy that shit. You can't buy that. So I get what Dallas Wow. You know? Wow. You can't buy that shit. You can't buy that. So I get what Dallas does, you know? When he helps people, he gets an eye off of it.

And God bless him, he should get an eye off of it. Because he spends a lot of time doing it, bro. A lot of time. And that's the one thing I always thought about Dallas. He may not be the smartest guy in the room, but he's smart enough to know that. And he'll go find that right answer. You know, whenever he was dealing with me and Scott, he didn't know how to be an addict or what that was about,

so what'd he do? He contacted all of his buddies or his ex-buddies that had been through it, and he went and he read and he read and he read. He's self-taught, man. He used to have a problem reading, but he's got it down now. So here's a guy that over prepares for everything yeah as far as i'm concerned but well that's also why he started ddp yoga right he wanted to figure out a way to heal his body himself yeah now he's

sharing it yeah not just sharing it but promoting it worldwide have you ever done it no i haven't well i mean i did do a little bit of it years ago. I looked up, I found a little bit of it on YouTube. I never got the actual program. Do the program. You can make it as easy as you want or you can make it as difficult as you want. And that's the beauty of it. Because you can get somebody

like Nimble Nuts over here with a sprained mangina. You can't leave me alone. His mangina's warped out of shape. He can't help himself. Oh, my God. It's like the snake when he tries to find the Japanese guy.

I can tell. I can tell. He just likes playing with round things over there, doesn't he? The knobs. He's stroking the knobs. Unbelievable. One of the cool things about DDP yoga is, you know, you see all those before and after of the physical transitions of people, but what those pictures don't show is the mental uh presence that you get i mean i was

i was in chicago doing gigs a few years ago and this was after i got to see your movie when it first premiered i actually think it was david arquette that got me and my because we made friends at the comedy store years ago he got me and my buddies in on you guys had your premiere on Sunset Boulevard at that. I'll take your word for it. Anyway. So I had already seen the movie but Scott wasn't at that and I don't

believe you were there either. I just made the big ones. So I was in Chicago doing a gig and it's one of those morning radio shows that I didn't want to have to do that Friday morning, 6 a.m. pickup, whatever. I had just flown in. And I almost, I remember I almost called in sick to that radio show because I'm like, I'm doing, you know, I don't want to, I'm just tired. I don't want to do it.

You ended up showing up. You're probably just slow getting there. Yeah, sure. The back of a spirit flight. But I ended up not to do it. Yeah, your private jet was just slow getting there. Yeah, sure. The back of a Spirit flight. But I end up not calling in sick. I'm like, let's just do it. Make coffee in the hotel and get to the fucking car. Because that's what you do.

Right, exactly. And as soon as I get there to like man cow in the morning, right? They're like, you'll never believe who else is in studio with you. You're a wrestling fan, right? I'm like, yeah. They're like, Scott Hall is also going to be here with you. I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. And I remember hoping.

When you brush your teeth. I remember, you know, I remember hoping because I had just seen that movie. I'm like, oh, man, I hope that, you know, I hope he's still in good shape and everything. I hope everything's cool because I know how hard it is to stay clean as an addict. And my God, if he wasn't just and and you know you as well here today it's like it's just completely present not you can't even tell you've probably had 20 000 concussions in your life you know i mean just there looking around laughing smiling my mind was blown that he was as present if not more than a lot

of the other and available older most let more you know pro wrestlers that i had met you know what i mean and people that i had met he was in it he was being funny he's reacting charged in yeah it was unreal in the job compared to the guy that gets scooted in on that wheelchair that can't walk and when he's first starting with the chairs you can hear his bones cracking oh yeah when you heard his hip oh it's a wonderful sound oh man and it was just i've had two replaced and the first one sucked the, man, they went through the front. That's the way to go. I went in 7 a.m. at noon. I jerked the covers back, told my daughter, hand me my pants or I'm walking out naked.

I put my fucking pants on, put my feet down, and walked straight out. No cane, no nothing. Really? In five hours. You can do that? Not supposed to. The doctor was yelling at me as we were leaving the building what was he saying you get back the fuck in there yeah he was walking because you could trip and blow the whole thing out yeah probably but he was walking on a crosswalk

to connect the two buildings and i'd already went out the bottom and i was going to the car he's like beating on the fucking window like this is like a full hip replacement where they sever the top of the femur and they put a new joint. They screw it. You ever seen how they do it? Oh, it's gnarly. It's brutal, bro. Then they drive it in there.

Yeah, there's a goddamn huge bolt that goes in the center of your bone. It goes right through the bone and screws in place and then you have this new joint. Yeah, the first one I had was brutal because the whole joint had calcified. And it took them three and a half hours

to get it out. Oh, God. And they said they finally went to, like, bring in the big hammer, you know? They went from the shiny silver hammer to get Claude's fucking sledge out from the truck and bring it on in. Well, you know how cauliflower ear starts, right?

Yeah. Do you know what it is? Yeah. Yeah. The breaking cartilage. The blood. Blood. It's blood.

Blood calcifies. So blood becomes a rock. It really turns into a rock. You get that in your nose. Yeah. And he had that in his joint. So he basically had rocks in his joint. Completely calcified.

That's fucking marvelous. I wrestled for three or four years like that. I'll show you guys and we can come back and talk about it. What I would do is, I couldn't do anything with this hip. No one can hear you, unfortunately, when you do this. And then I would swing it and grab the guy. Yeah. Yeah.

I was bending the femur. The femur was going boing. Wow. So you were putting so much torque in that you were blowing your hip out of socket.

So your left hip took the brunt. It wouldn't rotate out of socket but it would bend the femur bone. Wow. Fuck.

I did it for the doctor and he's like, oh my God. Because when I first went in and seen the dog he's like, how'd you get here? And I said,

I drove. He goes, no, how'd you get to the room i'm like i walked he's impossible i've seen your x-ray there's no way you can walk the fuck i can't and i showed him he's like oh my god he runs out of the room i'm like okay i know i got cancer i'm dying that's the difference between a regular person though and a guy like you like your tolerance for pain is probably through the fucking roof you're probably just so accustomed to it. I don't recognize it. Yeah, well, obviously with your arm broken when you wanted to keep wrestling. You don't recognize pain because it's just something that you do.

You know, there were times in my career where people were like, stop. I'm like, it's okay, I'm all right. Well, it's a lie because you weren't all right. It's just adrenaline's flowing so much and You're so jacked on that shit. You know, that's the real drug. Adrenaline. You all right with that? No.

Jamie will show you how to do it. Put your back in this. I think the tension from this spring trap here will save your life. Man. Now, when you're doing these traveling shows you're doing them in comedy clubs where are you doing comedy clubs bars um hotel convention rooms whatever that's got to be great for you too because at the beginning of the film one of the things that was evident was that you missed you missed the whole excitement of performing it was it was missing from your life

so now you've got that back but also healthy healthy positive and then also helping people absolutely man and that's such a joy to help people but it's you know when i first went back man because i abused myself so much my memory was shot i couldn't remember shit man and then as i tell one story a little glimmer will happen over here and then then i'll talk to somebody in the crowd and they'll mention i'm like i didn't wrestle that guy the hell you didn't and i i don't remember wrestling this guy doing this with that one and they make me remember stuff like i said now i got like 10 shows waiting and at first i had to really struggle to get one show together did you write them all out they make me remember stuff. Like I said, now I've got like 10 shows waiting. At first, I had to really struggle to get one show together.

Did you write them all out? I did in the beginning. Now I just write bullet points and I can pull them back up, which is so nice to do. Because I was at a point, man, with my speech, I wouldn't finish sentences. In the film, you did it with Mick Foley. Are you doing them with Mick on the road? No, no, no. I'm doing good ones now.

Oh, come on. Mick's great. Okay, you've never seen my show, have you? No, not yet. Okay, then shut up and get in the car. I can't wait.

I've seen Mick. I opened up for Mick a few years ago and I was amazed. No, you'll never open for me. And your goddamn shirt never closed for me. And your goddamn shirt never closed for me. How dare you.

How dare you, sir. If you're a wrestler, I'd say, maybe I can get you on a TV squash match, kid. What's a squash match? That's when you just go in and pummel a guy

for three minutes and squash him, lay him out on the floor. He doesn't even get to breathe, you know? So that was like you tell another wrestler, hey, I'll see if I can't get you in a squash match that'd be like saying

you know you're a piece of shit i'm just going to use you and toss you over in the corner when it's done was that like a rite of passage do you have to do squash matches no you know a lot of guys don't no we did back in my day though they started you at the bottom and you worked your way up now you got guys that go to schools for three months. They never learn their art. Well, when you go into school to learn wrestling, this is not something that existed. It didn't exist. Is it kind of like school for stand-up?

Exactly, yeah. I think it's exactly like that. There's classes that will teach you stand-up. And the good thing about it is at least you start doing it. Whether or not they're actually teaching you anything is very debatable. And the things that they are teaching is all in-ring technique and tosses and slams. And the thing that, you know, us diehard wrestling fans now miss with the product is exactly what you specialized in, which is psychology cutting promos i mean he once cut a promo i remember against hulk hogan where you said something

like if you plant grass grass will grow if you plant rice rice will grow and if you plant fear in your opponent's head that That gets me in trouble sometimes. I'll tell you the best interview I ever did. Because back in the day, we'd have to do 70 or 80 interviews, back to back. And the TV guys used to fight over getting me, because they knew it was going to be a fucking cakewalk. Some guys, like the Ultimate Warrior, some of those guys just take 26 go ahead and they sit there like pulling fucking teeth but for me i my nickname is one take jake yeah and i'd say give me something

they throw a word out there and i just do the whole fucking interview off that word just fucking around so i'm there one day i'm like'm like, oh, I got one guys, I got one. Okay, Jake, what are you gonna do? Just do it. So, and I went and they're like, oh, Jake, we're not getting any sound here. I'm like, motherfucker, did I tell you just to roll it? Just roll it. So I do it again. I'm making

no sound for like 30 seconds. And then I went, oh. Tell the little boy that's next to you that you're not scared of Jake. Why do I? I just made you get up and fix a television that wasn't broken. Didn't you come to the TV like I said to? Yeah, you did. You couldn't fix it. Tell your wife I said hello.

Wow. Chills. End of interview. Chills from head to toe from me. You're sick, fuck. What did I do? I didn't do anything. Well, also, the life that you were living, you could probably pull those dark thoughts

out like other people probably can't. I'd sit in a bar, man, and write stuff down. And the next day I'd pick it up and read it and go, oh, my God, what the fuck was I thinking? And it would just horrify me. But, yeah, sometimes you can pull dark stuff out of bad moments in life. Well, you had experiences. I mean, just trying to kill yourself with pills or whatever the fuck you were doing. I mean, the darkness that you had in your life.

My sister being murdered and shit. And my mother was a 12-year-old girl. And her mother was dating my father. Her mother was. My grandmother passed out. And my father left that bed and went into a 12-year-old little girl's room and raped her. That's me. That's how I got started.

And then later in life, my father was raping my sister. Did not know it. You know, he raped his other sister. Did not know it. You know, he raped his other daughter. Did not know it. Always heard whispering. You know, people whispering and giving him the evil eye.

What the fuck's the problem? Then I'd get in the ring with somebody that knew my dad and they'd beat the fucking shit out of me. Because they hated him. Because they'd seen some of the shit that he did. Do you want to believe that of your own father?

You don't ever want to believe that. God, you don't want to believe that, do you? The girl that you met earlier, Cody, she is the first daughter of mine that I held in my lap she was 22 22 before i would ever pick up one of my daughters and set them in my lap because i was afraid i'd turn into my father i never wanted that Because I was afraid I'd turn into my father.

I never wanted that. I never wanted to be someone that abused a child. Because I'd been abused. And I knew what that shit was like. And I knew what it did to my fucking head. Getting right and getting sober. Learning to talk about it. Helps a lot. It makes it it better you don't cure it you know you never get

over it but i can deal with it now i don't have to go medicate with it you know right now when you're talking to these people that you're also helping in your medium that also have these problems how many of them have also been abused? A lot. A lot, man. You know what it's like to be sitting at a Comic-Con and look out there and there's people in your line and your eye contact contacts a kid. You look at the kid and they look at you and you're like, you poor motherfucker, you're going through it too, aren't you?

And I can tell it. I know that fucking kid's being sexually abused. You can see it. And I hate that feeling. Because then they get up to the front and you're like trying to talk to them. And they're like shut down completely. And then the fucking asshole that's next to him is probably doing the bullshit. He's wanting my fucking attention, man.

What chance do I have of him getting any good attention not much i keep going back to the kid how can you tell you just feel it you know it you smell it you taste it if you see the fear you know and you see the way that the dad communicates with them and you see their reaction They won't look at you with their eyes. You know, really hard to get them to look at you with the eyes, man. It really is. I remember I told somebody one time that probably the one thing that helped me

in my early life about going through all that sexual abuse and bullshit was I learned how to lie at a very young age. The reason I learned how to lie is because it helped me get to a safe place. You know, I learned to judge people and their attitudes. You know, I knew what buttons to push and what buttons not to push with my stepmother. I knew what was a safe place. And if there were keywords that come out from her, I knew to fucking go hide.

I had to start reading this shit. And I had to start coming up with storylines and stuff to get me out of shit so I wouldn't be put in the position to get gotten again. When you're learning that shit at 12 and 13, brother, you're getting some fucking knowledge. But it's a motherfucker, man. You know, just to have to go through it. And I don't know, man. You know? Just to have to go through it. And, uh, I don't know, brother. If there was ever a reason

to, uh, bring back the big one, gas or bullets or whatever, or hang, I think hanging's perfect for anybody that abuses kids. Let's make a public

fucking hanging. Fuck five years in jail. Fuck you, motherfucker. Put you dancing on the end of a rope. That'd get people's attention. It might stop some of it. Yeah, I don't know how to stop. What would they do that would stop it completely?

But it's one of the most disturbing characteristics of people that's even possible. And nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants to talk about it. The kid damn sure don't because here's what happens to the kid nine times out of ten they raise their head and they say something then this group comes in this group comes in cops come in they say this that's just that well he's probably just exaggerating this that this you have to go home with him oh fuck no you can't put that kid back in that house.

What chance do you have now? Right. Or you end up in an orphanage where... You're getting raped again. Yeah, who wants to volunteer at an orphanage more than a predator? And that's the problem is a lot of kids that get abused like that wind up abusing other kids. Absolutely. It's what you're taught.

Yeah. Sandusky had that whole charity for kids. It was his whole thing. It was his nut, man. Yep. I'm going to open up an abused children's home. That way I'll know where to go get one. Yep.

He also knew that the kids were damaged and they would be used to it. You know, what we call love, it can be an ugly thing. You know, what we call love, it can be an ugly thing. You know, sometimes a kid looks to get his ass kicked because that's the only type of love he knows. That's true. You're a powerful man to have gone through all this and to be able to express it so honestly to everybody. I mean, that is an amazing thing because the pain of your experiences has not stopped you from expressing all of the downsides of it, but also that you've come out of it on the

other end in a very positive way. I mean, you're a great guy to be around. You're funny as shit. You have amazing stories, and you're clean now. You're clean and healthy. I'm funny in a room like this because there's not any competition. Come on, Joe. It's amazing stories and you're clean now. I'm funny in a room like this because there's not any competition. Come on, Joe. Just me and you. Where do you go from here?

Lapdog 27. It's amazing, man. It really is. I just want to help somebody else feel what I felt. Because I don't want them to have to do the things that I did to quit feeling it.

Because I'll tell you, man, it's a whole lot easier to pick up cocaine and forget about it than it is to go through counseling, go through this, go through reliving it 25 fucking times. You know, you go into counseling and they say, okay, tell us exactly how it happened. Do I really fucking want to do that? Right. Why do you want me to do that? So you can sit over there and jack off what? What's your nut on this?

Because that's what we're thinking. Right. Why do you want me to remember it? I want to fucking forget it. Tell me how to forget it. Right. Don't tell me how to remember it. I got it down.

What was ultimately the thing that allowed you to stay clean when you had faltered five or six times whatever it was what was ultimately the thing that allowed you to going to fail this time. And that came from Dallas not giving up on me. See, I was scared that he was going to give up on me. So it's almost like you were failing so that he would give up on you. So I could get that over with. Right.

I know it's going to hurt, but God damn it, I can't deal with this thought of I know it's going to hurt, but God damn it, I can't deal with this thought of how much it's going to hurt. I'd rather it hurt right now and you kick me out and then I can go over here and get something that'll make me forget

about this bullshit. So it's always hanging over your head that you're going to fuck up. And finally, when I realized, no matter how many times I fucked up,

there's some bitch that's going to be there. You know? And, again, man, three years, times I fucked up, this son of a bitch is going to be there. Again, man, three years. I don't want to live with me for three years. That's you, dude.

I texted him last night. I texted him that he's a saint. After I watched that documentary, I'm like, dude, you're a saint. He just wants to help people, man. I'm not going to sit here and hard sell this product, man. But DDP yogurt is seemingly the best fucking thing you can do for your body and your mind. He's going to have you eat good food. Diet?

There ain't no fucking diet. All we ask you to do is not eat certain shit. This, by the way, shit. He's just asking you to step off of gluten and step off dairy. Okay, what's the problem with that? Cheese. Okay, you want cheese, you can have cheese.

You can have sheep cheese and goat cheese because it don't fuck you up like cow cheese does. Well, if you look at how healthy the guy is in his 60s and how flexible he is and how mobile he is and with a fucked up back. I want a chick just like him. His back is fucked up, but he can do everything. And it's just because his muscles are so strong all around his back,

it's completely supported. It's the old story of if you don't use it, you'll lose it. Right. Yeah. From listening to him on your podcast, he talked about how he does an extreme 10 minute stretching to start his day and i've really really put that in action it's stuck with me stuff from animals he'll say now what's this dog in the morning first fucking gets up what does the dog do stretch those paws out in

front of him and arcs that back yeah then you watch dallas do his fucking workout wait a fucking minute i've seen that move for a minute. Yeah. Downward dog. And then you're doing the arch in the back like a fucking cat. What the fuck, you cheating bastard. Yeah. He's a smart man. Yeah, he is. He's a powerful man, too.

I mean, just what he has in his head in terms of his vision for helping people and how he's able to see that through. And having that accountability crib and putting everybody through these workouts on a daily basis. I mean, the amount of time invested in helping you guys is fucking amazing. And not just you guys, but many, many, many, many people. And my only fear is he's not going to get out there enough. Oh, he's getting out there. We're helping him. There's a whole other world that doesn't know him yet.

People are knowing about him more and more. You really appreciate your showing what it did for him. He said he just fucking rocked his fucking world. It's feeding that buzz. Keep going. It really is true. Doing something nice makes you feel good.

It doesn't really get talked about enough. There's not a good news channel why not right no you're right my brother wanted to see happy shit you know right there's a lot of that well you know people are scared they like watching fear-based things right because it you know if it bleeds it leads but guess what if you're hurting i don't feel so bad yeah well i think the problem is even calling it news you know it's it's events. But news is almost always negative. Yeah. Even calling it the news.

Like, what does that mean, news? What's news? This shit happened hours ago. It's not news. Every fucking day, man. This is just events. It's like the show is events. But what Dallas is doing is showing people that there's another path.

And in his yoga program and just how positive and energetic the guy is it's contagious you know and having him on the podcast man the number of fucking messages that i got afterwards of how many people that benefited and how many people started taking his program and started taking his yoga or any yoga and cleaning up their life and just inspired by it it's amazing know, that makes me very happy. When I can help a guy spread that kind of word, that makes me very happy. I mean, I just want to get out there. I've chosen this platform of doing these shows in buildings.

You know, because it wouldn't do me any good to be in a building where there's 5,000 people because I can't spend time with each one of you. Right. But if it's 100, 150, and a... Comedy club, yeah. Okay, there's going to be

five or 10 people that want to talk at 150. I got time for that. Yeah. If it was 5,000, I'd be overwhelmed. Because, not because of the show,

because the show's easy. It's just fucking memories I pull out and add some jingle to it and twirl it around, you know, say a couple of cute things, and I'm done. But getting to them, that's the deal.

That's my nut. That's where I want it. You know when it's been a good show, when I go and talk to a couple of people and I can go back to the hotel room and just like... Which is basically the opposite of how you would go back to a hotel room when you were wrestling. Yeah. Because I want to forget now. Right. Now I'm doing shit that I don't have to forget about.

And you can go back and chill. I can go back and smile, man. That's beautiful. Now I'm getting the chance. You know, I'm hoping that, you know, I've had enough miracles happen to me in the past four years to believe that there's still one more miracle left for me. And I hope to hell I meet her soon.

Because I don't want to be alone anymore, man. You see, I did something stupid, man. I'm going to tell you guys. A lot of you guys listening, a lot of you are going to say, come on, Jake, you're killing my buzz, man. Well, maybe I am, man. But I'm going to tell you something, guys.

A woman's a great thing to have, but you can't have too much. You can't have too many. I know. I experienced that. I went from a small-town kid in Gainesville, Texas, where if you got laid twice a month by two different girls, you're a stud. You're the man.

And the double standards that we have for women, if a woman goes out and gets laid, she's not a stud. She's a whore. What the fuck's wrong with that? It's us. Well, Jake went from small town to bigger city. Star.

Oh, my God, you name the price. You make it nice. Hey, girl, why don't you and your girlfriend come do a little show for me? Use this toy, that toy, this toy. Bring in the donkey. Here comes the clown. Because that's what it got to. It was never enough.

It had to be one more idea, one more goofy thing to do with a girl or one more sexual position or how many can you do in one night what'd you do with the donkey it's a joke bro we're friends we have dicks that are like in any way but other words i fucked till i couldn't fuck no more because now i got a problem what's the problem it takes some pretty weird shit to get my fucking brain busy again i went from having that diva at home that foxy hot most i could ever want to having to give my shots shots of fucking testosterone so I can pray to get a hard-on for because there's not all this outside stuff

going into the night. Are you fucking kidding me? You can't get your dick out for this hot motherfucker over here that will do anything for you to love you, everything. But it's also probably had to do with all the years of doing steroids.

I mean, well, your body doesn't produce testosterone the same anymore if you do years of steroids. Yeah, well, I can still get the wood, man. He brought us the donkey and this and the fucking wood all day long. Well, that's the extreme excitement, but that might be part of the issue. The excitement was having a door you can make him do anything you want.

That's the kink. That's not healthy. Right. That's the kink. That's very unhealthy. Right. That is the kink. Exactly.

Exactly. Power. So you got two into the kink and then regular stuff wasn't stimulating enough for you. Could not get me happy. I mean, you know, it's the old joke about the couple that are in bed going, what's wrong, honey? You can't fuck anybody else either? You know, what the fuck?

You know, you're trying to think of somebody to get your shit going. She's trying to think of somebody to get her shit going. You're both living a fucking lie. But I had to abstain from sex for several years to get the fire back. The fire is back, but nobody wants to put it out. I'm just kidding. You can find a gal.

I don't want a gal. I want a woman. He's available. Women, not girls. Girls, stay home. I want a woman. I'm going to hook you up on a date with my mom. If I can get Jake the Snake to be my stepdad, my life's complete.

If her penis is bigger than yours, I'll take her. Probably is. Okay. And she has a pet donkey. All right. Bring in the clowns. Bring in the clowns. We're going to fix that back in one moment.

You want any dating apps or anything? No, bro. I don't do that shit. No, you don't do that shit? I don't want to, man. Bring in the clowns. We're going to fix that back in one moment. Do you want any dating apps or anything? No, bro. I don't do that shit. No, you don't do that shit? I don't want to, man. I want an old-fashioned girl in an old-fashioned way. You just put it out there in the universe right now to millions of people. So what's going to happen is at your shows.

I'm going to get a lot of bullshit that I don't want. No, there's going to be these gals that think I'm the one. They're dolling their hair up right now. Listen to this podcast right now. There's girls in the mirror right now with

a blow dryer and a brush and they're getting ready for Jake the Snake. You on Instagram? Live at Nate Zaney's in Nashville. You got to check those DMs.

We got to teach you how to check your inbox. Do you check your inbox? I don't check an inbox, no. You got to be careful with the ones with the numbers after their names.

Most of those bitches are fake. If you go to their pages and there's only two photos and none of them have any text in them, don't get suckered. Don't get fished. If you've been fished, you know, they catfish you. No, no, no. You got to be real careful. They're trying to fuck with you. They're trying to get money.

They're from Nigeria. We'll help you, bro. Yeah. But listen, ladies. Why do I not feel comfortable where are your next where where do people find your gigs and uh we're going to send this out there to all the all the women all you gotta do man is actual women you know social media man uh jake the snake ddt on instagram and do you have a website well yeah i'll get a website man jake

the snake robert.com jake the snake roberts.com is there a contact website, man, jakethesnakerobbers.com. jakethesnakerobbers.com. Is there a contact thing on there? At jakethesnakerobbers.com. Prepare yourself for photographs. Just know that my daughter will read them first. Okay. Settle down, ladies. So send pictures. She doesn't read well, but she likes to look at pictures.

There it is, all bookings. There we go. jakethesnakerobbers.com. She's the best, man. She's the best. All right, brother. Listen, this is an awesome podcast. I really appreciate you coming in here.

Your film is fucking fantastic. Thank you. It's the resurrection of Jake the best. All right, brother. Listen, this is an awesome podcast. I really appreciate you coming in here. Your film is fucking fantastic. Thank you. It's the resurrection of Jake the Snake. It's fucking excellent. Diamond Dallas Page. You mean the first hour's up? We just did two hours and 20 minutes.

Are you kidding me? Yeah, flew by. Dallas. God, it goes fast when somebody's sucking your dick. Thanks, by the way. Of course. You're the man. Shout out to Dallas. He's a fucking amazing human being young tony hinchcliffe tell people where you're gonna be next uh dallas new year's eve i'm gonna be in baltimore where you at addison i'm doing uh hyenas again just did a bunch of

just did 11 packed shows uh in texas four kill tonys and five stand-up shows this week. And we're doing Dallas New Year's Eve. Me and Jeremiah Watkins featuring for me. Two shows in one night. Baltimore at McGuby's at the end of November. And those dates for England are coming up on my website probably at the end of this week. Maybe someday you and I can be in the same town and me doing a good show

and you somewhere else. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And on a positive note, he's a bad guy. That's just how it goes. I'd like to hang out with you, man. Yeah, we will. I do want to do some movies out there, remember that?

Not just porn. And I have a wrestling podcast I have to get you on we do it at the comedy store we'll do it man because uh you know i'm trying to get a deal with a club there in vegas man because i'd like to uh do the whole residency thing and beautiful and then have a podcast out live right there in the building listen man we'll help you i'll help you promote it fuck yeah we'll put it on twitter and instagram the whole deal we all need to buy a hotel first and put me into that fucking hotel doing my podcast. Well, again, we're putting it out there to the universe, ladies and gentlemen. Bring it to us.

Let's see where it comes. Thank you, sir. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much, man. Tony Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks.