The Joe Rogan Experience - #1207 - Jeff Ross & Dave Attell

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

Jeff Ross is a comedian, writer, producer, and director, also known as the “Roastmaster General.” Dave Attell is a stand-up comedian, writer and actor. Their new special "Bumping Mics " is streaming now on Netflix.

it's like old school russian three two there's something i like about the fact that you can smoke in here yeah i like that people can be relaxed thank you i had to find a comedy club to shoot our special where where dave could smoke where'd you go comedy seller the underground yeah the underground they let you smoke well i think there's like a rule where if you're a performer you can get away with it because it's a part of your routine but you get like a cabaret old like on the still on the books don't take my word for that i believe i learned that from dice while he was on stage yes i think you read that in the dice chapelle manual yeah well they just can get away with it right yeah dave's

always smoking on stage no i i don't smoke anymore but uh i'll tell you one thing that that year in between like were you not allowed to smoke on stage that was a tough year because you used to like smoking and the crowd smoking and you know it was like kind of a fun thing a punchline enhancer too right dave's you do smoke on stage. Not all the time. Towards the end of it, maybe. Not only that, but when we're on the road and we do an hour and a half, he'll pretend he's getting a phone call or something. He'll go smoke and leave me

on stage by myself. Really? Yeah, but it gives you a chance to open up a long form bit. Now you're hearing it, Joe. Now you're really hearing the whole story behind the bumping mic. Behind the bumping mic. What you... Behind the bumping mic. What do you get out of smoking on stage? It just fulfills the nicotine fix, or does it actually give you something?

Because they say... I've smoked one of Tony Hinchcliffe's cigarettes a couple of times before I went on stage, and you get, like, a pick-me-up. There's a little something. You get, like, an enhancement. I'll say right now, it definitely is a weakness that now I don't drink, don't do anything, but coffee and cigarettes, it's breathing for me. But on stage, it does focus.

It helps focus you. Legitimately, they say nicotine is actually a good nootropic. Oh, is it? Yeah, it actually enhances cognitive function. If you do a test without nicotine, then do a test with nicotine, it's non-users. It makes me nauseous

if I accidentally smoke a blunt and not just straight weed or something. Oh, really? Just tobacco. Like, Snoop handed me something the other day, and I thought it was all pop, but there was tobacco in there. These things are the shit.

What is it? These blunts. I can deal with it on the paper. Jamie, where'd you get these? This company, Hollywood's. These are the shit. These are my favorite. I'll have to check them out.

Charlie Murphy got me into these things back in the day because he would roll them himself. He would get those Swisher Sweets and he would tear them apart and then he'd put the weed inside of it and roll it up. Yeah, old school. And then Chappelle got me into it again because I smoked one with him one day

at the back of the Comedy Store. I was like, damn, this is a weird high. What is it like? You get a buzz. It's like you're a little bit high, but you're also a little bit buzzy from the tobacco. I like it. I'm a fan.

Whatever it takes to make the jokes fly, bro. No. Whatever they were smoking when they made your jacket. Dave will smoke a cigarette right before we go on, and I'll take like one hit of weed right before we go on, and we meet in the middle. Yeah. One hit's good. One hit before. Yeah.

Not too much. Okay. Yeah. Have you gone too much before? No. This guy? Not in a long, long, long, long hit's good. One hit before. Yeah, not too much. Okay. Yeah, have you gone too much before? No. Not in a long, long, long, long time. Yeah, you feel like, I'd like one more, but ooh, that's a dangerous, dangerous decision. Yeah, you want to stay a little quick.

Coffee, though. I need coffee before I go. Yeah. Red Bull will make me too, like, jumpy and nervous, but coffee will get my brain working just a little bit quicker than the audience's. Did you guys do this one time as a goof and then start touring with it, or did you just put the idea together? What made you decide to work together like this?

It all started out just late night at the Comedy Cellar where I'd be on stage and I would just see Jeff in the room and I would bring him up, and then we would just throw down, down basically and have a great time. And, you know, we kept doing it and doing it and people actually would, you know, like they wanted to see it. It became like this kind of like, are you guys going to go up together? They would always ask us, are you guys going up together? Would you get the next mic going?

You know, that kind of thing. How it really, when I started living in LA or not even when I started, but in the last few years, I'd come back to New York. I have an apartment in Greenwich Village near the Comedy Cellar. And, you know, it's like cheers. Everyone knows your name. You land. Instead of going to my empty apartment, I'll go, let's see who's at the cellar, get something to eat.

And I'd start booking my flights where I'd land around midnight. Dave would inevitably have the 1 a.m. spot. And I just wanted to get my ya-ya's out. And he would just bring me up and he'd sit by the piano and i would goof off or i'd sit by the piano and he would tell jokes and we started setting each other up and organically our friends started popping up with us or people from the audience or whatever bachelorette party and we just started making an act out of it without even realizing it yeah it was like, it was a lot of fun,

in the beginning especially, because he really kept me on my toes. Listening is the hardest thing, listening on stage. Because once you're up there alone, locked in, you control all facets of the performance. But when there's another person up there, especially Jeff and I,

we have so many different skill sets. So like, it was really cool to like work off of him. It brought up my game a bit. It definitely made me quicker and faster and funnier to have to like, you know, really pretty much roll with it, you know?

And I think that the crowd dug that too. It was like a different energy than just straight up like a showcase, you know? The one thing that you would do on a podcast that you wouldn't normally do on stage, which is look at someone else. Right. And it took me a long time, and I think I could speak for Dave, too. A million arguments on looking at each other.

Whether or not to. It's like sports. If you look at somebody, you're never going to not catch that ball. But when you're wondering what the other guy's doing, and you're kind of going like this, but when I, it's like we connect now. And instead of doing like in tandem, one at a time jokes, we do jokes together. That's hard.

Like that's a weird thing where like you see twins, where twins will do an act and one guy will do the setup and the other guy do the punchline and then they do a double punchline together. We're hoping for that one day. Too coordinated. I feel like it's

one plus one equals three. Two headliners get together by choice, not by necessity. Yeah, yeah. And then Dave, it took a lot. Dave did not want to go to Montreal. We went up to the comedy festival and I basically begged him.

To do it together? I saw it mostly as just like a fun thing to do. It's a hobby. At the cellar. Yeah, like it was just like a cool, like, you know, basically like just let it all hang out. But Jeff saw like, I guess, the next step to it. I always just thought it was something that

if the comics wanted to see it that bad, and then more and more comics wanted to come on stage with us, and then more and more, like, Jim Carrey came to one of our shows in Montreal. And all the headliners started popping up with us. And I thought, oh, this is more than just us as a hobby. Like, this is something that no one else is really doing. I got really into it really quick.

And I tried to call it Bumping Mics. And Dave was like, no. I go, what? He's like, it's two on the nose. I go, well, that's good for a title. We don't have any other structure to our show. By the way, we don't rehearse. He has a flip phone.

I can't even talk to him before the show. We don't have any plan whatsoever. It's pretty stressful, Joe. Why do you have a flip phone? Why? I'm trying to stay off the grid, dude. You saw me with the sword in front of the flag. I'm ready to go. I'm trying to stay off the grid, dude. Yeah? You saw me with the sword in front of the flag. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to be activated. No, I'll tell you this.

Bumpy Mikes is the best title for it. Jeff is really a good producer and all those different things, all the skill sets I don't have. Like, he's a producer, he knows show business, all those different things. But, like, I was like, we should have, like, really, like, workshopped some other names, like two Costellos looking for an Abbott.

Nichols and May I. But there's other teams out there. I'm not going to say there aren't. But the thing is that we're not really a team. We both have our separate stuff. But when we get together, it's like this kind of almost like within 48 hours, we're a team again. So have our separate stuff. But when we get together, it's like this almost like within 48 hours, we're a team

again. So it's really difficult. But I think we rock out in certain situations. I want to go through it with you because you've done every venue now. You've done outdoor. You've done theater. You've done casino. I think we are one of the best casino acts. I'll say it right now. I think we really are. I think in a casino, we

take it to the level that needs to be, especially in a D-level casino. I'm talking like, you're like hoping. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're hoping for like one of those electric poker things. Foxwoods. Yeah. Well, Foxwoods, we do rock there. Foxwoods is pretty nice.

Dave likes the casinos because, again, they let him smoke. In the elevator. Those are my people. Right. That's true about casinos because, again, they let him smoke. Yeah. In the elevator. Those are my people. Right. That's true about casinos, right? But it's also a very bawdy audience, and you can say anything, and you don't have to hold back at all. Jeff is fearless. I have a filter up, but he is fearless.

He really is. Actually, Pachanga is that place in Temecula, right? Yeah. That place is actually nice. What am I thinking of? I'm thinking of... We'll play it. What's that one on the five? What's that fucking place on the five?

The Playboy one? Rudy Moreno used to... Oh, the Hustler Casino. That's what it is. That would be great. We just did one like... Bethlehem PA. That's our best one, dude.

I love that. Which one? You know the one? It's an old steel mill, but now it's a casino in Bethlehem. In Pennsylvania? Yeah. Lehigh, I think it is. Bethlehem.

We always have our best shows there. Yeah, we really do. The crowd is so excited to see us. You're fucking there, Yeah. Lehigh, I think it is. Bethlehem. We always have our best shows there. Yeah, we really do. The crowd is so excited to see us. You're there, man. That was our first road show ever. Wilkes-Barre. Yeah. Those weird road gigs.

And the one we were going to cancel, but we never canceled in Utah or something. We did the Oklahoma run. That one, Oklahoma. Yeah. You guys did an Oklahoma run? Yeah. No, he did. I did one.

I did one casino and then I drove through this crazy storm to the next one. Oklahoma, man, you can drive as fast as you want. They don't give a fuck? They don't care. Montana didn't even have speed limits.

Isn't that cool? They just had to impose speed limits within the last decade or two because of the federal government. They said, look, we're not going to fix your fucking roads

unless you tell people they can't go 150 miles an hour. I love it. That's Montana, though. Burr says that Oklahoma's fucking amazing. Yeah, we had a good show there. He said Tulsa was fantastic. Yeah, I want to play there for sure.

But I was playing in the casinos, and then I met Jeff at this one. It's like right on the border of Texas. And Seinfeld plays there. Thackerville. Yeah, Seinfeld plays there. Thackerville, Oklahoma. That's the town it's in, yeah. And it was like a rough week.

Seinfeld goes to Thackerville. Yeah. Really? He's got. Thackerville, Oklahoma. That's the town it's in, yeah. And it was like a rough, one of those rough weeks. Seinfeld goes to Thackerville. Yeah. Really? But, you know, he's got it down to his science, man. You know, fly in, fly out, that kind of thing. You know, we're embedded. Fly in that night, fly out that night. I guess if you have a nice life and a nice house.

But I like going and looking around the local places and eating the local fare. I still kind of love that. Well, he's in that weird place, too, where I don't think he can go places. Yeah, that's true. If he's walking down the street, you're like, holy shit, it's Seinfeld. Yeah. It's got to be weird.

Joe, that's what we do after the show because we're both a little older now. We really eat. That's what we do. We really enjoy it. Do you like steaks and stuff? Yeah. Oh, dude, you should hang with us

because we really go. He doesn't eat cow steaks. I eat cow steaks, too. He eats like wolf steak and shit. I would eat a wolf steak and stuff. That's why he was late.

He was giving kids their elk breakfast. My kids eat elk. They really do. Well, we'll eat it. It's delicious. I need to set up a kitchen here

and cook for you guys. Oh, that would be great. It's fucking fantastic. Kids, eat your Elkios for breakfast. If you ate it, you'd want to get it more. Really? Yeah.

What does it taste like in the meat scale? Like a bison. A little bit more unusual. Better than venison. How do you cook it? Better than deer venison. Slowly on a pellet grill, and then I sear it on the outside at the end. Wow.

So your Thanksgiving must be out of control, huh? Well, this year, no This year we just did the normal turkey thing Put a turkey in a deep But he caught it with his own hands That's true On the roof of the studio We did that peanut oil thing

Where you deep fry it in peanut oil Makes it better Yeah Yeah, but it's like, it's a scam How did you learn to do all this stuff? Every time I meet you, you have two other skills. How do you do this stuff? You're pretty busy.

I need things to occupy my brain. I just have one of those brains. The only way I'm at peace is if I have a bunch of difficult shit that I do all the time. Constantly challenging yourself. I have to. That's how my brain works. Everybody has their own weird kink. My kink is I need to be exhausted.

Wow. Like that's for your brain itself. It needs to be fed. My brain needs shit to do. It needs things to concentrate on. If I don't have things to concentrate on, things that are really difficult, I start playing tricks on myself. You mean mental or physical? Both.

Both, mental and physical. You get depressed. I have to have both. How do you handle the time management with family and career? Get up early. Get up early. So this morning

I was up at 6.30. Kids go to school. They're leaving the house by 7. I take the dog running. I'm gone for two hours. Then I come back, get a bunch of shit

done at the house, then come over here. Wow. Then hang out with you guys for a few hours Then I'm going to lift Then I'm going to go to the store And do a couple sets

Have a good time So you're doing like a 16 hour day there, right? Well yeah, but the thing is The way it works really good with me With family Is that most of the stuff I'm doing Either while my kids are at school Or while my kids are asleep

So by the time I leave I have a 10 o'clock spot at the store They're already asleep right they go to bed at like 8 30 how old are they now the youngest ones are 8 and 10 okay yeah so it's they're it's a they go to bed you know they get up at like 6 30 they go to bed at like 8 30 you know so that's perfect time for me then you got your own yeah when's the last time you just quit something in the middle? It was like, fuck it, I can't figure this out. Like what? A bit, a routine.

Sometimes bits, you just got to abandon them and come back to them in a couple of weeks or a couple months or a year. A couple of years. Sometimes, yeah. Everybody has that one great beginning of a bit, and they're like, where does this go? And then you just keep throwing it out, throwing it out, throwing it out. That's the cool thing with Jeff is that, like, you know, we both bring material up on stage. But at the end of the day, it's the stuff that just comes to us, like that, you know, in the moment stuff, especially with the audience. That's the stuff that I really think, you know, we should give a shout out to Andrew, the director.

Of course. For capturing all that. Jeff's friend who is now one of the best directors out there, man. He really, you know, once again, it was Jeff's choice, and he did the job and then some. I mean, it's so good, the way he put it all together. And you guys have, it's more than just you guys going on

stage. There's a bunch of other stuff happening. There's a bunch of people who drop by. It's a three-episode series. Oh, really? Docu-series. So, I don't know if you saw the jinx on HBO about Robert Durst. No, I never watched that. It's a phenomenal documentary. I've heard.

My buddy Andrew Jarecki directed that. He also directed Capturing the Freedmen years ago. It was an Oscar-nominated documentary. What was that about? That was about a family of convicted, actually, child molester math science teachers in Long Island. Oh, I remember that. Based on a short that he did about a party clown whose family wound up being implicated in this crazy controversy.

Oh, that's right. That's right. Oh, that was him, huh? Yeah. Wow. And Andrew and I are tight, and Dave and I were sort of going back and forth on who could sort of direct us, who would know our moves but yet have the experience,

and Dave doesn't like anybody that's too hip. I just want to, I like it straight ahead. That's what I thought of Andrew. I like it straight ahead, and I also think some of these comedy specials are over-directed, so I didn't want to fall into this whole, like, you know, instead of lighting the stage,

you guys hold lanterns, you know, like that kind of thing you know you bump lanterns and then we'll have you know like that kind of thing like you know that'll be the essence of the humor that could happen too yeah exactly so but uh he really he really was cool and he really was patient and he really like brought a lot of things outside of i know my wheelhouse you know it's a collaboration which is another thing you're not used to doing when you do your own special. Like, you know, you're like, hey, I want to do it this way. I've been doing it this way, and I want it that way. But when you have other voices in the room and, you know, other ideas, then, you know, you've got to, like, pretty much mesh it together into something that, you know, pretty much, I guess, captures the spirit of it and also, like, hopefully the funny of it, you know?

Well, if you you got that guy as your director i mean that's fucking incredible it looks cool and he also understood our personalities and our friendship you know i've been chasing dave my whole career i always i was an open mic or i would go watch dave or you know i always thought like if no one's gonna make it in our crew until dave makes it d Dave was always the one that everybody came to watch. Even when Ray Romano was popping on TV, he would go down to watch Dave until, you know, riff. And, you know, my first TV spot was a seven-hour train ride with Dave to, like, Canada, you know, when we were really young. I've heard three versions of this story, Joe.

What's the first version? No, it's like Canada or Syracuse. No, it was Canada. It was Hamilton, Canada, whatever. We took a train from there. Anyway, I'm just saying Hamilton, it's called. Isn't that in Ontario? I guess so.

But I'm just saying, Dave is my favorite comic. I didn't know that until we really started working together I consider him I consider him contemporary yeah but does he

weird you out he's like you're his favorite comic a little bit you know to be honest yeah but no

I see I see Jeff as like beyond unique like there's nobody like him and what he does and what he is able to do

is really it's really it's not only fun to watch, but it's really like, you know, you're a self starter. He's a self starter. Like it's great to see self starters who find success because it really is

difficult to like take something and like make it not only, uh, financially successful, but also like something that, that we all respect and love, you know? And that's, you know,

I'd say the roasting thing that Jeff really pretty much has rebranded into like, you know and that's you know i'd say the roasting thing that jeff really pretty much has rebranded into like you know every every possible way you can do it is always good because he's behind it you know when it's not when it's not really with him then you're like i'm not so sure there's other people who are really good at it too but i'm just saying that like you know that is when you know uh we're on the road and people will scream out the car door, it's the Roastmaster. I mean, I had my insomniac time, but he 20, 30 times that in terms of recognition.

I mean, it's just amazing. It is weird that you're synonymous with roasts. Yeah. I mean, if people say roast, they think Jeff Ross. I earned it because when people laughed at me and thought, oh, that's a dead art, it's a lost art,

it's antiquated, it's corny, it's old guys. I stuck by it and said no. It's alternative comedy. No one's doing it. I get to hang with legends like Buddy Hackett and Milton Berle. And I stuck to it because and there was a

time where I was embarrassed. Like oh, I'm going to be pigeonholed as the roast guy. Were you embarrassed? I don't know if embarrassed is the right word. Uncomfortable? Yeah, because you're like, well, I want to be more than that. When was this around? This was probably 10 years ago.

And I was in Vegas, Chappelle again, words of wisdom. He's like, dude, that's your lane. Make that a five-lane highway and ride it. And that's kind of what I started doing, started really owning it and loving it. And to the credit of the world, as we became more pussies in the world, like roasting became more and more potent and important. Yeah. And the world needs to develop thick skin. And important.

Yeah. And the world needs to develop thick skin. And I think roasting honors people. And it's done with love. But it also kind of toughens us up a little bit. I think it's of the time. When I came back to the comedy store, the first thing I came back to watch was Roast Battle. Yeah.

And I hadn't really known. I'd heard, but I didn't really know where it was. Right. I remember that night. I remember that night really well, because I remember thinking, holy shit, this is so mean, but so funny. It is. Sometimes I'm like, whoa, you guys go deep. But really good.

We were at the other club, the improv, sure. Thanks. That's got tobacco, though. I'll take a little bit. I'll take a real small. Tobacco leaf. The leaf I can deal with. All right, deal with it.

It doesn't have any inside. Is my company going to crumble because of this? Am I going to get audited by NASA? I'll take a real small. Tobacco leaf. The leaf I can deal with. All right, deal with it. How about. It doesn't have any inside. Is my company going to crumble because of this? Am I going to get audited by NASA? It pumped him up. He went down, but then he went back up. Tesla went down, and then it went up. Really?

Went down 6%, then it went up 9%. The studio still smells a little musky. But that night when I walked in there, I remember thinking, this is a joke writing thing. This isn't just as simple as... The art of the insult. Yeah, but it's joke writing. And one of the things I love about Roast Battle is how Moses makes everybody hug at the end of it. It's very cool.

Well, I started judging it and people were pushing each other and screaming at each other. And I wrote the rules of roast battle. Original material only. No physical contact. Yeah, that's scary. And every battle ends with a hug. I've seen that with rap battles where guys punch each other in the face. Rap battles are like the way more mean version of roast battle.

Those fucking guys. I've seen some just horrible horrible shit people say to each other and moses like he owns that that that that circus yeah you got to admire the fact that he can week after week make that work you know one of the reasons why it works he's so likable like brian is such a nice guy the best best. He's such a good-hearted, sweet person. We were at the improv that night. You hadn't been at the comic store in years and years and years and years. And I don't know all the details, and it never really was part of my...

And you were asking me about Roast Battle, or somebody started asking me about it in front of you. And I saw you getting curious, and you were getting more curious curious and you were maybe a little homesick for the comedy store who knows and i said come on let's go jump in my car and you're like i'll meet you there and you sat up on the balcony where the judges sit and you hadn't been in the belly room in five years maybe who knows and seven seven years and you're sitting there and moses does a double take and he's too afraid. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't really know you.

You haven't been back there. You haven't been in the store. And finally, I say, comedy store legend, back after a long time, say hi to Joe Roach. Real low-key intro. And I've been in that room a lot for Roast Battle. I never heard anything like this place reverberated. I thought we were going to fall into the main room and it was it that was it you've been back every day since well i had to go

back too because ari was filming his comedy central special there the next night it's one of the reasons why i had to go to roast battle i love him i really love him there's no way i was going to miss a special i was like i have to. I don't want to go there the night of his special. Let me just go there a day early. So I went there a day early. And you wound up judging Roast Battle on Comedy Central. You're part of your royalty over there. That was when Earl Skakel came out shirtless with a fucking gold chain with a fur coat on.

To this day, that was one of the greatest entrances i've ever seen anybody take on stage and he fucking murdered too i mean he was on fire on fire it's like the art of the insult you might not be the strongest headlining act but if you can put five jokes together you can take somebody down but here's the question why is it that so many people excel at that, especially young comics, but they can't seem to figure out a way to generate that kind of energy during a regular set? It's different. I think they don't get the stage time. I think that's really what it is.

There's a lot of that, for sure. This is their moment, so they throw all in. But can I say, as an outsider, since I never was really a West Coast comic like you guys, is that the Comedy Store, from back in the day to before the roast battling, to the roast battle, like an amazing difference. I remember walking in there and it was like a haunted house. You're like, where is everybody? What's going on?

Sam Kinison played here? And then you go on stage and it was like 12 tourists in the room and then a bunch of comics in the back. And then after the Rose Battle, the energy, you could just see it just went out through the roof. It was the place to hang. When you're in town, you want to go by the store and just check it out and go on stage. The crowds there became way better. And I think that you were part of that, of really help re-energizing that club.

100%. That's what I felt. That's what I felt when I went back. I was like, this is a different place. Even Lil Rel Howery said there's no other comedy competition where other comics come to watch. Yeah, true. 100%. And cheer on their friends or kind of roll their eyes at the ones that they don't want to win.

And there's a fraternity there. I feel like comedians, and I feel like we're a cult in a weird way. Sometimes I feel like I'm a comedian before I'm even an American. Like, I meet comedians from all over the world, and I feel like I know them my whole life. Yeah. And Roast Battle is now international. Yeah. That's a great story.

It really is a movement like that, where it was sort of a corny thing that nobody really understood, the roasting. I couldn't even try out roast jokes when I first started. It was like so mean. If I would stand there with a piece of paper and read 10 William Shatner jokes, people would be like, oh, he's so mean. You were doing that one night at the improv. I'm trying to remember who you were practicing for. But people were like, oh, oh. But the same people that would be at the roast they'd be

dying right it's hard to put yourself in that roast mindset like when you go to see the roast mindset it's like going to see a fight yeah so if you went to see a fight and you knew you're going to go see a fight you could handle the fact that fight was going on but if you just show up at the movies and two people start head kicking each other, you're like, holy shit, what the fuck are you doing? Stop. It's like we can agree to horrific shit if we just know it's going to take place in advance. I guess there's part of that. And it is a sport, roasting is a sport.

It's definitely a game because there's strategy involved. It's not just jokes. It's like you're trying to disarm someone's material towards you maybe. Like sometimes guys will go at themselves first and then go at their opponent like in the same joke. But they're already sort of – it's very smart. People are being clever with it because they've been doing it for a few years now. So they've seen people bomb. They've seen people murder.

There's strategies like any other sport. Yeah. And you punch back and you have your retort ready. Yes. And there's all kinds of other little things like maybe don't mention the obvious thing until the end and then you're going to. Sure. Yeah.

I don't want to give too many secrets away but the better roast battles battlers will study the game tape if you will and figure all this stuff out and you know five jokes i mean you it's not easy no it's not easy if you trip or stumble can you recover tony henscliff's a goddamn assassin at that shit yeah best that motherfucker he's an assassin at roasts he's got an evil little black spot in his heart that he likes to open up whenever those roasts come out those jokes are vicious and clean and tight but i i've generationally it doesn't it's not something we do off the top of our head i mean if, if you can do that also. Yep. But Tony takes it seriously, and it's like, like I say, it's an art. Yes.

That's also the skill of joke writing, which is like, in today's world of more storytelling and all that kind of stuff, that it's few and far between where you actually see, like, somebody could put together a couple of jokes in a row, and you're like, wow, that was a great run. You know? Like, everybody has one good joke, and then, like, you know, maybe a couple of jokes in a row and you're like wow that was a great run you know like everybody has one good joke and then like you know maybe a couple of tags but like to actually have a great run you know that's the thing that always excites me about comedy and when he'll tell you like when we work together he'll go what new stuff do you have and like we'll just throw it up there and

like i'll try and um you know basically work it out on stage because i know it's not like one of my own bits like a formed bit yet it's like something that I can work with him. And that's fun, too. That also opens your mind to a whole other world of joke writing. Sure. Especially you're doing it right next to another comic. That's how we start. That's amazing.

It's difficult. We always start by talking about each other. Dave looks like an umpire during a rain delay. I'm actually wearing the same stuff right now on the special. Jeff mixes it up a bit. It's easier for me. Dave, that outfit makes a statement. What is it?

That's a very clear Dave Attell outfit. This is it, man. Low key. Makes a statement. Flip phone. What is it? I know how to delete a hard drive. I do.

I do creep it up. Why do you still have a... You still didn't answer about the flip phone. Why do you have a flip phone? Well, I like the flip phone. You don't get distracted with the web because it takes forever to get the web on there but uh it's just i don't know i don't really like technology i don't like the web i feel like um you know there's something about the virtual experience and the live experience that like we're really in that world now of like coming to see someone live is getting harder and harder,

but they'll know all your clips on YouTube. I don't know. Don't you think more people are going to see people live than ever before? Well, Joe, not me. I think if there's any reason for that at all, it's definitely not your act. It's got to be content.

Brilliant. No, it's your lack of connection with the internet. Yeah. If you were connected more with the internet, more people would be going to see you. I'm not a good promoter. I 100% believe that. I 100% believe that. It's hard to talk complimentary about someone when they're right in front of you.

You're brilliant as a joke writer. You're one of the most prolific I know. One of the most clever that I know. But you're also, you have less ego than anyone I've ever met in my life. You're like some weird fucking Tibetan monk dude that's been sitting up in some cave somewhere. I mean, you're one of the best comics ever,

in my opinion. Wow. You're so low-key. It freaks people out sometimes. I'm all about the, I really love the hang, like he was saying like the the cult of the comics like i was hanging and like coming from you dude that's like extra

special so he doesn't even like to get recognized i hate it yeah i don't like any of that stuff that's why i think i've did i think there's a correlation you're you it's my own self-hate no but you also have more bandwidth for what you're doing your stand-up No, but you also have more bandwidth for what you're doing, your stand-up. It's a good mixture because you've obviously been really successful with staying in this groove, particularly after you stopped drinking and everything, too. Yeah, yeah. You're in this tight groove.

I'm present. Yeah. That's what I can say. Dude, your set at the improv that I saw was about six months. We were at the improv together, something like that, five or damn that was funny shit really fun you know it's funny like when you talk about the like I love there's no harder fan now than your fans I mean like they know comedy they know a lot of things and they totally respect the art form and like the craft of it and that's thanks to you and you're out there doing it it's not like you know it's like back in the day I was a And you're out there doing it. It's not like, you know, it's like back in the day,

I was a comic. You're out there every night doing it. You go on the road. So it's like you're talking from now, not from like the past. And you get it how like, I feel like the web stuff helps and hurts comedy to some degree,

but it probably helps more than I'm giving it credit because it really did connect to people. It really did connect with more people. you know, I think it helps or hurts I think there's always been shit comedy and there's always sure that are doing really well And there's always been inspiring people and there's always been thieves There's always been all the sure the bad things that exist now But what now it is it's like there way more people can find you and those people it does It's like way more people can find you, and those people, it does translate into clubs and seats.

They do want to come out. And the thing about the show, the reason why this works is because we can all talk about it in a way that a person who doesn't do it can still understand it. Sure. They can go, oh, these guys, this is what, you know, you could be into whatever the fuck it is. Rebuilding muscle cars, playing chess, whatever the fuck it is that you're into when people get really into something there's a very similar thing that happens when you get together with other people that are also really into it and really good at it and you go how do you are you i'm always asking like do you write it out right like what do you do do you just work it out on stage do you how much time do you spend alone with the bit and how much time do you spend how time do you spend Because a lot of guys don't like to do anything

Outside of write little tiny bullet points And then let it all express itself Naturally on stage Some of the best guys ever So it's hard to say what's right or what's wrong There's a lot of work to comedy that people don't get Which is the writing But it's also the listening to yourself

Like taping and listening That's the thing I have not been doing lately we worked on this thing i'm working on other stuff and it's like that is the thing where when i go back and go like you know when i was really hardcore into the into like you know material turning an hour that was the thing where it's like you almost have to like like you told me you have that tank that's where like go in there with your act like especially like a hard show on a Friday late show and listen to it. That to me is like a form of torture. To hear all the bits that don't work.

Late shows on Friday, right? I disagree. He's very optimistic. I'm very pessimistic. You're optimistic. He really is super optimistic. I love Friday late shows. I like the active audience. It fuels me. I feel like a lion tamer

up there. And when Dave's beside me, I'm indestructible. It's probably a really good kind of show for people that don't want to be quiet, too. Yeah. Don't want to yell out. Yeah. Get rowdy. We drag people on stage. We dice them up. We go into the crowd. We do all those different things that, like,

you know, I'll say it. I'll say it. There's a lot of things that we do are, like, old school comedy in terms of, like, old school hockey. Like, it's just no longer done. It's, like, you could say it might be a little cheesy, a little this, a little that. But at the end of the day, it's just inappropriate, fun, silly, like, move to the next bit. Like, remember we were looking in the edit and I go, hey, I got to tell you there's, like, 100 punchlines in this thing. Like, remember we were looking in the edit and I go, hey, I got to tell you there's like 100 punchlines in this thing. So even if like, you know, the law of average is like, you know, turtles swimming into the ocean.

If only like seven are great. That's still a lot for a Netflix special. I mean, honestly. By the way. I'm not patting ourselves on the back, but I am. I'm just like, that's pretty good. Our show is the episodes are three episodes. It's Friday.

Well, the first one's called Friday. There's Saturday and Sunday. There are three nights. Oh, wow wow and i love that friday crowd we had like nikki glazer amy schumer rachel feinstein michelle wolf you talk about all the people that showed because we really like jeff called in these like amazing people saying gilbert was hilarious gilbert was he completed us you know what i'm talking about Like he was the third piece of this like ancient like scroll. Like once we found that I was like

where has he been? Gilbert is the thing because both of us like yeah that is the best one. That's the episode two. Gilbert's a savage. Yeah I mean he's What do you think of Gilbert

like if okay like your kids or whatever. No I'm trying to think of like if you were like 16 years old what would you think of Gil? Like, he's so out of their, like, wheelhouse in terms of, like, what is that?

I mean, I think he's classic. I think he's, like, there's nobody. I think I probably would have liked him. I think I probably would have thought he was really funny when I was 16. When I was 16, I was really getting into stand-up. Yeah. Oh, no. My parents took me to see Live in the Sunset Strip when I was 14, I guess.

It was out in the movie theater. Well, when I first discovered Gilbert, he was on the MTV Awards imitating Dice. So to me, he was not the hero comic. He was the guy that made fun of the hero comic. Right, right. But he was always... People would talk about him in interviews. He was always revered by other comedians.

He's a guy that's always been... He he's a wild man, like a legit wild man. He murdered on our show. Standing O. We got a standing O. I'm sure. We have friends from our life in the audience. My aunt and his family and Bruce Willis is there and he does a bit with us. But I had my friend Craig Moss from high school in the audience with his wife and kids.

And Dave starts walking around the village underground looking for my guest list, Craig Moss. Where's Craig Moss? So finally, Dave starts goofing on this guy who's just in the audience. Yeah, it was a long walk for him. And I jump in and go, you know, Craig, when my parents died,

Craig was my best friend in a new town. So I'm explaining to the audience and Dave who this guy is and how much he did for me as a young man. And then Gilbert jumps up out of the audience and just screams. He doesn't even need a microphone. He's like, when my parents were alive, Craig came over and killed them. He just has perfect timing. He never... He does, yeah.

He's just, his delivery... He's an animal. No filter with him. And that's the beauty of him. Like, you know, I'm always like, I don't know how they're going to take... He's like, boom, that's it. I think kids would love him.

I'm going to say it three times, you know? Yeah. The kids who love comedy would love him, you know? But I was 16 i mean i i i would listen to everything i always like a mix of like different types of comics like that episode bob saget and hassan minaj are the other guests that's right at one point we're all up there together and you these are guys who might not even know each other in real life but the comedy kind of brings it together that That's awesome, man.

It's like a party mixed with a roast, mixed with a, I don't even know, Dave. No, it's really cool, because Jeff's family, like wherever we would go on the road, Jeff's family would be like, can I get your comps? Because I've got like three third cousins here. I didn't know there were Jews in Oklahoma,

but evidently there were five distinct, 23 and me people out there for me. And I was like, it was funny to see because I'm really a lone wolf. Like I'm on the road alone. You know, I go out there, I do my thing. And Jeff really does like, he's very inclusive with his family. So I give him a lot of credit for that. Like, you know, they're all invited, you know, come hang out in the green room and all that

kind of stuff. So that's cool. And he brought that on stage, like, with your aunt. I thought that was, like, one of the best moments of the whole show, you know? We bring up my aunt. The first episode is my aunt, Bruce Willis, Michelle Wolf, Amy Schumer, Nikki Glaser, Rachel Fein. So it's, like, a weird mix of – but you know what? Just to say one more thing about Dave and the flip phone and, like, how the process works,

Dave is also the most, like you say, present, but also informed. He knows all the references. He knows what's going on in the world. So he's not like he's living in a caveman under the ground. Yeah, no, I keep my eye out there. So what do you do? Do you read newspapers? I have a raven sent me the most important news from Westeros.

He's in the back reading and really getting in touch with the world and the audience. He's the first one to say, oh, we're in Vegas. Let's talk about this that's going on in Vegas. Let's talk about that that's going on in Vegas. He'll say it on stage to me. He'll bring up all this relevant stuff where I'm the son of a caterer. I'm more about this live experience, who in the audience who's here i like keeping it to like that's that show and i think you agree with it it's like you'll agree with it too it's like each show is its own thing right so it's like you know the fact that it's always like some guy

taping in the back you're like dude why are you doing that because this is your experience right now and you know you know like stanhope who is my favorite comic doug stanhope is like he was the first guy that that like we both talked about like this whole thing of like why do people think that like you know capturing this show is like important and like you know they're also disposable it's like beautiful like fireworks you know it's like it's never gonna it's never gonna happen again like that you know so you might as well just like soak it all in instead of trying to capture it and i i think when when we talk about like topical stuff i do that for like as a joke writing thing but also as a like keeping the act alive because i feel like my job in this team is to push it forward like you know

it's like okay jeff what else is happening like to keep moving it otherwise we we can we can always get into a loop of like you know just putting each other down or like working the crowd so i like to keep moving it otherwise we we can we can always get into a loop of like you know just putting each other down or like working the crowd so i like to move it forward and i think that the uh the cool thing about that is that like it does it does move forward to an end you know people are making those videos they're not making those videos to look back on them they're making those videos so that other people could see it right that's the difference between today and the past are you for that are you or against it yeah i. That's the difference between today and the past. Are you for that or against it? Yeah, I'm not.

I'm neither. I think your personal experience is going to be better if you just watch it. Okay. But I'm not you. Maybe you just get more of a jolly off of filming a clip and putting that clip on Facebook and then getting a million downloads. Yeah. I just know that when I go to a place and I'm working on new material, I want it to be figured out

and then put it on the way I want it. But I totally understand what you're saying, which is like it's an open world now and it's just like the idea of controlling is like an antiquated idea. But I think that for me at least as the joke writer, it's like I just want it to where it's going to be and then get it out.

I totally understand. And I completely agree. I think if we established an etiquette. And most comedy clubs say you can't film. There's a reason for that. Yeah, that's great. I don't know what. I have a bit right now that I'm working on.

I've only done it twice. And it's all over the fucking place. If I somehow or another released it, like if I had to do a Netflix special tomorrow and I had to do that bit, I'd be fucked. I'd be like, what is this?

This malformed, gelatinous, preposterous. Yeah, you're working on it. Form of a joke. Yeah. But sick,

I know for a fact that six months from now, there's fruit in this. I know the subject is, there's something to it. Yeah. I need to figure out what that something is, and it's going to take a while and it's going to be a lot of missteps yeah there's just no way around it and the only way for us to do this is like if you're a musician i'm sure it feels awesome to practice in front of a crowd but you can practice

at home like you can actually get the band together and play the whole song we can't do that i'm glad you brought that up because people always bring music as like you know it get the band together and play the whole song we can't do that i'm glad you brought that up because people always bring music as like you know it's kind of like music i'm like it's kind of not like music the audience it's not like music at all if anything i i really you know talk about like self-hate for a long time i'm like how come like my bits don't rock like within six months and i'm like you know then then I started like directors and writers and whatever. Everybody has first drafts. Everybody has it.

And like the best people have multiple drafts. And it's the same thing with a joke where it's like it'll work and then it won't work and then you'll change a line and then it'll work better and then it won't. And you're feeling it out. You're feeling out the bit. You and your head are filling in the holes that you only can see because it's you're the creator. And I love that process, but it also is terrifying. You know, it really is. Like where is it going to go? You and your head are filling in the holes that you only can see because you're the creator. And I love that process, but it also is terrifying.

It really is. Like, where is it going to go? But basically saying, okay, that's finished now because it got like a little laugh. You're like, I'm not satisfied. There's something more to this. Yeah, but you have a real issue with this because Dave will get a joke. Yes. Sure, he's the creator and he knows where the holes in his own material are. Go ahead.

But no one is more connected to him than me watching the process. Especially when we're on tour and doing a week of shows. We know each other's moves and we see how it develops. He'll finally get a joke, not where it's killing, where it's like a showstopper. Like, kill it! Like, what do we do now? Where I run around a circle, like the joke's hitting so hard that we have to do something while they're laughing.

You know, take a sip, or sometimes we'll just roll around on the floor. And I'll destroy it. And then the next night, I'll go, Dave, what's your workout routine? I'll give him a softball layup to go close the show with this joke, and he'll look at me like I'm speaking another language.

He'll just be like, in his eyes, fuck you, Jeff. I'm not repeating myself night to night. And he'll deconstruct and completely rearrange the same joke. I will turn that funny into a boring couch. I'll key that joke into a snooze fest. But isn't that also the mindset that keeps you present

while you're doing the bit? Yep. It keeps him present. It keeps me aggravated. Yeah, no, yeah. It's like, I really am letting down the team there.

It's like, feed me, feed me. And I'm like, no. But I think that's the cool of it. I also like have a problem with

if a joke works continuously. Some way I'm like, there's something wrong with that attack. Yeah, but then we go to shoot a Netflix special and you're not using your aim material. have a problem with if a joke works continuously. Some way I'm like, there's something wrong with that attack. I know it's wrong. We shoot a Netflix special and you're not using your A material. No, I am.

Dude, I think of the jokes as children. I gave up a lot of my firstborn there. Yeah, the ugly ones. That's not true. My pharmacist joke, my homeless joke. It's because it's so important to have that mindset to be a great club comic, right? Because every show has to be its own thing.

That keeps you. You restart for every show. There's nothing worse. There's nothing worse than seeing somebody go over and over and over the same thing every year you see them. It's terrible. That's sad. Because it could be so much better that's what you like as a person who's a comic you understand what they're doing

they just don't want to take any chances but as a person who's you know also you know how good it feels to write something new and eventually get it to the point where you could say it gilbert gilbert live is hilarious right so like years, like, he's gotten out of it now, but for years he wouldn't update his material. And I took him, my sister and my brother-in-law and John Stamos, we all went to see him at Caroline's one night, and Gilbert's up there, this is like three years ago, doing, like, Callista Flockhart's two skinny jokes.

No. He's not even updated. And we're just dying. And, by the way, like, Stamos is criticizing him. He's, like, whispering in my ear, dying. And by the way, Stamos is criticizing him. He's whispering in my ear, I heard that five years ago. I heard that 10 years ago. I go, you're on Broadway doing Chicago. What are you talking about?

You're doing a 30, 40, 50-year-old play. What are you talking about? So I defended Gilbert, but I did talk to Gilbert and Dara. And Gilbert, you're too funny to not evolve. You're first hitting your prime as a comedian, and now, to his credit, he's on another level. That's great, though, that you inspired him to start writing again. I embarrassed him to start writing again. That's fucking great.

But when he's with us, that thing I said to Jeff, I go, if we ever tour again, we have to bring him on some of these gigs because he really does like he was the third element of this, this whatever chemistry of the thing that really did for me, at least. I always knew that, like, if it wasn't going anything with with me and Jeff and that's the truth of it, too. And people will see that in the show that there's, you know, there's a couple of bits that go nowhere, but we left them in to show people that it's real and all that kind of stuff. But what about Norm? Do you guys do anything with Norm? I wish we could do something with Norm. He's got a thing on Netflix. You know, there's a couple of bits that go nowhere, but we left them in to show people that it's real and all that kind of stuff. What about Norm? Did you guys do anything with Norm? I wish we could do something with Norm.

He's got a thing on Netflix. Yeah, but he was in L.A. We were in New York. He's another dude. He's so funny. God damn, he's good. I wish he would. Yeah, Norm, if we do this again, I'm not saying we will, but if we ever do this again, this Bumping Mike's Day, we should get Norm. Did you see his tweets, his Thanksgiving tweets? tweets no no once again on my flip phone about friends i retweeted

it he's just so ridiculous man he's so funny there's something about norms just like his ability to uh you know i have this thing about timing i don't know what you think about it but it was like there's something about the timing that like you know i know in today's world that like you know people don't care about that it's more about like identity and, like, you know, I know in today's world that, like, you know, people don't care about that. It's more about, like, identity and all that stuff. But, like, Norm is a master of timing. He really is, like, a master of, like, timing. And this whole thing that he's trying to do where he's finding these classic jokes, I love that.

No, he's genius. He's one of the best. There is no one like him. My first road gig ever was opening for Norm. Really? Yeah, it was probably. Your first road gig ever? Ever.

1991, maybe. Amazing. I'm at Catch Princeton. Somehow I talked my way into an MC spot, and Rich Voss was the middle, and Norm was the headliner. I love Rich. Holy shit. And Norm was only famous for doing a few late night shows.

Whatever wasn't Letterman at the time, what was the other one? Was it Thick of the Night or something? Bob Costas? No, it was... Remember? He had Later with Bob Costas. It wasn't as cool as that even. Bill Boggs?

I'm going to keep you... Yeah. It was some show you'll remember in a few minutes and you go, oh yeah. Some late night show. Like syndicated show. Whatever. It was...

But like... And I meet Norm and he's... Catch Princeton when he's doing out hour do 45 minutes every show he either destroyed or he got zero laughs for 45 minutes and whenever he got zero laughs he would stand by the door and say goodbye to people as they left oh that's great and if he killed he would go back up to the room with Voss and we would play poker. That's hilarious. He was so anti. And then while we were there, he got booked on Letterman for the first time.

And I had a Jeep. My sister bought me a Jeep with the money she got from a car accident. And I drove Norm. The best. Hi, Robin. And I drove Norm to his Letterman taping, his first Letterman. That's incredible. It was cool.

I learned a lot that week. What a great guy to have as the first guy you opened for. It was so funny. That's amazing. Todd Barry was so obsessed with Norm, he came out and slept on my bed. The first guy I ever opened for was a guy named Warren McDonald. He was a really funny, old-school, veteran Boston comic. But the second guy I opened for was Lenny Clark.

Yeah. And Lenny Clark gave me advice that was totally contrary to his brother's advice. What did he say? His brother, Mike Clark, who's the best, nicest guy in the world. I love Mike. He runs giggles. He helped me out a lot, yeah. He's fucking awesome.

Mike booked me back when nobody would book me When I was just starting out When I opened for Lenny He goes kid you're funny But you're too fucking dirty He said that? For Boston? Yeah

He was like you should clean your act up And then Lenny Clark came off stage He goes whatever you do don't clean your act up Don't listen Lenny Clark came off stage and goes, whatever you do, don't clean your act up. Don't listen to him, kid. Wow. He gave me great advice. That's strong. Yeah.

I love those two guys. The nicest. They're so Boston, too. Those guys are Boston to the core. And when I was preparing, I did a roast of the Boston Cops. And Mike really helped me warm up. Got me a bunch of local gigs in the Boston flavor oh beautiful for the Irish people the Italian people it's a good place to do comedy man that is definitely of the two towns I'm thinking right now Boston and Philly are the two towns that

have changed dramatically comedically and also just in terms of like like when you walk around in Boston now you're not like hey I'm gonna going to get jumped because I'm wearing a Yankee. I'm wearing a Yankee. If anything, it's like everybody here is so metro. And someone's going to invite me to a poetry reading at a wine bar or something like that. It's very metro. And the comedy there is still good. But it's funny that old Boston was such a challenge.

It really was, especially outsiders. What year did you start going to Nick's? In the 90s. Those were savage times. Yeah, they really were. Savage times. They were battles every time. And they had local headliners that could blow the greatest comics ever offstage.

It was definitely one of those things. You were terrified. You would hear just like, hey, you know what? Gee, I don't know what to tell you, but Gavin might come down. You're like, okay. He just wants to do a few minutes. Yeah. They would go on stage just to fuck with you.

Yeah, absolutely. You had to earn it. Yeah. And I didn't earn it every time. I don't know if it's still like that for people starting out, but comics were mean. But that was their town, and they saw you coming into their town, and they were like, you better prove it. It's like before Step Up Revolution, you had to own it. I never hold grudges.

I don't know why. People who were douchey to me in the beginning, I'm like, I don't know, I wasn't ready for your respect. I'll learn it eventually. Good for you, man. That's cool. That's a great attitude. Buddy Hackett said that to me once. He said, when you're holding a grudge, the other guy's out dancing.

Wow. That's a great piece of advice. Wasted energy. That was a horrible Hackett, though. What was going on back then? How dare you? What was going on back then was a famine mentality, and I don't think we have that anymore i think that famine mentality is gone because now everybody realizes that with the internet there's there's an

literally an unlimited amount of viewers sure and people that could come to your gigs like and it's way more beneficial for them to know that like you if you're talking about someone that's really good for them to know you have good taste like if dave says oh you got to see jeff ross is a fucking hilarious comedian and i go well i love dave so he must be right right you know i'm saying that's the podcast world yes and this is this is podcast and this is the not having a famine mentality that's that's the thing that fucked us back in the early days like in boston it was before my time because when i came along they had already started like stephen wright had been on on was he on letterman and then you know

like jay leno had already taken off and he was on letterman all the time those guys had already like broken through to tv but there was a sense that some of them had that like where's mine like how come i didn't absolutely yeah there was only a tiny amount of slots. It's not like Stephen Wright couldn't go on Letterman and say, hey, you think I'm funny? You got to see this guy, Lenny Clark. Or you got to see this guy, Don Gavin. Or you got to see Steve Sweeney. All these murderers that he came up with. And they were all like, where's mine?

Like, what the fuck? You're just like, in my head. Too many spots. Too few spots. But also, like, we're of the generation. you're just like in my head too many spots too few spots but also like we're of the generation and not not to make this

like a whole like you know trip to the museum of comedy but we're of the generation where we actually saw people who crush a room

like crush a room like today everyone's like oh you killed it you crushed it but like seeing Richard Jenney at his height

like at Caroline's or something like that crush that room people leaving exhausted where it's like two hours in, you're like, oh, he hasn't even hit his this thing yet. And he's like, he'll get off the stage. He's like, ah, what did you think of that tag? I'm like, which one?

I'm like, dude, you like threw out like a million jokes up there. I would watch that. I'd be like, oh my God, that's like terrifying to see. It was like watching a wave come at you. And it was like what people consider now killing a room or crushing a room like i i never got to see sam kinnison or any of those people live but i assume that was the same thing of where people could not breathe they leave the room like just going like oh man i'm just exhausted i got to see kinnison but i didn't get to see him until after he had released his hbo special and after he released his hbo special all that material was

gone like what i would have wanted to see was that because that was like a culmination of 10 years of doing stand-up. And then, boom, he does that HBO special, and it's just a murderous nuclear missile. But I saw him after that. So what year was that that he did the HBO? Because I wonder what year, when I saw him. I think it was either 85 or 86. I think it was 86. Either 85 or 86.

I think it was 86. So if I saw him at Rascals, at a sold-out show, and I was in college, and I knew how funny he was, he was probably already famous. Man, but was he at Rascals? Wouldn't he be doing a bigger venue by then? I guess you're right.

I remember it felt like a special event. I saw him at theaters. I saw him at a couple of big places. I saw him at one place down the Cape. I want to say it was like, if I had a guess today, I would say it's somewhere around 2,000 seats. Oh, really? And I saw him at Great Woods, which is considerably larger than that.

And that's right after his HBO special. And this is 80? This is 86, 87. Wow. Nice to work at Great Woods. Did you? Shut the fuck up. I worked for WBUR, the public radio station, and I would record classic music concerts

as an engineer. That's hilarious. Great Woods. They called it Tanglewood or something. What'd they call it? Great Woods, yeah. Yeah, well, Great Woods and Mansfield. Yeah. I was a security guard there. Wouldn't that have been weird if we knew each other? That's hilarious. This is better than LinkedIn. How did you guys? I was the reluctant security guard,. Wouldn't that have been weird if we knew each other? That's hilarious. This is better than LinkedIn.

How did you guys? I was the reluctant security guard because I would always bring a hoodie with me and if shit went down, I'd cover up my security jacket and get the fuck out of town. I thought you'd throw in. I brought a hoodie with me after my first couple days on the job. The first day on the job, there's a dude named Alley Cat.

He was a dude who ran the security. They caught some drunk kid who stole a golf cart. So they chased him down, tackled him, and he was beating him in the face with a walkie-talkie. That was day one. And I was like, alrighty, it's one of these jobs. One of these jobs.

And I'm not a big person. I'm 5'8". You're still like that now, outside the fight, looking in. Yes. Exactly, right? And back then, I was competing, so big person i'm five foot eight you're still like that now outside the fight looking in yes exactly right so and back then i was competing so i was only like 160 pounds i was really lightened i was not getting any tangles with some big giant drunk dudes i'm like fuck for what 20 bucks an hour or whatever i'm getting so i would just bring a hoodie with me and when shit went down i would zip up and one day shit went down

the neil young concert and they had wow during the neil young concert the back area is all grass and they started bonfires these fucking crazy neil young fans threw a bunch of shit on the ground just started fires and then they started trying to break up these fires and people were pushing security guards and then my friend larry who's like the nicest guy in the world, punched this guy in the stomach. And I'm like, okay, that's it. If Larry's punching people, he's the nicest guy ever. These people are drunk and crazy. Dude, I put that fucking hoodie on and I'm out.

I just walked straight to my car and drove the fuck home. I didn't get my last paycheck, nothing. I'm like, I'm out. It was a full-blown riot. Dudes were throwing down piles of people, beating the shit out of each other. There was fires. They canceled the concert. They shut the concert in the middle of what's happening.

Who was the opener? I don't think that was the problem. There was two problems. Sometimes when you were in the back area where the grass was, the acoustics weren't so good. So when people went to see comics, it was bad. It's not good. Maybe they fixed the sound, but back then, it was a big issue. You had to be inside the canopy to hear what the fuck was going on.

What do you think of oddball and outdoor comedy? What do you think of that? I've done some outdoor things. I did a big outdoor place in Kansas City this year, and it was really fun. It was fucking awesome. Yeah, but it was a summer night. It Kansas City this year and it was really fun. Oh, really? It was fucking awesome, yeah. But it was a summer night. You know, it was beautiful.

We got lucky with the rain. There was no rain or anything. When Jeff and I did the oddball like we went on together, that was my most fun doing the oddball thing and I always thought it was a great, like, Jeff Wills is super cool

to comics and everything like that. Yeah, I love Jeff. But like, the only guy I've ever seen like actually look like he's having a great time was Chappelle doing it. Like, I really like, he's like so comfortable everywhere but like in the outdoor venue, you look like he's having a great time was Chappelle doing it.

He's so comfortable everywhere, but in the outdoor venue, he's taking his time. He makes it like a club. Yeah. It's just amazing to watch him do it. But the outdoor thing with the can never hear, the joke going off into outer space, that definitely is something that... Even the theater in the round, which is one... I saw Rodney Dangerfield in when I was like 17. And that was another situation where this guy was just like crushing, crushing, crushing, and the room cannot breathe, that kind of thing. And I was like, this is in the round.

You know, I was like, wow, that's weird. You know, I was 17. I was like, wow, is this how it goes? Like, you know, why is he circling around like that? Is that part of it? You know, I didn't understand that it was in the round, you know but now i realize that that's another like really hard venue to play is the round you know yeah i've only done a few of those i did the uh that place in phoenix that one's in the round hollywood theater that's uh that's a great spot oh i i know what you're talking about

i think louis did one of his hbo schedules there and because george carlin did one right i think so yeah he did so many of them. That guy did them everywhere. Every year. That is bananas. That's one of the craziest paces ever. And talk about someone who did it totally differently. He would basically write a monologue.

Yeah. He would write. He would just take his time. Not working at all. Not working out. He would kind of tighten it up on stage, they would say. Right. The bits as he would just keep doing them and figure out a better way to do them.

So he'd write it out first write the whole thing out yeah that's right yeah and he did it every year wow that was like at the height of that HBO comedy thing you'd like tune in specific

just to see the special well he was in a different place than anybody else because of how prolific he was and some would say like yeah but you know some of it wasn't my favorite stuff and like listen it is impossible to write an hour every fucking year and have it your best

version of that hour you need more time a lot of the times but he had to honor that commitment of getting the special out right but what he did was he did something that was slightly different than comedy either because it was even because it was like a lot of it was like a state of the union a state of like civilization state it wasn't just comedy it's like here's a really wise old guy he was mocking shit but he has some really good points and he's going to do this every year so it was more it was it was different it was more than it wasn't like he never worked out in clubs like i went to see him once and he was and he had this whole bit about fuck everything it was like basically fuck this and fuck that and in part of it was comedy clubs he's like they say george you got to work out your shit in comedy clubs he goes fuck comedy clubs really i saw him years later at

the store i mean he was just fucking around i saw that's when i knew i'd made it i years later at the store. I mean, he was just fucking around. That's when I knew I'd made it. I was at the improv back in the day, and I was probably going out at 2 a.m., and I still have it. It was a schedule. It had George Carlin going on at 9.30. So five hours later, I went on at a prom show or something, but Carlin came into the improv. I got to say hi to him in the back patio of the store. Just, hi. How you doing? Nice to meet you.

Wow. Yeah. I was like, wow. I saw him at the Aspen comedy festival with comics oh sorry yeah no no he he definitely he wasn't into hanging with comics necessarily right i remember once like he kind of like dissed the friars club he's like i don't want to hang with the older guys i want to it was weird i saw him at the aspen comedy festival and he was like not doing anything like you know he had like substance stuff going on oh yeah and it was like he was treating himself to one glass of wine a day but you know how like up to the brim like it's one of those where it's like and you see him like sipping on it you know like and he's looking at me like hmm you know like he's

like oh he's a new comic he's a big you know i'm like hello mr carlin and he's like, oh, he's a new comic. He's a big, you know, I'm like, hello, Mr. Carlin. And he's like, mm, and back to the sipping on this one glass of wine a day. I love that. Well, he got injured, right, and had a pain pill problem. Oh, did he? So many fucking people, man. He was a hardcore, you know, 70s guy, too. Well, yeah, he did a lot of that back in the day. But I think the pain pills was later on in his life,

and he just had reached a point where he realized, I got an issue i gotta stop this but he he sorted it out i respect that he really committed to his craft like oh yeah and you know maybe he was trying to do other stuff here and there because he did a few acting things but that was not his thing yeah his thing was those hbo specials every year yep no no one else was doing that back then. The quicker you figure out what your thing is, lucky. It's such a lucky thing. Yeah. Well, his thing was always having a brilliant social point with humor attached to it. That was his thing.

Some of his best bits were just really good points about hypocrisy and the ridiculousness of our civilization with like really good punchlines. He would write to a subject. Yeah. Chris Rock does that too. He also like, uh, religion. He was like the first guy to really like,

uh, you know, him and Bill Hicks, I always thought were like, you know, that was cool. Their takes on religion, you know?

Yeah. Well, you know, Lenny Bruce obviously opened that door. Oh, that's true. I'm sorry. He was the guy that opened the door.

He was a pain in the ass. That's what Hackett used to tell me. About Lenny Bruce? Lenny was just a pain in the ass that got everybody in, that's true. I'm sorry. He was the guy that opened the door. He was a pain in the ass. That's what Hackett used to tell me. About Lenny Bruce? Lenny was just a pain in the ass that got everybody in trouble all the time. There'd be cops

at the comedy clubs and shit. You can't be that guy unless you're a pain in the ass. I mean, he was arrested multiple times for saying bad words. Do we have that now? A guy like him?

Yeah. I don't think we need a guy like him, in a sense The crowd is He would have been A different guy If he lived today

Right You know I mean if he was alive today He would just be A great comic He wouldn't He wouldn't have to Do all the shit

That he had to do Like there was It's hard for us to Whenever you go back And listen to stuff Like Lenny Bruce It's really Almost impossible

Unless you live through it to put yourself in that time. You have to put it, that's why. Like I can kind of put myself back in the 80s. I can kind of remember vaguely. I have a sense of what it was like. I can kind of tell you. I don't have a goddamn clue as to what it was like in the 60s.

Yeah. And so when he was doing this, we have to put it in context that there was no there was no freedom you couldn't say certain words you couldn't talk about certain subjects yeah i mean really crazy restrictions on the way people talked and they brought him into court over and over and over again essentially bankrupt them he couldn't work anymore and by the end he just he died of heroin on the fucking bathroom floor i mean he became a mess and a lot of him being a mess was him dealing with his court cases. There's recordings of him where he's going on stage with his legal papers, just reading the legal papers to the audience.

He lost his fucking mind. But we also came up in a club system. And I consider myself a club comic. That's what I do. That's what I'm supposed to do. But these guys were before, like you say, Hackett and all these guys, way before the club system, they played the Catskills. They played a Jewish camp somewhere.

That was their proving ground, and I'm sure that was probably the hardest of the hardest gigs to do. It's an all-ages show. There may be a late show where they get to be a little saucier, but it really is a tough thing. And it's the same crowd for a whole week. I mean, honestly, you know. That's crazy.

Yeah. So, like, I give it up to those guys. Like Joan Rivers, who I think also is like an unsung hero of comedy. Like, she crosses over that thing from, like, you know, where TV comedy becomes like a big deal. Like where you see them on, like, you know, Johnny Carson and all that kind of stuff. Like, I love her sets. I watch them. I miss her man. Yeah she really was

a great joke writer. She was a savage too. She'd go after it. Well who else stayed relevant in there at 80 years old? Who else had new material at 80? Nobody.

It's really just those two. Just Carlin and her. I guess so. Right? Yeah. Who else? And she died trying to improve her voice

her instrument. Like she was still staying in it. Yeah. Who else? And she died trying to improve her voice, her instrument. Like, she was still staying in it. Yeah. Sad one. I was at her funeral. It was really amazing. It was like a king died. She was the greatest.

She had some serious fucking horsepower when it came to her ability to deliver punchlines. One of the best books I ever read, young comics out there, read Enter Talking by Joan Rivers about her early days in stand-up and acting. It's really a good book. Don't read Ladies and Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce, because you'll start putting foil over your windows and shooting up. I did read that.

It's a great book, right? That's how I started. I took a comedy class in New York. Who was teaching? Lee Frank, a buddy of mine. He's out here. He's writing. And I was a fat loser living in New Jersey with my grandfather, and my buddy said, hey,

take this comedy class. I think you'd be good at it. And I go, what? He's like, yeah, I think you'd be good at it. And I thought, well, it's near the bus station where I would go to work and then go visit my grandpa and take care of him. He was sick. And I would just go to work and then go visit my grandpa and take care of him. He was sick. And I would just go to this class for three hours.

It was like a way to socialize, really. I didn't have a desire. I didn't even know what stand-up was. But the first assignment was to memorize a comedian's act and do it just for the class, just to get a sense of timing and what it was like. We understood it wasn't our material. It wasn't about that all and i did i heard lenny bruce was the coolest so i went to the springfield public library i took out a lenny bruce live at carnegie hall double album i still have it and and i memorized this routine and i didn't get it the audit the class didn't get it and i realized like god context is everything it just

didn't make it just wasn't funny it didn't hold up at all it made almost no sense to me so i realized like it really is like you were saying before dave like the moment the time the experience of being there people were so restricted back then in terms of their access to information in terms of the way they talk to each other that anything outside of the norm anything being broadcast and we have to also remember that broadcasting itself was only like 40 or 50 years old so this is a fairly new medium right and anything that was even remotely uh just outside of what the accepted standard operating way of behaving was, was considered decadent and racy and this dirty Lenny. He would talk about things that you're not supposed to talk about that.

Yeah, the taboo subjects. But today, that same stuff has already been, he opened the door, Richard Pryor kicked it down, lit it on fire, Eddie Murphy nuclear bombed it, and then it kept going on and kennison and hicks and it's those there's nothing there anymore there's no shame in any of these subjects anymore you can't there's no built-in weirdness to it that he experienced back then and he would have never been able to do comedy any differently i think that's also what

we need to understand as if like eddie murphy went back to 1960 and did his same kind of material that he did in raw they wouldn't take it wouldn't everybody be like he's yelling at us like what is he doing right this is not comedy like they wouldn't be ready for it there's these stages that have to happen and i think you kind of have to have a guy like lenny who's like spelling it out for people and then a guy like Carlin takes it to a different place. And then, and then they just keep going. And then prior comes along and introduces this like incredible honesty to it.

It's like each comic had one less layer of exposition in their act. So that almost like they opened for each other by decade or by five years. Almost. Right. That's so interesting. And Kinison, when Kinison came around, it was the first time

That I'd ever saw something I went oh Well that Comedy could be anything Yeah Because I thought that comedy Was these guys Who would go on

The Tonight Show Because that's mostly What I'd see Where they would go Did you ever notice And they would be talking About stuff they noticed And I loved it

I would love stand up comedy But I never I never thought that Stand up comedy Was anything like Kinison When I saw Kinison For the first time I never thought that stand-up comedy was anything like Kinison. When I saw Kinison for the first time, I was like, oh, this is a totally different thing. Yeah. Like, this guy's doing a totally different thing.

Right. Like, this is crazy. He's doing an inner anxious monologue. When he was standing in front of a guy going, you know, look at this face. You getting married? Look at this face. Oh, oh. Yeah. I was married twice. I getting married? Look at this face. Oh, oh. Yeah. I was married twice.

I was married for two fucking years. Nobody had ever done anything like that before. And I remember thinking at that time, like, wow, comedy is really fascinating because it can be so many different things. But he also wanted to be a rock star. Yeah. He was a rock star. Yeah. But when you see all those great things that he could do

like his stage craft I guess you would call it the things he could do he could really hold the stage and in today's world where it's pretty much everyone's low key that's kind of like

the new style of like low key whatever like that that to me always it was like he was like a force of nature that's what I was like

it was like this guy like somebody opened the door and a hurricane came in do you know that I love that he has something like very seriously in common with Roseanne. They both experienced significant head injuries at a young age. And then from then on, became this new person.

Roseanne had the exact same story. She got hit by a car. I heard that. She got fucked up. She was in a mental hospital for nine months. I mean, really bad. So when people talk about rosanne and say bad things about him like you're looking you really are doing i didn't know

that everyone a disservice by expressing this the way you're doing it because you're not even taking into consideration everything she does you should take into consideration she had a significant brain a massive trauma to the brain when she was like 15 years old. Her head bounced off of the fender of a fucking car. Right. She was laid out. Right. She was in a coma. She was in a mental institution for nine months after that.

Right. Like, this is like asking someone who has broken legs to not limp. That's what you're asking. Even when you, I heard you talk to her about it, she almost like skipped over it as if it was something she didn't really want to address. And you were backtracked. I had to get it out of her because this is what I know about her. And she knows that I'm a giant fan. I always say, if you have to list top 20 comics of all time, Roseanne is 100% in there and probably one of the most important ones

because what she did, when she first got on HBO, when people first started, she would, first of all, she would fucking murder. Domestic goddess. Yeah, she would murder and she had a totally different style. She didn't give a fuck. Like, when she was up there, it was the first time you saw

a woman who was, like, aggressive and insulting and didn't give a fuck. Didn't give a fuck what she looked like. Didn't give a fuck what you thought about what she looked like. She was just there to be funny. And she knew that I had that opinion of her when she did the show. So it helped. You know, it helped like I'm not trying to hurt you in any way.

And I just want people to understand who you are. She's on a fucking bunch of different psych medicines, man. They've got her on all kinds of crazy shit trying to even her out and then on top of that she's taking adderall and she's drinking and like everybody relax like leave that poor lady alone right like you're going after her when she's in her 60s for a a fuck up on twitter right you know he thinks that that lady looks black is lying. You're either full of shit, like if you didn't know, if I said, okay, you don't know anything about her, what's the ethnicity? You'd be like, oh, boy.

Right. You know, I save the picture on my phone in case I get in a conversation with people about it. Because it's one of those things where nobody wants to look like they are in any way racist, right? No one wants to look like they're racist. I don't want to, but you also have to be honest. It doesn't mean you're racist if you look at that and go, that was...

I thought that was Stan Natterman. She could be a lot of things. She could be a lot of things. She has long, straight hair. Not long, short, straight hair. She could be a lot of things. This is not obvious. For you to say that it's obvious, you're being disingenuous.

I can't talk to you because you're not being... You're not realistic. This is not obvious. And for you to say that it's obvious, you're being disingenuous. I can't talk to you because you're not being... You're not realistic. This is not obvious. But Roseanne shouldn't be tweeting about politics in the middle of the night on Ambien. Well, she also shouldn't be tweeting about lizard people or any other crazy shit she tweets about. Right. But you know, Roseanne... Before her show, when she went

from comedy to her show, and once again, it was you know, her act was her show. And once again, it was, you know, like, her act was her show. And like, that was one thing that like, since her, everybody was always like,

you know, you gotta like, throw out in your act like 20 minutes about like, what you are and who you think the sitcom should be.

And it was like, it didn't work as well for anybody else except for her because that really was her life. Right. And it was her thing.

It was organic. Like, Ray Romano was another guy who was really good at that where he would put up, you know, his act. He's really a great joke writer, too. He would, like,

totally, like, have these great jokes about his family and his wife and the expectations of their relationship and then that became the essence of that show. So then you see, like,

everybody, you remember, there was definitely a decade of, like, agents going, like, hey, you gotta get, like, you know, did you have a dog growing up? Do a joke about that. Oh, yeah.

Try and get a sitcom going on that thing. I went through all that shit where they were trying to do sitcoms around people and they would try to get you to put together like some sort of a theme and do it on stage for a sitcom. I remember seeing guys specifically craft an act that they thought was going to get them a sitcom.

The 12 Minutes. Yep. Yes. People got seriously into it man it became like a different thing it's like a goal the goal was the sitcom did you alan was another one do you like those days acting i got lucky okay i got super lucky i got super lucky first of all that i never had my own show all right so i never had to carry anything and then two i did a really shitty one first a one that should have been really funny but then too many people got

involved and it got too convoluted and fucked up and it just didn't work. And that show got cancelled. And then I got lucky that I got on a show that was already, they already did the pilot. When I came on to news radio, Ray Romano was supposed to do the pilot. He gets fired. They hired a new guy. And then they filmed the pilot

and then after they filmed the pilot, they got rid of the new guy. And then I came in. That's so, there was a lot of steps. So you jumped the hard part of... I jumped all of it. But I mean, creatively, there's no way you found that fulfilling. Maybe at the time it was. News radio was unusually free in how much you could create.

You could constantly improve lines. Paul Sims is a genius and the nicest guy in the world and he would let you like he would just use no ego would still do the best shit like he would let like Dave Foley was constantly rewriting jokes and constantly introducing new punchline so he was like you know probably one of the if you would look at all the punchlines that had ever been on the show I like a percentage of them you would attribute to Dave Fogelman. Like a significant percentage.

It's genius. But they would let him do it. They wanted everybody to do that. It's the only job where you want to do more than you're supposed to, and you're like mad if they don't let you. Well, there was eight people on the show, too. That's a lot of human beings to be talking for 22 minutes. And, of course, Phil was the star.

Phil Hartman was a big star. He was so talented, that guy. So talented. He was also like super professional yeah that guy would prepare he would have a he would have a clipboard right or a notebook with all of his scenes in there with different colors for the tabs and he would practice them you'd see him sitting there by himself just going over his lines and moving his head back an actor yeah i mean he was a fucking meticulous professional like i hate acting i'm so bad at it i'm just i'm just saying about like some guys especially the comics where they go and they get that sitcom grab that microphone oh sorry buddy uh the comics they get the sitcom and then they uh ride it as

long as they can and then then they go back to stand-up and we've seen that you know you can throw a dart at like a schedule anywhere in country, and you'll see that guy. And I'm always like, isn't it sad that you didn't keep doing the stand-up? Because now you're kind of right back to where you started in terms of stand-up. You didn't get to grow that way. They fall apart. Yeah. A lot of them don't do it for years.

And everybody's always like, this is the best touring time when you have a sitcom. But most people don't want to go on tour like that you know to me i would be like yeah you're right let's get out there you know but well you you could do it for a few months but then you'd have to yeah the time you're filming you're going to be stuck at in la and then on top of that especially back then when you start out a sitcom you're doing 12 hour days until you figure out how to do it true once the show had been figured out by like season three or four we were down to like three days a week sometimes four days a week mostly mostly four very rarely five unless there was some significant crazy how many did you make we did 98 i think wow yeah yeah we just did three yeah yeah Too much Too much Yeah Maybe did 99

Something like that But I did 148 Fear factors Wow And then I did Six more Than we did When it came back

And six or seven more I think we did Seven 148 Yeah That was preposterous That was when I was Losing my mind

And was it even one a day Or was it less than one a day No One took three days Wow Sometimes you could Bang out one in two days Like you'd have the B stunt early in the day And was it even one a day or was it less than one a day? No. One took three days. Wow. Sometimes you could bang out one in two days. Like you'd have the B stunt early in the day and the C stunt at night, like the final stunt at night. How was that process?

You know what? Again, very fortunate. It was a great gig. Plenty of money and it was all good. And it definitely helped my stand up because it gave me fuck you money too. It gave me the ability to not worry about having money in the bank because I don't have extravagant tastes. I'm not too ridiculous with money, but I like feeling like I don't have to worry.

As soon as you don't have to worry about it, okay, good. Don't think about that anymore. Now think about other things. So it really helped me there. And also the preposterousness of it was a boundless source of material. Yeah. Which is such a ridiculous show. I loved it.

I hosted a spinoff that didn't get picked up. What was it called? Say Uncle. Hurwitz's show, too. Was it? I loved it. And I was writing on the Man Show, and that's how I knew David Hurwitz, who was producing Fear Factor, and they had a show called Say Uncle, which I later parodied in the De Niro movie I wrote, the comedian, called Stop Uncle or whatever it was.

But anyway, one of the big things was a guy, a contestant, got in a turkey pen, and we put maple syrup all over him, and he rolled around, and these birds pecked at him. And his family's there watching, and he starts bleeding, and i stopped the thing and the producers were mad like you can't stop in the middle i'm like the guy's crying i go and it was just a total disaster you could tell it was gonna be a big hit but it was risky and then i remember going to jimmy kimmel's like premiere party for jimmy kimmel live and I saw the head of ABC there and I had never done this in my entire life. He was

getting a drink and I walked over and I said, please don't pick it up. Really? I said, yeah, it's rough. It's going to be too hard to stand behind. Really? You're torturing people. Whoa. And they didn't pick it up. He just kind of looked at me and smiled. What year is this?

This would have been 2003 yeah that was right after fear factor was first launched when when those shows what happens is you get used to one thing and so you have to do something that's bigger and better the next year yeah and so when we came back i felt uncomfortable with a lot of the shit. They know how to do it. These stunt guys are top of the food chain, but they were doing some sketchy shit. One of them, we had these people chained to a tree with bungee cords

that were attached to a helicopter. Wow. And they had to figure out the right locks to unlock the bungee cord. They're the straps that keep them to the tree. And then as soon as they do, they undo the strap and they go fucking shooting out into space into the center of this gigantic canyon and they're bouncing underneath this helicopter and i remember thinking like this doesn't yeah we could do this a thousand times one of them someone's gonna die of course one of

them someone's gonna die and it might be the next one. But it never happened. We got lucky, dude. I really feel like we got lucky. I really, really, honestly, 100% feel like we got lucky. There was a few things. First of all, there's a certain amount of risk that you take whenever you're doing anything like jumping a car off of a building roof, which we did. We had people fly cars across a train, a moving train. There's risk involved in that.

But the one that scared the shit out of me the most was bull riding. We had people ride bulls. It was the only time I told contestants, don't do it. I'm like, if you want to ask me, I would say don't do it. On air? No, no, no, no. On air, I gave them the standard. But when I would talk to them, I'd i'd say look this is up to you right

i mean if you want to go on me people do know how to ride bulls but you don't know how to ride a bull we're not teaching you how to ride a bull you're not going through classes you're not slowly but surely building up your techniques right you're just going to ride a bull right don't do that right don't do that that's what i would say and we had this girl she was like 98 pounds she got launched off the back of this bull. And she, look at this. These people went fucking flying. Like, look at that.

That, that thing's kicking. You gotta know how to fall too. Yeah. Barely misses them when it's kicking. I mean, they're wearing helmets and shit, but look at this, look at this,

look at this. I mean, come on, man, look at this. I mean, that's that fall, the way she felt like that,

that is like getting hit in the back of the head with the world. Yeah. So, like, my personal feelings about trauma and about what's dangerous and shit like this, this is a no, no. Especially for a 90-pound woman like this poor lady. Oh, my goodness. She got up. Cute little fella I was back then. Yeah, she got up, man.

She was tough as shit. But everybody, I feel like in that one I feel like we got lucky I feel like we rolled the dice Because if they stomp you They lacerate livers And crush Oh yeah yeah

Crush spleens And they can stomp you The funny thing was Those stunt guys Are so fucking tough Those guys are so used to Putting their ass on the line That they don't think anything

About someone doing something risky. To them, that's what you do. You show up for work. That's definitely a different in your head, like alpha something. They're animals. To have to do that. They're like fighters. To crave that.

You got to wonder what the family is saying. Does it keep them from having a family? Who's going to marry you if you're throwing your life on the line unrelated to war or famine? Well, I think there's a certain allure to it. Remember that TV show, The Fall Guy? Yeah. How about Evel Knievel? Women loved him.

Women loved Evel Knievel. That's a good point. Women love risk takers. They like BMX guys that do those flips and shit. Those guys are crazy. Those guys really. And now they have the parkour guys where they climb up a building with no, any kind of throw That's what you should do, Dave, so you can smoke.

You should do parkour outside. Sit on an iron grid. Do you exercise at all, Dave? I do the kettlebells. Yeah, you were telling me that. Yeah. You still doing that? Can I, because I wanted to ask you this off the mic, but I seem to be getting more out of pull-ups and just regular calisthenics than I am out of the kettlebell experience.

I think it's because maybe I'm just more into it now. Well, there's definitely no better exercise for you than pull-ups and push-ups. That, to me, is the one. If somebody had to say for the rest of your life, you've got a pull-up bar and no weights, you're going to be okay. I'd be like, I'll take that over not having a pull-up bar. Because I think there's certain kind of workouts that you only get when you manipulate your own body, too. Push-ups, I think, too.

Because you could vary your push-up widths, and you could do so many things just with chin-ups and push-ups, and then with body weight, like single leg squats and things like that. You can get a tremendous workout in with just a chin-up bar and body weight. And there's something about like that, do 100 of them. Like I can't even do like 10. Like 10 would be great for me. But like the guys who can do 100, it's so hard.

It's almost like torture to do it. Chin-ups? Chin-ups. Anybody can do 100 chin-ups is a fucking savage. Yeah, like I mean that definitely is the goal. I'm old and I'm fat. I'll do 100 in two sets. I don't do it, though.

I do sets of 10. I don't do any more than 10, and I do them multiple times a day. I have a chin-up bar in my house, so I'll walk in and I'll just jump up and do set 10. And I've found that the one thing that's helped my squeeze with jujitsu and with being able to pick my body and just move around better is to just do them randomly throughout the day. I do chin-ups all the time. Over the bars in the back, I'll do a show here, and then I'll go back and do 10 chin-ups. I'm like that with masturbation so that I can have sex any time. You're always ready to go.

Always ready to go. But if I had to pick one thing, it would be that. It would be a chin-up bar and then body weight stuff. with masturbation so i can have sex anytime you're always ready to go he's ready to go but um if i had to pick one thing it would be that it'd be a chin-up bar and then body weight stuff you could do that for sure that's you're not into the kettlebells on on the road it's it's like hard to do you know like i don't like going to the the hotel gym or anything like that i like to keep it in the room so sometimes you know jump rope or something like that but i i would say i've gotten in better shape but uh i still feel like you know um you know crap most of the like that but uh i would say i've gotten in better shape but uh i still feel like you know um you know crap most of the time but uh when i was a kid when i was a kid

like it was all that stuff like push-ups and sit-ups and all that kind of stuff and now that i'm back to it i'm like you know i forgot how great this is you know it's really cool you know what's a great thing for the road pull-ups afterwards you ever fuck with those trx things oh yes no my trainer was strapping into the door of the hotel room, and you could do all these crazy exercises. And it's real small. You could just tuck it in your bag. I love the hotel room. We've all seen that in the movie.

The assassin doing a couple of very slow push-ups. Well, sometimes if I go down to a gym and there's nothing that I want to do in there, I'll work out in my hotel room. You never were like a runner, were you? I run now. Oh, you do? Yeah, but it's only been over the last couple of years, really. But even when you were doing Taekwondo, right? Yeah, I didn't run much.

I thought that was part of their thing. They had a military kind of feel to it. They definitely had a military feel to it and some different, they would call it dojangs. You know, Jeff's a black belt in Taekwondo. I know. We actually, on the show, he pulls out the nunchucks. That's not a part of it, but that's okay. You know, I'm rusty, I have to admit.

I need to get back into it. Do you exercise these days? I've been doing a little bit of yoga, but honestly, I've been doing a lot of not exercising lately. And I don't feel good. Like, I'm in a place now where I need to start exercising again. We talked about this in the parking lot the other day, right? I've been on a stand-up hiatus. And when I'm not performing, I don't care as much about my instrument.

And I've been editing and writing and producing. So I don't know. I've gotten a little, I guess, lazy. And I don't feel as good. I recognize it in my body. So I need to snap out of it. I think he needs a group or people to hang with. Because that would make it more fun. I get lonely working out by myself.

Yeah, if there was a group of guys, come on, man, don't let us down. You could find a CrossFit class to join or some shit like that. I mean, they always have those kind of things. There's all sorts of different classes that you like. I like yoga. Yoga's awesome. I've done one of those high-intensity interval training things at a yoga place, too, where you do some yoga and some really light weights, but all these crazy little exercises.

That's fun, too. I got a good dancer pose. You got a dancer pose? Yeah. What are you doing? Let me see. Easy. Oh, you're trying to do that.

Don't hurt yourself. Easy. Yes. Oh, that. Is that what it's called? Standing bow. It feels so good. I think it's called standing bow.

Yeah. And there's this one. Keep it going. Where are you going? No one can see you. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Yeah, you're supposed to grab both legs, but that's okay. Do it.

Grab that other leg, bitch. You got it. Nope. One more time. You really do yoga? Yes. Come on, son. Here he goes.

Yeah. Nice. And the headphones on take it to the new level. It's like a NASA mission. What's that one called again? Cry for help. I call it the crab. So when you say you do yoga, how often do you do it?

When I would go, I would go to hot yoga. You go a couple times a week. Or now I just kind of do it in my backyard to stretch out after a long flight or something. That's good. And it's also kind of like you at the tank. That's a time to think about life, to think through a bit, to think through a mission that you're working on, some family issue. It's quiet.

It's about you. For me, yoga, it's like giving yourself a massage. It's more gratifying than going to get a massage. I like to stretch out before sets. You ever do that? Do stretches before you go do a set? That feels real good. There's something about that that's very relaxing. It puts a good i think you carry around when you're tight you

carry around a lot of like weird tension that you don't necessarily want pigeon pose that's where all the tension is pigeon pose that's the one where you're where your leg comes under your i want to ask you this what the fuck is he doing? Oh wow Jeff I've never seen this one Yeah I've seen that one That's called That's a good one

That's a hip opener Yeah Look at that Good hips bro That looks so sad That's the best one Like if you go to hot yoga People will do that pose

And start crying Because there's so much Emotion and anxiety Released from the hips Yeah that's not real Joe You're just crying Because someone told you You should cry Not me People will do that pose and start crying because there's so much emotion and anxiety release from the hips. Yeah, that's not real. You're just crying because someone told you you should cry. Not me. There's so much emotional anxiety.

You want to be a part of it. The group cry. Nonsense. They always want to say that. This is opening up your colon. You don't have any fucking, there's no diagrams. You don't know where the colon is. Like, you better stop.

You better stop saying that. You don't have any fucking. There's tension in the hip cat scans what's that stuff called magnetic resonance mris you don't have that bro you don't have any like real evidence there's emotion there's a little ball of me when i lay like this i just think about my dad get the fuck out of here with that shit. You don't have any memories specifically. And people say, no, no, no. But when I'm in that position and they tell you that if emotions come out here, you just let them. I'm like, what emotions are going to come out?

And then I started crying. You're being hypnotized. Someone told you. They put a suggestion. It's also permission to be emotionally vulnerable. Yes, that. That and hypnosis. And you can't get that eating lunch at a deli or working out with the boys in the gym.

If you're at a quiet, dark yoga place with other people that are staring at the floor, you can relax a little emotionally. That's a logical definition. That's a logical way of explaining what's really going on. Namaste. It's good. Joe, let me ask you a question. Do you eat's really going on Namaste I mean it's good Joe let me ask you a question Do you eat before you go on stage? No

Me neither This guy has to eat like He has to eat before he goes on stage Like right before Like pretty much right before I mean I don't think there's anything wrong With eating some fruit Right before you go up on stage

But for me I don't want to There's a certain amount of resources Your body is going to use for digestion That's just a fact Yeah okay with eating some fruit right before you go up on stage, but for me, I don't want to... There's a certain amount of resources your body is going to use for digestion. That's just a fact. Yeah, okay. And there's a reason

why fighters don't eat a fucking steak and mashed potatoes right before they fight. I hate that feeling. Because your body will be like, fuck you, dude.

We got to digest this stuff and it's sloshing around in your stomach. It gets in the way. I hate it. Obviously, this is... But I know plenty of people who have to eat.

I... Sometimes I... In that first episode of our show, I eat during the show. I ordered mozzarella sticks to the stage. That's how hungry I was by the late show. There's nothing wrong with that, man. It's not to say that you can't do it. And for you, you're so casual. You're probably better off feeling good than you are having more mental alertness, slightly,

but also being hungry. I like the hunger. The hunger's annoying. I ate in the car coming to your studio today, and the first thing I said to Jeff, who answered the door, was is there anything to eat around here? Because it's an anxiety thing, too. Before you're going to perform,

and I remember reading years and years and years And years ago That David Letterman Would eat pineapple Right before he went on So I always I always ask for pineapple In my writers

Hi Stacy Pineapple's a good Stacy Mark In the house I love her He also would do A fasting And then he would like Pig out

That was his thing Letterman That's what I heard That like He would like not eat For like two or three days And then he would do that And that's how my friend

Russ does it. That kind of thing of where you just basically Spartan, nothing, nothing, nothing, and then you get to eat whatever you want. I believe for sure that people eat too much food, and me included. I eat too much food. Me, for sure. And when I fast, especially intermittent fast, I do 16 hours at night. When I do do that, I feel way better.

Way better. Wait, what? Fasting. Between dinner and the next time I do like 16 hours at night. When I do do that, I feel way better. Way better. Wait, what? Fasting. Between dinner and the next time I eat is 16 hours. Jeff, can you imagine that? No. You could. You just decide. I would have to be getting a colonoscopy.

You just, look, you eat dinner, you're done at 8, you go to bed or do whatever the fuck you do, but just no more food. How do you perform? How do you? What are you talking about? He can't, yeah, you have to eat to go on. I'm going on stage at 10.

The last thing I want to do is eat any later than eight. I go right to the cookies at the back of the comedy store. Okay, cookies are different, though. That's quick carbs. That actually is not a bad idea. I see. That's not a bad idea. Wow, really?

No, not a bad idea at all. You That's not a bad idea. Wow, really? No, not a bad idea at all. You don't eat that stuff, do you? I'll eat that stuff. Look, when I was doing this Sober October fitness challenge with Ari and Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, I ate everything in sight. I ate pizza and cookies. I ate everything because I just wanted calories. But the problem with cookies and stuff like that is you can eat them, but you just can't make a habit of eating them all the time or it will fuck you up.

It's just going to fuck you up. Something's happening to me here. But right before you go on stage, not a bad idea. Got a little pick-me-up energy, quick carbs. Your body's going to break down those carbs and those sugar. And glucose is a very good fuel for the brain. Really? Yeah, it works. Yeah, yeah.

Carbs are good for the brain, especially if your body's carb-adapted, if you eat carbs all the time and you can eat some carbs right before you go on stage, that'll give you a little energy. I feel so much better. Even lifting. Yeah, really. If you wanted to have a cookie or maybe even a Snickers bar and then lift weights, I wouldn't say don't do that.

Wow. I'd say that'll give you some fucking sugar to burn off. It's not the best food for you in the world, but you're asking for it for a very specific reason. After it's over, I'd say, yeah, go have some salmon and some vegetables and eat healthy. But right before you want to work out, you could drink a Coke. You could drink a Coca-Cola. And if you're going to lift for an hour, okay, go ahead, drink a Coke.

What is this shit? You're going to burn that shit off, and it's just going to be fuel that you use. I wouldn't suggest you do it all the time, but's not gonna have a negative effect on you it's really a cumulative thing with people in diets it's eating too much sugar too much bullshit for too many days in a row and not giving your body a chance to relax see when i when i don't eat i never consider like oh that's lightheadedness i'm like I'm probably having a stroke right now. I go, this is it. I should find a place to lay down.

I think about food more than sex, I think. That's awesome. Well, listen, food is fucking phenomenal, right? And you're lucky. You live in New York City, and then you come to LA. So you're in both places. And you're in two spots that have some of the greatest restaurants on the planet Earth. And if you're like a foodie,

if you're a foodie, you've got some cash, Jeff Ross. You can go wherever the fuck you want. I do. You can order a nice bottle of wine and have a fucking beautiful steak with the right accoutrements. And, you know, why wouldn't you? I mean, it's a beautiful pleasure.

And if I eat a steak, some red meat, it's fuck or fight. It's like i'm either on stage or you're on the toilet to go all night like if i as soon as i eat a steak and i don't eat them as much as i used to but we were eating a lot on the tour remember was you me and yamanika that was a great what was what were you guys having there like a porterhouse you know the thing where like not only are the ribs still there but the hooves like that kind of thing like really basically like a do-it-yourself do-it-yourself kind of steak bone-in river we really went to yeah we went to town on that should eat more of that i really love a good steak i don't think there's anything wrong with it i think what's wrong with

steak with with what people think was wrong with it's wrong with red meat is all the stuff you eat with it all the sugar and bullshit And bread and pasta Interesting And then alcohol And sedentary life There's a bunch of things But I think if you're a healthy person Who exercises all the time

I don't think steak's bad for you at all I don't even think a little bit I think it's good for you I think it's the opposite of bad for you I think all of our preconceived notions About what's healthy All of them vary Because some people

They really don't do good with red meat Some people don't do well with fish. People have weird bodies. I don't eat fish. I don't like it either. Do you eat it? Love it.

You do? Love fish. That right away like steps up your whole game, right? For sure. It's a life-saving thing. Well, if you get a lot

of those essential fatty acids that you can get from like an oily fish like a salmon, they're so good for you, man. They're so good at reducing inflammation. Do you take fish oil at all?

One of the best things you can take. Fish oil, krill oil, anything. Getting those essential fatty acids, which so many people are missing from their diet. Just getting a good, healthy supply of it every day. It's just good for everything, man. It's good for your skin. It's good for your brain. Good for muscle development. Fish oil.

Yeah, fish oil is phenomenal. It's good for inflammation. If you have joint aches and stuff like that, fish oil is... Do I have a booger? I feel like I have a booger. You know how you touch your nose and it feels moist? And you're like, what's happening here? Do I have a clinger? What's going on here?

We're good. I think you're clean. You're good. But fish oil is just one of the best things, man. It's so good for you. What is it? What is fish oil? It's oil extracted from fish.

The tears of the fish. Yeah. A little bit the fish. Yeah. A little bit of cum. They purify it. Dave sells that at the merch booth. Joe, so have you ever caught a sport fish, like a big one or anything, and then you would make steaks out of that too? I've done that with the most delicious thing I think I caught was a wahoo. I know what that is.

What is the other name for it? That's huge, too. There's another name for it. I think I caught was a wahoo. I know what that is. What is the other name for it? That's huge, too. There's another name for it. It was a pretty big one. Swordfish? No. We caught it in Hawaii. It was phenomenal, man.

It's big. Because we brought it. We were staying at a hotel, and we brought it to the waiter or the chef in the hotel would cook stuff for you. And you would just bring him the fish, and he would go, how do you guys think we want to prepare this? And so we said, I don't know.

What do you think? It's like, what would you do if somebody brought you this? He goes, I would prepare it a bunch of different ways, because this is a huge fish, so I could make you guys a little bit of ceviche, a little bit of sushi. I'm like, yes, perfect. Wow. So he cooked it six hours after it was dead. I mean, we caught it, and then six hours later, we're eating it for lunch.

It was insane. It was so good. That is cool. Oh, that's it was dead. I mean, we caught it, and then six hours later, we're eating it for lunch. It was insane. It was so good. That is cool. Oh, that's it right there. Wow. That's what it looks like. There's another name for it, though.

Hawaii, they call it an ono. Ono, that's right. That's right. It's delicious. It's so good. Look how the fish is looking at the camera, too. Oh, wait. That's not a... What?

That's crazy. You know But yeah Do you like fishing over hunting? No Fishing is harder I like them both You do? Hunting is way more intense

And I feel way worse for the animal Like I don't feel bad for fish Yeah Exactly Because you know For whatever reason I'm just being honest Like if I catch a big salmon

And I'm like Sorry dude Right But this is what I'm here for Like But when I shoot a deer There's always a little part of me That's like of big salmon yeah and i'm like sorry dude right but this is what i'm here for like but when i shoot a deer i'm there's always a little part of me that's like oh that's tough you know this is what i you know i eat and i know that if i don't do this they're going to die of either starvation

or disease or they're going to be ripped apart asshole first by coyotes like this is not a good end for them no matter what and me shooting them is probably the best end they're ever going to get. Interesting. All those justifications aside, it's a different feeling when you see, like, an elk down than when I catch a salmon. If I catch a salmon, it's 100% happiness. But what about when you pull the trigger? Seeing the animal down is one thing, but what about knowing it's coming? It's hard to keep your shit together.

That's the hunting. You get emotional? No, you don't. You get nervous. You don't want to fuck it up. You don't want to injure anything. So there's a lot of anticipation in that moment. It's very intense.

And whatever amount of meat you get from that animal, whenever you eat it, you're going to think about that moment. I think about that moment every time I eat a steak. You lick your lips. Well, you think about it like this was an intense life or death moment in life, like this circle of life, food chain moment in life that I participated in, and now I'm eating it. So I know exactly what the food is,

as opposed to going to Morton's, get a nice steak, and get some mashed potatoes. I don't know where the fuck they grew that potato. I don't know where that cow came from. I get that feeling when I open the can of Pringles, when I'm in the refrigerator aisle at Ralph's, and creamsicles. Do you like fishing at all? I used to fish as a kid in the Hudson River with my grandfather.

We would catch bass, and I really loved it. I haven't done it since I was a kid. Really? Yeah. It's fun. It's a fun thing to do. It's a passion. Yeah.

If you're doing a gig and you could find a spot that has a party boat, especially, and they'll take you out and everybody dunks a line and people are pulling fish left and right

and everybody's laughing and people are drinking beers. It's fucking fun, man. I bet. It's fun. Yeah. But that was a big thing in new england we used to do party boats for blue fish and we just go to a spot and everybody dropped

their line in they'd be pulling these fish up and then you know you cook them later that night it's fantastic wow just makes you think about what a fish is too and how weird it is we got this alien world connected to us we pull these things out cut their fucking heads off and cook them up well you've been to japan and all those places i have been to japan but i fucked up when i was there and i didn't go to the fish market yeah oh man i heard the fish market in tokyo is one of those it's like a million fish we don't even know about that they like it's crazy what they yeah it's it's so so interesting to see like you know we're so used to like you said bread and all that stuff it's like you know is it a meal without bread it's so interesting to see. We're so used to, like you said, bread and all that stuff. Is it a meal without bread? It's like these people go months without seeing a piece of bread.

Yeah, they're not into bread, and they're all thin. It's hilarious. Their noodles a lot of times are rice noodles. It's very different. There's wheat noodles there too, though, right? They eat different than us. They have a completely different style of eating. though right they just they eat different than us they have a completely different style of eating and just it's one of the coolest things about tokyo man is that it's almost like an alternative

country it's oh you mean the city because it's so different like say if you're in los angeles right you leave from los angeles and you know you're here in 2018 and you're driving around this is the way people live over here and this is how people are in traffic, and this is how people are when they come to the Comedy Store and all these different places. And then you go to Tokyo, you go, oh, wow. This is also people in 2018 that are living at the exact same time, but they're doing it totally differently. Everybody's super polite.

As you walk down the street, there's no people bumping into anybody. Nobody's yelling at anybody. They're very polite. But they're also very Japanese, right? The majority of the people you see are Japanese. Nobody's yelling at anybody. They're very polite. But they're also very Japanese, right? The majority of the people you see are Japanese. Yeah, it's homogeneous. Slightly integrated, right? I mean, you see some Africans there, you see some people like us there,

but it's mostly Japanese people. It's interesting to see. Have you seen this TV show on Amazon called The Man in the High Castle? No, what is it? It's a future... It's basically America if the Nazis won the war. Whoa.

And they partner with the Japanese. Whoa. And the Japanese own California, Northern California, and the Nazis own the rest of the country. And the Midwest is sort of a no man's land. So New York is Nazi New York. They split it at the Rockies.

But Japanese... Whoa. Is this a series? Yeah. It's in its third season. I'm obsessed with it. Philip Dick is the sci-fi writer. So he's classic.

It's one of his books. Oh, no shit. Yeah, so he's the mayor of New York. He's great, this guy. That guy's been in a lot of stuff. He's really good. What is his name? I forgot the actor's name.

Rufus Sewell. Sewellwell rufus sewell is that yeah is that i say it yeah he's really good look at the governor of new york what's he says the aubergruben fufur the aubergruben fufur is the governor of new york führer is the governor of new york yeah but it's a very interesting show basically new york cops wearing nazi armbands so they're still new york cops like hey the führer says i gotta give you a ticket you know it's a very interesting show. Basically, New York cops wearing Nazi armbands. So they're still New York cops like, hey, the Fuhrer says I got to give you a ticket. You know, it's like that. And it's fascinating how they do the show. But what's interesting about Japanese culture in the show is you see the fancy class, the aristocratic class of Japan runs, essentially, San Francisco. And you see how they're very snobby and very particular.

And they don't really like to mix with the Americans. Wow. With the Anglos. It's a fascinating show. That's a really, that guy, Philip K. Dick, do you know him? Am I saying his name right? Yeah, yeah. He really is.

He's really super cool in terms of the sci-fi stuff. Yeah. What else has he written? I've seen, there was another movie that I saw of his within the last two years. You're right. Could you bring up his books? Because I would know. What other movies did he do?

Or did they do, they adapt up his books? Because I would know. What other movies did he do? Or did they do? They adapt of his movies. What do we got here? So this guy wrote that show? Oh, Scanner Darkly. Wow, that's right. Damn. He wrote a lot of shit.

The Adjustment Team. Isn't that a movie, too? Adjustment Bureau. Yeah, okay. Interesting. Yeah, the art direction is really cool the idea of nazifying america you know what's interesting too is you can still do that in a movie where you can still play nazis as long as they're you know the bad people and some right historical thing or some something that's going on now.

That's really the only way you could portray Nazis. Like you're not allowed to be a Nazi for Halloween. Sorry. Right. You can't like people have said, like people have tried it and you get called out for it. Like there's rules now. You can't be a,

you can be a Nazi if you want to get on that show. What are your, what did your kids go for Halloween? Did they, did they do that? Yeah, they were mermaids. It was very adorable. They were mermaids.

But if you're dressing up for Halloween, you could be so many terrible things. You could be vampires and werewolves and demons and everybody's, okay, cool, cool. And dictators. I went as a plastic straw. Genghis Khan. You could be Genghis Khan. Can't be Hitler. You could be Saddam Hussein and people will laugh. Yes. Saddam Hus went as a plastic straw. Genghis Khan. You can be Genghis Khan. Can't be Hitler. You can be Saddam Hussein and people will laugh.

Yes. Saddam Hussein. We got him. We got that guy. But if he dresses Mengele, you've ruined the party. If you dress as Osama Bin Laden, that might get your ass kicked. You might get your ass kicked for that one. That was too soon.

But if you dress like like you could probably dress like uh the president of iran what's that dude's name that dude that came over here and said a bunch of crazy shit about gay people you know i'm talking about but why but why let's just talk about it for a second i remember when people were offended that there was an anne frank halloween costume now if the point of talking about the holocaust or something like that is never forget people were offended that there was an Anne Frank Halloween costume. Now, if the point of talking about the Holocaust or something like that is never forget, and a 14-year-old, in a non-mocking way, wants to embody Anne Frank, why is that offensive? I don't understand that.

But they're never going to do it non-mocking. Every time you're making a Halloween costume, you're almost always trying to be silly, right? You're always going to try, Oh, look, Aunt Frank, he's hiding in the attic. Halloween it costs. But, I don't know. It all depends on, to me, your intentions.

100%. You should be able to wear whatever the fuck you want. That's why I never understood when that Prince Harry got all this shit for dressing like a Nazi. It's like, I don't know, maybe.

When did he dress like a Nazi? He dressed for, it was a costume party. Yeah When did he dress like a Nazi? He dressed for, it was a costume party. Yeah. And he dresses as a Nazi? And then all the World War II veterans are like,

what, you know, what would you do, why would you do that? You know? Because it doesn't mean he's glorifying it, does it?

I guess, if he's the prince. Right, but you could be a Mongol. You could be one of the Mongol horde that toured through Europe. But he's also a symbol

unto itself. He's a symbol of the English royalty and all that kind of stuff. I guess because it's hundreds of thousands of years later. But he grew up all right. He got out of it. That motherfucker's living under a microscope, though. What he can get away with.

But pretty much no one can get away with being a Nazi anymore. There was a guy from North Carolina or something like that recently. Him and his son were Nazis for Halloween. There's one person that can get away with it, and I can't say too much because we haven't released it yet, but Gilbert Gottfried. He can get away with it. I know what he can.

If you're a Jew, you can get away with it. Yeah. I don't know about that. Yeah, you can. Everybody's upset all the time. Well, that was one of the things about Roseanne, too. Yes. Go ahead.

You're right. Remember when she did that? She dressed as a Nazi? Yeah. I always think that stuff's funny. When I was a 13-year-old kid in Hebrew school or grade school learning about the First Amendment, this is one of the reasons I became a comedian was because I used to just draw swastikas on my notebooks. Just because I knew I could.

I was like were they would teach us about dictatorships and i would go wow so in any other country they can't do this and i would just do it make myself smile and then cross it out and i go in any other country i'd get my tongue cut out i go that's the beautiful beautiful thing is that you can say fucked up terrible you can dress like an asshole like bad taste is not a crime. Right. Yeah, and that was what one of the – you remember the Yale uprising a couple years back? There was a guy, Nicholas, Greek name, and his wife.

They were at Yale, and the wife sent out an email saying that we need to stop policing people's costumes it's halloween costumes right she got fired yeah and you can have a politically incorrect halloween costume like we should relax and people started freaking out they cornered him in the in the square right we're screaming that's right nick here it is chris christakis christakis i don't want to fuck up so nicholas christakis so uh he's a Greek-American sociologist and physician. And he was teaching at Yale. And these kids were, they confronted him and they were screaming at him like, this is our safe place.

You fucking ruined our place. It was so bizarre and strange and hostile. And he was just trapped out there with these nonsensical kids screaming at him that he's racist and this whole thing is racist and you shouldn't be able to wear whatever costume you want. No one even specified what we're talking about. It was ethnic costumes. That's supposed to appropriate another culture.

Even though it's just for the party i guess it doesn't matter man people are just looking for a reason to be upset it doesn't have to make any sense but but the whole idea of like this thing this woke uh thing like my niece and my niece and nephew are going to call you know they're going to get ready to go to college and i'm like oh god this is going to be so difficult you know because they're going to come out of this machine you know pretty much looking at me as like you know pretty much i'm already not that relevant but like just like all of my references and stuff like that it's just going to be so you know inappropriate you know right right and and it's like when you go to college you're

supposed to go to the open your mind not to really focus your opinion that you already have so that's what i felt was like, I felt like everybody's like, I don't want to play a college show. And we're all dreading like the day when we have to play a show like that, where, you know, everybody there has that group think, you know,

you have to adapt and you do adapt. I know, you don't give yourself enough credit. I adapt fine, but I'm just saying like playing a college show now, you probably could do it, but I don't think I could. Of course you could.

Yeah. You adapt in terms of doing a set you can definitely do a set yeah but you hate yourself that ride home you won't want to do that yeah you'd hate yourself what you want to do is be able to do

whatever you want to do and it would make you want to do it too it would make you want to go push it you're not offensive or mean yeah you're not

a bad person yeah but they don't take that into account the words coming out of your mouth they take them literally that's why we're in this state that we're in now exactly that's what I'm saying they don't take that into account. The words coming out of your mouth, they take them literally. That's why we're in this state that we're in now. Exactly. They don't see the irony or the sarcasm.

The sense of humor in this country has never been lower. And I can say that as what Jeff's talking about, when we were little kids, like Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. These movies that everybody was watching them, enjoying them. Now they have all these hidden meanings and people look into that. And I'm like, it was just it was like just a fun time. You know, it was just like a fun experience. You know, it wasn't like that was like the template for how to live.

Well, I think you can bounce back. But I think what's happening now is there's a certain number of people that want to be able to change the way other people talk and what they talk about. Because they're ultra sensitive so they have this giant reaction to things that may or may not be relevant. And it's a debate whether or not it's relevant. Some things we've changed, right? Like certain words that you used to be able to say easily just a few years ago, way harder to get away with saying now because the culture is shifting in a way that's becoming more

sensitive. So probably that's good as long as they understand context and intent. Context and intent is why comedy works. That doesn't mean we should disavow Mel Brooks because he used the N-word 50 times in a movie. Of course not. It's a different time. When my Uncle Murray said, when I brought a Chinese

girlfriend home to my Pop Jack, and he's like, east is east and west is west and never the two shall meet. We didn't kick my grandfather out of the family. We just said, Pop, you're – Kick the Ryan to Congress. Listen, that guy grew up – like, what we were watching, that guy grew up in World War II. Of course.

I mean, that – no one could ever – there's no way we're going to understand that. Right. could ever there's no way we're going to understand that right the difference in the way people saw the world that had to deal with an actual world war to this soft pampered ass life we're living i don't condone racism but i understand why people hold grudges right oh yeah if you went over to vietnam and lost half your fucking friends and you came back over here and you're fucked up still because of it like i don't condone racism but i think that anytime you're forced into a situation where your country is at war with another side it's probably really hard for people to forgive people right you know i mean how how hard is it that was one of the things that someone said about the japanese and not really too thrilled with

americans and i said well how how do you think you'd feel if you were showing up 40 years after someone had literally nuked your country twice? Just annihilated hundreds of thousands of people with one bomb. I mean, made shadows on the concrete of where someone's body used to be. Just vaporized them. Women, children, babies, grandma, grandpa. Everybody gets it. Boom. I mean, who the fuck is going to be nice after that?

It takes a long time to forget that shit. Who's that baseball, the Japanese baseball guy? Sadaharu Yo. Yeah, they got to negotiate that into the contract. And you got to give me a little extra for, you know, Hiroshima. Nagasaki. Reparations. A little something else.

They did it twice. America doesn't give itself enough shit for having the internment camps here. I don't know if you've ever been to one of those. There's one up on Washington State on Bainbridge Island. There's one on Bainbridge Island? Really? Yeah. Bainbridge is beautiful.

I can't believe they had an internment camp out there. They had an internment camp there. Jesus. Yeah. We're not all. And we got into that war late, man. We don't give ourselves enough shit for that either. Yeah. We're not all And we got into that war late man We don't give ourselves enough shit for that either Yeah Wasn't the guy from Star Trek

Yeah Wasn't he What is his name George Takai George Takai He's a survivor He lived in a Japanese internment camp When he was a little kid

FDR was president for four terms Isn't that crazy Was he reallydr was president for four terms isn't that crazy was he really yeah president for four term he died in his a year and it was fourth term how can you sure about that was it four or three but it definitely was more than three and then he got elected then they stopped after that they were like it can only be two right but i bet you they're gonna yeah wow that's amazing if you had a great president though you be like, I want to keep doing this job. Bloomberg did that. If a guy's an awesome CEO of Google, Google is kicking ass now.

You've got to step down, bro. Only eight years. It's like the only gig where when you're really – it has so much power. We're like, you just can't keep running this. You've got to give up the reins. Everybody has to give up the reins. We never let the best person run it forever. You would think once Clinton got a head of steam under him, just feed his carnal desires.

No, it's like quarterback. You're only going to have a few good seasons. Right. But how many years do you think the public would have kept him in? If you had a guy like Barack Obama, how many years, if they just let him go, until he doesn't want to do it anymore, until we don't want him to do it anymore, how many years do you think he could keep doing it? Man, he might be able to do it for four or five terms.

Easily. Maybe even more. Easily. Especially if it showed that his policies were working, because, you know, all these policies, economic policies, they take years in order to see real world benefits. Look, if you take the actual campaigning out of it, you know, they're really only president for two years because it's like they're campaigning on the way in and then they're campaigning on the way out. And it's like, you know, that's for all of our government. And like, we're all like, I guess, victims of that.

So it's sad. Callen was trying to explain it the other day about the amount of time that a congressman or senator or any politician spends raising money versus the amount of time that they spend actually doing their job it's like it's not even close and it's so humbling like their job is awesome we see them on c-span banging a gavel and making a point and handing out a medal to a soldier and then you go see an actual political fundraiser and it's so boring it's like cory Booker standing on a basement floor at Cantor's on a Sunday morning. There's no glamour to it at all.

It sucks. It's our worst gig ever. If I took you to a... If we had to go where the three of us had to show up where politicians have to show up to raise money, you'd be screaming at your agent going, are you fucking kidding me with this microphone and there's no lights and no one could hear me and I'm fucking talking to a wall

and there's no food, everyone's starving. It's like the worst. That is so true. It's so true. So why anybody would do this freaking job of trying to, I'm going to try to help people. Fuck you. We're going to expose you. We're going to beat you up.

We're going to go into all your business. Well, Trump was the only one that did it with a built-in giant audience right from the jump. Like right from the jump, he had a giant audience. People going crazy. He tours. Yeah. On our dime. He's touring it right now.

If Hillary had gone on Real Housewives instead of the Senate, she would have been president. She probably would have. Can you imagine seeing Hillary and Bill around the house? She just got super famous for just being a lady instead of being a politician. That's true. She probably would have

in some ways, right? She was almost hindered by the fact that she was Bill Clinton's wife. If she was just a senator by herself and a lawyer who became a senator, she probably would have way more of a shot of winning. Same person, right? People always say, you know, what did Trump do for the working man? He entertained them. Like, that show was great.

People love that show. It's true. Even now, don't you click on the stories first? You don't go to, you're not reading about the genocide in Rwanda. You're reading that Trump, like, accidentally spelled something wrong. That's the top news story. That's our, yeah. Well, lately there's all these new chargers being brought up that I didn't know about.

And new people are getting arraigned. It's like watching a crazy drama. We have very short attention span in this country. And we expect results. And that's why in the news cycle, the way it is now, it like you know have you ever been in a hotel where you're like like for some reason you're caught in like the three or four hour news cycle where you see the same story and whatever and then it's like one more detail and then they'll like start it up again and you're like wow you know any minute i'm gonna get a phone call because now i could be a panelist i know everything you know you know like we figured it out he was wearing shoes you know

but I you used to watch TV news shows though you don't fuck around online Dave knows every show Dave knows every show I love

I love I like the I like watching the whole day like cycle you know like I just think it's especially

when it's something like an event that's happening and you get to see you know them figuring it out because they can't wait to an event that's happening and you get to see, you know, them figuring it out. Because they can't wait to know this whole story now because it has to be immediate. So you get to see them, like, start it, you know. And it's like going to journalism school almost.

You know, like, okay, something bad happened here. Like they're working on their bits. Yeah, exactly. They have to introduce them, right where Breaking news Breaking news We've been told They don't know exactly What the fuck's going on That's definitely like

You know, my mom You know, we have She has some memory issues And stuff like that But like waiting until 6 o'clock To find out what happened In the world You know, like that's

Those days are over Can you imagine if we did that? Like that's a new rule You know Those days are over Like I remember when the Like how did we get through The whole day? You know Right, how did we get through I remember when the Challenger blew up. Like, how did we get through the whole day?

You know? Right, how did we get through the whole day? I remember when the Challenger blew up, what they used to do back in the day, they would interrupt. Yes. And that was exciting. Yes. Big. We have some terrible news in the world of entertainment.

We have to pause the game just to. Howard, I was sitting on the bed with my dad watching Monday Night Football. And Cosell just changed his mood all of a sudden. Oh, right. The music Beatles legend, John Lennon. And I thought he said Jack Lemmon. You know, John Lennon was assassinated outside his apartment. And that's like, yeah, you remember broadcasting Howard Cosell announcing something or when the moon launch took off.

There's no moment now where you're like, I remember a certain broadcaster announcing a certain thing. No, no. You hear one version of it, but then you hear so many versions of it, you forget which one you heard first. Like, I remember when I saw the Twin Towers fell. Yeah. When I saw it the first time I saw it on television, didn't know i don't know who said it i don't know who was giving the the newscast it didn't doesn't even register just have to they just have to be believable that was yeah that was definitely a local news moment because i was in new york and

my mom goes turn on the tv and then we could see the coverage right there so it's like that was before the web where you could go like okay i'm going to get deeper into this it was like waiting on the next bit of information so i was i was laying in bed in new york and i found out from uh the great newscaster ralphie may who was screaming into my answering machine calling me the n-word wake up because he knew i was flying out of new y York that day. And he was in L.A. And he's like, turn on the TV.

And it was just him yelling in my answer machine. It was like, entered my dream. And I kind of heard sirens in the back of my dream because all the ambulances were running down Broadway. And I turned it on just to see the second tower fall down. But Ralphie, he was my Walter Cronunkite shout out to ralphie miss that guy we lost a lot of good ones this year sean rouse yes do you know him yeah he's always like great opener of mine he was so funny man great guy i always saw him in weird places with dave you guys were pals yeah he was really good and um you know right out of tex. Yeah, he was really good. And, you know, right out of Texas.

And he was such a good guy. He was out of that Houston area. Yeah. Houston, back in those days, there was a lot of that old laugh stop in River Oaks. Yeah. There was a lot of great comics. Those local guys, they had quality local comics. Like, you would do a set there, and the guys would open it for you.

You'd be like, holy shit, you guys are funny. And you remember the whole myth of the Texas outlaws? I used to eat that up. I was like, tell me another story. I want to hear another story. That was Hicks and Kinison, really. And Carl LeBeau. And Jimmy Pineapple.

Jimmy Pineapple. I worked with Jimmy Pineapple. First time I ever did that club there. Great guy. Funny dude, too. Yeah, those guys, like, you know. Did you ever see Jimmy? Jeff Ross?

I never saw Jimmy Pineapple. I don't think I even heard of him until this moment. Funny dude. He was one of the outlaws, the early outlaws. With Schubert. When Schubert used to go on the road with him, too. You know, Marin. Marin was one of the guys that was with him in town.

I didn't know that. How did you become one of the Texas comedy outlaws? How did you become one? It was like a group of these wild comics down in... There he is. There's Jimmy Pineapple. Good looking guy. Glorious mustache.

He would bring his own microphone. Funny dude, though. I don't want to put any new stuff out there. I'm going to watch that. Good guy, though, too. I've worked with him. He was really nice. James Pineapple.

That was when I first worked that club I love that club That was a great one That was one of the greatest Rooms of all time man I did my Warner Brothers CD there In 1999

Wow Yeah That fucking club was so hot It was packed Tight ceiling Wild motherfuckers Texas people Wild Texas people

I love Texas Comedy shows Just chaos Drinking Good times Fun nice people That are smart But that also Like to get fucked up Absolutely Wild Texas people. I love Texas comedy shows. Just chaos, drinking, good times. Fun, nice people that are smart, but that also like to get fucked up. Absolutely. Aren't you in Texas this weekend?

I don't know where I am yet. You don't know where you are? I'm waiting to hear on my schedule. Because you have a phone. Exactly, yeah. It's buffering. I actually took Dave to a phone store. Yeah.

We were preparing for the tapings, and he never texted me back. And I'm like, we're walking by this. And I'm like, just come in and look. And he literally looks at the iPhone like it's the enemy of the people. I have multiple phones. You held it with disdain. I have an iPhone also. The guy goes, you can do anything on this.

You can text. You can make a point. You can do anything. You can write jokes. You can record your shows. And Dave goes, you could do anything on this. You could text. You could make a point. You could do anything. You could write jokes. You could record your shows. And Dave goes, should we really play God? I had a couple of good lines. But I don't go past an iPhone 2.

I feel like that's pushing it. Because now it's like up to 10, right? You have an iPhone 2? Like, yeah. How many iPhones compared to... Jamie burst. How many iPhones compared to how many are like how many iphones compared to jb burst how many iphones compared to how many rocky movies are there how many rocky movies are there now because seven is on the

rockies because now we have dos creeds the second creed is act now i guess it is because it's working off of the actual uh narrative of rocky do you hear michael b jordan is talking about boxing roy jones jr yeah i thought that was a cool oh god i hope it's a joke just straight up narrative of Rocky. Do you hear Michael B. Jordan is talking about boxing Roy Jones Jr.? Yeah, I thought that was a joke. Oh God, I hope it's a joke. Just straight up boxing, not like a Muay Thai? Listen, don't do that, Michael. Just don't do that.

I'm sure he's a great athlete. He's a beautiful kid. He's got a great body. Looks like he knows how to box. When he throws punches, it looks like he really actually knows how to box. I'm sure he's a really good athlete. He's built like a brick shithouse.

Boxing Roy Jones Jr. is a preposterous idea. You don't know how to get hit I'm sure he's a really good athlete and he's built like a brick shithouse, but boxing Roy Jones Jr. is a preposterous thing. You don't know how to get hit. What's the upside? You never work again or you become a boxer? You hang in there with him and you look like a hero.

I mean, you clip him and hurt him. I mean, it is a humanly possible thing. Like when two people are throwing punches at each other that one of them can hit the other guy. But the downside is just ruined. Roy Jones Jr. is one of the greatest

boxers of all time. And still to this day knows how to box. It's not like he forgot. How old is he? He's pushing 50. 49. Yeah. He's pushing 50. Do you think someone challenged him? Whose idea was it?

I think he was just talking shit. He was just probably being asked, like, who would you like to box? Who's your hero? How many rounds, though? Did it have to go a certain amount? Oh, there you go. What exactly happened? He asked him, who would you want to fight today?

And he said, Roy Jones. He would probably beat me in his prime, but I'd probably fight him today. It's probably just like that. Oh, that is an outrageous thing to say. Just an asshole thing to say. This is George Foreman. Listen, he probably would kill you in his prime. I mean, the idea that he would just beat you.

I mean, Roy Jones Jr., when he was in his prime, you were just waiting to see. He was in a Nas song. They said Roy Jones, the new Mike Tyson's Roy Jones. This is like in the 1990s. People forgot how good Roy Jones Jr. was. He was putting his hands behind his back and then knocking people out. He was doing ridiculous shit. He knocked out light heavyweight champion Virgil Hill with a body shot.

Do you want to hear it so we can hear the context? Okay. Sure, let's listen to it. So I heard that you, after all your training for the Creed movies, you can hold your own in a fight. I mean, I can do my thing a little bit, you know what I'm saying? I've been working out with Rocky, been working out with Apollo Creed, I'm gonna do my thing. Absolutely. So, now who all time would you want to step into the ring with? Whether it's a boxer, wrestler, UFC fighter, anybody.

Like Roy Jones, bro. Roy Jones? Roy Jones, that's my dude, bro. You think you can hold your own? I feel like I can do my thing a little bit. Yeah? I can hold my thing. Right now, in his prime, nah, he'll think you can hold your own? I feel like I can do my thing a little bit. Yeah? Hold my thing. Right now, in his prime, nah,

he'll probably knock my ass out, but like right now, I can do my thing. Why answer that question? That's a, well listen, he was, Hey Joe, were you funnier than George Carlin

in his prime? Can you just answer that in the middle of the street right now? I can do my thing right now since he dead. I know you've had a few drinks in the restaurant.

I'm gonna ask you the worst question. Let me tell you something right now, I'm on coke, cocaine. Let me answer some questions. I'm going to ask you the worst question. I'm going to tell you something right now. I'm on coke. Cocaine. Let me answer some questions. I'll fuck Roy Jones Jr. up. But he said he was training with Rocky.

That was the best part. And Apollo Creed. He doesn't even know their names. He doesn't know. The old dude. The old dude. The black guy and the black guy. I mean, I loved him in Black Panther, too.

He's awesome. He plays a good superhero. He's a great bad guy. I love his movies. He was a good superhero. He's a great bad guy. I love his movies. He was a good bad guy in that movie. But, you know, it's like you just shouldn't answer that. Just made a mistake. You know, young, cocky, full of life.

Everything's going well. You know, and again, built like a goddamn superhero. Probably thinks he could box the world. There's just a different thing that's going to be happening if you're standing in front of roy jones jr it's a different thing he's he's got a computer that's many many times you bring roy more robust than yours when it comes to boxing but just taking the punishment it's not like you know it's like okay that's enough it's what if roy jones jones gives you a concussion and you never act again what's the upside for you he can tee up on by the way a 50 year old boxer looks at this actor,

Pretty Boy, and it's like when they brought what's-his-name out of the box in Pulp Fiction. Yeah. I mean, he's jacked, though. Look at him. Dude's built like a seriously built like a superhero. Wow. See, the thing is, there's such a giant difference between

learning how to box and being a good athlete athlete like he clearly is and being Roy Jones Jr. The gap is so wide. It's like if I did a movie about playing basketball and then I wanted to play a one-on-one versus Kobe Bryant.

You know, I've been playing this movie for a couple years, man. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. Even though I never did any competitive basketball plan. Like you were in the white shadow or something. It looks like he got beat up. He's a movie star, bro. He's got fake blood on his welts. That was in the movie.

I'm sure he knows how to throw his hands. I'm sure he does. He looks good in the movies. He looks like he really knows what he's doing. But Roy Jones Jr. is one of the greatest of all time. He was a phenom. He knows how to box in a way that you're never going to understand. So how long has he been since he boxed?

Ten years? I mean, Roy Jones had a fight within the last two years. I think his last fight was, I want to say it was less than two years ago. I think he retired. He had a bunch of fights over in Russia. He actually became a Russian citizen. This year? Is that it? This year.

This year. Jesus Christ. Play some of it. He's not just challenging a retired boxer. He's challenging a boxer. He's fucking Roy Jones Jr. This is a different thing. It's one thing if you're a top level pro right now and you feel like you would have gotten knocked out by Roy in his prime

but you can give him a go right now. That's believable. You're a professional boxer. You've been honing your craft in the gym for years and years. You've been sparring and working with high level coaches. Look at him. He's still Roy Jones Jr. Still Roy Jones Jr.

Even though he's 40. I mean, come on, man. He's still boxing. It doesn't matter. One's an actor, one's still boxing. It doesn't matter. He's boxing and looking good. One's an actor. One's a boxer. But Roy Jones is in a boxing match here, and he's looking good. I mean, he's obviously not fighting a guy who's the best in the world. So if you're Roy Jones Jr., do you call your agent right now? He's already been saying it.

See if the kid's serious. What's the money? He's already been doing all these interviews. He said, like, I don't want to get out of bed early in the morning, but if he wants to really do this, we could do this. For Roy Jones, it would be a wonderful opportunity to show people what boxing is all about. Oh, let me see what he said. I would love to see that.

Here, let's hear what Roy says. Of course I saw the video. First thing is, you know, I never ducked a fight in my life. I don't duck nothing, right? Never. I didn't run for Hurricane to come down here. So, I ain't running for nobody. If Michael B. wants this for real,

contact Roy Jones here and we will make it happen. You got my number, he can contact you and get my number so there's no question about how can I find him. You know how to find him. Get Roy's number from TMC and let's make it happen.

He said in the video, he said, I think he would probably have killed me back in his prime. True, that's true. How about now though? Do you actually give him any chance to beat you now even though you are 49, Roy? I know he can't beat me still because, I mean, I know he's probably in better condition because he's younger and he probably thinks he can go longer and probably thinks he may be able to

even outwork me now. But, I'm a vet. I'm an old school vet. Old school vet ain't going out like that. To have the heart to come to the ring with me, I love it. You understand me? So, I want to understand what boxing is. So, I'm not out there to just take him out right away because then you don't get the experience of the boxing match.

I'm a professional like I am and I know he's big and strong because he got stronger for the movie. Then I should be able to avoid all that, take him in the deep water so he understands what a boxing match really is. He comes out, he don't want to say, oh, I got knocked out the first round. He wouldn't give his whole life. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to leave you off that easy. I'm going to need five, six rounds actually. So I want you to see how it really feels. So that's why I'm talking like that. Not because I think he can really match my skills. I really don't. Even at 49. How long would you need, Roy, to get right to where you could step in there?

Like what's the soonest we could make this fight happen? I probably need, for him, about four or five weeks. It's on. It's on. Michael, please listen to me. Don't do this. Someone call Stuff Hub. Just don't do this. Someone call StubHub. Just don't do this.

This is not going to work out well. Especially if you're, I would assume both of them are not going to be drug tested. I don't think either one of them wants to pee in a bucket. And if they just let Roy go to Dr. Feelgood and pump him up with hormones, this is going to be a rout. This would be terrifying. Imagine Michael and pump him up with hormones. This is going to be a rout. This is going to be terrifying. Imagine Michael getting that call from his agent. Hey, we have an offer for you to do this new superhero movie. It's going to be amazing.

Michael's like, I'm booked that whole five weeks. Yeah, I got it for five weeks. I got to train for Roy Jones Jr. Like, don't do it. But this is a new genre of TV show of the real guy versus the guy who played it in the movie. I want to see doctors against guys who played a doctor. I want to see astronauts against guys who think they're an astronaut. I want to see it all.

Navy SEAL from a movie versus real Navy SEAL. Dinosaur versus chicken. I want to see it. Isn't that what Mark Wahlberg said if he was on the plane? Yeah. Spy versus. Did he really say that, though? Yeah.

That's what everybody says. I never he really say that though yeah that's what everybody says i never heard him say that it's a funny funny thing to think it's a crazy thing to think you know you who knows what the fuck you would do if you thought that you were just going to land somewhere you know that's the idea is that you knew what was going to happen before it happened nobody knows well while that shit's going down someone's got box cutters they're holding a waitress they're holding a stewardess by the neck like yeah you don't know what the fuck's happening you have no idea what's going on you're afraid to move yeah and you know i'm sure that a lot of people would step up but you you know it could potentially cost that person their life and then when the plane

lands that person's dead when they may be if you don't know right you don't know the actual scenario now obviously we know it was a horrible thing and you should do whatever you can to stop them because they're going to kill everybody no matter what but back then you didn't know i mean if someone just took the plane and landed it yeah stewardess you didn't know that's right you would be like glad i didn't do anything you jumped up and he cut her face off yeah you know it's like in in those moments when you don't know what's going to happen so if i was on that plane okay if with my kids it wouldn't have went down like it did there would have been a lot of blood in that first class cabin then me saying okay we're going to land

somewhere safely don't worry hmm yeah that see i i see where he's coming from, right? He's got kids that he loves. He's got a family that he loves. He wouldn't have sat still. That's what he's saying. Yeah. That's what he's saying. And in his mind, he probably has that conviction. Even if it meant ruining everybody's life.

Would you, you know, would it work? If it didn't work, like, what do they have? Do you know what they have? They don't know. You know they have a box cutter. Do they have anything else? How many of them are there? You don't know. You know they have a box cutter. Do they have anything else? How many of them are there? You don't know.

Yeah. Is anybody going to back you up? Does anybody else know how to fight? You know, you could get fucked up. You could step up thinking you're Billy Badass, and this guy is some trained martial artist who smashes your face in and cuts you up with a box cutter. That could happen, too. It still pulls his belt off and blows the plane up.

It could. Who the fuck knows, man? That's why there's professionals, right? That's where there's professional, those air marshals that can assess the situation and figure out. And obviously, you know, they weren't, either they weren't there on that plane or they couldn't help. I got chills thinking about it if I was in that position. How could you? I mean, who the fuck knows what you would do?

Well, since I look like I'm on the other team, I would have said, my friend. Come on. Imagine fucking it up. My friend. My friend. My friend. Come on, get up and do your. I'm like, I'm not part of the team.

Dave, do your foreign guy thing. Fuck, man. Yeah, you'd be, you know. Have you ever ever been so scared at your frozen instant for a second oh yeah yeah i mean you you can't know what the right thing to do is and the wrong thing could be so catastrophic right you don't know plus plus he went as far as to say like that he's making announcements on the plane. Yeah. When this is all happening. Like, we're landing safe. Like, he's now the pilot.

In the movies, he gets to be a hero. That's true, yeah. In the movie, you get to grab the intercom at the end and go, thanks for flying so-and-so air. Sometimes you say things like that because that's how you feel. And you don't think about how other people are going to perceive it. That's what I would assume that statement is. It's kind of. That's how he felt. Like, fuck that. I'm landing this fucking plane. It's confidence. I'm going to perceive it that's what i would assume that statement is that's how he felt like that i'm landing this plane i'm gonna kill these terrorists

yeah right that's what he told his kids one night the problem is you're saying that to billions of people and billions of people hear that and they go what and then all these people get to assess your your statement whether or not it has any makes any sense like what are you gonna do you can kick everybody's ass okay you sure i know a lot of dudes who if they were there and you tried to do that you'd get smashed right like there's scary people in this world holding weapons on a planet i would assume if you're ready to die like that you have a very strange kind of conviction too if you know you're ready to die and you know how to fight like Jesus I don't mean who knows but it's like just the idea that you would have to think about it that's what's really

terrifying what do you mean the idea that you would have to think like what do I do if something is someone does hijack don't we all think that yeah every every situation now there's that what we do do what happens yeah what do you do i mean so you hear people run and they survive and people run get shot down and they go the wrong way anytime a tragedy like that happens like what the fuck horrific random set of sequences and you're in the wrong spot and you do do the right heroic. How about how many people must do the heroic thing and then they die anyway and you never know about it? Oh, for sure.

I wonder what Uncle Steve did in that situation. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of... It seems like those fucking things are happening more and more lately. All the time. I don't know if it's... Is the rate more accelerated now than it's ever been before,

as well as the numbers of these shootings and shit? It's like, what is happening? What the fuck is going on that this keeps happening? And they happen like every couple of days, there's like a little one, like a two or three people one, which is not that big a deal anymore. Well, that's what it was when it was about knives and swords. People would go on a killing spree.

Yeah. But now it's you kill more people. And, you know, not everybody would die with a knife. London has a bunch of knife attacks. London has so many knife attacks that their uh their their murder rate exceeded new york city's murder rate with just knives wow google that make sure that's true the machete attack the fucking president or the the mayor of the president the mayor of london was saying something that they won't tolerate knives anymore can't have knives sounds sounds

better i know but everybody's like, what? In New York, you have a guy who's off his meds and he's just like walking around with a hammer. It doesn't really matter what the weapon is. Okay. London has overtaken New York for murders for the first time in modern history after a surge of knife crimes

across the capital. Verdict, though, selective use of statistics from the start of 2018 appeared to bear this out, but the reality is that New York still appears to be more violent than London. Yes. Huh. That was written by a New Yorker. That was written by a New Yorker.

New York is so back right now, man. New York's on fire. It's great. You love it? It's great. I haven't been there as much in the last few weeks, but when I'm there, all summer I was there. You're a bi-coastal guy, though. You're a freedom guy.

I love the way you're living your life. You just fly here. You fly there. Have you been to his houses? No, but I've seen photos of the pool. The L.A. one is awesome. The New York one is like, I don't know. Dump?

You can tell he doesn't live there. Oh, I see. It's like a crash pad, see it's like it's like a crash pad but it's a it's a it's a nice place i'm not saying it isn't but it's an old school new york building with the elevator with the guy has to use you know the elevator old fancy snobby fifth avenue co-op nice hello mr ross yeah they're not snobby they're not snobby but like you know i had to go through a co-op interview. Buddy Hackett wrote my recommendation.

That's hilarious. That's hilarious. New York, it's all rules. So many permits. LA is tricky. There's shootings. There's fires. That's why that caravan turned back.

Is that one? No. Did you see the photos of people running towards the border and gas coming at them? The whole idea of knowing that there's a big group of people headed towards the border. I'm like, what is this? What's going on here? People are fleeing. They're terrified.

Imagine what they are leaving to come to that. Oh, for sure. Imagine what's at home. Who's playing Honduras? It's crazy that it's all like this planned out event. Like everybody's watching the migration

headed towards the border. Has this ever happened before? Yeah, there was something that someone posted about Obama in 2013. During the Obama administration, it wasn't like Obama was hucking tear gas

over the fence. But somebody during that administration appeared to have used tear gas on an illegal immigrant as well. But it wasn't – I don't think it was this kind of thing. This kind of thing seems – It's like the Cuban boat lift. That's what I felt like about it. It's like they're fleeing like a despot or you know yeah it's political and economic it's everything i mean we they want to come to the promised land like all of our

ancestors did that's why we're here but then we got to a point like i don't think it's just about just about they want to come here it's about what's at home that they got to get away yes yes and now with the internet and information they go, maybe we don't have to be in this gang. Sure. Maybe I can get my kid out when he's three instead of watching him die at 15. Yeah, and have opportunity. I mean, that's what everybody wanted that came here in the first place. It's just at this point, if you're a poor person from Guatemala, I mean, how hard is it to immigrate to America?

If you don't have any skills, you have a very short education? It's got to be really fucking hard to become a U.S. citizen. Probably super difficult. You've got to be super brave. You've got to learn another language to really figure out how to get through all the other countries and into America. You don't have to learn it, but it certainly helps if you want to thrive. I would go to Costa Rica. Have you been down there?

Love it. Yeah, like everybody I know who's been there, they're like, this is the place. I'm going to move here after I retire. So that might be like a good second place. A guy offered me weed, girls, and Coke in front of my daughter while I was holding her hand. I was like, damn. And surf lessons. Everybody there is a professional surfer.

On the beach, man. The guy's like, what you want, girls? You want Coke? I'm like, yeah, bro. I'm holding a five-year-old's hand. This is outrageous. She's like, Coke, friend?

That sounds great. Back-to-school discount. Yeah, I'm like, what? Dude is offering me cocaine like right there. What you need? Monkeys are everywhere, man. Really?

There you go. Monkeys. Fucking, they eat Oreos. They open them up and chew the white part first. Yeah, they eat so many Oreos that they know how to pop them open and chew that white shit. Wow, like a show.

Yeah, we were concerned. We were like, should we really give the monkey a cookie? I mean, cookies are toxic. It's all sugar. We gave the monkey. The monkey took that thing, popped the top, and started chewing that white stuff. I was like, damn, that monkey probably lives on a steady diet of Oreos. Wow.

Because the Oreos Are in the minibar At the hotel And the monkey's right there And you're like Yeah but I'm an Oreo man I want to see him happy They have no fear of people

Just none at all No they have a little bit of fear There's a little bit of apprehension There's They definitely Size you up Because I'm sure They run into dickhead humans

Sure And they're fucking dangerous man I mean if they decide To fuck you up They they can hurt you. They can claw your face apart. They can bite you. Sure, yeah. They can really do damage, especially if they decide to act as a group.

Wow. But they just seem to be interested in getting food. I had a monkey swing at me once on a TV set, and I'll never forget it. I'll never go near another one. Swing at your face? Yeah. Just, I don't know. Oof.

I was holding its hand. Oh. We were entering, like. We were entering. I was hosting a gong show pilot a million years ago. And I was entering with a fucking chimp holding his hand. We were matching tuxedos. And I got along with him all day, rehearsals and then whatever. When that band kicked in and the lights were in the roll and the audience was cheering.

Yeah, he really, I don't know if he was asking for more money or what the fuck oh that's makes sense man it probably hurt his ears probably so confused all the people there doesn't speak your language i don't know what the fuck you're saying right right wow i have a good monkey story nobody has any good one i i do like. I was on another TV show and they had the monkey and they go, hey, like whatever, Clarabelle, whatever your name is. They're like, this is Dave, shake hands. And the monkey didn't even stop hugging the person, just let the foot come up and I shook their foot because their feet are like hands. I was like, how cool is that? I couldn't get over it. I was like, if you could shake hands with your feet, wouldn't you do it all the time? It's like, oh, hey, what's up?

Okay, so I can keep doing my other stuff. Yeah, like not a bump. I was like, that's really cool. I just shook feet hands. They're versatile. Yeah, all right. Maybe it's not that great a story, but I still think that's a good monkey story

That's a win for both I like communication But then you know Parrots of course We could talk about it all night People who keep parrots as pets And then they die Because parrots live to be like

90 years old Yes they do So you get some old lady's parrot That's still got 60 years left in it Yeah And they're racist Who wants them Full fucking tank

That parrot's got a full tank I'm gonna take that thing And now he's got a Keep screaming Take your pills Take your pills They scream at you They just always want attention

They're weird Really Yeah they want to sit right on your shoulder Or in your hand They want you to open up the cage Talk to them They want to be around you all the time Parrots are smart man

They do not like to get just left alone. If you think you're going to be some asshole as a cute bird sitting in the cage in the middle of your living room, oh, that's my parrot. I'm interesting. No, that parrot needs you. Hey, hey. Ah!

Get over here, bitch. Oh, that's right. They want attention. Like, come on, motherfucker. I don't want to just sit in this cage. Let me out. Let me out. Let's walk around.

Let me sit on your shoulder. Put on a nose. Come on. Let's see what's on TV. Come on. Let's walk around. Let me sit on your shoulder. Put on a nose. Come on. Let's see what's on TV. Come on. I'm fucking bored. Parrots are smart, man.

The reason why they're not smart. I didn't know they lived that long. They live a long ass time. A long ass time. Are they smarter or dumber than owls? That's a good question. Dave has theories on this. I'm always in search of the next owl joke.

That's my big thing. Well, we know that ravens are really smart. They're super smart. They solve puzzles and shit. Scientists have set up all these puzzles for ravens. Yeah, they'll take a stick and then use the stick to get a longer stick and then use that stick to get the food out. Like multi-step problem solving. Ravens can do weird shit.

And we know that a bunch of other different birds are pretty fucking smart, but I don't know. I have hawks in my neighborhood who fly right over my house all the time and they're fascinating to watch. They really like to show off.

I would assume that all those predators have to be smart. They have to be ruthless and smart to get along. If you're out there picking up squirrels and rats and be smart. I mean, they just have to be ruthless and smart to get along. If you're out there picking up squirrels and rats and shit like they're doing, they're just firebombing out of the sky, snatching things up. From angles that only they understand. My friend Tom was in his backyard sitting down having a cup of coffee, and he saw a dove land on top of his fence. And then out of nowhere, this hawk just jacked that dove. Wow. Boom. land on top of his fence, and then out of nowhere, this hawk just jacked that dove.

Boom! He said it was like a big explosion of feathers that the hawk just swooped in, going like 150 miles an hour, snatched the dove right off it, and took off with it. Oh, Phil. And he was just sitting there with his coffee in his hand like, what the fuck? Wow. He goes like 10 yards from my head. It just all went down. If I was that dove, I would have kicked that fucking bird's fucking ass.

You would have landed safely. I would have landed safely back on your buddy's fence. I would have told everybody. Fuck hawks. If I was a dove with kids, what do his kids have to do with being on the plane? Well, that would make him motivated. He's a protector. Good dad.

I see. Yeah. I'll give him that. He probably knows how to fight a little bit, too. It looks like he does. It looks like he does in that movie, play Mickey Ward. It looks like he knows how to box. He definitely knows how to throw punches.

You know, this Michael B. Jordan thing is fascinating to me. He'll listen to you. He'll put money on it. I hope he does. Someone will tell him. Look, I'm sure he's a smart guy, and I'm sure he's a great athlete, and I'm sure he probably knows how to box a little bit. But if you've got to box a guy like Roy Jones, you know what you do?

You start in the amateurs, and you learn how to box. That'd be cool. And then you become a professional. That'd be cool. And then one day you box Roy Jones Jr. Like Paul Newman in the race cars. Sort of. Yeah.

But you're not getting hit. See, the very unique thing about combat sports is you're getting hit. So it's not like someone's dunking on you. Like if you play basketball with Kobe Bryant, you're going to get lit up. You're going to look like a fool. But you're not going to get hit. If you box with Roy Jones Jr., you're going to get hit. You're going to get hit.

You're going to get dinged. Michael B. Jordan got knocked out during the creed filming acts by with an accidental punch that landed really yeah where they were hitting him and he tried to like turn his head at the last minute but he didn't turn it quick enough and he got clipped and dropped maybe that's why he knows he can take a punch now well i mean maybe that's giving him the confidence he did it on purpose he was i think it just i think you know the way it was is you take the punch, then you turn your head, but it looked like he took the punch just a little too hard. That's real, right?

But do you think they're even using real gloves there? They're not using regulation. No, they were using boxing gloves. Real 10-ounce boxing gloves. Could it be bullshit? I love those Korean movies. They might have done it. See something like this?

You don't know if it's some hyped-up thing they do for a publicity stunt. Like, watch this, though. See, they're practicing it like this. See, right there? No, see? That's real, dude. Yeah. That's real.

See the way his head snaps and his eyes go up? Play that again. That's real. I know what a real knockout looks like. I've seen a thousand of them in person. That's a real knockout. Watch this. Look at this.

He fucked up, and he zig- But he's out. Yeah, he's out cold, dude. He's a real knockout. Watch this. Look at this. He fucked up and he zigged me. He's out. He's out cold, dude. He's out cold, 100%. Watch this. He ran right into the punch. His head snapped back. His eyes rolled behind his head and he went unconscious. That is 100% a legit

knockout. But that punch was not even a punch, what he was hit with. He didn't have his body behind it. He didn't have any power behind it. So he was basically knocked out just by coincidence. No, no. There's definitely power behind it. You think so? Yes, yes, yes. Listen, you could KO

someone easily just doing that. Easily. That was a perfect punch. It was a perfect punch that landed on his jaw as he was moving forward. That's the key. The key is that he was turning his head into it, and he didn't think it was coming, and he took it right on the jaw. If you watch one more time. Let's see it again because I didn't see any head burning, any of that. This guy, what he's doing is they're choreographing how the sequence is going to go,

and somewhere along the line either is a miscalculation or a mistake was made by Michael B. Jordan. Watch this. Watch this right here rehearsal tape. By Michael B. Jordan. Watch this. Watch this right here. See, he fucked up. And he turned into it. Yeah. And that guy is throwing, like, I mean, even though it's not the most powerful punch in the world. It's faster than I thought.

And he knows how to punch. Okay? So his weight is behind that. His shoulder's behind that. That's a guy who's punched people in the face before. He knows exactly how to do it. So even though he's only doing it like this, even though he's only doing

that, if you run into it and he catches you right on the chin, you're going out. Of course. That's what happens. So why did that get leaked? I don't know if it got leaked or if they put it out on purpose. I think they put it out to show that it's... I think they probably put it out to show this is hard training they're doing for this and there was an accident on the set and he got knocked out.

That would be not the clip I'd want out there if I was him. But if he turns into it like that. Obviously, he was younger then. He's bigger and stronger now. He's older. His body's more mature. But either way. Oh, I see.

So that was an old... If you want to box Roy Jones Jr., you've got to become a career boxer. I mean, unless he's so old that he can't take a punch anymore. Roy knows he's not gonna do it or he would never have given up his strategy like that. Saying, I need him five, six rounds. No, no, no. That's just shit talking.

Roy Jones did that his whole career. He would tell you exactly how he was gonna beat guys. His whole career. Really? He's still Roy Jones Jr. That's just crazy talk. Like him saying that. He should have just played dumb and be like,

I guess, maybe he's good. I'll do it. That's not what he would do. He would say, this is how I'm going to do it. And then he would go out and do it. Say, I'm going to need you to get tired out. See what it feels like to be in a real fight. Yeah, take a beating.

Yeah, man, look. Roy Jones Jr. just gets you into the third, fourth, and fifth round. And all your adrenaline dump is gone because you're not used to boxing a world-class boxer in a professional match that's on pay-per-view that millions of people are watching. You're not used to that experience. So that experience is taxing. It's nerve-wracking. You're going to have all this adrenaline rush through your body.

Even if you're the chillest of chill dudes, you're going to be just a little bit too amped up. So then around that second round comes in, you start heaving, and you can't breathe that good. And you're just kind of like Roy's just kind of boxing dudes. Sure. You're going to be just a little bit too amped up. Right. So then around that second round comes in, you start heaving and you can't breathe that good and you're just kind of like, Roy's just kind of boxing you.

He's just boxing you. He's not hurting you. He's just boxing you. Occasionally you get stung a little bit. Then the third round moves in and he starts moving

left and right and coming in and stinging you hard with a jab and stepping in with a lead hand uppercut and you're like,

oh fuck. Now you're getting teed off on. And now he's talking, he's dancing, he's moving around, and then he just starts throwing bombs on you. And you can't defend him because you're exhausted. And he hooks you to the liver and drops you. He starts running around, trying to get away from you. He can't get away!

He's too good. He's been doing it for too long. But Jones said that, he says, yeah, he probably can go long and hard on me because he's all trained up. But do you think he would come at him full tilt in the first round or two and just really take him to school? That's so dangerous.

Because when you get real aggressive is when you get hit. Because when you get real aggressive, say, if I know you're coming at me, you're running at me, you're running at me, all I have to do is figure out how much time and space I need to get something off as you're coming at me. Because I have to do is figure out how much time and space I need to get something off as you're coming at me. Because I know where you're going. It's dangerous when you don't know if someone's

coming or going. When you don't know if they're coming or going, that's when a fight is weird. So the beginning of every fight, people are feeling each other out. They don't know if someone's coming or going. If I know that you're just running at me and I'm Roy Jones Jr., I'm going to step back and I'm going to time it and I'm going to crack you. And I'm going to crack you in a way that you probably don't see coming.

You probably don't see it in the gym too much. I'm just going to stiff arm you with a jab, pop you in place, step to the left. Boom! He's going to drop a right hand on your chin. He's going to fuck you up. And then he's going to turn around. He's going to be behind you, and he's going to look at you to see if you're still okay, and then he's going to do it again.

And he's going to keep doing it. And if you keep chasing after him, you're going to still get fucked. You're going to get fucked up. You're going to get your face punched in. So the only other thing is to do is, like, you've got to box him. So, okay, now you're boxing one of the greatest boxers of all time. And he's going to just figure you out. Like, what do you got? What do you do when I do this?

What happens when I do this? What happens here? Could I have punched you? Oh, I could have. And then he's going to figure out when to move and when you're going to get tired and he's going to start dropping bombs on you. It's going to be awful. Would you have respected it if he said, oh,

I want to box a few matches first and then get to Roy? I think he's just talking shit. He's just having a good time. He probably didn't expect anybody to run with it. He didn't expect people to analyze it. That's the guy who hit him in that video. This guy. He's an actual real boxer. Oh, yeah. david hay before his name is tony bellew oh dude that that's that guy is a legit boxer he just got stopped by that badass russian motherfucker on uh well look what

he's doing on tv really recently like his guy that's he's a top flight boxer so for him to knock him out of course it was just he's so good man So for him to knock him out, of course. He's so good, man. So for him to do it accidentally makes complete, total sense. Wow, look at the... Jeez, wow. Yeah, that guy's a beast, man. Like a legit top-flight boxer. So he's in there even just accidentally getting punched in the face by a guy that good.

Makes me want to see the movie, I'll tell you that. Michael Jordan talking shit makes me want to see it. It took him to recover and get back to training and filming after that. In the heavyweight class, you never saw abs until the movies. It was always like... I know, right?

They were basically punching bags. Now it's like they have to be so... Tyson, you saw abs when he came out of prison. Remember that? I guess so When he fought Peter McNeely Dude, he was prison jacked That was like maybe the scariest Tyson ever Like they finally released him

And all he'd been doing in jail I don't think he could box in jail So I think he was just lifting weights Remember he was super duper jacked when he got out of jail? Let's see, can I see a picture? Yeah, Go to Tyson versus Peter McNeely. That was in 1995.

He looks good there. Dude, he looks terrifying. That was the most terrifying looking Tyson ever. He just looked like he was made out of steel. Just a tank of a man. And I'll never forget the fucking weigh-in. Or the stare-down, rather. Because during the stare-down, Peter McNeely signed up for that fight,

knowing that he's a tough guy who's going to take a fucking vicious beating. That's what he signed up for. He knew what he was doing. He knew he was going to give it his all, but he knew if you had to bet, most people were not betting on Peter McNeely. Yeah. But you could see it in Tyson's face when he's staring him down. There's this crazy, he's following him everywhere he goes,

like a predator, dude. It's like a predator who can't wait to get the green light to let the genie out of the bottle. Watch this. This is Tyson's first fight. Look, you see Peter McNeely's kind of looking down, and you look over at Tyson. Look at his eyes following him.

That is fucking terrifying. If you're looking at that, and you know you're about to fight Mike Tyson, and he's smiling, and he's trying to make light of it. Oh, my God. And he looks just like a prison guard. Dude, he is. So easy. Oh, yeah, he does.

Peter McNeely does. That same hair. That's prison guard hair. After the trial of the future. Green mile hair. Mike Tyson. Green mile hair. Mike Tyson. Green mile hair. Go ahead.

I sat next to Tyson at the Charlie Sheen roast and made a lot of jokes about him. And afterwards, Dice called me. I didn't really know Dice at the time. He called me a couple weeks later. He's like, Jeff, it's Dice. the time he called me like a couple weeks later he's like jeff it's dice he's like he's like he's like he's like basically said that he couldn't believe i said those things to mike tyson like he was offended i go what do you mean well he's like do you have any idea what that animal could have done to you you were two feet away and then we've been friends ever since.

That's hilarious and true. But I didn't think about Tyson. He seemed like a pussycat at the time. At the time. But if that was Tyson from like 1986. I think if I watched an old fight, yeah. Look at you. By the end of the night, I'm literally like laughing into his lap.

He loved it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he loved it. He could take jokes. He could take jokes. Oh, yeah, he loved it. He could take jokes. He could take jokes. Oh, yeah. But you wouldn't want to be doing that. I said, I don't want to piss you off, Mike.

If you would do that to your face, imagine what you would do to mine. He's basically the only celebrity to ever pull off a face mask. Right? A face tattoo? Who else has done it? What celebrity? Charles Manson? Well else has done it? What celebrity? Charles Manson? Well, those mumble rapper dudes.

Yeah. Like Postman Alone type characters. Yeah. Tekashi 69. But he was the first by a long stretch. You're saying pulled off as if he pulled that off. He's still Mike Tyson. You know what I mean?

Gucci Bane? Oh, that's right. He had the ice cream cone. Was that first, though? I feel like Tyson was first Bane? Oh, that's right. He had the ice cream cone. Was that first, though? I feel like Tyson was first. Wow, that's a commitment. Look at that. I don't think Gucci has that on his face anymore. There's new pictures

that look like it. How do you get that off? You can get it removed. Yeah, they can laser that shit off. But it looks like somebody carved that into his face. It doesn't even look like a tat. Well, that's because it's fresh. Because that's like right after it got made. It's still there?

Yeah, it's just not as bright. Let me see that. See? My man's got an ice cream cone on his face. But now it's yogurt. It's a different time. Is that today, though? Yeah, he's got more tats, too.

Oh, so they're all over the place. That dude's always smiling. Ever since he got out of jail, he seems like the happiest guy in the world. For real. He's got a beautiful wife. They kind of look good on him. The tattoos look good on him. But why is there ice cream right there? Does he have a tongue where he's like, hey, look, I can lick an ice cream. No, because then we'd only be able

to lick the bottom part. He wouldn't even get the real ice cream. I would put the ice cream cone somewhere else. Damn, he's got a lot of tattoos. It looks good, though. But the pearls take some of the mean out of the tats. What's the highest tattoo you have to your face? It goes up to my shoulder. Both arms, basically the same.

So you can see all your tattoos? Yeah. Yeah, I don't have any other ones. Just these. No tattoos, Jeff? I'm thinking of getting a tramp stamp. Dave and I are going to get them. What's yours going to say?

Come on. Mine says free Wi-Fi. Mine's going to say too tramp stamp. Dave and I are going to get them. What's yours going to say? Come on. Mine says free Wi-Fi. Mine's going to say too legit to shit. I'm going with watch out gerbil ahead. Art Shafir has keep on trucking tattooed on his side. Oh, does it?

In Hebrew. No! It's his only tattoo. It's preposterous. Keep on trucking? Yeah. Have you seen it, Jamie? Yeah, he's got a keep on truckin' tattoo. I'm right about this, right? I don't know.

I was looking for other people. You know who else has keep on truckin'? Who used to have it? It was Tony Danza. He used to have keep on truckin'. That was a thing that people used to say. Well, I remember. I'm sure I had a keep on truckin' patch or t-shirt

A hat Like what was that? What was going on? The keep on truckin' Hang in there baby That was one Right Keep on truckin'

But nobody had hangin' I'm sure people got hang in there baby tattoos Right? Why am I saying nobody? Joe What do you got? This is a bumping mic hat. Shut the fuck up.

Is that mine? Yeah. You can put it in your Dave's old porn hat that I gave you. Oh, wow. I don't even have one of these. That show was fun, man. Yeah, you do. I've given you two of them already.

Dude, that show was fun. That was a good one, Joe. You really rocked that show. It was fun. That was a great show. They should have never taken that off the air. Bumping mics. Yeah.

But I hope it's not a bad. I give him always a hat from great show. They should have never taken that off the air. Bumping mics. Yeah. But I hope it's not a bad... I give him always a hat from every show. He always helps me out. That's very thoughtful. They go nowhere, the shows. That's not true. No, this one's a hit. I feel it, Dave.

I'm hoping. This is our moment, buddy. I don't believe in that kind of jinxes. This is our moment. This is the talk of flip phone people. You're worried about voodoo. The gypsy curse. Don't give a hat out.

You talk about your last special took a long time to get together. This took us. A couple years. Well, not even. It came together pretty quick from Montreal to a year later we shot it. But I feel like it's also about our friendship or whatever you want to call it for 25 years. So it kind of puts a... Puts a nice button on it.

It's a first button, maybe. What are you doing over there? You're pouring things into a bag. I just don't want to leave my ashes here. Dave has a lot of weird cigarette, coffee, kind of straw. You letting me smoke in here was like, thank you. No problem. I'm glad it worked.

The thing works great. Oh, good. If there's any low-spectrum people watching our show, you can watch Dave and his cigarettes. You'll learn a lot about it. And my weird phobias. Dice was the reason why I put it in. How much is he smoking now? He doesn't smoke as much as he used to.

I haven't seen him in quite a while. But last time he did the podcast. Did he smoke the last time or the time before that? He takes time off, I think. For a while, he would just bring them on stage. He's smoking. He's smoking. Smoking a lot?

I saw him. I came on his new podcast recently. I'm over here. He made me pretend he was half an hour late, even though I was 10 minutes late. He had a whole bit worked out where I had to go in the studio and just wait and talk to myself, basically, that he has to come in pretending he's late.

That was the only direction for an hour and a half. It's so funny, man. He cracks me up so much. So my second time headlining was opening for Ray Romano in Poughkeepsie. And Dice is at the height of his fame i'm dressed like i'm like you had to be to even get work and it's like i'm a

jersey comic 1990 91 and dice is at the at the uh poughkeepsie civic center right next door to the comedy club and uh and our hotel we heard Dice was staying there people were pulling the fire alarms it was like the biggest band he was a rock star so they were pulling fire alarms trying to get everybody to evacuate

just so Dice would come out finally our show his show is on Saturday Friday night now Ray Romano's headlining at Poughkeepsie whatever club Bananas?

Oh, yeah. I remember that place. I'm up there. I'm doing my 10, 5th, 12-minute opening, and through the darkness, this guy I kind of recognized from news articles was Club Soda Kenny. He comes through the darkness with a note. It's Friday night,

and the note just says, Please welcome the undisputed king of comedy andrew dice play so as i read it and the place was right like so dice walks on stage he does whatever like a 15 minute guest set the crowd goes crazy they loved it and then i learned a lot actually ray romano came up as the headliner who was not known at all. He wasn't on TV yet. And killed. Ray's a great comic. He's still doing his props. But I really learned like, oh, you know what?

The audience will follow, will watch a great comic no matter what just happened. Ray was in his prime back then, too. I opened up for Ray at Jimmy's Comedy Alley in Queens. Yep. And Ray was, that was when Ray was just, he had done HBO. He'd done something on HBO, but he was just a machine, man. People didn't realize how, I mean, I feel like he's one of those guys that people don't talk about when they talk about great stand-up comics. That's right.

Because he hasn't put a lot of stuff out there in a long time, ever since Everybody Loves Raymond. Right. A lot of stuff as far as his stand-up. He just shot a Netflix special at the Cellar, too. So that should be coming out soon. But you're right. He hasn't put out anything until I think this is like his first real hour. I know he was working with Kevin James.

They did a bunch of gigs together. I'm friends with Kevin. No, he goes on the road. But he still murders, was my point. That's right. I heard he still murders. He is a great comic. He was always so funny.

And you could always kind of, someone once described it like you could airdrop him anywhere and his act will kill. Yeah. Like anywhere in America. Before people were all kind of the same. Like we all kind of listen to the same stuff now. He's another guy that couldn't be a nicer guy. He's the best.

He's always been really cool to me. Always. And you know, like. Through the height of his fame, never changed for a second. Isn't it kind of weird how the assholes Sort of disappear eventually You don't even know Where they evaporate to Well

When I'm still here You know You were talking about You're a comedian Almost before you're an American Right That's

When And that doesn't mean I don't love my I'm not trying to act like I'm very Oh no no no In love with where I live Of course of course

You're just saying You're so attached to being a comedian. It's in my blood. Right. In a way that. Well. You feel more comfortable with comics. And how devastated would it be if the other comics didn't want you around? Right?

That's what it is. Man without a country. That's where it gets fucking dark, man. Right? Yeah. That's where it gets. So anybody who falls into that group, like, you've fucked up.

Like, the whole thing is to be friends with the comedians. Yeah, the hang is what it's about. You know, the hang. So how did you feel? Let me ask you. How did you feel when you were in self, you know, you pulled yourself out of the world at a comedy store where you started?

Did you feel like on a desert island by yourself, or did you find community at the other clubs or i never found the same thing but i just kept working and i was working with ari and joey and duncan i still kept working with those guys so i was like i was working with most of the same comics and i was just doing practice sets at the ice house and at the improvrov. I remember all that. It's just, to me, it was more, it was, you know, the hang was not the same. The hang is... I would do my sets

at the Improv and just get the fuck out of there. There's no place to hang out. It's not like the same. Now you get to do four shows.

You get to do Stand Up on the Spot, Roast Battle, Main Room, OR, and whatever you'd figure out in the parking lot without ever having...

And then a podcast in the basement. You can. You can literally, if you put a jib in there, you'd probably never leave. You literally could do everything in that place. I've done three shows. No, I've done four shows in a night

because one night I did two sets in the main room, one set in the belly room, and one set in the OR because it was two shows. That's crazy. Dave, I've had to follow this motherfucker so many times. Everything I ever taped with you on this show, I developed having to try to follow this motherfucker so many times. Everything I ever taped with you on this show, I developed having to try to follow him.

Wow. Like steamrolling civilization. Crushing it. Everything from Harvey Weinstein to his own inner fucking craziness. That's the... All in 20 minutes, so it's like... The crowds get spoiled when they see so many great acts just come by. For like $10, $20, whatever, they get to see Chris Rock, you, Joe, and just people dropping by and working on stuff.

They're like, is it like this all the time? I'm like, you don't even get it. You just saw a $500 show for two drinks. I always say that to the people at the cellar, too. If you're a fan of comedy, it's a fun time. It's Christmas and New Year's right together. But I attribute all this to the thing that you hate. I think it's the internet.

The internet did all this. That's true. This is the reason why everybody's aware of how fun it is to go to a live comedy show, how fun it is to watch guys. They'll go to see you at the store, and then they'll go to see you again six months later and go, oh, that fucking dodgeball bit. Why don't you credit Comedy Central and HBO and Showtime and Netflix and True TV

and all the ones that air these specials? Comedy Central definitely made it. Netflix for sure, Comedy Central for sure. All those things definitely attribute to it.

What about evening at the improv? YouTube is one of the biggest factors. The fact that people can watch stand-up on YouTube. That's a giant factor.

The amount of people that are watching YouTube is off the charts. And the fact that they can just type in right now, Jeff Ross stand-up comedy, boom, and instantaneously get it. Right. And a lot of those clips come from Comedy Central.

Right. And HBO and all those other places, which is great. It's not one thing that did it, but I think the one big important factor was this new channel of distribution. And that's the internet. Whether it's Netflix, which is probably one of the biggest things right now for stand-up comedy specials ever, right? There's never been a thing like Netflix. Like HBO was always great.

Three episodes. Exactly. Who else would let you do that? It takes the pressure off one shiny special. You can be more creative with how you present your art. If you wanted to do a two-parter next time, you could. Ari did.

You don't have to narrow it. Right. Ari did. That's right. Not the current one that he's working on right now, but the last one. That's right. Double negative.

In the same place. Yeah. Ari is so good, man. He's out there. That's what our Forbes review was harping on, was that the comedy special is completely reinvented lately. You can do it as a series. You can do whatever you want.

But as a comedy fan, Netflix is perfect because you get to control what you see, and you can watch it and stop it and watch it more. You can't even stop it. I was watching our show when it came out last night. I was just laying in bed watching our new show because I was by myself. And when it gets to the end of the episodes, you've got to know where that remote is.

You're watching the next episode. The next one comes right at you. They just try to get you to binge. Come on, you want to binge? I don't understand. It's like, whoa, slow down, man. Come on, we've got another episode. Our first episode ends with Dave just looking in the camera and being like,

our next episode starts at 5, 4, 3. I heard that you got to see the new Mike Judge animated show about country music called I'm with the Band. What is it called? Road Stories from something. That sounds great. Yeah, he is another guy, man. That guy is so talented. It's supposed to be phenomenal.

My friend Steve Rinella was just talking about it on his podcast. What is it called? Tales from the Tour Bus. Tales from the Tour Bus is supposed to be phenomenal. My friend Steve Rinella was just talking about it on his podcast. What is it called? Tales from the Tour Bus. Tales from the Tour Bus is supposed to be insanely funny. It's about country music. Like George Jones and all those guys. But it's all like gunplay and drugs and chaos, country music stuff. And then they animate the story.

It's really cool. He really is a talented guy, man. Funk music rates. This one? Yes, that's it. Here's one. Oh, but wait. I thought it was all country guys.

Yeah, I thought so, too, but there's a different. Maybe it's like separate seasons or something. Oh, click on that. The Highwayman? Click on Highwayman. So that's with Willie Nelson, Waellon Jennings, Chris Christopherson, and Johnny Cash. That's an episode.

Damn. But that's just a song. Highwaymen. So that's the song Highwaymen. No, that's the group, the Highwaymen, when they all got together.

Yeah, that's that song. That mega group. Yeah, but that's not an episode of the show? It is. This is a playlist of songs from the tour bus show. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

So that's the confusion. So I went to the webpage here. Oh, I get it. Okay. This must be a new season where they're using the 70s people. Do you know that song, Highwaymen? Yeah. I fly a starship across the universe divide.

And when I reach the other side. That's a creepy song, right? It's about reincarnation and dudes falling into the dam. Yeah, you never fade away. Yeah. Guy fell into the boulder dam. That's the people who built this country. Yeah.

Blood sweating. But getting them all together, I wonder what that was like. I know, right? Those guys, they were singing. How's it going? How's young Gunner doing?

Boys, it's already 3.30. Oh, wow. Time flies. Rogan, this is amazing man when everything we do is like you get two minutes or yeah what a great hang man it's just so fun to be able to express yourself and thank you well it's so fun to have you guys on i fucking loved it i wish you were here more often we could do this anytime you want to do it dude you you know you're good to us but you're great to comedy, and honestly,

I have to tell you, for the young guys, when they heard that I was going to be on here, they were basically screaming because you are the shit. You really are, man. You're the shit. You fuck.

Stop making me feel bad. No, dude. Both of you are the shit. You're helping. You got to come on stage with us sometime. I'll do it. I'll bump mics with us.

I'll bump mics. Bring your hat. I'll do it. I have a bumping mic. How come he has a hat and I don't have a fucking hat? You have two of them already. I'll do it. I'll bump mics with us. I'll bump mics. Bring your hat. I'll do it. I have a bumping mic. How come he has a hat and I don't have a fucking hat? You have two of them already. I gave it away

to somebody who helped me. Netflix will hook you up. They'll give you one with Velcro. It's even better. I like Velcro. It's nice. Exact right amount of distance. You know,

you don't have to rely on those buttons. Rogan's got to pick up his kids and take them out for elk tacos. I can only imagine the amount of merch your kids have to, you know,

come on, put on this shirt, all the merch that people bring in. Kids, grab your bow and arrow. We're going out for dinner. We have a warehouse full of it. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Dave Attell. You can find him on Twitter, but he doesn't use the internet. The real Jeff Ross is you on Instagram, right? Yes, it is.

You're Dave Attell on Instagram. Do you still post stuff? I'm in there, yeah. You got an iPhone, too? And a shout-out to all the... Whatchamacallit? I did a food drive in Philly the other day. Preston and Steve.

It was awesome. Oh, nice. I love those guys. Yeah, they really are cool. And this is one of the biggest ones in the country. It was great to be a part of it. So many cool comics there. So just thank you again for showing up. Dave Attell, beautiful human being. and this is like one of the biggest ones in the country it was great to be part of it so many cool comics there so just a

thank you again for having me for showing up Dave Mattel beautiful human being Jeffrey Ross beautiful person love you bud

love you guys bye