The Joe Rogan Experience - #121 - Bryan Callen

Episode Date: July 11, 2011

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

It doesn't feel like a podcast. Oh, the blackout. I want to be riding a horse when I hear that music. Yeah. The wind in my hair. Yeah, that's how it starts, baby. Smile on my face. Wild times.

I could live in the wild times. Let's get on our horses and just ride. That's what I want to say once. Be out there on that prairie and I could survive not talking to anybody. Damn right. All I need is a match, a Bowie knife, and my dick. It's always that character that Charles Bronson dude who wants to live in the woods by himself and doesn't bother anybody, but the government has to go out there and fuck with him and

he winds up killing everybody. What is it that we admire about that guy who doesn't need anybody? That's the American way. Self-sufficiency, man. I don't need anybody but myself. I'm self-reliant. Yeah, but with a lot of guys, the loner would be kind of creepy,

but Charles Bronson had a way of pulling it off that was admirable. There was nothing Ted Kaczynski about him. No, Charles Bronson was a badass, and God help you if you were a fan and tried to come up to him. This guy I know, Adam West, you know Batman? Yeah.

Told me a story 16 years ago about how Charles Bronson was reading a book in a bookstore, and this guy comes a story 16 years ago about how charles bronson was reading a book in a bookstore and this guy comes up and goes excuse me mr bronson i'm a huge fan and charles bronson goes fuck off and goes right back to his book just like that i was like oh okay it's hard to know how much of that is the truth you know he was notorious full of shit he was notorious for being uh just not the friendly. He was a tough, he was a real tough guy, actually. You know, when he did Hard Times, if you've never seen Hard Times, youngsters. Great, great.

Yeah, youngsters, please. It's one of the goddamn all-time classics. It's a beautiful movie. And it's really like the first underground cage fighting movie. They actually fought in a cage. Bronson was in his 50s when he shot that. Was he in his 50s? Because you see his body.

It's ridiculous. He had a lot of Native American in him, and I think he used to be an acrobat or something. Something along those lines, yeah. Yeah, he was in a circus, I think. Even with Wikipedia, we're just bullshitting through this. He was in the circus, yeah, yeah. He was in the circus.

He did capoeira in Brazil. In Brazil, he did capoeira. That's always my favorite stuff when people go, no, this guy I know, this guy. He wasn't UFC, dude. He fought in the underground in Burma. He has 17 confirmed kills under his belt. Really?

There was a lot of guys who just made up a bunch of shit like that in the 70s. Greatest. Remember the guy who did the movie Kickboxer? No, not Kickboxer. No, no, Bloodsport. Bloodsport, yeah. Frank Dux. Yeah.

Yeah, he's a ninjitsu guy who went out there to the Kumite and just fucked everybody up. Damn right. Supposedly, he had a story. Remember Dim Muck, which was Death Touch? There was a guy named Raphael Torrey, and I've talked about this guy before, because this guy snuck through my crazy radar and I realized that he was there was something wrong and then it turned out he was a killer like I didn't know I was around this guy he was a friend of a friend he was a friend of Eddie's and I was around this guy a couple times and normally my crazy radars are really good yeah

but this guy snuck right through it and he was such a pathological liar this is one of the things that he did he was a fake black belt but one of the things that he did. He was a fake black belt. One of the things he did was he had a friend drive him to this spot. And he said, I'm going into the woods. You can't come any further. I'm going to go to this Kumite and I'll be back in two days. So his friend drives him into the woods. And then he sees him walk around and hide behind a tree.

And it's like, what the fuck is he doing right so he he kind of hangs back to watch and the dude starts walking back down the road where he came from like so the guy drives off right he goes like i don't know what the fuck his deal was but he wanted to be dropped off in the woods he the guy comes back two days later with a trophy i kind of like he comes out of the woods And he has this story About well I had to fight 50 men All bare knuckle Some guys chose to have glass on their hands Some guys not Just had crazy nutty fake cage fighting stories

Meanwhile it was probably just a guy fuck fest I gotta put this handkerchief in my pants Don't worry about it It's just a signal It was nothing Nothing happened He made up the whole thing There was no Kumite out there He the whole thing There was no kumite out there

He just came a lot He just went to the Yeah Same thing I had the guy in a headlock Then I fucked him Well he wound up Killing a guy

By choking him to death Oh really Yeah that's the story Is that this guy Was just this crazy Pathological liar And he wound up Hooking up with this girl

And the girl was married And he choked the husband To death Oh nice guy. So in real life, when you choke somebody to death, instead of just choking them like jujitsu style, you have to continue to choke them when they're already passed out? You have to hold it for a while. Yeah, you just hold it.

Because in the movies, it's like, and then they pass out, and they're like, ah, he's dead. But in real life, you have to do it for a while. Some people would die from it. In Glorious Bastards, when he chokes her with his hands, that's really hard to do. Really hard to do it for me some people would die from it inglorious bastards when he chokes with his hands that's really hard to do really hard to do even put a guy out by choking him

it hurts but it's all a matter of how much you can tolerate it cuts your breathing off because it crushes your windpipe if the guy's got

good thumbs but it probably won't put you unconscious it's hard you can't do it it's not something I practice

but some guys will tap to that. Like kickboxers, when they first start fighting in MMA, they tap to like forearms across the neck. Like a guy will just stack them and get a forearm on their neck, and they just can't deal with it. Well, they don't know how to react to it, probably. Yeah.

I've seen it a few times, like high-level kickboxers like Tom Erickson. I think Tom Erickson did actually tap a guy with a rape choke. He actually grabbed his neck like this, What we would call the rape choke. And he tapped the guy. Something to tap in humanly strong hands. Tom Erickson was 300 pounds. All-American wrestler, gorilla. You're going to tap.

There was one point in time when Tom Erickson was the scariest guy on the planet. And he kind of missed both boats as far as fame. And a lot of people don't know about Erickson because of that. But if you go back to when Ericksonson fought fought kevin random and smashed him and knocked him unconscious he was fucking like really close to 300 pounds corn fed just one of those big crazy white boys just and a powerful wrestler just a real good i'd love to have a rape choke strength with other guys just grab a guy go you're going out but with erickson, he was getting famous right at the time where the UFC was falling apart.

And so he went to fight over in Japan. And he just never really, it just, the peak of his athletic talent and the peak of his possibilities, they didn't collide together correctly. One of the things I was thinking about is like just for MMA, like if you're a tennis player, MMA seems to be, to stay on top, the way, say, Anderson Silva or GSP has, is so extraordinarily difficult

because there are so many good guys now coming up. And more importantly, it looks to me like a lot of these guys are really learning how to box because they're coming out of boxing gyms. When you learn how to box and you can punch now, instead of punching like a wrestler,

they're punching like boxers. When you don't have gloves, you make one mistake. You're going to sleep. There's this guy, instead of punching like a wrestler, they're punching like boxers. When you don't have gloves, you make one mistake. You're going to sleep. There's this guy, Fabio Maldonado, that's been fighting out of Brazil, and he just fought recently. And this fucking kid, he's got nasty hands, dude. And he fought Kyle Kingsbury, who's a serious athlete, 205.

And Kyle Kingsbury was grabbing in the Muay Thai Clinch, and he was just ripping hooks to his body. And Kingsbury had to let it go, which is rare. Most of the times when a guy gets you in the Muay Thai clinch and he was just ripping hooks to his body and Kingsbury had to let it go which is rare most of the times when a guy gets you in the Muay Thai clinch and you punch his body the guys can take it yeah but he turns his punches over so good and he's so loose with them they just bam bam like they were just vicious body punches you see the difference between a guy who could really punch like if you got a guy like Manny Pacquiao and you gave him those little gloves forget it let me tell you something man if you got a guy like manny pacquiao and you gave him those little gloves forget let me tell you something man if you don't take manny pacquiao down the first five ten seconds to fight back of ricky hatton's head yeah with that hook oh i thought he was dead dude i was like i i i've

never been i've been like oh my god he got shut off the thing about pacquiao is he's a little guy he's only 147 150 pounds but he hits fucking hard for a little guy, dude. I watched him physically hit the pads. Freddie Roach was holding pads for him. I watched it. And dude, first of all, the punches come so fast and all of them are hard. It's not, so like maybe like there's a guy who could punch 40% harder than him, but he might only hit you once.

Pacquiao's going to hit you 18 fucking times. Well, that's the thing. I think a lot of guys can't train for that kind of speed. You can get your sparring partners. You can't. Like, when I watched what he did to Margarito, who is a bigger guy and has been through wars and has actually never been hurt, Margarito's a rough, rough guy. Well, he got hurt by Mosley before that.

Yeah, that's true. Mosley beat him up. But that was a... But he's still a... He was psychologically fucked because they caught him with a plaster in his gloves. Yeah, that's right. I remember that. And they made him fight anyway. Yeah. Like, that's true. Mosley beat him up. But he was psychologically fucked because they caught him with a plaster in his gloves. Yeah, that's right. I remember that. And they made him fight anyway.

That's crazy shit. He knew he was going to be suspended. He was going to be vilified. He's such an assassin. And to see Manny Pacquiao take a bigger man like that and do whatever he wants. Oh, he's a monster. Pacquiao is one of the, if not the greatest of all time, top two. I mean, I think he's number one.

And people will argue with it, but God damn it, he's won world titles in eight different weight classes. Who the fuck has ever done that? I would love to have seen him fight Duran. Yeah, oh my God, oh my God. Duran at 147, the Duran that beat Sugar Ray in the first fight. And that really wasn't his best weight class. Duran's best weight class was 135.

135 is one of the greatest lightweights of all time. If you watch his fight with Ken Buchanan when he won the title, he was a fucking vicious Panama Street kid. Unbelievable. Just an animal, man. He was a born fighter. You see these documentaries on that guy. It's like a pit bull.

It's like a game-bred dog. They went to interview him in Panama when he was a kid, when he was a contender, when he was coming up. And they're following him in the streets, asking him about boxing, where'd you learn how to box. And in front of these reporters, he grabs a cat by the tail and throws it into a brick wall. Oh, my God. Yeah, in front of them. You know, he, I remember when they, there was an old interview, and you could probably YouTube it,

where he's being asked by like Brent Musburger or someone about his fight with Macho, Hector Macho Camacho. He had some fight with, you know, it was later on in his career. And you'd hear him say some stuff in like Spanish. And Brent Musbrook, well, an interpreter would say, because Brent Musbrook, do you feel like you're fighting on the outside? It's going to be hot. Is the heat going to affect you? Or do you think you're used to that, you know, against someone like macho who moves around so much in a ring like he goes can you just go that might be cool uh he's referring to uh mr camacho as a homosexual

yeah yeah so monsberger will be like well yeah but do you think that you're fighting now with 10 ounce gloves 12 ounce gloves now and you you are a harder hitter and a lot of people say do you think that's going to favor you in the fight you're going to go to the body you think that you're fighting now with 10-ounce gloves as opposed to 12-ounce gloves now? And you are a harder hitter, and a lot of people say, do you think that's going to favor you in the fight? Are you going to go to the body? Do you think more than the chin? Guys, I don't know. I'm already calling the tenant. He's still referring to Mr. DiMaggio as a homosexual.

And then finally, I think that third time, whoever it was, Mr. DiMaggio, he's like, he's still calling him a homosexual. Well, anyway, that's Roberto Duran. I guess we're not going to get anything out of him. He was impossible, man. He was just like a guy, a true fighter. Well, also, he grew up in Panama, man. I think if you grow up in a tough country, you grow up in a spot like that, you grow up poor.

Well, Noriega, they say Noriega and he were friends. Noriega liked him a lot. Everybody would like him. He's Roberto Duran. You can't not love a true fighter a true fighter representing your country they had other guys you say it'd be a pedrosa wasn't he from panama as well i think he was cuba was he yeah i don't know i don't remember i thought he was from panama but but duran was one of my favorite fighters of all time and the guy couldn't even speak english it didn't matter he just would be such a savage

it's gonna be interesting to see like guys like Diaz who are coming out of Andre Ward's camp and these guys who are really studying boxing and even though you have to know everything in MMA which is what I love about it you are going to get

some guys who are going to become incredible boxers and I think that it's going to be an issue about you're going to have fights that last that are not going to

you can't have very good punchers. You can't slip when you don't have gloves when guys can punch that hard i think it's gonna something's gonna have to give there right you can't make as many mistakes yeah i mean cain velasquez is great right we know how great he is now he has to fight junior santos and santos can hit so somebody's gonna catch somebody in that fight and it doesn't necessarily mean it's the better fighter. It might mean that you just got caught. Or your game plan was a little too hasty. Right. Yeah. You've got to be very careful.

You saw the Czech-Congo-Pat Barry fight. Yes, I did. Which is the craziest ending in any fight ever. I mean, that's a perfect example of why you have to be so careful in MMA. It's unbelievable. And Pat Barry is explosive. Oh my god! And he went after him, man. He decided that he was getting criticized for his

fights and he was kind of boring and people were saying he doesn't you know take enough chances well he showed why he doesn't take enough chances because look when you take chances you can get knocked the fuck out yeah and he was a it was a fight he was winning easily if he just fought at a disciplined pace that probably would have never happened right and that's experience yeah yes experience but it's also he chose to fight in an exciting style on purpose. He wanted to throw caution to the wind and just go kill or die, kill or be killed. And I think he did that. He did exactly what he wanted to do.

But some guys never do that. By the way, Shea Congo taking those shots. God damn. I mean, I've never seen a body like that. It's the most ridiculous thing. He's a superhero. He's a transformer. He's a superhero. He's an extreme mesomorph

That's what that guy is He's just super muscular Perfect athletic frame He's not the best heavyweight athlete Which is weird Cain Velasquez is a way better heavyweight athlete Which is weird because if you saw the two of them together The average person looks at Chet Congo and

Cain Velasquez and goes, get the fuck out of here. That black guy's going to kill him. That's like wrestling. You roll in jiu-jitsu and some guy comes in and he's got this beautiful body and you can move and manipulate him. Then a guy shows up and he looks like a plumber with a bit of a belly and he's just immovable.

I think it's how your body's balanced. Congo is always dangerous to anybody because he's got some pop in those hands, dude. He's the only guy to. I think it's how your body's balanced. Congo is always dangerous to anybody because he's got some pop in those hands, dude. He's the only guy to really hurt Velasquez, too. He's tough as shit. He went three full rounds with Kane, and Kane beat the fuck out of him in that fight. He's obviously durable

because Congo caught him with some big punches. Mir put him to sleep, but Mir got him in a guillotine. Mir's guillotine's nasty, and he did it so perfect. If you watch the way he locked it up, he cinches it up. He blocks off the neck with his left arm and squeezing with his right. It's like, oh! It's unbelievable. Yeah.

Mir is one of those guys, man. If he catches you, especially in the early part of the fight, where he's not even a little bit tired, and you give up an arm or a choke or something like that, he's going to break your neck, man. He's going to squeeze you off. I can't wait to see my boy Mayhem Miller, who's become a good friend.

I just love that guy. I want to see him fight Michael Bisping. It's going to be great. I love Mayhem. I just love watching him. I love his whole attitude. He never stops moving. He will never stop moving.

I wish people could see what he did, but I was in Vegas and we were laughing and talking and he kept moving around and we were joking around. And then finally he got so excited, he walked out in the hallway and he went, hmm, nobody was watching. He just kind of punched the air and ran down the hallway for no reason i was like he just spazzed out the hallway he got so excited then he came back in he beats up the air he's well he knows he's got some extra energy he's got to get rid of it smart guy by the way yeah he's supposed to be doing what he's doing you

know what's crazy is you can look at him and see like that guy like i'm not gonna fight that guy that guy's scary but like last night uh jake was in the audience at one of your shows uh what's his name jake right jake ellenberg yeah yeah and he sat in my my seat and i'm like who's this guy sitting in my seat i'm walking up and i like look at his ears i'm like i'm out of here jake was there when i was jake was there with with he came to my show in Vegas with Mayhem and yeah he's just

Jake Ellenberger has got a fire hydrant on his shoulders it's like he looks like somebody took like clay and they chipped

they were a bad sculptor they chipped out like you know his head nah this is good enough the dude's a tank and he's scary as fuck he's gonna fight

Jake Shields that's gonna be a very interesting fight he's a very good striker I think he's a better striker than Jake oh he's a lot fuck. He's going to fight Jake Shields. That's going to be a very interesting fight. He's a very good striker. I think he's a better striker than Jake. Oh, he's a lot better striker than Shields. But Shields has got some wicked takedowns and his top jiu-jitsu. If he gets on top of you, you're fucked.

Jake Shields is one of the best in the world at finishing guys in MMA and jiu-jitsu. His jiu-jitsu is real simple. He's always used no gi. He's not a gi guy, so he doesn't have any gi habits at all. And if he gets on top of you, he's a wrestler, so he's got awesome positioning and control,

and he's strong as fuck. And he'll squeeze off arm triangles on you all day. If he catches you, if Jake Shields gets on top of you and he gets you in a bad position, you're fucked, man, because it's like a level. It's a really high, high level of Jiu Jitsu that that guy brings. and he gets you in a bad position, you're fucked, man. Because it's like a level. It's a really high, high level of jiu-jitsu that that guy brings.

If he gets you in a checkmate position, the odds are that you're going to squirm out of it. Like, look, he got Paul Daly in Elite XC. In Elite XC, they were fucking him. The fight goes to the ground for more than 15 seconds. They stand you up. Like, literally, they told the referees to stand fights up, even if they were active. Like, Roy Nelson got stood up when he was in fucking side control working on a Kimura and Andrei Orlovsky, and they stood him up.

It was completely ridiculous. Well, Jake Shields' jiu-jitsu is so tight, he caught Paul Daly with an arm bar, even under those rules. He doesn't need much time, dude. He gets a guy like Daly on the ground. He's like, give me that, bitch. Crazy. It's just that high-level stuff.

It's nuts. But he's got to get it to the ground. That's where Ellenberger throws balls. And if you can defend the takedown, that's a huge part of it. And Ellenberger moves good on his feet, too. That's the other thing. He's not a dude who just stands there like a robot. There's some guys who just kind of wade in.

He moves. He moves on his feet. He moves on his toes. That's a tough fight. That's an excellent fight. What's your call on the Bisbing-Miller fight? I can't wait to see the series because the series is going to be hilarious because Mayhem is never going to stop fucking with him.

He's so funny. And I've already heard some shit that's gone down. I can't divulge any information and give you any previews, but there's already been some crazy shit going down and Mayhem is having a blast. He's a true entertainer. He loves it too. I'm around comics all the time. That dude's hilarious. Yeah, he's very funny. He's a true entertainer he loves it too like i'm around comics all the time that dude's hilarious yeah i mean he's a true personality he's he's got bigger than life

personality he's so entertaining like i love hanging out with the guy because he's just it's just always fun you want to get some insight into him read his articles he's smart yeah he's a good writer man he's a good writer no doubt he's a really smart guy he's not you know you think you look at him he's got dyed hair. He's like, hey, hey, hey, yeah. Smart. Very smart. He's got a great take on things and a very thought out take on things.

And if you read his blogs, like he's very proud of them. He's a very good writer. And he could fucking easily write a book. And it would be a great book. Because there's a guy who's lived some crazy shit. Well, my buddy, Anthony Tambakis, who's a novelist actually it was talking about his novel he said you should write a book and i think he's gonna call it total mayhem or something yeah this is great yeah why not just tell his story man his fucking stories of getting in fights with his dad and just growing up getting

in fights on his blog well i said the first time i met him i we were in vegas and i walked him and i said dude you know i gotta just be honest in a T-shirt. You don't look that tough. You know, besides the nose and the ears. But you look at his back and he's a big guy, but it's kind of lanky. I mean, if you if he said I'm a tennis pro, I'd be like, that makes sense. You're a tennis pro. You're not. He doesn't look like an MMA fighter. He's not like a like like Jake. You look at his ears and his neck. You're like, wow. But mayhem from the from behind looks somewhat slender. This is a gay conversation. Yeah, exactly.

This is how stoned I am. I've been listening to you guys like as if you guys were all gay guys like talking about other guys. You're talking so much louder than everybody else. But in the steam, in the steam of the shower,

what I'm trying to say is that he tends to, just the way the water ripples off his body. Man, I was holding me down. I can't believe your butt fucking is so weird. I can't believe

you've got that kind of top game. Yeah, just don't smile at me because then it makes it really gay. For the last five minutes, I've been thinking about that. And you're like, you know, like you said, beautiful body. You said you should see his if he gets a hold of you on top, you know, you're like you just replay the whole thing, what you're saying and act like you were talking about other guys like gossiping. It's one of the funniest things. You're probably right.

The psychiatrist had a field day. First of all, you know probably right. Psychiatrists have a field day. First of all, you know what? All psychiatrists would have a field day talking about jiu-jitsu. It seems so good. Two guys in their 40s. Two guys in their 40s. Yeah, two guys in their 40s passionately talking about fighting. One guy has a very manly beard.

The other one just shaved his off, and he's got a backwards baseball hat, and he's pushing 50. Cut to us in hour one. No shirts, no shirts. I'm hot. I'm not going to wear these pants. I got this new lotion I'm using on my chest. I don't know if it's the right choice. Let me see.

How does it feel? I smell like flowers, bro. Man, you feel as slippery as a slide. I finally found the secret of listening to MMA talk. Now I will not have eyes glazed over anymore. I'll be giggling like a motherfucker. You just pretend it's talking about gay sex. Cuts me wearing a bandana for no reason. A lot of people still don't know

that Brian was the one I had a thing called Getting Pumped that Howard Stern used to play a bunch of times it was on my first CD I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday and it's me

and this other dude working out in a basement and it's me and Brian so fun and it was fuck that was fun and Kelly Kirsten Kelly Kirsten played my mom

I remember when we laid that down yeah that was fun dude that was veryirsten. Kelly Kirsten played my mom. I remember when we laid that down. Yeah, that was fun, dude. That was very fun. Anyway, if you ever meet Mayhem, ask him to tell you the story about when he was in Florida and he ended up ninja-ing like six guys because he was dancing with a girl.

And the guy's like, are you trying to disrespect me? He was like, no, I'm not disrespecting. And the guy's like, hey. And he throws a punch and Mayhem basically goes, hey, kid, with an elbow. Kid, knocks him out. He goes, I got to get out of here. He goes out there and like six guys come out. He's like, uh-oh he throws a punch and Mayhem basically goes, hey, get it, with an elbow. Get it, knocks him out. He goes, I got to get out of here. He goes out there and like six guys come out.

He's like, uh-oh, here it goes. Yeah. They had no idea what they were getting into. It's like a bunch of coyotes coming in on a pit bull or something. And they're like, ah, let's get him. He's like, knock you out. There was a pile of bodies around him. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, you want to fight him? You've thrown a couple punches in your life? You took some karate in high school? Go have fun. Have fun with Mayhem Miller. Well, what people don't understand

the difference between a professional fighter and a regular human being is this is something they're doing every day, all day, for hours. And Mayhem doesn't take time off. He doesn't get fat.

If Mayhem doesn't have a fight going on, he's still training. He's still doing jiu-jitsu. He's still doing his boxing. He's still doing everything. It's literally like trying to have an argument with a guy and all you have is a book on the language and he's fluent in it it's gonna tie you in knots that's exactly what it is that's what it's like it's like fighting is like a language

you know and everybody's like i got a fucking haymaker bro let me tell you something about this you don't realize he sees it coming a mile away he's gonna kick your knees out from you and giggle and laugh and then you're gonna realize he doesn't mile away, he's going to kick your knees out from you. And giggle while he's doing it. And laugh, and then you're going to realize he doesn't get tired because he's fucking doing it for six hours a day. I remember getting drunk with Eve Edwards and Nate Marquardt. We were shooting this movie in Pittsburgh, and Eve started just practicing. This is Warrior, right?

This comes out in September? In September, yeah. And it's been testing through the roof. This is where you play me. I play you. Remember I called you and I said, I'm playing you in a movie Remember I called you and I said, I'm playing you in a movie. I called you. I go, I'm playing you in a movie.

Can you give me some advice? He goes, I just try to take myself completely out of the equation. And that really helped. I just would call the fights. But they wrote some funny stuff for me. I'm a smart ass, you know, in the movie. Nice. Nice.

It was a good time. But I remember rolling around. What is your name in the movie? Brian Callen. Is it really? Yes. That's beautiful. Brian Callen. Perfect it really? Yes. That's beautiful. Brian Callen.

Perfect. I don't know why more actors just don't do that. No, because the way I got the part is I put the writer and the director together. Imagine that. Tom Hanks stars as Tom Hanks, a knight. They should do that. Danny DeVito is Danny DeVito. A short twin of Arnold Schwarzenegger, played by Arnold Schwarzeneggernold schwarzenegger played by arnold schwarzenegger and do you think

schwarzenegger is ever going to bounce back do you think anybody will ever take the guy seriously again i don't think so um mainly because it depends on how he reacts to it but if you're older now first of all nobody wants to see him as an action hero. Number two, you know, look, I understand infidelity. I can understand as a man, you may stray. Let's all be respectful. Let's all be forgiving, et cetera. Okay? Not that I've ever had thoughts like that.

But the point is that if you're going to funk the housekeeper, here's just – first of all, that's outrageous. But let's just – I'll give it to you. I don't know. Maybe she had big tits. She was ovulating. She smelled like something. You were bored.

I get it. You're the king of the world. How about pulling out or wearing it to you. I don't know. Maybe she had big tits. She was ovulating. She smelled like something. You were bored. I get it. You're the king of the world. How about pulling out or wearing a condom? I don't know. How about not giving her a baby? I think the whole thing is the wild thing. The whole thing of doing it is you're not even supposed to be doing this. And she's sucking your raw cock.

And you just look at that fucking housekeeper pussy. This is my house. I fuck everybody in my house. And you just think about it. And you do, should I pull out? Conan doesn't pull out. Just shoot a load into her like Conan should. Yeah.

When you're the king of the world, why not? He's the king of his world, man. The guy's living in this $20 million mansion. Apparently, right after this happened, they put the house up for sale. And it wasn't, hey, he didn't own it. He sold it to someone else. But this is the house where all the affairs took place. And he sold it to like some professional golfer or something like that.

And that guy put it up right away. And he might have put it up right away because people started hassling him. Yeah, or the overwhelming stench of dried spooge everywhere. Hey, this place, hey, wait, this house smells like cum. And infidelity. This is weird. You hear it echoing in the walls like a mass murder,

you know, the haunted building. That building's haunted with him cumming. Ugh, cumming, all the time, cumming. Cumming.

I'm cumming. And he fucked her for 10 years, man. He did? He was fucking her for 10 years. You were so excited. I thought it was a one-off. Oh, no,. Oh my god. No no he was banging her in the bed. That's outrageous. He was banging her in the bathroom. He was banging her everywhere. Unless you think of it as a tool for masturbation type thing. Like she was just like a flesh like that. You obviously have a problem with women. Yeah what are you talking about dude. That's a human being. Yeah, but it's also his maid. I saw her.

So he kind of thinks of it as a tool. She actually has a face that looks a little bit like Mayhem Miller's. And I'm not attracted to that, but I guess he is. She was a big, who knows what she looked like when she was younger. I think he could make a comeback if he does a movie like Copland. I don't know if you remember that movie. You know what she looks like? I don't mean to make fun of someone.

She looks like the Mexican female version of KRS-One. Listen, she has a daughter. She's a pretty lady. That's what I'm saying. I'm a big KR make fun of somebody. She looks like the Mexican female version of KRS-One. Listen, she has a daughter. She's a pretty lady. That's what I'm saying. I'm a big KRS-One fan. As am I. Boop, boop. That's the sound of the police.

Boop, boop. Good for her, man. She was doing what she was. No woman can say no to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's in the house and my cock is out. Did you ever see Copland, though? That was kind of a weird movie for Sylvester Stallone, where it was kind of like he played a little chubby.

Yeah, he got fat. I think if Arnold does a movie like that, where he plays a character that's kind of down on his luck, coming back, kind of like a dirty cop or something like that, I think he could do it. There's a stench of failure. I want to see a good actor do that. I don't know how good an actor he is.

It's true. I don't go to the movies to see Arnold Schwarzenegger do dramatic acting. But you also thought that of Sylvester Stallone when he did Coppola. No, no, no, no, no. Because Sylvester Stallone did Rocky. Okay, you gotta remember,

he did some shitty ass movies, but Sylvester Stallone did fucking Rocky. Wrote and acted in it. It was one of the best movies ever. And hung in there because they wanted

to give that movie to someone else. They wanted to give that movie to some other stars. And he said, no, this is my movie. And when he wrote this and did this,

in the end of the movie, he doesn't even win. That's what a lot of people don't even realize. He loses in that movie. It was inspired by a losing performance by Chuck Wepner

when Chuck Wepner fought Muhammad Ali. So he wrote all this shit out, did it all himself, and acted as fucking asshole. Unbelievable. He became a goof kind of later

and I love him. I mean, when I say a goof i'm saying a guy who does these big crazy cartoonish movies and don't forget how great those movies were when you're a young man and i saw first blood yeah it's one of the best movies i've ever seen i loved it was great for who you were at the time and at the time it came out you know being 14 or whatever but rocky's still a badass fucking movie yeah but i mean if you take away the fighting I haven't seen Rocky maybe 10 years Oh the fighting is not good

No I know but is the acting actually good It's unbelievable Talia Shire is brilliant in that movie I actually just watched it three days ago Yeah And I'll tell you something right now That movie holds the test of time It is still one of the great movies

And one of the most moving movies When he's down he's going Stay down Rock Remember Burgess Meredith when he comes that actor who comes and he says I want to be a manager

Rock I'm 76 years old I want to be a manager it stinks my place and he does that whole thing then he comes running out it was such a beautiful it was brilliant

it was one of the greatest character pieces ever written in my opinion yeah when he's angry and he's like this is all he's got in his house and Burt's around yeah when he's angry and he's like this is all he's got in his house

and Bert's around there and he's yelling and screaming that was so fucking real and then he was so moving when he looks at Adrian and he goes

remember when I said that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt it did and he walks away your heart breaks for him yeah it's like

when he gets his shit together and got up and starts drinking raw eggs you're fucking you start moving in your seat Credit that movie for for ushering in the fitness craze in America. Yeah Dude, I was whatever I was when it came out 11 or something like that. I drank raw eggs and ran around my block Threw up

Dude he was a bad motherfucker and it's it's a weird thing is like how does a guy ran around my block. I almost threw up. I remember doing that too, but I just don't remember the acting of him. Dude, he was a bad motherfucker. And it's a weird thing. It's like, how does a guy, I guess he just gives up on good movies and says, let's just make something crazy and explode and have a good time. Let's have a good time, everybody. Yeah, that might be it.

But I also think what happens is, like with Arnold or anybody, when you surround yourself, and it's almost impossible to avoid, when you surround yourself with an army of people that make their living off you what happens i think is that like anything a politician has been in power too long you start you lose self-awareness because everybody's telling you you're perfect you're great they laugh at your jokes and everything you're the emperor and i think that the the biggest trapping of that kind of fame is that you start to drink the Kool-Aid

right and you lose perspective you lose self-awareness you you you keep playing the same note over and over again because people keep telling you it's great and instead of like actually putting yourself back in the real arena which is competing with what's really going on and having people really give you real critiques you know i was in an acting class and burt reynolds showed up and he did some scenes in class and i thought to myself burt reynolds at 70 whatever is still not only doing scenes in class but kind of failing in front of people and having a teacher critique his performance and was he getting a lot of white pussy because of this young white actress i i didn't see that but that's probably why anybody would be in an acting class, by the way.

Was he Burt Reynolds from Boogie Nights? He was so good and so hilarious. You know, he did a scene from Carnal Knowledge with Catherine Bell from... Anyway, but... Well, he's another guy, right? Go back to Deliverance. Burt Reynolds was a bad motherfucker. Yes, he was.

He was a bad motherfucker. And then he got vain. And then he got weird. You start wearing a wig and you get plastic surgery. He was a bad motherfucker. And then he got vain. And then he got weird. You start wearing a wig and you get plastic surgery. I don't think so. Still, though, dude, those fucking... There's something about him in those Smokey and the Bandit movies where you really wanted him

to succeed. He was a great movie star. Yeah. Dude, he was a good looking guy who was always happy. He always had a smile on his face. He had a silly mustache. And he was always getting the girl. And you wanted him to. He was a fucking man. You wanted him to get away from the law. He was a man mustache. And he was always getting the girl. And you wanted him to. He was a fucking man. You wanted him to get away from the law.

He was a man's man. Yeah. And by the way, he made a fucking mustache work. He fucking rocked that mustache, son. I grew a mustache. I did this thing for a Californication. I had a mustache. I look like I should work in a deli.

That's as sexy as I get. Like, I should be making sandwiches. He looks like a fucking, you know, a leading man. I look like an ape. Very hard to pull off a mustache. I go human. Like, I should be making sandwiches. He looks like a fucking, you know, a leading man. I look like an ape. Very hard to pull off a mustache. I go human. This is why I got human here. And then I go to ape.

And then I shave it down to human. I went with a mustache once just to goof. And Mrs. Rogan was like, what the fuck is that on your face? Terrible, right? He looked like a caterpillar. Yeah. Like a big, fat, thick bug. I look like an aggressive gay man who makes sandwiches.

I fuck guys and I make sandwiches in my deli. You know who works on Brian Jarvis? You know that comedian Brian Jarvis at all? Brian Jarvis has a Tom Selleck mustache. And if you know his comedy and you know his face, it's just perfect. When you say aggressive gay man, for a while, I never knew that crystal meth was so popular in the gay community. I had no idea that meth and amphetamines and speed and amyl nitrates and a bunch of really crazy chemicals were so prevalent in the gay community. So I would occasionally run into dudes that were gay, especially around West Hollywood near the comedy store, that had this crazy fucking look in their eye.

They were really obviously gay. I didn't know they were hopped up on drugs. So in my silly 25-year-old just moving to LA mind, I was like, wow, there's a certain look that some of these gay guys get when they're really crazy. I didn't realize that there's fucking, I'm in the hub of gay meth use in the country. That's it.

You thought it was a sexual look like oh my god he really wants me i just thought that's what they looked like like it was like you you have amazing you have amazing radar for anything off kilter it's like it's like an animal of prey that sees like if you put a cow in a in a um uh not an animal prey not that the cow is an animal prey but like if you put an animal flight in like a stall and there's a piece of like a string hanging that it hasn't seen, they won't go in that stall. And you have a very good eye for something that's like that sharp F, like there's music and all of a sudden somebody comes in with a horn like, you know, you're like, that's

something weird. You pick up on that stuff better than anybody I know. I grew up without anybody protecting me. So I grew up in some weird situations. We lived in a bunch of places where I didn't have any friends. And I was forced at a very early age to try to kind of like get an objective sense of the world around me without listening to other people's opinions of it, without taking for granted that everyone else is paying attention

and that they've got a grip on reality. To me, no one had a grip on reality. So I'm always like scanning everything. And I'm an honest person. So when I see someone, there's something off. When I see something off, it's literally like it smells to me. And I always use two examples. One, I use the one with the girl with you.

And this is a true story. Two seconds. She's crazy, dude. You got to get out of here right now. She's crazy. I wasn't just saying that this is maybe a crazy girl. was like emphatic about it i was trying to gab him out yeah and i didn't know it she was doing meth and then but i chose to move her into my house anyway but it's that's where it comes from and the the other uh one um was uh this guy that turned out

to be a child molester and my friend yon was on the podcast a couple weeks ago we talked about it where i met the guy and right away they're hanging out with this guy. He's their friend, their buddy. And right away, I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing here? What is this? Like everything was like, all these alarms are going off. He calls me up a couple weeks later and goes, you're not going to believe who just got arrested. And he says that guy's name. And I go, he was a child, child molester, right? And he goes, yeah. He goes, how the fuck did you know? I go, dude, I don't know. I don't know how I knew But that was number one guess You mean when you were younger

You met this guy No no no This is just a few years ago But those are my Two best examples Of being able to pick up Right away I saw him

And right away I was like what the fuck And I even said to the guy What's up with that guy What was it I don't know man It was everything Smells

The way he's moving The way he's interacting With other people About like a young kid's penis Well when you say smell Stop it Brian When you say smell that's a thing that they believe about psychosis, about some psychotic behavior may actually be triggered by pheromones. And literally, you put out a certain smell, and this is all theoretical, and they really don't exactly know what causes some people's psychotic episodes. But they think you put out a certain smell, and then then people smell this and they're put off by you.

And so people are acting weird with you. So you think, am I weird? And it starts this chain reaction that literally can make a person slowly go crazy. We know when you, the worst thing you can do to a person in prison is to put them in solitary confinement and leave them alone with their own thoughts without interacting with people. So there's something. That's when psychosis actually forms.

Yeah. There's something that we need when we interact with people. And when we get it wrong, like if you literally smell off, and I'm using the word smell because there's a smell like that. Pheromones are like,

you don't really smell them, right? I think people vibrate at the wrong frequency sometimes. They're jerking differently. And your body, there's book i mean malcolm gladwell wrote that book blink about that where you put you a human eye can pick up a massive amount of information did you did you ever hear do you ever read that book he uses an amazing example of there was this this uh the getty museum paid a fortune a fortune for a statue that was a young Greek boy. It was called a Kouros. And they found the statue in Greece fully formed. And they were like, whoa, this is this statue is like, I mean,

they had never found something and it was worth a fortune. And the Getty was going to pay something like 30, 300 million dollars, some crazy amount, 30 million dollars, whatever it is. And it was a lot of money. And so but but the the thing is the getty kept running these tests on it and this guy this the guy who was a creator and people when the first thing that came to his mind he said when i saw it there was something off he said what was it he said the first word that came to mind was fresh when i saw it it looked fresh he said and if something's been in the ground for 5 000 years it shouldn't come out looking fresh so they ran all these tests they dug into the marble really really deep they they took the fun the mold on the actual marble to see how old it

was and they did all these tests and they i mean literally spent a year testing it before they bought it okay so now they buy it and they put it on display i believe they brought it to um italy to or to show at this big it was was a traveling exhibit, you know, and the minute they were setting it up to show as they pulled it off, I believe the, and if you guys are listening and you read the book, I, I, it's been a while since I read the book. So, but for the, for the story sake, the curator of that museum, the guy who's the expert, they lifted the veil to show how they were going to present it. And he's after all these tests and he stopped and he went, he goes, how they were going to present it.

And he's, after all these tests and he stopped and he went, he goes, what, what, what did this, did you guys pay for this already? And I go,

yeah, what are you talking about? Oh, no, no, can you get your money back? No, no,

this is a fake. This is a fake. And I go, what are you talking about? And he picked up on it. He picked up on what everybody else picked up on it, but they, but they were so excited

that they actually found this thing that they didn't want to believe it. And he said, if you have to test for a year on the authenticity of something, all of you guys, all of your experienced minds were telling you right away, there's something wrong here. We wanted that mystery shit. He uses so many classic examples.

Watch this. When he had, they had old, they had people come to his office, to a psychiatrist's office and they would, when they mentioned the words orange, Florida, and raisin, people left the office much slower than they did otherwise. Why? Because when you mentioned orange, Florida, and raisin, people thought of old people, retirees. And so young people would actually leave the office. They would walk down the hallway leaving the office much slower, a lot slower than they did when they didn't hear those words. So what you hear, what, what is suggested to you has a profound effect on your physiology, not just your mind. And he uses so many incredible examples of this. I can't even tell you. It's, it's incredible. So if you guys,

if you guys are listening, the book is called Blink and it's outstanding. All of Malcolm Gladwell's books are great. So this guy in the literally a blink of an eye, saw this statue and knew. Immediately. He felt it. And the human eye, you can glance at something and pick up on everything. Right. Much more information than you can even imagine. And we have learned how to do that.

He calls it slicing. I think broad slicing or something, where you just pick up on something. I've always felt like there's more senses than we can totally define because there's a sense when someone's lying. There's a sense that it's very difficult to describe deceptive language because if you looked at it on a computer, the timing seems to be pretty similar. I mean, if someone's good at it, their timing is pretty similar to someone who's being honest. Yeah, but what does a lie detector do?

It measures in a very minute detail, your breathing, your respiratory rate, all these things, the heat of your skin and all that. And that changes when you're not telling the truth. I've always wondered if that goes off, though, if you're nervous. Because you ever been innocent of something,

but someone thinks you're guilty, and when you're describing what actually happened, it sounds ridiculous, and you feel like you're guilty, but you're not guilty? It does, but a guy who knows how to, but you're not guilty. It does. I've been there. But a guy who knows how to operate a lie detector

will take that into account. And that's why when you do that, they ask you very simple questions first. They ask you, what's your name? Where'd you grow up? And then they'll start getting into it slowly. And then they take that into account. Now, a lot of guys say

you can throw off a lie detector test by getting your body tight to begin with. And so you fool it. So you get into a state... What if you were high as fuck? I don't know. I bet you could go in there on LSD and just blaze through that bitch.

With sociopaths, apparently it doesn't work because they don't care if they lie or not. Because they don't care. There's no guilt. You would think, though, you could easily throw it off by just like every time he asks a question,

you just think of something like my dog dying or something like that. Yeah, they can force you out of that there's like they know that people do that so there's tactics

in order to like to trip you up with questions that kind of will fuck with your emotions because you don't know what the question

is going to be beforehand so yeah I know what you're saying though I would think that too think about Spiderman every time you know

they ask you have you ever stole money from this bank you think about Spiderman or just put like razor blades in your ass and it hurts so bad the whole time

you're thinking about the razor blades somebody said razor blades in your ass and it hurts so bad the whole time you're thinking about the razor blades. Did somebody say razor blades in their ass? Oh, Brian. There's a thing that I wanted to talk about this when you were talking about that statue being a fraud.

There's a thing called the Voynich Manuscript. I don't know if you ever heard about this, but it was a book that was thought to have been written in the early 15th century. And it's in a language

that no one could decipher and they uh they sent this to the all the top coders and the experts and the people that you know decoded the nazi signals in the in the 40s and the top coders in the world and people have gone over it for decades nobody can figure out how to fucking decode it they have no idea what this language is they have it's all like illustrated with all these beautiful pictures but nobody wanted to admit that since they've been working on this for so long it might just be bullshit yeah and that's what it turns out it is it turns out that this is a guy they think the guy that sold it and initial initially to this Voynich fellow was a con man, and that he knew that Voynich loved old manuscripts, so he concocted this really elaborate old manuscript complete with detailed pictures of plants

and all these different things, so it makes it look like there's all sorts of knowledge in this book, but it's 100% horse shit, a fake language, and he wrote a 240-page fake language book, and people have been studying it, shit, since fucking, when did he get it? 1912. Incredible.

1912. So for 100 fucking years, assholes have been going over this guy's fake book. And people suspected it early on. People were like, well, what if it's a fake? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And the more time goes on, the more they don't want to even think about the possibility that it could have been a fake. Yeah. It's kind of like.

That's very human. That's very human that's very human yeah and this story it's been the beginning of the book is just incredible where you just say wow the getty got duped by a comment you know what they found the uh the the the mold on the uh on the uh because it was taken from a from a type of um uh a type of marble that can only be found in a rock bed in like Thessaloniki or like one of these like so so they came from there and and the

the mold they had these tests to test the mold and how old it was there's a type of mold that grows on a potato that you can grow on marble so whoever did this

knew exactly what they were doing wow and they just got away with 30 40 whatever million dollars at the getty and then they just disappear some people are such bad ass whatever million dollars at the getty. And then they just disappeared?

Some people are such badasses. Like, talk about just going all the way. Like, yeah, found the statue. You guys want to buy it? Like, even coming up with that, like, hey, guys, I got an idea. Let's carve a statue out of marble in the rock bed of Thessaloniki and we'll grow a potato mold on it and sell it for 40 million. Get the fuck out of my office.

What? Somebody must have really known a lot about art to pull that off yeah that's what blows my mind there are people

out there that are just so good at stuff like that and that's how they do it they just hang the cut and they go I'm gonna rip off

a museum that's like some movie shit Indiana Jones that's movie shit yeah it's like you heard about

that Lee Murray heist oh yeah the fighter the MMA fighter from England 83 million dollars yeah something like that it was in pounds Yeah. It's like, you heard about that Lee Murray heist? No. Oh, yeah, the fighter. The MMA fighter from England. $83 million or something. Yeah, something like that. It was in pounds. I don't know how it translates. I want to be a fighter and a bank robber.

I suck. It was like the biggest heist in history. They should let him out. Come on. He's awesome. They wore masks and guns, and they literally planned it all out and timed it all out to the alarms. They did it like a goddamn movie.

And he's in a jail in Morocco now, and Morocco won't send him back over. Really? Yeah, Morocco's pretty loked out. Like, if you're a Moroccan citizen, they protect you. Oh, he was Moroccan? There's been a few fighters that got in trouble and just bolted to Morocco, like Badr Hari.

Badr Hari got in a bit of trouble, bolted to Morocco. Once you're in Morocco, man, they care their own. That's not bad. They love fighters in Morocco. Do they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Lee Murray, man, he just fucked up too large. They had to come after him, even in Morocco.

And when he was in Morocco, by the way, on the lam, he beat a guy up and kidnapped him. Oh, my God. He's a rough guy. So he wasn't slowing down once he got to Morocco. I got a feeling he runs that prison yard. He's an animal. Yeah, that guy was quite a character. That guy got he got to Morocco. I got a feeling he runs that prison yard. He's an animal. Yeah, that guy was,

he's quite a character. That guy got almost stabbed to death. He got stabbed like some insane amount of times. His heart stopped a couple times.

They had to restart him on the fucking operating table and he had a video online of him six to eight weeks, I think, after open heart surgery

hitting the pads. He's, then they're like like Lee Murray's back and it shows Lee Murray bobbing and weaving and throwing combinations on the pads six fucking weeks after open heart surgery I take a three hour flight I'm like I gotta take a nap I'm tired

I wish I knew the exact amount of weeks it was it might not have been six it might have been twelve whatever it was it was fucking ridiculous this guy just had open heart surgery now all of a sudden He's hitting the pads And he's getting ready To fuck people up That's what he's saying

He's like I'm back You fucking bitches And he's throwing Punches at the pads You can stab my heart With a knife And I'll still kick your ass He's a legit gangster

That guy was legit He's originally From England though Well he lived in England You know He lived and fought Out of England Fought some tough guys too man

Fought Anderson Silva Went the distance with him wow and Anderson was really coming into his own does anybody get away with bank robberies does anybody pull off

huge heists that's a very good question man a guy just pulled off a fucking Picasso heist in San Francisco Picasso's different though because art is a really good thing to get into

because first of all jury's considered like a victim of crime so a lot of times you don't do a lot of time and also there's always really yeah

and also there's just people that you can unload it with. It's an interesting story that this one, this guy walked into a gallery, picked it up off the wall, walked out, got in a cab,

took off. Nobody noticed him taking this Picasso sketch off a wall. Wow. It's worth like 200 grand. He just grabs it and leaves. Yeah.

But the thing is like, good luck selling it. How are you going to sell that thing? That's the issue. Everyone knows what it is. Yeah, but you can sell it. There's private sellers. Yeah the thing is, good luck selling it. How are you going to sell that thing? That's the issue. Everyone knows what it is. Yeah, but you can sell it. There's private sellers. Yeah, you sell it to some really rich

Chinese tycoon who lives in Manchuria and wants it on his wall. Yeah, you would have to know exactly who that guy is. That's like a tricky situation. But they usually do. They usually go, I got a Picasso for sale.

Give me 100 grand. That's how you get caught though too. They sell it to... Well, you got to Picasso for sale. Give me $100,000. That's how you get caught, though, too. They sell it to... Well, you got to let the guy who's selling it make a big piece of the pie. That's what you got to do. If you got something like that and it's stolen and you're smart, what you would do is you would go to someone and say, listen, man, we both know this thing's worth $200,000.

Give me $100,000. You know what's funny? And then you take $100,000 off of it, and then the guy's like, okay, well, I just made a good fucking chunk of money. Now this is worth my risk And I can insure both of our safeties But I don't think criminals I'm like a gentleman criminal

I don't think criminals like that do it for the money I think criminals do it for the juice I think that Some people have to get drunk Some people have to do blow Other people just have to do crime I recommend jujitsu, my friend. Jujitsu.

Get in there and get your freak on. I got to start rolling. Get back in there, buddy. Come on. I need to go to Javier Verdum's place. Who? Javier Verdum is half a mile away. You mean Fabrizio?

Fabrizio. Javier's his brother. I'm going to go in there. Hey, is Javier here? Javier's his brother that's like, you know, Fabrizio's not that big a deal, man. I'm telling you. I haven't got the real deal. I gave him an award at the MMA Awards, Fabrizio's not that big a deal, man. I'm telling you, I haven't got the real deal. I gave him an award at the MMA Awards, Fabrizio.

He is such a giant. He's a huge dude. He's just a huge guy. He's a badass jiu-jitsu guy. If this was just jiu-jitsu, if MMA was just jiu-jitsu, like, see, he's one of those guys that really became an MMA fighter as a jiu-jitsu champion and had to learn everything else from scratch. And, like like when he

first like first fought olovsky like you look at that fight he like had no striking even when he fought uh alistar the first time had very little striking he just wanted to get guys to the ground and when he got outside of the ground back then he submitted him it's a shame that there's not like professional jiu-jitsu and professional wrestling yeah but there's not real money in it you know i mean like and wrestling as well man like real professional wrestling it should be a goddamn sport that's a very small audience who you say that but fucking golf is on tv man and that's boring as fuck if if you know you could watch like real like high level wrestlers going at it and painting each other yeah dude it's you can't tell me that if you didn't get someone to explain it correctly you get some really passionate

wrestling champion guy to explain it correctly. I almost think that people who watch wrestling did wrestle, so they know the difference. I don't know about that, man. I think people could watch it just like, I swear to God, I could watch golf. I know it's boring as fuck, but I can watch it. There's a conclusion. I know what the conclusion is. This guy's going to hit that thing, and if it goes in there, then he's happy.

And if it doesn't go in there, oh, he's fucked. You know what I mean? So in that simple little, I don't play golf, and I don't know what strokes are and par. You should never pick up golf because you'll become crazy. You'll love it. I'm not going to touch it. Because you're so obsessed. It's pool outside.

You'll love it. I can't do it. Well, I wouldn't do it. Well, that's what I always think about. Like, why would you play pool, you know, like if it was outside? Wouldn't you make it all inside? That would be ridiculous because then you could play in the rain. Like, golf, you can't play in the rain.

Especially on the East Coast. I know. When you get an addiction, you don't want to have to take the time off in the winter. It's crazy. I played pool all through the winter. You can always play pool. You can still play in the rain

and that's what kind of makes it different than pool is that your environment's always changing. So it's not like the same flat surface every time. You're like, hey, now the pool table is like in a mountain and there's an ocean in the middle of it. That is cool. And it also is cool that you have to adjust for like the wind and shit like that think about like you're playing against nature a little bit golf is you know it's that saying it's like the longest distance is that one the one the distance between

your ears you know it's all mental so as is pool pool is what you're doing with pool is you are have a slippery surface of a fast Simonis 860 cloth, right? It's not even like felt. People think of it as felt, but it's a cloth. And the balls roll very nice and smooth and even on that. And the balls are all waxed and cleaned, and they all weigh the perfect amount of weight. They all weigh the same exact weight. And these balls, you're colliding one ball into another, trying to send it into a very small space.

You know, usually in pro tournaments it's four and a half inch pockets so you have very little room for error and you're calculating the exact distance the amount of rotations that ball is going to make on this slippery cloth to get your ball in the perfect position for the next shot and it becomes this weird zen thing do you know on that speaking of balls colliding into each other, you know what that collider actually, that super collider in Switzerland actually does? Large hadron? You know what it actually does?

You know what they're trying to figure out? The Higgs-Boson particle. Yeah, the God particle. Well, actually, they're trying to prove that with string theory, this notion that there are other dimensions where matter goes, right? And so when they collide these things together, within this chamber, when these two atoms, I guess, or is that what they're hitting at? When they collide, they give off debris, they give off energy. If that energy goes away, if part of that energy kind of isn't there anymore, that would prove that those tiny particles

that are made actually smaller than quarks are going somewhere else, and that's how they're trying to prove that there are other dimensions. Yeah, but does that even make sense? Like, what if those articles just burn out? You know what I mean? Like, I know they said that energy can never die or whatever,

and if those particles go into another dimension, but what if those particles just died? You know, what if we were just wrong about the art of being? I don't know. Here's why. Because particles can, two things can happen. It's energy, first of all. There's a lot of confusion when it comes to subatomic particles

and when it comes to any kind of quantum theory because it sort of gets kind of culty and weirdy and it sort of gets a lot of it is theoretical. But here's what they do know. They do know that particles can exist and not exist at the same time they can be in two different places at the same time and they're the same particle

and they can disappear and reappear and we don't know where they're going but they do go somewhere and that seems to indicate a level of evidence at at least some infinitesimal subatomic level that there is some sort of

a passageway where things go from one place and come back. And string theory is based on this notion that at the end of it, the very smallest particles are all these sort of

vibrating circles of light. And those are so small that they can fit into different, I guess, dimensions of where... And the idea behind string theory is that you have Newtonian reality, which is the reality you and I live in, which is gravity and everything else, and then you have the subatomic reality, which is whenever you get into the subatomic world, a lot of times the very laws that govern us are, in fact, the

opposite. Light bends, gravity collapses on itself, all these things that I don't know about, but I mean, they'll talk about. String theory is what Einstein called this unification theory, this one thing that brings all of it together so that you have one theory that can explain how the world really works. But there's still a lot of controversy. Oh, yeah. It's all imagination. Yeah. But they are proving with math, there's a very good lecture on it in TED, but they are proving with math, there's a very good lecture on it in TED,

but they can prove with math that there are other dimensions. 11 dimensions, right? Yeah, 11 dimensions. I have no idea how the fuck they prove it. When someone says that, I just repeat it. Oh, they proved it with math. What was the the answer that theory

that question they were coming up with the answer was 357 pages long all numbers hey this looks like fun reading Jesus Christ

what are you talking about it's like anything else man it's like what we discussed when we were talking about fighting an MMA fighter is literally like trying to get an argument with someone

and all you have is a language book like for the average person yeah they speak a different language they speak the language of mathematics, and they've been speaking this language for decades and decades,

and they go deep, deep, deep into the rabbit hole. It's all, well, because mathematical theory, which is where you go, is all imagination. You know, you see these guys sometimes, and they're actually really like, you know, this one dude's working on the particle collider. He gave this lecture at TED. Young, really good-looking kid,

like dressed, like with these awesome awesome clothes and just kind of like geez, you don't get laid, do you? And yet he's this brilliant physicist. Brilliant physicist. Well, physicists sort of have a history of being skirt chasers. If you go back to Feynman, that was like one of Feynman's... There was like a bubble chart that would be like

are girls around? If no girls around, you know, work on physics. Here's what's great about that is that I'm not that smart and I have nothing to talk to girls about for the most part.

I wonder what those guys have to say. Well, Feynman was just such a genius. I mean, he was just, he was so, he was such a good talker too

and he had like kind of a cool accent too because even though he was a genius, he had a very sort of an ethnic East Coast accent which is really odd. Well,

this guy, this guy I'm talking about, he's from Manchester and he talks like that, you know, and he'm talking about He's from Manchester And she talks like that You know And he's unbelievable He's got long black hair And he wears this great

Sort of you know I'm like dude Your accent You got hair like Johnny Depp And you're And you help build That collider You're one of the leading minds

And you're 28 You know who my favorite guy is Aubrey de Grey Do you know who he is No He's the guy who's trying To make people live forever and he has this incredible mane oh i know exactly who that drinks beer like every day yeah oh he's

awesome amazing he's amazing did you you know ray kurzweil now has transcendent man he came out with that oh yeah there's a documentary oh yeah we've talked about it a hundred times yeah it's a but i love that guy with that long beard that guy's awesome people can live forever yeah well he's fucking on the cusp i mean that guy is at the head. That guy's awesome. People can live forever. Yeah. Well, he's fucking on the cusp. I mean, that guy is at the head of all the creative ideas about genetic engineering and fucking crazy. Redoing organs. You know, they created a windpipe recently with stem cells.

Did you see that? An artificial windpipe? Yeah. Well, I think what they did is they took a cadaver's windpipe and sprayed it with stem cells. Right. And it grew over the cartilage. Yeah.

Which is like, okay. And then they installed it in the guy's neck. And now he can breathe. Yep. And they did the same thing with bladders. We are just at the beginning of some muddy live forever shit. It's like the really smart guy. I can't remember his name.

And he went, we've not invented anything. I tell people that and they don't understand. Nothing's been invented yet. Just wait for the next 40 years. Oh, yeah. if you're around for the next century it's gonna fucking everything you know out the window i put up something on my twitter yesterday about a 3d printer and it was on a television show there was a video of it on live leak and this 3d printer this guy takes a wrench and they put the wrench into a copier and the copier looks at the wrench and figures out how the wrench is built and then makes it out of resin. Makes it out of this incredibly hard resin where you can actually use it as a fucking wrench.

So this thing literally physically made this wrench with moving parts and prints it all in one piece. That's so crazy. It's so genius. You know how a wrench has that thing in the middle where you have to screw it with your thumb to adjust it? Well, it made that all in one printing. And it made that part that screws with your thumb a different color. So the adjustment wheel was a different color. It was red.

And the rest of the thing was gray. And it printed it in one 3D form. It's fucking incredible. You just tweeted that video? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just yesterday. That's why, you know, you can talk about magic. Technology is way more incredible than any kind of magic you can think up it is magic i mean that's

probably what magic is all these stories of magicians it's probably just they came upon some fucking idiots that didn't have fire yet you know they came upon some dummies who didn't have guns and they had bang sticks and they fucking just dominated shit that's it yeah i mean look what fucking magic would everybody forgot it they remember everything else i like that they forgot all the magic in transcendent man where they were talking about basically that we are going to mesh with machines there's no question and our biology is going to die off as you make eyes that work better as you make skin that can heat up as you make you know your body is going to start meshing with biocompatible components that mimic and are in fact better than the very

material you currently live in and and it's going to be a world where people are going to decide to go that way or other people are going to decide you know what i'm going to die like with my old biological self yeah it's going to be interesting it's going to be interesting to figure out what what people choose my favorite part is about that movie is just the story about him and his father. Weird, right? Yeah, man. You know what? That was about a guy who really misses his father and doesn't accept death.

That's an ambitious thing. Well, that's powerful motivation. I don't accept that people die. Fuck it. I'm going to do something where they don't. You're like, you know. Well, it was obviously to him. It really defined him as a human.

Loved his father. Yeah, loved his father. And, you know, that's the same story with that guy, Ronald Mallett, the professor out of the University of Connecticut that's the leading theorist on time travel. His father died when he was a kid, and it freaked him out so bad that he dedicated his life to developing a time machine

because he wants to go back in time and save his old man. Jesus. If that doesn't make you want to fucking cry. I know. And this guy's like, no, he's in his 50s and he's like the leading, and not only that, he's figured out,

at least theoretically, through his studies that that would actually be impossible. And that what's going to happen with the time machine, the current theory is that when a time machine

is invented, what the issue becomes is then all time ceases to become linear because everyone from the invention of that time machine on to the end of time can come

back to that moment in time and any moment in between and any time they choose so time loses all of its linear quality but only the moment the doors opened that's when it happens so literally the the idea is that the way they describe it is you can't travel where there are no roads once the road has been created from that moment in on, time ceases to become what we define as time today. You know, I had Einstein's theory of gravity and it explained to me, well, for example, the sun is 93 million miles away from the earth.

Why does it have an effect? Why does its gravity affect the earth? And so on and so forth. Why does the moons have the same relationship with the earth? And the way Einstein described it is really interesting he said time and space bends it bends according to whatever object is essentially in it so if you look at time and space as a blanket a tight blanket and you drop a a pool ball on it what happens to the blanket is there's an indentation then so so that's essentially what it's doing to time and space. It's bent that plane of time and space.

That's a wild way of looking at it. And now it's spinning. Now take another ball. The smaller ball is rotating within, around that because it's created an indentation there in its own orbit. So that little ball is now going around the, you know, the perimeter of where that one ball is sitting. It creates a word. And that's how Einstein described gravity to a four-year-old. He said, this is how gravity and time works. And, uh, and of course, the farther away you get, uh, from that, the less you spin or the longer it takes to completely one revolution,

which means then that you get as you go farther away you know um you come you you don't age as quickly i mean time goes by much slower that's right because it takes longer why it takes longer to revolve around whatever whatever is exerting gravity on you but isn't that a crazy thought that you could escape gravity and live longer technically you would live longer that's right and when you would technically, you would live longer. That's right. And when you would come back... But you would have to go out... But would it be relative? Like, for you, like, what I'm saying is,

if you went out and you were 30 years at the speed of light, and then you came back and everyone was dead, and, you know, the people that were children were old people, you would be the same age, but you would feel like you had only lived 30 years, or whatever the fuck it was. You wouldn't feel like you've gone through 100 years like everybody else. No, you would probably, those 30 years would be real for you, I guess, in your time.

In your time, sure. How does that fucking work? That's what's so crazy about it. Are you moving slower? Like, what's going on? No, you're actually, if you're, see, because as you, take the sheet and then take the ball that's in the middle of the sheet, as you rotate around that ball,

if you're close to that ball, it takes, you know, it's a smaller circle, isn't it? As you get out farther, it's like a record player. Take a record player. If I put you on the first line, it's going to take you a much shorter time

to make a complete revolution. I put you at the end of the record player, it's going to take you a long time to go all the way around that's time and as you go further out it takes you much longer to complete a year you're it's a it's a really wild concept but but that is where time and space bends see that's where my feeble brain loses well it's short circuiting because the reason why I'm losing it is because why does it take more time when you're out further when in

Earth time it's going faster. I understand that there's revolutions, but why are you not aging and feeling the same thing as those people on Earth? It's like, I can't. The idea of alternate versions of time and space and traveling at a speed, it's too much.

What's amazing, though, is that it's been proven with subatomic, when Einstein came up with these theories, we didn't have atomic clocks and things. We didn't have the actual tools to prove it. And it wasn't until later on when we actually came up with the technology and the math to prove it, especially the instruments to measure it. And when we came up with the instruments to measure it later on, say 30, 40 years later, it turned out the guy was right. You know, that's when you know you're really smart. When you're like, I got a theory. You guys don't actually even have the machines to measure this, but here's how it goes. Imagine being the first guy to be like, if I shoot you way out, time and space bends like a blanket.

Let me show you with this pool ball. You'd be like, what the? This guy's, what's with the gray-haired guy? All I'm thinking about is banging girls. And what's for dinner? Well, that's what he was into, you know. Einstein was kind of a pimp. Einstein, Picasso said a man does everything for women.

He fights bulls. He does it all. He paints. Fuck it. He goes to war for women so he can look good and come back with a bunch of medals on his chest. I'm not saying that's the case with everybody. It's amazing how guys like Einstein

and guys like Nikola Tesla, they live amongst you and I, but they literally couldn't be any further from the type of person, especially you and I. You and I are like mirror images of each other. We always have been our whole lives. When I first met Brian,

it was on Mad TV with his cup he's got right there. And I was like, who's this fucking guy who's just like me? You know? It was like, immediately it was like, we were the same age. We were both ridiculous.

We were both like, I can't believe I'm in fucking Hollywood. I'm on a TV show. I'd be like, I can't believe I'm on a fucking TV show either. Where are you from? You know who I got along with really well? I just did a show of his and I'm on a TV show. I'd be like, I can't believe I'm on a fucking TV show either. Where are you from? You know who I got along with really well?

I just did a show of his and I really liked was Jay Moore. Jay Moore and I hit it off right away. Yeah. And he loves you. He was talking to me.

He's a great guy. He's an East Coast smartass. I felt so comfortable with the guy. Yeah. He looked in my ears and goes, did you wrestle?

I go, yeah. And he used to wrestle. I didn't know that. Oh, really? Yeah, he was a wrestler. He's funny, man. He kills me. He's a funny guy man he's a silly goose yeah he's a sort of a we talked about a guy's guy sort of a comedian he loves you a lot of comics don't like him because of that you know they don't like that jockey sense of humor he's a great guy yeah he gets shit for that i've heard that about him you know like the some comp they don't like

that whole jay moore style style. They should lift weights and take some testosterone and stop being fucking un-American because Jay Moore is a good American. Joe, have you been following this marijuana thing that they just released the reports on the medical... Yeah, the federal government has declared

there's no medical... I forget the wording, but no valid medical use for marijuana, which is just fucking ridiculous we have a friend uh that has a um a brother uh that has uh he's on the autism spectrum i mean he uh he communicates with you he's you know he's right there he's present you know but he's very very shy and you give this kid pot and you can noticeably see him relax. And it's been known to alleviate a lot of the, the social anxiety and the,

the, the weirdness that autistic people have. I've seen it with my own eyes. I've seen, I've seen that very same example of somebody who is a high functioning autistic who would smoke weed and would literally become lucid. Yeah. And so,

you know, you can say what you want. It's, it's a chemical that's going to affect your brain. Maybe some people that affects them negatively, other people, it's going to affect them positively you know if you're going to if you're going to tell me that if you look at the amount of damage just in money terms and by the way in lives that alcohol does versus weed one of the funniest and craziest things that make no sense that weeds illegal but but alcohol is okay it's

crazy i mean it's it's terrible for your body first person to talk about this but yeah yeah well exactly but i mean it it's it's an example of how slowly in some ways things change yeah they change very slowly because when people get ideas ideas have ideas are really what move and change everything in the world and this goes back to these guys like Tesla. When you think about people who are thinking of truly seminal ideas, like some people sit around and they fucking just sit around and think like up new constructs. They change everything that we, they change everything for the next hundred years. What a privilege.

What an amazing accomplishment. Like what an amazing accomplishment like what an amazing accomplishment i'm gonna i'm gonna come up with i'm gonna change everybody everybody in the world's paradigm i'm gonna change how you live the rest of your life that's what that's what it is well what these guys at the large hadron collider are doing are literally changing our interface with reality yeah i mean they they have a new kind of matter. You know this quark-gluon plasma shit that they came up with? One sugar cube is like 40 billion tons. I mean, they're doing things that people have only theorized for the longest time, and it's never going to stop. This is

what I tell people, and I joke around about this on stage, that we're here to make the Big Bang, and this is like a whole bit about the Large Hadron Collider that might be like the destiny of human beings to reset the universe. We will never stop. Whatever we learn from the Large Hadron Collider, we will apply to the next greater thing. And it's going to keep going on. And if we survive 100 years, the exponential increase of technology. It's all exponential. You just used the word.

It's exponential. It's exponential development. It'll be beyond our imagination. We cannot fathom a reality that would be so far removed from the one that we currently experience that's right that's exactly from what i understand with that marijuana thing though this is actually the third time this has happened where the u.s government has said no this there's nothing good with this shit uh and but it's good for us because now we can take it to the courts or whatever the federal court or and and go against everything

they say so like if they say no this doesn't help headaches and we can like put the proof up like no it does here's 5,000 scientists so this is actually a good thing that that they did this it's very obvious that the system is rigged the only reason why people would be going after marijuana in this day and age we're wasting any resources on something that kills nobody is they're getting paid to do it it's really simple you have to follow the money there's there's no money anytime you pass any kind of law a cottage industry grows up around it oh yeah that's all it is there was an article there was a big debate about ethanol today and there's an ethanol lobby and ethanol's the ethanol problem

with ethanol you got to grow a lot of corn and it's not that efficient it's not that economical it's proven to be not we got only 10 million cars on the road that actually are flex fuel compatible which means basically uh five percent of the cars on the road right now in the united states and and yet you have a lobby an ethanol lobby you have 30 plants try getting rid of ethanol go ahead good luck the whole lobby thing man has always freaked me the fuck out that that's legal and that no one ever says anything it's constitutional under under this you the reason you have lobbyists and you always have had lobbyists is because in the constitution you have the right to petition your government the the the the reason lobbying the reason lobbying has become such a force and the reason politicians essentially are beholden to the nra and these kinds of people is essentially because whenever

you create, as the government becomes bigger and has more influence, which is what it's going to do as it grows, regardless of what side, right, left, it's not a right, left argument. If something like this gets bigger, you are going to have industry that is going to find a way to influence that power structure. How do you do it? You hire people who have contacts with the government. Either they work for the administration, whatever it might be. But that's what happens. So now you have a county like Potomac in Maryland, which is one of the richest, I think it's probably the third richest county in the world. Do you think they manufacture anything?

No. You know what they are? They're all government lobbyists. Isn't that amazing? Wow. And when you try to go from Potomac to Washington, D.C., to the Capitol, you'll be in the car for about two hours. And it's about 20 miles away or whatever it is. It's a parking lot. Why?

Because they're producing anything? Are they producing things you and I can use? Nah. You know what they're doing? It's a parking lot why because they're producing anything are they producing things you and i can use nah you know what they're doing it's a machine it is a group of people from all different kinds of industries that live there 24 7 and do whatever they can to influence their congressman in their state that's how it works baby and so so when you start talking about government understand i've said this before i always say it regardless of what side of the aisle you're on government has two functions to pass laws and to end to tax do you need laws and taxes absolutely the question is always in political

philosophy how much do you need okay and it seems to me that we're headed to a point where government's going to be 42 percent of gdp mean, government is taking over so much. So many people in this country are dependent on a government paycheck. That's not the American way. And I'll tell you something. It means you're a bureaucrat. It doesn't necessarily, some people are doing good things. They're doing good things. But for the most part, a country grows when it starts, when it produces things you and I need, whether it's intellectual ideas, physical products, and we export those things. And we need to stay the leader of innovation.

Innovation and ideas is what it is. But when you have Potomac being that rich because they basically rely on the US government, there's something fucking very wrong. Very creepy that it just keeps going on and it never even gets mentioned. Because it's very hard to stop. To me, it's one of the two great things about politics that have always fascinated me. That's one. And two is cigarettes. The fact that no one ever brings up cigarettes. There's

never a president that says we have to stop something that's killing literally almost a half a million Americans. You know what I love about that example you just used? In health and human resources, there's a building in Washington where you can go down one floor and it's health and human resources or the health department, the Department of Health. And the Department of Health has a huge campaign to get people to stop smoking. And it's a good, noble program. You go up three flights from there or whatever it is, but it's in the same building. And you have essentially the Department of Agriculture. You know what the Department of Agriculture does? It pays farmers to produce tobacco because it's in the same building. And you have essentially the Department of Agriculture. You know what the Department of Agriculture does? It pays farmers to produce tobacco because it's called a subsidy. Interesting, isn't it? So you got one floor that's paying farmers to grow tobacco

because they have a strong lobby. And then if you go down three floors, you've got the Department of Health, which is trying to get people to stop smoking. You find me one business in the world that behaves that way. But guess what? It's the US government, baby. And that's how we work. And that's where your taxes go. Your taxes go to stopping people from smoking with big, big programs.

And they go to getting farmers to grow more tobacco. Fuck. That's what it's called. So it's called fucking madness. It is madness. And that's why if you don't educate yourself on how the government works and what the history of expansive government is, you're going to pay a price for it out of your

pocketbook and with your freedom. And doesn't it seem like as the economy corrodes and they start trying to add more and more government jobs, people don't, they don't want to resist this because it does provide some sort of a tangible boost in the economy. They've created 2 million jobs, but you don't, they don't tell you that these 2 million jobs are all census people. Census takers. Yeah, useless jobs. Exactly.

Things that we don't need. Exactly. People, you know, it's just... Pay attention when you hear a politician talk. Pay attention to what they're really asking for. It's a very, very interesting thing. Because the... And all of us would be guilty of this with the nature of human beings if you

in my opinion you look at history is to is to try to control other people I try to do it I try to do it with people I love I try to I try to help them I try to I'm trying to control my tell them how to eat I tell my it's my nature I care about people so what am I gonna say I'm gonna try to get in there I'm gonna try to educate you according to my my. Well, that's just my nature. I'll never be any different. that if you're going to create alliances, they should be voluntary alliances, not government-mandated alliances, etc. And we're headed to a point

where people are trying to solve problems, and that means I'm going to pass a government mandate. I'm going to make you do this. Do you know how the tobacco lobby thing works? Do you know how they pay the farmers? The farmers get paid for their tobacco, plus they get paid to grow it. Is that how it goes? They get paid to, look, yes. Look. It's just to make sure that there's a... But that's like every farm.

Let me give you another example. Do you think we need as much corn as we do? You think we need all that corn syrup? Do you think, in fact, why don't we grow sugar anymore? Because the corn lobby, I think it's Archer Daniel Midlands, et cetera, have a very strong lobbying group. So they said, we want to grow corn. We have a lot of people that will be out of work if you don't subsidize our industry. You know how much money we give? We give alpaca farmers money every year. You ever worn anything with alpaca in it? What's alpaca?

Is that an animal? Yeah, it's an animal. And what happened was during the Korean War, we decided to make uniforms out's alpaca? Is that an animal? Yeah, it's an animal. And what happened was during the Korean war, uh, we decided to make uniforms out of alpaca, alpaca and alpaca blend because they would be warmer because Korea is very fucking cold. But guess what? Those farmers, they're still, they're still getting paid to grow alpacas to, to herd alpacas and you're, you pay for it. Now it might be 0.1 out of your paycheck but that's what goes on with the government that's what government that's what that's what farming subsidies are about that we pay people to produce butter we have a lot of food what was that what

was that huh you just you just went no i said yeah i'm just saying like every if you have a farm you get money is that every is it every crop they subsidize every crop the way they subsidize tobacco? I don't know all the details, but Fareed Zakaria wrote a really good book about all this stuff that everybody should read. You should read him. He's smart. What's it called? I believe it's called The History of Freedom. And I read some excerpts of it. It was unbelievable. There's no way to stop the lobby system at this point, though, is there? I mean, no one's going to accept.

Well, there is. There absolutely is. at this point, though, is there? I mean, no one's going to accept. Well, there is. There absolutely is. In fact, I would argue that there's a huge movement to bring government on both sides of the aisle, to bring government into a manageable, you know, to make it smaller.

I mean, every time you hear... Yeah, but that's like the Ron Paul dogma, but nobody sort of takes it seriously. Actually, every time you hear a politician now wants to get reelected, they all have to justify their spending. And let me tell you something. We are in are in dire i mean a lot of government programs are being cut now the whole tea party movement which is a formidable movement in some ways

uh and michelle bachman and these guys they their platform is basically like no matter what you say the the government's too big now they i have some issues with those guys but i'm just saying that at the end of the day they gained that much traction because they said, what the hell is going on here? Michelle Bachman is one of two things. Either she's the bringer of the apocalypse or she's someone hired by the Democrats to completely discredit the Republicans. Because she's at the helm right now. She's at the front of the movement. I did a little research on her.

How about her gay husband? I don't know anything about him. Gay as fuck. Really? Dave Foley turned me on to it. Oh, you've got to watch the guy talk. It's fantastic. She's been married 35 years to the guy. We've talked about him on the podcast. He's one of those guys that cures people being

gay. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's gay as fuck. You just hear him talk and you can't hold the gay back. See, I have a huge problem with that. You ever like call customer service somewhere and you know you're talking to a black guy? Yeah, that's how gay he is. You know? And I'm not saying that every black guy talks like that, but there are certain black guys that, man,

you call the guy up on the phone, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but you know you're talking to a black guy. This guy is one of those guys, you hear him talking, you go, that's a gay guy. There's no doubt about it. And he talks about barbarians and gay people being barbarians. Really?

And we need to tell them that this kind of behavior is just not acceptable. What an asshole. What an asshole. Sucking cock at prayer retreats and just can't wait self self-loathing he's got self-loathing and he's married i can't stand hypocrites i can't stand people like that she wants to get rid of all porn too which is hilarious because then the rapes would go through the fucking roof that's one thing they've realized

and one thing they actually believe could help child pornography could actually help child molesters not have sex with children. It's a terrible idea. I'd like to see that test studied on that. Scientifically, though, they're proposing that this actually could be a possibility. Because it's a terrible idea. But you obviously could never do it because those kids in those videos are victims. But regular pornography has been shown to curb rape. Regular pornography in other countries is accepted, in Japan especially,

that pornography and even violent things actually keep people from acting out. Well, there have been a lot of psychological studies about the fact that, you know, movies like Saw and stuff, there's less maniacs out there actually doing it because they can simulate, they can see it being done and get off on it.

Well, yeah, and I think they believe this about pornography as well. Makes sense. Pornography actually curbs rape. I hope so. It totally makes sense. I hope it does. Yeah.

I mean, look, there's got to be some reason for it. And that doesn't make sense. I mean, there doesn't have to be some reason for it. But I think the way the world moves... But I mean, you're trying to outlaw pornography. I want to make my own choices. I'm a fucking adult. Yeah.

You fucking... What are you... I mean, the Nazis were very good at totalitarianism at controlling the total person too that's that's tyranny it's a form of tyranny when people start talking that way well not only that it's only people you want to cure gay people like fucking worry about your own kitchen yeah asshole i never had a gay person come in and fuck up my whole you know what are they are they fucking up my my fam my family unit with their presence? Is that how weak my family unit bond is? Are they tempting me with their cocks?

Shut up. Yeah, they are actually. Sorry, I just popped out. I'm high. Yeah, dude, I'm with you. I'm with you on the whole rant. Just leave me alone. There's a bunch of people in this country, though,

that don't think that way. That's one of the things about this world is that there's people in this life that are at various stages of awakening. And i'm not claiming to be any enlightened being but there's people that have the benefit of having more free time more open-minded friends live in a better geographic environment where people think a little clearer i'm very open-minded there's a lot of people though in certain spots of this country alone and forget about the rest of the world but certain spots this country they were just in some fucked spot the spot they're at is just filled with dummies i just think i also think

that there's there's a lot of social pressure to stay stay the course you know i think it goes back to kind of keeping like the breeding instinct i was thinking about this i was trying to write stay the course you say you mean like as far as like christian values have you ever noticed how if a guy if a guy in a working class neighborhood of b Boston walks in with bangles and earrings and eyeshadow, he gets beaten up. Why? Why is that though? Why? I have a theory about it.

Because he's a queen. Yeah, but why? More monkey. Remember like Dov Davidoff used this thing when he was in Jersey and he'd go to school and his mom would pack pita bread. And he'd get the shit kicked out of him because he was eating pita bread. He's like, hey ma, give me white bread because I know pita's good for me. But it's not good for me when I get my fucking teeth knocked in for being a communist because I'm eating pita bread, right? like, hey ma, you know, give me white bread because I know pita's good for me but it's not good for me when I get my fucking teeth knocked in for being a communist

because I'm eating pita bread, right? It's hilarious. But why? And I have a theory on it. Men, if you look at like how men develop,

like men are really good in groups. They delineate authority very quickly. They work well. They're very organized. They like hierarchy. They don't talk a lot. If they have a job to do,

they get it done. Think about like, you know, when you're hunting, it goes back to hunting. When you got to hunt a deer, you got to, you got to, you got to, you're using hand signals. You're not talking, you'll scare the deer away. So you, you, you get into this whole, this whole sort of, you know, a very organized,

you become one unit, a machine. Women don't bond that way. They tend to talk and, and, and they, they bond verbally. Men actually don't. Men bond. If you take boys and you take a ball and throw it in the middle of bond verbally. Men actually don't. Men bond. If you take boys and you take a ball and throw it in the middle of a bunch of boys who don't know each other, they'll become friends around that ball because they start playing a game and they break up into teams and they compete but they have to rely on each other and they get very good and they do it right away.

It's how you get boys to be friends. Girls don't make friends that way. Girls have to make friends over a period of time through experience. They have to talk shit about some other girl. That's why when you adopt a child, if she's a girl and she's a little older, and you put her in a new school, she has a much harder time making friends than a boy does when he's just around fucking balls. Yeah, boys can make friends with boys quicker than probably girls can make friends with girls you think that i wouldn't think that though because girls are friendlier no but boys

try to beat your ass when you move into town yeah but but but i think the reason that the reason that somebody gets beaten up when they show up with all this decoration is because you can't go hunting with somebody with jewelry on it makes too much fucking noise if he's walking around with his bangles like clang clang and i fucking deer are gone if you're shiny and you got glitter on why don't guys wear glitter and shiny shit okay well what if he's just around with his bangles like clang clang, my fucking deer are gone. If you're shiny and you've got glitter on, why don't guys wear glitter and shiny shit? Okay, well, what if he's just got a tight shirt and a bow tie and skinny jeans? You're still going to want to beat him up. And that's pretty sleek for the woods.

I think that might also be this. That might also be you're trying to get the girls. You're not working with us. You're fucking showing off your tits and ass. And you didn't get permission from us, motherfucker. You can't walk in like the... You can't walk in like the King Peacock. Because then guys are going to be like,

that guy's a fucking peacock and I guess he thinks he's a tough guy because he's showing me his muscles, which is an affront to me. You're preening. But what if he's really skinny and he's got no muscles? If he can play the guitar, he's fine.

If a guy like you wears a tank top, of course it's imposing. Thank you. But if some guys wear tank tops, like a real skinny guy, guy like you wears a tank top of course it's imposing. Thank you. But you know some guys wear tank tops like a real skinny guy you know like Chris Rock wears a tank top you know it's not scary.

Well I don't think that's the guy that gets beaten up at a bar. I think the guy that wears a tank top and he's all rocked out and he walks in. There are a lot of guys

like do that with Mayhem when he's got a couple drinks. I'm sure Mayhem will be like hey this guy I'm going to start grabbing him. He would just hold on to you for 15 seconds until you're out of breath.

That's all it would take, especially for some juice head. You just got to hang on. It's a ride. You got a 15-second ride. And at the end of that ride, it's, and then he can't push you off. Remember my buddy Bob Williams at Austin? That strong man who's a fucking maniac? Yeah.

And he's so fucking strong. He's so weird strong. And he'd always go up To the guys in Colts And he'd be like What's up Needles How you doing Guy'd be like Excuse me

Ah Needles Needles Call him Needles God And he just wanted A little Just a little like Let me just squeeze you

Till you die Well he was a wrestler right Yeah since he was seven Yeah With chimpanzee I call him the human chimp He had one of the best lines ever Tell the story about

The guy who was fucking with him While he was surfing Yeah it's the best He's on a surf story about the guy who was fucking with him while he was surfing. Yeah, it's the best. He's on a surfboard, and his buddy's with him, and these fucking dudes come up, these local, these Malibu locals with, like, tattoos on their neck, rough guys, and they look at Bob, and they go, hey, bro, get the fuck off our wave right now.

And Bob goes, what? And he does this thing where you have to know him. He's got, like, kind of an eye loose. He's like, what? And he looks like JFK Jr. He's got, like, the eye loose. He's like, huh? And he looks like JFK Jr. He's got like the really thick hair in his eyes, like a real good looking guy.

And they go, get the fuck off our, get the fuck off our wave or we'll kick your fucking ass. And so Bob's like, you gotta know, he's like really loose. He never gets afraid of anything.

He goes like this. He goes, yeah, how long can you hold your breath? And the guy goes, what? And he goes, how long can you hold your breath?

Because I can hold my breath for over four minutes so i could jump off this board i grab you by the hair i bring you to the bottom we take a little nap and you just fucking die and then i come for you and they were like fuck this and he's got these huge hands and when he takes his shirt off you can't really do anything about that either like they couldn't help him oh dude they would have to pull the him off they would be underwater they would probably panic no you look into his eyes it's like they had a great white sighting out in malibu and he's like i'm going surfing they go dude they have the great white was is out there they had a seal in his mouth he's like shut the fuck up i'll punch a

great white in his fucking face he literally he's like they won't eat me I go what do you mean they won't eat me they smell it on me they're not gonna eat me get the fuck out of here

well that's a good way to lose your life I know he's a fucking maniac he's just been lucky when did they spot a great white in Malibu was that recently

oh yeah there was a great white 200 feet off the shore with a seal in its mouth holy shit and everybody's like holy shit and the fucking shark expert

was like hey guys they've always been out there. They're always swimming under you. That's their breeding ground. They eat seal. They're there all the fucking time. So all you guys who think there are no sharks in that water, there are great whites swimming under you all the time.

Oh, my God. But you're just not food to them. They'd rather eat a seal. Oh, you're so lucky. Fucking David Blaine. David Blaine came to my house, and he and I said, he wanted to cross the ocean in a bottle. Oh shit,

I hope, fuck, David, sorry if I, fuck. I don't think he'd do it. Anyway, he had to.

It's magic, man. He wanted to do this experiment. He's standing on ice forever. Literally, he wanted to do that. He wanted to go, so he's into these, and so he goes,

but I said, aren't you afraid of sharks? So they were talking about how whales, orcas, if you're in a glass boat, sometimes they'll crash through it and they don't know why. Whoa.

And a guy died that way. So he was like, yeah, that's a problem. And I said, aren't you afraid of fucking sharks, like great whites? And he goes, oh, you didn't see my video. I go, no. He goes, oh, dude, I'm not afraid of them at all. So I go, what? On his iPhone, he's got, he's in a, fuck, I don't know if I can say this though, because

it might be part of his. Too late. Say it. Fuck him. Fuck David Blaine. I wouldn't do it. Say it. No, because I don't know if I can say this, though, because it might be part of his... Too late. Say it. Fuck him. Fuck David Blaine. I wouldn't do it. Say it. No, because I don't want to screw up this special, but...

Well, listen, you don't want to screw up this Ustream show with 2,000 people watching. Yeah, yeah, you fuckers. 2,659. Fuck, I got to get permission from him. Anyway, the point is he's swimming with great whites, and all I can say, I don't want to ruin anything,

but he's basically without any protection at all slowing his heart rate down and just in the middle of the ocean with a weight belt on floating, no oxygen,

no nothing, holding his breath while huge great whites go by him and all he can see is shadows. What? Yeah, that's David Blaine.

That's not magical though. No, it's not. Not magical. He's a weird guy. Yeah, I've known Blaine. That's not magical though. No, it's not. Not magical. He's a weird guy. Yeah, I've known him since he was 17. I think he's very fascinating in that he's made this living doing these endurance things. You know why? He's always been, David, his mother was Jewish and so he was always obsessed with the Holocaust.

But also his mother died very, very painfully and slowly of cancer. And when I met him, she was going through this terrible time. And it was very hard for him. And he always, he became obsessed with suffering and with how to suffer with dignity, how to overcome. In my opinion, I'm speaking for him, but we've talked a little bit about it. But David's read so much about the Holocaust and so much about, you know, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and those kind of guys. He's obsessed with the notion of how one deals with all the suffering in the world. He's got a huge heart.

So his fascination has led him into dealing with adverse situations, like really bizarre situations, like standing in that ice cube. Yeah, you know, he broke the world record for holding his breath. That's true. He did a ted lecture on it he he goes you know he's trying to figure out a way to do the trick where he holds his breath and he goes the craziest thing is if i actually did it and he fucking did it he held his breath on on oprah for 17 minutes what 17 fucking minutes he's got a world record 17 minutes 17 minutes he really never even heard of that before he held his breath for seven he can slow his heart rate down he's amazing holy that dude that dude's no joke i can't believe you don't know him he's a very special guy i always that's incredible i always thought that he edited his magic shit

no like if you if you're angel let me tell you something he's right he's so far from chris angel yeah chris angel's like chris angel he's a big silly face david david's been offered more money than you can fucking imagine to do shit and he just won't do it. When he did that thing for Target, he was making no money for his magic tricks because he wouldn't let anybody sponsor him. And so when he did that thing for Target,

he said, I'll do this, but you guys have to, I'll do this magic if you want to sponsor me, but for getting money from me, you guys have to, I want you to do, you have to let really poor children have a total shopping spree in all your stores.

So he's like a really, he's really somebody children have a total shopping spree in all your stores. So he's really somebody who cares a lot. Why do so many people hate him? Because they don't know him. Is that what it is? Because he's a stud. David Blaine? I don't think people hate David Blaine.

I think people hate Chris Angel. No. I hate Chris Angel. People definitely hate Chris Angel as well. Because people don't like to be fooled. No, but there's no fooling them though because he's just doing these endurance stunts. He's a weird guy in that

he's known as David Blaine the magician, but everything he does is just like this weird physical feat. He's like a Houdini type character. He was like, when I knew him when he was 17, he was obsessed with Houdini. He just thought Houdini,

he's always been obsessed with him. Yeah, but it's kind of a shame that he's a magician. Because they are like world events when he does something nutty. I mean, it really is. Like it or not, they are world events. What did he do in London where he lived on a platform or some shit? What the fuck did he do? Yeah, in a box suspended in a bridge.

But he's always been obsessed with this notion that how can I deal with, if you shave my head and throw me in a corner with a bowl of gruel in a concentration camp, can I suffer with dignity? Would I be the best sufferer? How would I deal with that? What did he do to go to the bathroom when he was up in that box? I don't know. Well, first of all, he was drinking and eating very little,

but I think he had a thing that he would go to the bathroom in, I guess. I don't know. first of all He was drinking And eating very little But I think He had a thing That he would go to the bathroom I guess Like a bucket Yeah You have to do it When everybody's asleep Yeah I guess

You're only allowed to pee at night I guess so Although it was a clear plastic box And he was just sitting there There should be Some YouTube video Of him pooping Then

Right If I remember I think they did I think they put Like a towel around it When he had to go to the bathroom Oh right Right If I remember That's how they did it How they put like a towel around it when he had to go to the bathroom oh right right

if I remember that's how they did it how long was he in that box for I don't know like 18 days have you ever been to the magic castle never

I got a friend who I do jiu jitsu with too he's a magician really yeah yeah he's always inviting me but you gotta wear a jacket you do

I know I wear it it's cool I'm wearing a jacket I was like get out of here with your stupid fucking outfit I have to wear he seems so dorky why can't I just wear a nice shirt I want to go to... I heard it's cool. I'm wearing a jacket. Get out of here with your stupid fucking outfit

I have to wear. You seem so dorky. Why can't I just wear a nice shirt? I have to wear a jacket, really? I like the way you wear it for the UFC. You always just kind of put on a black shirt. Well, affliction pays me

to wear their shirts, so I wear a black affliction shirt every time. Is that an affliction right now? This one? Yeah. This is jujitsu, my friend. This is Elio Grace.

Elio Grace. Elio Grace. This is the godfather. I don't know, but... You don't know, brother? Yeah. Brian needs some jujitsu in my friend. This is Elio Grace. Elio Grace. Elio Grace. This is the godfather. I don't know. You don't know, brother. Yeah. Brian needs some jujitsu in your life, doesn't he? I really do.

There's a man who's screaming out for jujitsu. This Brian. You got to do a little rolling. You got to actually kind of build for it. You got some shoulders, aren't you? No. He doesn't want to do it. It's not that guy.

You're that guy, though, aren't you? Yeah. I miss wrestling. Why don't you go back in? I'm going to. You had a bad concussion, right? Tell tell that story that's a pretty crazy story i just had this war with this kid pascal and boom boom mancini was watching me and i wasn't going to give up and we wrestled at uh street sports and not the magno school which is a great school um he's a great guy and uh

we rolled and rolled and rolled it was probably 40 minutes and i just nobody won it was like to a draw the next day i felt like my hands like my hands, I felt like I was holding a hot snowball in my hands. And I couldn't see very well. It was all things where I just was, my perception was all messed up. And I went to the doctor and I did like a CAT scan and stuff. And the guy said,

you just got a concussion. But for about six months after that, I would have these weird sensations in my hands because I neurologically did something because I'd hit my head. It was such a fight. You don't want to lose and you go a little too crazy. Concussions are scary things, man. People take that shit real lightly.

I have friends, like I got a friend who got hit in the head by a golf ball. He said he was not the same person for six months. No. In college, I got kicked by four guys on the ground. And I remember just being truly cloudy for five days. It was just so cloudy. I just got my head kicked.

Have you ever had that done to you, man? It's really weird because it's exactly what your sock feels like in a dryer. I was just getting, I couldn't do anything. You know about Bill Romanowski, the football player?

Oh, I know all about him. You know that he had over 20 concussions, and he created a bunch of brain supplements. He's got this stuff called Neuro-1. I've taken it before. It's pretty fucking strong shit. It's really good for concentration and shit like that. It's basically caffeine and a bunch of different brain stimulants.

But, I mean, this guy has tried. Romanowski was a monster, man. brain stimulants, but this guy has tried very hard to try to balance out all the impacts that he's had. Very tough, though, that kind of trauma. 20 concussions, man. Well, because it creates pugilistic dementia. Those guys, their brains shrink. Yeah, it's amazing they're just realizing this over the last few decades, too.

Everybody knew that football players got beat up, but nobody ever kind of football is so beyond rough the injury rate is 100 it's not 95 it's 100 you play with pain in the nfl that's why people talk about this guy's really tough this they're great athletes play football go run a run run a fucking uh uh football back in the nfl good luck yeah those are the super athletes man those are the elite of the elite freaks what's really crazy is that i've read that something some ridiculous number like after two years of retirement 80 of nfl players file for bankruptcy and 60 of nba we talked about that last time how fucking and within five years of leaving the nba and the nfl 60 of football players file for bankruptcy because nobody's there to tell them hey dude you know football is different don't spend your money nobody's there to tell them

that and the fact that they've been compromised by all these impacts it's got to make them more impulsive affect their judgment affect how they behave i think you're already dealing with a high testosterone fun loving kind of rough forward tilted group and these guys these guys are the wolves they're the alpha dogs they come in and everybody else is a fucking hen with those guys there you ever see like a team of real football players coming you're like oh savages it's like being when i was in afghanistan and i just caught a group of guys who walk by me with beards and long hair and i was like uh who are those guys oh the really muscular the really muscular guys? The guys who are not saying anything with no badges? That's the dark side.

That's who that is. I was like, oh, those are the real elites. That's why I smell gunmetal and death on them. Were they like mercenaries? No, just Delta guys. Oh, right. Those real elite, like SEAL Team 6, you know, whoever they were, they weren't talking to me. Yeah, what a strange way to go and live your life,

to commit to being one of the most disciplined, hardened, well-trained, fighting, killing machines in the world. My buddy hangs with those guys in Afghanistan, and he works with them, and he said, I said, what delineates a Delta Force guy from, like, a regular, you know, like a SEAL Team or a regular guy? And he said, they're exact. And I was like, what team or regular guy and he said they're exact and i was like what do you mean he goes they're just exact they're uh they're amazing shots they're good at everything but they're just really good at everything like exactly well-rounded like there's

a place for everybody in this world and there's there's a place for someone to be a guy who makes pottery and there's a place for picasso and there's a place for fucking killers man that's right i mean there's as long as we're allowing war, as long as war seems to be legal, the president seemed to, I believe, celebrate that we had just murdered a bad guy. That's right. I mean, that's what the whole Osama Bin Laden thing is. I love that they came in, the guy shot him above the eye and then took a picture and sent it back to their computer, the facial recognition program.

Like, ready? Your girl's coming at me in the leg get out of the way like that in the head in case you got a suicide belt oh hold on let me take out my polaroid and let me just fax let me scan this and send it back to the white house here you go guys uh face let's take this picture let's run it through the uh facial recognition there yeah it's him it's him do you 100 believe the story though yes i do you know why there were 70 people involved i have to pee. 70? Yeah, 70 commandos and a dog.

We'll run back and talk about this. So good luck trying to cover that up. In the meantime, I'll talk about Jessica Lynch, where they tried to pretend there was a gun shootout, and she was actually just in the hospital. Go make your pee-pee, bro. We're going to talk about Pat Tillman, too. Conspiracies. Brian's not buying them.

Brian is my most Fox News-like friend. Did you see the new footage of, I think it was World Trade Center footage? Oh, yeah, I did see, from the one reporter's perspective. Yeah, that shows a completely different, I mean, that shit looked like it was just sitting there fucking melting.

What, the building? The building, the noises it was making. Yeah, yeah, yeah totally totally it did look i've always said that that tower seven looks ridiculous it looks like a um a controlled demolition but what the fuck do i know i'm not an engineer it might have looked like controlled demolition just because of the very bizarre way in which it was injured that it like was injured on the bottom floors and that's what gave in first and everything pancaked down it's very possible the fuck do i know but it does look like a control demolition but that video is it's what i thought was most fascinating was all the buildings or the cars

outside that had been blown up and on fire like i didn't realize that that had happened i kind of like thought that of course everything fell and collapsed but i thought there was probably like just this massive pile of debris i didn't realize that all these cars were like had been lit on fire jet fuel and everything just kind of fell down into the streets is that what it was yeah yeah that's what when the airplane hit it just fucking oh and fire and brian comes back he's got a crazy fucking story of his buddy that was a actual um a wall street guy he was a stockbroker. And he was there while it all happened. And he heard sounds that sounded like car accidents.

Just BAM! BAM! And then he realized. Tell that story about your friend who had heard those sounds. He was at September 11th. Heard those sounds that sounded like car accidents and then realized what they were. Yeah, well that's what there was this. In fact, there's a documentary that captured it, by the way.

But yeah, he just started hearing like these, like two cars ramming into each other 40 miles an hour, 50 miles an hour. And it was, it turned out it was the bodies hitting the pavement, hitting the ground. How many people do you think jumped? They don't really, they probably had that figure, but a lot. Because what happened was it got so hot and rather than burn you jumped

and some people held hands some people formed rings yeah I saw that I saw that holy shit what a way to go it's a way to go man it's a

it's quick it's a yeah I don't know you fall for a long time god damn that has to be horrifying yeah I'm afraid of heights

so I I perished that is saying you're afraid of heights, so I perished once and it sucked. Saying you're afraid of heights, that is beyond afraid of heights. Well, you know, it's like Jimmy Burke knows a certain somebody who was terrified of flying. She was seeing a therapist for it. And she finally worked up the courage to get on a plane and fly. And the plane broke in half in the middle of the air.

It broke in half on takeoff. So she fell backwards in a half a plane. And you're probably alive for a little while when your plane breaks in half. That's not fun. Wow. What if the secret is real and she manifested that, man? Hello. Or maybe she was a psychic and she predicted her own demise. Perhaps. What if the secret is real And she manifested that man Hello

Or maybe she was a psychic And she predicted her own demise Perhaps Maybe she knew Her timeline was troubled But it raises a question What's the way you'd want to die I'd want to die

With a mask on And an orgy I'm glad you brought that up Because It reminds me of a story I experienced. It's a story that Brian was telling me yesterday that was so good. I said, stop talking.

Yeah. Stop talking and tell me this tomorrow. Well, you know, look. You can't tell the names involved. I can't tell the names. There was a celebrity involved. A very significant celebrity. When we were growing up,

this celebrity was a big star. And I'll tell you, it's funny. Can you say whether or not they were a part of a... No, we cannot. We cannot say anything else. Kelly Savalas? No, no, no. But...

A handsome young man. Can you say whether he was a music star, a movie star? I'm not allowed to say anything, but he was a celebrity. He was a celebrity. Let's just put it that way. And the reason I don't want to say anything is because it was a private thing. I admire the guy, actually half for doing what he did but okay so tell us what happened well you know in life this is many many moons ago many moons ago

many many moons ago uh at least i think six years ago or something and um i was single um and i i there are things certain guys want to do you know you want to like I always say this you want to stop a crime you want to kill somebody with a sword you want to fucking you know and then you want to bang

six girls at the same time I mean that's that's one of my goals six well I'm driving how much penis do you have? I do well and I'll show you

I'll show you after the story but I'm I'm driving to Venice I get a call from a girl i used to bang who was a freak wonderful i mean a real vegas pro so uh she gives me a call and uh she goes what are you doing and i go i'm driving to venice she goes she goes get your ass up to this hotel and it was it was let's just call it the sheraton she goes get your ass up to this hotel. And it was, let's just call it the Sheraton.

She goes, get your ass to the Sheraton right now. We got six girls and only two cocks. We need you now. So I'm like, nah, I got an audition for Sidney Pollack the next day. Fuck Sidney. Which I did, right. Is that Jackson Pollack's brother? Yes, it is.

Yes, the painter. And I go, I got to go to fucking, I can't do this. I can't. right and i'm like i got jackson poggs brother yes it is yes the painter and i go i gotta go i gotta go to fuck and i can't do this yeah i can't you know i'm going on my way to to now all you the only thing you can do in that situation is just faint otherwise just faint faint because or or die there or pull over and sleep and wake up in the morning because any other movement is going to bring you toward six hot girls because i knew the the kind of girls she hung out with. I'm now I'm going, you mean there's a fucking, there's a fucking sweet.

Before you tell the story, before you even go any further, you decided to tell this story recently at the UCB. I told the story at the UCB podcast. And it was interesting because they're all a very nice group and very funny and talented group of people, but they are, um because they're all a very nice group and very funny and talented group of people. But they are they're not they probably not live the kind of sexual deviancy that I have gone through, you know. And so I just feel that they just seem like wholesome, good people, you know, that don't have just this deep, dark matter living inside there.

And so I got up and told this story that I'm about to tell you guys about essentially my experience in a fucking orgy. What made you want to tell this? I just was like, I fucking want to tell the truth about who I really am. I just felt like going up and going, hey, these are really cute stories, you guys. Now let me tell you what a fucking deviant I really am. But you didn't think they were cute stories? I mean, I didn't really listen. I didn't listen that hard.

But I know the people involved are funny. I mean, a lot of them. Like Moishe, the stand-up comic Moishe is funny as shit. He's funny. He's got a great sense of humor. And the other guys, I haven't seen a lot of their work. But usually he puts out some pretty badass comics. I mean, it's funny, funny fucking people.

Like Amy Poehler came out of there. And so they're telling their stories. And for whatever reason, you decide to take it down pervert lane. UCB puts out some pretty badass comics. I mean, it's funny, funny fucking people. Like Amy Poehler came out of there and great people. And so they're telling their stories and for whatever reason you decide to take it down pervert lane and tell a story that you never even told me. I've never told anybody because, you know, I mean, it's just like I was like, I want to tell something that's a little outrageous because I don't want any secrets in my fucking life. I just want to be fucking out there and I don't give a fuck. I don't care what really care what other people think. I care what my friends think, you know? And my friends all know exactly

who the fuck I am. All my friends know who I am. There's so much freedom in that. There's always freedom in that. I can't, I'm not good at keeping a facade up. So I tell this story. So I'm driving and I go,

I hang on my first 10 balls. I can't do it. I can't do it. Now I had listened. There was this thing where I, you might've told me, Joe, but we were talking about a woman who was dying of cancer.

And they said, if you could do it all over again, what would you do? And she said, I wouldn't do anything because it made sense. And I was thinking about that when I got this phone call.

I was thinking, you know, I want to do, you know, you got to live your life sometimes and you got to have experiences and you got to fucking do something that kind of shocks and astonishes yourself. And by the way,

you don't know a guy out there who wouldn't want to fuck six girls at the same time. So I hear that. But I'm driving and my first tempo, nah, I gotta go get it. I gotta study my audition. I got an audition tomorrow. But now I'm thinking,

holy fuck, these girls are there. You know what I'll do? I'm gonna drive. If I see a 7-Eleven, I'll stop and get condoms. It doesn't mean I'm going there. I'm not turning a car around, but I'm gonna stop and maybe if I get another call, I'll do? I'm going to drive. If I see a 7-Eleven, I'll stop and get condoms. It doesn't mean I'm going there. I'm not turning a crime on, but I'm going to stop. And maybe if I get another call, I'll get some.

Oh, look, a 7-Eleven. I'm going to pull off, but I'm definitely not going in the Sheraton. There's no way. I pull off and I go, oh, you guys don't have any condoms? Buy condoms. Phone rings again. Where the fuck are you? So while this is going on, you're basically like a junkie that someone's saying, come on, let's do some blow.

I'm not basically like a junkie. I am a junkie. All right. There's no difference. It is. But that feeling when you're about to do something really deviant is junkie, junkie. My heart, my heart's beating fast and I'm getting, and I can't get it out of my mind. I keep going back to it.

I keep trying to put it out of my mind and I'm losing, man. I'm losing the battle. I'm getting pulled under. They're adding more and more weight and i'm trying to keep up i got my i'm like i can't i can't go underwater i keep doing this i'm treading water but they're just adding weights to my legs with the imagery i'm thinking about these girls long story short i go fuck it i find myself at the sheraton i go up to the suite i get met at the door by my girl she's wearing a mask. She gives me a porcelain doll mask to put on.

So I go, oh. And then she gives me a strip of paper with the rules of the game, which is that this is a birthday girl. And I am fucking, the only rule is I can't hit or spit. I'm like, okay. I wasn't planning on hitting and spitting these girls. I'm fuck them whoa whoa whoa whoa is this stuff written down printed is it written typed typed very neat strip of paper wow so this is well organized so everyone has a sheet i walk in i walk in and i go and i see fucking four of the hottest girls i've ever seen One girl's getting banged on the bed by some muscular dude.

And then there's a dude who's kind of just standing off to the side, not doing anything, with like a shaved chest. And I'm like, I don't like that guy. He's weird. He fucking looks all bloated. He's just like been lifting a lot of weights and never did a sport in his life. I'm like, whatever, shaved chest, orange.

He was orange. Orange with a shaved chest and some weird mask. I was like, then I look at myself. Everyone's naked? Dude, yeah. And guess what? She goes goes you got to take your clothes off right now you got to get no no clothes so she starts peeling my pants off she gets on her knees and starts to work me and as i'm getting work by my my old girlfriend i got this porcelain doll mask on i look in the mirror and i look at my fucking doll mask and i go oh there's the first thought literally not that my dick is getting sucked i go that's weird my fucking doll mask is as white as my legs i gotta start tanning that's gross i'm like i'm fucking

gross and this one girl goes yeah you you with the white skin and that doll mask and a hard on that's not creepy i'm like oh yeah hey whatever so this this really hot girl who turns out to be the birthday girl, who happens to be the celebrity's wife, she gets down on her knees and I get pushed over to her. And now I'm getting worked by her. But the thing is, she's really fucking good at it. And I go, I'm going to go. I'm not a porn star. When a girl is hot as moan me with a mask on and I'm totally anonymous with a mask on my face, I'm fucking going to come.

And plus I got to come cause I got an audition tomorrow. So I want to get in and out. So I'm like, Oh, and I go, I'm going to fucking keep doing it. I'm going to come. And the guy goes,

and I hear you're going to come. And I look over and it's a guy. I'm like, I think I recognize that guy. I know I'm from somewhere, but whatever. He goes, hold on.

And a video camera comes out and it's right on the girl and i'm like oh really all right i guess this is what it's like to do porn oh my knees lock up and hold on which by the way i never locked in her mouth or face where in her mouth my friend yeah and the husband is filming this he films that and uh yeah and uh and then i hope i don't ever have to do a disney show because i'm fucked i'm fucked this is all fiction this is all fiction but this is this is part of the this is part of my fictional uh story that i'm doing for okay so it's a on stage one man show yes okay yeah so now now um now i uh by the way i'm speaking this actually happened to a friend and i'm speaking and yeah i speaking and I'm telling the story.

We've got enough disclaimers. Yeah, I'm just telling. We've got like three of them now. Yeah, this happened to my friend. Yeah, okay. And so now I go, oh shit, I just lost it. Good, I can get the fuck out of here because this is a freak show and I don't belong here. And I got an orange guy in the corner with half a heart on and another dude banging a girl on the bed and i got i got me i'm like i get it the fuck out of here but you know

what i had an experience i'm gonna go and i can go make my sydney pollack uh audition so i'm putting on my pants and i'm about to leave i'm sneaking out and all of a sudden this 10 with a mask comes up and she goes you're not gonna fuck me and i go uh oh i mean i i was gonna go i i have an idea and i almost said i just i didn't even want to know i was an actor i'm like she goes you're not gonna fuck me and she turns around and i go i mean i mean i don't want to be rude maybe i should fuck you so next thing i know my pants are coming off and you know that's it now now now i'm in the belly of the beast now and i'm just seeing fucking red and i'm just going fucking crazy. They're like, this guy's out.

I was appalling. I was appalling my energy level. Your noises, grunts? Well, I gave it up. At this point, I'm like, I'm fucking going. Now, are the other people grunting or is everyone kind of being silent? They were kind of done, bro. They were kind of done.

Oh, no. Everybody's gone and you're going in for a second? I'm going in for seconds. And everybody else quit? They kind of quit and the girls are just there. They're not athletic, bro. They're not athletic like you. And not to be a dick, but my dick was a little bigger than this guy's,

and they weren't doing so well. So I'm just fucking going crazy. I'm like, this is, look at this shit. Really? Oh, I'll go, oh yeah, I'll switch. Why not? Hey, free country, whatever. Fuck you, America.

And I'm going nuts. And now I fucking get to a point where I'm now, the girl who's the birthday girl goes, I want some of this. And she says, don't use them up to the girl that I'm going crazy on. She pushes me down on the bed and she gets on top of me. So as I'm being taken care of by this beautiful girl,

now I'm being worked on my back and trying, my heart is not to lose it because she's so beautiful. And so, all of a sudden,

at this point, the celebrity, who now, I now recognize because he's drunk and the mask is crooked on his face. So it's like,

I'm like, I see your face. All right, well, there you are. How you doing doing and he goes I want to get let me get let me get you

he wants to sandwich her he wants to go an inch south so he wants while she's on top of you he wants to stick it in her ass yes so she turns to him your balls are going to touch

there's no way around that game over the whole thing's a disaster right so she looks back and she goes she says to him she goes

something like you you know, she does this like silent kind of like language. Like, no, I don't want to do that right now. He's like, come on. And there's a debate going on. So finally she's like, oh, she hits back to me. And we, by the way, we're connected. We're connected.

We're making love at this point. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Your, your dicks in her vagina and his dicks in her butthole. Well, he tries, but he can't get it's in her vagina and his dick's in her butthole well he tries but he can't get it how many times did his dick touch yours i never never but if it did and if it did it doesn't matter because i wouldn't have felt it anyway i don't care i'm not squeamish

there i said it really i don't know i'm too into this girl i'm into this girl okay so he's got a fungus on his balls i don't know i wasn't wasn't even thinking, dude. I was just like, this is an experience. I'm already done. I'm already fucked. So he can't get in, and he goes, what the fuck? I can't get in.

And she turns around and goes, don't fucking blame me. I told you I didn't want to do it. And they start having a fight about not being able to get in her ass as I'm having sex with her. And they're having a fight, and I'm thinking to myself,

I look back and I'm like, this is the beginning of the end in this relationship. This is a weird thing to have a fight about. There's another issue like that, you know, you fucking, whatever, I get that, but they're swingers. So he can't get in. They have this fight.

And then he kind of storms off and she kind of goes back to me and we do our thing. And so now, I can't believe this is like the most popular podcast. There goes my reputation, by the way. And so now it comes time for me to, she wants me to finish off in a porn fashion, which would be, again, in her mouth. And so I go, okay.

And so now we're going to do the whole money shot thing and i just it's been a long time and i just lose it you know right away again and as i'm you know coming uh i i see mr celebrity come running around with the camera and he comes around he goes oh what the no no no no fuck honey why'd you let him come so fast? I wanted to film it. And she goes, what am I supposed to do? Stick my dick in his fucking, stick my finger in his dick?

Don't be an asshole. I don't have any control over it. And now they get an argument about that. And as their argument, I'm like, all right, thank you so much. I throw out my fucking pen and I run the fuck out of there.

And by the way, then they got divorced. Have you ever seen that guy since then? No, no. That would be the mindfuck. Am I allowed to guess? No, no And by the way, then they got divorced. Have you ever seen that guy since then? No, no. That would be the mindfuck. Am I allowed to guess? No, no, no. No, no, no.

Because I've got to save somebody. Anyway, I wasn't there. By the way, that story doesn't belong to me. That's a friend of mine's story. Ustream has apparently died. Have you noticed? Yeah. What happened?

Is it us? No, it's not us. It's Ustream. There's still 1,900 people tuned in. Yeah. Is it just Ustream crashed? Yeah. Sorry.

Well, we're still broadcasting. I guess you have to download it from iTunes. Oh, the end son, the end part, the best part. So you've never had a situation like this ever again? That's like one of those stories that you hear about. That's like a Hollywood story. I've had those experiences. Really? More than one?

Yeah. How many times have you been in the same room with another guy with a girl? How many times? I mean, I don't want to get too detailed, but when I was single in L.A. and with a house and no worries, and I was a young guy, I did that kind of stuff. All the time? I mean, I wasn't a swinger. I didn't go to orgies. I didn't organize anything, but I was pretty good at getting,

I think my friends would tell you, I was pretty good at getting a group of great open-minded girls together and hogging all that. It's a funny thing to talk about, though, isn't it? It's a funny thing to talk about because when you start saying, you know, I banged all these girls You open yourself up to people getting angry I don't care

I know you don't Because you didn't do anything wrong And I would do it again And I had a blast I had a fucking blast And it turned me on You want to turn me on? You throw a bunch of Six really cool girls in a room and they're all like,

we want to fuck you. That turns me on. Yeah, it turns me on. Gets me going. Sorry. I know it's a crime, but yeah, I'm down. Isn't it funny, though, that you think about this like the way people describe it? Like this is a fucked up thing to talk about.

You know, yeah, but that's what's interesting. Yeah, it's taboo because I was telling the story of UCB. It was actually kind of an experiment i was like i want to see what happens to this audience when i tell a real story about something that most people would never admit to because it makes you look to a lot of people bad it or it makes you look like a pervert but i don't believe in that shit i don't buy it and and um anybody knows me knows i'm just not hung up on that stuff i'm really not and not. And I wouldn't change that experience for the fucking world. What's that guy's name?

Vincent Gallo? Is that his name? Is he the one who did that movie Brown Bunny where Chloe... And she still has a career. Yeah. She blew him in the movie. Right. On camera.

It was a movie and in the scene she actually sucks his dick and he comes over. Do you know what I noticed about especially women when... What I noticed about... I told, when, what I noticed about, I told that story and there were a lot of women in the, in UCB. Women were really open. Women were really like, like I had a couple of women say,

hi, I found that story really honest and refreshing. And, and, and. How do you end it? What do you say? Well,

the theme was, was a slippery slope. And how you can, once you, like if somebody calls you about an orgy, if you don't turn around and drive home immediately and throw handcuffs on yourself, anything else is a slippery slope. You're going down that slope.

Right. If you're a guy like me. Right. So you got to fucking, you know, and that's, and, and, you know, that story about getting a call like that is what a lot of us deal with on a day-to-day basis with our addictions. Whether it's, I'm trying to stop smoking. I'm trying to stop drinking. I'm trying to stop smoking i'm trying to stop drinking i'm trying to stop fucking you know watching porn all day whatever it is people have these addictions i'm trying to stop meth i'm trying to stop heroin these it's the same

addiction man it's the same it's the same impulse and and so just to suggest that i don't have some of that in me and that i in the past haven't acted on that is dishonest. And by the way, it's suggesting I'm not human. Fuck you. If you've got a judgment on that, I thought it was awesome. And you know, that's how it is. What do you think makes that impulse? What is it? What evolutionary purpose is it? I know exactly what I think it is. I think that that kind of behavior ultimately does two things, or a couple things. Historically, it threatens, first of all, it's unsafe activity. You can actually catch a disease and you can spread it.

So there's that. I mean, I use condoms and stuff, but there's this notion that you, historically, if you had sex with a lot of people, you came down with shit like syphilis, and we have a historical memory of promiscuous behavior leads to really shitty diseases. That's the first thing. But I also think that a society has to have certain norms and certain rules because that was always the way you were able to be more efficient. I think when you had a credo that people bought into, it was easier to organize things. It was easier to create a cohesive culture, a cohesive belief system. And those are very human impulses and developments.

And so when you have somebody who decides, I'm going to follow my appetites, and I'm just going to fuck and be a real slut or a real dirtbag, whatever. These are the words people use. you know, a real dirtbag, whatever. These are the words people use. I think we all go, all of us rightly in some ways go, well, that's really indulging your appetites. And nobody can sustain that because actually what leads to that kind of behavior isn't necessarily anything positive. You're certainly not going to develop a skill.

Right. You know. It's generally considered unsavory. It's base behavior. It's giving in completely to the beast yeah and the only people that support it are freaks that's right other fellow freaks but we're all freaks yes if we weren't freaks then then youtube and i mean red tube and and and all these things important wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry but but you you you have to we have a culture that's obsessed

with purity i mean this anthony winer thing, it's obsessed with it. The guy had to resign for sending a picture of his thinly clad package to a co-ed. Wow. Yeah. Wow. It's very strange. But what do you think leads to, what purpose does that addiction have in human beings? Why do we have that?

Why does it exist? Why is there this weird thing that makes us fixate on things? I think I know that there's a book i read called the selfish gene um i know that that a scientist um i can't remember who wrote it but i know that a scientist would um would suggest that genetic variation has both ends of the spectrum so you have to sort of have um the need for sex is very strong in in human beings and i would imagine that you have to sort of have, the need for sex is very strong in human beings. And I would imagine that you have examples of people who have a very strong sex drive and they're on one side of the spectrum and other people that are asexual.

And it just probably, you can chalk it up to hormones or whatever it might be. But I don't even necessarily mean sexual. I just mean why, what is this proclivity for addiction that people have for compulsive behavior for, or impulsive behavior, rather? Or compulsive and impulsive. Maybe, first of all, they're trying to fill a void. They're trying to feel something. I think that comes down to the juice.

Do you think it's because we don't live hunter-gatherer lives, so we don't have these thrills of survival? I was going to say that I think when you have to track down a deer and kill it that requires extreme behavior in some ways i mean it requires adrenaline it requires endurance it requires a supreme aggression uh you when you kill an animal like you know we came up millennia killing animals with a spear or a bow and arrow you smell that blood you have to skin it you're involved in that animal's life and i i i would imagine that the activity of hunting on that level it takes is a huge rush it's why people get addicted to war so you think there's like some sort of a gap and then the the average person

working a nine to five existence with some sort of stayed behavior pattern that they have to follow throughout the day that these people have like a hole that needs to be filled. And then the porn comes in or drugs come in or gambling come in. Yeah. That's what it is. Because we have a lot of needs. And I think one is, and by the way, I'll tell you what need it probably fills. We have needs. We have a need for certain certainty. We have a need to feel like I know where my paycheck's coming. I got a roof of med. I think we have a need to connect with people, you know, but we also have a need, feel like I know where my paycheck's coming. I got a roof over my head. I think we have a need to connect with people, you know. But we also have a need, a lot of that behavior when you gamble. Look at it.

When you show up in a room and six girls you've never met are there to fuck you. You don't even know what they look like. And your heart's beating. You know what you're really responding to? Adventure. Uncertainty. The need to not know what's coming next. And human beings have a very deep need to put themselves into the unpredictable. Just as much as they have a need to be know what's coming next and human beings have a very deep need to to put themselves

into the unpredictable just as much as they have a need to be in the predictable but if you look at somebody who doesn't have anything that that unpredictable in their lives what happens they get fucking bored it's it's why when you make all the money in the world and you've done it all a lot of people get a sense of loss because there's no longer that feeling like Zoros. No mountains to climb. Yeah, well, Zoros, the guy who, the rich, the multimillionaire, the billionaire guy, he was a, I think, I believe he was a Jewish refugee and he was 15 or 13 years old in Hungary as a Jew

and he was hiding from the Nazis. I mean, he had to hide from the Nazis. And otherwise he was going to be killed. And he said that in many ways, those were the most exciting, as terrifying and as horrible times. They were also the times he felt the most alive because he didn't know if he was going to make it till tomorrow. And human beings, I think, have a very, very deep, deep need to be put in the unpredictable. And there's a way to do that that's positive. And there's a way to do that that's positive and there's a way to do that that's negative and as you get older like i am you start to realize that going to orgies

um uh uh on that kind of stuff gambling those are not at positive they're not necessarily positive things to do because you pay a price for them in some ways if you become a sex addict and you're you're chasing skirt all the time you're going to pay a price in connection and intimacy i believe yeah um um i've had to confront that in myself and i've had to deal with that on on a personal level and so you don't get away with anything in the world you you and and the best way to do it is not to be too strict with yourself to fucking be forgiving of yourself and others to realize that we are all hanging on by a thread in one way or another you know i've watched really good people try to quit smoking and they can't fucking do it and you can call you can tell them they have weak character but i don't choose to

believe that i believe that they're just fucking weak like all of us in one area weakness courage intelligence these are all compartmentalized skills Compartmentalized virtues Nobody is You know Very few people Are sober all the way through And if you are sober All the way through And you don't have any vices

You might be fucking Too boring for me To hang out with I want to know What Dr. Drew's vices are Because you know He's got them Well but you know

A lot of doctors though Doctors I've noticed Tend to be very sober individuals I agree but I wouldn't want to go On vacation with Dr. Drew How about that I would I would want to Get on vacation with Dr. Drew. How about that? I would.

Maybe. I don't know. I'd want to get him high with secondhand smoke, find out what's ticking in his brain. But when you see a guy who's constantly around people who are fucking up left and right, but yet he and his life is very together, very together family, very together. But then that's part of what makes him feel good. That's a positive addiction. I mean, Dr. Drew's always challenged with a new person he's going to try to help.

Dr. Drew spends his life solving problems, doesn't he? Yeah, not only does he do that, but he's always on the Loveline show as well. People don't realize he's still got that radio show. So every day, every day, there's people calling in. And by the way, he really does help people. I mean, he really does dole out needed advice. I don't think he's helping those celebrities. I mean, you can say they are, but those dudes need a paycheck.

I mean, I guess any possible treatment, and maybe the idea of shocking them, putting them into the public eye. Yeah, it's like intervention in the public. Yeah, maybe putting them in the public eye actually puts more pressure on them and actually makes it more real. I don't know.

I'm fascinated with this notion of what discipline really means and what self-restriction really comes down to. Yeah. And you know what? What impulsiveness is worth and how much is dynamic, crazy, unpredictable behavior worth in the dynamic of a machine? Because the human being, you look at a human being in the context of being a unit and there's qualities that I appreciate. And one of the qualities I like impulsive people. I like wildness. You know, all my friends are impulsive. All my friends are crazy. Me too. You know, it's more, it's more color. It's more fun to be around. Yeah. I mean, we've talked about Jimmy Burke. Joey Diaz is a perfect example. You're a perfect example, you know, to other people. I'm an example. It's like, we're all kind of the most fun people I

know are all pretty fucking crazy. Yeah. You know, I mean, you don't get interesting and funny without those weird sort of... I agree, and I like to hold on to a lot of my impulses. I like to hold on to a lot of my, whatever you would call the beast and the flesh. I mean, I do think that there's something beautiful about learning how to be in total control of yourself, of your appetites, and everything else. I think that is a virtue, and I think that's something people as adults, as you get older, should strive for. But I also think, I don't want to lose all my craziness.

Especially as an artist. No way. I need it. I draw from it. You need it to be for the wildest moments on stage. You're letting people know in those wildest moments, like, I've been to this crazy place. Yeah, man.

That's why I'm a stand-up comic. I get up on stage and try to make people laugh. It's look at me there's a hole i'm i'm trying to fill one way or another and i don't want to lose that hole i really don't yeah i mean you ever see a really good actor they're a bad they're basket cases they're fucking basket cases the key is to be that basket case but to be happy and as a comic there's a dance and it is possible it is possible to put your your balance in the correct way so that you still are energetic and enthusiastic and creative but yet

you still have that there's a part of your brain that will flip over to the dark side you just got to be able to control it well and you know but let me tell you something when you start talking in terms of I better learn how to control it you know that's not how people are that's not how people control

themselves the minute you start saying things like i can't do that i'm not going to do that like i was doing with that with that hotel room right i'm not going to go up there and fuck those six girls because it's it's wrong right that doesn't work for me that's not going to work for me well what does work you well i think you need a different kind you either need a different kind of philosophy but i think more importantly when it comes to dealing with an addiction i think you've got to substitute i think you've got to substitute. I think you've got to associate, you've got to figure out a way to associate that behavior with nothing positive and you've got to be able to associate a different kind of behavior with something that's more pleasurable. Because

any time you do that. And any addict counseling, right? They try to get you to replace your addiction with, you know, start gardening, get obsessed with something. It's got to be something fun. It's like when I tell people, I notice people who don't work out. Okay. And I noticed that they, they just can't work out and what they, what they get tired. The minute you start talking about, you've got to start eating better. Yeah. Because you go, you got to start eating better and you got to start working out. What they think is I go, my God, that means I'm going to have to sweat in a gym and I got to eat. No. Well, all I want to do is show you very gently and slowly how much better you feel when you are in shape versus when you're not. And once you feel the difference, you will slowly start to

go to that. And when you go back to your old habits, you'll go, damn, I don't feel as good as I did. I got to do something here. And you'll try to get out of that state. It's the only way I think people really change. I really believe that. I don't think you change with a gun to your head. I think real change happens when you see and understand the difference. And that can be taken to, I think, movements like Al-Qaeda's movement, this Muslim fundamentalism. When you show, they have a really interesting program in Yemen where they take these young, idealistic Al-Qaeda guys and they get these Muslim scholars in a room, these like really kind of like smart guys who've been around, older guys,

and they debate them. They challenge them to a debate and they go, what are your ideas on Islam? You're on Islamic fundamentalism. You love the Quran. Let's have a talk. Since I'm an imam, I've been doing this for 50 years. What are your ideas? And they just dismantle their ideas mentally And a lot of these guys just go I didn't know any of that I've been fed this kind of thing And they're like well this is how it is And let me show you the examples in the Quran

All of a sudden they go And their minds change And if you want to change So what you're saying is You need to go to the Muslim religion And then you'll stop beating off And fucking whores in a hotel Well religion

Whether it's Christianity, Muslim, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, can serve that function and has for many addicts and is a real place for people to kind of live. That's what the 12-step program,

one of the reasons why it works is that you submit to a higher power. Exactly. It sounds ridiculous, but as a tool, as a mental tool, using it as an operating system that you're going to operate

your mind under the confines of this Christianity 5.0 system. The biggest problem we have in some ways, and the worst thing an artist can do for themselves is to say, all my genius comes right out of me. It takes

a lot of pressure off you as a creative person or a person in general to say, you know what? I'm not perfect. I'm going to let something else guide perfect i'm i'm gonna let something else guide me i'm gonna let something up so if you're an artist you say i'm like flannery o'connor that wonderful thing she goes i don't sit at my typewriter to write at all i just sit at my typewriter and i sit there in case something happens and if something starts working its way through me i'll start typing right but the cynical pressure off you cynical people will look

at like pressfield's book like the the war of art and they'll go, well, this is poppycock. That's fine. This is nonsense. That's fine. They can do that. But it's effective. It is effective. That's what people don't understand.

It may be incorrect. It may be all within the confines of your mind. But if you operate on the principle that you are enacting the muse, that you are contacting the muse, then it really does work. Can a cynic explain to me why when I hear a piece of music, I start crying because it's so beautiful? Can you explain mathematically how that goes? I'm not interested. All I know is I start crying because it's beautiful. Yeah, there's a lot of things that cannot be explained logically.

And you know what it does? It inspires me. I hear like a beautiful piece of music. You know why I got into stand-up? I remember when I got into stand-up after I heard your album and that Voodoo Panini song and all that stuff. Seriously, and I went home that day. day see you don't know this i never told you this i'm glad i'm talking about this because i i listened to your album and i had to leave early i got out of there and you couldn't understand you got mad at me you called me up and

you go you just left without saying bye you just took off you know why i took off i couldn't handle being around you because i was so not only inspired, but I went, my friend's doing something really special here. And I have, I know I have something in me and I'm not living up to it. And being around him is reminding me of, of the fact that I'm not living my fucking life. And I remember you called me and you were mad and I made up some excuse. Like I was like, I started telling you like some excuse. And then I went, dude, I gotta be honest with you. You fucked me up a little bit. I said that song and that your jokes were so awe-inspiring to me and i went home and i started writing and so that's what happened to me that was a huge catalyst for me i went home

and started writing because after i heard that song and after i heard those fucking jokes you would come to those god damn your this was i don't know how many years ago 99 they were so fucking well formed you were such a tidal wave it was like an example for the first time where i went i saw an artist just peak come together and just put out the power you're putting out was so retarded that it was changing it was changing the whole fucking room people were like what the fuck this guy's writing songs he's doing and i remember going i gotta taste some of that i gotta have some of that i gotta get the fuck out of here i get that still that's what you he's doing and I remember going I gotta taste some of that I gotta have some of that

I gotta get the fuck out of here I get that still that's what you need man yeah and if you don't have that in your life you gotta find it yep

either surround yourself with friends who do it go to ted.com do whatever you have to do man find it yep it's out there and the beautiful thing

about technology and this is for young people is that you can spend your time listening to music and reading about what Lady Gaga wore to the gym, or you can fucking open your mind to a whole world out there that is going to bite you in the ass if you're not ready for it anyway.

So start opening your mind and start reading. And it's important to not give in to jealousy. When you see someone doing something that you're not doing and you feel like, fuck, I'm not doing it, there's an instinct to protect yourself by bullshitting yourself and becoming jealous and bitter and talking shit about that person. And that's where haters come from. What haters are, 100% of all haters in the world are unrealized potential. It's 100%. Exactly. I'm not a hater. I'm a pretty nice going, easy

going guy. It's because I'm successful. successful but when like Michael Jordan's not a hater You know I'm saying I mean, you know what I mean? I mean like when you get to a guy at that level there They're not haters that the real haters are on no time They see someone doing well and it bothers them to a person like a Michael Jordan or a winner They see someone doing well and it inspires them to get up another night I've always I've always always tried to Look at things like that.

When you see something great and it's a friend of yours, there's like, you, you have to use it as inspiration. It's supposed to inspire you. And, and haters and, and that notion is, is, is what that is, is it's a skewed perspective. I think what happens is a lot of times they say, well, you know what? Uh, there is scarcity in the world. So there's only a certain size of the pie. And if you're doing this, you've taken up all the pie and there's no room for me. Not true, man. Not at all.

There is no scarcity. It's a terrible way of thinking too. If you open yourself up to something beautiful and great and let that work through you and really be affected, be astonished by it, be scared by it,

be brought to your knees by it, be, be, be, be brought to your knees by it, whatever it takes. You will, you will find way more strength in that surrender to, to the beautiful than you will when you close yourself off. And all of us, man, all of us had this notion to go, I'm closing myself off. Fuck this. Everybody wants to win the lottery, but the lottery will fucking ruin you you have to earn the whole thing in order to be a real man or a real woman you have to earn the whole thing and the crazy thing is to be the man to get to that point to be the man you literally have to not ever be possibly the man because you have to get to this zen state where there is no

the man it's all about the work it's all about what what genius you're putting out is all about whatever it whether it's music or whether it's writing or whatever the fuck it is it's all about finding that real pure place so there is never the man that's when the muse kicks in the idea of this this all comes from somewhere else it's like maybe it is just an attitude that allows you to bypass the ego. Maybe that's what the muse is. It's just a scientific or a method of thinking that allows you to bypass the ego. But it's effective, whatever it is.

It's very effective. And I think also... So you're never the man. You never feel like the man, right? Well, you're bringing me to the notion of celebrity, for example. That's a really good point because celebrity actually doesn't exist. You've had celebrity for a long time, but just bringing me to like the notion of celebrity, for example. That's a really good point because celebrity actually doesn't exist.

Like you've had celebrity for a long time, but like just with me now, things are starting to – I go to places and people recognize you and they want to take pictures or whatever. And you think to yourself, well, I'm doing this TV show and I'm doing – and I guess in some ways I'm making lots of money and I've kind of arrived a little bit. I mean, I'm kind of like, you know, I'm a working actor and there is zero difference actually in what it takes for me to keep myself inspired. And if anything, that's nice. It's a nice thing, but it certainly plays no real part in my overall fulfillment, which is really interesting, you know? And you know this really well. I mean, you know, I've been with you in Vegas. I remember with the height of fear factor when, I mean, you had to literally go to the corner and rub your eyes because they were, they, everybody was taking, they just, everybody wanted a picture. I really want to touch you. Everybody wanted to be around you. That doesn't, that becomes, I guess, in a lot of ways, um, the exact opposite of what you're

going for. It's a privilege. It's nice, but it's actually a distraction. It's the exact opposite of what you're going for. It's a privilege. It's nice. But it's actually a distraction. It's actually not. It doesn't. It actually doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. But it does. It does. I just mean it does.

It's something you have to deal with. It exists. But it is weird. What I mean is that what you think celebrity is going to be and then what it actually ends up being. Two totally different things. Yeah, that's all. And it is. There is a dance that you have to do in order to not get sucked into the wave not get sucked into the gravity of the situation don't believe it or

buy into it yeah you know yeah some people never do brian you've inspired people this is a good podcast and you know i've talked to so many people and i talked to a lot of them this weekend we did uh the irvine improv and it was a lot of fun and And we talked to a lot of people that are podcast fans. And one of the things, the number one thing that keeps coming up is these people say that, first of all, a lot of people listen to it at work. They listen to it when they're doing stupid shit that they don't like doing. And they just love the fact that there's something like this out there.

And two, they say it gives them an opportunity to look at things completely different. It's shaping the way people think, man. There's a difference between what we're doing here than sort of the average radio show and the average podcast. We're not afraid to talk about weird, deep shit and go. And because of that, it's allowing other people to consider possibilities and ways of thinking that I don't think they would have. Well, it's a privilege.

It's a privilege for me too, man. It's great to be on the podcast. And I have people come up to me all the time now. It's amazing how many people are listening to this thing. It's crazy. By the way, I'll be at the San Francisco Punchline. Have you done that? Punchline's great.

I'll be there August 10th to the 13th. That's my birthday, the 11th. It is? Yeah, I'm going to call you up. I've never done that club, but I can't wait to go to San Francisco. It's amazing. It's a great, great club club it's one of the best clubs it's perfect height

it's one of those places it's got the low ceilings it's tight I think it seats probably 250, 300 wow it's perfect

I can't wait a dude I was just in San Francisco recently a guy gave me Bill Hicks last live performance at the Punchline the last time he was there

he gave it to me on DVD that's what's so amazing about being a comic is you get to you're performing with such history in rooms like that oh yeah He gave me Bill Hicks' last live performance at the Punchline. The last time he was there, he gave it to me on DVD. That's what's so amazing about being a comic, is you're performing with such history in rooms like that. Oh, yeah. One of those, the Punchline, that's one of those. I'm doing the Ice House, not this weekend coming up, but next weekend, which is the 22nd and 23rd,

the Ice House in Pasadena. And that's a small place. It's going to sell out quick. But that place is the same place it's been for like 30 plus years, man. And there's photos on the wall of people from the old days. I think it's one of the oldest comedy clubs in the country. Yes. Yeah, it is.

It is. I got to start doing the Ice House. Come on down. Do you want to do this weekend? Do you want to do next weekend? Come down and do a guest set. I'll definitely do a guest set. 22nd and 23rd. Come on down, bitch.

I'm down. All right. Beautiful. Look, I love you, man. You're the best. Brian Callen, B-R-Y-A-N-C-A-L-L-E-N on Twitter and BrianCallen.com. And you already know he's going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco

the 10th through the 13th, which is a fucking awesome club if you're in San Francisco. If you think Brian's funny and deep on the podcast, you've got to see his stand-up. Your stand-up has come. I mean, I remember when you were doing that alternative bullshit, just standing up there with your hands in your pockets, and you're fucking crushing

it now, man. It's awesome. It's awesome to see. Thank you. And that's it, you dirty bitches. That's the end of the podcast for this week. I've got some shit to do, and I'm not going to be around all week. So, very busy. I'm moving and shaking. I'm in a movie now

And I dance Yeah I'm doing four tomorrow So if anyone wants their fix I'll be doing four live ones Who are you doing them with? Start off with Naughty Show with Sam Tripoli

Then Bobby Lee and Ari Shafir At two o'clock Oh that's going to be a good one Two o'clock's going to be a good one Four o'clock Tom Segura Oh that's another good one And Christina Baszynski And then six o'clock

Teeb and the Hebe And then Okay well Try to keep it together For all those times And don't make a sad face and Christina Baszynski and then 6 o'clock Teab and the Hebe and then okay well try to keep it together for all those times and don't make a sad face like I'm so tired

I did all these podcasts if you're gonna commit to doing that many podcasts you better take some five hour energy drinks damn right baby dirty bitch we've been to Montana

have you been there before by the way? never been to Montana I have I have last frontier basically pretty wild

alright you dirty freaks. We love you. We are you. You are us. We are Legion. And we love the flashlight. And we do not forget. Big kisses.

Go to fleshlight.com excuse me go to joerogan.net There's a guy who owns joerogan.com he wants a lot of money. That's his story. And I'm not willing

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It has a very tangible effect on your thinking, very tangible effect on your memory, and your energy, your overall energy during the day. I find myself, I take a lot of them when I go on the road, and I don't get tired. I'm not as tired as I normally am from traveling.

They're fucking amazing. I don't know what's going on. It might be giving me brain cancer. Cancer? Cancer? Listen, this fucking show was over about three minutes ago, but I kept going. So, goodnight, and Godspeed! I'm out.