The Joe Rogan Experience - #1219 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

Bill Burr is a standup comedian and also hosts his own podcast called “The Monday Morning Podcast” available on Spotify. Season 3 of his show “F Is For Family” is available now on Netflix.

do do do do do do do and four three two yes spielberg how are you fella what's going on see ya good to see you too thank you very much for taking me up on that flight i'm gonna tell you what no legitimately you changed the way i think about la it's really small isn't it it's way smaller than you think yeah it's a different thing different thing. When you fly over it, you go, oh, this ain't that big. Yeah, that's there. This is there. Because what it is, I remember when I was still getting my license and I was doing a night flight, right?

Which is insane. Totally different ballgame. Oh, I imagine. And yeah, because when you're on the ground, you're like, wow, it'd be really easy to see everybody because you're looking up and all you're seeing is the backdrop of the dark sky, right? Right. But when you get up there, if someone someone's below you they disappear into the city

so that's what yeah yeah yeah yeah so anyway so we were flying back and i trained down in long beach so we were going along the 710 and i just see like all these these lights and it was like right there i'm like going up like was and i go what's that he goes and the guy the pilot looked over he goes oh that's the uh that's the fireworks from disneyland and i was like fucking disneyland is right there because in my head it took like two hours to get there hour and a half yeah going down the five but it's just like because you don't look at miles all you do is look at time when you're out here because there's so much traffic but it's literally like oh oh, that's like... 40 miles. It's not even.

It's like from Hollywood, I would think it can't even be more than 15, 20 miles away. Like Anaheim is so fucking close, but it's just Irvine Comedy Club. That's all I think of. It's just fucking way the fuck down there. And then you get up in a helicopter and you're like there in like 11 minutes

going like, this is ridiculous. So yeah yeah it was awesome dude it was awesome yeah it was over malibu when you landed on the top of that little hill there with the picnic table yeah dude that was funny i set it down nice i was a little nervous i'm like all right don't don't fuck this up with joe here because he's gonna be like bro you know He was all right when he was flying. The big part, when he went to land, he wasn't that good. It was smooth. And then the Apocalypse Now shit, we're going through the canyons. That was awesome, man.

Yeah. I get it. Those are fun. It's a lot of fun. And, you know, I fly mostly with an instructor because I got the kid and everything. But every once in a while, you got to go out by yourself just so you know you can do it. But I also – I'm actually overdue to do it. But I always go out and I do like the auto rotations. And he'll just sort of – I'm flying along.

He'll just chop throttle. It's just rolling the RPMs. I mean rolling the engine down, not the RPMs. The engine down. And then you immediately have to pick a spot. And sometimes the lower you are, it becomes literally what you – the first place you look is where you're putting it. It's really crazy, but where you would put it.

Explain to people what you're talking about. You mean crash landing. That's what auto rotation means. It would be basically if you had some sort of – Failure. Problem, yeah, engine failure or whatever. So like when you're flying along and the engine is working, it's drawing air into the disc, and that's what creates lift.

But when you go into an auto rotation, it's the air rushing. You're using gravity, bringing the helicopter down, using that air almost like a fan to keep it going. And there's a critical point where if you let the main rotor go too slow, that's why the low RPM horn comes on, which is just a nauseating sound. If you let it go too low, it gets to a point where if it's spinning too slowly, no matter how fast you drop, you can't get it going again. Fast enough to create, and you're basically at that point, you're in something that's no longer able to fly. Your instructor, Skyler, is that what his name is? Yeah. Skyler pointed out something that I didn't know,

that they have to redo those things like every X amount of miles. They rebuild everything. Hours, yeah. Yeah. Well, they have like, there's all this maintenance along the way. They're incredibly maintained

because I'm sure you noticed if you read the comments, all people talk about is dying in aviation. It's like, oh, that's how entertainers die. It's like die it's like no it isn't they overdose if you really looked at the graph they're on the ground completely safe overdose car accidents it's almost always overdose drinking yeah and shit like that and it's just like that's mainly how you die like the amount of people that are up there every day and there nothing happens it's it's you know but there is that you know the the fly in the ointment is that there's there are particularly at the private level there are knuckleheads out there like there's people like

i think every time i get in i'm always thinking like am i gonna you know i don't want to die today so i i i go over all of a whole bunch of shit. And, you know, especially if I'm going to fly solo, I have the whole flight, I have all my options on, you know, where I could land, you know, if I had a problem, like, that's what you're supposed to do. I look at weather reports, I do all of that shit. And what happens is guys get more and more confident and their pre flight is they kind of look, oh, it looks pretty clear. And then they go out there and, you know, there's people who go up knowing that they can die

and then there's other people up there who just like Magnum PI and they want to fly by waterfalls and shit. I mean, those guys have more fun, but it's, you know, there's definitely, those are the people that, you know, you're supposed to fly, there's the people that you know you're supposed to fly there's like two envelopes you're supposed to fly within the envelope of what you're flying and then you know your skill set so you don't fly into shit this is like you know like if the if it's

too windy or whatever i'm just like i'm just not going right even if i could handle it it's like i'm not gonna have fun up there fucking you know riding it out and just you know let the wind do what it wants to do and don't fight it and you know make sure you know you're not flying too fast all you do is slow down you know um but you know it's it's there there are elements of that but like if you look up there versus what's going on down below when you fly i always say this when you drive on the highway it's like you're flying in formation you're in the blue angels yeah with the with nobody talking to anybody. You have no idea what anybody's going to do.

People are texting. They're on medication. They're fucking hungover. They're suicidal. You know what the fuck they're doing, you know? And then on top of that, you've got to look out for the guy splitting lanes on the motorcycles and shit. It's pretty amazing how few accidents there actually are. It is.

And when I fly the Robinsons, they get a bad rap saying they're not safe because they look at the amount of crashes that they've had but it's it's because it's a helicopter you can afford so it's inherently a low hour pilot and if you look at it it's most of the time it's not it's not the the helicopter it's the it's the person flying it um which is why you really have to be on it like you you you can't um it's it's just not something uh um i don't know how to explain it it's this weird thing where your your level of enjoyment is way higher if you're if you're riding in it you know what i mean if you're the person flying the whole time you have your life and other people's lives at hand so that you're not really oh look at that oh look at that look at that like i'm also like you know thinking things of like

you know when we were flying through that canyon you know you're thinking that shit i'm looking you know knowing where the wires are and where the road is and because that's all fucking tree so it's going to be the road so there's those you know when you're kind of going around a bend you know there's certain like altitudes and stuff just it's it's boring but it's just stuff that you're always thinking that um you know i imagine like when you fight there's that you know i know a lot of it's like instinct and stuff but there's these things that you just don't do you know what i mean i don't know anything about fighting i was heard in boxing you don't lead with an uppercut it's just it's just fucking things you don't you see a lot of guys like when they go to take off they do this fucking thing like the nose down attitude

like i was taught not to do that because why do they do that because it looks cool i don't know why they do it i mean you're supposed to like i was taught you're supposed to keep it level so that way if you have a problem you know you you're already in the right attitude to just immediately enter an auto. Like now if I'm fucking nose down and if I'm too far to the ground, I'm just going to fucking go right into the ground. I don't know. But I mean, I'm still like totally a novice.

I'm coming up on 200 hours. So I don't know a lot, but I'm super, super, super, super fucking cautious. And I make sure I don't go too long without doing auto rotations. I used to hate them, and now I actually really like them. It was sort of the way it was explained to me. I didn't get it until one day I just thought about it, and then I got it, and I was able to lock into it. Because it's the same inputs if you were going in for a landing, but they broke it down to like four steps. Like it was low RPM, lower collective collective gentle half cyclic you know uh look at your trim strings you know air was a trim trim airspeed rpms and just fucking doing all of

this and the reality is it's just like it's the on right pedal jesus christ i forgot that right pedal so it's all the same it's all the same input if you were going in for a landing. So all I do anytime I hear the low RPM is I just do that, and then I'm locked into it, and then I can just watch my RPMs. And at this point, I've flown enough where I kind of know where I'm in trim, which basically means you're not, like, grabbing in. You're kind of going straight. And then you can kind of, like, pick out your spot. And then it becomes fun.

What's cool is you can do, like, 180 autos. You can turn around. And what I do like about it is when you come down to the cool is you can do like 180 autos you can turn around and what i do like about it is when you come down to the ground is you can bleed off all of your airspeed that forward motion that's gonna fucking kill you and as long as you don't fuck up and flare and go back up and then drop like a you know you know it's kind of like a hockey stop is the way it was described to me just level it out and right as you go to drop you pull like that and these guys land them like daisies and stuff. It's really amazing.

I'm not as good as that. But I will do it where, you know, worst case scenario, you know, I might be like, ah, fuck. Get a little bit of a bump. Yeah, but I'm going to be all right. So, yeah, I don't know. Now there's probably a bunch of people saying I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, which admittedly, you know, I still think there's a lot of shit I need to learn about stand-up. So as long as you go into things like that, you know. Well, the fact that you're doing it and the fact that you're learning a new thing that's really difficult to learn,

don't you think that that's good for your brain? No, I am a big believer in constantly learning. It's why I like you as a person because you're constantly like you're not the Joe I knew three years ago in a good way. You're like you learn all of this. You know, when I first met you, you weren't hunting. You weren't a martial. That was the thing. You were two-dimensional, which was amazing because everyone was just a comedian.

You were this taekwondo champion stand-up guy. stand-up guy. And then since then, you've added all, like the guests that you have on and the fact that you're able to like talk to them and stuff is because you've continued to, you know,

it's the same thing with like a comic who writes his first hour and then just sits on it for like eight years. Yeah. And all of a sudden, two presidents goes by

and it's like, why aren't they laughing anymore? It's like, because you're just stuck in time. So, yeah, I believe in that and I also believe in playing cards, card games and stuff is good for your mind. Oh, yeah, any games.

They say even video games. You know, people like to shit on video games, but they say video games have a positive cognitive effect on kids. Yeah, that's- Because you're calculating and moving, you're thinking fast. Yeah, their hand-eye coordination is like insane, I guess, some of those games. If you play them, I guess, I don't know't know well you think about the amount of hours they're putting

into their thumbs just how often do you really use your thumb in like detailed ways very rarely but kids today they have ridiculous thumb dexterity i i tapped out uh grand theft auto 3 is when i stopped which is about 2003 2002 or something i just they were just too amazing and i was just like i am nowhere in my career right now and this is just dude i was walking around i was living in new york at the time and i would stop playing the game and i would be walking down the street thinking about it like what i could walk into the subway you know like not thinking about jokes thinking how I could beat this next level. And I remember I played this Medal of Honor game.

And they had this thing when you hit the sniper button, like the scope would go like that and X would go like that. And I played it one day, one week, so much that when I walked out on the street, I was looking at people across the street doing like that, that X that was going on their face. I was just like, there's something about, like, I already, I'm i'm not the brightest guy you know when it comes to like school and shit so it's just like i was like this is doing something to my brain so i kind of i remember came home and i just unplugged everything but really quickly took everything off because i knew i was never going to figure it out

and i didn't have the instructions anymore i just stuck it in the back of the closet like well that's it i did the same thing with uh video games with quake i i had a real problem when i was playing eight hours a day ten hours a day sometimes i had a t1 line installed in my house just so i could play with a fast internet connection this is like 1998 yeah it was crazy i mean there was slow internet where i was so i said well what's the options and so one option is they chew up the street and put this fucking crazy fat business line cost me a shitload of money and i was like let's do it so i installed a fucking business line that would use at the time

you'd use for a large building right and i had it just for my my house and i would play video games online all the time and you could play online against people for the last 20 years? Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. We'd play online teams. We'd have teams of guys like me and three of my friends would play against four other guys, and we'd meet at a certain server, and you could chat and talk to each other. All right, you ready to go?

All right, let's go. Three, two, one, go. And then the game will start, and then we'd fucking have these matches. And it was fun, man. It was really fun. It was really exciting, too, because it's all happening in real time. Yeah. But I reached a point somewhere around the year 2000 where I know one day I played until it was sunlight, until the sun came up.

And I'm fucking 30 years old. Yeah. And I'm sitting there, my hands are sweating. I'm all fucking caffeinated up. I've been drinking Mountain Dew for the past eight hours. And I realize, I'm like, what am I doing? Yeah. This is, you know, I'm not where I want to be as a comic.

I'm not where I want to be with my life. And I'm just sitting here playing video games all the time and there's no future in this. No. I've been stuck in things where there's no future before. I know what that is. I felt like that with fighting. When I was 21, there was a point in time where I was like,

there's no future in this. I'm just going to keep getting hit in the head and I'm going to get dumber and more brain damage and more crazy. I'm like, this is dangerous. And I realized, I've got to stop. I've got to stop. There's no future in this There was no money

In fighting back then either And then I got there with pool Same thing with pool Like my manager called me up And he said I think You play pool too much He's like

I think He's like He's like I think that you Seriously think about pool More than you do your career And I respect him And he's a very good friend of mine

So I had to really Really pause I didn't You know i didn't take it lightly i had to take a deep breath and i was like fuck he's right that's right i play pool all the time i was playing every day i have a i have a real addictive personality i do too so i get like uh like how many hours i want to get flying and then like uh things i want to learn playing drums and stuff and then it becomes i i've had to learn to be like built these are hobbies yes yes okay you're a dad first then you're a comedian let's sort of prioritize the world isn't waiting for you to know how to play good times bad times yeah that can sit back a little bit but the fact that you're doing that kind of stuff i think is great i'd

love i really identify with you in a lot of ways the way you do that well you get fucking crazy about drums or you're crazy about cooking yeah everything i just fucking i just i go down like i gotta learn all about like yeah everything came out here i got into old cars and then all of a sudden i was watching this guy eric the car guy i found him most fascinating because he would work on like cars of today where you just open the hood. It's like, what is everything and how do you get it? And he's just taking off all this plastic shit and just digging all the way down.

And he's just like, you know, if you can't remember, just videotape it. Just remember how it all goes together. Dude, one time, I forget what the hell he was changing, but he had to take the whole fucking front end of this car off to change something that I used to be able to change on my fucking 83 Ford Ranger. I know that guy. I know what you're talking about. Yeah.

Yeah. And he does everything. Electrical. He does fucking everything. And I would just sit there. I watched all of that. I watched all the way back to people rebuilding flathead v8s and what made it a flathead and um i never got any electrical that always seemed like magic to me like i never got

into that shit i was scared like oh you touch it you get fucking electrocuted but um i got all into like watching like like somebody rebuild an engine like just from the bottom to the top it just wasn't a lot of stuff right it was like the crankshaft and then there was the shit that held on the pistons you put the drop the pistons in and the and then there was the intake uh what was it the intake manifold and then there was the um uh the big thing the valves gapping the valves that seemed like oh man if you fuck that up this thing isn't gonna run right and um and just knowing that the firing thing and I got into like torque wrenches, and I learned how to change brakes on like old school like shoe brakes and stuff like that.

I got all the right wrenches and all that. I don't know how to adjust them. I know where you do this. This little slit in the back of the wheel. And I thought you just put them close to it. It's right up against the drum you're supposed to put them on. And I got totally into fucking brakes for a while i tried to rebuild the carburetor failed miserably because it was really old and i took off too many parts it was like warped and shit so was that your dodge the

truck no ford it's ford yeah yeah brown ones are ford uh black it's black yeah yeah i don't think it was brown i don't know what year is that like 68. It was made. I looked up the VIN number. It was actually made in Canada. Crazy. Really? March of 68. I want to say Toronto or something like that. I guess they had a factory up there or whatever.

So in March of 1968, that thing rolled off. And I think it spent most of its life down south like in Georgia. Did you swap the brakes out for disc brakes? I did. Chris Titus was the one who helped me with that he put uh i did one side he did the other he did the other but he showed me i was just doing what he told me to do so i had all drum brakes and i wanted to keep it all original but you know people were pulling out in front of me like i had disc brakes and i'll tell you it was fucking hilarious when i only had drum brakes i locked him up pulling out in front of me like I had disc brakes. And I'll tell you what's fucking hilarious.

When I only had drum brakes, I locked them up one time in front of a bunch of millennials, and they've never heard that sound. That, like, fucking, they all went like that. And all I was doing, I just, you know, the light turned. You know how fast the yellow lights are out here? I was kind of an East Coast mindset. Like, I can make this. No, I can't.

I just fucking, I didn't even think I hit them that hard that hard i kind of went a little sideways and then it was fucking hilarious it was like this outdoor cafe and they all looked over and then i just had to fucking sit there it was almost like that arty lang movie when he fucking mooned he moons the crowd and the guy gets out and just leaves him there he's like oh he was he was supposed to keep going like that's what i felt like i was i was like actually embarrassed I probably waved and said, sorry. Those brakes are terrible. It's amazing nobody died. Or more people didn't die, rather.

Those brakes, I used to have a 1970 Barracuda that had those kind of brakes. Oh, yeah, I know. Just, well, I was 71 when I was in high school. And you'd hit the brakes, and it would just skid. I mean, there was everything locked up. Anti-lock brakes, one of the greatest inventions ever yes fucking incredible invention no i used to drive my truck uh before i had power steering i got put power steering in an air conditioning um it was just it was just a basically a farm truck and it was like no power steering three on the

column which i still have because i think that's cool and i used i i got stuck in the teeth of the one night like the fucking uh you know traffic i always said stuck i'm driving through the teeth of it it'd be like between five and seven i was coming from santa monica driving over to the fucking laugh factory and i literally by the time i got to the laugh factory i was like tired man i know i'm an older guy but just like shifting and like you, like when you're at a dead stop and you're just turning the fucking weight of that. And it's this giant steering wheel to give you like leverage. That's why the fucking thing is so big. And I was just like, oh, my God. Like, you know, doing a three-point turn in that, like my triceps would be burning.

Not in the best shape, but I'm just saying it's like I got to make my life a little easier. Well, even my little car, that little red car that I have, that doesn't have any power steering. And when I turned that thing, that car is so light and tiny. It's fucking hard to turn, though. Like when I have to pull into the parking lot of the comedy store and I have to back it up so that I could get out of there quick. Yeah. It's a pain in the dick. It's hard.

Three-point turns are not three-point turns. They're like four or five points. Yeah. I wonder if back in the day, because those original cars, they had those little skinny bike tires on it. It was just easier to turn. And then as they got heavier and wider. Well, you know, my Corvette has that modern suspension on it,

the 65 Corvette, and it has really wide tires, like the big old steam rollers. Just for a goof, I had the power steering taken off. I'm like, let's see what it's like to have the power steering. It was fucking horrible. It was horrible. You'd get a forearm workout just driving around town. Driving down the street, yeah, you're bouncing around.

It was too much. I had to change it back. Yeah. I love old cars, though. There's something about the idea that you could fix it. You could go in there, and with a good book or a good video, you can actually fix it. I know a lot of guys who have fixed things. I know guys who have changed their transmission.

They've gone in there and swapped their transmission out for a new one. You know, put it up on a list. It's just having the balls to take it apart and then the patience. Like, I don't know, you got to ask for help. I just found like it was just like, I need what tool? I don't have that fucking tool. Then you have to order it. It was really frustrating.

And that was a quick sort of like rabbit hole I went down. So I like now that I kind of understand how the whole thing comes together. But like, yeah, I guess that gets back to the whole going down the rabbit hole thing. There's a guy who's got a great video that you would love. And it's on uh petrolicious and it's uh the video is called uh i think it's called a one car for everything and there's this guy he's a fiction writer writes like screenplays and shit never worked on a car in his life decided he wanted to buy an old porsche so he bought like a 1971 p 1971 Porsche and didn't know jack shit about cars. So he

starts learning. One car to do it all. That's it. So this guy puts together this car and then starts working on it and then takes his fucking garage and turns his garage into like a professional workspace, digs a hole in the ground, puts a lift in, in the floor of his garage, like lays cement, does everything. Is this guy married? I don't know. It doesn't seem like it, right?

Yeah, it doesn't seem like this. What are you going to do with that old car? This is the car. It's a beautiful car. Look at that thing. I love those old, and that's, you know, my little car is-

That's a 71? That looks like a late 70s to me no it's a flat no uh a flat hood the uh the long hood rather the long hood models are like 68 67 68 to like 73 that's his name jack olsen it's a really fucking cool video because this is a guy that didn't have any background in it that's his fucking garage he built all this he built the whole garage. And he just decided, look, I'll just slowly get into it and understand it. And he has different arrow, like see that giant wing? That's arrow that he puts on only when he's at the racetrack

so he can unbolt it and do it. He uses this car for everything. He uses this car to go get groceries. Oh, yeah, look at the back end. Yeah, that looks like, okay. It's a fucking beautiful car. those cars are so light too that car is like 2000 he flared out the fenders though right no no the um rsr um from that era had uh fenders yeah wow yeah well they had to have fat rear fenders and fat rear tires because the engine's in the back, and those things snap around when you're taking turns because the balance is way off.

Like, the engine is hanging out behind the rear wheels. It's not a mid-engine car. It's a rear-engine car, which is extremely rare. Like, only Porsche really does it. And so you get something called lift throttle oversteer. When you're in a turn, you have to keep the pedal on. You have to keep the gas going when you're in a turn. If you let off the turn, the momentum, the rear end just pops out and you get oversteer.

You'll spin around in a circle. So they used to call the turbos widow makers because the way they used to have those old cars, they used to have those really shitty tires. He's got new modern compound tires on that thing so it probably sticks like glue but the old tires were dog shit they were terrible so you'd have this super powerful engine the weird dynamics where the engine's hanging out behind the axle i never thought about that yeah oh there's so much fun to drive there's so much fun to drive it's so engaging i love taking it to the store because by the time I get to the store, my brain's firing.

It's like popping because I've been shifting. It's all mechanical. It's air-cooled. And it's not a very... That red car is not a very fast car. Right. A modern car, like a Tesla, is way faster than it. But what it is, is it's alive. It's like you feel the gears.

What it is is it's alive. It's like you feel the gears. Like when you're shifting, you put that sucker in a second. It's just very visceral, you know? Yeah. I drove a buddy's Tesla one time. That was fucking ridiculous. It's so stupid fast.

Yeah, no, my head was tingling like I said, blood rushing to the back. And he just had the one motor. And every guy I know that has a tesla the handful i should say uh they all got invited to the factory when they they got the motor on the front wheel and the back wheel and all of them said no to that car going dude i would fucking die if i got that it was like almost like super bike motorcycle fast yeah like a like a like a racing motorcycle level fast it's zero to 60 in like two point something seconds. And then they have that new one, that Roadster that's coming out. That's one point something seconds.

One point something seconds, zero to 60. Yeah, you're in a missile. I mean, it's the only way to put it. Like, God forbid somebody's foot slips off the brake onto the gas. You're going to obliterate a street full of people. That's fucking crazy. It is crazy. It's bad enough somebody does that on a bike.

You can do that on a car with all that weight. And those Teslas are heavy as shit because of that battery, I guess, which I would think because there was no powertrain or anything that it would be lighter. But I guess that battery is like super heavy. They're heavy as shit and they don't make any noise, which is even weirder. So they're coming at you. You don't even know. Yeah. They're kind of awesome. I don't like the front end there's no

grill like the front end is boring it is kind of boring kind of boring yeah it's like but the new one isn't the roadster have you seen the roadster no i want to see that pull up that roadster can i promote that roadster can i promote the patrice thing yeah fuck yeah uh what what do we got it's uh february 19th uh the what would this be? Look at this. The eighth annual. Tesla's new emissions testing mode will produce loud, nasty farts on demand. It makes farts? They added a fart app this week. Oh, that's so ridiculous.

It's got seven different farts. There are six different fart sounds and then one automatic. You can set it to different buttons, like a turn signal. So it makes sounds? Oh, shit. And then it makes smell, too? No smell. It's just a sound emission.

Oh, okay, okay. That's just stupid. Anyways, the Patrice O'Neill scarlet farts. When is the benefit? February 19th at the New York City Center. And what do we got here? I shut off my damn phone. We got Michelle Wolfe.

Michelle Wolfe, Jim Gaffigan. I got it here. I already forget um cypher sounds myself rich voss it's all coming back here big j big j okerson gary goldman chris red uh that's a fucking hell of a lineup yes sir hell of a lineup yes sir we're gonna we're gonna try to add a couple more people to it it's at the new york city center tuesday february 19th uh all proceeds go to his family and uh it's been such a great thing like his um you know his mom's been able to get a condo and everything just told because he was take we basically with that thing we take care of everybody that he was taking care of because you know we you know the mission was basically all his family

should have to deal with is the grief right you know i always think that that's enough and the reason why we continue to do it every year is because his family members are still you know alive and i always hated that when somebody died it's just hey we do one time right it's a sack of money try to make this last for the next 30 to 60 years of your lives you know and uh and then also because you know he was the best stand-up that i ever saw live, and just keeping his name. I always think that when anytime somebody says, oh, you're one of the top blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I always think, well, you know, Patrice and Hedberg and all of these fucking guys.

Dude, Freddy Soto, what he would have done. Yeah, I was just thinking about Freddy. I was just thinking about that when you said that, that maybe we should do one of those for Freddy's family. Yeah, Freddy was like... He was brilliant. Oh, and he was he would imitate his dad and shit regardless oh no it was like yeah it was like yeah he would like hurt the crowd it was like he was like oh my god stop stop fucking guy too yeah he was every time you saw

freddie soto he's all about hugs oh he was a good dude i loved everybody last time i saw him we were working and uh remember the aspen comedy festival yeah i remember that and i didn't see him the last couple years maybe i saw him out in la but that was the time that i remembered because we were kind of in the same group you know group b group a or whatever so uh yeah he was walking around i think he was buying something for his wife or his kid or something like that i yeah that one jesus you know you heard so many out of all of me he was when i was just like freddie yeah freddie died i couldn't believe that sleep apnea apparently sleep apnea and pills to go to sleep you know like take ambien if you have sleep apnea you lock up and

you just stop breathing sleep apnea is a real fucking problem i have it i take a mouthpiece i put a mouthpiece in at night when I go to sleep, but it keeps my tongue from falling back on my throat. A lot of athletes have it. The bigger your neck gets, the more muscle tissue you have in your neck, the more it closes off your air hole when you go to sleep. There's a lot of meat in there. Well, stop doing the neck shit then, dude.

What are you doing? What are you doing, like a barbell? You just tie it to the side of your fucking head? Who needs side effect of working out you just get a big neck dude you do these no one can strangle you that is what it is for real like you well someone can definitely still strangle you but it helps a lot like if you get a hold of a regular neck regular necks just comply they just give you please call your next special Regular Neck? I guarantee no one's going to try and accidentally take that title. That's true.

Regular Neck. Regular Neck. Joe Rogan. Regular Neck. It's hard coming up with a good name for a special. Somebody told me you were doing, Ari was saying that you're going to do your next one independent. Are you going to do it independent?

No, I don't know how I'm going to do it i'm exploring all like the options and all of that i'm trying i was trying to figure out a way to uh you know because it's just a ton of specials out there was just trying to figure out a way but i mean that you know when was the last time you filmed uh october 2016 so i'm i due. I'm due. But it's like, am I due? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What it is is the special has changed since you and I started. Where a special was special.

Now what it is is it's just kind of an hour-long advertisement letting people know that you're still out there. And it's like this just – It documents your stuff, though. Yeah, it does but there's just such a sheer amount of stuff to see to have like an impact the way like i was trying to think maybe like the last one that really was just like whoa and i would say it would be like maybe dave chappelle killing him softly certainly chris rock bring the pain where it was just like, you know, I'm not saying there weren't ones that like, like people talked about, but like just that thing where like, do you remember when we were kids?

It was just like, you know, Friday, Hey man, see you on Monday. And then somehow on Monday, everybody saw delirious or everybody saw dice or everybody saw Sam Kinison on, on, on the, um, the,

uh, the danger field thing. And it was just like, no one was talking about it. And then just like, there was only so many channels and that thing just caught enough people's eyes. And you came to school Monday and everyone was just talking about it.

Like, um, you know, I'm, I'm still getting fucking tweets from people saying, hey, I finally got around to watching Breaking Bad. You know what I mean? Or like I was talking about The Wire one time. They're like, dude, you could have said spoiler alert.

It's like that fucking went off the air in like 2006. Like, how much time do I have to give you to watch it, you know? I still haven't seen the wire dude my buddy his uh his son the number one thing that he he watches is he on his phone he's watching one of these guys that gets paid to play video games he watches this guy on his phone play video games everybody does that okay so super common yes so now that's another thing to watch exactly forget about online porn and fucking me watching eric the car guy and all that trying to trying to like find like where you can like uh drop the pamphlets of your career basically to be like hey man i'm

still around i think there's definitely more content now than ever before, but in terms of the amount of stand-up that's available, there's never been more great stand-up available to watch. Yeah. Think about how many specials there are now. I mean, it's fucking crazy. Yeah. It really is. It is.

Yeah. So they're not really specials. They're not specials. They're not specials because it used to be, specials used to be the top comics. Now, arguably, it was basically the top white male comics. So the fact that they fixed that is a great thing. But now-

Was it though? I mean, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Damon Wayans. Yeah, dude, there was a lot of white guys. There was a lot of white guys, but there was a lot of great black guys too. The real problem was women. There wasn't very many women. Yeah, but there's-

I mean, there's like women in like three specials. There's Asians. There's Apaches. There's other people out there doing stand-up specials. Apaches? Apaches are doing stand-up? There's got to be. Anyways.

But what I'm saying was, but it was the best of the best where now it's just everybody. It's everybody. Right, right. the best of the best where now it's just everybody it's everybody right right so like i remember i remember when it was changing well i was doing a club and uh the feature act was complaining that he didn't get a half hour special on one of these networks and i'm thinking like you're a feature act and like what are you what are you gonna you're gonna do your whole act and you're still a feature and you want to document that and it's just like they used to give out half hour specials when i started out and it was to like guys who had been on the road for like 15 years and they were picking from their headlining hour

uh they were taking half of that like the best bits from an hour and then you know and that somehow through time just became a feature going up and doing his whole act. Well, Netflix is doing that now. They have the Degenerate special. They have Big J did one. Joey Diaz did one. Christina Pazitsky did one. I'm not saying it's bad.

I'm just saying it's changed. Right. So because it's even changed since my last special that I put out, my last advertisement that I put out my last advertisement that i put out hour-long advertising um so you just try to figure out you because everything's just fucking changing so fast you're just trying to navigate like where can i put this in all of this right that it's gonna blink enough that someone's gonna stare at it and maybe like watch the thing i just noticed your fucking lights with the sky that's pretty cool pretty cool right yes so what's the company that makes those octolights shout out to octolights the thing. I just noticed your fucking lights with the sky. That's pretty cool. Pretty cool, right? Yes. What's the company that makes those? Octolights? Shout out

to Octolights. Yeah. Gaffigan did an interesting thing. He decided not to put his newest one on Netflix. He puts it on everything. It's on Hulu and Amazon. You can get it on iTunes, but not Netflix. Yeah, he's a smart guy. Well, he just

took a chance, I guess. Just decided to see what happens if you just make it available everywhere instead. Yeah. I'd like to talk to him, see how successful that was. Yeah, I'll... Because I'm still working out my strategy. I'll talk to you off-air about it,

because it fucks with my ability to make something happen. So I'll tell you what my idea was, but I got nixed. I've thought about doing it and just put it right on YouTube. I've thought about doing that before. Just not getting paid for it, just shoving it right on YouTube, just see what happens. Yeah, and YouTube, yeah. Yeah, just paying for it and just sticking it out there.

Because if it is an advertisement, what's the best way to get it out there? Well, the best way would just be to put it on YouTube. Right. And then to segment it into little chunks so that people could digest it in bits. People wind up doing that. I don't think Netflix takes them down. I think when you have bits up from specials that go up on Netflixflix i think netflix just lets them stay up it just depends on what your uh what your contract is because you can work that in um we did a special

with paul verzi all things comedy network we did a special with him which was did phenomenal like broke all their online streaming uh um records and it was great because he was a guy that they don't really give special to is right right now you know who did he do the special for uh comedy central oh nice and uh so the streaming version was really successful yeah i mean he did well on well now trying to get people to actually just fucking sit down and watch television like everybody tape you tape shit right that's just how it works, which is now if you watch like NFL games, they have this thing now where the game's going on

and all of a sudden the game slides to the left and then there's two boxes and the advertising box is bigger because they know that everybody's taping games and they're blowing through it and advertisers somehow can tell if someone fast forwarded through and then the NFL doesn't make as much money.

So now they're running like this. So it's weird. There's these two things. So you don't really have to look at the commercial. You can just sit there looking at the game, but then they're telling you about fucking whatever. At the same time. Yeah, it's weird.

That's gross. It's gross, but is it? I mean, that's how I make money off advertising. It's like my thing, what's is is how you're uh what you know if you're dumping shit in the water supply if you got like all kinds of like you know i mean i think they all have some sort of labor fucking issues i would like that's the gross part i would like to be able to pay to not have that like if i could amazon one click them like how much i gotta give you for each game well i don't have to see that yeah but they'll give you five bucks they will fit but what the advertisers will do

is their pockets are deeper and they're gonna go big they're gonna find like what's funny is when the internet started out all of a sudden you just you went from watching seeing all these commercials to like nothing to now seeing way more than you ever saw yeah like my the worst is when you're watching a long YouTube video and then all of a sudden it just stops. And, you know, they try to make a nice break and then you just watch this. And it annoys me, but I'm like,

well, I do advertise on my podcast. How upset about this can I get? You know. You know when you see, when you look at the line and you see those little yellow lines on the YouTube video where you know that's where the fucking ads are going to pop up? Oh, there it is. No, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Isn't that how it works? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, advertising is what it is. I mean, it's either that or you do like a Patreon-type deal where you have people contribute. Like Sam Harris does that. Right. There's a million ways

to do it but like i don't get mad at advertising because like i said a stand-up special is me advertising that i'm going to be out on the road you say that but it's not it's entertainment it's for people that watch it they can enjoy it like okay no one's thinking about it that way but there's a way also to do advertising entertainingly like way back those less filling tastes great bud like a lot miller-like commercials were fucking great. Yeah, funny. They were great. And you wanted to see them and you loved them. Or at least I did.

So, yeah, there's ways to do everything. They still have some good commercials. Like, what's that insurance lady who's always in those commercials? What is that? Flo. Yeah, Flo. She's fucking funny. There's some funny commercials still.

But it's, you know, it's hard. I know Seinfeld was actually thinking about opening up an insurance agency at one point in time. Because he apparently likes writing stuff like that. And he was literally thinking about- Oh, an advertising agency. What did I say? Insurance. Yeah, advertising. He was thinking about doing that at one point in time.

Yeah. About making ads. Then he was probably like, wait a minute. I don't want to have a real job. Yeah, it's like, how much money do I need? Yeah. At a certain point in time. Guys like that make me feel normal with car collecting.

Like when I went to Jay Leno's place, he's got 11 buildings filled with cars. I'm like, oh, okay, I see where this goes. Yes. I've got to give myself a number. I've never been over there, but he has enough cars to start his own traffic jam. He could fill up the 405, one side of it, I i would think he could fill up the pasadena rose bowl he could fill up the fucking parking lot it's ridiculous i'll take you you want to go yeah but i love it does he have bring your truck does he have more uh uh cars than days of the year oh yeah because i know

he also has like motorcycles oh he's got he's got that's another one that's another one i went down the rabbit hole is uh was it jay's garage yeah yeah great show oh yeah i loved it no i i yeah i got into all the gas monkey garage jay's garage uh i'm getting that gas monkey guy on the show oh richard rawlings yeah i just got an email yesterday yeah that guy's a yesterday yeah that guy's a fuck yeah that guy's a fucking riot i love that guy ask him about my favorite episode my favorite fucking episode of that because he always like i watched that show so much i knew the number he was going to come at like they'd be like okay what do you want for this car and

he always get them to say it first and they'd be like i mean i was i was thinking like uh five grand and then he'd be oh man he's five now man i can't i mean i mean i could do i could do like 2700 right and then the fucking guy would then go down to four grand and he would come up like like 300 bucks and he'd end up getting the car for like three grand like whatever the fuck you wanted right so one time he went out and he busted this guy down on like a uh an old trans am or a firebird or some shit i forget what the guy sells it to him for like fucking he wanted like 18 grand or something he sold it to him for like 11 so he fucking gets the car over there he's talking about what he's going to do about with it and all of a sudden the guy's brother calls up and says hey that guy didn't have the fucking right to sell that car that's also mine you got to you know i'm going to come down i got to buy it back from you so the guy comes down

and he's you know asking what he wants for it and richard's just like i mean i was thinking like 20 and the guy goes he goes dude you bought it for my brother. I know what you paid for it. And he actually got embarrassed. He's like, oh, man, I'm sorry. It's the only time I ever saw him get, like, embarrassed. He just went into, like, his thing. And, like, I swear to God, like, watching that show, like, you get better at, like, negotiating. And, like, occasionally he does, like, these sketches, too, where he'll do, like, do like a character imitating like an old school used car salesman. And you just, how good he does it.

Yeah. Because, you know, it's not like he's a performer or an actor or anything. How good he does it. It's like this guy is like, this is just in his blood. He's just been a car guy. He's been flipping cars. I'm trying to, I haven't seen the show in a minute, but like he used to talk about how he, you know, by the time he was like 19 he was on like his 30th car or something like he was just like i like that car i'm gonna buy this car i like that one and he was just every month would just flip them um those cars

there's something about those shows that if those and auction shows or anytime like uh pawn shop shows there's something about wanting to know how the deal plays out. Yeah. You know, that is so compelling for people. There's something like, and I'm a moron. I'll just sit there staring like, how much are they going to get? Yeah. How much are they going to get for that?

Yeah. Look at that. Civil War coins? What are those worth? And how much they bust them down and just like, yeah. I mean, that guy, Richard is probably the best I've seen. He's the most entertaining because he's like a fun guy to watch

it's a performance yeah he's like oh man I mean I was thinking oh man I don't know yeah and then he goes up there and he pulls out this giant wad

it's like dude you had it you had the money the other guy has to sit there and watch it then he kind of makes fun of him afterwards yeah you know

he can kind of make in like a funny way or whatever but it's a funny way or whatever but um um it's a funny thing too that how appealing that is to men like i bet if you looked at the number of women who watch those car shows versus the number of men like you know motor trend has a channel now they have their own channel and i i guarantee you that is 97 dudes and three percent women complaining three percent women going what the fuck are you watching like if you looked at the actual numbers like what is it about cars like girls can drive

cars girls drive cars all the time girls like cars they don't like cars the way guys like cars it's just most of them generally speaking yeah outside like danica patrick and a few psychos yeah i met her one time yeah i saw a picture with you yeah she did she took me around the indianapolis motor speedways no coming down that straightaway and seeing like you know where they have the leaderboard and everything was iconic and i've been to that race a couple of times so it was crazy how fast we going she ended only she only went like half the speed of what the car like how fast they would be going or something we We got up to maybe like 140, but we were like going around turns and like my face was doing this.

But what I loved about her was she had like test pilot vibe. Yeah. Like she came up and it was just vice, like handshake and shit. She's a beast. Yeah, it was pretty. Look at this. There you guys are. Yeah, she was just totally like,

look at the difference of her sunglasses and my sunglasses. I definitely look, I have passenger sunglasses, you know. What are you talking about? They look the same. No, no, no. Those are like right off the fucking shelf. What's wrong with your sunglasses versus hers? You'll see it.

It's all in the details. Come on, man. It's like, you know, I probably, you know, your crescent kick probably looks the same as fucking some guy in a strip mall to me. It's hilarious you say crescent kick probably looks the same as fucking some guy in a strip mall to me. It's hilarious you say crescent kick. That's one of the rarest kicks that anybody ever pulls off, ever.

It's leftover from the 80s. Whatever. It's kind of legit. Crescent kick's kind of legit. It's very rare. My other thing about Mecham is after a while, it just all becomes like Shelby. Mecham Auctions, yeah. Yeah, and Hemi.

Hemi Kuda. We got a Hemi Kuda coming up in Plum Crazy. Those fucking things are too much. You buy those things for a million dollars, and when their car came out, it was like 20 grand. I mean, not even. But I like weird shit. Yeah.

I like, you know, I want to get a 76 GMC RV. That's what I want to go on the road with. Yeah. Then they had this thing. I think it was called Palm Desert Green or something like that. It was like this total Ron Burgundy. Look at that. Look at that thing.

Click on the interior, dude. And that thing was way ahead of its time. Way ahead of its time. That's amazing. Look at that fucking piece of shit. That's not a piece of shit. That's fucking tremendous. Look at the captain's chair, dude.

Nice swivel. Oh, myivel oh my god let me tell you something you walk off stage and get on that fucking thing you feel like a king you got a driver what do you give a fuck you don't give a fuck about anything i could be on the road forever in that just making eggs on that little stovetop no you're in there drinking you're doing what you want you're watching goodfellas. They're fucking Anchorman. That is pretty beautiful. It's so, well, it's an experience too. You're riding in that thing.

That's a retro experience. That's not just a truck. Yeah. That thing, you know, my wife nixed it. It's like, where are you going to put it? I was like, oh, the fucking driver will keep it. I don't need it. She was right.

My wife's always right. Not always, but mostly. Women don't like when you collect shit. Like, where are you going to put that? They don't like that. You get too many things. No, I know. That's half the reason why I got this place.

Collect shit here. Oh, yeah? Nobody can say nothing. This spot, no one says nothing. No, but then it becomes, you spend more time down there than you do up here. I don't, though. I got it nailed. I figured it out.

Get up early. You're being such a jerk. That's why they don't have a point. I don't. I can actually refute your opinion, your point, or whatever. It's so universal, too. All women have that response. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah. There we out of the highway Yeah That's it Well Imagine being them Watching you Imagine being a woman Taking care of your children

You know You give birth You get this little tiny infant And then Financially You're relying on this Fucking maniac Who's out there

Flying helicopters And fixing cars I know Playing drums all day. He's like, what are you? As long as the money keeps coming in, they can't say anything. But they're like, what the fuck are you doing? At the end of the day, you married an eight-year-old.

Exactly. You want to marry a comedian? Oh, Jesus Christ. You're lucky we don't have drug addicts. Yeah. Yeah. No, I got to work on myself man i gotta fucking you know i i just yeah i i am a difficult person to to live with evidently i didn't realize it but

like i'm now looking at it honestly stepping back and look i go yeah i can see that i can fucking see that yeah i've thought about it i difficult. Well, if you don't think about it, they'll remind you about it. Yeah. But, I mean, I would just imagine relying on me. I mean, I'm reliable. Like, I'm not irresponsible. I want to be like, look, you could have married the me that worked in a fucking warehouse and I would have been the same thing, you know, and we would be in a fucking studio apartment.

Here's the deal, though. They wouldn't have married you. Huh? They would have found someone better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you were just fucking off,

never got your shit together. No, you know what it is about women too is their ability to move on. Yeah. Woo. Like I've always said, like if I ever fucking died, how quickly all my clothes

would be down at the Goodwill, you know, and she'd just be like, you know, sell the house, let's just burn some sage. Yeah. That was interesting. All right all right well next up to the plate all my discussions with biologists and people who study like what's gad sad's uh what is his discipline behavioral psychology but he

studies you know his name is gad sad is it his last name it's his last name or his full name? S-A-A-D. G-A-D, that's his first name, Gad. S-A-A-D is his last name. Does it rhyme? Does it also rhyme? Lebanese-Canadian evolutionary behavioral scientist. Brilliant guy. He was on the podcast yesterday.

So in Lebanon, does his name still rhyme? That's a good question. Is there anywhere he can go? My name's Gad Saad. No. He calls himself the Gadfather. He's a good question. Is there anywhere he can go? My name's Gad Sad. No. He calls himself the Gadfather. He's a great guy. Oh, so he just steered into it.

He's a great guy. I can imagine when he was 13. But brilliant when he's talking about- My last name's Sad. Why would you name me Gad, Mom? Gad Sad. I don't think Sad means the same thing over there. You know?

Different language. At the end of the day, it rhymes. There's no country you can be on. You could be on that fucking little island where they shot that guy with the arrows and they're going to make fun of you. They'll probably kick you off the island. You can't name your kids. Some of these celebrities, some of the fucking names they name their kids, it's just like,

don't you remember school? You don't remember how fucking mean kids were? Why are you painting a fucking, I get it, you're creative. Yeah. Have a meditation room. Fucking don't do that with the name. I know. Give him a nice bill name.

William. This is folding chair Johnson. People need to express themselves. They do it through the naming of their children. My other favorite thing that they do is when they fucking, they put their political agenda on them. Like the kid doesn't even have a fucking chance. Like this whole thing, like gender roles.

Babies. By the way, that, my little experience being a dad going to kid birthday parties, those kids are not old enough for that behavior to be learned. Dude, the kids come, the boys show up, it is fucking Braveheart. They come over the fucking hill. The girls are social.

They're sitting there, they're kind of, they're taking things in. You know, kids, boys come in, they fucking... Dude, we were at one on Saturday and there was this kid who who's hilarious he looked like a little bobby hurley he's a point guard right and um he was playing this game he had like this ball

and he was using his his like forearms as a bat and he was hitting it then he would catch it then he would throw it between his legs he was doing all this this kid's hand-eye coordination was great for his age so over in the corner where i was sitting with my daughter was these uh like little like sort of like cushions that someone had put together like three piece thing and made it into like a little chair

so an old person like me could sit down so I stood up because I was worried the ball was going to hit so I was kind of guarding that so he went over and grabbed the ball

at one point and just seeing the chair there you know all built like that he just saw it and just kicked it and just destroyed it and then continued on

I was thinking like why did he do that? Because he's a boy. He's a boy. Yeah, we like ruin shit. Well, you got a lot of energy. Little kids like need something to do that's physical. Their little bodies, their little batteries overflowing with energy.

I'm just saying that their shit was all about like grabbing, throwing, breaking. Yeah, do you remember throwing, breaking. Yeah. Breaking. Yeah. Do you remember being a kid? Yeah. Everybody did that. It was normal.

Yeah. So this whole thing of like, well, women aren't aggressive like that because, you know. Society standards. Yeah. I think it's, they're aggressive in like, I think that they literally from like just survival shit. They're looking at like, all right, that's what i have to compete with and there are you see them looking at the boys who appear to be dominating and what they are is they're actually showing all of their cards and the little girls are already taking it in breaking

them down knowing well i can't get physical with this person i can't like dominate this person physically this is definitely and they just immediately start going like that's why they're fucking smarter than we are i think no did i lose you somewhere in there i don't necessarily think they're smarter i think what's going on is that uh men have we have different dna and the the genes are aggressive and men are supposed to be doing reckless shit right that's i'm just saying it's not it's not society didn't sit down until they didn't watch three serial commercials and then be like oh i need to be fucking this i just think that's that's just some uh bullshit that adults come came up with and uh it's not just adults it's almost always women it's women that think that there's something up with and uh it's not just adults it's almost always women

it's women that think that there's something wrong with the way men are raising their sons they think there's something that like this idea of these men raising these kids these kids being aggressive is because of the way they've been coached that's not true it's just that's just a part of being a boy there's a shit ton of studies if people wanted to actually look at the science if you leave boys alone with toys and girls alone with toys, boys will gravitate towards trucks and fucking, you know, things

that they can hit and smash and girls sit down there with little teacups and they play with dolls. It's natural. It's just 100% natural. There was a documentary on babies. You know what? Babies are gender neutral, raising their kids gender neutral so they don't call them a boy or a girl and my thing with that is there's no way you're

not saying to your son you're sure you don't want to wear the dress and then the kid wants to fucking it wants the parents approval yeah i didn't want that football i guess i wanted the dress and it's just like like i said you know my kids barely two so what the fuck do i know i'm just saying my limited experience at kids birthday parties is it's not even how it was ever even questioned that like they're too fucking too young they're fucking year and a half two years old like you're telling me that society has already exactly yeah

it's ridiculous but it's it's usually women that want to push this and men who are bitches it's like these these men that don't like

aggressive they don't like aggressive men they don't like manly men and so they they push it as well no cause they're aggressive

and they're controlling and they want to run shit and that's because that's the thing where like if you really look at their agenda when they say the future is feminine that's not inclusive and they're and they're all about oh make this more inclusive it's like no let us in so we can take it over and then we'll push you down is is the psychology of the kind of person that goes after that someone that's after like power i'm not saying the average woman is like that my wife is a feminist and she's into like inclusive shit but like people who are spearheading stuff yes like those people are wired the same way like you know i mean a dominator is yes yes and there's going to be no room for you it's going to

be like think the way like a lot of that that so-called progressive extreme left is think the way we think, say what we say, or we will fucking destroy you. Pull up that tweet that I retweeted today, the David Pakman retweet. David Pakman is this liberal progressive guy. This woman posts on Twitter she would never vote for a man or a white man or a white person. White or male. Someone who's white or male. He says that's racist and sexist. It is.

So she blocks him on Twitter. Today she called Boston College demanding that they not have him back as adjunct faculty. It's crazy. have him back as adjunct faculty it's crazy so this woman posts this and he points out that it's racist and sexist so she blocks him and she tries to get him fired okay this is why that whole thing is fucked up okay because he's acting like white people exist on an even plane which is what a lot of people try to do so it's like he's not necessarily he's just saying that what she's saying is racist and sexist yes because she's determining who she's going to vote for based entirely on the race yes but there's other elements involved like the level that white people not saying all white

people but white people have fucked over people who are not white forget about poor white people who they fucked over so you understand that but they're both right. But then like the fact that she then takes it to the point that because he had the audacity to have a difference of an opinion, that that's the thing now that now we're going to destroy you and you can't be on this thing. And then the other level of that is how the corporate entities are so afraid that one fucking nickel is going to roll out. Because all of this shit is you're just a paper tiger until you get the big behemoth to listen to you and there's all of these these fucking things from award shows to this bullshit that someone just needs to be like listen this guy already apologized this is this is an old fucking thing or uh look you just had a difference of opinion that you know this isn't the first time you're going to say something

and somebody's going to disagree with you. That doesn't mean that this guy can't come back. And you obviously, because of some shit that's happened to you, have an extreme opinion about this guy because of the color of his skin. It's like there's so many fucked up elements to that but for some reason you can't, if you address that on any level, then you're part of the problem. Well, it's not just part of the problem.

She's trying to get him fired. She's trying to get him fired for pointing out that something is racist and sexist. No, I'm saying if you say what I just said, try to look at it 360. Oh, yeah. And you're part of the problem. As much as I can, which is why I love South Park. Because everything that they do, they do it 360, right? And as i can which is why i love south park is everything that they do they do it 360 right and uh so i learned a lot from that show by the way they look at stuff like

that because i don't fucking know everything but even just to try to be like well hey you know you know insulted him a little bit i understand what you're saying and blah blah blah you can't fucking do that anymore because then somebody you're part of the fucking problem and no it's really gotten crazy got to the point like I've seen I'm not going to name names but I've seen like you know a tweet from a fellow comic

telling comics what jokes you shouldn't talk about this topic it's like who the fuck are you it's like there's already going to be enough people doing that

you're going to do like cannibalism now have you really have you ever seen comics say that yeah real comics uh yeah I mean everybody has their opinion on

somebody's fucking act but i mean yeah yeah that's ridiculous that's not a real comic um well i wouldn't say that they are a real comic they just have an opinion i don't agree with they can fuck off um yeah i mean yeah i mean trying to have less confrontations in my life here. That kind of shit drives me crazy, though. What drives me most crazy is this bullying. Like, she's trying to get him fired. She's trying to get him fired for having an opinion on something that she publicly stated.

One of these, somebody running one of these things has to be like, you know, and it can't just be private. It has to be a public tweet to say that this is, it's just going too far. And this fucking thing where you have a difference of an opinion now and they're just going to, you know, take your fucking job away. You know, I ran into this shit, you know, when, you know, when the Me Too stuff first started coming out, people would try to like, you know, you know, you had to when the me too stuff first started coming out people would try to like you know you know you had to tweet the right fucking thing and if and if you said anything sort of oh let's let's look at the evidence god forbid you fucking said that it just became like this whole uh you're part of the problem then they would try to take you down or or or someone you were you were friends with or doing a show with, or represented by,

they would try to do like that pressure, to try, and it was just like, and all you had to say was like, no, I'm not doing that. And then it just goes away, because you don't have a fucking leg to stand on. Well, also the people that are doing it,

it's a small percentage of, it's a very vocal minority. Unbelievably small. Yeah. Unbelievably small, and you know, comics, it's like we're literally running for office. We're out there campaigning for this election that never happens.

And you're going through red states, blue states. You're going through fucking everything. And the general consensus of people is like, dude, that was fucking crazy. Like, that doesn't make sense. But no one wants to say it because they're going to get steamrolled. Well, you know how it's all what happened to matt damon right matt damon said we have to make a differentiation between the harvey weinsteins in the world and then someone who you know because he's unsorry goes on a bad date there's a big difference between those two and they attacked him and they tried to get him pulled off of that

movie oceans eight yeah and they were acting like that like killing somebody versus stealing a car versus jaywalking. Like literally the whole judicial system is based on what you did is your punishment. Your parents do that. Right. You know what I mean? How bad was what you did. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all. That's what that sounded like. Yeah, exactly. And we live in a world now where i have to be measured in the way that i say that what he said you know affected me how i heard it and then i was like this is just a typical fucking bald white male yep and they did they go in that route it's like you you literally sound like what the fuck you're against and um it's it's a uh it's not gonna last and i feel like uh it's like the end of the winter and people want to go outside and get some sun on their face and you didn't like

no no like uh uh taking people by the back of their fucking neck and fucking shoving their face in the shit it that you can't sustain that no you can't sustain it it doesn't it doesn't work you don't get people to change by yelling at them it doesn't work or bombing them like what the fuck we're doing like yeah like that's not all you're doing is you're just building up resentment yeah and more people want to fucking take you down so that's like uh they don't understand psychology so what they think is this is their time. This is their time to get back at men. This is their time to yell at men. This is the time to wear the future's feminine t-shirts.

This is the time to take their stand. And did you not see the women's march? Saw a bunch of people walking. Right. Listen, I'm not saying the points that they're making don't need to be made. I'm not saying that their complaints are not just. It's the execution of it. Yes.

Where it's like you're going to go through intimidation and destroying people. Exactly. People's careers and people. You have to publicly apologize. It's like. They're bullying people. Yes. Some of the biggest bullies right now.

I can't believe it because I'm a lefty are on my side of the fucking fence and you know when someone's on your side of the fence and you're looking at them like you sound like a fucking crazy person that's when you've entered like you know what was your special strange times yeah weird yeah like it's like it is strange yeah it is strange because it's it's they feel like they're justified because they feel like with a maniac like Trump in the office, that they have to do what they have to do to change the world. But you don't change the world by yelling at people. It doesn't work that way.

And there's real points to be made. There's real points about... I couldn't imagine being a woman working in an office with a bunch of guys trying to fuck you all the time. It's got to be a goddamn nightmare. I can't imagine having a bunch of bosses that literally tell you you suck my dick i'll give you a raise that happens yes fucking it's got to be hell i get it i mean i get it you have to be you got to be like an eight though eight on up to deal with that every day i mean let's be fucking honest you know i mean there's really there's really sixes out there there's really good if If you got a personality. Hit the gym a lot. Got a nice ass.

I'm just saying, you know, it's just like some of that shit is like fucking, you know... I always viewed it like... Like, you ever watch like the behind the scenes of like a prison? And the first thing every guy thinks is, how the fuck would I not get raped in there, right? Exactly. Women have to think that just yeah fucking walking down the street so that's how i i wrap my head around to be like wow okay like what they're saying is like because i i don't like like uh like a lot of the arguments i'm not like that doesn't make sense it's what doesn't

make sense to me is the children of the corn fucking torches burning and just like the way that this just, I mean, a lot of people, they do that with like our foreign policy. Like this whole fucking thing is bankrupted this country. Every August now they just shut down the government which has just become normal and all they do to to make it like okay is they just raise the level of debt that we legally can take on or whatever and it's like all right let's do this for another year and if you question any of that that means you don't support the troops and you're a fucking piece of shit you need to get the fuck out of here and it's like so much stuff doesn't make sense to me. Like I just saw Michelle Obama.

They had this fucking tweet of her wearing these glitter thigh high boots and said sets Twitter on fire with her $4,000 fucking boots. And it's just like, you know, do you question where she got that money? The president makes 500 grand a year. She blew four grand on fly high boats. Don't even talk to me about the fucking book deal and all of that shit. That fucking guy, his first like two, you know, public speaking engagement things were like with major banks. And you go out on the road and all these guys are fucking, all these fellow Americans are upside down in the house from all those fucking banker cunts who did not get punished in 2008.

They all, you know what I'm talking about? Like people who should have had their fucking lives burned down. Those people. And these guys, they have their faces in the same fucking pig trough as the guys with the red ties. trough it's the guys with the red ties and for whatever reason like i don't and i don't know why like they get a pass exactly and it doesn't make any sense how about more serious shit like drone strikes more more innocent civilians were killed with drone strikes during obama's administration i know and that's why they're telling me you're fighting terrorism while you're creating more of

it because all i would want to do is just get revenge. Exactly. And, you know, I have very simplistic ways of how to get the fuck out of there. How do you do it? Well, I mean, I'm not saying the air would be cleaner because I don't know what, like, when you throw a Tesla battery into the fucking ocean, what that does to it. I'm sure it's fucking horrible. But I know that they're a one-stop shop over there in the Middle East. They got oil and that's it.

I always compare them. Remember that kiosk in like the South Shore Plaza in Boston? It was a place called Wicks and Sticks. All they did was sell candles, which just seemed like a really vulnerable business. Or pewter pot. First, they just sold muffins. And then they started doing full breakfasts. Well, they're like a pewter pot. They're just selling muffins. So if we stop doing full breakfasts. Well, they're like a pewter pot. They're just selling muffins.

So if we stop buying muffins, and we got enough oil here, if we switch to solar power and all that shit, I know the windmills are ugly, and I know it's probably just as much fucking bad on the environment, but what it does is it gets you out of there, and it bankrupts them,

and then they don't have the money to funnel through the moss to fund the terrorists. Well, the United States is exporting oil now, which is crazy. I mean, we have a lot of oil. Right. Especially through fracking. I'm just saying, but if you ever suggested that, which I think I just did, I think then for some reason I don't love my country.

I'm trying to solve it. I'm a frugal guy. I don't spend beyond my means. I don't like debt and that type of shit. I don't know how the fuck these guys... I think that's why the president ages so much. Well, then I'm getting sleep. The pressure.

You imagine... The dead bodies. Everything. All of that. Just knowing how everything really works. Oh, yeah. Trump doesn't seem to mind he just takes an extra adderall keeps on trucking he doesn't seem like he's all the scandals that guy seems

completely because i think he he's he's a certain level sick mentally that it doesn't doesn't get it doesn't get in i mean because he hasn't aged at all. Now, granted, he's got all that white stuff around his eyes, and I don't know what he's doing with the hair. But the hair is usually the telltale sign. Where it goes gray, yeah. He's one of the only presidents that you know. It's like half of that shit's probably from a doll. Like, who knows where that hair's even coming from. Well, he's got enough money to do like a transplant at this point, right?

You can't do a transplant on that thing. He doesn't have any donor area. What do you mean? He's got it all in the back, do a transplant on that thing he doesn't have any he doesn't have any donor area what do you mean he's got it all in the back doesn't he no he doesn't you ever see what happens when it flies up in the back when the wind hits it the back's all bald oh because he probably did the original plugs and they didn't take who knows what he's got going on back there he's got chaos going on back there you ever seen it yeah i mean he's the president hits it and his hair flops up. But you ever seen the video of him? It looks like he's a guy wearing a demon.

Yeah, it's wispy. Like a demon wearing a human mask. It's very wispy. Not just wispy. Like it's missing. Like Chernobyl baby. Do you know what would be nuts? If he gets a second term and he shaves his head.

That would be nuts. And he would just look like the most evil fucking dude ever. Like that would be like. If he got a second term, shaves his head, starts doing intermittent nuts. And he would just look like the most evil fucking dude ever. Like, that would be like... If you got a second term, shaves his head, starts doing intermittent fasting, lifting weights, gets on steroids,

drops down to about a buck ninety, jacked. Yeah, I mean, that would be... I think, yeah, it's definitely... I don't know, that's why I'm trying to just, in my own little fucking world,

I'm trying to chill out more and I'm trying not to fucking, there's just, there's sexist and racist and trying to get people fired. Like it's a time of outrage across the board. And you have to respond a little bit. You have to let people know, hey, this is fucking ridiculous. Like there's a certain obligation, especially comedians have as a social commentator. You see some stupid shit if you're not commenting on it. If you choose to go that route. Some people just like,

I'm just going to let you forget your whole work week and I'm just going to talk about a bunch of shit, small stuff. Like Seinfeld type stuff. Yeah. I mean, some people don't comment on anything that's controversial. Some people, they'll go their entire career. But what I've always loved about Seinfeld is, like, if you really listen to him, he has contempt.

I said this on the comedians and cars. He has contempt for like 90% of things. There's anger underneath this shit. Brian Regan's like that too. Brian Regan used to do that fucking bit about the cattle prod, the walk stand line on the fucking, the moving sidewalk at the airport. When he would act out the cattle prod that he wanted to fucking do, I was just like,

there it is. There it is. There it is. He's one of the nicest fucking guys ever. Brian Regan? He is. So nice. And he's an unbelievable,

just decent, fully formed human being. He really is a great guy. He also knows when to get on stage and when not to get on stage. If he's drunk, he won't get on stage. The other day he was at the store. He was hanging around. I had my show in the main room, and I said,

Brian, you want to do a set? He's like, thank you, but I've had a bit too much to drink. He was in the back bar, a little bit lit up, and he just said, I just don't think it's a good idea. Especially because he's got that squeaky clean act. He was in the back bar, a little bit lit up, and he just said, I just don't think it's a good idea. Yeah. Especially because he's got that squeaky clean act if he goes up there. These fucking cunts. Yeah.

You just can't. I've only, twice in my life I've been on stage drunk. Once was in Ireland. Oh, that's a good place to be drunk. Yeah. And then the, that's when I was doing the Kilkenny Festival a long time ago. And then another time I had gone to a Red Sox-Yankees game, got drunk at the game, thought I was doing the Kilkenny Festival a long time ago. And then another time, I had gone to a Red Sox-Yankees game. Got drunk at the game. Thought I was sober.

And somebody texted me as I got back to the city going, hey, you want to do a spot? You know, I got off the subway. You want to do a spot? I was like, yeah. And I thought, you know, when you're so drunk that, like, just drunk feels sober? And I got on stage, and I was just like, oh, shit.

And I really had to slow down. I was, like oh shit and i really had to slow down i was like slurring fucking what's going on people immediately everything i learned it as a comedian it was like i i like open micro energy and the whole crowd reacted that way and i had to kind of slow down and get it going i don't even think i did my time i was like fucking sweating my mouth was dry i was just like all right that's it for me that was my closing bit that's it for me yeah so never did that again yeah it's uh anything that slows your brain down it's not the best yeah but a little buzz doesn't hurt anybody just a little bit uh i don't yeah i mean drink you like one drink yeah drink i don't you

don't like anything no i don't i have like a rule that i don't used to what right you used to have like a drink before you go no never never never not even a little drink no never why did i think you did no confusing you with somebody maybe yeah so i know i'm like i'm kind of just i don't know i i was i drank too much you know i was just drank too much and then i just take some time off so i know i'm like i'm kind of just i don't know i i was i drank too much you know i was just drank too much and then i just take some time off so i'm just taking time off from boozing right now i know you got on a big diet kick for a while you got down pretty light didn't you you got pretty heavy and then you lost a ton of weight and you developed abs again i got four out of the eight i got halfway there that's good i got halfway there and then uh

then i had a six-week run on the road and it just fucking it just sucks man yeah i ate perfectly i wasn't drinking for like two months uh no almost three months and then six weeks six weeks and you just fucking you know it's just it's just it's just not fair it's not fair that there's no way in a healthy way to really lose like five pounds a week, but you can easily put on six. No problem. No fucking problem.

Especially in like New York. You could just fucking, you could do it. You can lose five pounds a week. If you really have the weight to lose, I was going to say like, I was going to say 10 cause I knew you were going to fucking debate this. 10's rough.

10, 10 you're dehydrating yourself, but you can lose five. No no but i mean like not losing muscle mass like just doing it the right way and you're gonna keep it off i'm not talking about some celebrity crash diet or i gotta make weight for this fight i mean like like legit just how easy i mean just fucking uh new york city get a couple slices of pizza every fucking night after a night of drinking you're of a certain age that's it five pounds all of a sudden you you know fucking slacks aren't fitting the way they're supposed to yeah yeah i do uh you ever do intermittent fasting you know what that is yeah you ever try that yeah it's called sleeping

i haven't eaten for eight hours you're supposed supposed to wait 16. That's breakfast. Break fast. Yeah. No, I can do that. That's not, you know, fasting is not hard. It's just if you start at four in the afternoon and then, you know, by the time you wake up the next morning, you've gone so long that you're not really even hungry anymore. Yeah. And then you're kind of fine. And it's just that first night and then you're all right.

I know a buddy of mine does it. He goes, dude, I still work out. I don't do anything. He goes, I have this ridiculous amount of energy and all this shit i was just like i heard when you're fasting you're not supposed to do that he's like it's all bullshit it's all bullshit you heard when you're fast you're not supposed to do what exercise yeah like you're supposed to fucking be chilling nah no you can exercise you can definitely especially you were the second non-doctor to tell me i can do that. Yeah. So I'm waiting for someone with at least- A PhD.

Has a lab coat Halloween costume to tell me that. I'll get Dom D'Agostino. He's a guy that- Get Sad Glad. Gad Sad. Gad Sad. We have a guy that's been on the podcast a couple times. Okay, how fucking smart he is.

It's a fasting expert. I'd be like, I'm sorry, does your name rhyme? I wonder if Gad is short for something, like Gad Zooks. One of the great drummers of all time, Steve Gad Really? Gadzooks is a great name Now if you name your kids Gadzooks It's just not fair to your children

Gadzooks is not a bad name It's kind of cool Gadzooks, remember that? People would say that? Gadzooks That was like a comic book type thing Like when people were stunned They'd say Gadzooks I would say Steve and Zooks that was like a comic book type thing like when people were stunned I'd say Gadzooks

I would say Steve Steven Zooks yeah Lebanon common male Arabic name given that means

Felicity I know but do they fucking if your last name is sad do you have to name your kid Gad I just can't picture a part of the world

where your name fucking rhymes and you don't have to deal with that every time. Oh, yeah, I get it. It rhymes. Can I have my fucking falafel? You want to talk to him?

Huh? He could do your show. He'll do your show. He's a funny guy. You talk to him about that. I don't have smart people on my podcast. Ever? You've never done it,

right? I did it once. You did do it once? Yeah, I did it once. I make an exception. I think we did it once you did do it once yeah I did it once I make an exception I think we did it at my place oh okay

has it been that long yeah yeah yeah yeah or we did it no we didn't do it at my house we did it at the studio yeah I think I recorded it

yeah yeah yeah or something like that yeah okay yeah I like how you do it though I keep telling comics i'm saying look look what bill does he doesn't need anybody he doesn't need anything he's got a fucking recorder and he just rambles yeah that's great yeah that's because of my childhood the way you just said that

what did you just say anybody doesn't need anything he doesn't need anything yeah that's where i went and that was my protective place I went mentally. You just start talking to yourself. No, I was just like, fuck everybody. I don't need anybody. I don't care. Which wasn't true. I did care.

Right, of course. You did care, but you just say, I don't care. I don't give a fuck. That's a pretty common thing amongst comics, don't you think? No, I think I'm unique. Oh, interesting. No, I guess it is is there's a few guys that are doing that now like you though like theo vaughn does his podcast very similar to the way

you do it he just rambles you know uh dalia does it very similar just rambles but that's a great it's got to be a great way to develop material like come up with ideas i try not to take too much shit from there uh you know i answer questions and shit i have like my little fucking tent poles i got to get me through it but uh i um man i don't know like it just started out as a way to promote my dates and i would just talk hey what's going on i'd make a couple of jokes i'm gonna be at the punchline in san francisco and it was only like a minute long or two minutes long and then it just got a little longer and longer i would some stories. I used to call in a service is how I did it. And it would record me on the phone.

So I had my little flip phone and I would. I remember those. Yeah. You were like at an airport talking on the phone. It was like a phone call. Yeah. And I'd be making fun of fat people and shit as they were walking by. How long were those?

Then those started to get to be 10 minutes, 15 and then half hours. So the point was, you know, I noticed I was talking on a cell phone. Like my head felt like I was getting cooked. And then, you know, then I started like, oh, I'll answer questions. And I had to think for a while, overrated, underrated. Then I had a segment, is it racist? But then somebody said Tosh.0 had something like that. So I had to get rid of that.

Yeah, just kind of did that. Now I just, I don't know. I just sit down. Sometimes I forget that I'm fucking talking to anybody. All those years of just being on the road, just talking to yourself in the car. Is that what you do? You talk to yourself on the road in the car? Yeah.

Really? I listen to music. I fucking fantasize about being in the band that's a big thing when i listen when i listen to music when i listen to a music like you pick any fucking song and i'll tell you who i am in the band during it like i know you're an aerosmith guy right so train kept a rolling i'm joe perry okay when he's fucking playing the guitar and then when steven sings i'm steven i'll do the whole fantasy i'm just like jumping around like fucking i'm in star trek right uh and then when

joey kramer does the fucking uh the drum roll in the middle then i'm joey and uh yeah i just crush it it's just a whole fucking fantasy of me have you ever met those guys? I met Tommy Hamilton Joe Perry Did my podcast He's great, isn't he? Yeah, yeah He's a great guy Like so down to earth

Yeah, ridiculously cool Like you're hanging out with him You like forget Like he's one of the greatest guitarists Of all time Yeah, all the riffs he wrote And everything He's a regular dude

Yeah Steven Tyler I met one time Yeah, just all Yeah I always like You know, just that that whole band experience is is very a lot like stand-up where in the beginning you're doing these impossible gigs and you get like this you know you know it's it's like you against them and even like as you came up as an open mic or the band was kind of the the class of open micers and you'd go up there and you know if the crowd got the better of you you'd like if you know

if your buddy told that person to shut the fuck up or whatever i just like that whole thing you know like when i read that you know one of those guns and roses books about how their first gig was in seattle and they had this this van or something and it broke down and they just kept going and they just were thumbing and they just somehow fucking got there at the last second they just did the gig um you know i just and i just would think it would be all like it was it was great feeling as a comedian to turn a room around yeah but to actually be in a band and fucking you know you did it with somebody else you could actually share it with somebody as opposed to fucking doing it by yourself and then going back to the Super 8.

I love that you do those gigs where you get together early with Dean Del Rey and you guys play music and he sings. Dean Del Rey can sing his fucking ass off, dude. He's good. Yeah. He's really good. He has all the fucking rock star moves and shit. Yeah.

He's legit. Yeah, we had a great time. The clips he was showing you, He has all the fucking rock star moves and shit. Like he's fucking, he's legit. Yeah. We had a great time. Uh, the clips he was showing you, that was at the forum. And then, uh,

when he was singing whole lot of Rosie. Yeah. I was like, Holy shit. Yeah. Like that is, he's got a fucking voice on him, man.

And we didn't tune down a lot of times. Like when you go see a band, you don't really notice, but like they tune down half a step or a full step. And sometimes, you know, people can get way the fuck down on certain songs. But they still – I saw Guns N' Roses recently.

Axl. There he is. Give me some volume on this. Yeah, Axl. I want to tell you a story. Not a woman I know. Here comes the loving. She steals the show.

And it's exactly pretty. And it's exactly small. Here we go right here. That's Michael Devon on bass. Look at him go. That's Andrew. Yeah. That is a fucking awesome cover. Yeah, we did... It might be a little slow. It's like you guys are like... You're a fun band together,

but you got a legit professional singer. Well, that guy on bass plays in Whitesnake. That's Mike Devon. Oh, shit. He's a Massachusetts guy. No, he's a fucking beast. Wow. He's a beast.

For some reason, everybody looks like they're playing left-handed there. I had a girl I dated once. I got in a car accident with her. Some old man ran a red light and slammed into us, and the car got totaled. So they're taking the car away away and i have a box of my cassettes in the car and she sees the white snake cassette and she fucking threw it away she's like why are you still listening to this and i'd let her i let her throw it away she must have been beautiful she's pretty hot she was older than me it's 19 oh that's why 1988 chucked my fucking white snake chucked it out

so sad and because of that somebody sent me one is it still here where is that somebody sent me a fucking white snake cassette fucking told the story someone sent it in i got a white snake cassette sitting around here somewhere someone's in here dude i feel bad oh yeah those first relationships the shit you fucking shit you tolerate it's amazing i know yeah i know but she was a woman that was the thing i was still kind of a boy and she was a woman you know she was 25 you know she's on her own for quite a while oh yeah i remember when i was 23 i dated a 30 year old that was not uh that was not the way to go they i think they treated you like a toy yeah and it was like you know she had been through a bunch of relationships so she knew how to put up she knew how to post up in the thing so

i was just like she was ready for you oh yeah yeah it was fun she was cool and everything but it was just like yeah it didn't work out yeah obviously yeah i felt like i was a dog like i was a like i was a like she got a dog you know like you know chicks get a german shepherd you know yeah you're a german shepherd i was more she got a psycho yeah i was more i was crazy back then too this was i was still fighting so it was like i was 21 and she was uh graduated from college grown woman had a job and a career had cds yeah she's like oh fuck you and no cassette tapes i don't even think yeah i had cds in the cars in 88 did they no they did because i remember a buddy of mine in 88 a buddy of mine he had the first one he had a volkswagen scirocco that we thought was amazing right that was like a sports car yeah and he had uh this might have

been 89 though 89 or 90 i can't remember that's kind of a blur back then so long ago but he had like the uh they would like mount it like you had almost like a disc man it wasn't like in the dashboard and it would just sit on like the little console in the middle so and then the thing if you went over a bump it would skip and then they had like the big suitcase they put in your trunk

it holds like 18 fucking CDs oh look at this is that it? it's from 1984 oh okay they had discs in 84 CD's The CD changers Oh look at this Yeah Is that it 1984 Whoa Oh okay They had discs in 84

Wow Wow Well we were just out of high school So he didn't have the money We thought he was rich He had a Volkswagen Scirocco Oh it's in his car In 1984

Wow You know they had car phones Back in like the 60's They had phones in cars Oh Way back then Yeah he had to be like the presidential level yeah super fucking rich guy yeah yeah i'm surprised you don't have a flip phone

surprised i would do it i i mean i don't i but i i like uh i play my card games on my phone spades and gin rummy and shit like that. Whenever I'm in traffic now, if I Uber or something, that's how I get through traffic and I don't flip out is I just fucking stare at my phone. You don't listen to books on tape or anything like that?

No. I can't do that. You can't listen to books on tape? I've never tried. I just can't. It would annoy me listening to the person trying to make it sound interesting.

You know? With the inf trying to make it sound interesting. You know? With the inflection. With the inflections and the voice and stuff. That would annoy you? Yeah. Because I'm defensive. I'm like, this guy thinks I'm a fucking moron. It's just like...

And then in 1862, da-da-da-dee-da, ba-ba-ba-ba-boo. And just talking like that, I'd just be like, all right, dude, just fucking read it. That's so funny. Read it like a bailiff. Read it like a bailiff. Like a bailiff.

Dude, I remember. You know why I have that reference? Because when I got busted for drunk driving, the bailiff goes, this is what he said. The giggler goes, pulled the defendant over approximately blah blah blah you know chasing through two towns you know whatever and uh which i which was bullshit i anyways i had a fucking 83 ford ranger and the bailiff read the thing he said uh the arresting officer asked the defendant where he's coming from and he stated fucking boston and it was just like that's not that's what i said that's not the way I said it

I was fucking wasted he said I was trying to remember he said where'd you come from I was like fucking Boston the guy goes fucking Boston you want to get out of the car and I was like yeah I wasn't a jerk but when the guy did the read, he goes, we asked him where he was coming from. He said, fucking Boston. And then I looked like a, you know. Asshole. Oh, it was funny. I was standing there.

It was all like these people who mug people. And they were like laughing. Like, oh, this guy's sticking it to the man. So. I got pulled over for drunk driving once, but I wasn't drunk. I dropped my phone. Dropped my phone on the highway. Reached down to grab my phone, and I wiggled a little bit.

Right. And I wasn't even reading my phone. It's just my phone was between my legs. And it fell, and I thought it was going to get underneath my accelerator. And they pulled me over, and they made me do all kinds of crazy shit. And I did it. Yeah. I'm like, I'm doing all of it.

I'm like, look at me. I'm sober. And then they wanted me to take a breathalyzer. I'm i'm like okay why do you want me to take a breathalyzer like i don't i don't i don't want to trust your equipment you just got done doing all the tests yeah like look i'm doing i'm on one foot i'm fucking balancing what do you need me to do i can i can do it set up some cones like what do you do you want to know if i'm drunk you know i'm not drunk so why you want me to blow in'm drunk? You know I'm not drunk. So why do you want me to blow on your bullshit?

Like, what's going on here? And the cops, they agreed with me. They let me go. I said, look, I'm a big supporter of police officers, big supporter of law enforcement. I donate. I do benefits whenever they come up. And I'm sober.

And I'm sober. You know what was another good one? You know what the best one is? Most of my friends, we all get busted for drinking drinking and driving the best one was a buddy of mine uh they read his it was like you know approximately four in the morning we noticed a maroon vw fox blowing its horn trying to pass on the right we pulled the defendant over uh after repeatedly asking the defendant to stay in the car, he got out of the car, threw his keys at my feet, and repeatedly stated, lock me up, I'm fucked up. And this was funny. My buddy was a good-looking guy, and the judge was a woman.

And when the guy read that, you know, locked me up, I'm fucked up. And he wasn't the brightest guy. He just kind of, he went like, he put his head down like that. And he was, you know, a little pound puppy fucking looking dude. And she gave him like a lighter sentence. Because he was good looking? I think so. Yeah.

I mean, it all plays in. That's why ugly people are complaining so much like they they won't take the time to develop a fucking personality write some jokes do what the rest of us have to do like i don't get mad at brad pitt you know how come he fucking because he's fucking beautiful i'm a fucking bald red-headed male. I know where I am in the pecking order. And some of these fucking people who are complaining right now, who are mad that beautiful people get treated differently. I understand racially speaking, but you're not going to do the beautiful thing. And then there's another thing they try to say.

Well, society tries to, you know, they're the ones that fucking, like, you know, I love when there's a supermodel. Like, this is like an impossible standard of beauty to try and live up to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why she's on the cover of a magazine. She's that level beautiful.

And you're going to try and sit there and tell me that that was learned. Well, here's the thing. That's only women. Because when you see Jason Momoa playing Aquaman, you don't hear men saying that's an impossible standard of beauty that we have to no i just make fun of that fucking stupid thing he has to hang on to i don't get how much you can kick my ass that is the dumbest you should be on a fucking cereal box it's a trident for years they had a problem with Aquaman. It's like he's in the ocean.

Human beings are on Earth. I have to see that fucking movie. What are they going to be? Is it going to be Japanese people finning? Is he going to save Sharp? He goes underwater. Is that his skin? With all the bumps?

What is that? Is that a suit? Doesn't water get in the gloves? You think that would have to be one piece, right? Yeah. That would be annoying as shit. Is there any worse than water in your gloves? Well, look, it looks like it catches them, like a water catcher.

Not just like water gets in the gloves. It's like a funnel. He looks like a stripper at a bachelorette party. He does. A good one. He paid money. He got a good one. Guy dieted down for that.

Yes, he did, and he got all the abs. So he's better than I am. Oh, this is the fall look. That got a good one. Guy dieted down for that. Yes, he did, and he got all the abs. So he's better than I am. Oh, this is the fall look. It's a different one. The fall look. This is when he's in the Black Sea. You know what I mean? He wants to fucking...

It's cold. Yeah. Did you see what's going on in the UK? The UK has banned advertisements that feature unobtainable bodies. I retweeted it. I tweeted it recently. The way they eat fish and chips over there, that's going to be most of advertising. Well, they had these ads for summer bodies. You see a girl in a bikini, and they're now making it illegal to put those kind of ads up.

Why can't you aspire to that? I look at that Aquaman guy that makes me want to go to the gym. I don't be like, you know, you've got a full head of hair. You've got to make me feel better. It's because the people that complain. Who are the people that complain? The people that complain are the people that don't want to work to be that lady. They don't want to work to get that kind of a body.

And they just want to not see it. They don't want to go to the subway and see a body that they're never going to have. Yeah, I saw an actress complaining one time because the studio told her that she needed to lose 15 pounds. I'm like, you can't drop 15 to star in a movie. I mean, what carrot can they, specifically carrots, some veggies in your diet. What do they have to dangle in front of you to go to the fucking gym like the rest of us? I literally, because they always say, oh, guys don't have to deal with that. It's like, yeah, we do.

Of course. Yes, we do. Aquaman had to deal with that. It's like, yeah, we do. Of course. Yes, we do. Aquaman had to deal with that. What if he gained 20 pounds? Dude, forget about him. Just having five lines in a fucking movie. If I am north of 171, 72 pounds,

the fucking tweets I get, hey, Billy Boo's bag. Hey, Billy bitch tits. Hey, fat freckles. All of this shit that I get, like they sit there and they like they have like uh they're acting like like fucking pre-teens where everything is just everything's about them

and the whole fucking world gives a shit celebrities with their fucking political views is the funniest thing ever it's like all you're you're not you're not making anybody change their mind politically i feel like i need to fucking speak up like, no, you can't have the spotlight on you enough. That's all you're doing. Because all you're doing with that bullshit is, first of all, you're alienating half the fucking people that are going to go see whatever the fuck you're in. And then secondly, you're just getting on the radar of lunatics in white vans with two seats that are looking up how to fucking build pipe bombs. Like, that's the fallout. It's like the jerk when he goes,

average run of the mill son of a bitch. You know, and he picks Steve Martin. The idea that a girl shouldn't be asked to lose weight to look hot for a movie is fucking crazy because that's what you're playing. You're playing a hot woman. That's part of the job. And there's millions.

Dude, everybody's in shape. I remember fucking seeing, I used to do a bit about this. I saw Ben Stiller in Meet meet the fuckers or something there was a scene where he had to have his shirt off in the pool he had fucking abs in a comedy yeah because that's because you were seeing the influence of the fucking internet you know what i mean it was just like you know it gets in your head people just fucking trashing you like i already knew i was unsightly but i didn't realize how many things that people didn't enjoy about me until i got on

the internet i was like wow i never noticed that about myself so um yeah i don't have um look if somebody really has like a fucking eating disorder you know i feel like fucking obese i have sympathy for those people but if you're 15 pounds 20 pounds overweight i mean fucking you know did he drink some fucking smoothies these women that are playing these roles have to understand first of all that part of the reason why you got that role is not just because of your acting ability but also because you're pretty you have a beautiful face you were born with it you didn't even work at it and then on top of that you're supposed to be playing a beautiful person in the movie they would like you to not be fat well there's also there's also discrimination there's millions of dollars at stake that could be lost so i always feel like your job is even if you look like me is to show up on time knowing your lines in the best

possible shape you could get yourself in that's that's the role that's the even if i'm just fucking playing anybody you're arty lang what if you're arty lang and you're supposed to play the guy that's smoking cigarettes and you're the brother-in-law that's drunk all the time? Then your job's to look that way. Yeah, your job's to look that way. Yeah, her job's to look like the hot woman that everybody wants to fuck. If they're telling you you have to lose weight and you're a beautiful woman,

it's because they want to make you more attractive. There's not discrimination. There's a reason. They want a better product. No, they want to make money. Yeah, they want a better product. I'll tell you another thing too like really that those both male and female like those beautiful people at that level it's like they're fucking aliens like i i've done a couple of movies i did a movie one time and i remember uh it was a scene we were in a car

and the star of the movie was holding onto the steering wheel. And I was like, I never thought this ever about a woman. I was like, her forearms are gorgeous. I was looking at him like, I was like, those forearms are perfect. But I didn't make me, when I went to Stockholm, Sweden, how beautiful the people were there. I was walking down the street pointing at guys with my wife going, Neil, look at that guy. Look at that. That fucking guy, he's like an accountant walking down the

street he's like does he know if he fucking came over here he'd be starring in movies and that's not all of Sweden by the way that's like just when you're in Stockholm that's like they're Manhattan so all the beautiful fucking people but I mean I went into a couple I went to this maggot plate went and bought like a magazine or something like that when I was over there. And the woman behind the counter was like a fucking 11 here. But she was working at a magazine stand, so that was her energy. Like, hey, how you doing? I'm working in a magazine stand. My dream hasn't come true yet.

You're just looking at them like you could sign with the – who was that big modeling agency? Yeah, like that all – like Cindy Crawford and all them were with back in the day. The Vikings. It's Viking blood. The best looking people. They went over there and raped and pillaged and all that good DNA is left there. They caught the best women. They kept them alive. Killed everybody else.

Oh, is that what happened? Oh, yeah. I don't know what happened. Vikings. That's why they're so big. Beautiful. Oh, yeah. No, they're super tall. That's why they're so big, beautiful. Oh, yeah. No, they're super tall. That's one of the funniest things ever. When you go over to like the, what do they call those?

The Nordic and then Scandinavians within the Nordic countries. I always have to remind myself of that. Like you'd go over there. It was the funniest fucking shit because they're so goddamn tall. There would be kids almost my height whose voices hadn't changed yet. And they had the mentality of like an 11-year-old. They'd be like, except they were speaking that,

when they were talking, and their voice hadn't changed yet. And I was just sitting there laughing my ass off, going, these are like fucking, yeah, everybody was like 6'3", 6'4", 6'5", like rail thin with their fucking European pants. I'm actually going over there. Stockholm next year, but I'm going over Europe.

I got to run 10 days over there. Yeah, I saw you're doing a European tour. When you do that- I'm doing three legs of it. Three legs. So you do three separate trips? Of 10 days. Wow.

Yeah, just because the old me- Do you bring the family or do you just go solo? I'm going to bring the family on legs of it. Three legs. So you do three separate trips? Of 10 days. Wow. Yeah, just because the old me. Do you bring the family or do you just go solo? I'm going to bring the family on one of them. And then the other ones, I'm only gone for a little over a week, which is a really long time when you have a kid. And it's not something that I look forward to doing now, but it's something that it's also gives my kid a great life. So that's how I justify it. So then I also, I had to move some shit around to work less in other areas but um that's a good balance i'm glad you approach it that way you

know i have friends that don't they you know they're on the road all the time and they have kids and you know their idea is that this is what i gotta do to make a living right i'm like yeah i guess so but you know i get 30 days in a row it kind of crazy. I put my kid down for a nap and like I'll be downstairs for like 20 minutes. I look at my wife. I'm like, dude, I miss her. It's just, it's so quiet. She's hilarious. She's hilarious.

So it's just like, you know, yeah. And she has an unbelievable sense of humor. And yeah. I knew you would love it. I knew you'd love being a parent. it yeah and i always wanted to be and i just was afraid of commitment and all that shit so i waited all right i waited too long i did wait too long so which is why i'm going to take a fucking sauna with you at the end of this yeah we'll take a sauna now yeah and i want to learn all and you know gee it would really be great if

there was a company out there that could somehow let me know How I could get a sauna In my house Well Sauna people out there I was working with a guy If you can get a white snake take I can get a fucking We'll get a sauna Sauna companies

Contact both of us Okay Because I was in contact With a guy To do something In my fucking house And this asshole

Dropped the ball And is not returning Emails anymore Hmm So I need a new Sauna company too. I call my wife. I ask my wife.

Free advertising. I'm like, where's the fucking sauna? Does the sauna guy get back to us? No, he hasn't gotten back to us. I'm like, it's fucking two weeks. Should we get back to him again? I twice got back to this guy. Like, trying to get the fucking sauna installed in the house.

I love all those guys though. Like, they're like comedians. Like, they don't want a real job. Contractors? Oh, yeah. The gate guy. The sauna guy. the this guy, the that guy. They all got their little fucking. Then the handyman guys.

Yeah. Well, I grew up with those guys because my dad was an architect. So I did construction from the time I was in high school. All throughout the summer, I was always doing side jobs. I always had jobs on construction sites as a laborer or carpenter's assistants i was always around those guys i tried to do that i i lasted eight days i just with my fucking fair skin we were doing roofing in july and it was just i just remember i my job was i was putting in the scaffolding going around you know when you fucking drill the hole then you put the triangle thing and

then you fucking put the bolt on and this irish guy kept going, Billy, you must work quicker. You must work quickly. That's what he kept saying to me. And I finally stuck my head out the side of the house. I was like, dude, I've done this for three days. If you want me to fucking go quicker, you know, we were like literally three stories up. And he finally shut the fuck up. He must be a non-union guy.

Oh, yeah. Dude, I remember there was a fucking guy on the site. I swear to God, he wore the same fucking jeans every day with no underwear. And it had a fucking giant fucking hole right here on his thigh. So I'm fucking working in the house. And I just remember he stepped over something with his left leg. And the whole fucking hole moved. Just flashed his fucking junk.

I was just like... And I didn't know how not stand up to people and plus i was you know i was the new guy on the thing and i just was wanted to be like buddy how about you put on some fucking boxers or something so i don't gotta look at your fucking junk first of all he's walking around with like a goddamn nail gun not like boxers could stop that but any extra layer of clothing that you could have this guy's literally like his fucking shit you know like an owl looking out of a tree and yet it's burned into my head i could pick his junk out of a lineup that was the first time i ever encountered alcoholics i didn't know really know about

alcoholics until i started working on job sites and i realized there was guys that just had a drink they drink at lunch they were just drinking all the time they were always trying to quit i remember one guy was like i'm quitting i'm done and i remember thinking that's good you're getting your shit together you know i was like 15 i was like oh that's awesome yeah two weeks later fucking can of beer on the job i was like oh i just remember i could yeah I couldn't eat enough. I was always hungry. I would pack two sandwiches, three sandwiches,

and you just, like you were at the, it was eating content. Yeah. That's what people used to do. No, those were like, like those guys,

I mean, I would come home like, it was like I went to football practice. It was just, it just, if I stuck around for another month, I could have got in construction worker shape i was but i just sucked at it i just didn't have it and that was one of the things

how i i was able to figure out what i was good at was one of my best attributes was i knew when i sucked at something like take playing drums and i wanted to be in a band and anything i just went to too many music stores and i'd see some seven-year-old kid and just him starting to play or picking up a guitar I just knew it I was just like I don't have that I don't have that gift you know even if I played better than I just the ideas that they were already coming up with um speaking of which dude I should have called you the other day I saw uh Dave Navarro does this thing with his band Royal Machines it's like this uh they just do this Christmas show every year

and I went with Ben Bailey the other night at the El Rey dude what a fucking show these guys put on like Sebastian Bach came out and sang Highway to Hell

wow fucking murdered dude Juliette Lewis you know from fucking American what the fuck was that one with all the edits the serial killer movie

with Woody Harrelson yeah what the fuck was that? One with all the edits. The serial killer movie with Woody Harrelson. Yeah, what the fuck was that? Natural Born Killers. Natural Born Killers. All of those fucking movies. Dude, you know some people, like I'm a comedian who happens to play drums. Dude, she's a fucking rock star who happens to act. Really?

Dude, oh my God. Really? Oh my God. She was so ridiculous. I was just laughing how fucking amazing she was she sang like van halen ain't talking about love and then she sang dirty deeds and it was all just in the wheelhouse of shit that i listened to and i want to say she did one more and in the end she did like a fucking forward somersault into the fucking crowd whoa it was just fucking is there a video of this um i don't know

i was i you know they the band was so fucking good and then the drummers they had that was josh freese chad smith and brad wilk like so you know if you're into drums that's uh josh freese fucking played with everybody literally everybody uh brad Wilk was in Rage Against the Machine and Chet Smith is in the Chili Peppers and those guys were just fucking destroying. And who they had, Steve Stevens from Billy Idol's band was out there, all these fucking guys. It's just like, yeah, if you get a chance,

they were kind of talking like it was the last year they were going to do it. I hope it isn't, but Mark McGrath also was there who these fucking guys it's just like wow yeah if you get a chance they were kind of talking like it was the last year they were going to do it i hope it isn't but mark mcgrath also was there who was fucking hilarious he's sort of like the like you know you know he sings the songs great but he's also like sort of the mc slash comedian he's a really really naturally like funny guy like he i was there with another comedian he was cracking us up he went on to be like an entertainment reporter right yeah well the thing about him is he's like he was i feel like he was always like uh self uh deprecating yeah like he was writing hit songs like who the fuck can do that he like named an album like 1459 like making fun like my 15 minutes are almost up like he was like roasting himself

while he was just writing one hit after another after another and uh i've gotten to meet him a couple times he's like one of the fucking great people that i've met in this business i've heard that i've heard nothing but nice things yeah dude and he's a fucking riot he's a fucking right yeah so if you get to see guys like that you go why don't you just do stand up why do you want to work these fucking gigs working for e-entertainment television pretending you give a shit about some stupid sitcom Just go do some comedy Well how much of a chance would people give him

Cause like oh you're the Sugar Ray guy I mean he probably got enough shit Like he's just one of those really Like uh Oh there's a video of this Give me some volume This is him doing Rage That was funny shit man Wow Finally found it. Give me some volume. This is him doing Rage.

Yeah, that was funny shit, man. Wow, look at this. So there's Navarro. I think that's Brad Wilk on drums or whatever. But he was making fun of himself before he came out there because I forget who he was following. Oh, that's awesome. He was going like, I know, I know. Now you got to listen to the douche

From Sugar Rain So he just totally Makes fun of himself But then what I love Is then he goes up And he fucking murders it Wow So it's just kind of like

Ah And I Like He just reminded me of like Like a comedian or whatever So Did you get to hang out With Juliette Lewis

Um No I have before She's cool as shit I want to meet her Oh she's cool as shit I've talked meet her Oh she's cool as shit too I've talked to her We've gone back and forth

Online together I was trying to get her On the podcast a few years ago And I dropped the ball Oh alright I was always worried that People like that would worry That I just want to harp

On Scientology Cause you know She's like a crazy Scientologist I grew up Catholic Look what the fuck they did And still doing Yeah No listen I hear you Because, you know, she's like a crazy Scientologist. I don't know. When I grew up Catholic, look what the fuck they did. And still doing. Yeah.

No, listen, I hear you. But I think she's still active. They get sensitive about that shit. I was thinking of going back to church. Really? Yeah. Just in my own way. How are you going to do it?

I'm going to go, but I'm not going to listen to anything. And I'll stand up and sit down. You're going to get mad if they use certain inflections? No, but I'm just going to kind of go there. It's just a place. I don't know. I went last year with my mother-in-law because she goes every week. And I went for Christmas mass and they had like this New Orleans band.

And I was like, dude, if they had this every fucking week because the band sounded great, I would go. But like I did, it just sort of reminded me of like I used to be a better person. I wasn't so jaded. You know, I used to go every fucking week. You think you're jaded from not going to church or just I think you're jaded just from knowing too much. Yeah. And just, you know, no, it's just certain things just get out of control. You know what it is? When you become an adult, you have to be your own parent, which is weird.

Like, hey, Bill, it's time to go to bed. Hey, Bill, lay off the booze. Yeah. You know, just certain things just kind of get out of whack, you know, almost like the mixer of your life, you know. Something's up too high or too low. And I just felt like going there reminded me, you you know it's a nice reminder for the week like hey you know how about you not be a cunt for the next couple of days that's what i get out of it

i don't get like you know this guy walked on water and you know this is the right thing you know if you believe this you're gonna go to heaven and if you know if somebody believes something else they're going to hell like all of that stuff is just silly that's the way you put it is a good way of putting it that you have to be your own parent when you become an adult that's a great way of putting it because one of the things that you get from whether it's god or any kind of spirituality is you get this idea that something's bigger than you something's higher than you there's a higher purpose and you think about that instead of being selfish and just thinking about that's what it what it is. You can get like, you know, being a comic not selling tickets is one of the most humbling things ever.

And then once you start selling tickets, you can kind of float away a little bit and just like all the fucking bullshit that you had to go through, finding a flight you can afford and how am I, you know, what fucking dirty cat haired car are they going to pull up in to take me to the comedy condo? There was always cat hair, right? And then all of that goes away. And then, you know, you just have this free time. Right. And like, what are you going to do with it and this free time and this privilege that you have and you can really go roman empire

with it and fucking eat and drink and smoke and be a you know and just be a jerk um or you can uh you know you can i don't know still be who the fuck or be as much as who you were or whatever or try to help somebody out i just that's what it makes me think of when when i went like i was because i got so caught up in like this is bullshit that never happened they made that up this is just people writing this book and i went totally the other way so now i'm coming in the middle like there's a reason why people do this beyond trying to control people and make money and power and all that there is there is something to it so there's a benefit for the people that yes yeah yes so uh that's kind of what i think i was going there it's humbling it's kind of like and all that. There is something to it. There's a benefit for the people that are there. Yes.

So that's kind of what I think I was going there. It's humbling. It's kind of like when I left LA and I'm like, I'm never fucking living here again. And then I would start going back and I felt it pulling me back like, hey, you know, this isn't that bad. I'm like, fuck, I kind of like it. So I went back to church with my mother-in-law and I was sitting there

going like, there's an aspect of this that I liked. I liked the sense of community. Yes. You know, I didn't mind the little pep talk that the guy gives or whatever. It would be nice if I didn't think, if I wasn't suspicious of them. The problem with church is the problem with anybody that gets in any sort of a position of power. It's easy to abuse it.

So to have a guy who's a pastor that's not a creep and that really cares and is really a good person and really wants to care about the community and really wants everybody to do better and get better with life but isn't trying to buy a fucking Rolls Royce like Joel Osteen and live in a giant mansion. It's like it always goes south. It's absolute power. What I love about Joel Osteen is he's an arena act. Yeah, he is. As a preacher. mansion it's like it always goes church yeah it always goes it always goes south it's absolutely

you know what i do love about joel osteen is he's an arena act yeah he is as a preacher he's um he bought the old place the old arena where the uh the houston rockets used to play he bought it yeah that's how much money that guy has and then he fills it up yeah well that was when the when the hurricane came people criticized him because he didn't open up his his doors to all the folks who were displaced from their homes. I was teasing him about that. It's like, you saw that electric blue carpet he put on? He didn't want you fucking guys getting it all wet. Electric blue?

No, he does. He has his sick ass. Look at that place. Jesus Christ. Oh, maybe it's the curtain that I thought. Yeah. I mean, look at that. Look at the size of that fucking place.

Holy shit. Yeah, that looks like a Dice Clay special. And all those people are throwing down. All those people are paying to be there. That guy is making loads. I wonder if there's somebody out there scalping tickets. I got two by the altar. There's two ways of looking at it, right?

One is he's getting all those people together and there's a sense of community amongst all of them. And two is that guy's making a fuckload of money and he's got so much power. You know, you got all those people just at your... But it doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad... Doesn't necessarily mean that. He's like, what can you do with it?

Which is getting... The reason why I'm thinking of, you know, stopping in every once in a while. Just got to find a good spot. Like they were doing that rock and roll church thing for a while. There was a... I remember one of my friends who was a producer

His assistant was She was lost Spiritually or She was lost in a lot of ways She was doing What's going on Jamie What $4,950 for a ticket

Dude you wanna go What the fuck Yeah we could do that No not $4,000 it's $400 No $4,950 for a ticket? Dude, you want to go? What the fuck? Yeah, we could do that. No, not $4,000. It's $400. No, no, no. No, $4,950. Two tickets.

For two tickets. $5,000. Where? Section 4? Row D. Row D. Dude, four grand. I want that guy fucking...

That's not even... At the stage. I catch the handkerchief when he's done fucking preaching. How much I get for row 2 or section 2? They're not available. Not available? It's sold out? These are resale tickets, too.

You know what it is, man? They got fucking season passes. People probably buy season passes for Joe Olsteen. This is his tour. This is his Florida stop. Well, I saw there was a place that I was at that he was coming to. One of the big spots I was at. He does these arena tours.

And he does Vegas, too. He does the fucking T-Mobile arena in Vegas I want to see the show they got a giant ass picture of him up there does his eyes open or no smiling and shit

it's crazy it's a lot of money that guy's making I used to say he's so full of shit he can't look at the crowd that's why his eyes are like

are they still here are they still believing this shit when you're lying eye contact is the toughest fucking thing ever. Whatever. He's making people feel good. Maybe he is. He's in show business.

I want to see the show, though. He's in the God show business business. You have to respect an arena act, I think. I think there's something to that. Yeah, there's something to that. This girl that I was talking about, she was real lost. I think she was Jewish. Maybe she converted to Judaism later.

But anyway, for one point in time, she was going to this rock and roll church. She was a sweet kid. She was like, you should go. You would really like it. I'm like, I guarantee you I wouldn't like it. I'm like, what? Some young, hip guy, probably sings songs, probably tries to fuck women. Like, get out of here with that.

It's like a yoga class. It's like David Koresh. That's how waco got started how did it get started get started with one guy with a guitar and he brought that message of jesus and he had some really profound things to say and people really it really helped them feel better it resonated with them then he started banging people's wives and that's what happens yeah it always happens that way yeah well those rock and roll alternative churches there's a a few. Like the Justin Bieber guy. You know the guy that Justin Bieber has? He's the one that told Justin to get off the road.

Get off the road, Justin. Come back home to Jesus. He gets these guys to do that. Didn't he get a basketball player to stop playing basketball too? No, not play. Wait, no, no, no, no, no. That guy's not doing the road anymore? He goes back and forth.

It took a little time off. I think he canceled his tour or something at the end of his tour. Yeah, canceled his tour because the preacher told him it's – Well, maybe he's right, though. Let's be honest. First of all, Bieber probably has a fucking billion dollars in the bank. And maybe he was frayed around the edges and losing his fucking marbles. The kid's 21 years old.

He's about as famous as a human being could possibly be. Is he only 21? Yeah, he's young. There's the preacher. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa! What the fucking dick root, priest? Hold up. What's going on with his fucking shorts? Bro!

No! No, no, no, no, no. Any guy who's showing dick root, you know what I mean? Like the base of your cock. You're pulling your shorts down to base your cock like that. You're doing that because you're trying to get laid. Stop. Pull your fucking shorts up to a normal height.

Those things should be five inches higher. I know what you're doing. Your cock is slapping against your thing. You probably don't even have underwear on, you fucking creep. Jesus does not want you dressing like that. No! And look at him. He he's got abs big old handsome guy he probably dicks chicks down for the lord right yeah dicks dicks him down for jesus that's right look at him big old handsome charismatic guy dicking him down for jesus apparently he's a very he's always get hanging with oprah

so you know he's a very He's always hanging with Oprah So you know he's legit They're all in the same business They're selling hope Selling hope Hope and joy Hey maybe he's good at it You know maybe he's got something Maybe he helps people

I'm suspicious I'm suspicious because of his shorts Just that alone That should be on the wall All over his church This is me at my worst. Well, the worst thing you can do as an adult

is to go out and try and find parents again. Yeah. That's the quickest way to end up in the trunk of somebody's fucking car. Find someone

to take care of you? Yeah, well, you see, if your parents didn't pay attention to you or overly coddled you, I think then you go out and you start looking

for a mom and a dad and a mom you start looking for a mom and a dad, a mom and a dad, and a mom and a dad, and you just give away all this fucking power. You can never give power away to someone who shows dick root. When they pull their shorts down to the base of their cock like that,

as far as you can legally get your shorts down without showing your dick. As long as the pubes are trimmed, I don't think there's anything wrong. It's okay? It's all right. That's interesting, right? Because if the pubes weren't trimmed,

it would be a problem. Because he got chaos down there, and he pulled it out, and you could see the chaos. Like, basically, there's a lot of pubes that you could see right there. You could see a lot of pubes. But if you did, it would be a real issue. Isn't that interesting? The same exact area is okay if you're only seeing skin. But if you saw pubes right there, you'd be like, what in the fuck what are you doing that is so not acceptable in public that like that is uh

that's almost like the male version of a thong like if a guy could wear a thong but it might be worse but it's funny though at least if you have a thong on you just a freak like i'm a freak i know i gotta be honest. Naked guy, always funny. It's pretty funny. Naked guy, funny. It depends. It depends on the situation.

Depends on the guy. Well, if you're alone and somebody jumped out of a bush, I mean, that's not a funny naked guy. But back in the day when streaking. That's right. When a guy would jump out and run across a football field, I mean, it was the funniest. It was just the funniest fucking thing ever. They would tackle the guy.

They always had a silly hat and they would just start fucking running across. You know what would always get me? I would tense up when I would see them tackle him because I would think about his dick. His raw dick

smashing into the dirt. Oh, dude, I saw a guy when I was at Boston University Terriers game. They don't even play soccer anymore. Nickerson Field. And my godfather

took me to the game and we were sitting there and this fucking all he had was a bandana on and he was streaking across the field and we were fucking crying laughing

and security was chasing us really fast. He had a bandana and like these fucking like you know Adidas dragons you know, Adidas dragons. You know, it was way back in the day, right? Fucking ran across. And he tried to jump over this fucking concrete thing.

And he didn't land with his junk. It was his inner thigh on the other one. I was just like, oh. He got over. And as far as I know, he got away. But, I mean, dude, it was just, it wasn't even like it wasn't nice concrete it was that rough unfinished shit and he tried to hurdle it and he got he got his junk he got everything over and it was that other let other leg nice fucking raspberry it's amazing how vulnerable

your dick is your dick and balls just just a simple simple trip with no pants on and slam down on your dick. You're just in horrible agony. You would think there'd be some sort of junk rib cage, you know, to try and protect it, but it just. Some sort of turtle shell. No, it isn't. It's just fucking. Nothing.

Just out there. Just out there. Yeah, it's a terrible design. And that's why. Well, the function is, I mean, it's a terrible design. And that's why... Well, the function is, I mean, it has to go in, you know, in case you didn't notice, in case you haven't been using your dick, you know what it's for. So something's got to be vulnerable, you know? It's like the Death Star.

Well, it's also because the temperature, that's what it's for. Temperature of your body heats up too much, it kills your sperm. So if your balls were internal and you were running around exercising, you would cook all your sperm. So the balls are hanging low on the outside. Well, why can't it go in and out like one of those electric antennas? Maybe in the future it will. Yeah. Maybe if people keep evolving.

It comes in, it goes out. Yeah. People keep evolving, you find a way to suck it up into your body. That was the thing that we'd always hear about Weichiru guys. Weichiru is a very particular hard style of karate. And guys would literally get kicked in the balls. They would kick each other in the balls. And the idea was that, under some dubious instructors,

the idea was that these guys could actually suck their testicles up into their body. Like they would train to pull their testicles up into their body. And one day I talked to a doctor and he's like, that's not possible. No, it isn't. I'm like, no. But they think they can. But some guys can develop the ability to take a shot to the nuts. And one day I talked to a doctor and he's like, that's not possible. No, it isn't. I'm like, no. But they think they can. But some guys can develop the ability to take a shot to the nuts.

Like there's been studies done on it. There was one of those sports science shows where these guys, they measured like the amount of force that a guy is throwing at this guy's dick when he punts him in the dick. And the guy's standing there like this. And he lets people just fucking straight up punt him right in the balls, and he can take it. Doesn't that affect his, you know, if he wants to be a dad? It's definitely not good.

There's a trick to it. There's certainly a trick. The trick would be that even though you are definitely making contact with the balls, really most of the force is in the taint and the back of the ass because, you know, You're kicking somebody right Your foot extends past where your shin is Right Your shin is here

Your foot is here So if your foot is slamming into the guy's ass And taint It's really not a lot of impact I've been kicked in the balls at least a hundred times Hard By grown men who know how to kick By black belts I've been kicked in the balls at least 100 times. Hard. By grown men who know how to kick. By black belts.

I've been kicked in the balls so many times. Because when you're sparring, you get kicked in the balls all the time. I mean, all the time. You probably just get used to the pain. I thought, before I had kids, I thought, my fucking balls are probably totally useless. I'm like, I'm shooting blanks for sure. I just thought all the times I've been slammed into the balls. I'm like, I'm shooting blanks for sure.

I just thought all the times I've been slammed into the balls. I mean, I've worn every fucking cup there is, especially back when I was competing. Now they have some pretty sophisticated cups with Diamond MMA as this cup that's got a compression short, and it sucks down into you, and it's really hard rubber on the outside, and you can actually take a good shot to the balls, and it's not going to kill you. But back when I was doing it, you would get those jocks. It would just be a cup that fits in a jock strap, and you pull them up. And then eventually they made some for martial arts where it just curved under a little bit more,

and the cup went back to your taint. And the downside of that was there was a lot of abrasiveness when you were throwing kicks. It would rub against your inner thigh, and there was no compression of abrasiveness when you were throwing kicks. It would like rub against your inner thigh. And there was no compression shorts back then either. But I've absolutely been, I could fucking bet everything I have, I've been kicked in the balls a hundred times. No question about it.

They should take like a fucking, you know, like they do like a mold. They should do a mold of your junk and make it custom. They should, right? Remember that group that used to do like a mold of like all the rock stars' dicks? Oh, yeah, that's right. Like a fleshlight for porn stars. Yeah. They do that.

So they would. So it fits secure. Yeah. I don't know. You get a gross look on your face. I don't know. It's just, yeah, I get weirded out by, yeah, I get secure. Yeah. I don't know. You got a gross look on your face. I don't know. It's just, yeah, I get weirded out by, yeah, I get weirded out by that shit. Fleshlights?

Yeah. Like, once there's the non-human element and, like, hey, you want to fuck this thing that isn't alive? There's just something, like, you know. Yeah, that's just fucking. This is my asshole. This is a rubber version of my asshole. Yeah, I always... I always, yeah.

Back in the day when you wanted to get porn, you had to go into a store. I just... That stuff always... It just seems serial killer, like body part type shit. Dehumanizing. Yeah. It's very effective, though. The Fleshlight was a sponsor for a while.

I remember. In the early, early days, yeah. Those things were great. I'd stopped using them though. Even though it was the sponsor, I had to try it. I had to try it. After a while, I was like, what am I doing? You did it for your listeners.

Oh yeah, that's it. Only for the listeners. It's very effective. Okay. Do you know about this? What's that? It's called a vajinkle. What? Oh, Jesus Christ. it's a how do you how do you not like become like how does that not do brain damage to fuck that oh jesus that's so disgusting can you you think it's bad getting caught jerking off can you imagine if you're

slamming this foot into your fucking... First of all, it looks real enough that you fucking killed somebody. It looks real. And now you're fucking... Oh my God, you can fuck a whole leg. That is crazy how realistic that looks. It looks like she's hanging from the ceiling. Dude, this is...

She even has like the skin of her heel. Looks like it's kind of mushy a little bit, right? Like it's moving around because... This site might get a little weirder too. It says you can build your own mannequin here. Okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here. Yeah, we are... What are you doing? I'm in synthetics.

That's what that's called. Synthetics. You make like parachutes and stuff? Something like that. Something like that. What is it about feet? You ever want to fucking elbow? If you do, here's my business card.

I don't know. That's when, I think you buy that and a few weeks later you buy a giant freezer. Just think you're going down that road man yeah it ain't good does not good which i honestly think like there's so many people that had tendencies that never when you're just living in log cabins and shit like you just never were able to explore and i i feel like the same way you know i can watch all these people building cars and stuff, or you can tap into some dark shit about yourself, and that thing opens the coffin lid and sits up,

and then that's in your fucking personality now. It's a very, I don't know. I try to stay away from shit like that. Well, especially if you're a kid that's been abused. I think that's the real trigger. The real trigger is kids that get abused, they get abused young, and then they develop this anger, this hatred. And then as they get older, then they find these weird outlets, and then they pursue

them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can attest to a lot of that. Basically describe my fucking life. So anyways, we're going to gonna fucking let's go get in the

sauna let's do it we'll wrap this up ladies and gentlemen jesus christ now i'll be looking at your fucking foot when i'm in there yes please show me something else yeah perish o'Neill Comedy Benefit February 19th an amazing lineup for the greatest live comic I ever fucking saw Big Jay Oakerson

Chris Redd Cypher Sounds Gary Goleman Jim Gaffigan Michelle Wolfe Rich Voss and other people that will

I'll try to talk Joe into flying out there for it in the sauna when he gets fucking delirious enough hell of a show ladies and gentlemen one of these years one of try to talk Joe into flying out there for it in the sauna when he gets fucking delirious enough. Hell of a show, ladies and gentlemen. One of these years. One of these years we've got to get you out there. I'll be happy to.

Okay. And then F is for Family. Season three. Season three. Streaming now on Netflix. Streaming now. God damn. Woo!

All right. Thanks, everybody. Thank you, Joe. Bye. Bye. Bye. I love you. Bye.