The Joe Rogan Experience - #1220 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now” available on Spotify.

I always act like there is. I assume there is. Yeah, always assume. Woo! Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Merry Christmas.

It's fucking on. You understand me? It's Christmas Eve. You thought it was going to be ho-hum? Fuck you. Uncle Joey, Joe Rogan here, fucking live, Christmas Eve, talking about bugs in your house and how easy it is for the feds. They don't need to bug your house anymore.

They just use your phone. They just turn them on. Jamie, tell them what you were telling me about the AirPods. Oh, yeah. There's a new setting on the new operating system where your AirPods, you turn on this thing called Live Listen, and it's listening to the microphone on your iPhone. So you can leave your phone in a room,

walk out, and you just made your own bug. But that means that anybody that can then access your phone could probably also listen if they have access to that. I don't know how strong that is. But they've already said, like if you talk to anybody

that knows what's possible with electronics, they're going to already turn your microphone on anytime they want. Bro, when I was a kid, I grew up in that bookmaking shit, and there were certain bookmakers that wouldn't talk in a room that there was a phone in the room. Smart ones. In the 70s.

They would not talk, not on the phone, but if there was a phone in the room, they would leave the room. Yeah. That's at Icicle. These guys are super paranoid. They were 30 years ahead of their time. Well, you remember how they got Vincent the Chin. They started bugging cars along the way where he would walk.

He would walk with his bathrobe like he was crazy, and he would give everybody instructions, and he would do it on his walk so he couldn't get bugged anywhere. So they started bugging the cars along his walk route. That's how they got him. And they get you with the mic. Yeah. With the same microphone with the blonde the same

microphone they use in the nfl when you hear all those tackles and grunts in the old days they had i don't know what the parabolic mic takes vibrations from glass yeah so i could just point this laser at your glass with speakers on and it'll take whatever you're saying in a room and bounce it off the glass. I've heard it. There's a recording of it. This is in the fucking 80s, so by now it's world class. They're listening to everything.

Everything. Anything and everything. When I go in the bathroom on a plane, you have to assume they're watching you. I used to go in there and do blasts of coke. I would always pull my pants down, go through the whole process like i was shitting i wasn't really shitting i just always thought there was a camera there well you probably be correct i've heard things that are just horrid about vegas in the 80s how they had cameras in rooms well vegas in the 80s was all mob vegas and the bathrooms have cameras so as soon as you do a blast, you come out within 10 minutes, the cops are around you.

When did the mob officially get out of Vegas? The mob is still in Vegas, just in short spurts. It's crazy. I was in New York last week, and I realized how much construction was going on. And I thought to myself, how much of that is the mob still getting? They had a tax for years, 2%. So if it's a $300 million job, do the math on that. You make a big chunk on that. You know, Trump didn't get rich because the construction business is huge. And you go to New York, you know, I can't give you

accurate numbers because I don't know what numbers are. But look what the average is for a square foot of concrete in New York.

And look what the average is in Iowa. I was reading something about that. The square foot of concrete to build a building in New York. It's insane.

The concrete is fucking insane. So much money. So many hands are getting fucking greased. You know, you don't pay a job, okay? So you don't pay. It's like that one episode of The Sopranos.

So what I do is break your balls. You're a GC. You don't want to pay me my money. That's fine. I sent somebody from the union down there. And instead of me doing this, come on through. I got to stop you. I got to take your book.

I got to call the union to see if you're paid up with your dues. We check your tire pressure. Let's count the windows on the truck. Pretty soon you got 30 trucks backed up, and you're not making any money. That's how they'd shake you down. That's the shakedown. Oh, you pay me. Okay, the trucks go through.

Don't worry. We're tying them. We don't care who the driver is. We don't pay me. Okay, the trucks go through. Don't worry. What's on them? We don't care who the driver is. We don't care if he's union or non-union. It's such a dirty business at that level. That's the shakedown. So Trump would be the GC on the job. You pay.

Your job runs smooth. You don't pay. So 2% of it went to the mob, the concrete tax. Then they had like another 2% right off the top to bid rig. Bid rig. Bid rig where we give it to Joe Rogan no matter what the price is. We inflate the price. Even though Jamie comes in $3 million cheaper,

I'm going to give Joe Rogan that $3 million and two more. Joe Rogan's going to kick that $2 million to me. And we're going to give Joe Rogan that three and two more. Joe Rogan's going to kick that two to me. And we're going to do the job. But that $3 million profit plus, I'm going to take 2% off the top of that $3 million profit. You know what I noticed when I was a kid when I was working construction? One of the first things I noticed. It's one of the weird businesses that's run almost exclusively by men. Like manly men

Like the construction guys were burly dudes with big fucking hands They worked hard and they were like these were like rough guys, but they were running a big business It's like all these other businesses if you think about businesses you think about computers. You don't think about rugged, burly guys. But computers and construction are just as common. Everybody needs a computer. Everybody needs a house. Construction's everywhere. It's a gigantic business.

And it's run, at least back in Boston, when I was working as a laborer, it was run by these big savages. They're fucking big dangerous guys but it's gotten more diverse now because the unions have made you hire more women when i was an electrician like three months in there was a female supervisor who knew her shit a dad you know her dad was an electrician when was a kid, that was a fucking day job. And men had a tough time working for her. I clicked with her. She was easy. She would leave me the fuck alone.

Well, sometimes men can't. They just have a real hard time with a woman telling them what to do. They would have a hard time. Me, I didn't mind it at all. I didn't give a fuck. I liked her. If someone's great at their job, they're great at their job. They're great at their job.

I don't give a fuck what their gender is. That's a weird thing that a lot of guys have, right? You know, female trainers. For good reason, not for bad. Female trainers. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people don't go for that. You know who's got a female trainer?

Yoel Romero. One of the best motherfuckers of all time. What is she training him in? I don't know, man. Strength and conditioning. She was strength and conditioning training him in this video I was watching. Busting his ass. Well, even like that.

That guy's super savage. Make sure I'm right about that. Make sure I'm right about that. Because if it's not Yoel, it's someone equally savage. Someone who's just a fucking super alpha. I mean, no one's a super alpha like Yoel. When we had him in the podcast, I was looking at him sitting there. I was like, this guy is built.

He's not even a real person. He's so jacked. It took me 12 hours to get over him. I remember that night we both had spots at the store. And I pulled you aside and I go, what do you really think? What do you really think? I mean, is this guy shooting D-ball? Or is this something that just.

I think it's genetics. I think he has super freak genetics. Well, when we went to eat, I went to New York last week. I purposely went to La Sorrentina. It's a restaurant in North Bergen run by this dude named Jocko. Jesus Christ, the spaghetti with the tiny meatballs. I couldn't even finish it. But one of his waiters was a wrestler.

Came over in a raft, listened to the podcast, and he was saying how he wasn't that good he was on the bottom floor he ate the scraps and he but he goes yeah i know you well from back there just last week think about the other super athletes that have come out of cuba that have gotten into mma and boxing okay hector lombard dude a lot of people they might look at hector lombard. Dude, a lot of people, they might look at Hector Lombard because of some of his tough fights that he had in the UFC later in his career. But if you go back and watch Hector Lombard when he was running shit in Bellator, those were probably his prime years.

He was the champion in Bellator. I mean fucking smashing people. Smashing people. At 185 pounds. And then he came over to the UFC. He fought 185, but there's some big ass 185s in the UFC, man. I mean, Hector, what do you think? He's 5'9"?

Really? No. No. I think he's either my height or I'm 5'8", he's either my height or he's an inch taller. But he's just so jacked. When he was smashing people early in his career, man,

I always wanted to get him in the UFC. I was like, this guy needs to come over. He was so athletic, man. And he's a judo player. I mean, look how fucking jacked Hector is. He was a judo player for Cuba. But I'm telling you, man, you could take all the steroids in the world you're not going to move like this guy moves josh lombard uh josh barnett rather told me that uh hector lombard when he went to the gym

could just do muscle up after muscle up he never even trained it before you know it's jimmy will tell you it's fucking hard to do a muscle up he just grabs that bar he's a super athlete he's just had a lot of really really rough fights against the best fighters in the world and i really think that some of his best fights you can say like maybe he was tested more and i think he certainly was tested more here in the ufc than he was in bellator certainly the caliber of competition is far greater. But I also think fighters have a window of opportunity for the most part, for most of them. There's exceptions where they can extend that window. The experts seem to think the window is around nine years.

This is not a number that I invented. I don't think so. But it's a number that I agree with. In terms of the best you have, you might be able to do it for nine years. Like Fedor. The longevity of an NFL running back is three and a half years, which blew my mind. That's crazy. That blew my mind.

Then I started thinking about it. I thought about all the greats. I thought about Earl Campbell and Jim Brown. I thought about those guys. I thought about their injuries. How lucky you have to be. Okay, now the UFC as a fighter, how many people actually did fight in the UFC for nine years straight so far?

A lot. There's been quite a few. A lot. But at the same time, there's been a lot of guys that have had great potential. And by the fourth or fifth fight, they've moved on. Well, you know, everybody's different. This is the thing. Everybody's different in terms of their ability to recuperate.

Everybody's different in terms of their style. Like some guys just don't take much damage. You know, something like Ben Askren, perfect example. Never fought in the UFC, but when you watch him fight in these other organizations, the thing that's most interesting is that he doesn't take any damage. You could say he's boring if you want to. I don't think it's boring. I think it's super high-level wrestling.

And you need to see how that shit would fly against the best in the world. I mean, that's why he's here now. I'm very excited about this. But he's a perfect example of, like, he doesn't have any problems. That guy's been fighting for a long time. You talk to him's as lucid as they come he's articulate he's very smart very well educated reads books all the time he'll send me recommendations for books very very interesting guy so you got those guys who like he could do it for a long fucking time because he's not taking a beating when you start taking a beating man you know some guy sometimes guys try to get back in there too soon and they're still hurting you know from from a fight like a really bad knockout or uh just sometimes even just getting beaten up

is where like even if you don't get stopped like you incur more damage that way you know for in a long ass fight than you would in a quick KO. Like in Glory, you know Joseph Valtellini, do you know that guy? Bazooka Joe? He was their champion and he won the title against Mark DeMont after the fight couldn't fight again.

His concussions were so bad, he couldn't look at the light from an iPhone charger. A laptop charger, the little light from that thing charger, like a laptop charger. The little light from that thing would be blinding to him. He had to be in a dark room for three weeks. CBD oil brought him out of it. When I think of fighters

and what happens during a fight, I go back all the way to Bernard Hopkins against Felix Trinidad. Because you brought it up to my attention. I never even knew about that world. He never came back. Never was the same.

Who's the guy that went the distance that's now in Bellator, fights out of GSB's camp? Really tough guy, went five rounds with fucking, what's his name, and Rory McDonald. Rory, yes.

Rory, after that fight that he had, he was never really the same type of fighter. The Robbie Lawler fight? The Robbie Lawler fight. Fights affect you in different ways. The beating you take affects you in different ways. I want to see what the kid that Edson Barbosa fights with next time, how he comes out. He took a ferocious beating against at Edgar Edson yeah that last fight before Al Akinta and Kevin Lee see but Rory I gotta disagree because after that fight he looked phenomenal in Bellator in his first who was his first fight in been up

Bellator was it Paul Daly he fought but then the next fight he didn't do well. Lima's a beast, though, dude. Yeah, Lima's a beast. Lima's a monster, man. Douglas Lima's a fucking straight-up killer. You know, and in comedy sometimes... Was it Pauly Daly? Yeah. So he manhandled Pauly Daly.

Right. It was a very smart fight because he fought really well on his feet first, threatened Daly a little bit on his feet, and then took him down and dominated him on the ground. And it was a very impressive win but then he fought see fighting musasi i think was probably not the but you know you never know you know you got to test yourself there's only one way to do that and he knows better than anybody i mean the guy's in it to test himself now he knows that he can't beat musashi at least at this point in his life. But he's a smart kid, Ben.

He's an animal, too. I mean, that guy is so focused. No, I'm not saying anything. I just thought that a lot of times after battles, people don't come back the same. I agree on some of them, but I don't agree with him. The guy from Texas that took GSP to the fucking zoo and fought him all the way there. Yeah.

He never came. Some people give it all you got. Yep. That give it all you got moment. It's how to react after that. What's going to happen? How is Kevin Lee going to come back? Yeah.

Against Iacquinta. You always have those questions, which is a great fight, by the way. Amazing fight. You know, the fight I was most excited about this weekend was Michael Chiesa, Carlos Conduit. Right. It's a good fight. Let's see what Carlos Conduit. You know, Carlos Conduit has been around for a long fucking time.

His name is Condit, but. Condit. He knows I'm his brother and I'm one of his biggest fans. And if I was in the mafia, I'd hire him from the UFC a long time ago. Because he's an assassin. He's like a realized John Wick. You just give him a gun with a silencer yeah and a pencil and let him do the rest go down there you could switch his mind quick

with 600 000 a week i want to say that his uh ufc was his debut against brock larson was that it was that his debut or was it was that in the wec i feel like that was in the WEC. I feel like his debut was against... Shit. Was it Jake? Martin Kampen was his debut? That's what I thought. There it is. Okay. In Nashville.

They fought in Nashville. But he fought Jake Allenberger too, right? Yeah. Jake Allenberger. Oh, that was Jake Allenberger's first fight in the UFC. Yeah. Dude, Jake Allenberger was another one, man. Super fucking dangerous for a long time, man.

You ever see before he fought in the UFC when he knocked out Pele with one punch? Let me tell you something. He caught a beating at my office about three weeks ago. He came into my office. He's the nicest guy in the world. I heard you. I heard you dosed him up. I gave him a bong hit of this shit.

That was 31%. He couldn't answer questions. Oh, no. Dog, it was like fucking, he's the best. The poor bastard. He didn't know how to drive home. Yeah, folks. He Ubered home.

Nada was not around. Vodka was not around. They would have broke their system for a week. If you think Brock Lesnar's system disappeared in the fucking system, whatever. Oh, my God. Poor Jake Ellenberger. We took him deep. I haven't seen it, but I've heard.

He told me. He goes, you know, I don't smoke much. I go, then do a little bong hit. And I asked him a question after that. He was just frustrated. I love him to death. He's coming back on to redeem himself. He said he's never smoking again, but that was his toughest battle.

Yeah, you can't. That's too much. Most people can't. That's a three-foot bong. Well, not only that, Joey. For most people that don't do podcasts all the time, getting on your podcast is a mind fuck. Like, I can't believe I'm here. I'm sitting here with Uncle Joey.

Holy shit. And then, boom, that 30 how many percent 31 that's so high this is alien oh gee this is in in just as a for people that don't know the numbers let's find out what the numbers actually are like what was what percentage thc was marijuana in the 1970s i want to say it was like eight to ten probably and then i'm just guessing it's so funny how okay i grew up i grew up in new york new jersey so i would go to harlem and what we had available to us was uh panama red colombian gold i could be verse of verse i could be wrong on the names was Panama Red, Colombian Gold. I could be verse of verse. I could be wrong on the names.

And then you had from Jamaica, you had this weed called Lamb's Bread. And then all of a sudden in the 80s, this green weed came along, and they called it Sensimilla. So I was copping on 148th Street then, and he would either sell you Chocolate Tie, which is Lamb's Bread, or he would sell you a sense of media.

Or he would put them together and call it the master mix. And if you bought 10 bags of the master mix, you got one for free. He gave you a punch card. This is why Narcos make. He gave you a real punch card? Yeah, 1982, 83. That's hilarious. The guy was in the middle of the corner hanging out and the funny thing was

i went back in 85 and he looked me straight in the face and he's like there ain't no weed on this block no more dog crack like it had just converted to crack but this is why watching i told you that watching that narcos mexico those first two episodes is so important because was Mexico, those first two episodes are so important because it's like sometimes when you watch a TV show, it's really hard to believe that one day some Spanish guy that couldn't even speak English said, hey, how come there's not three cameras here? His name is fucking loose Desi Arnaz. Desi Arnaz invented the three camera shoot. Did you know that?

That's hilarious. That Desi Lou productions, all that shit. He invented that? He's the one that said, why is there two, eight white people sitting around? Get two more cameras. Let's go. Andele. The guy that, the principal guy in Narcos this

year is a character who grew weed in the desert. I want you to think about that. It had never been even thought of before. but by doing that I don't know the science so please Joe Rogan people don't torture me he eliminated the male plant

to make the female stronger the only way you could grow that is in the desert so he found water in the desert why is it the only way you can grow it in the desert something about the climate to so that it's like the immaculate conception well you get pregnant without getting pregnant so you eliminate the male plants or

something i do not know this we gotta hide this information you have to watch it and right we have to hide this information from women so there's no seeds and the reefer gets stronger that started in the 80s. That's why if you watch Narcos Mexico, it shows you how that whole thing started. And they were pumping 15 metric tons a year into the United States of this shit. So green weed became the Mexican green weed

was what we started smoking. I got to say that average was maybe 15 then, like the strongest. And then there's weeds now that I buy that are 21%. They take me to the fucking mountain. But that 28 and above and a bong, you're doomed. Yeah. You're stuttering.

You're mumbling. You fucking can't focus. I like that feeling at night when I listen to music. I'm a big music... Like, one night I called you. It was, like, October 3rd. And I was going to call you to tell you that I'd love to participate in Sober October. But because of my love for music, it's not going to happen.

Because my thing is to go home at night, or sometimes I go to the office. Like I told you, my house is dead at 20 to 9. The kid goes to bed at fucking 8.3030 and my wife's in bed 10 minutes later So some nights I don't have a spot on a podcast. I just go to my office I bring a notebook on an iPad and I get stoned and I put an old album on I go down Road and I just get fucked up and listen to that music. I love it. You're okay. That's my hobby and Once a week I go to the album store, and I buy a new album, a new vinyl album.

Lately, I went down that Led Zeppelin two-road. That's one of the greatest, dirtiest, filthiest albums. And it opens up with a whole lot of love. It's just dirty. And then Lemon Song, and then Heartbreaker. It's just dirty. And then Lemon Song. And then Heartbreaker. It's just dirty. Damn. And then I've been listening to fucking Physical Graffiti.

I love going into those foxholes where the night's stone to the gills. Yeah, there's something about that music. They were the first drug culture music in America, right? If you think about it, like Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. The Beatles showed up clean. Then they went to India. They grew longhand.

They came back with those four albums. Then there was Rumors of Acid. If you listen to the, you know, one, I think it's Revolve, one of those, John Lennon spreads acid right bond then that was it I mean, there's a there's a lot of musicians from that era that are great that aren't associated with drugs But if you think of Hendrix if you think of I mean Hendrix was always associated with drugs, right Janis Joplin always associated with drugs You know good or bad it's it's very interesting. It's very interesting. The sound is so, it lasts.

Like, it's so relevant. If you listen to some Zeppelin today, it's still so goddamn good. They were so good. So good. They were so good. There's a song on Zeppelin, too, called Bring It On Home at the end. He comes out, like, with a harmonica slow then jimmy

page kicks in with the guitar your heart stops yeah like your heart stops like you like i should do i jump out a window like led zeppelin 2 there's a couple albums i got in that office that i put on that are such a part of my childhood like i think about my mom coming in the room saying yelling lower that devil music you know what i'm saying like buy some music and i would blast it at six in the morning the neighbors next door were jehovah witnesses and he would knock on my door you have to please lower your music i would i never loaded lowered At that age, I had efficient stereo, okay, and I already knew not to get components. Like, I was already hip. Like, I never bought the album with the 8-track and the cassette. Fuck you. I bought an amp, and I bought a cassette deck, and

I had a turntable, and I would fucking blast it. I don't know where I got the speakers from. I bought them. They fell off a truck. I love music loud. I still, every time, until this day, every time Led Zeppelin's final album comes out, you know, in through the outdoor, comes on the radio or something,

I think of my mother banging on the door freshman year going, if I got to knock on this door one more time, I'm throwing that stereo out the window. Like 7 in the morning, I had it at full fucking speed. Rolling the joint, getting ready to walk up the hill, smoking a joint. I wouldn't smoke at the house, nothing like that.

She had no idea. Were you playing album albums? Were you a record player? Yeah. Fuck it. I still do it. Were you playing album albums? Were you a record player? Yeah. Fuck, I still do it. Did you have a good needle? Remember you would go over to dudes' houses and they had a special needle? I had a good needle.

I just went and got new needles. I had to order them online. Do you remember that though? Are you impressed if a guy had a fucking cool looking needle? I had a friend that had a reel to reel jimmy do you actually remember this i had a record player at my house for sure wow you had a reel to reel a friend of mine had a reel to reel in high school oh my god and the sound he bought the

speakers and everything the sound you could hear like the the musician pulling away from the microphone like this sound was that good. So when he's playing this reel-to-reel, he's got like a projector screen type deal? No, he had a room like this, and he had a shelf, and on the shelf he had speakers, and he had a reel-to-reel. I think I've seen that forever.

He would connect it, and it would have two or three hours of music on it. So whenever he would have a party, he would just put on the reel-to-reel. Wow. At that time, that was the threat, that it's going to reel-to-reel. That's what I'm talking about. It looks like a projector, right? It's going to reel-to-reel.

Fuck. That's the new threat. That's crazy. That never made it. It went from albums to cassettes to cds so if you put something through that you would have to kind of like do it like you were working in a projection room you take the yeah it's just magnetic from one of them and it works almost it's it's just really large cassette tape player i just forget how he put the music on there i forget how he put the

music on there could you buy music on it i think on there. Could you buy music on it? I think so at that time. There's a record button on this too, it looks like. So you could have recorded something on there if you had a cable to plug it into it. Yeah, I forget how he did it. How would they make copies? The same way you'd put your original would be like on the left. You'd have to feed it. You'd need a copier.

You couldn't do it with this machine probably. The same way people did with VCR copies back in the early 80s you know oh right tape to tape you'd is it the same thing how it would degrade like with each generation you get porns from your friend and it was like like someone threw mud in your eye you try to watch what the fuck is happening on the screen because it was so many generations of copied do you remember when porn was watched like this i don't remember but i heard about it and i remember um that movie about the dude from hogan's heroes that was a uh he he was on hogan's heroes and after hogan's heroes he just went around making his own homemade porn and he you

know he had one of these kind of things on one of the home projector type deals. Porn came, porn in those days, if you went to the back of a dirty magazine, not Playboy and not Penthouse, but anything else, they would actually send you a projector with three movies for, say, $14.95. It was a low-end projector. It was probably going to work 10 times, but at least you got to watch porn. And they'd send you a reel-to-reel. That was so bad. Porn was so bad.

And I still remember a story with me and my friends chipping in and getting the fucking reel-to-reel with the thing and plugging it in the wall and putting sheets on the windows. And it was just horrible, horrible porn. Like chicks they would find off the streets, flapjack titties, somebody turned cigarettes off on a chest. And this chick was half on drugs and she had to suck the guy's dick. And the most vivid picture I remember is when she took the mayonnaise with the bread.

Like, she was sucking this guy's dick. The guy's dick had been beat up. And she took mayonnaise, Miracle Whip. That's why I never liked Miracle Whip. She put it on the bread and made a dick sandwich and put it into his dick. And it was like me and three other 12-year-olds. Dog, we almost had a heart attack.

Do you understand me? Like our heads blew up. Like, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. Turn it off. Who wants this fucking projector? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was a cheap, cheap, cheap little projector. You had to put a sheet up on the wall and use it as a screen.

You had to fucking shade up all your windows in the attic because I used to do it in my attic because my mother wasn't home. So the first viewing party we had was in my attic. You had to send the money order, and you had to send $1.95 for shipping and handling, S&H. And then it would take six weeks to delivery. So you couldn't send it to your house. So I would have to send it to Rogan's house because I knew his mother and his grandmother worked all day.

So they'd never be home. So they would just drop the package off in front of your house. If one of our mothers found that package, we'd be dead. We'd be fucking dead. Can you imagine your mother putting it in and all of a sudden some chick makes with some mirrored coip on a piece of bread and eats into the fucking your dick?

You'd think moms today probably wouldn't even flinch. What if what? If they found their kid with something like that on his computer. Are you fucking kidding me? Every mom, you talk to any mom who's a 15 year old and go, do you think your son's getting laid? She's like, stop it. I don't

want to hear that. That's true. No mom wants to hear their son getting laid. The first girl you brought over the house actually bothered your mother. Oh, I'm sure. The first two girls you brought home actually bothered and irritated the shit out of your mother.

It took your mom a while because you're always going to be that little boy. I can't imagine him getting his dick sucked. I just put diapers on him 10 years ago. You know what else they worry about? They worry about you getting somebody pregnant because you're so stupid. When you're 15, 16, 17. You guys are just doing stupid shit. You know? You don't really know how to pull out that good.

How good are you at that? It's not very good. You know? When you were that young, I mean, your parents are worried about you doing something dumb. Your parents are worried about you getting pregnant.

But they also don't want you having sex. I had this skinny girlfriend. Like, I always had girls that were friends. And after the girls would leave, my mom would pull me aside and say, what's going on? And I'd go, nothing. You know, she's just a friend. And I would scream out of the house. I can't believe it.

You know, and they were friends. But there was this one skinny girl that I used to bring over in the seventh grade. And my mother caught us one afternoon. Like, she caught us making out. So she asked me as a man. She goes, from now on, do me a fucking favor. If she's here and I'm downstairs, just leave the door open. My mom was one of those, dog.

She was one of those. Just do me a favor. Just for me to be the least amount of time. When I leave, lock the door. But if I'm here, just leave the door open. And I would leave it open, the foot, and then try this, eight-inch it,

six-inch it, and she would have to come up and say, oh, Santoni, what did I tell you? Leave the fucking door open. And then you're an animal at that age. So at that age, you finally talk a mental image. Because all I was doing was dry-humping this girl. That's all i was doing was dry humping this girl that's all i was doing we weren't having sex i think i sucked the tits one time you know we

weren't having sex we were just making out and dry humping but one day i had my mom had the barstool and she would just come home in the afternoons to see if i was at this broad and one day i didn't hear her and she brought one of her friends up, one of her friends with her. And I'm in there just swapping, spitting with the chick, but I hear something on the wall. Like something's going on.

But I kept dry humping her. We had earth, wind, and fire on. Can't hide love. Great fucking hour. That's the way of the world. I'm dry humping this chick to that. And all of a sudden I hear a ladder slip. And the guy starts yelling.

And I ran downstairs. There was one of my mother's friends, Arnardo. He used to be a bookie at my mother's bar. So my mother goes, I got to get to the bottom of this. I got to know what this kid's got to lay. So he volunteers to put the ladder get to the bottom of this. I gotta know if this kid's getting laid. So he volunteers to put the ladder at the side of the house

to see if I'm getting laid to look in the window. I had an air conditioner with a curtain. He could never see in anyway. But this girl pissed off my mom for years. This went on for about a year. And then I started taking his shirt off

and sucking the tits. And my dad came home one day and caught him in the closet. And that was the end. And then my mom would give me shit for a little while. I gotta be 12, 13. I'm in the 6th grade. Me and this girl would watch the Osmonds on

Friday and Saturday. Donnie and Marie. And I would get pissed off because she had a crush on fucking Donnie. You know, you're a kid. And then one day, but then we figured out, fuck, if they're going to watch us after 3, why don't we play hooky from 12 to 3? We could dry out for 3 hours and nobody would know your grandmother works. My mother's definitely not coming home. So we used to play hookyy and one day they caught us and her and i had like there was 20 feet between us on a fence their parents had a house right behind mine and my mom

went into the backyard like the fucking spanish woman that she is and started yelling, your daughter's a whore. Oh, no. She's over here every day. I don't know what they do in that room. I hope she's not sucking his dick. Oh, my God. My daughter was just a, my son was a regular little boy until your daughter took over.

And I used to walk her home and I remember walking in the house and the mom was like, can I talk to you for a second? Your mom's out there yelling horrible things about my daughter, calling her a whore and shit. Wow. I had to go home and tell my mom, what's up with that? She's a fucking whore. But it drove my mom crazy.

That woman drove my mom. And after that, I got a girlfriend. No more problems after that. It was just this skinny chick that drove my mother fucking crazy hey they made you man i mean imagine you have a little boy and you take him to the park and he's a cute little fella and he runs and he stumbles and he falls down and he cries and you pick him up and he hugs you and you love him and you're like it's okay you just scrape your knee it's okay and he's crying and crying you feel so bad you feel so bad you get him a band-aid and give him a

kiss and talk to him and hang out with him then he goes to sleep and you sit there and you look at him sleep and you think about how precious he is this little life form that you you're entrusted with you got to take care of 15 later, someone's sucking his dick. Some dirty little girl down the block. God damn it. Look at that. Now he's all into her all the time and obsessed with her. It's driving you nuts.

How's your baby? Your baby is stuck with some tramp. Dirty little tramp. I mean, you and I have daughters. You and I have daughters, which is, uh, that's a hell on earth. Having a daughter is

hell on earth. It's fun now. It's cute. She puts costumes on. She loves Daddy. She watches TV. But there's gonna come a day she wants to go to the mall with her friends. And you have to let her her and you have to worry. And it's not the same world. The world is not the same now and it's not going to be the same when they're older.

It's getting weirder and weirder. You know, people are getting, you know, we were talking earlier about bugs and searches and people being able to turn your microphones on. It is a matter of time before there's no privacy whether it's 50 years whether it's 100 years and i mean i think there's going to be no privacy with anything i don't think with your thoughts i think we're going to this the next thing after cell phones is going to be something that allows us to communicate way easier they're going there's going to within the next 50 years they're going to be something that allows us to communicate way easier. There's going to, within the next 50 years, they're going to come up with some way where we're going to be able to all communicate through a device. And it's going to be better than just talking.

We're going to share thoughts. It's going to get really fucking strange. I'm 100% convinced. I think all this stuff is just getting, everything accelerates, right? It used to be really hard to get a hold of somebody. Now it's really easy to get a hold of somebody. And now people have figured out ways to turn people's microphones on and record them. People are just putting tape over their webcam.

I don't want anybody looking while I'm jerking off. They think someone's going to look through it from the other side. They probably can't. It's going to be a matter of time before everybody can with everybody with everything you do it's going to be there's going to be all all information available to everybody this is going to happen we're so far away from where we were in the 70s so far away so far away so far away and that was our lifetime we can remember the 70s you know 1973 i was six years old okay i remember that i remember i remember the 70s. You know? 1973, I was six years old. Okay?

I remember that. I remember the Vietnam War. I remember when the war ended, thinking when I was a little kid, this is great that the war is over. Because now they know that war is bad. And they won't do any war anymore. The war is over. It's gone. And then when the war started up again, when I was, I think I was 21, when desert storm kicked in i was like holy

they're doing it again me and my friend jimmy detilio we had an apartment in i think it was where were we malden or some i forget where the we were waltham that's where we were we're in waltham we had this apartment and uh we were sitting there on tv we're just sitting in front of the living room i didn't think we had a couch we're just sitting there in the living room watching these fucking missiles flying through the air and i'll never forget he goes buddy looks like we're at war and i was like what how the we're both sitting there going what how the fuck We're at war? I thought we didn't do that anymore. I remember that. I remember that whole, I mean, that time when that was how you got information from the TV is so far removed from today.

Today, everything that happens all the time is coming at you 100 miles an hour from every direction. There's just too much to keep up with. You have to control it, though. You have to control it. You still have to have a life. You still, you know, I don't have Facebook on my phone. I have my email account. I try to keep Twitter off my phone. When I go on the road, the iPad has no Twitter and no Facebook.

It's too much. It's too much and it interferes with who we are. And if you haven't caught that by now, you're not catching this. You know, I'll open up my Twitter on a Saturday just to see who's tweeting. Thinking to myself, what are you doing with your fucking life? That you're tweeting on Friday and fucking Saturday and Sunday? You know, it becomes a little game. It's a little game.

You have to give it a breather. You have to. It's too much news coming at you from 202 on your satellite disk. It's the other thing is? It's too much news. From sports to world news, you got HLN, CNN, and then ESPN. All in a fucking row. It's too fast. It's too quick.

Last week when I was home, my buddy is a cab driver. I took six Ubers on Monday in New York. Tuesday, I just wanted to take a cab driver. I took six Ubers on Monday in New York. Tuesday I just wanted to take a cab. I took my wife to get some real pizza. Roma pizza. The guy that was making pizza there was still there when I was a kid. I drove by one day and I go, he's still in there? So we took a fucking cab.

On the cab, this guy that drove me is a friend of mine. We grew up together since we were 12. And we were talking. I go, that drove me is a friend of mine. We grew up together since we were 12. And we were talking. I go, that's the first gas station I robbed. And then he goes, remember when we were 12 and we were walking home the night Freddie Prince got killed? Wow. Freddie Prince had killed himself the night before. We didn't find out until that 6 o'clock news.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, that was the gap in time so you got your news and even though that was new york it was the city capital who watched tv in the morning maybe they mentioned it in the morning reports out of la freddie prince is in the hospital yeah but you never saw it but no i saw i remember us being out and them saying, Freddie Prince died. He shot himself last night. And I still remember how cold it was. It was January.

Or February. It was fucking freezing. But we were walking home. We were 12. And what do we see in front of us? A guy passed out drunk. Just hammered drunk on the floor. So we're like, hold on. Let's get the money out of his pocket.

You take the bottle. It was like a bottle of Dewars or whatever. So our plan was to take a bottle and shake a bum. What's it called? You roll a bum. Yeah. And we put our hand in his pocket, and he grabbed one of us like Carrie. So next thing you know, the three of us just started kicking him.

Like we must have kicked him 82 times. Oh my gosh. And we ran away in a bottle. He got up and chased us. Oh Jesus. But we knew it was a shirt pad from the cemetery, so we lost him.

Like you get all those weird things. Like that's what I associate with. Like Freddy shot himself at night. They must have mentioned it in the morning. I was too busy going to school, and it wasn't confirmed until the next day. That's how slow news was. Now you're getting news. You're getting hit with 200 stories in 10 minutes.

What happened in France, what Trump decided, what the UFC is doing, what fucking Penny Marshall died. You're getting this thrown at you all day and you really can't control it. It's like your child. You've watched these two young girls grow up. You ever have days where you take them

somewhere, Disney, and it's so much information they gotta go back and take a nap. Yeah. That happens to us still, too. Yeah. That's got to be happening to us. Well, for sure.

It's wearing you out. And a lot of it is really negative, too. You know, that's another part of the problem is what's interesting to people is what's dangerous. And there's not much dangerous. is what's dangerous and there's not much dangerous so what's interesting to people becomes you know being negative being nasty about something complaining about things bitching about that starting starting twitter fights like people enjoy doing it they're like they're looking for for battles you know and i wish there was a way where people could choose to only engage online without insulting people and just trying to get a rise out of people like a troll free way of interacting but it's never going to happen

so you got to kind of accept what it is so if you accept what it is you should be very wary about entering to anything where 60 of what you're experiencing is negative anything anything in life where you're looking at 60 negative you don't have to this is one like being informed is one thing but that's more than just being informed because how much of that information is even valuable to you a lot of it is just getting soaked soaked into these fucking horrible stories you know i mean i went down a rabbit hole the other day reading about these Scandinavian tourists that got beheaded in Morocco in the mountains.

These girls were hitchhiking, and it's fucking horrible. It's horrible, horrible stuff, man. Then I watched a video of it. It's horrible. What's your rule? You know I love you. Rule number one, don't go hitchhiking in Morocco. Mind your fucking business. You know what I'm saying You're rule number one. Don't go hitchhiking in Morocco. Mind your fucking business.

You know what I'm saying? These girls apparently did this all over the world. You talk about a guy that fucking went somewhere and tried to convert a tribe. And they showed up with a fucking Bible. Mind your business. All right, send a fucking Bible via email and do the best you can. There's some people who want to put themselves in danger's way. They don't think they know, man.

I fucking hate all that shit. I fucking hate all that shit. I like controlling my situation. I really do. I don't want to sound shallow. I would love to be able to have a passport and go to China and go to Italy, but I'm not going nowhere where there's nothing fucking crazy going on. I don't need that in my life.

Right. I don't want to hear a bomb when I'm fucking sleeping when I'm in Israel. Talk to Hari the other day, you can hear bombs going off and shit. Fucking Hari's like

telling me jokes on the phone. You hear, and you hear a bomb going off and shit. I don't need that. I don't need none of that shit. That's putting yourself in harm's way.

You know, And I appreciate the balls. I appreciate the balls of you climbing up Mount Najero. I appreciate all that stuff. But it's not in my percentage graph. I believe in percentages. You understand me?

I get it. The other night I read I get high at night, guys. I get it. So it's just, you know, the other night I read, so I get high at night, guys. I do comedy, and to come down, I smoke 55 fucking bonk hits. Sometimes you don't have to say a joke on Twitter. The joke is written. When you read it as a human being, you're saying, this is a very interesting article, but at the same time, it does have elements of humor in it.

There's an article of a hot chick, and it says, mother goes to court to complain about the teacher who fucked a 15-year-old kid because his life has changed. It's never been the same since she fucked him. Sure it hasn't. The kid's never gonna get his dick sucked like that again can you imagine getting a teacher to blow your horn when you're in high school one of those dirty teeth you see the picture of a joe rogan with a fish on a boat with a bikini now you take this chick to the prom and she's sucking your dick crying you know what

i'm saying like i've never done this before you know what i'm saying? Like, I've never done this before. You know what I'm saying? Like, reluctant. Sure, his life has changed. It's a joke. Dog, I got attacked for two days, and I didn't reattack people. I turned it around on them. I called them love, and I said Merry Christmas, and they had nowhere to go. It's so funny that you can get caught in that. They forget we're comedians. We are a tube, a tube that transports something really ugly

into something that's still ugly but a little bit funny to it. I cracked a joke when I found my mother dead on the floor to myself. What did you say? I knew she was never going to know I got left back because I got left back, but I never told her. And it was coming on a year that I had to tell her. She kept asking me, have you chosen a college yet? And I'm in sophomore year.

For three years, I ran a scam on my mother that I didn't tell her. She thought I was a junior. I was really a sophomore. So as soon as I made that turn, I picked her up. I saw her arm was purple. I kissed her forehead, but I remember popping up and going,

I knew this bitch wasn't going to ever find out. I got let back. Before I dialed 911. So if I dropped humor at that situation, that's how I fucking handle myself. Well, that's how you alleviate pressure in your life. Yeah, you have to drop humor. I will drop a bomb on you at a funeral, Joe Rogan.

I will drop a bomb on you at a funeral that you will look at me and go, Joe D is the balls on you, but thank God you came. Did I ever tell you what Dave Foley said when Phil Hartman didn't win an Emmy? What? We were all in the audience, right? We went there to honor him because he got nominated.

And the dude from Frasier won. And Dave Frohlich, he turns to me and Steven Rudy and goes, What the hell did he have to do to win? He goes, he got shot for fuck's sake. Dave Frohlich's a funny one. It really is. People have no idea. I see people arguing now.

Like now as a 55-year-old, you look at it and you go, I threw away 20 years of my life arguing with people that I had no reason to argue with them for. It's not even worth it. If they played the tape back, you'd laugh at yourself and feel horrible. You look at shit now and you go, how does this even affect your life?

I watch those CNNs, like when you're in a hotel room on the weekends, you go down to CNN or see an HNBC political pipe hole. I love those for six minutes to see people get fired up and they attack each other, and everybody's fucking bullshitting. But you sit there and you go, what is the big fucking deal? No matter if fucking Hitler makes a comeback and he's president, you all got to get up and go to work every morning.

It's not like they're giving you money anymore. It's not like somebody's giving you money or they're putting you in a house for free. If Fidel resurfaces from the grave and he's the president, you still got to work. You still got to build houses. You still got to announce the UFCs. So how much does it really affect you at least that's how i've always thought the problem with all these shows is all of them whether it's cnn or fox news or anything is that they're leaning they're leaning somewhere they're leaning

one they're telling you about the news but they're leaning on it in a way they're not just simply recording the facts especially fox news News, right? They lean. I don't know. I don't know what you guys are talking about when you say that, but I will tell you. Really? Yeah. When people talk to me about left and right, I have no idea because I don't even know where I stand on most issues.

But guess what I didn't see in New York and New Jersey last week? What? Take a guess at what I did not see. Homeless people. Really? Maybe because it's so cold. I was homeless for fucking 19 days in New York in December,

from December 12th to the 31st. I got a hotel room maybe 50% of the time. But besides that, I was homeless at one time in 1984. And I asked people, and you go, no, you just don't say it. I saw very small sections of not encampments, but the homeless percentage was smaller. So I asked somebody what that is. How come I have so many homeless people out here?

And they said it's called because they're liberals. I didn't fucking know that's what a liberal was. I had no idea. You mean California's liberals? Yeah. I just try to be a human being.

I don't know. That doesn't make sense. It's like, what does that mean then? Where do the homeless go? Do we make more of them out here? Is that what he's saying? Do you allow it?

He was telling me that Las Vegas ships their homeless. Gives them a bus to California. And 25 bucks. do you allow it that that las vegas he was telling me that las vegas ships they're homeless gives them a bus to california and 25 bucks and with this ship i feel like the shipping is about busting people to like alaska for a little while or something like that yeah a couple years you saw the the tv show wild wild country did you see that? No. It's on the Ragnish. Is that how you say it? Ragnish cult from Oregon. And one of the things they did, they took over the town.

Oh, yeah. I've heard about it. I've watched it. Homeless people in buses. And then had all those people vote. And then they took over the fucking town. They, like, developed a real town and then they took over this one area bust out how america moves its homelessness whoa each year u.s city gives

thousands of homeless people one-way bus tickets out of town an 18-month nationwide investigation by the guardian reveals for the first time what really happens at journey's end whoa that sounds like a m night shamalanamalan movie, right? They kill a bunch of homeless people. Like Satan's involved. It's like they just move them away? Where do they ship them?

I don't know. Looks like they're throwing them down in Miami and in LA. I live in L.A. When I lived in Colorado, in Colorado, people would, the homeless people would commit crimes. They figured out what crimes they would get 60 days for. And they would commit that crime, plead guilty, do the 60 days just to get out of the winter. Because in those days, Boulder would give you tobacco. You were allowed.

They would give you tobacco, but you had to roll it. Really? That type of shit. Boulder County Jail. In 1991, Boulder County Jail and some other jail were voted number one and two jails in the country. Wow. That people wouldn't want to go to those jails.

Then Boulder built a new jail, and it became fucking communist land, like Aspen. Communist land? Yeah, like no cigarettes, everybody had to wear uniforms, no more staying up until 2 in the morning. What was wrong with the other way? Boulder County Jail. The good way. Oh, Boulder County Jail was a paradise. Well, what was wrong with that?

It got out. It got out that it was too nice. Right. So, like I'm telling you, homeless people would commit a crime to do 60 days. Can I ask you something about this? As a person who's been in jail. Go ahead. Would it motivate you more?

This is an honest question. Would it motivate you more if you were in jail and it was nice and comfortable in there and you got to relax and calm down? Or would it motivate you more if they brought you into some communist-type jail as you described it? Everybody had to wear uniforms.

There was no cigarettes. There was no fun. They limited your outside time. I did them both. What do you think, as a person who's been through, what would be most effective in rehabilitating you? I mean, that's the idea, right? Just to punish and rehabilitate?

If right now you said to me, you got to stay in this fucking building for six months. This is going to be your jail. This is like Pablo Escobar's jail. It's still jail. I want you to remember that. You cannot leave the building for six months. I will let you go out to the front in a cage one hour a day, but you got to figure out what you're going to do in here for 12 months. It's a cage. Yes, I have more options here. I can lift weights.

I can do different parts of my body. I can shoot pool, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Boulder was very simple. Boulder, you got locked up. They gave you linens. You either took them or you didn't. Now I want to get my own clothes. So you called home.

At lunchtime, Joe Rogan brought me my jeans, my sneakers, my T-shirts. I'm wearing my own clothes. So now they determine what you're in for, nonviolent or violent. If you're a nonviolent offender, the world is yours. The violent ones are the ones that get lumped in with the other violent ones. So now the violent offenders, depending on what you do as violent, you go into one sector. And that sector, the longer you're in there, the more rewards you get. So if you're in green, you stay up until 10.

And they got cable TV. If you're red, you stay up until 11. And they got cable TV. If you're purple, you stay up until 1. 1 a.m. Oh, my God. And they got cable TV. If you're purple, you step to 1. 1 a.m. Oh, my God. Boulder County Jail was tremendous. 1 a.m. in TV.

So I didn't drink milk. Milk is big in jail because the bodybuilders like milk. It's like fucking drugs. Really? So I would trade you and you my milk for your Kool-Aid. All right? So I was in there drinking fucking Kool-Aids and shit because I fucking hate milk. Boulder was a paradise compared to other jails.

Oh, listen to this. Thanksgiving Day. Was I locked up Thanksgiving Day? Yeah. The guard came in. I'll never forget. His name was Ron. And he opened up the cell door and there was a phone there

and he goes anybody who needs to use the phone use the phone I figured out you know in those days you had to press 9 to get an outside line I pressed 8 to see if I get long distance nothing I pressed 7 nothing 6 nothing 5 nothing

4 fucking long distance I got to call my peeps in Jersey for 20 minutes apiece. You know, you just figure out different things. Then they send you to a place where somebody looks you in the eye and says strip down, and you got to go take a shower, and then you come out and they put a finger up your ass to see if you got contraband. And they give you tighty-whities and an orange jumpsuit. Do they put like a rubber glove on and then loop their finger up your ass to see if you got contraband. And they give you tighty-whities and an orange jumpsuit.

Do they put, like, a rubber glove on and then loop their finger up? It doesn't matter. It does. At that point, I didn't give a fuck. You're putting a finger up my ass. It breaks you down as a man as much as anything in the world. That's the first breakdown. Wow.

To turn you around, to let you know they run you. They're going to stick it up your ass. Then you go to your cell, and those guys in there are not very nice. They weren't like the Boulder County jail guys. Those guys would kick your bed and make you get up, turn your light on in the middle of the night, and say, get out of bed, we're going to do a search at 2 in the morning. Those people are not nice at all.

Then I got transferred to Summit County Jail, which was a fucking paradise. Paradise. Paradise. Handball all day outside. TV till 2 in the morning. TVs in your cell. Black and white TVs in your cell.

Basic cable. You could be up all night. If you wanted to go to breakfast you ate breakfast if not you could sleep through breakfast and we'd eat your breakfast for you and then from there they ship me off the department of corrections that's where it's nitty-gritty if you think black people talk at a movie theater at night, don't go there. Don't go there. Black people talk all night. It's six or seven floors. And I was in there in August with full humidity in Canyon City, Colorado.

Wow. All right, with a little window. And I was like on the third floor. I couldn't breathe. And in those days, they let you out. You took two showers a week and one hour a day you went outside. After that, you were just in the cell by yourself. And at night, it froze.

In the daytime, it was like fucking being sweating in a fucking tin can. You were in a tin can in the daytime. Nowhere from this day. Oh, shit. There's nothing. Two showers. And then the three meals. And then the first week is good because you actually get out of your cell to go test. They test you in

everything. Your math, your English. They fucking put a bunch of pictures in front of you. They put you through psychiatry. They take your blood out. They do everything. And then they assess you and then they have, I took care of all the dots. Okay. There's a bunch of dots. You have to dots you have to dot your eyes. If you have a high school diploma, you get a point. If you were working at the time of arrest, you get a point. If you were up to paying rent. So I got a bunch of points for that.

It's so funny how to talk about something very interesting. It's very interesting where this Harvey Weinstein case is going to go. It's very interesting where it's going to go. Right now, he has Benjamin Braff as an attorney. And if you see what happened, Benjamin Braff pushed for a dismissal. And he didn't get it. The judge set a trial date. They're going to get a trial date. Harvey Weinstein's going to go throw more money to pay off time. Harvey's going to go for time.

Then he's going to fire Benjamin Braff and show up with two women, primarily one black and one Asian or one white and one Asian. And this is when this trial is going to get very interesting. Harvey's also going to hire millions of dollars in private investigators. They're going to interview boyfriends. They're going to interview. This case is going to be very interesting, unlike the Cosby case, where Cosby didn't really fuck him.

How do you know he's going to do all this stuff? Because I know this is what I would do. I know. If you come to me and you go, I'm getting busted for this, what do I do? Because of how I grew up around those people, this is what you do. Benjamin Braff cannot ask a woman the same question a woman could ask a woman. So I'm

going to go in there with either a black woman, an Asian woman, or a white woman. My first two choices are a black and an Asian woman. You want to get the diversity angle? I want to get the diversity angle and I want to get that you can't.

You're saying that because you're a black woman, Chinese woman. What I'm trying to stare at. Did you ever really watch The People versus O.J. Simpson? No, I didn't. Very interesting. And it's time that you sat down on the holidays. Is that the FX version? Yeah, the FX version.

I watched one episode. It seemed very good. Very interesting how he put a dream team together. How accurate is it? Gee, it's going to cost you 10 mil. Listen to me, G. You got two options. You're going to like Cosby and pay two mil and make believe you're blind or we put together a fucking.

Did you see him? He went in there with that milky shit over his eyes like the guy from Kung Fu. Remember when we were kids? Kung Fu's father had like, yeah, Kung Fu's father was like half blind and shit. Yeah, I remember that. He had that milk and magnesia on his eyes and shit. That's how Cosby went in there playing like I'm sick routine. He's got cataracts.

Who? Cosby. Yeah, but he didn't have cataracts when he was- Doesn't he have something like that? Not when he put the pill in the water, he didn't. No, he knows what the pills are. He knows what the fucking pills are. He just takes three steps, reaches his right.

You show him a fucking, you know, yeah, he knows. But Harvey has to play this hand. This is what America's about to watch. They're going to watch something fucking crazy. Harvey knows he can't go in there with Benjamin Braff. Benjamin Braff had Gravano. Look at the list of who Benjamin Braff has. And Benjamin Braff can't attack a woman.

Joey, you look at legal cases like sports. Listen to me, bro. He's got pencil and paper. Listen to me. He's writing all this down. He's the beauty. John Jones versus Gustafson. I went to New York last week, and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art with my daughter.

She loves art. And while I was sitting there, I was at it saying, I'm going to be on your own. Because my daughter didn't want me taking pictures in front of the statues anyway. She said, Daddy, get out of the pictures of the statues. So I'm like, what the fuck am I hanging out with you for? She was in the Chinese wing. I wanted to see the Armenian wing.

But it was funny. I was thinking about when I was 21 and 22, Joe Rogan and I would get stoned to the gills and go to the Museum of Natural History, the museum of my hobbies back then, since I was such a loner and people were looking for me and I was always a criminal. I would go over the bridge to either go to one of those museums or I would sit in the courtroom. the bridge to either go to one of those museums or i would sit in the courtroom i would go to a place that had a italian sandwich and i'd get a bag of wise potato chips and a 16 ounce coke and you go to any courtroom court starts at seven at the metropolitan downtown i take the a train and i'd walk i forget now now. This is 1983, 81.

I was a kid, and I would sit and I'd observe night court. I learned how to. Plus, I grew up in that. You would sit and watch night court like you'd watch a basketball game, like a pickup game somewhere? Yeah, with a sandwich

and a soda and potato chips. I think a lot of people don't realize you could just go to court and i would watch 12 people i would learn how to set bail can you do that anytime you want can you just get in there and watch in the in the 80s yes now there's bomb detectors you have to have a reason why you're there do you have to like what if you're interested in the case yeah you go down there and just watch it. What if you, you know, for whatever reason, there's a speeding thing, like someone lost their license and they got arrested driving and trying to get away from cops.

You can go watch that. I can go go home supporting Joe. I would like to go and see, I would like to see what the fuck was going on when those guys are trying to get away from the cops, the helicopters chasing them with the spotlights and they just keep going. Like, what the fuck were you thinking? I would like to get to that courtroom hearing. I want to see that guy.

I want to look at that guy that was running from the cops with the fucking spotlight from the helicopter on him. He knew he wasn't going to get away, and he's cutting people off and driving them to the fucking side. Nobody ever gets away. Has anybody ever gotten away recently? The other night, something happened. It was in a parking garage. What happened? I couldn't find him. Oh, he got in a parking garage. Yeah, they gets away. Has anybody ever gotten away recently? The other night something happened. It was in a parking garage.

What happened? I couldn't find him. He just went to a mall. Yeah, they get away. The percentages, let me explain something to you. Oh, right. The percentages are very fucking low. Right.

It's tough to get away, bro. They got you. Once those helicopters spot you running through neighborhoods, it's three years. If you're going into a mall, they have cameras. They can rewind the cameras and watch you go. If you're running into the mall, you know, there he is. We'll spot him. There's a car.

They, what happens to you? You want to know what happens to you? What happens to you? All right. First of all, usually Sky 9 is following you. That's the news? Yeah. They got to put you on the floor, kick your legs, do everything by procedure on camera.

Then they pick you up, they handcuff you, they put you in the side of the car. The guy tells you his whole white version of what happened. The pursuit started on the 5. The white version? Yeah, and he's wanted. Subject? Yeah, subject. Suspect was moving at a high rate of speed?

Then they fucking, you know, if I just had to chase you for 20 miles, how pissed am I at you? Oh, yeah. So they put you in the fucking trunk, and they put you in the back seat in front of everybody, so the cameras take pictures, and they put a cop next to you. On the drive there, you got a couple backhands to your face. You know what I'm saying? You hit the steering wheel or something.

They hit you a couple times. Then you go in there, and you sit in the holding tank and then you fucking, if you're with one another person, you just shut your fucking mouth. You want to call your lawyer, I'll call him later. You want to call your lawyer because you want one of the other guys to get a lawyer. So then like that, you have to get, it's conflict of interest. So if me, you, and Jamie get arrested right now, I'm going to shut my mouth and tell you I'm going to call my attorney later. Because I know for a fact Jamie's going to get a public defender. So now I can't get a public defender because that's conflict of interest.

So the state has to pay for a different attorney for me. Whoa. A lot of people don't know that. So if you get arrested with two or three people, you keep your mouth shut. Yeah, I'll call my attorney later. You have an attorney? Yeah, I forget his name.

Let Jamie cop the public defender. Now the two public defenders can't represent you. So now you get a better chance of getting a better attorney. And the state pays for it. It's on the arm. So next time you pay for your mortgage, you go, God damn it,

this state takes us high. It's because a jerk off like me went with fucking Johnny Rambadabats and fucking, he wants 800 an hour, even though the state will give him 400 an hour. It's like wholesale. You know what I'm saying? But at least

I got a better type of attorney. You game the system. You game the system. Nice. It really is fucking crazy how I love figuring this shit out. You're writing things down like you weren't even thinking. You just automatically started writing down numbers and percentages and shit. Oh yeah,

I know all this shit. It's like a sport. I grew up in this shit. It is like a sport. I grew up in this shit. It is like a sport. So that's what he'll do. And by the time Harvey brings on a rape case, you got to go up there and relive the story and tell the dates. And if there was a rape kit, it's very fucking tough.

This is going to be very interesting, bro, what's going to happen here. The only thing is, anything he cops to, they're going to come back and I'm like i'm like oj and try to sue him so then he'll just live in florida making fucking super eight films down there down in fucking miramar florida wherever the fuck you go it is crazy when you see someone like that sued because they work the system i'm not saying nothing bad here that's what your advisors and your people around you will tell you.

He's in hot water for the rest of his life. Because even if he gets that down to like an assault charge, and he has to serve eight months, 12 months, which is really eight. Once he gets out, all the civil suits are going to come at him. And then he has to pull an OJ and move to Florida where they can't touch your pension or some bullshit money

he had hidden or something like that. It's really crazy. This is not unrelated to what we're talking about right now. So this has happened, I think, since we've been live. Kevin Spacey uploaded this video on his YouTube channel where he's in character as frank underwood and since this has come out today he's now been indicted on rape charges in massachusetts i believe whoa felony rape charge so it's his plea to get his job back this might

have come out without him knowing that was going to happen i don't know i was to see if he wanted to watch it and see what he's doing. Should we watch it? If we watch it, we're going to get kicked off YouTube. It's news. It's fair use-ish. Ish? I mean, it should be definitely fair use.

We can at least watch a minute or something. Like, 30 seconds of it and see what he's doing. He's washing his hands. I know what you want Oh sure, they may have tried to separate us But what we have is too strong, it's too powerful I mean, after all, we shared everything, you and I I told you my deepest, darkest secrets I showed you exactly what people are capable of

I shocked you with my honesty But mostly I challenged you exactly what people are capable of. I shocked you with my honesty, but mostly I challenged you and made you think. And you trusted me, even though you knew you shouldn't. So we're not done, no matter what anyone says. And besides, I know what you want. You want me back. Of course, some believed everything and have just been waiting with bated breath to hear me confess it all. They're just dying to have me declare that everything said is true and that I got what I deserved.

Wouldn't that be easy if it was all so simple? Only you and I both know it's never that simple, not in politics and not in life. But you wouldn't believe the worst. We get it. He's in character. He's in character, 100%. He's not supposed to be dead in the show, correct? That's weird.

This is strange. That's strange to watch. Because you know what's strange? He seems a little off his game. Right? I don't know if anyone asked me that. Even if he was playing Frank Underwood, he seems a little off his game. Right? I don't know if anyone asked me that. Even if he was playing Frank Underwood, he seems a little off. Like, okay, we're a little tense on that one.

Let's get into this. You're Frank Underwood. Come on, man. Kevin, you're Frank Underwood. I'm Frank Underwood. And then, boom, hit it a second time. The second take felt smoother. Second take felt smoother. Second take felt smoother.

You know, it seemed like acting. It's weird. It's not, like, it's a great character. That character's a fucking great character. I mean, the Frank Underwood character is, like, one of the all-time TV characters. But that's just weird. He just brought him into real life. That's so strange.

He was himself. Yeah, that's actually what happened on the... For statutory? Fox News, according to Fox News, but this is everywhere else, too. He shared this video as he's announced that he's facing felony sexual assault charges for assaulting a teenage son of a former news anchor

in a Nantucket bar in 2016. Jeez. Oof. Thought he was going off on that powder. Oof. God knows the power they give you

and what you buy into. Just to make that tape just shows you how fucking creepy he's getting now. I really think to be that good at acting

you gotta be out of your fucking mind.vin spacey's a bad motherfucker when it comes to acting all the horrible things he's done aside there's a there's a quality about someone that's that good you know they're just gotta like a certain amount of insanity to them this is not apologizing for his actions. Everything he did is horrendous. But I mean, to be surprised that you're seeing him seem crazy there. No, that's not surprising. He's too good to not be crazy. Like, I would assume that when they're not crazy, I'm shocked.

You know, when someone seems to, like Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't seem to be crazy, right? He just seems to be obsessed. He just seems to be obsessed with work. Maybe I'm wrong. I think all those brilliant motherfuckers are out of their mind. It's just his out of his mind is... Did you ever have a German Shepherd?

Horrible. I did when I was a kid. Okay. My grandparents did, actually. German Shepherds are very smart, intelligent dogs. Yeah. But they all have a quirk. They all have a quirk.

You know, my mom wouldn't neuter hers. She had a female, and they'd bleed once a month, which made them even fucking crazy. So when I was a kid, my mom had one that you couldn't go to next to a purse. My buddy Stinky had one. My buddy Stinky had a German Shepherd that was pure, authentic. You could walk in the house. I had a great time. I'd date and make a move for the door.

So he bit all our friends in the ass. He didn't like when people laughed. So every one of us, because of the extreme of what we do, including yourself, has to have something. You and I were on the phone last week speaking about Bill Burr. He went on a helicopter. has to have some, you know, something. You and I were on the phone last week speaking about Bill Burr. He went on a helicopter. He plays the drums. Yeah.

He's a comedian. He's a dad. He does an animated series, you know. So here you are in a helicopter with Bill Burr flying around the city. But two nights earlier, you were laughing at him on stage while he made fun of some fucking, when I saw him last, he was hysterical, making fun of the Obama tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is Obama time.

You know, so you follow me? Yeah. Those extremities is what makes you good at your main thing. You know, the fact that that fucking cowboy. The fact that he does all those different things the fact that cowboy serrani fights at a high level of competition but then two weeks later he's high diving off a cliff for motorcycle racing not just that he does it while he's in training while he's in training yeah that's what makes people who the fuck they are. Yeah, you know

When it comes to drugs Psychedelics or the hard shit, you know, you get these people that for years I heard rumors about certain actors that they show up on the set Still coked up from the night before but give them three cups of coffee give them breakfast on take a shower And then and they're whoever they're supposed to be so for that those eight hours they kept it together for the other 20 they were a fucking mess well like look at guys like nick nolte right nick nolte is one of the greats for sure right i mean unbelievable actor and's had some serious, serious substance abuse issues in his past. Jan Michael Vincent should have taken over Hollywood, watched The Mechanic.

You know? We have, listen, bro. The Me Too movement was a great movement. It made people, you know, whatever the words, to let people know what was going on. But what do you think happened to Marilyn Monroe? She was the first Me Too victim. Marilyn Monroe, if you look at it from an angle, they passed her around, Joe Rogan. Between the president, Nick Bonacani, the fucking mobster in Chicago. And who else passed her around?

She was married to Mickey Mantle. She was married how many fucking times? She was married to the playwright, too, right? They tormented that poor girl. Then they found her dead of an alcohol or whatever. To me, Marilyn Monroe, when I see Marilyn Monroe, she's the first fucking original me, too. You know, they're knocking down all of Gardner and Schrader on Sunset Boulevard.

But the last, everything is closed. The Nerd Melt is closed. Everything is closed on that block. The only thing that's still open is that flower shop. They finally decided to close after a thousand years. But that was the flower shop, they finally decided to close after a thousand years. But that was the flower shop where if you wanted to take Marilyn Monroe to impress her, you had to order flowers from that flower shop.

That was what it was famous for, that DiMaggio, Sinatra, everybody ordered flowers for her for that shop. If you knew her, they'd say, what is she like? Get flowers from that place on Sunset. But she was the original, come on, dog. Think about how tragic her life was. And she was beautiful. She was young, and I had them all. But all of a sudden, a slick young guy comes along with his olive oil voice and his tight shoes, and he takes her away from me.

I'm a man that cannot be humiliated. Isn't that what that dude tells Waltz? Isn't that what he tells Robert Duvall when he comes over and tells him he wants Sinatra in the movie? And he goes, there's a piece of ass, and I've had them all. And she was the best piece of ass. But just to show you, it's not about dollars and cents. I put singing lessons into her, dancing lessons. She was going to be a fucking star.

But all of a sudden, your boy comes along with his olive oil voice and his shiny shoes. And he takes her away from me. I'm not a man to be humiliated. You know what that felt like? And he goes off on him. He throws his fucking what's-his-name out. The next morning, he wakes up and the dead horse is in his bed. That's right.

That's the speech he gives him. That Sinatra fucking took his girl. That's right. The horse in the bed scene was one of the most fucked up scenes ever in a movie. Especially when you're 10. Yeah, because they used a real horse's head oh did they really oh yeah they killed a fucking horse for that scene a hundred percent that ain't a fucking rubber horse that's a real horse's head you ever watch it again no i don't think i'm mistaken i'm pretty sure i remember this i remember that it was

i might have a shit memory. I think that they might fucking throw you in jail. Today? Even then in the 70s. In the 70s you can get away with it. Do you remember what's that movie Burt Reynolds made where he was going to throw the dog out the plane

and the inspector showed up and they kept saying, oh oh shit. That's the movie when he's the stuntman, and Jam Michael Vincent comes to take his job. There's an old Burt Reynolds movie. Hopper. Hopper. Oh, wow.

Hopper. That's a movie about Burt Reynolds being the baddest stuntman of all time, but then Jam Michael shows up, and Jam Michael's going to eat his lunch. But then Burt Reynolds puts Jam Michael in his place and they make the jump in the car together. But the funny thing about that movie is that he has to jump out of a building and the guy that played the inspector was a wacky guy. What do you got here, Jamie?

This is a Snopes article. It's true. They slaughtered a horse. The studio had encouraged Francis Ford coppola to use a fake horse head but he didn't take he didn't like the mock-up his scouts found a horse ready for slaughter at a dog food plant in new jersey the art director picked one that looked like the horse in the film and said when that one is slaughtered send us the head he said one day a crate with dry ice came with a horse's head in it fuck well it sounds like they're gonna kill the horse anyway that's probably better than not using

it right but people have a attached they served horse rectum once on fear factor and horse people got real mad they get very mad scene? Yeah. Here we go. Can you imagine being this poor fuck and being entangled with the mob back then? This is supposed to be filmed in what, like the 50s? That's what it was? It's supposed to take place in the 50s? Yeah, not showing it, just...

Oh, you can't, right. Oh, the people at home. They can look it up. Okay. It's a very famous what's really scary about this scene is that they came into your house while you were sleeping they didn't wake you up yep and they put a horse's head on your sheet message under your sheets so he realizes there's some blood now he's looking around he's like what the fuck what the fuck is

this how good is this actor Who's this actor What's his name He's been in everything What the fuck is this blood Yeah he's looking at the blood It's all over his fucking sheets I mean it is fucking crazy

And that's real blood too And there's the horse's head And he starts screaming They chopped his the horse's head. And he starts screaming. He chopped his fucking horse's head off and stuffed it in bed with him. That was like a prize stallion that he had, right? He fucking took him. And he insulted him.

He goes, so you can get out. And I ain't no band leader. And he goes, yeah, I heard about that story because that was the story. Michael tells the chick at the thing, how do you know Sinatra? And she goes, well, my father's godfather's to him. He's his godfather. And he goes, what does that mean? And he goes, he sang with the Tommy Dorsey band. And Tommy said, I'm not not releasing them and they put a gun to his head Luca Brasi put a gun to his head

and said you're either gonna sign it or your brain is gonna be across it which one and they paid a dollar for Sinatra Jesus Christ

oh my god so that's why when this guy shows up he goes I ain't no fucking band leader and that was the last thing you tell some guy like Robert Duvall Oh, my God. So that's why when this guy shows up, he goes, I ain't no fucking band leader. And that was the last thing you tell some guy like Robert Duvall.

Robert Duvall says, if you mind, I have a plane. I have your driver sent over to get me to the plane because Vito Corleone is a man of insisting bad news right away and hearing bad news right away. And he goes, you go tell them. And the next morning, he wakes up with a fucking dead horse. Jesus Christ, what a way to send somebody a message, though. That was a good fucking movie. All those movies were great.

But the problem is it got Italians way too into being Italian. They started overemphasizing it. Yeah, a little too crazy. I will tell you this, Joe Rogan, and I told you this a couple weeks ago, and I know it's tough for you. It's tough for me, subtitles, but this episode of Narcos has really been one of my – Are they doing it all in subtitles? No, they got a lot of English, but it's tough for people to watch.

But, like, I thought the guy who played Pablo was a bad... I was saying the other day, I was telling somebody, you know what, man? I grew up watching American movies, and I loved them. But my undercurrent was watching Spanish television at night. From the age of five to eight or nine, there was a couple novellas that I really appreciated, and I kind of liked the acting. I was like, these guys could fucking act, but I forgot all about it,

and then I watched Man on Fire, and Man on Fire had some phenomenal Spanish acting, plus they had the Italian guy Giancarlo Giannini. How bad of a fucking, how bad of a motherfucking Italian are you when your name is Giancarlo Giannini? He's the one that was in Hannibal. Hannibal stabs him and then fucking throws his guts out in the fucking, I don't know if you've ever watched Hannibal. No, I never watched Hannibal. He shows up and that's how, wow, he kills him through the stomach.

But he's the cop and man on fire. the one who pinks the girl's ass. Yeah. Man on Fire had a lot of good side actors, but a lot of great Spanish acting. So ever since Narcos and Alta Jota and all these shows are coming back, I'm watching these dudes and I'm like, bro, these guys are from old soap opera, Spanish soap operas, which is tough. If you've ever done a soap opera, it's tough. I did General Hospital.

And let me tell you something. If I would have gotten off a plane and done General Hospital, I would have gotten fired. Thank God I was here 12 and 13 years, and I knew my way around the set. You know, when you book a soap opera, nobody talks to you. You do know that. Yeah. Like, you walk into ABC over there on O'Gott Street,

you walk in, they look at your ID, and they go, go to room 27, you go to your office, your fucking, your suit's there. And so the lady comes in. She goes, how you doing? My name is Mildred. Watch the TV and look for your numbers to come up.

So you sit down and you write your numbers. I'm in scene 27, chapter 8. And you sit there with wardrobe on. I would go there at 8 o'clock and I'd be in my car at a quarter to 10. Really? How many soap operas did you do? Three.

General Hospital, three episodes. No kidding? Yeah. Find that. Three episodes of General Hospital. That's amazing. I played a recovering fucking preacher who had been out in prison

and I came out and now it was a fucking marriage thing. Bro, when they called me, like they called me and they're like, we're interested in you sending a reel. And I'm like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So Benjamin Brett, those good looking dudes, they started on General Hospital. And you want me on General Hospital. Are you fucking crazy? I sent them a reel.

I swear to God, my agents, like, they really want your reel, Joey. What do you want me to do? I'm like, go send it to them. What do you want me to do? They're never going to hire me, bro. They called right back. Come on down for three days. Wow.

You walk in there, Joe Rogan. You give them your ID. It's that fast. You go to your room. It'll say scene 28, prepare, wardrobe. You're 10 minutes away. You put whatever wardrobe they give you on.

Do they have cue cards for you? They have a, yeah, under a fucking, under the cameras. It's a three camera shoot. You go out, it says,

okay, actor number 28, come out. You come out. How you doing, Joe Rogan? Very nice to meet you. Okay,

let's do this. Action. Boom, boom meet you. Okay. Let's do this. Action. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Let's say you fuck up your line. They don't give a fuck. Like if you start from all the way down. We're starting from that line. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

Cut. Moving ahead. Wow. And all of a sudden they switch you out. Bah, bah, bah. They put makeup on you. And they're like, you're not in the scene. Just sit over here for five minutes.

Bro, five minutes, they come right back to you. All right, you ready? You're in scene three, and you're like, what the fuck just happened? Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Pop, you're a rap. Thank you for coming down. Nobody talks to you. Nobody does nothing.

Huh. So it's not a, it's a, they're just trying to get it out quick. They don't hold your hand. It's eight to five. Wow. Being on a soap opera is probably the easiest way. Like if you land on general hospital, you can be on general hospital for 30 years. That dude's been on there for 30 years.

Yeah. You know, you could be on there. A couple people have been on it for a long time. Yeah. So it's eight to five. Was general hospital, was that Luke and Laura? I don't know. It was. That was Luke Was General Hospital, was that Luke and Laura? I don't know. It was.

That was Luke and Laura, right? Remember Luke and Laura? No. Dude, there was a thing that happened. There was a thing that happened in soap operas. And it happened while I was a kid. Luke and Laura transcended

General Hospital and became a thing all throughout the world. These people? Yeah, these people. Yeah, yeah, I remember this. It didn't? Yeah, these people. It was weird. Yeah, I remember this. It didn't make sense because the dude's hair was weird.

It was a strange couple. I did a scene with him, dog. They were weird. Yeah, I did a scene with him. She was a little too hot for him. It didn't make a whole lot of sense, but it worked. For whatever reason, it caught fire culturally and became a big thing. I think I was in high school at the time.

Their wedding was in 1983. Okay, yeah I think I was in high school at the time. What year was this? Their wedding was in 1983. Okay, yeah. So I was in high school. While I was in high school, this was all going down, and everybody paid attention to Luke and Laura. It was like the general hospital thing took over the country. It was like on the cover of People magazine and shit. It was everywhere.

It was this one weird relationship on a soap opera for some reason just became this gigantic phenomenon that everybody was watching. I mean, I was watching it. Like I said. 30 million viewers. 30 million viewers. You know how fucking crazy that is, Joey Diaz?

What was the show with the good-looking singer? I wish that she was Jesse's girl. Oh, Rick Springfield, General Hospital. Same show. Okay, then I watched that. Then I watched that. But it wasn't even him. See, if he was with Laura, that made sense.

I watched that before that. He's a handsome son of a bitch, that Rick Springfield. And he was a double threat. He was on General Hospital, and he was a badass singer. That Jessie's Girl, that song, if you're at fucking Wild Wings and Jessie's Girl comes on, you get excited. You lose your mind. The beginning of it? I can't find a woman like that.

Jessie's Girl. He's still out there hitting it. Still touring. Yeah, he's still touring. I think he was at the Canyon Club in Agora. He's out there. That dude was, when I was in high school, that dude was on top of the fucking food chain. Every girl had a poster of him on the wall.

Yeah, I remember. Me too. He's in Lake Tahoe next month. February. Good for him. or him on the wall. Yeah, I remember. Me too.

He's in Lake Tahoe next month. February. Good for him. It's crazy that whatever soap opera was on from 12 to 1 was a big-time soap opera. And there was a bar in New York, and there was a bar in New Jersey in my neighborhood that if you walked in there from 12 to 1 and you said a word, somebody would tell you to shut the fuck up. And it was 98% men. And they would serve lunch.

And the one I would go to was the Midtown Lounge. But there was another one. So there was a lunchtime soap opera. Yeah. That men left their jobs, construction guys, and they would sit there and watch this soap opera on two TVs like it was a Yankee game. What the fuck? And then they would go back to work.

How strange is that? How strange is that? That was a thing at one point in time. It was a big thing at one point. And I still remember, you know, if you dated a girl and she stayed in on Wednesdays to watch Dynasty, bitch, you stayed in on Dynasty night. If that's what it meant, they're going to get a nookie cookie. That makes sense for, like, today. It's translatable. You know, Sunday night meant, they're going to get a nookie cookie. That makes sense for today. It's translatable.

Sunday night, Game of Thrones is on or whatever night it's on. It's like people do get together and they watch it live as it goes on. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that the market for those kind of soap operas was appealing to men and high school kids. We were all watching it. Who shot JR, bro? That was Dallas. No, no, I understand. appealing to men and high school kids. We were all watching it. Who shot JR, bro? That was Dallas.

No, no, no. I understand. But now we're talking then. Yeah. Not only were they sucking you in the daytime in those days. This was all the 80s. We're talking about the 80s, correct? Yeah. Okay.

What the fuck was going on at night? Both, right? You had Dallas and you had what was the one on ABC with Alexis Carrington? The Dynasty. And the Dynasty. That was badass. That was a badass show. That girl right now, the chick who played the princess on that,

that was supposed to be Alexis' daughter, and she was having an affair with Dexter. She's the one right now that's going through that thing with her daughter in the sex ring up in connecticut there was like a sex ring novo or whatever right like she's a princess in real life a duchess yes she's the one that's going through all that with the daughter i remember her being on Dynasty as a hot, hot. And she was Alexis' daughter. But Dexter was Alexis' husband.

She had something for Dexter. Dex Dexter. How good of a name is that? Look at that cast. Joan Collins. She was still hot back then. She was the original MILF, right? Yeah.

For sure. Because she was super hot. Find the picture. How old do you think she was back then? 50? Yeah, she was 51. And she was fucking Dex Dexter. She was hot as fuck.

And look at Ricardo Montemban. How much that dude got paid on that fucking island. Welcome to Fantasy Island. How they haven't done a remake of Fantasy fucking Island. They did. They did. They did. A comic, well,

a couple comics went out there and did it. Yeah, they had, it was on TV for a little bit. No,

they fucked it up. It wasn't The Love Boat. Yeah. Was it The Love Boat? Yeah. Am I confusing it? I think so. The Love Boat came out

before fucking. No, but I mean a new version of it. There was either a new version of the Love Boat or a new version of Fantasy Island.

It was one of the two. Neither of them are showing up. Neither one? Dynasty actually was remade. But it was in the 90s. It was... It was in the 90s.

Because... Oh, yeah. Do you remember Jerry Red Wilson? Yeah. God bless his soul. Jerry Red Wilson? Yeah God bless his soul Jerry Red Wilson was supposed to be Filming that

What was it? The Love Boat Jerry Red Wilson was supposed to be Filming that show And he went to a doctor And turned out he had meningitis And I guess Apparently he left the doctor's office

Because he was waiting Because he to go on a honeymoon. And by the time he got there, I guess flying when you have that's really bad. By the time he got there, he died. Or he died shortly after. It's horrible. Horrible to hear. He was a good guy. He was a good guy and a funny guy.

Funny guy. The rest is so, yeah. Had a lot of fucking character. I worked with that kid a lot in New York. We did gigs together on the road together a little bit, too. I was a good little clique. I remember living in Seattle, and he came up, Louis C.K. came up. All those guys were all coming up together at that time in New York.

So it was a good bunch of guys, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Man. They do remake a lot of fucking television shows, though. I mean, it is fucking ridiculous. They remake so many shows. Is it that hard to come up with a new line of thought?

Like, how many more zombie shows are they going to have? They have a new zombie show, right? I think they're making World War Z as a TV show. Isn't it in China? But there's a new Walking Dead in China now, I think. I'm like, okay. Jesus Christ. I think I know what's going to happen.

Bad things. You know like you have when you were growing up. I don't know where the fuck you grew up. Let's just say Boston for a while. There was one fucking sandwich shop. And you went in there all the time. There was an Italian guy, and he made you a legit sandwich. And all of a sudden, another guy opened up.

But that was cool. But now Subway came. And now the Safeway started making sandwiches. So now nobody's making money. It's the same thing with movies and TV. It's like there's so much content, we can't keep up with it. Can't keep up. You can't keep up with the amount of content that's out there.

So when you try to remake a show, I want it to be, they remake a ton of shit, but they forget the main element of it, which is the heart aspect of it. Let me tell you something you've got to see that's good, that's out right now on Amazon Prime. Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Tremendous.

Have you seen it? Have you watched it? Yeah, yeah. The two episodes of my wife. She's a stand-up comic, and she's hanging out with Lenny Bruce. It's fucking amazing. It's a good little show. It's a real good show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a real good show. This is the first show I've ever watched on Amazon Prime. It's very easy to do. You just set it up through the Apple TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a real good show. This is the first show I've ever watched on Amazon Prime. It's very easy to do. You just set it up through the Apple TV. You log in. My wife has done a whole fucking thing. She does the whole thing.

It's like, but the thing about things like Apple TV or Netflix that are so good is once you're logged in, it's right there, right? You go to it. It's easy. We're so lazy now that the extra step to log in to another service whether it's whatever it is you know what another thing on top of the getting on to itunes i gotta do one more thing oh my god i gotta use my password like that little extra step even just setting it up once you get it set up you can just go to it but before you do that that extra step bothers the shit out of people for whatever reason.

It's easy. It's easy. It's not hard to do, though. I just have my wife program for me on my iPad. I don't know nothing. You don't know nothing? I get on the plane, I put it into airplane mode, I hit the Wi-Fi

thing, and next thing you know, I'm watching fucking TV. I get it. I try to keep it. Like, right now, I'm on the second time of watching Narcos Mexico because I like the acting so much that the guy, Diego Luna, Joe Rogan, he ain't no joke, dog. That dude was in Du Ma Ma Tambien. It's such a difference. He's such a badass motherfucker.

I don't want to spoil it for you, but fuck you. If you haven't watched it by now, you're slipping. Yeah, I only watched the first two seasons. You watched the Pablo seasons. Yeah. Which were, he was very good.

He was a very good actor. I enjoyed him. Then the third season went to about the Cali Cartel. And that was okay. This Mexican one, this Sinaloa one, this is where Felipe's from. When you watch this shit, it explains a lot why Felipe is the way Felipe is. I tell you what, if I could move to Sinaloa, I would.

I belong down there. It's just a city full of fucking, fucking crazy thieves and shit. You know, they're just crazy. And they figured out how to grow weed in the desert, and they were making $30 million a week. A bunch of crazed fucking Indians. Oh, we never found out. What percentage of marijuana did weed used to have?

You're right, but it's also really hard to test back then. Yeah, they weren't testing back then. Right, right. The strongest weed I was smoking back then was chocolate Thai weed. That weed made me go fucking crazy. Someone did explain to me the difference between strains that were raised in Afghanistan and strains that came from other places. Right, like right now Dean, our friend from the store, he got a seed from Afghani weed from the old days. Shit. So he repollinized Afghani weed from the old days.

So he repollinized it, I guess the word to use is. Is that the word? And he keeps trying to get that seed. But I still remember smoking Afghani weed. You were going for a ride. You were going for a ride, but your tolerance is so high now. And the weed you're smoking is weapon grade. I mean, you are smoking some of the most insane weed. I had a vape pen the other day, a simple little vape pen.

I took one hit. I was obliterated. I couldn't believe it. You get all right now. You got it. Goddamn strong they are now. You got to be really careful now. I was cocky.

I was treating it like the old ones, especially those disposable ones. You can take three, four hits before you even feel it. One hit, the literated. Especially since I stopped with the edibles. That changed the game on me. Yeah. The edible drop changed the game on me. You 100% off the edibles?

100%. I got, our buddy George has 1,000 milligram edibles, and he gave me two bags. I think like tonight, I'll take a bite out of the edible because it's Christmas. But I had to cut it out because it was just killing me. It was taken away from my other high. I enjoy taking two hits off a pipe in the morning. It gets me going. It gets me listening to music.

I'm writing a little bit. I'm loose. I love being loose i went to muay thai at nine i had two hits in me you know what i'm saying right i enjoy that shit i can't when i go on the road i don't bring a pipe so i gotta bring joints with me if i gotta come down off the 11th floor and walk two blocks i gotta smoke the whole fucking joint so i gotta go back to my room and pass out like that's how strong the weed is. Like, it just kills me, especially now that I'm not eating them anymore.

Yeah. Just kills me, mummifies me. I go back to the room, I watch two, three episodes or something, I got to take a nap. There's some scientists making weed now. I mean, they've gotten, they got real botanists involved. There's money in it now. And now that it's opening up in Canada, it's going to be really weird

because in Canada, they're making it legal, right? It's legal now. So I'm pretty sure R.J. Reynolds, is that who it was? Who just dumped a shit ton of money into some marijuana production in Canada. That's going to follow suit

in the United States. There's too much money involved in it and it's going to be good for everybody. It's going to be good for capitalism. It's going to follow suit in the United States. There's too much money involved in it, and it's going to be good for everybody. It's going to be good for capitalism, it's going to be good for people getting marijuana. As long as regular people can sell marijuana, too. Let fucking R.J. Reynolds,

as long as they don't put some restrictions like they were trying to put... Was it you, Jamie, that told me about what they were trying to do in Ohio, where they were trying to make it set up where you could grow weed, but only a couple companies could grow it so the weed would be legal but only a couple companies would monopolize and then everybody was like fuck this but they ended up passing it i believe that's terrible it's sad that that i mean that's such a corruption that's like saying okay you could have tomatoes but we're the only ones who grow these fucking tomatoes like why

it's a tomato. That's a law against nature. So you're saying that nature can't take place? I can't put a seed in the ground and grow my own shit? Get the fuck out of here. Is it legal? It's legal. Okay.

How's it different than corn? How's it different than a fucking pear tree? It's not. It's a legal life form. It's a life form. It's a plant. You're allowed to grow it. And if you say you can't grow it, you've got a corrupt system.

You've got some bullshit law that you weaseled in because you greased up some assholes and the other people don't have as much money as you do. It's the only reason why that ever happens. Or people are so desperate to get legal weed that they let some dickhead dominate the entire industry.

Some greedy fuck. No, the deal is, it's legal or it's not fuck. No, the deal is, it's legal or it's not legal. Otherwise, we're in some sort of a weird dictatorship. You know, this is not, you can't just decide it's legal, but you're the only one who gets to make money. Fuck you.

It's a plant. That's crazy. Imagine if you owned all the pine trees in the country. It's all me. It's my country. My pine trees. You want to buy pine? You're buying it from me. I find you with a fucking Christmas tree, I'll take you out. It's all me. It's my country. My pine trees. You want to buy pine? You're buying it from me.

I find you with a fucking Christmas tree, I'll take you out. It's crazy. Now, what happened last week with Cuomo? I don't know. In New York, he said he wants to legalize weed in New York. Oh, yeah. He wants to make it recreationally illegal in New York. Stupid to shoot down.

You should be making money off of it. It exists no matter what you do. If you're a capitalist, if you're a person who believes in free market you already have whiskey you already have pills people can get high they're not sober just they're just not stop with the childish arguments give the fucking people freedom and make money off it you dummies that's what everybody should be doing they should make it legal and profit off it and they shouldn't stop with that either it should go to mushrooms should go to a lot of different things. It should set up clinics.

It should set up places where people can go through mushroom therapy, people that are coming back from the war, PTSD. There's so many different benefits for it. Depression, people that are getting ready to pass away. They have extreme anxiety. A lot of that is alleviated by mushrooms. People that have gone through extensive cancer treatment

and realized they're terminal. One of the best things for these people is mushrooms. It helps them, eases their pain and suffering in their last dying days. And it doesn't seem to have any negative effects. Other than the occasional person losing their fucking marbles, which is going to happen no matter what you do.

It's something that should be studied. It's something that should be studied, and it's something that should be free, and it could benefit people, so it should be fucking legal. I think if everybody models what Colorado's doing, people will see it. There's a lot of naysayers in this business, and they don't understand that in Colorado you get tax rebates. Not only that, Colorado's real estate went through the fucking roof. Yeah. This is something that I hope most states go for.

And I know that there's a back angle to it. It's a gateway drug. It's this, it's that. It depends what you do with it. The only argument is traffic fatalities. That's the only argument. Have we had a lot of traffic fatalities? There's been an increase in traffic fatalities. That's the only argument. Have we had a lot of traffic fatalities? There's been an increase in traffic fatalities.

But what I've read is it depends on who – the real problem is it's hard to find the study that's absolutely correct. Some say there's been an increase. Some say the increase corresponds to the population increase. I've read that too. I don't know if that's true. But that kind of makes sense that if you get more people in the city, you're going to have more people driving, you're going to have more traffic accidents, period. So if the number just goes up, but the population is increased by 14% or whatever it's done, that would kind of make sense. But also, let's be honest,

some people don't drive very well when they're high. And if you're out there driving high and spacing out, you're a fucking idiot. You might slam into a car that's entirely possible too and to deny that that's possible seems silly but i think that it's like everything else there's people that are responsible people and there's people that aren't and there's people that are good drivers there's people that aren't there's people that drive distracted there's people that don't pay attention to shit and then there's people that do you know whether they're high or sober i would rather have you driving high than a lot of people driving sober.

I know you don't fuck with your phone when you're driving. I've seen you drive. You drive. You take it fucking seriously. You look around. You're not interested

in getting in a stupid car accident because you weren't paying attention. I've seen you drive. I'll fucking take you high any day of the week. I'll drive. I drove.

The average idiot was a cell phone addiction. I drive very defensively. I watch everything. I watch everything. I watch everything coming from all angles. Especially today. You have to double check

everything when you drive. Yeah. Our dear friend, Wendy Liebman, got hit by a car, dog. Yeah, I heard. Three weeks ago, crossing the fucking street.

She broke both her legs. Yeah. I want people to understand that you have to have your eyes open at all times. I don't take nothing for granted. I want people to understand that you have to have your eyes open at all times. I don't take nothing for granted. I don't care if that guy's stopping there. When I'm making that right, I'm watching that motherfucker.

Plus, I got to watch the pedestrians because they will walk out anywhere. Next thing you know, you're dragging a guy three fucking blocks. So I did not know that Wendy was hit by a car. I knew she was in a car accident. know that Wendy was hit by a car. I knew she was in a car accident. No, she got hit by a car. There was no right of way, the whole thing. I mean, somebody was telling me the story. I mean, it was just, you have to pay fucking attention.

So I drive. There's only a little New York in my drive. There's only a little New York in my drive. Number two, I drive away from people. I do take the two or three car lanes. I never did that until about ten years ago before I rear-ended somebody. You know,

we're driving in a place where you have to assume unless you're fucking stupid that 30% of the people for the last ten years have been driving high. Then you got to add another 20% for people that are texting and driving. Then you got to add another 10% for people who are just visiting here

and are looking around going, oh, my God, look how beautiful California is. It's a fuck. Every time you get in a car, you have to drive a certain way. Was it how I thought 20 years ago? No, I want to get there. Why do you think I'm against high-speed cars? I want to do 90, Joe. I'm getting a Porsche.

I'm doing 90. I'll rip the ticket up. You give me a ticket, I'm ripping it up. I knew you were going to get one of those Cadillacs for a while, but you decided not to. Because I got a foot. You ever see my feet? My foot just. They're very large.

They're very large. And once they rest on you, it's 90. Okay, so your foot's resting on that gas pedal. I made it to San Diego and back. Don't say anybody. Don't tell people. No, I got to tell people the secret. It's not illegal.

Okay. I'm sick and tired of people coming to me going, oh my God, the drive to San Diego was horrific. What time did you go? One in the afternoon. Can I smack you now? Or should I smack you in the mouth later?

That's four hours. That's three and a half. Isn't that crazy that it takes that long? But if you get in your car at nine and you do fucking 80, because all you need to do is get out of L.A. Once you pass the Commerce Casino, it's a river dirt sheet. Nobody gives a Frenchman's fuck.

You stay in that second to left lane and you're just doing 75, 80. It's an hour, an hour 45. On the way back, I made it from La Jolla in an hour 30. Whoa. Because that's the easy route. As soon as you hit the five north, you're banging out. That's quick. All the way to Camp Pendleton.

You're hitting 80. You know what I'm saying? You don't give a fuck. It's a weird area. You got fucking serious on. It's nobody out there. It's a weird area, though, too, when you're coming back from San Diego because it's militarized. And then you're hitting 80, 80, 80, 80, 80.

Then when the road starts to thin, that means you're about to hit immigration. They're going to ask you if you got oranges. They're never out there. Those motherfuckers haven't been out there since 9-11, all right? Once I hit that point, I kick it to 100 until I hit Irvine. Once I hit Irvine Spectrum, I come down to about 80, 80, 80, 80, and then I see L.A., 19 miles, back up to 100, but then you're going to hit traffic. Oh, my God.

Because you're going to hit the 10, the 5. Everybody's hooking up. You can get on the 101, but then I get back on that 134, and that 134, the 5 goes into the 134, and next thing you know, you're home. No drama. The night driving from San Diego is the way to do it. Yeah, you definitely want to drive home after the gig.

You don't want to wait for the morning. Fuck no. Sometimes you're so tired, you're scared. you're scared no no that morning but that wheel that morning adds two hours no yeah you stop you get yourself a nice coffee and you fucking zang it all the way back to los angeles no you're right that's what you definitely should do but man what that you know what the the key for folks who you worry about falling asleep in your car while you're driving? Get a rag or a T-shirt and get some ice. It's the best.

Wet rag with ice in it is the best. Just rub it on your face real quick, and it wakes you right the fuck up, and it lasts for a few minutes. And then just do it again a few minutes later, and you'll be fine the whole way home. If you can keep ice in like a washcloth or something like that with ice in it, and it gets wet, just keep rubbing your face, it's better than anything. I used to smack myself in the face. When I was getting up early in the morning to do newspapers, when I was delivering newspapers, and then I would do gigs at night, I was fucking tired, man. And I would be coming back at midnight from this gig, and I knew I had to get up at 5 a.m. to deliver newspapers, depending upon the day. And I would just fucking smack myself in the face because I was falling asleep at 5 a.m. to deliver newspapers depending upon the day. And I would just fucking smack myself in the face

because I was falling asleep at the wheel. I would just feel my eyes getting heavy and I'm opening them up and I couldn't keep it. I'd just fucking whack. And if you whack yourself in the face, it lasts for like a couple of minutes. You're like, jeez. My whole face would be stinging.

Seriously, slap myself really hard in the face. I was never a fucking coffee guy. As a kid, I mingled in Cuban coffee, but then I just strayed away from it. So when I first started triple runs, I would have my kid at 2 in the afternoons on Sunday, and I would get off stage in Boise, Idaho at 11.30 on a triple run.

My car would be filled with gas. And I'd get in it and I'd inhale four or five of those no-dose. And I would go to a gas station and get the biggest Mountain Dew they ever had in their life. And that would go for six hours. I would eat no-dose. But one of the worst experiences I ever had was I was falling asleep like I was done. And it was fucking ten below

zero, you know. And I pulled over on the side of the road. I turned my lights on. I put the brake lights on. And I kicked the seat back and laid down with the heat blasting and the car was on. And at one point I opened up my eyes and I thought I had lost control and the car was on and at one point your broken I opened up my

eyes and I thought I had lost control of the car in your mind you feel like it but I lose that I remember holding on to the steering wheel and my heart almost stopped and going thank God and get fucking hit here but I was a no-dose this is way before Red Bull Blue Bull bull whatever that is yeah but i still remember doing coke all night and shooting a short film for fox and i'll never forget that they gave me two red bulls i drank two of them and i still fell asleep and this is that i go red bull sucks what the is a red bull gonna do to have a joke about it. Yeah. About a Coke you do.

Yeah. The fucking Red Bull don't do dick. Hey, what do you think of this John Jones shit that's going on? Do you know what's happened? The UFC's moving from Vegas to Los Angeles. I saw this last night when I got home from the comedy store. Break it down for me. I'm having Jeff Nowitzki come on and break it down scientifically on Thursday. A lot of people are calling bullshit, including Daniel Cormier.

I talked to Cormier on the phone. He was like, he tested positive again. Can you believe this shit? And they're going to let him fight. I found out about it from Cormier. Cormier told him, they're going to move the fight to LA. I go, no. He goes, yes, Joe.

They're moving the fight to LA. I'm like, no, this can't be real. It didn't seem real. I'm like, I don't believe this. I looked at his cormier's twitter and i said it said he tested positive again and then i looked i went what this is like first thing in the morning and he's like again again but from what i understand from uh reading ariel helwani's uh transcript of his interview with Andy Foster

and hearing what Jeff Nowitzki has had to say about it. What it is is the amount of it is so infinitesimal, and it's the exact same metabolite that he had been screened for, that he tested positive for a year ago, and that this shit could stay in a system in those kind of sizes of the molecule it's like some 500 millionth of a grain of sand or something like that see google what the actual number of like how small this molecule is so andy foster has said again through this transcription of this uh interview that he did with Ariel Helwani,

that it's the same metabolite for the same substance that he tested positive for, that this is the same instance, that the number of it, and it indicates that this is something he's already been punished for. It's the same exact. He's already gone through his steps, and this is just an infinitesimally small metabolite. That's what I'm hearing. So I would love to hear someone who doesn't think that that's the case, that thinks there might be some way to game the system. And the big thought that people always bring up when it comes to this stuff is microdosing, someone microdosing.

Like you're the one who told me about that first. You were telling me about somebody. Alex Rodriguez. Yeah, who is taking gummy bears that were testosterone. And he would be up for the seventh, eighth, and ninth inning. But by the time the tenth inning came, if they tested him, it would be out of his system. So I would imagine the testing is better now, and this is one of the things that Nowitzki

wants to get into, that the testing is far superior now, so you're able to pick up these metabolites in much, much smaller quantities. Okay. So this is... So this test is from December 9th. Yes. I want to see what his test was leading up to that and since then. Apparently it was clean before that.

He said we were notified earlier this month of an issue he has had over his most recent test where a very small amount, I'll in fact describe how small it is, of a long-term metabolite substance called DHC-MT known as oral turinabol, which is the reason for its most recent suspension a year and a half ago. Very, very small amount,

but there was a number that... I thought he said it too, but I don't know why it's not there. Where does it say the number? There was a...

He said like rice. Yeah, something like how much smaller it is than a grain of rice. Is it... Can't find it. Yeah.

Let's try to find it. Yeah, look, I get how everybody would be fucking pissed i get how everybody would think that he's a cheater he's cheating again i get that you would think that but i don't know if that's true and if it's not true it would be a shame to accuse him of it if it is the same stuff that was in his system that was ruled to be from a tainted supplement. Here it is.

A picogram is one trillionth of a gram, Novitsky said. If you put one grain of salt on a table and split it up into 50 million pieces, a picogram is one of those pieces of that gram of salt, which is insane. So that grain of salt, it's 50 million times smaller than that. It's crazy. So it's very, very, very, very small. So if this is true, and they believe it's true, and the guy who runs the California State Athletic Commission, Andy Foster,

I have a great deal, tremendous amount of respect for that guy. Very proactive with weight cutting, very proactive with weight classes, very proactive with a lot of the rules. He's really good. If he believes that this has scientifically been proven to be from the same exact thing that he already has been punished for, I agree with him. That guy knows what the fuck he's talking about, and he's legit legit so is Novitskiy so are these people that are all saying that

it's legit here's the question though have other people been still punished for the exact same crime have other people tested positive again for the exact same thing this I do not know and uh i don't know if people are looking into that if there is any preferential treatment that would be where the argument would be with preferential treatment these fucking tainted supplements are a legitimate problem i mean novitsky showed us hundreds and hundreds of supplements you could buy at any store that has you know vitamins and muscle builders and all those kind of things that test positive for steroids. There's a shit ton of them out there, man.

You can get a lot of stuff in these systems. But then there's also people that are taking steroids. So how do you know who's who? The only way to find out who's who is don't take shit. Don't take anything. Unless it's third-party tested. Don't take anything controversial. Don't take anything squirrely.

And sometimes people do. And it's fucked up that maybe they like a supplement, maybe they've had good results with it, and then they get one bad batch. That's possible, too. I just want to know that this was from December 9th. I want to know what the levels of that drug they found were before December 9th. It takes a long time to go away. I understand. But every time you urine, the levels should get lower and lower and lower.

I think what they're saying is this is the lowest detectable number. So there's no lower than this. So they should have found this before this higher. Maybe not. See, these numbers numbers the way it's been explained to me and again i'm not a fucking scientist but the way it's been explained to me this number is so small that it could conceivably be tested in one test and not tested another test and then also as the testing procedures get more and more thorough they get better at it they're

detecting things they couldn't detect maybe even just a year ago like it's continued the the technology is to continuing to grow and they're getting much better at understanding how to use it and how to how to advance it so it's not as simple as you test positive a year ago you test negative today like they they might have better methods of detection today than they had a year ago. You got arrested today, Joe. The judge is going to say, Joe Rogan, I'm releasing you on bail. But the DA wants you to take a urine test. Right.

And samples, and if you come back dirty. The first you weigh is free. They know who Joe Rogan is. You're going to go in there and your THC levels are going to be off the chain. This is going to be off the chain. This is going to be off the chain. When is going to be off the chain. This is going to be off the chain. When they come back, they're going to call you. And they're going to go, Joe Rogan, this is what it was.

Now, this is this. The next time we test you, it better not be higher than 26% because we know you're using. This is in 1987. The lady told me. Right. I'll know if you're using or not. And I stayed to the program and it went down'll know if you're using or not. And I stayed to the program, and it went down, down, down, down, down.

And then I joined the voluntary group, and my buddy sent me an eighth of Thai weed. And I remember smoking a joint and going back, and the guy's like, Dog, did you smoke a joint before you came in for the test? It was like levels we've never seen before. I'm telling you about this. This is a funny joke and whatever, but I want to see the test before the ninth, and I want to see the test, the most recent test. Those levels had to go down. I understand what you're saying, Joey, but it's not necessarily correct. Unless he did the steroid during non-competition season, which they're allowed to do whatever the fuck they want.

No, they're not. That's not true. They're never allowed to do that. I don't know what the fuck they're allowed to do. No, they can never take steroids. There's a banned list of things they can never, ever have in their system. See, if you're not fighting, they'll still test you. See, if you don't have a camp, you're not in camp, you don't have a bout lined up,

they'll still test you. They'll say, hey Joey Diaz, how are you? Come on in the bathroom, we're going to get some fluids from you. I don't know if they're using just urine or if it's urine and blood. I'm not sure with the protocol, but I do know that it's very thorough. And they're catching people for things that they would have never

caught them for in the past. And this is one of the things about this test. It could possibly be, as it's been explained to me, that this number is so fucking small that they might not have even been able to detect it a year ago. That this number, this insanely small number, there's new levels of detection now. Whereas he would be completely negative X amount of time in the past. Now they can test it and they can find that insanely 50 millionth of a grain of salt size particle. It's so fucking small that they weren't able to catch something like that X amount of time

in the past, whether it's a year ago or two years, but now they can. And in the future, it's going to be even better. They're going to keep getting better at this stuff as they advance the technology. That's, as it's been explained to me, what you're seeing here. What you're seeing here is not evidence of new drug use. It's evidence that the testing is far better and that

he has this exact same metabolite and he definitely did have it in his system because they're finding it a year later in this teeny, teeny, teeny, teeny, teeny tiny amount. His body hasn't completely gotten rid of it yet. It's still in there. The question is how long does that stuff stay in your system? They've said through normal detection, I believe, Google this, make sure this is correct.

But through normal detection, it's not, I mean, from whatever the time they wrote this stuff out. I believe they were saying it could be detected up to 18 months. But again, as this technology gets better and they can detect smaller and smaller particles, it's potentially possible that that might extend. So it might not just be 18 months, it might be 19 or 20

or who knows how long it takes for your body to get rid of that shit. Now the guys like Cormier and Gustafson and guys that, you know, they look at this as where they's smoke, there's fire, Joe. Yes. You know. And they have a point, too.

And they have a point, also. I'm not mad at them for that. I'm a big fan of John Jones personally. I am, too. For what he does. I love him to death. When I saw him in Albuquerque, he came to the show. We laughed. I don't think, I don't know what to think anymore.

You know, I don't know what to think. This one really, you know, and I feel bad. You and I both know this is the card of the year. It's a phenomenal card. This is the card when people fly in and they make plans around it and they do a bunch of stuff around it i feel bad for those people i know what this is like for them they just lost this saturday night activity well in vegas it takes a big hit too because this was going to be taking place in vegas all those people are going to be in town it's going to be a

tremendous amount of money for the casinos and you know I'm sure it was a lot of money for them there. It was a big thing to have there and a bigger arena. So they're moving it to the Forum, which is a smaller place. The Forum in Inglewood is, I don't know how much smaller it is than T-Mobile Arena. Dana was saying he could make about $6 million on the gate at T-Mobile Arena, and he's going to be lucky to make a million in the forum. That makes sense. It's just different prices, too, in Vegas,

and also the fact that it's such short timing. I don't know what they do with the original tickets. I don't know how it works. This is what happened the very first UFC I ever did. The very first UFC I ever worked was in Dothan, Alabama, UFC 12, but it was supposed to be in New York State. They canceled it in New York State. They wouldn't let them do it, and they switched the whole thing overnight down to Dothan, Alabama, UFC 12, but it was supposed to be New York State. They canceled it in New York State. They wouldn't let them do it, and they switched the whole thing overnight

down to Dothan, Alabama. They'd take one of them helicopter planes and fly in to fucking Dothan. It was weird. It was weird back then, man. But that's the only time I've ever heard of something changing this close to. That was one day. This is one week. I've never heard of an event changing close to that was one day this is one week i've never heard of an event changing like this before not that i can remember i don't know what

the fuck is happening i really don't but they seem very confident that you're not dealing with someone who's taking a drug again you're dealing with the very same drug that he took x amount of months ago still in his system the drug that he's already been punished for. I understand that people get mad, but you don't want to accuse someone of something that they're not really guilty of. He's definitely guilty of taking it the first time. People are accusing him of being stupid and taking it again. I don't think that's true. I don't know for a fact,

but what I'm reading from actual experts leads me to believe that they're making sense. But I would have to talk to someone who disagrees, who knows more about it than me, to really form an opinion. So my opinion is like, well, if I had a bet, I would say he probably didn't do anything. But I would like to talk to someone who's like a real fucking expert who could break down exactly what the process is,

who could tell you if it is even possible that this could be from another ingestion somewhere along the line. And you want me to tell you what the sad, sad thing about this whole situation is? What? That it really, really, from the bottom of my heart, was a great card. Oh, it's a great card. You know, when BJ Penn's on a card and nobody even talks about it.

Yeah. Nobody even mentioned BJ Penn. Well, you know, BJ's had some tough fights. I was looking for Carlos and Michael Chiesa, you know, Amanda Nunes and Cyborg. I haven't slept for a week trying to figure that fight out. John Jones, Gustafson, just to look at it, let's pretend it's still in Vegas. You know, you got a guy who's been active, a guy who's been fighting, a guy who's angry,

a guy who felt he beat John Jones the first time against a very, very talented, dangerous, and rested Jon Jones. Is there ring dust? You know, is there ring rust? I'm sorry, ring dust. What the fuck am I talking about? You know, look at this. You know, Chris Cyborg has been bitch slapping motherfuckers since day one.

Amanda Nunes is something that you taught me about that's not around anymore and that's being slick amanda nunez is very slick she's taking out some tough opponents you know she hits very hard she hits very hard long arms really wide shoulders fucking carlos conduit michael chaser This is a great fucking fight right here. You know, Chad Mendes, Alexander Volkanovski. Fucking tremendous. That's a great fight, too. Chad Mendes looked amazing in his comeback fight.

When you scroll back up to the Chris Cyborg, Amanda Nunes fight. I read Chris Corey Anderson's letter. His real heartbreak and his wife's seven months pregnant. Now they got to get to L.A. You know, this has to be taken care of. It's a disaster. But this, honestly, guys, was one of those cards that I look at and go, okay, one of the main two fights. I know favorite on paper, you got to go with Cyborg and Jon Jones.

But guess what, people? You never seen a bookie with a part-time job. So somebody's got to lose one of these fights. Keep scrolling if you don't mind. See, the thing about Chris Cyborg is she's not just good. She's good and big. Oh, Katzengano, Megan Anderson. Andre Olasky's fighting on this card.

She's Australian. You've got to say Megan. Megan, whatever. You know me, dog. I'm no fucking English major. And you've got BJ Penn, Ryan fucking Hall. I think that's the first fight of the night. It's the first fight of the night.

Crazy. Yeah. I saw a picture of Kat Sangano on Instagram the other day. She looks phenomenal. She looks fucking phenomenal, bro. So it's a shame that this had to be done I'm sorry I'm behind the times I'm happy that the fights are taking place

I'm just happy that they're taking place I'm sorry that everybody gets their life disrupted and their families have to go from Vegas to LA to see the fight I'm sorry about all the hotel bullshit that they have to deal with but I'm very happy that the fight is still taking place I would love it if Uber ran a fucking special for people.

Just a flat. Yeah. Just run a flat for fucking people out of Vegas. 300. That's never going to happen. Bro, you never know, Joe Rogan. You never know. You never know.

People need fucking action. Come on, let's go. Uber, step up, bitch. Make a flat rate for three fucking people to fucking forum and 300 back. People would do it. No one's driving in an Uber. Some guy farting in a car all the way from Vegas to LA. Get out of here.

Why would you do that when you take a flight? Because the flight's going to be- Southwest's not that expensive. Uber's more expensive. It is on a day's notice. Is it? How much does Southwest cost? It's $255.

But here's the thing. It's 300. It's 300 to drive in a car with a guy farting for three hours. But for three, 300 divided by three, I save 200 something, Joe Rogan. Probably more than 300. You have to look at them from their perspective. You know, they've already fucking taken a plane ticket. Oh, listen, I understand.

They're losing a day of work. This is a lot. Well, also, they can't gamble. Like, a lot of people love the combination of gambling and going to the fights. And going to a show. They're looking forward to it. Exactly. So a lot of people are stuck. A lot of people are going, of gambling and going to the fights and going to the show exactly so a lot of people are stuck a lot of people gonna fuck it i just take my money from the ticket yep and stay and gamble an extra day or whatever because what's it gonna cost me to uber to la get out party who are you gonna come to a lane just get in the car that's you trying to tell me no you want to go to a party yeah who am i uh what's

his name john jones might be having a party carlos conduit might be having an after party uriah hall i think uriah hall's on this card too is he wasn't in the uh yeah uriah hall's on this card i think yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah after yeah, yeah. After BJ Penn? Before. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, we didn't see it. Look at this part.

God knows who's having Brian Keller. C.R. Bahadurzada's fighting Curtis Millinder. That is a fucking sleeper fight right there. Yeah, no. C.R. is a fucking beast, man. This is very sad. Curtis Millinder, that guy is, he's got serious potential. He's got like superstar, future superstar potential. He's very good potential he's got like superstar future superstar potential he's very

good that's a that's a good fight i like that a lot curtis millinder is the one he fought um tiago uh alves and stopped him right click on that make sure that's correct does it uh show his uh record Does it show his record? How good is their website now? It's pretty good? Yeah, that's it. Tiago Alves. He beat Tiago Alves.

Yeah. And then he beat Max Griffin. He's a beast, man. He's very good. Real massive future potential. And Bahar Dezada knocks people dead. He hits hard. That's a sleeper fight.

That's a fight that no one's talking about. Very, very good fight. It's going to be a great card, man. I'm happy the card's happening. I hope everybody gets compensated. I'm sorry that the UFC loses money. I'm sorry that everybody gets dragged through. I don't understand why they couldn't just figure out this in Nevada. I guess they're on vacation or some shit.

That's so crazy. Figure it out. Everybody, let's make a phone call. Like, isn't there one person who could do it? Some person should say, okay, is it to the best of your knowledge, absolutely from the original test? Yes, sir, by all the science. We're going to submit the science, and we're going to show you the science.

We're going to tell you the number. Okay, let him fight. What the fuck are you letting him fight? Let him fight! If you're going to let him fight in California, let them fucking fight in Nevada. Stupid. How fucked up is bureaucracy? It's just dumb.

Stupid. In this case, it's stupid. In this case, it's a fucking, they're on vacation? Yes. Well, let's have a fucking emergency meeting. Yeah. Let's say Vegas, the tourism board in Vegas must be steaming. Hey, ask this.

Ask this. Google this. Find out who's disputing. If anybody makes any sense. If there's a scientist or someone like that who says that it could be microdosing or that what the California State Athletic Commission's understanding of it is not correct. Let's find out if there's anybody that has written anything about that. I'm upset. I just wanted this fight to take place without any bullshit behind it. I just

want it to be a great fight. It's an amazing matchup. I think Gustafson, especially against Glover Teixeira, has never looked better. He's long as John. He's got crazy footwork. He's the first guy to ever take John down. It was a fucking tough fight,

regardless of whether or not John prepared much for it. I don't think he did prepare as good as he could have. Gustafson's better, I think, than he was when that fight took place. I really do think he's better. It's fucking phenomenal. It's an amazing fight. And John's going to be so motivated to try, I mean, to get stripped the way he got stripped, all the different things that he's fucked up, to have a chance at redemption. He's going to be so motivated to try i mean to get stripped the way he got stripped all the different things that he's fucked up to have a chance at redemption he's going to be so motivated but you also have to consider the incredible amount of pressure he's going to be under too historically though he's a guy who shines under pressure i mean stop shogun in his first title fight when he was what was he 22 or something like that he's monster. John's always been good at fighting top-level competition, good at handling the stress.

This is a different kind of stress. This is I fucked up stress. It's not this is a big fight. This is a big fight plus I fucked up and everybody knows I fucked up. And this is not even the current fuck-up. It's reminding him of the past fuck-up. And then there's the other stuff, the car accident and all the other

crazy shit. All of it's bad. But he has an opportunity at redemption. It's just when you know how much is on the line. Because he's undefeated, right? Except for the Matt Hamill fight, which we know he was destroying Hamill and he was disqualified. It wasn't a

real loss like somebody beat him. He's beaten everybody. That's unprecedented. Outside of Khabib Nurmag real loss like somebody beat him. He's beaten everybody. That's unprecedented. Outside of Khabib Nurmagomedov, nobody beats everybody. John's beaten everybody. So there's going to be a certain amount of people that are looking forward for him to fail. And he feels that too. There's a lot going on, man.

There's a lot going on in this fight. And Gustafson is fucking good. You ever see the combination he knocked out Clover Teixeira with? Woo! That's like some video game shit, man. It was like he was in Mortal Kombat. It was tremendous. His footwork, everything.

I was really, I got to work Saturday night. I'm working. I'm an astronaut all weekend. Are you really? Yeah. I forgot. I thought it was this last weekend. It's a great club.

I thought it was this last weekend. So I called the store. I called in, and then I go, fuck, no, I'm not missing that. And I called back and canceled. And then like Wednesday, I go, what the fuck am I thinking? So I ended up back at the store Saturday night. I squeezed on to Brian's show. I got to see Tiffany Haddish. I hadn't seen her since she busted out and became a star.

It was great just to see her and bullshit with her. And then last night I went down there and there was two shows. And I'm leaving and they're like, hey, do you want to open up for Chappelle? I go, Chappelle? Where? And they go, he's doing a show in the Belly Room. There was a fucking line around the corner. On a Sunday night.

I pulled out of there. I was like, this is crazy. This is getting so fucking insane. I took two weeks off from getting on stage. After La Jolla, I did two nights

in La Jolla and that was tremendous too, Joe Rogan. La Jolla is amazing. You know, La Jolla is the room you go to when you want to put,

you want to thread that hour together. They take the ride with you. That's one that hour together. They take the ride with you. That's one of the few rooms that takes the ride with you. Did you do two shows a night down there? Yeah, I did two shows. Two shows a night, two shows a night? Yeah.

Yeah, that place is amazing. That's like a comedy store south. Yeah. It really is. But a little bit more loose. Yeah. Even though it's Friday and Saturday, we'll let you try some new shit.

They're fun people down there, man. Very fun. That's a nice area. Like San Diego has a lot of the same qualities that LA has, but it's more like a little bit more of the rest of the country. La Jolla is beautiful. I even went to Rada Jiu Jitsu. I trained one day down there.

The place is right next to the fucking comedy store. Really? Yeah. I just looked it up, called the guy. That's awesome. I was 11. You know, La Jolla is, that's where you move to when you got a lot of Gators. That's a lot of Gators.

Doesn't Dick Cheney live down there? He lives on that Coronado Island, doesn't he? I don't know. Or Donald Rumsfeld. I don't know who fucking lives down there. A lot of rich dudes. But it is just gorgeous. You can't see at night.

There's no lights on the streets. There's nothing. They encourage that. Listen, 930. Go to bed. Go to fucking bed. Go to bed. All right?

We don't want you. You want to mingle? Go to fucking down the side, whatever street. Scotty Shore lives down there. He showed up. Did he? He showed up on Saturday night. He's great.

Gave me a hug. It was great to see him. Did he have his little dog with him? He had the little dog with him. Because I do a joke about a guy getting his dick sucked with a dog. So at the end, he goes, did I inspire you? Did you see the dog? I go, no, I didn't see the dog.

That's hilarious. He came down to see Lou still playing the piano. I mean, the comedy store down there did not lose anything except Mitzi Shaw. Plus, it's got more shit on the walls that you look at and really makes you think. There's pictures of green rooms with Jim Carrey and Paul Rodriguez and Dice Clay and Louis Anderson

at a time that they didn't even know there were going to be stars. How many shows have we done down there? God, we did a lot of shows down there, Joe. A lot of shows down there, dog. When did we first start working together down there? I think the first time... The 90s, I think.

Yeah, I think the first... It was like the late 90s. The first time I went down there, I went down there with a girl comic. Who was it? I don't remember what her name was. It was a very uncomfortable weekend because she was clean. Oh, you had to stay in the condo with her? Yeah. Oh, that's crazy.

That was very dirty. Imagine being a girl and being forced to stay in a condo with a guy that you don't even know. She stayed in the headliner room. I stayed in the feature room at that time. Still, it's weird. Then I went down there. She wouldn't book me down there. But once she started booking me, she booked me

a lot. Mitzi. Yeah, and I remember going down there one time and I went down there with Marilyn Martinez and her husband. And we weren't there an hour and Marilyn Martinez' husband comes. And we weren't there an hour. And Marilyn Martinez' husband comes out with a fucking rat. Whoa. With a rat.

And a trap? A trap that he set. He goes, we weren't here, motherfucker. Because the rumor was there were rats down there. Be careful. Ooh. So he went down there and set traps up. Within an hour, you hear, bah!

Oh, my God. The fucking thing had to be nine inches long, the tail. And I'll never forget going on the balcony and hearing them in the weeds. I packed up my little sleep apnea machine, and I fucking drove back home. I fucking hate rats. I fucking hate it. Well, the store has so many rats. That back area.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They're fucking popping out every time you're sitting back there. There's a little, for folks that are listening to this, there's a little back bar area where only comics and their friends can go. And behind the back bar is a smoking area. And that smoking area has these railroad ties. These railroad ties. These rats will run in and out of these ties and over the top.

Do you see them lately? All the time. All the time. If I'm back there for more than 15 minutes, I'm seeing a rat. And if you go near the hedges by the dumpster, that's where they really are. The back area is not that big. It's the hills. The hills are filled with rats.

The Hollywood Hills are filled with rats. And occasionally we have cats that hang around the parking lot of the comedy store, like local feral cats. But they don't get the rats because the rats go in the fucking vines. Those vines that cover the side of the comedy store ramp, the ramp that leads up to the Ondaz Hotel, those vines are all rats. That's a rat village. It's crazy how much sound they make. When you park in the car, you hear them scurrying. There's probably hundreds of rats there.

Dude. I know whenever I park my car, but I dumpster, I close the windows. Because I know I don't want to jump into a car with a fucking... Listen to me. I just leave fucking... I leave Aspen. i owe like eighty thousand dollars i got eight people looking for me the cops are looking for me i go from aspen to boulder i need a job so i take a job making joe i'm not kidding you 160 a week 60 Wow. As a fucking shag,

which I'm the guy that takes a car from you in the body shop. When you pull up, I'm the guy that takes it, and I wash it, and then they start the body work. And then after they've done the body work, I'm the guy that washes it. And if you do that for three or four months, then they turn you into a detailer. And I passed the test, and I became a detailer.

You made $160 a week? Oh, it was fucking garbage. I was starving. Starving. But I was good, and I became a detailer. The detailing was commissioned, and you made $100 to $150 a day, and, you know, I was enjoying it. But the guy I had as a boss was a dick. His name was Dirk Jordan.

He was just a dick, dog. He was one of those guys that was one of us, but one day he got the manager's job. And one night I'm back there washing a fucking car, and I see a dead rat. And I picked the fucking rat up. And he had his jacket hanging by the door I put the dead rat in his pocket right of his jacket right you know me though

I go home I get stoned I don't know nothing the next morning he comes in bro and his cat car is fucked up like he hit like a pole he reached in and fell the rat. He went in his pocket to get a cigarette. And he pulled the fucking rat out.

And he fucking just went crazy and hit like a pole. He came in running. I know who did this. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. And he kept blaming some other guy. I'm sitting there all the time fucking giggling my fucking ass off. Bosses. Fuck, man.

That's one of the worst relationships ever. A boss and employee. One of the worst relationships. Some guy gets to tell you what to do. He's the fucking, he's the head guy at the office. You got to listen to this fuckhead. That is one of the worst positions to be in. Working for a guy who's a dick.

And that power that someone would have, you know, if you moved on up and became the office manager, you can control people's future, control whether they get a raise, how much time they get off. You can make the decisions. Whether or not you allowed them to do certain things.

It's a fucking terrible relationship. What was the worst boss you ever had? Let's come on, be clean. All of them were in construction. What was the first guy you looked at and said, you know what? If I ever see you outside of here, I'm going to fuck you up. I never said that. But guys in construction, they would get real dicky.

I did one time, there was a guy when I was a teenager that was talking a bunch of shit. He would hit me with a hammer. real dick you i did one time there was a guy when i was a teenager that was talking a bunch of shit he would hit me with a hammer yeah there was a because he got he got aggressive with me and it was it wasn't in a way where um i deserved it he was just bullying me and i was like 16 17 but i already had a fuckload of fights by then like you know taekwondo fights i was like dude i'll kick you in your fucking head like you talk a bunch ofondo fights i was like dude i'll kick you in your fucking head like you talk a bunch of crazy shit to me like this like he was talking to me in uh not just a way like a boss employee he was talking to me in a way where i was gonna have to quit

but i never never never said i was gonna do anything to him i didn't like threaten him and say i'll see you after this and i'll fuck you up. I said, don't talk to me like that because I could fuck you up. That's basically what I said to him. But that's the thing about construction. There was a lot of man-to-man type conflict. It wasn't unheard of to hear about street fights between guys who were working together. They got pissed and pushed each other and punched each other in the fucking snow. Dudes carrying roofing tiles.

One guy knocks another guy over or something. They start fighting. That shit happened all the time. There's a lot of the people that were doing labor too were like real dirtbags. There was this one guy that I did labor with. I worked with my friend Leroy Rodriguez and his buddy. They had some business partner. They would take apart old houses and redo them.

Leroy was one of the black belts at the Taekwondo Institute. He was a bad motherfucker. And Leroy got me this gig. And I worked with these guys laboring. And one of the guys we worked with lived in this fucked up, abandoned building. Well, not abandoned, but stripped out building. I mean, there was parts of the building where there was no

floor. It was all fucked up. Half the walls were missing. They were redoing the whole building and taking things out and fixing things. This guy lived there and he had a Mountain Dew jug filled with malt liquor. And he would drink it warm all day. And he had the shakes. Everything he did, the dude had the shakes. He was just drunk all day on a crazy job site where, like, you know, there's no floors sometimes.

Everything's all fucked up. You have to balance when you're going from one room to the other because they're tearing down parts of the wall. And this guy somehow or another fucking slid on through drinking the entire time. And I remember thinking, these are people that have made questionable decisions. It makes you want to go back to college. It makes you want to get a degree. When you're around a lot of these guys like laborers and stuff,

some of them are just like me. They're just young guys who need a gig and they need money. And some of them are dudes who have been doing it their whole life and they're 50 and they're drunk. Oh, my God. Yeah. And their body is falling apart. You see that and you feel terrible about yourself. Yeah.

I don't know if I want to do this. I definitely knew I didn't want to do it. I definitely knew I didn't want to do it. Well, to be a carpenter is a different gig. Like a real good carpenter, that's a skilled craftsman and an artist. You're putting together things. That's different. But the laborer gig was not like you didn't really have to know anything.

You just had to be big enough to listen to them, big enough to pick things up. Can you go get that? Go get me that bag of cement. All right, you guys are going to take nails out of these boards now. And it was like that kind of shit. You just hung out with the weirdest people, man. guy i remember joe rogan i was clean from coke i was clean about 90 days i was really trying to turn my life around and i answered an ad for construction uh carpenter's helper and he hired me I went and the first day he had to work for free you worked for free yeah

he abused me yeah so I said okay I agreed to it I met you wow first day work for free I cut the stuff and you have to go get lunch and the whole thing yeah okay I did it I passed and then the guy would say okay meet me at a diner at eight and And when I'd go get paid, he'd say, what's those hours? And I'd go, you told me to meet you at 8. He goes, no, you should be here at windshield time. So let's say the job, we didn't get to the job by 10. That's when you started getting paid? That's when I started getting paid.

And I was, you know, I was really trying. I lived with a friend. I wanted to give them rent money. I was trying to put away some money. I forget what he paid me. He made me pay for my own lunch. Then one day he said, where's your weight belt? Your, you know, work belt.

I go, I don't have one. He goes, okay, I'll pay. And you have to pay me for the materials plus 30%. Plus 30%? Yeah, you're a fucking scumbag. Just to have like a claw, a fucking hammer, and something else. I forget what it was. To do work for him.

To work for him. You had to have your own tools. And a saw and stuff like that. Yeah, that was always a thing, whether or not you were union or non-union. You know, there was a lot of the work that I did when I was a kid was non-union, and a lot of the people didn't want a union. They felt like the union guys, they had it easier,

but it was too expensive, and people didn't want to, you know, use certain people. So it was like a real debate, like, what's better? For every amount of union people, you have to have a certain amount of non-union. that how it works to balance it out right so everybody makes money but it seems like in some things like auto workers they don't fuck around right no like everybody has to be in just different unions but like construction is different breaks glory time yeah you know there's lists if a job opens up do we get it? You got to go on a list.

Rogan has more minority than Diaz. He started nine months before Diaz. He gets the job. It's not about knowing all that shit. But that dude, I'll never forget that dude's name and what he did and the scumbag he was to me. But on Fridays, he would make me feel bad. Like he'd go, so how many hours did you work? And I'd hours did you work and I go 38 you know I'm paying you for 30 and he bullied me this guy but every Friday he go this Friday I'm going away I'm going here to fuck my wife in the ass and he was always an asshole and

then all of a sudden I got my construct my check I got this check I was waiting for. And one Saturday, I'm sitting there. I'm like, I'm sick of this motherfucker. I'm going to rob his house. And I jumped the fence, and I kicked the back door open. And he was a guy that bought hot shit on the side. I mean, the guy was just a sack of shit. And he must have had, I don't know know how many fucking bottles and cases of Dom Perignon

so I fucking ran up to the corner called my buddy go meet me at this address and I took every bottle of Dom Perignon that he had and I sold him at liquor stores I took his checkbook I mean I buried this fucking guy just for how bad he treated me. He was such a fucking scumbag. Never bought lunch. He was always making, you know,

he was always making little fucking remarks. Well, that's what we were talking about earlier. What happens when a guy gets in a power that's a piece of shit?

Oh, my God. He was such a fucking sack of shit. Become a victim to him. Yeah. I remember I had his t-shirt for a long time.

I used to wear it and smile every time. JHS or some shit like that. Fuck him. That's half of what this Harvey Weinstein thing is about, right? It's about the boss. Yeah. That's what it's about. It's about the boss abusing his power.

The boss fucking the girls so they can get their job. I mean, that's the offer which has probably been going on forever since the caveman like I said especially here

listen they destroyed Marilyn Monroe and that's the ones we know of oh there's probably been millions millions of women

that have come out here that have been put through a fucking process it was always how these guys got power I mean if you look at a guy like Harvey, how else is he going to get laid?

Let's be honest. I mean, is he going to get laid because he's a good looking guy? Or is he going to get laid because he's ruthless and very successful? It would have to be ruthless and very successful. I want to know the ones that slept with him and did win an Oscar. A lot. Well, I don't know that didn't win, but I mean,

there's a lot that did. The story is that there was a lot that did it. I mean, he couldn't have made these offers to all these women that said no and not have some of them say yes. It doesn't make it any less horrible for the women who said no and were hounded by him and whatever went down

and he ruined some careers. But some of them had to say yes. It's just some would make that deal with the devil that happens with a lot of different things people make that deal they make that deal it's worth it you know i mean i joked around about it in my act about harveen and weinstein but that's that's what a lot of guys would do a lot of guys would bang some chick if that's all it took and you can you can get ahead you know you don't have to marry you just have to fuck her how many guys would do that a lot of guys would do that would girls do that too some of them yeah most would not want that to be stuck

in front of their face most would rather make their way through the most the vast majority would rather get by on their merits but there there's always, throughout time, there's been people that fucked their way to the top. That's not a myth. That's not like angels. It's not like pixies and wood elves. People have done it. People have done everything that you can imagine. People have married people for money.

People have killed people for their insurance premiums, or their insurance policies, rather. That happens. When people die die they check the spouse to see if the spouse had a fucking insurance policy if they find out they recently put out a big fat insurance policy then they go sideways you go oh did you and she just vanished in the woods huh that's weird mike mike have a seat we're gonna talk what happened again mike let's just take me through the top tell me what happened you guys went hiking this one in colorado was a weird one.

There's another one that just happened in Colorado. The one where the phone ended up in Idaho, 700 miles away. They saw her leave the supermarket with the child. He supposedly picked her up. I want to know how he got the phone up there. Remember, every car has GPS now. Yeah. So they can test the car.

Unless it's an old truck. Or, you know, there's cars that don't have GPS. There's cars that you get them stripped. They don't have shit in them. But you get a really cheap truck. Pickup truck, no radio. That's the one that baffles me. How the fuck did he get to Idaho?

How about the fucking guy who killed his whole family? How about that guy? Guy killed his wife, killed his whole family? How about that guy? Guy killed his wife, killed his kids. You hear about that guy? Put him in the fucking thing and then now he's saying. Jesus Christ. And he looked so normal. You see a picture of him with his wife?

Well, now the mistress came out. Yeah. The mistress came out. But you look at him, the picture of him with his family, you go, that guy looks so fucking normal. How is he capable of killing his own kid? How is he capable of killing his wife? Jesus Christ. There's certain people out there that just they're fucking broken they're broken

and you and if you're a woman you have to think about that that's the difference between women and men that's the biggest difference the biggest difference is women have to constantly be in fear of a violent man whereas men rarely are in fear of a violent woman it doesn't mean it doesn't happen it happened to my friend phil hartman his wife shot him while he's asleep that did happen of a violent man, whereas men rarely are in fear of a violent woman. It doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It happened to my friend Phil Hartman. His wife shot him while he was asleep. That did happen. But the vast majority, if you're looking at the numbers of people that are afraid of the

opposite sex, it's women that are afraid of men. It's a different environment. It's a different dynamic. It's not like anything that we could ever really truly appreciate, especially if you know how to handle yourself. In that case that happened in Colorado where he killed, is there any past the rest of violence? I don't think so. Nothing.

He just snapped one day, bro. It doesn't make any sense. He just snapped. And this guy here, like I said, the only thing that throws you off is her car phone in Idaho, which meant he had to take her right there, drive to Idaho, which has to be 11, 12 hours, and drive back. Jesus. 770 miles away. And drive back without nobody noticing.

It's totally possible. No gas station attendants recognizing a truck with a child in the back. They have to do a search of every gas station camera to see if he pulled up. And they didn't find him? I don't think they've even gone that deep so far. But they got to figure out how her cell phone ended up in a fucking mailbox.

I just don't understand where people get the fucking... I just don't understand where people get the fucking... It is so tough to ice somebody now and think you're going to get away with it. Between cell phones, drones, cameras, pictures. Think about it. You think about it, how they find everything now. It's way more difficult, that's for sure. But I think if you're in a rural area, rural areas, you could still get away with a lot.

No, no, no. You don't think so? Look at that chick that was jogging from the university or whatever. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's Idaho. Idaho. Was it Iowa? No, no, no, Iowa. Iowa.

Iowa. Iowa. And they caught her with something. They caught her with a drone. I don't know exactly. It's very tough. Joey, I got to pee so bad. Well, then, go ahead.

Go do your thing, brother. I'm going to get pissed. Talk to Jamie, and I'll come back. I'm not done yet. Take your time, but hurry up and shit like that. It's the holiday season. You're sitting around right now thinking, you see what's going on with Joe Rogan? That's what happens when you turn 50, motherfucker.

So prepare. You drink your water. You try to be healthy. But you got to pee all fucking day. This is what I live with. Every fucking night I go to bed, I'm nice and sleepy. And at one point, I got to fucking get up and pee. And it comes out nice and slow to really torture you.

To really make you think about that ham and cheese sandwich in the fucking refrigerator. Should you stay up and eat that fucking thing. Thank God. It's Merry Christmas time. This is the best fucking refrigerator. Should you stay up and eat that fucking thing? Thank God. It's Merry Christmas time. This is the best fucking time because, listen, I ain't doing dick till Thursday. You understand me? How about you, Jamie?

Nothing. Nothing. I ain't doing dick till Thursday. Tonight I'm going to the Crashes with my wife and kid. We're going to sing Mingle Jingle Bells and all that shit. All the kids get together. I'll probably be home by 9 tomorrow i ain't doing dick they're gonna all do an open mic at the gym tomorrow for jujitsu i might have to go down there at 12 just to get some exercise so you get an excuse to eat i'm thinking about dropping into the comedy store on christmas

night it might be boring but it might be an adventure. Then Wednesday, I got dicked. Then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm up there in Oxnard at the Levity Live, so that'll be fun. Listen, it's the weekend before New Year's. Who the fuck's on the show? Are people going to be waiting for New Year's?

Because that's what people do. They go, you know what? I'm just going to wait for New Year's Eve and jump up and down. I fucking hate New Year's Eve. You understand me? I've always hated New Year's Eve. Since I was 18, I hated New Year's Eve. You're asking me why do you hate fucking New Year's Eve?

Because weird things happen. When I was 18 or 17, I saw an RX-7 hit a fucking tree on New Year's Eve and the car got split in half, and the kid was dead. The girl got taken out by the jaws of death. Then the following year, I went to a party, and I saw my buddy Danny B bite off Roger's ear, and we had to drive him to the fucking hospital with a piece of ear in a fucking baggie with ice cubes.

So that's why you never saw me drink on New Year's Eve. Any other time of the night, you had 364 days a year for me to snort coke and eat pills and drink. When it came to New Year's Eve, I minded my fucking business. Why? Because it's just a creepy night. In fact, I'm excited that Joe Rogan's not doing New Year's this year.

Relax. What happened, Rick? I saw that. Is that what happened? The guy fell asleep? Yeah. Yeah, I saw that.

He walked away. I heard. Probably because he was asleep. Probably thought he was in a dream. Didn't stiffen up. That was in another country, right? Yeah, like Bolivia, I think. Dude, I peed more

than I've ever peed in my life right now. That's what happened? I got my blood done recently. Got everything checked up, everything's groovy, but I was dehydrated. So I've been making a point to drink more water. I wonder if I keep myself dehydrated, but that doesn't make any sense because I drink during the show. But I wonder if I do that subconsciously to limit my needing to pee during three-hour conversations. No.

You don't think so? You know what, man? I drink water all fucking day. No. You don't think so? You know what, man? I drink water all fucking day. And every time I walk out of the doctor's office for a physical, he always says, drink more water.

Well, you should always just drink more water. It doesn't hurt. And you know what? I sleep with water next to me, which is big. Do you? You get up and have a sip of water? Yeah. I'll get up, pee, and drink a fucking gallon of water. And then because of the sleep apnea machine, instead of putting fluid in the well,

I just bring a bottle of water with me next door, night to the bed with me at night. And it's really important. If you read up, there's a reason. There's a reason why. You know, because when you're over 50, you pee more. But you have to look it up. When you're by yourself next time in a hotel room there's a reason why

you should sleep hydrated when you're over 50 big reason why well whenever I get in whenever I go to yoga class I always feel like I have to make a conscious effort

to take that fluid back in cause you sweat so much in one of those hot yoga classes like if you don't make a real like don't just drink if you're thirsty you got to make kind of a conscious effort to get those fluids back in your body and you probably should take some electrolytes too i'm some sort of electrolyte supplement i just blast a fucking banana man that's good too i blast two bananas you stay full yep for an hour till two after you eat. I drink water and I also drink a fucking, the after workout drink sometimes.

Bananas are good right before you work out too. No calories, no sugar, no Gatorade, no fucking Monster Energy drink. I don't touch none of that shit. I hate all that shit. Do you? All that shit's going to kill fucking people 20 years from now. Monster Energy and all those energy drinks and shit like that. They're gonna kill people, dog.

My favorite thing is just coffee. Before any kind of workout, just coffee or espresso. I'm cute. Do you know that before I go to the store? Do you know that before I go to the comedy store, I drink a four-shot espresso? Four shots?

Did you know that? I usually drink one of these. Shameless plug for Caveman Nitros. Even my wife would go, how big is that thing? And I'd put that cancer sugar in there. And I'd fucking get in that car. The sugar-free sugar?

Yeah. The saccharin stuff? I'd get in that fucking car and I don't know music. Can't answer sugar. Just me and four cups of espresso. Do you know what's going through my mind? If I have the ball, sometimes I take a toke off the pipe just to cook the espresso up a level,

and I pop a nicotine gum. Oh, my God. Do you know why I'm juiced up by the time I get to the comedy store? Because that's what I put myself through. The nicotine gum is supposed to be legit. From what I understand, nicotine itself is a really good nootropic. They've analyzed the cognitive benefits of nicotine on its own, but it's addictive. I don't think this nicotine gum is very healthy for you. It gives you a juice, right?

It's very healthy for you. But if there was a way. It gives you a juice, right? If there was a way to blast nicotine, like maybe chew it like a tobacco, like a clean tobacco just to give you a little push off the cliff. Yeah. I think it's not bad for you. I remember one of the things that really shocked me. The cops were looking for me. So I jumped on a bus in San Francisco in 1985.

I didn't even know where the bus was going. It was going to a place called Reno. I had never heard of Reno. In those days, you could smoke on a bus. I met a kid from whatever, Egypt, and he smoked with me. At that time, I would never touch a tobacco product, never even consider it. I thought, I'm Cuban, I thought cigars were the worst thing in the world for you.

And I remember we smoked a joint with hash, weed, and tobacco in it. What year was this? Huh? What year was this? 1985. Damn. We smoked a joint on a bus.

I thought my lungs were going to fucking cave in on the tobacco and the hash. Because hash, the problem with hash is no matter what you smoke a hash, it doubles in your lungs. What do you mean? The smoke doubles in your lungs.

How does it do that? Do I look like Johnny fucking Scientist to you? I don't know. Next time one of these smart guys comes on the show, ask them. That doubles in your lungs. I usually smoke hash. I take a pen. You know those pens that people put?

Oh, yeah. You light it on fire and put it under a glass? And put it under a glass and you smoke it clean because that strain of hash and there was something else would double up in your fucking lungs. That's why you cough so hard. I remember when. It expands. It expands. It expands.

I remember when I was a super square. I never did any drugs. Never smoked pot. Never did anything. And I went to an agent's room. I think we were in Montreal. It was me and my manager and this agent who was a friend of ours. And he had a piece of hash that he lit on like a thumbtack under glass.

He blows on it, blows on it, and then he puts the lid on it. I'm washing them. And then he smokes the hash out of it. I was like, I can't believe I'm seeing this guy do drugs. Like this is like a scene in Hollywood. He's out here. He's doing drugs. He's smoking drugs.

Like this is hash. You know what I thought of hash? The fucking movie Midnight Express. That's what I thought. Oh, my God. You're going to go to jail for life. You're going to jerk off in a glass. Like, you're going to have to fight someone and kill them.

Midnight Express is about smuggling hash from Turkey. In my mind, hash was a serious fucking drug. Like, this guy was doing heroin. Like, you're doing hash? You might as well be doing heroin. I was like, I can't believe he's just doing this in front of me. Smoking hash in front of people with a glass scares the fuck out of them.

It's, for someone who doesn't do anything, like, that's a big, it's not like hitting a hit of a joint. You take a hit of a joint, and you go, okay, guy likes to smoke pot. I've seen that before.

You light a piece of hash and put it on a thumbtack and put it under that glass and you get down there and suck it out of the glass. You look like a drug addict. You're sniffing an exhaust fume. The fuck are you doing, man?

If you know anything about me, I've seen some weird people do some drug shit. When I was in New York the other morning, I got up early and there's a movie called Sugar Hill. You ever watch Sugar Hill? Sugar Hill.

I remember the Sugar Hill gang. Sugar Hill is a movie called Sugar Hill. You ever watch Sugar Hill? Sugar Hill. I remember the Sugar Hill gang. Sugar Hill. Sugar Hill is a movie that is possibly Wesley Snipes' best movie. Oh, that was when they were the drug dealers. The drug dealers. Yes, I remember that. Candy Alexander opens up the movie because she plays the mother and she makes them hold the belt. And he goes, why you got to make me hold the belt, Mama?

Because you're the oldest. Hold the belt so I can shoot this goddamn heroine. Mama's sick. Oh, that's right. This is his best movie by fucking far. That was a good movie. Joey, I got to wrap this up. It's 2 o'clock.

Bro, what are we going to do? That's it. How are we going to kick open a new year? We didn't lay a bet. Nothing. Nothing about fucking John Jones. Gus, listen, if you had a bet? We didn't lay a bet. Nothing. Nothing about fucking Jon Jones. Gustafson, if you had to bet it, you didn't give me a breakdown here. If I would bet Jon Jones versus Gustafson?

Yeah, I'm stuck on both fights. That's all I want to tell people. That I wouldn't bet me, I can't bet either of them. They're both very good matchups. Very good matchups. Chris Cyborg, you have to give her an advantage because she's so much bigger and because she just doesn't seem to lose. She's just smashing people.

She's got really, really good technique, and she's super powerful, and she's really big, and she's got a lot of success. And then Amanda Nina is, without a doubt, the hardest hit in Bantamweight. She's a fucking smasher, man. She's with a great camp. She's with AT&T. Long shoulders. She's with a great camp. She's with AT&T. Long shoulders. She keeps people in the end of punches.

She's going to test Cyborg. We're going to find out whether or not she can hurt her. And if we find out if she can hurt her, this could get crazy. Who the fuck knows? Because Amanda Nunes can crack. If she hurts Cyborg, it could get crazy. But if she can't, she hits harder than Holly, I think, in my humble opinion. I think Holly is a great kicker, and Holly is, you know, she's really good at movement, and she's very durable.

And Holly managed to go the full distance with Cyborg, you know. It was a hard fight. It was a hard fight, and she lost that fight. The difference between Holly and Amanda Nunes, I think, is like one-shot power is better for Nunes. But Holly, when she fought Jermaine Durandamy, when she fought Jermaine, she knocked her down. She knocked her down on a straight left. She hurt her. She hurt her a couple times.

She head kicked her. She hit her with a question mark kick and head kicked her. And Jermaine Durandamy is really good. Heavy, heavy-d duty Muay Thai fighter. But she didn't want to fight Cyborg. Holly did. Cyborg's just the biggest and the best in terms of like, you look at her success ratio. You look at the way she beats girls down.

She's so powerful, man. But Amanda is the toughest fight for her ever. This is, yeah, this is a fight. If you go back to Cyborg's fight with Gina Carano, Gina Carano at one point in time was on top of her on the ground. She didn't sustain it, and she lost the fight, and Cyborg eventually smashed her. But Gina had her moments in that fight.

And I don't think Gina was ever the one-shot cracker that Amanda is. However, Cyborg's way better than she was back then. But so is Amanda. Amanda, coming off of the Raquel Pennington fight, you watch that fight, she dominated Raquel Pennington. And I think Raquel's one of the toughest girls in the division. She's a hard woman. And she beats a lot of really good fighters.

And she gave Holly Holm all she could handle and got a split decision. Lost to Holly Holm in Holly's debut in the UFC. I mean, she's fucking good. And Amanda Nunes handled her. It was very, very impressive. It was scary. Like, dismantling. She's beating her up.

I was like, wow. Like, she's on another level now. As a champion, she's gotten even better. She was always really good. She was always really dangerous. But as a champion, she got even better. When she beat Ronda Rousey in 48 seconds, that was the big coming out party.

Like, here we are, baby. She's the best Bantamweight ever, you know, in terms of her ability to knock girls out. Like, she's the scariest of all time. She's the only one. I mean, Cyborg can't make 135. Amanda Nunes can. She's a legit 135 champion, you know,

and she's got it down now, too. She can go five rounds. She can beat the fuck out of you for five rounds now. It's different. It's going to be an interesting fight, you know, and she's got it down now, too. She can go five rounds. She can beat the fuck out of you for five rounds now. It's different. It's going to be an interesting fight, but listen, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. To the JRE family, you know, I love you motherfuckers. Merry Christmas to you, my friend.

Merry Christmas to you, my brother. Always good to see you. Well, I see you at night this week at all. I don't think so. Not this week, but we'll see each other soon for sure. Yeah, after the New Year. After the New Year. All right. Thank you, everybody. Much love. Bye. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. week um but uh we'll see each other soon for sure yeah and uh after new year all right thank you everybody much love bye merry christmas merry christmas happy new year happy hanukkah happy kwanzaa merry everybody