The Joe Rogan Experience - #1225 - Theo Von

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

Theo Von is a stand-up comedian, television personality, host, and actor. Check out his podcast called “This Past Weekend” on Spotify & "The King & The Sting" with Brendan Schaub.

Well, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous was created by a guy who was into LSD. Yeah, Bill W. A real baller. Jamie, I want to show you through your sweater. And it's not a bad sweater, the sweatshirt you're wearing. It's very cool. But this is a symptom of everything is wrong. Go ahead. Are we on we on yet yeah we're on

it's got fake short sleeves it's got fake short sleeves over long sleeves so the the short sleeves are sewed in not so that's not sewed it's not attached how does it work then the short sleeves over top it comes apart but this sleeve part. It's just over top. It comes apart. But this sleeve part. It's not there. It's not attached at all. It's separate. So it's two pieces? Yeah.

I didn't know that when I bought it either. But when you pull the sleeve up, what happens? Nothing. It can come off. Oh, it goes all the way over the top. Yeah, it's like a separate hood. So do you wear the two of them together or are they sewed on? I just bought it.

There's a whole Rocky thing that this company did. They had a whole bunch of pieces. And I was like, oh, that's kind of cool. So Sylvester Stallone is slated to come on the podcast you will wear that correct when he's here please okay all right so is that but that the upper shirt is just laid over the tops shorts long sleeve shirt so you could wear one without the other like you could wear the short sleeve one oh okay it's just two sweatshirts, you know But it's the training

Montage Rockies Oh, it comes as a team Yeah, yeah, yeah Is it heavy or is it light? It is not light at all I'm starting to sweat right now I never shut this door But that'll make you stronger

If you got a heavy shirt I think that's the idea So we are here And if some shit goes down I may have to bolt from the podcast Oh, yeah Because there's mandatory evacuations All around here Really? We are here, and if some shit goes down, I may have to bolt from the podcast. Oh, yeah. Because there's mandatory evacuations all around here.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it, bees? Where I live, all in Ventura County, there's all these mandatory bees. Yeah, honey bees. Is it really? Yeah, they're making too much honey. They're worried people are going to die. What is it?

Mud slides. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. I had to pull off La Cienega one time. They had a bunch of bees on there. What? Really? Yeah. Huge hives, man. Wow. And you see, you know, a lot of homeless people

and they don't do anything, but when bees show up, they fucking get to doing shit. You know? That's one thing I noticed quickly. They get out of there. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it interesting how they get motivated by bees? Yeah. Bees will motivate anybody. Yeah. You know, you're not all cracked out once the bees show up.

Dude, I watched bees communicate with each other once. I was on the set of Fear Factor, and we covered these people with bees. And then a neighboring colony, a colony that actually lived there, a local colony, came and were like, what are you guys doing here? And the bees all flew up in the sky together and sorted it out in the sky. Really? It was wild. The guy told us, like the beekeeper,keeper he's like everybody's got to stand down we got to back up get out of the area we're like what it's like yeah they have to communicate i thought he was joking let them do it huh yeah

it's like they have to talk it out i'm like whoa they talk wow what are they gonna say there's something going on with them that we you know we just kind of subtly we sort of get what they do yeah yeah they're kind of like little little kind of liaisons it seems like like i wonder if in the future we'll know that like certain animals can like you know take messages around for us and like if you told an animal something it could go tell you know like i wonder if we'll start using animals more because animals are we don't use them that much i mean they're sitting around most of the time right i read something about they were trying to encode information in dna we could ask mike tyson about his pigeons yeah i think that's different though they carry pigeons

up but then pigeons used to carry sure long distances how about game of thrones yeah i'm saying like yeah yeah, for sure. But for whatever reason, it makes more sense with birds. Yeah. Right? Like a bird seems like you should be able to train it a little bit. Oh, bird? You could train some birds, I think.

Some birds, I think, would do their own thing. Let me ask you this. If you had an important message, would you just send one raven? That's what I never got. How about you send a flock of these motherfuckers? What are you, crazy? What if that goddamn thing gets eaten? What if an eagle jacks him along the way?

The fate of your kingdom is at hand, sir. Yeah, you can't put that on the back of one bird, dude. I would send a bird nobody would expect, you know, like a little warbler or something, or a nightingale. Oh, that's a good move. Yeah. You've got to send a bird that nobody wants to shoot, though. Yeah. Because people like to shoot birds.

Well, owl, too. Dude, we had owl two Thanksgivings ago. We had two owls at my sister's house. Yeah, I saw one last night, actually. Did you? Yeah, it was pretty, no, not last night, night before last. It was pretty fucking cool. Pulled into the driveway and an owl took off.

It was big, too. It's gross, I think. Owls? The meat. Oh, you ate them, you're saying? Yeah, but the. You guys ate owls? Yeah. I don't think that's legal. You, uh, Oh, you ate them. You saying, yeah, but the, you guys ate owls. Yeah.

I think that's legal. You probably shouldn't say that on the podcast. Well, I didn't have a lot. Bill Burr used to have a joke about it. I didn't have a lot, man. I had no,

I think I even spit it out. I'm not even joking. Yeah. Bill Clinton, when you smoked that weed and they had to, they didn't have all the things. They don't have a lot of meat on them. It there.

I fucking don't like owls. They're predators. They're important. That's why you don't have rats everywhere. Yeah, but I think they're violent and they're dirty and they get this. Owls, whoever did their PR, you notice everybody thinks they're smart and they can read and they're like. Yeah.

They had a good PR agent, right? Yeah. Yeah, look at that. We only got one up, Jamie. But see how much little meat is on them? You'd think there's more. Look at that. He's kidding, folks.

He's kidding, folks. He's not eating owls. The one in the middle looks like it's from another planet. You know? Yeah. Yeah, and that's what... That's what it really looks like. That's what it looks like.

Underneath all that fluff. It's a little alien. A little alien raptor creature. It's like a crab. It looks like that's what it looks like underneath all that fluff it's a little alien little alien raptor creature i was like a crab it looks like a crab i was driving home when one was flying above me on the road and dropped a rabbit he had got a rabbit and jacked it and he's flying with the rabbit and as he was flying just decided like maybe he decided the car was too close to him or was too loud or something like that i just dropped that rabbit and said fuck it and i stopped the car to check it out i was like whoa that's flirting really it sounds like flirting oh if a bird drops a rabbit at your feet hey yeah it's ready to fuck probably

yeah like an offering look at that guy for you more with that came maybe yeah dude they're predators man they we never thought of them growing up as predators yeah they taught they told us they were wise they had that that monocle like fucking uh like bud friedman yeah evening at the improv remember that oh like that planter's peanut bud friedman from evening the improv his whole deal was he had i was i loved evening at the improv when i was a kid or saw it oh man that was like one of the reasons why i got into stand-up comedy i used to watch these tv shows they had syndicated tv shows that they would do you know vh1 had one mtv at the half hour comedy

hour what time did it come on at i don't remember man i don't remember that was bud but it was probably late at night he looks like that planner's Daniel, I think that guy's name is. Bud Friedman was one of the owners. He sold it eventually and cha-ching, cashed out. Where's my friend Brian Friedman in the left corner? That's a different dude. Yeah. Interesting.

A lot of Friedmans out there. But anyway, Bud ran, he was the host of Evening at the Improv and he would come out with that monocle. Go back to that monocle picture again, lower left. Bam. That was him. Oh, wow. See, Google Bud Friedman Evening at the Improv. That's what I did.

That's what you did? Oh, okay. Yeah. Nice guy. Real nice guy. Yeah? He was? Yeah, real nice guy.

Always a sweetheart to me. Always very friendly. He was a very gregarious guy. very friendly. He was a very gregarious guy. And he basically was one of the original owners of the improv and Evening at the Improv. I don't know the full history of the improv. I probably should, but I think,

I want to say it started out in New York. Yeah. Because I know there were ones everywhere at one point in time. They had one in Boston for a little bit. An improv? Yeah, yeah. They had one in Boston, a little bit. An improv? Yeah, yeah. They had one in Boston, and then they changed it to a different name.

It started Hell's Kitchen in 1963. Yeah, so that was probably one of the original stand-up comedy clubs. Probably one of the top two or three. Do you have a favorite, like a club, when you were doing clubs more? Did you have a favorite one? I was just happy to get on stage back then. I mean, I had favorite ones, like Nick's Comedy Stop was always a favorite in Boston. Right.

Stitches, but Stitches moved a couple of times. Stitches moved twice. What about any of the Funny Bones, or did you go to any of those places? Yeah. For the Boston clubs, the Comedy Connection was the big one, and now that's the Wilbur Theater. It's really weird because it used to be the smallest club in town, and everybody wanted to work it.

It was like 100. I want to say they could stuff maybe 150 people in there, but, I mean, it ain't stuffed. I mean, this room, this ceiling was low. I mean, I'm 5'8", and I remember I could – I'm pretty sure I could touch the ceiling. So this shit is low. So if you were like Owen Smith,

or someone tall. Somebody with a long arm. Yeah, it's a big ass stage for you. Big people would look real weird on that stage. Yeah. But the laughs would be so contained. It was so low ceiling and tight. I love that.

I love that. It was great. I saw Hicks there for the first time. First time I ever saw him was there. I was like, whoa. He was doing this bit about Jimi Hendrix meeting Tiffany at the mall. Tiffany the singer? Oh, yeah.

Because she was real popular then. I think we're alone now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that song would make you just be erect. I remember being on the school bus so fucking erect, bro. Dude, I remember that shit, bro. Dude, I loved being erect when I was young, man.

Now it's whatever. Now it's whatever. Now it's like, fuck, do I have to do something now? What does my dick need me to do? Right. It's like eating an owl. Yeah. I'll tell you this.

If you want to feed a family of four You can't just have one owl I will say that though Well if you look at what it looks like Without the feathers It looks like a fucking demon Yeah You know It's a real bait and switch

I feel like It's one of God's hidden agendas Well I was talking to someone About peacocks about this And I started talking about it on stage That like peacocks are pretty But if you took their feathers off You'd want to kill it with a hammer

Yeah Like what is that thing? The fuck is that? You wouldn't let that thing anywhere near your kids. Like, if peacocks have their feathers on, you let your kids get right close to them. Oh, yeah. Beautiful. But a peacock with no feathers, fucking dark skin, like charcoal-covered skin.

Dirty. And the little nubs all over it. Oh, look at that. That creepy fuck. Look at that. That creepy little murderer. Looks like a little twink out on the town, look at that. That creepy fuck. Look at that. That creepy little murderer. Looks like a little twink out on the town, huh?

That's a little creepy murderer. Probably a little gray and pink murderer. Is that what it looks like with mange? Oh, look at that. Is that real? Oh my God.

That's like a duck face. I don't know. Yeah, that's a duck, bro. But it says peacock. That is something else. That is meningitis, I think. That doesn't seem right, though. Go back up to the peacock picture.

They have a different head. Go back to that peacock picture that you just had. Oh, my God. Look at that head. That's a totally different head. The beak's shaped different. Yeah, beautiful head. That's the problem with the internet.

Yeah, you can't even. It's so hard to tell. That's a duck, son. Who is that? Yeah, those are ducks, bro. Maybe it's on that page or something like that. Well, it says right there, it said feathers ripped from live birds. Ripping the feathers off peacocks.

Was Bill Hicks a nice guy? What was he like? Did you meet him? I didn't meet him. I met him like, hi. Like, hey, what's up? I was an open miker. Oh, yeah.

You know, he ain't going to talk to me. Yeah. It's like, you know, I say hi to everybody I run into. Like door guys, I always try to say hi to everybody. Yeah. Because I remember what it was like when I was an open miker and seeing these guys where i couldn't even talk i couldn't even imagine that we were the same thing couldn't talk to them you know what i mean like the big comedians you mean fuck yeah like bill hicks would come into town i didn't want to say hi to him and be super annoying

right because then what do you back it up with that was always my thing i was so stupid back then too i'm not pretty dumb now but i was really dumb back then yeah there was no way i had anything to say to that dude you think there was a time in your life you were the dumbest that you'd ever been probably a couple weeks ago i don't know i don't know man well i definitely have more data to work with now but i've forgotten a lot of shit too but like do you think there's generally a time in people's lives when they, what they should know kind of, and the,

there's like a kind of like a middle ground where maybe it doesn't. Well, for sure. When I was in my early twenties, for sure. When I was in my early twenties, like deep into my, you know,

it took me into my thirties to kind of fucking shake my head loose and figure out what the fuck I was doing. Yeah. Dude, you're 20 bro when you think about 20s right and no direction no idea whether or not this comedy thing was going to work out i'm like what am i doing now i'm telling jokes jesus christ yeah and then telling people when you go back home and they've never seen you they've never heard of you they think you're gay and it's like you won't like they're like you keep flying home you don't have any money and you're not bringing a

girl home you have these jokes yeah you're hiding from something you know just come out i remember my stepdad is yelling at me in the yard one time told you to come out yeah i was like i'm not fucking gay bro i was like i'm just not flying some girl home that i just met you know just to prove to you guys catch it you catch it a you. He thought he could catch you to lie. Yeah, he thought maybe he was going to leave a, yeah, like a. He's going to set a trap. Yeah, he's going to set a trap. Yeah, he's setting a trap.

Yeah, he's like a slick boxer. He's setting a trap for you. Just come out of the closet, boy. Like, what the fuck? The problem is, that's one of the reasons why young boys will always accuse each other of being gay. Because it's so hard to prove you're not. Yeah, it's so hard. Like, what if someone says you're gay?

Like, hey, you take that off me. Dude, that's crazy, man. The worst has got to be If someone says you're gay And you are But you don't want to admit it Oh yeah that'd be sick Shit Yeah you change your clothes

The next day you come dressed Like in a mafia outfit Or something Like something to totally Take them hot off the trail You know You just wish you could say you were Yeah

You know You wish you could say you were I think now you can I think You still can in a lot of places I mean I would love to think That still can In a lot of places I mean I would love to think That everybody's like

The people that are around us Where they literally Don't give a fuck If you're Justin Martindale Or Look Our language Is funny

And After that It's cool to be around Those are the things That are most valuable In our world Funny And cool to be around

Right Those two things Okay If someone's funny And cool to be around We don't give a fuck If you're a guy A girl

Trans Gay Yeah Funny Ghost Cool to be around You could be a ghost Yeah

Do you think there's ghosts At the comedy store I I I don't know I had some friends the other day I was trying to give them the whole tour Yeah

Tell them how it used to be Ciro's nightclub Bugsy Siegel used to own it I didn't take them all the way but i showed them you know how you go through the back room of the uh main room that that used to be like their hideout and shit i told them about all the ghost stories that have been filmed there but i don't believe it i don't think it's real well i think i'm surprised we don't have more ghost animals. You know what I think? I think it's you.

This is what I think, for real. I think you can probably tune in to something that happened in a place. That's what I think. And I think if you trip yourself out, you could see things that aren't really there. And I think that it is entirely possible the ghosts aren't real but that you seeing a ghost is real yeah that i think that you can get your body into like such a frenzied terrified state and if you are open to the idea that a ghost is a real thing your mind can fuck with you yeah like the ghetto boys your mind's playing tricks on me yeah that's what

i think i think legitimately and i also think that if you hit the right frequency i bet you pull up like just a ghost of a memory of someone getting killed in a place right or something horrible happening just a ghost of a memory oh i think that's next that's one of the next things you're gonna be able to do like a gang sign in the air a special gang sign and then a fucking the truth is gonna pop out right in front of you. I think we're going to start to learn. Like Harry Potter type shit? Yes.

Or maybe a song. What if a certain playing of lyrics or notes in a row would reveal the past right in front of you? I wonder if there's some magic little war poles or something. Well, think about what music does do. Music literally changes the way your body feels like a drug. Like if you were a kid, okay, and you heard that Rocky song. You could run faster. You would get more fired up.

You'd be able to do more push-ups or more chin-ups. Punch your fucking step, dad. You know what I'm saying? But you will. Probably a lot of dudes. Probably. But the point is you would for sure get energy from that. Like a drug.

Yes. Like if that was a cup of coffee, you'd be like, woo, this coffee. This coffee's good. Right? You hear that song? Yeah, dude. You put up that video the other day. Oh, yeah.

That video that I reposted. The vibrations. The sand. Yeah. If you look deep into this topic Of vibrations and symbols that come out And like different light patterns Explain to people what we're talking about It's kind of difficult

It's hard but I posted it on my Instagram I reposted it Because it's really fascinating This is a black mat? It seems like it's just a mat that's charged Yeah it's being vibrated Let's explain what's happening

For the people that are just listening I'm not going to play this video Because it'll probably get taken down It's got a lot of views There's lots of different versions of this online. It says, Amazing Resonance Experiment. Is it sand? This is probably

salt. I don't know that it matters. They put some sort of powdered stuff, sand or salt, onto a black mat that's charged, and then they send certain hertz through it. This one's 3,835 hertz, and then they send certain hertz through it this one's 3835 hertz and then it makes a different pattern that's crazy on the look at this 3975 like every time they change the hertz it has a different panel either 4049 look at this pattern so these hertz

are waves that's unbelievable but yeah and these are also, you can take these numbers, and these can also be notes. That's a dark art, man. That you're used to seeing on a piano or you're used to hearing or singing. Right. So these can also be recreated in other ways and are probably happening to us. That's how, like, maybe one of those earworms you hear makes the back of your neck vibrate or something like that. What if a certain hurt just spelled your like your grandparents name well what's interesting is that each one of them are different geometric patterns they're these beautiful patterns they're gorgeous

and as you change the hertz the patterns morph immediately yeah and but the thing is they're kind of fractal like not fractal but they they seem to be, what's the word? Equal on both sides. What's that word? What's the word I'm looking for? Parallel? No. No.

I think you're on the right topic. If the number's a little more round, like a round number, these are not specific hertz. Like, if you do a specific, like, C. Twins? No, not twins. I'm looking for different than identical. But anyway, both sides are exactly the same, and it's separated. In this one, it's not separated in half.

It's all like the circle is the center, and it all goes out from there. But they're different. But they're all even. See, the only thing that's keeping it from being perfect is that they run out of sand. And it looks like the power is centered around the center part where the wires are connected to. So that's the most potent. It's fucking beautiful. So if you think about that, maybe if there's a certain hertz going through the air, like in space, then it would form like a solar system, I guess.

Well, I'll tell you one better. The feeling that you get from like Rocky, right? The feeling that you get from that song. Oh, because that thing's going through your body. Yes. Yeah. It literally could be like a little drug. Look, think about why people like music so much.

Because that musician is your drug dealer. Okay? You hear like some old Elton John, like you're in your car and Saturday Night comes on. You're fucking goose bumps if you haven't heard that song in a long time and you don't expect it yeah

oh fuck yeah Jesse had a friend but that one makes you want to have you know that's a good song too but that vibe is good

this was done with like I was saying with musical notes wow on water we're looking at the thing it says the simoscope is that how you say that This was done with Like I was saying With musical notes Wow On water We're looking at the thing It says the Cyma scope Is that how you say that?

C-Y-M-A scope Uses a high definition camera To monitor the effects Of an individual Sound's particular vibrations On purified water Revealing for the first time What piano notes look like

Fuck There are people out there So much smarter than you and me oh yeah oh god it's it's amazing that we're considered the same thing you know as what smart people that's just really smart people like i have someone like sean carolin the physicist and he has to break down particle physics and shit to you you're like is it hard it doesn doesn't even get in. Yeah. I can repeat what he said. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck it means.

Like, when people start talking about quantum, quantum things and quantum theory and quantum particles... There's danger. Dude, I don't get it. I don't trust that kind of stuff, a lot of it. Well, how about, you know what superposition is? It's the ultimate what the fuck,

where a particle can be in a state of motion and be still at the same time i'm like well good luck with that good luck with this magic world that you've created crazy scientists that i don't understand yeah i would rather do something more chill than that what the fuck something can stay you know ride a bike or go for a run or something oh being rather than study that or rather than be that particle? Oh, rather than study that and be, yeah. Like I just think.

But don't you want someone to know? Because don't you benefit from cell phones? Well, what about the, such few people know that if they all wanted to lie to us, then they could. They would have to be a conspiracy. Now you're starting to sound like some other people I know. Let's go get some tinfoil. I didn't know that that, so that's funny that your body would do that.

The reason why they would never do that is because a scientist's whole deal is figuring out shit that other scientists didn't figure out. That's like the best thing

they can do. The best thing a scientist can do is a real honest to goodness breakthrough would you have sex with a scientist you think yeah like a movie scientist like she keeps the glasses on yeah they're always blonde in the movies right science no sometimes they're dark black hair too mysterious i bet they're clean too if you fuck a scientist dude i bet they have a clean apartment. Maybe, but maybe not. Maybe their fucking brain is like that chalkboard with all the squiggly alien mathematics on it.

That's true, huh? Yeah, what if they have a bunch of shit tattooed? There's a bunch of dirty math tattooed around their puss or their butt. I was reading this thing about Richard Feynman. You know who Feynman was? Feynman was a scientist. He was a physicist. And there was an article about him. Like, was Feynman was a scientist he was a physicist and uh there was an article about him like was

feinman an abuser but um it was it was talking about richard feinman and how you know he used to just his wife said he used to just do nothing but calculations all day and then he wanted to play the bongos and he didn't want anybody to bother him. But he had a quote from one of his books, and it's crazy reading it. It's like, I just, see if you can find it, because it's a crazy quote calling women bitches. And I'm like, what? Like that there were, that, you know, I just,

I don't want to paraphrase it. He's like, I can't deal with paraphrase it. He's like, I don't want to, I don't, I can't deal with these bitches around here. So I think he was a funny guy. Right. Is what I think.

It's hard. It's hard when you see things in text, cause you think, okay, maybe he's like a really mean, terrible person. See, I adopted the attitude that those bar girls are all bitches,

that they aren't worth anything. And that they're all in the, all they're in there for is to get you to buy them a drink, and they're not going to give you a goddamn thing. I'm not going to be a gentleman to such worthless bitches, and so on, he writes. See, but I feel like, and so on, when someone says, and so on, that implies that this is taken out of context. In my mind, I want to know what does that mean, and so on.

That means, to me, what I'm getting out of this, if I was going to guess, does that mean and so on that means to me what i'm getting out of this if i if i was going to guess is that he goes on he elaborates he might say this is how i felt back then and obviously i changed my mind i mean he could have been 18 when you're talking about this or 16 i don't know what the fuck right about but he also could be very funny because he was apparently a very funny guy. So the title of his book is Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman. Oh, that's nice then. But if someone said that,

but I adopted all these bar girls are bitches. If they said it funny, could you see those same words? I adopted all these bar girls are bitches. But it's all really depending upon how old he is too. Or it could be that that's really how he was. And maybe he got married. Maybe he got in trouble with his wife

and he had to say this. You know? I don't think that's it. I think he's talking about when he was younger. But it's... I could see that though, dude. You're at the bar.

If you don't like real loud music and all the girls are just drinking with a bunch of... I would be like, oh, these girls are a bunch of bitches probably. Yeah, but that's a lazy way of thinking.

It is a lazy way of thinking. It just makes it so you can judge, and you can control the scenario. The thing is, look, if you go into a room, and ten girls are in there, and seven of them are fucking super annoying, and you say, these bitches are all annoying, you're being super rude to those three that aren't. Yeah. And there might be some decent girls.

But that's why it aren't. Yeah. And there might be some decent girls. But that's why it's weird. Yeah. It's weird to hear a high-level, famous scientist, probably, I think in the article, they were saying the second, yeah, beyond Einstein. He's the second most famous physicist. Especially a scientist, because you'd think a scientist would know

that there's a couple of these bitches could be variables. That's why i'm thinking this might have been a quote from him when he was young yeah that's crazy that i think that he said that or him criticizing himself when when he was young but i don't know i'm just guessing i was hoping that it would be that man it's crazy to read that dude a lot i sometimes i miss being young. Don't you miss it sometimes? Well, no and yes. It looks like fun to have no responsibility and to be 22 and be backpacking around the world or doing something silly and not having a place where you have to go or a bunch of bills. But on the other hand, I feel so fucking ridiculously lucky that I get to be a comedian. Right.

Like, I don't want to try to do this again. Yeah. Why would I try to do this when I'm doing this? Yeah, but to go back, I just miss being young and like, remember a nap, man, when you took a nap when you were young? It could last. You fucking didn't care. It could last for three days.

Yes, but I think one of the secrets to happiness is to never look back at any point in your life and wish you were back there because a it's not possible right and b if you didn't go through that you wouldn't be you if you would go back now and be 22 again and broke and fucked up with all the information you have now you'd be like shit y'all don't know i had a fucking netflix special you guys don't know i was killing it out there i decided to start over like an asshole now here i am oh yeah i'm young but i'm broke i can't even afford vitamins what the fuck i don't want to be that guy again the first thing joe wants is to get some vitamins i work out hard man i gotta take care of my body

no you're right i gotta feed it the right food. I can't afford ramen noodle. I'm eating ramen noodle every day. I'm gonna start breaking joints. Yeah. I'm gonna have real problems. That's true. I'm gonna tear muscles and shit. You're gonna be eating an owl. Yeah, man.

I'm gonna be fucking catching squirrels in my yard. That's when it gets bad. I'm not joking about that either. I miss my body being young, dude. How old are you? I'm 38. Shut your mouth. You're fine.

You just gotta work out. Yeah. You don't work out, huh? I just started getting back your mouth. You're fine. You just got to work out. Yeah. You don't work out, huh? I just started getting back into it. Yeah, that's all it is. Doing some yoga. And I want to go try a Brazilian jiu-jitsu downtown. Slow down with that.

Get yourself in shape first. Yeah, that's what I'm realizing. Yeah, my advice. Because if you're trying to explode and get out of things, look, don't listen to me. You can start jiu-jitsu and be in terrible shape and get in shape through jiu-jitsu. You can. Yeah. Absolutely. don't listen to me you can start jujitsu and be in terrible shape and get in shape through jujitsu you can yeah absolutely but if i was going to advise someone i would say if you're going to do something that's as physical as jujitsu i believe that you should armor your body what i

mean by that is like your shoulders your knees your back your neck those are all areas that if you don't work out at all they could break susceptible they're susceptible so i would always advise that someone does a bunch of calisthenics particularly like like the classics push-ups sit-ups body weight squats chin-ups those all those classics yeah do a lot of those get you just get your body accustomed to resistance training right do that first then i would move from the i would always start with the with calisthenics always start with that and then from that move into weights do like some kettlebells take a couple of months you could take a couple months before you just jump right into jujitsu if you don't have but if you're an athlete then you could just jump right in right if your guy already does basketball

you already wrestle oh yeah jump right in but a your guy already does basketball, you already wrestle, oh, yeah, jump right in. But a guy who doesn't do any exercise at all, jujitsu is so rough on you. Yeah, I used to do exercise. I mean, I used to do – we used to shoot up stairways on the side of the interstate when I was growing up. Shoot on the side of the road? Why wouldn't you go home? It was more of an outdoor thing, I felt like. I didn't want to bring that shit in the house, really.

But we would – me and a buddy of mine, this dude, Billy Conforto, actually, and he passed away, RIP. And he died. He ate a bunch of pills and actually drove into an embankment one time. That's a bad way to go. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? That's a bad way to go.

And he, but he was a busboy, and I was a busboy. And he would, and yeah, we both liked to go to the gym. And he was like the first gay man that I ever met. And then he, you know, one time he got us some steroids or something. I don't know. I think everybody was doing them.

And then we just, yeah, we'd pull over and do them. And then just go to the gym, you know. Dude, one time a guy in New York said I'm going to get some drugs in the middle of the night. He went. Came back three hours later with steroids. He's like, you want to fucking party?

Wow, he was partying with steroids? I was like, fuck no, bro. I'm leaving tomorrow. How long did you live in New York for? I was there for about eight months. How come? So I was just kind of trying out the comedy scene there and seeing what it was like. Why did you decide to leave?

I don't know. I guess I just wanted like a new... Here's what it was. I never wanted decide to leave i don't know i guess i just wanted like a new here's what it was i never wanted to get old and say that i didn't try it to go to la to try new york to oh oh i see right to never have even just six months even just have like an experience there you know well it's a hotbed for sure the two hotbeds right now are here and there yeah those are two hotbeds and there's all this debate as to, like, which one's better or whatever. It's silly. That's a great hotbed.

Yeah. There's no denying that there's some world-class comedians over there. And then there's ones that show up there and here, like Chappelle. He's always bouncing back and forth. Chris Rock was always bouncing back and forth. Louis, when he was working in here. But Louis is working again. He's working at the Improv right now.

Louis C.K. In San Jose. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's cool. I think he's going to sell. He's working at the Improv right now. Louis C.K.? In San Jose. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's cool. I think he's going to sell out a world tour in like a year. For sure. For sure.

Or next month even if he wanted to. Yeah, for sure. You know, I mean, it's interesting. This whole bit about the Parkland shooting. You know that bit? Oh, yeah. I saw that. That stirred up all this controversy.

That is so – it's such a Louisis ck bit it's interesting it's almost like people don't understand what kind of comedy he did right yeah it's like suddenly they forget who he was yeah i mean if you look at his comedy you're not even surprised that he was jerking off you know kind of room service sort of deal you know but he's he's his style has always been like that i mean that he's his style is always very irreverent, saying fucked up shit you can't believe he's saying, and well-written and well-thought-out stuff. This is stuff he's working on,

and this is people like, how could he joke? It wasn't even that good. He probably wrote it that day, or two days before. Who knows how many times he's done that bit, but I guarantee you, the guy takes 10 months off of stand-up, and then he's starting to do it again.

I don't... He was scared, I bet. I don't think I would ever joke around about that. I definitely wouldn't joke around about... But you can. Yeah. Out of the gate, I don't know if I would. It just wasn't his best stuff. It wasn't good.

It's like it wasn't ready. Yeah. But maybe he could have come up with a different turn on it where it wouldn't be best stuff. It wasn't good. It's like it wasn't ready. But maybe he could have come up with a different turn on it where it wouldn't be as offensive and it would be way funnier. That's what working on a bit is all about. Like, fuck, look Holtzman. Brian Holtzman,

if he had said that exact same thing that Louis said, we would be howling. We'd be in the back of the room, slapping the table, howling, laughing. Brian Holtzman! You don't get to talk because you pushed a fucking fat kid in the way? And that literally is a- You fucking cunts!

That's a bit that if Holtzman said, we would be crying. We'd be slapping the table. We'd all gather around and watch him on a late night set. Right. Wouldn't be an issue. Right? It wouldn't be an issue at all because we know that it's humor. Is it?

Yeah, it's a fucked up thing to say. That's kind of the point. The whole art form is about saying things that are funny. Sometimes saying things that are funny are self-deprecating. Sometimes they're fucked up. Yeah. They're always different. Sometimes saying things that are funny is really adorable.

Yeah. Sometimes someone will say something that's real adorable but also hilarious. Yeah. Or your act. This is odd. odd and hilarious. Just very, very Theo Vaughn. Yeah. If I had to describe your act, I'd say it's very Theo Vaughn.

Really? Yeah, it's you. You know how to do it. But it's like everybody does it different, folks. And you take a set from someone who's just working stuff out and you pretend that this is done he's probably half those words he's saying he's probably trying to be in the moment he's probably got a place to go kind of got some punch lines and hoping that he'll see something in it while he's doing it and working it out yeah that's and then you listen to the recording and you go why did i say it that

way why did i do this and you change that and add this. He has to learn. Yeah. And then, you know, you just can't expect them all to be good either. Not immediately. No. Especially when the guy's been on trial or been under that social pressure and probably been dealing with remorse and going to self-help. I mean, who knows what he's been doing?

This is my take on a lot of this. And I think this is an important thing to say. We can't lose our empathy. We can't lose our compassion. We should be compassionate towards victims. We should be compassionate towards each other. We should be – this tendency to want to stop people from working and being like there's a certain amount of time where it passes and it starts to look like you don't want anyone to

have a path to redemption right which is everyone's got to have a path to redemption we have to because we're all faulty yeah all human but there was an article about it that I just retweeted today from Nick Christakis, who is a professor at Yale. I retweeted it today earlier. And it's about call-out culture and these people that got called out for things and how it destroyed their lives. People that you don't even know. Yeah. One small – a punk scene where these two people got called out for stuff. But it's like, oh, the subscription. The goddess of the subscription. one small punk scene where these two people got called out for stuff.

But it's like, oh, the subscription. They got us with a subscription. Got to subscribe to the New York Times, bro. You got to pay for good journalism. I pay. I'm having this account, actually, if you want to use mine. Do you have a Times account? I think I do.

I had one, but I tried to renew the other day, and I couldn't because these cunts stole my fucking American Express card, and I didn't get my new one yet. Who did the people? Were they on an airplane? Oh, some fucking piece of shit criminals. Yeah. Fucking crazy. They started charging up shit.

One of them was Toys R Us in India. Oh, wow. Okay. Dude, I love seeing what people charge when they do steal from you. It is kind of fun, isn't it? Yeah. Isn't it crazy? You're like pissed that they stole, but you're like, oh, wow. A lot of it was $1. They got, wow. A lot of it was $1.

They got an ottoman. A lot of it was $1. And I was like, what are you doing? If you bang that, maybe they bang the card out for like $101. Or maybe it's got a snack. Sometimes you run in places to get a snack, get a gum.

No, I don't think so. It was all online stuff. You know, I bought a Reese's or something the other day. It was 88 cents. Yeah, that would be a stupid thing to hit someone's card for. You'd want to get a jewel. Yeah, that's true. Get one of those really expensive vape pens.

Oh, yeah. Get them up for that 29 bucks. How crazy, though, that that's the future, that now it's like that. Like, I was thinking the other day that having a baby inside of your body, this is going to be like the last. Yeah. Retro. That's becoming retro. Y'all, they're going to take it out for sure.

There was a baby that was born today inside the amniotic sac. Did you see that? That's a damn goldfish, isn't it? Oh, it's crazy. You're seeing the baby inside the sac. I mean, I don't know what the story was because I'm a notorious headline reader. I read headlines. I just Googled it, and it's not a thing.

It happens, apparently. Well, I don't care if it happens all the time. I want to see it. There's 16 incredible photos of babies born in the sack. But it was an article that was going around the internet today. Baby born. It's a video of the baby moving around inside this

sack. It's very weird. You got it? There's one on YouTube here. That's a dumpling, dude, if you're downtown. What is that? It's a dumpling. They're very small. It's not that. Oh, wow. See if you can find it. I saw it. I believe I saw it on

Instagram. Let me see that baby, man. Do you think when babies are born right, let's see. See if you can find it. I saw it. I believe I saw it on Instagram. Let me see that baby, man. Do you think when babies are born right when they're born? Look at that, though. That's basically the same thing. That's the baby inside the sack. That's one of those things they eat sometimes on those game shows. Oh, so I'm guessing this is a cesarean section.

It happens once every 80,000 births. That is amazing that you could see what the baby looks like when it's in there. Holy crap, that's incredible. That's crazy. Bro. Oh, it's Spanish. It was in Spain. Human beings making human beings. That's crazy, huh?

This is exactly what I saw. This one is exactly what I saw. How crazy is that? Might be upsetting for some. You're about to see the amniotic sac being opened. Looks like an old man. Upsetting? That's how we exist. Yeah, but people aren't ready for some. You're about to see the amniotic sack being opened. Looks like an old man. Upsetting? That's how we exist.

Yeah, but people aren't ready for life. We're going to keep you from life. We're going to keep you from everything. There it is. Bam, the sack. Oh, shit. Kids free. Oh, wow.

Oh, you could see a little bit of butt on that one. Oh, lordy. Yeah, that is crazy. Do you ever think that maybe if a baby is born a certain way, like missionary or doggy style, that it could affect the way that they live their life? I thought about that before. Well, you should probably understand how babies are born. They have to come out head first.

If the baby comes out doggy style, you've got to spin them around inside the womb, literally. Okay, but what if the person is doggy style when they have the baby, though? Oh, different thing. Yeah, your kid's probably going to be a freak. Yeah, that's crazy. If you doggy style it. Yeah. Doggy style is like, we're not making love.

We're fucking. Yeah, doggy style is basically just kind of, yeah, it's like getting to know each other quickly. Well, it's just a different kind of fucking. Yeah. It's like, oh, this is some dirty shit. Yeah, it's fast or slow. Sometimes it depends on how you're feeling sometimes i miss sex when i was young man sober sex is for fucking kit is for what is this with you missing your youth i just love i just love being you look at this lady what are you doing i don't want to watch a lady give birth

you son of a bitch it's not a video just like get out of. She's in a river. She's giving birth in a river. It's cold in the river, you crazy bitch. That's melted glaciers. That's at Wim Hof birth, bro. Get the fuck out of here. You don't want to do that to your poor little kid. And if it's not, then it's warm. And if it's warm, it's filled with bacteria.

Get the fuck out of the river and go to a hospital, hippie. No. No, you can't have a baby in your bathtub if you live in fucking Brooklyn. Go to the goddamn hospital! It's right down the street. Don't you love your kid? Yeah. They figured out a better way.

Look at this hippie. Look at this lady. First of all, she is in Australia. Well, there's spiders that are going to crawl into her pussy right now and kill the baby before it even comes out. They have seven of the eight most dangerous snakes in the world are in Australia. Well, there's spiders that are going to crawl into her pussy right now and kill the baby before it even comes out. They have seven of the eight most dangerous snakes in the world are in Australia. I was trying to tell my friend Adam Greentree yesterday. He doesn't want to believe me. The brown snake, the Australian brown snake, dude.

Kill the shit out of you. Oh, kill that little fucking creek bitch. Speaking of Australian brown snake, that's how she got pregnant in the first place. Oh, you see what I did there? Dude, a lot of, man, my sister almost got knocked up by a brother once, man. Almost, huh? You never know. Yeah.

Almost. What's almost? He fucked her? I mean, I don't know if they fucked, but they. Well, that's almost. They were thinking about baby names, so I would assume that they had had some type of interaction. Oh, so they were going to do it on purpose. I don't know.

I think that. Well, they were thinking about baby names in case they fucked up. Yeah. Boy, that's a weird plan in the head. How about just wear a condom or... But I think that's a dude's move if you think you might have knocked a girl up and you still want to stay with her. You're like, oh, let's talk about baby names.

You know what I'm saying? Until you ride out that... Until you bail? That menstrual cycle. No, until you know that the menstrual cycle is back around. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah.

Can people have menstrual cycle on back around oh yeah you know yeah can people have a menstrual cycle on a full moon or not it's a weird thing if you you're having sex with somebody and you like having sex with them but you don't like hanging out with them yeah that happens for guys and girls yeah happens for a lot of guys i know dude it happens and girls too it happens i've heard girls say that like i don't even like hanging out with them anymore, but I like fucking them. It's changing now. And a lot more girls are being very much like guys used to be. Well, they can be.

First, the birth control pill, then dating apps. They can get a hold of people. And money. Yeah. Now they have options. Now they have options. Yeah, but the thing about dating apps, that's got to be just as weird as dating for a girl.

Almost weirder maybe, right? Because you can't even see the person. Right. I mean, you can see pictures of them. Yeah, but you don't see them when they're looking at your profile. Right. You should be able to see how they look at your profile. How many people are looking at your profile at any given moment? That's a nightmare in and of itself.

Yeah. When you think about that, imagine people just looking at you and saying no in the distance all the time. It has to be bad for us. Somebody will say yes. The thing is you're playing the numbers. Maybe in that sense it's better because the only people that get a hold of you are the people that say yes. Right. So you miss all the no's.

That's true. But what I was going to say is that having a baby with someone that you don't really like. Yeah. That's a possibility. If you just like to have sex with them and then when you're done you're like, I got to go. Yeah. And you can't go because the baby's coming. People have fuck buddies.

Everyone has. Guys and People have fuck buddies Everyone has Guys and girls Have fuck buddies Yeah Almost everyone I know Has had one in the past Where you weren't in a relationship With them really

You drive over and fuck And bang And then alright Bye Yeah Bye But do you kiss at the end That's a lot of chicks

These days I think They don't even want to kiss you They don't even want to kiss you They're done Someone don't even want to see you Sometimes you'll open the door The girl's. Some of them don't even want to see you. Sometimes you'll open the door, the girl's there, ready to fuck, and then just walks off in the other direction when you're done. She puts a blindfold on you. She bird boxes

you. Women are done with us, man. They're done. I feel like they're done. Do you feel like that? I think it's a precarious time. A lot of chicks are probably going Lesbo this week. Oh. Especially with Trump, I think the more days that the government is shut down, the more women are going to go lesbian.

They're going to hate men so much because of Trump, they're just going to go gay. But people always say- And gay people right now are going, that's not how it works! Duh. Remember what I said earlier about jokes? But what's funny to me is gay guys are always like, I'm going to turn this guy out. And that always sounds alarming. That does work.

But that sounds alarming. It does sound alarming, but it does work. I have, I don't want to say his, I almost said his name. He worked on, he wasn't,

he was not an actor, but he worked in the world of acting. And he told me that he blew a lot of straight guys he said that was just something that happened they would have a couple drinks and pretend they'd never done it before and next thing you know yeah i got that delicious mouth that's what a lot of gay dudes say it was either him doing them or them doing him but he's like you'd be amazed at how many you know air quotes straight guys are out there i'm like yeah maybe he just knows how to swing it but would you do you think is it less homosexual to jerk a guy off with your left hand what are you left-handed

right-handed so yeah if you jerk off with your left hand it's it's gayer to do it with your right hand it's gayer to do with my left hand the one that doesn't work as well because it'll take longer yeah but you don't really have but it's understandable i feel like it's understandable if you do with your left hand because that's barely even your hand no it's my hand bro yeah well relax man it's gonna be fun you're not gonna feel that much of it though you should jerk them off with your right hand so you should be effective and get it done with unless you like holding on to dicks longer dude don't come yet don't come yet you look at hey buddy i'm right here i'm your pal i know what's gonna happen you're gonna come then you're not gonna want to hang out with me anymore oh gosh no no i wouldn't do that just go

faster go faster no i don't believe you dude i think no that left hand, that's the party move, you know? Because you could still use this hand to be on your phone. You can do other stuff. Why are you jerking the guy off? Yeah, but otherwise. Then you're not concentrating on the jerking the guy off. Look, once you commit to doing something gay, just get it done, son. Yeah.

Just get after it. That's true. Okay? You don't want to be out there halfway jerking a guy off while you're pretending that you're looking at your mentions, checking your email. But also, what about this, though? If you are aggressively, very effectively jerking a guy off, and then you can barely use your phone, it looks like you're just like maybe a gay or bi gentleman that's on

some dope or something. Listen, you're doing gay shit, whether you're on your phone or not. Okay, that's a good point. It's not like it acts as a condom to prevent you from gayness. Look, you're doing gay things, man. You're holding on to a dick. You just got to accept that and keep moving. There's a lot of gay people.

Yeah, you're right. Just take the next right action. There's gay people doing shit that's gay. There's straight people doing shit that's gay. Oh, everything's changing now. If you've chosen to jerk that man off, once you commit to that project, just keep going. What's the payoff? What do you got out of jerking him off?

I don't know. I don't think. Let me ask you this. Here's a question. Okay. If there was a place. Does this conversation seem gay or not? If life was free, if you could really do whatever you want, if you're a grown adult, you could

do whatever you want. That's one of the interesting things about society is that we set up these rules in cultures and we decide what you can do and what we decide is different when they decide and Holland is different when they decide. Yeah, everybody's got different rules. Yeah. But once we set those rules,

it's very hard to buck those rules. Now, let's just pretend there was no rules. What if there was a place where guys would go and guys would jerk them off and new jerks yeah like if there was a place where guys straight guys got a job jerking guys off but you it you you get paid a thousand dollars an hour you don't think the straight guys would take that job? Straight, struggling guys? They would morph

and figure out a way? Oh, just over a generation or two. Just a generation or two. If you could make $1,000 an hour beating guys off? Yeah. Start it as like a niche job. If you could wear an oven mitt while you do it, I would do it. Is it niche or niche? Do we figure that out? If you could wear an oven mitt

while you do it, I would do it. No, no,? Do we figure that out? If you could wear an oven mitt while you do it, I would do it. No, no, no, no, no. Warm oil in your bare skin. That's the only way to jerk guys off. You got to do it quick. No way, bro. Dude, there's way other ways, man. You could definitely do it.

One way you could do it is even you don't even wrap your hand. You just do like that, really sideways style. It's like Kentucky Fried Chicken. There's only one batter. That crispy batter is bullshit. Nobody likes that crispy batter. Get the fuck out of here with your crispy batter. Dude, I'm trying to think.

If I had to jerk it. One thing about jerking off to me, I feel like there's not as much cum in your body as there could be. You know what I'm saying? You don't get that much out. Well, it depends on what you're jerking off to and you know how focused you are on the task if you're jerking off while you're looking at your phone yeah yeah but you know you're checking your twitter and you're also beating off you're a multitasker but you're not going to get a lot no matter how much you know how how how you do it really yeah how much do you get you get like

a little bit how much do you get i mean i get like like if you had to compare it to something Like a quarter? No, probably like maybe a Like an eleventh of a handful, I guess I don't know, how big is your hand? Dude, I can't even Do you still masturbate as an adult? No, I do it as a child What I do is I put a diaper on

It makes me feel like I'm rejuvenating myself. I feel like you'd rip your dick off if you tried to masturbate, bro. That's what I feel like. Dude, I hold my kids' hands. I know how to hold things gently. Yeah, that's true, man. I don't know, man. I actually masturbated yesterday, and I feel bad about it sometimes.

Why? I don't know. For some reason, I feel bad. They got us. That's the thing. It's a cultural thing. They got us when we were young. Think about it sometimes, but... Why? I don't know. For some reason, I feel bad. They got us. That's the thing. It's a cultural thing. They got us when we were young. Think about it this way.

What if the culture was all stand-up comedy culture? Because arguably, stand-up comedians have a different culture and a different way of looking at things. Yes. And definitely a very deep camaraderie between fellow practitioners. Yeah. If that was the culture, was the stand-up comedy culture, was the whole world, you wouldn't give a fuck if you beat off. Right. You wouldn't even be slightly embarrassed.

Right. I'd tell people. You would tell people. I'd tell people where it's at. Sure. Ari would tell me all the time how many times you beat off twice today. Oh. We all tell each other how we beat off or what we beat off to.

I just don't like it as much as I used to when i was young well that's my thing you're probably uh healthier yeah you know it's like you've gotten older you're more comfortable you're successful yeah it just feels like yeah it feels like a novice move if i'm still jerking off and it's 2019 it's certainly a distraction too yeah there's something about uh especially looking at porn there's there's i'm not anti-porn i don't want anybody to get me wrong i think you should be able to do whatever you want to do ultimately and i think a lot of why people have bad opinions about people doing certain things is that we judge people when they do certain things and we have these ideas about them that we sort of impose on them. Right.

But I think for some people, porn is very useful. But you have to have discipline. Yeah. See, the thing is, if you watch porn and you watch two people have sex and you get excited and you jerk off, you just took care of like some sexual needs that you had. Yeah. What could possibly be wrong with that the only thing that could be possibly wrong with it is that there's something wrong with these two people having sex and filming it well is there like but doesn't everybody want to fuck like i

don't want to film myself fucking but doesn't everybody want to have sex people love to have sex it's like one of the most important motivations that we have oh yeah most people leave the house every day because they might have a chance to fuck for sure i mean why do people why do they get involved romantic relationships in the first place to not just not just be nice to each other but to fuck eventually sometimes that's part of the whole thing yeah so what is it about two people fucking on film that's so distasteful. Well, you know, you don't want people to see your special thing, maybe. Or like,

you want to keep it private. I get all those things. It's gotten too fancy, though. It's too high def, though. Real life can't compete with it, so then it's so... But that's not always the case. Oh, this stuff is right there.

But it's not. Real life, though, it's not as good. It's not as good as real life. But I think that it's, visually, it starts to there but it's not real life though it's not as good it's not as good as real life but i think that it's visually it starts to get that it's better and it starts to get where like sometimes like i like i'm 40 days off pornography right now right oh really yeah oh so you're like on a pornography detox oh dude i don't ever want to see it again really yeah somebody tries to get their pussy out i'm like you you stop. But let me say this to you, though.

You also had the same kind of issue with drugs and alcohol. Right. So you have like an addictive personality. Yeah, that's a good point. So I have an addictive personality. This is what I was saying earlier, that I think that the thing itself is not necessarily bad and for some people can actually provide a service, right? Yeah.

Like it helps them to jerk off. I don't understand why that would be bad. The only thing they would say is, and this is, I don't know how factual this is because I haven't done any surveys, but what I've read is that a lot of the people that get involved in that are victims of abuse. That's disturbing, right? You don't want to hear that. But then some of them aren't some of them

do it because they want to do it yeah like isn't that okay that seems more okay than someone who's doing it because they're a victim of abuse and they're desperately seeking love and attention and they don't know how how to do it that's a good point so then you look at it like in terms of but you just that's looking at that is well, then don't laugh at comedy. Right. Because if you laugh at comedy, almost everybody that's a comedian is fucked up or been fucked over. I mean, that's really why they get into it in the first place, because they desperately need attention. They want to be special.

They want to be something. And they're like, look at me, look at me. So they figure out how to be funny. Yeah. But usually those are victims of abuse. Like in some way, shape, or form. Not all of them. Right.

Because they need the affection. They need something from people. Maybe six out of abuse. Like in some way, shape, or form. Not all of them. Right, because they need the affection. They need something from people. Maybe six out of ten, right? Maybe, and I'm being real generous. The good ones are. Yeah, yeah. So there's so many things that you could look at that like that. You know, like something good comes out of stand-up, right?

So we just accept that that's okay to laugh at these fucked up people that are telling these jokes. But, you know what I mean? Like a guy like Joey Diaz. Oh, yeah. I mean, that guy's okay to laugh at these fucked up people that tell these jokes. But you know what I mean? Like a guy like Joey Diaz. Oh, yeah. I mean, that guy's lived everything. He's seen everything. But it's okay. It's okay to laugh at the chaos that his life was because the jokes are so funny.

Yeah. You know, it's weird, right? But it's not okay to look at, like, even if the girl's enjoying porn, if you find out that at some point in time she was molested, and that possibly was one of the motivating factors that led her into porn, then you get super weird about it. Yeah. Then you have to think about it. They should put that on the thing, like percentage chance of somebody that was molested in the video.

And I think that that would deter people from watching us. Do you think so? Yeah, man. My thing is just I started to think of sex then in frames. Like, gotta meet the girl and then we have to walk over by us so you know we have to have to see this and i have to see that then that happens and then now and that's sex so i started to you know like interpret it that way and i don't know sex was just fun when you were young remember when you were fucking imagine being 16 and fucking somebody else that was 16 bro you know what i want to hear in the background when i say this the song

live and let die when you were young and your heart they used to say your heart was an open book who was that diana ross who sings that paul mccartney and wings motherfucker wings bro that was from uh james bond too i don't know what oh that's right that's right guns and roses oh they did it that was one time where the fucking remake was so good that was you kind of forgot it wasn't their own song we've been dancing can I hear some of this? If only we hear it Has Axl been on your podcast, Joe?

No, I definitely have him on, man Wow I would definitely have that guy on I can't imagine He seems to have come back from the brink Yeah Right? Yeah, this

Who knows what kind of ego happened And what all happened whenever they went to Give me some volume So I can hear it at least I want to hear him say that The beginning question yeah here we go here we go here we go yeah look out so he was for years he went crazy yeah he vanished was trying to make that one album forever right took many many years and everybody's like goddamn it axl rose went crazy and you'd see him you're like damn it, Axl Rose went crazy.

And you'd see him, you're like, damn, it was a shame. Guns N' Roses was so good. So good. And then slowly, but surely, he fucking came back.

Like, really came back. Like, he's fucking back. Like, that dude tours with ACDC now. Yeah. I mean, he crushes it. I saw some videos of him on stage. He's a fucking animal again. He looks like Hart a little bit, like one of the people from Hart.

But that's just age and time, you know? Oh, I don't think it's age and time. I think there's a lot of other ingredients. Could be shrimp. You've got to throw some shit onto that mix. Well, salt with shrimp will hide it. Yeah. But Slash looks the same.

Oh, Slash looks the same. But that's what I'm saying. They're both the same age. They started out together. Or close to the same age, at least. Dude, how much fun must that be to be a musician? I think it's too much fun. This is my theory.

I think it's too much fun and I think they don't even have to write new shit. So because they don't have to write new shit and it's too much fun, they're out there just fucking smashing every night. Fucking smashing. Smashing shows, smashing tour buses and hotel rooms.

Breaking shit. Just smashing. Fucking each other. Smashing pussy. Just smashing. They're going crazy. You probably wouldn't even notice if you fuck a dude if you're that famous, bro. I think you notice.

I think you're wrong. I beg to differ. Oh, he's got a teleprompter. What about a fast dude? Did you know Axl Rose Had a teleprompter That's But I guess you want that If you're on all the drugs

If you're on all the drugs Not only do I want a teleprompter I want it to be highlighted What I'm supposed to say I mean he's wearing hot pants So yeah He is So close

He's wearing He's wearing hot pants With high cowboy boots with socks. Oh, damn, dude. And a mesh top and tighty-whities. So what is it that makes somebody so famous that they get close to being almost like a bisexual, you think? You keep bringing up all this gay stuff. Do I?

You got something to tell me? Was your stepdad, right? No. Bro. I've never been gay, man. Never ever? Nope. Or stepdad right? No. Bro. I've never been gay, man. Never ever? Nope. Never ever ever.

I mean, maybe when I'm 60 or 70, I'll bust out. You're gonna try. You know? I'll cum on somebody, but I'm not doing anything now. I don't think they're gay. I want a family and everything. I think they're so free with their expression. Right.

That they wear whatever the fuck they want and i think that's a part of the culture of really huge musicians is that they get very free with their looks their sexuality like look at him with his wow with his ripped up pants axl rose back when he's a cutie pie or david bowie david bowie when he was in his androgynous stage beautiful prince uh i mean you can go on and on and on about men like fucking mick jagger i mean mick jagger would swing his hips yeah puff his lips out well elvis is that was a manly thing but he wore women's clothing and women's like how do you know stuff from like he wore stuff from like scarves and shit is that what you're saying no what's that women's clothing store that's in every little city? Victoria's Secrets?

No, it's for like kind of more, you know... Lane Bryant. Lane Bryant. Oh, he wore the big fat lady stuff? Well, I mean... Is that what you're saying? He wore some... Is there a dude clothes store for fat guys?

Big and tall, they call it. Yeah, but that's like some of them are tall, slender guys. It's called the J-Spot. It's over there on Pico Boulevard. Have you been there? J. Anthony always sells those suits over there on stage. What's that? Oh, there he is.

Is that him now? That's him. That could be the lady. Is that Cheryl Swopes? Who is that? He's... That's... That's...

His hair looks weird like that. It's like he went to spring break. But that's Axl from younger days. So that's when he had vanished for a while, right? Sort of like when he resurfaced. Oh. But when he did that, like he did a big concert in Brazil too, right? Yeah.

I remember listening to that and his voice was kind of struggling a little bit. Because he has such a scratchy voice, you know? You got to think like that voice is probably very difficult to maintain. Yeah. But that primal fucking, welcome to the jungle! Dude, that was the shit. That was like right when I was graduating high school. I remember I worked out at this shitty little gym and I'd be on the leg press machine.

Listen to, welcome to the jungle! What kind of headphones did you have? Whatever they had. The big ones, though? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I had a Walkman with a cassette. Oh, yeah.

I might have been a disc player. You're gonna die. Well, okay. That one's ridiculous. That one makes... Oh, who is that? Is that recent? Is that Holly Hunter?

That's him now? No, it's not Holly Hunter. Son of a bitch. I don't even know who Holly Hunter is. Guns N' Roses. Lead singer. Guns N' Roses. Oh, I love Guns N' Roses, dude.

How dare you call him my brother and i used to beat each other in our room we'd fist fight in the yard to fucking guns and roses bro acdc it was the music of my childhood was was at was gnr alice in chains that's a that's a weird look the the the thermal or the flannel shirt tied around the waist what's that look right but that's a weird look yeah like on purpose that's a weird look it's that darlene connor's like hey i know i'm not gonna wear this flannel shirt but i'm gonna tie it around my waist but hey it's not really a skirt right it's just like an accoutrement to my outfit of fake ripped pants yeah right that's a weird. Isn't it a weird look? Would you think you'd rather have like a little skirt

or like be naked, do you think? Skirt. I don't want people judging me. Really? Yeah, stop looking at my dick. It's making me self-conscious. But what if you had like a little dick hide or like a little thing that you could...

Still, look at how big is your dick hide. You can't get no escape. Would you ever wear a fake dick so that people thought your dick, I don't know. That's true. Dang. You can't get no escape. Would you ever wear a fake dick so that people thought your dick was bigger? If I did, it would be an outrage. It would wrap around my waist, tuck into the front. I'd have it tucked into my sock.

And it would be green like a Hulk dick. Like a dark green. People would know it's fake, though. Like kale dick. People would be like, oh, that guy's just fake, bro. Why is your dick green? Why are you looking at my dick? Fuck away from my dick.

Dude, I think, are people even going to have dicks in the future? It just seems like everything's going away so fast, man. Yeah, they're trying to do that with this new Gillette commercial. You seen that Gillette commercial? I heard about it, though. you can shave your buddy or something no all these guys are really mad because it's like an anti-masculine gillette commercial it makes like every man looks like a misogynist piece of shit it's it's such a disturbing commercial it's like over and over again men doing douchey shit like hey bro aren't you selling razors yeah what are you doing you changing the world with your shitty fucking advertiserors yeah what are you doing you changing the world with your shitty

fucking advertiser based philosophy what are you doing like what are you doing who fucking green lit this i know if i was at gillette i'd be like yo yo yo guys people get hair they want to fucking shave it it's not that complicated you're not gonna fix imagine if you're a sexist rapist piece of shit and you see see that Gillette commercial, like, damn, I gotta switch my game up. I've been too much of a dick. Does anybody think that Gillette commercials are somehow or another in any way, shape, or form gonna affect culture?

It's bad. You're selling razors. It's bad, bro. It's just a razor. I'd rather braid my fucking face hair than buy Gillette again. But nobody wants to be lectured to. We're tired of that. So sick of that.

Stop it. You don't have your shit together. Nobody has their shit together. And you're telling people how to get their shit together in a fucking razor blade ad. Yeah, don't be racist. We know. Yeah, I know. Don't be a sexist.

Yeah, we know. We know. Most people aren't. Yeah. You got it. Like, most people are. The videos, like, most people know. Most people aren't. Yeah. You got it. Like, most people are. The videos, like, most people are. It's not most people are.

It's crazy. That's a disproportionate amount of people that are. That's what I hate about a lot of the, just a lot of these ideology today. It's like, they say everybody where I'm from is racist, or everybody's like, you know, some Christian Bible thumping. That's not true. So many of the people I know are not that at all, that it's unbelievable. But so many of the people in these other places, they don't even know anybody from there.

So it's like they have no idea. But they immediately stereotype because of your accent, too. You have a southern accent, people assume you're not bright. Yeah. It's so stupid. But it's also, it's indicative of what the place used to be like. Like what the world used to be like was like a lot of the rural areas were less educated. Yeah.

But now that there's the internet, the world is a different place, man. You can meet cool people in Wichita, Kansas. You meet cool people everywhere. Everywhere you go, you're going to run into pockets of cool people. Yeah. Cool people are everywhere, man. And good people. Good people are everywhere. Everywhere you go, you're going to run into pockets of cool people. Yeah. Cool people are everywhere, man. And good people. Good people are everywhere.

Very good people. And they have different values. And a lot of them are more community-oriented, more friendly. We on this side and those on the east side, everybody gets this idea that everybody is like the people that live all stacked on top of each other. Fucking like bees swarming in the hive. Yeah. Most people don't live like that man most people live somewhere where there's less folks they gotta relax they could throw a frisbee and not fucking hit anybody that's that most people you look at the vast majority of the country there's what is there 300 and how many people billion why is it 350 already? What is it, billion?

Million, bro. Million. You were guessing billion? I'm glad it's not billion. I think there's... Can you imagine that, man? I would say 320. If I had to guess,

I'd say 320. But I'd say it's... 325. 325. Right, but that's like... Do they know about illegals? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, who knows?

Probably 2 billion. If they knew how many illegal aliens you were, wouldn't you be pissed? Like, how do they know about illegals? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, who knows? Probably two billion. If they knew how many illegal aliens, wouldn't you be pissed? Like, how do you know how many of them? What are you doing? You counting them? How do you know? How are they still here then? What are you doing?

Yeah, what's going on? Dude, but you can't even raise your voice. And like, I have to drive to Riverside to even fucking raise my voice, I feel like. Like, that's how too tight it is in LA. 308 million people in the United States. Oh, good. Oh, in 2010. But that's 2010.

2000, it was 281 million. Whoa. Look at that, dude. Just think of that. 20 fucking million people. 28, 29, 27 million people. And who's fucking the most? Are they saying? is it whites oh

it's all whites bro is it really you think we're out fucking every race now bro it's new no we've decided we decided to take back our country no man we're we're on our way to white people are on their way to being a serious minority yeah that's gonna happen beige power bro that's what i say everybody i look i love all the, but you know what it's like? It's like we have nice things. We can't. We can't have nice things. We keep breaking things.

Yeah. Because of racist people, you can't have all this wonderful diversity. So we're eventually all going to be gray. We're going to be like those fucking aliens with the giant heads, and we're going to have no dicks, and we're all going to be the exact same thing. So no one can criticize anyone on anything other than your thoughts. Dang. And they're going to be able to breathe.

And your actions. And they're going to be able to read each other's minds. Yeah, that's what I think. And I think we're going to ruin the environment so they have built-in eyeglasses. When you're born, they just fucking glue these bitches onto your head, sort of like chicks with fake eyelashes. Oh, yeah. You just have these lenses that you put on when you're indoors you peel the lenses off and otherwise you can just see nature you can walk outside but you can't really go far and it's just

you see you could press a fern button and ferns will pop up why fern well just you know foliage or something you know fauna foliage maybe a deer runs by if you hit that sod button i think nature in the future will probably be contained in these gigantic dome like places like one of them stephen king books and that's where you'll go to get into the nature yeah like a biodome with paulie shore and uh stephen baldwin i think that's what it's going to be like there's going to be there's going to be nature places and the rest of the world will be city the rest of the whole planet will be city. Our wildlife will be a bullshit wildlife. It'll be like a few thousand acres or something like that of a bunch of animals living together.

That's all that's left. It'll be like a rabbit with a little story on its back or something. Because if you look at overpopulation, and I'm not one of those doom and gloom people when it comes to overpopulation. You know why? Because I like people. When people are like, yeah, there's too many fucking people. You know, like,

I have good friends that think, you know, you want to help the world, don't have any kids. I'm like, okay. Yeah. I get why you would say that. But don't you like people? I love people.

People are awesome. It's all I know. I mean, some of them aren't awesome, but the vast majority are pretty cool. Yeah. Or at least capable of being pretty cool if you're cool to them and you establish sort of a community, being cool with each other. The vast majority of people are great. People are nice. People are friendly.

Yes. The vast majority. So what's the problem? The problem is there's too many of us and we're not going to stop right they're going to just keep fucking oh i want to fuck somebody right now you know we're going to make people the question is they will they say study say scientists say that as people become more affluent and as they become more educated, they're less likely to have children or they have less children. So they think that the best way to stop overpopulation is actually equity in the world, equality rather in the world.

Make the whole world basically like America where everybody's just got a chance to get ahead and everybody has an awesome education and everybody has access to the best information it can't happen but if that does happen that's what's going to curb overpopulation otherwise the people that are the least educated um are they're not going to have the same access to like like in in countries where people are poorer like for instance they want to have more kids because they want the kids to take care of them too yes that's a big thing right that's a big thing in traditional communities and you know they're they're tighter and you if you here's the weird thing if you talk to scientists they will tell you that arguably those are happier people yeah these happy people that live in these like villages and stuff and they all enjoy each other's company even though in our mind it's a

hard scrabble life you know they're living in the third world country in a village but if they have access to food like say if they live in the amazon or something they have much food you can get in there you got a lot of food man like i know how you would say hey i don't want to live that way so these people live in the wrong way they you know they have fucking 10 kids laying on them and shit they're all they're all community in this hut together and you're like that's that looks terrible they're all hot box in that bitch too a lot of times you see the whole families in there fucking smoking dope though too but meanwhile those people could be like really happy yeah they can arguably be happier than a comparable group of

people in western civilization that you would just grab 100 and why is it black families a lot of black families are still in the woods you notice that a lot of the tribes they're kind of darler i guess maybe not black but it's like a latino or darker like a not i don't know what shit i guess it's like a more universal shade almost kind of like a sofa color well if you're in the jungle you're you're obviously in a hot climate if you're in a hot climate you better develop some fucking melanin yeah that's what it is is melanin they got more melanin families i mean if you look at it i'm italian mostly if you look at it and i have some irish in me too but if you look at italians who are in the sun all the time do they get dark as fuck yeah you know and if you

were seven uh seven plus generations of people living in this one area were exposed to tropical sunlight all the time. Man, you would brown the fuck up or you wouldn't make it. Yeah, that's true. I go to Costa Rica or even for a couple days and I'm fucking browned out and my face kind of has pus in it from the sun. But I think people evolving in a place like that, like being there

hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years maybe thousands of years like you adapt to that environment or you you know the the preferential the preferable genes are the ones that make it through yeah and those people have joy those families have a lot of joy because they have their family around you know like if somebody if somebody dies they have them right there it's like there's everything's just a lot more communal i think there's just a lot more love the only problem is they don't have like ways to save each other the way we do right right like they don't have cars they don't have modern weapons so they have to hunt with these bows and arrows they make themselves but they do have pots they have some things you know but also depending on what

tribe obviously and also your life expectancy is probably not as long so if you do die and you believe in a higher power then you get to go see them quicker you probably have reincarnation your you know your friend that died could now be a plant or a you know coyote that you meet or something you know i'm sure in a lot of their cultures it's a lot of uh you know it's just things are more just all intertwined, human and nature. Well, that was big with Native American cultures, right? They thought that coyotes were – I mean, in many different tribes, the way they looked at coyotes, almost like they had some magic to them or something. Yeah.

They're wise. Well, they're up all night. I mean, I could see that. Yeah. You're in that tent, sleeping sleeping sleeping off that hashish high a coyote got trapped in a bathroom i'm not surprised by that i want to say it was in south carolina or north carolina they're wild man they are in this bathroom and these guys have to get it out of the bathroom.

And it's sitting on the sink. It's crazy. And they had to use one of them long poles that they jack dogs, you know, they grab them around the neck. You see it?

I knew it was one of those places. In Nashville? Yeah. I could see that. Dude, it's a cool little video, but it's weird. Those little fuckers are everywhere now they are everywhere well raccoons are really dangerous you they're always doing you know very

the nashville music hall oh that's beautiful so they're in this hall in a boat show look at him he He's chilling. He's a very photogenic coyote. How weird. So what they did was they captured it and they said that if they brought it to an animal shelter, they would have euthanized it. So instead, they captured it and let it loose in the woods. Which is cool. Do you have any animals that you don't tell people that you have? Like any secret animals?

I keep a lot of giraffes. No, you don't. Do you really, though? Yeah, I keep them under leaves. Shit. I can see you having something, though. No. Have you thought about it?

I used to have piranhas, allegedly. And what do they keep in a tank? Yeah, you keep them in a tank. You know, you used to be able to buy a human skeleton online. I used to have a human skeleton at the bottom of my piranha tank. Really? How weird is that? You buy a skeleton.

And what can you do with it? I don't think you can anymore. I bet you can't buy them anymore. But you used to be able to just buy a human skeleton. How long can you keep it the whole time? Forever. Fuck. Who was it?

Here's the funny thing. I got rid of it. And when I got rid of it, I'm like, man, I'm going to throw away this human skeleton. Some questions might come with this you would think it'd be like a cabbage patch y'all like it comes with a little birth certificate we buried it which is even worse probably yeah then people are gonna be like what the fuck is someone someone got killed here yeah someone's gonna find it someday go what the fuck it's gonna be a giant mystery that sounds fun i always love mystery man the thing is somebody

might have died like they might have somebody might have killed somebody and sold their bones it's probably one of those uh is that real oh my god what does this say is that little john look at this thing male from india in good condition 12 teeth present the rest broken missing There is lipping on the lumbar vertebrae What? That's $5,000 You could buy a fucking human skeleton Holy shit Dude there's several of them for sale

So the lumbar vertebrae Lipping You know what that means? I think that means his back's fucked up. Excuse me. And what happens is the discs themselves, the lumbar vertebrae, the actual vertebrae, the bone piece, from wearing against each other, it starts to spur and develop like a curve to the bottom. I think they're calling that lipping. See if that's what that means.

Lipping on the lumbar vertebrae lipping lipping on it yeah yeah i got bad let's see that yep that's what it is yeah see that image upper left left right there yeah see how it curves over the top oh yeah osteo osteophyte osteophyte grading or lipping yeah see as your disc gets smashed your bones trying to protect themselves and they grow this extra bone tissue and sometimes that obviously i'm not a doctor and if you are a doctor stop yelling i don't know what i'm talking about yeah but uh sometimes people that that shit causes sciatica Either inflamed discs poke out and poke into the nerves or the bone pokes it or it causes inflammation in the area. Eddie Bravo has that. He does?

Yeah, Eddie Bravo had his. He got his whole disc replaced with a titanium disc. Bottom? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, he gained an inch in height too. Did he really? Yes, he did.

Well, his back's all fucked up. So you got to think like your discs are these things, right? These little gel things. And there's probably a bunch of them. And they bust. And when they smash and get smashed down to nothing. I mean, he was basically bone on bone. He had almost no disc.

So he was in a constant state of inflammation in his lower back. That's horrible. I need to text him. Like he couldn't sit down sometimes. He'd have to stand up and he would have to hold his lower back. And he just dealt with the pain forever forever but it was like almost nothing there so they replaced so his bones were on top of each other they replaced that and put this thing they shove it in there fucking two story eddie suddenly he's talking about a new shirt yeah he's um but he actually is no longer

in pain that's what's amazing yeah and this is an articulating titanium disc so they used to have to fuse your vertebrae together yeah that's what i've heard of they don't have to do that in every case anymore sometimes they still do it for some reasons you know doctors that know what they're talking about but for many people now this articulating titanium disc is now an option i don't know check it out yeah i know because i'm5S1. I had a surgery part of it taken out. How bad is it? Does it hurt? It hurt bad.

Yeah. Now it's better. No. It's better now. But sometimes I have sciatica though. Do you ever stretch it out? Yeah. Do you ever use one of those teeter inversion tables?

No. I just got something free from you guys though in the lobby. What's that thing called? Proformis or whatever. Oh, that's a SoRite. Yeah. That's a psoas massager. Isn't that great? Psoas. Yeah. that's a so right yeah that's a psoas uh psoas massager isn't that great psoas yeah that's this muscle in here oh i'm gonna come on that thing that thing feels fucking good

bro sorry bro rude that thing feels good you are so horny today dude i had to drive it's like a 20 minute drive over here oh that gets you horny driving nothing Dude, no. I'll say this. Things that get me a wreck these days. Driving, being on planes. You know that. Bumpy roads. I know bumpy roads. Get one of those bumpy road boners. Dude, I...

Those are real. You asked me one time. Remember they had a lady... I got an erection on a plane and she got pissed. She told the flight attendant to get me a blanket. Yeah. Well, did you have it out? No, I was asleep, and it was in my pants.

It was in your pants, and she saw it somehow. Yeah. She saw my pants, because I wear lean pants. Lean pants. Or, you know, I wasn't wearing like a canvas or anything, you know, or a textile. Oh, like a thick burlap. Yeah. Like a carpet.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. anything you know like a carpet yeah that's crazy that she's looking over crazy though but i guess if i was a woman and a dude had a rock hard boner just like a couple of feet i would know that's like a ticking time bomb like hey hey but i'm on a plane i'm going home yeah but what if you're a pervert yeah i am a pervert but i'm still just going home and not using my dick. On what kind of scale of a pervert are you? If like 10 is jerking off in front of people on the subway with a trench coat? I'm not that. You open the trench coat.

No, I have a friend that's a flasher though. Well, there's flashers and there's flashers that jerk off on people. He doesn't do that. That's 10. So then 9 is a flasher that just pretends to jerk off in front of you if it doesn't finish yeah or can't get hard and then you got to go back from there oh yeah a soft bulb five what are you like a three no i think i mean i guess perverted tendencies like what i guess it's like what is perverted you know well it goes back to the porn talk like you say that you had a

problem with porn you were watching too much porn it became Like, you say that you had a problem with porn. You were watching too much porn. It became a habit for me. That's what I didn't like. It became a, instead of me wanting to watch pornography, it became, oh, I'm used to watching pornography at night, so I'm going to do it, jerk off, and get a little bit of rest. I didn't like the habit. It created a bad habit.

Well, you get real intense thinking about things. Yeah. Even when we're talking about business stuff, you can tell you focus on things. Yeah. Which is good if it's a good thing. But sometimes that kind of thinking can get away from you. Yeah, I think it does sometimes for me. The same kind of focus that can get you really excited about something that's productive in your life can

also get you obsessed with something that's not productive it's the kind of person that you are and a lot of performers you're an impulsive creative person impulsive creative people sometimes get caught in ruts you know and there's a bunch of different reasons i think for for addictions i think there's psychological addictions there's physical addictions some of them are undeniable like physical addictions some of them will kill you like you get off of alcohol too quick you'll die yeah it's a physical addiction that is real that's a good point you can't pretend it's not real that shit'll kill you right so it's obviously real but then there's other ones like washing your hands too many times like some people are

addicted to washing their hands i know a dude who doesn't go anywhere without Purell everywhere, washing his hands. He's putting Purell on. That's crazy. Washing his hands. Doesn't like to touch doorknobs. Touches doorknob, Purell. Back to the hands.

It's weird. And you fuck up your skin flora. It's not good. Yeah, we had a dude that used to lick both of his shoulders before he'd start talking to you. Oh, that's good. That's a good move. And it was crazy.

That's to let motherfuckers know you're serious. Oh, yeah. That's an Irish hello right there. Where were we? We're in crazy town. You're the mayor. What the fuck are you doing? You licked your shoulders in front of me, bro?

Dude, we had a dude in our town. He put like a chocolate on your shoulder and you tried to get it off. Eat it off. That's not right. That guy's going to grab you one day and fuck you. Well, he did get in trouble for something. I don't remember what it was. I'd grown up, but he was.

He's like one of those angler fish. He's tricking you. Yeah, he's getting you to look at that, huh? He's going to get you and come looking for that chocolate. God, eat it off my shoulder. Eat it off my shoulder, bro. If you look down, he's got a bat in his hands. Well, if you said it, hi, dude.

He's like you on that plane. Come get your chocolate. Come get your chocolate come get your chocolate you want this chocolate but here's the thing man what here's the thing is if you put if i put a stevie wonder movie just did just kind of get my neck better i'm trying to get my neck longer i've been wearing a little bit of a neck brace sometimes at night stretching it out it's just tight my neck feels kind of or not tight it feels short yeah have you used those things the harness that goes under the chin and you uh you attach it to the top of the door and you pull on it click click click i've seen those those are great really yeah yeah yeah if you have a tense neck i'm a big believer in that kind of spinal decompression yes i want that yeah you can get that and i i got a really good one out here too two really good ones from that teeter company

where you put your waist on one of them and you lean forward and it stretches your lower back. And the other one you hang from your ankles. It's really good for you. It feels good too. It alleviates, because it's just like that compression of life. I'm sick of it, yeah. Constant smushing you down.

And it's very rare that you do anything that like, I have a terrible problem slumping. I've always slumped I've always been like I've always had shit posture for whatever reason and it's not good like you're supposed to sit up straight Yeah, you know you're supposed to your back is supposed to be straight so you can be like sometimes I like I sit like this I'll talk to people and I'll be like that like my head is forward My it's like just very bad for your back people and i'll be like that like my head is forward my it's like just very bad for your back like you're making your your discs carry your weight in an uneven way what you want to do is have everything everything up and strong obviously this is exaggerated but most people like you get

lazy so what what good posture is is like a constant state of exercise well that's what good posture is because you want to just slump. I slump all the time, man. But yeah, but doing posture all the time, it feels like you're always like, you know, about to graduate. You know, I feel like you always have to be like, kind of like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that is what it's like. But you don't have to be exaggerated, but you really should. And I've been trying over the last few years, really hard to do that.

Just straight. I need to get an alarm for my spine that's it that's the shit i love that's called the the teeter dex inversion that's uh one of my favorite things ever for uh loosening up your lower back really decompressing yeah i got one right here man and it's not prohibitively expensive either i'll hop on that bitch before i leave yeah that thing right there i love that thing thing. When you go down, when it presses play, so you can see how it works,

you hang down like that. And when you hang down like that, it just lengthens everything and straightens it out. And that's the one where you hang by your ankles. I love that one too. That looks good. Right? Yes! I cannot even imagine they have that. So good for you. I got one right here, bro. Really?

I feel like something you would do to kill a deer or something. No, that's a different kind of thing, man. That's wild, man. I need some stuff. I think I need to get more bars and stuff

I could hang off of. I got to alleviate some pressure. Those are great for your shoulders, like chin-up bars. Grab a hold of a chin-up bar and just hang. Hanging is really good

for your shoulders because everything gets compacted and everything gets compacted and everything gets like bunched in and nothing stretches out. Oh, I'm built like a Conestoga wagon, brother. You know that? What is a Conestoga wagon?

Conestoga. What is a Conestoga wagon? It's like a wheelbase is really questionable. It's like six by six, you know? Like I'm not that fucking. You don't move that good? I mean, I think I used to be able to but i gotta go into the past bro you're still young enough to move like that right now yeah i need

a thing oh that's a conestoga wagon i'm built like that imagine if you just decided that's how you're gonna rock it from now on you're on the highway people are beeping at you get your motor running you got a wooden wheeled wagon dragging behind your Ram pickup truck. A fucking bar of gold just falls out the back. You got a Silverado, Chevy Silverado pulling a fucking covered wagon. They'd be like, you can't do that. Why not? This car is registered.

Yeah. This is all legal. Who the fuck is buying wagons these days? People are buying them today. Oh, the wagon's coming back. Is this these fucking assholes that want to reenact a civil war? They want to get out there in a wagon and pretend there's still slavery. Well, here's the thing, bro.

I understand reenacting it in the winter, but they do it in the summer, man. Do they really? Yeah. You don't want to do it in the winter. You'll die. And the South always wins the reenactment, too, which is wild. Oh, no, it doesn't. Really? Yeah. You don't want to do it in the winter. You'll die. And the South always wins the reenactment, too, which is wild. Oh, no, it doesn't. Really? Yeah, I don't blame them.

Is that real? I think there's a little bit of... You know what they should do? They should reenact the Civil War and kill themselves. Not in real life, but in the fake... I mean, pretend. Hey, man, I don't want to fight for slavery and just all pretend to kill themselves. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, they should say, hey, we're gonna do't want to fight for slavery, and just all pretend to kill themselves. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, they should say, hey, we're going to do it the right way,

or we're going to toss down our guns and suck all the dicks of the guys in the north. Yeah. How about that? They would have won if they had said that. They don't want it. They'd have been like, if they catch us, they're sucking our dicks. They're like, whoa. They want you to feel good, and they want to apologize. Plus, they're sucking our dicks. They want you to feel good and they want to apologize.

Plus, they need the nutrients. They're out there starving. Dude, I was thinking about this. Do you think that, so slavery, right? Right. They had it. Do you think that, what if, I had this thought of one day, what if computers, artificial intelligence happens, okay, takes over,

and then they're all going to know that we had, we owned these. Phones? Yeah. Yeah. Just like people owned, like they were slaves. Like this was a slave. Like remember when you owned my little buddy? I don't think they're going to be emotional about that.

I see where you're going with that, but I disagree. I don't think that'll be an actual factor. I don't know. I got the rose gold one, though. I do know that. You like that? But you got a black case on it. That's ridiculous.

Yeah, that's true. If you're going rose gold, I think you have to go caseless like a samurai. Oh, no way, bro. Like a savage. I'm not going caseless, man. A lot of people go caseless. Look at Jamie. Caseless. Are you really?

Jamie's a caseless barbarian. Wow. I bet he jerks off with his fucking natural hand. I got a cute case my kid drew on it. Oh, that's nice, huh? Adorable. Do you see your kids every day? Yeah, sometimes I keep my eyes closed, though.

This is a Theo Vaughn-style podcast. Were you nervous at first to have them yes yeah nervous to be vulnerable nervous to love something that much nervous to have that kind of responsibility nervous about all those things yeah changes you changes you changes you like nothing else but did you feel like the changes would be for like uh that you won't like the changes and then you did like them like did you have reservations well i didn't have a relationship with my father growing up so for me it's very it was very very important that i did whatever i had to do to have a relationship with them to be uh as present as I can be, to whoever I was before I had them,

to evolve, to get better. Like, it's a very, when you have kids, it's a very weird thing what happens to you because all of a sudden, you're not alone anymore. Yeah. You don't just have responsibility, like you have a dog you have to feed or a plant you have a little person yeah and you don't want to fuck up that little person you're like shit and it feels overwhelming and then the world feels so dangerous change the view of the

world oh yeah there's so much threat there's so much out there that could stop signs planes stories too you read stories about terrible people and terrible things that happen. Oh, and then you're like, fuck it. I don't have to worry about this just happening to me. I have to worry about this happening to somebody else, too. Yeah, and your little son or your little daughter, you know? Yeah. That's wild, bro.

Yeah, it's a crazy world. And you think of people differently because you think of people as a project that developed instead of being in a static state. That's interesting. Do you think that something emotionally happens to you at a level that – Like a DNA level? Yeah. Yeah. The love you have – like Dave Chappelle said this best.

He goes, not only did it increase my love, it increased my capacity for love. That's a great way of putting it. I would agree 100%. It increases your capacity. At least me, I became a nicer person. But I've seen it not work too. I've seen people that just reject it. I've seen men and women that just don't want to be parents. I've seen women move away from their kids. They don't want to take care of their kids. I've seen men abandon their families. They just don't want to do it it's crazy and i don't know if it's a mental health issue or if it's just some people just can't take it whatever

like there's like attitudes and this is not just about raising children it's about pretty much anything difficult in life there's some people that have a very low quit point very low they just quit everything they quit it gets tough quit quit there's a lot of people that just quit and uh when you have a little like say if you have a little theo in front of you and you think about your life and your childhood and like how important it is for you to to raise this little person and give him love and teach him about life and protect him and keep him safe and give him good lessons in life. Yeah.

It just changes everything, man. It changes everything. It changes everything. But it also is overwhelming. It's overwhelming. People get serious anxiety when they have kids. They start thinking about the responsibility and the weight of it all. Or they don't.

Some people just fucking take pills and lay on the couch and let their kids suck fucking carpet glass and fucking stick forks into the wall sockets and play with knives. People just don't. Some people don't give a fuck. Some people are dumb. That's a thing too, man. You know, people don't want to say this, but there's folks out there that just aren't equipped for life. I really believe that.

I think. Decome the dumb, brother. That's what I'm saying. Take the semen out of them. You know what I'm saying? Like at a certain point. But here's the problem. You're dumb compared to physicists.

So who's to judge? And who's to say that this person is really stupid,'t have a brilliant child that happens too man a lot of times brilliant people come out of they need adversity man who knows what they need but it's like it's not our job to decide who's stupid and who's not because it gets slippery oh yeah you you could get boxed into that stupid corner in a different metric if you're hanging around with a bunch of people from stanford you know they're looking steel vaughn's the neighborhood and they know there's 10 people in the neighborhood but only nine can survive there's only resources for nine they're gonna get rid of me probably yeah depends on how good

you are digging ditches oh it could be better than them at that though yeah so suddenly i have a different skill i don't know it's uh have you thought about having kids yeah i think about it a lot more like as i get a little bit older and i just yeah the thing for me is just like about being brave i think and just being willing to have my life just be totally different and be okay with that yeah and just being like willing to know that i will be okay in that space you know um i think it's hard uh it's like i just it like, I'm just starting to manage the space that I'm in. Like as just as a regular person. And then to get to that point where now it's like,

fuck, you have another ball, you have two balls in the air, you know, wife and a kid or. Yeah. And then what we were talking about earlier, like sometimes people fuck people that they don't really like to hang out with.

Yeah. I'm not doing that anymore, man. That's where it gets slippery because sometimes that sex is fun man i was just talking to a buddy of mine about this he's got a a gal he's a single guy and he's got a gal that he fucks every now and again they get together and they both kind of know what it is yeah they get together and they whack one out and then they see you that's it. And his take on it is interesting. He's like, yeah, man, some people, you just don't want to see them that often.

Like, that's okay. That's okay. But the problem is it's not always mutual. Like, sometimes the guy wants to see the girl more than she wants to see him, or vice versa, and then it becomes some weird thing. One person starts stalking the other person's Facebook. Yeah. You know, people start getting weird with people. You know, like, that's actually an addiction too.

People get addicted to each other just as much as they get addicted to pornography, just as much as they get addicted to washing their hands or anything else. People absolutely get addicted to certain people. Oh, yeah. And when that person doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, it's like they're taking away your drugs, you know? And really dumb men in those cases get very dangerous because because yeah they start thinking this person's done something to them

because they don't want to be with them anymore and really dumb men are dangerous right there yeah that's where you know you you hear about women getting stalked by their exes and murdered and that's where that shit comes I hate that really dumb men who are angry now that the person that they loved doesn't want to be around them anymore. Yeah. And they can't look at themselves, and they're probably mentally ill, and they might be on medication. Who the fuck knows what trifecta or what conglomeration of factors is making them be that piece of shit.

Yeah, they just feel rejected, and then you just want to, yeah, you don't know what to do sometimes. You get addicted to somebody else's love or lust or sex. All those things. Yeah. Women too, man. It's dangerous. I was talking to a gal who was going through this with another gal. Couple of lesbians.

Couple of lesbians. I'm talking about a boy. One lesbian was mean to the other lesbian. Apparently, I was reading about. Delivering furniture, you know what I'm saying, boy? Domestic abuse. There was some article about domestic abuse amongst lesbian couples. It's growing in the lesbian community.

Yeah. Yeah. It's disturbing. It's a dark arts, man, and some of those women are tough. You think? Tough as nails. Would you fight a lesbian for an undisclosed amount of money? Yeah. Really? You don't even have to hear the number what is undisclosed meaning do i get to hear it or i don't you don't get to know until it's over you're just ready to fight women

no i'm not can i train first i wouldn't like amanda nunez i wouldn't let you fight no no no yeah it has to be a woman at least I've seen a couple pictures of them. You know? Like, I at least want to be able to make sure, yeah, I've seen like a couple of images of them or at least be able to scroll through their Instagram. Did you see that video of that grown man who punched that 11-year-old girl in the face at the mall? That shit makes me mad, man.

It is so crazy. There's a bunch of kids, apparently they were involved in some sort of a scuffle. This guy comes over to break it up. He's yelling at them, break it up, break it up. One kid pushes him, and then he says something and then pushes the girl. She goes flying. She's a little tiny person. He's a big dude.

She comes at him with her dukes up, and he just fucking waylays her. I didn't see this. He hits her with a straight left right in the mug. Wow. And he's a big, grown man. He looks like a big man who knows how to throw a punch. I'm not going to play the video. You want to find it, go find it.

No, I don't want to see it. It's fucking disturbing. But two things I should tell you. One, that guy definitely shouldn't have done that. But two, she shouldn't have fucking run at that big giant man with her dukes up yeah like god i know she's 11 i know i get it she didn't know she's a kid and god damn teach kids and some 11 kids are hardy some 11 year olds are hard like what if you get a like i knew a 12 year old that's no no she's this big oh she's little she's tiny she's like nipple high on him oh yeah And he KOs her You want to see it?

No You do You do want to see it Draw it for me on a napkin I don't want to see it Yeah Those are the old days man We used to have a guy

I remember they had a guy Who chiseled some tits Into a Like on a pine tree Maybe a birch or something And people would go out there And jerk off Jerk off on the tits Were they that good? No jerk off at the base of the tree I think he used like a birch or something. And people would go out there and jerk off. Were they that good?

No, jerk off at the base of the tree. I think he used like a step stool or something or stood on a barrel. That's when you found all the magazines in the woods. Oh, yeah, we used to have that. But sometimes you'd go out by the tree and somebody would be using the tree and be like, oh, fuck, I've got to walk back home now. That's not a real thing, Theo. Oh, it's 100% real.

You're making this up. You haven't photographed this tree? No. Why not? Do you know where it is? Could you take us back there with the film crew? I could take you back there with the film crew. I bet it's devolved now, though.

How long does a tree live? Go back there and touch the thing, and all of a sudden, you can't find your way back home. Where the fuck are we? We're going in a circle! You go mad. It turns out that the tree got tired of people jerking off on it, so it evolved some sort of a neurotoxic chemical. Then when you touched it, it got in your bloodstream

and it distorted your perception of distance and time. Yeah, yeah. Then the ghost got you. But, dude, what if semen could defy gravity? What do you think about that? I don't. But, you know, I do think, imagine if cum didn't just get humans pregnant. Yeah.

That's what I think of. No, you can't think of that, man. From frogs to chickens. Like, if everywhere you went, you found, God, this dude fucked a turtle. You found some turtle person. You can't think about that, man. You imagine if anything could get anything pregnant. Yeah.

And then a new combination was born. Turtle people. Dude, that's what's next. Koi people. Some dude fucked a koi. Yeah. He busted into that koi palm. Knocked that koi.

Imagine you're out there throwing bread on your koi palm. You're like, hey, hey, hey, it has legs. What the fuck, man? Somebody fuck one of these fish. And you see this thing come up on the shore. It's got a sign for you. Koi people are people too. People see you at the pet store shopping and they're like, whoa, this guy's shady as fuck.

Imagine if Ari fucked it and it came out and we knew it because it had Ari's nose? Yeah. So it's like Ari's nose on a koi fish with legs and it comes out and you're like, Ari. What? What do you care? What do you care? Mind your business. I'm going to Bali.

Can you imagine? Yeah, I'm going to go find my turtle babies on the other side of the world. But if you had to make love to an animal, what would it be if you think you had to go in there? Probably something I could brag about. Yeah. I'm not fucking anything sedentary. I'm not fucking anything that's like a basic. Something ends up in the poultry section or anything like that.

No beef. Would it have to be a female? What if you had gay sex with an animal? Which animal would it be? That's not gay to fuck an animal, bro. It's not? I don't think that applies, dude. You're fucking an animal. Which animal would it be? That's not gay to fuck an animal, bro. It's not? I don't think that applies, dude. You're fucking an animal.

That's more important. If it's a male gorilla, I think it's both. Oh, dude. It's both gay and bestiality. Nobody's going to be like, oh, remember when you- Yeah. Yes, they would. They're not going to let you off the hook.

People are mean. They're going to go, not only did he fuck a chimp, he fucked a male chimp. And everybody will be like, Jesus, Theo. Bro, you would never buy a beer again. You want to break the internet? You put a fucking video of me sneaking up on a cheetah

and fucking it? Bro, I will... Wrapping a noose around its neck and you're banging it while it's clawing on you. It's trying to get away and you nut. Nuh-uh.

I'm talking about putting on some Eddie LaVert or some Gerald LaVert and playing some sweet music and just fucking laying there how do you plan

on holding it in place while it's all happening I think if you're good enough and gentle enough it'll stay wow you don't think so think about it

I'd love to be you for 10 minutes imagine it though I'd love to look at the world through your eyes for 10 minutes I think I'd take you right to the hospital

I'd be like whatever medication we're on we we got to change it. We got to fix this. Bro, you should meet yourself then, bro. You are extraterrestrial, man. This is the most I've smiled all week, though. So good. Oh, dude.

We always have a good time, bro. That's funny. Are you working tonight? Are you doing Tripoli shows? Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun. Those are good times. Dude, have a good time, bro. That's funny. Are you working tonight? Are you doing Tripoli shows? Yeah, you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun.

Those are good times. Dude, what a fun job, man. I just started really realizing it this year. That's what I was saying. Your idea of looking back on your youth. Are you crazy? Yeah. We're alive.

We're alive doing the most fun job you could have. Yeah. How do we change that? Yeah, I want to get busy. I want to get busy living this year and just try more things and just enjoy my time that I am alive. That's what's up. I really do. The whole thing about life is all that, I wish I was doing this, I wish I was doing that, is only good if you're working towards something. But I wish I was young again.

Let that go. That is not happening. Yeah. I wish I was eight foot tall. That's not happening. Yeah. I wish I was eight foot tall. That's not happening. I wish I could fly. Not happening. I wish I could breathe underwater like Aquaman.

It's not happening. It's not possible. I could see you paying to get gills installed, though. I could see you coming up one day. One day. They come up with some gene editing, some gills. I'm like, yeah, man. Fuck scuba diving.

Joe takes you to the side and shows you his gills. I don't like snorkeling, bro. You get that shit in your mouth. I snorkeled a little bit when i was in hawaii it's fun huh oh man it's wild you're out there looking down you watched all these fish swimming around like we went near this coral reef it's crazy it's just this world down there octopus and how easy was it for you to block out like sharks or something just not easy the blue not easy no no that's real like you're always thinking like what if one of those motherfuckers is here oh and you look like a adult like a damn delectable i bet to a shark definitely you look like a mouthful oh but yeah i mean you know what i'm saying if you

if joe's out there that's a that's snack. How many famous people have ever been killed by sharks? Has that ever happened? That would be crazy. I feel like LL Cool J got killed by a shark in Malibu. You'd be like, what the fuck? You know? You'd be like, how is that real? How could it happen?

Right? What if OJ Simpson got jacked by a shark? Can you imagine how many ha-has's would break out across the country? Ha-ha. If you could see OJ Simpson in, it would have to be Florida. He'd be in Florida. He's in Florida a lot of hurt.

Of course. All those white trash girls. I'll fuck him. He's waving, waving to the beach. And you just see the fin like 15 feet away from him. And if you go under and then the yank. The blood in the water.

You're like, no way. Dude, I bet OJ Simpson and Dennis Rodman have fucked a lot of the same chicks, bro. When you think about that. I don't think OJ Simpson's allowed to leave the country, right? I was saying, what if Kim Jong-un starts partying with O.J.? That would be so good. It's like, I don't care. I don't care what he did.

The juice is loose. Dude. A buddy of mine was doing cocaine with O.J. Simpson one time in Miami. How long ago? This is like 15 years ago. Post-murder then? Yep, after the murder oh and the guy goes hey does anybody have a car key uh and then he hits oj he's like hey you have a car key

or a knife that's what he asked him for to do the cocaine off of oh and oj is like this guy asked me if i got a fucking knife was he laughing yeah oh my god that's pretty funny i think it's funny i mean if you didn't get in trouble for it even if you did it i think having a sense of humor about it's still important the way he reacted every step of the way did not seem like a guy was being accused of something he didn't do every step right every step of the way i wouldn't do that yeah i couldn't do that i don't even imagine that is not what you would say yeah if your wife got killed. You would not be thinking like that.

You'd be freaking the fuck out. I know you didn't see this, but you should watch this one day. Nick Nolte? No, it's... Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen? It's at the very, very end of the show. It was almost like a bonus scene. Oh, I didn't know he got this deep with the outfit.

Who's the gal? It's part of his cell. She's like a girl that's supposed to be with him. He's like this extravagant, millionaire, billionaire type character. Oh, and he's got OJ. Yeah, I need to see this show, period. I think he spent like three or four hours with him, he said. Did you hear that they might have uncovered a pedo ring?

He might have uncovered a pedo ring when he was doing this? OJ did? No, Sacha Baron Cohen. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, I did see it. I read a headline that said that. he might have uncovered a pedo ring when he was doing this oj did no sasha baron cohen oh wow oh yeah i did see i read a headline that said that you find what the exact specifics of it were but like they decided not to air it but it's like what dude you know what when you said that about oj it made me think i met buzz aldrin from the moon yes and he's and when i met him it didn't seem like he'd been to the moon. You know what I'm saying, though?

Yeah. Hold on a second. Sent cut Who Is America interview to FBI over fears of Las Vegas pedophile ring. I'm not surprised, dude. Whoa. Said the interview led him to believe there could be a pedophile ring in Las Vegas. Holy shit. Could you imagine if a pedophile ring in Las Vegas was exposed by Sasha Baron Cohen in a comedy movie and they find out it's real?

I wonder if this is all just a setup for some other type of film. Well, let's look at it objectively. Okay. Okay. There has to have been pedophile rings in the past. Undeniably. Right? I would think if you go back, you go back to like the 50s or the 40s or the 30s, there has to be something like that.

Way easy back then. Yeah, they take orphans and they molest them, all that Sandusky type shit. That has been going on. Yeah. So how often has it been going on? And what happens now to the same type of people? Like if that's no longer available for them. Is there some way they get it?

Some super fucking, super tightly watched ring of people who still engage in this activity and figured out a way to do it. I hope not. I hope not too. Everybody hopes not. But the idea that it's impossible, the idea that it's impossible is unlikely. Yeah, there's probably a market for it, sadly. Well, you think about it all the time when you think about other countries, right?

Oh, yeah, they're doing it there for sure. Yeah. Most of our guys, it seems, fly over to these other countries and be dirty over there. The idea of going over there and there's a ring, a pedophile ring. Ooh, that's scary dude who wants to fuck some kid that's crazy i think they think it's mostly people who have been abused like that themselves yeah it's mostly yeah that's one of the things that kevin spacey's brother said about kevin is that kevin is basically like their dad and their dad sexually abused them and now kevin

is acting that out and there was a an interview his dad his brother rather give us he kevin spacey's brother i never met he looks like rod stewart on the strongest acid available he's crazy looking he's a weird looking guy with wacky hair and he wears funky glasses and weird clothes donnie what's his name? I don't know what his name is. He looks like he's wearing a costume. Donnie Spacey? That's not it, is it?

No. But here, take a look at him. Look at this. That's his brother. Oh, dang, man. He looks like a cross between an English scientist and Rod Stewart. I can't believe Kevin's the one that got banged by the dead. I think they both did. I think he's saying they both did. I can't believe I's the one that got banged by the dead. I think they both did.

I think he's saying they both did. I can't believe I even said that. It's messed up. Yeah. It's sad, man. They said their dad was a monster. Yeah. Yeah, look at his dad.

Look at his brother, how he dresses up. Look at that crazy Rod Stewart outfit. Yeah. I bet one chick or one dude fucked him because he thought it was Rod Stewart. It's like look i'm just gonna ride this boat right into the rocks right stewart huh this is his outfit this crazy outfit that is a crazy crazy outfit he's got rings on every finger he's got a wallet chain across his pecker wow look at the his dick's keeping time brother yeah look at that shirt that fluffy shirt

with the crazy ass neck accoutrements. Yeah, if you're not trying to get fucked by somebody, you shouldn't wear all this, I think. Yeah, but think about how much effort it took to do all this. Now go up to his teeth. Son. Yeah. Son, what's up with that mug? That's Scotland, bro.

Clean that shit up. Is he from Scotland? Is Kevin Spacey from Scotland? I think they're from Britain. I think they're from America. Really? Yeah. Where was Kevin Spacey born? I don't fucking know from Britain. I think they're from America. Really? Yeah. Where was Kevin Spacey born?

I don't fucking know. Fuck if you know. You're Googling it. Google it. Well, yeah, you know, bro. You're the brain. Yeah, you're the guy who's got the Google in front of you. But.

No. What about this? Do you think he would have been as talented if he didn't have this affliction? What does it say? Does it say where he's from? New Jersey. Orange, New Jersey. See, there you go

perfect dump man one of the most talented men of our time you think people like in new jersey fuck you bro hey i was born there uh he is very talented he's also very crazy and i think uh in his day you could get away with a lot if you were a movie star i think you know they just they ran those sets like oh yeah they're crazy well they have that r kelly thing now i mean that how god his whole life he got to do whatever he wanted it seemed like that's a different animal right because he's a musician but yeah it seems like he's the underage the underage thing with him is like alia married alia underage had sex with her underage and it was told i remember we

just grew up listening to his music it was all these girls are coming out about him doing that to them when they're yeah but a lot of people knew 13 14 they're saying 15. but i can't believe more people aren't complicit there was a video of it you know that more people aren't complicit in that it was unbelievable like what about the people that knew, like... Well, here's what's crazy. The video is out of him peeing on people. And then years later, people are still making music with him. Yeah. Wow.

That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy. When you find out how many people were... What was it? Was it The Breakfast Club? What show was it that they uh they started reading off a list of all the people that worked with r kelly post video so the video was out lady gaga all these people and like a giant number of people do you think we'll ever be

able to eradicate the the fact that people do that to, like have the pedophile or have that vibe for them to sexualize children or young people. Hopefully, scientists will figure out a way to isolate that part of human thinking someday. Like hopefully there'll be something, researchers, doctors, scientists, psychologists, whoever it is, figure out a way to stop that. But in the meantime, what it has gotten is way more difficult for them to get away with it. Right. Right? And it's going to get more difficult still.

I think people are going to be connected. I mean, we're connected right now with cell phones. Like, this is how weird the connection is. You know Adam Greentree, who was here yesterday? We were talking about Toyota Tundras. He said after we were talking about it, he said all of his ads on his phone, like when he would look at a website, it would all be Toyota ads. No way.

He's like they're listening. Yeah. They're listening to his phone. Like the word Toyota Tundra came up over and over and over again in his searches. Toyota trucks. Let me see if that happens. Toyota trucks. Toyota trucks. I'm going to say that. And bacon too. Toyota Tundra came up over and over and over again in his search searches toyota trucks because we were talking about toyota trucks toyota trucks i'm gonna say that and bacon tundra toyota tacoma say it over and over again yeah but whatever the fuck process of i mean i don't know if he actually accidentally googled toyota trucks that day too yeah but they found out he's he's there my point is like saying something in a conversation

and it's being connected to these internet searches like these little things are starting to happen and it's going to get more and more prevalent it's over for us man we're gonna be like way more connected now then we we're gonna be way more connected rather in 10 years than we are now fuck Fuck, man. We've got to figure out what would that be like because no one saw this coming. Yeah. No one saw us being disconnected. So what the fuck is it going to be like if we're connected much, much more than that in the future?

What's that going to be? It's going to be something unimaginable because this was unimaginable. Right. So that's what I'm thinking. It's going to be some next plane that we're going to get to there has to be some next level of intuition maybe that comes into it or yeah i when i was really high i thought this up yeah my really high thought was you know how kids learn things really easily they just learn things way easier they can learn a language really easy they. If very soon in the future a universal

language is developed that coincides with artificial intelligence technology, virtual reality, and augmented reality. And so this universal language allows people of all languages

they can learn it, and they can learn it and this was coming off of something that Jamie said once. We were talking about emojis being almost like hieroglyphs. Like, wow. Like, that seems so weird because they seem so cute and corny.

But someone could send you a whole, like, series of them, like eggplant, water, smiley face, high-fiving, and it's like, oh, someone wants a fuck. Oh, yeah. Right? Depending on the right time, a meme, a picture could sell to you.

Sure. It's a Jackson 5. All those things. Well, while I was thinking that, I was like, okay, well, what would stop once they develop augmented reality or virtual reality in some sort of a easily digestible form, whatever it is, whether it's a chip that you have in your body that sends signals directly to your brain, allows you to communicate with each other.

If we develop the language and we can send and receive images in a way that may be even more effective than the language that, like we assume that English is the best way to talk because we only know how to talk English. Right. Maybe if we could speak Chinese,

we could express ourselves clear. Maybe if we speak Turkish or Arabic, maybe there's a better one. I don't know. I only know one language. But what if sound languages are far inferior to visual languages? And what if these visual languages allow people

that even can't even see to see? Because they could send it directly into their mind. They can see these things with their eyes closed. They're not even using their eyeballs. And everybody can communicate on an even plane. So there's no language barriers. And when I was thinking this, I was like, well, that's got to be, that's impossible. No, it's not impossible because there's more than 100 languages.

I mean, how many languages are there, if you had to guess? I would bet there's probably 100 and maybe 15. Yeah, I bet you're right. I'll say 130. Let's go crazy. I'll say 130 languages. Okay. i'll say 130 okay it's probably a thousand who the fuck knows one language bob one language bob more more than a thousand okay i'm gonna go then i would like to have a separate guess i want to go with 1800 i would like to go with 1060 this says there are roughly, this is the number of

spoken languages in the world today, 6,500. Whoa. What? Where? Holy shit. About 2,000 of those have fewer than 1,000 speakers. So even if we count those off, it's still over 4,000. Well, you know, those people on that

North Sentinel Island, I think they have a dead language. There's only 39. Oh, really? Where that people on that North Sentinel Island, I think they have a dead language. There's only 39 of them. Oh, really? Where that guy got killed? There's only 39 of them. 4,000. So even if you take off

that 2,500, right? If you take those off, the ones that he said that only less than 100 people are using. Yeah, but they're using it. Right. Good point.

Well, here's the thing that's really crazy. The indigenous people of Australia, my friend Adam Green Tree, who was here yesterday, he works with a lot of these people. He has a mining company, and one of his – a bunch of the people that he worked with would explain to him these different languages that they're not written down. mob, like they would call the aborigines, they would call themselves

it's not like a clan, it's called a mob is their term for it would have a totally different language than someone who lives just a few miles away. So there'd be a different mob, it was a few miles away, totally different language. You can't understand what the fuck they're saying. They don't know what the fuck you're saying. Then there's another one over here.

I'm like, how many do you think there is? He's like, oh, it's probably hundreds. Like hundreds. Hundreds of different languages. Nobody knows what the fuck anybody's saying. It's almost like they don't want the other one to know because it's like they'll get their secrets maybe. How many do you think? There's another report that says there's this number of languages that are spoken in U.S. homes as of 2015.

Ooh, okay. It's a smaller number, but it's still a lot. 300. 350. Wow. At least, it says at least 350. If you had asked me before this conversation, I would have said 13. Yeah, me too. That's what I was going to guess. Actually, I was going to guess 11. Fuck, that's a lot of languages. Dang.

That's so crazy. Fuck, man. We're fucked, dude. No, no, no, we're okay. That makes my point. I think the next stage is a universal language. Yeah. Universal. No, no, no. We're okay. That makes my point. I think the next stage is a universal language. Yeah. Universal language would, like, think about the Aborigines. That's how fucked up situation to be in. Nobody knows what the fuck anybody's saying, and none of those things are written down.

So you have to be in that clan to understand that language or that mob, and then they die off. Yeah, they're not. Yeah. They're thinking small. Small ball. Well, they didn't think. It's not planned out well. But are connected everyone's interconnected and i think through a universal language it's entirely possible that we could reshape civilization

yeah through a universal language that every kid picks up in school you teach them bing bong right upside uh english or chinese or anything else but bing bong right upside of English or Chinese or anything else. But bing bong is the internet language. The root. And this internet language that everybody understands, everybody just starts communicating through bing bong. And nobody's using regular language anymore. You just occasionally talk.

Like when you're in bed, you talk, yeah, bitch. Remember Dirty Talk? Yeah. English. English Dirty Talk. Viola. Or French Dirty Talk. There's 185 that are spoken just in Los Angeles

Wow Damn that's a lot But that makes sense If there's 300 in the country I would think all of them would be here I would think all of them would be here I'm more shocked that all of them aren't here It's a pretty multicultural area

There's a group of 2500 people or so that speak Dutch at home in Riverside Oh yeah That makes sense But only Dutch? There's a group of 2,500 people or so that speak Dutch at home in Riverside. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. But only Dutch? Well, not only, but mostly maybe, I guess. I wonder why it's Riverside. The Dutch are so aerodynamic.

They move good? No, you ever seen a Dutch? They're really aerodynamic. They're what? What do you do with your hands? Lean face. Lean headed. No, they're not.

Four inches, cheek to cheek. They're big people, man. Dude. Do you know how big they are? The Dutch? headed no they're not four inches cheek to cheek they're big people man dude do you know how big they are the dutch oh they're very tall but they're very aerodynamic very aerodynamic the downhill people they call them dude look at pull up a dutch okay pull up ernesto who's yeah ernesto who's get a gander at this fella right here famous dutch kickboxer mr perfect i bet you it's hard to kick him in the sides of his head because he has a little less Let's get a gander at this fellow right here. Famous Dutch kickboxer, Mr. Perfect. I bet you it's hard to kick him in the sides of his head because he has a little less than others. It's goddamn Adonis. Okay.

And that's him later in his career, too. If you get earlier in his career, he's more jacked. Get earlier in his career when it's... Right there, right there. Bam. Take that picture right there. No, no, no. The one above it where your cursor was.

Right to the left of that one. Or right, I'm sorry, of that photo you just pulled up. The right of the photo you just pulled up. That one right there. Bam. That's what he looked like when he was in his prime. Let's get a basic Dutch. That guy's an advanced Dutch, I feel like.

Advanced Dutch? Look at him. Yeah, that guy's a... Okay. How about Rob Kamen? R-O-B-K-A-M-E-N. Or A-N, rather. One of the greatest kickboxers of all time.

And there we go. Aerodynamicist. Look how narrow his head is. He's looking at you sideways. What about basic Dutch guy? That does not look like a guy with a narrow head, bro. Yes, it does. Look at that.

Yeah, your mind. If your head was next to his head, his head would eclipse your head. No. Yes, it would. There'd be nothing behind you. Look how long that head is, narrow head. If his head got in front of you, I wouldn't even know you were there. I know.

I'd be like, Theo, is that you back there? I'd see the bottom of your head. I'm back here jerking off with my non-dominant hand, brother. It doesn't count. Dude, you think it's, I better be crazy in this. I know, I don't know why I'm thinking about this,

but to watch people from different ethnicities jerk off, you know? Boy, we're back to this again. Jesus. But you know what I'm saying, though? No, I think you should watch a little porn

and get this out of your system. Nah, man, I'm not watching it. Are you jerking off from memory now? Yeah, I'm jerking off from memory now. Do you find that your fantasies become more elaborate? 100%.

They're more exciting. You have to set it up? You have to set it up in your head? Oh, no, it's something like that. How many days a week have you beaten it? More than four

and you got a problem. Oh, no. Two days a week. And I'm disappointed at that. I'm just trying to turn over a new leaf, you know? I want to not jerk off that much.'m just trying to turn over a new leaf you know i want to not jerk off that much yeah i want to walk around be confused i think that's uh that's look there's a re there's a if you just look at sexual desire and lust yeah

there's a reason why you become more and more desperate as time goes on. It's like your sights are set too high or you're not being ambitious enough. You've got to spread your seed. If you think about how ridiculous it is, if people didn't know that having sex with people has consequences, and by that I mean you can get pregnant, you can get diseases. If there was no – and there's cultural limitations, people frown upon it. But if if there's none of those can you imagine how much people would be fucking oh yeah it would be insane yeah the the earth if there was no such thing as masturbating you could fuck at a gas station people be fucking yeah if there's no such if masturbation was impossible

first of all you know what would happen what women would rule everything. 100%. But men would have so much chi built up in them. Nope. Nope. They'd be bitches. They'd be giving in every chance they could. Oh, because the women would own it. It would be worth so much more. That's true.

Yeah. Because women would be able to decide whether or not you came. That was the only way. If that was the only way, if women were the rulers of whether or not you came, if there was no way to come without them oh my god they would dominate we're fucked dude i know that's gonna be the next law if they're really smart that's how they would take over chop our arms off dude but you're telling me though you wouldn't watch like a little like chinese guy jerk off

from like 30 feet away. Oh, my God. We're going back to this again. No, but just tell me. I've watched train accidents. I don't want them to happen. If Jamie pulls up a video of a train accident, oh, my God, you've got to see this one. Shit.

Okay, go ahead. Right. I watch it. Oh, I don't watch that kind of stuff. You don't? But tell me about this. How close do you get? There's a Chinese guy jerking off in a park, okay?

And he's- Depends on who I am. He's Cantonese. He's Cantonese. Am I me right now? You're you. Right now. You're jogging, right?

Jogging. Guy's beating off. Depends on how close he is to the road. But you stop to tie your shoe, right? And you see him in the park. You're like, oh, that guy's definitely beating off. And you're about 200 yards away. I probably would stay there.

How close would you walk to it? I don't know. Someone's jerking off in public. That's true. You have an obligation to do one of two things you have an obligation it depends on what he's doing is he looking at you and jerking off no if he's looking at you and jerking off if he's doing it out in the open he might be sick but he's turned enough towards you that you're kind of invited i think no no no yeah you're right if you're in the park, this is just, I mean, being 100% serious. Yeah. If I'm running in the park and I see, you know, five yards over to the side right next to a tree, there's a guy beating off.

Okay. I'm going to stop running. And I'm going to look at him and I'm going to look at all the people around him and I'm going to keep an eye on him. And I'm probably either going to call the cops or I'm definitely going to stand there. Because what if some person is jogging and he just decides this is the time to jump on this person? Yeah. What if some kid is walking by and he snatches that kid and drags him into the bushes? This guy is so crazy.

He's beating off in public and he's looking at you? Yeah, that's true. I don't think I would go over and be violent with him, but I would definitely keep an eye on him. I'm not going to let... What if he's a fucking sexual predator and he's looking to do something to someone and you could be like Peter Parker in Spider-Man and save your uncle? Yeah. Right? You know that's what made Peter Parker become Spider-Man?

He saved his uncle? Well, he had the power and he didn't save his uncle and a robber ran past him and he didn't feel like he had to do anything about it. And the robber got into the elevator and he killed his uncle oh i didn't even know that yeah that's just or and there wasn't an elevator i forget what the the actual story was but the robber did something to his uncle and killed him and his uncle was everything to him his uncle took care of him so then he decided he could never let evil people do anything bad again and he became spider man like that superhero i think uh you have an have an obligation, especially if you're a man, especially. Yeah.

If I was a small woman and I was in that same situation, I would say call the cops immediately. Don't try to be a hero. Get the fuck away from that guy, but call the cops immediately. But I'm pretty sure most dudes that are beaten off in the forest like that, they're not looking for me. Right. They're looking for a woman or a child. Yeah, that's true. They're probably not looking to meet another man.

I would tell another dude. If I saw another dude, I'd grab another dude for sure to help me. Like, let's get this dude. I'd be like, hey, hey, hey, come here, man. This fucking guy's just beaten off in public. We've got to keep an eye on this guy. And most men would be like, oh, Jesus, what do we do? We'll call the cops.

Keep an eye on him. I'm going to would be like, oh, Jesus, what do we do? We'll call the cops. Keep an eye on him. I'm going to call the cops. Don't let him get away. Call, you know, if somebody runs by, tell them to. Oh, yeah. That's a, see, when someone's really crazy, when someone's really crazy, like that kind of crazy, like some guy got arrested for trying to abduct a kid, trying to drag a kid into his house, and he had horns on his head.

Yeah. He's got horns. He's a a sexual predator and he's got those those uh implants in his head where it looks like some kind of devil demon and his his ears hang down to like his fucking chin fucking idiot oh great that guy's out there that's a real guy just got caught right so if you run into that sort of a situation you're like you have to as a person you can't just run away i feel like you got to stand you got to stand around and make this you know make people aware of this right say this guy's coming over trying to come over here this guy is jerking off or yeah yeah i think getting somebody else to help but there's less of that than there's ever been before but there's always going to be some of it. It's like you were talking about with pedophiles.

How do you stop that forever? How is that possible to stop that forever? We had a dude in school when I was growing up, this guy Big Richard, right? And he ended up... You mean Big Dick? That's what you call him? No, this is before we were old enough to know

that Dick and Richard were the same name. How about this? How is Jack John? How is short for John Jack? Is it really? Yeah. I didn't even know that. JFK.

John F. Kennedy. John F. Kennedy. Jack Kennedy. Oh, wow. I didn't know who Jack Kennedy was. The fuck is that? Yeah. There's some other weird ones, right?

Yeah. We're never going to get a universal language if we can't even get that right. It's from Irish. It's how you say Jack in Irish. you had to look this up really yeah john since they're irish that makes a lot more sense the way you say john i believe actually i guess if you said it fast and from far away it could sound like jack hey john yeah how about short for barbara is babs yeah i know a babs actually is that my babs that's weird short for barbara barb is a rough name though i think barb like a hook yeah like and who wants to go home and fuck barb barbie is cute barbie's cute

huh sal is like a man's name salvatore but that's a short for a woman there's other weird ones with men i know there's some other weird ones that i forget big sal i know a lesbian named big sal whoa what's her real name sally i don't know so it's to be called sal but one time she bought a Other weird ones that I forget. Big Sal. I know a lesbian named Big Sal. Whoa. What's her real name? Sally? I don't know. So she used to be called Sal? But one time she bought a man's bathing suit to go swimming with us.

And I thought that was pretty impressive, dude. No top or tops? No top. Daddy, let's go. She's fucking selling. Oh, Big Sal. And she was in the shallow end, too, Daddy. You know? And that's a healthy gal.

But, yeah, I think if somebody – I was in Germany one time. I was on a bike ride, and they had a man swinging his dick's a healthy gal. But yeah, I think if somebody... I was in Germany one time and I was on a bike ride and they had a man swinging his dick in a big circle. And I thought that that was... But it was the nudist area of a park. Well, if you got a nudist area, that's what you're going to encounter. Yeah. People swinging dicks. Yeah, I guess I was kind of...

I just sped off. Yeah. But... Yeah. I think about it sometimes. About Big Sal? No, it was about that guy in the park and what he was doing, why he was doing that. You know what I used to think?

I used to think, oh, look at that piece of shit. Now I think, oh, that was a baby. Right. That was a baby that now became this helicopter dick weirdo. What happened? Standing on the street. Yeah. Pointing to his hog. Spinning around like hog spinning around that's exactly what he was doing spinning like that it's fucking weird it's crazy it's fucking weird it's weird that there are people that do that

and how much of that is because of repression like that would if you went to the most sexually liberated country do they have more or less perversion that's the question right and how much of it is imported like if you went to the most sexually liberated place like and how many of the people that come in are people from out of town that are weird that want freaky shit and then it becomes an economy yeah and how many people just leave them to their own just be chill yeah because we're pretty caged up, they say here in America. It's pretty, you know, everything's kind of taboo, and you can't see nipples and stuff on television. Yeah, it's weird, but I wonder if that's also why we get so much done.

Yeah. You know, like, do we? I mean, maybe it's just, maybe it's my perception that we get more done than others, that we're more productive. I mean, it's, I think we focus on it a lot. Yeah. A lot of things have definitely come from here. But I think that's changing, right? Yeah.

But I think pedophiles are going out of style, too. I think there was a time where more... People got away with it easier, that's for sure. Yeah. It's harder to get away with it. But, God, whatever that is that makes a person do that just doesn't seem like we've eradicated that. It must just be a loose wire in them. Imagine that.

The thing about that is if they could one day figure out a way to get certain traits and breed them out of people or engineer them out of people. We're fucked then. Well, what would you leave in like what would you leave in emotional outbursts would you leave in the ability to have an emotional outburst like what the fuck yeah i would leave that would you leave that in that's fun yeah it's fun for me but maybe you and i wouldn't be the ones who decide would you leave sneezing in no i mean behavior male emotional outbursts okay like fucking cunts yeah you're fucking assholes like that kind of shit that kind of shit yes i would leave that in i would leave that in too not a lot of it though i'd turn

it down a little i wouldn't fuck with it i don't think it's our job to fuck with it okay because you need that if a war breaks out right yeah you can't have be some guys like oh you're gonna need that going to war yeah you're gonna need that energy you're gonna need that if a war breaks out. Right. Yeah, you can't have be some guys like, oh, going to war. Yeah, you're going to need that energy. You're going to need that whole male eruption, fucking crazed aggression that you don't like. Well, when an invading village is headed over the top of the hill, you want that and a dude with an axe. You want that. You want that to be available.

Yeah, agreed. Unless we get to a point where we don't have any war anywhere ever again. But until then, like, what if we engineer it out, but the Russians say they're going to, but they don't? They don't. They would do that, probably. We would do that, also. We would definitely do that. Oh, we're so fucking sneaky.

Do you think that we will have another war? I hope not. But that's always the fear right i mean we're in the middle of two right now you know i think there could be you think there could ever be another state war in america of the like a civil war states well some people were worried about that some people are worried about that some people want state-run government well some people were worried about that as hate for the republicans and hate for trump in particular ramps up and that they're really worried that there'll be some sort of a

violent outbreak between the right and the left and that this could actually really happen man it's not impossible it's not impossible that at least battles could break out because people are fucking polarized, man. Yeah. But I think what's interesting to me is that more and more people, it seems like, at least from my perspective, on the right are now coming out against Trump. It seems more common, more common,

especially with this government shutdown. People are like, what the fuck? There's so many videos of people going, what are you talking about with this wall? We need money. These government people, a lot of them are living check to check. You're shutting down their – this is the only way you can negotiate this wall?

This is the only way you can fund this wall? This is crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's – I don't know. I mean, people always say the government sucks if I can shut it down, and then it shuts down and everybody gets mad. You know? Well, it makes an argument that the government should be doing less things. This is the real argument.

The argument is some of those things that the government does, why does the government have to do it? Why can't it be privatized? Why can't it become a business? It would probably run better if some of those things were not run by the government, like airport security or like road maintenance or like a lot of other things. Yeah. Like don't have the government do it. Have private contractors do it. Some real cats.

Yeah. Strong standards and strong competition. And John Stossel actually has a video about it right now. It's on his Twitter page. It's a long video, but explaining how one of the things people are realizing from this government shutdown is that the government does a lot of things that they don't have to do. It would be probably better for everybody if some of these things were streamlined,

some of these things were done by the private sector. I don't think that's a bad idea. I think there's a lot of things that could be done better if there was competition. As soon as the government controls certain businesses. I mean, maybe they do it really well, maybe they don't. I think there's certain things where socialism works really well. Maybe they don't. You know, I think there's certain things that where socialism works really well. Like, here's one. Fire department.

Fucking, you got to pay for the fire department. Everybody wants to fund the fire department. Don't you cut the fire budget, man. What if my granny dies? Oh, no fire. A house. Yeah. Nobody wants fire, man.

We're going to pay for the fire department. Pay for that shit. Pay for the police. Yeah. Pay. Everybody, pay. Everybody says pay. It shouldn't be rich people only get cops and poor people don't get cops. That's crazy.

Everyone would say that's crazy, right? Well, why is that not the case with education too then? Well, right. Don't you want people to learn things? When did education become such a big business? Why is that a business? It should be our goal as patriots to make less losers, more happy, successful people, more aware people, more educated people. But instead, it's subsidized by the government.

And that makes it even weirder. And then you have student loans. You can't escape. Yeah, a lot of that is pretty bizarre. Dude, it's bizarre as fuck. It should be free. But there's also another.'s another like a lot. Some people don't want to do anything.

That's true. They just want to be alive and they just they just they don't want to contribute and really have any sort of life. And they have no desire for that. And there's generation and generation and generation of them. That is true. But what if you ever would you ever look at universal basic income? It's a weird idea. I flatly rejected it when I first heard it.

Do we have it? No, we don't have it. They've tried it out in a couple of places, but I don't think it's really worked out that well. But the idea behind it – I'm having a guy who comes on soon. His name is Andrew Yang. He's a proponent of universal basic income. And the idea is you give people X amount of dollars per month, whether it's $1,000 per month, and everybody gets it no matter what.

And by doing that, you take care of all of the burden of survival. Like we take care of everyone in the civilization. Everyone gets food. Everyone gets shelter. So that eliminates a lot of crime and a lot of strife just right away. Right. More laid back. Where does all that money come from?

There's $1,000 a month, $308 million. Is that what it was? Plus, that was 2010. It's probably more now. Let's say $320. That is a lot of money. $320 million thousand. So that's $320 billion.ep right isn't that what it is i have no clue 320 billion a month when that would be if you gave a thousand people

a million dollars isn't that what it would be a thousand million is a billion right just do it in the calculator bro don't do it in your head a thousand million yeah so that's right so it must be so that that's so much money so three so the the wall like him talking about building the wall isn't he asking for five billion yeah they want five bill yeah sure okay it's not that much i don't think well that's to build a wall once this is every month you would need all those billions that's a lot of fucking chatter and so that means everybody would have their basic needs met yes everybody get a thousand bucks where that money comes from this is what i need to talk to this guy about obviously i'm not a mathematician or any sort of an economist so i don't have any idea what they've

how they feel like they could do this three thousand they got that three thousand for every adult in the country jesus that's a lot plus a $3,000 a month. They got that. $3,000 a month? For every adult in the country. Jesus. That's a lot. Plus a stipend of $250 a month. Is that Andrew Yang? It's not from him specifically. It's a different guy?

It's from a guy that was talking bad about it. Actually, he was just giving you what people were... Oh, someone talking bad about it. That's that UBI? Yeah, someone talking bad about it. Well, yeah, $3,000 a month is a lot. That's crazy. That's almost...

That's crazy. But yeah. $36,000 a month is a lot. That's crazy. That's almost – that's crazy. It's $36,000 a year? That's – I mean, look, that would be nice, right? Then you'd be in the top 1% of the world. Everybody over $34,000? Yeah, $34,000 I think is 1% of the world. It says it would cut the nation's poverty rate in half. Wow.

Yeah. But do you – Where's the money coming from? And also, do you lose incentive at that point that's a good question is that bad is it bad to lose incentive yes why because that's what it's like the drive it's the only reason otherwise you nobody overcomes anything nobody achieves there's no is that true is it the is the drive does the drive always have to be for survival, or can the drive be the drive to succeed and better yourself? Say, look at it this way.

If you had $35,000 a year, would you think you'd be cool? You'd be like, I don't need to tour. I got $35,000 coming. No, I'd want to work harder. Right. I think a lot of people would want to work harder because I think your motivation would be different. Your motivation would be to do better than $35,000. But that $35,000 would take care of you.

Look, if money was free and economy didn't make any sense and you could just fix it like that, I would say, yeah, fix it like that. Where the fuck is all that money coming from? That's a crazy amount of money. Yeah, we couldn't do it. I mean, that means a lot of rich people would have to give up some of their money. People aren't doing all of that. Dude, that would be $900 billion every month. Yeah, nobody's doing that.

Am I right about that? $300 billion? It's for every adult. It's not to give it to every person. Oh, okay. Every adult. Oh, so you'd have to raise your kids. They get the money.

Fuck it. They get a car, $3,000, no bills. Oh, so you'd have to raise your kids. They get the money. Fuck it. They get a car, $3,000, no bills. That's true. That's true. So how many people are we dealing with? How many people are adults? It changes, too. This is the argument they make,

is that you would end some of the subsidies that are already going on, like Medicare and some Social Security and maybe welfare in some cases because people would have money that they're spending or they're getting now. So that money might, I don't know. It'd be money might i don't know it'd be worth a shot i think it'd be worth a shot but how long do you try to make you know because then people are gonna be like i needed more time you know right well that would be they wouldn't ever get their shit together there's some people

that will definitely do that there's some people that will never get their shit together and i don't believe that this is a simulation. I don't believe that we're in some sort of a video game, but if we're in something that was a learning environment, you would want both to have your own opportunities for failure and to see examples of failure

around you. You would want to see that. Like, I'm not happy that Artie Lang, that his nose is caved in and that he's got all these problems with drugs. I'm not happy with that. I love Artie Lang. I want Artie Lang to be clean. I think he's hilarious.

I think he's a great guy. The one thing that could be good that comes out of that for anyone other than Artie Lang and Artie Lang's loved ones and friends is someone that's just looking at him online and sees what he's done and goes, fuck. That inspiration. I don't want to ruin. This guy's in and out of court. He's always getting arrested. He keeps pissing hot.

It's kind of cheesy. I was reading something today. Well, the thing is that it's sad. It's sad. And people love the guy. And you see this is dangerous. Drugs are dangerous. Some people, it hits them this way

and for whatever host of factors, Artie's got it bad and we love Artie. So someone on the outside seeing that could be like, wow. And that now is a thought in their head if somebody offers them those same drugs. And so I don't need to make my life hit rock bottom. I can look at this guy or that guy or maybe someone in the neighborhood or people around you that don't get their shit together.

You can see what happens when they don't chase their dreams. They don't follow their ambitions. They don't take the time to let the people around them know that they love them. They don't do those things, and you get to see that. That's a little bit of your own education, too. It's not ideal. Ideal would be everybody is doing great, and we would all have this big old fucking happy community. But, yeah, some education comes from that.

You get education from that and also but do you start to even specifically with arty lang do you ever think that when that started to become such a big part of his life that i like i worried that that i wonder will it does he is he gonna falter with drugs and stuff it because it keeps his name in people's minds no i don't think so you know i don't think i wouldn't think people are he's he was always a successful guy anyway. When I met him, he was on MADtv. I met him in 1994, the same time I met Callan. I became friends with Artie. We did a scene together where I played a boxer, and he was a boxing manager.

I didn't even know that. I didn't even know he did that show. Yeah, man. It's probably online somewhere. Wow, he looks so young. I was like, I think I was 27. Wow. Yeah, and he was probably the same age as me or real close, as was Callan.

Callan is just a, that's me right there. That is crazy. You're the boxer? Yeah. Wow. Dude, that is crazy. Nah, it's a joke, you jerk. Come on.

I can't even see how my... Oh, look at the shoulders, though, huh? You know, I got to thank you, because if it wasn't for you, I would have never got this far. Oh, my God. This is atrocious. What does it feel like to look at your young body like that? It's weird. Is it?

Yeah, it's weird. Does it feel like a different person? Yeah, it doesn't feel like it was me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. person yeah it doesn't doesn't feel like it was me yeah yeah yeah well you you look at yourself you know from the past fuck bro look at you already handsome guy even already fucking handsome and yeah dude i had hair look at all that hair it's kind of an illusion was it yeah it was falling out it was definitely on the way did you know you were gonna lose your hair terrified yeah

it's weird seeing my body with no tattoos too oh that's interesting yeah that wasn't even like uh weightlifting days that was all martial arts days dang bro strange i but yeah the first time i even heard already was just through drugs so maybe my perception of that is that. Well, Artie, he was a very successful comedian for sure from The Howard Stern Show, from doing Dirty Work, that Norm MacDonald movie, and a bunch of other things, Mad TV, so many different things that he did. He was always very successful and very well liked.

In the comedy world, if you don't like... If someone says, fuck Artie Lang if you don't like like if someone says fuck arty lang you'd be like what really right who the fuck are you yeah what you don't like arty yeah that's wrong he's the nicest guy ever it's just one of those things man you don't want to see it go down like that you don't want to but you learn from it yeah other people learn other people do learn from it other people learn from all kinds of things that people do wrong. You don't want those things to happen, but man, they're educational for all of us. We're all in this constant state of evolving. This culture that we're in right now, this civilization is rapidly changing. Everything is shifting and moving and growing. It's out of control, i mean it really is oh and a lot of elements even like um i was listening to the when you and bill burr were talking last time he's in when he's talking about like flying around and stuff like that and then he was talking about doing a comedy special he's

like i don't even know what to do with it these days do i just do clips do i put it like yeah things just change so fast whereas like a year ago or two years ago it'd been like oh this is exactly what you do make a special it's like now it's like do i well it used to be you didn't have an option you know the first guy who actually introduced it as an option was louis because louis decided to put his special on his website and you buy it for like five bucks which is a really reasonable amount and it was a really good special and it killed he made a shit ton of money right and then people realized that he made a shit ton of money and then people realized how good he was and then people realized how famous he really actually was and then everything started booming and taking off for him and he was already in the

process of happening but it happened even more because he did that then netflix came along right that's the ideal they shook it up there's nothing better than that situation that situation they just set it up so they put they're like we're gonna get everybody we have a fucking trillion dollars we're gonna get everybody we're gonna get all the greats we're gonna get chapelle chris rye everybody fill in the blank sebastian they're just gonna correct bill burr they're gonna just crush it and keep crushing it and then um anything else now like if someone has a special on Comedy Central, you go, oh, I guess Netflix wouldn't hook them up. Yeah.

They ought to go to Comedy Central. That's how you look at it. Right. In the comedy community. Right. But I think a real player is going to be Amazon because this Amazon show, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Yeah, people love it. It is fucking good, man.

Is it? It's good. As a comic, I watch it, I get nervous. I get anxiety when she's about to go on stage. I gotta watch it.

Dude, it's fucking good. The guy who plays Lenny Bruce kills it. Kills it. He seems like a less seedy, less problematic Lenny Bruce. But he seems a lot like Lenny Bruce I mean he's it's you know he can only do so much with it he's written in as uh he's like uh someone who helps the marvelous Mrs. Mayfield was Lenny seedy was Lenny Bruce seedy man a little bit I mean it's just I just I he doesn't see the guy this is just the way it's written

doesn't seem like a guy who died of a heroin overdose. Right. Is that how he died? Yeah. He seems like more together in the TV show. It almost seems like in the TV show he seems like a victim of the censorship of the circumstances involved in that point in time. More like in the future. He went mad.

You know, have you ever see any of the ancient, one of the things that I noticed when I, when I really started getting into standup, I used to start, I would watch some of the old stuff. And one of the things that I found is that you can, I think I bought it as a VHS. I forget.

I don't think it was online. I think it was way before YouTube and the stuff was available online. You could get old performances. And I watched Lenny Bruce. Wow. And this videotape that I bought, it's basically they're filming him going over his court case in front of a group of people.

It's really weird because he's not really telling stand-up. He's just reading off of his court case. Oh, wow. That's kind of interesting. It's not. It's interesting. It's not. It's not.

It's like he's going mad. It's going crazy because they're trying to bring him into jail. They're fining him and arresting him and they're locking him up in jail and they're ruining his career because he's swearing on stage. And what he's trying to say is like, you know, no, this is, I'm trying to point things out. I'm swear, if I say something, if I say a naughty word, it's for a reason. It's to express myself. I'm not just saying things because they're illegal and I want you to lock me up.

He went on trial for that? Oh, yeah. Oh, he went to jail for that. He got arrested many times. Many times. Him and George Carlin. Look, the reason why we can do it the way we do it now, there's a direct, you could trace the path. There's a direct path to Lenny Bruce.

Lenny Bruce started it all off. I need to do some more work. He opened the door for guys like Carlin and Pryor. There's Mort Saul back then, too. But Lenny in particular, he had an irreverence to him and this notion to buck the current standard of what you could and couldn't say. He just changed what comedy was. That's brave. Dude, there's people like that that are these figures,

whether it's Nikola Tesla for technology and innovation, whether it's – there's a bunch of people like that in this world. Yeah, changers. One dude. It's like Elon Musk is another one. One dude, pow, just woo, look at this. Jesus Christ. in this world yeah they just changers one dude's like elon musk is another one one dude pow just whoa look at this jesus christ these these people that are like that one guy just goes off in a direction yeah and i say i think like i wonder if say if they went to the universal um money for

everybody right you ubi or whatever i don't necessarily think it's the worst thing in the world but then would you have as much adversity for people like would you get a nikola tesla would you get a george carlin would you get people if they didn't have to look at the world that they're born into and see not things be uneven and spark some desire you know i just wonder if we get that i don't know i think you would only have your needs met I think you would still have your desire to improve. I think that's an inherent thing, but I think it would be more Beneficial this is just a wild guess. I'm oh, yeah wrong

It might be totally wrong and it might be it might you might be right it might ruin people's ambition But it might raise the base level right so what we're what we're operating from is never the same level of desperation. So maybe we're not as mean to each other. Right. But maybe the innovation still takes place because people are always going to want to be challenged. And maybe it comes from a good place. Right. Instead of from this constant place of desperation.

Right. So if somebody goes from a zero to a ten in their life, which would be, you know, somebody that does something unique and special and outstanding. Right. from a zero to a 10 in their life, which would be, you know, somebody that does something unique and special and outstanding. If everybody are automatically is given a three at their base, then now that person is going to get us to a 13. Yeah. Or maybe you just don't have as much violence. Yeah. You don't have as much sadness.

that's true because people, yeah, people were violent when they see, they want stuff from other people. If your, if your food, if your food and your shelter is always met like we don't have that right and we've talked about earlier about like cultures have standards and these

standards they're different everywhere and those communities accept them and they don't like it when you try to change the standards if our standards here were that all of our needs are met we just we decide as a community if we're going to stick together and call ourselves america we should treat ourselves as a family we treat ourselves as a family. We treat ourselves as a family. We shouldn't ignore neighborhoods. We shouldn't ignore communities that are downtrodden. We shouldn't ignore any kind of poverty. We shouldn't ignore a lack of education or a lack of nutrition. We shouldn't ignore those things. So if we take care of all those things, all of those things, first, before we do anything else, if you had to re-engineer America, would you think, hey, what we have to do is ramp up the military

budget by $94 billion because we're basically arms dealers, and we're going to make these deals with Syria and Saudi Arabia, wherever the fuck we could sell rockets to? No. But that's what we do. That's what we do. That is what we do. But if instead someone came along and said, no, the way to make this country stronger is not make the arms industry bigger.

The way to make this country stronger is to make the human industry better. Right. Make it better. Let's fine tune humans. Fine tune us. Yeah. Why haven't we done that? Less losers.

Yeah. 2024. I like that. Theo Vaughn, run for president. Less losers. That would be the best. I'll be your vice president. You would?

I'll be like Pence. I don't do anything. I like that, man. Just hang back and eat chicken. Nice. And I'll have the weird hair. I got to your vice president, but I'll be like Pence. I don't do anything. I like that, man. Just hang back and eat chicken. Nice, and I'll have the weird hair. I got to pee so bad, yo. Is it okay if I sit down and urinate? Yeah, go ahead.

We're probably almost done anyway. It's already 3 o'clock. Go pee. Go pee. Here's an infographic on the UBI. It's because the argument for the positive or wanting it is a lot of jobs are going to be replaced by robots soon. Right. Yeah.

And these are some of the jobs that are at risk. Yeah. I don't know. They think automation is going to kill most jobs. So insurance underwriter, 99% of jobs are at risk. Farm laborer, 97% of jobs are at risk. Wow. Fast food cook, 97% of jobs at risk.

Construction laborer, 88%. Truck driver, 79%. Mail carrier, 68%. Wow. They recently had a robot cooking food. I think it was called Flippy. I don't remember where they put it. I think it was somewhere in the United States maybe,

but they just fired it was the word they used because it was doing too good. Whoa. Yeah. Fired it because it was doing too good. Whoa. Yeah. Fired it because it was doing too good. Yeah. That doesn't, I get it. I believe it.

Yeah. That's a stupid ass-ended way of looking at it. I don't understand that stupid shit. Some place called Cali Burger. I don't know where that is. It was too good. That's so stupid. That's so dumb.

It's been sidelined at least temporarily turns out the automated fast food worker created by miso robux was a victim of its own success 150 burgers an hour

wow so yeah why is that bad it's better it's way better it's better than you you don't want to work that job no

right I'd suck at that job if we can find some other things for people to do maybe yeah but you know I'm good at a couple of things I'm not good at flipping burgers well you're not good at that you don't want to fucking mindlessly flip burgers it doesn't even need a mind why not leave the mindless things to the

things with no mind so this is the idea behind it but the problem is where's the money come to take care of all the people with the universal basic income And are you saving enough money with the robots to make it actually profitable to pay for people? There is a part on that here. Like you save more money and make more money. Cost of their implementation. Well, Andrew Yang is going to come in here and he's going to explain all this stuff to me in a way that's supposedly going to make sense.

He seems really smart, and he was on Sam Harris' podcast, and that worked over there. Man, that's the most urine I've ever held, I think. Congratulations. How much can you hold? What kind of car do you drive, Theo Vaughn? I drive a BMW. But I'm trying to get rid of it.

I figure you're more for a muscle car type fellow. Really? Yeah. I used to own a 1984 ford escort and somebody stole my passenger seat god damn it yeah what are they gonna do with a passenger seat i don't know probably put you know put in the living room i would guess at the time put in the forest and jerk off dude how much comes out in the fucking forest bro a lot yeah that's where the next no wonder

swamp thing happened well i was thinking this once they found out that in some plants some plants contain dna from salmon because the salmon yeah were used as fertilizer by the plant as it decomposed it got into the actual plant itself and you can actually somehow or another through some scientific process that i'm too stupid to understand, they can actually detect salmon in the actual plant itself. We're close. So if you were whacking off on that tree, and that tree, it's every day, that's your spot. You went down to that titty tree and whacked off on the roots. Yeah.

And then after a while, you did an analysis and you found your DNA in the tree itself. Hell yeah. Can you imagine? Oh, it'd be great, man. If it maintains the information of everything that whacked off on it. You have a little son made out of wood one day. They had a kid in our town. One time, this guy made his son a wooden shirt.

Did I tell you that? A wooden shirt? Yeah, he made his son a shirt out of plywood for Christmas. What? Yeah. He wanted the kid to wear it? Oh, yeah, i remember i was um wait a minute is it a stiff shirt or is he make it like little itty bitty tiny pieces of plywood and weave it all together oh no it was pretty stiff and the dad was a um yeah like an elvis impersonator you know but dad was an Elvis impersonator yeah at a casino or did

he do it at carnivals no just locally oh um but we didn't even need in that no no money in it really I think he's probably an alcoholic but he had uh he had four kids and one of them he made I was going walking home one night and I heard him in the garage and he's making like a sun, like a, for Christmas, like a wooden shirt, like a, you know. There you go. Not as nice. That one is nice. Wooden shirt. Yeah.

Can you get more? Oh, but that's like a sculpture. Yeah. That's nice. Can you get one more that's like a. Like if you go over someone's house and they have a wooden shirt on a hanger like and they think that's cute just leave no these people are assholes now this kid needed it because people used to beat this kid up is that salmon sculpture yeah yeah it's a framed

wooden shirt that looks like people used to beat him up because of his wooden shirt no people used to beat him up anyway on the bus well the wooden shirt would protect you from a lot of shots is that the idea and it helped he didn't, the wooden shirt would protect you from a lot of shots. Is that the idea? And it helped. He didn't wear that wooden shirt. You better shut the fuck up. I swear to God he did. That kid's not walking around with wood over his body like that.

Not today. You know how heavy that would be? Yeah. Was there pads inside of it? It looked heavy. Fuck no, dude. Who do you think his dad is? Estee Lauder?

Lady. Yeah, see, there's some lady wearing something there. Okay. But this was early. It might have been teak. That girl needs way too much attention. Yeah, see, there's some lady wearing something there. Okay. But this was early. It might have been teak. Can you look up teak? That girl needs way too much attention.

Yeah. Look at her, posing, pretending to be aloof, short hair, by the ocean, wearing a wooden shirt. How about a big no? That's a big no from me. Hey, do you want to meet my friend Michelle? She's channeling with her fucking geometrically patterned wooden shirt on. What? No.

I like regular people. This kid's name was Eddie. Can you look up teak? What does teak look like? Imagine if someone was trying to set you up with that gal. You'd be like, well, I'm torn. Because obviously she's very pretty. Are you sure she's not crazy?

Yeah. If you're super desperate. She might have splinters in her tits. I'm out. Dude, it was one photo shoot. She doesn't wear that. Yeah. Except when she worships the ocean.

I don't like that. Now, that's something a little more malleable. Teak or something like that. What other kind of wood do they have? All over print shirt. Now we're talking. Let's click on that. Yeah, but that's just a print.

Yeah. That's just a print. So it was like that, but a little bit more, but more real. And he wore this for what reason? Protection? Yeah. Like a chest plate? Like a Roman soldier type deal?

I would say like that. Okay. Was it like, how was it connected on the waist, on the sides rather? It was just kind of like a long square. It was almost like a kind of a cereal box kind of. Where did he put his arms? Like rest his arms on the side? In the side, yeah.

Oh, fuck your armpits up. Oh, it was limiting. I mean, man These weren't I mean the man that made it Not a real Savant You can't do that today People would find out

They would call him out Well yeah dude When I was young You could do anything you wanted to You know People would People were I don't know

It was just more fun You used your imagination more When I was young You had more fun How many kids did you see beaten When you were a kid people used to beat their kids oh yeah probably like at least 20 i bet oh yeah but people would fight in the street beat their kids yeah yeah yeah you'd see people beat people up it's way more common but i guess it's maybe we've moved out of those areas too that's true people back in those areas like bro i'm on the front line shit's still going down the mall dude i yeah we used to see people fight man i saw this old man

get thrown into a fire one time in a ditch fire that people were burning leaves threw him right in this guy was in his 80s too mr palito oh my god why'd they throw him in a ditch he was fighting a bus driver he was fighting our bus driver and uh And the bus driver threw him in a ditch? Yeah. I don't know why. Why was he swinging on the bus driver? I don't know. Whose fault was it?

Both of them. Both of them? I think. I mean, they were both adults. I mean, look, man. I'm not surprised they were doing it. Oh. They're questionable humans.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you saw them, you wouldn't be shocked. They were fist fighting. Like, what do you do with people like that? Once universal basic income rolls around and there's some stupid people that just ain't getting any better.

Basic needs met. Okay. So then after that, after you do a couple of years universal basic income, then what do you do? Wolves in the woods. Yeah. Let wolves loose. You got to thin the herd.

That's what I'm saying, man. Got some dude out there jerking off, thinking he's being cute, hanging out behind a bush. He just turns, he's six wolves looking up. And they just know what to do. Take his ass out. Well, you think a wolf would attack you while you were jerking off or no? Fuck yeah. You're all pink.

Everything's pink. Pink ass. Pink dick. Looks delicious. When you're wearing clothes, it's like, can I eat that? I guess I can eat that. I got to get through all that fucking bullshit plywood t-shirt. Once I get through that, I'll eat the fuck out of that dude.

But if they catch you out there with just all pink, oh, yeah, they'll eat the fuck out of you. Yeah. Yeah, I hope I don't do anything bad like that and any of them see me. You know, I don't want to have that kind of ending. You get ended by an animal. Well, listen, I'm going to say right now, I don't think that you're going to be jerking off in the woods and eaten by a wolf. I might be wrong.

Yeah. But I would say that's not how you're going to go. Thanks, man. I like that. I just don't see that in you, bro. I see better things for you. I like your attitude. You're going to be eaten by a pack of wolves, naked, your pecker in your hand.

Imagine if you were about to come and the first wolf bit your calf. You're like, look, they're going to get me anyway. Let me just keep going. Finish it off. You're on the edge. Oh, yeah. And maybe the bite and the pain, because you're about to come, just makes you rock it. Oh, what a bust. You bust like a fire hose. And you get more than usual. Yeah, and you're like, wow, at least

I died with my biggest load ever. Take that! That's one thing you've always been disappointed by, right? Is the sheer volume of your loads. Well, it's not much if you look at it. Take zinc and magnesium. Really? Yeah, allegedly.

Egg whites. I do have zinc at the house, actually. Zinc's supposed to be good for raising testosterone. Oh, I want that bus, bro. I want that bus at the neighbor's. The more you save it up, too. Oh, yeah. that bust, bro. I want that bust at the neighbor's. The more you save it up, too. Oh, yeah. You gather up more.

But I like to do that nocturnal. I want to ride. I want that dream bust that you used to get. If you want to ride, ride the tiger. Super bust. Yeah, bro. Dude, I want that dream bust. Remember when you would bust in a dream?

Those don't happen anymore. But they can if you search for it, if you seek it out. Yeah, but you have to not beat off for a long time to the point where your body's like, this dumb motherfucker can't even jerk off. I'm just going to have to jerk off for him while he's unconscious. Your brain fucking jerks you off while you're asleep, bro. But do you think that you're learning things while you're dreaming? Because some people think you learn things when you're dreaming.

I think that'll be one of the next hurdles that we get over where people are able to be able to take in information while they're asleep. Well, this is what I mean. Like they say, if you have a problem, if something's bothering you, you should sleep on it. And when you wake up in the morning, you'll have a clear perspective. I believe that. Yeah, I think so too. I think that's real because I've done that before.

That seems to actually be a good strategy if you can go to sleep. The problem is if something's really bothering you, you're like, damn, I've got to figure this out. Like you might stay up all night and be exhausted, and then you might not be able to sleep and think through it. You've got to get a higher power to help you out, man. Yeah. So you've got to get – you've just got to say – That's where a higher power comes into place. Do you think you see yourself ever going to church again?

Yeah, I would think so. I think church is kind of evolving over our time and stuff like that. Would you go to Justin Bieber's preacher? Carl Lentz. You know who he is? Yeah. Whoa. He texts me actually.

Whoa. He's trying to groom you. Trying to pull you in. Is he a dark arts? How low do you wear your shorts? Huh? Oh I saw you guys Making fun of his root

Dick root Yeah that was a little wild huh? So you know him? I've never met him No you just text each other Back and forth Yeah we communicate sometimes Yeah that's that root

Hashtag dick root And he Looks good Yeah They're both pretty attractive I think He's got a camel shorts Those camel shorts? Yeah Dick Root. And he... Looks good. Yeah. They're both pretty attractive, I think. He's got camel shorts. He wears camel shorts? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But I've never met him. But I would go to... You just text each other. Yeah. Just to try to meet you and you're like,

not tonight, bro. No. You think he's homoerotic? No. Oh. No. That's a weird way of putting it. Oh.

I think you're homoerotic what bro you're way gayer than me bro you always every time i'm here you talk about jerking off the magical hat we almost wore what about that problem it's like you came in here with like gay expectations no i got nothing dude i jerked off yesterday i'm not even planning on coming again for a couple days do you have a time where like if you've jerked off and it's been like four days like man maybe i should do something uh oh i get that feeling inside of me some it's like a vulture that wants to fly out of my right right right my brain you don't want to be like too sex obsessed no like there's a balance right You don't want to beat off every day.

No. But you don't want to not beat off either because then it'll consume you. But I think I'm going to start hunting that dream. Dude, I want that fucking nocturnal bust. Dude, I'm going to start a group.

I'm hunting that dream. The LNBs, bro. Those late night busters, bro. Those dream. Dude, how funny is that expression? I'm hunting that dream. Yeah. I want that nocturnal bust. That's what I want. Hunting's dream. Dude, how funny is that expression? I'm hunting that dream. Yeah. I want that nocturnal bust.

That's what I want. Hunting the dream. But dude, imagine you fucking are just like... Like, would you... Have you ever come and made dice plane noises? Oh! Have you? That guy's a fucking mook, man.

A mook? I never liked him. Every time I've seen him at the Comedy Store, he's never been nice. He's never been nice to you? Nope. That doesn't make any sense. I don't know why. No.

Have you said hi to him? Have you had a conversation with him? I feel like I've tried to engage with him. One time he brought me up on stage and they told him my name a million times and he never got it. It just got to the point where it felt like he was being rude, making fun. He might just be having fun. He's a good guy. Is he? Yeah, he's a good guy. he never got it. It just got to the point where it felt like he was being rude, making fun. He might just be having fun. He's a good guy. Is he?

Yeah, he's a good guy. I'm a fan. Maybe I need to see another side of him. You probably just gotta get to know him, man. You just gotta get to know him. Dude, when I was a kid,

I was a gigantic Dice Clay fan. I remember when I first started meeting him at the store, I was like, I can't even believe he's here. But once you got to know him as an adult, I mean, being a fan. We've always been cool.

Yeah? Yeah. Maybe I just need to have a new experience with him. Yeah. He's, you know, he just, he's dice. He's crazy. Like, half of his thing, like, if you go to his Instagram page, half of it is like a put-on. He's always fucking around.

Oh, yeah. He's always being funny. Yeah, that's true. But he gave me very good, he's the reason why I started touring. He gave me very good advice. And I was, you know, I was like in the 90s, man. He's like, you should go fucking tour. Yeah, that's true. like don't get roped into only working in hollywood doing television shows and stuff like that because then these other people control your destiny you could tour yeah and this is from him obviously coming out of he had the most insane epic success of any comedian ever yeah he was a rocket ship he was he had sold out hundreds of arenas arenas giant ass places oh i remember when his dvd or his seat

whatever would hit the neighborhood and whatever all the kids were watching it and i wasn't even allowed to watch it so i thought when i was listening to him talk i was thinking oh yeah of course like this guy probably made more money than anybody ever did on a sitcom ever oh yeah and he did it just doing whatever the fuck he wanted to do and he was basically saying hey don't get wrapped up in this only. You could tour. You can make money. I mean, even if I never made money the way he did,

you could still make a living. Whereas if you don't tour and you just do sitcoms or just work in television, especially if you work as a writer, that's the dark path. The great stand-up comic that becomes a writer, they never tour

and they never develop a crowd and does that happen yes it happens a lot but weren't they just supposed to be a writer then no no no no no no they gave in to the writing they could have when we know great comedians who mostly work as writers and it doesn't make any sense when they don't want to They want to be a comic out there performing, and the level of their material is far better than the level of their notoriety. I see what you're saying. Yeah, that's very popular. I always use Owen Smith as a perfect example.

Owen Smith, in my opinion, is one of the best comedians on the planet. He's a killer. That dude makes me cry. Funny guy. And he's so good. His timing, timing stage presence is delivery his material the subject matter it's excellent it's top shelf comedy yeah but most people don't know who he is right and that's because he's made a he's made a great living

as a writer but he's still he should you know he should be recognized as a comic as well yeah that's how i look at it so basically what dice was telling me back then was like get out go go someplace go do the road do comedy out there you could headline clubs well gratefully yeah i mean i'm glad he did that because if we wouldn't get you you might not be the same comedian if he didn't say that. Yeah, I'm sure. And I don't know. You know, it's easy to just decide someone's an asshole or, you know, you have one interaction with someone, you want to shit on them. I just think you should be, and I'm trying to do this myself, be very careful when you shit on somebody.

Yeah. When is it valid and when is it just you looking for something to shit on right like when are you showing no empathy yeah you know when what is it no i think i mean uh yeah you're right i mean i'm willing to have a new you know a new experience too late you fucked up fuck you said his name you said mook it's over oh well i don't care about that i mean he's gonna get mad but he he was an asshole to me so it's okay if i if i they he just they kept there like he was on stage before me so i was gonna go up after him he was probably joking around man yeah but at a certain point it was uh it was just

rude it went past that no it was just like he kept not getting it and then did like oh fuck it you know it's just like at a certain point to me it was just rude i see because you were probably a little bit anxious you're going on after him and then he's not saying your name right you feel like oh he doesn't know who i am so this is kind of disrespectful there could have been there could have been yeah i think that that certainly could have been my part in it. There could have been some ego in it. I think he was 99.9% fucking around. He thought it was funny. He would do that

if he knew you. He'd be like, oh, who? Bobby Lee. He's alive. I mean, that's part of who he is. Right. Well, maybe I'll have an opportunity to get to know him better. Him and Don Herrera hate each other.

They do? I'm great friends with both of them. Now, I loved watching him at Mitzi Shore's when he performed at the Mitzi Shore's reunion or death party. But I remember I liked watching him there. You know, I don't. I mean, I think that he's a great comedian and stuff. You know, who is he like now, though? I don't know.

Who would you have liked to have seen live that you never got a chance to see? Oh, Richard Pryor. That would have been it. I got to see him live when he was really old and sick, unfortunately. I love him, man. He's near where my mother's from in Illinois. Peoria in the house. I at least got a chance to see be in his presence and see

him live yeah and he had this kind of he kind of had this head bob thing that was very you know who i think could come back and murder stand up right now rosanne eddie murphy yeah i think if eddie murphy came back right now he would murder stand up murder it somebody said that the other day they were thinking he might come back he did a thing one day where he was talking about bill cosby about them taking awards away from bill cosby and he did this bill cosby impression and he did it with this what does that say what happened pop-ups come on the fucker sequel he's coming back for that the movie oh really well is Arsenio in it too? Don't know. He just had his 10th kid.

Wow. Just shooting mad loads. Now there's a guy who needs a birch tree in the yard. 57 years old. He's 57? Damn, it's amazing. He's only 6 years older than me. Or 6 years older than me. That's amazing. Eddie Murphy's? He's been around forever is it a new movie coming out on netflix dude he was killing it when he was like 18 years old he was on saturday night live but he was like 18 or

something it's great you forget how young he was when delirious rolled around yeah good lord he was probably 22 years old or something. Would you... I bet he can come pretty far. How far do you think he can come? Probably a foot? We went over the world record one day. I bet Jim Carrey can come 30 feet, bro. That guy looks like he's really close.

I bet there's a lot of dudes out there that have broken the world record in distance coming, and nobody wants to give them any credit for it. Because it's like an impromptu thing. You know? Like, you don't know. I don't know. I think you know. You're so excited, you pull out.

Yeah, Bajaj! Isn't that what Peter North was known for? He was known for volume. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a crazy thing. The big spitter. When your loads are so hectic that you're known for them like to like if you

say big loads you say peter north everybody knows think about that oh yeah but all the fucking substantial loads that all the porn stars have dumped on all those all those maidens all over the land and then one dude is known for the highest volume of comic you got to be known known you know i'm saying you're right you got to be known known known right you gotta be time after time again you gotta fucking bring that gravy boat yeah yeah you got to be like you got to be like the kanye west of loads you have to be coming and also probably look at your watch or your phone during it and you're still coming when you look back at your dick you got to be the the Mike Tyson of loads. Yeah. You got to be the Michael Jackson of loads. Like Michael Jackson, undeniable.

No, he had very little cum in him, I bet. Dancing, probably zero. But dancing prodigy, he's the Michael Jackson of dance. Yeah, but you don't cum much when you're doing all that. What activities do you think you do where you come a lot like the kind of people that like power lifters probably shoot giant loads right i think you would think they do but for their size and stuff they're not doing that much who do you think shoots the biggest loads oh i think a guy that's in space i think a guy that's on a cliff like a cliff climber

yeah but is that the biggest loads i mean mean, that guy's shooting some fucking... Just because he has the balls to climb up like that? He's busting some real spackle. Maybe that's what it is. He's got balls. Those guys shoot bigger loads. BMX jumpers, and they jump three times in the air and then land on the bike? Yeah. Maybe they have the biggest loads.

Also, guys who fake put a sign on their car when they don't pay a meter and the meter's broken, and they just put sign on their car when they don't pay a meter is like meters broken. They just put that on their car. And if I can still park there, those dudes bust some loads, bro. I think there's other things too. Like pickpockets. Oh, people that wear a turtlenecks do not come very much or far.

No. What is it about wanting to keep your neck warm? It's not very manly. It's just a bitch move. It's just a bitch move. It's just the most French thing, too. And I don't care about the French, dude. Wow, but have you been there? Or are you just prejudiced?

I'm probably prejudiced, too. Have you been to France? Yeah. Have you been to Montreal? I've been to Montreal, yeah. You didn't love the French? I love the Canadians. French Canadians?

Yeah, I'll take them. You love Canadians, period. I love Canadians, period. But do you love French Canadians. Yeah, I'll take them. You love Canadians, period. I love Canadians, period. But do you love French Canadians? Yes, because they are Canadian. But French, bro? Not into French. And nobody is.

They make great wine. Yeah. That's not true. People go to Paris every year. Yeah, but they leave. It's not the kind of place people are milling around, man. I think people go there and they decide that it's better than America sometimes. Didn't Johnny Depp move there?

Yeah. Poor Johnny. You know who else moved there? Fuck. The guy from Law and Order. Mandy Patinkin? No. Richard Belzer.

Richard Belzer. Richard Belzer moved to France. He met a woman probably then Oh yeah I would think Oui oui Free love Yeah Bread

I bet you bust in France bro The vino Imagine Seeming to Cruising down the street In that city It's probably slippery Yeah

The roads are slippery I bet it's all On scooters Cars going around The corner sideways The roads are slippery. I bet it's all on scooters. Cars going around the corner sideways. The roads are slick with loads. Welcome to...

They're going sideways around the corner. Seeming just everywhere through the air. Those loads are flying out of the bushes. DNA. Out of the fucking manhole covers. The clown Pennywise. Dude, this shit is getting gay, bro, today. I got to fucking...

It's just very dick-oriented today. I wouldn't say it's gay. Well, it's that time of year. It's spring. People are refreshed. It's not spring. It's the middle of the winter. Yeah.

It's freezing cold out. It's just January. Whatever. You guys aren't open-minded. That's what I think, bro. It doesn't get more winter than January. It's not even a Groundhog's Day yet. Why don't you say it's August?

Okay. Why don't you just lie? Hey, man, it's like it's August out. Like, what? It's spring. I have the best calendars. Dude, we just did three hours. Did we?

It's 3.30. Jesus Christ, bro. This is the longest conversation I've ever been in in my life. No, we've done this before. Not this much, man. I think we did. How long was the last one? I think a lot of them are three hours.

I'm going to have to get on some pills or something to be able to go through this again. Drink one of these nitros. Really? Caffeinated. Yeah, they juice you up. Plus, it was fun. Oh, it was fun? Actually, the last one was longer nitros. Really? Caffeinated. Yeah. They juice you up. Boss, it was fun. Oh, it was fun? Actually, the last one was longer.

Oh, really? 15 minutes longer than we've gone so far. Damn. That fucking limited bust on this one, huh? I think this is the right time to end it, though. Yeah. We did it. Thanks for having me.

My pleasure, brother. Anytime. You got a new podcast out with Brendan Schaub. Yep, called The King and the Sting, and it comes out it comes out how'd you become the rat king what is that he just made fun of me one time and called me a rat oh did you see that video of a bunch of rats connected together to pretend that they're a snake oh yeah there was i just said whitney cummings sent it to me they do that that's trickery i found it on uh twitter you've seen that yeah it's trickery. I found it on Twitter. Have you seen that? Say it again. Yeah. It's on my Twitter.

There's a bunch of rats that connected themselves, and they're running together to pretend that they're a snake. That's a rat king. To confuse. Well, a rat king is when they all get bundled up together, and they get stuck. And they get their tails twined up. How the fuck does that ever happen? Disgusting creatures. Party.

Yeah, they die that way, too. They find them all caked up and fucking trapped. Party them, bro. It's spring break, dude. That's Burning Man. That's Burning Man for rats. Rats, yeah. Look at this.

Watch this. Play this. Look at this. Those are all rats all completely bundled up together to look like a snake. So the mama rat's in the front, and all the baby rats stay connected to each other to pretend they're snakes so they avoid predators and i and if you and i saw that from far away we think it was a snake 100 yeah how crazy that's amazing mother nature's amazing man mother nature's a motherfucker yeah we're limited time i think humans you think oh this is part time brother

there's no way they're letting us out here fuck around forever. All those dumb motherfuckers could do is pretend to be a snake. We can make snakes. We can make robot snakes. Shoot them to Mars out of our robot dick. We can't beat an avalanche, though. Can if you're not there. Oh.

Oh. Don't go near where it gets avalanche-y. Nice move, bro. Nice move. The King and the Sting. Theo Vaughn on Instagram and Twitter. Thank you, thank you for having me uh thank you my brother anytime anytime and we'll we'll see you tonight at the comedy store later Thank you.