The Joe Rogan Experience - #123 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 20, 2011

Joe sits down with Tom Segura.

Shazam bitches welcome back what's up brother what's up man it's good to have you buddy thanks for having me we're gonna be doing the ice house in Pasadena this weekend so it's a fun place man that's one of those old school places. I think they've been open for 30 years now or something crazy. Yeah, they've been open over... Don't they claim to be the oldest comedy club in the nation? I think they might be. It's them and then the Comedy and Magic Club is right up in there too.

And then the store, I think. But if you go there, it's one of those places that has... It's like a fucking comedy museum as well as a stand up comedy club really cool that's the coolest part yeah because you're walking around and you see headshots from like the 70's man headshots from the 80's

and contracts I saw a David Letterman contract last time I was there and his social security number is on it but it's covered like by the frame and I'm like damn if you really wanted David. And his social security number is on it, but it's covered by the frame. And I'm like, damn, if you really wanted David Letterman's social security number, you'd just steal this picture and break that frame. You just gave somebody an idea.

Wow. Why did you give somebody an idea? How about you bring that up to us before the podcast, and we say, yeah, maybe we shouldn't talk about that on the air. And you go, yeah, I guess you're right. Whoops. Now you've got to talk to the ice house. I'll be there tomorrow night.

Tickets on sale. Free coupon code on my Twitter. They have other content too. They didn't alter it at all? I don't know. They might have, but I was looking at it and I was like, holy shit, why is that just sitting there? That seems like they would know that by now.

It has to be altered. Yeah, it must be altered. I would assume. Hopefully. Jesus Christ. Unless I'm just a crook looking at fucking headshots and I'm like, wow. They busted a bunch of those anonymous cats, huh shitload of them yeah some in california too and what do they charge them with i don't know that's like cyber terrorism or something like

that yeah that's that's hardcore federal what did they do exactly i know they went after companies they thought were bad and uh they hacked paypal i think they did or they fucked with paypal somehow i can't remember and they like started taking people's paypals and like buying things on amazon like they but it was all fun stuff like they would buy like diapers to an old person or something like that and uh things like that but it was hacking paypal which i guess can be considered like a bank or something like that so that would would be a federal crime, I would imagine. Yeah, they're fucked, huh? Yeah. You're getting in real trouble for that shit now, I guess.

Cybercrime is legit now. It's terrorism. Yeah. Do you remember they used to not have laws for this stuff? Because when people would do things like this for the first time, and people would get like, we don't really have a law yet for breaking into this type of account because they didn't know this shit existed.

So they had to pass all these laws. We still have to pass laws for new crimes. You know what I mean? Technology allows for new crimes to take place. Yeah, yeah, crimes that didn't exist before. They weren't possible before. You remember when they first started using those things over the phone where they would have tones that you

could call and use over the phone and it would like hack the phones yeah what the fuck was that yeah what how how did that work i can't even remember i don't i never something you could do to a phone by sending a tone through it and that certain tone would interact with the machine on the other side and i don't know know what the fuck it allowed you to do. But just the fact that somebody figured that out, man. Yeah. People are so creepy. They'll try to exploit every little, you know, in any little system.

There's got to be some way to make money off this. That's why security never becomes foolproof because when you develop a new security system, it becomes someone's mission to break that. So then you just make it as good as it can be, and then you have to evolve that. You kind of need those guys, though, because if you don't have those guys, you don't have any realistic sense of how secure your data is. Oh, yeah. You need some fucking psychos going after your shit.

If psychos go after your website, then you know. Then you know, because you can't just have your employees, well, we're going to test it from the outside and see if we can whack in. Nah, you don't have enough motivation, stupid. You need to be hating the government. Did you tweet that article about the guy who is going to prison now for life or something? For hacking his neighbor's Wi-Fi? Yeah, he's gone for 18 years. He was terrorizing the family.

He was a crazy person. That was an amazing story. Horrible story. You hear you hear shit about that scary scary somebody can just do that that's terrifying i think as a business the only way to protect yourself from like these like hacks like anonymous and stuff like that is just to have a shitload of cats on your website you know so if it's like wells fargo bank just put cats all over the place because i think that's how crazy this shit is, like this anonymous and stuff is. It seems like they're only attacking people unless

you don't get the internet, you know? It's almost like, hey, if you like cats and if you like piracy and torrents and shit like that, then you're on our side. But if you're, it's almost like it's like a gang, like an internet gang, you know? What are you saying? I don't understand what you're saying.

It's connections to 4chan as an example and things like that. Even if they're not in 4chan or whatever. 4chan supports them. They support 4chan. And then Lewis Sack or Low Sack supports Anonymous. It's almost like you just almost have to be in some kind of gang and just have a lot of cats on your website, I think, to protect you. What is the cats on the website?

Just because that's like saying, hey, I'm on the internet too. I like cats and hamburgers. What the fuck are you talking about? You really need to go to a doctor. If you think anything in that sentence made any sense, you need to go to a doctor. I you think anything in that sentence has been any sense, you need to go to a doctor. I did not follow. All right.

You want me to explain it? No, no, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No, let's move on from that. What the fuck are you talking about? Fucking cats. The thing, the best thing.

I know what you're saying, though, that it seems like they're in kind of a gang. And it does seem like. Sorry, I honestly didn't follow. I'm sorry. All right. You know the internet. What's popular on the internet? Cats and burgers. Cats and all right you know the internet what's popular on the internet cats and cats and shit like that like a cat's really that popular on

the internet fuck yeah it's like what it's porn cats business is this what happened to egypt when egypt went down saw a cat worship are they gonna look at us the same way you know maybe this is what cat worship is if you looked around people's fucking houses of those your cat your thing that you have with the the cat with the dynamite on it yeah that lucky cat that's think about how many porcelain cats are all throughout people's homes tons there's a lot of aliens yeah there's a lot if you like if archaeologists came here from the future they might say well they were this weird cat worshiping group of cats ran non-environmentally conscious freaks yeah cats were running shit and then they would find out about the toxoplasma shit and they would make some half-ass hypothesis that the reason

why we were so fascinated with cats is we all had toxo sure sure that's what made us all go crazy do you think that we uh wrong like uh inaccurately uh get an idea of like past uh civilizations like i think you have to. You have to be, right? Where you're like, here's what they used to do. Well, what fucks my mind, man? 40,000 years ago. What fucks my mind is shit like Sumer.

Because there's only a fucking handful of people who can read that shit. That's cuneiform, I think it's called. And it's these weird lines. And man, it takes forever to translate that shit. And there's a lot of discrepancies. That's why that whole Zechariah Sitchin movement, if you're not aware of that, this is, you know, the Zechariah Sitchin shit, right? That's that he believes that in his study of the Sumerian text, this guy was like a legit scholar on ancient languages. And he believed that his through his study of the ancient Sumerian text. This guy was like a legit scholar on ancient languages. And he believed that through his study of the ancient Sumerian text,

he believed that it was a detailed account of how human beings were created by an advanced intellect called the Anunnaki. And that they mixed their DNA with us. And he says this is all in this ancient text. And it's very disputed. There's a lot of people that don't agree with him. A lot of mainstream scholars from that era, they don't agree

with him, but this guy stuck to his fucking guns, and, and he, he believed that the entire human race was created by these, you know, these things called the Anunnaki, and this is all written down, what really fucks my mind is is whether or not that's what they wrote down or what, who knows what crazy person wrote, whatever you're reading. You know, what you're reading doesn't necessarily represent the whole world. What if you stumbled onto a pile of ancient Stephen King books? You know what I mean? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows what exactly you're reading when, but it's, it fucks my mind that you can go that far back with people it's like you can really trace progress but things get lost somewhere along the way and there's a few places where it's like they'll

just stumble on some shit and go whoa whoa whoa whoa where'd this come from Troy you mean Troy is real yeah this is a real city what the fuck now recently Atlantis they found Atllantis in spain they're almost positive it has the concentric rings it looks just like it it's in the right area and they there's all the really yeah there's there's also um there's there's also some interesting evidence that there was uh models of atlantis that resembled this this place and they had been passed down like in the images so closely matched and had all these symbols in it that represented, like, symbols of Atlantis, and it's just way too close.

Like, a lot of scholars are getting on board with this. They think they found it. So it's like so much shit is, they're always finding ancient shit. It's like, civilization has gone so fucking far, but we can't really follow it in a straight line. No. Especially before a certain time. Yeah. When you get like 2000 BC.

Oh, man, son. How long ago is that? You know when those things get really old ones, they're like, this is a civilization that that's 40 000 years old and they they'll they'll you know they'll read something on the wall they never uh like take into account the possibility that it's art it's always like they're like this is the document this is like documentation right showing that they loved whales and that they would fuck here and talk to the sun here and then eat the whale. This is what they did in their day. What if it was just somebody

painting or drawing? That's never really a possibility. When human beings first figured out how to communicate, for sure right away they started lying. Right away. As soon as they realized they could lie and get away with things and then you don't get in trouble for stuff,

people just start lying, for sure. It's just, it has to be old as fuck. It seems like just an inherent, like, escape door in consciousness, the ability to communicate, but then give deceptive communication and fuck with other people. So, from right away, people were probably untrustworthy, and especially in their depictions of the past, especially they talk about like things that happen i mean jesus christ everybody knows that the winners write the history books and you know back then the history books

were written on animal skins sure you know i mean who the fuck knows what really happened you know it's like it's very shady at best and you don't you never portray yourself really in a negative never shameful yeah no one's no one's a bad guy yeah if it's you i mean it's i mean that's of course there's you know different cultures and they have different depictions of the same story and you can kind of extrapolate from all those who's probably got it right but it's a lot of gray area man yeah you're talking about you know thousands and thousands of years ago and then they constantly have to move the date they found that place in turkey recently over the last decade or so i believe it's called gobekli tepe and it predates anything by like 5 000 years it's like 12 13 000 years old yeah and they're like fuck like we didn't even think people were making shit back

yeah they thought that back then people were just strictly hunter-gatherers so there there's all sorts of like, and they don't know anything about that culture. They're like, what is this? Why do they have lizards on these rocks that they've carved out? They have these giant columns with lizards on them. This one's got a sheep on it. What the fuck were they doing? Is this like just all the stuff they eat? What is this?

The lines of Nazca. Have you ever seen those? Man. Dude. Those are amazing. That's a trip. And they're so enormous. Yeah.

The whole thing. I mean, I know this is obviously what everyone says about it, but it really blows your mind when you think about it. The only way you could see what you're doing is if you're in the air. Yeah. There's no other way to see how well you did this. And these things are so old that like how is how could you check it out i mean the the the lines are as wide as roads yeah roads yeah wide with turns perfect

yeah perfect lines the only way like you see crop like they do it on farms right like they'll do like fun things but the only way they're seeing what they're doing is somebody's in a plane and radioing like now here and drive six yards well the guys who make the the crop circles don't have to do that the guys who make the crop circles what they figure out how to do is they just mark some numbers down they figure out like distances like this is god they call themselves the circle makers and they they've shown that you can make certain you know certain pretty intricate crop circles but what's amazing about this is we know that there's air flight now we know that people are going to see these crop circles i mean if people made these things for fun or for hijinks if that's why they're making these crop circles these beautiful designs

just to make people go what the fuck we know that people are going to see them from a plane. So the idea that these can only be seen from the sky, it's like, who are you making them for? And the fact that they're thousands and thousands of years old, it's the point where they don't really know exactly. Do we not even know? They don't really know. No, they don't know why,

they don't know who, they don't know what it symbolizes. They don't know if the fucking mountain was flattened out, by the way. You know, there's an area where the Nazca Lines is, that it looks like it was fucking excavated. It looks like it was excavated. It looks like it was flattened out. It looks like it was sculpted.

It looks like it was worked on by machines. I don't know if it was, but I wouldn't be fucking completely surprised that there wasn't some very sophisticated level of humanity at one point in time that died off and dropped back you know i don't know if they were ever as far as we were but who knows man when you see shit like that there might have been some people flying fucking planes three or four thousand years ago that might have been real that could be it might be it might be it's it's fucking why why else would they draw those things man why would they do that

they're incredible they're giant massive and that yeah it's what's the purpose those are from the sky you're supposed to look at it from the sky you you know you're doing it just for the satisfaction of knowing that someone can look at it from the sky really and this is going to be like a common practice in a place where it looks like there's runways and it's also it's not only you have to see from the sky it's out of the way in the sky yeah like that shit is way out of the way maybe back then though you didn't really understand life so you're like i know there's something up there that it storms on us we have heard thunder i am going to make a sign to appease to the god you So you might be not like a plane, but it's more like a ritual, like an offering. That's definitely a real possibility.

Absolutely. Sure, that's possible. The thing that you have to consider more is the straight lines. They look like runways. They're all over the place up there. Huge. It looks like goddamn Logan Airport. That's what it looks like.

It looks like an airport. There's all these runways. What's those big statues that were big rectangles that had their mouths open? And they had, like, you know what I'm talking about? And they used it in the Gradius video game. They're on an island. Oh, the East Island? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's a trip, too. Yeah, that's, I mean. That shit's awesome. They really, they struggle to figure out how they moved those stones thousands and thousands of years ago, how they cut them so well. Machu Picchu's like that, too. Yeah. Like, those stones are no shit, like, the size of, like, the wall behind you. Yeah.

And they lay into another stone like this. Yeah. Like, you can't slide a piece of paper between them. And you go, you look at these, like these boulders, basically. They're smooth. They're shaped. They're massive. You go, this would take hundreds of people. How would you get it to fit into the next

rock where it looks like they're made for each other? It's unbelievable. It's pretty deep shit. I've been there. I've been there three times to that place, to Machu Picchu. Really? Is it a cool trip? Would you recommend going as a vacation? Yeah, and you see how a lot – I've been there. I've been there three times to that place, to Machu Picchu. Really? Really, yeah. Is it a cool trip?

Would you recommend going as a vacation? Did it blow your mind? Every time. Yeah. Every time. What is it like? What does it feel like when you're up there? Isn't it – first of all, isn't it like 10,000 feet above sea level, something crazy? I don't think it's that high up.

I mean, it's in the Andes. You fly to Cusco in the south of Peru, and then you take a train from Cusco to – By the way, if I was a single girl and you were telling me all this, I would be so attracted to you right now. I'd be like, he's the man of the world. He's been to Machu Picchu. He's so amazing. I think I can get him to go vegan. I highly recommend him.

I'd be like, I jerked off to fart porn. 7,900 feet above sea level. That's where it is. It's pretty high up, man. Yeah. And they have no idea how old that shit is either, right? They have estimations for that. I mean, it was definitely discovered by, I think they said that they were there in the 1560s, they think it was built.

I think it was 1560s. You know, that's one of those disputed ones with that Graham Hancock guy. And I know a lot of people are like, this is pseudoscience. But he's the guy that predates all these structures. Like he's got a thing on the Great Sphinx with this other guy, Dr. Robert Shock, out of University of Massachusetts, or Boston University, rather. And they think that the Sphinx is like thousands and thousands of years older than everybody thinks it is then conventional Egyptologists

claim it is. Well he's also got a thing about Machu Picchu that they think at one time Machu Picchu was actually on the shores of some water. Really? Yeah that it was on the shores of a river or the shores of a lake or an ocean or something like that. It is stunning. Fuck. The thing

is like it really puts in like this is true about everything that the magnitude and like the greatness of something you can't measure it it doesn't matter how many videos or photos you have to see it i mean it's like it's whether you know it's like seeing a band live or seeing a person who's like just has some seeing tom cigarro at the ice house this weekend sold out both nights bitches sorry did you tag the statues

what's that did you tag the statues yeah yeah yeah I dare you you can suggest it did anybody ever dare put graffiti on those things oh yeah

I'm sure have you seen graffiti have you seen graffiti no that's cool yeah dude that's like a sacred place that would be awful

if you would not leave there so what is so tell us the story. I'm sorry, I'm making fun of you being so attractive with your knowledge. You get in a bus or a train and you get somewhere. How does it go? Yeah, well, you fly into Cusco, which is way up in the mountains. And this is all in Peru.

In Peru, yeah. So when you arrive in Cusco, you're up high already. Cusco is pretty high up in the mountains, and you get powerful headaches, headaches you get in high-altitude places. But I'm pretty sure it's higher than Tahoe or any place like that where you're like, oh, man, my head hurts because you have serious oxygen deprivation. And in Peru, they chew coca leaves. And they drink coca tea, the tea, the leaves that are used to make cocaine.

I had that shit. Mate de Coco? Yeah. I did not like it. I've never done cocaine. I've always been terrified of it. Yeah. But I knew that people, when they did coke, they couldn't shut the fuck up.

Yeah. So I drank this tea, and I couldn't shut the fuck up. Really? And I was saying that. It was with Doug Stanhope. And I was telling him, like, dude, I couldn't shut the fuck up Really? And I was saying that I was with Doug Stanhope And I was telling him Dude I can't shut the fuck up I literally can't shut the fuck up

Can you imagine him on cocaine? That seems insane dude I would love to have a video of you on cocaine That is not for me He would be fired up I don't think I want to know That that's even possible I don't want to be any more intense than I am

I'm good I don't need that shit That's intense than I am. I'm good. I don't need that shit. That's a horror movie right there. Joe Rogan on cocaine. This summer, he turns into... And doing your act.

Doing stand-up. On cocaine? Oh, just all angry and fucking like a punk rock. And somebody heckles you and you just fucking Shut the fuck up! Throw the mic down.

You're like Ron Artest and you just jump out in the stands and start beating somebody. Are you accusing Ron Artest of doing cocaine? Maybe. Wow. Strong words. You know jump out in the stands and start beating somebody. Are you accusing Ron Artest of doing cocaine? Maybe. Wow.

Strong words. You know what Joe Rogan on cocaine would look like? What's up, Ron? What's up, Ron? Step Timmy. Get at me. Put me on your show. Joe Rogan on cocaine would look like that Rise of the Planet Apes trailer that you haven't seen yet.

I have seen that. I have seen that. Isn't that fucking insane? When you said a monkey movie, I thought you meant a documentary. No. Rise of the Planet of the Apes looks like the shit. It's fucking amazing. August 5th, bitches.

When that one jumps out of a helicopter. I'm a little child, bro. I'll take Planet of the Apes. You can redo that shit for me every two years. I'm a dummy. You can have a new script where I know what's going to happen every couple of years and you got me. Yeah. Okay, I'm just going to tell you right now.

I commit myself to all you people making Planet of the Apes movies. I commit myself. Come out with a new one every two years and you got me. I promise you. I will buy the Blu-ray.

I will support you. I will talk about how good it is on Twitter. Please, keep coming with the Crazy Monkey movies. Crazy Monkey movies are good. Oh, the shit, dude.

This one, so it looks like these researchers are fucking with apes, right? Yeah. And they break out. Well, this is sort of what's supposed to be the prequel to Planet of the Apes. This is what caused the problems.

Oh. You know, the idea of Planet of the Apes is the guy goes to the future, right? And he lands in the future and the world's run by monkeys. What do you think about the CGI? It's fucking incredible. Yeah. Now, it does have that little fake look, and I'm sure we're gonna have it. A little bit.

It's still got a little bit of that I Am Legend shit going on when you look in their faces. Yeah. They don't quite have it, man. It's interesting that they can't do living things

quite right. Wow. I wonder if there's gonna be any heartwarming moments. It seems like there's gonna be some heartwarming moments. Yo, let me tell you something. If you saw a chimp

that looked at you like this chimp, you would start screaming. The fact that they were all cool with that, that's just weird. If you saw a chimp that looked at you like this chimp, you would start screaming. The fact that they were all cool with that, that's just weird. If you saw that chimp, that chimp would be a huge internet hit. Oh, I didn't know Dexter Morgan was in this. Wow. I haven't seen this one.

This is a badass preview. Jonathan Lithgow in a touching moment. This is the full one. This shows you where they fucked up. They raised the chimp. That was their little buddy. Then they locked him up in a jail.

Oh my god. So it's got a good fucking comeback sense to it. The chimps. You root for the chimps. You realize what cunts human beings are

and you root for the chimps. Is that the log line for the movie? Yes. That's the way I'm promoting it. I'm promoting it on sort of a separate

underground label sort of division of the movie. This is what we do now. We sort of do shit behind the scenes. That's how you promote it. That's exciting. Fuck these cunt people. That's our promotion.

This is one of the most amazing trailers I've ever seen. He is intense. The last thing you ever want is a chimp coming at you, man. That is the last thing you ever want. You're almost better off with a lion because the lion's just going to kill you quick chimps are going to do some shit to you before you die bite your fingers off they're gonna they're not trying to kill you they're trying to hurt you they understand what makes you a person and they don't have morals they understand what's important to you they understand your genitals mean a lot to you so

they bite those off yeah they understand that your fingers are important for you. They understand your genitals mean a lot to you so they bite those off. Yeah. They understand that your fingers are important for you to use and to make things so they bite all those off next. Yeah. And they do all this without you being able to do a goddamn thing

to stop it. Nothing. Because they're so fucking strong and once they bite one finger off, dude, you're going to be freaking out. You're going to be in shock. You're not going to be able

to handle it. For him, it's another day in the park. He's been biting fingers off since he was two. Yeah. You know, someone steps to him wrong,

he bites a couple of fingers off. That's just what they do. And strong as fuck. You can't even wrap your head around how strong a chimp is, dude. We had a two-year-old chimp on the set of News Radio. A two-year-old. A little baby-ass chimp. This thing was on my back, and it swatted me in the back a couple of times.

And I swear to God, I got nervous. It made me nervous. Because I was thinking, like, what if a cat wanted to kill me? You know, if a cat wanted to kill me, that's terrifying, right? Cats are, you know, I mean, even though they're little, like that fucking crazy thing coming at you, trying to kill you, that would be terrifying. You know, and you're way, way bigger than a cat. And I was thinking, how much bigger is this chimp than a cat? And if this chimp decided to just fuck me up I'm not really sure I could defend myself

he's a two year old chimp and I'm not I'm not really sure that I would get off and then I thought about it and I think my god what must it be like

when they're like 150 pounds it must be unbelievable the amount of force they can generate with their bodies must be just

shocking they can rip car doors off their hinges yeah you can lock a car door and they can just open it. They can open that thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck that. Fuck that, right? Dude. That lady, they tore, with their hands, they tore her jaw out of her face. Her lower jaw came out, you know? Oh, my God. God damn.

That's, yeah. They're scary. Scary fucking creatures. It's so funny that we always want to like look at them like they're real cute too like B.J. McKay and this is my best friend Bear. Smokey and the Bandit

was the best growing up. Smokey and the Bandit have a monkey? Wait. What was the one with the monkey? No. Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood had an orangutan every which way but loose. Yes. That's the one. This motherfucker has no idea what he's talking about.

Smokey and the Bandit. Yeah. Some of the best moments of my childhood. It was that guy with the monkey. Which one? Oh yeah. Clint Eastwood. Oh yeah. Burt Reynolds? This motherfucker has no idea what he's talking about. Yeah, some of the best moments of my childhood. It was that guy with the monkey. Which one? Oh, yeah, Clint Eastwood.

Oh, yeah, Burt Reynolds? It was like five. They all came out at the same time. There was that car chase movie. How many people had monkeys? I think every movie in that time period had a monkey, it seemed like. That was a strong move by Clint Eastwood to go from spaghetti westerns to the badass bare knuckle fist fighter with a monkey as a pet.

The monkey, yeah. With an orangutan. Those movies were great, man. Yeah. Every Which Way But Loose, they were great fucking movies, man. Sure. And what's even more fascinating

about those movies is that's when he was still married to that woman, Sondra Locke, the woman who would go on to sue him and he had to get her some sort of a deal

to get out of the relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had to get her some sort of a deal with a production company as a part of their divorce and he did and get her some sort of a deal to get out of the relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had to get her some sort of a deal with a production company as a part of their divorce, and he did. And then she accused him of sabotaging her projects, and her projects couldn't get going. It was obvious that this guy fucked up.

Poor Clint Eastwood married this crazy broad and was with her for years. And she's an actress, and when they broke up, man, she just fucking went after him. And you got to see the nastiness that can happen in those sort of really public divorces between two fucking movie stars at the time. I mean, she never really worked again after that, not much. I mean, not of that level,

but she was in a lot of Clint Eastwood's movies. And the amount of money that exchanges hands in a divorce like that, too. Oh! Man, that's a lot of Clint Eastwood's movies. And the amount of money that exchanges hands in a divorce like that, too. Oh! Man. Oh! A lot of dough. So you got to see him with her back in the day.

That's when he was still with her. Yeah. And it was like, wow, how weird is this? This dude carried this chick around in a bunch of movies. Yeah. How many movies did Clint Eastwood do with Sandra Locke? How many? It was a Western, right?

Wasn't there one Western? And then there was Every Which Way But Loose, right? Wasn't there one Western? And then there was Every Which Way But Loose, right? Or one of those. Any Which Way You Can. Which one was it? Was it both of them? Was it all of them?

I don't know. Was it she and all of them? I don't know. It's fascinating. It is fascinating. You forget to like, you know, they always talk about

who makes crazy money in movies and so if they're like, you know, so-and-so got a $100 million divorce and they're like, who is it? And Tom Cruise, you're like, yeah know, so-and-so got a $100 million divorce, and they're like, who is it? And Tom Cruise, you're like, yeah, well, that dude's super.

He's a money-making machine. But then Morgan Freeman, who you're like, yeah, Morgan Freeman, he's a great actor. He's been in a lot of movies. He got divorced. I think he gave, I want to say, over $70 million. So you're like, holy shit. How much fucking money does Morgan Freeman have?

Well, you know Morgan Freeman's deal, right? No. Morgan Freeman is apparently banging his non- It's his grandmother, granddaughter from his ex-wife's side who he's not related to by blood. Uh-uh. Yeah, yeah. Good for him.

Something super creepy like that. That's creepy. And he started taking her to events and introducing her as his granddaughter. Oh, that's creepy. Yeah, that's creepy. And then somewhere along the line, it came out that he was banging her. Whoa. Yeah.

And everybody's like, what the fuck? You're so good an actor, Morgan Freeman. I don't care. I know that's how good maybe he was stoned and he thinks it's really funny

maybe he's still stoned right now you mean listen he you know what here's what the deal is he's like what 70 years old yeah I think so

at least 25 year old pussy is so powerful it will get you to abandon your morals your idea you're like

well yeah you will rationalize the shit out of this yeah I've known her since she was a baby but we're're like, well, yeah, you will rationalize the shit out of this. Yeah, I've known her since she was a baby, but we're not related by blood. Yeah, that's crazy. Maybe they never even met. That's what pussy does.

And that pussy was so good because he's an old, old man. Yeah. And she's young and tight, and she's trying to rock him because she likes the spotlight, and she likes the fact that she's throwing some pussy at Morgan Freeman. Or it's the best payback ever to your ex-wife. Or he's the one who goes after it. He could be a creep, too.

You got to look at it that way. Sure. He could have been hawking her, you know, his whole life and waiting for, you know, her to turn 18 and then start putting it to her. How about the dude who just married the 16-year-old? Yeah. The guy from Lost?

Yeah, the guy from Lost. He's 51. She's 16. Well, where are her fucking parents, man? They were cool with it. That's the crazy part your parents have to if you're 16

in Vegas and you want to get married you have to get like permission yeah you know and I think

it was probably set up for teen pregnancies and shit like that somebody trying to do the right thing but fucking A man her parents were just like we love Lost

it's cool it's a great show look at a guy like that is he done the guy's done right yeah you can't go around marrying 16 year olds people not gonna want to hang out with you man this this ain't the 1950s and you're not jerry lee lewis no you know what i mean you can't marry that girl that's crazy that's gotta keep him from jobs too like there's a few directors or producers out there who would consider that dude for a job and then hear that and go nah man what's the other guy's name let's get him on the phone yeah listen he's not that good right they're gonna say that it's not worth his show unless it

was some sort of a reality show based on the two of them that that's that could work yeah that could work a reality show based on a 16 year old but it would really be unfair to the 16-year-old. Because when you were 16 years old, would you really want some document out there of who you were and how you behaved when you were 16? And the whole world can look at it whenever they want. Especially when you fucked up and you married some 51-year-old dude. Well, why should everybody be able to look into your shit? You're not really old enough to understand what the fuck that means yet. You're not really old enough to understand the ramifications of the whole world being able to look in on that.

You know, so that you couldn't have a reality show with her. I think about how little you knew when you were 16. Oh, my God. I was such a fucking... Douchebag. Yeah, man. Can you imagine if you had to meet yourself today and hang out with yourself? As a 16-year-old, I'd be like, dude, seriously, just sit down. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Just shut the fuck up, dude. douchebag yeah man can you imagine if you had to meet yourself today and hang out with yourself 16 year old

I'd be like dude seriously just sit down shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up dude I tell you I found I think I'll just give myself a hug

I found a video of myself you'll probably need a hug too a slow kiss I found a video of myself where I took a camera a camcorder to a party

when I was 18 oh my god right and it was like I'm a senior in high school and I walk through and I just talk to people a party when I was 18. Oh my god! Right? And it was like, I'm a senior in high school, and I walk through, and I just talk to people, and I put the camera on myself, and I'm just doing this for like 30 minutes at this party.

I watched the video, I took it out, and then I broke the tape, and I burned it. Really? Whoa! Yeah, and it wasn't anything incriminating. It was just, I was so... It was like a really rapid, like instinctive response to how much I loathed seeing myself as an 18.

I was like, that's fucking embarrassing. I don't want anybody to see that. And I tore it. I was like not nostalgic or like that would be cool to show to my kids. I'd be like, I hope my kids never could find this. Wow. Because I was fucking like, hey, what's up, buddy? What's up?

And then like myself and just it was fucking horrifying horrifying you think about like the shit you did when you were like like the shit you yelled out to people and like I was like that's fucking embarrassing you know the thing is though you're gonna think it's you think it's embarrassing now but you're gonna wish once you have kids that you have that. I know. You fucked up. I know. I actually put all my shit online, and I've had it on from when I was 15.

I have a movie called Carrots that I did to 18. I had this movie where me and my friend just smoked weed and got drunk and we're hanging out in this one-bedroom apartment. I have all this stuff, and I just think, you know what? I'm just putting it out there. I know it's embarrassing. It makes me look like shit or bad. Well well it doesn't make you look bad but that's only myself telling me that you know it's like it doesn't make you look bad once once you have

children of your own and you start thinking about the process of going from being a baby to actually being a human and all the shit you have to learn along the way then it's going to be fascinating to you sure then you're going to wish you had it because yeah before i had babies i probably would have looked at it differently like i don't want any evidence that i was a retard you know like there's some video of me from rascals comedy hour in new jersey i was like 24 25 a beautiful delicious head of hair and and i'm fucking real skinny i didn't even lift weights back then and uh i'm doing stand-up and it's like oh god it's so dorky yeah my shirt's dorky i look dorky like i'm sound i sound hacky like but it's cool i like that it's out there yeah i bet if i saw that video right now i would be

laughing my fucking yeah i bet it'll be cute it would be cute i could show you i could show you old stand-up you know i mean old like it's seven, eight years old where you don't recognize the way I look. Oh, really? Yeah. Like long hair? Like flowing locks? No, just like really thin and happy. It's weird how people's voices change over the years.

I hear my voice when I was younger and things, and I'm like, wow, my voice is so high-pitched. I was still like a boy. It's weird. I'm really selling what I'm saying, too. I'm like, I'm really over-hyped. There's a tone to your voice that happens after you become 30, where you become like a man. When you're younger, you don't even realize it,

but you have this weird high pitch to your voice. Yeah. I always thought it was cigarettes. That for you. For you, yeah. You never really became a man. It's just cigarettes make it sound like one. When I'm 50, I'm going to be like.

When you're 50, it's going to be full circle. You're going to be on something to treat the cancer that you have from cigarette smoke, and it's going to make you develop even more estrogen. That's what's going to fight the cancer. And then you're going to sound like Large Marge from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Tell them Large Marge sent you. Yeah, that's going to be you. You're going to sound like an old lady.

Did you guys see the Pee-Wee Herman live show? They have it on HBO or something. No, they have it on HBO or Showtime. What do you mean? They filmed his live show. Live show? What does he do? He brought back his playhouse. Oh, get the fuck out of here.

It sold out everywhere. Of course it did. It is so weird to watch as an adult. How about he's 80 and doing it? That's the creepy thing. He did it at the Nokia Club, the theater, but the smaller of the two downtown. And my cousin went and he said that it's all people. They would say lines at the same time it was like seeing a band or something oh no

so it was a nostalgia thing oh absolutely everybody in that theater did you grow up with Weird Al Yankovic yeah sure I just got his new album that is the funniest shit ever that guy still has it man

really like that it's ridiculous to listen to when you're just really baked driving on the highway you'll sit there and giggle the whole fucking way home we got to get him on a podcast that would be awesome i was always a fan of weird al yankovic when i was a kid i thought he was hilarious yeah he's a i'm fat i would always wait for his new shit to come out when he came out out with I'm fat, you know, Roy Big Country Nelson still goes into the octagon with that song? No. He enters with that song. He's the only fighter that enters on Weird Al Yankovic. That's pretty awesome.

That makes me like that guy a lot. How can you not like that guy? I remember going to him. That guy's got the best personality. He's so talented, too, you know? And he's trying to lose some weight. He's trying to at least get in better shape yeah he's just you know he's super talented it's just he's not in the best physical condition god damn he's got a great personality though i have

i have a video of myself at like eight years old with my cousin who's eight and my other cousin's nine and we sing i'm fat as children. You have that? At a talent show and we're all skinny but I hog the mic and I'm the one that ended up fat like of the three of us. You gotta put that online, dude.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm fat! Like I get really into it. Yeah, you should definitely put some of that stuff somewhere. Yeah. No, that I wouldn't get rid of but I'm gonna.

You know what? You should put that on your next DVD. Yeah. Yeah, when you do a DVD have that be as one of the extras. Yeah, I should. Yeah, why not that I wouldn't get rid of. You know, you should put that on your next DVD. Yeah, when you do a DVD, have that be as one of the extras. Yeah, I should. Yeah, why not? That's hilarious. And I also have college sketches that we made.

Oh, God. We did a commercial, a fake commercial for a product called Anal Freeze. And it was for when you have diarrhea. And someone was like, I have diarrhea. I'm like, well, why don't you use Anal Freeze? It'll freeze all that crap up. That's anal freeze? It'll freeze all that crap up. That's the tag. It'll freeze all that crap up.

It's horrible. It comes in a bottle and you just shove the whole bottle up your ass. We have videos of that type of genius. Highbrow stuff. It's hilarious. That and a fake kung fu short where we layer Wu-Tang music and

we have like a kung fu. That's why no one can ever be cocky about where you are. Don't be disrespectful about other people's material. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They might suck right now, but guess at one point in time you suck too. A lot.

You sucked a lot. A lot. Everybody does. Yeah. You can't not suck. And the other. You start on anything. You're going to suck.

The best part though is at that time you don't think you suck. on anything you're gonna suck the best part though is at that time you don't think you suck no you think you're good there was a bunch of times where I was like open mic nights and I couldn't get on

I was like man I'm gonna get up there I'll fucking show these people what's up meanwhile I was terrible I should not have had any confidence whatsoever that I could go up there

and make people laugh I was awful I shouldn't have been allowed to talk ever I should have been practicing with only people who barely spoke english for years work my way to the mainstream but that's that's just how it is right absolutely i remember like remember like when you have when you finally have

like 10 or 15 minutes down that kills and you something happens one night where like you just don't know how to react to a room so So it doesn't kill. It actually bombs. And you go, this is the shit. Like, this is the best material of all time. This is the best thing I got in my toolbox. And you have nothing else to go to. That is, like, a paralyzing feeling. And you realize, because you'd killed with it so many times, you get a feeling of being kind of invincible.

And then when it doesn't kill, you're like, maybe, oh, shit. Like, maybe this isn't amazing. That's where you wish you had a real job. It's like, God, if I just had a job, I'd be like reporting back to the stockholders. Well, we have a discrepancy between the projected income and the actual income. We're going to give you some figures on this on Monday, but there's nothing we can't fix. Yeah. But when you're out there and it's all you, you're Tom Segura Incorporated and you're eating a dick.

I'm eating a huge dick. You wish you had some, you know, some, what would you like me to do, boss? You can't say that because what you're doing is you're the boss. You're the boss. You're the, at the end of the line is you, stupid. And if you ain't doing it, ah, shit. And you don't know how to dance. Like now if like something, like if it were to be like, man, this, that was really, that was what that joke bombed or something happened.

You have the tools after a while to adjust to that. The problem then is that like, you just don't even know how to it like. And you panic and they panic for you. Yes. They see the panic and then they're like, oh, we're all panicking. Like then you're in a fucking elevator fire. Like people are just like, how the fuck do we get out of here? Like then you're in a fucking elevator fire Like people are just like

How the fuck do we get out of here I was Recently I saw a friend of mine And he fucked up a joke And then after he fucked up a joke He started rushing the next joke Yeah

Because you could feel That he fucked up And that joke bombed And then I felt like the spin I felt the spin the slide And my toes started crunching up And my shoes I had to clench my hands together

He pulled himself out of it But I almost had to leave the slide, and my toes started crunching up in my shoes. I had to clench my hands together. He pulled himself out of it, but I almost had to leave the room. Really? Yeah, yeah. He got a couple good laughs, and then the ball started rolling again. I was like, okay, we're back. But the uncomfortable thing of watching someone slide down the road to bombed him, I don't want to be there for that. It's really painful.

I don't need to see that, dude. I know it sucks. That's why I write a lot. Yeah, and you can almost tell. What are you doing over there, Brian?. I know it sucks. That's why I write a lot. Yeah. And you can almost tell. What are you doing over there, Brian? You adjusting sounds? Adjusting a little thing.

Why don't you tell us when you're doing that? Otherwise, it freaks me the fuck out. Oh, man. Are my ears getting way better? Joe, you got to look at the Salvia video that Tom was talking about earlier. This is going to freak me the fuck out. This is the one that Tom, when Tom got here, one of the first things he said is, dude, you got to see this video of this couple smoking Salvia. And why is it so interesting that it has a million fucking hits on YouTube? When Tom got here, one of the first things he said was, dude, you've got to see this video of this couple smoking salvia.

And why is it so interesting that it has a million fucking hits on YouTube? Because of what happens in it. You know Ari Shafir when he did salvia? I heard he freaked out. He did freak out? Oh, yeah. You've got to check out that video. I saw little bits of it from his account.

That times that by a billion. And this is 126,000 people have seen this already. Just this one. It's uploaded like a million times on here yeah so they're recording themselves doing salvi which a lot of people do yeah what is the big deal about that how'd that all get going because you you leave your body like but it's only a couple minutes so you you're really interested to see what happens you know because you're out of it but you're awake type thing when everybody does it the same way you guys did it with Ari and what I would imagine is like

the worst environment possible yeah when you're filming these fucking things yeah it's like the worst environment possible

this dude takes some rips off this bong yeah yeah like he I mean I can't say what that does now for people

who don't know what the fuck salvia is for you squares out there salvia is a super powerful psychedelic drug, but is very legal for some weird reason. It was one that was missed in the whole sweeping psychedelic drug acts of the 1970s, whatever it was, 1970, when they made everything illegal. Somehow or another, they missed salvia.

So these people are taking something. And now they're laughing their balls off yeah it's a hundred times more powerful than marijuana you can buy it in head shops

legally it's like and so this is normal shit like people laughing having a good time then the Ari Shafir effect it just takes a turn

you almost see the moment there you go that's it. Okay, so now the guy's lying down and looks like he's having such a good time and now all of a

sudden he looks kind of freaked out. One thing to note is that the camera's off-tilted. Like, why is it not centered?

This is one of the best advertisements ever for don't do drugs. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why I think it might

be a fake. But it's really good acting. oh he's breaking windows brother same fake no way no way yeah and those are trees up there man yeah they're on the second no way yeah and then she kind of just comes to it it's like, oh, my God. And then part two, you saw part two, right? No. Yeah, part two, she's just totally. Would you just say part two?

This is fake. Well, somebody just cut the video. This is fake. Yeah? Yeah. That's don't do drug video, right? This looks fake to me. Okay.

I don't like the way he randomly stumbled into the window. You know what I don't like is that the camera is not centered. It's actually so you can see both windows. The couch is to the right of the camera. As a cameraman, if you're setting up your self-record, why wouldn't you zoom in on the couch? You're not going to sit it that far back and show that much window. Why is it showing

it's off-centered? I always thought it was fake, but I wanted to see what you guys thought. It seems fake. The way he moves seems fake. The way he moves seems fake. Yeah. The way he jumped up. The way he jumped up to me looked like he was putting on a show. Yeah?

I mean, that's the impression that I got. I might be wrong, but my impression was that he was putting on a show. I thought it was real. That didn't look like a guy who was really scared of... When you're really fucked up... Can you shut that off, Brian? Is it still on? Because you hear talking in the background.

When you're really fucked up on something and you can't walk, you don't know how to control your body. And that guy was, like, catching himself the right way. He was, like, saving himself the right way every time. To me, it looks like he was way more together than he was pretending to be. And he went right through that window. He didn't pull out of it at all. Like, he knows well enough to keep his balance while he's stumbling around. He knows to protect

his balance, but he doesn't know to not go through a window. I don't buy that. He also falls out of the top part of the window. You know where the divide is. And there's all this smashing. It doesn't look like a smashing window to me. He's just kind of leaning on it

and all of a sudden it's going through. What is that? That looks fake. The window looks fake. The fact that he would just go over it and right through it, he wouldn't stop himself. Come on, son. And if you noticed when all that was happening, there was off camera a – he must have hit a light or a lamp and did the light bulb blow up flash. So it was really dramatic because it was like, ooh, a light bulb flash. And that right there as looking at it to me,

thought, hey, that's purposely put there to make it more dramatic and realistic looking. Yeah, maybe, right? Maybe it wasn't even real. Maybe they added it to the film. I was really into it when I saw it. You really? Yeah.

I didn't buy it, man. My initial reaction, just being honest, was that I really thought it was... My first reaction was fake. Well, we might be right. I don't know. We might be wrong. There might be a whole news story about it.

Yeah, if there's not a news story, like immediately, because they want to have a story like that. Yeah. Guy falls, breaks both of his fucking legs. Yeah. Dumbass gets a fence post up his ass. What exactly happened to Ari when he did it?

Well, it wasn't too much of a freak out. He stayed put, though, pretty much. They kind of held him down. Yeah. But there was, they were watching him and they were doing it for a show.

They were doing it when they were filming the Naughty Show. And the worst part about that is that, you know, you're filming it and you're trying

to make light of it and you're making a comedy podcast and then you ask a guy to do psychedelics. And the worst thing you can do when you're doing psychedelics is be on a fucking comedy podcast with cameras and people fucking with you you know

the studio it was like everybody had was packed like three people on the couch there was people behind me and everything so it was like just worst place you could ever do a psychedelic and he started flailing and like i thought he was not too bad not LCD screen or break, hurt himself, and he stood up. It was genuine? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's completely real. Really?

Yeah. But he didn't do what this knucklehead did. Did he leave? Huh? He left? No, he freaked out, and then he cuddled Sam, and it was so cute because Ari's little face was next to Sam, and it looked like... Hey, man, that video's still going on. You see it?

Look, there's some... What the fuck? This is bullshit, dude. This video is totally bullshit. They left all this extra footage on the end of it to make it look even more real. Right. Clever. Clever boys.

These are some... What's it called? I don't think so. Blair Witch kind of style, right? Yeah. I'm just... You know, I just... I see all these fucking hungry kids out there trying to come up with something that gets people to look at their shit.

And I see creativity. And I see ingenuity. And I see a video like this. And I say, well, there it is. It manifested itself. Good try. Guy's very talented. It was very funny.

But I'm not buying it. Son. So, crazy salvia trip. School kid. What does it say? For real. With a bunch of O's. That's another reason why you know it's not real. Because they don't even say for real with the correct amount of O's.

Check this out. I don't know what's going on. I haven't been watching. I just looked over. But she just finally came to it, it looks like. And then she opens the front door. And then the guy immediately comes in right when she opens the door at the same time like it wasn't like she opened the door was like looking around like they both came to at the same time and met at the door

maybe this is like the opening scene for an amazing new film and this is viral marketing yeah the monkey movie i like it this is yeah this is one of the reasons why you're rude for the monkeys it's called people are cunts evidence 1 billion 22,226,000,000. These fucking idiots. Smoking salvia. Headers out windows. Our cunts. Marketing campaign. Just to try to really pump up the numbers for the Planet of the Apes.

Because you've got to realize we lose in this one. We lose this one. We lose this one big. The chimps take over. There's going to be some violent scenes in that movie. I can't wait. I hope so. I wonder if it's in 3D.

Is it even in 3D? It's got to be if it's in 3D Is it even in 3D? It's gotta be, everything's in 3D now I like that shit now I'm liking the 3D Yeah, me too There'll be a shot of somebody Like a monkey's going to grab a guy's ear And it's going to tear across his face

You think so? Yes, dude Really? Is it supposed to be this violent? I'm hoping You're putting it out there in the universe Yeah, maybe it's a kid's movie. Maybe it's a monkey love story. It's got to be at least PG-13.

I would imagine a big budget movie like this. Yeah. Probably PG-13. What do you think of Captain America? I actually think it looks decent. It looks badass. I fucking love superhero movies, dude. Fuck that Green Hornet shit, though.

Did you see it? That Ryan Reynolds is a bit too handsome for my taste. Green Hornet. I'm not into watching him wander around on TV knowing that he fucked the shit out of Scarlett Johansson

and was like, kind of done with you. Kind of done. Moving on to Greener Pastures, honey. You know what sucks is Six Flags just made a new

roller coaster and it's not even Ryan Reynolds' pussy ride. That's what it is. You jump in a condom and you go just fucking shooting through

all these pussies all throughout Hollywood and at the end you're just fucking exhausted covered in sperm it's kind of like that too it turns into a water ride

at the very end you get splashed yeah she's squirting right when she comes at the end the last girl comes and shoots you over the top

of a fucking mountain. That dude's got to sweat himself so hard. How could he not? Of course, yeah. He's got the craziest roll of the dice ever. Handsome, well-spoken. People like him. Funny.

He's a decent actor. Genuinely funny. Good looking as fuck. And nailing it, son! Swat! Swat! Swat! You motherfucker.

That Roman dude apparently just usurped Jennifer Lopez Have you ever heard this news? No This could not Maybe true Maybe not Maybe I heard it From somebody who read it

On the internet I haven't even bothered Looking it up But apparently Jennifer Lopez Got in some sort of A romantic soiree With some dude

Who she was dancing with Now all of a sudden Our fucking show Has become TMZ Because I need to find out If that's true. That Green Hornet roller coaster is not even open yet.

Can you imagine them like they spent all this money on this roller coaster and they're like, oh God, that movie was gay. Now I'm farming bad and then we have to.

From announcing a split to singing at a wedding. Six, is that a Six Flags ride it's going to be? Yeah, Six Flags. I don't even think

it's open yet. What's the other superhero one? What's the one that Seth Rogen did? The one that Seth Rogen did. Oh yeah no. The one that Seth Rogen did. Oh, yeah. The Black Hornet? Green Hornet.

Jennifer Lopez. Green Hornet. Still fucking keeps it together. Oh, Green Hornet, Green Lantern. This is why I knew that this marriage was never going to work. Why? What is it? She's too hot.

She's still hot. She's still hot as fuck. Jennifer Lopez? She's like 50 now, right? What is she? How old is she? No, no, no. She's 86 years old.

She's 97 years old. And she's hot as fuck. She's younger than me. I shouldn't be talking shit. She's only 41. But goddamn, she's still hot as fuck. And that dude that she's with, that Mark Anthony fella, he's got a mirror. He's a looker. He's got a mirror at home. He knows what the fuck is up. What he needs to do is belt out some goddamn number one hits. It's the only way he's going to keep her around. And let's be honest, he really hasn't done that lately. No. I haven't been hearing, nobody's been screaming and yelling about how great Mark Anthony's music is. And unless you are one of the baddest motherfuckers ever, you're Justin Bieber and Prince rolled up in one,

and you look like that, it's going to be hard to keep a girl like Jennifer Lopez. For sure. Those are some genetics, son. Those are some I-need-dick genetics. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that girl's body.

Where's that from? What's that? That body is a goddamn homing signal for a cock. I'm Puerto Rican. Do-do. It's all good to be Puerto Rican. It's like a magnet for a dick. Yeah.

That's what it is. Puerto Rican dicks, too. Shazam, son. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Yep. She couldn't keep it together. Yeah.

She hooked up with some other dude imagine how many how many guys fucking railed and smashed that when she was one of the fly girls after months of don johnson arguing they argued for months non-stop that makes me so sad yeah why argue you guys have all the money in the world they have a kid they have twins right yeah what do i give a fuck when people are listening to this podcast going what do you give a fuck listen i don't and i blame the weed and oprah i blame the weed because if it wasn't for the weed i would not be on a uh mark anthony and jennifer lopez split split google run right now yeah man you ever get in a google run yeah and you go what the fuck is wrong with me man yeah i'm thinking about getting one of these MacBook Airs.

Good. Good. Get one. Get one. So before we didn't finish this Machu Picchu thing, man. Oh. I'm looking at some photos of this shit now. Tell me, we kept getting off track.

You got there. You fly to Cusco. Fly to Cusco. From Lima. And then you stay there. Usually, most people stay there at least like a day or two to get acclimated to being up that high. Right. And then you take a train from Cusco to what is essentially the bottom of the mountain that Machu Picchu is on.

And you take a bus up the hill. A very unsafe bus ride, might I add. Is it like one of those things where there's a road and then this mountain to the right-hand side? Might I add? Is it like one of those things where there's a road and then this mountain to the right-hand side? Dude, you're on a road that's on the side of a mountain with no guardrails or anything on a bus. You're just going up, up, up, and you're just like, we're on a mountain. That kind of thing. That stuff freaks me out, dude.

You can look out of your bus window and just see down. Yeah, your bus driver falls asleep, freaks out. Yeah. Whatever. Had a long night. A dog runs across the road. He hasaks out. Yeah. Whatever. Had a long night. A dog runs across the road. He has to hit the brakes. Drinks. Just does anything. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

It's not like... How wide is the road? Not wide. Oh, Jesus. I did the Pacific Coast Highway once, the drive from California, from Southern California to Northern California, along the coast, it's fucking amazing, man. Amazing.

While you're driving there, you're just like, oh, my God, this is so incredible. But you can't even look at it because you're glued to that little skinny slice of rock hanging over the Pacific Ocean, by the way, in a place where the ground moves all the time. Yeah. And you're driving 35 miles an hour. You can't drive any faster because there's a fucking person in front of you. And by the way, when you're in a cooperative agreement with all those other fucksticks on that road, you know, you got to know that this guy coming this way isn't just freaking out and stomping on his gas and turning into traffic because his girlfriend left him.

You know, you got to hope that everyone you meet is keeping it together. Fuck that. Fuck that. It's terrifying. You could go a different route, right? You don't have to take that. you gotta hope that everyone you meet is keeping it together fuck that it's terrifying you don't have to take that the quicker route is actually not taking it but taking that route on the ocean is just the scenic view I did it once with an ex-girlfriend of mine

I got a ticket going up and a ticket going back it's a speed trap because they know you want to drive home nobody lives out there so it's all just people driving from San Francisco to LA along the coast so it's crazy speed traps.

How long does that take? It's a long time. I don't remember. It's like somewhere around six hours I think it was. Somewhere around that and that's if you're

following a reasonable pace. We actually I think went to Monterey. That's where we went and then we went to San Francisco later but it's not worth the drive. It's a fucking cunt of a drive

yeah yeah that takes way longer going up the coast but the Machu Picchu thing so you're on this road dude you're on this road there's no guard rail

and you're just like that where it's a skinny road on the side of a giant mountain you're in the driver's hands and so how long from the time that you land in the plane

how long before you actually get to the top of this bus well you land like I said you land in Cusco usually I stay there a day or two.

Then take a train. It's a couple-hour train ride, I want to say. Do you stay there on purpose to normalize? Yeah, yeah. Really? Most people do. Wow. Yeah, because also, since you already flew in to Cusco that day,

you probably usually don't feel like taking the train because the best time to go is in the morning to get the whole day. So you stay a couple days. You get on a train. You take the train ride. Then you get the bus up the best time to go is in the morning to get the whole day so you you stay a couple days you get on a train you take the train ride then you get the bus up the hill and then when you arrive at the you arrive at like a the top and you are just uh you know let's say 100 yards or something from where the actual Machu Picchu city is you're at you're at the receiving area and you walk over and it's it just blows your mind, man. There's nothing, I mean, there's no way to describe it. There's a city, an ancient city, way up thousands of feet, 7,000 feet up in the mountains, and it's elaborate, it's precise,

there's reasons for the placement of things, the sun hits certain parts of it certain ways, and you're just like, we're way up. You're looking down from the top of a mountain in a city, and it was inhabited and fully functioning. It's just, like I said, the size of the place, the magnitude of it all, it blows your mind. There's nothing like it, man. How long were you up there for? I would spend hours. You arrive in the morning. Let's say you up there for? I would spend, you know, hours.

Like, you arrive in the morning. Let's say you're there by like... You get a guide or someone who takes you? Yeah, and they have so much just information that blows your mind. How old do they say it is? I'm trying to remember. I haven't been there in a while now. But I want to say that they said...

Well, because it's documented when the Spanish went there and killed like thousands of them with like a hundred guys you know because uh they came with disease and weapon they just wiped them out i was in hawaii last week and uh we were reading about uh when when white people first came to hawaii it killed off one-fifth of the hawaiian population damn because that's a lot of people one-fifth yeah the Hawaiian population. Damn. Because of measles. That's a lot of people. One-fifth. Yeah.

Can you imagine how much you would fucking hate white people if they showed up and your daughter died from measles? Yeah. Because these creeps brought over some creepy fucking disease. Yeah. I mean, that's well documented. We could look that up. I want to say it was like thousands to one that they killed them and that was in the

15 I want to say 1530s or 1560s something like that just make some shit up bro no one's gonna look it up no one's gonna google it

yes they I'm not I'm not an expert so when when you go up there so they give you some sort of an estimation

of when it was created do they tell you who the people were or why they built it they give you they sort of an estimation of when it was created. Do they tell you who the people were or why they built it or where they went? They give you, it's all theories. It's never been discovered, and they tell you that they're theories because there's no record to prove that this was, in fact, the way they did it. So was it one thing sort of when they just sort of found it? Yeah, yeah.

It was discovered in the early 1900s by, like, an explorer, an American explorer, I think. American or British. And it was overgrown, like weeds and grass and everything had grown. And then, yeah, can you imagine you're on a hike and then they take you to see this and you're like, what the fuck, man? All of a sudden you just find some lost city. Lost city, man. From thousands of years ago.

A real lost city. Lost city, man. From thousands of years ago. A real lost city. I wish I could remember what the Chariots of the Gods slash Graham Hancock crew thinks about this place because I think there's some, there is some sort of speculation that it was at the side of water

at one point in time. Really? Yeah. You know, the topography of the earth was so radically different when this thing was created that it's so many thousands

of years old that there was actually water up there. What guy wants to do is john anthony west guy he wants to push back the idea of civilization like more like more than 10 000 bc he wants to go like way back even like 30 000 bc and he thinks that there's there's sort of uh hieroglyphs that represent that but for whatever reasons egyptian scholars have refused to look at those hieroglyphs that represent that, but for whatever reasons, Egyptian scholars have refused to look at those hieroglyphs and they believe that it's all fiction after a certain point, that it's just fiction and fable, and he's saying, well, why would you

think that? Because there's all this other evidence that we know is real that's also in the hieroglyphs. Why would we assume that at one point in time they were just liars? So it's kind of, did you fuck this new one up again? It's still broken. We got a new one, though.

I know, it never really. The new one doesn't work either? God damn it, son. Anyway, those guys are right. And it was like 30,000 years ago, or whatever the hell it was, where there was a civilization up here, and there was an ocean up there, or a river, or whatever the hell it was. It's not near ocean, right? No. I mean, you know, no.

So they think it would have to be some giant lake or something out there but they have one of their theories is that they used water to lay those rocks and to make them to shape them like through some extremely you know i don't know intricate formula that water because you know like water hits rocks and shapes them over time right beats them down to sand they have a a theory that water was used to make rocks fit into each other. But there's some elaborate system that you hear about it and you go like, yeah, I don't fucking know, man. The sheer size of them is what's really mind-boggling.

It really is, man. They're eight, nine feet tall, and they're curved, and they fit into other curved rocks. And thousands of pounds. Yeah, thousands of tons. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, other curved rocks. And thousands of pounds. Yeah. Thousands. Thousands of tons. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know about thousands of tons. What's the biggest one? We should know this. We should know this. While we're talking shit. But there are enormous stones up there, whatever the fuck it is. I highly recommend a trip there.

Man, you're making me want to go. I really do. So when you land in the morning at this one place, before you get in the bus and all the jazz, when you land in the morning, do they give you a survival pack or anything? No. Here's water. You're at high altitude. Well, when you land in Cusco, yeah.

If you've never been there, hotels will give you tea. They'll tell you to hydrate. Yeah, everybody. I mean, Peru is considered a third world, but, like, it's actually really developed now. Yeah. Yeah, and this is such an international destination that, like, everything is, like, modern, you know, as far as getting you there. And, I mean, the last time I went was 10 years ago, and, you know, it was still pretty much, but there's a hotel at the location if you want to stay overnight. There's a hotel right there. So, like, not, like, you know, not within the city of Machu Pic much, but there's a hotel at the location. If you want to stay overnight, there's a hotel right there.

So not within the city of Machu Picchu, but right kind of not far from it. So you can stay in the hotel. It's very modern. You can see the fucking ghosts in the middle of the night. Dude, it's sword fights from thousands of years ago. It really affects you. It affects you. Really?

Yeah. You stand there, you take it in, you're looking at the sky and the mountains and you're like, how is this possible? It blows your mind in terms of most things that you look at, there's so many explanations and answers

for and this is something where you really don't have one. You can't have somebody tell you this is exactly what this was. But why do you say you can't? Just because it's just too nutty, too big? And because there's no proof that it was used for this and it was built this way. They're all theories. There's theories on why this was done.

And so that then opens your mind up to like really what are possibilities i think you know like what are possibilities in the world like you know what are the possibilities that you got from from being there looking at that just that that um it was underwater and mermaids built it i just got that it was something that uh you know that's greater than what my mind can conceive of. It makes you feel really small in a lot of terms, just by the scope of it. If this was done by some intricate levee and pooling system with water, man, how little do I know? How little have I taken in that people that were in an ancient civilization

built a city? Like am I of the lowest IQ level possible? Because this is, you know, you could explain it to me 20 times and I'd be like, what? Like I don't understand what you're saying right now. Like really, like you know, you go, that's... And then also you think about, I think you think about, like, spiritual things.

Like, you definitely feel something like, you know, you think about God and possibilities of gods and stuff. I mean, these people all worshipped, I believe, the sun and other gods, you know, Incas did. So, you know, they were just doing this for what they believed was God, worshiping him. Are they sacrificed? I think it was sacrificed. They would kill their own, offer them up. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

It's pretty amazing, man. I wonder what made them build those things. What I would think as far as it being very spiritual to be there and the terms of what I i mean by spiritual is that if a spirit was real and if there is some sort of an energy that's inside of a life form that energy like leaves and stays in that space once the person's gone when you go to a place like a machu picchu when you think about all the thousands of years of history and all the people that have died yeah all the people that died in that area and what what you know how long ago it was like if there was ever ever any feeling you could get

of like the spirit of a place it would have to be some sort of an really really ancient place you know a place along those lines like standing like where troy is walking around the coliseum you know touching the parthenon like shit like that like can you go to like really really ancient places like that that's i mean i know it's a different term when you say like spiritual but it's gotta like there's gotta be like a certain energy to those places yeah if you really believe in that if you really believe that human energy stays in the area when the when the person is is is killed which people believe when they believe that houses are haunted you know i know a lot of people that you tell them hey you want to buy john bonnet ramsay's house they'll go get the fuck out of here they'll do it's the best house ever it's beautiful it's only like half

what it would be worth if it wasn't john bonnet ramsay so still still be like fuck that yeah i'm not living in that house why because they think that there might be some energy in that house. There's something left over. Yeah. They, and I think that's almost even a better way of like describing what, what it is. You get like,

you feel something when you're in that presence, like that type of greatness, which is that, I think you feel like a boost. You know what I mean? Like you feel like some feeling that you're, when you're there, you can't,

you, you cannot, unless you're a total sociopath, walk into machu picchu and just be like yeah yeah cool all right what do you guys want to do you ever grab lunch like it's it's too amazing too captivating like inspiring to just be like yeah seen it it's it's amazing yeah i would love to go to uh a place where I knew there was like Roman battles. Just walk along the ground. Yeah. Like where the Coliseum is.

They let you on the ground there? In the Coliseum. Yeah. They let you actually walk on the dirt in the middle? Yeah. They let you walk on that spot? You don't get to walk all throughout it. They have areas that you can walk through.

Yeah, it's like a path through the whole thing if I remember. Dude, eat a pot brownie and stay in the middle of the Coliseum and think of how crazy that shit is. Could you imagine if you were blitzkrieg'd on one of those Joey Diaz banana bread specials that he gets from that Russian place, and you went to the fucking Roman Coliseum and you stood there in the middle of that?

That'd be awesome. Dude, can I read you this? Sure. I looked up this thing. Okay. In 1531, the Spanish expedition led by Francisco Pizarro, the guy that discovered Peru for Spain, let's say, right? Right.

The Spanish guy that came over. He had 180 men and 37 horses, were on a quest to conquer the Incan Empire. The Spaniards advanced to the south. After receiving reinforcements, they marched with a force of 106 foot soldiers and 62 horsemen. And they went on to beat Atahualpa, the Incan guy, and I believe his 80,000-man army.

Whoa. Yeah. Because they had guns? And disease. Like, their disease killed a huge, huge... Holy shit. So a couple hundred bad motherfuckers from Spain just dominated that whole place. Yep.

And he captured the top dog, the Spanish did. They captured Atahualpa, and he offered to fill a large room. They tell you this when you're there, but 22 feet long, 17 feet wide, and a height of 8 feet with gold and twice with silver within two months. So to fill up rooms, which is gold and silver. And the Spanish agreed to the terms, got the gold and silver, and then killed him. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Gangster style, right? God damn. And can you imagine if you were forced to live like back then can you imagine if you were on the fucking shores of peru or the ground in peru and you saw the spaniards rolling over the hill and horses and shit shooting at you yeah they just decided they were just gonna take over motherfucker could you imagine how much that would suck? Yeah. They sentenced him. They did a formal, like, you're on trial.

You're guilty. We're going to kill you now. Wow. And they sentenced him to die by burning. Ooh. And then they, in accordance with his request, because he agreed to be baptized, then they strangled him instead. Oh, my God. Wow. He agreed to be baptized, and then they strangled him instead. Oh, my God. Wow.

He agreed to be baptized, and then they strangled him instead of burning him alive. Yeah. That was the compromise. Holy shit. God damn. They got one more compromise out of him before they killed him. Crazy, right? They made him get baptized.

Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Dude, people back then rocked it in an entirely different way. You know? Back then, you really could be like a Michelle Bachman and control the world. Yeah. You know, there was no internet videos from 1999

where you're talking about the apocalypse and doom. Absolutely, man. Could you imagine if you could get inside the head of any sort of a dictator from that time period? Any sort of a king or, you know, just get it. See how they were running shit back in like 1492 when Columbus took off. They were, you know, they were, people forget, Spain, that was gangster country. Fuck yeah.

We have, there are how many people, like, there's got to be, like, close to 700 million or 800 million people that speak a language from, like, 3,000 miles away. Because they fucking ran shit, man. Yeah. They swung their dicks around. Hey, there's 100 of us. We're going to kill you 80,000. Yeah, how gangster is that? This is our shit now.

Yeah, and it's like, if they were a hundred dudes without a country, they would just be pirates. No one would take them seriously. They'd be a band of pirates and ruffians. But instead, history actually looks upon it as, you know, almost like a qualified act. Like, well, you know,

they were, Spain attacked this. You know, instead of, you know, Blackbeard and his gang of thugs tried to take over north carolina yeah you know instead of that it's it's not a whole country so it's qualified as thuggish when it's super thuggish it's totally thuggish yeah it's the most gangster shit ever a hundred dudes take over the fucking whole country unbelievable man that's insane man man. That's hard to believe. Did they have rapid fire guns back then

or was it a musket? No, no, no. They did it with muskets. Yeah, knives. Jesus Christ. He took over with muskets. Can you imagine how stressful that would be?

Like somebody's like running right towards you and you're just trying to fucking fill your musket. But wasn't this also the case though that when the Spaniards came there was a lot of confusion

and they thought the Spaniards were gods and so they let them in before the Spaniards came, there was a lot of confusion. They thought the Spaniards were gods, and so they let them in before the Spaniards took over and started killing people. That's Cortez, right? That might be Cortez. Is that Cortez? My fucking Mayan history is completely limited.

My Aztec history, all I know is the cool shit. Like, yeah, Kukla Khan was the snake with the fucking feathers, bro. Like, I know shit like that. Right. Quetzalcoatl. I know a lot of them hadn't seen horses so they thought they were like i saw yeah they were like what the fuck well that's why didn't they think that the spaniards and horses were initially gods yeah i think they thought they were one being too yeah because they came off and they're like that thing's got four legs yeah i think there was there was a lot of uh

a lot of confusion in the beginning and they actually gave them a lot of money and let them deep in. And then they eventually realized, but if it was too late, that they weren't gods. They were just men that rode around on fucking horses. Unbelievable, man. That's how bad people had it back then. Yeah. It's amazing that that's not that long ago.

And they would do shit like tell them, like, your whole worship shit is bullshit. Yeah. It's Catholic, like you're Catholic or you you're dead yeah all right whatever like the thing they'd done for like all the only thing they knew which was probably you know the sun or like stars yeah these guys were like that's not what it's at that's so hawaii too man yeah notice i said that with the correct terminology yeah or what's the word enunciation hawaii um they. They had mercenaries or missionaries. Same thing.

Missionaries, they're mercenaries for God. That's all it is. Mercenaries came to Hawaii in the 1800s and converted them to Christianity. And like in the 1800s, they had their first Christian king, you know? Yeah. And they're like... Yeah. Hawaii is a crazy situation, man.

Did you swim with dolphins when you were there last? No, there was no dolphins. I didn't see any dolphins. But I did a few times ago. Not this time, but the last time in Lanai. It's another one of the islands. And there you can swim with the dolphins. But the most, the trippiest experience that I ever had was in a boat with the dolphins.

Because dolphins will follow the boats and play with you and jump around next to you. It's amazing that that's five hours away by plane, yet it's America. If we can't wrap our head around how big that is, that's literally if you took off from Burbank and the whole country was the

ocean. The whole country. Every state along the way. Fucking Ohio. It's all ocean and then you land in new jersey and that's the shore that's how fucking far away hawaii is over the ocean and yet it's still considered america yeah that really is you forget that that's colonization right that's what that is that's gangster shit is what that is right like, like that's what it would be. Old school gangster shit. Hawaii was taken over in the 1890s by businessmen. Yeah. At least that's what it said when I was reading that thing.

There just were some fucking people trying to keep on keeping on out there in the middle of the ocean, living on a volcano, you know? Yeah. Spain still has the Canary Islands. That's off the west coast to Africa. They're like, that's our shit. We're lucky that Hawaii is five hours away in a plane because that is the best spot ever.

If that was like, you could drive there, people would ruin that in a week. If you could drive to Hawaii, if they made a bridge to Hawaii, it would be backed up with cars every day forever. And Hawaii would be covered in dirt and fucking plastic bags and cigarette butts. It would be jacked within no time. Yeah, it's so beautiful.

Yeah, it's the fact that you have to fly over there so you can't bring too much shit with you. You can't keep your shit there unless you live there. And if you live there, they give you shit if you're a fucking litter bug, you cunt. Like, you walk along the beach, the beaches are clean, man. They're actually fucking clean.

You see very little trash on the beach and if that was the same beach on the east coast it would just be everywhere you looked it'd be a can or a bottle or a fucking tampon or a syringe like everywhere you go there's trash like no matter they can't clean it up enough and then it's in the water as well because you know the water's coming from all the way the fuck up to Maine, and everything along down the way, down the East Coast, is all just fucking cities and shit, and people emptying their fucking toilet into the water. So by the time it gets to where you are, it's disgusting.

Half of them are disgusting in comparison. Hawaii's just pristine, man. Beautiful. Couldn't deal with living there, though. No? Yeah, I was thinking there. I went to a luau. It's pretty badass. Can I grab more of this? Interesting. Sure, interesting sure is a luau like a party right yeah it's like a party

they cook a pig under the ground the pig was delicious and uh the dude who was one of the hawaiian dancer dudes was a uh mma fan who hooked me up and he gave me a piece of the cheek that's supposed to be the best part of the pig the butt cheek or the face cheek the face cheek not the butt cheek dude how dare you but you do eat the skin they give you crispy skin they cook the skin it's really good dude it's good really yeah that's slow slow cooked pigs slow cooked pig is pretty spectacular it's uh it's amazing stuff um um but their music is whack you have to sit through their music you know I was thinking was, it's a beautiful culture. They're amazing people. Especially, let's be honest,

especially when you're going to a resort and you're spending money where they have to be nice to you. You know what I'm saying? But even outside of that, like in Maui, people are very nice. They're just friendly. Whenever I hear people say things like, oh, Hawaiians don't like white people. they don't like people, well, why not?

Is it because so many white people are cunts? Yeah. Is that possibly what it is? My experience there is that they've always been super nice. They're just really genuinely nice people. But so many people are douchebags. And you're a douchebag, you come in from another country, basically, to them. Sure.

And you're littering and you're acting like an asshole. And of course they're going to want to kick your ass of course you know so there's a certain amount of douchebags i'm sure that live in hawaii but for the most part it's it's really nice but that music bro that luau music there was a song that they sang yeah about a woman selling papayas and uh red and green bananas and that was the whole fucking song yeah she's selling her papayas and red and green bananas. And that was the whole fucking song. Yeah. She's selling her papayas and her red and green bananas.

And that's the song. And I'm going fucking crazy. I'm going crazy. Because I just got there from the gym, too. I worked out. They have a nice gym there at the hotel. So I got in a full fucking four days of power training there, yeah i worked out hard there so i felt good which kept me together but the whole time i was uh in the gym i was listening to some old school leonard skinner i got like really into leonard skinner this week yeah they

got some fucking jams dude tearing shit up oh god it was just i just got into the whole idea of these dirty white guys from florida you know, drinking and singing. And it's just a, it's a fucking good vibe. Some of their songs are fucking great, man. Free Bird's kind of a long song. And there's parts that are not that fun. But when they go, when they start, Lord, I can't change. So won't you fly?

Free Bird, yeah. Dude, when you're lifting and that fucking shit comes on, you're like. So won't you fly Freebird Yeah Bam bam bam bam bam Dude when you're lifting And that fucking shit comes on You're like Rawr You just wanna fucking

Fire up some extra sense Woo So I heard that I just heard Freebird I just heard You know The Ballad of Curtis Lowe I just heard

You know I just heard All the cool shit They call me the breeze. It's like beer drinking guys that like fucking rock and roll. And I'm sitting here. I pop a breast strip, of course. I want a full Hawaii experience.

I'm sitting here at this luau, baked to the gills, trying to keep an eye on the kids, drinking pina coladas, listening to some whack-ass music. And while I'm sitting there, I'm having a great-ass time in Hawaii. The weather's beautiful. It's paradise. I'm thinking, God damn, how awesome would it be if they just said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Leonard Skidder. And the Hawaiian guys step aside, and somehow or another, Ronnie Van Zandt is still alive,

and they fucking start jamming Leonard Skidder out there on the beach. I would pay $100,000 for that shit. You know what I'm saying? I mean, fucking then it would be an amazing vacation. Yeah. You're making me listen to Cups of sea salt and papayas and her red and green banana.

Other cultures have... I don't know why some music is so, so bad. This shit's brutal. A lot of like... You go to like, like you know you look at research like eastern european countries and their fucking music their traditional music is like what the fuck yeah it totally is borat shit and that's why borat's so good and they all are really like that like and it's some guy with some creepy fucking mustache who's like and you none of it

really sounds like it has a melody or a rhythm. And, and they're going crazy. Like that's the best song ever. That's the song that the goat doesn't drink out of the fountain. Cause that's where you live. And you're like, what the,

what is, what's up with Mexican music? Same kind of thing, right? Like every single song sounds like an ice cream truck going down the street. I mean, it's like, there's a,

there's a type of, uh, the, the mariachi music, you know, the good mariachi music with good trumpets like when you hear like oscar de la joya stepping into the into the ring when he's walking down the aisle stepping into the ring he brings with him a badass mariachi band yeah you know these motherfuckers are on top of shit Yeah When they're When they're doing that shit man These guys are badass

To watch Like they're They're experts Sure They're doing the real shit You know Yeah There's some bullshit down there

Because There's some whack ass mariachis There's some whack ass stand up What a big culture is In Mexico Are That cowboys are right Like you know

Cowboys And we have country music A lot of that shit you're hearing That you know, cowboys, and we have country music. A lot of that shit you're hearing, that you're like, what is that? That's their country music. That's why you're like,

this fucking shit's terrible, man. But they do have regular music, right? They do, yeah. They have pop music. That's the only music I've ever heard. When we were in San Diego, I was listening to a rap station

that was in Mexico. And there was also one station that we went on where we were allowed to swear because their station, their tower, was actually located in Mexico. And there was also one station that we went on where we were allowed to swear because their station, their tower was actually located in Mexico. And even though we were in San Diego, they were a Mexican station.

And so we were allowed to swear on the air. I was like, that is fucking crazy. He goes, don't do it too much, but you can swear a little. Really? Yeah. That is cool. It was weird. It's cool, but look at this fucking thing we're doing right now we don't have to worry about any of that bullshit anymore so this is what we want to say fucking radio seems so obsolete now and i do radio and i love doing it don't get me wrong

i mean it's it's always nice and kevin and bean are my favorite as far as people that are like still on radio they're like my favorite show to come in because it's in la and i could do it all the time but god i always have to watch what I'm saying. I always have to wonder if I could say this or say that. Like, you know, you got to be careful. Yeah. I've had some really bad radio experiences lately. Really?

Just like shit where you're like, man, can you fucking, can you do a little bit like to add to this? Like what do you mean? Like they'll go, I've had one where like I get there and they're like, just the green room's over there. We'll come get you. And you're you're like all right you just sit down in the green room and then the guy comes in he's like hey so uh how you doing um you'll be on the next segment like we don't really do interviews or anything it's like just you know be funny and i'll be like what and they're like it's all on you man just be funny i'm like just be funny like we're just gonna we're what

do you mean you want to start doing jokes? They're like, just, you know, your chance to do whatever you want to do. I'm like, well, can we just, like, talk? Do you want us to ask you something specifically? I'm like, we can't, like, have, like, a regular, like, you don't want to, like, just make it an organic. Conversation. Yeah, can we just do that? We don't really do that here.

Yeah. You know, they tried to get me to not do that on the Bob and Tom show. Some guy came bob and tom were cool as fuck they're cool guys they were very cool guys yeah once i actually got in to meet them but before i got to meet them there was some dude that was like give me the stink guy and he goes well what specifically do you want them to talk to you about and i go i go do anything i go i'm low maintenance just let's just talk let's have a good time well they would they need things to lead you into i go go, dude, I can't do that.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to talk about this or I'm going to talk about that. That's going to sound gross. Let's just sit down. We're going to have some fun. Don't worry about it. And he gave me this stink eye like I was unprofessional. Do you know that this is the Bob and Tom show? The Bob and Tom show is a fucking huge show.

Yeah, it's huge. It's syndicated all across the country. They probably have millions of listeners. They got a lot of fucking listeners. They help a lot of comedians. Totally. I've been on that show a number of times, and they're always awesome to me. They're great guys.

This dude was giving me a stink eye. But in his defense, it's probably what he's supposed to do. That's his fucking job, and I'm ruining it. I'm some hotshot just going to come in here and sling dick. I had another one who I did call in, and the guy's like, all right, so you're going to be on in a minute. Just like, you know, you got a couple jokes ready to go. And I was like, I guess. Yeah, man.

And then he's like, all right. So then he puts me on. The guy's like, hey, you're going to be at the club. It's awesome. Everybody go see him. All right, man. Now, before you do your thing, we're going to have you do your thing right here. And I'm like, nah.

Like, I'm just going to start going to the act god that's so gross yeah we just talked for a minute he's like what you should do is just go right into ralphie may's act well just go right into ralphie may's i can tell him that you did it too say ralphie man i just i just went right into your act i just started on you just don't even do yourself make it an inside joke yeah i should do somebody else Do somebody else's material. I'll turn it into Tom. Do, yeah, do on purpose. Like,

tell, like, have an agreement with someone. Listen, if I'm ever in a bad situation and they want me to do my own material, I'm going to do it very badly, but I'm going to do your stuff.

Do it. Yeah, okay. And you make a deal. Yeah, yeah. Because otherwise, it's like,

what, that's supposed to be, go ahead, tell us what you, what do you think is funny these days, man? Yeah, dude,

and you're like, oh, that's just. I had a conversation with, I'm an out I don't give a fuck Cheech from Cheech and Chong Yeah

At a party once And he's like What are you talking about on stage I go oh you know Whatever Whatever I think is interesting You know Whatever is going on in my life

You know what I mean So what are you talking about now Like tell me some of your material I go what What This is what I said to him What What did you say

Come on man Fuck out of here I'm not telling you my material yeah this is what I that's gross yeah it is gross you know

if you ever want to come to a show and well the thing is too what are you talking about he kept going too so what are you come on tell me what you're talking about this is really what it comes down to too

like it's like all you have to do if you have a comic if you're a radio station or whatever a DJ is just have the minimum amount, like,

feign interest in who's in front of you, like, just a little bit, and you can get a conversation going that's going to be interesting and funny. And, like, usually if it's somebody famous, like, if you, they go, it's already in their head, so they'll be like, I love news radio, or so they'll ask you, like, what about this,

and they can get something going. But if they don't know who you are, they don't recognize you, they sometimes, not all of them, but some of them will literally just be like, so what's up? And you're on the air and you're like, I flew in. What? I'm tired. And they're like, do you want to get into your shit?

And you're like, just really? I'm just going to fucking dance around right now? Maybe it's people that just don't understand stand up. I guess man. It just it always makes it like

this is like and then you leave they're like that was fucking that wasn't a promotion for the show that was just awkwardness.

Yeah that was really awkward and painful and I don't want anything to do with that again. I don't think a lot of those guys that are doing radio want to be doing it

that way either. There's a lot of them that are stuck with a real format they have to follow yeah yeah you know that's a bitch dude when you're hanging around people and there's shit they can't talk about anymore yeah breaks they have to hit and you know yeah but that just sounds like people just suck at radio they they do yeah some of them do you know some of them just don't like they i think if you just look up one thing on somebody you can be like what's up with this dude well i think a lot of people um are not that interesting yeah that's the reality of it they shouldn't really be djs but they've worked hard at it and they've pushed themselves into a

situation where they're you know on tv all that or on the radio rather all the time they actually have a little bit of a following and they get a little bit of an ego behind it and they think they're special yeah i'd like to buy a book of just like a thousand people doing their stink eye like different versions of their stink eye because everyone does it a little bit different it would have to be a legit stink eye though i know what's your stink let me see your stink i don't know you have to say something stupid again i'll give it to you then bitch how about that ready i shaved my balls the other day and i have a mole and i forgot about it and i cut it off. Is that okay?

Yeah, you should probably. You'd be okay. Okay. Moles can be cut off, right? Well, your balls are probably like a fucking water balloon, and that's going to be a hole where all your loads are going to leak out of. Next time you come, it's going to be like dust. It's one of those big, weird ones that people have under their eyes sometimes. Listen, son, put a Band-Aid on that bitch and don't worry about it if it starts to swell up and hurt go to a doctor you have to clean it off it was just i just have the one it was like one of those ones that stick out a little

like that's called a wart no no no no no it's a mole it's a lot of people i've had it since i was a little baby yeah you might want to get it free look one in five it's not really whatever round whatever dog that's how it is get that shit gone now is. Most of it is gone or the whole thing? I think I cut the whole thing off. Damn, man. Did it hurt? That's a commitment. It hurt like crazy.

That seems kind of stupid. Did you like halfway cut it off and figure, well, now that I'm here, why don't I just pick at it until it looks like symmetrical? It was a Gillette sensor. Oh, so it sliced it right off? It sliced it right off. Wow. Did you get Gillette sensors from, did Callan hook you up?

Yeah, he gave me a whole trunk full. Did he really? No. Callan's doing a Gillette sensors from, did Callan hook you up? Yeah, he gave me a whole trunk full. Did he really? No. Callan's doing a Gillette sensor. I know. It's all over fucking TV. That and Lil' Esther and the Bing commercial. How are Callan's Gillette sensor commercials?

It's just commercial. He's like the spokesman. He's like the fake host. Oh, really? Yeah. He's such a talented guy. I'm always confused as to why that guy's not huge. Yeah.

As long as I've known him, I'm like, there's going to be one day where someone's going to figure out that Brian Cowan's one of the funniest people on the planet. Yeah. Boom. Explode. He's going to be on huge movies. Yeah.

Well, he is in some of these movies. He is. Little parts. Right, little parts. But yeah. That guy's so fucking funny. He's one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Yeah.

He's really fucking funny, man. He does... He's thinking about doing a podcast. He's on the cusp right now. Isn't he, Brian? Did you talk to him about it? No, I've never talked to him about it. He's eventually going to do it. I know he is. He's perfect for it. Great on that. Dude's got a mountain of information.

Not all of it correct, but that's alright. Who does? He's fascinating. He'll own up to it, though. He's like, oh yeah, I fucked up about that one. I'll call him on the phone the next day. Yo, I got a lot of Twitters about it though he's like oh yeah I fucked up about that one like you know I'll call him on the phone the next day yo I got a lot of Twitters about some shit you said

yeah I fucked up a few of those oh but full disclosure I might have fucked up tons of information with the Machu Picchu shit sure so don't email me don't tell me how wrong I was

you've been up there you've been up there twice three times have you ever been to any of the Mayan sites like Chichen Itza no never

I've only been to Chichen Itza, but that was enough. That was enough to freak me the fuck out. It did, right? What did you think when you first saw that? Well, I've been a huge fan of the Mayan culture and how bizarre they were and how their writing was in this weird sort of hieroglyphs, these images it represented. So I'd really gotten into it.

I read a lot of books about it before I ever went down there. And then once I went down there, I was like, this is so incredible. You know, it's just hard to believe that these people from, you know, X amount of thousands of years ago created this and then still here. But the thing that really sealed it for me was I got a guy who is a local professor who was one of the guides and you paid him you know i paid him like whatever it was i gave him like double what he was supposed to make because he was super cool and he takes me on this tour a personal one-on-one tour and we go uh to all these different spots and he explains what they created this for and what what is designed for and he took me to this one

spot he's like this is the place where they would do the lysergic acid that they would take from all these plants. And this was like where they would have psychedelic rituals. And they probably ate mushrooms. And he's telling me about all these different things they did. And that's when the whole Mayan thing had pieced together for me because I had just started doing mushrooms. I just had like a couple of trips before I'd ever went there. So then when I went there and I saw that these people were fucking trippers,

I'm like, oh, well, that explains so much. I was wondering, why would anybody build these crazy geometric patterns that mirror the cosmos and these incredible elaborate stone structures? Like, what was going on? Oh, they were tripping their balls off. Do they tell you that, too? Like, he explains? He did. The professor did.

Yeah, he went into depth about it because I told him that's something I was really interested in. And I said, I'm always fascinated by the different ways that ancient cultures altered their state of consciousness, whether it was alcohol or the peyote for the Indians or whatever. And so he also had a lot of knowledge about that particular area. So he talked to me in depth about what they believe happened and this is what they were used for rituals. And certain symbols indicate that they use certain different psychedelic plants and mushrooms fucking of course that's what happened i mean it's you know they trip balls yeah they had some crazy ideas and then it got a little out of hand yeah a little out of hand they always get out of

hand man especially those south american fucking cultures It's too hot down there, dude. Yeah. People get wacky, you know? Start slicing people open. Yeah, you fucking don't drink enough water and next thing you know you're making a human sacrifice.

Yeah, that shit's crazy, right? Human sacrifice. They did a lot of it. Like, ritually, yeah. You know, there's speculation about that game that they played. You know, that football game. Which they believed

at one point in time they played with human heads. They don't necessarily believe that anymore. They at one point in time they played with human heads. They don't necessarily believe that anymore. They believe they may have played some games with human heads, but they believe that the winners of the game were the ones who got sacrificed. Really?

Yeah. They don't know. I mean, there's some speculation. Everyone tried to lose as much as possible. So this was at least, I mean, there's an amazing National Geographic special on decoding Maya. I think it's actually called that, Decoding Maya, about how hard it's been to decode their language and try to figure out what the fuck these guys were talking about.

It's so complex. But just that alone, all their structures they left behind the the you know the amazing sophistication of their culture and yet they're still killing people and sacrificing people and maybe killing the winners yeah you know like what what what were you doing you're the best man what were they doing but in a way that makes sense right yeah if they were just fucking tripping balls hardcore all the time that's what i think it was it almost like that is what would happen yeah what would happen to a society if you were just fucking tripping your balls out all the time well you would make these incredible pyramids and you keep making them doper and doper like chichen itza and chichen itza is amazing man it's just

incredible one structure after another and mind blowing shit. And then you would start playing football with human heads and, you know, fucking, you would just go deep and you would want to kill people because you would know that they would go to the next place and the next place would be amazing because you've already been there because you're tripping balls. So like you're tripping balls while you're cutting someone's beating heart out. You're watching them as you're tripping your balls off. You're watching them transfer into the next dimension. Yeah.

Come on. Yeah. Too much mushrooms. That keeps you awake at night. That's ridiculous. But look, man, if you look at all these different things that are here, the Chichen Itzas, the Gobekli Tepe in Turkey, all these different things that are here

that show that there's been all these different ancient, ancient civilizations that existed for so long. I wonder how many of them were inspired by drugs. I wonder how many of them were inspired by some dude who picked something up, ate it and had this fucking crazy, freaky idea. Here's what we got to do. Yeah. We're building a city up here in the mountains. We probably lost contact with all that shit and things are nice and easy now.

So we don't need psychedelic drugs to try to figure out the world anymore at least we don't think we do that's probably what the fuck's going on that's probably why this world's falling apart if we could write it somehow that would be the way just a massive mushroom day do you know how much a mushroom day would do for this world. A national mushroom day would change America forever. Forever. We just had one day. If we had a national mushroom day where they opened up places where people could buy mushrooms and they had medical staff waiting 24 hours a day for people who were freaking out and

you signed up and you went into these fucking bunk rooms and everyone took it together and everyone was cool. They had security around, a lot of people that weren't high. That's the whole thing you want to know, right? It's like you want to be told everything's going to be all right. That would be cool except for like 75% of the population probably suck. A lot of people would freak out. A lot of people would freak out. But, man, the people who didn't freak out would – even if they did freak out, they'd probably learn something from it.

And everybody would come back with a reinvigorated sense of who we are and how we interface with each other on this planet. No doubt about that. How many times have you done it? Have you done it a lot? Seven? Seven times? Mushrooms? Yeah.

And DMT and mushrooms, both about the same times. How about you? A lot? Hundreds. Hundreds? I mean, I've been doing it since I was 15. Seriously? He's the worst poster boy ever for mushrooms, right?

This motherfucker. He's just like the Mayans. Do you worship plume serpents? No. No? That's crazy, man. That's a lot. I've never done that.

Well, I used to do acid a lot, but then I switched just to mushrooms when I was like 20. It's like I was doing Marlboros, but I went to Marlboro Lights. I switched to just mushrooms. That's how I was doing Marlboros, but I went to Marlboro Lights. Yeah. I switched to just mushrooms, you know. That's how I took my non-reality. Yeah, man. I was thinking about doing it in Montana

when I was there last weekend, but then I was like, that's a bad ass. That'd be a place to do it. But there's too many, there was people there, by the way, I didn't even tell you about this yet.

There was, at the hotel, there was these two guys on motorcycles and they had like this little girl that was like four years old and they were like checking in and I was like behind them. So they're riding on a motorcycle with a four-year-old yeah it was weird man and uh so you could do that right if you were in charge of a four-year-old you

could probably take them on a bike i don't know if that's legal yeah and so they go to the hotel and they're like yeah we need a bedroom and they're like how many beds and they're just like one and then i was like wait there's two guys and a little girl yeah and i'm like okay you know that's all i can afford. No, I mean beds. Oh, you could get a dude. Yeah. Doesn't it cost more money for a room with two beds? Usually I don't think it does, but whatever.

And then later I saw them again, and they were in the pool. One of the guys was in the pool with the little girl, and he goes, I'm the best uncle ever, right there, daughter or dear. And I'm like, is he saying that louder on purpose just because i'm walking by or something it was the most it was it was just really you thought he was putting on a show like you call his uncle and then he's really yeah some dick it was it was it was really awkward anyway so then i was like you know what i'm not gonna eat mushrooms here i'm just gonna yeah i think you need to be really aware of your environment yeah i'm starting fucking around so

if you already have like some thoughts going on that are like negative or something well I think this is how I would recommend you go about it

number one fucking if anybody wants to do anything psychedelic if you wanted to have like a guideline of how

to have a psychedelic experience number one plan on doing it that's number one say you're going to give yourself x amount of time and then you're going to do it and in between that take care of your health eat good foods don't eat anything fast up fast though the day you do it though fast the day you do it but keep your body clean like you'll feel better do some yoga do some yoga like the

day before you do any sort of psychedelic experience if you can do it for a couple days you know a week for like two weeks and then have the experience you want to be relaxed you want to be as calm and as at peace with yourself and then i would recommend if you can get to a tank and do do an isolation tank really yes tripping balls and find yours because you can find yourself in the tank and then when you meet yourself when you're on mushrooms you won't be shocking because you already you'd already found yourself in the tank you're like okay here i am again okay but this time i'm ready for this and i'm gonna skate through this i'm gonna realize what this is all about because in the tank you could always just stop it you can't stop the mushroom trip in the tank if you're freaking out in the tank you could just open

your eyes stand up and get out and you're sober like that it's instantaneous because it's all it's it's a natural psychedelic experience and your body can snap right back to normal so you mean not tripping just just tank just tank tank by itself is a trip you don't need to do anything just a little bit two hits is all you need go in that tank and boom you've done it you've done the tank right no never it's a pussy bro you don't He's a pussy, bro. You don't want to? I'm a pussy. He's got no balls. You don't want to try that? Cut his balls with a razor.

They're drained out. Honestly, to me, it seems like I would probably enjoy it, but I get the idea in my head. And I'm like, yeah, I'm sure it'll be relaxing and nice. I've talked about it too much, and now it's fucked. And he'll never be able to go into it because he gets in there and he'll just be thinking about me talking about it. Yeah, I do. Your head will pop in my face. Hey, buddy. Do a tunnel. Come with me i do want to take you on a tour i want to try i'll try that you should try it a long time ago you should definitely try then once you do

that then you're prepared then you're going to prepare yourself have a couple tank experiences then jump into the wonderful world of mushrooms but not until then prepare yourself and that's the problem man that's the problem, man. That's the problem with it being illegal. If that shit was legal, we could open up centers and we could fix people. We could help a lot of people.

Not we, not me. I'm not opening up shit. Don't ask me. No, I'm not joining your business. No, no, not a limited LLC. No, no, I ain't got no time. I mean we as in the human race. There was a lot of shrooms, I think.

I was in Asheville, North Carolina. Ooh, there's a lot of shrooms up there. A lot of shrooms I think I was in Asheville North Carolina There was a lot of shrooms Up there A lot of shrooms there That's a good place for shrooming Yeah man And there was I had a great

I did the Asheville Comedy Festival This past weekend Oh this past weekend? This past weekend Really? I didn't even know They had a comedy festival Who were you up there with?

It was called Laugh Your Asheville Off Is the name of the festival Clever play on words By the way I'm taking my Alpha brainwave formula right now. You got vitamins, man. I take three.

These are brain pills. You take fucking three? Mm-hmm. They're super brain pills. I didn't take them earlier. That's why I sound so stupid. By the way, Chris is coming into town next month. He's not Chris anymore.

I know. He changed his name to Aubrey. Who? What? We're going to show you positive and negative examples of drugs. I'm a much nicer person because of drugs. Me, I'm much nicer, much more introspective. But, you know, Brian's done mushrooms a hundred times.

I listen to him talk. And then you get our friend Chris who changed his name to Aubrey. Yeah. After he had some ayahuasca experiences. Seriously? Yeah. He went deep, deep, deep, deep into the jungles of the mind to the point where he wanted to stop being the person who he was.

So he changed his fucking name. Shazam. Did you see the... The alpha brain formula is coming out soon. Did he send you the pictures of... Yes.

It looks like the end of Hangover credits. Don't say that. Don't talk about that. What is that? What is that? This is my shit that we're going to be selling.

It's nootropics. And what it is... We're done with this. He's coming the end of July. End of July or early August. is And we're done with this He's coming The end of July August Yeah End of July

Early August And then we're gonna It'll launch right after that What it is Is it's basically The highest level Brain nutrients That we could find

Mixed them all together And Chris Excuse me Aubrey Worked very hard On this formula And tweaked it And you know

It's basically All the information Is available online And all this stuff Is available It's good for you Yeah We don't have anything There's nothing in here That you can't buy Individually So I mean And tweaked it. And, you know, it's basically all the information is available online. And all this stuff is available. It's good for you. Yeah, we don't have anything. There's nothing in here that you can't buy individually.

So, I mean, if you can't afford this or if, you know, you want to try it yourself, you can always just find out what the ingredients are and go replicate it yourself. But what we've done is we've put it all together into one pill form. And you take it and it does something. I don't know exactly what you could say it does. But it makes you feel say it does but it makes you feel sharper really makes your brain fire better oh for sure it makes me feel less tired when i have um jet lag when i check into hotels i take three of them as soon as i land and i i

always feel much better i feel much more relaxed when i wake up it's weird dude the my dreams are insane wait that's why i had my Arnold Schwarzenegger dream. Can you take this too? Yeah. I don't know what revision that one is. This is the newest of the newest. Okay, yeah. I had the first revision.

Dude, stuff is amazing. What's it called again? Well, we have it. Let me see what we're calling it right now. It's Alpha. He's calling it Alpha. But it's on Onnit Labs. It's Onnit.com.

Onnit.com or Onnit Labs? Is it Onnit Labs? Yeah, I think it's just Onnit.com It's onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T.com or Onnit Labs? Is it Onnit Labs? Yeah, I think it's just Onnit.com. Maybe. Hold on. But they also make a product called Roll On and Roll Off. When I do shrooms, I do Roll On before I do shrooms. And then the next day, I do Roll On.

Yeah, it's to balance out your neurochemistry. Yeah, it's onnit.com. Balance out your fucking brain juice. Yeah. So. I think we just crashed the server but did we yeah shit so um oh but ashville back to ashville great uh it was just it was it's a really cool festival because it's you know it's smaller than like the the big festivals are just they're fun

they're really well run but they're really well run, but they're massive. They're massive. Right. Huge things where it's like there's countless shows going on, and everything is like you almost lose kind of sense of where you are. Where am I supposed to be? Right, right, right. This is small enough.

It's the fifth year they did it. Have you been to Montreal? That's the biggest one, right? Yeah, well, I did Melbourne a few months ago. Is that bigger? I think so. Really? It's huge fifth year they did it Have you been to Montreal? That's the biggest one, right? Yeah, well, I did Melbourne a few months ago Is that bigger? That is, I think so Really? It's huge, huge

I heard that a lot of the international guys are really bad I mean, I didn't see that many shows I saw, like, because I was doing shows So I was like, you know, we check out some shows I didn't even hear that, I'm just talking shit Oh, you really? I just wanted to see if you could talk some shit. Trying to pull you into a shit talk.

Fuck, man. I always root for people in other countries to be hilarious. Yeah, no, I saw some really funny. I saw this Irish dude. Fuck, I forget his name, who was hilarious. Really? He didn't put on a traditional stand-up show. It was more like a performance.

Right. Like in what sense? Just that he brought people on stage and he would do shit, stand-up show it was more like you know a performance right um like in what sense uh just that like he he brought people on stage and he would do shit but he was just genuinely funny like a funny guy and like you know like he like music cues would come on he'd fucking scottish seemed to have a good sense of humor great sense of humor like that billy connelly guy he's a solid stand-up australians were they were all the crowds were great everybody was great do you ever feel like uh english comics get extra props because their accent like there's certain certain

dudes they get like extra credit yeah sure and i also feel like they give themselves extra credit for being clever like they'll kind of be like like you didn't get that dumb shit well that was a fucking brilliant thing that i just said i like stewart lee do you know who he is the english guy no some interesting stuff very funny stuff yeah but i always wonder like how would that translate in america because he has this really slow style that sort of depends on everyone paying attention and everyone being polite you know there's more of that in the audiences like definitely in australia where like at least at these festival shows where you get like a very polite

listening audience England's very polite even the rowdy people in England are polite yeah you know I've had some shows where people were

yelling out crazy shit but they were polite in how they were doing it yeah yeah yeah I'm doing you should go home Yank

please they weren't that bad no one was being mean they were just yelling shit out but I'm doing Birmingham. You should go home, Yank. Please. It weren't that bad. No one was being mean. They were just yelling shit out. But I'm doing Birmingham. Just trying to figure out the date. So I'm going to do it with Doug Benson.

And yeah, there's a UFC in Birmingham. So we're going to book something. In England. In England, yeah. In November. I did that. I did Birmingham with Russell Peters. Yeah, Birmingham's awesome. Yeah.

I did that a while ago. That was his tune-up show. Yeah? For 7,500 people. His tune-up show. That was his tune-up show. Dave Bishop. Yeah. For 7,500 people. His tune-up show. That was the warm-up for the arena. Did you do the O2 arena with him? Yeah.

Wow. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. We warmed up for 7,000. Russell Peters is the biggest stand-up comic in the world, and people don't even realize that.

They don't even realize it. I know a lot of people that have no idea who he is, and it's crazy to me. I'm like, you don't know who Russell Peters is. You've never heard that name? You go to another country and you say that name? You put his name on the Staples Center or whatever? He'll fucking sell out. 18,000 seats, he'll sell out.

Dude, I think, did I tell you? I told somebody that his audience was really nice. At O2, especially, he's packed the O2 arena to tell jokes, right? Right. And you have, you do like 20 minutes and set goes well and you get laughs and you're like, this is amazing. You finish and they give you like a nice applaud. And then you think you have a gauge for how loud that's going to be. You know what I mean?

Like when you're in a club and you hit a punchline you're like that Wow and then if you really kill you're like so that's how it can get loud and like you gauge how loud that is I thought that because I had gotten laughs during my set like well that's what it'll sound like man when they said they he had an intro to him coming on stage and the intro was pre-recorded by michael buffer okay the ring announcer right who and he does like let's get like a whole build-up that place fucking exploded like they were like the beatles are alive and they're here and like and you guys are going to

see them for one show only screaming that made all the hair on your necks stand up goosebumps and you're like like you crouch because the noise is overwhelming. It was like they said, fucking Jesus has walked into the building. I'm going to ask Bruce Buffer to introduce me on my next special. How tight is that? I feel like I've got to have Joey Diaz do it because Joey Diaz has done every one that I've ever done. Everything that I've ever done except for my Houston CD that I recorded in 99, Joey Diaz has introduced me to.

It doesn't get much better than that. I bypassed the comedy works in Denver. I love you, but you won't put Joey Diaz on the menu. What? So I'm doing a theater in, where am I doing? Just put it up today. It's on your website and Twitter. It's not on Ustream, son.

It's on your website and Twitter. It's not on Ustream, son. We're doing a theater in Denver, Colorado, the Paramount Theater. And Joey Diaz can finally do it. Every time I've gone to the Comedy Works in Denver, Joey can't work the Comedy Works. He had some sort of a disagreement with somebody back in the day, unfortunately. That sucks. I know.

I hid my weed at the Comedy Works. We could always go back. I've been waiting to go back there. Okay, can we go back there just for like two minutes? Yeah, we could do a set, maybe a late night set Saturday night. That's possible, too. I'll be there in a couple weeks. I'll grab it for you. No, I won't be at that club.

I'll be in a different club. I'll be at the Denver Improv, but I'll go over there and grab you. Damn, no one's going to the Comedy Works. I'll find out who's there. 923 Denver Comedy Works. We could find out who's there, and if they're cool, we can hang with them. Yeah, that'd be cool When do you guys go?

The Denver one Is going to be In September 23rd Okay Should be fun Denver's fucking awesome But I'm gonna get nostalgic

I'm gonna wanna move there again Then I'm gonna start getting apocalyptic Fucking Worry about stocking up on water And shit And hunting elk That's what happens bro that was a crazy place i saw your place i get a little yeah you went up there with me that was crazy man did you did you think i was crazy for moving there no what did you think when you went up there though it had to be a weird i mean when someone

says hey come on i'm gonna take you on a ride to the top of a mountain down a dirt road this is where i'm gonna sleep with my kids at night i thought thought, like, my real reaction was, this is awesome. I wish I was in a position that I could do something like this. That was my genuine. I didn't see it as, like, what the fuck is he doing? I was like, oh, man, I wish I could fucking do this, too. That's honestly how I felt. There's two types of people.

There's people that thought that way, like me. And then there's people that thought, like, what the fuck are you doing? No, I thought it was really cool. But I'm also, like, kind of antisocial, personally. I like kind of isolation and privacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think the move is you've got to have both. And I think one of the reasons why a guy like you or a guy like I

might want to have some peace and quiet alone is because performing can be kind of overwhelming sometimes. Yeah, I think you're right. Being in front of giant groups of people requires this intense amount of energy and concentration. And then, you know, then there's also like meet and greets, you know, after the shows where it's like, you know, I want to say hi to everybody. But then I want nothing. Yeah. I want complete quiet.

And I like just to sit on a fucking tree, you know, a fallen tree, and look over at a lake and fucking go fishing. Love it. I don't want to hear shit, man. I don't want to answer questions about when is Anderson Silva going to fight fucking this guy. Yeah, he just... I don't want to hear shit, dude. I just want to watch the water ripple. I want to recharge.

I get that. My wife, because my wife's a comic, a comic too like we turn down social invitations almost 100 of the time wow because we both we both perform and we get home we're like this is awesome we're just gonna sit here on the couch yeah this is great yeah and then people like no but this thing is going to be awesome we're like yeah but i don't want to go yeah i'm the same way i don't want the same way that your house reminded me of uh something you would see on a trapper keeper like i remember how amazing the photos. I never got to see it, but the photos you sent me, I was like, Jesus.

Dude, his place was amazing. It was a trip, dude. It was amazing. The view was incredible. And ahead, there was that walk that we went on. And that lady, she was such a cool lady that owned the place. I really liked that lady. She was awesome.

And she was really into yoga. And then she was was like here i stand like the sun hit it she had like a wooden thing and she was like i just sit here and you know you have to thanks give thank but like i wasn't all into necessarily doing that but i loved like being able to walk out there stand on the side of a mountain it's awesome you just stand like it's amazing trees and it's so cool that's uh it's amazing trees and it's so cool that's uh that's where people are supposed to be you're supposed to at some point in time be there and relax and kind of look at it and reset your perspective when you enter into the hive again yeah when you're in the hive like we're in the hive right now you know there's even though

we're kind of relaxed up here and it's kind of quiet where i live there's still millions of people in this area there's whether or you realize it, you're feeling that. You're hearing cars move. That has an impact on you. Yeah, breathing it. Yeah, you're breathing it for sure. That has a big impact. And one of the things that I learned from that fucking isolation tank

is that the more you can remove, the more you can see things clearer. And removing things and distractions and bad things from your environment, when you have all these things in your environment and they're just there all the time, you don't ever think of removing them. People who live in New York City, they love it. I love the action.

I love the sound. I love this city. It's an amazing city. You don't realize that city is bombarding you with sensory input, bombarding you with information that you have to process all the time.

Yeah. And some people enjoy that. I love it. And it actually keeps them going. But to really get a fresh sense of who you are and what life is and just look at it at a one degree different angle. Just get to the woods, man. Yeah.

Get to the shore. Walk along the ocean. Stare out at that never-ending water. You need some form of visible nature to humble yourself. And in California, that's one of the reasons why people are such fucking twats. There's no weather you have to deal

with, ever. It's just beautiful out here all the time. It's sunny. It fucking hardly ever rains. When it does, it rains for a day. It might rain 10 days a year. What's the most? 20? 20 out of 365 365 it doesn't fucking rain very often man we don't have to deal with wind we don't have to deal with shit occasionally something lights on fire but that's why people are such cunts out here because you need nature in your face you need a thunderstorm man you need something like that to really like put it in perspective sure man i need to be a little more humble about my position here yeah okay i'm just a little tiny little organism clinging

to this giant thing hurling through the galaxy you know and the best way in my opinion to to feel that is to be somewhere natural just interact with the earth somewhere where you can see a fucking forest somewhere where you can see the ocean and see the fucking water that goes on as far as you can see. It's water. And it's deep as fuck. And all it has to do is the earth moves in a wave 100 feet high. It comes flying at you 50 miles an hour and fucking jacks you. You know, it's...

It changes the way you feel. Fuck yeah, it does. I went to sun valley idaho this winter that was amazing man oh yeah that's gorgeous oh my god that like that like you literally area out there with the lakes like cordelaine and all that and then there's there's there's these beautiful mountains covered snow then there's huge trees and you just you go holy shit yeah just everything's like yeah it whole, yeah, your fucking whole physical being like tunes into it,

you know? and then you, you relax more. I wish I could have a house here. Yeah. That's the next thought you have. Yeah. I wish I could fucking have a house here.

Yeah, we have some friends that keep a summer house on the lake out there and they're always talking about how amazing, and they're in the clothing business so they're like real,

you know, hustle bustle, real, always constantly on the go and then they go there and just, imagine decompressing, imagine doing like a crazy tour so they're like real hustle bustle, real always constantly on the go, and then they go there and just... Imagine decompressing. Imagine doing like a crazy tour where you just do like 60 cities

and then you get done and you're like, I want to go sit on the lake. The husband's done. He wants to move up there. He's like, fuck this fucking crazy town. He wants to move up there. Yeah? Yeah, but they have this giant business.

They make like shitloads of money selling clothes, so they really can't just abandon everything. They have like a high lifestyle to support. But meanwhile, they just want to just relax by the water, man. Everybody wants that fucking feeling of retiring somewhere, but you don't realize that that is very close to death. You've kind of based, at least a lot of people have, who they are on what they do, what they do for a living, what they do for work, how they interact with people and feel useful.

And as soon as you slide away from that and just stay by yourself, it takes a very different mindset to enjoy that without starting to get depressed and start feeling that you're dying. And it's the end of the line for you. Yeah. Yeah, because it really is putting the brakes on when you move somewhere. But maybe you're opening up to something else. Instead of your drive being for accomplishing more work, maybe you're just becoming a different type of person. You're still doing some type of work, I'm saying. But you're putting work into yourself more.

Well, if you could figure out how to Hunter S. Thompson it, how to just live up there and then travel in whenever you wanted and then interact with the people and then head back out to your shelter. Where would he live? He lived in Woody Creek in Colorado. Colorado. It was near Aspen. Really more remote even sort of than I was living because Aspen's trickier to get to.

You know, you fly right into Denver, you drive an hour, you're in Boulder, you drive 20 minutes, you're in the mountains. I mean, it's that easy. It's literally you're an hour and 20 minutes from your car to where I lived. That's not hard at all, you know? And you're in the fucking woods, you know? Where he was is a lot more difficult. You had to fly in to Aspen, and Aspen's like a little tiny-ass airport, and it doesn't,

it's not a good one either. It's a funky one, because it's like nestled in between mountains and sometimes people crash like I know they reroute you all the time too yeah they rerouted us when we did the

Aspen Comedy Festival they said the winds are too high and there's too much snow and we don't want to slam into a fucking mountain that we can't see they didn't have to

worry about that they did that to Christina this year when she went there and I did that for Sun Valley they were like that airport's not working

yeah fuck get on the bus the wind gets wacky up there man I knew a dude who lost his friends they were in a private jet and they were headed out to Aspen there were high rollers in the movie business these guys were like super ballers

and they were making millions slammed into a mountain exploded it seems like the worst thing Exploded. That you had, like, if you were to get, it seems like the worst thing is crashing in a private jet. Like, you're like,

let's do the fucking private jet shit, man. Yes. And you just, you're putting up crazy money to fly luxury and then your fucking private jet crashes.

You're like, I paid 60 grand for this flight and it crashed into the fucking mountain. Yeah, private jet is the ultimate ridiculous indulgence. Yeah.

Because like, what does it cost to fly to Vegas? It costs like, if you want to go first class, it's like $1,000 or $2,000 at the most. Yeah, I would think more than $1,000 because it's a pretty short flight. The most expensive that you can pay for. And if you wanted to go coach, it's like a couple hundred bucks, right?

Yeah. You can even go southwest for like $150 or something crazy. Or you could spend $15, yeah and go in a private jet yeah whoa and then there's all the there's all the qualifications like the all the different classifications of jet yeah a small jet right mid-sized jet how about propeller planes propeller planes really luxurious propeller planes we got you a nice cessna live like you're fucking ernest hemingway flying a cuba then like they're fucking Ernest Hemingway flying a Cuba. Then the ultimate craziest status is what Oprah has, which is a Boeing business jet.

So it's actually a converted 747 or 777. Is that what she has? Yeah, where they strip out the entire fucking office. The 60 rows. And they have an Air Force One style. Entertainment area, bedroom. God damn. That's what Oprah has?

Yeah. Joe, have you ever been to the Ronald Reagan Museum up in Calabasas? No, never been there. You should go there. Get really baked and go to the Ronald Reagan Museum.

They have an Air Force One there and it's so amazing like walking through this what you're used to. Where is it? It's like in Calabasas. Thousand Oaks. Somewhere around there.

Somewhere around there, yeah. Okay, yeah. It's out north. Is it, do they actually have a plane that you can step into? Like it's in Calabasas, Thousand Oaks, somewhere around there. Somewhere around there, yeah. Okay, yeah, it's out north. Is it, do they actually have a plane that you can step into? Like it's outside? Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a real Air Force One. It's inside a warehouse, and you get to walk through the whole thing, and they put like little, it was Ronald Reagan's,

and they put like little jelly beans on his desk because he liked jelly beans. Does it have one of those little escape pods where you climb in it and then they hit the parachute and the plane falls apart and he escapes? I can't remember, but it was Pimp. Did they have those? You weren't even paying attention. I was reading. Did they have, remember how

I know at least in some movies Air Force One had an escape pod and it would a parachute would deploy. I don't think this is. A jet. I think that's Star Wars. Is that bullshit?

I think that's bullshit. So if the plane crashes, he's fucked. Yeah, yeah. They can't save the president. Right. The 787, I believe. People would get mad. They'd go, why can't you save the president?

You can't save my little Billy. I always wonder why they couldn't have fucking parachutes at the last resort somewhere on the plane. Just in case there's a hole. My friend Johnny B said it best. He goes, why can't they have a parachute for the whole fucking plane? Yeah, yeah. That's what he said. It's high as fuck.

How about this, bro? How about this, bro? I can fucking solve airplane crashes. What happens? Plane breaks in the sky. Oh, you got a parachute. You just drift to the ground. Why can't they do that?

Yeah. He goes, what does it cost? How much is a fucking parachute? You cheap pricks. You can't even do that? Yeah He goes What does it cost? How much is a fucking parachute? You cheap pricks You can't even afford A fucking parachute It makes so much sense Doesn't it?

No it doesn't It makes sense It doesn't make sense at all Because the weight of the parachute Combined with the weight Of the fucking plane You'd probably run out of gas Halfway to Idaho

The shit would fall apart It'd be all Dude Out of whack The Boeing business jets Range in cost From 47 million To310 million. God damn.

And you know she didn't get the cheap one. Hell no. Oprah's a baller, son. She's got Bluetooth. Right now she's got ladies around her all the time filing her nails. One on each toe. They're all white girls, too. All white girls under 120 pounds.

That's all she asks for. I want only white workers 120 pounds or lighter. Skinny girls. Pick a toe. And that's what she wants. The skinniest, prett 120 pounds or lighter. Skinny girls. Kick a toe. And that's what she wants. The skinniest, prettiest girls to clean her toes and feet. Put coconut butter on her elbows.

While she talks about her fucking $300 million jet that she's converted into a disco. It's fucking nuts, right? Do you think Oprah's gay? Do I? Yes. You don't?

Really? You don't consider it at all? That's the rumor, right? I think she's gay for that Gail check. For Gail, I think she's more asexual and just a power-hungry egomaniac. Really? Yeah, totally. You don't think she hires chicks to come over and eat her box?

She might. I don't know. She might. How much do you think that would cost? Just say yes. You just please for his. Tell him yes. Yeah. I think so. How much do you think you're going to say yes you just please for his tell him yes yeah

I think so how much do you think you're gonna pay a girl I think so to come over and eat Oprah's box I think she probably has a flat rate

I mean she's like listen you know you can work at Wendy's they don't pay much or you can eat my box $1500 $10 G's sure

think about $10 G's 10 G's for a 20 minute session yeah and that girl that's all she does. And she just works for Oprah every couple of days. But she has a little thing where she's like, I'll give you a little extra if you make the pussy pop.

She has a little tag on it for her. And the girl's like, what's that mean? Do you think Oprah calls it a pussy? Yanking, yanking, for sure. Do you think she calls it a pussy? Yeah, for sure. Can a pussy be yanking? Really?

Or stank box. Or stank box. Because you know sometimes she gets back to her old southern roots and she'll be like, girl, you know this shit is delicious. She doesn't say shit, but like, this is delicious, girl. She'll really play it up. I think when she's in bed, she's probably like, get that pussy. Get it.

I guarantee you, if you could encapsulate the smell of an Oprah Winfrey post binge diarrhea blast because you know she must go on a binge. Oh, she drops heat. She gets heavy, bro. Some shit goes down. She got real skinny for a while and then she just plumps up and there's some eating going on there, son. There's a lot of stress and that's how she, if you could encapsulate it into like something

you could open and smell her shit. Yeah. I guarantee you people would buy it. Yeah. They'd be fascinated. People are fascinated. I guarantee you people would buy it. Yeah. They'd be fascinated. People are fascinated. I love grape juice. For a certain amount of money,

as long as you made it reasonable, if you said, smell Oprah's shit for $1, you would make millions. If it's all it costs, like a buck. That's not, yeah, it's very reasonable. It's less than a cup of coffee. Would you do it? Yeah.

You might make five, six million bucks off that product. Sure. Why don't we do it? Why can't they encapsulate record smells the way they record sound and visual? It's just because there's not that much of a demand for it. It seems like they should be able to do that by now. They should be able to put a smell into some sort of a reusable medium. Visual medium is like they can record video.

You can watch that video. It gets in through your eyes. Why can't they record a smell? Yeah. I mean, because you ever done the film capsule thing? You done that before? What's that? Like the 35-millimeter film cart, the little black thing.

Fart in it, and then you... Encapsulate it? Yeah. Close it? That fart will stay in there. No way. Yes, it will. He's so confident.

I would bet on him. Yes. I've experimented with cups and... Jars? You can do it with jars, too. I've tried. I've tried.

You tried with a kiddie fart cup. And you also didn't fart. Like, you've got to really be into farting. I am into farting. Have you really? I farted on Christina

the other day when you were there. Did you really? Yes. We were all walking out of the office and I just trailed her whole leg

the whole time. Damn, dude. Why did you fart on his wife? Don't fart on my wife. That's so rude. That's disrespectful, man. Yeah, you can't be farting on dude's wife. I'm just kidding.

My daughter farts on me all the time. We were watching TV shows, and she's sitting in my lap, and she just starts farting. Three-year-olds don't give a fuck. But you just laugh at that, right? And I go, did you just fart on me? And she goes, yeah.

And then she just farts on you. That's got to be the only time that it's acceptable or cute, right? It's like your daughter, you're like, all right. It is what it is. I got to wipe her butt still, make sure it's done right. I got to flush her logs. If a baby's log, a three-year-old baby, if your log was in proportionate,

it would be the size of your fucking thigh. Oh, yeah, because they have big old shits still. Giant shits. Yeah. They eat so much. No, yeah, because they have big old shits still. Giant shits. Yeah. They eat so much. No, kids are always hungry. Yeah. They're growing.

So they just fucking pack that food, and it comes out like a grown-up shit. Yeah. And you try to do the math. Like, that's ridiculous. I love taking shits. You going to have a little Tommy running around, you and Christina?

I want to, yeah. Shoot some live rounds in there and get the party rolling? Definitely, definitely at some point. I definitely want kids. I can't wait. How old is she right now? Great couple. She is 35.

That's when you've got to start thinking about it. You've got to start thinking about your window. I don't know what the window is for a kid to be healthy, but it's right around it. Yeah, we're going to get on it. Come on, son! Film it, too. Yeah. Film the whole thing.

The porn, right up to it. It could be a new reality show. By the time your kid is born, that will be passe. Kim Kardashian will have already had like a cervix reality show. Sure. Kim Kardashian's new show is going to be a microchip little camera where you can just see the black dicks going in one after the other. That's the whole show.

The whole show is a 24 24 hour internet cam inside her pussy it's all wifi'd and it and it it's all hooked up and look you would pay for that

would you pay for that yes if that was on the playboy channel if they agreed if a girl agreed to do it please someone out there

steal this idea get a girl who looks like Kim Kardashian pretend it's Kim Kardashian lie to me say this may or may not be Kim Kardashian's pussy and get a girl who looks like Kim Kardashian. Pretend it's Kim Kardashian. Lie to me. Say this may or may not be Kim Kardashian's pussy. And get a girl to put a 24-hour webcam inside her box.

Somebody stole an idea from me the other day, by the way. Really? How do you know? It could be parallel thinking. Yeah, it could totally be parallel thinking. For years, I've said, and I even said it just last week on a podcast, but I said on one of your old, old podcasts, I can't remember, that I had this idea that called snail mail and where I I thought about when my grandmother was still alive that she doesn't get have a computer but I wanted

to be able to like write an email and then send it to a company and that company would write it out and send her like a handwritten letter you know so it'd be easy for me to write letters to my grandmother for a charge the other day I would had a Freddie Lockhart podcast and i talked about it and then to yesterday gizmodo.com said this like artist guy did that and he's called snail mail to email or email to snail mail.com or something like that and that's what this new company is called well if they stole from you i hope they're fucking they crashed to the ground brian yeah it's. Yeah, it's not cool, man. It's not cool at all.

How long have they been around? I think since yesterday. Have you allowed them to steal from you? You don't want a piece of that. There's no money in that. Well, he's doing it for free, so I don't know. So you're happy? It's like more of an art project, I think, this guy's doing it for.

So if he did steal your idea, you welcome it? Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. That's nice. That's very thoughtful of you. Dude, it's nice. You're contributing to the world. Right.

Your little wacky ideas. Yeah, I's nice. You're contributing to the world. Right. Your little wacky ideas. Yeah, I've had time. I would have done it myself. If you don't know and you can't get enough of Brian, you're like, God, who's that dude stumbling through his sentences? I fucking love him. He's too stoned. Yeah, he is too stoned.

Brian is a way smoother talker before he does the podcast. I knew that I was going to get past that third hit his way. And he's impulsive. He's going to say yes. And I know he shouldn't have it. But part of me wants to see him take that third hit. You did give me a third hit. I did. I gave you that third hit. way, and he's impulsive. He's going to say yes, and I know he shouldn't have it, but part of me wants to see him take that third hit. You did give me a third hit. I did.

I gave you that third hit. I took the third hit, too. I'm just starting to come back. I'm on a Machu Picchu high. The entire time we were talking, I was thinking about Machu Picchu. Yeah. I was thinking about Machu Picchu.

Playing your trip, man. Playing your trip. Yeah. It's hard when you have little ones. I don't think they'd be down. No. I've got to tell them Mickey Mouse is at the top. Here's what I'll do.

I'll hire some dudes dressed like Mickey and Donald and they'll be waiting for me at the top of Maju Pichu. That's fucking great. And the kids will be like,

Daddy, let's go back. I can't breathe. Yeah. Come on. It's not the ideal place for little kids. Daddy wants to see the big rocks.

I'm here for the big rocks, you fucks. Hey, don't let your kids have lemonade stands. I saw a lemonade stand the other day, and it blew my mind. I was like, wait. You've got to be parents. There's these two kids on the side of a street, and that's just an open invitation. Yeah, that's like one-stop shopping.

Yeah. What the fuck is that? And there was no parents anywhere. It was in front of the house. The poor guy in Brooklyn. Did you hear about this? Where the little kid asks for directions? He's on his way home from school.

He's eight years old. Asks for directions. They can't find him. Then they find a video of the kid at the playground talking to some man. They go to the man's house. The kid's chopped up in his refrigerator. Fuck. No.

Yeah. Guy's an Orthodox Jew, too, which really shocked the Jewish community because the other kid was a Hasidic Jew. And it's a very tight-knit Jewish community. And this guy was an Orthodox Jew, killed this fucking kid and chopped him up. I did think it was weird. Like yesterday I'm driving down Glendale Boulevard and it's sundown. And you see like I saw two girls that were probably like, I don't know, maybe like 12, 13, just walking down the street.

And it's not like a bad neighborhood. You're like, you shouldn't be walking down Glendale Boulevard. Like you're too young. Like cars are flying by. And it's still L.A. There's weirdos on any street just walking around. It does make me go like, man, I thought I would definitely not be cool with my kid walking around. Where you live.

Well, just like that street like it's not a it's not that well that's why it's not a residential street man like it's it's a it's like a highway almost that's why people always want to go to the suburbs once they have children yeah it's like wow this hive is just too crazy yeah i sort of admire people that raise their kids in new york city i'm like wow what a wild ride that's got to be for kids yeah you know to grow up in you know the hub of North American civilization. I mean, New York City is unlike any other city. You can call LA a city all you want, but it's really not.

It's a destination. It's spread out. It's a destination. It is. LA is an area. It's a place. But it's not a city. New York City is a fucking city, man.

When you're staying in a hotel and you open your window and everywhere around you are 60, 70 story skyscrapers and you're looking down the ground and there's fucking millions of people looking out at their windows and looking at you and you see this giant thing that's created on this little island,

that's a fucking city, man. That's the human experience in its highest RPM form. You know, this giant construction where everything's built up. They don't have any room to go east and west, so they go north and south. What the fuck? That's a weird place to raise kids. All the East Coast cities have a different vibe and feel than out here.

San Francisco's a proper city, a tight kind of thing, but Philly, Baltimore, New York, those are cities where you can feel the city's alive. Here you don't really feel it. The city's filled with pukes, too. It's filled with people that are trying to get famous. So the vibe of the city is all fucked up. Totally.

That's right, LA. I said it. How about you just suck it? Brian, what are you doing? Tweeting? This is the end of this fucking goddamn podcast. It was fun, man.

It was fun. It's always fun. Tommy Segura. And if you think Tommy is hilarious when you hear him talk on the podcast, you can also check him on his podcast,

which is Your Mom's House that you can catch on the Death Squad Network. One of my favorite ones to do, too. Of course. He's hilarious, and so is his wife, and they do it together, which is a little bit pussy whip, but we're going to let him slide. You know, it is what it is, bro. It is.

It's great. I love it. I love you, babe. His wife is super cool. I remember when I met your wife, your wife was going on at the Naughty Show, and there was a fucking girl beating a dude with a belt right before your your chick went up yeah and i was talking to her and she's like what the fuck am i gonna do with it how am i gonna follow this yeah and i'm like wow she's gonna follow that like that's gonna be hard like yeah you know these people are screaming and cheering and she just rocked it dude yeah she went up crushes dude she's hilarious man super relaxed and super confident

and you follow her on twitter, too. Give out her Twitter name. Her Twitter is Christina P. Just P? Just Christina P? Yeah, just Christina P. Yeah, she's awesome. She's hilarious. But if you really want to see Tom at his finest, you've got to go see him do stand-up.

He's at the Ice House this weekend with me, but it's sold the fuck out, son. Me and Joey Diaz and Tommy Segura. But when else can they see you? Where are you going to be at? Well, next Tuesday, I'm going to be in Montreal for the festival. And Tuesday night, I'm going to do Ari's show at midnight. In Montreal?

In Montreal. Wow. Oh, beautiful. I'm doing other shows throughout the week at the festival. I'm doing an HBO Canada show, a couple of Best of Fest shows, and I'll try to post those as soon as I know them. But definitely Ari's show, Tuesday night and the week after. And what is Ari's show called?

It's a storytelling show. And where is it at? I don't know. So it's in Montreal. It's in Montreal. If you want to find it, ask Ari Shafir, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R on Twitter. Ask him and he'll tell you what the fuck is up.

I'm proud of Ari. He's doing a lot of shit. Dude, he's doing great. He's doing a lot of these shows. And you can tell he's really striding in his lane. He's really fucking blowing up. And his stand-up is getting better too.

Everything's coming together. He's doing fantastic. The week after though, I'll be in Denver at the Denver Improv. Oh shit, son. August 4th through the 7th. Are you traveling with your wife?

No, I don't know who I'm working with. I just know that I'm doing it. Nice. Do they have your headline in there? Yeah. You better. Those dirty bitches. Yeah, so that'll be a lot of fun.

So Paramount Theater, September 23rd, Joe Diaz returns to Colorado. They tried to blacklist him. We would not allow it. This Sunday, Michael Chiavello will be doing a podcast with me. So Brian's going to let me. Oh, I love Mike. Yeah, he's a great guy. And he's going to hang out at the house.

And his missus is going to hang out with my missus. And we're going to throw down on a fucking podcast. They're great, man. They're great. They're super cool. I saw them in Melbourne. And he took me to a very beautiful bathroom. A beautiful bathroom?

Yeah, I have him tell you about it. Okay. He's a great guy. I love that dude. So that's it for this week. Next week, we got on the 27th, Giorgio Tsoukalos from Ancient Aliens is going to be on the podcast. And I'm fucking fired up for that. And we got a bunch of other people that we're going to try to get in here.

fucking fired up for that. And we got a bunch of other people that we're going to try to get in here. There's a few fighters, a few comics, a few different things. Brian Ebersole, I think he's going to do it. I'm going to talk to him

and we're going to get Mayhem back as soon as Mayhem is done filming The Ultimate Fighter. We got a lot of shit going down, bitches. And the new studio, which we should be moving into very soon. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going right there. I'm looking at shit.

Yeah, you going to come with me, bitch? I can't. Come on, son. You have a new studio? We're going to make a new studio. We're going to make a studio. We're going to do something in an actual office building. No shit.

Yeah, man. I can't keep doing this in my fucking office. My kids are in the background screaming. I feel like a douchebag dad that I want them to be quiet in their own house yeah in one way it's kind of cool because i like hearing like little kids screams in the background every now and then well right now we're at but i can't bring any skanks over the house either let's be honest ladies and gentlemen that's part of the program part of the program is uh i can't bring any skanks over here mrs rogan doesn't like it the only time we've had skanks excuse excuse me, questionable people,

we did it over at Brian's house. Now you know who you are. Andy Dick. That's right. That's how the cookie crumbles, hookers. All right. Listen, love you guys. Can't wait for Pasadena Ice House this weekend.

According to the website, it's sold out. But if you go there, you know, who the fuck knows. There might be some tickets laying around. Call them. What the fuck do I know? can't wait to see everybody and i'll see you sunday all right love you come on give me a kiss peace and if you like the flashlight oh that's right i always forget um the joe rogan experience podcast was brought to you by the fleshlight if you go to joe rogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and you enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. And then what

you do is you take it and you open up the box and you stick your penis inside of it. And you go like this. And then you go to sleep. It's the best. It's the best. So, we love you. We hope you love us back. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye.