The Joe Rogan Experience - #1231 - Matt Braunger

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

Matt Braunger is an actor, writer, and stand-up comedian. His new special "Finally Live in Portland" will be released everywhere on February 5, 2019.

Here we go in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, boom. Matt, you're the first guy to ever bring homemade cold brew to the studio. I think we should enjoy some of this. Okay, let's have some. Yeah, it's pretty much kerosene, so you want to sip it. Be careful. Really? Yeah, I usually dilute it with a little bit of water.

Wow. Yeah, I found out about this guy. It's a company called Tristero, or it's a guy. And he just roasts all these beans from all over the world and drops them off at this one bicycle cafe. Do you live in Venice or something? No. No, I live in Los Feliz. Close second.

Cheers, buddy. Cheers. Thanks for having me. My pleasure. I had a coffee expert on the podcast before. Just started. I mean, I don't know anything about coffee. Just out of whim, had this guy, Peter Giuliano. That's his name? Giuliano or Giuliani?

I'm avoiding the word Giuliani, like specifically. I'm sure he is too. Giuliano. Giuliano, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's like a legit coffee expert. He explained to us that all coffee comes from Ethiopia Oh, really? Yeah, all of it came out of there

That's where it originated And then they started growing it in Latin American countries And all over the other places Colombian, you know, we're always, as a kid Colombian coffee was like the thing Like Juan Valdez I went to Colombia over the summer And you still see pictures and drawings of

him everywhere. Really? Yeah, because he brought kind of fame to Columbia and differentiated it from the other South American countries. Well, this guy was really, this is actually very good cold brew. Oh, cool. It's very tasty. Nice.

Interesting. It's a different flavor. Yeah. I mean, cold brew coffee, you take at least 70% of the bitterness out, and it makes it smoother, and there's no acidic. And you don't get the stomach sourness you get when you drink a big pot of hot coffee. I usually don't get that. I'm okay with coffee, but I do like the flavor of this.

This is really good. Oh, good. So this is Ethiopian? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I'm no expert. I just go, what's the best one to make cold brew?

And they point at a bag and I buy it And that's all Smart, just defer to experts That's kind of the key to life, I think But he was, Giuliani, Giuliano Giuliano, sorry Peter He was explaining to us That the reason why

They all have these different complex flavors And how they would take care Of the beans, because Ethiopia is a very dry climate, whereas South America is very hot. So they developed all these problems with coffee rust. Have you ever heard of coffee rust? Yeah. Yeah, they develop like weird molds and stuff. That's wild.

So they had to figure out different ways of processing and wet processing as opposed to just leaving them out and drying them. Oh, wow. Yeah. Did he talk about the illegality of coffee in its kind of earlier stages when it would go out into different regions and cultures and religious areas? Well, Bourdain actually was the first person to tell me that, that they were outlawing coffee shops and coffee houses back in the day.

See, there's a clip somewhere online of Bourdain explaining to us how coffee shops were being outlawed. Because at the time, everyone basically was drunk all day. Right. Because people just, all they did was drink booze. Because a lot of times if you had water sitting around, that water would probably have some funky shit in it. It was still water and you'd get sick drinking it.

But you could be, if water had the alcohol in it, you wouldn't get sick. It's a preservative. Yeah. Like monks would only drink beer. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? It's not. I can't imagine if you've ever had like Belgian ale.

It's like, I have three. I'm just like, okay, Jesus. And you'd think those guys just pacing themselves all day to stay somewhat hydrated. Yeah. I think they just got used to it, but it must have been terrible for their bodies. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. It's like, oh, I was just thinking about life expectancy and how now I feel like we're going to see people living well into their hundreds and stuff and our generation and younger. But back then, you're just like, you're 30.

All right, you should make a will, man. Yeah. Well, it's just if anything went wrong, you were done. Whereas I have a lot of friends That had their appendix Taken out Right Or they broke a leg Hiking

Yes And they managed to get okay You know what I mean Yeah But like back then That was The wolves ate you They just leave you

Yeah So the wolves don't come After the rest of us You just take one for the team If your appendix went You were just possessed By demons No one would know

What the fuck happened Yeah you just struck dumb And like just fall down And just rotted out From the inside Yeah And no one knew why and the amount of the amount of i've read the statistic that like something like 80 of medieval land land battles were were fought drunk or something something some insane ratio of course it would have to be yeah i would i would have to shotgun a bottle of jack to pick up like a battle axe and just run into a crowd of guys and just start swinging away. Well, the Vikings were famous for waging war while they were on mushrooms.

They would eat psilocybin mushrooms and just fucking go banana. Maybe Amanita muscaria, too, I think was the other mushroom that they ate. And they would just go fucking crazy with axes while they were, who knows what they were seeing. Well, it's the legend of the berserker, where we have the term berserk. You're obviously familiar. You're a warrior philosopher, so you know that is. But yeah, that's probably what you just go into a trance,

and you're just killing everything in sight, and you're basically like an insect on cocaine that's just chopping everything down around you. Yeah, you remember we were talking about that new Viking show that's on Netflix? We missed it. It, you remember we were talking about that new Viking show that's on Netflix? We missed it. It wasn't the comedy one. There's another one.

There's another one that's a serious Viking show on Netflix that's supposed to be like the show Vikings, but way better, which I kind of like the show Vikings. Yeah, it was good. Pretty good. It was good. It's funny, though, how you don't image. The Last Kingdom.

That's it. The Last Kingdom. I heard that's amazing Kingdom That's it The Last Kingdom I heard that's amazing That's it Where I'm so You know We focus on one thing Where it's like You watch Vikings

You're like Where are the hats Where are the helmets With the horns Yeah what the fuck Where are the helmets With all these braids Everyone has

You know I don't These are normal people Head tattoos They should all be monsters But it's like Vikings were all sizes You know

Right Well they were all big Like The problem is's like Vikings were all sizes. Right. Well, they were all big. The problem is there's not that many giant actors unless you want to recruit football players. It's so true. You know? Yeah. But if you go to Holland or something like that,

one of the things you walk around, you go, God damn, everyone's big. That's a good point. Yeah. In Norway and Norwegian countries, they're very tall. The median height is like six feet, which is insane.

Well, Iceland has a disproportionate number of strongman competition winners. Those guys who win the strongest man in the world. You know those dudes who throw barrels over the top of- Oh, I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys, a lot of those guys come from Iceland. Well, the guy who plays the mountain. Yes. Who took the strongest man in the World Yeah Title

Yeah he's from Iceland He for sure is He's fucking huge He's Like if you saw that guy Coming over a hill On a horse Swinging a sword

You'd be like Oh fuck It's over This is the day Yeah This is the day we stop existing We're done This is the day my clan gets wiped out

Or that thing where they To save To save lives They'd be like our champion fights your champion and then that person wins and then that guy comes out and you're like ah yeah fuck i was so good back in the in the in the knife gym that we train in but this guy well that was the saddest part about game of thrones was that that uh the cocky bisexual guy oh yeah the red viper he was ahead i dude i i was broken up with my my now wife and just was

just back from a weekend on the road and was hung over and was just like i'll watch game of thrones and i just tweeted like ag i'll watch the i still have it don't tell me what happens you know blah blah just to just to have some connection with the outside world you know in my one bedroom apartment and i walked and people, don't watch it alone. I was like, what? And I watched it and it just ruined me because it's so fucked up. He's screaming about how he raped his sister and he's crushing his head. And I'm just like, oh, man.

The way he did it, too. He just grabbed his head and it killed him like you would kill a chipmunk or something. It's like the worst death I've probably seen on screen. And I've seen a lot of bad horrible screaming deaths yeah you know like it was worse than like the guy in saving private ryan where he's like wait wait wait no no and the guy's just stacking the knife in there it is right here oh god brutal yeah it's also looks possible yeah well i think it's well, I think it's something you write in a fantasy novel. I don't know how someone could have hands that strong.

Oh, he has hands that strong. Yeah, you're right. What am I saying? He's the strongest man in the world. If anyone has hands that strong, it's him. Yeah, I mean, he's going through the eyeballs. He can pop a head. For sure. Eyeballs first. Grab your head. It's a grip. Yeah. Don't you think you could do that to a baby? Oh, what a thought. I mean, you couldn't, but you could physically that to a baby oh i thought i mean you couldn't

but you could physically right yes you couldn't morally if a demon took over my body yeah yeah or meth you're right yeah wait what did i say i was talking to a friend of mine and she was telling me that her dad um had been hospitalized. And while her dad was hospitalized, he was in like this, like a care home for older people. And a guy who was schizophrenic freaked out and tried to eat him. Oh, God. While he was there.

Whoa. Yeah, and then he said, fuck this, get me out of here. And he wound up dying at home. He wound up dying at home rather than die in the hospital because a guy tried to eat him. Imagine like your last couple days of life

are escaping a schizophrenic guy who got out of his room and tried to eat you. This is why I worked so hard all my life and raised a family, and now I'm here. I mean, that's already your worst fear is to die away from your loved ones, just around strangers, to be back at the first day of high school, basically, but you're old and everyone's old, but then someone's trying to kill you. Yeah, and eat you.

We don't get rid of people like that quick enough. Like, you know, you get rid of bad dogs. Dogs bite people. You put them down. Put them down. Yeah. I got to tell my mother that because she works with this group called The Village,

which creates a network in any given neighborhood where if you're young or you're old you registered and cost anything and basically uh this person can live out their their final years in their home because they have a network of neighbors who check on them like every couple hours or call me here's my cell that's like i'm having a chest pain okay cool let's just get you the hospital because it's like i think i think people deserve to you know as long as they're not eating people and killing them they can die in their homes. Yeah, that's a concern that you really don't ever want to address until it's too late.

The concern of when and how do I go? Yeah. You know, I mean, you have to accept that you're going to go. And some people just have a really hard time with that. Sure. Even deep into their old age when they're just decrepit and they can't make it anymore, they just can't handle the fact

that it's all going to end. No. No. I mean, that's why you have to live your life to the fullest and not bite your tongue and just be yourself because...

Or I guess. Or just chill the fuck out and wait for the end. What do you do? One of the two. I don't know. What is the life to the fullest, right? Yeah

If it's all temporary Sure Absolutely I mean, there is that point Where it's just like Well, is there any point to life? I don't know I've gone back and forth

With Trussell on this Where I'm just like Duncan, yeah Yeah Duncan will fucking send you Down a rabbit's hole with that Man, I don't know, man Yeah, the cosmic

Bhagavad Gita, they say that And he'll make some sense out of it too he will he is the cosmic trickster without a doubt i remember bourdain speaking of bourdain he was that he was saying they were like how would you like to go and he was just like i just want just one bullet in the back of my skull i don't see it coming yeah but meanwhile he did it himself and did it with a rope yeah it's just i was friends with him i that fucked me up it fucked me up I wasn't And I was a fan of his Since the first article

Came out in the New Yorker That he wrote It fucks you up Because you just go I wish he called me Yeah I wish I mean, I would've flown to France

Mm-hmm No, I wouldn't have I would've said Suck it up, pussy Don't kill yourself in France Yeah, but it's Come back to America You wish he would've checked in

Yeah Because, I mean It's all about perspective There are times where we've all come close to not necessarily putting a gun in our mouths or rope around our necks but we just feel like there's no point yeah you know but someone can just come in i i say like coming up in the in the crew that i came up with in chicago you know canane and hannibal uh and and and people like we we never let each other get away with shit or it's just like yeah you're saying that but right fuck you like you need those people in

your life i'll never forget i went through a horrible breakup and i went i was in my apartment for like a week only leaving to wait tables and bartend and then i finally came to a show and canane's like hey look who pushed aside all the clumps of used kleenex to be with us welcome back you fucking pussy and I remember laughing so hard. And it all went away. It all went away. That's great. Because you take yourself so seriously and you're just, no, we're going to get better. I mean, I just think about

despair as this demon that latches onto your back and it's your job to fuck it up and get it off you. What's your thing? Destroy? Fight the bitch in you? Conquer your inner bitch Conquer your inner bitch

Yeah Your inner bitch is I usually When I'm referring to your inner bitch I mean the inner bitch That doesn't want you to work out Yes Well that's

That's the one I relate to The most Where it's I feel that Every time I'm in a class Every time I'm in Something like that It's just like

Something in you Just like I just want to sandbag it Let me just sandbag Just this time Well I mean everybody has that I still have it But I've got that motherfucker It's just like something in you just like, I just want to sandbag it. Let me just sandbag it. Just this time. Well, I mean, everybody has that. Yeah.

I still have it. But I've got that motherfucker on lockdown now. Good. Now I own him. Good. He's in there, though. He's weak. He never goes away.

He's in there. He's always trying to tell you you can take the day off. Maybe your ankle's sore. Maybe you're feeling a little sick. You a little run down. You should, you know, just take a you day. The dog looks tired. He doesn't even want to run. You know, it's not about you. You should take care of that dog. That dog does not want to run. My dad says something brilliant

on the floor. My dad lately, he's always been like a guy of no words. You mentioned hospice living and stuff. My dad used to do hospice and he was like, do I have to talk? And the guy's like, no, you can mostly want someone to listen. He's like, I can do that. And so he would sit by dying people like, do I have to talk? And the guy's like, no, you can, they just mostly want someone to listen. He's like,

I can do that. And so he would sit by dying people and just nod his head and stuff. Wow. But he never, he never talked about it

where I'd be like, dad, what are you doing today? He's like, I'm gonna go hang out with Bill. Like, dad,

who the fuck is Bill? There's this guy, he's dying. Like, dad, you gotta tell me more than this. So now we're kind of,

he's opening up more, but long story long, he was like, you know when you're waking up in the middle of the night and there's that voice in your head that is telling you you're you're you're useless and you're you haven't done enough with your life and things like that he's like i don't know if there is a devil but if there is that's him and i was like fuck and it just blew my mind right it's like dad you're right that voice that tells you to give up that voice that

tells you like not to not not to you know to hate yourself and to you know don't think you're worthy well it's such a weird pattern right because it doesn't have any real evolutionary benefit yeah what is the benefit of self-loathing and uh-huh and just sitting around feeling pity yeah yeah there are plenty of people in situations that are going to kick the shit out of you in life anyway. Why do it to yourself? Yeah, but there's something good about feeling very disappointed in yourself because then it makes you work harder and, like, recognize or at least try to realize your potential better. You get more done. You feel better about yourself. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, there's definitely something there, especially if you're in competitive sports or something like that where there's nothing you hate more than losing. Right. Because otherwise you won't work as hard. Yeah, but Jamie was talking about Kobe Bryant, about what a psycho he was when he was training. And they always say that about Michael Jordan, and of course Mike Tyson was like that.

Yeah. Kobe said he learned it from Michael. That's like what he passed on to him. Oh. Interesting. And then Kobe passed it on to LeBron. Yeah. They went on the olympic team i heard lebron spends 1.5 million dollars a year on recovery yeah just recovery yeah just recovery just like cryotherapy massage a million and a half every

year yeah what a fucking stud he is jesus christ. That guy's so badass. He's like maximizing everything. He's like a perfect example of someone who's maximizing. Yeah. Freak genetics, powerful will, intelligence, but then on top of that, maximizing everything. Yeah. Built a school. Yeah. Has a good sense of humor about himself.

Yeah. Decent actor. Yeah. You know? Yeah. He was so funny in, was it was it no it wasn't wrecked the amy schumer movie train wreck it was i was half right yeah did you ever see that hbo show where they're sitting around with them you mean barbershop yes yeah he's fucking great in that

and you get that insight it's like oh that's why you're so good you're fucking crazy like he was talking about his son playing and he's talking about his mom and like he's just his his drive and you know he doesn't he doesn't let anything go it's fascinating to me yeah the people like that that are like extreme winners are they're they're such a rare person yeah and it's and it's rare that you could probably stand to be around them yeah that's you know especially like you's the thing. Especially like your tech billionaires or stuff like that. It's like after a while you'd be like, I'm going to go to the comedy store and we're going to break each other's balls for a while because this is weird, man. Right, like Steve Jobs. Yeah.

Known by everyone as an extreme cunt. Yeah. Right? He was just a cunt. There's no way around it. Yeah, brutal. Do you remember that video There's a video

It's uh He's demonstrating An Apple product And he can't get this camera to work And he's pressing on these buttons It doesn't work And he throws it At the engineer

With his like Pursed lips Uh huh And he's like Here you fix it Uh huh See if you can get it to work Yeah

He just wants You fucking loser I'm in front of a million people Yeah And he can't He can't lose his mind Because it's like that Japanese ethic

Of the person who Loses their temper first Loses Right No matter who's right or wrong Well I'm sure he loses his temper Privately Oh without a doubt

That guy's probably Yeah there it is Watch this It's like he can't get it to work My camera's not turning on What's that? I did slide it and let go. Angry.

Not turning on. Watch this. Look at that. Okay. But he's like this. Yeah. You fucking turn around. He's this close to the Roman emperor.

It's just like, seize him. Kill him. Kill him. Throw him in the boiling pit. You got to think Jeff Bezos is like that too, right? Yeah. fucking time he's this close to wrote the roman emperor it's just like seize him kill him throw him in the boiling pit you gotta think jeff bezos is like that too right yeah has to be has to be and and just to be the richest man in all of the world it's not real he's not really the richest man in all the world he's the richest man who has a publicly declared income ah there's a big difference between him and really good folks yeah yeah the oligarchs. Really good points. Yeah. Yeah, the oligarchs, probably drug cartel. 100%. Well, not drug cartels.

I don't think they have that kind of money, but I think for sure Saudi Arabians, princes, and Middle Eastern. Declared income. Yeah. Right. They have trillions. Yeah. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. That's different. People don't talk about that, and those guys don't talk about that either. They just go, whoo, who about that either They just Uh-huh They let Bill Gates take the rap Sure Meanwhile, they own

Like whole countries It's almost like how People People that have That I People that I went to college with Or I was around Their family

They came from money They never showed it Oh, of course They always wore Bummy clothes You know, but like Someone who was acting like They had money to have

Like a Dunhill lighter Or something Right You know, but like someone who was acting like they had money to have like a Dunhill lighter or something. Right. You know, a Rolex or something fancy. But like that's those countries. Yeah. Like the kid with the scuffed up gym shoes that you're like, man, I know Michael Milken's your dad, dude. Right. I know he's your dad.

Right. I was in a play with this kid and I was like. Oh, really? Yeah. I think he was kind of like. It's got to be unnerving for him. Yeah. He was a good guy. I don't know how much contact he had with his dad, but it was just like,

your dad's the junk bond king. Right, now he's your dad, the junk bond. Your dad, the whole reason why you're getting by so smoothly and the walls are so greased for you in this life is your dad was a human scumbag. Yeah, full on with wealth, there's always a displacement. Someone's rich because other people are poor on some level, but that

was the most direct correlation. But is that always the case? Like, how about this? Like, Beyonce. Is Beyonce rich because someone's poor, or is Beyonce rich because she's talented and she worked hard? No, listen, don't get me wrong. I don't think it's across the board like that, but I just think in terms... In a lot of ways. In a lot of ways, yeah. No way

not every time. Right, but people love to say that yeah of course you know like you sure okay did jennifer lawrence fuck a bunch of people over or is she just really good at acting yeah she's amazing yeah are you sure no disparity of wealth is because someone's out there being evil or is she just really good right and the thing that gets me is that they always dump on those people uh the public figures so people like sport especially biggest example are like like sports figures where like i mean should he get that much for a fight it's like uh are do people want to watch you fight should you get that much you want to go fight canelo alvarez i'll fight him i'll get knocked out for a million dollars that's my

favorite people would say that oh i'd fucking get punched by mike tyson for a million dollars yeah first of all you'd have to get enough people that want to pay to see you get knocked That's my favorite People would say that Oh I'd fucking get punched By Mike Tyson For a million dollars Yeah First of all You'd have to get Enough people that want to pay To see you get knocked out To see you die To make it worth a million dollars

To see you lose your life Yeah Quite frankly Richard Lewis had that joke About his uncle I remember when I was a kid And I'm watching that TV And like laughing

Until I cried Where he said Oh yeah I think it was Tyson actually He was like Yeah I'd fight him for a million He was like Yeah like anyone would pay

300 bucks a seat At Madison Square Garden To see an oldish guy get punched once in the face and cry i laughed because it was so specific you wouldn't even be crying you'd be drooling yeah you wouldn't be able to lose half your intelligence see straight anymore your fucking skull would be broken they'd have to bolt it back together again you'd have to have everyone i love hostage in like a warehouse to let him punch me once. Dude, when he was here the other day, and I was just, I've met him before.

I met him once before, took a picture with him. But every time you meet him, you're like, yeah, okay, this is really Mike Tyson. He's really here. And I'm shaking hands with him. He gives me a hug. He's like hugging a tree. He's like hugging an oak tree.

It's just like thunk. He's just this beast of a man well i remember watching those first fights it was like watching you put a dog in a ring with a wolf yeah every time it was just like that he would just run right through everybody yeah to the point where you're like oh he's not from here you know kind of like those those those comic books where aliens like they're on a planet that has way more gravity or something so they just punch their fist right through your chest yeah yeah that was a superman superman yeah but if that happened what's fucked up about that like scientists must get crazy about that because if that happened you would be like really sick like like when people go to space and they're

in space for six months like their body breaks down yeah you lose like years from your life hey you get really fucked up it's not good i had commander chris hadfield on the podcast back in the day and he said that when he came back he literally couldn't stand oh his equilibrium was so fucked up because he'd been in space for six months then he came back like it was horrible he's throwing up he like he like he couldn't see straight like when he stand, the world was all wobbly and shit. Yeah. His equilibrium was completely gone. I mean, I think superhero movies are kind of fundamentally ridiculous and silly.

I love comics. I grew up on them and stuff. But they never take physics into account. It's always like you hit with a gamma ray, you get powers. It's like, why would it choose to give you powers? It would just melt you. That's not how forces in the universe work they don't you know generally speaking mystically you know no one ever gets enhanced in real life by like nuclear radiation no i don't think that's ever one person ever happened i the boat the best theory would probably be like godzilla like some

monster was born of it that came out of the ocean. Well, there was a time where Vice went to Chernobyl. And this was back when Vice was really Vice, when Shane Smith was going on all these journeys and shit. That was nuts. Yeah, before Vice is sort of – I mean, Vice still does some great stuff. But Vice is just this huge multimedia corporation now. And back then, Shane went toernobyl and uh they were hunting like these radioactive wolves oh my god radioactive wolves in chernobyl and like you know they're mutating there's fish in the water that are enormous and they're fucking weird yeah and you

can never eat them they're like the fish near the plant in simpsons like with three eyes right exactly yeah but but it's real like they really do have these animals that live in this highly radiated area and they've managed to survive i just i mean the the the level the levels that we that we have taken to get energy yeah and affected our environment well you ever drive to san diego you know that ride when you drive down and you look to the right-hand side? Oh, look, a nuclear power plant. Right.

I could throw a rock and hit it from the highway. Like, what in the fuck is that doing there? Yeah. So close to the water. Well, I think it needs to be close to the water for cooling. Oh, yeah. That's how they cool the reactor core. Okay.

I think. Notice I said that like I know what I'm talking about. That makes sense. Yeah, there's a nuclear physicist right now. Yeah. Nope. Well, that was the Fukushima thing. Mm-hmm. You know, that's what know what I'm talking about. That makes sense. Yeah, there's a nuclear physicist right now. Nope. Well, that was the Fukushima thing.

Mm-hmm. You know, that's what's happening over there. Yeah. They still don't have that thing under wraps. Well, and that volunteer army of Japanese people older than 70 that were like, I don't have long. I'll go work there. I'll go clean it up. They're all going back in time.

They're all 30 now. You go there, it's like a Stephen King movie. That would be amazing. I knew Twilight's years. Everyone's 30 years old. They don't want to tell anybody Decommissioned I didn't know that

What got decommissioned? That one on the way to San Diego? Yeah Probably broke Probably everybody around it's dead Yeah Because everyone was throwing rocks Sons of bitches

Yeah But maybe they woke up In like 1980 And they go Hey guys Maybe this isn't a good place For a fucking nuclear power plant The steam generators failed

In 2013 Oh Jesus Christ The steam generators There it goes There it, Jesus Christ. The steam generators. There it goes. There it is. The fuck out of here with that. It's over.

Meanwhile, that's still there. The core's still there. They can't move it. It's currently in preparation to be decommissioned. Jesus. However long that takes. Jesus.

Whatever even that means, man. Yeah, go fishing around that fucking thing. Good luck. You'll catch some big fish, though. They'll be weird. They'll have human hands They'll talk to you Don't eat me

What? But they talk with thoughts Yeah Right They just stare at you And enter your mind Fukushima They were doing something

Where they dug this giant swimming pool And all around this giant swimming pool They dug They put like ice cores. They put some sort of cooling element so they could freeze all the nuclear waste to an insanely cold temperature. Wow. It didn't work. This is a strategy that they were developing, but apparently it fell apart.

They don't know what the fuck to do. You just can't do anything. They've got to do something. They've got to keep trying. Shoot it's just you just don't you can't do anything i mean i'd like they gotta do something you gotta keep trying to shoot it into space i don't know the aliens gonna get mad at us yeah well they're already do you know like i i had a friend who i used to live with who was kind of new agey but also conspiracy theory ish and he he was convinced that our planet was the the off-limits zone for the entire universe, where every other planet was much more advanced, and they were just like, don't go down there.

All they do is fight and blow things up, and they don't share with each other and stuff. Just don't. That's why no aliens come. All that, when people do stuff like that, I always feel like they're anthropomorphizing. Like the idea that their life would be anything like our life. Oh, yeah.

There's a bunch of characteristics. I couldn't agree with you more yeah i mean there's a bunch of care there's a bunch of things that have to be in place for us to get to the point where we're going to war with each other that are people that are over there right there's no war in the ocean ever noticed that no exactly yeah there's no ocean wars yeah they don't they don't have and and they're you know they just eat each other yeah and there's normal there's parts of the ocean we can't reach And who knows if there's a whole other civilization down there That's why we like

Really bond with mammals only Because fish don't do a god damn thing For their kids Those dirty fuckers Because they don't really have them Like it's a trick It's like nature's tricked them to not be attached to the kids They blast some eggs down On the bottom of the floor And then the males come along and jizz on the eggs them like it's a trick it's like nature's tricked them to not being attached by the kids they blast

some eggs down on the bottom of the floor and then the males come along and jizz on the eggs sure i'm done here and they get out of there and they jet that's it and they leave like millions of kids yeah the only ones that take care of them there's a few female fish that keep the babies in their mouth you ever seen those yeah and then they let them go like when the babies are in trouble they hold them in their mouth and they're like everybody gone good and they open up and the babies get to swim around again uh-huh yeah that's it once you can't fit in mom's mouth you're fucked which there's a bumper sticker for you but things that live in the ocean that we do love like dolphins take care of their young yep killer whales take care of their young weird right it's really weird you don't take care

of your young You can fuck yourself It's kind of a mammalian trait Yeah Yeah Yeah But like you were saying You can't We always try to create

Like on other planets Is how Is this it Is this the one Yeah I love how you found that right away That is amazing That one is on the outside

That one's like mom Jesus Yeah last door Yeah That's crazy What kind of fish is on the outside. That one's like, mom, Jesus. Yeah, last door. Yeah. That's crazy. What kind of fish is that? Doesn't say? Wow, that's amazing. It's like it's smoking fish.

Right. Yeah, like it's a hookah. Yeah. Like it's Snoop Dogg blowing out weed smoke. It's a big ass fish, too. It looks like a grouper or something. It looks like something in the bass family. Yeah.

It's gorgeous fish. You mentioned the thing with feet, and I was watching Blue Planet 2 the other day, and it's not a fish. Apparently, it's called like a toad of some kind but it's it hangs out on the bottom and it has feet it looks like a fish that grew feet it walks around yeah that's not a fish i don't believe so it's actually some sort of toad i think technically whoa but yeah and they look like human feet almost it like has toes and everything that's amazing well one of the weirdest things that i ever saw about the ocean was there was a theory that was going around a

few years ago that i i don't know if this is legit or not google that they think that it's entirely possible that octopus octopi may have come from eggs that were frozen and landed here from an asteroid there was speculation that there was something about the way really yeah that the way that they brought you know the dna and rna of of octopus are so different than every other animal in the fossil record that it's almost that there was a consideration that they might have actually been an alien species because you know the term you know what panspermia means panspermia is a theory that is pretty widely accepted in the scientific community that some life is transferred through asteroidal collisions. So like that, say if a chunk of rock slams into our planet and knocks a chunk of rock

loose and that chunk has DNA on it and amino acids and all the building blocks for life. Sure. Bacteria, whatever it is. Things that, some things, you know, little things can survive in space, like tardigrades, little life forms can survive in space. Right. That they slam into a planet eventually, and then when they do, that that life is transferred onto that new planet.

Science news. Holy shit. Octopuses came to Earth from space as frozen eggs millions of years ago. Okay, but this is like the express. Yeah, but this, I was trying,

I read it a little bit. Yeah. But that's, that's the most feasible version of aliens coming here. Yes. We tend to think of it as it lands

and like a spaceman who looks like George Clooney steps out, but he has like antennae or something, is like, hi, I'm here to share with our our planet

all tuna or whatever and he speaks english and all this shit like it's it's on a on a biological level that we almost can't comprehend just go back to that jenny please um look what it says the extraordinary claims made in a report entitled the case of cambrian explosion terrestrial or cosmic which co-authored by a group of 33 scientists and published in the progress in Wow. I think that's also the theory of how water got on Earth. They came from? I think it came from comets. Because when you see comets, comets are all water.

And I think like millions of years of us getting hammered by comets. Huh. Like, you know, when you see the trails of comets, that's literally ice and debris coming off of that comet. I didn't know that. Yeah. Literally, the more you know. The more you know the more

you know comet yeah but they think that about mushrooms as well they think that spores uh can survive in a vacuum so if something like say if some spores were attached to a rover yeah and we shot it off to move to the moon or something like that. And it got there somehow or another. If there was the right conditions for that thing to grow, that they could actually survive the trip and then grow on the moon or on Mars or anywhere where there would be water and sunlight and atmosphere. Like invasion of the body snatchers. Yeah. Well, spores are even weirder, right? Because spores create mushrooms and mushrooms actually breathe oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide

they say they're they're closer to an animal than they are to vegetables yeah that's uh that's i've thought about that when i've when i've eaten magic mushrooms yeah a lot where it's like i basically just ate an animal well you also feel like it's taking like it's alive inside of you communicating with you yeah right don't you feel like that like it's not as simple as i'm getting high no i smoke weed i feel like i'm getting high yes when i eat mushrooms i feel like i'm entering into the thought process of an alien creature oh yeah yeah you you put on like a spacesuit on the inside in a way and you're you're evolving a certain way if only for like seven or eight hours or something yeah do you ever microdose

no i have friends that do then ron white's big into that oh is he every day you laugh i am myself a good kind of medicine oh my god ron white kills me man i just you just picked the most random name you could have but i'm just like that makes perfect sense he's beautiful yeah yeah he's he's a real comedian in that he's always a mess he's beautiful he's always hilarious his relationships are always full chaos full chaos he's always drunk he's always a peach yeah he's always the nicest guy nicest he's never had any attitude with any comedian ever and always just he's he's he's like he's like america's wisecracking drunk uncle yeah but not racist no you know no he's beautiful yeah i love that guy me too me too i i

it was almost like you know there's certain uh mystical gateways and signs you see that are like oh hey things are gonna be okay where there's i saw the magic monkey in the tree i landed in las vegas with my wife, and she loves Vegas, and we went to the cab line, and just standing there is Ron White smoking a cigar, as if the city put him there. Like he's waiting for a limo, but he was just there. To greet people.

Yeah, which they should. They should just make a Ron White hologram as you drive into the city. He's there all the time. He's there all the time during the rodeo. If you're in town for the rodeo ron white's at the mirage that's usually my wife's birthday is in uh in early december and that's always when the rodeo is yeah well that club is awesome do you work the mirage do you ever go there uh i've i i opened for uh tosh there yeah the terry fedor theater yes that's

a badass place it really is yeah it's just like a perfect perfect size theater for comedy yeah it's like a thousand seats not too big but it's all like right in front of you yep i used to work the place where they do the uh um the ca theater where they do the cirque de soleil oh yeah but it's too cavernous yeah like it actually cost me money to work at the mirage and i'd rather do that Because then it's fun Yeah The other one Was just too big

That's what people Don't think about In terms of I think like We only think about that Comedians and promoters Like the The architecture

Of a good comedy room Yeah You know Like generally speaking Comedy clubs Lower ceiling Yeah Like the OR

Mmhmm The OR at the comedy store Yeah It's perfect Or do you ever do Comedy works in Denver Yeah Flawless

Flawless They nailed it Yeah La in Denver? Yeah. Flawless. Flawless. They nailed it. Yeah. La Jolla Comedy Store. Yes. Flawless. Acme in Minneapolis.

Yes. Flawless. Well, Acme's got a few pillars that are a little annoying. That's true. That's true. It's a huge building, but the ceiling height is just right. They got wide-ass pillars. You're like, what if I'm sitting right here? I got to do this to watch the show?

I got to lean left? You worry about who's behind it. Yeah. It's like doing comedy in the round. I'm always like, I feel like I have to keep spinning to watch the show? I got to lean left? You worry about who's behind it. Yeah. It's like doing comedy in the round. I'm always like, I feel like I have to keep spinning, you know, to get my show. Yeah. I've only done that a couple times, and it always feels weird. I hate it.

Yeah. Yeah. I need people in front of me. Yeah. It's awkward. Uh-huh. Yeah. There's a good theater in Phoenix, though, the Hollywood Theater.

They do that in the round. Okay. Louis did one of his specials there, one of his HBO specials. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that one. Yeah. Yeah. And that's crazy, there, one of his HBO specials. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that one. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's crazy because that's huge theater in a round. It's not that big. Really? I think it's 2,900. Okay. I don't even think it's that big. It might not even be 2,900. Maybe 2,700.

Find out, young Jamie. Maybe I'm wrong. But I know Sebastian I think He did theater in the round In Madison Square Garden God bless that dude 18,000 Jesus

Four shows Boom So good Boom boom boom He's one of those guys That like Back when no one knew Where he was

Who he was You know Three years ago Or so Like I I would make a point To stick around And watch him at the store because

he's so fun he's a great guy too yeah he's another guy like no one begrudges if you begrudge grat sebastian his success you're probably a shithead well and you probably don't like fun yeah you know i mean i i i have such a blast watching him because it's just it's like he's like a silly ballet dancer yeah like making up all these all these stories and through his his facial expressions and and and how he uh his his physical comedy is just par excellence i love it yeah and he's always annoyed like everything is annoying to him like that's his whole thing yeah yeah that's it it's everything around him just pisses him off yeah if he ever achieved peace uh-huh like peace of mind it'd be terrible for his awful for

his like what would you do yeah you know i used to legit think about that when i was starting out when i was starting to do comedy like uh i wanted to meditate and to try to do these different things but i thought that's got to be bad for your act i should probably not that's crazy yeah i know like i remember guys saying like oh don't don't be healthy right it's bad for your act yeah you want to feel like shit. The only time you feel good is when you're drunk. That's it. You want to be depressed.

You want to be angry and lonely. Smoke cigarettes. Desperately need their attention on stage. Yeah. It's the only place you live. We're all fucked anyway. Who cares? Some of my favorite acts were really depressed.

Richard Jenner is one of my all-time favorite acts. He was super depressed. Went up killing himself. Yep. Just like like god damn it it was it was maddening when i when i heard the news because he's one of those he's one of those go-to's that i could just you know i i get fed up with comedians that aren't fans anymore that like i'm a guy in chicago who uh you ever have those people you you start out around and you're like you just look at them and you never stay up you're like i never want to be you man never and he would be the back and just go would go ha funny like is it because you didn't laugh you made a noise like laughter but you see

everything is a competition so it's like i i love i love watching good comics whoever they are and like jenny richard jenny was one of those guys just like this guy's an ace you're like brian regan or it's like i I'm never not going to laugh. Yeah. He's such a sweetheart, too. Yeah. We've talked about this on the podcast. And I think what that came from was there was a famine mentality that existed in the 80s and the 90s.

Because the only way you could become successful is if you got on The Tonight Show. Yeah. And there was only one slot a night. Yeah. And there's only five nights a week. And then they don't always have comics on either. And then the only other way you could get successful is if you got a sitcom. Right.

Or you got an HBO special, which only famous people got. Right, yeah. That was the highest echelon. You had to be Seinfeld or Kinnison or someone big to get an HBO special. So for a regular schmo like you or I, then it was like what do you do how do you make it so everybody was dog eat dog yeah it was all and i think somewhere along the like the early to mid 2000s that shifted yeah and it shifted because of the internet that's true isn't it it is it is the internet i i kind of thought of it as an organic thing from you know because uh

the comedy boom happened because disco died. And you could basically fill a huge room with just a spotlight and a mic and one dude, you know. And these guys still had that space. And they were just raking in hand over fist because people just, they didn't want to disco dance anymore. And it just died a horrible death. It was too much. Cocaine. Cocaine and everyone did disco.

Like Kenny Rogers did a disco song It was just like everybody Kiss did a disco song Yeah I know And so I thought it was because that kind of faded out We kind of just came to our senses As audience members and comedians But you're right it is the internet

That's what changed it Well the internet came along and comics started promoting themselves And someone who really deserves a lot of credit is Dane Cook. For sure. Dane Cook was the first guy to really become famous through the internet. And then everyone, including me, started paying attention going, oh, like this is another way. Like even though there is the regular way of television shows and movies and all that stuff, there's this way too. And this way just made, at the time, he was the biggest selling comedian of all time yeah he spent like 20 grand on a website

which to me at the time i was like who has that kind of money that's and why yeah buy a car but yeah he was the smart one and he also spent all day responding to people online everybody and then you know built up this reputation for doing that and then promoted the shit out of himself through MySpace and all these different ways that he promoted the shows and then became gigantic. And then everyone else around 2003 or 2004, that's when we all started to jump in. And comics had MySpace accounts and comics had Facebook pages. And I had a website in the 90s. I had a website way back in the 90s, but I basically just wrote blogs on it

and had a message board and fucked around on the message board. But what he did was use it as a business vehicle, like a way to actively promote himself. So then somewhere in the mid-2000s, comics started doing internet things, like little internet shows, like Crackle was a thing

and they were doing little online things. and then people were working with each other more. Yeah. So instead of comics being like competition, there was camaraderie. Sure. We were doing each other's stuff, and then podcasting took it over the top. Yes. Once that happened, then everybody realized, oh, you can really help each other.

Yeah. And you don't have to use, I feel like in between there uh one thing you one thing you left out was the amount of the rise of what you call the internet comedian which where they just kind of would make blogs and they had people that would edit them so they would be funny yeah you know yeah like you and i have come up over you know 20 odd years doing stand-up where you learn timing you learn how to read an audience the ebb and the flow your brain waves and how to pick when to say something and how you know because timing is everything yeah with with uh an internet video you can have an editor just go nope here here here here you should have said that

faster and it's it's this thing that kind of vaunted these kids into you know youtube millionaires if they were lucky but sometimes they'd go on the road, and people were like, what's going on? Every single time, they'd eat plates of shit. Like, you can't just do that. That's like learning karate in your basement, practicing in the mirror, and then going to fight in a tournament. It's like those guys, I saw that thing you put

up online of those tutorials, horrible tutorials. Oh, fake martial arts? Come at me. Slap, slap, slap. It's like that guy entering right you know the square circle with someone who knows what he's doing are they still doing that style of video where they edit constantly and make those youtube videos where it's constant edit edit edit edit edit where they cut out all the pauses is that still a thing i mean it's there's all sorts of styles on youtube so yeah i could find you a hundred videos of that yeah but that remember when that was like the primary

way these people were doing these blogs everybody had everything was edited and it would cut to it's almost like watching Family Guy where Peter would be like that's the time I was into disco and it cuts to him and he's like jacking off on a disco foot and it cuts back

it was like that because you can just do that we have to say it on stage we have to have a segue and blah blah blah it cuts to him and he's like jacking off on a disco floor and it cuts back. You know, it was like that because you can just do that. We have to say it on stage. We have to have a segue and blah, blah, blah. We can't just hit a click and you cut to me beating off and then back to me in the audience. Yeah, I've watched a couple people recently try to transfer that doing stuff in front of a microphone, in front of a video camera to going on stage for the first time.

I've watched that. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. It's terrifying, and it kind of breaks the covenant of an audience because anytime I have an opener who's like, they're like, I'm actually fucking nervous and blah, blah, blah. Do you still get nervous? I'm like, yeah, of course, of course. I'd be a sociopath if I didn't get nervous almost every time.

But you fight through it, and it's fine. But I always tell them, look, man, the audience is rooting for you. Yeah. Like, they want you to do good. Yeah. You know, that's the thing that people forget. They think every time you're on the road, it's an away game. Unless you're a hot girl.

Yeah. And they don't know who you are. That's the hardest road for stand-up is a hot girl. Yeah, it's tough. Hot girl with, like, showing some cleavage with a skirt. Good fucking luck. Yeah, because guys just don't take them seriously. That sucks.

Yeah, guys are going to be like, what, you're funny too? I'm funnier than you and I can fuck you. Hold on, yeah. If I could fuck you, maybe I'd like you better. That's it. Yeah, it's a perfect male privilege. Like, that's not what I want from you. Yeah.

I want sex. Well, that's a weird look too. Like a girl with a, like long legs and a mini skirt and high heels on stage telling jokes. It is strange. That doesn't work. Well, you're,

you're overly attractive comedian, male or female has always been a little weird to me. Yes. There are people that are undeniable and I'm like, all right, cool. You know, but it's like part of me kind of a little too handsome there,

fella. A little too. There was a guy who, when Kyle and i moved to la and we were roommates there's a guy that had a show and he was a comedian and and a physical trainer and he sent he emailed both of us like we were like hey can we get booked on your show and he emailed both of us just he must have taken every email uh in his in his in his book and just sent it out a blast of his if you need if you need to get fit and the picture was a picture of him shirtless under a waterfall like like someone's coming at him and i was like fuck this guy and as i'm saying fuck this guy kyle all caps goes take

me off your list and just sends it that's all he said because i I was like, he's just like. He's on a waterfall. This look on a waterfall. I'm so in touch with nature. Sometimes I go backpacking by myself. My favorite or probably one of my top five onion headlines was the trucker guy. He's like, why do those homosexuals keep sucking my cock? And if you read the article, one of them, the second second paragraph was I'm just hanging out with a bro Under a waterfall We're enjoying the day

All of a sudden He's sucking my cock Like what the hell Hey bro Under a waterfall Not cool I'll think of that every time Yeah men under waterfalls

With their head back Like especially if they have long hair Like flowing through their locks Yeah And they tighten up their abs You can see their abs real good Yeah and it's like Did you's like, did you take it? Did you take it?

I'm still, I'm flexing my core as hard as I can. Let me know when you're done. Super spiritual. Oh, gut comes out. Basically plant-based. Super spiritual. Out here. There was a thing.

There he is. That guy's taking it in the mouth, though. That's like a kid in Thailand. That's like an elephant coming on. You want the muscular white dude? See, that's more like it. Handsome man feeling good. Look at a girl.

But it doesn't bother me at all when a girl's doing it. Get that girl back. Look at her. Weird. You go, girl. So strange. Live your best life. Under that waterfall.

It doesn't bother me at all. I see a girl under a waterfall with her hair back like that. Not even a tinge of disgust. I don't even mind the guy under the waterfall. That guy's just having fun. That guy's not going, wait, what are you doing? Look at me. Come back.

He's not being Mr. Spiritual, man. The one below it with his arms down. Right below there, Jamie, on the bottom row. Yeah. That guy looks like he's having a good time. Yeah. That's a fun dude. Fucking party, bro.

He's super high. Why the world needs happy men. That's the, what kind of fucking article is that? I mean. Who wrote that? Some depressed dude right about to shoot himself. He's got a gun sitting on the desk right next to the laptop. He's like, why the world needs happy men?

I'm trying to think who would write. It's like, yeah, well, of course. Look at that guy. That dude's rad. Yeah, fat. That's, oh. Bert wishes he was that skinny. That is a dangerous amount of belly.

Bert fucking loses all his weight every year. Yeah. We do this weight loss thing. I follow along. You're crazy. Last year with the hot yoga. And he fucking gains it all back every year yeah every year i saw him at soul cycle with his wife as fuck yeah and he just i mean

that's unbelievable he keeps telling me because he sent he sent out a mass uh text test the other day that we have there's a group on my phone called the sober october group it's a it is one of the best text message threads ever it's ruthless yeah. Yeah. It's Segura, Ari, me, and Bert. Yeah. And look at him. Something's burning with Bert Kreischer. That burn is not calories. That's what's not burning.

No. But he sent out this message the other day like, I miss the heart rate monitors. He's probably home drunk watching Saving Private Ryan. So sensitive What the fuck am I doing man You guys talking without me What are you doing What's going on over there

I love Bert man He goes out he'll do a comedy club And then go out and tell everyone Where he's going to drink And then he meets him at the bar Takes his shirt off in Ottawa It's like 150 degrees below zero. Yeah.

He drinks with them all and then leaves. He's like, I love you. I love you. I love you. And then he gets in his tour bus. I mean, I don't go to the second location. You know, I'll hang out at the club a little bit and take pictures of stuff with people and have a beer.

But people are like, hey, you should go to our bar. Nope. Yeah. I'm not going. I've done it in the past i used to in the past but after a while becomes untenable yeah and bird well you can't because you're playing like 5 000 10 000 seaters now it's too yeah that's a lot of pictures you can't you're i watch i i watch joe coy hanging out with where i'm like they're gonna kill him like they're gonna

they're gonna tear his clothes off like el Elvis used to almost get shredded by female nails. Yeah. There's so many people trying to get a selfie with him, and he just played a stadium, and he's just outside. Wow. Just like, dude, just Joe, just careful. Security? Yeah, he's got some people with him for sure.

Tasers and whips and shit? Jesus. There's like a lady taser. It's not as strong. And there's like a dude taser for the various kinds of fans. Yeah, you got to be careful.

Yeah. It's, but God bless him. I mean, that's kind of how he got that big. The thing about Burt's fans though is that Burt's fans are all drunk too.

Right. So they're probably not even going to know what to do or they don't remember. And if they were going to kidnap him, they give it up when they meet him. Yeah. The next day they check theirnap them, they'd give it up when they meet them.

The next day they check their phone like, that selfie's all blurry and shit. Your hand was shaking from the DTs while you tried to take it. Bird, you think you can come back to town just real quick? Give me a selfie. Give me a selfie? Come on, Bird. Trying to dress up my Facebook. My wife's not talking to me, Bird, and your joke's

the only thing keeping me going. The heart's not too strong these days. The doc doesn't say I have long, so you can come around. Plus, I'm writing this article for Vox about why the world needs happy men. I got three bullets in the chamber. I'm spitting it. Once every six hours, I'm spitting. No, no, Russian roulette's one bullet.

No, no, three bullets. Nah, not Vern's roulette. Mine's with three bullets. I was thinking that the other day about marriage, that marriage is essentially Russian roulette's one bullet, not mine. No, no, three bullets. Nah, not Vern's roulette. Mine's with three bullets. I was thinking that the other day about marriage, that marriage is essentially Russian roulette with three bullets. Because one's going to die first? 50% of marriages end in divorce. Oh, okay.

And then there's the Chris Rock line. That's just, he goes, that's just the people that had the courage to get out. Yeah. He's like, how many cowards just stay and suffer? Yeah. Yeah. So true. True Catholics. So true. Yeah. And this is coming from a guy who's happily married. out yeah he's like how many cowards just stay and suffer yeah yeah so true true catholics so true yeah and this is coming from a guy who's happily married but that's when i when i see people about

to get married i go good luck yeah well you're married yeah as i said this is coming from a guy who's happily married yeah yeah it works i thought you were talking about chris rock and i'm like no he's divorced no he's divorced no i mean but me I see people get married and I'm like, eesh. Oh, yeah. I always assume. I always tell people, like, yeah, I'm married. I'm happy. I love it. Don't do it. Yeah.

Don't do it. It's too risky. Dude, that's why I got to have you on Advice from a Dipshit. Yeah. Because Amanda will call through and she'll get, like, marriage advice. We have a lot every single month that people call in and say, hey, man, should I, shouldn't I? You can't.

You can't give people advice. Because, first of all, there is no fucking way I know how you actually are together when you're alone. I don't know that. But it's advice from a dipshit. So basically, I go by myself and go, just make sure you're doing this, this, this, and this, and then you're on your fucking own. Do not quote me.

You should have Dr. Laura on your show. Have her be mean to people. Oh my God. That'd be amazing. I don't care. She's so mean. Yeah. She's brutal. She gives the mean to people. My God. That'd be amazing. I don't care. She's so mean. Yeah. She's brutal.

She gives the meanest advice. Yeah. Well, I mean, I need to have more of those tough love people on the show. I always have these comics that, you know, Santino was the meanest once. Of course. Because a guy. Fucking. I love that guy.

That big leprechaun. Someone called in and was like, you know, we usually curb these, but we get a lot of like, how do I make it? Or when's the right time to move to LA or New York? Never. Or whatever. Too late. Yeah. We missed the 80s.

It's like, I don't know, man. It's kind of up to you. And this guy is like, I've been doing it like 12 years or something. And Andrew was just like, the message didn't even finish. He goes, I would give up, man. I would honestly give up. Because this business will eat you alive. And that is just like, the message had been finished. He goes, I would give up, man. I would honestly give up because this business will eat you alive.

And I don't, and that is something I don't have the heart. I'm a sensitive guy. I don't have the heart to say that to anyone to just say, back it up

and move on. It ain't for you. You know, but Andrew was saying that and it was kind of like, I appreciate his honesty, you know? Well,

I just think that it requires an obsession. Yes yes like if you're not like fully obsessed you're probably not going to put the thought process and the effort into and you're not going to survive the bombings no the bombings like they test your soul it's just nothing worse than feeling that amount of hate where where where i remember being in new york in the dead silence and hearing a guy in the back be like are you fucking kidding me can we fucking go home now i mean jesus christ like audibly audibly in the silence oh my god that's the worst i just and i hear that guy in my dreams i was bombing on stage once uh and this guy goes

you're fucking terrible. And I was like, he's right. There's nothing I can say. I didn't even respond. I'm like, nothing I can say, dude. I'm with you. I can't even pull myself out of this. Yeah.

I got nothing. I remember Pat and Oswald being on stage at the first festival I ever did. It was the Chicago Comedy Festival. And I found the booklet from it recently, like cleaning out my house. What year? 2001. comedy festival and i found i found the booklet from it recently like cleaning out my house what year and uh 2001 and it was doug stanhope uh swartzen uh tosh kyle who else fucking uh bill dwyer bunch of random like awesome people but uh patton's on stage and and marin back when marin still drank i think that was the last time he drank actually that weekend Marin wasn't drinking back then Marin wasn't drinking way back

in the the 80s no did he start drinking again yes oh that was like during the relapse period I remember because he talks about leaving the hotel and a friend who was at the hotel was like yeah man when you left your luggage was sweating. Like said it to me. So he was so hungover. But Patton was like, you know, doing him and Marin were just dropping in and places. And this chick was so mad. She got bumped.

She's like, you fucking suck. And Patton's like, I agree with you. I agree with you. She was mad at him because she got bumped. Uh-huh. And so she was saying he sucked. Yeah. She's just screaming at him from the audience.

She just said, you get up, honey. Yeah, well, I mean, I was kind of like, this is a free-form room. Yeah. I got bumped, but I get to watch Patton. So she's a comic heckling? Yeah. Oh, I know. She never made it, did she?

Nope. Nope. Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean, and, but it was that thing that was like, if you say, I could be killing, it'd been one guy would be like this guy fucking blows and I'm like

I believe that guy damn it I don't want to that's the worst is when you're killing you see one person in the front row like this yeah

like an old lady scowling like what are you saying yeah I had an old lady like that at the store the other day older lady

like she was like halfway into my act she still had this look on her face like I don't know and then i hit her i hit her with this one bit and this one bit and she throws her head back and then she's howling i'm like i got her wow i got nice she didn't want to give in that's a that's a good that's a fun soda to crack when when she was like all of a sudden like best feeling she

gave in maybe it was the booze maybe the booze kicked in Yeah Comedy without booze Boy that would be a struggle That would suck I mean our whole job Is entertaining drinkers I wonder what it would be like If we had liquor free Comedy nights

Have you played You have to have played Like those weed rooms Yes Yes Those are too crazy They're insane We did the Toronto one

The underground room Yep There was no air For the candles On the table The candles were running On a promissory note There was no air for the candles on the table the candles were running on a promissory note yeah there was no oxygen in the room it was all just weed smoke i i was on stage midway through jokes and having second thoughts like every linear thought was a tree

branch that was growing where i'm like which one do i follow well not only that what did i already talk about yes yeah what have i what have have I covered? I have no fucking idea. Do you guys know? Well, when I was doing it, I was doing it with Tripoli, and Tripoli was sober at the time. Okay. But we walk into this room, and the secondhand smoke is a fucking real thing. That's what I mean. I hadn't hit a joint.

Oh, you hadn't. I was going to wait until after my set. I don't like doing comedy high, and I felt high on stage. And it's that thing where it's like, well, you just got to run with it. You can't fight the tide. Don't swim swim upstream you're not getting any better no you just gotta just keep going uh I did there's a show that uh guy Andy Haynes had called Midnight Run where you'd smoke right before you got on stage and you just hit this big joint and I was doing great and then I had this huge setup and then my my brain just, the bottom fell out. Everything fell out.

All ideas, all thoughts, my name. And I just went, it was like, and then the girl turns to me. I got to go. And I walked in the middle of a setup. And it was a crushed ending because people were laughing so hard. Because you're so fucked up. Because I just pulled the ripcord. I literally was like, I had a parachute that came out my backpack that pulled

me out of the room sometimes marijuana is your friend yep and sometimes it'll fuck up your whole set but sometimes it'll go why why is that uh-huh and then people go yeah why is that and then you're off on this tangent you probably would have never been on uh-huh and that tangent might be the best part of that set yeah i mean i think about about people that were like from very regimented backgrounds and went into the military in the 60s and then hit their first joint and went,

this is dumb. Yeah. I hate this. Yeah. Because that's the thing about I found about marijuana is it introduced truths about myself

that I found hard to face. Yeah. And they were minute truths. They weren't anything big that I was afraid of or something, you know, that like I really want to kill someone or something stupid. But it was just little things that would like bubble up. Yeah.

And I think that's the craziest thing about that plant to me. Well, the idea that it makes you paranoid, right? That's it. It's the paranoia. Right. Oh, I don't like pot. It makes me paranoid. I really think it makes you hyper aware of all sorts of things you've been suppressing that's it because when i'm feeling good when i'm

happy like i've been a good person i've been nice to people i've done the things i'm supposed to do i can get high and i enjoy the shit out of it but when i got loose ends uh-huh when i got things that are fucking with me yeah well you know maybe like something that went wrong in my life or whatever and then i smoke pot. Then it just gets weird. Yeah. And I tend to, I don't smoke anymore and think about myself and get worried about me. I think about the world, and I think about way too big of issues, and I think about maybe we're all fucked and everything.

Do you have children? No. Once you have children, then you start thinking about the future. Yeah. Like, what is it going to be like for my children's children or their children? Like, what kind of toxic world are we going to be living in? Yeah. This progress that we're exhibiting right now, if it keeps going in the same direction.

I think we're living in a level of anxiety as a human race that probably four or five years ago, I would have been like, we can't handle that. But we're somehow handling it. Yeah. You we're adaptable yeah i've definitely learned that but it's the the amount of times i i i'm so happy for comedy i'm so thankful that i'm a comedian and i'm around comedians that can kind of just just let the air out of me anytime what did you do before you did comedy i was uh i when i was i was an actor as i was when i was a kid then i went to school for acting and then i went to chicago and i got into improv and stand up and that was it where i was like i'll still do acting but like this is this is where my heart is you know what's so much more fun it's so much more fun and it's so honest yeah and it's so in the

moment i i i've said this a lot uh on here and there but there is you know when you're on stage and you're going through a bit you've done 50 times and you just drop it and go you know what fucking i had the worst diarrhea together today or whatever you know like something that you just share and and the crowd goes oh because a defense attorney wrote this book and one line in it was the truth just sounds different in court it just different. And it's the same thing for a comedian. When a person just goes, I don't think my wife loves me. And you'll get a laugh. But it's like, fuck, he really believes that.

And now the crowd's like, ooh, yeah, good. Now this is the meat. You know, you took the Cheetos off the table. Now you put the roast down. Now good. Now we have something to chew on. And the immediacy of that can't really be matched. Improv, maybe. Live theater, sure. have something to to chew on and that's the immediacy of that can't really be matched improv maybe live theater sure but stand-up comedy is the is the moment like buddhism like say in the moment and in comedy if you're out if you stay out of the moment you're no longer in

the pole position your car is going to drive off the off the off the road because the ultimate bullshit detector is a crowd yeah they know far more than they know they know. I've been reading these articles written by these angry women about Louis C.K.'s comeback, and some of them have been going to his shows and writing about the show. And one of them that I read today was from this woman in Pittsburgh. What I thought was fascinating, she said that he doesn't allow people to bring cell phones. They have those yonder pouches where you put your... And the woman's... Her rationalization of this was,

and she included me and Dave Chappelle in this, that we use those because we know that words offend, but we don't want the consequences, which is not what it is at all. No. You don't want people sharing your material online because you is at all no it's you don't want people sharing your your material online because you're developing it and you're touring with it just like we and jokes are a surprise a musician doesn't want you recording them just noodling around before they

finish this song right but a musician's song the difference is you can hear it over and over and over again and it doesn't lose any of the thing. You actually enjoy it more. More to the point. But if you have a bit about diapers, right, and there's like a very specific punchline about a diaper, and then they already know it. They know that punchline, and you're working out how to get to that punchline

and how to set up the bit, but someone leaked the audio already. Like, Louie's touring right now with that leaked set. Yeah. Which is weird, right? Like, all that stuff touring right now with that leaked set. Yeah. Which is weird. Mm-hmm. Right? Like, all that stuff about the Parkland kids, and I don't know if he's still doing those

bits, but he was doing some of those bits. Yeah. Like, he has a bit about losing all the money and about how he bought a gold watch. Like, those bits, like, this woman referenced those bits in the article, which means that she went to the show and he's doing the material from the leak, which he kind of has to do. Yeah. Because he's only, if he wrote an hour over the last 10 months where he's been hiatus, what does he do?

Like what, he can't, he's touring. Right. So is he going to tour with a whole new hour? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. I mean, I feel like, I feel like he's, he's quite obviously a special case because of his behavior. But it's almost like, I will say, that aside, I have my problems with Louis and what he's done and everything.

But overall, I'm on the side of free speech. And in terms of being comedians, we can't allow you to come in and film our shit or to record it, no matter who it is. Because the larger thing is, one thing with comedy is everyone thinks they're an expert. There's no other art form where someone's like, I know what the best shit is, or I got a friend funnier than you. Right, but in all fairness, if I go to see a movie, I'm not a movie maker, but if I go to see a movie and I think it sucks, I should be able to say, oh, that movie blew. True, but you're not allowed to go on set and film it yourself while they're filming it. Right.

Well, you're also not allowed to bootleg it and then put it online. You'll go to jail. Yeah. Yeah. You really will. Yeah. And people that record our stuff, like Stanhope was tweeting about that, about like, how is this legal?

Right after the Louis thing. Yeah. Stanhope was tweeting about that. Yes. About like, how is this legal? Right after the Louis thing. Yeah. And, you know, Chappelle has that thing that like the Comedy Works has where you come in with your cell phone, they put it in a locked pouch.

Yes. You get the combo, you get it when you leave. I was doing that before I did my Netflix special. Smart. But I was only doing it to really because I was tightening up my set and I didn't want any of it getting leaked right before the Netflix special. But once I filmed it, then I stopped doing it stopped doing it sure because i was like it's too hard yeah it's too complicated and it's just like the internet is going to be the internet

it's just it did make the show better though you know where it did make it better miami oh really because in miami people are they're such chimps that they just kept getting up and walking out yeah and to check their phone so they just kept Getting up and walking out Yeah And to check their phone Yeah So they'd get up They'd go out

To get their phone They'd come back And so they were all Just like popping up and down Uh huh Everybody's just trying To fucking do coke in Miami Miami's insane dude

Miami will always be More insane than any Given American city It's just on another level It's not America It's forever young It's forever It's forever 21

Yeah It really is Like that Like the name of forever it's forever 21 yeah it really is like that like the name of that it's a cocaine city it is a cocaine city i mean it's created by cocaine there's more banks per capita in miami oh i know than anywhere else because of cocaine laundering yeah and and you you go there and they're like uh oh you're gonna you're gonna go out tonight and you're like i'm out they're like no i mean it's 1 a.m yeah we're not going out till five yeah what are you five what are you 60 years old you're like what I'm out. They're like, no, man, it's 1 a.m. Yeah. We're not going out until 5. Yeah. What are you, 60 years old? And you're like, what the fuck?

I don't do that. You guys are crazy. I have a wife. They're all high. Yeah, exactly. They're all fucked up on coke and pills. Yeah. Running around rampant.

You mentioned Chappelle and we were talking about Bourdain before and I will not say what the joke is, but that guy is such an alchemist. Like he can just make gold out of lead in terms of in terms of material he had a bourdain joke that made me double over laughing about the suicide that wasn't talking about bourdain per se but about his own family member uh like i don't want to blow the joke but it was it was that thing where uh apologies to people

who are listening to this i know you want me to say what it is, but he's probably going to do it in a special, so I don't want to do that. But it's testament to how with comedy there's always a mission impossible. There's always a topic like, you cannot make fun of this. Right. And someone found a way, and it wasn't disrespectful. I was just like, God damn it. He'll just say these setups that you're like, where are you going with this one?

Jesus Christ. Yeah, the idea that you can't make fun of something is crazy. It's nuts. You might do it wrong, but someone can do it right. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it might not be your style, but someone can do it. There's so many weird styles one of the beautiful things about comedy is the fact that styles are so personal yes you know like

david tell might be able to do a bit that you know sebastian could not do it's just not in his wheelhouse david tell is probably the funniest man on earth he's one of them for sure that dude just just kills me yeah like every time he's another. He just pulls shit out of the air. And he's so prolific. Yeah. Just always writing. Always. Always tuning things. It'll call you up and go, hey, you ever heard something like this before?

Yeah. Because it'll come too easy. Yeah, he will. He just wants to make sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the comedy is so beautiful in that it really is an art form that you can't learn

anywhere. Like, you have to learn it yourself. Yeah. It's not like you can learn how to play the clarinet. You go and take classes and practice music. Right. You don't have to have ever created anything, and you can play beautiful clarinet music. Yeah.

I mean, you don't have to ever have invented a single song, and you could just go out there and make a living playing the clarinet. Well, and you don't learn to play a clarinet in front of an audience. Right. You don't bring it to the clarinet open mic and do-do-do-do, oh, fuck you. You have to learn in front of people. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're not going to get up there and play Flight of the Bumblebee right away.

Is there anything else where you have to learn in front of people like that? I mean, even basketball, you practice in the gym. Yeah, there might be a couple friends hanging out. Yeah. Yeah, it is. The only art form I can think of that you can only get better in front of a crowd it's fucking crazy it's really crazy and there's no classes all classes that you take are useless really they're all taught by fools yeah they're almost sorry folks teaching comedy class yeah i've had friends who have been uh john Roy writes stuff online that I think is really illuminating,

that teaches you what the business is really like and what the best comedy is from a comedian's perspective. But he just puts them out there for free. He's not sitting in a room. Someone can give you a coat. Like a good comic can coat you. Yeah. They can say, hey, man, you know that bit?

If you just came at it this way, maybe that would be an easier way. Like Neil Brennan is a genius that way yeah and i i did that for um for a show where a guy who was he was more of like he's entertaining but his his his delivery and stuff was kind of like a ted talk and he was doing like a he's going to do a show you did a pilot where it was just him kind of talking about the news and stuff and basically i they brought me in to kind of just loosen them up to make it you know like the best comedians it's like the funniest person at a party or you're

as natural in front of your friends after a couple beers as you are on stage right you know so I just had to fuck and it was just like untightening muscles on this guy where I'm just like nope nope you're leaning into the funny you're trying you're getting loud and you think that's fun no no just right you know said it was fun that was fun just coaching someone it's hard for people to see how other people are seeing them yeah

sometimes that's one of the reasons why people like to avoid recordings or films they don't want to watch themselves because you watch yourself and you're like yuck oh it's the worst you watch an edit of your special i have you already know the jokes, so they're not funny to you. They don't hit you. I have a special coming out February 5th called Finally Live in Portland. What's it coming out on? It's going to be like Gaffigans, like everywhere. So Amazon Prime, all that jazz.

Google Play, iTunes, all that jazz. Yeah. And I'm psyched. That seems to be the trend. Yeah. A lot of people are doing that. I was just tired of waiting where I had Netflix and Comedy Central. They both have good relationships with them, but they're like, our roster's full for this

year. We'll try for next year. And I'm like, man, it's the first part of the year now. I can't. I'm just going to dump, do it. Hinchcliffe is going to do the same thing. Smart. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And Callan, too. Callan just did the same thing smart yeah yeah yeah it's in Callan too Callan just did the same thing it's like you get to a point where you're like look I gotta go I get it that you guys have yeah five Hannah Gadsby specials on the back burner ready to rock and roll about to wake people up but I gotta make my thing yeah and but to the point besides my obvious sneaking in a plug there I like watching the cut of it with a with an editor i'm oh death death death people are like what's your favorite joke on it none of them hate them all

hate all those jokes but that's because you're good any people who suck they love everything they do i'm gonna i'm gonna shit on bobby lee real quick even though we love bobby uh i love him but and it's not even shitting on him. I admired it. Just shit on him, bro. He's not here. When we were on Mad TV together, Eric Price and I were both on there. We got hired the last season, and then they canceled it.

Make of that what you will. But when we worked with Bobby, when he didn't have his dick and balls out eating a salad, he would watch playback and would just watch himself and be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, to the point where Keegan-Michael Key, me, and Eric would just point at him and go like, me, ha, ha, me, it's me. He would literally laugh at his own shit, and I admired that about him. I'm just like, I could never. It's a mental delusion. He's got something wrong with his brain.

He needs to put out a special. I've been telling him forever. I'm like, dude, you are one of the best stand-up comedians alive and you don't have a special and he he still goes to clubs and he's like can i just do 20 minutes no one's like fuck no what we're paying you you do an hour yeah he asked if he could do 20 minutes he'll do over an hour but he's always he's just so down on himself he's like i don't think i got it can just do like 20? Can you let this guy do 45? He really says that? Yes.

When he goes to a club and people are there to see him? Last I checked, yeah. Because he's just so down on himself. He's so crazy. And then he'll get up and just crush. He's so funny. I talked to him about it. I was like, why aren't you doing this?

I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm like, you're not going to. No. You've been telling me you're going to for years. No. I've known Bobby Lee for 20 plus years. Yeah.

He's never put out a comedy special. That's insane. Yeah. Bobby Lee almost put out a comedy special. That's insane. Yeah. Bobby Lee almost got me killed at a strip club in San Diego. First time I met him. I already believe it. B, continue. We were in our 20s.

And I met Bobby Lee down there at the La Jolla Comedy Store. And then we went out after the show. This was probably like 90, late 90s somewhere. Right. comedy store and then we went out after the show this is probably like 90 late 90 somewhere and we went out uh afterwards went out to the strip club and there was this mexican gentleman with a tattoo on his face in the 90s which is rare and he had long straight black hair wow and and he had a look in his eyes like he's killed people yeah and i'm a good i'm a i'm good at sniffing out danger i'm like that's real danger and bobby was hitting on his girl he's trying to get a lap dance from Yeah. I'm a good at sniffing out danger. I'm like, that's real danger.

And Bobby was hitting on his girl. He was trying to get a lap dance from his girlfriend. God damn it. I mean, in Bobby's defense, it's at a strip club. But this girl was apparently his girlfriend at a strip club. And the guy stood up. And he stood up and he said something to Bobby. And Bobby comes over. He's like, fuck that guy.

And I looked at the guy. I looked at Bobby. I go, I'm getting out of here right now. And he's like, I go, either come with me or you're gonna walk home I'm like fuck you yeah I'm not getting killed for you no we all ran out into the car and I had a Toyota Supra at the time and I got in my car and Bobby's like that guy ain't gonna do shit I'm like get in the fucking car I'm like dude you don't understand danger you're gonna get everyone killed it's guys like you yeah bobby lee's one of those guys that has no spidey sense none none zero uh that you know

i i have very strong where it's tingling where i'm like oh i'm about to get jumped yeah i need to just abandon my pride and run down the street this one was a was a real one i was like oh this guy's like a gangbanger like this guy's a he had tattooed tears he was legitimately scary looking yeah even if he was bluffing I'm What is this? This is a video like What would happen

This big guy right here He just He gets pissed off And he basically Knocks everyone out Here in the bar And like Nobody can do anything

About it Oh god He just starts Fighting one guy One guy's like Hey you need to stop Knocks this guy out Knocks that guy out

Starts beating up a guy Over here He's just beating people up For no reason Yeah someone must have Pissed him off He was dancing At the beginning of the video oh no he's not doing anything this guy can't even fight yeah he's telegraphing every punch i'm not even a fighter but everybody's letting him punch him he's just well they're all drunk as shit too they're bumping

into him oh man oh he's a drunk guy nudged you in the morning or something like that he's a dick yeah that sucks yeah but that's what could happen in that situation yeah could have fucked everyone up you have to send this to me because that looks like my friend vince Oh, he's a dick. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, but that's what could have happened in that situation. Yeah. Could have fucked everyone up. You have to send this to me because that looks like my friend Vince Averill, who's a comedian from the Midwest. He's got that same kind of balding, same size.

He's like punching little kids. Yeah. Like a giant punching little kids. Yeah. One of my favorite videos of a bar is a girl and a guy. The guy got in this girl's face and she grabs his collar and headbutts him unconscious. She grabs and goes, Wham! guy. The guy got in this girl's face and she grabs his collar

and headbutts him unconscious. She grabs and goes, wham! Wow. The dude just drops. It's fucking hilarious. Like, that bitch must have grown up in a hard family.

Yeah. Because this guy is way bigger than her and it was a dangerous thing to try. And she just grabs his collar and fucking slams her forehead right into his nose. I think you can get away with that if you're a lady you know what i mean because it's like because it's got well no not that it's

excusable don't do it but like you're giving bad advice i'm not saying do it is this it i'm saying i think this is it yeah watch this the guy like put they get closer to us look at this bam KO'd wow go to sleep bitch holy And look at her just strolling away. Yeah, that girl's done that before. And that guy's like, Sheila, you killed again. Yeah, whatever. We have to get you help. Whatever.

Who's going to arrest me? He's moving. He's like, we didn't give you bionic limbs to let you do this. Yeah, she's got a plate in her head from a car accident when she was six. Yeah, headbutt is in the face. No, I'm saying like if a girl puts her hands on your chest, that guy had to be like, what are you going to really? He didn't see it coming.

You can't let people touch you. Yeah. Never let people touch you. No. Even if it's a girl. Girl grabbing you like that. Be very careful. That's a red flag.

Yeah, if someone does that, you feel tension. Yes. You feel like they're about to do something. Yeah. Yeah. If you're a dumb dude and you think you're invulnerable yeah and then wake up with a shattered nose you get head butted into oblivion that was insane the real scary thing is falling out the the thing about getting hit

is that you fall and your head bounces off the ground that's the most dangerous thing yeah i mean i'm so tall i would probably i would have permanent brain damage right all the falling yeah because you're kind of just you're just a sack just a sack of jelly maybe that's why bobby I mean, I'm so tall, I would probably have permanent brain damage. Right, all the falling? Yeah, because you're just a sack. Just a sack of jelly. Maybe that's why Bobby's so cocky, because he's not falling very far. That's it. He's just woken up on the ground. He rolls.

He tucks and rolls. He's like, I was talking to that guy, and I must have bumped my head on something, because I woke up in the alleyway. But I'm fine. I'm fine. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever done his podcast? No. I got to reach out. He's a goodway. But I'm fine. I'm fine. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever done his podcast?

No. I got to reach out. He's a good dude. I love hanging out with Bobby. I hope he really does do a comedy special this year. I really do, because he's so funny. He murders. He's a no-brainer for Netflix.

Yeah. No-brainer. Right. You know. Diversity. Hashtag diversity. Yeah. And he's a nut.

Yeah. He has great stories. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He told me a story once about He was He was at Mad TV

They had a table read And he Hadn't slept In a couple of days He'd just gotten back from Mexico He had a giant bowie knife Like tucked into his shirt And he was fucked up on pills

And he was just sweating He'd been up for days And he's at the table read Jesus And that was before he decided to clean his act up yeah i i was lucky enough to come across like well after those days uh and we they wrote they wrote a script to fuck with him they gave him the wrong script with like extra lines with a monologue that took up like the whole page so that he would have to remember it no no he

said to read it and everyone's like like like they tell everybody like don't worry about that part where he thinks he's a bird and so bobby's like i'm a bird i'm supposed to and like the writer was coaching him just like do the wackiest bird voice and he's like car car i'm supposed to fly car and i'm a bird and he looks up and we're crying laughing and he sees someone's script fuck you got and he threw the script across the room and i remember just taking pictures of him Yeah just to They just did it Like on his birthday Or something to mess with him It was like the best prank

Wasn't Mad TV like The longest running sketch show Ever outside of Saturday Night Live It was yeah That's crazy Nobody watched it Ten people watched that show

It cost too much I think Is that what it was Yeah because they do a lot of Like Song parodies And things like that And

It It just I mean I wish it would have kept going It was one Of course you were working on it You know yeah But it was one of those things

Where it was like You'd hear it was still on You're like whoa That show's still on Oh yeah Cause I was on it With Brian Callen in 1994 Yeah

Brian Callen and Artie Lang Like 94 95 95 That's crazy That was a long Fucking time ago And then all those years later

I'm like what it's still on Dude when I got the call to audition I was like is this still on television This was 2008 That is fucking crazy 2009 it ended 1995 to 2009 That's insane

We shot the last They cancelled it I want to say January of 2009 1995 to 2009. That's insane. We shot the last. They canceled it, I want to say January of 2009. And they canceled it on my, they told everyone on my day off. Oh, so it was original network. It was on Fox. And why does it say the CW 2016? They tried to bring it back. They tried to bring it back?

Yeah, with like. What? Adam Ray was on it. What? And a couple people, I don't know. What is the CW? Is that real is that real oh look there i am set up like a drug dealer's money laundering operation the cw network what is that is it like those dude i live south of glendale and there's a there's a banquet hall every two blocks i'm like there's some laundering yeah come on that's got to be some

some easy laundering right there banquet hall they're just trying to figure out a way to get rid of money You've got to move it around Who's to say there isn't a wedding Two weddings a day A couple of weddings You've got to think that if you're a person In this day and age That you're selling drugs and you're trying to launder money

You have to be super sophisticated about it That's the hardest part If you're making millions of dollars selling drugs and you're trying to launder money, you have to be super sophisticated about it. That's the hardest part. If you're making millions of dollars selling drugs, how do you, you know, you have to own like laundromats or something. Like you can't be like Pablo Escobar moving the money from the bottom of the top because it'll rot like fruit. Like there's so many rats in there. I was at a, this is the best way to describe this, I won't give anybody up.

I was at a luxury automobile place. Ah. And this one gentleman came in who is in the rap game. Sure. And they had a large bag of money. They were looking at Lamborghinis. I wasn't looking at Lamborghinis. They were like, Joe Rogan, you douche.

You buying a Lamborghini? No. But they sell them at this place. And this guy had a bag. And they were bringing out the money counter A money counting machine Yeah, like Scarface This is how they were going to buy a car

That's fantastic I guess if you're in the rap game, that's how they like to buy cars They like to just throw a duffel bag Full of cash And buy a car And then you're done You have to wait for the wire to come through no here you go i uh my my uh my i used to work with a business manager who

used to work with high-end sports uh high-end athletes and she's like oh like i was just like can we set this up or some transfer she's like no listen you'll never make my job as hard as trying to get a lamborghini dealer to open at midnight in Las Vegas, where a client wants to buy one. Oh, right. Like somebody wins. Yeah. And they go, hey, I want to buy a Lambo right now.

It's coked out of their fucking mind. I'm going to get married. I'm going to buy a Luma. Bright purple. Who is that? Picture this as Future. He's a rapper. This is him holding a million dollars in cash.

Future is very, very popular. There's Future. And it looks like He's got some stray hundreds In that ring finger Yeah That's slipping through his fingers Do you think he has

He has like a A fuck hole cut In the money Right He's fucking that money To really Well his pants are down very low As you notice

Good mate Good good point Yeah he might be Might have a fleshlight Impaled into that Stack of cash So he's got a million dollars in cash. How much did he have that?

Mike Tyson, back in the height of his heavyweight reign, he used to carry something like $20,000 on him at all times or something insane. That's normal, isn't it? For a rapper, $20,000 is a lot of money. But I'm talking the 80s. I remember reading that in an article as a kid and being like, Christ. And I went through

two thoughts. Isn't he afraid of getting robbed? Of course not. Of course not. Who's going to rob Mike Tyson? Like,

he's going to find you. Unless you kill him. He's going to find you. He's going to sit on you and punch your head until it's jelly. It says broke? Yeah.

That was after 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy, right? Because like, women were coming after him for child support. So he said he was bankrupt. But he also made hundreds of millions of dollars off of vitamin water.

Yeah, he made a killing with that vitamin water deal. Yeah, he's got some weird bankruptcy thing. It was child support? Is that what got him in the end? And vodka. Vodka? No, I don't think it got him. I think he was avoiding it.

He never should have rapped, have a baby by me, baby. Be a millionaire. I'll write the check before the baby comes. Who the fuck cares? That's what he said? He said that. You're setting yourself up there. I guess he cares.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, after a while, when you don't have a hit record out in like a decade, you're like, hey, this shit could dry up. Yeah. Like, maybe I need to go bankrupt and stop paying these ladies. Well, it's a cash-only business. He probably has it all hidden. I don't know what he did.

Like, the vitamin water thing isn't cash-only. I don't know how. I don't know how that guy went broke. How do you make hundreds of millions of dollars and then say you're bankrupt? I don't think he really is. I think your theory is probably sound of him just being like yeah i don't i think it was literally because of that like someone was trying to hit him up either for alimony or child support he was like i got an idea i'm just gonna hire some financial wizards to work their sorcery

yeah dig a hole bury it in the ground it is weird that people give people money like like you break up and you go okay well now you got to give them money like i get it if you have a child to support totally makes sense right but like if you dated someone for a couple years and then you married them and then while you're married you made a million dollars they didn't make anything yeah like hey i want half that money like what it's very strange we're not together anymore uh yeah yeah but But I want money Yeah I want money from you

It's like sorry Are you going to do Half my set On the road From now on? No no no But I want you to support My lifestyle

Oh I'm used to a certain lifestyle That's another thing That gets me That's People used to a certain lifestyle The guy The guy who

Joan Collins I don't know 16th husband or something I remember That was his thing in court Like Your honor My client has grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. And that was all over the news.

And I was just like, oh, come on, dude. Accustomed. Like, you can't change. You cannot change. Right. There's no way you could live a middle-class life anymore. Those days are done. Okay?

It's upward. It's upward. Only upward. Well, you probably can't fly anything less Than first class now Can you probably I fly Yeah I fly southwest sometimes

Oh you do Yeah Good for you Yeah It's just a fucking plane Yeah It's good Yeah

But I know people That if they have to sit Like I remember when During whatever Recession or something There was some video Of Puff Daddy Getting on a plane

And he was like He's like your boy Isn't flying private We gotta fix these problems man plane, and he was like, he's like, your boy isn't flying private. We've got to fix these problems, man. I've got to fly in first class. And he's like, why would I give a shit? Your boy isn't flying private.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it was amazing. Thank you for tweeting about this. I was worried about the government shutdown. Well, and yelling at, and this was like 10 years ago, but like yelling at whoever's filming him on TMZ, and I think about the person that's in like group D for that plane where they call you

and it's just like you and like a stray dog that gets let on the plane. Was he saying he wasn't flying private because the money wasn't flowing? Because the economy was low. Yeah. That was his point. Yeah. Yeah. And there's someone that's like,

ah, I use my last check to get on this plane to see about a job offer in Tulsa. Oh Jesus. He's one of those guys like he had some fucking billboard on sunset that was like can't stop won't stop right i was like i already thought you stopped i didn't know you didn't stop that's his line i thought i told you that we don't stop can't stop won't stop it's like yeah we told you that we don't stop we know you we you told us we thought you stopped i haven't seen you in a while You didn't stop?

Yeah What's he been doing? While he wasn't around He didn't stop What does he do? It was 2008 Because the gas prices were too high So he stopped flying private That's what it was

Thank you gas prices It wasn't Okay The economy Gotta fix his problems Yeah For Puff Daddy Or P. Diddy

Or whatever it is Like if I was playing stadiums Or something like that In 2008 And I got on a plane And yelled at it Like a TMZ thing And someone just creased my brow with a brick, like just hit me in the face. Right.

Earned. Completely earned. I don't think violence is the answer. That's true. Come on, man. I'm speaking dramatically, but, you know, it's almost like that guy, you ever been in line waiting in play and then someone just starts playing music and you're like, come on, man. Yeah. Like those rolling speakers.

Dude. Like a DJ or something. At the gym. This is the thing that guys do at the gym. They bring their own small speaker and overpower the music that's playing over the. No. Like, what the fuck is that? That happened to Tony and I in Toronto.

We were like, what the fuck is this? This guy's just playing this shitty music, like, really loud, like techno. Ugh. Brutal. Yeah. He brings his own music, and you got to listen to him because you're right next to the lat pull-down machine? Fuck you, man.

Well, earbuds. Yeah. Just buy some earbuds. People are weird, man. They're weird with their lack of appreciation for other people. Yeah. Well, the people that, like, watch their iPads watch their iPads or a phone and they watch something with the volume on, and I've twice, I'm not a very confrontational person, but I'm just like,

hey, can you put some earbuds in? And they're like, I don't have any. I'm like, turn the sound off. And they're like, they give me a look like I said something like, take your pants off. Makes you feel more calm if you would take your pants off. You know, like I said, something that insane. But they just look at me like, I got to, all right.

You're making people listen to your stupid shit. It's just, it's distracting. It's grating. What's weird is you'll go to a restaurant and you'll see two kids sitting opposite of each other

with iPads. They basically bring a portable television and they're both watching a different thing. Yeah. And it's like watching a different thing. Yeah. And it's like this sound. Yeah.

This conflicting sound of two child's programs. Yeah. Going back and forth. The kids on the opposite side of the table. And loud. I was at a restaurant the other day. And there was two children and two parents. And no one was talking to each other.

The dad was looking at his phone. Uh-huh. The wife was looking at her phone. Two kids were looking at iPads. No one was communicating. They just sit in there. Everyone looked depressed. They were all fat. They don't have game rooms anymore, though. When I was growing up, we would go to a restaurant,

get a dollar, game room for an hour until the food came. Yeah, a dollar for an hour? What kind of time were you living in? It was a quarter back then. You could play four games in an hour? I didn't lose. He was amazing.

He would kill it at Asteroids. You get free games too. Decent at Donkey Kong. Are you a pinball wizard? Nah, pinball's a little too old for me. Pole position. Ever since you were a young boy, you played a several ball. Yeah.

It's coming back for sure. There's leagues and all sorts. It's made of retro. Pinball is hard. I know a dude who goes, yeah, he plays in pinball leagues that's that's so impressive yeah he's got pinball machines at his restaurant that's amazing shit out of pinball to be good at something like that it's just uh it's fruitless there's no no it is fruitless but it's impressive you know it's like someone who's really good at Like lawn darts Nobody gives a fuck bro

There was a guy The king of lawn darts I'm the king of lawn darts bro Hey this is the world's strongest man That's great and all but I'm the king of lawn darts I fucking rule I've given my life to lawn darts bro Do you remember there used to be these big ass

Weaponized lawn darts Oh you could kill someone with them Lawn darts used to be like a small football with a dagger and it would just come straight down. Those like hatchet throwing

or like axe throwing places have made like a little bit of a not resurgence but I've seen them becoming popular now. They're in all the major cities. You know why?

Because girls in their underwear on Instagram are throwing hatchets. Yeah. Like Aubrey and his girlfriend Whitney are throwing hatchets at targets in their underwear.

And men need a new way to be violent during drinking. You know, like it's just throwing an axe. It's also very retro. Yes. Yeah, it's very Viking. Yeah. Yes. Axe throwing.

Do axes always land the right way? That's what always freaks me out. I feel like my handle would bounce off the wall and it would just fly somewhere weird. In a movie, the guy grabs the knife by the blade like this, and it always lands with the blade in the body. Imagine if someone threw a knife at you and the handle hit like this. You're like, oh, bitch, you just gave me a free knife. Thanks for throwing me this knife. Now I'm going to hold on to it with a death grip and slide it into your ribcage.

I heard you mention this yesterday about someone duels that were in a lot of duels. I heard a stat. I never knew about it that Andrew Jackson was in something like 100 duels. What?

He only killed one person. I thought he killed a lot of them. You usually get shot in the arm or like a musket ball would go like your leg or something. So the one where he killed the guy, he actually, it was,

I forget the actual guy's name, but he was known as being a really good duelist. He killed a lot of people, like 26 people or something like that. So he challenged this guy and he thought the only way to win would be to let him take the first shot. So he let him take the first shot, got hit in the chest, was bleeding, covered the hole and then shot the guy, and he died. Whoa. He shot him in the head.

He said he fell immediately and then died like a couple hours later. I don't know if he was the president at the time, but the doctor said, like, I don't know how you stood and took that shot. And he said, if he shot me in the brain, I was going to stand and take that shot to kill this guy. I don't know if he said, like, motherfucker or whatever, but, like. Andrew Jackson was crazy. He hated this guy. I don't know if he said, like, motherfucker or whatever, but, like, he hated this guy.

He was a crazy dude. Well, like, where the statue of him is in Jackson Square in New Orleans, there's that church that's behind it. And this is why New Orleans is supposedly the most haunted city is because they had the most duels. Because once Andrew Jackson contacted Jean Lafitte and was like, I need an army. And Jean Lafitte was basically a gangster, which is basically someone that can get you anything. Like, that's what a connected guy does. And so he got him freed slaves, Native Americans, Creoles, Cajuns, and just, you know, angry men. And they repelled the British, but then they stayed.

And they just lived in the bars. And they were duel happy because their egos were so big. And I've looked for these, and I can't find them. What they had was dueling cards where if you had one it would say joe rogan have your face you know probably that image and it would say you know dueling card and someone bumped into you and you were like you just give them your card and be like see you in the morning motherfucker and that means we're shooting it out whoa you would duel over nothing and the guy i went on this ghost tour and the guy taught me this told me this story

and he said imagine the amount of guys who were hungover, woke up like, oh, fuck, what did I do? I got a duel now. And you'd go behind that cemetery. That's where they'd have their duel. And imagine laying there with a bullet or a piece of round lead in your liver and going like, I'm dead over this shit. It's like I stepped on my foot.

They'd keep cards, like dueling cards. This is just like a picture of one. They also said that a lot of times the duel wouldn't actually happen. They might not actually shoot. It was more of a test of will. Who's going to run? Yeah, it was all honor.

They'd have to bring a second guy to verify that the duel actually went down and someone was a pussy or whatever. He's serious. He's like the judge of the event. He's got a book. He's laying odds. He's like, ah.

I think there's certain states where duels are legal. I think they're still legal in Arizona, or they used to be, because there was a cop who shot someone in a duel years back. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a weird thing. A cop was off-duty, and he shot someone in a duel. Oh, man.

I want to say this is more than 10 years ago, so maybe they changed the law. But I remember reading that going, what? You duel? That's insane. Texas? Well, yeah, of course. Fists only. What's that?

Fists? Fists only. Oh, that ain't a fucking duel. What is that? Mutual combat law. How do you take 10 paces in mutual combat law is that? Mutual combat law. How do you take ten paces and punch? Mutual combat law. Washington State has mutual combat law.

I just... Because I know... I watched a video of this dude who was a MMA fighter. He used to dress up like a superhero and fuck people up. And he would, like, stop people from committing crimes and then fight them. And in one video, Carlos Fodor, I think his name was. He was fighting someone in Seattle in front of cops. Like some guy agreed to fight him.

And then you see right away what a terrible idea it is. And he leg kicks the guy. And the guy's got this look on his face like, oh, my God, you actually know how to fight. Yeah. And he beats the shit out of this guy. Phoenix Jones. Phoenix Jones. Yeah, that's what he's called himself.

Phoenix Jones. But look how he dressed. But watch this. There's a video of it You can see it on that one too This is exactly Oh yeah yeah yeah So

The guy's like Fuck you I'll fucking kick your ass And this is in front of the cops He's like Fuck you And he's like You know

You think you're gonna Fuck And he's wearing This superhero costume on And he's Like give me some He's telling the backup The guy's walking towards

Ron University Way Between 45th and 47 Suspect wearing an orange shirt He's telling to back up The guy's walking towards him So you see him wearing that outfit And you think Oh I could kick this guy's ass For sure Fucking cosplay dork But watch that Skip ahead

He's like okay So the guy wouldn't stop badgering him And then finally But watch that. Skip ahead. He's like, okay. So the guy wouldn't stop badgering him. And then finally, in front of the cops, they agreed to let these dudes duke it out. Holy shit. That's it right there. Let it go there. Watch this.

Oh. That's when you know you made a mistake. Yep. That first leg kick. You see the guy moving around. And again, you got a useless. And he's trying to kick too. He jabbed him to the body. Oh, you fucked up.

Wow. God, this guy's life. Oh, that third leg kick. That third leg kick's a real problem. Oh, the fourth leg kick. Yep. That guy is basically hopping around on one leg now. Now it's a beating.

That's it. That's a wrap. Yep, that's it. Mutual combat is over. Mutual combat. You're right. Yeah, it's a mutual combat law. Holy shit. And cops are standing by watching this guy get brained yeah that's what's crazy is like it's very irresponsible for the cops because that's not a good fighting surface yeah well yeah they should have a padded area that they set aside

there's a there's a great line from a bakowski novel where these guys are all gathering after like a night out or something and this guy's hung over and he's just like he's like i heard you got in a fight and he's just like oh man that guy had to be a pro beat me so bad i shit myself like that line always gets me because it's that thing where it's like when you fight someone who's whatever okay it's a fight but like when you fight a pro it's just done well it's like playing basketball if you don't know how to play basketball yes what a terrible thing like if y'all play some one-on-one, then you don't even know how to dribble. Yeah, yeah.

And this guy's dunking on you. I'm like, shit. That's what it's like. Why did I agree to this? Is there a state where it's legal to duel? No. But there's no firearm duel? I don't know about the gun, no.

How long ago was it still legal? The late 1800s, I believe. Hmm. So maybe this guy did it. He was a cop. He had a duel with a guy who was fucking his wife. Whoa. Yeah.

So what's up? He just killed the guy? I don't know. I don't remember the story entirely. He definitely killed somebody. Jesus. He was a cop. I remember the whole story being that it was very controversial, but it was legal.

Maybe I'm remembering it all fucked up. Hmm. Might've been more than 10 years ago. Five places. Five places where it's okay to shoot somebody? Not the United States. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's like international waters. International waters. You can have a duel on like a cruise ship. Sure. How's that work? Like if you're on one of them carnival cruises and some guy insults your name and throws jello at you the laws of the ship are which i didn't think of that like i i know about the international waters but like a cruise ship would be out and

that's nuts you know what i'm worried about cruise ships that i would be on the deck when some guy throws his wife off off the side of the boat right and you got to do something like oh because like that does happen yeah oh yeahband and wife went on a cruise. The wife went missing. I don't know what happened. I went to bed early. Patricia kept partying. Yeah, we had an argument, but we were deeply in love.

And we had a couple of drinks. I know people saw us screaming, and I might have slapped her a couple times. But boy, I love her and her disappearing. And what's fucked up, I learned from a buddy of mine who was on he was with the second city tour touring company or turco and they were on a cruise ship and he was telling me that they found out that like all the food you don't eat they grind it all up and just shoot it out in the water so that attracts game fish and the game fish attracts sharks so anytime there's a there's a cruise ship there's just sharks all the time all the time really yeah so so if you went

overboard there that's not there's not a lot of hope oh good christ yeah did you see that video of that woman in hawaii swimming around with the largest known great white shark no it's amazing it's a more than 20 foot long great white shark and it's not like guesswork she's just swimming around swimming with it yeah in the water swimming with it yeah she's got uh an instagram page just filled with photos of her and this shark fuck off oahu it's so big it's so big it doesn't even look real and she's just swimming alongside this thing it's a female shark it's like 20 20 feet long at least so she just saw it and just swum up i think she's like uh an expert oh okay see if you can find that i got stuck in another article about the dual sorry to go back but uh sorry there's a u.s uh oregon

has a law that they were trying to get rid of two years ago i don't know i'm trying to find out where they are why's that guy got his gun where his dick is that's a that's a bad holster sir but it's still that uh here republicans have proposed to scrap 172 year old ban on duels for public officials i think they're trying to highlight how many arcane laws are still upheld by the state constitution that's where i'm from i never knew i could have been dueling all this well no they're they're they're trying to scrap the ban So they're trying to reinstate bans To let people know how stupid these old laws are

They're still in the books They decided it would not be very civil If two members of the legislature Disagreed and then shot each other On the front steps of the provisional capital It's a bad look It's a bad look Yeah

It'd kind of be cool though to see like ted cruz and paul ryan yeah standing on back to back yeah they have to use the muskets with one cock and that's it yes one shot that's it i like in the upper right hand corner maga hat boy refuses to apologize in an infuriating interview. That kid looked drugged and coached. Like he was just... Probably both. Yeah. They probably put him on some Prozac.

Yeah. Get out there, little fella. Apparently that Native American guy, though, they did an interview with him and it was a disaster because he said a bunch of things that just absolutely weren't true and they're questioning whether or not he actually was in Vietnam. He definitely didn't serve in Vietnamietnam but he wasn't in combat right but you know he had some some conflicting stories okay yeah none of these people were prepared for this kind of attention you know it's like i i was offended as as hell by those kids and i'm a

fucking big old bleeding heart lefty for sure and i hate those those fucking hats but like i i in the state at the same time every teenage boy is a fucking idiot everyone you know and like it's but those boys were standing there doing their school chants while these there's a long video and the video is two hours long i haven't watched it yeah but i've watched segments of it and in the segments of it you see those native american guys walk up to those boys and chant with their drums. So they're all there for different reasons. Yeah. So the boys were there for the March for Life, which is a pro-life march.

Right. And they're from a Catholic school. Yeah. And they're wearing their stupid red hats. And then the Native American guy was there for a different reason. Yeah. Well, there were a couple. It was a Native American celebration that's there yearly.

And you'd think they'd coordinate these things. Because there's all these different sort of marches going on. And that's our right as citizens. But it's just that they're all the Lincoln Memorial together. Well, not only that, these boys did not have a good chaperone. These boys were wild. They yelled. They said something like, it's not rape if you enjoy it yeah one kid yelled that and again by the way there's 40 kids one if you have

one asshole kid doesn't mean everybody should be beat up because one of your stupid fucking classmates says something really dumb because he thinks he's funny and he's 15 i sat in an assembly once where a friend of mine was in like uh in chicago and a friend i was doing a play and they were doing like a scene from the play on stage and a woman would come on stage and they would these kids these boys i'm behind him and they're saying the worst shit i i can imagine yeah and it was just like jesus christ yeah and it was it's that it's that it's the race to the bottom with boys oh yeah who can say the worst thing i can right i can yeah i can yell the n word you know yeah this thing where shows your t can yeah i can yell the n word you know

yeah this thing where shows your tits yeah they're just trying to make a lot of and it's because what's the worst thing rape right so this kid's gonna yell something about rape it's it's uh they're children yeah yeah i do feel they need better supervision but but here's the thing they do for sure but they shouldn't be judged publicly on a global scale like this. It's not fair. Yeah. I mean, I disagree with pretty much everything them and their parents stand for and stuff, but it's their right to demonstrate.

You know what I mean? But they're not. I mean, look, they're too young to know what the fuck they're even demonstrating about. Sure. To really have a good argument about it like to bring kids to a pro-life demonstration have them chant and yell their school songs and and put on maga hats like the whole thing is so fucked up it's really well we're i mean back to what i said about anxiety it's just we're at each other's fucking throats and like i mean i have a bit in my act

about how like um i i feel like the internet was built for us to tear each other apart because we're just throwing darts and running away and and if you put us in a room together and talk it out we i think we i think we would mano a mano and things like you know because we all want the same thing yeah deep down inside we all want to take care of our kids we all want to have fun we all want a bountiful life you know but i also say like i'm also like i love people but i fucking hate people like it's like you know it's like if you go through a whole day without speaking to another human being you ever had one of those days yeah fuck that was awesome isolation that was delicious it's only if you have too much though right if you get get around people too much then those days where you just you could just recharge yeah and then

you appreciate people when you see them yeah and like do you get that where you where you go you're on the way to the comedy store and you're like i want to fucking go like i don't want to go up right now i'm like something's messed with me but it's like that with therapy comedy sometimes and the gym sometimes where it's like i don't want to fucking go but every time i'm glad i did you know what i mean yeah i know what you're saying i could i could have a set where i'd eat shit and i'll drive home laughing and i'm just like well that didn't work the thing that bothers me most about this is that they want to dox these kids and put their address out there i'm not in favor of that ever it's just so foolish ever they're treating them like they're rational adults that are you know fucking 50 years old that really know what they're

doing no and it's not going to solve anything. You're not going to convert these kids' hearts and minds by ruining their lives. No. I do understand the double standard we have had with black youth, though, where it's kind of like this kid gets strangled to death

for selling cigarettes. People are like, yeah, he's a criminal. It's like, god damn it. Whereas these kids, honestly, because they're white, are getting chance after chance after chance.

But I don't think their lives should be ruined. It's like I feel like we've talked enough about it. These kids did what they did. Let's move on. Yeah, well, then, you know, who knows if they're getting chance after chance. But during this situation, like, this is the consequences of social media, the fact that you could take a video of someone doing something incredibly stupid when they're 16 years old. Oh, yeah.

And what they did was not even that stupid. All he is stand there and smirk and people wanted him dead he was being a he's being a shithead but like i okay but was he if he's just standing there and someone comes up to him beating a drum how are you supposed to react i feel like how do you think you would react i feel like the kid walked up to the native americans though incorrect incorrect the kid was standing there the native american walked up to him beating the drum okay walked got another video that's not what happened what do you mean the guy was standing there. The Native American walked up to him beating the drum. Okay. Walked, got run up to his face. That's another video. That's not what happened.

What do you mean? The guy was standing, that kid wasn't in the video while the Native American gentleman was standing there pounding his drum. And there are kids around him, but that kid, the main kid wasn't there. He walked, he ended up walking up to him. Yeah. Okay. But with the video that I saw, the kid was standing there and that guy walked up to him.

Here's the thing. This is two hours. There's video of these people that's two hours long. And the video that I saw, those kids were standing there chanting and that guy walked to those kids and was beating his drum. If that one specific kid walked down, but still that guy instigated it by walking to them beating the drum. Not only that, that guy gotigated it by walking to them, beating the drum. Not only that, that guy got in that kid's face and beat that drum inches away from his face.

But I thought that, see, I'm only talking about that kid. I thought that kid walked up to the Native American guy. I'm not sure. The Native American guy walked up to the whole group of kids. See, to be fair, I haven't seen all of that video. The Native American guy said that they were saying, build that wall, build that wall, but there's no evidence of that. Okay.

The guy, the problem is the guy's a human. Yeah. The Native American guy's a human, right? Yeah. And he's probably not prepared at all for this kind of scrutiny. No way. No one is. There's a lot, there was an interview that he did with CNN that is just full of holes.

Okay. And it doesn't match up to the video. It doesn't match up to what happened. It's like, there's all, you could pull that video, full of holes. Okay. And it doesn't match up to the video. It doesn't match up to what happened. It's like, there's all, you can pull that video, pull that article. Well, I'm looking for the video. But you try to find that article,

the CNN article. There was an article about the article that I read. Either way. Yeah, I'm just inundated at this point with all of it. I will say, like, you know, I've said for years probably

15 20 years now i'm so glad youtube did not exist when i was in high school oh my god because you're just you're just a dip book yeah twitter the things you would say on twitter or snapchat or any of those things yeah and i mean i i did not grow up like you know my parents generation I did not grow up like my parents' generation being mildly racist if you're white. I grew up pretty woke, as the kids say, in Portland, Oregon. Well, you were in Chicago. Chicago's pretty left-wing. Well, Chicago, I wasn't there until I was born in Chicago, but I grew up in Portland.

Oh, that's even more woke. Yeah. But it was also, it's funny, we had right-wing Nazi groups moving in when I was in high school, gangs from L.A. and then from Central Oregon and further toward Idaho. You had this guy named Metzger who had like a little camp you could go and party in. If you've seen American History X, it was just like that. You'd drink free beer and they play punk rock music and the thing that everyone misses when they look at those groups be it a gang or a white supremacist skinhead group or whatever it's it's it's a community first for people and that's where they look at it first and then they they form communities sadly over focusing hate but i just feel like the kids back here. Yeah. Which kid?

So they're all... They walked up to him banging the drums. That's the kid there. And he's standing there. Yeah. Okay. There's a kid. He's walking up to him now. Right, but he's just standing there.

The guy walked right up to him. You're showing me in the video the guy walking up to the kid. This is exactly what I said, Jamie. He walked right up to the kid. My point here was this is the video I saw. I mean, aren't these kids all mocking the traditional Native American music and rhythms, though? But Jamie, that Native American guy just walked up to that kid and got in his face.

It's as clear as day. I was just bringing up this angle here. He's standing here. There's a group of kids around him. The kid's way over here. You're micromanaging this thing. It doesn't make any sense. This is the worst Supreme film. The guy walked up to the kids. He walked a group of kids around him. You're micromanaging this thing. It doesn't make any sense. This is the worst

film. They walked up to the kids. He walked up to the kids. And he walked up to that kid specifically. Got in his face. There was a certain amount of separation between them. He walked to the kid and got in his face while he's beating the drum. Play it again. Watch. I'm playing it right now.

He's walking. He's walking and the kid's standing there. And when the kid's standing there, he walks up to the kid. And they're doing the tomahawk chop. Tomahawk chop. They think it's funny. Do they understand that people are filming? They don't.

So here he goes. The whole thing is so strange. So strange. Because what are you supposed to do when someone walks up to you beating a drum? So there's the kid. The kid's standing there. And the Native American guy now walks up to him completely violating his space. Now imagine if this is a man doing this to a woman.

You'd say, okay, he's violating her space 100%. This is fucked up and aggressive. And that's what this guy's doing. He's singing in this kid's face. It's a little kid kid and what is the kid supposed to do i don't know should he walk away should he say i'm sorry that someone in the past stole your ancestors land what is he supposed to do yeah i mean it's no i'm not saying yes do that you know i'm saying what is the like the question is what does a kid do but i mean these it, he's, I get why this guy's approaching, because it's a river of people mocking him and his culture.

I get it, but why this one kid? And why get right in this guy's face where you're beating a drum inches from this kid's face? Yeah, that is the question. And, well, look, it's the fucking hat, man. That goddamn polarizing stupid hat. I hate that hat so much. Look, he's even closer to him he's put the drum off to the side so he can get closer to this kid's face i mean is he

expecting the kid to walk away i don't know but the kid doesn't do anything but so he's blinking because the the beating of the drum is so close to his eyes it's weird. The whole thing is very weird. It's so weird. He's staring that kid down. I mean, why wouldn't he walk away? Just to defy him? Why would he? I don't know. Everyone else walked away.

Does he have to? Doesn't have to. I mean, he's standing there, and the guy decides to get in his face. Do you think you would walk away? Probably. Maybe. If someone walked up on me, I would definitely move, I think. I would probably move, too, because I would be scared.

If that guy got in my face like that, I'd think that guy was going to hit me. I would think something is going to go wrong. I'm like, this is just too weird. Yeah, but it's not the kids. He's 16, man. It's a grown-up's fault for getting in a 16-year-old kid's face, beating a drum. Yeah. It's that fucking hat, man.

Yeah, but it's also the Native American man rightly felt like he was being mocked yeah and then his traditions and his his heritage is being mocked and these little kids yeah i mean i don't think he had the right to walk up on the kid like that but it's like where where's your breaking point well wait a minute i don't think he doesn't have the right but this is where confrontation comes from. Do you have the right to make confrontation? Yeah, maybe, perhaps. Maybe, perhaps. But that's not really the best way to communicate.

You're singing a song, a Native American song, and he doesn't know what the fuck you're singing. Right. And you're doing it inches from his face. Yeah. And everyone's... It's really a sign of the times that people took clips of that, and they made it out like this little kid's a cunt, and even Reza Aslanlan had on his have you ever seen a more punchable face like man that's you're calling for violence on a kid is that what you're doing it's it's it's the same uh you know level of and

again you know those kids like even when you were pulling that clip up i could feel my stomach make a fist from like oh that's just i don't want to see this but you know uh like it it's like that dude that that that his that that kid at the cub game who had the game in his in his earphones and he caught the ball which the outfielder was definitely not going to catch anyway and they blamed him for the cubs loss of the series and they had to squirt that kid out yeah and i thought the kid reached forward though he did, but if you look at the tape, I don't think that outfielder had it. The outfielder was pointing, like, you fucked up, kid. Like, you ruined it.

And it was kind of this, well, I understand when you're playing Major League Ball, one mistake can mean the end of your career and your family's out. I don't know, man. I think that's different. When I saw that, I thought that kid fucked up the game. It could be argued, yes. Do you know what I'm talking about? Absolutely.

Yeah, but that's like you're saying it's blaming one tiny play on the entire game. It could be argued, yes. Do you know what I'm talking about? Absolutely. Yeah, but that's like, you're saying it's blaming one tiny play on the entire game and you can't do that. And the fact that, back to what your point of punch the kid in the face, that kid had to be escorted

out of Wrigley Field because people were going to kill him. Right. There were drunk people that were going to throw that kid into traffic. Can we see that video of the guy catching that ball?

Yeah, please pull that up. I think that kid actually did fuck up that game. I think the difference is that kid reached into the playing field. What he did was definitely wrong and illegal and everything. Yeah, let's check it out. Tail the tape. Crack.

There's the ball. It's going. It's going. It's going. Wait a minute. Let me see it one more time. Back that up. more time back that up. No, no, but just back it up. Okay, so slow, okay? I mean, I think I take it back. I had I had I think there one more time I think I remembered it wrong oh yeah

they stole it from him they stole it from him fuck I take it all back he had the ball I take it all back that kid fucked it up yeah they literally did

he took it he literally took it from him in the playing field ah you little cunt he's got spray on him people probably threw beers on him probably but but but it was the thing of like threatening a kid's life that's crazy but also it's like if you're a kid

and the ball's right there yeah you're gonna reach for it you're not gonna be thinking this guy's gonna catch or not gonna catch it's like you have a chance to catch the ball it's right there yeah you're gonna catch it yeah did you see that clip from uh letterman like from like i don't know 30 years ago or something and he just there was a it was like the lineup was this famous person this famous person then just a rando like a name you're like who and he brought this guy out and it was like a middle-aged guy in a ball cap and he's like letterman's like you know i just i think you're the greatest living american and the guy's like, Letterman's like, you know, I just, I think you're the greatest living American. And the guy's like, ah, well. And he's like, roll the tape.

And they show just like that, home run. And it's going, it's going, it's going. And this guy just has a beer and he's not looking. And you hear the announcer go, oh, my God. And the ball hits the beer. And the guy's like, oh, he gets hit. And he's like, oh, shit. And everyone's kind of laughing at him.

He's like, home run. There goes my beer. And then innings later, same line, same run, same guy. And the announcer goes, you have got to be kidding. And the ball just hits the same guy, like, again, like twice, same game. Letterman had him on. And it was like, you know, minor league or something like that. It wouldn't be on, like, the nightly news, but it was just like, what are the fucking odds?

How many people have ever been hit in the head by a line drive? I would imagine that would fuck you up. That would hurt. Like, you'd be so. You'd probably never be the same again. No. Because when I was a kid, Tony Canigliaro in Boston during the Red Sox, it was actually like I was very young at the time. It might actually have happened before I lived there, but it was like the story that everybody was told.

He got hit in the head with a pitch, and he was never the same again. And it was one of the reasons why they started wearing batting helmets. There was a kid who got hit in the chest and his heart stopped. Oh. Yeah, because that doesn't happen that often but it just it just makes your heart just go whoop it just knocks it out oh jesus it's a rock it's a rock covered with leather you know i mean you feel a hard ball that fucking thing is dense uh-huh yeah i mean soccer was originally kicking a head around but that's what in aztec culture um they would yep like it was after like a battle

they just take a head and kick it around and that was like where the game is that where soccer came from what from what i've read yeah i knew they had some weird mayan game where they they played football and mayan that's what i'm thinking oh okay yeah and i think that they decided they used to think that they played and then the winner sacrificed the losing team and now there was also some speculation that it could have been the opposite that the winning team was sacrificed it was like but i might have been the fucking slowest game ever oops ball got by me you know you scored again But the idea was that you would play with such courage, knowing that you were going to win and then you were going to get killed,

but you still wanted to win. Yeah, the level of honor that it was had to be so high. My family will never want for anything ever again, so I'm just going to. Or the level of drugs you were taking to play that game that way. It's like, you know, assassin comes from Hashishin, you know, where this guy would just. Really? Yeah. Is this guy in what we call the Middle East, basically.

He was like, how do you kill a king? You got to get an assassin who doesn't care if he dies. And so what? Get him high on hash? He built a garden of delights where he had naked women just hanging around like prostitutes and like flowing waterfalls and he would just get a peasant and smoke him up so much and he was like do you want to see heaven and he'd be like yeah and he'd take him in the room and be like check it out and he's like i have the door to heaven and if you kill

the sultan in the town square tomorrow you're here And so a guy would just run up and stab this guy to death and the guard would murder him. But that was how you get a guy. You trick a person. Whoa. So it's kind of like, it's probably the same thing where that level of drugs where you're like, if I win, they cut my head off, but I go to Valhalla or whatever their version of heaven is. Human sacrifice is always such a strange thing. Yeah. You don't say.

The idea of giving sacrifice, like a living life to the gods. Yeah. This was such a common thing. Yeah. Kill people for somebody else. It's common. It's like going to the game. Are you going to go watch that guy get his heart torn out?

Yeah. I'm going to take my kid, get some popcorn, a couple Bud Lights. That guy get his heart torn out? Yeah. I'm going to take my kid, get some popcorn, a couple Bud Lights. I was reading that book, it's not Primate. What is it called? Sapiens. Sapiens.

Sapiens. Sapiens. Yeah, Sapiens. And there's a story about certain cultures that would kill the older people. They would kill like, and this guy would kill a few of his aunts, and all the old women were terrified of him because he would sneak up behind them when they got too old because they were gatherers.

They were nomadic people. And he would hit them with an axe. And they're talking to these people, and I'm like, Jesus Christ. Imagine you're going to kill your aunt with an axe? Well, then imagine getting to a certain, like your birthday party. You blow out the candles and you just spin around. Fuck off. Get away from me.

Yeah. You're just expecting this guy. Yeah. One of the craziest stories that I ever heard was during the temple, I think you say at Teotihuacan, one of the large Aztec temples, when they completed the temple, they sacrificed something like 80,000 people over the course of two days yeah but pull that up temple of tia con i think it's um outside of mexico city and when the aztecs constructed this when it was finally completed

they essentially sacrificed all the slaves that were used to build it. Oh, my God. Yeah, so they just covered this fucking gigantic temple with blood of 80,000 people that they butchered on the spot. Yeah, oh, God. Over days. It took days to kill everybody.

Yeah, that's a lot of butchering. That's a lot of murder. That's exhausting levels of that's a lot of butchering that's a lot of murder that's that's that's that's exhausting levels of yeah it's so much so that i i told a friend this story and he was like that's not true i'm like i'm telling you it's true why would i lie he's one of those guys that's doing the math i had to like to we had to get to a place where their service and google it yeah it's it's just daunting yeah 80 000 people and these are the very people that built the thing well i mean that was the way that's what they do oh we're done all right kill them well that was um one of the the weirder things about uh going to chichen itza was there's this one platform that was just designed

for sacrifice wow they'd kill people on this platform and it's like it was set up like a bench like there's legs and a head like someone's holding this bench in place they would just chop a head off and roll down the fucking stairs yeah probably like a little a little head slide kind of thing what do you think the fascination with that is like this this idea of killing someone to appease the gods and was it because everyone was afraid to die so that when you could force someone to do it in front of everyone, force someone to die in front of everyone

and sacrifice them, it would just, as long as it was like there was enough distance between you and them, there would be this charge of excitement. Very Machiavellian, for sure. It's, you know, power perceived is power achieved.

If you see anyone can die, you fall in line real fast right and i think it's also the the unpredictability of life itself so it's like hey look we're gonna kill 80 people but we're gonna have no no storms for the next couple months right like it's no one i know yeah fuck them especially if you have some like elder who like some shaman who tells you that this is the only way we're going to stop the storms. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. People believe fucking anything. Did you get to Tempo Teocan? I finally found it. It says somewhere between, there's a recorded article in 2011. Pull it up. The story today. 84,000 people.

But it says this is a disputed number. Could be down to 4,000 maybe. The number's disputed, however, some say as few as 4,000 were sacrificed in what was actually a re-consecration of the Templo Mayor in 1487. Nevertheless, scores were killed. Jeez. So one thought is 1487, the Aztecs recorded that 84,000 people were slaughtered in four days. Self-sacrifice was common and individuals would pierce their ears, tongues, and genitals to nourish the floors of the temples

with their blood. Unsurprisingly, there is evidence that Mexico was already suffering from a demographic crisis before the Spanish arrived. Yeah, the Spanish probably came in at the perfect time. Yeah.

This is how you say it. The Great Pyramid of Tenochtitlan. Tenochtitlan. Tino Chitlan. Is that how you say it? That seems... Tino Chitlan. Phonetic. That seems like...

I've seen that written differently. Phonetically, I think it'd be Tino Chitlan. Tino Chitlan. Tino Chitlan. Does it tell you how to say it? Me. Me. Whoa.

Cool. I don't know what that means how do you say that? te no chitlan I think that's the Mexican pronunciation that's why it says that I'm not sure though

te no chitlan yeah I think that's right te no chitlan yeah come up with better names bro yeah anyway a lot of people

Jesus it also said those games that they were playing where the people were decapitated they might have been. It also said those games that they were playing were, the people were decapitated. They might have been rigged. They weren't sure if they were rigged,

but they might have just been faked games to kill people. Whoops, I lost. I mean, there's got to be a team that people like better. They're more fun, those guys. Yeah, they live. Yeah. These are the guys you want around. You've got to sell tickets.

I mean, we kill those guys. We blow, you know, we've got no one in the stadium screw up the whole game it is weird that all cultures agree that um one of the best ways to appease the masses to have these large sporting events yeah people gather around to watch this mock warfare take place yeah yeah uh uh like how the the when when shaka zulu came in they were just fighting like mock wars and they were just like with fake you know swords and and then spears and he just ran out sort of stabbing people and they're like what are you doing and he's like i'm trying to win yeah it doesn't work that way bro we're trying to fake it yeah yeah like if if we escalated past like football and football, like something way more violent came along. Yeah.

But not quite war, like duels. Jesus. It's like I'm glad we're not there. As much as I have my problems with like concussions and football and stuff. And it's just, yeah, I guess that's a good like what what's what'd be the next thing you can kind of get away with playing football if you get out early enough yeah but even they they're saying that even kids in high school have cte yeah yeah it's brutal do you see what they do in russia where they those five-on-five MMA fights? They have gang fights.

They meet on football fields. Yes. Russians are always taking it to the next level. I saw that one you put up somewhere in Eastern Europe, and it's just one big bald bull-looking guy fighting five guys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's Russian, too. Good Lord.

Yeah, these couple guys decided to try to take on a giant. Yeah, that guy was a giant. That guy was like a dude That like breaks rocks And like Fee-fi-fo-fum I smell the blood of an Englishman Fee-fi-fo-fum Yeah

That's The kids even learn that story anymore The fee-fi-fo-fum Probably yeah Why don't they write some new ones Why are we telling these old ass stories Yeah I love

Did you see that movie about the About the The troll hunter Where that guy like goes out into like the, the, into Scandinavia

and he hunts trolls and there's actual giant monster trolls. Oh yeah, I remember that movie. That was a fun, stupid movie. It was fun

and one thing I loved about it was it was just like, are any of you a Christian? Tell me right now. Right now. And they're like, no. And there's one guy

who like secretly was and the troll could smell his blood. I smell the blood of an englishman i was like oh that's such an awesome angle oh wow you know it's just like that's because he's like he's like a scientist he's like i know what these guys are after they want to chew up christian people see if you can find find the clip for the trailer for troll hunter because it's so stupid it's so it's a good movie to get high and watch. Yeah. Well, I love stuff that's like, there's a

giant thing in the distance, like, coming. That's a big thing. If I'm high, where I'm just like, what if King Kong just came from behind that building right now? Yeah, give me some volume. Sometimes you get to see a unique film. Imagine there really

were trolls. Just eating goat's meat. Imagine if there really were trolls. It's just eating ghosts. Yeah, this is like a foreign film. Yeah, it's somewhere in, I think, Norway. No. No. well that's a lot of people think it says do you think michael moore gave up after the first try yeah documentary like yeah yeah exactly they're doing like a blair witch project thing but with trolls yeah yeah but give me a little distance in this i'm tired of seeing this build up i want

to see the fucking troll yeah they show it the trailer yeah for sure they don't see it's wrecked I'm Christian I love that he just mushed that guy Oh, so many trolls. Oh, that's rad. I love that. I love monsters. I love monsters.

If there was something that big, we would have never gotten to where we are. We'd all be holed up in caves right now. Yeah. Well, they'd probably be like the tech millionaires are like the guys who control one of those. He's just sitting on his head, and he's like, kill those you know crush that house you know so you think it would be tech millionaires that would do that no but like the people that are the richer richest person no it would not be a tech person you i think you would have a troll you'd be sitting on a troll wow yeah you weird weird opinion of me zuckerberg he would have a troll he would he would pay someone to like train a troll or something

like that you find like a troll trainer and then let me ask you that are you worried at all about ai yes are you oh yeah in what way uh i just wonder when it's going to get out of our control because it's the technology is escalating beyond our comprehension but yet you drive a Tesla. Yeah, I do. So you're contributing to it a little bit. A little bit, yeah. I mean, it's, I, look. We all are. It's, you know, I am a dipshit in a lot of ways. I'm an idiot in a lot of ways.

And I'm just like, I know you can hack a Tesla. I know you can. Yeah, but they're awesome. Yeah, no. I mean, if you guys drive a car. I love it. They're apparently not doing so well. There was some article that I read today where they were talking about the letter that Elon Musk sent to all the people that work for him saying that you're going to have to work harder, but our goal is to try to save the world.

Yeah. Like, dude, nobody wants to hear that shit when they work for a company. I mean, and really? That's not what you were going for before. Well, I think his goal is ultimately to reduce our attachment to fossil fuels, which can help save our environment. I'm definitely with that. Cut way down on factory farming with meat. I'm all in favor with all that all that stuff and and making way more things electrics like why don't we have solar panels on literally everything well especially

california yeah i mean we have sun everywhere everywhere and we have an amazing source of light but apparently you know there's a lot of money involved i know this sounds crazy there's a lot of money involved in staying with the grid as it is. Sure. They've got to keep those nuclear power plants running. We love them so much. Driving to San Diego. Sightseeing.

Well, the old ones, they didn't even have a way to shut down. Like, old power plants, when they would make them, they can't stop them. They probably figured, we'll figure it out eventually. Yeah. Let's put it off. Yeah. One day. One day we'll figure it out. Someone smarter than us will come along they'll fix it yeah you when you you really hear about natural disasters

and solar flares and asteroid impacts you just realize how fucking fragile this weird system that we have of a power grid and satellites to distribute information and the internet is actually a bunch of wires on the ocean floor that connect us to europe like what there's wires that are 4 000 miles long really yeah yeah yeah that it's it's it's kind of like the human body like it's remarkably resilient but it's so fragile yeah super fragile yeah one infection and that's a wrap. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yet if someone's drunk enough they can fall off a building and hit everything going down and land like something made a nerf and get up. Sometimes, right? Like I've watched a video

of a guy who was in a high-speed chase with the cops and he had a Corvette and he flipped a Corvette and literally went flying out of it like he was a doll.

I saw that. Head over heels, head over heels. That guy was fine. Yeah. Landed on his back on the desert floor. What? You got some volume playing in the background, Jamie.

I hear that. Oh, there it is. I could hear it, too. I'm glad you could hear that, too. Those things, they just pop up every now and then. There's just been a radio interference I've been hearing sometimes, and I can't tell if you guys are hearing it, too. Oh, really?

I've heard it a couple times, but no one'll just mention you ever heard of songs in your feelings Some people have recorded that they they hear radio sounds in their feelings like they They pick up Wavelengths. Yeah, like you're filling will somehow or another. Yeah catch some radio sound and play it in your fucking... How maddening would that be? That would be so awful. You'd hear like Mexican radio station playing out of your mouth. Yeah. No!

You'd have a fucking plier to your mouth in the middle of the night so you could sleep. Oh, that'd be fucking brutal. Well, listen, dude. Your special, when it comes out, will be available in February. Yeah, February 5th. And it'll be available everywhere. Yes, sir. You'll be able to get it on...

Tell me all the places. Amazon. Amazon, iTunes, Google Play. I think it's going to be on Steam, weirdly enough, the video game platform. It's going to be all over the place. You can stream it. You can buy it.

It's going to come out in vinyl eventually. Vinyl? Yeah. You put it it. You can buy it. It's going to come out in vinyl eventually. Vinyl? Yeah. You put it on vinyl? I always put a couple, probably about a thousand out in vinyl if people want them. Really?

Yeah. I mean, it's called Finally Live in Portland and the whole title is like fake tattoos, like the dummies from Portland. Where'd you film it? At the Paris, a former porn theater in downtown Portland. Oh, they had a porn theater?

When I was a kid, there were always like, you know, sluts and butts and stuff like that on the marquee. And then it was, yeah, see? So that'll be the cover of the vinyl. That helium in Portland is amazing. I love that club. That fucking place is great. I told them where to put it.

They were like, where would you put a comedy club? I was like, southeast Portland, close to the water, so people who live on the west side can come across the bridge really easy. You'll have a lot more space that way. uh yeah they've they've they've kept it running strong it's and it's awesome it's a great place to perform man yeah yeah it's a great that's another one that's designed with the low ceiling yeah you know it's well set up and you got to come on advice from a dipshit okay because it's you would kill it okay i can see i'm good at giving shitty advice yes all right yeah man perfect yeah well thank you brother Dude this is a joy

Thanks for having me Tell people how to get a hold of you It's just Bronger On Instagram Yeah and Twitter Just B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R And then MattBronger.com

For all my shows That's it Bye everybody Thanks Joe Thank you That was great That was fun Yeah

Good time