The Joe Rogan Experience - #124 - Michael Schiavello (Part 2)

Episode Date: July 24, 2011

Joe sits down with Michael Schiavello.

still sexual because of society because of that's why women think of women as being sexual it's like women will make out with women and party with women and part of it is because they think that guys like it but also part of it is because in our society it has been deemed that women are more sexual they're more sex objects they use them to sell watches and cars and shit like that it's like it's more natural and accepted so i think a gay guy would have way less problems fucking a straight girl than a straight guy would have fucking a gay guy. You know what I mean? Okay.

So if you said to a gay guy, fuck a girl, he'd probably do it quicker than a hetero guy would fuck another guy in the ass, even though he'd fuck his girl in the ass. Unless the hetero guy was in prison. And then it's a whole different ballgame because those guys will say, well, I'm not gay. I just need to put my cock in something. Yeah, that's a strange thing, isn't it?

How much humans adapt. They adapt so much that straight people become gay while they're in jail. Dude, if I was in jail, I'd become the best masturbator on the planet. I'd fucking get artwork, man. I saw a shank that someone made

out of toilet paper. What? They don't know exactly how the dude did this, but he somehow or another created a shank and used something to harden the toilet paper like a paper mache shank dude it was the weirdest thing ever i mean just you think about human ingenuity and one of the things about prison is these guys are forced to adapt and survive and you know and kind of use their ingenuity use their creativity and create things

and no one that's why they develop tattoo needles. They take pens and they take the ink and they'll burn things and use the... They melt them down. They'll make ink. They'll make their own ink out of burning plastic and burning paper. And then they figure out how to make some sort of a machine with a battery. It's really kind of amazing some of the things that people have done in jail. But this was one of the weirdest man

the guy made a weapon out of toilet paper and he attacked someone with it or did he found it I think they found it but they don't they don't know

what the fuck this guy did to make the toilet paper hard but you know he had made it to the point where it was like plaster

like it was like he like he had developed a shank an actual shank out of toilet paper man that's one place I'd never want to end up

fucking in prison man I would not survive it's a dark fucking world man i know a dude who just got out this guy war machine you know war machine just got out like a few days ago right i saw him tweeting you yeah yeah about asking where you were playing yeah he got uh he got in some he said on twitter it wasn't a pretty experience of course not man it's horrible and that's just that's just small time shit that's just doing a year you know you watch those lockdown shows it's horrible and that's just that's just small-time shit that's just doing a year you know you watch those lockdown shows it's scary man there's a when i was in jersey for strike force i remember driving back to the airport i'm not sure if it was newark or jfk or whatever but on the way to the airport actually we you drove you drive past a prison yard and in australia like in

melbourne we have one prison oh we have barwin Prison now, which is in the country. It's like out of Melbourne. We used to have one right in the heart of the city, but now it's out. So I'm not used to seeing prisoners. And like we drove past a prison yard and like as you're driving past, the fucking fence to the prison is right there with prisoners walking around in fucking orange uniforms. And even though I was in a cab, I sort of shit myself. I'm just not used to seeing that.

Being from Australia, I'm like, fucking prisoners right there, right near the road. I can see them walking around. Prison is a big, big, big sign. The numbers of people in prison is a big sign that this society is a mess. If you ever wanted some real hardcore evidence as to how much of a mess our society is, our prison numbers are huge. More black men are in prison right now than were ever slaves. Really?

Yeah, I believe so. I might be wrong. I think that's true, though. And just the sheer numbers. There's millions of people. There's more people in jail in America than all of China, and that's incredible

when you consider China has over a billion people. There's way more people in jail here. Fuck. We have more people in jail than several countries. If you add up a bunch of different countries in a row, we have more people in jail than several countries. Like if you add up a bunch of different countries in a row,

we have more people in jail than them. Fuck, that is amazing. Well, they make money off of it. That's the sickest part about our jail system is that we have private prisons. How crammed must the jails be though?

Very crammed. And they're building more of them all the time. And they're arresting people on more and more silly shit all the time. Well, what's the one in San Quentin?

Yeah. So we did a tour in San Francisco a few days ago and the tour guide pointed out San Quentin and Yeah. So we did a tour in San Francisco a few days ago, and the tour guide pointed out San Quentin, and he said it looks like there might be a possibility it's going to be sold soon. A prison is going to be sold.

San Quentin prison, the land is going to be, the prison is going to close down. They'll relocate a prison somewhere else and tear it all down and build like San Quentin estate, put houses on it, where San Quentin is at the moment. He says there's a really good chance of that happening. Who the fuck would want to live over all that gay rape?

Dude, it is in Melbourne the same. Pentridge Jail, that's what I was trying to think of before, was in Coburg, which is in Melbourne's inner northern suburbs, which has become quite a trendy spot at the moment.

Used to be just a big ethnic spot, still is, but now a trendy spot. And that's where Pentridge Prison was located. And years ago, they tore down Pentridge and now it's apartments. Don't they remember Poltergeist?

Poltergeist? They build those houses over the Indian burial grounds, and then the ghosts of the Indians came and fucked everybody up. Dude, no way I'd buy an apartment over Pentridge. Of all the shankings and just all the men forcing themselves on men. If you ever get to Melbourne, I'll take you to the Old Melbourne Jail, which is still spelt G-A-O-L the old way, where Ned Kelly, our most famous most famous yeah jail the old english spelling is g-a-o-l

g-a-o-l yeah so old melbourne jail yeah but pronounced pronounced jail though like miss spelling goal though yeah no miss oh a-o-l a-o-l yeah so gay all yeah but pronounced jail but that's the old spelling the the old English spelling for jail. And Old Melbourne Jail is where Ned Kelly, who's our most famous criminal of all time, you might see movies on him. He was the dude that wore like a fucking tin armor. I thought Chopper was the most famous.

Chopper Reid's the most popular at the moment. He's like the, you know, he's the way the last 10 years or so since Eric Banner did the movie. That was a great movie. Fantastic. Fucking Eric Banner rocks, man. He's a bad motherfucker.

And Chopper's a bonafide celebrity now in Australia. He's got a... I like that comedian who does the impressions of him. Harden the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing the weather and that. Talking to little babies. Harden the fuck up.

Well, you know, the whole criminal thing in Melbourne at the moment is really being glorified, especially our mobsters, because there's this Underbelly TV series, which I think has hit America on one of the networks, but Underbelly is into its fourth season or so now. It started off being about the Melbourne underworld, the Italian mobs and the Aussie mobs that were warring with each other over the last 15 years.

There's only a few of them left now. They ended up mostly killing each other off. But just newspapers are full of it, and Underbelly series is rated so high in Australia. a few of them left now they ended up mostly killing each other off but um just uh newspapers are full of it and underbelly series is rated so high in australia there's that so they fascination with with mobsters yeah so they become like celebrities exactly then it becomes more popular yep yeah they have mob wives here have you ever seen yeah i saw mob i saw an episode of mob wives those fucking monsters yeah yeah yeah it's just so crazy. There's one, the fat one, who's by herself and her husband left her.

They're divorced, but she's a big star of it. She's always screaming. When there's busts on TV, she's smoking cigarettes and crying and screaming. You're like, oh, this monster. How do these women end up with these guys? You know those chicks that go to prison? They fuck guys in prison and have relationships with dudes in prison like how does a woman get to that point they love the strong like the the what what it's what it represents you know they like going into a restaurant

everybody respects them they like the fact that people pick up the tab because they're they're afraid of these people the people they're fucking they're a fucking fighter yeah there's there's something about it. It's like, you know, I mean, it goes back to the Godfather movies. It goes back to the John Gotti thing in New York. It's like there's this weird

sort of a romantic thing of knowing someone that's in the mafia. People have weird fetishes, man. I remember watching this. That organized crime thing is a deep thing. Yeah.

I grew up in Boston and it was Whitey Bulger, that guy who just got busted. He was on the run for like 16 years, but he ran the Irish mob. And I trained with a lot of Whitey Bulger's hitmen. Did you ever used to have that Boston accent? Yeah, I had that for a while. Really?

Yeah. That's a cool accent, man. It was pretty decent. I love it. It's cool. Whenever I see a movie set in Boston. If you're a guy and you want to look like a douchebag, it's a great accent. I love the sound of it.

Pack your fucking car, hide the fuck up. I heard myself on accent. I love the sound of it. Pack your fucking car. Hide the fuck up. I heard myself on TV when I was 19. I was in the Bay State Games, the Taekwondo tournament. I heard myself on TV and it was so bad. I immediately got rid of the accent. Really? I figured out how to get it out.

Yeah, I had had it. I had it. It was pretty deep. We've been working really hard. And I was like, oh my God. I listened to myself. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's sort of like a mix between American and British and something else that's really strange.

But I love it. I like movies where they have the Boston accent, but it's a fucking hard accent to try to replicate. Yeah, people fuck it up all the time. Yeah, it's a tricky one. It's an interesting, it's a fun accent. It's like, it's a good accent to have if you're here, if you're around, if you're drinking

and you're around a bunch of guys who have Boston accents. I guarantee you they're going to be funnier. That's probably the funniest group of humans per capita is Boston men. It's a hard life up there, man. Women are ugly. It's cold as fuck. Women are ugly in Boston? Monsters.

Really? Monsters. Women in Texas are hot, man. Like I said, it's not their fault. Texas has hot women. I was in Dallas. Texans are the nicest Americans, too. I think Texas is hot, man. Like I said, it's not their fault. Texas is hot women. I was in Dallas. Texans are the nicest Americans, too. I think Texas is just really polite and nice.

Okay, you're only dealing with city Texas. There's a different Texas. Oh, really? There's a Chainsaw Massacre Texas. Oh. And you've got to go to Jasper, where they drag black people behind trucks. Oh, no. Yeah.

Really? Yeah, there's Meth Texas. Okay, I'll rephrase. Dallas, Texas? Dallas is the shit. Oh, lovely. I'll rephrase. Urban Texas Oh, no. Yeah. Really? Yeah, there's Meth, Texas. Okay, I'll rephrase. Dallas, Texas? Dallas is the shit. Oh, lovely. I'll rephrase. Dallas, Texas is the shit.

Yeah. Y'all. I love when they say y'all. There's other spots in the great too, like San Antonio and Houston. Houston is amazing. Austin is one of my favorite cities of all time. Austin, apparently, everyone I talk to, it's like one of the best cities in America. Yeah, it's incredible.

You've got to go there. But there's outside of that. The problem is you drive outside of that. The problem is you drive outside of that a half an hour and you're in fucking Roscoe Peak Coltrane country. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's squirrely. Texas is real squirrely. And they've got the real conservative laws and they, you know, they can fuck you up over reefer or anything.

There's speed traps everywhere. And they've got that guy was telling me that make my day law where you can shoot someone that comes into your house. You not only can shoot someone that comes into your house. You not only can shoot someone that comes into your house,

you could shoot someone who's trying to repossess your car. What? Yeah. They've had people who shot people who they thought were trying to steal their car, shot him with a rifle. Turns out it was a repo guy. Turned out that he was vindicated. Guy never did any time at all.

Really? Yeah. Shot a guy with a fucking deer hunting rifle that was just trying to do his job and repossess a car. Fuck. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. You're a car thief. You hunting rifle that was just trying to do his job and repossess a car. Fuck. Yeah. That's amazing, man. Yeah, you're a car thief. That's how they look at it.

Even though what the repo guy's doing is legal, the bank is repossessing its property and they hired this guy to do it, what the shooter's doing is legal, too, because you didn't represent yourself as a repo man. And even if you did, he might be able to shoot you. So it's not true, though, that if you shoot an intruder, you have kill them no it's not true no okay to shoot them i mean you don't have to even shoot i mean there's no law like it's like a deer someone told me ages ago that oh you shoot them you're gonna make sure you kill them otherwise they can sue you for shooting them well i bet they could yeah i bet they could sue you not necessarily whether they would win but they could probably take you through the system yeah you but if you did shoot them and kill them, it wouldn't... No, then they can't sue

you, obviously. No, but you wouldn't be charged for manslaughter? No. You know, people have gotten trouble in Texas for shooting their wife and boyfriend and gotten away with it. Really? Yeah. It's like, it's a crime of passion. You come home, some guy's banging your wife and you fucking shoot him. You know, you can get away with that. There's some tricky

shit that you can get away with in Texas. You know, I don't know if it's a concealed carry state. I don't know with in Texas. I don't know if it's a concealed carry state. I don't know if it is. I don't know if you're allowed to go Wild West style and have a fucking holster. In some places, you're not allowed to do that, but you are allowed to carry it out in the open. So if you have a handgun, you're just allowed

to hold it out in the open as you walk towards the supermarket. Like, what the fuck, man? You can imagine you're going to the supermarket, and some dude is just walking with his gun out in the open because that's how the law is. You know, the law states that. What they're saying, coming to America.

America is great indeed. What did you think about this whole Norway thing that just went down with this one guy? I'm just getting all the information. Dude, opened up a camp, a children's camp or something? Killed a huge amount of children. I mean, I don't know how many. It's going to be all told because there's a lot of injuries

and some of these kids are going to die, but it's over 80 kids, I believe. And Norway's one of those countries that flies under the radar, man. You never hear shit from Norway. Nothing bad ever comes out of Norway. Well, my buddy Doug Stanhope just filmed his last DVD there in Oslo where this all went down. And this one guy, some crazy...

All they're saying is he's very religious and you know and and anti-muslim i believe but that's just who knows who knows how much they even know about what the fuck the real situation is it's you know it's the dust is still settling what a horrible horrible what causes these people to do this is it just the thing is just being fucking pure evil just you're fucking evil you know who knows man you know did you ever see the the man who uh shot there was a woman who was a congressman oh shot in the face or the head or whatever yeah she lived gifford and then you know he killed a bunch of people else on the scene that guy had a bunch of videos that he had put on youtube and written some things and it was just

he was obviously his brain wasn't working right he. He had like, he would make these, he would say these things or just like what they would call word salad, just throw a bunch of words together. It didn't make any sense. Like there was obviously a disconnect. He was functioning incorrectly. And look, the human mind is a very complicated instrument and sometimes it's fucked up.

Sometimes it's off, just like some people get cancer and some people get diseases. Some people's brains don't work at all. Some people have some fucking... I was watching this TV show where this guy had a fetish for vomit. He was called a... It's off the Greek word for vomit. I should have asked Irene. But it was a fetish of his.

And the only way he could get hard was when chicks vomited. So he would pay prostitutes to spew on him and vomit. And if he went to a restaurant and he saw someone chuck, he would go and scoop the chuck up and put it in a plastic bag. And they took the camera inside this giant freezer that he'd stored all these bags of vomit from over the years. And he had each one of the bags documented. So he was grabbing a bag

off the off they were frozen frozen so you'd grab it right he's like oh yeah taco bell 1992 she fucking blew chunks on the floor like i fucking get turned on just thinking about it a minute a minute a minute a minute a minute a night so a fucking fetish for people fucking chucking up and girls spewing on him the only way way he could get an erection, if a hooker or a friend of his, he'd pay them to stick their fingers down their throat and chuck up on him. What? Yeah. Like, how the fuck do you explain that?

Like, also these dudes. Yeah, dudes that, they're called feeders and they feed those fat chicks. They're little skinny. Have you seen that? Feeders. There's not a TV show. I saw a show again. I've got this.

You got some crazy shit on TV here. These little skinny fucking dudes that look like they're 45 to 50 kilos in weight. What is that in pounds? Okay. 100 pounds, 110 pounds. Yeah, say 110, 120 pounds, right? They have these wives or girlfriends

who are fucking behemoths, like 300 pound Emmanuel Yarbrough-looking fucking women who lie in bed all day and are immobilized because they're so huge they can't really fucking move. And the little men feed them. And the little men feed them. They're called feeders. And they get off sexually on feeding these women

and just constantly fucking feeding them and giving these women fucking fat. I can't say I'm surprised. I can't say I'm surprised. I would have been surprised if you told me that 20 years ago. If you told me that before I knew about the internet i'd be like what really i would say that doesn't even make any sense why would somebody maybe one person's into that this other dude on the show online community of this i have it's no apparently it's like i wouldn't say

a popular thing but it's like a thing there's like a feeder community and fucking skinny dudes are feeding these chicks just feeding them constantly sitting by the bedside fucking someone has to right when those people become immobile and they can't even leave the house Fucking skinny dudes are feeding these chicks, just feeding them. Constantly sitting by the bedside, fucking feeding these behemoths. When those people become immobile and they can't even leave the house, you would think, well, that's the perfect time to go on a diet. You can't even move. How long would it take to starve someone like that to death if you just gave them water?

They have so much fat. Yeah, so they'd process the fat, wouldn't they, for a while, more than a normal person. But you would die of starvation still, even if you were that fat. They would, because your stomach would start shrinking. Is that what would happen? You'd give them water, right? So they're staying hydrated.

Yeah, if you just gave them water. How many days? Wouldn't the body start burning fat though, wouldn't it? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. I don't think it's that efficient.

I don't think you can just use it as an alternative fuel supply. But then again, they're not using up any food for energy because they're just fucking lying there.

Yeah, but they need some just to pump blood and breathe air. They need some energy. I don't think it's possible. Yeah, but they need some just to pump blood and breathe air. They need some energy. I don't think it's possible. I mean, I know it's not possible. I know you would starve to death even if you're a big fat fuck, but I wonder how many days you would last.

I wonder if you would last, like, if you had, like, a lean guy, you know, like you get, like, a fucking Kyle Kingsbury, a super athlete, lean guy, and you put him in a room with some Jabba the Hutt looking fuck. And starve them both both who would die first who would die first that's interesting you would think the fat guy

would have at least a little bit more energy how does that little guy fuck the fat chick how does he even find the pussy to fuck her probably doesn't probably doesn't

probably just fucking tosses off happy that somebody likes him man you know there's some people out there that are just happy that anybody likes them

they'll take anybody how does she wipe her ass she probably doesn't there was a woman who died who was like grafted into a couch. What? She was slowly her skin was starting to graft itself to the couch.

And when they cut her out of the house, they had to cut a hole in the wall to pull her out of the house. And when they cut her out, they had to cut her out with the couch. Oh, fuck. Yeah. And then she died of complications. Fuck, that's crazy, man. Yeah. Well, you know what?'s like i said there's a broad spectrum people can go off the fucking diggity diggity deep end in many different ways

this other dude on this show had had an obsession that he wanted to return to the womb oh whoa and his wife was pregnant and he was jealous of his unborn child for being in his wife's womb and he said that his thing was he he had an obsession with needing to return to the womb can you imagine that poor woman have to deal with that bitch bitch of a man and that's the one who's fathering your children some fucking freak weirdo freak the ones that fucking fetishes yeah climb back inside back inside your fucking uterus yeah so he doesn't have to deal with it anymore because he's alive his home i want to be a baby again, be in my mommy's tummy and be safe

back in the little house in the prairie. Can you believe it? Crazy assholes. Fucking ridiculous. Well, we live in extreme times and you and I travel in the most extreme circles.

Wow. If you really think about it, the cage fighting commentary and kickboxing commentary and flying all over the world and being around all these savages and yet we're still shocked

by the level of human behavior out there in the world. Isn't that strange? They're like, don't get shocked by the violent knockouts I see, and the crazy cuts, and the blood in the sea, but you know? Did you think that when you were in that fight

with that dude, that dude was coming at you, did you think like, wow, I'm just so used to conflict, and so used to fights, that it's like, even though you're not getting in them, you probably were way more calm than an average dude, because you're so used to conflict and so used to fights that it's like it's even though you're not getting in them you probably were way more calm than an average dude because you're so used to being around

fights just your mind is just it's there it's always in your face you're talking about it you're seeing it at the highest level at the lowest level you're just seeing it so it's just it's almost programmed into you hd net's got to step it up dude hd net's got to figure out some way to get on more tvs because the fucking the programming is awesome you know the shows that they have is awesome it's the only place to get high level kickboxing in america it is you never see it you know we're doing it showtime now and those shows are fantastic man showtime there's one coming up in september you yeah they actually pay you yeah they pay not my fucking k1 man is k1 gonna fold and it's showtime gonna take over because i've

heard that no i don't think so. I'm told that K1 will survive, but in what capacity, I'm not sure. Not that it's Showtime will take over, but it's Showtime's going to be the one to watch. Listen, Mark Cuban's a bad motherfucker, okay? He owns the goddamn world champion Dallas Mavericks, brought them along to that title, owns HCNet. Tell him to step the fuck up and buy K1. It's probably like a thousand bucks

you'd buy k1 for their debt i actually heard about a year and a half ago that the price tag for k1 was 30 million dollars it's got to be less than that now i believe so yeah well you know they bought the ufc for like two million but if you bought k1 for even 10 million bucks, man, dude, Mark Cuban could turn K1 into a monster. Fuck yeah. You take the same level of talent, the real high-end guys they have now at K1 Max and the K1 Grand Prix, the heavyweight Grand Prix, and put those on in Vegas and make a big fucking deal out of it. Make me the prisoner of it all day. I know what the fuck out of that. Oh, son.

Mark Cuban, please. We're begging you. Step the fuck up. There's an opening to be had here. There's a product to be sold. This is a fucking strong possibility. You can make it happen, Mark Cuban. All right.

This is a long fucking podcast. How long have we been talking for? Hours. Hours. Fuck. This week, I'm going to have Jay Moore on the podcast. We're figuring out when to do it. I've got to call Jay back.

He's doing this thing with Kevin Smith, and we're trying to bring awareness to that. He's got a new podcast of his own. Did Kevin Smith sit in his seat? No, he only did it at his house. I love Kevin Smith. Yeah, I love him too. Would you sniff the seat, though?

I would. I'd lick it. Beautiful. That's beautiful. He's a great guy. So Jay Moore's doing something on Kevin Smith's network of podcasts and he's also

going to do some sort of a television thing with Kevin Smith so he's got that going on but Jay and I are going to do a podcast soon this week we got Giorgio Tsoukalos

from Ancient Aliens he's going to be on the podcast we got a lot of stuff happening and we're also looking at the new studio space

this week we're going to figure out a new place to do this I'm moving on up, folks. We're going to step up. We're going to also produce a Joey Diaz DVD. That's another thing that we've just decided to do. So that's all for now.

September 21st in Denver at the Paramount Theater. I got also coming up the Pabst Theater in Milwaukee sometime soon. I'm not sure when that is. I don't have my thing in front of me. But it's soon. All right? The Pabst Theater in Milwaukee sometime soon. I'm not sure when that is. I don't have my thing in front of me. But it's soon. All right? The Pabst Smear? Yeah, Pabst Smear Theater.

The Pabst Theater, Pabst Brewing Company. Oh, August 13th in Milwaukee. So if you want to talk to Mike and contact him, you can get him on Twitter at Sheavello Voice. You can get him on Twitter at Chiavello Voice. That's S-C-H-I-A-V-E-L-L-O Voice on Twitter. And do you have ChiavelloVoice.com too? No, no, just Chiavello Voice on Twitter.

Do you have a website? Or check me out on Facebook. Do you have a website? No, just use HD.net. Bro, you need a website, bro. Yeah, that's it. You need to step it up. Tell HDNet to kick in. Get a fucking ChiavelloVoice.com. I need to step it up tell hdnet kick in get a fucking

chiavellovoice.com I need to get one come on man get in there alright dude thank you very much brother fucking pleasure

always man always good to hang with you my friend always and so Michael and I are gonna kick back and we're gonna have a barbecue now ladies and gentlemen

yeah and that's the end of this show and thank you very much for tuning in and thank you to the fleshlight and if you go to oh where's mine where's mine

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bitches bye bye