The Joe Rogan Experience - #1268 - Ron White

Episode Date: March 19, 2019

Ron White is a stand up comedian and actor, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. His new special "If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up" is now streaming on Netflix.

It tastes like grape. Grape. Hmm. It is grape. Look at you. Yeah. Grape. It's grape.

Fucking nailed it. That's where I got it. We live? Ron White, we're live. Oh, we are? Yes, sir. Well, what a fancy beginning. That's how I do it.

I like to be professional. Cheers, my brother. Cheers. Cheers. Good to see you. Good to be here, man. Good to be here. Delicious. Good to see you. Good to be here, man. Good to be here. Delicious.

Good to see you after that mentally intensive carbohydrate versus fat. I'm done. You genuinely came out of there looking exhausted. It was a rough debate. They were going back and forth. They didn't like each other. They were mocking each other a little bit, but hopefully people got some information out of it. Two good guys.

They're just different positions. They don't see eye to eye, Joe. Nope. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? We'll hear them out. Exactly. What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? Ron White. So apparently, Ron White, you have a mugshot that we can add to our collection. Yeah, I'll get one over here. I'll have it framed and send it on up. Fuck yeah. I'll make sure it's small enough to put on that wall out there, you know, so it'll be a pretty big one. I'd like to have a pretty dominant spot over at the experience.

Tell me what you need. I'll give you a fucking six-foot-tall one, brother. All right, all right. That's it. Six-foot-tall. Life-size. Yeah, get it printed. Fuck it. Yeah, it was a bad tall. Life size. Yeah, get it printed. Fuck it.

Yeah, it was a bad picture. Yeah. It was really bad. So we're talking about this. You got busted for weed. Somebody ratted you out that there was weed on your plane. They didn't say there was weed on my plane. They said it was a drug smuggling plane.

Oh. And so there's a hotline that you can call and they just pilots that i'd fired and and uh and so i'm just sitting on the plane looking out the window and there's drug dogs and people in vests and machine guns and i'm like what's going on out there well but you know as soon as they determined that that's not what it was that i just had some personal weed that obviously somebody called in and lied, instead of going and arresting that guy, they took me to jail. That makes no sense at all. And then in the newspaper, the sheriff goes, well, he might not have had much pot with him, but who knows how much he did have.

And who knows I didn't kill somebody. How about we just put me up for murder right now? Yeah. If we need no evidence at all. Who knows he didn't steal? Larceny. How about that something something they went they drove by three in a pit they drove by three meth labs and a dead hooker just to get to my plane and really the funny part of it was the next day we were going to go somewhere else in in louisiana and uh but then now i've got a, you know, just weed we can get

rid of. That's all we can do because they might do it again. Next night, next place, more drugs. So now we've got an apple we're smoking out of. There are two of them on horseback and Alex feeds the apple to one of the horses as he's walking by. Take this

little apple. So they tried to check your plan again? They did check it again but we just had come up with this little plan that we would just And he also had to eat a little bag of weed, and he was really stoned on stage. He was really stoned. But we didn't go to jail that night. Well, if you just eat weed, will it get you high? Yeah, absolutely it will. It takes a while, but it was a big old chaw of it.

I mean, it was a big old lip full, cheek full. I'm surprised people don't chew weed. Like there's no one out there chewing. It tastes like ass, dude. Which is why nobody eats weed, even the cookies, you know. They got to watch it to keep them tasty. I think there is a growing number of people who juice the leaves and drink it. Yeah.

You know, like wheatgrass juice? They do it with the leaves of cannabis plant. I've seen people squeeze it to make the concentrate out. I think they're sticking in one of those masticators. Is that what they're called? Those things that make, you know, like wheatgrass. They can get juice out of fucking grass. It makes sense if you can get it out of, you know, like wheatgrass. They can get juice out of fucking grass. It makes sense if you can get it out of, I mean, if you can get it out of grass, you can get it out of any plant, right?

It doesn't get high? Yeah, you don't get high, though. It's like getting a CBD out of you. Then what's the point? For health, Ron. Oh, yeah. It's like O'Doul's pot. To tell you what's not bad, the Heineken shit that we got, we have Heineken 00, whatever

the fuck it is. It does not taste bad. It's very good. It's got no alcohol in it. No. But it tastes good. So you don't get that annoying buzz. I know.

No, you don't get none of that. Yeah, because you guys had that soccer, Sober October, and it looked like you were having a blast, I have to admit, sitting from the sideline. Oh, boy, this sober thing looks like a blast. I did have a November to remember. Yeah, we had no remember November. Yeah, Sober October is interesting. It's good to do every year.

I like to do it. You think you'd ever do it? No, I don't think I could. How many days do you think you'd take off? You know, really, not one and be very happy about it. I mean, I've got a little touch of alcoholism that someday I'll either deal with or I won't. But, you know, it's a maintenance thing with me. A maintenance as far as keeping your mindset correct?

Just feeling good? Like, what is it? Yeah, you know, it's just... Not give a fuck juice? I don't know. It's just something that I seem to require. You know, I can't wait for that first drink of the day. And then I usually drink, you know,

pretty much to excess every single night of my life. So, I mean, I'm not saying this is a good thing, and I'm certainly not bragging because I see people that are sober, and I get jealous of them. I'm like, wow, what would that be like to wake up feeling good every day? And I'm so committed to it. I don't understand that. I mean, I don't understand why I won't just let it go.

But I know it's such a big part of you know who who people perceive me to be but it's also just a big part of how i perceive me to be well people who perceive you to be they perceive you like if anyone has ever asked me what's ron white like i go what do you think he's like oh great guy likes to drink a lot, always funny. Yeah, that's him. You have the benefit of, you don't have an act, like you're not putting on an act, but you are a character. But it's who you are. It's so much better. If people found out you were some teetotal and got, like, have you ever seen somebody

who drinks fake shots on stage? Yeah. Yeah, that's rough. That who drinks fake shots on stage? Yeah. Yeah, that's rough. That's a rough place to be. Yeah. Pretending to be boozing it up with the crowd. Come on, folks. Well, Foster Brooks, who was the best.

Foster Brooks was so good at being a drunk with a teetotaler. Wasn't Dean Martin as well? Not a teetotaler, but he would pretend. I don't think so. And I hear that, but I've seen him. When I did the Foxworthy roast, I went back and watched all those roasts. Yeah. And that guy was drunk.

And if you go watch movies he was in, he was not a good actor. So he was acting. And him and Foster Brooks were in the same one. And Brooks was just so good and so edgy and uh but you could tell which one was really drunk and uh but i think a lot of times in vegas he might have had fake drinks and you know um or maybe people just wanted to say that because it's a little story right you know yeah but he looked like a you know i looked like he was fucked up to me. Have you seen that show on, I don't know if you watch any Amazon Prime. You ever seen that show, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?

It's about a stand-up comic. No, I see. I hear about it all the time, and people are always saying it's really, really good. It's fucking great. It's fucking great. I just finished something today, so I'm looking for the next. Watch that, man man especially season one season one season two was great too i enjoyed it but people didn't give season two as much uh

reward as much props as they did i like both seasons but there's a woman in that this is my point who has an she's putting on an act like she's this really highfalutin lady who pretends to be this chick from queens and she puts on a fat suit and and does this act and uh it drives mrs mazel fucking crazy she hates it and she talks shit about her and it starts spoiler alert i won't say anymore but it just that trap of being a character. Right. Pretending to be something that you're not. You know, I think that's, and this might be a little bit of a stretch, Joe, I don't know. But, you know, I think that's why Steve Martin quit. Because he was a parody of a comedian.

And which was brilliant. And so funny. Let's Get Small was one of my favorite albums ever. And I took it with me everywhere I went and played it for people and then took credit for how good it was, even though I really had very little to do with it except for spending the money. I remember when I was a kid, I listened to that long before I ever did stand-up. He was fucking great, man. Right.

Goddamn, he was great. And he was doing 45,000 people a night when he when he quit yeah i think that was the problem i think he just got over i he i think he's like a lot of comedians they feel a lot you know they're not numb people they feel a lot and i think for him like this maybe that's why i'm drinking maybe maybe i don't want to get in touch with those features well everybody that's damaged feels a lot and everybody that's a comic is damaged you know and i think with that i think with steve martin he was just so big man i don't think i think he's bigger than you or. Like, he just would go on stage and they would go fucking crazy.

It didn't even make sense to people. Right. And also difficult for him to perform. Yeah, he didn't know what was funny anymore. And, yeah, so I think, I mean, it was a ballsy thing to do. Fucking crazy. And then he walked straight into film and, you know, everything he's done has been crazy crazy crazy successful no he's he's

excellent and i'd love to go see the band my uh kathy nelson my you know kathy runs the tour thing uh she went to see the band and went back and talked to him said it was great wow i'd like to meet him he lived we lived in the same town for a while i'd like to meet him We lived in the same town for a while I'd like to meet him But I never ran into him Ran into Jonathan Winters there A couple of times What was he like? He was holding court at the post office And 20 people around

He's doing characters He's killing at the post office And that was the second time I saw him The first time I saw him He was having lunch by himself And I was with another comic, and he goes, do you think he'd mind if we went over there and said hi? An hour later, we're like, well, we got to go, John.

We got to split. We got shit to do. He was Robin's big influence, right? Right. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. He was so zany. He was so zany. Who the fuck was like him think of that yeah it had to start with something right that's what i got i got this theory that uh

there's uh two kinds of comics bridge builders and people that walk across those bridges i'm a big walker yeah i didn't invent any of this stuff i think uh well you gotta go back to like richard pryor and lenny bruce those are the big ones and then kinnison yeah big one kinnison because kinnison taught us that somebody can genuinely not like you yeah and you can still make them like yeah well he also taught me that you can punch down as low as you want as long as it's you want as long as it's funny. Right, as long as it's funny, as long as you're good enough. That fucking bit that he had about starving children, to this day, I had an argument with a guy on the podcast about it where he was telling me that comedy only punches up. I go, that's crazy.

Kinison had two of the best bits of all time, and they were both punching down. One was about starving kids. The other was about necrophiliacs paying money to bag corpses. But that's as down as you can get, man. You're fucking a dead body. And both those bits were fucking genius. And it's the same with 9-11. If you're good enough of a writer, you can do material about that.

But you better be good you better have somewhere to go that yeah you better have somewhere to go and i heard a couple of good pieces i don't remember who did them but you know uh but like the week afterwards the guy that uh was some guy that was the opening act was trying to riff on it and i got him over the side and i said hey dude not uh this is my stage right here. And normally I don't tell the comics what to do. But until you have something to say about it that's really, really funny, I don't want you bringing it up. Yeah, that's a tough one, because you could kill the whole show.

Some middle act goes on, and you lost friends in the towers, and that was a week ago. Right. I mean, there's like levels of tragedy that's a real tough one to find humor in i'm not saying that someone can't do it there's people people find comedy in everywhere and it's legit they do right they have a perspective it's just the eye you know how good are you so and then i'm good enough to avoid those things that's how good i am i get it i get it i'm not good enough to do it things. That's how good I am. I get it. I get it. I'm not good enough to do it.

Patrice O'Neill had a really great point about that. He's like, all things, when someone's trying to be funny, they all come from the same place. Just some of them miss. Some of them just aren't funny. You can't get mad at those. Right. But they came from the same place.

Like, yeah, I'll bet someone would admit that they told a joke that wasn't funny. Whoops. Tried. They tried.'t they're not trying to be mean like the the the response sometimes right it just didn't work yeah it just sucked but you know when someone's ad-libbing some things are gonna suck but the response sometimes to uh one that's like off you know it'll maybe a little bit too harsh or maybe a little too soon like people get so fucking mad

all right well you sent me a tweet about that cosby bit that i did and uh it was really funny and uh but it it just stirred the pot so much like you you think rape is good no that's not what i said at all right that's not what i said at all i made a joke That's it And you do that too I mean you stir up the pot big time It's great And you'll just go watch this And then You gotta have a point though

And if you have a point And you really are trying real hard To be a good person You just have a point I just have a point on things. I'm going to say it. You might get mad, but I'm not saying it to be a bad guy. I'm saying it because that's what I do for a living.

That's what I do. We find things. Burr was telling me that he did Caroline's in New York City. It was almost like a college gig. He's like, people are so sensitive now in New York. Oh, you know, he and I just did the VFW Hall in Hollywood. And I was calling him about another comic that I wanted. I was just talking to him at the bar and thought he was really funny.

And now I can't remember his name. Joe DeRosa? Joe DeRosa. Yeah, Joe DeRosa? Joe DeRosa. Yeah, Joe DeRosa. And I called him, and he goes, yeah, no, he's really good. And he goes, how about I come over and do it? And I'm like, of course, Bill, whatever. You want to do time on it, come on over.

Well, he was doing a bunch of Trump stuff, and I guarantee you, my fans are pretty split down the middle. But it did not go over well. And he didn't give a fiddler's fuck about it. And so he just made them mad and stirred them up for about 20 minutes. And then we both did my set. We smoked a cigar. And he's not drinking either for like a year or something like that.

Yeah, he looks great. He looks really good. He looks thin and healthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trump jokes are interesting because I don't remember anybody getting mad at you for Bush jokes. Right. It's different. They were just jokes, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you were like a Bush supporter, you could crack a joke about the way he spells potato or something's like nobody gave a fuck people didn't care it was a different thing even if people were supporting it wasn't bush by the way that spelled potato wrong oh that's right it's quail quail that's right that's right that's how these rumors get started man it is how they get started yeah you conspiracy dudes over here blowing off this who spelled potato wrong shit. Oh, that's right. It was him.

Bush fucked some things up, too, though, didn't he? Well. Didn't he fuck some stuff up? There's a whole album, like, The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush. He says, like, fool me once, shame on you. Yeah, yeah. Shame on me again? I don't know.

You know, what's interesting about Bush is when he was running for governor of Texas, he had a completely different way of communicating. He talked like a really smart guy. He's very articulate. I mean, he was a smooth, smooth talker. You're talking about W. There's a video of him from back in the day when he was running for governor, and he's great.

You listen to him, like, look at this energetic, intelligent energetic intelligent guy he's articulate he seems like one of us and then there's they had a side by side video comparing him to like bush after seven years in office like he's like barely hanging on right he's not paying attention to shit he's giving the reins to heaven and hell to dick cheney dick cheney's in a bunker seven miles underground making nefarious decisions. You know, I mean, it was weird. It was a weird time. But you can make fun of Bush all day long. Nobody give a fuck. You make fun of Trump today, people want to kill you.

I almost got in a scuffle the other day at the gas station. This guy just started spouting out stuff. He was putting gas in his car right over there. And by the first sentence that came out of his mouth from nowhere hadn't said a word to the guy didn't say hi to him nothing nancy pelosi's the dumbest person that ever lived on this planet and and and i get baited so easy i just said probably not probably not that you're probably wrong. She's probably not. Obama was an idiot. He graduated number one from Harvard Law.

So, views politically aside, we can start with he's probably not stupid. And what a good speaker. He was the best. Oh, yeah, he was smooth. The most presidential. He was a guy that you were happy to have represent you whether you believe with his you know believe in him and you support his ideas or not as a representative of our culture of our civilization that guy was smooth and measured and articulate and and off the book

you know most of the time but you know he was just he was saying what he thought he wasn't reading off of scripted well you know the story about clinton well i know i know son with with being off the book clinton was such a good orator that the teleprompter went off it broke like five minutes into his fucking speech and he did all that shit by memory just did the whole goddamn thing by memory and i played the nine holes of golf with him what was he like and uh it was well there's still security secret service all around him right and so it was a private uh golf course uh larry ellison uh that owns oracle oh wow uh owns this private golf course that has 14.

He's a big tennis guy, so he puts on the tennis stuff out in Palm Springs, and nobody plays this course, and he doesn't play golf. It's just his private. It's just a deal. He's got his own course? Yeah, he's got his own course.

Jesus. He played through our group at Shadow Creek and Beverly Hill in Vegas. A really exclusive course, impossible to get on and and he was playing by himself and he was gone the t-box and i said it's lonely at the top and larry he goes yep and hit his ball and went off by himself and uh wow but he wasn't even there but but clinton was and he told me a story goes his friend of his is a record producer rap records big he didn't tell me who it was and didn't tell me who the artist was either but the artist was all dug down he was in a ferrari store and uh and uh the salesman goes are you thinking about

buying this car and the guy goes no i'm gonna buy the car i'm thinking about pussy. So Clinton told me a story that had the word pussy in it. That's a fucking great story. Clinton told you that story? Yeah, Clinton told me that. That's a great fucking story. That is a great story. That poor bastard. He's almost like a comic.

He could just be free. You think if he got divorced and just started going on the honest bill clinton right you know i fucked her yeah i did i didn't want to either what did you think i was going to do what would you do what would you do you're in my position what would you do you're smart you know you ain't got but 40 years left to life i just shoved my pecker right in her mouth. That's what I would have done. The whole idea of being the fucking number one guy,

you've got to be so goddamn pussy hungry to want to be the number one guy. 100%. You've got to have big appetites, that's for sure. For everything. Yeah, for everything. For everything. You've got to be a super conqueror. Yeah, and all those guys are. I mean, not all those guys.

I don't want to generalize, but it's really, really common for men that are in power positions to just be horny as fuck all the time of course i mean we got to go back the way we want these people to behave is so contrary to the way any king ever behaved ever in history like the stories of kings throughout history was always decadence it was always you know all these women and wine and food and more food people feeding them fat open sores and cutting off the fucking ex-wives heads and shit like that's what you think of ordering armies people protecting them it's like those people were just gluttons.

They're gluttons. The super gluttons of the world. Right. And we don't like that. No. So then we try to turn someone into some fucking Norman Rockwell person. Right. And that doesn't work either.

It's not real. Because you don't have enough charisma to lead, maybe. Well, Trump is showing us that. You could talk shit about him 24-7, a year he's not adjusting anything in fact he digs his heels in he's the same fucking guy no matter what happens well you know i i really don't like to get into my position on uh on trump because it and the reason is i just don't feel like it's my job. I feel like it's your job. My job's different. My job is to go up there and just make them laugh. But I don't want to be divisive.

Yeah, I hear you. I just don't want to do it because my fan base is split. I've had – nothing ever really happens, but I had a guy one time, because I said something in a meet and greet, who has paid to take a picture of me and then refused to take a picture of me because of what i said and i'm like i don't give a fuck dude don't take a picture leave that i don't give a shit yeah people are so touching yeah but you know that's also one of the it's like they're exerting power over you i'm not even gonna take a picture'm going to unfollow you on Instagram too, Ron White. Right.

Goddamn communist. Yeah. What am I going to do? Yeah. I told one girl, she said, now I'm going to unfollow. You used to be funny, but now you're just filthy, and I'm going to unfollow you, and I know it doesn't matter. I said, you can't leave.

All the plants will die. Whenever you're in a bind, quote Bill Murray. Yeah. People are just so mean. Just want to hurt you, Ron White, for no reason. Yeah, but nobody... I've already been as mad as I can be, and I'll never be madder, and it happened when I was 16 years old. So it's hard to make me mad, and I'll tell you what made me mad.

I just got my driver's license. My mother asked me to go to the store to get something it's in the summer in houston i don't have any shoes on i open my door step into a shitty pampers there's somebody just thrown in the parking lot and my and i didn't just put a toe in and go oh that's baby shit that's wrong i just shoved my whole foot into it green baby shit coming through my toes smears all over the diaper right so i'm stuck i don't know what to do i'm not gonna get back in my mother's car with this shitty foot i can't go into the store with baby shit all over my foot and i thought about just cutting my foot off and just leaving it in the diaper with a note that said, You used to be a perfectly good fucking foot, dude.

And nobody's ever made me that mad since. I was so fucking furious, and I just wanted to hate and kill over a shitty pamper. That's crazy that that was all it took. That's all it took. That's all it took. It was so, you know know it just put me in a i've been stuck before let me tell you about the other time i was stuck this will get us off of politics um i'm in my tour bus and uh i'm partying with my buddy steve my best friend my road manager

who passed away and and he never gets laid but it looked like he had an angle on this girl. So I picked up my beer and went back to my bedroom, which I never do. I sit up there and drink with the guys, and I go back there just to go to sleep. But I never take booze back there or anything. But I'd gone back there and laid down, and I put that Dos Equis bottle on the counter, and then we took off during the night. Well, I was real drunk and steve was real drunk and the bottle falls off and breaks i don't hear it so in the middle of the night my bed sits

high because you want to try to get those beds towards the center the uh because it's on those axles anyway but the closer it is to the center the better it feels when you're in it so you kind of slide off of it about an inch and i my foot went into a uh the bottom of the beer bottle had a shard hanging off of it about an inch and a half long and uh and i just and i landed on it well now i know exactly what it was and uh and somebody had hit the master lights so i can't turn the lights on you have to go back and turn them on on the master switch but i know that around me is broken glass everywhere because i understand what happened i understand that bottle fell broke and i got it in my foot

so i pull my foot up and i didn't know how big the shard was and i just pull it out of there blood just starts gushing out well steve's passed out in a bunk and he he can't hear me. I can't get to a phone. I can't see. So what do I do? I just crawl back in bed and went to sleep and bled. Wow. And Steve said the next morning it looked like somebody killed a hog in there. And he just lifted up the sheets, him and the bus driver, and saw my foot. And they were like, ah, he's all right. Jesus Christ.

Did you worry about bleeding out? How much blood's coming you worry about bleeding out i didn't know what else to do because the only option was to take another step right and cut the other foot and uh did you have your phone with you i wasn't within reach i was just stuck and i was also drunk right stuck and drunk and bleeding god damn that's a good combination yeah yeah i was stumped i didn't know what to do i didn't know how to fucking combat it so i would just crawl back and i'm like how was your foot oh 13 stitches uh as soon as i woke up and looked at him let's go the hospital guys and uh thing sewed it back up 13 on the bottom of my foot, right in the arch. And it was a mess. It was a fucking mess.

Every time, if you fuck your foot up, you realize how much you need them. Like, you can fuck your shoulder up, and that sucks. Yeah, but you can still walk somewhere and get something. Yeah, when you fuck your foot up, you're like, oh, okay, this is a real problem. You get a knee operation or something? I play golf every day. Oh, yeah, so it's a real problem. You get a knee operation or something? I play golf every day. Oh, yeah, so it's a real problem. It's a real problem to me.

Yeah. Every day? Every day I can. Not every day, but every day I can. Golf is one of those games, man. Guys just get fucking into golf. Yeah. You know, look at what you're into you know it it it it

it's something that you do and you've always done and and you just you just keep doing it you know i watch it on television like it's a soap opera i just watched 80 hours of the players it also gives me a reason not to exercise you know because i got this golf to watch yeah well golf does give you some exercise, though. That's a fact. You are walking around. It's better than being sedentary. Yeah, you're walking around and you're thinking. You're planning shit out, looking at the curves of the grass.

Yeah, thinking, measuring, and trying to work out, solve problems. I get it. I'm just terrified. Terrified I'll be one of you guys out there every day Yeah, right. No, I know I have friends that go out every day you one of them I know other guys I do too every time they get a chance the guys I play with go every day Yeah, if you can pull it off, it's like a gentleman's leisure way of life Yeah, you know it's always back when I was a club comic that's how i killed the

day i started playing when i was like 13 and so i would just go to a golf course and you know schmooze out a deal where i could play golf there every day and you ain't jack shit to do during the day in clubs for 15 years right you know i'm doing 48 weeks right and uh making 500 a week or whatever it was when i started and you know it was a middle act out there you had to work them all you know because you needed the 500 real bad yeah do you ever look back on those days with like do you reminisce you know what i it's it's a good thing for me that this was the path of least resistance right because uh because if it wasn't for stand-up i'd be a regional marijuana distributor in the state of texas in a in a in an industry that has some questions coming up so uh you know i did it because i loved it but it was also fun fun fun you know uh

and uh and and it was easy for me. I didn't mind the travel because I liked drinking free in bars and practicing this art form. But I never, ever thought it would go where it went. People ask me, how do I do that? I'm like, I don't know how I did it. That was right there

when it happened. I have no idea. I barely remember it. Did you live in Mexico for a little bit? Mm-hmm. In fact, there's a really,

really, really good PGA player from the same town I lived in that played golf every day where I played golf. I didn't know him. He young he would have been a let's figure it out it would have he would have been he's like 21 or

two now and uh he was he was on the in the heat for uh this tournament his name was uh abraham answer is his name and uh born in reynosa mexico well he's actually born across the border because there's no wall right they can just come over there and have a baby so that and but his parents must have been fairly well off for that part of the world you know to to do that but he's great he's great and i dig it because uh i you know and i see where he came from exactly you know it's where my son made a hole in one whenone when he was eight years old. It was on the Capestre Golf Course in Reynosa, Mexico. How many holes-in-one does a guy get in his career? I've had one.

My son's had one. You know, like the big guys, maybe 16, 17, 18. In a whole lifetime. In a whole lifetime. There's no equivalent in other sports. Yeah. A hole in one, there's no equivalent in any other game. Right.

There was a double eagle. What's that mean? That's where you make a two on a par five. So that means you sunk a hole from 262 yards out. You made it on the second shot. Oh, wow. Very rare. Very rare.

So a double eagle is slightly less rare than a hole-in-one. Way less rare. Way less rare. Because that par 3 could be as much as 125 yards. Most of them aren't made on the longer 185, 125 yards. Most of them aren't made on the longer 185, but guys like me aren't hitting

a par 3 from 235. Yeah, if you think about it, I guess there's nothing like that in any other game or sport. Hole-in-one. Where it just works out perfect. Maybe a walk-off grand slam. Those happen way more often.

Yeah, way more often than hole- often, though. Yeah, way more. Well, yeah, way more often than a hole-in-one. For how many people try it? Hole-in-one is crazy. Every, you know, you don't get many chances at that Grand Slam, but... But the other thing is... For how many people try it, how many they make? Pitch at you.

You're definitely going to hit the ball. It's right there. Like, that golf ball is just right there. I mean, you might not have a good lay, but you're definitely going to hit it. Am I saying it on the right chain? Well, yeah. Well, if you hit a foul ball, you got to play it. lay, but you're definitely going to hit it. Am I saying it on the right chain? Well, yeah. Well, if you hit a foul ball, you've got to play it. That's true.

You've got to go find it. Yeah. It just seems like the odds of you getting a hole-in-one must be off the charts. It must be like 1,000-1 or 100,000-1 or something crazy like that. Yeah, maybe. I mean, most people maybe never. Yeah, what do you think the numbers would be? What are the odds?

Oh, fuck, Charles. Of a hole-in-one. I didn't graduate people maybe never. Yeah, what do you think the numbers would be? What are the odds? Oh, fuck, Charles. A hole-in-one. I didn't graduate from high school. Some motherfucker figured it out. Let's throw the math to those carb guys. Those science dudes. They were killing me. What do you guess?

My son made one the 11th day he ever played golf. Wow. In front of me and his coach and his best friend. That's incredible. And it was a 95-yard par 3 from the regular women's tees with a U.S. Kids Club driver that I still have. Wow. And just straight at the hole, he had a great golf swing. Kids, if you treat them right, you know, his golf coach was good, even though they spoke a different language.

They understood golf and how to teach him that swing. And so he was good at it. And he doesn't really play much anymore. It's not his thing. But he landed 10 yards in front of the pin, bounced twice, rolled right in the middle of the cup. And at this point, I've been playing golf for 30 years, and I'd never done it.

Wow. And so it was a big deal. And he got his name in a couple of newspapers, and they mentioned him on the golf channel he was the youngest kid that had made a hole in one that year that was registered and then like two weeks later a six-year-old did it my son was like uh you know they took all the joy out of it for him yeah that was one kid he was lucky he hit it his went on off a mailbox you're yours went off a perfect golf shot golf shot it's a hard thing to learn

right that swing yeah you know it it is a really difficult thing to do and it's it's just a it's a thing that you learn how to aim it's like a bow and arrow you know uh even though that's a little easier to teach somebody how to do but to do it it exceptionally well, it's not easy to do. Or a slingshot, how to get the power at the right spot or even fly casting. It's not power everywhere. It's power in the right spot that does it. Yeah, that whip of the wrist. Yeah, and so it's hard to do, but it's fun to do once you learn how to hit a good, solid golf shot and the ball comes off the way it's supposed to.

It's bliss. I'll tell you something. Here's a story about golf. My best friend who passed away died of brain cancer, so they had done a surgery on him that had just down scars down his neck down his back where they were trying to heart they were you know they were shooting it you know he was already you know he had he should have had a death sentence we just weren't saying it out loud and we were uh at my place in montecito and we had thrown everything at this cancer but the kitchen sink, and we were looking for the fucking sink.

And Steve goes, let's go to the golf course, man. He goes, I'll help you read some putts. He was always good at reading putts. We'd been playing golf since we were little kids. We'd known each other since we were six. And so when I got my clubs out, his clubs were in there too. So he reaches into his pill bag and takes another pain pill and said, I'll throw mine on there.

You know, I might take a swing. And he did off the first tee box, and it hurt, and it wasn't very good. And he just winced. But every once in a while, he'd put a ball down and he'd hit it. And when we get to the 17th hole, it's par 3, 167 yards. It's a long hole. And he hits his drive with his driver, and it fades off a little bit to the right, but he caught it. And so it was up kind of by the green, but the pin was kind of on the other side.

And I was like, great. And so he hits a chip shot which is easier to do and he's always really been good at that and he hits it to about seven feet and i'm like oh my god he's got a seven foot putt for a par and he makes it and this dying man gets the biggest grin i've ever seen in my life. And it was crooked because his muscles had been cut, but it just brought him pure fucking joy. Wow.

And then I got to see the last par he ever made. Wow. And I got to witness that joy. That's pretty cool. That's awesome. That's pretty cool. That's golf. If it means that much to you, it can make you feel better if you do it right one time.

I get it. I think it's like in any difficult game like that. I guess it would be like that with a lot of games. But there's something about golf, too, that it's very physical. And you're doing it outside. It's one of the only things you have to do outside. I guess you could do tennis inside, like, really. But golf is a fucking giant-ass course.

You're going to be walking you gotta go outside yeah i mean i do it in a golf cart but you know i walk i walk from the golf cart to the ball something's happening something's going on something's going on but you gotta stay loose you know that's why that's the only reason i do yoga is uh is to keep my lower back and my you know keep everything moving around. Your golf's got to be a lot of lower back, right? Yeah. Well, it's all got to turn around your spine.

I'm 62 years old, and so that's just harder to do. You've got to keep those muscles stretched out to be able to do it at all. Yeah, I think it's like that with anything where you're moving your body as a unit martial arts stuff or anything you better as you as you get older in particular you better be really aware of all the moving parts when you're a kid you could just fucking hit the gas when you hit 50 you better be you know you're swinging a tennis racket or something like that you better be, you know, you're swinging a tennis racket or something like that. You better be aware of your shoulders and your knees. You got to be aware of all these moving parts.

How old are you? 51. 51? Wait for 62. I'm not waiting. What's up? Here's Tiger's back injury. He's had four back surgeries.

Oh, no. He had another one? No, this isn't like yesterday or anything This is from like a year or two ago Oh good Wise announced that he had undergone Anterior lumbar interbody fusion Oh, that's fusing his dicks

Many thought Many thought His discs, excuse me He fused his dicks Freud Hello, Freud Many thought that his competitive golf career was over And his fourth surgery since March of 2014

Which involved removing the L5-S1 intervertebral disc and then inserting fusion material to connect the L5 and S1 vertebrae. What? Oh, my God. Although he's apparently recovered quite well from the operation, the surgery is quite rare amongst professional golfers. One of the PGA players, Dudley Hart, had also had had a fusion in the same location as Woods.

Fucking fusion's rough, man. That means there's no disc left. Right. And he won the FedEx Cup the last tournament of the year. Last year, Tiger won it. So he came back from that injury. That's incredible. Oh, it is amazing.

And I was there. It was at Eastlake in Atlanta. And I do all their charity stuff. Yeah, that's the footage of him going up to 18th green. He's about to win this thing. And this is the top 30 golfers on the PGA Tour, which is the toughest tour there is. Look at all these people jazzing out. It's amazing.

What a weird sport that everybody gets to run on the field and follow them. Right. Walk right next to them. There's no crowd control there. They have no idea what the fuck is going on. I was right up there above this green because I walked with him because I get to go inside the rope. And I followed it a couple of – Oh, he fucking choked.

Nah, it didn't matter. This is the one he needs right here, the short one. That's it? Yep. Yeah, I think he had a two-shot lead going into that. And that's it? And he won? And he won the whole thing.

Wow. Yeah, and that was the comeback. That was the comeback that people said would never happen, that he would never – especially at this level. That's a hard tournament to win. I mean, that's tough, tough stuff stuff so he's back tiger's back tiger's back i love it um the i don't require a lot from people you know if if they get some strange along the way that guy's he's he got it rough after his whole divorce and the sex scandal he had rough for a long time people were coming after him but

the the thing is about those back uh surgeries is i wonder why they did the fusion because i think they do articulating discs now that seem to be very effective i i you know i think he tried i mean i think he had Well he had four so Cause people are I know a few people That are doing those That have got those discs down They put like a titanium Movable disc

Basically takes the place Of the disc that's in your back Eddie Bravo had that done I don't know What does it say You know I play all these Okay Pro-ams.

Increased golfer's performance via an anterior approach is that it spares the large muscles of the back that are critical to golf swing, which potentially makes the recovery for athletes a bit easier. Huh. I don't know, but I would imagine whoever was looking at Tiger's back was about the best person in the world to be looking at it. So I'm sure they would have. He had a pretty big budget for it.

Yeah. I mean, they must have really calculated it. That was what the best move was. Maybe if they put an artificial disc, it would move funny. I'm good. I don't know, man. The back thing is a rough one. Do you ever have any back problems?

I don't have a lot of any kind of problems except that little alcohol thing that I got going. That little squeaker. But I play golf with guys in these pro-ams. And most of them are football, basketball players. And most of them are around my age. And most of them are football, basketball players, and most of them are around my age, and most of them are in pain. It turns out smoking pot, watching cartoons is good for your knees. It's fine.

I just didn't get hurt. I played golf when I was on the golf team. I sucked, but I was on the golf team in junior high and high school. I played football, too. Life of relative leisure is good for the joints. Right. It's good for the joints. You don't take a pounding.

Not from where I'm laying. Yeah. The fucking knees and the ankles. We were talking to Kamaru Usman yesterday, who's UFC welterweight champion. He's had five knee surgeries. Both of his knees are basically bone on bone. Can't run anymore um i had all kinds of crazy and still fighting destroys people with no doesn't just fight he

destroys people he's the best he just beat tyron woodley who was the best before him it's fucking crazy i mean when i laughed so hard when that guy goes my balls got hot you go there was the best company the best thing you could have possibly said was, I understand. I love that guy. Derek Lewis, he's a genius. He figured out a way to be himself. Did he ever go to his Instagram page? No, no.

If there's anything fucking crazy going on in the world, Derek Lewis has it on his Instagram page. His Instagram page is the best. People found out about it. I gave him a shout-out to his Instagram page on one of the UFC broadcasts. And now it's got like, what does he have? How many followers does he have now? 1.6 million. 1.6 million?

It's not good though. It's fucking chaos. He always gets videos deleted and removed, but apparently they leave them up there. I mean, they're not threatening to take them down. I don't think, I hope not. It's where I go to. I'll go take a look at it. Any fucking dummy that's trying to light a bomb under a tire and fly through the air and smash the roof of a fucking garage with his face.

He's got all that shit. Motorcycle accidents or people trying to do wheelies and they fall and it lands on them. Anything fucked up on the internet, Derek Lewis. It's funny. It's funny. He's got it all. Anything crazy, he's funny. He's got it all. Anything crazy, just fucking,

he's a hilarious guy. But the fact that he could say something like that, you know, like right after a fight, like, why are you taking shorts off? My balls was hot.

He starts selling t-shirts afterwards. My balls was hot t-shirt. So they don't, I got one. I don't think real people listen to anything that's being said about... USA in this hole. I need one.

Derek, please. I need one of those shirts. I need one of those shirts. Please, Derek. Oh, my God, he's the best. He's such a character. Fight his ass off too so what

I know it's your show but what how many fights do you do now and does anybody care about a fight you don't announce

yeah for sure care yeah I do 10 a year 10 events a year I'm doing like the big pay-per-views like 10

there's a lot of them that are overseas I just But they want you To be the voice Right And you just Don't have time

I just don't have the time I don't have the time With all With the podcast And with doing stand-up And you know Making Netflix specials And shit

Right There's just no time Right No yeah fuck no I know there's no time I like it better When I do it once a month Like once

Like 10 times a year Is basically once a month Right I like that better Because I do it once a month. Like 10 times a year is basically once a month. I like that better because it seems like that's... And it's the higher profile stuff. I don't mind. There's a lot of fights that are not that high profile that I love. It's like they're Crosby, Stills, and Nash and you're young. Right?

You just pop in and do the big shows. That's funny. People don't care as much. I love doing it, as much i love doing it man i love doing it i still do but um it's it's amazing to me how many people that i meet because i talk about you and i'm proud i love our friendship and i but i really admire you a lot and i admire you for a lot of reasons but one of them is that you're famous for a lot of things and some people don't know you as all of those things i don't know if anybody

does well probably because they listen to the podcast and there's millions of them but still that's uh i don't think you know i don't think it's as common for people to know how good a comedian you are uh you know of course they don't unless they've seen you you know live because they might think of you as the guy from the fear factor or the uh or the man show or or or ufc and you're famous for all those things and stand-up comedy uh that's a that's that's crazy but i but i but i i find myself defending you sometimes going listen to his fucking stand up go watch turn on netflix and watch that last special watch all of there it's really really good stuff he's one of the only people that really makes me laugh

and uh and and i feel like i'm out here spreading the word you got a podcast that reaches the entire universe and i'm explaining joe rogan to people so listen i love you and i appreciate you so you saying that to me means a lot to me thank you well that's uh anyway baby shit all over my fucking foot i'm saying is it was and i'm not over it i'm just not over it it's a good thing to be angry if you're gonna have one bad moment in your life that's a fucking that's a manager yeah because you can hose it off your foot right but there was no hose That's what I'm trying to say. I get it was nasty. There was no hose. I get it.

There was no fucking hose. I get it. I wouldn't have been stuck if there would have been a hose. But that was in the parking lot of a grocery store. Jamie, what were you telling me that Conor McGregor was mad at me for something? What were you saying? I could pull up the video, I guess. What was he doing?

Is that illegal? Are we allowed to see it? That's fine. But what did he say? Something like, i talk off script i talk off script talk on script or call fights on a script or something that is not really true because no one ever gives me a script that's a fact i mean i don't know what exactly he said but maybe he just didn't like my commentary i bet he likes it when he wins right you know you got his picture up in your, right here in the, what do you call this place? In the studio.

The actual quote is, I'd like him to call a fight how he sees it correctly instead of reading off a script, though. Well, that's his perception. I understand what he's saying. Sometimes people think that. But, you know, it's very difficult when someone's calling your fight. If he's talking about me calling someone's fight that's not his friend, then that makes much more sense. It's fucking hard, man.

It's hard for me. I have a really hard time calling friends' fights. It's fucking hard. Do you know him and you're friends with him? Well, I don't know him that well, but I like him a lot. I respect him. It's fun to watch him fight, that's for sure. Do you want me to play the clip?

Yeah, sure, go ahead and play it. He's got a great following, he's got crazy insight, great guests. Maybe at some stage in the game, who knows? I like it to call a fight how he sees it, correct?

Yeah. Nice left from McGregor. I've been reading off the script though The Diaz rematch It was like he was reading off the force fight You know And that last one He's talking about The face was getting smashed Yeah he slept for McGregor I left that off the dorm

With a black eye The same way as two Black cousins left me It's more of a Cousin relationship With a black eye Fuck a beat man Maybe at some stage

We'll do it So he's talking They must have asked him If he'd do the podcast Yeah I get his position. You know, that Diaz fight was a good fucking fight, man. It was a hard fight.

I wasn't calling it like the last fight, but I had to call it with the knowledge of the last fight. I had to know what happened in the last fight. In the last fight, Diaz survived the storm, tagged him, had him rocked, and then finished him on the ground. It doesn't mean that he didn't win the second fight. It was a close fucking fight. The second fight was a very close fight. But you have to acknowledge that that other fight took place. He also said it with a smile.

Yeah, he said it with a smile. You can tell that. I think that guy is one of the most dynamic individuals to ever compete in a sport. He's a special person, very special person, very unusual guy. Even if he doesn't beat Khabib ever again or he loses to this guy or loses to the Floyd Mayweather, who cares? He's still

one of a fucking billion human being. He's an unusual guy. The amount of electricity and excitement. How good is he? He's fucking good, man. He starched Jose Aldo, who's one of the greatest featherweights, if not the greatest next to Max Holloway of all time, starched him with one jose aldo was one of the greatest featherweights if not the greatest next to max holloway of all time starched him with one punch when aldo was aldo aldo was the fucking man

i mean he was the man he was smashing everybody for years and connor talked so much shit to him and climbed so deep inside his head and infuriated him to the point where he was so emotional and he came charging at Conor and Conor just slipped back and bank dropped like the best one punch knockout in the history of the sport. Oh, no shit. Oh, a hundred percent because it was so significant. There was so much hype behind it. It was a guy where like, how good is this guy? Is this guy really the next big thing?

Or is he going to fall apart when he meets a real champion like Aldo? And then he knocks him out with one fucking punch. Blah! It was crazy. And then hammer fist him while he's out when he's on the ground. I mean, it was definitive, right? It took like 14 seconds. 14 seconds into the first round.

He throws a hopping sidekick. He's gauging the distance. He's got like this karate stance. And then he sees Jose load up. Here, you this karate stance. And then he sees Jose load up. Here, you can watch it right here. He sees Jose load up. And when he sees Jose load up, he had this fight won. Go ahead, play it. He had this fight

won even before. I mean, he knew how it was going to go down. He knew what Aldo was going to do. He was real emotional and angry. So he knew he was going to come forward. So he's gauging his distance. Bang! See that? Bam!

Oh, the Friday one. I mean, that was like one of the most spectacular KOs in the history of the sport because it had so much meaning to it. It was so important. It was for the featherweight championship of the world. Conor had already won the interim title. Him and Aldo facing each other this big hype thing took like a year to put together crazy so that he's awesome did you call that oh yeah yeah i think it's the only time i've ever yelled out he slept him when someone got

cracked because it's just i don't even know why i said it just like that's that's what came to my head i just i just yelled it out that's because what he did. He slept him. I saw that special about that guy who announces for world wrestling or professional wrestling. Jake the Snake? Yeah. No, the announcer. The announcer guy. Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry.

Which guy? Jim Ross? Is there a Jim Ross documentary? He's got real bad PTSD, but he's a great – he's a star in that. Sounds like it. I don't know exactly. It's a book? No, it's a documentary that I saw, and I can't remember the guy's name.

In 20 minutes, I still not remember the guy's name. But it was great, and he's really good. I mean, he's sought after for big events. He does all their big events, or he did. And then he'd, like, fall off into this crazy, depressive thing, and then he'd come back, and, you know, it was a great story. I wish I could think of it. I would think you would know who that was.

Mauro? Mauro Ranallo. Oh, was it Mauro? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Mauro Ranallo. Yeah, Mauro does Showtime Boxing too What's that Is that your phone Ron

It's definitely his phone Is that your phone That sings Back in Black Yeah Yeah I think the special's called Bipolar Rock and Roller Yeah

Yeah And Mauro's been on the podcast for He's a buddy of mine Oh okay He's a great announcer Really really nice guy too But yeah he suffers called Bipolar Rock and Roller. Yeah. And Mauro's been on the podcast for it. He's a buddy of mine. Oh, okay. He's a great announcer. Really, really nice guy, too. But yeah, he suffers from mental illness, and he does a really good job of talking about

it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should be ashamed of, you know? What's going on? A little message for my son. Oh, okay. Love you, Dad. Oh, how cute. He does that in the middle of nowhere for no reason at all.

That's awesome, man. Ron White. Getting some love. But yeah, Mauro is, he used to do Pride. He used to do Pride commentary. He's done a lot of boxing. He did Showtime boxing. He does WWE.

He's done a bunch of MMA shit, too. You know, a bunch of different organizations. I think he even did Glory for a while. He does Bellator, too. That's right. He does Bellator. He's a really good guy. But, yeah.

Mental illness is a weird one, man. You walk away from it, from watching the documentary a fan. Even if you don't know anything about it, I loved wrestling when I was a kid. I was a big Wahoo McDaniels fan. Who's Wahoo McDaniels? Oh, come on. I don't know, man. I don't know.

I came up during the Bob Backlund days. Yeah, this guy, he was a Dallas Cow cowboy at one time. He was from Midland, Texas, and he was Cherokee Indian. Look at that guy. Look at the size of him. Oh, yeah. Look at him. And he looked like a comedian, right? He looked like Shaky Green or somebody, right? Yeah, he does. He looks like, yeah. Who does he look like?

So he would come out. Now, this is my first encounter with the police. Look at him. Buddy Hackett. That's what he looks like. Buddy Hackett, that is what it is. He's a Jack Buddy Hackett. Yeah. So my cousin, who's a few years older than me, I'm visiting my relatives up in this little town north of Amarillo.

And so we go down to Amarillo, 60 miles down to Amarillo, and he's going to take us to the Sportatorium to watch the Super Inferno, who I hated. I mean, this was on local television all over Texas, but one of the stops was there. And so we went, and I don't think I'd been to one yet. It was my first one. And I loved Wahoo McDaniels because he gets out there and just – and he comes back from anything, right? You'll think he's out of it.

And he ain't out of it. He just – he is amazing and fun. And, you know, I just loved him, loved him, loved him. And I hated the Super Inferno because he was like Russian or something, you know. You know, something that was easy to hate. Because all the propaganda we were getting about Russia, it was like their women are ugly. I'm like, no, they're not. You know, it took me a while.

It was like it was all like Pittsburgh because we talked so bad about my relatives about Pittsburgh because they hated the Steelers. bad about my relatives about pittsburgh because they hated the steelers and i just had this image of pittsburgh of this dark cloudy people bent over gray in the face and yeah first time i drove into pittsburgh i was like this place is gorgeous look at this place it's a blast it's a great place to perform oh yeah yeah it's always you know it Yeah. It's always been a big stop for me. I mean, once I got out of the club. Yeah. Pittsburgh's great. Cleveland's another one that's very underrated.

Yeah. Cleveland's fucking great. I always had a blast playing that improv down in the flats, man. And that titty bar right there in the parking lot. It was like, man, this is one-stop shopping for Ron White. How many dates are you doing a year these days? 110 cities last year. And then I try to do sets when I'm in town.

And I should do more. How nice is it to have a store, though? You know, it's great. I went to the memorial. Brody's? Yeah. I'd like to just tell your listeners that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see somebody. So don't ever, ever hesitate to say, I'm going to need that money.

You can't do it later. You can't get it from their mother at the funeral right you can't do it later you know you can't get it from their mother at the funeral you know you can't do that so very good point yeah so don't forget that every time i saw brody i gave him a hug that's one thing that brody and i always had in common with always always every single time i saw brody i gave him a big hug. Like, he was a big hugger. Yeah, you know, I only knew him as a brother, you know. You know, I feel important. I feel like it's important to me to be a part of the comedy community, you know, participate in it. If you're out there and you're a comedian and you want to be a comedian, you can be a comedian. But you've got to go be a comedian.

Yeah. And you've got to do it a comedian yeah and you got to do it every day yeah you know ever you know for the most part i know you're the same way i mean i know that you'd never pass up an opportunity to get behind a microphone whether it's the eight or ten million people to listen to this or the or 65 people and whatever it doesn't matter doesn't matter to me you got to do it all the time. It's the only way to do it. Right. If you don't do it all the time, you lose the touch

with the reality of it. And also, it's pace, rhythm, and how comfortable you are in any situation. You know, this situation

is just me and you talking or 26 people. I play the Laughing Skull in Atlanta. There's 65 people sold out. It's one of the hottest rooms I've ever had my hands on. I love that joint. Oh, isn't that cool? I did that place. Yeah. I did that place Skull in Atlanta. There's 65 people sold out. It's one of the hottest rooms I've ever had my hands on. I love that joint.

Oh, isn't that cool as shit? I did that place. Yeah. I did that place a couple years ago. Yeah, that was my hang when I lived out there. What a great place to practice. Yeah. Oh, it was.

It was great. It's a great staff, too. It's like they're comedy fans. Right. People that work there. The Vortex was a really cool bar next to it. Yeah. They have great burgers, right?

Yeah. They sell a lot of number one tequila is what they do. Nice. Yeah, that's a great little spot. If you could have a – that's what every city needs, right? They need a great little comedy community, you know, where you got up-and-comers that are really working on it, people that really appreciate good material.

Well, there was a really good comedy scene in Atlanta. And, like, a couple of guys that won last comic standing came out of Atlanta. That's great. I'm so bad with names. Yeah, it's only like, but if you stopped and think how many real comedy communities are there in the country? I don't even think there's 10. You think there's 10?

Well, you know, St. Louis has always had one. Chicago's always had one. Chicago's always had a good one. Denver's always had one. And of course had one. Chicago has always had a good one. Denver has always had one. And, of course, L.A., New York, Houston. Houston had one for a long time. That was Kennesaw and Hicks and Greenlee and Pineapple. Did you know Pineapple?

Yeah, I worked with Pineapple once. You know what he used to do? He would drive all the way across Houston to ignore me. That's what he did. He did it. He did it all the time, too. And he had no reason to ignore me. That's what he did. He did it all the time, too. He had no reason to be there. I know

that some of those guys didn't like me because I don't know why, but they were really, really cliquish. I went in there one night and had a horrible set. I was following Hicks. I had a really green show.

But in the right circumstance, in a comedy club, with nothing great happening before you, it kind of worked a little bit. But that night, it didn't work at all. But I was probably getting a little more work than those guys were, some of them. And they were like, he sucks. Well, the fact of the matter is, some of them. And they were like, oh, he sucks. Well, the fact of the matter is I did suck because my act would have – you know, you don't want to follow Hicks. I say that to make the story better.

I wasn't following Hicks. But he was – or Kennison, but they were both there. Oh, okay. And had done – but everybody was good. I mean, Greenlee was good. All these guys were seasoned pros. That was a hot lineup. But I never felt

like any of them liked me except for Hicks. And I came to see him do shows and I asked him to do the story about John Davidson and the mask. Oh, yeah.

And he goes, here's what he says. He goes, don't stand next to the exits, just a tip. Because people just walk out of the show when he does it. I watched him do that. He did that at Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston. And he cleared the fucking room, man. And it was crazy because at the end of the show there was me and Greg Fitzsimmons and maybe three or four other comics and five or six

people in the crowd there was like maybe 20 people left all told laughing our fucking asses right everybody else is getting up angry I saw it go both ways you know I've seen him beat crowds to death uh i i saw a set one night at the last stop in austin and nobody in the room could breathe and he was in the mood to do it and you know and you know and and i and i think sometimes he wasn't sometimes he wasn't yeah or whatever but he was in the mood and decided to just fucking stab us all in the face and uh and it was it was just it was beautiful he was exceptional you know whether or not people think he was one of the greats like that that's entirely subjectional right it's subjective rather it's completely up to your own interpretation but to me he changed comedy in a lot of ways because he made people talk about things that were important.

Because everybody else was talking about nonsense. You're talking about airline food and how come I can't lean my seat back. Standard, normal shit. I'm falling and I can't get up. Exactly right. And he was coming along talking about positive drug stories. You know, man on acid. Realize it all matters.

Energy condensed to a slow rhythmic vibration. Like that whole fucking bit was amazing. Here's Tom with the weather. Yeah, that bit was amazing. Yeah, no, no. It was, and he was influential. I mean, I think, I can say this about Bill Hicks,

and I am an expert at stand-up comedy. I would have a triple doctorate if you gave those kinds of things for the work. The amount of time I've put into it. 100%. And you, as a peer, would have the exact same thing. So for me to listen to someone's opinion about stand-up comedy, they have to have a lot of cred to me

before i really give a shit what they think okay so here's what you should think the only thing that every comic from my generation agrees on is he was better than us and that's the only thing that they agree on and and and they and i can't find anybody that has a big argument that he wasn't now was he the the best that ever lived no but did he influence me more than anybody else and you probably more than anybody else because you're certainly that way also you know right some somebody built that bridge yes and you And now you feel free to talk about anything. None of your act has ever hacked. There were a lot of hacks.

I think Hicks freed people not to be a hack. Yeah, he cured people of that. He made it shameful. You're talking about hacks. But there was also – And then you cured them of stealing material. I don't know if I did. I think it's still going on.

I guarantee you. There's a chain reaction to it, just like Kraft getting caught getting a blowjob. That shut down business all over the continental United States. Nobody walked into a spa without wondering whether or not it was a sting operation and your name was going to be blown out on them. Isn't that crazy? But here's the thing. There's a video of this guy doing a massage.

So they've got video of it, right? And at the end, the girl jerks him off. What if she didn't jerk him off? What if she just gave him a massage? What kind of a fucked up invasion of his privacy if he just went in there to get a massage? Right. Or was everybody just getting jacked off? I would imagine.

What are you saying? They offered him a plea deal to drop the charges, so I don't know what happened, really. He ratted everybody out. He's like, I need to stay above ground, kids. Well, I got to tell you, I was so lonesome. I took some comfort there in my lifetime, as Paul Simon once wrote. Okay, you know what? I'm not going to say it because it's just not worth it.

It's not worth it. It's not. It's not worth it. But everybody seems to be perfectly aware that they could be washing your feet. Yeah. And that's fine. Yeah. Why is it that a guy like that would go to a place like

that like he's so rich you don't think he has a guy if you don't have a guy you should get a guy look no further a cleaner look look no further than uh and and this is every everybody's going to realize how just how fading my memory is now. But the English actor that got caught with the hooker. Yes, Elizabeth Hurley's husband, Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant, right. Look at Hugh Grant. Married to the hottest woman on the planet at the time. Right.

Ruthlessly hot. Yeah, amazingly hot. He wasn't married to her either. Oh, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah, boyfriend and girlfriend. hot he wasn't married to her either right oh there's boyfriend girlfriend yeah boyfriend girlfriend and uh and even i couldn't understand that right i mean because i've you know i've i've been with a couple of hot chicks before in my life but this was he wanted it freaky yeah he and i you know i i get that and it comes back to that appetite thing that guys have.

I've gotten a handjob from somebody, and I admit this, and it was the best sex I've ever had in my life because it was somebody that was, number one, it was a great massage and this tantric thing going on. But it was fantastic and pricey. And it's free most anywhere. And that's in Vegas, as legal as it can be. Right. You know, they have milking tables that have a hole your dick hangs through. Jesus, really?

And they do. A table? A milking table. Look it up. Is that better for the guy if he lies on his stomach? Well, you don't have – you got somewhere to put that – you got somewhere to put the heart on. I felt like he just laid on your back. No?

But it makes more sense hygienically to have like a hole in the bottom of the table. It'll be on the screen, I'm sure, soon. That is ridiculous. Listen, listen. Listen, listen, listen. And I'm not – all I'm saying is that in – like in Canada, you know, or the most of the rest of the world. Right. It's – getting a tug is really not considered a crime of any kind whatsoever and is harmless and who gives a shit.

Well, why is it okay to massage your feet, but it's not okay to massage your dick? You know what? I would rather massage my dick than my own feet. I would. And I prove it on a regular basis. Yeah. Regular basis. I think the problem really is sex trafficking. That's the problem.

And that is a horrible, you know, that's the worst thing that I can imagine. But again, I'm not going to... It's horrible. It's horrible. You know, that's the worst thing that I can imagine. But, again, I'm not going to go there. No, I know what you're saying. Because it's the most horrific thing you can imagine. The most horrific thing you can imagine. It's taking someone's baby.

I just finished watching that series about taking Madeline. And so I'm like, I just can't even. That, I would support anything, any way, shape, or form to have it stomped out, spend billions of dollars, put boots on the ground, stop it if you can in any way you can. Women who are trying to be legitimate sex workers, whether or not you think that's a thing, they – It doesn't matter what I think. It or not you think that's a thing, they, you know, in their eyes. It doesn't matter what I think. It is a thing. It is a thing.

You know, go down to, I just went to Amsterdam before I took my mother to Barcelona because I wanted a little three-day stopover before I spent eight days with mom in Barcelona. And there's science. Don't take pictures of our sex workers. Our sex workers. Yeah. Not sex workers. Our sex workers, our sex workers, not sex, our sex workers. Right.

And, I mean, they totally own it and go, hey, this is not a bad deal. You know, you know what you're qualified to do? Make french fries. Or, it turns out you're super hot, and in our country, you can have this job, or in this country, you can have this job, just not everywhere. Yeah, there's only a couple spots in this country, right? Like part of Nevada? Yeah, Nevada.

I don't even know. I think it's just Nevada. I think that's it, but to me, something's illegal. This is important, okay? I play Vegas a lot, right? I'm 10 weekends a year at the Mirage. And marijuana is legal recreationally now, and they have the biggest dispensary in the world.

It's like Universal made it or something. I went in there. It was fantastic. And prostitution is legal. You can drink a liquor 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And I realized that I'm a law-abiding citizen. Here, when I'm standing on this part of the United States ground, I don't break any laws at all. I can be free.

That's why I feel so good when I go to Vegas. That's why people go, do you like Vegas? Do you get tired of it? I'm, no! You know why? Because I can breathe deep, motherfucker. That's why. I can be who I am. I can do it openly. And so can everybody else.

Same thing. And that's why I've sold out 150 shows in a way. You sold out when I was there way. 150,000 shows there. Same with Amsterdam. You sold out when I was there when I saw you. You realize it's the law that causes the paranoia. Because when you're in Amsterdam in one of those coffee shops, smoking a joint, drinking a badass cup of coffee, it's fun and free, you know, freeing,

and it's the way it should be. You know, the fact of the matter is, the same thing happens to me in Florida with just a little bit. I'm handcuffed, taken to jail, and moved from city jail to county jail and processed and fingerprinted and photographed. They printed my address on the Internet.

So people, anybody in the world could just walk straight over to the house. I don't think anybody did because nobody gives a shit. Except for a few people did write, Ron White has a jet? That's the part I don't believe. But anyway. Yeah, man, the law is the real problem. When you make alcohol illegal, you made organized crime big. That's what happened.

They learned that from prohibition. They should be learning that from all the drug problems we have in this country country i guarantee you marijuana will be selling for the price of corn in 20 years because it takes the same amount of effort to grow it right no it's easier it's probably easier you probably need less pesticides right you know there's um there's a gigantic problem south of our border folks with drugs and it's because of us it's 100 because of us we've i mean not us like you and me i don't do any drugs they sell the pot that i get i get from people that grow it in california but there's a lot of people that buy coke and if you buy coke or meth you're probably buying it from someone down there and you know there's a goddamn thriving industry that would

go away if we made things legal if we gave people people. Like you, Ron White. Yeah. You're telling me you shouldn't be able to go buy Coke? Who the fuck are they to tell you you can't buy Coke? First of all, you sell tequila. Right. You kill yourself with tequila. And you can get way more fucked up on my tequila. Yeah. Or no.

Quick. As fucked up. As fucked up. As fucked up as heroin. Yes. As fucked up as anything else. Probably easier to kill yourself. On my own amazingly great tequila, I have found myself puking because I'm an idiot and got just too carried away.

It's probably easier to kill yourself with tequila than it is with Coke. You probably have to do a lot of Coke to die. It's probably hard to do that Coke at the end when your fucking nose is bleeding your heart's pounding out of your chest you gotta take another bump to push yourself over the edge it's probably hard in a scar face oh yeah oh yeah right he lived no he didn't have cocaine they shot him up 55 times yeah they didn't die show that footage no joey diaz is alive and well he tried joey diaz is alive and well right you gotta do a lot of coke to kill you especially well joey diaz that motherfucker can eat rat poison dead he can eat rat poison and go do a show right he'd be mocking death fuck you cocksucker i went to see him and uh i went to

see him in austin he was playing in austin and i'm like yeah yeah i went out and watched him just blister a crowd. He's the GOAT. I mean, he just blistered them. He's my GOAT. It was so much fun to watch. I see him do short sets all the time, but I got to watch him do 50. I think he did probably around 50 minutes or something like that.

It was great. We had a blast. Try replicating that in this fucking sanitized world. Right. Where there's Purell everywhere you turn. The thing is, if you're true, and here's something I believe, that if it's a comic or whatever, if you're true to your nature, then enough people will be attracted to that. The only mistake you can make is to not be true to your nature yeah right and if you look at all the great or really successful comics in the in the history of comedy they they were true to who they were i mean you know cosby but but you know... Yeah, he tricked everybody. Yeah, he pulled one over on us.

Can you imagine if he was honest? What I like to do... Yeah. Is drug women. And fuck them while they're unconscious. So I never really did that bit on stage. Yeah, I never really did that bit on stage very much. Can I do it on your show, dude?

Oh, fuck yeah. Let me think about it. Okay. How's it go? How's it go? It goes, Bill Cosby. In Bill's defense, he explained to us years ago how much he hates cursing, and no one curses more than a wide-awake woman who's being raped.

That's a terrible joke it's a joke i know but it made me cry laughing because it's so fucked up i mean you look it's both true and fucked up right it is true oh yeah it is yeah it's not an endorsing rape that's why i never really found a spot in the opening lineup that's an hour and 20 minutes long. You could have opened with that motherfucker, sir. I know, I do. You know what? It was always just a mixed review. It made people think.

Yes. You know, it was like baby duck pussy lip tacos. You know, you either liked it or you didn't like it, but you listened to the next bit. Well, you made sense, though. It does make sense. I mean, it really does. It's a joke. It's just a funny thing to say.

I think we all should have known. With his trying to control other people, he was always trying to control young black comics and stop them from swearing. Right, right, right. There was that famous thing that he said to Pryor. Yeah. The people laughed. And he called Pryor. Yeah. Shut people laughed. And he called Pryor. Shut up and eat, drink a Coke and shut the fuck up.

Did you get paid? Yeah. Yeah. Tell Bill to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Right. Yeah, that's it. That's it. There's a guy that I'd like to get back into comedy, Eddie Murphy.

Eddie, if you're out there, get back into comedy. I laughed so hard at Raw. Raw know raw was so good delirious delirious one of the best comedy specials of all time i think so of all time and he did this thing and also himself yes bill cosby himself was very good you know a lot of comics learned a lot about stand-up comedy watching bill cosby himself. Oh, yeah. He knew how to hold a moment. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it was beautiful. He worked slow. You know, that thing was framed like this. Yeah. The whole show was just his face. No cutaway to fucking people laughing in the audience or cheesy shots from up here where you can't see who it is. It was just framed in right just on his face. And it was gorgeous work, just gorgeous work. I've thought about this many times.

Do you think that those people from back in that era, from back in like the 60s and the 50s, that they used to drug each other and they didn't think it was as big a deal? Like that men would do that which what we would consider today to be horrific you know the idea that you would take someone's daughter and drug her and fuck it's horrific oh yeah we want violent repercussions for that that's how yeah violent i want to smash but do you think that maybe back then they were ignorant that they didn't know any better like you always hear about people slipping people a Mickey.

Did they think it was cute? Were they actually doing – like how many men were doing that back then? Do you know what I'm saying? You know, I find myself to be so conservatively – that I really can't think outside in that box. You know, I just watched that documentary about them taking that girl. They don't know what happened to her. She was three years old. But it talked a lot about recovery and just how sick a fucking world is out there.

And I can't even think about it. I mean, this one detective had to look through these dark websites. And I'm like, and look at these images. You can't unlook at those images. No, you can't. It's just a sickening thing. You know, Ron, they're having a hard time with that with people that work for social media sites. When they have to take down videos like on Facebook and things like that, like a lot of them, like they're taking down these horrific videos, like horrible, all day long.

These people are just finding the things that are like horrible accidents, horribleinations isis videos and they're just taking him down right you know i was on jim norton's show one time he showed me a video of a guy fucking a snake and i'm like dude i don't want to see any of this shit was it jim was he fucking his name jim no it wasn't jim it wasn't jim and that and he's very very funny and i i love to whatever i do with jim is fun but he looks at anything on the you know he's an animal people cutting the heads off and all that stuff and i but he just said well look at this and i'm like the guy's it's snake pussy he found a snake pussy and stuck his well you ever see a snake egg it's you know regular size cock so you know it's a fucking hole yeah it's

find a hole the dudes haven't fucked i'll find Find a hole that dudes haven't fucked. I'll find you a hole that can't be fucked. Find the fetish. I love Jim Norton for the same reason why I love you. He's just himself. He's not pretending to be anybody. He's himself. He's not pretending to be somebody that won't watch a man fuck a snake.

He'll watch men fuck men. He loves everything. He likes transgender women. He gets off on it. And he's he watched men fuck men he he loves everything he likes he likes transgender women he he gets off on it gets he gets and he's open about it talks about all the time to the point where when he was on opie and anthony and when they were in their prime it was like one of their major themes was that uh norton is into uh transgender women what's that called i don't know it's called being jim norton right he's happy i mean there's got to be a name right yeah there's probably some name some there's probably like a slang term for it

right and there's probably some sort of uh you know i would think if anybody knew what that was it would be you that yeah i've never heard jamie do you think there's a word for dudes who are only into transgender women i bet there is if there't, we could probably make that up. Now, you're talking about... For sure, there's got to be one. A man that's now a woman. Right, right, right. Not a woman that's now a man.

Well, there should be two, right? There's peggers, which is a man who's now a woman but still has a dick, and she can peg you. Yeah, right. She's your girlfriend, and she can fuck your ass. I had sex with a woman that was a – she played for the WNBA. Whoa. She said 6'3", but I know she was a full head taller than me. And she was so tall, she could stick a finger in my ass.

Whoa. me and she was so tall she could stick a finger in my ass whoa she her arms were so long that she could reach around while i was wow and stick a finger in my ass and i'm like let's just go to the church you know get married let's get this over with make some gladiator children that's right big funny dude come on in my search here i haven't found that term, but have you ever heard of a lesbian man? A lesbian man? What does that mean? Okay. I'll take a stab at it.

Okay, help me. It's a man who turns himself into a woman, but he still likes women. Yeah, but he can keep his penis, I think. I think that's what's going on. Does he keep his penis? Yeah. Some of them identify. He doesn't turn into. He just likes to be pegged by women. Yeah, but he can keep his penis, I think. I think that's what's going on. Does he keep his penis? Yeah. Some of them identify. He doesn't turn into. He just likes to be pegged by women.

Oh. And he's not into guys. Huh? I've never heard that term. I just, I'm looking for it. So what do they call him? A lesbian man. Right.

So he only likes getting fucked by women. You know what? I want to be a bisexual. Oh. That just opens the field up all the way. That shuts it down. You're right. And who's gonna that's

like a iq how big is that pond to fish from question not very big not very big a lesbian man imagine if like that's all you'll put the bat signal out i'm a lesbian man i'm just looking for gals to peg me i bet there's a lot of them that would want to fuck you just for revenge how much of that is uh women that why is it that pretty women don't seem to have any problem with men like a lot of them are like pretty easy going about men but if you have bad genetics like if you got dealt a wrong end of the stick that's that is if there's like people talk about income inequality in this country and that's definitely a real thing but if there's a real thing it's like who do people want to fuck inequality in this country and that's definitely a real thing but if there's a real thing it's like who do people want to fuck inequality in this country and that's off the goddamn charts right

i mean it's just as men and as women we just have to we have to understand some people they have a unearned tyranny on sexual affection it's unearned they didn't have to do anything like these russian women the people are lying to you about right yeah you meet them and you go jesus it's just russian gladiator genetics in perfect like model form and you're like holy shit let me get the fuck out of this room quick i was on a cruise one time i was was married. And I had rented like the back quarter. I rented the same spot Oprah stays in. And it cost a fortune.

And we're out on the deck. And there's two big suites in the middle and another one just like mine at the end. But the one that was in this one, which was also a real expensive room, was this Russian dude, and he was short, kind of chunky and bald, but the girl that was with him was just a 12, and I knew the second I saw her, I was fucked

because there's no way my wife was not going to catch me just at least taking one little glimpse out of the corner of my eye. And then she was going, oh, that's what you want. You'd rather fuck her than me. And I'm like, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. Why would I? Why would I? That's outrageous. What an outrageous assertion. What an accusation. Yeah. If they only knew how vulnerable we are to a woman like that it's like that woman can there's a lot of people that that woman can like run their life

and they they'll meet a guy who's an accountant who's never fucked at 12 and they'll start talking to him and basically anything anything they want to do. As long as they're willing to actually touch him. As long as they're willing to stick their fucking beautiful tongue in that guy's mouth. He's hopeless. Suck on his lips and grind that pussy against his dick and

grab his ass cheeks and put your finger on the base of his taint and rub it while you stick your tongue down his throat and his dick is hard as a rock. These things have never happened to this man. There goes the neighborhood. Just back the car up to the house. Throw the keys in the fucking yard.

Tell the kids. Yeah, that's that Ice-T song. I really hoped it wouldn't turn out this way. There goes the neighborhood. Ice-T and body count fuck yeah there's certain women that you could they could just run you oh i know i know i know i know i know i get it yeah i get it i married one of them gotta be careful they just get you if you if you're not if you're not here's the thing

how much of that like for dudes who you there's certain cases where you know it's not gonna work like god damn it this dude

he's like a a small sheep and he married a wolf right it's just a matter of time before she fleeces him and gets the fuck out of Dodge and hopefully he'll still be alive

But this is not going to work out We've all seen that before We've all seen that I wish I could tell you this story I wish you could too Let's shut this fucking podcast off And resume in ten minutes Okay, alright

Let me tell you this story Because I just don't want to say it I understand Because it's intertwined with something Right, right, right But it's very, very pertinent To what you just said. Is there any legal ramifications?

Can anybody go to jail? No. Can anybody get sued? No. No, I don't think so. And it's the truth. So I'll just create a fictional scenario. Let's call the gentleman... What do you want to call him?

Let's call him Todd Blaker. Todd Blaker. Todd Blaker. Okay, no, I can't even do it this way. Because I'll get chastised. I'll get... Thank you. I think people would find out.

Slow down. Let's be careful. And also, I'm drunk. And I know you get me drunk on your show. Oh, it's my fault. Those fucking people on Reddit, they had their fingers above the keys. They were hovering. They were ready to start searching.

No, no, no. There is no such thing as a guy named Matt. And I will not tell the story on this. There's no need. But anyway, what was amazing was I saw it happening in front of me. Yeah. You know, his wife was, they'd been married for a long time and he didn't look like much and and uh and at all and uh and and there was a kind of an assistant and uh

that was ridiculously gorgeous and and so i just looked at that and I was like, uh. You know where this is going. Yeah, and it went exactly where I thought it was going. And there was nothing he could do. I mean, absolutely, he was completely powerless over this person. You know, there was nothing he could do. He would give everything. Oh, yeah, like Gary Oldman in Dracula. Remember that? over this person you know there was nothing he could do he would give everything oh yeah like

gary oldman and dracula remember that we were like when no one to ride it was just hypnotized by him yeah she was opening her shirt in the middle of the night and gary oldman would be slithering into the fucking windows as mist right or body heat with uh it's like oh yeah with kathleen turner throws the fucking chair through the window. Oh, throw the fucking ice in the fucking bathtub. Yeah. He didn't even want to use the door to fuck her. Yeah, right. People forgot how goddamn hot.

Break in. Oh, yeah, that was great. How hot was Kathleen Turner back in the dizziness? Oh. Woo! People don't know. As hot as it gets. As hot as it gets.

She was so sexy. I mean, she developed some health problems as she got older, but when she was young, holy shit. Yeah. It was amazing. Holy shit. Was she hot? Yeah.

There was a lot of those guys. If you ever feel like rubbing one off thinking about me, I owe you a few. So go ahead and do it. Nice. Nice. Reciprocation. Yeah. It's hard when you're watching a guy get preyed upon.

When you're watching a man struggle with the fucking spider's web, and you're you're like well hey man you know it'll be fun when she does fuck you right yeah yeah right so as long as you can stay active right get close to her don't want to get too much money yeah be careful yeah it uh i i know because uh you know the the wife had been around for a long time and and it was a contract. Right. So there goes that part of it. But I think the paperwork was fairly solid, and towards the end of like a limit or whatever. Okay, now everybody's going to know who it is.

No, just keep moving. All right. I knew a guy who was about to marry a gal and he was trying to do no prenuptial. And my friends were screaming at him. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? And he's like, look, man, if it doesn't work out, I'd like her to have half. And they went, what? It's almost like you wish you had garlic to put around his neck.

Right now you're telling Noah about the flood. So really? They had two animals and they both brought them on? You're ugly. She's not. Okay? Understand this world is not fair. The reality of not fair is you made enough money to attract her,

but she's got a web. You might get hooked. You might get injected. Or you might be able to figure out a way to attract her but she's got a she's got a web and you might get hooked you might get injected or you might be able to figure out a way to keep her nervous right how you do that job you gotta act mysterious bro i'm serious you gotta have like a book is that how you did it yeah special books that you read you gotta be moody gotta go on early morning runs while they're still asleep you gotta get show powers i'm're still asleep. You've got to show powers that they don't possess. I'm not doing any of these things.

You've got to show powers they don't possess. I haven't done one of these things, Joe. You have to be different. You have to be able to quote Shakespeare. Yeah, you've got to be willing to give up a lot of money. If you're an ugly dude and you've got a hot wife, you've got a certain amount of time before she gets bored with you. Good Lord.

You've got to fuck her trainer. Right. Her trainer. You're right. What I think is going to happen is within the next i've seen that exact same thing oh i've seen that happen yeah i've uh i've been friends with a lot of people where that's happened um what i think is going to happen within the next 50 years is they're going to be able to eliminate the idea of unattractive people legitimately through through dna right i think they're going to be able to do that where they're not going to know the world that we knew when we were kids no internet no fake tits sometimes people were just unattractive

no one knew anything about diet nobody worked out nobody worked out yep when i was in high school nobody fucking worked dudes would like bench press and shit. How many women lifted weights when we were in high school? The cheerleaders were in good shape. Yeah, for a little while. Yeah, for a little while, and they got fat. Nobody kept going. Did Rocky really start the big movement? Started my movement.

That's what I've read about it, but I don't know how true it is because I was way too young. Dude, when Rocky came out, I think I was seven. I drank raw eggs and ran around the block. And I told Sylvester Stallone that. I don't doubt that one single bit. I 100% did. I was like, holy shit, I want to be a fighter. I started drinking eggs and running.

I never ran. I was seven years old. Fuck am I doing running? Maybe I was eight. It had no such effect on me. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I was like, we're running! I'm fucking running! It was eight. It had no such effect on me. I was like, we're running. I'm fucking running.

It was amazing. Maybe I was eight. I don't even know how old I was. But I remember when it came out, I'd never been more inspired for something in my life. That movie changed the world. People don't even understand. How good it was. He lives on my street, by the way.

Does he really? Yeah, he does. He's coming on the podcast. I saw him one time driving his Range Rover with a big cockatiel on his shoulder and I'm like well that's kind of cool there he is

there he is running around fucking weights in his hand and shit running with Converse All Stars one of the reasons why I wear them

to this day they might not be All Stars they might be Keds they might be like some cheap Walmart version who knows

but this is some fucking epic shit in the 1970s. What year was this movie? Let's take a guess. What year do you think it was? I want to say it was like 79? Yeah, 76. 76?

The Spirit of 76 was the rematch. No, it was 76 because that was when Apollo Creed. 76, yeah. I had a middle act that was doing one-nighters across, I believe it was Alabama. And he drove a 1970, he drove the Bicentennial Vega, right? So it was a Vega, the 76 Vega had 76, you know, some things that would, you know, celebrate the sesquicentennial or whatever it was. That was probably 200 years, I guess.

I don't know. I don't know. A long time. I was nine years old when this movie came out, so that's exactly how old I was. I got to tell you, his technique's not that good. He needs to tighten up on his swing like the way he's throwing

punches he needed a coach well he got one in Carl Weathers this was in Rocky 2 right Rocky 2 Carl Weathers became his, was it Rocky 3 3 right because that was when he fought

Mr. T that's right right yeah before he's dead hey woman hey woman since that man ain't got no heart i bet you stay up every night wishing you had a real man bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and i'll show you a real man he probably would i couldn't believe he was saying that to rocky right right it was like if he was saying that to Rocky. Right? Right, it was like if he was saying it to Wahoo McDaniels, you know? Yeah, man. Oh, I didn't even finish that story.

Oh, yeah, what happened? So here's what happened. My first encounter with the police. I found out that the bad guys were coming out of one side, one dressing room, and the good guys were coming out of the other side. So I went up to the stands and waited for the super inferno to come out. And when he came out, I spit on him. I just spit on him.

It was a big old, I hated it. Really, I did. I've never hated anybody before. I'm eight. Just spit on him. And the cops saw me do it. And they came and got me. And they took me to my cousin.

And they're like, he spit on the Super Inferno. He was like, oh, that's horrible. If he does anything, you just keep it. But afterwards, my cousin thought it was hilarious. Of course he did. That's a story. I was trying to put him out. Yeah.

The Super Inferno. Oh, I get it. Yeah. It's funny. Yeah. Yeah. The Super Inferno. Oh, I get it.

Yeah. It's funny. Yeah. I don't think I've ever been to see a live professional wrestling match other than Eleanor Kerrigan from the Comedy Store. Well, you know, Tony and those guys, they go to these things. Oh, yeah. And they're like, you got to go with us. And I'm like, nah, you know, all right.

Tony was responsible for 10 minutes of my last special. Me shitting on him for Lord Professor. Right, right, right, it was. I remember it.

I remember it. He loves it. Yeah, he does that show, the four, what is it called? Four Stormin', I believe.

Four Stormin'. It's a, they do a wrestling podcast from the comedy store with a bunch of other comics. Who are the other guys? Find out their names. You'll find it out in one.

But yeah, he loves that shit. Loves it. He's always like, dude, you can watch it with me. You'll love it. I loved it when I was a kid. It's the store horseman. Oh, store horseman. Oh, perfectly.

Who are the gentlemen that are involved in this venture with him? Fun show. I did it once. Tony Hinchcliffe, Johnny Skordas, Matt Edgar, and Josh Martin. There you go. There you go. Chris Burns. There you go.

He's up on top. There you go. Yeah, they do it from the basement. You've been in that studio downstairs in the basement? I did a podcast out of there. Fucking great down there, man. i love the fact that the comedy store has embraced podcasts you know what the comedy store embraces what's important always yeah over any other place so you know what they embrace comedians and they you know customers

really come second uh to the comics there so because there's one parking lot people probably don't know this but there's one parking lot holds about 30 cars or something like that or 20 cars or whatever and guess who gets to park there the comedians that are playing that night they get to pull right up and park by the door and that is so cool to me and not only that there's a bar that if your name is not written on that building you can't go in it without somebody whose name is written on that building. And it's so cool to have your name written on that building and go to that bar that's just for you. And they have my number one tequila, and I can smoke cigars. And not everybody can smoke in there, but I get that one little extra deal. They don't give a fuck.

They'll let you do whatever you want in there. So, yeah, yeah. And, you know, there's a place to smoke pot. They built a glass piano for prior to snort cocaine off of because they understood. Here's what they understood, Joe. Here's what they understood. They understood that comics are insane yeah so come be insane here yeah you know if if you're crazy we get it we don't care yeah come be crazy here

you know and and then at the improv you had bud friedman go going language language watch your language he's fucking him say that i heard him it. And the first time I ever came to the comedy store, which was probably in 90 or 89, I made a sojourn out here to see what happened. So I don't know anything. I don't know anything. I don't have any friends. I don't know anything. I stayed in the cheapest hotel room on Sunset Boulevard, which was $50,

which was outrageous back then. And the first day I got into an elevator with this huge black transvestite that was all dressed up going to a show, going to one of those big drag queen shows. And I was like, okay, alright. I went to the comedy store first. It was a Monday night and they fucking put me on. I told them I've been doing

stand-up in Texas for a couple of years and they fucking put me on. I didn't do very well. Not necessarily. Early in the set, same piano player. You know, nothing changes. But I would go to the improv, and Bud would come over to me and go. And he knew me because he'd seen me do open mic at the improv or be the opening act in the improv in Dallas.

And he'd come up to me and go, Ron, could you do me a favor? I'm like, yeah, bud, what? Could you stand over there because you're blocking the way through here for the, I'm like, okay. A little further, a little further. Okay, okay.

So they just wouldn't, you know, I was a new guy, you know, and all I needed was, you know, a break. Whether I deserved it or not, and all I needed was a break. Whether I deserved it or not, they gave it to me. It's a store. The store has a heart that way. Well, the store is – the art form is primary. That's everything.

Yeah, it's everything. The art form is everything. It's everything. It's built around that art form. They didn't used to let the agents and the managers in. You had to buy a ticket. If you were a CAA agent, you wanted to come see this guy or that guy or Ron White, you had to buy a ticket. That was the only place in town.

So the agents couldn't just come in and run the place like they did in a lot of places. They would come, they would be in the back of the room talking. I remember I went to a showcase once. It was back with William Morris. Put on this showcase of the comedians they represented and they did it at a club, like a nightclub on Sunset. And Nick DiPaolo was on stage.

Yeah. And they asked me to perform. I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. I'm like, there's no way I'm going to perform at this. I know what this is. I'm like, I'm not looking to get hired for anybody. I'm already represented. I go, I'm going to perform at this. I know what this is. I'm like, I'm not looking to get hired for anybody. I'm already represented. I go, I'm going to watch.

This is going to be a disaster. So I go with my manager, and I'm in the top level, and everyone's talking. All these fucking agents and agents assistants are drunk. Hardest crowd. They're not even watching. For no reason. They're not even The hardest crowd. They're not even watching. For no reason. They're not even watching, Ron. And so I'm watching these guys struggle on stage where no one, John Henson goes up and then Nick DiPaolo goes up.

But Nick was the only one who said anything about it. About everybody fucking talking at the top. Like, these are my fucking agents? This is unbelievable. He was making fun of it. But it was, the comedy store would never allow that. They would kick everybody out of that room. Get the fuck out of here.

Right. Like, fuck out of here. Right. Get out of here. And they still to this day don't tolerate that kind of shit. They don't breed that kind of thing. You can't have Hollywood and comedy. And also, let me go on record as saying this, Joe. I'm not saying I don't like the other rooms. And I'm not saying I'm not glad they're there. And I'm not saying I don't need the other rooms. And I'm not saying I'm not glad they're there.

And I'm not saying I don't need them as bad as I need the store. They're good, solid comedy rooms. And I think they're trying to make the adjustments. Because somebody asked me the other day at one of the other clubs, why do the comics hang out at the comic store? I'm like, oh, yeah, let me tell you. Well, number one, you don't sell my tequila and they do and uh and but also they they when i come to your place i got either i got i got a valet park and pay for it you pay me 25 to do a set they35. Now, both of these numbers are low.

But to some comics, they'd rather have that other $10. They notice the $10. The guys who need the money for sure notice it. In a lot of cases, you have to choose between those two clubs. Is it still that way?

No. I mean, I know it was. No, the store and the improv in particular get along really well. We get along really well now. And Paige, who does all the booking for the improv, is always at the well. We get along really well now. And Paige, who does all the booking for the improv is always at the store and she's good friends with Adam.

Okay. So we're all around together. That's good. Yeah. That's why I offered you a spot on the show that I'm doing tonight at the improv. If you wanted to do it because I'm, I'm there all the time.

Yeah. You're doing a show tonight. Yeah. I'm doing a show at eight o'clock tonight. The improv. I got another one Thursday night at the improv. I'll do the one tonight. Full of like, yeah, Ron White. at 8 o'clock tonight, the improv. I've got another one Thursday night at the improv. Anytime. I'll do the one tonight.

Full of like, yeah, Ron White. Yeah. Beautiful. I mean, how drunk am I now? And what time is it? The perfect time. It's 5 o'clock. All right.

By the time 8 o'clock rolls around, you'll be simmering. You'll be like braised beef. I'm going to need Adderall. You'll be falling off the bone. That's what I want to do. Are you putting it into your schedule? It's three hours from now. Oh, Jay McGraw, your boyfriend.

I love him. I had his daddy on the show. I know. He's calling me now. His daddy was dropping science. His daddy. His dad's a fucking genius. Dr. Phil?

Yep. He's a great guy. Like, people who don't know Dr. Phil, he's a fucking great guy. You know, he sent me a text the other day, and he goes, I've got this idea. You're going to think it's crazy.

We meet at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and I play a lot of golf with Doc, and I know him well, and I have for 10 years or whatever. Who's Doc? Dr. Phil. Oh.

You remember who we're talking about? Yeah, but he said Doc. I never called him Doc. I called him Phil. Oh, I call him Doc. Jay's dad. I'm Jay's daddy. Can Jay come out and play?

That's what I say. So he goes, all right, here's what we should do. We should do a two-man show. I know he's out of production, and I know he's bored, and he's also hurt. He's had that motorcycle wreck. He's got new shoulder surgery. Right. He's like, he really can't play golf.

I know he's just bored. I would do anything Dr phil wanted to do you know because i i love spending time with him and uh and he and all anything he does is a big success anyway so i would do it but he really here was his idea okay it's a it's a it's a two-man show on broadway it okay it's a it's a it's a two-man show on broadway right and he goes and then you know i'm not sure how it starts and i'm like okay it would probably start where the curtain opens and you and i are standing there because it's a two-man show on broadway that's probably how it starts and he goes and then we can do a Q&A. And I'm like, no, we'd have to do something before the Q&A, Doc.

Because we've done that before, and it's hilarious. As close as we are, I mean, where we're born and our circumstances in life. And he's completely undimensionally fucking beyond me as far as any kind of success that anybody's ever had. But we both came from nothing in the same part of the world. And so we have this connection that people have a hard time understanding. You know, I can't believe you and Dr. Philil or literally we tell people we love each other and that's i mean and and and and to give you a good example that he took me diving we flew on his gulf stream to the cayman islands and i didn't have a certificate or anything but i'd had one it

was just expired and and and so we went on this dive and he watched me like I was four years old the whole time we were underwater. And if I got close to something I shouldn't touch, you know, he's like. So I know he loves me, right? I know he loves me. And so, but he really didn't have an idea. But I just knew that he was bored and he wanted to have lunch and talk about something. I'm like, let's talk about it, because I would do anything. I would love to figure out something to do with him that makes sense, because we come off really fun together in a juxtaposition situation, right, and our views,

even though we come from a similar background, how different the views are in some ways and how similar they are in some ways. So it's fun stuff. We should do your podcast together. I would love it. Yeah, he just did it. He just did it like two weeks ago, right?

Yeah, I knew that. I knew that. I knew that he told me. No, he's exceptional. Love that guy. He's a fucking easygoing guy, too. Really easy to be around. Right.

You know? Like, comfortable in his own skin. You know, there's a reason why he's so successful. Right. It's not like anybody could do that. Like, look at that Dr. Oz guy. That Dr. Oz guy. I'd watch him, and I was like, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know i don't know i don't know doc well you know he he does three unscripted hours a day all day and he does a podcast now and i did his podcast because also during that lunch he said i also have a podcast and i'm gonna start it up and uh and i'm gonna i'm gonna do a few people before i do you just get used to it and then i have you come on i'm like well for sure i'll do that how funny is that he thinks he needs to get used to it all right yeah he does unscripted television all day long with a camera in his face all day long well it turns out he didn't need to get used to it he was great at it from the very beginning of course he was yeah that's the same exact skill he talks

to people he knows how to talk to people he knows how to listen that's he was yeah that's the same exact skill he talks to people he knows how to talk to people he knows how to listen that's the it does yeah that's like what is missing yeah and a lot of people when it comes to yeah i was playing golf with him one time when i was going through a divorce and uh people ask me does he give unsolicited advice and i'm like he doesn't give solicited advice even if you ask so i'm i'm playing golf with him and i'm like doc this uh this divorce is killing me it's just killing me and he goes keep your head still when you putt that's what he said and i'm like what he goes keep your head still when you putt you you're in a better mood when you putt well, but you're moving your head all over the place. So why don't we start with keep your head still when you putt, which now is a metaphor for a lot of things to me.

It's keep your head still when you putt. You know, do what you do well. You know, it's what makes you feel better or whatever, you know. But in that particular case, those were really simple words, and I know they were right off the cuff, and I've thought about them all the time since. Keep your head still when you putt. That's solid advice. Yeah, right.

So it's a little – be more centered. Be in the zone. I'm not – If you're playing pool, keep your head down when you shoot. Right, keep your head down when you shoot. Don't jump up on the shot. Right. And that was a –

Follow through. But you wouldn't exactly call it advice, but it was. It was something I listened to and continue to think about to this fucking day. It is advice. Because if you're really good at golf in that respect, if you know how to not move your head, that's a discipline where you can apply that to the rest of your life right here you know you're if you're loose and you're not thinking and you're fucked up and you're not using good technique your head's going to be all over the place right

same thing with pool stay down in your shop right now archery yeah oh yeah keep your head still yeah yeah follow through correct follow through it's important. So more you try to control it, be all herky-jerky and shit. Archery is one of the most zen things I've ever done in my life, surprisingly. Surprisingly zen. You know, Foxworthy, when he built his big house in Georgia, he had deer set up, deer targets set up that he could walk out on the balcony of his office and get his bow and arrow. For what?

Yeah. For what? Yeah. For what? I have them in my yard. I have them all over the place. We had a deer problem in our neighborhood, and I said, you know what you ought to do? Just shut the gates and turn Foxworthy loose in here with a pillow, and he would kill everything in here. He's a natural-born killer, he is.

You got to be real careful with people shooting arrows in neighborhoods. They do that in certain places. They have these residential deer hunting permits where they allow bow hunters to come in and shoot deer in suburban communities. Because they just have such an overpopulation that too many people are hitting them with their cars. Right, yeah. Yeah, so there's places like, I think there was one place in Pennsylvania. In Texas, you can feed them Doritos out of your hand. Yeah. They'll just spread around you and go,

yeah, here's a bag of Doritos. Especially those high fence places, right, where they have feeders set up for them. There's a place in Pennsylvania. Look up, this is true. There's a neighborhood where you can hunt deer there. Remind me to tell you the pig story. A pig story?

Tell me that. No, no, go ahead. No, I'm done. All right. Jamie will Google the Pennsylvania place where you can hunt deer 365 days a year. All right. So let me figure out a way to tell this story. Okay.

You know, Jay, our buddy Jay McGraw is a TV producer, right? So they produce The Doctors and The Dr. Phil Show and The Bull on CBS, but they also have another 10 or 12 shows on any level of cable, and if they can sell it, they'll make it. It's a TV production company.

So the guy that made the movie, and I always screw up his name, so I'm going to have you look it up, did the movie, and I always screw up his name, so I'm going to have you look it up, that did the movie about the kid, and it took 16 years to make, Linklider, am I saying it right, from Texas. I don't know that movie. What was that movie?

They followed him from the time he was a kid? Yeah, but the movie took 16 years to make. Oh, yeah. It was called About a Boyhood. About a Boyhood. Boyhood, yeah. And the director was... Jamie's got a lot of tabs open.

I think Linkletter. Yep. Yep. Okay. So he bought two... I just want to get the story right. Got it. He bought two miniature pot-bellied pigs that turned out to be not miniature pot-bellied pigs.

Whitney Cummings says that's not real at all. Those miniature pigs are just starved little pigs. Okay, let me finish. Let me finish. All right. Okay, let me finish. Let me finish. All right.

So he needs to find something to do with these pigs, and it turns out in Bastrop, Texas, where he lives. Now, this is a very famous, artistic, probably one of the best directors alive. And he's from Texas. He did the first movie with Matthew McConaughey about living in Austin and I and I you know

you just get me so wasted on this show I can't ever remember anything but anyway Matthew McConaughey with AIDS right

no no no no no this was the first thing Matthew McConaughey he really discovered McConaughey in when he was going

to University of Texas and did the movie what I gotta start bringing a friend with me um what is it boyhood huh which one i'm sorry i don't know the one you just talked about yeah boyhood no no no matthew mcconaughey apparently his first movie the matthew mcconaughey and that director first movie matthew mcconaughey ever did i think was it dazed and confused dazed and confused ah old school all right all right all right all right all right deer so okay was the deer thing true yes i found a neighborhood where it's true but i'll wait okay so here and i'm going to insert a story all right so this is

my matthew mcconaughey story when i I was moving to Austin I have friends there that are you know I like Austin they got friends but I always thought you know I'll end up being friends with Matthew McConaughey and so we know a lot of the same people you know and and we both smoke pot we're both from Texas we're both you know and this one and and I love him and I really like working with where and I was like that's well be happen. And I love him, and I really like working with him. And I was like, that's who I'll be friends with. It'll be great. It'll be a great part of my thing in Austin.

So I meet Matthew McConaughey at a charity event. But in this scenario, I have imagined him saying, you're Ron White? You're my favorite comedian ever. I got a hot tub going off in my backyard with a couple of girls, and I got these great fucking joints, and we'll go over there and smoke pot and drink tequila and have sex with these girls. But what happened was he went, oh, nice to meet you, and then he went on to meet the next person.

And it was a long pause there where I should have said, I love your work, but I didn't because I already had it planned out that he was supposed to say how much he loved me. And so I just left a long pause there. And then when it was all over with, I said, I should have told him I loved him. I should have told him. I should have told him I loved him, but I didn't. That's the problem with planning. So anyway, back to the pig story.

with planning so anyway back to the big story so this guy finds the pig rescue and uh decides he wants to do a documentary about it well he calls uh jay mcgraw's right hand girl right hand girl right woman brilliant girl that runs things for jay and I can't remember her name because I'm an idiot and I've met her two times and says, I'd like to do a documentary on this thing. So she tells Jay and he goes, link letter? Alright. Yeah, so he calls CBS

and I don't even know I should be telling this story. And they say, fuck fuck yeah we'll do anything he wants to do it's got his name on it right he's uh he's got a movie coming out with Cate Blanchett that's supposed to win everything there is and he's an amazing guy just an artist doesn't care a thing about anything but art doesn't matter if it takes 16 years to make this guy's amazing i've so jay has this idea of us doing uh uh judge roy bean with me as judge roy bean but doing a comedy and uh or we're not even zeroed in on what but we like me doing that character of preacher hangman bartender right so uh and I would like to play the role.

And I wouldn't mind finding a TV show to settle into at my age, you know, for a while, you know, if I could do it. But it's got to be the right thing with the right people. Right. Or I won't do it. And so CBS says, yeah, we'll do it. You know, fuck yeah, we'll do it. And so they're going to have a meeting. And so Jay calls me and he goes, well, why don't we talk to him about this Judge Roy Bean thing?

So I live in Austin, right? So I'm right 27 miles from Bastrop. And so I go out there for the meeting and it's in this little restaurant on a river. And they talk about that for a river and and uh and they talk about that for a little while and then we talk a little bit about judge roy bean and and then it's time to go to the pig rescue well i don't have to go to the pig rescue but now i'm big you know i really want him to direct this film because i know if he does't. So, I go. 250 pigs.

Well kept. And well fed. Fenced in and pinned. They actually, there's a feral pig problem in that part of Texas. And they have these cameras that are predator cameras. And they have footage of these huge feral pigs walking up to this fence

looking at these pigs going how'd y'all get in here really what are they you lay in the mud and they bring you food what the how do you we don't even know we don't know how we got in here we're just in here and uh and they're they're anywhere from they had some rescues that were little bitty to 750-pound pigs. All of them sold the same premise that these are miniature pigs. 750-pound pigs. 750 pounds. Who are these people that are selling miniature pigs? Are they still doing that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alex Ramundo bought three of them. You think I'm kidding? He bought three of them and turned them loose in the wild Oh no They turned into pigs What are you going to do? Well he lived up in Up in the

Whatever The high mountains He's part of the problem Right Part of the problem He's part of the problem Okay here you go So

We go I'm walking around It's all It's all It's well done And this guy Seems really reasonable, right? And he's also an executive for a construction company, a big construction company.

And this is his passion, and then his – all right, this is the part I can't tell. So we – yeah, fuck. Yeah, I just can't say this part of it. I understand. Pigs. And I end up liking the pigs. They're nice if you scratch them. They have arthritis, the big ones.

They can hardly get around. But it's basically, it's a, who's going to save these pigs kind of an operation. And I'm like, well, the carnita guy that would you know probably pitch in you know if you wanted to retire you know because i asked the guy i said what's the um where do they go from here and he goes well that's it this is it so um so either someone adopts them or they get turned to bacon. No, that's it. They live there until they die.

Wow. Is the way I understand it. Pigs are weird because they're almost like dogs. Here, I left this part out. Oh. So we're in the house talking about the show. And I've had enough of it. And I've got a joint in my pocket and i really want to smoke some pot and hang with the pigs because it seems like that would be really fucking fun

you know just to scratch on the pigs all stoned and shit and that's how mature i am and uh and so this pig comes out of the back squealing and they go that's whitney cummings pig so she rescued a pig during the malibu fires she uh documented it very heavily on her instagram yeah show it to you i've seen her pig i saw it in person that's whitney cummings pig so then like a couple nights later i'm up at the store and whitney cummings is there And I go, oh, wait till you see this. She drove that fucking pig to Texas. The pig all the way across. Took her like two days of driving.

She's insane. Drove a pig in a car for two days to a pig sanctuary. That is ridiculous. It's hilarious, dude. That's Whitney Cummings' pig. That's ridiculous. It's hilarious, dude. That's Whitney Cummings Pig. That's hilarious. That's crazy. I want to hear more of the story, but I got to piss so bad I'm going to pee my pants.

Two podcasts in a row. Talk to this guy. I'll be right back. We can't just cut the thing off for a while? We could just cut it off totally. You want to end it? No, no, no, no. I don't want to end it because it's

it's 5 30 yeah yeah we'll wait i got nothing to do i got nowhere to be sorry i saw how was uh you ran kill tony last night you're telling me you had a good time there yeah yeah yeah uh it was uh it was just a gas i i had friends uh uh i had dinner with friends that night in Malibu and came out and did that set. It's just a great idea for a show, the Kill Tony show. If you have a chance to download that podcast, it's a hoot. It's so much fun to do. It's a live audience down at the Comedy Store. It's a great premise,

and I won't bore you with all the details, but you can just tune in. If you check the video, it probably is up on YouTube. Oh, yeah. It's a big, it's not Joe's show, but it's a big, it's a good side show. Huh?

They said the band dressed up as the blue-collar comedy guys. Oh, they were, oh, it was so funny. Jeremiah was a good show. Jeremiah doing Foxworthy was, And just up as the blue collar comedy guys. Oh, they were. Oh, it was so funny. Jeremiah. Doing Foxworthy was, was it really? It was Jeremiah. It just makes me laugh so hard.

Everything he does just kills me. And he'll be, you know, hopefully in my old age, he'll be giving me mercy work because I tell him how good he is. He has his own podcast, too, Jeremiah Wonders, where he does some voices and whatnot. Does he have guests? Yeah, he does have guests. You should probably,

you should talk to him about it. I don't know that, I didn't know that you weren't on it. I didn't want to say it that way, but yeah. No, I haven't been on it. The, I always wonder why Bill Bird

didn't have me on his show in a friend's, he didn't have anybody on his show. Yeah, he does them all by himself. Some people, a lot of comedians anybody on his show. He does them all by himself. Some people, a lot of comedians, Chris D'Elia does it all by himself, too. Oh, really?

He's had one guest on. I think it was just his brother for a special, but he's done 130 or so all by himself. You could do one probably all by yourself, too. You know what? I couldn't because I've got to save up thoughts for eight months to do the Rogan show. So I'm loyal to this show. Do you know who that is? Huh?

Do you know who that is? No. Mitzi Shore. Oh, wow. Yeah. Our friend Taylor, Taylor Boss, he painted that for me. Wow. How badass is that?

That's an old picture of Mitzi when she was like 30-something years she was cute cute when oh yeah she was very hot she was uh one of the most important figures in the history of the comedy one of the most important figures in my life for sure that lady mentored me all of us i mean all of us because that's that's the only reason the store exists she let the inmates run the asylum right she's the only person that let the inmates run the mental hospital. That's the actual original picture of her. How great is that? It's fucking amazing. She's like Betty White.

You ever see those titty pictures of Betty White when she was like 21 years old? Yeah. Mitzi was so crazy and wild. It's all right that she's got her nipples in that picture. Right. She's – our friend Rose, who's Taylor's girlfriend, put a post on her when she died. I couldn't repost it. Like for any other woman I met, I might be able to repost it.

But she said like – I forget what she called her. Something about – she called her like the greatest boss bitch in history. I can't say that. I like it, but I can't repost that. Right. Didn't you just say it? Yeah, but I can't say it. I can't put it on my Instagram.

I'm just repeating what she said. Okay. But to me, it was hilarious and accurate. A woman can say shit like that about a lady like her, and it doesn't look bad. A man calls her a boss bitch. Like, hey, have some respect, man. Right. It's fucking Mitzi Shore.

But yeah, so Taylor painted it for me and hangs over the studio, watches over us. You know, I genuinely don't think I ever met her. No? No. Yeah, I had some great conversations with her. When I came in that first time, I was just in and out, and I had no idea what was going on. And then I really didn't come back. I did a show in Newport Beach at the Laugh Stop out there and just got this horrifically horrible review.

Did I tell this story last time I was on? It was bad how bad oh it was joe there was a picture of me i'd only been standing with stand-up for about three and a half years and then and so then the guy that booked that room watched me do it like an eight minute set in austin and i had a killer eight minutes but he hires me to do 45 minutes and uh and and so i go out there and i'm nervous anyway right because it's that's a big club and uh and the two guys before me were uh seinfeld and slayton so right so and then ron white's three and a half year old booger eating moron thing and and uh so and at this point i don't realize how bad i am because i haven't read it yet and uh so before i'm nervous and they go that's duncan strauss and uh and he writes uh the comedy reviews for the orange county edition of the L.A. Times, which is about six million people.

And I'm like, oh. I should have – well, I wish he had given me a day or two to settle in. So I do the set, and it's not great, but it's not bad. I think I pulled it off. They laughed at it. They laughed at what I had put together and whatever it was. And I expect them to be there to congratulate me on how good the set was and shake my hand and do a little interview to build this great interview.

But he wasn't there. And I'm like, oh, okay. Well, the next night, there's like a little open mic night before me. And one of the guys I know, Steve Epps from Texas, is on that. And then that night, I fucking kill. on that and and then that night i fucking kill and i'm really drunk and you know and i'm giving advice to other comedians you know because i mean my ego's just flare and i'm like i'm probably gonna leave my wife and go find that girl and let the coddy beer poster and uh and uh you know it's amazing and uh people are patting me on the back going, man, you are really, really good.

Boy, this is amazing. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I am. And I am. So I'm staying at the Marriott Suites Hotel on the Bay, which is the nicest hotel I've ever stayed in. And you had to pay for part of it yourself, but that was all I had. I mean, I was making,

I never made that much money before. It was like $1,400 or $1,500 for a week. And so it's unbelievably beautiful with a gorgeous view. Phone, bathroom, you know, two bathrooms, big marble, everything, big, nice stuff. And I go back after that. Well, now the review comes out the next morning and i get this massive hangover i'm just so i'm sick drunk waking up going oh jesus christ and i just i blink my eyes and start going oh the review the glorious review is out The review that's going to be touting my praises to the masses all over this area of Southern California.

Probably the beginning to my hugeness. And probably that's what's going to happen. So it turns out I had bought a bag of popcorn when I was drunk. And I followed that bag, that popcorn trail, from my bed, out the door, down the hall, into the elevator. The elevator I got on had popcorn on it, so it was the same one I came up in. I was just drunk, staggering around with a popcorn bag. And I followed that. Now, this place is just right down the block from the club.

And when I'm playing at a club, I hang out at the club a lot. Because those are the people I know anyway. Those have been my friends forever. And they're still my friends. So these are the people that work there. So I walk in the door. And one of the girls that worked there looked at me, and she goes, don't read it. And I'm like, what?

They go, don't read it, Ron. It's not true. It isn't true. And it's a hatchet job. I'm like, it's a what? A hatchet job? So I'm like, no, give it to me. I can read it.

You know, how bad could it be? So there's a big picture of me, this big, 6 million people, this big. The article was this big. It was a quarter of a page. And it said in big black print, even when white's not blue, he's not funny. And I dropped the newspaper on the floor. I couldn't hold up a one-ounce newspaper because the life had just been sucked out of me. And I also agreed with them and felt like I had just been found out as a phony.

And I was a phony. And I didn't belong here at all. And I picked it up and read it and, uh, and it said watching why it's 41 minute show. So they were nice enough to point out. I didn't, I just had to,

I had to scrape and crawl to get to 41, much less the 45 I'd agreed to. They pointed that out with, was like watching a polar bear lumber around on stage and something comical or interesting happening only occasionally. Now, here's why I can quote that all these 29 years later. I went across the street to the liquor store and bought a bottle of tequila and a pack of razor blades. True story. I go back up to my Marriott Suites on the Bay and sit there at this big desk.

I'm just drinking this tequila, reading it over and over and over and over. And I got a big bag of weed and I'm smoking pot. And I've convinced myself that they're going to cancel the show. Because who would come to a show, right, with a review like that? And then I'm thinking, well, they probably have to pay me for the shows I did, even though I wasn't able to finish the week. So I just assume i'm fired i genuinely believe that in my heart that i'm fired and uh so i i wake up from this stupor and i got a drool stain on this fucking article and a half a joint and a bottle of i mean it's dismal shit right it's dark dark time

and i walked down there fuck the show sold out both of them are it's comedy and fucking 1990 89 or 90 whatever it was and you know all the clubs were sold out nobody gave a fuck about that fucking review and uh they give a shit and then i went on stage because i was still a wreck though i'm drunk i just woke up i'm not very good anyway i have no confidence whatsoever i totally agree that i suck and i'm not worth a goddamn thing and i go up there and have the worst set i've ever had on a sold-out house and it was just sucked. I just sucked. It was horrible. And then the guy that booked me calls the club,

and he goes, because he read the fucking article, and he goes, that's got to be a gut punch. I mean, there was other shit in it, too, and none of it was good. And so then they get me on the phone with him, because they asked them. They said, we just want to see if he's okay, and they're like, oh phone with him because they asked them. They said, we just want to see if he's okay. And they're like, oh, no, he's not okay.

He's not okay at all. I'm like, I really – now I'm calling my wife going, I just want to talk to you because I love you so much. I'm not even thinking about the Ducati beer poster anymore. I'm just calling her. I just love you. I want to be together forever. And she's like kind of standoffish. It's like she could standoffish like like

so you could tell i had a bad review so that uh that kind of scared me away from uh la for a while and i realized then that they were right and i should have been slapped in the face and i wasn't good enough to be on that stage i was not and that guy actually apologized to me one time because i saw him later in life and i'm like no dude you actually apologized to me one time because i saw him later in live and i'm like no dude you were totally right you were completely right i should have been slapped in the fucking face three years in you're just getting your legs yeah no yeah i had no business there yeah and uh and so you know and it all worked out the you know the best way it possibly could have and that but that also included a couple slaps in the fucking face going you're

you know you're not i think those are important i really do iaps in the fucking face going, you're not. I think those are important. I really do. I think in the moment, those feel bad. But every big leap I've made as a comic is after I bombed. Every big leap. For real. Like, you know, someone telling me they had a bad time at my show, I just felt like you were off.

I'm like, fuck. That feeling makes me so hungry to figure out how to do it right. That's where it comes from. You realize there's an urgency to this thing. And then over the years, part of the fear of bombing is what makes me work so hard on new shit. Part of the fear is what makes me do so many sets. I'll do two podcasts a night, and then I'll do four shows. I'll go to the store.

I'll do two at the store. I'll do one or two at the improv i might even go to the ice house or the haha i'll fuck around all these are all the reasons i'm not as good as joe rogan right here i get scared ron white i get scared i do too you know i do too and i you know i i well i can't i can't tell you it at uh at 62 i do all those sets but i do i do go out and do sets a lot of sets and a lot of guys that are kind of in my you know in my age group really don't come out and do sets that much and but i come out and do sets and i hang out you're ageless dude we don't think of you you know you said that one time uh in the back room you're like i'm older than you guys and

we're like we don't give a fuck that doesn't mean anything this this this this thing is about comedy it doesn't matter if you're lesbian if you're trans if you're from philadelphia or the philippines no one gives a fuck are you funny and if you're funny that's all we care about we don't care if you're 90 or 19 i mean i'm real good friends with ali mack i'm not fucking ali mccoskey is what is she 22 or some shit she might be 22 she's one of my best friends i love that girl she's goddamn hilarious she's a kid we talk all the time we talk about comedy we i have her she hosts my sets of the improv all the time nobody cares nobody cares about your. We talk about comedy. I have her. She hosts my sets of the improv all the time. Nobody cares.

Nobody cares about your age. They care about comedy. Dom Herrera is the same way. Nobody thinks that Dom Herrera is older than us. No, Dom Herrera is a goddamn comic. He's a monster. This is a very, very unusual group of humans. You really think about the people that we know you know

if you looked at the entire population of the planet there's eight billion people or seven and a half is that what it is seven and a half something some crazy shit how many of those are comics is it is it a thousand couple thousand the real ones how many of them are headline how many of them can do a solid hour how many of them are headlined? How many of them can do a solid hour? How many of them have filmed a special? How many of them have two, three specials? Jesus Christ, Ron White, you and I are in weird waters. There's only like 20 of us.

Maybe 20, you're right. Maybe 20 of us. Yeah, if that. Yeah, we don't give a fuck how old you are, dude. You better stick around. I'm fine, dude. I'm fine. I am drunk in the middle of the afternoon.

Now I've got work to do, thanks to you. I had a friend of mine, when my daughter had that event in Vegas, and I went down to see her. They're like, you going to see a comic? I go, I'm going to see Ron White. Of course I'm going to go watch him. I go, I have the chance. What am I going to do?

Sit with my wife and watch fucking Catch a Predator or some shit? Whatever that show is down there. Whatever they're watching television or something like that. I'm going to go downstairs and watch Ron White. I'm at the Mirage. I still love it. Still watching it. Still love it.

To this day. It's such a hotbed. I get into it with the guys at the Cellar in New York because they're all like, this is the most significant comedy club in America. And I'm like, it's the most significant 100-seater. Yeah, the idea that that place is more significant than the store is hilarious. Yeah. That's so silly.

And it's still fun, and I love doing it. It's great, but don't get silly. Right. Yeah, don't be ridiculous. Don't get silly. You're second place by a fucking large margin. Right. Come on, son.

Dave Chappelle's up at the fucking store all the time. Chris Rock comes by. Louis C.K. I'm sure he'll be back. All right. It's a fucking crazy place man you're there delia's there brian count there joey diaz is there it's it's one night and there were i think it was eight people in the show that make at least 50 000 every time they open their mouth

in a theater in one fucking show for 1414. Come to the fucking store and watch a show. And if you come on a weekend, it's not quite as strong because a lot of the guys are out, the gang girls are out doing sets somewhere. But Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday, there's nothing like it because we all have to do what we're doing.

And we're lucky to be able to do it where we do it. Dude, one night the lineup was Tom Segura, Bill Burr, Burt Kreischer, Ali Wong, me, Joey Diaz, Krista Lee, Tom Papa, Ian. It was fucking crazy. It's crazy all the time. It was crazy. By the time you got to the end of the lineup, you're like the Home Alone kid. Like, what the fuck?

Look at this lineup. This lineup's insane. Yeah, it is. It is. And it's also what makes it so fucking fun for me and why it's, you know, I live in Beverly Hills, and I live two miles away, and that's what gets me off the couch to go live my life and blow the horn. It's a battery. That plays a battery.

We're doing a lot of shows of the improv, though. I'm doing two this week. I did two last week. I'm doing them all the time. I talk to them about it. I'm like, how about I just bring some of my friends over? Because, like, we could all do shows. Like Santino will do a set at the Improv, and then he'll shoot over to the store and do his set.

I'll do an 8 o'clock show. Store doesn't open until later. On weeknights, it's easy. So we've been doing a lot of shows down there, too. The Improv's a great club, man. The lineups were weird. The way it was set up was weird. There was a lot of weird shit going on.

If you could just get the top-notch people, and was talking to them i'm like look we're right over there we're fucking we could walk here it's a mile away what you know i mean it's a mile away i love the improv but you know if you want to smoke a joint at the improv you have to actually stand on melrose yeah in traffic and smoke your weed and that ain't cool and they're trying to change that i believe they're going to change that. I believe they're looking at that. Yeah. Trying to make that.

They're building that area on top where there's going to be a little balcony out on the roof of the part of it. Yeah. The hang's not good. And I hope they do. And if they do, it'll make a difference. It will make a big difference. Yeah, it will.

The hang's not that good there. It's hard. And when you're waiting to go on stage, you're essentially in the hallway. That's why Bud Freeman was going, Rod, could you stand over there language language language mitzi shore was literally like you guys sorting it out let everybody sort it out sort it out she didn't give a fuck man she understood keep everybody safe let the lunatics run the asylum yep yeah and the and they did i'll never forget the day she passed me, ever, in my life. You're really funny.

All right, you're a paid regular now. I was like, holy shit. Now, explain to people what a paid regular is, because I don't know. Well, it's like you got the stamp of approval. You might actually have a career. Like, I wasn't sure if I was going to have a career in comedy, which is i was on a sitcom at the time i was out here to do a television show for fox i had done i'd been on showtime already i'd done i'd headlined a lot of clubs all over the country probably prematurely i'd really only been doing stand-up for six years but uh you know i

had maybe a good 10-15 minutes i could i could actually do a real solid half hour if i had to but 15 minutes that i could really kill with and uh to to be able to do a set in front of her and she goes you're a paid regular i was like i'm a fucking comedian i'm a holy shit you've you've been given the nod i thought it was a fraud nod. I thought it was a fraud. You're a made man. I thought it was a fraud. Even when I was saying it, even when she said it, I was like, damn, I tricked her. I tricked all those people in the audience. I tricked her. That's how I felt.

I felt like I tricked her. I felt like I tricked everybody. But everybody tricks everybody in the beginning. Yep. That's what the beginning is. The beginning is hard. I just didn't trick that one guy. But it's good that you didn't trick them.

Those hard hits, they're important. Important stuff. Eating shit on stage is critical. You can't accept the fact that it's a process. You can't want everything to happen right away. And the only way for you to be really sure that it's not happening yet is to bomb. Right. Yeah.

Nothing tells you so succinctly that you're doing it wrong, like eating shit on stage. Right. Yeah. There's no other, nothing tells you so succinctly that you're doing it wrong, like eating shit on stage. Right. And you kind of learn a lot from it as you go,

you know, in that, you know, you don't really mess around that much with comedy's venue. You don't want to play a football stadium

or whatever. What's the biggest place you've ever performed at? Well, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, we hold the record, stadium or whatever i what's the biggest place you've ever performed at uh well blue collar comedy tour we hold the uh the the record uh where the predators uh play hockey and uh in nashville when uh how many people is that 20 000 something and and elton john held the record before we broke it and the reason we broke it is we were in a center stage in the middle, and there's only four of us doing stand-up, so nobody will ever have a smaller stage. Wow.

For that big a show there. Right, right. How could they? And that was right before we filmed Blue Collar One. Dude, Josh Wolf showed me a picture when he opened up for Larry the Cable Guy. He opened up at some football arena. He's on stage, and he like a selfie out looking at the audience it's the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life see if you can find it josh wolf uh

opening up for larry the cable guy selfie it's i don't even know if he put it online he showed it to me on his phone it's fucking bananas there's 50 000 people there you know 50 000 oh yeah he was doing he's doing crazy crazy crazy numbers insane numbers like and didn't even talk about it you know there was a lot of people that were hating on him he couldn't be a nicer guy he's also a great pace rhythm and timing one-liner guy you know and as good as a guest i've seen him just beat crowds to death. Funny dude. And gifted and also he's totally paid his dues. 100%. I met him in 92, I think.

Well, you've known him longer than I have. Holy shit, look at that fucking crowd. Right. Yeah, I haven't played this place. Look at that fucking crowd. That is insane. That's got to be Nebraska, right? So, right, everybody's wearing red

that's gotta be a memorial stadium in uh lincoln nebraska that is one of the most insane crowds i've ever seen in my life but it makes sense he's got great fucking timing man and i met him like i said in 92 i think at the um comedy works in montreal when jimbo used to run the joint. And he was a great guy, man, back then. Even back then, I think he was a radio personality in Florida at the time. You know, he was just getting on the road. And Larry the Cable Guy was a character he did in that

that he would bring into a show for one joke and it just took over. Fucking crazy. And people don't know, like, he's Dan Whitney. He's like a regular person. Right, regular comic. Yeah, but he's trapped. He is Larry the Cable Guy for life, son.

Trapped in a place you'd like to be trapped, right? Oh, yeah. A place where you're making $30 million a year. But it's like this marvelous Mrs. Maisel thing, except that's who he actually is. He doesn't have to wear a fat suit or anything crazy. Well, his dad was a preacher and a pig farmer from Nebraska. Wow. And so he does this great auctioneer voice where,

sold a little Danny Whitney from across the street. Wow. A preacher and a pig farmer. Holy shit. Speaking of pigs, the pigs just keep coming back. Yeah. Who's going to save the pigs, Joe? The thing is you can't save the pigs.

You've got to kill some of them. You know what? That's it. Pigs are the ultimate conundrum because it would be nice if we could have some sort of harmony with nature with pigs. But that's not possible. If they're wild, they're fucking up a storm they're having two three litters a year with six to eight little piglets and they're just running rampant and they're there's they come viable i think correct me if i'm wrong i think female pigs

become viable and can get pregnant after four months four months you're exactly right that's why they make these little bitty pigs and they had these little bitty pigs too and they're the cutest things i've ever seen in my life. Oh, they're adorable. And I said, can I pick one up? And they're like, they squeal like a pig. And literally, I picked one up, and they made a noise like I was stabbing a screwdriver into their ear. And I'm like, okay, all right.

They're smart. They get scared. They're smart. It's a crazy thing because like you want to love them but then if they're taking over your neighborhood you want to fucking shoot them and kill them and they're delicious and they're delicious that's their problem all right that's the whole problem they're delicious you know how they got into california no william randolph hearst. Oh, yeah. That crazy asshole. He used to bring them, and he would populate his forest outside of his home with wild pigs.

Wild boars, Russian boars. Yeah. You go out and fucking shoot them. So if you go to Tachipi or any of these areas that have wild pigs, you go to certain areas towards the middle of near Bakersfield, there's wild pigs out there. Oh, yeah. That's all William Randolph Hearst wild pigs. Thanks, Bill. areas towards the middle of near Bakersfield. There's wild pigs out there. Oh, yeah. That's all William Randolph Hearst wild pigs. Thanks, Bill. Yeah, that crazy asshole.

He let pigs loose in California. They're everywhere. Big Sur. Like Hunter S. Thompson used to hunt wild boar in Big Sur with a fucking machine gun. Those were William Randolph Hearst wild pigs that had populated the mountains. All the way up the coast? All the way up the coast. All the way up the coast. San Joseose there was a fucking news story from san jose where they were knocking over people's trash

cans and he's like they're huge tech community 800 pound pigs they're just fucking pigs mowing mowing people most of the wild ones aren't that big the wild ones are like a big wild ones like 300 pounds the big really big ones are the ones in are domesticated. Not in Arkansas or not in Georgia. You know what happens there though? They're domesticated and then people let them go. Don't be looking this up on the computer. Don't fuck up my fucking story with the truth. No, no, no.

I know about this. Huge. One thing I do know about is feral pigs. I've studied them pretty closely. Why? Because I'm friends with a lot of people that are professional hunters. Okay. And I wanted to know how the fuck they got so big.

Like, there's a video of a, there's a photo, rather, of one they called Hogzilla that was from Georgia. It's a fucking enormous pig. But it looks. Put it away. Look at that motherfucker. King Kong hog from Russia makes Hogzilla look like a baby. See? I'm not buying that.

What does he weigh? Look how far that guy. Look at the guy's head. See that guy's head? That guy's a mile away. Where the fuck is that guy? That guy could be on top of that thing, and that looks like a German shepherd. How much does it weigh?

We have no idea. This is a photograph. Hold on. Let me see that tusks again. Let me see the tusks. It's a big pig, but it doesn't have to be that big. That could be a 300, 400-pound pig. It doesn't even say.

Did they weigh it? 1,179 pounds pounds that's a big ass says who says who says these guys with the scales what what website is this they've got scales what website is this wide open spaces hmm that's a pretty reputable oh that's not all the shoulder shoulder height. Yeah. Five and a half feet at the shoulder. Jesus Christ. I want to see a picture. He brought 200 of these. Not specifically that one, but it was a Russian boar that he brought in from Russia. And they ended up breeding with local feral pigs.

And they got big. Yeah. Well, here's the thing about boars and pigs and all that jazz. It all comes from the same genus. It's all from something called sous scroffa sous scroffa is all pigs what's crazy about that is like when you see a domestic pig and they look all cute and cuddly and pink and shit right when they get loose and they go wandering through the woods they turn feral and their face changes their face gets

longer they grow tusks their hair gets thicker this one it says the shoulder height is that how high the shoulders are off the ground five and a half feet jesus christ that's so big that's They grow tusks Their hair gets thicker This one It says the shoulder height Is that how high The shoulders are Off the ground Five and a half feet Jesus Christ That's so big That's almost

I'm three inches shorter Or taller than that Five and a half feet That's insane That's this tall on me So me standing up Okay I'm five eight Look at this

Watch this Here's the pig's Here's the pig's shoulder Right Right there That's a big ass pig Is that three inches Right that's ornery Is that like right there Where's three inches Like right right there that's a big ass is that three inches right that's

on is that like right there where's three inches like right here that's fucking insane that's a pig that high that's insane that's an elk hog hogzilla was a shoulder height of three feet so that's almost double is that real though oh man five and a half feet tall. Seems so big. That's so big. But if it was 1,000 pounds, that makes sense because a good elk is like 800 pounds. Right. No. Yeah. A longhorn steer. See, these guys are so far behind it.

See, this is a bullshit hunter's trick. That's a hunter's trick. His hands are on its back. Where? I don't see his hands. Do you see his hands? I don't see his hands. Not anymore.

Trust me. Look at it. Listen, that guy is in the next area code. That guy's hiding. He's way behind that thing. You're supposed to be right next to it. And if that is a deceptive photo, when you take a photo like that, that is you doing that on purpose.

What you're supposed to do is you're supposed to put your gun or your rifle or your bow and arrow, you lean it on the animal, you stand next to it, so that people that know how difficult it is and people say, oh, you're a trophy hunter. No, you're trying to kill a smart, mature animal because that's the one that's healthiest for the population. That's the one you want to take out of the breeding cycle.

This is one that's already spread its genes and hunters respect when someone shoots a mature, older animal. That's a... I'm starving. For sure. That's a, for sure. It looks good, right? I'm hungry. Those are not that good to eat unless you really know what the fuck you're doing. Like, you got to slow cook that motherfucker.

That one, you want to do low, you want to probably, you got to brine that bitch. Get them in a big old vat of salt water with brown sugar and garlic and just let him soak for a while this article is sort of saying it could be bullshit could be bullshit i'm telling that guy's too far away you gotta listen to me when you see a guy that's that far away what are you saying about russians bro is that guy's near the bumper of that fucking car lie about their pig size look at where his shoulders are they line up almost with the bumper of that fucking car. He does. He looks tiny. He's way behind that pig.

I'm telling you. In relation to the size of the car. Exactly. He's like a third grader. Exactly. It doesn't make sense. Yep. This guy is hiding.

He's hiding behind that pig. If you wanted people to know the actual perspective, you'd see that. You'd lay on the pig. If he had a rifle leaning up against that pig and the rifle looked tiny,'d be like holy shit that's a giant pig that's yeah but there's nothing in that photo that represents an actual perspective you would have to be standing right look he's hiding he's he was oh i can't even see bitch you could see that ain't a five and a half foot tall pig well that pig six one laying down in this picture yeah in that picture these on his knees. This is the only evidence they have of this dead one. That means that the werewolf we have in the lobby could be real, too.

The werewolf's 1,000 pounds. It's even bigger than this pig. Yeah, it's stupid. That's what people do, man. People take pictures of animals. They hide. In the hunting world, it's called a grip and grin. You hold a deer, and you push him way out.

People do that with fish, too. You caught a big bass. You take that big bass bass you put it way in front of you it looks gigantic right if you take that big bass you're like hey look at my big bass right that's a confident person right confident person's got that bass behind them look at that motherfucker do you know how big that is wrong bigger wrong keep Doesn't matter. This guy's a liar. The guy withholding it out in front of him, he's showboating. I'm not buying it. Showboating. That fucking pig's 300 pounds.

That's a baby pig. And me and Joe Rogan are against it. Whitney Cummings pigs, brothers and sisters. Got loose, they shot it. So I saw her right after that. That's what I told you. I'm like, you're not going to believe this shit, Whitney. I have pictures

of your pig and i showed it to her on the phone and she just flipped the out yeah she's uh that lady loves animals for real she's yeah whoo god bless her fiance he's in for a long run of animal husbandry my my friend's wife if she sees an animal that's dead and it's winter she'll bury it she'll put it in her freezer oh god wait for the thaw and then bury it and wait for the ground to thaw and then dig all and bury jesus that's deep whitney wouldn't do that no she sticks to the next level this lady yeah else. Sticks to the next level, this lady. Yeah, that's taking it to the next level. You got to accept there's a cycle of life. You don't have to just leave it outside for something to eat.

Yeah. That's what you're supposed to do. That's what I do. Well, there's a reason for that. Those animals, they need to stay alive too. The animals that eat dead animals, they need to stay alive too. Right. There's a whole cycle.

Not just vultures rats you know there's a lot of uh carrying a lot of scavengers interesting as this show gets drunker and drunker i grow meyer lemons at my place and so i look at the lemons and something has eaten the rind off the lemon and left the lemon hanging on the tree in perfect condition. And I'm like, well, that's odd. And then I see one little group of perfectly peeled lemons on the ground. And then there's two more lemon pods on the tree. Perfect lemons.

No rind. I'm like, what the fuck is this this is yesterday this is how this sounds but yesterday this isn't memories from the past which i have almost none of but yesterday and uh so we looked it up and it's it's called a roof rat and they love it they love and they love specifically Meyer lemons, which is what these were, and they love the rind, but they don't like the sourness of the fruit, so they just eat the rind and leave the fruit hanging on the tree, and it was just baffling, really, when I first saw it. Look at that.

They do the exact opposite with oranges. Right, and we also have blood oranges, and so they'll put a little hole in them, eat all the fruit out of it, and leave the husk hanging on the tree with duds on the inside. Like dicks. Jesus Christ. Fucking dicks.

So now when I eat an orange or a lime or whatever, I'm like, throw the rinds out there. Save the fucking fruit. I really don't like to kill anything i have a peach tree i maybe ate three peaches the whole time i've been living in this fucking house i've been living in that house since 2003 these goddamn squirrels eat my peaches right they eat every fucking peach i've ever grown look at that look at these rats look at what's what left there. They dug a hole in that shit. I literally never get to eat peaches.

These cunty goddamn squirrels. I have all these things going on in my house right now. I have coyote problems. They're called roof rats. I got serious coyote problems. I have no more chickens. Really? You're out of chickens. I killed all of my chickens in one fell swoop.

You ready for this? They killed the last nine chickens. I had to transfer to them because my chicken coop burnt to the ground. So we had to get a smaller coop. And you're blaming that on the coyotes? No, no, no. All right. The chickens escaped, and we saved the chickens.

And we got them to this other coop after the fire. And it wasn't as reinforced as the original coop the original coop i had hired a guy who's a carpenter to build me a nice coop and he did a great job and the coyotes were on the roof one night chewing at it and i had a fucking i had a death perch set up on my porch i had my hoyt out there i had arrows range finder i even had i even laid bait out in my yard waiting for these cunts. I was going full Rambo. But I lost my patience, and I'm a busy man.

I got a lot of things to do, so I abandoned the project. Right. You weren't keeping watch. Fire burnt my fucking chicken coop down to the ground. We put these chickens in another coop, and these coyotes tore that coop apart. And they did it when we weren't home and uh we came home as just feathers they were all gone all nine of them they're you know part of me admires them you know part of me is like these little wolves are surviving in the suburbs they're

trying to figure this shit out they figured it out man they win break into this thing or die my wife was getting uncomfortable because you're basically making your house a target you know they're on the roof right next to the house these little small predators are chewing at the roof of the the chicken coop before the fire happened and it was like that was when i decided to go to war i didn't fully committed to war because i didn't get i was going to get a subsonic 22 that's the way to go because you were here a subsonic 22. That's the way to go. Because you ever hear a subsonic 22? It sounds like it says TAC! TAC! Doesn't sound like anything. But it's lethal. I had a coyote. But I don't think it's legal

inside city limits. I don't even think I should be saying that I wanted to shoot it with a rifle. It's probably like a criminal intent idea. But I never really considered it. And I definitely never bought one, but I was ready to fuck one up with a bow and arrow,

but now it's over. They won. They figured it out. The fire opened up the door, and after the fire, they were real sketchy, real loud, because they were trying to figure out

what the fuck was going on, because all the brush was gone, so probably the rabbits were missing, and the rats were missing. Of course they were trying to figure out what the fuck is going on because all the brush was gone. So probably the rabbits were missing and the rats were missing. Of course they were. Yeah. Were we going to say, Jamie? Yeah, it's weird. I came home and see just feathers everywhere, man, just feathers.

Like someone just sliced a few pillows and just shook them all over the yard. Like, fuck. We should look back and try to figure out what we should have closed with that's a good way to close we closed with murdered chickens we got a show tonight ron white will be with me the all shows are sold out all going well the show is sold out this weekend i'm at austin cap city comedy club that sold the fuck out too with george perez who's goddamn hilarious and andrew santino also one more night there friday and saturday no damn it now my place is under construction i'm redoing my house ron white intercontinental man of mystery travels all over the globe homes and many mysterious locations don't you have a

place in atlanta too i sold that and bought the place in Austin. I like it. I like the move. I like where you like to go. Two of my favorite spots. Atlanta and Austin. Right, right. You can ease into them

and have fun. Two of my goddamn favorite spots. I could live in either or. It's easy to get connected to the music vibe in Austin. Yes.

And figure out real quick who you really love to see. Sure, sure. But I like Atlanta too. I don't know. I love to see. Sure. Sure. But I like Atlanta, too. I don't know. I love both of them. All right. Ron White, you're a bad motherfucker.

It's an honor to call you a friend. You're a bad motherfucker. I appreciate you dearly. Back at you. Back at you. Holla! That's it, fuckers. We'll see you soon.

More show tomorrow. Night, night, termite. See ya. see ya