The Joe Rogan Experience - #1286 - Anthony Jeselnik

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

Anthony Jeselnik is a comedian, writer, actor, and producer. His new special "Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward" will be available streaming on Netflix on April 30.

Two, one, yee-haw! Hello, Anthony Jeselnik. How are you, sir? Great, Joe. Good to see you. What's going on, buddy? Are you fully committed to the beard now? Yeah. I want to keep it as long as I can. Are you going to go mountain man? No.

Or are you going to just trim? Do you trim a little? I trim a little bit. I just like the lady who cuts my hair, trims it every four weeks when I go in for a haircut. But I don't touch it at all. I'm afraid if I tried to trim it, I would ruin it uh but i love love having a beard why do you love having a beard it is like it's like sunglasses for the bottom half of your face oh you know what i mean hide from the world kind of yeah it's like it chills me out a little more yeah especially on stage like when i come you're under the lights,

and my lip would start to get a little bit sweaty. And I'm thinking about my lip, and I'm like, should I wipe this? Should I move it? Then I start to sweat more. But now that I have the beard and mustache, my lip gets a little sweaty. You can't tell.

So I don't get more anxious. Interesting. Yeah. So you used to think, boy, there's a little couple of beads on the upper lip yeah and i'm like can they see it should i wipe is it like is it too much if i'm wiping like i drives me crazy you know what gets me boogers if i think i have a booger like like what is going on with my nose what is that is that a booger shit can they see that oh i check for sure before i go

on stage there's always a booger check but i i'm so uh animated and i'm always yelling and screaming i'm always worried that something is like hanging off the tip of my nose yeah and the people in the front row can't even enjoy like what the fuck man your nose bro never had that i've had like definitely a fly down situation oh yeah never uh never never like a booger that uh ruined the show there's two things that people love to laugh at you fly down and if you put a beer down on stage and the foam comes over the top like oh my god your beer's coming those are those things right high humor yeah high humor sweat like like weird sweat stains like um when i've done specials but speaking which anthony jesselnik's

new comedy special comes out tonight i hear yep this evening midnight i guess netflix does it yeah excited very excited wow i've been seeing your set it's fucking fantastic thank you i think this is the best uh i've ever done so i'm uh i'm pumped for it it's a beautiful thing about comedy man keep working keep paying attention to it you get better at it you know really i mean don marer and i had this conversation just a couple of months ago he's like joe he goes i've never been better he goes i'm fucking a thousand years old because i've never been better at comedy yeah as long as you don't quit yeah you don't you don't you don't ever get worse i don't think right you don't as long as you don't give up because some guys don't quit but they give up exactly yeah they just go through the same material every single time you're like what are you doing here you're just like you're just trying

to get out of the house you're not trying to get better there's a little of that yeah yeah it's like if you're not right that's i guess that's the difference between also guys who put out specials or i say women too or and people who don't some people just don't put anything out yeah no yeah once you put it out like i put it out because i'm like i'm i'm done with this now it's getting boring it's not going to get better it's good as i can make it but because of that then i have to come up with a new hour you have a pretty specific schedule you like to follow too right if i'm correct i try i did i did a year in la like at the store every every night. And like once a month, I'd do Largo and try it all out at once.

And then at the end of that year, I had about 40 minutes. Went to clubs for a year, every weekend for a year. And then once that, I had the hour after that. Then I did a year of theaters. And at the end of that year, I taped the special and was done with it. So you're on like a three-year plan. Pretty much, yeah. And that might change, you know, as I've gotten older.

The idea of a four-year plan sounds a little bit nicer. You know, you have other things going on that it's not as, I'm not as worried. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was trying, I think two years seems to be right for me, but it might be better to give it a little more time, right? Just a little more time to tighten things up and polish and add layers and add extra punch.

It's like, you know those guys, like, when I started out in Boston, there was guys that had been doing the same set forever. And there's pros and cons to that. And the pro is, god damn, they had that shit down tight, where it was just punchline, rapid line pause punch line they knew the the economy of words was perfect there was no no fat in the bits they had they had tightened all that stuff up yeah my one of my biggest fears is like taping the special and then coming up with like a great tag. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like that I want it to be done when I shoot it because that feeling is awful. Yeah. It's the worst. I've done that. Yeah. So have I. It sucks.

It sucks. What do you do? I once went back in my last special thoughts and prayers. I ADR'd a line. I like walked off stage and was like, oh, fuck. I should have used this word. And it just occurred to me in the moment that I was using the wrong word. So I went back and ADR'd it.

And you can obviously tell. It's like me talking. And then it's clearly a different voice, just one word. But I had to do it. What does ADR stand for? I know what it means. But what does it stand for? Jamie knows.

He's an actual audio guy. Automated dialogue replacement. And why it's automated is lost in my head forever, but that's what it means. Ah, okay. I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years. I would have never. I knew what it meant. I've done ADR.

Yeah. I did it like Fear Factor, like every episode I had to do ADR. It was the worst. Why did you? Because you were just mispronouncing names or you would? No, it was usually because they wanted to tighten segments up. Like, you know, we would film for three days and we'd have to slam that down to 44 minutes. So sometimes you needed brevity or sometimes they needed clarification for certain things.

Like, like we would explain the rules to them, like very specifically, and they would have to read these rules and it took a long time but then like sometimes in the moment like on television you wouldn't explain it as clearly like while we're filming like when we'd we'd show them like this is what you have to do this is what you have to start here you go from here to there but sometimes when you would want to put it on TV, you'd want to be more precise or more concise. Yeah. So every fucking week I had to do ADR. I hated it. You did?

Yeah. It seems like it would be fun. Fear factor? Fear factor, but just ADR seems like easy. It's relaxed. You're just in the booth. No, it was boring. No?

No, I didn't like it. Yeah. No, the fun thing about fear factor was when the checks came. That was a fun thing. And then when nice the checks came that was a fun thing and then when nice people won that was fun too yeah those those things were fun but really that was that was a great job but it was a job it was like a job like you know if you had a great like yeah i really like working here whereas you don't really say that about stand-up no i mean i don't think about it as a job. It's just fucking fun. It's awesome.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. It's a get-to-do. Yeah, a get-to-do. Yeah. That's my new thing. It's like get-to-do versus have-to-do. How long have you been doing it now?

Almost 17 years. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that crazy to say? It is. It blows me away. Yeah. Like 17 years just seems like forever.

And I had it in my head that, like, 20 was an important number. Like, when you get to 20, that means something. And I think I must have made that up. Like, people say 10 years is a big deal. Yeah. But 20 doesn't seem to, like, I thought that was, like, that's when you're really relaxed. 10 years seems like you're a pro. When I see someone, I i'm like how long you've

been doing it 11 years all right i buy it you know when someone says six years i'm like good luck you might quit yeah i hate the people who are like i've been doing it for like 12 years when's last time you got on stage uh six months ago oh no you started doing stand-up 12 years ago yeah uh you've not been doing it yeah you gotta go fuck yourself yeah if you're not if you take those people that take like giant chunks of time off and then come back you know and want to go on the road with you like hey man yeah it's like no that's not how this works you gotta be you gotta be putting in the work yourself otherwise why why am i doing you a favor yeah well it's just it's one of those things like if you wanted to run a marathon you have to run all the time or you're going to be really really sore and tired when it's over you know you're not going to really be able to do it yeah you want to be able to actually do it and really

run this is the same with stand-up for whatever reason it seems so fucking easy when you're watching when you're watching someone do it, this is one of the reasons why everyone thinks they can do it. Because we're just talking. It's not like we're doing Cirque du Soleil up there. And some people are like, oh, that's not that funny. I could be not that funny. It's not that big a deal.

Yeah, you could. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Uh-huh. Yeah. When you started out, what city did you start in? here, Los Angeles

did you really? where? what was your first club? my first ever show was at the Belly Room in the comedy store I took a class I took a class

Greg Dean I was working at Borders Books and Music it was my first job in LA remember that play like that big bookstore

and I just found the thinnest book on stand up comedy that they had and bought that and read found the thinnest book on stand-up comedy that they had and bought that and uh read it at the end it was like this guy teaches a class in santa monica so you went and people were like i'm surprised that i took a class it's like the class didn't teach me how to be like this it just kind of gave me the courage to go to open mics and uh and and i don't think i could have just gone to an open mic. I was too scared for that. I was like 23.

But after the class, you know, I had a seven-minute set that I would go and do. What did the class teach you? Like, how do they start a class out? Like, there were two sessions. It was like beginning and advanced. And they would talk a little bit about joke structure. They would talk about, like, simple things like taking the mic out of the stand. You know, like, be careful because some people walk up and they take their teeth out, you know what I mean? And like things like don't run the light, show up early, like things that

were just may not have been common sense, but it like it gave me comfort to know the rules so that I could try to break them, you know, later on. And then did a set at the belly room, like with a bunch of other like people in the class who were all terrible none of them are doing stand-up anymore and i like killed like i thought i killed i had the tape i sent it out to everyone and one of the jokes from that first set i ended up using in the donald trump roast really so i was like oh wow maybe there's like some gold in there and i went back you know 10 years after i did it and watched the set again and had a panic attack watching myself. The way it was in my head was not what was on screen.

It was bad. Do you think that's like just like psychological protectants that you throw up? I mean, what is it that makes you think that you were better back in the day? I think it's excitement, you know and just being stupid you know like when people get into stand-up later on in life i'm like i i don't know if you can do this because you have to kind of be dumb enough to go through the things you have to do when you start out but i'm glad i was 23 when i was running around to open mics and uh and not knowing any better that's a really good point yeah yeah i was 21 i was really dumb yeah did you just went

right to an open mic or yeah well um i went to an open mic to watch first and that's what gave me the courage to go on stage because i had always thought like stand-up comedy was going to be jerry seinfeld or richard pryor and if you go there like you know and i wrote a bunch of stuff and i practiced a bunch of stuff into a tape recorder and it was terrible but you know i was trying to say it like a comedian but then when i went to an open mic and i realized how bad some of those people are i was like well i can be that bad i can do that like i know i can pull off what they're doing yeah there's something about like performing for comedians that really angered me like if an audience wasn't laughing it was like all right whatever but if comedians it's like no you guys should get me that like really ticked me off that

i like didn't have any friends in the open mic uh community that would laugh no like i didn't have friends at all like i would i was just the guy who showed up and and did a set and would just get angry and angry so i would like angry because i. Why are you angry? Because I was mad that they didn't get that I was funny. It's my job to prove it to them. But I was like, these people should understand that I'm funny. If a comedian doesn't like me or doesn't respect what I do, I'm just like, I can't believe you're a comedian. I really feel that way.

That's a funny way of looking at it. Well, it's one of those things where you want to be good so bad, you'll sort of convince yourself that you're good. Or you convince yourself that you're better than you are. I remember the feeling of being at an open mic night and not being sure whether or not I was going to go on stage or not having a spot and watching these guys going, God damn it. I want to go up there. If I got up in front of that crowd right now, I could kill.

You just convince yourself that you were good. Yeah. I mean, I knew that my performance was bad. I knew I was like funnier than what I was putting out there. And that was what frustrated me. It's like, I've got to keep writing new jokes to get to, to be able to prove myself. To get to your potential. Exactly.

Yeah. get to to be able to prove myself to get to your potential exactly yeah yeah that's a it's a it's an interesting thing because it occurs in almost everything that's difficult to do is like you see the path you're like okay i just keep going like martial arts for example it's perfect perfect example it's like you'll practice with a white belt and you kind of think like oh i kind of get this i'm gonna get good at this i'm gonna. And then you'll practice with someone who's really good, who does it every day and is a black belt, and you just feel helpless and you feel like, God damn it, I'll never get to that spot.

And I used to feel like that about stand-up. There was a guy, when I first started out, you probably never heard of him, but he's one of the best comics of all time. His name is Teddy Bergeron, and he was a Boston legend, and he had a problem with substances to put it mildly and um he what his timing was impeccable he went on the tonight show like back in the day and he would play piano as well and uh he had like like the

ultimate set on the tonight show i mean just fucking murdered sat on the couch with johnny i mean and just was killing it and just super and then went off the rails like the pressure of success and everything and pills and booze and woo yeah and the whole thing but when i was an open mic or um one of the early early sets that i did i remember i did a set and then he went on you know there was a bunch of open micers and then some professionals would hop on and do like five ten minutes and he went out but did that and he was so fucking good and so polished i almost quit i was like i was like what am i doing i'm terrible i don't have a point of view i don't i don't have perspective i don't

have that kind of timing i definitely don't have that kind of swagger. He had a casual swagger on stage. Did you have an idol, like someone you were trying to be as a stand-up? I think it was probably a bunch of guys. I sounded a lot like Richard Jenney in the beginning. I was kind of stealing, like almost stealing his timing. And then I realized that one time I was on stage, and I heard myself sound sound like him and i was like all right i gotta fix this yeah you know i did that with it with david tell in new york everybody did it i would run downstairs and watch a tell

set and then one day i caught myself not doing one of his bits but like one of his mannerism kind of things yeah it's just fun to do and i felt i was like i gotta stop this and i went and told esty uh the woman who books the comedy seller i was like i gotta stop watching david tell and i said it like a confessional and i thought she was gonna be like you're not a real comic then everyone watches the tell and she goes good like more people should stop watching david tell like people are just ripping them off and i understand why but uh he's got such a bizarre sense of timing and it's so infectious yeah oh yeah just so so fun yeah fun to watch i've known dave for like 28 years i think and he's always been like that he's always had that very strange way of talking yeah you know oh it's

a box i've known him maybe 10 years and i don't know him at all you know i mean we've like talked a couple of times but i don't know anything about the guy yeah and i think i met him after he had quit drinking so i think it was a different oh yeah oh yeah i knew him in the heart when he was on that show insomniacs and he was getting blasted out of his gourd every night every night he was going these places and it was killing him yeah and he stopped getting blasted out of his gourd every night every night he was going these places and it was killing him yeah and he stopped doing the show for that very reason because everywhere he would go it would just be shots shots shots and uh and then he uh one time i ran into him at the improv and it was like one o'clock in the morning and i was headed home and he's like hey is there an

after party where do we go i was like where do we go like go home go to sleep yeah and then the next time i saw him he was totally sober he's one of those guys though that got sober and didn't stop being hilarious no a lot of guys do yeah oh he's sober up and then they become annoying and then they want to talk about their sobriety i cannot stand i can't stand recovering addicts they drive me yeah man they're worse than people who just find yoga they just won't shut the fuck up about recovery yeah i'm guilty of that with many things if i get into something i can't shut the fuck up about it but i get it you know for them it's like this pivotal moment in their life where all of a sudden they have their shit together and they just want to talk about all the time the thing that drives me nuts though is when they judge

yes and they always get a little judgy they're like are you sure like do you need that last drink and i'm like yeah i do and i can handle my shit so leave me alone hey i'm super sorry you got that fucked up gene. Yeah. Yeah, whatever it is, bro. I'm sorry you went too far with it but I've got it under control. I like being a little buzzed. I like it.

Mm-hmm. And luckily the drugs and the drinking that I do, it's, you know, if I'm going to drink, I drink high quality stuff, smoke a little weed but the other drugs

don't really do it for me. Have you fucked with the other drugs? Oh, yeah. I've tried just about everything. Really? Yeah, and it's just like, not for me, like i've done cocaine and the next day i've been like i just feel stupid like i feel like everything that came out of my mouth last night was dumb i feel like hell uh i enjoy weed chills me out uh i like beer and wine and and uh and vodka and

whiskey i have not done a lot of things i've never done mescaline or peyote just basically i think they're pretty much the same thing i've never done um coke i've of things. I've never done mescaline or peyote. I think they're pretty much the same thing. I've never done coke. I've never done meth. I've never done any real amphetamines. I've always been scared of those, though. Because those are the ones that I've seen people really lose their lives for. Yes.

I don't mess with amphetamines at all. And I don't enjoy it. As someone who grinds their teeth, that's awful. And I found with comedy, you can't be funny on cocaine. joy it uh someone who grinds their teeth you know like that that's that's awful and i found like with with comedy you can't be funny on cocaine i'm always shocked at comics who do who do cocaine and are funny because i just find it to be like you're not i can't laugh at anything and i can't like i'm talking too fast my timing's off right and like i'm not thinking in a funny way but i've always been surprised at comics who

have coke problems yeah joey diaz talked about that because joey diaz did coke for years but he doesn't he's never done coke and gone on stage he goes he goes every time i tried it i was fucking terrible he goes it takes away your soul your heart you got no heart when you're up there yeah you know they i guess again i've never done it, but what I get is just, I get that whole speedy thing where you just like, your sense of how people are perceiving you is distorted. Your timing is distorted. Yeah. Like, I don't even go on stage high.

I may have a couple beers. I don't want to be slurring. But if I even smoke a pot at all that day, it's a worse show for it. Really? Yeah. I wonder why that is. I think I'm just in my own head you know it makes me want to get through the set as opposed to being present and enjoying it like i just want it to be over so i can go chill out you know that's interesting it's

only on only with weed one of my favorite things to do when i would take guys on the road with me is get them so high that they could barely talk and then put them on stage. Dude, the first two guys I would open for on the road, it was Doug Benson and Brian Poussaint. Jesus Christ. And they were like, they wanted to smoke all day. That I was like,

every time I was a feature act, like almost every time I was a feature act, I was terrible because I thought like I have to smoke. I have to smoke with these guys or they won't take me on the road. But I'm like barely getting through this half hour, and I'm terrible. It's not a smart move for someone who's just getting going to be that high on stage.

But one time I did, I was, I really didn't smoke pot until I was 30. Like, really smoked pot. But I did it a handful of times when I was younger. And one time, when I was, like, 21 21 i was living with my buddy jimmy and uh him and one of his friends came over and he had pot we smoked some pot during the day i think we had a barbecue or something and then i had a gig like six hours later i was still high and i remember being on stage and and my timing was excellent and I was so locked in and focused. And I remember being terrified that I was going to be terrible.

Terrified. But I really nailed it for whatever reason. But then I never did it again. And I was like, boy, I got away with it. And then I started smoking when I was 30. And it kind of changed my act. Like it made my act more introspective. I started talking about weirder subjects and more interesting things.

I started talking about things that I was actually more interested in. Did you start to write on stage more when you were high on stage? Yeah, I kind of always have written on stage a little bit, but mostly, mostly, like, tangents. Like, I'd go off on a weird branch. If I knew how to get back to the river, right, I would take like a weird stream off to the right. And then just as long as I knew how to get back to the river of whatever the fuck I was talking about, I'd be fine. But when I'm high, I'll just like go wandering through the woods. Like I'm not, I'm not even concerned about the river.

I'm like, you know, there's the the river of thought the pattern that you're following but when i'm high i'm like what what who the fuck wants that and why why would you be that person and then i started thinking like i remember when i was a kid and then i'll just like out of nowhere have this idea and i'm hoping it's going to go somewhere and those moments i feel like they're like it's like foraging for food like occasionally you find it like if you go out looking for mushrooms you don't know where they are you might find edible mushrooms hopefully you're going to find them yeah sometimes you won't sometimes you come home with an empty basket but sometimes you get them and the only way you find out is if you forage and that's kind of what it feels like when I'm high on stage.

It's like, okay, it's going a little. But then I'm also really worried that I'm going to be boring. Like I want to be, I know these people paid to see. I know I'm trying to develop material. But I also know I'm entertaining these people in the present. So it's like a fine line. Yeah, I don't have that confidence to waste the audience's time. know what i mean like i like i'll see chris rock yeah chris is a friend of mine and he'll go up and just like with nothing yeah and just sit there and like very comfortably

for 45 minutes and just and just and just kind of talk and look for things and has no problem with it whatsoever and i'm like this is what else kill me. What else? He'll go, what else? What else? And he'll stare at the sky, look at the ground. I can't. You know who was the master at that? It was Damon Wayans. Oh, my God. Who a lot of people forgot. A lot of people forgot was one of the fucking, still is one of the best comics ever.

Damon was a goddamn murderer in the 90s. Oh, I loved him coming up. But I remember going to the haha cafe uh they would do like a show every tuesday that my friends would run and damon wayans would always drop in and do an hour and ruin the show like he would have no material and he would just attack people in the crowd by the time he was off stage like the audience was furious like they were they went crazy when he came out and then by the end they were just like why is he doing this to us and we like we were like oh fuck damon wayne's this year it was so funny somebody like looked up to as a kid and like

loved you're just like oh man this asshole again wow that's crazy i wonder why he was doing that i mean i guess it's probably because he couldn't do it at the store anymore yeah what how how many years ago was this god i, I mean, at least 10, 12, 13 years ago. Yeah, see, that makes sense, right? Because that's around 2005. Yeah, that's like probably he stopped going to the store. The store probably tightened up the way they used to. Because they used to just let anybody just drop.

Like, Eddie Griffin would drop in. Wasn't on the schedule. He would drop in at 9 p.m. and get off stage at 3 a.m. And that was real. Yeah. Yeah, that was real. Six hours. That would kill me.

That would kill me. And then when he was done, he'd be like, who's next? Who's next? Who's next, dude? You did six hours. What's the longest set you've ever done i think an hour and 40 minutes maybe a little longer and i don't remember but i think an hour and 40 minutes probably the longest i've ever done yeah yeah but that's too long too long yeah

an hour and 20 is more than anybody should ever have to hear you talk yeah and even that is like pushing it what i like i like i like to do when i do like a theater i do an hour or an hour and 10 and i just well i just want to just start and then finish just come on go ready and then for one hour i want everything to be tight and concise and i would way rather have an hour and 10 minutes that people really enjoyed versus an hour and a half where they're like an hour of it was really funny because then it leaves you with this even if it's the same hour that extra time i also just think the audience doesn't want to see more than an hour of comedy like it's like like people like oh i did three hours the other night like why like the audience must have hated it. Like, Chappelle used to drop in at the Cellar.

He and Dan Cook were going back and forth like who could do the longer set. Longest ever. World record, right? They have world records. Yeah, and then I think Bob Marley eventually broke it or something. Bob Marley from Maine?

Oh, yeah. Didn't he do like two days on stage? Yeah, it's something insane. But Chappelle was down there one time and I was like, oh, I'm going to go check it out. And it was like almost unwatchable. Yeah. and i was like oh i'm gonna go check it out and it was like almost unwatchable yeah because it was like the pacing that they had that you have to do in order to be on stage that long and he was funny but it would be like not funny for long stretches

then a big punch line yeah and then back into it you're like all right like that was when dave was on hiatus right that was when dave kind of like took time off a comedy for a long time he i mean kind of like he wasn't doing specials but i think he was doing like surprise shows like he was always always kind of on tour in weird venues he's still doing that now you know he's not always doing like big big giant theaters so like he'll just want to book like a 20 seat room yeah and uh make his agents crazy well he's been doing he's been doing the lab at the improv that little tiny room which is what 50 50 seats maybe yeah he did it aziz did it that's a that's a place where comedy dies that little fucked up room i have always hated that room that room sucks

every dick on the planet when people are like oh you can try new stuff it's like i can try new stuff in the main room yeah for a good crowd like why do i want to uh do this little terrible room i don't know why it's even there well it's a weird one was because the belly room is perfect the belly room works yeah but some for some reason that lab seems like why is there comedy here what is why is the door right there why is the street right there what is this yeah what is this here what do you got going on here everything about it it's bad yeah like i was trying to tell them i go turn that into the comic screen room like no there's good comedy then like shut your mouth you shut your mouth you turn that into the comic screen room yeah they used to be where the bar was remember they used to be like where everybody

would hang out before the show it was great it was great and you go in the other room to go on stage and you would go from that part to go on stage now everybody goes from the front door to go on stage so you're trapped in that little hallway and you're like where the fuck how do i where do i hide yeah yeah there's nowhere to hide that's why i love the store so much yeah there's so many places to hide but the store has a little problem with the or like when you right before you're about to go on stage you're in the hallway and yeah i don't like the hallway but i like those seats on against the back yeah just for comics you can kind of sit there and go over your notes and yeah leave you alone i love that back bar yeah that back bar is my favorite the back bar is the

shit the the secret comedians bar yeah i mean that's just what they've done in the new this new generation of managers and the people that run the place now they've sort of like really paid attention to like what what's going to make these guys happier what's going to make this better like you got to give them a place where they can hide so give them that back bar and you go to the back bar any day it's filled with people just hanging out talking shit and like it's fun it's like a fun place i go there i gravitate and i get into the back area i'm like oh look at all these cool people. This is a great spot to hang out in.

They did that. They added security. It's night and day to the way it used to be. Oh, I never used to go there. I didn't like hanging out there. I didn't like any part of it. And then once the new management took over, I was like, oh, great. I once did a show there.

I did a benefit. There was a kid who died. I forget his name name he was a comic uh died in a car accident and they had like a benefit for his family oh yeah that's josh adam meyer's friend angelo yeah yeah angelo bauer i did not know him i didn't know him either but uh but he was like a fan of mine and i was like i was like his favorite comic that they could get and i'm like on i'm on the marquee it's a sold-out show i have a great set i walk off and tommy comes up and he's like uh the old manager was like anthony that was great man we got we got to get you around here you got you got to start hanging out you know you got to start hanging out and doing you know doing the open mic and stuff and i'm like tommy open my name is on the marquee right now you just

watched me headline this show like what are you talking about and i then i don't think i ever saw him again next thing i knew he was fired and they were like what can we do to get you back here well i love it well that's adam you're right adam did the same thing to me he told me that tommy got fired and came to visit me the improv so you were gone seven years seven years from the store yeah and then when tommy left they brought you back in yeah well there's two reasons um one i had to go physically to the store because ari was filming his comedy central special and is like that he's a you know ari's just one of my best friends and i knew him from the time he was a doorman and I knew that him filming his special there was so important and there's no way I was going to miss it I was like I have to be here

like I have to see this at the store so I was like ah fuck all right I gotta go back and so I decided to go back I think he was filming on a Wednesday what what night is uh roast battles on Tuesday right so I went down there on a Tuesday I i said let me go down on tuesday just to see what's up and i went to roast battle and i was like holy shit this place is electric this is crazy like the environment is so much different it's so creative and the the night that i was at roast battle was fucking fantastic it was so good there was so many funny roasters and i remember thinking wow this place is just different, man. It just feels so much different. And it wasn't like it is now.

Now, you'll go on a Saturday night, they'll have six sold-out shows. They have two shows in the belly room, two in the OR, two in the main room. Everything's sold out and packed with headliners, and it's chaos. It wasn't like that. It was still sort of shitty like in terms of like the numbers but the vibe and the creativity was way different and the new guys and girls that were coming up they were fucking good man i was like wow this is a different vibe i had been gone for almost a decade yeah so that brought me in and like i said i had to be there for ari there was no way like

there's no way i could miss it i had to be there for ari there was no way like there's no way i could miss it i had to be there so i'm like all right i'm just gonna swallow it and that was probably what adam for sure helped but i might have stayed away forever if it wasn't for ari i just i had to see it you know do you like roast battle do you like uh judging that i get I cringe sometimes because they're so fucking mean. Yes. Yeah. Sometimes people are so mean, you know,

um, uh, but I do like it. I do love the writing aspect of it. I love the fact that it's a joke writers forum, but I don't want to name any names, but there's one comic that I'm friends with that does really well on roast battle. And I said, Hey man, how come you, when you roast, you have all this good new material, I don't want to name any names, but there's one comic that I'm friends with that does really well on Roast Battle.

And I said, hey, man, how come you, when you roast, you have all this good new material, but you're doing the same stupid shit when you go on stage all the time? Like, you've been doing the same set for years. You're not advancing because you're not writing a lot. But you're writing a lot when you write for roasts. And I'm like, you should treat, like, your material your material like the same way you treat your material when you have to roast like the thing about the roast is like say if uh you are gonna roast with tony hinchcliffe you guys know each other you know who you're writing for all right tony what does

he look like he looks like you know you start fucking around with oh i know this about tony and that about tony this is gonna be funny and it forces you to be creative whereas i think there's so many guys that they they develop a framework of a set and then they just kind of like that that is their comfort the comfort is in the fact that they know even if it's not good they know that they can go from this to that and that to this and they know where they're going and they don't they're not lost you know and I think that the beautiful thing about the roast is none of that material you can do in any other place. You can only do it right there. So you have to work on that.

And so oftentimes you see what a comic's capable of when they're roasting versus what they're doing when they're actually doing the real set, which seems stale. Yeah. Yeah. which seems stale. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it's almost, I agree with everything that you're saying, that it's almost like,

it's not beneficial to be like a really good at roast battle and not as a stand, like it can take away from stand up and people think it's like this path to glory and I'm not sure that it is. No, I don't think it is. I think it's a good exercise if you're treating all of your comedy

the way you treat the roast battle. Like you're always working on it. But I think there's a lot of guys you're treating all of your comedy the way you treat the roast battle. Like, you're always working on it. But I think there's a lot of guys that just aren't working on it. I think part of our problem is there's no other art form like stand-up where there's, like, you were telling me, you were saying how you took a class to learn to get on stage. But you were quick to add, and almost every great comic does this, that you really didn't learn anything in that class but but it got you to the stage that's weird that there's nothing like the best education that we have is talking to each other like like how do you write how do you do it and i'm always i've been doing comedy 30 years and i'm always like how do you do it what are you doing what are you doing this way are you doing

it that way what do you write do you write it out like everybody's got a different thing like bill bird doesn't write anything out just his notes and he works it out on stage you know he writes it he has these ideas in his head and then he rants and you know he uses his podcast to develop a lot of his material because his podcast is unique and that it's just him talking but everybody's got a different thing and there's no one who's right. No one's right. Was it Stan Hope who said that if you give a comic advice, you're just telling

them how to be more like you? That I kind of agree with it. You can say write more, get on stage as much as you can. That's important. But there are things even in comedy that you hear early on that it takes 10 years to understand yeah you know like i remember the movie uh um the movie comedian with jerry seinfeld was like a huge

influence on me and there's one point where seinfeld's kind of depressed and he's like colin quinn's like what's the matter he's like i just don't know when i'll be back you know when i'll feel like i'm back again with this new material and colin quinn says uh when you're on stage and you're killing and you're miserable that's when you'll know you're back like when you're just like great i'm making these idiots laugh and seinfeld is dying laughing and i was like i saw that and i didn't understand what he meant and now i know exactly what you know well if i could go back to when that was filming i would grab orny adams and go don't do it don't let them do this to you man how long you been doing comedy don't let them do this they're gonna put you that they're doing this to make

jerry look better don't let them do it i mean he must have thought it was like the biggest thing in the world for him yeah uh and i'm so mad like i love that movie i watched the dvd once a year and there's no orny adams track. They should give him one. They'll reference it. Like in the other commentary, they'll be like, Orny will talk about this in his. And I think he was so angry with the way he was portrayed that he refused to do one. That was weird. They just edited him, the worst aspects of it.

They didn't want to give a nuanced perspective on who he is and what he's doing they just wanted him to be like the young guy who's trying to figure it out versus the old you know legend but they would like my friends would use him as an example like if i was like acting like a jerk they'd be like you're behaving like orny adam like you need to like i came in second in like a comedy competition and i was mad about it and they they were like, don't be like Orny. And I was like, thank you. Got it. Well, he's doing great now. I mean, Orny's doing fine. I met him a couple times.

He's always been nice to me. He's a nice guy. I once did a show at the Improv. This was years ago. And it's an 8 o'clock show. I'm not the headliner. Orny's going on after me. But it's like I'm the biggest name on the marquee.

And I get there, and there's six people in the audience. And two of them were like friends of mine who had never seen me perform before. Oh, no. And I was like, this is humiliating. I was like, I'm like yelling at the staff. I'm like, how do you have six people here at 8 p.m. on a Friday? I can go to the store right now, and the five rooms are sold out. Like, what's going on?

And I get on stage, and I'm so embarrassed that my friends are seeing me. I can go to the store right now and it's, the five rooms are sold out. Like, what's going on? And I get on stage and I'm so embarrassed that my friends are seeing me that I'm yelling at the staff. Staff members are walking by and I'm screaming at them, like yelling at the sound guy. I don't even do a joke.

I like put the mic down. I'm like, fuck this place. I'm never coming back and I leave. And I see my friends a couple days later and I'm like,

so sorry about that. They're like, no, you were funny. They go, the guy who went after you, that guy was angry. And I'm like so sorry about that they're like no you were funny they go the guy who went after you that guy was angry and i'm like that guy was angry i yelled at the sound guy for 15 minutes like what the hell did he do the improv had those dark moments they still kind of do

sometimes like shop did a show there recently on friday night it was 25 people in the crowd i love i blew up at uh at like the new booker that i called me up and then like we would love to have you back if we see you at the store what can we do to get you back at the improv and i'm like email me once a once a week and tell me what spots you have and i'll tell you when i can go like all right like i'm booked for a wednesday i see the lineup it's like me five people tiffany haddish i'm like great should be a good show day of the improv emails me. And they're like,

listen, Tiffany Haddish wants to do an hour and she wants you to introduce her. So it's just going to be the two of you guys. No MC. And I'm like, did you just bump me down to opening act? Like without, and not asking if this is okay. Just like,

you're now the MC going up cold. That I was, and I'm like, all right, I'll be there, but know that I'm furious. And they're like, why didn't you just cancel? And I'm like, because I want you to know how mad I am, and I'm never coming back here. And Tiffany was great. I was nice to her.

But I couldn't believe that they would treat me like that. I'm there tomorrow night. At the improv? I'm there all the time. Yeah. You want to do a set? Maybe. It was sold out. I'll drop in.

Sold out. Actually, I'm going to dinner to celebrate the special the time. Yeah. You want to do a set? Maybe. It was sold out. Sold out. Actually, I'm going to dinner to celebrate the special. Damn. Yeah. It's good if you catch it with a packed crowd. It's just they didn't have the right approach to marketing. Yeah. That's all it is.

But when I first started, that was the club. Yeah. Well, that was where I went when I left the store. When I left the store for seven years, I did my sets at the Improv, at the Ice House, Ha Ha. I did just anywhere else but the store. Laugh Factory? No.

No. No. Never? They film you. Yes. Yeah. And they put people up. And they've done it with me.

They put your shit up online. And they say they don't do it anymore, but it's too late. You can't just do that. Yeah. And their attitude about it was very disappointing. Like when I told them that I wanted them to take my shit down, they weren't understanding or apologetic until it became a big deal. Like big deal, like how to get other people involved it was not good it's not wise to think that you could just film people and put them online when they're working out for free yeah and not tell them yeah especially like

a guy like you who's going to do a fucking netflix special so you're going to release this stuff and put it online long before Netflix gets a hold of it and the attitude about it just wasn't good I mean it's a great club I've worked there many many times I just don't do it anymore yeah you know it's just get it together you know this this is the fucking big leagues we're in Hollywood this is not like some fucking shithole comedy club in the middle of nowhere that nobody goes to this is on the sunset strip this is in hollywood and you're doing that like what do you guys what are you doing yeah you couldn't trust him it just was ridiculous but it's a great club i mean you go there you'll see

great comedy it's it's a fucking killer setup you know it's there's a lot of the pieces are in place for it to be amazing yeah i was going back for a little bit but they would like they would use me to promote the whole show it's like it's like as if it's just my show right i'm just doing 15 minutes and making the same money as everybody else on the lineup like if i'm at the comedy store it's like me you delia sebastian like you don't feel that pressure right and we're all in it together kind of thing that it's i i enjoy the store a lot more than uh just the way they promote yeah i feel that pressure right and we're all in it together kind of thing that it's i i enjoyed the store a lot more than uh just the way they promote yeah i feel less pressure yeah the quality of the comedy is better and at the store and this like there's something about that that i think is

like one of the things that's happened from the seven years ago or the seven years when i was gone versus now which i've been back like almost four years, it'd be four years in November or five years in November, is that it's better for me to see guys like you and to see guys like Neil Brennan and all these, just working with killers, just this lineup of like, where I know that if there's 400 people in that audience, they're coming to see everybody. They're not just coming to see me and i think that's that's critical for developing

material i think it's critical for putting piecing stuff together and and putting an act together it's like i need a balanced audience i don't want to perform for the the converted you know what i mean exactly like if i like i feel like the store is like a gym yeah where you're working out we're like you're not getting the same i don't get the same laughs at the store that i do if i go to largo and every single person there has paid 30 bucks just to see me so they're like it makes it easier but because i've worked at the store like you it's like i've earned that at largo yeah you know but But if I just did Largo all the time and that was it, I wouldn't be as good.

You know, you need to kind of, you need to suffer a little bit. They're so nice at Largo. I did, I did Whitney's show at Largo and it was, it was so, so nice.

And then I did this bit about mocking feminists and I could say like, I don't like feminists for the same reason why i don't like white people who are only into white people like i like people who like everybody like i'm not interested in anybody who's really only into one thing you know like come on stop yeah like it's nonsense you're like i do do women need equal rights of a fucking course of course yeah but i don't want to hear you talk about it all the time. It's annoying. Yeah.

And you can see like the tightening up, like someone saying that they don't like feminists. It's like, oh, you guys are indoctrinated. I see what this is. And so then I felt like, and it helped me actually develop this one piece that I was doing. And that sort of rounded out this one piece I was doing because I was trying to figure out a way that I could explain it to someone who might have a preconceived notion about who I am, to say it in a way that makes people that were hesitant laugh,

you know what I mean, versus savages at 11.30 on a Saturday night that are hammered. Yeah, so Whitney Cummings' crowd wasn't into your anti-feminist thing? They laughed. They laughed because the punchline was good, and I had a place to go with it, and the place to go was ultimately mocking men's rights activists. The real thing was the setup for that joke is

I don't like anybody anybody's into one thing and i go but what drives me the most fucking crazy is men's rights activists like every men's rights activist i ever met i just want to grab them and go dude we got them all yeah we got all the rights yeah we got them all i can't believe that's a real thing men's rights activists what's a real thing if you get divorced and you have child, it's for child custody. Those things are real. Like, guys really, I know men who have gotten really fucked over in divorce, where their wife hired a fucking killer lawyer, and they drag them through. See, the thing about, and I learned this from Phil Hartman, unfortunately, before he died, I was trying to tell him to get divorced.

And I said, just give her half, man. You'll make more money'll make more money he goes it's not half he goes it's two thirds he goes the fucking lawyers take a third it's a goddamn scam you know he like he was furious about it because apparently he'd been trying to figure it out like how to do it but i had a friend whose wife ex-wife dragged it out on purpose because she wanted him to pay the legal bills so he had to pay for her lawyer he had to pay for his lawyer and then he had to pay for all of the times that she decided to change the goal posts and renegotiate like there's no no one can say that you can't renegotiate so she would just renegotiate and just drag things out. And her goal was to try to drain him financially.

So she was doing this on purpose, like targeting him. So he was essentially paying for the general of the army that was plotting to murder him. And he was slowly going crazy. And I was watching my friend go crazy. And it took several years for it to be completely resolved and he's still paying her he's still but he's been divorced for i think 12 years now and he still pays her they didn't have a child um and he has a family now he's married with children now he and he still pays this person still pay like he fucked her so hard she can't work 12 years later

yeah it's so that's where men's rights activists have a point because if you're in a state that's particularly uh progressive or liberal in regards to alimony and child support the only well the only thing that we win on that is like tom. We got one on the board for Tom Arnold. But the problem with that is I love Roseanne more than I love Tom Arnold. No offense, Tom, but I do. So it bothered me that Roseanne had to pay him. Like, bro, get the fuck out of here. You can work.

How come when you're with a successful person, if that successful person says, fucking kick bricks, get out of here, you have to pay them? That person has to pay the person they're getting rid of why well oh he's used to her lifestyle what that's that that i'm used to it is uh it's crazy thing yeah it's the only thing that makes sense is child care that makes sense like hey um this person is taking care of the children they're your children. You guys had these children together. You have to contribute to the money that it costs to raise a child.

100%. I get it. What I don't get is alimony. I just don't get it. We're not together anymore. Know how we were before we were together and you didn't have any money? And then you met me and now I have money and then you got used to having money? Well, you're going to have to get used to not having money because now you don't have any money and then you met me and now i have money and then you you got used to having money well you're gonna have to get used to not having money because now you

don't have any money because now we're not together anymore or like a year maybe you know what i mean like let her take some time to get back on her feet right but don't be a prostitute or anything yeah you don't have to be i think it's just bitterness it's like i want to take you for everything that i can like one of my friends who was going through a divorce, he was like, of all my friends who've gotten a divorce, 80% of them, if they have kids, the wife accuses the husband of molesting the kids. Oh, Jesus Christ. Just for visitation. You know, just to like- For negotiation.

Yeah, exactly. Well, lawyers are onto that now. You know, I mean, this is actually something that my friend was warned of when him and his wife were splitting up. Like, is your wife malicious? Will she, you know, make some sort of a baseless accusation? And he's like, how so? And then they went into that. Yeah, man, there's evil people out there.

And there's also this thing that happens when people break up with someone. If there's someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore, someone that you deeply loved and cared about, you to suffer it's weird it's weird i mean it's normal so i guess it's not that weird but the the evil vicious jealousy you know like you see that vicious jealousy in chimpanzees like one of the things that chimpanzees do when they attack people one of the things they attack people over is unfairness like uh there was a terrible story about a guy who had kept a pet chimp and then brought the uh chimp a birthday cake on his birthday brian pacin has a whole bit about it do you does it does he really yeah um and the other chimps found out that this chimp was getting a birthday cake and they saw it and they weren't

getting any cake and they were fucking furious so someone had inadvertently left one of the gates open so the chimps got out tore this guy apart because of a birthday cake but it's that thing it's not like it was affecting them it's like he was doing something bad to them so they got out and killed him no they ripped his dick off because they didn't like the fact to give the other chimp a birthday cake took his dick took his fingers took his feet yeah yeah yeah posain's bit's so funny he's like the the worst thing about that story for that guy is that everyone's gonna want to hear it forever because it starts with so i was bringing a birthday cake to a chimpanzee and then and like you got to hear the rest but that that anger and jealousy like there's evolution there's an

evolutionary basis for it oh is that what he looks like now? Yeah Oh my god I'm not gonna show it It's tough His fingers are missing His face is missing He's got one eye His nose is gone Oh look at that frown

Oh my god It's that permafrown Well his face was ripped apart Probably stitched it together that way Awful Yeah It's fucking awful man Yeah you can't own a chimp

You crazy assholes. They're the most vicious of all the primates next to people. Aren't they good for like, you can train them for the first five years of their life, and then they forget everything. They just decide they're going to fuck you up. Yeah. And they're so strong. What is that one doing?

Is that the chimp? No, no, but it just popped up in the same group of pictures. Jesus. Hairless chimp. They're so mean. It's such a mean species. You know, there's a problem with colobus monkeys in parts of Africa where chimps live because they've eaten so many colobus monkeys that their population is down 97%. Yeah.

They rip them apart and eat them while they're alive. Are they tiny, Coulibs monkeys? They're not big. No. Big enough to eat. But there's a David Attenborough documentary from the 90s where they first discovered that chimps eat monkeys. They really didn't know. They thought that chimps were basically herbivores.

And then they got this video footage of them hunting these monkeys and the way they would corral them and beat them through the trees and catch them and this monkey screaming while this chimp is ripping it apart from the hips like just chewing it and pulling it apart from the he's like and he's like basically ripping his legs and his ass end off and just eating it alive god damn they're fucking mean man they're fucking mean it's a mean animal but the what i get the fact that look everything's mean in the jungle there's big cats and poisonous snakes and spiders and it's just a hard hard hard world but the thing that drives that gets me is the jealousy because i don't think other animals experience jealousy the way chimps do like this is that it right there oh from the attenborough the end of the clip where they

actually caught it yeah so that's a monkey in his hand jesus yeah dude the videos of it killing it while they're pulling it apart like but the that jealousy that i want you to suffer i didn't get that fucking cake. Oh, you don't let me have that cake. I can't get any cake. I'm going to pull your fucking dick off. I'm going to bite your nose off. Like that is a strange trait for an animal to have.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I think it's a terrible trait for a human being to have. Oh, yeah. We are animals. Yeah. It's something you got to work on. But when it comes to divorce, like that's that same thing. It's like that same, I want you to fucking suffer.

I want to pull your dick off. And that's why, you know, people hire hit men and shit to kill their ex-wives and kill their ex-husbands. Yeah. People don't get less crazy as they age. No. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A lot of times they get more because then they realize it's almost over. The ride's over and uh now you know you're a 65 year old lady no one wants to fuck you and you're a 65 year old man no one's a fuck you either and now all of a sudden you guys are battling you know yeah battling over finances and this and that i gave you the best years of my life oh that's my favorite i did i did a girl once when we broke up, she said, I wasted all this time with you. I said, oh. I go, I thought we were dating. Yeah.

I didn't know you were investing. Yeah. Yeah. I wasted it. Oh, you wasted it. Well, I guess every relationship when it's over is a waste. Like, what? That's so bizarre. Yeah. Bizarre way of looking at it. Yeah, enjoy a waste. Like, what? That's so bizarre. Yeah. Bizarre way of looking at it.

Yeah. Enjoy the present. Enjoy the time you had together. Yeah, but if you're thinking about it in terms of, like, hitching a ride on a successful train. Yeah, if your goal is to get married, and you're with someone for five years, and then you break up, like, oh, you know, I should have been with someone else. Yeah. Who would have married me. Now I've got to find someone else. Yeah.

The jealousy thing about the breakup, it's so normal. It's so hard for people to not be jealous. Very few people ever break up and go, hey, man, she's cool. It just didn't work out. I was a dick. She needed some growing. We both needed time away. Hey, I wish her well.

I've never really gotten jealous like i always like when they move on you know what i mean when like when they get a new boyfriend you're just like oh thank god but that's because you're a comic you have opportunities yeah yeah true but it's like but it's like you're not their responsibility anymore yeah i mean they can still like if they're single they can still call you up you know in the middle of the night yeah still get mad about things like still let's talk about this again once you're dating someone else you're like all right yeah you're someone else's problem now the best is when they have a kid with someone else you're like yes it's over baby yeah

never talk to you again i'm free yeah it's interesting man it's it's a it's an interesting thing when you decide to touch naked bodies with a person. You create this bond by doing things with your bodies and spending time together. And then you separate. But you're always going to have this, yeah, but I used to touch naked bodies with her. Yeah, we used to get together and we used to do things together. We don't do it anymore, but I did it. I did it back in the day.

I got her naked and we got naked together. Yeah, you had history. Yeah, it's history. It's weird. You know? Yeah, yeah. She'll never forget. I won't either.

We touched each other. Yeah. I like the idea of, like, relationships, looking back fondly on relationships. Yeah. I never felt like, oh, I wasted my time. There are people that I've dated that I'm like, probably shouldn't have done that. But for the most part, try to uh have good feelings about it you don't want to you don't want to hate like a period of your life no it's pointless but and but there's lessons learned those ones that i've had that were like oh that's how you know like

what when you date someone and it's cool when they're they're good you get it like i did this girl long long time ago who's super negative just super negative all the time and. I dated this girl a long, long time ago who was super negative, just super negative all the time. And then I dated this other girl right afterwards who was not negative at all. She was always laughing about stuff and joking around no matter what. Even if her car would get in an accident, she'd take a deep breath and go, Well, that car's fucked up. And she would start laughing. And I was like, Oh, there's different ways to handle things.

If you get stuck with your high school sweetheart and she's a pain in the ass forever, like, you never understand. Like, there are the exact same circumstances. One person is going to handle it completely differently. And if you're with that person, it's going to be a totally different experience where it'll be a bonding experience versus them woe is me-ing for the next six months and bringing it back to I can't even look at a Taurus

because it reminds me of when I got in that accident and the Taurus hit my car like fuck that was a year ago I like when people are together for a long time they break up

and then the guy gets married to the next woman he runs into instantly instantly it's like he just like found the opposite of what he'd been dealing with

and was just like so over the moon about it yeah they had to marry her right away that happened to a buddy of mine he dated an actress and then it was just uh you know it's just brutal everything was career this career that was about her career he was trying to help her career and and then they broke up he's like i'm never getting married again a month later he's with this new chick and he's living with her two months later and then he's married six months later i'm like what happened he goes i realized it wasn't that i didn't want to be married he goes i just didn't want to be married to her because i realized like there's some people out there that i get along great with yeah and if you don't if you don't bail on a bad relationship you don't know that there's you can

be and you are going to be different that's the other thing like you're i'm different with different people you're different with something like you react better to certain people and certain people's personalities you jive better with them you have more fun with them it's more entertaining it's and you get to like reintroduce yourself you know the other person knows you for this like five year period of time maybe you weren't at your best. Yes. But you've already used all your tricks.

Yes. You know what I mean? If you give a girl diamond earrings, you can never give her diamond earrings again for as long as you live. You know what I mean? It's like that present is over for now. And then when you get with someone new,

it's a clean slate. Right. You can impress them. Yeah, they haven't heard your fucking dumb stories already you know you can like you can like i'll listen to this well i always tell guys strive to be the person you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid if you can be that person that real person all the time which is very difficult to do but if you can be that person most of the time if not all the time you'll have a better life yes i would agree with that yeah but it's fun to try to impress people it's fun when you meet someone like boy wait till

they see how witty i am yeah yeah i think it's weird like with me i'm like i don't like when someone's just into me just because they know who i am like you're a famous comedian i'm like a little annoyed but if they have no idea who i am i'm also a little annoyed. But if they have no idea who I am, I'm also a little annoyed. You know, it's like, it's like there should be perks to this. Yeah. That I'm missing out on. Yeah.

Did you not Google me? Yeah. Yeah. You're not a comedy fan? What? Are you from another country? What's going on? Could you imagine dating someone

who didn't like comedy? Anthony, I love you. You're amazing, but I don't like standup. I mean, if it was someone who just like didn't like stand-up but thought i was great i could handle it they didn't like stand-up in general but they like

your material in particular like do you watch a lot of stand-up me yeah i watch it at the clubs i very rarely sit down and watch a special yeah it's true do you watch a special ever occasionally like right now i'm working on it and trying to put together a new album. So I'm trying to go back and watch stuff. But for years I didn't watch anything. But it's funny. The three comics that I watch are you, D'Elia, and Sebastian because I follow you guys at the store. So it's like I'm in the room sitting there and you're the only three that I watch.

I could recite your act word for word and I don't watch anyone else. It's so funny to me. Well, I think it's great to be, again, at a place like the store where you can see all these different styles and all these different people doing it. And you also see how we kind of influence each other in the slightest bit and that we're all working in these really hot rooms where it's all packed and but i think it's good to sit down and watch you know john mulaney when he did his where was that where was his radio city radio city or you know dave chappelle wherever he did his he did his in dc i think right the big one wasn't in dc i think it was in la the last one well he did the store with the belly room with the little one belly was in la the last one well he did the store with the belly room

with the little one belly room he did the other one where he's wearing like the military shirt with the c on it the oj thing we talked about oj that was in la and then there was one in austin there may have been one more in dc i thought the most recent bigger one was in dc but either way the um maybe you're right where what well jamie will find it but it's i think it's a it's good to see you know it's good to see how different people do it i i always enjoy watching kat williams particularly in the beginning because you know like a lot of times he'll just run out on stage and like he's running around on stage for like five or ten minutes before the fucking first joke comes out and he's pointing at people in the audience and sweating and going crazy it's

and it's so different than the way anybody that i know does it it's good to see that too yeah he i think the most discussed uh stand-up special of the past year was not in a net it was kat williams his special did you see it yes the one he did from florida where he opens up with 10 minutes of florida material 15 minutes of jacksonville material that is like apparently destroying that we just i just i couldn't get enough of it we watched watched it 100 times yeah but it tapered off pretty hard oh yeah yeah it tapered off real hard when he was doing the trump stuff it's like wow this stuff is like half baked yeah it looked like it looked like he had a bit that they like made him cut and so he had to just like do the hour anyway that's what i assumed from having watched it i doubt they do that though they don't

tell you to do shit they don't tell me to do shit i don't think they're going to tell him to do shit they may have been like this is someone this is already a bit do you know what i mean as simple as that i don't know it seemed to me that it was almost like he had some shit to say, but maybe hadn't been doing a lot of stand-up. I don't know how much that guy works out. I don't see him anywhere. I always wonder about those guys. The guys who you don't see in the clubs.

Bill Bird saw a special one day, and we were doing a set together at the Ice House, and he came into the green room, like, frothing at the mouth, and he's like, he goes, the fucking guy, I forget, I know who he's talking about, I'll tell you later, but he was like, the fucking guy doesn't do the clubs anymore. He doesn't do the clubs. He goes, he's watching this cringy bullshit, and he was, like, angry, you know, he's like, you gotta do the fucking clubs.

Yeah, people get too comfortable, you know, it's just, just it's only their fans they're just preaching to their fan base yeah you know a guy like bill maher who's not changing anyone's mind just like people are people are applauding they're they know they're gonna applaud before they even get there yeah i would never do a comedy club he doesn't do comedy clubs at all i'm sure he does not he doesn't do comedy clubs at all i'm sure he does not yeah yeah i think you i think you really have to yeah no i think so too yeah well he's in this weird category too right where he's not just doing comedy he's got to do everything has to be political because this whole thing is about political political shit like his show his his persona who he is you know he donated a million dollars to the democratic party like he's it's all politics oh all of it and i can't stand political humor just because it's just it's so

easy you know you're either you're either making everyone mad or you're making everyone really happy but it doesn't really matter like what the joke is yeah you know yeah yeah yeah it's uh and then if you're doing stuff about like the speaker of the house, Oh my God. When someone's like, so the Mueller report, it's like, fuck man. Like, no. Yeah. You know, who's like super deep into politics on the right is Nick DiPaolo.

Like every time I talk to him. Yeah. And wants to talk about the fucking steel dossier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about all this different, all the shit Obama did. How about when Obama did this? Yeah. And wants to talk about the fucking Steele dossier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wants to talk about all this different, all the shit Obama did. How about when Obama did this?

Yeah. How do you know? Yeah. How do you even know this? I know. The knowledge of it. I once got a phone call before the last election, like a year ago. And they're like, we want to ask you about how involved would you say are you with politics?

And I'm like, very. Actually, I'm pretty passionate right now. And they're like, how involved would you say are you with politics and i'm like very actually i'm pretty passionate right now um and like how informed would you say you are i'm like i'm i'd say i'm very informed and they're like okay and they start asking me questions and i did not know what the fuck they were talking about like i hadn't heard of any of these things any of these bills like i have no idea i have no idea what's going on it's like the difference between a casual sports fan and someone who really understands all the drafts and all the picks from different colleges. And this guy's got potential and this guy needs to work on his defense. They know the 40 times. Yes.

The people who know the combine numbers. Bench press 225, 47 times. There's people that know that stuff. It's exhausting. Because it's so involved like you have to if you really want to be paying attention to everything that's going on with nancy pelosi you gotta you gotta be paying attention to that all day long and most of the people that do that they're nuts like you're you're it's just it's like sports it's sports

but in a different way like you're just this is the thing that you're wrapped up in. Although, it does shape our world, you know? Yeah. As, like, right-wing comics go, though, there's not a lot of, like, Nick DiPaolo's the king. Because he's actually really fucking funny. Like, he's right-wing as, like, a person, and, you know, he's conservative, but he's also a great stand-up comedian. But did he get more rights as he got older? Yeah.

So he wasn't always – because I remember DePaulo. He was one of my favorites when I would see him on TV as a kid. And I know him a little bit now. But the right things seemed to come up more and more in the past 10 years. Yeah, he was always an angry guy. But he became like an old angry guy that's really into politics as he got older. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I guess part of it is it works for him. People love to hear it. There's not a lot of those guys. Who does the right have to bank on in terms of comics that they could go see? Tim Allen. Barely. Does he do stand-up anymore? I think he does.

I think he goes up to Laugh Factory and does some things. Yeah. Okay. So maybe he's one of those guys. When was the last time he went on stage? Six months ago. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You know what I mean? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But who else? Okay. So you got Tim Allen and Nick DiPaolo. There's got to be more. There must be.

I mean, Norton kind of leans right a little bit. More libertarian. But he doesn't do a lot of politics. He doesn't do a lot of politics jokes. He'll talk about it. But who the fuck else? There's like no one. But if you wanted to be like left-wing comedians, you could start with Michelle Wolfe and work your way up. Oh, yeah. There's millions of them. Michelle Wolfe wasn't to like left-wing comedians you could start with michelle wolf and work your way up oh yeah there's there's millions of them michelle wolf wasn't even like

left wing i think the correspondence dinner everyone's like this is a star making turn and i think it almost ruined her really like yes because her show netflix was called the break like it was called the break and was like we're gonna take a break from all of this and just talk about like other things going on in the world we don't need to be focused on politics and after that after the correspondence dinner it was like the opening show was like her going after sarah huckabee sanders and you're like oh you you got forced into this you know you found a niche yeah yeah it's tricky if you find a thing that works, and then people are like, you should really concentrate on that. I remember Jamie Masada gave a friend of mine advice once way back in the day.

He's like, you should be Generation X guy. When you go on stage, you should be, I'm from Generation X. Every time, you know, like, my generation, Generation X think this and talk like that. He was giving him advice. And I was like, listen to me. this and talk like that. He was giving them advice. And I was like, listen to me. Don't listen to that. Has Jimmy Massad ever given good advice? I don't know.

Ask Tiffany Haddish. He manages her, right? So he's doing something, right? He manages her? Yeah. Recently? I heard she fired everybody. Maybe she fired him too.

Yeah. I don't know. She's a wild woman she can do whatever the fuck she wants now uh-huh you know but you know i'm so happy for her i knew her when the shit wasn't going well you know she's always been wild though she's a wild person she seems like yeah in a good way yeah yeah she's one of the two people that i saw like on stage was like oh you're gonna be a star yeah like i didn't know anything about her but i was just like you just star was it when she was queefing into the microphone no no it was not that it was not that you ever see her do that no

dude she can make the most ungodly sounds with her vagina like for real yeah oh yeah yeah she takes the microphone she puts it on her pussy and goes like like she knows how to do it. She has a, apparently she has an ability to make a noise with her vagina on cue. I'm glad I did go before her at the improv. If I had to follow that, I'd be furious. In front of six people? Yeah. Can I get a new mic, please? Yeah, I followed her before.

I didn't even think about it. I probably should have. Yeah. I feel like the genes are filter enough. Yeah, you yeah we'd hope yeah still it's not ideal yeah you like that type of person like that wild personality that like a gal like has that has like what the fuck else could she have done other than stand up i don't know but there's a lot of those people out there that never find stand up oh sure Oh, sure. And their life just becomes chaos. Like the crazy person at the office.

Yeah. You know, it's just stuck there. And, you know, you get fired from enough of those jobs, you can't even get that office job anymore because, you know, the word gets out. Oh, yeah, don't hire Tiffany. That crazy bitch, she's never going to be there. And when she is there, she's going to queef into the fucking loudspeaker. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I wish, I mean, part of me says no i don't wish that there was like some sort of an organized program to get into comedy because figure it out i figured it out you figured it out all of us did but then part of me says man there's so many kids out there there's probably a 16 year old kid right now who sees the hypocrisy in all the things these adults are doing and he fucking hates class and he's sitting there right now going nuts or there's a girl who's feeling the same way about all her stupid friends and her mom and all these fucking people that want her to be a certain way and she's like jesus christ i gotta get the fuck away from

these people and and she makes her friends laugh, but nobody ever tells her, hey, listen to me. You could do this. You could talk shit about things. You could be a really funny comedian. You gotta figure out a way to do that. Nobody does that. The number of people that have

the... How many people have you ever met in your life that have the potential to be a comic but never did it? You're around them. You're like, damn, this guy's funny. Could have been a comic. Five or six. There are people who are as funny as me in college who just went on and got jobs, and I got funnier.

I knew people like that. One of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life was an executive producer's PA. But he was so goddamn funny, I couldn't believe it. But he like, I don't think it would have translated to the stage. There's something like, there's something you have to figure out in yourself to become a good comedian. Even if you're the funniest guy in the world. Yes. You know, it's a different muscle, you know? Yeah.

And I like that there's so many different ways to do it. Like I started in LA. And people are like, you should not start in LA. Hinchcliffe did too. Yeah. Ari I like that there's so many different ways to do it. Like, I started in L.A., and people are like, you should not start in L.A. Hinchcliffe did, too. Yeah. Ari did, too. I think it helped me because it was like you had to get good right away. Well, Ari did open mics in D.C. at first, but then basically started out in L.A.

When I met him, he was a doorman at the comedy store and just a raw open mic-er. Yeah, it's hard to start out in la but it can be done especially now especially if you don't know any better you know right like i didn't i found out like years after i'd started in la that you should not start in la yeah and it wasn't like i was gonna move and go i was already living here when i decided to do stand up but i wasn't gonna like move to chicago yeah uh and start there yeah some-hmm. And it doesn't seem to work. No. I don't know anybody who's ever moved from LA to like a satellite community,

like Denver or somewhere like that, unless they were like already really established. I don't know anybody who was starting out who moved somewhere where it worked out well. No. They always, they come back or, like they go to Austin. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm going to try it out there. And it's like, it doesn't, you're just starting over. Yeah. You got to start there. You know, I'm going to try it out there. And it's like it doesn't. You're just starting over. Yeah, you got to start there. There's no right or wrong way to do it. But man, it would be nice if somebody sort of collected thoughts on how, like what to do and what not to do. Yeah, like some people are like, oh, you got to get in the road. Just get on the road.

And it's like, no, that's not great advice if you're doing C rooms. It's just going to make you hate the road. I've seen people who just look like worn through. They're just like every night they're going up and they're either like have to be like a crowd pleaser because the person's just coming to see comedy. I'm so lucky people come to see Anthony Jessel and not just a comedy show. Yeah. Because that can be brutal and painful. And I know a lot of people who are like, no, just get in the road.

And then their act suffers. They have this hacky act all of a sudden because they had to do it like that. You know what gives me serious anxiety? When I find out that someone got a Vegas residency. I go, how many nights a week? Six. Six nights a week at the stratosphere it sounds i mean someone told me david spade was thinking about doing one and he went to go see louis anderson who was doing one

this is before baskets and he was like it was just the saddest thing i'd ever seen that was like carlin's last stand was a vegas residency did he have a vegas residency yeah where was he at i forget where he was but he had like a meltdown where he like went off on the crowd just like talking calling them all pieces of shit really and yeah and then had to go to rehab was like i'm i'm addicted to painkillers like and then i don't think he ever i don't think he ever performed again well he died before like he died like he was performing when he died i mean i think he was at a hotel i'm pretty sure he was sleeping in a hotel that he was performing at when he died i would believe that but i said that last special he did was terrible he's like reading half of it oh i didn't see that it's it was it was it was just like a you like a swan song for him. But I think that was after the Vegas residency.

So he must have been doing more. Yeah, his schedule was very, very hectic and unusual. He was doing one hour a year. An hour special that he would film. And he would write it all out. Like he would write it all out and then tweak it a little bit. But it was more of a monologue than it was like set up punchline jokes and he seemed to be he was falling into this more like a more of a social commentator in some aspects than he was a stand-up towards the end you know what i mean oh yeah and someone

told me that he a lot of the reason he did an hour every year was because uh the tax problems the irs was coming out him hard and uh so he had to be working that much and it kind of made him miserable you know the story about his 9-11 story right um tell me where he recorded a special called i kind of like it when a lot of people die that was the name of the special right and he has his whole it closes with a big long 20 minute thing about like when he hears about people dying he like the more the better and he filmed it on like september 10th and then the next day came in and was like we've got we've got to cancel this but no one can ever see this or hear this and now you can get the album but even in the album he's reading it. They destroyed the actual footage from the taping. Really?

Yeah. They destroyed it? Oh, he was just like, no one can ever see this. Wow. He recorded it in Vegas at MGM Grand on September 9th and 10th. September 9th and 10th. That's crazy. Yeah.

What was it called? I kind of like it when a lot of people die. Jesus Christ. He must have woken up the morning of September 11th and go, did I manifest this? Yeah. Look at that. I kind of like it when a lot of people die. And so the audio CD, it's just him talking?

It's like him working out the... Wait a minute. It says streaming. Like the audio streaming with Amazon Prime's audio. So there's no video of it? I don't know. See if there is. Some person who works somewhere might have preserved it.

I mean, I feel like I would have heard about it. I mean, I listened to the bit and he's like, I've got to read this. This is how I do it. So it's like a very early version of it. But it's not great. But I mean, I can't even imagine taping This is how I do it. So it's like a very early version of it. But it's not great. But I mean, I can't even imagine taping a special on September 10th. He had some dark moments in his career. I took some friends to see him in 1988 at the Hampton Beach Casino.

I think that's what it was called. In Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. It was like a place where people would go up for vacation. And we went to see George Carlin there way back in the day. And he always had the same opening act. And the same opening act. I kind of knew even back then. Because I was, I guess I was an open mic-er then.

I was just starting out. I knew there were certain guys. They took people on the road with them that were terrible. They took people on the road with them that just didn't, they weren't good comics. But they made them look like heroes. They did it because they were friends with them or because they just wanted to have the worst comic ever go up before them?

It's a good question. You'd have to, I guess it would vary, but for sure there's certain comics that like it when people go out in front of them suck. They want that. There's certain comics that you see them taking people on the road and you look at it you're like what the fuck you're taking that guy with you like what are you doing why are you torturing people like that yeah but uh the opening act did better than george like he he had a terrible set he had this whole rant that he was doing because he was

like he had and unquestionably one of the greatest comics of all time but he had hours that were just not good and there was a period of time where it seemed like he just missed it like it was missed like it was missing whether it was his personal life was off or whatever it was but he had this whole rant that was like fuck this and he was like and fuck israel and fuck comedy clubs like he was saying fuck comedy clubs like this is like this whole bit and he was reading it off of a yellow legal pad and the whole audience was like standing there like not understanding like where this was going like we're waiting for the jokes where's the hilarity where's the and it wasn't it just didn't exist and my friends were mad at me really because i take it i had taken them from where we live we lived in revere

and we all uh drove all the way up to new hampshire like yeah we're gonna go see george carlin it's gonna be awesome and it was terrible it's funny i remember louis ck in like an interview years ago was talking about how he took the pressure came off of him to always have a good show but he said audience members love saying oh i, I saw George Carlin once, and he was awesome. But they really love saying, you know, I saw Carlin once, and he was horrible. Like, they still get the experience and the story of it, and it's theirs forever.

I guess. So you don't have to worry about doing a bad show. It's way better, though, if they say you were funny. I think to see a legend bomb would be great. Well, if you were a Carlin fan, you got to see those. If you went to see him live a bunch of times. Yeah, he had those rough spots, man. You know, it's one of those things.

If you're going to do an hour of stand-up every year, you're going to have some rough ones. There's no way around that oh 100 it seems like that's just i mean it can be done i think it can be done i mean i think you can put together like i'm six months in from my last special i think i could do another special in six months but it wouldn't be as good as my last one i don't think yeah i just don't think it would i just think you need time yeah one a year is crazy one years it's insane like they're guys like jimmy carr who while they're touring they're writing jokes and just putting them away so at the end of the tour when they tape the special they have all these jokes they can go through and look at and then start the new tour from that that seems like i like to sit in my set

you know what i mean i just want to be focused on that yeah not always be writing the next thing but some people who are just like i'm just going to go up and talk and it's happening a lot now i think with like the prevalence of netflix specials people just want the money and they're famous enough they can just go up and just get through it i'm like this is your legacy yes like why would you want to put out a bad special ever i don't care what they're paying you make sure it's great i feel the same way and i feel like those people that watch that when you do do that man if you don't acknowledge that you fuck them over they're never going to trust you again if you don't say hey look that one wasn't a good special i gave it a shot it just wasn't right it didn't

come out right i thought it was pretty good and then the taping didn't go well and if you don't do that they're not going to listen to you man they're like this is my best work like this oh this is your best work yeah well what the fuck you can like fool them once yeah i mean like if i went if i went on tour right now and just did the same material from the special like people would be like okay but they're not coming back the next time. Right. You know? They're going to get mad at you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. When you do a special, once it's on Netflix, you're done with that material. It's over. Done. Some people don't. I try not even to remember it.

Like I'm an idiot in the way that I, I like assume that the entire audience has seen everything I've ever done. Good. Like I really do think that

and it's like, even if it's one guy in the back who's like, I've heard these before, no one else has heard it, it still drives ever done. Good. Like, I really do think that. And it's like, even if it's one guy in the back who's like, I've heard these before, no one else has heard it, it still drives me crazy. Yeah. That I can't, I don't, I've got too much pride.

I have the same feeling, and I'll say sometimes, too, and here's, like, if something comes up, I go, I have an old bit on this, and I'll say the bit, but I'll let them know, this is an old bit. Like, this is, you know,

I got this old bit. Like, this is, you know, I got this old bit. Yeah, some people, though, when someone comes to see, like, Jim Gaffigan, if they don't see Hot Pockets, they get fucking mad. I saw Gaffigan in Toronto a couple years ago, and he did a killer hour, just walks out, does the hour, says thank you, good night, walks off stage, walks right back on and does Hot Pockets. Doesn't ask who wants to hear Hot Pockets, just goes right into it, does the whole 10 minute thing and then says good night and walks off stage.

Well, Bert Kreischer's that way with the machine. Like he has to tell that fucking story. Yeah. Even though people see it, they want to see it live. Yeah. He's trapped. And maybe if I had more stories i could get away with it but i but once you hear the joke you know it's it's over yeah it doesn't doesn't work again

yeah seinfeld still does old old stuff he does really old stuff and he's done two specials of old stuff that he's that like he's already put on specials i went and saw him at the palladium uh about a year or two ago and it was one of the worst shows i've ever seen like i had like a splitting headache and i was like furious really and one of my friends another comic that i respect a lot gave him a standing ovation and i was like are you fucking kidding me and he was like i understand why you feel the way you do but i just love seeing seeing the act. And I was like, I couldn't believe it. And then I saw Seinfeld again at Clusterfest. He was on the big outdoor stage with a bunch of, like, four kids.

Completely different hour and murdered. Like, destroyed. It was like he has, like, corny stuff, depending on what the audience, you know, is. If everyone's sitting there wearing a yarmulke, he's got one act. And if it's a bunch of kids, he's got a cool hip act cool hip act really yeah so you went to the yarmulke crowd yeah interesting what was bad about that it was aggressively corny and just aggressively corny is a funny phrase yeah a good like you like thank you for coming to the show i know you know we're like should we go to the show should we go should we go to the show should we get to be an uber how do we get to the show do we really want to go and i'm like i can't believe he's doing this

right now but people were eating it up like everyone around me was going nuts and loving it uh but it was just like old man corny oh man because you see seinfeld on like a talk show and he's like mean kind of biting, and you're like, oh, this is great. He's hilarious, and I expected more of that. But when I saw him in Clusterfest, I got that. What is Clusterfest? It's the third year this year.

It's a festival in San Francisco. It's a Comedy Central in Coachella put together a thing. It's all comedy? Comedy music. There's some music there, too. Whenever I see see festivals i always assume someone's getting ripped off that's what i think my my impression is all right who's getting the money who's who's getting the money out of this that's how i feel about like montreal but there's the occasional big a festival you're like okay this much for for like one show in toronto like yeah i'm totally in i'm totally so sometimes it's great

and sometimes it's nothing yeah the just for laughs thing my issue with that is i got in when i was a zero like i got in just for laughs when i was uh four years into comedy i think five i was terrible you know i had like a 10 minute set that i could do and it could get some laughs but i became a part of just for laughs like when it was helping me i wasn't helping it but then when i see festivals where i see like a lot of names on a thing and i'm like well who's funding this like sponsored by southwest airlines like what is this like weird corporate mishmash that you put together and who's profiting off of this? Like, it's not the comedians.

Like, I get you put it all together, but then you find out how much the comedians are getting. Like, well, where's the rest of the money going? There's a lot of money in that audience. This is a big place. Yeah. You know, just. Some are better than others, but like, and sometimes they're just like, we're going to take a loss. All the sponsors are going to lose money on this, but we're going to, like that riot fest in la they would do every year it's done now but they did it like

four or five years in a row i don't know they never made money it was a comedy festival in downtown la really yeah see that's how much i i have an aversion to those things i don't even know when they're taking place because i say no to everything i'm like no you're not just priced out of it no it's like people are like oh i don I haven't done a college in years. And it's not like I've got a problem with colleges. It's just like they can't afford me. Well, I stopped doing colleges when they could afford me. Because I would be performing in front of 18-year-olds. I'd be like, this is ridiculous.

There's too many of them that don't have life experience. They're growing minds. And you can make them laugh at some things, but they haven't experienced. What I like, it's like I'm happily married, but if I wasn't, I'd like a chick who's a little bitter. I like an older chick who keeps herself fit, who's experienced a lot in life, who understands. She understands that life is up and down. There's hardships. I'm not interested in anyone who's young and delusional and bubbly.

Yeah. No. chips i'm not interested in anyone who's young and delusional and bubbly yeah no it's not when you go to perform in front of 18 year olds like they have this like this delusional version of what the world should be and social justice and all these ideas about the economy and all these ideas about socialism and all these ideas like i'm exhausted already i can't i can't do this i still think it's fun i think it's fun to watch them just be like holy shit you don't have to do one show you know what i mean it's like like maybe they can leave if they want i i don't feel any pressure i mean casinos more than more than uh colleges but i loved like even if it went bad it was an interesting

bad and you're and you're getting paid so much money that you're like i don't care i don't care how this goes and i've had some go real i used to go to the college and say uh what should i not talk about and then whatever they said i would open with that and it worked every time except colorado school of minds what is that colorado school of minds it's like a um it's a engineering school like a good one yeah school of minds minds yeah it's a famous m-i-n-e or m-i-n-d m-i-n-e oh okay like digging i thought you were saying minds too i was with joe but yeah um and they said do not talk about abortion and i was like okay and i went up and opened with an abortion joke and then died for an hour like they never forgave me i just completely ate shit was it a good abortion joke

i assume i mean i would like to have a bad abortion joke is like if you're gonna tell like have a joke about abortion it better be great you know or you're uh or you're in some real trouble well there are those people that think that when you touch on controversial subjects that there's like a little there's weight to objects right like there's certain things that have more weight to them like if you can get through if you can actually get the bit to work it will have like an artificial amount of momentum connected to it because the fact that it has all this weight. Yeah. It's just, it's more tension. Yeah. But if you can cut that tension,

the laugh is bigger. Yeah, sure. Yeah. But if you can't, Oh no, if you can't, it's over.

Yeah. Yeah. They're just like mad at you for even trying. Yeah. You know, I don't think people get mad really that people make jokes about awful things. They get mad at the idea that people think it's funny.

Yeah. You know, it's not so much you told a cancer joke. It's like, you think cancer is funny. It's like, no, I i don't that's why i'm making a joke about it you know that's like it's that's that's the process but i really think it's like it's hearing an audience laugh at it more than hearing a comic like if a comic tells a cancer joke and it bombs no one really gets mad at them if it's like killing that's when people get upset well

your act is so controversial you have so many subjects and there's so much tongue-in-cheek and there's so much where you're you know you you say mean shit on stage i would imagine that you get people upset at you quite a bit i used to and honestly now it's like i've been like grandfathered in and like it's funny like i used to get people i would tweet a joke and some people would the comments of people getting mad at me and now what happens is I tweet a joke and then my fans start tweeting their own jokes underneath it like tagging them and people get mad at them it's like I'm just like the guy who is allowed to do it people just stopped getting mad at me all of a sudden and well you had a show called the Jessel neck offensive

I mean it's like you've you do you are sort of grandfathered in, but it's also like your style. Yeah. It's like being mad at Slayer for being loud. Mm-hmm. I'm like, what are you? That's what they do. Exactly. What are you talking about?

Yeah. But I like classical music. It's like, so what? Go listen to that. It's a different kind of place. Yeah. Yeah. That is the weird thing about comedy too, right?

It's like when you go to see comedy, you could see all sorts of different styles. Whereas when you go to see music, if you go to a club, it's like a blues club, you expect to see blues. Like you're going there on purpose. You don't, it's not like a blues band followed by a country band followed by a hardcore band. Like it doesn't, but that's what you get when you go to a comedy club. You can get guns and roses followed by barry manilow and you're like what is this place yeah you know like a main room show on

a saturday night you're gonna get virtually every genre of comedy there is i mean i like that i'm glad it's like that because i hate like i when i used to tour and i couldn't bring my own opener you know i would get to town they'd be like oh, Jake has been begging us to open for you. He wanted to open for you so badly for months. So we're letting him open for you. And he does my act for 15 minutes before he brings me on stage. I was like, I hate this.

If you have someone actually do your actual material? Not my material, but like, my mannerisms, short, dark jokes, my attitude, they've just taken it. And they're like, oh, if Anthony sees me, he'll be like, oh jokes you know like that my attitude they've just like taken it and they're like oh if anthony sees me he'll be like oh you're like me come dude then i'm like i don't want to see me you know i don't want to see anyone like me oh ever i don't want to like someone's like oh this guy does really dark one-liners you'd love it i'm like i don't ever want to see it i don't ever want to look at it because that's what i do right you know i like i

want to see goofy silly just like the opposite of me. Yeah. Joey Diaz likes to bring girls on stage. He likes to bring girls in the row with him because he said he wants the audience to see something totally different. And he wants to give the women in the audience that are with their boyfriends that are there to see him. Like, he's like, this is good.

Like, it'll balance it out. I bring a lot of female openers. Mostly just, i want completely different i don't want the same even like i don't want them talking about the same subjects as me yeah you know and then and that's you that usually avoids it uh completely but i don't know i don't know how much i'm doing it for the the girlfriends of the of the guys who come but certainly you know there are people come afterwards and they're like i i liked you better than the headliner it's like it is weird when you start taking someone on the road with you and then

their act starts morphing and becoming like yours like their style starts because they see what what's working and so they start it's like a natural thing like like you saying that you can't watch tell anymore you know especially with someone who's opening for you you got to think they're in the developmental period oh yeah i've had mcs who by the end of the weekend are like that's a great joke and i'm like that's my line like you can't i know it's fun to do but like you can't do it when you're opening for me like you've just been watching me all weekend and now you're copying my manner that's annoying yeah because then you have to think about it oh you have to watch them is there any places where you just don't work anymore like any cities where you're like fuck this place

do you work in Miami in Miami I try not to I'll do a theater in Miami or like close by but I would never do a club down there like Miami's like New Orleans and New Orleans is one of my favorite cities

in the world but like they have shit going on yeah they don't care about your comedy right you know Miami there's just too much else to do and New Orleans

they've got like their music and their food and their alcohol they don't care about comedy like you can you can do a show there but it's not uh it's not that fun it's not that fun yeah but um miami might be the one but i'll do like fort lauderdale you know like places around that yeah florida can be tough miami adjacent yeah florida's tough man yeah it's tough that's a that is the weirdest fucking state in the country for sure yeah i'm trying to think of any other place that i was just like there are clubs i would never go back to what about connecticut connecticut i think i just did somewhere in connecticut and had a great had a great time like they were just like they were like grateful that i was there

some places you go and they're just like grateful that I was there. Some places you go and they're just like, oh, I can't believe you came here. This is awesome. But I went to one club where just like the owner of the club made the green room his office and

would just sit in there and be watching TV and talking to me the entire time. I'm like, surely you're going to leave with 20 minutes before i go on stage and just what just in your face the whole time like that was why he owned the club was to talk to comics and i just like no lost my mind where was this um uh i probably shouldn't say but i will don't say uh what did it sound like um columbus ohio What did it sound like? Columbus, Ohio? I think Hoosiers. Think what?

Hoosiers. Hoosiers. What are they, Indiana? Next door to Columbus. Oh, okay. Okay. You ever been there? I think I did a show there once. Yeah.

Yeah. Coming up, it was like a cool club to go do, and then I finally got there like a year or so ago and I was like you know my friends I was like why does everyone love this club so much

and they're like we couldn't wait to hear what you thought of him we couldn't wait to hear how mad you would get at this guy the weird thing is when a guy owns the club

but then he's also the MC have you ever had that happen? oh the worst the absolute worst I you ever had that happen oh the worst the absolute worst i can't stand that yeah that's not good no yeah is there any places in uh overseas that you really enjoy working yeah i went on a big european tour uh this summer and did uh did like did the standards you know did a couple nights in london a couple nights in London, a couple nights in Edinburgh during the festival. Those were fun.

And then like places off the beaten path that I was like, I want to do Berlin and I want to do Warsaw. And they were like, there's no market. And I'm like, I want to do those. Those are the two most fun shows of the whole tour. And it was like 300 people maybe, but they were just so grateful you were there

and they were awesome. And they understand English. They understand it better than they can speak it, so they laugh at every joke. Nothing goes over their heads. They don't have to change any references.

I really loved the European tour. That's cool, because if you do want a place with like 300 seats, even if it's a primarily German or Polish-speaking country, there's going gonna be enough people that speak english that can come to your show yeah a lot of expats you know and like and they

they all say they got comedy 10 years ago youtube is what did it for them so they all they have these stand-up comedy scenes that are all 10 years old and they're all like they're they're like bad for for people do doing it 10 years old they're still hacky you know they're all like, they're like bad for people doing it at 10 years old. They're still hacky. You know, they're like a generation away from getting good. But I remember in Warsaw, they were like, this is a historic day for Polish comedy. Like, you're the first American comic,

like big American comic to come here and do a show. And now I think Burr's going there, or maybe just went there. But they're getting more and more people. Warsaw. What is Poland like? just went there uh but they're uh they're getting more and more people warsaw what is poland like honestly we like got into the airport saw our luggage was wasn't there went straight to the gig went on stage uh went to the hotel and the next morning flew to budapest like we didn't get to see any of warsaw or do anything there that was one of those cities it was just there was just nothing to do but when i had my old Comedy Central show, the Jesselnik Offensive, someone at Comedy Central

says, listen, we can look at Google and tell you where you're Googled all around the world. America, by far the most, Canada, close second. And then Poland is number three. And I'm like, Poland, why? And they go, they think you're Polish. You look Polish, they assume you're Polish. So I'm like, they assume you're Polish. So I'm like, let's book a show there and have all these people come out. And whoever told me that

fucking lied to me. Like they would, they were like, what? We don't think you're Polish. Like, why would you think you're Polish? Like,

no, we don't give a shit. I don't know who's told you that. But what is Jeselnik? Slovenian. Oh. Yeah. Did you ever go there?

No, never been. Never been. Why don't you do a show there it's kind of I think I thought about it but it was just like routing

you know what I mean it's like do I want to deal with what I have to deal with to get to Slovenia right when I can just go you know from do Australia at all

yeah I just did Australia I did like a I did a few weeks like one week at the very end of the tour what'd you do

I did Brisbane Ad weeks, like one week at the very end of the tour. What'd you do? I did Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne, and Sydney. Melbourne and Sydney is the only places I've done, but it's fucking amazing. They're great. I love those two. Yeah, if the World War III hits and that place doesn't get nuked, that's the spot.

You think so? Yeah, it's on the other side of the planet. Wasn't there a book, though, where that happens and everyone goes to Australia, but there's a cloud of radiation coming that's eventually going to get them fuck maybe we just get a big fan blow that shit to russia i bet that would work look if they could figure out how to nuke an entire country with a few bombs they drop out of airplanes or shoot out of rockets they should be able to build a giant fan.

Build a big fan. Yeah. Why is that so hard? Like, I was reading this shit about space junk. Do you know how much space junk there is? Like, there's stuff floating around in space. Like, thousands of pieces of shit just flying around. Broken satellites and parts.

Is it all just broken satellites? All kinds of shit. Yeah. All kinds of stuff. Stuff from, you know, like when rockets take off and then they eject and they leave little pieces of stuff up in there and and is it like in a ring like a like a saturn type ring or is it just everywhere it's everywhere yeah it's all over the planet it's like it's in the sky like it's in the ocean it's like there's pieces of shit just flying

around above our head and like they have to be cognizant about it if they're going to launch a rocket. Yeah. You could run into it. Space debris and human spacecraft. They all travel at speeds up to 17,500 miles an hour. More than 500,000 pieces of debris or space junk are tracked as they orbit Earth. Think of that. They travel at speeds

up to 17,500 miles an hour, small enough for a relatively small piece of orbital debris to damage a satellite or a spacecraft. Fuck. That's how... What was that movie with Sandra Bullock? Yeah.

Gravity? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that space junk that comes across? Yeah, they're like fixing a satellite and something comes by and like nicks it and the next thing you know, you're fucked. That shit can happen. And they don't know what to do either.

Like to throw a net up there? What are you going to do? I'm thinking like some kind of like magnet satellite that would just attract everything. Right. But then it would probably get too heavy. I think it would probably take out things that you needed still. Yeah. Is this the junk that we can track? Over time. It starts in 57. But then it would probably get too heavy. I think it would probably take out things that you needed still. Yeah.

Is this the junk that we can track? Over time. It starts in 57. There's only two things out there in that. Oh, God. We're gross. We're so gross. I bet the ocean's a similar story.

Wow. Look at all the shit around. The ocean's even worse. Oh, my God. That's incredible. That's all real? I don't know. That's incredible That's all real? I don't know

2015 The entire Low inner Like Near earth orbit Is covered with shit Space debris Satellites and

Nonsense I mean at what point in time I mean we've only been traveling Into space since the 1960s Right? So what When is this gonna end? Like that's

That's not that long ago That's 50 plus years ago What are they gonna do When it's 100 years from now, 500 years from now? Are we going to be able to see the sun? We're going to just look up

and just see space shit floating overhead? It said it was only 500,000 pieces. The Earth's pretty fucking big still. We'd have to get a lot. I guess. I had a snap effect

that said if you dug a hole through the Earth, it would take you 42 minutes to fall through it. It's like, how fucking big is that? That's a long drop. Yeah, it's a long fall. Then I was thinking, would you stop in the middle?

You'd die. You'd get cooked. I know, but in theory. But if you didn't, yeah. If it was just a tube, a zero temperature or neutral temperature tube. I wonder how accurate Snapple facts really have to be. Has anyone ever called bullshit on a Snapple fact? I don't drink that shit, so I don't read those things.

I didn't even know they had Snapple facts until you just said that. What? I didn't. They used to have little things on the caps. You say it, it makes sense to me, but I don't think I've ever read one of them. I used to always read them. Really? Yeah.

I can't remember any of them. Did you ever get angry at a Snapple fact no I have gotten mad at like a Bazooka Joe comic it's like this fucking are you kidding me yeah

this is bullshit they phone it in sometimes yeah big time well comics in general I think some like there's great comics

there's really funny comics but then there's comic strips that have existed forever and they're fucking terrible. And for some reason or another, they just still exist. Oh, yeah. Do they anymore, though? Is there still a second?

I haven't read a newspaper, like a physical print newspaper. I think it's smaller and smaller than it ever has been before. But they're still cranking out Garfield. Garfield's still a thing? Yeah. And the guy, Jim Davis, created Garfield? It has nothing to do with it he's like golfing and like collecting money and and he's got ghostwriters so it's just like the worst shit ever oh wow so he hires people to do it and he makes all the money he's probably worth a billion dollars oh i guarantee the merchandise those fucking things you stick on your car alone remember those were

everywhere yeah that like yeah it's all so I think the Calvin and Hobbes guy would never let them

make toys of Calvin and Hobbes he sold the books yeah he didn't want that money Calvin and Hobbes he didn't want he didn't want his

creation being like he didn't want to be like Jim Davis you know that's why I think the best like the best comic ever uh gotta be gary larson's the far side those things fucking hold up did you ever read those back in the day he retired a long time ago that's still great

right and then who did dunesbury that's like the political one right trudeau is that his name maybe yeah what the fuck who the fuck was is it trudeau what's his first name gary trudeau isn't that what's the name the guy who runs canada justin justin that guy yeah i never got dunesbury i never like it was like too clever i was like okay they're like i guess they're taking down Ronald Reagan or something, but I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Doonesbury is weird too because they basically, they pigeonholed Hunter S. Thompson and turned him into this. They had a character that they were doing. I think he wound up suing them. Yeah, there's his character.

It's basically the exact same guy, just slightly different. And he was always like shooting off guns and doing a bunch of crazy shit. I forget his name. I forget the name of the guy. They gave him a different name, like Uncle something or another. Yeah. But that was their, I mean, that was Gary Trudeau's take on Hunter S. Thompson. And it wound up driving Hunter S. Thompson nuts.

Is this still real he's still doing like he's doing trump this that's 2017 wow no kidding wow yeah but he um so he created this character that was basically the most exaggerated versions of hunter s thompson when hunter s thompson was fucking around and it sort of defined S. Thompson when Hunter S. Thompson was fucking around. And it sort of defined who Hunter S. Thompson was to a lot of people. Because instead of being this brilliant journalist who, you know, this great writer, he also became this kind of like guy who just shoots guns and is always drunk.

Yeah. And then you fall into that trap. I think comedians that have a persona, like oftentimes fall, like, you know, Dice, that's not, you know, his real name is Andrew Silverstein. And the Dice character was a part of his act. He had a bunch of different things. He would do impressions. He would do a Travolta impression.

Yeah. Yeah. Phenomenal. Yeah. Phenomenal Travolta impression. And then the Dice man became like a part of his act, and then he just decided that's the best part, so I'm just going to do Dice all the time.

And then he decided, you know what? Fuck living like a regular person. It's going to be Dice all the time. So he became the guy in his act. I mean, that's who he is like most of the time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Kinison.

Kinison, not a similar situation. I never met Kinison. Kinison had a similar similar situation. I never met Kinison. Kinison I mean he died well before I got into stand up but I've never met Dice and I've always like sang his praises

like I think The Day the Laughter Died is one of the greatest comedy albums of all time and I've just never met him. He's great. Yeah. I'll introduce you next time

I see him at the store if you're there. I've heard great stories. He must like he must know who I am. Oh for sure aware yeah yeah i once did governor what if he wasn't will you be mad i wouldn't be mad i would be surprised just because i've spoken about him publicly that like if he was if he was wondering why he sold like a thousand copies of the day the laughter died after i like talked about it on a podcast like he would hear that yeah someone

says something nice about you, you find out. But I was at Governor's once and they were like all proud. They were like, Dice was here last weekend and he left one of his gloves, you know, the fingerless gloves. And I was just like,

give it to me. Like, what do I have to do to take this glove home? But I still have it. I like wear it around, wear it around sometimes. It's fun.

Do you wear it, write jokes with it? Oh, I'll like, I'll walk around like just doing, doing a little doing a little ohs but it's uh cigarettes like this yeah but uh but yeah love love dice but those characters when guys get lumped into a character when you get locked into that it can be very self-defining you know of course for kinnison i think it was very self-defined oh big time i mean i thought about that when i was like creating my persona it was like what's gonna age well you know like not like i think of a guy like nick swartz you know who's just like party all the time like like he's a college kid forever right it's like that how long can you do that for you know

i mean it's like still kind of has to do it and it's still great but i'm like are you enjoying this you know like i want to be able to like kind of hold on to my dignity you know the best version of it emo phillips yes that's the best example because it's like wow like because when he was a young sort of cute guy it was kind of strange to watch him do comedy like this when you're 60 though and you're doing that people are like hey man this is just weird yeah like bobcat talked about that like that bobcat had this moment where he stopped being bobcat and people like hey man how can we not do the scream he's like fuck you i'm not doing it He told me the best story ever. He said he's at a Comedy Works in Denver doing a weekend. And he's eating shit every show. And every show he's just bombing and everyone's going, do the voice.

Do the voice. And he's like, no, I don't do the voice anymore. I'm not doing the voice. Late show Saturday, someone in the back yells, we're from Aurora. Do the voice for us. And he goes, oh, you're from Aurora? At least you learned to sit in the back. And he said, and this is like a year after the shooting.

The shooting. Yes. A year after that. And he said the entire audience, the entire audience, just pretended he didn't say it. They didn't boo. They didn't laugh. They just acted like nothing had happened and he did the rest of the show and he said he made the whole weekend worth it for him

just to say that just to say that yeah dude i was speaking of which i was watching a video today you know how youtube for whatever reason just starts recommending things and you click on it watching a video today on oh this is what it was i was looking at bulletproof clothing for whatever reason because i was like i saw an ad on instagram where this guy had a bulletproof hoodie on and it looked like a regular hoodie and he shot himself is it like a john wick situation where it's like yes it's like it's like sewn in in between the fabric yeah yeah so this guy had a regular hoodie and he shot himself in the gut with a nine millimeter just bang while while he was playing this video with like a regular hoodie i was like this is crazy and this hoodie it looked like a regular hoodie it was but it's

some sort of kevlar or something so then it recommends this next thing and this next video that I watch is on whether or not you should carry with a bullet in the chamber so it's this guy who's just speculating like that there's two kinds of people there's kind of people that thinks they're gonna have enough time to rack a bullet and there's a bunch of people that realize that when something happens it's like being in a car accident. It happens quickly, and you've got to be prepared. You're not going to have enough time to rack a bullet. And so there was this long discussion as to whether or not you should have a bullet in the chamber or not when you conceal carry.

And he was talking about how this guy was open carrying, but he that the guys the hammer was shut down on the pistol which means he was going to have to cock it because it was a uh not a revolver but uh you know whatever an automatic semi what is it when what is it when you call what do you call one of those when you have to load it like that like a nine millimeter glock what is the difference well one's a revolver revolver revolves so it's not a revolver. It's just a pistol. Anyway, he was saying because of the way the hammer was, he could tell that this guy, you know, he was going to have to pull that hammer back.

He was going to use that gun. And I was like, this is like next level thinking. Like these people, everywhere you go, someone's worrying about shooting you. And then I go on to to twitter almost like this is synchronicity and eric weinstein was a friend of mine says is this the the year where the debate is some something in terms of uh is it appropriate to bring a loaded gun into a place where you worship now to protect yourself.

Because there's been so many attacks on people in synagogues and churches and mosques. And I'm like, fuck, man. Probably. What is happening here? I mean, it's bad. I'm not a gun guy. There's two more today. What do you mean? There's two more attacks today. At syn mean? There's two more attacks today.

At synagogues? One was in a church. What were the ones that happened today? There was two smaller ones. There was the church that was in San Diego this weekend. No, the synagogue in San Diego this weekend. But there was another one. Like this morning when I was reading the news.

Los Angeles. Yes. What was it? Former 26-year-old U.S. Army soldier served in Afghanistan has been charged with plotting terror attacks in Los Angeles area. Rally in Long Beach. So it's on the front page of CNN. You got some sounds leaking through that.

Yes, the video. Did he do something or did he just got caught plotting? It says he was accused of targeting Jews as they walked to a synagogue police officers a military facility and crowds at the santa monica pier i think there was another one too there was another one somewhere else might have been outside the country today it's like fuck like this shit is ramping up yeah it's getting worse and worse are you a gun guy i have guns i wouldn worse. Are you a gun guy? I have guns. I wouldn't say I'm a gun guy, but I have them. Hunting or just a case?

I have hunting guns and I have safety guns, like security guns or personal protection guns. But I hunt with a bow and arrow, mostly. Of course. I'm not opposed to... Why do you say of course? Being sarcastic. I'm not opposed to it. What is this?

California synagogue attack, latest. San Diego, yesterday. Oh, this is the... They found a social media message, I guess, right before it happened. Of course. Jesus Christ. That's the one you're talking about. No, I don't know.

I think there was another one that I saw. I believe it was in another country. That all right it's enough there's so many i know i know you're just numb to it well also that they're targeting places of worship now like what the fuck man do you have guns no would you ever own one? They make me uncomfortable. I'm not against... People want to have guns, okay. It's not on a hill I'm going to die on. But I think what's happening with schools and churches is reprehensible.

And we are the only country where this really happens. Not anymore. It's happening around the world, but it's a lot. It happens much more often here. Yeah. Yeah. Now, there's certainly an argument for that. The real problem is the guns are already there.

It's like, what do you do when you live in a country of 300 plus million people with 300 plus million guns? How do you ever eradicate that? How do you ever, how do you shift the path that we seem to be on like what do you do i mean everything is like you know people talk about this and then like you know how do we do what what is it the culture is it is it this and you turn on the tv and it's like a video game commercial or a commercial for a movie and it's just a supermodel spinning around in circles shooting everything she sees you know like you don't think

this is having an effect right like they just make it look so cool that if you want to be the hero you got to have a gun you know how about john wick john wick three come on it's my fucking favorite thing ever and i'm like this is the most glorifying gun shit ever but i love it like i love it right it is a problem i mean it hasn't made me turn to guns you know i mean i wouldn't say that video games make this. Video games are making people more violent. I don't believe that. I don't know if there's evidence to back that.

But I mean, I've always loved James Bond movies. Things like where guns are a big part of it. And it's never made me want to pick one up. Well, there's a real argument that that alleviates some of the need for violence that people like seeing it and in seeing it and something like john wick it actually relaxes people there's a real argument for that and there's a real argument that you can make with that with video games too but that is not with everybody the problem is certain people are very susceptible to influence they're susceptible they're vulnerable to being influenced or excited in one particular direction.

Whether it's excited to become radicalized and become a white nationalist and want to shoot up, you know, whatever, figure out whatever the group is. Or whether it's, you know, there's certain people that, you know, they'll see something in a movie or a video game it'll make them want to act that out but they're usually mentally ill i mean that's that's the real problem the real problem is mental illness that the type of person that could go into a synagogue and just start shooting people that's a mentally ill person that's yeah regardless of whether or not they have a gun or not that's a sick person so we have to figure out like what's causing this massive amount of mental illness in this country because that's a big it's that's the guy in aurora is a perfect example that guy was they knew he was sick they knew there was something really i mean if you see

photos of that fucking guy look at his eyes he was completely batshit crazy i think it's something too like when they when they now they've started to refuse to show the guy's face you know they won't show it because like this guy's getting glory now and the next shooter wants to top that right but i think they're getting a little bit smarter about it but what's what's the quote uh no man chooses evil because it's evil they only mistake it for happiness like i believe that yeah that's a good quote yeah they mistake it for happiness or they want other people to feel what they feel they want other people to suffer the way they're suffering yeah with i mean when you ever have a giant country filled with people you're going to have

a broad spectrum of people's experiences and so you're going to have a broad spectrum of people's experiences. And so you're going to have a certain number of people that are on the low end of experiences. The worst experiences all the time. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, violence, mental illness, pills, drugs, this, that. Boom. But like Japan is one of the most unhappy countries in the world. The suicide rate is off the charts. But they take themselves out. In America, it's like, who can i take with me yeah i don't know what that

what that is well japan emphasizes humility and uh they reward it like if they emphasize being polite and orderly it's really interesting um there was a uh this piece i was watching on youtube of these people that live in cyber cafes that they have cyber cafes that are open 24 hours a day in japan and they have like these little cubicles that you take in there and they're just online on their computer and they have all their things there and that's where they live and they shower and they go back to their little cubicle but this woman was saying that it made her feel like she wasn't alone but she wasn't with people either like she likes that that like she wants to know that there's people around her but she doesn't want anybody in her life this is dark yeah yeah that's super fucking dark sad just the loneliness

like that that's a giant issue apparently in Japan is how lonely people are, which is incredibly ironic when you consider that it's probably one of the most population-dense places on earth, in Tokyo at least. Oh, yeah. I think they're just working their asses off. I mean, they fucking love to jump in front of trains. They live for it. Like it really is like of countries, it's the least happy country in the world.

Wow. I think number, like the happiest is like somewhere in Scandinavia. Norway. Yeah. Sweden or some shit. Yeah. Yeah. Finland.

I think Finland like ranks very highly on that. Yeah. Why is that? The thing I was watching said it was like a sense of community. I think the Czechs are. A lot of them live together and like they eat their meals together as like a neighborhood almost and they just like everyone contributes and they're just happy and content that makes sense the numbers are smaller too i think that that helps also it's gorgeous up there that helps too there's a lot of factors

there right yeah like what's a big city in finland Helsinki? How many people is that? 50? How many people live in Helsinki? 50. 50 people? I bet 50. Yeah. I bet you're right. I bet Helsinki has 1.2 million people. How many people Helsinki have?

That's a wild guess. I don't know why I had to put the.2 in there. I'm hedging my bet. If I was on the Price is Right. This thing says it's the biggest, but the thing I pulled up doesn't say. The second largest says $279,000. This doesn't say what Helsinki does for some reason. Well, it doesn't. You can't. It doesn't.

If you Google population of Helsinki. This is the very first thing I had, which was the biggest cities in Finland. I figured it would have had it. It says it's $558,000. $558,000? Yeah. That ain't shit. Wow. That's it. That's why they're happy. It's basically like four boulders. Four boulder Colorados

And it's a whole country Yeah Yeah You go to Boulder Some of the nicest people ever Why? 100,000 of them That's it

Hard to build there Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Gorgeous Great people Little on the socialist side But I get it

Little too many Birkenstocks And Tevas And Girls can use a little bit more makeup Put a little makeup on gals Tally it up a little too many birkenstocks and tevas and girls could use a little bit more makeup put a little makeup on gals it's all it up a little it's not pronounced tiva i always thought it was maybe it is tivas i don't know i've even heard the word weird leather sandals and shit but it's a cool place man but i think you know that's what you get if you live around nature you get a bunch of fit people that like hiking and shit a lot of north face jackets you know they got great weather yeah yeah they really do they have blizzards and snow storms

and shit but they also have like you'll it'll be 30 degrees in denver or boulder and then the next day it'll be 60 yeah it doesn't make any sense would you say denver is the best comedy town in the country it's up? It's up there. It's up there. I fucking love it there. Me too. I'm going there in August. I'm doing that place again.

I fucking love it. Yeah. It's one of my favorite places on the planet, period. Like if I was going to leave LA, Denver is one of the spots that I would pick. I think about like when I eventually leave, where would I go in Denver? Denver is at the top of the list. I used to want to go to like Seattle or Portland

and then I read that article that terrifying article about how like earthquakes not just everyone talks about the big one earthquake in LA they're like

what's really gonna fuck shit up is the tsunami that's gonna happen on that fault line they're like Portland and Seattle are gonna be gone with that tsunami

100% right 100% yeah it's just whether it's 100 years from now or two mm-hmm Jesus Portland and Seattle are going to be gone with that tsunami. A hundred percent, right? A hundred percent. Yeah. It's just whether it's a hundred years from now or two. Jesus. Imagine if we wake up one day and Seattle's gone. 13 million people dead. It goes deep into Washington state, all the way to Tacoma.

The ocean goes to Tacoma. Oh, there was an article where they like talked about like how it would happen. Like what would happen like minute by minute in Portland with this going on. It was just terrifying. Yeah, fuck that. Too risky. Also, seasonal depression is real. Oh, for sure.

I have a buddy of mine who moved to Portland and started a jiu-jitsu school out there. And I was like, do you like it? He was like, dude, I fucking love it. I go, you don't miss LA at all? He was like, no. I go, what about the rain? Does it bother you? He was like, no, no, it's nothing. Two years later dude, I fucking love it. I go, you don't miss LA at all? He was like, no. I go, what about the rain? Is it bothering you? He's like, no, no, it's nothing.

Two years later, he's back in LA. I go, what happened? He goes, the fucking weather. I go, you liar. I go, you were trying to convince me. You were trying to tell me. And he started laughing. He's like, I'm just convincing myself.

Yeah. But he bought into it. He goes, I go, what happened? He goes, I came back one time when it was rainy out there and it wasn't rainy here. And I was like, what am I doing? I'm less happy there.

It makes you less happy. If it's raining all the time, it makes you less happy. Oh, yeah. If you live in LA and it rains, we're all happy. Like, oh, this is cool. It's raining out. Oh, vitamin D is important. It's not just vitamin D either.

It's like a feeling you get. Like you're going to be cold and wet. You're going to be cold and wet and you're going to bundle up and get inside quickly. Get inside. You can't just be free. You can't be outside sitting in the grass,

eating lunch, just looking out and just relaxing. Yeah. I like my hammock. Yeah. Fuck that place. And then fuck places that have like too much snow too. Like all the people that want to move back to New York, i'm like you can keep that good luck with that yeah that new

york the summer and the winters would kill me in new york like being waiting for the subway when you're just like dripping sweat was just brutal dripping sweat with moist piss smell everywhere that moisture but that's carrying those piss odor molecules in the subway like what in the fuck are you people breathing in down here and i never got the rubber boots you know what i mean i was always just like had sneakers i'm like trying to get trying to get the fallon at like seven in the morning walking to the subway through the slush it was like it'd be beautiful while it was snowing and then as soon as on the you were just like, get rid of this shit now. Did you write for Fallon?

Uh-huh. What was that gig like? I mean, it was frustrating. They didn't like, because I started when he started Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. So I was one of the first guys there. And they didn't like any of my jokes. Like, it was just, it was impossible. Too mean or just like, this is make jimmy unlikable like it wasn't about being funny so much as like coming off as smart and uh

and friendly you know and likable that they i was there for a year and then they barely used anything i ever did wow but they knew i was funny they liked me and i thought for some reason in my head i thought that if i quit before a year that it'll like follow me people be like what happened with fallon why were you only there a year that like and then when i left it was like no one would have given a shit if i'd left after 10 weeks you know wouldn't have mattered at all yeah it was it was good an interesting experience but i did not enjoy it being a writer for other people's voices has got to be very difficult. I mean, for me, it's impossible.

It's like I write in my voice and you either like it or you don't. Like I've written for Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, and if I loved a joke, they loved it too. But with Fallon, it was not the case. You know, it was almost never.

He would laugh at the joke, but he'd be like, I can't say this. I can't do it. What are they trying to do? Like, what is he trying to do? He but he'd be like, I can't say this. I can't do it. What are they trying to do? What is he trying to do? He's trying to be like middle America.

There's a market for that, right? Is that what it is? He just wants everyone to love him. He just wants everyone to love him. That's not a bad trait to have in a late night host. Right. Probably the best trait to have in a late night host. I'd like to see him drunk one day just shitting on everybody though.

I think it would be hilarious. It is hilarious. Does it do that? Oh yeah. I've heard that he quit drinking. I don't know if that's true. But he would like, he liked to get drunk in like shitty bars and like hang out with the staff and the crew. Like he was, he's like a man of the people people and he didn't just want to go home and drink he wanted to go out and go to some weird bar that was like in a subway that no one knew about and have beers like he was a he was like

a fun drunk you know but he did a lot yeah there was always those rumors that he's got a problem Jimmy Fallon's got a problem yeah yeah do you think that's like the pressure of just being this like super friendly sweet guy on tv wanting everybody to love you that you're like oh my god get me a fucking drink so i can cut loose i'm i think that could be part of it you know that's why i was i always thought like with my persona like let's be the meanest person you can so you it you can it allows you to be nice off stage. You know, you got, you kind of, it gives you a little bit of distance, but the guys who come off as like your best friend on stage tend to be monsters off stage.

Some of them, man. Yeah. Yeah. I got another story. I'll tell you when we get off the air about one of those. Great. Um, well, let's wrap this fucking thing up, man. Um, your special

it's out tonight at midnight yeah what's it called Fire in the Maternity Ward and you have Jesus yeah once you think

of that title you gotta go with it every now and then when someone says a title of a special and you have to whoa that was one of those

so you got me you have several though so what are the other ones that are available on Netflix now Thoughts and Prayers on netflix fire in the maternity ward comes out tonight i've got a podcast on uh comedy central called the jeselnik and rosenthal vanity project oh that's right yeah who is it with my friend greg rosenthal is an nfl analyst we've been best friends since college so we just kind of like we're supposed to talk about sports

but we just fuck around like we never cool talk about sports yeah it's fun beautiful alright well good luck good luck with the special

thanks for doing this man appreciate you great to finally be here yeah for sure and I can't recommend his comedy enough for real if you're a fan

of stand up comedy Anthony Jeselnik is the shit so thank you sir thank you John bye everybody Jesselnuk is the shit. So thank you, sir. Thank you, John. Bye, everybody.