The Joe Rogan Experience - #129 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: August 11, 2011

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

The inevitable slide continues as I hit 44 today. The slide to death? Yes. The slide towards the great beyond. It will not stop. It waits for no man. 44? Which one is it?

44. That's what I just turned. Is that a special year when no it was uh just keeps going keeps sliding i always say that i keep my eye on sylvester stallone he's my canary in a coal mine as long as as long as that guy still alive like how much roid can you do and be like 60 that's incredible you'd figure a line for expendables too you know what he's like he's like an old fucking car. You could take an old 55 Chevelle or a 55 Buick, rather, and just put some ridiculous rocket engine in it.

And, you know, see how long that suspension lasts. Brand new parts all over. Constant brand new parts. But how long before he blows that frame out? How long before that frame just bends and falls off. He must have the best scientists in the world just constantly jabbing him with needles. Just constantly checking his blood.

As he's eating breakfast, somebody comes and sticks him. Somebody else comes and draws some. Checks his blood, checks his urine. They examine him, and then they hit him with some more roids. Make sure you eat a grapefruit and shoot it up. Yeah, give him some of that shit from the Planet of the Apes. Give him that new shit. Dude, he's my canary to call on.

So as long as I'm 44 and he's like 65 or something like that now, I think he's 65, still doing action movies. Have you seen that movie, that Planet of the Apes movie? Yeah, we talked about it last podcast. Doug Stadhop is my canary. He's your canary? Yeah, because he drinks and smokes. He does everything. Doug Canary is going canary. He's your man? Yeah, because he drinks and smokes. He does everything.

Doug Canary is going to die. He lived the same way. He got in a lot of trouble recently, I guess. What happened? Doug Stanhope got in trouble for something? Yeah, again. Oh, go on. He was on, I believe, BBC Radio, and the host of the radio show just mentioned one of his jokes. Yes.

And what is the disease? Down syndrome. Down syndrome. this is what he said he said uh sarah this is stanhope's joke sarah palin has two retarded kids one of them has down syndrome the other one signed up for the military uh-huh it's a fucking good job yeah yeah so what did they say on d America? And DJ just mentioned that joke. Yeah, he said, well, this is the deal. He's on BBC Radio, which I've done before. And they're very polite. And you don't go into depth about anything.

There's no flavor to it at all. Yeah. BBC Radio is like the most bland, flavorless, emotionless. It's like PBS. PBS with emotionless. It's like PBS. PBS with an accent. It's like PBS if it was tired. Yeah. You know, PBS if it got neutered, if they had no sex.

Oh, it's fucking terrible. Wow. Terrible radio. But Stanhope did it, and he's talking to this, you know, they can't get in depth about it. So he's forced to have sort of a polite conversation. But he doesn't want to give the people the wrong impression that this is going to be like what they come to see. When people don't know what kind of comedy you do, and Stanhope is remarkably offensive,

especially if you're just some regular fucking square out there living in the world, especially in England. You're not used to this Arizona trash that is Doug Stanhope. So they wanted to let the people know, just in case you don't believe us that is Doug Stanhope. So they wanted to let the people know, just in case you don't believe us that Mr. Stanhope has a very offensive stand-up comedy actor, just Google his bit on Sarah Palin.

That's all this guy said. They didn't even say the retarded bit? No, he said see the bit on YouTube. Yeah, I think he said YouTube. And they got in trouble for that? Yes, he got in trouble for that. Why would they even go on that show? Well, what he's saying is,

what the people are saying is that what this guy did in referencing that is like sort of like... What does that mean? Yeah, it's like you... Condone it? Condone it, yeah. It's like condoning it by telling people about it at all. You're advertising it, sort of. Which I can see what they were saying, but so fucking what?

They're condoning it on the level of this does represent offensive material. He's telling you that it's offensive. And if you don't believe him, watch his bit. So if you don't believe him, you know, and you watch the bit and you get offended and then you get mad, you're a fucking moron. That's one of the dumbest fucking things I've ever heard in my life. Because you're saying, I'm not taking your word for it. And then going there, I'm like, what? I should have taken your word for it? How dare you?

It's outrageous that anyone could possibly complain. This guy is interviewing a comic, okay? And in the interview, the comic stays within the lines of whatever, you know, parameters of behavior they find acceptable. He doesn't go out of those lines at all. He just had a polite conversation.

But they wanted to let people know. So he said, if you don't believe us watch this bit and then people were going fucking crazy and they're calling for this guy's head it's incredible how what is going on why is everybody becoming such a bunch of cunts and pussies because it feels like more than ever a lot of them just can so they do is that that is it right yeah is it frustration in their own lives and they find something where they can score on something where they can fucking tee off on and they just go after it?

Sometimes it really is. I didn't want to hear that and it's fucking annoying. I don't want to say fucking annoying, but if it's too in their face. But I think usually it's just like, wait, is that? Yes, you shouldn't be promoting that in any way. And people just go overboard.

I don't even want to exist in the world. They get mad whenever anyone references it. They're trying to kill it. Yeah, it's that, too, but it's a self-righteous indignation. It's just so fake. Yeah. There's so many people that are looking for a moment to be angry. To shit on other people for something.

Yeah, yeah. That you're not Christian enough. Yeah, you're not anything enough. Whatever the fuck it is. And that's all it is. It's just a religious thing. That's all that's left. Why the fuck is it so hard for people to leave other people alone?

It's like he's telling you it's offensive stuff yeah all right if you're if you're into jesus or whatever just don't watch it why is it so hard for cunts to watch it even if they watch it and they get upset like oh god he said that that guy's an asshole never go see him live why do they get so upset they attack the dj for mentioning it i don't know i mean you gotta be a real you gotta be a fucking mess that's you're gonna you're gonna use your time for that like really that's ridiculous who the fuck does that housewives i don't know what it is i don't know i don't know who the fuck does it remember that lady that patricia neal was fighting with on uh msnbc or fox news yes yeah like that type of woman she

represents the people who complain yeah what, what the fuck, man? It's just like, you don't even really understand what's even been said. I was talking to this woman, and she told me in the middle of the conversation about some letter that she wrote to some something. I forget if it was a show or a product. But she was going off about how, so I wrote them a letter telling them that I didn't find that. I go, really? You wrote them a letter telling them that I didn't find that. I go, really? You wrote them a letter? Like really?

All of a sudden – The only reason to write a letter to a company is for the back-to-school reason when – I mean summer school reason with Mark Harmon when you get free shades and things like that. Yes. You're writing a letter. I remember hearing that. All you have to do is complain. I got some bunk Gillette razors. What's up?

I think your razors rule, but this is bullshit. I used to do that all the time. And it works? I used to do that. Yeah, mostly restaurants were the best because I would go to a restaurant, and even if it was just mediocre, instead of just writing a review, I would just send a letter to Applebee's. Like, dude, I went to Applebee's. The waiter was like, I mean, 20 minutes for a soup, really? They'll send you a gift certificate back for $50.

And I'm like, ah, ding. Have you ever seen anybody in person trying to run that scam in a restaurant? What? Complain? The fake complaint scam? Yeah. I've seen real complaints from Jewish delis, but they're just really complaining about everything. Well, there's people that complain, like, this soup's cold, or this corned beef is rough.

That's all legit. I mean, I had to send a pastrami Reuben back once at Jerry's Famous Deli. It turns out they cut it the wrong way. Oh, really? It wasn't bad, but if you cut it one way, it's real rough. It doesn't bite right. Yeah, yeah. But if you cut it another way, it breaks up, which is incredible when you think about it. It doesn't bite right.

It doesn't. It doesn't. Brisket's the same way. You've got to cut it with the grain or it gets – I forget which one it is. Can't you just move your hands like to the left? No, you would think so. But what it is is when you cut it with the tendon, like along the grain of the tendon, which is apparently the wrong way, then it's like chewing these tendons. Tendon is the wrong word.

Muscle fibers. But if you cut it against it, I guess then it comes out. My dad showed me a taste test once on a brisket. He showed me, and he was like, look, if I cut it wrong, you gave me each. I was like, ugh. It just bites wrong. Wow. That's what it is.

Yeah. Fuck, I was going to say something. So you sent that back. You complained. That was the only time you complained. That was the only thing ever. Yeah, the people that complain ever are idiots. It was much more important.

Oh, no, this is what it is. I watched this happen in a restaurant. I was at Spago, which is an excellent restaurant. Spago in Maui, in Hawaii. It's really expensive. It's the Four Seasons. And it's a five-star restaurant. I mean, it's jamming. The food there is intense. It's really expensive. It's the Four Seasons. And it's a five-star restaurant. I mean, it's jamming. The food there is intense.

It's really good. It's Wolfgang Puck, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You eat there. They have this miso cod. You eat it. You're like, God damn! This is fucking delicious. They're experts. They're expert chefs. So it's a high-end place.

So there's a lot of rich people there dining. You know, you look around. And, you know, I'm on vacation. I'm like, how much money did this guy steal? Who's this corporate criminal? You know, it's that kind of shit. And at this restaurant, the people behind us, there was this English couple. And they were totally working a scam.

It was so obvious. One of them, the guy was like, you know, he kept saying, like, you guys, you've got to get your shit together here. He goes, I've come here. I've come here. I wanted to get the pork chops. You tell me you're out of the pork chops. But the pork chops are your special. Like, mate, how are you running out of this?

I mean, this is shoddy, shoddy stuff. And the guy's like, well, I apologize, sir. But, you know, hopefully you can find another choice. You know, and so he says, you know know our food didn't come at the same time like hers was over you know he said it was like 10 minutes later was it gordon ramsey no no just some dick and he was asking them to take money off like surely you can't expect us to be paying for this and he started talking about the rice and he goes he goes you bought over rice her rice was so hot almost burnt her mouth i mean mate, mate, what is this? He was just in a pissy pants mood.

They sent something back. We send it back because it's cold. You bring it back, it's too hot. Like, come on, man. Get your shit together, mate. He goes, this is intolerable. He goes, you've got to do something to fix this. Recompense us.

Yeah, whatever the word is. To do something to make things right. I was like, wow. To compensate us. You're going to compensate me for this? It was ridiculous, and they kept going. The manager, it was a clumsy one. They were being way too obvious about it,

and what they were complaining about was way too little. Also, it's like if they don't have the special, it's like, well, then you should get up and leave immediately. It's not like you were halfway through the meal, then it got bad. You're complaining from the start. Well, they complained about a few different things. It's not like you were halfway through the meal, then it got bad. You're complaining from the start. Well, he was complaining. They complained about a few different things.

It took me a while to tune into them. There was like a certain like certain cunty noise from behind me. So it took me a while to tune into it. And then once I tuned into it, then we actually watched them try to scam these waiters. And then, you know, the waiter had to bring over a manager. And the waiter clearly said to the manager that these people were scamming. Because as the manager came back, he was like a stone-faced killer. He's like, how can I help you?

What's going on here? And the guy runs his shit. He goes, sir, we're out of the pork chops. Any other questions? What can I help you with? He just kept them. Like, sir, I'm confused here. Is why you would think that we would compensate you for this, sir?

Like, why would you? Your meal was insatisfactory. This is an excellent restaurant. I don't know what you're saying. He just like shut the guy down and but it was ugly man it lasted for like 15 minutes and it required everybody to pay attention to it because it was you know when you're in a restaurant and all of a sudden some shit goes wrong at some table and you hear people raise their voices like you have to pay attention at least part of it because someone might pull out a fucking gun or somebody might punch somebody or it commands your attention yeah it commands your attention but your your warning signals go

off at least mine do when i see people arguing i always say okay what is what's going on here how much do i have to pay attention to this what is the threat level i'm assessing here you know when people are in the middle of uh you know fucking yelling each other so i had to i had to pay attention to these scumbags but it was weird weird. It's weird seeing people run scams. It's one thing to be a kid in Ohio trying to get fucking free lollipops or whatever you want. But to be a grown man in his 40s

with a woman who is clearly in on it and they're trying to work this shit. I feel bad. Joey Diaz, when he was younger, he robbed banks and mugged fags. I feel bad about my past, but it's not as bad when i used to do this scam when i was like 18 17 i would go to these diners just to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and i had no money and so what i would do is once in a while i had

chest hair when i was in high school once in a while i would uh just be like oh who wants free meals and i'll just poke it and go do you guys want some you know and i'll give it to my friends and you know did you really do that yes how then I would give it to my friends. Did you really do that? Yes. How many times did you do it? Probably like four or five times. Four or five times at the same place? Yeah, TJ's on High Street. There's a dude that I know that actually brings clipped nails

clippings to restaurants and drops them in soups and food and claim that people put that in there. And he'll complain about it and he does it on purpose. And he'll complain about it. And he does it on purpose. So he eats most of it. And he gets paid well, this guy. Oh, they pay him? No, no, no. This guy is not a broke

guy. He's not a poor guy running a scam. But he brings a little plastic bag, a little Ziploc bag of nail clippings. Me and my friend Shane once went to Arby's and you know those fountain drinks? They have these little black nozzles. And if you've worked in a restaurant, it's like what you usually take out to clean every night and you put it in and twist it anyways we got a drink and that black nozzle fell into his glass and so we went to we

went home and this is like when i first got a video camera and he opened it up and he was like what is this thing after he's drank half of it so what's this thing and he pulls it out and it's the black nozzle and inside of it is just mold and the most disgusting shit ever. So we filmed it, and we went to Arby's, and he's just bitching at the manager. And we filmed the whole thing, and he's like, no, I want some free shit. And he turned it into, I want some free Arby's. No, you're going to pay me. You're not going to bring it up.

I'll bring it up. And the funny thing is, she wouldn't give him anything. Really? Anything. Oh, that was the internet days. You would have killed him. Yeah, in the internet days. In the video, she's like, I don't care.

She's like, here, I'll give you a dollar back for your drink and gives a dollar back to the drink. And he's like, are you kidding me? We could send this to the fucking news. And she goes, I don't care. She called your bluff. I know. And I have that video somewhere. And she was right.

She called your bluff. You didn't do somewhere. She was right. She called your bluff. You didn't do crap. She's long dead if she works at Arby's. If you look at that video, you'll be disgusted. If it was the internet days, I sent that picture of just that nozzle to Arby's. You've got to find that video. It's amazing that restaurants are as clean as they are when you think about it. All those fucking lazy people working.

You know how they have cleaning on people who work at restaurants? They're not. You ever see Kitchen Nightmares? One of the best TV shows ever from Gordon Ramsay. I think they're not. Yeah, you know how they have cleaning on people who work at restaurants? They're not. You ever see Kitchen Nightmares with one of the best TV shows ever from Gordon Ramsay, but I think they canceled it. They have the U.K. version and the American version. The U.K. version or the American version. Or the crappy restaurants.

Yeah, down there. Yeah, they go to places where they're just a wreck. Yeah, but what sucks is there's a restaurant down the street from me in Burbank that was on that show. Oh, no. It was one of the worst episodes. And anyways, you can get it on Torrance. But there's one Mexican restaurant where they go in the back, and I guess a lot of Mexican restaurants do this. They have a big bucket that they get at Home Depot, and they just put all the beans in it.

And they had these bucket of beans where they just scoop out every day and like, here's your beans, here's your beans. They pulled that bucket of beans out. One side of it was fucking mold. The other side was like a breakthrough with a hard layer in the top. Wait a minute. Where was this? I don't. It was a Mexican restaurant on.

Was this mold on the beans? Yeah. On one side it was mold. And the top layer was so hard that they broke through like ice. Like North Pole style to get the beans underneath that were still. It was so hard. Really? You're not exaggerating this at all?

No. That's the beans they serve to people? If anyone's ever seen this episode, they will know. I think about it every time I go to a Mexican at all that's the beans they serve to people if anyone's ever seen this episode they will know i think about every time i go to a mexican restaurant yes this is and they served it to him in the show that's why the show is so great because every episode he goes into the kitchen and finds the exact same kind of shit yeah that's the part it freaks you the fuck out where you don't want to eat at a restaurant ever again after watching that but it's on torrent's get uh kitchen nightmares us version god damn yeah yeah there's a lot man

you do risk it when you go somewhere and you buy someone else's preparation you do risk it you know yeah you do risk it i've worked uh in restaurants before you know whatever you got shot fucking people tune it out a girl that i was dating got in trouble for spitting in someone's milkshake. You should get in a lot of trouble for that. That ruins your faith in the system. That shit happens all the time, too. I used to do that as a waiter all the fucking time, putting my balls on people's breadsticks and shit like that. Yeah, I guess the dude was a dick, so she spit in his fucking milkshake.

People, that's always an option to be a dick. Just don't do it. It's so easy. Don't do it. Meanwhile, she was kind of pretty. Probably would have let her spit in his mouth. can you imagine being a cop going to a restaurant can you imagine being a cop going to a restaurant you know how many times people probably see a cop walking into a restaurant and fucking fuck fuck that cop oh yeah for sure especially some

former maids prisoners no one likes them oh yeah man holtzman became a meter made didn't he yeah i think for a little while yeah meter maid is a terrible job you're just getting negative energy all day nobody's nice to meter maids man it would probably change meter maids world if they would give them the option to stop halfway through a ticket if they actually could do that and make some people's days yeah right they can't or can they they always say i can't stop once i've started that was always the the stereotype the cliche like is that true i don't know but they could, they would win over so many more fans. It's so goddamn ridiculous that you have to give someone money to put your car somewhere.

Fuck you. Just fuck you. But without that, they'll just park forever. No one will be able to get anywhere. So what? So put up a sign that says you can't park forever and then tow the fucks who do. It's that simple. I mean, it's one thing if you live in one of those places like in West Hollywood, it's kind of crazy

because they have all these spots where you can only park if you're a resident because there's really way too many people for this area. The residents would never be able to park. Even the residents can't park. There's too many for the residents. As it is, there's too many. There's not enough parking spots for all the cars.

There's all these apartment buildings and everybody in LA drives. So if you look at an apartment building, you're looking at one area that's not that big on a block, but might have a hundred units in it. Yeah, 40 people for four cars worth of spots. Yeah, that's a hundred cars. A hundred cars is like the whole block.

But there's a lot of other shit on that block besides that apartment building. So it becomes a goddamn nightmare but that kind of makes sense like resident parking like don't park it that's you know this these people live here yeah it sucks if you want to visit somebody but that's better than if it lived if you lived there and it was intolerable every day you couldn't get a parking spot but to charge people for parking on the fucking public streets fuck you you know it's, it's just ridiculous. You shouldn't get any fucking money for someone who's shopping in a store and wants a pullover. Fuck you.

You get a dollar for that? Why? Well, the biggest problem would be, though, if not doing that, is then people would just abandon their cars there and live in their cars. So they can't do that. That's why they have a two-hour free parking or one-hour free parking. There has to be some kind of law. No parking for more than two hours. You're making it across the board. That's why they have a two-hour free parking or one-hour free parking. There has to be some kind of law. No parking for more than two hours. You're making it across the board.

That I don't mind. That I don't mind. If someone violates a normal rule and then you give them a ticket to kind of keep order, hey, man, you can't just be leaving your car parked sideways like that douchebag. You get a ticket for that. But meters in general, you're not— Yeah, but meters, man, fuck that. That's gross.

It's worth it. It'll probably change. Especially the long ones. Like if you go to la there's sometimes there's like 20 signs and you seriously just have to sit there and it's like a video game trying to like read all the signs in the log i gotta take it the last time we were in pasadena because it was like no parking from this hour in this hour tuesdays you can't park here at all after this time and like i just need to take a photo you gotta do the math yeah you have to do math when you read the fucking parking sign yeah the thing is too you take a photo. You've got to do the math. You have to do math when you read the fucking parking sign.

The thing is, too, you take a photo and you get a ticket and what are you going to do? You're really going to fucking fight it. Yeah, it takes forever. You've got to go to court. It's a fucking... How much is a parking ticket? How much is it?

It's like $60 or $70. It's like, there's no way. And I always forget to pay them. You've got to do that work. Yeah, then it doubles. It obviously doubles. You know what really kills me is when cops have uh quotas you know cops have quotas that they have to reach they

have to pull over a certain amount of people for a certain amount of things i'm pretty sure that's how it works yeah and that's why like certain times of the month you'll see just non-stop cops pulling people over all the time and then next week you won't see anything but what's crazy is what if no one commits a crime? I mean, what if we got everybody to keep their shit together for a month? And these cops still have quotas. That would be a crazy movie. Like if a town committed. Yeah, got all the cops fired.

Yeah, if you had a big, like say if it was like Boulder, Colorado, where it's like 100,000 people. You could almost get 100,000 people to never commit any crimes. Don't speed, just for the last week. For one month, let's show these fucking cops that you can't have quotas that say that certain X amount of people have to be speeding. Just the last week when they're trying to get everybody. Unfortunately, our laws are written in such a way where they could pull you over for anything they probably want to. They can find a way to pull you over no matter what. Like, oh, you didn't turn on your signal three seconds before you merged into the next lane that's

actually a law you know or something like that where they can pull you up you know what I mean they could go over any yeah so man what do you need to be with them over for not signaling did you just say remember soul man yeah and then a quote a scene that's hilarious no following him like three feet behind him when the white guy took tanning pills and turned black. The cop was following him

like three feet behind him and then eventually he just swerved because someone opened their door, swerved around their door and the cop pulled the lights on. He was switching lanes without a signal.

How risky was that movie when that came out? Remember the thing that came out for the first time? It was like, whoa, blackface, really? And then he started dating a black chick. Whatever happened to that dude?

Is that C. Thomas Howell? I think it is. What is it? Where is that guy? That guy vanished. Yeah. He's another Cuba Gooding Jr. A lot of those actors, you don't understand, they reach a higher level of consciousness

and they just kind of disappear into the ether. They look like Scientologists. They probably do the right thing. Invest their money and live on an island somewhere and just get out of it. That's what I would do. I was in Balboa. Have you ever heard of Balboa Island? No.

It's this island off of Newport Beach, and it costs a dollar to get over on this ferry. It's awesome. You just drive onto this ferry, and it goes right over. It's like a dollar. Yeah, it's just like Catalina. But Catalina is hard to get a ferry, right? Yeah, yeah. You get your car over there.

It's more expensive than that. It's super small, though. And the houses are fucking amazing. There's not even a cop that lives on this island. And people just had their doors wide open. So you'd walk by and just see people sitting in their house. And they had a Starbucks. And it was the most peaceful fucking shit ever.

Yeah, well, small numbers of people with money tend to be peaceful. Yeah, that's right. So if I got to a certain amount of money, I think, I think I would just take that money, invest it in something that makes me money every month, and just fucking live somewhere like that. Listen to this motherfucker pretending that he's an investor. Yeah, I would just invest in something that makes me money every month. So simple. No, no. How much money?

So simple. Like property, renting out property. That's probably one of the easiest things ever if you had money. No, it's not in this day and age, man. It's actually really hard. In fact, there's a reason why when you drive around, you see all these offices for rent. Well, I mean, I mean. Their property is.

I mean, like apartments. Apartments in Los Angeles. This is a renter's market, believe it or not. There's apartments available everywhere, which is really crazy. Like, what do they expect? How many people do they expect to move here? There's so many extra apartments. How many fucking people are still coming?

When did you move here? What year was it? 99. Do you notice a discernible difference between 99 and 2011 as far as traffic? Less. You think it's less now? Less than like, I noticed this like a year and a half ago. It's way less than three years

before that that's because you just started smoking weed no no no it's just it's because the recession really yeah i eventually noticed because i had to stop doing a joke about that i was like why are the freeways so packed if if if everyone's supposed to be not working but then i was like i'm doing a junk dude keep doing that joke the freeways are goddamn packed no i only noticed the opposite i'm like i'm getting to brea way faster i'm getting to all these places way faster well i think it's just luck i think that's just someone not crashing you fly over in the 405 at five in the afternoon yeah there's still some traffic it's just not it doesn't seem as bad to me orange county is the worst that area like what you're talking about newport beach for every

oh yeah it was just nice getting down there is insane. Anytime we got to go to Irvine, you know, we're doing the Irvine Improv. Anytime we're doing that, I'm always like, oh. Yeah. Here we go. I started going completely up and around. Really? Instead of going by the ocean, I take the 210. I go way the fuck out of my way.

It's like 30 miles longer. Oh, really? It's way above. But you cruise. When you go away from the ocean man that's when you can just fucking make some traffic movement you can make some movement you can get some progress done if you go far away from the ocean you got to go away from the ocean and up high but as soon as you close in on that ocean you get like 405 and it goes the the the the like the

five goes the direction of the ocean. It's all along the shore. It's a couple miles in, but it's along the shore. You're traveling the same way that the ocean goes. It's everybody going from Mexico to California and San Diego to California and every fucking weird town in between. There's just too many goddamn people. But if you just go up to the 210, you go up high, like to 57 North and go up

high, you can actually move. It's crazy. Yeah. There's ways around it. California is way, way, way, way easier to get to where you need to go than, like, say, New York. If you're in New York and you're fucked, if you're fucked, like, say, if you're in the Bronx and you need to get

to Manhattan, you've got a couple different bridges you can take and they're fucked. If you're fucked, like say if you're in the Bronx and you need to get to Manhattan, you got a couple different bridges you can take and they're both fucked up. Or you can go in on the 95, you can do that and that's going to be fucked up too. That's a don't drive city. Yeah, good luck, stupid. Yeah, that city.

To get into Manhattan is, like I used to have an acting class that they made me take and this lady was always mad because I was always like 20 minutes late. And I'm like, look, I'm sorry, but it took me two and a half hours to get here. What?

Oh, yeah, all the time. Oh. All the time. Coming from where? Coming from New Rochelle, which is like the Bronx. Two and a half hours was normal. You would get on that highway and it was one of those. They built highways so stupid on the East Coast.

They didn't get it. They didn't get it. They didn't know there was going to be that many people there. So these highways are all like fucking three lanes on each side, four lanes at the most. They don't have these giant expansive 405 style 8-9 lane highways.

They don't have them. They're small. Especially Boston. I go on the Massachusetts Turnpike. I go on the Turnpike when I go back home and I can't believe they call this a Turnpike. It's fucking two lanes on each side. It's ridiculously small. It's such a small little ass shitbag road.

Like the way to get to the Cape, just like, my God, this little tiny ass road. They didn't anticipate that shit at all. Nobody does it, that many people. But that's not that long ago, man. Think about it. The invention of the automobile was only 100 years ago, right? A little bit more than that. It was like the early 1800s.

Is that what it was? When did Henry Ford... No, 1900s. Those cities were always overcrowded. People moved right up to the roads immediately. When did the automobile get invented? 1941. Yeah? No. I was having the Holocaust down.

Automobile. Let's see. The auto car. Let's see. What year was this motherfucker? Is there a car like an SUV that gets super awesome gas mileage like a Priya or anything like that yet? Is there a car that gets awesome gas mileage? Like an SUV type car yet.

They have hybrids. SUV hybrids. Wow, sweat this. The first fucking steam-powered vehicle was designed by this dude who was a Flemish member of a Jesuit mission in China in 1672. Really?

Yeah. It was a scale model for the Chinese emperor. Wow. It wasn't able to carry a driver or a passenger, but this guy figured that out in 1672 that's fucking incredible and then in 1752 some russian dude constructed a human peddled

four-wheeled auto running carriage and proposed to equip it with an odometer to use the same principle for making a cell how long now would it take once you design that steam-powered model until you just fucking put it into practice in a real car? Eight years? Today? Yeah. I don't know. I have no idea, but it wouldn't take long.

It wouldn't take as many years as it would back then. Back then, you had to make your own. It was eight years before somebody even came up with something similar. You had to make your own tools to work on it. That's a good point. You know, how about that? You just can't go to Heckinger's. Yeah, you can't just fucking go to Pet Boys

Auto. They still have Heckinger's? I think they went out of business. I forgot about that name. That's crazy. You would have to make a machine and then make the parts and then make the fucking tools to work in the machine. Call it blacksmith. So apparently it was like

they got their shit together where it was like the late 1800s. It seems like they started really, really rocking it. I thought it was – I thought that Ford, Henry Ford invented the car. Isn't that what we're always told? The first one that made it. Mass produced. What's the name of mine?

Manufacturing. Because it says that Germany was the first, the first automobile powered by its own four-stroke cycle gasoline engine was built in Mannheim, Germany in 1885. Germany. Could you imagine how fucking weird it must have been, like even thinking about other countries that are on the other side of the ocean in 1885? I mean, when we think about Germany or we think about England, at least for me, I've been there.

I've been to both of them a couple of times. When America seceded, people in England were like, I don't even know anyone who's even been there. I don't even know anyone. Nobody knew anyone. Because if you went there, you never went back. It takes too long. It's months.

How long does it take on a boat to get to America? A long time. Right now, it takes at least a week, right? And a lot of people die along the way. My dad took a boat here. Whoa. Yeah. My grandparents did.

My grandparents both came by boat. Did he sneak in? He did not sneak in, no. He was a... They let Jews in, dude. They don't even need green cards. They go, come on in. We need more Jews.

Yeah. But if you're an Arab or a Mexican, they go, hey, get in that room over here. You know Ari's doing more Amazing Races videos? Are you really? Yeah, she did some. Finally, juice. Brian said that with an unhappy tone. Did you hear that?

Did you catch that? A judgmental tone. I worry about Ari. I worry about little Ari. What are you doing? What are the next ones? Jews. Okay, that's good.

I went to a Jewish market. White people in general are easy to pick on. You should go only after white people with those. It's hard. I thought for years of how to get to whites, and I can't think of anything. There's no angle that gets them offended as a race. What are you talking about? It would have to be an individual thing, like a black guy married your daughter.

No flavor. That won't get them mad to say, look at me pointing out that white people have little dicks. So you're saying what an angle to do for a sketch. Yeah. Let's throw it up on Twitter, man. People will come up with an angle for you. Yeah. But the thing is it would have to make them mad just seeing it, like the Klan makes black people mad just seeing it. The only way it's going to be making white people mad is if you make black people move into their neighborhood and start partying yeah that's what it makes but that won't

offend them as a race of white people when white people see that at home they won't get offended right i see what you're saying only the people in that neighborhood will be upset you do racist shit around black people like wear a kkk outfit and they want to beat your ass they're offended but you can't do that by the image they get upset about it yeah it's true white people dominated unfortunately yeah there's a lot true white people dominated unfortunately yeah there's a lot of white people that are cool you say unfortunately but look if you want to look historically i'd way rather be on the team win yeah and yeah and as far as like giant groups of people that run shit what are the options there's white people black people asians and

arabs right those are the options of giant groups of people that are running shit. Asians, Arabs, yeah. Those are the entire groups. And if you look at all of them, it seems like if America is the one that's run by the white people, it seems like you can get away with the most corporate crime. But it seems like you're pretty hard on the other kind of crime. China, you can get away with a lot of corporate crime. Yes.

They just bootleg stuff. It's because they blend in so easily. Yeah. They're like camouflage. They're human racist camouflage. Did you hear what they did? They had fake Apple stores selling fake Apple products and the employees, the people that were working there,

actually thought they were working for Apple. Wow. Good one. And it's actually not against the law for them to do that, but they have to get the special permits and only three of the stores or two of the stores actually had the permits, but the other ones didn't. Isn't that hilarious? Yeah. But if you looked at that, it seems like China would be way suppressive.

But then you've got to look at it and go, well, yeah, maybe it's because there's a billion fucking people over there, man. Yeah, they're like, if you've got a copy of the fucking Matrix, yeah, I guess copy it and sell it to people if they want it. They've got other shit to worry about. When there's a billion fucking people and everybody's eating bugs because there's no food. You know? You go over to China, man, they eat bugs. You know, it's true. They eat a lot of other things, but they eat a lot of bugs.

It's real common. They feed kimchi sauce to their babies in bottles. Really? Kimchi sauce? What? No. How dare you? I was like, I love kimchi, but it's so spicy.

That's hilarious. It's funny how babies have taste buds, though, for certain shit. Like my littlest baby, the one that's only a year and three months, she loves spicy shit. Really? Yeah, she grabs pepperoni, and I'm looking at her, and I'm like, oh, she's going to hate this. Give me more. She got some hot sauce the other day and loved it. Which one?

The little one, the tiny one. Maybe she doesn't have the burn buds yet. It wasn't real hot. It was like tapatio. But it was on a little piece of chicken. It was a little piece of chicken, and she fucking dug in, man. Wow. Train her now.

Spicy garlic sauce. It was like a really garlicky sauce. She was licking it up. She liked it. It's weird. Nice. But the other one, man, fuck. You can't get rid of it.

You just start crying spicy spicy like mild ass indian food super mild she'll start crying i made my grandfather's pickle recipe we did it again me and taylor did it yeah i didn't put in five times as much too salt by accident you put five times too much yeah when we made them i put two cups instead of like like two pinches it was like something ridiculous wow yeah and i still try to eat through those pickles i'm like i mean i'm not gonna give them a go but yeah this time we came out right they're so good and they're so spicy you get the sweat under the eyes really yeah it's so good but it's oh i was wondering what's wrong those pickles like we would eat one because we spent like what a month doing this shit leave them out of the sun and then we would

eat one yeah it's good but there's uh my favorite all-time hot sauce is El Yucateca. You know that shit? Yeah, I've had that. The Mexican hot sauce. They have that at the griddle. The green habanero. Yeah, that's good. Goddamn, it's so good.

I forgot how good it was until we started doing Fear Factor again because the caterers always have that shit. Oh, yeah. And the caterers had some and I threw some on some carne asada the other day. I'm like, goddamn, this is good. It's just so flavorful and powerful. But that's like the real, legit Mexican shit. It's got a Spanish label. That's the real shit.

You can get that for like 30 cents a bottle. Yeah, it's amazing how many different cultures have just like so much different flavor to their foods. Yeah. You know, like Mexican food is just like we we we you know there's a certain style of flavor yeah spicy as fuck some of their salsa is incredible and then you know you look at like irish food it's like boiled potatoes boiled corned beef you know boiled sauerkraut yeah that's why the italians have the uh what's a lot of it's a result of the like um industries and stuff like italians were all, so they just made pasta.

It's the cheapest, easiest stuff to make. Yeah, it fills your stomach. Yeah, and they just shape it differently. That's the only variety you get is by shaping it slightly differently. It is really amazing when you think about how the food defines how people behave too, like connected to how you feel like they behave. Like Italians are all about passion, and their food is very passionate and rich and delicious and flavorful. But then you go with the Irish,

and they're like, hey, have another beer. They're just watering themselves down with beer and smoking cigarettes and looking at how ugly the women are. Hey! Meanwhile, Irish people listening to this podcast are very angry at me right now. What are you talking about?

It's okay, I'm ugly too. We're all ugly. But I'm passionate too, mate. Northern Ireland is the craziest place I've ever been, where you drive around and... It was just fighting? Well, there's a lot of fighting in Ireland. I saw a lot of fighting. But one of the things in Northern Ireland that was really crazy is that all the cars are armored. They all have these giant plates of steel all around because they had to deal with a lot of bombings.

The whole IRA thing, the Protestants versus the Catholics. It was like, there's been a... Most people in America are unaware of how much Ireland and Northern Ireland, how much they went through. You know, there was an incredible amount of bloodshed over there. And because of that, like, when we went out, I did a gig with my boy Dave Bishop,

and then we went out, and we went out to some fucking local place, and the cars that were all around us it was like we were in a fucking mad max movie why they're all like old old cars no they're all covered with steel like they're they're armored like they have guns the windows for bombs the windows of the cop cars had steel mesh over them and there was like plates and plates in the front of the car and plates on the side they were like these big armored fucking crazy shells over their cop cars i was like wow what a fucking weird place this and you couldn't understand a goddamn word anybody said it's amazing that they

call that shit english i talked to some dude in a club we were in the little bar downstairs at the hotel we were all staying at and we we were all drinking with this dude. And he was talking to me for two hours. And all I heard, the whole two hours, the only words I heard was, I'll fight any man. He was talking to me about fighters. I'll save my life, this fucking chocolate doll. I'll tell you right now. I'll fight any man.

I'll fight any man. Just drinking and talking about how I'll fight any man. He really would. He would have fought anyone. Anyone in front of him who just got his ass. any man i'll fight any man just drinking and talking about how to fight any man he really would he would have fought anyone anyone in front of me who just got his ass i'll fucking come on let's do it hand it to him he'll bite you and fucking try to cause or call your eyes out it's so dreary over there man i've never eaten at a place that had worse food northern ireland we had chinese food there that was like it was literally like dogs and cats and pigeons. It was fucking terrible.

Was there porridge good at least? Was there anything that was good? You can't fuck up eggs. So I had a lot of eggs there. But it could obviously be just where I went. But the parts that I went, I got the worst food ever. We stayed at a nice hotel. Food was terrible.

It was off. Like you're eating the beef, and you're like, what the fuck is wrong with this beef? This is a piece of steak, but it tastes completely different. Like in Australia, their beef is completely different than American beef. Really? And it's good. It's very good. Don't get me wrong. Australia is fantastic.

Sydney. Free range? I've been to Sydney twice. It's amazing. No, because I've had free range, too. I eat eat grass-fed beef that's what most of the time i eat i i like corn fed because it's fattier and you get a little bit more fat in the cooking but this is a flavor to grass-fed that i prefer and it's a healthier animal for sure because when you're you're giving them corn that is completely completely outside of their diet in the natural world.

It's a grain as opposed to a grass. So their bodies get super fat and disgusting. That's why they're so delicious. The grass-fed meat is actually fat-burning. Really? Yeah. That makes sense. It has the opposite effect on your system.

It makes sense because we're not supposed to be eating an animal that's been force-fed some fucked up food to keep it fat you know i mean that's that's a weird thing man but the difference is you know the food over in australia like the beef was delicious the steak was delicious but it was like pink inside it was like a piece of pork chop it was a completely different shade yeah it was a way lighter shade because like when i get a medium rare steak you cut into it and you see that juicy red fucking savage flesh and yeah but meanwhile this is like a pork chop i was like this is like white in there it was very good but it was like this is weird you know england it looked like steak it looked similar when i was cutting it open but it tasted different it tasted like tasted like it was sick or something.

They just don't put any spice in it or something. Not in England. Excuse me. Northern Ireland. I've had some great food in England. People say that the food in England is bad, but it's nothing compared to Northern Ireland. I've had some delicious food. They have amazing restaurants in England, right?

England's got some great places. It's just when you go to a place and the food's different. When you go get breakfast, like English breakfast, you get an English breakfast, they bring you beans. Have you ever had crumpets? Yes. They're awesome. They're pretty good. But English breakfast, they give you beans and they call bangers and bangers are sausage.

And like a broiled tomato all the time. That's your breakfast? I hate broiled tomatoes. I don't get that. Broiling a tomato. But it's super common over there. Is that what they do at Zenko? Yeah.

Ew, yeah. I hate that shit. Well, it falls apart a little. It's a little cooked. But I don't get it. Just give me a piece of fucking tomato. Tomato, do you have to improve the flavor of tomato by cooking it? Yeah.

I wonder if that's something you start liking when you're like 70. Yeah, probably. It's not like a zucchini. Like, if you grill zucchini, it tastes kind of cool. You know, it tastes different. Yeah. If you grill a tomato, it's not better. I don't know.

I don't know either. I met a Scottish comic who was like 23 in Montreal. You couldn't understand a word he said. Impossible. It was like people were trying, laughing at the idea of his accent, and then it was just like, we don't understand any of this. And it's all English. It was amazing to watch.

Yeah, it's interesting that the English language has, you know, if you go to all these different parts of the globe and hear the variations from, like, southern Georgia to northern Ireland, you know, and you hear the variations of the same words and what we use and don't use. I mean, it really is almost like it's a bunch of different languages. Like, it's getting close. It's getting close to, like, morphing off into its own separate branch. If people were separate, the thing that fucked everybody. Yeah, they all changed separately.

Yeah. But they're connected now. You know, now it's like people are inexorably connected with the internet with you know mass media you you can hear the way people use those words yeah all over the world and they're going to stay they're going to stay reasonably close to the way they are now but if they weren't if people weren't connected you know they were separated if by by big chunks of you know water or something like that yeah they would probably develop to a bunch of different languages yeah probably different over time because you think of the scottish have you ever read um uh

train spotting yes you know how it's written in oh really yeah you know it's written in vernacular it's like you have to like piece together what they're saying right right it's like eventually that would sort of become the written language yes and then eventually certain words that you have completely different words like the lift in england for the elevator you would just start using those words and it'd become a different language still with our numerals or something some guy was uh there was some some guy was on the radio the other day and he was talking about how diverse the uh england is and how many different languages are spoken in england because they were talking about the riots yeah and they were talking about 300 different

languages and i went what three i didn't even know there were 300 languages. How many? I thought there was probably like 30 languages. There's like a bunch of Indians. A bunch of different Indian languages? You mean American Indian or India? No, no, no. India. Really? I think there's like a bunch, like 30 or 40 there. Jesus Christ. I think some of those you might be able to understand. Like if you know one, you might be able to

understand a couple others, like Spanish and Italian. Well, how wacky is China? There's a bunch all in the same country, a bunch of different ways to talk Chinese? Yeah, I thought it was just two. I thought it was Cantonese and Mandarin. But isn't there various dialects of each one of them? Yeah, there probably are.

The areas are so huge. So a person who speaks Cantonese can't understand a person who speaks Mandarin at all? I think it's a completely different language, but I don't know. Fuck! That's insane. Yeah. Who the fuck came up with language first? Did we know what the oldest language was?

No. No. We know about written. We know the oldest written shit, as far as we know today, is Sumer. They think it's Sumerian text. 6,000? That's the oldest shit we've ever seen written down. But what throws that into fucked up and makes it questionable is this new thing they found in Turkey over the last couple of decades. They found this new site in Turkey called Gobekli Tepe. And it's at least 6,000 years older than Sumer. And it's all, like, really intricately carved and you know there's uh

there's a language there we don't know though that's the thing this is 6 000 years earlier but they didn't find any language they just found survived well who knows you know it's like when you find a culture that's that fucking old you're lucky you're finding anything yeah you know the land eats everything if you left a car alone for 16,000 years, there's no car left when you come back. It'll turn to sand. It'll get absorbed by the earth, slowly but surely, one little speck at a time. I mean, if you've ever gone to an old junk

yard and you see a car from like 1940, literally, it's falling apart. There's holes in it. It's dissolving. It's so rusty, it's just burning through. It'll dissolve. The earth will eat it. So the metal just goes back into the ground. The metal just becomes dirt. It becomes a part of the soil.

When we look at a culture that's that old, you only find rock. You're not going to find anything else. You might find some carbon from a fire. You might find some arrowheads and shit like that. But it's got to be hard, hard rock or fossils. You're going to find bodies, like human bodies, a semi-fossilized state. This is too long ago. You're not going to find any paper.

If they made paper, good luck. You won't find it. You're not going to find any metal tools. Those are gone. The Earth ate those. I thought of something that was really big the other day about one of your theories about how civilization started over type thing. I met that robot. Not me, but I saw that robot at Disneyland, the Honda robot, the Alba motor.

I got to see it run and do the stair thing. I'm looking at it, and I'm like, one day this thing is going to kill me and stuff like that. They're going to make robots, and it's going to turn on you and stuff like that. kill me you know and stuff like that you know they're going to make robots that and it's going to turn on you and stuff like that and what if like the robots kill the whole entire human race and then you know like a virus or something like that destroys all the robots and kills all the robots and then a thousand years later there's nothing all the you know robots turn to sand because like they they disintegrate and then uh there's two people like humans like hiding in a cave somewhere you know living on the dead bodies and smoking crack.

Then they make a kid and they're like Jesus and stuff like that. They rebuild the whole race again but they're so fucked up on crap and stupid because they were just living in a cave the whole time. Then the human race starts over again and then we try to build robots again and then they kill us off again into other crack addicts in the caves.

That's what I was thinking of that Disneyland stunt. That's the entire plot of Battlestar Galactica. Yeah, it is. The Cylons. The Cylons take over. And you know what? It's a very possible plot. The idea that we can make intelligent life and we're super close to doing that. We're super close to having some sort

of an artificial intelligence that you can communicate with that actually even develops emotions. They're going to have emotional responses programmed into these fucking things. And for us to be arrogantly assuming that that's never going to be a problem because they're not really live, they're not really, but if we create a system that responds as if it was alive, if that system has self-realization, if that system becomes sentient and realizes it has to protect itself and then it defends itself against another system, that is just as alive as a virus. It's just as alive as an animal that wants to eat you. It's just as alive as anything.

That's alive, man. You've created something that exists right now. Yes, it may not have cells and bone as you think of life, but it's responding and moving and interacting and it's intelligent. And you've actually made this fucking thing a brain. You've built this thing, the ability to interact with other brains, other technologically created brains. And you've got a whole network of beings, beings that have it within their best interest to keep you dead and them alive. That's all super duper possible. It just seems so foreign to us.

It seems preposterous because our lives, our whole lives, the way we have looked at machines is like this is some shit people made. We have full control of it. We have full – we're completely arrogant about it. We have full control over the stuff we make. Have you ever seen that robot run? Yes. It leaves the ground for for like just like a human when you run you actually there's a point where you're both of your feet are off the ground yeah it does the same thing it was it was amazing it's amazing and it's just the beginning yeah it's just the beginning it's like iRobot iRobot is going to

be legit man they're really going to have a robot that as is as functional as a human body it's going to move like a human body but it's going to be metal and replace. They're really going to have a robot that is as functional as a human body. It's going to move like a human body, but it's going to be metal and replaceable. It's going to have artificial tissue that won't break or rip or tear, but it'll look like human tissue. It's going to be incredible. It's just a matter of time. If you look at

1800 and what people had in 1900 and the beginning of this century in 2000, and then compare it to 1,000 years ago. There's obviously been some radical changes in 1900 to 2000 to 2011. There's radical, radical changes. And those radical changes, you took the cream of the crop shit that we have today, like a fucking helicopter and a a 9-11 turbo and you

brought them to 1600 there's no way if leonardo da vinci sat and looked at that he could have ever predicted a 9-11 turbo he would get in that thing he'd be like what the fuck like wow really this is fucking crazy like think of someone who like da vinci invented so many crazy things you know had i pat drawings for flying machines and all sorts of different things that he created but if you showed him what actually occurred in our lifetime which we completely take for granted gun turrets we it's it's like space 1999 shit it's like it's like science fiction so for sure if these guys are making robots like this Honda robot, which is amazing. In 2011, 2,211. Oh, fuck, man.

It is going to be like Blade Runner. As long as I'm dead, I don't care. You might not be dead. That's the crazy thing. With the science and technology the way it is today, you might not be dead at all. There might be a Renu pill where you can take, within our lifetime, that renews your cells

and reprograms your DNA to behave as if it's young. You know what they're going to have? They're going to have a vaccine for aging at some point. So the people that haven't had it, you have to take it when they're really a baby. So people who haven't got the vaccine are all going to die. Maybe. That's a possibility.

You're just going to watch them all go. More likely, they'll manipulate the fact that the cells recreate themselves every seven years. Everything except the neurons is completely replaced every seven years so what they'll do is they'll reprogram all these all these cells to come back fresh and young and that's what they'll do so over a seven year period you'll take this shit and over a seven year period you'll go from being some old lady to some hot young 20 year old bitch bam bam or if you just that'd be bam. Or if you just didn't get older. You know, like whatever time you took that.

That's possible, too. Because I doubt your skin's going to go backwards. That's going to be the beginning. Oh, it will. It will. No question about it. Well, just think what I said. If your tissue could recreate itself, the thing is you've got to get it to recreate

itself in a state that's not damaged, like scars. Like if you think about it, if you have a scar, that scar, I have a scar, a big one on my finger that I got when I was nine. But that scar is still here when I'm 44. Why is it still here? Why is it still here if everything is recreating? Because it's recreating in this damaged state. You would have to get your cells to not recreate in a state of an old person who's fucking engines misfiring.

You want to get it to a mature person of around 25 years of age physically. That's what you want. I think it's more like they're just going to take your head off RoboCop style and put you on a RoboCop body. They're going to find a way to pause your brain and all your shit. I don't think it'll be a biological solution if it gets to that. I think

it'll be a matter of recreating your consciousness in a form of like a computer code. If an operating system works for the Mac and an operating system works for the PC, what the fuck is a human being? What is the driving mechanism behind what makes a person want to eat and fuck and be successful and be curious? What the fuck is under the surface? Is it just a bunch of ones and zeros? And if it's not, is it possible to exactly recreate it with a bunch of ones and zeros? That's the real question.

Is it possible to take a human being's consciousness and completely recreate it to the point where all of a sudden you're switched on and you're switched on in this body? Like you wake up one day and you don't even fucking know that you are a computer code in a machine and that your entire life is absolutely completely 100 artificial it's just being fed to this computer code through this you know this program that someone has created yeah that's that is all that's not like completely ridiculous that's not like is even as ridiculous time travel, and that's not ridiculous. Although there's some scientists that believe that you can never bypass the speed of light, so time travel will be impossible.

But I think they just say that for now. I think there's nothing that's going to eventually not be possible. I think it'll just be a matter of how much power can we generate in order to manipulate our surroundings to make everything possible. It's a matter of time. Like I said, you know, what's impossible today was not, I mean, what was impossible 200 years ago is not impossible today. So when you hear scientists saying that this is impossible, that doesn't mean it's impossible. It just means as far as what we know now, and we don't know shit, you know, we know a lot. I mean, we're brilliant in comparison

to cavemen but in comparison to understanding just the very nature of the universe and when you you know subatomic particles and they lose all fucking rules go out the window when you go subatomic you know they have things where a particle can be in a in a super state where it's in a state of moving and it's still at the same time. What the fuck does that even mean? And the idea that you can look at something and as you're looking at it, you change the behavior of it and that you can watch an event and the observer actually changes the actual atoms that are,

that are, that are moving and what the fuck, how is that possible? We don't know. We don't know. We don't know. So to say that people know a lot. Yeah, we know a lot for people. We know a lot for people.

But there's some shit that we don't understand at all. They don't even know why the universe stays together. They don't know why it doesn't just fly apart. You know, this dark matter thing is like, you know, they don't know what the fuck that is. They're just guessing. It's probably just vinegar or something like that they've realized it is probably like douche vinegar you know what they figured out they figured out that there's um some sort of an anti-matter like layer to the van allen radiation belts that there's a a layer of anti-matter

out there yeah i don't even know what the fuck that means but that's incredible that there's some shit that they've been talking about using for weapons forever they've been talking about anti-matter weapons forever because if you could conceivably create an anti-matter weapon it would be just as big of a leap as nuclear weapons were to like arrows yeah things just fucking go

bye bye could you imagine imagine if we went to like afghanistan if they tried anti-matter weapons on afghanistan and we went there and afghanistan was like a bowl a ceramic bowl like white and shiny and there was literally nothing else there it was like the whole thing was just white and shiny like ceramic yeah that's not outside the realm of possibilities you know why because we like we? Because we already did that. This is what I realized today when I was talking to Tony.

Everyone's like, oh, we can't trust the Russians with nuclear weapons. We can't trust the Chinese with nuclear weapons or the Koreans. We're the only ones that have set them off. We're the only ones. And we did it twice. Oh, no. Russians have detonated them for practice. Against people.

Yeah. We're the only ones against people. And we're like, oh, we can't trust them with it. We can't trust us. Against people. Yeah. We're the only ones against people. And we're like, oh, we can't trust them. We can't trust us. We're assholes. We're the ones we can't trust. They shouldn't trust us. It's us and we're.

These are people that existed a long time ago. I mean, the idea that we're on a team with those douchebags. I didn't do shit. They didn't just blow up civilians. The word is that the Japanese were trying to surrender for a long time, man. And they said no because they wanted to test it? Well, they wanted to fucking do it. Yeah.

It was not really a test. They wanted to let everybody know what's up. Twice. Drop bombs in your moms. Once wasn't enough. They had to do another one. Fuck car alarms. The idea that you're going to take this fucking thing that harnesses the power of the sun

and you're just going to drop it on some people you don't even know. And it's okay because we're at war. This is like, these aren't soldiers. These are just some people going about their business. Yeah, people are like, I don't want to get involved with politics. Yeah. And then all of a sudden they're obliterated. They never were.

Isn't it crazy they didn't even have jet engines back there. They had a propeller plane. And they dropped it out of this propeller plane. And they had to do a 360 or 180, excuse me, and fucking get out of there. Is that what they had to do? Because the bomb would follow, like the physics bomb follows the plane. How high up would they let it go? I don't know.

It's amazing they have video footage of that. Of them doing it? Yeah. They must have got fucked up by radiation, no? Probably, right? Probably. As soon as it hit, it fucking went. There's so many people that got fucked up by radiation. I wonder Probably, right? Probably. As soon as it hit, it fucking went. There's so many people that got fucked up by radiation.

I wonder how long those guys lived. That's a good question. Well, you've seen, we've talked about it, I talk about it on stage, the videos of guys running towards the blasts. Like the army, where they used to blow off bombs and have them run towards the bomb. They did that a lot. Obviously, that would never happen today. If you tried to get an American soldier today to run towards a blast, he's going to shoot you in the bomb. They did that a lot. Obviously, that would never happen today. If you tried to get an American soldier today to run towards a blast, he's going to shoot you in the dick.

Towards a mushroom cloud. What? No one's coming out of there, man. For a test. I'm going to run towards that for a test. We know now. The average person knows that that shit will kill you. Officer Kardashian, I want you to run past that. I watched a Kim Kardashian commercial. She was showing some clothes that she had.

And she was talking about how she likes this look and likes that look. And sometimes I wear this and I wear it with a dress because it – I wear it with a jacket because it makes it a little bit more saucy. And I'm like, wow. Why is anyone listening to you on anything? You vapid, vapid person. Isn't it amazing how many people sponsor her or how many – It's incredible. Her face is on everything.

If you walk through JCPenney's or Macy's or whatever it is, you'll see her face a million times for a million different products. And magazines, man. Every fucking magazine has her face on the cover. It's incredible. The girl's making bank. You can't hate her for that. You can't hate her for any of it. I don't hate her. She's just so dumb. It's so amazing that

we have fixated on this. And, you know, she has a very pretty face. Don't get me wrong. But it's so amazing that we have fixated on this and you know she has a very pretty face don't get me wrong but it's always getting worked on like every now and then it'll get all puffy and shit because she's getting injections and there's all these before and after pictures it does look good but it's you know what i'm saying it's like there's certain girls that just look like like angelina jolie yeah like she has this face where like, especially when she was young. Yeah. Like you just look at it and you go, wow, like that is a perfect symmetrical face.

Yeah. Like I can understand that face being everywhere. And this girl, Kim Kardashian, she's pretty. She's hot. She's got some big titties and a big ass and everything. It's all good. But it's not that good enough to be focusing so much time on it. It's not that.

It's like people are addicted to her. It's like it's cigarettes. It's like cigarettes aren't that good. You smoke one in the beginning and you've never smoked a cigarette. You're like, why would I keep doing this? But after a while you get addicted to it and it becomes something you're used to. Now it's like these magazines are addicted to putting Kim Kardashian everywhere. It's like you're making a big deal out of absolutely nothing.

She's just a person. It's not bad. Not hating her. She's just a girl out there's not bad, not hating her. She's just a girl out there, you know, getting hers by, you know, being in a show that follows her around. But once you start following someone around and you start tuning into that, man, it's like tricky. It is like addictive.

They become, it's like you get programmed with wanting to know, well, there's a conflict going on with her and her sister's boyfriend. I wonder how they're going to resolve that. Yeah, if I don't watch them. You just get addicted. You can't help it. Yeah. She just tried to sue Old Navy because a friend of ours, or a friend of mine is Melissa Molinaro.

Do I know her? Well, she's friends of Aubrey's, and I don't think you ever met her. Okay. But she was on an Old Navy commercial, and she's just singing and dancing. It was a commercial, and the Kardashian or Kim Kardashian said, no, people think that's me. Does she look like her? And so she tried to sue Old Navy.

Does she look like her? She does kind of look like her. She looks like a hotter version of Kim Kardashian. How could you say that? Kim Kardashian's pretty hot. But that's ridiculous. How could you say that this is what the girl looks like? You're not allowed to use this girl.

This girl looks like that, but you're not allowed to use her because she looks too much like me. Did Kim Kardashian use you to do ads for them? I don't think so. Even if she did, so fucking what? This girl is her own face. You can't sue someone for using a pretty girl's face because that pretty girl happens to look like you. So what, that pretty girl's never allowed to work again because she looks too much like you?

If they're trying to replace her, if they're trying to say like this is still her. Even so what? So what, dude? Even if they were trying to replace her, if this girl has her own face and this company chooses, you know what? I like this girl. She looks like Kim Kardashian, but she's prettier and she's unknown. Let's use her.

They should be more than allowed to do that. When they dropped her as a spokesman, but they used her voice anyway? No, that's different. Here's they should be more than allowed to do that when they dropped her as a spokesman but they used her voice anyway no that's different here's a perfect example say um what if someone decides to do uh some sort of a video game or something about fear factor yeah and they have a dude pretend to be me yeah and he looks kind of like me and he talks kind of like me and they say it's me well then I can sue them. Then I can say, hey, that's not me. But if you decide to do Fear Factor and you go and get some dude who looks like me and he's good at it and he just does it, I can't sue you. He's just doing it. Even if he's imitating me.

Even if he's imitating me. If he replaces me and he's doing the show the way I do the show, I still can't sue him. Right. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think that's wrong. If they're trying to pass someone off as you. Yeah, but they're not.

Kim Kardashian, does she even sing? Okay, well, what if it says, you know, Fred fucking suck, you know, the host of Fear Factor. This is, this is, Fred fucking suck just happens to look like me. That'd probably be the problem, whether or not they were trying to pass it off as her or not. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, you can't— I don't know. That's why I asked if she was in an Old Navy commercial before. Here's the thing.

You're protecting this giant multimillionaire celebrity image when there's a girl who just wants to work. And she happens to look like this girl. She should be able to work. Yeah. This girl should not have to—you know, I can't, she can't do a shoe ad because she looks too much like Kim Kardashian, and Kim Kardashian does a shoe ad, and it makes the K-Swiss people think that she's cheating on them or something. Who the fuck she makes shoes for?

You know what I mean? That's not cool. You don't own other people's face because they look similar to you. What if a Chinese person tried to do that? Right? There's no copyright laws in China. But what Brian was talking about, I mean. If they tried to do it in America, there's so much less

variation in their appearances. Maybe that's why there's no copyright laws in China. How are you going to prove you're you? Not only that, it's just so ridiculous that you would be able to copyright your image when your image is exactly the same image as everybody else's

yeah you know if there's a billion men in china and 400 million look like you yeah holy shit dude i remember buck rogers and they came on that planet that everyone looked like it was illegal to wear masks really it's illegal to take your mask off really because they want there was everyone crazy because all the boys looked like all the other boys and all the girls like all the other girls buck rogers girls looked like all the other girls. Buck Rogers. Is this like the really, really old Buck Rogers? No, it wasn't the black and white. It was with Chewy or whatever the robot's name was.

The little guy that waddled. Chewy? Not Chewy. It wasn't that. It was like a little Twiggy or something. Twiggy? How many different Buck Rogers did they do? It was one with the guy from Silver Spoons.

Twiggy's the cute little robot. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's the one. It's was one with the guy from Silver Spoons. Twiggy's the cute little robot. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, that's the one. It's the one with the guy from Silver Spoons. The robots back then would just... Oh, no, the mom from Silver Spoons. Remember the robots would always roll around? They would always roll.

Because we couldn't see the move because they couldn't get that technology. So the robots would always... They would just slide by you evenly. Remember Lost in Space? Warning! Warning! Remember that robot? That robot was stupid as fuck. He looked like a popcorn maker.

He had these big claws for fingers. He had useless fucking clamps. And by the way, if you landed in any planet, that robot would get stuck instantly. If it wasn't completely paved evenly, he has no chance of getting up and down. He can't even get around. It was stupid. He rolled around. They had the technology to get to another planet, but they couldn't make an effective robot.

A robot that can actually walk. He's rolling around. Warning! Warning! That was a state of the art for a while, right? Yeah. And these fucking people, we're supposed to believe they're just stuck out there in space. And they keep landing on places where they can breathe the air.

Oh, lucky us. We can breathe the air out here. Oh, here we are again. And they're hanging out with the one gay guy. That was the first gay guy on television. Remember? He was always alone with the kids. Yeah, he was always alone with the kids.

And he was always like the father would fucking quiet him down real quick. And he would be all upset. Ruining my nap time. Yeah, yeah. And he was never a threat to fuck the wife, ever. No. The wife was hot as fuck, all out there in space. Really, two men supposed to be competing for this one woman, you know?

Yeah. Like in, what is it? Life. The Walking Dead series. The two cops fighting over the same woman. That's how it goes in the real jungle, bitches. That's how it goes. Sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.

Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, man. If this is a zombie apocalypse, I'd like to die, please. Oh, yeah. I just want to be wiped out. I'd live through it. Yeah. If there's like a meteor impact and the meteor contains spores that turns the survivors into

zombies, please land on my head. Yeah. Just let's get it over with. End this. Yeah, let's end this nice and quickly, please. Have my head. Let's get it over with. Let's end this nice and quickly, please. Have you ever seen The Road? I watched it until the video. I bought the Blu-ray.

I watched it until he was teaching the boy how to shoot himself in the mouth. And I said, okay. I shut it off. So he gets raped before he gets killed. I was like, I don't want this in my mind. I read the book. I remember when you were reading it. You were absorbed, dude. You were reading it. You were absorbed, dude.

You were reading it when we were on the road. He'd be sitting next to you on the plane just like rolling his eyes. It's the first book I read in a decade. It was maybe one of them. Maybe, yeah, we were in some airport. We were taking two planes a day for like seven days or four days. Oh, that was the Canadian tour that we went on. Yeah.

And no direct flights at all. Well, we were up in the boondocks, man. We did Grand Prairie and... Grand Prairie, yeah. All those weird spots. We did, like, weird mining towns and shit. I met somebody from Grand Prairie. I was like, oh, I played there once. And they were like, no, you didn't.

I was like, I swear I did. That's funny. They didn't believe you. Listen, bitch, we played. Yeah, we were there. Like, very light until, like, 1130 at night. I'll. Listen, bitch. We played. Yeah. We were there. Like very light until like 1130 at night. I'll go anywhere, bro. I'll go to Grand Prairie for the experience. For the experience?

Yeah. It's a weird place up there, man. You know, when you're in those weird, those are the spots that people only get to go outside for a few months a year. It's a completely different vibe. I met the owner of Yuccax and he challenged me to go to one of those places in the winter. You'd be crazy. Don't do it. He was like,

experience it, man. See what it's like. You could die. Try. You could die. Really? Yeah, I have a buddy, one of the people

that I work with on Fear Factor who did Ice Road Truckers and he went to some place up there where they were driving their trucks across the fucking lakes,

frozen lakes. It was crazy shit. 40 below zero it was outside. Wow he said um he fucked up and he left his gloves in the car oh no he tried to manipulate something with his hands his hands were getting stuck to the to the metal because it was so cold oh my god what the fuck crazy man how crazy there's no way you get laid in an environment like that you have to go back to your house so fast you couldn't even, I'm not going to a bar tonight.

Amazing. Yeah, 40 fucking below zero. So in these places, when you go there in the summertime, man, it's like there's a happiness to the people. They're so happy that you can go outside and not die. Didn't you feel it? You feel like a joy. All summer long, everyone's like, oh, we just love this love this yeah kayaking and breathing the air it's amazing i wonder if they appreciate life better i've always thought about that they appreciate the summer better no doubt

yeah no doubt we're always in the summer man yeah i don't appreciate that much although i really do first time i stayed here man i stayed here with my friend gary valentine we i was doing something for mtv and they gave me a room with two beds and Gary was up here for some audition so he crashed with me. We got up every day and we were like, another fucking shitty day was gray. Good luck. From October to March, most of the fucking sky is just gray, and it sucks. Either it's raining or it's snowing or it just sucks. So you get so used to this no rain, no snow, no have to deal with weather. But I think that when you take out nature as a variable, you don't have to consider nature people get like real cocky they get real you know what i'm saying which is one of the reasons why the la douche like when you think

of la douches at least i think of people who are i think of them as not just being soft but delusional about their hardness like he's an oh he's an la douche you know la douche is like always think they're tougher than they are always think they're tougher than they are, always think they're smarter than they are. They're cocky. There's something cocky. And I think part of that is because they're never humbled by the weather. Explain Watts. Explain Watts.

It's black people. It's a totally different vibe. Oh, you're right. Totally different vibe. Good point. I was talking about I was coming home from a fire once. One time we were filming Fear Factor and we were driving and it was during the crazy wildfires. I was coming home from a fire once. It was a fire.

We had to evacuate. And we had finished the stunt. We got done in time. But when we got on the highway for an hour, I mean a full hour of going 55 miles an hour. Not fast. No one was driving fast. But it was highway speeds. The whole right side

of the highway was engulfed in flames as far as you could see. It was crazy. But one of the things I remember is how polite everybody was. People were using their blinkers and people were waving. And I looked around and everybody was scared and slack-jawed. When you deal with snow, like if you go up to Maine during a snowstorm, I was driving up north during a snowstorm and my car broke down and i had to like hang out with the people in the toll booth like they took

me in because it was too cold for me to be outside they hooked me up and and but everybody was friendly can we get you some coffee you know like every why because they're all banding together you know because there's this fucking crazy thing outside that could kill all the people has not been my experience with New Yorkers and Bostoners. Yeah, there's a lot of the urban pressure that comes with that, too, the giant numbers. The giant numbers of people is a problem because people get dehumanized by the pressure. But I think overall, people on the East Coast are more realistic. They're more realistic in their behavior, more realistic in the way they think about themselves.

They might be cocky, they might be arrogant, but it's a different version of it than you get in California. California is missing the element of the weather. You never have to consider it. You never have to worry. I just think it has the opposite effect. I think you just can flourish as a person. You can do that too. Sure. I mean, it's basically

how you look at it. I don't think it hurts you, but I think it might hurt a dummy. I think you're living in the East Coast and hurricanes come come and you've got to fucking batten down the hatches for the hurricane. You get out, it kind of puts things into perspective. When you get out there and you see trees ripped out of their roots and fucking windows broken in houses and cars fucking flipped over.

Like that puts it into perspective. Like you ain't shit, you know, and everybody better band together because there's some other stuff out there besides people and it can fucking kill people. And some of it is air. How about that? How about the air becomes a scary monster that rips fucking buildings off its foundations, wipes out entire towns.

People are running around worried about vampires. Fuck vampires. Tornadoes are way scarier than vampires, you know? Vampire can't just destroy your house and send it flying through the air. Who's worrying? Fat girls. A lot of fat girls. They're hoping for a vampire

to come. I don't know if they're hoping. They like to believe. Isn't it funny that they like to combine those two? Vampires and romance. Yeah. Something about him being undead Is sexy Why? He can never leave you?

Maybe it's that It's also that The futility, the obvious futility Of the relationship Because unless he kills her and eats her Or unless he turns her into a vampire She can't stay with him Because she's going to grow old

And he's going to be young forever And it's like this romance And the fact that he loves her and, you know. Just a metaphor for, you know, everyone has problems. Yeah, the ultimate sign of romance if you agree to spend the rest of your life with a woman. Yeah. But if you agree to make that life an eternity. Yeah.

How much more so romantic would that be? Yeah. And there's also the forbidden love, the fact that he's supposed to be dangerous, but no one knows. Everybody thinks he's a monster, but you know the real him. And around you, he's safe. But around other men, he pulls his fangs out and everybody runs and they want to kill him. Stop. You don't know him.

You don't know him. And you're like, look at yourself. You're dating a vampire. Yeah. Stop it. She let a vampire fuck her. Ugh. In the Twilight movies, they've fucked a vampire, fucked the shit out of her. Really? Yeah. Would they fucked a vampire. A vampire fucked the shit out of her.

Really? Yeah. Would you fuck a vampire chick if she gave you life forever? No. Why not? Want some crazy bitch who wants to eat me? No, imagine you fell in love, though. No, listen.

If you see a vampire, kill them. Vampires aren't people. If you see one, you've got to kill them. You've got to stick with team people. There's a reason why we don't have mountain lions just wandering through our streets like you have pigeons. I'd go over. Because pigeons are helpless. I'd go over immediately. You'd fuck her? I'd immediately go over and then start

telling about the mortals I know. Really? Telling on them like I know where they live. Do you say this? I hope you're in jest. I agree. Are you saying this in jest? I would definitely become a mortal. Really? Oh yeah. Why? People want to live longer. Yeah, but what if when you die, okay, if we're talking about vampires, we're talking about something so silly.

But if we're talking about vampires, then we're talking about evil things. And we're talking about if you die, you're going to go to hell. So now hell exists. If vampires exist, hell probably exists too. But you never go to hell because you're undead. You get killed, bro. Oh, you're right. You're not going to want to kill vampires.

And then your soul goes to hell? Yeah, and you're fucked for eternity. That's a good point, because if you accept vampirism, they would have to accept heaven and hell. Because vampirism comes from them being damned by God. Yeah, you gotta accept a bunch of other stupid shit that goes along with it. It just seems like God fucked up there again.

They damned them to eternal life? Yeah. It's like, that's pretty cool. Another fuck-up. Yep. But isn't there like a potion to like turn off being a vampire? Make you drink some kind of blood and then you give up your vampire powers? I don't believe that. That's some shit where people make up. Drink regular blood?

See, all these fucking pussy, cutesy vampires with beautiful hair. That's not what a vampire is supposed to look like. Wooden stake to the heart kills you. Daylight kills you. Garlic kills you. People try all sorts of different variations of the vampire theme. There's a book out called The Strain.

It's like Guillermo del Toro and some other dude wrote a book on vampires. It starts out badass but ultimately completely fizzles and becomes stupid. It becomes almost like they ran out of 10 pages where they had to finish, so they just finished it. And then he shot him and he died.

Sort of, but it's weird in literature form because it seems almost like it was written by two different people. Like one person who really knew... He's a producer and director. He's the guy who did Pan's Labyrinth. Great, great movie. Labyrinth, sorry.

This book is almost like it's written by one person and then the other person finished it, it almost seems like. Because in the beginning, they set everything up badass and it's like really creepy

and suspenseful and you're like, whoa, this is a good fucking book. Like a real page turner. Like I remember I was reading it in Germany and everybody else from the UFC was going to go to some after party.

I purposefully said no I'm kind of tired I went back to my room to read this book because it was that good I was like so addicted to it I was stuck with it but then it turns into a stupid book like the last like 40 pages or something love story all of a sudden you're like what it didn't do that it's just the detail

was gone like all of a sudden it was just and this happened and that happened I was like what are you doing you think Do you think they fixed it in the movie? I don't know. I don't think it's going to be a movie. They were trying to make it a mini-series. Wait, they have billboards up for it. They posted bills. Oh really? Yeah. For the strain? Yeah. Oh wow.

Unless it's for the book. Did the book just come out? No. The second book came out but that was at least a year ago I believe. The second book. Maybe they're making a movie about it. Maybe. I thought they were going to try it. I think the original thing was a treatment for a miniseries, and then he decided to turn it into a book and sell the book. Like two days ago, I started setting the bills for it. Really?

The Strain, the movie. Let's Google that shit. But my point is— It's a Guillermo del Toro. It said don't invite them in or something like that. Or don't— Do you think that Pan's Labyrinth's porn version would be Pan's Lady Up? Wow, they have a trailer out already.

No, I think they'll do better than that. Really? Oh, there's a trilogy. That's what it is. I think it's the book. Oh, so it's a sequel to the book? Yeah, because it doesn't say anything. Oh, the Strain movie. Hmm. Hmm-a-na, hmm-a-na, hmm-a-na. So you're getting Pete on, Brian?

Yeah, it won't happen again. Yeah, okay, it is. It's a real movie. Really? Guillermo del Toro. It's a real movie. But my point about vampires is that these guys did another different take on the vampire. This vampire didn't have fangs.

Yeah, they always throw a re-invent, which I get, but it's like, come on, man. They don't even attack your throat like a regular vampire does. They put a little tiny incision that you can't even see. You can barely see it. It's so stupid. What, they're CSI vampires? It's like a tongue. Their tongue morphs and becomes some little laser fucking razor blade thing.

It's really dumb. It's like Nosferatu. That's what a vampire is supposed to look like, that old one from the 1900s, the one that was like a silent radio. That's a vampire's supposed to look like. That old one from the 1900s, the one that was like silent radio. That's what they're supposed to look like. They're supposed to look like the undead. They're supposed to look like horrible fucking creeps. And they're supposed to have fangs.

And they're supposed to jack your throat. Everything else you're inventing, you're just inventing a new thing. Did you see that Invite Me In movie? Yes. With the chick from Superbad? Yes. That was pretty cool. I saw the original version too i don't remember the name of it one of them's invite me in yeah invite me in is the american version and i forget what the other

one let me in whatever it was i saw both of them but the uh what's that about it's about a girl a little girl who's a vampire it's pretty dope it's it's realistic eight forever yeah or whatever it is perfect age it's just really cool she's fucking eight forever or whatever it is. Perfect age. It's just really cool and super realistic. That's exactly what it is, super realistic. Yes, yes. And sort of sad, not a great ending, not sort of happy. It's sort of like, ugh.

The American one wasn't as good as the foreign one. Well, it was close. I wouldn't say it wasn't as good because whenever you compare something to the old something, you always go, oh, this new Batman's gay. It's just natural. But there's that scene in the tunnel where she jacks that old man. Oh, my God, that was good. That was good and weird.

In the new one, you mean? Yeah, in the new one. The way she did it was frightening. And that chick is good. She's a good actress. Yeah. But that's a real goddamn vampire movie. That's how they're supposed to be.

You can't invent stuff like, oh, they can go out in the sun, but they sparkle. Fuck you. Fuck you. I like the glitter. Fuck you, man. They radiate. You know, it's like, this is not a vampire. This is some fake shit.

This is some fake shit, man. God damn it. It's just romance. He wants his vampires real. Girls want romance. So speaking of romance, your girl's peeing on you again? shit, man. God damn it. It's just romance. He wants his vampires real. Girls want romance. So speaking of romance, your girl's peeing on you again? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know what's happening now.

It happened again. What do you mean? In the middle of the night, she just pees? No, no, no. While we're banging, when she comes, it just explodes. Is she shooting or is it peeing? She's either peeing or she's juicing so hard that it's pee levels of amount. But you said it smelled like pee.

It did. It did smell like pee. All the other stuff smells like pee. But what also I've been noticing is when I'm fucking her, it's gotten to the point where it's so wet that it's making Donald Duck noises. Like that. It's filling up with so much liquid. She needs to get a doctor. You said she's a super nympho.

She vibrates in the car while she's driving. She puts a little vibrator on. Maybe she broke a valve. She wants dick three times a day. Poor Brian is forced to go to a gym now. He's trying to get in shape. Because I can't keep up anymore. It's so much. That's three times is the uh men by the or that she at least has to have it three

times god damn it are you caveman fucking her are you just like whimpering well what happens slowly slide it in luckily you know you figure out a girl what she likes and stuff you just have that one move that just makes them come like crazy right well you just i just have to keep on doing that one move don't say the move because then the next boyfriend will learn yeah it's uh from behind and you're choking her what and you punch her and you punch her you got your drop the elbow to the back of it wait so wait so what happens if you don't do that like what i was like i just can't do it a second or third time today. She gets mad.

She gets mad. So I have to – in my head I'm like, oh, that's not good because then she's going to go somewhere else. And so I have to do it. And what – I've been increasing my blowjob. If you know me, I'm not a huge blowjob fan, but I have to increase that because that gives me some time to be like, all right, I'm ready to do this. Oh, yeah, I know. Bloodshot helps you get hard. Yeah, yeah.

So it's now getting to the point where, I mean, like the other day it was like six times. And it was like, fuck. And then like ten minutes later she goes, fuck me again. I'm like, okay. You know what's hilarious, dude? This is like a scene from the Twilight Zone. This is like an episode of Twilight Zone where a a guy asks for an info and then he can't fucking take it back.

She's like, you better fuck me. You better fuck me, you fucker. She gets mad at you and you fucking freak out. Wait, what does she do when she's gone,

like on the road and stuff? She has a selection of toys. By the way, I don't know if you ever heard of, for women, there's this Vibe, Vibe, or I can't remember what it is.

It's like an iPod for vibrators. It's the best vibrator ever. I forget the name of the company that makes it. An iPod? What do you mean? It has got a USB plug in it, so you just hook it up to your laptop to charge it. And that's what charges it? Yeah, that's what charges it.

And it's got like 1,000 different settings. You can download settings maybe? Yeah, it's crazy. settings. You could download settings, maybe? Yeah, it's crazy. But, yeah, no, she's... Yeah, we think, like, that vibration programs would sort of be like, you know, you get an elliptical machine, it simulates stairs.

They could do that in the vibrator. Hard, fast. So, she's constantly trying to get off. Yeah, non-stop. She seriously spends most of her time. It's really cool that you're dating normal folks now. Well, I always equate obsessive sexual behavior with distraction.

I always say that whenever in my life that I've been obsessed sexually, whether it was obsessed with masturbating or obsessed with fucking, that it's a distraction and that really I was imbalanced. And what I needed to do was get my mind in order and then... And you wouldn't fuck anymore? Yeah. No, not that I wouldn't fuck anymore, but that I wouldn't be obsessive. You know, there's a certain level of fucking or jerking off or anything where you do it even when you're not even horny. You do it because this is the thing you're obsessed with.

This is the thing you're fixating on. So like physically, your dick is limp. You're not horny, but yet you'll be chasing pussy like crazy. Whereas like, there's a big difference between that and like, say if your girlfriend goes out of town for a couple weeks. Yeah, if your girlfriend goes out of town

for a couple weeks and you haven't seen her, and then you grab her and you hug and you kiss, and your dick goes, it's time! And that's that feeling, man, when you grab her ass, hug and you kiss and your dick goes, So slam, son! It's time! And that's that feeling, man, when you grab her ass. Like, oh, fuck yeah. That's real horniness. That's the real deal.

That's the stuff that I miss. Because I'm fucking four times a day. Now it's just like, all right, must fuck, must fuck. Well, that's what I'm thinking about your girl, too. I think she can't really possibly be experiencing that either. She seems to be obsessing. I mean, I understand. The concept of nympho, I always wonder. She's getting all wet. She's getting hard. Yeah, but it's a real thing. possibly be experiencing that either she seems to be obsessing i mean i i understand the concept

of nympho i always wonder she's getting all wet she's getting hard yeah but yeah but it's a girl it's different it's a girl it's different for a girl it's the whole setup is different it just you know it's not like a dick a dick is a highly complicated biomedical condition you know a hard on a hard on is not if a guy had, you know, like if your dick was a bone and you could just fuck all the time, you would wear the skin off that thing. It would look like a rhino horn. It would just be pointy at the tip and all broken down and

scabby and fucking hard and you'd just be fucking all the time. But because of that, your dick is this really complicated sort of an arrangement where everything has to be in line. You have to have the right amount of sexual confidence. You can't have too much liquor.

You can't have too many distractions or bills. There can't be too much noise. Nobody can be screaming at you. If you had a rhino horn dick, you could just fuck it. You know how people scream at you? Stop fucking my ass. Fuck you. I'm fucking her.

Yeah, you got a crazy bone. You never have to worry about it going dead. But anything can cause your boner to stop. You know, you can get in. Have you ever gotten in an argument in the middle of fucking? Yeah. I thought of bills sometimes where something's really wearing on me or, like, getting some parts. Yeah, you can do that.

It's just so distracting. You're like, oh, fuck. And then your dick starts going limp. Yeah. Yeah. There's a girl that I dated a long-ass time ago who used to argue about everything she always wanted to argue and she would argue while we're fucking we're fucking she would just start arguing and i i had to pull out i had to pull out and stop what what i go you're a fucking crazy person what we're having

sex and you can't stop arguing start fucking her in you start fucking her in the ass. No, no, no. That's when you run away before she kills you. You've got the wrong advice, Brian. That's terrible advice. Yeah, so I don't know what to do. I think it might be a doctor thing though. Lately, it's just too wet. I think it's a psychological thing. I mean, I don't know physically.

Everyone's different, obviously. You're much different than me. I'm much different than Ari. There's levels. I mean, some people are autistic. I'm sure some girls are sexually, just chemically imbalanced to some point of nymphomania, like it's a physical thing. But I also believe that a lot of the cases of nymphomania is distractions. It's just like a man being obsessed with beating off.

You can call that guy a nymphomaniac. But like a girl is just like having a rhino dick. Is it because of distraction's because he's distracted. What are you saying? You're saying it's distraction. The reason why they're doing it is because they're looking for a distraction. From something else they should be doing?

From their life. From focusing on your life. If you have issues and things that make you insecure. Things where you haven't accomplished what you want to. Things where you're not at a place where you need to be emotionally. Gambling. All those things. They're not at a place where you need to be emotionally. Yes, yes, gambling, all those things. They're all completely related to an imbalance in your system, an imbalance of the human being. When I get in the isolation tank, the number one thing, the number one theme when I get in there is sorting out things that are bothering me. It forces me to consider all the things that are bothering me.

The isolation tank is the exact opposite of going to a hooker. See, if you've got some shit going on, you're like, oh, I'll just call this bitch up right now. She'll suck my dick for $500. And you get crazy and you start going into a hooker frenzy. I don't know. I'm just making up a number. But I know dudes who are addicted to hookers.

I know dudes who would always bring hookers out to clubs, and they would always pick up hookers. And they had hookers that were constantly texting them, hey, babe, I'm here. And they were spending thousands of dollars on hookers. And those guys were all fucked up in the head, all of them. There was all sorts of imbalance. It wasn't a horniness. It was an obsession.

And a lot of that obsession is because you don't like certain parts of your own life, and you're trying to not think about your problems. So instead of thinking about your problems, you think about beating off, or you think about gambling, or you think about anything else. Sucking cards. Yeah, whatever the fuck it is that you become obsessed with. Video games, you know? Anything where you become obsessed to the point where it's not even enjoyable.

What that is almost always is you trying to avoid some shit that's really bothering you. You're trying to ignore it. It's anti-evolutionary. You're in a rut behavior. You're like a crazy rat sitting in the corner bobbing back and forth waiting for your heroin. It's completely

unproductive. So your girlfriend's crazy. You need to take your girlfriend to a doctor. Take her to a psychologist. Or maybe go to one of those car washes with the vacuum cleaner. Suck out all the juice. Sometimes people need to talk to somebody about their shit. Have you asked her what it is, if it's pee?

Well, she's got some issues. Well, she doesn't know. It just started like two days ago where it's just, I mean, seriously, when we're having sex, it's really loud. It's like Donald Duck on a carousel. That doesn't bother me as much as the constantly wanting to fuck all the time. When someone, I always think that it's like, just fuck me, get me, stop thinking about this, just come on, fuck me. I want to feel something. If you know her past and you've talked about her issues in her past, she really needs to go to someone and sit down and talk to somebody that's what she needs to do i mean i think a lot of

people need that man it's not it's not a bad thing it's not a weak thing other people can help you see the problem is she was talked about going to a sex uh addiction anonymous type thing but the problem is i don't want her going there where with other sex addicts that just seems like a bad idea yeah you'll go there and some dude looks like the new Conan, some 6'4", fucking swarthy, handsome bastard with giant pectorals and a fucking iron eel-shaped dick.

I would say that if a girl looks like your girlfriend wants to get laid, she would have zero problems. So you're saying I should go to the sex addiction thing to pick up girls. What I'm saying is, if somebody wants to fuck her, she's going to fuck. She doesn't need to be around other sex addicts to do that. It's very unfortunate.

She can get dick at the subway. I need to start throwing burning wax on her face once in a while. 12-inch tuna. 12-inch tuna. It's called the chastity belt. Bring it back, dude. Get a pussy eaten. Bring it back to the chastity belt.

No, honey, don't wear your seat belt. Just listen. Stop being scared. Look, you're going to die, okay? There's no stability to any of this shit. The sun's going to die. The sun only has a billion years left or whatever the fuck it has. Six billion years, whatever the fuck they predict.

This is all temporary, bro. You're fucking this really hot girl. Just enjoy it. Be nice to her, enjoy it, and get that bitch a doctor. She needs a doctor. She wants too much dick. It's ridiculous. Or, you know, I don't know.

What the fuck do I know? Am I an expert on this? I don't even have a vagina. Men are such non-experts in the vagina. No one has completely isolated what squirting is. I mean, think about every single fucking function of the man's body. Figure it out. Yeah.

Every single function of the man's body has been cleverly analyzed. It's a little watery. But the woman's body has a Loch Ness Monster. I think they're hiding something. That's what squirting is. Squirting is like the big foot of the woman's body. Like, what is this? Is this real?

What is this? Is it a UFO? Squirting is like fucking paranormal. Nobody knows what the fuck that is. There's a lot of debate about whether or not that's piss. There's a lot of debate about whether you should be impressed by it or not. Yeah. Ew.

Or if you should drink it. Websites. I'm going to try to bring some next time I'm here so you can look at it and smell it and tell me what you think. I'm not going to smell it. Yeah, bring it in. I'll smell it. You will? Fuck yeah, I'll smell it on camera.

Will you taste it? Will you rub it on your chest? I'll rub a little around my nipple. But that's just for coloring. Just around the nipple. Imagine if it made me super sensitive and I started crying. Like it's soaked in here. Leaked into my pores.

Oh my God. They say that men's loads actually help cure depression in women. Really? Yeah, believe it or not. That there's something in male semen when absorbed by the woman's body the reaction actually uh alleviates depression and whatever so maybe that's why she wants dick all the time it could be that did a male scientist do this research yeah we should i should before reference condoms uh condoms wow ew really that's the ability to use condoms? Condoms. Wow. Ew, really? That's the problem. You're not giving her any real dick.

That's what you have to tell people. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. Semen acts as an antidepressant. It's in a science journal, man. This is a new scientist. Hey, you just got an STD test. How did that go?

Hold on. Before we get into that, this is really true. Semen actually makes you happy. The remarkable conclusion of a study comparing women whose partners wear condoms with those whose partners don't that's the problem dude you're wearing condoms wink wink yeah the study is bound to pervert provoke controversy okay this is sort of anecdotal evidence they could have just got lucky and found 10 people fuck people fuck it feels better i don't think semen makes you better when you fuck without a condom it feels better yeah you know you could just say that you know people heard

girls calling it with a condom calling it like it's like getting a massage with your t-shirt on oh wow that's a good way of putting it yeah yeah yeah that's probably why they feel better about their relationships because the sex actually feels really fucking good you know it probably has nothing to do with you should talk to people who pull out but nobody wants to admit they pull out nobody wants to admit they're so stupid that that's their method of that's their method of birth control you know you could you could analyze them you know nobody wants to admit that man there's a bit from my act and it's absolutely fucking true how i made my first daughter that was 100 pulling

out that was all pulling i pulled the fuck out i didn't leave it in there i wasn't drunk i know what i was doing it doesn't matter there's some really determined sperm that will make shit happen so don't don't try the pullout method i used to i used to only do pull out now there's a lot god you're so lucky yeah well it's hard it's not as easy to knock someone up as easy to think. Because when we were trying to have the second baby, I fucked her a lot. And I was always shooting loads in there. Yeah, dog. Yeah.

Give me some nuggets, bro. Yeah, but it took like a couple of months. I was like, Jesus Christ. Really? I was fucking you every day. You know, this is getting ridiculous. You know, around the time when she was ovulating, whenever she was ovulating, it was a mall session.

I fucked the shit out of her for like seven, eight days in a row she said all right we're gonna make some babies i got fired up smoke a lot of weed listen to some good music and go and just fucking attack you know yeah but it doesn't always work man it took a few months of that i shot loads in her every single day that she was ovulating and it still took months eddie bravo you know it's taking him he's trying to have a baby i shouldn't talk about that he i don't know if he wants to release that my girlfriend played a practical joke on me because uh she did we got a birth control test the other day at target and she got a red sharpie and made the mark so it was pregnant and she just laid it on the bathroom floor and and didn't say anything you say it's a practical joke but she probably wanted to see

your reaction because every girl every girl deep down inside wants to have babies. Yeah, well, my actual reaction was, God, yes. And I gave her a hug and I was like, oh, my God, really? No. I was like, if there's any man child that's not quite. God damn it, Brian. If you really told me if you had a baby, I was like, I flashed in my head, okay, I got to get him to join the army. He needs to become a man. I was like, what are you getting out of this now?

I was just shocked and saddened. I was thinking, can you get a guy in boot camp without having him be in the actual army? I don't want him to go overseas, but he needs to fucking – He needs to go straight to being a cook. He needs to go to Afghanistan and fucking run around with a backpack on. He needs to become a man. You guys know I'd be an awesome dad. You would be a good dad.

You're great with your – Look, he got so depressed that his cat hurt her foot and he started smoking. Okay? He's very concerned. No, you would not be a good dad. That's why I always tell Eddie Bravo he'd be a great dad because he's fucking... He dotes over his bunnies. He's so into bunnies. I'm like,

dude, wait until you have a kid. There's so much responsibility. What, kids? They are. They're an amazing amount of responsibility. You can't procrastinate at all with them. No, you can't. But Louis C.K. told me this once. You get more shit done when you have kids because you don't sit around and just fart around and think about getting things done. You only have a certain amount of time. It forces you to work.

Oh, by the way, tonight Doug Stanhope is on Louis. Oh, he is? Oh, cool. Awesome. I saw Doug on the Green Room episode with Janine Garofalo. He went after Janine Garofalo. And he went after Janine Garofalo. What did he go after for? What did he say?

Well, because the day after 9-11, she was on stage in Texas saying that we need to support the president, support George Bush. And then she changed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Yeah. You know, that whole fucking liberal intellectual with one finger in the air that they moistened to check out the fucking political wind. Which way is it blowing? Which way is it blowing? Which way is it blowing?

I don't mind people changing their mind. I totally care about that. But then you're going to harshly judge everyone who hasn't changed their mind fast enough yet? But she denied it, which is much more interesting. Oh, really? It's much more interesting to watch someone deny it. And what, there was video of it?

Yeah. How'd she deny it? Well, I had, but why? You know, it just didn't happen. And Doug was very adamant about it. Because I remember him telling me about it, how ridiculous he thought it was when it happened at the time. Why would you ever fucking support any of these fucks that are running this country? They're all goddamn criminals.

Everything they do that's legal should be illegal. Everything they do that's secret should be open. Transparency in government is the number one reason why all this shit can take place. I firmly believe that they have fake spies and fake data breaches and fake hacks just so they can tighten down security and just so they can make more things secret. I really truly believe

that. I think if I was trying to run shit the way this United States government has run, the way they constantly take in money. What do you think the reason would be for them to make things secret? Money! All money. Hiding where the money goes. Hiding money. What do you think the reason would be for them to make the secret? Money. All money. Hiding where the money goes. Hiding money. Well, look, you know about this whole thing where there was a bailout.

We thought it was a certain amount of money. And it turned out to be $16 trillion in secret bailouts. Yeah, because Ron Paul and someone else audited the Fed, and they got a detailed list. You didn't hear about this? $16 trillion. it couldn't be 16 trillion bro look secret 800 billion to 16 trillion secret bailouts hold on i'll read you the article and these are in mainstream publications 20 times as much as they audit of the federal reserve reveals 16 16 trillion dollars in bailouts this is not just on one site. This is on many, many sites.

And it's the first ever government accountability office audit of the Federal Reserve was carried out in the past few months due to Ron Paul, Alan Grayson amendment to the Dodd-Frank bill, which passed last year. And Jim DeMint, Republican senator, and Bernie Sanders, an independent senator, led the charge bill which passed last year and jim de mint uh republican senator and bernie sanders an independent senator led the charge for the federal reserve audit in the senate but watered down the original language of the house blah blah blah blah blah blah blah what was revealed in the audit was startling 16 trillion trillion listen to this but there's a bunch of websites with a very similar article, but listen to the trillion. Listen to how many zeros. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

12 fucking zeros. That is $16,000 billion. That's what that is. It's amazing. And this is $16 trillion had been secretly given out to U.S. banks and corporations and foreign banks everywhere from France to Scotland. The period between December 2007 and June 2010, the Federal Reserve had secretly bailed out many of the world's banks, corporations, and governments. The Federal Reserve likes to refer to these secret bailouts as an all-inclusive loan program, but virtually none of the money has been returned, and it was loaned out at 0% interest.

Wow. Now, why isn't this on mainstream news? What news source is that? What do you mean? There's a lot of different. I'll find this one. This website's called The Plain Truth. But it's been on The Daily Cause.

It's been on KOS, which is like a real liberal news source. But it was in the Huffington Post. It was in, I know, Secret Bill. I'll write Huffington Post because I know it was in that too. We need you to collect that money, Ari. Do the Bobby Lee choke method. And people are like, the fucking Huffington Post is not. It's a liberal rag.

It is true. $16 trillion. The Huffington Post is more reputable. Let's try CNN. Let's try CNN. Yeah, CNN has it too. $16 trillion is whatever we said we spent on bailouts. That's 20 times.

20 of those. Yeah. In secret. On top of the one we did for real that people argued against. Yeah. This one's saying $9 trillion. This other press corps, that's the Canadian website saying $9 trillion. Either way, it's okay.

MarketObservation.com. There's a lot of websites that have this story. Well, there's only one that has $9 trillion. Everything else seems to be sticking with between $13 and $16 trillion. Like totally adding it up? Yeah, there's a lot of websites, man. I mean, the Google hits, I got 4,200,000 results. Wow.

So it's obviously, this has been talked about on a bunch of different websites. Speaking of politics, I'll be in Washington, D.C. Oh, what a fucking segue! What a segue! Where are you going to be? The Atlas Performing Arts Center. How come you're not at the improv Those cunts

Are they not booking you? No they won't book me What kind of ridiculous shit is that? Listen you dirty bitches Just because Ari Shafir Came up at the improv Does not mean That he can't go there

And headline I love that improv Don't be cunty I like Allison Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Headliner Ari Shafir Listen we'll make you a deal

We'll pump it up on Twitter. We'll talk about it on the podcast. That's what we're doing with the Atlas Performing Arts Center. And you know what we're going to do? We're going to pump it up the same way we're going to pump it up this weekend, August 13th in Milwaukee, Wisconsin at the Pabst Theater. Oh, that'll be fun. Holler at your boy.

Have you ever played Wisconsin before? Yes, a long time ago. Brian, we still need to put that Denver date up on the Ustream page. It is up. No, on this one. Hit refresh. I did. Just did.

What the fuck? Yeah, I don't know. Something happened. When are you going to Denver? That's September 23rd. What are you playing? The Paramount Theater. Holler at your boy!

I used to do the Comedy Works, but joe diaz cannot get booked at the comedy works and i get tired of going to denver and everybody asking yeah and uh you know is wendy promoting that or somebody else i think she's had something to do with her too but she can't stop can't stop joey diaz from coming into town yeah it's like what are you guys doing something that happened 20 years ago he had the most ridiculous version of that story too his version of the story is that the girl, she was on a stage, she jumped off the stage, I catched her, and I had her ass in my hand for a brief second. Yeah.

And comics talk through into saying that that was sexual harassment. I bet it's a lot of comics just not being cool with the crazy shit that happens at comedy clubs. Like somebody complaining. Well, Joe Diaz-style craziness. Joe Diaz is perfectly fitted to the comedy store. Yeah. You know when he talks about that girl that he got to suck

his dick every time she got on stage in the belly room. She had to suck his dick. Who was that? Some girl. But she quit comedy and then she sent a letter to the comedy store. So angry that he did that. And Joey talks about it and laughs. Animals there.

They're animals. I love it. He was probably running it like that in Colorado. You know, knowing the Joey that we know from back in the day. He was making a party. Yeah. He was making a party and someone panicked and, you know, some fucking really white guy probably. Yeah. Just couldn't handle it.

I mean, Joey Diaz was a criminal from New Jersey who all of a sudden lived in Colorado and was robbing people with machine guns and fucking kidnapping cocaine dealers. That's the best. But not real kidnapping. I just robbed somebody's cocaine stash with a machine gun. Yeah, why? Dude. That's so much better. I love it.

I love it so much. Let me tell you something. He was so hard. Yeah. Oh, he was crazy. It's amazing how nice he is. He was so hard. He was a straight criminal.

It's great. It's a complete change. He went on a 10-minute rant about how the weed sucked the last time we had a podcast. He was calling it Susquehanna weed. Susquehanna was a hat company from the Laurel and Hardy show. I had to calm him down

for five minutes before he explained it. I love when he goes off on rants. He was going so crazy. Give me this fucking Susquehanna weed. This fucking... What is he saying? Is that like a... You know how Joey Diaz mispronounces words? I thought he was saying like Hannah Montana weed. So he's calling it Susquehanna. That's what I thought I was like, what is he saying? Is that like a – you know how Joey Diaz mispronounces words? I thought he was saying like Hannah Montana weed. So he's calling it Susquehanna. That's what I thought he was calling it.

Yeah, me too, right? You did. I like that name better anyway. Susquehanna weed is hilarious. But what it was is – here's a tip, ladies and gentlemen. Don't do this with your weed. Don't grind your weed up in a coffee grinder. I've done that for a little bit, and it's a matter of how many times you press it down

because the weed gets chopped up really quick. Have you put it in bowls or vaporizer like that? That is a good move. Yeah. A vaporizer works like that because you don't have to worry in a vaporizer about sucking the air through it. But when you roll a joint with it and it's powder, it's too hard to get oxygen through, and so I don't think you get as high.

So that's what Joey was responding to the other day. That and the fact that he was in traffic for like an hour and a half getting here. Sometimes it's so hard to get here. Screaming at his, don't you get a bike, you fuck. He made a video of it. It's hilarious. While he was driving in here? Yes, yes.

And he showed it to us after the show. So we're going to add that video to the end of the blog videos that we do. Oh, that's funny. You go to JoeRogan.net. There's always blog videos. He'll send it to us. He'll send it to us. That's a funny video.

It sounds like. Yeah, and if it doesn't, if he lives on the street from you, you can just go to his house and upload it. I'll just recreate it. Recreate it? You know, why would you recreate it? But what he did was perfect. The way he said it was perfect.

He's fucking screaming at people and going nuts because he's stuck in traffic. We're going to put the Buffalo together. You are? Yeah. When? September 17th. September 17th. At the town ballroom.

You and Joey? Yeah. Who booked this? This guy contacted us and let Joey work out the details. It was just fucking, yeah. September 17th? Is that what you said? Uh-huh.

Nice. September 17th is Saturday. There's said? Uh-huh. Nice. September 17th is Saturday. There's a UFC that night in New Orleans. Oh, really? Yeah. That's so awesome. Yeah, that should be good, man. So what is the name of the place?

The Town Ballroom. The Town Ballroom? C-O-W-N-E. Well, make sure you come on. Both of you guys come on that week. Okay. And there's, yeah, you know what we'll do? I have that Wednesday open. I'm not filming Fear Factor that week. Okay. And there's, yeah, you know what we'll do? I have that Wednesday open.

I'm not filming Fear Factor that Wednesday, so we'll do a podcast with you and Joey that Wednesday, and we'll talk about that weekend. Yeah.

I think I'm going to try to hit New York for a few days after that. We've got to do a daytime podcast, a nighttime podcast. Joey gets too angry. What nighttime?

Oh, how's Fear Factor going? Is that why you did nighttime? Yeah, I had to film all day. It's going easy. It's easy as fuck, man. It's the easiest job in show business. Three days for an episode. You know, the easy stunt is where they have to eat things.

Those usually take a couple hours. The other days take like five hours, six hours. Yeah, set up everything. It's fucking easy, man. It's going into a show. Like, the people were running it. They're saying people that ran it the long. Yeah. They ran it the old days.

It's the same people. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing. It's easiness. It's just easy money. What was that? I don't know. It just dropped off the sound. You know what that is?

That's that limiter that we have on now. The keep the Joey Diaz sounds from getting too crazy. Oh, so if we don't make any sounds, it drops off extra hard? It just turns off the mouse. Oh, that's funny. Like a Prius. Yeah. Yeah.

That's funny. It's like a shitty hybrid. Yeah, it just stops recording when no one's talking. Have you ever thought about buying one of those? Hybrid? Yeah. I'm getting a Leaf. A Leaf?

A Leaf or a Volt, one of those all-electric cars. Yeah. I'm sold on it. Really? All the details I've read, you buy two batteries, you charge one in your house, you keep one going. They give you all these tax

incentives to get one. Really? If you get a home charger, they give you a ton more tax incentives. I'm talking about like $4,000 to $8,000 for each one to go towards the cost of a car. And then the amount of oil it takes is virtually none. One of them has almost none, the other one has completely electric.

And how long can it go? So one of them is a hybrid. Which one's the hybrid? I think that's the Chevy Volt. The Volt's a hybrid. I think the Nissan Leaf is the only all-electric car. Hmm. And so with both of them, yeah, I think hybrid is where you're going.

You keep an extra battery in the car. Yeah. And they said this. They said more stuff can go wrong. Wrong. There's only one thing. The engine is way simpler. You just took out this battery,

put another one in. Nothing can go wrong. Way more can break on a regular car. They have Priuses down pretty good right now. Yeah, and they have an even better thing. I think if you're somewhere and you need fucking energy, you can't rely just on energy. You have to have gas. Because what if this whole

thing fails and they decide, yeah, fuck this. You at least want your car to be able to take gas. Fuck what? What if the whole thing fails? Civilization. You know how it is. What if these batteries become, you know, like they stop making the car. The company goes out of business.

Nissan? Jesus Christ, bro. Nissan and Chevy go out of business? Just like how many Pontiac or just like all the other cars still make the things yeah yeah maybe so they stopped they stopped making these batteries so how long would it have to be ebay for 50 million dollars each how long would it have to be well how long would it have to be or when it's around until you get a car like that i i will get a hybrid i'll get a like a prius type thing or how long would electrical stuff have to be around before you

say okay it's going to be around it's not just going to end all of a sudden. When all the batteries are the same for every single car. Oh, what's the law? We're completely, you have to get that car. That's the only time you'll switch. You know the way I feel now? I'm way before that. The way I feel where I know that there's some sort of a peak oil situation and we're slowly going to run out of resources and electric cars will slowly take over. I fucking love driving a big, fat, stupid V8 right now.

Because I know these are the last of the Mohicans. I never get any pleasure out of that. My Mustang, dude. I like going fast. Why don't you drive my Mustang? I'll let you drive it. You've been in that thing before. You want to drive it?

You'll get it once you drive it. Once you get behind that thing in that all-aluminum block, 550 fucking horsepower, the snarl of four-inch tailpipes. Come on! Can they not make a fast car like that it won't sound right it won't be right it'll be cool they have a tesla the tesla roadster that's a very fast car yeah yeah the tesla roadster is a very fast car and it's uh it's interesting because it's a little sports car but it's all balanced all fucked i got a honda right now so i'm not getting that joy anyway right i know you're not getting the joy but you should you should you because you

have you drive a five six speed right your car's not speed yeah your car is a it's a manual yeah it's a manual yeah manual yeah well if you have a manual man you know what it's like to shift all the time okay that's what you're doing all day datsun i like manuals yeah i like them for real cars i don't like them for traffic but i like them i like them for real cars man when you drive a mustang and it's you know one of those gt500s and a manual and you shift through the fucking gears you feel it though you feel the mechanics you engage the gear yourself you let off a lot more how long you're going to go in overdrive yeah you downshift you know how much speed you can get you can't do that with an automatic car.

You're just hoping it keeps shifting at the right time. You have – yeah. Well, you can definitely – today they have these called double clutch boxes. Like M3 has a double clutch box. And what that is is an automatic, but it's a standard. Like you can set it up to shift gears where you could rev it up as far as you want and use the paddles to shift gears like all the Ferraris. So you can do it yourself like a bike. The new Ferraris do that now.

Like a bicycle. Exactly. Wow. So you can rev it a little higher while still trying to speed up. Exactly. You can rev it to as long as your heart's content. But you shift with the paddles and it's instantaneous. The shifts are like one fraction of a section.

Many, many cars have it now. What's it called? Porsche has it. It's called a double clutch gearbox. Double, okay. And what it means is it's actually a seven speed. Wow. The M3 has one.

And it's a seven speed. And what it is is there's one gear that's inside. One gear. You're engaged one gear. And then the clutch will already pick up the second gear. So as you're shifting gears, the next gear is like instantaneous. So as you're shifting gears, the next gear is instantaneous. When it releases the first gear and picks up the second gear, it does it with no downtime. When you're shifting in a regular car, you have to press on the accelerator.

You go to neutral when you hit the clutch. You put it in the second gear, and then you release the clutch, and now it's in second gear. With this thing, you don't. It's first gear, second gear. It's instantaneous. That electric car, how long does it take to charge a battery? Like 12 hours? No, not nearly that long.

You can charge it overnight. You can have an iPod program that sets it to charge during non-peak hours. Each charge is what, 80 miles? No, way more than that. You've got to look at the research. It's way better than what you think. I'm telling you, look into the stats. They're most about 300 right now.

Because right now you're asking me to quote yourself and I don't know what the stats are. You guessed 80 and I don't know. He got excited. So you want to drive... Here you're trying to make points on stuff we're all just guessing. Here's what the point was. 80 miles would be way too little.

80 miles would not be realistic. You want to drive to Texas. So you need 7 batteries would not be you want to drive to texas okay so you need seven batteries uh-huh no you fill up the gas stations yeah they have hold on a second 20 listen to you laughing like anyone's driving to texas yeah when the fuck is the last time you drove to texas you're like oh you need seven batteries they have a 20 minute road trip okay yeah listen wait a minute hold, Ari. This thing only gets 99 miles. 99 miles total? The Leaf? Per charge.

Yeah. Yes. So you want to go to Vegas? You got to bring three batteries. That ain't shit. Or you just have to stop at 99 miles. And then charge for six hours? How long does it take to charge a battery?

Here's what I like. That you got happy that it wasn't as good as 300 miles. No, because. Because you had made the point earlier. Because it's been in my Mustang. It's not for your point of miles. No, I'm just you had made the point earlier. It's not your point of miles. No, I'm just saying that if you're going to get a car, for the most part, get a mix. You don't want all batteries, is what I'm saying.

If I could get 300 miles, I would want a better. If I get to go 300 miles on a charge. Actually, this is up to 100 miles, which means you're probably going to get like 60. How much is a volt? That doesn't seem like it should be on the market yet. Yeah. Well, you know what? The EPA has rated the Nissan Leaf a driving range of 73 miles.

Per charge. Range will vary with driving habits, conditions, weather, and battery age. But 73 miles? That's not nearly as good. That's whack. And it's ugly as fuck. Dude, I'm going to take you to the Ford website and show you a GT500. You know what I do want to get?

Take some of that fucking commercial money. I want to get one of those little micro cars. What cars? The little baby micro smart cars. Smart cars? Yeah. Just for, like, driving to the store. Yeah.

Easy to park. Totally easy to park. It's so small. Smart cars. They're not as bad as you think safety-wise. Yeah. No fun. You don't feel the growl of the V8.

Well, I mean, just a little bit. I'm just a small-ass. You can get out of your car and get into that store. You don't like that? That doesn't give you a thrill? That's when I'm getting on an open highway. Ari, how old are you? 37.

You're going to like it in about five years. Like what? Open highways, cool. You know what's great, though? Windy roads. That's when it's great to have a fun car. Oh, yeah. I get too scared now.

You don't even have to drive fast. You don't have to drive fast. Just the feeling of, you know, just a little bit of a windiness in the road. It makes you... You're controlling the car. You feel the tightness of the suspension. Okay, the Nissan Volt. Jesus Christ.

50 miles. 50 miles? 50 miles on its fucking battery. Oh, that's ridiculous. You can't even get to work. The all-electric range. The EPA. Oh, my God.

Does it recharge the battery? The all-electric range, to the EPA is 35 miles. You get stuck on traffic on the 405? The total range is 379 miles. That means if you've got a gas tank, your fuel economy is through the roof.

It's 93 miles per gallon. That's incredible. That's if you go in 37 miles 37 yeah it's 37 miles an hour do they have the recharge thing like the uh where the brakes recharge it okay this is what it is it goes it's 93 miles per gallon in all electric mode i don't understand that and 37 miles per gallon in gasoline-only mode.

Okay. So I guess you have the option. So a combined gas and electric fuel economy rating of 60 miles per gallon. My car gets 15. 15? My car gets 15. And that's what it's rated at. So it probably gets 10.

My car gets like 27 or something. I need to switch my car, but I want an SUV, and I don't want... I think they have the Ford Edge. Why do you like an SUV so much? This is kind of interesting, though, the Chevy Volt. Yeah, what is it? What it does is it operates on pure battery power until its battery capacity is depleted, at which point it fires up the engine.

So then the gasoline engine powers an electric generator to extend the vehicle's range so that how it operates it mostly operates on electricity as long as you have enough power in there so it's almost like that's why it wasn't the same as a prius yeah i was like how is it different if it's half and half it's not quite half and half it definitely seems like a better move than the volt because at least we can get gas yeah you're talking about the volt yeah yeah yeah the yeah the volt is better than the leaf because it's the hybrid seems to be the way to go yeah because 76 miles unless you're just driving five miles back and forth to work there's not that's not really realistic at all any road trip is you're fucked i always yeah i always think what if i had to go on a road trip and i know you

say there was some sort of 70 charge you can get in 20 minutes really um yeah like a quick charge on uh i don't know one of them but um but the problem is you don't want to stop and have to do that in 60 miles. That's weak. But this thing sounds better. This thing can go 379 miles, and this is like a normal car. You just go and you get gas, and it can keep going. And that one you can keep shifting. Yeah.

They just have weak-ass engines. They sound like shit. I know that these are for transportation, but we're going to miss. There's something we're already missing, and transition between the gasoline powered cars like you you you know you get in an old mustang you smell them and yeah we miss the smog we definitely do but we also miss the analog connection between the person and the vehicle this is a fun connection between cars my aunt got up she got a, some nice car once, like a Lexus or an Infinity or something, and it had an analog clock on it.

And I was like, why do you have that? She goes, because it's classier. She was so excited to have this thing. And I was like, it's harder to read.

Why is that classier? Why don't you get a stick shift then? What are you talking about? She writes in cursive too. It's like, well, it's not. It's not easy to read clock.

They do that with Lexuses. Yeah, maybe it was a Lexus. And I'm like, it's just hard. You're looking for a split second kind of easy to read clock. They do that with Lexuses. Yeah, maybe it was a Lexus. And I'm like, it's just hard. You're looking for a split second to see what time it is. You're not supposed to figure out where the big hand is. Isn't it funny that digital watches never really caught on? No.

Especially if you want to be classy. Like, you know, get yourself a Rolex. Get yourself a nice, you know, a nice Cartier. Yeah, not digital. It's so much easier to read. I know. More exact. You don't have to wind it.

What is it? What is it about that? It's all aesthetic. It's got to be all aesthetic. They used to make Corvettes with digital speedometers, and it was so weak. Oh, really? You'd hear the growl of the engine. You'd hit the gas.

You'd put the fucking foot in gear. You'd put the clutch in gate. You'd see the digital numbers. What kind of stupidity is this? Something about it. You want to see a needle move. You want to see it. You don't want to just.

Did they have a remake of the Cuda? Because I swear to God, I saw a brand new Cuda the other day, or Barracuda. Yeah, the Challenger. That's what it is. Yeah. Challenger and Barracuda, they shared a lot of the same body shape and a lot of the same panels. Is that the Challenger with the Hemi engine? Well, you know, there's some with Hemis, some not.

How are those cars? They look awesome. Chris has one. Aubrey, excuse me. Aubrey. Aubrey. Did you know that Aubrey, I'm going to tell you this before I forget, he runs a nails website? Oh, I found out about this.

Yeah, my girlfriend told me about this. Alpha Nails. Yeah. The same dude that sells Alpha Brain, which is legit. You made fun of guys wearing nails on that podcast, I believe, at one point. And then I looked over and I'm like, he's wearing these. I did? Yeah, he said something.

I think I made fun of dudes getting pedicures. Yeah, but I think, or you were like, hey, were those people that get nail polish? No. And I'm like, I look over. I've never done that. Really? I don't think I've ever made fun of dudes getting pedicures. Yeah, but I think, or you were like, or those people that get nail polish. No, I've never done that. Really? Are you sure? I've made fun of guys getting pedicures. I've made fun of guys like, and manicures. I'm sure. I do it all the time.

For manicures, you know, it's just like guys who get like a clear gloss over their fingernails. You're just trying to look pretty. You know, Tate used to do his nails. He's always painting his nails. A lot of MMA guys paint their nails. I used to paint my nails in college and a little bit afterwards. Well, this guy runs a website. Yeah, I forget what it's called.

Alpha Nails. He's got Alpha Brain and Alpha Nails. People that do it, like Dave Navarro says, I love to put a little paint on before going out and sucking some dick. Dave Navarro was on Howard Stern the other day, and I was listening. It was fucking really compelling, especially one part where they said that America's Most Wanted,

they found his mom's murderer. Whose mom's? Dave Navarro's mom? Someone murdered Dave Navarro's mom and found the guy on America's Most Wanted. And that show got canceled. America's Most Wanted, man. They were talking about how many people have been caught because of America's Most Wanted. it's a lot of fucking people got directly because of that or a lot of people they showed got caught got caught directly because that's amazing well if

you think about that show man that does more good than how many people watch millions millions of people are watching it and then that person is a fucking target now he's like fuck turn this off yeah everybody turns man people you know you go you're working at a gas station this guy pulls in yeah like get changed for 20 like you motherfucker and you make a phone call and next thing you know guys before the next exit yeah damn good luck you can't go bonnie and clyde today man it's too hard yeah did you hear about those kids in florida that tried them tried to do a stripper and her two brothers one on a fucking shooting spree and robbing banks with automatic weapons and shit and they went on a fucking shooting spree and robbing banks

with automatic weapons and shit. And they started out in Florida, and they just got caught in Colorado in a shootout. Really? The broad got hit in the leg with a bullet, and they were shooting at the cops. They didn't kill him, though. That's another fake car. That's another warm country. Warm area.

Florida? Yeah. That's another warm area? Yeah. But they have storms, dude. Oh, yeah. Florida has storms. You have to deal with that. Come bank robbers. Florida is another warm area? Yeah. We have storms, dude. Oh, yeah. Florida has storms.

Florida is the land of the lost. We've said it a bunch of times, but it's true. That is the most vacant city or the most vacant state. There's something mentally, emotionally. They're detached. They're fucked up. It's a weird. I like going there. It's a lot of fun. Don't get me wrong. There's a up. It's a weird – I like going there.

It's a lot of fun. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's a lot of cool people there. My fucking parents live there. It's not that everyone there is shitty. But there's so much – so many people moved to Florida to escape and to hide. So many New York gangsters went down to Florida to lay low. It's like New York with good weather.

It's way worse. Mafia style. It's like New York with good weather It's way worse Mafia style It's way worse I would say it's like the worst parts of Jersey There's some rural parts of Florida Like Jacksonville area Or in between Jacksonville and Tampa Swamp land dog That's where we're going to put our compound on

People who live there have real spells That's where we're going to put our compound We're going to make it all out of cement and steel so that no hurricanes can take it down. Like the evil Justice League. Did they have one of that? Yeah, they had an evil Justice League that was in some swampland. Really? Yeah, Justice League of America.

Because if you wanted to be evil, you'd go to a swamp, right? Yeah, no one could see them. It was like the Mix-A-Plix, the anti-Superman, I think. It's tough i was watching this documentary on the congo and people actually tried to move to the congo like wealthy europeans why it came well because there's immense amount of resources in the congo the congo has diamonds and gold and is this you know minerals there's a lot of money to be made in the congo and that's like why there's so much civil war there going on right now so many many people are getting murdered in the Congo because they're trying to rob all the shit out of that region.

That's why all these women are getting raped. The Congo is a terrible, terrible place. That's a great excuse for raping. They go, like, what are you doing raping? Because of the gold. They want to take over villages. They're raping the women. Oh, like in a tent?

They demoralize the men. Demoralize the men. They shoot the young men and rape the women. But these wealthy Europeans at the turn of the century tried to build mansions there. They had all this wood. They have these beautiful mansions in the Congo completely abandoned. It's overrun with jungle and monsters and fucking spiders that act in packs and big cats and chimpanzees. I mean, you can't fucking just build a house there, dude, and play polo in your backyard because you got some money.

Like a lot of really wealthy people are like, this is an amazing place. We're going to build a home here. And this is back when people didn't even have powerful boats. They didn't have planes. They didn't have cars. But they're moving fucking big boards and all this construction equipment in there, and they're trying to build houses in the

Congo. Wow. Look. That's just like building in a swamp. It's the same thing. Look at these body kits for these electric cars. If you search Google for body kits, they have little Lambos, little Porsches. Look at that. Are have like little Lambos, little Porsches. Look at that.

Wait, are those like mini cars? Yeah, these are like little Corvettes. Wait, these fit in your hand? No, no, no. These you drive. Scroll up. Scroll up. Scroll up a little bit. Oh, so you put like a different body? The middle one, that Corvette GT. That is, I mean the Carrera GT,

the Porsche, that is nasty. And that's like a smart car? Yeah, it's just like body kits you can buy for those smart cars. How much are they? I don't know. It must be a lot of money, dude. Those look pretty fancy schmancy. Yeah, that's pretty sweet.

But those batteries for that Leaf thing you were talking about, $10,000 a battery. $10,000 a battery. And they take eight hours to charge. Eight hours. Whoa. Yeah, they'd have to get a little better than that. Dude, those little smart car fake Ferraris are the shit. That's what I'm talking about.

Can you imagine us all driving around with these things? Yeah, it's $10,000, but you get $5,000 back from the government immediately. You get $5,000 back from the government immediately. So it's $5,000 for a battery. No, for the charging kit. Oh. I would get that. The home charging kit.

Those are fucking badass. Yeah, those are cool. I like the truck. I like the SUV. The gold one. Go to the gold one. Yeah, I like that. Yeah.

Why doesn't someone make a real one like that? Like, make it fast. Yeah are cool. I like the truck. I like the SUV, the gold one. Go to the gold one. Yeah, I like that. Why doesn't someone make a real one like that? Make it fast. Give it some power. That looks like a micromachine. That's what exactly they look like. Someday they'll be laughing at all this. You had to actually go somewhere. In a car? You couldn't just beam up? Idiot. Old man.

Go to the back. People will have, on their body They'll have some ability to fly through the air And manipulate The matter around them to fly around That's definitely going to happen someday They're going to be laughing At stupid people in their cars

Hitting the brakes They rely on traction to slow down What if the rubber popped? I know, they were getting into accidents. Oh, all the time. They'd get blowouts. They were idiots. Yeah.

The way we look at people on horses, what if the horse's legs broke? You've got to shoot it. No way. You just blow it up in your car? That's crazy. What if the car dies? Well, you just get rid of it. What?

Just get rid of it? They just got rid of their cars? Like, someday there will be no need to recycle because we we will never you know we don't ever look at resources that way yeah we'll we'll be in in harmony with nature maybe maybe i don't think maybe not maybe we're just fucking pigs yeah gluttons maybe we are here to eat the sandwich yeah maybe eat the sandwich the sandwich earth and then like yeah well it's one of those my thing in my beginning my showtime special that i said that I look at people like mold on a sandwich. You look at mold on a sandwich,

you don't see individual mold sports or individual personalities. If you were an alien life form, completely alien to Earth, and you saw human beings, you would go, there's a growth. This is a growth. You look at cities and you fly into Los Angeles. You look at the nature.

You look at the ocean, the mountains. It's all beautiful and natural. And then you see cities. It really does look like something's growing there. And I said, well, maybe that's what we're here for. Maybe we are just like mold on a sandwich. Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich. You know?

It's really, maybe that's it. Maybe we're here to fuck things up. Probably not. Maybe we don't have a fucking purpose. We don't just exist. You build the robots to kill us. so it seems to be the process of complexity like we're a part of the process of complexity and that definitely seems if there is a purpose or a need or a direction that everything's going in it's going in that way everything's getting

more and more complex it seems to be inevitable it seems to be an ethic it seems to be this is the way things work wow you, when you think about it. Of what? Complexity. Everything. Everything is moving in a direction of complexity. It's all moving. Yeah, it's getting a lot more advanced really fast.

The whole universe is. You know, the universe starts out with a small, tiny spot, smaller than the head of a pin, blows up, expands, multicellular life forms. That becomes intelligent, sent in, able to change its environment, then it starts changing at a rapid pace. It all seems to be a direction and an ethic. Yeah. So what do you think? What do you got to do differently?

Can't do anything differently. I think we're trying to pretend that we have it solved, and we're trying to pretend like, oh, as people, we need to get together. It would be nice if we were cool to each other. That would be nice. It would be nice if we could all enjoy our time here and not be cunts. That would be nice. But that's all dictated by resources.

Way before the West Coast. Even when it's not nice, it's San Francisco. Still, people are cooler to each other. They're nicer. Yeah. Well, it's because they moved away from the East Coast. Everybody initially landed on the East Coast. And the ones who couldn't take it anymore said, fuck i'm going west and they kept going i think the one thing that we can

do everybody says well we need to you know people need to uh figure out a way to work this out we need to work together to change the way i don't know if that's gonna i have a feeling that what we're doing is natural i have a feeling what we're doing war, corruption, the depletion of resources. It seems to me that every other animal that does fucked up things, whether it's hyenas kidnapping dogs. Have you ever seen that? Yeah. Have you seen that? Not hyenas, baboons kidnapping puppies. They raise puppies. They have feral puppies that go. Yeah. They become dogs. They stay with them their whole life and they guard their camps. So the baboons sleep at night and the dogs bark it's intense oh wow it's it's complicated though you know but but people look at it and they don't go oh my god what is this they go oh well this is natural the baboons

have figured out that if they kidnap these puppies they can get these puppies to guard the camps so you think it's natural then for humans to war with each other yes 100 it's happened just because it's natural doesn't mean it's good for us no it doesn't mean it's good for us but it sort of means that it's going to see but you say good for us you're talking about you you're talking about you uh-huh you is definitely good for those people that are getting money out of the war you know you say it's not but for those dick cheney characters that are getting billions of dollars while little brown people get bombed on it is good for them they profit for yes so it is natural for someone who is unscrupulous to pursue those those paths because there's money to be made from it and i

think that you know even though i bring out sure it should i mean it's it's frowned upon for a bunch of reasons because we're all in this together and you know we all think that people shouldn't be treating each other like that i completely agree but more on a starfish i think it's natural starfish how's that work you ever hear that thing where I completely agree. I'm more on a starfish level. I think it's natural. Starfish? How's that work? You ever hear that thing where it's like the guy picked up a starfish, it was on the beach, and threw it back in the ocean?

Yeah. It was on this beach, and then this friend was like, there's thousands of starfish on this beach. Like, you can't possibly hope to save them all. Like, what difference are you making? Right. And he goes, well, it matters to that one starfish. So I'm more like on a smaller level. Individual, smaller level.

Let somebody into traffic. Yes. Well, look, anything you do. It's really easy to make a difference. Anything you do that makes the world better, whether it's telling jokes to make people laugh, making a song that people like, just saying hi to someone at the grocery store and it gives them a nice warm smile. Anything you do that's positive is good. Anything you do that helps people is good. Anything you do that makes this experience better. But ultimately

it's all temporary. The entire experience of life on this planet for everyone, including your future children, it's all completely temporary. Just enjoy it. Yeah, you've got to enjoy it. But the direction that it's going, if you were looking at this direction, if you were

looking at human behavior, if you were looking at any other animal that was behaving like this, you would assume that it's natural. Right, right, right. When bees make beehives, you assume it's natural. Right, right, right. This is what they do. When ants make some giant, complicated ant farms, you know, they make incredible anthills,

man, monstrous, giant constructions. We just assume that it's all natural. When human beings act crazy And selfish and delusional And fuck up the environment And war with each other and drop bombs on each other We should probably assume that it's natural We should probably assume That this is what this species does

We just are so cocky We think that we can avoid our nature We're so cocky we think that we can manipulate our nature And maybe we can We can, that's why they put laws out Sort of, it just kind of slows it down we think that we can manipulate our nature. And maybe we can. We can. That's why I put laws out. To stop people from doing what they would do. Sort of. It just kind of slows it down.

Yeah. It stops it from being completely chaotic. And, I mean, most of the laws are set up so people can have more fun. Yeah. And enjoy more time here and have more pleasure and less pain. To protect the rest of them. Yeah. Yeah.

Less pain, more pleasure. Make this transient moment feel better for the people that are participating in it. But when you get past that, man, what is it? What the fuck is all this? How come war never ends? How come we're always coming up with new reasons for it? How about corporate corruption never ends? How come it's 2011, this $16 trillion bailout thing that we're hearing about?

How come there's so much money missing in Iraq and Afghanistan? Billions of dollars in cash went over there. They don't know where the fuck it is. But yet, war rolls on despite all protests. Corruption rolls on despite all protests. A lot of people agree with it. Yeah. Not the corruption, but

war. A lot of people agree with it. It's because they're ignorant. Go read War Was a Racket by General general smedley butler 1933 this fucking guy major general much anymore major general in the marines wrote wrote this fucking incredible book an incredible paper about uh about war about how all his career he thought that he was um protecting people you know and trying to promote freedom and really he was just making things safe for bankers, making things safe for oil companies. It's all about money.

And that's why he wrote war as a racket. You know, you know, the idea of a racket being something that's corrupt and set up. Yeah. You only need an army really. Cause other people have armies. Yeah, exactly. Cause people are cunts.

There's no reason for it at all. Yeah. Um, what a fucking bummer. What a stupid way to end a podcast. So on a positive note, dude, you're fucking touring all over the country now, man. You've completely, over the last year and a half, you've completely broken through. Yeah. I feel like I'm more of a draw.

I don't think you're happening. You're a real comic now. Yeah. How much of that is your podcast? A lot. lot a lot that's only been for four or five months but that four or five months yeah absolutely this podcast too yeah helps a shit ton um and then i feel like my comedy's gotten better it's hitting us like sort of a new level down and dirty on jim norton and all the internet exposure you got a lot of internet exposure yeah yeah well this podcast is just like being on you know

a radio station it's like being on a giant radio station like every time i go on stage now somewhere there's people like workout sets that i don't promote at all just you know comedy so the improv and then it's like you hear people clapping i guess you're hard yeah it's nice it's really nice yeah it's crazy you always needed something you always needed that and we always thought that it would be something like comedy central i met yeah you know robbie from just for laughs told me this like two years ago when i went he was like you ain't gonna do a special man that's just not gonna be your path look at your comedy really you think comedy central let me think about it dude comedy central put my special on i know that's kind of ridiculous but but he was like it's just not gonna be your path they're not

gonna book you so find another way right i don't know maybe it's internet stuff i have no idea it is that's what did it it's a stuff i have no idea it is that's what did it it's a maron definitely yeah you know maron yeah for sure yeah selling out because of it yeah it's um it's a it's a totally new ball game man and you know and it's it's a much more intimate relationship with the people that are listening first of all because it kind of goes right into their ears they're wearing ear buds and shit a lot of them or they're in their car alone yeah and it's like you're sitting with them in traffic or you're sitting them while they work. I start my traffic Yeah, sorry

Maybe you're waiting to use the treadmill and someone's talking just give up just standing on the treadmill talking to the fat girl next to him fucking treadmill But it's it's either the connection is different. It's different than yeah, there's never been a time like this man Tons of people in Canada got on to me from the podcast. Fuck yeah. Tons of people. They are more than anybody. We're number one in Canada all the time.

We're number one on iTunes of all podcasts. We've been on it a bunch of times. I met that guy Breslin. You ever met him? The Yuck Yucks guy? Yes. I met him when I went. He's kind of cool.

He used to be a comic. Yeah. Yuck Yucks is a good chain. But I think they keep comics from doing other chains. Yeah, they do, and it's annoying as shit. I just don't play that. Well, you don't have to. Yeah. Yuck Yucks is a good chain. But I think they keep comics from doing other chains. Yeah, they do, and it's annoying as shit. I just don't play that. Well, you don't have to, but that's weak. Yuck Yucks in Vancouver isn't Yuck Yucks anymore.

I think that one's done. I think there's no Yuck Yucks there. I just did it, though. It's another club. I forget the name of it. Absolute? I don't remember. The guy's going to be mad because he was a nice guy and I hung out with him.

Absolute's where the Yuck Yucks used to be. I think it's called Absolute Comedy, but I might be wrong. Is that what it is? I don't think that's the name. No,'s where the Yuck Yucks used to be. I think it's called Absolute Comedy. Is that what it is? I don't think that's the name. No, that's the name of the other place in Toronto. I don't know. It's in Vancouver, but it's the same place. It's a great location. It's like two blocks off the main street.

Yeah. Whoever knows it, just send it to me on Twitter and I'll say it because I feel bad. But we did it when I was down there. We did the club and then we went over and did Yuck Yucks the next day. We did it after the UFC. It's fun, man. It's great.

Yeah, it's fun to go to work at it somewhere. Or I did it after the weigh-ins. I did it Friday night. Yeah, it's great. And Canada is just one of the best places to fucking perform ever. It's so good. They're sort of smart audiences. Yeah.

Like, they understand what comedy is where you're supposed to be quiet and listen and laugh like crazy. And then be quiet again and listen. They just understand. I know it's weird. It's like maybe some of that's for festival stuff too, but it's just like. It's not bad. All those other gigs we did. Yeah, they're always well behaved.

Especially if it's animals that come to your shows. Yeah, savages. But they're different types of animals in Canada. They're like smart comedy audience animals. Yeah. And so you're doing a lot of Just for Laughs shit. You just did the Montreal Comedy Festival, right? Yeah. in Canada. They're like smart comedy audience animals. You're doing a lot of Just for Laughs shit. You just did the Montreal Comedy Festival, right? Yeah.

You did your storyteller shit up there too. That's another thing you've gotten really good at. You've sort of organized this series of shows. It's all storyteller shows where you get up and people just... It's a theme. Everybody has material that they do about whatever fucking theme it is.

It's made that part of my game a lot stronger. Your storytelling part? Yeah. Yeah, because you can stretch out on that stage, right? Yeah, and I have to keep coming up with stories and figure out what funny is, you know, and like working at them. Like, I got a fucking show in four weeks. I don't have a story. I don't have one that sounds good.

Yeah, you were hurting for a long time, man, trying to break through the comedy scene. But now you've become a legit professional comedian. Yeah. I met these people that run the comic strip in Edmonton. The husband's a comic, and the wife just runs it. And they're like, oh, nice to meet you. And then their 15-year-old son was like, to me, he was like, can I take my picture with you? You're the amazing racist.

And I was like, yeah. He was sitting there like, who is this? Who is this guy? 15-year-old kid. Yeah. That's hilarious. You're fucking ruining this kid's brain. He's going to get beat up by some Mexicans.

He's going to be out. They haven't gotten that far. There's Mexicans up there, dude. No, there's a job. There's Mexicans. They'll find a way, man. They'll find a way, dude. It's called Comedy Mix.

Comedy Mix. That's the place in Vancouver. Comedy Mix, yeah. Thank you, the whatever. That's the place in Vancouver. Comedy Mix, yeah. Thank you, the whatever. That's the guy's name. What a brilliant fucking thing Twitter is, man. Just to be able to ask a question like that, it's like your own little Wikipedia. Boom.

How many friends you have now, too? Followers? 19,000. Shazam, son. A lot of people. Follow Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. And follow Red Band. I'm a little dirty, though, so if you're like Christian, you don't. Yeah, that was funny that you said some girl got kidnapped. A 14-year-old girl got kidnapped.

And Ari goes, I remember sometimes when I was young, I wished I had a different family. Yeah, I remember that. People were like, that's too far. And I thought about it. I was like, all right, well, maybe. And they were like, no, I appreciate it had a different family. Yeah, I returned it for that. People were like, that's too far. And I thought about it. I was like, all right, well, maybe. And they were like, no, I appreciate it as a joke. I'm talking about my own experience getting raped. It's unfortunate that that girl got kidnapped.

But, yeah, you were talking about your own life. I read it like that. And you were like, oh. I read it like, oh, God, Ari. Did you? Well, I have kids. I have kids, and I didn't read it like that. My favorite is the people who let you know they're unfollowing you.

Yeah, unfollow. It's so rude. It's like, all who let you know they're unfollowing you. Unfollow. So rude. It's like, all right, if you don't like it, you can just go. You're trying to make some point. I don't care. It's totally cool not to like me. It's totally cool.

Yeah. I had a bunch of people unfollow me because I was making fun of Easter once. Just little pussies. Really? Yeah. Easter. That Easter bunny. You fucking dummies. I eat rabbit every Easter just to piss your faces.

Don't say that to Eddie Bravo. He loves rabbits. Really? Yeah, he's on a rabbit kick, man. I love rabbits. Frank Carvoni has a rabbit. He loves it. I got a bunch in my yard, and I'm going to eat them when the shit hits the fan.

Boom, shalock, lock, boom. So just to reiterate, this weekend, August 13th, we are in Milwaukee at the Pabst Theater. That's this Saturday night. It's me and Joey Diaz. A rare combination. It's one of the few places where Joey Diaz apparently has no warrants. He just hasn't been there. He has actually. He told me he's played some cool places

in Wisconsin a long time ago. Yeah, he's been there back in the day. He knows apparently some great places where we can get good Italian food. That's what he keeps ranting about all the fucking spaghetti and meat sauce so uh that is uh this weekend august 13th this saturday night we're fucking fired up the paps theater it's supposed to be a beautiful place then september 23rd at the paramount what are you doing september 23rd um nothing ari shafir will be joining us september 23rd ari shafir is also coming that's the denver one denver colorado it's always amazing shazam bitches and there of course is a ufc the

next night where ari will want to be because it's john jones versus quentin rampage jr in denver motherfucker at altitude very difficult to have a five round fight at altitude a title fight in the fucking place where the air is thin as shit. I love title fights. Fuck yeah you do. No one denies how important it is. Oh you do too. And there's a fucking UFC on Versus this weekend. I'm the luckiest dude on the planet. Thank you everybody for the birthday tweets.

Thank you to the fleshlight. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm 44 bitches. That's right. You can still be retarded at 44. You can still be a child and never grow up. It is possible to be a Peter Pan. I will not mature. I will stay this way as long as my body stays healthy. I will not get any more cranky than this.

This is just how I will get off my lawn, kids. At that exact age forever. Thank you to the Fleshlight. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight, enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. And then you can shoot loads with a big smile on your face knowing how much money you're saving. And you can use that money to buy the new Alpha brain pills that we're selling from Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T.

Every single fucking report I've gotten back is positive. All these people that have tried it, I'm getting testimonial after testimonial. Brian's been using it. I've been using it. It's safe. It's not dangerous. These things that have all been, everything has been researched. There's a frequently asked questions thing that we're putting together for OnIt.com.

But there's actual science behind this. And it's not like that fucking pill that Bradley Cooper took in that Limitless movie. It's not going to make you into a genius, but it does make your brain feel good it makes you feel clean it makes you feel like you have energy chris or mark aubrey marcus aubrey says it's good for hangovers i haven't tried it for that yet but it is good for for a pen name what is his deal he's fucking had an ayahuasca trip and changed his name let's do the podcast. It's pretty gay. Gay with a G-H-E-Y. Like protein.

Way. Holla at your boy. Thank you to the guy in Ottawa who gave me a bunch of pot and mushrooms. Yeah, mushrooms too. Jay Oakerson did them while we watched A Perfect Circle. Whoa. You just took mushrooms from some dude? It was pretty cool.

Wow. A Perfect Circle with a band? Yeah. Really? They put on a cool show. I was never really into it as a band, but Jay Oakerson was super into it. So I'm like, all right, let's do it. Is that with the dude from Tool?

Yeah. And he's the only one, lead singer, way in the background. Really? Background in darkness. He doesn't call any attention to himself at all. Yeah, Maynard's a weird guy. I've heard a lot of weird things about him. It was a cool show.

But he's good at jiu-jitsu. So I take him. I say, man, I like you. You are just like me. You're one or the other, my friend. You get in there, you spa. You put your neck on the line. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in. in Next week we got Kevin motherfucking Smith

Is going to be a guest And the return of Duncan Trussell Holla at your boy I love you bitches And thank you very much for everything Thank you for tuning into the podcast It means the world to me that you guys enjoy it It would be pretty fucking stupid if we're doing this and nobody was listening

everyone's in doubt in the world like what are we doing bye bye big kiss