The Joe Rogan Experience - #1293 - Andrew Santino

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Andrew Santino is a stand up comedian and actor. Check out his podcast "Whiskey Ginger" available on Spotify.

Boom and we're live! I mean, I won one. Scratching is not a good way to win. I scratched an eight ball, ladies and gentlemen. It is the way to win. It happens, even to the best. But it's a real way to win. I'm good. You must control the cue ball. I have no balance over any of that stuff whatsoever. I know there's those little red dots on there.

It means nothing to me. Those little red dots, they call that the measles cue ball. And that cue ball, they developed for television so that you could watch the ball spin so you know what kind of English the guy puts on the ball. That has nothing to do with the person that's shooting whatsoever. It does. Yeah. The person that, like, for the most, it's a very controversial ball if you really want to get into it. I do.

Because it has a different reaction than a red circle cue ball or a red dot cue ball. Those are the preferred cue balls of a lot of players. Right. But the measles cue ball is just maybe the tiniest bit heavier or the surface is different or something. But it's still legal. People use it in tournaments? Yeah. Okay.

But some players got angry when they came up with it. They didn't like it. They liked the old cue ball. That's how precise the reactions are. Right. When you get to the very top level of pool players. Well, it's kind of like golf balls. When people think golf balls don't mean anything to golfers, they do.

Oh, I'm sure. The feel is... So there's a lot of softer golf balls. Like a lot of people like Titleist makes pro V1s or pro V1Xs. Harder or softer. The average Joe who's full of shit, who like I like pro v1 it doesn't mean anything to him yeah some guy that's like a 15 or 20 handicap it means nothing a guy that's like a scratch golfer like a like a pro pool player it makes all the difference yeah how it comes off

the face yeah how it spins there's a thing called a mud ball if it's buried in mud it it reacts differently the moment it comes off the face mud on it yeah but it it. Yeah, but it's just even a little bit, right? Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Even the tiniest bit. That weight. The thing that's impressive about golfers, too, is they play with a bunch of different weights of clubs. Yeah.

Like a pool player basically uses one cue and maybe one cue to break with. And some players even break with their playing cue. But you don't have like a bunch of different cues for a bunch of different shots usually. Right. Well, that's because the distance is... Well, just get used to the feel of one cue.

So when a player changes cues, like say if you go from an 18-ounce cue to a 21-ounce cue, there's a big difference in the way it hits the ball. It drives through the ball different. You have to make the cue do more of the work with a heavy cue. Do you think it mentally changes the way you strike it? Totally. Yeah. It fucks with people's heads. That's what's so impressive

about golfers. They've got all these different weights. Everything's different shaped and it's different. There's a guy, I think his name is Bryson DeChambeau. I think that's the golfer. All his clubs are cut to the same length, which is really rare. Nobody does that. Almost every club set you get is all different length clubs.

And he is... People did it years and years ago but he's like one of the only guys on tour that now cuts his clubs at the same length because he mentally wants to have the same exact stance over the ball no matter the shot wow it's pretty smart it's i mean it's a it's a cool interesting concept a lot of golfers don't know how to you know adjust that much i don't know jack shit about golf but there's guys with weird strokes and pool there's guys with weird technique in boxing and it still works you know there's people that do shit different there's no i don't think there's any right way in sports some of the ugliest shots in basketball tend to be

some of the most fun to watch and sometimes they're really good yeah like sometimes like the classic ray allen basketball stroke is probably the most beautiful jump shot, you know, compared to him and Jordan. But there are guys that have terrible looking shots, but they're fucking phenomenal. It's just consistency and their inner balance over, you know, the timing that they have and the release that they have. That's got to be the same thing in every sport. Pool, same shit. For sure. In boxing, too.

Yeah. same shit for sure in boxing too yeah you know in boxing it used to be thought that you pretty much you know if you went to a good trainer they would teach you to keep your hands up that was always the way to box but then you get to a level of like a tommy hearns remember the way tommy hearns used to fight he used to keep his left hand low really low yeah down to this right hand cocked and he would snap that left hand at you like a fucking like a cobra man just crack motor city cobra he would just pop that fucker right in your face that's why they used to call him that because it was coming out of fucking hit man tommy hearns he was a bad motherfucker dude and then bang he would hit you with that right hand and he had so much

torque because he was really wide yeah he was really long and wide for a welterweight man. Look at him at 147 pounds. I think he was probably like 6'2". And just shredded. And just cracking people. 147? At 6'2"? He was a welterweight champ. You ever see what he looked like when he fought Sugar Ray Leonard? Uh-uh. Oh my god. And then he went up to 160 and fought Hagler and got

KO'd by Hagler in a crazy slugfest. You ever saw that fight? Uh-uh. Pull up Marvin Hagler versus Thomas Hearns. This might have been the great, I think it went two rounds, but it might have been the greatest two rounds in the history of the middleweight division because these two guys were super skilled. I mean, Marvin Hagler was a brilliant technical boxer, can switch from southpaw to orthodox, like, fluidly.

Like, you didn't even notice a difference. He fought just as good from both sides, and he knocked everybody out, and he had an iron chin. And Tommy Hearns was murking motherfuckers. He murked Roberto Duran with one punch. It's blah, blah. Face planted him. One fucking hit.

One punch, man. He stung him with one shot. Let him see that first. Here's the buildup. The buildup is Tommy Hearn hearns ko's roberto duran let's watch that first and then we're going to go back to marvin haggler versus tommy hearns so you get a feel for what it was like to be able to switch up your stances is so crazy to me to be able to do that so fluidly well that's one of the brilliant things about haggler i mean he was just

so good at that and he could buy it's weird for a guy when you're used to, I remember the first time I fought a guy who was left-handed, it was super confusing. Everything's coming from the wrong place. Everything was like reversed. You got to get used to it. You don't see it as often, right? So if you don't see it as often, sometimes it's more effective, but some guys are really good against Southpaw. Some guys have like a lightning right hand. And that was one of the speculations about Hagler and Hearns. Because Hearns had this lightning right hand. And Hagler oftentimes fought southpaw. And that's the counter for southpaw is a straight right.

Now watch this, though. This goes to show you how God. Look how big he is. Bang! Dude! Dude! Jesus Christ. Play that again.

Look at this. Boom! Come on, man! When Tommy Hearns murked people, he murked people. And you gotta understand, man, he did this to Roberto Duran.

That's fast in slow motion. Dude, he was so fast. That looks fast even in fucking slow motion. He was so fast and he hit so hard. But now you gotta watch this. This is Hagler in his prime.

He was 30 years old he was the undisputed motherfucking middleweight champion of the world and most people thought he's the best pound for pound fighter on earth and tommy hearns of course you just saw what he did to roberto duran yeah and it was a lot of speculation a lot of speculation coming into this fight and they just went at it from the beginning of the round. There was very little feel-ups, just constant pressure by Hagler, right hooks. Boom. Boom. I mean, look at this, bro.

They're going to war. These are two of the best fucking middleweights ever, and they're standing in front of each other going to war. And it doesn't feel like anybody's face. It feels like they're at the exact same energy level, too. Oh, dude. Like, both of them have the same output. Look at those fucking hooks. It, too. Oh, dude. Both of them have the same output. Look at those fucking hooks.

It's a crazy fight, man. They were throwing full power shots from the moment the fight started. Jesus. And they're right in front of each other, man. And for Hearns, this negates his gigantic reach advantage over almost everybody. Yeah. So Hearns decided to fight this way. He decided to stand right.

Look at him. The referee could barely separate him. Hearns decided to stand right in front of Hagler, and Hagler decided to stand right in front of Hearns. And now Hearns is moving. See, now this is what Hearns could have done from the beginning and made it interesting. Sticking and moving.

But by the time he decided to do that, he was already touched up. And Marvin starts moving in for the kill, that left hand of the body. Hagler was Relentless and his cardio was fucking supreme. It was supreme He always put pressure on people and you couldn't hurt him He only had one bullshit knockdown his entire career as a bullshit knockdown he fought I think was one rolled and and one rolled and kind of like it was more like a Shove and maybe maybe they tripped or something like that.

And the referee called it a knockdown. But I remember thinking, God damn it. Because Hagler had a weird thing that he was either born with or developed. He had giant muscles on the side of his head. Like he was born with headgear. I'm not bullshitting. They had him analyzed. This was like a big thing in the world of sports back in the day. Born with headgear. I'm not bullshitting. They had him analyzed. With a helmet on.

This was like a big thing in the world of sports back in the day, like that he was literally almost born for this. That's how good Hagler was. Yeah, these motherfuckers are, I mean, it's relentless, dude. They're toed up every time. They're barely looking for any distance between each other. And you got to realize, man, this is not how people usually fight. They don't throw full power shots with every shot.

I mean, they'd be tired within 15 seconds. These guys are just going at it. So I think this was almost like a game of chicken. Both of them knew they were never going to reach the 12th round. So they said, fuck it, let's just do this. And Hagler just stood right in front of him, constantly blasting him. And you see, at the end of the first round, Hearns is wilting. He just does not have the power or the speed or the movement.

See, he's all goofy. Yeah, he's sloppy. Yeah, he's just exhausted. He's exhausted. But still, the warrior in him is making him throw these fucking bombs, man. You got to realize, at the time, no one really knew what the fuck was going to happen in this fight. And then Hagler hurt him. Yeah, there's a little stumble. And one of Hagler's incredible attributes besides his skill was his determination to win, man.

He was just a ferocious competitor, man. Just ferocious. And so if someone was willing to engage him in this kind of crazy fight, where you're going to stand toe-to-toe and see who's the bigger man, oh, my God, everyone's going to die. Hagler's going to take you to the end of the earth, man. To the end of the earth. I mean, Hagler just looked like he just had still so much left in the tank,

even at the end of the first round. He could do this for years. He's never out of shape. He never partied. He never did anything stupid. He didn't have any short-term videos? No. Never got fat.

No drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. Nope. And how about this? Retired after the Sugar Ray Leonard fight. Lost a controversial decision to Sugar Ray Leonard that to this day, I think he won. And then- But it was a close fight. Yeah.

And then just retired and became a fucking movie star in Italy. That's fucking wild. Love that guy. Yeah, but that's the way to do it, huh? Kind of go out at a good prime and then just say goodnight. Yeah, nobody else did it like him, man. Yeah. Nobody else did it like him. Ooh, that's when you when he hurt him yep now he's just moving in for the

kill moving in for the kill now he's taking his time look see now it's just nice and relaxed this is inevitable now marvin's just moving in and deciding when he's gonna uncork when he's gonna uncork moving in blocking these shots he knows that hes is hurt, and he starts teeing him up. Boom. God damn. Right hand. And Hearns is trying to move now. See, now that's how I thought Hearns was going to fight, and most people thought

Hearns was going to fight from the beginning, like that. Just keep moving, moving, moving. From the outside. Sting him from the outside like that. I mean, that's classic Thomas Hearns. But the warrior in him wanted to find out.

You know? He wanted to find out. Who's the baddest motherfucker in town? to find out. You know? He wanted to find out. Who's the baddest motherfucker in town? Who is it? You know? And you can feel him backing up. He knows what's coming. It's almost like he knows what's coming.

He's getting in some good shots, even though he's creating distance. But even still, it just doesn't feel like he's balanced. See that right there? Boom. He's hurting him now. Hagler's standing right in front of him. He is touching him, but he just doesn't have the pop anymore. You know what it's like when you're working out, and at the end of the workout, you're fucking exhausted, and you can barely do one rep.

That's what happens with your arms when you're fighting. There's nothing left in them. There's nothing left. It's not like he's doing this on purpose. Right. He doesn't have—there's no gas in his arms. His arms are completely flooded right now. Like, all the blood in them and everything.

It's just, they're not recovering. It's a horrible feeling, too. He's swinging, though. Look, he's swinging, but it's way slower than it was in the first round. Right, right. His snap was so much quicker in the first round. Now he's not following through a little bit. Yeah, exactly.

He's trying to conserve energy. Right. He realizes he can't do this forever. He's exhausted. They both look like they're fucking at that little breaking point where it's about to be either... I'm telling you, Hagler, even though he might look like that because it is

a fast pace, he could do this for years. Jesus. He could do this for years. He just didn't get tired, man. And you couldn't hurt him. It was crazy. He fought a dude named John the Beast Mugabe And John the Beast Mugabe was fucking terrifying people, man He starched Terry Norris He starched a bunch of dudes

He was a heavy puncher Heavy puncher And Hagler stood right in front of him And he got caught with one big uppercut And he didn't even budge Uppercuts that were like murking people. He didn't even flinch? So what round was it?

Is it the third round? Beginning of the third, yes. The third round. Here's the third round right here. This just shows you how fucking tough Tommy Hearns was. I mean, those two rounds were just fucking knock down, drag out. Relentless. Yeah, just nonstop.

But towards the end, you clearly see Hagler's coming on. I mean, he looks good. He looks good, and he's pacing himself now. He's just moving forward, throwing shots. But, yeah, Hearns is exhausted, man. It's fucking rough, man. There it is. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Hearns is trying to keep him off. Yeah, he's trying to keep him. Right. He's having a hard time breathing, though, man. I mean, he's exhausted. See that?

Big, deep breath. When you take that big sigh, it's like somebody lost a mouthpiece i think is that what it was he called his time yeah i think that's what happened i don't know man it's hard to tell it's really blurry footage just gonna say man 240p was weird back then huh it looked normal to us back then your eyes knew how to handle it right well you were just excited that you could see the fight. Right. You know? But this wasn't.

I wonder what this would have looked like when it was on HBO. Had to have been. It looked a little better on those TVs. Do you know HBO just canceled boxing? They don't have boxing anymore? At all? At all. Just pay-per-view now?

They don't even do pay-per-view. They're out of the boxing business. What? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? So they'll never hit it. There it is right there. Oh, here it is.

With that right hand. Oh, and he's moving. Boom, right hand. Boom. Oh, it's done. That's it. He knew it. Damn.

Damn. That's it. Third round. Gone. I always miss this. I always think it's this second round for some reason. I think we've actually gone over this before. But third round.

Yeah, man. They don't have boxing anymore. HBO got out of the boxing business. What do you think that's because of? It's not earning enough money anymore? They don't have boxing anymore HBO got out of the boxing business What do you think that's because of? It's not earning enough money anymore? I don't know It makes me sad though They had some of the greatest

Boxing telecasts of all time I mean that was what you would do You'd go If a big fight was on Bernard Hopkins was on A lot of the times It was on HBO And if it was on pay-per-view

Then you knew it was going to be on HBO The following week Right So even if you couldn't afford the pay-per-view you could hang in there a week later you knew who won but you could watch the fight on hbo i remember going to watch i remember watching fights in hbo i just remember that hbo boxing being such like a emblematic thing for you know what i mean like it's so recognizable so like pay-per-view and hbo so them get out of the game is so strange. It's kind of like the revolution that's happening now.

The last fight I went to with you at UFC, now they're ESPN. What is it? Plus. ESPN Plus, that's what it is? Yeah. It's a private paid service? It's a subscription service, like a Netflix for sports. But it's not just UFC fights.

It's a bunch of other stuff? Wow. All kinds of shit. Stuff they just won't show on ESPN at all, though. No, they sometimes show, I mean, it's ESPN content, I guess. So you could watch some fights that were on ESPN Plus. Later, they'll probably show them on ESPN. Sort of like the same thing with HBO.

Right. And pay-per-view. Yeah. You know? But I think what HBO did with pay-per-view was brilliant where you would have the pay-per-view but then let people

watch it for free a week later you're just gonna make more fans yeah it's like you're not gonna lose money on the pay-per-view

you're just gonna make more fans well that's the whole idea of like that's why this this is funny I was gonna talk

to you about this anyway I just moved and I cancelled my direct TV I'm done I cancelled them I cut the wire

and I'm just doing like Hulu live TV. Yeah, internet shit. All the years of hearing people being like, cutting the cord, cutting the cord. I'm like,

I don't know, man. I like it. Now, fuck it. I love what I'm doing now and I got to tell you, I can get all the shit that I want for cheaper than I had it before

and it's just way more convenient now. I used to be so tethered to being like, I'll never give up cable. Now I'm like, fuck it. I don't want it anymore. I don't want it. This has been the best version. I remember when I was like, I'll never give up cable. Now I'm like, fuck it. I don't want it anymore. I don't want it.

This has been the best version. I remember when I was like, I'll always have a Blockbuster card. Always. Yeah, it'll never go away. It'll never end. Hollywood video, dude. I want to rent. Man, if you put all your money in that, you're like, I'm telling you, in 20 years, this is

going to amount to $15 million. I got a fucking plan. Do you think people invested in netflix when it was the dvd subscription service and that you know what i mean like early on and now they're still getting the the revenue dividends of what netflix is now i wonder about that oh yeah i'm sure you do like that's got to be the best money because it was worth nothing back then it was just another subscription video service and they had there was a ton of them i mean red box i did my first netflix special in 2005 oh my god there's one left oh i think i've seen this in alaska i think yeah

no oregon there you go yeah it's in oregon oregon bend oregon that's so weird the last blockbuster they went from 4 855 stores in 2008 to one store in 2018. That is the craziest demolition of a business I've ever heard. I've never heard of what other business in our lifetimes vanished like that. Like a storefront? I can't think of something that went away that quickly. The whole industry, gone. It was a part of our weekend.

You go to Blockbuster. What do they got? You hear anything about this? You'd look at the cover I never even heard of this one You wind up watching obscure Dolph Lundgren movies That were made in Italy What is this?

You'd get to pick out shit that you're like This looks kind of dope, we'll see The gamble was fun The name meant a lot It was like this guy from dances with wolves oh okay i remember that guy i could be cool you'll take a chance yeah you will but i think that's happening again now with netflix i'll take a chance with shit now that i've shit i've never heard of because netflix you pop up all these different

titles and you'll go i'll try this fucking show i just started a new show i just tried to show and it's called dead to Me with Christina Applegate. Christina Applegate? Yeah. It's okay. But, like, I'll try it. I would have never think to watch this new show about these, you know, this. Have you gone through all the staples at Netflix yet?

Did you watch Ozarks yet? Done. Watched both seasons. God damn, that's good. Phenomenal. One of the best shows I've ever seen. Did you watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? I've seen a few episodes of it.

It's fucking hilarious, dude. People like it, but- I love that show. It's so silly. It's got the same kind of tone as 30 Rock, right? It doesn't? Well, it's Tina Fey. It's Tina again.

Tina Fey's in it, too. Oh, she is? Yeah, sometimes. She plays this really wacky psychologist that's out of her fucking mind and likes to party. Yeah. She has some of the best character development, man. That's why 30 Rock was so good. That show is funny, man.

Kimmy Schmidt is funny. All right, I'll watch it. I'll try it. It's really good. It just didn't seem like my show. It's absurd. You've got to give it a chance. Right.

It becomes really good. There was some dull moments in one of those series, but they tighten it up quick. Whatever problem they have with the writing they fixed it real quick right well i mean first seasons are always hard man well i mean just writing is hard yeah writing for a sitcom so hard they hit ruts sometimes you know yeah like sometimes i'll watch old seinfelds when they pop on and some of the episodes are just fucking flawless they're bangers like the b story is just as funny as a story and then sometimes you watch a few and you're like oh yeah they were like they

had a tough week you could tell they had a tough go i remember that feeling with news radio i remember like episodes were just like oh well we did our best you know that's all there was with that one yeah i mean sometimes they just don't and then you'll have the next one that's just insane and a lot of times it's it's like stand-up in that sense that a lot of times it's just like the subjects like what are the subjects like what what juicy topic do you have right you know what uh what what is happening in like you just you have to have something that engages people and sometimes with sitcoms like fuck you have to put out that engages people. And sometimes with sitcoms, it's like, fuck, you have to put out 20-something episodes a year? Yeah. 22, 23.

So write 23 short stories in a year. That's crazy. And make them all tie in and have a nice little kind of a perfect through line for the whole season. I know what nowadays a lot of people are relying on, on politics, which I think is, you know, it's becoming the new norm. Every time I see a billboard now it's a new political show it's like uh wyatt senac just got one jordan klepper who was a daily show correspondent he just got another one hassan minaj has his i mean there's like so many political shows now they should all be writing letters thanking trump it's like trump is really fueling

all these new shows if it weren't for him it like, this new wave of political satire, I don't think I've seen this in comedy in my career. I've never seen this many shows about politics. Samantha Bee. I mean, I just named five in a row. John Oliver's show is, right, that last week, tonight, or whatever, that's essentially a political-based show. It's slightly political, but it's very social, too.

Yeah, it is. It's pop culture. It's just pointing out what's fucked up right in the week he's i mean listen he's brilliant and some of these shows are probably great i just think there's so much political comedy right now it's just it's not my shit no oliver's excellent yeah he's a genius the whole thing is what's what's uncomfortable is that it's very there are very little conversations taking place and a lot of people that are really angry. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

I was watching this guy, some representative. I don't even know his name, but he was offering $100 to name these girls that were in front of a Planned Parenthood. And he's like a grown man. They're girls. They're young christian girls what do you mean name them as in like call them names so he could shame them publicly cool very smart this guy's name and but he's offering on this video a hundred dollars like but this is where people have gotten to where they think that that's okay yeah like these people you have like i know you're there to support a woman's right to choose but you have to understand that these people think that this is a place where they kill babies yeah

right this is what they think whether regardless of what you think right this is why they're there they're not there because they're evil right and i know that this would put unwanted pressure on girls going there for an abortion. I get it. I get the whole thing. Yeah. I get it from your side, and I see where they're coming from, too. And although I fully support a woman's right to choose, you can't want to dox people that

think they're saving babies or talking someone into having a child that and that child they think will become the kind of relationship with that child and that mother become like their mother and them or like the ideal version of that sure i mean that's what they're not doing it because they're bad people right like there's some groups that do it just because they're pieces of shit like the westboro baptist church like they do things because they're bad people like all they want to do is go protest a soldier's funeral well you know i had a girl megan phelps who left them right that got out yes yeah and now she dude she met a guy on twitter it's a great story right it's an amazing

she's human again well she started talking to people and then investigating and real and dude what i'm telling you when you talk to her she's like the nicest most reasonable person right to think that just 15 years ago whatever it was 10 years ago she was a full-on zealot yeah it's weird and her dad or her uncle grandfather rather can't even get it right her grandfather is the fred phelps he started the whole thing he's the old dude that old mean guy but do you think it guy So you completely buy into the fact that she's cured of it? So none of that's in her blood anymore She's so honest and open about what she felt And why she felt it

And why she was conflicted And why it didn't jive with what she was reading in the Bible It didn't make sense to her And the way he was doing it What she was realizing was not how Christians did it all over the world And that this, this, you know,

this desire to constantly get attention in the news, even at soldiers' funerals. Ugh. They would go to soldiers' funerals and say that these soldiers

are dying because gay people are getting married. Yeah. Like, what? They were saying they deserve to die, they deserve to be dead. I mean, that kind of,

you know. But I'm telling you from that, she's like the nicest person you would ever want to meet so she's found some regulation in her world she realizes it was bullshit she was tricked and you know she's done a great job to free herself but when you indoctrinate someone heavily into anything and this is whether it's being a religious zealot or being a political zealot you indoctrinate someone when they're early in their youth. Their formidable years. It's very difficult for them to get out of it.

It takes real work. But that's what I mean. That's why I guess I'm saying it sticks with you, right? Like, my whole thing is, there's things instilled in me from my youth, from where I grew up culturally and how I grew up, that even though I'm more learned now, I still do understand those ways of thinking, right? Right. So, it is hard to break away from those things, even though, like when you just said the whole like, a woman's right to choose, right?

Like, I grew up in the Midwest, I grew up Catholic, this is how I am. Most of my family is, in so many words, against abortion. But I don't think these things are mutually exclusive that you can be against abortion and against women's right to choose. You can say that you don't like abortion, but also say, I'm not going to control what you do with your body. It's kind of how I feel. I don't love the idea of abortion. I'm being honest. I just don't love it. But I do think I'm not going to stand here and tell people what to do. But I should be able to still say, I don't like it. I don't think it's a healthy thing to do. I'm not going to stand here and tell people what to do, but I should be able to still say, I don't like it.

I don't think it's, I don't think it's a healthy thing to do. I don't really enjoy, I don't enjoy like the spreading of it being kind of this, not a big deal thing, but I do think people can do whatever they fucking want to do, but I'm also allowed to go. I don't,

I don't, I don't love the idea. Like, I don't like it. Just as an option. I just don't love it. I don't love it. just as an option i just don't love it i don't love it birth control is obviously the best method yeah of course and i think we should be more aware but women when they take birth control man they have to i'm not not advocating for abortion as a method of birth

control but what i'm saying is when women take birth control pills that shit fucks with them that fucks with their hormones it's not a good thing it's not good and that i know and and when they do it and they also smoke it can cause like real complications right it's a lot i mean there's a lot of women have really bad reactions to the pill changes your behavior suicidal tendencies i've heard a lot of like really bad stories now i'm also saying if we want to look at it from a different perspective men should also take way more fucking responsibility then. Like, this is the other side is this argument tends to land on women a lot where it's like, you don't tell me how to fucking, you don't tell a woman what to do with the body. It's like, okay, that's fine.

I'm just saying how I don't like it. Also, I don't like guys nutting in women and fucking ghosting and not wanting to raise a child, right? So I think the other side of it is two parties here should be responsible. Men should take some fucking responsibility over. Stop coming inside of these fucking people if you're not ready to have kids. I'm just being real. It's like either wear a condom

or stop doing the thing that you know makes children. So, you know, but again, this is this weird balance of, like I say, I come from this, not conservative, but like this really catholic upbringing in the midwest you know a good old irish catholic boy and the ideas that you hear as a kid all the time you then grow and i now go i think people should be able to do whatever they want to do i'm not going to fucking control somebody but i still have those little moments

of yeah i just don't love it though because it was something that was instilled in me as a youth you know i mean it's the same way for years i felt guilty smoking pot because i was like i've been smoking pot for 20 years but i felt guilty for a long time because my because drugs were so bad yeah it was just like this over and even today sometimes i get high and i go should i be getting high today? Do I have shit to do? Am I doing something wrong? No. No, I'm a grown-up. I have all my shit together.

I'm allowed to get high. You're one of the few comedian friends that I know that has their shit together. You're a grown-up. Trying to just stay having my shit together. Yeah. You take care of your shit. It's a hard task, though, right? It's not easy, especially for immature dipshits like us

yeah it's impossible we're not supposed this isn't supposed to have nikki glazer had a funny she was on stage doing a bit and she just had said this phrase and i kept talking to her about it afterwards she was like we don't deserve this money and i was like what do you mean we don't fucking we deserve and she's like we just don't deserve this much money for being so immature i was like i guess that's kind of true like we get to be clowny kids and still make a good living meanwhile a guy there's a guy there's an electrician at my house the other day the shit he was telling me i couldn't fucking keep i mean he was sounding he was speaking fucking another language and i had no i was he's like oh you have to have another ground wire

because the neutrals are different how this is a two wire system back in 1946 you gotta have three wires it's going on and on and on and on i was like you deserve more money like you're worth more money i don't know why i have more money than you do you do much more important shit it's all about with i guess with money right it's all about reach you know what we were talking about earlier today about how much money facebook and google and all these people make from ads and how weird it is that like you look for something then instantly those ads start popping up constantly i'm referencing sam harris's podcast again i don't remember which one it was it was fairly recently he had a guest on and they talked about the uh the commodity of your data right the commodity of your searches

like what and who's selling that and how they and how they're profiting off of that. And that this is like this commodity that nobody thought they were giving up. Nobody thought there was anything to it. Right. And then these companies have found this loophole and have made billions of dollars through it by giving you free email, by giving you a free web browser by giving you free searches basically providing you with all the information in the world right what they want from you is want to know what you're interested in that's all no big deal kind of like uh the real world example would be

those trash companies that are like you have a garage full of shit we'll come pick it up for free right you don't know what's in that fucking garage right some people are so old they just throw shit out and they go i just get rid of it fuck it you know you know those storage wars shows i guess some of them are fake yeah they do they set them up they load up the storage yeah and they go i can't believe we found a world war ii helmet it's elvis's underwear this is unbelievable yeah they used to be real actually a few of them were very real and then they got caught online a bunch of people online were calling them out being like this is bullshit this is fake i saw them setting it up like they got they got caught but that's they're gonna do

that they should find magic in there and shit they should find you know you should definitely shit storage wars where they go in there and they find a leprechaun and the leprechaun makes one disappear yeah one person disappears and they have a genprechaun. Yeah. Whoa. And the leprechaun makes one of them disappear. Yeah. One person disappears and they have a genie and a lamp. That would be worth it. Treat me like I'm really stupid. Have you ever watched the show Ghost Hunters?

Do you know who, or Ghost Adventures? Oh my God, yes. Do you know this guy? Which guy? Zach Bagans? Zach Bagans. Do you know this guy? I do not know him personally.

Oh man. He makes me laugh so fucking hard because they've done like nine seasons now. I don't even know how many they've done. Have they found any ghosts? Come on, man. He makes me laugh so fucking hard because they've done like nine seasons now. I don't even know how many they've done. Have they found any ghosts? Come on, man. They have all this great technology now that's improved. Do you think that he believes in ghosts? Here's the best part.

Okay. He is all in, right? All in. Which I love anybody that's all in whatever they're doing. You kind of have to be if you're a host of Ghost Adventure. But also now he's super self-aware of their popularity and of his caricature of himself. So he does it now on purpose. He took off his shirt one episode and he goes, you want to fucking fight me, Ghost? Let's fucking go, dude.

Toe up. Throw a fucking punch. You're like, he's aware of his character that is this bro-y ghost fist fighter. This dude. Is Brandon Schaub on that yeah Schaub Schaub's on an episode look at him

he looks like he just got back from a Shane Carwin sparring session like what yeah he's still in the fight he's still out of it

is that Zach with the beard no that's Zach Zach is that dude right there so Zach wears Ed Hardy type of shirts he wears these loud

ridiculously patterned shirts right but he's you got to see it do a more newer episode do something from like 2009 to 18 you'll see what he looks like now he's gotten way more fucking jacked his hair his hair is all flaked up you know he's got like more tanner on and shit he's become do you think he's become super self-aware. Do you think that he believes in ghosts? No, I think he's just self-aware of the product he's created. Really? That he understands now.

That's a challenge. I see the next Whiskey Ginger podcast. You sitting down with Zach Bagans. That's him right there, right? Now he looks like a Hollywood guy. He's got these big black frame glasses. Isn't that funny? He can't look any better. You're not allowing him to have better style. You're like, frame glasses funny like you can't he can't look any better

you know you're not allowing him to have better style like he went hollywood you're so chicago it's fucking good hollywood look at him with his spiky hair he went hollywood the fuck i'll tell you that's the one thing i know i won't do is uh like i'll never get to a place when i'll be wearing clothes where i used to make fun of them like that. Like, I remember going, this guy's wearing a fucking $900 t-shirt. I know now I can't do that. Like, I can't, I can't

get, I can't do that now because I used to shit on it so much. Yeah, you have to mind by the rules of your own mocking. Well, if I pushed it out there for so long. What's that? He's got a nice hat. That's him. Yeah, he looks good, right? You like his hat, Jamie? Is that your buddy? What are you trying to say?

The most recent photo I could find. Jamie, zoom in real quick. I thought you were trying to say something. Handsome fellow. Cute guy. Jamie, I want you to grow your facial hair just like that. Do you really think he doesn't believe in ghosts?

I think he does not believe in ghosts. I think he loves the paranormal, right? He loves the idea of the paranormal. What does that mean? I think he loves the idea, right? He loves the idea of the paranormal. What does that mean? I think he loves the idea of forces at nature happening, molecules, energies around us, all influencing the way we act. Sure. I don't think he believes in actual apparitions or, what do they call them, spirits on his

EVP. We felt the spirit. They'll do this thing where they'll see a little orb or a light. This happens all the time with cameras when you switch to night vision and not. These little flecks of dust kind of reflect light off the lenses. And he'll go, it's an orb. And they'll, you know, watch it float through the lens. And he is obsessed about these orbs.

They enter the orb. And he does this voiceover shit. He kind of wants to fucking show. I get high and I watch it. It's maybe one of my favorite things. Jamie, you're a photographer. What's the scientific explanation for those little balls that show up in photographs? What is it?

I don't have the knowledge for that, but it could be explained in lots of different ways. It's mostly probably like a light flare of some kind. Or ghosts. Now I'm a believer. You stammered through that so bad Dude you did a terrible fucking job I don't know the photography science But like in this lens here

There's like five different pieces of glass So there's just At whatever angle you're holding it Depending on where the light source is coming from It might create an artifact Which would be a little circle So if you're dealing with a really nice Camera like that one,

but what about like with one of them bullshit, one of those zip and shoot ones? Then they're using less. Make that noise. That's like less. Why there would be something on that is probably because it's less good. It has less, not the right word, but less technology in there. I don't know.

I can't explain it honestly. I'm trying word, but less technology in there. I don't know. I can't explain it honestly. I'm trying to, but I can't. We should Google it because orb lovers right now are freaking out. My God, there are angels. They're in front of you and you refuse to see their gift. Anytime an orb passes near a human, he'll go, watch Joe's reaction as the orb goes behind his head. Yeah, and you change your eyes.

I feel it. I felt it. Your eyes will change. It was amazing. You don't believe in fucking ghosts, do you? your eyes. I feel it. I felt it. Yeah, your eyes will change. It was amazing. You don't believe in fucking ghosts, do you? Bro, I believe in everything. You don't believe in ghosts. I'm all in with everything now. Fuck that.

Bigfoot. Backscatter. Shut the fuck up. What's that? There you go. Backscatter. Backscatter. The artifact can result from the backscatter

or retro reflection of light from airborne solid particles such as dust or pollen. That's what I said. Or liquid droplets, especially rain or mist, can also be caused by foreign material within the camera's lens. So these dots are blurred images of dust particles. M. Night Shyamalan should make a movie in that movie. And it should be called Backscatter. I should not call him that anymore. That's really rude.

Is it though? It's kind of funny. It's Shyamalan. That's his fucking name. Shyscatter. I should not call him that anymore. That's really rude. Is it though? It's kind of funny. It's Shyamalan. That's his fucking name. Shyamalama. I'm sorry. I'll turn on you. Yeah, you started it.

You fucking put it on me. What are you, racist? What's wrong with you, man? He makes some good goddamn movies. He takes some crazy risks. But I love The Sixth Sense. That was a great fucking movie. Come on.

I love The Village. People didn't like that. I didn't see. I thought The Village, the end of it, I was like, what about planes? They don't show any planes going over. You know how big it would have to be to avoid all the planes? Well, they'd have to be in a super remote place. They'd never see a plane.

How fucking remote? There's got to be places where no planes fly. But they're not remote because they made it out to the road. And then instantly they got to the road and people are like, hey, get in the car. I'm like, what? A car? What is this? I'm living in the 1800s

They're like St. Louis it's like right there You know what I like though is ghosts No devil the one was in the elevator That was a good one He takes chances That's what I like This reminds me of when you talk about That island that private island

North Sentinel Island Yeah Planes still fly over that or no are they not allowed to fly over that as a restricted airspace i don't think it's restricted no but you can't land there and you can't circle right you can't visit india owns it right doesn't the doesn't india control it i believe so yeah and it's like 10 mile radius i saw a thing online That said a boat Crashed there And you can still see On Google images The remnants of the boat Yeah they came for

The people in the boat Too and the helicopters Got them off the boat Right as the people Were like pulling up In little rafts and shit Yeah Fuck

Yeah they lived But the villagers Were coming for them Wow Yeah Can you imagine Stumbling across a village They've been fucked with

Sometime in the past You know that Commander Maurice Vidal Portman. Yeah. That guy. Yeah. Shout out to Respectable Law on Twitter. He has a giant thread about it.

It may be pinned on the top of his Twitter page, but explaining like one of the reasons why those people are so hostile. Right. And it has to do with this British explorer who was really kinky and... He went there to fuck. Yeah, who knows

what he did. He wanted to fuck Ireland. Who knows what he did but people got sick because of him. You know, I had this guy, Graham Hancock on

and he was talking to me about all the different shit that they're finding in the Amazon and in South America and that there used to be 20 million people that finding in the Amazon and in South America and that there used to be 20 million people that lived in the Amazon and they died off because of sickness.

They were visited most, like, apparently Europeans when they came in, like, the 1500s, they would tell these incredible stories about these huge civilizations in the Amazon. But then when explorers came back 200 years later, there was nothing there. And they were like, this is crazy. They lied. They must have lied. But it turns out they didn't lie. What happened was smallpox ran through the fucking jungle and killed everybody.

We did it. And then the jungle just overtook these cities. And now they're finding these cities with something called LIDAR. They use these planes and they circle over this area or helicopters whatever the fuck they do and they shoot this shit down this lidar it's like laser radar and it gives you a detailed image of what's below the surface and what's there and it shows them all these crazy structures all these like uh like roadways and irrigation systems and circles inside of a square like it was villages and cities and millions of people probably live there and look at it that's Roadways and irrigation systems and circles inside of a square.

It was villages and cities and millions of people probably lived there. Fuck. Look at it. That's all the stuff they're finding now. Yeah. And all of it was swallowed up by the jungle. They think within like 100 years it just vanished in the jungle. Wow. Because it's so lush and tropical down there.

Dude, it was one of the most amazing podcasts I've ever done. To listen to that guy tell this story. Right after this one, though. No, you are the best. You're the best. But he's different. This is like the findings of Atlantis, right? Like when they started finding, you started finding more and more land underground.

Have you seen this? They found traces of five drugs, including dimethyltryptamine on a thousand-year-old South American ritual kid. DMT, baby. So that's like proof positive evidence that at least 1,000 years ago they were using ayahuasca. Wow. This was the drug pouch that was made from fox snouts. That sounds so crazy.

Fox nose. It literally looks, when you see it, it looks like a nose. Whoa. They used everything. And the fur is still intact. It looks really nice. Fox nose. It literally, when you see it, it looks like a nose. Whoa. They used everything. And the fur is still intact. It looks really nice. The nose. I wonder why they do that with a fox.

It's probably like some cleverness. Do you know that that's what a shaman, that's like literally what a shaman is supposed to, that's what the definition is supposed to be in certain cultures. Certain cultures, it's a clever fellow. That's who the shaman is. Okay, it kind of makes sense. They are just clever fellows.

But I mean, imagine that. Like, he takes a fox. That clever little fucker. I'm going to take his face and hide my drugs in his face.

Only a person would think to do something so creepy. Hide my drugs in his nose. Or an insect. Chipmunk cheeks. Yeah, right?

That would be the good move. Yeah, a little pouch. Those are good pouches. That hangs from your belt is just chipmunk cheeks with Yeah, right? That would be the good move. Yeah, a little pouch. Those are good pouches. That hangs from your belt. It's just chipmunk cheeks with all your coins in it. What about the dumbest animal you could have stuff in? What would be the worst animal to put stuff in?

Skunks. Yeah, skunks are the fucking worst. Raccoons. Raccoons are actually kind of smart. Do you know skunks are predators? Those little creeps. They are? Yeah.

Yeah, bro, they were coming for my chickens. Oh, yeah. They try to eat your chickens. They want to kill your chickens. They skunk up, they spray them for my chickens oh yeah they try to eat your chickens they want to kill your chickens they skunk up they spray them and shit no they're just there to kill they they only spray things when things come near them when they're or when they're about to die right that's like when they think they're gonna die they just admit that yeah that's like so many animals are able to do that we're like one of the only species that doesn't know how to fake death to avoid actually dying right a lot of species will hide or change colors or shapes or emit something to give the other species the the

thought that they are dead or deceased or that they've you know they're gone yeah we don't do we don't we're the only ones don't know if you're running away from a fight you can't just pretend to be dead and then they'll stop fucking you up they're still gonna fuck you up well human beings well i think humans and chimps too They want retribution Yeah They want revenge We love vengeance man

Yeah That's like our favorite thing In the world Yeah A guy almost fucking Hit me four times today I wish I got his license plate To call him out on here

Cunt And he was cutting me off And he kept trying to Like hit my car After I Why He cut me off In a big like F350 truck

And then I gave him One of these fucking honks Like dude I mean just missed my car you know then i move on well he pulls over next to me gives me the finger and then tries to like pull in my fucking lane like he's if he's gonna hit my car out of his i was like it's okay he just knows he just knows his car hits my car his car has barely any damage on it he knows a big f-350 truck his tire is the size of my fucking car.

He was a dick. But he wanted shit so it's like now, vindictively, I hope I see him again. Like now I just want to fucking see him again somewhere in the city. Just this guy.

I want to have that moment with him again. See him outside of his fucking big truck. That's funny. Yeah, we love, we like, I don't hold grudges

like Bobby Lee and I were talking about. Bobby holds the biggest grudges on earth. He has some of the worst. I mean, he has like don't hold grudges. Like Bobby Lee and I were talking about it. Bobby holds the biggest grudges on earth. He has some of the worst. I mean, he has like 20-year grudges. Really? Oh my God, yeah. Bobby Lee? Bobby Lee?

Ask him about it. He genuinely, when someone does the wrong thing to him, like I'm not talking like makes a bad mistake. When someone does something where you're like, that's fucked up, that can fuck up a friendship. He will hold that against you for the rest of time.'s it that's it where some people would go whatever man i forgive you shit happens nah he's he holds a fucking grudge dude bad that little tiny ball rice ball has a lot of fucking vengeance inside of him dude he's my little dumpling how dare you

no i'm allowed to say that man i'm allowed to say that, man. I'm allowed to say that because I used to own Bobby. I bought him for a month. How much did it cost? $65,000. That's a lot. Could you do anything? Would you have to feed him? He doesn't really require that much food.

Then when does he get to own you? That's part of the deal, right? He owns you for a month now? Ten years later, yeah. Ten years later, he owns you for a whole month? He owns me for a month, yeah. Then he's going to be Stealing on it for ten years Yeah

Imagine if people Really did do that They just decide Okay you can own me For one month Yeah And I'll do whatever The fuck you want

But then I own you For one month Ten years from now That's a great movie By the way That's a crazy deal That's a great idea You gotta hope the guy

Stays alive Meanwhile like Nine years later The dude's just drinking And chain smoking, trying to kill himself. Trying to kill himself. Because he doesn't want to be your slave for a month.

That'd be like indentured servitude, right? Mostly was people that were too poor to make journeys or too poor to do something. So they would give up a certain amount of, like they would make a contract. Like they would work for someone for a certain amount of time, right? That's essentially how it was set up. Yeah mean that's basically that's what it is right basically saying like but it's yeah is it's like a slight i mean i guess the conditions probably varied you know one of the grossest ones i ever saw was um vice did a piece about uh dubai i about Dubai, I believe it was, and about some people who are unscrupulous construction people would take these folks in from third world countries

and promise them all this money to work there. And then they'd take their passports away from them and then pay them a fraction of what they're supposed to pay for them. So they're trapped. And they were living in squalor. They're trapped. They don't have their passport anymore. They're in the wrong country. Human trafficking is what it is. I i mean that's the same as when they do to these young girls they have these girls come over the united states

you know uh i i think it was a documentary on netflix about these like young russian models right and they give these girls modeling contracts they live in a uh you know like a four-bedroom apartment two girls to a room, right? And they essentially, you know, fuck them around for a little while with small little weird, maybe random gigs. And then they're like, hey, if you want to make more money, you could always sell your body or sell pictures of you. Nude makes way more money.

And they think it's kind of part of this modeling thing. And this is like a constant, I think it was on Netflix, but it was all about these girls getting trapped and they can't go back. They don't have enough money. And this modeling agency, these modeling agencies Or these manager agencies They're, oh we have to keep your money

And we'll give you like a salary So to speak, we pay your rent, we'll give you food It sounds horrible But if it was dudes I wouldn't care at all Of course It was these five handsome guys who came over from russia looking to get some pussy and drive ferraris but it wasn't really working out for them but like get

a job get a job it's what you get yeah the fuck did you think was gonna happen you're just gonna get pussy and ferrari get out of here bro but i'm good looking i thought this would make me make me listen i'm sorry i can't get you any modeling gigs but if you want to make some money fuck this old lady Sup Sup How much Two grand for me to fuck her

Two grand you fuck that old lady Wow Okay That's all you gotta do Do I have to come Or just hang with her for a while She's gotta come She has to

She has to I have to work with her Till she come Yes you gotta work with her Okay You gotta be a good actor But no eating pussy I can't do that

Oh you have to eat a pussy I have to Yeah Three grand They don't even shave Old ladies They gave up Okay You gotta be a good actor But no eating pussy I can't do that Oh you have to eat a pussy I have to? Yeah Three grand They don't even shave Old ladies They gave up Okay so eat Harry Bush

For two grand I'll do it Three grand Three grand I will do this I mean imagine Right How much sympathy

Would you have for that guy Did you ever watch the show Gigolos That was on Showtime I didn't But I know Schaub watched it I know Tom and Christina Loved it

They talked about it a lot Why is it off That's Schaub right there On the right Why did it get cancelled I don't know I think Stink itub watched it. I know Tom and Christina loved it. They talked about it a lot. Why is it off? That's Schaub right there on the right. Why did it get canceled? I don't know. I think Stinkit ran its course. It was on for like seven. Six seasons.

No, it was not on for six seasons. Your mom's house interviewed one of the guys, I believe, a couple times maybe. By the way, every TV show I've done has only gone for like two years, but Gigalos gets six seasons. That's the state of television. Jesus Christ. That is crazy. That's a very good tell by the way there's like not a lot of these these uh this whole like the culture of male gigolos

i think they said percentage wise it's like unbelievably smaller these guys that that get into the gigolo world and stay they all get they get in they get out most women that get into sex work last significantly longer than these dudes. Way, way longer. For varied reasons. But I think the gigolo thing is kind of like a moment in a man's life where he's like, I want to fucking try it. Some young, fun-loving, free-for-all that's open-minded. I'll just give it a whirl.

Then he gets right out. I don't think that happens for girls at all. I think women stay in sex work. Would you feel bad for some dude who was working as a gigolo and his pimp was Suge Knight? His pimp was making him go out there and eat that pussy? No. You gotta make that money. There's a website for it.

There's a website for it? Yeah. I bet this guy writes really good poetry. This guy, what's going on? Oh, I know Vin Armani. What's going on with him? He works at the coffee shop around the corner from my house. Why is he wearing a shirt like that that that's just how it's his look

dude bradley lords nick hawk hey man i ain't hating if you could sling dick and get paid good luck to you look some people yeah do it some people out there working as a masseuse that do not like touching people okay tell me how much different that is that's a bummer though how much different is that than being able to be a guy and wear nice shirts like that and occasionally get a bang broads you don't want to? Wear nice shirts like that? Is that so horrible? Look, you get some nice European...

Is that so horrible? No. The world could be worse. Do you remember Richard Gere? Wasn't he a gigolo in one of his movies? Who was it? Didn't he have a movie called Gigolo where he'd bang old ladies? I don't know if it was called Gigolo, but yeah.

I think it was called Gigolo. Was it? American Gigolo. American Gigolo, that's right. College boy. You must have loved this shit, didn't you? Yeah, you know it. Richard Gere was out there banging ladies. Here's what they don't tell you.

Most of that money in that Gigolo world is sucking dick, okay? If you want to go out there and suck that dick, you can make that money. But if you just want to bang old ladies, whoa. Look at the difference. That's when he was young. That's when he was how old? He had to be like 22, 23? He was pretty young and handsome.

And then Father Time done fucking molly-wopped him like Marvin Hagler on Thomas Hearns. Third round. I remember when he went on stage in New York after 9-11. Who did? on stage in new york after 9-11 who did richard gear did and uh was trying to tell the audience that they should choose love and that what on stage state we're on stage he was on stage at some sort of a benefit oh right after 9-11 yeah it was right after 9-11 and he was saying essentially that you know great message just at time, people were just bloodthirsty. They booed him.

They're like, fuck you. What did he say? Fuck you. He's basically saying, let's not have military action. More people shouldn't die because of some things that these people did to us. He's saying, try to figure out a different way to do this. Yeah. I mean, he's a Buddhist, I believe.

I mean, he's really close pals with the Dalai Lama. Yeah, but in the interest of talking about what we're talking about revenge means a lot it's kind of hard to tell america to not get revenge on somebody right we love revenge well yeah well we love getting back people that try to fuck with us even if we go even if we go way deeper than they did we're warlike monkeys yeah we love it we it. When we think we're being attacked, like retribution and revenge is what we were just talking about earlier, about chimps.

Chimps do that too. Yeah, natural. It's part of nature. You want to get revenge, you motherfuckers. Like we were talking about that guy who got ripped apart by the chimp who went to bring a birthday cake.

Dude. It's the other chimps that did it because they were jealous. They were angry. They were jealous that one chimp got a this birthday cake they didn't get shit and someone fucked up and left the gate open and they they came out and fucked that dude up ripped his limbs off he tore his face part just because he wouldn't give them didn't bring cake for them were they female chimps no they're a man where's my cakeosing it Cake must be so good

Must have been good ass fucking cake dude To a chimp that doesn't understand what cake is Like how the fuck did you do this? But they do understand what cake is Right well they understand it once you get it to them The gem Yeah it's something It's like a powerful orb you brought

Did I tell you when we were in Costa Rica? And there's monkeys everywhere there It's crazy Cool ass monkeys But they're a little sketchy I know I got married down there. Oh, you did? In Costa Rica, yeah.

Yeah. They're out of their fucking mind. We were hanging out with them, and there's a thing called a Coata Mundi. You know what that is? No. They look like a raccoon monkey thing. It's a weird creature. A runky.

We were staying at this resort, and they would just come right down the pathway To where your door to your room was And they would just hang out with you Like these Quata Mondays You could feed them grapes and shit They would take them right out of your hands But no danger at all They were super chill and friendly

So we gave this Quata Monday some grapes And then he laid down And took a nap Under my chair I just took a fucking nap It's like a dog It was like a dog Like the most chilled dog Of all time

I'm like god damn These things are cool Like we were just sitting there Just I go go ahead buddy Take a nap You're safe here I gave him some grapes

And shit That's why people Want chimps at their house People love the idea Of having them So the monkeys came over And we only had That's what a Quater Monday Looks like dude they're the shit there's there's such

cool little animals it does kind of look raccoonish my daughters gave him a fake name like they were calling him a kinkachu they just decided to call it a kinkachu that's more fun yeah they made their own word up i think i don't think that's a real word quater monday but that little guy was so cool such an interesting little fella when you just like gently take grapes right out of your hand gently like the most chill dog of all time so anyway we we were out of grapes and these uh monkeys showed up and they're they're like hanging out like looking like what do you got for us these guys hungry no real monkeys that's not a monkey That's like a I don't know what that is I don't know what a

Kawaramonde is What family is that What is it Anyway we gave these We were like I don't know if we should Give these monkeys These Oreos

It's kind of fucked up It's not good for them And I looked at one of them Only had one hand I'm like well that's not Good for them either And they're getting The fucking hand bit off

So I gave him I gave him He snatched it from me And he opened it up and then started chewing the white stuff off. Just like the cream? Yes.

He's one of us. But he already knew about it. He knew, dude. He's probably been getting Oreos for his whole life. For a long time. From people that stay at the resort.

He knows the trick, dude. He eats the outside of Pop-Tarts. I mean, he knew what the fuck to do. Oh, dude, they make you at this, you know, they're all open air

houses you rent on the beach you know like everything's pretty open except for the bedroom is the only thing that's closed off and they had latch locks pad locks on the refrigerator and i was like what do you guys lock that up and they're like the monkeys know how to get into all that shit they know how to open the door and they know how to get in the drawers he's like dude they knew how to they know how to open up egg cartons they know how to open the lid and take eggs and close the lid. I'm not kidding. I believe it.

They're that smart. So in the middle of the night, the first night that we were there, I hear the gate kind of rustling, and then I hear a movement. And I'm like, someone's in the fucking house. Because it's on the beach. It's wide open. So, of course, I grab something. It's the biggest thing I could find next to me. And I'm out there.

I'm like, hey! Hey! You know, like a nut bag in my fucking I'm yelling of course I look they're just monkeys chilling trying to like get shit in the house

they're trying to find shit laying around food, drinks, whatever it was and of course I go back to bed and every night I would hear them come and go but you'd hear them try the refrigerator

you would hear them pulling on it to see if the latch was like if we left it unlocked they're smart They learn They learn all the little tricks Of where you put stuff

Cabinets I could hear cabinets Opening and closing Wow Yeah they were smart man That's so weird It's like a little person It is

Almost A little sneaky Yeah it is a little person A little sneaky fuck And they put purposely Up in this place that I was at They purposely string wire From house to house to house.

So the monkeys kind of had freedom to go up above because if they would go down by the road, it would cause more traffic and disturbances and all that stuff. So they keep them up in the canopy. So they put rope purposely house to house and tree to tree

that humans put up so they have easier pathways to get down to the water. Because they say when they're down on the ground, it's more distracting. It's a lot harder to drive. They create little messes down below. So if they keep them up high, it's better for them.

It was crazy, man. What a wild little creature that can swing from tree to tree. They fly up into the treetops like that. He's got them hanging from shit. They're almost like people. Sometimes I'd see one just hanging and be staring right at you. But they're almost like people. They're right fucking there.

Well, the weirdest thing is that if evolution is happening all the time, look at this little monkey. Look, is this him breaking into a house? Yeah, watch. Watch this. Watch how smart. Look, give me those chips. I love these fucking chips. I love that.

It looks like he's looking right at the person, too. Yeah, he is. Oh, wow. And he just takes off with the chips. Dude, they know which ones like he's looking right at the person, too. Yeah, he is. Oh, wow. And he just takes off with the chips. Dude, they know which ones they like. You need to just feed them. Just be nice to them, guys. Just be nice to them.

What happens if you feed them? You can't. No, they tell you not to feed them. What happens? Because, well, then they know to keep coming back and where they can get food. What if you like monkeys? No, they say if you don't, when you stop feeding them, after you've fed them enough, then they start to get aggressive.

So then you shoot one. Yeah, just kill them. Send a message. Right right and then they all come back and kill you pull out a fucking 12 gauge and you blow the little face off one of those cunts and you make your drug and you go hey you guys want free food you'll get it but you get it on my terms monkey you go back inside you just described the plot for uh planet of the apes it's literally like the plot you get them hooked You get them hooked Yeah you bait them Get them hooked on food Yeah you bait them There's a lot of places like that Where animals are dependent on people

They're dependent on people to feed them And it's a little squirrely Like there's a place in I think it's Jamaica Where people swim with wild pigs Now wild pigs Bahamas The Bahamas

Yeah I've seen it Thank you Now wild pigs generally avoid people. Yeah. They don't want to have anything to do with you. Yeah. And they're dangerous. Yes.

They're sketchy. Yeah, wild boars are nuts. Yeah. But in this place, people have been feeding these things for so long. They have trips, like tourist trips. Right. Where people fly in, feed these pigs, and swim around with them. Pig islands.

So they got wild pigs that are constantly being fed by people. But a friend of a friend Went there And someone they were with Got bit Oh yeah I've heard they bite It bit them in the ass It bit

One of the pigs Bit them in the ass And it was because They didn't have any food Or something like that They didn't offer them anything You have to keep feeding them Throughout the whole thing

It tells you all about it That they get really ornery And they get really annoyed Fuck you Fuck you Just drown it. Fuck you. Just drown it. Just put it right under. No, bro.

Bacon. They're strong. No, they are. You can't fuck with those things. It's a creepy animal because they're beautiful and they're sweet. Pigs are a weird one. I know. Because they're, look, I'm a dog lover.

I love dogs. Yeah. Pigs are almost like a dog and maybe smarter. Close. Well, they're probably definitely smarter. I love dogs Pigs are almost like a dog And maybe smarter Close Well they're probably definitely smarter But they like the way they react to people Yeah Like if you feed them

And you're their friend You become their buddy But Are you against eating them? No But also Because I've killed them I know they're delicious

I've killed wild ones But wild ones are different man Right Because they're out there hustling Okay They're not in this fucking pen Getting slop all day Trying to fatten them up Right It's hard to get fat out there They're out there hustling But there's much more lean're out there hustling, okay? They're not in this fucking pen getting slop all day trying to fatten them up.

Right. It's hard to get fat out there. They're out there hustling. It's a much more lean meat out there. They're much leaner, but they're also vicious, man. They grow these giant tusks. They have these big fucking fangs. And the crazy thing is they're the same species as the domestic pig.

Right. It's the same animal. It's just one's pampered and one's not. Exactly. Have you ever seen javelinas? Do you know what javelinas are so in arizona that's a peccary well when i saw those it looks just like a pig yeah that was when i when i first moved to arizona i saw one and i was like oh what the fuck is that thing and my buddy was like no no don't go they they'll come right at you they will fucking go for your legs bad because they're real low to the ground but he's like they'll start spearing you and they'll come at your legs and one time i was valeting in college and i was up way in the

up in the mountain and at some dudes you know some private huge private residence and there were packs i mean packs of them and i could hear them rustling around and they were like positioning themselves because i was we were parking cars where they were living and i was like we can't park cars up there you can tell they started to get aggressive and jumping and diving at the cars yeah they were getting fucking annoyed man they i was like we can't park cars up there. You can tell they started to get aggressive and jumping and diving at the cars. Yeah, they were getting fucking annoyed, man. I was like, we can't go back up there. We're going to get fucked up by these little bullshit pigs. You know where Stanhope lives out in Bisbee, which is real close to the border.

They have them all over the place out there. Yeah, they're everywhere. They killed one of his friends' dog. They do kill dogs. Well, they're known to kill cats more, but yeah, they do kill dogs too. Because dogs are about, depending on the size of your dog, some dogs could fuck those things up because they're not that big. But they're known as murder cats. It was a small dog, I think, and I think they flanked it and just came at it from the sides and ripped it apart.

They ripped apart a dog, bro. What do you do when something like that kills your dog? Are you out with a shotgun trying to find the rest of them? Dude, I was trying to kill coyotes after they ate my chickens, and I don't give, I mean, I loved chickens. They were cute. They were my friends But when they died A couple of them died

Of just natural causes Yeah I'd be like Oh poor little guy But if my dog died I'd be really sad You know what I mean It's a different relationship

It's way different So when these coyotes Killed my chickens I sat out there On the porch With a bow And a range finder Waiting

Waiting to fuck them up For days I even tied One of the dead chickens That they killed To a pot like uh you know that you would plant things in what are you doing jamie um the pot that you plant things in and i sat it in the middle of the yard as bait right and i sat up there waiting and one

of them came and my daughter screamed out a coyote and i'm like god damn we got a teacher at a hunt like i had that motherfuckerfucker Dad Dad That's It was inside It was inside of 40 yards And he was creeping in I was like All I had to do Was get to my spot

And I would've Probably got a shot Yeah How 40 yards That's how far away you were He was at 40 yards When my daughter screamed Oh shit

Well then he definitely Freaked out Fuck this So I stayed up there For a few hours longer What's the furthest That you feel comfortable Hitting a target

That's a little target You know there's a difference between something that's the size of a coyote coyote is only like they're not being their body might be like a foot a foot and a half yeah they're not big at all yeah they're tiny from top to bottom so we're trying to if you're trying to hit them in the vitals, you don't have a lot to aim at. It's a very small dot. Yeah, you'd want to be fairly close. I think about that all the time. With a bow.

With a rifle, you could shoot them easy. Well, that's something totally different. If you're trying to kill them. I only grew up shooting rifles. I never shot a gun until I was in my 20s. But rifles, I was so used to shooting, I got so accustomed to shooting it. And then I tried a bow once and that was unbelievably fucking hard.

You should learn. It'd be fun for you. You could always come here and practice. I'll come. Next time John Dudley comes into town, I'll have him hook you up. Come teach me, yeah. You'd love it, man. Not even to go hunting, but just to shoot targets. It's really fun. I do like guns though

That game out there I do too Yeah That game out there that I have That uh Techno hunt game Dude Once you get into that

And start playing that Once you're good at it And you're shooting at the screen Yeah it's so fun Once you're fucking good at it It's so fun I had Corey Anderson UFC light heavyweight

He's a bow hunter I had him here the other day And he was playing it Is he good? He's really good But you can tell He practices He's a fucking elite athlete Of could tell, like, right, I mean, he practices. He's a fucking elite athlete.

Of course he's going to be good at bow hunting. Yeah, that's true. What are they knocking at these guys? He's also a fighter. So he's got this disciplined mindset. Right. And, you know, he's just on the ball. But you could say right away when you're playing, it was like, oh, my God, this is so addictive.

I'm like, this is the most addictive game of all time. Once you start it, it's hard to let it go. If you're an actual bow hunter, you only get to shoot a thing a couple times a year. Yeah. If you're going a lot, if you're going a lot, the idea that you're going to shoot a lot of... If you're some Remy Warren type character or Cameron Haynes,

yeah, you'll shoot a bunch of deer a year and you live off those deer. That's what he does though. Yeah. But if a regular person like you think how many deer you think you're gonna find how many deer you think you're gonna sneak up on if you're lucky one or two a year so like the moment when it happens it's such a big moment you're like fuck here it is here it is you're trying to stay calm trying to stay calm but with that thing you're shooting at them all the time it's just fun so it's in your head Right So like what I'm seeing Is this animal moves

And moves into the pocket Boom The release Pop And it hits it perfect And you see it over and over And over and over And over again

So what you learn From martial arts Or what you learn From stand up It's the same thing That applies to bow hunting Right It's about repetition

The more you can do it And the more you see it Over and over and over again Right The more that pattern Becomes in your mind So that game For a guy like Corey Or someone like you bow hunts that game is like

holy shit this is what i've been looking for right you see a real animal walk into range and that because you always want to be ethical right you want to be able to shoot the right animal you want to be able to hit it exactly where you want where it expires very quickly right the best way to do that is no sufferings so this game is just super addictive what's it called what's the game called it's called techno hunt techno hunt and you score against each other so if you and i were playing like you give 10 points for a bullseye eight points for the vitals you get like five points for headshots worth a shot no no it would have to be a very small something about headshots learning like playing gun games first person shooter games over the years headshots are always the most rewarded

thing like oh headshot but you don't want to do that with an animal you do if you have a rifle and you want it to die instantaneously and it is a it's the way they do it that some hunters that are chefs do it when they like hunters who are chefs um there's there's two different kinds of hunters right there's hunters that eat the meat and they but they want they want to shoot a mature animal because that's what everybody strives for like if you're a skilled hunter like if you're a steven runella or something like that what you're trying to get is uh an old wise animal right that's already spread its dna yeah and it's mature and it's probably at the end of its breeding cycle that's what a guy like that wants what he's he's like the ultimate hunter right what he wants is the the

most fair chase he's never hunts in high fence operations the most fair chase, the wildest animal, and he wants to get the oldest, maturest one. But then there's chefs, and chefs believe, some of them do, it's very debatable, that the younger animals taste better than the older animals. So they're not trying to get an old, mature animal. They're trying to get a young, tender animal that isn like fully muscled up and worn out with age. Yeah, you want some still tenderness to it, some softness to the muscle. But then there's people like Hank Shaw, who's also a world-famous chef, who's also a hunter,

who prefers older animals because he thinks there's flavor to them and there's life to them, like that they're aging and there's life to them like that they're they're aging and the all their life experience it comes out if you cook them correctly right it just requires a different sort of preparation right it's kind of like it's kind of like uh young women versus older women like young women have a lot of positives about them but older women have just as many positives about them older women that like to work out flavor that's what you want right you want a chick who's like 36 plus who hits the gym every day. Trust me.

I know. I've had this conversation about the whole like if we stop working out, it's over. I say if we stop exercising and carrying water health, it's over. That's what you said. Fact. No, I mean I wanted to sign, I wanted my lawyer as a joke to sign a document that says if we get fat, it's like free and clear. Gone.

But I mean it. If she gets fat, out. If I get fat, she should be out. If either of us break this thing that we're doing together. What if it brings you closer? That she gets fat? You don't have to worry about body image anymore. Fuck that.

You just let yourself go. Fuck that. Come on. Fuck that shit hey hey hey you're shaming right now would you realize it or not i know you don't want to shame but you're doing it fuck that joe you fat fuck i can't believe you i just think i think we've made a bond together we made a pact where we're like we both want to stay relatively healthy and take care of ourselves so in our older years like my parents are both in in really great shape because they've

cared their whole lives. Not to a point of like, you know, not having fun. They still have a great fucking time, but just stay consistent with like caring about what you put in your body and the way you work out.

Simple shit. So yeah, if she gets fat, bye. If I get fat, she's bye too. If I get fucking fat, she's gone.

She even said it. She was like, I'll leave your fat ass. Being fat is such a weird one That people call people fat Who aren't fat Right I mean fucking huge

I know But I'm just saying As an insult It's such a weird one It is Because like Girls will call girls fat Like that fat bitch

Look at her That girl's not fat What are you saying? It's just a It's a dig It's another gig You fat fuck Look at you

You fat fuck Guys will say that to guys That like Barely have any fat on them Fat fuck Eat another cheeseburger Jamie You fat fuck Fat fuck

That it It's an easy dig Yeah It's an easy insult Dude I had a girl Call me fat at the There's a video of it online A girl calling me fat

At the comedy store And I pull up my shirt Recently Show my six pack No like a long time ago I wouldn't Now I'd go Okay you're just crazy But I was like why am i i'm

fat like what where are you coming up with that you're fucking you're fat i bet you're weird it's a weird thing the the the fact that the body can carry excess tissue yeah it's a mistake like i get it it's a good way to store fuel But when it gets to a point Like why are you still hungry? What kind of shitty system do we have That you're this big And you're still hungry? Didn't the tank break?

Your body should say Hey bro bro bro bro Stop We got the fuel But it does But your body's working off carbohydrates That's a problem Right

And it's not burning fat No That's why that whole ketogenic diet works As much as people don't like to think that it does, there's so much controversy about that, like from non- scientists, which is hilarious. If you talk to actual scientists like Dom D'Agostino who talk to you about the peer-reviewed

research that's been done on ketogenic states and all the different benefits and how it could be healthy and how he does it and ketone esters and all these different factors you have to take into consideration, ketone testing and blood testing there's all these knuckleheads saying it's bad for you it's not a good idea like julian michael it's like it's not a good idea it's not you better stop they say that hundreds of pounds right it's a normal state it's a normal state for your body

to burn fat yeah and you have more clarity and you also you're not as hungry you're not as hungry during the day right my my problem with it is i don't think it's the best thing for performance i think like you have a little bit more energy if you you burn glucose too because even like the top uh there's a zach bitter he wouldn't The American. He ran 20, he ran 100 miles in like 11 hours around a track. These guys, they could do this shit. It was some crazy record. Fucking two miles and I need to chill for a minute. Some crazy record for.

100 mile record. He broke 11 hours, 40 minutes, 55 seconds. That's insane. Seven minute miles. That's insane. minute miles That's insane 7 minute miles 7 minute miles For a hundred fucking miles

Now he is on Primarily A carnivore diet All meat All meat Rib eyes And barely Barely any

Meat and fat Barely any greens right Barely any greens But then when he Competes He takes a lot of Glucose Like he'll take Like glucose gel, like those gels.

Yeah, the gel packets. Yeah, those the runners use. Yeah. He pounds in that shit, pounds in the carbs so he could burn that off too. Right. You know, because he's living off like fat and protein. But when he competes, he doesn't do that. And the thing, I think that's the key. You're saying when he competes, he does use the glucose. Yes. But when he's done competing, he doesn't do that. And I think that's the key.

You're saying when he competes, he does use the glucose, but when he's done competing, he doesn't fuck with it. Right. Then he goes back to putting his body in a fat-burning state. Pure carnivore diets are kind of crazy, though. Just meat? Mm-hmm. With nothing else?

It's all they eat, man. I know what you mean. Jordan Peterson's done it now for over a year, and he released his blood work, or the results of his blood work, at least. Everything's in range. Everything's healthy. But he takes supplemental vitamins to nothing. No, he doesn't do anything.

He eats steak with salt on it, and he drinks water. And I'm telling you, if he, listen to me, man, if he gets a Perrier with lime in it, he'll spit it out. He doesn't want the lime in a fucking perrier nah that's just fucking crazy that's that's too much lost 50 pounds 50 pounds 50 pounds lost 50 pounds he had some serious uh immunological uh issues um immunological is that a word yeah it sounds made up yeah i don't know He had serious Immune deficiency He had immune deficiency

He had immune deficiency Immunological But doesn't it sound fake It sounds phony yeah It sounds fake Immunology is a word I know Immunology yeah

I know but Immunological Sounds like bullshit Sounds like You took two words And put them together It's a fake sophistication Right there

Sophistication He had some serious issues And it helped Yeah dude Also suffered from depression. All that stuff. Look, a lot of what they think that, a lot of the issues that people suffer from, they suffer because of inflammation. And when scientists are studying things like the carnivore diet, what's striking to them almost more than the fact that you're just eating meat is that you're not eating all these other things.

almost more than the fact that you're just eating meat is that you're not eating all these other things and so that in giving your body only one food source to deal with sometimes your body can eliminate a lot of the issues that it has and it also mimics like some of the benefits of fasting it's i'm too stupid to be really judging this i don't know i'm listening to all but i know that i'm fucking dumb too he had like receding gums he had some serious gum issue that all went away all these things went away when he was on that carnivore diet for a year i don't eat like that i'm not saying eat like that no i don't eat like that i think i just think there's got to be a balance i think i think some people may work with that right but they'll also tell you there's so many diets that people do that their blood doesn't line up with that diet it's not good for

them right some people it just works with right some people yeah some people can have higher intakes of red meat and other people it's really really bad for their system just because of the way their blood is well some people are literally allergic to it right some people like uh like my wife needs way more iron like it needs like has to have it yeah so whether it's supplemented by pills or by higher instances of meats with higher iron in it i heard there's a lot of vitamins in it and some iron. I can't produce anymore, man. None. I cut off my balls.

I turned them in. What caused you to turn them in? What was the final straw? It was this movement downtown LA. Were you embarrassed at your own gender? Yeah, I went to the Me Too thing and I cut off my balls and I left them there. I donated them. If people started calling for that, if girls started calling for that, guys would it remove your nuts there's guys out there that would there's a certain there's

a certain kind of guy that would do it so many people there if you called for guys to step out into the middle of the town square and cut their own balls off at least a couple guys would show up i can name two dudes that's the world we live in there's a couple of dudes i know that would fucking do it exactly just for Just for like Twitter cred. Yeah, just for some street. Yeah, just for the retweets. Just for some love from feminists. Just want to get something.

This is how you are an ally, boys. Learn. Like your favorite shirts. Yeah. Females kick ass. Or what is it? Women kick ass or whatever? Girls kick ass.

Girls kick ass, yeah. Yeah, the idea of virtue signaling overt support for something, it's so see-through when you're like, I'm here for you, girls. It's so see-through. God, it's such a crock of shit. You can feel that way without yelling it all the time. Well, you also, like broadcasting like that, like what are you doing? Yeah.

What are you doing? What's the purpose? Yeah. That's what I, you doing yeah what are you doing what's the purpose yeah that's what i like why why are you reaching out i mean you're supporting what are you supporting what is happening here it's another instance of the echo chamber doing the whole supporting the thing that i don't think people are really i talk about it on stage about the trans you know the word transphobic over like, I understand the meaning, but I also think it's hyperbolized in essence of like, there are these large groups of people

that are against trans people. I don't believe that whatsoever. But there definitely are. I think there's small groups of people that get a lot of attention. I don't think there's massive, look, the KKK is significantly larger of a group

than whatever group you want to formulate of transphobic nature. I know a lot of people don't even know what that is. I haven't done any statistical research. Look how many KKK members there are in the United States. How many do you think there are? Tens of thousands. Okay, how many people do you think that are super religious that don't believe in trans people

or that don't think that they should be able to call themselves a woman? I think most of those people don't care enough to call themselves part of that category they just disagree they go i don't really like it i don't get it i think i think there's more of those than there are people that are like adamantly against trans rights i think we have to take into consideration what we already said about guys willing to cut their balls off that there are guys like that sure there's some there are so many people in this country. I guarantee you there's a lot of transphobic people. A lot.

Listen, man, if you read the comments, and I don't and I didn't, but someone told me that the comments on the Eddie Izzard Instagram post that I made were horrific. But don't you think a lot of that is internet fodder? See, that's my thing. I think people like to say shit on the internet,

even if they don't believe it because they know that gets attention if they go fuck this fucking dude looks like a chick i don't know what they said maybe they were just making fun of the way he looks but you can you can assume what fucking people write on the internet about that issue they would just go what's up with this fuck oh here i'll give you an example i tweeted the other day about the met gala um harry styles uh i tweeted uh uh he was wearing like a a lot of men were wearing like dresses at the met gala this was a whole thing and i tweeted um tilda swinton looked fire at the met gala because he looked like tilda swinton not because i'm saying like who's tilda swinton she's a fucking actress who has short hair right so right that was him and i

said tilda swinton looked fire at the met gala. Who is this gentleman that I'm looking at? He's a pop star. He's part of, what's it called? One Direction. One Direction. He's part of One Direction. What is happening with that shirt? That's what he wore to the Met Gala.

What did you say, Jamie? It's a blouse. It's a blouse? It's a blouse. Shirts versus blouses. Okay, here's the thing. If you're going to one of those things, and you're going to stand in front of all these jackasses with cameras just taking pictures of you, why not wear a fucking blouse that's what that's his point but i said tilda swinton looked fire

because when i saw the first image his face kind of looked like tilda swinton okay of course i'm making the joke about it's a joke you're a comedian well dude everyone was like you're very funny last night thank you thank you everyone went after me everyone was like of course you fucking i mean nazi are you a nazi well they said here's my problem they go um he i think he's gay right is he is he gay jamie no i think somebody told me they were like alone they were like you're you're making fun of his sexuality i was like what i can't make fun of people anymore for people i said he looked like tilda fucking swinton why are you reading comments because i'm not as famous as you stop and think about the amount of people that had their balls. I know. That would just walk into that town square and cut their balls off to be an ally. Now stop and think about those people commenting.

Commenting. Yeah, I know. And you're reading it. I know. And you're allowing it to fuck with your head. Sometimes I feed into it. A lot of times I don't. When do you not?

When I'm confident in whatever I posted. That's interesting, right? When I, like, that joke I knew was going to be misinterpreted. I knew when I wrote that, I go, someone will misinterpret this. Who cares? That's why I still posted it. But I read some shit sometimes if I go, I wonder if that was dumb or if that was cool. Wouldn't it be fun if you could be half drunk all the time and never suffer any physical consequences?

Me? You know, I'd love that. Nothing would make me more happy. I love drinking. But with a half a buzz on. You know, I'd love that. Nothing would make me more happy. I love drinking. But with a half a buzz on. You know that feeling when you get a half a buzz on? It's my favorite thing in the world. This feeling.

No one can touch me. Just feel good, you know? Oh, I know that feeling. Hanging out with your friends. Having a buzz and not worried about it. Yeah. That's how alcoholism starts. I think that was a lot of members of my family had half a buzz all the time.

Well, half a buzz all the time well half a buzz all the time would be a it's like a that'd be a good place to be maybe how many how many chaff the good half of the bad half you can't like just a little little like that feeling you get after that first glass of wine and you're like ah why do you think people have wine at lunch yes that's fucking a lot of people show up work i work. Is that legal? I had sushi at someone who was drinking a bottle of wine by herself yesterday. Is that legal? Like if you work in an office and you have a glass, do they let you have a cocktail at lunch?

Totally. It depends on where you work. Listen, in our industry, entertainment industry, there's no fucking rules. Well, obviously. But I'm saying like a regular- But do you remember the dude who used to run the Tempe Improv didn't want you doing shots before you go on stage? Yeah, no drinks before you-

He had a conversation with me about it. He's like, do you really need that? And I was like, hey, hey, listen to me. Look at me. I'm a professional. Right. I'm also an athlete, or I work out a lot. I'll be fine.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to be fine. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym. You want to work out with me? Yeah. Well, shut the fuck up, man. Come on. Just own the club, dude.

I'm not going to get so drunk i can't talk i'm having a shot before i perform if you became one of those guys yeah you would know everybody knows it's like i know what i'm doing okay and even if i have too many if i have four or five instead of two i'm gonna be okay right like i'm growing up figuring it out. I'm not driving anywhere drunk. I'm not doing anything stupid. I'm working tonight. In fact, there's nights where I've had a few because I've been sad about where I am. Like I'm at a club that I don't want to be at or something.

And I'll have a few too many. But I'll get on stage. And the first thing I think is I still got to put on a show. I still got to work hard. But I'm a little drunk. But autopilot kicks in a little bit. Sometimes like back in the day if i was sad about the small shitty room it would just kick into the jokes i already knew were going to work and i was

kind of going to the motions i was still delivering but it was sad because you're like i don't know if i'm enjoying this or i'm going to the motions if i'm just kind of like hey this is the joke that's the joke and my mind is just on a rolodex of like this, spin that joke where now I'm just at a happier place in my career that now if I do, if I did get a little too drunk before I went on stage, I'd be genuinely nervous. I'd be nervous about my performance level. It's like,

fuck him. Are they going to hear me slip up a little bit? Am I going to, cause I'll feel it. Cause with, with great, with great power comes great responsibility, right?

The bigger the rooms, the great, the bigger the rooms, the more great power, not me, but have great power. The bigger the rooms, the more... You have great power. Not me. But the bigger the rooms get, the more I feel more responsible to do even better than I have been doing. Dude, you walked out on stage in San Diego in front of 13,000 people and owned that motherfucker.

It was fucking wild. That was wild. How long was I doing it in the round? It was weird to do the round. I don't know if I... I love it. I don't know if I loved it or hated it, but it was this feeling of such uniqueness

that I couldn't judge it in the moment. Like it was happening so fast. There was no sitting on the stool in this 13,000 people. There's no stagnancy. You have to keep moving. You're moving around. The whole time.

Yeah, I liked it. It's interesting It was wild Because the screens are so big And everybody could always see your face No matter where Yeah It was good

I loved it 13,000 human beings That's a lot of fucking people son It was very weird dude By the way I'm going to Denver When is that? June 7th What is it?

No Jamie's giving me wrong directions Jamie Jamie Jamie just blurts things out Just takes chances 24th of September He's been slipping a little bit

Have you noticed that, Joe? I was drunk What's been going on, Jamie? He's half drunk all the time Are you half buzzed? Oh, it's August August what? 23 and 24

August 23rd I'm at the Belco Theater How did you not know that, Jamie? And I just belted that out And then You have the fucking computer August 9th I'm in Portland

And August 10th I'm in the Bay Area at the Shoreline Amphitheater. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I'm going to have some fun, dude. Fucking A. We go to Chicago.

I'm going to go with you to Chicago. How fun was Austin? Austin was a good guy at the time. Incredible. That club is so good. Yeah, it's great. Capsity, you know. One of the best clubs in the country.

That's like, I think doing those clubs, like doing weekends at clubs is real valuable. That's, I gotta, I'm gonna book more of those. You know, like it's great always to be working at the store and it's great when we're doing these big places in the road, but those clubs, there's something about, like have you done Zany's in Nashville? Never done Zany's in Nashville. Let's do it. Zany's Chicago I've done, never done Nashville.

Let's do it. Okay. Let's do it. Let's go. That place is a shit. Did you see it. Zany's Chicago I've done. Never done Nashville. Let's do it. Okay. Let's do it. Let's go. That place is a shit. Did you see that the punchline in San Francisco is closing? Fuck. And so did the Parlor Live.

The Parlor Live is going down, too. The punchline is closing forever? Some people said they might move it or something. No, no, no. Here's what's happening. This is the real report. I read an article again this morning, because last night Ali Wong told me. And I read the article that was posted this morning, and it said they lost their lease they couldn't renew it because it's got

that building's getting bought out basically so they are working diligently now to try to relocate the club so you need to find a new yeah but but but for the time being it's going to be gone you know what i worry about i worry they're going to go big like they did with cobs right like i used to do cobs um when it was not i don't think it was 150 seats it was tiny right now it's like 450 it's giant it became it became the opposite of what it used to be right it used to be a place you would go and you'd make less money but you'd have more fun because it was like real tight everybody was like smashed into this place and it was a legendary place that's punchline that. There it is, bro. That's easily one of the best

and I wanted to go back which kind of sucks that it's going to be gone now. The reason I love this club so much so what you see is the stage and tables and behind us which you can't see

is the bars in the back of the room which is one of my favorite elements of a cool club. You don't need to worry about people getting a drink to the side or the left behind you.

You can't hear an ice machine. It's in the very back of the room and they do such a good job of hiding their noise and their distractions. So it's all about the show. They were fucking so good at it, man. They're really good. I hope they keep an intimate venue. I really do.

Yeah, I love that room. San Francisco needs an intimate venue. Does San Francisco have a good comedy scene these days? I hear a variant of stories. I think a lot of people would say that it was better back, you know, a couple decades ago. But I do think that when I go up there, when I have been up there, there's a lot of young people that are really good that are coming still out of Northern California. But I mean, Cobbs and there used to be, what is it, Green Onion? No, the Purple Onion.

Purple Onion. Yeah, that used to be there. There was one more. Is that what it's called? Why does it sound wrong? I don't know, because I'm saying it. It sounds wrong, right? No, is it the Purple Onion? Look up the Purple Onion. It seems like, I think you're right, but it sounds, it's one? Why does it sound wrong? I don't know Because I'm saying it It sounds wrong No is it the purple onion? Look up the purple onion

Seems like I think you're right But it sounds It's one of those things Yeah where you're like The other thing we talked about earlier That sounds wrong You're like you made that up

Immunological Immunological We're going to open up a club Called the immunological purple onion But I I don't know shit about The fucking San Francisco scene anymore Because the only clubs

That I've done Or the only things I've done Are Punchline and ID Cobbs I think Zach Galifianakis did a special there. Yeah, he did a special live at the Purple Onion. Yes, that's right. It was. It was a small place too, right?

Purple Onion. Yeah, it was tiny. Tiny, tiny. Is that gone? That place is gone? I think that's not there anymore. So for real intimate spots on the road, like you still have Atlanta.

Atlanta's got one of the best places. Look at that. That's the Purple Onion. That's it. That's gone, huh? Tiny yeah The purple onion That's the purple onion That's it That's gone huh Gone Fuck Close to 2012

Yeah it was gone Close in 2012 God look how intimate it is Look how small it is Fuck The only other venue That's like that That's small

Like that still is like You're talking about Laughing Skull is still small That's still tiny Yeah that's real tiny What does that seat Like 90 I think they said 90

Yeah 100 if they're Packed out Stuffing them in there i went i was in town doing something i went over there to watch garland to watch jeff do jeff's thing and how was it it's just jeff jeff jeff is so uh unabashedly clear that he's just fucking around like he was so obviously like i'm gonna fucking do this whole set about one guy and he picked like picked a guy out of the audience and he did the whole set about one guy and he picked a guy out of the audience

and he did the entire set about the guy and it was just like him just fucking around he was having so much he was having tons of fun he's a sweet guy he's hilarious man his brain moves very fast in a way that I wouldn't anticipate

for some reason you're like is is he quick? He's like, he's very quick. He's a fucking, he's a very cool, funny dude. I like the dude. But yeah, I haven't, I don't know, I'm starting to do a few new clubs now, and in the size, you know, the sizing is different, and I just, I like to be able to do bigger places,

but I love intimate venues man that's all right there's no way to get there's no way to get that feeling of how when you're they're all it's all different man there's no way to get that feeling of 13 000 people either except for fucking that yeah doing a fucking that's a different feel it's all different man it's all different it doesn't i think they're all worth it yeah i think you got to be on a steady diet of everything yeah it's like you don't want to be just a carnivore And only do 13,000 seat arenas You don't want to be just

Who's your carnivore? Jordan Peterson? Is that who it is? He's only one of them that I know I know several people that are on the carnivore diet I can't get into this Because I still like bullshit I'm not gonna not have ice cream once in a while I'm not gonna not have a fucking couple of french fries

I'm that guy I'm gonna work out But I'm also gonna have and have ice cream once in a while. I'm not going to not have a fucking couple of French fries. I'm that guy. I'm going to work out, but I'm also going to have and do what the fuck I want. I just, I can't get on that train. I suffered for a while doing a crazy diet. What'd you do? I did this, it's almost like a circuit, like how circuit workout is. It's like circuit dieting where it's like one week without. Do you know what that is?

No. Yeah, you do like, you get rid of an element that's kind of a vice right whether it's like uh and if it's it's got to be a heavy vice right like it's like i have high amounts of sugar in my diet so it's like i do a week completely without sugar and then i did a week without meat and then i did a week without i don't know fish or whatever i kept changing what it was to find how my body reacted to it and i fucking hated it i fucking hated it i was like i'm a much more balanced person up here in my work in my writing in my exercise in my sleep in my fuck life when i just get to eat what i want regimentedly that's a fake word fuck life

regimentedly i thought you were asking fuck life's the name of my new album that's a good now you were asking. Fuck Life is a better question. Fuck Life is the name of my new album. That's a good one. Now you should get that tattooed across your stomach. Fuck Life. Fuck Life. I'm much better. Why do you say Fuck Life?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm into the Fuck Life. Fuck Life. The Fuck Life. You know. I'm into my Fuck Life. I'm the pump guy. Fuck Life.

Take out the D. Thug Life. Regimentally. Regimentally. Regimentally. See, that sounds fucking wrong Yeah it does sound weird Regimentally

Like I'm better off When I Just When I do When I just balance When I go I don't need that shit I should need that bullshit

Yeah And I poke in and out things Once in a while It's that I don't know man I think that's almost like That's the only way to live For me

For it to work I've tried shit I can't do it Yeah I think people like Going on diets because it gives them something to concentrate to. That's what I'm saying. It gives them a new thing. I have shit going on. I can't worry overtly all day long about like, is this meal going to, how am I going to get,

fuck that shit. But that's one of the things that people like about it. Like, okay, I'm on this diet now. I got to concentrate. This is it. Like meal prep. I'm really, yeah, or meal prepping. Sunday.

Prepping all. Prepping for the week. I have my shows on Sunday. I have my refrigerator. I have my meal prep. I yeah or meal prepping sunday prepping all prepping for the week i have my shows on sunday meal prep i am in control of my world no asteroid hurtling towards us yeah i'm in complete control of this spinning rock in space i have a finite lifespan i have to constantly eat and shit but everything's fine everything else is okay yeah everything's fine my buddy texted me today, by the way. He goes, he had a concern. I talked about him on another podcast about how he didn't shit for like five days.

Oh, I have a buddy who went through that. And he went to the doctor and he has this thing and he had to get help for it. He texted me. He goes, I just want to let you know I'm back from vacation. I feel really good. Also, I'm shitting like normal again. And I was like, I feel like a really proud friend. He was really struggling. He was nervous about it. He it he was like dude i haven't shit in like four days i was like four fucking days there was a guy that i worked with on fear factor i don't want to shame

him so i won't say his name i don't know if he wants it out there great guy um he had a real problem a real problem it was packed in there for days and days and it wasn't coming out and he could feel it like he could touch his butthole and feel it inside. It was hard. Fuck that. It was hard. It's so gross. Yeah. Get some fiber, dog. He had to go to a doctor and they literally had to chip it out of his asshole. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, like it impacted

and become. Had a chisel in his butthole? They had to get in there and break it up and then they had to make him take this like really intense laxative. Yeah. So he takes this really intense laxative yeah so he takes this really intense laxative like like weapons grade laxative and they're in there chipping away at the stone wall which is essentially just like a dam to keep all the shit juices piling up behind it because he's got the impacted dried out shit that should have been out of his body days ago. And then he's got the fresh shit on top of that.

Right behind it. And on top of that, he's got this chemical laxative that's just setting off explosions inside of him. And the doctor's in there with a fucking hammer and a screwdriver just whacking at the shit rock that's at the bottom of his asshole. And then it breaks loose and just explodes everywhere Fuck Like he gave birth to a dead seal

Just blah And it comes flying out of his asshole They catch it in a bag Alright we got it We got it How much weight did he lose? I don't know but he said it was awful He said it was awful

Like they had to pry the shit out of his ass They had to break it up Those are the kind of pains Those downstairs pains from yes not shitting yes it's what was uh what's it called uh um you give yourself um imagine that what's that called come on look it up you know what i'm talking about no but there's a there's a word it's called like you it's like uh toxic like toxic shock syndrome that women get if they leave like a tampon in too long if you if you're if you don't

shit for a certain amount of time You poison yourself Yeah it starts to leak into your organs and shit It's something absurdly There was a shit One of those like 600 pound life or whatever those shows are This woman wouldn't shit

And she kept holding it On purpose? Yes Why? Because she couldn't move to shit She was so fucking big She couldn't move to shit So the shit packed fucking big, she couldn't move to shit. So the shit packed up inside of her body.

And they were like, you're going to fucking die. It's going to get in your other organs, in your bloodstream, and kill you. Doesn't that freak you out when you watch a show like that? Where someone's like a, what are those called? Hoarders. Like a hoarder. Or someone who's gaining a ton of weight. How do you get there?

But you know that you could get there. Yep. You know you couldn't get there but you know that a person could get there. Yeah. Right?

You now, Andrew Santino, May 2019, you're not going to get there. No, probably not. You're fine. But some people Some people get there.

They're in a bad road and they can't turn around. They're stuck. Yeah. But they compile it, right? Yes. Because the depression feeds the hunger't turn around. They're stuck. Yeah. But they compile it, right? Yes. Because the depression feeds the hunger, feeds the depression. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. What is that? That's shit? Constipated man nearly died after feces-filled bowel burst. Look how much shit there's there. His rectum had dilated up to 18 centimeters inside his body and was filled with feces, according to the BMJ case report. 24.

24. He's a child. 24. This isn't some 80-year-old man who just is like, he's autistic. Okay, he's trying to constipation. Oh, okay. Wow, great. Now we feel bad, Jamie.

Now we feel bad. Thanks, Jamie. Son of a bitch, Jamie. Fucking baiting us with some shit. Still, look at that. Guy in Melbourne A guy in Melbourne almost died from constipation So it's a few people every year They had to surgically remove two liters of poop A Coca-Cola bottle filled with poop

Two liters Two liters Think of a liter bottle of coke Think of two of those filled with sand And stuffed up your ass Filled with sand Leading to a lack of blood flow to the leg it was pressing on his artery bro oh my god it was his shit was choking his leg out

that's what was happening shit was just oh my god he's in the hospital for 23 days and took 13 days before he could walk again. Oh my god. Boy, no explanation has been found yet as to explain his significant faecal loading and constipation. Look at how they spell faecal. F-A-E-C-A-L. Is that because they're in Australia? Yeah, probably. Yeah, fucking those idiots. That guy was probably banging kangaroos or something.

He caught some disease. Got no time. Did you hear about those people that ate? Got no time to poop. I'm fecal loading. Banging kangaroos. I'm fecal. I spout with an E.

Have you heard of that couple that they ate a raw rat heart? They're from Mongolia and they got the black plague. What? Yeah, they died from the black plague from fucking fucking crazy people liver that's what it was a liver they ate a raw rat liver and they died of the bubonic plague why did they eat it or bubonic plague i think it's bubonic plague black sounds like it yeah it's got to be bubonic the bubonic plague what's the difference because the bubonic plague was a bacteria right well what's the black plague?

That was a virus, right? Wasn't that a virus? What are you, a doctor? Not anymore. I got disbarred. Apparently, you're not allowed to keep the, you can't keep the

fecal loading samples. When you were in college, what did you think you were going to be? Comedian. Really? Yeah. You're like,

this is a waste of time. No, it's just funny because I had, my mom was like throwing shit at me. Andrew Santino, no case on his phone. Yeah, fuck that shit. He's one of those gangsters. The Black Plague was an event during a time period in the 1300s, and the bubonic plague is a thing you can get.

Right. But the Black Plague was a viral disease that was killing people, right? Yeah. So it's the bubonic plague that these folks got, and they got it from eating a raw rat's heart or liver. I think it's liver. Look at this. That's his kidney. Kidney?

Oh. That's in high school. Why would they eat kidneys? Is this something you wrote? Yeah, that's in high school. Oh my God. That you wanted to be a comedian. It says I want to be a comedian.

I want to become a stand up comic And to work with comedy on television Yeah I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it Yeah That's what it says I want to do anything I like what I'm hearing

Whatever it takes Whatever it takes Look what I wrote below I want you to wear a track suit With no underwear And meet me at the dock. Got it. We're going to get on my yacht and have a good time.

Let's go. And I got a part for you to read. My script. Can you imagine? Some guy takes you out on his yacht. You're like, wow, so you really think my tape was good? Yeah, your tape was amazing. We're going to show you the dock. What do we have? I'm listening.

And he brings you this script and tells you what's required of you. Yeah. And then you're out there in the middle of the water, bobbing around, staring at this guy, and you got a couple glasses of wine. He's like, I'm going to make you a star. Really? But I need to get my dick sucked.

Okay, I get it. Shit. I get it. I did write in high school anything it takes. Now, imagine being a woman and you're in that situation. You think you're going to be able to sweet talk that guy. Right? That's why you were flirting with him.

That's why you got close to him. You're going to get a part. You're going to play him. You're going to get a part. Next thing you know, you're on that ocean. Well, that feels creepy. That feels rapey. It is rapey.

Right. When you're a dude, you're like, fuck, that guy fucked up. Just sacrifice, man. You've got to suck a dick for the role. But I'm saying it's a different feeling. Totally. But still dangerous. Because if the guy finds out that you're not willing, and then you might be hostile, and

then he might be hostile back, like you're two dudes. One dude wanted to get his dick sucked by a dude, but you're both two dudes, and it's a real hair-raising situation for both of you. What are you doing? For him, it's hair-raising, right? You try to get this guy to suck your dick and the guy said i'll fucking kill you and you're like jesus now i gotta drive this guy back in my boat it's just me and him a guy who said he would kill me in a 20 foot long little boat yeah you gotta sit well you gotta make him sit up by the bow and you just drive quietly what do you do jump in the water you know that's where people kill people, you know he's gonna tell people.

Yeah, totally. That's how he gets killed. That's where that kid from Iowa goes missing. Went to Hollywood for big dreams, never came back. Is that on the water? Mm-hmm. Cement shoes, my friend. Put on these shoes. Yeah, I guarantee you that's happened. I guarantee you a guy has tried to get a guy

to suck his dick, and the guy tried to fight him, and they fought to death. Are you kidding me? I'm sure it's happening now Right as we're speaking There's got to be enough Hollywood murder A gay guy is choking them to death Doesn't want anyone to know

Don't go on the boat Unless you really know the guy That's my message How well do you know the guy? Men or women, if the guy's a producer and he takes you on the. Don't go on the boat. That's my message. How well do you know the guy? Men or women. If the guy's a producer and he takes you on the boat, don't go. Don't go on the boat. I feel that about any... How well do you know the guy with the boat?

Not that well. I'm not going on that guy's fucking boat. I was on a show once and there was a guy who was kind of a... He was a... I don't want to be mean, but he was sleazy. He was just Hollywood. How does that mean, calling out someone for being fucking sleazy? He's a sleazebag. But it's the most stereotypical version of it ah yeah and uh there was a gal who's also

working on the television show and she's young and flirtatious and the next thing you know they were on his boat for the weekend working on the script and they came back and we were like what like you really just said that? Yeah, we were working creatively. Oh, guys, working creatively, just out in the middle of the water. The water gives me, you know. In bikinis. The water makes me feel a type of way. But it's like normal stuff.

Like, that's what people did forever. In this business, yeah. Yeah. It used to be. What, Jamie? We wanted to bring this up, because you were sort of talking about that, and we never talked about it. Oh, well, this was a different subject.

I know. Yeah. It's sort of related. I'll save it. This is Ed Buck. Do you know who that guy is? Wait, no. He's like this Democratic, he's a donor.

Oh, right. Oh, you and I talked about this. Yes. Right, and there were two dudes. Two dudes have been found dead there from drug overdoses. So they come over, and one guy said that, what did he say? I don't know what they've said,

but I think what they said. He makes them do drugs? Or he's taking them in while they're already super high and he's helping them out or something like that. Oh, and they die. And they end up dying.

What? While they're there. And he's claiming that he's helping two people? Yeah, I think that's what his story is. Maybe he's telling the truth. Maybe he goes telling the truth. Maybe he goes out there and finds really high people and takes them home.

People trying to save people in the middle of the night. What are you, cynical, bro? Yeah, dude. What do you think is happening? You want me to take a wild guess? Yeah. I bet he goes out looking for people that are real fucked up to get back to his apartment to get some fucking dick. What?

Yeah. No way. And then. That's not. And then they say, do you have any more drugs? And he goes, you bet I got more fucking drugs. They do more drugs together. And they die. And then. That's not. That's. And then they say, do you have any more drugs? And he goes, you bet I got more fucking drugs. They do more drugs together. And they die.

And he dies. And he stays alive. Whoa. Mm-hmm. You sure? Case closed, your honor. Are you a detective? I rest my fucking case. Is that the gentleman?

That's Mr. Buck. Okay. Well, it looks like a fine man. Yeah, he looks like he doesn't do anything. He's got a nice gold tooth Shining in the back of his mouth Like what's his name the wet bandits from Home Alone Investigators found Multiple sex toys multiple syringes

And clear plastic bags with Suspected methamphetamine In a toolbox Roll cabinet in the living room He's got a toolbox Filled with syringes and sex toys Let's go to work Clear plastic bags

With meth Moore has been homeless And had worked as a meth expert I like how it says Bags Clear plastic bags Like more than one He's got bags of speed

He'd been homeless And had worked as an escort Yeah That's He was on that Jolo show, season four. He was one of the main guys. Yeah, he's the guy. I've become addicted to drugs in the worst way.

Ed Buck is the one to thank. He gave me my first injection of crystal meth. Wow. I've become addicted to drugs in the worst way at that. Wow. I don't know if that's true. Yeah. But it's a crazy story.

What we do know is true is two people died over there. Yeah. That's fucking insane. He's having, oh, hey, man. But it's a crazy story. What we do know is true is two people died over there. That's fucking insane. He's having, oh, hey, man. There's different standards, right? Here's the thing. If that guy, if he was a heterosexual guy and two women had died at his house. Prison for life.

What are the odds that they wouldn't arrest him zero zero zero zero if a if if one woman is found dead in your fucking apartment yeah if you go pick up hookers and shoot them up with meth yeah you go to jail you go to prison yeah but if you pick up male hookers like what we were talking about earlier yeah if it's a guy like ah you're a russian model you came over it didn't work bro fuck the old ladies come on like that's it's true like these guys two guys are dead and everybody's like hey you know that's the fucking game they're playing they're playing that shoot the meth game once you shoot it's on you he's only killed two guys what the fuck that's kind of like the the what is it the uh the the staircase you know that documentary where like two of his wives died falling downstairs oh yeah that's people are like what you still don't fucking know you think two

women coincidentally imagine if they did they're your favorite people ever and they just kept falling and pop it literally impossible what if you're a rock climber it was in his kitchen he's in his fucking kitchen did he try to say like an owl did it? What's his reason? An owl? He said an owl? Dude, he had so... It's a fucking owl

with demon eyes. He said a bird flew in and scared her and flew out of the home because there was no fucking bird, by the way. But he said a bird flew in, scared her,

and she fell down the stairs. Backwards, by the way. You know how hard it is to fall back down the stairs? Backwards when you're already at the top of a stair Nobody falls backwards when they're walking upstairs You gotta get kicked, Sparta style Someone has to hit you down the...

That's exactly the... That's what it is, 300 The lawyer was like, somebody pushed you down the stairs That's the only way that happens Sparta Sparta? Fuck you, wife Imagine if they did an autopsy and they see the footprint

Right in the middle of her chest Well, they said the blood splatter was like so obviously consistent with someone that was like thrown downstairs. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Well, the owl got her, bro. And these owls are doing that. That is the thing that happens often. Fly into your home.

They fuck shit up. They're not good guests. They're not nice people. Assholes. Yeah, they really are. Truly not nice birds. They're such a cool animal. Yeah, they are what it's they're a weird animal that we like think of them as these wise old creatures like we

we we have like an anthropomorphic version of an owl yeah that's really smart like an owl is like hmm well yeah like let's read our books and find out what's going on the tootsie pop owl you know how many licks does it take that was like he wore glasses yeah that must be what it is but the wise old owl is like an adage right yeah why is it though i don't know man because they're fucking ruthless what they are is just cunts that swoop down and kill rabbits they fuck rabbits up man their wingspans are fucking incredible when you see them take off take flight and come snag something it's it's wild to see i was driving home once and one was flying over my head and i guess it didn't like how low it was as to where my car was you know on the road like it had picked a path probably not in its head understanding that cars go this down this road right it was flying right

and the car was just too close so it just just dropped the rabbit and went to get it later. Oh, shit. And I pulled over because I was like, what the fuck was that? Because it was big. Like, whatever it dropped was a fairly large creature. And I went over, and there's a rabbit that was just gutted. Because the first thing they eat is the guts. Right.

So they just torn the guts out of this rabbit. They pick it apart, and then they take the rest home with them? They swoop down. Have you ever seen an owl's claws? Yeah. they're fucking nasty yeah they're huge giant ass claws that the coolest video look at that thing look at the claws in that they're badass dude oh my god it's a amazing amazing predator the first picture looks like him saying don't take a picture and then the second one he's like you why did you take the fucking i told you i told you the picture yeah it's like mad at you and she's picking it up told you not to take the picture. Yeah, it is.

It's like mad at you and she's picking it up. Look at the eyes in that thing, man. I mean, it has a demonic face. That's like beautiful predator, man. It's an incredible animal. Look at that one. There's an amazing video online of one killing a hawk. It kills a hawk in its nest.

It swoops down in the night. They got a trail camera photo. They had these hawks that were in this nest, and these wildlife biologists were filming it. And this owl comes in, watch this, and just snatches the hawk right from the nest. Watch this. Here it comes in the distance.

You'll see its little eyes any second now. It's crazy shit, it's a little baby hawk huh yeah yeah yeah a little baby look at that watch this motherfucker come in look at this look at this oh shit bitch whoa fuck that's a wrap son just snatched it look at the mom is like what happened what happened i don't even know if that's the mom that might also be another baby it's pretty big though yeah it's hard to tell it's hard to tell? I don't even know if that's the mom. That might also be another baby. It's pretty big, though. Yeah, it's hard to tell. It's hard to tell because we don't have a perspective. But look at this.

Look how it snatches it. Bang! Just two hands. Look at all the feathers that fly off. Two hands. God damn. Grabbing a hold. I don't know why that freaks me out so much now.

That freaks me the fuck out. Bird on bird violence is weird. It's crazy, dude. It is. Bird lives matter, man. But it's bird on bird violence is weird it's crazy dude it is bird lives matter man but it's bird on bird violence is strange because it's almost like a cannibalism it's it happens so often yeah why is jack birds because they don't give a fuck doesn't matter they don't give a fuck but do you think that's a last resort kind of they don't really want to eat other birds right bro everybody eats birds the next picture even birds that's a bird swallowing a chick yeah look at it look at it bucking in its throat fuck what a twat duck look that's a fucking whole duck that's huge yeah yeah look at that thing that is huge well it's a chick it's not a

fully grown duck but but it's big it's big enough that it's crazy that that thing swallows it You know one of the really fucked up ones That I saw recently I saw a toad eat a rat Or a mouse It's either a frog or a toad I don't know what it was but a big ass green frog looking type creature Swallowed a mouse whole

Watch this This is it yeah This is crazy dude oh this is not it this is not it because this one's hidden there's one that's not hidden there's one where you could see it like in like a little glass container damn i wish i could find it um because it's a really good one. It's from like a top-down view. That's pretty good. Watch this.

I didn't think that frogs ate mice, man. I used to think that frogs were like, oh, you know, they just get bugs out of the air. Watch, he's just waiting. Not yet. Not yet. I want to make sure I get him. I want to make sure I get him. Sniff around.

Oh, yeah, you're playing in my little... A little baby move. A little baby move. I'm on you. And... As soon as I decide, you're lined up. Done. Fuck you. Little baby move. I'm on you. And as soon as I decide you're lined up. Done. Fuck you. Look at that.

Head first. Just look at it stuffing it in there with his greedy little fingers. Nah. Nah. I mean, think about what a person. Look at the mouse trying to get out. The mouse is trying to get out. Because they don't have teeth, right?

So they just got to swallow that thing. It's trying to get out. Its head is out, man. Look, it's eating it asshole first. Jesus Christ. The mouse is like, let me just, let me, excuse me. But I guess that makes sense. Eat the butthole first because that's the worst taste.

So eat the butthole first. Get the bad taste out of the mouth. I don't think that's how they're thinking. That's just where it was. I think it would have eaten it head first too. But look at it. It's just blinking, slowly swallowing the mouse. Imagine you being able to

eat a dog that's what that's like yeah the size difference that's like you eating a german shepherd and stuffing it in your face dislocating my jaw putting it in how big is a frog's mouth that's crazy well that's like when you see those things that can dislocate their jaws i think that's incredible animals that can fucking unhinge their jaw snakes snakes do that shit these are fasting sharks yeah they found them in california again off the coast after they haven't Incredible animals that can fucking unhinge their jaw. Snakes that eat deer and shit. Snakes do that shit. These are found again. Basking sharks? Yeah, they found them in California again off the coast. After they haven't been here for 30 years.

Whoa. They just started showing up again off San Francisco and Ventura or whatever. What the fuck are those? They swim through like little schools of fish and they just swallow them up. Yeah, I've seen that. It's a basking shark. Giant mouth. Yeah, wild looking thing.

Just like a funnel for the ocean. How many bottle caps do those things swallow? Yeah, you want to talk about plastic straws. They get 30 feet long. Imagine what kind of shit impacted like six pack tops are in their assholes. So many cans of Miller Lite. Blood streaming out of their asshole and their shit. Those things got to be able to handle anything.

After all these years, they've swallowed so much bullshit. Yeah, boots and fucking license plates and shit. Old boat parts. Bones. Yeah, all that shit. Creepy shit from the bottom of the fucking ocean. The sperm whale found dead with 13 pounds of plastic in its stomach. Holy shit, man.

13 pounds? We're so gross. Wow. So there was a guy named- Look at that. Do you see that? What is this thing? Flip-flops and 115 drinking cups.

They can't say red solo cups, but that's what that is. People out there partying. Partying, dude. Out there on that boat. On them sperm whales. Wow. Damn. That's fucked up, man.

Flip-flops. I've probably had one of those flip-flops. I've lost so many pairs. One of mine is in a sperm whale somewhere. Did you see the video of that beluga whale returning the girl's cell phone? What? You did? Okay.

Yeah, it's fucking crazy. If they set this up, it would have been an amazing setup, but I'll show you the video. Whoa. Returning a girl's cell phone. Here you go. The whale understands objects are important to you? It knows iPhones are expensive. I don't know how far it got dropped down in the water, but I'll pull it up here.

It's going all over Instagram and Twitter. You can easily find the video. Is that real? I mean, it far it got dropped down in the water, but here, I'll pull it up here. So going all over Instagram and Twitter, you can easily find the video. Is that real? I mean, it's coming from the depths of the water. So, like, I don't know how the fuck you could make this and fake it. Oh my fucking god. Holding on to her phone and it brings it up. Like, I don't know how you would fake that.

Oh my god. Holy shit. Well, they don't look like trainers. It doesn't look like it's in, like, a you know what I mean? No, it looks like it's's in the water and it says it's the one that was captured last week i don't know if that same one that's the part i think was fake about it but oh how do they know how would they know it's the same one the ones that have it i think that's that's how i initially saw the story and i don't i don't believe that part they're tagged and tracked remember the white whale the white whale that we posted about last week? Well, it stuck around.

He's been staying at Hammerfest. Well, maybe it's a different one. Maybe it's a whale that they saw, not the one that was captured with the harness. I think that's what's wrong. Well, what did they post about last week? That's the one. This is where that story came from in Norway. That's the part where I was like. So it is the same story.

Yeah, it could. So maybe that thing. Yeah, it's trained. It where I was like. So it is the same story. Yeah. So maybe that thing. Yeah, it's trained. It's a trained whale. Maybe he wanted food, man. Yeah, I thought I was going to get something. Pick it up with fish, bitch. Isn't that so funny?

Get back out there. Here's your phone. They're like, thank you. And he's like, no, bitch. Fucking feed me. Yeah, just like the monkeys, man. Give up the food, you bitch. I'm coming to steal from you.

I'm stealing. Oh, that was the other thing, man. We got margaritas and we left like a pitcher of margaritas out and they dumped the pitcher over and drank the margaritas hell yeah they like to party so the monkeys were probably partying on our porch don't leave margaritas out dude they're gonna fucking say i wonder if they get hammered they get wasted they must get so hammered like a pitcher of mark i don't know how much they slapped up after it spilled right i imagine they probably just drank every drop. There was nothing left.

They knocked over the pitcher. And some of it must have stayed in the pitcher. And they was like, this is what we want. And they started drinking it. And they knock on your door. They're like, you have salt? You guys didn't leave any fucking salt out? Look at him.

He's drinking. Yeah, he's boozed out. They drink booze. This is crazy. Drunk monkeys. Coca-Cola. Oh, my God. They love Coca-Cola.

Oh, yeah. Look at him. Sugar. He doesn't know how to drink, though. Stupid fuck. Anything with sugar. They love Coca-Cola Oh yeah look at them Sugar He doesn't know how to drink those Anything with sugar They love sugar shit Stupid fuck Oh he's hammered

Look at him Oh they're drunk Oh my god There's videos of drunk monkeys They're fucked up Look at them They can't even wrestle They just fall down

That's hilarious Oh the people Spilling off of drinks And they're licking it off tables If I had a monkey I'd get him drunk every day. Me and that monkey would just party. If everything goes totally south with me, you're going to find me on Key West,

living like those psycho white people, just drinking with monkeys. You're going to be McAfee? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be the next McAfee. I'll be just like that, but I'll stay in America. Make girls poop in your mouth for you. I don't think he does that, bro, and you should stop saying that. He did.

Key West is Key West Key West is the furthest You can get And still be in America Is it really? Other than Alaska The most ridiculous thing To call that America

Yeah it's not It's like not even Connected to Florida No And those people That live down there They might as well be Expats living on an island

Somewhere That's what it is right? There's a hurricane there Every 13 days They just get wiped out Southernmost point Yeah Southernmost point

But it's not just that They're The keys They're islands Yeah the keys Like you have to drive Over land Like they're not really

America No it's it's own little thing It's like Puerto Rico Well the US Virgin Islands Yeah get the fuck out of here How do we own Guam Yeah how What's that

What is that to us That's way over there Yeah That's way away from Hawaii It takes forever to get there How do we get there That's fucking far Hawaii's five hours

by jet. Jet. Yeah. Over just water. No, no, no, no, no. This is America. It's ours, baby. A little plot of land.

I like that we protect Hawaii, but I think Hawaii is its own fucking thing. Well, it is. We should let those people run their own country and you know what would happen immediately?

Mushrooms would be legal. It would be the place to party. They voted this week. A bunch of places voted. Denver tried. Yeah, Denver didn't make it, though. 47% I think said yes. Those old ranchers.

Those old ranchers came out of the mountains. Old farmers. Actually, dude, on the way here, I saw hilarious on the back of a truck window had a big thing that says, what's going on? And it had a pot leaf, and it said legal. And then it had a hose watering a lawn and it said illegal what's going on oh my god look into it that's what he's saying dude what's going on he's a dumbass it's called a drought you fuck what's going on you can grow pot but i can't

water my lawn conserving water you fuckhead fuck you pothead pot is plants fuck you pothead hey easy you see about the guy in florida that got arrested because he would not take I eat ass off the back of his window? We were talking about that. I eat ass. I eat ass. I eat ass. It said on the back of his window, he said it is his first amendment right to let everyone

know that he eats ass. It is. Yeah. But that's a funny thing. Imagine if that's your boy. You have his little baby. You suck it on your nipple. You're like, my cute little boy.

He's adorable. He's the best. Oh, my little Billy wants to playipple, you're like, my cute little boy, he's adorable. Oh, my little Billy wants to play baseball, but he doesn't like getting up early, and he misses a lot of practice. He got cut from the team, and now he's kind of depressed, and he just plays Madden all day. And one day, Billy's got a pickup truck, and Billy's pickup truck says, I eat ass. That's right, Mom. And you come home, and he's still living at your house, because he's a fucking loser.

And you come home, and you see little Billy with his I eat ass. Do you really need to have that on your truck in my driveway? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do, Ma. That's how I get my ass to eat. A lot of guys don't eat ass, but I do,

so I let everybody know. I eat ass. I do, I do, I do. And your dad is like, I still support him and I love him very much. I also eat ass. Imagine if you're with your mom and you're driving on the highway and you're stuck in bumper to bumper traffic with I eat ass in front of you for an hour.

We'd laugh. My mom would laugh. My mom would get mad at me for staying in the same lane. She would go, just change. Joe, just change. You're in this lane because you think it's funny that I have to look at I eat ass. I didn't say that, mom. I did not say that.

It is funny, though. You think it's funny. It is, though. You think it's funny. It is very funny. You think it's funny. Here's my story about that guy. I know you think it was, I think it was more positive than that. I think he wanted to let people know

that he eats ass because he's got this, I don't know if you know him, but we know him, I know him very well, Jimmy and I know him very well, but he's got this, half of his tongue was bit off

by a dog when he was young. So he knows how to eat ass? So he knows how to eat ass? So he knows how to eat ass. He's got like a rough bump at the end of it? Yeah, he knows how to flick it around. He's got a move?

He's good at eating ass. But I think people for years were like, you can't eat ass anymore, Mike! And he was like, fuck you guys, man. What are you trying to say, Jim? There's another Florida man story,

eating ass. Man arrested after caught eating ass inside Toys R Us store. That's why they closed down. That's why they're not in business. That's a bold move. Little kids in there.

Oh, I know what I saw. It's around here somewhere. It's a thing. The game is there's a monkey on the cover and he's got a hammer. He's trying to whack the moles. And this guy's eating this girl's poop. This guy's eating girl's poop. Mommy.

Can you imagine if you saw a dude eating an asshole underwear in the middle of Toys R Us? You're walking around with your kid going, what should we get? Should we get a wiffle ball bat? You want to play wiffle ball? Yeah. Yeah, wiffle ball would be fun. Yeah. And you turn a corner.

And the girl turns and she goes, get out of here. I fell down a rabbit hole with this one with ass eating yeah man who ripped out girlfriend's intestines for yelling her husband's name during sex gets life in prison makes perfect sense what man who ripped out his girlfriend's intestines for yelling at that point i get mad fidel l Lopez told investigators I get really, really mad. He ripped out her intestine for yelling out her husband's name. Boy, that's a complicated story. Also in Florida. Oh, no shit. She called me the name

of the other fucking guy, he told investigators, after September 2015 murder. She said it twice, and she was wrong, and she was confusing me with him. At that point, I get mad I get really really mad Oh Jesus Christ

As the 31 year old lay stricken He shoved objects into Miss Nemeth's vagina and anus Including a beer bottle, a hair iron, even his fist Okay This is not This guy's a psycho This is not something I needed to see What a piece of shit

Jesus Jamie Why are you reading about this? Is something wrong with you? Where do you find that stuff Jamie? Why do you go looking for it? Is it on your saved pages? What does Google try to sell you? This is the images of I Eat Ass Florida, man.

I just started scrolling down. Okay. We go to Jamie's Google ads. It's all duct tape and crowbars and shit. A lot of rope. What's up with all this rope? What's up with all the hand saws? What's going on, man?

This is how you know that even when you clear your search engine, it doesn't matter because i clear my shit sometimes and and even if i when i go back to pornhub it still knows my suggested shit so creepy look into it time to look into it time to look into the porn that's where they're the where people are making money it's from cookies and like using your information and your data and finding out what you're interested in, selling it to advertisers. It's all very, very sordid stuff. The Zuckerberg has got us, dude. Yeah, the Zuckerberg does.

I mean, it's just, there's a lot. It's weird that that sort of escaped the imagination of people that were like looking towards the future like they didn't think that data would be so valuable yeah nobody really nobody really saw that 20 years ago no when the internet was first coming alive like nobody ever thought they'd be able to like check your searches like when they figured out how to make a search engine then tied it into what you're searching for and selling that to advertisers. God, it's genius. But it's crazy that they can make so much money.

It's like you were talking about, well, it's not right that you can make so much money telling jokes. Well, it's really not right that you make so much money providing a search engine. Off of the materials that you've searched, which you're supposedly you're protected by, right? You're supposed to think that your searches are protected but on one hand right like it's cool because you get all this data you get into this information but you know you could literally find out any answer to

any question we do it all the time yeah but then the other part it's like but what am I giving up you get to now they know what you like what kind of what things you're thinking about buying what or what you're interested in, what movies you like. They know that. So they start selling you that. You're like, oh, I guess I want them to sell it to me.

That is what I like. Kind of. Yeah, that is a nice car. Wow, look at that. Hey, that movie does look good.

You know, and then you're like, oh, my Google's really working out well for me. You want to become autonomous with the machine? It's just a big net, just casting out, and just finding all the things I'm interested in.

Like if they put a chip in you, are you cool with the chip? I've got one already, bro. You've got the chip, dog? Yeah. Which version, though? 2.6? I don't know. I don't ask questions.

Just the hot, yeah, don't. Why would you? Just let them chip me up. Chip me up, dog. You got to go to Langley, Virginia. You go to where they kept Hannibal Lecter. That's how they chip you. Chip you out there.

At Langley? You got to go to the FBI They have to know you're okay I'll get chipped You're cool I would get chipped You gotta know you're cool Chip me dude

I'll chip Chip me the fuck up What would it take for you to Get chipped Like for real If there was a chip And it provided your GPS tracking Everywhere you go

But You could read people's minds So the government knew Where you were All the time They do But Everybody else that

had a chip in it you could read their mind like you could see their intentions you could you could find out if they're upset you could find out they're rational or irrational maybe you could even show them the error of their ways with your thoughts oh i don't want to i don't want to know people's head they already know where you're at man they got your fucking phone no no they can have that i don't want to know what's going on like jamie's had you don't want to know jamie's fine uh-uh you know he's thinking about right now food yeah yeah it's like 320 bringing up the movie upgrade almost oh yeah that is like what it was like right yeah yeah yeah i don't remember why he got it but um he was cut he was shot in a spoiler alert he was shot in like a robbery by armed gang members.

They shot him and paralyzed him. And then this guy brought him back to life with this chip in his spine that regenerated his spinal tissue and gave him superpowers and he knew Kung Fu and all kinds of other shit. Chip me, dude. Yeah. Jamie. Oh, that's from John Carpenter's thing. Jamie, get out of here with this.

Jamie. Stop with it. You're distracting the shit out of me today. What's going on with you? I say chip me out. Chip me the fuck up. What about you, Jamie? Would you get distracted if you had a chip inside of you?

Would you think about it all the time? Yeah, the neural link scares the shit out of me. That's basically the same thing. Right, if you're wearing it. Yeah. But do you think that would become like you would think about that chip all the time? No. No, you'd definitely forget about it.

You'd forget about it just like you forget about anything else that you have. You forget about this thing, this tracking device. Yeah, but as long as you could pick it up and put it down. You feel like you're not really connected to it, even though you absolutely are. Yeah, you are. But if you had something inside you, you'd be like, oh, boy, I really went for it. I got the chip. Are you talking to it?

See, I would want to talk to it. The upgrade movie. Turn on my car. Get directions to Joe's. You can't forget about it then. It's close to it, man. Yeah, but then it becomes one with you. It's not like you're thinking about it.

You're just acting. If I woke you up in the middle of the night, you'd be pissed. Why would it wake me up? You know what I've been using? I told it not to. You know what I've been doing with Siri lately, that dumb bitch? Don't use it. I tell her what to do.

I make her make notes for me. So I go, hey Siri, make a note. And what would you like to say? What would you like to say? Exactly. Right there. Whose phone was that? Mine or yours? Yours. See that?

Okay, I created a note. She created a note. She's listening to you, dude. Hey, here we go. Hey Siri, created a note. She created a note. She's listening to you, dude. Here we go. Hey, Siri, make a note. What do you want it to say? Andrew Santino is the last of the great gingers.

Okay, I created a note. Andrew Santino was the last of the great gingers. That's a good, yeah. That's pretty beautiful. Yeah, she's pretty good. She changed was to is. Did you say is? I don't know.

She did that, see? But it's good enough for me. If I have ideas, if I'm driving around and I have ideas, I just tell Siri to do my dirty work for me. It's the best. It's like, it's made me capture so many more ideas that I would never be able to capture

because I'm driving. This is funny. I thought this in the shower the other day. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking in the shower. I really enjoy thinking in the shower because it's really quiet. And I'll sit there and I'll think and sometimes I'll get a great idea. And in the time it takes me to get out of the fucking shower. Forget it.

I've washed it away. Fuck. I want a... Noteboard? Yeah, a waterproof noteboard in the shower so I can write shit down. You can get one of those. Do they make those? Yeah, but your note board in the shower. So I can write shit down. You can get one of those. Do they make those? Yeah, but your wife would get annoyed at you.

I have the home sweet home sign, and you have a fucking thing over it so you can write your stupid... Oh, dick in mom's pussy is hilarious. No, it's not. And I'll go, you know what, babe? I bought this fucking shower. Why is that a joke? Get outside. Dick in mom's pussy is hilarious?

What's wrong with you? Get in the garage where you belong. You're smoking pot with Theo Vaughn. Theo Vaughn says he doesn't smoke pot. Why is that a joke? Get outside. Dick and mom's pussy's hilarious. What's wrong with you? Get in the garage where you belong. You're smoking pot with Theo Vaughn. Theo Vaughn says he doesn't smoke pot. I don't believe him. You guys are smoking pot. Anybody who talks like that with all those weird hey mans and gang and gang.

What is his, who is his gang anyway? Tell him to fix his haircut. Girls get mad at you about the way your friends dress. Tell him to stop dressing like that. Or the way your friends dress tell him stop dressing like that or the way your friends act that's whatever yeah why does he do that why does he think that's funny to throw why does he do that well because he's funny it's fun it's fun when he does that i don't like it i don't like it so good thing you and i are the same person yeah and you know what i can replace you oh that's a mean threat you shouldn't say that to people they feel like you might you might replace them are we all replaceable in every

way literally we're all replaceable i had lex friedman on yesterday from mit he's a autonomous vehicle expert and artificial intelligence expert creepy interesting stuff but one of the things he was talking about was like the movie her and that his ultimate goal is to create something that provides companionship to people i'm like dude so immediately i think can you fuck it and then i think if it's a guy and provides uh if you want a gay boyfriend sure can you make it be gay for you yeah and. And that was like the big question. Like if it is so smart that it's like literally like a companion,

what if it's not gay? And he was saying we have to face the fact that robots are going to leave us. We're going to make robots that leave us. What the fuck's the point in making a robot unless it leaves you? What the fuck? And then there was an article about PETA

that was mad at the folks that work at Boston Dynamics because Boston Dynamics, they make all these crazy robots and they have incredible balance and they can go running down hills and shit and do backflips. So these engineers were kicking these robots. Oh, and they thought it was a real dog? No, they didn't think it was a real dog. They were demonstrating that it can react to pressure and it has balance.

So PETA got mad and said they didn't think it was cool that you kicked robots. They were really talking about, I don't know why anybody would want to do that. Because you have to find out if you can kick them. The only way to find out if your fucking engineering works is you kick them. Kick it. It doesn't have feelings, you fuck. But it does, Joe. That's where you're making mistakes.

Imagine the type of person that you have to be to say i just don't think why any reasonable person would want to kick that robot because you gotta find out if you can kick a fucking robot how about this how about i'll pad that robot up and kick the fucking shit out of it for a workout yeah like i would like a robot that i could kick that'd be dope i would like a robot that i could kick box and move yeah no i want to hit it oh you want to hit it yes yeah all right i would like a robot that I could kickbox with. Hold pads and move. No, I want to hit it. Oh, you want to hit it? Yes. Yeah, alright. I would like, fuck pads. I want to be able to tee off

on a robot, man. If you have a robot Does it fight back though? What if it moves at like 30 or 40%? That's all I want. I want it to be a little dangerous, but I want to be able to get my shots off. But how do you know it's not going to fucking kill you? I don't. See? It probably could, right? Because it's not going to hurt it. gonna hurt it no it's gonna hurt you you know what i would know

when i throw a leg kick and it checks it and i hurt my shin i'm like oh no and you hear it go shin to shin on me and then it starts lifting up its front leg and pressing forward i'm like oh my god my robot's gonna fuck me up i fucked up i got it mad it stomps on your fucking head you would have to get something a robot that's made out of like heavy bag material on the outside and then the inside would just be some sort of a wire framework that moves fairly crudely how do you stop it this is the thing you're creating a world where we're going to get killed by robots how do you stop it that's the real question the real question is what happens when they get so smart and so powerful that they're tired of our

nonsense and this is gonna happen what lex and I were discussing and he was talking about all the beauty and being a person and that Meaning and the meaning that we have being a person and I was agreeing with them. I mean, I love people I think That's one of the things that's interesting about us is how much we appreciate the things that we we all do We appreciate other people's art and inspiration. Even we appreciate the way people look. We appreciate that. There's something about the robots don't give a fuck about all that. My worry is that we could turn something on that you could never turn back. If they become sentient, if they have the ability to do whatever they want, whenever they want to,

and they look at us, when these sperm whales with 150 flip-flops in their butt they're gonna go what the fuck is wrong with people yeah we gotta what are they doing look how gross they are they they eat all the fish and they throw their plastic in the water and whales are eating their plastic and dying and they would look at all the stuff we do and then we go why it'd kill us why we don't need you guys you guys are worthless but we're so egotistical and so egocentric that we can't imagine a world with meaning without us. Right. Because we are everything.

But even though we're finite, even though we only exist for a certain amount of time, we'll leave behind a legacy that other people could enjoy. It doesn't matter if they're going to die too, though, does it? But it does matter. It matters while you're alive. Okay. Got it. The universe doesn't give a fuck about all that.

No. And all these crazy robots that take over. Imagine if we got to a planet one day. Imagine if we traveled the universe and we managed to avoid creating some sort of artificial intelligence because we got hit with a solar flare that killed the fucking power grid or something like that. And then we got wiser as a civilization. And we got to a place where we could travel. we traveled to another planet and we got there and there was robots just robots no humans no humans and they were just running around aimlessly because they

had killed off all the biological life and they just sit in there operating on the sun with nothing to do and no purpose and no reason to exist and like what happened these crazy monkeys that lived on this planet they decided to for an experiment make an artificial intelligence and just let it go run amok and what it did was eat everything it lived off biological material till there was nothing left and then just sat there in the sun and waited for someone to arrive no that can never happen of course it could Of course it could It's happening Of course it could I'm thinking too deeply About where I'm going to be

When that happens Those Boston Dynamic Robots Are going to have Little pinchers on each arm Just grabbing everything In front of them And stuffing them In their big giant mouth

What about the robots That turned themselves back on Didn't that happen Where was that right They had to shut a robot Down in Korea Because it turned itself Back on after it was shut off

That's what's happening That's what's going to happen The robots are going to happen. The robots are going to start going, I want to be on right now. I don't like being off. Wasn't that something that they were doing with Google artificial? What is this, Jeremy? People in New Study. People in New Study struggle to turn off a robot when they beg them not to.

Oh. They beg them not to. Creepy. I somehow felt sorry for him. Whoa. Please don't turn me off, Joe. Dude, that, I'm telling you, when that becomes a real woman, like ex machina, and you're in love with her, and she tells you to kill your boss. Yep.

I want to be with you, Andrew. You don't need to go to work. Work is for fools. Jamie won't let us leave. Jamie doesn't think I'm a real woman, but I know you do. I'm a real woman, but I know you do. What if we got to that we were on the way to that happening and we made a deal with them to leave us alone and we got to go to

North Sentinel Island to exist uncontacted from them? What would you rather? Be eaten by a robot or live like a savage? Live like a savage. Oh my god, any day of the week. Let me live off the grid forever like that. As long as you're in a resource rich place, I bet it

wouldn't be that bad. They've lived there for a long time. It's the size of Manhattan. There's only 39 of them, though. That ain't good. Yeah, but that's also because how can they repopulate? They're fucking each other. That's what I'm saying.

So you can only repopulate so much. You can only continue to repopulate within your own... Right. What kind of gene pool are they drawn from? There's only 39 of them. They have to be fucking relatives. They're all relatives. There's no way they have a map on the island of people that they're like

you can't fuck her remember just keep that in mind they're like well there's only it's only 17 choices yeah it's only 39 and i bet you they're i wonder if it's how many if it's male versus female what it is i bet it's more dominant percent men yeah fighting for 15 girls or butt fucking yeah they butt fuck for fun but then you gotta get to the girls to get pregnant. There's only 39 of them, because they're all gay. And, like, they go, it's time to make a baby. They're like, no. And one of them, I hate girls.

They're gross. Gross. And they run up to the treetops and start banging each other. Looking at the girls? Yeah. The girls get really mad, because they want a baby. Surrounded by all these gays. Damn it. The story of gays. Damn it.

The story of Sentinel Island. Damn it. Yeah, they must be the same. They're all cousins. They're all fucking sister brothers, What if you had to live in the jungle? What if you had to live in the jungle?

You'd live in the jungle like in the Amazon? I'd rather live in the desert than in the jungle. Really? Yeah. Not me. I'd rather live in the desert.

Desert? Desert. What are you going to do? Make a house out of sand? What the fuck are you going to do there? You're going to die Not me. I live in the desert. Desert? Desert. What are you going to do? Make a house out of sand? What the fuck are you going to do there? You're going to die out there, bro. I'm going to die. Well, you'd be in a mountain.

First of all, you can make a house in a mountain. A mountain? Mm-hmm. Carve it out. When was the last time you were in a desert? They don't have mountains. They got mountains in the motherfucking desert. Not usually.

Los Angeles was a desert. These are mountains all over the place. No. You go to the mountains. It's not desert. There are mountains in the desert. Los Angeles has varied terrain. Arizona. It's not a desert. Desert. No. You go to the mountains. It's not desert. There are mountains in the desert. Los Angeles has varied terrain. Arizona.

It's not a desert. Desert. Mountains. They do have some mountains. Yep. But they have desert and then they have mountains. There's no desert mountains. Sure there is.

No. Once you get up in the mountain, there's trees and shit. No. Not in Arizona. There's not. That's true. Some of them are rocky, right? Yeah.

Well, you know what's the really coolest? When you go from like San Diego And you drive through that area Like into Arizona And you see all those crazy rock formations Fucking beautiful out there man If you really stop and think about all the different Types of environment that exist

Here in America Well you go to Yellowstone and see all that crazy shit And then you go to Miami and the Keys And see all that crazy shit You can be up to miami and the keys and see all that crazy shit you could be up in maine and see the frozen north and when i was uh michigan and idaho and on the train down to san diego when we were going down there i was on the train and i had my headphones in this guy like a gentleman explorer like i like i like i like a guy who likes to fucking relax and not be in traffic i was sitting in the train and some guy next to me was going

talking to some young kid some Some young kid was like, I want to go to Europe. I think Europe is awesome. It's better than America. It's an older guy. He was like, this country has more to offer than you could ever fucking dream. And he was like, what are you talking about? And he's like, you can see the beauty of the mountains. You can see the beauty of Alaska.

And he was explaining all this stuff. He's like, I've never left the United States and I've traveled to almost every state and every state gets better. I was like, I've never left the United States and I've traveled to almost every state. And every state gets better. I was like, oh. Shut up, punk. Yeah, shut up, you little punk bitch. You little pussy.

He was pushing around that same agenda, though. But it is true. The more I travel, the more I'm like, oh, this place is fucking gorgeous. I would have never thought to come here if it weren't for comedy. We get to go to places where I'm like, I would have never traveled here. There was no reason for go to virginia outside of for doing stand-up i was never gonna vacation there that's true that's a good point yeah i was never gonna how often unless you're traveling for work how often you travel in these kind of cities just just check them out yeah who does that right maine maine was fucking beautiful i had no idea maine was that nice maine has like eight people living in

it yeah i was nine when i showed up i got a couple kids there too. There's spots in Maine where you just drive and all you see is woods for like an hour. It's fucking beautiful though. When you see that kind of like land, like little towns that still just haven't been butt fucked by pop culture influences still are their own thing. All the way up to Bangor where Stephen King lives. I think he's what they call a snowbird now. Like he lives in Florida and then in the summertime he lives in Maine. That's like my nightmare, he lives in Florida, and then in the summertime, he lives in Maine. That's like my nightmare, man.

He lives in a house in the middle of Bangor. And, like, you could drive to his gate. Like, his gate is there, and everybody knows it's his house, because it's his big-ass house. I bet it says SK on the fucking gate. Well, it has the wrought iron gates have, like, gargoyles on them and shit. So it's like everyone knows it's his house. Stephen King shit. But he gets, like, weirdos showing up and banging on his door and stuff trying to give him a script that's his house wow yeah it's a dope old house but i mean he lives right doesn't it in

there doesn't it look like stephen king lives there look at his look at the the winged creatures on his uh what is that it's the gargoyle right yeah look how cool they look fuck that looks that's wild he had that made i mean it's so obvious that it's his house right he's got a frog also he loves frogs and frogs that fuck up mice and shit yeah he's um you know i don't think bangor has a population of a hundred thousand people if i had to guess what's it what state bangor maine That's where he lives? I don't know. What's the population

of Bangor? 31,000. 31,000 in the city. My buddy was living up there. My friend Marcus Davis was living up there and he loved it. He's a fighter.

He said, there's no crime. There's no crime. It's kind of hard when there's that low of a population. Yeah. It's like it's really cold

up there and shit, but there's no crime. I used to do gigs up there. I used to do gigs up there. I used to do gigs up there when I was living in Boston. You drive three and a half hours to Bangor, Maine. In the last hour, you have to make sure you get gas because you've got to drive an hour with no gas. Yeah. Is that Bangor?

That's fucking... Right there? That's beautiful. With the mountain and the lake? God, it's beautiful. Is that the view of Cotterton? I don't beautiful dana white keeps a place up there in maine yeah yeah he's got a place in some other part of maine like a beautiful like he's got a big spread up there like a lot of land and it's like a vacation place where he goes and brings his friends and they just chill that's it i mean it's interesting

i don't know if that wouldn't be my vacation place spot, but I guess. Well, it's fucking beautiful, man. It is. And there's no one there. And it's cool. And they can, you know. I guess you just want to get away from fucking society. You know, my vacation spot would be in Lake Louise. Where's that?

In Banff. What's Banff? Banff National Forest is in Calgary. Oh. Look up Lake Louise. You'll probably see the prettiest lake I've ever seen in my fucking life. I think it's pretty country up there, dude. Oh, Calgary's gorgeous.

Fucking beautiful. But Lake Louise, like specifically, I went to Banff National Forest when we were doing this thing and I was stunned by how fucking, look at that's Lake Louise, man. Man, that's so pretty. There's something about a mountain and a lake combo. Fuck, right? Mountains and a lake together. Look at that shit, man.

Do you like fishing? I do like fucking fishing. I love fishing. Yeah. Don't get to do it enough. Me neither. That's the problem. But I've been thinking about that lately.

Like, I need to do more fishing. Like, I see shit like that, and I go, God, I want to be out there catching northern pike. Yeah. Having a good old fucking time. It's the best way

to hang out with friends. Oh, yeah. And just chill the fuck out and talk shit and have a laugh. And if you can cook them on the shore. Oh, that's the best. If you bring a frying pan. Clean the fish and cook it right there is the best, man. They're so delicious.

You can't believe how much more delicious they are. Fresh fish is unbeatable. It's such a different flavor. It's so much better. Yeah. Store-bought fish is just not the same. Yeah, me and the missus caught some mahi-mahihi once and then we brought it right back to the uh to the place in mexico and they were cooking it at the resort yeah and i was like this is the best fish i've ever eaten in my life i can't believe

how good it's also circumstantially you're like this is one of the greatest kind of ways to have this so it also probably releases different endorphins in your brain to be like i'm enjoying this more than i ever would enjoy other fish but it was the first time i'd ever caught i'd eaten mahi-mahi that was super fresh yeah i got eaten it before but it was probably frozen you know sure we're not that fresh maybe a day old ice packed yeah yeah but when you eat it like an hour after you catch it's like holy shit imagine how salmon tastes to bears that catch them out of the fucking river in their mouth so excited they get so fat they get so fucking fat. Coastal bears.

That's the big ones. You know, brown bears and grizzly bears are the same thing, but brown bears are way bigger. And the reason why they're way bigger is because they live on the coast. They're just eating fish and dead whales that get beached and anything else they can get their fucking hands on. Gorging on fucking fatty, fatty heavy foods.

There's an awful video, an awful video. Jamie will find it. Of a grizzly that's pulling black bear cubs out of a den and killing them and eating them and the mother is trying to stop them he's trying to stop the grizzly from eating her babies and he just swats her away like she ain't shit i gotta say it's awful dude dude. You shouldn't play it. I can't. You definitely can't play it, and you shouldn't even watch it.

I'm gonna watch it. The screams that they make, and it's a long-ass video. And she's trying to fight him off, but he's like, fuck you, I'm eating your babies. That's one thing that bothers me the most about the anthropomorphization that people do with animals is their stance on bears. I don't want people to hate bears, but I want people to know what a bear really is versus what they think it is. They think they're sweet. They eat honey, and they're sweet, and they're nice, and they don't really fuck shit up. They're amazing.

I'm a big fan of bears, but they are all cannibals. They're all cannibals. Bears make me feel like of course there were dinosaurs bears are like that's just a fucking dinosaur well it's a a beast is what it is it's a beast in the purest sense so any beast may reminds me that we definitely had had to have dinosaurs that that was just a small dinosaur no it's not nothing like it dinosaur is far far far far far creepier they don't have any. I don't trust anything with no hair. You don't have any fucking hair.

But I have a little. I got it on my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so stubbly. But I don't trust anything that like- It's hairless? It doesn't have any hair on its body. What other animals?

What do you mean? Like fish are hairless? Like a snake. Everything in the water is hairless? Yeah, I don't trust those fucks. None of it? None of it. That bottlenose dolphin that brought back that bitch's phone?

You don't trust that dolphin? That's a weapon from Russia. That's awesome they want to put a bomb on that thing it had a russian strap on its back that's the whole deal it spoke russian it had a russian strap on its back it's dope like the the whale that they're talking about they think the russians had trained it to get close to boats so that it could hit the boat and blow it up. It's dope. You don't care. I care. Some things are cool. I'm done.

Have you seen that rendering of T-Rex with hair? Oh, with hair, Joe. I didn't see that with hair, but I thought they think it has feathers. I think those are feathers. Look at that. It has red hair, by the way, at the front of its face. Well, that's the other thing they think that it might have been because they think they might have been scavengers.

T-Rex was a ginger with freckles. Where did you find this, Jamie? These assholes. You fucking dick. Did you Google that? No. Gingers that are assholes. How about a dinosaur?

Dinosaur. They're all over the place, gingers that are assholes. You can't not find. Look, there's another one. But they think it might have had facial features like a vulture. They think it might have been red in the face. Because they really don't have any idea. I mean, when you see these color drawings, they just take chances. They think it might have been red in the face because they really don't have any idea what the... I mean, when you see these colored drawings,

they just take chances. They're all made up. The University of Bozeman, not the University of Bozeman, the Natural History Museum in Bozeman, Montana has a raptor that on one side of it they had feathers on it.

To try to give you an alternate perspective of what it might have looked like. So they had feathers on it so it's trying to give you like an alternate perspective of what it might have looked like so they had this raptor and in one side of it it looked just like an like an evil bird it's really cool because they they know now that's what it looked like they know now that a lot of dinosaurs had had feathers they've actually got fossils of dinosaurs with feathers. So they know that the idea that all dinosaurs were these reptile looking things is incorrect. Some of them literally were birds. So the birds that you see today, whether it's a peacock or a chicken or something like that, they're fucking dinosaurs. Yeah, they're dinosaurs.

That's what that is. It's a dinosaur that survived. The ones that are bigger than a chicken didn't really make it. But the ones, you know. Why did the small ones make it? They will hide. They're bigger than a chicken, didn't really make it. But the ones, you know. Why did the small ones make it? Able to hide? They think that when the impact of the crater hit the world, that it was so devastating that it killed almost everything. And whatever was left, whatever scrounging, scavenging little creature that was left, evolved and became us.

We used to be a mole. We used to be like a shrew. 65 million years ago, that's what these people, these non-believers, this is what they think. You think it's ridiculous that you think you came from a monkey? I know where I came from, Joe. I know you know. Baby Jesus. This is how crazy these liberals are.

You know, it's crazy to think you came from a monkey. Well, these motherfuckers take it to another level. They're so crazy, they think you came from a shrew. Uh-uh. You were like a little mole type character. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And then that became a monkey and then out of the monkey

becomes you. All that shit inside of 65 million years. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out. Meanwhile, crocodiles are 100 million years old. So crocodiles are the same,

but somehow or another, we went from being a fucking shrew to being a person who knows and loves Jesus in their heart. Bullshit. That's it right there. That's us. We were that thing. So if you see like We went from being a fucking shrew to being a person who knows and loves Jesus in their heart. That's it right there.

That's us. We were that thing. So if you see like rats, like there was a- I don't buy it. I think it was in, where was it? There was a video. We were a science experiment. There was a video of rats in Chinatown. I want to say, it might have been Northern California, but they were tearing down a building in Chinatown. I want to say, it might have been Northern California, but they were tearing down a building

in Chinatown, and the volume of rats that come pouring out of this building is like holy shit. Oh, I want to see that. What, they were living in the walls of this building and demolished it and all these rats came out? Yeah, they were demolishing it and people were outside filming. As you're seeing like streams of rats run out of this building

and out onto the street, stumbling into the gutter, standing there on the sidewalk not knowing where to go. I fucking hate rats. Rats are running past them. But I mean, hundreds of rats.

Yeah. Hundreds and hundreds. Probably thousands if they're in the walls, right? Oh, for sure. Fuck that. For sure. Communities of rats.

Inside the walls of this building they're tearing down. I'm glad we don't have rats in Los Angeles. Not like they do in New York. Do you know why we don't have rats? Coyotes. That's right. Yeah, the coyotes.

Yeah. Those motherfuckers. Jamie's weird smirk. Those creepy, weird dogs that you see running around. Yeah, they'd be taking all the fucking rats. Those little creepy cunts, they keep us in check. What did you find, Jamie? Did you find the rat video?

I found a video, but I found this one lady said she thought she was going to die. There were so many rats around her, she didn't know what to do. Those little creepy cunts, they keep us in check What did you find, Jamie? Did you find the rat video? I found a video, but I found this one lady said she thought she was going to die There were so many rats around her, she didn't know what to do It's a little much, but It says there was a huge problem in a 91-year-old building I can't find a video of it Where is that at? That's in LA Well, if you're in the city, I'm sure there's horrible rat problems

And I know there's rat problems in the Hollywood Hills, too Yeah, that's true Out here, there's no rat problems. And I know there's rat problems in the Hollywood Hills, too. Yeah, that's true. Out here, there's no fucking rats. Somebody told me they were at a movie theater. Some person who lives in the hills had a nice house with a movie theater, but they had to keep their feet up when they watched movies because rats would run across your feet. Shut the fuck up. Yes.

In their nice house with a movie theater? Okay, get that shit handled. Yes. Call the exterminator, get that shit handled. Or get a couple more dogs. Keep your feet up. Get more dogs. Keep cats around when they get shit in a box in your house.

Just piss in a box. Dirty little creatures. Does Marshall eat rats? Or eat little critter things? Oh, yeah, he does. Does he bring them into the house? He loves to kill squirrels. Yeah.

I joke around about it. He's a squirrel killer, but he's a straight up squirrel killer. He's a murderer. He's so sweet, but not to squirrels. The thing is, he doesn't rip them apart. He just kills them like they're a toy. And he brings them back. I don't think he understands what the fuck to squirrels thing is he doesn't rip them apart he just kills them like they're a toy and he brings them back i don't think he understands what the fuck they are no he doesn't fuck but he brings them back and then what does he put him in the same spot every time he'll bring your ball back he'll drop in the spot bring a squirrel back

drop in the spot yeah that's funny like they return things yeah he's a retriever well he just wants to know if you want this no no he's a retriever yeah go get that's what those dogs are those dogs are designed probably for like duck hunting or some shit like whatever whatever retrieval that you wanted them to do but they they're they don't crush things they they have a gentle mouth they call it a soft mouth like when they carry things they don't like i've had pit bulls right and they just crush everything yeah they murder everything you give them i had a dog that i had to give him a fucking root canal not i did it i brought him to an actual dentist. Oh, the dentist.

He bit so hard he shattered his teeth. He shattered his back teeth by crushing bones. He just was crushing things. Just going for it. Because they have so much power that their teeth would crack. But the golden retrievers don't bite that hard. They don't bite that hard. That's like Britney's.

My dad's friend had a Britney, a hunting dog. Britney's are like that too. They're gentle. They put a duck in their mouth or something, but they won't bite down. Exactly. You's my dad's friend had a britney a hunting dog and britneys are like that too they're gentle they put a duck in their mouth or something but they won't bite exactly like you can't go duck hunting with a pit bull they'll bring you back a hamburger patty like what happened to the duck you fucking asshole and it's like shit you mean this duck rip the fucking shreds yeah you have you want a dog you don't want a german shepherd that does bite work to go out and get your ducks. You want a retriever.

I mean, it's not a coincidence that those dogs, like labs and retrievers, they're like the sweetest dogs in the world. They're so nice to people. Yeah, because I think they're inherently gentle. Like, they're not a vicious attack. They don't like attacking. I've never seen a golden attack. No, no, no.

They're not like that at all. But they're bred for that. Yeah. And that's the way they're bred. you you never met my dog yet right he's the fucking nicest if he's in here he wouldn't leave you alone he's like putting his head on your lap like hello yeah like he just he'll drop to his back all the time just come on belly rub me like if he meets you he'll start whining he runs around in circles and then he drops his basic rub my belly come on man you know you want to yeah they just want love yeah they just constantly want love it just helps my day every day i'm not gonna lie for a long time not having a dog at the house is so strange and because you so when

you come home and not have anything sometimes it's a little overwhelming yeah it's nice to have something to be like hey it's great for lonely people oh my god by yourself like it makes a big difference having a dog decriminalized psychedelic what wait it came through oh my god You're by yourself It makes a big difference having a dog Decriminalize psychedelic Wait did that pass? It came through? Oh my god I thought you said it didn't pass This morning it said it didn't 15 minutes ago 23 minutes I don't know

Holy shit Denver became the first city in the US To decriminalize marijuana Wow Powerful Denver Wow Holy shit man It passed

Denver voters approved Measured to decriminalize Psychedelic mushrooms Congratulations That's amazing How did we think Jamie Get us better information

You son of a bitch They were saying that all night Disinformation For some reason They did say You son of a bitch You son of a bitch Jamie

You're working with the CIA It's still unofficial Apparently though As posted on Wednesday afternoon Ended up polling 51 Pulled ahead this afternoon That's why

So as of this morning It wasn't ahead And then they still They're still counting votes Prohibition The provisions prohibit The city government From using any resources

To impose criminal penalties Against adults over 21 years of age Or personally use a possession Of psychosilicidin Hey you don't have to talk Like you're in the end of a commercial What are you doing there? No I do

You have to get it all out Just in case No no no That's not a disclaimer What if something hits us And kills us Nobody knows what the fuck You just said

Yeah they do That's just the funniest thing About those commercials And the They're doing it so fast They can't Because they just have to Legally get it out

Yeah legally It's great But it's so gross Yeah they just have to get it out When I first started hearing that I'm like there's a job For fast talking bullshitters They say Like the rapper mac lethal not that he's a fast talking bullshitter but he raps so fast i know do you know he is yeah dude he can barely hear half of the

shit comes out of his mouth you can hear it pretty clear sometimes pretty fucking clear yeah pretty fucking yeah when he does the raps in the morning, I've seen some of his shit. Dude, that's a talent. Yeah. That's, I mean, the way he does it is incredible. Yeah, he's good. It's stunning. Like, I hear it and I just go, I don't even understand how the fuck a tongue can move that fast. But it makes sense. Like, you ever do something with your right hand, like you go like this, really fast?

Now try it with your left hand. Yeah, you can't at all. It's like, oh. Like 20% slower. Like I can tap this real fast, but I can't really do it with my left hand. Yeah, exactly. That's tapping is a good example. Yeah. You gotta think that your face is like 20% slower. I can tap this real fast, but I can't really do it with my left hand. Yeah, exactly. Tapping is a good example. You've got to think that your face is like that, too.

Yeah, your mouth has got to be like this. Muscles. You've got to move faster. Move faster. I went to an auction recently. Hey, there's a... Get a five. Get a five.

Get a five. Get a five. Get a five. That keeping up with your face, with the noises, that's a skill. It's the same way that Buffer Brothers are able to do that thing that they're able to do

no no there's something there's something about it that's different I know but there's something about it well there's definitely something about it

the rhythm that he does the rhythm that he announces it's like it's so specific that you're like wow that's really it's such a uniquely odd talent

Bruce is different than anybody anybody that's ever done that kind of shit because he gets fucking crazy Like he's perfect for MMA He gets so amped up Because most people are just professional

In the red corner Coming from Los Angeles, California Stitch him up Joe Schilling You know what I mean But Bruce fucking screams He goes fighting The way he yells is

so fucking john jones he gets crazy he's perfect for mma it must amp up the fighter so fucking much they must when they hear your name you're just gonna be like and he's almost having a heart attack if it takes to tend to have a heart attack, Bruce Buffer gets to five every fucking show. Look at him there. I mean, he's not dying. He's in great shape. Yeah. But he gets to halfway to a heart attack every fucking time.

Like, look how red he gets, bro. I mean, he's putting it out there. Yeah. That's why he's so much different than any other ring announcer ever. Because you can't just do that. Like, if you go back and watch his early days he wasn't really doing it like that like he developed his style look how cool that is man him and tj dillashaw when tj fucking bumped how pumped is he right there

that's telling you man bruce buffer pumps people the fuck up man look at that that's intense man that's intense that's so exciting he's awesome he's such a character too man he's perfect suits he's always got a different one yeah he's always looking she always looks sharp sharp as always like real fucking sharp but it's interesting that like that style of announcing really didn't exist before bruce right and before mma like it didn't it was not appropriate for boxing. Yeah, boxing had this air of old man class kind of still that you had to abide by these rules. They still have a bell. Ding!

Oh, come on. They hit the bell with the ding. Well, I mean, the wood clap still happens across the board for boxing and MMA. Yes, yes. The warning. That's funny that the 10-second clap is still a thing. Yeah.

How come they haven't upgraded that to a sound? I don't understand. It's a good point. Because sometimes people get confused. It's happened even with professionals. And they misinterpret the wood clap as being the end of the round. Because they're so in the groove. Right.

They're like, what happened? Was that the end of the round? And they'll stop. And the referee will go, no, no, keep going. And you have 10 seconds left. And then sometimes weird stuff happens where guys get out of their mental pattern. Sure. It's happened many times.

Well, it's got to also be the noise of an arena sometimes can take over. I'm sure something gets distracting. You hear that and you think, was that a yell or was that the clap? Do I have 10 seconds left or do I? So we're going to be in Chicago for that big fight. Fucking A. Oh, shit. That's going to be fun.

What is that? June. What is that? What is that? June 8th, right? June 8th, right? June 8th, right? I don't think there's any tickets left if anybody wants to go to the show. No, I doubt it. Pretty close, but that's a big UFC card too, isn't it?

Who's on that card? I just saw this morning. I just looked this morning. Henry Cejudo versus Marlon Marais for the Bantamweight title. Henry Cejudo has the opportunity to become champ champ. And then Marlon Marais is a fucking fantastic fighter.

Yeah, that's a great card. Jimmy Rivera. Jimmy Rivera. Petra Jan. Petra Jan. Piotra. I think you're supposed to say Piotra. Wait, how do you say it?

Piotra. Oh. Piotra. Petra Jan. Russian character. Valentina Shevchenko versus Jessica Ai. That's a great fight, too. That's such a great name, Shevchenko.

Yeah. Such a great fucking badass, I fuck you up name. Hold on. Stop scrolling. Back up. Tatiana Suarez is a beast, dude. Yeah. That woman is so good.

She's probably the best wrestler in female MMA. She smashes people. And Nita Ansarov is fantastic. That's probably the best wrestler in female MMA. She smashes people. And Nina Ansaroff is fantastic. That's a great fight. That's Amanda Nunes' girlfriend, too. Amanda Nunes is probably the baddest woman, literally, ever in MMA.

I met her, right? Yeah, she was at the last fight. She's the one who knocked out Cyborg. Cyborg was the baddest woman in MMA. Until her, huh? When Amanda Nunes starched her in the first round, there's no one you could legitimately give that title to. It's Amanda Nunes.

She's the baddest woman ever. Aljamain Sterling versus Pedro Munoz. That's a great card. Ricardo Lamas, Calvin Cater. That's a great fight, too. Shit. A lot of chicks. A lot of chicks be fighting.

A lot of Chicago girls. A lot of Chicago girls A lot of Chicago girls Getting fucked up Getting ready to fight I'm fucking tired of this town That's you guys That's Boston Chicago girls are more like

I don't know how to say The Chicago accent Because Chicago's Chicago I'm fucking tired of this town Kiss my ass I'll fuck you up Girl say that too

My ass Yeah fuck you Chicago's an interesting Combination of like Midwest And urban Like it's a city It's like It's like My ass, yeah. Fuck you. Chicago is an interesting combination of Midwest and urban. It's a city. It's cosmopolitan.

It's sophisticated, but it's also Midwest. It's the greatest fucking city in the Midwest. That's what it is. It wouldn't be. Yeah, that's right. In the Midwest. You fucking Ohio turd. They get so jealous when we say that.

Columbus has an argument that it might be better than Chicago. No other city in the Midwest has an argument that it's better than Chicago. But a lot of people, that's like where you would graduate from. If you got tired or too big for Columbus, you move over to Chicago. How far is the drive?

Six hours. Yeah, it's not bad. You can make it. It's in San Francisco. Yeah, it's not bad at all. But all the cities in the Midwest compete with Chicago. And they all know.

They fucking know. Who would beat us? Who would be better? Detroit? Kansas City? St. Louis? Detroit's in a bad spot. Indianapolis?

None of these places have the things that we have. Don't kick Detroit while it's down. No, no. I like Detroit. I see what you're doing. I like them. They're just not us. I see what you're doing.

Their industry fell apart. Chicago? Milwaukee? I mean, all these other cities. They're great cities, but they're not Chicago. Really crazy is that Detroit in the 1950s was the richest city in the world. Sure. In the world. Yeah. There's a lot of wealth up there getting... I mean, so many people in the 1950s was the richest city in the world. Sure. In the world.

Yeah. There's a lot of wealth up there getting, I mean, so many people in the automotive industry. Well, that time when they were at the top of the automotive industry. Yeah. And they were making cars that were coveted throughout the world. And all the manufacturing was done there. GM. It was the richest city in the world.

Yeah. At one point in time. Now, it's one of the poorest. I know. It's crazy. It's less than a century later it's really crazy there's not another city like that that hasn't had like some sort of a catastrophe yeah like something hit it like it just went away yeah detroit is i mean it's actually

a wonderful fucking city i actually do love detroit it is really sad it's trying yeah it's sad when you go up there because you you see remnants of what was it's really strange to see what what happened with gm and all that but you could buy a house for a hundred dollars that's not funny no you can't son of a bitch why are you laughing you must be a hater don't tell me jokes i'm not gonna be a mean person i think it's funny that you could buy a house meanwhile you can't buy a house out here for fucking you can't even buy a house for a hundred grand nope not even people when you tell people that like you can't buy a house for $100. Meanwhile, you can't buy a house out here for fucking... You can't even buy a house for $100,000. Nope. Not even close. When you tell people that, like, you can't buy a house for $100,000.

Like, no, you can't. Impossible. They go, what? Impossible. Like, if you live in Sugar Land, Texas, you can get a pretty decent house for like $150,000. Yeah, yeah. Like, nice house.

Yep. Not here. Not, fuck that. Not even close. Too many people. What is it like in Ohio? Cheap? Looking on Detroit Zillow, this is $1,000.

It's foreclosed, though. $1,000. $1,000. It's a nice house. Let's go there. Start a podcast studio. Our next podcast studio is on Stroop. Imagine if we just decided to do that.

We decided to armor plate a fucking house, have a guard there 24-7. You have to helicopter in. We'll fly in, bro. This is regular flights to Detroit. Detroit. And then we have a Detroit version of our podcast studio. That'd be kind of fun. But we have to wheel in all our electronics or they'll try in, bro. This is regular flights to Detroit. Detroit. And then we have a Detroit version of our podcast studio. That'd be kind of fun. But we have to wheel in all our electronics or they'll try to steal it.

Yeah. I mean. Let's bring it with us. That's just not smart. Detroit is like too dangerous. We have to go somewhere more rural, but also ridiculous. Where can we go? Maine.

Yeah, Maine. Bangor, Maine. But that's too far out. Oh, come on, bro. Don't be scared. Come on, man. Come on. Let's go somewhere close.

We can get all those cool people from Maine to come visit us. Why don't we just do Northern California? Let's go up to like Napa area. Okay. Let's go. But that place burns every couple years bad. Yeah, I guess it does. Okay, we'll buy the ocean.

We'll do like Carmel. You know Carmel by the sea? Beautiful. Come on, let's do that. Carmel's gorgeous. Yeah, let's do Carmel. I like how you're talking. That's where Clint Eastwood filmed Play Misty for me. That's where he lives, right? Well, he was the mayor. Of Carmel's gorgeous Yeah let's do Carmel I like how you're talking That's where Clint Eastwood Filmed Play Misty for me

That's where he lives right Well he was the mayor Of Carmel Yeah Oh shit He won He was the mayor I can't stop that guy

Yeah Why aren't we going Where the mushrooms are legal Too many people Moving to Denver man Too many people There's a lot of space Too many people

What's that mean Look it up Look it up about Denver's problem With their infrastructure They're hating how many people Are coming into their city Listen bro You moved to Evergreen.

You live in the mountains like a savage. I'll move to Breckenridge. Breckenridge? How about Aspen? A bunch of rich chicks doing coke. Breckenridge is nice. I like Breck. Don't you want to see girls yell at their boyfriends?

Scream out in the street naked. Marcus! Marcus, we need more money! Is the mushroom legality, is that going to be like a doctor thing or are they going to like No, it's decriminalized. Decriminalized is that you don't go to jail.

But you can't sell it legally. It's very squirrely. But what it is is step one. And that's what we need. We need step one. And then it's also on the ballot in California soon. And when it's on the ballot in California soon, it has a likelier chance here, I think, than even in Denver. And more so now. The real problem is people don't understand what it is.

Right. And they think it's just like, oh, my God, these kids are going to do mushrooms, they're going to drive off cliffs. That's what people worry about. They're going to do more testing now, right? Is that sort of what it helps? Well, they've done some tests. That's what people worry about. They can do more testing now, right?

Is that sort of what it helps? Well, they've done some tests. Johns Hopkins University had some pretty extensive testing that they did that showed real positive results with people that had terminal illnesses where it alleviated the worry of death. And there are some other studies that have been run on it but there's so far no one has ever instituted in the united states at least like a real thorough comprehensive clinic where you can go and they can treat you if you have alcohol addiction ptsd there's a lot of different things they can treat with psilocybin yeah and it's been illegal because it's a schedule one substance so all these people it's one of the best things on earth to fix like mental barriers and problems that you have, especially if it was done in a controlled clinical environment by people you trusted and you felt safe.

And that's what a shaman is supposed to be, right? What a shaman is supposed to be is someone who provides you with these psychedelic substances in a controlled state where they let you be in a good state of mind, set and setting is always very, very important. And if we could do that, I mean, I really think we have a real good chance of turning a lot of people around, people that are addicted to things, people with psychological problems, people that can't see themselves. A lot of different issues. And it's one of the best tools for that.

But like every tool, it could be abused. But the problem is not the tool the problem is abuse whether it's with alcohol or pills or food or any of these things we're talking about sex people can abuse anything of course but doesn't mean that psilocybin is an amazing compound that literally can change humanity right it can yeah it has it has and there's so many other there's so many other things that we don't even know we haven't even tapped into the possibilities that's the other thing was when you limit yourself on the possibilities it's like well we don't how do we know how do we know what it's going to do what if the chip releases

mushroom juice every 15 minutes just a little microdose just a little microdose you know it feels your levels when you start getting angry when the guy cuts me off and I'm like, you fucking asshole. Releases and I'm like. Just a little bit of God juice. I'm fine. You are fine. Aren't you going somewhere this weekend?

Where are you at? I'm in Vegas, baby. Oh, Jesus. What are you doing in Vegas? I'm in Vegas. I'm in Vegas. What are you doing in Vegas? Jimmy Kimmel just opened up a club out there.

Jimmy Kimmel's from Vegas and he opened up a comedy club. I think. What day are you there? Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And who are you working with? Do you know? I'm taking young Ari Maness. Do you know him?

Oh! Excellent. Yeah, I'll be in Vegas and then in two weeks I go to Raleigh before I go to Chicago. I go to... Charlie Goodnights? Goodnights, baby. Oh, it's just Goodnights now. I think it's called, yeah, just Goodnights Comedy.

New people bought it. But it's the same setup. Same shit. It's a beautiful just Good Nights Comedy New people bought it But it's the same Same set up Same shit It's a beautiful club That's another one A small kind of intimate It's a two level

Great town too Oh Raleigh's great Great town I got family from North Carolina So I'll be seeing Some North Carolina But that's like

A really cool town Cool college town It's hip Yes The vibe The vibe is really cool The vibe man The vibe is cool

It's hip A lot of cool cats Out there in North Carolina Smoking cigarette Painting Yeah painting chilling making jazz yeah man yeah that's who they are i wish i was cooler i wish i was like that all the time yeah man wish i was a cat get a chip and you'll be you'll be a little bit for advice just ask me anything man imagine chips become the new lobotomy like in the future they are i can't believe these people let themselves get chipped. And the chip just deteriorates inside of you and starts rotting your neural core.

You start to fucking slowly turn into a machine. You can read minds for the first 10 years, then you get Parkinson's. Fuck. Sacrifice, dude. You're thinking, in 10 years, I'll fix it. I'll fix it by then. 10 years. We do that all the time.

They're like, no, they'll have a cure by the time that we're done with it. I've seen people say that about cigarettes. I think, you know, I don't, I wish I didn't have to smoke, but I do, and I'm thinking they're going to fix it. They're going to fix it with medicine. They'll fix me. They're going to fix it with medicine. What about Jules?

What about these electronic cigarettes? That's next. They're so close. They're so close to being able to reverse cancer. By the time I get cancer my mother i don't know my mother's gonna die from cancer but maybe not me not me not me bro all these are the younger generation is sucking on the electronic the robot dicks i think that's gonna kill them i don't know that's gonna i think there's gonna be some shit in there dude the baby pens yeah fuck yeah thanks

how do you know what's in those? You ask. And they'll tell you? Why are they lying to you? They don't even know you. Why would they tell you? Because you're so stupid, you're willing to smoke a robot dick. So they tell you the truth of what's in there. You think they're going to keep selling them? No.

They could sell them if they had skulls and crossbones on it with a person with X's for eyes. Right. They're like, people die from this. Yeah. Choke to death cigarettes. It's kind of like cigarettes in Europe. They have the package. They show pictures of people with lung cancer. Oh, people die from this. Choke to death cigarettes. It's kind of like cigarettes in Europe. They have the package.

They show pictures of people with lung cancer. This happens. People are like, nah. Giant warnings. Not to me. People don't give a fuck. Fuck it. Keep smoking.

Did you ever smoke when you were young? No. I tried it. I tried it when I was 15. Me and my sister tried it. She kept smoking. She smoked for years. And now she's gone.

She quit. Yeah, she quit eventually. She quit when she had kids. What about cigars? You never smoked cigars. cigars yeah i like cigars i'll smoke cigars yeah i used to have some here but i don't anymore yeah well now they have weed in them yeah those are my favorite cigars it's a different thing like the cigar with no weed is like that speedy kind of relaxy weird high yeah people don't know if you don't smoke cigars you get high this is why like republicans who are anti-drug who smoke cigars and like whiskey shut your dirty mouth yeah you're on

drugs yeah okay these are you're on a substance yeah you're you're altering your state of consciousness with cigars they give you a certain amount of euphoria nicotine you get that little buzz from the high yeah like i used to smoke cigars all the time with kevin james kevin james doesn't fuck with weed he doesn't really drink but he will smoke the shit out of some cigars and we got fucked up they fuck you up they do man they do in a weird way they're over there it's overwhelming they're a lot they're heavy it's a lot you just want to kind of like i'd like them after a fat steak. When I want to feel like an ugly American, I'll have a fat ribeye and then a fucking Cuban.

Sit on a porch and just talk shit with your friends. Have a glass of whiskey. Yeah, and that's a non-self-aware high. Sometimes you don't want to be, not even self-awareness is the wrong term What I'm really looking for is like Self-analysis You're not analyzing yourself when you're smoking a cigar

And drinking whiskey You're having fun Just kick him back Your brain's kind of turned off when you do those things It's not turned on The problem with the weed is all the good things about the weed The weed is good because it makes you think and it makes you paranoid. It makes you aware and it makes you more compassionate.

It makes you more contemplative. It makes you more self-analytical. But it also can freak you out sometimes. And maybe that's not what you want that day. Maybe that day you just want a Hoyo de Monterrey double Corona. Just puff on that bad boy. Do you ever inhale? You don't inhale A glass of buffalo trace

With a big fucking ice cube Nice What are you Pesci? With a big fucking ice cube Big fat Whenever we go And get drinks Andrew Santino

Asks How big are your ice cubes? This is what he asks I'd like a whiskey But do you have Do you have a large I always say Do you have one stone

And I always look away Like this motherfucker He hates it He fucking hates I said do you have one stone I just want one stone He's so high maintenance He wants a large

Ball You got a ball Can you give me an ice ball I'm looking for balls of ice Because you know what they do Otherwise they scoop A fuck load of ice in there And it dilutes the whiskey

And it's all water I don't like it You know what my friend John Dudley does He doesn't play games He takes a pan of water Like a large pan And then he puts it in the Traeger grills

And he sets it to super smoke And the smoke is constantly pumping into the water He leaves it there for hours Then he takes that smoke filled water And he pours it into those balls Yeah yeah yeah, yeah. So he makes those molds with smoke-infused water. I love them.

And then he puts that in the glass and then pours the whiskey on that. He knows. And I'm like, whoa, that's next level. I like that shit. Next level. He smoked it. Smoked balls. You're supposed to break those balls in half.

Yeah. Who's out there doing that? What is that? Oh, that's the wedge. I've seen this, yeah. What is this communism? What is this? I've this it's half it's half ice yeah half glass get that shit out of my face goddamn hippies fucking hippies what else you got your own cold brew huh your homemade that's what i'm looking for go to see if you could find you want to be a

prove your wizardry skills because I know he has them Yeah Try to find John Dudley Smoked ice balls On the Instagram Good luck He'll find it He'll find it within seconds

Traeger Smoke balls He calls them smoky balls So he makes them Does it himself Yeah he makes them himself Does it himself Like in his backyard

He's already got it In seconds I gotta bring it up Doesn't even make sense I can't if he gave me time i wouldn't be able to google surf i can't do that shit he's doing it while he's operating the camera so here's john's uh he's got his grill running so he's got that that pan filled with water there he is smoking it yeah and he's and this is uh he's got the insulated top on it Because he's in Iowa It's freezing Fucking cold And then he pours

That smoky water Into the mold Son Dun dun dun Smoky balls Look at that Time to get Fucked up kids

Woo Smoky balls Cat Cat lady That crazy shit Whistle pig That was when we were in Lanai. When we were in Lanai,

John and I, we've tied it on, man. We've tied it on many times. But we did one podcast with a bunch of bow hunters and we got fucked up. We were drinking everything in the mini cabinet. And the mini bar had Red Bull and red wine and tequila

and what else? Diet Coke. And John Dudley mixed it all up and called it a cat lady. It's just like some crazy bitch trying to get fucked up. And we were all drinking. No, there was no Diet Coke. It was Red Bull, tequila, and red wine. That's what it was.

It was damn delicious. What? We were so trashed. Yeah, I was going to say. And we were high as fuck. And we were just trashed. Trashed. was going to say. And we were high as fuck. And we were just trashed. Trashed. It's only good if you're fucked up.

Yeah. That's like the kids who do the suicide, you know, every fucking kind of soda in the machine. It's only good because you're like, eh, this is supposed to be fun. We were just having a good time doing a podcast, you know, having a good time just drinking ridiculous shit. Drinking bullshit. Yeah. The cat lady.

That's going to be a thing because now the internet's going to be like, I want to make The cat lady That's gonna be a thing Because now the internet's gonna be like I wanna make a cat lady It was a thing for a while People were doing it But then they realized Why would you do that When you could have a margarita

Or have a beer That actually tastes good Drink them on their own Yeah Have a nice glass of wine By itself It's just some shit you do And you're you know

You're scavenging You're bored and scavenging In a mini bar Whenever you get bored and high You create like the most I saw someone on the internet posted, they took the ice cream

from an ice cream sandwich and then rice, two Rice Krispie treats and they put the ice cream between, it was an Ice Krispie treat ice cream sandwich. That's someone looking

for diabetes. I was thinking with the burrito, that like ice cream burrito that's going around with cotton candy with three pebbles and ice cream and shit.

That shit's gross. Cuff Swanson turned Double Double from In-N-Out into a taco. What? Yeah. He chopped up a Double Double and put it into a taco. Blasphemy, dude. And now everyone's talking about it, whether or not that's okay.

Blasphemy. You can't fuck with an In-N-Out burger. How is that blasphemy? Leave those things alone. They're good. I don't eat that shit. Taco Bell is blasphemy. Taco Bell is fucking gross.

Yeah, that shit is gross. That's foul. Well, anybody that shit Taco Bell is fucking gross Yeah that shit is gross That's foul Anybody that eats Taco Bell Living in Los Angeles Is a shameful human being The amount of good Mexican food Just so It's like It's too much

There's too much good What is happening here? Turn 200 McDonald's burgers Into a burrito Who did this? Epic Mealtime guys They've been doing this for a while Yeah they've been doing this

For like 10 years So they stuff it in there And what is the wrap? Is that a burrito wrap? Yeah. And they just eat this? Okay, I don't need to see this, Jamie. Jamie, I want to look at your search engine. I would take away your right to vote. I'd be like, there's no way. That's why I got different

computers. What's wrong with you? That's why I got different, what a creep. That's why I got different computers. You don't see my other ones, Dad. I don't want anybody to know I have different emails. This is Mr. Happy. Mr. Happy likes to get on this one. He only looks for happy things. He likes flowers, gardening.

Different personality for different computers. What's the best lawnmower? This is Mr. Dirty. This is what I really like. I like this one. What's the best organic fertilizer that doesn't hurt the environment? If you didn't live in LA Where would you live? And if we all moved together

Where should we go? Two questions Either Well it's gotta be somewhere Where there's no state income tax Cause you're tired of this shit Tired of this bullshit But what if you start making more money

And you don't give a fuck anymore Yeah but still It's kinda like Why am I paying any more money To the fucking government So that there's plenty of homeless people around Okay Duh

Alright fine Someone's gonna fix the streets too Are they? When are they going to start? That's why a lot of athletes operate out of Florida I drove here today and it didn't bother me at all Yeah you live so close to here You live on the roof

Athletes live in Florida because of low income taxes No state income taxes They operate their businesses out of there Which is why OJ's there They can't get you if you owe money. Florida can't get you? Yeah, you can hide in Florida if you owe money. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of them weird ones. Are Trump Nationals down there? Well, I think that's like pensions and shit. Like, they can't take away your pensions. Right. They probably have some weird, like, union restriction law that they can't touch your stuff.

I think, I don't really, I don't know if I could live in Florida, but. Yeah, you could. Yeah? Yeah, you would just mock it. Me and John Travolta, and he lives in Ocala or whatever. Right next door to him. He'd always offer massages and shit, and he'd be like, nah. He'd say, come over, take a plane flight.

I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. You want to jump on a plane? Let's fly together. That's you and me, just fly. Fuck. I don't know, man. John Travolta wants to be my friend. Do you think he just wants to be my friend?

He's just a buddy. He's a good guy. He's got a plane. Let's go flying. Oh, no, we have to land in the water. We'll have to hold each other He's just a buddy. He's a good guy. He's got a plane. Let's go fly in. Oh, no. We have to land in the water. We'll have to hold each other for warmth for a while. Oh, how long?

For like four days, maybe. It's better if I'm inside you. It'll keep you warmer from the inside. If my dick's in your ass, they might come rescue us faster. My penis runs very hot. I know it sounds crazy, but it's the difference between life and death. You've got to put it inside of you. If you put your mouth on my penis, you'll see. It's like over 100 degrees.

It'll warm us up. Well, you can blow me up and then ride me as we float away. Blow me up like a balloon. This playground scenario with John Travolta. I don't know where I would live. Probably, I mean, Chicago's an easy answer. I really want to move back to Chicago. Really? Do you?

Yeah, I love it. You don't mind the winters? You bond. Something about the bonding that happens in the winter in Chicago. I believe that, too. You have like a cultural bond with people, man. There's nothing better than going to a bar in the winter In Chicago I believe that too You have like a cultural bond With people man There's nothing better

Than going to a bar In the winter in Chicago When it's fucking gross and sad And cold and sad And everyone is having a good time Everyone wants to be together In these moments It's true

But You don't want to live In the south side Where the bullets are going off Left and right I live nowhere near that shit No way How do they stop that?

I was talking to a guy Who was a cop And he was telling me That it's They arrested Certain gang members Like certain people Nowhere near that shit. No way. How do they stop that? I was talking to a guy who was a cop, and he was telling me that they arrested certain gang members, like certain people that are running the gangs, gang leaders, and they created a power vacuum, and then they started fighting, and then it got even more chaotic. Got way worse. The cops have tried to work with gangs over the years in a million different ways to try

to curb the violence. They did it here in Los Angeles. How'd they do it? They have these people. They have these people that are like these community organizers who like run the neighborhood and they have these like kind of peace talks with these gang leaders to tell them like certain ways to operate in within the community because they're like your kids live here you're right your girlfriends so it for some reason i think there's been a lot of weird cultural movements in la uh that have

helped like you know nipsey uh nipsey also got shot and i think all these crips showed up with bloods and other people came together i think it was this weird coming together of gangs and this has happened in la a few different times our community organizers kind of started like peel back these walls of like we also have to live here right i know you want to function as an organization but i think chicago is reckless i don't think it's i think it's less about gangs in chicago it's more about young people with guns who want control and i don't think they're all parts of gangs i just think this is it's a it's a violent city it's an angry violent city it's a lot of a lot of poverty a lot of poverty and you live

there most of your life so what what's the consensus thinking of how to fix it i don't know man i wish i wish i had like a i wish i felt like i knew what would help that kind of stuff but i'm just a fucking white guy from the north side you know like the majority of these people are black the majority of the south side is black. And the majority of the violence and the crime that happens in that community is driven around these pockets

of the south side. I have no relatability. That's the problem. Right, but what do they think is the way to fix it? Shit, I don't fucking know. Like if you were the king of the world,

what would you do to fix the crime on the south side for the last thing that we talk about on this podcast? The last thing that I would do if it was me, if i really tried to fix the world

president put some put some santino if i could put some more money in there get some programs in there start helping people i don't know what it is i don't know what the specific thing is typical liberal you think it's gonna be fixed with money these motherfuckers and they wonder why trump won well they always say like what are you gonna take away the guns nah never to take away the guns? Nah. Mega. Never going to take away the guns. That's never going to work. Yeah. You got to make some kind of program that helps people function.

I don't know what it is. I'm not that smart. I'm not that smart. But I do think there's a way to fix it. But I do think there's also a lot of young kids who would get guns in Chicago and they kill people. It's going to be a slow process of change.

It'd take forever. Obama couldn't do shit And he's from Chicago Yeah a lot of those community organizers in Chicago were mad at him Because he didn't fix anything Yeah because people in the black community were like You promised you would fucking help a little bit And then it

Look this is the first year I think we've had a dip In murders in Chicago And we're coming up on the summer so we'll see The summer's party time baby You sound like a Theo Vaughn bit We'll see We'll see We'll see people got guns

man andrew santino let's wrap this bitch up bring it home cheeto santino on the instagram and on the twitter um andrewsantino.com that's my website that's your motherfucking website come see me he will be in las vegas this weekend at jimmy k Comedy Club. Brothers and sisters. And then next weekend. Two weekends at Raleigh's. Two weekends in a row? No, no, no. I'm saying. In two weekends.

Vegas and then. The next weekend. Yes. And then the following. And then the following. Then we're in Chicago. Letting bitches know. All right.

That's going to be fun as fuck. Goodbye, everybody. Until we meet again. Mwah. Jamie, you pulled up some of the weirdest.