The Joe Rogan Experience - #1296 - Joe List

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

Joe List is a stand up comedian. He co-hosts a podcast called "Tuesdays w/Stories" with Mark Normand available on Spotify. You can also see him on "The Standups" Season 2 now streaming on Netflix.

Joe List, ladies and gentlemen. Joe List! I'm already in. I'm already going. I want to do it like one of the morning DJ guys. I appreciate it. Hey, Joe, I hear you're in town for the funny fuck. I am.

I'm doing the funny fuck this weekend, tonight through Sunday. Excellent. Actually, you are working with me tonight. Yeah. We have two sold-out shows at the Hollywood Improv. I appreciate it. I'm excited to be there. It's going to be fun.

It's going to be The Machine, Bert Kreischer. Love Bert. And Cheeto Santino. Andrew Santino. You know Andrew? I know Andrew, but I don't know if I don't know him personally. You just know all of them. He's hilarious. Yeah. Should be a good old fucking time. Yeah, I'm excited. Thanks for having me. My pleasure. How long are you in town for?

I leave tomorrow morning. I got here on Sunday. I got here Saturday, actually. I stayed down Manhattan Beach. What are you doing? You're posh, hanging out with the people by the beach? It was night. I was down at the airport. My wife is here.

And I said, let's go down to Manhattan Beach for lunch. And we were enjoying ourselves. So we got a hotel and made love and walked on the beach. Whoa, you made love. Yeah. You must really love her if you made love. I do. Ooh.

I went to a party once in Manhattan Beach. And the guy collected toasters. Oh. And I was like, what is this? And he was like, oh, I just collect toasters. I'm like, okay. From all different time periods. Like, he had an ancient toaster from, like, the 50s with all this patina on it, and then

he had modern toasters. But I think he was trying too hard. You know, some dudes just wear bowling shoes and shit. They just try too hard to be wacky Yeah, was he like a hipster was like an old say was a girl He was a guy who's trying to fuck my girlfriend. Oh and she wanted to go to this party So look all right Wow, I think she was an actress and I think he was in the movie business Imagine getting cucked by a toaster collector. Yeah, almost did. Well, it was one of them squirrely deals

where she was like, I'm so not interested in him. I just want to go to this party for networking. I was a young lad. I had just moved to Hollywood. I did not know the ways of this goofy fucking town yet. I hadn't exercised myself from Hollywood. I was still doing the thing, acting acting going on auditions and shit so it was like you when you first get here

you're like what is this especially in the 90s it was super squirrely because everybody was trying to get a development deal and everybody was trying to get a sitcom and they kind of like let you think that that was the only way right you have to get a sitcom you want to be like roseanne don't you want to be like tim allen what about seinfeld he way right you have to get a sitcom you want to be like Roseanne Don't you want to be like Tim Allen? What about Seinfeld? He got a sitcom. You should get a sitcom Damn, I want to get a sitcom and so everybody was out here Just trying to do the acting thing I did it for a while and after a while you like these people are not worth it But you did get a sitcom right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I got a couple of them. I was on a couple of them It seems like fun. Um, it's fun stand-ups more fun

Yeah, it's not something I'd be interested in doing but if you could do a sitcom with all stand-ups That would be the shit That would be the shit like if you you could do a sitcom with really good writers who are cool and all the people On the show were stand-ups that would be fucking monstrous. Yeah, it's not usually like that No, and it seems very what do you call it, corporate and you got to do this and this and a lot of rules and stuff. It seems like podcasts are. Well, they're trying to make money, you know, and they can't make money if people do things and get people in trouble. They say things and get people angry or someone calls up human resources.

And Joe List was talking about his dick. Yeah. The craft service lady heard it. and now there's a lawsuit. I think with podcasts now, most of us comedians with podcasts have no chance of getting any corporate job. I don't think that's true. Really? I get offered shit all the time.

I think that we don't need it though. Right. I think it actually will get in the way. Have you ever written on a sitcom? No. Written on anything? No. When you write, there's a trap that comics fall into that are good writers. They get this sitcom writing gig,

and it's a sweet gig. You get paid thousands of dollars a week. Your bills are covered, so you feel good. Right. But you're never going on the road. You're in town all the time. You're just doing sets around town. So you're pretending that you're still a comic. But you're really a sitcom writer who kind of like has a hobby of doing stand-up and you never develop on the road and there's a bunch of guys. Do you know Owen Smith? That's another guy I don't know.

I've met him a couple times. Fucking hilarious. One of the best comics in the world and he's just been spending so many years doing these sitcoms. I saw him one night at the comic store. I'm like, how the fuck is this guy not gigantic? Like, how does he not have a Netflix hour that everyone's talking about? How is it everybody not trying to book him places? It's just because he's been doing this, this sitcom writer thing. He's trying to break out

of that now though. Tommy Jonaghan's another guy. You know, Tommy Jonaghan? I've heard of him. He's one of the best comedians I think there is. He's a writer. But he's been writing on a TV show. But he's happy. He likes it. He's got two kids

and it keeps him off the road. But to me it's a bummer as a comedy fan because I'm like, ah, I want to see that new hour. But he still, I think he still works

a little bit. Yeah, Mitch Hedberg had a really funny bit about that. About how comedy, like when you're a comedian it's the only job or someone asks you

to do another job. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There was somebody, when I first moved to New York, there was a guy that was like, do you do any writing? And I was like, well, I did all that writing. I wrote all that. But that's why I never liked writing other than stand-up,

because stand-up I can write all day and then go do it that night. Whereas when I'm writing like a movie or a TV show, I'm like, ah, I'm wasting my, this isn't going to get made. Which is not, my therapist says that's not the'm wasting my time. This isn't going to get made. Which is not, my therapist says that's not the way, that's not what should inspire you to write. You should be writing because it's a way to express yourself. Your therapist is right. But then again, if you are writing something and nothing happens, it is fucking stupid.

It feels wasteful. It feels annoying, right? When I could be writing jokes that I do on stage. Yeah, you just get into that sort of thing where you're just like, what am I doing here? And then it steals your thunder. Yeah, I feel that way all the time. Unrelated to comedy. Just life.

Yeah, what am I doing here? You write right. You sit down and write. A little bit, yeah. I try to, but a lot of times I'll start writing and then I end up just... Jerking off. Jerking off. Yeah. Although I do that less than I used to.

Well, Louis said that he had one laptop that could not connect to the internet. Yeah. Yeah, he still does that. But if you do that, what if you want to Google something while you're writing? Well, I do that a lot and I'll use it as an excuse. I'll be writing and then I'm like,

let me Google that for research and then before you know it, I'm just going through, and I'll use it as an excuse. I'll be writing, and then I'm like, what's the origin? Let me Google that for research, and then before you know it, I'm just going through Instagram, and I'm jerking off. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you've got to have discipline. That's all. I give myself an hour. I have one hour that I have to write. And then if I enjoy it, I keep going. But for one hour, there is nothing going on but writing.

See, that's ambitious. I have to go literally. I'm not even joking. Like 10 minutes. I'm like, let me do 10 minutes. And usually I'll go a little longer, because I'm like, alright, alright. Now I'll do like 30 minutes, and then I'm like, then you can treat yourself.

I'm a child. I am too. But I found that, I mean, obviously we came in here, we were, me and Jeff were embroiled in a quake death match. Yeah. Yeah, and we wouldn't stop to say hi. I said hi briefly. I appreciate, I felt bad. Same 15 minutes. I felt like I walked into you fucking.

You were a little early. You were sweating and intense. Well, I got here early and I'm always compulsively early everywhere. Good. That's good. I spend a lot of time just doing laps around places because I have so much anxiety. But I parked and I was like, I'll just sit in my car for 10 minutes. And then a big guy came out and was just looking at me

and so then I was like I think this must mean I have to get out of the car. Yeah he's armed. So I got out. Oh is he? Oh great. Of course. Oh I'm terrified. But yeah so I got here early I was on camera but I would have showed up right at No it doesn't matter. We shouldn't have

snuck in that extra game. The problem is you play one game, and then it gets going. Like, we play for a half hour, play to 100 points, 100 deaths, and then it gets intense. And then if one guy beats the other guy, gives him a drubbing, then the other guy wants revenge, and then you have to play that second match. Yeah, it's addictive. Then you start off your day with two ass kickings.

It's like jerking off. 100 deaths. Yeah, you start off your day with two ass kickings. It's like jerking off. 100 deaths. Yeah, you start off your day with two jerk off sessions. You're like, man, I have a lot of catching up to do if I want to make this a productive day. Are you still jerking off a lot? Of course. I feel like I don't jerk off that much anymore. What?

Well, I have a wife and we have sex. Yeah, I do that. But even when she's not away. I got one of those. When she's away. Then you jerk off? I'll jerk off a little bit, but I have less than I used to. Is something wrong with me?

I can still get my vagina hard, but I'm not as interested. Nothing wrong with that, man. But when I'm with her, I'm very interested. Yes, yes. I get it. But in your free time, you've got other shit on your mind. Yes. You're focused.

I am focused on about 5,000 things at once. Yeah, me too. What in the world of being a comedian? Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, Louis' idea is a good idea on paper to not have anything connected to the internet. Well, I think about doing this now. He has two phones, like a flip phone that 12 people have the number. And then he has a smartphone that he'll leave behind so like his kids can call him or his you know mother or

whatever uh i'm one of the 12 but like you someone can get in touch with him and you can call 911 but there's no twitter instagram whatever so that's like a decent idea is two phones because i'm fucked up with but then You know Obviously you're friends with Ari He has the flip phone That's it Louie has the flip phone But what sucks is When you're hanging out

With these people They still need the shit So they end up using your phone Exactly Like I'll go hiking With Ari or whatever On a trip And he's like

Pull up your Google Maps Can I use your phone And they just has my phone How about have some discipline Ari Yeah Get a real phone I don't want anyone To have my phone

It's not like I don't have crazy porn Exactly Don't be real phone. I don't want anyone to have my phone. It's not like I don't have crazy porn or whatever. Don't be touching my phone. I don't like people holding my phone. That's like someone wearing your underwear. Yes. It's worse. Hey, can I borrow your underwear?

What? You can take my underwear. Can't you just go raw dog? Just put pants on? Yeah. Do you have to have underwear? It's weird. You don't need underwear.

You do. I sprinkle a lot of tinkle. Yeah, but if you have a good pair of underwear, it's better. Then, like, if you're wearing jeans and shit and your dick's rubbing against your zipper, that shit's annoying. Yeah, that's no good. Good point. You need underwear.

I take it back. I want to walk back my underwear. Ari just needs some discipline. He just needs some goddamn discipline. He's such a child. He does, but I understand addiction and stuff. It's difficult. Because I have it where I'm like, just don't look.

Yeah. But I'm obsessed with my phone, too. Well, I am, too. But I'm not as bad as I used to be. But Ari, he realizes it. He's like, he's not a loser. He's a winner. Like, he figures shit out.

He's a winner. He's like, all right, I have a fucking problem, and I'm not getting better at this, so I'm just going to get rid of it. I'm just going to get this fucking stupid flip phone that I could barely text on. Like, whenever he texts me, it's like a miracle. I'm like, what are you doing here with this caveman phone? This is a text message from this stupid fucking phone? And then you have to keep it short, because you can't send, like, a long thing, because it comes in, like, three pages and out of order. So it's like, anyways, I'm gay now, and then it's like, hey, out of order so it's like anyways i'm gay now

and then it's like hey i just met it's all fucked up um yeah it sucks but maybe i'm thinking about doing it myself well they're getting crazier now they're having these folding phones that blow out to like 10 inches have you seen these goddamn things no well samsung released it but then they took it back because it started breaking but But it looks like a regular smartphone, but it's fat. And the reason why it's fat is you can open it up and it becomes a giant smartphone. Oh, that seems kind of nice. It's pretty nice if you need an iPad everywhere you go. Right. But do you? No. I use my phone also as like a computer. I barely use my computer. I just write emails and shit on my phone. Yeah, I write very few emails on my phone.

I'm trying to limit my hour on the phone to one hour. One hour for the whole day. One hour of screen time. Yeah, that's impressive. Well, I forced it on my kid. So I'm like, okay, if she gets an hour of screen time, I should get an hour of screen time. Right. But you're also running a business. That's true. You have a team. But I'm like okay if she gets an hour of screen time I should get an hour of screen time right but you're also running a business that's true you have a team but I'm also irresponsible right oh yeah I have other people to pick up the slack it's a full-on addiction though it's

fucked up like I will I'll go on a plane I'll fly across the country I'm on airplane mode if you can't even use it and I'll find myself just looking at photos just because I want the dopamine or the fuck it is of just holding and moving my phone. Yeah. It's really a problem. It is a problem. And I'm actually, I've been doing a bit about it, about the real problem is what's next. The real problem is where does it go from here?

Because it's got you hooked just looking at photos and text. Well, I mean, I walked in, you couldn't say hello and you were crying playing a game called Quake. So that might be the next step. There's something about staring at that screen when you get really intense, your eyes start watering. I swear to God, I wasn't emotional. No, I thought your parents passed away as I pulled in. Yeah, I leave here, I feel like a freak.

First of all, sometimes when we leave, we'll have these battles that'll go like two hours. And then when I leave, my fucking heart's pounding, my adrenaline's rushing. I'm like, see you later, man. Bye. And we leave and we're like, what the fuck? And I'm driving home. It's like literally like I just had a fight.

Like you don't want to have a fight with somebody. Wow. I don't have that. Yeah, it's a very, very bad addiction. But it's really fun too. So part of me is like, I'm enjoying the shit out of this. It's really fun to play. I think that's the kids just enjoy it. You gotta enjoy whatever decision You're making this is again my therapist. That's what your therapist tells me. Yeah, well I'm dealing I have like a horrible diet my whole life for like- What do you eat?

Well now I've changed. I'm going through a bit of a medical situation right now I have AIDS. I came here to say. What kind of AIDS? The good kind? Yeah, the good kind. Like the Magic Johnson? Yeah, yeah.

Kind of the fun. The fun. You lose a little weight, whatever. But it makes you whimsical? Yeah, I feel good. I can play basketball now. Like the Flintstones. Like gay old time.

Do they have AIDS? Yeah. They all do. That's why they're not here anymore. What was I going to say? I got caught up on the Flintstone age. You have a medical issue? Oh, so I have this thing called silent reflux.

Have you ever heard of this? No. It's acid reflux, but they call it silent because there's no heartburn. It's different than GERD. It just goes straight up into your vocal cords and into your throat. So it's like fucking up my shit. Oh, no. And I wake up like a cough and it's like into my they're calling it respiratory reflex now where like it's almost like asthma sinus shit and it's diet related yeah well i ate exclusively i

drink coke a lot like three or four cokes a day exclusively like a large pizza extra marinara chicken parm extra marinara chipotle extra hot sauce chocolate chip cookies you eat garbage i ate like a garbage child i'm a garbage child a grown-up baby yeah so i just ate exclusively that i was in therapy but i knew i was like i'm getting i'm fucking myself up i'm gonna die i'm gonna get cancer and die and my therapist was like just at least accept your decision. Enjoy eating shit. He's like, you're eating shit and not even enjoying it.

So what's the point? And he's like, accepting it would actually probably help you to eat healthier. And I was like, good point. I'll just start enjoying it. And that lasted 10 days. And that's when the reflux started and I had to completely change my diet. So I should have had that conversation 25 years earlier. So now I just ate like shit without enjoying it.

And now I'm refluxing and I can't eat any of that. I had to cut out everything. So what did they tell you to eat now? Do you have to cut out dairy? What do you, what do you cut now? Well, I'm going back to the doctor on Thursday. Then I'm seeing a specialist who like coined the phrase. It's like a thousand bucks for a consultation. But at this point I'm like,

Christ, I'm losing my mind. How crazy is that? The doctor could charge a thousand dollars. Just talk to you. Well, the other, the first doctor I went to was an ENT and they do a thing,

which I think is fucked up. They're like, I'm like, I'm paying cat. I don't have insurance. I'm paying out of pocket. And they're like, Oh,

it's a 20% discount. If you're paying out of pocket, like, like I'm at a record store. Like they're like, we give you a discount if you pay up front. And I're like, oh, it's a 20% discount if you're paying out of pocket. Like I'm at a record store. They're like, we give you a discount if you pay up front. And I'm like, all right, that seems bizarre. It's like my well-being. That seems like something someone who deals with drug dealers, guys coming with bullet wounds.

You got cash? All right, 20% off. It's a little strange. Stitch up. Well, I rolled up my money and put a rubber band around it and handed it to him. We always like to think that doctors are, there's something special about them. You know, they're beyond reproach. They're above and beyond. But I was reading this book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie. It's by this guy, Joel Wallach. And it's all about mineral deficiencies and how many people have mineral deficiencies and how little doctors actually know about nutrition

and how so many doctors are not only unhealthy, but have at least back when he wrote this book, have easy access to prescription medicine and they're just overdosing. Right. And they're just fucking cooking themselves with Coke. Right. Yeah. I'm trying to do like an organic-y thing. So I started eating all these salads and oatmeal and salmon. Is that helping? No.

Well, I feel better. I've lost weight. I'm thin. I'm taking huge like green baby leg shits. Like insane. Like the S with the. It feels good, right? Yeah, yeah.

All that roughage. Amazing. Comes flying out. And I feel light and I'm a little more defined. That's good. But my throat is still all fucked up. But I've heard it takes months and I'm like,

maybe my body's repairing and it just doesn't. It takes time to whatever. So what specifically did they tell you to get off of? Well, when I first went there, it was like the end of the day. I started having a fucking panic attack

because there's white shit coming down my throat. Not the first time that's happened, folks. Wah, wah. Come. I get it. All right. So I ran in there, and I was like, I got to see a doctor today.

I'm losing my mind. And they were like, we can squeeze in an appointment. And I think when you show up right before they close with no health insurance, the guy kind of looked and went, oh oh yeah, that's silent reflux. And then they print out a piece of paper from like WebMD, which is amazing to me. They just print shit out that I could have Googled. And he's like, try to cut out the spicy foods, take Prilosec and whatever. So he made it seem like it was no big deal.

Spicy foods. Yeah. That's interesting that they would tell you to cut that out. Like what is, did they say what is actually causing? Like, what is the mechanism? Like, what's forcing this reaction? Well, I think what happens is it has something to do with your esophageal sphincter. Whoa.

Which is. I didn't know I had one. Yeah, you do. I guess it's that, like, I've read so much of this shit. Is that your G-spot when you're sucking dicks? Yeah, yeah, it gets down in there. I feel like that would be deep in there. Esophageal sphincter?

So it opens up, and there's supposed to be some acid that comes up, but I got too much acid, I guess. It fluxes, and then it refluxes. But I think what happens is it gets so fucked up from diet that it becomes, um, compromised. So it doesn't matter what I eat. It's just open like a,

like a fucking, like a loose asshole. Yeah. So, and that's from just all the acid hitting it over and over and over again. Yeah. So I got into this, there's a woman named,

uh, Dr. Kaufman. I forget her first name, but she actually is in New York. That's who I'm going to see for a thousand bucks. But she like coined the phrase and wrote all these books and stuff and says you can fix it through diet.

But I've been taking like a ton of Prilosec and shit. And evidently, I guess a little, I don't know what's helping, like how much worse it would be if I wasn't taking that. But then when you get off of that, there's a thing called rebound reflux where it just comes back fucking gangbusters. Oh, no. So I'm all. Like people that take Xanax. Yeah, I used to take Xanax years ago.

I've never taken it, but they say that when you get off of it, then you get super anxious. Hmm, I don't remember that. I only took it if I was like having a panic attack or whatever, but I took Paxil for a long time. And then I couldn't come on that. Whoa. I heard about that. Yeah, yeah.

It's unpleasant. You and Mike Tyson at the same time. Oh, can he not come? Couldn't when he was on the Paxil. We're very similar guys. Real similar. We have a lot in common. Similar in your backgrounds.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I used to. Play with pigeons. I shouldn't say play with. Is he listening? He's a good guy. This is what's terrifying about this show. He's a good guy.

He's super friendly. He's like a giant bear that's like your friend. Yeah, I'd like to. He's like a really sweet guy, but you are very aware when you're around him that he is not you. Like this is an elite super athlete from from the hall of fame you know i mean he's mike motherfucking tyson and even though he doesn't even hardly work out anymore like even when you shake his hand it's like holding on to a brick it's like his whole body is like he's like five feet wide yeah i imagine if you work i don't know you probably know more about this than i do

if you work out enough for long enough and then then you stop, I imagine you're going to have a base. You definitely have a base. When I was younger, I was a distance runner, and I stopped running distance. But I feel like now I could go run five miles because I used to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I feel similarly like Mike Tyson could beat me up, probably. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he'd kill you.

You don't know me that well. It's true. I don't know. You might have some skills. My friend C.T. Fletcher, he actually had a heart surgery, heart transplant one year ago. And he hasn't been able to do much of anything other than like very light exercise. Like he's just trying to like build his body back up. But he used to be a world champion power lifter and even though he hasn't worked out like really

worked out in probably like a year and a half he still has giant arms he's still huge yeah i you keep a lot of it he could probably beat me up also you think uh he can't move that much okay because of the heart okay you know he's on a bunch of pills and stuff, but if he got a hold of you, you'd be fucked. His arms are like double mine. Two of my arms on top of it. He was an enormous man at one time. He's basically my height, maybe an inch. He's probably like 5'9", maybe an inch

taller than me. And he weighed 320 at one point. 320 pounds. There's a picture of him. It's so ridiculous. You can't believe that a human could stack that much meat onto your skeleton. Yeah. I wonder that. If I just started really.

Lifting. Lifting. Because I'm like, I can't eat healthy foods. I mean, I can't eat shitty foods anymore. And I don't drink and I don't do drugs. I'm like, maybe I could get into exercise. Like how big could I get? Can I get fucking.

You can get big. Yeah. I mean, you definitely get bigger. It's, it's, you're an ectomorph, which means you're tall and lean. And tall, this is one of the reasons why, even though you were on that terrible diet, you're not built like Ralphie May. Right. Or something like that.

You know what I mean? Like some people just have bodies that just, they can absorb a lot of sugar and a lot of bullshit. And your body obviously can do that. Yeah. That's C.T. Fletcher when he was 320 pounds. The fucking size of his arms. That's so ridiculous.

Yeah, that's goofy. He's so huge. What the fuck? Those are ridiculous. Do you remember the fighter Vinny Pazienza? Sure. He's from Rhode Island, and I was working the Providence Comedy Connection years ago,

and he was at the show. We kind of met, and then he was drinking a little bit and then after the show we were all at the bar and I think he was like kind of fucking around he's like ah the comedian I'm gonna come over there and kick that comedian's ass he was kind of like I think he was fucking with me or whatever but I was like terrified I'm a

terrified human anyways and he's like ah I'm gonna come over there and beat his ass and then his girl that he was with was kind of like Vinny no and she was like kind of want to come over there and beat his ass. And then his girl that he was with was kind of like, Vinny, no. And she was like, kind of looked nervous where I was like, wait, is this something, is this like a real thing? And like everyone there was like, ah, no, he's fucking with you.

And then I was like telling the story later to like my uncle. And he's like, ah, he's drunk. You fucking, you'll be fine. What? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, ah, he's older, he's drunk. Oh my God.

And I'm like, at what point of me hitting Vinny Pazienza do you think he'd be like, all right, all right, I'm sorry. There's no amount of like, ah, he's a little older, he's had a couple cocktails. Uncles are terrible for advice. You're not their kid to like, ah, you figure it out. They give you like really abbreviated shitty advice. Yeah, it's like a nice idea that I'd be like, you'll be able to handle it. I'm like, no, no, I think he would win. He's the fucking champion of the world at beating people up.

Yeah. He's a bad motherfucker. Yeah. It'd be a real problem for you. Yeah. No matter how drunk he was. Yeah. I wouldn't have fared well.

Uncles. They're terrible with advice. Uncles are always buying you beer when you're too young. Yeah. They're always showing you things you shouldn't always buying you beer when you're too young. Yeah. They're always showing you things you shouldn't see. Yeah. It's fun to be one. Yeah.

I'm an uncle. Yeah, me too. Do you plan on shooting loads into the missus and having a real person? No, I mean, I plan on shooting loads into her, but I don't think so. My wife's a comedian as well. Oh. She doesn't want to have a kid. No, we're a little old.

I mean, she's older. I'm 37. she's 41 and uh someone's career has to be sacrificed quite a bit i think to have a kid that's one way to look at it yeah and like as of right now which it could change uh anytime i'm making more money on the road like that's the majority of our money so it'd have to be like i gotta keep going on the road right so? so and then we're in New York and You know, it's hard to have a child. Yeah, they're very expensive as you know They're very expensive and New York is a weird place to raise a child. It's just weird I have friends who raise their kids in New York and like we love it the kids love it

We let them go wander around the streets Do they have they go like private school and shit? No. They go to public. The idea of like your nine-year-old on the subway is terrifying. Again, like with anxiety. Right. Yeah. Every moment I'd be like, my kid is getting abducted right now.

But you never know. Like you could get a subway where everybody's cool. Or you could get a subway where there's a crazy person and you're trapped in a tube with a crazy person. Yeah. It's one of the more interesting things about rolling the dice of the New York city subway is that you're, you're just entering into a closed environment where you cannot escape for a prolonged period of time with people that you don't know.

And most people are cool. Yeah. Most people just want to get to their job or their house or wherever they're going. But every now and then, like I met a dude, do you remember there was a knife attack on Subway where a guy had killed a couple of people

and cut one guy up, and the guy disarmed him from some moves that he learned in the Ultimate Fighting Championship, watching it on TV? No. Yeah, I met him. He had these giant cuts on his head. It was really intense, man.

Yeah, I would not do well. I would just be like yeah just cut me up i hate myself well i guess when you're when you're in that sort of life or death situation it's just uh becomes your survival mode kicks in like you don't even you don't even know what you're doing right like i've talked to um people that have been attacked by animals, and they say that it's just you don't, you can't even imagine how reptilian your reaction is. Right. There's no rational thinking at all. It's like 100% just DNA firing the switches for you.

Wow. Yeah. I was on the subway a couple years ago, and it was was empty I was on the back of the train and there was like it was just me sitting there and then there was like a guy sleeping on the other end like he was passed out or whatever and then there's like six hooligan like young teenager like they were acting all crazy and they got on the train on that end of the train they were like spitting on the guy and they were like, wake up! They were screaming. The guy was obviously drunk or whatever.

They were hawking loogies on him and stuff. Jumping up and down. I was just looking at my phone. It was a bad situation. Unpleasant. Then they kind of turned and focused towards me. They were like, hey, you fucking faggot. Look up.

Look up from your phone. I just didn't. I kept ignoring them. And then one guy was like, I'm going to kill you if you don't look over here. And then the other guy was like, I'll kill you if you keep looking at your phone. And I was like shitting my pants. And this is between Queensborough Plaza and Lexington Avenue, which is a pretty long underground station. It was like doing the thing where it was like delayed. So it was probably like, realistically, it was like four or five minutes.

But I was like shitting my pants. And there's six of them. They were probably like realistically it was like four or five minutes but i was like shitting my pants and there's six of them they were probably like early 20s late teens i have no fighting training or no weapon where i was like this is a bad situation like six people you're like i'm i'm not gonna i have no six people's a problem six people it's a problem i appreciate you saying it because a lot of people are like i would have busted up the biggest guy whatever the fuck and you're like dude tangle of arms and legs six people's a problem. I appreciate you saying it because a lot of people are like, I would have busted up the biggest guy or whatever the fuck. And you're like, dude. Just a tangle of arms and legs.

Six people is a real problem. The only thing that would save you though is that you're in a subway. And by that is, they're not going to surround you. Right? If you just put your back to the wall, six people,

as they come towards you, they have to kind of come towards you almost single file. I suppose so, yeah. There's not a lot of room. You can get like two at a time. But you could crack one. And if you crack one, most of them will start panicking.

Most people don't know how to fight. If you smash one guy's face in and he goes unconscious and then the other guys are there and you start moving in on them. They have this anxiety attack. They start freaking, unless they know how to fight. And I doubt they do, because people who know how to fight, they don't do things like that. Right. Very, very rarely do you run into thugs that actually know how to fight. But that's the problem is most people don't know how to fight.

I'm one of those most of the people. So the smashing and the fade, I I mean I know how to throw a punch but I'm saying even for anybody even for a trained fighter if you're in a subway with six guys it's not good even if you really know how to fight if you're like a world champion you gotta go god damn it because you could always break your hand with the first punch

that shit happens all the time yeah it was unpleasant I would say but that can happen after that I was like maybe I shouldn't get on the last train at least give yourself a chance to go one It was early. I was on my way to this show in the city. It was like 8 o'clock 730, but Christ I mean, I don't think they were leaving dry. I think they were just assholes. Yeah, just being wild or whatever Wildin I think is the term were the Italian they were not they were of Latino descent Racist I think is the term. Were they Italian? They were not. They were of Latino descent. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Racist. I am describing with, I think, a very PC. No, the way you said it, it was clear you're demeaning. I think Latino is good. Or is it Hispanic? I think Hispanic is bad because it's in reference directly to Spanish. So Latino is better.

But that could be in reference to Latin America. I don't know. That's all. They can suck my dick. I'm tired of it. I really am. Yeah. Fuck you, Latinos. Stop. I'm just trying to figure out what your name is. Alright? Joe. Yeah. But I mean in that situation I mean

you can't just decide that something that people used forever is all of a sudden racist. Like here of a sudden racist. Like, here's a weird one, and I don't know why this is. You can't say Chinaman, but you can say Englishman. Hmm. I think a lot of it has to do with because the Chinese were enslaved.

Is that right? They built the railroads? Yeah. Sure. Is that something? That probably has something to do with it. But you can say Irishman, and the Irish were enslaved. Ah, there you go. So that defeatsroads? Yeah. Sure. Is that something? That probably has something to do with it. But you can say Irishmen and the Irish were enslaved. Ah, there you go.

So that defeats that. Yeah. By the way, I'm just guessing. This is not my- The Irish were not enslaved here. I mean, there were some Irish people that came over that did indentured servitude. I'm sure, actually, now that I am reading, I did read something about Irish slaves. But in comparison to African slaves, it's not even close.

Yeah. I don't know much about that Irish thing, but I know that black people, African American people get upset when you say, but the Irish were enslaved. All I know is they don't like that. Yeah. They're not into that argument. Yeah. It's a terrible argument. It doesn't seem like a great one.

There's not a lot of pictures of the Irish slaves that built America. Yeah, I think a lot also came voluntarily or something. I don't know. Oh, yeah, my grandparents. My grandfather on my father's side came from Ireland. I think my great grandparents. Yeah, imagine being one of those people from the 1920s. It's like, fuck it.

I'm taking a chance. I'm going to get on a fucking boat and travel across the ocean. Only like 50 years after pictures were made. Yeah, it's insane. I think about that all the time. When I watch Godfather Part 2, the whole time I'm like, yeah go get him little buddy. He's like the most powerful guy in the state, city, whatever. It's just, there's no place

like that now where people just can go. Well, that's here still, isn't it? Well, it's not though. It's fucking hard. Like, it's hard if you're Canadian. If you're Canadian, it's hard to get over here and we're connected. Like, they make it real hard for Canadians to move here. Yeah, oh, for sure. Like, they make it real hard for Canadians to move here.

Yeah, oh, for sure. Well, I know a lot of Canadian comedians, and they have to, like, prove. The whole idea is hilarious of a comedian trying to prove they're necessary in America. It's just a comical idea. It is funny. They're like, can you guys write me letters that says we need more jokes in New York? I think we need more comedians always. I think there's a finite resource of comedians

Well we need more quality comedians But the thing is You never know I knew guys that sucked man for years And I used to have this thought Either you're funny or you're not funny If you're funny you can get funnier But I knew guys that used to eat shit

And now they're murderers It keeps coming back to Ari Oh no no no I'm, no, no, Ari. I'm kidding. I'm zinging. Ari was always funny. He always had something. Like, he was never as funny as he is now, but he always had something.

He was always like, this guy's going to make it. Yeah, it is interesting when people kind of figure it out. But I think a lot of those people, they're trying to be what they think is supposed to be funny, and eventually they figure out to just be themselves. And that's how it kind of... I think you lot of those people, they're trying to be what they think is supposed to be funny. And eventually they figure out to just be themselves. And that's how it kind of. I think you're right. Like they're trying to do Seinfeld or something.

And then after a while, somebody along the way goes, hey, just tell the thing you said in the car. Right, right, right, right. I got friends like that that never made that flip. Like friends from Boston, comics, that have like the biggest disparity in funny offstage to funny onstage of anybody where it's it's puzzling where i'm like you are the funniest person i've ever met and you've been eating shit for 20 years and it's like why how does that not that used to be joey diaz interesting joey Diaz is the funniest guy I've ever seen. I've never seen anybody funnier. And Joey Diaz, when he first started out, I didn't meet him when he first started out.

I met him, jeez, I probably met him four years into his career. I met him in 95, I think, or 96, somewhere around then. And he just couldn't figure it out on stage. And then around 98, I used to take him with me on the road. Around 98, he just caught this wave. And I'm saying within like six months, he went from having rough sets to fucking annihilating. Wow. He also gained during that time at least 80 pounds.

Maybe that's funnier. He just didn't give a fuck anymore. Like something clicked where he didn't give a fuck anymore. Right. He started eating whatever he wanted to eat. He was partying like a madman and he would go on stage just, just didn't give a fuck. And he was so funny. It's like he figured out the formula. He was trying to do the actor thing he got sucked into that thing that we were talking about where you want to get on sitcoms you want to get auditions you're going out for movies and then after a while he just got fucked over too many times and dealt with too many people and he realized that he was like kind of tailoring his act for those assholes yeah i love uh those moments in any artist with music or whatever it is.

All I know is music and comedy, really. But when they fucking finally get into that, in the rhythm of figuring out who they are and what they are, and then you're like, oh, wow, this is special to watch. Yeah, it's cool to watch, too, for a person who's trying to do it themselves

because you see all the elements and the qualities that they've sort of embraced that have helped them, like the authenticity and their real thoughts and you know and what they their honest self-deprecation and all the things that you see that just sort of fall into place then you can kind of examine your own self right yeah maybe i can maybe i can do that but that's the thing about comedy i think's like we don't exist in a vacuum. We all influence each other.

Right. You know, sometimes too much. Like people do the Atel voice. Yes. You know, there are so many guys that do that voice. Yes. And it's ruthless when you see people doing it. And you're like, God, you got to pull them aside and go, hey, man, I'm an Atel fan too,

which got to back off the Atel voice. Yeah, that happens. It goes in waves too remember when i was like in the early 2000s it was a lot of dane people were doing a lot of dane i used to say adi was my term of another dane impression there'd be all these guys that walk out and they're doing they're holding the mic in an impractical way it works for him but they're kind of like and doing these weird movements and you're like I think that's kind of his thing. Cute young guys.

And then trying to put on baseball hats everywhere they go. Yeah. Yeah. And they come up with their own way to do a handstand on the stool. Dane got mad at a guy once cause he was wearing a Boston hat. Oh, interesting. He's like, that's my thing. Oh, wow.

I wear a Boston hat. I'm wearing a Bruins shirt. I hope that's okay. I don't know, man. You gotta check in. I'll send him an email. Are you from Boston? I'm from Whitman, shirt. I hope that's okay. Oh, man. You got to check in. I'll send him an email. Are you from Boston? I'm from Whitman, Massachusetts.

I started there. I was there for years. Yeah. I'm from Newton. Oh, wow. Yeah. A lot of comics from Newton. Really?

Well, not a lot. John Fish. I don't know if you know John. No. He's a New York guy. And then Louie. So that's three. But three is a lot to come from a relatively small town.

Newton's a weird spot. It's like, it's idyllic. If you go there right now, it's like, ah, this is beautiful. Little cute, little sweet little town. Yeah. When I was growing up there, it just seemed like a frozen shithole. It was, I think, I could be wrong on this. I think Newton was once labeled the safest town in America.

They had gone the longest distance without a murder. Or like, I think they were basing it off murder or some crime and then shortly after that somebody was killed it was like they jinxed it yeah they probably wanted to set the record yeah and then someone would be the person to break it yeah someone's like fuck that and then they murdered but it's a good place yeah it's nice uh boston's a great place to grow up but i think it wears on you all my friends who live there when i still i still have a few buddies that live there, and I talk to them like, man, I don't know how many more winners I can fucking take.

Yeah, I got a buddy that just moved to Key West July 1st, and he's like, I'm tired of shoveling. It's a hard city. People are fucking angry in the traffic, and there's like inferiority complexes. It's a great place to, I think, influence you, and then you got to get the hell out of there. It's a horrible place to date. I never, I mean, I did date there, but not. That accent, you find a woman with that accent, it's just, it's a boner killer.

It's not a pleasant accent on a woman. Yeah, it's not good. On a dude, it's fun. I hear a dude with that accent, I said, ah, that'd be a good guy to drink with. Yes. Listen to him. I agree, there's most definitely a double standard with that. What accent are you turned on by?

Southern. Yeah, I suppose so. Texas. Yeah. Woo, that's the best. Yeah. Australian. I like Australian.

I like an Irish. I like English. I like Irish. Australian women. I've only had sex with two Australian women in my life, but both. Stop bragging, bro. But both, this is what's going to get worse. Both women individually requested that I cum on their face.

Wow. So I don't know if that's an Australian thing. Must be. You'd have to call in if you're an Australian woman. Must have something to do with the lack of sunscreen out there. You know, they have a whole ozone layer. That's true. She's looking for a coating.

But 100% of Australian women, as far as I've tested, enjoy. Like a load in the mug. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. A load in the mug. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Do you think if you were a girl, you'd like a guy to come in your face? I've talked about this before. I think if I was a girl, I would be a fucking wild animal. Yeah, I would be coming in my eyes.

Because I'm a man, and I want to come in my face, you know? Yeah, so imagine. Yeah, I think so. I think I'd be just a... Just running around. Yeah, sucking... Tramping it up. All the dicks.

Giving everybody something. Yeah. Some kind of disease. And I got stuff to give them, too. Do you got a bunch of them? Well, I had HPV that goes away. I got married. How does it go away?

HPV goes away. No, you still have it. It does. You shoot a dirty load into someone, you can give it to them still. Well, I think, I believe, I could be, I could have got bad info from my ENT. Pretty sure you did. I had. Pretty sure you keep that shit for life.

Can we look this up over here? I think HPV does go away if you stop having sexual intercourse with different people. Oh, but I think it goes away for you, but I think it's still in your blood, and I think you can still give it to people. Oh, interesting. So, don't be lying to people when you're shooting them. Well, I only have sex with one person. Jamie just put his finger up. I knew it. Just from the quick response.

In most cases, HPV goes away on its own. It does not cause any health problems, but when HPV does not go away, it causes health problems like general warts and cancer. A healthcare provider can usually diagnose warts by looking at the genital area. What? What kind of fucking...

A healthcare provider can usually diagnose warts by looking at them. Yeah, you can also do that. Comedians can also diagnose warts. You can see warts. You go, oh, that's a dick wart. Interesting. Yeah, I had that. I went to Planned Parenthood, who do more than abortions.

They'll take your warts right off. They put a little thing on there and boom. Here it says there are currently no cure for existing HPV infection, but for most people it would be cleared by their own immune system and there are treatments available for the symptoms it can cause. You can get the HPV vaccine. Oh, they have a vaccine now. That's only for young people, though.

We're too old. It causes problems, apparently. Causes problems? Yeah, yeah. What does it do? I don't know exactly. What did it do to you? Don't lie. I did not get it. You got it, bro. They just started giving it, yeah. What does it do? I don't know exactly. What did it do to you?

Don't lie. I did not get it. You got it, bro. They just started giving it out recently, I think, in the last, like, maybe less than 10 years. But you gotta be, yeah, you gotta get it, like, before you're 18. What if it makes you really horny? That'd be ideal, right?

I don't know. If it cures it. I guess, if it cures it. But I had that, but, so, it does go away. Did you ever hear about, there's a story about a drug called Re-Equip. It was a medication for Parkinson's disease. And GlaxoSmithKline lost a judgment in court. I think it was in the tune of $600,000 American because it turned a guy into a gay sex and gambling addict.

All he wanted to do was hook up with guys online and gamble. But listen, I know it sounds crazy, but they lost the lawsuit. Like a pharmaceutical drug company lost a lawsuit and the jury awarded this guy more than a half a million dollars. How did he prove that all he wants to do is fuck guys? That's a good question. But they did. They proved it to the point where this guy won money because he never had any problems like this before, took this Parkinson's medication, and it just short-circuited his brain. He started sucking dick and rolling the dice.

I'm going to sue Starbucks. I've been drinking their tea, and now I want to get came on. Come on. Came on. They can't prove I don't want to be come done. Something about their tea. It's not organic. There's a fucking round up in their tea. Yeah, something's up, but I want some loads. Well, they're

starting to pass out lawsuits against glyphosate. Speaking of that, round up that fucking, that shit $2 billion and another guy got $5 million. Well, he needs a better lawyer. Because his lawyer got him $5 million. The other people's lawyers got him billions.

What's the drug? Oh, it's not a drug. It's Roundup. It's that weed killer shit. Monsanto weed killer. Oh, I see. Yeah. It gives people cancer.

And they're finally passing down these massive judgments against Monsanto. Wow. Yeah, the weight of it all. See, Monsanto jury hits Monsanto with $2 billion judgment. But there was that one, and then there was another one for five plus million. That guy's got to be pissed right now. How the fuck did I only get five million? Now, two billion, is that exact?

Or are they rounding up? Ah! Hot dog! Count it. You should open with that tonight at the Improv. I will. On Hollywood. Hey folks, you hear about this thing called Roundup? Most people don't even know what it is.

It's like serious GMO haters. They're people that are like super organic and they don't want any pesticides in their food. That's one thing that people need to understand. If you're buying vegetables and you eat a lot of vegetables, it's very good for you. But, man, there is a lot of fucking pesticides out there. This is what's bumming me out the more i do because i just always just ate garbage or whatever without thinking about it now the more research i do the more i'll read about because i like to read health benefits of the food i'm eating while i'm

eating it because it makes it feel like oh all right i'm doing something good but then everyone the bottom of the page like you have to eat too much broccoli you'll shit your blood or whatever there's always something or there's pesticides or whatever yeah you the really have you heard of a carnivore diet you heard of that um sort of i assume it's just meat it's just meat just steak and there's a lot of people that do it and people with autoimmune issues have huge reactions positive reactions. Really? Yeah. My friend, he was having receding gum disorder, went away.

And they say that that shit never goes away. He lost 50 pounds. Jordan Peterson. Oh, yeah. He's on that carnivore diet. He's been on it over a year. Just got his blood work tested. A lot of people are like, you shouldn't even recommend that.

It's so irresponsible. And there's arguments both ways man there's arguments that eating only vegetables is irresponsible because large-scale agriculture is like terrible for the environment it displaces all this wildlife and animals and right they in most cases they're using something to kill the weeds in most cases they're using glyphosate or something like that yeah Yeah, I mean, fruit to me is always like, that's healthy, and then people are like, oh, it's sugar, and you're... This fiber, fruit's fine. There's nothing wrong with fruit. It's like everything else.

If you eat too much fruit, if you eat like 10 oranges, your body's like, what the fuck, bro? But if you drink orange juice, that's not good, because your body's like, where is all the fiber? What is this? What are you doing to me? Why are you making me drink this sugar water? Yeah.

If you drink like a 12 ounce glass of orange juice, let's guess. How many grams of sugar do you think is in a 12 ounce glass of orange juice? I don't know. I'm not good with this. I would say, can you give me some scale? Like, how much sugar is in a Coca-Cola? I wish I knew. Fuck.

I'm going to say. No, no, no. Okay's here's a good scale like um like i saw one of those um gatorades but not a gatorade uh it was a smart drink that had some fucking flavor to it or something like that you know one of those but it was 27 grams of sugar okay that was like jesus that's a lot of fucking sugar so i would say orange juice is more than that. Yeah, I would say it's got 35. I'd say 35. Okay.

I'll say 48. Damn, he's going crazy. What do you say, Jamie? For some reason, this thing won't do the math right, but in one ounce, there's 2.6. So times 12, it's roughly 30, because it's 24 times the 1 plus the 6, so something like that. Something like 30. Yeah, so around there Yeah, it's not 48 though. Fuck me. Yeah, you're only supposed to like for a healthy diet I think they you're supposed to be limited to a hundred grams of sugar a day and that's for an active person

Like you really shouldn't fuck around with more than that, right? Yeah, I feel like I'm finally reaching the age where food becomes a situation you got to start to yeah it's part of the problem man yeah as you get older body starts to fucking fall apart on you bro yeah my buddy uh john fish i mentioned earlier he has a story about he went to his doctor and his doctor was like in your 30s your body starts to break down and in your 40s your body starts to die and he was waiting for him to like smile or laugh but he was like just being serious doctor's an asshole yes wife right now is fucking her personal trainer and that guy's super angry about it that's probably what's going on there yeah i think he's a bad guy he's a terrible guy telling you that your body's

dying listen i'm alive bitch i'll fuck you up right now. I'll kill you. Yeah, good point. Tell me I'm alive and I'm dying. Good point. Fuck that guy. Shut up. Shut up, doctor. Dr. Dickwad.

What kind of doctor is that? I don't know, but there must be some truth to that, though. It specializes in negativity. Yeah. No, you're alive. Does it work as good as it does when you're 20? No. Does your fucking car work as good when it has 100,000 miles on it?

No. But I think what he's saying is that we're on the back end. What he should have said is, duh. Everybody knows that. Right. If you live to be 100 at 40, you're fucking halfway there, basically. Yeah, good point. And living to 100 is pretty awesome.

Yeah, if you live to 100, man, you really did something. Yeah. And most people are not going to make that. I'm going to start trying. To make it 100? Yeah, if you live to 100, man, you really did something. Yeah. And most people are not going to make that. I'm going to start trying. To make it 100? I wish that there was a thing that showed you when you're dying what tipped it over. Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

Well, they're like, you had one too many cokes in 2007. In 2007. Yeah, yeah. They looked at it all the time. You jerked off. Imagine if like here's an accounting of every time you jerked, you'd be like, no. I think about this all the time. I wish we could do that because everything has all these stats now times you jerked off. Imagine if like here's an accounting of every time you jerked, you'd be like, no. I think about this all the time. I wish we could do that because everything has all these stats now, you know, like baseball, whatever.

I wish you could have all the shits you've taken, how many times you've wiped your ass, how many times you've jerked off, how many times you've had sex. Wouldn't it be fun to have all of those numbers? It would. Why can't your phone do that? It should be able to. Your phone tells you how many steps you go. Yeah, exactly. I use my phone do that? It should be able to. Your phone tells you how many steps you go. Yeah, exactly.

I use my phone to track how far I run. Exactly. So we should start doing, I guess we could type it into our phone. Yeah, you could. You could add it up. You could have like an app. Every time you jerk off, you have to double tap it. I feel like that would be a fun thing. I think we just invented something. Yeah, it could be a good app. Like how many do you jerk off in a year? Jamie, how many times do you think you jerk off? I don't know. I was just going to say the Apple Watch might know, because last time I got an elliptical, it knew I was on the elliptical within

two minutes. It's like, oh, do you want to track this elliptical workout? It's like, how the fuck do you know that motion of the arm moving? Is that what it is? It's got to be, because there's the... Well, that's, you know, that's interesting, that MyZone's heart rate monitor thing that we were wearing for Sober October, that thing syncs up with my elliptical machine, and it shows the heart rate without me even holding

on to the heart rate sensors. That's just like Bluetooth, though. That's pretty easy. But it did it without me asking it. Yeah. It just did it. It's close proximity. I know, but it's pretty crazy that it did that.

I wonder what else it's connected to. Dun, dun, dun. The fucking government, man. Dun, dun, dun. Are you worried about your phone being tracked? No I have I for some reason I've never cared that much I know I should And people talk about it like the government

Watching us and tracking all the information I don't I'm too busy worried about you know Dying and if people like me or not I just assume they are Yeah I don't it doesn't dying and if people like me or not. I just assume they are. Yeah, I don't. It doesn't. I hate to sound like some fucking asshole that's like, oh, I'm not doing anything wrong,

so spy. But I just don't. It doesn't connect with me to be concerned about that. Yeah, I don't think you sound like an asshole. All right. Well, some people are like, well, I'm not doing anything wrong. We want to get the terrorists and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, those people are assholes, though. The people that say that, what do you care if I'm not doing anything wrong. We want to get the terrorists and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, those people are assholes, though.

The people that say that, what do you care if you're not doing anything wrong? That's how tyranny starts, you weak bitch. Right. Me? Am I a weak bitch? No, no, no, that guy. I appreciate that. This fake guy we're talking about. He needs to go get some fucking guns.

Stand up for America. Venezuela, see what's going on in Venezuela, bro? They don't have any guns. It's true, actually. Yeah. I mean, they're running over people in the street because people can't... It's hard to get guns in Venezuela.

That's another thing. Sometimes things just don't... Like, I'll see that story and be like, huh, all right. And then I just move on. You can't register everything. There's no way. You'll never get any thought done.

What's up, Jamie? What do you got? About the story of this guy in Holmby Hills, which is like the Beverly Hills area. Oh, yeah. I heard about that. He had more than a thousand guns. Yeah. He was making some of them.

He was making them. Not all of them. But did he do anything? Or did he just like guns? I don't know. Because if they decided to arrest me, if they decided to arrest me If they decided to arrest me And they said Joe Rogan has five bows And 150 arrows

Like who the fuck is he planning on killing Right they could do that But those are more Those are less alarming numbers to me though Bows 150 arrows A thousand seems like a lot But I think it's one of those things you You just get excited and you keep buying them.

Acting on a tip regarding illegal firearm sales. Okay, so he's selling guns. Guns were strewn throughout several of the home's rooms. Authorities said it took about 30 law enforcement personnel more than 12 hours to remove all the weapons. Goals. Gun goals. Photos and videos from the scene showed stacks of rifles. I have a buddy of mine who has so many guns, he doesn't know how many guns he has.

That's impressive. That's like us with jerking off. Yeah, exactly. Same thing. He jerks off too, though. He's a real gun nut, like a legit gun nut. He does long range shooting. He enters into competitions and stuff where they shoot out to like a thousand plus yards.

I try to understand because I try to be a good, empathetic person. I'm not a gun guy, and it's easy to be like, what do you need guns, you fucking maniac? But then I'm like, I had thousands of baseball cards. I guess they're not killing machines, but I guess you get into something, and then you're like, I want this gun, and then I want to try to get another gun. And then you get addicted to the purchasing of things. Yeah, there's that, but it's also fun to then I want to try to get another gun. And then you get addicted to the purchasing of things. Yeah, there's that.

But it's also fun to shoot them. You go to a range. Like, I went to a range with Duncan, Duncan Trussell, who's basically a Buddhist and probably one of the most peaceful people I've ever met in my life. And super brilliant guy. And he's like, this is so fun. He fucking loved it. We loved it.

We're just shooting pieces of paper, you know out a distance and clay pigeons and shit It's fun. That seems like fun. Yeah, it's also sobering like when you pull the trigger on a rifle boom And you see that bullet hit that paper and you're like that is or metal to you here clink You know when you're shooting at something it's pretty instant right? Instant yeah, yeah, I mean the when you get to longer distances is's pretty instant right instant yeah yeah i mean the when you get to longer distances is kind of interesting because you pull the trigger boom and then you hear tink like there's actually a lag time right

what kind of distance are we talking i've never shot anything further than like 400 yards i think was the longest I shot anything at the range. That's amazing. Yeah, that's pretty long. That's a fucking huge range. Yeah, it's four football fields. You have to set your scope for that, or at the very least you have to understand the drop of your bullet.

It's all about how fast your bullet's going. If you had a pencil and a bullet, right, one in each hand, and you dropped them both at the same time, they'll both fall exactly the same speed because it's the rate of gravity. So it's all a matter of how fast the bullet gets to the target. Right. Because it's going to drop. From the moment it comes out of the gun, it's dropping.

Right. So how fast is it going there is going to tell you how far it's going to drop. So if you know that, you set that. You can use ballistics, an application. You take that ballistics information, you put it into your phone, like 400 yards, 115 grains, whatever your bullet is, 300 wind mag, whatever it is. You enter all that stuff in, and then it'll tell you exactly what to do in your scope, and then you turn it, and then bink, it'll go right in the center.

Wow. Yeah, that's what those long-range dorks, they love it. They love it. They love shooting things that are really, really, really far. I think they're called snipers. Well, that's kind of, yeah, but they're not really snipers. A lot of them are civilians. Oh, they're just like people that like that.

They just have long-range competitions. Wow. Yeah, it's crazy. They have, like, a guy will be there with, like, super high-powered binoculars, like, you know, fucking big-ass scope binoculars. Yeah, it's crazy. They have like a guy will be there with like super high-powered binoculars like you know Fucking big-ass scope binoculars. Yeah, and they're like high left and calibrate low right and I'll calibrate They're just trying to like figure out like that film jarhead. Did you see that movie? I did not. Oh, it's good Isn't that people hated it?

Jake Gyllenhaal, I love Jake Gyllenhaal? People hated it, but I like it. Jake Gyllenhaal. I love Jake Gyllenhaal. I do, too. That's someone I would like to come on my face. Did you see when he was in that movie when he played a boxer and he got super ripped? I did not see that movie, but someone next to me on the plane was watching it, so I saw without hearing it. Did you get hard?

I didn't, no. Go look up Jake Gyllenhaal. It was called... Southpaw. Yes. Yeah. He got super shredded. Yeah, he's a great actor.

Come on, son. Yeah, that's something. That is fucking jacked. I mean, that is about as shredded as a man gets. That guy worked hard to get that body. No, he's amazing. He's great. Zodiac is one of my favorite movies.

Brokeback Mountain I love. Yeah, yeah. And what's the one with Nightcrawler? Yeah, yeah, too. I love that movie. Yeah, he's been in a bunch of great movies He's an interesting cat. He's good. Yeah, there's certain people that like you just want to see them act in that weird. Yes You know like they just they have a thing. Yeah, and then certain people that you're like enough of this fucking guy Yeah, there's some people that are famous actors that you're like, enough of this fucking guy. Yeah, there's some people that are famous actors that you're like, how did this guy get in? I don't understand. Drop some names.

Who decided, well, I'm afraid this podcast is too big. These people could be listening. Fuck them, though. People gotta sacrifice. There's a couple guys whose name I don't know, but I just see them, and then my wife will just, I'm sorry, I didn't know he was in this, and I'm like, thank you. There's a couple actors that you're like, this guy sucks, and he's just a guy. I didn't know he was in this. And I'm like, thank you. There's a couple of actors that you're like, this guy sucks.

And he's just a guy. I don't get it. Yeah. But most of them are great. I feel like most people that are doing well are pretty good. Yeah. In acting. Well, that's what we would hope.

See, this is the thing that I hope comes out of this whole Me Too movement besides these criminals getting busted is that it changes the whole this like there's a sort of uh the way thing there's an ecosystem out here and i've seen it with women too like there was a woman casting agent that i knew that fucked all these men and would get them parts and she was gross and she was really aggressive she tried to fuck my buddy she tried to fuck two of my buddies oh wow yeah she sounds nice to me i I kind of like her foul All right, bad breath. Everything's wrong. Okay. Yeah, I'll take your word for a long time ago She's probably dead. She probably got HPV and just died that didn't go away

But I mean I've seen it I've seen aggressive women It's not as many obviously but yeah But that people would be judged on their merits because it's, and not just, see, it's not out here, like when you're acting and trying to audition, it's not just sexual favors. It's also political leanings. And like, they'll ask you questions about things. Everyone falls in line with whatever the ideology that you're supposed to adopt in order to be accepted by this community.

So they're really looking for people to say the right things and do the right things. It's not a coincidence that everyone in Hollywood is progressive, that everyone in Hollywood is super liberal and super left wing. It's an act for a lot of them. For a good percentage of people out here, it's a fucking act. Right. It's a thing that gets you attention and credit. But couldn't it be part of it?

I mean, I don't disagree, but I do think a lot of people that are naturally artistic, they become open-minded, and then they end up going to places where they're very diverse. And part of becoming progressive, I think, is meeting a lot of these people that are, you know, gay people and Muslim people and trans people. And then you go, oh, these people are just like me, blah, blah, blah. For sure.

Yeah, there's that too. That's got to be part of it. There's that too. But there's such a prevalence of fake humans that you got to realize that like most of these people have no opinions. They're not real opinions What they're doing is they're just sort of spouting out this predetermined pattern of behavior that they feel like would be accepted Yes, oh for sure, and I think yeah, it's Set up that way. Yeah, like I said, I mean, I'm basically just saying what you just said. Well, they just want it so bad

Want it so bad Yeah, well, that's the danger of being motivated by Well, they just want it so bad. They want it so bad. Yeah. Well, that's the danger of being motivated by fame and success. It's so bad. That's where I think what helps a lot of comedians is it starts off, the seed is not fame or fortune. It's like, I want to be as funny as I want to bring as much joy to the audience as I can.

And so as long as you can keep that, you end up being a pretty decent person and a good artist. Yeah. You just want to kill. The thing about, there's some traps in that too, right? And this is one of the traps that leads to people stealing material is that you just want to kill. You want to kill. You want to, you want to feel that feeling. So you want it. It's not that you want the audience to have it. It's like you want to kill. Right. And the way you kill is they have a great time. But you will do that at any cost.

So you take other people's work and try to pawn it off as your own. You pretend to be someone you're not. Right. So they'll like you more. So you'll kill louder. I'm afraid someone's going to take this clip where you keep saying you and it's just showing me being like, I'm sorry. Someone's definitely going to do that.

This is like a Colin Quinn used to have that old joke. He's like, someone tells you the story and they use you as, he's like, you're telling me you sleep with kids and you think that's okay. And he's like,

not me. I'm not the guy. But yeah, that is a weird thing that people do. The desire to kill. So you're telling me you think it's okay to rob old ladies. Yeah,

and there's people walking by. Get the fuck out of here. I didn you're telling me you think it's okay to rob old ladies. Yeah, yeah. And there's people walking by. Get the fuck out of here. I didn't say that. No, I know you didn't say that. Yeah, but they don't hear that part. These fucking guys who rob old ladies. But yeah, that definitely is. But I try to be in tune with that too, like in a meditative way of that.

Because you get so, as a comedian, you get so obsessed with just like the sound of killing wanting to Kill it you forget that they're actually a group of human beings right and then you're like you are the goal is to Bring joy to the people that you're actually yes trying to get laughs and trying to feel the joy of Providing joy as opposed to just like if I kill I'll get on TV if'll get on TV. And if I get on TV, I can pitch my show. I try to kind of organically walk it back to the room in the moment of making these people here laugh. That's a great attitude. But I think New York is better in that regard in that there's not really a lot of industry. Right.

It's really just about killing. It's just about being funny. Yeah. About doing well. It feels like a lot of the motivation in New York is to kill. So you'll get more seller spots the next week. Yes. As opposed to I'll kill so I can get in the room with true TV or whatever.

Right, right, right, right. Yeah. You don't want that. I'm hoping that goes away. And I think it is. That's one thing that's kind of reinvigorated the Los Angeles scene is actually the death of jobs, believe it or not. Like there's no jobs for comedians anymore other than being a comedian. Right. So because, and also because of podcasts and the internet, because people can put their

clips up on YouTube and because people can do things on the internet, there is no longer like the really important stuff for your career is no longer held by these gatekeepers, like the network executives that are constantly there. They're never there anyway. Like if you have an if you get a show approved by a network executive, there's a real good shot that in six months that person won't be there anymore. Right, right. Real good shot. Yeah, that's like that. It feels like in the whole industry.

So many bookers you in comedy starting out, you try to impress this booker or get in with them where you're like kind of hanging out and like having a beer. And then next thing you know, they're like in accounting. They're's more support amongst comedians. Because comedians do each other's podcasts. And on the podcast you'll talk about each other. And sometimes it's bad. Like how we're shitting on Ari Shaffir. Because I'm fucking really tired of Ari. Aren't you? I'm not. You've known him a lot longer. I love him.

I'm just kidding. But I mean sometimes it is bad though. If someone gets exposed. If someone does piss you off. Or someone is doing something unethical and you find out about it through a podcast. But for the most part, most comedians in these podcasts are being like super supportive. Yeah. No, it's the best. I mean, I think most things I've gotten in my career are from other comedians.

Yeah. Yeah. At this point. Yeah. I think that's real normal. And it's normal East Coast and West Coast. And it didn't used to be like that. There wasn't this really super supportive community

out there anymore. But there wasn't always... I think it's the podcast thing. I really do because so many people have podcasts now. Yeah. Well, it's also contagious when someone does so much for you and brings you on the road and buys you lunch and tweets your shit. You're like, oh, I want to do that for somebody and so then it keeps Appalling for it's a good feeling. It's a nice to be nice to the nice

Yeah it's a great feeling and you really get to know like Ari's podcast one of my favorite podcasts because he you get to know him in his podcast like he does these He'll do an intro that's 40 minutes long for a conversation and it's him stoned wandering around his apartment cooking salmon and talking about it and like and talking about this and that and something that sucks and this is stupid and that's great and you know it's like you get to hear him yeah no Ari is a uh a special not to sound like a fucking fruitcake but he's a special human being I love that guy.

You know what I love about him more than anything? Well, I love a lot of things about him, but he figured out who he was and got successful and when he got successful, he gave zero fucks. Once he got successful, he's like,

okay, I've got a couple hundred thousand dollars in the bank. You can all suck my ass. Yeah. And he doesn't compromise anything. Yeah, and he takes care of people in a way that I'm like, I'm concerned about your finance. Like, he'll do a show and split the door evenly with everybody. And I'm like, you should take the money. You sold it out.

You hosted the show. You produced the show. Like, I've done his storytelling show and he's like, here's $860. And I told like an eight minute story and didn't even do great. I'm like, ah, I'm sorry.

That sucked. He's like, whatever. Here's $900. And you're like, okay. Like you could have paid me a hundred bucks. It's like a Tuesday.

And I would have blown you. But that's the way he is. As long as you come in my face, right? Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to swallow that. Jew load.

But then I've produced a show with him. We did a show together and then it's when it fucks you, the splitting the money where I'm like, I don't want to fucking split the money. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That does fuck you. Especially if it's your show. But no, he's a, he's a great guy.

We just went out and hiked in, uh, Mount Zion and, um. Is that Utah? Zion National. I might have made the mount part up zion national forest yeah yeah i don't know there's a mountain vault is that utah in utah yeah but he like paid for the airbnb place where all the fucking has the wild like rock formations and shit yeah i'm thinking about yeah it's pretty it's pretty amazing yeah but uh he got this like airbnb that was like seven bedrooms and a hot tub and he paid for the whole thing.

Damn. And then I got this reflux thing. So he made all this special food just for me. Is that you guys? That's us right there. Wow, look at that. That's Mike Vecchione and my wife, Sarah Talamash, and myself. Did you see any mountain lions or any crazy shit when you're out there?

We saw nothing crazy. I mean, it was beautiful and amazing, but nothing insane. That is beautiful. That was the house he got. Nice Airbnb. It's like a retreat for like all these crazy drums in there and big fireplace indoor, outdoor. It was pretty unbelievable. You know, the weird thing about Airbnbs is you find like little fucking webcams where

people are watching you 24-7. Wow. That's the backyard? That's the back porch. Yeah. Fuck. That view's amazing. Yeah, it was incredible.

And then the next day, my wife and I drove to Sunnyvale, California. We all said goodbye. I was going to do Rooster Teeth Feathers. And we went to the mall to eat, and all of our shit got rubbed. Everything I'm wearing, everything she's wearing is stolen.

We had this big, like, meditative Zion hiking three days together. You just feel like, man, fucking life, bro. And then we went to the cheesecake factory. I was starving. I'm like, I gotta eat something. And we came out and 100% of our luggage and computers were stolen. Out of your car? Yeah, which I guess is an epidemic

in the, what's that called? Silicon Valley. Really? Huge. San Jose, San Francisco. To the point where the cops were like, oh yeah, alright, take care. Did they break into your car? I guess they went into the trunk, but I thought maybe I didn't lock the door, but a bunch of people have

tweeted at me saying they have like fucking decoder things, they can just get into cars now. Jesus Christ. And they prey on rental cars because they know you have suitcases and shit. They see that little no smoking thing. And that's a thing in Silicon Valley? Yeah.

So after that happened, we noticed every restaurant we'd go to would see at least like one business guy eating with a suitcase next to him. We're like, you got to bring your shit inside. But it was brutal. Silicon Valley is a weird spot because you have all these really rich people and then you have a fucking army of homeless folks. Yeah, I mean that feels like America and getting more and more that way. Somebody was telling me this, Jamie, find out if this is true because someone was telling me

there's a woman that I know that lives out here and she was saying that they bust people, bust them in from other cities. They take their homeless people and give them one-way tickets to Los Angeles. I heard that with Hawaii. Is that what you said? No. Oh, I heard that happens in Hawaii.

They fly them to Los Angeles. That's a good move. If you're in Hawaii, good luck getting a ticket back, you fuck. But if you bus them, they can always get back. They're on the same piece of ground. Right. It's not as effective. That's a good point. They should fly them to Hawaii. That's what LA should do.

Send them back, yeah. Yeah, save a lot of money. And I think that's like- Get a few jumbo jets. Get one of them A37s that tends to crash. And make it a- I think you should make it a night, like a fucking private,

like a Air Force One with his food and foot massager. And then they're like, oh, wow, this is going to be great. And then you're like, no, it ain't. Yeah, fly them into Molokai. That's that island that they used to send the lepers. So there's an article I just found that was done by The Guardian in 2017. Seems like a pretty long and in-depth article.

It doesn't say they're being bused specifically to Los Angeles, but this one, the example they're giving is a ticket purchase to this guy by the city of San Francisco. And I think this was sending him to Indianapolis. So he went 2,300 miles the other way. How weird is that? That should be so illegal to not take care of your homeless problem but rather to send them. He traveled 2,275 miles over three days to reach his destination in Indianapolis

and then freeze to death. Imagine you go from San Francisco to Indianapolis and you don't have the proper footwear. That sucks. Cities have been offering homeless people free bus tickets to relocate elsewhere for at least three decades. What? That is gross. Well, if you're just offering them a ticket. Yeah, but it's not so bad.

Until now, there's never been a systematic nationwide assessment of the consequences. Where are these people being moved to? What is the impact those programs are having on the cities that send and the cities that receive them? And what happens to these homeless people after they reach their destination? Well, the best example of that was that Wild Wild Country documentary. Did you watch that? Yeah, I did. I mean, they took over a fucking town with homeless folks.

Yeah, that was one of those ones. Every cult thing I watched, the first half hour, I'm like, I did. I mean they took over a fucking town with homeless folks. Yeah, that was one of those ones every cult thing I watched the first like half hour. I'm like this seems pretty nice Yeah, yeah, like this sounds kind of awesome and then slowly you're like, oh, maybe it's on the boys and the people fuck Even the Scientology was like that Yeah, I was watching like a half hour and I was like I kind of am into this religion Which one going clear the HBO that's right when Alex Alex Gib alex alex gibney i think maybe yeah it's lawrence wright's book okay going clear yeah the book is even more bizarre because it gets obviously like way more into depth about how crazy l ron hubbard

was and what he essentially did and how he started this whole thing and he's he was self-analyzing he was trying to heal himself because he was fucking crazy. And along the way he got really into psychology and self-help books and then was quoted saying if you want to make real money you start a religion and then started a religion. Yeah. Well he's not wrong. He was right. Yeah. He did alright.

Watch this graphic that they used on here. I have to scroll down and make it activate but it shows their data showing all these homeless people getting sent around the country. It shows them just like those little dots getting moved around. So they're sending them from Los Angeles and New York primarily.

Look at that. Little loads. By year. I can't show the whole graphics because we can't see it. That is crazy. Yeah, it's like... What is that burst? Is that burst from... Is that Southern California? Right here, yeah. That looks like San Francisco.

San Francisco would be up here. This would be LA, like San Diego. But Florida seems to have the most. It started in Florida. This graphic starts down in Florida. Wow. Yeah. Well, that makes sense.

It's warm. The hurricanes, I think, too, was around that time period when they got smashed in 2010. Oh, yeah. I like the idea of all the ones passing each other, though. Like, there's two homeless guys passing each other like ships in the night. Here's where you don't see them land. Texas. Texas doesn't give a fuck.

They'll just shoot you. They'll shoot you. They have a hole for homeless people. Like they have out in the desert. Why not like Wyoming? They don't have enough people up there anyways. It's cold. It's bears.

It's fucking hard to live up there. They're just not interested in taking in your homeless. Yeah, it's a, you know, by the time you get to be a certain age and you're homeless, I guess you just have to accept the fact that this is just life. This is the life you've, you know. Yeah, it seems unpleasant. I enjoy having a home, personally.

Me too. I recommend it. Yeah, I like going in there. I recommend one with a lock. Yeah, that's the best. So you could sleep. Yeah. Do you like living in New York?

I love it, yeah. But I'm on the road so much that it's ideal. I'm never home for really more than 10 days, which with New York is ideal. You ever think about moving out here? Not really. I mean, yeah, the answer is yes, but I don't think I will because I'm like a road dog. The answer is yes, but I don't think I will because I'm like a road dog. So LA is tough because you're behind the eight ball with the time.

You're three hours behind most of the markets. Oh, for flights? Yeah. So you got to get up at like 6 a.m. or leave the day before. And I like the Comedy Cellar. I like being there. I like doing those quality spots and you can kind of do multiple. My family's in New England. I like going home to see them.

Do you work when you're in New England as well yeah I do what do you do like Laugh Boston I do Laugh Boston it's a great spot yeah it's cool yeah I'm there

at some point November like Thanksgiving there used to be a hundred fucking comedy clubs in Boston there used to be so many and now there's just Laugh Boston

and like what else there's the Wilbur yeah the Wilbur Nick's Comedy Stop still around Nick's is still around yeah that's crazy that

that place is still around yeah that's been there forever but I used to work there 30 years ago Yeah, the Wilbur. Nick's Comedy Stop is still around. Nick's is still around, yeah. That's crazy that that place is still around. Yeah, that's been there forever. I worked there 30 years ago. That's amazing. I worked there 18 years ago. That's crazy. Yeah.

But yeah, the comedy connection was like my home. You did that in Faneuil Hall, right? Yeah, that was amazing. Is that where you started? Yeah, I didn't start. I started a place called Chop's Lounge lounge which was like a true open mic where it was like street people and fucking people that had been bussed in from san francisco it was like a sign up and go on and uh there'd be like a mixture of comics and then just weirdos and so i started there and then i went uh eventually the comedy connection i started working but that's where I first started opening for people and doing like real comedy work. And it kind of spawned

from there. You know what? I mean, it's weird for us, but you know who it's really weird for? It's really weird if you try to like do open mics and you're like a singer. Yeah. I don't know how that works. It doesn't work well. It works terrible. Yeah. There was comics that would go to like music open mics. I mean there are music open mics, right? I guess. I went to a poetry slam

open mic once. I've been to comedy shows that feel like poetry slams. Well in New York you get a lot of that now, right? Yeah. Where you're just like, what? I heard there's a lot of like really ridiculous sort of like woke comedy being performed yeah definitely there's a thing where it's now become oddly hacky they don't realize

that you're like well this is now hack right where you're like uh trump or a white male privilege which i'm like yeah i understand it's an issue whatever but you're like seven other comics started their sentence with that same thing. But they might be able to say that about me, saying sex jokes or whatever. White male privilege is only a problem because of racism and because of sexism. If racism and sexism are out of the picture, it's not your fault. It's not your fault that you're a white male. The problem is that some people are not white males.

If you're a black woman and you encounter prejudice everywhere you go and discrimination everywhere you go, the problem is the discrimination. It's not Joe List being a white male. They've fucked the whole thing up because they've really created resistance where there should be none because you've made people perpetrators when they've done nothing wrong. You just were born a white male. You got unlucky the same way, or you got lucky, I should say. Depending on your perspective, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, they didn't ask to be born a black woman. Someone didn't ask to be born a Polynesian man. You are who you are. You just, you are. The real problem is people that care. The people that look at you and go, oh, it's a fucking white man. Great, that's what I want. The opinion of another white man.

Like, that is the real problem. The real problem is, that's sexism. That's what I want. The opinion of another white man. That is the real problem. The real problem is that's sexism. That is racism. They don't even think it is because they think you're white and you have white privilege. But you're discriminating based on something that someone has zero control over. I agree. It's fucking

horseshit. Yeah. It's a bummer. I'm tired of this. I feel bad. I was like, I'm just trying to tell my dick and shit jokes and get my 25 bucks and get out of here yeah but that's like like i said people can look at my act and be like he's talking about dicks and shit i talk about all kinds of things sometimes dicks and shit too though yeah well those are funny things need to be discussed well dicks and shits are funny often yeah i have to like curb myself from having I'm like, I got too many shit jokes now. This is like 12 minutes. How many you got? I got a few. I got a chunk, but it's funny.

Shitting's funny, you know? But sometimes you just get on a run where that's what you're interested in. Yeah, well also once you have a bit that's working you want to extend it and write other things about it. So then that's the way it goes. I had a time period where I had like four bits about

aliens yeah and i was like god damn this is too much you almost once you get to a certain point you start going well can i just go all the way and just do a one-man show about aliens right go to edinburgh yeah i'll just be the alien guy yeah i bet you could you could be like uh like have a slideshow behind you yeah set. SETI research. The fucking, the big dish that you see in the movie Contact. Jodie Foster. Yeah. I'm not familiar with that movie.

No? I mean, I'm familiar with it. I never, I wasn't into it. You didn't see that movie? I've never been a big alien guy. You're not a believer? I feel like this is the kind of place where you could produce an alien. I'm like, no, not really.

I can show you. And then a fucking thing comes and rapes me. Well, I could show you the aliens, but you're going to have to not be sober. Oh. You're a fully sober guy, right? Yeah. Did you used to be a not sober guy? Yeah, I was a, yeah. Were you a mess?

Mentally, I felt like a mess. I mean, I never killed anybody or anything, but I'm an alcoholic, yeah. I shit in a girl's shoe and got herpes. Yeah, I had some fun. Whoa. In a girl's shoe. What did she do to you? Nothing.

Just invited me to stay at her house. I don't remember doing it. I was in a blackout or whatever, but yeah, I was all fucked up. And then I woke up and I had to piss so bad. I just woke up in the bed and I was like, I got to piss. I was like, I don't know where I am. I actually had a flight. I was going to the Seattle Comedy Competition.

Did you ever do that? No. It's like a month-long competition. What? Yeah. A month long? They call it Seattle, but it's actually all over Washington State. You drive three hours a night.

It's pretty crazy. Really? Yeah. But I had to like be there the next day for a month. I had like a 10 a.m. flight and I woke up at like 9 20 in the morning in this girl's bed and I was like I gotta get the hell out of here but first I gotta piss. If I piss in this woman's bed it's gonna be it's gonna be horrible. So I ran to the bathroom found the bathroom pissed for like a half hour you know those and i'm trying to like put my shit together i'm all fucked up and then i came out into like her living room and uh her table had been like smashed like a chris farley fucking table and you know that feeling when you're fucked up when you look at something and

you're like that was definitely me i can just feel like i'm pretty sure i'm responsible for that and then i was like i gotta go find my clothes so i went back into her room and uh on the way there i saw like kind of like footprints of poo and then i came in and she had a high top nike sneaker that just had like a big dukes in there. Yeah, and there was some little pieces around. And then there was like a big puddle of urine too. Like I didn't just, because you never just shit. So I like pissed and shit, but I got it in a sneaker. Like I fucking nailed it. So you did it on purpose.

Well, I think, I mean, I was in a blackout. But I think what happened was I thought it was a toilet. Because that's not like my sense of humor. I've never been like a take a shit places. So I think I just saw a cylinder. How could you think a sneaker was a toilet? Well, if it's dark, it's black and it's a hole. How big is her fucking shoes?

Shit, real big feet. It was a big woman. No, so I shit in there. And then. Did you lose contact with her after this? No, so I was like, I got to get what did you lose contact with her after this or no? So I was like I gotta get out of here cuz I gotta go catch this flight So I took my sock and put it on like a like a puppet like a hand puppet a sock puppet and just kind of Picked it up that way and then turn the sock inside out right

Which like like almost like a shit in the sock and threw that away and I tried to wipe up as much of the she asleep No, no no they're gone oh my god so i thought it's like 9 30 in the morning i thought i just went so crazy they all fled their own home so then i get in the cab to go to the airport i'm missing my flight and i text the girl and i was like i'm so i want to kill myself like i can never i'm so sorry did you tell her that i should no well i figured she knew knew. So she wrote back, it's okay. It was crazy, crazy night. It was fun or whatever.

And I was like, man, this girl must fucking party. Like, she's just like, okay with me shitting. I was like, this woman's wild. So then I got to the airport, flew across the country, missed my flight. I got the next flight out on the plane. I like crossed my leg at one point and realized I had shit up my pant leg. And so I had to subtly put it down. I always had a middle seat for a full...

Inside or outside of your pant leg? On the pant leg. Outside of my pant leg. How much shit? Just a good streak. I would say ankle to knee. You didn't go to the bathroom and try to clean it up? No, because I was already on the plane.

I was in a middle seat. And it was caked on there. my this is like hours later oh my god so then i landed took the plane the phone off of airplane mode and had a text that was like holy shit we had no idea how bad it was and i was like that makes more sense that is a better reaction yeah because i thought they must so the crazy part is, I shit... It was like 9 in the morning. They had left for work. Are you sure that it was your shit? Yeah. They didn't

have a dog, and I assume they don't just shit in their own shoes. So, I wanted to kill myself, but then I was late, so I had to go straight to the show. And I ended up... With shit on your pants? Yeah, yeah. With shit on my pants and my leg. It was like cake to my leg hair.

And it was the first night of the competition. The people in the front row going- No, I don't think- Anybody smelled it? I don't think they noticed, because I think it would have been- I don't know. No one said anything. Joe List is funny, but guys, my leg hair is shit.

So then I finished, and I took a shower, finally, like 12 hours later. And I was actually- I remember pulling a little pieces of shit out of my leg hair. It was the best shower of my life. It felt like. How was your set?

Good, I killed, and I ended up winning that night, because each night you judge, and I came in like first place.

It was like one of the best sets I've ever had. That sounds like a real comedian. Yeah. You show up with shit on your legs, and you win a competition,

and you fucking kill. I love it. That's a good story. It was pretty fun, And then I ended up sending this message to these women. I have the message. It was on Facebook, so it lives forever. But it's about like this long. It's like a 12 inch. It just keeps

going. I'm like, I want to kill myself. I don't know how this happened. I really wanted to die. And luckily they were like 22. They were like fresh out of college so they were like pretty forgiving. Yeah, but they were in their 30s. Did they send you a bunch of crying emojis? No, they were like fresh out of college so they were like pretty lol forgiving yeah but they were in their 30s i would have sent you a bunch of crying emojis no they were just like the laughing crying one with the tears yeah that's my favorite one so i sent um 300 bucks in a car i called my friend

nate bargetzi and uh i was like how much is 300 bucks like a good amount and he's like he's from tennessee he's like i don't think there's an amount you can say that's too much so i sent him a card with 300 bucks and um i didn't really keep in touch with them but they were they were nice and they're like hopefully you don't get that fucked up again and then by the way i drank that and i kept drinking for two more you think that would be like a bottom and then i remember that night being like well i'm gonna drink again at some point i might as well so I drank for like two more years. Then I got herpes.

I tried to stop then too. And then I just kept going. Fuck it. Yeah. And what made you hit bottom? I finally just, well, I fucking hated myself. I still do a little bit, but not as much. And I just, it wasn't fun.

I knew I had to quit. It's like same as food. At some point I got to stop doing, this isn't a normal amount of drinking. And then, um, it just fucking, it kind of happened. I tried to stop a couple of times and, uh, I'd go like a few days and, and then one day it was just like a thing of like, let me, I'm going to, this is it. I'm stopping now. I remember my brother-in-law, his father had just died. It was Christmas. And I was like making a joke, you know, when you're drunk,. It was Christmas. And I was like making a joke. You know when you're drunk trying to be funny? And I was like busting his balls

about his dad. And he was like, yeah, I'm upset. I remember just feeling like such a fucking piece of shit. And then I remember like kind of the day after Christmas, I was like,

I kind of just blacked out. Like I came home and I was like, I don't even remember what the fuck. And I was like, I got to stop. And then I was at Helium in Philadelphia. And I stopped. Great club. Yeah. And I was with Gary G stop and then i was at uh helium in philadelphia and i started club yeah and i was with gary gulman i was opening for gary gulman also my career was like kind of shit i was like 16 years at 15 years in or whatever oh actually less than that 12 years

in i guess um and i was like i gotta do something i gotta turn this around so i just stopped and i got fucking really into it into sobriety and it's like a new uh life you're like oh everything feels new again and fresh again i'm like i'll go back to this i'll get into sports again i'll go to museums you're not tired all the time yeah and then you just feel better yeah the feel better thing's huge that's that's the problem is you're tired all the time like when you if you drink a lot you're always like a little bit behind the eight ball well i would lose days of my life because i was just hung over it felt like shit and then i realized for basically a decade i was drunk or hung over or just foggy like where you turn your head and it takes a moment for everything to kind of like

catch up where i was just fucking foggy and um and just like that deep hatred and i knew i had to go all in and like, I gotta, I can't, I'm not a guy that's like, I'll have a beer. And I never had that. Even now, when I think about I've sober almost seven years, six and a half years, even now, when I think about a drink, I'm not like, it'd be fun to have a beer. I'm like, ah, it'd be fun to have fucking 500 beers right now. You know what I mean? Just to go whole hog and black out again. Yeah. So, and then the problem was, you know, when you quit to go whole hog and yeah out again yeah so and then the problem was you know when you quit get sober like the first 90 days they're like just don't worry

about anything except for not drinking just eat whatever do whatever and so i started doing that with food i was like i'm eating cookies and so and then i just never started so i just did that for years with food and now that's kind of caught up to me what do you you, do you think now, and how many years have you been sober now? About six and a half. So you're just sober now. You're cool with it. This is who you are. Yeah.

Imagine if you did a show called Joe List Gets Fucked Up, where it's like you have handlers to make sure you don't shit in anybody's shoe. Yeah. You have everything taken care of, and you go, look, I haven't had a drink in six years, but I'm sober now. I'm content being sober, but for of, and you go, look, I haven't had a drink in six years, but I'm sober now. I'm content being sober, but for tonight, and tonight only, we're having a one-night Joe List gets fucked up special. And you just start at a bar and start getting hammered. I think I would have to perform early.

Am I doing a show? No, no, no. No, the show would be just following you around with cameras while you get blasted. Oh, okay. Because I was going to say, if it's a show, I'd have to do it early. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have to have like two beers because then I'd be sobbing and be like, ah, my fucking. I fell apart.

Yeah, yeah. I lost it. I had it. Yeah. I was sober for six years. Now I've been sober at no time. Zero. That's the motivating, one of the motivating, motivating i mean there's a lot but like the

idea of going back to like um day one it's like such a um which happens and it's part of getting sober then people go i don't want to disparage people that are having that happen but like it's such a bummer to fucking walk back in there and be like i got one day and you're like yeah it happens uh of course i knew a lot of guys who had that they would get sober fuck here and dive back in and yeah I went I did well I tried early on I tried to quit drinking and then I was like oh I'll smoke pot though because I don't have and then you realize with wheat like I'm like oh I'm outside of my mind this is the same as I'm fucked up like when you get high enough you're like well this is not sobety. I'm fucking retarded right now.

Right, right. Was your thing just not being in your mind, getting outside of your mind? Or was your thing blacking out and ruining your life? Because the only thing that's good about pot is you don't feel terrible. Yeah. Well, I think I have like that addictive personality. So then I'd be high. But now it does seem like

more appealing because nowadays first of all it's like you can go to a store and there's a guy that's like this weed makes you feel happy this one chills you out this one makes you gay this one's crazy like before when I was I was never a big weed guy but I'd get drunk and smoke

and sometimes you'd just smoke some fucking crazy demon weed and be out of your mind it was just whatever weed was just weed now it feels like there's categories and shit dude i did uh be real smoke box you know be real from cypress hill i i do now i know cypress hill be real is uh you know the guy would talk raps in the crazy high pitched voice, Dr. Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, I did his smoke box and, you get in this Cadillac and you smoke weed until you are no longer even a person. You are just, uh,

you are a thought that is like a cork that's flowing down a raging river headed to a waterfall. Like you are so fucked up. Yeah. And you're trying to have a conversation and you're being filmed. And these guys do that every day. There's people that just get obliterated every day. Yeah. I think that sometimes weed, people don't take it sick.

It's like it's just weed and it's natural or whatever. But sometimes there's people that I'm like, yeah, but you're fucked up all day every day. Yeah. If you have an addictive personality and you have a problem with anything, there's a lot of people that get into that Kratom stuff. Do you know what that stuff is? Kratom is, it's like a plant-based, I think people are trying to call it an opiate. I don't know if it's technically an opiate, but it's legal. You can buy it and it helps people and it actually alleviates a lot of the symptoms of opiates and it acts as a

mild stimulant when you take a little bit of it like if you take two pills it's like a cup of coffee it's like oh i like this is nice but then i said i wonder what it's like like and i was asking a friend of mine who takes it all the time i go how much do you take and he's like i take 10 pills i go 10 you take 10 like what the fuck is that like so i did it i tried it i think i took eight i don't even think i took 10 and i was fucked up i was like oh you guys are getting high yeah like this is your high i'm high right now like this is not like you're not sober don't tell me you're sober and you're taking eight pills a kratom like that stuff gets you high and you can you it legally. But it's a weird high. It's like everything functions, like your muscles and your arms and everything moves the way it's supposed to.

It doesn't feel like you're uncoordinated or you're tripping and stumbling or anything like that. But your brain is like, this is not sober. It's just like screaming. This is not sober. But it's a different kind of this is not sober interesting yeah you're not you're like i could have a conversation with you and you might not even know that i was fucked up on this stuff right and i could go lift weights i could go do something like it wouldn't it wouldn't impair like you go running on that stuff so is it like

a heady buzz or like a body it's a heady thing right it's a head it's a weird one like i was really shocked at how high I got. Because I felt like, because that's what someone said. They said if you take two pills, it has a mild stimulant effect similar to a cup of coffee. But if you take multiple pills,

then it becomes more of like a downer. Not a downer. More relaxing. More like an opiate. Right. But I didn't realize how fucked up you actually get. Like, you get pretty fucked up. And then you get a tolerance tolerance for it so a lot of these guys are taking like 10 pills then

going to the gym and they're like oh i need it for my back i'm like you're getting blasted yeah that's like that with booze and all drugs it feels like you kind of chase that yeah thing i mean that's yeah yeah well that's the thing right it's like we were talking about with smartphones or like we were talking about with video games like things were talking about with video games. Things get away from you. That's part of the problem of being a comic, right? All of us, there's something wrong with your brain to want to do this, right? Yeah, I think there's definitely some sort of desire. There's some attention you didn't get somewhere.

Something went wrong. And you're upset about it. And so when you're not on stage or when you are on stage, you're trying to do something else to make you forget about that. Yeah. Attention or affection you didn't get somewhere along the line. Yeah, it's a fucking, if you can harness it, though, like that I didn't get enough attention can be super beneficial. It gives you insight. Yeah.

It'll give you motivation if you can harness it yeah it's interesting to go um that sort of self-reflecting and therapy or whatever whatever your method is or people do it with mushrooms or whatever but that introspective of like oh those moments where you're like i'm doing that because of that that's neat yeah then there's the next step of no longer doing the things you don't want to do because of that. Or the habits that you have. And the next step, you go to the Ram Dass Center in Malibu, start doing acid. Oh.

I don't think in Malibu they have it. Where's, oh, Maui. Duncan goes to Maui every year. Hangs out with Ram Dassin. Wow. They meditate. That's exciting. Yeah, people come from all over the world to meet this guy and meditate with him.

Yeah, that's pretty amazing. I listen to, I love Thich Nhat Hanh. You know that guy? No. Oh, he's a Buddhist monk. I think he's about to die. I think he's like in his 90s. He hung out with MLK back in the day.

MLK nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize. He's written like 70 books. What is his name again? Thich Nhat Hanh. It's T-H-I-C-H space N-H-A-T. Where is he from? He's from Vietnam. But now he's been living in France for like, I don't know, 30 years.

He's got his own meditation center. But he writes all these books and there's videos you can find. Do you meditate? I do. I try. Sometimes I just, I'm such a fucking anxious guy that it's sometimes hard. But I read him a lot. And Jack Kornfield is another Buddhist.

That's Thich Nhat Hanh, yeah. That guy's 90 years old? He's close. He's in his- Is that an old picture? Probably. That's great. But I also, yeah, I mean, he's a real Zen master.

Yeah, so maybe he's going to live forever or some shit. And then Tara Brock, I listen to her podcast. Oh, he's old as fuck now. Yeah, that makes more sense. I'll listen to her guided meditation. I'll do that. Do you use an app? I just, her podcast has like a, she does these guided ones, so not an app, but a podcast.

And then sometimes I'll just sit. Have you ever done a float tank yet? No, your guy, I don't know what producer, I guess, was showing it to me, but I feel like I'd have a fucking panic attack in there. You can just open the door anytime you want. Oh, okay. I mean, it's not like it closes you in. Yeah, it seems terrifying.

The door just go like, just like that. Just touch it gently. It'll open. Oh, okay. I mean, it's not like it closes you in. Yeah, it seems terrifying. The door just goes like, just like that. Just touch it gently, it'll open, it's nothing. That's good to know. Yeah. But no, I've never done it. I should.

But yeah, I've had panic disorder throughout my life. And I just, for the first time in like a long time, had a couple panic attacks last week.

For the first time in like two years, yeah. What was fucking with you? I think a lot, there's like a, well, first of all doing this show is anxiety now i feel like we're just bullshitting i'm just trying to pretend there's not that's how it always is a plethora of people listening so i'm glad that you got there

because when we said in the beginning like we almost didn't start i was like you want to tell people you were telling me that you were kind of anxious like well let's just talk let's just i well you're very disarming but oh. Oh, I'm not trying to be. I appreciate it. I appreciate that you are. But I think a lot of it is like, you know, this is a huge show. And then my wife was doing Late Night last night. And then I'm on the road with Louie.

And, you know, he's this, I have a lot of, my biggest fears are being like, you know, you've disliked and wanting to be pleased people. I'm a people pleaseraser as many alcoholics are so i feel like uh you feel like you're in the fire in these controversial situations and the bigger audience the more people are breaking down what you're saying and being like what's up with this fucking guy what is it like doing the road with you doing the road with louis now yeah uh well we've done a few dates i've done a few dates with them um it's great as the protest died down and there was we just did uh acme minneapolis i think it maxed out at eight people outside um so but for the most part it's like four or five did you say hi to them

no i just walked by i mean i i respect them for doing their whatever they're doing um but it's misguided. Yeah. You know what I was really angry at? I was really angry at Comedian's response to his leaked set. I was very angry about that. Yeah, it was strange. But I think people get pulled up into this thing.

For some reason, there's a thing now where everyone thinks they're supposed to have a take on everything. Exactly. No matter what happens, they're like, I better come up with a tweet or my take or anything. Well, not only that. It's not actually necessary. People ask you, why don't you have a take on this? Right.

Why haven't you tweeted about this? Right. Like, there was the Christchurch massacre happened, and I was reading about it, and I was like, God damn, this is fucking crazy. And I'm reading about this, I was like, God damn, this is fucking crazy. And I'm reading about this and this guy was a white nationalist and he said hi to PewDiePie before he went and killed all these people. I'm like, what the fuck?

Like, what is this? Yeah. And then I never checked my mentions. And then I just was, cause I was on Twitter looking at all this stuff. I saw something that led to something that someone tagged me and then i looked at my mentions for a second and like how come you're not talking about christ church you racist piece of shit like it just happened yeah and i i don't have a take like what the fuck am i supposed to say rest in peace like what is what does anyone

want you to say when a massacre happens this was horrible everybody knows it's horrible yeah it's a weird thing now if you don't denounce something and people you're like then you're on you're supporting it yeah and you're like i'm just trying to well with me there's been situations we're just talking to people like they don't want you talking to certain people because those people are right wing or those people and if oh you must be secretly right wing right i'm not i tell you i'm not like why don't you believe me it's a weird thing like i'm a i'm a liberal guy i always call myself a 90s liberal before everything went sideways yeah yeah i'm not like uh whatever uh you know woke is happening yeah yeah i'm uh you know yeah alissa milano's calling for

a sex strike yeah i, I saw that. I don't think that's going to work out well. That's what you do when no one wants to fuck you anymore. You start saying crazy shit like, we're going to have a sex strike. Ladies, you're going to hold out. And Tim Pool had the best take on that. He's saying, so men who agree with you won't get laid? Right.

Like what? It doesn't even make any sense. But the idea that it's the same thing we're talking about earlier. They've lumped men into this category. Like women are going to go on strike until we respect their reproductive rights in Georgia. First of all, it's just Georgia. You want to strike for the whole country. That's not going to help Georgia.

I don't know if you understand voting, but that's not how it works. There's state politics, local politics. Second of all, most men don't have anything to do with this. It's not like we have men meetings where we get together and say, hey, we got to stop these women from exercising their reproductive rights. So you're punishing a bunch of people that have nothing to do with this because we also have penises. Like what, what, what's the thought process there? This is so, but it's such an obvious virtue signal. It's so obvious that this is like pussy hats.

The women's market, we're going to do this. I'm going to do this. And then we're going to, we're going to sex strike. And a bunch of our friends probably like, yeah, this is going to work. Like this is not how to handle things. It's not us. I've never voted against women's reproductive rights. So if you're telling like my wife, she can't fuck me because if she does, she's not down for the cause.

Like, what are you orchestrating everyone's sex life? That's crazy. It's just going to make people angry at you. It's a little strange. And I'm like, I think that guy is an asshole. Can I still get laid? No, I think he stinks. No, you can't.

And abortion's such a fucking creepy subject, too, because it's such a minefield. If you're a man and you even talk about it, first of all, why are you talking about it? It has nothing to do with you. It's a woman's right to choose and a woman's body. Okay, I get it. Yes. But it's a thing. So if it's a thing, you're allowed to talk about a thing.

Right. And this thing happens to be a fetus that could become a Joe List or a Jamie Vernon or a Joe Rogan or who the fuck. It's going to be a person if it keeps going. Who is Jamie Vernon? That guy right there. Oh, hey, Jamie. Young Jamie. So as the fetus grows, it will become a person. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to terminate the pregnancy.

I'm not saying that. But that is what it is. It is. It's going to be a person. And to pretend anything else, it's like they don't. No one wants you to discuss it that way. Like no one wants you to say that this is a viable offspring. It's going to be a person someday.

No one wants you to say that. It's just there's code words like a woman's right to choose. It's like these ways of describing it, which I agree with. I'm not a pro-life person, a pro-choice person. Right. But when it gets to be like five months old and then people are saying, well, that's just a woman's right to choose. Okay, okay. It is.

It is. It is. But that's a baby baby now but that thing could live outside the womb but isn't there um isn't that law and i don't i haven't read that georgia law but isn't i don't know the georgia law but like this thing with now they can late term isn't that specifically if the baby or mother is in danger no no not everywhere um in some places it is in danger? No. No, not everywhere. In some places it is. In some places it's not. In some places you just have the right to have an abortion up until a certain amount of time. And I think it varies.

I don't think there's a federal guidelines. I think that's one of the reasons why Georgia just instituted this six-week thing. Their thing is the moment the child has a heartbreak, a heartbeat, and that apparently is six weeks in. Right. But sometimes people don't even find out they're pregnant until seven, eight, nine weeks in, and then you're saying they have to carry the baby. Yeah.

It's a fucking minefield. Yeah, it's a hard, and like many subjects, people want it to be just kind of black and white. Yeah, but we need to have a sex strike to soothe this out. that's what it is girls we're gonna go on a sex strike how many women read that and we're like yeah none how about zero many maybe maybe a few thousand few crazy bitches just out of their fight and a few men like yes please take it away from me please let me show my virtue let me show my virtue yeah i imagine it's a small amount. Imagine being her husband. She's like, we're going on a sex strike.

That's it. Sex strike. And he sees the fucking Twitter post and she made a poster for it with the little fucking pink ribbon and shit. Like, good Christ. He's probably like talking to his lawyer. Like, what? Okay, what would I lose if I left right now?

Like, how much? What would I have to pay? Like, what if she can test that? Okay, and then how much of the legal fees how many what is it like an average amount of time you have to spend in? court It's all men they all did it no sex for any men until we get our rights Well, it's a very similar. I mean, isn't that the mindset of racism? Yes, exactly. It's a very similar mindset of like, oh, someone was murdered. These six guys on the train were yelling at me.

Exactly. No more Latinos on the train. Yeah, 100%. It's the same thing. It's generalizations. And the idea that you have anything to do with other males. And it's even crazier than racism because it's like the whole gender. It's the whole gender.

It's like not just like just white guys suck. No, it's like fucking everybody sucks. Nobody gets any pussy. Right. Until we sort this out. Yeah. But do you think maybe part of it is just that. What is this, Jamie?

Oh, this is Bridget. My friend Bridget Phetasy. Oh, that's hilarious. She sent someone to Melissa Milano's husband to call me. But you know what's funny is. She liked it. it as just that uh what is this jamie oh this is bridget my friend bridget fantasy she said someone tell elissa milano's husband to call me but you know what's funny is she liked it yeah she liked it elissa milano liked it well it's a good joke she's got it it is she's funny bridget fantasy is very funny um but she's gotta know that was a ridiculous thing to say sometimes you swing and you miss just like sometimes you have a joke that you try out and it bombs. And you're just like, well, fuck this joke. Yeah. I've been on jokes where

I'm like, oh, no one even realized an attempt at humor had just been made. Those are where you're like, oh, sorry. You know what's weird? When a line kills at one show and then dies at the next show. No, it's amazing. And you're like, I swear that's the same joke. Yeah, it's crazy. Sometimes bits just work for

like weeks. And then they go away. And then they stop and you're like, what the fuck happened here? I think it's your enthusiasm for them. Yeah, I think that's part of it. It's a big part of it. Yeah. And it feels more fresh at the beginning. Yeah, you start faking the funk and the crowd starts to smell it.

Yeah. You don't give a fuck about this subject. They can smell it on me. What movie is this? They can smell it on me. Sure as that dog can smell it. I don What movies this they can smell it on me sure as that dog can smell it Anybody what is it? It was a Tim Roth and Reservoir Dogs. Oh really? I do one impression and it's Tim Roth and Reservoir Dogs, and it's not even great

Cuz he's got British, but he's doing an American accent so sometimes it kind of sounds weird mmm. They can smell it on me That's what he's in the um the drug deal. Oh, yeah, that story. That was a good fucking movie I love that movie I met Quentin Tarantino. He's an odd fellow. He's a wonderful artist, but yeah He's a little bizarre. It's very odd, but he's a fantastic director, but he had a Bombshell with him. Oh I was like to be oh but he had a bombshell with him. Oof. I was like, to be what that guy looks like, to be with her.

Like, oof, boy, did you figure it out. Okay. I'm not good at impressions. I'm really bad at impressions. So were you pissed off when that Louis C.K. recording got released and comics were denouncing it? Yeah, it was weird. I mean, it's a bummer. First of all, a lot of people were like, these aren't even jokes.

He's not even joking anymore. And you're like, no, no, they're jokes. I understand if you don't like it or you're offended, but you're like, they're definitely jokes. He's on stage. He doesn't really think that they threw a fat kid in front of them. And that's not how he feels. He's saying something that's fucked up and funny.

And it's funny because it's fucked up, because you're not supposed to say it, which is the exact thing he's done his whole career. Right. And it's a new bit. It wasn't supposed to be heard outside of there. It wasn't done. And for these people, look, there's a lot of times you'll say something one way, and then you're like, ah, it's not working. And then you'll figure out another way to sneak in through the back door and it works way better.

And then if they heard the first way and like, this joke sucks. Like, no, no, no. I figured out I'd say it later, but now it's already on YouTube. You've ruined the material. Yeah. I mean, he dropped the bit. Cause it's just kind of like. Yeah.

It's out there too much. But. He had a fucking hilarious line. If you ever want people to forget about you jerking off make jokes about kids getting shot Yeah, he does. There's also a funny line where he's like, why are you in a suit? Which is funny? but yeah, and then people were talking about how Now the parents have to hear this and stuff and you're like well They weren't going to you took it and put it And then CBS picked it up and put it on CBS.

So now they're hearing it. But before that, there was just 180 people in Long Island hearing it. Yeah, which is what it was supposed to be. But the thing about working on material is if you like comedy, you can't release people's shit like that. Because you're never going to get good comedy. because you're never going to get good comedy because everyone's going to, like every time Dave Chappelle does a workout set or anybody,

you're going to get these half-cooked bits and then you're going to release them and it's going to ruin it for you. It's going to ruin it for the people that listen. It's like for the people that are in the room, that's for them. Right. If you're taking it out,

like there's been a lot of talk about louis making this copyright thing saying that you know that there was a legal action if you print or you do anything to record or do anything to put the material online right and someone's saying he can't do that i'm like well why can't he do that the deal the difference between that and music like if you go to hear someone sing a song and you write down the lyrics go oh my god uh gary clark jr has this amazing new song here's the lyrics that doesn't ruin the song right but if you say oh he's got this hilarious joke and the twist is he says this well you just fucked that bit up for everyone that's ever going to listen to it read that right

yeah it's uh it's frustrating it was frustrating that. Right. Yeah. It's, uh, it's frustrating. It was a frustrating. And then people start being like, he's all right now. He's going to do it. And you're like, no, he's not. People are goddamn crazy. But the comedians that denounced it were embarrassing. It's like, do you not know what a workout set is?

Do you understand this guy was out of comedy for almost a year? Do you know that this guy was doing a fucking hour after being out of comedy for almost a year? Fuck you. Stop pretending that what you do is different. Stop. And so many people were doing it. It turned out that they had a bunch of jokes that were awful or about a mass shooting or about pulling your dick out in front of someone or about anything along those lines.

It's also a bad precedent to start where I'm like, do we really want to start publicly shitting on comics, unfinished bits? Exactly. That seems like, cause I don't want that. No. I saw a list at a fucking seller and he's got this hack and you're like, Oh,

give me a moment or tell me behind the closed doors that like my bits hacky or something. How long is your, a bit ready before, like, do you have a comedy central special? You have something, right? I did. I have a Netflix half hour and I did a Comedy Central half hour okay so how long did you have to work on those bits before you were ready to put them on Comedy Central or Netflix quite a while

I like to do a bit at least three months before it's somewhere yeah what it's got a very least and it's very yeah yeah And it depends on the bit, right? Some bits are pretty fucking good a couple weeks in. Yeah, yeah. And other bits are, I've got a couple bits in my act now, and I'm like, this motherfucker needs an overhaul, and I don't even know where to start. Yeah, I've had bits that I've done for two years,

and then you finally find a line, and you're like, ah, there we go, that was it. And then you're like, now it's more of a bit. Exactly. Because it takes time to figure it out and uh but yeah it's comics should but i understand people people hate lewin they're gonna hate him so whatever he does or says i don't even believe they hate him i don't believe it you know what i think a lot of it is i think people are justifiably upset at the idea of him jerking off in front of women that didn't want him to.

There's a couple factors to that, though. One is that he asked. Yeah, it's a weird thing to want to do, jerk off in front of people, but he asked. And a lot of these stories, the way you're getting the version of it, it's like worst-case scenario. It's like he blocked the door. He didn't block any doors. And they were laughing.

People were joking around. It became this traumatic thing years later, talking about it after the fact. But then on top of that, it's like, God, don't you think the guy has suffered enough? Like, when is he suffering enough? You see this lack of empathy with people where they don't even want to respect that he's a human being. They don't want to appreciate any of his old work they don't want to they don't have anything that he could do that would make them just go all right well i know you're not going to do that again and uh you seem like a reasonable person it's like we

like you can't be your past you're not the guy who shit in that sneaker right you're joe list today yeah right yeah nobody wants to be remembered for the worst right thing they did it's and it's i think it's just a thing where they know it's an easy target i really do i think at a certain point in time people just decide that this is a guy that you can take a free shot at and you can shit on him and you can attribute things to him that aren't true you can attribute attribute a bunch of things to him that are not accurate right and it's easy like like calling him all right or saying louis ck showing his true to him that aren't true. You can attribute a bunch of things to him that are not accurate. Right. And it's easy, like calling him alt-right or saying Louis C.K. showing his true colors now.

Jesus Christ, go back and watch his bit about hitting a deer, okay? It's a fucking ridiculous, really funny material. And that's what I enjoyed about his act. Right. That bit, if left alone, I mean, it's out of his act now but if left alone in x amount of time he would have crafted that into a great bit i'm sure of it yeah i agree and there's so there was a bunch of shitty fucking half-assed comics that came out and were talking trash about it and i was like you guys should shut the fuck up because Because this whole art form is about trial and error.

This whole art form is about being able to work. It's one of the rare things that we need a crowd in order for these things to come alive. We need it. And you have to take chances. I just saw, ironically, with Louis, we went and saw Apocalypse Now during the Tribeca Film Festival. And Francis Ford Coppola was there. And he came out and he spoke about the film beforehand and after, and Robert Duvall was also there, and he came out and went, Charlie, don't surf!

It was amazing. And it was really unbelievable, but Coppola was talking after the film, and he was like, I don't know if you know the whole story about Apocalypse Now, that documentary Hearts of Darkness, which is amazing, and he put his house up for sale or put everything on the line to make the movie himself. And he was just talking about you have to take chances with art. He's like, there's no art without taking big chances. Yeah. And I mean, you're taking a chance by doing a joke.

I mean, I wouldn't do a joke about the Parkland shooting. I wouldn't either. But it's a risk and it might go bad. And it went well. It got laughs. Yeah, it got laughs. But certainly if you take anything outside of a comedy club and put it out in the public, it's not for those people.

It's for the people that bought the ticket. Well, it's also in context of the experience of being in a comedy club, having a couple drinks, watching a hilarious guy talk some shit, especially a guy coming back after a national scandal, not worldwide, worldwide scandal. Yes. You know, and it's just, look, I wouldn't joke around about them getting shot either. But one of the things that made that bit work was that, yes, it was a horrible tragedy. Yes, those kids went through that.

Yes, they're teenagers. Yes, they're went through that. Yes, they're teenagers. Yes, they're trying to figure out life and they're being interviewed on CNN and some of them are changing their opinions and they're developing and growing as we speak. But one of them, the David Hogg guy, he wrote, fuck the patriarchy on his Twitter the other day. That was his tweet, not even as a joke.

That's an 18-year-old. That's what kids do. They say silly shit. That's why the other day. Like, that was his tweet. Like, not even as a joke. Like, that's an 18-year-old. That's what kids do. Right? They say silly shit. That's why the bit worked. Right. Because he was like, why are you interesting?

Right. You know, like, why do I have to hear from you? But, well, you have to hear from them because their friends got shot. I mean, but no one, obviously, like, that's not, this is not a conversation.

This is stand-up comedy. It's an art form in saying things that are funny that are fucked up. That's part of the art form. If you deny that, that's not the kind of comedy you like, or you don't appreciate what comedy is. Yeah, and also, it's a weird thing where I'm like, I'm for those kids. I'm like, yeah, it's great. This horrible thing happened, and you're like, we're going to use what power we have. I'm like, I think that's great.

And they might actually fucking do something. Like this horrible thing happened and you're like, we're going to use what power we have. I'm like, I think that's great. Yes. And they might actually fucking do something. I mean, it's like they're making changes and I'm like, that's like fucking power to the people. God bless you. But I can still laugh at a joke about it. It's still funny to me to see someone be like, why are you in a suit? You can, both things can exist. You can have empathy for murder victims and even be like rooting for me like wow that's

amazing what these kids are doing or these young people are doing and still be like ah it's funny it's funny um it's it's not his best joke but it wasn't done you fucks and here's the other thing like do you know brian holzman is i don't think so gotta see him when you're in town if you can he's fucking hilarious he's a legitimate maniac. He's a legend in Los Angeles. When I started at the Comedy Store in 94, he was already there. And he's really fucking funny. But remember when Susan Smith drowned her kids?

That lady, she pushed her fucking car into a river or something and drowned her kids? No, but it sounds hilarious. He was on stage a very short amount of time afterwards going, Ladies and gentlemen, I heard those were bad kids. He goes, I heard they sat that close to the TV. They never put away their blocks. They were spilling their fucking milk. Those kids will not be missed.

Yeah. And you were just like, what? It's not, he didn't really think those were bad kids. Yeah. It's a fucked up thing to say that happens to be funny. Yeah. You might not be into that kind of humor That's okay. Well, that's part of I think what comedy is or has always been is saying a thing

You're not supposed to say that's like to me the very idea of comedy Yes is you're saying abnormal things right like you talking about coming in your own face and whatever or someone coming in your face Yeah, you're not supposed to express your sexually desires so openly. It's not that you really mean that. I do not. It's funny, right? Right? I think so. Right?

I was trying to be funny. It's an art form that is often cited or quoted as if it's a statement. You know, like like he said this, like he said that on stage in a comedy club as a part of a big giant chunk about this and you're taking it out of context and you do it in the worst possible way. You put it in print. Of course it looks terrible. Yeah.

Of course it looks terrible in print because it's not in a comedy club and it's not in context. It's like that has no relationship to the actual bit itself. Your print version of it, it's a lie. You should go to jail for saying that's the joke. You're a liar. You're a liar. You're defaming someone.

You're taking what they're doing and you're pretending that what they were saying is what they mean. Right. You know that's not what they mean. But you don't care. Remember that Lenny Boots in the movie, Lenny, I think, where he talked about, they were like reading his act. And he's like, but you're not saying it right. That's exactly, exactly.

It's the same thing. It's, look, no one thinks school shootings are a good thing. No one does. No one does. They're doing jokes about it because we know it's a horrible tragedy. That's why jokes work.

And they don't work because you're mean. They don't work because you're horrible. They work because everyone knows you're joking. If everybody really thought you were a horrible person and you were happy that people got shot, they wouldn't laugh at a goddamn thing you said. Right. It's a fucking weird art form it's a weird art form and for it to be dismantled and disrespected the way

it is where people or what people break down people's bits and and take them out of context like that it's it's so foolish and the fact that people don't stand up for it that are in the art form itself that drives me fucking crazy it drove me angry there's a bunch of people that i won't even talk to anymore i'm like i'm not talking to you anymore like this is what you're gonna do if i do a bit that's half cooked and then you're gonna talk shit about me right like this you're doing this for your own favor you're not doing this for the art form you're not doing you're not anetic person. You're not looking at him as a human being saying, well,

clearly the guy fucked up. He made some mistakes. Oh, that bit was good. But look, if you listen to that set, that's a good set, especially for a guy who's been at a comedy

for almost a fucking year. Yeah, it's gotten a lot stronger. I'm sure. Yeah. He's a hilarious comedian. I mean, he's going to get to a point where he's got a real

motherfucker of an hour and then someone's going to get to a point where he's got a real motherfucker of an hour, and then someone's going to have to figure out whether or not they're willing to take a chance and put it on. Well, it's like you were talking about earlier, too. I mean, he can also just put it on his website or YouTube or whatever. I hope he does that. You know, I mean, it's this idea that he should be punished for eternity. It's like, what are we, Catholics? Like, what's going on here?

Like, what is this? You know, what did he do? I mean, he did something that wound up costing him $35 million, massive public shame, still to this day, more than, it's almost like two years later. What is it, like a year and a half now? Yes, November 2017. Yeah. I mean, what the fuck?

Like, what do you want him to do? You know? I mean, we're not talking about Harvey Weinstein here and this idea that you're, you know, you're not even supposed to compare offenders. You're not supposed to make judgment calls. Well, of course you are. That's why some people go to jail for life and some people go to jail for two years. And this is the reason why we have lesser punishments for lesser crimes. Right, right.

There's a system in place. If you ask people if you can jerk off in front of them, and they say no, and you don't jerk off in front of them, good for you. You got some restraint. If you ask people if you can jerk off in front of them, and they say yes, and you do it, maybe it's a weird thing to do,

but you're not Bill Cosby, okay? To say that you're not supposed to make these comparisons, this is a loaded subject too, right? We're talking about this, and I see you're nervous. Oh, yeah, I'm terrified. But, yeah, no, I love Louis. I love Louis too. He's a great comic.

Yeah, he's a great guy also. But, yeah, I understand people are upset. I get it. I get it. But I think it's disproportionate. I really do. I have a degree, wholeheartedly, but, yeah. How long do you think it's going to be before people just let it go?

Well, I think I think there's actually the group of people that are really upset about it. I think it's probably like a quarter of a million people. That's a lot of people. It's a lot of people. There's like 300 million people in the country. Maybe it's less than a quarter of a million. It's I don't I think it's the minority so you think most people like ah he did something crazy but the other thing is like you want to kind of see the guy who jerked off in front of women

so people want to go see him i mean he's a great comic stuff but i mean the shows i mean i'll read twitter and stuff sometimes i'll go on we'll hang out and i'll just search his name to see like one time we went out to eat in new york and was a kid, you know, like a hipster kid. He looked similar to me actually. But like a young kid and he stopped and just like stared at us and was like, and he started taking photos and then he left. And then I looked up Louie's name on Twitter and I found the kid and he wrote just all

caps, just gave Louie the finger, which he didn't. He didn't And then he wrote you signaling and then he wrote Attention NYU students. This is all caps Louie CK is in the neighborhood make him uncomfortable Exclamation point we were like that's like psychotic You're a but that's what I was talking about earlier that I think he's a target I think they just decided this is what they're gonna do now Yeah, like that guy was saying that he gave you the finger when he didn't. The virtue signaling aspect of it is one of the weirdest parts about social media because

it's people that ordinarily, like in a real world scenario, you have an opportunity to say something if you really feel so compelled, the guy's right in front of you, you don't say shit. And then you get online and tell other people to do it? Right. Other people to make him uncomfortable? Well, for the most part, yeah, we'll go around. And it is, everything is, it's the weird thing about online. Most people are much different in person because you realize it's a human being.

I think the natural thing is like, oh, this is a person. Exactly. And then, you know, we'll go to like these kind of hipstery coffee shops where you think that that kind of person would be. And he goes, hi, how are you? Can I get a coffee? And they go, oh, sure, yeah. Nobody, I mean, people get dirty looks and stuff here and there.

Of course. There's way more online than not online. But the shows are all selling out and there's a few people outside. Has he ever talked to those people outside or does he just get in? No, I don't think so. How does he get in? This is kind of a back door. We just went in the back. And don't think so. How does he get in? This is kind of a back door.

We just went in the back. And, you know, good for them. I think that they're misguided, like you said. Yeah. I think they want him to be this evil person they should be protesting against. But I think if you look at it on paper, what he did was just not good. It's like, you know know the worst that i had heard was that some people's careers had suffered because they were talking about it all right that's someone but i don't know how much of that is accurate i don't i need to find out about that

yeah i don't i don't know either i don't know the whole time i i always feel like i love louie he's one of my best friends now uh which is weird to say, but we're close. But I don't really begrudge the women. I think that two different people can have the same experience and take different things from it, feel different ways. That's true. And I understand sexuality is weird. So like they could in the moment, his perception might be, well, they said yes. And I think he kind of talks about this a little bit on stage. And I don't want to tell his stories to tell

but I think one person can be like I thought they were into it I thought they were saying yes and they were into it and those women can say can feel yeah we kind of said yes but we felt fucked up and pressured two people can have the same experience and have different perspectives so I don't begrudge

any of the women I understand that they are hurt and feel mistreated even if you say yes you're still and you see something you didn't want to see like whoa and then you could never unsee it yes I could see in your head yeah I understand they're affected by it but but that's what you're off in front of you no I keep asking I don't do it no no I asked him to come maybe he has to ask first maybe that's his thing well maybe i initially i blew it maybe you have to like play shy yeah so you know what i would hate if you jerked off in front of me silly drop hints

yeah yeah maybe i will but he's uh but he's a he's a he's a good uh person and um a great dad and i i love him i love the guy yeah everybody wants to erase everything he's ever done. So, like, didn't FX, like, not just cancel it, but they made the show unavailable? Yeah, I think you can get it on iTunes, but yeah, it's done, and then I think he's still on Netflix, though. Yeah, he is.

Yeah, you can still see, but they canceled the new one that he was going to do. Yeah, he was supposed to do a second, and then Pets 2, they dropped it, too. They got rid of him. Yeah. So it was a bummer. But it's weird

when people, I mean, shouldn't we be empathetic to all people? Yes. I think we should. I think we should. And I think, you know, maybe it would serve him if he went out and talked about it extensively. Like had a conversation about it. Like maybe

videotaped it or something i don't know like if people had his take on it other than that little letter that he wrote right after it happened yeah maybe that would help yeah which i thought was a good um apology a good statement i thought yeah some people will never be happy and some people were happy with it and some people just felt like it wasn't enough that you know he didn't specifically say i am sorry you know i feel horrible i'm sorry i did this he basically said he did it and those stories are true and that he fucked up and he thought that they you know he thought that by them saying yes that that was okay but meanwhile he took advantage of the fact they admired him yeah Yeah. And he expressed regret.

People are like, but like you said, people are going to be unhappy no matter what. No matter what. Even if he said, I am sorry. That's not good enough. You're only sorry because you got caught. Like people, they're always going to have, there's some people that are just not empathetic. And this is what I really got very angry about with the leak of the recording. I'm like, yeah, it's not his best material.

Of course it's not. He hasn't done comedy in 10 months. When I was hearing it from other comedians, I'm like, how do you do this? Don't you do the same thing we do? What are you doing? He's a fucking person. He's a human being. He's a year and a half of him being stared at everywhere he goes yeah and fucked with he gets it and losing friends yes i'm sure yeah but he

those friends if he lost some friends he's better off if he lost friends because of that like if that was ari i would call him up like if there was a New York Times article About Ari jerking off in front of people. I'd be like bro. I'm a little hurt. You never jerked off in front of me Wouldn't I would if he's like I fucked up like I've had conversations with Ari about things where you know He's like I fucked up. I shouldn't have done that was a bitch move like he'll tell you yeah, you know like You can't do anything like if once you're my friend like unless you're out there murdering kids or something or doing something really fucked up or actually raping someone yeah any friends that louis lost for that like come on man

what did you think do you think he was a perfect person he's a nut he's a maniac goddamn professional comedian right right you know yeah, we're flawed people Yeah, that's how it all comes out good It's like there's got to be something fucked up about your head where you can come up with these and the Another one that drives me crazy is these guys who you know are freaks and they're out of their fucking mind offstage But on stage they have like sort of a more squeaky clean thing and their public thing is more squeaky clean and they're judgmental about it i'm like oh my god like please stop you're fucking crazy as anybody you just have a good squeaky clean act so shut your hole yeah sometimes i think the people with the cleanest acts are the

wildest animals it's often the case yeah it's often the case. Yeah. It's often the case. Yeah. Which is fine, man. Like, a perfect example is Brian Regan, in a good way. He is so fucking funny and so clean. The funniest, yeah. And you go, this guy's gotta be fucked up. There's gotta be something wrong with him. Yeah. Nothing.

Hang out with him. Super normal. Friendly guy. Nice to everybody. Great guy. The nicest guy. What is in your dungeon, sir? One time we were hanging out and he was smoking a cigar.

And I thought it would be funny to say, hey, can I get a little bit of that cigar? Because that's such a ridiculous. And he was like, oh, sure. And I was like, what? I'm kidding. I wouldn't put my mouth on your cigar. But you would on a joint. All right.

Joints are weird about that. Yeah, which I always thought was strange, too. And a blunt. You do it with a blunt, which is kind of half joint, half cigar. Yeah, maybe actually I'm the asshole in this story. Maybe he's not even that nice. It's just a normal... No, that is a weird thing to ask.

A cigar feels very personal, too, and you're like... It's yours for like an hour. Exactly. Yeah, it's... A joint's just kind of a quick... Well, yeah, a joint's two hits. Like, if you have a whole joint to yourself, you're greedy. Yeah.

There's also this, like, camaraderie thing that comes from smoking joints together. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. All right, let's do it. I'm back. Ready. Yeah. There's also, there's like a camaraderie thing that comes from smoking joints together. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Let's do it. I'm back. Ready? Yeah.

Got some right here. It's all over the place. Oh, wow. This is all filled with weed. See that chest over there? That's a full chest filled with weed. Wow. Isn't that,

couldn't you get in trouble for that? No, it's legal. But with that much, couldn't they get you for intent to distribute or something? No.

It's legal here. Really? You can just have a case? Yeah. Marijuana is legal. But like guns are illegal. But that guy had a thousand. Yeah, but that guy had illegal sales.

He was selling guns. I got you. I see. They got tipped off that he was a dealer. He's probably selling it to gang members and drug dealers and such. Oh, no. Oh, my. Dun, dun, dun.

Do you think about having just a little weed? Just a little touch? Or would you just go start shooting heroin immediately afterwards? No, I don't think I would do that. But I don't think weed does not as much excite me or anything. What does? Drinking? Yeah.

I mean, I love drinking. A couple tequila shots. I mean, I love drinking. A couple tequila shots. I was more of a drink guy. I mean, I drank. I mean, I still joke about it. I love my sobriety, but one and a half Vicodin and three beer was the best I've ever felt in my entire life. Ever in your life? Yeah, and a cigar. One time, I went to Baghdad. I did a USO thing with Nate Bargetzi.

And we bought Cubans, and I had some Vicodin. I took a Vicodin. I don't know if he did. I don't want to. I don't think he did. But I had a Vicodin. We had't know if he did. I don't want to. I don't think he did. But I had like a Vicodin. We had a couple beers and we were at Saddam Hussein's palace. And in the moment I was like this is the best I've ever felt.

Did you do stand up over there? Yeah. What is it like doing stand up for the troops over there? It was fun. It was the most grateful audience. They were like so nice and kind. It was really cool. I mean some of it sucked because some of it was like 2 in the afternoon. And there was like 12 guys. It's fucking 100 degrees.

They're holding rifles being like, what the fuck is this? That was the show? A couple of them, yeah. Some of them were like, the ones in Kuwait were better because that was like not a war zone. And you're on a base and there'd be like 100 people. But some of them were like just in the middle of like 11 o'clock in the morning in the middle of fucking Baghdad. Wow. Uh,

but it was pretty amazing. Like we got to, uh, fly on these Blackhawks and we were in Baghdad. We went by the, those cross swords and stuff where, uh, the statue was pulled down and shit.

What did you do when you were in Saddam Hussein's palace? That became like an American base. We stayed there. Wow. Yeah. It's kind of fucking. You stayed in Saddam Hussein's palace. Yeah. Yeah. It it's kind of fucking... You stayed in Saddam Hussein's palace? Yeah, yeah.

It's pretty crazy. Did you jerk off in Saddam Hussein's palace? I don't think I did. I think Nate and I shared a room. Oh. And I asked and he said no. I would have to. I think I'd feel compelled.

I'd be like, bro, you're going to have to leave the room. I got a goal. I got to check something off the list. It's a bizarre feeling because, you know, we we like it was like um you know we took over and then just made this palace into a base and there's like a driving range you can like hit into like his prayer pond or whatever whatever the fuck it is like reflection pool he's got a prayer pond filled with golf balls yeah that's hilarious and they sell cubans in like the lobby oh america yeah we're some we're pretty cool we are fucking something yeah um but no it was

amazing it was awesome. It was awesome. One time we were on the Blackhawk helicopter, and they shoot flares out for whatever. I can't remember why on every flight, but they didn't tell us that. So all of a sudden, you just hear like, and you feel the heat. And I thought we were in a fucking battle. Like, I almost shit my pants. Like, it felt like, you know when you don't have to shit, and all of a sudden you're like, this is shit.

I could shit right now. Yeah. It was that feeling. Your body tries to evacuate anything in there because it thinks it's in danger Yeah, so like with spiel we want to be able to run. Let's get out When you get really nervous like that, that's it you immediately have to piss and shit Yeah, I just took a huge shit right before this show Did you use the the little buttons on the toilet to shoot water up your asshole? It wasn't here

I was afraid you'd beat me up if I shit so is that the Starbucks, you know who did do that? James Brown when you that's one of the ways he got arrested up your asshole? It wasn't here. I was afraid you'd beat me up if I shit, so it was at the Starbucks. You know who did do that? James Brown. That's one of the ways he got arrested. He shot up someone who used his toilet. Oh, well, I thought you meant

he shit here. And then he got in a shootout with the cops, and I wish. There's a picture of him, his mugshot, right out there. It was from that arrest.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I shit at Starbucks. I was at the Starbucks across the street, by the way. Like a homeless cooties. I was in line and like a dude, a white dude with a skateboard just cut in front of me in the line. It was very bizarre.

And I said, I'm next. And he's like, can I just buy some gum? He was buying Starbucks gum, which is already a red flag. And I was like i guess i mean i was in like he's like i'm i didn't even work in five minutes wow what a dick i didn't know you could do that you can't do that i was like all right i don't have to be anywhere especially if he talked to you like that i was early but yeah he looked at me like i was an asshole yeah he's a dick i was like maybe you shouldn't be buying gum also maybe you might want to find a different

means of transportation than a skateboard. Yeah, you late fuck. Yeah, you fucking late loser. I'm going to be at work in five minutes and I need gum. What do you do? Do you talk close for a living? Yeah, you fucking jerk. If you're listening.

He probably listens. He doesn't know. He didn't know where I was going. He didn't know. He's probably like, I'm so sorry, bro. Yeah. I didn't want to get knocked at work. I didn't want to get in trouble, man.

Yeah, I hate that game. When was the last time you had a job? 2007. What'd you do? I worked at Sears. I did loss prevention. It was amazing. It was one of the best day jobs ever.

Really? Well, my cousin was the boss, which helped. And he let me work from 10 to 6, which was great comedy hours. And then we were plain clothed, I guess. Oh, so you just walked around and busted people stealing. Yeah, it had like a little radio on the belt. And then we had a crazy camera system for 2007. I think we had 82 cameras.

And you could zoom and shit. And you just watch people all day. And then you'd walk around the store and be like, we got to keep an eye on camera 11. So you're like a secret agent. was fun it was really fun and we got to stop shoplifters and shit it was amazing i miss i actually miss it it was really fun wow i used to work for a private investigator and uh similar yeah it was it actually turned out it was uh one of those people where you meet and you go, this guy should be a comedian. He was hilarious.

His name is Dave Dolan. He's dead now. And I keep a voicemail message from him just because he was such, he was such a character. He was just such a fucking character. And he was hilarious. And he got a DUI and they took away his license. And what he really needed was not an assistant. He needed a driver. So I just had a good, have they took away his license. And what he really needed was not an assistant. He needed a driver.

So I just had a good, have a good driver's license. So, but I was working as an assistant and then we became friends and we'd bus people, mostly people that were stealing insurance money. They were like doing things like pretending they were injured and they'd take another job on the side and then we'd catch them. We'd have to get there at like five o'clock in the the morning wait for them to get up and go to work and then Follow them take pictures of him and shit. That's fun. It was fun gig. Yeah, it was fun It was real fun too because he was actually cousins with Bill Downs who was one of the owners of the comedy connection

Bill no money downs. That's it. Yeah Me too many times and That was Dave was his cousin. So it was like just dumb luck. I became friends with this guy from driving him around, and his cousin was one of the guys that owned the Comedy Connection. Wow. Yeah.

I loved working at the series. It was fun. I feel like comedians are actually good at that job because we're hyper aware and we're doing a lot of judging anyway. So you watch an audience come in, you're like,'s gonna hate me this woman's too drunk that guy's fat right and i think it's similar to shoplifting like something's up with this guy well it's also like it sounds like a job that doesn't suck like you can wander around no one's telling you what to do it's not like you're stuck at a fucking desk going over stupid numbers or something you

don't give a fuck about yeah and it's low maintenance physically i know guys in new york that are like movers for their day job and i'm like you can't give a fuck about. Yeah, and it's low maintenance physically. I know guys in New York that are like movers for their day job, and I'm like, you can't have a fucking manual labor job. You get up at 6 and you're carrying couches? You're not going to hit an open mic at 8pm. You're going to be exhausted. But I loved it, and having your cousin as the boss is great. I streaked through a Sears at my last day.

You took your clothes off? Yeah, we decided, well, I didn't want to I couldn't go naked because it's like a sex crime, so I covered my face with a brown paper bag and bought like a candy thong necklace. It's not a necklace, it's a candy thong at Spencer's Gifts and I wore that.

I got videos. My buddy just sent it to me. I hadn't seen it in like 12 years. It's a sex crime if you take your clothes off? Yeah, if you run through naked. Yeah, hilarious. It's a sex crime. So I was like, I better... But to have no clothes on, which is how you are naturally, if you run through naked. Yeah. Hilarious. That's a sex crime. So I was like, I better... But to have no clothes on, which is how you are naturally, how you're born. You are a walking sex crime. I get it.

You can't have people running around naked in a store. But wait a minute. Wait a minute. But why not? What is the problem? Well, we're living in a society, Joe. Okay. If a woman walked through a store naked, do you think she should go to jail?

I don't think she should. I would assume she has mental problems. I think she should go to... Or she just likes to be naked. If a gal goes through a place, like maybe you're at Target, and some gal decides to take off her clothes and walk as far as she can through Target before they arrest her, are you in support of her being arrested and taken to a jail and hit with a sex crime? No, I'm not in support of that.

There's a lot of rules and laws that I'm not in support of that happen. But it seems like it's okay if a guy gets arrested doing that. Well, it depends on what he's doing, I suppose. That's how I feel. If a guy's running around naked and his dick's flopping around inside Target, that guy's

a criminal. Is he hard or not? It's a good question. It's a inside Target. Yeah. That guy's a criminal. I don't need to see. Is he hard or not? Is he hard or not? It's a good question. It's a very good question. He's a hard-earned criminal. Yeah, if he's hard, he goes straight to jail.

Well, that's like a. Right to the electric chair. That's a particularly. Sexual. Cooked up. But just his cock. Yeah, yeah. It's an electric condom.

What if he's got all his clothes on except for his cock and balls, and he's just riding out? You know, he's got a, just coming out of the. Isn't that a rule in San Francisco? Like, you can walk around naked. You just can't have a heart on. Is that true? Really? That's what, I just heard Brian Callen say that.

Why don't you Google that? Google that. We need to find out if this is true. In New York, I know in the park, you can be naked. I think naked. Really? You can walk around topless. Topless.

I've seen a couple women. Women are allowed to go topless because men used to be able to go topless. Well, men could go topless forever. But there was a rule that said that women couldn't. And women are like, well, this is bullshit. And they're right. And I think a lot of them didn't even want to be topless. Right.

But they were like, well, this is fucked up. People telling us that our nip. Like Sarah Silverman. Sarah Silverman just posted on Instagram a photo of her mirror, like her bathroom mirror. And you can see her tits in the mirror. She did it on purpose to make a point. First of all, she did it because she has great tits. She wanted everybody to see her great tits.

That's fair. They're pretty fantastic. I missed it. I'm bummed. But also, why is it okay if you can see my tits? Why is it okay to see my nipples, but you can't see her nipples? What are we, babies? I agree.

Free the nipple. I'm for it. Instagram is really hardcore on that, but Twitter? You could do porn. Yeah. They'll have porn on fucking Twitter. There's porn all over. I follow porn stars. Watch them fuck. Maybe I'll do some porn. You think so? Yeah, why not? I got a dick. You do have a dick. Yeah.

That's what I hear. Yeah, it's nice. Do you think that you should be arrested if you just walk around naked? If I was making the rule, I don't know. It's hard because it's... It's all in what you do with it. If you go rubbing it on people, yeah. Yeah, certainly. If you just walk around naked and kids point at you and laugh and you go, huh?

That's the thing. It depends. I mean, there should be adult areas where you can walk around naked, I think. Just walk around naked. And kids point at you and laugh, and you go, huh? That's the thing. I mean, there should be adult areas where you can walk around naked, I think. Like a nude beach. Yes, they have those. They have those. Yeah. But arrested, I don't know. I would just assume someone is a little off mentally if they're walking around naked.

Because there are societary norms. Is that a word? Societary? No, I don't think so. It sounds like a guy Sounds like a horse that wins the Kentucky Derby It says that they changed the public nudity law In San Francisco in like

2013 I think but we were there when you shot Your special and 100% I was at the top of Lombard Street And there was a large gathering of naked people so oh I don't know what the fuck that was about Nonsense so there was they didn't get it stopped. There's cops right there They didn't stop him from doing anything at pictures of it, so I don't know what that was about

What I'm gonna do I gotta wrap this up Joe last year funny motherfucker. Thanks for having me Appreciate it. It's very funny. I hope was okay. You're great and people could see your Netflix special It's available and Comedy Central they have it online too, were great. And people can see your Netflix special. It's available. And Comedy Central, they have it online too, right? Yeah, it's online. The Netflix thing is the stand-up. Season two of the stand-ups. It's a half hour.

And I got a couple albums online and stuff. Joe List would be with me tonight at the Improv. It's sold out. Two shows with Burt Kreischer and Andrew motherfucking Santino. That's it, folks. Bye, everybody. Thanks. Say bye, Joe List. Thanks. Joe List Comedy. That's it, folks. Bye, everybody. Thanks. Say bye, Joe List.

Thanks. Joe List Comedy, what's your Instagram and Twitter? Joe List Comedy, Instagram and Twitter. All right. Bye.