The Joe Rogan Experience - #1307 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: May 31, 2019

Greg Fitzsimmons is a writer and stand-up comedian. He also hosts a podcast with Alison Rosen called “Childish" available on Spotify.

haunting yeah yeah boom and we're live what are you doing greg i'm looking up the title of a book i want to talk about which book it's an audio book and it was about reconstruction oh we were just talking about with slaves yeah and it was about how you know once the uh um once the slaves were freed they still perpetuated slavery by um it's called uh and i gotta find it by slavery by another name by douglas douglas blackman and it's about how they would they had they put loitering laws in all around the country and they would find black people and if they were standing around they would arrest them or if there was like a petty larceny or a domestic violence thing, they'd arrest them for fucking two years with a trial with one judge and no jury. And the judge was very often a magistrate of the coal mining company.

they'd send the the the prisoner to a coal mine for two years where he'd work seven days a week with shackles on and they would fucking whip them and if they tried to escape they tracked them down with dogs and they beat them sometimes to death and this went on for fucking decades jesus christ so people talk about, well, slavery ended back. No, forms of slavery went on for a long time. Not only that, slavery ended. And what effort was done to sort of rectify the situation? What effort was done to try to give even opportunities for people who grew up in African-American cities that were predominantly slaves before 1865.

Yeah. Like, what's ever been done? 40 acres and a mule, do they ever get that? Is that real? I don't know. It was a – But even if you're dealing with that, even if some people got 40 acres and a mule, like, what, is that enough?

No. Like, the whole thing is crazy like if you have an entire country that the ancestors that did most of the work did it against their will and then you're just like yeah yeah yeah well you don't have to do that anymore and then people are like we want reparations and white people are like, that was 100 years ago. Do you know at Georgetown, do you read about this Georgetown University is giving reparations to the slaves that built the university? So the families of the slaves, the ancestors, the families. They tracked them down with like 23andMe or one of those companies.

And they're fucking knocking on doors and they're like, hey, are you blah, blah, blah? Well, your great-great-grandfather built Georgetown University and they're assessing the students. I don't think it's official yet, but it looks like it's happening. My concern. They're assessing the students

like 50 bucks each or something. My big concern is that it's going to go the other way. They're going to track down people's DNA and going to go, we found out're going to track down people's dna and we found out that your family profited from slavery like oh yeah i'm 22 yeah right what the fuck did i do yeah give me all your money all of your money all your ill-gotten gains yeah and you'd be like but no no no no my dad had a legitimate job he worked for H&R Block and this and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But his grandfather got his money to raise his dad because he had slaves. Yeah.

Well, wasn't Schwarzenegger's grandfather an SS soldier? We don't talk about that. He was. Was he? Yeah. His grandfather was? I think he was a green shirt. Whoa.

Was he? Yeah. His grandfather was? I think he was a green shirt. Whoa. You know, there's a kid named John Gotti III. It's John Gotti, the gangster's grandson. Yeah. And he's an MMA fighter.

Oh, no shit. And he's good. No shit. He's good, yeah. Wow. So far, he's fighting on these small promotions, but he's fucking people up. Wow. And he's jacked.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I remember John, because I lived on Mulberry Street in Little Italy. Yeah, I remember that place. And it was a fucking tenement apartment, and downstairs, literally downstairs and one door over, was the Ravenite Social Club,

which was where Gotti met on Wednesday nights. Yeah. All the bosses would pull up, and the capos, and I don't know the terms, but they lined up fucking limos right up Mulberry Street. Oh, yeah. They'd walk up and down the street smoking cigars, and John Gotti Jr. was kind of in charge at that time, which I guess would be this guy's father.

Yes, yes. And he apparently wasn't known as being that sharp. Oh, how dare you? Well, the family kind of fell apart since then. I don't think there's a... I think the FBI just had unlimited resources, government backing, and they slowly picked the fucking organization apart

and then got people to rat on each other. They bugged the Ravenite Social Club. They got inside and they bugged it, and then when they found out it was bugged, the wise guys would walk up and down mulberry street and talk about their business so they bugged the cars on the route they bugged the hubcaps of the cars on the route you heard about that yeah yeah well that was always the thing about that guy the chin what's his name uh the chin gigianti how the fuck do you say his name vincent the chin. He was crazy, but he wasn't crazy, but he would act crazy.

So he'd walk around in a bathrobe. Oh, in a bathrobe, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he was up on trial. He was out on bail. He was out of his fucking mind. Yeah, that's right. He just wandered through the streets with a bathrobe on, playing crazy.

That's him. I'm crazy. I'm just walking around. I'm crazy. Dude. That would be fun. So they bugged him, too. That would be fun to pretend you're crazy.

I think he was actually the guy that they got with the hubcaps. Oh, yeah? Or maybe they used that tactic more than once. Yeah. Because these guys, you know, they had a fucking neighborhood where they would go to. And when they were in that neighborhood, that was their territory. Right. Like, when you were living there, was that going on?

Like, Gotti was out of jail? No, Gotti was in jail when I was there. He was in jail when you... Yeah. But they still they still should have most of the guys I think

I think their real headquarters is more in Brooklyn but they still came back to Mulberry Street and it is literally across the street was St. Patrick's School which is where

Robert De Niro and Scorsese went to school as kids and where you remember the film Mean Streets yeah

that was shot remember they jump over the wall into the cemetery that's that's uh st patrick's school and it's across from the ravenite social club fuck i don't remember anything about that movie i remember the movie but i don't remember anything about what happened i need to see that one again yeah i need to see that one again you know what i saw again recently bullet oh so did i queen i think i did yeah they show it on a plane? I think I did see it on a plane. Yeah, they show it on a plane now. Yeah.

On United or something. What a, that fucking, that's my car. I saw that movie when I was young and I said, I want that fucking 69 fastback Mustang. Oh, yeah. That's a badass car. It's a beautiful car. Yeah. I think it's a 68.

Is it 68? 67 or 68. Yeah. I think it's a 68. It has a very specific shape that the 68 had. They had like the best rear end. Yeah. I think it's a 68. It was a very specific shape that the 68 had. They had like the best rear end. Uh-huh. It's beautiful.

They had really a cool setup with the rear taillights at 68. It was a little broader? It's just it was weird looking. Yeah. Just real unusual compared to some of the other Mustangs, but I love it. Yeah. It's my favorite, I think. And you watch those movies like that and you realize you think it's going to be, there's one big car chase. That's it. Yeah. And it's like it's my favorite I think and you watch those movies like that and you realize

you think it's gonna be there's one big car chase that's it yeah and it's long it's long and it's slow yeah

but movies were different they were different they weren't afraid to do a tracking shot for two minutes with no dialogue just fucking follow a guy

walking down the street yeah we just assume people are stupid as fuck. And because of comments and because stupid people want to comment so often, the signal's all skewed towards stupid. You know, like a movie like, did you ever see Le Mans with Steve McQueen? No. A great Steve McQueen movie?

There's no talking at all for like the first X amount of minutes of the movie. There's no talking. It's just cars racing. Right. And him driving around and shit. Yeah. There's no talking. Yeah. And if you were

at a movie theater today and there was no talking, people were like, is this broken? I know. Did you forget the fucking part where the guy talks? Dude, fucking talk! There it is. Look, there he is. Say something! The original 68 Mustang, and that's also a 68 Charger that he's in a race with. The original 68

Mustang, I think, just went for sale. I think somebody just bought it look at that you mean the one from this movie yeah yeah that hero cars yeah wrecked a few of these fuckers fuck yeah if they're doing like how many cars did they reckon gone with gone in 60 seconds that Nicolas Cage movie we drove that Eleanor Mustang yeah well do you know I've got a bunch of those how many fucking orange challenges do you think they needed to get for Dukes of Hazzard? Oh, my God.

I mean, they wrecked one in every episode. That, to me, is one of the more interesting episodes in our culture, that that show, which was a beloved part of our past, is now taboo. You'll never find it anywhere because of the Confederate flag on the roof.

And when we were kids, Oh, yeah, that's a deal breaker. It's fucking KKK. It's racism. It's white sheets And when we were kids, that Confederate... It's fucking KKK. It's racism. It's white sheets. When we were kids, it meant the South. It didn't mean the same thing. There's a fucking poster that I have over the pisser from a Leonard

Skinner concert from sometime during the 70s. They have a giant Confederate flag behind them on stage. But it didn't mean they were racist. It meant they were from the South. But somewhere along the line, it shifted. This is where the argument gets weird, right?

Because people will say, hey, it's not about that. It's about Southern pride. I understand it used to be about Southern pride. But now, unfortunately, that flag is now connected to racism. So you're sending out a bad signal. So what you want that flag to mean for you, that flag is now connected to racism. So you're sending out a bad signal. So what you want that flag to mean for you, that's great. But what that flag means for other people has now changed. And you either accept that or you're fighting against it.

Oh, you can't get me to fuck a chick. This means this to the... People don't have time to rationally consider whether or not you're racist or whether or not you're from the South. What are you? Why do you have that flag? They don't have time to consider that. They just go, oh, you must be in the KKK. Oh, you must hate black people.

Oh, bang, there it is, racist. You got that flag. So something shifted, like really radically. And deduce a hazard is like a great metric of it. It's one of the great things in our culture we could use to measure look what happened you had a hit show that literally sparked a type of clothing

the Daisy Dukes for gay men and for girls that are really sad like we see a girl with Daisy Dukes you're like sweetie you don't need that you're hot without it you're trying so hard with those Daisy Dukes I you're like, sweetie, you don't need that. You're hot without it. Oh, are you kidding me? You're trying so hard with those Daisy Dukes.

I just went to a food truck before I got here, and there was an Asian girl. And like my favorite kind of Asian girl. She was a belief Filipino. Big lips. Tan, dark tan with Daisy Dukes. Open-toed sandals, beautiful feet, nice pedicure. Were you freaking out? It was just me and her,

so I couldn't stare. And it was so painful. You ever like, you're fighting your neck, like, don't fucking turn. Keep your head straight. Here's what's interesting, and this is the dynamic that's the difference between men and women. If we were describing this exact same thing,

but you were a girl, and you were describing a guy. It would be innocent. Yeah. It would be nothing. It wouldn't be creepy. It'd be like, that girl's so horny. Oh, my God.

Like if she was like, I was in line and behind me was Jason Momoa. You know, Aquaman. Oh, my God. And if you think he looks good in movies, he looks so good in real life, sweetie. I couldn't stop. I was looking right at his dick i looked at his dick and i looked his face i looked his dick and he started smiling when i started nodding and no one would care no and you say that girl's liberated she's free she's crazy that goes wild like she could maybe grab it on the way out tap tap give a little tap tap tap

no one's gonna call the cops right? But that's the difference. I think this is something that, as men, this is a shaky one. Because there are definitely some fake male feminists out there that are just doing it because they want women to love them. And they say a bunch of shit that really screws the curve up. that really screws the curve up. But if you're being honest and you're being rational, you have to realize that the way a woman perceives being hit on is going to be way different than the way a guy does because the girl's in danger.

She's in potential danger, like legitimately. Like if you were some fucking serial killer psychopath and you decided to follow her back to her house, that's on the menu. That's on the menu. How rare is it that you meet a girl somewhere and she wants to come back to your house and kill you? Yeah.

It's pretty fucking rare. You got Eileen Wuornos, that monster from the Charlize Theron movie. Oh, yeah. That girl did that. The prostitute. Yeah, she would pick guys up and they would think they were going to go get laid and she'd kill them. Right.

And they were also, it wasn't, you know, people can demonize the John because he's picking up a hardcore hooker. Right, because he wants some sex. They see it's not victimless. Yeah, but, you know, he can demonize the John because he's picking up a hardcore hooker. Because he wants some sex. They see it's not victimless. Yeah, but, you know, he just wants sex. He doesn't want to get murdered. But she was tortured and, you know, abused so horribly in her life that men became the enemy. Yeah.

There's a big lesson in that, man. I've known guys and watched them as they got older and, like relationship after failed relationship where they started developing this like resentment towards women. You know, this is like a deep seated like fuck them. All they want is this and all they want to because what they're getting from the women all the time is negative. They're getting a rejection because they're trying to get laid. They want the women to touch them. And the women are like not really in a touch. And you're like, fuck these whores.

And they eventually develop this thing where they just hate isn't there a name for those guys misogynists no there's like an online cell yeah yeah right incels are guys who i think mostly they're talking about like like a lot of those guys are like genetically unfortunate you know fucked up bone structure and small but and that's why there's an argument for legalized prostitution because there are men that just because of deformities or whatever reason or maybe they're maybe they're even uh neurotic where they can't hit on a woman and so there should be a place where a woman can knowingly and confidently and safely be a prostitute. Yes.

Yes, it should be your option. The problem is we equate prostitution with two things that are horrible, sexual abuse and sex slavery, sex trafficking. We equate prostitution with those things. That's why, like, when Robert Kraft got busted, one of the first things they said is, this guy's a billionaire and he was participating in sex trafficking. That's they accused him of but then they had to drop that i don't know if you know that now so there was no sex trafficking there there was prostitutes there was women who

wanted to have sex for money and so they weren't they didn't come over in a seal tanker and slept in the no no they were prostitutes yeah you. You know, and it's their choice. And they, you don't hear much about that. The sex trafficking was like a big thing, I think, to get him to plead guilty. And they put it out there and they said, you know, they were shaming him and making it this big deal. This guy had paid to get his dick touched, you know, and here he is. What is he, like 78 years old, 80 years old or something like that? This old guy just wanted to get his dick touched.

He paid. It was a deal's a deal. She probably did it 13 times that day before him. You know what I mean? That's what they were doing in that place. They were jerking guys off. But people kept coming back. Why'd they keep coming back? Because they hated it?

Why'd they keep coming back? Because it was a ripoff? Why'd they keep coming back? No, because as adults, they wanted to get their dick touched. And this woman was willing to do that. And she, yeah, isn't that a bad job? It's a fucking terrible job. So is Wendy's.

So is being a dishwasher. Those are terrible jobs, too. Do you want to be the guy who puts the coal, the fucking tar on the streets on the hot day? Do you want to be that guy? Yeah. The fuck out of here. That job sucks.

Do you want to be a guy who works in a gas station where you're constantly stiff and fumes fuck that that job sucks a lot of jobs suck but it's your choice it's your choice as a human being to take that job or not take that job i feel the same way about prostitution i feel about massage it's like if you can pay someone to touch your feet and rub your feet you could pay a dude to just be rubbing your feet why can't you pay someone to touch you why can't you pay someone to touch your genitals and like you said get rid of the stigma by legalizing it and making sure those girls right i've been to the bunny ranch i got a tour i went you know my wife gave me permission calling it a tour took a tour hey i had a map I had a fucking Hawaiian shirt on

no I had the t-shirt with the tour dates on it he died recently Dennis Hoff died he came to a show I was doing in Lake Tahoe no Reno and he goes hey do you want to come take a tour and like because of the Stern connection I kind of knew him he's like do you want to come take a tour of the ranch

and I go let me call my wife and I called her and I go i just want to see it i'm just gonna smell it and she goes well if you bring kathleen roll who is the feature act with you then you can go so they send a limo and we go off and we walk in and it was like one room had like a fucking trapeze in it and the other one had a hot tub they all had different like themes to them and it was like it wasn't as skanky as i thought but it was pretty down and dirty it was like trailers but they were clean and while i was there a doctor showed up and they gave them all fucking they checked their snatches for whatever what they had a little

kitchenette they had somebody cooking little snacks for them they offered me some i said i'm gonna pass and then at the end he pulls me aside and he goes by the way Greg take any of the girls it's on the house and I go well Dennis I've never been with a prostitute before and it wasn't

because of the hundred bucks I wasn't waiting for a freebie but the girls were they were happy they keep 50% of the money they can't use drugs on the premises they can refuse a customer

and they come and go when they want I think people should be able to do whatever they want that doesn't hurt people and I think that that falls into that category and I think it does

provide a service for really frustrated men that can't get sex any other way. And I think it's stigmatized. I think it's stigmatized in a very weird way. It's not a good job. I don't want to do it. I don't want my children to do it. I don't want your children to do it.

I don't want my kids to work as a dishwasher either. I don't want my kids to be a coal miner. Those things are real jobs. I don't want my kids to be a coal miner. Those things are real jobs. I think that if we had different attitudes about sex, we wouldn't look at it as harshly. We would look at it as horribly as we look at it. We look at it different because we think that intimacy is connected to romance and romance is connected to this emotional connection you have with this person that you're sharing pleasure with. That is wonderful.

But physical release is also very important for men it's like it's very important to and it's very important for everyone to be touched and some people people don't want to touch them they're just not doing so good yeah it's just they're not in a good spot they don't they're not physically attractive whatever it is whatever the whatever for some people and they have a desire and a need to be touched and it fucking wrecks them to the soul when they're not touched all the time they constantly walk around filled with resentment filled with bitterness we just quietly enraged inside at the hand that life has given them and for those people if you had legalized prostitution if it was like someone who like you you could conceivably have friendships

with these people that you're having sex with if you wanted to do that like i knew a girl who when she was younger she was a sex worker and she's uh i don't want to even reveal her it'd be too obvious if i reveal what she does but she did it for a while when she was like young and she fucked some older guys that were in their 60s and shit. They had money, but they didn't have the time to date, and maybe they had a wife, and they wanted to have sex with somebody on the side, and she would take money from them. She liked it.

She was like, it's a great way to make money. It was a lot more money. It's not that big a deal. She was like, I knew who I was doing it with, and I was like, wow. She's smart. I mean, I don't think everybody has that attitude, and I would never want anybody to do that that doesn't have that attitude. But if you're one of those girls that's like hustling, maybe you don't have a family that backs you up. No, there's girls that like, you know, there is legitimately like there's I got a friend who's really wealthy.

And his friends have some of them have like a girl in New York and they pay for her apartment. And she's going to college and he goes to New York seven, eight times a year. And when he does, she frees her calendar and goes out to dinner with him, goes to wherever.

He sleeps there. They have sex and it's a comfortable working relationship. So I don't know. Where's the problem with that? Who's the victim? Right. Yeah.

He's a sugar daddy. Yeah. Yeah. I don a sugar daddy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I think we have crazy attitudes for finite beings. We have this crazy attitude like we're leaving this permanent like ledger of all the moral and immoral things we've done, especially when it comes to sex. It's like, it's just sex, you fucks. Yeah.

It's great. Everybody wants it. But everybody doesn't it's just sex, you fucks. It's great. Everybody wants it. But everybody doesn't get it. And sometimes people get rejected. And so it carries all this weight. And so it's just like, and then you're not supposed to do it because God doesn't want you to,

or you could get pregnant. Jesus Christ, are you pro-life or are you pro-abortion? Are you pro-woman's life to choose? You didn't even, you shouldn't even have a say. You have a fucking penis. And like, whoa, this is so charged. It's so charged And meanwhile

Biologically Your brain is going No no no We gotta fuck Okay I got loads building up And I gotta get rid of these things You know

Like I used to have a bit Called jerk off first Then think about it It was like my advice For everything Cause there's so many moments in life When you jerk off first And then you go

What? What was I gonna do? I am not calling her I'm definitely not responding To that crazy fucking letter She sent me In the mail Yeah you jerk off first and then you go, what, what was I going to do? I am not calling her. I'm definitely not responding to that crazy fucking letter. She sent me in the mail. Yeah. You know,

when you get a letter from somebody like, Oh no, it's like sobering up. Yeah. Jerk off first, jerk off first and know your real intentions. If you jerk off first and you still want to call someone, you really care about them.

You love them. That's right. It's not just lust. Yeah. That's it. That's empty bag thinking. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I was never good at that like uh i i reset the clock one nowadays i pop give me 24 hours leave me alone 24 i need 24 hours yeah well that's what i think i need some of those pills you need testosterone yeah you need some Yeah. You need some TRT. Is that legal?

Oh, 100%. Yeah. I think I need some of that. I need some energy, too. You definitely need some of that. Yeah. Dude, I've been on that shit for 10 years. No shit. Yeah.

Yeah. They make it a bunch of different ways now, too. They were making a spray for a while. It was like under the tongue. You could put drops in. And then I don't know if they're doing that anymore but they have a cream the cream is good but if you hug people it gets on them it's weird wait where do you rub it on you rub it on your chest or your arms so if you have sex

with your wife your wife start my grown up mustache would be fucking very strange that would be like a really creepy way if you were like really into dudes but you were married to a woman yeah how do i how do i bridge this gap yeah just right like i'm on trt and you would rub it all over your chest and immediately get on her and she'd be like the fuck are you doing give her protein shakes make her go to the gym a lot yeah yeah hey honey you look good with short hair put her under stress to make her work more. There's something that happens with women. Apparently, there was a study on career women, and they don't know if it's a correlation or causation thing. Because maybe the reason why they were career women in the first place is because they had a lot of testosterone. But they would notice that women have to fend for themselves.

Women have to take care of themselves. They generally have more testosterone. Interesting. Which makes sense. But you never know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Is that who they are or are they developing more testosterone because they have to be out there competing? Yeah. You know?

Yeah. I remember I was – I used Rogaine for a while. I was actually – I got approached by my agent and he goes, you got an offer to do a commercial, a series of commercials. I said, for what? And he goes, Rogaine. I go, but I don't, my hair's not thinning. And he's like, yeah. So it's five commercials.

I was in denial about it. I was like 29, and I guess I was starting to crown a little bit, but I didn't notice. And so he goes, do you want to do it? And I was like, I don't know. I'm about to move out to LA. I want to maybe do some acting. I don't want to be seen maybe on TV as the Rogaine guy.

And he's like, I talked to them and they said, it's going to be on like ESPN4 at two in the morning. Don't worry about it. And I go, all right, fuck it. I'm moving to LA. I got no money. I'll do it. I'll get health insurance out of it. I'm about to get married so i i record the commercials and the

tagline is it's me in a pharmacy and i'm looking at a bottle and it's minoxidil five they just jacked it up from three to five and i go uh four out of five the voiceover goes four out of five doctors say this will work and then i go i look at the camera and i go four out of five i like my chances oh jesus so i go you are there you are so i oh so i do it i do it and then uh there is there's that guy i like the nod you're like yeah this is this is legit. So all of a sudden, it starts running. It runs during the fucking playoffs. March Madness. Every guy I've ever met was calling me and going, I like my, I'm walking down the street, I like my chances.

It was everywhere. Yeah. And so they gave me a fucking supply for years. And I was using it. And my wife wouldn't let me cuddle with her because you put it on your head before you go to bed. You cuddle up next to her and she'll get fucking hair on her neck. And it made you all greasy. My pillows were all greasy.

And all it really grew was like a fuzz. Yeah. Did you ever try that shit? Yeah, I tried that shit yeah i tried that shit i tried everything yeah yeah i wish i'd shaved my head way earlier it's so easy i think i'm gonna do it tomorrow for the first time in my life once i shaved my head i was like why am i fucking around with all this hair yeah if i had a full head of hair i'd shave my fucking head i'd shave my head like every two weeks i just let it grow to stubble and then shave it down again

let it grow to stubble it's like it down again. Let it grow to stubble. It's so much easier. How often do you shave it? Every couple days. You take a razor and shaving cream? Oh, you just use a buzzer? Yeah, easy. I have one that's made for shaving your head. It's got a handle on it. It's like an electric razor.

It goes... So you don't miss any spots. How long does it take? A couple minutes. It's easy. Feel good? Yeah, it's great. I don't have to think about it. That's what I like. I don't miss any spots. How long does it take? A couple minutes. It's easy. Feel good? Yeah, it's great. I don't have to think about it. That's what I like. I don't think about this.

I used to worry about my hair when my hair was falling out. When something's out of your control. For people who have a full head of hair, they really don't understand this. When you start losing your hair, young Jamie, son of a bitch, when you start losing your hair, you just go, oh, my God. There's nothing I can do about this. This is terrible. There's nothing I can do about this. This is terrible. There's nothing you can do.

And then you look at these fucking guys, like some guys that are gross-looking bald dudes, and you're like, oh, my God. They used to be a kid. They used to be just like me. And then one day it all fucking fell out. And they were this gross dude with the horseshoe around the bottom of the head. Like, what the fuck? That's what I'm going to be?

And once you shave your head, like for me, I got lucky I have a good shape. I have a good shape to my head, which is something that I watched. I went down a rabbit hole the other day, and I went down a plastic surgery facial reconfiguration rabbit hole because of incels connected to this conversation we're having earlier about guys can't get laid these guys were going to this one doctor there's a particular doctor i think he's in indianapolis and he does uh facial reconfiguration like he widens your jaw he puts implants on your cheeks and jaw he puts implants on your fucking head so like maybe you have a weird shaped head maybe your head is shaped like a turtle or something you have a weird

crest in the top of your head this guy puts implants under your skin to give you a nice round head and they had like before and after and this guy was like i always hated my head and now now my head's amazing and i'm looking at this and i'm going oh my god like i didn't even think of that well how's it look it looked way better yeah but it's what it is is like genetics are responding to symmetry when you see when you see poor genetics you see something weird like weird symmetry why is his why is his face so narrow why does his chin go down so low what's weird about him why is it why his shoulder so narrow why are his arms so narrow? Why does his chin go down so low? What's weird about him? Why is his shoulder so narrow? Why are his arms so long?

When you see asymmetrical or weird-looking people that don't seem to, like it doesn't fit into your idea of what the accepted breeding genetics of human beings are. Right. The Da Vinci Code. Yeah. Is that what it is? Is that what the Da Vinci Code is? Yeah, it's based on there's a certain shape of the face that defines beauty. The Fibonacci Code? Is that what you're thinking of? No, I think it's the Da Vinci Code is? Yeah, it's based on there's a certain shape of the face that defines beauty. The Fibonacci Code?

Is that what you're thinking of? No, I think it's the Da Vinci Code. I thought that was the religious thing for that movie. Yeah, but within it, don't they talk about the symmetry of the face? I think that's the golden ratio. Yeah, that's the Fibonacci. Oh, okay. That's the Fibonacci Code.

But yeah, this is the guy. This is this guy. Wow. Oh, this is an article from The Cut. Thecut.com. Yeah, this is this guy wow so they uh oh this is an article from cut uh the cut yeah the cut.com yeah that's this is exactly where i started so i started on this and um i think it was on dig or something like that and then i went from that to all of the uh different people that have these things done and that's something if you think about it man if you just get a bum deal you just get a bad roll of the dice you will live your life with people that

don't they don't want to have sex with you and this goes back to like the prostitution thing like what do people want from those people do they want the world to be a different place than it really is because are we operating as if this world is exactly how it is right now or are we pretending that the world is how we'd like it to be one day in a utopian society because if we're doing that i get you how you're behaving but if you're looking at the world around you the way it is and you don't think these guys should be able to get prostitutes you're you're an asshole i think that kind of boils down what libertarianism is. It's whether or not we are in a evolving utopian mindset or whether or not we're going to just say

let people be who they are and just accept how things are. There's a little bit of that. I think I'm on both sides of that fence sometimes. There's definitely people that you just want to leave them alone. They're not going to figure it out. Fuck them. But then there's also people like we've all met people that you just want to leave them alone. They're not going to figure it out. Fuck them.

But then there's also people like we've all met people that have been in a bad place in their life and turned it around. I don't like giving up on people. I just don't. It's not human. It's not a human thing to just give up on people. Right. So I'm on both sides of that. part of me wants to go like figure it out and then part of me wants to go like we got to help people figure it out yeah and we have to

try to engineer our society like this is a problem it's like what we were talking about before about reparations for slavery or these uh these communities that have always been black and poor since the slave times. Like, just leave that alone and let that sort itself out. That is never going to sort itself out. That's like a place in your garage that's fucked up and filled with trash that you think is going to figure itself out on its own. Like, you've got to do something. The garbage that you're leaving behind, that's not going to make its way to the trash.

You're going to have to sort it out. You're going to have to figure out how to do it. You have to get it out there. If you have an impoverished, crime-riddled community filled with drugs and gangs, it's not going to get better. You have to do something. Someone has to do something. You can't just pretend. You can't just go further and further away from it.

If we're going to act as a country, and that's what we're supposed to be, we're supposed to be a big-ass team, we're supposed to be looking at the spots on the team that are fucked up. Yeah, you talk about that. Houston is kind of famous for this. Literally, the garbage dumps were all put in the black neighborhoods. They just started dumping all the garbage in the poor areas with the bad schools totally segregated it's the same areas that were they were slave shacks way back when and now it's the same fucking generations later living in garbage all right so what if you do a dna test you find out your great-grandfather was the guy who put the fucking garbage dump

in the black neighborhood and that's why you have a Cadillac. Dude, my wallet's on the table at that point. Take it all. I'm so sorry. But you didn't do anything. You're 23. I recycle now. Thank you.

Put stuff in the green bins, the blue bins. You're going to save those fish. Compost bins. Those whales out there just eating plastic. Yeah. We got to genetic engineer the whales to actually be able to digest plastic. Yeah, figure it out, you folks. Then we're good.

It's free food. Yeah. Come on. Yeah, man, we had a guy, Boyan Slat, on the podcast. He's this really young genius who is in the middle of devising and implementing a way to gather up the plastic. He's got like this big machine that operates. Oh, I saw it.

It's got a big arm on it? Yeah, and it's got a net. It's got capturing. I'm really breaking it down. I'm paraphrasing in a shitty way, but his machine is just going to scoop plastic up, and they think they could actually reuse that plastic and make things out of it. Yeah, I saw that. I think they ran into some technical plastic and make things out of it yeah i saw that

i think they i think they ran into some technical problems with it when they just used it yeah i think when they tried it out right away it didn't work that good yeah but he kind of figured that he was like well there's going to be a bunch of improvements it's like everything else right every i mean go buy an early tesla they were they were terrible. Dude, it may be over. Tesla may not last. Really? Yeah, they're saying that. Well, the problem is they call it entrepreneurial shiny object syndrome.

That's what Elon Musk has. It's like he can't stop. He has to keep, you know, there was SpaceX, which is fucking phenomenal. Right. What that program has done. They are delivering uh stuff to space for a tenth of the price of nasa they have cut costs ridiculously nasa was so fucking bloated

and and which was great but now it's like he wants to put a fucking tunnel under la and he wants these charging stations all around the country that are going to be solar powered, that are going to be expensive. He's just overextended himself. And now Wall Street used to love him and now they're not buying it anymore and it could be the end of the company. How would it be the end of the company? How does that work? Well, they need to be producing like a million cars a year

to be cost effective for their assembly lines, what it costs for their assembly lines. And they're putting out a few hundred thousand a year to be cost effective for their assembly lines. Really? What it costs for their assembly lines. And they're putting out a few hundred thousand a year. Oh, wow. And they need to up production to that point and they don't think they can do it. I shouldn't say that. I'm going to fucking tank the stock.

Yeah, it's... How many different places can you charge at now? I always charge here or I charge at home. Yeah. But how many places is it real easy to charge? Can you find a lot of spots? I have no idea. But I know he's trying to make it really universal.

It's great if you're driving it just to work. Like I do. I drive it to the store or drive it here. It's great. Yeah. It's the best car I've ever driven. But it's not ready for long-ass trips. It takes too much time.

No, my friend just bought a, I think it's a Mitsubishi, and it's a hybrid, but how it works is it goes all electric until you run out of the electric charge, and then the motor kicks in, as opposed to my Prius, which is just alternating back and forth all the time. Right. The Prius gets ridiculous gas mileage though, right? It's amazing. What do you get? Probably 50.

Wow. That's hilarious. Looks like dog shit though. I hate it. Why do you deal with it? Why do you do that to yourself? You and I have had this conversation a million times where I'm like, Greg, get a muscle car. I want a Mustang.

I want one. That's all I want. I want one The new ones are amazing As a matter of fact They have a new Bullet Mustang No they don't

Yes they do Yes they do They have a bullet model Brand new 2019 Green Emerald green Dope ass

Fucking Mustang With I think it's More than 460 horsepower It's very fast It's an Uptuned version Of the one That's in the GT So it's more than 460 horsepower it's a very fast it's an uptuned version of the one that's in the gt so it's their coyote generation 3 mustang engine look at that that's it baby oh my god yeah see it even says bullet on the back see the back the back badge that's a bullet mustang that's the

2019 and you get in a stick shift like Like a fucking man, Fitzsimmons! Yeah, you definitely got to get the stick shift. You get the fucking stick shift. You drive around. Your balls are going to grow back. I need them back. Look at that. Look at the front of it.

It's a beautiful car. I need those TRTs. Is that the testosterone? I need that. Testosterone replacement therapy. You need both these things in your life. The Prius is like... Shut your mouth with that Prius.

I know. Stop talking about it. Look at that. Mustang Bullitt 2019. It's like the 50th anniversary of the movie or whatever the hell it is. Yeah. When was that movie?

40th? 68. 68? So, yeah. More than 50th. Look at that, man. Ooh. Wow.

God damn, that's a car. Yeah. That's a motherfucker of a car. They make great American cars right now. Yeah. Right now is a great time. So, look at the two of them The old one and the new one

Oh wow And you know the great thing is The gas mileage on these cars isn't that bad anymore Very good Yeah They have intelligent computers running All the fuel injection and everything The tune of the engine is all done with computers now

Do you want to get one bro? Come on stop fucking around. What are we gonna get, younger? We're not getting younger. You know what it is? It's the whole college thing. Shut the fuck up. You're a talented comedian.

You make plenty of loot. You're gonna spend money on this stupid fucking Prius. That thing is not free. You have to pay for that thing. Yeah. Get a goddamn Mustang. How much are one of those

bullet Mustangs? Trying to sell it. Jamie, why do you think it's funny? You know I'm right. You know I'm right. Right? I know you're right, too. I need it. How much are one of those bullet Mustangs? Trying to sell it. Jamie, why do you think it's funny? You know I'm right. You know I'm right. Right? I know you're right, too. I need it.

How much is that? At the end of my life. No, no, no, no, no. Now, Fitzsimmons. So what if my kids... No, I'm saying at the end of my life, when I look back, I'm going to go, oh, my kid went to college? Fuck him.

He can take a loan. Do you have the room for it in your driveway if you had a third car? We park on the street. We live in Venice. 46,000. That's not much, buddy. It's not bad. That's a good deal.

Get that fucking thing. You park on the street like a savage? Maybe I'll start like a Kickstarter fund or something for my car. You think people would do that? No.

They would say, just do some gigs and put some money away, you son of a bitch. I know you fucking sell out places. Shut the fuck up. Some dudes are just so frugal. I always find that so funny because I'm such a slob.

But that's how we were when we started in Boston. You were driving a fucking, was it a Celica GT or something? No, no, no. It was a Mitsubishi Starion. It was like a little sporty looking car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were leasing it. And I was like,

who the fuck leases a new car when they've been doing comedy for two years? And I had a fucking, I had an 84 Volkswagen Rabbit. And I just remember you had a fucking nice, you had a jacked up stereo system in it. And I remember you got, it got fucking repossessed.

No, that was a different car. That was the Dodge Daytona Shelby. I'd gotten rid of the one, and then I got the second one. And you didn't give a fuck. You went to the impound lot, and you jumped the fence to get the radio out, right? Yeah, I had a stereo I put in it. I installed the stereo. I jumped the fence and pulled the fucking stereo out of the Daytona.

Because I knew I wasn't going to be able to pay for that fucking car anymore because it was it was actually that was the first year of comedy that was my first year i actually got that while i was still teaching and i was still um i taught i was teaching at boston university i was teaching taekwondo there i was teaching at this uh school that i was running in revere and i was delivering newspapers so i was teaching taekwondo there i was teaching at this uh school that i was running in revere and i was delivering newspapers so i was making a little bit of money and i was really stupid and when i found out that i could get a car like a brand new dodge daytona shelby in 1988 or 1989 and i could i could lease it they would lease it to me yeah i was like perfect let's do it but then somewhere along the

line i had decided i was really going to dedicate myself to stand up i was like i am i'm half-assing this and someone had told me that one of the guys that i was doing open mic nights he said you know you were really funny like six months ago but he goes but it seems like you've fallen off a little and he said it to me and i didn't even respond. I remember like, fuck, he's right. He's right. He's right. I'm half-assing it. And then that night I was like, fuck this. I'm quitting everything.

So I decided I was going to quit teaching. I quit teaching at BU. I quit teaching at my school. I shut my school down. I was like, I'm done. I got to be a comic 100% and then I had no money. So you just said, I'll live off whatever i make to stand up at that point i was trying to get odd jobs during the day yeah but i couldn't have anything that

i was dedicated to right and when i was teaching i was very dedicated to teaching it meant a lot to me like martial arts meant a lot to me so technique means a lot to me so when i was teaching people i was very specific like it meant a lot yeah and i would teach people how to bring them to tournaments. I'd raised kids from white belt all the way up to blue belt and brought them to tournaments. It was exciting. It was really fun. It meant a lot to me, though.

It meant enough to me that I was not going to half-ass it. I was like, I'm not going to half-teach these people. Because when I was teaching, I was very serious about it. It meant a lot. So I was like, I'm not. I'm like, once I have a thing, I'm like, that's the thing. All these other things just get in the way of the thing. I have to just eliminate those.

And so that's what I did. And then they took my fucking car. But I got the stereo back. But yeah, we were always like that. I remember because I was living with your girlfriend, and you were coming over every night. You'd come from Cappuccino's, the restaurant around the corner with fucking takeout. Nice meals. I was eating fucking ramen noodles.

I spent every penny I had. You spent everything. I didn't put anything away ever. Come from Blockbuster with fucking five movies under your arm. Yeah, you were living with my girlfriend and another dude a gay guy named mike coconut he's a great guy he was a great dude he's the first guy i ever met who had a bow flex oh no shit yeah he was the first guy i met who was growing marijuana in his closet oh shit lights that's dangerous in boston in the 80s that's right you go to jail jail.

That was some skunk weed. We used to sit around smoking that skunk weed. You could go to jail jail for that. Yeah. Massachusetts is 100% free now. 100% legal.

Go to a store and buy it. Yeah. How fucking beautiful is that? I know. Illinois House passes marijuana legalization bill. Oh, wow. Yes.

Oh, that's huge. Sends to Pritzker. I don't know what that means. I think the governor decided I think. Oh, wow. Yes. Oh, that's huge. Sends to Pritzker. I don't know what that means. I think the governor. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Legalize Illinois. And get a gang of it

out to the south side of Chicago. Speaking of disenfranchised neighborhoods that are not going to fix themselves. I know. That's another one. There was five murders there last week. It's crazy. Dude.

And the schools are so fucking bad. There's this really good documentary called America Is Me. And it tracks Oak Park, which is like a kind of a mixed suburb in Chicago where there's black and white students. And they just track the lives of like ten students and five black and five white. And how they can be in the same place and have such different experiences you know black families where the fucking kid is stressed out he's not doing well in school and they're like the teacher's frustrated but he's like yeah he's he's got a single mom and they just lost the apartment because she lost her job and now they're living

with an aunt and you know there's all these circumstances going on and then you've got the white kids who are taking SAT prep classes. And they got a mom who's not working that drives them to their different sports. It's a great documentary. It's a different world. I mean, this is the same conversation we were having before the podcast started about this guy that we know that thinks that homeless people are lazy. And we were like, look look there are people out there that were born on third base and they fucking swear to god they hit a triple and they think well i i

fucking didn't have my shoes tied and i didn't do this and i i missed out on birthday parties and i but nobody shot you yeah you know nobody robbed you your uncle didn't rape you you're not in jail you didn't you didn't watch your brother get killed you know come on man like there's way worse hands that people get dealt way worse and just the overall vague sense of entitlement well i mean saying on the other side of being surrounded by people that are not achieving oh yeah and being being exposed to people that don't think that finishing high school or college is a priority right and so it's very hard to come up with that concept yourself, especially in the absence of two functioning parents. The only thing that helps them now is the internet because you could lock on to like David Goggins or someone like that or someone who was also born into terrible situations like that. And you can listen to his story and read his – or listen to his audio book, which is fantastic.

Read his book and understand there's people like him that used to be like me they made it through and now they have a story and i can do that too it's possible and then that becomes your guiding light but the idea that we're all in the same fucking starting block it's just stupid as fuck yeah it's stupid it's stupid it's a bad way to look at the world yeah and when people get upset at you know certain aspects of life without acknowledging that like yeah and then you've got people that live in abandoned factory towns whether it's you know in the appalachias or it's in you know detroit where you had jobs and your grandfather had a job and that was it and it was just it was like there was no diversity of work in that area and then the fucking plant closes and it's just despair i have a good friend and his family is from coal miners and uh i mean he the way he

describes it is like you have never seen that kind of poverty before you've never seen that kind of poverty when you're in these coal towns and people are just all fucked up on pills like the whole town's fucked up on pills it's like you haven't seen poverty like that wow it's dark and then there's despair and there's no exit strategy no one there's no one to model around you no one no one's there to give you advice everyone's a criminal everyone's trying to get by everyone's selling pills robbing people shooting people and this is just a segment this is just what happens with despair right and this is just despair in that in that context and then there's despair in south central la just despair in east la there's despair and you know really fucked up mexican neighborhoods in la well that's why we were talking about i think you had a guest on that talked about how with how everything's getting wrote robots are taken

over that's the book by yang it was probably the presidential candidate you're talking about how they're going to subsidize the uh the the whole population yes yes but with that but with that you know it sounds like it may happen that that type of a system but there's still going to be despair because you still need a sense of purpose. You still need to work and feel good about yourself. That's the counter to that, yeah. And I agree with both things, unfortunately. It's like I agree that most likely automation is going to take over.

Here's the thing. When people need purpose, they still need purpose. They need purpose now but would a thousand dollars a month if everyone knew they had a thousand dollars a month coming from the government would it make you more invested in being an american would it make you more invested in keeping this thing running like you're you're actually getting paid from it you're looking at the american like it's generating income and you're getting paid from it you're getting enough money so you can eat and have a roof over your head. If the three of us got $1,000 a month, that's $3,000 a month.

There's a place we could get with the three of us that's like $1,500 a month. And then the rest of it we would just put into food and whatever. And you could live, weed, hookers. You would live like that. That's a livable wage for enough. If you get enough people to get $1,000 a month, it's not perfect. It's not great. So the question is, how does it make you feel about yourself and about your country?

Yeah. And this is the question, too. Does that stop you from pursuing your dreams? Because it's not like you're getting 50 grand a year. Like, if you were getting 50 grand a year, like, man, it'd be hard to get me to work. If I just had free 50 grand every year like how much do you do you really need if you have an apartment like it's not easy i know folks that are making 50 grand like hey you know you'd be surprised you don't really save much and you know once you

if you have a car and a lease and either a mortgage or an apartment payment i get it i get it but if you had 50 grand a year it would be really hard for you to grind it'd be really hard for you to really go after something just be obsessed unless that's just your style unless that's just who you are well it seems like a um i don't know if it's more manageable way is just socialize medicine and make higher education free i think both those things are imperative. I really do. I think especially education. Why would it cost, why should it cost money to figure out how to make people more intelligent and contribute better? Wouldn't you want less losers? Wouldn't you want more educated people that have a better understanding of how the world works? Especially since we're a service economy. We're

not a manufacturing economy anymore. We need people that understand how to manage and to be entrepreneurial and you know yes communicate but just be educated i mean if there's more people that are smarter then you have more competition then you have more productivity i mean it would just be better for everybody you don't want ignorant people you don't want it meanwhile education my son's going to college it's's fucking $65,000 a year. That's so much money. Times four years, times two kids, that's $600,000 a year. What American's got an extra $600,000? So your kid is now saddled with a debt that he'll be paying off forever.

He's underwater. That's not $600,000 a year. You're saying $65,000 a year and two kids. $65,000, $71,000, $30,000. $130,000. you mean forever yeah for four years for four years times two kids like 650 grand a year that's like 600 total over over the course of their college careers yeah your base and you have to make more than a million to have that by the way yeah because you got to pay Yeah. And you're not just only spending money on that.

You've got to spend money on living expenses and your mortgage and your house. So that, you know, you're really talking about $2 million probably. And don't think your kid's coming out of college into a job that's going to be able to support himself. You're still going to be subsidizing their phone and their car insurance and probably part of their rent for the next five, six years after that. Playing tickets when they come to visit. Yeah. And if you're thinking about that over these four years, you really, if you want $100,000, you kind of have to make $200,000. And then you got insurance.

If you're on the market as a family of four to get health insurance in california you're paying twenty thousand dollars a year between fifteen and twenty thousand dollars a year which means again you got to earn 40 a lot of people are moving out of california because of state tax a lot of people realize you know i can live in nevada and not pay any state tax yeah why would i want to pay state tax what am i doing that's a lot of money it is like 10 right yeah and then if you live in new york city you have to pay a state and a city tax oh you dirty big fat fucking city tax oh is that to keep the rats that's to keep the electricity going for the guys that are taking a train in from connecticut every day and working on wall street that aren't paying the fucking city tax

fucking communists yeah the people who don't pay the city tax are dirty. Yeah. They work in the city and they don't pay the tax. That's right. Must pay the tax. Those estates in Connecticut. Yeah. Those weird soulless, gigantic, Great Gatsby-like estates.

Those are so weird. Darien, Connecticut. They've all got fucking Ferraris with automatic transmissions. A buddy of mine works at a high school in Connecticut where all his rich kids go to school. He works there. Shout out to my boy Tommy Jr. Yeah, he works there and sees these people, these giant fucking huge lawns. I'm thinking about buying a place there.

I want a big lawn. I want to be like a Kennedy I'd like to live next to a bunch of people that are on pills Out of their fucking mind Trying to make meaning out of life With three billion dollars in the bank I want people whose heads have been reshaped by a guy in Indianapolis Yeah, if you have a flat head though Girls don't want to fuck a dude with a flat head

No, I'm going to shave my head but it's not going to look good I have a flat head though There's something Girls don't want to fuck a dude With a flat head No I'm going to shave my head But it's not going to look good I got a bad head You're fine Let me see Turn sideways I'm pasty white

Turn sideways Dude shave it You're fine Really Yeah we'll shave it right now I'm doing it tomorrow Do we have the clippers From the time

I'll do it right now Really Are they over there Yeah Are they charged up Probably If it only went halfway And then cut off

That's You should have that That should be your new look, like crisscross. Remember they used to have their clothes on backwards? Yeah, that's right. You shave half the side of your head. Shave one side, leave the other side. And people are like, what is going on? You're like, fuck you.

I'm handicapped. Look at my head. Half the crowd. I'm doing ball jokes for half the crowd. The other half you're doing like going bald jokes dude i had ari shafir on my podcast one time and uh we were at you ever you ever do a podcast and above the comedy cellar they've got a studio up there i haven't bobby kelly started it and it's uh i forget what it's called and um so i'm up there doing my podcast with ari and it's an apartment.

It's like there's a bedroom and a bathroom and then the studio. And we got to talking about torture, and I go, you ever been waterboarded? He's like, no. I go, this is a bathroom right here. I go, you want me to waterboard you? And you know Ari's like, yeah. Sure, let's do it's like sure let's do it so we go inside and I put a towel over his face

and he leans over backwards and his head is below his body in the shower stall the nozzle comes off the wall and I spray down his face and nothing nothing nothing and then all of a sudden his body's convulsing his legs are kicking he's fucking screaming

water is shooting out of his nose. He's choking. And it went on for like a couple minutes. And I'm fucking dying. And then he starts laughing. And we were just on the podcast laughing without saying a word for probably five minutes. And then he goes, want me to do it to you? I'm like, fuck yeah.

And then he waterboarded me and the same thing happened wow yeah the waterboarding is legit yeah yeah yeah you can't uh that's real torture yeah but it's weird torture because you're not permanently injuring someone like when you think of torture you think of like someone cutting someone lighting them on fire, shit like that. What's the torture you would least want to be done to you? That's a good question. Maybe that one. Maybe waterboarding.

I don't know. I get electrocution. They electrocute you. Ozarks? Spoiler alert? Oh, yeah. Don't say nothing. I think being made to be cold for a long period of time. Cold and no sleep.

They say no sleep is actually the worst thing you can do to somebody. Right, like Chinese water torture. They just have the water drip on you. Drip. Just keeps you awake. Drip. Days. Drip.

Yeah. That's a good tip. If you're ever falling asleep while you're driving, folks, if you stop at a gas station and get a soda or a water and some ice and then get a wet towel with water and some ice and then get like wet towel. Get a wet towel with ice in it and just rub your face. Because I used to smack myself in the face when I was coming back from gigs.

Yeah. And I'd be driving on the mass bike and there's no one on the road. Smacking yourself in the face. Just sticking my head out the window. You know, just trying to stay awake. Yeah. Because you're just something about the hypnotic white lines. Just dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. trying to stay awake yeah because you're you just something about the hypnotic white lines just dude i used to fucking i used to drive from boston to new york like once a week for like a year and a

half oh my god i had a i had a place i could crash in the city and i'd finish my gigs on saturday night i'd be at the fucking worcester aku aku the show would end at like you know midnight and i'd get in my car and i'd drive the three three and a half hours to the city and i regularly slept while driving and then snapped out of it like how fucking crazy is that i once wrecked a car i fell asleep on the highway once how old were you i was in college and uh i had to go down to providence for a court date i got into a fight in providence and i got arrested spent the weekend in jail and then i had to come back for the court appearance so i borrowed my ex-girlfriend's car and i'd been up the night before all night drinking

and so i drove down and uh i did the court appearance got out of it, and I'm driving home and I'm on 95 North and I just fucking fell asleep and I hit the guardrail, spun out, hit a truck. Oh my God. And thank God I got,

I cut my mouth, I hit my mouth on the steering wheel. This is probably no airbags too, right? No airbags. I was old Toyota Corolla. Fucking totaled the car. Oh, no. My ex-girlfriend's car.

Oh, no. Yeah. How does she feel? She was all right with it. Really? She was all right with it, yeah. She was happy you were alive? She was a great girl.

Aw. Yeah, Cindy Murtha. Shout out to Cindy. So you probably were relieved because of the court date, right? Yeah. You were relieved. Oh, I got off. I can't believe I got off.

Right. And then you drive him back. Er, bang. Fuck. What a feeling, man. You talk about adrenaline rushing into your body. That's second. It can't get no more intense than that.

Kid I knew from high school died that way. Oh, no shit. Really? Yeah, he hit the underside of a bridge. Damn. Yeah. He was asleep or he was drinking fell asleep fell asleep damn yeah happens all the time man my father he was uh my father was a big drinker and he was driving home drunk one time and uh my mom was following him in another car that's how complicit alcoholism was back in the 70s yeah wives were just like all right honey i'll follow you because you're drunk oh my god and so he's driving and he falls asleep at the wheel and he goes head first into a tree

oh jesus cuts his jugular vein and his arm the veins in his arm my mom drives to get an ambulance he has no cell phones. They come. By the time they get there, he has no vital signs. He's fucking dead. Oh, my God. And they brought him back to life. And he was in the hospital for like two weeks.

Whoa. How'd they bring him back to life? I have no fucking idea. I was like five. Did they have some stuff to set aside? I was like four or five. And what? To put aside?

I said they have some stuff they set aside. Yeah. They really like a guy. Right. And use that Pet Sematary injection. Bring him back. That's right. Bring him back.

Spike him in the chest. I didn't see the new Pet Sematary. I heard it was, eh. I heard it was eh. Is that based on the Stephen King book? Yeah. The book is great. Yeah.

The movie, the first movie was all right. It was all right. They're fun. They're campy The difference between His books and his movies Though are so profound Yeah

His books are terrifying His books like Get to the heart Of the worst aspects Of human nature Right Demonic possession The one

Maximum Overdrive Would be a great one To remake now Yeah right With all the fucking Robots or Yeah Any machine takes over

And kills everyone Yeah No shit, right? Yeah. They have it like with modern electric trucks and shit. Yeah. The Shining was the only one that was as scary as the book. Well, it was different.

Very different than the book. How was it? Yeah. I read the book. The Shining, the movie with Jack Nicholson, apparently bothered Stephen King because Jack Nicholson was like on edge from the beginning of the movie. Like he was always crazy. Like he was always like, you know,

he's always just kind of barely fucking hanging on. You know, that was his whole thing. And in the book, the guy clearly becomes mad. He becomes possessed. He's a normal guy who's just struggling. He's trying to be a writer and he uses this as an opportunity to write and then the house takes him over.

It's more sinister. More of an arc. Yeah, yeah, yeah a writer, and he uses this as an opportunity to write, and then the house takes him over. It's more sinister. More of an arc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's nothing you can do. That's him getting pumped up for the scene. Oh, yeah. He's getting fired up. Look at him.

Yeah. Was that Kubrick? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Kubrick. Look at him. He doesn't want to get killed by a fucking axe, axe-wielding Jack Nicholson. Yeah. Yeah, Kubrick. Look at, he doesn't want to get killed by a fucking axe. Axe wielding Jack Nicholson. Yeah, I could see that.

Once Kubrick takes over, you're not going to have a lot of say in how the thing is directed. Well, not only that, Kubrick put all this moon landing stuff in it. There was all these moon references. Really? Yeah, the kid had an Apollo sweater on. sweater on like there was there's there's someone made a documentary that was all the numbers and all the all the things that are attached to that movie room 237 that's what it's about because it's 237 000 miles to the moon when they made the launch so he's got usa apollo sweater on the little boy did there's a bunch of things yeah there's a ton of things

that kubrick did on purpose because he would put weird stuff like that in his movies he's a fascinating guy man you know he was like a high level mathematician no shit yeah he would do high level mathematics for fun while he wasn't doing movies wow yeah they had an exhibit at uh lachma in la of a stanley kubrick exhibit for like six months it was fucking wild that place should be flattened they should take all the homeless people and move them there that place is the most of the biggest abomination of all los angeles i went there there's a clear plastic box that was a piece of art yeah like this box is art it's like this is the art this is our art it's our in it. Yeah. Like, this box is art. It's like, this is the art. This is our art. It's our space. Yeah.

We made this box, and this is our art. Like, what? Like, they have it roped off so you don't sit on the box. Yeah. It's like a plexiglass box. Like, get the fuck out of my face with this. Yeah. You know what you're doing.

Another piece of art was, like, people throwing basketballs in the nets. There was, like, videos of basketballs, like, over and over and over again. People throwing basketballs. I'm like, hey, hey, hey. Fuck you. Fuck you. I know what you basketballs. I'm like, hey, hey, hey, fuck you. Fuck you. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing.

You don't, this is not art. You know this is not art. You know. Then there was some art there when there was some of that stuff. There was some things you're like, hey, fuck you with this box. Yeah. I know what you're doing.

And you get paid for this? Yeah. Who's paying you? Is this taxpayer funded? Isn't it? LACMA? LACMA? Yesma yes yeah they probably have to pay the people to rent their art bro the fucking real estate they're living in yeah i heard something recently about museum is that only something like seven percent of like most collections are what you see there's so much stuff in storage like cool shit that people might want

to see that there's not room for because the buildings aren't big enough really lots of like instruments for instance 300 year old violins get used by like kids because it's uh cheaper to just keep them in use and send them around than it is to just store it and hope and like restore it eventually like after it's unused for 25 30 years yeah because of all the old horse hair or whatever is they used to make each thing but there's really cool art by probably da vci or who knows what's hidden in some of these places. But people that work there know and get to see some of it. You know what's interesting to me?

People that buy dinosaur skeletons, apparently there's a giant market for them in China. They'll spend like a million dollars and buy a dinosaur skeleton. You walk in this motherfucker's house. Fuck your artwork, bitch. That's pretty badass. You got a goddamn T-Rex in my living room. I like that.

Can you imagine? Yeah. You walk into some guy's palace, some emerald palace, and you open these two fucking teakwood doors and you see a dinosaur in the middle of his front entrance.

That's what they're going for. So they're buying these things. There's nothing. Nicolas Cage returns stolen Mongolian dinosaur skull he bought at gallery. Tyrannosaurus. What is that animal? Tyrannosaurus batar.

Have you heard of that? No. B-A-T-A-A-R. It will be repatriated. Ah, I like that word. After it was bought by the actor from Beverly Hills Gallery in 2007, a T-rex skull wow what he bought it for 276 000 that's pretty good deal well it was 2007 i think he said yeah shit wasn't worth as much back then fuck man now nothing stops you in your

tracks and like museum of natural history is a good fucking dinosaur skeleton especially the ones that eat things like eat meat i don't want that big ass stupid plant-eating brontosaurus get that bitch out of my face what is that that's a weird elephant he's a fucking vegan who wants to hang out with a vegan get him out of here i'm not scared i want to see teeth let me see teeth and claws what a shit design huh giant head little tiny baby arms yeah like What a shit design, huh? Giant head, little tiny baby arms. Yeah. What a shit design. What is he doing with those arms?

What the fuck is the purpose of those arms? There's the only animal that I can think of that developed that way. And was he a plant eater? No. T-Rex? Oh, T-Rex. Yeah, I'm thinking of the other one. They don't know if T-Rex was a predator or if T-Rex was a scavenger.

They think by the shape. There's some talk that by the shape of his bones, what he might have been doing was using those bones to crush giant dinosaur bones and that he might be surviving on dead things. Yeah. And that they also had some speculation that they might have had. They don't know what they really looked like because they don't know the skin color they had some speculation that they might have had faces like vultures like red fucked up really brightly colored faces just to let you know they're disgusting and they're here to you know

because like when you see vultures it's not a coincidence that they're the grossest fucking looking animal on the planet and all they eat is dead shit. Yeah. And they're big. Vultures are fucking big. Right. That's a big animal flopping around with these giant wings. But we're not nearly as impressed by them as we are with an eagle. You see, the vulture's never going to be the fucking national bird.

Get out of here with that bullshit. We kill it ourselves, bro. We're not here for some scavenger ass, fucked up, red faced, stupid bird. Get out of here with that bullshit. We killed ourselves, bro. We're not here for some scavenger-ass, fucked-up, red-faced stupid bird. The Smithsonian, I think it opens on the 8th of June. They have this brand new deep-time natural history

dinosaur exhibit. This is some of the highlights of what they have there. They have this T-Rex eating a triceratops. This giant Irish elk. Sabertooth cat. Bunch of cool stuff. You're just talking about it. this like t-rex wow eating a triceratops yeah jesus christ giant irish elk a saber-toothed cat bunch of cool stuff like you're just talking about it so i'm sure they might have some of these answers to the questions and this is uh where which uh dc smithsonian natural history when does this come out uh it's it's opening now it's like they just built it and they're

just doing all the press seems pretty cool. Seems pretty cool. Yeah, I mean, who owns the dinosaur skeletons? Who owns that? The Smithsonian, I think, it's free because it's U.S. taxes. So some of the stuff, I guess, we technically own, I guess. Hmm. Is it D.C. or New York? One of them doesn't charge for any of the museums. I think it might be D.C. Yeah, the Smithsonian stuff is all free.

When it's open, it should be free. My friend John Dudley knows a dude who owns a ranch in Montana, and they found a T-Rex on his property. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Found a bone out there moving around stuff on his property.

He's like, what the fuck is this? Starts cleaning it up, finds something, brings in some paleontologists. They start digging, and they're like, whoa, daddy. Yeah. We got a T-Rex here. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's a fucking job.

People get obsessed with that and they go, I'm going to be an archaeologist when I get older. And then you're standing in a fucking desert with a toothbrush for eight hours a day trying to find a bone. Watch that. Who was that dude, Sam? The guy's name from Sam O'Neill? Sam Neill? Sam Neill. Sam Neill from Jurassic Park.

Yeah. Nobody wants to be him. Everybody wants to be Jeff Goldblum, the guy who shows up with a sexy jacket and says, life finds a way. It appears that life finds a way. World's biggest T-Rex discovered. Jesus Christ, what is this? Estimated 19,500 pounds.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. And what can those arms even do? Look at those things. Yeah, the arms are weird, man. They're so weird. And look how big the feet and legs are and the giant ass head.

That's the thing that thinking that this wasn't something that chased things down. It just sort of bent over and just jacked whatever was on the ground yeah but i don't know if that's like uh i think there was some speculation hey we should google this because there was something about the physics of its body that it wouldn't be able to run fast because it's so weirdly shaped they're like trying to figure out why is its head so big it has little tiny ass arms and these big ass legs this big fucking tail like can that thing run like what it would

and then there's also some speculation that the atmosphere was way different back then and the atmosphere was much more oxygen rich and maybe things just were different you know like the physics run longer and faster like maybe even the physics Of earth was a little Different in terms of like The way we interacted With the gravity We interacted with The atmosphere rather

Yeah The atmosphere like Held them up Somehow or another Like it was thicker But I read things When I'm high And I don't remember

What the fuck I read I think this is just saying That it should have been Slower maybe Than like they were shown In the Jurassic Park It wouldn't have been Running that fast.

Here it says, running would have broken an adult Tyrannosaurus Rex's legs. See, I don't, but, okay, Google this. So now we know that there's people that think that he couldn't run because of the shape. Google the atmosphere was different during the Jurassic period. Because there was some, I mean, it might have been horseshit. It was just an article that was written about how we have to take into account

the whole world was different. Before that, giant asteroid came and fucked up everything and slammed into Chichen Itza. You know, that... It says that the oxygen levels might have been about 20 to 30 percent higher during that time period so it might have been harder to breathe i guess i'm not sure

harder to breathe a sudden drop in oxygen from roughly 30 percent to the atmosphere of the atmosphere to about 10 may have contributed to mass extinctions oh so from the impact the dinosaur so that was one of the things they thought killed there's a bunch of different ideas they have of how quickly the dinosaurs died off. But one of the more interesting ones that I saw recently was that they all died almost instantly. It says it would have made it more humid with higher levels of carbon dioxide and more likely more cloud cover. It just says gasping for breath. I just keep seeing that stuff.

It says harder to breathe. Yeah, that doesn't have anything to do with the way they move, though. There was something about, I remember reading something about the way a T-Rex moved. But it's a fucking mystery. Because it's not normal. Like, you look at a crocodile, you're like, oh, I get it. Uses those four legs to get you with his big fat face. You know, it makes sense.

Then you look at a T-Rex, like, why are you up in the air like that? Why is your head so big? What's with the little legs? The ones in the front? What are those things? What's with the arms? What's up with this weird body you have? The weight of that head is illogical.

Giant head. Yeah. It's a crazy head. He needs to go to Indianapolis, get that thing fucking shaved down. He's an insult. Maybe that's why he's so mad. Can't fuck. Yeah, how did they fuck?

How do they fuck? How do they fuck? Jesus Christ, with that tail. How do you get at the pussy with that tail? That's a crazy ass tail. Yeah. You'd have to come at it from the side. You'd, with that tail. How do you get at the pussy with that tail? That's a crazy ass tail. You'd have to come at it from the side. You'd have to tackle her. You'd have to blindside her. Tackle her. Get a leg

up in the air. Get in like that. You'd have to get one of them legs. But then, what the fuck? You have no arms. So you can't. No, she can't give you a hand job. T-Rex tiny arms may have been vicious weapons. Save it, nerd. Save it, nerd. What? job t-rex tiny arms may have been vicious weapons save it nerd save it nerd what like unlike his fucking giant face filled with huge swords he's got a huge head filled with swords

the small arms are a necessary trade-off remnants of little wings of flightless birds that's what i thought i was looking up i thought maybe at one point I'd heard that One scientist thought those were like remnants of wings Oh that makes sense And they weren't actually maybe arms but they were wings Well that totally makes sense when you think about like ostriches And shit like that that they used to have wings And they turned into those things let me see it again

Let me see his fucking little shitty arms That makes way more sense That makes way more sense That they're the remnants of four wings because like that if you think about what an ostrich looks like you could kind of morph an ostrich into a t-rex right yeah i mean they don't have a tail but they do have those fucked up legs giant ass legs and a weird body and a fucking head and when they look at you they look at you like they look right through you. Like you don't mean shit.

Like if you got run over by a truck in front of an ostrich, they wouldn't even flinch. They don't give a fuck about you. Just like a dinosaur. They just have this bird face. They have zero compassion for you. Yeah, ostriches have no empathy. That's why they have small arms. They never hug anybody.

No, assholes. All of those fucking creatures that fly around or used to. They can all suck it. All birds. All birds are gross. I love when people keep them as pets. See if you can find a bird as a pet. My bird loves me. Keep your window open.

See what happens. T-Rex used to look like Vulture. This is a weird one. They don't even know they're covered in feathers. They think they might have been covered in feathers. That's a more recent speculation. They think that all dinosaurs were covered in feathers.

Wow. Yeah, or most of them. That's why you see chickens. A chicken literally is a dinosaur. Just one that lived. One that made it. made it oh that's one it's creepy looking um now there was one where it had a red face there was some yeah that's it right there exactly yeah yeah so yeah that's how they had it done. With like feathers and shit. Feathers and a big old red face. I don't know why we're attached to like one idea what that fucking thing looked like. All we have is bones.

We have no idea what the skin was like. Easily could have been covered in feathers. Isn't it amazing that every kid, I don't know if it's girls too, but every boy gets fascinated with dinosaurs at a certain age. Isn't that weird? Oh, yeah. It's like archetypal there's something deep in your brain that wants to know and connect with dinosaurs when you're like four or five years old because it's such a fucking wild hail mary by nature and they they ruled for so long and they were snuffed out by a rock like if that rock didn't hit earth we would be under the reign of these vicious fucking reptiles roaming the planet eating everything we would have never evolved to where we are we would have been hiding in little holes in the

ground we'd be little mammals that's as good as you're ever going to get you're never going to develop a fucking city good luck bitch there's raptors everywhere they're just running around jack you don't think homo sapiens would have never never made it never got to that part we were moles for hundreds of millions of years we were these weird fucking creatures and then from 65 million years ago that mole evolved into a human being according to these fucking scientists oh they're fancy they have an agenda $65,000 a year that you have to pay for education yeah this book i was just listening to about music and the brain talked about the first instrument found is this uh i think it was like a rib flute of like an elephant or uh something that's like 50,000 years old but because it it's a flute, they go, that's probably most likely not the first instrument

being used because it was probably drums to get to a flute that's making sounds. It's a big evolution. Yeah. Like how farther back do you think they were just using drums before they had language, you know? Oh, that's a good point. Because we have the haka in New Zealand, that whole thing. Yeah.

Which is just a lot of sounds and grunts. Screaming. But that's a good point the haka in new zealand that whole thing yeah which is just a lot of sounds and grunts yeah screaming but that's a way to communicate yeah like um what is the accepted timeline for the invention of language let's take a guess i don't know what it is but let's take a guess um i want to say language was invented a hundred thousand years ago what do you think i don't even think it's that long. Well, it would have been... I'm going to say it's 40. I'm going to say language

was invented 40,000 years ago. Well, it's Homo sapien, right? Is that the first one? Yes, but Homo sapien didn't always have language. Right. Homo sapien, I think, is 250,000 plus years old.

There's like the argument from like 250, it gets shaky, to like 350, 400, whatever it could be but they think somewhere around there and the other thing is like they it intersected with was it neanderthal man that came before him and originally they just thought that one ended and the next one started yeah but then in fact they actually existed together yep for a long time and they fought

yep and they fucked and neanderthal was around way longer. Neanderthal survived for half a million years. So Neanderthal was alive way longer than humans have been alive, than modern Homo sapiens. Yeah. What's that? Everything I keep finding just says it starts with ancient Egypt. That can't be right. Maybe written language.

That's probably written language. How about spoken language? The right. Maybe written language. That's probably like written language. How about spoken language? The origin date of spoken language. Well, Neanderthal was bigger and stronger, but Homo sapien, they organized. Yeah. Wow. I would like to know what really happened. Because Neanderthals actually had bigger brains.

Oh, really? Yeah. But they're also built way better, way different. So it might have been their bigger brains was to control their much stronger body. Because they were like 5'7", 250 pounds. No shit. 220 pounds. Yeah, they were built different than us.

Yeah, they were thick-ass bones, man. Like a 5'7", 200-pound man today, like, man, that guy's got to be lifting some weights. It's basically my height. I'm 5'8". I weigh 200 pounds. So I'm built like a neanderthal like legitimately that's what they were all built like that that and thicker right but with way denser bones and bigger heads bigger heads bigger arms bigger bones the bones in the forearm the arms the legs everything was thicker they were just more sturdy than us they're like naturally like they didn't have to lift weights they would rip your fucking arms off they were just built

like almost like a half a chimp like on the way from being you know australia or you know homo erectus or australia pithicus or any of those early man cut type species they were in that you know there's there was a they think there was dozens of them. They think there's the ones out of Russia that they found out about. I think they're called Denisovans. There's those little hobbit people that were in the island of Flores. The island of Flores. They think there might be ones in those places too.

Even in Vietnam, they have one they call the Orang Pendek, I think that's how you say it. And they, that's like a little monkey man, like a little hairy man that lives in the forest out there. And before this Hobbit discovery, which was only like a decade ago, the people that live in the island of Flores, and they found out that there was absolutely three-foot-tall little hairy people that had stone tools and you know and they organized they lived in these places and they use fire like that's a that's a real goddamn thing no shit yeah and they just found that out within the last decade or so so i mean how many of them were out there how many

other ones were out there that we just don't have fossils of and when you talk to a guy like graham hancock who has that amazing book right there called America Before. Fuck, that's a good book. It falls deep in that. It can't find any evidence. About 10,000 years ago seems to be the most agreed upon potential for spoken language. No shit. I think they might only have evidence that goes back that far. There's people that say it probably should go back as far back as 60,000 years, but I don't believe they have any evidence of that to support that.

How would you you that's the problem there's the when they developed the the larynx the voice box i think they they trace it to that yeah that's the problem with history right it's like who knows what the fuck lincoln said all we know is what lincoln wrote okay when you have lincoln holding hands with his boyfriend going for a walk through the garden, bitch, you're just making shit up. You're making shit up. Wait, is that a thing now?

Well, there is speculation that Abraham Lincoln was a gay man. Huh. And that he slept with a man for long periods of time in the same bed. But apparently people did that very often back then for warmth. Because, you know, you lived in a place that was made out of wood that you chopped down your fucking self. I shared a bed for four years, though. Listen, it's cold for four years in a row. It'd be tough to share a bed with Lincoln.

He was fucking huge. Yeah, he's all strong, too. He's a wrestler. Was he? Yeah. Huh. Yeah, he was an excellent wrestler, supposedly. And he shared a bed with his captain of his bodyguards whenever his wife was away.

Hip-hop, hooray. Maybe he was cold. Hey. It might be both. I mean, we have to think about it in context, right? I think if you go back to the Greeks and the Romans, gay sex was way more common. I mean, it was almost like everybody was half gay right it's kind of and pedophilia was just a normal thing young boys like if you read socrates you read the history of of him or of a lot of scholars and like really respected thinkers they had young boys that they

would bang so what was what today is a horrific crime against humanity was completely normal back then yeah so when did that stop when did dudes just stop banging dudes and did they just kind of do it and not talk about it? Or was it? It seems like Christianity first brought about the shame, the sexual shame that we have today. So I would probably trace it back to like 2,000 years ago. If you, how, here's a question. How much of being gay is stopped by society's expectations like what is the percentage of people who are actually gay who just can't act on it because it just it whether their mom or their

religion or their church they go to or their you know they got married they had kids but they really want to be gay how much of that exists today like what percentage out of all all the gay activity if you could put it on a pie chart you mean how many more gay people would there be if they didn't if there was just no one cares to yeah there's no expectations from religion no expectations from your community i'd be in would you be in? Fuck yeah. Do you think you'd be a top or a bottom? Top. That's what everybody thinks. I'd be a screaming bottom.

A lot of crying. Waterboarding. I'd be a running bottom. It would be just like when you're waterboarding. You'd be fucking spasming uncontrollably. And it turns out that's what a lot of the guys are into, unfortunately. That's the biggest kink in the community. Waterboarding and getting buttfucked.

Getting buttfucked by waterboarding. It's the new black. It's the new thing. Yeah, it's the rage. It's's the rage it's all the rage nipple clamps and did you ever watch orange is the new black a couple times is it any good it's not bad i just i didn't i felt like the characters were a little too over overdrawn i didn't buy them as real people too much they seem like it felt like a writer coming up with a character um as opposed to like really trying to portray human behavior but then again i've never been in a women's prison my mom worked in a women's prison for years dude really yeah and she talked about they were all victim we were talking about earlier about um you know women who were abused.

And every fucking one of them was abused, sexually, physically. Almost all of them are in jail because of a guy. They were carrying drugs for a guy. They fucking killed a guy because he kept attacking her. It was pretty rare. And a lot of it was obviously drug use. But that stems from usually childhood abuse. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

But for a lot of them, my mom said, it was the best environment they'd ever lived in. Because there was a solidarity among a lot of the women. There was a lot of support. There was education. There were support groups. Yeah. And they developed relationships with women without men around. And so they were able to foster and nurture real female empowered relationships.

That's so sad and cool at the same time. Yeah. Right? It's sad, but it's like, well, it's nice that something is working out for them. Like women in jail seem to have a way better time of it than men in jail. It just seems like a better deal. I think so. You're probably not getting beat up as much.

Isn't there a new reality show about women in jail where they're following these women in jail? It's not just women. It's mostly women. I saw it. It's called Jailbirds on Netflix. I watched like the first episode. Yes, that's right. Is that good?

It's not bad. Yeah, it follows them in like the Sacramento jail where they're in holding. It seems like there's so many fucking shows about people in jail that it must be like prisoners must get agents now.

Oh my God. Like get offers. I got an offer from MSNBC for lockup. Greg, they like you but they'd like you to just get some face tattoos. Do you think you'd be good?

You know, they'll put you on A&E. Right. Okay, A&E. Right. Okay? A&E. Bad guys show. They're giving you a two... Bad guys in jail.

Greg Fitzsimmons. I got this. We're giving you a two-year option, but I'm only in here for one. You follow golf, right? Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about this because it's so ridiculous. I saw this guy got suspended from his serious golf show because he was talking about the LPGA. And he goes, who's going to win the LPGA?

He goes, let me go out on a limb and say it's going to be a Korean because apparently Koreans win a lot of them. 70% of the LPGA is Korean. It's crazy. Something like that. And then he said, he goes, pick a name. He goes, is it Lee? He goes, how many Lees do we have that entered? And it's like six Lees. Six Lees. He goes, is it Lee? He goes, how many Lees do we have that entered?

And it's like six Lees. Six Lees. He goes, there's six Lees. They said he was racist and sexist, and they suspended him for those comments. First of all, it's not bad to win, okay? When he's saying, who do you think is going to win? Probably a Korean. Well, that's good.

That means the Koreans kick ass at golf. That's not fucking racist right it's not racist to say that it's also not racist to say uh maybe their name is lee because there's a lot of lees that's not racist that's accurate it turns out there was six lees yeah like come on folks right we're not saying anything bad you're talking about something that everybody loves which is golf right you all love it that's why you're listening to golf radio and you're talking about something that everybody loves which is golf right you all love it that's why you're listening to golf radio and you're talking about an impoverished country that has found a way like black people found boxing or irish guys uh found the fucking police force like you find something to rise up out of well koreans work hard i mean i guarantee you that's part of it

it's part it's a part of the culture i had a very good friend of mine that I've talked about many times in this podcast who was U.S. National Champ while he was in medical school. National Taekwondo Champ. And I realized how hard some people were. He's Korean. Oh, yeah. Jung Sik Chang. That was his name. Damn. Yeah. Great guy. One of my favorite people

I've ever met. I loved him to death. I don't know why it's women, but in men's golf and men's golf is very international now. It's never had more players from around the world, but not a lot of Koreans. There's like a Japanese guy who's way up top, and there's another Korean guy who's good, but nothing like LPGA.

That's interesting. I don't know anything about, I didn't know anything about Koreans in golf before I saw that. But we have to make a differentiation between something that is about a race and something that's racist. This is not negative.

You're literally talking about a positive thing. They're winners. You want to win. Don't you want to win? You're trying to win, right? Well, they win a lot. They're awesome at it. They're not cheating. They're just a lot. They're awesome at it. Yeah. And they're not cheating.

They're just kicking ass. Right. They're better at golf. Yeah. And some of them are named Lee. There's nothing racist here. This is not racist. They're upset because the ratings for the LPGA are way down because they want to see

Americans playing. So there's like a... So it's an issue. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's a big issue because of ratings. So there's like a, so it's an issue. Yeah, it's a big issue because of ratings. So you think his attitude is racist because he's like mocking it because Koreans are winning it so he doesn't care?

I don't know that that's his intention. That's inferring a lot, right? No, I don't think it's his intention. I think there's a sensitivity about it because it's become an issue. I get that. I get that. That makes sense. But it just doesn't make sense if you're just going off what he said. Right.

Off what he said. What I'm getting is you're being super fucking sensitive with how you treat people that are talking about winners. Yeah. Like, that's the case with Filipinos and pool. Filipinos are some of the greatest pool players of all time. Some of my all-time favorite pool players are from the Philippines. Francisco Bustamanteante efren reyes rodolfo luat uh alex pagulian some of the greatest of all time uh dennis arculo all those guys were filipino the top of the food chain man when you saw those guys playing the tournament you're like like, fuck. Like, you knew they were winning.

Yeah. I mean, Efren Reyes won everything. Bustamante won everything. These guys are murderers. And if you said, like, who's going to win this tournament? Probably a Filipino. Everybody would start laughing. Like, yep, probably.

It wouldn't be a negative. It'd be a positive. Yeah. They're some of the best in the world at pool. That's not racist. That's accurate. Yeah. some of the best in the world at pool that's not racist that's accurate yeah now what is it with it with mma what are what are the big nationalities that's a good question russians russians are murdering it right now there's a lot of badass russians wherever life is hard

you're gonna find fighters and you're gonna find people that survive where life is hard and thrive and then that's how you get like a Khabib Nurmagomedov. You get a hard motherfucker who knows how to fight and then he scares shit. Same thing with Conor McGregor. You get a hard neighborhood, a hard life. Growing up in Dublin, dangerous. Fighting since he was young. That's how you get these beasts.

But a lot of American MMA guys come from- Wrestling. Or the military, right? Yeah, some of them. Some of them from the military. It's rare. We had special forces guy like Tim Kennedy, of course, who's probably one of the most famous. Brian Stan, also a military veteran.

And you look at these guys that are, you know, the guys that are capable of being SEALs or Rangers or Green Berets, they're just elite humans. They're people that know how to do things and push themselves in a way that other people don't. Sometimes that translates over the fighting and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes they just don't have the physical capability of it. They might have the mindset to survive war and the ability to get through buds

and to get through grueling physical training, but you ain't beating John Jones. There's levels to this thing. There's genetic levels. Jon Jones has some of the best genetics ever and then uses them as good as anybody that's ever existed. Best at controlling distance of all time. He's got two brothers that are NFL players.

So there's super genetics in the household. Both his brothers are NFL stars. That's amazing. And he's the baddest light heavyweight of all time. And he's smart. So it's not just physical. It's also intellectual. He also sets traps for people.

He measures them. He sees what they're doing. And he feels them weakening. He pressures them. He puts heavy pressure on people. He knows when to ebb and flow. He's just a genius at fighting. Do lightweights have longer careers?

No. No, I would say the opposite i would say uh the bigger guys actually have uh they they can compete at a higher level deep into their 30s and even 40s like randy couture i think i think he re-won the heavyweight title when he was 42 check because i would think there'd be more knockouts with heavyweights. There's a lot of knockouts with heavyweights. But their bodies maintain what got them to the dance later in life. Like George Foreman. George Foreman won the heavyweight title. I think he was 46 when he knocked out Michael Moore. He's like the oldest ever heavyweight champion.

And that's just unheard of at welterweight. You're not going to see 46-year-old welterweights winning the world title against Earl Spence Jr. or someone like that. You're just not going to see that. He's 43. He was 43? Randy was, yeah. And find out how old George Foreman was when he knocked out Michael Moore.

So that's crazy. That's crazy old, 43. You don't see that at 125 pounds. You just don't. You just don't. At 125 pounds, no one wins the title at 43 so just the mass almost helps you survive something like that i also think they lose less as they get older he was 44 45 so yeah george form was the oldest ever heavyweight champion at 45 crazy wow you didn't

that is so unusual as like a middleweight. The only one who maintained a world championship caliber skill set deep into his 40s was Bernard Hopkins. And Archie Moore when Archie Moore was younger. We're talking about the Rocky Marciano days. He fought deep into his 40s as well. But he was just a real crafty veteran. He actually also trained George Foreman, which is very interesting. veteran he actually also trained george foreman which is very interesting so like that crafty veteran trained george foreman to be a crafty veteran like yeah and maintain his power he had a real unusual i don't know if you remember but george foreman used to almost like put his hands

up like he didn't know how to fight like don't hit me don't hit me don't hit me almost like that but that was his defense he would move forward like this because he was so big. He was such an enormous man with these enormous arms. So when he would stack them on top of each other and walk towards you like that, it was this weird offense, and he learned that from Archie Moore. It was part of his defense and holding his hands up in a weird way. He learned from Archie Moore. Right. Well, you know, the oldest hockey player in the NHL

is also the biggest, 6'8", the guy Zidane Achara on the Bruins. 43? What's that name? What is his name? Zidane Achara.

He's Slovakian. Yeah. That dude was from the Lord of the Rings. Listen to that name. They gave birth to him in a meadow. They rode a horse out there

there was destiny they predicted how long he played when he was young yeah just that name he there he is he looks like a fucking viking he's an animal and he fights i saw oh yeah i saw this one fight where he hit a guy and the guy kind of took a dive and he he leaned down and picked him up with one hand and started punching him with the other. Lifted him off the ice with one hand. Oh, my God. Yeah. I saw one thing that a guy did that's really fucked up.

A guy hip-tossed a dude. He judo threw him. Like, he swept him. Like, he grabbed a hold of him, swept his leg out, kicked his leg out like an uchimata, and slammed his fucking head onto ground jesus it was rough yeah yeah i was like man that ain't the same as fighting like you you know you're on ice yeah he i mean no one told me couldn't do it right but he used some really fucking sneaky shit yeah you know yeah the the fighting in the natchL it's funny there's really great clips of guys talking to each other before fights and it's amazingly calm

they literally go like hey you wanna go and the guy will be like yeah I'll go and then they fight and then they as soon as the other guy goes yeah they just throw their gloves down and they start fighting it's all part of the game it's all fucking orchestrated and there's players that fight and there's players that don't and if

you're on the if you're on the ice with another goon then it's it's expected that you guys are going to fight at some point jesus yeah what a crazy way to make a living bare knuckle fighting on slippery floor yeah but you know they don't they don't get hit that much because they get the jersey up they do they get hit enough though. I've been watching dudes who have skills now. You're seeing way more guys who have boxing skill doing this. Guys who lay in short uppercuts and left hooks where you're like, oh, my God, that guy turned that punch over. That guy knows how to punch.

Yeah, there's not as many overhands. All you're doing with the overhands is hitting the guy in the helmet with your fist. Yeah, the flailing. Sometimes you don't see that. Sometimes you're seeing in the helmet with your fist. Yeah, the flailing. Sometimes you don't see that. Sometimes you're seeing guys who throw fucking straight punches. Yeah. Right. You don't know how to fight, and then this guy knows how to do that while he's out.

Yeah, this one. Look at this. Boom, boom, boom. See how best you can knock out foes at home. Whoa. Yeah, that's a good KO. While he's holed, and then he gives him one while he's going down. And then he goes down.

He's out cold. Yeah. Boom, boom, bang. He's knocking a few guys out. Yeah, he punches right from the shoulder. Oh, yeah, that guy can punch. You're punching in the face while he's punching you in the face, too. It's chaos.

It's a terrible way to punch people. Not only a great fighter, one of the best players in the league. Is he really? And also a great fighter? Wow. That's a crazy sport, man. It doesn't get enough love. Yeah.

Get the average person to name a famous hockey player who's currently playing. I know. This is the same guy. This crazy thing happened this year. This is an insane video to watch. I can't show it. People at home might have seen this, but the puck literally flies and hits him right in the face, and he barely moves.

I should show it again in slow motion right here. He checked to see if his teeth got knocked out. Oh, man. He got pucked right in the mug. Yeah. Bro, that is hard. Wow, that guy can take it. Fuck hitting that, dude.

This is insane. Dude, do you know the fucking Bruins, and they actually dropped game one last night against the Blues, but the Bruins are set to win the Stanley Cup, which means Boston will win the fucking Super Bowl, the World Series, and the Stanley Cup in one year. And remember when we lived there, they couldn't win shit. It was like they had such an inferiority complex. Yeah, yeah. And they would get close.

Like the Celtics were good. They had Larry Bird and Danny Ainge. But now they have it forever. Because like when was the last time the Yankees won the World Series? How long ago was that? Jeez, 2008? So it's been 11 years. I could be way off on that.

But they still have it. They're still the Yankees. But for the Red Sox, they never pulled it off. And then that Bill Buckner thing, Bill Buckner just died. I know. So sad. And that's the thing about being Buckner just died I know so sad and that's the thing about being in Boston

because I grew up a Mets fan we had season tickets to the Mets since I was a little kid and so when they got into the World Series and I was going to school in Boston surrounded by mass holes

watching these fucking games and they're just I'm sorry if you're from Boston take it the fuck easy about your sports they're so like last night with

the with the uh bruins game they uh they boo the entire they introduce the the blues they boo every fucking player it's just it's barbaric they're animals so then fucking buckner who's this storied amazing player who's a journeyman he's been out there forever they put him at first base he used to be an outfielder, but he slowed down. I think he had bad legs or something. So they put him at first base. He gets a fucking ball hit to him.

It took a bad hop. Watch the video. It took a bad hop. And he missed it. And they fucking, there were death threats. They dropped him that year. He went down to Pawtucket in Rhode Island

to play in the minors. They showed up there and fucking terrorized him. He had to move out to like Arizona to hide. Jesus Christ. Because of these fucking Boston fans. I remember people walking the streets. What year was that? 84?

86. 86? I remember people walking the streets. They'd just be walking around the neighborhood with their hands in their hair. Like, fuck. After they lost. they lost fuck yeah just walking the streets yeah people were so mad it was all anybody wanted to talk about all right because they hadn't won a world series since 2017 or something it was crazy i was already over 1917 yeah 1917 i was already over baseball at that point i wasn't interested in baseball anymore.

So for me, it was really fascinating to watch. Yeah. Watch these people. Because I had grown from caring about baseball to being obsessed with martial arts. And that was in the trend. Like, I got obsessed with martial arts in, like, 81. So by the time 86 rolled around, I was like, what the fuck are you people paying attention to? Yeah.

Some guy dropped a ball. You going to be okay? Yeah. Like, what is this? Not only that, but that same year, I believe it was that same year, the Mets, they went crazy. That same year, the Patriots lost to the Bears

in the Super Bowl. It was one of the biggest blowouts in Super Bowl history. Oh, yeah, that's right. So they were riding off of that, too. It was rough times. Rough times for Boston. Yeah. I don't want to live there because I can't deal with the cold.

I'm too much of a pussy these days. Yeah. But I love those fucking animals. Oh, Boston's the best. I fucking love Boston. They're different, man. Yeah. Yeah.

They're characters. They're different. They're different. Growing up there, I think for both of us, and to start our comedy careers there, I think it was insanely valuable because they're not taking any bullshit there they're not taking any half-assed act that's slow and meandering

and self-absorbed not happening no and it's still like that it's still like that I was just there and it's like they don't

here's what it is when you walk on stage in Boston the audience doesn't automatically by default give you credit for being in charge. Right. You have to earn it every time. Yep. Your first joke in Boston is fucking clutch.

You got to get up there and get a laugh fast. It's fucking cold there in the winter. It makes harder people. Yeah, that's right. It makes people that know how to get past that fucking hump. Yeah. That's a three-month hump where it sucks. You remember that.

Yeah, it's brutal. It's fucking windy. Getting down to stitches on fucking Comav. It's fucking freezing. Waiting for the T. Just trembling while you wait for the train. Outdoors. How about a fucking underground subway?

No. Outside. Outside. Outside. No underground. Fuck you. Everybody's smushed together. Everybody's freezing. outdoors how about a fucking underground subway no outside outside no underground fuck you yeah everybody's smushed together everybody's freezing every time the door opens everyone's fucking freezing fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you're getting your car in the morning to start it like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck yeah all right so cold and then they also have the it's it's an immigrant city too you know they had all the italians and the ir, they all came in and they fucking fought it out over real estate, where they were going to live, who's going to get the union jobs.

And it created a very tough, it's like Philly or the Bronx. There's just cities where they had that fighting at the turn of the century. Yeah, and I think it was the magical ingredient for stand-up. That's part of the magical ingredient. The magical ingredient wasn't just that there was guys like Barry Crimmins and Lenny Clark and- Steve Sweeney. And Sweeney and Don Gavin and Mike Donovan and all these brilliant comedians that we saw, that we were so lucky to see. It was also that they were being, their audiences were savages.

Yeah. So they're like, great, how about another joke? You know, great great how about another one like they're like keep coming keep coming with the jokes right jokes like they want joke joke joke like those guys like when you'd watch like lenny clark murder a room you there was no no one's getting a break there's no breathing room yeah you're just getting pounded yeah he's just smashing you right like those guys developed in that style where people just were constantly wanting to be amused like let's go let's go with the fucking meandering yeah they they want they want it

they want it with attitude they went anti-authoritarian attitude it was always like i remember kenny rogerson's joke of like uh i remember uh i'm not saying i was drinking a lot but i i drove into a lake. Got pulled over by the Coast Guard. They said, have you been drinking? I go, I'm in a lake. It was always just fuck you to authority, you know? Yeah, everything was like, so I'm doing a bump.

Yeah, everything was like doing lines and drinking and chaos john tobin who runs the uh laugh boston he's telling me this story he's a fucking if you ever want to hear gavin stories for an hour straight go to lunch with john tobin and bring a fucking handkerchief because he's got don gavin stories he's talking about how gavin who likes to drink white russians does a late show and goes up there and repeats a joke. And he walks off stage and one of the comedians goes, Don, you said the same joke twice up there. And he goes, record six.

Imagine saying the same joke six times. Oh my God. How drunk are you You're like on death's door You're like rubbing your face on the door of death Like hello let me in But it's also they're not giving a shit That he did it six times

He didn't give a fuck He still didn't give a fuck Last time I saw him still Don Gavin Hasn't slowed down drinking one hand Big smile on his face He's always been my favorite He's one of the greatest Of all time

In my opinion Yeah From what I've seen I mean he was so sharp In the 80s In the early 90s When we were around He was so sharp

His punchlines Would come one after the other And you didn't see him coming And they would just Catch you off guard Little offbeat punchlines Yeah yeah Little throwaways

Yeah Like throwaway line that was like some of the funniest shit you ever heard yeah that that whole bit that he used to do about going to a salad bar oh yeah oh my god yeah he was a murderer he goes up front they got chickpeas in the back he got the lobster giving you the finger we're just so lucky man we're so lucky we got to experience that. Because I think it's so different out here now. Like, where we're at now is like, like if comedy was an education,

we're hanging around with a bunch of tenured professors, right? In LA? Yeah. Everyone's got tenure. Everyone's like a, you know, whether it's Jessel Neck or, you know, Neil Brennan or you or whoever. It's just a gang of headliners, like a swamp of headliners.

But when we were doing it, man, it was so uncertain. There was not that thing where there was this established community of nationally touring stand-up comedians that you were around all the time you didn't have any no nobody had any TV credits nobody had

any TV credits not one headliner it was all about and the beauty of it was it was a total meritocracy because there were guys like

you know Gavin and Sweeney there was there were half a dozen guys that could draw and the rest of us were hired because

there was a comedy night. Somebody fucking hand drew comedy on a sign and put it in front of a Chinese restaurant. And you showed up and you got booked because the booker thought you could kill. Yeah. It's all that mattered was that you could do a good job. That's it. Can you do it? Can you go out there and pull it out?

Not what credits you have. No one cares. Not what fucking Twitter account you have. Once you got credits though, then you could do The Road. That was the difference. Yeah, to get out of Boston, you needed a credit. Yeah. When you're doing The Road, they all wanted to know what TV show you've been on.

They all wanted to know that. Yeah. Have you done Comedy Spotlight? What about Half Hour Comedy Hour? Have you done this? If you had HBO special, holy shit. Yeah. That was the bomb diggity.

You were headlining every club you wanted to. You know, this guy's got an HBO special, holy shit. Yeah. That was the bomb diggity. You were headlining every club you wanted to. This guy's got an HBO special. But back then, everyone that we knew had nothing. I remember Bud Friedman came to town in the early 90s when it was Evening at the Improv was like the original strip shot stand-up comedy show. They put A&E on the map. It was their first big show. Yeah. And I remember he came to town and there was a showcase at Duck Soup.

And we all went up. And then Bud Friedman, who's a fucking great guy, takes us all out to dinner afterwards. And sits us down. And he goes through each of us. He goes, you did a great job. You need a little bit more work. I like that bit you did. And he gets a Dave Fitzgerald, and he goes, you got it.

You're doing the show. And we were just all like, fuck, man. Fitzgerald is one people thought they forgot about. He was very funny. Yeah, he was great. Very funny. Tight. Great drinking stories.

Yeah. He's another guy that found his stage legs during Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. That's right. There's a few of those guys. He's like, you know, they say you go to AA meetings and you end up just getting addicted to coffee. Yeah. I never walked out of a Dunkin' Donuts with a wildebeest on my arm. My arm.

My arm. My arm. And the more Boston accent you had in Bostonoston the more they loved you yeah you know all right lenny was the only one who had legitimate credits because at that time like even in the 80s lenny had already been on rodney dangerfield special the hbo yeah yeah i think when i worked with them it was after he had been on rodney dangerfield so i i had lenny on like three weeks ago four weeks ago he was a fucking hilarious he's still so funny man yeah he's all healthy now totally sober exercises but uh i opened up for him like the second time i ever got paid and i think it

was after he had already been on hbo i think it was like right afterwards. That's early. He was partying with Kennison and he was in the middle of his run where he got his television show out here. He talked about that too, about how he got ripped off. His agent stole all of his money. No shit. You don't know that story? No. Oh my God, I'll send you the link. Fuck.

I don't want to repeat the story because you want to hear him say it. Wow. There was a big scandal. I think it was called Spotlight Agency. I forget what the agency was. Oh, yeah, Spotlight. Remember they stole everybody's money? Yep.

Yeah, they stole everybody's money. Yeah, one agent just snuck away. Yeah, they used to book a lot of colleges and stuff. But there's a story about how Jim McCauley, who booked The Tonight Show forever, he'd heard about Boston, and he's like, and they're telling him, and this is back in like maybe the mid-80s, and they're telling him about how

you got to go to Boston. All the great comics are in Boston now. You got to talk about all the names we just said. So he sets up a showcase at the, what was that Chinese restaurant that was like the original room? Which one? Kowloon no before way back oh the ding ho ding ho yeah they set up a showcase of the ding ho and all the guys come down and they're in the green room and they're drinking they're doing blow they're cracking each

other up and they all go up there and they do fucking you know local references and they're doing jokes about the boston accent and macaulay's just sitting there going what the fuck is going on here and then stephen wright goes up and he does stephen wright and ed they find out a couple days later nobody got it except stephen wright and stephen wright at that time lenny told him i think it was Lenny, one of them sat Stephen Wright down and goes, Steve, you're a sweet guy. You're a terrific kid.

This isn't for you. Because he used to bomb in Boston because he was monotone and he was doing his shtick and it didn't play in Boston the way it did for these guys. They told him you should stop. And then he got the Tonight Show.

They fly him out. He does a set. Johnny liked him so much, they Oh, my God. And then he got the Tonight Show. They fly him out. Oh, my God. He does a set. Johnny liked him so much, they said, can you stay another week? Did another spot. And in that first year, he must have done four Tonight Shows, and he became fucking huge. He got a special out of it. And they're all sitting at home going like, I fucking killed that night.

He didn't kill. Yeah. Whoops. Telling him to quit He didn't kill. Yeah. Whoops. Telling them to quit. That's hilarious. Yeah. Comedy had only been around for 30 years. Yeah.

How are you telling them to quit? Nobody knows how to do it yet. Right. You don't imagine? I'm an expert in this. You got to quit. Like nobody, nobody could really tell you that you can never figure it out. Because comedy is not that different than anything else.

And that if you really put a lot of time and effort and attention to it, you get better at it. So if you got any laughs at all, you can get, you might not be doing it the right way, but that's part of the process, right? Yeah, I think George Carlin said no matter how bad a comedian is, there's always one joke in his act that I go, God, I wish I wrote that joke. And if you have that one joke, it means you're capable of writing one. Yes. And sometimes your life changes and it puts you in a different space that makes you a better comedian, whether it's your performance or your writing. But we go and comedy is it's a you're displaying what's going on inside of you. When you're on stage on some level, your anger, your fear, whatever it is, it comes out in your performance.

Yeah. And so if something changes fundamentally in your life, sometimes it's getting married, sometimes your father dies, whatever, you see people change. They get sober. And they can suddenly get good. Yeah. It can happen. It's like anything else in your life if you run into someone they lost 100 pounds like what the fuck you lost 100 pounds how did you do it i just made a change i just decided i'm not doing that anymore i'm gonna

live my life different and then i started riding that momentum and then here we are right 16 months later yeah that could happen with anything i remember jim norton when he started wasn't that funny struggled and all sudden boom found his voice he's fucking great yeah it's weird when someone can't find their voice right it's like there's that uncertainty of life just like is this gonna work out yeah am i wasting my time then you find it yeah or not or not you know and again it's dependent also about how good are you at recognizing when you're fucking up how good are you do you gloss over mistakes or do you examine them and learn from them yeah because if you gloss over god damn it takes forever to figure it out because you got to play little games with yourself and pretend you

didn't do bad so if you didn't do bad you didn't do bad, you don't feel bad. If you don't feel bad, you're not going to change. Yeah. That's part of the reason that exists, that horrible feeling when you fuck something up. Like, ugh. That is, so that's the biological buzz. Like, hey, fuckface, you lost. This is bad.

Figure this out. But if you can lie to yourself, you don't feel that buzz. You're like, oh, no,. This is bad. Figure this out. But if you can lie to yourself, you don't feel that buzz. You're like, oh, no, I'm doing fine. It was amazing. The crowd sucked. Well, that's why getting sober can affect that change because that's ultimately what sobriety is. If you have a problem, you keep lying to yourself and you go, I'm fine.

It was just last night. I'm not going to do that again. Yeah. Or you can say, it was that crowd. And then you'll see them struggle in some sort of weird way. But comedy is so ebb and flow, dependent on day to day. It's like talking to people. Talking to people on a day to day basis.

The people are different day to day. They subtly this way or that way. And when you get enough people in a fucking room and they're drinking, it's weird. And then maybe you're a little tired and then it comes off strange. You're like, God, that set sucked. I need to get another set under my belt.

And then the next set, you're like, boy, I don't want it to be like that last set. So I'm going to fire the fuck up. And then, Oh, this one was good.

Good. Good. Let me relax now. Just, I don't have to work that hard. I already had that last set so i'm gonna fire the fuck up and then oh this one was good good good let me relax now just i don't have to work that hard oh this set sucked yeah motherfucker and then you're like okay we're playing this game are we yeah that's the process yeah and if there i never have a better set than after a bad set yeah always you're on your toes yeah i try to play a little game with myself where I pretend I just ate shit. Oh, really?

Before I go on stage, I pretend I just ate shit. It gives me a chance to redeem myself. Let's go. Wow. Yeah. I play little games with myself sometimes. I had,

last night I had, who was sitting in the crowd? Oh, Andy Kindler was sitting in the crowd with- That son of a bitch. Sorry, Andy. I'm just kidding andy and uh i love andy and who the fuck else was out there oh and uh harlan williams who are both like such interesting comedians that they're watching me and you feel i usually don't give a fuck who's

watching me but last night was the improv and it was like nobody there and i felt like i can't mail it in with a regular set i gotta fuck around here a little bit and i had just had a fucking great set because it it made me dig in a little bit yes yes that's one of the really good aspects about the comedy store these days too is that there's always people that you respect in the room yeah there's always someone there right you know there's always ron white's there you know sebastian gave me a big compliment the other night on one of my jokes that felt nice yeah sebastian's a guy that struggled struggled did he early on yeah he had a hard time had a hard time finding his voice and uh i didn't

get a chance to see how good he had become and i watched him on showtime in a hotel room in vegas i was there for a ufc or something and i watched uh sebastian at a showtime special and i was like god damn this is good i think i tweeted about it i either tweeted it or i emailed him i don't remember which but i was like that is fucking he's fucking good yeah yeah he's really good I watched him at the store the other night. I mean, Jesus, he is bigger than life up there. He just dominates the room. He's very good. And it took a while. It took a while for him to find that thing.

And it happened while I was not around the comedy store. I really didn't get a chance to see his sets. So before he was funny. He was funny. But he would have good sets and bad sets. He was kind of struggling a little bit. But then he found it. Yeah.

Just took his time, worked hard, always hustled, found it. Dude, Jesselnik's last special is so fucking good. He's so good. I mean, it's like I've always liked him. I've always enjoyed watching him. And I don't watch people's whole hour, rarely, but I've always watched his whole hours. His writing is just so intensely – he's he's a craftsman he works hard and oh there it is 2013 dude carter special hotel room laughed my ass off let's podcast you sexy bitch

yeah that was so that was 2013 i had been uh still out of the. I'd been out of the store for like, at that point, shit, that was six years. I hadn't been in the store in six years. Special was excellent. I just love guys like him and Harlan's one of those guys too, that their comedy is very specific to them. Like Brody was a great example of that. Brody's comedy is so specific to them. Like, Brody was a great example of that. Brody's comedy is so specific to Brody. Like, if you say, 818 till I die. Like, why is that funny?

But to you and I, you immediately got a smile thinking about Brody saying it. His comedy was so specific to him. I was a male model in Pakistan. I was on the cover of Camel Beat he was so funny we would ask him to do those jokes too please do the male model joke you'd yell out to him

Brody did you ever do any modeling? funny ask Rogan supportive I go Brody how did you get to the store tonight? La Cienega, north. Took it to San Vicente. He would just say names of roads in LA for five minutes. And it was funny for whatever reason.

Yeah. God, I miss that guy. He was like, to me, it was always like he was trying to make people laugh and he was also trying to blow himself up. He was trying to fill himself up. Yeah. It was like he was doing self-affirmations with his comedy. He wasn't boasting. He was trying to convince himself that he was good enough to be up there.

Forever in my office, I had a photo, a laminated photo that said Office Depot Employee of the Month. And it was Brody. And he took this photo. It was like what he was using as a headshot. That's great. And I kept it just to give a smile when I was writing. I put it up on my little cork board. Wow.

See if you can find that, man. I needed to get another one of those. I don't know what the fuck happened to it. When he died, I've never seen, I don't think i've ever seen a turnout for a comedian dying is that it the way his memorial that's exactly that was laminated in my office please do me a favor and and print that up and let's get it get that turned into another one that i put in my office because i somewhere in the move from um this studio from the old studio to this studio, I lost it. But I always had that in my office.

Just to look at, just because Brody was just so Brody. Yeah, he was just open, raw. And he was one of those guys where you really have to be there. You have to see him. Yeah. Like, he's not, he doesn't translate. No one translates 100, that's the dirty little secret about comedy specials.

You don't translate 100% of what you're experiencing when you're in that room. That's why your writing has to be even sharper and your act outs have to be even sharper. Everything has to be tightened down because you're not experiencing the physical presence of all the audience members and the comedian all in this room together because it's an intangible right so if like going to see you live at the wilbur theater if that's a hundred

percent watching you on netflix is like 80 yeah you take away all the other people there's no other people there it's just you you can pretend they're there but they're not there so you don't have that feeling of being in a public place with a bunch of other people which lights you up and then

you don't have the comic that you came to see right in front of you you don't have that you don't have the air you're all sharing the same air you're all in the room together you feel each other

in some sort of a weird way so it's like 20% of every show but with Brady there's even more there's also the momentum of like, if you come to a comedy show, you're surrounded by people that have an agenda to laugh.

They got a babysitter, they paid money, they sat down, they are motivated to laugh. And so now you're surrounded by, if you're the Wilbur Theater, you got a thousand people that all have that energy together.

You're sitting in your underwear under a blanket on a couch watching a show show yeah it's it's 80 though for the most part yeah maybe might be in the 70s 79 what's the best stand-up comedy special of all time in your mind they're era dependent the thing about them is none of them really last. They're not, it's, comedy is one of the most rapidly depreciating art forms in the culture in terms of its staying power. Try and watch a movie we loved in the 80s. Try to watch a comedy movie. I know, I try to with my kids all the time and they look at me and they go, why are you

showing me? Garbage. Yeah. Yeah. A few of them stand you showing me? Garbage. Yeah. Yeah. A few of them stand up. Blues Brothers. Yeah. But does it really?

It stands up because it's a classic, but if it came out today, would it be that much of a classic? Probably not. Probably not. Things change. They evolve. In comedy, they evolve rapidly and they're unforgiving. I always say Lenny Bruceuce who i think is the main guy that started this whole thing he started it i mean there was other guys that were kind of doing

it you know there's mort saw there's a few guys who were doing you know some similar stuff i'm sure that didn't become famous but as far as guys that became famous at that time who were genuinely regarded almost universally as being brilliant comedians lenny bruce was the mac daddy like he was a guy who did all the television shows he did all those shows and they wanted him to come on and he was brilliant he would go on there with great material and it was clean and then he morphed you know he just kept expanding and morphing and got more into drugs and just started just just at the end of his career was really losing his fucking mind he was just fighting these obscenity cases yeah and he was

taught going on stage there's videos of him you could watch videos of him of that you could buy that i bought vhs tapes of back in the day where he would read the transcripts of his trial on stage and people were like tell jokes yeah come on where's the fucking jokes like in the end he just completely went off the rails right but his his steps i think were the first steps of modern stand-up comedy so anything he did was the greatest thing of all time back then and you watch it now and it doesn't hold up it does not hold up at all. Does not hold up at all. No. But neither does a lot of other, but Pryor holds up. Pryor holds up. Yeah, Pryor holds up.

Hicks holds up, but in a weird way. Yeah. Hicks holds up in a way where you're realizing, like, wow, this guy was doing some shit that no one else was doing back then. Like Young Man on Acid realized that life is just, you know that whole bit that he does about positive stories in the news.

I don't remember exactly how the bit works, but it's a hilarious bit. Like, that's a brilliant bit. Yeah. Well-crafted bit. He had a lot of those. Old people should do stunts in movies. Yes. Yeah.

That was, yeah. I mean, he had some great shit, man. They were great bits. He was a different guy. shit man they were great bits he was a different guy what he did is he like made people um in the audience think about ideas that you probably wouldn't have thought about if not for his act and he challenged you to be smarter like there was part of that one of the things that hicks was doing it's like he was he's like kinnison went this way right kinnison was like ronald reagan's the fucking president and and we're going to kick ass!

Woo! He went, but he was also smart, and he had great points. The only reason why that bit about the African people that were starving to death, that bit about those late night television shows, which is one of his darkest bits ever, and one of his best bits, but it worked because he he was smart because he had points that were irrefutable it wasn't just these african kids starving death let me tell you what's funny about that nothing's funny about that it was him saying why don't you feed him you're right there and then and then he would have these kind of bits that were fucked up but they were so well crafted

you're like Jesus this guy this is so good and so for then he was the greatest of all time when Kinnison came along man he was a motherfucker no one had ever seen anything like that before yeah I remember how much you were affected by him you and Mike McDonald

Mike McCarthy the comedy barbarian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we both were huge Kinison fans. He just made me think, oh, that's comedy too. I didn't know you could do that. That's a different thing.

This guy's screaming, I was married! Twice! Ow! Ow! And he was fat and he had a beret on and an overcoat. Dude, he would come into the Stern show drunk after being up all night and do, without a doubt,

the best Stern appearances of all time. He's an animal. Yeah. You know his story, too, right? He's a preacher, right? You know what flipped him, though? What? Head injury, hit by a car.

No shit. Yep, him and Roseanne, both the same story. Wow. Yep. There's something about traumatic brain injuries that lead to a lot of people being extremely impulsive, and they wind up doing a lot of wild shit. Dude, T.J. Miller. And they can't control themselves.

Yeah? He had some kind of a brain thing happen to him, and he got treated for it, and he recovered, but that's when he started acting kind of erratic. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. It happens. People get irrational and you get impulsive. You get very impulsive.

It happens with ex-football players, ex-fighters. Right. But that's what happened to Sam. He got hit by a car. His brother wrote a book about it called Brother Sam, his brother Bill. And that's one of the things he talks about. Like Sam was like this normal kid. He gets hit by a fucking car.

And then all of a sudden, he's this wild man, like a wild demon, no control. Yeah. Just didn't give a fuck. Right. You know? That's a guy that I wish I met. I'm like, fuck. God damn, I really wanted to meet that guy.

We met Hicks, though. We did meet Hicks. Yeah, briefly. We saw him. We were in the room with him. We didn't hang out with him. We said hi to him in the green room. That was about it.

Hi. Yeah. Hi. I always think of that when a young comic comes in the green room to say hi to me. I always think, fucking be nice to this kid because this means more to him than you can imagine. Fuck yeah. Just the fact that Hicks acknowledged I was alive. Yeah.

I know. Yeah. We got an amazing comedy education my friend yeah it's so lucky to have a job where you could say what you want to and you don't have to worry like that poor lpga guy poor golf guy gets suspended well especially now because like it really tv doesn't matter being banned from tv doesn't end your career anymore. No. You know, look at fucking, Jim Jefferies says some shit that's fucking crazy. He says this whole bit about rape that's like,

I couldn't believe they, it was on Sirius XM radio the other day. And like, you know, his show got canceled. He's got another fucking show. But without those, it doesn't matter. You get your shit up on the internet. You do a podcast. You tour. You don't ever have to do the tonight show again you don't have to do you know yeah there was only a few avenues back then yeah now it's infinite so it has to be good yeah you

just have to be interesting or not even man i mean there's a lot of fucking people that just do makeup tutorials and they make millions the world's crazy yeah crazy Don't think that it's supposed to be fair Like all those guys back in Boston Hey what the fuck I killed that night Same thing Don't think this world's supposed to be fair No one knows what the fuck is going on This kid is making 30 million dollars reviewing toys on YouTube

Yep that's just how it is Cause he loves toys and that's what he started doing What do you love? Do it Just that's how it is Like you he loves toys and that's what he started doing. What do you love? Do it. Just that's how it is. You getting upset about that doesn't help anybody. Yeah, the kid makes 30 million reviewing toys. Go figure it out.

Figure your thing out. Yeah. Don't get him mad at the kid. Fuck that kid. Yeah. I got money. I just want one million a year. That's all I want from you.

Come on, kid. Hey. You can give it to me. You're not even going to use it. You're seven. I was a veteran. You got some veteran reviewing toys online. You can give it to me. You're not even going to use it. You're seven. I was a veteran. You got some veteran reviewing toys online. Got 12 years.

This toy is for good little queers. This fucking doll. This little doll. This fucking soldier never saw the shit. I saw the shit. Yeah, this fake G.I. Joe bullshit fucking soldier. Yeah, what is the next thing like it's not veterans reviewing toys it's not gonna be that but what would be the next thing the next thing so i think it's got to be it's got to be something that lets people interact more.

That's what people are looking for. I mean, you've got social apps, but how do you take a social app and make it something that you sit down and watch every day as programming? Right. How do you do that? What's the clip show? Who's the host that can take social media and do, like what TalkSoup did with video, with cable, cable TV shows?

Yeah. How do you capture social media and present it to people in a way that is more linear. Well, the thing is, like, everybody's sort of agreeing that social media is insanely addictive and that people are sort of in denial about it. Most people have a real issue with it. Yeah. Most people that I know are addicted to their phones. They stare at their phones all day. They can't help it.

They're drawn to the next text message. They want the next tweet, whatever it is. Yeah. They want to see that next Facebook post, that Instagram post. They're addicted to the next text message. They want the next tweet, whatever it is. Yeah. They want to see that next Facebook post, that Instagram post. They're addicted to it. And what we're doing is making it more addictive. They're making it better, right? Everything keeps getting better.

The cameras keep getting better. The apps are better. right everything keeps getting better the cameras keep getting better the apps are better the algorithms they figure out how long it should take to reload and to move to another page and when to present the next the next graphic that all that stuff is the same guys that figured out how slot machines should work in vegas to keep you putting quarters into them yeah they figure out how often you need to win and how loud the bells should be. And then they extract your data. Right.

And then they sell that data. And then they make infinite amounts of money. And they want to keep you on the tit. And so they're going to keep that tit juicy with all kinds of new stuff. What about these anti-vaxxers? They're moving into your neighborhood. What? Fuck they are.

Next thing you know, you're embroiled in a Facebook anti-vax debate that keeps you up in the middle of the night. You go back to check the post. What the fuck did he write? What the fuck did he write? Oh! Yeah. I'm just going to go to sleep, and now I'm going to let him know.

I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. How many people are just ready to blow their fucking brains out, stand in front of the computer at night, and arguments with people on Facebook? Yeah. First of all, that is one of the worst ways to communicate. I understand that it's a really effective way to communicate, but just text messages, just text, just writing things, it's like one of the crudest ways that we know.

You might as well send a raven. Yeah. Really. Right. Wrap a fucking piece of paper around that raven's foot and send it, and I'll read it. Okay, this is what he means. Yeah. Like, we could talk to each other now.

We should limit the amount of texting we do. I really think that. Well, what about video texts? Yeah, I haven't seen much of that. A lot of people. Like, hey, Joe, what's happening, man? Give me a call later. Send.

That's because you're white. Yesterday, Wiz Khalifa was here, and he was saying that everybody FaceTimes now. Oh, yeah? And I know this for a fact, because I was taking a shit when Killer Mike FaceTimed me. So he is also a member of that prestigious community. And yeah, they're FaceTiming each other now, which I'm for. Yeah, that's great. That's better.

That's better. That's connecting everybody. That's better. No, you called me on the phone yesterday. Yes. And you were like, that's it. I'm done with texting. the phone yesterday. Yes. And you were like, that's it. I'm done with texting. I'm only calling it.

And I was like, that's what fucking Joey Diaz does. Yeah, I'm doing that now. Joey gets offended and almost angry if you email him. I mean, I'll text people details for things and addresses and stuff like that. But if it's somebody I like, I want to talk to them. Say hi. And there's another thing that's happened. When you keep in touch with people with text, you realize how rarely you talk to them on the phone.

Mm-hmm. You know? And there's a few of my friends that I hardly ever see. Yeah. So I've been trying to make time for, like, dinner plans, go to hang out with, you know, friends. Right. And just instead of just always working. Yeah.

So, like, I'm always – every, like, plan that I make in terms of what I do with my time is either family related or work related. Yeah. And I feel like I've got to like reach out to friends more in like a one-on-one face-to-face sort of way. It was just this comprehensive study that started in the 1930s by Harvard University about what causes happiness. And the number one thing was friendship. Yeah. People talk about family. They talk about work.

And you overlook community. You know, friendship means it's almost like, like, sometimes I feel like I really love my wife. I got so fucking lucky. She, I hear her voice and I get happy. When she walks in the door, I jump up. I want to talk to her. But to the point where on a Saturday night, we just go out to dinner.

We just go do something during the day. We just hang out. And sometimes I think I should be spending more time with friends, you know, especially since then I can talk shit about her. There you go. It's a good call. But you know,

it's really, it really is like, you know, you don't carve out that time. And this study said that gratitude and friendship are the two main things for happiness. Well, it's great that you're married to your friend. Yeah. That's beautiful, too.

Right. You know, when you have friends, when you have people that you can confide in and talk to, you have different perspectives, different points of view. I mean, it's always best if it's in your house like if it's your wife it would be amazing you know i'm very very pro getting your shit together in terms of uh like the the way you run a relationship right like how nice are you how how how well do you guys get along and i think it should extend not just to your like your spouse but also to like all your friends like how nice are your friends like what how little bullshit do you give them how much compliments do you give them how much

how objective are you with the way you guys interact with each other how often do you tell them that you care about them yeah how often you take them for granted i'm very pro analysis and i think all of us could we could do well to analyze like how we interface with each other because i think most most problems that people have they it's like one thing happens then this thing happens and that thing happens but if the first thing didn't happen, would the second thing have happened? If the first slight didn't happen, if the first way you greeted someone was with a big smile and a handshake, and maybe the whole conversation would have rolled in a totally different way. And then afterwards, someone would have said, hey, I thought you were mad at Greg.

You know what? I was, but the way he came over and shook my hand and smiled at me, I'm like, who cares? What am I worried about? Whereas if you came over with an attitude, oh, guy and then he's like oh that fucking guy hasn't dropped it yet yeah we're still we're still arguing about the stupid fucking thing you know i'm right no you know it's half of it is the way we interact with each other right male female boy boy whatever the fuck it's just human beings half of the way human beings like the the way things go half of it is how we interact with each other yeah the energy like i go to the comedy store sometimes and if i show up and like i show

up three minutes before my spot and then i park the car and i'm walking in and somebody i like will say hi to me you know i'll see uh you know dove david off or somebody i haven't seen in a while and he says what's up and i kind of brush past him because i'm late yeah that fucks up the relationship because that person feels like oh i thought i meant a lot to that guy right so it's like i gotta show up early yeah and be and think before i walk in be available to people because you know it's it is you're right it can be very subtle how you shake someone's hand how you like don't hug them or hug them yep yep a friend of mine goes the other day uh we play beach volleyball on sundays that's my big social thing is we 15 years i've been playing with the same guys yeah that's great

exercise too it's great and we call ourselves the shirts because we're the only guys on the beach playing with our shirts on and And we're fucking terrible. We never get any better. And so we go out, and I hugged. I showed up, and I hugged everybody. And then this one guy, Evan, goes to me. He goes, you know, I don't think you should hug everybody all the time. I think a hug should be like for a special moment

so it actually means something. And I go, you have intimacy problems, and don't fucking put them on me. I won't hug you, but I'm fucking hugging everybody else. I love it. I love a moment where I can hug somebody. The comedy store should be called the Hug Festival. Yeah, right. That place is all about hugs.

Everyone's always hugging everybody. Yeah. You know, the more people that you can have like that in your life the more people that you want to hug the better off you are yeah that's you know a community of people that you actually care about i hug the shit out of my kids yeah it bums me out when people don't like to yeah it bums me out when people don't like to to hug their kids and other kids it's a bummer it's a real bummer you know when you know someone who doesn't like being a parent it's it's rough yeah because you know you you know that that feeling it's it's all i mean

it's one of the things about having children do you realize it's all about trying to foster love it's all about that it's all about you want them to be loving people that meet other loving people it's like this is possible this is possible if this family can get along and we all love each other and care about each other so much why can't the human race why can't all these people get along better why can't they they can in the ideal circumstances you're you're under ideal circumstances and most people aren't well it's fear i think that that's what keeps people from being vulnerable yeah and hugging and expressing how they feel about each other and supporting like unconditioned unconditional love is getting rid of the fear yeah you can't be afraid that this

love is going to turn on you and this person's going to hurt you right and you have to have had that happen a few times so you're like like, well, I know what that is. Yeah. I must have been annoying. Right. Yeah. Listen. Analysis.

It's part of the problem. Yeah. We're all part of the problem. Yeah, man. I think it's an interesting time for people to communicate, though. I don't think anybody has ever really gotten to the bottom of things in later, I mean, in the past, the way people are trying to get to the bottom of things now. There's a lot of noise. What do you mean, emotionally?

I think emotionally, the way we communicate with each other, even the way people are examining government and examining foreign policy and examining the office of the president and examining voting and the electoral process and there's there's things that people are analyzing now and looking at i think because of all the the chaos of the internet we kind of lose sight of all the crazy shit that it's doing like it's doing so many different things and changing things so much that it's it's rewiring the way people are looking at the world itself yeah and that's why all these fucking drugs are getting legalized a giant part of why psilocybin is getting legalized now it's decriminalized in denver marijuana is being decriminalized left and right. It's because people here, people like you and me and anyone else that has a brain that understands about

drug laws, hear them talking about it and you go, this is crazy. You can't lock people up for mushrooms and you should take them. Yeah. You should fucking take them. They'll probably fix your brain. They'll probably give you a new perspective and make you realize you were

being a dick. It's half of what's wrong with us. Right. We're, we're just worried about how we interface with each other and we get off on the wrong foot so you're saying the internet is giving people insights and information that's changing the way we live i think so for sure i think the access to information because the stream is so large so much nonsense comes through it that you you lose perspective of all the positive changes taking place because of the internet. All these drug legalization things I don't think would ever be possible without all of the information that's been distributed online, whether it's through videos or through people talking about it or podcasts or comedy routines or just facts with facts-based news organizations. or just facts with facts-based news organizations.

Start putting it. Here's the real facts about marijuana and fatalities, and these are the real facts about where the money's going, how it's going right now to fund cartels, and how this is crazy because we're literally creating an organized crime empire because we're making something that everybody wants. Yeah. Right. All that stuff is available now.

You can't squash it with... Well, prostitution, what we were just talking about. Yes, that's another one. You can't squash it with propaganda. Yeah. Like they couldn't... They could just kind of decide what narrative gets played out in newspapers. Right.

You can't do that anymore. Well, did you read that article I sent you about stories versus facts? Yes, I did. And it's the... Noah Yuval Haradi. Right. Yes. The guy that wrote Sapiens.

And it basically says that, you know, stories trump facts and that basically we are a culture, the human species, has always believed the myth, whether it's religion or whether it's a political dogma, that we are more apt to ignore facts that don't support a story. Because telling facts, being factual, is difficult, because sometimes that fact doesn't jibe with what you thought was true, and now you have to rectify that, and that's hard. And so it's easier for us to just say, you know, we're all, Jesus came, and when we die, our sins will be forgiven and we're supposed to do this. And then if facts come up to negate how long ago man, you know, all the things we know from archaeology that negate everything that's in the Bible, then the story, you still have

60% of our country doesn't believe that they think the planet is 6,000 years old. I think it's 46%. Yeah. Yeah. 46% of the country thinks that. But they only think of it in terms of they won't denounce the Bible. Do they really? I mean, if you had a gun to their head, do they really think that?

I don't think it's that high. I think it's a lot of horseshit. I think there's a lot of people that say, if that's what the Bible says, is that what the Bible says? That's what the Bible says. I want to believe the story. What did you tell him, Bert? I told him, that's what the Bible says, Mama. Good boy! There's a lot of that. And then he's with his friends, and he cracks open

a beer, and he's like, what the fuck does my Mama know about how old the fucking Earth is? She barely knows how old she is. And they're just drinking. Now, a lot of people go to church on Sunday because culturally that's what you do. Yeah. It doesn't mean they subscribe to all that stuff. But then you got, you know, every four years the government puts out an environmental study that is done by, I think, 12 different departments in the government.

And it's considered the quintessential update on where the environment is internationally. Yeah. It's considered the quintessential update on where the environment is internationally. And that came out in November, and it was damning about pollutants. And the administration put it out on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving at 3 o'clock in the morning, and they buried it. And in it is everything about global warming you ever needed to know. And they're no longer calling it global warming they're they're no longer calling um uh it's no longer fossil fuel it's freedom what is the new thing they're calling it freedom freedom juice something like that jesus come they're literally changing the name of fossil fuels this is the trump administration

yeah gas natural gas is being rebranded to freedom gas wow this is like some team america world police type shit and it's like people that want to deny global warming it's like the facts are there in unrefutable i don't think anybody's denying that the planet's warming. Right. I think they're denying how much of an impact human beings have and whether or not it's worth changing the way we do in industry. Yeah. You know? And whether or not we need to impose more restrictions on exhaust fumes

and, I mean, factories. How much? You ever drive by a factory factory you see that pillowing smoke in the air you're like how the fuck are we allowing that yeah like there's places to this day where you drive there and you go oh this group gets to pollute the air that the babies breathe yeah they do for this business whatever the fuck they're doing what are they making tires they get to pollute the air yeah i mean what is the worst polluter like when you drive by a factory and you see the the black smoke shooting in the sky like what the fuck are they doing dude cruise ships oh my god i think

i read they're the number one polluter we did a thing where we were trying to – who was it with? Someone was explaining how much devastation cruise ships do in terms of the amount of fuel that they burn and the impact that they have and the fact – oh, it was Valentin Thomas. Was it her? Sounds – maybe, yeah. I can check. They were talking about Like each cruise ship Like how much actual fuel they burn off It's preposterous I think I read they're the biggest burners of fossil fuels

In the world It's a giant fucking metal thing in the water Yeah You ever try to push a fucking rowboat? It's a lot of work It's a lot of work What assholes are people Where they built something like the Titanic

Like just what kind of an asshole says, not only am I going to make it out of metal, can we just use a bunch of small boats and get people? Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I'm going to make the biggest, biggest boat ever. And when I write on it, even God can't sink it. I'm Noah. Imagine what an asshole you have to be to write, even God can't sink it. Yeah.

On the side of the boat. Oh, is that what they wrote? Yes. Oh, that's hilarious. Wasn't that? That's a fact, right? Oh, that's funny. That better not be an urban myth.

I think it said on the side of the Titanic, even God can't sink it. Yeah. Yeah. They weren't one of these people to be excited and they're going nowhere cruise ship just going nowhere well it was something

to do back then yeah imagine living back then oh oh no the Titanic was no air conditioning

oh that was no TV yeah what year was that fuck Titanic 1920s yeah the roaring 20s

the remaking one and setting it out Titanic 2 it's gonna go on the same did it say what i think it said that's a quote someone said an employee i don't know if it was written on it i thought it was written on it 1911 oh it's a launch coat it was 1911 quote rather 1911 yeah fuck living then it's more than 100 years ago what kind of cave people were they back then we were so what kind of cave people were they back then? Wait, what? I said,

what kind of cave people were they back then? Yeah. They didn't even have x-ray machines. How the fuck did they sit your broken leg? What'd they do? Yeah.

This is the thing on the cruise ships. It's a video about how much they pollute. Whoa. One ship, watch a cruise ship pollute as much as

13 million cars in one day is what this video is called. Wow. No shit. Whoa. Holy shit. Whoa. Holy shit. It's gotten so much bigger over time. Holy shit.

19 million cars. Well, let's just ban cruise ships. Wow. Trump. Is there a Trump cruise ship? Why doesn't he have a cruise ship? Only because he hasn't thought of it yet. He's going to hear this podcast.

Ha ha. Let's wrap this up because I've got to pee really bad. Gregory, you'll be with me tonight at the Improv. Can't wait. Two So About Shows. Good times with Monty Franklin, Ali McCroskey. You got some dates? Got some dates coming up, people.

I'm going to be in lovely Atlanta at the Punchline June 6th. Oh, shit. Punchline's back? It's back. It's in a different location. How is it? It's back. It's in a different location. How is it? It's great. It's more intimate.

Ooh. Nice. And then I'll be in Tampa at Sidesplitters on June 13th to the 15th, and then I will be in Buffalo, New York at Helium Comedy Club June 27th through the 29th. Go to FitzDawg.com for tickets. The podcast is FitzDawg Radio. And then Childish is my other podcast with Alison Rosen. How fucking professional is he?

It's like you do it for a living. Oh, wait. All right. Bye, everybody. How long was that?