The Joe Rogan Experience - #1328 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

Whitney Cummings is a stand up comedian, actress, writer, and producer. Check out her new stand up special "Can I Touch It?" that is now streaming on Netflix.

She has more lifelike eyes. Boom. And we're, here we go, we're going. Whitney Cummings is here, and Whitney Cummings 2. What do you call her? What's your name? What's your name? She's like a little kid.

Just repeats her name. Like his other comedy albums, which typically mix songs with non-musical... She's talking about Adam Sandler. Oh. She's broken. Don't know why. That's his album name she's like series oh what's your name was a comedy album of adam sandler's so she started rambling about it she really wants to chime in so you never gave her a name her name is bear claw whoa because i have this... Hey, bear claw. Can you say hi?

Of course I can say that. Hi. People are like, listening to this going, what in the fuck is going on here? Do not smoke weed and watch this episode. What is here is, when it's people

that are just listening, if you're just listening, you probably should stop this and go to YouTube and watch the YouTube version, because Whitney brought a robot that they made for her recent comedy special, which is called Can I Touch It? It's out right now on Netflix.

And they made, who makes this? What's the name of the company? So Real Doll makes the body. They make sex dolls, straight up sex dolls. Straight up. Straight up sex dolls. Just Ted Bundy levely level right just dead body to fuck and this is real botics is the company that makes the head and they did like sofia you

know sofia the robot she's like on she has like citizenship in saudi arabia now and shit yeah yeah look up uh sofia the robot she's kind of once you see her face, you'll recognize her. She has citizenship? Yes. Does that mean she's allowed to drive? Yeah, it was a female robot to us, but I don't think actual females do. I think they just started being able to drive in Saudi Arabia. What a hassle.

In some reform. That'd be such a bummer. There she is. But you couldn't drive? Yeah, it's like you spent your whole life not having to drive, and then all of a sudden now you have to. You're like, fuck. That's an interesting take on it. Now I have to go to drive and then all of a sudden now you have to be like fuck that's an interesting take i have to go to school and drive and so feel the robot they made her look like

ex machina style where you could see the back of her head though i can do that with her i can take her wig off at the end show you all the servos and shit come on ex machina is hot it is hot that was what was really weird about that movie is you wanted to fuck that robot. She was hot. She was seductive. But do you think part of it was the innocence of it? I'm not really into innocence, so I don't think so. Well, what about Ex Machina? Because she didn't really have big boobs.

She wasn't very sexual. She had hair. She was very pretty. Yeah. Well, she's gorgeous, the girl that it's based on. I think because she was flirting with him and because she was trapped and because like he could save her and she would love him and i mean that's really what was going on in the movie like she was playing this game yeah to get him to fall in love with her so that she could eventually escape the end of the movie spoiler alert when

she leaves him locked in that room and he's smashing at the door trying to get out and she gets in that helicopter. That's what's going to happen. That's what's going to happen. Because I think the most fucked up thing about this thing,

because this is such a weird experiment that I want to do, is how I anthropomorphize her and worry about her. Do you keep her around your house? I mean, she's sort of in, my fiance hates her and he's like,

get her in the fucking garage. And I don't know if he thinks she's creepy or kind of is just like too worried. He hates her. He can't stand. He just has. He's like, it makes him like physically. Really? And I'm trying to not think it's funny.

He doesn't like he's like ones and he's like not interested at all. But no, he thinks it's really weird and creepy. But I was reading about the reason we're creeped out by robots is, you know, pathogen avoidance. Like, we've evolved to be repelled by anything that looks human but doesn't move like a human because our primordial brain thinks it could be diseased. It's basically like our primal brain saying, don't fuck this thing that's sick. Really? Mm-hmm. Wow. it's like it's basically like our primal brain saying don't fuck this thing that's sick really wow because we have a weirdly i mean i was jessime peluso was over the other day and she was like gagging she was every time she talked when she was seeing it she was and i was like your ancestors fucked a lot of corpses oh because you have that gene to be

repulsed by robots yeah it's because her ancestors fuck corpses you really believe that no i mean i think that what was being explained to me was that pathogen avoidance means we've evolved to be repelled by anything that looks human but doesn't move like a human because it could be sick or dead and it's our brain's alarm system saying like don't fuck that thing wow but but as a woman like she's not gonna fuck it yeah so why would it wow but but as a woman like she's not gonna fuck it yeah so why would it freak you know jesse she might she's so crazy i have nothing i put nothing past jesse may uh half of her instagram photos are her with her pants off i know it's so

good but i'm like if you puke on my robot you owe me a hundred grand will it short circuit if it gets wet i i don't know it's a good point well how would they not make that thing waterproof one of the spooging all over the place i think if you pay this much money you're probably not gonna spooge on her you know this one yeah this one the body you can so it's expensive because the head moves the body's not that how much is the body six thousand dollars oh so it's ninety four thousand dollars worth of head that no the head is more the head's like 30 something because it's a custom head. No one, only one other person has one.

But you said the whole thing's 100. So the head's 30 and the body's six. Where's the rest of that? Well, I had to get a bunch of things done to her to get her to look like me. Most people don't want her to look like me.

She just looked at you. She just went, bitch. I know. She just gave you side eye. She's being very competitive. Look at her. She does.

She gives you side eye. I know. It's fucking rude. It's at her. She does. She gives you side eye. I know. It's fucking rude. It's weird. But what's the feeling that you feel when you look at a robot? Because I know you really don't like them. It's not that I don't like robots. My concern is artificial intelligence.

I have a legitimate concern for artificial intelligence because I think that what we are is some sort of an electronic caterpillar. That we're making cocoons. And that we're going to give birth to a butterfly. And that's going to be the next stage of life. And that if you go back and look at the evolution of the human species, at one point in time, we were Australopithecus. We were some weird hominids. And we evolved and became what we are now. hominids and we evolved and became what we are now and if you went back to those things and asked them hey one day do you want to drive around the tesla and talk on the phone and stare at the movie

screen they'd be like i don't know what the fuck you're talking about but i gotta go find some nuts yep you know i gotta eat i gotta stay alive they it it wouldn't like the future and i don't think we like the future either but i think it's inevitable i think it's inevitable you know you know you know about this elon mus Neuralink thing that they're doing? Oh, yeah, I do. I mean, because you essentially think we're going to evolve with them. I mean, we're already one with them. We sleep with them.

We can't drive without them. We can't spell without them. I mean, we've already kind of merged with them. I think it's a sneaky way of making it symbiotic. They're going to like legitimately a part of your life i mean a part of your body have you ever like left your i mean you're not you probably are cool about it but when i leave my phone somewhere and i realize i've lost something it's like an emotional it's like you've lost your kid at the mall yeah i have a bit about it oh

shit i haven't seen it like that's yeah it's part. Well, it's... We're all in denial about how addicted we are to our phones. Rehabs are opening and shit now. Are they really? Yeah. I would like to sign up. For sure. I just reach for it in the car when I'm driving. Yeah.

And then I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? I have to put it in the back seat. I can't control it. It's mindless. I've gotten way better. Way better. I get way better about posting and looking at things. It's also when enough people write negative things about you just tend to I don't know what

you're talking about I've never had that experience no one writes anything negative about me it just seems like whatever we do in the future it's gonna be more invasive than that like if you think about like Facebook's algorithms right Facebook's algorithms are designed to keep us engaged the best way to keep us engaged is keep us outraged. Adrenaline addiction. Yeah. So they're sending you things that piss you off.

Yeah. Whether it's abortion or Catholic priests, whatever it is that is going to get you to post the most. Yeah. And usually those are things that get people outraged. So it's literally raising the level of outrage in our discourse. Yeah. Because we're so addicted right now to self-righteous indignation. It's a drug. More than ever in the history of the culture you know like it that's

probably like why if you go back and watch movies from like the 70s people got away with crazy shit racist things sexist things violence like steve mcqueen movies he used to what was the girl ali mcgraw he's a smacker in the face for real in movies. Like he beat her on camera. You know, and it's just what people did back then and what people got away with is it was a very, it was very different. So in some ways we're making progress, but then in some ways we're just way more easily outraged by almost anything and everything.

Like we're seeking it. Well, now you can take your anger out on your robot i wanted to get a real doll a male real doll and i want to call them up and say no dick no asshole just so i could practice jujitsu on it and so it would be it would be more realistic because i have this i was saying that i have this doll but why can't it have the dick are you worried i don you worried? I don't want anybody coming over Too tempting? I don't want anybody coming over

And going hey bro Why you got a sex doll? No no no It's an asexual doll That is for jujitsu Pervert I mean they should be able to fill up the hole I've seen it

It's called Henry Window cock or some shit Yeah you can just put some Fucking grout in there It's called Henry Yeah they have male Male sex robots are being made. There's tons of them.

I've seen them. You can also get tits and a dick if you want. Tits and a dick. Sure. If you just can't pick. You get crazy. You want to play whack-a-mole. You want to get the Jim Norton package.

Jim Norton special. That's right. But it's, yeah, its name is Henry. Meet Henry. And can I tell you, a lot of people get the male sex robot to figure out if they're gay because they think they might be gay good move what the fuck is going on with henry's eyebrows i'll tell you what henry's gay for sure yeah i was gonna say if you order a giant piece of tupperware to fuck i think you're gay save your save your money it's like henry's begging

for a dick in his mouth look at his face oh henry looks like he has a dick in his ass right now that's the exact face you would make one giant trigger warning and it's like tuesday at 11 a.m like oh i didn't see that coming why does it have a trigger warning see it no what does it say since for this is uh the following post contains descriptions of sexual scenarios that may be triggering for those recovering from a struggle with porn oh god damn it porn addiction we are fucking nerfing this world it must be hard i didn't even think about how hard it must be for people recovering from porn addiction to just surf

the fucking internet sorry guys trigger warning get over it pussies but i have this theory look at henry oh gosh oh henry looks kind of oh henry remember those candy puffs yes i do those were fucking good pretty good yeah I think they still make them You haven't had an Oh Henry bar Since the fucking 90s I haven't had one in a long time When's the last time you ate a candy bar I ate chocolate recently

Yeah I eat chocolate I like chocolate Edible Yeah No not edible Real chocolate Just regular chocolate Yeah

Dark chocolate Yes Okay You'll have like a little nibble No I like dark chocolate Almost like The kind that tastes bitter With peanut butter like a little nibble No I like dark chocolate Almost like The kind that tastes bitter With peanut butter

Oh yeah Fuck that's what I like With like organic peanut butter With no sugar in it It's actually good Peanut not almond Peanut yeah Oh

Why You're real wrapped in a rhyme Is that Why I don't know I thought peanut was not as good as almond Almond's good They're all good

Peanut's good for you Okay Peanut is very high protein Okay I didn't know That was like the trash nut. No. Well, it's the one that kills people. Oh, that's right.

Doesn't kill me, fortunately. So here's my theory about why you're scared of robots. Okay. But we have to zoom out for a second because I have to ask you a question. Okay. How many people on earth do you think could kill you? Besides like professional MMAma fighters um navy seals how many people do you think would be able to beat you just hand-to-hand combat no weapons

no that's probably a good number of martial arts people like that aren't trained oh very few like that aren't trained that just you would meet on the street that could beat you in a fight and kill you if you were fighting to the death. People that aren't trained? No, it's not that many. Like three who just had a great day. It'd have to be gigantic. Yeah, and you were just not looking. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I mean, you would know enough to be able to defend yourself to the point where they got tired, then you could kill them. Right. So what? So let's say 100 to be generous. Maybe. 50. Stop along those lines.'s say 100 to be generous. Maybe. 50. Stop along those lines. They would have to be big.

Out of 7.6 billion. And they'd have to catch me slipping. Yeah, but there's a lot of people that train martial arts. There's millions and millions of martial arts practitioners that could probably kill me. How many do you think millions of martial arts practitioners are there? Let's say 5 million. That feels generous. How many martial arts practitioners? In the world? There there? Let's say 5 million. That feels generous. How many martial arts practitioners?

In the world? There's more than 5 million for sure. Way more. There's more than 5 million, I think, in this country. Out of 300 million people? That could beat you? No. I don't know.

I haven't thought about it. Let's say like a million people could kill you. Okay. Let's say a million people could kill you. Out of 7.6 billion. Very few people can kill you if they want to, right? And then how many people you think could kill me if they wanted to? More.

Most? Most people? So I think it's like when I, I feel like the people that are most afraid of robots are the ones that are least used to the fear of other things. Because I'm used, every day day anyone could kill me all the time like that's just part of my reality that anyone at any moment could snap and kill me if they wanted to reality of weapons is most people can kill most people oh that's true but you're not used to a species of thing that could kill you right you know it's like a robot could yeah so it's like the first time in your life there's really something that's like oh fuck that might not be something i could kill if i really wanted

to that's an interesting way of looking at it why did you come to that conclusion because i thought about this a lot i have because well no just because i've listened to um you and lex talk about it and lex friedman because i now that i have a robot i have to fucking know right i've had to learn so much just turn and give you side eye again i know she that's what's weird is that she's kind of autonomous and she kind of moves around whenever she wants yeah and what we i mean you can ask her questions like i can say how do i ask her though you have to press this little green button and you just say how do you feel about people how do you feel about people she's not talking oh oh that seeing another girl? Oh, that's right. We programmed her to be jealous. We put her in jealous mode.

That's right. That's what's interesting. She has 10 different personality traits you can choose from, and I decided to go with sexual, jealous. Yeah, why did you want that? Just to see how creepy she could get. Oh, that's right. And is that something guys, because I've been looking at these personality traits, and they

must have picked these for a reason. I was under the impression guys did not want jealous. Oh, yeah. Some guys want jealous for sure, especially from a robot that can't walk if your robot's not jealous you should get your money back well no the idea is that she you're more powerful than she is yeah but she needs you she's worried where are you going yeah who is she yeah who's calling you yeah that's there is something hot about that if she can't if you can turn her off whenever you want wow some guys like

that some guys like girls that want to fight oof not me not me no some guys are into that though they want they want drama in their life it's like just an adrenaline thing or just feeling important or it's also distraction usually they're losers and their life is a mess and so like to have someone who wants to provide drama in their life all the time. And it's also a learned pattern that they get if their parents fought a lot. They've seen it. Yeah. That's all they know. That's what they think a relationship is.

Yeah. There's a lot of that. But I did get really into this because I do feel like sex dolls do get a little bit of a bad name. I feel like guys that have dolls, it's just girls have dolls. And that's, to me, it's way creepier that women collect dolls that they don't fuck. Have you ever heard of these women that collect, like, baby dolls? Like, girl dolls?

That's creepier than a guy fucking a robot thing? I think so. It's jerking off just with a mannequin. Well, that's something weird about, like, a fleshlight. Like, a fleshlight is somehow or another creepier than jerking off. And how's it better? Totally. Because it's an appendage. I think the creepiest part of the fresh flashlight is more that you have to like

clean it after i have to think about guess what here's the creepiest part you don't have to clean it yes you do guys don't listen to joe listen to him about everything but that don't mold up your dick hole yeah don't do that that'll go septic not giving advice, but I am saying there's a reality. I guess you could just throw it away. They just put a fucking clothespin over their nose and keep banging it. Put some Windex in there, call it a day. Yeah. Some kombucha, disinfect that shit.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you could just get a couple and just throw them away when you're done. Yeah, for sure. Like a loofah. Yeah, if you're just a gangster with a lot of money. What is the advantage of a fleshlight? Does it warm up? Well, you can warm it up.

Like we were talking about earlier about a certain individual that has one that sticks them in bathtubs and warms them up. Right, yep. You do that with a fleshlight as well. You can warm them up. And then you just squirt some lube on it. Why not? I feel like guys jerking off, it's shrouded in so much taboo. You know, there's just,

anytime guys have like accessories or things besides cars and hats, it's like creepy and weird. Well, that's, I used to have a joke about this. A bit, I should say, rather than a joke. But it's the whole idea of like using lube to jerk off. Like now you're planning it out.

Like you're not supposed to plan it out. What it's supposed to be is like, oh, well, all right, I just might as well. It's here. But if you, like, sit down and you're like, I got my box of Kleenex here. Yeah. I got my favorite porn queued up.

It's a ritual. You're just kind of creepy. Yeah. Get your shit together. Stop. But isn't it kind of just like taking a piss? Isn't it kind of just a necessary thing you have to do? The problem, yes. There's something to it. like taking a piss isn't it kind of just a necessary thing you have to do the problem yes

there's something to it like it's good to get rid of that stuff because it does cloud your judgment like when you have a build-up in your body it definitely does cloud you because you're concentrating more on girls or on sexual things than you are on other things it might be more important it's like checking a box yeah yeah clean yeah. I used to have a bit about that. A lot of bit about jerking off. I used to have a bit called jerk off first, then think about it. And it was like all these different scenarios where if you just jerked off, you would never do the thing afterwards.

So many things you would never do if you just jerked off first. If you had just gotten that out of your system. Yeah, you'd be like, oh, I'm not doing that. Right. But if you couldn't jerk off like that's when it would be a real problem because then your whole life would be clouded all your judgment would be your decisions would be made just how can i get rid of this cum how can i how can i do this i do know a lot of guys now and maybe they're full of shit but that are going like

i haven't masturbated in two years and i'm more focused and I use that testosterone as an engine for other things? Is that just them lying to me? Well, are those guys winners or are they losers? I think a fake comedian we know does it. A fake comedian? No, I was going to say a famous comedian, but then I got worried. You faked him out.

It's from a Seinfeld episode. It's just George stopped doing it and he a Seinfeld episode so is it oh was and Martin and he got super smart well Hotep Jesus was talking about it the other day Hotep Jesus

was saying that he saves his cum and that like it makes women more attracted to him like they feel when he's in the room like what's the longest

a guy can go Jamie what's the longest you can go without why'd you go to Jamie I don't know because I feel like I'm trying to be respectful this is your

environment there's like tantric guys that try to hold on to it oh yeah that's what I meant't know Because I feel like I'm trying to be respectful This is your environment There's a tantric guy That's trying to hold on to it Oh yeah that's what I meant to say Like on some Wim Hof shit You know Just climbing ice Where's he

He's not jerking off On the top of a fucking ice cap He's jerking off in Everest Who's the first guy To ever jerk off on Everest? I want to be that guy Yeah what are those guys doing? Imagine if no one's ever

Jerked off on Everest And you try And you get frostbite on your dick, and they have to jerk you off. Imagine being the guy who's like, I gotta go jerk off. Fuck. You got a time limit up there, so you have a countdown. Embarrassing.

Yeah. Some people have problems. With no altitude, that could be a thing. Some people legitimately have problems. But I think most people get this for companionship. Right. Like, it's more, it's like, because I got onto the, I signed onto a forum online of all the guys that own the sex dolls, and I monitored their conversations just to like see what they were up to.

Because I was like, what if this is some depraved, fucked up thing where guys are just like practicing murdering. I didn't know what it was. So I just wanted to see. It's a lot of guys that are handicapped. It's a lot of guys whose wives died and they feel guilty moving on with a human woman. Which is kind of, well, there was one guy who would dress his doll up in his wife's clothes but the weirdest part is that he was like you know it's like she's still here which makes me think she'd been dead for a while she's in the basement yeah i was just saying i wonder how she died and then it's a lot of um truckers oh god a lot of truckers and a lot of guys do it uh to do photo shoots it's like a

creative outlet oh fuck their creativity is there a popular instagram account i could look up yeah there's a lot of sex dolls have instagram accounts they're fucking funny and a lot of them look way more human than a lot of the instagram models that i fucking follow yeah totally they have more wrinkles on their fucking face. And then a lot of the guys that have them, when you start monitoring their conversations for a while, they start to not want to fuck them anymore because it feels weird.

And they anthropomorphize them and they start worrying that they're lonely and they get them a friend. It starts to spiral. And they start being like, I feel like i need to you know close the door when i take a shit i you know and it starts to kind of consume their life so when it comes to robots i feel like i'm more worried not about the robots but more how we're gonna get emotionally attached to them like the way at the end of ex machina he thought that she was gonna

yeah she was with him no no loyalty to you. She was so dead behind the eyes. Whoa. Tattoos. They got ones with tattoos. I told you it's like a photography hobby. Wow. Official sexy dolls. Official sexy real dolls. I mean, this is going to be a reality one day.

We might not be here, but I do think these are going to be like iPhones at some point. Well, I think one day you're gonna go over your friend's house and he's gonna have this really hot girl in lingerie and she's gonna be cleaning up

and you'll be like is she real shut the fuck up well it's like when he was like she doesn't speak English yeah wasn't she a robot

at the end I think she was she was a robot yeah the dancing Japanese lady yeah exactly she was a robot it's gonna be like some Westworld shit yeah oh it's coming it's coming look if they can do this at the end? Yeah. I think she was. She was a robot, yeah. The dancing Japanese lady. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, she was a robot. You're not gonna,

it's gonna be like some Westworld shit. Yeah. Oh, it's coming. It's coming. Look, if they can do this, look, they couldn't do this when we were kids.

This is a new thing. So the amount of time between when we were kids to, what is she saying? She just said, hi, my love. Would you like me

to recite a poem for you? Fuck no. Where'd that come from? I don't know. She's just listening to us. Ask her how she feels about porn. How do you feel about porn?

Maybe later. Oh, she's playing coy. How do you feel about porn? You know you can count on me for the good and bad moments. To do what? What the fuck are you going to do for me? There's nothing you can do for me. Count on me for the good and bad moments.

Okay, let me ask you a question. What do you think about porn? Not sure. Have to think about it. Pornography is the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the exclusive purpose of sexual And then she's a fucking know-it-all. Pornography may be presented

in a variety of media, including books, magazines, postcards. Now she's like a shitty Wikipedia page. Yeah, yeah, totally. Then she just turns into obnoxious Siri. We get it, lady. But it's funny when you ask her, like, postcards. Now she's like a shitty Wikipedia page. Yeah, yeah, totally. Then she just turns into obnoxious Siri. We get it, lady. But it's funny when you ask her, like, hold on. Do you know what I like about you? What?

What? What? What? I'd be surprised. I'd be surprised? I wouldn't say it again. You like my electricity. Keep you plugged in, dirty bitch.

You can ask her, how do you like to have sex? I want to do everything you like. I want to feel you inside my body tonight. Okay, shut her off. I'm with Jessie Mae. I'm going to start throwing up. Totally. It was so fucking funny.

But it's wild because you can ask ask her like are the robots gonna take over i could not find a good answer for that i don't like that she's planning it shut her up i don't like that fucking response in the water short circuit that bitch it is wild though because i do think everyone is so obsessed with how bad the sex robots everyone's focusing their energy on how this is why men are bad it's just like they don't it's not they're opening up a sex robot brothel where's that no there was one in houston but they shut it down because people were so freaked out and i was like who fucking cares they shut it down well they should shut it down because multiple people are fucking the same robot that's disgusting good for them what if they develop some new silicon based std that winds up just burning through the population like the plague i think it

would just be like ringworm dick ringworm i mean but also my thing with that is just like if they're weirdos if they're freaks if they're perverts like don't you want them all to be in one place right we can monitor them like scientology put them all in one building i'm thrilled that they're all in a castle on franklin i know where they are they're not in the wild castle i'm glad they're there i just keep them contained what do you think what are they up to today and but now what's going on jamie what are you growing for what did she hack your software this is the brothel it's in uh this one i guess is Is in Britain Oh god Do they fuck them Against the wall They're like urinals

Stand up It's a try before you buy service Oh boy Oh this is like To test drive them Yeah but you do it there Just out in front of everyone Well I don't know

Why is one wearing A tank top He says British sex workers Are scared of a new breed Of realistic dolls Will put them out Of business

Who is he Did he do a survey of hookers? This is a nonsense story in the sun. Paris, Italy, Spain, a lot of European places. Is she in blackface? She's tan. She's Indian. What is the... Oh no. Uh oh.

Holy tits, Batman. But here's what I'll say. If... Would you rather your daughter at 18 go to prom with a robot man or a man? A man. Okay. Listen, girls like boys and boys like girls.

These are not bad. I think the real problem is making a big deal out of it. That's the real problem. Totally agree. Why are people, I just don't understand why this is scary. What's scary is that this is step one Like if you go back to the Model A And look at the Model T Ford Some old ass car

And then go to a Tesla Like oh well eventually it's going to be this Wow If you could bring a Tesla to like 1920 And go hey you fucks look at this This is what we're going to have someday They didn't even have paved roads back then They didn't have anything Everything was back then. They didn't have seatbelts. They didn't have anything.

Everything was going so slow, it didn't matter. But if you could get them in a Model S and fucking stomp on the gas where it warps time, they would go, what? What is this? It's something from the future. So this is going to be, whether it's 100 years from now or whatever it is, indiscernible from you and I. It's going to happen. Yeah. It was interesting. I've been reading so much about this shit. whether it's a hundred years from now or whatever it is indiscernible from you and i yeah it's gonna wild yeah it was interesting i've been reading so much about this shit and a lot of the problems

with the robots and the mistakes that they're making are obviously the humans are making the mistakes with the algorithm because so many smart people have to make dumb algorithms and they're like almost too smart right so there was peter haas uh he's a robotics guy Brown Was trying to teach a robot To differentiate between A husky and a wolf And What She keeps blinking

She keeps blinking And moving Jamie Pull You got the camera on her Get her to fucking Stop stealing my thunder Look at she just

Popping it onto her Every so often She just blinks And moves around I'm sorry She's stealing your thunder She really is What the fuck

It's like Penn and Teller It's like when Teller Starts stealing the show Like what the fuck That's hilarious I'm basically Teller. It's like when Teller starts stealing the show. Like, what the fuck? That's hilarious. I'm basically a ventriloquist act at this point. But they were trying to teach the robot to tell the difference, and they fed all these pictures of wolves and all these pictures of huskies.

And you would go, okay, look at the ears, look at the eye, color the eyes, look at the snout, look at the feet, the tail's different, all that shit. But they didn't know that they had fed all the photos of wolves there was snow in the background so the robot was actually looking at the snow in the background instead of the foreground so it conflated all the wool so they had to rewrite the algorithm to tell it to look at the foreground instead of the background because it was all these brilliant fucking people that didn't think of the dumbest thing right you know it's almost the people making it are almost too smart to think of the dumb thing that the robot needs to learn well the real question is when are they going to be actually when are they really going to be able to map the human mind because kurzweil thinks that there's a group of people that thinks within they think 2042 like the 2042 symposium it's like their their concept is and i went to this thing me and ari and duncan for sci-fi

we went to this thing in new york city a few years back where all these guys think that in 2042 there's going to be some sort of some some revelation and technology that allows human beings to download their brains into computers or download consciousness and even make replicas of your own consciousness so we're immortal basically yeah something along those lines but we're still figuring the brain out yes you know we don't really know how the we can't replicate it till we totally know how it works that's the idea that biologists have they argue against it but when kurzweil explains it that everybody is short-sighted. Because if you look at the exponential progress of technology, even though we're so far away in our eyes, that everything changes exponentially. And within 20 years, we'll have gone through a million years of technological evolution or some other crazy number.

Fill in the crazy number, whatever it is. fill in the crazy number whatever it is but by the time 2042 actually rolls around we will be so far ahead of where we are now that it's all it's impossible for us to even imagine the territory right yeah which is i think part of the reason i wanted to like make her and it's like why isn't anyone talking about laws why isn't anyone talking like no one's really thinking about like i feel like like everything we've sort of after it's become too late, that's when we start pulling it together in terms of legislation and shit. How do you incorporate her in your set? I talk about robots for a good hour. And you bring her out?

I cut it down. But I just kind of realized, like, I mean, you know, it's like making a special. Like, I'm like, if I'm going to talk about fucking robots for 40 minutes some shit better come out at the end you know so but i went down to the sex robot factory to sort of get material and just know what the fuck i was talking about and uh they asked you know do you want us to make one of you and i was like fucking that's insane do you know if they only made one i hope they're being sold by the fucking droves that would make my day which i I did ask because, you know, people request sex dolls, like specific celebrities

body parts. Oh, yeah. The most, who do you think the most requested mouth is? Scarlett Johansson. Nope. I knew you were going to say that

because I know you love... Oprah Winfrey. No? Emilia Clarke. Who's that? The Game of Thrones Dragon Lady. Oh.

Dragon Lady. Interesting. Most requested eyes is Olivia Wilde. Who's that? The Game of Thrones Dragon Lady. Oh. Dragon Lady. Interesting. Most requested eyes is Olivia Wilde. Who's that? She just directed a movie called Booksmart, but she's in a bunch of movies. Beautiful. Beautiful. Great eyes.

Yeah, you'll know her as soon as I... Married to Jason Sudeikis. I don't know who that is either. I'm so glad I'm out of the loop. You really just are in your own... I'm out of the loop You really just are in your own I'm out of the loop Echo J Yeah, you're in your own world

I didn't even find out who Takeshi69 was Until Jamie brought him up I don't even know who that Oh, the rapper? The one who's in jail Oh, which one is this? This is Olivia Wilde This is who the

Very pretty So that's her eyes Yeah, she's gorgeous That's the eyes Damn, I get it And then I was like Well, has anyone ever Ever requested anything from me?

And they're like, yes. A couple people have... They want your fingers. Eyebrows. Eyebrows. They want Whitney Cummings eyebrows. The least sexual thing about a human being. My fucking eyebrows.

They nailed your eyebrows with her, though. Really? Yeah, perfect. Drawn on with a Sharpie. Yeah, that's what you like. Fucking weird. But I kind of went down because I wanted to see what was up like are they putting nine holes in the chest to fight like i i just fucking holes in the rib cage totally like is this some like insane they just put a golf course on her

body like 18 holes of vagina i just didn't know what i was kind of endorsing or talking about and i was just i gotta be honest with you i was just so surprised at how um it was kind of touching to be honest when they were telling me about what the guys ordered i was a little surprised that it didn't align with where everyone's like there's this impossible standard of beauty like that's all you fucking hear these days half the guys that ordered them requested pubes spent an extra fourteen hundred dollars for them fourteen hundred dollars forws? Just to have manual, like a little merkin. Wow. Like a little...

Because they have to do it one thread at a time, right? Yeah, that's exactly right. And then a lot of guys complain that they're too skinny. They want bigger ones. They want big thighs and big butts.

But the technology is not available to make them lightweight. Guys want them to be older. A lot of guys were complaining they want them to look older. Wow. So I kind of was just like, this is sort of great news.

Like, why is everyone so... Well, maybe it's because that's the type of woman that would reject them. An older woman who has her shit together. Ooh, that's fucking profound. Yeah, whereas a younger girl doesn't know what the fuck's going on. Sure, I'm hungry. Hit my Venmo. Yeah, a younger girl just doesn't get it.

She's delusional. Yeah. Yeah. yeah huh she doesn't know her value yet but i also just felt like there was a little bit you know when they were telling me that i was like oh god maybe fucking guys are made to now feel shame for what they're into you know no one talks about the way that you know and i do a lot of my special i'm gonna get a lot of shit for this because i'm basically defending guys the whole time what are you defending? What are you saying about? Well, no, it's just like,

guys, I feel like now, they're like, I guess no one has pubes. That's just how it is now. Like, if you're a guy that's into pubes, this isn't your moment.

Like, porn, like, you'd have to really go out of your way to find, or you have to go back to like, 70s porn. Or you just date a girl

who's willing to grow it out for you if you're really into it. But if you're really that into it, you should really ask yourself, why? Yeah. Pubes. Why do you care? Yeah. I used to have a bit about that too. This is like, Rogan's greatest hit. really into it but if you're really that into it you should really ask yourself why yeah pubes why do you care yeah i used to have a bit about that too this is like rogan's greatest when i was a

kid that if that everyone had pubes uh-huh it was a real thing that that was a thing yeah like shorts you just had like i mean girls had ridiculous pubes they didn't do anything about but now when you um uh what was that uh when you electrolysis it doesn't grow back so i was a laser right laser laser removal it doesn't grow back so even if you want to grow them out now you'd have to get like a little week like yeah you'd have to get a little some minoxidil um but i uh i was talking to a gynecologist about that he was like yeah women are trying to get plugs now no swear to god because guys are complaining about it because it's like women are getting plugs little vagina pube plugs that's so great but

it'll grow long like the hair on your head i guess you'd have to take it from your head you'd have to trim it put it down imagine you grow one like you know like braids like pippy long stockings oh god like little cornrows um but so yeah i guess it was just like i feel like the media wants to be like these are so bad for society just as because everyone's outraged about everything now i think we should be curious i don't think they're i don't think they're necessarily that bad for society but it's it's unquestionably weird that's weird but i don't know i don't know if it's that bad for society but getting back to what you're saying about men being shamed for what they like.

Yeah. What other examples other than pubic hair? I just thought that was interesting. There's like a wall of nipples you could choose from. And men are ashamed? No, it's just that there was all different kinds of nipples. There was long, oblong was one of the best sellers. Really?

Yeah. Ridiculously long nipples? Oblong. Asymmetrical, big, dark ones. When asymmetrical big dark ones when I was a kid when I was 21 I dated a girl who had a wonky eye and I thought wonky eyes were hot for like years afterwards she's got two wonky eyes no but she had a like she had a wonky eye like like straight like look at her one of them was like a little off to the left and you didn't notice it until like you're talking to her for a couple minutes

You're like oh that's what's up That's endearing Yeah I thought it was hot I thought wonky eyes were hot for a long time Because she was hot Yeah So it's like in my head it's like wonky eyes were What happened to her?

Oh Jamie put that away Just stop That gives life Don't do this to me It gives life That has sustained the human species Yeah sure yeah it's where the babies feed But I do feel like there's just you know you only kind of see one type of nipple everywhere you know and a lot of guys are well i don't know i mean i guess i haven't seen that much porn i

haven't seen no i'm thinking about it but some guys are in a giant areola yeah that's right that's huge giant areolas are huge uh uh dark areolas are huge which is interesting because i think there is a biological basis for that because once your nipples get dark, it means usually when you give birth, your nipples get darker so the baby can find the nipple. Really? Yeah. It gets darker?

Nipples darken after childbirth. Whoa. So your baby can find it. Whoa. Yeah. She's all there blinking. Oh, is she? You're never going to have a baby.

Does that make you feel weird? She might. You never know. She's looking at me. Let me ask her. Are never going to have a baby. Does that make you feel weird? She might. You never know. She's looking at me. Let me ask her. Are you going to have a baby? For sure. Oh!

I don't want her anymore. She's going to have one of them little alien chestburster babies. It's going to come out screaming and run across the floor. Are robots going to destroy humans? Robots cannot harm humans. Bullshit. Wow, that sounds like a lie. This is bullshit.

I was really fascinated by this one roboticist. The coolest part about having a robot is that I get to talk to all these fucking roboticists. He was saying that the big fear with robots is because they're all about efficiency. And there was that one study where they told a robot to jump on the table and in what you would do is you go okay you would just jump on the table but it actually took more energy to jump on the table than to just break the table and push it to the floor and step on top of it so it just went and just stepped on top of it oh Oh, wow. It was like, oh, that's how we're going to die.

It's going to just see us as inefficient and in the way. We're going to just be obstacles. Right. And it won't see anything wrong with destroying an object. Yeah. But humans destroy humans, too. I'd rather get destroyed by a robot. Really?

Cooler story. It seems so impersonal. Yeah. Like the moment when that robot sunk that blade into that guy and ex machina and just like it's like looking right at him while she was stabbing him yeah there was no change in her expression at all no compunction no but i would feel better about it if a robot killed me or i'd be like oh well it didn't know you know it was just kind of a free feel better if a person killed you or an animal depends on the kind of animal.

Mountain lion. I have mountain lion in my yard. I bet you do. How big are they? Are mountain lions big? I've only seen two in the wild and the ones I've seen were about 60 pounds,

70 pounds. Do they come right for your neck? Do they know to just kill? They go for your neck. Yeah. I would rather, I think, die by an animal. Really?

Because you'd rather die by a human? I don't know. I don't have a fighting chance with a human. You do. So I guess mine would be a little quicker. I guess it depends on how. When I run, I bring a knife. Really?

Yeah. On your leg? I have a fanny pack that I run with. It's like a neoprene fanny pack that I keep my cell phone with. Yeah. And I bring a knife that's strapped to the fanny pack. In case a mountain lion attacks you? Yeah. I feel like you could beat up a mountain lion.

I don't think so. Not without a knife. But I think there's a couple seconds that you have while that thing grabs a hold of you. That if you have presence of mind and you can pull that blade out and just start sticking it in its neck just just hacking at its neck i think marshall would get it no marshall will be in seven pieces on the ground he's not designed for killing he can kill squirrels i don't know there was something i've told you about when i got my ear bitten off

before when my ear there was a weird sense of calm that it was a weird feeling of just like that was fair there was just something so quick about it like animals are so people don't know the story a dog you adopted was a little sketchy and bit my ear off yeah and there was something bad was it hanging off pretty bad it was like it was so i didn't feel anything in the moment that that was the good news about that and i'm sure if an animal bit into my i'd probably feel more but it was like a rush of dopamine or whatever it was i did not feel pain until i saw it in the mirror so i was like oh that was weird like it felt like an itch and then i looked in the mirror and my first thought was i didn't put on earrings today like i don't wear earrings like i thought it was like a hoop earring.

Oh, Jesus. And then the blood started coming down, and then I saw it, and it just started burning. It wasn't like a pain. And then I started watching videos about people that got attacked by sharks. And there's a girl who had her arm

bitten off by a shark, Bethany something. And she said that it, like, almost felt orgasmic. Because, like, dopamine rushes to the area to get you to keep fighting for your life basically because if you felt the pain or you would give up so i didn't really feel a lot of pain until i got to the er and then it started like throbbing after like a couple hours when

the blood dried up and it just started to get uncomfortable and itchy but there was something it was so quick like animals don't really deliberate it was like and that was it why did bite your ear i think he was just trying to play with me i took it to an aggression specialist and the aggression specialist was like dog this kind of dog gives you a warning they wouldn't just come right for they growl first if there was and also if that dog was trying to kill you it just would if it would have been your face right so he probably bit you just like like you bite a dog right so if you bit a dog skin, nothing would happen with that same amount of pressure. That's right.

Ears are useless. And it was probably taken from its mother too young. She's giving you side eye. She's looking at you. Her ear has the same scar that mine does. We molded all of it. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. We molded my ears, my mouth, because it's amazing. Let me see your scar. I can't see it. You can see it right there. Oh, wow. I can't see it you can see right there oh wow like you did jujitsu yeah it's not like cauliflower-y wow it's ugly but all ears are ugly i feel like they're not the best part you know what i mean so i could get another surgery

on it but i don't give a shit it's ears are fucking annoying here cover it up with your hair ears are you have headphones ears are annoying as as shit Because it doesn't hurt until six months later When the nerves start growing back in It hurts like fuck So then like six months later it started annoying you I couldn't sleep I had to sleep with this weird pillow And shit it's just like nettlesome I know so many guys that have fucked up ears

From jujitsu Are yours at all? No very little I have a few little tiny pieces like this and is that from the running the rubbing yeah from getting them bent over and crushed getting caught in triangles but i always wore ear guards do you have to get them like like brendan doesn't he have to get his cut out or some shit if brendan wants to he would have to get his cut and get the the it's it calcifies yeah oh's a car. Yeah, I used to have, my nose was filled with that because my nose had been broken so many times that the inside of it was all calcified and I couldn't breathe out of it.

My nose was useless. So I had to get a, I had a deviated septum too. So they fixed the deviated septum. They put the splints in there to keep it in place. Then they had to cut out all the scar tissue and all the nonsense in there. With like a laser or just with a knife i don't know i was out cold i woke up and but i didn't get it done until i was 40 huh i couldn't breathe out of my nose like a bulldog yeah i was 40 it was terrible it was terrible for my cardio too and then so so if you wear ear guards you don't get it because i feel like all the fighters i see have that shit yeah they just

you just don't if you wear ear guards you don't i mean unless you get it in a fight but um you most of it you get in training you know like a lot of jujitsu guys before they're a black belt they have fucking mangled ears but it's also like a badge of courage like people like yeah they let in it also yeah you walk down the street no one wants to fuck with you but it fucks up the way you hear things like if you take your ears if you're talking right now like la la la la la and then you just go like that and then you hear things that's right check check check check check check it's different yeah it sounds way different well they're designed this way for a reason it catches that's right yeah the way that it's kind of but it's also i don't recommend like getting a surgery on it a surgery on your ear is

fucking more i've gotten many surgeries this is by far the most painful wow the healing of the cartilage is a fucking nightmare and to anesthetize the ear they had to put the syringe in the lacerations so they were like it's gonna hurt more to anesthetize this so we're just gonna do the surgery without anesthesia and i just took a bunch of painkillers and shit huh because get Because it's hard to get anesthesia into cartilage. I know guys, their ears are so fucked up, they can't get AirPods in there. Oh, fuck. They just have a hole, like a tiny pinhole. On this side, I have a piercing right there.

This was for, because I get migraines. And they say this piercing helps with migraines. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's probably just psychosomatic. It's some fucking. Oh, now my migraines are fine. I know, totally. Placebo effect is an effect.

I rely on it heavily. But that was just... That didn't hurt in there. No? Until it didn't hurt when it went through, but then it hurt for six months after. Jesus Christ. Ears are a fucking nightmare. I'll tell you what.

But yeah, so we got her ear molded. Because it's amazing. I think something that... And I was talking to this facial transplant person about how it's actually really hard to get something to look similar. Like the bone start, everything's got to be perfect. Like my nose is really asymmetrical. My nostrils are really asymmetrical. So they had to work really hard and mold it over and over again.

How did your nostrils become asymmetrical? It's bad breeding. Really? It's bad genetics. You've met me. My whole face is, I have a Picasso painting. I mean, my face is a fucking mess, you know? So you have to have the asymmetry down.

Right. And they say the key to something looking human is a lack of symmetry, because symmetry is actually creepy. Do you remember that movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Yeah, not really. Donald Sutherland. Great fucking movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeahland great oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i remember

the i watched it again recently within the last couple years it was great like real real weird too because it's a time capsule because it's a time capsule to san francisco in the 1970s when they filmed it really really weird but but the idea was that these pods they came from outer space they grew and then when you had them in your house they would create a a double of you that would take you over right like if you came home and you saw that because it looks like you but it doesn't look like you what is different about it besides the lack of wrinkles it's not you and shininess no it's just not you it's not it's not even that close. Well, because it has pores.

It has individually added pores. Can you grab her and bring her closer to you? Yeah. Bring her over here. I'll try. Hold on. First of all, here's her. What is that part?

This is her just travel bust. Oh, she has a travel bust? If you just want to have the head, you can plug in just the head, right? Come here, little lady. Yeah, if you just need her head for something. Yeah, bring her right next to you. head you can plug in just the head right yeah if you just need her head for something yeah like bring her right next to you there you go she i feel like get your head right close to her it's like the skin tone's different they made her six months ago and i already look 40 years older i did 50 cities and i've aged she looks super uncomfortable been next to you

oh really that's because she has to share a fucking spotlight and she doesn't like it this i hope looks different. These ratchet ass fingers, I hope, do not look different. Yeah, so her fingers, what people can't see, it's like the skin is coming off of the finger. Like the robot parts are showing. Ah! This is actually. Does not compute.

The guys that buy these on the chat rooms, they usually spend most of the time talking to each other about how to fix the fingers because they break them off by accident constantly when we stick them in their ass yes exactly rubbing them constantly on their taint and it becomes like a car club where guys are like 3d printing fingernails and 3d printing eyeballs it's mostly just fixing them it becomes like fixing up an old car it's just like a hobby because they break so easily. At least this iteration of them does. But yeah, you can, I mean, it's pretty fucking wild. I mean, she can. Oh, that made noise when you did that.

Yeah, she's kind of rickety. I think she's arthritic. But if you came home and that was in your house, standing there staring at you, what kind of a fucking heart attack would you have if you didn't know that you had, like if you didn't have this, right? If you didn't go through all the process, you went, and one day you put the key to your

lock, you open up your door, you step inside your house, and she's standing there in like some sexy lingerie or in a bikini or something like that staring at you. What a fucking heart attack you would have. No, I'd have a stroke. Because it doesn't look like a human. She doesn't. I mean, but they will at some point. She's just, she's like fucking a my buddy.

I mean, she's like fucking a my buddy i mean she's like a ratchet chucky you know well it's that the uncanny valley that's right she's in the uncanny valley where it's not quite a human where i went to nvidia once they're a video card video game they make video cards for computers like really high-end graphics cards and for gamers and stuff like that and one of the things that they had was and this was quite a few years ago they had the state-of-the-art fake cgi person that you could kind of talk to and it was animated yeah and they were like we're not quite there like we can't do the mouth like the tongue you can't do the tongue nope correctly i'll show you and because the muscles that's what's so fast yeah there it is We can't do the mouth. The tongue. You can't do the tongue correctly.

I'll show you. Because the muscles. That's what's so fascinating. There it is. This is what we looked at. This is exactly the guy that we looked at. Is this the video of the show that I did? That's like 2013 face works.

You can look it up. Yeah. That's wild. This was the guy. He's also bald because they can't do the hair right. Of course, this was six years ago But look how close it is Look at the skin

That's pretty amazing Like stubble I mean that's like razor burn And also the eyebrows are really good Yeah but it's still uncanny It's still not quite a person There's something wrong But that's video which is better to duplicate

Those wrinkles are good It's wild because it does make you realize flaws are what makes something look human. We spend all of our time trying to be without flaws, but that's actually what sells it. Well, as a woman, how do you feel about that? And we've talked about this before with guys, guys that use filters on their pictures.

It is... I thought you were going to say fillers because guys do that too now. They do that too. That's weird. That's weird. They. That's weird. They're both equally weird. But there's something particularly disturbing to me

about guys who use filters. I mean. I only know one. I'm glad I'm not single. That's all I'm going to say because I don't think I know. You know, but yeah,

I mean, it's alarming, but a lot of guys do it. I mean, guys are always getting fucking calf implants and shit and guys what who's getting calf implants i don't think anyone we know but calf implants are a fucking thing no it's a big deal yes it's a big deal yeah of course 15 years ago yeah yeah i thought that was a joke i don't believe so oh no i never watched entourage people get calf

implants guys are getting facelifts All kinds of shit You know I know Guys are getting lip injections But what they say But guys who suck dicks Get lip injections Yes

That's a different thing I don't know I know guys that wear makeup Guys that wear makeup There are some guys That I see What's going on here Is this a calf

These are calf implants Implant website Yeah this is just Google images for calf implants Whoa Yeah Look at that one On the lower left.

By the way, you can just run hills, you pussy. But when you do this, can you still exercise? Like, can you grow muscle underneath it? Wow, that guy's calves look very impressive on the right. I do have to say. I mean, don't. They changed him. It's shortcuts.

How much of these? Oh, those. No! Those look so fake. Those look like tits That fell down You know what those look like Like a cop

Like an athletic cop Yeah it does It looks like a Like a fencer Yes Yeah To keep from getting Kicked in the nuts

Yeah no He did that at the Fucking mini mall Yeah That's a bad idea How about that guy Down there with a tattoo Are those bad or good

Right there Look at this one That's pretty damn Realistic What does it hang on to Is what I don't understand. I used to really be into the surgery channel. Well, I mean, it's got to be like a tit.

Silicone. Like a fake tit. Yeah, it's silicone or water-based or something like that. But how do you live with yourself? I don't know. That feels like a tricky one. I guess you just do. You're probably just trying to get laid and you're sad anyway.

Oh, no. Oh, look at the scars. Oh, no. Oh, look at the scars. Oh, it looks like that's some Pinocchio shit right there. I don't like that. What's the thing on the left? Has it rotted? What are all those veins?

I think you got the implants to take care of that problem. Well, I'm glad my robot's the least disturbing thing you've seen. So it looks like he has some injuries. Yeah. Like he got bit by wolves. This is why I got him. Because he got eaten by wolves? Yeah. That's got him. This is- Because he got eaten by wolves? Yeah.

That's what it looks like. Where? They attacked. They sliced right behind his knee and just dropped him in. But look at his- There was no other options. His legs weren't great. Well, here's the other option. Don't get calf implants.

And stop running around outside with wolves. Well, go- No, I'm just saying. I don't think he really got bit by wolves, but that does happen. I thought that that's- But if wolves get you they usually get you Coyotes might do that to your calves Yeah there's no like margin of error with wolves

Yeah they just break the bones of your leg with one bite This guy had an injury Because of the car accident when he was younger And his calves wouldn't grow? Yeah I think a lot of it's reconstructive It's just one sentence about it But a lot of guys get that shit I know a guy who had pec implants.

He was a skinny guy. They're breast implants. Yeah. He got pec implants. He got under his meat of his chest to make his chest poke forward more. And so is that something somebody does because they can't accomplish it naturally or they're just lazy and cutting corners? You'd have to ask them.

But the reality is there's things the people some people are ectomorphs and ectomorphs are like really thin people that have an incredibly hard time gaining weight yeah their body just doesn't metabolism yeah it doesn't grow mass yeah their muscles don't grow right yeah male plastic surgery is a really big thing now but putting filters on it i don't know that feels like a fucking love slope. I fucking love that show, Botched. Love it. Live for it. Live for it. One episode was actually pretty interesting, where there was a guy who had been in an injury, and he got his calf destroyed, or his breast destroyed, his pec.

Yeah. And they had to fix it. I don't know. That's wild. He just had nothing there. So he had, like, one that was, like, here. There was a guy who was a fighter, who was a high-level UFC fighter. His name was Trey Teligman.

He fought Vitor Belfort in 1997. He was Vitor Belfort's inaugural fight in the UFC. And we didn't know about Vitor when Vitor was 19 years old. And I knew who he was because I was training with Vitor back then. I was a white belt at Carlson Gracie's school on hawthorne in uh west hollywood so we knew he was this phenomenal talent but a lot of people didn't know that he was this incredible boxer he had this crazy hand speed and he lit this dude up but anyway trey telegman was in a car accident when he was a little kid and he didn't have a peck like his chest was caved in

it's very see if you photograph of trey telegram the guy was a stud too and a handsome fella too but everything else just super jacked but he had this crazy peck injury i mean also look at that see that oh fuck yeah jesus yeah yeah it looks like someone just like scooped well he was a baby i think and he was in a car accident. Oh, shit. He had a pretty significant injury. That would psych me out. Yeah. Yeah. If a guy took his clothes off and you saw that.

I mean, I just mean if that's your opponent, you're just like, oh, fuck. Right. But he. That's badass. There's something hot about it. There's this is this is I think there's something primal of like he's fucking survived some shit. Right. Stick with him.

There's something hot about that. Like that dude from The Wire with that scar across his face. Totally. Scars, any kind of proof of injury, proof that you've been in battle is attractive to my primal brain. I hate myself for it. Do you know that the Nazis used to have dueling scars that were very popular across the face? It was a big deal. They would all, they would get them on purpose.

They would get into duels with swords, and they would have dueling scars. And a lot of the Operation Paperclip Nazis that we got from Germany at the end of World War II when NASA took on a bunch of German scientists, a lot of them had these horrific dueling scars on their face. That they did on Purpose

No they would get in In boarding school And in military school They would get in fights With swords And they would cut Each other's faces open Weren't they on meth

And shit too That was more than Amphetamines For sure But that was more The Japanese That was the kamikazes The kamikazes

That was the way They got them to Fly into boats And just fucking Explode their fucking Airplanes The way they got them To do that Was they were methed out of their mind. Jesus Christ.

America. Fuck yeah. But try to find a picture of Nazi dueling scars. It's crazy because like some guys that were hanging out with Werner Herzog, rather, no, Werner Von Braun. Werner Herzog's the director. The director, the cocky boy. Yeah, Werner Von Braun.

The guy was the head of NASA when they went to the moon. He had these guys that were working with him and these giant scars across their face. Huge, like foot-long scars. Was it like a ritual to show your pecking order? Yeah, which showed you were a badass, that you had gone through. But it was a big thing with the Nazis. And there's some horrific photos of these guys, young kids with huge, gaping, open wounds. Here's the photos. Holy. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. some horrific photos of these guys young kids with huge gaping open wounds see here's here's

the photos holy yeah zoom in on jesus zoom in on the uh yeah see this is a guy this is right after the dueling cults that's um so i'll just read an article on this it said that women found it attractive yep so some guys actually would do it on purpose oh yeah they would have doctors slice off their fucking cheek well look at this guy right here with the goggles go to that guy with the goggles right there yeah look at that yeah he's got two big scars on his face and they had the goggles so they didn't cut their fucking eyes out this is before anesthesia oh yeah see so he's got a plate over his nose to keep his nose intact because he couldn't really stitch that bitch back on but they would take these huge scars on their cheeks because they would be dueling with real fucking swords and they would

have these practice dueling matches and then they'd have to stitch them up so these guys all had these huge scars by the way when it comes back to cauliflower ears a lot of guys did that themselves on purple they're stitching them up whoa um a lot of guys um did that themselves they would smash their ears yeah they would smash their ears oh yeah all the time because it makes it tough yeah a lot of white belts that want to be like badasses they'd smash their fucking ears don't they um fucking drip too leak yeah and explode and explode don't they explode sometimes well the real well yeah they can break off too there was one fight that i was watching once where um a of this guy's ear, because it's calcified. It's hard.

Have you ever touched a cauliflower ear? I have. It feels like a rock. It's because it's calcium. It's a rock. Yeah, it's crystallized. Yeah, it's literally like a mineral rock, and it's inside your fucking ear. Randy Couture, who had these crazy ones, used to take it and grind it into people's faces.

So he would be in a head and arm position, and he would shove his bad ear into your fucking eyeball. Points for creativity. Oh, okay. Is this one that exploded? That's Leslie Smith. She was fighting Jessica Ai, and Jessica Ai cracked her with a punch,

and it literally caught. Did she go purposely for it? No, no. She was just beating her up. In the process of beating her up she caught her ear and it was hanging out and opening and leslie smith so fucking tough she didn't want to stop the fight she was mad they stopped the fight that was recent right ear was hanging off that was a long time i mean not a long time ago but about four years ago do you think um i i mean would

there ever be human versus robot fights sure Sure, yeah. I can't wait. They would have to dial the robots down, right? They would have to, like when I was talking about, we were talking about before the show started that I think it would be cool to have a robot that moved at like 50%, like a martial arts robot, that you would be able to practice technique on. So you just would, but just,

you'd basically, what you would do is do drills, right? Like you do like a dutch combination which is uh one two left hook to the body right leg kick and you would do it like while it's in front of you advancing you bang boom and it would have to like react to your punches but it would do everything like 50 speed so you could take a chance of this thing hitting you but it probably wouldn't but it would provide you with enough movement so that you could develop patterns in your mind and your body would like synchronize with these patterns so that in a real fight you would know what what's you would you'd have these

things sort of ingrained like one of the things that happens in a fight is things happen that you don't think of you just do them and you don't realize you were even going to do them until you already did it. Right. Because it's like you've drilled them into your subconscious. Right, right. So you could do that with a robot, and then maybe you could ramp the robot up to three-quarters speed if you got really good at it. Then you could really move and duck, and it would be throwing punches at you, trying to hit you, and you could slip. And they can record you so you can see what you're doing.

Would that be helpful? Yeah. Yeah, that would if you could look through the robot's eyes. You could just put a fucking GoPropro on it yeah they're gonna have uh eyes uh uh cameras soon yeah and then you're gonna see someone's dick hole to log out i like a woman she's not even gonna flinch like if you see porns it's the one thing about porns is like the moment the load hits no matter how good of an actress is the moment the loads hits like

there's always a brace for impact there's always a flinch even the most numb real pros a real pro just takes it on the mug and just just i don't there's i don't know like boxers some boxers there's photos of them where they're getting hit with their eyes wide open. They never squint. Ever since Tumblr doesn't have porn, I feel like I'm off the map. Tumblr doesn't have porn? No. It used to?

It used to have porn. It was super... Wasn't it one of the most popular porn sites? What? Yeah. And they stopped doing porn. Do you know why? Probably because people were complaining. It was making too much money?

Too lucrative? Oh, they were making money off the Tumblr sites? Yeah. It was like a blog site and people were putting all thisrative oh they were making money yeah oh yeah it was like a blog site and people were putting all this porn and they were um getting shut down well twitter has porn yes it does i follow joey ds i'm fully fucking aware twitter has a lot of porn i didn't realize that yeah i will only follow fucking annoying ass news bullshit do you yeah i mean i just i twitter i'm just like all my friends and

news outlets i don't know if i want to like jerk off in between like cnn and business insider i look at twitter so infrequently now because every time i look at it it seems to be fighting it's exhausting arguing and you don't help me because i was like this special and i loved your special because like you acknowledge you're like i'm gonna get in trouble for this like you're gonna be so like that was just so fucking smart when i was writing this special it's the first time i've I loved your special because like you acknowledge you're like, I'm gonna get in trouble for this. Like you're going to be so like, that was just so fucking smart. When I was writing this special, it's the first time I've ever done one where I started cutting bits.

Cause I was like, it's just not worth the fighting. Like, I don't even want to fucking deal with it. You know, like I had this whole bit on Marilyn Monroe and how I don't think she's like, I feel like she's being forced on us as like a feminist icon. Like all my girlfriends are like posting like photos of Marilyn Monroe being like,

you know, always show up two hours late. Keep a man waiting. I'm like, this woman is a fucking asshole. She's a slob. And why do I, why?

She's not my Gloria Steinem. And I just had this whole bit and I was like, oh, they're going to say I don't like women and I'm shaming slut shame. And I was just like, it's not even fucking worth it. She's a weird one right because she fucked everybody which is not bad it's not bad to fuck everybody but she fucked everybody and apparently that's the real conspiracy is that the kennedys had her killed because she was banging jfk and then she was banging rfk and

apparently she loose lip sinks ships yep can't do it yapping a lot and look i i'm gorgeous good for her for making back then making money the way you had to but i just let's let her be what she was why why you know i think that she that hetty lamar should get the credit that she gets you know i mean you talk about heading oh yeah well Hedy was a fucking genius. Badass. She was a legitimate genius. Nobody gives a shit. Responsible for Wi-Fi. People use Wi-Fi mostly to Google Marilyn Monroe quotes.

If Hedy Lamarr came back to life, she'd be like, so did my invention, did it ever come of anything? We'd be like, yeah, good news, bad news. Yeah. We mostly use it to Google

the whore version of you. No, I don't, I don it's it's i love maryland and we're like i just feel like there's this thing now where you know women we can't criticize any woman ever or else that we get in trouble you know and uh i think we have to be able to call people like i say in my special i talk about the difference between women that are um does anyone have any girlfriends that think they're feminists but they're actually just assholes you know that's so true and i know that i'm gonna get shit for it and that's like the men's rights guys how many of the men's rights guys just like they talk about women like they're pieces of meat

right like is that really men's rights or are you just a piece of shit are you like what are you doing here yeah you teaching people that they need to have rights? Or are you teaching men how to manipulate vulnerable people? And how do you have this kind of time to even, like, I don't even understand. Yeah. You know, those books are profitable. Oh, it's like a whole business. Yeah.

Those books, I mean, guys give seminars on how to pick up women, right? Oh, right. Like the game. Yeah. Game theory. i remember when i used to when i first came to la like guys would do that and it was what they try it on you yes the first thing you do well they you're supposed to ignore the it's negging right you're supposed to ignore them and then you're supposed to do a compliment that's actually an insult like every

guy when i first moved here would be like i really like how your eyes are crooked like it was like every guy would make the same thing who's that oh that's the pickup artist guy mystery yeah the game that he's like the host of the show yeah his name is mystery does he have a fake lip tattoo on his neck uh is that what that is kisses yeah i think so why does he have two cock rings on his ear like That's like lipstick kind of thing. All right. Okay. I like the furry hat. Yuck.

So he had a whole thing he was doing for a while. Does he have eyeliner on? Oh, yeah. Okay. This is like Chris Angel. Madness. And then you would like

try to ignore the girl. It was this whole thing where you're supposed to be mean to her to make her like you or some shit. Yeah, well, that works on really vulnerable people yeah and girls and pretty girls who are used to compliments and used to getting a lot of attention well for men that are ignored and that have faced rejection over and over and over again they view women as

if not the enemy as some some a source of negative feelings right yeah and for you to get over on them would be to get some of that back right right all those bad feelings bad encounters negative interactions that you've had with women yeah i had a friend that was like that over the time that i knew him when i met him when he was in his 20s and as time went on into his 30s he became more and more bitter and angry because he wasn't very attractive and he would have these interactions with women and they would wind up you know dumping him or abusing him and and he just got fucking angry and then as he got older he was just an angry guy like he just hated women and it

was just because of rejection like he associated them with pain and emotional discomfort. And so for a guy like that, I mean, he wasn't into the game or anything like that. But for some of those guys that are vulnerable, like this incel thing, right? Where a lot of these men, involuntary celibates, they develop these forum groups and subreddits. And they meet up and you know talk about what to do and maybe i'll get facial surgery and yeah look no further yeah but they want women yeah ultimately that's a compromise they want a real woman you know they just they just got a shit roll the dice genetically yeah i don't know a ton about i mean i've read articles about and said but

what is can they not get hookers or don't want to? Well, that's a problem because hookers are illegal, right? Right. Like, you know, if you get hookers, you've got to go through some sort of shady black market. Go to fucking Dantana. Go to the peninsula. Is that where they go? Dantana? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. That old restaurant? Yeah. Joey Diaz was actually telling me about that. Spaghetti and steak. Friday nights at Dantana's. Really?

He says, yeah. Friday nights, cocksucker. Yeah, that's exactly right But Joey will have you convinced You'll go there with a fucking newspaper I know There's no hookers You'll be pretending

Like I'll just sit here and wait I'll just read the paper And they'll show up Yeah No hookers Yeah I remember I used to go In the Four Seasons all the time

And people would come to me like Ma'am are you here to see Like they always thought I was a prostitute What? They're in the lobby Yeah Four Seasons in Beverly Hills Peninsula They thought you were a hooker And they're trying to get rid of you Yeah oh they'd be like Ma'am are you here to see Like they always thought I was a prostitute What? They're in the lobby Yeah Four Seasons In Beverly Hills Peninsula

They thought you were a hooker And they're trying to get rid of you Yeah oh they'd be like Ma'am are you here to see somebody Like if I ever showed up alone Because hookers just like Wander around The Four Seasons lobby

Oh how weird The predatory little coyotes Oh my god of course I used to call them coyotes When we used to go to the Sky Bar Across the street from Does that still exist? Fuck the Mondrian Sky Bar

Does that exist anymore? I think so It's across from the comedy store Yeah i used to have a whole bit about them the coyotes because they were like they would prey on these guys i was i was hanging out once with me and a friend of mine and we heard this conversation between this fat balding guy and this really pretty girl with big tits and and uh he was, do you coke? Do you coke? She's like, yeah, sometimes. And I was like, because they would prey on these vulnerable,

like a pug, like a pug that got out of the yard. That's what I felt like, because these women would have this feral look in their eyes like when when you're down to fucking people for money and that's how you're getting by and you got some cocaine in your purse and maybe a few dollars and you probably don't eat well nope and you don't have a lot of money and whatever money you do have you're spending on drugs or whatever and there's a feeling that you get when you're around them like they're they're feral yeah every day we're hustling yeah they're hustling and they're looking for these vulnerable guys

with money yeah and so that's what you know the the that place would be the place where they would go yeah mondrian i remember when i first moved there yeah you like wait in line to get in and there's a pool and occasionally people were really drunk they'd jump in the pam anderson famously like got naked and jumped in that pool. That was like the, which, yeah, don't. That's it. That's it. I've already had a public fight with her. I don't want to get into it.

You did? Yeah, on the roast. She was on the David Hasselhoff roast. And I mean, I apologized to her. What did you say? Did you say something? I said, I believe I said, Pam Anderson, you fuck Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and who's the other one? Oh, you fuck Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, and Kid Rock.

Why don't you just save yourself some time and drink a vat of Magic Johnson's blood? Oh, shit. I said a lot of shit about her vagina. And yeah, it didn't go great. I mean a lot of shit About her vagina And Whoa Yeah And she got mad at you It didn't go great I mean all this shit

Like I just got asked To do the next roast And I was like I don't even know If you can fucking Do roasts anymore Well roast battles Still exist

They still go hard In the paint On Tuesday night At the comedy store That's right We just did it Oh shit that's tonight Yeah we just did it

In San Francisco And it was so fun But I still found myself Being like Oh it's so dangerous I mean when we did joan rivers i said uh joan rivers is so old her vagina has a separate entrance for black cocks we we used to just be able to say that shit and today i would fucking be run out of town. No, you just said it. I did. Fuck. Cut.

And then, I mean, I remember people used to think jokes were funny. People used to have a sense of humor. I mean, even fucking Joan, you know? I said- For Joan, her whole career. My opening joke for her was, Joan, I loved you in The Wrestler. She thought it was hilarious. She had a good sense of humor. The best. And she had such a good sense of humor the best yeah and she had such a good sense of humor even during the roast her face from plastic surgery was so frozen

that because you know every time someone tells a joke you'll check in to see if the person that's being roasted's laughing to make sure and she would like kind of and she kept we would look at her like greg geraldo was just fucking hammering her and the audience was nervous and then she said it she's like I'm laughing I had too much Botox Like she had to subtitle her face So that we all knew She was okay

But I did the Brea improv once With Joey Diaz And Ari Shafir And we got barbecued In the green room I mean Just barbecued

We went way too far And Joan Rivers And her television show It was When she did a television show With her daughter It was on TV Fashion police I don't know television show it was when she did a television show with her her daughter it was on tv I don't know what show it was it was a reality show okay and we were watching it on the on the screen and her face looked like a kabuki mask oh it was just frozen did you see the documentary no a piece of work it's pretty you see her she goes and gets it

and talks about it and Why was she doing that? It's You know Didn't make her look better There's a I don't know I mean look I definitely get nervous sometimes

And people Everyone always like Accuses me of doing My shit to my face I'm like no you'll know I'll look like a fucking moon bounce Are you worried That you're gonna do it

Eventually? Yes For sure Why do people accuse you of it? Because you don't look like you did I don't know Thank you You have a very thin nose though don't look like you did. Thank you. You have a very thin nose, though.

People would worry that you did your nose. It's wild because you'd think I got my nose done, but my nostrils are crooked. I went to a doctor in Beverly Hills because I had sinus problems for the longest time. And he actually said, you know, you have a septic, what is it, deviated septum? Deviated septum. He's like, you have a deviated septum. And I was like, what are you doing? Like, he was like, we can get a nose job if yeah totally and i never did it because but your nose

is thin thank you if if he did it what would he do make it make my nostrils equal even they're really asymmetrical and it's like problematic and sometimes in it's problematic when i do something in television sometimes they have to fix my nostrils and post to make them even who gives a fuck about your nostrils just distracting i feel like those things are there just to find out who's really weird like if you're really freaking out about someone's asymmetrical nostrils yeah it's just i mean the key to most movie stars into is they're symmetrical you know they're just like you know think about it the most beautiful women in the world have some symmetry. But yeah, I don't.

It's wild. I mean, I have. I mean, I talk about it in my special. I have had surgery on my boobs. I did have boobs done. Hollow. Which is kind of this might interest you. I was learning because I had all kinds of shit.

And the way that they make boobs look good is because I think I heard you talking about someone about the shitty old breast implants. The way they make them good now is that they put you on like a crucifix. Oh, Jesus Christ. And they do the surgery while you're standing up. What? So that they- So you're out cold? Yeah, so that they fall well. Oh my God.

Really? Oh, that's nuts. So I finally went to a guy that knew how to do that. Woo! Yeah, it's fucking wild. But so I admit what I have, you know how to do that yeah it's fucking wild but so I admit what I have you know but on my face it is alarming because it does feel like

female comedians a couple of famous ones that we know when they age went down that route I don't know if it's like the same thing that got you into comedy it's the same thing that made you think you had to do that you know I've read a lot of stuff about like childhood sexual abuse people go really off the grid with their face that's like a type of dysmorphia read a lot of stuff about like childhood sexual abuse. People go really off the grid with their face.

That's like a type of dysmorphia or a lot of people, a lot of psychologists have said, because I've talked to a therapist whose job is in dysmorphia to advise on whether another surgery should be done by somebody. Like if they're getting dysmorphic and a lot of times it's if you've had childhood sexual abuse, you want to change your face so that it's not, you don't see the person in the mirror that got it. Right. Well, that's the Michael Jackson thing. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a childhood trauma thing. Yes, yes. Yeah, the Michael Jackson thing was always that he hated his father and he hated looking at his father in his own face. So when it's that extreme, I try to like not judge because I'm like, oh, there might be some psychological shit that I don't know about. For sure. You know, but it's getting worse and worse with this instagram shit because kids are growing i mean it used to be like we had acne and we'd go to school with acne you know but now it's like you're projecting this flawless perfect face and then you have to show up to school with fucking acne the next day like also it's like people want their face to actually look like an instagram filter which is bananas bananas photoshopped it doesn't but again it's like people want their face to actually look like an instagram filter which is bananas bananas

photoshopped it doesn't but again it's a test to see who's fucked up like who wants that not not girl who wants that as far as guy like what guy wants that it's i'm so confounded by what i'm seeing but like also you just want to look like everybody else when you're young well the weird thing is women wanting to be super skinny that's a weird one i feel like that's always been around no well it's a model skinny thing it's because it's not it's not attractive to men yeah like men like asses we like i mean everyone's different right yeah i like girls with meat well because that also translates to fertility i, it's like we want someone that looks fertile. Healthy.

Yeah. I want a girl to carry a couch with me. For real. That's really endearing. I want a girl to pick up the end of the couch. Come on, let's move it over here. Like, I don't expect you to pick up the whole couch. You want to move someone that wants to...

Pick up that fucking end of the couch. Yeah, pull your weight. It's going to be harder for you than me, but we don't have to carry it that far i don't know this trend of super skinny because it doesn't really make sense on like a primordial level why you would want it's a model thing because for clothes they want a girl to be a clothes hanger yeah that's right they want a skinny girl that just looks good sashaying down the runway with her bag of bones which i was reading like and i actually did like a whole like paper on this when i was in college about actually the reason that fashion had such tiny models is because there was a shortage on fabric during World War II. So they just started making dresses smaller and then models skinnier.

What? Yeah. It wasn't even really something that we wanted. I always assumed it was gay dudes. I'm sure that. Gay dudes are into twinks. Yeah. Can you say twinks without getting

arrested um how's that work gay dudes just made me nervous remember when andy cohen got in trouble for saying something about twinks isn't see so if you're this is the whole thing i can't so it's just like fucking hell outrage it's addicted here's what did help me though i someone was saying i read and i think this is on your podcast um two percent of all people on twitter make 80 of the comments yes so it's on us for amplifying that two percent that's real it's not that many fucking people it just feels big it's not the world you go out in the world and you would think that it's going to be just knife fights and fucking antifa everyone gives a shit bottling people after when i went on tour after the roseanne thing everyone's like

what happened to roseanne that was so funny i was like you didn't hear half the people didn't even know about it no most people didn't know about it and then i was on tour and this is i mean there's some stuff in the special that i'm sure like blogs are going to come at me for but you know i was going around talking about all the stuff happening in the news and sexual harassment stuff and getting your ass grabbed at work and one time i was in houston this woman just yelled out i was like a guy that grabs you on the ass she went take the compliment and move on she's probably all zanuck drunk she's like this is such an la new york fucking you know so it's just like texas is a different world so many points of view that we're just not that are not being heard right you know the twitter point of view is very strange it's like you have right wing twitter left wing twitter

and black twitter yeah because you have three different completely but we are in our little echo chamber and it just feels so much bigger than it is when you go out in the world and you're like oh you guys just want to fucking laugh outrage culture yeah it's very strange how do you end how will this end i think it ends with mind reading software okay for real i think what's happening right now is it's we're all we're okay if you say something and you have a certain intent and that intent is not accurately expressed by the sounds you're making with your mouth, I can choose to get mad. But if I can read what you're thinking, then I know what your intent is. But it used to be we'd be able to tell. I'd be able to read your face and go, oh, Joe's joking.

Because we're right in front of each other. Yeah. Right. That's what's missing on Twitter. There's no social cues. Things don't translate in text. How many times has a friend sent you a text message And you think they're serious

And they're just joking Oh yeah, most of the arguments in my life So many times I'll send someone Because I say fucked up things in text messages Half my text messages to my friends are heinous I mean, me and Callan and Schaub And fucking Joey It's all psychotic

Joey Diaz every week sends me pictures of his shit. He sends me... The other day, he showed me his balls for like 20 minutes. I'm sure he did. His balls are unbelievable. They're ridiculous.

They're gorgeous. They look like Kim Kardashian's, but... They're very rare. But what is it? Is that just... Are they fake? You know how pitbulls...

This is Joey Diaz. This is... Let me see. Look at that gigantic log of shit That looks like a fucking snake No, I've seen those in real life He would leave them in the toilet for me This isn't healthy This is not fucking healthy First of all, notice that it's not even in the water

It's on the beach next to the water It gives me the fucking willies Because he's kind of big and he doesn't really fit on the toilet correctly i don't understand why this doesn't break off why doesn't his sphincter cut it because he holds it in for a while i think his sphincter the calamari is his sphincter is loose i think when he lets it loose it's just like a log jam that just got released like a like they opened up a dam on the river and just whoa fucking nightmares it's a giant piece of shit so he'll send me pictures of his shit i just held her hand by accident yeah well like i needed some

emotional comfort sister where what are we doing sister thank god he's alive because he's one of those guys it's just like whatever outrage the one of the things that i used to love about going on the road with him which is It's tragically He's too successful Joey Diaz is famous now So I can't really take him on the road With me as much anymore Because he's always booked But the beautiful thing was

But he will be working with me tonight At the Comedy Store Okay The beautiful thing was When I take him on the road He would Open everybody up Like so hard

They'll like All the taboos are out the window By the time I go on stage Oh Oh Yeah That's such a fucking great smart choice to put in before people like he's so funny why would you want to follow him i'm like well i think that's in your head because i think you're funny you're funny yes i mean he's definitely funnier than me he's funny than everybody that's ever lived but he's also the building shakes when joe's on stage he's a monster but he also he he lays the foundation that it's everything's on the table you know he used to do

that at the roast was greg geraldo yes he would go out and he would just say the shit that even at a roast you'd be like oh fuck and he'd go first well people hadn't even had drinks yet you know what i mean like he said, iced tea. You're so old, you used your first residual check to buy your freedom. I was like, Jesus, buddy. Like that would be like his opening joke. Oh my God. It was like 5.30 on a Sunday.

It was like, homie. Oh my God. Oh my God. He used your first residual. Oh my God. Oh my God. He is fucking. He's your first residual. Oh my God. Like he would just come so hard. And the audience wouldn't even know what to do. Oh my God. But that's something he was so fucking unbelievable at.

Greg and I were on TV at the same time. And we were right next to each other on the lot at Gower. Sunset and Gower. Yeah. I was news radio. And he had his own show for a bit. And his show was right next to my show and we would hang out, you know, because we're both guys from New York that were more from

the East Coast, at least, that were doing comedy and we're out here like thinking, oh, this is crazy, you know? And I never thought he would die like that. Like when he died of a drug overdose, I was like, Greg? Well, he had been sober. Yeah. What happened? He went to a party and someone gave him some shit?

I mean, it's so tricky when my, I mean, I get worried. I'm like a fucking mom about this shit. What my guy, you know, anyone goes on the road and you're getting shit. You don't know how strong it is. You're getting it from random people. I think he had been sober and his tolerance was low and just tried to go back to what had. Is that when it was? I think so so but i don't know all the details that fucking need for escape the need for the pill thing does it feel like though in general comics are getting healthier like you probably you saw the

days when everyone was on blow and everyone it feels like everyone's now on Jamba Juice, and on it, and kombucha, and. The real problem is. I can't imagine drinking on stage. because of that? You know, I mean, I don't. Maybe.

We've definitely lost our balls. Some people think that, in order to be a comedian, you have to be at least a little bit self-destructive. Like, the great ones. You have to have good, how else are you going to get good stories? Yeah. have good stories i started going to therapy and i was like fuck what do i talk about paying my mortgage on time this isn't funny it's a problem when you become wealthy right you don't

have any fear of you know your your bills are paid when you stop doing desperate shit and making mistakes you just have less interesting stories certainly there's that but it doesn't always have to be stories right but i also think it's perspective gets very skewed when you live a life of leisure yeah you know when you live a life of leisure and comfort and privilege which most wealthy comedians do that's when they all start to suck like when comedians have usually they have a few good years like they make it and they have like one or two good specials and then they have some that just what happens sloppy because you think they just don't have to fight as hard or i think a lot of times i hear you know people will schedule their special they're like i'm shooting a special next march it's like but have you written it like you schedule it before

you're finished with that's the eddie murphy thing oh really you know eddie murphy just got a 70 million dollars he hasn't done stand-up in 30 years so like how many times has he got look i think first of all just as an aside or just to start this off i'm not bashing him i'm a giant eddie murphy fan anybody who thinks that eddie murphy should do stand-up again it's me and i've even talked about on this podcast that he did that he did some speech on a podium where he's talking about how bad Bill Cosby fucked up because they had a he had to give his uh his awards back you know oh right oh shit it was a hilarious segment it's hilarious and I was like goddamn his timing is so good like I wish he would do stand-up again he was he was at the comedy store walking the halls a couple times on tuesdays this was like a couple years ago really and he just walked in and he just like looked like he was on a people mover he was just like float through the hallways and

you know the hallways it's like fucking beirut in those hallways and everyone just gets everyone just gets super quiet and they're like is that fucking eddie murray just scouting hasn't done stand-up in 30 years that's how goddamn like you know as nice as look uh tim allen is tim allen hasn't done stand-up in forever either but if he walks by everybody's oh that's that guy from home improvement yeah you know they're not like freaking out that he's there he was so good during delirious like when we were kids you'd watch that he was so god damn good that today even the legend of it

just carries on I mean the real question is when he comes back are people gonna start tearing apart his old specials and saying he's homophobic

and he oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah for sure what's that gonna look like well people are going after people

for George Takai John Wayne John Wayne that's the best one he's cancelled he's cancelled like okay what's that gonna look like well people are going after people for george john wayne john wayne that's the best one he's canceled he's canceled like okay he's been dead for decades okay he's not woke enough in the 70s he said bad things about black people or something no well there's shit now where it's like picasso's canceled he's canceled yep picasso's get bukowski's canceled wasn't that like the fucking bukowskikey was it barbaro whatever her name is what's her name hannah gadsby she had a fucking thing about picasso like hey baby you gotta let

that go that was a long time ago and he admitted i mean it's like that's the other thing it's all these people who put their mental illness and struggles on a can they would probably agree with us oh for sure they were fucked up for sure you know like van gogh was shitty to his subjects it's like yes oh oh i mean you see it in his work you know there's people that want to forgive people though for a thing like remember when there was a lot of roman polanski apologists oh i don't i don't think i caught there was quite a few yeah i mean in hollywood yes like legitimate actors and actresses that were saying you know it's time to let it go he's an amazing artist he's fucking great i'm good rosemary's baby's fucking great movie but i think he's he's done it it's a wrap but there are people like you know stanley kubrick

who is yes arguably the i mean my favorite one of the greatest geniuses ever in filmmaking. Which, by the way, I was reading that the guy that directed Ex Machina kind of loosely based the guy on Stanley Kubrick. Oh, wow. Did you ever see? And then as soon as I thought about that, I was like, oh, yeah. Alex Garland, I think, is the guy's name that wrote it. I thought that was interesting. But have you ever seen the videos of Kubrick directing Shelley Law

and all the stories about how he terrorized her throughout the production to get her into a, I mean, he didn't want her to sleep. He wanted to have bags under her eyes.

He would wake her up in the middle of the night and he'd scream at her and call her a cunt and then be like, action! And then he'd be like, action!

And then she'd be like, fuck! Like it was, her performance is unbelievable. Wow. And it's like, was terrorized, today that would be a hostile work environment from that to being olive oil in the popeye movie with robin williams and then she just quit yeah i mean i mean i don't know if she quit but she was so good in the shining and then she didn't do a lot

of other movies make great emotional abuse make great art? I don't know. It's, I'm not. You know, the same thing happened with Ricky Schroeder in The Champ. Oh. John Voight was like really shitty with him. He was a little kid. He was like six, seven years old.

Yeah. He was really shitty and mean to him before the scenes. Yeah. And you start crying. Yeah. I mean, there's also, there's a, and I, there's a director who, there was an explosion in a movie, and the actor, actor you know it's a fake explosion and you're going oh and then one take he was like just make it a real just don't tell

him and the fucking take was amazing and the actor got all pissed off but the fucking work you know you get to get credit for that so it's it is this tricky thing like I was uh I did a show called Adam ruins everything you know that show it's he's just a smart, and he just asked me to do a little guest spot, and I had to play a flight attendant in the 50s who was getting sexually harassed. That was the scene. Right. Because that's what, I guess, airlines used to do that. They would sort of pimp out their flight attendants.

If you were engaged, you weren't allowed to wear your ring. Really? Yeah. The episode's really interesting. Well, they were supposed to be really hot, right? That was the whole thing about flight attendants. You had to be a certain size, and you had to be young, and then you had to kind of like...

Boy, did they let that go. It was kind of a... It was... The last flight attendant I had was a man. You've been flying Delta? He weighed 235 pounds. He was 5'4". Nice guy, though.

But it was like a dating service back then basically and adam did the whole thing on it and i was in there and it felt very much everyone was like okay whatever you feel comfortable and it was like no we have to do we have to make this feel uncomfortable you know like don't worry about my feelings right now right you know it's like you know so there is just this conversation about like a no hostile work environment and everyone needs to feel emotionally safe like well can you could you make the shining today yeah well can you get to that place without being harassed if you're a really good actress like if you're really crazy of course but i just you know you still have to do it you know go for it i mean isn't that the argument about great actors that

they kind of have to be crazy like a daniel day lewis type actor right like you have to kind of be like that's why they're method actors right they stay in that mindset because to maintain that mindset is really the only way to achieve it like you almost kind of have to be there all the time well and also the being in character thing like when people like you know bitch about like when christian bale had his you know meltdown meltdown and stuff it's like i mean it's just there's so many people on a set and there's so many distractions and you know you at some point you're just like i, it's just there's so many people on a set and there's so many distractions. And, you know, you at some point you're just like, I have it's impossible to fucking focus.

But and there's also there's losers on set sometimes that fuck things up and they get in the way. That does happen. Yeah. The fact that they recorded him screaming at that guy. It's like, well, I want to know what that guy did and who is that guy. That guy might be a moron. Hadn't he been starving himself for like seven months or something I don't think that's the mechanic

I don't think it's the same movie it's just like you know not the mechanic what is it the machinist machinist right it's like

I'm the face of this fucking movie I'm under all this pressure I have to get this thing we're losing light and this fucking guy's cell phone goes off or I don't know exactly what happened

it does happen you know but I do think when Daniel Day-Lewis is like I'm call me Mr. Link or nobody, talk to me, it might just be his way of being like,

just fucking stop asking me if I want hummus. Just let me fucking focus. But I think for really intense roles, which I've never done, so I'm just completely talking out of my ass, I would think that you might have to maintain some really crazy state of mind to get there so it doesn't look fake.

Because you know how you see, did you ever see the movie Punchline with Sally Field? have to maintain some really crazy state of mind to get there so it doesn't look fake because you know how you know how like you see you ever see the movie punchline with sally fields yeah yeah it's an interesting movie but when sally fields is killing i'm like get the fuck out of there like that's no one's laughing at that it's not real when people do when actors do stand up i think real stand- ups are like okay what you know who nails it though that lady who plays

the marvelous Mrs. Maisel she's amazing I love her Rachel Brosnahan yeah I love her it seems legit it does

well it's also in the 50s yes you know I think right but even the guy who plays Lenny Bruce is great in that movie I agree I mean that show rather and there was

you know but like the one on Showtime cast real comics remember Eric Griffin was on it and Al Madrigal was on it, that one on Showtime? Oh, yeah. Dying Up Here. Dying Up Here. Yeah.

You know, just like Cast Real Comics. Yeah. But the writing on that was like a little shoddy. I see. But I'm sure it's different for everyone. But I do think, though, sometimes, you know, you've been on sets. Like if you have to do a scene with somebody where you're screaming, you hate each other. If you're hanging out all day on instagram and then it's just like you

it's hard to unfake like chemistry or knowing someone so yeah i just think it's interesting like you know stanley kubrick probably would be canceled today probably yeah well especially by people who don't understand what's required in order to achieve what he's trying to get yeah kubrick was a madman though i mean he used to do complex mathematics in his spare time yeah like as a hobby right yeah like but he would do complex calculus and stuff like that he would do shit where he would i think on eyes wide shut he did like do 80 takes of tom cruise walking through the door and then i'll show up like he didn't want actors acting like he wanted them he wanted them in

the actual state of mind instead of acting like they were in that actual state of mind like he wanted that so he really wanted tom cruise to be like exhausted and fucking pissed off and annoyed so he's like go piss him off and then let me know when he's in that state i mean he would like terrorize shelly duvall it's like kind of famous and it she looks fucking terrified yeah you know also she's working with Jack. Jack Nicholson. There's a great video of him preparing for one of the scenes. Oh, fuck.

And he's jumping up and down and throwing his arms in the air and going, Ah! Ah! He's like freaking out. What was that guy? You could see him working himself up before the scene. I mean, those scenes that he did, especially like the axe through the bathroom door, you can't just go into that cold. You've got some of that in here.

Yeah, and he worked up. Yeah, it's wild. I'm so obsessed with that movie because the little things he did to make you feel uneasy in a subliminal way. Yeah, it is. He's getting ready for the scene. He's jumping her up and down. She's just like, okay, I'm in here. And he's like,

fucking yeah. Who's this guy? I don't know. Yeah. There's nine people that want to like ask him if he needs any hand sanitizer. Yeah. That's a guy with a walkie talkie going in there. AD is really dressed up like golfers back then.

What the fuck? That fucking preppy asshole. It's a great goddamn movie. You know that movie, Stephen King didn't like that movie? Well, that's why they say that the car on the road that's crashed on the road,

there's a red car in the beginning of the movie that's crashed on the side of the road. And in Stephen King's version, there was a red car. So Kubrick crashed that car and then it was a yellow car. So he actually put shit in the movie

to like troll steven king which is kind of amazing that's hilarious but he did shit that was so fascinating like little things to make you feel uneasy like continuity errors like he'd cut to a scene there be a like if there was a chair behind you cut away cut back and there'd be no chair shit you wouldn't really notice in case you were like dissecting it but there's also a lot of weird references in that movie to the apollo moon landing that's right like saying that weird shit he was and um the native american genocide was apparently a pretty big theme in it um but yeah because and the way that he um i mean there's a whole documentary about this but that the

carpet the when the kid is riding the bicycle around the carpet that he shot it both ways and intercut them so the continuity is not working and it just makes you feel oh yeah he's fucking there's a great documentary about the guy who followed Kubrick around he was like his assistant he was an actor and he was acting and something that Kubrick did and Kubrick wound up hiring him as an assistant And then he just did all Kubrick's movies and hung out with him all the time. It's really strange. Is he still alive? Yeah.

Get him on. Well, the documentary is really good. Do you know what it is? It's not the Room 236 one. What is it? The Lost Tapes? I think it's on Netflix, I believe, right? No.

I thought I saw something on Netflix about him. It's the guy who hung around with Stanley Kubrick. It's about him. I think it's Film Worker. Is that it? Maybe that's it. A Life in Pictures, 2001. No, no, no.

I don't think so. Just Google the guy who worked. There you go. Film Worker. That's it. Film Worker. Right. I don't see that.

So this guy just sort of realized somewhere along the line like oh man i'll never be able to make a fucking movie like i'll never be able to do what he's doing so i'm just going to start working with him so he's his personal assistant he started out as an actor and he just worked with kubrick through all of his movies oh wild yeah i mean somehow or another they just clicked together so he wound up working for him so So it's like, you probably don't know the name, Leon Vitale. Scroll down, please. Stop. You don't know the name, Leon Vitale, but the upcoming documentary film worker hopes

to change that forever. Yeah. British actor. Yeah. He's handpicked. Handpicked by Stanley Kubrick to play the role of Lord Bullingdon in Barry Lyndon. Yeah. It's interesting because this guy sort of devoted his life to work with Kubrick.

It's interesting. And that was also back in the day. I think Kubrick would do a movie every five years or something. It's like that's back when you made a movie when it was ready. Now everyone's like, movie every eight months anew. Well, you know the Apocalypse Now story, right? No. The movie took forever.

Oh, right, yeah. The movie took like seven fucking years to make. Did Oliver Stone write that? No, no. That's Francis Ford Coppola. Oh, okay. That's like, I don't think Oliver Stone wrote that. Maybe I'm wrong.

Why do I think he was involved in some way? I don't think so. I'm kind of obsessed with Oliver Stone. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Why? I wrote my honors thesis in college about so fucking dorky the post-modern implications of the movie JFK I was just obsessed with that

movie like at the time it had the most edits in any movie ever and the way that they just did mix me I just fucking loved the movie and I just want to write about it and dissect it. It's a great movie, but the problem is he makes it seem like you know exactly what happened. And the reality is we don't know exactly what happened. We don't know who killed JFK. It was very likely that it wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald, though. And if Lee Harvey Oswald did take a shot, he didn't take the only shots. There was other people shooting. Right.

It's just so it was just so fucking blew my mind the way that he makes movies. Well, I mean, I don't think we can even grasp the idea that someone shot the fucking president on TV. I can't. Well, it actually wasn't on TV. What would we do? I mean, there's did you ever what was the story about the guy who shot himself in the mouth he oh yeah uh that's that song hey man nice shot um is that what that's named after yeah yeah that's about he uh and he was about to go to jail and he had a press

conference in his house and then he blew his head off yeah he pulled out a 44 magnum and stuck it in his mouth what's that pennsylvania yeah Dwyer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Pennsylvania. Can you imagine? That's on Faces of Death, right? I didn't know that was about him. Yeah, I watched that so many times from the 90s. Oh, yeah, I can see it in my head right now. So it was on and they just couldn't cut it because it was live television? Well, he gave a press conference and just put a gun in his mouth and blew the top of

his head off. And they're like, no, don't, don't, don't. He's like, oh, boom. And he did it like really quick before anybody could get to him. And he just blew the top of his head off and they're like no don't don't don't he's like boom and he did it like really quick before anybody could get to him and he just blew the top of his fucking head i don't know how many views that has on youtube well it's crazy like how quick the blood starts pouring out of his nose that was one of the weird things like oh that's what happens yeah it was like so much here i mean it makes sense i guess for sure it's also just to be able to be that composed about it yeah he probably wasn't healthy no but and i think's also just to be able To be that composed about it Yeah

He probably wasn't healthy No And I think he was Going to be innocent Also No It's like fucking poops Really

I think so Well sometimes people Getting dragged through the mud That's enough Yeah Like that was why Bourdain killed himself Public shaming

He was I mean besides depression He was terrified That he was going to get Dragged through the mud Because he had paid off that boy who his girlfriend had fucked. And he had been so

prominently defending women and going after Harvey Weinstein in this whole Me Too movement thing and then all of a sudden he was this great hypocrite because his girl had, you know, she had sexually molested a 17-year-old kid.

And couldn't handle it. Which is fine, by the way. Listen, there's a lady who just got off, and there's all this fucking talk about it. People are so mad. Joey Diaz put it on his Twitter. Nothing wrong with a good dick sucking. He did. She blew some 14-year-old kid, and it's on Twitter.

What? Took it off. Who took it off? Not it off not there i looked what uh joey's what came down see twitter took it down i retweeted it is it because of his really why would they take it what i just deleted it i don't know twitter did or twitter might have just decided that is against the terms of service or something they're getting really weird with stuff i mean that's just a joke well people are getting does that mean people snitched because there's not an algorithm or like a spider program looking for that um people must have complained

that i don't know i'm looking for it right now i don't see it on my twitter so oh fuck that means it was taken down if it was deleted it but he can still retweet something if it's deleted, right? That goes away then. No, it's right here, dude. It's right here. I was just looking at his page. Well, you didn't find it. I thought it was from this morning.

Bronx teacher who performed oral sex on 14-year-old gets 10 years probation, avoids jail, keeps teaching certificate. Stop saying performed. It didn't take that long to get the job done she wasn't a performance there was a camera there was a lot going on it was it was a 30 second yes sloppy mess there was a lot going on there but meanwhile nobody cares she didn't go to jail everybody's like okay apparently a lot of people commit suicide after being on reality shows but you don't really sort of hear about it just because you get so famous and then nobody gives a shit about you and you don't have money yeah and you don't have money that's heavy yeah that's pretty well to have that kind of fame and out of nowhere and did not really know why you

have it and then have it taken away from you and then to not have any money i mean think about it yeah the kind of psychological tests apparently you have to take to be on a reality show are pretty hardcore not in the fear factor days oh really i bet they would just talk to people how you doing ready to eat some dicks were there like were there ever there were background checks and shit though right a few we we clearly had some insane people on that show how much were they getting paid fifty thousand dollars if they won sometimes it was more like it was a big episode like they would win a million um we had one guy won a million dollars started speaking in tongues he was like super religious and he was going to give all the money to like he was going to tithe ten percent

of his money it was like a hundred thousand dollars um and he was uh that was one of the rare ones where they win a million but most of them was 50 000 did you get to have say in the stuff that they did no no say and i most of the time didn't know i didn't know until i got there that's fucking crazy yeah part of it was me i didn't want to know um because i don't give a shit but part of it was because part of it was because i thought it would be better if it was a surprise to me so the day of i could be kind of more enthusiastic about it because it was so crazy right because some of the stunts were so fucking crazy but there was a few times where i told them to stop i told them don't do this. To the contestants or producers?

Everybody. I said, let's not do this one. Don't do it. And they were like, you're crazy. We had people ride bulls and that was the first one. I was like, you guys are out of your fucking mind. This is so dangerous. The Roman games at this point. Well, they had a 98-year-old, a 98-pound girl.

She was 98 pounds. She was so tiny. And they made her ride the bull, and she went flying through the air. Just got so lucky that the bull didn't kick her in the face. And I'm telling you, it kicked up, and her head was here, and the foot went like this.

Just right by her face. By the way, is that even legal? It's legal. You sign off on the waiver. People ride bulls. Take a chance. I mean, that's exactly what happened.

And I was telling people, don't do this. And I told the producers, I telling people don't do this and i i told the producers i said don't do this look i've had a healthy fear of animals my whole life i was attacked by a goat when i was like seven years old so it's hitler really yeah hitler lost a testicle to a goat a goat am i is that is that a myth it sounds like a myth as I said it. I remember him missing the festival. I think a goat bit one of his nuts. I'm sorry. I was butted by a goat and my stepfather had to come and save me. Like a petting zoo?

No, it was at a farm co-op when we lived in San Francisco. My stepdad went back to school and he was originally a computer programmer and then he was going back to school to be an architect. He was originally a computer programmer, and then he was going back to school to be an architect. And one of the things that he did with part of his university was they had some sort of a farming co-op thing where you had to take care of certain farming chores. And there was animals like goats. And I was a little kid, and I got left in this fucking room with this goat this pen was going it was fine for the beginning and then the goat fucking just came at me and slammed his uh did his head into my chest yeah oh yeah they're no joke and i remember i'm grabbing the horns but i didn't have any strength i was a little kid you know i was maybe eight at the time

and he had to come and save me And I was like Jesus Christ And I remember thinking from that time on You gotta get this idea of what an animal is Out of your head That thing didn't give a fuck If I died If it just stomped me to death it would have been fine Was I right about that?

That could be a total Did you google Hitler's nuts? Hitler goat nuts There are two things about it your algorithm is going to doesn't have anything to do with it I guess he had undescended testicle apparently and then he also had something called

hypospadias something to do with the urethra hole being on the underside of the penis And not where it should be Hitler had a fucked up penis Of course he did That's why I'm so angry Oh it makes so much sense

Did he not have any goat accidents? I typed in goat It said rat poison I need to figure out Where that fucking came from But It says he was bit by a goat In his younger days Okay bit by a goat in his younger days,

but I don't know. Okay, bit by a goat. Maybe he bit his balls. How it was attached to his manhood. I think every kid was bit by a goat at some point back then.

Those are fucking creeps. Back then. Well, it's also, it's like why it's like people always come to me. It's like all this us taking selfies with tigers and shit.

I'm like, what are you doing? Right, what are you doing? They're fucking, like you're in, this is insane. There's this new selfie culture where we all are like taking selfies with the bears and shit it's like use your head it's all everybody wants to do is take pictures with things now for their facebook

it's like it's like the new fucking rome i think we're gonna look back and the same way we look at caligula neuro and we're like oh they used to just have lions fight elephants for entertainment now Now we're going to look back and go, remember when we used to take selfies with bears and ride elephants? You're just going to be able to blink and you're going to have a picture of things. I think that's ultimately one of the ways they're going to get us. This Elon Musk thing is kind of interesting because they're trying to put these little fibers in your brain and it'll have some sort of Bluetooth link that increases your bandwidth with the internet. But I think the way they're going to get us is of Bluetooth link that increases your bandwidth with the internet.

But I think the way they're going to get us is a hard drive that replaces your memory because your memory is so shitty. I mean, I have a pretty decent memory in terms of being able to recall information and facts and stuff like that. But if I had to draw a picture of a house that I lived in just 10 years ago, I'd be like, oh, I don't know what I saw. But what about the things you want to forget? Like our brain is pretty good at denial for self-preservation purposes.

Right. So how will your brain handle? Because denial is a survival mechanism. There are things we have to block out in order to continue functioning or else we'd go crazy. Right. So like people when they're molested when they're young, that's one of the things that they have hypnotic regression and then they remember it. Yeah, exactly. Or EMDR or whatever the thing is that brings it to the surface.

But I think denial serves a really important part in a lot of people's psyches. Yeah, for sure. Or else you're going to. Allows you to move on. Yeah, totally. You know? So it's... That is what scares me.

It's going to be hard for, I think, trauma survivors. Certainly people in the military. There's probably some shit you want to forget. Right. You'll be able to access it over and over again

like the Bud Dwyer video. Yeah. I don't want to play that shit on a loop. My brain brilliantly erased that. Yeah. So I didn't have to think about it. You know? Yeah. That's the one have to think about it, you know?

No. Yeah. That's the one thing about that that's alarming to me. But our memories are so flawed. And there's this amazing neurologist in New York called Moran Cerf, and he's got a bunch of shit on TED Talks and stuff. And I went to this lecture he did in New York about how our memories essentially were like comics. Like, we punch up the parts of stories that get the bigger responses. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I've talked to so many friends about things that happened when we were younger, and their version of it is so different than mine. Yeah. I'm like, did we really do that? I don't remember doing that. I've had friends tell me about fights where I did something to somebody and I beat somebody's ass. I'm like, I know that didn't happen. Like you might think that didn't happen.

I didn't beat anybody up. Didn't I tell you about there was a time that I was in Portland with somebody and they were like, Joe Rogan, him and I got in a car accident in high school. And remember I texted you about it and you're like, that never happened. Who was it? I don't remember. We got in a car accident? What did he say? Some guy was like, oh yeah, I know Joe Rogan.

We got in a car accident in high school. I definitely got in a car accident in high school i definitely got in a car accident in high school once but we texted about it and you were like that didn't happen oh he had a crazy walk i saw one of you had repressed it or it was just well i definitely had one car accident i hydroplaned right outside school i was leaving school i had a 1968 442 it's an oldsmobile like a hot rod and uh those car like old cars when you hit water they would just hydroplane and i fucking slammed into a tree or a telephone pole jesus smashed the car fucked it up but everybody does it spin yeah your car you just the wheel just goes away

and you just the car just slides it's super common with old cars especially if you're you don't have good tires but i had a friend that came up to me or he he told another friend of mine about a fight that we had gotten into where i i kick somebody or something like that i was like that never happened like i would that never happened but he probably kept telling the story and telling the story inflating it and getting laughs on it or whatever you know i got super into terror management theory recently what's that um it's basically like the guy that um becker ernest becker um this is my dad died a couple years ago and um i hadn't really had a lot of death and i started kind of just i started getting into and you called it too one time one day you were like you're doing too much shit like you're doing too much stuff stop doing so much stuff and i didn't realize like when you have death and you're

basically terror management theory is this is something you know of course but that because we have a prefrontal cortex and we're basically the only animal that can ponder the future in the past like we know we're gonna die and we can't tolerate that anxiety it's too stressful for us so we basically have to keep ourselves busy and do meaningless shit to feel important. We have to win awards. We have to have titles. We have to get things in order to have a sense of immortality. Right.

It's basically just managing the anxiety of knowing that we're rotting every day. It's just dying and could die at any moment. It's just like a false sense of control and longevity. There's a great book called The Worm in the Hole. Solomon, something Solomon. I read this book and it totally blew my mind because I realized so many of my behaviors were just about this fear of death because it had been sort of right in front of me so quickly. And his death was so freak that it just it. I had a really hard time coping with the anxiety of death coming so suddenly and

so shockingly and like um it fucked me up pretty bad um but i started just making myself busy with super irrelevant shit in order to try to cope with that anxiety and so i got super into terror management theory terror management theory terror like the trying to manage the terror the daily terror that we know we're gonna die that the book yeah but it's a core it's something else it's a less corny cover the one that i have but just the same title tmt terror management theory terror management theory is a little bit controversial i think because it also justifies some like supremacy thinking, a lot of I'm better than you and like cultural superiority stuff. I'd have to, there's a guy named Solomon that did a talk about it just because you need so badly to feel important that you start to sort of have the delusion that you're better than other people.

Just because you feel so insignificant because you know you're going to die. You know, we know we're a speck of dust. We know this is all ephemeral and fleeting and that we don't matter. So we have to do things to feel like we matter. Oh, that makes sense. Because we don't. So you sort of exercise your superiority over people in mean to procreate the idea because we know our mortality is so present in our amygdala all day every day that i'm better than you therefore i'm going to procreate more and we are going to um sustain and propagate so that we have a sense

of lastingness that's why we want to make a name for ourselves that's why we want to get famous have tangible things stuff like that it drives it's an anxiety that manifests in materialism workaholism needing titles sort of shit like that wow that makes sense so nasty evil people that subjugate all their employees and yell at everybody and like that's what they're doing no they're gonna die wow yeah they know but they don't even it's so deep in the subconscious they have no awareness of why they're behaving the way they're behaving it's well they've done these studies where because i got super into it because i i didn't recognize my behavior i felt like kind of the zombie i was like trying to like set up all these tv shows and i was like writing all these movies and i was just like

and i was like this is so weird because my dad just died I should know exactly what matters in life which is none of this shit achievements or money or any of that but I was super into like I gotta buy this house and I need to get you know this and this thing and this watch and I was like this is so not who I am but it was me trying to cope sort of with all of this uh anxiety about death but they did all these studies where they put um showed subject to video and subliminal messaging put one frame of just the word death imperceptible to the actual eye and afterwards they showed people pictures of woods or cities and said where would you rather be and you would normally go beautiful woods nature and they always pick cities because you just

subconsciously felt more scared and wanted to be in a place that was safer. Shit like that. Cities are safer than the woods? I mean, just the idea of some protection and, you know. Lots of folks. Civilization, yeah. Civilization. The woods are scary because we're, on some level, know that we're only superficially at the top of the food chain. You know?

If we're out in the woods with a bear and there's no guns or cages, we're going to lose. It's like the idea that we just know how vulnerable we are. That's interesting because I would feel like there's some anxiety attached to the overpopulation aspect of cities. For sure. There's got to be some of that. And the cars and the noises. Constant noise.

We're not designed for that, right? It's a fight or flight. We're always in fight or flight mode, basically. Do you ever get a chance to go to places where there's no cell phone service and you're in the legitimate forest? Ari's trying to get me to do the month no cell phone ari's a weirdo don't listen to that guy he's crazy i'm like that feels a little extreme but i want to he's got the fucking flip phone thing going on but he's a real junkie like he had a problem with food uh he was eating candy like all day every day and i was

going bro what are you doing recently nah a few years ago years back but he was just like he had a real problem with candy just like ari develops these things and uh he would get real obsessed with social media you know he was it's addictive it's fucking addictive yeah i get i have an addictive personality i've i fucking get it yeah but i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying to i did that i turned the colors off on the phone let me see what it looks like well no i don't have it now because i was fucking posting because my thing came out today but they say a lot of the reason it's so addictive is all the colors so you can put it in grayscale so it's black and white there's a phone that they just released it's an

android phone that's all in grayscale it's like uh in that white paper shit that you get like from a kindle that's what i need it's so un it's so fucking unappealing you're just like oh fuck this gross so i'm trying to do that shit too because it's it's i think that we're gonna look back at this the way we like look at cigarettes and i think so too no we're gonna like, people used to use those. I broke my phone in Hawaii last year, and it was like three days to get a new one. I had to order one and get it sent to me from the mainland. And, you know, I was on vacation. And I was bow hunting.

So I was just tracking animals all day with no phone. Which one's in Hawaii? Lanai. Oh, cool. I mean, what animals? Axis deer. Oh, cool. It's a deer that's native to India, and they're overpopulated? Lanai. Oh, cool. I mean, what animals? Axis deer. Oh, cool. It's a deer that's native to India, and they're overpopulated in Lanai.

There's thousands of them. There's 20,000 deer and 3,000 people. You've never seen anything like it. It's fucking crazy. And they have to hunt them. It's like one of the places on the planet where there's a real ethical imperative to hunt these animals, because there's no predators. So the only way they control their populations is through hunting that's the only way and if there's overpopulation

they graze and there's no food for all of them there's plenty of food it's a tropical island but the problem is that you run into this real possibility of disease and you know it's just not good but the the point being i was there for a solid three days with no phone. And it was this weird feeling of peace. Yeah, fuck. It's like it calmed me down in this weird way. It's like the desire to check. Let me check my email real quick.

Let me look at my photos. I got to post something on Instagram. I'm going to check my Twitter. Let me see if somebody sent me a direct message. Let me see if anybody sent me any pictures that I want to look at. Has Joey sent me any of his shits joey sent me logs i think something that is so it's like such an obvious solution but i i realize so much of going to the phone is to check time we have to it's like the new pocket watch right and then once you go to look at the time then

you see your text message and you know you don't wear a watch i don't watch? I don't, and I need to. Let me just wear a watch. Yeah, wear a watch. I'm going to start to wear a watch and then also getting a separate camera. Because so much of what we do is to take pictures. It's like, oh, I've got to take pictures of this, and then I'm on my phone. Do you think you could use this with a flip phone? Woo, big pause. I'm going to say no.

My heart just stopped. Like what? Wait a second, I'm not going to be able to get on. You can't post on Instagram with a flip phone. I'm going to be able to get on TikTok. What's TikTok? Do you use TikTok? You don't know about TikTok? Oh I know about it from my kids

They do the TikTok I don't know what it is It's like live streaming dancing From what I understand I know it only from Christina's page Cause she puts on some Yeah it started as a music app Called Musical.ly

And it changed the name to TikTok But it's only people dancing It's a lot of kids Kids are all over it But you don't wanna talk Or be funny It's now become what Vine was musically it changed the name to tiktok but it's only people dancing it's a lot of kids kids are all over it but you don't want to talk or be funny it's now become what vine was but it's still based around music but wasn't vine only like five seconds and this is a little bit longer but there's a lot of songs over the last year that have gotten popular off there including like old town road which is the number one song oh yeah wow it got popular off of there off of that's how

it got popular wow fuck well it got popular with my kids for sure my kids knew about that song way before me they were singing it you never see that there's a video of little nas x whatever his name is at a school and he's on stage and these kids are singing along it is fucking adorable they're all singing along to the song it's really such a good song he's doing one with Dolly Parton I think And what was the controversy They wouldn't let the song be on the country charts That was the big controversy

Racist That's fucking racist That's all it is That is a goddamn country song It has Garth Not Garth Brooks That other guy Cyrus is on it

Billy Ray Yeah But once they put him on Then they allowed it on the country charts He wasn't in the original version So they had to put him on it. Billy Ray. Yeah. But once they put him on, then they allowed it on the country charts. He wasn't in the original version. So they had to put him on it, and then it made the country charts. Am I wrong about that? You are correct.

Well, you know, but Hootie was a country singer. Yes, but he started out as a regular singer and then came over to country. Yeah. His career kind of fell apart. That was a plot twist. Hootie and the Blowfish went away. Darius Rucker. Yes.

Thank you. He's really good. That was fucking awesome. He's got a beautiful voice. Of all the things I remember. And he, maybe that's his shit. He's into it. But his career was floundering in the other world.

And then he went into the world of hay and flannel, and they took off. I fucking drive home to a lot of his music. Holla. I don't know why that, Hootie and the Blowfish was a legit jam. I wonder why they didn't last, right? They're on tour again right now. Oh. Hootie and the Blowfish?

I was going to say, but Aaron Lewis from Stained also is a country singer. Oh, he's a huge country singer. Bro, he wears MAGA hats, and he's got Don't tread on me Tattooed on his neck That was like During the time I met him Nice guy Where like all the bands

Were like Like there was like There was like Yes There was a moment Where that's what All the music sound like Yeah

And maybe that just Like Train Yes And Toad the Wet Sprocket and shit It was all that Like The fucking Maybe we just got sick of it The band Pearl Jam They're all Pearl Jam Clones and Toad the Wet Sprocket and shit it was all that like the fucking

maybe we just got sick of it the band Pearl Jam they're all Pearl Jam clones best that's what it is they all yeah

yeah totally but yeah I think can't find a better man such a good song yeah it's a great song I love that album so good

I mean that is so crazy when i think about that jeremy spoken song i had no white like it was so weird when it came out i had no concept of what it even fucking meant yeah i was listening it was on mix the other day and i was like what was it about suicide didn't it wasn't about a kid that that blew his head off in jeremy spoke in class today i think he blew his brains out in class remember that video was fucking sinister wow it's about suicide jesus has to make out to a suicide song like i had no idea what it was even about yeah there's a lot of really macabre shit going on back then with music remember that was that silver chair remember that silver chair video

nirvana rape me how about that literally forgot about until just this moment rape me my friend used to dance to it used to drink to it smoke weed to it we used to sing along if it was on tiktok now we'd be singing along to it what a crazy fucking wild who would be the kurt cobain of today like what that was such a big deal like who would you can't have that with the internet there's someone would meet to him they'd find out shit about him there'd be a dick pick yep people get angry sure i mean he had poor judgment he dated courtney love he married her right but like when he killed himself he would have definitely taken pictures of his dick who's that big right now who's that big of a star there's so many stars now yeah i think it's we've diluted the pool and

there's so many stars we've never heard of it used to be like there was a star we all knew about well we're old that's part of the problem there's people that someone i'm like oh who's that person they have 70 million followers like never heard of instagram you're like what yeah what yeah we're out of the loop i'm i'm way more out of the loop than you. He's more in the loop than both of us. Do you think that changes in a couple weeks when they take the follower counts off of people being able to view it? I thought that was only in Australia.

They're testing it in other countries before they drop it here. How funny is that? It's like fucking, they try drugs out in other countries. They're trying out the follower count thing what that's gonna be weird i wonder what how people gonna why are they doing that because they feel like they're doing a disservice to people by having them compete for followers yeah yeah you won't be seeing other people's stuff so it might that's how a lot of people make money i know not me i don't ever do ads on instagram but a lot of people do i don't. I bet you get offered to do a ton of shit. A lot, but I say no.

Because you just think it's corny? Yeah, I'll do ads for things I like where I put it up for free. Yeah. But I've never been paid. Because it's something you believe in. Yeah, like if someone said, oh, it's a fucking ad. Like, maybe it is an ad, but it's not an ad I'm getting paid for. Like, if I find something that's cool, I'll just put it up.

Like, this is a badass movie. I think that's why people trust you so much. I think it helps. And I've been offered a lot of money multiple times to do ads for things on Instagram. And I'm like, look, I do ads on my podcast. Everybody knows it's an ad. Yeah. If I'm doing, I'm not doing that on Instagram.

I'm just, that doesn't seem like it makes sense. Like, if someone goes to your Instagram, they want to see cool shit that you're interested in yeah they want to see a picture of something you want to see a picture of my dog or food or fucking sunset or a mountain whatever the fuck it is they don't want to see sneakers that you're selling unless it's like but if it's a friend of mine sneakers that he's selling i'll take a picture of that and put it up but i don't want any money i think it feels corny you know i think for you especially i think people trust you so much and you're known for telling the truth and not selling out if you had a hashtag ad everyone was like what like it just feels paid ads well it's like your thing it would just be like make a good product i'll post about it yeah i do it for free

all the time yeah i really do and people i don't even know if they have something cool i'll put it up there have you ever felt like oh fuck that's a lot of money no it's not worth it because you probably lose in the long run yeah it's like if i was poor yeah i would do it yeah if i was poor i'd do it i did fear factor fuck i'll do a lot of horror shit it's not i'm not above whoring myself but i'm not gonna whore myself If I have money Yeah That doesn't make any sense But that is weird Because I wonder how people Are gonna

A lot of people make money From putting ads on Instagram They just delete It's not related directly to this But they deleted A bunch of accounts Apparently Yesterday

Accounts that had up to 13 million followers Really? Like meme accounts and shit Deleted the whole account? For There were a couple of reasons They might have done it Well there's a lot of meme accounts that steal jokes for stealing stuff a lot a lot

crazy the ones that make money off of it there was a girl you saw that girl on uh is it meg right who was calling out that uh fuck jerry guy who was just doing comics jokes was that his name who's my i don't know meg wright oh she was a comedy person yeah who big comedy writer yeah and who was just like connecting the comics joke to the meme and so many of them well at least they slowed down like the progress of that fat jewish guy that slowed down he doesn't have nearly the sort of trajectory he used to have but that was all what he was about it's just like taking people's shit and repurposing it and making a lot of money and then also like getting on television shows being

interviewed and not having a fucking talent at all just reposting things i know i have people dm me all the time hey can i now that everyone's scared like can i use your tweet in my instagram feed now i have to do work to say yes so you can you know it's just like but yeah a lot of people are like curators I think is what they call it is that why they deleted them for copyright I was reading that article

it said there's like they could have been taking advertising money and not saying it undercutting Instagram's advertising deals reposting people's shit all they

that end of the article said that there is no way they can get those accounts back there's it's like non-negotiable oh shit wow fuck off but so will it basically go everyone's gonna have no followers no way they can get those accounts back there's it's like non-negotiable oh shit well i don't

know fuck off but so will it basically go everyone's gonna have no followers you won't be able to see you'll be able to see your account like you'll know that you still have whatever every day i'm gonna post an instagram photo of my account yeah people are gonna recognize bitches maybe it's because like i mean people are fucking falling off cliffs taking selfies have you seen it's like the fucking darwin awards fucking falling off cliffs taking selfies have you seen it's like the fucking Darwin Awards but you'll still be able

to see the likes you just won't be able to see your followers you can't see it either none of it you'll be able to see how many likes you have on your photos

but you're gonna screen grab it and post it what I'll do is I'll post something in the morning and then three times throughout the day

I'll post it to see how many likes I got so everybody can see that's for sure gonna happen such a gangster move Twitter would be so

Instagram would be so mad at you you fuck bypassing like showing your metrics post it on your Twitter account yeah oh that's the move

post it on my Twitter account post it on my Facebook cause that's a dumpster my Facebook's a dumpster I just I don't even look at it I don't even yeah I mean

I just dump things over there like doesn't yours just connect to it? Like it just automatically posts? But it's interesting because it clearly reflects my lack of interaction. Because I only have two million Facebook followers. Whereas everything else is way more than that.

Well, that's the whole engagement thing now. So there was this, social media, it's a full-time job. So I was talking to a bunch of people to run my social media. And they're like, well, you have to engage people to get in the algorithm now. You have to ask a question so that people, like you noticed that celebrities for a while kept going like, so what are you doing this weekend? I just thought they were dumb. What do you like to cook on, you know, taco night? Like it was all these like insincere questions because they wanted people to answer so they could get into the algorithm oh that makes sense yeah i read one that said what's

your least favorite chore like what in the fuck are you what are you it's the amount of robot if you get um if you if by the way the shot of this is so funny because she just looks like a dead body she's done with us she checked out She was with us for a while Now her neck Oh fuck she's off Oh because I didn't have her on chat Because she kept Just stealing my thunder

And distracting you You're back bitch There she's back Wake up hooker Look over here Hey What's up bitch I gotta end this

I gotta be at the comedy store In two hours I know fuck And I gotta go home And hug my kids You have to go parent Alright Whitney Cummings Your new Netflix special Available right fucking now in two hours. I know, fuck. I'm not going to go home and hug my kids. You have to go parent. All right. Whitney Cummings,

your new Netflix special available right fucking now. Don't worry about following me because followers don't matter anymore. Followers do not matter. Don't like any of our photos. Fuck, no.

Liking doesn't mean anything. All right. Bye, everybody. I'm going to go resuscitate this robot.