The Joe Rogan Experience - #133 - Charlie Murphy, Freeze Love

Episode Date: August 24, 2011

Joe sits down with Charlie Murphy and Freeze Love.

It doesn't feel legit until the music kicks in. That was voiceless, too. Charlie Murphy and Freeze Love. And Rich. Live, live, live. Charlie doesn't fuck around. He brings a whole fucking posse to your house, dude. That's right, man.

I like it. I bought the whole camp. Freeze Love is my friend from the old days of the comedy store. doesn't fuck around, he brings a whole fucking posse to your house, dude. I like it. Freeze Love is my friend from the old days of the Comedy Store. I've known Freeze for, fuck, like a decade now. Yeah, if not longer. If not longer. Probably about 15 years. It's been a long time, man. You've been having a lot of reunions this week. I have, man.

What's going on? Well, I've been in New York. I've been in New York for like almost eight, nine years now, so it's my first time been in New York for like almost eight, nine years now. So it's my first time back in New York and around the country. Back in LA, you mean? Yeah. Usually we go way out in Ontario, you know, out there. But we're in Hollywood.

Right. So a lot of people are like, I thought you were dead. Yeah. So you guys have been doing a lot of touring, right? Oh, yeah, man. All over the country, outside of the country. In fact, we're getting ready to go back to Europe again in October. touring, right? Oh, yeah, man. All over the country, outside of the country. In fact, we're getting ready to go back to Europe again in October.

Oh, yeah? And then I'm doing a showdown at Guantanamo Bay. That's going to be big. That's probably where I'm going to film my next one-hour special.

Really? Guantanamo Bay, huh? Yeah, Charlie Murphy live at Guantanamo Bay. Holy shit. So it'll be 100% soldiers? 100% soldiers, yeah. Whoa.

Go hard. Real big. Will they let you talk about whatever you want? As far as? 100% soldiers, yeah. Go hard, real big. Will they let you talk about whatever you want? As far as we know, yeah, man. I was like, you know when I come down there, I'm not pulling no punches. They was like, no problem. There was a great story that Louis C.K. wrote on his blog about going overseas to entertain the troops and how enthusiastic the troops are and how good it felt and everything.

But he said he kept getting in trouble with the shit. He just couldn't help himself. Oh, with the higher-ups? Yeah, because they wanted him to be fairly clean. And he would just go dirty because he knew that's what they wanted to hear and the fucking troops would go crazy.

That's right, man. And after the show, if the general shows up and he had a problem, I'm like, well, I'm not in the Army, so fuck you. Keep it moving. Some scary people you're, so fuck you. Keep it moving. Some scary people you're dealing with, man. Keep it moving.

We're both veterans, man. That's right, man. You had your chance to get us. That's right. I'm not doing push-ups for you. I'm going to come do my show and whoever don't like it. You guys were both in the military? Yeah, man.

I was in the Navy. He was in the Army. It's a different breed, man. People have been in the military. Your eyes are more open. People who have been in the military are It's a different breed, man. People have been in the military. Your eyes are more open. People who have been in the military are like, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is for real. This shit's for keeps.

Everybody out there running around playing doctor. You want to know how the world really works? Even like when they show on the news and they show live footage of a firefight on the news. live footage of a firefight on the news, if you was never in the military, you was never around a real firefight, that's not the same thing as being there. You know, like what you see on the news,

it has an effect on you definitely, but being there when it's going on has a different effect. 100% different. Yeah. People get desensitized to seeing shit. Exactly. You get desensitized to standing there. Yeah, and bullets't going to get desensitized if you're standing there. Yeah, and bullets are flying by you. You realize this could be it right now.

This could be it at any moment. That's right. Yeah, there's a different breed, man. People who have been involved in the military are a completely different breed. That's a hard way to live, man. And for a lot of people, you know, there's not a lot of fucking options in this country, you know? Yeah. A lot of dudes who jump in there.

But I'm going to tell you something, man. If you ain't got nothing going on, it's not a bad choice, point blank. If you ain't really doing nothing, if you're sitting around going, well, that's a hard life, I don't want to do that, and you're not doing anything, you need to do that. It's better than doing nothing. Yeah. That's where I went, Joe, because I would have ended up doing nothing.

I was just sitting at the house getting in trouble. Really? Yeah, nothing was going to work in the house. It was like, oh, go to the military, and I got it together. So if you're not doing nothing, then that's where you need to go. Well, men definitely need some form of discipline. Definitely. Well, men definitely need some form of discipline.

Definitely. We do. We need some form of discipline. We need something to shock us out of our complacency and get us moving. We need something. That's true. Boot camp should be mandatory for every male once you turn 18, whether you go to the military or not. I think you're right.

The boot camp experience. You should go somewhere and get it in. Yeah, you should be somewhere. Because you're going to learn to take something home with that. The boot camp experience. You should go somewhere and get it in. Because you're going to learn. Take something home with that. You get in a situation where people that do not love you have complete control over your life. That's a good

understanding of life. These are people, they don't care about your feelings. It doesn't matter. You're going going to do what they say do. And if you don't, the repercussions, they're a lot like life. You're going to be in a bad situation. So in the long run, you come out strong. You don't trip out of stuff like other people.

It's just fascinating that we like to pretend that our society is any more evolved than the Romans or than the Greeks. And then you really feel like what the military really is. It's just our hired army. The people we pay to go fuck people up. Keep it smooth over here. Keep it smooth over here. No, no, no. Everything over there.

Tear it up. Tear it up. Crazy. That's going to always be the situation on the planet. As long as you've got people in different countries and all that stuff, you're going to have competition for resources. You've got to have arms. I know, but we don't have any idea what it must feel like to be invaded. That's got to be some trippy shit.

Could you imagine if you were living in Afghanistan, for say? You know, Afghanistan is a fairly rural place. It's a very strange country. There's only one real city. Kabul's the real city. Everything else is all these territories run by warlords. It's very strange. And if all of a

sudden, tanks show up, giant metal tanks and fucking jets flying overhead, and you're like, what the fuck? You're just out there with your goats and your bitches trying to keep everything down. Yeah, that would be a... And all of a sudden, there's American troops

with tanks and guns and helicopters. I think it's even more scary to imagine that happening here, period. Oh, yeah, at my house. Of course. That's the way I can identify with the fear of it happening in my house. But if I looked at it on my block and I seen tanks coming up the block and all that, that would be really, you know. Well, we like to pretend that we're the peak of civilization, right? But we're doing that to somebody else.

The peak, you know, there easily could be an advanced race above, you an advanced country rather, above this one. There could be some new military power that all of a sudden starts taking over, and we could be in the same situation that other countries are, as opposed to us. Oh yeah, that could happen. Things switch over time. It might not be something

instantaneous, but in a few months or a few years time, it could get all fucked up. I'm going to tell you, my service, I was in Berlin and this was like instantaneous, but in a few months or a few years' time, it could get all fucked up. It could. I'm going to tell you, like, my service, I was in Berlin, and this was, like, in 1985, 86. This was all before the wall had come down. And we were literally stationed in the heart of Berlin.

And Berlin is like Manhattan of Europe. So we would have tanks rolling down city streets, right past city buses. God damn! And it felt weird. It felt weird. But again... How did the people respond to you? They were desensitized. That's been that way

since the, you know, since they put the wall up in 61 or 62, whenever it was. So they were used to it. But even for me, I never got used to that. I was always weird. Wow. That's one of the things about going out of Guantanamo.

They had that wall there, too. When I was in the Navy, we went to Gitmo. So when I go back to perform down there, it's like my first time there. But they have that wall there with the soldiers on the wall. And they tell you, if you approach that gate or if you try to go through it, they shoot to kill. And it's from both sides. It's from both sides. If you try to come into the U.S., they're shooting to kill.

If you try to go into Cuba, they're shooting to kill. Isn't it fucked up that that's cool, that we allow that? Like, there's some Area 51 spot where if you cross the line, there's a certain line where you get too close to Area 51, they're just allowed to shoot you. Once you cross this line, we don't have to explain nothing. What kind of ridiculous rule

is that? That's so ridiculous that the people that are in charge of the government would allow something like that. You can just shoot someone who's driving and you don't have to explain shit. National security. You might think about it. What's behind?

What's over there in Area 51? You might be like, if you knew what it was, you would be like, listen, they gotta shoot anyone that comes near. I've always wondered whether or not it's really alien shit or whether it's just secret government projects. You know, everybody claims alien shit, but if you don't know what the fuck they're capable of and you think it's one thing but it really is far more advanced, you would probably think it was alien.

And then the rumors get spread. And, you know, if you're some scientist that thinks he's a bad motherfucker, but meanwhile there's some Russians that figured out some shit that nobody else has, and we've got their information, and it's in a hangar somewhere in the desert. You'd stumble upon that. You'd probably think that's alien. You'd probably think, where is this coming from? Oh my God. I think if you meet a fully realized human being, you'd think

he's an alien. Because most people are not. You know what I'm saying? We don't use our whole brain, bro. We don't? Nah. We use our whole brain bro we don't no we're the only we're the only species on the planet that know that we only use 10 of our brains but the brain capacity we only use 10 percent of us why why so how come elephants use 100 of it bears and they're elephants i think they can't drive cars but we use 10 of ours and we do all this technical stuff. I think that's urban myth.

Nah, man, we don't use 10%. I've seen it. I'm pretty sure. I saw that debunked. You saw that debunked? Yeah, yeah. He's looking it up right now. He's looking it up.

Yeah, because I want to know this. I've heard that before. I heard it too. We don't use 10% of our brain. We don't use our entire capacity. Yeah. We don't. Why not capacity. We don't. Why not?

You know what I'm saying? Or is it being controlled? Yeah, it's a myth. If anything, it's being controlled. Yeah, it's a myth. We talked about this on the podcast once before because I had heard someone else say it too. It's a misquote of Albert Einstein or the

misinterpretation of the work of Pierre Florence. So Charlie Murphy just misquoted Einstein and Pierre who? Florence. Florence. It's one of those things that everybody says. I graduated from Roosevelt Junior Senior High School, so that's the end of my story. Newton South, Class of 85.

Class of 85. No, I think a lot of people think this People say this all the time So we use 100% of our brain I don't think they understand it that way I think we know what areas of the mind Are stimulated during certain activities We can monitor the mind

But there's a lot of What is the consciousness? Where is the consciousness stored? Like for instance When you see a person That has psychic ability, right? Do you think that that person is special, that they just

tapped into something that we all have, but we don't all use it? You know what I'm saying? I think most psychics are full of shit. Most of them. Not all of them, though. I'll leave room. That's what I'm saying. When you see somebody like Michael Jordan, the way he took basketball. He was the psychic?

No, I'm saying he tapped into something that nobody else tapped into as far as playing the game is concerned yet. He took it to the highest level. Yeah, he took it to the highest level. Does that mean that nobody else can do that but him, or just that nobody else tapped into what, you know? Well, there's also freaks. You know, there's freaks.

Like, you know, just like John Holmes had a big, giant dick. That's abnormal. He's got this abnormal dick. In your world. In my world, yes. Who's against Lexington Steel? Is that a better example? He's a black guy with a giant dick.

Lex Steel, yeah. Okay, that's an unusual organ. Who's to say that there aren't brains capable of being hyperpowered like that? Some guy's got a fucking 20-inch dick brain, you know, and that's what it is. That's what I'm saying. If he has a 20-inch dick brain, then he's fully realized. To us, he would seem like an alien. Like, this guy's so smart.

You see that guy that was on, they had him on the news. He was doing all these different mathematical solutions at one time. He was talking to like 15 people, and he was telling them the day they were born through asking them math questions. The day that their children were born. He was answering questions about their life with math. What? Yeah, and he had a whole room full of people. There's one guy in the world that does that.

But then I have to go, what is he tapping into that allows him to do that? And it's all manipulation of mathematics. Wow. His grasp on understanding mathematics. He could do like a thousand mathematical joints at one time. Wow. You go on 1 plus 1 is 2. 3 times 6 is...

Jesus Christ. While you're doing that, he's doing 15, 20 of them at the same time. You ever see those dudes play chess where they play 10 games at a time and they'll walk up and down the table and play these people? I got beat by one of those guys.

It felt horrible. Really? Horrible. I felt like an idiot. That's amazing. When I was in the Navy, this dude took the entire mess deck, like 45 guys,

chess boards in front of us. Oh my God. He started at the first guy and he walked to the last one. He did maybe three laps, which means he beat everybody in that room in three or four moves. He took everybody out quick, man. But this guy couldn't tie his shoes up.

Oh, really? Yeah, he had to wear loafers. He never could master tying his shoes. What? For real? Yeah, we call that an idiot survival. It's like that other guy. He was a weapons officer, man. He was real smart with stuff like that.

When it came to common sense things, blew him away. That's interesting, man. Life balances itself out in one way or another. Somehow it balances itself. You don't get to be super intelligent and be cool.

They got this one guy that's got these real thick, I mean super duper thick Coke bottle glasses. What he does is he looks at, they took a picture of the New York skyline, a 360 picture of the New York skyline, and they showed him the pictures, and he's got the pictures all up close to his eyes through these thick glasses. And then he walks into a room, and he paints with a pencil.

He draws the whole skyline exactly to a T from memory. That's a kid that can look out the window. Yeah, we've talked about this kid before. He can look out a window of a plane and see a city and then draw that exact image. Wow. It's incredible. That's what I'm saying. And they're using the same muscle we use, the brain.

I think when you see something like that, you've got to say, okay, clearly there's levels of potential that haven't been tapped. And if we're evolving, and we think we are, right? We think at one point in time we're some lower primate and we evolved to become human. We're not going to stay this. We're going to get something else. And when you see these savants, you see these people with crazy abilities, what that represents to me is potential. This is a potential performance of the human

body. It's just not working in all of us yet, but if this guy can do it, yeah, yeah, he shits himself, and yeah, yeah, he can't fucking watch TV without screaming and running into the walls, but he can still take a picture with his mind and draw. You can't do that. If you could do that, too, and all the other stuff you do.

Wow. Right. So that's when we revolved. Because, I mean, if I had to take a choice, I think I'd rather just not be able to draw and not shit my pants on myself. I would say that, too. I would go with that, too. Yeah, I don't want to be some extreme example that's crying all the time. Some extreme example that can't get my shit together.

Listen to him play the violin. Just keep doing these problems, Paul. He's killing himself all he wants. Just keep doing these problems. Becoming the best at something, at anything, at trying to become the best, you risk becoming a fucking mad person. You risk becoming a crazy person.

Definitely. To get out there, to really get out there, to hit the highest highs, you almost have to just be fucking nuts. You almost have to just let it all go. You almost have to be just willing to go to places that other people won't go quicker than they're willing to

go harder with more discipline, further, further, further. And as you're doing that, man, you separate from the pack of... You separate from humans. You get so wrapped up in trying to accomplish something, and you become crazy. I've seen it happen. I've seen people go crazy. We've seen people go on a sport.

Yeah. He shot lasers at me the other day. Really? For the folks who don't know, Robert William Apovaya is a comedy store legend. He's a dude who used to hang around the comedy store, and he was always wearing plastic bags and stuff. He was kind of homeless. And he would have all these one-liners about weed. He knew all this information about weed. His whole act was about weed. Everything. I mean, if you want to grow 35 plants, then you need to have 35 clones, but you have to catch them at the right month and you wouldn't know everything. Yeah, but he bought a new suit recently, though, so things are on the up and ups with him.

All right. I'm glad he's alive He was always very friendly I've never shaken his hand But we've always been very cordial and friendly Because he won't touch people I try to give him knuckles once I prefer not to do that I prefer not to

So he doesn't like being touched The poor guy You can only speculate as to what the fuck that's all about Someone doesn't like being touched Who the poor guy. And, you know, you can only speculate as to what the fuck that's all about. Someone doesn't like being touched. I mean, who doesn't like a good hug every now and then? Again, this was a guy who wanted to be a comedian so desperately. I mean, he just put himself in the comedy world. I don't know if he was ever funny, but he wanted to.

He made me laugh a few times. They were silly. He had some silly one-liners that were funny. Maybe he was molested by a fellow comic. Maybe. Maybe he won't give up the knuckles. Fat time. Nasty.

Fat time. Did you ever look at fake big dick black porn? Oh, yeah. You know, where it's like, yeah, this is a real dick. They have artificial dicks, and they don't pull them out. They keep them in their pants and they just like pull out this fake dick

like yeah that's my dick and it doesn't even look real at all man. It's ridiculous. What do they do? Is it parties? No. They just do it.

This guy makes films. He makes videos. But it's a fake dick. And you could buy it too if you want to have a fake big black dick. Nah. It's so ridiculous.

I mean he doesn't even his special effects budget is very minimal. Yeah. Because this dude doesn't even take his pants off. He's just got this fake dick poking out of his zipper hole. What's the guy's name? We just met a guy like that down in West Palm. We just met. It was this dude named Jav-Time Boogie.

Jav-Time Boogie. I brush the hairs up on my chest. He had a song called I Brush the Hairs Up On My Chest. We met this guy. He came to the show. Yeah. And he said he wanted

to do 10 minutes, which I always let, you know, any comedians that are local come and do some time. You should never say that on the internet. Well, I said it, man.

You're gonna get assaulted. I said it. I said it. I let him, you better get busy because if you don't, you know what's gonna happen. So you can do,

that's beautiful. You let anybody do 10 minutes. Anywhere. Everywhere I've been, dudes come up to me and say, yo, man, I'm struggling. I'm trying to get it cracking. Wow. And you let them go up and do 10 minutes. Yeah.

Charlie Murphy, you're a fucking beautiful person. Sometimes the audience is chagrined because, you know. Sometimes it's terrible. Yeah, wow. This dude came up. He had the fake dick going around his knee. Like a Polka Kielbasa sausage. He looked like his dick wrapped around his knee.

Wrapped around his leg. Was that part of his act? That was part of his act. He came up. He was prominently displaying his fake dick. And I was sitting in the back going, wow. We can say what we want, but that is show business. That is show business. That is show business.

That is show business. He's on the stage. He's on the stage. There's a light on him and people are looking at him. He had everyone's attention for about two minutes. I don't care what you want to say about it. That's show business. Therefore, that could be you.

That could be you. Consider yourself fortunate that you don't have to put on a fake dick stand in front of a crowd to get paid sing hairs songs about your chest hair yeah you know that's a hell of a way to make a living did you ever have a hard time being in the military is hard shit that's hard a hard time getting the guys off stage where they don't want to just do 10 minutes they want to keep going that dude wanted to stay on he thought he was killing him everyone was looking at him like, yo, what is this about?

Okay, joke's over. Come on. Let's get on with the show, Johnny. I think you better light him. He was bugging, man. You took the craziest path into comedy ever, man. I always admire you for doing that. When we met, Charlie and I did this thing,

the Maxim Comedy Tour. It was Charlie, me, and Johnny Heffron. We had a great fucking time. We got to become friends, but I was always impressed that you took, you were an actor, essentially.

When you went on Chappelle's show, you were just a guy who was really good at telling stories, and a really good actor, and the brother of the most famous stand-up comedian possibly of all time. Right. And you just jumped right into headlining, man. Oh, yeah, man. You just jumped right in. That takes some crazy balls.

I think about when I first started doing stand-up. If someone said, okay, now you're going to do 45 minutes, I would have just shit all over myself. You just went right in. You never had a moment where you were like Charlie Murphy, the middle act, who toured the country and tried to do little gigs. You just went right into the fucking flame, which is really hard to do. And said, and I'm going to have Freeze Love as my opener. Yeah.

And told me, don't hold back. Do you. And that's, yo, we've been together over six years now. Because of the age I was when I started doing stand-up, I was like, you don't got time for all that. You were already a man. You don't have time to

be opening for people and you don't have time for that. You got to show up with something to say. Do you have something to say? Okay. If you have something to say, let's go iron it out and make it happen, you know? Yeah. Not leave it alone. You had evolved a philosophy by the time you ever got on stage.

When I first got on stage, I was 21. I was an idiot. I didn't know shit. I had no business telling anybody anything about anything. So I would just talk about pussy. I would just tell sex jokes. I mean, that was like my whole act. Plus, the first time I got on stage and did a show and got paid for it,

I probably got paid way more money than I deserved. But once I tasted the money, that was like, there's no way somebody's telling me I can't go back up on that stage again. Yeah, man. I was like, I'll't go back up on that stage again. Yeah. Yeah, man. I was like, I'll do whatever I have to do to stay up there. I was telling people in the audience, look, man, you don't understand. I'm going to beat you up for real.

I'm really going to bust a mic stand on your face. You better let it go because I'm not giving this job up. And I stayed with it, man. How old were you when you first got on stage? 42. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

First time. So what was that like, man? What a giant shift in your life. Like all of a sudden. It was huge. And touring all over the fucking country, constantly performing. For the first two years, I didn't believe that it was real. It was like, okay, they're being courteous to you because they like you on the Chappelle show.

And, you know, they're not booing you or nothing, so go get this money and have fun. But don't take it serious because at any moment it's going to disappear. You know what I'm saying? But then that didn't happen, and it became a responsibility. Like, okay, it's not disappearing. It's your responsibility to take this as far as you can. Wow, that's a weird way of thinking about it. So why did you think that it was going to go away?

Was it because it was too good to be true? It was too good to be true, man. Yeah, it was too good to be true. Me going into the room and standing on the stage at that time, you know, 15, 20 minutes and getting, you know, 5 grand, 10 grams. What? For talking? Yeah. Too good to be, 10 grams. What? For talking? Too good to be... Whatever I want to talk about? Come on, man. It wasn't like

somebody said, you have to do... In acting, we give you a script, a part, and we have to deliver this guy to the audience. Not you. Stand-up is you. So that was too good to be true. I was like, what, man? Come on, man. What's the hardest part about starting that late?

Is it that you're already set in your ways and you've got to shift your whole life around because now you're a stand-up comic? No, the hardest part about starting out that late for me was that I had most comedians that were my age. I'm 52 years old now. You look fucking great. Most comedians that were my age had a lot of fans their age. You know what I'm saying? I have fans my age, but I have also a lot of fans that are 21, 18. And now because of the new show I'm doing with Terry Crews,

are we there yet? Five and six years old again. A lot of kids are popping up. Wow. So when I started doing stand-up, I was like, who are you talking to? You can't talk to everybody. You can't talk to little kids the same way you talk to adults.

And the answer that came back was just be yourself. And the people who you're supposed to be talking to are going to show up. The ones who you ain't supposed to be talking to will not come back. And I've been doing pretty good with that. I just do me. That's why I've been able to go all around the world and have had no problem because when we get there, I'm not struggling with

oh, I'm in Stockholm now so how am I going to... No, I'm in Stockholm. So you're going to get the same thing in Stockholm that you're going to get in Hollywood or that you would get in New York. Me. And that's it.

That's all I can deliver is me. There's something beautiful about that. That's a wisdom and an approach when you're 42 that you don't necessarily have when you're 21. When you're 21 and your first time out is doing stand-up, you really shouldn't be talking. You should be listening.

Your point of view is really irrelevant. Yeah, you should be listening Oh, you start talking about relationships And all that stuff You're 21, it's like, stop it, man You only had one relationship Let me tell you how to raise a family The difference between black folks and white folks

You're how old again? Yeah, exactly All that kind of stuff, you know I think the fact that I was a man when I started I was already a full-grown man, helped me have a lot of tools. Yeah, because stand-up ultimately becomes about your point of view. It becomes, you know, you breaking down. This is, I've been a lion for X amount of years.

This is how I see it. Boom. You know, that's what your stand-up eventually becomes. You know, eventually. And you're already there. You already had so much life experience to jump in at 42. Oh, yeah, man. And then have the nerve to, because it's courage,

the courage to stand in and tell people. Because I think it's funny. I'm going to hit you with it. Boom. Now, we all know as comedians that sometimes you don't get that explosion. And you don't want that not to happen. But it's a possibility. But that's the risk we got to take, right?

Yeah, bombing sucks. Bombing sucks. But it's part of the program. It's what makes you sharp, though, the fear of it, you know, of it happening. It's got to be sharp. It's, you know, it's much harder. And we're out here right now doing my first

TV show. I'm the star of the show. We're in the midst of doing it right now. We're going to be out here for six weeks. What is it? Charlie Murphy's Law. It's me as a judge. People think of Judge Mathis or whatever. Imagine Judge Mathis when he goes

home. He has Judge Mathis or whatever. Right. But imagine Judge Mathis when he goes home. Right? Oh, okay. And he has, you know, Judge Mathis' background. He's a dude from the street. Right. Because he adopted this kid that's a bad kid. So he's trying to mentor this kid.

It's kind of like the courtship of Eddie's father. Your son is not soft. Your son is really a problem. Every week there's going to be some drama with this kid. I'm going to have to really, you know what I'm saying, be dad. You know what I'm saying? You have to knuckle up. He's not Theo.

Right. You know what I'm saying? He's a real kid. He's a real kid, man. He's like what most people are dealing with. Right, right, right. But he's funny, you know? So if you mix the two things about night court and that

blended together, that's what the gist of the show is. It's going to be me in night court. It's going to be funny stuff in the courtroom scenes or whatever. But it's going to be mainly about me and my relationship with my adopted son. I hope you look into Judge Mathis as your inspiration because I love Judge Mathis.

Judge Mathis is raw, man. Isn't it weird how we like watching other people go to court? Raw. Yeah. It's like watching a movie. How weird is that, man? We like watching other people go to court.

Other people. We like other people to be up there and go, oh, you're fucked now, dude. I can't believe he said that. This motherfucker doesn't even have receipts. You're right. No receipts. Why'd you even come, sir?

Shut up. Shut up. Why do we like that? Why do we like seeing other people fuck up? I think it keeps us on your toes. It keeps me on my toes. I think it's just a nice distraction. You concentrate on their problems so you don't have to think about your own. You've got some new thing to occupy your mind.

This is true. I consider Judge Mathis like school, though. It teaches me what not to do Just like I do with cops In verse 48, like if I were to murder somebody I know not to do this and that Judge Mathis has begging skills That's what I like He has professional begging skills

I wouldn't start no type of He's quick with it And he says some bone crushing shit I'm telling you, I was in a radio station with him. I'm not going to bring his jokes back, but he really tore that DJ's name. I don't know. He thought he had two schleps in the room.

First he started with Paul. He didn't know Paul was a comedian. And he made he actually freezed after about 10 minutes and said, are you a professional comedian? Because the room was, like, glasses were knocked over and everything. People were laughing at him.

He came in the room and started it and got blowed out. He looked like a tall Gary Coleman. Right. That's what freezed stuck to that whole theme, the Gary Coleman theme. This dude was about this tall. Looked just like Gary. Ripped him in the room. And then we went to the booth,

the actual room to do the interview. Judge Mathis is in there. So the guy just finished getting embarrassed by Freeze. He wants to redeem himself. He says something to Judge Mathis, and then Judge Mathis took it to the next level. It was like they played a relay race

with that guy. Like ping pong. He had him, he freezed then walked to Judge Mathis. And what did Judge Mathis say? Destroyed him. He destroyed him. What did he say? He said, first of all, climb up out of that hole when you talk to me.

That's what he told the dude. Wow. That's a judge talking shit to you? Yeah. And at one point, my man said something about downtown L.A. Oh, yeah. He said something about transvestites. And the dude said, yeah, yeah, Judge Madden.

I know you want to go down there and see all them transvestites. And Judge Madden said, yeah, yeah. I do want to go down there so I could watch you stand up and suck dick. And this dude was like real short. The judge said that? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Judge Mathis is the bomb. Are you throwing him under the bus right now?

Is this information that you get? He's real, man. Judge Mathis is real. He's a real prison and shit. That dude's awesome. Tell a short dude so I can watch you stand up and suck dick. That was where the brilliance was. Don't get it twisted. That's what made me go

Judge Mathis is the real deal. He hit this dude so hard, man. The dude shut up. The rest of the interview he was scared to talk, man. He was scared to ask questions. We was interviewing ourselves after that. Great moments in criminal history. True Hollywood stories with Judge Mathis.

I love Judge Mathis. I could watch you stand up and... Tommy... I'm supposed to ask you about Johnny Gill who thought he could beat Oscar De La Hoya. Oh, yeah, man. Wow, how did you know about that? Wow, how did you know about that one, man? I think it was Tom Segura who told me that.

That was one of the days when, that's back when Oscar was still fighting, too. That's what made me really angry. Oscar was whipping somebody's ass, and I'm sitting next to a balladeer. I respect you You're a good singer and all that But don't point to no fighter and go I could whip him I don't want to hear that man

He really said that? Vehemently man It jumped up I even I'm The fact that you brought it up It ain't like I'm snitching I told him

If I ever see you and Oscar in the same room Make it sure that Oscar knows That you feel that way I want to be room, making sure that Oscar knows that you feel that way. I want to be there. I'm making sure he knows that you, a balladeer, a croner, said that you could whip him. Yeah, man. To me, that was the highest insult of the highest level, man.

You make your money with roses flying in the air and all that, singing, you're going to look at a fighter and talk about how I could whip him? Come on, man. He needs to know that. Singing. You're going to look at a fighter and talk about how I could whip him? Come on, man. He needs to know that. He needs to know you feel that way. I did it with Mike Tyson. Remember when I used to talk shit? Oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah.

I'd do this and that to Mike. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So one day we were all together and I said, you know, Mike, this dude told me... Whip your ass, man. He really... He tells me all the time. Why don't you tell Mike what you dude told me. Whip your ass, man. He really, he tells me all the time. Why don't you tell Mike what you be telling me?

Wow. Watched him turn into Kool-Aid in his chair. What did he say, Mike? He didn't say nothing to Mike. I met the other Mike Tyson, man. He didn't say nothing to Mike. Being alone in the room. That was my whole point.

I mean, you probably have encountered it before. I've been in the hood. I've been in the barbershop sometimes. And I got to tell folks, man. They be like, yo, man. Because Mike, you know. Mike, before. I've been in the hood. I've been in the barbershop sometimes. And I've got to tell folks, man. They be like, yo, man, because Mike, Mike nothing, man. What are you? You work for UPS, right? Don't bring up Mike's name, son.

Stop it. Bring up another truck driver. Because I'll take you out of Gleason's right now and pick out any heavyweight, somebody who you've never seen on TV, and he'll make you call him the greatest. Stop it, man. You got to fight it. You don't do what this guy does. Respect what he does.

It's not like him jumping behind the wheel of your truck and trying to beat you on your router. It's not going to happen. I'm going to park this. It's not going to happen, man. It is a weird thing where dudes get delusional about their ability to kick ass. It's a weird thing, man. Johnny Kelly, he really thought he could. Back in the day, I don't know,

maybe he's more mature. But what did he think? He just think that Oscar De La Hoya was getting lucky? He felt he could beat Oscar. He felt he was more powerful, faster.

That was it. But you never boxed before. That has nothing to do with it. I'm talking about being a man. I was like... What? What do you think they're doing, man? What are you talking about, man?

These boys is fighting, man. Charlie. Talking about being a man. These boys are trying to knock man. Charlie, Charlie. Talking about being a man. These boys are trying to knock each other's heads off. Talk about being a man. That's a dude that doesn't understand what an eight-week camp is like. An eight-week training camp. He was buffed. At that time, that's when he was...

I think he was working out with Barry Barnes and he had a little cut on and everything. I was like, those muscles don't translate to a win, brother. They translate to best in show at a bodybuilding contest. Not that you're going to win the fight. And if you look at real fighters, they don't have the chiseled body like G.I. Joe. You know what I'm saying?

Look at Anderson Silva. Yeah, look at his body look normal, man. Yeah. And look what happens when those dudes come in with the, you know, the G.I. Joe kick. The classic ballet stand. The problem with all that muscle is it needs fuel You gotta feed that So you're only good for about 30 seconds

20 seconds A full fury when you're all big like that A guy can hang on to you It's like riding a bull But the bull's like a real bad endurance Then you burn him You just ride him until they wear themselves out Then they can't move

It's crazy There's a guy named Marius Pudzianowski just ride them until they wear themselves out. They have the big buff arms they fill up with blood. Then they can't move. They get heavy. It's crazy. You watch, there's a guy named Marius Pudzianowski, world's strongest man, does those crazy fucking things where they throw the beer bottles in the air

and lift up cars and shit. You know, that strongman shit. He's won it a bunch of times. And he just started doing MMA. And he gets fucked up by fat dudes. he's not throwing a big keg.

He's throwing something with punches and kicks coming off. Tim Sylvia beat the fuck out of fat dudes. He's not throwing a big keg. He's throwing something with punches and kicks. Tim Sylvia beat the fuck out of that boy. He had that dude purple. That guy was purple as fuck. Tim Sylvia was like, how dare you? I was a fucking two-time heavyweight champion, or more, maybe. I don't know.

Either way, he's a fucking world UFC heavyweight champion. And you think that you can pick up a car so you can kick his ass? It was like a slow, methodical ass-kicking by an overweight guy, essentially. A guy with a big gut. The car's not moving. The car's not doing techniques on you.

But if they can get you in those first 15 seconds, you could have a real big fucking problem. Because for 15 seconds— But those guys get street people. problem. Those guys get street people. That guy who could throw a card goes to the supermarket and you get an argument and he could probably throw you across the meat section

and kick your back or something. You won't expect it. This guy threw me across the meat section. But you ain't an MMA fighter. You ain't a boxer. Any kind of professional athlete, whatever profession he's in, respect it. Don't disrespect it. Straight up.

Now you got me thinking about fights in supermarkets. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, man. There's no weight classes in supermarkets. No weight classes. I remember a few years ago this dude was talking about jumping on one of the running backs. And I asked him, they were the same size physically.

I was like, you really think you could beat that guy? He's like, we're the same size. I said, yeah, but I've seen him run over five guys his size. I've never seen you run over nothing. You have a hard time going up the steps. You want to mess with this boy? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you're the same size, but you don't ain't the same thing, man.

Come on. Yeah, people don't understand a super athlete. Yeah, man. You don't understand until. That's why we have the ability to buck our eyes. To express that. To express that when you get surprised.

Oh, shit. Wait, I didn't. I didn't mean it. I wasn't practicing. Exactly. Yeah, you can't hang out with dudes that talk shit. Talk shit about how they'd fight Mike Tyson. Those guys are useless.

I'm telling you, if you come around me and talk about who you're with, because a lot of my friends are fighters, and I see them in the room, I'm just letting them know how you feel. That's how I roll. I'm going to let them know how you feel. It was me, Brad Blackburn,

Maurice Smith, and one other, Ivan Salivary. All UFC fighters, kickboxers, and we're all out at a restaurant. And Charlie is convincing everybody that the Ridge Hand, that y'all are sleeping on the Ridge Hand. And he was talking about the Chicago Ridgehand, the different types of Ridgehands. They were laughing. They were trying to say yeah, yeah, yeah. But Charlie stuck his fucking guns.

The Ridgehand was the Iceman in one of the very first UFC joints. My man Chuck Liddell knocked out Yarbrough with a Ridgehand. Chuck Liddell never fought Yarbrough. He fought some big giant dude. Keith Hackney fought Yarbrough with a ridge hand. Chuck Liddell never fought Yarbrough. He fought some big giant dude. Keith Hackney fought Yarbrough. And I was like, yo.

Yeah, he did, though. With a ridge hand. Yeah, well, he hit him with, like, an open palm strike to the head, too. He hit him with a bunch of different things, but he definitely hit him with a ridge hand. And I was like, yo. But I would never use a ridge hand. See, open palm strike. That even sounds like it's just going to blow in your head.

Who just executed a beautiful open palm strike on national television? We all give a round of applause right now. The wife of Rupert Murdoch. Let's give a round of applause. Rupert Murdoch's wife. Rupert Murdoch's wife, man. What happened? You just see the press conference when Rupert Murdoch was getting interviewed,

and this dude tried to come in with the pie and hit him from the side. And his wife came out with the open-hand palm strike and broke his nose. Whoa. His wife is young. She's not old like him. She's like in her 30s, man. Look at him. She didn't even hesitate.

30-year-old pizza ass. Fight for him. With a band-aid on his nose and shit. Break noses for him. Broke his nose, man. Rupert Murdoch, you know, despite of all his evil intentions. And she's beautiful. And she's hot.

He's a bad motherfucker. Oh, yeah. I mean, that guy's got a lot of power in this world. And a beautiful wife that can kick your ass, man. That's incredible. That's what you can say. You got it all. You can tell your wife, you go take care of that guy.

She comes over. Why, yeah! Until she knows martial arts, by the way. She went guy. She comes over. Until she knows martial arts, by the way. She went straight with her palm here. Right to the nose. She beat you up with yoga. No, she

came with it, man. What an old school move, though, hitting somebody with a pie. Yeah, shaving cream. What was so funny about the whole thing is, not long before that, we were just talking. We were like, what is the defense with that? And Charlie's like, wow, wow. Ask Joe first.

Ask Joe first. Okay, let's ask Joe. If you was doing something live and somebody did that to you, would you laugh it off? It really depends. It depends on if I felt malice from them, if I felt like they hated me, if I felt like they were lashing out. They try to embarrass you. Yeah, but people try to embarrass people just because they're idiots and they want attention. It would all depend entirely on the moment.

But I would hope that I wouldn't do anything stupid. All right, so I said my answer was I would whip the person's ass, right? That's something stupid. This is what he pointed out. It was funny. He said, but remember this, Charlie. Once the pie is on your face, whatever you do after that, you're doing it with pie on your face.

It makes it instant comedy. You whip the guy's ass all over the room. You got pie. You do it with pie on your face. If you whip the guy's ass all over the room, you get pie. You do it with pie on your face. To me, it would depend on the pie. Yeah, it could be delicious pie. I was like, what, is that lemon meringue?

Fuck yeah. Thank you, sir. Are you going to get hit in the face with lemon meringue pie, son? It's going to happen. I was like, I'll whip your ass. You'll be fighting with pie on your face. You'll be angry. I'm angry with pie on your face. Just'll be angry. Angry with pie on your face.

Just like there's a lot of dummies that will look at a guy like Mike Tyson and really think that they can kick his ass. There are people that look at a guy like you on stage, and they get upset at you for some reason. They get upset at you for getting that attention. They get upset. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They feel like they should be getting what you have.

I thank God that every time one of them have stepped up, I had a baseball bat of jokes. You know? My reaction was always right on time, laser sharp, and they was burnt out of the audience like a cigarette.

He's been in to witness it. And I've been in to witness you doing it. I think you're one of the best I've ever seen do it. You inspired me when I seen how deep you took it. I was like, it, I think you're one of the best I've ever seen do it. You inspired me. When I seen how deep you took it, I was like, well, I could go much harder than I've been going. Joe is telling this person, man, wow!

You know what I'm saying? I see you evaporate people. That told me that it's something that you definitely got to have as part of your game. If you're going to be standing up on the stage talking to people, you have to have the ability part of your game, if you're going to be standing up on the stage talking to people, you have to have the ability to do that. If it comes up, you got to shoot them down and keep it moving.

You can't be haggling with them, because that's going to break the whole continuity of the show up. The guys that can just hit them with the hammer and keep it moving are the best. It's an unfortunate side effect of comedy, but we started out, Freeze and I were fucking comedy store veterans, man. And that was a place that nobody patrolled. There was no manager shushing the room. The comedy store was run by the guy on stage, and occasionally dudes got kicked out because the comic would go, just get these fucking people out of here.

God damn. It would get to the point where it was just, you had to kick them out before the show couldn't go on. But there was always something there. That place was always drama. I've had glasses thrown at me on stage there. It was wild. Remember when Holtzman got knocked out by Martin Lawrence's bodyguard? We were just talking about that.

God damn. That place was chaos. I remember Eddie Griffin. We were in the main room. We had a show. It was Martin Luther King's birthday. And after the show, this was when a DJ came on. This was the first time I heard the song No Vaseline.

Right. You remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the DJ played it, and Dr. Dre and all of the dog pound. And it was about Dr. Dre. Yeah, they were all there. And Dr. Dre went up on stage and snatched the record off the turntable and snapped it in half.

And that kicked off a riot. Tretch was in there. Tupac was in there. Tretch had that big chain with the padlock on it. He was swinging that over his head. Oh, my God. All of this went on in the main room on it he was swinging that over his head oh my god all of this went on in the main room on martin luther king's birthday wow i remember that holy shit that place was

fucking crazy man his last wife flynn richard pratt's last oh yeah yeah i seen the wettest woman out there at the county's. I was in the parking lot. Richard Pryor was performing that night. And she was standing by the back door. And this other chick came around, was getting ready to come up. They knew each other, obviously. She said to that other chick, didn't I tell you not to come to no more of Richard's shows?

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Every time she hit her, another piece of jewelry came off. So when she got finished, all of this woman's rings and necklaces and everything and her wig was laying on the floor. Wow. And they was dragging her away, man. And then Richard Pryor went on stage and did 20 minutes on what just happened. Classic, son. Took it straight to the stage.

He went right on the stage with it? He took it straight to the stage. Oh, man the stage with it? Took it straight to the stage Oh, man What year was this? That had to be in the 80s, man You know, 89, 90, something like that Could you imagine if you fucking videotaped that? It was a long time ago

Can you imagine if you had a videotape of that? No one was expecting that That was like on the moment She said, didn't that take After coming on one of the bitches' shows? Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop Just started firing on it, man How beautiful would that video be?

To watch that Watch the ass, to Pryor walking on stage, to Pryor talking about the ass kicking? The pre-show. You don't want to miss it. He wouldn't have did 20 minutes of what just happened outside. I performed with Richard Pryor for a few weeks, right at the end, right when he stopped performing, when he was in a wheelchair. Remember when they used to carry him on stage? Yeah, we used to come on in the OR room.

I had to go on after him for weeks, for weeks when he did that. That was the only spot Mitzi always gave me, right after Richard Pryor. Why don't you go on after Richard, Joe? You would eat dick like no other time. Yeah, because It was sad. It was sad watching Richard. I mean, it was cool because once

Richard would open his mouth, it was him. I mean, you know, you could tell that he's... And then it was a weird effect because you'd be like, oh, yo, he's still there. He's still in there. But then you would be like, wait a yo, he's still there. He's still in there. Right. But then you would be like, wait a minute. He's in there.

That's his body now. And that's what he's kind of. It seemed like he was more in prison after you heard him do stand-up. Because it was a realization, like, this is a man who has his wits, but does not have his motor skills and his functions, his bodily functions to match up with his wit. Right, right, right. And that just was, even though he was funny, even though he was sharp, that just, it was sad. Yeah, it seemed to me like there was a disconnect, too, towards the end.

I don't think he was completely lucid. So when he would go on stage and talk about things, like they didn't always make sense. And, you know, it was, it was, it was,

he was dying, you know, and he would get this huge round of applause when he got off stage where people just would say, you know, Hey man, will you look at him right now, man,

there's not much time left. And this is one of the greatest comedians, maybe the greatest comedian to ever walk the face of the planet. The most influential, I think, of all time. And you're watching them as they're carrying him away, and then they introduce you. Jeff Richard gets on the piano. Ladies and gentlemen.

Joe Rogan. From Hardball on Fox TV, please welcome Joe Rogan. You go on stage and you have to do stand-up. And it takes at least four or five minutes to get him out of the room. Because they're walking with him out of the room. Because he can't really walk. So they have to carry him and walk with him really slowly.

And everybody's clapping and standing. You know, like a war veteran just got off stage. That's who did just get off stage. It's a good one. Definitely, man. Yeah.

I've seen that type of, you know, that work and spirit in other artists, too, like Sammy Davis Jr. The last film he ever did was The Kid Who Loves Christmas. And I happened to be in that movie, and that's when he was dying. And I wouldn't have came to work, but he was there every day, you know? Wow. He died like a week or two after we finished shooting.

He was advanced cancer, but he was coming to work anyway, man. Well, that's how Patrick Swayze did it too, right? He was coming to work anyway. Yeah, I guess why not? Fuck it. Just go out doing what you like doing. You think that's what Steve Jobs is doing? You think that's why he stepped down today?

Yeah. Do you know that? Steve Jobs stepped down today? Yeah. Do you know that? Steve Jobs stepped down from Apple today. I hope it doesn't change. I don't know, man. Dude has like, he had pancreatic cancer,

didn't he? Or liver cancer? Something crazy? He had to get a liver transplant from fighting the cancer. Wasn't that what it was? Yeah, but you think... The liver got fucked up

from the chemo or something? You think he would Magic Johnson that shit like quickly? Like, you know, he would pay for it and it would be done. What do you thinko or something? You'd think he would Magic Johnson that shit quickly. He'd pay for it and it would be done. What do you think he could do? He just has all the money in the world.

That's just to show you that there really isn't any help for cancer. You can fix AIDS, but cancer, you can't stop it, no matter how much money you have. I think some people have a genetic inclination. They can just get it. They just have bad genetics. They're most likely going to die of cancer young. That's very possible. But there's also a thing to be said for a guy who works as hard as Steve Jobs.

That that shit is just not healthy. You're hitting that red line all the time. That's true. Your fucking engine is constantly going, man. I don't think that's healthy. Oh, no, no, it's not. It can't be. It can't be.

It's not fun. If it's not fun, it's not healthy. You know, it's that simple. Dude, you're a billionaire, son. Because he's done it, man. And it's like, yo, you have done it, dude. Yeah. You can relax. You really can.

Eat some cookies, watch some TV. Yeah. You know? Yeah, he's got to eat, like, oatmeal cookies with, like, watches TV. He's got to eat oatmeal cookies with maple sugar. He's got some serious issues with his health. He's pretty fucked up. I don't know how much of that's genetic. I don't know about that argument.

How much is genetic, how much of it is medical. I think a lot of it has to do with diet. Genetics, diet, all that. And stress. A lot of diet, all that. Yeah. And it's also stress. A lot of executives, like Hollywood executives, a lot of those older guys, they start getting really sick. And I think a lot of it is just the pressure, you know. I knew this one guy, he used to work for my ex-girlfriend,

or my ex-girlfriend used to work for him, rather. Really nice guy. Just 50 years old, had cancer, you know, out of nowhere. And he was dead within weeks. And it was just the weirdest thing ever. He just seemed like this nice guy, like, hey, Bob, what's going on? Nice to see you. He's always laughing and joking around. And then boom, whatever it was, just hit him and hit him quick. And all of a sudden he's gone. That's how they killed my father and my wife. Wow.

And with both of them, it was like, you know, they got sick. They went to the doctor. They was diagnosed. They went into treatment, and they passed away. Oh, my gosh. It wasn't like, you know, it was a long battle, you know. Wow. And with both of them, like, my dad, he smoked. But when he was young, he was an athlete.

All right? My wife didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do drugs. I worked out, drank water every day, didn't eat meat. Wow. None of that. But still, she passed away before she was 40. It was diagnosed six months after my daughter was born because you won't have to keep going follow-up checkups then boom yeah cancer yeah man

so it's very deadly in its origins a mystery because it could be what you eat it could be it's in your family you or it could just be you or your personality. You're a very tense person, and you create it within yourself, man. It's deep. Very scary disease, man. Yeah, imbalance is a frightening thing when it comes to your health, when it really could be terminal. Like you could have terminal imbalance.

You could get your whole system so fucked up from thinking the wrong way, doing the wrong way, eating the wrong way, treating your body like shit, treating people like shit, and then next thing you know it. Holding on to anger. Yeah. All of that kind of stuff. Holding grudges. All of that stuff. It has to manifest some way.

Resolving a grudge is one of the best feelings ever. When you're cool with somebody, when you weren't cool with them, and then all of a sudden you're cool with them, it's a nice feeling. It's a good, as a human being, it's a good feeling. Most definitely. But keeping one and just thinking about this

motherfucker if I see this, just hold it on to shit like that, going over fake arguments in your head. If he says this, I'm going to say that. What if he does this? I had to actually learn it. For a long time in my life, I had to learn it. Don't keep grudges. Don't dwell on

negative. I had to learn it. You want to be hard. You want to tell them to fuck themselves for life, bitch. I was reading on Twitter the other day and somebody quoted a quote from Mandela

and he said, resentment is like drinking a bottle of poison to kill your enemy. Whoa. That's deep. That is deep. It is true too. Yeah. It's almost like you've got to figure out a way to make people, like, to make people that you hate, people that annoy you, people that only become a source of positivity to you.

Right. Like, figure out a way to, no matter how cunty somebody gets with you, never let it affect you. Only take it as a source of inspiration. You know what's made me better with that? Twitter has made me better with that. Because it's constantly assholes. You've been making me tell me times I've jumped on Twitter. You can't see and you can't wrap your hands around it.

Go through the, dive through the machine. Does that drive you nuts when people talk shit to you? Yeah, man. I've gotten into it with a few people and then I realize you're making a fool of yourself. Going back and forth with this person, man. They're probably playing right now. Of course they are. They got you lit up.

And the other thing, like you said, you explained to me, you said, yo, don't forget. Look, somebody says some real smart alibi or some bullshit to you. And then you look and they got like seven followers. But you retweeted what they said and what you're going to do to them. Now 100,000 people is reading me. Now 100,000 people of your fans are reading me. Now they want to know what's going on. You know what I'm saying?

The best thing to do is just don't even respond. Yeah, you can't. Block. Yeah, just block them. I just block. I go block crazy every day. Yeah, I just block them. People want to talk a lot of shit.

They want to be angry, man. It's like you could choose to vote. What you choose to put on that Twitter a direct reflection of you as a human being. What you send out there, that's you, man. And if you get cunty, I don't need you in there. I don't need you in the mix.

Put that block on you, you take care. I think if you want to talk to me that way, we should meet somewhere. Do you know how to talk to me that way, we should meet somewhere. Do you know how to get to the dock? It's funny how many people out there looking to find somebody to hate. There's a lot. A lot of people, man.

A lot of people looking for you to stumble. So they can point fingers and you go, fuck yourself. They want to do that. I don't know. I guess people feel a lot of times that if you're failing, then that makes them doing good. Better, yeah. I'm doing good. I'm not failing. See, look, look, look.

Look, they're failing. They're failing. Yeah. Yeah, that's the worst. I'm happy to see them fail that piece of shit. You're like, man, you don't even know that dude. You don't even know this dude. You never even met that dude.

I'm glad it's not the opposite. I would hate to have everyone try to kiss you all the time, like write you nice little love letters every day. I'm going to tell you, your eyes look great today. Who do you think would be the most annoying to be in that respect? Either one of them, man. He could tell you. I broke up with this girl once for asking me, am I okay?

Are you okay? She just kept saying it. Oh, really? Are you okay? Yeah, baby, it. Oh, really? Are you okay? Yeah, baby, I'm fine. Once you go get something to eat, she come back. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.

20 minutes later. And then they even noticed it. So I finally said to her, look, I'm a grown man. Why do you keep asking me am I okay? Say it how you said it. Look, bitch, I'm a grown man. Why do you keep asking me am I okay? Say it how you said it. Say it how you said it. Look, bitch, I'm okay. What did you say? What really?

Look, bitch, I'm okay. I'm a grown man. If I wasn't okay, do you think I'd come to you? Do you think I would come to you for assistance? Do you really help me with my problems? Is that what you said to her? Yep, I said, never ask me if I'm okay again. Do you understand?

Are you okay? Had to throw him out of the room. Maybe she just wanted to talk but wasn't a good sentence starter. She had a problem, man. She had a problem. She had problems with... It was weird, you know. Yeah. She was really whipped, I guess. That's the way to put it.

She was dick whipped? To the point where it was irritating. You just broke her down. To the point she was asking you to get your wheelchair. You guys... Damn. What's wrong with this chick, man? Wow.

You don't want that to be the effect. You don't want somebody to, you know, that's too much. She was just too into you? Yeah, man. Somebody could be too into you. You know what I mean? It's irritating. Come on, man.

Back up, man. I don't know, man. That sounds pretty good to me. Nah. Nah. Just need a few of them. You have to experience this. Nah.

Nah. Too into you. I felt sorry for the dude. You felt sorry because she liked him too much. I come out of the room, she's pacing in the hallway in front of my door, whatever. What are you doing here? At your beck and call. I came to see if you were okay.

I came to see if you were okay. Was she hot? Was she hot? She was nice looking, but that made her ugly, man. All your okay stuff. She did it to the point where it was like, look, I'm avoiding you at all costs. And did you ever tell her stop asking?

Yes, several times. And she wouldn't stop? She couldn't stop. What was the issue? Was she crazy? She was a little bit. A little bit? She said,

I'm obsessed with you. I was like, well, that means that you should go talk to a psychiatrist. If you're obsessed with anyone, you shouldn't be dealing with them no more. That's not part of

a healthy relationship Obsession What caused the obsession? I don't know man You just fucked the shit out of her Probably did You must have You must have just fucked the shit out of this girl

You broke her dude You broke her to the point where she was like Waiting outside your door like a dog. Are you okay? Am I okay? She's like a bloodhound for you. Want something to eat? You okay?

You okay? You okay? How many times did you have to fuck her before you broke her? Once. Are you okay started from the first session. Really? From the first session. Are you okay?

I was like, am I okay? Are you okay? Charlie Murphy. Are you okay? Breaking girls' wills. I must crush you. Charlie did a Murphy. I'm going to tell you something, though.

I'm tired of being single, man. Charlie did a Murphy? Charlie did a Murphy I'm going to tell you something I'm tired of being single Charlie did a Murphy? Charlie did a movie That I thought was the same Name as the coconut water Isn't it? Oh yeah It's Cookout 2

CO2 Cookout 2 Yeah with Mike Tyson right? Mike Tyson's in a scene In the movie Yeah I'm in it too He's in it?

Yeah When's that coming out? You guys from that last year? We feel like two years ago Two years ago? Two years ago in Miami But I don't know When's that coming out? You guys from that last year? Two years ago. Two years ago? Two years ago in Miami, yeah. But I don't know when it's coming out

because that dude Jimmy Hinchman, you know. I told the shot Kim, I told him when he was coming down in Miami, he said he was going to do a screening.

Oh, okay. One of the producers got put away, so I don't know what's next. The Wonderful World of Movies. You know what I mean?

The movies are funny, man. Movies are funny. My best thrill was the fact that I had a chance to work with Mike. I knew Mike Tyson before he was the champ. You know what I'm saying? So I seen the whole journey from the guy who was a regular dude that was scared and all these people were around him and telling him you could do this. And he did it and he became

this bigger than life person all the way to the end to now the person that he is now. Because if you see Mike now, Mike got his shit together. You know what I'm saying? Nobody can say, oh yeah, he's out of control. He's not out of control. He's a married dude. He's calm. He's polite to people.

He doesn't get in trouble no more. Laughing. It's a brother dude, man. It's interesting. Yeah, he's polite to people, he doesn't get in trouble no more. Laughing. It's a fun dude, man. It's interesting. Yeah, he got his shit together now, man. So I feel good about that. I got to work with him in that movie, so that was a good feeling, man,

because I hadn't seen him in years. I seen him, and when I did see him, he was back. You know what I'm saying? You've seen that documentary? Yeah, I've seen the documentary. How fucking powerful was that? With the birds.

If you've never seen that Tyson documentary, is it just called Tyson? What is it called? I think it's extremely powerful. You see a man cry. It is fucking incredible. Cry when he reflects on parts of his life. Yeah. A strong man like that, you have to realize that whatever was on him was no joke.

Yeah. It's incredible. That's a man who one time I went to his house, and it was six limos, and nobody would get out the limo. And I said, how come nobody's getting out the car? They said, you don't see that lion standing over there? Mike Tyson had a lion in his front yard. Like hangover style.

That's the only man whose house I ever went over, there was a lion in the front yard, loose. Wow. He was on the steps like this with a heavyweight belt. What? What? What? How come nobody wants to get out the car and play with my cat?

He was like, no, man, no, that's not a cat. That's a lion. That's fucking real? Mike Tyson had a lion. A male lion or a female lion? That's awesome. With a mane, a lion in his front yard. Loose. Holy shit.

It was walking. It was off the leash, man. It was not in the cage. It was in the yard. Oh, my God. Then he came out and started wrestling with him. Oh, my God. Damn.

He wrestled. How big was the lion? It was big, man. It was a lion, man. He was wrestling with a lion. Came over there and grabbed him and started tussling with him and all that. Jesus. And everybody was in the limousine.

Because a lion can come up to a limousine and bust a window open and come in there. I'm sorry. Easy. He could just go like this, boof, and come right in there and just have lunch. So everybody was in the car. You couldn't back out because it was all like five limos. So everybody's in the car horrified, thinking that Mike is getting ready to be eaten by this lion. But that doesn't happen.

He plays with him and he takes him in the back, comes back out, and I was like, you know what? I'm never going to be around another man in life that's going to do that. You know what I'm saying? Because to me, Mike Tyson is not a lion tamer. You ever hear about Mike working in Vegas? No, he's just a tame lion. He had one in his front yard, man.

And he had other cats there, too. Bieber would never have a lion, and he'd be like, he chills all the way or something. How come you guys left waiting on my cats? Isn't that a... Because we've seen Wild Kingdom, Mike. We've seen them eat wildebeest.

The Mike Tyson story is such a classic fucking story, too. Yeah, man. It goes from being poor to being intensely rich. Intensely rich. And the focus of attention of literally every person on the planet. When he was at his peak, man, in the late 80s, God. When he beat Michael Spinks. Crazy.

Jesus Christ. I don't even think people today, people these kids today. Iron Mike and his face was made of iron. That billboard. I don't remember that. had the billboard on Sunset, the iron mic and his face was made of iron. That billboard. I don't remember that. The strongest billboard on Sunset. Really? It's an iron mic.

His face was made of iron. It was just Mike's face. Awesome, awesome billboard. The years, like the Bruce Seldon years, where Bruce Seldon, he didn't even, like he missed him with a left hook and Seldon's knees buckled. He got up and just said, what am I doing getting up? He knew better. He was a destroyer.

There's no fighter out there right now I think that has captured the attention since him. Not like him. People don't understand, he was Michael Jackson. I'm going to tell you who would be capturing him if he was American. Pacquiao. Pacquiao would be like that but he's not.

If you look at the sheer numbers between how he was and Tyson was he's probably right up there with Tyson right now. Close. Definitely close. Especially in Asia.

He's Bruce Lee right now. In LA. You go to wild card boxing where he trains especially in Asia. I mean, that's shit. How about in L.A., man? He's Bruce Lee right now, man. In L.A.? You go to wild card boxing where he trains, people sit out there and wait for him. They wait to find out what time Manny's going to be there. There's like a whole crowd of people there. I did this thing with Daniel Tosh for Tosh's TV show

where Tosh gets punched in the head by Manny Pacquiao. What? He let Pacquiao punch him. Pacquiao's very nice. He's very nice. He's very nice. He's just barely tapping him. We had to do it a little harder to make it realistic so he could put a little pop into it,

but it was nothing. It was very nice. But every business in that whole complex has Manny's pictures up, and Manny's signed things, and he's got boxing gloves on, and pictures of him eating in this restaurant that's right there.

That's cool. Yeah, it's like, there's a huge, he's like a super superstar. He's like a, he's at the peak. He deserves it, man. Oh, yeah. And he's such a nice guy. Who do you think is going to win between Ortiz and Mayweather? That's a good question.

I was going to bring that up when we were talking about Tyson because I was watching this thing on Victor Ortiz and he was talking about his childhood. I was watching it right before he came over. Oh, he had it rough, man. He had it rough, baby. His mother, when he was 12 years old, or when he was seven years his childhood. I was watching it right before he came over. Oh, he had it rough, man. He had it rough, baby. His mother, when he was 12 years old, or when he was 7 years old, or 6 or 7, his mother just left. Just took

off. Never came back. So he was only raised by his dad, and his dad just beat the shit out of them, hit them with sticks, hit them with anything, and then when they were 12, his dad left. So it was him and his fucking brother, like wild dogs at 12 years old, taking care of themselves. Right. Scary shit, man.

Like, they had nothing. They had nothing. Real fuckers. Yeah. Yeah, and, you know, to come from that, man, there's a certain amount of resolve

that that kid's gonna have that the average person is not gonna have. But is that gonna be enough to deal with Floyd motherfucking Mayweather, dude? Yeah, man.

Floyd Mayweather's an artist. There's, you know, you love him or hate him for, like, his personality and the way he attracts fans and the way he gets flamboyant and crazy. Skillfully, forget all that. Skillfully, he's a fucking master boxer. He's a master. He's very rarely in any trouble. He gets hit, he can take a shot.

Shane Mosley banged him. Shane Mosley would have stopped anybody else in the division with that shot. It would have stopped. They wouldn't have been able to recover the way Mayweather did. Everything perfect. He tied him up. He recovered. And then he took his time before he jumped back on him.

And it was beautiful, man. He's very technical. He's technically perfect. He makes these little short movements and throws guys off, little quarter turns and shots from different angles that you expect, and he gets through. He finds out where you're going to step, and then he's waiting for you before you do it.

He sorts you out, man. He's a real technical boxer. That's why I think what's going to happen with him and Ortiz is going the distance. It's going to be bloody. You think so? Yeah, Ortiz is not letting him beat him. He's coming to fight, man. He's going to be bloody. You think so? Yeah, Ortiz is not letting him beat him. He's coming to fight, man.

He's going to have to get beat. Yeah. It's going to be a good fight for Mayweather. I think Mayweather's going to win, but he's going to have to beat Mayweather to beat him. He ain't going to be able to come in and have the night off. Right. That dude is the real deal. I get him props. He beat my friend Andre. That's a good friend of mine, Andre Berto.

That was a great fight. That was a great fight. That was a great fight. But it showed me that this dude is no joke. No joke. Andre Berto, that shot he dropped him with, anybody else don't get up. Yeah. That guy got back up and then put him down. Yeah.

Off of that. So when I put you down, I wasn't even at 100%. I'm drunk when I do that. Right. And not so many fighters can pull that trigger. When I put you down, I wasn't even at 100%. I'm drunk when I do that. And not so many fighters can pull that trigger. Be on the ground like that and get up and put the other guy down? How often do you see that happen? He's definitely a blood and guts type fighter.

He throws himself into danger. So that's going to be a good fight for Mayweather. He had that one fight where he quit. And ever since that one fight, he's felt terrible about that. He was losing his fight and he got dropped and he just called the referee off and quit. People really heavily criticized his heart. What it was, was he wasn't

100% focused on either his training or fighting itself or the consequences of losing or whatever the fuck it was. He came into a fight out of shape. And that's some shit that happens. That's some shit that young guys will do, man. They'll fuck up or they'll have a bad camp

or they needed to learn something or they needed to be pushed and then broken to rebuild and come back again. So ever since that fight, he's been a fucking monster. That Birdo fight was insane. I thought Birdo was the next challenger to Mayweather. I said, this guy's so technical, and Birdo is as well.

Birdo got a fight coming up September 3rd. He's a sniper. He's a real accurate puncher, too. That guy's a sniper. Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. I thought he was going to be the next guy. When Ortiz beat him, I was blown away. That kid's tough, and he got a lot better.

He got a lot better from that one fight. You can tell the one fight where he quit, from then on, his dedication has obviously been way more focused. Way more, yeah. Yeah, because now he's... And now with the way he won, with the way he beat Berto, what that does for your confidence is... Yeah.

It's going to be much more than if he would have just came in, stopped him early. It's that he had a grueling contest with this man and came out on top. You know, so that really does a lot for you. Do you think that there's any way that Mayweather is going to be rusty? Because he keeps taking these, like, year-and-a-half breaks, two-year breaks in between fights. Well, I think the reason why he's doing that is because of his hands. You know what I'm saying?

He lets his hands, you know, good time between fights to heal up. He's older. You know what I'm saying? He lets his hands, you know, good time between fights to heal up. He's older. You know what I'm saying? They break really easy, right? He's broken them a few times. A lot of problems with his hands. So he's preserving his hands, yeah. But he still trains like a dog.

Around the clock he's training. You know, whether he's got a fight coming up or not, it's his lifestyle. So I don't think he's rusty at all. So you think he just constantly stays home? He constantly brings them in. He whips guys' asses every week, man. Whether you got a fight coming up or not. Really?

Yeah. The guys come on to the gym. Light them up. He works out. He's always in shape. He doesn't get in shape during camp. He's already in shape when he gets there. You know?

Just fine tunes everything. They showed his training camp. He's already in shape when he gets there. Just playing tunes and everything. They showed his training camp. They showed him hitting the pads. It's just ridiculous, man. Nobody hits the pads like he does, too. And a lot of it is just... Just combinations. And you just watch the fucking combinations.

Your arms don't get tight. He's just relaxed and everything's flowing. I'm going to show him with the jump rope. Arms don't get tight. Never. He's just relaxed and everything's flowing. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta boxer for a long time and he looks perfect looks nothing wrong with him he's got no scars he's not busted up and what is that mike tyson mike tyson with his lion just rustling around with it and stuff like that in the video oh that's that you know i didn't make that up 19 year old 20 year old mike tyson right there let's bring this right here that's the mike tyson oh my god he's got a fucking tiger he has a lion tooth bigger than that Oh my god How could that end well? It doesn't end well

If you keep them long enough it doesn't end well They always kill you right? Eventually yeah come on man They might not even do it on purpose Joe Kill you by accident Yeah wasn't that what happened with Siegfried and Roy? Yeah they could play with you and kill you Siegfried and Roy that. Kill you by accident. Yeah, wasn't that what happened with Siegfried and Roy? Yeah, they could play with you and kill you.

Siegfried and Roy, that guy got killed by accident. It was one slap, like one little playful slap took off the side of his face.

Well, he didn't actually die, right? He just got really badly, badly wounded. And what happened was they think that the tiger got confused

because a woman had feathers in her hair, like some crazy peacock feathers, and they think the tiger might have freaked out and thought that was an animal, so grabbed him to rescue him,

to pull him away from that. He got Joan Rivered. So the tiger looked at that feather thing and thought it was one of those fucking beasts from Avatar or something. It was just going to pop out of the audience. Who in the hell is that? A man eating toucan.

Grabbed him by his neck and just dragged him off. Jesus Christ. Wow. What does that feel like when you hear your bones or your neck snapping and crackling inside the maw of this fucking enormous beast? At that point, your brain is saying, this was a tiger.

Right. And we're in here with it. Right. That's when reality is crashing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what the fuck was I thinking? Right, right, right. It's hard for us to...

It's a tiger. It's hard for us to really wrap our heads around the fact that shit like that really exists. That tigers and bears and... Right. Did you hear about that lady in Russia that got eaten by a bear while she was calling her mother on the phone? What? The fucking... Bears don't kill you, man. They just start eating you.

That's one of the things about bear attacks. They broke into our house and started eating her? No, they were hiking. Her and her stepfather were hiking. And they killed her stepfather first. And she got to her cell phone. And she's calling the cell phone. She's calling her mother while this fucking bear is eating her leg.

The bear is eating her leg. And she's screaming and screaming. And the phone call, she called her like three times over a period of an hour while this bear was eating her alive. Where was this? Russia. It was in Russia. Can you hear the audio online?

Brian. I missed the first part. No, there was a woman. There was a woman who got eaten. She kept calling her mother while she was being eaten. I, there was a woman. There was a woman who got eaten. She kept calling her mother while she was being eaten. I thought it was an audio clip. No, no. There's no audio clip. That would be the worst audio clip ever.

They found the body. They found the dude dead. The bear was eating the guy when they got there. The girl had died from her injuries. Was it a Russian black bear? It was a Russian grizzly bear. I believe it was a grizzly bear. I think that's what the article I said

that I wrote said. Any kind of bear can kill you. I don't see how these people be going up in these areas that's possible and don't have a gun with you. Even if you have a gun, you better have a really big one. If you see a grizzly bear, a regular gun might not be good enough.

Even at his mouth. Might not be good enough. Even if his mouth. Might not be good enough. So even if you bite me, I'm going to blow your teeth out. Yeah, maybe. You see you bite me, I'm going to put a fourth fifth in your mouth. What about a koala? Blow the roof of your mouth. Koala bears are vicious if you're a female koala bear.

I'll beat the crap out of a koala bear. You will? You'll fuck up a koala bear? What is this? It's a fat cat. They got sharp claws. Here's the move. A koala bear is on the move.

He's headed towards you. What's your first step? Kicking him. Drop kicking him. Drop kicking him? Like a footballer. Probably punt him. He's short. Yeah, punt him. Right into a eucalyptus. And you gotta hope that he doesn't somehow another time you lifting the foot up

and just run right up your pants and bite your dick. As you go to swing, you just a little off timing and it scurries up your leg and right on your dick. Because they only eat eucalyptus. That's it? That's all they eat, yeah.

I believe koala bears rape the fuck out of female koala bears. So they have to be strong and they have to have a good bite if they can pull that off. I might have made that up. Aim for the balls. I think you're thinking of Tasmanian devils. They're rapists.

They're not real. Tasmanian devils, that's a real animal. It did exist. It's a real animal. I'm thinking of the Tasmanian tiger. Tasmanian tiger did exist. It was in Australia, but they went extinct. But the Tasmanian devil is a real animal. What is it?

It looks like a little rat family type thing. Yeah. They raped a female. That's how they breed. Half their body. But half of their body. Straight up rape, man. Half of their body is, I think,

like a little bit over half of their body is jaw muscle. God damn. Their whole, they're just basically a mouth walking around, and they fight from birth till death. They fight when they make love. They fight when they're born. They fight. They constantly fight.

How big are they? They're big. Now, that's something that would get a hold of your foot when you try to kick it. Yeah, you wouldn't want to kick that. Whoa. They're ugly, man. Oh, my Yeah. You wouldn't want to kick that. Whoa! Oh my God, look at the images of this motherfucker.

And they yell constantly. Holy shit! That's like a crazy cartoon pedo bear face. Yeah, it's like vampire bears. Look at this thing. Like rat bears. Look at that thing. Wow. They will fuck you up too. No joke. If you look like that, too. Very angry. No joke.

If you look like that, you should be angry. That's one ugly animal. Yeah. There's a few of these little type of crazy animals that scare the shit out of me. Of different species, like wolverines and honey badgers and shit like that. They scare the fuck out of me, man. Because they might only be like 15, 20 pounds, but they'll kill you. They scare the fuck out of me, man. Because they might only be like 15, 20 pounds, but they'll kill you.

They got low-speed gravity, man. They're like the stingrays of the forest. They'll kill you. A honey badger would kill a person. It just would need some time. I've never even seen any. You've never heard of a honey badger? You talk about them in one sentence,

but then you watch these shows about dogs, different breeds of dogs. There's a badger, the honey badger you're talking about. There's a terrier who specializes in him. And killing the honey badger? They come with like 30 of these dogs. He may kill like the first five. Jesus Christ.

When they come, they go into his den. They go in there and bring him out. A Paterdale. The Paterdale Terrier. They go into his den and bring him out. Paterdale Terrier.

He may kill like the first four or five that come in there. It's like a kung fu movie. They're not affected by the death of their comrades. They're coming. He's like a real live Bruce Lee.

That honey badger, all these dogs are coming in, he's just fucking them up, left and right. They're taking them out. They drag them out. They label the honey badger. This is the most fearless animal on earth.

That's what they say about the honey badgers. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. There's videos online that say honey badgers doesn't give a fuck. And it all these videos online that say honey badgers doesn't give a fuck. And it's like all these videos of honey badgers eating cobras, chasing anything that's in front of them. They kill poison snakes all day. They're just too fast. They just sneak up behind a snake, bite them in the head. And sometimes they get bit.

They get hit by the venom. And you know what happens? They fall asleep, and they wake up an hour later, and then they eat the snake. Oh, he thought he was going to kill me? He blacked out from venom. And his little crazy, murderous body processed the venom, and he got up like he was drunk, and just started eating that snake again. Snake bit him with its poison, and the poison didn't do shit but make him take a fucking nap.

Wow. Honey badgers must be from Brooklyn, right? I can just imagine if they could talk, they'd have a Brooklyn accent. Honey badgers don't even speak, bro. There's no need for language in their thinking. They're thinking. There's no variables

in their thinking. You don't need language. I guess you don't. It's just fuck, kill, sleep. That's what the honey badger... Point blank. Fart, wake up, do it again. You just realize

how weak we are, man. We're so fleshy and... Tissue, like... Just nothing. Did you see Planet of the Apes? Yeah, I see Planet of the Apes. Yeah, I see Planet of the Apes. Yeah, I was saying, man. Did you like it?

You laughed. You laughed? That's cool. It was funny. It was... I went to see Planet of the Apes because I was like, I know there's going to be some material.

I loved it. I loved the gas can scene when he came up. Oh, oh, oh. That was hilarious. When he let the girl out. When it was like real prison stuff. Wasn't me, it was Monkey doing a Levi's

jeans commercial at the end of the movie. The very last scene, when he was standing on the branch overlooking San Francisco, that pose he had, I was like, that's not a chimp pose, man. That's a man's pose. It's like he's selling some jeans or shirts, docks or something. The way like he's selling some jeans or shirts,

docks or something. The way he was standing there with his hand up. He was real sexy. Looking at the Golden Gate Bridge and all that. I was like, look at this shit, man. It's tripping me out. It was weird when he was like, am I a pet? Sexy monkey.

Yeah, am I a pet? Yes, you're a monkey, motherfucker. But he wasn't That was the whole thing But he was But he wasn't But he was a supercharged Super monkey man

He was a monkey Smart as people Yeah He was an alien monkey Yeah he was I just I'm down for any movie Where chimps fuck people up

I love watching chimps I love the way they move man It's fucking shocking When you You ever watch any of those things Where they would teach chimps how to sign their own names? And they could teach them how to spell things, and when they would spell it correctly, they would get candy. So they'd learn how to spell certain things and point certain things out.

And this one chimp, they would let him into the cage. And the first thing they have to do is establish dominance. So as soon as you open this thing up, he's a big fucking fully grown, like eight year old male. So he comes in and just starts fucking throwing himself through the air. He's like a buck 60, a buck 70, just hurls himself through the air, catches the cage, right on the cage, back and forth, hurls himself through the air, catching bars. And you just look at the strength that he displays. You watch it happen. You watch him throw his body around and just realize what he could do to you.

And then he sits down, and then he'll play with you. And then he puts his things out, takes his candy, eats it. But he just wants to let you know what the fuck he could do. I'm just letting you know. If I get tired of eating these sunflower seeds, or candy or whatever, I could come over there and just smack you around. I thought Planet of the Apes was good.

I didn't think it was that funny. I thought it was funny. I liked it, man. I liked it. The gas can. Come on, man. It was pretty funny. I loved the gorilla. The gorilla.

He was smart. He let the muscle out right there isn't it funny our final destination that new movie has the best 3D yet I ain't seen that stupid movie

for 3D I do not want to see a movie where there's a bunch of people just dying yeah I never got it with that movie yeah did you ever see the old ones though

like that highway scene where the semis are going like I can respect like a crazy car accident. It's pretty cool. It's not like a fucking awesome movie, but it's a fun movie, I guess. I don't know.

I don't have that kind of free time. It's like the show A Thousand Ways to Die. No, no, no, no, no. That show's kind of funny. I watched that show. That show's funny. That show's hilarious. The problem with these Final Destination movies to me is like, oh, he's getting acupuncture.

How's it going to be? Oh, now he's dead. I respect the special effects, but other than that, it's like, what, I'm just watching a bunch of people die because of some stupid curse? This new one has a bridge that's collapsing. Like, it's broken in the middle, and it's during rush hour, and it's just like the car is skidding in, and it's just all in 3D. Wow.

So that part's cool. I'm sure. But you haven't seen it. That's what I've been told. Oh, okay. It's like awesome 3D if you like that shit. I'm not into movies just for 3D. I saw Conan and it wasn't 3D. How was that?

It sucks. And it's awesome and it sucks at the same time. Because here's the deal. The dude is the perfect Conan. Physically, the way he looks, he looks just like Conan. He can easily be Conan right out of the Robert E. Because here's the deal. The dude is the perfect Conan. Physically, the way he looks, he looks just like Conan. He could easily be Conan right out of the Robert E. Howard books. So you got that, and then you got...

Did you hear my kids screaming in the background? I need a studio. This is ridiculous. It's like an echo, though. Throw some man shit down. Hey, they run that. It's their house. Anyway, the dude was just kidding folks

don't get crazy out there the books were it was but it had no story it was like it was awesome in the beginning when he was a kid

he was a badass kid killing everybody and it was awesome and then it got lame and then it got awesome again there was a couple fights it was pretty awesome and then it got lame again

it was like awesome and lame but they needed somebody while they were making that movie to be in the room with them going what what you're gonna do what no they need a company that does that that's i want to be that i want to be that company i want to be like that's so dumb why would you ever do that you know this is so fake i could fix con. All I need is a three-day weekend and a lot of weed and some buddies that like those kind of movies. And you can fucking figure that out. You can figure out a way to end that. I'd like to smoke a bowl and take over another army. That was the other problem.

This dude sounded way too California. There was times in deep battle he was a great Conan. When he was fighting things and killing and yelling and screaming, he was a great Conan. But then he was sitting down and talking. It was like, all right, dude, you need to work on your Conan voice because this shit just sounds like some dude I would meet at Target. It doesn't sound like someone who came from that era at all. Oh, I hate that. That's like, okay, thanks for crashing me back into reality. Conan is Arnold Schwarzenegger point blank. Yeah, exactly. It's going to be hard to beat that. That's like, okay, thanks for crashing me back into reality.

Conan is Arnold Schwarzenegger, point blank. Yeah, exactly. It's going to be hard to beat that, man. Conan's voice sounds like this. It's going to be hard to beat that, man. The performance he put down was, he captured it, man. Well, he showed a certain intensity, you know. I mean, Arnold had, you know, first of all, nobody's built like Arnold.

They're all going to look weak compared to how he looked when he was flinging around the sword. You know, you don't get a dude who's built like Arnold. They're all going to look weak compared to how he looked when he was flinging around the sword. You don't get a dude who's built like that. I would see a remake with him now, would you? Now? He spent a good hour prep for it. An hour prep? Yeah. I mean, a year prep. If he went back to

the gym, he probably could pull it off. Schwarzenegger pulled off that last racket. Sylvester Stallone pulled that last racket off. I mean, Sylvester Stallone did. Sylvester Stallone pulled that last racket off. Yeah, but Sylvester Stallone never really let himself go. Arnold has clearly let himself go. This picture's it. And he had a heart problem, too, right?

Didn't he have a heart surgery? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he did. Yeah, he probably can't juice up anymore. His body probably can't take it. Sylvester Stallone, the next movie he's going to make is Mrs. Doubtfire. Sylvester Stallone? You mean Schwarzenegger? No, Schwarzenegger, yeah.

You have me confused as fuck. Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire. This is the way I can see my kids. He's a fascinating guy, isn't he? Wow. The guy who just bangs his maid and just shooting loads into his maid

while he's the mayor. For years. Or governor, rather. For 10 years, right? Yeah, a decade. He's just too raw. A decade of... Just be quiet about this.

This is the cock. He's banging her all day at work. This is the way you get to raise her on here. The governor loves you. Yeah, yeah. It's so weird, man. Imagine that poor kid has to grow up knowing that, you know, the governor was just banging his mom,

and he had a real dad that he grew up with, but it wasn't really his dad. He looks just like Arnold. That's got to be a mind-fucking-a-half, man. But you should get into bodybuilding. Take advantage of that. You got the same genes, man. Go hard.

Now that you know who your father is, better get down and go to the gym. Because he has a different mother, he's not entitled to all that cash. It's a totally different situation, right? He gets taken care of. Yeah, well, he has to pay child support, but I bet the kid's probably not in the will and all that good stuff. Oh, yes, he is. He can get in the will.

He can get in the will. He was one of his offspring, man. It's like this. At this point, that kid can look at it as half empty or half full. You're halfway in there, kid. Halfway in there. You're halfway in there.

You can make it work. It's a fascinating thing, man. I wonder how many kids Kennedy had on the side and nobody knew about them. 77. Think about back in those days, man. They didn't have as many abortions.

A woman would go live with her mom. I'm going to live in Worcester. Worcester? Worcester. That's when you know this fucking podcast is falling off. We can't even come up with a good comedy name for where this chick's living. We peaked with the Honey Badger And that was it

The Honey Badger Charlie's checking his Twitter We're all falling asleep Nah, I'm just making sure I'm trying to end this thing strong It's almost 8pm Listen, man, we're going to that What's the name of that club we're going to hit tonight?

Yeah, 1616 What's that? It's a club in downtown LA We're going to hit that It's at 1616 You What's that? It's a club in downtown L.A. We're going to hit that. It's at 1616 15th Street. You doing comedy tonight? Yeah. Yeah, that's where you're doing it, at this place?

Yeah, I'm going down there. We started talking about it earlier when we got off the subject. We were talking about how we've been here for six weeks, so that's why every week we go do the Laugh Factory, getting ready to go downtown. I don't just sit back and go, okay, I'm doing a TV show. I'm making money. I'll do comedy when it's over because I know that the comedy is going to suffer.

You know what I'm saying? If you take eight weeks off and don't do no stand-up, there's no way when you go back eight weeks later, your next show is going to be as good as your last one. You know what I mean? It's true. There's no way. It's going to be, good as your last one. You know what I mean? It's true. Yeah. There's no way.

It's going to be, you know, you got to get all your feedback up on you again. How many sets does it take you to get your feedback under you? One.

It takes one? One good one? If I stay off the stage for like two weeks. I never really stayed on more than two weeks. Right. I took a month off once.

That was the longest I ever took off. It's a weird feeling, than two weeks. Right. I took a month off once. That was the longest I ever took off. It's a weird feeling, right? It's weird. You feel heart frightened. As a matter of fact, I went, last night when I went

at the last factory, that was the first time for me in three weeks. And I told him on the way down, I was like, yo, man, I can't believe

how much anxiety I feel right now. I feel like, like I'm really scared right now. Like, I feel like I might get down there and go, I'm not right now. I feel like I'm really scared right now. Like, I feel like I might get down there and go, I'm not going up. You know what I'm saying? But, of course, I went up.

But that feeling was there, man, from just that going up, you know, for three weeks, man. That's the number one enemy of comedy. The worry. The worry feeling. The worry, you know, especially if you go up. When we went to the last factory the week before that and seen three Dynamite guys come in and blow it up.

I was taking that week off. So when I came back the next week, I'm like, you're going up but you've seen the dudes that come through here. There's not no slouches in here, man. You know what I'm saying? For the most part you don't want to come up with the big, it's Charlie Murphy! And then you know you ain't you. Do up with the big it's Charlie Murphy and then you know

you you ain't you and you you worry about that a lot do you think yeah yeah definitely so like that's especially coming into the game late with a very very famous brother too so I you know I don't want nobody to come say oh we're not seeing him and he was he was nothing you know I want you to say I seen him and he was nothing. I want you to say, I seen him and the dude is working at his craft. He's going hard at it. I can see the work he puts in it and he's funny. So the only way I can try to have any play in that is to put the work in. I can't force you to like me, but I can work hard.

But you're enjoying it too, right? I'm loving it, man. I'm loving it. I'm loving being a part of the community of comedians and everything, the whole experience. It's great. That is a big part of it, the community. The people that you meet, in my opinion, there are no dumb comedians.

To be a comedian, you have to have a certain level of intelligence. There's very few comedians that I would go, that's a dumb guy. Pretty smart people that you meet. The way they look at things is interesting. Yeah, well, if they're good especially. If they're bad, you could have a real issue. I seen a real smart. What was that guy's name from South Africa the other day?

Ah, wow. Trevor or something. Smart. He's a kid from South Africa. He's a very smart guy. Smart, man. Really funny stuff. Smart. africa the other day ah wow i don't know trevor or something yeah smart he's kids from south africa he's a very smart guy smart man smart like i love comedians like that not saying not taking his material but he said this he said you know i'm i flew 20 hours here from south africa i really had a hard time and i did my research and i didn't want to offend anyone. I found this one organization called the Klu Klux Klan. Very racist organization

and it just baffled me that Klu Klux Klan actually means circle of brothers. To be someone that hates black people, why would you call yourself the circle of brothers? That was funny. His name is Trevor

something. He broke down what Klu Klux K his name? He broke the whole name down. His name is Trevor something. Trevor something. He broke down what Clucks Clan meant. He broke that part down. He made it into a very funny joke. It was really funny. Very funny. He was talking about African-Americans.

He said, even though they're not real Africans, no one ever pointed that out. That's funny. He was born here, you know what I'm saying? Because he's from Africa. Right. So when he came and said that, it was hilarious.

Yeah, he said, I was watching all these films and trying to get all my black lingo like, yo, B, what up? Yeah. And then the minute I got off the plane,

everyone thought that I was a Mexican. That's hilarious, right? He's like a light-skinned South African dude. That's funny. Yeah, the dude is great, man. He's good, dude. His name is Trevor. I like's funny. Yeah, the dude is great, man. He's good, dude.

His name is Trevor. I like seeing smart comedians, man. You know, guys that actually took the time to think about what they're getting ready for. Well, I think people in different countries are being exposed to stand-up they were never exposed to before the Internet, too. Right. You know, your stand-up was pretty much what your culture was like. The English people had their own sense of humor. The Americans, different cities, we had our own

different sense of humor. But now because of the internet, everyone's sense of humor gets distributed worldwide. So people get influenced by all sorts of different artists from all over the place. Let me tell you, the one thing I remember about you it was when you used to do the Anna Nicole Smith stuff.

But the thing I remember is I never knew who she was before I heard your comedy on her. Smith stuff. But the thing I remember is I never knew who she was before I heard your joke. Before I heard your comedy on her. I heard your comedy and went and sought this chick out. Oh, that's funny. You didn't know the whole story? I didn't know anything about it.

You know, I was just, this was way back in the day. You know, you had the whole, come on, baby mom, give me more. Oh, dude. And it was like, who is he talking about? And then, what? A stripper married a billionaire? What?

Yeah, there was no internet back then. There was no internet. We had to come get it from the horse's mouth. That story was so awesome. I mean, there was 100 different comedians that had bits on that. You couldn't pass it up. Yeah, yours was classic. Thanks, man.

It was fun. Well, when something like that comes along for a comedian, for some people, they go, oh, the world's falling apart. A comedian looks at something like that and goes,

oh, yeah, look what I got here. Exactly. I just found some money. That's why I wanted to go see Planet of the Apes. I was like, I know I'm getting a bit out of it. Yeah.

You can't go, though, thinking that way. You got to go and just enjoy it. I didn't get nothing out of it. I was like, there you go. Man. You could have just smoked up and had a good fucking time.

Like I did. Well, there'll be another movie to come along. They always write one. They always write one where I sit down and watch and go, okay. Yeah, I couldn't do it myself. You just gave me ten minutes. Thank you very much. I couldn't make a movie myself, but I'm fucking very critical.

There's a lot of movies that just bore the shit out of me. I can't do it myself. I just finished writing one. I hope that's not boring to people. I wrote it for Paramount. It's about, the movie is about, it's like a slasher movie, but it's a comedy. It's a dark comedy about these two guys that used to be pimps. It establishes them as pimps in the beginning of the movie.

And they get out of the pimping game because there's some gangster dudes that come to town and take over the whole industry. The industry? The pimp industry? Pimping, gambling, whatever you're doing. These guys are gangsters. They take over the whole shit. So how are they doing that? The two pimps quit pimping, but before they do it,

they set these two guys up. And these two guys get locked up. They get a life sentence. They set the two guys up and they rob them for $1 million. This takes place like in 79 when $1 million seemed like it would last forever. And they give that speech.

This is the big one, brother. A cool million. This is enough money for my kids and my kids, kids, kids. It's a million dollars. And it's two guys getting it, right? So they set the guys up. They get the money. The guys go to jail.

25, 30 years later, these guys get out because life is only 25 years. Now, the other two guys are totally not street. They haven't been street for 30 years. They're regular guys. These dudes been in prison. It was hard when they went to prison. It came out even worse. And they

figure out that these guys did what they did. They're looking for them. They want their money back. And these guys have to pretend that they're something. Pretend that they're, you know, juice standing. You really don't want to bother us because we could kill you. I know you're tough and all that, but you've been in jail. You don't know what's going on out here now.

We run this, but it's all an act. And the guys that are with them are actors from an acting school. And they fool these guys very briefly in a movie, but when they realize that it was a trick, they go back to the acting school, beat up all the actors, find out who told,

what the whole plot was, what the plan was that you used to trick us, now they're after those guys. Now, while all this is happening, there's a stalker in the movie, a serial killer that kills only pimps. It's called the pimp stalker. So from the beginning of the movie all the way to the end, while this story is unfolding with these two guys that stole his money,

and they're basically trying to find a way to give the money back without getting killed. It's like in that movie, Which Which Way is Up with Bill Cosby and Sidney Poitier. That type of thing. We did a flim flam. We want to find our way out of it, give you your money back, get out of it. While they're trying to do this, there's the pimp stalker killing pimps. The cops think that

the two guys that are after them are the pimp stalkers, but they're not. You're going to tell the whole movie. I'm telling the whole movie. I'm loving it, man Brian I'm loving it man Brian I'm gonna quiz you on the plot

quiz him on the plot alright so there's this serial killer dude he hates pimps he wants to murder them all and then there's this group of pimps

that are ruling the city but these other groups of guys came in so someone goes to jail for something huh two gangsters go to jail. How's 25 years life?

That's life nowadays. 25 years is life since. If I give you life in prison, that's 25 years. Really? So after 25 years, you can get out? Get out, yeah. That's crazy. Now, sometimes it's life without parole.

That's what they have to say, life without parole. They say life, you can get out. Wow. So these guys get out, you can get out. Wow. So these guys get out, you know what I'm saying? And they're after these two dudes who are now like soccer dads with big guts. One dude works at the church. They're not street people anymore. And they're forced to go back

into the world that they snuck away from to pretend for a little while, but it doesn't work. They get caught. The guys want their money back. It's all, you know, I don little while, but it doesn't work. They get caught. The guys want their money back. It's all, you know, I don't want to get too deep in there if I probably already did. The shit is funny, man.

Did you write your book also or do you write a lot? Yeah, I wrote my book too, yeah. That's awesome. Now, your book's about you getting into comedy, right? I'm a better writer than I am a pitcher.

You know what I'm saying? How's that? I'm a better writer than I am a pitcher. I just am. You know, if you read I'm a better writer Than I am a pitcher I just am You know If you read the script You would understand It a whole lot better

Than me sitting here Trying to You know what the problem Capsulize it to you The problem with Telling the script is You start And then

You gotta keep going Cause then you gotta explain There's so much things Happening here You got a lot of shit Going on And it's hard to pay attention To all that shit

Without special effects You gotta show me some shit Unless you're looking at it Unless you're looking at it You gotta show me some shit There's a lot of shit going on. There's a lot of shit going on. And it's hard to pay attention to all that shit without special effects. Unless you're looking at it. You got to show me some shit. Unless you're looking at it. Unless you're looking at it. You got to show me some shit. There's a lot of shit going on in the movie. The movie's funny.

The only thing that may change about the movie is the title because the word pimps again. I'm like, I think I'm going to come up with something better than that. The movie is not, I don't want people to think the movie, you're coming to see a movie about pimps because that's not what it's about. Right. The movie is about these two guys that went straight, and that element is trying to draw them back. Charlie Murphy, what we need is a goddamn TV show following you around and talking about it. Well, I got something I'm doing with Terry Crews, man,

called My Bad. What's that? We got to deal with the bio channel, and it's going to be me and Terry Crews. The pilot is me telling you a story about something that I did to a person years ago that was fucked up, you know. And then I do a reenactment of what I did to the person. And then I go back and find the person and I give them their money back.

Here's my idea for Charlie Murphy, Sean. Remember that time when you got robbed back in 74 and you thought that bop, bop, bop, bop, and you thought that I was with you? Well, I set you up to be robbed. It was all of that, you know, and I give the guy his money back. And I'm apologizing. So what we're going to do on the bio channel is everyone has something, maybe not as extreme as me,

but something that you did to somebody in your past that you wouldn't mind apologizing for. Saying, hey, you know what? I did bop, bop, bop, and I'm sorry. And we're going to use all celebrities. Every celebrity got somebody that they did something fucked up to. Who'd you do something fucked up to, Joe? I'm trying to think why you're saying that. That you never apologized, but you wouldn't mind apologizing now.

Maybe Peter Chin. Oh, I did keep him from hosting one day. I had to. Mitzi was doing that shit as a joke. It was like when Chris McGuire was auditioning for Mitzi. And Mitzi thinks it's funny to let Peter Chen host the open mic night. It's fucking brutal, man. It's wrong.

I mean, something's wrong with Peter Chen. That's funny. It was almost like a parody of the worst comic ever. Explain Peter Chan. Peter Chan, he was a nice guy offstage. There's something wrong. Yeah, there was something wrong. Because his comedy was so bad that you would sit in the audience

and literally start hating him. Really? He was aggressively bad. He was aggressively bad. You would be like, how dare this idiot? He over-accented his accent.

That wasn't even a real accent. Oh, his bad, broken English. A funny thing happened on the way to 7 Revin. It's like, yo, what are you doing? Wasn't he part of Don Barris' Looney Tunes thing that Barris used to do? What is that? What do you used to call it, Brian? Ding Dong Show?

The Ding Dong Show, yeah. The Ding Dong Show, yeah. He would have all the worst comedians possible in the country. Misfits. Comedy misfits. Crazy people. Comedy misfits. Together, a Ding Dong Show.

He's got amazing tolerance. And he would always be hanging around with these cats. These characters. Yeah, and these dudes. So if there's anybody that I would apologize, maybe to that guy, because I did bump him one night at the comedy store, but I did it for my friend.

It doesn't have to be another entertainer. It could be anyone, okay? Somebody you did something to in fifth grade. Look, I think it's a great idea. That's a great idea. That's going to be on the bio channel. It's going to be me and Terry going with different people. The part where I come in is the reenactment.

We're going to always make the reenactment comedy. I think it's a great idea, but I think the world is being starred from a Charlie Murphy TV show. That's what I'm saying. We got that, and we also got the other show I'm doing. A running theme is going to be

Rich falling asleep. We had the whole digital thing we're getting ready to build up. There is going to be a camera. The whole digital thing? Only a man such as Charlie Murphy can get away with saying that. The whole digital thing. The whole digital thing that's going on right now. You're building that up.

You're building my whole digital department up. Why don't you start a podcast? I am. That's all in the making. Come on. Joe, that's all in the makings. But I only can do one thing at a time. And what I was focusing on this year was writing that movie I just finished writing and getting

ready to do the TV show. I mean, we're doing 20 episodes over the next six weeks. Wow. So I'm focusing on those two things. And once that's done, boom, then it's on to the next area. I don't sit back on my hunches at all. Definitely not. You've got DVDs, books, movies, everything.

You go to your website. Everything but a wife, man. Yeah, exactly. If I keep working hard, I'll have one eventually. It's got to be hard to marry after your wife dies. What does it feel like? It's not going to be hard to marry. No?

It's hard to be single. Right. Being single sucks, man. Especially if you've got kids because I have to sneak to have sex, man. Come on, man.

You go through that when you're in high school. But if you're a person that you're married to happens to pass away or whatever, you can't bring chicks around and bone them. Right. You can't do that, man. Especially not being loud.

Are you loud? You can't sneak them up to the room or any of that. Because when they come in, if you have a daughter, she's going to go, hey, who is that? So my daughter goes right over to the person and starts monopolizing them. Who are you? Who are you? What are you doing here? And she makes sure.

So are you having a sleepover? No, she's not. So you have to sneak. Yeah, man. Being single after you've been married for years is whack. Wow. I was married for years, so I want to be, you know, the lifestyle. My wife is gone, but the lifestyle, yeah, I miss that, man.

Definitely. Being single sucks, man. Single chicks don't cook for you. you don't want them to cook for you you don't even trust them especially if they suggest to you would you like some spaghetti are you okay you gotta be married to trust them

to enjoy those things it's also gotta be hard when you're on the road you're on the road constantly it's hard to spend time with someone to get to know them unless you take them with you. And you can't take somebody with you. They have their own life going on. If you say, come with me, you're basically saying quit your job. And I'm not telling no one to quit their job.

Quit your job and come with me. Oh, no, I'm not doing that. So it's hard. Especially when you barely know them Because that's really what it is Until you live with someone you really don't know them that well You do but you don't Until you live with them that's the key part And that's when they get to know you

I'm not talking about a year Of living with someone Living with someone You gotta say at least three years Because something's gonna happen Three years is a good time For some real BS at some point. Right, right, right. To get to know the person.

So, you know, that's the paradox of my life right now. You know, people will look and go, oh, everyone likes him. He's doing great in his business and his show business and blah, blah, blah. Yes, that's good. But that's not real life. That's a job. My real life is my family. My real life is when you come home at night and the lights go off and you're on stage.

And that's the part where there's a big hole because my wife is gone. And it's not as simple as one would think. It's harder than you would think as far as finding somebody to fill in that area. Of course, there's plenty of people that say, I would do it.

I'll come and be, but it's not the person you want. You have to be very careful who you have around your children. Yeah, man. I want to slap a few of these chicks. I'll move in with you and take care of your children.

Really, you will. You? You. A whore? A whore. What are you guys, what's that? You don't know what a whore is? A whore.

Oh, okay. A woman who is at the best of her. I just got confused by the accent. I thought it was an inside joke that I was missing out on. Yeah, yeah. A whore. That's a tough situation. While you're actually touring as a

comedian, it's got to be really hard. Yeah, for instance, I got my kids with me out here. I got my son. Son's in your living room right now. I got my kids out here with me right now. School's getting ready to start. So they're going to be with me until September 6th. Taking them back home, hanging out with them that week

school starts. Where's back home? New Jersey with them that week school starts and then, you know, that, that, Where's back home? New Jersey, I still live in New Jersey. You still live in New Jersey?

Really? And Pennsylvania too. I was just in Philly last weekend. Man, yeah, I live in Everhouse in Stroudsburg.

You know, but I'm just saying, once that goes back into effect, I'm still gonna be coming, I gotta come back out here to work on the show. I gotta go to Europe, I gotta go to Cuba be coming out of here to work on the show. I got to go to Europe.

I got to go to Cuba. It's the job I have. I can't complain. I'm glad I had the job. But that's the part of it, the fact that their mother's not here, that makes it really rough. Yeah, I imagine. If I was leaving you with your moms, I wouldn't even...

I'd be like, yeah, let's go. But I'm not leaving you with your moms. I'm leaving you with nannies. You know what I'm saying? Because my whole family lives out here on the West Coast or whatever. And because I'm not the kind of person that leans on people like that. I appreciate your help, but I'm not asking for it.

And if you don't offer it, I'm not going to complain about it. I'll do it myself. That's how I raise my kids. You know what I'm saying? I pay my nannies. I don't ask nobody to help me out. I do what I got to do. But at the same time, there's a feeling that goes along with that and it don't feel good.

Do you do video conferencing with your kids? Do you try to do as much as possible? I got Skype and all that, but that's good. My kids are young. I got a five-year-old daughter. I just don't want this, the thing you do

to support them be the thing that disables them. When they grow up, my father was never home. He was always working and blah, blah, blah. That's the reason why my life went this way. That's my fear. I work with that one constantly.

That's the fear of every father. How much time can you spend doing what you want to do for a living? To mold your kid, man, because if you don't do it, he's getting molded. The world's going to mold him. Whatever you don't teach him, he's going to learn from somewhere else. And it may be a warped sense of, like me, for instance, when I was growing up, my dad was always at work. Always.

I was seeing him one day a week, Saturday. And usually that wasn't to be nasty. That's when you was getting your ass whipped for what you did during the week. You know what I'm saying? That's when your dad showed up to whip your ass on Saturday. As a result, when I grew up and became a man, it became time for me to deal with women. I learned how to deal with women by listening to guys that were in the street, bums, guys named T-Bone and Slick

and Big Willie and whatever. And because of that, the first couple of relationships I had with women, I was an abusive dude, man. I would think, what? You're talking back to me. The answer is I'm supposed to hit you because that's what Slick told me. That's not what you're supposed to do. If your dad is there to teach you

that, you know better. But if you don't grow up with that around you, you grow up with something else because you're going to be seeking the knowledge. You go out and do the wrong thing. You know? So that's what I think about with my kids. You want to be there to make sure you're there to deliver all the lessons they need. But then when you go, half my team is gone.

There's nothing I can do about that. It makes it real scary. Especially when you start looking at, well, all the people who are talking about they want to be the replacement. You go, hey, must be out of your mind. You think I'm going to bring you around? I mean, our relationship is fine over here, but you think I'm going to bring you? I think we found the show.

This is the show. What's the show? The show is do a sitcom on what's really fucking going on in your life, man. Well, that's why the show I'm doing is. About the adopted son. Exactly. It's me dealing in your life, man. Well, that's why the show I'm doing is... About the adopted son. Exactly. It's me dealing with my kids, man. And I'm single.

I'm going to have the same challenges as I have in my real life. And I can definitely bring experience to that situation. Do you bring your kids on the road with you ever? Do you ever bring them places? I have done it, but my kids don't like to be at work with you. Right. You know, for no longer than five minutes. Right.

When they get there, they check it out. Okay, now where's the toys at? Where's my world? Right, right, right. Where's the kiddie things at? So I have my kids with me on the road when their mom's alive. But since she's passed away, I haven't had them with me because I'm a horrible

fun buddy for a kid. We go to Seattle. Oh, let's go check out and I'll be in the room going, well, if I go there, I'm going to have to sign autographs and take pictures. I'm not going to be able to do it the way you got.

And it's going to... You don't just go to Disneyland? be able to do it the way you guys. So it's going to – You don't just, like, go to Disneyland? I have to go on certain days, man. You know what I'm saying? I don't go when it's peak, you know, when everybody's there, because then I become goofy or Mickey Mouse, you know what I'm saying, to the other people who came here on vacation. You know, the other day we were staying on 1717 Vine Street.

It's a hotel called the redberry right it's right on the walk of fame and all that my kids in the hotel looking at the balcony we want to go for a walk and i was okay you can go for a walk with the nanny there's no way i want to walk on a walk of fame in broad daylight with my kids and i know that that's a tourist attraction it's people on buses you know driving around have the tour buses driving around on star searches or what have you. And if you're from Kansas or wherever you may be from, and you go to Hollywood and you see someone you've seen on television, what are you going to do?

You're going to go crazy, and you should. So that's why I was like, you better stay in your room. Because if you go down there with your kids, it's not going to be good. Have you ever thought about, like, disguises, like blonde wigs? Absolutely not. I refuse. I refuse to wear a disguise. That's just not out of the blue. That actually happened

on St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York. St. Patrick's Day Parade a week before that, it was a blackout in my town. I had lost power in my house for like a week staying in New York at the London Hotel. So St. Patrick's Day was during that week.

I'm not Irish, even though my name is Murphy. I don't be aware when St. Patrick's Day is coming up. My last name is Rogan and I don't know when it's coming up. I walked outside with my two kids and we was walking around Manhattan supposedly going to walk over to Central Park

and I see all the hoopla on Fifth Avenue. I'm like, oh, it's St. Patrick's Day. Do you kids want to go to the St. Patrick's Day parade? They was like, yeah, Daddy, because they had never been. I walked them. It was just me and my two kids, man. I walked them up to the crowd, put my daughter on my shoulder, and we were watching the parade, and I heard somebody go,

yo, that's Charlie Murphy. Yo, that's Charlie Murphy! Then it started from this side, the left and the right, and then you see the people looking at you, and they're coming forward, and my daughter started screaming, man, because it was a lot of people, and they had us pressed on the wall of the building. Charlie Murphy! Screaming, and my daughter's screaming you know and from fear man i'm holding my son's arm and i had to just turn into like a animal man

get the f out of here just push through the crowd and run with my kids man and as i'm doing i'm going you're an idiot what made you think that you could stand on Fifth Avenue in broad daylight on St. Patrick's Day in a crowd with your children and that was a safe thing to do? But I forgot for that one split second what I do for a living. You know what I'm saying? It can't make me bite my ass. Blonde wig, that's what I would do. Maybe dress like a furry. This is why you never wear a disguise.

Maybe you could be a furry. Because you're not fooling anyone. They look over there and go, that's so-and-so with a disguise on. I could be a furry and you would never know. That's Joe Rogan over there. Fox. I'd be a fox.

That's what I would be. I was going to be a furry. If I was going to be a mascot, one of those dudes wandering around. I don't mind people coming up to me if I'm not with my kids. It's part of it. But when you're with your children, it's different. You're thinking about their safety or whatever, especially in a crowd situation.

And then when you have somebody that's really not acting like an adult, jumping around and screaming loud, that's horrifying to a kid, man. Right. So, yeah, I'm real sensitive about that, you know, which I should be. I'm a parent. I guess any parent would, but you don't want to see somebody scaring the shit out of your children. No, of course. I'm sensitive about that, too.

You got to be careful. But I go everywhere. I just go places, you know. Most of the time, people leave me alone. And when people say hi, they're usually pretty nice. And when I'm with my kids, very rarely do they ask for pictures. i just say man come on i got my kids here and luckily you could pretty much take care of business if you have to like louis ck louis ck had an episode last week about the same thing happening where he was out with his kids and these two guys came up and started

like yeah we're gonna get you you know like get his kids and stuff like that. It was fucking scary. Oh, wow. But, you know, Louie is not a big guy and these guys were like big in the show and stuff, but that's scary because people... And then I had that thing where, you know, the way most people came to know me, the way my name was pronounced to them as a

scream is the way they say it back. Right. Okay, they're not screaming just because they're excited. That's the way Charlie Mercury, the way you're supposed to say it. Charlie Mercury! That's just how you're supposed to say it. So when you got ten people doing it from different directions and you're holding your kid,

who doesn't even understand any of the dynamics of that? It's going to scare the shit out of your kid. Do you talk to Dave Chappelle? Yeah, I talked to him last week, man Dave's alright How's he doing? He's doing alright

He's still doing some stand-up, you know And that's about it As far as what I know That he's involved I heard a rumor that he was doing something on the internet But I don't think that's true Yeah, I heard that rumor too I just wish the guy would do more stand-up

I wish he would put out some DVDs or something. He's a brilliant comedian, man. Great. When was the last time you heard one of his bits, though? Great. It's unfortunate. I mean, I love a guy like Louis C.K. who puts out a new DVD every year or so, but I just wish David put something out.

Well, I would think that eventually he's going to have to. He has to be doing something. I mean, he may have had a lot of money when he first walked away, but you're spending that money. Eventually you have to do something. Right. You have to put something out and do something. I have enough money to last the rest of my

life when you got kids. One million dollars. He got four kids. One million dollars. Dave got four kids. One million dollars. Dave lives in Ohio, right? Yeah. Even in Ohio, one million dollars ain't going to last you very long, man.

I'm sure you got a couple million dollars, but you got to work, man. What's Ohio all about? Why does he live out there? Oh, it's very sheltered. If you got money and you move to Ohio, your kids are going to be... You don't have to worry about nothing, man. What do you mean?

It's safe, man. It's not a fast-moving place. Oh, I see. It's not a lot of, you know, crime and all that other stuff. This kid grew up in Ohio. Oh, he lives on a farm? Yeah. Really?

He lives near hippies, like Silver Springs, Ohio or whatever. It's like a lot of hippies over there Really? Good skiing Hippies in a farm Hippies in a farm The good life You'll never see me do it

It's been a lot of fun being your friend It's been a lot of fun meeting you Had a great time doing that Maxim tour with you We're going to do it again, man. We're going to do something. I would love to do something with you. Anything. I'm just glad we got this done because we've been trying to do this for about two years. Yeah, we've been talking about forever.

And I was feeling like Joe at this point probably thinks that I'm for SH. No, man. I never thought that. I keep saying, yeah, Joe, I want to come through your podcast. I want to come through Joe. But we were never here. I know you're busy as fuck and I know you got kids because I'm busy as fuck and I got kids. I want to come through Joe. But we were never here. I know you're busy as fuck, and I know you got kids, because I'm busy as fuck, and I got kids.

I know what it's like. Never here, man. No worries, dude. It was fun running into you in Hawaii, too. That was kind of crazy. You know what? Actually, when you see me in Hawaii was when I first started writing that movie that I just finished writing.

Really? On that vacation is when I started writing it. Yeah. That's what ruined the vacation for me. Just out of nowhere, we were staying at the same hotel together. I started brainstorming and all that. Relaxing, man. And I was with a girl in Hawaii.

I don't know if you've seen her. I was in love with that girl. Remember that girl? The one I took to Hawaii? Fell in love with the girl. Then with the kids. I was like, this is going to be the one that will introduce my children. She was perfect. And then we had a conversation, and she told me, you know,

I just realized from observing you and your children that you're a pussy of a father. Whoa. I was like, what? She said, you give your kids whatever they want. And there's two reasons why. One is because they lost their mom, and the other one is because you feel guilty because you're going the road. But when I meet your kids, I want to introduce them to tough love.

And I was like, really? I talked to you later. I've never talked to her again since then. That was a girl I had no idea. Wow. What do you mean you're going to introduce my kids to tough love? Whoa. Yeah, that's instinctual.

The mothers don't like other children The new wife doesn't like The children of the lost mother It's just natural You're going to have to find a powerful woman A woman who Is really pure And honest and loving

Someone who really is going to love and respect those kids It's fucking difficult I let them know If you do anything to my kids, if you hurt their feelings or anything, I'm going to match your contribution to you. How many evil stepmothers are there? I used to tell their own mother that. In movies, in stories, it's always evil stepmothers.

I don't play that shit, man. Because I've seen it. I hear you. When you come around my kids, If my kids tell me anything, you said it did to them when I was not around, I'm taking their word for it. Yeah. That's my team right now.

You know, and that, that's, you know, that's what I look at. That's my, any wrong person that comes in, you can help whatever,

but you're not, you're not making them uncomfortable. You're a good man, Charlie Murphy. Thanks for coming over, dude. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having over, dude. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me, man.

I'm going to have to move this Kevin Smith one. Kevin, I've got to call you up. You're not supposed to find out about it this way, but it was supposed to be August 30th. Kevin Smith was doing it, but we're going to have to move that. And that's it. Freaks, thanks for tuning in. If you can thank our sponsor, is it the Fleshlight? What is it?

It's the Fleshlight, the is it? The Fleshlight. The number one sex toy for men, Joe. If you go on your website, you have a coupon code. And you put in the name Rogan? Yeah, it's 15% off. And you can fuck and think that you're saving money. It's even better. Oh, okay.

All right, that's it, folks. That's what's up. That's what's up. I've got to update this Ustream page, man, the Twitter page. I've got some new dates. Different dates? Yeah, I was going to say what they are page, man, the Twitter page. Different dates? Yeah, I was going to say what they are, but I don't remember them. Because this is a fucking mess.

Oh, okay. September 30th, I'm at the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. That's a new one. And then the Verizon Center in Houston, Texas, October 7th. And that's it. So I'll see you guys next week.

Thank you to The Flashlight. Thank you to Charlie Murphy. Thank you, Freeze Love. Thank you. Rich, wake up. Wake up, Rich. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. I'm playing the show. Thank you.