The Joe Rogan Experience - #1348 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

Bill Burr is a standup comedian and also hosts his own podcast called “Monday Morning Podcast” available on Spotify. His new special "Paper Tiger" is now streaming on Netflix.

Two, one. Young Bill Burr, Paper Tiger, coming out tonight on Netflix. Ooh, exciting. Are you pumped? Yes, I am. I'm very excited, I think, more just to see, you know, just to people see how good it looks. It was Mike Binder directed it.

And, you know, I just, I don't know, I just had this idea for how a special I wanted it to look. And none of it really had to do with other, like, necessarily comedy specials. More like rock concerts that I saw. I'm not saying it's all, like, super jumpy and stuff. But just sort of like, I don't know. It's weird how the way they shot shit back in the day where they held shots longer. So it sucked you in.

So you kind of felt, not necessarily that you were there but the presence of being there and i really have this belief that if you fucking go edit really quick quick quick quick quick it's like flipping through the channels and each time like your brain resets yeah and like when you go to a show you're just sitting there looking at the band or looking at the comedian like that it's not like i'm here now i'm in the balcony now i'm behind you now i'm up here and all that so we try to make sure like the pacing of it i explained it to him and he was just like i get it well he's a comic so yeah that certainly helps yeah so the way he did it uh i hope that people see that as opposed to the shit that they normally do like how can i get offended well they're definitely gonna get offended it's uh

it's a sport now to get offended by comedy. It seems like people get excited to be offended. I know. A lot of the questions I've gotten from people, non-comedians, have been about, you know, well, in the light of Dave's special, it's just like, weren't you guys all mad at Sebastian like a week ago? Now it's Dave. Were they mad at him for the VH1 thing?

No, they weren't. One person got mad and wrote something. And then everybody, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I didn't realize I didn't like that. I don't like that. What was it? I didn't hear a peep out of that. Did you hear? I don't want to start it back up for him.

Oh. Don't try to get him all going again. It was just like. I don't know why he did that anyway. I was like, those things are never fun. You're basically, you know, you're the host of what's a commercial for a bunch of bands. It's just, he's a great comic. He sells out Madison Square Garden.

Four times. And he did a great job, too. Yeah. He did a great job. Somebody was talking about- Four times in two nights. Yeah. Which is crazy. He turned over Madison Square Garden like a comedy club.

Yeah. Like he was doing an improv. Like he's doing the fucking- I got two shows Fridays, two shows Saturday. Come down and see me. Madison Square Garden. It said, oh yeah, Madison Square Garden. In the round.

There was no other way. 18,000 people. Yeah. 18 times. I was going to say, he could have done Giant Stadium. He could have. He really could have. But Stadium he could have he really could have but it's like

why bother why bother doing a VH1 music awards it's just it's not a good venue for comedy it's not a good

like people see him it's not you know why because Eddie did it Chris did it um I'm gonna talk too much to keep this fucking thing going

and it's like a it's a legendary old school stand-up gig. VH1 Music Awards? No, it was MTV. Was it MTV Music Awards? They're all the same to me. Does VH1 have their own music awards? They don't? Look at me.

I'm fucking so old. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Are they making CDs? Are they selling CDs after the show? I know. I still remember that MTV was cooler than VH1. Does your Jaguar

have a CD player? No. Why? My car doesn't have one either. All right. My Tesla doesn't have a phone. I was trying to do the math. Is he suddenly insulting me?

No. You got a cassette tape in there? I'm just saying they don't have them anymore. I got a VCR in the trunk. Somewhere along the line, they just stopped making them. Well, that's the thing.

You know, I was in New York all summer and all those, all those up and coming rappers are like trying to hand you a CD. It's like, what am I going to do with that? They still have CDs?

Well, then they do something and then they, oh, just click on this or scan this and it goes to like a Vimeo page. And then I'm like, is this guy in my phone now? Like, what just happened?

Does he have my contacts? Yeah, so I just kind of steer clear to them. I get weirded out by those little Q scan things. Is that what they call them? Was it Q what was it? QR code. QR code. I get weirded out by those things because your camera goes on it,

and then boom, it opens up a website. I'm like, like what is happening here i'll tell you what's a weird one is they have home security systems now where i was reading an ad for this on my podcast and i was thinking like afterwards like like a lot of times home i guess um i don't know alarm goes off because your window blows open and then everybody fucking shows up and it's like, oh, sorry, the window blew open. This actually has video cameras so they can confirm that somebody is in your house.

But then I'm thinking like, well, what's to stop them from just turn that on and start watching your life like a show? Nothing. Like, hey, they're fighting again.

Well, for sure, if there's a stream, it's possible for someone to do that. For sure. If there's a stream and someone can get to it. No's a stream no no in the contract it says we would never do that oh okay oh it's not like some people don't look at this doorbell camera from ring has partnered with 400 police forces extending surveillance concerns yeah yeah yeah i mean as long as they're just using it to catch the bad guys which is gonna be

what they're saying but there's gonna be somebody somebody has their dick in their hand right now looking at that looking through that

doorbell it's inevitable and then the way people get obsessed like then you're jerking off just to the woman walking up to the door to go

into her house and it's not enough man I gotta see what's behind the door calls up hey would you be interested in uh furthering your security no i think the doorbell is enough interesting you say that we just had a case the other day where unfortunately she thought it was enough and it wasn't really and then sells him that now he's watching her eating cornflakes. It's a slow creep into your life. How much time before it's everywhere?

Before everyone can see everyone everywhere? Yeah, I don't know. But what's weird is younger people have a much different idea of privacy. Yeah. Because their shit has kind of been out there. I would not want to be young right now. They have a real tough time. Dude, when I was younger, when I got my ass kicked, it it was over it wasn't video documentation for the rest of my life this is

the kid from rocky point he's all grown up now and you're trying to get laid in a bar like 20 years later you're like yes that happened i was i was eight sorry i was just thinking of that i watched this kid try to throw a triangle up in a street fight and the guy slammed him on his head and punched him unconscious and kept punching him while he was out and then the kid just climbed off of him and walked towards his friends and everybody's like oh and this guy's lying on the ground pawing up his arms like probably experiencing severe brain damage and i'm thinking what if that was my son like you know what if that's your son you want some some guy slam him on his head and then as he's unconscious punched him five six seven times in the face yeah that's fucked it's fucked that's why i stopped fighting that's why you don't want to hurt anybody no no i didn't want to be that guy i i was like baby fat tough

until like fucking sixth grade and then i sort of leaned out and then i was like baby fat tough until like fucking 6th grade and then I sort of leaned out and then I was like I better get funny and then that's when people started to learn how to fight

and there was blood and shit and I remember there was this dude I think I told this story the kid got off the bus he was fucking jacked the other kid was kind of

baby Huey big guy but the other kid got off the bus first and he just jumped him and then just sat on his chest and it was

it was like oh one of those fucking fights and the kid didn't come to school for a week they came back just by the time he came back to school most of the swelling had come down but he i he almost looked like he was a cousin it wasn't him yeah and i was just like yeah i'm not i don't i don't want that to happen to me so that's one of the darkest things that I've ever heard anybody say about a fight. Khabib Nurmagomedov said about Conor McGregor, he goes, I want to change his face. Yeah, see, there's people out there that are like, yeah, there's this, that, okay, I should stop now is missing. And you don't want to be underneath.

All of that, they just kept getting worse the older I got. That sound of somebody's head hitting the floor. The worst is World Star Hip Hop videos where the worst one I ever saw was this guy was drunk and he was talking shit. And one guy knocked him out. And then when he's out cold lying down, everybody took shots at him. I mean, everybody in the street. People were kicking him in the head and were running up to him and kicking him like a soccer ball.

Punched him in the face. I mean, like 10, 15 people doing it. Just running up to him. Boom. Kicking him. Running up. Punching him. It's horrific.

How did we get on this? I don't know. I got a great special coming out. Yeah, your comedy special has nothing to do with brain damage or random acts of violence. Why'd you decide to do it in England? because I'm a Zeppelin fan and it was

it was about doing it at that I didn't I just wanted to perform at that venue Royal Albert Hall? yeah so then I performed there and had a great time

although it was in my head for a long time. Like during the show, I was like, I'm standing where Robert Plant was standing and John Bonham's drums were fucking right there. And I really had a hard time because. While you were doing stand up? Yeah. How many shows did you do? I just did.

I just did the one. It was in June of last year. Wow. You only filmed one show. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's the first time I did it. So then, you know, some of my reps came over. I was just like, wow, this place is amazing. year wow you only filmed one show no no no no no that's the first time i did it so then um you know some of my reps came over i was just like wow this place is amazing i mean it was

it was incredible and uh we just started talking just going you think maybe you could shoot a special here i was like yeah i don't know and i was like ah it's my shit gonna work over here it would be different you know each special i try to make it be a little different a different vibe you know southern crowd northern crowd west coast east coast or whatever so we just kept talking about it and then i talked to binder about it and it all just became about me and him smoking a cigar in london i was like all right fuck it let's do it and then the whole way up i was questioning going did i fuck up was this fucking stupid i should have just shot it in the States. And then I'd be like, no, no, no, it was a good idea. It's a good idea. Wait a minute. What if I don't fucking, and just, you know, which probably ended up being a good

thing for it. But, you know, I did a run of dates leading up to it before I shot over there. And I kind of knew what was going to work and I knew what wasn't going to work. And then, you know, people who are showing up they're listening to your podcast so they get like the references and stuff because I was talking

to somebody going oh I was surprised you know they got a lot of those references it's like well that's a specific crowd coming to see me if I did all of those jokes

in front of just a random London crowd I think of people you know who the fuck's this guy talking about where'd you do gigs before you did London

when you did a run of gigs? Did you do them in England or did you do them? Yeah, I did Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow. I can't remember. And then I did one other one. Began with a B. I forget. You know, it was just literally bam, bam, bam.

And I got sick when I was in uh liverpool i don't know what happened they ate something before i got there or whatever and uh i had like this stomach virus i had it the night too when i was shooting it i was like getting over it and uh so that was as i was like there's always and i was thinking is there always something or am I just that age, that there always is something, but I just don't notice, until the night, there's cameras here,

you know what I mean? When everything's heightened. Yeah, I'm like, ah, I fucking threw my back out, never fucking fail, special,

but Boba Bon, it's just like, well, I throw my back out, a couple times a year, except I'm just not shooting, that night, so I don't give a shit,

and I just joke about it, so why don't I just do that, when I go to do it, so. How many shows did you film uh we did two uh and it wasn't the same night either so it's kind of weird rather than a bam bam so you're warmed up i can't get going both times so and like most times it was the set that i liked better uh was probably i think the second night so most of it's from the second night, and then there's just a couple, just because it went a little too long. I just wanted to get in,

kick the shit out of them, and get out, leave them wanting more, the old school thing. So there was just a couple. I think we just took just a couple things just to kind of splice one section out of there and splice the things and then get it going. How many seats?

I don't remember. Is it a big place? i don't remember i don't know place i don't remember but i do know the night of the special like i i did this thing i was making fun of that whole support the troops thing and everything and what had happened was it wasn't working and it was killing the whole tour i'm like you got to be fucking kidding me finally go to record this shit and blah blah blah and it turned out that some terrorist group had made a bunch of fucking threats or something that day oh yeah and nobody told me oh you know well don't tell him i don't get in his fucking head so now i'm going like why isn't this working like suddenly

not funny not like it didn't work but it there was just this thing hanging in the fucking air had i known that i would have addressed it and then it would have been fine so we just we just spliced that little you know six seven minutes out of there um i don't know that's a great bit though i love that it is but i'm i recorded at madison square garden for just like a double vinyl i'm gonna do oh really yeah yeah i'm into all those old school rock things like i'll lose my ass i'm gonna lose my shirt on it but it has that bit on it didn't you do that before like at radio city or somewhere you did another album in the past was it radio city i did one at uh carnegie hall and then the last time i did madison square garden i i didn't explain it to them correctly that i was trying to record to do an album there

and um they just took the audio from the board so i'm just like super loud and it sounds like i'm in front of eight people i was just like all right lesson learned all right that's hilarious yeah so i like doing that like nerd out comedy shit like i love all that stuff like i just saw tarantino for the second time i I saw his Once Upon a Time in America, and I went down to his theater that he bought, that Beverly Cinema, and they had all this cool merch from the movie, like, you know, buttons and posters and T-shirts and shit. I didn't buy anything because I'm trying not to have,

because then I get sentimental and I can't fucking throw it out. It's just like... Hoarding, yeah. Yeah. Does your wife get mad at you for shit like that? What, hoarding? Does she go, why did you bring this home? No, i'm the one who says that oh i'm the one who goes like okay now what are we throwing out not throwing out because then it ends up in the

fucking ocean where are you going to bring that where someone can actually use it yeah so now like whenever i do um whenever whenever i do like comedy festivals or anything and they have that whole merch bag i just say I don't want it. Yeah, good for you. Yeah. But we got a phone charging, in fact, yeah, that's not going to work in a couple years because I'll have a new phone,

and then I just have that thing. Do people send you a lot of shit? No. Because of the podcast? You don't get t-shirts or stuff like that? Occasionally, but I kind of put it out there, like, I just need you to listen. That's enough. I don't need you to listen that's enough i don't

need you to because then what's something what happens what sucks is when people really take time to make something right and now it's like i can't leave this behind and it's always big and awkward and like how the fuck am i gonna get that in my bag so yeah and then you show up at the airport with some big stupid thing with your face on it like who the fuck is with this guy that's always weird when someone wears their own shirt when a comic or a musician or something i got i had a guy who i really like zoobie he was here the other day a rapper from england he had his own shirt and his own hat on if he wasn't such a great guy i would have given him a hard time but i just you have quite a few listeners so he's getting a free free advertisement out of it i would imagine i don't listeners so he's getting a free advertisement out of it

I would imagine he's getting an advertisement out of the whole podcast I would imagine I guess maybe everybody's got their own fucking way of doing shit so I don't know but I've been having fun I gotta tell you I was so envious of you earlier this year

cause you put out your killer special and just watching you getting to do my favorite thing you know dump the shit I'm sick of and try like the new stuff so that's where i am um in my act and i you know i follow you on all the stuff and i was well i think around may or something june you said all right it's ready to go and um i was doing an acting gig and i couldn't get the sets that i wanted i was like fuck man that's what I want I gotta get I gotta get going on this shit

because people watching I gotta fucking follow you sometimes down the store which is never fun well we're doing gigs together this Thursday we're doing the improv

and the store I'm very excited about that yeah I've been doing a lot of these gigs my lightsaber goes up about this far right now where my act is if I go to turn it on, it's like.

How old is your act now? Like the act you're working with? I have, look, I can go down. I can murder with 20 and then the rest of it. It gets a little, we get a little lost at sea. I'm sort of drifting on a piece of plywood, you know. That's a fun time though, isn't it? Yeah.

It is. People haven't paid to come see you. So what I will do is I'll stay adrift a little bit, and then I'll just do shit from my special. But now, as of, you know, tonight at midnight, I won't be able to do it. So now that's gone. Will you still be able to do the troops bit because it's not in there?

I won't do it because I now that's gone so then you still be able to do the troops bit because it's not in there um i won't do it because i did it already and it's coming out on something and i also feel like most of the places i'm gonna go to i already did it in that city right and i have this paranoia oh yeah that this exact same people show up have you ever had fans come and sit in the front row two nights in a row and you see them i've had had people back-to-back shows, an 8 and then a 10.30, and then they're sitting there. It's just like... And they're just sitting there. The rabbit's already in the hat! Rabbit's already in the hat! It's a body double!

They know everywhere where it's going. That's a Teddy Bergeron bit. He's wearing a wire! He's wearing a wire! Santa Claus isn't real! He's wearing a wire He's wearing a wire Santa Claus isn't real He's wearing a wire That's right How good was that guy?

People don't know He was one of the greatest of all time He really was I saw him when I was an open micer And I almost quit He won up on an open mic night Oh yeah And

Bill McDonald was the host Is that his name? Yeah That's funny Those early on guys Can make you want to quit Oh my god And Bill McDonald was the host? Is that his name? Yeah. That's funny. Those early on guys can make you want to quit. Oh, my God. Yeah, he was so good.

He was so polished. And I felt like such a slob. No, the thing about him too was it was effortless, and he made it look effortless. It was just effortless. John Panette was a guy I saw where I was was just like it didn't make me want to quit but i was just like i was just like what the fuck was that yeah he went up on a um a tuesday at nicks yes and it was like fucking you know there was like maybe 30 people this place held 400 people it's just like a lull it

was like when i started was the 80s hangover and just stand up was dead and there was like 30 people and there was a bunch of you know bitter comics going this place used to be packed

they'd be lying around the block you should quit all these fucking guys saying that so fucking Panette just dropped by rest his soul he just dropped by

and he went up and did 12 minutes and got a legit it wasn't oh you're John Panette thank you for stopping by you're famous it was

he fucking murdered I think that was the first time he was kind of it was that era when he was doing that

you go now buffet bit yes where it just keeps every time you think it got to the height of how funny it could be it went to another level

and then another and another the only time I ever saw a guy maybe a guy like Regan or something where they just have that they just repeat that thing uh i i was doing a tour with norton attell and jim brewer and jim brewer had a bit never cursed about his dad shitting his pants his dad shitting his pants and the thing he kept going back to other than you go now was the when like he was going to puke. Dude, I remember the first time I saw him do that, I was in Atlantic City and I was standing, there was a wall behind me and I was laughing so hard I started sliding down the wall.

I was holding my stomach going, what is that? Bro is an animal. He's one of the most underrated comedians of all time. The worst I ever ate it coming up ever following Jim Brewer in like 91. At the Boston? No, no, no. We were at a comedy loft, I think in Nanuet, New York. And I should not have been headlining.

I've been doing comedy. I've been doing comedy. I was just talking to Bobby Kelly about those gigs. Those gigs where you shouldn't have been headlining. I've been doing comedy. I've been doing comedy. I was just talking to Bobby Kelly about those gigs. Those gigs where you shouldn't have been headlining, but you were. No way. I've been doing comedy maybe three years, four years maybe. Maybe four. I just wasn't ready.

No way. But my manager was good, and he got me a gig as a headliner. It was just decent money. Oh, and Brewer was middling? Mm-hmm. We were fine. I was fine until late show Saturday night. When I tell you he went up just like a man possessed. And he used to have this bit about coming home drunk and his mother was a demon. Do you remember the bit? gonna do it's over his facial expressions and and he just caught it he just caught it where it was

like i mean he had murdered all week he'd murdered all week but i'd gotten by like i did not have as good a set as him all week but i got by it was good good enough not embarrassing saturday night late show let me on fire championship round let me on fire I walked off stage early I was supposed to do 45 minutes I think I did 35 it was death 35 of death nervous

feeling like an asshole sweating mouth drying up terrible terrible leg shaking took me forever to recover took me weeks

weeks I had one one time I just did Vegas whenever I go there I always go by the Trop, right? That's what it is? Yeah, Tropical. Yeah.

I was contracted to be the headliner, and I got bumped down to the middle act. I got demoted. Who was the middle? I don't remember, but he was great. And it was Frank Del Piso was the host. And he was like a seasoned headliner. piso was the uh was the host and he was like a seasoned headliner the other guy was a seasoned headliner and i just said i don't know what i was some young guy they were giving a fucking shot to so i went out there this is like the late 90s and

i had my shiny black button down i'm playing vegas shirt you know and uh remember my manager at the time gave me shit about the shirt going you're gonna wear that yes fucking vegas you wear whatever you want so i walked into the club and it was just where the trop was then it was like an older crowd because they hadn't redone it or whatever so it was just like they're dying off crowd so dude i went up there and i i did sort of okay i just did okay but they both had better sets to me and And then that was the Tuesday or the Wednesday. And then the Wednesday I came up, and by then I started to have another not good set. And then I got in my head, like, I'm not going to be able to make these people laugh. And I remember just seeing, like, there was just this lady back towards the kitchen.

And, like, her old lady, you know, that hair that looks like it's flammable. It was just backlit. And that's all i could see dude and i just went in and out of like like bombing and uh so then what was it thursday morning comes i'm flying my girlfriend out at the time so she could see my big headlining set in vegas my name's out on the sign right right? And I remember she called. I don't remember her name, but she called me up. She's just like, Bill, it's so-and-so from the Trop.

How are you doing? I'm like, good, good. She goes, yeah, so how do you think it's going? That's what she said. I was like, you know, I think it's going pretty good. The crowd was a little old last night. And she just goes, yeah, you know, I don't think it's happening. And, you know, I think it'd be better if you just – we're still going to pay the same money.

She was really – that was the worst part. She was really nice about it. And then I had to go down there that night. My girlfriend was coming in the next night. I had to go down there. And, you know, I just remember coming in and frank was looking at me and i he was sort of looking at me like how's he gonna handle this and i just was just i guess i suck or whatever they just real and then they were they were both they were never mean to me they were never mean

to me they were both really really cool guys and we had like a great weekend but then my girlfriend came down and was just like i had to explain to her why there was another person going on after me did it go better with you as a middle or were you sure yeah you know you know what it was uh yeah it went better and then by the end of the weekend i figured it out but i was never funnier than the headliner or frank i just wasn't i just i wasn't seasoned i didn't know how to do it and it was my first weekend in vegas and um is that true do it. And it was my first weekend in Vegas. And is that true? I think it was. It was my first weekend in Vegas because then the next few years I would middle at the improv at Harris.

So that was the thing. You know what was funny was I was really depressed about it. And my girlfriend didn't care. She goes, no, we're still here. We're going to have a good time or whatever. And then i was almost getting like upset with her that she didn't understand where instead of being like oh wow you're really cool that the reason you came out here was because you just wanted to hang with me i was too young and angry and self-involved oh yeah it's hard when your girl sees you bum too unfortunately she didn't see that she just saw me uh

middle middle that's not bad it could have been worse yeah she could have been there while the whole thing went down i guess i don't know one of the worst bombings in my life um i was working with jb smooth who's fucking phenomenal and uh i was uh supposed to be the headliner, but it was a weird college gig in the middle of nowhere in Jersey. Right. And it was hard to get to, and there was no GPS back then. So you had to follow directions, right? Remember those? They'd give you a piece of paper.

Yeah. They'd call you up. Okay, you're going to take a right here and a left there, and then you take the one-on-one. So I get there. I used to do a bit about the person doing the bad directions where they would go okay and then you're gonna see a farmhouse on the right it has a red door and there's cows out front but all right am i gonna take it right there no you're gonna keep going and they just kept bringing up shit that you were gonna see it's just like finally just like just tell me the fucking thing that

i'm gonna see when i turn is it grassy hill and there's there's a there's a scarecrow all right so i turn no you're gonna keep going It's just like, all right, sorry. No worries. No worries. So I miraculously got there on time, but JB did not. And so they go, well, we're going to wait for JB because he's not here yet. So I go, okay. They go, well, we have a lounge.

You can go sit there and watch TV. So I watch TV and it's a special, a news special on the Malibu fires. So this is probably like, whatever, 93 or something like that? Some gigantic fires. No, it was before 93. It was like 91, 92. And there was a fireman. The fireman was weeping because he had saved his house, but his neighbor lost his house,

and he had saved up all his money to help build this house. This guy, you know, it was like his life's work to build his house but his neighbor lost his house and he had saved up all his money to help build this house this guy you know it was like his life's work to build his house but he was devastated because he was a fireman and his neighbors lost their house this guy's weeping he's weeping about his house and then they had this fucking kid calling out for his dog they couldn't find the dog they lost the dog and they were hoping the dog got away to safety. So this kid's walking around, Rusty? Rusty? Just walking down the street. Rusty? Rusty?

Then lady opens up the door. JB's not here, so we're going to have you go on first. I'm like, oh no. So I went on stage thinking of that kid calling for the dog and the fireman crying. And I just ate shit. I mean, I had nothing i had there was nothing

it was did you have to do an hour no i i wound up doing i wound up doing i think i was supposed to do 45 minutes i wound up doing the 45 minutes and i mean i ate shit i did not i did not get any laughs i don't remember i mean i was depressed i remember thinking i could never do this again i did it one other time too though i could never do this again. I did it one other time, too, though. I could never do this again. It was fucking terrible. To make matters worse, JB eventually got there, halfway into my set. He goes on after me and fucking murders.

I mean murdered. Nuked a room. Flattened it. These kids were so tired of me. And I was like, look, I fucked up. I watched this. And they were so excited to see me because, you know, they have those college conference things where you go like NAFTA

or whatever it is, and you go. Is that what it's called? What are those things called? NACA? No, you just made me forget it. Being on an A. Yeah. Something college campuses.

Whatever the fuck it is. I never forgot that in my life, too. You just said NAFTA it was AFTRA? it's over now I'll never remember it someone's screaming it

there's a comic out there screaming it into their community NACA NACA that's right so um I did NACA and murdered

I mean murdered they told me look you can do it strong interest forms I remember that oh strong interest strong interest forms I remember that Oh strong interest Strong interest forms After those sets

They said look I remember having a conversation With my agent She said look I know you're You're not clean But if you're clean You can get a lot of gigs

You can get a lot of gigs Yeah that was the big And I made this People were eating shit They were eating shit At the conference Because all these comics Were like nervous

And I said you know I'm doing my club set I don't give a fuck I'm not a clean comic I can't do this And people were eating shit. They were eating shit at the conference because all these comics were nervous. And I said, you know what? I'm doing my club set. I don't give a fuck. I'm not a clean comic. I can't do this. I've never done this before. I tried. And I went up and I did all sex material and fucking murdered.

So these kids were so excited to see me. And I got there and just ate shit. Oh, no. And they were going, wait till this guy comes. Oh, wow. He's the man he's gonna be huge someday oh my god

I ate shit so hard I'm just picturing you doing all your sex material depressed bombing just going bombing

not just bombing but like you ever bang a girl doggy style trying to think when you're old but this is how you do it

not this scoliosis thing. Because I remember having to follow that bit. I remember that bit, and that bit would fucking murder. Not that night. I remember that, and then every chick in the room wanted to fuck you, and then I would go on stage with my orange afro. Hey, I have things to say.

Anybody? Hi. Yeah. Yeah, i ate shit and uh one of the time i ate shit real bad i was headlining as well um this i just this one is not nearly as bad as the other two eat shits the jim brewer one was devastating but in all fairness it was good for me because it changed my act it made me realize like you got to respect people's fucking attention span you can't go up there thinking about yourself and trying you gotta respect these people paid money work hard like you got to be ready and you can't fucking take headliner gigs when you're not ready to headline

yeah i remember i did the same place a year and a half later and fucking murdered and i was so happy i was so the guy said wow you fucking got better. I'm like, thank you. Thank you. This thing almost went out. The other time where I ate shit, I read a conspiracy theory book about JFK that I fucking love. It's called Best Evidence by David Lifton, this buddy of mine who's in a band. Behold a pale horse. That's great reading before you go up. We kind of came here to forget our problems

well i i i read this and i was like oh my god they shot jfk that's the fucking the government he said the casket was empty the fucking they did they changed the autopsy i had all this shit in my head and i was you know 25 so i was written by some guy who wasn't there well it was written by a very credible guy who was actually paid he was an accountant and he was uh they they hired he was so inside they let him look in the casket they said listen i'm just gonna show this to you there's nobody in here we did it they hired him to go over the warren commission report but they never expected anybody to read the entire report because they reported like fucking 900 volumes or some shit just an incredible amount of pages but this guy went over it with a fine-tooth comb and he's like this whole thing was horseshit like the whole warren commission report was horseshit they

concocted all these different things so i i went on stage with this this thing in my head like oh my god there's evil people running the government they killed kennedy and i'm the guy who's gonna save everybody so i ate shit on thursday night and uh and then i you know they were very they're a little uneasy with me because they knew i was like i was i already was doing well at clubs like i was a comic they were looking forward to seeing right and then the next night i apologized i said listen i fucked up yesterday i read this conspiracy theory book it'll'll never happen again. And I went up and killed the next night. But I knew I had fucked up. I knew it was a mistake.

It was just, oh. You read the Declaration of Independence the next night before you went up. I was just listening to ACDC only. You know what's funny? I listened to them on the way over here. They'll never get over because I got the new Tool album, and it's fucking unbelievable. But I always end up just, I can't get out of that fucking orbit.

I just ended up going back. Well, it's such good shit, man. It's such good. When I need a really pick-me-up, I listen to a whole lot of Rosie. Oh, yeah. That'll get you going. How fucking good is Dean Del Rey's voice? How fucking good is his voice?

When he was singing that? Oh, yeah. Fuck. You should have heard it. You should have heard it in the forum. I put it on my Instagram. Dude, his voice is fucking phenomenal. Yeah.

Wasn't it a whole lot of Rosie that he was singing? Yeah. He sang a whole bunch of shit. He sang a whole bunch of shit. His fucking voice is incredible. Isn't he going through some weird back shit right now? Does he have some bulging disc issues? Yeah, I think it's left over from- Use the torch, man.

Fuck these matches. From the- That's so easily influenced. Bike accident? You should have said, just do heroin. Fuck these cigars. Okay, Joe. The-

From his motorcycle accident? Whoa, that's a serious flame you got going there, buddy. Ooh, I like the sound, too. Yeah, something like that. It's kind of his story, so I'm not really sure. I know. I was joking with him. I go, you realize he has some bulging dick thing left from his motorcycle accident.

I said, you realize half of that is the motorcycle, and the other half is you being a front man of a fucking rock band banging your head for fucking two and a half decades. He laughed. He was like, yeah. I worked with him this weekend out in Vegas. He fucking killed. But I noticed him trying to sit up and kind of be a little straight.

But he's definitely getting through it. And we hung out an extra day. And we saw Elton John because he's on the farewell tour. it's fucking unreal was it good three hours no opener starts with a hit plays not it was like closing bits for three hours oh wow and then watching how he moves he stays pretty much at the piano but watching how he moves it's just and then they show like the old highlights where he was like in these fucking platform shoes just just slamming the piano, pushing himself up, like, you know, almost bending over backwards, coming down. He'd do like three, four times in a fucking row.

Look at him there. Yeah. Oh, there you go. Yeah. And like when he walked, like you just, I just respected the shit out of him. When I saw him walking, looking like an NFL running back, going, this fucking guy.

No, he realized people paid money oh you mean looking like a current NFL running back no no no I mean like walking like when you see those guys

not the guy who's getting elected into the Hall of Fame the guys who've been in the Hall of Fame for 10 years when they come walking up to hug the other guy

and all this shit kind of settled in yeah but like look his piano rotates and everything. Smoke, fire. Oh, yeah. Look at the background.

I'm just jamming on that thing. I actually missed that part. I was at the Steak and Shake or something. Speaking of tool and rock-related injuries, Maynard, when he's on stage, he stomps his foot on the ground. Like stomps. He's always stomped when he sings. Well, he's a jujitsu guy

and uh he was having a hard time like working on certain moves he's like my fucking hip it's like something wrong with my hip he wound up having to get a hip replacement from stomping on the ground he stomped his hip out do you know how kogan when he back when we're doing the opiate show he came in i was like i thought this guy was like 6'7". Yeah, yeah. But he was like 6'4", and his arms hung down to his knees, though. And he ended up saying that because of that finishing move he did where he would leap up in the air and just land on his ass night after night after night, week after week. He lost three inches in height.

Yeah, all of his discs. Yeah, it got so compacted. Yeah. All your discs deteriorate from from wrestling like almost every wrestler i know including me i have a bunch of discs they're all fucked up but they're they're okay enough where i can get by and i use machines like there's a machine called a reverse hyper where it sort of decompresses your spine i do all this spinal decompression shit actually and i get reginokine once a year which is like this um it's like an advanced form of platelet rich plasma

i actually got it today i've got like little band-aids you're gonna fucking outlive all of us listen i'm i'm fucking i've got the cash to pay for this shit i i fucking take everything i'm like what do you got what do you got that works your body's like a resto mod it's like you look at him and he's 50 51 but underneath it's 2019 he's got a little ipod jacket his fucking chest a resto mod people don't even know what we're talking about we take an old car like my corvette that's well it's not out there but my corvette uh that's what it is it's like a 1965 on the outside but the inside is all 2000s it's all

the suspension is all brand new modern chassis i like if the underneath i don't like the interior also to look right like me too yeah it all has to look like like uh speaking of that that's another reason why i had to go see the uh that tarantino movie twice the fact that was fucking amazing was i was so busy looking at all the cars and it has one of my favorite cars of all fucking time i'm not a speed guy i like cruising and there's a 67 cadillac eldorado in the color that i want in that's one of the meanest looking fucking cars what color is it in the movie i don't remember it's like this i don't know what the yellow or something dean asked me that he's like what's the factory color you know because he knows it you know he knows all of that but he knows it right

it's like a um it's like this no no that's that's that's uh that's a hard cop that's a hard cop um doesn't he have a soft top in that? No. No, you know what I'm thinking of? I'm thinking of strange things. Sharon Tate's friends. Just look up Cadillac Eldorado. Because they're just going to have, yeah, the car Brad Pitt was driving. This is Leonardo DiCaprio's best work.

Oh, he's amazing in it. He is fucking, you got to see it again. He's amazing in it. I'm actually going to see it for a third time to catch all this again he's amazing i'm actually gonna see it for a third time to catch all this shit and i don't want to ruin it for anybody say anybody why i'm not gonna say anything but uh so leonardo cabrillo has a different one than brad pitt does well brad pitt's character is driving leo's car oh it's the yellow one that he's in that in that picture what he's no no no but the the the el dorado which I think is a 67, is one of Sharon Tate's friends

pulls up to her house in it. Oh, okay. Okay, a different scene. Yeah, those old Cadillacs are fucking phenomenal. Good luck getting one of those into the Comedy Store parking lot, though. There'd be no room for anything else.

What I would like to do, yeah, just have everything be brand new underneath. And then just, yeah, just drive in the fucking right lane, smoke a cigar. You can get it done. I know people. I know I can, but that's a slippery slope.

Oh, I'm already down it. I know you are. Hey, you own a warehouse. That's the slippery slope. So I have my old truck. And, like, I like going fast. If I was, like, at a track. Like, Dean went out and drove a bunch of fast cars

out in Vegas and he was just like, he posted them too. He goes, was showing how fucking cool it was. And it's like the next time, that time I went out there, I took my lovely wife with me. So we were doing, you know, couple shit. I wasn't going to be like,

hey, thanks for coming to Vegas. I'm going to go drive some fast cars. They have a CVS that's all lit up, the Vegas style. You should check that out, honey. You know, like where the fuck would that get me? But, uh,

that was a good trip for us too, by the way, a good family Vegas trip. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good thing to do, uh, as a married person to just sort of like my mother-in-law watched our kid and we came out there and it's,

it's hilarious. That's nice. Like dates. And we, but we immediately go right back to like me and my wife have like ridiculous chemistry, laughing like just totally on the same wavelength and it just fucking resets. And I'm learning now,

like you gotta, just with the day to day and dealing, you know, my daughter. Do you guys do date nights? Do you do a lot of date nights? Yeah, probably not enough.

It's like everything. Do you work out? Yeah, not enough. Do you eat well? Yeah, not enough. And then your relationship becomes like the same way and i've uh i've finally gotten out of my stupid

fucking you know die on every hill fucking argue everything you know i'm getting out of that and i'm starting to understand you know how to uh how to do it the united competition with your wife that's what you got to understand yeah yeah but then there's also that she's also human so everything she says isn't right so you just have to pick yeah you gotta pick uh because i'm not gonna be that guy where happy wife happy life oh those guys are. I watch whatever TV she wants to watch. I'm envious of them. Are you? Because they have the smoothest fucking life.

Never lose their house. They're just like this. They're like a fucking, you know those big doorman buildings where I got a package for you, Mr. Rogan? Like you become that in the relationship. You should just wear like the bell cap and something like that. You know what I mean? Yes. Those life or doorman.

Yeah, yeah. They're like in a union. Neutered. Yeah. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a doorman before everybody in a fucking uniform gives me shit. Yeah, they're like, you become like that in the thing. But no, we came back and and uh last night you know uh before we went to bed my wife was like glowing she was like i had the best time

and we barely did anything we just fucking hung out laughing you know you appreciate that a lot more once you have kids because you realize like this is a rare moment this is hard to do it's hard to get away yeah i mean yeah it's hard to connect while someone's going, I want a popsicle. I want a red popsicle. Yeah, well, with my kids, they're older, so they fight with each other. That's mine. No, let me use it. You're not even using it.

It's mine. Yeah. No, you can't use it. Yeah, and everything is just, you know, they're separated by two years, too. So the little one is fierce because she always feels like she's getting the short end of the stick from the older one. Right. So she fucking, she stands her ground. She draws a line in the sand and, you know, she's ready to throw down.

It's awesome. It's crazy. She doesn't know how to apply it yet, but that's going to serve her well. Oh, she's not taking any shit. I'll tell you that. But she's a super sweetheart too. My daughter's at that age, you know, where I used to joke a joke bit my act that like i always love toddlers because they're like these little drunk people like they have no social graces you're like literally in the middle of

a conversation they come you start talking real loud you can't understand them yeah that's that's kind of where we're at but uh you know in like the best way ever um that is one of the one of the advantages of being an older dad is everybody who fucked up being a dad you know in like the best way ever um that is one of the one of the advantages of being an older dad is everybody who fucked up being a dad you know that look on their face like dude it goes by so fast man i'm telling you cherish every fucking day sit there like the ghost of christmas past yeah scaring the shit out of you in a good way i guess the cool thing when they get older is you do stuff with them and you take them places and go on vacations together and hang out with them all day long, 24 hours a day, multiple days in a row. Every summer we go to somewhere in Europe or somewhere.

We went to Thailand last year. Thailand and we did two. I'm too intimidated to go there. Thailand? Yeah. It's amazing. These people are so nice. They are.

So nice. It's hot as fuck and they got weird bugs. My little one got lit up by bugs, man. Like, she had an allergic reaction to something that bit her, and her whole hand was swollen. It was a real freak-out moment. Like, fuck, we're in Thailand, and something's medically going wrong here. Wow. But it's also weird, too.

It's like, their culture is very odd. Assuming that had a happy ending? Yeah, yeah, it did. Let's see. Yeah, we were at a resort luckily Built me up to the apex of emotion Hey Get some toothpaste the other day

No we got some medicine They applied a topical medicine to it And actually went down By the next day it was okay But it was an issue Thailand's hot It's muggy Road elephants

We did the whole thing. Hung out in the jungle. It was wild. The sounds that the jungle makes. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember seeing that. Yeah, pictures of elephants. No, on your Instagram.

Instagram, yeah. Elephants are cool, man. They're weird. It's a weird little relationship you have with these animals. They're so gentle. As long as they know that you are a kind person and you're taking care of them, because the people that run this, they run an elephant rescue thing. It's really kind of cool.

I don't know about that, Joe. That I'm a kind person? No. That an elephant is just like, you know what? I don't really feel like yanking these logs up and down this fucking hill. I don't even understand why I'm doing this shit. This guy seems pretty cool. No, no, no.

Not like that. You don't do anything with them other than feed them and you get to ride them. People are a little bummed out about riding them. I'm like, I don't really recommend riding them. My family wanted to ride them and a lot of these people ride, but the whole thing is a rescue thing. They take

these animals that are in circuses and all these different sort of mistreated animals and they take care of them and they let them live in a wild environment. They roam free. they just feed them so the elephants stay by but they go they go off on their own too and then they come back but they have these big piles of sugar cane and so they're eating the sugar cane they're eating they'll just stop while you while you're walking with them and they just rip a fucking tree out of its roots and start eating it you realize how goddamn strong they are they are fucking preposterously strong i wish i i wish that we viewed them more as like roommates yeah than like

ours so we we divvied the planet up a little smarter yeah um i gotta shut my phone up i gotta show you i found this picture on uh instagram of this tiger and the fucking thing is what looks like it's legs it looks like it's doing dips and just the fucking muscles it doesn't even look real

like like that thing exists on this planet and was just like was just walking around free that you could just bump into

I understand you know like when people first came out here and they eradicated that's along the lines of it I mean look at that fuck And, you know, like when people first came out here and they eradicated. That's along the lines of it. I mean, look at that. Fuck.

How many pull-ups, Joe, do you need to do to fucking look like that? Fuck. Oh, my God. Look at the fucking muscles. You must have seen that one. Did you ever see that one where they were fucking with that tiger and that dude was on the elephant? Yeah. And this thing took off like Jordan in the dunking contest. And every time it reached its apex, it kept going up like fucking Zion there on Duke.

And it barely grazed the guy's arm when it clawed him. It tore it apart. Yeah, the guy, like he had nerve damage, and his fucking arm didn't work. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I mean, there's a great video recent video like two weeks ago of these guys on a motorcycle in india and they're riding the most of the tigers chasing them and the tiger almost gets them it's full clip chasing them i actually looked how fast they can run and i'm surprised because the guy was on like a scooter or something they can go like 40 miles

an hour i think what fucked him up was the surface that he started running on right if he was more right. If he was more in his element, they get like a dog in a kitchen, gets a little fucking woke. I think the tiger did that for his- They slide. Yeah, for a little bit. Yeah, on the concrete, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Or maybe just the sound of the engine was just like, that doesn't sound tasty. Well, it's one of the rare places on earth where tigers hunt people. There's a history of them hunting people. They hunt or they come upon oh no no no they hunt them there's an area called the sunder bands and the sunder bands tigers over the last 200 years have killed more than 300 000 people there they actively you know people believe it or not it's a quick death oh yeah i already know what i would ever do if i ever came in contact with the tiger just do this that's exactly what I would do.

Give him the neck? And make some defensive moves or offensive moves just to get him to go right towards it. It's just like you UFC guys. You're all like, I would rather get fucking choked out than knocked out. It's the same thing. You just go to sleep. Yeah, you just sleep. I mean, it probably hurts for a second, and then it's over.

It hurts for a second, then as you start to go, I think the last thing that's as bad is the smell of the tiger. Oh, the breath. The breath of death. The gamey. Rotten meat breath. Oh, just the fact, you know, they don't really bathe. Oh, they swim, don't they?

Yeah, they swim occasionally. Yeah, they can swim fast. This is how fast they can swim. You smell amazing. Conks. That's it. This is how fast I can swim. You smell amazing.

Did you see those two poor women who they were going to take a fucking hike through the rainforest and decided to go themselves? No. Gone. What happened? They found their clothes. Where was this? Which rainforest? I don't know.

I was right up your fucking alley. Reason? I was surprised it wasn't on your Instagram. There's some Rogan shit right there. It's a bummer, man. People get confused and they don't understand. You're a moving thing and you don't move quick. And they're all about eating moving things.

If you're moving, they're trying to eat you. If you're by yourself, they're going to eat you. Well, it's amazing that wherever we started on this planet, that our brain was able to cover for the fact of how fucking slow we are. We're slower than squirrels. Everything. Everything is lightning fast out there. Except sloths. Slothsoths I know

but they're like but that's their job to get eaten yeah seems like it yeah they're like jalapeno poppers for fucking

you know that bullshit that you just order you want to go yeah fuck it let's get that let's have a sloth yeah before you go after

the real thing you're trying to eat one of my favorite videos is watching harpy eagles kill sloths they swoop in and snatch them they're like the largest eagles in South America I did a zipline tour in

Costa Rica and the guy knew how to make the noise of this fucking ridiculous wingspan bird that doesn't really exist in that area anymore but they're just in their DNA for them to freak out because it's a three-toed sloth and he imitated it and the fucking thing just just kind of looked around a little bit and then it's like dude you just gave that thing a mini fucking heart attack we did a zip line that was one mile you get on it you you zip across for one

mile and as i'm sliding on this thing with my family by the way i'm thinking when was the last time they checked this who's checking this oh those are great thoughts the fucking ladder was rusted and then ratchet bolted so they had like straps where they ratcheted where the ladder had rusted and then they just grabbed a hold of strap and like clamped down on it and tied it to the fucking tree and we're climbing up this and it's like watch out there that part's rusted through like what that's rusted through and then you get to the top and they latch you up to this thing and i'm telling you you're above the rainforest and it's just yeah and you go for like fucking 10 minutes people don't understand how high those we were just in the bullshit we were just in the

very tippity top of we were in costa rica so we weren't like in the the shit and i just remember like the thing where we were doing you know the little uh i guess platform that you went up to was so fucking high off the ground and it was a third up the tree yeah like when we were looking up at the three-toed slot that was over there it was like another four or five hundred feet it seemed up it was ridiculous fucking ridiculous yeah nature man nature man there's a fucking great story recently of a guy he's a musician and he was recording sounds of nature and he fell asleep and a bear ate him so it's a recording of him getting eaten while he's recording sounds of nature. Bears seem like it's a long death. Oh, yeah.

They just eat you. They just hold you down like a salmon and start chewing chunks off of you. Oh, yeah, they do. Yeah, because they're omnivores. Omnivores are the worst thing to get killed by. You're better off getting killed by a predator because predators generally just want to kill you and kill you as quick as they can.

But bears, first of all there are no predators other than other bears and humans with rifles and if they're in a place where there's no humans with rifles they're the top of the food chain so they just put a paw down on you so they hold you in place and just start chewing chunks of you just eating chunks of you off the video the grizzly my special tonight at midnight on netflix do you know my brother called me up one time i i called him after he had watched some video and it was one of those komodo dragons and it somehow grabbed like a deer looking thing whatever the fuck is in its world that's like that and it i'm, people. But it snapped its fucking leg

and he said the thing was laying there and it couldn't move and it just started eating the thing's guts and the deer's sound of, ah, ah, don't! Shut that fucking thing off. I don't watch any of that. I don't watch execution videos.

I don't watch that on my hard drive. I'm going to bomb tonight watching that. How do you find it that quick jesus christ this guy's good he's got him saved yeah there's a great one of a komodo dragon eating a monkey and uh it's got like look it might be a baboon it's a baboon's a no joke i never knew when they fucking yawn you're like oh shit that's like a tiger monkey it's like a dog monkey that's what it's like they got those fangs yeah wolf crazy yeah like a wolf monkey yeah they eat kids somebody's gonna have a new band named that wolf monkey monkey that's a

good name for a band there's a great video of this kimono dragon he's got this monkey's feet and tail hanging out of his mouth he's going just slowly choking this thing down, eating this entire monkey whole. And the tail and the little feet are poking out. It's like... See if you can find that. Show it to Bill. No, I honestly

don't want to watch that. Just put it on that one so I can see. Can you put it on one TV? Can you do that while I talk about my new special coming out? Paper Tiger. Speaking of animals, why Paper Tiger? Because I just think we're in a hilarious time. Because you already took strange time. I have to stop saying, like the amount of times I had to stop saying it's a weird time.

It's just the name of Joe's special. Because it just is. Like what we're focusing on. Like, oh my God, can you fucking believe this while this real like half the shit that's going on if if it's true is like you could make a will smith or a tom cruise movie on those end of the world movies where they except you know it's not gonna have a happy ending and it just like, it just kind of strikes me, I don't know. And it was also, I wanted people to watch it and have fun. Like, I'm not trying to fucking hurt anybody.

It's not malicious. But I'm doing my job. I'm talking about what's in the news, and I'm fucking around. And it's part that, and then the other part is just me talking about my flaws, my temper, and trying to work that shit out. That's all this fucking thing is. And for some reason, not just saying stand-up, just a lot of shit that is not, as far as like if you had priorities,

like if your house just burnt down, you're not being like, God, we have to get a new toaster. It's like, no, we need shelter. That's the number one thing. But there's all this shit that's like a line of importance, like line 42 is getting gassed up to number seven or number eight or something like that. And I already know people are going to be like, typical white male

because you can't, like all of that shit. There's just something funny about how overtly uh i don't know i guess um reversed like it's like you're doing the same fucking thing and you don't even realize you're doing it as you're saying like a lot some groups of people not all of them like i've been joking how like a lot of feminists are smart, but it's not the ones that are on TV. It's like sports fans. A lot of sports fans are really smart, but not the ones that call in sports talk radio. That's perfect.

You know what I mean? Yes. It's like when we would do the Opie and Anthony show. Okay? Like Howard Stern. Like when he would do, back in the day, when he would do live remotes. I love Howard Stern. I when he would do, back in the day, when he would do live remotes. I love Howard Stern. I love Opie and Anthony.

But, like, if I was a fan of this show, I don't have time and I'm not going to some fucking mall in the middle of the day blowing off work or whatever. Because I'm trying to get my own shit going. The people that show up, you love them because they're diehards. But they're out of their fucking minds. So, it just has to do with that. I'm kind of, it doesn't necessarily have to do with me, but it does. It's one of those things. And it's also another way of saying that I'm full of shit.

Yeah, you're a paper tiger. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. There will be an Anthony Days. Remember when they used to have Stadium seating Like small stadium seating In the studio And guys would come They would let fans

Come in the studio Yeah And sit and watch the show Those are the good old days Yep I Every time I go to New York I

There's like It's like a void Somebody said it perfectly Like you know Phantom limb You know Yeah That's what it feels like

And you get excited Oh I'm in New York And I'm gonna Ah Doesn't exist That was the last show that i used to get up early for oh and when they were together before anthony got kicked out and yeah and opie and jimmy and anthony were all together it was amazing that was like seeing a band with all the original members on the first fucking couple of albums tour before david lee goes solo and then you know well they were the first guys to get ported over to xm too right

they were the first or i think they were were they before howard or around the same time but they were they were the first i think my name is they were on that was the one who was xm and then serious before like howard was on serious they were on xm and then they merged yeah but they were the first show the first radio show that let you just fuck around like howard is amazing right greatest radio personality of all time by far but howard controlled the show he had you on he had the board in front of him he controlled the board he asked you questions he had an agenda and you know he was trying to make the show as entertaining as possible and they got ready yeah oh and a you just fucking come on in guys come on in patrice come on bill ari shafir have a seat and everybody you'd be in the room ricky gervais 10 fucking people in

the room norton norton would be doing fucking creepy characters. I mean, it was the birth for me. Jive Talk Jimmy was my favorite one. Oh, it was... Jive Talk Jimmy. You remember that? He didn't do it enough. That's like a deep cut Jim Norton. Jive Talk Jimmy was one of my favorite ones.

It was so silly, which is my favorite thing ever. Highly intelligent people being silly is one of my favorite thing ever highly intelligent people being silly yeah it's one of my favorite things ever and i jim was the and patrice was sort of the king of that oh yeah super super super next level smart and just silly really silly i think when howard went from terrestrial radio to to serious it was like he died because i didn't have until I got serious in my car. So that's like my favorite thing about my car because I listen to them every fucking morning if I, you know,

and I got to get them up and it's like the old days like when I first came to New York and I get to listen to it. They were the birth of podcast whether they realize it or not. They were the birth of podcast because ONA was like a podcast

like this podcast like we didn't even talk about what we were going to talk about there's no fucking discussion whatsoever i mean obviously you and i don't have to do that but we wouldn't anyway we just come in here and shoot the shit that's all they ever did come on in shoot the shit what the fuck's going on you know anthony would have a gun on him look fucking that's a fucking gun everywhere to this day a guy doesn't go to piss in the middle of the night without a gun my favorite uh deep cut anthony character was the guy with giantism did you ever hear him do that guy no uh no he did i can't do it you know the giantism and they get that voice you know know, by the time I was eight, I was nine feet tall. I can't do it.

He would do this fucking thing. I know he's going there dragging ass and then like something like that would happen and then it just felt like two in the afternoon somehow and you look at your watch, it was like fucking 7.02 in the morning. Do you remember when Anthony did live from the compound? He built a studio in his basement that's when i was like

going this is not gonna last this guy's literally building it's just like it's like we're in business selling ice cream and i'm building my own ice cream parlor at home no no joe i'm i'm in this business with you i knew like like this they were gonna fall apart you know what's funny is what did that show and is also what made it great yeah like you know they used to play the oh shit they used to play the sorry about that they used to play the uh the clint eastwood uh yeah thing i always thought the theme to that show should have been the wheels on the bus go around and around because it was just like and the thing was you were on the bus but you were outside it you were hanging it was you almost like uh i always felt like when i went in there, that Raiders of the Lost Ark,

you know, when Harrison Ford's on the hood and you're grabbing onto the hood ornament trying not to go underneath it. And some days you hung on and then other days. Yeah. Except it didn't have the happy ending. You didn't have the whip to hang onto it. You just fucking. Do you remember the day we were there and Pat from munaki threw up in um are you kidding that was your idea yeah and then that dude

than nathaniel came he was the one that coined it the baby i got credit for some reason i think dan's voice sounded like me he came oh he came out i've been saying it's you no your idea was your idea you were like the only thing that could top this. For those who didn't see it, it's such a brilliant idea. It was the eggnog drinking contest, and you had to do a double shot, like it was bourbon, but it was eggnog, like every 30 seconds. And the returning champion was Pat from Munaki, who had diabetes and lost a toe to it already.

It was just sitting there. And then he continued to drink it to do the bit that you came up with. I mean, there has to be like a, you know when like a broadcaster can get into the Sports Hall of Fame just because, you know, he never played the game but he, like, you know, because of what he added to it. I always thought that Pat Munaki should have been, like, they should have been like a Chick Hearn,

Johnny Moe sort of award that he fucking, with his health, continued to drink. I remember when people posted that video, everyone was saying, fake, this isn't real. And that made me enjoy it real. I was like, no, that was real. And I was there.

There was plastic bags all over the ground. Remember, they put plastic everywhere, all over the ground, because they knew that people were going to throw up. They had the garbage can ready. And then Pat Duffy leans his head over the edge of the garbage can. And then Pat from Unaki just, here comes, you see him, and then it keeps coming. It keeps coming.

It's like way crazier than Stand By Me. It was like a hydrant. You just went, squeak, and it just fucking came out, and then somebody kept shutting it off. And every time, I mean, it was like a, it looked- There it is. There it is. Dude, I can't watch this.

You can't watch this? You know what? I still can't tell the story. If I tell it in detail, I start gagging. gagging i'll see fear factor killed all that in me i never i'll tell the one that makes me gag i start to gag is when there was the dude i can't fucking watch it it was true it was tremendous do you i'll say i'll say it real quick just to plow through it. He's like, you're tearing up. There was a dude who got knocked out.

So then what he did was he started, he puked into a pitcher. He puked into a pitcher and then he was drinking his own puke, trying to make the other people puke. So then somebody dared this guy to take a swig from it and he had like this hipster viking level beard and he i can't do it you're gonna throw i can't do it this is like fucking 10 years later he took this viking level swig he just threw it back so he gave himself like kind of like a facial with it and then he puked into the pitcher, I think.

And I remember it was in his beard. There's a point in that podcast, in that show where I almost puke. Yeah. That's the crazy thing

about seeing so many people puke. Oh, Bill's gonna go. Bill's gonna go. And I was like hanging on to the fucking table. Yeah, we didn't realize

that at the time. Those are some of the greatest moments of our life you know you gotta forgive forgive yourself that because you were in the moment oh yeah i was feeling like melancholy when i was in vegas and i and i had you know i had this uh i was sitting in my room smoking a cigar with uh bobby kelly rick d'alia you know uh from boston scene right uh and we were sitting and i was looking down at the strip before they came over and i was thinking about the first time i came out there was right

right before they imploded the sands or the dunes or something they were starting to implode those old ones and uh just walking up and down the strip and the real was the new hot one uh uh casino and just all the great fucking times that i in crazy fucking stories and all that and then just walking around vegas being old now and seeing all these young people like and you want to stop them and just be like dude if you there's any way to take this in do it because you know at my age if i was to continue doing that you're just a creep. And I really respect younger people where it's just like, this is their time. Let them have it.

That's their club. Yeah. Don't be standing in there with your white whiskers and shit. Listen, trying to listen to their DJ music. Just get the fuck out of there. Let them enjoy their generation's drugs and let them have their fucking stories. And just yeah there's no way you could impart that on anyone though tell them to soak it up and enjoy it i had moments where i remember thinking when i was young like wow this is a wild moment well i remember you that night after the uh the baby bird you were at caroline's

you were caroline's and i went down there and you had that fucking grin on your face. You're like, that was great radio. That was great radio. I was just like, I remember, I told the whole fucking story. I came home. Nia had just started living with me

and her friend was there and I was telling the story of what I saw that day and I was laying on the of what I saw that day. And I was laying on the ground, crying, laughing, telling. And then this guy did this. Do you remember the guy who was fucking, he would do his shot, and when anybody would puke, he would stand over in the corner and not face them.

He was facing the corner, so we started calling him Blair Witch. Everybody got there. So I'm crying, laughing, and then gagging as I'm telling the story. And then they weren't laughing, which made it even funnier to me. And then I just remember a friend at one point just was like, she was like, where did they find these people? And then that just set me over the top. I was like, I don't know, just crying, laughing.

But God bless them. Yeah, where did they find these people well that was the thing of like shock radio shock radio gets such a derogatory it's got a such a derogatory connotation you know shock jocks shock radio oh great shock radio when you're a young guy and you're a part of that and you're there in the moment it's one of the greatest moments of your life yeah it's so because it's so wild is you're not shocked the moment, it's one of the greatest moments of your life. Yeah. It's so, because it's so wild. My thing is, you're not shocked if there's thought behind it. Shock is just like,

oh, what happened? Fuck those people. That's just basic level shit. Like I remember when I was coming up, you know, and you had just torn through the Boston scene and then you got on some show.

It wasn't News Radio. It was something else. Hardball. Yeah. And you were coming to the Kyle Loon. It was the first time I was going to see you do a set. And all these guys, oh, he's so dirty, so dirty, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I watched your set.

And it's like, this guy isn't dirty. There's like thought behind this. Like anybody can do like a handjob joke. But your joke was like, you said, you ever have a woman give you a handjob? It but your joke was like, you said, you ever, a woman give you a hand job. It's like brushing your teeth with your left hand. And I'm like,

that's a fucking killer joke. It just happens to be about a hand job. And some people can't separate that. Yeah. Well, that was that bad. That was back in the day where there was still a bunch of guys that were left over from the days where Steven Wright made it by being on the tonight show.

And there was this weird feeling to the air, you know, and they talk about it and stand when stand up stood out fran solomita's documentary which is an amazing documentary yeah i love that but those guys before that were just wild they were just comics they were doing blow they were getting in fights they were chaotic and then stephen wright got on the tonight show and became a fucking superstar i mean a gigantic national superstar and everybody else was like hey what the fuck what about me and i came along after that and there was this remnant of that there where i remember uh you remember chris zito yeah chris zito was giving me advice when i was an open micer he was like you can't swear If you swear

You're never gonna get on TV He was telling me all this shit And it was like In his eyes He was doing me a service Right Because that was In his eyes

It came from a good place It came from a good place Right In his eyes But I was like Fuck He's gonna make me quit I was like

This is what I wanna do I'm like I grew up Watching Dice Clay And Sam Kinness And he goes Well you're not Dice Clay I'm like

Okay He's like Well neither were they Until they were Yeah But it was bad advice From a guy who had made it Right Dice Clay and Sam Kinness and he goes well you're not Dice Clay I'm like okay it's like well neither were they until they were it was bad advice from a guy who hadn't made it he hadn't made it but at least he was a professional and I was as far from making it as humanly possible I was an open mic-er and I remember I went off stage one night

and he goes Joe fucking Rogan ladies and gentlemen it's Joe fucking Rogan did he say fuck enough like in his eyes he was like look i'm just telling you this because i i care like you you're you're fucking up your career all right so i had it in my head i was like well i'm not gonna do this then in my head i was like i'm not i don't want to be that guy did you ever notice i'm not that guy i'm that wasn't me i wanted i liked talking about shit that made my friends laugh when we were all sitting around drinking right that's what was

that's why i was in it i was in it to talk about wild shit right it didn't mean that you couldn't be clever and talk about wild shit but i had never fit in anywhere in my life so the idea of me fitting in like on television that's almost like too weird for me but like in defense of that there was like 9 000 stand-up shows on tv that you could get on and you could become it wasn't just the tonight show because the tonight show was was the the biggest thing yeah but then there was the comedy on the road it was evening at the improv half hour comedy half hour comedy it was all of this shit and um so that's what they were guiding towards and then i had the tail end of that and then well you started in 90 92 92 so when i came it was the tail end of that work clean

and then it was uh you know talk about your family so they can build a show around you so you can do a sitcom and And I remember thinking like, I don't want to do a sitcom. If you can't say that. Everybody had this idea in their head that there was only one way to do it. The beautiful thing about all that shit imploding is that there's none of that now.

Now comedy is comedy. And when you see kids coming up now, you know, you go to see the guys at the store that are like doormen and open micers. And I say guys, girls too. Allie Makovsky, I take her on the road with me all the time and she's 23. You know you go to the see the guys at the store that are like doorman and open micers and I say guys girls to Allie Makovsky I take her on the road with me all the time and she's 23, you know, she's just getting it together now. She's in that stage now. She's like five years in

They just want to do comedy man. These kids just want to do comedy well, there's people now who because comedy is doing so well stand up there's people who like Weren't comedians made it as something else and now are thinking about doing stand-up right yeah you guys how lucky we are that we're doing it now that's what i would think as i said that to my wife when i was in vegas i was like you believe i get to do this yeah i love it and i'm gonna hang and fucking as long as i've been doing it i still love it i love it as much now as ever, maybe more now than ever. I mean, I don't have to do it.

I'll do five, six shows a fucking week in town, and I love it. No, that's why you're great. I always felt the guys that never stopped going to the club. Look, if you continue to tour and you become like a draw, you don't have to go to the clubs in L.A. But you pay a – I feel you pay a price for that because those kids coming up, you're getting something from them too. As much as they're watching you going, oh, wow, you're that guy that I saw and now I'm doing a show with you. And it's just like, kid, you're keeping me young because like just being around them you stay

current yes and it's like like why dom irera kills just as hard in 2019 as he did in 2009 99 89 is because that fucking guy never stopped going to the gym yes and stays in there so i get something out of going to see i get you know something out of watching dom out of watching you and then out watching some new kid coming up and just being in all of that yeah keeps you like current because if you don't you start getting like a must there's a like a fucking you know that old person dying smell starts to stop waffling on your act yeah if you're only doing it to your crowd too i think there's a problem there too the one of the beautiful things about the store is there's 15 guys on the show that night they're there to see everybody they look at the lineup they go oh shit bill burr oh shit

chrystalia oh nikki glazer's on they they see all these great comics i did too chris d'alia is like uh like from the get-go like i could see like you know it reminded me like of a boston guy where just like it's like this guy's a legit headliner just trying to kill just trying to kill that's all he's doing no and then his concept of killing i thought was boston level oh yeah for sure well it's these, you know, and particularly because he's always at the store. That right there? That right there is me.

The last match? No, but that right there is how I live my life. A match? The hardest fucking way to do something. Why do you do that? I do a lot of things that way, but not when it's ineffective. I mean, that's one of the reasons why I bow hunt.

Well, that's where we're deep. Yeah, see, I like that. Like, I feel if I was going to go out and go kill something cute and fuzzy, if I fucking had a, you know, total hypocrite because I am a meat eater anyways, if I used a bow and arrow, it would feel like an accomplishment. I watched Ted Nugent kill a bear, which I could never do. You know, when there's all these fucking places to just get a chicken sandwich. Do I really need to make a fucking, you know, a bear double cheeseburger?

Do you want to try some? I have bear sausage in the freezer back there. Would you try it if I gave it to you? No. Really? No, because I went to the zoo one time and I saw this bear. Really? No, because I went to the zoo one time and I saw this bear.

And it was funny because it was sitting half in the water and half out and had its arms, its arms, its front legs fucking like, it looked like it was sitting in a jacuzzi. Like a lounge. And we pulled up on the bus to look at it. And it was just, the way it looked, I kind of locked, I met eyes with the thing and I knew what it was thinking. Pull up the video of the bear killing the deer in the backyard while it's eating it alive and the deer's screaming. Why?

Because you need to know what a bear really is. When you see bears in real life, you go, oh, that's what that thing is. It's a fucking killing machine. You think the bear would just punch it in the head to stop hearing it? Look at this. See that? Look at that thing. No, it's getting it by the neck.

No, it's taking chunks out of it, bro. The reason why that thing's screaming is because it's biting its back. Okay, that's enough. That's a bit. That sounds like me trying to touch my toes every morning. You know what's hilarious? You know what my daughter does when she likes to stretch with me she thinks it's funny

and she makes those noises because she thinks she's supposed to so she goes when she goes she goes I want to stretch da da

and then she goes oh oh like I have like a foam roller and she'll come walking around and she'll look at me she'll smile and it's funny

she sits on it because she doesn't know how to use it and she sits down and she just goes oh oh that's hilarious and my wife laughs at me, she'll smile. And it's funny, she sits on it because she doesn't know how to use it. And she sits down and she just goes, oh. That's hilarious.

And my wife laughs at me. She's imitating how old you are. My kids are allowed to hit me as hard as they can. I teach them. They've taken martial arts classes, but I teach them. And one of the things I do is I have them leg kick me. I need some advice in that area because I want my daughter to know how to defend herself. Jiu-jitsu. Yeah.

I'll get you a good school near you. But I let my kids leg kick me full blast. Just full blast. And I show them how to do it where the shin slams into the center. No. I let them fucking slam into me. Well, I have men do it. I mean, I've been kicked by a lot of people.

But there's an attrition to that. No. You're fine. That's right right you're 2019 on the inside he's got restomod legs i let them i let them slam their shit it fucking hurts man but i'm letting them know like if anybody ever fucks you if somebody fucks you over some kid wants to get into a fight some girl is picking on you slam one of these bitches right into her fucking thigh like it hurts me debate over yeah teach them how to like defend themselves it's it's also important that they understand what it feels like to be in conflict with someone like when i enrolled them in martial arts classes when they were young like my one daughter was four the other one was six when they first started doing it and it's cool to watch them grapple and do these things i'm like this is

what's good is like you know what it's like to struggle with someone this is not an alien thing for you to struggle with a person when i watch my youngest daughter grapple with this boy and trip him and slam him onto the ground and get on his knee and then the instructor's like good job try again they're doing it again like you know what it's like so they have muscle memory yeah well otherwise it's a it will freeze up yeah your mind doesn't know what happens when someone's trying to do something to you. Whereas if you've done it, it's not alien. I mean, it's not like you should do it. You definitely shouldn't do it to someone if they don't want to do it to you.

But if someone senses that you're scared of conflict, it's one of the surest signs you're going to get fucked with. And that was me a lot of my life. Don't need to explain that to me. I know. Well, it was me a lot of my life. Don't need to explain that to me. I know. Well, it was me a lot of my life, man. I've had both. You know, I went from being a kid who was terrified of conflict

to being a martial arts champion. The reason why I became a martial arts champion is I was being picked on all the time. Right. Kids were always fucking with me. I was like, I don't like this. I'm like, so I'm going to become what I'm terrified of.

Oh. I should have done that i was just like well school ends at three realistically only do this for another two hours and 45 minutes i went the other way remember that remember that and they used to have to teach you like and they would have the two people you know you, Eddie right way, you know, Mikey bad way. We should do that. Do a little, we'll make a kid's book.

Have me, young me with a fucking orange Afro. There's only two hours and 45 minutes, not knowing that. No, in two hours and 45 minutes, all the authority is going to be gone. Right. That's the scary thing now about,

with mixed martial arts going mainstream okay and there's no ref to get in there like that video I told you about yes that's what is scary

and then everybody like like I think with young kids it's like oh I want to be the guy going oh you know

that's who they want to be no one wants to be the ref to jump in and say stop they want to be no one wants to be the ref to jump in and say stop they want to yell out world star world star they want to do that they all want to have it and then post it yeah and get it to have some hits like that's like you know i mean i'm not shitting on it because that's what i would be doing if i was young i got a video pulled off of facebook and instagram and i got a video pulled off of Facebook and Instagram, and I got a community strike,

community guideline strike, because it was violence against minors. But it was a kid who was picking on another kid. He wouldn't stop fucking with this kid. And then finally the kid just pushed him away and then put up a stance like he's ready to fight, and the kid came after him. He kicked him, grabbed him, slammed him on the ground, and got him in an arm bar and you know oh i saw that yeah that was great it was a fucking amazing video and the kid didn't even get hurt but it was a lesson i mean this is

why it's good to learn martial arts because this kid was a cunt and he was fucking with this kid and the kid knew how to fight right so i put it up there like look this is this is the benefits of learning a martial yeah and then those people who their heart's in the right places, don't post that because that's going to make kids fight other kids. No, that's – you're not going to, like, through words and hashtags, stop having kids – Be kids. Be kids.

And it's going to happen and – Yeah. Yeah, it's – It's going to happen. I mean, the idea that you're going to protect kids from reality by that, it's just so silly. You're not going to stop people from doing things to people. You've got to understand what is happening when people do those things

and how you can learn how to fight so you can mitigate most of it. And then the best part is other kids see you do that, and then you become the kid, oh, don't fuck with't fuck with that kid exactly yeah kid will dislocate your elbow yeah that's who you want to be yeah you want to be the nice kid who can fight so everybody leaves you alone you know i went through the entire right that should be written somewhere yeah be the nice kid that knows how to fight there's a lot of those kids now there's so many more it's getting in a fight in school today with someone you don't know is a risky proposition there's so many kids that know jujitsu so many kids that take muay thai everything is on another level you should see these fucking kids coming up

playing drums oh yeah just the shit that they can do is it's fucking in bananas really nobody could do this kid's doing shit that's beyond as far as um independence okay what they're doing is beyond what i saw a lot of guys when i would like when i first started buying vhs tapes drum instructional videos now they don't have the seasoned they don't necessarily have the feel and all of that and know how to apply it necessarily in a musical sense with the because that just comes with experience but what they have in their fucking arsenal for chops is fucking insane because of youtube you think yeah because you're jamming with the world now right so it becomes oh oh i'm gonna try that and i'm gonna incorporate you know

now the people who do it the most basic level me is i just see what somebody does and i try to learn how to do it and i've only now since doing comedy going like oh i'm like a joke thief except i just took that guy's groove that he just came up with it's you're supposed to be inspired by it to turn it into something else or or work on something else that you're doing that's like another level that you you know, eventually you get to, I think, as a musician you do. As far as me watching them, not as a musician. But like just seeing what these kids can physically fucking do. It's the guitar players, the bass players. I saw one that went viral.

There was this little girl from like Japan played Good Times, Bad Times. Like it was nothing. And Robert Plant is watching it like going, it's shit. And he's used something. It's like she's fallen off a log, which meant like it was nothing. It was nothing to her. I've been trying to play those fucking triplets my whole life and I still don't have it down. I'm just like, fuck. What is it about?

Is it just kids learn quicker because they don't have as much shit in their head? Well, back in the day when you heard something, first of all, you had cassette tapes. What is it about, is it just kids learn quicker because they don't have as much shit in their head? Well, back in the day, when you heard something, first of all, you had cassette tapes. You had to keep fucking rewinding it. And you're at the mercy of your own bedroom. Like, there's nobody in there. Okay? And now, and then when you have to add the record, you could maybe slow it down.

Okay? But even then, you had, you know, you're slowing it down. There's still the bass. You're trying to get everything in it. It's hard to fucking hear. Nowadays, somebody who's a fucking expert or whatever, a so-called expert because, you know, the guys who actually play go, you know, there's a lot of people teaching. I don't know what the fuck they're doing,

like with the martial arts shit that you show. They'll break the whole fucking thing. Yeah. Is this her? Yeah. In her little cute fucking thing. Yeah. Is this her? Yeah. In her little cute fucking little girl socks. Look at those fucking triplets

she's doing. It's like it's nothing. Look at her little socks. Look at her face. Oh my God. It's adorable. No, she's killing it. That's the thing too

is she actually she's not just doing what John did. She's playing it. Is she playing two Led Zeppelins? Is that why you can't play? Oh, is that why? Okay.

Yeah, you can't play the actual. She's smiling like, wee, having a good time. That's the look I had on her face when somebody gave me an ice cream. How old do you think she is? Eight. Seven, eight? Wow. Look at that.

She's a killer. I think it's awesome that you're into music. It's another thing. And I was thinking that too when you were taking me up on the helicopter ride. You do these other things and you get really into them. I'll tell you what's crazy. Right now I'm going for my instrument rating. That's to basically fly in like if you were to come into a city

and the whole city is covered with clouds and you can't fucking see anything. How to use your instruments. Yeah, this is what separates the men from the boys right so it's something that was really intimidating so finally decided to do it so the guy i'm taking the lessons from uh i i don't know if i should say i just don't want to blow up people i never know what how much private they want to be so i fucking go in there because somebody goes all right i know i know the guy i know the guy i know the fucking guy my instructor goes i got the best fucking guy in la so i go to his house because i'm going to fly on a simulator which is going to save me a ton of fucking money um initially and then

eventually so you know what the fuck you're supposed to be doing when you start spending a bunch of money what does the simulator look like he simulates literally a computer screen he just has like a like an airplane yoke and a throttle thing that's all it is but it's getting you to look at like you have a six pack of gauges and then you have these other two on these these uh your obs or whatever it's a bunch of shit i don't want to fucking try to explain here but you're looking at that that becomes your eyes that becomes looking out the window is looking at your fucking gauges and it's unbelievably claustrophobic and fucking terrifying if if you got into that type of weather and you don't know what the fuck you're doing that's how you die okay now uh so anyways

i go over this guy's fucking house he's hey how you doing oh you know i'm so and so what's going on i walk into his house he's got a whole music studio and then we're like a fucking grammy he has his whole other fucking life where he he like won a grammy last year for writing a song in some major fucking uh uh superhero movie and he's like a like a prodigy piano player and then we go in the and he knows and he's also he got into flying and just took it to the level that he became an instructor and i just sit across from the guy in awe going all of that is fucking in that in that it's fucking unbelievable like what if you put your mind to shit what you can accomplish is crazy uh or you see you know it's really meeting somebody who's doing that inspires you like all right i think i can do this so like

before i came over i was like outlining like fucking chapter four and the fucking thing but there's all like gauges and shit and i'm little question marks and stuff it's like all right i'm gonna figure out how to do this and it's becoming less intimidating but i haven't gone up yet but just as far as like getting back to like these kids because the fact that she's eight and can do that is she hasn't got credit card debt. She's not in some fucking relationship dating some loser kid

who's playing videos all day, games all day and she has to come up with her half the rent. How do I? She has this whole fucking wonderment. And shit is like, like kids,

like they're positive that like stuff is possible. It's fucked. do you wish you could do that just have nothing but one thing to concentrate on just completely free of all the nonsense of life i'm not wired that way it's weird my i think that's why i like i'm not into speed when driving i like to do it every once in a while but like i like cruising along because it relaxes me yeah it kind of shuts down the fucking thunder and lightning of like oh let's do this let's do this for 10 minutes and i'll do this for fucking six minutes and blah blah blah and all that shit

so yeah i drive in like the right lane well you and i you and i are very similar in that way that we have a bunch of other shit that we do you get into shit like heavily heavily into something else yeah i if i get into i get into it it does hurt me a little bit because i'm starting to find like i don't know what's going on in the world which is scary as a comic so i gotta dip back in but it's healthier though but but my wife but you also have to know what's going on you kind of gotta know who's current in music yeah like i learned that when i i tried i needed a reference for a pop star and i did it at a college in like uh like four or five years ago or whatever and the last time i did a fucking college gig and i used britney spears as a reference and they're

all look like it just died and i was like oh wait a minute she's like mid-30s divorced mother of two. But in my world, she was still 19. Yeah, we were looking at Instagram numbers. Who was it? What was the Selena Gomez? Her and Ariana Grande are up, but Cristiano Ronaldo was the top. Right, right, right, but singers. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like 190,000 million fucking Instagram.

I mean, she's got one 60 or something crazy. 30 and one 50 or something. Fucking insane. Handling that in her twenties. Oh, how do you not be crazy? And good luck when you're older.

You know, the Justin Bieber had a post the other day on his Instagram talking about all the drugs that he did when he was younger and how much it fucked him up. And now he's got a relationship with the Lord and he's got, you know, he's married and he's got you know he's married and he's trying to be a normal person yeah he's struggling with the fact that he was insanely famous when he was a kid yeah that's not that's not something i would you know i i like seeing

people become successful but that's not something i would i would wish on somebody no it's not healthy you almost wish like he made it now yes but even even then, he's still a kid. He's like 24, 25. But better now than making it at six. When you're a little kid and you become famous and you're the one calling the shots, you realize all these people are – you're responsible for their income. Yeah. Your brain's still developing and you have everybody saying yes around you. His brain is still developing now.

Your frontal lobe isn't even fully formed until you're 25. I was going to say that, but I didn't know that. He's a baby. He's a fucking young boy, but he's trying to figure it out. They were roasting him on Comedy Central

four years ago. That's crazy. He already had like $900 million in the bank. Yeah. He had accomplished enough by like 22 to get roasted

yeah I mean most people get roasted they're like fucking my age Alec Baldwin the one they just did yeah

yeah I love that guy big fan of his I don't know him do you know him no I actually was on a flight one time and he was sitting next to me

really and I was like I'm not gonna talk to him I'm not gonna a flight one time and he was sitting next to me really and I was like I'm not gonna talk to him I'm not gonna bug him and then he just leaned over with that matinee idol voice he's like do you fly often

I was like yes I do and what I found with him was if you just talked about anything other than him or him being him he would totally talk

but the second I ever veered it towards what he did he just didn't have any interest in talking so I was like alright I get it I get it tired of it or him being him, he would totally talk. But the second I ever veered it towards what he did, he just didn't have any interest in talking. So I was like, all right, I get it. He's tired of it. Let's, let's, uh. Yeah.

So the time I did talk, I just would talk about, you know, anything but that. Well, have you ever sat next to someone who's like, hey, how do you come up with your material? Yeah. I'm like, oh, it's fucking red eyes. Right here. This is how I come up with it.

Yeah. What was that one guy? Where are you going, Bill? What was that one story? Oh, that guy. That poor guy. He was on something. He got all paranoid and he had some sort of military background.

He was going to save the whole plane. He had this idea that you were a bad guy. That was a hilarious story, though. Yeah. He had the idea that I was acting fid save the whole plane. He had this idea that you were a bad guy. That was a hilarious story, though. Yeah, he had the idea that I was acting fidgety and nervous. Because he was fidgety and nervous. No, I'm also a fucking lunatic. I was probably fucking thinking of 50 things at the same time. I probably was acting that way, but he took it to the whole level.

Yeah, he stopped the plane. Oh, God. We pulled over. Because he goes, if you don't fucking i'm gonna push that button i was like fucking push it oh that's right i forgot that whole story he was a military guy right oh jesus people that think they have good instincts and their instincts suck are the worst like people think i'm i've just got a good way of reading people like actually you don't yeah well there's two ways to go into something humbly and say i

don't know shit and as you learn shit and you think oh and i'm starting oh my god there's all this other stuff i don't know yeah and then there's other people they learn a little bit and then they're this authority trump and then you get a couple of drinks in them and uh yeah like so you know a plane has to pull over how did they resolve that i don't remember i don't really remember either i i just wasn't something i dwelled on i just remembered the stewardess coming over talking to us like we're children like are you two gonna be okay next to each other and i'm just like i'm fine i don't know what this guy's doing and um he continued to uh yammer at me until he just passed out and then i think when he when we finally landed he was kind of sober and um i think he was starting to feel a little stupid i

think we've all been there yeah we've all been there yeah sure he's a nice guy maybe not maybe he's not maybe there you go there's one way to do it that's another ending to the movie i don't think that will test well with the maybe he went walking through the woods one day all right i'm gonna let you introduce the next topic i don't know where to go with that guy's fucking maybe you got eaten by a bear that's a way to go boy if you had to be eaten by any animal what would it be oh the bigger the better shark over quick uh no not shark i don't like that because i don't like my head being here and the evils under here like just and it's gonna take a bite out of me first to see if I'm edible. And then you're just sitting there, you know, missing a chunk of your leg going, please don't let me taste good.

Please don't let me taste good. Let him just fucking leave. It's interesting. Sharks used to be, if you caught a shark, people were happy. You got that fucking thing out of the water. Good. Like when fishermen would bring in a shark, people would get excited. Yeah.

Now you're a monster well there's uh there's this thing that i follow about sharks on instagram and like it's fucked this person found a tiger shark the 18 footer or some shit right and uh he she went down that she somehow gained this thing's confidence and had like a fish some fishing line and like took it out okay this can't be real and then somehow she ran into the thing again in the ocean and she was petting it like a fucking lap dog trying to suggest that this thing- Knew her? Knew her and was happy and respect.

I mean, the way they cut it together, and of course the music always takes you emotionally where they want you to go. But I was just watching that whole thing going like, it's good that you did that, but I don't think you're at the, I can now, this tiger shark has talked to all the other tiger sharks. No, no, no. Bill's cool. Do you remember Beastmaster? Remember that TV show?

No. There was a dude who was like a jack dude. He had like big bracelets on, and he would fucking commune with the animals, and they would like land on his shoulder and shit. Like eagles would land on his arms, and all the animals would listen to him. It was a really stupid show.

Because there's nothing humble about that name. Beastmaster. Beastmaster. Beastmaster. They're allowing you to live. James Gunn. Now you're acting. Yeah. You got to have the Tarzan hair.

Who was the guy in Beastmaster? Was it a TV show? No. I think it was a TV show. I think it was a TV show. It was a TV show? I think it was a TV show I think it was a TV show Was it a TV show?

That guy Like had this Special relationship With the fucking With the animals They all listened to him Oh yeah I didn't know He had a sword too

So it was He had a big dick too Judging by how long That fucking loincloth is It's like hanging down Below his knees If you don't have a big dick The lion is not gonna listen to you

Look that Eagle's landing on his arm yeah he he this was like the conan the barbarian days like after conan the movie was a giant hit there was a lot of dudes with their shirts off holding swords holding swords it was a thing telling lions where to go yeah it was i'll tell you one thing that i would never do in acting is i will never ever i i can't i probably shouldn't say this but like working with monkeys aside from you know it's going to be a bad movie it's just no fucking way i worked with a writer who got attacked by a monkey when he was a kid. And it was just one of those organ grinder ones and they fucked him up.

One of those fucking... The eating disorder monkey. After he eats all the bananas, it goes and pukes. It's in show business, man. It's got to dance for the organ grinder music. Are there fat monkeys? And he was talking about his clarity and understanding of monkeys just by getting attacked by one. He goes, nah.

He goes, I won't do it. He goes, you do like you're good for about 18, 20 minutes. And then the monkey just starts fucking acting crazy. And then eventually it just gets like, you know, I've always said that you go to the circus like a circus like a bear doesn't want to ride a bicycle so what did they do to that fucking thing to make it give in yeah and it's a bear so eventually it's going to become a bear again you know and it's something's good like all like those circus all that shit it's just it's inevitable like what you're doing yeah circus is dark because they what they do to elephants and monkeys and bears there's a great video it's

not a good well it's horrible do you have any happy videos of animals just existing i don't save those i know you don't just i'm chilling out there's a video of a chimp riding a bike and a bear riding a bike. And the chimp tripped up the bear somehow. And they crashed. And the bear grabs ahold of the chimp, just rips it apart in front of everybody. With that fucking... Yeah, here it is. So the bear's riding, and the chimp's riding, and they collide.

And when they collide, the bear is fucking furious at the chimp and just starts fucking wrecking him. It has like road rage, right? Boom, it goes down. And he tries to help him get back on the bike. Is this it? Is this the one? Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's got the chimp right there? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's too late. I thought they have a muzzle on the fucking thing. Not this time. They trusted him. So he just fucks up that chimp And they can't get it away from him That's not even a big bear that's a small bear

No dude that's fucking huge Would you want to fight that guy in a bar No That guy that's stocky That hairy coming at you That Georgie Animal Steel It's just such a stupid Fucking form of entertainment

You know let's get animals to do shit that they don't normally do people are freaking out wow i like it took them that long to stand up to realize that's not part of the show something about music it can just take you emotionally where you want them to go so they say yeah is he ripping them apart like you imagine that that used to be show business? You used to be in a covered wagon. You'd pull into town. Ladies and gentlemen, gather round.

And there was a show. And then you have a minstrel show, and people would sing and do puppets, and there'd be a play. When do you think the first guy got up and told jokes and made people laugh like when was our first oh who's that guy he wrote that he wrote that great uh book on the history of stand-up and it was a guy like frank faye or something like that was the first guy that went out there like i don't need to have like a fucking hula hoop and spinning plates and he just went out and was like i'm just gonna tell stories and make them like he he kind of did a monologue type of thing but uh he was the first guy if i have it right i think it was the 20s

and then in the 40s he was actually on the side of the fascists he was a fascist yeah there was people yeah there was people in this country that you know didn't think what those guys were doing was necessarily wrong which really if you look at the history forget about this country of humanity like there's always been that so what fucked his career if i'm remembering this correctly this could be like fucking i hope I'm saying the right guy. So he ended up doing this. Here it is. Frank Faye stand up.

He did this show. All right. I guess that's earlier when he's doing the props. He's come out dressed like he's in the Foreign Legion. But he did a show right after World War II, right after he won. And it was a pro-fascist rally in New York City, and he was the big name. He signed on to do it,

and the night was called the Friends of Frank Faye. Whoa. The first stand-up comic was a fascist. How strange. No, I can't say. I don't know that. But then there's other people that – I got a buddy of mine that will argue that Mark Twain was.

Yeah, Samuel Clements. Yeah. Will argue that he was the first stand-up. So I don't know really necessarily. I think it just sort of poked its head up and then ducked back down like somebody improvised a line. Like, hey, I did that without my hula hoop, you know? See, that went good. Yeah.

And they got sick of lugging shit around or something i don't know what it was but uh did you ever see lenny with dustin hoffman yeah he was great in that i mean he really came off like a comic he really seemed like he was lenny bruce no he's an incredible incredible actor you know i actually went down a rabbit hole looking up a bunch of shit about him and um oh no it wasn't that i don't even know how i went down this rabbit hole but these fucking talk about like before 9-11 like what you could do and then still walk around a free man like 18 months later it was crazy like these people on the upper east side i don't know what the fuck they were doing this really radicalized time like the 60s early 70s i don't know what the fuck they were doing this really radicalized time like the 60s early

70s i don't know what the somewhere around that time these people were making a bomb what yeah and these rich kids or some shit because it was like a in a townhouse on the upper east side and dustin hoffman had one on that block close enough to it and you know these fucking idiots blew themselves up blew the fucking building up and fucked with his townhouse and there's a picture of him if you can find it is he grabbed some piece of expensive art that he had bought got it out of his house and it's a picture of a young dustin hoffman walking up the street look at that yeah this poor guy like had the balls to go after a dream. You know, you think it's hard making it as a comic.

I don't even know how the fuck he made it as an actor. Now, forget about then. Yeah, look at it. Blew up their whole fucking thing. And he's like, I made it. I'm on the Upper East Side. Everything's great. And then these-

Look at that fucking- The building's missing. Yes. Oh my God. So he owns something close enough to that. Yeah. Jesus Christ, it's missing. Yes. Oh my God. So he owns something close enough to that. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's crazy.

It's like all the building to the building to the left's fine, building to the right's fine. And that building's obliterated. Yeah. I'm sure that there was some damage done to those other ones. But it's crazy how the one in the middle is just missing. No, but if you look it up, like the jail time that they got, well, I mean, you know, obviously the person who was down there,

the people down there died, I think, but then there was, they figured out who was in cahoots with them, but also their parents owned a townhouse on the Upper East Side.

Oh. Listen, Jimmy's been a little, you know, distant. Your honor, you know, they go to the same fucking party. Yeah, you can get away with shit before the internet.

They passed around some cash. Do you ever see a documentary? Yeah, that chick who shot fucking Andy Wary warhol barely did any fucking time and then years later how he died i always thought he drugged himself for just doing drugs a party but it was i think it was complications from the bullet wound yeah when you when you get like shot like i also think yeah organ damage well when you get shot in the gut too that's like the fucking worst because all that shit that breaks down your food seeps in like the infections and the bloodstream oh yeah it's horrific what did she shoot him for i i don't know i don't know

i'm not saying he i'm not saying anybody was a great fucking person here but that's never a solution but the jail time that that person got was ridiculously short and then he's got to live the rest of his life dealing with the fallout of what that person did to him and then also knowing that that crazy chick is out there well isn't the guy who shot reagan out now no i think they were gonna let him out and he was like no guys no you don't want to do that i think he said that i thought they let him out, and he was like, no, guys, no, you don't want to do that. I think he said that. I thought they let him out.

My memory isn't the greatest. I'm probably combining all three of these stories, and it's actually about- He's out? Well, I mean, just quick, he says he's released. What's his name again? John Hinckley. Hinckley, yeah. You should look up everything I say. Actually, Bill, it's completely the other direction.

Do you ever watch a documentary on the Weathermen? Do you remember the Weathermen? No. The Weathermen were a radical terrorist group from the 60s. I thought it was like some Ron Burgundy shit. Okay. 60s or 70s? That's what that grunge bombing has something to do with that.

There's like a group called like the SDS, the Students of Democratic Society, which was an offshoot of the Weathermen. I'm just looking through the Wikipedia of the story this where they radicalized rich white kids maybe well one of the one of the guys who was one of the weathermen went on to become a professor at a university in chicago and that was one of the things that they were talking about when obama was running for president he's friends with a terrorist because he knew this guy from his university days. Wasn't that like the idea in Fight Club, that the Project Mayhem, something like that?

You know what I'm talking about? That's the same sort of idea where they just wanted to fuck up all sorts of different things in society, and not troll people, but like bomb shit. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. We should have asked Chuck when he was in here. But the Weathermen, anyway, the documentary is crazy. They wanted to take down society, and they wanted to take down the government.

So they were doing acid and having orgies and showing up to places and blowing things up. And there was no, like, so then we can rebuild it? It was just like, let's just fuck it up? I mean, I think there's a lot of anarchists, a lot of people in their youth where they want to just tear the whole fucking thing down. You know, I was having a conversation with my wife about this. Really interesting. Just the other day, we were out at dinner, and she was like, when she was young, she had a rough childhood. And she was hoping that society would fall apart because her life was a mess and other people's lives were great.

And she had this thing in her head like she she hoped society crumbled because then everything would be fucked all over the world no one would be okay because her life wasn't okay i'm like that's really interesting yeah really interesting because her insight the way she was talking about it was like because she was remembering that very specifically when she was young you know chaotic that's why that tarantino movie is so funny to me I loved it I don't think they ever say hippie without saying fucking everybody goes fucking hippies well there's always been people like that right

there's always been people who want to take that whole fucking thing down you know I want to know when you can buy that movie and own it because back in the day you just buy the DVD because that is like you're going on tour that's going to be a good fellas movie for me where I'm going to watch that thing

5,000 times in my life and always see something new in it and then it becomes like the second time I saw it I realized how great the actor playing I'm trying to talk all this surface don't give any spoiler alerts

this guy he plays a director that's going to direct Leonardo DiCaprio. And what that guy does with that role and how many inside jokes. You don't have to be in show business. How fucking funny that guy is. It's like the 90th time I watched Goodfellas, I realized how funny that guy was. The guy who had the wigs like his character yeah how fucking hilarious and how great that guy played that degenerate gambler um because the first time you watch it it's like joe pesci and denier you've

seen all of those guys and then you start to like frankie carbone and you know and uh the roast beef guy and all of that shit but then you just watch it and why just looks like everybody is great in this yeah everybody took like years one or two lines and everybody just like hit a home run you know what freaked me out in that movie that i couldn't believe the violence against women like the scenes the fight scenes i don't want to give anything away but there was some where you're like whoa

you could still do this in a movie like holy shit that's my favorite quote from Tarantino what I saw an interview one time and they were saying

yeah I was trying to write movies and stuff and they were going you can't do this you can't do that and he's like wait a minute he goes I can do whatever the fuck I want

it's like that well that's why movies are great yeah whether you like them or not you're just like that's the comic I want to watch I can say whatever the fuck I want. It's like that. Well, that's why your movies are great. Yeah. He's one of the last guys. You're just like, that's the comic I want to watch. I can say whatever the fuck I want. Yeah.

Good. I want to see you totally unfiltered. Yeah. That's good. I mean, there's a time and a place, I think, you know, to be filtered. Sure. You know what I mean? There's no sense just going in and showing your ass and being a, you know.

Right. If somebody hires you for a private gig and they go okay perform between these two lines you're not lenny bruce if you go in there and you go outside you're a fucking asshole right because you agreed to do that right you do a corporate gig for a christian church right but if you're at like a comedy club it's like no you you're a guest yeah you you came into a nightclub so this isn't you know if you don't like it, you leave. Well, no, it came to see you specifically. And all the other people did too. And the one or two people that'll get upset, well, you're the problem.

The other people are there to see this kind of shit because it's so rare to see. It's incredibly selfish. It'd be like if I went to a restaurant and I didn't like the meal and then the chef owed me an apology and had to change his menu. And you didn't want anybody else to eat. Stop eating. I hate this food.

And if you go in there and eat off of that menu then you're part of the fucking problem and I'm going to try to take you down too. Yeah. Because you didn't have

a problem with this fucking chicken and dumplings whatever the fuck whatever the fuck he's making. Strange time. Strange. Best name special

I feel. Yeah. Well I didn't know what else to call it just that's all i could think of yeah i like it because it's not uh it's not you're not punching them in the you're not you just say it's strange it's a weird time yeah paper tiger yep how long do you think you're gonna wait until you do another one do you have an idea in your Paper tiger. Yep. How long do you think you're going to wait until you do another one? Do you have an idea in your head? Are you going to try to do two years? What are you trying to do?

Do you have a set schedule? No, I never think that. No, because that takes the enjoyment out of it. It's like more like I had a bit that I was doing. The first time I told the story in my new hour, two women like yelled out simultaneously and they yelled the same thing, which means they whispered to each other, let's yell this in three, two, one. And I got out, go fuck yourself.

I got into that with them. And then they went upstairs and I'm like, it's a comedy club. I know they're still there because comedy club security is the worst. It's the worst. They don't know how to kick people out. So I went upstairs.

I put the hoodie up and all of that shit. They said they were at the bar. I walked by. And then I go outside the club, took the hoodie off, and then they were there. And then we got into it again. And I was just like, you don't even know me. Go fuck yourselves. You don't know what the fuck I'm saying.

Fuck you. What were they mad at? Just my perception on something. I was telling a fucking story, right? And it had to do with a lesbian. And then it was the wrong show to do it on because I think it was kind of a gay show. I mean, I went up there. They had paper cutouts of dicks all over the place.

So I'm like, all right. But it's a comedy club. So I'm telling the story I want to tell. So I told the story, you know. So it took me a little while, you know, to kind of, pretty much to me it was like, you know, I don't want to have that kind of interaction with people. So I've just been, you know, working the bit out,

working the bit out. And then like, you know, the bit out working the bit out and then like you know I did the joke the other night at the laugh factory and the exact person from that group came up to me told me she loved the joke and she was just like I feel like you were describing my life and I'm like that's why that's the fun of this shit and um you know as people say like you're working on a joke i can't do it at home yeah i have to go out there and just start throwing shit against the wall and see how to piece this stuff together so to go back to like when are you going to do a special again like i enjoy this part too much to um rush it we had to be thinking about like you know then you're

like okay i'm doing a special i'm taping it here and then i'm in the bubble and then every night i go on stage and it's just like okay no no i gotta do this and maybe what if i opened with this and what if i put in and just it just becomes um you know there's this added weight to it that makes it like you know the opposite reason the entire reason why i got into this business was not to have a fucking real job. I wanted to have fun. So this, which goes back to what I was talking about you when I was watching. I was like, ah, fuck, Joe's on the other side.

He shot his special and now he's going down. And as much as it can be frustrating putting it together, he's having fun every night seeing, all right, where's this idea going to go? Is this going to lead? Because when I'm putting together a new hour, I have some of the hackiest shit ever. And I take all of those rules and throw them out the window. I don't give a fuck if you see me doing these jokes. And most of them don't live,

but some of them grow into something that's- Yeah, and then it's not hacky. And now it's this thing that then shoots off into this this and then you just start spinning off over here yeah yeah and then all of a sudden hey i got like i got like eight minutes i got 12 minutes there's seeds right yeah it's starting to come together so when people go down there and it's literally like it's not even done you're just starting to draw and they're reacting to it saying it sucks and it's like it's it's not done i'm just yeah i agree with you it sucks yeah yeah yeah i'm with you yeah this is how i work out but some people know that some people understand that

some people think they're coming to see a finished product most people now today in 2019 yeah crowds are great yes it's just one person in 50 shows complains. And it's, you know, because there's so much shit to look at. Like, controversy gets people to stop at your website. And then you get credit from the advertisers in the side. And then they gas up shit. And they, you know, I saw a guy recently talking. He goes, you know, it's weird.

Everyone on the internet hates me. But I walk down the street and everybody loves me. So it's just like, so what is, what's really going on there? What's going on is the small percentage that don't like you is being shown to be the majority, you know? Well, it's a very vocal minority who get upset about things. And they're very, they're adamant about it and they're very they're adamant about it and they're very active that's what it is the people that are upset about certain things people that are and they're really responding to outrage culture they're very if you know because then you can do exactly nine times out of ten exactly what they're complaining is being done to them

they turn around and then do trying to find their justice and they just i don't know the irony seems to be lost on these people but like i don't talk about i try not to talk about that shit a lot because i don't want to give it any more added weight than it deserves and it's just like well it's recent if people bring it up i just say you know not everybody's gonna like me yeah i i don't know what to tell you. I don't need everybody. I just need enough people to fill up enough of wherever I'm playing so I can continue doing this. That's all I need. Well, not only that, like as a comedy fan, like what you're doing right now, like what you're doing in the special, the stuff that I saw you working out before the special is what I always wanted to see.

As a comedy fan, that's what I like. I like people who take risks, who say crazy shit that you know you're walking out on a line. You're on a wire. I want to see you walk. Like that Troops bit. You're walking on a fucking wire, and you could feel it.

You could feel buttholes clenching up while you start the bit. I love it. That kind of comedy to me is the most fun, especially now at this day and age with all my years in comedy. If something still makes me go, oh, shit, where's he going? Yeah. And then you pull it off. But the thing is, is if you're going to keep being a comedian, then you know how to do it. Yeah.

So then you're just going to be bored if you just wrote shit that you knew the crowd was going to like and blah, blah, blah. But to then challenge yourself to kind of, hey, can I say what I think about this in a funny way that doesn't put people – because I'm not that guy. I don't want to walk the crowd. I don't want to have people waiting to yell at me. There's certain people that like that and kind of want to be that person. That's not what I'm trying that guy. I don't want to walk the crowd. I don't want to have people waiting to yell at me. Right. There's certain people that like that and kind of want to be that person. That's not what I'm trying to do.

I just want to make you laugh. And I definitely, you know, will steer into air. I have a lot of silly shit too, but I'll steer into some areas or whatever. But it's all like just done in fun. It's just done in fun. It's just done in fun. It's just silly. You just listen to some idiot in a bar. That's all you're doing.

Exactly. And if you're not there to see that, well, then you picked the wrong place. Yeah, it's not legislation. Now you know. Go home. Yeah. I just saw a great quote. Joan Rivers said that.

One of my favorites of all time. What'd she say? Saying a comedian should never apologize for a joke. It just means you didn't get the joke. That bitch was ruthless. Oh, dude. She was you didn't get the joke. That bitch was ruthless. She was ruthless. To the day she died, she was ruthless. No, I saw her.

I saw her towards the end of her life, and I was just going like, I couldn't pull that off. I couldn't pull that off. But she was also somebody that was like Carlin, where they didn't just go, okay, here and we're satisfied they just kept going to higher and higher levels and um that i'm telling you if you watch her on ed sullivan show okay in the 60s where her act was at versus the 70s and then the 80s and the 90s. There's very few artists that you watch that their trajectory is this. Continuing to climb. Jack Lemmon, one of my favorite actors of all time.

You watch him in The Apartment. As great as he is in that, Jack Lemmon in Glen Gary, Glen Ross, blows away Jack Lemmon in 1960, 61. Yeah. Because, you know, not like I knew the guy, but like if you don't take the ride is what I call it

you know when people say yeah yeah and you just yeah I'm fucking yeah that's when you just level off and you start to go back down if you

keep going like I can learn from younger people I can learn from older people peers you'll continue if you but it's

it's constant like work yes if you put the work in like i'm hoping because both of them fascinate me equally carlin and and joan rivers how they they they went they went like this you know and and i'm carlin was so fucking out there i thought there was comedians that didn't get what he was doing towards the end and now you go back and watch what the fuck he was saying in the 2000s

and all of that shit is happening and he was just he was ahead of the curve yeah people thought he was overreacting or no he's just this angry old man

and it's just like he saw where it was going you need to go back and listen he's trying to warn you about some shit and he was just a hundred percent i mean just fucking on on the money like i can watch shit that he said in 1990 and be like yeah like that that actually i know what that is right now like that's it's it that's

not like uh you i mean that's almost like 30 years ago and you don't watch it like he's up there like, hey, take my wife, please. It's not like this. It's like a timeless thing. Going on stage with the seeds of new material and eating shit, not knowing where they're going and taking chances, going on a limb and failing and then succeeding and then finding punchlines and new ways to take the bit. And then one night you ad-lib something and holy fuck, that's it. This is the whole thing. Pornhole. Yeah, you find a wormhole into another dimension and you piece it all together. People get weary.

They get tired of doing that. They look for a retirement. together people get weary they get tired of doing that i think it's just retirement but i also think i think it's a the fear of those stories we were talking about earlier is like the humiliation of trying to learn how to actually be a comedian yes or being in a band anything that involves getting up on a stage you don't want to go you don't want to feel that again right so i think people will like okay i'm doing this and this works and then there's a fear well i'm finally drawing tickets because everybody i don't give a fuck who made it like most of us had that feeling in a comedy condo of like am i the guy who's not

gonna fucking make it what if i don't and that fucking cold sweat feeling I think people who stop growing I think part of it is that you don't want to go back to what the fuck did I I said something the other night on stage

and it bombed so fucking bad it was like a vacuum I can't believe I didn't get sucked into my own it was like a kick to the chest it was like

I had to pull out an old joke to get it so I could get a drink of water like, whew. I had not tightened up the midsection. I was just sitting there like, huh?

You got it right in the liver. Boom, yeah. Yeah, liver shot. It wasn't a liver shot because I would have gone down and went in. Solo plexus. It was, yeah,

it was definitely, I had to regroup and get back on the, yeah, I had to regroup And get back on the Yeah I had stepped into Like a sinkhole On that one It's fun that that Could still happen though

I like that that Can still happen I like things that Scare the shit out of me I always have I'm into them I'm not into safe things I like it when it goes

Off the road And into the trees I In certain parts In comedy I do I don't like that In Life Yeah No In my personal relationships i don't like that in uh life yeah in my personal

relationships i don't like when it gets scary i don't like that either yeah that's uh that could that could be a problem yeah i think that we all can learn like if we keep doing it i think one of the domerara told me this too he goes joe one of the things i really love about comedy he goes uh i think i'm better than i've ever been he goes i've been doing this comedy for fucking 40 years i agree with that i agree with it as well but it's because his love of it you know dom loves it like he'll go on stage in the or and they're bringing him up you know ladies and gentlemen you've seen this guy on hbo and this and that and that and this all his fucking credits and he's walking onto that stage with a big smile on his face. This is the best part of his day.

He's going to go up there and fucking murder. Does anybody give a better shitting on your intro than him? No, he's the best. One of my favorite things at this store is like, Dom's bringing you up like,

oh, I can't wait to hear what he says about me. And it's always like this, he does this complimentary while he's taking your fucking knees out. Yes, exactly. He's a fantastic

on kill tony he's one of the best guests ever on kill tony because you know okay yeah because those comics go up and they do one minute and so many of them are brand new they might have done stand up once or never before and it's their first time i can't believe those kids have the balls to do that it's amazing i would it's a great show it's a great show Because of that And Tony's such a great host And him and Red Band Fucking with the people But my favorite by far Side guest Is when Dom is a guest

I'll have to check that out Because he's so fucking good at it He's so good at shitting on bad comedy And half compliment you And half shitting at you At the same time I used to love his show That he used to do at the Laugh Factory

Busting Balls With Di Marrera Yeah He would do I did that Yeah and they would sit down with you I did like an hour on Jamie Masada half shitting at you at the same time I used to love his show that he used to do at the Laugh Factory Busting Balls with Di Marrera yeah he would do I did that yeah and they would sit down

I did like an hour on Jamie Masada Buddy Buddy Bill Burr Buddy I never said that man never said that Bill Burr you did say that you did say that

you did ban me from the club listen Buddy you did all of this shit I don't know who put your stuff on YouTube was not me Buddy he's not me buddy he never owns up to the fact he banned me from the club

one time that never happened why did he ban you? he was doing this thing where he wanted people to work clean or something and I went up there and admittedly just some nights you get on stage you start saying fuck and you can't stop

it was one of those sets. And he goes, buddy, what happened, man? You know, you go up on stage, you fuck, fuck, fuck all over the place, man. And I just laughed. I thought he was fucking around. And then I all of a sudden I wasn't getting spots. And then somebody gave me advice. Call him up and apologize.

And then he knew he had me. And I apologized. And then he just fucked with me what how long ago was this uh late 90s fun times fun times no they were not fun times and the store was not fun but you would go down the store there was like nobody there and it was just these fucking famous comics would just drop in and they would do like hours and they were and they didn't do the work they hadn't written anything and they were just standing in the mics and yeah so what else is going on and they were teaching all these young comics that like someday when i get on a show i'm gonna fucking do that i'm gonna come in there and i remember being like this is what it is what the fuck is this and then uh it's all late 90s then i went down to the improv and seinfeld was right

as seinfeld had wrapped up and it was the first time i was seeing him live and it was like jerry's popping in and i was just like oh wow man okay i want to see jerry and he had a 20 minute spot and he did 20 minutes he came up He opened with something that worked. He closed with something that worked. And he worked on his new shit in the middle. 20 minutes, got the light, wrapped up. Thank you. Good night.

I remember thinking, like, that guy's a fucking pro. A pro. Yeah. There was a time where that was a thing to do, where guys, you know. And I think Chris Rock would do it, where that's how he would come up with material. And he would say to the audience, don't get too excited. ain't gonna be that funny right he would say that like he would go on after somebody that killed like someone would do like 15 minutes right of all their best shit and then chris would pop in so chris would go up afterward and he'd go what else what else and he

would like i think it was a strategy to put himself in these bad positions hoping that he would find a way out of it and then he would take those little chunks that he would like, I think it was a strategy to put himself in these bad positions hoping that he would find a way out of it and then he would take those little chunks that he would find when he would find a way out of it and then build those into bits. But he wasn't one of those guys that went up and just did two hours to do two hours because he was Chris Rock.

No, he did like 20 minutes or something. Yeah, he was always like, whenever I saw him pop in, I would always watch because he was, he had written stuff and he was working on it. I know who you're talking about. Yeah. I know who you're talking about, exactly. There was a couple of guys that would do that.

Oh, it was the worst. It was bad because they weren't even trying to entertain the crowd. They were going up there being famous. Yes. And by the time they were done, the fucking and by the time they were done the fucking show was done people just get up in droves because it wasn't entertaining yeah yeah yeah well those days are done you know that's the beautiful thing there's no more of that a couple people have tried to do that you know a couple people have come in like fairly recently that are famous and

run the light and done 45 minutes try to do that and they can't back. They've had a few of those people try to stop in. I never thought that that would. I always thought that fame would win that one. That's good to hear. And they're actually doing the person a favor. Well, you know why they can't do that anymore? The shows are sold out every fucking night at the store, and it's packed with killer comedians.

You can't do that anymore you can't go on between you and delia and joey diaz and just what else what else you can't do that anymore those days are done yeah you got to bring it after joey those days are done yeah jesus christ joey diaz will leave a fucking hole in that room he leaves a hole and you got to fill that fucking hole in before you can even start to tell jokes. Yeah. I love Joey. He's a monster. I've never seen anybody kill harder in my life. I've been doing comedy 31 years.

I've never seen anybody kill harder than Joey Diaz. Yeah, he has a command. He's a monster. Yeah, when he goes out there, it's like, all right, the captain's here. Yeah, he's a monster. He hits some high. And also, by the way, he's doing comedy from 1990. He's doing comedy like Me Too never happened.

The internet never happened. There's no fucking rules. He does not give a fuck and just really doesn't. He still kills because most people don't give a fuck. Not in a toxic fucking way that they say. It's just like they know they're seeing jokes. They know that he's fucking around. Right.

He's funny. Yeah. And it's good. That's the other thing too it's ridiculous outrageous but it's also really well word well worded well-timed shit right yeah this is how much good comedy was telling me there's a thing out there now that if somebody shows up who's hard of hearing you're supposed to have a device for that to help them out and if they don't, they can sue you.

So there's some fucking ambulance chaser, hard of hearing guy going around suing people. Well, I've done shows where they had a sign language horse and you've done that, right? Well, they have to do it at certain theaters. But my thing is, why is it on the club? It's like, you know, you're hard of hearing. Yeah. How the fuck like i gotta yeah hire somebody yeah if you have a limp do i have to make sure there's a cane there i did cobs once and there was a guy in the audience that was deaf and he actually hired someone to do sign language so someone was sitting facing him while i was like

he was facing me and someone was sitting like say if if Jamie is the audience member and you're like this TV's where the stand up is. This lady was doing this and then doing this to him, doing this and doing this to him. And the guy was like getting along. And so I was going, what's going on here? And then I had to sort it out. You hired her to do this. He goes, yeah, I bring her to, you know, he explained. I bring her to comedy clubs. I go, do you bring her to do this he goes yeah I bring her to you know he explained I bring her to comedy clubs

I go do you bring her to movies like he's like it's like this guy had this lady that he would hire and she would do sign language for him

but good for him though he didn't make a big deal out of it he just he hired somebody that's actually great so he can go to movies and nobody talking

bugs him people eating their popcorn too loud he can't hear any of it he's just getting he doesn't he only needs to see a movie once he gets all the fucking dialogue he can't hear any of it he's just getting he doesn't he only needs to see a movie once he gets all the fucking dialogue

he doesn't get the music the manipulation the music gives you that shit doesn't work on him oh that's interesting yeah this music drives me nuts in movies

I mean I like it it adds to movies but there's sometimes when I'm aware of it that's when it bothers me when I'm aware when there's like piano playing and the guy and the girl

holding hands I'm like come on right you didn't need to do this to me or if they pick a hacky song oh that you've seen in like 40 different movies it's like all right yeah yeah that was cool when scorsese used it in 1980 but it's a it's an interesting thing because it came from the time where there was no sound in movies so they would add a musical soundtrack. Because the movies were silent. And you would see the screen where the words would come out. So we, from then, associated movies with music.

It's a weird thing. Like, these people are talking. There's a shootout. There's a fucking fight in a scene, in a movie, in a comedy club or whatever, in the movie. And then there's music playing and all this stuff's going on like why is there music playing why you manipulate because they've always had music in movies so from the time they had movies where they were silent there was music playing in the background they just kept it in there like it doesn't make sense that music is in movies you're showing me scenes of things that are supposedly really happening and i'm supposed

to be locked in like they're really happening but there's this unexplained fucking music that corresponds with all the action on the screen there's an art to everything for sure if used properly yes no for sure there's an art but it's amazing that we automatically associate those two things together right because music is a totally different thing than a movie, but yet they're inexorable to us. I wouldn't want to watch Jaws without that fucking theme. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Oh, fuck, it's back. That's all I would think when I'd hear that. Oh, no, it's back. I wonder if when they first invented movies, if they already had invented audio recording. Because it's kind of crazy they invented video recording before audio. You would think that it'd be easier. No, they used to be, then if some person would be playing the piano live.

Sure, sure, sure, sure. They did that too. At the event. That's what I thought. I don't know. A little before my time. I think they did that too. But they definitely,

if you watch an old silent movie, there's music playing. You know, I watched a thing on, I like those turner classic movies and um i was watching this thing they did a whole thing on buster keaton it was fucking unbelievable it was i was i recorded i've watched it like three times do you know that guy broke his neck doing a fucking stunt it wasn't even aware that he did it. He was definitely in pain. He was doing some gig,

some bit that was like a train coming down. You know the water spout thing that you pulled down? Yeah. The joke was that it came down on him, but they didn't understand. They didn't, you know, the physics of it, how hard that water was coming out,

and it slammed him down onto the train tracks. You don't, there's so much water, you don't see how he hits, but he broke his fucking neck and didn't realize it. Then years later, he went to the doctor with some headaches or something. I don't know what the hell it was. But the guy was going, he's just looking at the x-rays. He's like, so when did you break your neck?

He goes, I never broke my neck. He goes, yeah, you did. And point this shit out. Yeah. I dislocated my shoulder apparently at one point in in time and I didn't know I did it. I got an MRI. The doctor's like, you dislocated your shoulder. I'm like, when?

Dude, you're a fucking lunatic. I would have been flopping like a fish out of water if I did it. You know who else broke his neck in a movie? Stallone. When he was like 65. When he was doing the expendables. Someone threw him into a wall and he snapped his neck. To this day, he's got bolts and rods in his neck.

It's all fused together. Whoa. Yeah, you see an x-ray of his neck? It's fucking nuts. Pull up an x-ray of Sylvester Stallone's neck. Talk about a guy still fucking giving people their money's worth. Yes. 65, he won't even do the stunt double?

This show is like the Sylvester Stallone fan club show because everybody, like whenever his name comes up, like the other day, Eddie Bravo was talking about all the fucking movies. This guy's relevant from Rocky I in the 1970s and now he's doing like Rambo 14 or whatever the fuck it is.

He's 85 years old. September 20th, I think. Yeah, he's a geriatric old man holding a knife. Coming to get you. He's still at it. Still at it. Billboards everywhere. Rambo. People are psyched. Probably going to be the number one movie still at it. Still at it. Billboards everywhere.

Rambo. People are psyched. Probably going to be the number one movie in the country. I love a stuntman. Didn't use a stuntman and broke his fucking neck and then continued filming. That's for all you youngsters out there. Anytime they go, you want the stuntman to do it, always say yes. Look at this.

Tom Cruise duct taping himself to the side of a plane. These guys are crazy. Look at his neck. So he's got a cage. Scroll up. Oh my God. Yeah. So his neck is fused.

All those vertebrae and screws and bolts. And those never come out. Never. That is his neck for life. Not only that, it compromises the upper and lower discs. So when your neck is fused like that, that's an unnatural sort of condition for those joints. So the upper and lower ones, there's additional stress and it's an unnatural leverage point.

Yeah, fuck that. Fucking dude, he did it when he was like 65. He's got screws and bolts in his neck and shit. He got thrown into a wall and crack. What does it say?

Stone Cold Steve Austin was so fucking vicious I ended up getting a hairline fracture in my neck. I'm not joking. I haven't told anyone this. I had to have a very serious operation afterwards. getting a hairline fracture in my neck. I'm not joking. I haven't told anyone this. I had to have a very serious operation afterwards. Now I have a metal plate in my neck.

Yeah. Yeah, Stone Cold Steve Austin, who's, you know. Who's also, he broke his neck. Oh, he broke everything. All those guys have everything broken. No, the guy was putting him in the pile driver. Oh, really? And he was supposed to, you know.

Supposed to leave distance. You're supposed to have, like, the guy's head's poking through. When he jumps up you kind of ease up with your legs so at the last second you tuck your chin I guess

right it was how I watched him explain this shit and what the guy the guy was like freaking out that he was fighting him or something like that

or he fucked up oh look you can see it right there oh yeah see that he just he didn't do it properly he dropped him right on his fucking neck

I mean ooh it says almost broke his neck but it probably fucked up his discs the craziest one what was crazy was he was supposed to win that match and then he was just fucking laying there so they didn't know what to do so they just took his arm and just put it on the guy's chest and they were like one two three over oh my god yeah the craziest one i ever saw was Brock Lesnar. He did a flip through the air and landed on his head. Flipped through the air. He's 300 pounds.

Flips through the air. I think he called it a shooting star press or something like that. He would flip through the air to land on somebody, but he miscalculated or he slipped or whatever when he did the jump off the top rope. Oh, God. 300-pound gigantic man. Lands on his face. Didn't even knock him out. Just continued like, ah! And just fucking pinned the guy afterwards. Oh, God. 300-pound gigantic man lands on his face. Didn't even knock him out. Just continue like,

ah! And just fucking pin the guy afterwards. Watch this, because this is fucking... Oh, God. This shit freaks me out. Absolutely preposterous.

Scroll to the end where he flies through the air. Isn't there, like, just a highlight of the actual... It's not as available. We used to joke that that guy was so big.

Like, that's... The sword tattoo is, like, actual size.'s not available. We used to joke that that guy was so big. Like, the sword tattoo is like actual size. I don't know what happened to it. Yeah, it's right before that. Right before that. Because that's where he's KO'd. Yeah, right before that. So scroll a little bit before that.

A little bit before that. It's not showing it. Just right there. Click there. It's right down. Okay, so it must be right before. So it seems like they're showing highlights here. I thought I could find it easier.

Okay. They don't have it on YouTube? I think it's because he's good at the animals getting eaten alive. Yeah, here he is. Here he is. This is him. Oh, no. Watch this.

Look at the size of that motherfucker. He looks like a cartoon. Look. Boom. He missed. Oh. Landed head first. Look at him holding his head.

Most humans are dead right there. Just dead. So Kurt Angle's trying to pin him. Nope. Shugs him off. The idea that you're even alive when you land on your head like that. He just totally miscalculated. He's so lucky he's not paralyzed.

Oh, yeah. Well, he doesn't have a neck. He just has shoulders that go to the top of his head. And he stays with the storyline. Yeah, he popped out of it. Wow, that's a fucking pro. That's why he gets the big bucks. That's why he gets the big bucks.

He was thinking about coming back to the UFC up until just a few months ago. He was going to fight Daniel Cormier. They were holding the heavyweight title because they were going to match him and Daniel Cormormier but then he just decided you know he he was doing some legitimate wrestling with some real national champions uh in michigan state and you know i think he got to a point in his life he's like especially without steroids because the ufc has very strict anti-doping policies and the last time he fought he tested positive and so he was like look i just

can't do this i'm not going to do this and plus when he was on wwe there's not a chance in the world he was pissing clean i mean so for the years after the ufc when he was on wwe he was taking whatever the fuck he wanted to and he was giant built like a fucking brick shithouse and then they're like he's like i want to fight one more time and then if he's going to fight one more time he's got to be clean so he's got to enter into the usada testing pool so he's got to be in that testing pool for a period of several months before they'll allow him to compete so they're testing him this whole time such a dumb fuck i was picturing him getting into a pool no and i'm like what do they do? What, you sweat?

They figure it out. Get in the pool. We need to clean you to find out if you're on steroids. But he was that close. I mean, he's like late. I am so glad you continued to talk to that point or I would have been walking around. They got a pool and they get in the pool and they make you do some laps and then they test the water if there's steroids in it why the pool i just think it's more accurate you just keep answering and you don't have an answer

you just give one oh boy all right he's a fucking giant human being yes he is that's viking dna right there kids yeah yes it is. All right. Let's wrap this bitch up, huh? Yeah. Let's get in the sauna. Relax. Let's do it. Let's do it.

Sweat out the cigar. Let's take a nice sauna. Ladies and gentlemen. How did you like this cigar, by the way? I liked it. Did you do it? Very much. Well, I didn't have that one.

I had this one right here, which was a different one. What is this one? This is my favorite right here. I wish I could read this, but my old man eyes are not allowing me. La Aurora Sapphire. Great afternoon stick. I got one right here. Great afternoon stick. I got one right here. Great afternoon stick.

I'll have it later. Nice and mild, yet flavorful. Tonight, Netflix, midnight. Midnight all across the country. Eastern time everywhere. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. So midnight tonight.

I don't know how it works in other countries, but I would think the way Netflix does their business, they're good at it. They're on top of it. They're the shit. Yeah. But I'm excited for you, brother. I'm very excited to see it too oh thank you very much

and once again thank you to Mike Binder for the way that it looks shout out to Mike Binder you gotta see it and if you come to the improv

and the comedy store Thursday night Bill will be working with me we're gonna have some fun and that's it bye you fucks see ya Bye, you fucks. See ya.