The Joe Rogan Experience - #135 - John Heffron, Joey Diaz

Episode Date: September 6, 2011

Joe sits down with John Heffron and Joey Diaz.

Joe Rogan Experience. We're rolling. Hey everybody. What the fuck? What's going on? Hi Joe. My pal, my neighbor, winner of Last Comic Standing, the great John Heffron is in the house. John, if you don't know, has his own podcast now with another hilarious guy, John Reap, who also is a winner of Last Comic Standing.

So two Last Comic Standing champions together on one podcast. What do you guys call it? We're calling it The Last Podcasting. The Last Podcasting. Yeah, we couldn't figure out the name. I didn't want to kind of have a silly name. Kevin Smith took the rubber off your thing. Will you stuff it back on?

Yeah, he's real particular. It was really, I mean, I think these things are good. The spit shields. People don't like that popping shit in their ear. But Kevin Smith likes to hear it raw. Because he takes it low, Joe. So, I'm sorry. So, what do you call it again?

What's the podcast called? The last podcasting. The last podcasting. The last one. Are you claiming this? Is it?? What's the podcast called? The Last Podcasting. The Last Podcasting. The last one. Are you claiming this? Is it? No one after you? Well, that'll be it.

Just because it's obviously playing on Last Comic Standing, we didn't know if you wanted to call it. Think of it with a clown horn behind it. Is The Last Comic Standing such a big thing in your life that you would do that? Is that like, when you look back at your accomplishments as a comic, is that like the number one thing? I don't think so personally, but it's one of those things you don't know where your path would have went you. Like, so if I didn't do the show, would I just be just that headliner who makes nothing just with a couple specials? And it's kind of different than doing stand up, isn't it?

Because you're doing stand up in these little short bursts for an audience and you're like trying to get them to vote for you did you find yourself like altering your material well because i'm long not long-winded but my my jokes are are long so i'll stick with the same subject and have jokes every couple seconds right so to do a four and a half five minute set is really hard for me yeah and i did on my season i did 12 five minute tv sets not repeating stuff so my brain doesn't click together small sets like that so that was you know that was that must have been a big challenge 12 i did 12 minutes sets and other other seasons a whole hour of almost yeah because every material i got challenged almost every episode so you perform then the next show.

And for people that don't understand why that would be a big deal, here's why it would be a big deal for a guy like John or a guy like me. We have similar writing styles that we go into a bit, and that bit will squeeze every thought out of that bit and use it to transition to another bit. And those segues are kind of difficult to do, but it's very important to make sure that the material flows seamlessly together. If there's a hiccup in the subjects,

then the audience can pick up on it and it doesn't click with their brain as much. So it's really hard to do these little five minute sets and break them up because oftentimes one bit will lead into another bit and one bit by itself may only be like two minutes but it causes a 10 minute bit because it's the catalyst for all this other stuff that comes after it which you really just can't get away with in a five minute set like that it's real and then if you're used to not memorizing but telling stories that way to go so what's with mcdonald's i was in a car recently i hate flying and do that your brain doesn usually, it's harder for me to, let's say, know or remember perfectly a four and a half minute set than it would be for an hour and a half. So do you think like.

Because it's so disjointed for me. So that, do you think that that, it must have helped you too as a comic, just the challenge of doing that. Well, I did. So, yeah. So it was all those sets. So, yeah, so it was all those sets, and then literally the next day when I was performing in a bunch of theaters, I felt the need to write a new hour as fast as possible because people wouldn't want to hear what they just heard for nine weeks of network television. Of course. years leading up to last comic i wrote what i think was a funnier hour and i've gotten more out of that hour as far as development deals and pitching stuff to networks uh in probably two or

three months just out of sheer fear of i need to come up with new material to survive or this is going to stop louis ck just had a video that i found on the internet somebody posted on the message board uh where he's talking about George Carlin and how George Carlin inspired him that after like 15 years he was doing the same act like literally for 15 years and then he was listening to Carlin talk about how he does comedy how he does it and he throws the whole hour away every year and starts with a new one and you know and that Louis thought it was so crazy and he was like crying in the car while he was listening to this because he was like is it a moment where it's like, I fucking hate what I'm doing.

I hate my stand-up. But because of that challenge, look how good he is now. And it's funny. I think habits are definitely contagious. You hang out with certain people that do certain things, you'll do that. I just saw Louie in San Francisco. I had a show. And then I went to his midnight show and watched him.

And I left in the week after. I just saw this a couple weeks ago. On stage, I think I did 15 minutes of new stuff just because the ceiling was raised. You go, I do really well. I crush it. And then you see somebody who is working on a new hour. And I heard from the club, he went there Wednesday, figured out some stuff. And by Sunday, they go, in those four days days his stuff became so tight because he'd go home and he'd write so it inspired me to go right I'm gonna

do that I'm gonna I'm gonna do the same thing and so I'm restructuring everything for that reason where you just get bored on stage yeah getting inspired by other comics is the greatest fucking thing ever it's a humbling thing you know you see someone who's really killing it and it's like just how like a regular person watches stand up and they can't really quite believe that someone can do that there's a lot of people that watch stand-up and they can't imagine themselves doing it well that same feeling you get kind of get that same feeling when you watch someone who's really great at it when you watch someone who's really great at you like whoa this motherfucker is just hitting heights like you don't even want to know if you can do that yeah you know i'm

saying like you don't even you don't even want to know if you can do that. You know what I'm saying? You don't even want to think about it. All you want to do is just get to work. Yeah, it's kind of like when that guy ran the first four-minute mile, and then everybody else started falling, and they're like, oh, there's a whole other level here. Yeah, except you can think about running fast. You can't think about getting funnier. You know what I'm saying?

You just have to work. You just have to work at it. When I say you can't think about getting funnier, you what i'm saying you just have to work you just have to work at it but when when i say you can't think about getting funnier what you can that's it's that's wrong i mean you can be unhappy and decide to improve but that you can't be thinking about it while you're up there i have to be funnier i have to be funnier you just have to be in that fucking groove you know what i mean yeah you can't be thinking like that's a thing that people don't understand like you can't think i'm going to try to be funny. You can't.

Yeah, no, you're right. Right? And I always tell younger comics, the guys who hang out with, like, open micers, with notebooks at coffee houses, they kind of learn to write that way and they kind of stay at that way. I tell young guys, we got any advice? Yeah. we got any advice yeah every friday night come here and watch somebody's been doing it for 20 years and see what you don't like see what you do like and start figuring out that way you know i mean yeah yeah it's uh it's a fucking tricky game this stand-up comedy but it's for me in this this last week this happened after 23 years and and how i write. I saw Louis, got motivated in a sense of, okay, I'm going to start challenging myself there.

And then I decided to rework my entire act like in this crazy, no one will know the system that I have. But yet it got me really, really excited to do stand-up. So this whole week when I was in Tampa. No one will know the system that you have. What do you mean? If you were watching, you would never know that this went down. stand-up. So this whole week when I was in Tampa... No one will know the system that you have. What do you mean? I want... Now, this sounds like if you were watching, you would never know that this went down, but I want to construct my whole

act as the hero's journey. Like, in every movie you see, about ten minutes into the movie, something crazy happens to the character that spins him off in the movie. Well, I'm trying to put my whole act together where at ten minutes in, I tell you, I don't know if... I gotta make a decision. I might want to get divorced. And then suddenly the crowd's like what and then it's my journey and then the

thing i got this huge master plan it's how i've always done my act but i'm really gonna try to hit beats where suddenly that means you're gonna have a romantic part in the middle of it too but you would never know but listening you're just gonna laugh speaking of romantic what is this jim carrey gay movie you were telling me about? It's something called Philip Morris. I love Philip Morris. And it was a Netflix film. I was like, wow, I like Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor.

And then I'm laying in bed last night after watching Red State, and I watched it, and I was disgusted. There was parts where Jim Carrey was fucking guys from behind very violently and he has a shirt off and he's like and the guy's like, come in me, come in me.

What? And I'm like, what? That's too far. This is not Ace Ventura is now a fucking whatever. And so then there's a part where Ian McGregor and he's got this horrible bleach hair and half of it's spent in jail where there's just a bunch of gay sex going on in jail.

And they make it – at the beginning of the movie they say it's like this all happened, like this is a real story or something like that. And it is the most craziness – The most craziness movie? I'm trying to censor myself. It's the gayest movie I've ever seen in my life. Why can't you say gayest? Because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want to hurt retards' feelings.

Two guys having sex with each other is pretty gay. That was a joke. I'm just kidding. Oh, Brian. That needs to be on a shirt. It was the weirdest thing, seeing two guys just making out that you're... So Jim Carrey was mouth-to-mouth

like that. Like you're making out with a Jedi. What the fuck are you doing? Ewan McGregor was just making out with dudes yes tongue the whole thing jim carrey was just fucking super gay and yeah i don't need to see that it's awful dude you know how like when most rated r movies you never like see a girl's pussy like they never like bend over and show you their pussy right but yeah you'll see them naked. It's okay. I understand. I understand that this is going on. If there's a guy kissing another guy,

I feel like you don't have to show me their tongues touching. I believe you. That's when you reach, you go in the refrigerator, get some bagel bites, start microwaving those, look down for... You want to freak me out? Get dudes touching tongues that I know are straight. That's why it's so hard.

When you've got a straight actor and another straight actor, and you're making them make out, what kind of crazy gay fantasy is this? The whole movie is based on dirty, raunchy, gay sex, too. How many times has this happened? It's like they took Brokeback Mountain. They were like, dude, we're going to go times two. We're just going to have Jim Carrey and a fucking Jedi just fucking everywhere and butt sex and sex. Was it a comedy or was it like a...

Absolutely not funny. The whole time I was sitting there acting like I'm asleep so my girlfriend wouldn't think I was gay watching this movie. But is it supposed to be a funny movie? Is it supposed to be a comedy? I don't think so. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 71%. That's pretty goddamn strong. They're all cocksuckers at Rotten Tomatoes.

Damn, we need to see this. Allegedly. We don't know everybody there. Allegedly. Wow. We know Roger Ebert loves man-to-woman sex. I need to see this. Officer-turned-con man who makes the leap to white-collar criminal after being sent to prison. Don't need to see this. Officer turned con man who makes the leap to white collar criminal after being sent to prison.

Don't need to see it, man. Also, the whole movie, Jim Carrey. Doesn't say anything about crazy butt sex in here. The whole movie, Jim Carrey looked so weird. I couldn't tell if he was wearing a wig or if he just had the creepiest hair ever. Like if he was in character. Because it was kind of like Forrest Gump for gay people or something like that. He's like, I then went to prison

and decided to suck that guy's dick. It was from Texas. It took place in Texas. They all had that little twang like that. I was like, bubble shrimp. I don't remember what I was talking about. Butt sex. You were talking about butt sex

and Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey looked really creepy like like he had like this weird four line like head headline i can't tell if it's really his hair's like receding or he had like a weird dumb and dumber kind of like haircut and it was creepy on top of already a creepy movie jim carrey's a good actor yeah there's a lot of people that don't give that guy credit he can fucking freak you out that that cable guy thing yeah remember when he played that cable guy that was a weird role man he he played that good he can do some shit man i'm a big jim carrey fan i know a lot of people you know there's something that people think about him being like real big and silly like ace ventura that somehow no there's something wrong with that like it's pandering or it's low

brow or whatever. I just think he's funny. I don't need to be intellectualized with my funniness. Now imagine him sucking a dick. Watch this movie. I can't. He even has that hair too where it goes down. Like kind of like River Phoenix.

He was sucking a dick? Dude, he was sucking dick, fucking guys in asses. He was like not showing it obviously, but it was very gross. But they did show him kissing. Oh, they showed him making out with tongues or a spit sling between the guys' lips? I'd almost rather see a dude fucking a guy in the ass than kissing him. Yeah, with a spit sling, too. A spit sling.

It's the least of a dude. Yeah, because kissing is disgusting regardless. Well, I know a dude with a hard-on is very confused as it is. A dude with a hard-on is basically just a sperm machine. very confused as it is. You know, a dude with a hard-on is basically just a sperm machine. You're just managing this fucking unstoppable sperm machine that's on autopilot. That's what a dude with a hard-on is.

So if you just woke up and you found your dick in a guy's ass, like, god damn it, now what to do? There's a big difference. But kissing, that's like a thing. Do I go in first? Do I tilt my head? You're really thinking about... Yeah. Guys fuck guys in

prison but i bet they don't kiss too much you know probably don't kiss dudes they made it sound like they made it sound like the whole thing where the prison system was like you could either get you know soap or you can get uh sand to clean yourself in the shower you get soap if you suck my dick you know things like that like they made it seem like the prison system was all completely about sucking dick. Like, if you want your mail, you have to suck my dick. It might be. Yeah, yeah.

It might be, man. I just, I want to know if this is, one, a true story. I don't think it is or not. But, two, if the guy, if, I want to know who based it on. I want to know if it's a true story. Based on.

Yeah, most movies are. I was too tired because it was like 6 a.m. I was too tired to, like, Google the guy's real name to see if it was a real story or not. I bet it is. Oh, get the fuck out of here. I bet it happened at the Abbey. Didn't I just look it up?

Huh? Yeah, I don't know. Didn't I just look it up? See if it's a real story. That's all I really want to know. What? A real story of just a guy hooking up with another guy? A real guy about a scam artist that just loved to suck dick.

Bad Santa co-screenwriters Glenn Ficarra and John Requa. Sorry, guys, if I said your name wrong. Bad Santa. Totally Bad Santa. Yeah. Well, these guys are psychos. Those Bad Santa guys. Yeah.

These guys are psychos. Oh, I need to see this, man. They're probably just sitting around like, let's see Jim Carrey suck some dick. Dude, I need to see this. I did not know that this was such a fabulous movie. I never yet. Would you imagine just sitting going, I need to see this. I did not know that this was such a fabulous movie. I never yet. Would you imagine just sitting going, I'm going to write a script.

You know, and you sit down, and your first thought is, guys sucking dick. That's not like that. Might I be like, how can I do an action movie with guys? Why not, dude? Listen, if you can make a really good movie

about guys sucking dick, good for you, man. Maybe this movie, Brian disagrees on a lot of movies. Maybe this is an amazing movie. Because look, it has 71% on Rotten Tomatoes. Rotten Tomatoes, 71% is strong.

I think the biggest thing was seeing Jim Carrey do it. Here's the big test. Ready? Here's the big test. I say I trust Rotten Tomatoes. I say Rotten Tomatoes generally represents how I feel about movies. It's pretty accurate.

Let's type in Boondock Saints. This will be it for me. Type in Red State. Oh, I wrote Boondock Saints. John, have you seen this Jim Carrey movie? No, I have not. Will you watch it? Not after that ring.

I just know. Yeah. Okay. I'd rather see you. 17%. Okay. Yeah. Look, Rotten Tomatoes is on point.

Rotten Tomatoes is on point. All right. Type in red state. If it says 71, then that movie is good. Type in red state. Don't be a douche. Don't be a douche. Yeah, but you loved Red State. That was like the best movie ever.

Think about what you're doing. I haven't seen it. I don't know what it is. 40%. I really liked that movie. I thought it was way better than that. But I've talked to people online who didn't like it, man. Rotten Tomatoes is not accurate 100%.

I think it is. And I think Philip Morris might be the best butt-fucking movie in the history of the movies. I think I've got to go with that. I wish Rotten Tomatoes was just tuned in to what you like. You know, you could say, give me your favorite movies. Maybe there's a program like that. You could say, give me your favorite movies. What music do you listen to?

You married, single, divorced. How old are you? Are you healthy? Do you exercise? Throw that shit into a divorced. How old are you? Are you healthy? Do you exercise? Throw that shit into a computer. Are you stoned? Are you drunk? Are you sleepy every time you want to watch a movie? Just tell me what's good out there, man. Do you eat? Do you go to cheesecake before the movie and get full?

What do you do? Then that problem is that you'll never expand. You'll never become someone other than who you are. They'll just keep giving you the same influences. I know iTunes with their genius, they kind of do that with music. They do. It's pretty dope. A lot of times you are, they'll just keep giving you the same influences. I know iTunes, with their genius, they kind of do that with music. They do. It's pretty dope. And a lot of times, you go,

yeah, I would have put together this playlist. I just got Apple TV. I've had it for years. It's fucking awesome. It's beautiful. It's incredible. Have you done the thing where you film video with your phone and then just push a button and it plays it on your phone?

Oh, you flick it. Yeah. That's incredible. That's incredible that's incredible that the uh the the ability to play songs from your phone i was listening to one of you guys's podcasts on you know because there's a podcast thing and popped up and just hit play the most amazing thing is i went to documentaries just i'm thinking you know what do they got they got fucking page after page after page of all the best documentaries. I saw I got Red State.

I rented Red State. Dude, they have everything. The Corporation. They have pretty much every documentary, mainstream documentary I've ever seen is on this Apple thing. I watched The Man on a Wire one night in Dungeons and Dragons. I mean, there's a lot of obscure documentaries that don't make it to there, I'm sure.

But they had driven the Jens Pulver documentary, which is pretty obscure. Even in the world of mixed martial arts, I don't know a lot of people who know about it. It's got Vimeo. You have your Vimeo channel on there now. Wow. I just sit there and watch all the fucking podcasts that we do at Death Squad on my Apple TV. That's incredible. We have the whole thing on there.

The only thing I liked about Roku that was better, which is the exact same thing pretty much. One's Apple, but one's Did you say you have your Death Squad podcast on Vimeo? Yeah. How do you have them on Vimeo? Just upload them onto Vimeo every time we do one. We should do that with this, too. Yeah.

Why don't we do that with this? I don't know. Okay, let's do that with this. Make don't we do that with this? I don't know Make a list, right? Is that a motherfucker? That's more of a statement Than a Hey, do you think we should? Why wouldn't you do that with this site? Business stuff, I'll tell you later

Oh, business stuff Okay, if you want to talk about it on air We can It might be tricky So anyways Okay, if you want to talk about it on air, we can. Not really. All right. We can. Okay. It might be tricky. Yeah. So anyways, but no, no.

Apple TV is... So it's on your... You can watch the Death Squad and listen to it or just watch it? Yeah, on the Vimeo channel, you watch it and listen to it. It's, you know, just lay in bed and watch it. So you're filming your stuff on Vimeo as well as putting it on Ustream? No, I'm just taking my... See, what happens is Ustream for me crashes all the time because i have ads and commercials where you got you know privileged to get all that taken away uh for my watchers they hate using the service

which is understandable some of some of the stuff yeah a lot of people complain about those ads so i stopped the whole screen you miss a chunk of the podcast right so i took all my uh stuff uh after it's broadcast live i take it off you stream uh and put it on vimeo just because i have a pro account i never used vimeo and now that apple tv started vimeo on the apple tv i was like you know what i'm moving everything to vimeo now because vimeo my youtube accounts always get canceled they They always get busted. Like I had a director account, which I don't know you, but when you first signed up for YouTube back in the day, if you made longer videos that were like over 10 minutes, which is what the limit was at

that time, uh, you could apply for a thing called a director account, which gave you access to put movies on there. Like YouTube was trying to reach out to small independent directors. I got that account. They stopped that a year later. And now you have 15-minute limits on YouTube. Nobody has any longer unless you're a company. How come I see that, though, sometimes? Because all the director accounts got grandfathered. Oh, wow.

So YouTube recently took my director account away, so I can't do that on YouTube anymore. Yeah, we used to be able to upload longer shit. And I remember I tried to upload one of the podcast video blogs that we do on Vimeo. We have ten of them up there. And what we do is after we have an interview, we sit down and we videotape like, oh, that was fun. We shoot the shit for a little bit and get to just whatever. It's just something else to do. It's just fun know so we started putting those up on vimeo but

they're like way better quality than youtube and they let you put like 15 20 minutes they don't give a fuck you know like do as long as you want youtube is like smaller and shittier quality i guess some some of the youtubes are a nice now too, right? Right, right. Yeah, but that's why I use Vimeo. But usually Vimeo just looks better, doesn't it? Well, Vimeo actually from testing used to be – I mean YouTube does a great job with their HD stuff. If you do it right, you follow the right codecs, they're perfect and they're in more devices. They're in more phones. They actually have it down pat.

Vimeo is kind of cool. It's a smaller company. I wouldn't say i think they're up to par now that but for a while i thought youtube hd was actually a lot better but our shit looks better on vimeo than it looks on youtube um how come well you might see the one of the things that youtube is when you're watching a video on youtube it always defaults to like a lot of times it defaults to the lowest uh resolution and so you have to reset it. Vimeo always puts you in HD when you're on their page. So a lot of times it's just a simple thing like that.

Oh, fuck you, YouTube. Well, YouTube has a lot more users. They're definitely trying to save bandwidth. There are settings in your YouTube account that makes it so it's always playing HD and always the best, but it's not defaulted to that. Speaking of YouTube, did you see that video that they just put out of the chimps that were locked up? They never saw sunlight for 30 years. I believe they were stolen from their mothers at birth and taken to Austria.

And they were used in labs where they were shot up with hepatitis and HIV. And then they released them from this and then they let these chimps outside for, like, the first time ever. It was crazy to see. And if you see that and you still think people should be experimenting on chimps, you're a sick fuck. Those fucking things can think, man. Those things can think and they feel and they have emotions. They're smart.

And when they got outside and they started seeing the sun, started jumping up and hugging each other oh hugging each other and looking out and trying to figure out how to walk on the grass and touching things and hugging each other and laughing dude that is that is the craziest thing that we justify is taking intelligent animals and holding them captive whether it's dolphins or chimps that is a fucking weird thing man i mean that is like slavery it might as well be slavery if you know how smart a chimp is locking them up like that you might it might as well be slavery imprisoning them stealing them from their mothers like whoa man that's That's pretty fucking rough. You're causing some serious pain. Some real emotional pain in these poor animals.

Smart fucking animals, too. It's a weird video, man. It's really creepy. It makes you feel bad to be a person. It makes you feel bad that someone's doing stuff like that. You know, I know there's a lot of people out there that go, Fuck you, man. If it wasn't for those things, we would be dead and this and that.

Really? Are you sure? Yeah, vaccines vaccines are awesome don't get me wrong it's it is awesome that they figured out a way to cure a lot of diseases you're absolutely right but at what cost that cost is that the only way to do it i'm not down with you doing shit to a rabbit you want to fuck with a rabbit yeah it doesn't really bother me but when they can think when they're smart i know rabbits get scared it sucks to be them, but they're fucking rabbits, man. People don't want to hierarch animals, but there's a reason why some animals just sit around

and eat and shit and that's it. And then there's other ones that are way stronger that eat those motherfuckers. That's why those motherfuckers are there. They're food. They might not know it. They think they're just grass eaters. They all serve a little piece, a little piece in the pie. But chimps are so close to us to lock them up like that and see them come out of this thing. It was really heartbreaking.

It was really confusing. It was like, wow, this doesn't seem to be something that we should be doing in 2011. It doesn't seem like we should be doing any studies on chimps at this stage. We know enough about human beings. We know enough about feelings and emotions. We know enough about how close they are to us. And yet we're still willing to do this? That's fucked up.

I'd be happier if they were doing it to murderers. Happier if they were doing it to shitheads and rapists. You know what I'm saying? There's a lot of confirmed cunts out there. Right. Some confirmed jailed up cunts. If we wanted to do experiments, for real, why don't we do it on them?

I mean, people go, you can't do that. It's involuntary. I know. But you know what? So is rape and murder. If someone is guilty of rape and murder, then the question is, how do you know for sure that they're guilty? They didn't just get fucked by the system because they have no money and they couldn't afford a good lawyer.

But that argument aside. How about the ones that go, no, I killed all 12 of them. They were sleeping in their beds. I came through the window and I killed them all. The Ted Buddies of the world. Yeah. Fucking experiment on them. Leave those chimps alone, man. Chimps never did shit to nobody.

You don't have to steal them from their mothers. Little baby chimps and fucking put mascara on them and shit. But why can't we kill them? Because people are pussies. That's why. If we're going to kill them, the week ahead of time should be all experience. Did it on Jason Bourne and look how that worked out. If I was a member of the Ted Nugent message board, I'd probably tell you that what the fuck the problem is is the goddamn liberals.

But they're right. It is the liberals it's the idea of constant compassion and the need to treat all human beings as absolutely equal despite their past and what they've done listen man, if you're some fucking religious person who's like completely recanted from your horrible life

and it seems that you've done as much as possible to make up for your shitty actions in the past. There's people that have made mistakes and have turned their life around. I completely, totally believe that. But then there's also cunts. Yeah.

You know, it's up to us to figure out who the cunts are and just experiment on them, man. You're on your fourth trip to Aruba coming back by yourself, even though you and your girlfriend went, yeah, you should get, you know, hooked up to your nuts. Why does it always happen in Aruba? I know. What is it? Is it people saying no? Is it girls turning guys down and the guys being mad? Is it someone getting jealous?

Is it just psychopaths? The last one was a guy who met a girl online, flew her to there on vacation. His girlfriend is the most recent missing woman. Yeah. I think he might have said that she's probably dead now. So that guy. He said she's dead? Yeah, I think.

But I would just, any girl listening, if anyone says we should go on our senior trip or maybe go to Aruba, there's other areas you could go. It's so weird, man. But that is something that girls have to really worry about. They have to worry about being killed by a guy. Like, that's a possibility's a that's a possibility it's a rare possibility but out of the 300 million people in this country that's a big number every now and then one or two is going to pop up and god damn is it heartbreaking some fucking person who's attracted to the opposite sex but doesn't get what he wants so often and is so psychopathic

that he becomes angry at women and wants to kill them. And they're out there. They're out there. And you see it in any city you go to, like Vegas or even around Tampa, girls let their guard down to the point well, I'll see, maybe because I'm older now and just about all of them could maybe be a dog. Not really. But you look

and you see them. They're drunk and they think that bitchy voice that they have is going to be their protection. You know what I mean? Just that kind of I'm a drunk chick kind of noise. You see them, they're drunk, and they think that bitchy voice that they have is going to be their protection. You know what I mean? Just that kind of, I'm a drunk chick kind of noise. You see them, and they're lost. I don't know where you are. And they're, like, in an alley in the middle of Tampa.

You're like, what are you doing? Yeah. Especially in Vegas. Some of them are, like, little children, too. It's like, you know, you see some girls that are drunk in Vegas that are, like, 20 years old in Hamburg. And you're like, wow, that's like a little child. She's just out there catching dick. I know.

I was in. You don't think of them as little children when you're 20. You know, when you're 20, they're just chicks. Now you see them. Yeah. But when you're 40 and you look at 20-year-olds, you go, wow, they're like childlike. You know? And some of those poor girls, man, that shit's going to program their life.

Bad experiences when you're hammered at 20 around animals. man that shit's gonna program their life bad experiences when you're hammered at 20 around animals yeah that shit could program your life that can change the way you behave forever you know just a few shitty decisions around the wrong people in the wrong crowd and just changes your opinion i saw i've wherever i was performing two weeks ago the uh bouncer guys driving back to the hotel. There's a big, huge dude with some really drunk woman. I bet you she was 55, but kind of still

scooched out. And she was with another woman, and the woman looked at the big guy and says, I don't know her. I have her cell phone. I'm going to call her first thing in the morning to this big, huge guy. And the guy didn't look at this other woman. He goes, come on, I'm not going to rape or whatever.

He just looked at her and went, whatever. Like that. And then this drunk chick got into the car, and then they drove off, and then that woman got into the car. Wow. You're like, what do you do? I mean, I think it was a guy picking up a drunk girl, but it was kind of one of those.

I had a moment where I could have stolen somebody's girlfriend recently, if I was that type of guy. Stole her? Well, it would have been a cool movie thing. There was this girl at the gas station, and she's got a tub of aloe about this big. Aloe vera? Yeah, and a big thing of ice. And she's icing.

The guy has one of those Crock-Trock motorcycles. Yeah. And it was about 110 outside. And she obviously Burnt her leg on the exhaust So now they're sitting by the gas pump The guy's putting all this stuff on All this aloe He's got his leather jacket and motorcycle

She looks so pissed We've all seen pissed off girls before But the look of just And he even came out with one of those roses And she got it and just set it down like if i was like one of those douchebaggy guys all i would have had to done is just stick out my hand like every movie and go take my hand and put her in my jeep and drove away that guy would have been left right there that's ridiculous that you would think that that would work yeah what do you think you are how overconfident are

you prince you know you're like one of those guys like, watch, she's going to turn around and look at me. No! No, the deal is, I had a car, though. She didn't have to get back onto a motorcycle. So what, do you think that's all you have to do is have a car? Yeah, she was probably pregnant. When the girl was putting aloe and ice on the inside of her leg,

yes, that's what I mean. You're out of your fucking mind. I could have sold her right then because of this situation. You are so delusional. I could have taken my hand. That could have been a very good relationship, and a guy just got a motorcycle, knew on motorcycles, they had a great time riding together, and unfortunately she burnt her leg. But she loves him, and she loves being with him.

Not the look on her face. And you just come along and like, take my hand. Yeah. I would have said it just like that too. You need way better words too. Take my hand is not enough. Yeah. But did you do that in movies?

Did you trust me? Yeah, I could have said that. Did you trust me? Yeah. Take my hand if you want to live. I could have said. No, you need something better than that.

Yeah. But that would have been the time. No. I have four wheels. No, because look, he just made a mistake and the guy came back

and he was being nice. He brought a rose. It's a nice gesture. He's obviously a nice person. He feels bad about it. You're never going to relive that mistake. And you come along and you just try to steal it? You're ridiculous.

He's never going to relive that mistake. Yeah, you might be hating. You have a bag of cocaine and $100. That would have worked more than that shit. That doesn't work to a girl that just got off a motorcycle and has a burnt leg. Cocaine and $100. She's like, I have a burn on my leg. I don't want any cocaine.

She wants air conditioning and pants. And not have to ride outside. Hey, I got a great cartoon to start watching. If you want to show your little kids a cartoon that they can fall in love with, but it will be awesome for you on top of it while being stoned, it's the best for that.

It's a double level cartoon. It's called Adventure Time. Adventure Time? Yeah. It's called Adventure Time. Adventure Time? It is the most ridiculous fucking cartoon I've ever seen in my life. I'm so addicted to it. It's great for kids. Kids will just fucking sit there and love it

to death. It's all about princesses and princes and adventures with dragons and horses. It is trippy as fuck. What is it on uh it's on cartoon network it's on all the time like i i just dvr'd it like i schedule it and i think i got seven yesterday so oh dope cool i'll check that out is it an animation one or is it like oh yeah it's animation it's kind of put to the same animation style as a game called katamari but it's very

simple but very trippy like a lot of dragons and and swords. When you say that it works on both levels, is it like Pee-wee's Playhouse? Kind of, but not the new Pee-wee's Playhouse. Does it feel creepy? They have it on Showtime. What he did is he did a live thing throughout Los Angeles for a while and then he took it on the road. I think he went to New York

and he had a live show of the Playhouse and they filmed it for, I think, Showtime or HBO. But I tried watching it, and it's completely weird now. Is it weird because you know he was beaten off in a movie theater watching? No, it's weird because it's like he still looks pretty good. He still looks pretty much like Pee-wee, but it's just off a teeny bit where you're like, wait, he has a double chin now. That's so odd.

Oh, he's getting fat. He's getting kind of older. Yeah, right. He's got this little puffiness to him that just kind of, I don't know. It's kind of weird. I would like to see the- People still go see Kiss, though, and it's kind of the same. Yeah.

I would like to see the video of Pee Wee Herman getting busted, beating off the- Do you know how awesome that would be to have the video of him with his tongue out? Yeah, it was in slow motion. And then they'd come over and tell him to put his fucking dick away and get up. And nowadays, he would have been even bigger than he was. That would have propelled him. Oh, yeah. I know, right?

Well, that's the funny thing about that. A lot of times when things like that happen, there's a backlash. But it was sort of like an anti-backlash with Pee Wee Herman. They liked him more. You know? Yeah, now he would have made more money if you go Kardashian route. You know why they liked him more? Because he's gay. He's a gay guy that got caught jerking off in public.

This is my theory. If he was a straight guy that got caught jerking off in public, it might be a little more creepy. But he's a gay guy. You're like, poor little fella. He's got nowhere to beat off. He can't be open about it. He's got to go watch straight people fuck and concentrate on the dicks.

You know, can't even go to a gay place because he's famous. He's got a little bit of that. But when that happened, though, didn't he lose his show? And actually it knocked him, you know, he was really popular. That happened. And then people took him off the show. So he kind of lost some leverage. You might be right.

I might not know what the fuck I'm talking about. I think that know what the fuck I'm talking about. I think that's what happened. In the court of public opinion, maybe in his financial world, it devastated him. I don't know. The court of public opinion,

I felt like he did better. I don't know. What other show? Did he have a show still? Because it was a long-ass time ago. When was the last time Pee Wee's Playhouse was on? He had the two movies that came after Playhouse.

Oh, this was probably in the late 80s. Where he got arrested? No, but at its height of popularity in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Yeah. So he probably got arrested in the early 90s. I'm guessing. I remember I went to see Pee Wee's Playhouse with my then girlfriend at the time, who was also very silly.

She was a silly girl. She was a good person to go see movies with. And we were fucking crying laughing. I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. I was like, I was a huge Pee Wee Herman fan. You know? It was just so ridiculous. Tom, large, large, essentially.

Yeah, we would do that all the time. Ha, ha, ha, ha. They didn't let him, Tammy. You know, here's my funny idea. He's just so silly. Yeah, You know, here's the funny thing. Everybody I know has a big butt. Yeah, you just have all these random,

like. Even the way he would like be in love with a girl and bring her flowers and stuff, it was so bizarre. It's like,

God, what a fun, it was like a fun, silly movie. Do you know, do you know our friend Jeff Scott is like the number one

Pee Wee. Permanent impersonator. Yeah. I used to remember watching PM Magazine, which was a show in I think the Midwest. I don't even think it was.

No, PM Magazine. I had it in Detroit. Okay, yeah, yeah. And they interviewed him. I remember watching that episode and then now just finding a couple years later. That was back when there was a show called Kids Are People Too. Yeah. That's incredible.

That's incredible. You remember that? That's incredible. What was the other one that came on right before it? I always always say. No, Real People. That was the original YouTube. It was Real People. That's incredible. What was the other one that came on right before it? I always say. No, Real People. That was the original YouTube. It was Real People.

That's incredible. It was the original YouTube. I love. Remember the old Ed McMahon practical joke show that used to be really big? Oh, yeah. It was. TV's bloopers and practical jokes. Yeah.

And you had the cartoons from the game show with the whammies. Yeah. What's that called? I don't know. No whammies, no whammies. Stop, press your luck. They used to have those whammies. Yeah. What's that called? I don't know. No whammies, no whammies. Stop, press your luck. They used to have those whammies. And for some reason, those whammies were so popular that when that game show was canceled,

they were like, we're going to use the whammies on this show now. Really? It was like, wow, you're just using cartoons from a different game show. To just continue the whammy tradition? Yeah. I looked up. I watched a Real People episode on YouTube recently, and it was all just crazy. And then we're going to go to Wisconsin where this guy can jump 5,000 feet into cheese.

It was all just random stuff. And if you look at it, this person has every Coke can ever made. They all would have their own shows now. If you look how crazy these people are, every one of them would have a show on Discovery or an A&E. There'd be a reality show about every story that the people did. Byron Allen was like... What the fuck is with these pawn shop shows?

They're all fake, too. I thought they had hit the bottom when they were following guys who were driving on slippery roads. Yeah. Ice road truckers. The road is slippery. He's in a truck. Seven years. Nobody's falling in.

Yeah. It's the same fucking show every week. The guy's on the icy road. Oh, it's getting slippery. Yeah. I mean, I thought that was dumb until I watched one of these auction shows the other day. No, a pawn shop show, rather. Where the dude, it wasn't even a pawn shop show.

It was like a bargain sort of a show. He shows up. A guy's got a sign. He goes, how much do you want for the sign? Oh, I'm not looking to sell it. What if I give you 500 bucks? No, no, I don't think that'd be enough. What if I gave you 1,000 bucks?

Well, now you're making me think. I'm like, what the fuck, really? This is a show? This is a show? Is it the one with the two brothers, and one guy fixes everything, and one guy buys everything? I didn't get that far.

I didn't get that far. They were just trying to buy a Coca-Cola sign from some dude. I wanted to punch the screen. But it's 100 times better than that show on TruTV, the pawn shop show that's completely fake. But yet everyone on the show is stars. But this was fake too, man. This was fake too. It's like the only thing in it for the person watching was you want to find out how it ended, how did it get resolved.

It's like this. But it's like the lowest level entertainment ever. It's a guy like I'll give you a hundred bucks Nope that's not enough I'll give you five hundred bucks Well now you're making me think Like

And then the cash register And then you're sitting there With your mouth open Waiting to see You think he's gonna buy the sign I don't know Is he gonna buy it It's pretty close

Holy butt Yeah he's I miss the days When the pawn You know pawn shop owners Had a gimp And that was all that went down. They're all creeps, right?

And they all have an expert. They're like, well, luckily I called the expert of 1822 Bullets. No, you don't. Pawn guys don't have a team of experts. Most pawn shop guys are kind of creepy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I've known about pawn shops is pooloo hall dudes who always would sell stolen shit To pawn shops

Yeah they don't have a guy going in there Trying to sell poo cues to buy crack And I know a dude who had a housekeeper And they caught the housekeeper selling shit to pawn shops They found their shit They traced one of their things It turned out it was sold at a certain pawn shop Their fucking housekeeper was stealing their shit

And bringing it to pawn shops That would suck Can you imagine having a pawn shop that was also a check cashing place how much how popular that would be yeah you'd be robbed well they give you cash there so it's technically actually it'd be the wrong thing you wouldn't want a check crashing place there no but it's like it doesn't make sense it's just all for one. They don't have any money. Look, my dad... Don't start this business.

It's not going to work. My dad does not go to cash checking places or pawn shops. So it seems like the people, the clientele of those two places seem like they would enjoy a place that they can go to do both if they have to. I guess that makes sense, but it doesn't make sense because it's two totally different things. You're totally broke. You have no money coming in, so you sell a stolen TV.

That's the difference between having a check to cash and a dispenser. We'll give everything your dad won't do. In a strip club, in a bar. Didn't you say you got your dad high once? No. Can you not talk about that? No. I didn't get him high.

It was when I had a thing of weed soda, and it tastes like cola. And he was like, do you have anything to drink? And I gave him some weed soda. Well, what happened? He was having a great time laughing and telling funny stories and giggling. It was awesome. Did you tell him that you could have a day like this every day now because we were drinking wine also so i uh i think he just probably thought that wow that was

some good wine why don't you just tell him that you gave him some weed soda come on man that's great why do you think that generation why don't you tell him huh why won't you tell him dad you had a great time because you were you weed soda. Because he has a job. And if they knew about that. Oh, they pee test you? Everyone lives in California. Well, dude, a lot of places don't pee test their employees. I don't think it's like the majority of places pee test their employees.

I had to fucking pee test to work at Gateway. You have to pee test to work at Starbucks. Not any Starbucks people, they can't smoke weed because they get pee tested. Hold on a second. Stop it. Yes. You're talking about baristas? Most major jobs you have to pee test.

Brian, I do not think you're right. I do not think you have to pee test to work at Starbucks. I had to pee test twice. Hold on. Did you just make that up? Did you just make that up? I had to pee test twice to work at Gateway. Did you just make that up about Starbucks?

No, Google it. We have Google right here. Starbucks, employees. That's incredible if it's true. If it's true, I'm going to start going to Coffee Bean. Any major company has to do it for insurance reasons, though. Really? Yeah.

It's like the rule for most big companies that their insurances are so high that they have to do shit like that. At the Starbucks where I worked as a barista, there was no drug testing. No drug testing was ever performed. They certainly did not do random drug testing either.

As far as drug testing, if you get injured while working, I do not know what the policy is. But Starbucks is not really a laid back place to work. Okay, well Starbucks doesn't. What the fuck, bro? You can't just say they do. A lot of places do, though.

When I work. Brian, but saying that Starbucks does to work as a fucking barista is a ridiculous thing. Don't say stop, man. I misspoke with Starbucks. What I was talking about is most companies nowadays do require drug testing. I don't think it's most companies. I worked

at a lot of places, Joe, not long ago. Seven years ago, I was waiting tables. I worked at a lot of companies that drug tested. I had to do it all the time and buy fake urine. Joe's got some terrible news for you today, by the way. Max and Irma's? What percentage do you think?

What percentage of companies drug test their employees? Out of the last five real jobs I had, I probably got drug tested at three of those five jobs. And these are bullshit jobs. I would divine the search by going, what, Fortune 500? Because they would have the money to do it? That's not normal. It's pretty normal

for companies to drug test outside of california that's all i'm saying is that i wasn't saying starbucks as like starbucks i'm saying companies like starbucks and things like that major companies i was i was surprised are you ready for reality okay here it is major laboratory testing company offered the cheery news recently that the percentage of american workers who tested positive for illegal drugs last year was the lowest ever. So people are testing. The cheery news is that people are not doing drugs as much because they're buying shit at waterbed stores like myself called Waterbeds and Company. And it was a $20.

What's he talking about drugs? $40 investment. Isn't it what that quote is saying is that he has good news that people aren't testing positive for drugs. Yeah, what are you talking about waterbeds? They sell at head shops in Ohio and in the Midwest. They don't have head shops like marijuana stores. So they sell, like they have companies like waterbed stores that sell head stuff supplies in it. There's a place called Waterbeds and Stuff in Ohio.

Okay, did you expect anyone else to know that? Well, I was explaining it. Then you stopped me. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. I was just getting to this point. Anyways, they sell for $40. He's so feisty today. What's going on with him? It's your fucking Teva sticks

I got. I know. You need to learn how to handle that shit, son. But they sell this shit that you drink that you drink right before you take a drug test and so what you're pretty much doing is you're pissing out this shit that's kind of like water, I guess. They just did a big thing in... How come I can't answer this question?

I'm answering this question, what percentage of companies drug test their employees? I pumped this into Google. Give me an answer, bitch. It's funny how long Google questions, how now when you first came out, you pick up two words, like drug testing. Now you go, screw it.

I'm just going to write an entire paragraph. I'm going to see what happens. But in Florida, they had, they tested everybody on welfare. And, you know, like, that's a big thing is you have to get tested, drug tested, before you get the welfare check. 98% passed. Whoa, hold on a second. Listen to this shit.

A 2006 survey by the Society for Human Resource Management found that 84% of employers required new hirees to pass drug screenings. 84%! You've been in California too long, Joe. And 39% randomly tested employees after they were hired. Holy shit! In addition, 73%

tested workers when drug use was suspected. And 58% required testing after accidents on the job. Whoa. What the fuck, man? That's a lot of new hires that you do. That's horrible. That is a horrible thing, man.

84% of employers were requiring people to take drug tests. Wow. That's incredible. That's so discriminatory. You know, especially for things that stay in your system but aren't as damaging like weed. Whereas cocaine is out of your system. You take it on a Friday, you'll pass a drug test on a Monday.

It's a quick thing. It gets out of your system quick. Unless I think they test your hair. I think if they test your hair they can find it a little longer. And at the waterbed store they have a shampoo that you put on the hair if they do test your hair. Really? It's crazy that this waterbed store in Columbus, Ohio is still in

business selling one waterbed. It should be called Stuff and Waterbeds not Waterbed and Stuff. I love that store. I love waterbeds and stuff. You gotta go do it next time you're in Ohio. I don't think I do. They're going to pass on that stupid fucking store. They have shit for every drug test. I think your waterbed would actually smell like bong water and be kind of crappy to sleep on.

Do you ever have a waterbed, Joe? Yeah, the worst thing ever is you have a waterbed and then the power goes out. And then the waterbed's not hot anymore. And it fucking pulls heat off your body. You don't realize it's actually kind of dangerous, man. Did you have a black and white furry bedspread? I think everybody who I've ever met that had a waterbed. I probably did at one point.

It was a good waterbed, though. But they suck for fucking. My cat popped mine while we were fucking. It was a slow leak. But what happened is we both woke up at the same time. And it was... Hissing. But you said, well, not me and my cat were fucking.

No, I wasn't fucking the cat. The cat popped it while I was fucking a girl. It was like something I tweet. There was no punctuation, so I didn't know what it was. It was a guy. It was Tim Carey. I was fucking sucking Tim Carey's hard cock. His helmet showed back to my throat. The cat was trying to bring you back to reality. It wasn't the water was. It was a guy. It was Jim Carrey. I was fucking sucking Jim Carrey's hard cock. His helmet showed back to my throat.

Your cat was trying to bring you back to reality. It wasn't the waterbed. I peed myself. His dick was just pushing all the piss out. Brian, you need to go to a doctor. Oh, Brian. That's what you were telling Joey Diaz the other day. You would put it off forever.

You need to go to a doctor. I re-watched the last Joey Diaz podcast last night. And that's the funny thing. Because when Joey Diaz is going crazy, he kept on going, you need to go to a doctor. You need to go to a doctor. I watch two. What would he be the doctor for? Like a yelling doctor? A crazy doctor.

Stop doing that, Joey. You need to talk to somebody. You need to go to a doctor. Two of the funniest Diaz things, the video where he was going, pushing a cart to Target. Yeah. I laughed so loud. Yeah, Mad Flavors World was going, pushing a cart to Target. Yeah. I laughed so loud. Yeah, Mad Flavors World. Yeah, I was laughing so hard.

If you go on YouTube. Is it Mad Flavor World or Mad Flavors World? I think it's Mad Flavors World. Okay, let's find out because people need to know. It's so, so funny. He's just walking around talking to people in Target without them knowing. Are you going to do a Death Squirt show Friday? Mad Flavors World. I don't know. Why are you asking me on the air? So then people can't know about it. Yeah, them knowing. Are you going to do a Death Squat show Friday? Mad Flavors World.

I don't know why you're asking me on the air. So then people can't know about it. I don't know. I may do it on Friday. I may not. Mad Flavors World. It is on YouTube. You've got to go and check it out because what Joey's doing is he's just doing these little videos,

putting them up every now and again. I'm glad he's doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's awesome. More content from Joey. Anything he does is awesome. You know? Joey's such an enigma.

Such an unusual person. I've never met anybody that I let yell at me like Joey. But he's like, you just weather the storm. It's like, you know, it's almost like not even real. Like, all right, Joey. You still mad at me? You done? You done?

Tell me when you're done. I watched that video. It makes me laugh. That fucking Sasquahana weed. That video posted what you were doing. Fuck you guys with your fucking vaporizers. It gets crazy, man. Over a vaporizer.

We'll start screaming. You fucking pussies with your vaporizer. I want it to be healthy. It's fucking weed. He'll get mad at you, man. Was that the guy that you did? Was it a radio show you did where you invited him in? I saw that clip.

Oh, the Alex Jones show, yeah. What happened after that? Like, after when you said... The dude was baffled. Alex Jones just sat there in a pile of rubble. I don't know what the fuck happened to his show. I mean, could you imagine, man, if you got a doom and gloom show,

and those of you who haven't seen it, just Google, some dude did a Goodfellom show? And those of you who haven't seen it, just Google. Some dude did a Goodfellas version of it, which is fucking hilarious. I wish I knew the YouTube. But look up Goodfellas, Joe Diaz, Alex Jones. I don't know. You could find it. And anyway, what was hilarious about it is Alex is just so serious.

It's all doom and gloom. Yeah. And the government and the CIA has been spotted in Nicaragua with tons of cocaine. And he's just like, fuck. And to have a guy like Joey come in and just wreck shop, just completely ridiculous and going for the laugh. You know, I thought I had cancer. My left ball's bigger than You know, I thought I had cancer.

My left ball's bigger than my right. I thought I had cancer. You know, and to do it and just this guy's got this fucking empire of doom and gloom. He's got this empire of the fucking end of the world is here and this is what he's selling.

This is his entertainment. And he's my friend. And we just walked in and just gave him silly. Just this is, here's some ridiculous motherfucker.'s a human cartoon we're both high as brian is so high brian is sitting there with little esther they're sitting on the floor watching at the on the bottom i'm like under the desk like we'll just sit here and watch they wanted to be inside watching and brian's

filming it and him and little esther are giggling Dude, that was one of the greatest moments of my life That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen Now he was live at the time he was doing that? Yeah Oh yeah, yeah, yeah We're on the internet That's how all these videos are out there And he said there's a dump button

I know when I did radio No, no, no Oh no, so He doesn't have anything dumping when he's online When he's online, the online version is uncensored. Nobody swears. Wasn't he broadcasting the live to tons of other radio stations? No, that's why I told him.

He was while I was on. The first 45 minutes while I was on, it was just me and him. And then we were like, okay, we're going to do this next one. We're going to live on the internet, but don't swear. If you do, it's okay. But that's what he said. He can't say that. I hope he's okay, by the way.

Have you been watching the news about Austin and all the fires? Is it bad? Oh, it's super bad. Like, tons of houses. Well, I saw Dale Dudley posted something on Twitter about it that it took him like two and a half hours to get home, and it's scary. Yeah. A lot of people are losing their houses in Austin right now.

Dude, wildfires are fucking nuts. I've been in a few of them now. I've been evacuated from my house on three separate occasions, twice in this house and twice in my other house. It's fucking scary as shit, man. How do you decide, because I just had a conversation with my wife going, we have no exit plan for zombies, earthquake, fire, nothing. We have nothing now. How do you know what to grab? That's the one thing that was like.

You don't need to grab anything, man. Grab your fucking wife. Kids and then. Stop thinking about your shit because it's over, man. You can reaccumulate shit. You need to grab anything, man. Grab your fucking wife. Stop thinking about your shit because it's over, man. You can reaccumulate shit. You need to get the fuck out. When you get to a situation like that, you know what you need? You need your credit cards.

You need your fucking laptop, if you can get it, and some clothes for a few days. Just fucking run because they swarm on you so fast. This is how fast those fucking fires are, man. We were in Lake tijon which is like over an hour north and you have to take the five up past santa clarita so i'm on the five up near santa clarita and the fire is right there it's like as i'm driving to work it's like 10

o'clock in the morning as i'm going to work it's like right there and i'm like whoa fuck like this looks bad it looks bad i mean it was a big fire so i'm at work we're filming fear factor we filmed for about three or four hours we get done with the stunt and we see smoke coming over the mountain now this is over an hour and a half of driving 70 miles an hour the fire got to where i was in just a few hours. So I leave. I get on the fucking highway. And the entire way home, the whole right side of the highway is ablaze. Like a horror movie. Because it's nighttime.

Right. And it looks like a scene from The Hobbit. Like I'm waiting for demons to come riding over in black horses with fiery eyes. I mean, it's fucking terrifying, man. And I tried to take some photos. I saw, we also saw a dead guy there too, but I think I talked about that. Saw a guy get hit by a car.

Matt Kunitz actually saw him. One of the producers of Fear Factor. He saw the guy's body. He didn't, I don't think he actually saw the impact. I think he just saw it right after it happened. I saw somebody get hit once, and I still have that vision in my head. You can't try to run across the highway, man.

People can't stop that fast. You've got to be able to gauge how fast a person can stop. You know, like a race car can stop 96 feet from like 100 miles an hour. You know, that's a race car. That's a lot of fucking distance, man. 96 feet, screeching coming towards you, a giant hunk of metal. That's if the people are actually paying attention, not texting or something. Yeah, no shit.

You've got to be careful. There's people who do text on the highway, which is amazing. I see it a lot now. You see them just looking down and just kind of. Motherfuckers. Motherfuckers. You know, someone, John Anik from ESPN's MMA Live, you know that show that they have? Yeah, yeah.

He always says, don't text and drive. He says it at the end of every show, which is such a good thing to do. Just put it in people's heads. Just don't do it. Like Bob Barker. I think text and drive is better. If your pets want to fuck, that's unfortunate. But Bob Barker is a good guy.

Just trying to make sure there's not any unwanted puppies. Just little messages. Little tags. People have little tags. Goldie has one. I work with Mike Goldberg. When a fight's over, it's always, And it's all over!

Yeah. Joe, do you know who Tyler the Creator is? Who? Tyler the Creator. Is he a rapper? Yes. He's really young. He's like 20 years old.

Oh, yeah? And I've been following his Twitter for a bit now, but I guess really young. He's like 20 years old. Oh, yeah? And I've been following his Twitter for a bit now, but I guess he just won something at the Video Movie Awards. His Twitter's pretty funny. He's Fuck Tyler on Twitter. But he's just this little young kid, but he has this rap. His Twitter's called Fuck Tyler?

Yeah. Okay. And he has this song. You don't type that right. It's gonna be a really weird site that's gonna pop up. I'm a big fan. I think you might like him. I'm a big fan. I think you might like him.

Check out his raps. What's really cool is he's not one of those guys that comes. Damn, he's got 545,000 followers? He's fucking brilliant. Really? I love this dude. I love this guy. Damn.

How do I not know about this guy? It's called horror rap is what he gets tagged as with. Horror? Horror. Horror. Like monsters? Horror. Yeah.

Well, no. Kind of like, I guess, scary rap. Like, I saw one of his videos where, like, everyone has guns in their hands and stuff, kind of like maybe like a new version of NWA, you know, kind of like Scarface. You remember when Scarface and Ghetto Boys, they were considered horror, kind of, like a gangster rap, I guess. Horror?

Scarface was considered a horror rap? Yeah, remember when the Ghetto Boys was out? They were kind of like you kind of believed that they were like a gang almost, you know, and there were fucking bullets in their eyes coming out of sockets and stuff. I think he tried to kill himself, didn't he? I don't remember. I thought he got shot in the eye or something. I don't know. I think he

didn't he? What happened? I don't know what happened to that guy. I'm just trying to think of the horror rap. But there's a sweet I think he killed him and tried to kill himself. I think he was high on Everclear and he shot himself in the face. There's a really cool video that you need to see

of Tyler, the creator. It's called Yonkers. We need to have the answers to that. Bushwick Bill shot himself? But you got Yonkers, Joe. See that guy that is... I don't want to be saying that

because I'm a fan. You know what sucks about liking people like Tyler, the creator, though? They have a live show in L.A., but I would be too scared to go there. I got beat up by it. I would be scared. Because I feel like... You can't hang around with black guys? Well, I believe that probably the majority of the people that like him are probably a little bit rougher than me.

They would see me and try to rape me or something. Rougher. I was at a Curtis Blow new edition UTFO concert in Detroit when I was 16, and we got beat up. Really? Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay, in 1991, Bushwick Bill, either in a suicidal funk or a drunken rage, or as a scheme to have his mother collect on his insurance policy,

he began goading his 17-year-old girlfriend into shooting him. Wow. Reports say he had threatened to harm the child they had together if she refused to go through with the deed. What actually transpired has never been divulged by either party involved, but either his or her hand. By either his or her hand. Bill caught a slug in his right eye. Whoa. Shoot me, we're going to make some money on an insurance policy.

Holy shit. Let's do a sex tape. Yeah, what was before that? Wow, but he already had a bunch of... Didn't they have hit songs already? But with that sex tape. Could he not do shows or something? Where was his money going?

He needed money that bad that he wanted to get shot for insurance money? I mean, they were famous back then. Yeah, you really didn't think that through. And by the way, I don't think... The first sex tape, I think, was that dude from Hogan's Heroes. Dude, I'll always be a Bushwick Bill fan. From that song, Fuck a War. You know that song?

Didn't we play that on the podcast once? Yeah. It's a great fucking jam. Bushwick Bill's Fuck a War. Just for that alone, that dude gets my respect forever. He can go shoot himself. Go ahead. Joe, did you ever have one of those coca-cola shirts in the 80s

that were popular the jersey coca-cola remember those jersey coca-cola shirts that were really popular i don't know what you're talking about do you know what i don't know jerseys did they sell that at chess king no no uh maybe holy cow they used to have these jerseys that just had like the stripe across it that said coca-cola and it was a stripe on the arms and a stripe in the front i don't know what you're talking about. Like hockey jersey or like basketball? No, not jersey, like sports jersey, kind of like polo shirts kind of. I remember there was a phase where people wore a lot of, yeah, like Coca-Cola just started making clothes that you would actually wear.

How did that become popular? What's that? Did someone knock on the door? Who's that? Did someone knock on the door? Is that Woody Woodpecker? Is that Joey? No.

No? You heard that that Joey? No. No? You heard that, right? Yeah. Maybe he's knocking on the front girl. Front girl? Door. He's fucking knocking up a girl.

Just ask if someone's knocking on the front door. Joey Diaz is on his way over here, ladies and gentlemen. Is it? Oh, he's out that window. No, he's outside the door. Hold on, folks. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did you know they're making a sequel to Knocked Up? That's not easier! Fuck! Hey, John Christ. Did you know they're making a sequel to Knocked Up? That's not, he's here.

Fuck. Hey, John, did you know that they're making a sequel to Knocked Up? No, I didn't. Sorry about that, guys. We were trying to figure out where you were knocking. Oh, I had to play burglar. I had to jump the fence. Joey Diaz has now just walked into the building.

Listen, we're high as fuck, and we had headphones on. We had no idea where that noise was coming from. You were knocking on the door. We were looking around. I didn't want to call. It was a waste of time. Listen, what's happening and we had headphones on. We had no idea where that noise was coming from. You were knocking on the door. We were looking around. I didn't want to call. It was a waste of time. Listen, what's happening? Hey, hold on.

John Heffron, what's happening? Not this year. So just to cover what we're talking about, Brian was hypnotizing us with some story about jerseys where you wore Coca-Cola jerseys. Do you remember the Coca-Cola shirts in the 80s that were really popular that was kind of like a polo shirt? The red shirt? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember the red shirt. You guys remember. We have no idea. They have no idea what I'm talking about. We're baffled. I don't know about the hypnotized. I was never hypnotized by it. No.

I know the shirt you're talking about. The red Coca-Cola. No, we were hypnotized by his story because it was so ridiculous. I was like, what are you talking about? And they thought it was crazy. I'm so glad you walked in. I'm glad you're here to defend him.

Otherwise, we were going to attack. We were just mounting up our attack right now. This motherfucker. What's up? Joe Diaz in the fucking house, bitches. Bro, just went to fucking Malibu and got hit in the fucking leg. What happened? By a rock.

Those eight-foot waves were bringing in fucking rocks, though. Oh, yeah. That thing knocked me over. I mean, my foot was on the rock, and a rock squished my fucking fungi toe. My foot was on the rock, and the rock squished my fucking fungi toe. My uncle lives on the Jersey Shore, and he made a video of waves fucking up the Jersey Shore. Like how bad Irene crushed everything. Holy fuck.

It's nuts, man. Newark is really bad. Middle New Jersey is fucking bad, man. It's crazy. Vermont got fucked up. Vermont. You know what the really crazy thing was? Looking at the satellite image of how big the hurricane was.

When they talked about it was going to take two days to reach Vermont from Florida or North Carolina, I remember looking at the picture. I'm like, that's the scale? That's a country. That's a country of a storm flying overhead. It looked like bigger than most European countries, like bigger than Germany or something like that, you know? Like, what's a small European country?

It was way bigger than that. It was huge! Some of those countries in Europe are very small and very close to each other. You know, these fucking... This hurricane was bigger than a couple of countries. It's fucking nuts, man. And it ain't over. I think we'll get one this year that'll do some damage.

At least one. Is that the biggest one of all time? No. On that side of the country? Yeah. What's the biggest one of all time? Gloria? Because I remember when I was a kid, Hurricane Gloria hit.

I don't remember. Katrina wouldn't be the biggest? Well, it was one of the most devastating, but that was also because where it hit. It hit New Orleans, which is really crazy that no big one's ever hit New Orleans before. It's right on the fucking Gulf Coast right there. They just got lucky. It's like, you talk about, like, living anywhere tornadoes hit is just, like, totally like playing craps. One day, the sky becomes an angry monster and destroys an entire town.

You see those pictures they had in Tuscaloosa, Alabama? Un-fucking-believable. The whole place is gone. Gone. Gone. That's Joplin, Missouri? Yeah. Yeah, they always get fucking whacked. They get whacked hard, bro. They get whacked hard. Crazy. Crazy, man, that people choose to stay in places like that.

I mean, I guess they can't economically. Yeah. I mean, there's an earthquake in the East Coast. We're not safe anywhere. We're either in Tornado Alley, Earthquake Alley, or fucking Hurricane Alley. That's it. It's true. You know, I was at Malibu the other day.

I'm looking at these waves, and I'm looking at the intensity, and for one second I thought about, what if there is a fucking tsunami at Malibu? What if? I was sitting there going, what if? A little fucking earthquake. That's a wild ocean out there the ocean is just wild it's the blood of the earth

you know it's 60% of whatever the fucking coverage is and it baffles the fuck out of me since I was a kid so I don't fuck with it I know it's got power I almost drowned in Coney Island I almost drowned as a kid in Coney Island and I was out there up to your waist playing

with a ball and all of a, you know, up to your waist, playing with a ball. And all of a sudden, you know, something just sucks you. And you don't know what it is. It's so scary. And next thing you know, you're in a fucking toe. And you know what, man? What do they call them? Not a mistletoe, but undertow.

Yeah, undertow. Or a riptide. No, undertow. Yeah, a riptide or undertow. Both of them the same. I don't mind pools and shit. I know people piss in them and shit. But the fucking ocean's a different animal.

You know, I didn't even know. Look, I got clocked by a fucking rock. That's a creepy feeling, too, when you feel the undertow or the riptide, whatever the fuck it is, pulling you back. Yeah, we used to go to North Carolina. That is the ocean trying to pull you into it. Remember when you'd look back and see your mom and she'd get farther and farther? And finally you're like, get the fuck in. And you're like, it's up to my waist.

And it's sucking you in. And all of a sudden you just go from 5 feet to 15 feet and now you're caught in that fucking, it's a very It's scary because you're supposed to actually when you're being pulled, swim, don't fight it. You know, Greg Fitzsimmons saved somebody. Some girl, he was on vacation

and Greg Fitzsimmons is not like the most fit guy. He's a small dude. And he said some girl got pulled away by the tide and she started screaming. And he realized she couldn't swim very well. And he went, oh fuck. And he said some girl got pulled away by the tide and she started screaming. And he realized she couldn't swim very well. And he went, oh, fuck. And he had a moment to decide what to do and he jumped in. And when he was there with

his family, you gotta be careful about that, man. Because you know what happens? People drown you. If you don't really know how to rescue someone and grab a hold of them, they panic and they drag you under. That's fucking dangerous as shit, man. Rescuing someone is very hard to do. You gotta really know what the fuck you're doing. That's right. The first time

I moved to California, I went wakeboarding. We went out on the thing. And a huge wave, but I missed it. I didn't know to go under. I didn't know to shoot the board under and pop up. So I rode. So it took me nine feet in there and threw me backwards and then pinned me. and ever since then

I haven't done it again. Like I'm too afraid to like because I just got my ass kicked so bad that one particular time. I'm like, nah, I'm gonna.

And you're from the land of the rivers up there, Michigan. Yeah, well it's a little bit easier. Oh, a couple fucking mosquitoes. That's the worst thing you run into. You got a pontoon boat.

Yeah, somebody. You know, that's a different fucking animal. Those mosquitoes on the lake are brutal. They're pretty bad. They're brutal. They'll pick you the fuck up now. They'll pick you the fuck up somebody you know that's a different fucking animal those mosquitoes on the lake oh they're pretty bad they're brutal don't pick you the fuck up now don't pick you the fuck up and put you somewhere else they got those blank you fuck yeah just rub bacon anytime you're near water on

the east coast i used to there was a uh the charles river was near my house on the east coast and i went into the bushes one time with this chick and we were fucking around and we had our pants down we had to stop because we were getting bit so bad it's like our legs were just covered with welts the mosquitoes just swarmed on you they smelled all that pink 17 year old flesh they just dove on us and started fucking us up it was brutal i remember the next day all my legs covered in little tiny scabs you just got attacked by swarms I still remember some of the worst nights when that one mosquito would get into your bedroom and your dad didn't put on the air, so

it was probably you're sleeping in 85 degree weather and you just hear the one fucking mosquito. Just that one and you can't get it. It's the worst. It's brutal. I rented a house once and nobody had lived in the house for a couple of years and they had left all the water in the pool.

So I got there, and the pool was fucking green, man. I mean, green like pea soup. And I looked in it, and I see, like, these schools. And I go, what the fuck is that? And there's these schools of these little tiny bugs swimming. I'm talking hundreds of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of these tiny 20 but the guy goes oh shit i go what he goes those are mosquito larvae i go what what we had a problem i go we you so when

is this gonna hatch he goes this could hatch any day now i'm like holy shit so this has just been providing mosquitoes to the entire community for years this big pool of mosquitoes man so this guy had to pump gallons and gallons and gallons of poison in there it took like two weeks to clean that fucking thing out he had to pump the filter and pump all the chlorine and gallons and gallons of chlorine then drain all the water out because it was too poisonous and put new water in it because Because you couldn't just drain it. You have all these fucking bugs floating around in the water.

I'm talking literally hundreds of pounds of mosquitoes. It was crazy. You know what's crazy? We're not all fucking as old as I am, but what if I have to off? That shit don't work no more. Somebody told me about six years ago.

I went somewhere and they were like, off don't work no more, bro. Those are for 80s mosquitoes. They even it like in the back they even got like in the back of rouse now they don't even push off there hasn't been an all fucking come remember when we were kids you could light the thing i know you did you light the thing and then you can hang out in the citronella candle yeah no the one made by off that was a wave it was a circle so when it burned at the end you knew you had to go in. That's when you had to go in.

Now, those mosquitoes, that's like nothing. They're like, fucking Off. You're going to put Off on you? They don't even advertise it no more. Think about it. We'll have no Off. Done. These mosquitoes don't even respect Off no more.

It's like, Off, that's old school, bitch. How ridiculous is Off? My grandpa used to do it. Yeah, Off. Don't go out until you got the off on. It smells like dick. Nobody uses off no more. It's still there because I checked.

It's just people know that shit don't work. Well, even if it does work, it's probably poisonous. You're pouring something on your body that makes you unattractive to mosquitoes. We used to spray fucking mosquitoes. Okay, it's probably not good for you. Yeah, they didn't say that. Your skin is the biggest organ on your body. When you're spraying stuff, says the man with tattoos all over his skin. Probably not good for you. Yeah. They didn't say that. Your skin is the biggest organ on your body.

When you're spraying stuff, says the man with tattoos all over his skin. What the fuck am I talking about? I got ink in my skin. But spraying anything on your skin, like even sunscreen, it's going to be absorbed. Those chemicals are going to be absorbed by your body. Kids used to run behind the – there used to be a truck. That was a little bit older than me. The truck would drive down the street with just poison, shoot it into the air to kill all the... Oh, yeah.

And I guess, like, maybe our grandparents, but the kids used to follow it like an ice cream truck and just run down the street behind that fumigator. Dude, there's some guys in my neighborhood, I don't know what the deal is, what they're killing, but they were walking around the other day with fucking masks on their face

with these white suits on, and they had these little plastic spray jugs, and they were spraying this shit on the side of the road. I'm like, what the fuck could you be spraying in the road that I want you to spray in the road while you're wearing a gas mask? You know, do you have just an excess amount of this shit and need to kill weeds? What, is somebody getting hay fever? You know, come on, man. I mean, you want to hire somebody to cut it down, then you're making new jobs. But spraying poison on the side of the road, is that really necessary?

Who the fuck says okay to that? Isn't there laws against that shit? I don't know. What are they doing? You wouldn't be bugged, though. I don't think they do it much anymore. They have to still do it, though. They must still do it.

Well, I saw them do it, but, I mean, what are they doing? What are they spraying? Are they spraying for weeds? No, I think it's mosquitoes. No. Something. On the side of the road? I read about it.

Right on the side of the road. I think that's weeds, bro. Yeah, it used to go in the middle of the night. It used to just, like, thing, right? I don't know. I'd say weeds over bugs. This is too big of an area. I think it's weeds.

I don't think it's bugs. Yeah, there's no way. They don't really kill that many bugs, because the problem with killing bugs is there's some crazy ecosystem out there, man. There's a whole sort of a cycle to it. And if you squash one thing like mosquitoes or bugs, you might fuck up some other part of the ecosystem along with it and might kill birds. Did you see the guy? There's a guy who made an entire ecosystem in his house and that's how he keeps spiders and flies away. Have you seen it?

No. I don't know the exact number he has hundreds of different bug species that eat each other and he has perimeters in his house it's an entire so he leaves the flies but then the spiders come and make the thing but then these eat the spiders it's i saw it on his thing he has an entire that's his bug system and they don't and he has perimeter set up and they don't leave the perimeter. So by the time you're in his house, nothing. Well, look, man, if you look at animals that eat other animals.

But he's got it all figured out. It's how it's supposed to be set up. I guess if you paid attention to it and you find out what the prey is and what things eat and what eats them. He had frogs and everything. That's fascinating, man. I wonder how much effort he has to put into keeping that going.

Oh, no, it was crazy. It was like the whole, like, something you'd see at a zoo. Like, that's his life's work. That's like the hip bone connected to the joint bone. That's like there's something always fucking doing, you know? Somebody's always eating somebody. Yeah, that's why I don't have piranhas anymore. I had the piranhas were a pain in the ass, man.

First of all, you had to clean that tank every couple of days because they eat messy. It's exciting when they eat, but they eat messy. But they're only exciting when they're eating. When they're eating, it's crazy to watch them. I would feed them goldfish, and they would go on a rampage. It was incredible to watch, man. What does it suck as a goldfish? You think you're going to some little kid who's going to name you, and you're going to fly around.

Not only that, I would get them in a bag. Suddenly, you're like, what? I would get them in a bag. Fuck goldfish. They traumatized me as a kid. I used to fish for goldfish. And the goldfish in New York are the weirdest thing because you get them out of the Hudson River, which is murky. You put them into clean water and they die.

What the fuck? You've been living in that shit water for 10 years. I bring you home. I give you love and warmth. There's goldfish in the Hudson? In the Central Park. When I was a kid in Central Park. How'd you catch them?

Just a little fucking thing or a net. Oh, they were probably carp. Yeah, you had like the little paddle boats in Central Park. Oh, yeah, no, they were goldfish. Are they goldfish or carp? Yeah, they're big goldfish. They're big goldfish? You don't want to catch nothing out of that fucking Hudson, bro.

I seen a friend of mine eat an eel's heart one time out of the Hudson. What? That motherfucker glowed in the dark for years. You know what I'm saying? When I was a kid, it was funny because Puerto Ricans lived in the Bronx and Brooklyn. It's so weird how the nationality thing goes.

But Puerto Ricans' big weekend out in the old days was to go to Jersey. If you watch Copland, you catch the black people under the bridge and Salone's giving them a ticket and they're like, that's the last time we'll come over to Jersey. Because that was a big thing. As bad as people put Jersey, it's got a little couple sightseeing things.

Especially like some people rent a car to go to Jersey on the weekends. How fucking crazy is that? That's hilarious. But Puerto Ricans would drive over the bridge, go under the Hudson in that disgusting murky water. They would undig up a fucking barbecue pit that had been there since 1920.

And it was business as usual. You know, they'd pull up with a car. And Puerto Ricans are famous. You know, they'd come out of the car, tend to a car. That's no hacking thing. It's the shit that was in the car. The grill, the couch, the 12-piece fucking Mambo fucking band. I mean, they're amazing.

And you go under the Hudson Bridge and hear these people on this disgusting water. And it's life is they're just making the best of what they had. They came from the fucking Bronx in the 70s, which had nothing. You know? They just dug the Bronx River out. Did you read what they found in there? No. Buildings.

What? Like, people were throwing buildings and cars in there. Buildings? Yeah, like that. You know, the Hudson, all that shit is so, they have destroyed that, the pollution levels. I watched a show the other day about plastic. Right. I did not know.

Do you think it's inevitable that if you get 7 million people living on an island like Manhattan that you have to just pollute? What are you going to do? We're going to know what plastic is. Just look at any random stall at a public restroom. That's only 10 people going and not giving a shit. Yeah. You know, it's like, you're animals. Like, no one knows. I think guys

just get in a public sauna and go, I'm just going to piss all over the place. What the fuck is wrong with people, man? Did you see Naples last week? Did you see Bourdain? Yes, I've seen that one. Beautiful city. How about the garbage? Yeah. How about the garbage? They don't pick up garbage. Yeah. Crazy. Imagine living your life with garbage. You know what that fucking smells like after a week?

A week in this fucking weather? I told this story last week about going to Harlem to play One Pocket. My friend Johnny B. and Mount Vernon Tommy and this dude Juan, we all went to Harlem to play some pimps. The pimps would be gambling, playing pool. They would spend a lot of money.

The word got out. It was like 125th Street in Harlem. Maybe even higher than that. We got there and there was apparently some garbage strike, and the garbage was seven feet to eight feet high for a whole block. I mean a whole block, dude. It was nuts. People would just step outside and throw their garbage on a pile, and there was rats everywhere.

Everywhere. Everywhere. It's incredible because there's bags of food. There's bags of things that rats can eat. I'm talking literally a block of eight-foot-high piles of garbage. It was horrifying, man. My friends worked for Hunt Chemical, and they went to India. They all got transferred to India in the early 90s.

And they came back, and they were telling me stories about how they don't kill rats there. So when you pull up at night with your car, you know how you see a raccoon or a fucking cat? It'd just be rats in your garbage. You have to sit there for 10 minutes and let them run out of the fucking garbage before you get out of the car. I can't deal with that guy. Did you see the rat they found in the Bronx?

Yes. I know you've seen that. I saw that. Tell them how big the fucking rat were. And how many were there? Enormous. They said there's a lot of them. The guy looked in and goes, he thought it was kids in there.

He thought it was like kids. They were fucking. He put them out. They were like a cat guy looked in and goes, he thought it was kids in there. He thought it was like kids. They were fucking. He put them out. They were like a cat. The back legs. You know how a cat picks his legs up? Yeah. He had it like this.

Like three feet. How big were they? It was the biggest rat I have ever seen in my life. It was fucking enormous. Its body looked like it was almost two feet long. Yeah, yeah. Its body was clearly more than a foot long. Its body easily could have been a foot and a half, maybe even two feet long.

It was a big rat. And this guy said there's a lot of them there. He said there was a lot of them in that hole. You know, it's so weird. I grew up on ADHD for a while when I came from Cuba. And we would kill rats. You know, you chase a rat, hit him with a stick, light him on fire, throw rocks at him, the whole fuck. You make sure that motherfucker's dead.

Then I used to spend my summers on the 148th Street. My godmother had three buildings so I could walk underneath. I seen a rat under there one time that his eyes were so fucking big. His eyes were so fucking big that I was like, you know where I've seen a big rat to? At the La Jolla Comedy Store fucking condo. I seen a rat in that motherfucker. I packed my bags and got back on that five, bitch.

Really? Oh, yeah. I seen a big rat there. I think they live in the ocean that I packed my bags and got back on that five bitch. Really? Oh yeah. I seen a big rat there. I think they live in the ocean. Goddamn, they live in the ocean? Listen, I can't deal with that. Rats are so fucking durable. They can compress their body and get through really small holes too. Like a big rat can smush

his body and get through a fairly small fucking hole. It's really kind of crazy to watch. Rats are fucking crazy. Do you think guys back in the day, like 400, 500 years ago, were afraid of rats or they just looked at it as food? We're lucky that we don't have to deal with the rats.

I don't think they were afraid. If you go back to Neanderthal days, they didn't give a fuck about a rat. Anything small. I live up in the hills too and I have a privacy fence and you'll see them just running. My dogs will try to... I'll jump every time I see one. I'm like, when do you get over that?

I had to bring in exterminators. I used to have them in my attic. You would hear them. It was literally like two dogs fighting up there. They would screech and squawk at each other sometimes because they would be mating. So I'd hear... I would hear rats scream. Fuck yeah, in my house So I'd hear... I would hear rats

scream. Fuck yeah, in my house. I'd hear it in my attic. I had to hire a guy to come in and kill them all. He said it was nuts. They weren't that big. They were regular size. But, you know, they're fucking running in your ceiling. Running and slamming into things and fighting over pussy.

They were screaming and fighting over pussy. Isn't that weird? I don't know if you were there. A friend of mine told me once how they would do arson in the old days. They would get a cage and put mice in them and pour gasoline on the mice and light the mice on fire and pull the thing. And the mice run into the walls and dig. That's the way the Jews light your house on fire. Them Jews would do that fucking insurance scam

and the rats would go into the walls and burn the wall. That's the way that you do old school Jewish lightning. That is fucking brilliant. That's how you do it. That's all I'm thinking now. Old school Jewish lightning. That's old school Jewish lightning.

As long as you had enough rats, right? That means the fucking place is going down because while they're searing, they're still going in your walls, dying. So they're starting more fucking things in your walls. Would gasoline be enough? You'd have to really dip them in there. You'd have to dip them in there. This is the old days when everybody was in on it.

The fucking insurance people came. Look at Bushwick Bill got shot in the fucking head. Did he? You didn't hear about this? No. We were here earlier. Bushwick Bill, we were reading about an old story. It's an old story.

It happened in like 99. He told his girlfriend to shoot him in the head because he wanted to get the insurance money. And they don't know who did it, whether he shot himself in the head or she shot him in the head, but he got shot in the eye. So is he alive? Yeah, he's alive. Because somebody's seen him in Houston years ago. John Wesley.

I've seen Bushwood fucking Bill. We just figured it out. I think he's on the cover of one of his fucking, we can't beped, I think, the Ghetto Boys, with the patch over his eye, where it shows his eye all fucked up where he shot himself. Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah.

It's on one of the albums where he's coming out in a gurney. How fucked up would that be to shoot yourself? When you're high on Everclear, apparently, you do a lot of crazy things. Everclear is like some super powerful alcohol. First time I got pulled over, I was on seven shots of Everclear. What? And the cop, I was 16. Oh, my God.

I used to hang out. I used to work at this movie theater with all these guys that were like 18 or 19. And I would go to this military base and buy Everclear. And so they thought it was cool because they were the ones that first introduced me to weed and everything. The military? No, no. These guys that hang out with these older guys. And so they thought it would be funny to get me fucked up on it by giving me shots.

And I wanted to act like, oh, yeah, I'm cool. I could do shots of this, not knowing what Everclear was. I just heard it was like a strong alcohol. What is the percentage of alcohol in Everclear? I wanted to say it was 120. Let me put you this way. You had seven of them. Proof.

And then they let you drive. Well, no, they thought I was crashing there, but I lied to them. If you know Brian, he got in that fucking car. I'm not drunk, bitch. I ain't drunk, motherfucker. I had seven shots. Yeah, he'll argue with you when he's drunk.

This is all alleged, by the way. The coolest thing was, though, is that I got pulled over right down the street. Like, literally, like, two blocks I got pulled over. And the cop goes, dude, you're wasted. All right, here's the deal. See this UDF, which is like a gas station? He's like, you park your car in there.

You sit there. He's like, I want you to go inside, buy a cup of coffee. I'm coming back in four hours. If you're not here, I'm giving you a fucking DUI. I know where you live and everything like that. What a good cop. Yeah, yeah. Sort of. Really, I'm giving you a fucking DUI. I know where you're going and everything like that. What a good cop. Sort of. Really, you should go to jail, you fuck.

He even gets better. He's like, go in there and get a coffee. And I'm like, actually, I have no money. And he goes, he gave me money to buy a cup of coffee. Wow. That's a strong cop. There's good cops out there, man. Everclear in Boulder, Colorado. There's a Mexican restaurant. I don't know if it's still there it's papusas no it's in on Melrose Melrose on whatever the main if you're in Boulder go to papusas tremendous but the secret of this place

was that margaritas were made with Everclear instead of Quantra wow so you were only allowed three and then they asked you to leave and I I see tough guys going there, fuck that. I ate Quaaludes. Three of those and you just be like this, bro. I think El Coyote does that. Are they allowed to do that? Yeah, I think El Coyote does that in Los Angeles. Three limit.

Three margarita limit, bitch. And for lunch they had a one margarita limit. You could have two little ones. They had little ones for a dollar, like little champagne wedding things. El Coyote does that? They don't tell you what's in it. They win all the margarita contests.

They're like almost every year. And they won't tell you what the secret ingredient is. But every time I go there, if you just get the one on the rocks, I'll get two. And I feel like I just fucking did ecstasy sometimes. Yeah, we need to film this. We need to film us going to El Coyote and having some margaritas. Let's do that, boys. You know what's crazy, though?

I'll drive. You know what the craziest thing is? I'll drive. You know what the craziest thing is? I'll drive. We're going to hire someone to drive. Yeah, we'll get a little car. One of the craziest things is that tequila, it depends on what mood you're in. If you drink enough tequila, bro, it becomes something different. Yes.

It becomes a different animal than vodka or tequila is a kind of tricky motherfucker. I don't know if you motherfuckers ever ate the worm. I made a mistake once in it. But salt and ate a worm. Tequila makes me, I think, yeah. There's a difference between tequila drunk. It sounds ridiculous. Yes, it does, but it's true.

Tequila drunk and whiskey drunk. Whiskey drunk is more like fucking aggressive. Tequila drunk is more like we got to find the vampires. Oh, I'm angry. There's a pyramid here. Really? I don't get angry on tequila, man, but Jack Daniels is questionable. Yeah, Jack Daniels always.

I'm a happy drunk. I mean, you've never seen me angry as a drunk. You've never seen me angry? I think a lot of that you go into. So if you think I'm an angry drunk. Tequila's dangerous. And then you start drinking it. But some people I think it gives you a weird reaction.

I black out. I'm not an angry drunk, drunk though and i don't believe in that shit entirely i feel like if you're an angry person and you get drunk then you become an angry drunk if you have some fucking unresolved issues then you become an angry drunk because most of the people i'm not even really saying angry i guess just crazy like tequila makes you to fucking like rob a car you're a silly drunk you become silly when you're drunk because you're a silly person and it's like for you It's you just your inhibitions loosen up and you become more so like like that podcast that we did with Bert you were fucking Hammered and you were really funny and one of the reasons why you're really funny is because you were you were giggly and silly because you Went in to lose your inhibitions mode right now that was tequila, I would have had sex with Bert.

Now, you would have drank your piss. Is there any booze that makes you guys crazier? Let's say I drink a beer and I did blow. I would go home and just want to fuck. But when you do tequila and do blow, you get all creepy. Really? You want to put a cape on and you start looking at a chick thinking about, maybe

she could do a somersault and land on my face. You just get kinky. It's got spirits in it. Tequila's got spirits in it. Something. I get fucking creepy on tequila, bro. Really? Well, it's made out of a plant, you know.

There's an essence of something in there. You suck your pussy and rub your toes and shit. Really? Yeah, I get creepy. I found it would blow you. It would blow to the thing. Tequila gets, it becomes a different savage. It's such a fine dance, though, of having too much tequila where your dick don't work.

It's like this is fucking, you got to get just enough so that you're crazy, but you have enough food in you and you've taken your vitamins so your dick still works. Because if you're unhealthy and you get drunk off tequila, good luck with your dick. Good luck. You just put yourself in a great position. You're ready for wild, crazy times. Everyone's game. Oh, but look at your dick.

Oh, so sad. Have you ever had dead dick from booze, guys? Fuck yeah. Just from booze. Red back. From booze, you've had dead dick. You haven't? No.

No, but you throw that fucking powder in the old days. Your dick not only goes dead, it shrinks into the nutsack. That is amazing. When you want to fuck, but there ain't nothing there. There ain't nothing there. It's deep, deep, deep in the nutsack, and they got to keep sucking. And they got a nice dick, but they got to hold your dick like this. It starts off like this.

They got to hold it and fucking massage it. The bottom of it. Yeah, and then it gets bigger and bigger, and then you think about doing a line that goes back in the cocoon. It's a fucking nightmare doing that shit. You want to eat that, but then you're like, okay, I'll just eat your pussy. Like, you just fucking, all the thoughts I had in my mind, fuck it, I'll just eat your fucking pussy. The most embarrassing ones that I've ever had

was when I was drunk and I stuttered to fuck, and then as I was fucking, the alcohol really kicked in, and then I completely lost my boner. So I lost it while I was already having sex. So it's like, for the girl, it's like a terrible feeling. I remember I just puked once. For a dude to have a hard dick, put it inside you, and then you don't even keep him interested enough to keep the heart on. And then it was just pathetic.

I threw up. I was like, you're trying not to act like you were. And then I reached down by her almost like you were going to whisper. and then I reached down by her almost like you were going to whisper and I turned my head and threw up and tried to do it like a barf bag where I kind of kept that contained in my back and she was like,

did you just throw up on my comforter? Yeah, you tried to. You ever have a chick throw up and you don't give a fuck, you're still going to get stabbed. Fuck that, look the other way, I'm still going to give you a stabbing. It starts getting sour

And you don't give a fuck And that smells And you're just like Trying to kiss her And you're like Oh is that fucking celery What the fuck And they even say to me

Kiss me I'll kiss you Fuck you Let me shoot this Fucking load In that dead snatch And I'm getting My alcoholic ass

Out of here And kiss you You dirty fuck Cause once you're Horned up You're horned up That's what happens With fucking date rape Once you're horned up, you're horned up. That's what happens with fucking date rape.

Once you're horned up and this bitch which we don't condone. No, we don't condone it but that's what happens. That's the explanation of the date. You just gotta catch yourself.

The worst is when some chick pukes in your car like on your speaker grill. And you wanna beat the fuck out of them instead of fuck them. That's the worst. Your car smells like puke

for like a month. I was in my car with a toothpick picking out each little hole in my speaker grill just pulling out like puke for like a month. I was in my car with a toothpick picking out each little hole in my speaker grill, just pulling out red puke. Yeah, well, listen, man. I had a girl puke in my car back in the fucking 80s, and they didn't have good cleaners. You couldn't clean the car. They didn't have all that good stuff back then.

You basically went and used that shitty-ass vacuum that would always catch on the carpet and go. Remember, it would catch on the carpet and go remember it would catch on the carpet and you had to pull that fucking carpet off I'd go to the car wash and try to do the entire car with 25 cents it was like the fastest I've ever moved in my entire life you would have to go to one of those full service car washes and get them to shampoo your shit

but you don't want to do that because those monkeys while they're shampooing your shit they get fucking suds in your wiring and then your fucking car shorts out. You know, I didn't want to do that. I knew those dudes. I worked at a car wash. So when I thought about getting my car washed, I'm like, I'm not going to bring it to these fucking guys.

These guys are going to, they let me drive a Porsche, okay? I didn't even know how to drive a stick. I had zero stick knowledge. And I got in a fucking Porsche. That's how, the first car I ever drove stick was a Porsche Porsche at a fucking at a car wash. I don't even know what I was doing. The guy told me. Yeah, he told me. I go, how do I drive it? He goes, just push the clutch in,

put it in gear, and then slowly let your foot off the gas. So I come out of this car wash, this 16-year-old snot-faced kid driving a Porsche. And the guy said, why did you drive it if you didn't know how to do it? I'm like, why'd they let me drive it? I didn't have anything to say to him.

I was like, I'm sorry. They told me to drive it. The guy told me I would know how to drive it. Stick the thing in gear and it'd be no problem. They didn't give a fuck. I got busted last week washing my car on Coinga and Burbank Boulevard. Brian. Yeah?

There's a little car wash stand. I usually go in there and just hit it. But I had a fucking pee, dog. I just had to pee. So while I was washing the car, nobody was watching. You know me, bro. I'll pee at a phone booth. If I got to really pee, I'll pull over and make believe.

Now, nobody has phone booths no more. But in the old days, I make believe I'm on the phone. Take my dick out. Even if traffic is driving by, they don't think you're pissing. I'm pissing on the fucking thing. You just can't do it in the winter because steam comes out. They'll bust you in the fucking winter. So the other day I'm washing my car, and it's 9.15 in the morning.

I got a pee bad, and I said, fuck, I'm going to take my dick out right here. And I took my dick out. I'm holding it. I'm washing the car. And I just went into this fucking thought. And next thing you know, I look over, and the owner of the thing was right there. He's like, are you fucking serious? I go, dog, I had a fucking pee.

And it's going into a toilet. He goes, do me a favor. Put the hose down and get the fuck out of here. He drew me the fuck out of here. He goes, I'll call the fucking police. I don't know what he's going to do. I watched a guy. I didn't say anything to him.

A guy who comes to my house. And he's actually, it's called a poop butler. Because I travel. He picks up poop, basically. From your dog? From my two dogs. Okay. You got to clarify that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I shit all over my dog. It's a service. Are you serious? From my two dogs. Okay. You gotta clarify that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I shit all over my dog. It's a service. Are you serious? Yeah, it's a service. It's the best thing that I could ever do, or I'd have five days of shit to pick up. So it's something I... So he was peeing in like a big gulp thing, and I'm like,

is that guy peeing? And he's a little creepy because I think he's always staring in to try to see my wife walk around or something. Who wouldn't? But I look and I see him. Now he's got a big gulp thing that he just pissed in front of my house. So I'm watching him because he doesn't know I'm waiting for him to move so I can pull in. I'm like, where's he going to throw that? If he throws that into my bushes, I'm going to be pissed.

He walks to my neighbors and just acts like he takes the big gulp, throws his piss onto my neighbor's yard, and then leaves. Did he yell about it? So now I'm like, well, it's such a good service, and there's no other competition. So if I call and say, hey, tell him not to throw piss on my neighbor's yard, then what happens? Then I've got to pick up poop. So it was a weird sacrifice. Well, is this a company where this is the guy that owns the company, or is this an employee? Hold on, hold on.

The pee thing is just one thing. Looking at your wife, you just glossed over. Yeah. Why don't you tell us a little bit more? What is the reason for that? Well, because if you stare at and he comes early in the morning, you can get a glimpse at 9 a.m. of maybe her popping up. Like on the right side?

Why are you saying that? Did he do that? She gets that feeling that he is, but we've never actually caught. She's like, I think he stares. I think he, you know, my wife doesn't sound like that when she talks. Why does she think he stares? No evidence? Just a guess?

She'll think and then she'll see him walk by. So she's like, was he just staring? We don't know. We should maybe just videotape at once to set up a camera and see if he hangs out or if he pisses in my backyard. Dude, my whole house has cameras. I am alerted whenever somebody enters each one of my rooms on my iPhone. I had somebody set it up.

A thousand crazy bitches, bro. You gotta keep your shit locked out. Black wizards attacking me. Be careful. Black wizards? The guy who robbed him had a fake beard on like a wizard. And he had a hood on. He looked like a black wizard.

He did. He fucking made magic. on, like a wizard. And he had a hood on. He looked like a black wizard. He did. He fucking made magic. He made your money disappear. I'm going to have my flashback when I'm at JCPenney's and I see a black Santa Claus at the mall or something. When was the last time you've ever seen a black Santa Claus at the mall, Brian? I've seen black Santa Clauses. You've never seen black Santa Claus? Never.

You've never seen a black Santa Claus? I mean, I've seen one on TV. Oh, no. In real life, though? In Ohio, there was black Santa Clauses. Really? There was a Northland mall, which is mostly black, so I think that one on TV Oh no In real life though In Ohio there was Black Santa Claus There was a Northland mall Which is mostly blacks I think that's why

Oh That's gotta suck For being a black kid I told you that When we went to Planet of the Apes In an all black movie theater In Philly

I really started to think About what it must be like To have every fucking movie That they were previewing Was all these white people White people White people White people

White white white Everything's a white problem White movie White white silliness. I'm like, wow. This is going to be fucking weird as shit, man. The only superhero they got was Blade. That was a bad motherfucker for a couple years. He really was.

That movie's bad to the bone. Every movie would be, there's a lot of black comics who dress up like chicks. Like, that's the one. I don't get why that's the one. I don't get, like, why that's so funny. Yeah, you know, didn't Dave Chappelle talk about that? Yeah, Dave Chappelle had, like, he was on, like, one of those shows,

like, Inside the Actor's Studio. He was like, what is it that when a black man becomes really famous, they want to make him dress as a woman? And they showed all these pictures of Richard Pryor doing it and all these different comics doing it all throughout history. Martin Lawrence doing it. Jamie Foxx doing it. Wow, yeah, that is weird.

Why do all these... What is that? Wasn't Flip Wilson the first guy? Yes, Flip Wilson. What the fuck is that about? I've never liked it no matter what culture it is. To me, it's gotta be like the ultimate, like

a black man trying to be as like unaggressive towards women as possible. What's the most unaggressive thing you could be? It's be a woman. Dress up like a woman. Oh girl, what you talking about? Like that's not a guy trying to get some pussy.

It's like the complete polar opposite of what white people are afraid of in a black guy. What white people are afraid of in a black guy is a fucking big muscular black man with a giant black dick. Some big football player, NFL stud athlete that wants to fuck your woman.

So what is the polar opposite of that? Well, it's a black man being all silly in a dress, dressing like a woman. Well, he's not even trying to get any pussy. Look at him. He's got lipstick on and makeup and shit. He makes me relax. He's like, what did you say, girl?

Oh, you get out of here with that. That's not a black guy trying to get laid at all. That's pretty good. I think that's what it is. I think that's what it is. I'm excited. I think it's white people afraid of black dicks, so it forces these black people to try to... I can't watch porn. Free of a black planet, bitches. That's what it is. I'm excited. I think it's white people afraid of black dicks. So it forces these black people to try to like... I can't watch porn.

Free of a black planet, bitches. That's right. I can't watch porn if it's a black dick. Really? Why? I just can't. What's wrong with you? Because he doesn't have a black dick and started to fantasize.

Somebody said I can't get into the fantasy. It's nothing about me being racist. I think it's gay if you watch a black guy fuck a white chick if you're a white guy. Why? Because now you can't even pretend that's you. Yeah. See, if you're a white guy. Why? Because now you can't even pretend that's you. Yeah. See, if you're a white guy, you could pretend that's your dick. See, I like –

You could beat off and watch a girl give head and pretend that she's giving you head. I can't pretend shit, man. I can't. I know I'm looking at a laptop. What I like to see, though, is like a fucking black chick like really pounding – A black chick or a dude? A black dude really pounding a little white chick. I think that's awesome.

You like that? Because you know it's not fake. Because secretly that's what you that's awesome You like that Because you know It's not fake Because secretly That's what you want No no Because you know It's not fake Deep down you want that power

You want that dominance You just want to see A real fucking Hard fucking You don't want to see Making love Okay Brian I was just trying

To make a joke dude I don't really believe That there's something gay About watching black dicks I was trying to go On a little comedy rant There fella But if you want to go on

With your little freak shit and talk about how you like watching a girl get fucked in a way that you're not capable of, that's what really turns you on. You go for it, buddy.

I'm just trying to take... I do like blowjob videos. What the fuck is that about? I like getting head. I like getting my dick sucked. You like the whole thing and looking... Listen, I don't like...

Some girls are good at sucking dicks and it's awesome. I like to see a woman snatch for a little while, but I really like the art of seeing a chick suck a dick yeah i'm gonna be honest why is that shocking let me explain some to you i yeah you print attendance your dick that's why you don't want to watch black ones i was in county jail and i've never looked at a black cock nor do i want to see

one when i popped on that king kardashian tape and and I seen little RJ's fucking dick and it didn't stop, I turned that motherfucker off. You understand me? And I remember telling my buddy, I'm not fucking, he was like, you're prejudiced. I ain't prejudiced a black dick. I'm just prejudiced a dick. That black one was like fucking Jaws. It didn't stop. It didn't fucking stop. It even had the Jaws music.

Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. That was the worst thing I ever seen in my life. I looked at that tape to see how hot she was, and I hit it off from the fear. Like, I had fucking fear in my... It was his dick, her ass, her snatch. It was awesome. She got fucked hard. She got fucked.

It was awesome. I only watched it, but when she goes, I want to come again, and she's sweating, I'm like, this is a fucking pig. Yeah. This chick is a fucking animal. Isn't it amazing how far she's come with that? And we don't give a fuck. Because she got fucked really hard. Hard. People loved it. You got fucked on the

eight. It has to be accidental. You can't put it out yourself. You can't make a video and go, here's me fucking. Because no porn star has ever reached the status of Kim Kardashian. What she's done is accidentally have it and put it out. And that's why she's got it. But that's done is accidentally have it and put it out and that's why she's

got it. That's how she got that. She got in the back door. She did something amazing, guys. She did something amazing. See, when we pay for porn, we pay to see a black guy fuck a white chick or a white chick fuck a black guy.

She fucked that motherfucker out of clear love or whatever the fuck it was. Oh, please. They fucked that motherfucker out of clear love or whatever the fuck it was. Oh, please. They did that on purpose. I understand, but she fucked his brains out. It wasn't like porn.

That's why it shocked us so much. Well, they were really fucking, right? They were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was like, you know, when you do porn, you show up at one or whatever. Right, right. This gave us something different.

And dog, whatever they gave us, I tell Joe, you know, we wake up in the morning, we're like like where are we doing the set tonight that bitch wakes up and says how am i gonna believe how am i gonna be the number one trending topic yeah on yahoo and google and if you look at google and yahoo she's number one three days a fucking week i don't know what the fuck she does but she's a genius whatever she did she's a genius. Whatever she did, the country took it. She's a genius attention whore. Yeah, what she is is the Michael Jordan of attention whores. And now she's dating a super tall guy with probably the biggest dick ever. Oh, and he's worthless.

And that sex tape's going to come out. She's going to eat that fucking monster alive. They just told her the other day that she was married before. He's like, really? That fucking Momo thinks he's the first one that fucked her. You don't know that she's been swallowing dick up in fucking calabasas since she was 15. Well, he's probably just excited to be with someone famous. That brings him into the public eye.

What does he do? He plays basketball or football? It looks like he plays basketball. It looks like he plays basketball. He's fucking huge, and his dick must just curl up in her butt like a snail or something. Bro, she's had huge dicks in her ass. You know, they let that Max Hardcore guy out of jail. Speaking of levels of shit,

if you don't know who he is, he's a guy who got arrested in Florida because Florida has some crazy laws where if you ship things to their... They have very strict ideas

of what's offensive and what is... What's the word? Obscenity. And this is what the guy was arrested for because the porn was obscene. He's got some hardcore shit

where he pisses in girls' assholes, holds their asshole open, sticks a straw in it, and makes them drink the piss out of their asshole. Classic. Yeah. I mean, he goes deep. That's like your boy, that fucking Guinea. Mimi Montanucci. Who? What's that crazy porn

guy that my buddy sent me a link of? I thought it was a joke. Who's the Italian guy that fucks bitches? Oh, Rocco Soffredi. That's my motherfucker. Everybody knows about Capone and Gotti. Fuck that shit. You want a real Guinea?

Rocco Simonuti puts his cock in your ass. He fucking fucks him in the ass to make some fucking Suck his dick While they're eating A slice of pizza That's a gangster right there He's one of the first too He's one of the first Asked about guys Oh yeah They're fucking like

From the 70s He's got sideburns In one video I seen That said Drop it That said There's something gay About being into

A male porn star Like what do you got What's the recent Rocco Soffredi I like the way that guy fucks You know There's something There's something real weird

About like being a fan I'm giving myself an actual break I've deep horned Trying to deep horn my life a little bit Really? Trying to cut it back? Only because As a comic you go back and you watch it

My brain now I watch 30 seconds And then that damn search I go I wonder if there's Asian girls with black socks Who work at Starbucks Click click bam Oh look at that Oh I wonder if they And then you just black socks who work at Starbucks. Click, click, bam. Oh, look at that. Oh, I wonder if they – and then you just find yourself – how many did I watch?

I watch at maybe 10, 15-second increments, and then my brain moves on to the next thing. So I'm done. You're a porn ADD. I'm done for a little bit. For a little bit. And people write comments about porn. Have you ever been into bondage? Have you ever been spanked or any of that?

I'm not into any of that crap. People write comments about porn? What are you talking about? On the porn site now, it'll have comments about the porn and I just get pissed at the people going, oh, I would fuck her way better than this guy. Her face is a bit... Just be happier watching porn.

People are so desensitized now. That actually makes you upset? Yeah, I get mad at the kids. I'm not a big porn guy like you. I'm not big to porn at all. The only side I've been on is the one my buddy linked me to for the Kim Kardashian because I looked on my own and couldn't find it. They kept it on their credit card. And I would tell Brian, and Brian's like, I got free.

I don't know nothing about the computer. And I've been on YouPorn. And YouPorn, I've told it a thousand times, the chicks are filthy. But I hate YouPorn. They have dirty feet and they suck dick and all that dumb shit. But I'll tell you what the fuck is pissing me about U-Porn, that they lie to you. They're like, hot Asian chicken. It's a fucking Mexican.

Don't get your nationalities straight. That fucking pisses me off. Don't fuck around with U-Porn. I'm in the mood to see a nice little chinky woo show, that little fucking hairy monkey, and they show a Mexican from fucking El Centro. Are you sure it's a Mexican? Fuck yeah, I know my nationalities, bitch. Nah, the Thai ones are brown.

They got those brown little nipples. Indian, maybe Indian. Nah, you can see it. They call them brown. They got those brown little nipples. Indian, maybe Indian. Nah, you can see it. They're fucking pussies. They're fucking real dark. Those Asians. Meaty, right? They have the edge of roast beef.

It's really dark. They could be yellow. Their skin is like a beige, but their fucking noodles and their nipples are fucking brown. That doesn't bother you. A dark pussy doesn't bother you, does it? No, I like that Asian pussy. You scratch, you got that little light soy sauce smell. The soy that comes in the green container, not the red one. Less sodium, you know what I'm saying, I like that Asian pussy. You scratch, got that little light soy sauce smell. The soy that comes in the green container

not the red one, less sodium, you know what I'm saying? I like, there was a chick at a thing I did a couple weeks ago, a shoot. Guys, this Asian was so fucking hot. But she had that soy sauce thing going, that she was real. She was Chinese from San Francisco.

This bitch was banging and I could tell she was a dirty freak. I just couldn't. How could you tell? I could just tell. Just smell it. Look at her eye contact. You could just tell. Yeah, you could just tell.

She was flirty. You could just tell. She sat one time and I could see her thong. Once I see that thong, that's it. I could tell they're filthy animals. That's just a, you could close them. But I got nothing to offer. I got nothing.

She's 20 fucking two. What am I going to give her? Drama. I can't deal with that shit. You need big dick and big pockets. Take my hand. Take my hand. Did you trust me?

We missed the earlier part of the show. Jon Heffron stealing bitches out there, out in the wild. I know. Fuck that. So did you hear about the UFC? They just made Alistair Overeem versus Brock Lesnar December 30th at the MGM in Vegas. And Brock will not going to show up. A five-round fight. He's not going to show up. A five-round fight.

He's not going to show up? What are you talking about? You better not be talking shit about Brock, bro. Why are you showing up, guys? Why do you say he's not showing up? His tuberculosis is making a comeback. Diverticulitis. He had surgery.

Apparently, they think that he's cured 100%. They fixed it because the area that he kept having a reoccurring diverticulitis area, they just cut that area out and they think he's 100%. But they left the central nervous system in, and it's still fucking reflecting the shots Kane gave him to the fucking head. It still spreads those testicles out all over his body, and that gives him the diverticulitis all over again.

Trust me. Diverticulitis. Whatever the fuck it is. It doesn't matter the name, because he'll make something new up. The guy's got balls. Think about what he's done just to go from

pro wrestling with no striking experience whatsoever, enter into mixed martial arts, right into the thick of the game. First fucking fight in the UFC, he takes on Frank Mir, who's a former UFC heavyweight champion, gets knee-barred. Second fight, I believe he took on Randy Couture, right? No, Heath Haring.

Then he took on Randy Couture. Dude, Brock Lesnar's a bad motherfucker. He might not be able took on Randy Couture. Dude, Brock Lesnar's a bad motherfucker. He might not be able to beat Cain Velasquez, but Brock Lesnar's a bad motherfucker. No, he beat Heath Hitch, whatever his name is, out of the business. Well, that's not necessarily true. Heath Haring

had a lot of fights, man. Yeah, but he was at a crossroads in his own life. Oh, no, I know. I'm not saying nothing bad. I'm just saying we went to that fight. We were right there when he punched him and he did the fucking somersault. Yeah, but he was at a crossroads in his own life. Oh, no, I know. I'm not saying nothing bad. I'm just saying we went to that fight. We were right there when he punched him. He did the fucking somersault. Yeah, but I just think it's a little disrespectful. People say that before that retired Heath Herring.

Heath Herring retired. No, he retired. I talked to Heath Herring recently. He's in fine shape. Where is he? I saw him in Vegas. There's nothing wrong with him. You look in his eyes.

He's 100% there. He looks good. He looks healthy. He's had some tough fights. He fought Crow Cop, and he fought Fedor, and he fought Noguera. He's been around for a while. Did he fight Fedor? Did I just make that up? No, I believe he fought Fedor.

Look it up. I shouldn't have said that. He just never fought again. He started doing movies. He did a bunch of other stuff. It's hard, man. For guys who aren't a name, it's fucking hard. It's hard to make real money. Because you've got to be putting asses in the seats.

So you've got to beat someone big. And when it came to beating the big guys, he came real close with Noguera. In his UFC fight, he fucking head kicked him and dropped him. Noguera looked done. And Heath Haring didn't finish him off. He had a chance, but he didn't finish him off. There was a reason for that, though. Noguera's tough as fuck. No, but he was hurt, Keith Haring, in He had a chance, but he didn't finish him off. There was a reason for that, though. No, Garrett's tough as fuck.

No, but he was hurt, Keith Herring, on that fight. Oh, was he? No, no, no. The first fight in the UFC was against Jake O'Brien. Yes. When he was hurt. Yes. When he had misunderstood a couple things. He had a knee problem. I'm sorry, yeah. He had a knee problem. No, Garrett, right. He knocked him down. Yeah. And he didn't attack. Jake O'Brien out-wrestled him, and he just had a really fucked-up knee. And he came up to me and talked to me about it afterwards, because he was like,

you know, hey, I listen to your commentary. You're always very supportive, but what the fuck? I was like, dude, you got to watch the fight. I mean, he just took you down at will. And he's like, my knee was torn. I had to take the fight. That was my first fight in the UFC. Yeah, and he just decided to just fucking be a tough guy and fight anyway.

And he thought he could win. He's like, I can catch this guy. And he just couldn't. He couldn't get it going, man. Having a knee tear and then trying to fight a guy like Jake O'Brien, a fucking professional mixed martial arts fighter in the UFC.

Shit. Jake O'Brien. I mean, our boy, your boy, Matt Hughes against Josh Kachek. Is it signed?

I don't know if it's signed yet. It's on Wikipedia. Well, I know that I'll find out. I think they're waiting for Hughes. Look, we're telling him. But I think I saw a link that said they're waiting

for everyone to go and just fight cool with everybody. Well, it's a fucking're waiting for Hughes. Look, we're telling him. But I think I saw a link that said they're waiting for everyone to go. It's just fight cool with everybody. Well, it's a fucking creepy fight for Hughes because he's a totally different guy to train for. Diego Sanchez is not nearly as dangerous on the feet as Koscheck is, at least theoretically. Because Diego Sanchez will swarm a motherfucker. He can be very dangerous on his feet. But the idea was that Diego would not be able to out-wrestle Matt. Matt's a big welterweight

diego's a fairly small welterweight and all of a sudden koshtek steps in who's a really fucking good wrestler and is a big welterweight and has been thinking about fighting at 185 and was actually campaigning to try to fight in the san jose ufc in november so here you got a guy who's a guy who can fight at 185 he's big you know die Diego can't fight at 185. I mean, he did. He did on the Ultimate Fighter. But, I mean, competitively in the UFC, his physical frame, in my opinion, is too small. He could do it, and he could beat a lot of guys

just by hustling them and not working them. But his best weight is probably like 165. Right. But Josh Koscheck can carry 185. He's a strong character. He's got, you know, he's got a good frame. He's a tough dude. He's a serious fucking wrestler.

And he's dangerous on his feet, man. He's got big power in that right hand. So it's a totally different fight from Matt Hughes. On three weeks notice. What do you think the shelf life is getting smaller from a fighter where you have five, let's say

from the time you start sprinting, i.e. you get a big fight and then you're taking them a lot, you think it's getting smaller or will it eventually be last longer? What are you talking about? The shelf life of... Do you mean how many fights you can have? Yeah, before...

Before you start to deteriorate? Yeah, yeah. Depends on your style. Some guys last longer, the other guys go, they had a really good three-year run and then physically something happened. A guy like Machida, here's a perfect example. A guy like Machida takes very little damage.

So a guy like Machida, he'll run for longer than a guy like Vanderlei, who's got this wild attacking style. You know, and maybe, you know, Vanderlei's a bad motherfucker. You know, I mean, Vanderlei's been stopped a few times now, but it's because of Vanderlei's style. If Vanderlei played it safe, you know, you saw, saw like in the Michael Bisping fight, he's still there. You know, I mean, maybe his chin isn't as good as it was back in the day, but the truth is that back in the day, he got dropped a bunch of times too. He would come in wild and reckless. Dan Henderson dropped him. A lot of people dropped him. Before Dan Henderson knocked him out in their second fight, Dan Henderson dropped him and had him fucked up in their first fight. He closed his eye. His eye was like one big, giant, fucking baboon vagina.

It was bad, man. So Vanderlei has always been in there with guys that have put him in danger or dropped him or hurt him. Mark Hunt dropped him. But when he got in there against real good strikers, that's when he had real problems. That's why Krokop fucked him up. If you go back to watch

that fight in pride man he he beat cro cop in their first fight or maybe it was a draw i think because they had weird rules like you could only go to the ground for like 30 seconds but vandeley took a lot of hard fucking kicks to the body that was when cro cop was in his prime cro cop didn't have a sprawl yet though he wasn't confident enough with his takedown defense to have a full mma fight but by the time they fought the second time, man, that was Cro Cop in his prime. That was the heavyweight Grand Prix. And he fucking head-kicked

Vanderlei into another universe, man. That was when Cro Cop was the best. So Vanderlei, with that wild style, has always had a problem with guys like that. You know, bro, I mean... But he's awesome, though. We're talking about fighters here, and you're as much of a fan of his even more than I am. Vandalay?

No. Oh, fighting, period. Yeah, but I'm a huge Vandalay fan. And I'm talking about the longevity now is what you make it. Look at the guy that Joe Rogan turned me on to that I met. I had the honor of meeting and talking to him, and he just fought a fight. Bernard Hopkins fought the best fight of his fucking life.

Yeah. And he fought it, and it was custom to him. I'm 46, bro. I'm not going to get in there and bang with nobody. I'm going to throw two punches and get the fuck out of there. Well, actually, this fight was very different than the first fight. This fight, he actually got in and mixed it up with this guy. He took the kid out of his game. These guys, whatever they do, it's what they take care of.

How smart they are. GSP is fucking genius. He takes care of himself at all levels. Right. Well, you know what he is? He's honest. He's honest. He's honest about what's at risk.

There's a lot of guys who aren't honest about what's at risk. You know, that's one of the things why he says he won't fight a friend. You know, he talked about it. I could do a Sevanta above them and I see an elbow. I cannot deliver it and give cerebral damage. Right, right, right. But he's right, man. He knows what the fuck he's doing because he's had it done to him, man.

When Matt Serra mounted him and was dropping bombs on him, and Matt Serra can fucking punch. Let me tell you something. That little guinea's got bricks in his gloves. He's got bricks in his gloves. I've never seen anybody that Matt Serra didn't punch clean that didn't get put on Queer Street. He hits fucking hard.

You know, so when he clipped George in that fight, you could tell George was like, oh shit. Like, he can tell, like, his functioning dropped, like boop. He knows what it's like to get really clipped. And, you know, he doesn't want that happening. He's a very fucking smart dude. He's completely

honest and aware about the entire game. That's one of the reasons why he's so good. He'll tell you exactly how he feels. I am nervous. This is a very important fight for me. He's a fucking champ. One of the best pound for pound fighters in the world. And he's nervous and he's talking about being nervous.

Then he gets in there and just fucking shines. Gets in there and just lights you up. You both know and you and you that, bro, the day you stop getting nervous before you go on stage is the day you just go home. You know the worst thing you can do? I love getting fired up now. The worst thing you can do with George St. Pierre, man, is talk some shit to him. Yes. That BJ Penn fight, when BJ was talking all that shit, man, you could see the determination grow in George's eyes.

And George is a disciplined motherfucker. And one of the things about guys that are truly truly disciplined and really in an amazing condition like like Nick Diaz as well is that these guys know that they can push a pace that most people will drown under so they'll fucking force it because they know you might be talented you might be talented but maybe you didn't get up early enough maybe you didn't sleep enough maybe you didn't eat the right foods maybe you didn't take the right vitamins maybe you didn't fucking put in enough. Maybe you didn't sleep enough. Maybe you didn't eat the right foods. Maybe you didn't take the right vitamins. Maybe you didn't fucking put in 100% and stack your training correctly and have a professional, you know, physical trainer working with you, monitoring your heartbeat. Well, George does.

And he knows he can run you out into the middle of the fucking ocean, bitch. And that's what he did with BJ, man. He just put him in a position where he forced him to work real hard from the beginning, tired his muscles out, and started taking them down and beating the fuck out of them. And the way he did it was genius, man. And the way he did it was fueled by that determination that was brought on by that shit-talking. Hey, dog, he did it to fucking Kacik. Kacik had to wear a monocle for a fucking year. And he might still walk in that ring with a fucking monocle.

He punched the fuck out of that eye. He punched the fuck out of that eye with a jab the fuck out of that eye not 10 times 30 times even if i fucked it up i'm gonna keep punching because i'm gonna fuck it up again every time you look in the mirror and blink motherfucker you're gonna think of gsp you know i went to simple i went to this thing the more the professional muay thai league mlp or mpl in uh it was in long beach last weekend and I got to see really high-level kickboxing live in person. That's fucking rare, man. It's rare

that you get a card like this. Buakaw, the Thai guy with 198 victories. He's not even 30. 198 victories. Does he fight every other week? In Thailand, man, they fight them young.

They fight them when they're little teenagers, 13, 14, 15. I saw the Fair Tech documentary. I think he's got less than 20 losses and 198 fucking victories. And he lit this dude up. Apparently this dude was from Canada, I believe. And he was talking all kinds of shit and pushed him at the weigh-ins. And the Thais are very respectful. They don't do that kind of shit.

They have this dance they do called the Y crew in the middle of the ring and they did all this too they played the music and these guys did their dance and they went through their thing but when fucking Buakaw did it he was doing his dance to the guy like got like right in the guy's face as I pushed him at the Wayans

it was badass man it was like a movie fight like he got in the guy's face and was doing like pulling arrows and stomping on the ground and doing his little dance. And the dude didn't know whether he should give grounds. And the dude was like backed up in the corner while Buakaw was standing in front of him doing this little dance. And then the fight started. And dude came out strong. He came out trying to blast.

But Buakaw, 198 fights. He's so calm in there. And he just started chopping with those kicks. Whack! Whack! And you feel the fucking leg kick over. And he just started chopping with those kicks. Whack! Whack! And you feel the fucking leg kick over. And we were in the front row. And you could just feel the...

Think of that fucking shit. And you could slowly see his legs starting to give out. And then he was going high with them. And just beating his ass. Flying knee to him. Front kicked him. Finally, he front kicked him and knocked him down. And the referee said, that's enough.

The referee saved him, because let me tell you something, he at Buakaw was just starting to break the guy down, they were in like the fourth round, and the guy was just starting to stumble and fall apart, and he kept hitting those fucking legs, whack, whack, whack, whack! It was crazy to watch live, man.

It's awesome, and you see that level of stand up, and it's like the difference between Koscheck and George St-Pierre in that fight. Koscheck is a very good athlete. He's got power in his punchesago. He's a very tough guy. Don't get me wrong, but he's not like a guy like Buakaw. There's a certain level of striking where a guy gets to where they're always safe and they're just lighting you up. They find your timing. It's like what Anderson did to Yushin Okami. He finds

your timing and then he's safe, man. You're in a fist fight and he's not. How about that? How about you're just a fucking target? He's standing right in front of you. Bang, bang, just firing off on you. And when you see that happen, man, when you see a guy figure out another guy's timing like that, man, that's wild shit to see. And there's guys that can do that to George.

There's guys, strikers, that could do that to George in a straight kickboxing match. But just can they do it when they're fighting off that takedown? No, they can't. They get scared of that takedown? No, they can't. They get scared of that takedown and then they can't pull the trigger. And that's what happens. Because George hits you with that power double that comes straight from fucking Mars. He pushes off that ground and covers distance in a way you can't believe this guy can move that fast. For a white dude?

How is this dude moving so fucking fast? He'd be a good DB, wouldn't he? How fucking good of a DB would GSP be? Just let him loom back there. Just let him loom. Just, bro, just stay back there. Do your little gymnastics in your mind. As soon as that ball gets released, I want you to run it and tackle that motherfucker like you take down all these.

A guy like GSP, you could probably have him do that, and he'd be awesome at it. He'd be awesome at DB. Leave him back there. No coverage. No coverage. Just leave him back there back there. No coverage. No coverage. Just leave him back there, bro. For now. For today.

We'll get him to cover people next year and watch what he fucking does then with his footwork. You ever see him jump those hurdles? I was watching him on Google this morning doing gymnastics. I'm tempted to go to the place on Vermont and join up for the month and walk on my hands and he's like a Momo. That's how good that gymnastics shit is for you. And he's taking it. He's so smart, dude.

George is so open-minded. You know, he'll try ballet. If someone tells him ballet will make him a better fighter, I'm here to do ballet. He'll fucking step in there. I'm not impressed with your ballet. He doesn't give a fuck, man. He will fucking do it, man. He's got an open mind.

He actually asked me to teach him some shit. You know, to go to the commentator me to teach him some shit you know to go to the commentator of the ufc and say you know that show me how to do it that's most people would just go what the fuck you're the talker guy you do the talking you know but like when i taught him how to throw the spinning back kick correctly when we were training he was completely open-minded has no ego it just wants to learn just on our level when you talk to other comics like you always have like a new guy, do you have any advice? And you start to tell him.

You go, oh, yeah, no, no, I don't do that. And you go, really? Really? Yeah, yeah. You got it all figured out. I listen to anybody, man. Louis C.K. came up to me once after one of my sets and gave me all these notes that he wrote down while I was on set.

I'm like, this is the fucking coolest thing ever. I had a King Kong bit. He's like, what if King Kong had a wife, a cunty wife? He's like, give me ideas. I was just thinking this while you were up there. I'm like, fuck yeah the fucking coolest thing ever. I had a King Kong bit. He's like, what if King Kong had a wife, a cunty wife? And he's like, give me like ideas. I was just thinking this while you're up there. I'm like, fuck yeah, man. Give me advice. You accept tags.

I've seen you. All the time. All the time. People come up to you and say, hey, John, I love that bit. Have you ever thought about this? And you're like, oh, yeah. It's funny how many guys don't, though. I mean, I'll even take, I had some guy once and go, you talk too fast during this particular thing.

Just slow down. And people in the very next show slowed down, got laughs. You're like, oh, shit, I didn't even see it from that point of view. Dude, laughs, taglines are a gift. You know, when a friend gives you a tagline, like, here's a tagline that Kevin James wrote for me. You know why I was doing that Anna Nicole Smith bit? Well, like, it's time. Kevin James wrote, for a rim job.

Kevin James wrote that. Because I was already like, lick that ass, you don't get that. I always had this bit about him dying, you know, about Anna Nicole Smith's husband forcing her. And Kevin and I were just riffing on it. And Kevin came up with, it's time for a rim job. And that became like one of the big punchlines in there. And I would say it, and it was cool because I would say it on stage.

I would think of him, like, oh, my friend hooked me up with a good solid laugh in here yeah you know because a lot of times you do this not the same bit but you're just so close to it that you don't see it from that little bit of an angle or somebody goes oh it's right it's right there if we were both gonna write a joke about anything we were both gonna write a joke about coffee you would come from one place and I would come from another even though we're both comics and we both would see like some obvious points yeah you know like like there was a a joke that i did that i found out that ellen degeneres had done a joke just like it years before and i never seen ellen do it but the premise is really obvious and the premise is about penguins being monogamous and the premise is well they both look the same i mean they all look the same like what's

the what's the big deal about them being monogamous? That's something that anybody would see if you were looking for the point. You know, you're looking for, like, comedy in, like, an obvious sort of a situation, like penguins being monogamous. Right. You know, you would probably come up with the exact same thing. If I said, write a bit about penguins being monogamous, you would probably be like, well, what's the big deal? They look exactly the same. You would instantly go to it.

90% of comedians would instantly go to that. But it's like your take from there on, once you get that, then it's going to be like some people go like Duncan would get real weird with it. He would find some fucking weird spiritual angle. Well, they say in the Bhagavad Gita, and he would come out and you would have a different angle. And it's funny. You would have a different angle. When somebody gives you a tag, it feels like somebody sometimes just gave you a $500 bill. Yeah.

Like sometimes you have the same, like, thank you. You couldn't have wrapped a gift or bought something on Amazon that would do the same feeling. I had a friend, Brian Frazier, who at the time was, he needed some money, and I was making a lot of money. And he had a heckler line and I was like dude that's the greatest fucking heckler line ever he goes I'll sell it to you so he sold it to me for 500 bucks this is the heckler line because I never used it

because it felt weird but this is the heckler that he said he's like this is what happened when God made you oh and just a dash of cunt oh no the cop fell off the top fell off the cunt too of cunt. Oh, no. The cop fell off. The top fell off the cunt. Too much cunt. Shit.

That's a great line. I just had this past week. I was trying to think of situations back in the day when guys were preparing for battle, but their wives were still in their brain. Because I was trying to go, ladies, every once in a while, your guy gets a look on his face. Just leave him alone. He's trying to. And I act like I was a guy sharpening my sword and did the hand thing like the wife was right in there right i had a comic go you should have a bitch about really you're gonna leave your shield right on the table it's like pa that's all

funny and then the very next show did it but it adds a whole different spin to your act when you get that little fun right thanks for the layup that was awesome yeah yeah thanks for the sometimes that turns it into a bigger bit that turns it into something you weren't even thinking about. But it's really funny how some comics will take a tag. Like, I'll take a tag from somebody I definitely trust. Because somebody gave me a tag once and it was fucking stolen. I ended up spinning the guy's fucking face.

Yeah. I was like, be fucking careful what tag. I'm really not into it. I like when a comic comes up and gives me a different angle. And years ago, I remember watching Chris Rock, the one special, and it was pretty funny. And then he had the second one, and I remember seeing him at the store on a Monday, and he had

Jenny and DePaulo with him. I didn't know what the fuck they were doing. They were just talking. And the next night, I was at the improv, and there he is with Louis C.K. and DePaulo. And what he was doing was, he would get his advance from HBO and give everybody a taste and go during the week, I want Jenny, DePaulo, and you.

You guys each come up with 15. I'll do 15. We got a party. Right. You know, I'm getting 200 grand. I give everybody 50. I keep 50 for an advance. I got a fucking party.

I get the best of what they had. And different perspectives and different styles of doing the punchline. And you could see the difference in the specials. You could see the difference in the specials. There's early specials and the ones later on. You could see the polo. You could see the precision of Richard Jenney. You could see the wackiness of Louis C.K.

Let me tell you something. Not a lot of fucking comics could do that because of their ego. A lot of comics couldn't do that. A lot of comics couldn't do that. Well, there's also comics that want their stand-up, though, to be from their own mind entirely. Oh, please! Like Louis. Like Louis C.K. No, no. I could see doing that way, man. Look,

if you have to do an hour, there's nothing wrong with hiring a bunch of people for writers and coming up with some good material. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. As long as it fits your sensibilities. Like-minded, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't... I never, like, think about, like, Chris Rock and go, oh, Chris Rock's not really that good because he had guys writing for him,

which is ridiculous because he's one of the greatest of all time, unquestionably, unquestionably one of the greatest of all time. And the stronger voice you have, the more you can have other people write. I mean, look at any of the blue-collar guys. But it's funny how...

There's teams of guys that kind of fill those mouths. You can take credit. My point is that you can take credit for your own work but to think that somehow or another your work is better because you come up with it completely on your own as opposed to someone who hired a bunch of writers, it's kind of silly.

He's just trying to get a different point of view and perspective but ultimately it's coming out of his mouth. It's going to be his voice. He assigned those writers to help him with this. It's just different. Especially if you're the type of actor who's got to create and crank out a just... You don't have the... You can't do an 80% fun job.

It has to be out of the park every time. And if you're doing that once a year, it's crazy. Here's where it would suck, though. Where it would suck is if everybody got an equal say in what you said on stage. See, if you were a team, say if you were a band and it it was the three of us, and we had to construct a set, and then maybe Joe Diaz wants to put some shit in the beginning, oh, no, no, no, no, don't do that. This has got to be the end. You're going to put my

shit here, and then you're like, why would I put, look, bro, I don't have confidence in that. What the fuck? And then you would argue over how the material gets delivered. As long as Joe Diaz was in charge, if you went out and hired a bunch of stuff, they brought you things, and you're like, okay, this is good, that's good, I feel comfortable, this comfortable, I would say this, and I'll put my own flavor into this, my own spin on that. It comes from a singular voice.

Sure, sure, sure, absolutely. You guys are just enlightening me. I've been around you for 10 years. You know what I'm saying? Your best friends that you did open mic with, some of them are writers now, some of them are actors. Chris McGuire. friends that you did open mic with some of them are writers now some of them yeah but chris mcguire some of them fucking came up to you a couple times and said something you're like this motherfucker knows me yeah yeah so you know what man sometimes it's better just to settle down and take and you

might not use it but he might open up a door for you where your voice fits yeah and that's what i'm saying sometimes you have to learn how to you know collaboration is aation is a very important thing. It's a very interesting thing. You know, I mean, these podcasts are essentially 100% collaboration. You know, they're little rants. We each go on little rants. Things come out of them and stuff like that that weren't normal. Exactly. When you talk about nervous, do you get randomly, I get nervous in the craziest things.

You'll be doing a television show, zero nerves. And then it's second show Saturday. For some reason, my heart will feel like it's pounding out of the chest. Really? And then a Friday first show, no nerves. I do a little bit of rituals to stay kind of focused to get me in like a really good mood. So when I get on stage, I'm not phoning it in. But as far as physical, like I need to wear one of those body bugs.

I would like to see those. They got those things now you can do your heart rate, calories and stuff and you hook it up to your computer. Really? You wear it for like all week and it gives you. Does it work while you're exercising?

Because the one I wear is stupid. It goes around your waist and it's fucking burning. No, no. They have new ones that go on your bicep that are supposed to be really good. And you can fully exercise.

Like I could punch the bag and shit with that on? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. It's like a little iPod. Yeah, I'd like to wear one just to see what my heart rate does before shows and see what kind of calories you burn.

Did you ever look at it while you're looking at pictures of cock? How many calories did you burn? No, I want to do it. That was a goddamn good line. Joey talked right over it. I'm sorry. I liked it. What was it?

He said, do you ever look at that while you're looking at pictures of cock and see what your heart rate does? It's all right, man. Don't worry about it. GSB on a horse. I guess you could use it. GSB on a horse. Yeah, I guess you could use it if you're watching at pictures of cock and see what your heart rate does it's all right man don't worry gsb on a horse i guess you could use it yeah i guess you can use it seeing it if you're watching porn just come with me and it's just a gymnastics horse it's not even a real horse sit behind me i look at things and i look at when there was a time when the store became second nature to me right and joe would call me and go you're going up before me. And it was like, I got to go to the fucking store.

And I would go down there and I wouldn't feel anything. I would go up on stage and literally fucking bomb, bomb, bomb, and get in my car and give a fuck. And then it's times when the audience, I feed off the energy. It's like when you're at the ocean, you're sitting there. These waves are hitting you, but there's some shit coming at you. And sometimes you get to a show,

and I gotta see the audience. Like, seeing the audience and letting me know these motherfuckers paid to get in gets me fucking on fire. You just get, I see people,

and I tell you, on the plane sometimes, I'll psych myself up. Now, I'm to a different point. Like, now I wanna go out there and die on stage. We were in Milwaukee. Let me just tell this.

If I've ever had a heart attack on stage, I'm ready. But if I do it, I'm doing it because I like what's going on right now with comedy and my life and with us when we go out. If I'm not nervous, bro, it ain't going to be real. I don't want it to fuck around no more. I want to be nervous to the point where my palms sweat a little bit.

Yeah, I get that way. And then the second you get on stage. And I think about leaving the door. Like, where's that door? Maybe I don't want to do this. We were in Milwaukee, right? The place is packed. We're at this fucking awesome theater.

And Joey's in the back, and Joey looks out, and he sees all the people in the audience. You got this, like, fucking murderous look in your eye. I had to. You're like, look at all these motherfuckers, Joe Rogan. He goes, these motherfuckers are going crazy. And then he goes, we're taking this to the next level. We're taking this to the next level, Joe Rogan.

And he just, like, had this murderous look in his eyes and then went out and just smashed it. But it's like the excitement of the crowd all coming there. It's so much better than you see the guys. They get on stage. They have their notebook. They're like, hey, what's up? I'm tired.

Page, page. No. Alternative comedy. This guy's stupid. Page, page. My new little move before each show, I no one, I'll even do it for crowd looking. There's a scene from one of the Star Wars where Obi-Wan's about to fight the Sith and

there's a force field in front of him. Right. And he's rocking. Like, just get the, I do that to myself now before. Well, I was just going to. Not crazy pump up like. I was going to ask you this because you do that neuro linguistic programming, right? Yeah. And you have like a certain thing you do right before you go on stage it puts you in like a perfect state of mind. Does that

work always? Yeah what I do it's it's yes and then I was doing it wrong where buddy actually said you shouldn't make it ritualistic whatever that word is that was tongue-tied. Right. I mean like you shouldn't do it or now you're developing an OCD problem. OCD, yeah. So what I do is I imagine the greatest show ever just literally,

because your brain doesn't know something that didn't happen to you. If I was to ask you, tell me about lunch you had with your family yesterday and you told me. Right. You couldn't really tell me

the way the lunch actually went down. You've deleted, distorted, and generalized every situation in your life to what's important to you right where i could ask let's say your wife tell me about lunch and she would almost give me it'd be similar but maybe she was paying attention to the tv that was on above you and in your story you didn't tell me about the tv okay it's kind of what people are what you're looking out for because you have this is wrong numbers but like 70 billion bits of information your body's trying to figure out right right and you narrow that down

to seven plus or minus two pieces of info at any given moment okay like if i was to ask you what's the temperature like in here how's the temperature unless you were focused on it unless you were sweaty the temperature might not even been in the equation why we're having this conversation. So with that, I imagine the greatest show ever, like my greatest show ever. And I kind of remind some last comic because there was that feeling of big lights, shit falling from the thing when I really felt, eh. And right when I get to that state, I squeeze my thumb. I put my thumb in between my fist.

Like Spider-Man? And squeeze it, yeah. Like you're shooting out a web? Yes, exactly. That's exactly. You put it there. How did he do it? Now he did it like two fingers like this, right?

Yeah, yeah. Well, mine's hidden. Spider-Man did this. Yeah, yeah. He went like this. If I had the things as a kid, you'd spray it. But I put it here. And then I imagine that you get that feeling because now your brain imagines that awesome thing.

And I lock it in like a speed dial. So then what happens? So just covering your thumb locks that in? Because you lock it in like a speed dial yeah then what happens just covering your thumb i do because you want it like fighters use it sometimes fighters have a thing you do it in a in a movement that you don't replicate on a normal basis okay don't do it on hand so i squeeze my thumb and then sometimes when i'm in an awesome mood or even if i come home and my dogs they're they're tag their tails are wagging and i I'm like, oh, this is great, I'll squeeze my thumb. And when I'm on stage, if I get a big laugh or say something that was really funny, I'll squeeze my thumb.

So it's like a bank account. You put happy feelings or good feelings into that thumb. So then for the days when you don't feel like going on stage or you got in an argument right before you went on stage, like self-hypnosis, you squeeze that thumb, and it puts you right back to that place. Just like a song would. It's called anchoring. Just like if you hear a song from back in the day, you can almost remember. Reminds you of your girlfriend.

Or, yeah, so what you're doing is you're adding your speed dial to your thing. Here's the deal. If you think it works, then it completely works, which means it works. You just have to convince yourself that it works. I see you're not wearing your balance bracelet anymore. And when I was at the mall the other day, some guy was trying to sell me on it, and I asked if you got a balance bracelet on both hands

if it's better, and he said yes. Well, those scam artists... But there's people that actually believe in that shit. Shane Carwin believed in that shit. But here's the crazy part about it. One of the things that Arcing Ropes of Jism from the forum, you know, Phil, the English dude, he posted on the forum an interesting observation that this guy had where people have done studies and showed that they actually did help athletic performance. And the reason is because people

thought they helped. And that is somehow enough, even, ready for this, even if you know it's bullshit, even people that knew it was bullshit, knew there was no physical way that this bracelet could give you better balance and make you athletically perform better, they would give it to people and they would still find significant benefit in it. It's like somehow or another just opening the door to something making you better can make you better. Or what happens a lot of times when you start talking, let's say we're talking about nerves or shitty, if we keep it a show, you start thinking, oh, the show sucks. Oh, but that person's probably going to heckle. And what happens is you talk yourself into a really shitty show. Do you do that? You talk yourself into people heckling? No, but I will play scenarios out in my head. You play like heckle scenarios?

He's a spaz. Have you realized he's a spaz. Have you realized he's a spaz? No, but I'm not saying just for show. Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

Because Brian, you're really new to the game. You've only been doing comedy like a little bit now. I mean, really over the last couple years, over this nine years off

that you had. Do you ever, before you go on stage, you should be nervous as fuck. Do you ever go on stage and say, I hope no one heckles? I'm not nervous anymore. You're fine. I don't let Brian be nervous. You just go up there and do it. No. I don't let should be nervous as fuck do you ever go on stage i'm not nervous no one hackles i'm not nervous anymore you're fine i don't let you just go up there and do it no i don't let

nervous nervous let me tell you something what brian did i mean people would say that brian had like a shortcut and brian you know all he had to do was uh just start doing open mics and we had him in front of packed houses brian went up in austin fucking te Joey Diaz killed. Every night. Balls of steel. Yeah. Never fucking complained. Yeah. Never looked at me. And I'll tell him to his face.

Never gave me a look of sorrow. And he would go. Puppy dog. After Joey crushed. Crushed. And he would tell me to crush. If I didn't crush, he's like, your joke didn't fucking work tonight. Fuck you, bitch.

Did you say that to him? You know what I'm saying? One time he's like. That doesn't sound usual. We were in Austin. Is he making things up? I don't remember. No, we were in Austin. Is he making things up? I don't remember. No, we were in Austin one night, and he came up to me afterwards.

Like, I had an okay set. He's like, that joke didn't work. And I'm fucking howling. Oh, that's funny. And I didn't give a fuck. It's true. The joke didn't work. But Brian has balls of steel.

Now, wanted to complain, never complained to me. Never, ever complained. He had been off for nine years. Six years. Six years. Was it six years? No stand-up at all. He got up at a midnight show in Atlanta, Georgia at a UFC.

Punchline. Punchline in Atlanta. That's a fucking, first of all, that's a badass old school club. To have that club to go up for your first time on a sold-out show, on a fucking Friday night, a late night show, midnight show. He fucking goes on stage and kills. Not only did he kill, he pulled himself out of a downward spiral. Like, he did really good in the beginning, and then he started bombing.

And he figured out a way to pull himself out of the bombing. You know why? Because he doesn't have a lot of ego. When you have a lot of ego, that's when you can never pull out of a bombing. A person who, like, takes himself super seriously and then gets devastated on stage by a joke choking, those are the people that can't pull out of a bombing. A person who takes themselves super seriously and then gets devastated on stage by a joke choking, those are the people that can't pull out of a bombing. I'm to the point in my life, when I get another fucking email about stand-up or another twit,

and you put me off, or people come up to you and talk to you and put you off, I'm at the point in stand-up, I want to just say, get the fuck away from me. So whenever I see somebody like Brian do the stand-up route and go about it ball-less, you know, because it's completely out of Brian's brain,

he just goes up. Right. I love him. I love him just for that. I give him that respect because I know how hard it is, and I know how many excuses we've all heard. And we don't give a fuck. All I want you to do is be happy.

If you come up to me and say you want to get on stage, I'll give you all the love I can to get you up to that stage. But don't let me see you three months later and you still bullshit me. Because I did that too. It took me six months. It took me six months of canceling at the Comedy Works and then showing up and finally doing it and then you get hooked. But I do give you

a lot of love for that, Brian. Probably one of the fucking reasons why I talk to you is because you don't give a fuck when it comes to stand-up. And as soon as he gets off stage, you'll walk up to me and say, where's the drink ticket, bitch? Let's go. There was a kid I used to do open mic nights with back in Boston, and I was kind of half-assing it in the beginning.

I was into it, but I wasn't into it because I was still fighting at the time, and I was still working full-time. So I was still fighting in kickboxing tournaments and shit, so I was training pretty much every night, and then trying to go do stand-up afterwards. So I was fucking tired all the time. I was burning the fuse at both ends. and some fucking kid that i did open mic nights with goes you're pretty funny when you first started out man but you seem to have kind of fizzled oh geez and he's being honest with me and i stopped and i thought about it and i was

like shit you know he's just like saying it like you're you're really funny in the beginning you kind of fizzled and i didn't argue with him back which is what i normally would have done but i'm like fuck you and i thought about it I'm like god damn he's probably right what the fuck am I doing I had a guy say he came and saw me in Austin a friend of mine and did a show and I thought it was a good show and he goes I've seen you like a bunch of times he goes

you've done comedy for 23 years you need to rip it every time and then I immediately. He said you need to rip it every time? Need to rip it like just crush it you know why he's probably saying that his girlfriend wanted to fuck you. Yeah right but either way it motivated me because then I immediately He said you need to rip it every time? Need to rip it Like just crush it He goes You know why he's probably saying that? His girlfriend wanted to fuck you Yeah right But either way it motivated me

Because then I started going No that crowd just kinda And then I'm making all the excuses And then I go No He's right I need to There was a point where I switched off

Right Maybe start phoning it in And then Really? Yeah And then that's when I squeezed my thumb Man I'll tell you what But some shows

I mean when you do 500 of them You're gonna have Did he suck your thumb? Some Do I'll tell you what. But some shows, I mean, when you do 500 of them, you're going to have... Do you suck your thumb? Do I suck my? I never did, no. You suck your thumb? No. You know, when I was a kid, I was fucking...

Oh, yeah, when I was a kid, yeah. When I was a fucking kid, I was hooked on pacifier stuff. I was like six years old, dog. Yeah. Big time. I used to hide them from my mom and hide them all over the house. When I used to play ball in the house, my mom would say, you're going to fucking break something of mine one day.

So she had these Japanese dolls with different fucking wigs that were like 10 Gs, and I broke them. My mom would say, you're going to fucking break something of mine one day. So she had these Japanese dolls with different fucking wigs that were like 10 G's and I broke them. My mom was like, you're done now. You got to pay me all the money you owe me. You got to get a day job. I was like, fine. I'm like, fuck you, mom. She's like, I need like 30 fucking G's. You got to give me $50 a week or you can start sucking those pacifiers, dog.

Stop sucking them. Stop sucking them. And I'm like, because I would suck them like the way people smoke cigarettes. I'd get into a fist fight and then run home. That's so ridiculous. I used to hide them outside in the car. You're stressed at five. You just see you in the corner. I want to talk about that thing that we talked about before the show, but I don't. I do, but I don't.

Yeah, right, right. Should we? We should. The electronic thing? Oh, yeah. Why not? Listen, folks, you want to know what level they're kicking it here in California? Do you want to know? Do you want to really know? They have electronic cigarettes. Look what Brian's holding up. That are all weed.

How many hits are there? 200 hits in those. 200 hits in those. Do you know how ridiculous that is? That one thing, you could carry that around for you for days. For you. You could carry that shit around for days. And just get blitzed. So you put the weed in there?

No. It's preloaded. Let me take a poll of that shit. It's preloaded and it has about 200 and you draw it for 2-3 seconds. 2 weeks you gotta charge it. And it's sativa. This is amazing. And you don't need a lighter blue.

This is super blue dream sativa. Now where do you get this from? The shop. Only two or three seconds. It's called M-E-D-A stick. S-T-I-N-S. This is amazing. It doesn't smell at all.

Except for when you put it on. Yeah, but the problem is you can never smell weed. When you're smoking weed, you don't smell it. Is this on a plane? I wouldn't. I don't think you can do it on a plane Because something's coming out And that something will probably set up the alarms What I did hear is

Water vapor Why do they need to do the water vapor? I know for the cigarette They do it so people get the whole thing You see the fake red You go in and then you see the Fake red's hilarious And then you blow it out so people who

Want to not smoke You're going through the whole motion You. Yeah, you see the... And then you blow it out so people who want to not smoke, you're going through the whole motion. You see it, you light it, and stuff like that. Doug, listen to this. That's fucking badass, man. The last time I flew into Burbank, I had a talk with a cop in Burbank.

Send that shit this way. You got your own. Come on, man. Joe Rogan, it's over. Lucy, why are you so greedy, man? Because it's only 100 hits. Joe Rogan, it's over. Brian, for real, man.

Joe Rogan, what's wrong with you today? Joe Rogan, it's over. Brian, for real, man. What's wrong with you today? Joe Rogan, it's over. From accusing Starbucks of random drug testing. Joe Rogan, I talked to a cop at Burbank and Bob Hope. The motherfucker said, he goes, look, I don't care where the fuck you're flying no more. Please check your weed. He goes, we got people checking weed now, four, three ounces on the conveyor belt for security purposes.

We don't give a fuck no more. Really? That's how bad it's getting. LAX too. They don't give a fuck. Used to be they didn't give a fuck if you were going to somewhere in California. Now they just said,

Just check it. Really? So you can bring weed through the fucking PSA? Don't hold that up, Brian. People have all the information. Make them get on a trip. Put it on the secure. You got to put your weed on the belt and let it go through fucking the thing.

Really? So you tell them this is weed? Yeah, they know. They know. Don't be stingy, Brian. Keep that thing going. Keep it passing around. Get your own dirty bitch.

Brian's taking his ball and going home. So listen, we're near the end of the podcast, so I got to get the fuck out of here, because I'm going to the premiere of Warrior tonight. Oh, really? Yeah, Brian Callum's playing me. I'm going to go see that. That's going to be interesting.

And you know I'm in fucking, I got to go to a premiere tomorrow, Bucky Larson, Born to Be a Porn Star. Bucky Larson, Born to Be a Porn Star. What's that? That's the movie. Yeah, yeah. Me and Don Johnson.

What's the play? What's the part in it? I'm a porn producer. They try to show me porn. Is this like a big movie? Some dirty bitch. It's Nick Swanson and a bunch of people. Really?

Nick Swanson? When is it coming out? Friday, but it goes up against Contagious. I'm in no danger. Did you meet Stephen Dorff? I'm in no danger. I'm against Contagious. Did you meet Stephen Dorff?

Yeah, we were at the party. We went to the fucking party together. All of a sudden, you forgot. Didn't I take you to the party? No, you invited. I took you to the party. Stephen Dor you invited. I took you to the party. Stephen Dorff came with Gina Ritchie and Ben Owen. Owen Benjamin came at the end.

I left you at the party with the drunk chick from fucking Playboy. You forget now, cocksucker? Brian, I need to take you to a doctor. That's it. It's over. Me, you, and Terry went to the party. We ate the meat with the steaks on it down at Wilshire. You need to fucking know.

Me, you, and my wife went to the wrap party. Just a quick little brain cat's game type thing. Check that bitch out. That pussy's turning your brain to mush. That's what it is. You're like Henry Hill

in Goodfellas, cocksucker. I saw him at the grocery store yesterday. I tried to get a picture. How bad does he look? He was in one of those little carts that the old people. Isn't he in the fucking mob?

Whoa, this shit smells like weed. I know exactly what he looks like but he was at the grocery store in that little cart that though. Yeah, this smells exactly like weed. I was exactly what it looks like, but he was at the grocery store. In that little cart that... Yeah, this smells exactly like weed. I was trying, I wanted to get a picture with it. I told my wife, I go, just take a picture, I'm in a sandbox. Nah, dog, you should have gotten up and told him you were holding...

Hey, is this missing something, Heffron? Because it smells like weed. Smell that. You get the weed on your tits when you're smacking it. It's only a hundred hits. Maya! It's only a hundred hits. Is! It's only a hundred hits! Is there something missing off the front?

Or is it supposed to be like that? I think that's right. Smell that shit. You can smell the weed right through that. That thing stinks like weed. I can't take that nowhere. No, no. What?

That's the same thing. Trust me. You're trying to get me arrested. Bro, this thing stinks like weed. Are you crazy? Let me smell it. Joey will smell it. Put some Lysol on it, Joe.

Smell that shit, Joey. Steal Brian's in, because Brian's doesn't... I'll switch you. Smell the mouth part me smell it. Joey will smell it. Put some Lysol on it, Joe. Smell that shit, Joey. Steal Brian's in because Brian's doesn't... I'll switch you. Smell the mouth part. No, I want the fake cigarette. Well, that's because you just did the... Smells like teeth

and breath and ass and fucking everything that goes in my mouth, cocksucker. You know what I'm saying? Relax. I'm smoking. I want one too.

We're on the cuff. Pass it over here. Hey, um... I don't think it does. So this is the question that I had. I'm thinking about, um... I'm thinking about

opening up a comedy club. I've been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks. I've been telling you that I had. I'm thinking about opening up a comedy club. I've been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks. I've been telling you that for years. You're right. You have been. You've been telling me about it. We talked about buying the Ice House at one point in time. Remember when they were trying to sell the Ice House?

We were like, what would it be like to buy a comedy club? What city would you do it in? I don't know, man. I would have to have somebody fucking run it, though. Somebody that I trust to run it. That's the real problem. Because I ain't got the time to really. But to have a club where we all had a vested interest

in and we all worked out there all the time and we set it up the right way. I mean, essentially the comedy store was one of the greatest creative moments for you and I and a lot of other comedians. But why was it? Well, it's because there was a lot of great comics hanging out there and basically running the show. I mean, that's what it was. It was a fun little club where we all got in and fucked around and people knew that they could go there pretty much any weekend and see some fun shit. We need to recreate that. We can recreate

that somewhere. It wouldn't be that hard. As long as we don't go crazy. Like 200, 250? Even that's too much. We don't want to compete with nobody. By the way, what's going on there, dog? Who? Are we allowed to talk about it?

What? What? Are we allowed to talk about it? I don't know. I went into the improv last Tuesday. That shit is fucked up. What are you talking about? Went to the improv last week, and Judy Brown was there.

When was the last time you went to the improv on Tuesday? So I'm walking around, Judy Brown. Oh, I haven't been there in a while. Shaking people's hands. And all of a sudden, as I'm walking out the door, I got a tap on the show, and I got a newspaper article drawn on me. Have you seen the newspaper? What?

Front page of the business section in the L.A. Times. They caught a boy with a hand in the motherfucking cookie jar. What are you talking about? Robert Hartman. What? He's getting sued by Bud Friedman. Stealing like a motherfucker, double dipping 15%,

and owning the club. It's in there. You know why? You ready for this one? What? What the guy told, the story they told, is that they're going to open up three new clubs called Levity. 15% and owning the club. It's in there. You know why? You ready for this one? What? What the guy told, the story they told us, that they're going to open up three new clubs called Levity.

Yeah. Bud said enough is enough. Enough of you motherfuckers robbing me. The reason why they call them Levity is they don't have to pay the fucking franchise tax. And they've been doing it now for a long time. Stand up live. They're having a good time with the Funny Bones. Bud came out of that coma.

I heard he cut like eight Jews together. And he goes, we're going to get ours. They've been out. Mark Lano's been down there. It's over. The cat's out of the bag. Are you sure about all this information? You better look on that fucking newspaper and see what it says right there. I'm scared. I don't want to read it right now while you're getting worked up. Oh, shit. I don't give a fuck. The improvs

have been good to me no matter what. I'm just saying that every fucking dog has his day. They accuse you, you know, where there's smoke, there's fucking fire. Well, what I'm saying is a small place. I'm not saying anything even close to as big as the improvs. Like a Sal's. Yeah, a Sal's Comedy Hall. The club that I started off in Ann Arbor, that basement.

Perfect. What is that, 150 people? Yeah, two if the fire marshal isn't going to show up. But you can have that place at 200 if the room or even like wendy's club in in denver but that's bigger that's like 300 for sale i don't know if it's still for sale that new side room where we did that we did death squad comedy show last week that side room is fucking badass that's like 90 people it's got a new sound system new seats we're gonna have a show there Friday.

I'm doing my one-man show the whole month of September. Most likely I'll be there. It all depends on where we're shooting Fear Factor that day. Sweet. All right. Most likely. I guess you'd have to open one here and not in the Ice House. I need to get on stage.

I need to get on stage because there are a lot of dates coming up, ladies and gentlemen. Tomorrow, the tickets go on sale for our show at the Verizon Theater, October 7th. Joe Diaz and moi. And we're going to fuck that place up. Going back to H-Town old school. We haven't been in Houston, Texas in a long time. Four years, five years. God damn.

Yeah, it's been a long time, man. Missed that place. And that's the place where I recorded my first CD. That's the place where I first got recognized as a comic, really. That was the place where I first started selling out. I never sold out anywhere in the country but Houston. Houston had this whole history of that kind of comedy, wild comedy. And Joe Diaz and I went in that place, and when my CD got released,

we did a fucking free show there and advertised it on the radio, and it was one of the most fun nights I've ever had in my life. And the club was like, oh, we've got to charge. Remember Mark Babbitt was like, we got a charge, we got a charge. And you said it best. It's not in the spirit of the thing. It's not in the spirit. We were high as fuck.

We were like, we should do a free show. And he's like, Joe Rogan, that's genius. Do a fucking free show. Come on. You two on the fucking building in L.A. Do that sometimes. Get on a building and start playing. People fucking show up.

In the spirit of the thing. Do you have enough money? So sometimes do a fucking free show. Rock that. Well, this one ain't free, bitches. Okay, you got to pay for this one. Because it's at the Verizon Wireless Theater, and they're charging me. And that's October 7th in Houston, Texas.

Tickets will go on sale tomorrow. If you look on my Twitter, it's twitter.com slash Joe Rogan. It's on today while we're recording this is the 6th. The 7th they go on sale. Can I drop something there? Yeah, the password is speaker. There's a pre-sale tomorrow. September 17th, myself and the flying Jew Ari Shafi at the Town Ballroom in Buffalo, New York.

I got to give you a shirt, Joe Rogan. It's Fidel Castro with a yarmulke on, smoking a fucking blunt. Did you make this? Yeah. It's your shirt? Some guy fucking designed them for us off Twitter. We need two more shirts. We need one that says, stay black, and we need one that says, oh, Brian.

I want a death squad shirt. And we need a death squad shirt. Yeah, but you want to do death squad with your gay cat. Dude, people love that cat. Some people do. I just go with just words, so just, you know, can mean whatever they want. Yeah, you know, it should be just typed. I'm going gonna split up that's not in the the spirit of the word death squad where how people want the

cat like you should make tattoos of it i know that's not a good it's not a good idea that cat has hitler mustache not not the itunes version no okay good speaking of death squad can i uh plug my new uh podcast that's on the death squad it It's me and John Reap called Last Podcasting. We do it every couple weeks, but it's underneath your guys' big podcast label. Death Squad. Domination. Powerful. Very powerful.

We'll be back on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday we have Tim Ferriss, the author of the 4-Hour Workweek. Yeah, seems like a really cool guy. He's coming on Saturday. Have you read that book? No, I have not. I'm going to have a chance this week to pretend I'm going to read it. So I'll fucking skip through some summaries online.

And then Sunday is Anthony Bourdain. So the 10th and the 11th are our next live podcast that we'll be doing on the internet. Three weeks in a row, we've had the number one podcast out of all of iTunes, and that's because of you guys, and thank you very much. It's cool as fuck. It's not like it gives us anything. I mean, it's just bragging rights, but it's cool to know that people are interested in it, that you guys are digging it. We love you. You love us. That's how good it is. Stay black.

We love you. That's another shirt we need. Joey Diaz, Brian, John Heffron, dates, books, blogs, videos, Mad Flavor World. We're doing it all over here now. Mad Flavor World, we plugged that already on YouTube. Go see videos, Mad Flavor World we're doing it all over here now Mad Flavor World, we plugged that already on YouTube go see that, Mad Flavors World on YouTube

I gave my cat a bath this week we got a lot of shit going on people you're all coming with us thank you to the Fleshlight if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. That's it.

Go follow the Death Squad on iTunes. It's a series of podcasts. John Reap and John Heffron. We got Tom Segura's on that label. We got Ari Shafir. We got Freddie Lockhart. All great comics. All interesting dudes.

It's big fun. Follow that shit. All right. We love you and we'll see you on Saturday. Big kiss. it's big fun follow that shit all right we love you and we'll see you on saturday